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" I take the phrase &amp;quot;definitive ranking&amp;quot; very seriously, FYI, especially in a campy board game context. 24. BRUCE  Bruce is the guy you met in the E.A.T.S Snack Shop after chatting online for a while and even though he said he was &amp;quot;17/m/[your hometown goes here],&amp;quot; it turns out he&amp;#039;d lied and was just using his hot jock older brother&amp;#039;s photos to entice you into an IRL date. Technically this makes him the only age-appropriate Dream Phone date on offer, given that the target audience is presumably 11- to 14-year-old girls (and drunk gay men, holla) but still, the game is supposed to be a *~fANtAsY and Bruce doesn&amp;#039;t cut it. 23. PHIL  Phil is basically &amp;quot;The Boy Who Lived ... and Grew Up to Be a Huge Creeper.&amp;quot; Carry some Floo Powder in your semiformal purse, because a speedy exit will be required. 22. CARLOS  When Carlos says, &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t worry babe, I&amp;#039;ve picked the perfect spot for our date,&amp;quot; it means he&amp;#039;s taking you to a GNC store and buying whey protein shakes. And that&amp;#039;s assuming he even leaves Jim&amp;#039;s Gym to take you out in the first place. Sample text from Carlos: &amp;quot;sry babe, running late coz I need to focus on my bicep curls. talk soon k? xxC&amp;quot; If there were a grunting emoji, he&amp;#039;d add that too. 21. BOB  Sure, Bob looks cute and all, but let me tell you that this little gym bunny&amp;#039;s lost his tail thanks to steroid abuse, if you get what I mean. (I mean that steroids have shrunk Bob&amp;#039;s package past the point of no return.) Dream Phone&amp;#039;s Jim&amp;#039;s Gym contingent are the worst, actually; don&amp;#039;t even get me started on the poseur sunglasses on show here. 20. JAMAL  In more major fashion fails, Jamal&amp;#039;s tie is just a big no-no. 19. MIKE  And aside from the fact that Mike&amp;#039;s expression says less &amp;quot;I like you&amp;quot; and more &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;d like to suck on your toes after I have murdered you and chopped your corpse up into small pieces,&amp;quot; this turtleneck is just heinous; especially in this dank striped color palette. It&amp;#039;s almost more offensive than the fact that Mike&amp;#039;s only looking at you as meat. 18. TONY  Tony just looks too much like Joanna, the evil Komodo dragon from The Rescuers Down Under, to be taken seriously. Once you see it, you won&amp;#039;t be able to unsee it:  17. GEORGE  When your 17-year marriage ends after George confesses to an affair with his secretary at the bank and you&amp;#039;re asking yourself, &amp;quot;Why, oh why? What could I have done better?&amp;quot; just look back to this photo of him when from you first got together, remember how suspicious you were of his side-part, and know that you should have listened to your gut. #RealTalk. 16. MATT  There&amp;#039;s a very good reason Matt&amp;#039;s such a regular at Jim&amp;#039;s Gym, and it is this: he&amp;#039;s checking out the other guys in the locker room. 15. TYLER  Tyler is also gay, but at least he&amp;#039;s always available to help you run lines after theater club. (Just to clarify, I&amp;#039;m not ranking these two cutie-pies low because of their sexuality, only because it renders them pretty useless in the context of those chaste coupledom fantasies Dream Phone is meant to elicit.) 14. DALE  Dale probably already has a long-suffering girlfriend, but spends his evenings trawling chat lines anyway. What a douche. As is canon with all things teen relationship, his hair is only that big because it&amp;#039;s full of cheater&amp;#039;s secrets, after all.  13. JAMES  And James represents the tipping point in this important ranking between guys with flaws and guys without. He&amp;#039;s got a nice smile, but that&amp;#039;s about it. 12. JOHN  This is one of those situations where your brain says, &amp;quot;LOL no,&amp;quot; but your heart says, &amp;quot;Aaw, maybe.&amp;quot; So John lands a spot right in the middle of this ranking, because how do you even compare him to his Dream Phone brethren? He&amp;#039;s a polarizing figure; I once played Dream Phone against someone who deliberately threw the game because she&amp;#039;d deduced her dream date was John, and then cried about it afterward. (She was a bit high-maintenance though, to be honest.) 11. JASON  A hipster before his time, the only reason Jason&amp;#039;s hanging out in Woodland Park is to hunt mushrooms, because he overheard someone in the line at Trader Joe&amp;#039;s saying that artisanal truffles are a new thing. If you&amp;#039;re ready for him to spend hours talking about how auditions for the harpsichord player in his new band are going, then great, he&amp;#039;s all yours.  10. SPENCER  Don&amp;#039;t let the fact that Spencer resembles a character from Pleasantville come to life in full color (but still possessing &amp;#039;50s virtues) fool you. He&amp;#039;s going to make out with you like there&amp;#039;s no tomorrow in the back row at Reel Movies. And you&amp;#039;re going to like it. 9. DAN  And Dan will try and hit third base just about as soon as the lights dim for the trailers, that randy beast. You&amp;#039;ll consider it briefly, because he&amp;#039;s a hottie with a body and floppy bangs, but it&amp;#039;s not worth it because you might get popcorn in your pants. 8. ALAN  Alan made sure his tie matched the collar of his jacket so you know he&amp;#039;s trying really hard to impress you. &amp;amp;lt;3 7. SCOTT  And Scott is the type of guy Taylor Swift would write songs about \u2014 specifically, he&amp;#039;s the guy they planned to cast as T-Swift&amp;#039;s love interest in the &amp;quot;You Belong With Me&amp;quot; video, but it didn&amp;#039;t work out because he&amp;#039;s not a real person (well, I mean, he is but he&amp;#039;s probably 35 now) so then that guy from the new X-Men movies subbed in at the last minute.  6. WAYNE  Wayne and his sexy neon windbreaker calls and you&amp;#039;re like:  What more needs to be said? (Wayne won you that pink pig plushie that&amp;#039;s on the chest in this GIF&amp;#039;s background in an arm-wrestling contest at the county fair, FYI.) 5. PAUL  When Paul writes you Some non-linear poetry You won&amp;#039;t mind That there isn&amp;#039;t even a rhyme Scheme Because there&amp;#039;s a nice, romantic scene with a dove instead. 4. GARY  OK, I know I talked a lot of shit about turtlenecks already in this ranking but Gary&amp;#039;s pairing his with a paisley cardigan, and if that&amp;#039;s not the sort of thing that screams &amp;quot;\u00FCber-confident sex machine,&amp;quot; then I really don&amp;#039;t know what is. Just lie there and let Gary work his magic, OK? 3. DAVE  Again with the paisley, bolstered this time by Dave&amp;#039;s passing resemblance to Topher Grace. Did my clothes just fall off? Yes, yes they did. 2. MARK  Mark almost has a unibrow, and don&amp;#039;t pretend that put you off even a little bit. 1. STEVE  Blow this photo up poster-sized and pin it on your teenage bedroom&amp;#039;s wall. Steve is a &amp;#039;90s dreamboat, and I think/hope I speak for everybody when I say we all wanted him to be ~*THE ONE. Always and forever, Steve, always.  RELATED: The Definitive Ranking of Taylor Swift&amp;#039;s Music Video Boyfriends Follow Alex on Twitter. Photo credit: courtesy of Dream Phone / my scanner because I still own a complete copy of Dream Phone just FYI "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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