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So many of us know the struggle of being a woman of color in a male-dominated workplace. We must be soft as to not be attitudinal, but not too soft as to still be a boss. We must be kind, as to not be a "b*tch", but not too kind as to not be a pushover. We're constantly faced with having to tone down our strength and assertiveness, but not too much because we still need to be effective leaders. For some, there's a constant battle of diminishing who you are to fit a standard of 'professionalism' the workplace demands — a standard that was not created for us or by us. This is a challenging reality to face and even more challenging to manage.
But all is not lost. Though we might have to play the game a little, we deserve to be here and that's become increasingly evident. Women are rising to the occasion and creating organizational shifts that only we can. But getting here was not easy, and staying here won't be either.
The following gems are provided by #GirlBosses who own their womanhood and femininity and still thrive in their respective industries. These tips come from women in medicine, finance, higher education, law enforcement, and politics. Though this list is not all-inclusive, it will certainly help you cement your footing toward promotion and tackle the day-to-day struggles of being a woman in a man's working world.
Trust Your Instincts & Skill-set.
When operating in a male-dominated space one of the most important things is confidence. Understand that you were hired for a reason. Your specific skill-set and knowledge base is an asset to the company, and you must trust that. So often, we question our decisions based on the opposition of a co-worker. Instead, stand tall in what you know, and trust that what you feel is right is actually right. Recognize the value you bring to the company, and honor it by speaking up and sharing your expertise. You know more than you think you do.
"The confidence that you have in your work ethic and knowledge should never waiver. Sometimes in this environment silence is interpreted as a deficiency in knowledge or lack of conviction. Speak up and be confident in yourself." — Huiam Mubarak, MD, Neurology
Stop Trying to be Nice.
Business woman showing she means business
Playing nice — which is often considered as timid in the workplace — will not guarantee you professional growth. By the time the Chief of Police taught me this lesson, I'd been working in the office for about a year. The lesson came after a very steamy meeting with him and a few lieutenants — some of them women. He left the meeting feeling accomplished and stopped at my desk to exclaim how being nice doesn't get you far in a man's world. I held onto that as I began navigating various male-dominant workspaces.
Being nice alone doesn't get you many places. I've watched women and men alike, get chewed up and spit out because they thought their niceness would open doors. Alternatively, I've watched the biggest jerks get the best promotions, not because they were jerks, but because at the end of their poor behavior was a mind (and results) that couldn't be ignored.
The truth is, business is business, and that's what people are most concerned about. So yes, be kind, but at the forefront of that kindness should be business. Nice does not win you likes if your work is lacking — especially not if it's lacking because you were too busy being nice. Stop apologizing for being assertive because you'd rather be 'nice' instead. Stop saying sorry for "bothering" a colleague when you want a question answered, or being okay with unmet deadlines and excessive excuses.
Be business-minded and firm — and don't apologize for it.
Though it may suck, some industries require us to play the game. The easiest, most authentic way to do this is by simply making the decision-makers feel comfortable. Making them feel comfortable opens a door of closeness that may be required for being invited to the table. Don't compromise your morals to do so, but when possible, show them that you can hang too. Make witty jokes, participate in the conversation, partner with them on projects, and allow them to let their guard down around you. Show them that you can participate in the game, and promotion will surely follow.
"As I progress in my career, there are less women around at management and senior management meetings. Sure, there are women doing the every day work, but it's majority of men calling the hard shots. There are 7 levels above me to get to the CEO and only 1 level is occupied by a woman. This means, I have to play the 'boys game' and ensure I make the men feel comfortable around me. They are the ones that make the decisions regarding who gets the new clients and the big high profile opportunities. If they are not comfortable with you on a personal level, it is harder for them to want to give you the opportunity when it is their neck on the line." — C. Felicita Castro, Vice President, Finance Industry
As women — particularly women of color — we have specific lived experiences that set us apart from many of our counterparts. Dr. Huiam Mubarak believes in the importance of utilizing these experiences in the work we do, no matter what that work is. Being able to connect our own experiences to our work allows us to fulfill our roles more passionately — a trait that inspires us to thrive even when no one else is looking. It also helps us form deeper connections to the work and the people we serve, create a larger impact, and provide a diverse lens for which things should be considered. All of which makes our output unique to the company.
