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" 1. You dropped your phone in the toilet. Fortunately you&amp;#039;re too drunk to comprehend what might have been in there before your phone.  2. You&amp;#039;re crying.   3. You&amp;#039;re on the phone with someone you shouldn&amp;#039;t be. And probably yelling at them about something abstract that has to do with your feelings, which you cannot articulate well because you&amp;#039;re drunk.  4. You&amp;#039;re having hand/eye coordination problems. Potentially lethal to others on the dance floor.  5. You&amp;#039;re doing multiple shots even when a part of you knows it will be a bad idea 10 minutes later. Which brings me to...  6. You just threw up a tiny bit and swallowed it. I&amp;#039;m cool!  7. You&amp;#039;re considering having sex with someone you are 100 percent not attracted to. When sober and in the daytime, thinking about putting your lips on this person&amp;#039;s lips is enough to make you want to take a Silkwood shower.   8. You&amp;#039;re telling a random guy that you give ~*~*aWeSoMe~*~* blowjobs. &amp;quot;I know all girls THINK they do but I riiiiiiilly do though.&amp;quot; As soon as this comes out of my mouth, I become aware that I will probably go home and throw up immediately.  9. You are eating the gross germy bar snacks. But all you want is a taco. 10. You&amp;#039;re stuffing something into your face you bought from a food cart. You almost forget that this happened the next day.  11. It&amp;#039;s after 2 A.M. Nothing good happens after 2 A.M.   12. You are barefoot and your heels are under a table/in your purse/nowhere to be found. Bare feet = too drunk to be in public. Hard and fast rule.  13. You have peed somewhere that isn&amp;#039;t a bathroom. And asked a friend to keep watch though she probably did not.   14. You&amp;#039;ve made out with someone on the dance floor whose name you do not know. Brian? Kevin? Jefferson? Lincoln? Mike?  15. You stole your phone back from your friend after you made her hold it so you wouldn&amp;#039;t text someone. Because you are at the intoxication level where you&amp;#039;d literally dive into a volcano to retrieve your phone in order to text some nothing statement to the asshole you like.   16. You&amp;#039;ve told the same story five times. One time when I was drunk I told about 16 different people who gradually trickled into the same party (and sat at one table) about seeing a guy&amp;#039;s asscrack in Zara.  17. You stop being afraid that your ass might be showing because your dress is really short. In fact, you embrace it like some men embrace skeet shooting.  18. Someone has invited you to do something weird \u2014 like ride on a boat or a motorcycle or the handlebars of a bike \u2014 and it sounds like a good idea. My friend Julie will have a tiny scar forever.   19. The sun is rising. Go home.  20. Cocaine is somewhere near you. Go home.  21. You&amp;#039;re starting to worry about how you look under bright light. Go home, and do a nice exfoliating mask when you&amp;#039;re hungover and back on this planet.  22. You have fallen asleep at least once when sitting down for a minute. What? I&amp;#039;m up, I&amp;#039;m up, I was resting my eyes. PAAAARRRRTTYYYYY!   23. You&amp;#039;ve dropped and broken your phone/glasses/drinks. How every Law And Order: SVU begins.  24. You&amp;#039;ve told anyone who will listen about a medical issue you have. Like, suuuuuper-detailed Homeric epics about the emergency oral procedure you had done on your cracked wisdom tooth.  25. You fell down. Go home before you experience further humiliation. 26. Your makeup&amp;#039;s not where it should be. Smeared all up on the wrong places, including probably that guy Lincoln you made out with during an awful remix on the dance floor.   27. You&amp;#039;re down 3 layers of clothing from when you entered the bar. Why did I even wear this sweater?! Oh right, because it is new and expensive and beautiful and I&amp;#039;m proud of having it. *forgets sweater at bar*  28. You forget that you are Poor and start buying drinks for everyone. Alternatively: What happened to your credit card? It was here a second ago!   29. Swiping right on your Tinder has become a group game that everyone in the bar is playing with your life. And then you wake up in the morning with 7 &amp;quot;whatups&amp;quot; from guys with bleach-blonde Eminem hair who appear to live 100 miles away.   30. You keep saying hi to the same person like they just got there, but they have been there and you have been chatting with them for hours. And don&amp;#039;t even notice them silently judging you.  31. You&amp;#039;re wobbling. Almost more embarrassing than falling?   32. You almost just started a fight with a random girl who bumped into your chair because she &amp;quot;disrespected&amp;quot; you. Get enough Jose Cuervo in an American Literature Ph.D with a focus on Emily Dickinson, and even SHE might get possessed by the cast of Jersey Shore and try to rip another girl&amp;#039;s bangs off.   33. You keep getting in those deep conversations where you know you shouldn&amp;#039;t be telling people what you&amp;#039;e telling them. &amp;quot;I shouldn&amp;#039;t tell you this, but like, whatever, I&amp;#039;ll just tell you.&amp;quot; Noooooooo, stoppppppp.   34. You are promising to hang out with people you know you will never speak to again. You will feel awkward and depressed about this the next day.  35. You just made brunch plans for tomorrow with the girl you generally hate. You will start dreaming up an escape plan the second she walks away, but you&amp;#039;re too drunk to come up with anything good.  36. You are randomly hugging. Oh my Goddddddd, it&amp;#039;s been foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! 37. You are bumping and grinding on your girlfriends.   Related: Stages of Partying, By Age   Follow Anna on Twitter.   Photo Credit: X17 "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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