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"  Because most of my job requires me to write about love, sex, and so on, I often like to use my own relationship as a testing ground. At best, it brings my fianc\u00E9, Greg, and I closer\u2014or at least allow us to learn something new about our bond. At worst, it gives me some material. So, when we were offered the chance to try a three-day, Skinny Bitch-endorsed cleanse, I figured it could be an interesting challenge: Would the experience bring us closer? Would the lack of real food make us fight\u2014or send us into the bedroom for sexual solace? Greg was skeptical to say the least; he&amp;#039;s the kind of guy who&amp;#039;s thinks organic fruit is some kind of conspiracy to make people pay more for an apple. When I asked him if he wanted to do a cleanse with me, his response was, predictably, &amp;quot;hell no.&amp;quot; However, when I explained that I thought maybe I would write about our experience, he swiftly changed his mind in the name of journalism. (And this, folks, is one of the many reasons why I am marrying him.) Plus, this was kind of a sissy cleanse with few guidelines: Three smoothies a day (the company provides you with little packets to blend with ice, water, or fruit) plus unlimited fruits and vegetables if you need them. How bad could it be? Day One 8:35 a.m.: Made first smoothie with frozen bananas and strawberries, as recommended for &amp;quot;beginners.&amp;quot; Aside from the chalky protein powder consistency, it&amp;#039;s not bad. 8:40 a.m.: First smoothie gone. I&amp;#039;m hungry. 11:54 a.m.: Four bagels would be great about now. Also, I&amp;#039;ve used the bathroom like 12 times so far. This sucks already? 12:24 p.m.: I get the following G-chat from Greg, which could almost be a haiku: &amp;quot;I already want to kill someone/grumpy pants is coming out tonight!/ok, back to pretending this cantaloupe is some sort of meat&amp;quot; 12:25 p.m.: Eat a whole raw bell pepper as a &amp;quot;snack.&amp;quot; So this is what true sadness is. 1:47 p.m.: I mix smoothie #2 with just water and ice to try to do the cleanse like a pro. It tastes like cold vomit. 4:41 p.m.: Why I am this bloated? I&amp;#039;ve never been so hungry but so fat-feeling. 6:00 p.m.: I meet up with my best friend and some other gals for a post-work picnic, while Greg goes golfing with the guys. I bring lemon water and baby carrots. My BFF brings heart-shaped, icing-and-sprinkle-covered sugar cookies (what a B). There is also (homemade!) hummus, pita chips, and mini mozzarella cheese balls\u2014and somehow I hold myself back from stuffing everything in my face Cookie Monster style. 8:41 p.m.: We both return home from our respective plans, looking more or less dead behind the eyes. I greet Greg with a feast of salad (no dressing) and corn on the cob (no butter), along with the third shake in a beer mug to make this whole thing more &amp;quot;fun.&amp;quot; See how fun it looks?  9:30 p.m.: We decide we might as well go to bed\u2014without sex. Even though we told each other that morning\u2014pre-cleanse\u2014that we really needed to get laid. But right now, I couldn&amp;#039;t feel less sexy. My stomach is basically a watermelon. I misguidedly show my sizable bulge to Greg, who looks horrified. I ask if he loves me less now. He says no, but his face says yes. I take a pregnancy test to make sure my ever-expanding stomach is the cleanse and not a growing fetus. (Results say: Cleanse.) 9:35 p.m.: I grab my laptop to look up the cleanse online and see that it&amp;#039;s supposed to provide a &amp;quot;reduction in bloating,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;reduced cravings,&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;better clarity of mind.&amp;quot; I realize it has done the exact opposite to me. Of course, I knew there would be a withdrawal period, where my body would get rid of all the &amp;quot;toxins.&amp;quot; (Greg reported that this was actually the best part: In having to poop nine times during his work day, he was able to play a lot of Words with Friends games while on the can.) Then, I read a couple reviews of this cleanse\u2014something I should have done before doing it. (Lesson learned.) Most people said it was kind of, well, not that good for you. Makes sense: The premise of protein powder + freeze dried fruit smoothie packet (plus unlimited juice, fruit and vegetables &amp;quot;if you feel hungry&amp;quot;) didn&amp;#039;t sound all that healthy when I thought about it. There was no specification of what kind of juice you could have (organic? Ocean Spray?) or even detailed nutritional info on those mysterious &amp;quot;smoothie&amp;quot; packets. Instead of being on a natural sugar high, or at least an I-feel-high-because-I&amp;#039;m-really-starving high, I just feel like I&amp;#039;m about to explode.  I knew Greg was beyond over this, but he not once did he say he was throwing in the towel. He seemed to be waiting for my cue on how to proceed. As I closed my laptop and looked over at my suffering, bloated, hungry fianc\u00E9, I knew what had to be done. One short car ride later and\u2026  Doritos Locos Tacos never tasted so freaking good!!!!! While the fog in my head cleared pretty much the moment that shredded cheese hit my tongue, my stomach remained the size of a watermelon (plus two crunchy tacos). I spend the night tossing and turning, trying not to gas out my man. (Side note: If anyone has ever felt sexy and/or had sex while doing a cleanse, please explain to me how this was possible.) It took a good day and a half to feel somewhat normal again after forcing my body to process fruit upon vegetable upon fruit (though, for the record, I am still bloated). And, obviously, our mission to test out a three-day cleanse was an epic failure. But, it wasn&amp;#039;t all for nothing, as it turned out. I found out from my cookie-pushing BFF that when our fianc\u00E9s played golf, Greg had turned down his friends&amp;#039; offer to go to In-N-Out with all of them afterward. Even though he thought the cleanse was total BS, he stayed true to it and, subsequently, to me. In the end, the whole cleanse experience, while ill-conceived, gave us an opportunity to show each other that we could laugh (or at least grimace) in the face of temptation. That we could resist delights like sugar cookies and fast food\u2014even when we&amp;#039;d eaten nothing but soy protein powder and fruit all day\u2014for the sake of a promise we made to each other. They say that the way to man&amp;#039;s heart is through his stomach. And, as cheesy as it sounds, in this case, my guy&amp;#039;s (growling) stomach reaffirmed that I most definitely have his heart. We didn&amp;#039;t need to finish the cleanse to learn that we&amp;#039;re able to stay damn committed to each other, even when it&amp;#039;s really tough to do so. Or at least, that&amp;#039;s what I&amp;#039;m going to tell myself. Want more from Natasha? Follow her on Twitter or find her on Facebook. Photos: Natasha Burton   "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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