<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"FacebookPinterest\n\nnormally I enjoy reading stories about the villains of the recession, those unscrupulous cads who prey on people\u2019s debts\u00A0and desperations. Tales of their exploits and comic-book capture have a redemptive, gotcha quality. But I felt something different when I read about an insidious wave of \u201Ccareer marketers\u201D\u2014scam artists who are taking advantage of the newly unemployed by collecting huge fees, then doing little more than rewriting their r\u00E9sum\u00E9s. (One guy\u2019s bill was $8,250. Must have been an amazing r\u00E9sum\u00E9.) What I felt as I read all about it was shame. Because I once was that man. The evil one. It lasted two and a half days, and shaped the rest of my life.\n\nSince this recession is full of shysters confessing their sins, I offer my tale as a (way) belated apologia.\n\n I was fresh out of college, in debt and in need of a job, and the country was pulling itself out of a different recession when I responded to an alluring classified in The Washington Post. The ad was seeking a young \u201Cwriter\u201D and \u201Cself-starter.\u201D I thought: I can write! I can totally start my self! I pictured my boss as a genial lover of literature, the sort who might brush past my desk at five and ask, \u201CHow\u2019s that novella going?\u201D\n\n What the ad led me to was the sprawl of Rockville, Maryland, land of carpet emporiums and cheesecake factories, and to the shoddy, carpet-stapled offices of an \u201Cemployee consulting\u201D firm\u2014basically a glorified r\u00E9sum\u00E9-writing operation. I was hired on the spot, which I suppose is an encouraging sign from a company hawking access to jobs. And sure, if you want to get all technical about it, I was doling out career advice before I\u2019d ever had a career. Our office was tucked away in a strip mall, directly across from an Arby\u2019s, which lent the place instant credibility. Never far away? The curled promise of roast beef.\n\n My boss\u2014it was just the two of us\u2014was a chubby, subhygienic cheesecake eater whose stained jackets carried the crumbs and fallen memories of eight meals a day. (Years later, when I would read A Confederacy of Dunces, I would recognize him as Ignatius J. Reilly.) Ignatius tutored me on the philosophy of job consultation: These people who come to see you are desperate and hurting. You are here to give them hope. That, and to sell them on the best \u201Cpackage\u201D you can. Package 1, The Career Starter, simply involved rewriting their r\u00E9sum\u00E9s, using words like \u201Cdynamic\u201D and \u201Cactionable.\u201D Cost to the consumer: $550. Package 5, The Ecutive Care Package, was the delu treatment\u2014said r\u00E9sum\u00E9 to be printed on much better paper and trumped up with formal letters and follow-up notes to would-be employers (\u201CThank you for almost meeting with me today. I found the working environment at your offices extremely dynamic\u201D). Grand total: $1,450.\n\n The first day, I sat in and watched Ignatius work his magic\u2014one Ecutive Care Package sold to a big-dreamin\u2019 retail manager by noon. Ka-ching! By Day Two, I was on my own, with Ignatius hiding in the next room, supervising, and mostly eating Twizzlers.\n\n Soon, a middle-aged man came in and silently plopped in the chair next to me. I was terrified.\n\n \u201CYou people got any jobs?\u201D\n\n \u201CWell,\u201D I said, maybe a little too perkily, \u201Cwe don\u2019t have any jobs per se\u2014\u201D\n\n He just glared at me. \u201CWhat the f*** is purrrsay?\u201D\n\n Clearly he did not enjoy my dynamic nature.\n\n \u201CWell, it\u2019s a Latin phrase meaning \u2018intrinsically\u2019 or \u2018in and of itself.\u2019 But if you\u2019re look\u2014\u201D\n\n He was already gone.\n\n Ignatius came out of hiding in a disappointed waddle. \u201CNot so great,\u201D he said. \u201CYou scared him off!\u201D He pointed to the door meaningfully. Was I getting fired? On this, my second day?\n\n \u201CArby\u2019s?\u201D\n\n We strolled across the parking lot, and, over a three-course midday supper, Ignatius tried to teach me how to sell: \u201CDon\u2019t intimidate. Don\u2019t try to be so...smart-y. You can do a lot with your eyes.\u201D\n\n I don\u2019t know if it was Ignatius, his eyes, or the tantalizing pressed-beef sandwich, but I came back to the office ready to kill.\n\n The next morning I got my chance.\n\n A morose bear of a guy named Mike shuffled in with his wife, and together they told me his sob story. He\u2019d been laid off as the manager of a carpet store. Couldn\u2019t find work, couldn\u2019t sleep. She said some nights he\u2019d been driven to tears, and it was hard for her, too. I explained the power of The Career Starter and let my eyes do the work, conveying empathy and the exciting opportunities awaiting Mike\u2019s signature.\n\n \u201CI feel pretty confident we can help you get back in the game.\u201D\n\n I heard Ignatius cough. This was a sign to go in for the kill.\n\n \u201CHave I told you about The Ecutive Care Package?\u201D\n\nMan, I pushed that package like I believed it would not only save them; it would ignite my own self-starting life. I must have been channeling Ignatius\u2014I was on fire. The guy bought the damn thing, too. Acted like we were doing him a favor.\n\n Somewhere in the cosmos there walks a man named Mike to whom I owe a whopping $1,450.\n\n It was left to Ignatius to close the deal, to drum up the letters and dream up the adjectives. I took an interminable lunch break that Dark Wednesday that caused me to drive very, very far away. In fact, I could not bring myself to return to the office. I won\u2019t go back to Rockville, and I like to think I\u2019m still on that lunch break."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/jim-nelson-october-2009?currentPage=2>