<http://schema.org/articleBody>
" FROM: Abou Zeid (azeid@alqaeda.com)TO: Accounts Payable (accounts-payable@alqaeda.com)RE: AL-QAEDA REGIONAL APPLICATION FOR EXEMPTION FOR LOST RECEIPTSSENT: December 30, 2013 10:19 a.m. It has come to our attention that expense reimbursement reports for fiscal 2013 are due at December 31st, 2013 at noon. (Please forgive the late notice, this email wound up in our spam folder). I hope you will understand that due to the rigors of waging Jihad, my unit operating in Timbuktu, Mali has unfortunately had to put off paperwork and we find ourselves scrambling a bit to close the year&amp;#039;s business. It seems, as we evaluate our books at this year end that several items are missing, including receipts for all typically reimbursable items, for reasons beyond out control (please see the November mission update titled: &amp;quot;I Think They Found Us, I Really Think They Are Going To Kill Us All.&amp;quot;) Although several of our younger, more ardent members attempted to save our cache of receipts with their lives, they were ultimately unsuccessful and the entire record of our financial transactions wound up in the hands of The Associated Press (please see the article &amp;quot;Al-Qaeda documents show obsession with keeping receipts, down to a $0.60 cake&amp;quot; in the National Post.) As documented in the article, you will see that our record keeping was assiduous, right up until we lost them all. I understand that this is generally to be documented in HR Form 1076, but we lost all of those as well. The Most Fascinating Stuff in Al Qaeda&amp;#039;s Real-Life Grocery List One sheep costs the same as two jars of mayonnaise. And macaroni is exorbitantly expensive.Sheep - 2,200 ($4.40) Mayonnaise - 1,100 ($2.20) 2 Packs of Macaroni - 1,880 ($3.76)  A cook&amp;#039;s salary couldn&amp;#039;t even buy him breakfast.  Cook&amp;#039;s salary - 500 ($1) Breakfast - 800 ($1.60)  Al Qaeda&amp;#039;s books also account for an encounter with a police officer. Twenty-six dollars got Al Qaeda out of a situation with &amp;quot;Policeman Abou Rafeh.&amp;quot;  Al Qaeda appears to spend 6-to-1 on lunch for guests.  Lunch - 800 ($1.60) Lunch for Guest - 5,000 ($10)  Just like everywhere else in the world, Al Qaeda members had to puff up exorbitant expenses. Next to a $20 expense for rations (one of the highest figures on the sheet), there&amp;#039;s an explanation. &amp;quot;For the sons of a mother who cannot breastfeed them due to illness.&amp;quot;   On Page 52, there is an entry that simply says &amp;quot;arm.&amp;quot;  It costs $30. Ironically, one of the lost records was an application for an upgrade to the newest version of Quicken for Business that went unanswered by your office. I mean no disrespect in bringing that up, it&amp;#039;s just that we all make mistakes, right? In any event, I cannot be expected to bear expenses for an entire cell based on my salary. We discussed this specifically when I took the job and was informed that a corporate American Express card, aside from the distasteful name, would merely serve to get me vaporized. So, I think we need to start with large cash advances made to Talhat the Libyan and Tarek the Algerian. This cash was handed over before the accounting change that stipulated that people should give us their last names, rather than just the name of a country, before receiving disbursements. If it is any consolation, I am fairly sure that Talhat is actually from Libya. $20,000. Can we just say $20,000 for groceries as well? That would actually be a bargain. It would cost more to feed a family of four and I have like 12 guys with me. I request $16,000 for travel and entertainment, mostly related to Talhat the Libyan&amp;#039;s visit. I am beginning to have my doubts about him. Not Tarek the Algerian, though. Tarek is a good guy, though I doubt he is actually Algerian as his French is terrible. Speaking of, I had discussed with my supervisor, now dead, reimbursement for my own French lessons under the Continuing Studies &amp;amp;amp; Enrichment Program. I got a C, which is a passing grade that makes me eligible for reimbursement under the old rules (these were revised in July but I took the course in June even though it ended July 15th). That&amp;#039;s $6,000. Due to an eBay foul-up, I spent $49,800 on four Soyuz rockets, which turned out to be toy models of Russian spacecraft. Honestly, the seller should have known that I had misidentified the product when the bidding got that out of hand but he refused to cancel the transaction when I complained. I gave him a bad review a low rating, though he did ship the product promptly. Finally, it seems that some of our receipts have turned up on the World Wide Web. You can access them here. I hope to be reimbursed for all of that, plus the above. I can assure you that this will not happen again as we have hired management consultants to help us enhance our document handling and accounting. It will save the organization money in the long run, if you would kindly advance $50,000 for their retainer. May God Protect You,  Abou Zeid Feared and Notorious Regional Manager, Mali "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a23513/al-qaeda-regional-application-for-exemption-for-lost-receipts/>