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"FacebookPinterest\n\nWelcome back to Game of Thrones! The game in which dragons are real,George R.R. Martin laughs at your tears, and everyone is miserable. Fun! Think of it as a cross between Risk and World of Warcraft covered in blood and tears and sex.\n\nThe prize: the Iron Throne. Before we launch into season four, a quick recap of player power standingsat the top:\n\n The dragons.\n Tywin Lannister: King Joffrey Baratheon of House Scowlyface may sit on the Iron Throne but its his grandfather Tywin who controls everything.\n Daenerys Targaryen: Shes got dragons and, thanks to her castrated army, a whole new set of loyal followers.\n King Joffrey: Hes got the power to make everyone miserable and he exercises it frequently.\n Cersei Lannister: Like son, like mother.\n\nAt the bottom: all Starks everything.\n\nOnto the premiere! In case you forgot that this is a show that will kill your favorite charactersnot to mention, everyone elseyoure treated to a full frontal of an absurdly large sword, once belonging to Ned Stark who, you know. RIP. Its melted down courtesy of Tywin Lannister to be cast into two brand new murder weapons made out of Valyrian steel. Then he throws a dead wolf into a fire, because symbolism. (The Starks are wolves. The Lannisters are lions. And the sloths continue to be ignored.)\n\nCue credits! Hi, Peter Dinklage.\n\nTywin continues his reign as Father of Year in this conversation with his son, Jaime, aka Kingslayer, aka the guy whos sleeping with his sister, which, WTF, but then he said We dont get to choose who we love and you were all like, Well,__okay, fine. Jaime is back on the boardhes cleaned up after his return to Kings Landingbut not the same. His Disney prince good looks have faded somewhat. He looks tired, his spirit broken. And his hair. GIVE IT BACK, HBO. Without his right handit was his sword-handhis identity is gone. Which brings us to why this talk is so painful. Instead of, say, a few words of comfort or reassurance for his so-called favorite son, Tywin confirms his worst fears by telling him he is no longer fit to protect the king and asking him to return LannisterWorld aka Casterly Rock. This, of course, would break his oath as a Kingsguard, which he refuses to do again: You know what they call me? Kingslayer. Oath breaker. Man without honor. Now you want me to break another sacred vow. (He killed King Aerys II Targaryen, whom he was sworn to protect, in order to save the city.) Jaime refuses and stands up to daddy dearest who rudely labels him a glorified bodyguard. He does let him keep the sword though, because no takebacks. But also because hes a dick: Keep it. A one-handed man with no family needs all the help he can get. THANKS, DAD.\n\nTyrion Lannister, along with Bronn and he of magical lady-pleasing fame Podrick Payne, is on a road filled with extras and goats awaiting the arrival of the Prince of Dorne, Doran Martell, in town for the other Royal Wedding. We learn that the Lannisters and the Martells have beef, which is a shock to no one. We also learn that the Prince isnt coming. He sent his younger brother, Prince Oberyn Martell, instead. Oberyn skipped the welcome party and is already taking care of errands in town. Of course by errands, we mean casting prostitutes at a brothel for his next foursome with his paramour Ellaria Sand. Just as its about to get all Game of Bones, the Prince hears someone singing aloud to himself in the next room, which is annoying no matter the song. Like when someone starts singing along to their Spotify on the subway and you want to rip off their headphones and eat them. Except this is worse: the crooner is singing The Rains of Castamere. That means hes a Lannister and the Prince already hates him. He confronts him with a little #realtalk: You know why all the world hates a Lannister? You think your gold and your lions and your gold lions make you better than everyone. Can I tell you a secret? Youre not a golden lion. Youre just a pink little man whos far to slow on the draw. BOOM. The guy cant resist taking a stab. Literally, he stabs the guy. Dagger through the wrist. If we had a dollar for every Lannister who lost his has handwe would have two dollars.\n\nTyrion arrives seconds later and convinces Oberyn to step outside, away from the bleeding Lannister kin, where we learn the origins of Celebrity Deathmatch - Martells vs. Lannisters. Turns out, during the war that dethroned the father of Rhaegar Targaryen who was married to Oberyns sister Elia, Tywins army butchered his niece and nephew, carved them up and wrapped them in Lannister cloaks. And his sister: Gregor Clegane, The Mountain, raped Elia and split her in half with his great sword.\n\nThe Lannisters arent the only one who pay their debts. Okay then!\n\nFinally, DRAGONS. Theyre all grown up and fighting over some goat carcass. Basically, theyre teenagers: their behavior defiant, their faces ugly. Theyre dragons, Khaleesi. THANKS JORAH. Daenerys looks worried but she ignores the growing fire-breathing problem at hand and instead asserts her power by breaking up some silly Game of Thrones-version of arm wrestling.\n\nMeanwhile, Sansa isnt eating. Not even lemon cakes. I lie awake all night, staring at the canopy, thinking about how they died, she tells Tyrion. Tyrion tries to comfort her with kind words about Robb being a good man and Catelyn being strong. Her mother would want her to carry on, he tells her. Hes right, but theyre dead and that isnt going to change so Sansa walks away.