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"I somehow always feel this way the morning after a Bachelor/Bachelorette finale&amp;amp;#8212;like wait, maybe I actually dreamt that it went down that bizarre way. But it&amp;#x27;s never true. And last night, the whopping majority&amp;#x27;s fantasies of a Brooks resurgence evaporated faster than the bottom half of Desiree&amp;#x27;s remaining Antigua tops. Let&amp;#x27;s review. Best contract talk-around: Chris Harrison Des weeps, wipes her nose, reiterates that she was so in love with Brooks, weeps some more. Chris nods, smiles his terrifyingly white smile, and murmurs unwaveringly, &amp;quot;What I&amp;#x27;m hearing is that you want to go on.&amp;quot; Most physically improved: Chris and Drew These two got a tan, and I think it was the only thing that kept Des from calling it a day completely. For real. A for misguided effort: Drew Drew thought if he set his jaw tight and kept saying things like &amp;quot;I&amp;#x27;m not walking away from her&amp;amp;#8212;It&amp;#x27;s never gonna happen,&amp;quot; someone would have to give him a rose. Or a woman. Or whatever it is we&amp;#x27;re all here for. Favorite new beef: Brooks&amp;#x27; female relatives and this lady from the audience This lady thinks Brooks&amp;#x27; mom and sister blew it for B and D, and she is pissed. She&amp;#x27;s like YOU TWO RUINED IT ALL AND I&amp;#x27;M SHOULDERS SALLY AND I&amp;#x27;M A-COMIN FOR YA. The &amp;quot;That&amp;#x27;s Quite Enough of That&amp;quot; Award: &amp;quot;Are we?&amp;quot; You know, it doesn&amp;#x27;t matter whether they&amp;#x27;re slow-speed rollerblading or chugging wine in a gazebo, contestants are always doing this big, shocked &amp;#x27;n&amp;#x27; awed &amp;quot;Are we?&amp;quot; when they hear what their date activity is. I mean, Drew, Des just told you you&amp;#x27;re riding horses 500 feet down the beach. She didn&amp;#x27;t say you&amp;#x27;re having dinner with the Obamas. There&amp;#x27;s no need for incredulity. You made a fool out of yourself in front of this pretty horse. Saddest toast: Drew &amp;quot;To being madly in love!&amp;quot; And to being dumped literally before you even swallow the champagne! The &amp;quot;Ugh, who invited them?&amp;quot; Award: Sean and Catherine Oh, hey, great to see you guys. I really enjoyed hearing Sean declare that if Catherine left, he&amp;#x27;d have packed his bags (because what the !@#$ else is he going to say?). Classy move with poor runner-up Lindsey sitting right across the room. Most underrated Hartsock: Desiree&amp;#x27;s dad We talk a lot about how annoying and negative and prone to literally looking down his nose at people Desiree&amp;#x27;s brother is. But let&amp;#x27;s not be like him; let&amp;#x27;s be positive for a second. Des&amp;#x27; dad is the most well-meaning dumpling ever! Best unresolved mystery: Chris&amp;#x27; tux Pocket square or poem? I still don&amp;#x27;t know. The &amp;quot;Well, all right, I guess that was kinda cute&amp;quot; Award: the whole ending I will be frank: Personally, I still can&amp;#x27;t wrap my head around this switcheroo. But I have at least two friends who cried real tears. So perhaps I&amp;#x27;m in the minority? Worst at keepsake-gifting: God love him...Chris I don&amp;#x27;t want to rail on our winner&amp;amp;#8212;it&amp;#x27;s poor form. But real quick, remember how when he proposed, he actually said the phrase &amp;quot;when I gave you that journal with all my emotions and love in it?&amp;quot; It sounded like something straight out of Zoolander. Anyway, I&amp;#x27;m having flash-forwards to their kids torturing each other someday with the book of poems their father wrote their mother. At least until they discover the actual TV footage of them making out and can use that. Also&amp;amp;#8212;later, on After the Final Rose, Chris whipped out a new poem, framed. I&amp;#x27;m not talking a small frame. I&amp;#x27;m talking like 16-by-20. Let&amp;#x27;s hope that new apartment of theirs has lots of backs of closet doors that need decorating! Worst wish fulfillment: Brooks I wanted Brooks to come back. We all did. But not like this. Not at the special, dressed like an old-timey popcorn salesman. Gah. Biggest waste of our time: People asking when people knew Drew: &amp;quot;Could I have done anything differently?&amp;quot; Des, to Brooks: &amp;quot;When did you know?&amp;quot; Guys, IT DOESN&amp;#x27;T MATTER. And also, the answer to all of these questions, based on millions of years of human chemistry, is a) Nope! and b) I guess at whatever point I decided I wouldn&amp;#x27;t be that sad if we never went on a date again. Who cares whether it was at the volleyball game or the long, staged Disney ad for The Lone Ranger? (Incidentally, I think that private screening Des and Juan Pablo had represented 40 percent of the movie&amp;#x27;s box-office take. Ohhhhh!) And speaking of Juan Pablo... Best reason to keep tuning in: JUAN PABLO IS THE BACHELOR. JUAN PABLO IS THE BACHELOR. It&amp;#x27;s like ABC is a boyfriend who knew we were gonna be pissed when we got home last night and saw what color he painted the bedroom&amp;amp;#8212;so he decided to pick up a diamond necklace just in case. My finale irritation evaporated with each step Juan Pablo took on the beach. I don&amp;#x27;t even know who Des and Chris are anymore. Have a great day, everybody! So whadja think? Photo: ABC"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/08/the-bachelorette-finale>