"You should always remember that your life experiences are invaluable in the care that you provide to your patients. Don't ever forget where you came from and who you are. Be proud of the things that others may consider a weakness and use it to your advantage." — Huiam Mubarak, MD, Neurology
Though compassion is innate and doesn't necessarily differ between men and women, the ways in which compassion is expressed does. Women, in general, experience more compassion in their lives than men. Officer Jill Knox, Victim Support Specialist, encourages women to use this to their advantage:
"The key for me has been the gift of talking and being familiar with so many people in my community. Sympathizing and being aware of what's going on with people helps me conquer as a Black woman."
Jill suggests that her ability to connect with the community where she works, positions her to accomplish more than her male counterparts. "People trust me," she says. And this trust helps Jill better serve her community. By utilizing her natural compassion, Jill has been able to successfully serve and form connections that keep her in the very position she worked hard to obtain. This is particularly useful for those working in fields that encourage community and client input for hiring and promotion decisions.
Establish a Firm Sister Circle.
"From being the only woman of color in my classes to teaching students emboldened to call me out my name, the journey to becoming Dr. Yancy has taken more than given. To counter these feelings and experiences, some key people like my mom, my sister-circle, Dr. Kimberle Crenshaw, Dr. Melissa Harris-Perry, and Dr. Shayla Nunnally, provided me with tools for radical self-care. From daily affirmations to creating space for myself and other sisters to speak truth to power and celebrate the complexity of being our full selves [in and out of this work] I now have the tools to use my voice, promote Black women's intellectualism, and ensure Black women are seated at the table."
— Brittney Yancy, Assistant Professor at Goodwin College, Doctoral Candidate at the University of Connecticut, and Ambassador to the United States of Women.
Are there any other tips that you learned that has helped you navigate yourself in a man's working world? Share them below!
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Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
What 14 People Say 'Great Sex' Means To Them
What is the difference between bad, average, and great sex? If I ask thirty people this question, I would get thirty different answers. As someone who's had their fair share of both good and not-so-good sex, I understand that there is no one size fits all answer to this question. "Great sex" can mean different things to different people. Case in point, I once had an amazing sexual experience with a guy that a mutual “friend” had a horrible experience with. Great sex is subjective AF! According to the mutual friend his sex was subpar at best. One person’s trash is another one’s treasure. Great sex boils down to what is good for you and your partner at the moment. No two people are the same so no two sexual experiences will be the same either.
Even though what constitutes great sex differs from person to person, there are some common denominators we all share. I find that most people need: honest communication, vulnerability, and chemistry regardless of age, sexual orientation, and relationship status for great sex to take place. Rarely are penis size and earth-shattering orgasms a determining factor of great sex. I know for me, the older I get the more I realize great sex is less about big dicks and more about chemistry and connection.
But you don’t have to take my word for it here’s what some of my social media followers had to say about what makes sex great for them.
"I can honestly say, for me, now that I’m older, great sex is based off of mental stimulation. If we aren’t able to obtain this, the sex is just okay."
"Chemistry/attraction, communication, skills, he needs to have rhythm in his hips and talk dirty, be dominant, and submit sometimes when I feel like being dominant. There needs to be some music going on in the background, eye contact, not be in a rush if it’s not a quickie, reciprocity, and adventurous. Be vocal, silent sex doesn’t do it for me, like what is this, a cemetery? Open your mouth and let those pleasure sounds out, hunny."
"Genuine chemistry. Yes, sex can still be bomb when someone checks off your physical boxes: big ass, tall, dad bod... Whatever makes your sex organs tingle. But when you actually like them AND they are good in bed, then it's greatness."
"When it feels like an effortless, sensual, passionate dance. When we flow seamlessly communicating without words with our bodies. The chemistry, connection, and attraction inside of the bedroom [are] only an extension of the feelings outside of the bedroom."
