|low graphics version | feedback | help|
|You are in: Talking Point|
Tuesday, 20 March, 2001, 11:52 GMT
Send us your favourite joke for Comic Relief
It is that time of year again. Red Nose Day is back.
The charity fundraising event will culminate Friday with a seven hour-long TV extravaganza on BBC1.
A whole host of celebrities, and ordinary people, will be making complete fools of themselves to raise money for good causes in the UK and abroad.
There will be lots of jokes, most of them good, some of them very bad.
So why don't you send us your favourite joke? We'll publish as many as we can, even if they are bad. After all, if Lenny Henry can get away with it, why can't you?
And remember, if you want to donate to Comic Relief, call 08457 910 910 or visit the Comic Relief website
This Talking Point has now closed. Read a selection of your comments below.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?
Rolf Harris was going to get married to a Kangaroo, but she broke it off because she didn't want to be tied down..
Hear about the man with two left feet?
He went into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of flip flips...
Two lawyers are hiking in the mountains when they see a mountain lion about to attack them. Lawyer one starts to take off his backpack. Lawyer two asks him what he is doing. "Getting ready to run," replies lawyer one. "You're crazy, you can't outrun that cat," says lawyer two. Lawyer one responds, "I don't have to outrun the cat, I just have to outrun you".
How do you confuse an Irishman
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
What is green, has four legs and, if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?
A Billiard Table.
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Where they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how these politicians lie."
Putin: oh what an year!
Lil' Johnny's mother asked him, "Why did you get such a low mark on
that test?" "Because of absence," he replied.
"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" she asked.
Lil' Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."
Wife: If I will be granted another life to live over again, I would pass away through the narrow street to escape from you!
A dog with big floppy ears walks into a bar, walks up to the barman and says: "Have you got any bread?" The barman says: "No."
An eccentric guy drove around in buggy pulled by a female ostrich. One day he was out driving and the ostrich slipped its harness and ran away. A policeman found him stranded on the side of the road and asked what happened. The guy said "my big hen's gone"
Madonna doesn't have one, the Pope has one but he doesn't use it, Arnold Schwarzenegger has one and it's a long one. What is it?
An English gentleman
is travelling through Mexico and gets lost, he stops and asks a rural folk where he is:
"You are in the Jalisco Highlands", he replies, "where men are real men and women are real women" - An excellent combination, he replies.
There were three escaped convicts running from the police. With the police right on their tails, the convicts run into a forest and decide to climb trees to hide. The police run into the forest in hot pursuit, only to lose track of the convicts. Suddenly, one of the officers looks up and sees the shadow of one of the convicts in a tree. He alerts the other officers and asks, "What's that up in the tree?" The convict thinks quickly and replies, "Hoooo Hoooo!" The officers promptly think, "Awww, it's only an owl." So, they walk on, and stop when they spot another shadow in a nearby tree. The second convict, thinking that the first guy had the right idea, replies, "Meowww." The cops think, "Great, it's some poor cat stuck up there" and walk on. After another few minutes, the eagle-eyed officer sees the third convict and confers with his fellow officers. The third convict, seeing his cohorts good luck, decides to try the same method to fool the police below. So, he bellows at the top of his lungs, "Mooooooo!"
Q: How many union electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: Why did the whale cross the ocean?
Q. What do you have when you have three people standing on a street corner in any city in Arkansas?
What do you call a three legged donkey?
Q :How do you get holy water?
Q: How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
There are 3 kinds of people in the world ... people who can count, and people who can't.
Q: How do you get 100 Pikachu on a bus
A : You Pokemon
Draculas walking along the graveyard when all of a sudden he gets intensively pelted by fruit, veg, pasta, pizza and other nibbles.
...How did he die? Buffet the vampire slayer of course
This young boy asks he Mum
"Mum does does God live in our bathroom."
"No" replied his mother "Why"
"Well" say the boy "Every time Dad knocks on the bathroom door he shouts "God are you still in there".
Patient: Doctor I can't stop singing the green green grass of home
Dr: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome
Patient: Is that rare?
