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" I have no idea where you, the loyal Esquire reader, happen to stand on the issue of stem-cell research. It&amp;#039;s a complex, multifaceted debate, and there are two distinct camps: progressive intellectuals (who tend to favor stem-cell research) and backward-thinking, antiscience, troglodytic imbeciles (who tend to be against it). Both arguments are valid. However, I&amp;#039;ve noticed an emerging social trend that helps clarify the murky ethics surrounding the acceleration of biomedical research, and it solidifies my belief that this acceleration is something we must nurture. We need to pursue stem-cell research for the benefit of all humankind, lest we risk being destroyed (or possibly enslaved) by the Super People.  Right now, in Germany, there is a five-year-old boy who has twice the muscle mass of a normal kid his age. He can hold seven-pound weights in each hand with his arms fully extended, which is not something Blue&amp;#039;s Clues viewers are supposed to be able to do, and he has hamstrings that would have made Earl Campbell jealous in 1979. Apparently, the boy&amp;#039;s insane muscle mass is due to a genetic mutation that runs in his family. (According to the New England Journal of Medicine, his great-grandfather was a legendary construction worker and his mother was a world-class sprinter.) Regardless of how it happened, the kid is going to be an unstoppable force. Authorities have not released his name, probably because everyone is hoping he&amp;#039;ll eventually become a masked crime fighter. Yet\u2014amazingly\u2014this little German juggernaut is only the second most impressive minor in the Eastern Hemisphere. In Russia, there is a sixteen-year-old girl who allegedly has X-ray vision. Her name is Natalia Demkina, and scientists remain baffled as to why she can see through walls. Not surprisingly, she has no idea how the fuck this happened and doesn&amp;#039;t appreciate that her vodka-soaked doctors are equally clueless. &amp;quot;I am worried now that they might be hiding something from me about why I can see through objects,&amp;quot; Demkina told Izvestia. &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t know how it works, but I can see through things.&amp;quot; If this information is even semitrue, it has to be the top news story of the year, even if Axl Rose really does decide to release Chinese Democracy in November. Now, I know what you&amp;#039;re probably thinking: &amp;quot;In fifteen years, will the superstrong German boy be allowed to date the female X-ray machine?&amp;quot; Well, possibly. But here is the more pressing issue: Why is the world suddenly saturated with Super People? Where are they coming from? I don&amp;#039;t know about you, but I know I don&amp;#039;t want to live in a world where I might be pummeled by a five-year-old whose dad probably listens to the Scorpions. I also don&amp;#039;t want some Russian teenager staring at my chest and telling me I have lung cancer. So how do we combat the changing face of our planet? How do the Lesser People compete with the Super People? The answer is stem-cell research.   Let&amp;#039;s not delude ourselves: The Super People of today are not like us. (And that difference will only be accentuated by the Super People of tomorrow.) They mature faster, and they live longer. According to volume 82, number 10 of The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology &amp;amp;amp; Metabolism, girls are menstruating at younger and younger ages; according to some dude I know who works for Slam magazine, eighteen-year-old Dwight Howard is more ready for the NBA than twenty-two-year-old Emeka Okafor. These two facts are indisputable, and they prove my point in totality. We are unconsciously creating a Brave New World. If the human potential of every citizen were placed on a line graph, these Super People would be the spikes that obliterate the mean\u2014and this is where the danger lies. This inequality is making Lesser People lose their minds. Do you work sixteen-hour days while simultaneously training for triathlons? Are you twenty-seven years old and taking Viagra simply so that you will blow the mind of a woman who (most likely) already thinks you&amp;#039;re pretty okay? Do you recreationally consume the antisleep drug Provigil (designed for narcoleptics) so that you can sleep fifteen hours a week? Are you reading this column while running on a treadmill and fantasizing about blood doping at 5:05 A.M.? If so, why, exactly, are you doing this? Is it to compete with German superbabies and X-ray girls? Because it won&amp;#039;t work, baby.  The sad reality is that most of these hypermotivated Lesser People are improving only slightly; they&amp;#039;re not becoming full-on Super. Oh, they may live an additional few years, but most of that time will be spent in a retirement home with two broken hips and two hundred broken dreams. For 98 percent of the populace, attempts at self-improvement are destined to be nominal (and potentially annoying). However, that other 2 percent is exploding through the roof. They can see through brick walls. They have better post moves. We have no defense.  And this is why we need stem-cell research: We need to ensure that all American children born into this dystopia are genetically predisposed to the possession of at least one (1) superpower. The key is not to punish the Super People by making them Lesser, since that kind of policy would be socialistic; a better solution is to turn all humans into Super People. Instead of pulling the best 2 percent down, let&amp;#039;s move the other 98 percent up. This would be complicated (obviously), and it would likely be affordable only through socialized medicine (which I realize is more socialistic than the option I rejected two sentences ago), but I don&amp;#039;t see any other alternative.  Granted, I am not (technically) a doctor, so my understanding of stem-cell research is limited to what I&amp;#039;ve read on gawker.com. But in layman&amp;#039;s terms, stem cells are very basic cells that can be doctored in the lab and turned into &amp;quot;differentiated&amp;quot; cells with specific functions and unique properties. I would like to assume that these properties might include invisibility, bulletproof skin, immunity to static electricity, the ability to subsist solely on a diet of wood, self-cleaning hair, immortality, and an innate understanding of Jim Morrison&amp;#039;s music and poetry. These are qualities that could be randomly inserted into the DNA of every unborn American, eventually leveling the field between the organic Super People and the pathetic Lesser People. The simple truth is that we&amp;#039;re already cyborgs, more or less. Our mouths are filled with silver. Our nearsighted corneas are repaired with surgical lasers. Almost 40 percent of Americans now have prosthetic limbs. (This is an estimate.) We seem to have no qualms about making postbirth improvements to our feeble selves. Why are we so uncomfortable with prebirth improvement? Just because something isn&amp;#039;t natural doesn&amp;#039;t mean it isn&amp;#039;t good. Genetics are power, and power is freedom, and freedom is slavery, and slavery is fear. And never again shall we fear German superchildren or Russian freaks. Those days are over. Push the envelope. Roll the bones. If science is wrong, I don&amp;#039;t wanna be right. Chuck Klosterman is the author of many fine books, including Chuck Klosterman IV which is available at your local bookstore or online, at BarnesAndNoble.com. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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