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One of single moms’ most common frustrations — and by frustrations, I mean ENRAGEMENTS — is dads who don’t stick to visitation schedules. This might mean they fail to show up for scheduled visits, cancel at the last minute — or show up unannounced, or ask for last-minute visits, messing up your life and plans.
Corrie Sirkin, a family law attorney, mediator, and divorced mom from Manassas, Va., says she frequently deals with fathers who show up late or simply don’t show up at all.
“As a single mom myself, I know how frustrating these issues can be,” Sirkin says. “We have to continue to put our children first and foremost and try to make their lives as conflict free as possible.”
So, what do you do when there is a change in visitation?
Last-minute visitation changes: How to handle
What to do if a parent is late for visitation
Visitation schedule manipulation: What to do
Tips for how to make the visitation schedule work
What to do if you don't have a visitation agreement
Last-minute visitation changes: How to handle
There are plenty of good, common reasons for last-minute visitation change: a medical emergency, parents who agree to be flexible with each other regarding work schedules, or other mutually respected explanations. However, mothers often complain that fathers keep canceling visits, and dads often say that primary-custody moms deny them visits.
However, many co-parents have too contentious of a relationship, and one parent may just not show up — or cancels the visit and refuses to see the child. Alternatively, the custodial parent may cancel the visit, prohibiting the other parent from using their visitation time.
In either case, the advice is to document the cancellation. This can be useful if you choose to pursue your custody case in court.
The real fall-out in these situations is for the kids, who are caught in the middle of their parents’ dispute. Kids can feel confused about their schedule, hurt and abandoned by the non-custodial parent (regardless of who is at fault for the missed visit), and otherwise not benefit from two parents who love and are committed to them.
Dr. Sarah Kendrick, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with Thriveworks in San Francisco, says frequent schedule changes can be difficult for the child, since children need some level of stability. However, the best approach is to speak to children in ways they’ll understand — and don’t throw your ex under the bus.
“You’re only in control of how you react,” Kendrick says. “Choose to react in the best way that you can, at least for your kids. Simply tell them there is a change in the schedule and the new schedule for now looks like X.”
Parent doesn’t show for visitation
Sirkin says if a parent regularly doesn’t show up, the court can order that both parents use Our Family Wizard or a similar app that uses location services on iPhone or Android and has check-ins to prove whether someone is on time.
Once you have documentation of the issue, you can ask the court to modify the parenting time and child support orders to reflect actual parenting time and increase child support.
“Sometimes fathers will request more parenting time simply to reduce their child support obligation rather than really wanting to spend more time with their children,” Sirkin says.
She says even if the father isn’t purposely blowing off visits — for example, if he’s absent minded or irresponsible — he’s still causing problems for the mother, who is relying on a consistent schedule and has to make alternate arrangements when he doesn’t show up.
“If someone consistently doesn't show up, you can also ask the court to change the agreement so he is responsible for the costs of a babysitter or similar childcare costs,” Sirkin says.
Late for visitation: How to handle
Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to teach him how to be a good dad or manipulate him into showing up. He is an adult, a parent, and that is his responsibility. But see what you can do to facilitate visits, even if it means doing more than you already are (which is no doubt a lot).
When the other parent is late for visitation, Sirkin says you should send a message to the parent stating:
“It is now 6:30 P.M., you have not arrived yet. When are you going to arrive?”
She recommends keeping a paper calendar specifically for parenting time that documents cancellations or late arrivals, including when you were notified.
October 1: 6:30 P.M. scheduled time, arrived at 7:14 P.M., notified at 7:05 P.M.
October 15: no show no call
Visitation schedule manipulation: What to do
If your ex doesn’t respect the schedule you’ve put into place and shows up at will, there are steps you can take — sometimes uncomfortable ones — to ensure he plays by the rules.
Kendrick recommends first trying to communicate your concerns and needs to your ex, without involving the courts.
If that doesn’t work? This is what you should do:
Parent shows up unannounced
If he shows up on, say, Saturday evening and asks to take the kids for ice cream, even though his visit is not until Wednesday, answer the door. Try not to let the kids see, but accept that they might. Tell him that this is the last time you are opening the door for a time that is outside of his visitation.
