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Should You Really Not Care About What Other People Think? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty
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Should You Really Not Care About What Other People Think?
If you live by the motto, "I don't care what people think", maybe this will cause you to rethink that.
Feb. 08, 2020 10:03AM EST
While sitting down to watch the second episode of this season's grown-ish (congrats on the fourth season pick-up, y'all; that's dope!), the topic for today most definitely crossed my mind. As far as the episode went, long story short, after everyone returned from their summer vacation, one person, in particular, had a big surprise—Nomi is pregnant. If you're an avid watcher of the show, you know that little bit of news threw a lot of people off for, well, a few reasons. But what really stood out to me was the dynamic of Zoey and Nomi once the news was out of the bag.
In some ways, Zoey gives me old-school Carrie Bradshaw vibes—smart, fashionable, semi-private…also semi-neurotic, self-consumed and a little harsh when it comes to the delivery of her opinion that sometimes is "the truth" and sometimes is simply "her truth" (that last one, I used to be a lot like that; that's how I can detect it in others). Still, Zoey is pretty loyal and dependable, so that's what makes her friends tolerate the fact that she can be a little rough around the edges on the supportive front.
Anyway, when Zoey found out that Nomi had told Zoey's ex, Luca about being pregnant weeks before revealing the same news to Zoey—shocker of all shockers—Zoey made it be about her. Why didn't she find out first? When Nomi—along with the rest of Zoey's friends—shared that it was partly because Zoey can lean towards the judgmental side when it comes to receiving information, an honest dialogue occurred. While, on one hand, Zoey had to face the fact that sometimes she isn't always the softest place to land, Zoey also gave some relevant push back that sometimes, at least hard reality checks, are what those who claim to care about us need to receive. Otherwise, we'll be out here whilin' in these streets.
As I thought about how difficult it can be to find the balance between not being "judgy" and yes, being honest with others, I thought this would be a good a time as any to explore the question that seems to have ever-changing answers—should we really care what others think when it comes to what they think about us? My short answer is "yes". But there are a couple of points to follow that.
Why We Should Care About What Others Think
I've got a pretty strong personality; there's no getting around that. So, ever since like high school, on occasion, I've heard people say, "Shellie doesn't care about what anyone thinks." My response to that has never changed—"Yes, I do. It's just that my list is pretty short." To me, I think that it's pretty dangerous to be out here not giving a damn about what others see about me that I may not. However, what I've learned to do is care when it comes to those who actually care about me. Do I care about what trolls in cyberspace think? No. Do I care about what envious, opportunistic, sometimey or shady people think? Uh-uh. Do I care about what individuals who have plenty of time to critique but no time to actually invest in my life have to say? Not really. Because again, those types of folks show absolutely no evidence that they care about my ultimate health and well-being, my needs or my feelings. They're just…yappin'.
But the ones who have proven through their words and actions that they actually do love me and have my best interest at heart? Yeah, I care what they think. Praise God that I do too because I've avoided some real foolishness by paying attention to their "Shellie, what the hell?!" responses to certain things.
There are men that I've not gotten involved with because I cared what others think. There are firm boundaries that I've drawn with certain people in my world because I cared what others think. There are character flaws that I've been able to correct because I cared what others think. In many ways, caring what others think has saved my life (and definitely improved the quality of it).
Meanwhile, not caring what others think? I'll just put it this way—your current president doesn't give a damn what others think. Look at where that has gotten him and, in many ways, our country. Yeah, I'm not impressed, not in the least, by people who proudly (emphasis on "proud") proclaim that they couldn't care less what others think. To me, all that sounds like is a ton of arrogance which is usually nothing more than masked insecurity. No man is an island. All of us need folks around us who can provide an "outside in" perspective on our lives; folks who can oftentimes detect the blind spots that we would never notice without their presence. To not care what anyone thinks is a pretty reckless approach to matters. Rarely does it ever work in your favor to always be of that mindset. Now, that doesn't mean that others and their thoughts should trump, silence or compromise your own. Here's what I mean by that.
