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" These days, you can&amp;#039;t pick up a magazine or read a gossip column without coming across a story about some self-sabotaging celeb. Seriously, how many sequels of Paris Hilton&amp;#039;s sex tapes have to slip out before she gets a clue and stops making them? How many parties must Tara Reid stumble through before she realizes her party-girl ways might be affecting her career? And Courtney Love... where do we even begin with her? The whole world gets to watch while these stars crash and burn, but they aren&amp;#039;t the only ones who lose it. Perhaps you have a &amp;quot;fun&amp;quot; friend. She may be someone you&amp;#039;ve known forever and has recently started an anarchic wild-child phase. Or perhaps she&amp;#039;s a newish pal, a temporarily refreshing good-time girl who rips it up like a rock star, tomorrow be damned. Yeah, she&amp;#039;s a helluva lot of fun to hang out with, but inevitably, she makes some stupid decisions that flop and then she expects you to bail her out. Slowly but surely, she&amp;#039;s driving you insane with her drama and bringing you along on her downward trajectory by siphoning your time and energy...and maybe even ruining your rep.  So what causes someone to spin out of control? &amp;quot;If a person believes deep down that she doesn&amp;#039;t deserve to be happy or successful, she unconsciously does self-destructive things to undermine her success,&amp;quot; says psychotherapist Martha Baldwin Beveridge, author of Self-Sabotage. &amp;quot;This feeling of self-loathing and penchant for acting like an idiot can stem from long-standing low self-esteem, a need for attention, or a sudden emotional nosedive because of a recent breakup or some other trauma. Regardless of what the reason is, when someone you really care about is free-falling, the problem truly becomes yours. The big question is how do you deal? Here, we&amp;#039;ll tell you.   Okay, she&amp;#039;s your friend and you don&amp;#039;t want to desert her in her time of need. But you sure as hell don&amp;#039;t want to be sitting next to her at the bar when she instigates a big brawl. So how do you save yourself without losing your sidekick? First, change your hang-out venue. In other words, find stuff to do that you both enjoy but where she can&amp;#039;t indulge her weakness. &amp;quot;If she&amp;#039;s a binge drinker, for example, meet her for lunch or spend the day shopping instead of barhopping together,&amp;quot; suggests sociologist Jan Yager, PhD, author of When Friendship Hurts. Sticking to that trouble-free zone prevents her from acting out and dragging you down with her. Plus, without a partner in crime, she&amp;#039;ll hopefully start to curb her crazed behavior.  That&amp;#039;s what worked for Skye*, 20, when her friend Mandy, 19, started getting out of control. &amp;quot;Mandy was stripping on tabletops at fraternity parties and waking up next to random guys on a regular basis,&amp;quot; says Skye. &amp;quot;She was a blast to party with, but people started to assume that I was the same way just because we were friends. They figured that if they got me drunk enough, I&amp;#039;d get naked too. Eventually, I told Mandy that I had to take a break from hanging out with her at night but we could still hit the gym together. It wasn&amp;#039;t exactly the same, but at least we could still be together and talk.&amp;quot;  Switching up the scene to save your rep is one thing, but what happens when your pal starts loading you down with her luggage (i.e., calling you night and day to blab about her latest conquest or beg for advice about yet another screwup)? You want to be her friend, not her therapist. So, harsh as it may seem, you have to set some boundaries for your sake and hers. &amp;quot;Try to be there for her. But it&amp;#039;s okay to limit the time you spend talking to her about her issues,&amp;quot; says Yager. &amp;quot;If it&amp;#039;s not a crisis situation, schedule another time to talk once you&amp;#039;ve reached your time limit.&amp;quot; This saves you some psychic strain, and it may even wake her up to the reality that there are bigger things going on in the world than her mini-melodramas. Another tactic: Change the subject. If she&amp;#039;s all about &amp;quot;me, me, me,&amp;quot; don&amp;#039;t indulge her. &amp;quot;Steer the conversation away from the stuff she obsesses over and talk about what&amp;#039;s going on in your life,&amp;quot; says Beveridge. Eventually, she&amp;#039;ll realize that if she wants an Oprah-worthy pep talk, she has to turn to someone else.   