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" There are a handful of obviously wrong, damaging and terrible things to say to a child (&amp;quot;I wish I never had you&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re the reason we&amp;#039;re getting a divorce&amp;quot; count among them). But it may surprise you to discover that some seemingly harmless phrases can trigger resentment, dent self-esteem or bring up other less-than-desirable sentiments in your kids. Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time\u2026,notes, &amp;quot;We have the best of intentions, but often we say things to our kids without thought to how it&amp;#039;s being perceived by the child.&amp;quot; Here, 10 phrases you should think twice about before repeating to your kids.   1. &amp;quot;I know you can try harder.&amp;quot; Frustrated by a daughter who you know is capable of much more in school, sports, music, etc.? While you (hopefully!) aren&amp;#039;t saying such obviously hurtful things as &amp;quot;You are so lazy!&amp;quot;, any comment that makes it seem as though you&amp;#039;re not satisfied with her efforts can not only be discouraging to your child, it can also do the opposite of motivating her to try harder, says McCready. If your &amp;quot;try harder&amp;quot; has to do with tasks or chores, be clear about what you expect: &amp;quot;When you have your room cleaned up, then you can go out and play.&amp;quot; If you&amp;#039;re talking about academics, &amp;quot;take note of times she does go the extra mile,&amp;quot; such as: &amp;quot;Wow! That extra time spent on your book report really shows!&amp;quot;   2. &amp;quot;Are you sure you need that second cupcake?&amp;quot; Yikes. You have good intentions\u2014keeping your child fit and healthy\u2014but you&amp;#039;re better off steering clear of any talk that might foster a negative body image, says McCready. If you&amp;#039;re worried about what your child eats at home, use actions, not words, such as stocking your kitchen with healthy foods rather than junk and emphasizing family physical activity like after-dinner walks. That way, if there are cupcakes at a party, your child&amp;#039;s fine to indulge. And walk the walk yourself; you mix your message if you tell your kid to keep his hands out of the cookie jar while you&amp;#039;re inhaling potato chips. Incidentally, the same goes for telling your child that he&amp;#039;s a &amp;quot;great&amp;quot; eater; try to avoid labels (he&amp;#039;s my picky child; she&amp;#039;s such an adventurous eater; this one needs to stay away from treats) because &amp;quot;you never want to turn food into a power issue,&amp;quot; says McCready. As best you can, keep food-related comments specific and positive: &amp;quot;Wow, I see you tried the squash soup!&amp;quot;   3. &amp;quot;You always\u2026&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;You never\u2026&amp;quot; Undeniably, it&amp;#039;s tempting\u2014almost a reflex at times\u2014to spit out an always (&amp;quot;You always forget to put your socks in the hamper!&amp;quot;) or a never (&amp;quot;You never remember to call me when you&amp;#039;re running late!&amp;quot;). But be careful because those two words are a minefield, says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. &amp;quot;At the heart of &amp;#039;You always&amp;#039; and &amp;#039;You never&amp;#039; statements are labels that can stick for life.&amp;quot; Kids become what we tell them they are, so telling your child that he &amp;quot;always&amp;quot; forgets to call makes him more likely to be the kid who, you guessed it, never calls. Instead, ask your child how you can help him or her change: &amp;quot;I notice you seem to have trouble remembering to bring home your textbooks. What can we do to try to help you remember?&amp;quot; suggests Dr. Berman.  4. &amp;quot;Why can&amp;#039;t you be more like your sister/brother?&amp;quot; Siblings and rivalry go hand in hand\u2014and anything you say that sets up comparisons only fuels that natural flame, says McCready. If you&amp;#039;re saying, for example, &amp;quot;Your brother is practicing piano and he sounds great\u2014why can&amp;#039;t you do that?&amp;quot; you&amp;#039;re essentially telling your child that piano is his brother&amp;#039;s thing, and he&amp;#039;s not measuring up. &amp;quot;Comparisons slot siblings into categories\u2014the smart one, the athlete\u2014and discourage kids from trying the thing their sibling is &amp;#039;good&amp;#039; at.&amp;quot; Try instead to encourage each child in whatever pursuits are &amp;quot;his&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;hers,&amp;quot; while avoiding comparisons.   5. &amp;quot;I told you waiting until the last minute was a mistake!&amp;quot; You repeatedly informed your middle-schooler that if he played video games all afternoon, he&amp;#039;d have less time to study for the math test. And guess what? He stayed up too late, went to school sleepy and unprepared, and didn&amp;#039;t do as well as he could have on the exam. But any time you say &amp;quot;I told you so&amp;quot; to your child, you&amp;#039;re in effect telling him you&amp;#039;re always right, and by contrast he&amp;#039;s often wrong or a screw-up, says McCready. When he comes home with the poor grade, resist the &amp;quot;I told you so&amp;quot; urge and instead ask him if the two of you could brainstorm some smarter ways to study the next time. Also, &amp;quot;point out the positives that occur when he does follow through,&amp;quot; says McCready. For example, if he cleans up his room when asked, saying &amp;quot;Isn&amp;#039;t it easier to find all your stuff when your room&amp;#039;s tidy?