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" Our favorite intrepid travel host Anthony Bourdain is returning this Sunday night with his food-centric travel show on CNN. In honor of the new season of Parts Unknown and my recent return from a memorable, Bourdain-inspired trip to Thailand, I&amp;#039;ve compiled a comprehensive travel guide guaranteed to help you enjoy your next foodie vacation no matter which exotic locale you choose. Happy travels! 1. Book a trip to a place primarily known for its food. As they always say, there&amp;#039;s no better way to experience a culture than through its food. So go to a place that really has a passion for food, that plans their days around meals and takes pride in their abundance and wide variety of delectable native dishes. 2. Channel your inner Bourdain. Get out of the luxury of that hotel and go experience the real culture, and not just the safe, sanitized Rick Steves-type crap. Really get out there: Take wrong turns down alleyways and accidentally pass old men gambling with knives sheathed in their pockets until you eventually reach those markets your lame friends back home wouldn&amp;#039;t touch with a ten-foot pole. 3. Eat everything possible at said street markets. Well, don&amp;#039;t be stupid and eat the papaya salads that have been sitting out all day, but anything cooked through that smells appetizing should be fair game. Chomp your way through \u2014 nothing costs more than two American dollars, so get whatever you want. 4. Return to your beautiful hotel to bask in A/C and self-satisfaction. It&amp;#039;s time to feel good about yourself, even though you&amp;#039;ve mostly just taken a long, gluttonous walk. 5. Wake up at 3 a.m. and run to the bathroom. Whoa, something didn&amp;#039;t sit well in your stomach. Well, it was bound to happen at some point. Looks like your immune system&amp;#039;s doing its job and getting out all the gross stuff. Go back to bed and know that everything&amp;#039;s bound to better in the morning! 6. Wake up again and puke so much you think you might actually die. The morning is no better \u2014 just a blur of watery diarrhea and puke. Oh God, the puke \u2014 vomit until you realize it&amp;#039;s mostly stomach bile coming out of you, then still manage to puke some more. Spend your day on the toilet with nothing to think about other than what caused your suffering. Narrow it down to that spicy, pho-like pork soup or the fried chicken, both of which you grabbed on the street yesterday and enjoyed smugly for the authenticity. Try not to shit on the floor and mostly succeed. 7. Curse God. Question His existence from the hotel toilet. 8. Search for potable drinking water in an effort to avoid death by dehydration. Worst of symptoms seem to clear up, so focus on hydrating yourself with bottled water. Faucet water doesn&amp;#039;t help, so it&amp;#039;s a tough mountain to climb, what with all your vomit and diarrhea. Grab some Gatorade at the local convenience store to get some electrolytes too, despite the fact that they only have blue flavor, not the much better red flavor. Miss America even more. 9. After a few days of torture, accept that the stomach pains will persist indefinitely. About every 10 minutes for the next five days, experience shooting stomach pains that somehow combine hunger with constipation with needing to fart and belch at the same time. Feels like the Cloverfield monster laid eggs in your stomach and the babies are trying to claw their way out. Wish they could, but then it seems like they enjoy the food you&amp;#039;re ingesting. Ascertain that your body is now a parasite hostel. Despite illness, decide against the nightmare of visiting a doctor in a foreign country. 10. Spend the rest of the trip subsisting on authentic cuisine like McDonald&amp;#039;s and KFC. You can tell a lot from a culture by what&amp;#039;s on their menu at McDonald&amp;#039;s. Have a look at that, then get a burger and fries anyway. You need your energy up for that 22-hour return trip to America. Arrive home and vow to never go anywhere more exotic than Cleveland, Ohio, for the rest of your life. Enjoy eating thoroughly processed, American food while watching people like Anthony Bourdain go all over the world on TV. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/how-to/a24681/how-to-have-a-foodie-vacation/>