How We Should Care About What Others Think
While recently binge-watching the final season of Ballers recently, I jotted down something that Dwayne Johnson's character Spencer Strasmore said in, what I believe was the last episode—"You'll always care what your family and friends think. But, at the end of the day, you've only got yourself and the f—ks you choose to give. Everything else is someone else's problem." If you watched the entire series, you know that Spencer probably could've stood to listen to others a lot more often than he did. At the same time, though, I doubt that he would've shook up the NFL in the way that he did if he always followed how things were always done or if he surrendered to the status quo.
Yes, that's fiction but in real life, I can totally relate. When I was writing my first book, some of my closest family members refused to speak to me for months. When I made my exit out of official church membership, other church folks warned me of how "lost" I would end up. When I decided to tour with a ministry that gets people out of porn addiction, when I made the decision to become a marriage life coach (without ever being married), when I shared with others that I would devote a lot of my life towards telling a lot of my business in order to heal myself and help others, I can't tell you how many times people looked at me like I was crazy or tried to talk me out of it. These are the times when I didn't care what anyone thought because what I realized is that they were trying to project onto me what they would do in those situations. But they are not me and I am not them.
See, the key to learning how and when you should care about what others think about your life is to first determine what your life is all about. What is your purpose? What is your mission? What are your values? Shoot, what even is your personality, needs, desires, and perspective? Some of my friends, they don't "get" how I approach life because they are much more private than I am. So, whenever I speak openly about my past four abortions or my vast views on sex, they cringe; not because what I am doing is "wrong" but because it's something that they definitely wouldn't do.
And that's the thing we all have to be careful about—are we sharing our thoughts about someone else's world and approach to it with the intention of sparing them unnecessary hurt, harm, and/or drama, or are we simply trying to get them to say and do things based on what we would say…or do? The first is actually caring about them; the second is all about ego.
And that would be my advice when it comes to navigating how to care about what others think about you. First, make sure you are self-aware enough to be clear on who you are. Next, make sure you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the people you are about to listen to truly do care about you. Then, actually listen to what they have to say. I'll say this from personal experience—if it confirms something in your spirit or irks you to no end, those are the two things that you need to process the most. Being told what you need to hear doesn't always feel good and when you are "rubbed the wrong way" by someone you care about, oftentimes that means they've hit a nerve that you need to get to the root of before simply dismissing it. This brings me to my final point.
Can We Finally Start Using “Judgmental” Properly, Please?
Recently, I watched a segment of Claudia Jordan's talk show. On this particular episode actor Christian Keyes was on it. A part of what they discussed was how he reacted when a guy DM'ed him and he publicly responded. As they were breaking down the backlash that transpired as some people perceived him as being homophobic, I thought that two great points came out. One, what a lot of people may not know is, a part of what ticked Christian off was the guy propositioned Keyes and his son for a threesome (what in the world?!), so yes, Christian was pissed and rightfully so. Something like that wasn't about him being homophobic or judgmental; it's not something that he needed to apologize for. The come-on was totally inappropriate, plus he was protecting his child. Another point that I believe Claudia made is there is a difference between someone wanting equal rights and someone wanting superior ones. Right again. If you want to be treated fairly, if you want someone to respect your right to choose how you want to live your life, it's important that you extend those same courtesies to others. They don't have to agree with you all of the time. You don't have to agree with them all of the time either. To believe otherwise is a form of bullying, period.
Man, if I were in a beauty pageant right now and was asked what I'd like to see change in the world, I just might say "hyper-sensitivity". Just because we may be told something that we don't want to hear, just because someone might challenge us, just because harsh truths might be presented to us that make us uncomfortable or cause us to take some long looks at ourselves, that doesn't automatically mean that someone is being "judgmental" (which actually means things like "discretion" and "good sense", by the way). It doesn't mean that someone is hating on you or trying to run your life. Listen, if all that any of us can receive are accolades and applause, yet the moment someone says something that is contrary to that, we shut down or snap, we're all in trouble. Besides, all opinions are judgment calls. If I tell you that you're cute, I just judged you. Why didn't you tell me to stop being so "judgmental" then?
