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" Welcome back to our weekly survey of what&amp;#039;s goin&amp;#039; down in the several states where, as we know, the real work of governmentin&amp;#039; gets done, and where the ghosts of electricity howl in the bones of my face. Before we get along to the week&amp;#039;s Big Funny, and out of its deep devotion to public service, the blog would like to post a job opportunity for some ambitious \u2014 or, perhaps, less than ambitious, now that I think about it \u2014 reader. &amp;quot;Since it&amp;#039;s not unlikely with this audience, would a felony conviction preclude you from this contract?&amp;quot; asked Rose Habib, an analytical chemist from a marijuana testing lab in Missoula, Mont. The answer: It depends. A pot-related conviction is probably fine, but a &amp;quot;heinous felony,&amp;quot; not so much, responded John Farley, a procurement coordinator with the Liquor Control Board. (Note to newspaper photo editors: when covering this story, it is not necessary to tell all your photographers to seek out only the freaky-deaky. It really is a public-policy issue, and not the hophead episode of Dragnet.)  The job requires a knowledge of botany and chemistry. It also requires a promise that the person hired will, in all cases, abide. Elsewhere, things are not anywhere near as mellow. The evidence out in the country that the vaunted Republican move toward &amp;quot;moderation&amp;quot; is pretty much limited to various cable green rooms. In the states, the party has fallen Rand over teakettle in a scramble to let its freak flag fly as high and proud as possible. Just for fun, let&amp;#039;s start in Tennessee, where legislators have spared no expense in the battle against the gay underground menace. The author, one Stacey Campfield, is a real warrior in this cause. The new bill also adds a requirement that counselors inform the parents or guardians of the student if they determine that issues related to the child&amp;#039;s sexuality &amp;quot;present immediate and urgent safety issues.&amp;quot; The bill does not define what those issues are, but Campfield said almost any sexual act would qualify. &amp;quot;Being gay is not a dangerous activity,&amp;quot; he said. &amp;quot;The act of homosexuality is very dangerous to someone&amp;#039;s health and safety.&amp;quot; But Campfield&amp;#039;s legislative hijinks are not limited to the construction of newer and better closets. Oh, no, indeedy, in what may be an unprecedented experiment here in the laboratories, Campfield also has contributed a punitive, retrograde law on an entirely different topic. Well done, Senator Stacey! You&amp;#039;re a credit to your buzzcut. &amp;quot;We&amp;#039;ve set the tone (through legislation) to push and improve teachers and schools,&amp;quot; Campfield said. &amp;quot;Now is the time to push those parents. This bill is giving them motivation to do more to help their children learn in school...If the family doesn&amp;#039;t care if the child goes to school or does well in school, the odds of that child getting out of poverty are pretty low.&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s not that they have absolutely no idea why other human beings do what other human beings do. It&amp;#039;s that they don&amp;#039;t care to learn. Kids unable to learn, perhaps because of the obvious nutritional deficiencies endemic to poverty? The way to get their grades up is to make getting food harder! Scoreboard! (Customary wingnut rejoinder? Doritos! Malt liquor! Affirmative action!) This is the way that Senator Stacey thinks the world works. Representative Stacey also believes a lot of other cool stuff, like where AIDS came from. &amp;quot;Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community \u2014 it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall...&amp;quot;My understanding is that it is virtually \u2014 not completely, but virtually \u2014 impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex...very rarely [transmitted]...What&amp;#039;s the average lifespan of a homosexual? it&amp;#039;s very short. Google it yourself.&amp;quot; And race relations. &amp;quot;My understanding is that the KKK doesn&amp;#039;t even ban members by race,&amp;quot; said Rep. Stacey Campfield, adding that the KKK &amp;quot;has less racist bylaws&amp;quot; than the black lawmakers&amp;#039; group. And government bureaucracy.  &amp;quot;At least we would see how many lives are being ended out there by abortions,&amp;quot; Mr. Campfield said. And gun control. Pointing to last year&amp;#039;s Virginia Tech shootings in which a gunman shot 32 people, Rep. Campfield said when &amp;quot;these people go on shooting sprees, it&amp;#039;s like shooting fish in a barrel because there&amp;#039;s no one there to defend themselves. We have campuses in Tennessee that don&amp;#039;t even allow their security personnel to carry a gun.&amp;quot; And supporting embattled fellow Republicans. Get to know Senator Stacey better. Because, I will guarantee you, if he decides to step up and run for office, the national Republican party will line up right behind him. He&amp;#039;s the farm team, working things out in Triple A before he gets to be Louie Gohmert&amp;#039;s teammate up in the show. But let&amp;#039;s move along west and let Senator Stacey stew in his own, well, juices, and we find ourselves in where-the-fck-else Arizona, and we also seem to find ourselves in 1952. All public high-school seniors would have to recite an oath supporting the U.S. Constitution to be able to graduate, under a proposal in House Bill 2467 sponsored by Rep. Bob Thorpe, R-Flagstaff. And all students in first through 12th grades would have to say the pledge of allegiance each day if House Bill 2284, sponsored by Rep. Steve Smith, R-Maricopa, passes. The many people in Arizona not overly nostalgic for the days of Red Channels raised a little he\u2014double-hockey-sticks, so Representative Thorpe threw things into reverse right quickly. Since filing his bill, Thorpe is having second thoughts about the reach of his proposal and concerns about reaction from students, and says he is planning to amend his oath bill to make it optional and not mandatory. &amp;quot;Since developing this idea, it has continued to evolve,&amp;quot; the freshman lawmaker said via e-mail. &amp;quot;In that we had a tight deadline for dropping our bills, I was not able to update the language.&amp;quot; Translation From The Original Weaselspeak: How did this go national? Jeebus Christmas, mother, the internet, how does it work, anyway? And we finish in Idaho, where the Dumbass Analogies Extension Service seems to have a thriving franchise going. ...a North Idaho senator has sent out a mass email and posted a message on Twitter comparing the role of insurance companies to &amp;quot;the Jews boarding the trains to concentration camps,&amp;quot; saying the federal government is using private insurers and in the future will &amp;quot;pull the trigger&amp;quot; on them...Sen. Sheryl Nuxoll, R-Cottonwood, defends her analogy. &amp;quot;I just want people to hear the truth and to be aware that what is being presented before us is a socialistic program,&amp;quot; Nuxoll said Wednesday. &amp;quot;There is no disrespect for any group or people with the analogy. ... I just want people to know the truth.&amp;quot; Now, you would think that Senator Sheryl&amp;#039;s fellow Republicans might start edging away from her politely and, ultimately, start pointing at her from across the street and telling their children to avoid the lady across the street who&amp;#039;s loudly flunking history to various passersby. But, no, they are a compassionate lot, these Idaho Republicans. Senate President Pro-Tem Brent Hill R-Rexburg, said he doesn&amp;#039;t fault her. &amp;quot;This is a very emotional issue for a lot of people,&amp;quot; Hill said. &amp;quot;There&amp;#039;s a lot of &amp;#039;stuff&amp;#039; going around, a lot of information, a lot of viewpoints being expressed. As we get closer to making that decision, the rhetoric&amp;#039;s going to get more dramatic.&amp;quot; The Republicans are reforming. Honest. Just ask David Frum. Give Senator Sheryl and Senator Stacey a fat 501 (c) 3, and they&amp;#039;re on CNN in three years. This is your democracy, America. Cherish it. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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