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It just occurred to me that if you read this blog before watching my YouTube stuff, you could very well think I’m, like, devoutly religious. Maybe.
I guess I’ve clarified that organized religion isn’t always my favorite thing, but a lot of religious people also feel that way.
Anyway just for the folks who wind up here, first, and wonder why I’m so into Jesus… I’m not a sex negative Christian, or a “drugs are bad” Christian. I wouldn’t even identify as a “Christian” necessarily, but that’s not because I’m not a fan of the J-dog.
I don’t think it is. I do think that sex between two (or more, I guess) people is complicated, but I’m very in favor of masturbation. And I wouldn’t really consider that to be “debaucherous” but it is a part of where the “debaucherous” in the name comes from.
Oh also if you are here with no context, my YouTube channel is called the Debaucherous Dweeb.
It was recently suggested that maybe I should change it and I hate… I hate feeling like I’m… being too stubborn, but I like the debaucherous part of the name. Even if it does limit my audience, which honestly, maybe should stay relatively small.
Anyway. I think I’m going to keep it, and that’s why. Because in truth, I’m not very debaucherous. I like diddling myself and sometimes others (WHAT SCANDAL) but I’m still enough of a dork to call it “diddling.” I like talking about sex because I think it’s stupid and harmful that we try to pretend it doesn’t exist. I like drinking because it lets me relax enough to stop apologizing twice before everything I say. I like marijuana and maybe the occasional hallucinogen. And I’m really, really bad at pretending not to like all of those things.
Hence, the debauchery. To me the “debaucherous” represents a way of tying the dweeb to a theme, even though I’m kind of all over the place with my interests. And I suppose if I had to sum it up, that theme would be… freeing your mind?
It’s a cliche but… that doesn’t make it less important. And I’m not always good at it. I wish I didn’t need alcohol to accomplish it as much as I do. I wish I was just brave enough to be myself on my own. But we live in a very toxic world as far as authenticity is concerned, I think, which is part of why I need the punk rock element to keep me honest with myself about what I want to accomplish with my channel.
Because it isn’t just about education or dweebiness or comedy or whatever. It’s about giving myself a space where I can just exist as I am, with no pretense or fear of judgement (even though I’m obviously still afraid of being judged, I think my videos have a weird and maybe kind of backwards effect of making me more comfortable with myself, even though it’s in front of more people)…
I, um. My birth mom died shortly before I started posting videos. And she lived a hard life, I think largely because she and my birth dad refused to play the game of, like, delaying their happiness. They were always poor and had their own problems but they didn’t let that stop them from really enjoying life, and living in the present.
My birth mom… always struggled, I think, with feeling that she had to be private, had to keep her struggles hidden… and I think my channel helps me to mourn for her by doing my little part to take a stand and to be imperfect without apologizing for it, because I think the world is better for everyone when we all allow ourselves and others to be flawed.
Life doesn’t start when you get a career or when you reach a certain level of comfort, it starts now. And now. And now.
Now is all we have. And my birth mom knew that, even if she lost track, at some point, of where she was going. She knew that how long you live matters less than the amount of presence you can pack into the time you have, and I think she did that. If anything, maybe she was a little too in the moment. But the point is, I wanted to make my channel something she would have been proud of, that would have made her laugh and smile and light up the way only she could. And I wanted to do that my way, because I knew that was the only way she would have wanted it.
I know it sounds like I’m being sappy to earn points, or something, but that’s just the truth. I wished I could have made my videos while she was alive, so when she died, that was how I mourned, in a way. By doing what made me happy like she would have wanted, and not worrying too much about what anyone would think because I knew what she would’ve thought, and that she would be so thrilled to watch me just be myself without apologizing for it.
Well, or at least… not backing down even when I also apologize for it.
Having a sick family member sucks, and I’m happy she’s no longer suffering, but I miss her all the time. And my videos feel like… a place where I can be with her, in a weird way… I guess. Because we always, mostly, talked on MSN messenger and the phone anyway, it kind of feels the same, to be communicating on a screen, even if she’s not there to talk back.
Anyway, the point is… life is a party, and it’s meant to be enjoyed and lived in the moment. Maybe it’s a form of Christian Hedonism, I don’t know. But it’s what I believe. So I think… I think maybe the debauchery is here to stay. But rest assured, so is the dweeb.
Published December 2, 2018April 20, 2019
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What happened to me?
An *edited letter to incels
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“Soft to be Strong”
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"What is Philosophy?" Video Extras (Part 1)
"The Society of the Spectacle"
Learning how to aim.
"There is no object so foul that intense light will not make beautiful..."
Is this the best of all possible worlds?
I guess I have a blog, now.
Sometimes it’s smart to be dumb
Mental health & sassafras
This is my safe space.
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