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" You choose the person whom you marry, but you don&amp;#039;t choose your in-laws, and I was extremely lucky to end up with mine. We all get along very well, which is fortunate, because I live right around the corner from my husband&amp;#039;s parents, and I mean right around the corner. You don&amp;#039;t even have to cross the street; I see them multiple times each month. Obviously, though, many people aren&amp;#039;t in such happy circumstances. Relationship problems with in-laws are among the most common happiness challenges \u2014 whether people are complaining about their spouse&amp;#039;s parents or about their kids&amp;#039; spouses. In-laws have a unique power to drive us crazy. If you have a challenging relationship with your in-laws, or even your own parents, consider these eight strategies. (They apply, of course, only if the relatives in question aren&amp;#039;t actually abusive, dangerous, or so malicious that it&amp;#039;s just not possible to be around them.) Assuming that they aren&amp;#039;t quite that horrible, here are some points to consider in building your relationship \u2014 or mending it. 1. Remember the &amp;quot;mere exposure effect&amp;quot; Contrary to the well-known saying that &amp;quot;familiarity breeds contempt,&amp;quot; in fact, familiarity breeds affection. The &amp;quot;mere exposure effect&amp;quot; means that repeated exposure makes people like faces, music \u2014 even nonsense syllables \u2014 better. The more often you see another person, the more intelligent and attractive you tend to find that person. Instead of avoiding your mother-in-law, take the time to see her and talk to her. You may start getting along better if you engage with her more often. 2. Act the way you want to feel  Counterintuitive as it may sound, the way you feel is very much influenced by the way you act. Before an encounter with your in-laws, take the time to put yourself in a friendly, calm frame of mind, or at least try to act that way when you see them. If you go into a situation acting angry, defensive, or suspicious, you&amp;#039;ll invoke that emotion in yourself and likely provoke a negative reaction from others. If you&amp;#039;re feeling more lighthearted, you won&amp;#039;t be as quick to take offense. Also, if you expect that a particular encounter may be especially trying, take steps to be in good physical condition. Your body has a big influence on your emotions, and you&amp;#039;ll cope better with a difficult person if you&amp;#039;ve had enough sleep, if you&amp;#039;re not hungry, and if you haven&amp;#039;t had too much to drink.  3. Do something nice for the difficult person It&amp;#039;s really true: Do good, feel good. Plan a birthday party; cook a favorite food; e-mail a photo of the kids&amp;#039; art project. By acting in a thoughtful, loving way, you&amp;#039;ll help yourself feel more thoughtful and loving. You&amp;#039;ll also inspire the difficult person to feel more loving toward you.  4. Act in accordance with your own values One of the mysteries of human nature is that when we accept ourselves, other people tend to accept us. When we don&amp;#039;t accept ourselves, people tend to pester us. If you know your own values, and live according to them, people&amp;#039;s pointed remarks don&amp;#039;t sting nearly as much and, strangely, they often back off. For example, although she rarely brings it up, I know my mother-in-law wishes my children dressed in more classic kids&amp;#039; clothes: corduroy jumpers, tasteful dresses, etc. And, truth be told, that&amp;#039;s what I would like them to wear, too. But that&amp;#039;s not what my daughters like. The big one wants to be more fashionable; the little one favors sparkles, sequins, and bright colors.  A long time ago, I decided, &amp;quot;Within the boundaries of cost and age-appropriateness, I&amp;#039;ll let my daughters dress the way they like. This isn&amp;#039;t an issue on which my taste must prevail.&amp;quot; Most of the messages we give to children involve &amp;quot;no,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;don&amp;#039;t,&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;stop.&amp;quot; In this area, I&amp;#039;m willing to say yes. Because I&amp;#039;m living according to my own values, it doesn&amp;#039;t bother me that my mother-in-law doesn&amp;#039;t approve. I believe in my approach. So if you&amp;#039;re annoyed by someone&amp;#039;s remarks about your household decor, your income, your cooking, your work habits, your cleaning habits, your life decisions (starting a family, choosing where to live, buying a kitten), ask yourself, Am I living according to my own values? If you are, criticism will slide off more easily.  5. Try to ease contention over children Samuel Johnson wrote, &amp;quot;All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.&amp;quot; In keeping with this philosophy, I decided, If it&amp;#039;s not actually harmful, I&amp;#039;ll let others take care of my daughters in their own way. A friend of mine mdash; an educational-and-wooden-toys-only, no-TV type of parent \u2014 was furious when her mother-in-law bought her daughter a My Little Pony pony. They had a huge fight about it. Do you really want that? Some arguments are worth having, and other issues are worth letting slide.  6. Remember \u2014 and respect \u2014 grandparent privilege When my sister and I were young, my grandmother would buy us any junk food we wanted and let us stay up until midnight watching TV. We loved it. Did these questionable practices do us any lasting harm? No. And we didn&amp;#039;t expect junk food or midnight TV at home, either. Grandparents get to be indulgent. Or to be super-strict, or to have weird rules. That&amp;#039;s grandparent privilege.  7. Think about your spouse or your child You&amp;#039;re in a relationship with this difficult in-law because of someone you love. What&amp;#039;s best for that person? Do you need to try to break the tension? Change the subject? Bite your tongue? Endure excruciating boredom? Sometimes you can behave nicely for the sake of someone else&amp;#039;s happiness, even if, left to your own devices, you&amp;#039;d be very happy to pitch a fit. 8. Focus on the positive  Reflecting on reasons to feel grateful toward your in-laws \u2014 or your parents, if that relationship is strained \u2014 instead of reasons to be angry or annoyed will help you change your view. Remember happy shared experiences; recalling good times will help warm your feelings. At the very least, your in-law is the parent of your spouse, or the beloved of your child. Look for the good. Appreciate what the person does. Try to make jokes. It could probably be worse! Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don&amp;#039;t tell me how to deal with my difficult in-laws \u2014 they only tell me how to behave myself. Very true! While it&amp;#039;s tempting to think about how much happier you&amp;#039;d be if other people would just behave properly, the fact is, you can&amp;#039;t change other people; you can only change yourself.  What strategies have helped you deal with in-laws (either the parents of your spouse or the spouses of your kids)? E-mail me at gretchen@goodhousekeeping.com, and share your experiences. Happiness Thought for May G.K. Chesterton wrote, &amp;quot;It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.&amp;quot; Look for the good. Try to keep a sense of proportion \u2014 and a sense of humor! "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/advice/a18676/happiness-project-mother-in-law-problems/>