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" 1. Why did Cinderella wear that tacky &amp;#039;90s choker with her ball gown?   You&amp;#039;d think she&amp;#039;d be like, &amp;quot;Hey, Fairy Godmother, I really appreciate this, but I was thinking something more like a Harry Winston diamond holly wreath? It&amp;#039;s just more my taste. Thanks sooo much, sweetheart.&amp;quot;  2. Glass slippers are kind of like ... clear stripper heels? Just saying:   3. Also, they&amp;#039;d be impossible to walk in \u2014 let alone run in. No way would Cinderella successfully be able to bolt out of the ballroom when she realizes it&amp;#039;s the stroke before midnight. It would be more like a 3-a.m.-drunk-girl-stiletto-hobble home from the club.   4. How do mermaids have sex? With other mermaids? My co-worker just looked up dolphin vaginas for this purpose, so now I know what that looks like, and so do you. You&amp;#039;re welcome.   5. They wear the same thing every day, presumably without access to deodorant. The cut convo between Grumpy and Doc: &amp;quot;Should we tell her? This is epic B.O. I don&amp;#039;t know what else to do.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Ugh, that&amp;#039;s awkward. Let&amp;#039;s just keep giving her flowers and maybe she&amp;#039;ll get the message.&amp;quot;   6. We&amp;#039;re supposed to think it&amp;#039;s romantic when Prince Eric falls in love with a woman who cannot speak or communicate in any other way. Sure, as Ursula points out, there&amp;#039;s ~*~*bOdY lAnGuAgE~*~*~, but it is terrifying to think that a handsome, stand-up guy like Eric would be willing to marry a woman whose most expressive ability is a high-five, just because she&amp;#039;s super-hot.   7. Our childhood crush on a cartoon lion voiced by Matthew Broderick is now confusing for a variety of reasons. Simba is so fine.   8. That creepy friar in Hunchback of Notre Dame had a disconcertingly #adult song about sinfully lusting after Esmerelda. You guys know what I&amp;#039;m talking about, right? He&amp;#039;s basically two seconds away from jerking off.   9. Jasmine had to be married off at 16 or whatever and couldn&amp;#039;t just be a queen in her own right. No wonder she spent all of Aladdin throwing so much side-eye.   10. It was weirder for Mulan to be a woman in the army than to have a fucking talking dragon spirit. You have a vagina and are good at sword fighting? NOT LOGICAL. You have a mystical &amp;quot;spirit guide&amp;quot; with Eddie Murphy&amp;#039;s voice? Totes normal.   11. They never have frizz. And let&amp;#039;s face it, the enchanted rainforest is very humid.   12. Disney princesses&amp;#039; makeup always remains perfect no matter what kind of scrapes they get into. Who was reapplying Snow White&amp;#039;s tinted moisturizer while she was sleeping in the glass coffin? Was it the Prince? It&amp;#039;s odd that he would be a professional makeup artist.   13. This is not how makeup removal works:   14. The over-the-top super Top-40 version of the main ballad that always runs at the end of the movie. I guess this makes sense, but it&amp;#039;s just silly. Case in point.   15. The entire plot of Sleeping Beauty could have been avoided just by inviting Maleficent to Aurora&amp;#039;s baby shower. Seriously! That&amp;#039;s what made her evil. Being snubbed by her asshole sister and brother-in-law. We all have relatives we don&amp;#039;t like. Mine is a snotty 7th grader who once starved herself until her mom bought her tickets to Bruno Mars. But just invite them. You&amp;#039;ll get one more present. It&amp;#039;ll be fine.   16. Ariel is really cool, like sociopathically cool, with seeing seafood being eaten on land. Yeah, she saves Sebastian from being a Maryland crab cake, but what about all the other dead fish and sea creatures that Ariel sees becoming lunch in the castle? She&amp;#039;s just, like, Down With That? Talk about a think-for-yourselfer. Jesus.   17. They are all called princesses even though many of them are not actual princesses. Mulan? Tiana? Belle? Not princesses. Although &amp;quot;Female Disney Protagonists With Perfect Bone Structure Who End Up Happy and in Love After a Series of Misadventures&amp;quot; does not have quite the same ring to it, I know.   18. Honestly, it was completely shocking that Belle (1) liked to read (2) could even read at all. Considering this is theoretically a small French province in 1756. Actually, she probably would have died of some kind of old-school pox before she was like 15, just like everybody else.   19. They all have Broadway-level singing voices. And, under duress, use song to express emotion.   [Update] Changed to reflect that the voice of Adult Simba was Matthew Broderick, not Michael J. Fox. Come to my house, hunt me down and kill me. :)  RELATED:  Which Disney Princess Are You? Part 1 Which Disney Princess Are You? Part 2 20 Problems Only Disney Princesses Understand   Follow Anna on Twitter.   Photo Credit: Getty "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/a6651/disney-movies-make-no-sense/>