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" Four years ago I nearly destroyed my family. I crossed a line, letting an office flirtation turn into something more. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn&amp;#039;t make myself turn back. And then my entire world began spinning out of control.  Before that complicated summer of 2001, there had never been anyone else besides my husband, Scott. I&amp;#039;ve known him since I was 13 -- we went to different schools, but I&amp;#039;d stare at him in church every Sunday, admiring his amazing smile and gorgeous eyes. I finally approached him at a party during my senior year in high school. He was sweet and shy; we talked for hours.   We started dating soon after that night, and I couldn&amp;#039;t have been happier. My first boyfriend! One way or another, we saw each other every weekend.   I couldn&amp;#039;t stand to be apart from Scott. I loved how he watched out for me. I didn&amp;#039;t have a traditional family: My mom was an alcoholic, so when I was 15, I moved in with my cousins --I call them my guardian parents.  Scott and I dated for five wonderful years and then we got married on August 25, 1989. Lighting the unity candle and looking into each other&amp;#039;s tear-filled eyes was one of our most intimate moments -- one of many more to come, I hoped.   After our wedding, we got even closer, doing almost everything together. My husband and I were so inseparable that I occasionally wondered if all that togetherness was normal. But I liked spending time with Scott, so I pushed aside my concerns.  Knowing we wanted to start a family, Scott and I threw ourselves into building our dream house. Scott -- who is a carpenter -- constructed it, and I helped him with the painting. I didn&amp;#039;t mind the work because we shared the same vision: a beautiful home that our future children would run around in. We were thrilled when I got pregnant later that year, and then gave birth to a healthy baby girl, whom we named Jessie. Everyone thought we were the perfect family -- even acquaintances commented about how cute we were together. And when we had a second daughter, Jolie, two years later, people really thought we had it all.  But behind the happy family portrait, something was missing from our marriage. I felt like I couldn&amp;#039;t completely be myself around Scott. If we were out with friends and I started joking around or saying something silly, Scott would give me a stern look or actually tell me to stop. I found myself longing for a partner, not a father figure. I even started going to a therapist to try to figure things out. I tried to convince Scott to go with me, but he refused.   One of my biggest gripes was that unless Scott wanted sex, he never held my hand or kissed me. Scott believed that young married couples should make love three times a week. He would go on and on about it. So to shut him up, I would force myself to have sex with him. Sometimes the sex was good, but I resented him for pressuring me. When I asked Scott to be affectionate outside the bedroom, he&amp;#039;d say that it wasn&amp;#039;t in his nature. But he showered our girls with hugs and kisses. &amp;quot;You never look at me the way you look at the kids,&amp;quot; I&amp;#039;d say. I wanted to be adored like that.   The only time I completely forgot my problems with Scott was when I was at work. I loved my job as a medical lab technician, and I took pride in it. Around work friends, I was outgoing and bubbly, always smiling and joking around.   But when I came home at night, the reality of my life with Scott would hit me full force. Scott wanted me to work because my job had health insurance, but he also wanted me to keep the house clean. On some level, I knew Scott put pressure on me because he was unhappy with his job but didn&amp;#039;t really have the confidence to leave it. But I also felt like he was comparing me with his mother, who had been an amazing stay-at-home mom. I used to pressure myself to do more, but the more I did, the more stressed I got. Sometimes, I&amp;#039;d just give up and not do any housework. It didn&amp;#039;t hit me how sad and overwhelmed I felt until the winter of 2000, when Jessie asked me: &amp;quot;Mommy, why does Daddy always yell at you and tell you what to do?&amp;quot;  &amp;quot;Honey, I don&amp;#039;t know,&amp;quot; I said. And as I stared into my sweet 3-year-old&amp;#039;s eyes, it hit me: I&amp;#039;m done working on this marriage.  