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" Do they still turn horses into glue? Answer Fella is reminded of a snatch of lyrics from the song &amp;quot;Eat Your Paste&amp;quot; on Leonard Cohen&amp;#039;s little-known kiddie album, Death of a Preschool Teacher: &amp;quot;Trigger, Silver, Mister Ed!/All dead. All dead!/Life&amp;#039;s a waste!/Eat your paste.&amp;quot; Artistic license aside, however, nearly all the mucilage products now in everyday use are made entirely from synthetic materials. Elmer&amp;#039;s glue, for example -- this is straight from Brian Rumschlag, consumer-response analyst at Elmer&amp;#039;s -- is a &amp;quot;polyvinyl-acetate resin emulsion. These chemicals were originally obtained or manufactured from petroleum, natural gas, and other raw materials found in nature.&amp;quot; Specialty glues made from animals -- cows, pigs, rabbits, and Leonard Cohen&amp;#039;s hideous progeny -- are still produced and in use for such things as bookbinding and woodworking. AF hastens to note that these animals are already deceased when they arrive at the rendering plants (except for the Cohens, who are only dead drunk), where the parts containing collagen -- the skin, connective tissue, and bones -- are heated in large tanks; the resulting stew is thinned, bottled, and sold, often under the name ouzo.  Is a citizen&amp;#039;s arrest really legal? Can I do it? Go ahead, Little Joe, make AF&amp;#039;s day. The law&amp;#039;s on your side -- not only the medieval Anglo-Saxon tradition of &amp;quot;posse comitatus,&amp;quot; plus the public, natural, and moral duty to defend yourself and others from harm, but also the here-and-now legally kosher say-so to go collar a miscreant. Don&amp;#039;t need a warrant, don&amp;#039;t need no steenking bahdges: All you need are big cojones and a thorough knowledge of your jurisdiction&amp;#039;s penal code. Otherwise, you&amp;#039;re risking far more than bodily harm; you could wind up on the ugly end of a lawsuit or with your very own criminal charges.  Kentucky law, for instance, requires that a witness to a felony try to prevent it, but Utah forbids using deadly force during a citizen&amp;#039;s arrest. In Tennessee, you can make a pinch based on reasonable cause even if it turns out that your reasonable cause was unsupported by the facts, but in Massachusetts you may be sued for false arrest. A law recently enacted in California allows you to arrest any driver for not using a cell phone while on the 405 -- but only if you have a heavy Austrian accent and are married to an anorexic heiress. Okay, that last one&amp;#039;s a joke. But the point is serious: If it&amp;#039;s not one of those exceedingly rare cinematic-yet-real situations in which all that stands between doom and daylight is you, just call the real cops. Give them all the information you have, sign a complaint, and show up in court to bear witness against the accused. Sober. I have to give a best-man speech, and I&amp;#039;m freaking out. What do I say? And how crass can I get? Crass? Crass? You&amp;#039;re reading Esquire, pissant, the finest magazine in America, beloved of men who are men&amp;#039;s men and ladies&amp;#039; men both, men who walk manhood&amp;#039;s walk without undue boast or plaint. So either buck the fuck up or toddle back to the newsstand and console yourself with one of those lad rags sold to mouth-breathing boys who someday may grow into men but likely won&amp;#039;t. Feeling better, best man? Good. You&amp;#039;ve got a big, important task ahead. Here are three simple, basic guidelines: 1. No profanity. Zero. Small children and old ladies are present. 2. Do not shame the bride in an attempt to mock the groom. This is the biggest public day of his betrothed&amp;#039;s life; this isn&amp;#039;t the time or place to discuss -- nor even allude to -- what a poor or splendid cocksman your chum may once have been. Nothing&amp;#039;s funny about a turd in the punch bowl when you are the turd. 3. Keep it short -- five minutes, max. Yes, your job is to make folks laugh -- and to make them feel warmed, too. Talk about your friend and your friendship; use an anecdote -- one anecdote, preferably brief -- to illustrate what a jackass he has been and how very lucky he has turned out to be. Say something nice about the bride. Better yet, say it to her as you speak. You will seem like a gent -- and, even better, a mensch -- for doing so.  Conclude by toasting the newlyweds -- something sweet and sincere and sunny. Do not mention the fact that the loving couple have, in all likelihood, just made a tragic mistake.  So if every player on every team that wins the Stanley Cup has his name engraved on it, when will they run out of room? Jamais, eh? Never. Stop scratching your head, hoser. They run out of room every 13 seasons, so they remove one of the wide silver rings that form the Cup&amp;#039;s barrel-shaped base -- the fifth ring from the bottom, to be precise -- slide up the other four, and add a blank, brand-new ring at the bottom. The &amp;quot;retired&amp;quot; ring is dispatched to the Hockey Hall of Fame, where it is stored in a vault alongside Gordie Howe&amp;#039;s front teeth. Got a question? Send it to Answer Fella via esquire.com/talk. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/advice/a357/esq1004-oct-afella/>