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"  Remember that time your great-aunt may or may not have had one too many Zimas at your cousin&amp;#039;s wedding circa 1992 and forced you to request &amp;quot;The Electric Slide&amp;quot; over and over again? Then when the song finally came on, she did the Macarena? And then she fell on the dance floor, exposing her undergarments? Remember the second- and third-hand embarrassment you felt? Well, folks, we can all relive that traumatizing experience together this week while Sonja gets ready for her burlesque show in The Hamptons. Is it just me or does Sonja now &amp;quot;perform&amp;quot; burlesque once or twice a season?  This time around, she&amp;#039;s late for her &amp;quot;professional practice session&amp;quot; where the instructor and backup dancers are all basically making fun of her while they wait for her to arrive. Maybe they forgot that there were six cameramen in the room with them, and they were all mic&amp;#039;d up. Either way, once Sonja arrives, she decides that she&amp;#039;s just going to &amp;quot;wing it&amp;quot; for the majority of the performance, which I think is a great plan. At the end of the day, you should be making it up as you go for a crowd of 500 and television viewers in the 3.9 million range.  Sonja informs all of us that she has, in fact, Google&amp;#039;ed &amp;quot;1920&amp;#039;s sayings&amp;quot; but plans on just doing some freestyle &amp;quot;rapping&amp;quot; like she&amp;#039;s Eminem. For those of you on the edge of your seat, we&amp;#039;ll get to what she came up with in a few minutes, but in the meantime just know that she&amp;#039;s trying to figure out things that rhyme with &amp;quot;daddy-o&amp;quot; while spanking herself. Coincidently, I believe what we&amp;#039;re witnessing here is known as &amp;quot;the end of days.&amp;quot; And\u2014as if everything with Sonja can&amp;#039;t seem any more broken-down, she arrives in The Hamptons driving what I can only assume is a 1989 Mercedes convertible that was simply in &amp;quot;storage&amp;quot; until now. If by &amp;quot;in storage&amp;quot; she means &amp;quot;at the junkyard,&amp;quot; then we&amp;#039;re all on the same page.  Out of all of these shenanigans, I&amp;#039;d have to say that the unsung hero of the entire episode was Sonja&amp;#039;s intern &amp;quot;Pickles.&amp;quot; I mean, the name alone makes her a real winner in my mind, and she provided us with constant eye-rolls, sighs, and a half-dozen side-eyes every time Sonja spoke, &amp;quot;danced,&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;rapped.&amp;quot; Basically Pickles was our proxy, doing everything we were on our couches.  Meanwhile, Carole, Heather, and Kristen are all taking surfing lessons while other Hamptonites watch them film with visible disgust. The surf instructors were sure to place the fear of God in them while teaching them to surf on the sand. It was important that they all spent upwards of 10 minutes getting their wetsuits on because when you&amp;#039;re standing on your surfboard on the shore for .2 seconds, you really should look the part.   Once they were out in the water &amp;quot;stand-surfing,&amp;quot; Bravo upped their soundtrack budget and began to play the same music that was used in that episode of The Brady Bunch when the whole gang vacationed in Hawaii. I was just waiting for the jinxed Tiki to appear out of nowhere so that bad luck could ensue. I was also waiting for Spuds Mackenzie to float by on his own surfboard to really complete the beach blanket Bingo theme for me.   Later, it&amp;#039;s back to all things burlesque, and what better place to have a &amp;quot;performance&amp;quot; like this besides an empty airplane hangar? Sonja mentioned she had recently seen The Great Gatsby, and therefore wanted everyone to dress up like they were living in the 1920&amp;#039;s. I was just sad that she didn&amp;#039;t watch Goonies because the theme could have taken a giant turn... for the better. I mean, I want to live in a world where LuAnn is dressed up like Mama Fratelli. What? Like only Oprah (genuflect) is allowed to dream big?  Speaking of LuAnn, she is back! I was hoping the Happy Days fake audience applause would kick in once she entered the scene but, sadly, I was let down again. LuAnn flocked right on over to Kristen and immediately asked her what she did for a living. I was surprised Kristen didn&amp;#039;t respond with, &amp;quot;I film the Real Housewives; what do you do?&amp;quot; After Kristen says that she&amp;#039;s a model, she asks LuAnn if she &amp;quot;used to&amp;quot; model. Looks like someone needs to mind her manners and read up on Class With the Countess. I&amp;#039;m sure LuAnn still models. Up until four minutes ago, I was almost certain she was that lady in all the Chico&amp;#039;s commercials.  