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" How old are you? Woman A: 36. Woman B: 25.   Are you single/married/in a relationship? Woman A: Married. Woman B: In a relationship (but not with the father of the child anymore).   How old were you when you miscarried? Woman A: 35. Woman B: 21.   Did you have any health complications you were aware of before you got pregnant that could affect pregnancy? Woman A: Nope. Woman B: I was taking Paxil, which is a Category D medication in relation to pregnancy. A couple years later, one of those &amp;quot;bad drug&amp;quot; commercials was released about the type of medication I was taking (along with several other similar medications) in regards to its complications with pregnancy.   How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant? Woman A: Very excited, and a little disbelieving. After a failed IUI [intrauterine insemination, where sperm is placed into the uterus] back in 2008, we did an IVF [in vitro fertilization, where eggs are fertilized with sperm outside the body, then implanted into the uterus] cycle and only put in one embryo, and ended up with identical twins. Once we were ready to contemplate another baby, we did a Frozen Embryo Transfer, again only putting in one (which is really kind of a low-odds proposition; with FET usually they put in three, as opposed to two or MAYBE three on a fresh IVF cycle), and it hit. It was crazy. I felt like human Las Vegas. It was such a gamble, and what were the odds of hitting two in a row? And yet there we were. Woman B: It was an unintended pregnancy. My first feeling was disbelief. I took multiple tests thinking they were all wrong. When it sunk in, I felt sick to my stomach knowing my future was going to change forever, regardless of any decision I made. My first reaction was to get an abortion and I believe that was the path I would have followed if I hadn&amp;#039;t miscarried (although I had def not made any solid decisions).   Were there any complications with the pregnancy? What were they? Woman A: When you do IVF/FET, you go in for an ultrasound quite early. So my husband and I went in at six or seven weeks for our first ultrasound \u2014 the first time around, this was the ultrasound that told us it was twins \u2014 and all anyone could see was a big empty circle. And it was a circle with some breakaway bleeding in there, meaning it was considering detaching from the uterine lining. They took more blood work to test my beta levels (the pregnancy hormone) and put me on progesterone shots in addition to my other pills from the cycle, and told me to come back in a week. Because maybe the math was off, or the baby just hadn&amp;#039;t quite shown up yet, all kinds of things could have been in play. I came in the next week: hormone levels still rising, but still no baby. We did it again in another week, etc. By the ninth week, there was clearly not going to be a baby. Whatever was growing in there died before it really got going. But my body was clinging to it like crazy, so my doctor didn&amp;#039;t think I was going to miscarry on my own anytime soon, and so he recommended a D&amp;amp;amp;C [dilation and curettage, in which the uterus is cleared of any contents]. Woman B: No complications with the pregnancy itself \u2014 aside from taking a medication that could very well be toxic to the child of a pregnant woman.   How many weeks along were you when you miscarried? Woman A: Nine. Woman B: Seven weeks and two days.   Where were you at the time? Woman B: My then-boyfriend&amp;#039;s house at the first signs, but chalked them up to normal pregnancy symptoms. My apartment when I knew something was terribly wrong. I found out at the hospital that I was having a miscarriage. I was back at my apartment when I had the actual miscarriage.   How long did it take to miscarry? Woman B: Around 10 to 12 hours.   Did you call anyone, or go to the hospital? Woman B: My roommate took me to the hospital. I called [the baby&amp;#039;s father] to meet me there. I also called my mom to fill her in.   How were you treated by the doctors? Woman A: Mine was a planned D&amp;amp;amp;C. My doctor very carefully told me my options: I could take a pill and go home and let things take their course, or I could do a D&amp;amp;amp;C. He said if it were his wife, he&amp;#039;d recommend the D&amp;amp;amp;C. That was good enough for me. I went on the appointed day; they had to do me last, after all the egg retrievals or insertions, because there&amp;#039;s a chance for bleeding with a D&amp;amp;amp;C and you don&amp;#039;t want to have to deal with that before bringing in another patient. So I sat there, waiting in the prep room, having to repeat what I was there for with every different nurse that came in, because they need to make sure they&amp;#039;re doing the right thing to you, and that you are who you say you are, and that you are of sound mind. Meanwhile these other excited women are going past the room with all the hope in the world. Woman B: With care and respect.   