Let him leave. The end. See ya Wednesday!
If he doesn’t leave?
Be prepared to call the police. Then call your lawyer — or find one via a friend.
I do not say that lightly. Early in my divorce, I had to call the police. I think there are lots of times people call the police during divorces that are unwarranted. Just because you’re really angry doesn’t mean that the cops need to be called.
However, sometimes the other party just doesn’t understand that because he used to live in the house that is now yours, that he can’t just be there when he wants — and will not leave your apartment. Or, just because children with whom he shares joint custody live in a building, that he isn’t allowed to have keys to that building. In my case, I couldn’t make the other person understand those basic concepts. But a couple of giant, burly officers’ presence did make him understand.
So: Be prepared to call the police, and file a report.
If you threaten to call the police, then you must call the police. He already doesn’t respect you. Empty threats will make that worse.
If things get to this point, then you do need to document this unstable behavior.
Police and courts will likely escalate things, at least temporarily. But they can and do get better. In my case, things got much, much better. But it took outside agencies to impose the rules. It is ugly and embarrassing. For me, a low point. But it had to happen.
Sirkin says if the other parent is not dangerous and circumstances allow, let the children speak with them on the porch or in the yard.
“Advise him that you have plans and that you will need to leave with the children by a set time, and then leave,” she says.
Ex constantly changing visitation schedule
Occasional and justified visitation change requests are to be expected — for example, if your ex wants to take your kids to visit an in-town relative or has to cancel a visit for a doctor's appointment.
However, if you’re dealing with an ex who is constantly canceling or trying to reschedule visits, you may need to get the courts involved.
Here’s what to do:
Document everything. Keep a calendar and note all the times he is late, doesn’t show, cancels less than 3 days in advance, or cancels for reasons that are not reasonable — he has a date, is tired, not in the mood, had a fight with his boss, wants to go out, has a friend visiting. Our Family Wizard is the most popular, and most-often court-ordered co-parenting app, in which you can share calendars and document communication and missed or late visits. Try OFW with a 30-day money-back guarantee now >>
Go to court and get his visitations reduced. Bring your documentation, explain the effects this has on the kids and your own life, and ask the judge to reduce the number of times each week or month you have to be disappointed and your life upturned.
You may need to call your lawyer — or find one via a friend. Online legal services are also affordable ways lots of people can get quality advice. Don’t have a visitation agreement? Get a free template from Rocket Lawyer >>
Make him work for visitation: If he wants to see his kids, it can work to make him fight for it (as it stands, he takes visits for granted. Switch it up). It might seem counterintuitive, or passive-aggressive, but as it stands, he takes his time with the kids for granted, and approaches it with a sense of entitlement. Change that up. I tried this, and it worked.
Be open to or even ask the judge for therapeutic visits. This means the court orders the dad, the kids, and maybe even you go to therapy.
How to co-parent with a narcissistic or toxic ex — and when parallel parenting is a good idea.
How to make the visitation schedule work
If the non-custodial parent is often not showing up for visitation, sees the kids inconsistently, cancels last minute, or shows up unannounced, this is what you do:
1. Document your visitation schedule
Make sure you have a visitation schedule, and have it authorized through family court. Even if you were never married, you need to get this legally formalized.
Pull it out, make a copy, hand it to him, and tell him that that is the schedule. If he wants to change it, he is welcome to go to court and have it amended. Be polite, but firm. Say: “It is best for everyone if we all stick to a schedule. If it goes well for six months, we can start to be flexible when we need to be.”
Give him the benefit of doubt. Remember: You are changing the dynamic. Change is hard. He thought he could control you, but you are letting him know he can’t. He won’t like this. Give him an opportunity to step in line.
2. Examine the situation
Get honest with yourself: Do you contribute to the situation? You and I might make sure we see our kids, no matter what asshole tries to get involved. But, ask yourself:
Do you help create drama at pick-up or drop-off that might discourage your ex from showing up?
