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" Easy Instructions! Keep expression neutral. Turn head left. Turn head right. Repeat as necessary.  Call me a recovering yes-woman. I&amp;#039;m a mom who works part-time, for myself, and a few years ago I decided to make a real push to boost the family income by putting in more hours. Unfortunately, the week I decided this was the same week that the director of my son&amp;#039;s preschool yanked me into her office, told me what a wonderful human being I was and asked me to cochair the school&amp;#039;s annual Medieval Fest.   &amp;quot;We couldn&amp;#039;t survive without the money it raises,&amp;quot; she said, gazing hopefully at me. &amp;quot;You will do it, won&amp;#039;t you?&amp;quot;  I must have looked like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. I wanted to say no, but then I thought, Who am I to say no? How could I be so selfish? So instead I chirped, &amp;quot;Sure, I will! I&amp;#039;m so honored you asked me!&amp;quot; Of course, in the six months that I worked on the Fest, I wasn&amp;#039;t able to give my career any extra time. When I wasn&amp;#039;t busy lining up volunteers to serve hot dogs at Ye Olde Snack Stand, I had two little kids to take care of and a husband to pay attention to. Maybe that&amp;#039;s why, as I stood there on Fest Day, surveying the scene -- and praying that none of the sheep got loose from the petting zoo -- I vowed that from then on, I wouldn&amp;#039;t automatically blurt &amp;quot;Yes!&amp;quot; to everyone who asked me for something.   Then I wondered: Why is &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; so hard to say? And how was I suddenly going to start saying it? You may well have asked yourself the same questions. &amp;quot;Most women find it very hard to say no and to set limits on what they do for others,&amp;quot; says Judith Selee McClure, Ph.D., author of Civilized Assertiveness for Women. And no wonder: From the time you were a little girl cradling your stuffed animals in your arms, you knew what taking care of others was about. You watched your mom do it, and she likely raised you to do it too. &amp;quot;Women are conditioned to say, &amp;#039;Yes, I&amp;#039;ll give you whatever you need or want&amp;#039; -- and to feel guilty when they don&amp;#039;t,&amp;quot; says McClure. After all, we don&amp;#039;t want to hurt others&amp;#039; feelings -- or alienate them by rejecting their requests.  One woman I know can&amp;#039;t bear the thought of disappointing her mother with a &amp;quot;no.&amp;quot; Case in point: Her mom typically drops by, unannounced, to have coffee or lunch. Recently, instead of just saying that she couldn&amp;#039;t spare the time because she had to pack for a trip, my friend actually hid from her own mother. That&amp;#039;s right -- when her mom came around to the back door to ring the bell, my pal ducked behind the kitchen counter.  Okay, so she&amp;#039;s an extreme case. But the point is, most of us do whatever we can to avoid saying no. There are, however, lots of good reasons to just say it -- and not one of them is selfishness, laziness or meanness. 1. You can&amp;#039;t do it all. &amp;quot;Saying yes all the time puts you on overload,&amp;quot; says David Posen, M.D., author of The Little Book of Stress Relief. &amp;quot;It puts far too much stress on you.&amp;quot; You may catch more colds. Or maybe you&amp;#039;ll always walk around with a scowl or become vaguely depressed. And you&amp;#039;ll start to feel like your life has spun out of control. &amp;quot;In a way it has,&amp;quot; Posen notes, &amp;quot;because you&amp;#039;re letting everyone else choose what activities fill up your days.&amp;quot;  Thirty-nine-year-old Claire Moulds from Seekonk, MA, puts it this way: &amp;quot;You can get to a point where you feel like you&amp;#039;re losing yourself. You&amp;#039;re running around, frantic, doing things for everybody. You&amp;#039;re helping everyone lead their lives, and you forget to have one of your own.&amp;quot; The change Moulds made -- which helped her become decidedly more cheerful -- was to say no to joining a new school committee and yes to going to the gym instead. &amp;quot;If you start saying no even just a little more, you&amp;#039;ll have more free time, more energy, and you&amp;#039;ll start to feel better about yourself,&amp;quot; says Posen. &amp;quot;And you&amp;#039;ll realize, &amp;#039;Hey, I do have choices.&amp;#039;&amp;quot;   2. You -- and those around you -- will be happier. No matter what kind of ace you are at nurturing others, &amp;quot;setting limits is okay,&amp;quot; says Posen. &amp;quot;You have to admit to yourself that you can&amp;#039;t meet everyone&amp;#039;s needs.&amp;quot; By the way, this doesn&amp;#039;t make you a bad wife, mother, daughter, worker or friend. In fact, because you&amp;#039;ll be less crazed and more content, you&amp;#039;ll handle those roles more attentively and just plain better.  Jennifer Thiesen, 39, of Portsmouth, RI, recognized this truth when she got a call -- in the middle of chairing a nurses&amp;#039; society meeting -- asking when she was going to pick up her kids from school. &amp;quot;I was stretched so thin because I&amp;#039;d said yes to so many things that I couldn&amp;#039;t even read my own calendar anymore. It clearly said I was supposed to pick them up, but I just didn&amp;#039;t see it. I started my &amp;#039;no&amp;#039; therapy that night.&amp;quot;   3. You&amp;#039;ll have more energy and enthusiasm for things you do commit to. Just make sure that the requests you say yes to match your priorities, so that you&amp;#039;ll genuinely enjoy pitching in (instead of simply doing it out of a sense of obligation).   