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"I&amp;#x27;m not going to lie. When I heard that the 56th Annual Grammy Awards was going to be three and a half hours long, I pretty much wondered: Seriously, I went online and started applying to colleges, so I could figure how the heck to get my life back on track. But then a friend told me that there were going to be TWENTY performances from some of my favorite musical acts such as Robin Thicke, Beyonce, Madonna, Kendrick Lamar, Lorde, etc., and I turned my frown upside down, said a couple of &amp;quot;halleloo&amp;quot;s, and did a praise dance. I mean, seeing all those people in one evening is worth the crazy long run time of the show, right? Well, I&amp;#x27;d have to admit that the answer is both yes (Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Nile Rogers, and Stevie Wonder performing together? I need that every day in my life) and no (the Willie Nelson segment served as my bathroom break&amp;amp;#8212;sorry!). So, in order to make sense of everything we all just watched, let&amp;#x27;s take a look back at the best and worst moments in a segment I like to call Lady Boner or Lady Groaner. The concept is simple: If the moment was as hot and awesome as a tray of buttermilk biscuits, it&amp;#x27;s a Lady Boner. If what happened was as jankity as a broken Skip-It toy, then it&amp;#x27;s a Lady Groaner. And now, the best and worst of the 2014 Grammy Awards: Lady Groaner: Beyonce and Jay-Z&amp;#x27;s &amp;quot;Drunk in Love&amp;quot; Performance Listen! Before you reach your hand through the computer screen and snatch the weave out my head, let me just say this: Don&amp;#x27;t. Ripping my hair out and leaving my scalp as smooth and bald as a Milk Dud that&amp;#x27;s on the floor of a movie theater is not OK. Just hear me out. I really like Beyonce and Jay-Z. I own tons of their music, but unlike everyone else at Glamour, I&amp;#x27;m simply not feeling their latest collaboration, &amp;quot;Drunk in Love.&amp;quot; The song just doesn&amp;#x27;t move me; it sounds too much on trend with what everyone else is doing (honestly, this sounds like a Ciara knockoff, and B is way better than that), and, more important, it&amp;#x27;s not an exciting song to sing live: Yes, Beyonce looks amazing, and she and Jay have great chemistry, but this is such a lackluster opening. People aren&amp;#x27;t going to be talking about it years from now, unlike other opening show performances such as the Elton John-Lady Gaga collaboration at the 2010 Grammys. Lady Boner: Pharrell Williams&amp;#x27; Ludicrous Hat Up until today, I didn&amp;#x27;t know that the fire in my pants for Pharrell could go out, but it seems that it can thanks to one twenty-gallon Smokey the Bear hat: Thankfully, my fire for him is like one of those trick birthday candles that you blow on and the flame goes out, but only temporarily. For a few seconds, I was annoyed that he looked goofy as hell, then I remembered that he has produced some of my favorite songs in recent memory, and he&amp;#x27;s insanely gorgeous. So I&amp;#x27;m going to let this one slide. Lady Groaner: Hunter Hayes&amp;#x27; Debut of His New Song &amp;quot;Invincible&amp;quot; Teenage girls across the country while he was singing: Meanwhile, I&amp;#x27;m like: In all seriousness, I&amp;#x27;m not familiar with him, so I&amp;#x27;m really confused. Is that how he always sounds? At times, he sounded nasally and off-key, which is a shame because the lyrics are lovely and the music is nice. I just kind of wish this was sung by someone whose voice was pleasant to my ears: Lady Boner: Robin Thicke and Chicago Medley I think it&amp;#x27;s safe to say that, as of late, no one would put the words &amp;quot;classy&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;Robin Thicke&amp;quot; in the same sentence. Not that he&amp;#x27;s bad guy; rather, he likes to push the boundaries with his music videos and his provocative lyrics. So that&amp;#x27;s why it was such a pleasant surprise for him to team up with Chicago to perform a medley of the band&amp;#x27;s greatest hits before closing on &amp;quot;Blurred Lines.&amp;quot; I really, really enjoyed it, and I would like him to do more stuff like this: Lady Bits at Half-Mast: Keith Urban and Gary Clark Jr. Sing &amp;quot;Cop Car&amp;quot; You see, Keith Urban is pretty delicious to look at. Exhibit A: Unfortch, his music puts me to sleep faster than when my parents call me in order to tell me about their day (Kidding! I love you, Mom and Dad!). But for real, I&amp;#x27;ve just never gotten into Keith&amp;#x27;s music, and this performance was no different. I was really fighting to stay awake during his duet with Clark Jr.: Clearly, you can understand the tough situation I found myself in: Do I change the channel, so I can stay awake? Or do I keep it on CBS so I can look at Keith&amp;#x27;s burnt sienna face? When my lady B is confronted with this kind of catch-22, she basically reacts like this: Damn you, Keith! Lady Boner: John Legend &amp;quot;All