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November | 2008 | Animals & Feelings
I came out of my room smiling like a baby, I just couldn’t help it, my mouth from one ear to the other! I watched Hook. I am Peter Pan. I imagine my meals.
Nothing makes me happier than old children’s movies from the 90’s. I don’t know why, but everything seems to really hit my strings – the strangest things make me cry these days.
I remember the dreams I have, behind my shelf that small door to that dimmly lit room with all the toys from my childhood, carpet on the walls.
I want to be a boy for ever.
It never ceases to amaze me, how remarkably warmer and nicer people are when I am far away.
Posted on November 27, 2008 | Leave a comment
Ég á það til að festast í frásögn, ef ég les of mikið. Hann opnaði dyrnar og bjó sig undir napuran kuldann sem beið hans fyrir utan, hlakkaði til að faðma hann eins og örgeðja barn sem var að hoppa úr baðkarinu. Hann hafði kíkt inn í hvert skipti sem einhver kom inn og opnaði hurðina upp á gátt, eins og hali sem sveiflast inn um gættina, þeytir þungt loftið sem baðar sig í anddyrinu og klýfur hann í sundur. Þú veist hvernig þú labbar á móti köldum vindinum – þú hallar þér öllum fram eins og til að ýta vindinum til hliðar með höfðinu, kljúfa hann með brúninni eins og hún væri oddur á hníf. En vindurinn, hann er endlaus þráður sem aldrei er hægt að rekja upp til hlítar. Hann lyftir peysu þinni ofan af mittinu, hendur hans læðast upp um bringuna og grípa fast um hálsinn. Hann mjókkar þinn um helming, þú dregur bumbuna inn í þig og heldur í hana eins og í ófætt barn. En þessi steig út. Hann labbaði, næstum hljóp yfir klökugu göturnar eins og á skíðum. Hann ætlaði heim til sín, eftir langan dag sem hékk niður um hægri öxlina og gerði hann skakkan. Helvítis vindur, blæs alltaf framan í mann. Hann gekk yfir tjörnina, en þar blés vindurinn enn harðar. Svanirnir í fullu kafi undir vatninu, hvort eru þeir að jórtra í botnleðjuna eða að forðast rokið? Hann fór allt í einu að verða svanur – hví ekki, hugsaði hann. Þeir eru mjóir og fallegir, og börnin alltaf svo fús í að gefa þeim brauð að bíta í. Ég mundi aldrei vera svangur, væri ég svanur. En vetrarkuldinn sleit hugsuninni og knúði litla skrokkinn áfram – nú hljóp hann hvað af tók. Hann hafði misst af sólinni þann dag, tunglið kærði sig ekki um að skína neitt. Augun í honum voru orðin vön gulum bjarma ljósastanganna. Hann var meira að segja hræddur um að renna saman við bjarmann – hann var sjálfur orðinn gulur.
Posted on November 25, 2008 | Leave a comment
Ég elska íslensku. Ég vildi kunna hana eins og vel menntaður innfæddur. En ég elska líka leitina að árangri. Ég las um daginn þessa setningu:
Leitin er sjálf tilgangurinn. Niðurstaðan myndi svipta okkur honum.
Hún á við svo margt í lífi mínu, að ég velti því fyrir mér hvort hægt væri að lýsa betur því sem knýr mig til óviss áframhalds. Þegar ég hlusta á viss lög með Björk sé ég fyrir mér síður úr bókinni sem reyndist mér besti og traustasti íslenskukennarinn þegar uppi er staðið. Þá finn ég fyrir eins konar afturþrá, mig fer að langa að byrja allt upp á nýtt, lesa þessa bók og sökkva djúpt inn í myndríkan minningarheim, safn af úrklippum úr bæklingum um Ísland, myndum sem ég skoðaði eitt kvöldið á netinu, ímyndunarafli mínu.
Ég sé gráan himininn yfir Reykjavík, götur sem eru ekki til, fólk á kaffihúsi, unglinga að hossa sér á styttu. Og þetta allt er lærdómsheimur minn.
Posted on November 25, 2008 | Leave a comment
I have come up with the following plan to work on details of myself which seem to stand out enough as to cause me serious problems.
1. Increase privacy and decrease intimacy
I have a ridiculous need for intimacy. I can hardly share it when it comes to its barest form. Sexuality has to be enclosed in a space nearly too small to be shared.
I have nearly no privacy. I often open up to people who hardly know me, in such a complete way, that afterwards I feel humiliated and empty, naked and little. I have to learn to retain most of this to myself and still show warmth.
2. Decrease display of curiosity about my own self
I am always very curious as to what people think of me. But sometimes I ask too many questions, and this has created a need to know – an insecurity. I know I am able to decrease the displays of it because I used to be fairly unaffected by what people thought of me.
3. Be more sensitive to the context in which I speak
I tend to speak far too much without realizing to whom I am speaking, why or in which context. This also creates in me a feeling of insecurity and humiliation – too much exposition while others simply witness the ordeal.
4. Take more pauses to consider the angle at which I am looking at things
I can sometime focus too intensively on details and situations, and then I completely forget where I am, or what the whole of what I am looking at actually is. I should close my eyes, move around and open then again – appreciate the difference.
5. Take this seriously and apply it as often as I can
I often want to take these decisions but they rarely last very often. I do well until I lend in one of these situations again.
The aim of this plan is not to become someone else, but to have better control on what I can be.
Finally, I have a mother.
Posted on November 22, 2008 | Leave a comment
I took pictures yesterday with Kael. Technically they are not particularly good, but somehow I can’t stop looking at them. I think there seems to be somekind of cover over them, like a film about, 30 or 40 centimeters over the subject – maybe a blanket. Something that would alter the light. But there was nothing, in reality.
Flying ships rushing through the sky
Posted on November 22, 2008 | Leave a comment
I have a rare kind of dream, marging on a nightmare. The setting is always different, but they are always outside, during the day, with a bright sky, blue. Something starts going wrong, but I am never exactly sure that it is actually wrong. Then, enormous flying things appear in the sky, rush through it either rapidly or very slowly. Unusually things, usual large machines – huge tank ships, oil drilling stations, planes without wings in strange shapes, like whole buildings.
Tonight, we were driving along the St-Lawrence river on the south shore, and all of a sudden all the tank ships on the water started to burst into flames. I wasn’t certain if it was normal – a feeling of uncertainty spread over me and everyone else, like a catastrophy on the verge of happening, everyone uniting in fear and misunderstanding. Then, huge tank ships start to fly through the sky like jet planes, at amazing speeds. In the car with my mother and my brother, we were going to the airport to get my brother (I only have one brother). Airplanes started crashing down onto the highway. I remember hearing the grinding sound, shaking the car and everything around us.
I love these dreams. They give me such a strange feeling, like something new that had never happened before just happened, and it’s wrong.
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