<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"  1. Date One Shower and shave? Check. Series of exfoliating and hydrating face masks? Yes. Slathered body with expensive Sephora lotion made of garnets and children&amp;#039;s laughter? Check. I am a poreless wonder and my hair smells like an angel. Oh, almost forgot to bring curiously strong mints! 2. Date Two I feel super awkward peeing in this tiny apartment when he&amp;#039;s on my bed and can hear me. I&amp;#039;ll just run the water. Also, let me brush my teeth while I&amp;#039;m in here, since I was compulsively checking if I had food in them. 3. Date Three No no no no no we&amp;#039;re about to have sex but I kind of have to poop. What can I do?! Can I say I forgot to get condoms and run down to the bodega and use their bathroom? Do they even have a bathroom? This is the worst thing that&amp;#039;s ever happened to humanity, HE&amp;#039;S NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW I POOP. Maybe I can counteract this by going to the bathroom and getting &amp;#039;er done, then lighting a match or my scented candle \u2014 does that make it too obvious that I pooped? \u2014 and then brushing my teeth in black lingerie with the door open, just so he remembers I&amp;#039;m a lovely creature who never poops. 4. Date Four Yeah, okay, we can kiss with morning breath. You have it, I have it, we&amp;#039;re people. But I totally slept with my makeup on so you think my skin looks like this. I&amp;#039;ll be paying for that in a few weeks when I break out. 5. One Month God, we&amp;#039;re both super hungover and feel gross. Let&amp;#039;s get greasy breakfast sandwiches and then watch Netflix until we feel better. 6. Two Months I&amp;#039;m going to brush my teeth and floss topless, while I talk to you in a smart and analytical way about House Of Cards, and I will not think twice about it really. 7. Three Months  I didn&amp;#039;t have time to shave. Just deal with this stubble. And the acne scars you can totally see when I take my makeup off but are too sweet to admit when I ask you if you ever notice them. 8. Four Months Finish pooping and get out of the bathroom so I can poop.  9. Five Months Let&amp;#039;s shower together and actually shower. Yo, can you look at this mole on my back? 10. Six Months I&amp;#039;m going to the doctor about a weird thing on my back and I actually tell you what I&amp;#039;m going to the doctor for, even though it&amp;#039;s yucky. 11. Seven Months &amp;quot;Did you put your salve on that back thing?&amp;quot; is casual conversation for us. 12. Nine Months  You fart, I giggle. 13. One Year We both get the stomach flu from each other at the same time and reach a new level of intimacy when we have to strategically take turns on the toilet. 14. Two Years After a half-marathon we trained for together, he rubs Vaseline on my thigh chaffage if I tape up his bloody nipples. We are one now. Follow Anna on Twitter Photo Credit: Universal Entertainment "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a5880/stages-of-grossness/?click=rel>