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"I never had much of a thing for Ashton Kutcher. I always thought he was an immature punk. I&amp;amp;#8217;d watched a few episodes of That &amp;amp;#8216;70s Show and the movie Guess Who. Eh. I caught the Nikon COOLPIX commercials. Nothing. No spark. But then I saw What Happens in Vegas, and, well&amp;amp;#133;those cheekbones got me. I don&amp;amp;#8217;t know why it took so long for them to reach out to me. Oh, Ashton! You didn&amp;amp;#8217;t have to get me this mink coat. I forgive you for not serving me breakfast in bed this morning. Recently, I started following Ashton on Twitter. He has a very interesting life compared to us mortals. And the masculine timbre of his tweets are a breath of fresh air next to the usual updates I get about bikini waxes, chocolate, and baby monitors. Suddenly my day is infused with quick, far-flung declarations such as &amp;amp;#8220;going live from Monaco,&amp;amp;#8221; &amp;amp;#8220;bit of a chill in frankfurt this morning,&amp;amp;#8221; and even enigmatic advice: &amp;amp;#8220;you don&amp;#x27;t mess with a man&amp;#x27;s wopper.&amp;amp;#8221; (He means a Burger King Whopper. Look&amp;amp;#8212;I&amp;amp;#8217;m so enamored I&amp;amp;#8217;m willing to overlook his spelling errors!) For a long time, I had managed to be pretty aloof about Facebook and all that networking and sharing stuff. Until now. I have become somewhat of a monomaniac about a married actor I will never meet, unless I break into his house. Ashton has 521,041 followers on Twitter, although the number grows every minute. He is only following 57 people. I would pass out if he suddenly started following me. But then I&amp;amp;#8217;d have to get interesting real quick. Which means I&amp;amp;#8217;d have to stop staring at my computer screen and BlackBerry. Which means I&amp;amp;#8217;d have to go back out to (gasp) the real world where I might meet an available man. Well. I guess it&amp;#x27;s for the best, Ashton. I&amp;amp;#8217;m sorry. We probably shouldn&amp;#x27;t see each other for a while, except on the BIG screen! Has a guy ever piqued your interest, compelling you to do a little online research&amp;amp;#133;and suddenly it turned into a full-blown crush? Had to include this one, even though I look like a Velociraptor with the short forehead and wide jaw. The coat looks good, though! (Shout out to Joanna M. in the photo department! You are a genius!!!) P.S. Do you go out on a gajillion first dates but never get a second? Let Jake, Glamour&amp;amp;#8217;s man-columnist help you! Write to him here. Photo: Dominique Charriau/WireImage.com (close-up); Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images (full-length)."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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