If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, us saying that we don't want to be "judged" actually means that we don't ever want to be corrected. In thinking that way, though, how do we ever grow? No one is saying that you have to receive any and everything that someone says to you. What I am encouraging you to do, however, is find balance.
The compliments that I receive feel good. The "Shellie, you might want to think about that" conversations, from the people who care about me, those are what aid in my continual evolution. It's not about someone being judgmental; it's about them being thoughtful.
Judgment is done in a spirit of apathy. Correction is done in a spirit of love.
So, when it comes to the age-old question of whether or not we should care what people think, again, my answer is "yes". Just make sure you know who you are, you're at peace with yourself (you tend to handle information best in a state of internal peace), and that the people thinking about and speaking into your life actually do care about you. When these three things are working together, "caring" can actually work in your favor. I'm speaking from personal experience when I say that. Yes, I deeply care what certain people in my life think. And praise the Lord for that.
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Shellie R. Warren is a lover of quotes, lip gloss, graphic t-shirts, silver jewelry and Pumas. She's an author with two published books (thus far) on matters of the heart. In fact, 2019 was the 15-year anniversary of her first release ' Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption' (she's seriously mulling over penning a sequel to it) and 2020 marked her 20-year anniversary of being a (mostly) full-time writer. Aside from that, when Shellie's not tellin' all her business, she's helping couples (marriage life coach) or assisting with birthing babies (doula). Her byline is all over cyberspace, but where you won't find her is on social media. Like anywhere. At all. If you need to hit her up, she's (usually) reachable at missnosipho at gmail.com, though. HOWEVER, pitches for xoNecole need to go to editor@xonecole. Hit her up for *strictly* Shellie-related stuff. Again, pitch article ideas to the site addy NOT HER. Much appreciated.
What 14 People Say 'Great Sex' Means To Them
What is the difference between bad, average, and great sex? If I ask thirty people this question, I would get thirty different answers. As someone who's had their fair share of both good and not-so-good sex, I understand that there is no one size fits all answer to this question. "Great sex" can mean different things to different people. Case in point, I once had an amazing sexual experience with a guy that a mutual “friend” had a horrible experience with. Great sex is subjective AF! According to the mutual friend his sex was subpar at best. One person’s trash is another one’s treasure. Great sex boils down to what is good for you and your partner at the moment. No two people are the same so no two sexual experiences will be the same either.
Even though what constitutes great sex differs from person to person, there are some common denominators we all share. I find that most people need: honest communication, vulnerability, and chemistry regardless of age, sexual orientation, and relationship status for great sex to take place. Rarely are penis size and earth-shattering orgasms a determining factor of great sex. I know for me, the older I get the more I realize great sex is less about big dicks and more about chemistry and connection.
But you don’t have to take my word for it here’s what some of my social media followers had to say about what makes sex great for them.
"I can honestly say, for me, now that I’m older, great sex is based off of mental stimulation. If we aren’t able to obtain this, the sex is just okay."
"Chemistry/attraction, communication, skills, he needs to have rhythm in his hips and talk dirty, be dominant, and submit sometimes when I feel like being dominant. There needs to be some music going on in the background, eye contact, not be in a rush if it’s not a quickie, reciprocity, and adventurous. Be vocal, silent sex doesn’t do it for me, like what is this, a cemetery? Open your mouth and let those pleasure sounds out, hunny."
"Genuine chemistry. Yes, sex can still be bomb when someone checks off your physical boxes: big ass, tall, dad bod... Whatever makes your sex organs tingle. But when you actually like them AND they are good in bed, then it's greatness."
"When it feels like an effortless, sensual, passionate dance. When we flow seamlessly communicating without words with our bodies. The chemistry, connection, and attraction inside of the bedroom [are] only an extension of the feelings outside of the bedroom."
