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" Sex. Sex. Sex. I am thinking about sex. Now I&amp;#039;m thinking about thinking about having sex. What is wrong with our brains that we can&amp;#039;t just enjoy things? We have to analyze them? Hah! Anal-yze. No, but that sounds painful for both parties. Have we been doing this position too long? If I switch now, is she going to think that I wasn&amp;#039;t enjoying that last position? Because I really was. It&amp;#039;s sex \u2014 unless my penis is being bent in half, I am enjoying all of this. I think she wants to switch positions. She sort of contorted her body for a second there; was she trying to get into a different position? Or was she just getting a better angle in our current position? Am I supposed to lead, like it&amp;#039;s ballroom dancing? Don&amp;#039;t finish yet. It&amp;#039;s only been like 12 minutes. Or maybe one minute. God I have a terrible internal sex clock. It&amp;#039;s probably closer to 20 minutes. Or 9 seconds. Dammit, I have no idea. If I switch positions right now, maybe I can get a look at the clock on the nightstand. I&amp;#039;ll just have to be quick, because if she catches me looking, she&amp;#039;ll think I&amp;#039;m bored. I am most certainly not bored. Sex! Don&amp;#039;t finish too soon. But don&amp;#039;t take too long either. Liz Lemon said she hated when men go too long. Her character was always so self-effacing, and her co-workers weirdly found her to be unappealing sexually, but she&amp;#039;s sneaky attractive. I feel like she&amp;#039;d be more honest about her sex life than other female TV characters. I am so bummed that show went off the air. It&amp;#039;s so much better than other shows that get bigger ratings. Whoa! Why am I thinking about NBC sitcom ratings when I am mid-sex!?!? You can look at boobs right now! Yes. There they are. Right there! Oh, we&amp;#039;re switching positions, cool. This felt like a mutual decision. Very sex positive. Oh, this new position is wonderful! And the clock now says 1:14 AM. Okay. What time did we start having sex? I have no clue. Knowing what time it is in a vacuum gives me literally no pertinent information. You know what? I&amp;#039;m gonna say something dirty right now. I&amp;#039;m not even gonna think about it, I&amp;#039;m just gonna say the first dirty thing that comes to my mind. (Outloud) &amp;quot;Ohhhh this feels so good!&amp;quot; What the fuck was that? Was that even dirty? I think that is, verbatim, what I said last Chanukah when I tried on the terrycloth robe my family bought me. Fuck. I should have said this feels &amp;quot;Great.&amp;quot; Good? Who says sex feels &amp;quot;good&amp;quot;? A turkey sandwich is good. This is SEX. With a hot woman. It&amp;#039;s amazing. I should have said &amp;quot;This feels amazing!&amp;quot; I&amp;#039;ll say that now. Wait... if I do that, she&amp;#039;ll think that in the last 15 seconds, it was only feeling good, and now it feels amazing. She&amp;#039;ll think it was inferior by comparison. I&amp;#039;ll just have to keep using the word &amp;quot;good&amp;quot; to describe my mid-coital feelings for the rest of my life so she&amp;#039;ll think it&amp;#039;s my ceiling for absolute enjoyment. You know what? It was fine. It&amp;#039;s safe. You can&amp;#039;t kill the mood for saying &amp;quot;This feels so good.&amp;quot; You can definitely kill the mood by saying something really dirty to someone who is not expecting it. She hasn&amp;#039;t said anything dirty yet; should I wait until she says something? Or is she just thinking the same thing? Oh wait, remember 12 seconds ago when I said I was gonna over-think this? Yeah, that didn&amp;#039;t work out so well. How long ago did I say that first thing? Is it time to say something else? She hasn&amp;#039;t said anything. Oh God, she thinks I&amp;#039;m a joke. She&amp;#039;s gonna tell her friends everything I do wrong. Better to just go about my sexual business. Don&amp;#039;t give her any anecdotal material to latch onto. Latch onto? Don&amp;#039;t end sentences with prepositions, you idiot! Even in your inner-monologue: no sentence fragments! Stop thinking about this! Focus on how amazing this feels. God, it really does feel amazing. This is so much better than sleeping \u2014 why was I even considering going to sleep without doing this? Oh my God I love this! Wait. Do I believe in God? I&amp;#039;m a reasonably religious person I think. The word God pops into my mind so much during sex. That&amp;#039;s gotta mean something, right? What are we doing here on Earth? Will we ever find true happiness? Is Don Draper the one true archetype of human existence? I watch too much television. I haven&amp;#039;t made out with her in a while. I&amp;#039;m gonna kiss her right now. I love making out. Why do we close our eyes while making out? I&amp;#039;m gonna open my eyes \u2013 take that, society. Ahhh! My eyes are like 3 millimeters from her eyes, which are also open. Is she freaked out? Were her eyes open this whole time too? Or did she sense that I was opening my eyes? Either way, our eyeballs are basically touching. She&amp;#039;s gonna tell this to her friends. Okay, I don&amp;#039;t know how long it&amp;#039;s been, but it&amp;#039;s been way over five minutes now. Probably closer to 40. Split the difference. A solid 10. Oh look, the clock says 1:18AM. Good. There&amp;#039;s a certain magical threshold I&amp;#039;ve now crossed where, no matter what happens, I have at least acquitted myself as a man. That was some great sex. Ahh. Now I get to spend 10 to 30 minutes not wanting to have sex. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a5006/insecure-inner-monologue-man-having-sex/>