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" Question My boyfriend has recently moved in with me and my three children. Things are becoming tense. My 16-year-old girl keeps making unreasonable demands on my time, which she never used to do, and I feel obliged to go along with it, to try and avoid confrontation. The 21-year-old girl has made it plain that she does not like my boyfriend living with us and will, at the first opportunity, be moving out.  My boyfriend has no children of his own and I cannot have any more - therefore he has no experience of dealing with children. He will often say that if he had children there is no way he would let them get away with this. Also as this is his first major relationship he has never had to cope with the commitment of a mortgage, or being responsible for another person or even not being able to drop everything and just please himself. The situation is tearing me apart as I know that if it were just the two of us things would be fine. I know I am in the wrong a lot of the time regarding my younger daughter and I am doing my best to be more assertive, but without her thinking that I don&amp;amp;#8217;t care about her. My son, who is 20, is absolutely sound. He just does his own thing and is of the opinion that I have a life to lead and that so does he. I must point out that before my boyfriend moved in I would spend almost every night in the house on my own! Everyone else would be out doing their own thing. It is only now that they seem to be in more and expecting me still to be sitting there.  I am extremely happy when I am with my boyfriend and he makes me laugh a lot which is something I haven&amp;amp;#8217;t done for years - however when we are all together I just cannot relax, always waiting for an unguarded comment, or a rude response; or finding that I cannot believe it when things are going well and then waiting for it all to go pear shaped. Occasionally, the eldest girl used to help around the house with cooking or cleaning, now she will do nothing more than make an occasional cup of tea.  My boyfriend will do everything he can around the house, cooking for everyone and cleaning etc. I feel that the children think that as he is doing it, they no longer need to. My boyfriend is very reasonable towards the kids - he will put himself out to be helpful - giving them lifts, lending his car, helping with homework, offering advice regarding school etc. He gives a lot but seems to get nothing in return. He has been suffering recently with depression as has my eldest daughter and I wonder if this may be aggravating the problem.  Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated as I am at my wits end and finding it very difficult to cope. I want my relationship to work very much but I also want my children to be happy. I am very aware that the children will not be with me forever and that if I cannot get things right my boyfriend will leave - then I will end up on my own because eventually the children will leave as well!! Please can you help?   Answer David writes: I just want to quickly mention something from a medical point of view. I see that you say both your daughter and your boyfriend are suffering from depression. This cannot be helping the situation, so I hope that they are both getting treated - for instance with antidepressants. Now, over to Christine...  Christine adds: I am very sorry to hear of all the tensions in your house. This is very difficult for you, as you cannot be everything to everybody. The fact is that in these &amp;#039;step-family&amp;#039; situations, time is a great healer. Surprisingly, you may find that if you more or less do nothing, everyone will gradually get used to each other and sort themselves out. But here are some thoughts on the various aspects of your problem. First of all, your 21 year old says she&amp;#039;s going to leave when she can. Well, plenty of kids have gone by 21 anyway. If she really wanted to go, I think she&amp;#039;d have gone by now. Perhaps the comfort of home is too much to give up really! It doesn&amp;#039;t actually sound as if she&amp;#039;s doing much more than making threats. And in any event, it might be a much better thing for both her and the two of you if she did go and make her own life. It would almost certainly make her appreciate her home more!  Your 16-year-old makes a lot of claims on your time - which is more understandable. I think you can help yourself by having more structure in your life. Draw up a plan of what you did - every hour of every day - for the past three or four days, so far as you can remember. This will help you see where you are REALLY spending your time as opposed to where you THINK you are.  Then, from tomorrow, draw up a daily timetable and make sure there are slots in it every day for each of your children, as well as for your boyfriend. When you can point to your plan and tell them what is really planned and what really happens, no one will be able to accuse you of allocating your time differently.  Of course all three of your children need reassurance that they are deeply loved, but as you say, before your boyfriend moved in you often spent evenings alone. And all your children are at the stage when they will soon be making their own lives.  The other thing is that at the beginning of these situations kids often think that the new partner is a temporary fixture, so they can&amp;#039;t really be bothered to take the whole thing seriously. It just seems like disruption they can do without. So the more your boyfriend acts as he has been doing - calmly getting on with normal things and being nice to the kids even when they&amp;#039;re not very nice to him - the more your children will come to accept him.  I&amp;#039;m not sure how long you knew your partner before he moved in. It may be that the children knew little of him before they found him in their house - and this is something that can seem very unsettling.  However, just because you love this man, and just because your children will, in time, accept him, doesn&amp;#039;t mean that you should all spend all your time together. After all, your boyfriend does not share all your family history, and even though you love him to pieces, it doesn&amp;#039;t mean that your kids will ever think he&amp;#039;s as fabulous as you think he is. So make sure that you have shopping or cinema trips with your kids that don&amp;#039;t involve your boyfriend. He should not be imposed on your children at all times.  Obviously you also need to have romantic times with your boyfriend - so make sure that the two of you get out regularly and have good times as a couple. I expect you&amp;#039;d sooner have romantic evenings IN sometimes, but this really isn&amp;#039;t an option with three young adults in the place. Apart from when you retire to your bedroom.  The chances are that things at home will substantially improve before long. But do make sure that you not only give everyone some of your time, but that you reserve some time and space for yourself.  If you continue to feel very stressed, do ring an organisation called Parentline on 0808 800 2222. Good Luck Yours sincerely Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, psychotherapist   Other Qs &amp;amp; As Am I too young for sex? Bringing up a child Daughter doesn&amp;#039;t approve of relationship Did I over-react? Explaining the facts of life to an eight-year-old girl I am afraid of having a boyfriend I believe my ex-wife&amp;#039;s lies are affecting my children My 13 year old is unable to ejaculate My children need a father but it means dating again at 45 My daughter attempted suicide My daughter thinks she&amp;amp;#8217;s a man My son is gay My son&amp;amp;#8217;s love problems   Last updated 30.01.2007 "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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