"Paying attention to my body, talking me through my orgasm, not just pounding blindly like I'm some kind of sex toy, taking time to make sure I'm satisfied, and flipping my big ass like I'm a gyatdamn pillow."
"Feeling free enough to act/try things in a non-judgmental environment. Openness to criticism or direction. Accepting not everyone is the same and not everything is enjoyed or not by everybody. Our experience is OURS. And what we like with each other we may not like [with] others. We have to find our wave."
"After being with my husband for 35 years (since 10th grade) and married for 23, intimacy is key. We take our time and really enjoy each other. I’m not only still in love with him, but I still LIKE him."
"A safe space, trust, emotional awareness, intimacy, vulnerability, knowing each other's love languages, open communication, chemistry, and paying attention to each other's bodies, wants, and desires in and out of the bedroom."
"Willingness to communicate and adjust even during the act. Don’t give excuses that you were so caught up in what was going on that you didn’t pay attention. Great sex also includes willingness to quit expecting to duplicate what you see in porn, especially when the other person says they’re not interested."
"Total connection...meaning you wrap yourself around me, in me...try to see through me. Experience me...let me Experience you...your sounds. Guttural, ancestral...your smell...your released...come undone."
"The transcendent feeling when the world stops around you, there's no sound but you two, and there is no longer a goal. The pleasure is so all-consuming you remember how powerful it can be to surrender."
"True intimacy. It’s something that happens naturally when people are kind to each other. Attentiveness to the body. Equal satisfaction (because men that don’t like eating coochie are not fair partners to me), great foreplay, great aftercare (I make my partner clean me up before I get up to do anything and I do the same at times)."
"You have to be comfortable with the person. Sex should be fun, exploring what feels good instead of what you think pleasure should look like. Taking your time. Folks are in such a hurry to get to it, they miss all the good stuff that makes getting there even better. It's not a race. Intimacy...in all its forms."
"Bravery. Vulnerability. Softness (from the dominant/masculine partner). Boldness (from the feminine/submissive partner). Actually LIKING who you are with. (I don’t mean chemistry. I mean actually LIKING the person). And communicating after leaving each other’s presence. I LOVE a good recap or something to let me know that it’s still lingering on you!"
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Halle Bailey On The Revolutionary Act Of Wearing Her Locs As Ariel
When the trailer for The Little Mermaid dropped, everyone finally got to see Halle Bailey as Ariel. Black women and girls raved over the singer/ actress’s beauty as the beloved character while she belted out the Disney classic song “Part of Your World.” And one of the most noticeable things that many fans pointed out was that the character’s red hair was made of locs.
Halle, who makes up one-half of the Grammy-nominated group Chloe x Halle, is known for sporting locs and has had them since prior to fame. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Halle shared that it was the director Rob Marshall’s idea to integrate some of her characteristics, such as her locs, into the character.
Teaser for ‘The Little Mermaid’ starring Halle Bailey debuts with over 104 million global views, Variety reports.
It beats out Cruella, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and Maleficent 2. pic.twitter.com/v2lSoMYib6
— Pop Base (@PopBase) September 12, 2022
​"With Rob, he's so amazing and just saying, 'I see you and I want to bring you into the character,'" she said. "So it was a beautiful thing. My hair, for example — incorporating my locs into the red hair was something that was really special to me. The outfit, the fins, everything. It's just amazing. I'm just grateful that I've been able to take the essence of me and mix the two."
Rob first teased the news that Halle’s hair will still be in locs as Ariel in an August 2022 Varietyinterview. “She looks stunning in red hair; not everybody does,” he said.
And many fans of the “Forgive Me” singer can agree. When the trailer dropped, there was an influx of reactions. While she has unfortunately received backlash for being cast as Ariel due to the color of her skin, there was also a lot of praise and support sent her way.
Tina Knowles Lawson shared an Instagram post with Halle and wrote a loving caption to the singer.
