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"  Marybeth Jacoby and &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; have been &amp;quot;best frenemies&amp;quot; since first grade. &amp;quot;Even at six, as we jumped rope and played with dolls, I always felt the competitive need to be better at everything,&amp;quot; says Jacoby. &amp;quot; I was probably smarter in school, but she was cuter and had really great clothes. And if she had a blue dress, I would have to find a better blue dress.&amp;quot;  As the years passed, their competitive spirit turned to sports, popularity, and ultimately boyfriends. &amp;quot;Yes, I was supposed to be homecoming queen, but no, she had to take the crown,&amp;quot; recalls Jacoby. &amp;quot;Not to mention, her college boyfriend was my former boyfriend.&amp;quot; When Jacoby became engaged and &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; was already a year ahead in that department, Jacoby quickly made her move. &amp;quot;Little did I know the frenemy nature in me was so deep-seated that when I walked down the aisle before she did, she was busy talking about how I had to make sure I was the first.&amp;quot;  Could all this one-upping be healthy? According to a recent major study in Australia, friendships are a potent antidote to illness and depression. In fact, during the study, people with pals were said to have had a 22 percent lower risk of dying. But if your friends can keep you well, does that apply to your frenemies too?  &amp;quot;I believe frenemies can prolong and enhance your life,&amp;quot; says Heather Wagner, author of Friend or Faux: A Guide to Fussy Vegans, Crazy Cat Ladies, Creepy Clingers, Undercover Sluts, and Other Girls Who Will Quietly Destroy Your Life. &amp;quot;Because if you have a true-blue frenemy, her infuriating presence will motivate you to live better, achieve more, be healthier, look better, and, yes, even outlive her...you win!&amp;quot; So maybe they offer some virtues?  In fact, Andrea Lavinthal, coauthor of a similarly titled book, Friend or Frenemy?: A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don&amp;#039;t, believes that a little rivalry goes a long way. &amp;quot;For starters, some healthy competition can propel you in a positive way and keep you on your toes,&amp;quot; she explains. &amp;quot;Your frenemy goes on a diet and loses a bunch of weight? Well, there&amp;#039;s a good chance you&amp;#039;re going to hit the treadmill a little harder now.&amp;quot;   Wagner agrees that your frenemy inspires positive action. &amp;quot;Things only get destructive if you start obsessively comparing yourself with others. But a little healthy competition never hurts,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Your friend gets promoted, you work a little harder. Your friend starts dating a hot architect, you dump your commitmentphobic couch-surfing boyfriend.&amp;quot;  While there may be merits to having frenemies, noted therapist Nancy Winston, LCSW, believes that you have to place them in the right context. &amp;quot;Good friends are unconditional, but frenemies are not,&amp;quot; says Winston. &amp;quot;If you keep hoping she&amp;#039;s something she&amp;#039;s not, that is not healthy. And you will be disappointed.&amp;quot; The key is to understand what you can gain from each relationship. &amp;quot;Know the limits of what she is capable of giving,&amp;quot; advises Winston. While one friend may be great to take dancing or be your wingwoman at a party, you may not be able to tell her your deepest, darkest secrets. And she may not be the best person to help you heal after a breakup.  Some people insist that a frenemy can add some much-needed zest and excitement to your life. &amp;quot;While we all like to claim that we don&amp;#039;t want any drama, let&amp;#039;s face it\u2014life would be kind of dull if there weren&amp;#039;t a little friction among friends,&amp;quot; says Lavinthal. &amp;quot;I mean what would the Real Housewives of Anywhere talk about it if it was kumbaya all the time?&amp;quot; Lois Cooper believes that schadenfreude is the spice of life. &amp;quot;Who doesn&amp;#039;t feel that little spark when one&amp;#039;s rivals get taken down a peg?&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Who didn&amp;#039;t love it when the Ritchies split up? Isn&amp;#039;t Madonna every over-35-woman&amp;#039;s frenemy? She&amp;#039;s in better shape, I admit.&amp;quot; As comedienne and comedy writer Justin Rogan kids, &amp;quot;There&amp;#039;s nothing more thrilling than a frenemy with a weight problem. You&amp;#039;ve hit pay dirt!&amp;quot;  Look at Gwyneth Paltrow, who in her online Goop newsletter very publicly wrote about her rush when she learned her frenemy (&amp;quot;hell-bent&amp;quot; on taking her down) suffered. &amp;quot;My reaction was deep relief and...happiness,&amp;quot; admitted Paltrow. (Many speculate that she was referring to Winona Ryder, found guilty of stealing more than $5,500 worth of merchandise from Saks Fifth Avenue in 2001.) &amp;quot;So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don&amp;#039;t like? Or someone you do like? Or someone you don&amp;#039;t know?