\n\nShae channels her jealously over Tyrions affection and concern for Sansa by trying to seduce Tyrion in his room. But the ole suck-on-his-finger-then-put-it-up-your-dress trick doesnt work. Tyrion is, understandably, not in the mood. They argueshes insecure and frustrated, hes exhausted and stressedwithin earshot of some sneaky handmaiden lurking outside the room. Her smile says it all: Ohhhhh! Im telling! The law of snitches get stitches has yet to be recognized in Westeros.\n\nJaime and Cersei have reunited. Sort of. Hes getting fitted with a new hand made out of gold while she takes care of more practical matters, like pouring herself more wine. You drink more than you used to. Why? Look around, buzzkill. He expects to return back to normal, instead he returns toa Drake album. Too much time has gone by. Too many tragedies have happened. And too many handsOK, one handhave been chopped off. Cersei is angryher feelings of abandonment have turned to resentment and she cant behave the same way toward her brother-lover. She tenses and pulls away from his embrace and further stings him with four sad little words: You took too long.\n\nBeyond the wall, the scorned Ygritte is making arrows and practicing ways to say, You know nothing Jon Snow, while chopping Jons dick off. (Were guessing.) Tormund calls her out for not killing Jon when she had the chance. Before she admits or denies she spared Jondespite the three arrows she shot into himthe wildlings get a visit from your nightmares scar-faced members of the Ice-river clans who throw a HUMAN ARM on the rotisserie for supper.\n\nJon Snow is back at Castle Black, home of the Nights Watch, with his BFF Samwell Tarly. He confesses his sinsnamely, killing another ranger (Qhorin Haflhand) and boning (Ygritte)to a tribunal of Nights Watch elders. He tells them the rest of the truth too: the size of Mance Rayders army and their plan of attack. He lives. And goes on to be on our cover.\n\nBack in Kings Landing, Margaery Tyrell and her grandmother Lady Olenna are wedding planning when Brienne of Tarth interrupts to tell Margaery what really happened the night her first would-be king hubby died. (Reminder: the shadow of his brother Stannis, which may or may not have been birthed from the Red Priestess Lady Melisandre, snuck in and stabbed him. Naturally.) The most important part of this scene is the garden statute of Joffrey because we want one.\n\nSpeaking of Joffrey, hes still a bratty little bitch. This time delivering underhanded insults to his uncle/father Jaimeor as he so sweetly describes him, a forty-year-old knight with one handwhile going over security for the wedding. Good to know some things never change. Ugh.\n\nDaario Naharis mistakes this for some rom-com and tricks Dany into giving her a handpicked bouquet by describing it as strategy. You must to know a land to rule it, yes. You must also not fall for some medieval version of The Game, girl. Though he has a point: so far, Dany has been collecting freed slaves for her own traveling mini-kingdom. But the Mhysa liberator act will only get you so faryou have to actually rule the people you collect like checker-pieces. Create a social structure. Give them guidance. They stumble upon a crucified slave girl and you know whats coming next.\n\nRUN SANSA. Oh, nevermind. Its just Dantos Hollard, the drunk knight who Sansa once convinced Joffrey to spare from death by forced wine-chugging at his nameday celebration. He approaches her in the garden to say thanks and give him the last remaining family heirloom as a token of his appreciation: a pretty blue necklace. Sansa is touched, smiling for the first time, were guessing, since the #RedWedding. Its all very sweet. And suspicious. What does he really want? People arent nice here without wanting something in returna lesson Sansa still, somehow, hasnt learned.\n\nAnd finally, we find our fantasy buddy cop comedy duo, The Hound and Arya, traipsing through the forest. Post-Stark slaughter The Hound plans to deliver Arya to her aunt for a cash reward. In the meantime, were treated to some comic relief from their dialogue:\n\nLittle lady wants a pony.\n\nThe little lady wants away from your stench.\n\nThey stumble upon a tavern where she spots Polliverthe guy who captured Arya and her friends, killed the blonde one, and brought them to Harrenhal in season twousing natures bathroom.\n\nHe killed Lommy.\n\nWhat the fucks a Lommy?\n\nHe was my friend.\n\nGold.\n\nLommy, if you recall, was killed by Polliver with the sword he stole from Arya, which is only important because of this:\n\nHes still got it.\n\nGot what?\n\nMy sword: Needle.\n\nNeedle. Of course you named your sword.\n\nLots of people name their swords.\n\nLots of cunts.\n\nPlease please please give them a spinoff.\n\nThey go in, talk about chickens, and, naturally, a bar brawl ensues. The Hound kills them all, of course. With a little help from Arya who gets tastes some sweet, sweet revenge.\n\nSomething wrong with your leg, boy? she asks Polliver before sticking Needle straight through his throat. She does it slowly, staring at him unflinchingly, savoring every second of his death. Seriously, every time this girl kills someone it is the most gratifying, cathartic murder to witness. We cant get enough. Plus, shes been wronged so much, we dont blame her.\n\nShe gets her horse. He gets his chicken. And we get the credits.\n\nThe losers: Sansa and Cersei. Their loneliness and hopelessness knocks them back a few spaces.\n\nThe winners: Arya and The Hound. These two are the best. Due to circumstance, the two Kings Landing exiles must depend on one another. Their relationship, no matter their hilariously insulting words to one another, now has mutual respect, sympathy, and quiet affection. Theyre inching closer across this bloodied game board and taking no prisoners."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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