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"FacebookPinterestTitans One sheet.jpg \n\n Every Friday, our fearless cultural critics, armed with nothing but smartphones and hangovers, report live via email from an A.M. screening of what we believe will be the most horrible thing Hollywood has foisted on an unexpecting and undeserving American populace. It\u2019s like you\u2019re right there suffering with them. Except you\u2019re not.\n\nThis week: Dan Fierman and Alex Pappademas do battle with Clash of the Titans, featuring a non-blue Sam Worthington, a Voldermort-y Ralph Fiennes, and a deplorable lack of Kraken.\n\nDan Fierman: Is it really a Good Friday if a Kraken ISN\u2019T released?\n\n Alex Pappademas: Yes we Krak-can!\n\n Fierman: Big tech week for us. GQ is on the iPad, and WMEOTW is going 3D, BITCHES. We may stroke out midway through.**\n\n Pappademas: **I\u2019m feeling these horn-rimmed 3D glasses. Everyone in this theater looks like Justin Theroux.\n\nPappademas: What\u2019s the over-under on how long before some comic genius yells out RELEASE THE KRAKEN early?\n\n Pappademas: (premature eKrakenation)\n\n Fierman: &amp;quot;The oldest stories ever told were written in the stars.&amp;quot; Whereas the script for this movie was written on the back of a Denny\u2019s cocktail napkin.\n\n Pappademas: Yadda yadda Zeus Hades whatever. Enough Joseph Campbell! Make with the you-know-whating of the you-know-what!\n\n Fierman: First Kraken reference! Drink!\n\n Pappademas: Oh, man. Perseus\u2019 motivation=absent-dad drama w/ Zeus. I\u2019m remembering that when they showed the original version of this movie on TV it was about 6 hours long and half of it was shirtless Harry Hamlin talking to a horse.\n\nFacebookPinterestWorthington w:Sword.jpg \n\n Fierman: We have already had time jumps of twelve and five years. Number of Kraken appearances? Zero.\n\n Pappademas: Release the exposition!\n\n Fierman: These water scenes look like they were shot in a kiddie pool on the roof deck of my building.\n\n Pappademas: And ancient Greece looks like an ancient Greek-restaurant mural. Or Peter Jackson\u2019s Life of Brian.\n\n Fierman: So far we\u2019ve seen a column of smoke and a statue with only a foot. Next up, a mysterious hatch and a brain embolism for Damon Lindelof and Carleton Cuse.\n\n Pappademas: Serious question: How did Perseus get a buzz cut? Did they have electric razors in ancient Greece?\n\n Fierman: Yes. But they were primitive. They only went up to &amp;quot;two.&amp;quot;\n\n Pappademas: I just LOL\u2019d, non-figuratively, at first shot of Fiennes as Hades. He looks like one of the Psychlos from Battlefield Earth.\n\n Fierman: Whole lotta God talk. Not a lot of Krakens. Maybe they were right to release this on Good Friday.\n\n Pappademas: The Gods\u2014it is as if they are somehow not sane!\n\n Pappademas: Kinda wish Jerry Lewis was in this so we could hear him say HAAAAAAAA-DEEEEES.\n\n Pappademas: Plot! In ten days, Hades will Krakenate the island unless they sacrifice the chick from Reunion. End plot.\n\n Fierman: Ten days? That is some serious no-Kraken bullshit right there.\n\n Pappademas: That is some Krak-blocking, is what that is.\n\n Fierman: Sam Worthington has been in a TON of movies lately, including, y\u2019know, the biggest one in history. Yet I still don\u2019t think I could pick him out of a police lineup.\n\n Pappademas: Nor could you defeat him in a talking-like-Russell-Crowe contest.\n\nFacebookPinterestBow and Arrow.jpg \n\n Fierman: &amp;quot;You were born to kill the Kraken.&amp;quot; She says that to all the demigods. All of them.\n\n Pappademas: Mechanical owl from the original movie relegated to derisive cameo. The Ain\u2019t It Cool boards just popped a blood vessel.\n\n Fierman: We\u2019ve got a real menagerie of accents going here. Worthington is doing bad Aussie. Mads Mikkelsen sounds like a Croatian war criminal. And whoever this guy is who just showed up has the worst-a Italian accent-a I have ever heard.\n\n Pappademas: &amp;quot;Antonnnnnnnnio...Margheriiiiiiiiti.&amp;quot;\n\n Fierman: Hades\u2019 lair looks suspiciously like that S&amp;amp;M club the RNC got busted in a couple days back.\n\n Pappademas: Fiennes just shotgunned evil-fire into a dude\u2019s mouth. This movie is only going to get weirder, isn\u2019t it?