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" \nI&amp;#039;m officially funny, and I make a lot of money. At a cocktail party, I&amp;#039;d never blurt this out in the first sentence. (I usually wait at least 30 seconds.) But the reason I come out with it early on? Because that&amp;#039;s my cleavage. Like you outside a popular nightclub, I use it to cut the line. And in the competitive dating world, we all need to use whatever we&amp;#039;ve got. In the past year, I&amp;#039;ve gone out with roughly 100 women: actresses, models, doctors, lawyers, psychologists, designers, stay-at-home MILFs \u2014 you name it. I&amp;#039;m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am persistent. What I&amp;#039;ve realized is that some women do certain universal things on first dates that have me cringing, while others are able to turn an awkward first meeting into something intriguing. And given my vast dating experience, it would be downright criminal for me not to share what I&amp;#039;ve observed. Engage His Senses Most men out there are genuinely looking for love. We&amp;#039;re just not very good at finding it, and sometimes, we need a hand \u2014 literally. I love when a woman touches my arm on a first date. It feels so good \u2014 it&amp;#039;s like a boundary gets broken, a wall gets knocked down, and suddenly, it&amp;#039;s less uncomfortable; we&amp;#039;re friends. (There&amp;#039;s a statistic that waitresses get at least a 22 percent higher tip when they physically touch the customer as they hand them the bill. I have no doubt it&amp;#039;s true.) Marissa,* a kindergarten teacher, was that way. When I sat beside her at a bar, she touched my knee while she told stories. I remember instantly letting my guard down. So lean in, and break that boundary. Remember why we&amp;#039;re attracted to you: Not just for sex, but because you look, sound, feel, and smell a million times better than we do. When you add touch, you have our senses working overtime. We want to smell your hair, your lotion, your perfume, and your breath. Well, except for Diana&amp;#039;s. Diana was a 5-foot-9, drop-dead-gorgeous musician. Smart as a whip. I tried hard to ignore the fact that when we kissed, I almost fainted. She had the worst breath I&amp;#039;ve ever encountered. It was like an open sewer lid; you could almost hear bubbling acid in her stomach and the Joker screaming. When we sat on my couch watching a DVD, I found myself sitting 3 feet away from her. I closed my eyes as we kissed and had visions of her sitting in a dentist&amp;#039;s chair, surrounded by a team of doctors in full Haz-Mat suits, shaking their heads sadly and calling in the air strike. I don&amp;#039;t know if there&amp;#039;s a cure for chronic halitosis, but for me, it was never calling Diana again. *Names have been changed.  Open Up Your Heart...and Your Purse I always pay for the first date. I&amp;#039;m a man, and I&amp;#039;m pretty comfortable with traditional roles. But I really do appreciate it whenever a woman offers to split the check. I never let her, but it&amp;#039;s a nice gesture, and it lets me feel chivalrous and generous. Ina was a beautiful Russian woman. I took her scuba diving, and we had a great time \u2014 she actually hugged me underwater. Very romantic. On the boat ride home, I told her she just had to join me for a postdive victory beer. She smiled and said in the sexiest Russian Bond-girl accent, &amp;quot;Yes! And I&amp;#039;m buying!&amp;quot; I was in love. Elaina was a different experience. She was a sales rep I took to dinner. She announced she didn&amp;#039;t need to bring her purse \u2014 the assumption being that dinner was on me. This rattled me. I think dating is a mutual interest event and women should at some point attempt to ante up. So thrill your date by opening your purse and asking if he&amp;#039;d like to split the check. Most guys will wave you off. Make Him Wait Don&amp;#039;t get me wrong: I like sex as much as anyone does. And as a man, I&amp;#039;ve made a solemn oath to my penis to try my best to get him laid. (He doesn&amp;#039;t get out much.) But if you were my friend, I&amp;#039;d warn you: Don&amp;#039;t sleep with a guy on the first date. It tells him you&amp;#039;re not top-shelf. And we want top-shelf. You know that old saying from Mom, &amp;quot;Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?&amp;quot; That&amp;#039;s not it at all. That old line implies that sex is something he wants more than you do. And we know that&amp;#039;s not true \u2014 you want it just as bad as he does. But don&amp;#039;t. Not on a first date. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we beg, no matter how good it feels having us kiss your neck so we can slowly gain yardage. Because if you do, all you&amp;#039;re telling us is that this is what you did last Friday night with some other stranger. This is just my opinion, but I think that if you sleep with a guy on the first night, you forfeit your chance at a great relationship because you will have confused him. He will have no idea whether or not he likes you. He&amp;#039;ll freak out a little the next day and feel pressured to call. And he might call you...to have sex with you again. But he won&amp;#039;t treat you like gold. Because you will have robbed him \u2014 both of you, actually \u2014 of the opportunity to decide, with a clear head, if you actually like each other. In other words, ladies, keep it in our pants for a little while. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a2864/first-date-tips-from-a-comedian/?click=rel>