Dr: It's not unusual!
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home in retirement in South Africa when he hears the doorbell ring. Answering it he sees a Japanese guy with a truck-load of car exhausts and a clip-board yelling "You sign, you sign!" Nelson tells him that he's at the wrong place and the guy goes. Next day he's pottering in the garden when the same Japanese guy turns again with a truck-load of mud flaps and starts yelling "You sign, you sign!" Nelson is getting a bit annoyed but still politely asks the guy to go and he does. Next day Nelson is just settling down for an afternoon nap when the door is virtually knocked off the hinges by someone hammering on it. When he opens it the same Japanese guy is there with a truck-load of windscreens yelling "You sign, you sign!" By now Nelson is getting very angry and says "Look, just go away leave me alone will you!" To which the Japanese guy stops and says, "What is problem? You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
What do you call a monkey butler?
..."You Rang?" Utang
A man walks into a butcher's and asks 'Have you got a pig's head?'
'I certainly have.' replies the butcher.
'Give me a pound of sausages then, you porky-faced twit.'
Sequel to Dave Braithwaite's joke:
There was a man who entered a local paper's
pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in
the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Good King Wenceslas phones pizza hut...
"Just the usual, he says, deep pan, crisp and even..."
The Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of letting up.
Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank
plans to cut back some of its branches
Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500
back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank
and staff there fear that they may get a raw deal.
David and Victoria Beckham come back from a holiday in New York and from the airport they decide to take a cab back home, on the way the driver asks them about their holiday, what they did and if there were any decent restaurants there.
'oh yeah' says David 'there was a great one in Manhattan, can't remember the name of it. Name a railways station in London'
The cabbie is at first confused but obliges
'Nah that's not it' says David
'Nope' comes a reply
The cabbie now starts to get fed up and tries one more time.
'Ah yeah' Replies David
'Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant in New York?'
A Polo mint is sitting in the pub having a quiet pint with his mate, Trebor.
Suddenly, in walks Tune, who struts around the pub looking for a seat, but all the seats are taken.
He walks up to Polo, pushes him off the seat and sits down.
Polo walks out, followed by Trebor.
"What did you let him do that for?" Asks Trebor, "You don't want to let a mint like that push you about".
"Yeah!" says Polo, "But that's Tune, and I'm not going to upset him!".
"Why the hell not?" queries Trebor.
"Because he's Menthol".
This one seems very apt given the current government: "The trouble with political jokes is when they get elected"
I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director.
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
A panda walks into a bar and eats a bag of crisps, shoots the barman and then walks out again. Confused, the landlord looks up 'Panda' in his encyclopaedia. It says 'Panda - mammal from China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Do you know the name of Jack the Rippers dog? Easy its Jack the Russell!
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
...Because proper tea is theft.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A fish
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
...One to change the bulb and four to sing about how good the old one was.
What's got 4 legs and an arm?
This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he
goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet
shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK,
thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought one and took it
A dog walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and says "Can I have a Pint of Guinness and a packet of Cheese and Onion crisps please?"
"Sure" says the barman.
He hands over the pint and crisps and takes the dogs money, and the dog then retires to the beer garden.
Whilst all this was going on a man who was just down the bar from the dog, was watching this with his mouth wide open.
After the dog had gone he turned to the guy next to him and said "Did.....did you see that.....? That dog just came into the pub and ordered a pint and a bag of crisps!!!!"
"So?..." the other guy said.
"well....don't you think that is a BIT unusual?" said the man.
"Actually, now you mention it yes it is.." says the other guy, " He usually orders Salt and Vinegar."
To: Sir A. Ferguson
From: The Manager
The Vale of Glamorgan Country Hotel
Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5 - One to change the light bulb, one to drive them up from Torquay, one to buy the commemorative 'Changing of the Light Bulb' T-shirt, Lampshade, Car sticker etc, one to claim they've been attending light bulb changing all their lives but have never been to the actual place where light bulbs are changed and one to complain about the state of the pitch of the light bulb fails.
