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"Photograph: Nicolas Moore. Stylist: Melissa Ventosa Martin; Hair: David Von Cannon for Bryan Bantry Agency; Makeup: Benjamin Puckey for D+V Management. Chlo&amp;amp;#233; dress. Scene: Mexican restaurant. My date and I sit down to dinner and look at our menus. &amp;amp;#8220;Hey, are you free next weekend?&amp;amp;#8221; she asks. &amp;amp;#8220;Tacos sound good,&amp;amp;#8221; I say. &amp;amp;#8220;My parents will be in town. I thought maybe we could&amp;amp;#8230;&amp;amp;#8221; I look around for the waiter. Where is he? I&amp;amp;#8217;m starving and thirsty, and he&amp;amp;#8217;s ignoring us. &amp;amp;#8220;My mom&amp;amp;#8217;s dying to meet you&amp;amp;#8230;.&amp;amp;#8221; Mmmmmm, tacos. &amp;amp;#8220;Should we get guacamole?&amp;amp;#8221; I ask her. She narrows her eyes and gives a look that says, If I had guacamole, I&amp;amp;#8217;d dump it down your pants. From her perspective, I get it: I&amp;amp;#8217;d deliberately changed the subject and avoided eye contact, all because I didn&amp;amp;#8217;t want to meet her parents. But here&amp;amp;#8217;s the irony. I really did want to meet her parents. We&amp;amp;#8217;d been dating a couple of months. It was time. But I wasn&amp;amp;#8217;t ready to tackle the issue head-on. And I do love tacos. Sound familiar? I&amp;amp;#8217;m not saying I wasn&amp;amp;#8217;t being an idiot (I was), but misunderstandings like this happen all the time between men and women. Guys want to say one thing, but we end up saying, or doing, another. So how can you learn to read us right? I consulted a few experts to help unscramble some common scenarios. You&amp;amp;#8217;re talking to him&amp;amp;#8212;but he won&amp;amp;#8217;t stop watching TV What it means: Probably nothing. (How could what you&amp;amp;#8217;re saying compete with The Walking Dead? I mean, zombies!) As annoying as this common male behavior may be, &amp;amp;#8220;we all need a little zone-out time when we get home,&amp;amp;#8221; says Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D., an authority on body language and communication. &amp;amp;#8220;Some women take bubble baths, do yoga. Men need to unwind too and often do it in front of the TV&amp;amp;#8212;or even in the car. I had a client whose commute went from 20 minutes to five minutes. He was miserable. He had lost his decompression time.&amp;amp;#8221; How to deal: Does he do this every night? If so, for God&amp;amp;#8217;s sake call him on it. But if it&amp;amp;#8217;s sporadic, give him his downtime and try again when the zombies are dead. Next: What his stonewalling means, and why you should worry if he&amp;#x27;s touching another woman &amp;amp;#187; During a big discussion, he goes completely mute What it means: Simply that he&amp;amp;#8217;s male. Experts told me that guys are hardwired to derive less enjoyment than women do from deep, personal conversations. &amp;amp;#8220;Talking through emotional issues releases oxytocin, and, in women, estrogen enhances that hormone&amp;amp;#8217;s calming effects,&amp;amp;#8221; explains Kinsey Goman. Testosterone, though, blunts oxytocin&amp;amp;#8217;s properties; that&amp;amp;#8217;s why, for men, such discussions can increase anxiety and distress. And when that happens? &amp;amp;#8220;Stonewalling is an automatic response to feeling emotionally flooded,&amp;amp;#8221; says Katie Ramsburgh, a marriage and family therapist with Seattle&amp;amp;#8217;s Gottman Relationship Institute. &amp;amp;#8220;He is mentally fleeing the situation. It&amp;amp;#8217;s a self-soothing mechanism.&amp;amp;#8221; How to deal: &amp;amp;#8220;The heart rate of a man in this state can go up considerably,&amp;amp;#8221; says Ramsburgh, &amp;amp;#8220;and parts of the brain actually shut down.&amp;amp;#8221; And &amp;amp;#8220;flooding&amp;amp;#8221; is even more likely if he thinks you&amp;amp;#8217;re blaming him for something. So come at a touchy topic in a nonaccusatory way. &amp;amp;#8220;For example,&amp;amp;#8221; says Ramsburgh, &amp;amp;#8220;if the discussion is about how much time he spends at work, start with &amp;amp;#8216;I know work is important to you, but you&amp;amp;#8217;ve been practically living at the office, and I really miss you.&amp;amp;#8217; This is less likely to bring on the poker face than &amp;amp;#8216;You&amp;amp;#8217;re always working, and we never have time together anymore.&amp;amp;#8217;&amp;amp;#8201;&amp;amp;#8221; He puts a hand on another woman&amp;amp;#8217;s arm What it means: Surprisingly, experts say you should be worried about this one. &amp;amp;#8220;Sometimes a touch truly is casual&amp;amp;#8230;but I&amp;amp;#8217;d be wary,&amp;amp;#8221; Kinsey Goman says. This is Body Language 101: Our hands and legs point toward what we desire, even if we are not yet ready to admit those desires to ourselves. How to deal: A touch below the elbow is in the danger zone, believes Lillian Glass, Ph.D., author of The Body Language Advantage. And Kinsey Goman says to beware repeated contact: &amp;amp;#8220;If my boyfriend put his hand on the small of a woman&amp;amp;#8217;s back, if he leaned against her, if he touched her hair, if their feet touched&amp;amp;#8212;if I saw a combination of two or three of these, I&amp;amp;#8217;d know we were in trouble.