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"    1. REGULATORY STANDARDS A. STANDARD OF SUCCESS: For the purposes of this treatise, a &amp;quot;successful Valentine&amp;#039;s Day Proposal&amp;quot; is so defined herein as: &amp;quot;an offer of marriage that results in the lady saying &amp;#039;yes&amp;#039; with joyful tears, joyful laughter, and/or joyful sexual advances on or around February 14.&amp;quot; B. STANDARD OF FAILURE. &amp;quot;Failure&amp;quot; is broadly defined herein as &amp;quot;rejection, on any level, you poor, sad bastard.&amp;quot; Try not to mess this up. 2. PREPAREDNESS, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL STRIPE A. PHYSICAL STRIPE, RE: ALCHOHOL USE: Blood-alcohol levels should be relatively low. Proposals made while intoxicated are far less likely to be taken seriously, especially by women \u2014 and especially when you&amp;#039;re doing this on or around February 14. An even more terrifying scenario is one in which a gin-sodden gentleman makes a rash, spontaneous proposal, and the lady enthusiastically accepts. Woe unto he who attempts to untangle said web in the midst of a headache eight to ten hours later, what with the lady having phoned her parents and friends within eight to ten minutes.  B. PHYSCIAL, RE: SUPPLIES: The involvement of the proffering of a trinket signifying intent of the proposer is necessary. Be it of the Cracker Jack or golden-vibrator variety, there must be a token. Note: All details of said proposal as recorded by human memory and technology will often come to serve as symbols, open to varied interpretations thereafter. So if you want said bejeweled vibrator to be a foreboding sign, by all means, go there \u2014 just don&amp;#039;t say I didn&amp;#039;t warn you. C. OF THE EMOTIONAL STRIPE, RE: STATUS QUO: The nature of the relationship in question between proposer and proposee (yes, it&amp;#039;s a word) should be characterized as &amp;quot;healthy&amp;quot; prior to the proposal in confidence to someone (exceptions: a therapist you lie to, employers, friends or family of the other party, et al). Otherwise, don&amp;#039;t bother. 3. ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE AND TAKEAWAY  A. ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE: By way of illustration, the author humbly submits her own cautionary tale.  I. SETTING: In my early twenties, I was mired in a dying relationship. Though we both knew a breakup was inevitable, we each tried to blow life-giving breath on the dying embers. Of course, our methods were different.  II. HIS SUGGESTION: That I give up my lifelong teetotaler ways and start drinking because &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s something we can do together.&amp;quot; I agreed. III. MY SUGGESTION: That we try anal because &amp;quot;I heard guys like it.&amp;quot; He agreed. IV. RESULTS PERTAINING TO SUGGESTIONS OF BINGE-DRINKING AND ANAL SEX: Neither alcohol nor butt sex improved our lot.  V. THE LAST-DITCH EFFORT: A Valentine&amp;#039;s Day marriage proposal. While drunk. And in bed. &amp;quot;Sara?&amp;quot; he asked, his face buried in the blankets. Yeah, babe? &amp;quot;I miss you when you&amp;#039;re not around.&amp;quot; This was not true 100 percent of the time, and I knew it and he knew I knew it, but it was a nice sentiment all the same. I responded in kind: Aww, honey, I miss you, too. He poked his head up from beneath the blankets and heaved a long, beer-scented sigh. VI. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REALLY BAD: &amp;quot;Sara?&amp;quot; His voice was watery, as if he were about to cry. Yeah? &amp;quot;Will you... marry me?&amp;quot; I gasped. He burped. But I was touched, as I had never received a marriage proposal before. The thought of spending the rest of my life with this person was simultaneously comforting and horrifying. Mostly horrifying. VII. EVEN WORSE (I.E. NEVER DO THIS MEN, EVER, EVEN WHILE SOBER): &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s your answer?&amp;quot; he whined, in the way that only drunks do. Um... Got it. What do you think? I smiled, delighted with my own cleverness.  VIII. THE &amp;quot;NEVER&amp;quot; ASSUMPTION: Maybe he&amp;#039;d pass out and we&amp;#039;d forget the whole thing in the morning! IX. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT OUT LOUD: &amp;quot;I think... yes!&amp;quot; He said, like how I imagine a thirteen-year-old girl talks about a Jonas Brother. I was raised to be agreeable, so I smiled painfully and said, I think yes, too! He hugged me and started crying, noisily. I gritted my teeth and grinned. X. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IN SUBJECT&amp;#039;S HEAD: That was it. There was no ring, but he&amp;#039;d asked, and I had (eventually) said yes, so I was an engaged woman. Taken. I&amp;#039;ve never been in actual danger of drowning, but I began to experience what I imagine must be a similar sensation. Simultaneous with that was nausea. And my lifelong girl programming fought against both of these sensations, telling me I ought to be happy, that we loved each other, that we had problems but all couples have problems, and that ohmygod I&amp;#039;d look so pretty in a white dress! In all flooded in at once. And then... XI. THE ENDING: A miracle presented itself. My new fianc\u00E9 stopped crying, lifted his head, and looked directly into my eyes. &amp;quot;Holy shit,&amp;quot; he whispered. &amp;quot;I really do not want to marry you.&amp;quot; Thank you, I whispered back. A wave of glorious relief. &amp;quot;I think I&amp;#039;m gonna go puke now,&amp;quot; he said. And that&amp;#039;s exactly what he did. The sound of his retching into the toilet was like a soothing lullaby, and I drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that I was still, for the most part, free. XII: THE UPSHOT: Like hell we&amp;#039;re still together. B. TAKEAWAY: Unless you know you&amp;#039;re going to get a yes, or unless it&amp;#039;s an otherwise innocuous day for you, or unless you&amp;#039;re drunk enough, do not \u2014 do not \u2014 propose on Valentine&amp;#039;s Day. Especially if you&amp;#039;re trying to fix a relationship, for which it is as equitable a solution as anal sex or binge drinking. But just in general, mostly. There&amp;#039;s a lot that goes into it, and isn&amp;#039;t this day enough as is? Also, it&amp;#039;ll scar Valentine&amp;#039;s Day for you forever, even if it works. This goes for the anal and booze as well. SIGNED, CERTIFIED, AND SWORN FOR, SARA BENINCASA, EXECUTIVE WOMAN WITH EXPERIENCE IN THESE THINGS ESQUIRE.COM Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer, and radio talk-show host. Her outspoken, sexually charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. She is currently working on Agorafabulous for William Morrow (a division of Harper Collins), a book based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a9390/how-to-propose-valentines-day/>