Two vampire bats wake up, on says I'm starving and flies off out of his cave. Two minutes later he's back, face covered in blood.
The second bat asks where he's been to which the first bat says
have you seen that tree just out side the cave?
yes said the second.
Well I didn't!
What's grey and can't climb trees?
After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job. The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head. It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead. When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is. Replying, he says, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
Where would you find a dog with no legs?
... Where you left it!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
... A carrot!
A piece of tarmac walks into the bar and orders a pint. He then knocks over a pint, which belongs to a piece of asphalt.
The asphalt roars "Hey, what on earth do you think you're doing?"
"Sorry mate, look, OK, I'll buy you another pint" - which he duly does.
A little while later another road type material walks in and knocks over the asphalt's pint.
The asphalt says to the new guy, "its OK, don't worry about it, I'll get myself a new one."
The new guy walks away, and the tarmac asks the asphalt, "why didn't you shout at him."
The asphalt replied, "can't you tell? He's a cyclepath!"
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar. The barman
says "Look, is this some sort of joke?"
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Two eggs in a pan. One says to the other "It's hot in here". The other says "AAAARRRGGGGHHH - A talking egg!"
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows
frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With
his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his
kids ? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his
Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter, love?" asked
the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows
the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
for her deed, but she declined his offer and walked off across the
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer. "Who was it?"
OK, So there was an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
What's the difference between an elephant and a polo mint?
...One's big and grey with a trunk and round feet and the others sort of small and white with a hole in the middle, obviously.
There are two Parrots sitting on a perch.
The first parrot turns to the second parrot and says:
"Can you smell fish?"
A man walks into a bar.. and says "Ouch."
What the difference between Newcastle United and a Tea Bag?
¿A tea bag stays in the cup longer.
There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?".
One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it
up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant
you your fondest wish," the genie said.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on
an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
¿To get to the other slide.
There were two cows in a field.
One says to the other one "have you
heard about this mad cow disease?"
The other cow replies "It doesn't bother
me, sure I'm a tractor anyway"
Passing Prison Time
2 flies in an airing cupboard, which one is in the army? The one on the tank
A man went into an Indian restaurant and asked for a chicken Tarka,
Surely you mean a Chicken tikka said the waiter.
Well its like a chicken tikka just a little 'otter.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, he orders two pints of beer and they are duly delivered. The man starts to drink his pint slowly but the giraffe downs his in one and falls dead on the floor.
The man finishes his pint and gets up to leave, the bartender point to the dead giraffe and calls out "Hey you can't leave that lying here". The man replies..."That's not a lion, it's a bleeding giraffe!".
David Beckham turns up for training one
morning carrying a Thermos flask. Alex
Ferguson asks "What's that Dave?"
Why did the prawn leave the night-club?
...Because he pulled a mussel.
David Beckham was at the Eminem gig the other week. Apparently he really enjoyed them on Sesame Street and he's going to see P, Q and R next week.
Said in a Scottish accent What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?
...Bing sings and Walt Disney.
Quazimodo, Cinderella and Tom Thumb sitting around the house. Cinderella says "Hey you guys, I bet I'm the prettiest girl in the world...I'll go and ask the mirror" Sure enough, Cindas returns with a smile on her face "Told you - I AM the prettiest girl in the world" Tom gets up "I bet I'm the smallest person in the world...I'll go and ask the mirror..." True to form, Tom returns with a smile on his face..."Yep - Told you" Quazi then says "I bet I'm the ugliest person in the world..." He returns looking very unhappy and asks "Who's this Anne Robinson?"
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A Stick!
Shocking news just in:...
....They think it could be an outbreak
of Futon Mouse disease.
Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?
Answer: Because he would be called Ewar Woowar if he didn't!
Other Talking Points:
Links to more Talking Point stories
|^^ Back to top
News Front Page | World | UK | UK Politics | Business | Sci/Tech | Health | Education | Entertainment | Talking Point | In Depth | AudioVideo
To BBC Sport>> | To BBC Weather>>
© MMIII | News Sources | Privacy