"Paying attention to my body, talking me through my orgasm, not just pounding blindly like I'm some kind of sex toy, taking time to make sure I'm satisfied, and flipping my big ass like I'm a gyatdamn pillow."
"Feeling free enough to act/try things in a non-judgmental environment. Openness to criticism or direction. Accepting not everyone is the same and not everything is enjoyed or not by everybody. Our experience is OURS. And what we like with each other we may not like [with] others. We have to find our wave."
"After being with my husband for 35 years (since 10th grade) and married for 23, intimacy is key. We take our time and really enjoy each other. I’m not only still in love with him, but I still LIKE him."
"A safe space, trust, emotional awareness, intimacy, vulnerability, knowing each other's love languages, open communication, chemistry, and paying attention to each other's bodies, wants, and desires in and out of the bedroom."
"Willingness to communicate and adjust even during the act. Don’t give excuses that you were so caught up in what was going on that you didn’t pay attention. Great sex also includes willingness to quit expecting to duplicate what you see in porn, especially when the other person says they’re not interested."
"Total connection...meaning you wrap yourself around me, in me...try to see through me. Experience me...let me Experience you...your sounds. Guttural, ancestral...your smell...your released...come undone."
"The transcendent feeling when the world stops around you, there's no sound but you two, and there is no longer a goal. The pleasure is so all-consuming you remember how powerful it can be to surrender."
"True intimacy. It’s something that happens naturally when people are kind to each other. Attentiveness to the body. Equal satisfaction (because men that don’t like eating coochie are not fair partners to me), great foreplay, great aftercare (I make my partner clean me up before I get up to do anything and I do the same at times)."
"You have to be comfortable with the person. Sex should be fun, exploring what feels good instead of what you think pleasure should look like. Taking your time. Folks are in such a hurry to get to it, they miss all the good stuff that makes getting there even better. It's not a race. Intimacy...in all its forms."
"Bravery. Vulnerability. Softness (from the dominant/masculine partner). Boldness (from the feminine/submissive partner). Actually LIKING who you are with. (I don’t mean chemistry. I mean actually LIKING the person). And communicating after leaving each other’s presence. I LOVE a good recap or something to let me know that it’s still lingering on you!"
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Halle Bailey On The Revolutionary Act Of Wearing Her Locs As Ariel
When the trailer for The Little Mermaid dropped, everyone finally got to see Halle Bailey as Ariel. Black women and girls raved over the singer/ actress’s beauty as the beloved character while she belted out the Disney classic song “Part of Your World.” And one of the most noticeable things that many fans pointed out was that the character’s red hair was made of locs.
Halle, who makes up one-half of the Grammy-nominated group Chloe x Halle, is known for sporting locs and has had them since prior to fame. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Halle shared that it was the director Rob Marshall’s idea to integrate some of her characteristics, such as her locs, into the character.
Teaser for ‘The Little Mermaid’ starring Halle Bailey debuts with over 104 million global views, Variety reports.
It beats out Cruella, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and Maleficent 2. pic.twitter.com/v2lSoMYib6
— Pop Base (@PopBase) September 12, 2022
​"With Rob, he's so amazing and just saying, 'I see you and I want to bring you into the character,'" she said. "So it was a beautiful thing. My hair, for example — incorporating my locs into the red hair was something that was really special to me. The outfit, the fins, everything. It's just amazing. I'm just grateful that I've been able to take the essence of me and mix the two."
Rob first teased the news that Halle’s hair will still be in locs as Ariel in an August 2022 Varietyinterview. “She looks stunning in red hair; not everybody does,” he said.
And many fans of the “Forgive Me” singer can agree. When the trailer dropped, there was an influx of reactions. While she has unfortunately received backlash for being cast as Ariel due to the color of her skin, there was also a lot of praise and support sent her way.
Tina Knowles Lawson shared an Instagram post with Halle and wrote a loving caption to the singer.