\n\n Fierman: Considering a guy-can\u2019t-play-the-flute gag just got the biggest audience reaction thus far, I would say yes.\n\n Pappademas: I\u2019m really glad this scene of dudes sitting around a campfire playing flutes is in 3-D. I feel like I\u2019m right there. Sitting.\n\n Fierman: 45 minutes in. No action scenes. No Kraken. No Claymation. I AM DISAPPOINTED.\n\n Pappademas: Man on man swordfight. Just measure your dicks in cubits already, guys!\n\n Pappademas: Dude\u2019s chopped-off hand turns into a scorpion. I think Dick Cheney has the same power.\n\n Pappademas: Movie mystery: CGI can give us a goddamn giant scorpion, but they can\u2019t make a guy with a chopped-off hand not look like a guy with his hand inside his sleeve. Even Lucas couldn\u2019t do it well when they re-released Empire. Vexing.\n\n Fierman: Chopped off hand guy bites Worthington and he\u2019s down. Venomous bite: also a Cheney power.\n\n \n\n Pappademas: I am totally rooting for the scorpion, by the way.\n\n Fierman: &amp;quot;We must turn our hearts to Hades, it is the only way!&amp;quot; Line from Clash of the Titans...\n\n Pappademas: ...or Palin \u201912 bumpersticker?\n\n Fierman: Witches. Gigantic scorpions. Eclipses. Magic God swords. This is just a miraculous bit of nonsense, this movie is.\n\n Pappademas: Okay, not gonna lie\u2014charcoal-briquet-face Sandpeople riding giant scorpions is kind of unfuckwithable as a visual. The Bounty Hunter didn\u2019t have that.\n\n Fierman: Whoever designed the &amp;quot;rocky outcropping&amp;quot; Photoshop filter is making a killing on this movie. A KILLING.\n\n Pappademas: River Styx looks real, uh, Styxian. Somewhere Ray Harryhausen is like, &amp;quot;I could have done this with a cave and fifty bucks worth of dry ice.&amp;quot;\n\n Fierman: Kraken River Styx Medusa Zeus Titans. I swear they just ripped random pages from D\u2019Aulaire\u2019s Greek Myths and pasted them into Final Draft.\n\n Fierman: Hang on: I\u2019m confused, why is Zeus helping Worthington on his quest to kill Zeus?\n\n Pappademas: The ancient Greeks=undone by second-act problems.\n\n Fierman: Kraken Watch: STILL NO FUCKING KRAKEN\n\n Pappademas: &amp;quot;Someday someone was going to have to take a stand...Someone was going to have to say \u2019Enough.\u2019&amp;quot; Are we sure Perseus isn\u2019t descended from Previewlus, The Greek God of Trailer Lines?\n\nFacebookPinterestMedusa Head.jpg \n\n Pappademas: GET THIS POSEIDON-HUMPIN SNAKE LADY OUT MY MUTHAFUCKIN TEMPLE\n\n Pappademas: SNAKE LADY WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKE LADY\n\n Pappademas: SNAKE PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE\n\n Fierman: Creepy woodface dude just EXPLODED HIS OWN HEART to help kill Medusa. Blow me, every other Worst Movie Ever.\n\n Pappademas: I\u2019m seriously considering exploding my own heart to get out of this theater.\n\n Fierman: Give it time. It will happen all on its own.\n\n Fierman: &amp;quot;Perseus, you\u2019re not just part man, part god.&amp;quot; You\u2019re also part shark. And part alligator. Did Dr. Octagon do a revise on this script?\n\n Pappademas: &amp;quot;Oh, shit! There\u2019s a winged horse in the hospital!&amp;quot;\n\n Fierman: Come on Zeus. Say it. SAYYYY ITTT...\n\n Fierman: YES! IT\u2019S KRAK-A-LACKIN!\n\n Fierman: (and if you think I haven\u2019t been sitting on that all movie, you\u2019re crazy.)\n\n Pappademas: RE-RELEASE THE CLOVERFIELD\n\n Fierman: &amp;quot;Mr. Kraken, I\u2019m sure you get this all the time, but you look bigger on TV than in person.&amp;quot;\n\n Pappademas: It\u2019s not just part Rancor part octopus. Oh, no, wait. It\u2019s just that.\n\n Fierman: Dear everyone who ever plans to see this movie, I feel you ought to know that the fucking Kraken doesn\u2019t even MAKE IT OUT OF THE WATER before it gets fucking killed.\n\n Fierman: Pretty pathetic, Kraken. PRETTY PATHETIC.\n\n Pappademas: Advantage: Megashark.\n\n Fierman: I don\u2019t mean to dwell on this, but really, makers of this movie? No full Kraken shot? The scorpions busted the budget?\n\n Pappademas: Seriously, Louis Leterrier. DON\u2019T RATION THE KRAKEN.\n\n _\n\n (Want more misery? We also suffered through The Crazies, Repo Men and The Bounty Hunter!)_"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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