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" Exhausted by work and kids, I was desperate for sleep \u2014 but every time I closed my eyes, I saw Elisa&amp;#039;s face. I&amp;#039;d e-mailed a group of friends about getting together, and she responded that she would love to see me when she &amp;quot;got back from surgery.&amp;quot; What surgery? Oh, just the hysterectomy I&amp;#039;d never heard about because I&amp;#039;d been so bad at keeping in touch. Now I felt guilty. Of course, that&amp;#039;s not unusual \u2014 I often stay up late fretting about something I&amp;#039;ve done wrong. My offense doesn&amp;#039;t have to be huge (no, I haven&amp;#039;t murdered anyone lately); I&amp;#039;m bothered by small things, like wriggling out of a baby shower, leaving wet laundry in the machine overnight, and being less of a friend than I&amp;#039;d like to be. If you&amp;#039;re nodding your head, you know exactly what I mean. Here&amp;#039;s the upside of feeling the way we do: Guilt acts as our inner watchdog, says Margaret Clark, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Yale University who studies guilt and close relationships. We have responsibilities to other people, and if we fail to perform as we should, we feel crummy. &amp;quot;In a healthy situation, guilt prompts us to correct our actions or express our regrets,&amp;quot; says Clark. But it&amp;#039;s possible to be too hard on yourself \u2014 and yes, the female sex is especially adept at this kind of self-sabotage. &amp;quot;Women are more focused on other people than men are,&amp;quot; says Vicki Helgeson, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Carnegie-Mellon University who studies gender. &amp;quot;We feel guilty if we do something that affects someone else, while men are more concerned with the impact others have on them.&amp;quot; Want to stop playing the self-blame game? Here&amp;#039;s how to handle those squirm-inducing situations in all the major aspects of your life. FRIEND GUILT Does this sound familiar? \u2022 Your husband dozed off at someone&amp;#039;s wedding. \u2022 You&amp;#039;re invited to two events on Saturday night \u2014 and there&amp;#039;s no way you can do both. \u2022 You&amp;#039;ve missed five turns at carpooling. \u2022 You ducked an acquaintance at the supermarket. \u2022 You made a stupid joke that offended someone. One woman&amp;#039;s experience: &amp;quot;I wrote \u2014 but never mailed \u2014 a thank-you note for the most beautiful baby present I&amp;#039;ve ever received,&amp;quot; says Jennifer, 38, a homemaker in Falls Church, Virginia. &amp;quot;It was a hand-knit sweater. The friend who made it lives overseas, so I didn&amp;#039;t know the correct postage, and with a newborn, I never had time to find out. The note is still stuck in the pages of my address book \u2014 and the &amp;#039;baby&amp;#039; is now four.&amp;quot; Advice: Apologize When you&amp;#039;ve simply missed the boat, there&amp;#039;s just one thing to do: Say you&amp;#039;re sorry. &amp;quot;Jennifer should mail the thank-you note now,&amp;quot; says Clark. &amp;quot;She&amp;#039;s saying, &amp;#039;I had too much responsibility and couldn&amp;#039;t do this.&amp;#039; That&amp;#039;s fine \u2014 but in recent years, it&amp;#039;s embarrassment that has stopped her from acting on the problem.&amp;quot; Popping the original thank-you into an envelope along with another note admitting that she&amp;#039;s been feeling bad about this for ages will not just alleviate Jennifer&amp;#039;s guilt \u2014 it&amp;#039;ll make the knitter understand what happened and feel appreciated at last. KID GUILT Does this sound familiar? \u2022 The other moms made their kids&amp;#039; Halloween costumes \u2014 but yours are from the drugstore. \u2022 You plopped your youngest in front of a video so you could answer some e-mail. \u2022 You talked your daughter into a short haircut, and now she&amp;#039;s getting teased for looking like a boy. \u2022 Your family is moving, so your teenager has to leave his old friends. \u2022 You made PB&amp;amp;amp;J for lunch \u2014 again.  One woman&amp;#039;s experience: Roz, 45, a freelance writer in Lake Oswego, Oregon, thinks they implant a guilt chip in every woman when she gives birth: &amp;quot;Today, I told my kids I will have to miss their sports-awards ceremony because of work. Their dad will go, but they&amp;#039;re still upset I won&amp;#039;t be there. I&amp;#039;m sorry, too, but if I don&amp;#039;t finish my work, I can&amp;#039;t buy them the fancy sneakers they like \u2014 and that would make me feel guilty too!