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"  The Google searches a girl ends up doing at Cosmo can be pretty inappropriate. NSFW has a totally different threshold around here, where everything is SFW. Still, I was taken aback when I searched recently for &amp;quot;gag bracelet.&amp;quot; My intent was to find bracelets that were gag gifts, but instead I got results like &amp;quot;Ball Gag Adjustable Bondage for Slave Fetish SEX Love Games,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Fetish Fantasy Bondage Spider Open Mouth O-ring Gag,&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;Full Head Harness Mask Gag Bondage,&amp;quot; to name a few. Excusez-moi, say what now? I work in an office where lube and virators sit out among coffee cups and candy wrappers, but seeing women with ball gags in their mouths still scares the crap out of me. That is an immediate browser window close (CTL-W! CTL-W! HURRY UP!), followed by an aggressive flip of the head to make sure no one saw what was on my screen. I&amp;#039;m probably a ways away, sexually speaking, from ball gags, but I have dabbled with beginner-level bondage and sadomasochism \u2014 the usual stuff like handcuffs and leashes (yay, now I know how my dog feels). I wouldn&amp;#039;t call it an official fetish. It more or less has felt like play acting. When it comes to kinks, I&amp;#039;m more of the &amp;quot;spank me&amp;quot; variety, which appalled Dustin when I first mentioned it. &amp;quot;No! That&amp;#039;s too demeaning,&amp;quot; he said, refusing to do as I asked. &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t want to disrespect you.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;But I like it,&amp;quot; I said, my face in full-on sad puppy dog mode. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m sorry,&amp;quot; he said. &amp;quot;I just can&amp;#039;t do that to you.&amp;quot; Dustin seemed to err on the side of propriety when it came to sex. No dick pics, no noises really ever, no facials, and, as I was so disappointed to discover, no spanking. Imagine my surprise when, during a weekend sex session, Dustin grabbed my hair and put his hand around my neck, pulling back my head until I got short of breath. Ooooohhhhh, okay! I can work with this, I thought. Evidently, it was working for him too (everybody&amp;#039;s happy), but when I later brought it up that he was into dominating me, he played dumb. &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t know what you&amp;#039;re talking about,&amp;quot; he said, and talk of it ended there, though the choking and hair pulling and pinning down, in practice, did not. Throughout our exterior lives, Dustin and I relate to each other almost as equals \u2014 almost because I am more of the decider than he is. I make plans, I initiate conversations. When we first started having sex, it was the same. I was the one suggesting new positions and places, changing up outfits and foreplay. The balance has since shifted, and I have to say I&amp;#039;m relieved. What gets expressed during sex seems to be all the things we can&amp;#039;t or won&amp;#039;t say in broad daylight, and for my part, I&amp;#039;m grateful that even without his being able to articulate it, Dustin finds between us a space in which he can free up some of that shit: the need for power, control, my submission, and, somewhere in that mix, love. I&amp;#039;ve been catching myself absentmindedly doing this thing lately. I&amp;#039;ll cup my hand on my neck, fingers over my Adam&amp;#039;s apple, thumb going up the muscle on the side. I&amp;#039;ll hold it there for a beat or two before I realize what&amp;#039;s happening, and then another second goes by before I release my grip. Can a &amp;quot;spank me&amp;quot; girl change her stripes? Seems so. Color me reformed. Read Helin&amp;#039;s earlier &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m With Him&amp;quot; columns here. Photo credit: Getty Images/Tara Rice "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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