Craving attention, I started flirting with the doctors at work. I had recently lost 20 pounds of baby weight and felt good about the way I looked. Before long, one married coworker, Tom,* started flirting back. Soon he was showering me with compliments. Tom treated me like a princess, and I loved the attention. He&amp;#039;d bring me coffee or cut-up pieces of fruit for breakfast. He looked at me with adoration, which Scott never did. One night Scott came out with me and my work friends to a Mexican restaurant and saw that Tom was staring at me. I could tell Scott was uncomfortable.   &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t worry about Tom,&amp;quot; I said. &amp;quot;He&amp;#039;s harmless.&amp;quot;  &amp;quot;Yeah, right,&amp;quot; said Scott.   I wish I could say that Scott had no reason to worry, but I was definitely attracted to Tom. He wasn&amp;#039;t better-looking than Scott, and he was 18 years older than me. But I loved his cologne -- he smelled great. Mostly, though, I loved that he told me how beautiful, sexy and special I was.   Sitting at my desk, I&amp;#039;d sometimes look up to find Tom standing over me, smiling. At other times, I&amp;#039;d feel his warm hands rubbing away the tension in my shoulders. We were supposed to wear scrubs to work, but I started dressing up for Tom, choosing lower-cut sweaters and nice pants. I didn&amp;#039;t know then that I was going to have an affair; I just knew that I had to have Tom&amp;#039;s attention.  About a year after the day my daughter Jessie asked me about Scott&amp;#039;s yelling, I gave in to temptation. A group of us grabbed drinks after work, and Tom was there. He stood really close to me and took my hand under the table. Later that night, he kissed me. I had been waiting for the kiss to happen, and it felt incredibly exciting. I knew that kissing him back was wrong, but Tom made me feel sexy and carefree. Most of all, he made me feel wanted.   After that night, Tom and I started writing each other heartfelt letters. I could feel myself loving him. It was like I flicked a switch in my head and decided to put my effort into that relationship -- to heck with Scott and everything else in my life.   For the next several months, Tom and I spent almost every lunch together. We didn&amp;#039;t have a ton of sex because there weren&amp;#039;t many occasions to be alone, and I had to get home to my family. One night I went out for groceries and Tom met me in the parking lot. I felt so guilty seeing him when I was supposed to be getting food for my family, but one thing led to another.... I never brought Tom back to my home, though -- that was one boundary I didn&amp;#039;t cross.   It occurred to me that I loved Tom more than I&amp;#039;d ever loved anyone. I also decided that I had never loved Scott. I was so wrapped up in my feelings of true love that I forgot about everything else around me. I remember coming home after being intimate with Tom and still feeling excited -- guilty, too, but definitely excited. At one point, I even thought: It would be okay if Tom and I had no money and I only got to see my girls part-time. I love this man that much.   Then, one September day, Scott called me at work and asked me about repeated calls on my cell phone bill.   &amp;quot;Whose number is this? Is it Tom&amp;#039;s?&amp;quot;   &amp;quot;Yes,&amp;quot; I said, breaking into tears.   Bawling, I told Scott everything. He was furious. But he was also crying and saying that he wanted to work things out. In my head, I was off somewhere with Tom. It was hard for me to want to change things with Scott after I had asked him to change for years. I thought, Why bother now? So without telling Scott whether I would end the affair, I kept seeing Tom.   *Name has been changed. In March of 2002, the higher-ups at work found out about the affair. I was relocated to a different site, and Tom was demoted (he later quit). I loved my job; I was devastated that the affair had ruined my reputation. But even though we&amp;#039;d both suffered huge setbacks, Tom and I still didn&amp;#039;t want to break things off. So he started visiting me at my new job.  My morale was lower than ever. I hated how I was hurting Scott. I had trouble dragging myself out of bed; I was constantly crying. I couldn&amp;#039;t eat and lost even more weight.  Then, the bottom really dropped out. Tom&amp;#039;s wife called Scott and told him that Tom and I had been at a hotel a few days before. Scott confronted me about it. I was tired of deceiving him, so I came clean again. Then I told him that I wanted a divorce. I didn&amp;#039;t know of any other way to fix the mess I had made of our lives.  