How long did it take for you to recover, physically? Woman A: Only a day or two, thank god. Woman B: I had a heavy &amp;quot;period&amp;quot; and period symptoms (cramps, tender breasts, etc.) for a few days. But I was actually fine physically. I was able to accomplish the physical daily tasks I needed to.   How did you and your family process it, emotionally? Woman A: It was really hard. The thing is, my miscarriage wasn&amp;#039;t as traumatic or dramatic as a lot of them, so in a way I feel weird talking about how hard it was. It&amp;#039;s kind of like how if you have a C-section, sometimes people cock an eyebrow at you if you talk about giving birth, since technically you didn&amp;#039;t. But in both cases it&amp;#039;s a physical and emotional experience that shouldn&amp;#039;t be written off just because it stacks up differently to someone else&amp;#039;s, and I&amp;#039;ve told other people in my situation not to feel bad for being sad, because you are allowed to mourn. You carried something and then it was gone, and you are absolutely allowed to feel a void and grieve and miss what was almost yours. I felt like I&amp;#039;d failed the life that had tried to grow inside me. I carried it around for three weeks before we put an end to it, living and acting and growing like a pregnant woman even though I wasn&amp;#039;t one. I looked at my boys, who came from the same batch, and thought about the ghost of the one that might have been. It was hard. I cried in the stirrups when we finally called an end to it, even though in my heart I&amp;#039;d known for weeks it was going to happen. I cried in the waiting room. I cried at home, in bed. I let myself feel everything, because I think trying to suppress all that stuff just means it comes out in other ways. Woman B: I was a complete wreck. I miscarried three days before my senior year of college. My nurse&amp;#039;s clinical for that semester was OB and pediatrics. So I was surrounded by seeing new mothers and their healthy children for 16 weeks. That really hindered my acceptance process. My family was very sad for me. They knew I was in a terrible and vulnerable spot.   How did people react when you told them? Woman A: I didn&amp;#039;t tell very many people. My good friends were with me the day after my FET, because they&amp;#039;d come over after my IVF and so we developed a superstition \u2014 they brought me the same food, I was lying in the same position on the same couch. I kept them posted through the entire three or four week &amp;quot;is it or isn&amp;#039;t it&amp;quot; ordeal, and they were loving and sympathetic. They helped my husband with our kids when I was laid up after the D&amp;amp;amp;C. They checked in on me. But beyond that, this is the first time I&amp;#039;ve even really talked about it. Not because I don&amp;#039;t care to, but more ... you never want to use something like this for sympathy. I had a really visceral reaction to Lindsay Lohan&amp;#039;s reveal on her show, because she was able to work up big tears over her career and her stolen list of conquests, but when she talked about her miscarriage, it was with a &amp;quot;Ha, take THAT&amp;quot; eyebrow and a lot of defiance, and I was uncomfortable with how much it came across like she was using it as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. And when people ask how you are, they rarely expect to get, &amp;quot;Fresh off a miscarriage, thanks, and you?&amp;quot; If anyone ever asked me directly if we tried again, I&amp;#039;d just say, &amp;quot;We did, and it didn&amp;#039;t work out,&amp;quot; or something, but otherwise I just spared them the details. Woman B: People were very sympathetic and would try to offer help or advice. I know some people were trying to help, but they would say some things that were absolutely awful for me to hear.   Do you wish they&amp;#039;d reacted differently, and why? Woman B: The thing that angered me the most were when people told me, &amp;quot;You can always have another one,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;You never wanted kids so it&amp;#039;s OK,&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;You were going to get an abortion anyway.&amp;quot; I know people weren&amp;#039;t trying to be malicious when they would say those things but it felt as though people were disregarding my grieving feelings. When people would say that I was going to have an abortion anyway, they made it seem like an abortion was an easy task to accomplish emotionally. Abortion isn&amp;#039;t an easy decision to come to.   