It&amp;#039;s finally time for Sonja to drag herself onstage and make me want to deny my citizenship. The &amp;quot;performance&amp;quot; is as bad as you&amp;#039;d imagine. It was almost like the time Britney Spears performed &amp;quot;Gimme More&amp;quot; at the MTV Music Awards. Sonja is just kind of talk-rap-shouted things like: &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m a GIRL... who likes PEARLS! I&amp;#039;m looking for a GUY... who wears a TIE.&amp;quot; I mean, I was just waiting for: &amp;quot;I do not like THEM, Sam I am. I do not like GREEN EGGS and HAM.&amp;quot; In conclusion, it was the best and worst thing my eyes and ears have ever witnessed, and I loved/hated every minute of it. Even the housewives in the audience were cringing and sweating while watching.  No one was more vocal about her distaste for Sonja&amp;#039;s performance then &amp;quot;image consultant&amp;quot; Amanda Sanders. First off: Who the hell is this woman, and why is she in almost every episode? Second of all, she appears to be sloppy drunk in most of her scenes, so I may officially like her more than Aviva. She&amp;#039;s slurring and loudly whispering to LuAnn\u2014truisms such as, &amp;quot;That&amp;#039;s what menopause looks like;\u2014while Sonja literally shakes her ass on stage a handful of times. She&amp;#039;s actually just saying what we&amp;#039;re all thinking.   After a few more scenes that are pointless to discuss, it&amp;#039;s the moment we&amp;#039;ve all been waiting for: LuAnn&amp;#039;s BBQ. Here&amp;#039;s to hoping for scenes of LuAnn tearing into some ribs all whilst sporting a Kool-Aid mustache. Once again, Amanda Sanders is there for reasons that are still unclear to me. I guess the producers are really trying to force that Amanda/Harry/Sonja faux-love-triangle down our throat. Within what seems like minutes Amanda is getting sauced so, well, there&amp;#039;s still hope for her yet.  Carole and LuAnn decide to bury the hatchet from their mini-brawl at last season&amp;#039;s reunion episode so LuAnn decides to bring up to Aviva and the rest of the girls that maybe a peace offering will be made by Carole to Aviva as well. Unlikely. At this point, Sonja decides to try and analyze #BookGate (do hashtags work here?) and does so drunkenly (allegedly). She&amp;#039;s says things like, &amp;quot;When you told Carole about your memoir she should have said &amp;#039;Hallelujah.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Really now? Is that what she should have said? Aviva is so pleased with Sonja that she stands up and kisses her directly on her lips for &amp;quot;getting it.&amp;quot; Does anyone really know what&amp;#039;s going on right now? I certainly don&amp;#039;t.   In the end, Carole enters the scene, and LuAnn tries to get her and Aviva to make up. Carole wants no part of this, but Sonja and Aviva just keep talking about it. Once again, Amanda Sanders (I have to use her full name at all times) slurs in her point and tries to school Heather on this entire topic. Here&amp;#039;s the thing: I wouldn&amp;#039;t mess with Heather. She means business, and I truly believe she could tear you to shreds. Why do you think I never make fun of her in these recaps? If she saw me on the streets of NYC, she&amp;#039;d most likely treat me like a zombie from The Walking Dead.  There&amp;#039;s also a whole discussion about Heather pointing her finger up when she is talking to Aviva versus pointing directly at her, but Amanda Sanders tells Heather to &amp;quot;Walk the f*** away.&amp;quot; Amanda Sanders takes her own advice and decides to leave the argument while LuAnn is clapping her hands and yelling &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m the hostess,&amp;quot; but not before muttering under her breath that she wants to &amp;quot;deck&amp;quot; Heather.  I love Heather because she basically chases Amanda Sanders onto the porch and starts yelling (with a smile) &amp;quot;You wanna deck me, honey? You might want to stand up straight first and then deck me.&amp;quot; Why this wasn&amp;#039;t used as Heather&amp;#039;s tagline in the opening credits is beyond me. The episode then fades to black, and &amp;quot;To be continued&amp;quot; flashes across the screen just like in a Who&amp;#039;s the Boss cliffhanger. Oh I&amp;#039;ll be tuning in... and rewatching this episode all 439 times Bravo will replay it this week (double on the weekend).  Read more from Patrick on his blog and follow him on Facebook and Twitter. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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