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" The Republican nominating process has been such an energetic festival for fruitcakes that the candidates and their personal foibles have tended to obscure what a complete clusterfk the actual nominating process is. First, there were all those states that scrambled to get in there ahead of Iowa and New Hampshire \u2014 because, seriously, folks, why not? \u2014 and what resulted was Florida&amp;#039;s losing half its delegates and South Carolina&amp;#039;s having to vote on Saturday, and losing half its delegation anyway because it insisted on getting to the post ahead of Florida. Back in the days when I used to work in a state forest in Massachusetts, on Sundays and summer holidays, people used to line up at the front gate before we opened so as to get a shot at the best picnic tables down on the lakefront. Every time this happened, we used to have to go chase people who had left their cars and gone sneaking through the woods to beat the system. This was the recreation industry&amp;#039;s equivalent of guerrilla war. That&amp;#039;s what this whole process has brought to mind. I see the various state Republican parties as a bunch of pasty-faced guys in shorts and sandals, dragging picnic baskets and lawn chairs behind them, sneaking through God&amp;#039;s own primal woodlands, trying to beat their fellow citizens to a table by the lake. It is not a pretty image, believe you me. Now, as the latest chapter in this drama, the Republican National Committee felt obliged to send out an e-mail reminding reporters that today&amp;#039;s voting in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota will mean sweet fk-all, despite what you may hear from John King and my man Chuck Todd. Here, for example, is the RNC&amp;#039;s official explanation of how Missouri will ultimately choose its delegates: Missouri will hold a primary tomorrow that is not recognized as being a part of any delegate allocation or selection process... A precinct caucus will be held on 3/17/2012 to begin the process of choosing their 52 delegates which will be chosen at district conventions on April 21, 2012, and a state convention on June 2, 2012. Candidates for delegate must state a presidential preference at the time of nomination and will be bound to support that candidate for one ballot at the national convention. And then, everyone will bob for apples, and the ones who pick the apples marked &amp;quot;Delegate&amp;quot; will advance to the swimsuit and talent portions of the competition, the four semifinalists from which will then joust on horseback until all of them save one is dead. That person will get to be an Alternate at this year&amp;#039;s convention. I swear, the whole process is designed just to make Rick Santorum weep. And don&amp;#039;t watch the cable coverage. It only encourages them. (Illustration by DonkeyHotey via Flickr/Special to The Politics Blog) "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a12676/republican-nominating-process-6652895/>