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"Yet another final rose has been distributed, and yet another After the Final Rose has crawled on by, and yet another 180 minutes of our lives have passed, never to be recovered. Oh, I got too dark there. Here--let&amp;#x27;s all look at the ring to cheer ourselves! Better? Balanced? Great. Now: Lots of people I don&amp;#x27;t know, will you accept these final awards? Best vow of silence: Sean&amp;#x27;s brother-in-law Don&amp;#x27;t ask me, bro. I&amp;#x27;m just here to demonstrate gorgeous skin tone and give you a time check once in a while. Best kick in the ovaries: Sean&amp;#x27;s niece This little girl might account singlehandedly for a Bachelor fan baby boom next year. The Hallmark award: Sean&amp;#x27;s dad Sean&amp;#x27;s dad is a human greeting card. The expensive kind. The kind that says what you could never say as eloquently. He even comes with a vibrant envelope, and by that, of course, I mean his hot-pink T-shirt. Which was kind of a weird choice for the only time you&amp;#x27;re ever going to be on national television, but who am I to argue with this goateed poet? Saddest woman in Thailand award: Sean&amp;#x27;s mom It all hit Sean&amp;#x27;s mom at once: the jet lag, the cameras, the fact that once again Mr. Hot Pink V-Neck gets to be the good guy while I have to point out how @!$#ed up this all is. And after weeks of sorting through thousands of pairs of white capris to find the perfect ones, I&amp;#x27;m going to ruin it all by crying on television. Meanwhile my SON just mills around barefoot. Barefoot in Asia, who is he kidding? The boy ate only chicken nuggets till he was 25! Worst seat in the house award: Thai boatsmen Best thinking top: This This was the toughest decision of Sean&amp;#x27;s life, so he had NO time to consider wardrobe, which is how he ended up in a baby-blue beater that looks exactly like the Hang Ten one I had in seventh grade, minus the lil&amp;#x27; feet. The &amp;quot;expectations, met&amp;quot; award: The balcony Do you think it&amp;#x27;s fun to be the production assistant who gets to wake up in the middle of the night to call Thailand resorts and make ABSOLUTELY SURE they have a suite with a balcony? We all know a man can only decide who to spend his life with while bent over a railing at a worried 45-degree angle. The &amp;quot;expectations, EXCEEDED&amp;quot; award: The MINI-balcony Just when you thought it was safe to...think we were done with the balcony stuff, Sean slides open some pocket doors and, BAM, it&amp;#x27;s a teeny balcony, perfect for teeny second thoughts! Give that PA a promotion. Best Person Ever: Lindsay After watching Lindsay totter over Heels&amp;#x27; Hell Bridge--only to get to listen to a snot-soaked Sean reiterate what a tough moment this was for him--she literally stole the instinct right out of our heads and hearts and tore off her bedazzled stilettos. I want this to now be a thing in life--like, as soon as you&amp;#x27;re done with the self-centered drone at the bar, or the long line at the post office, or the interminable status meeting, you just take off your shoes and you&amp;#x27;re OUT. The &amp;quot;why? Just--why?&amp;quot; award: Three hours Three hours. I mean, was that really necessary? Especially when the friggin&amp;#x27; letter you&amp;#x27;ve been waving at us for weeks turns out to be nothing but a lame-o little love note? Note to Chris Harrison: We don&amp;#x27;t need to check in with strangers for their hopes and dreams as we watch a taped show. That would be like if whenever we watched a movie, we stopped the DVD every 15 minutes to take the room&amp;#x27;s temperature. Just let it unfold. The terrifying on a universal, existential plane award: The live audience Do people just check their human dignity at the door in this studio or what? Why are you how-highing to Chris&amp;#x27; every jump? How did he train you to demand Sean disrobe on sight? Why, suddenly, is the default response to screaming more, louder screaming? SHEEP. Except for this guy, whom I love, and whom could be observed mouthing, after the proposal, &amp;quot;I&amp;#x27;m so happy.&amp;quot; The just a little too nice award: Sean, to Lindsay, during After the Final Rose Sean&amp;#x27;s words of comfort to Lindsay include phrases like &amp;quot;I light up when I think of you.&amp;quot; Pump the brakes. Let&amp;#x27;s hope someone distracted Catherine with a chandelier or a puppet while he delivered that little gem. The &amp;quot;don&amp;#x27;t drag me into this&amp;quot; award: God While answering to Lindsay, Sean gave the Almighty a shout-out: &amp;quot;At certain points, God reveals things on His own time.&amp;quot; God was like, &amp;quot;Oh-em-ME, did he really just?&amp;quot; St. Peter&amp;#x27;s like, &amp;quot;See, this is why you should get on Twitter. You could respond to him in real time.&amp;quot; God&amp;#x27;s like, &amp;quot;Nah, I&amp;#x27;ll just make sure it rains on his TV-wedding day. Maybe even hails, if he really does this Dancing With the Stars thing. Christ, what a tool.&amp;quot; (Christ&amp;#x27;s like, &amp;quot;Word.&amp;quot;) Did I tell you guys that God and saints were gonna be at my viewing party? They stopped by on their way to Conclave-palooza. Anyway, that&amp;#x27;s a wrap on probably the least controversial Bachelor ever. What do you guys think of Des as The Bachelorette? I think she betta step it up because we need some entertainment after this season, which felt slower than wading through chowder. Right? Photo: ABC"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/03/the-bachelor-finale-recap>