Paper Monitor: Opal Fruit and enlarged ears
Do you feel Old Father Time sneaking up on you?
Then the Daily Mail's 50 signs of ageing might be for you.
Feeling stiff? Groaning when you bend down? Gasping for a cup of tea? Not knowing any songs in the Top 10? Forgetting people's names? Struggling to use technology?
That's just an ordinary day for Paper Monitor - who deliberately puts things at certain heights so one doesn't have to bend over.
But, according to researchers, these are among the tell-tale signs of getting old. The list isn't new - neither is it rocket science - but it does make amusing reading, nonetheless.
Ears getting bigger comes in at number 47 - although the very same phenomenon came in at number 24 in an extremely similar survey in the Daily Mirror two years ago.
In that roundup, number 50 was "wearing head-to-toe beige", but this doesn't appear in the Mail's list.
Could it be because beige, aka "champagne" or "nude", are the go-to colours for Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, poster girl for yummy-mummies-to-be and the Mail's perfect woman?
Riffing on number 28 - "You talk to colleagues who are so young they don't know what an Opal Fruit is" - Paper Monitor would like to add that you're really showing your age if you can recall all five of the original Fry's Five Centres (* answers at the bottom of the page).
What about number 31 - "Falling asleep after one glass of wine"? There are surely sprightly 30-year-olds who can admit to that one. Up during the previous night with the baby... long, hard day at work... four beers before that one glass of wine.
The survey did, however, find that most of the 200 people polled didn't feel there was a set age at which someone becomes "old".
So, it is with a spring in its step that Paper Monitor ventures out to nearby Oxford Street in search of a nice pair of beige slacks. Wonder if they come in one's size?
*Orange, raspberry, lime, strawberry and pineapple