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"  Christmas is Mardi Gras for the suicidal \u2014 the only time of the year the world treats depression with rum and cookies. And, lordy lord, are the holidays depressing. Christmas Day is showing up to a stranger&amp;#039;s birthday party and realizing the only people invited were you and your family. It is a financial spider web in which you&amp;#039;re forced to buy presents for people you don&amp;#039;t even like (your co-workers) and people whose names you don&amp;#039;t even know (your nieces and nephews). And, while Christmas is viewed by the na\u00EFve as a time when families come together, you&amp;#039;re better off remembering it for what it really is: the first time your parents lied to you. They did everything in their power to convince you that, not only does Santa Claus exist, he&amp;#039;ll ruin you if you misbehave or fail to put up the proper decorations. Christmas is fun only for those whose limited discernable skills of employment come into play for three weeks a year. I&amp;#039;m talking about midgets (mall elves), obese child molesters (mall Santas), and old women who never learned to type (gift wrappers). And let&amp;#039;s not forget the men of God out there. They really shine during the holidays. &amp;quot;Hey, church attendance is going up! What a perfect opportunity to lay a guilt trip on everybody I&amp;#039;ve never seen before! That&amp;#039;ll get &amp;#039;em to come back in January, NFL playoffs be damned!&amp;quot; And has anyone caught on to the fact that all your Christmas traditions make up the city council of Suck Town? The only Christmas tradition worth a damn is eating at a Chinese restaurant and going to see a movie. &amp;quot;Sorry, Dad. You fire up the model train. I&amp;#039;m going to see Django Unchained.&amp;quot; Every other Christmas tradition is borderline masochistic. First of all, mistletoe is a botanical license to rape. End of story. Your favorite Christmas songs? Talented artists selling out as hard as they can without appearing in a Wal-Mart commercial. The one song worth listening to during the holiday season is &amp;quot;Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s the only one with a real message: Your life is about to go to hell on December 26. Your office Christmas party? Let&amp;#039;s just say no one ever gets fired for passing out photocopies of their balls in July. Oh, you like poinsettias? Do you know how many people die from eating poinsettias every year? Too many. Get vaccinated, people! So, to sum up: That&amp;#039;s why Christmas is my favorite holiday. More Holiday Fun14 Best Christmas Drinks and Cocktails to Keep You WarmUnique Holiday Gifts for HerThe Best Gifts for the Men in Your LifeMake Our Favorite Eggnog Recipe and Make It Through the Season2013 Holiday Gift Giving Guide Follow The Culture Blog on RSS and on Twitter at @ESQCulture. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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