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"FacebookPinterestmagary-mis-jennifer-lawrence-635.jpeg\n\nTime once more for Make It Stop, in which we count down the five things this week that must stop. \n\n1. The Oscars pre-game show. \"Jennifer Lawrence! You're nominated tonight! Are you excited?\" I don't know, Chris Connelly. She's 22 and she gets to party all night with a bunch of movie stars, maybe even taking home a prestigious award in the process. No, she's probably not excited at all. And pity the poor non-famous spouses and boyfriends that have to stand there like assholes for minutes at a time while their significant others answer stupid questions. What do you do with yourself when you're on camera but you can't say shit? Horrible.\n\n2. Bracketology. I think it's fun to speculate about who's gonna get a #1 seed and all that. But honestly, you can take this practice wayyyy too far. If you spend every day shifting around your mock bracket, it just accentuates the pointlessness of the ercise. REAL brackets, with correct slotting and everything, are useless after three days of tourney action anyway. Bracketology just hammers home how utterly arbitrary these seedings are, and that the NCAA doesn't give nearly as much thought to this process as you think they do. Because they know, deep down, that once the tourney begins, no one gives a shit which bubble teams got left out and which teams got stuck in a tough regional.\n\n3. Hipsturbia. \"'I don't think we need to be in Brooklyn,'\" said Marie Labropoulos, who recently moved to Westchester County and opened a shop, Kalliste, selling artisanal vegan soap in Dobbs Ferry. \"'We're bringing Brooklyn with us.'\" NO. You hear me? NO. That is not allowed. Listen, I'm not 100 percent against all hipsterdom. I like Arcade Fire and I appreciate locally sourced goat taco food trucks as much as the next guy. But leave the suburbs alone. The American suburbs are a place for disaffected white people to live out their bland existences while a dark subcurrent of perversion and anxiety lurks just underneath. I don't want that ruined. How will Todd Solondz ever make a movie again if every asshole in the suburbs IS Todd Solondz?\n\n4. The up-the-back baby shit. If you've never had kids, you are unaware of the fact that a diaper often proves to be an inadequate collection device for infant feces. If the baby has amassed a large enough bowel movement, and if that baby has the surprising amount of pelvic floor power needed to evacuate that movement at roughly 30 mph, then the diaper has no chance. I went to change my ten-month-old yesterday and he had blasted up THROUGH the top of the diaper, which happens wayyyyy more often than it should. I can't tell you how distressing this is. The shit gets everywhere. It gets on the baby's clothing. It gets on the changing table. The baby will reach down and grab the shit and then wash his hair with it. Shit, shit everywhere. My son's shirt was drenched in diarrhea, and I had no logistical way of getting the shirt off of him without spackling his face in used green beans.\n\nWe're talking about a solid half-hour cleanup job. I used a thousand wipes. I had to strip the changing table and soak the clothing and give the baby a surprise butt bath. And then I had to check myself for any stray flecks of poop. Because honestly, they could be anywhere. There's probably half-a-turtle hiding behind my ear right now. It's terrifying. And the worst part is that children go on streaks of explosive shits (I'm told it's particularly terrible with breastfed children\u2014let's see the harpies at La Leche League mention that detail). They can do this for DAYS. It's horrifying. Beware the side-squirter.\n\n5. Trying to make Danica Patrick happen. You know she's never gonna win anything, right? She's not. She'll NEVER win. At least Anna Kournikova had the decency to quit."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/make-it-stop-the-worst-of-the-week-of-022213>