Later that day, Scott vented on the phone to his family. &amp;quot;Bonnie is leaving,&amp;quot; he said, not realizing that Jessie, then 4, was in the room. Jessie grabbed our family photo and clutched it to her chest. &amp;quot;No! I don&amp;#039;t want to lose Mommy!&amp;quot;  Scott called me at work and told me to come home right away.  &amp;quot;You need to see your daughter,&amp;quot; he said.   I came home and held Jessie in my arms.   &amp;quot;Mommy isn&amp;#039;t happy, but everything will be okay,&amp;quot; I said. &amp;quot;Mommy and Daddy may not stay together, but we will always love you.&amp;quot;  Scott looked at me with hate in his eyes. &amp;quot;If you could have seen her grasp that picture, you would never leave,&amp;quot; he said. &amp;quot;I can&amp;#039;t understand why you&amp;#039;d break up our family.&amp;quot;  Scott called my guardian parents and told them everything. I went to see them the next day. It was the lowest point of my life. I needed love and support, but they were so disgusted that they couldn&amp;#039;t even look me in the eye. That&amp;#039;s when it hit me: I had to do something to make this right before I lost everyone I loved.  I went home and told Scott that I wanted to stay and work on things with him. I still had feelings for Tom, but I prayed and turned to a good friend who helped me whenever I felt weak and wanted to call him.  Just when I thought there was no hope, a former coworker told me about Retrouvaille, a couples&amp;#039; retreat for healing broken marriages. In July of 2002, Scott and I drove in silence to our Retrouvaille weekend. Even though I had done everything to destroy my marriage, I wanted to give it one last shot. During the retreat, Scott and I learned things we never knew about each other. When asked to name the times when we felt most connected, we picked the same moments -- when his dad died and at the birth of each of our children. We learned how to explain our feelings without judging or bashing each other. For the first time, I realized that Scott had felt very alone in our marriage too.  After that weekend, it hit me that you make a decision to love your spouse. I was ready to commit to our marriage. But the other couples stressed that I had to cut all ties with the third party. So I wrote Tom saying that I didn&amp;#039;t want him to contact me ever again. It wasn&amp;#039;t easy putting him behind me, but I knew I had to. I realized that God put Scott and me together for a reason, and that my daughters deserved a mother and a father living with them. The more Scott and I worked on communicating, the more we were able to knock down barriers. Scott learned to forgive me, and I slowly won back his trust. I know now that I can&amp;#039;t change Scott, but I can change how I react to him. If he tells me to stop using the credit card so much, I listen to what he is really saying -- that he&amp;#039;s concerned about our family&amp;#039;s welfare -- instead of thinking that he is trying to control me. And we get along so much better as a result. Scott hugs and kisses me a lot, and if he doesn&amp;#039;t, I&amp;#039;m not afraid to ask him to! I used to expect him just to know what I needed. For a while he was bringing me roses once a week. Sometimes I tell him that he doesn&amp;#039;t bring me roses anymore. But he always reassures me: &amp;quot;Bon, regardless of the roses, I love you.&amp;quot; As long as he finds ways to tell me, that&amp;#039;s what matters.  Today, we cherish our 15-year marriage, while never forgetting what we almost lost. Our girls, Jessie, 8, and Jolie, 6, are thriving because they see a difference in Mom and Dad. We enjoy family dinners out, go to the movies, and we recently fulfilled a lifelong dream of taking our kids skiing. Scott and I find time alone, too: We kickbox together and play volleyball in a coed league.   Scott&amp;#039;s newfound confidence really excites me. Our sex life is 100 percent better because we&amp;#039;re completely comfortable together. He doesn&amp;#039;t pressure me, and I initiate sex! I always thought he was good-looking, but now I really desire him. And the more he notices me, the more I want him.   My faith and my love for my kids helped me focus on repairing my marriage, but I don&amp;#039;t think Scott and I would have made it without Retrouvaille. It saved my marriage and my family. We are like any married couple, and still have days when we go to bed not talking, but now we know it won&amp;#039;t ruin us.   