4. You&amp;#039;ll raise stronger kids. Every time your kids see you say no gracefully, they&amp;#039;re learning how to stand up for themselves and to balance their goals with other people&amp;#039;s, notes Posen. You don&amp;#039;t want them to grow up to be yes-women and yes-men who scurry around doing everything pushy people ask them to, do you?   5. You&amp;#039;ll inspire your friends. Kristin Vano, a 37-year-old mom in Peachtree City, GA, found that most people took her &amp;quot;no&amp;#039;s&amp;quot; just fine when she confided to them that she was cutting out more than half of her obligations. &amp;quot;If I know the person well, I&amp;#039;m honest and say I&amp;#039;m taking time for myself and my children this year. Some even admit that they wish they had taken a break too!&amp;quot;  Of course, it&amp;#039;s possible that some people will be miffed when you say no -- especially if you&amp;#039;ve been a real yes-woman for a while now. But chances are, if you keep being friendly, they&amp;#039;ll eventually come around. If they don&amp;#039;t, says Posen, &amp;quot;Ask yourself, &amp;#039;Am I willing to neglect my own needs just so that this person will like me?&amp;#039;&amp;quot;  And then remind yourself: &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t have to say yes to her, because I have someone else to say yes to now -- me.&amp;quot;  Take a look at the following options and see which style of &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; is right for you. After all, you&amp;#039;ll be comfortable reaching for it time and again only if, like a favorite pair of jeans, it feels like a good fit.  1. The Stalling No  Try this technique if you&amp;#039;re the type who tends to get carried away by the enthusiasm of the person making the request. You say yes only to realize when you walk away that you really wish you hadn&amp;#039;t agreed to make lasagna for 30 people for your friend&amp;#039;s potluck party. Instead, play for time by saying, &amp;quot;Wow, that sounds [fun/interesting]. But I need to [check my calendar/check with my husband, who may have made plans for us/think about that because I&amp;#039;m not sure I can manage it]. Let me get back to you,&amp;quot; advises communication expert Judith Selee McClure, Ph.D.  Then, when you&amp;#039;ve had a day or so to think it over, get back in touch with the person and use one of the methods below to say no. 2. The Partial No  This method is a good compromise if you don&amp;#039;t feel right delivering a blanket &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; to someone. It allows you to help someone out, but on your own terms, says stress expert David Posen, M.D. Example: &amp;quot;Gee, I sure can&amp;#039;t lick envelopes all day, but I can from 9 to 10.&amp;quot; 3. The Pronto No  A short explanation for your refusal -- as in, &amp;quot;...because I have to help my sister out that day&amp;quot; -- makes your busyness sound more genuine, says McClure. But cut yourself off quickly; a long-winded explanation will only annoy the other person. (Let her get on with finding someone else to help her!) Besides, she might suspect that your overexplaining is a cover-up (whether it is or not) and that you&amp;#039;re not really tied up at all. 4. The Wistful No  You&amp;#039;ll like this tactic if you&amp;#039;re naturally effusive and eager to show people how helpful you wish you could be (if there were 10 of you). It&amp;#039;s also perfect if you want to leave the door open for the person to ask you for some help in the future, says Posen. An example: &amp;quot;Oh, I wish that I could watch your kids today. They&amp;#039;re so cute and I always have a great time with them! But I&amp;#039;m sorry -- I just can&amp;#039;t.&amp;quot; 5. The Empathetic No  If you pride yourself on maintaining a strong emotional connection with people, says McClure, this strategy allows you to have your cake and eat it too. You show the asker how I-feel-your-pain in sync you are with her even as you&amp;#039;re turning her down (okay, yes, this strategy is a little manipulative). Example: &amp;quot;I can see that you really need someone to water your potted plants while you&amp;#039;re away in the month of August. I know that these plants mean a lot to you. Unfortunately, I&amp;#039;m just too busy at that time to take care of them properly.&amp;quot;  6. The Stealth No  If you get really nervous at the thought of turning someone down face-to-face, use this technique. Simply call at a time when you&amp;#039;re pretty sure she won&amp;#039;t be home and leave a polite message expressing your regrets on her answering machine. You might want to write out your &amp;quot;script&amp;quot; ahead of time, so you don&amp;#039;t trip over your words. (This prep work will be even more crucial if she happens to pick up the phone.)   7. The Sympathy-Card No If you&amp;#039;re overwhelmed (with obligations, exhaustion, you name it) and you&amp;#039;re comfortable letting everyone know that, go for this tactic. They may walk away feeling sorry for you after you&amp;#039;ve said something like, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;d help you, but I&amp;#039;m just swamped these days. I can barely keep milk in the fridge.&amp;quot; And they&amp;#039;ll think twice before bugging you again.  We asked more than 750 of you this loaded question. Here, the folks you just can&amp;#039;t bear to deny -- and why you must.  27%Your Child Her very life once depended on your saying yes to her every need. It&amp;#039;s hard to turn off that instinct. But if you don&amp;#039;t, she&amp;#039;ll grow up spoiled or helpless.   21%Your Friend You want to be there for her. But if you keep (reluctantly) saying yes, you may end up resenting her.   19%Your Mother It&amp;#039;s tough to turn down the woman who did so much for you. Simply say, &amp;quot;You know, what you want doesn&amp;#039;t work for me.&amp;quot; She may be upset, but if you stay loving, she&amp;#039;ll let it go.  17%Your Husband You say yes to him to avoid a fight. But being a martyr will lead you to take out your anger on him in some other way.   13%Your Boss You agree to work late -- again -- because you fear losing your job. But if you politely say: &amp;quot;Oh, I&amp;#039;m sorry, I have a previous commitment,&amp;quot; she&amp;#039;ll see that you have a life. Just be sure to buckle down on whatever crosses your desk the next day. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/life/advice/a139/673468/>