How did your significant other cope? Woman A: He was sad. We cried together. He was with me in the pre-op room, holding my hand, and the emotion would take turns rolling over both of us. I tried to make sure he didn&amp;#039;t get lost in the flurry of support for me, because he needed support too. We&amp;#039;d talk it out some nights and cry, and then be sure to remind ourselves that we had two miracles in the room next door, and that someday we would feel OK. The key was remembering that I was not the only person this happened to; it was my body, but it was his heart just as much as it was mine. Woman B: He was honest with me and told me he didn&amp;#039;t feel some &amp;quot;great big loss&amp;quot; like I did. It made me sad to hear that, but I very much appreciated his honesty. Those were his feelings and I accepted them.   How have you been coping since then? Woman A: We tried another FET and it didn&amp;#039;t hit. The two things together really got me sad. Because what if it was our last chance? Maybe we&amp;#039;d hit our last jackpot. So when my due date came and went, I had a really hard time, knowing we were supposed to have a baby; when Christmas came and went, I missed our child that no longer was. All those milestones. It was hard to look at my boys and not wonder what other awesomeness had been brewing that we&amp;#039;d never know. Part of me will wonder if it was something I did or ate; it&amp;#039;s hard not to try and blame yourself, because even though nobody ever wants it to be their fault, having to chalk it up to the vagaries of the universe can be so unsatisfying and makes it scarier to try again. If you can pinpoint it to something you did, you can think, &amp;quot;Well, I won&amp;#039;t do that next time.&amp;quot; But if it was a lightning strike, there&amp;#039;s nothing you can do to guard against it happening again, and that is what makes the whole process feel daunting. If nature had made it possible for me to get pregnant the regular way, it might be less of a big deal, but for us it&amp;#039;s a significant expense, and with it comes a lot of built-up hopes. The bill is financial and emotional. Can you put yourself through the hope one more time? Woman B: Currently, my grieving process is complete. And I mean that is to say I have accepted fully what has happened. I absolutely still feel sad sometimes, but I am progressing forward. I got a tattoo on my side as a remembrance of what happened. I feel as though it&amp;#039;s a &amp;quot;memorial&amp;quot; almost.   How did it affect your relationship, if at all? Woman B: It didn&amp;#039;t affect it too much. I would talk to him about it and he always listened to me without any judgment. We are no longer together, but it has nothing to do with the miscarriage.   Have you been pregnant again since then, or do you plan to conceive again? Woman A: Our FET right after didn&amp;#039;t work, and we&amp;#039;re not sure if we have another one in us. If it happens by accident it would be a blessing, but the odds of that are extremely slim. Having a D&amp;amp;amp;C hasn&amp;#039;t deterred me from trying; it almost makes me afraid of trying and succeeding, and then failing again right when we are letting ourselves get excited. I remember with the twins, before that first ultrasound, I had read so much on fertility message boards about how you could go in and find out it was a false positive, and I just didn&amp;#039;t think there was anything in there \u2014 and lo and behold, there were two. With the failed pregnancy, I was so optimistic. My hormone levels had been super high. Everything looked good. And then it didn&amp;#039;t. Woman B: I do not want children at any point in my future. Not because of the miscarriage, but I have never really wanted kids.   How do you feel about the experience now? Woman A: Philosophical. I am lucky with the life I have, and we are in an extremely lucky position of acting out of want, not need. I wanted my kids to be big brothers. I wanted them to love a sibling, because that&amp;#039;s different than a twin relationship, and I thought it would be so valuable for them \u2014 and that they&amp;#039;d be the most amazing older brothers to a lucky boy or girl. I still want that for them. But age and money and life are all starting to get in the way, and that&amp;#039;s without our basic fertility issues. I will always wonder if that was our only other chance. And I have to make peace with it either way. We had enough love in us to try, and I guess that&amp;#039;s all you can do.   RELATED: First Comes Miscarriage, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Baby   Follow Anna on Twitter.   Photo Credit: Getty "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a6767/miscarriage-real-women/>