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" I&amp;#039;ve worked with many people in different end-of-life and palliative care settings, from 10-year-old children to a woman who lived well into her 98th year. My aim as an end-of-life doula is to create an environment where the sorts of questions that no one has felt able to ask are broached and discussed.   No matter what someone is asking, the most important thing is that they are heard. That their pain and anguish, their hopes and dreams, their worries and their fears are all given a voice. When a person at the end of their life is talking, the greatest gift we can give them is to listen. Here are the most common questions I&amp;#039;m asked, and how I respond.   1. Am I going to die? The end of life is not the time for euphemisms or skirting around difficult truths. It&amp;#039;s the time for honest, open communication, for compassion, empathy and reassurance. It&amp;#039;s this that allows a person to choose what to do next, and brings a degree of control. Honesty affords someone the chance to live out their days on their own terms. Of course, I could say &amp;#039;Yes, we&amp;#039;re all going to die someday&amp;#039; to anyone who asked.  Armed with a life-limiting diagnosis, however, this affirmation takes on a whole different meaning. In some cases, a patient will not actually hear the words &amp;#039;You are dying&amp;#039; from their doctor. To a layman, medical jargon is a confusing whirl of alien terms that mask the reality of the situation. Nobody wants to be the one to tell someone they&amp;#039;re dying and no one wants those words to be said to them, but it&amp;#039;s necessary and it&amp;#039;s true.&amp;#039;You&amp;#039;re dying&amp;#039; sounds brutally blunt, but it allows the person to comprehend and process that their life is ending.   2. When am I going to die?   This is an impossible question to answer. Every illness is different, every person is different. Life-limiting illness is unpredictable. There are no definite answers and it&amp;#039;s essential to admit this and be honest.    3. How much pain will I be in? Is it going to hurt?  Pain medication in both palliative and end-of-life care is excellent, but it can often take time and some trial and error to find what works for each individual. There will probably be some pain, I tell people, but we&amp;#039;ll do all we can to minimise it.   Effective pain management is always made easier when there&amp;#039;s good communication between patient and carer. Listening is probably the most important skill the medical team can have. Listening to what has been said - and to what has not.  4. Why me?   The dying often ask the unanswerable. But they are important questions to ask aloud. They need to be given a voice. They must be heard even though they cannot be answered. Disease can manifest and develop at random or be as a result of lifestyle. Yet telling a life-long smoker that they&amp;#039;re dying because of the choices they&amp;#039;ve made is not necessary or helpful. And it certainly doesn&amp;#039;t change the outcome or make anyone feel any better.   A woman I worked with had started smoking in her early teens. At 87 she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She&amp;#039;d often ask &amp;#039;Why is this happening to me?&amp;#039; and then without pausing, tell me &amp;#039;I know why&amp;#039;. I didn&amp;#039;t need to say anything. I just needed to be there to listen.    5. What will happen after I die?   Belief is so personal and individual. Try to hold onto what belief you have, the belief you&amp;#039;ve always had, I say. It is human nature to query and to question, and wavering is entirely normal. No matter what they hold onto or let go of, the only important part is finding peace in the here and now. Today is what counts.  6. Do I need to do anything?  People often ask if there&amp;#039;s anything that they &amp;#039;need&amp;#039; to do. I always ask them if they feel there are things that they &amp;#039;want&amp;#039; to do. In many ways, at end-of-life, there&amp;#039;s nothing that needs to be done. Dying isn&amp;#039;t a time of doing - it&amp;#039;s a time of letting go.   7. Will everyone else be OK?  The dying want to know their loved ones will cope with their death and their absence. Parents want to be reassured their children will be looked after. They want to know they&amp;#039;ll be missed, but not so much that life cannot continue. Who is going to feed my cat or walk my dog? I offer comfort by helping find solutions and just by hearing their concerns. I strive to bring the family together to talk through worries, facilitating honest conversations to find resolutions and ease minds.    8. Am I a burden?  There is often concern around being a burden, but also concern that their needs will be met. They need to know they&amp;#039;ll be looked after with dignity and respect. They want reassurance, peace and calm. And they want to know they are safe.   9. Do I have time for one last\u2026?  Will I be able to go swimming again? Can I see the sea and paddle in the ocean? Often people long for &amp;#039;one last&amp;#039;. Others just want to sleep in their own bed with all the familiar sounds and smells of home. I will always do all I can do fulfil someone&amp;#039;s &amp;#039;lasts&amp;#039;. Sometimes it&amp;#039;s just enough to plan it. Knowing that you&amp;#039;re able to, allowed to even, is enough. Being given &amp;#039;permission&amp;#039; to control what you want to do, and indeed what you will do, at life&amp;#039;s end is incredibly important.  10. Can I make amends?  Regrets and the desire to make amends often come up. Regret for all the things they didn&amp;#039;t do, rather than things they did. I just listen.  11. Can I still be me?  They ask if they&amp;#039;re still lovable. If they&amp;#039;re still sexy. They still want to have sex: to love and be loved. They ask if it&amp;#039;s possible to maintain intimate relationships. They want to feel like themselves and be seen as their normal old selves. I&amp;#039;ve lost count of the number of times I&amp;#039;ve been told &amp;#039;I just want to be treated like I&amp;#039;m me,&amp;#039; or &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;m me, I&amp;#039;m not my disease.&amp;#039;\u00A0 Find out more about what Anna does as an end-of-life doula here...  To get in touch with Anna, find her on Twitter, or at endoflifedoula.co.uk  Sign up for our weekly newsletter for the latest healthy living advice and news  "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/wellbeing/news/a26126/11-most-common-questions-before-death/>