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"You know how people usually say, &amp;quot;Only God can judge me,&amp;quot; when they do something trifling, right? Never once has a French au pair, after teaching the English-speaking child she&amp;#x27;s watching the song &amp;quot;Frere Jacques,&amp;quot; had to justify that decision to the parents by saying, &amp;quot;Only God can judge me.&amp;quot; I, however, uttered that phrase to my ovaries after they put in their two weeks&amp;#x27; notice because I subjected them to watching the first season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I know, I know; it&amp;#x27;s kind of trash TV, but it&amp;#x27;s not like I sought it out. A few friends told me about the show, and before I knew it, I was sucked in. Say what you want about the Boo Boo clan&amp;amp;#8212;they&amp;#x27;re too country, they&amp;#x27;re ridiculous&amp;amp;#8212;but they own who they are, don&amp;#x27;t care what anyone thinks about them because they&amp;#x27;re doing the best they can, and all deeply love one another, which is something we don&amp;#x27;t see enough of on TV. Luckily for me, the love and laughs (this family is a walking soundbite) are coming back because Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is returning to TLC tonight at 9 P.M. ET/8 P.M. CT. Don&amp;#x27;t worry if you&amp;#x27;re not caught up because I&amp;#x27;m here to break down everything you need to know about this family. [SPOILERS AHEAD. JUST KIDDING.] Like the greatest Hemingway stories, we must begin at the beginning and HCHBB&amp;#x27;s start is Alana &amp;quot;Honey Boo&amp;quot; Thompson doing a spoken-word poem called &amp;quot;Strippers &amp;amp; Supermarket Sweep Shoppers&amp;#x27; National Anthem [And Yes This Is the Only Thing These Two Groups of People Have in Common&amp;quot;: Honey Boo Boo&amp;#x27;s sister older sister Chubette (Yes, that&amp;#x27;s the actual nickname her family gave her) essentially tells Dr. Oz to quit his day job because she&amp;#x27;s dropping all the medical science one needs to know: Uhhhhhhhh, no. Tooting will do nothing but make your boo leave you on the side of the road because he&amp;#x27;s sick of you preheating your dutch oven so you can bake him some fart biscuits that he didn&amp;#x27;t ask for. Half of TLC&amp;#x27;s budget is spent on decoding the nonsense that&amp;#x27;s said like it&amp;#x27;s the Watergate tapes. Meet Mama June: Someone went to college so they could end up fact-checking and confirming that Mama said VAJIGGLE JAGGLE. Think about that. That person got good grades in high school, took out student loans, ate tater tots and Ramen noodles for four years, graduated and now has Sallie Mae leaving voice mails for past-due student loan payments, all so s/he could make minimum wage to type &amp;amp;#8220;beautimus&amp;amp;#8221; in sad Arial font. If that person had known this is what their life was going to be, I&amp;#x27;m pretty sure s/he would&amp;#x27;ve just gone to University of Phoenix online. #RealTalk Mama June proves that she&amp;#x27;s my long-lost soul mate because she says the same damn thing as I do when I, as a bridesmaid, showed up to my friend&amp;#x27;s pre-wedding-morning brunch and the mother of the bride doesn&amp;#x27;t great me with a &amp;quot;Hi,&amp;quot; but instead a look that implies, &amp;quot;You look tore up from the floor up&amp;quot;: I&amp;#x27;m pretty sure this is what DJ Jazzy Jeff &amp;amp; the Fresh Prince&amp;#x27;s song &amp;quot;Parents Just Don&amp;#x27;t Understand&amp;quot; was talking about: Let her have meats as a side, guys! Speaking of parents, let&amp;#x27;s not forget Sugar Bear, Honey Boo Boo&amp;#x27;s dad, who wants us to not forget the fact that his peen knows how to put on its Sunday&amp;#x27;s best a.k.a. get a boner: Let&amp;#x27;s wash away the thought of Sugar Bear&amp;#x27;s horniness with a little self-empowerment from Honey Boo: Amen, sister! But that doesn&amp;#x27;t mean she&amp;#x27;s completely happy with the way she is as she&amp;#x27;s probably asking Jesus why he treated her like a bookshelf that he got tired of building, so he stopped halfway through to watch five hours of Downton Abbey: I mean, what the heck, JC? And then Jesus is like, &amp;quot;Oh, you going to try and give me attitude like I drank the last of your Pelligrino? Hello! I turned water into wine. You don&amp;#x27;t think I can&amp;#x27;t turn water into a fizzy version of Crystal Light? OK, now you&amp;#x27;re going to listen to a grown-ass woman try and describe a vajayjay&amp;quot;: Listening to Mama June&amp;#x27;s ridic explanation makes you respond the way I do when someone I know comes up to me on the street while I&amp;#x27;m listening to my iPod and strikes up a conversation: Back to Honey Boo Boo. Some people like to wear a vintage shirt and make it new again. Well, HBB is serving us the 2013 version of SNL&amp;#x27;s Stuart Smalley: Meanwhile Mama June is serving us sketti (spaghetti mixed with Country Crock butter and ketchup) a.k.a. some B.S. I&amp;#x27;m never eating because I&amp;#x27;d like to live past 40: But Honey Boo Boo doesn&amp;#x27;t care about an unhealthy diet because she&amp;#x27;s too busy summing up the entirety of humanity in the cutest way possible: See, despite all the farting, talk of &amp;quot;biscuits,&amp;quot; and other general shenanigans, there is some profundity to be found. But it&amp;#x27;s not too long before it&amp;#x27;s back to business as usual (Memo to my future husband: This better included in your proposal to me) and something silly is said: And finally, Mama June perfectly sums up the motto I use whenever life basically acts like the rainbow circle on my Mac laptop when it&amp;#x27;s freezing: Don&amp;#x27;t miss one second of the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo premiere tonight on TLC at 9 P.M. ET/8 P.M. CT."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/07/here-comes-honey-boo-boo-every>