Do you try to micro-manage his time with the kids, creating a situation in which it’s very stressful for him to parent?
Do you otherwise not support him in his parenting? Remember, especially if you have the kids the majority of the time, it can be really hard for even the best-intentioned dads to find a parenting groove, and confidence.
3. Consider changing the visitation schedule
While it may not be fair or ideal, one parent may just not be up for the current schedule, and the other parent and the kids deserve consistency
Sometimes, a parent struggles with mental health or addiction issues and needs some support before they can get back to a regular visitation schedule
Occasionally, a parent is unsafe with the kids
Often, a parent’s work schedule prohibits them from maintaining the same schedule, or a regular schedule, and requests some flexibility. However, it can be argued that parenting time is a responsibility and the parent should be required to arrange for child care should work conflict arise.
The real reason your ex doesn't see the kids
A dad explains: “Why I don’t see my child”
What to do if you don’t have a visitation agreement?
Go to family court this week, and request a hearing to get one. I also recommend hiring an attorney if you can at all afford one. A DIY online divorce service can be a great, affordable tool to get you the documents and advice you need — whether you were married or not.
You are very vulnerable without a custody and visitation agreement, regardless of whether you were married to your kids’ ex, live in the same state or country, whether you seek/get child support, whether or not he ever sees those kids.
Caveats: OK, maybe you have one of those Gweneth Paltrow dreamy divorces where you both blow in and out of each other’s homes unprompted, are BFFs with the other’s new significant other, and vacation together with your collective broods to the Maldives. Yay you.
This post is for everyone else.
Stop calling your kids all the time when they're with their dad
Dads, if you don’t follow the visitation schedule, this is why this is totally, absolutely unacceptable:
Your co-parent is not a 24-hour bodega. She and your kids are entitled to a schedule, the ability to plan, and to count on a routine.
Parenting is not optional. You have a responsibility to your kids, and blowing them off is irresponsible, unethical, and just generally crappy.
It breaks your children’s hearts when you don’t show. They will remember.
Being lackadaisical about seeing your children sets a horrible example for your kids, and any other children in your life (e.g., your new girlfriend’s kids, or children you now have with another woman).
Even last-minute cancellations are horrible. This lets down your children, and shows a total lack of respect for their mother, who is doing the majority of your work in raising them. You are 50 percent responsible for your kids. Every minute more than 50 percent that their mother takes is a favor to you, since you cannot or will not step up. Blowing off your time with your kids is so disrespectful of this service she is already providing for you. When you don’t show up, that means that she has to cancel her plans — including a quiet evening alone with a nice, uninterrupted meal, her shows, and the dog by her side. Or, a date, because she is an adult and she is no longer your wife or girlfriend. Or a workout, or work. Her time is valuable, and you are messing with it and that is wrong.
Question for you, dude: Are you trying to control your kid’s mom by creating chaos in her schedule? Are you jealous of her new man, or otherwise trying to punish her?
Everyone needs a schedule. Kids thrive on schedules. Moms need schedules so they can organize their lives. You need a schedule. Dude, you need a schedule. I understand that your work may be unpredictable and harried. But work with your kids’ mom. She probably wants you to be involved.
If you do have to miss a visit, IMMEDIATELY offer to reschedule. YOU suggest the new time. Your ex is not your secretary. Say: “I’m really sorry but work called me in this weekend and I can’t see the kids. What do you say that I take them Wednesday through Friday instead? Or, is there another time that works for you?” That shows her that you are serious about your children, that you recognize the value of your time with them — and the impact of missing a visit.
Learn how to co-parent successfully with your ex for the sake of your kids
How about you? Does your ex do this? DID he do it? How did you manage it?
What if a parent is late for visitation?
Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to teach him how to be a good dad or manipulate him into showing up. He is an adult, a parent, and that is his responsibility. But see what you can do to facilitate visits, even if it means doing more than you already are (which is no doubt a lot). And document everything.
What if the parent doesn’t show for visitation or shows up unannounced?
If the non-custodial parent fails to see the kids consistently or cancels last minute, this is what you do: Make sure you have a visitation schedule, and have it authorized through family court.