It took having the affair to finally open my eyes. Everything we went through made us stronger. So, this may sound awful, but I guess I&amp;#039;m not sorry for the affair. I&amp;#039;m sorry that I hurt so many people -- especially my husband and daughters. But our family bond has been tested, and I now know it&amp;#039;s unbreakable.  The other night we gathered for &amp;quot;family movie night,&amp;quot; complete with pillows and popcorn. As we laughed and cuddled, I realized I&amp;#039;m living my dream. These are life&amp;#039;s special moments, and I no longer take them for granted. When I called Bonnie at work after finding dozens of calls to the same number on her cell phone bill, she admitted to having an affair right away. I wanted to jump in my truck and see her, but I couldn&amp;#039;t leave my job. All I could think about were the kids and how much I still loved Bonnie. Holding the phone to my ear while Bonnie explained that she didn&amp;#039;t intend for the affair to happen was one of the toughest things I&amp;#039;ve ever done. &amp;quot;Tom understands me,&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;And he&amp;#039;s special.&amp;quot; I felt so inadequate hearing how some other guy understood Bonnie. I&amp;#039;m the one married to Bonnie, and I&amp;#039;ve been with her since high school, I thought. I know her better than anyone could.   But the worst blow was learning who the other guy was. I was shocked that Bonnie picked this older, dumpy-looking guy with a smart-ass personality. I couldn&amp;#039;t understand what he had to offer that I didn&amp;#039;t.   &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s it going to take to keep you here?&amp;quot; I cried. I begged her to work on things with me. But she said it was too late -- she was living a lie.   I wrote notes to her and tried to provoke feelings from her daily. I lived in fear that one day I&amp;#039;d come home and her things would be gone. I knew it was day-to-day with Bonnie. She was only in the house for the kids. As if things weren&amp;#039;t stressful enough, I had just started my own carpentry business. I&amp;#039;d drag myself there, then lose my train of thought. I dropped almost 40 pounds. I just couldn&amp;#039;t eat. Bonnie was still looking out for me. She&amp;#039;d say, &amp;quot;You have to eat -- let me fix you something.&amp;quot;   My faith kept me going. I talked to a former pastor, who helped me through my pain. I also went to counseling. Plus, I immersed myself in taking care of the kids. I knew I had to keep my daughters on a schedule and smile for their sake. I&amp;#039;d freak out and lose it when they were asleep. I hated the thought of seeing my kids only on weekends or holidays.  We decided to go on a Retrouvaille couples&amp;#039; retreat to try to heal our marriage. The drive there was the longest of my life. We didn&amp;#039;t speak, and I was so scared that our marriage was beyond repair. But when we got there it was comforting seeing other people in the same boat. Retrouvaille helped me forgive. I learned that I couldn&amp;#039;t go anywhere in life if I was always afraid of getting hurt. Besides, the hurt couldn&amp;#039;t get any worse than when Bonnie said she wasn&amp;#039;t in love with me.   Today, Bonnie and I are more intimate -- sexually and emotionally. I used to keep things bottled up, but now I feel like I can say anything to her. I didn&amp;#039;t know marriage could be this good. It&amp;#039;s a rough way to go about fixing things, but we are stronger now than ever.  Whether you&amp;#039;re facing minor roadblocks or a true crisis, research shows that group programs such as these may be more helpful than marriage therapy. Participants report that knowing you&amp;#039;re in the same boat with other couples eases tension and opens lines of communication.   Retrouvaille: This Catholic-based (but open to all) weekend retreat helps marriages in crisis; call 800-470-2230 or go to retrouvaille.org.   Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills: In workshops, partners are taught to identify and communicate their needs; pairs.com.   Imago Relationships International: Couples are taught to break patterns of negative behaviors, such as belittling and sarcasm; imagotherapy.com.  "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a142/diary-of-an-affair/>