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" To be honest, I find most extended pubic-hair ruminations tedious. Even psychosocial ones. But if I were to briefly put on my Camille Paglia hat, which is from a truck stop, I would say something about the current hair lacuna stemming directly from the cult of the Dionysian bitch-priestess. Yes, I would, and then I would bring up Madonna. But I&amp;#039;ve misplaced that hat, so I&amp;#039;ll simply say the new bareness is a trend instigated by porn and exploited by the media, because when those two get together, anything can happen. No one suffers much from an absence of pubic hair; its evolutionary function is thought to be as a buffer for intercourse. No one paid it much mind until a few years ago, when a roving band of waxers from Brazil came here and started taking all of our country&amp;#039;s pubic hair. And now it&amp;#039;s just out of control. &amp;quot;We never thought this would go anywhere,&amp;quot; says Jonice Padilha, co-owner of J. Sisters in New York, the salon that introduced the Brazilian wax to the U.S. in 1994. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s so extreme now. Every hair!&amp;quot; But she shouldn&amp;#039;t feel so bad. Women have been depicted without pubic hair in art, or as it&amp;#039;s now called, &amp;quot;TMZ.com,&amp;quot; for centuries. My only concern is that we as a culture have now come full triangle and are henceforth condemned to repeat most of recorded history: the Crusades, the industrial age, the Holocaust, the atomic age, every episode of Barney Miller, right up to John Mark Karr. It would be a lot of work, and I don&amp;#039;t know if we&amp;#039;re up to it. My wife tells me that she&amp;#039;s in control of her orgasms and that sometimes she just can&amp;#039;t make it happen. Is she lying to me, or do emotions really have that much influence on orgasms? Of course she&amp;#039;s lying. I don&amp;#039;t know why she would say something so foolish as that. I have no idea what she&amp;#039;s talking about, and neither do the rest of us, do we, girls? She must not be thinking straight, your wife. Men give the orgasms. But don&amp;#039;t just take my word for it. Listen to recently retired professional prostitute, amateur nun, and Time magazine&amp;#039;s Person of the Year 2006, Sunset Thomas: &amp;quot;The mere thought of your man reaching the brink should be motivation. I visualize that cock getting ready to spew its salty contents in my fun furnace. I try to match his rhythm. I grind harder.&amp;quot; God, I respect her. Of course, we can get a little distracted at times. According to Michael DeMarco, clinical sexologist of mytherapist.info, &amp;quot;Any extra anxiety gets the adrenaline pumping, which takes blood flow away from the pelvic region&amp;quot; and interferes with an otherwise effortless orgasm. It can be any little stressor at all: work, kids, money, sudoku, genocide, dust (if she&amp;#039;s anything like me). So, are we done talking about this? Your wife can expect a visit from one of our representatives. I am a college student who is having a long-distance relationship with a girl. We sometimes tell each other little scenarios over the phone. I have found it difficult to come up with names for our anatomy without sounding vulgar or turning us both off. Do you have any suggestions? This is a crucial time in your development. You are at risk of falling victim to well-meaning advice workers who will tell you to have an open, honest discussion and use whatever words you two are comfortable with. But if you ever want to be taken seriously, these are the sex words you must use: pussy, ass, cock, and tits. I don&amp;#039;t care for it, either, but this is how it is. Here&amp;#039;s an easy and fun way to remember them: &amp;quot;Please Answer Cautiously, Tex,&amp;quot; which casts you in the role of Charles Manson follower Tex Watson&amp;#039;s lawyer. It&amp;#039;s kind of edgy and has a nice counterculture feel to it. But if that&amp;#039;s not your style, here&amp;#039;s another way: pussy, ass, cock, and tits. It sounds jarring to your ear right now, but one day you&amp;#039;ll thank me for saving you from a lifetime of lonely afternoons with your Lionel trains. Why is it that when I kiss my lady&amp;#039;s nipple, all of a sudden I get garlic breath? We humans are artisans whose bodies lovingly craft our own lines of revolting condiments. Certain glands, in shadowy places that I won&amp;#039;t name, secrete fat instead of sweat. The ones around the areola are called Montgomery&amp;#039;s glands, after British general Bernard Montgomery, in keeping with his dying wish. When stimulated, these glands release this fatty lubricant, which may also conduct the stubborn, odorous compounds present in certain foods, and Calvin Klein&amp;#039;s Obsession. Your girlfriend&amp;#039;s eating habits cause her to pass a garlic-infused oil, the thought of which is not only nauseating to everyone reading but hardly imaginative from a culinary standpoint. Why not force-feed her some fresh herbs for variety? Black or white truffles also marry nicely with oils, if you can afford them. I&amp;#039;m sure with a little experimentation, you two can find lots of new flavors to amuse your taste buds. Bon appetit! Oh, and please do not contact me again. Got a sex question of your own? Send it to us via esquire.com/talk. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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