&amp;quot; puts the control and the credit with him\u2014not you.   6. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re the best at soccer!&amp;quot; It may seem obvious that denigrating your child&amp;#039;s efforts (&amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re no artist!&amp;quot;) can be damaging, but in fact, even the positive pronouncements can be bad because they are limiting, says McCready. &amp;quot;Say you always tell your child how smart she is. She may, over time, become scared of trying new things or more challenging work, for fear she won&amp;#039;t be &amp;#039;smart&amp;#039; anymore if she gets a B instead of an A.&amp;quot; It can also backfire if your child is struggling with work and you say, &amp;quot;But you&amp;#039;re so smart!&amp;quot; She may only feel worse for not living up to the label you&amp;#039;ve given her. But what if your child is not a great soccer player? If she enjoys it, that&amp;#039;s enough. But if she feels she&amp;#039;s not good at it, she may be less likely to try a different sport later on, says McCready. Focus instead on her hard work: &amp;quot;You show up to every practice and try your best,&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;What a fantastic job on this science project!&amp;quot;   7. &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t worry\u2014the first day of school will be fine.&amp;quot; What&amp;#039;s wrong with trying to soothe an anxious kid out of worry? &amp;quot;If you tell your child not to worry, you&amp;#039;re dismissing her feelings,&amp;quot; says Dr. Berman. &amp;quot;So now, she&amp;#039;s still worried about the first day of school, and she&amp;#039;s worried that she&amp;#039;s worried, or that you&amp;#039;re upset over her worry.&amp;quot; Same goes for &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t cry&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t be angry.&amp;quot; Instead, say, &amp;quot;I can see you&amp;#039;re worried. Can you tell me what you&amp;#039;re most concerned about, so we can talk about it?&amp;quot;   8. &amp;quot;Because I said so!&amp;quot; We&amp;#039;ve all been there\u2014you just need to get out the door and you don&amp;#039;t have time to explain why you need to switch off the computer and head to a family event/doctor&amp;#039;s appointment/religious obligation. &amp;quot;Because I said so,&amp;quot; puts all the control in your hands, and dismisses your child&amp;#039;s growing sense of autonomy and ability to figure things out, says Dr. Berman. &amp;quot;Because I said so&amp;quot; also leaves out a potential teaching moment. Let&amp;#039;s say your kids don&amp;#039;t want to visit their aging great-aunt on a sunny day when they&amp;#039;d rather ride their bikes. &amp;quot;Because I said so&amp;quot; only makes them feel less in control of what they are able to do. Instead, try, &amp;quot;I know you&amp;#039;d rather ride your bike, but Aunt Clara really loves seeing you, and we try our best to honor our family.&amp;quot; That way, even if they continue to grumble, they know their feelings matter; plus, they&amp;#039;ve learned a valuable lesson about how you conduct yourselves as a family.   9. &amp;quot;I wish you didn&amp;#039;t hang out with Jack; I don&amp;#039;t like that kid.&amp;quot; Yeah, a lot of parents don&amp;#039;t like &amp;quot;that kid,&amp;quot; for whatever reason, but &amp;quot;the moment you tell your child that &amp;#039;that kid&amp;#039; is not your favorite, he becomes more appealing,&amp;quot; says Dr. Berman. Evaluate, first, what you don&amp;#039;t like about Jack. Is he just not your cup of tea, or does he present some sort of danger you don&amp;#039;t want your child exposed to? If it&amp;#039;s the former, grit your teeth. If it&amp;#039;s the latter, though, &amp;quot;Ask your child some open-ended questions,&amp;quot; says Dr. Berman. &amp;quot;What do you like about hanging out with Jack? What do you guys do?&amp;quot; The idea is to keep the lines of communication open between you two, and hopefully spark discussion about values, right and wrong, and so on.   10. &amp;quot;That&amp;#039;s not how you do it! Here, let me.&amp;quot; You asked your child to stir the soup, or fold the towels, or wash the car. Sure, you want the help\u2014but then she kind of does a not-so-great job. Depending on how much of a perfectionist you are, it can be tough to hold yourself back from just jumping in and taking the task back, &amp;quot;But that&amp;#039;s a mistake, because then she never learns how, and is less likely to try anything else you ask down the line,&amp;quot; says Dr. Berman. If you can stand messy folding or a less than clean car, let it go. Or, you can step in but in a collaborative rather than dismissive way: &amp;quot;Here, let me show you a neat trick my mom taught me about folding towels!&amp;quot; "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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