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"FacebookPinterest\n\nIn Hits, David Cross&amp;amp;#x2019;s directorial debut, the Arrested Development actor sends up the Internet age with the story of a municipal worker (Matt Walsh) and his fame-seeking daughter, Katelyn\u2014a demo-recording social-media fiend who regards the cast of Teen Mom with envy. In Cross&amp;amp;#x2019;s estimation, the movie&amp;amp;#x2019;s &amp;amp;#x201C;based on a true story that hasn&amp;amp;#x2019;t happened yet.&amp;amp;#x201D; We grabbed the comedian at Sundance, where the movie debuted, and forced our GQ Personality Test on him\u2014highlights:\n\nGQ: When was the last time you cried?\n\n David Cross: On a plane. I&amp;amp;#x2019;m a serious plane crier. I can&amp;amp;#x2019;t help it \u2014 just something about the altitude and drinking a couple of bottles of wine. I wasn&amp;amp;#x2019;t bawling, exactly, but I was starting to tear up. I was watching those &amp;amp;#x201C;Where the Hell is Matt?&amp;amp;#x201D; videos, with the guy who dances all over the world, and there&amp;amp;#x2019;s that emotional music, and all those locals dancing with him; it&amp;amp;#x2019;s just perfect. I&amp;amp;#x2019;m very repressed, but on a plane, I&amp;amp;#x2019;ll let it all out. I even cried at the trailer for Angels In The Outfield.\n\nIf you could make something socially acceptable that&amp;amp;#x2019;s currently not, what would it be?\n\n Public masturbation. That&amp;amp;#x2019;s specific to me and not applicable to anyone else. It would be completely accepted, like &amp;amp;#x201C;Oh, hey, look, there&amp;amp;#x2019;s David Cross.&amp;amp;#x201D; &amp;amp;#x201C;Is he jerking off?&amp;amp;#x201D; &amp;amp;#x201C;Yeah, looks like it.&amp;amp;#x201D; And it would be totally normal.\n\nIf you had a theme song, what would it be?\n\n &amp;amp;#x201C;Sympathy for the Devil&amp;amp;#x201D;\u2014the Laibach cover version.\n\nWhat&amp;amp;#x2019;s your best dance move?\n\n I&amp;amp;#x2019;m literally the worst dancer in the history of human movement. I&amp;amp;#x2019;m terrible. It&amp;amp;#x2019;s mosh pit stuff\u2014I just thrash around.\n\nWhen was your first kiss?\n\n I was about six. Her name was Allison Cuellar, and we kissed underneath the stairwell in the shitty apartment building where I was living. That was the beginning and the end of our romance.\n\nWhat&amp;amp;#x2019;s one of the harder decisions you&amp;amp;#x2019;ve had to make?\n\n It wasn&amp;amp;#x2019;t life and death, but there were some extremely difficult editing decisions to make while working on Hits. I had to cut people out of the movie\u2014great performances, and really cool, funny scenes\u2014for the sake of the story, and to control the movie&amp;amp;#x2019;s pacing. It was hard to tell people, &amp;amp;#x201C;I&amp;amp;#x2019;m so sorry, but you&amp;amp;#x2019;ve been cut out of the movie,&amp;amp;#x201D; \u2014 not a pleasant thing to have to do. I&amp;amp;#x2019;ve been on the other end of that. I was clear about stressing to people, &amp;amp;#x201C;This had nothing to do with you; it&amp;amp;#x2019;s a great scene, it just doesn&amp;amp;#x2019;t fit.&amp;amp;#x201D; Those were very tough conversations to have.\n\nWhat were your favorite books when you were young?\n\n My all-time favorite book is Masters of Atlantis by Charles Portis. In fact I gave a copy to Matt Walsh, who plays the main guy in Hits, in order to guide his approach to his character. Growing up, I also loved Fantastic Mr. Fox and all the Roald Dahl books. I loved the Narnia books. And I loved the Great Brain books. He was a Mormon kid here in Utah.\n\nDo you have any recurring dreams or nightmares?\n\n I had two specific ones when I was a kid. In one, I&amp;amp;#x2019;d be going to school in the middle of the winter, and this bright snowflake would follow me into the school, and somehow it felt sinister. I&amp;amp;#x2019;d wake up suddenly and would have to hold my breath and count to thirty, and if I could do that, I knew I&amp;amp;#x2019;d be okay. I dreamt that all the time. In the other dream, I was in a giant&amp;amp;#x2019;s room, painted red, and I had to get a chair and reach the light switch, because if I didn&amp;amp;#x2019;t turn it on in time, the giant would kill me. Once I hit the lights, I&amp;amp;#x2019;d wake up, hold my breath, and count to thirty, and only then would I feel that everything was safe. Fortunately these weird, scary dreams eventually dissipated\u2026 once I turned 46.\n\nOkay, speed round. What&amp;amp;#x2019;s the title of your autobiography?\n\n A Cross, A Divide.\n\nHow many platypuses could you fit in a bathtub?\n\n 21.\n\nIn what era of history would you like to vacation?\n\n Near the start of the Industrial Revolution: the early 1800&amp;amp;#x2019;s. Maybe in Manchester or Liverpool. Publicly masturbating, if it&amp;amp;#x2019;s widely accepted. Otherwise, I&amp;amp;#x2019;d just be at a pub, writing.\n\nHow often do you go to the dark side?\n\n Is that a fetish website? I&amp;amp;#x2019;d have to check my browser history. You know, my dark side is different than other people&amp;amp;#x2019;s dark side. It&amp;amp;#x2019;s all relative.\n\nWhat do you fear most?\n\n Space fire.\n\nWho&amp;amp;#x2019;s your favorite Muppet?\n\n Oh God, there&amp;amp;#x2019;s so many\u2014I was a huge Muppets fan. Tops for me are Fozzi the Bear and Animal. If you&amp;amp;#x2019;re counting Sesame Street characters, add Grover and Bert to the mix.\n\nWould you rather have the power of flight or invisibility?\n\n A little of each! I&amp;amp;#x2019;d like to be able to levitate six feet off the ground and be opaque.\n\nWhat have you felt guilty about in the last six months?\n\n I always feel guilty if I don&amp;amp;#x2019;t work as much as I should. Often I&amp;amp;#x2019;m supposed to be working on rewrites for a script, but I&amp;amp;#x2019;ll end up playing video games, and the whole day goes by. Then I&amp;amp;#x2019;m wracked with guilt.\n\nWhat do you hope for in life?\n\n I&amp;amp;#x2019;ve already got it. I&amp;amp;#x2019;m well respected\u2014by some people. I can generate my own work, which is rare in this business. I have an amazing wife; I have good friends; I&amp;amp;#x2019;ve got plenty of money. I&amp;amp;#x2019;m very lucky.\n\nWhat have you learned from life?\n\n Here&amp;amp;#x2019;s what I&amp;amp;#x2019;ve learned\u2014it&amp;amp;#x2019;s invaluable and I wish I&amp;amp;#x2019;d learned it much earlier: It is absolutely fine to leave the party anytime you want. You don&amp;amp;#x2019;t have to feel guilty, you don&amp;amp;#x2019;t have to go find the host and say, &amp;amp;#x201C;Hey man, I gotta go,&amp;amp;#x201D; you don&amp;amp;#x2019;t have to find your friends. Just leave. An Irish goodbye, every time. Don&amp;amp;#x2019;t worry about it; deal with it later. Nobody really gives a shit\u2014if you want to leave, leave!\n\n\n\nDavy Rothbart is the author of My Heart is an Idiot, a book of personal essays, co-director of the documentary Medora, and the creator of FOUND Magazine. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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