← Learn how to co-parent successfully with your ex for the sake of your kids What is co-parenting? Find out with all the resources you need →
Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist, author and expert. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker," her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. As an expert on divorce and gender, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality and multiple state legislature hearings. More about Emma's credentials.
April 14, 2022 at 5:55 pm
Boy, this is a one sided, biased article… why do you assume its only moms that have custosy??? I am a dad, am the custodial parent , and its all i can do sometimes to leave civil remarks on these… i have an ex that cancels a visit, and then at last minute changes mind for whatever reason. Only communication allowed is text due to protective order and have proof she cancelled. Now she wants him to take to circus thats in town, but she hasn't paid a cent of child aupport. Just wondering what my options are , short of court again…..
April 14, 2022 at 4:14 pm
Boy, thisbis a one sided biased aryicle… why do you assume its only mo.s that have custosy??? I am a dad, am the custodial parent , and its all i can do sometimes to leave civil remarks on these… i have an ex that cancels a visit, and then at last minute changes mind for whatever reason. Onlt communication allowed is text due to protective order and have proof she cancelled. Now she want him to take to circus thats in town, but she hasn't paid a cent of child aupport. Just wandering what my options are , short of court again…..
Help - (ex) boyfriend lets his ex control everythingsays:
August 10, 2021 at 11:06 am
We’ve been dating about 6 months. He has 2 kids – 13 & 11. His ex cheated & they’ve been divorced about 4 years with 50/50 custody. Ex is a nightmare. Her weekends are spent working at a bar while my bf keeps the kids. He never knows when she’s coming to get them & when he asks there’s never a straight answer. His mom lives with him too – to help care for the kids. He refuses to set any boundaries with his ex. He refuses to keep up with how things go on a calendar or to stand up for himself whatsoever. When we first started dating, he said he knew the kids were getting older & he needed to create a life for himself. I was hesitant to date a man in his situation but he is a great guy, so I decided to give him a chance. Bars were closed due to covid when we first started dating, so I was unaware how bad the scheduling was. He gets off daily early afternoon & picks up the kids even on her weeks. She will come get them on her weeknights, but when is never known. After spin class, after she does whatever she wants. Absolutely no boundaries are in place. He is not willing to do the hard work to carve out time to have a life for himself. He I don’t want to be chosen over his children, but I do expect our relationship to have been a priority over his ex’s schedule. He said he made the conscious effort to always choose his kids no matter what his ex does. In my opinion, he is a huge part of the problem. Am I wrong for wanting him to step up & not be a doormat? I have told him multiple times I will not live my life according to his ex’s schedule, which is solely based on whatever SHE wants to do. She’s remarried and has plenty of help in her own home. I just don’t know how yo get through to my bf on this without seeming like I don’t respect his priorities as being a dad first. Im in my mid 30s & have no children but may want to start a family of my own in time.
May 18, 2021 at 10:01 am
Hi – my name is Jason – I haven’t seen my children for nearly 2 years. They are now 9 and 8 years old, girl and boy respectively. My wife has been able to completely alienate them from me based on the psychologist reports I have read. She has also concocted, twisted and exaggerated arguments that we had in our marriage to destroy my credibility. I am depressed, broke and trying to understand why the court system has been able to avoid hearing my side of the story. This week I was meant to have my trial to have my wife cross examined and explain her affidavit allegations, inconsistent statements and contradictions. I was told the court would not be able to complete the hearing within 3 days and unfortunately can’t be heard for another 12-18 months. By that time I would have had no contact with my children for 3.5 years. I have spent nearly $60k on the trial to date and my lawyer has quoted another $50k to continue. I pay my ex wife nearly 1/4 of my salary each month and and now living with mother at 46. There is a grave injustice being served here in this for my children, my mother, family and myself. What did my children do to deserve this? Why is a loving father somehow treated like a criminal in a system where lawyers feed on the lies of a vindictive mother and seek to emotionally destroy young children’s lives for the sake of winning. What a wonderful world we live in. Treasure the moments you share with your children and don’t take anything for granted.
