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"Before we get to the beginning of last night&amp;#x27;s premiere of The Bachelor, let&amp;#x27;s start with the end. Something began to set in as I watched yet another season preview montage promising plenty of Juan Pablo touching butts on mountaintops. I realized we&amp;#x27;ve all got an important decision to make: Do we still think Juan Pablo is hot? We all thought he was hot when he was just standing still and exhibiting his hip-dents, but last night&amp;#x27;s ep put his goofiness on full display. Are the novelty waves, jaunty walks, and funny faces cute and quirky or just this side of White Urkel? Honestly, I don&amp;#x27;t think we should go any further before we sort this out. Do think Juan Pablo&amp;#x27;s hot? Well, I still think he&amp;#x27;s cute, guys. I have to believe in someone in this house, and it&amp;#x27;s sure as hell not going to be Sharleen. With that, let&amp;#x27;s get to our awards. Favoritos de familia Galavis: Juan Pablo&amp;#x27;s parents So first of all, I love that Grandma and Grandpa are watching little Camilla while Juan Pablo gallivants. You know how you get your parents on board with you going on The Bachelor? Tell them they get to watch their grandkid the whole time, and watch their moral oppositions evaporate. Not to mention: Juan Pablo&amp;#x27;s father&amp;#x27;s name is Saul, and this makes perfect sense, because it&amp;#x27;s obvious to me when I look at his dad that, were there a Venezuelan Homeland, Juan Pablo&amp;#x27;s father would definitely play Saul. Most committed to her workout: This girl in the background of the shot I salute you, girl determined to finish your run even though you&amp;#x27;ve gotten yourself tangled in a national-TV filming situation. Actually, I&amp;#x27;m guessing most people running on the beach in Santa Monica are filming themselves for one reason or another, so maybe you never thought you&amp;#x27;d end up here. But you look great. Killer form. The New Jake Pavelka award: Sean Lowe Sean, in the immortal words of Walter White, tread lightly. You&amp;#x27;re around way too much. You and your delicate Swiss-dot button-down need to get out of here, right now. You&amp;#x27;re a mere Dancing With the Stars stint away from&amp;amp;#8212;what&amp;#x27;s that? He did go on Dancing With the Stars? That does it. You are the new Jake Pavelka. Go celebrate with a shirtless swim and an angry outburst&amp;amp;#8212;but be sure to leak your whereabouts to the paparazzi first. Most mysterious: The Universe Hold up a second and let&amp;#x27;s just reflect on this: Sean Lowe rejected a woman who rejected Juan Pablo. I&amp;#x27;m sorry, this makes no sense to me. SEAN LOWE IS WEARING KEDS. Worst attempt at a serious face: Juan Pablo, 15 minutes in This is when producers started having nervous visions of him giggling and crossing his eyes when, down the line, one of the girls weeps and says he taught her to trust again. Most likely to star on a Nicholas Sparks paperback: Lauren H Poor Lauren H would go on to smile through a meltdown, which only made it sadder. But first, she strolled wistfully by a lighthouse like nobody&amp;#x27;s business. Best impression of my redheaded &amp;#x27;90s Glitter Hair Barbie: Kylie Most likely to be arrested OR biggest hyperbole fan: Valerie &amp;quot;I&amp;#x27;m not afraid to file these things down and scratch some eyeballs.&amp;quot; Some eyeballs? You&amp;#x27;re either a sociopath or a big fan of tall tales. Either way, nobody gives a crap about your cowboy boots. Find another means of defining yourself! The Too Pure for This World Award: Lacy Lacy, who grew up passionate about special needs and works in the field of eldercare, is a beautiful human soul who should have never made it through the screening process. I&amp;#x27;m actually happy Juan Pablo sent her home, because if he hadn&amp;#x27;t, I would have had to petition for her to be housed in clean, unsullied quarters far from the mansion. Run away, Lacy, and never look back! Worst subliminal message: Christy Christy, we know what you&amp;#x27;re doing with the white gown and the crystal headpiece. Don&amp;#x27;t pretend that just because you&amp;#x27;re not wearing a wedding dress, you&amp;#x27;re not wearing a wedding dress. The Misplaced Urgency Award: Lauren S &amp;quot;Before we go any further, I need you to know music is my passion.&amp;quot; See, you really don&amp;#x27;t though. That&amp;#x27;s not vital information. Here&amp;#x27;s what you need him to know before you go any further: STDs, controversial stances on book burning, and outstanding warrants. That&amp;#x27;s it. Your epic love of sound can definitely wait for date three. The Seen Almost Famous a Few Times Too Many Award: Lucy I&amp;#x27;m pretty surprised Lucy didn&amp;#x27;t get killed in the limo on the way over. (Clearly they separated her from Miss I&amp;#x27;ll Personally Blind You.) Shine on, you crazy diamond, big emphasis on the crazy! Most Likely to Offend Parks and Rec&amp;#x27;s Tom Haverford: Amy J Bats&amp;amp;#8212;t masseuse Amy J, who appears to be in an almost constant state of orgasm, put massage oil on her hands and then rubbed them all over Juan Pablo&amp;#x27;s suit. WHAT? You just know Chris Harrison was just out of frame like &amp;quot;That suit is from my line. Hold me back, bro. HOLD ME BACK!&amp;quot; Biggest &amp;#x27;tude: Sharleen I guess it makes sense, since she&amp;#x27;s a professional diva (no, Lucy, it&amp;#x27;s not like putting free spirit, she sings in the opera), but Sharleen could&amp;#x27;ve been a little more tactful about the first impression rose. She and her judgmental eyebrows almost made Juan Pablo pee his pants, I think. Biggest missed opportunity: Hunger Games style cannons Clearly my polite letters to ABC have been ignored: I suggested that from now on, those who do not receive a rose should have their likenesses projected into the sky for a proper farewell. (P.S. I think poor Kylie would have been happy to die after mishearing her name and trotting on up.) Biggest joke: The Season of Diversity Guys? Guys. Can we stop with the stuff about Juan Pablo being the first Hispanic Bachelor and Clare being part Mexican? I get it, I respect what you&amp;#x27;re doing, but let&amp;#x27;s not go crazy praising the show for &amp;quot;diversifying.&amp;quot; Juan Pablo and Clare could be on a pamphlet called &amp;quot;Real Estate and You: And By You, I Mean White People.&amp;quot; Say goodbye to: Alexis, Kylie, Ashley, Amy J, Christine, Lacy, Lauren H, Maggie, and Valerie. (Our eyeballs are safe again!) What did you think of last night&amp;#x27;s ep? Any early frontrunners? I like Renee, the sincere single mom with the cannon (she threw a perfect spiral to her son)."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2014/01/the-bachelor-juan-pablo>