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"FacebookPinterest\n\n For the most part, we just \"pick on\" NFL personalities and \"add nothing of value\" to fans who need stats and context and drink Muscle Milk at work and talk about the Cover 2 with their moms. But today, we offer a list of the greatest things to ever happen on a football field in our lifetime. Or, maybe more accurately, 10 things that we have tolerated most enthusiastically thus far this season.\n\n 10. Von Miller \n\n ...who is a steamroller\n\n\n\n 9. Tim Tebow's Last-Minute Touchdown Against the New York Jets \n\n Jeff: I wish people would just admit, if they hate Tim Tebow, it is really because they hate Skip Bayless.\n\n David: Which is nothing to apologize for! If you remember, none other than Nelson Mandela once said of Skip Bayless: \"This fucking guy. Basically he's like if cold nachos, farts, and one hundred different kinds of wrongnesses became a person, and then that person started screaming. Hate him, and I'd punch him if he was here right now.\" He said that at the United Nations.\n\n Jeff: Tebow has the rest of his career/life to become an insufferable Jesus-bringing blowhard, and with a little more success, that might happen. But right now the guy plays QB like a TE from Western Arkansas State in 1937, somehow wins, and does little prayers. BFD. This TD brought the Broncos to .500 in mid-November.\n\n David: I wish he was more fun to watch, which is to say that I wish he was fun to watch at all. But I do respect the weirdness, and the last three or four minutes of his games are legitimately fun to watch, if only because his mouth-breathy affect suggests that he's as startled by the goings-on as anyone else.\n\n Jeff: I enjoy that he moves around the field like a runaway old person scooter with a \"Hemi\" engine in it. By the way, Skip Bayless is a three-day old turducken filled with oysters. \n\n\n\n 8. Marshawn Lynch Zorks the Ravens \n\n We like to criticize the Seahawks because they're the NFL version of a 1970s toy at the bottom of a box of Frankenberry. Backup quarterback Charlie Whitehurst looks like someone who is regularly denied service at Denny's for absolutely justifiable reasons. Pete Carroll is, as you read this, listening to a Paulo Coelho audiobook that was recommended to him by Matthew McConaughey's shiatsu guy. So it's not such a rug pull, maybe, that the Seahawks are so mediocre. One thing that works for them, though is Beast Mode.\n\n\n\n 7. Julio Jones is Great at One-Handed Catches... \n\n\n\n But maybe you already knew that.\n\n\n\n 6. LeGarrette Blount's Superhuman Effort Against the Green Bay Packers \n\n The best possible kind of touchdown run, here, even if it is also the kind that results in Chris Berman making that wet, plosive explosion sound during ESPN's highlights rundown. Ordinarily, the things that excite Chris Berman\u2014Talking TGI Friday's to melt a flap of cheese onto something that doesn't usually have one; coming up with puns based on Country Joe and the Fish songs in the year 2011; the very thought of Janice Dickinson\u2014are not to be celebrated. This one is undeniable.\n\n\n\n 5. Stevie Johnson \n\n Jeff: If Stevie's antics versus the Jets angered you, won't you at least concede that they allowed you to see Tyler Thigpen in a backwards baseball cap?\n\n David: As someone who enjoys overproduced post-touchdown spectacle, I was delighted. And this isn't as stagy as Chad Johnson's old full-dress-production-of-Oklahoma! routines, it's a little more downtown, a little more avant-garde. I think if Stevie started working with Robert Wilson he could really be onto something. Maybe get Laurie Anderson to do the music. Also as someone who owns a Tyler Thigpen Kansas City Chiefs replica jersey, I will take any opportunity to see him that I can get, although I prefer ones in which he's not asked to play football.\n\n\n\n Jeff: It also caused this Sione Pouha insane statement: \"Us being from New York, we like to hold ourselves to some integrity, and that airplane thing, in my opinion, was kind of a dagger considering the circumstances of remembrance of what we just had on September. 11. It was just unprofessional. We all stand for pride around here, and that's a sacred moment for a lot of people and it's a very sobering moment.\"\n\n David: I admire Sione Pouha's width and intentions, but he plays in New Jersey. I also kind of have no idea how he got where he wound up there, but I hope he enjoyed his congratulatory phone call from Rudy Giuliani.\n\n Jeff: It did help us find out about Sione's relaxation drink, which clearly, he hasn't had enough of.\n\n 4. Rob Ryan \n\n Just the fact that he's alive. He's a great character, and is also pregnant with a submarine. This is some tribute he did for Randy White in the preseason. I think he pays tribute to Cowboys fans every game, by showing them what they can aspire to, if only they'd cut back on the beer and pork cracklins and use a better conditioner.\n\n\n\n 3. Giants Wide Receivers Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz \n\n Jeff: I love these guys. Even though their QB has his difficulties.\n\n David: Cruz is, to me, the perfect combination of being amazing at football and being hilarious at football. His drops are as abject and glitched-out-video-game random as his catches are transcendent. He is also from Paterson, New Jersey, which is where kids from my hometown used to go to get beer back in high school, so I will always feel that happy/sad thing when I watch him.\n\n\n\n\n\n 2. Fired Chiefs Head Coach Todd Haley, In General\n\n It is with some sadness that we present the PUP/YAK Liftetime Achievement Award to Todd Haley. Todd could not be with us to accept this award, because he is walking around a Best Buy in Lenexa, Kansas, calling everyone \"fuckstick\" and demanding that they step their games up. He is wearing a headset that is not plugged into anything, a Chiefs sweater vest with no shirt underneath, and is very frustrated about the fact that there isn't a 50-foot USB cable available. \"I've got a printer, you ever fucking heard of one of those?\" he's saying to a 17-year-old whose nameplate says Donald. \"And it happens to be located in a different part of the house from my computer, which if you forgot is the sort of thing you'd be selling in this department if you got your head out of your ass. Come on!\" Security will be there soon. But for now let's remember the recently fired Chiefs head coach as he was during the golden, rageful years as the team's Head Sadist In Charge. Here he is screaming at poor Brodie Croyle a couple years ago:\n\n\n\n David: And opting not to shake hands with Josh McDaniels, which makes a certain amount of sense given that McDaniels always dressed and acted like a seven-year-old who was coming down with something:\n\n\n\n Jeff: I would like to put them in a cage together.\n\n David: And delivering the catchphrase that became his trademark in Kansas City, and made him America's weird-bearded jerk-boyfriend sweetheart:\n\n\n\n 1. Thwarted Kick Returners\n\n The most exciting play in football: the amazing kickoff return that does not actually result in any points. Maybe exciting isn't the right word, there. But there's something especially PUP-friendly about a hilariously well-ecuted Devin Hester-related fake-out getting called back because some random buster grabbed an opposing player's jersey on the wrong side of the field. This needs to be watched more than once, because the camera team was every bit as faked out as Green Bay's special teamers. Who were very faked out:\n\n\n\n And Percy Harvin returning a kickoff 104 yards and being tackled short of the goal line is both one of the most 2011 Minnesota Vikings things imaginable, and such a potent evocation of life's frustrations and fleeting, unfulfilled transcendences that it is basically the best novel of the year. It should be made into a movie, immediately. Kelly Reichardt, 128 minutes, very little dialogue, maybe get Michelle Williams in the mix somehow. It is already difficult to stifle the weep-yawns:\n\n\n\n Jeff Johnson whines almost hourly here, and is cruel to sportscards here and here.\n\n David Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal's Daily Fix blog, writes the sports column \"The Mercy Rule\" at Vice.com, and writes regularly for The Awl, among other places. He tweets  here."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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