&amp;quot; Advice: Prioritize Face it: The perfect, June Cleaveresque mother who can fulfill her children&amp;#039;s every need does not exist. So when you&amp;#039;re feeling like the worst parent in the world, sit down and think about what&amp;#039;s most important for you and your family. If Roz&amp;#039;s priority is to make money to help pay the bills, that needs to take precedence over attending every single event. Once you&amp;#039;ve made your choices, stand by them, even when it&amp;#039;s difficult. &amp;quot;You know you&amp;#039;re doing the right thing in the long run,&amp;quot; says Clark. &amp;quot;If you still feel bad, let your child see how much you wish it could be different. That will signal how much you care.&amp;quot; FAMILY GUILT Does this sound familiar? \u2022 A new job means moving your kids away from their grandparents. \u2022 You get only four tickets for your son&amp;#039;s confirmation \u2014 and everyone wants in. \u2022 You snapped at your husband when he was only trying to help. \u2022 You have to ask for a loan, and it&amp;#039;s not like your parents are millionaires. \u2022 You secretly think your little niece is a total brat. One woman&amp;#039;s experience: &amp;quot;My mom and my mother-in-law have me in a guilt trap,&amp;quot; says Hettie, 35, of Chicago. &amp;quot;My dad died a year ago, so we visit my mother often. Meantime, my mother-in-law is jealous that she&amp;#039;s not getting as much attention. And my husband travels so much for work that I hate asking him to take more trips on weekends. I try to do right by everyone, but it&amp;#039;s hard!&amp;quot; Advice: Compromise &amp;quot;You can let everyone have turns \u2014 his family gets one visit, your family gets the next \u2014 but that leaves out your own needs,&amp;quot; says Clark. &amp;quot;What if you just want to stay home?&amp;quot; So try for a compromise. &amp;quot;Think about other ways to keep in touch: cards, e-mails, phone calls, Internet video,&amp;quot; says June Tangney, Ph.D., a psychologist and researcher at George Mason University who studies guilt, shame, and empathy. &amp;quot;And you know all that artwork the kids bring home from school? Send some of that along \u2014 then you&amp;#039;ll also feel less guilty about not being able to keep every bit of it.&amp;quot; EVERYTHING GUILT Does this sound familiar? \u2022 Instead of finishing the report at work, you sat there surfing the Web. \u2022 You hardly ever take time to dress up for your husband. \u2022 You ate a box of cookies before bed. \u2022 You&amp;#039;d rather read a romance novel than the newspaper. \u2022 Your dog is fat because you don&amp;#039;t walk him \u2014 you just let him out in the yard. One woman&amp;#039;s experience: &amp;quot;I just never seem to live up to my own expectations,&amp;quot; says Celeste, 30, of Los Angeles. &amp;quot;My husband and I recently moved to a new city, and I feel guilty that I haven&amp;#039;t made more friends. My income would be bigger if I didn&amp;#039;t work from home. I&amp;#039;m pregnant, but I&amp;#039;d rather eat falafel than whole grains. And with all the landfills bursting with plastic, why can&amp;#039;t I ever remember to bring canvas bags to the grocery store?&amp;quot; Advice: Be specific &amp;quot;Hoo boy, she sounds overwhelmed,&amp;quot; says Tangney, whose first recommendation in this kind of situation is to set goals that are specific and concrete. &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t say &amp;#039;I have to find loads of new friends so my husband isn&amp;#039;t lonely&amp;#039; \u2014 just say &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;ll try to make plans twice a month.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Another good goal: limiting negative self-talk, which can really undermine your ability to act effectively. &amp;quot;A little cognitive restructuring \u2014 changing the messages in your head \u2014 can allow you to be your own cheerleader,&amp;quot; says Dale Atkins, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York City. By changing &amp;quot;I did three things wrong today&amp;quot; to &amp;quot;I did three other things right today,&amp;quot; you&amp;#039;ll build up your emotional shoreline against the erosion caused by guilt. And you&amp;#039;ll finally get the good night&amp;#039;s sleep you so deserve. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/advice/a16245/letting-go-guilt-oct06/?src=shelter_footer>