&amp;amp;#8221; But if it&amp;amp;#8217;s not that extreme? Don&amp;amp;#8217;t overanalyze. Sometimes a hug is just a hug. Next: Why he asks about your girls&amp;#x27; night out, and how to respond if he tells a joke&amp;amp;#8212;while you&amp;amp;#8217;re telling an emotional story &amp;amp;#187; He asks if you went out last night&amp;amp;#8212;and where What it means: He&amp;amp;#8217;s not just asking whether you went out. He&amp;amp;#8217;s asking, &amp;amp;#8220;Did you go out late drinking with your girlfriends, and, if so, did you go to a club and dance, and, if so, did you flirt with other guys, and, if so, did you get drunk and make out with anyone?&amp;amp;#8221; If you&amp;amp;#8217;re in a new relationship, what he&amp;amp;#8217;s doing is establishing trust, says Ramsburgh. &amp;amp;#8220;That&amp;amp;#8217;s critical,&amp;amp;#8221; she continues. &amp;amp;#8220;He wants to know more about who you are and what you&amp;amp;#8217;re doing when he&amp;amp;#8217;s not around. And he wants to know if he can trust you.&amp;amp;#8221; How to deal: You don&amp;amp;#8217;t have to account for your whereabouts with someone you&amp;amp;#8217;ve just started dating. But if it&amp;amp;#8217;s nice to know that he cares, tell him whatever you feel like sharing. If he grills you on a daily basis, though, take note: It could suggest disturbing control-freak issues. You&amp;amp;#8217;re telling a tearful story; he&amp;amp;#8217;s cracking jokes What it means: As my friend Cody says, &amp;amp;#8220;This usually indicates I had no idea what to say and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I&amp;amp;#8217;ll feel bad about this for a long time.&amp;amp;#8221; Men are more likely to dodge emotions with humor, and heaven forbid we show tears. (Our tear ducts are in fact smaller than women&amp;amp;#8217;s, and testosterone slows the production of tears&amp;amp;#8212;but you probably consider neither of these to be much of an excuse.) How to deal: Well, was the joke funny? If so, it&amp;amp;#8217;s OK to laugh, and then say to him, &amp;amp;#8220;All right, but this is important to me. Can we go ahead and finish the conversation?&amp;amp;#8221; But if the joke was truly cruel, says Ramsburgh, &amp;amp;#8220;tell him, &amp;amp;#8216;Your comments really hurt me; maybe we should take a break and come back to this discussion later.&amp;amp;#8217;&amp;amp;#8201;&amp;amp;#8221; Next: Why he&amp;#x27;s always busy, and what it means if he chooses sleep over sex &amp;amp;#187; Photo: Pamela Hanson; Stylist: Maggie Mann; Hair: Mitch Barry for Bryan Bantry Agency; Makeup: Mike Potter for Defactoinc.Com; Manicure: Tatyana Molot for Artistsbytimothypriano.com Every time you invite him somewhere, he&amp;amp;#8217;s busy What it means: Glass doesn&amp;amp;#8217;t pull any punches. &amp;amp;#8220;If he says he wants to spend time with you but never does,&amp;amp;#8221; she says, &amp;amp;#8220;then he has a problem with being up-front and honest.&amp;amp;#8221; How to deal: Don&amp;amp;#8217;t immediately go to DEFCON2; it is possible that he&amp;amp;#8217;s just busy. Instead of simply complaining, Ramsburgh recommends asking questions, like &amp;amp;#8220;Hey, you&amp;amp;#8217;ve been tied up. We had so much fun when we went out. When can we get together?&amp;amp;#8221; If he really has been busy, he&amp;amp;#8217;ll suggest an alternate time or date. And if he still doesn&amp;amp;#8217;t make time for you? He&amp;amp;#8217;s just not that you-know-the-rest. He wants to go to sleep instead of having sex What it means: Maybe nothing. Sometimes we men really do get tired. But if it&amp;amp;#8217;s chronic? &amp;amp;#8220;You need to consider a person&amp;amp;#8217;s baseline, what&amp;amp;#8217;s usual for him,&amp;amp;#8221; Kinsey Goman says. &amp;amp;#8220;When behavior changes, especially if the change becomes the new norm, it can mean many things: He isn&amp;amp;#8217;t interested in you sexually, he has a physical problem, or he is under a lot of stress. You won&amp;amp;#8217;t be able to guess.&amp;amp;#8221; How to deal: You can flat out ask. Or you can read the clues. The way he turns down sex is important, says Glass. It&amp;amp;#8217;s less of a red flag, she believes, &amp;amp;#8220;if there&amp;amp;#8217;s affection involved. Is he looking at you or is he turning his back to you?&amp;amp;#8221; To determine whether he&amp;amp;#8217;s got serious issues, Kinsey Goman also suggests asking yourself these questions: Does he have to be drunk to have sex? Does he pull away or recoil when you touch him? Does he pick a fight with you right before going to bed? One more thought: The Gottman Relationship Institute&amp;amp;#8217;s research found that men&amp;amp;#8217;s most common complaint about sex is not not having it but rather not feeling desired by their partner. Given that, Ramsburgh says, &amp;amp;#8220;ask yourself, Have I made the effort to appreciate him? He is sexy. Have I said that lately?&amp;amp;#8221; Try it. And with all these situations, remember: You don&amp;amp;#8217;t have to let us off the hook every time we act up. But before you dump guacamole in a guy&amp;amp;#8217;s lap, consider that he may actually just be nervous or shy or confused about what he&amp;amp;#8217;s feeling&amp;amp;#8212;you know, like you. Jeff Wilser, author of The Maxims of Manhood, is currently cowriting a book about the rules of dating."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2012/06/what-men-are-really-trying-to-tell-you-glamour-july-2012>