June 24, 2021 at 11:33 am
Jason – I read this and it was so close to my own story. For months I thought I was the only father is this scenario . My partner left me 3 years ago and assumed custody our child, rapidly met a new partner and invented a narrative of me being abusive to justify this to friends and family. Thankfully, I have the full support of my other children and family, friends and work who know how devoted a father I am. Sadly, thought when lies are repeated over and over they start to be believed by people who don’t know the complete story.
Her relationship naturally failed and she tried to rekindle our relationship – which I resisted. Two years ago I met a wonderful new partner, she is an angel to me and my children. This enraged my previous partner and she reacted by further withdrawing access to my son, including alleging further false claims of abuse which were later withdrawn. She literally uses our son as a weapon. Numerous times I have turned up at agreed times to collect him to have him not be there, or for her to cancel at the last minute for frivolous reasons.
I too have had to go to courts, spend vast sums of money, and fight tooth and nail just to allow my son to have a father in his life. He is a gorgeous boy who has a wonderful loving relationship with me despite all the brainwashing he is constantly exposed to from her. He does not deserve this, and I do not deserve this. Hopefully justice will prevail. Good luck to you and your children and just know there are some other fathers in similar positions.
January 2, 2021 at 11:31 am
Great article, I really needed this today. My ex has constantly messed about with his contact with the kids, cancelling at the last minute or expecting me to drop and collect them as he chooses not to drive.
I may just have to seek a court order. I’ve already had to go the formal route to get child maintenance… and he was late with paying that too last month.
I’m holding on to try and get a “no fault” divorce when these come into force in autumn of this new year as I’m really trying to avoid conflict but I see reading your article that I’ve just been encouraging his terrible behaviour.
We had a very toxic relationship and I left him in March 2020, he can be very argumentative, angry and verbally abusive so I’ve been trying my best to avoid that side of him since he started having our sons every other weekend in June 2020 although he had a good outburst the first weekend he had them.. I’m going to have to woman up and put an end to this nonsense.
April 1, 2022 at 5:18 pm
What about a coparent who shows up an hour early for access and sits in their car a couple of houses away watching my house til its his time for pickup.
September 26, 2020 at 1:23 am
I’m a single dad with twin 4 year old girls. My ex wife is constantly asking for visits on days that are inconvenient to myself and my children. I usually agree to do the visit regardless, but then she cancels (usually 1-2 hours before the visit). I understand that I cannot force her to spend time with them. I’m beginning to be very frustrated with this. She has had 5 visits in the last 10 months. I have stopped telling my children about future visits because they are usually canceled. I would like her to have a relationship with her daughters, but it seems like she doesn’t have time for them…. any advice?
July 19, 2020 at 5:49 pm
What about moms who refuse to show up with the kid to scheduled visits with their father who has flown in from out of state?
April 21, 2019 at 2:59 pm
What about when the mom is the one that every time my days comes, she creates an activity or event that she cannot give the kids on my days. I have giving her the opportunity to have them half a day if it’s a holiday on my day and she consistently drop them off late. So I cannot do anything with them by then. What should I do when that happens? She has them 5 days and then she won’t give them to me on my days.
November 20, 2018 at 9:10 pm
My consult with an attorney summed up: try to avoid him getting anything put through the courts. But this article says you’re vulnerable without a court order. In my state the father in an unmarried situation has no rights until he files a motion. In my case I’ve cared for my daughter entirely, financially and otherwise, and he’s only seen her a few times. He has nothing to do with her but uses her as an excuse to keep tabs on me and give demands with the threat of trying to fight me for her. He has a very toxic personal life and a drug related felony that he obtained while we were not together. He knows my fears for her safety is why I’ve been compliant but this has continued for years and is simply not permanently sustainable. In my state if he asks for visits he is practically guaranteed to get it. Seems by not having a court order, i at least have the benefit of the chance of saying no, as he has no visitation rights other than what i agree to. Once he gets visits I’m very limited on protecting her from him or his company. So why the statement made about being vulnerable without a court order? I just want to better understand.