“I remember talking about her role as Ariel to the beautiful And Super talented @hallebailey on my show " Talks with Mama Tina,”" Tina wrote. “She and her beautiful sister @chloebailey .She spoke about the pressure of filling the shoes of past Little Mermaids Roles. Well we could not be more excited or proud of you as Ariel. You are changing our little black girls perspective on them being not limited to certain spaces and to be seen!!!! Kudos beautifulHalle.❤️❤️❤️
Legendary actress Halle Berry tweeted that she couldn’t wait to watch it.
this means so much! Can’t wait @HalleBailey 👏🏽💕💕 https://t.co/5swsRyjyne
— Halle Berry (@halleberry) September 10, 2022
And Chlöe showered her little sister with love in a series of tweets.
“MY BABYYYYY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” followed by 11 mermaid emojis.
MY BABYYYYY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️🧜🏽‍♀️ https://t.co/2HvFOyOCvK
— Chlöe (@ChloeBailey) September 9, 2022
In the next tweet, she shared that she was “gonna cry” and lastly wrote “that’s my mfn sister. YUP.”
that’s my mfn sister. YUP.
— Chlöe (@ChloeBailey) September 10, 2022
The Little Mermaid - Official Teaser Trailer
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Featured image by Corey Nickols/Getty Images for IMDb
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5 Times Megan Thee Stallion & Pardison Fontaine Showed Their Love On The 'Gram
Another day, another photo of Megan Thee Stallion that went viral. But this time she had a little help from her boyfriend Pardison “Pardi” Fontaine. The “Pressurelicious” artist’s fans were in for a surprise a few days ago after Megan posted a photo of herself lying on the floor with her legs up and wrapped around Pardi’s waist. Pardi appeared to be focused on playing his video game while Meg’s derriere was tooted in the air but he managed to wrap his arms around it as he held the controller.
The hotties had a field day with this photo showing the couple’s playful side and some fans even posted themselves recreating the pose.
The Grammy award-winning rapper captioned the series of photos “📸Dump” which included another cute photo of the couple. They both made a silly face while taking a mirror pic this time. Meg confirmed that she was dating Pardi in February 2021 and since then they have broken the internet a few times with their adorable and sometimes risqué photos.
We’ve listed some of the couple’s viral moments on social media.
On Feb. 19, 2021, Pardi had everyone gushing over his Valentine’s Day surprise for his H-Town boo. The series of photos showed the “Backin’ It Up” emcee showering Meg with love, from a private jet to a room full of rose petals and balloons.
In March of that year, he posted a photo of the “Her” artist in bed wearing a bonnet and in the next photo, he is seen wearing the bonnet.
In celebration of their one-year anniversary, Megan shared (but later deleted) some naughty photos. In one photo, Pardi is drinking a cocktail from her butt.
The next one showed the 27-year-old squatting on the ground in front of Pardi while her face was pressed against his nether regions. Talk about spicy.
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Featured image by Shareif Ziyadat/Getty Images for 40/40 Club
The Mamie 'Till' Movie Wants To Empower Us
Sitting in the theater getting ready to watch Nopefor the third time, I was excited, like a good film nerd, to see my friend's first-time reactions to the fun UFO horror-comedy. My heart sank immediately when a trailer for the film Till, which follows the life and legacy of Emmett Till's mother, Mamie, started playing first.
My knee-jerk reaction, of course, comes from years of watching film and TV that have exploited Black trauma onscreen and were created with little (if any) consideration for what could emotionally trigger the Black audience. The 1955 murder of Emmett Till is so heartbreaking and inherently violent; would this film make us live through that violence on screen?
This week, before watching Gina Prince-Bythewood's incredible The Woman King, a featurette for Till played in place of a trailer and it soothed my fears.
"There will be no physical violence against Black people on screen," the film's award-winning director and co-writer Chinonye Chukwu says in the featurette. "I'm not interested in relishing in that kind of physical trauma. We're going to begin and end in a place of joy," she says.
