en en en en es es it id en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en ca es es ne en kn en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en fa en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en es nl en en ru en az en en en en en en en en pt en en en en en en en en en en en en en fa en en
Self-publishing is such a bizarre ability that used to not really even be a thing. If you wanted to broadcast your thoughts you had to get on a stage or just… be really loud?
But now we can all self-publish anything, any time, and that is pretty crazy. Social media makes it so we all are celebrities, kind of – we’re all constantly presenting ourselves to each other in a packaged form.
It’s why Facebook drove me crazy in high school… oh boy we’re about to get way too personal. But is that not what I do best?
So, I didn’t have my first kiss until I was in college and it drove me, and I can’t emphasize this enough – CRAZY. All I ever wanted as a kid was to find true love, or whatever version of it I believed in at the time. It wasn’t that I was a horny kid (yep, I guess we’re going there…) – it was that I was a lonely kid. I wanted emotional intimacy. I wrote short stories about parents who kissed with their mouths just a little bit open with the smallest amount of tongue in front of their kids because I thought the idea of being so in love you couldn’t help doing that even in front of your kids (imagine the horror!) was so romantic. I was… a really strange kid, is my point. It wasn’t that my parents weren’t affectionate with each other, but they were always good at hiding it, I think, so I thought when I grew up I wanted the kind of love where you can’t help but be disgustingly affectionate all the time.
I don’t know. The point is, it was all I wanted, and I was never worried about losing my virginity or anything, I didn’t want to fit in, necessarily, but I felt so… incomplete, I guess, having never kissed anyone by the time I graduated high school. And I felt like everyone knew, and that Facebook was partly responsible for this by having the option of displaying your relationship status, and I hated that I had to watch all the less dweeb kids get into and out of relationships and talk to each other on this platform where all I ever did was post song lyrics and have bizarre in-jokes with my fellow dweebs.
Which was fine. I loved my friends and I knew that I had a good life. But it was a very lonely one, still, and more than anything I wanted to feel what it felt like to be close to someone and to be able to put all the warm, fuzzy feelings I got from having “crushes” on people somewhere.
But it just never quite panned out, partly because I was shy and insecure, and partly because my approach had zero subtlety or sexiness to it, at all, maybe partly because I just wanted it too badly.
But that’s a very scary thing to do. Especially given that the internet is also visible to potential employers. And I do think, in the long run, that this experiment will turn into something, for me, even if I don’t know exactly what that is… but that doesn’t make it any less scary right now.
I know it’s just a part of life, but I always felt a little unqualified to participate in what other people call “life” because a lot of it never made any sense to me. I refused to dress “like a girl” because I always thought it was stupid that I should have to put so much more effort into my appearance than a man does. I refused to pretend to care about things I didn’t care about, like sports, violent video games, math, and so on… I kept playing dress up with my friends until I was like 14 or something, I refused to follow trends the popular kids made up…
So that’s what I did on YouTube. But the trouble with that is… what if I take a wrong step that makes me unemployable for life? What if I already made too much about me public, including the things that are truly and deeply broken in me. What if Brene Brown was wrong, and sometimes vulnerability is just vulnerability and doesn’t serve a higher purpose but ends in me smoking crack in an alley at age 40 telling kids about how when I was their age we used cassette tapes and CD players and had to wait fifteen minutes to connect to the internet?
Crack wouldn’t be my drug of choice and I sure hope humanity moves beyond allowing addicts and mentally ill people to live in desperation, but the point stands that all of this stuff… might not be going anywhere, for me. It could just be a form of masturbating in public, but in a weird, self-deprecatory way.
I don’t know. I don’t know what my point is. I guess the point is that I’m kind of worried that I just lost my mind, for a while, and that now I have to find a way to get back into the real world at least enough to pay the bills, but… I don’t know. I guess I’m not sure I can. But you can’t admit that to your potential employers. Self doubt might as well be illegal in this economy. And I don’t know how to be anything but myself, because I’ve always been too stubborn to be anything else.
Which is good. But it sucks. I wish I had more of a mask. I wish I had more of a buffet between me and other people. But I don’t. All I want is to connect, to open mouth kiss the world and trust that it won’t get too riled up and take the intimacy I’m willing to give and ramp it up to something that no longer has anything to do with connection at all.
Does that make sense? I want to kiss the internet without fucking it, just like I want to make a living on the internet without playing the numbers games that it’s so infuriatingly easy to get sucked into.
As usual this is way, WAY, too honest, but there it is. All I can be is me. I never really had another choice.
Published November 25, 2018April 20, 2019
Previous Post I’ve always been a little weird…
Next Post “There is no object so foul that intense light will not make beautiful…”
2 thoughts on “The Internet is Bananas.”
November 25, 2018 at 4:23 pm
I’ve been quietly stalking you for a while (that sounds horrible…. ) but like not in a, “i’m going to get you” stalking murdery way….
I really admire you how open and honest you are. I struggle with anxiety and showing the internet any little part of me. Only the happy stuff, and even then I feel like I have to censor myself because of family/job/peopleingeneral. You don’t over share things about your life, though maybe things that make you smile ^_~ and make you… you. But that’s not a bad thing. I hope things work out for you… I hope you can make your living on the internet doing everything that makes you happy. I’m pretty sure what you’ve shared online would never cause a hesitation to hire you in a real world job. Keep smiling and loving the world with open mouth kisses! :heart:
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Debaucherous Dweeb says:
November 25, 2018 at 9:12 pm
You are welcome to stalk me any time, I’m so happy you commented! 😁🥰❤️
Leave a Reply Cancel reply
Enter your comment here...
Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:
Email (Address never made public)
You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )
You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )
You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )
Notify me of new comments via email.
Notify me of new posts via email.
Become a Cool Kid
Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Join 1,144 other followers
What happened to me?
An *edited letter to incels
Mental health & sassafras
“Soft to be Strong”
This is my safe space.
"What is Philosophy?" Video Extras (Part 1)
"The Society of the Spectacle"
Learning how to aim.
"There is no object so foul that intense light will not make beautiful..."
Is this the best of all possible worlds?
I guess I have a blog, now.
Sometimes it’s smart to be dumb
Mental health & sassafras
This is my safe space.
aesthetics Blog epistemology ethics logic metaphysics philosophy politics rambling sex Uncategorized youtube
No Instagram images were found.
Sexy Archives… Select Month September 2021  (1) August 2021  (1) July 2021  (1) March 2021  (1) February 2021  (1) January 2021  (2) December 2020  (2) October 2020  (1) August 2020  (1) March 2020  (3) February 2020  (2) December 2019  (1) November 2019  (1) October 2019  (2) September 2019  (1) August 2019  (1) July 2019  (2) June 2019  (1) May 2019  (1) April 2019  (2) March 2019  (3) February 2019  (1) January 2019  (1) December 2018  (5) November 2018  (5) October 2018  (3)
anaiis mitchell authenticity brene brown capitalism consent david foster wallace gratitude guy debord hadestown hope jake paul kierkegaard Leibniz media metaphysics Music mythology personal philosophy of sex plans problem of evil ralph waldo emerson random sartre self-awareness serious silly social media spectacle suffering transcendentalism video extras Voltaire vulnerability youtube