“I remember talking about her role as Ariel to the beautiful And Super talented @hallebailey on my show " Talks with Mama Tina,”" Tina wrote. “She and her beautiful sister @chloebailey .She spoke about the pressure of filling the shoes of past Little Mermaids Roles. Well we could not be more excited or proud of you as Ariel. You are changing our little black girls perspective on them being not limited to certain spaces and to be seen!!!! Kudos beautifulHalle.❤️❤️❤️
Legendary actress Halle Berry tweeted that she couldn’t wait to watch it.
this means so much! Can’t wait @HalleBailey 👏🏽💕💕 https://t.co/5swsRyjyne
— Halle Berry (@halleberry) September 10, 2022
And Chlöe showered her little sister with love in a series of tweets.
“MY BABYYYYY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” followed by 11 mermaid emojis.
MY BABYYYYY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️ https://t.co/2HvFOyOCvK
— Chlöe (@ChloeBailey) September 9, 2022
In the next tweet, she shared that she was “gonna cry” and lastly wrote “that’s my mfn sister. YUP.”
that’s my mfn sister. YUP.
— Chlöe (@ChloeBailey) September 10, 2022
The Little Mermaid - Official Teaser Trailer
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5 Times Megan Thee Stallion & Pardison Fontaine Showed Their Love On The 'Gram
Another day, another photo of Megan Thee Stallion that went viral. But this time she had a little help from her boyfriend Pardison “Pardi” Fontaine. The “Pressurelicious” artist’s fans were in for a surprise a few days ago after Megan posted a photo of herself lying on the floor with her legs up and wrapped around Pardi’s waist. Pardi appeared to be focused on playing his video game while Meg’s derriere was tooted in the air but he managed to wrap his arms around it as he held the controller.
The hotties had a field day with this photo showing the couple’s playful side and some fans even posted themselves recreating the pose.
The Grammy award-winning rapper captioned the series of photos “📸Dump” which included another cute photo of the couple. They both made a silly face while taking a mirror pic this time. Meg confirmed that she was dating Pardi in February 2021 and since then they have broken the internet a few times with their adorable and sometimes risqué photos.
We’ve listed some of the couple’s viral moments on social media.
On Feb. 19, 2021, Pardi had everyone gushing over his Valentine’s Day surprise for his H-Town boo. The series of photos showed the “Backin’ It Up” emcee showering Meg with love, from a private jet to a room full of rose petals and balloons.
In March of that year, he posted a photo of the “Her” artist in bed wearing a bonnet and in the next photo, he is seen wearing the bonnet.
In celebration of their one-year anniversary, Megan shared (but later deleted) some naughty photos. In one photo, Pardi is drinking a cocktail from her butt.
The next one showed the 27-year-old squatting on the ground in front of Pardi while her face was pressed against his nether regions. Talk about spicy.
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Featured image by Shareif Ziyadat/Getty Images for 40/40 Club
The Mamie 'Till' Movie Wants To Empower Us
Sitting in the theater getting ready to watch Nopefor the third time, I was excited, like a good film nerd, to see my friend's first-time reactions to the fun UFO horror-comedy. My heart sank immediately when a trailer for the film Till, which follows the life and legacy of Emmett Till's mother, Mamie, started playing first.
My knee-jerk reaction, of course, comes from years of watching film and TV that have exploited Black trauma onscreen and were created with little (if any) consideration for what could emotionally trigger the Black audience. The 1955 murder of Emmett Till is so heartbreaking and inherently violent; would this film make us live through that violence on screen?
This week, before watching Gina Prince-Bythewood's incredible The Woman King, a featurette for Till played in place of a trailer and it soothed my fears.
"There will be no physical violence against Black people on screen," the film's award-winning director and co-writer Chinonye Chukwu says in the featurette. "I'm not interested in relishing in that kind of physical trauma. We're going to begin and end in a place of joy," she says.