Starring Danielle Deadwyler (whose heartfelt performance on HBO's Station Eleven stole the show) as Mamie, Till is a celebration of Mamie's tireless activism which sparked the civil rights movement that continues today and ultimately culminated in President Biden signing the Emmett Till Anti-Lynching Act into law just a few months ago in March 2022. "Mamie Till Mobley is a hero," says Alana Mayo, president of Orion Pictures, the production company behind the film. "I'm really, really committed to making movies not just by us, but for us," Mayo says in the featurette.
After a private screening of Till, this week, Trayvon Martin's mother, Sybrina Fulton, tweeted that the film was "#Powerful" and "a must see."
I attended the private screening of the Emmett Till Movie TILL Movie
🎥 🍿 Coming to a theater near you this October #Powerful#TillMovie#MamieTillpic.twitter.com/QP4BTkavuk
— Sybrina Fulton (@SybrinaFulton) September 21, 2022
Mamie's story of courage in the face of unspeakable tragedy deserves to be told--especially as we continue the fight for civil rights today. Knowing that the Black filmmakers behind the film are centering Black joy and aiming for our empowerment through the film makes a world of difference.
TILLis in theaters October 14.
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5 Black Women TikTokers To Binge Watch
This is a safe space: You spend hours watching videos on Tik Tok when you should be doing something else, don’t you? You swear that it’ll just be a few minutes and then a few minutes becomes thirty minutes and before you know it, you’ve been laying in your bed for over an hour watching dozens and dozens of videos of precocious babies and people doing the latest dance challenge. No judgment here – we’ve all been there. To feed your addiction to the ever enticing scroll of the Tik Tok “For You” page, xoNecole has compiled a list of some of our favorite accounts on the app.
If you’ve ever come across the account of this professional therapist your first thoughts might have been, “Now why is Kelly Rowland in my business?” Despite the striking similarities, Simone Saunders is not one of the members of Destiny’s Child – but that’s not stopping the Canadian-based trauma therapist from helping you learn how to be a Survivor. With her advice on how to heal from abusive and toxic relationships learned through her years of training, Saunders, or “Dr. Rowland,” as she playfully calls herself, will definitely be your Motivation to get your life right.
@thecognitivecorner 🫡 #therapytiktok#healingtok#parentifiedchild#traumatok♬ gford._ gets no maidens - $avøry-$adisticpai
“Everybody saying they need love, they need peace, they need happiness – b-tch I need 30 bands right f-cking now!” is one of the many viral sounds that TikToker Aliyahs Interlude1 has spawned. The self-described “It Girl” has over a million followers who look to her for her bold fashion looks and her off-the-cuff style of humor.
@aliyahsinterlude1 literally stop guys 🙄🙄✋🏿 #fyp♬ original sound - aliyahsinterlude
If you are looking for a funny Black lesbian’s perspective into pop culture who will explain why Megan thee Stallion is a queer icon or why Rihanna and A$AP Rocky are a lesbian couple, look no further than the pop culture breakdowns of Homo Honey0. With her witty perspective, you’ll find yourself going down a queer and glorious rabbit hole of her page.
@homohoney0 Reply to @winteranddsummer #greenscreen#zendaya#zendayaandtomholland#euphoria#spidermanfarfromhome♬ original sound - PEYTON DIX
All it takes is watching one video from the precocious toddler Cami Fro Babe and her mother before your baby fever activates. This sweet North Carolina mama and daughter duo will have you smiling and laughing as they go shopping, vacationing, and getting into all the cuddles and sweetness that one could barely handle.
@camifrobabe Someone is excited about the new Little Mermaid 🧜🏾♀️ , she said they have the same hair 😩🥹😩 @halle ♬ original sound - CamiandFamily💕
Who doesn’t love hearing the messiness that celebrities were getting into decades ago? Tea with Britt gives you that good chamomile about what stars of yore were getting themselves into, including the sordid details of the many loves of Julia Roberts’ life or about Jerry Seinfield’s past creepy behavior, you’re going to want to keep your notifications on for the hot cup of what Britt is serving next.
@teawithbritt#greenscreen#derekjeter#mariahcarey#music#celebs#messytea☕️#popculture#fyp♬ Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
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