of Me&amp;quot; Performance I&amp;#x27;ve been a fan of his since the day he appeared on the music scene&amp;amp;#8212;that&amp;#x27;s partially because he doesn&amp;#x27;t rely on gimmicks or distractions to sell his music. He&amp;#x27;s just a phenomenally talented musician and singer. But sometimes when you&amp;#x27;re a no-frills kind of artist, you can get overshadowed during an awards show like this. Thankfully, that didn&amp;#x27;t happen tonight. &amp;quot;All of Me&amp;quot; is such a pretty, simple, and honest song. It was a welcome change: Lady Groaner: Jamie Foxx Making It Weird UGH! Jamie is supposed to be presenting an award, yet all he can do is talk about how sexy Beyonce is. I know she was scantily clad during her performance, but I don&amp;#x27;t think that&amp;#x27;s any excuse for Jamie to come out hours later and harp on it in front of her husband! It was just embarrassing, and frankly, it&amp;#x27;s not the first time I&amp;#x27;ve seen a male presenter do this. This happened during last year&amp;#x27;s VMAs, when Kevin Hart was supposed to be presenting an award and went on and on about how much he liked some of Lady Gaga&amp;#x27;s body parts, namely her butt. It&amp;#x27;s just crass. I really hope that this is a trend that will end soon. Lady Boner: Taylor Swift&amp;#x27;s &amp;quot;All Too Well&amp;quot; #RealTalk, my feelings about Taylor Swift have always been the same as the ones I have when I show up to a house party and someone offers me a plate of cold macaroni salad: I didn&amp;#x27;t ask for it, but OK, I guess I&amp;#x27;ll have some. Taylor seems like a nice gal and knows how to write catchy songs, but I have simply never gotten her&amp;amp;#8212;until now with her rendition of &amp;quot;All Too Well.&amp;quot; It&amp;#x27;s completely un-teeny-bopper, thoughtful, and beautiful. Finally, one of her songs came off less like a jilted teen and more like an accomplished musician who knows how to deftly channel her emotions into a lovely piece of music: But before we move on, let&amp;#x27;s relive Tay-Tay&amp;#x27;s best moment: Lady Groaner: Ringo...without Paul McCartney??? I mean, it just doesn&amp;#x27;t make sense, ya know? It&amp;#x27;s not like Ringo has ever been celebrated as a singer, so watching him sing &amp;quot;Photograph&amp;quot; by himself was kind of a bummer: Thankfully, he made up for this mistake and teamed up for their pleasant song &amp;quot;Queenie Eye.&amp;quot; Lady Boner: Pink. Although, it&amp;#x27;s hard to tell if she was actually singing or not, I always get a kick out of her emotionally and physically demanding performances. The acrobatics, the Cirque de Soleil-esque movements, and her duet with Nate Ruess from Fun. It was all working for me. Simply perfect: Lady Boner: Lorde Winning Best Pop Solo Performance and Being Completely Cute About It: Yes! I called it when I first listened to her music months ago. I&amp;#x27;m so thrilled her amazing work was recognized by the industry. But I&amp;#x27;m also happy about this win for another reason: She&amp;#x27;s a very talented 17-year-old artist who, unfortunately, has had to deal with more than her fair share of Internet vitriol over her looks, her boyfriend&amp;#x27;s looks (which included a lot of racist remarks because he&amp;#x27;s Asian), and because she applied herself and made her dreams come true. I&amp;#x27;m not going to repost any of that ugliness here; you can find that yourself if you want. Instead, I&amp;#x27;m going to say a &amp;quot;hell yeah&amp;quot; and wish her all the best of what appears to be a long career ahead of her. Go, Lorde, and ignore the haters! Bonus: ICYMI, here is her singing her smash hit &amp;quot;Royals&amp;quot; earlier in the telecast: Lady Boner: Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons Team Up Ah! This was so badass!! I don&amp;#x27;t know why I doubted this combination when I first heard about it. I love both of these acts individually, so it shouldn&amp;#x27;t have been a surprise that I was going to dig it. In fact, I loved it so much, I watched it three times in a row. I really hope they go on tour together one day: Lady Confusion: Metallica and Lang Lang Teaming Up for &amp;quot;One&amp;quot; Hmm, this sounded really interesting to me on paper, but for some reason this didn&amp;#x27;t connect with me. Perhaps there was just too much going on? Too melodramatic? You be the judge and let me know if I&amp;#x27;m missing something: Lady Boner: Surprise Wedding During Macklemore/Mary Lambert/Madonna collab of &amp;quot;Same Love&amp;quot; As my coworker Kim covered a few moments ago on Save the Date, 34 gay, lesbian, and straight couples were married by Queen Latifah during &amp;quot;Same Love.&amp;quot; It was so moving and beautiful. Hands down, my favorite moment of the night. I need some Kleenex!: What did you think of the 2014 Grammy Awards? What were some of your favorite good and bad moments from the show?"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2014/01/grammy-awards-recap-2014>