January 21, 2019 at 9:11 pm
I’m in the same boat but my sons dad actually did file paperwork and I never ever thought he would and I’m terrified of the outcome
October 14, 2019 at 5:59 pm
Hello, I currently have a court order in which my ex sees his son Friday to Sunday every other weekend, I offer to allow him to see his son more as at the age of two our son still hasn’t taken to him He cheated on me while I was pregnant and after our child was born got into a relationship with another woman with a child and completely neglected his son, didn’t see him for the first 9 months of our sons life despite me asking. He was mentally and emotionally abusive so I cut all contact. He then took me to court for visitations ( pushed by his mother.) But he never keeps to the court order. We recently tried again with our relationship and he was an amazing father, wantind to be around his son and just generally a good attentive dad… Until I found he had cheated again. And since then he missed 3 court ordered weekend ends in a row ( six weeks without seeing his son) and he now has another girlfriend, when he had bothered to show up he hands out son over to friends to spend time with the new woman ( I’ve seen pictures on social media of my son in pubs surrounded by alcohol and strangers). And has cancelled 3 weekday visitations on the day. What he had done to me I can get over even talking face to face trying to be civil but what he continues to do to my child is completely heartbreaking and I don’t know what to do, I work part time and have no money for a lawyer. He’s even
threatened to stop paying csa. Any way he can try to hurt me or control the situation he does and I’m out of options and at the end of my rope, I don’t know what to do, I can’t make him see his child. I just need some advice on what to do.
April 12, 2022 at 1:05 pm
Having a court order matters at least in pa. With no court order saying your the primary custodial parent and the children reside with you if you were to allow your child to go to his house one evening for a few hours and he decides “ nah I’ll keep my child” he doesn’t need to return the child. So basically he could keep her and there is nothing you can do. You can call the police but they will tell you to file for custody. He could keep the child, move and change his number and you could Never see your child again and no one can do anything because there is no court order. It happened to my friend. Her ex kept her son and didn’t return him and She had to file for custody and wait 1 1/2 months before getting the child back where they were able to prove the child lived with mom and went to school etc in moms location and dad was visiting the child here and there . When I was younger my dad took me from my mom on vacation but refused to return me . They had to go to court and get me back.
January 18, 2018 at 5:57 pm
Yep it’s frustrating.. If the other person doesn’t do their part in financing and then keeps canceling at last moment. Your child keeps asking about that parent. When shopping, being tired and all those other excuses are more important that keeping your word.. It’s frustrating. If it happens once or twice, totally understandable, but when there is a pattern to canceling. No excuses.. Not fair to my child.
December 6, 2017 at 3:36 am
““If he wants to see his kids, make him fight for it”
That statement right there is EVERYTHING that is wrong with you fucking cunts! As we all know, women are PERFECT, and would NEVER be at fault for anything in co-parenting situations (rolls eyes)! It’s not like you didn’t make his life miserable enough when you were together, now you want to do the same thing when you are split! Did you twatwaffles ever stop to think that making it harder to see the kid might hurt the kid more than the father??? Oh, I forgot, women can do no wrong! How about you stop accepting his child support money? If he is such a disgrace, why would you accept his money??? Oh, I know why! Because that is your golden ticket to get your hair and nails done, pay your cellphone bill, go to the bar, things like that! Perhaps if you had a fucking job, you would understand that schedules change! After all, him working is the reason you get that free (and too much) money every month!
“This lets down your children, and shows a total lack of respect for their mother, who is doing the majority of your work in raising them. You are 50 percent responsible for your kids. Every minute more than 50 percent that their mother takes is a favor to you, since you cannot or will not step up.”
WOW! Look at how arrogant you bitches are! The guy is out there busting his ass to support his kid (someone has to) and THIS is your attitude??? Why don’t YOU go get a job and pay HIM child support??? No wonder you are considered to be the inferior sex!
