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" Dear E. Jean: My husband and I live in a gorgeous house in beautiful Hawaii, and we love entertaining friends and family for short visits. However, my sloppy, crude, inconsiderate in-laws think it&amp;#039;s okay to descend upon us and stay for a month! They refuse to budge because they say they have a &amp;quot;free place&amp;quot; with us. They&amp;#039;re threatening to stay longer on their next visit! I will go absolutely crazy! How can I tell them 10 days is the limit without upsetting my husband and father-in-law?\u2014Besieged in Paradise Besieged, my blossom: You have a couple of options: The Black Widow Gambit.   I ran this superb strategy a half dozen times when I lived in Montana. My guests would arrive fired up about fly-fishing, horseback riding, hiking, etc. After the hugging and the drinking of Piper-Heidsieck, I&amp;#039;d take them on a tour of the ranch, including my office, which was in the pump shed. Once inside, I&amp;#039;d lower my voice to a whisper, turn on a flashlight, and illuminate in their stunning glory no less than 14 live black widow spiders. The &amp;quot;little women,&amp;quot; besides being able to eat their husbands and send humans into asphyxia, were remarkably timid and lived in a maze of webs above my desk. As my guests staggered backward out of the shed, I would simply say, &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t worry! There&amp;#039;re hardly any in the house, except for the guest room.&amp;quot; Four days was the longest any visitors stuck it out. For that hardened bunch of rascals (your in-laws), I suggest you employ the &amp;quot;Plague of the Hawaiian Centipedes.&amp;quot; When the in-laws arrive, simply hurl their bags into the guest room, slam the door, and run. If they inquire further, whisper: &amp;quot;Centipedes.&amp;quot; If they clutch you by the shoulders and demand details, refuse. The Sightseeing Maneuver.  Pre-visit, plan several outings and research hotels for your in-laws and then tell your husband: &amp;quot;Darling! I&amp;#039;m arranging such merry entertainments for your parents&amp;#039; visit, but it&amp;#039;s difficult fitting everything into a week.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;A week?&amp;quot; your husband will ask. &amp;quot;Yes! Seven fun-filled, festive days.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;But they&amp;#039;re staying a month.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Yes, darling, but a month is too long for anyone. And if they don&amp;#039;t spend the rest of their trip at one of these hotels, I will.&amp;quot; Whereupon you will compromise, agreeing to &amp;quot;enjoy&amp;quot; them for a mere two weeks. Related: Ask E. Jean: When Is It Okay to Have an Affair? Related: Ask E. Jean: How To Not Live With His Parents Related: Ask E. Jean: How To Deal With Discriminating In-Laws "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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