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"FacebookPinterest\n\nPaul Ryan's new budget has passed the House, but now, as it languishes in the Senate, it faces \"surprise\" campaign-trail opposition from Republicans. At a stumping event for GOP presidential hopefuls, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, and Mike Huckabee all refused to endorse the plan, with its deep cuts to entitlement spending. In Huckabee's words, the plan is pretty much only  \"for Paul Ryan.\" But has Huck seen the enterprising fine print?!\n\n\n\nFOOD STAMP INNOVATIONS\n\n Expired food stamps can now be brought to local sites to be shredded. The shredded food stamps make great insulation for a home, or if you don't have one of those, they can fill a sleeping bag for added warmth. This is not an excuse to litter, however. We can't have confetti everywhere. People see confetti and they just want to party.\n\nAre there food stamps with adhesive on the back? Most of us have never been close enough to them to know. If there are, those could be licked or wettened (no need to tell us how) and used to reinforce the seams of mobile cardboard dwelling structures.*\n\n *Question: where did you get the cardboard in the first place? You stole it, right? I wish you'd use that guile and cunning somewhere else, like in tricking yourself into not having sex or getting high.\n\n\n\nALTERNATIVES TO FOOD STAMPS\n\n Only the truly lazy would complain there's not much to eat without food subsidies. Ever heard of freegan-ing or foraging? Those are food-gathering behaviors that have experienced a hipster renaissance in recent years and they're not about begging. They're about gathering discarded foods that more established and productive members of our society are done with, or just utilizing the woods and shorelines for something to eat other than fries and licorice.\n\nNow, I can't promise that The Selby will be out there with you documenting your finds, but I do know that you'll be able to sleep better at night, knowing you\n\n &amp;amp;#xC2; took control of your hunger.\n\n\n\nSAD ABOUT AMTRAK? MAYBE YOU'RE JUST SAD ABOUT YOURSELF \n\n Walking isn't crowded. The raw-bone, rough-hewn American doesn't need to lean back and contemplate life as a train clacks along. You'll get a lot more solutions if you have to use your noodle and people aren't giving you rides everywhere.\n\n\n\nPELL GRANTS AND FINANCIAL AID\n\n Want a college scholarship? Who doesn't? Why not work for free for Amtrak and take classes during your break? Spend four years on the University of the Vermonter line, cleaning toilets and serving warm Heinekens, and maybe you won't be so eager to get down to Daytona and snap nude selfies under the influence of narcotics.\n\n\n\nFREE HEALTHCARE\n\n Most diseases can be traced back to a lack of Vitamin D. The thing is, you don't need food to get Vitamin D. Go get a damn suntan. Point your face right at the sun for hours. That costs nothing and and you'll look better, too. Might even get a date.\n\n\n\nADAPTING TO CHANGES IN MEDICAID\n\n For less agile seniors, the truth is that life cannot go on forever.&amp;amp;#xC2; Your meds are costing us a fortune. Enter a little initiative we're calling Medicine Mountain. Your necessary pills are hidden here, somewhere in these foothills--and people will pay to see if you identify and eat the right one. If not, you might die immediately. Self-sufficiency can be entertaining and drive revenue.\n\nMeanwhile, Medicare will now kick in at 71. That's when you sign up. You'll probably get it at 73. If you're retired (if you are, I have to ask you, why?) and without healthcare, there are productive things you can do in the meantime.\n\n Libraries are free. Read some books, diagnose yourself. It's a cop-out to think everything has to be looked at by a doctor.\n\n Hang out near bars. Be the funny old guy/gal. Get an old sailor hat at a thrift store. You're the \"Captain.\" They'll give you old bottles and cans to recycle. That will pay for your gout.\n\n Act more religious. Churches love to help losers. \"That's Dave. He's new to our flock. Thinks he has strep.\"\n\n Chest pains? In your 60s? It might be too late for you. Seriously. You had a good run. Just start getting extra mayo on stuff and go out in a blaze of glory.\n\n\n\nFEDERAL PENSION ALTERNATIVES\n\n Federal employees won't need pensions when they all join us at our new Retiree Reserve in Wyoming, known as The Yard. Everything is free, provided you can still rake (purchase your own gloves) and shear buffalo hair. During the evenings and your morning off on Sundays, you can quietly reminisce with other Federal Seniors, until \"your number is called.\"\n\n\n\nAGING VETERANS' SUPPORT\n\n We also have a program for old vets. It's sort of like MLB fantasy training camps, except in this case you get to spend your pension on the opportunity to \"rewrite your own narrative\" as a modern-day soldier. So you were a big deal in Korea or Vietnam--or maybe you were Gomer Pyle. For $1,400 a month, join the OLD FORCE. Put an exclamation point on your life, correct some of those mistakes, maybe get some more kills under your belt."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/paul-ryan-budget-fine-print>