December 23, 2017 at 6:27 pm
lol dude you need to get off your high horse. You do realize there are also a lot of deadbeat dads out there that don’t even offer child support and still have the audacity to show up late and cancel on seeing their children? Don’t you think women think about how it will affect their child if they see their father less often? Otherwise it would be their first choice to cut the dads off and keep accepting all this “disgraceful money” you’re speaking of. A lot of women support themselves and their children. Jesus Christ I feel bad for whoever has to deal with you in their lives.
December 23, 2017 at 6:29 pm
They also even wrote a section asking “Do you contribute to the situation?” so I dont see how she’s saying all women are “PERFECT”, asshole.
September 17, 2018 at 1:09 pm
Well this cunt supports her child and has full custody because her father is a drug addict he’s suppose to support his daughter but he doesn’t …… no money never shows up for visits . So please tell me when I can go get my nails done or go to the bar or all those wonderful things single people do not single parents. This article is for parents who are actually dealing with dads ir moms that are not contributing period.
September 9, 2018 at 4:39 am
I actually agree, the women need to be more flexible and take in to account that Dad’s have very hard work schedules and a lot of bosses DON”T care about their “visitation schedule” you either do what the boss says or you are out, (and I am a WOMAN saying this)
April 12, 2019 at 6:16 pm
That’s so true! There is a noticeable double standard. Mom’s in the workplace are treated differently than dad’s in the workplace. It’s expected that mom’s will take time off for the kids etc. managers don’t really question… but they are NOT flexible or lenient with dad’s at all. They treat many fathers as if they don’t even have a family. Unfortunately this actually forces the women to handle everything if their husband feels pressure from their boss that they can’t leave work or take off. It’s sad…. even with Paternal leave. We don’t live in a time that promotes happy family life and stability at home. We also don’t live in a time that encourages good strong equal parenting. By default a father has to fight for his right to be a father to his child even if the mother is without a doubt unfit. Mother’s and father’s SHOULD have equal opportunity to care for and make decisions for their children. I see too many cases where a mom speaks as if a child is a piece of property she owns. She completely strips the man of his right to be a father. Just because we carry the child in our womb doesn’t mean we OWN them. The father has the right to provide input, agree or disagree with any decision. (Not all father’s are bad and certainly not all mothers are good just because they have custody)
April 12, 2019 at 6:22 pm
And if the ather gets fired from his job guess what… then they are labeled deadbeat because they have no money to pay child support. There’s no help for them… but now they can face jail simply because they don’t have money. If we get fired from a job we are just struggling single moms trying to make ends meet. People feel sorry for us… but there are tons of programs out there we can benefit from and we can also pursue an increase in child support that the father will be forced to pay whether he can afford it or not.
January 21, 2019 at 2:15 am
Dude everyone’s situation is so different!! You can’t just generalize everyone into one category, as the author of this article states that our system is fucked up and think moms are the best and dads are mostly dead beat scum bags which isn't fair because it is not always true but unfortunately the father will never be able to truly feel the bond of carrying the baby and growing an amazing little human inside of you and go through all the body changes and mental changes, then go through the craziest experience that is labor that a man couldn’t even imagine even if he’s there watching. That child and the mama will always be connected because we will literally always be apart of each other, especially with mothers of boys, part of your sons DNA will be in your brain forever. Now see I’m not hating, who the fuck doesn’t love a good dad??? But when my basically sperm donor makes zero and I mean zero effort to bond with the baby I grew and loved and sang to and talked to and worked my ass off during the whole pregnancy while my ex sat on his unemployed ass smoked weed all and took his prescription pain pills and shut us out with his noise canceling head phones while playing video games literally like 20 hours a day. In the hospital when I was in labor for over 40 hours a week over due and then pushed for 5 hours just to end up getting a c section cause no ten pound baby would come out of my tiny body, the baby finally
