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3 Questions South African Expats Ask - Marlize Venter
die eerste 1000 dae van migrasie – Gratis e-boek
Dear Migrant to the Great South Land
November 8, 2015 by Marlize 8 Comments
“So tell me, what does your husband do?”
And I cringe, because I know, it is not that they mean to be so… so South African, (even though they think they are not), it is just that their frame of reference has not changed yet.
The nasty Aunty Acid, hiding deep within me, wants to say, “Why? So that you can evaluate whether I fit into your social standing? Do you think that I am defined by what my husband does? Do you really think that you are able to decide whether or not you will like me, and want to be my friend based on what my husband does? I mean really mate!”
There are three questions that new South African Expats inevitably ask. Questions meant to suss out your social standing in South Africa. It is their attempt to make sense of the new hierarchy that they are confronted with when they arrive here. The new hierarchy : which is a shocker because there is not really much of a social class structure amongst most of the Australian population.
What are the three questions?
So, tell me, what does your husband do?
Quite frankly, it does not matter mate! As long as he has a job, earns money honestly, and take care of his family. I do not care whether he sweeps the streets, drives the garbage truck, cleans the toilets or mows the lawns. He works, he sacrifices to keep his family fed and clothed and that is more than enough. Why not ask what I do?
You will soon come to discover that people here don’t mind whether you have a degree or social standing when they become your friend. The question is, do you have what it takes to be a friend, irrespective of your accomplishments?  And please… puhleeze, people here do not care if you were in Grey College, Potch Gimnasium or St Michaels in gawd-knows-where. Honestly, if you have not been able to progress from name dropping where you went to school, you surely have not achieved much.
Where did you live in South Africa?
There are two ways to address this question: Just say the town or city, people will relate, but I honestly DO NOT have to know the name of the estate, with the private security guard and the 6 feet high walled mansion that you lived in. Does it matter? I lived in Doornpoort where I could hear the gunshots of trigger happy illegals every weekend. Do you think people will be impressed by your home in Waterkloof? Really?
What car did you drive?
Why? Did my little Opel Astra not get me from A to B? I also had air-conditioning, I could also do 120km/h and I had airbags. It was a car! Does it really matter? Really? Are you for real?
Look, I get it, you are making small talk. You are trying to figure out who is who and how you fit in. Still, something that many people echo when they have been here a while is that they have become friends with people they would not normally be friends with.
Why? What makes it so different now? Why would the mine manager and the boiler maker now be best mates when they would not even imagine doing it back in the “when we” time of their lives?
I think it is because when you come to the Great South Land Down Under, the playing field is levelled. You become more than just your job, or the house you live in or the car you drive, or the religion you profess, or the places you shop. You come here and you discover a bit about yourself and others, and you come to learn that we are not different at all. We all have the same need of safety and freedom, and love and acceptance.
Dear Migrant to the Great South Land,
please, please do not ask me or any other person the questions, “So, tell me what you husband does, where did you live, or what did you drive.”
Rather ask me, “Who are you, what is important to you, what gives you joy?”
What your husband does is not important to me, I am not married to him, and it will not make me like you more or less. My question when meeting new people is not what I can get from them, but what I can contribute to them. I honestly do not care where you lived in South Africa. Neither do I care what car you drove.
May you experience Aussie mateship even amongst your former countrymen. May you find friends here that you would not normally be friends with. May you discover yourself in this great land, as so many of us seem to have done.
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Posted in: Blog, Dear Migrant to the Great South Land Tagged: Australia, Immigrant, Immigrating to Australia, Living in Australia, South Africa, The South African
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November 8, 2015 at 10:09 am
Love it! Every word is spot on
November 8, 2015 at 11:01 am
So bek moet jam kry!!!
