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"Are you getting the silent treatment from your kid lately? Or maybe a nasty look every time you ask a simple question like, say, What do you want for dinner?  It&amp;#039;s tempting to let the silence take over. After all, it&amp;#039;s one way to keep the peace. But your children need you to keep talking \u2014 and listening. Tweens and teens are going through big changes, and they need to know they can go to you when they need help sorting things out. In their recently published book, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen &amp;amp;amp; Listen So Teens Will Talk, child experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish tell parents how to keep the lines of communication open. On these pages, the authors (both mothers of grown children) respond to four common problems faced by moms of tweens and teens \u2014 and then explain how they would solve them.  I sound like a broken record.  Question: My son is the perfect example of the phrase &amp;quot;In one ear and out the other.&amp;quot; No matter how many times I &amp;quot;remind&amp;quot; him to mow the lawn or to empty the garbage, he says, &amp;quot;Oh yeah, Mom&amp;quot; and then never does it. Last night, I had to tell him to walk the dog five times. By the fifth time, I was screaming. Elaine Mazlish: Repetition can be one of the most annoying requirements of parenthood. Even as kids get old enough to remember their chores and other responsibilities, they still need constant reminding and cajoling, which can easily escalate into shouting. But this is where you need to get creative. Try using just a word or two. &amp;quot;Joe, the dog&amp;quot; can be far more effective than &amp;quot;Joe, you know it&amp;#039;s past time to walk the dog; this is the third night in a row you haven&amp;#039;t taken him on time, blah, blah, blah.&amp;quot;  Adele Faber: Or, do something unexpected, like dangling the leash in front of the computer screen or TV. If all else fails, put it in writing. A note slipped under Joe&amp;#039;s door \u2014 &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m desperate to go out. Please help! Your dog, Fido&amp;quot; \u2014 may make your son roll his eyes at your silliness, but he won&amp;#039;t be able to ignore a note the way he tunes out your nagging. She thinks I don&amp;#039;t understand. My 12-year-old daughter came home from school upset the other day because her girlfriends had ignored her during lunch. When I told her to just forget about those bratty girls, she burst into tears, told me I didn&amp;#039;t know what I was talking about, and ran to her room. Now what do I do?  AF: It&amp;#039;s natural to try to make your daughter feel better. But by telling her to forget about the problem, you&amp;#039;re inadvertently dismissing her feelings and adding to her distress. She&amp;#039;s already upset, and now she&amp;#039;s getting the message that you think she shouldn&amp;#039;t feel bad.  Better to simply listen. Then acknowledge how your daughter feels with a short response, something like &amp;quot;Honey, that&amp;#039;s rough.&amp;quot; When she hears you empathizing with her, she&amp;#039;ll likely keep talking. If she does, you can add more, something like &amp;quot;It must be hard when people you think of as such good friends ignore you.&amp;quot;  EM: As she talks it out with you, she may even start to come up with solutions. For example, she may decide to talk directly to her friends about how she feels. This is a good time to brainstorm other ideas with her \u2014 maybe she could try eating lunch with other friends, for example. Whatever the resolution, she&amp;#039;ll know that you take her problems seriously and that you care about what&amp;#039;s happening to her.  Over my dead body, you&amp;#039;ll do that. My 15-year-old daughter came home the other day and announced she was getting her nose pierced. I went berserk. &amp;quot;Are you out of your mind?&amp;quot; I said. &amp;quot;You want to put a hole in your nose? That&amp;#039;s the stupidest thing I&amp;#039;ve ever heard.&amp;quot; We yelled back and forth for a while before she stomped off. I know I could have handled the situation better, but I&amp;#039;m never going to agree with her, so why bother?  AF: Communicating doesn&amp;#039;t mean you have to agree. In fact, it&amp;#039;s when you feel strongly about something that you need open communication the most. Every time your daughter stomps off like that, you miss an opportunity to express your expectations and values.  EM: Instead of calling the idea stupid and indirectly attacking your child, describe your concerns clearly. Something like &amp;quot;Nose piercing can cause infections, and I&amp;#039;m not willing to take a chance like that with your health. Besides, you have a beautiful nose, and if you put a hole in it, I wouldn&amp;#039;t be able to stand it.&amp;quot; If she continues to protest, ask her to consider trying a fake nose ring. She may not like your decision, but she&amp;#039;ll be far more likely to accept it if she doesn&amp;#039;t feel put down or attacked.  I was wrong. Sometimes my 12-year-old son rightly points out that I&amp;#039;ve gone too far. Like the time I told him he was a slob when he kept forgetting to use the laundry hamper and throwing his clothes on the bedroom floor. His response? &amp;quot;Calling me a slob won&amp;#039;t help anything.&amp;quot; I have to admit, he had a pretty good point. But how can I back down without losing the argument?  AF: It&amp;#039;s called changing your mind mid-scream. And there&amp;#039;s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Older kids need to see that when a situation gets out of hand, you&amp;#039;re able to regain control, admit you&amp;#039;re wrong, and make amends. Watching how you react is how they learn these important skills. EM: Consistency can be overrated with older kids. It&amp;#039;s much better to know yourself and your own capacities. You&amp;#039;re not perfect, and you don&amp;#039;t expect your kids to be perfect. Everyone messes up sometimes. Admitting that helps them be honest with you and with their friends. AF: To get back on track, you could try saying something like &amp;quot;You know what, you&amp;#039;re right. I shouldn&amp;#039;t have said that. I&amp;#039;m sorry. Let&amp;#039;s erase all that and try again. What can we do so that your dirty clothes end up in the hamper?&amp;quot; Then, together, you can work out a solution. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/tips/a17300/talk-to-kids-apr06/>