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" Not too long ago \u2014 call it the turn of the century \u2014 it was possible to venture down to your local multiplex between June and August and witness teenagers having sex with pie, Mel Gibson in something, and the future governor of California shooting alligators and getting doublecrossed by James Caan. These were heady times. Flash-forward to June 2013, where the meager offerings include a sad Superman and the Smith family&amp;#039;s first bomb. To get through the lean months ahead (Pacific Rim!), we&amp;#039;ve assembled eight summer-movie-season veterans that have entertained before and can do so again, with a few small repairs. EYES WIDE SHUT(1999)  What we keep: Aching boringness, lack of humor, two years of shooting in London, scenes that require 97 takes, naked people in masks cavorting about. What we update: The leads. No more Cruise and Kidman. Kanye and Kim are now the ones being drawn into Pinewood Studios&amp;#039; version of New York&amp;#039;s sexual underworld. Call it a wedding present \u2014 the chance to look great in a serious, sexual film based on a Schnitzler novella (Schnitzler!) directed by a newly-cloned Stanley Kubrick from some skin on his chess set. (Sydney Pollack also gets a clone.)  How it shakes out: Kubrick 2 is back to asking for 97 takes again, Harvey Keitel might have made a mess of a masturbation scene again, Kubrick 2 again dies just after delivering his final cut, but before hearing notes from his leads. Rumors abound they also hated their time on Eyes Wide Shut. Basically, it will be the same slow, pompous, not particularly sexy film that came out in 1999. And yet somehow we are still intrigued. THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE (2002)  What we keep: Robert Evans talking in Robert Evans&amp;#039;s voice about things that have happened to Robert Evans. What we update: Everything post-2002. How it shakes out: Another exquisite documentary in which Evans describes having a stroke in front of Wes Craven (&amp;quot;I sure scared the shit out of the king of horror!&amp;quot;) and why he doesn&amp;#039;t like Kate Hudson&amp;#039;s looks (&amp;quot;no thin lips&amp;quot;). After that, lots of Godfather stories.  FACE/OFF (1998)  What we keep: Two enemies swapping faces for some reason. What we update: People doing the swapping. There&amp;#039;s no reason this shouldn&amp;#039;t be rebooted every two or three years for a new pair of show-offy actors to poke gentle fun at their actorly tics and minor physical imperfections. Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg would be stellar, as would Sean Penn and Idris Elba (you heard us). Someone, somewhere is bound to suggest a gender reversal with Mindy Kaling and Anna Faris in the leads because women are cops on the edge and sociopathic dope smugglers, too. This is an interesting point, one to be brooded over while signing the final contracts with Woody Harrelson and Josh Brolin. This man is to be patronized until contracts can be signed. How it shakes out: Good guy, whoever he is, learns to like his face. THE TRUMAN SHOW (1998)  What we keep: Ed Harris in the moon producing some poor schmuck&amp;#039;s life, said schmuck&amp;#039;s trying to get free. What we update: Truman and his environment. There are critic-types \u2014 including the inimitable David Thomson \u2014 who insist this was the best American film of the 1990s. But it&amp;#039;s still hard to get past Jim Carrey and the claustrophobia of the faux-Florida compound. Another bite of the apple might be in order \u2014 an early version of Andrew Niccol&amp;#039;s screenplay was set in a simulated Manhattan. Why not move Christof to another moon \u2014 a bigger moon! \u2014 and have him manufacture reality for a guy played by, say, Mark Ruffalo? How it shakes out: Truman, caught between the moon and New York City, chooses freedom. Ruffalo gets the Oscar nomination that escaped Carrey. Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN(2001)  Not a frame is touched. Not one frame. MIAMI VICE (2006)  What we keep: The original trailer, terrific in media res opening, snatches of dialogue that are actually audible, the Michael Mann players. What we update: Add plot, reduce subplots. Get Crockett and Tubbs less shiny suits. How it shakes out: A mulligan for all who worked on the most disappointing film of the 21st century so far. Mann gets his original ending because Jamie Foxx doesn&amp;#039;t refuse to step foot in Paraguay this time. People who watched the original probably will stay hate it. Viewers under 25 at least don&amp;#039;t feel like they just got out of a movie where everyone spoke Finnish.  THE ROCK (1996)  What we keep: Nearly all of it. This is the gold standard of summer movies where a ragtag group of good guys have to sneak into a place to stop other former good guys gone rogue from using chemical weapons on an unsuspecting populace. It works as well as Bridge on the River Kwai and is a whole lot funnier.  What we update: The writing credits to accurately reflect the contributions of script doctoring by Aaron Sorkin and Quentin Tarantino. In 1996, it looked like both might even be among the credited screenwriters. Michael Bay was even lobbying the WGA on Sorkin&amp;#039;s behalf. It didn&amp;#039;t happen, but it would have made for a hell of a press junket. How it shakes out: Unholy alliance of some form, we&amp;#039;re guessing. SNAKE EYES (1998)  What we keep: Yes, we&amp;#039;re going to keep something from Snake Eyes. Snake Eyes is great, at least during the dynamite 20-minute opening tracking shot where Nicolas Cage does his happy yelling thing and bounces around like a Superball before the start of a boxing match. He robs Luis Guzman, flirts with Carla Gugino, gets a stern talking-to from corrupt commander Gary Sinise, and then sees the Secretary of Defense get shot. What we update: The rest of the movie. Just change it. Can&amp;#039;t make it any worse. A hurricane saves the day. How it shakes out: People still can&amp;#039;t believe anyone could like Snake Eyes. It&amp;#039;s just a silly summer movie... "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/movies/a23326/lost-summer-movies/>