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" The Bachelorette season finale airs tonight, and there&amp;#039;s a chance you&amp;#039;ll be watching it. Sure, this might sound crazy to you considering your policy has been to never touch this spectacle with a ten-foot pole. But a person needs to be prepared. Maybe your girlfriend or wife asks you pretty-please to join her for this Very Big Deal television event. Maybe she hosts a little get-together at your place and the food spread sucks you in. Or maybe you&amp;#039;re just minding your own business, living your life, when you pass by the TV and get caught in the rose petal-laden crossfire. It could happen. In the event that it does, here&amp;#039;s some advice to help make the experience bearable. Drink: The show doesn&amp;#039;t make sense, so any substance that allows you to cheerfully gloss over that fact is encouraged. Your goal should be to meet the show where it is, and alcohol is the perfect vehicle for getting there. If you like, make a game of it. Drink whenever someone in the cast drinks, otherwise known as all of the time. Or, if you like a challenge and want to &amp;quot;take things to the next level&amp;quot; (in the parlance of the show), drink when you hear the words &amp;quot;fairy tale,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Prince Charming,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;journey,&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;connection.&amp;quot; If you&amp;#039;re feeling very ambitious, try this advanced variation: Place two beverages in front of you and drink from the one on the left whenever you hear the phrase &amp;quot;here for the right reasons&amp;quot; and from the one on the right whenever someone says &amp;quot;here for the wrong reasons,&amp;quot; then see which drink is gone faster. What am I even talking about? It doesn&amp;#039;t matter. Just be sure to drink. Perform other tasks while watching: You mustn&amp;#039;t try to sit and watch The Bachelorette as if it&amp;#039;s an actual show with actual storylines. There is no plot. Or action. Or forward movement of any kind. This show deals solely in conversation. It works like this: The cast members travel to different locations around the world and take turns sitting down and conversing \u2014 on beaches, in front of monuments, on picnic blankets, in front of plates of food not meant for consumption. At every location, the topic of the conversation is the same: loving love. The nice thing about everything happening on a loop is that a person can follow along without paying too much attention. So get some shiz done, son! Pay bills. Update your fantasy baseball team. Send e-mails*. Organize your iTunes. Me, I like to spend my Bachelorette hours doing minor craft projects like Flashdancing sweatshirts and using my three-hole-punch on papers of all kinds. Do whatever needs doing and don&amp;#039;t worry about missing anything important. When it&amp;#039;s time to pay attention, the show will alert you with ominous music and/or a contestant saying, &amp;quot;What could possibly go wrong?&amp;quot;  Feel morally superior: Sure, these guys might have some admirably ripped abs, but aside from that, they are there to remind you just how together your shit really is. For one thing, you have not chosen to embarrass your family, colleagues, and self by going on a nationally-televised competition show to find a spouse. Nor have you shaved your chest, dipped your body into a vat of orange spray-tan solution, shellacked your hair into a solid mass with Dippity-Do, or bleached your teeth a shade of white so bright it&amp;#039;s blue. You are also not overly argumentative, overly weepy, or a disconcertingly intense combination of the two. You aren&amp;#039;t a psycho-babbling over-sharer who expresses feelings through poetry that you write in invisible ink, nor do you throw around fake words like &amp;quot;accusate.&amp;quot; Pat yourself on the back for all of this. You&amp;#039;re doing great! Enjoy the female beauty on display: The current bachelorette Desiree Hartsock is truly adorable. Yes, she&amp;#039;s cripplingly indecisive and a tad boring and a terrible listener, but there&amp;#039;s no denying her natural beauty, and the show styles her stunningly for each and every outing. Personally, I love the chance to behold the weekly parade of ensembles and hairstyles; it&amp;#039;s like flipping through a fashion magazine but without the hand strain of having to hold it up. Likewise, if you&amp;#039;re a man, chances are that whatever your ideal fantasy-woman type, Desiree will embody it over the course of any given episode. Club girl, wholesome all-American girl next door, whimsical bohemian sprite, Russian mob wife, outdoorsy lass/Sporty Spice, you name it. Whatever floats your boat will be on the menu.  Forgive your loved one: Would it help to know that your lady is not watching this show in a fully sincere way? If she&amp;#039;s an adult human with a brain, she is at least 30 percent hate-watching this show. Chances are she&amp;#039;s also probably watching for comedy and for sport and for the travelogue aspect and for the aforementioned fashion display, and, if she&amp;#039;s anything like me, simply for the chance to lay on the couch for an extended period of time, which a person sometimes needs, especially at the end of a long Monday. In any case, just know that there&amp;#039;s only a teensy tiny part of her that&amp;#039;s watching in earnest. So no need to be concerned for her intelligence, or weirded out by her lowbrow taste. Trust me, in her own way, your lady is already judging this beautiful monstrosity. So no need to judge her. Not that you would, of course.  *Avoid work e-mails on account of the first tip. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/tv/a24178/bachelorette-hate-watch-finale/>