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"The Quest is a twisted fairytale mirror of a reality show, worth your attention for, if nothing else, the way it will make you feel about the way you already felt about both high-minded fantasy and lowbrow reality TV.\nWhich ... is a bit silly. Extra silly if you like both.\nSEE ALSO: Inside Our New Nerdy Obsession 'The Quest'\nNot that this silliness is entirely bad: The Quest is the height of summer escapist reality TV. To think such a thing could be as worldly as, say, The Amazing Race, or as physically punishing as Survivor, or even 1/10th as emotionally punishing as Game of Thrones is to seriously undermine the merits of all three.\nIt even undermines the (swallows hard) merits of LARPing, or Live Action Role Playing Games. Because in the end, that's what it is \u2014 grownups in costumes earnestly pretending \u2014 the key differences with The Quest being that the participants don't really know how to do it right, and there are cameras rolling.\nI know, I know. Just try not to watch this show.\n\nThe Quest has been sold as a blend of scripted fantasy TV \u2014 a little more Reign than Game of Thrones, he said condescendingly \u2014 and the pilot, which aired Thursday night on ABC, delivers on that.\nThere are actors, some much better than others, who are leading the contestants through a generic fantasy narrative about an impending hostile invasion they are tasked to repel. Most of these actors, inhabitants of a place some fantasy name-generator dubbed \"Everealm,\" are utterly disgusted to find that these 12 lowly \"Paladins\" have been sent by the \"Fates\" to save their land, which is the last kingdom left standing on a grander stage.\nStrike up the brooding cello melody, because these Paladins are not worthy \u2014 yet.\nThe good news is that among the 12 Paladins will emerge the One True Hero, who will save Everealm from this sweeping scythe of evil. Who that evil actually is might have been explained on Thursday night ... but who has the attention span for that? It's July 31 for Westeros' sake.\nThe Paladins need a few beats to really buy in, as if they haven't been fully briefed on what's before them. They are culled from the most nondescript corners of the U.S. and transported to Everealm, where the native language seems to be High Density Exposition. Brought before the \"Fates,\" a three-woman Greek Chorus of referees, we quickly learn a few things about what the Paladins must do to save it. Is someone taking notes? HEY! Look alive, Girl from Chicago Suburb Named Katie!\nWe learn that each Paladin will come to possess a fragment of the \"Sun Spear,\" which is the McGuffin thingy that can turn back the darkness at the door of Everealm. When each finds his or her fragment, The Quest begins. The Fates send them off into \"The Marwood\" to find these items \u2014 they find them! Hey, that was easy! \u2014 and the adventure seems to be going along well except for the part where a Minotaur-like creature drags off one of their number into the darkness (it was an actor, don't be scared).\nShondo Blades, a mixed-martial-arts-fighter Paladin from Houston, admonishes the just-assembled group that they should've helped the poor sap by ... doing what exactly? Putting the guy in the Minotaur suit in a submission hold? No one's sure what to do, but they sort of agree and move on, presumably toward some off-camera guy with a clipboard.\nBehold! The sun just came up, and the guide they've been assigned by the Fates, Crio the Dreamer, a young fella who looks like the Red Viper's ineffectual younger brother \u2014 Fredo Corleone to Pedro Pascal's Michael \u2014 has led them to Castle Sanctum. Behold! Castle Sanctum! It's just there across a field, basked in golden morning light! And behold! They all have Just Enough Mud on their faces!\n\nBut there are riders behind!\n\"RUN!\" says Crio the Dreamer, and they do, to the stone castle in the distance. Safely inside, they find not sanctum-ey after al. In fact, a cranky man orders them into some kind of circular holding cell, and once again, no one knows what to do. After a brief period of debate about whether to try to bust out or sit tight, the mood suddenly lightens ... the music turns festive ... and they start sharing their life stories! Finally, we get to know the Paladins' origins. Phew, we've been waiting.\nEach has names and occupations and ideas and things, but none of that matters because another cranky fellow, this one carrying a staff with an Orb of Importance glued on top of it, has just burst in and starts a condescending rant. With the conviction of a porn actor he speaks of them with disgust, and the contestants respond ... like a group of civilians who've just been dissed by a porn actor during their first day on set.\nAnyway, Cranky Orb Man tells Crio the Dreamer that this sorry lot is his problem \u2014 and his responsibility. So now we have our Phil Keoghan-cum-Fredo-Corleone established, thank goodness.\n\nPeter Windhofer, who plays the sareant-at-arms in ABC's \"The Quest.\"Image:  ABCThe Palaldins bed down for the night, and are rudely awoken by an actor (Peter Windhofer, above) who's so convincing as sargeant-at-arms that they are offput \u2014 is this guy really going to keep yelling at us? \u2014 but ultimately compliant as the first challenge is issued: \"The queen ordered me to turn you into warriors,\" he says, and shows them what they need to do not to be \"banished\" from Episode 1.\nFour teams of three will load, aim and fire giant crossbows over a wooden wall at the advancing army of dummies. The team that hits the most targets will win; the team that hits the least targets is in trouble. After several minutes of launching huge arrows, the verdict is in \u2014 the team with the white arrows stuck 13 targets, while the team with the blue arrows hit only four.\n\"I could've killed more people with my hands, throwing arrows over this wall,\" the sargeant-at-arms quips. He's good, just utterly selling this. It almost doesn't fit.\nAt his behest, the victorious white team chooses their most worthy \u2014 it's Bonnie, the Feisty Redhead \u2014 who was responsible for spotting the crossbow's aim. She's issued an \"Order of Leadership\" pin, which apparently will mean something later. The members of the blue team losers will be sent back to the cave of the castle to find out who's \"banished\" for poorly launching huge darts at unseen targets.\n\"I can't spend a other 5 minutes not knowing what's going to happen,\" says Katie, the blonde girl from Some Suburb of Chicago, which is funny because there are 12 minutes left of the show.\nAnd behold! The blue-arrows team is sent back to the cave of the Fates for one last challenge. In keeping with the theme, it's an archery duel \u2014 each Paladin has a bow-and-arrow and a dummy on a rotisserie representing them. They're to pump as many arrows into opposing players' dummies as they can; the player who has the least arrows when it's over will be saved. The other two will be cast into what we have to assume is a weekly voting ritual to decide who's banished.\nThe team's two men \u2014 Christian the server, and Patrick the friendly-seeming teacher \u2014 are pumping arrows into Katie's dummy, blatantly ganging up on the girl. She shoots valiantly but her dummy is like a pin-cushion when it's over, and Christian's is decidedly spare. He'll continue The Quest.\nNow the rest of the tribe must debate who's in and out, and after a few minutes of nattering about pros and cons, it's time to vote. With the the bottom two's backs turned, the remaining contestants cast their votes by lining up behind who they're backing.\nKatie turns around to find only 3 people in her line.\nSorry Katie \u2014 it's back to Somewhere in Illinois for you. Everealm is just too big for all these Paladins.\n\"The rest of you ... continue The Quest!\" seems to be the Fates' final officious catch-phrase, and whether audiences do will be interesting to see indeed.\nHave something to add to this story? Share it in the comments."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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