There&amp;#039;s only so much you can do for an out-of-control friend. If her behavior is seriously destructive or dangerous (i.e., she&amp;#039;s going home with strangers, doing ridiculous amounts of drugs or alcohol, or putting her job in jeopardy), you might want to pull an intervention and try to persuade her to get professional help before she completely crumbles. It may sound drastic and like you&amp;#039;re turning on her, but in truth, standing by while she comes unhinged is worse for you both in the long run. The problem is convincing her. &amp;quot;Sometimes, when a person is in the throes of self-destructive behavior, she may not recognize that she has a problem,&amp;quot; says Yager. &amp;quot;Also, she may initially become upset with you for suggesting that she does.&amp;quot; So you&amp;#039;re going to have to be the strong one and deal with the brunt of her backlash.  The key is your approach. Tell her that you care about her and you&amp;#039;re concerned about her behavior. Whatever you do, don&amp;#039;t call her out for her stupid antics or blame her for being crazy and irresponsible\u2014it&amp;#039;ll just make her defensive. Put the onus on you and say something like &amp;quot;It freaked me out when you...,&amp;quot; says Beveridge. This will clue her in to the fact that her actions are affecting others. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s not all about her,&amp;quot; says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends, True Friends. &amp;quot;Let her know that she may not only be hurting herself but also the people she cares about.&amp;quot;  It might also help to do some research and have the name of a therapist or support group on hand that could get her back on the right track. &amp;quot;Explain that you&amp;#039;re not equipped to help her and she needs someone who&amp;#039;s trained to deal with these kinds of things,&amp;quot; says Isaacs. You can soften the blow by offering to go with her if she needs the support. Knowing that you&amp;#039;re there for her may make it easier. Hopefully, she&amp;#039;ll recognize that you&amp;#039;re doing what any good friend would do and heed your advice.   Hard as it may be, if she doesn&amp;#039;t come around, you might have to put the kibosh on this lethal friendship. After all, there&amp;#039;s only so much time and effort you can expend on an out-of-control pal, no matter how much you care about her. &amp;quot;A friend is not supposed to A friend is not supposed to be someone who drains you,&amp;quot; says Isaacs. &amp;quot;There has to be balance and mutuality in the relationship.&amp;quot; That&amp;#039;s what Brandy, 25, realized when her friendship with Jayne, 28, became one-sided. &amp;quot;During law school, Jayne and I did everything together,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;But after graduation, she suddenly freaked out about her age and became obsessed with finding a husband. Problem was, all of her &amp;#039;relationships&amp;#039; lasted about a week, and the only time she wanted to see me was when she needed support. But talking her down from a ledge once a week was killing me. I realized I wasn&amp;#039;t getting anything out of our friendship anymore, so I told her I couldn&amp;#039;t deal with her roller-coaster moods swings or be there for her when she was never available for me.&amp;quot;  Ironically, it&amp;#039;s sometimes easier to stay friends with someone who&amp;#039;s sucking the life out of you than to sever the ties...especially for chicks. &amp;quot;Women are wired to be nurturers and tend to feel guilty about turning their backs on someone they feel needs help,&amp;quot; says Yager. &amp;quot;But you need to weigh the pluses and minuses of the friendship and put the relationship on hold if it&amp;#039;s not healthy.&amp;quot; Selfish as it may sound, it&amp;#039;s crucial to take care of yourself first. And if that means cutting her loose, do it.  Of course, you might be tempted to pull a disappearing act. Hell, it&amp;#039;s easier than confronting your friend. But acting like her last asshole boyfriend isn&amp;#039;t going to do her any favors. Instead, invite her out for coffee and explain that while you still care about her, you can&amp;#039;t hang out until she cleans up her act because it&amp;#039;s bringing you down. &amp;quot;Leave the door open for reconnecting if she pulls herself together,&amp;quot; suggests Beveridge. If things end amicably, drop her an e-mail every once in a while to see how she&amp;#039;s doing. Meanwhile, find some buddies who prefer watching The O.C. when they need a dose of drama. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/advice/a1887/trainwreck-friend/>