November 8, 2015 at 4:46 pm
Ek het alles geglo wat jy se toe ek in NZ aangekom het.Ek het geglo dat waar jy woon,wat jy doen en wat jy verdien nie saakmaak in NZ nie.Ek stem saam ek stel nie in jou SA adres of watse kar jy gery het belang nie,maar boeta die kiwis stel BAIE belang in wat jy doen en hoeveel geld jy het.Die skole se hul graag vir nuwe immigrante,is almal ewe goed.Dis uiterste groot snert.My familie in Aus het dit ook beleef:die skoolwaarheen jou kind gaanis uiters belangrik vir toekomstige verdienste,plek in kursusse en die uni’s waartoe hul toegelaat word.In Aus is semi-privaat beter as staat en privaat beter as semi-privaat en die staatskole word nie geag nie.In NZ,is sekere gebiede se staatskole hoogs aanvaarbaar en andere absoluut gladnie.Daar word gewoon gelieg vir nuwelinge dat daar soveel gelykheid is-daar is gelykheid vir BUITESTAANDERS,dus nuwer immigrante,maar dis regtig nie waar in die breer gemeenskap nie.Die snobisme is subtieler maar niks minder dodelik as in SA nie.Gaan grawe bietjie en vind die “versteekte statistieke” tov die “regte skole” en “regte areas” en begryp dat ons as SAs buite die ingeligte kringe is en dat ons mekaar eerder moet bystaan,as beduiwel soos so dikwels gebeur.Ons is almal nuut en ons verstaan NIE die “fynskrif” in die nuwe lande nie en ons moet maar eerder beter vriende maak met Aussies en kiwis en leer
November 8, 2015 at 6:16 pm
Baie dankie vir jou terugvoering. Ek stem saam ten opsigte van die nuwe vriendskappe wat gesmee moet word.
Ons bly al sewe jaar hier, en in die sewe jaar het ek nog nie teengekom dat my Aussie vriende enigsins bekommerd is oor waar my kinders skool gaan (ek home school) of waar ek bly watter motor ons bestuur nie. Hulle vra selde indien ooit watter werk my man doen. Ek net trouens die naweekl met ‘n ander vriendin gesels wat ook al donkie jare hier woon en sy het vertel hoe haar Aussie vriendinne eers na vier jaar gatergekom het dat sy eintlik ‘n laerskool onderwyseres in nering is.
Wat vir my hartseer is, is dat dit in my geval, juis my mede landgenote was wat hierdie vrae gevra het, en ek kon dadelik onderskei wie dit doen omdat hulle my werklik net beter wou leer ken, en die wat dit gedoen het om te oordeel of ek enige voordeel al dan nie vir hulle inhou.
Die menslike psige is nou maar eenmaal een van aanhoudende vergelyking, en selftwyfel, en ek glo dat mens oral waar jy gaan die gevoel van ‘gemeet en te lig bevind’ kan ervaar… Tog het ek hier dierbare vriende kom maak wie glad nie in my status al dan nie belangstel.
November 9, 2015 at 10:27 am
Such an erudite and insightful post. I’d never thought about the fact that we are sizing people up when we ask those questions, and call me guilty, because I often to it, and you’re right it doesn’t matter a fig where we’ve come from, what our husbands do or where we live. I guess it’s just ingenious not to have some other more interesting ‘small talk’ questions at the ready which would be far more appropriate and revealing.
November 9, 2015 at 9:22 pm
Thanks for your response:) I am just as guilty and have also learnt to evaluate the intent behind the questions though:) But after two expats told me that is what they encountered I decided, ‘Let’s get contentious and let them know how it goes.”
Though many would offer and say that Australia is not as egalitarian as I would make it out to be;)
November 26, 2015 at 1:40 pm
This has made me cry today. I live in a world where love and acceptance for whom I am does not come easily, even from the family who are supposed to unconditionally. So reading your words made me have hope and renewed purpose for our move to Oz. We are still in the process of getting all the paperwork together for our submission for a visa, but it will happen soon. And soon I will be in a place I can call home, fit in, feel safe and loved, and build a good future for my family. Thank you!
November 26, 2015 at 8:02 pm
I do hope that you find it here. But self acceptance goes a long way:) when you arrive and you need an ear let me know:) all the best for your impending move, and may you come to find what you are hoping for.
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