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"    Ah, Valentine&amp;#039;s Day. A time that drudges up anxieties that took root in us as schoolchildren. Does Kevin Cunningham like me? Does he even know I exist? Will he &amp;quot;choo-choo-choose me,&amp;quot; or is it Ashley Beth Martin he&amp;#039;s had his eye on? And, most importantly, what the hell am I going to write on his card? I know from episodes of The Wonder Years that I&amp;#039;ve gotta play it cool. Is &amp;quot;I love you and everything you&amp;#039;ve ever done, how about you get a motorcycle, change your name to Johnny, and we&amp;#039;ll wrestle naked on it to make babies together like they do on my mom&amp;#039;s soap operas&amp;quot; too much? I don&amp;#039;t know! These are the feelings that have followed so many of us into our adult lives. How much is too much information in a Valentine&amp;#039;s card? How serious and sentimental should I be? Where do I even begin? Well, fellas, I say: Make her laugh, make her laugh, make her laugh. After all, the strongest relationships are the ones in which you can laugh with your partner through anything. So, a few suggestions.  First: Do not be afraid to use lots of words. You&amp;#039;ve got a lot of emotion to get across. To reveal your intentions through the classic poem card: &amp;quot;Roses are red, violets are blue, I know where you live, and I watch you at night through your windows, and you seem really lonely so do you just want to go to a movie sometime or something?&amp;quot;  To express your joy about a great new relationship with an insight into your life: &amp;quot;You are not the first woman I&amp;#039;ve ever been in love with, that was my mother, but you are the first woman I&amp;#039;ve ever been in love with who has willingly had sex with me. So thank you for that.&amp;quot;  To profess your eternal love to your life partner with a promise: &amp;quot;I love you so much that I will crush your spirit and drown your soul so you can&amp;#039;t imagine your life without me.&amp;quot; The way to a woman&amp;#039;s heart is, well, physically \u2014 either through her mouth or her vagina \u2014 but the way to her metaphysical heart is through her funny bone. So be yourself, and give her a good chuckle. Unless you&amp;#039;re not funny. Then be me. Trust me, I have a way with the ladies. Or I did in college. Too much information? Damn it, I did it again. Mary Elizabeth Ellis can be seen on NBC&amp;#039;s Perfect Couples playing a sociopathic bride-to-be, when she&amp;#039;s not appearing on FX&amp;#039;s It&amp;#039;s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a9396/funny-valentines-day-card-ideas/>