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" The first thing you need to know is you&amp;#039;re standing a little too close. Put down the magazine and take a couple of steps back, all right, friend? It&amp;#039;s for your own good. I am a man of strong and powerful opinions that often require sudden gestures and startling movements to properly convey. I wouldn&amp;#039;t want to see you hurt, by accident.  Also, I do not suffer fools gladly but would gladly make fools suffer. I realize that may not make any sense to you. If so, could I see your thumb, please? If you know me, which you don&amp;#039;t, you know one thing: I&amp;#039;m against the war. As this magazine went to press, that included the Iraq war and the Israel-Lebanon war, which I&amp;#039;m counting as one war. If some new wars have started in the last couple of weeks, I&amp;#039;m against those as well. I opposed the Vietnam War as a baby, and I believe I would have opposed the Korean War; I&amp;#039;ll have to look it up someday and find out. Had I been around, I definitely would have opposed World War II. In hindsight, you can say it turned out all right, but we&amp;#039;ll never really know how many lives could have been saved had we given appeasement a chance. Nevertheless, I am not an anti-Semite. I am an anti-anti-Semite. Unless that makes me a Semite. Then I&amp;#039;m something else. I support gay rights, even though I&amp;#039;m not gay personally or professionally. I&amp;#039;m so heterosexual, I can&amp;#039;t even masturbate. But I believe that whatever two guys want to do with each other&amp;#039;s parts is fine, as long as I&amp;#039;m not in the room, and two gals as well, even if I am.  I won&amp;#039;t eat anything with a face that I know or might recognize. Neither will I eat anything with a name, be it Elsie or Beauty or Old Red. If I must eat an animal (for example, if I order a cheeseburger), I insist on being led to believe it died humanely, preferably by its own hand. I eat a lot of lemming. (It tastes a little like vole.)  As far as evolution goes, I just don&amp;#039;t buy it. If chimpanzees are our closest living relatives, sharing more than 98 percent of our DNA, you should be able to mate with them, but you can&amp;#039;t. You really, really can&amp;#039;t. I have a theory that we evolved from cows and sheep, but I can&amp;#039;t go into the details right now. It&amp;#039;s in peer review. Oh, and global poverty is our single greatest challenge today, I believe. It&amp;#039;s important to say that every once in a while, otherwise they&amp;#039;ll keep showing us those pictures.  I don&amp;#039;t carry cash, but if I did, I would certainly share my hard-earned money with panhandlers and vagrants and the like. In lieu of payment, I usually offer smart career advice and motivational sayings. For the past couple of years I&amp;#039;ve Gone Zero, as many big celebrities and Ed Begley Jr. have been doing. To reduce my carbon emissions, I&amp;#039;ve carved my name on that tree over there and several others around the neighborhood. There&amp;#039;s also all this moss growing across my back and down my legs. I have to face south all the time, but I think our planet is worth it. The propeller on my head provides all my personal energy needs. I am also progressing in my goal of achieving zero net biomass. Hence the jars. The technology is not yet here to turn our urine into gasoline and excrement into some other wonderful thing, but when it is, I&amp;#039;ll be ready. Also, it&amp;#039;s not easy to fart into jars, but I&amp;#039;m getting pretty good at it. If you invite me to your dinner party, you should know that in addition to the above, I am conversant in the following topics: funny Bill Murray movies. I insist, however, that you adhere to my facial dietary restrictions; if you attempt to serve me human flesh, I will know it and will not hesitate to make my opinions known. And be aware: If you seat me next to a snooty society matron or a precocious, talkative child, there will be punching. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a406/esq1006two-234/>