Comes out and what happens??? I had to remind the dumb ass to take pics of my first baby and he said he let both our phones die , he was no help ever, the nurses were in shock when I was immediately getting up to get the baby after just being cut open and sperm donor is sleeping like a baby the entire time, he REFUSED to do skin to skin contact with my amazing baby that’s how strong his lack of effort was! It was unreal. All of the nurses wanted to kick his ass out lol then something went seriously wrong and I had to go handle that but when I was finally done I get back to my room to the photographer having already took the pics of the baby and this retard had included himself into the babies first pictures ever the dude was dirty hadn’t showered in days hadn’t changed his clothes in days did shave it was all bad he could have ask the photographer to come back when I got back. So then not to mention this is an abusive man who puts hands on me in front of my beautiful baby when he was about three months old, so I was done I called
The cops he fled the scene cause you know that doesn’t scream guilty well what does he do after beating me up he convinces the cops to arrest me while I’m breast feeding and hold my sleeping baby. The cops don’t care how the baby will be fed or if he will be injured or maybe even. Killed by a man with zero patience, it was the most terrifying thing that ever happened to me,
Mother fucking Washington state police told me flat out that because my babies dad is ex military and so are both the cops it was just my lucky day, I guess, that they were flat out giving him a get out of jail free card and he believes that it is very real and he is untouchable so the cops tell me they take me to jail I get out first thing in the morning the charges will get dropped and it’s all good, but if they had arrested the real abuser he would have done 30 plus days and never see his kids again, not to mention the other two kids he has that he never gave two fucks about, so sad, I really picked a winner. I spent one night away from my baby and got to get the fuck out of that abusive hell hole. Only for him to come after me almost two years later ugh man get a life move on to the next victim and let me and my beautiful gorgeous amazing baby alone!!!!! So as you can see sir everyone’s situations are different, I had a dead beat mom and my dad raised us, my son will only know love and kindness he will not be a Hensley, I will do everything in my power to teach him to be a good hearted person and I know I will have to work extra extra hard to counteract the evil things his sperm donors genetics has in store. Sorry went on one hell of a rant but fuck that bullshit! My baby my son that is a living breathing smart funny human being is sooooo beyond special to me and when his dad legit doesn’t care about him or his other kids but wants to use my child as a pawn in a game against me just for his entertainment it’s very very upsetting and so so saddening
June 28, 2019 at 7:12 pm
Actually I personally gave my ex the kids when we split up I was terrified of being a single mom he said he could do a better job than me and I said okidokie. I paid him 400 a month got them every other weekend asked him every time I got them if he needed anything mostly met with silence sense he went back to his other baby momma and the separation was fairly new and I guess he thought he would be happy going back to her. But 6 months later he dropped them off at my house said he couldn’t do it and told me to figure it out. It was scary but I did it. In our divorce I gave him extensive visitation rights (I had a lawyer he didn't so I also paid for the whole divorce myself.) but he only sees them every other weekend and doesn’t really pay child support. I work full time and go to school and he’s without a job right now so idk about all that. Each situation is totally different if I could I choose to do extensive visitation over full custody i would it’s easy being the visiting parent it’s hard as fuck being the one with sole custody.
March 11, 2020 at 11:50 am
All these people bashing mom…a fathers work schedule is hard blah blah…you know what a responsible parent would do? Find a job that they can be there for visitation or pick up or whatever….you know…like mom does…. Mom figures it out why can't dad? Thats double standards. To the person calling us “cunts” and saying to get a job….its very ignorant of you to assume none of us work..
July 19, 2020 at 5:54 pm
I feel ya man.
October 6, 2016 at 5:26 am
“If he wants to see his kids, make him fight for it (as it stands, he takes visits for granted. Switch it up).”
What is that supposed to accomplish, won’t it just turn him further away from sharing the parenting burden?
October 6, 2016 at 10:33 am
It actually can be effective. As it stands, he takes for granted that he doesn’t need to see his kids. Try it – it works.
February 16, 2020 at 3:36 pm
The author is specifically addressing situations in which the man is not consistent and unstable in his visitation times. So, yeah, in this case, making him work a little to get his visits may make him realize he needs to get it together and show up when needed, not just when it’s convenient for him.
June 27, 2022 at 11:42 am
I have a situation in which the father wants to show up a day later and we have plans that day. We have a court ordered visitation schedule where he is supposed to have visitation from 6/30 to 7/7. So, he is demanding that we are available for him to pick up the kid on 7/1 and we would have to cancel our vacation.