&amp;quot; Wagner believes that venting about a particularly evil friend certainly feels good. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m not sure if it&amp;#039;s `good&amp;#039; in the same way that doing charity work or recycling is good,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;But airing your grievances can be cathartic and a great way to get your insecurities out in the open.&amp;quot;   But can such complex relationships foster a true and authentic bond? Alessandra Knight swears that her frenemy-ship inspires a certain closeness that she might not otherwise have. &amp;quot;What keeps it going are these experiences and competitions we share,&amp;quot; she says. About two years after they met, they found each other in constant competition, especially when it came to cross-country running, swimming, tennis, the SATs, and applying to college. &amp;quot;It seems like a race, but when the race is over, we are standing by each other giving high-fives and hugging,&amp;quot; says Knight. &amp;quot;Even with constant competition, we are always there for each other in the difficult times.&amp;quot; Yet some experts say there&amp;#039;s nothing to be gained from a frenemy-ship &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s toxic. It&amp;#039;s destructive. But for some people, it&amp;#039;s all they know, and they can&amp;#039;t walk away,&amp;quot; says Anne-Ren\u00E9e Testa, PhD, a psychologist and author of The Bully in Your Relationship. &amp;quot;Friends are supposed to be kind and nurture each other\u2014they see possibility for you and reinforce your positivity.&amp;quot; If anything, a frenemy can teach you how to appreciate and detect real friendships. And maybe that&amp;#039;s not such a bad thing. &amp;quot;They can be useful when your experiences with them makes you appreciate your true friends even more,&amp;quot; says Bella DePaulo, PhD, a social scientist and author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. Frenemies can also help determine what DePaulo calls &amp;quot;your friend-tolerance.&amp;quot; They inspire you to weigh how much can you get from a person and if their redeeming qualities are worth the frustration and annoyance. &amp;quot;From frenemies, you can also learn to think harder about what kind of a friend you want to be,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;If you have frenemies just long enough to learn how to be a better friend to true friends, then you will get the last laugh at the underminer, user, player, or backstabber.&amp;quot; Take the case of Valerie Freeman. Throughout high school, college, and into her twenties, her life was fraught with frenemies. &amp;quot;Having toxic people in my life gave me familiar drama, similar to what I had with my family,&amp;quot; says Freeman. &amp;quot;It kept me busy so I didn&amp;#039;t have to deal with my own life and risk not having friends.&amp;quot; However negative, she felt a certain comfort in the complicated history her frenemies shared. Even thinking about ending the relationships filled her with guilt. But everything changed when she befriended someone who was utterly supportive, encouraging, and kind and longed to help her move forward. &amp;quot;I didn&amp;#039;t know it was supposed to be like that but realized that this friendship was within my realm. It didn&amp;#039;t have to be so hard,&amp;quot; recalls Freeman. The other day she had a birthday and found herself surrounded with five great people in her life. &amp;quot;They were they were cool, kind, and very good people. I remember thinking I&amp;#039;ve come very far in my friendships.&amp;quot; Despite what anyone might say, decades later, Marybeth Jacoby and &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; remain close. Only now their competition has advanced to new cars, homes, and trips. &amp;quot;We&amp;#039;re not exactly like any of the women on the Real Housewives series, but we always have and always will have that `I want to do better&amp;#039; attitude,&amp;quot; she says. Even if they haven&amp;#039;t spoken for months, she cherishes that one of them can pick up the phone and two hours later they&amp;#039;ll still be talking. &amp;quot;Sometimes I don&amp;#039;t love her because she has the house, the husband\u2014my old boyfriend\u2014and the two boys,&amp;quot; says Jacoby. &amp;quot;But, thinking back, my friend made me a stronger woman. Trying to always inch each other out made me understand that I won&amp;#039;t always win, but I may die trying. And a true frenemy will always be there...even if she thinks she&amp;#039;s beating you in the game of life.&amp;quot; "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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