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"FacebookPinterest\n\nEvery Friday, our fearless cultural critics, armed with nothing but smartphones and hangovers, report live via email from an A.M. screening of what we believe will be the most horrible thing Hollywood has foisted on an unexpecting and undeserving American populace. It's like you're right there suffering with them. Except you're not.\n\nThis week: Dan Fierman, Alex Pappademas and Kevin \"The Monger\" Sintumuang suffer through Roland Emmerich's 2012 starring John Cusack, tsunamis, and a super volcano.\n\nDan Fierman: We're in the third row. I don't know if I can take this much HOT WORLD ENDING ACTION.\n\n Kevin Sintumuang: This will be like a snuff film...for PLANET EARTH.\n\n Sintumuang: It's on. This movie starts in 2009. Fuck. I hope 2012 wasn't the running time.\n\n Pappademas: And in India? This looks like a job for Bollywood Spiderman!\n\n Fierman: I hear this movie is based on actual research done by noted Mayan scholar Roland Emmerich.\n\n Pappademas: Neutrinos are heating up the earth's core. So, basically, go on recycling if it makes you feel good, but it doesn't matter.\n\n Fierman: Neutrinos. Solar flares. Earths core. Blah blah blah, when is shit going to blow up?\n\n Pappademas: Seriously. The part of the disaster movie where nobody believes the scientist is like the part of the porno movie where the pizza delivery guy is making the pizza.\n\n Sintumuang: And the Obligatory Disaster Movie Black President is...Danny Glover! I hope Mel Gibson is the VP. Those dudes will handle the impending apocalypse like...LETHAL FUCKING WEAPONS.\n\nFierman: DANNY GLOVER: the man you get to play your black president when Morgan Freeman tells you to fuck off.\n\n Sintumuang: Freeman's in this movie too. He plays God.\n\n Pappademas: Yes. They're saving the Mona Lisa, so Tom Hanks will still have mysteries to solve after the apocalypse.\n\n Sintumuang: Way too many French people so far.\n\n Pappademas: I know. Nobody told me I was going to have to read subtitles. I didn't pay $12.50 to see a Godard film.\n\n Fierman: So far: One dinner party. One art theft. One cabinet meeting. Zero apocalypses.\n\n Sintumuang: Did the Mayans predict how boring the first act of the movie would be?\n\n Pappademass: Jesus. An hour in and nothing's exploded. But Cusack and his kids went to a national park. Who directed this movie, Ken Burns?\n\n Fierman: Yes! WOODY HARRELSON as a crazy ass survivalist? Sold!\n\n Pappademas: Harrelson's been eating 'shrooms like there's no tomorrow. BECAUSE THERE ISN'T AND ALSO I CAN SMELL COLORS\n\n Sintumuang: According to Woody, the government is building a ship to escape the apocalypse for people like Rupert Murdoch and Bill Gates. In the post-apocalypse everyone will be reading the Wall Street Journal on their Zunes.\n\n Fierman: \"Honey, I just feel like there's something pulling us apart.' Cue gigantic fissure opening between them in supermarket. Who says Emmerich isn't witty!\n\n Pappademas: Chasm-cleanup on Aisle 5!\n\n Pappademas: Now we're talking. Earth's crust is breaking up. BRING THE MUHFUGGIN RUCKUS.\n\n Sintumuang: I think i just got an APOCA-HARD ON!\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\n Pappademas: Holy shit-- Wilshire Boulevard. CAA, ICM, Miller-Gold...all destroyed.\n\n Sintumuang: West coast fell into the Pacific. I will miss the Double Double at In n Out the most.\n\n Pappademas: I'll miss Turtle and Drama.\n\n Pappademas: \"Sure, we'll get to safety. Lemme just jump in this Winnebago and go pick up some crazy hippie podcaster guy I got drunk with in the woods real quick.\"\n\n Fierman: Vehicles John Cusack has jumped, Dukes of Hazzard style, over yawning cravasses in this movie: limo, RV, and counting.\n\n Sintumuang: There seems to be some delays at McCarren airport in Vegas. Cause? Oh, just your ordinary SUPER-VOLCANO.\n\n Fierman: And Vegas is...gone. And I was enjoying this season of TOP CHEF.\n\n Sintumuang: Cusack and his family just escaped Vegas with a Russian Millionaire and a plane full of exotic cars. This is like GTA IV: Apocalypse City.\n\n Pappademas: Their plan is to flee to British Columbia? Where are they getting their evacuation plans, High Times?\n\n Pappademas: Hawaii is looking like Dianetics. That can't be good.\n\n Sintumuang: Note to self: Don't stand near the Washington Monument during a massive earthquake.\n\n Fierman: A battleship takes on a tidal wave takes out the White House. Subtle, Mr. Emmerech, subtle.\n\n Pappademas: \"I'm coming home, Dorothy.\" They couldn't t give Glover a valedictory moment that wasn't a Redd Foxx joke?\n\n Sintumuang: Also a place to avoid: Inside the Sistine Chapel. Not safe either. Death by falling fresco.\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\n Sintumuang: And now we're on the Genesis aka the Ark aka the Gates-Murdoch Express aka The Boats Where Poor People Aren't Allowed.\n\n Fierman: Is it wrong to point out that all the people they're talking about saving are billionaires who paid to get on the Ark?\n\n Fierman: The Queen! Guess god saved her after all.\n\n Sintumuang: And her dogs. You know, because they're more important than humans.\n\n Pappademas: They have dress uniforms for the crew of the Ark? And a logo? They probably have t-shirts for intramural sports too.\n\n Pappademas: They saved elephants and giraffes? Did Michael Jackson build these boats?\n\n Pappademas: Chiwetel Ejiofor is having an Obama moment. Can we fit more people on this ark? Yes we can.\n\n Sintumuang: \"People with less money than us are storming the Ark! Quickly Jeeves, hide the caviar!\"\n\n Sintumuang: OK. In the past ten minutes there's been a water rapidly filling a room on the ark, a monk with a bleeding leg, a jammed hydraulic chamber, and now they're about to crash into Mount Everest. They went balls out with the complications in this one. What's next?\n\n Pappademas: \"SNAKES ON AN ARK!\"\n\n Sintumuang: Phew. Cusack just saved the human race by keeping a ship designed to withstand the impact of cataclysmic tidal waves from plowing into Mount Everest. Sooooo predictable.\n\n Fierman: My high school girlfriend told me John Cusack would be the one to save humanity. And here I didn't listen."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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