Starring Danielle Deadwyler (whose heartfelt performance on HBO's Station Eleven stole the show) as Mamie, Till is a celebration of Mamie's tireless activism which sparked the civil rights movement that continues today and ultimately culminated in President Biden signing the Emmett Till Anti-Lynching Act into law just a few months ago in March 2022. "Mamie Till Mobley is a hero," says Alana Mayo, president of Orion Pictures, the production company behind the film. "I'm really, really committed to making movies not just by us, but for us," Mayo says in the featurette.
After a private screening of Till, this week, Trayvon Martin's mother, Sybrina Fulton, tweeted that the film was "#Powerful" and "a must see."
I attended the private screening of the Emmett Till Movie TILL Movie
🎥 🍿 Coming to a theater near you this October #Powerful#TillMovie#MamieTillpic.twitter.com/QP4BTkavuk
— Sybrina Fulton (@SybrinaFulton) September 21, 2022
Mamie's story of courage in the face of unspeakable tragedy deserves to be told--especially as we continue the fight for civil rights today. Knowing that the Black filmmakers behind the film are centering Black joy and aiming for our empowerment through the film makes a world of difference.
TILLis in theaters October 14.
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5 Black Women TikTokers To Binge Watch
This is a safe space: You spend hours watching videos on Tik Tok when you should be doing something else, don’t you? You swear that it’ll just be a few minutes and then a few minutes becomes thirty minutes and before you know it, you’ve been laying in your bed for over an hour watching dozens and dozens of videos of precocious babies and people doing the latest dance challenge. No judgment here – we’ve all been there. To feed your addiction to the ever enticing scroll of the Tik Tok “For You” page, xoNecole has compiled a list of some of our favorite accounts on the app.
If you’ve ever come across the account of this professional therapist your first thoughts might have been, “Now why is Kelly Rowland in my business?” Despite the striking similarities, Simone Saunders is not one of the members of Destiny’s Child – but that’s not stopping the Canadian-based trauma therapist from helping you learn how to be a Survivor. With her advice on how to heal from abusive and toxic relationships learned through her years of training, Saunders, or “Dr. Rowland,” as she playfully calls herself, will definitely be your Motivation to get your life right.
@thecognitivecorner 🫡 #therapytiktok#healingtok#parentifiedchild#traumatok♬ gford._ gets no maidens - $avøry-$adisticpai
“Everybody saying they need love, they need peace, they need happiness – b-tch I need 30 bands right f-cking now!” is one of the many viral sounds that TikToker Aliyahs Interlude1 has spawned. The self-described “It Girl” has over a million followers who look to her for her bold fashion looks and her off-the-cuff style of humor.
@aliyahsinterlude1 literally stop guys 🙄🙄✋🏿 #fyp♬ original sound - aliyahsinterlude
If you are looking for a funny Black lesbian’s perspective into pop culture who will explain why Megan thee Stallion is a queer icon or why Rihanna and A$AP Rocky are a lesbian couple, look no further than the pop culture breakdowns of Homo Honey0. With her witty perspective, you’ll find yourself going down a queer and glorious rabbit hole of her page.
@homohoney0 Reply to @winteranddsummer #greenscreen#zendaya#zendayaandtomholland#euphoria#spidermanfarfromhome♬ original sound - PEYTON DIX
All it takes is watching one video from the precocious toddler Cami Fro Babe and her mother before your baby fever activates. This sweet North Carolina mama and daughter duo will have you smiling and laughing as they go shopping, vacationing, and getting into all the cuddles and sweetness that one could barely handle.
@camifrobabe Someone is excited about the new Little Mermaid 🧜🏾♀️ , she said they have the same hair 😩🥹😩 @halle ♬ original sound - CamiandFamily💕
Who doesn’t love hearing the messiness that celebrities were getting into decades ago? Tea with Britt gives you that good chamomile about what stars of yore were getting themselves into, including the sordid details of the many loves of Julia Roberts’ life or about Jerry Seinfield’s past creepy behavior, you’re going to want to keep your notifications on for the hot cup of what Britt is serving next.
@teawithbritt#greenscreen#derekjeter#mariahcarey#music#celebs#messytea☕️#popculture#fyp♬ Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
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