Send us your funniest cracker jokes using the form below and we will publish the best.
A selection of your favourite cracker jokes:
What did the brave stone say to the shy pebble? "You ought to be a little boulder!"
Two sausages in a frying pan. One said to the other: "It ain't 'alf hot in here." The other one replied: "Blimey, it's a talking sausage."
Why shouldn't you offer cigarettes to elves?
Because they are bad for your elf.
Why has Edward Woodward got so many D's in his name ?
Cos if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar.
Where do bees come from? Sting-a-paw (sorry!)
Simon Watkins, Wales, UK
What do you get if you cross a millipede with a microphone? A walkie-talkie.
Karl Shivers, UK
What goes "splish splosh" and comes from cows? The Isle of Wight ferry.
Did you hear about the two fish in a tank?
One said to the other: "How do you drive this thing then?"
Stef Robb, Scotland
What goes: "Snort, snort, can I have a plate please"? A bull in a china shop.
Last night I dreamt I'd written Lord of the Rings
when I woke up this morning I realised I'd just been Tolkien in my sleep.
David Brodie, UK
Where do Astronauts leave their spaceships?
What do you call a tellytubby who's been burgled?
Kay Chadwick, UK
Why isn't Cinderella good at football? Because she has a pumpkin for a coach and runs away from the ball.
How do you prevent your mouth freezing?
Grit your teeth.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had low "elf" esteem!
Lorraine Patterson, UK
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm.
"A pint of lager please ..." says the man.
"... Oh, and I better have one for the road."
Scott Wardrop, Scotland
Did you hear about the two aerials who got married - apparently the reception was brilliant.
There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Keith Collantine, UK
Two snowmen in a garden - one says to the other "can you smell carrots"?
Andy Prescott, England
Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt? Because his career was in ruins.
Michael Street, UK
What do you call a team of people who have spent time and money investigating how best to pull a cracker? Oh, that is the joke.
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
Phil Winterhalder, UK
What is ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
Erik Bean, England
Which cheese never tells the truth? Lychees.
Richard Zheng, UK
What goes splash, splash, splash, splash, splash, splash, splash, clop? An octopus with a wooden leg.
Simon J King, UK
I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow for Christmas. I phoned her later to see if she got my drift.
Phil Johnston, UK
Where does Santa go when he is sick? The national elf service.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in his bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a strong currant.
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