en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en ro en en es en tl en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en en ro en en es en tl en en en
When a bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got 6 journeys instead of 4 for a pound, one elderly gentleman, renowned for his frugality, was still unhappy.  "It's all damn foolishness," he declared. "Now we've got to walk to town 6 times instead of 4 to save a pound!"
Why are Scots so good at golf?  They realize that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.
McTavish took his girlfriend out for the evening.  They returned to her flat just around midnight, and as she kissed him goodnight she said "Be careful on your way home.  I'd hate anyone to rob you of all the money you've saved this evening."
A foreigner lady visitor cornered a Scotsman in the Highland Games ground and asked:
"I heard of Scotsmen and their kilts. Do you mind telling me what's worn under your kilt?"
"Nothing is worn under the kilt Madam; everything is in good working order", answered the Scot smiling.
McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper"
Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness.  They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth.
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and  he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York.  At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
After announcing that he was getting married, a boy tells his pal that he will be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his pal.
"oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'
How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
Nae bother - just take up a collection.
A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said,  "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
Jock decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!
How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?...Och! it's no that dark!
A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi...She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.
MacDougal said, 'Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 [$20,000USD] and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'
Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'
MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel.  However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.
'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling.  Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.'
A lodger in a Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear, when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr MacGregor?'
'Och aye,' Mac replied.
'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror in the bathroom.'
A wee Glasgow kid comes home from school and tells his Ma that he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. Whit part is it?"
"I play the part of a Scottish husband!"
Mother scowls and says,
"Go back an' tell that teacher that you want a speakin' part!!"
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink.  As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whiskly, being fourteen years old.  "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "it's very small for its age."
One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while  walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you, let it be blood!"
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta .
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orland and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Africa, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it..
The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots  had the same phone.
He arrived  in Scotland  and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered,
'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.
Who Said Romance is Dead? - Glasgow personal ads...
A  very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" - so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins...  Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received a reply. " Thanks for the vase." it read. " It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
Sandy went to the hospital complaining of sharp pains in his legs. After a few days of tests, his doctor came to see him. " Sandy, I have some good news and some bad news Which do you want to hear first ? "
Sandy asked for the bad news first. " The bad news is that we'll have to amputate both your legs."
" My legs ! " wailed Sandy. " What on earth could the good news possibly be ? "
" Donald, the man across the hall says he'll buy your kilt."
Ah, the honesty of the Scots:
An armed, hooded, robber burst into the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation! He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over and calmly shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor."Did anyone else see my face?" asked the robber. There were a few moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking
down, tentatively raised her hand and said: "I think my husband might have caught a glimpse .…."
Wee Scot  goes into a pub in Glasgow.  There's a sign over the bar: "A PINT, A PIE AND A KIND WORD....A POUND".  The Scot plunks his pound on the bar.  The barman pours him a pint and puts up a pie, but then turns to go away.
"Hey, whit aboot the kind word" asked the wee man.
The barman looked over his shoulder and snapped back: "Don't eat the pie!"
A wee Glaswegian was aye drunk.  He tells his wife he's off to the pub.
"Well, ye'll find the front door locked an' bolted...an' if ye're drunk as usual ye can jist sleep on the doorstep!"
He's coming home half pissed, dreading his confrontation with the wife, and he sees a duck waddling along the sidewalk with a broken wing.  Ah, he thinks, the wife would like a nice fat duck for the pot....a peace offering.  He shows up at the front door with the duck in hand.  The door's locked, so he rings, and she opens the door. "Whit are ye doin' wi that pig?" she asks.
"That's no a pig, it's a duck"
"Ay," she says "ah wis talkin' tae the duck!"
Three friends - an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot - went into a pub and ordered three pints.  Coincidentally, a fly landed in each of their drinks.  The Englishman asked the barman for a spoon and a napkin, and very carefully spooned out his fly onto the napkin, folded it up ever so nicely, and asked the barman to dispose of it.
The Irishman unceremoniously scooped his fly out with his cupped hand, dumped it onto the barroom floor, and stomped on the poor wee beastie.
The Scot delicately grasped his fly by the wing, held it over his beer for a while, gave it a wee shake to capture the last drip, then bent close to the fly and said: "O.K. pal, cough up the rest."
A wee Scot was out drinking with his friends.  He had a great night, and was well oiled, but thought he'd pick up a six-pack on the way home.  When he got home he staggered up to the bathroom, opened all the cans and poured them all down the toilet.
"Why are you pouring them down the toilet?" his wife asked.
"Well," replied the man, "that'll save me having to get up during the night".
A Glasgow fellow phones up Alcoholics Anonymous, and asks: “Ish that Alcoholicsh Anonymoush?”
The fellow at AA answers: “Yes it is, do you want to join?"  "Naw," replies the wee man, I want tae resign.
A young lad on a bottle drive range the doorbell of a house.  A sour-faced woman answered, and the boy asked: "Do you have any empty whisky bottles, missis?", to which she replied indignantly.  "Do I look like someone who would drink "whisky?"
"Naw,"a the boy conceded, but then upon reflection "...do you have any empty vinegar bottles?"
Three Scots who lived in a quiet but beautiful part of the Highlands were sitting quietly one summers evening on a hill overlooking their village, at the foot of which was the old kirk and its neat, ancient graveyard.  The three were contentedly puffing on their pipes, and with their view of the graveyard began to philosophise on the meaning of life, and the hereafter.  The oldest took the pipe from his mouth and said:
"When I die, I'd like to lie near old Sandy MacPherson; many's the night we spent thegether poachin' the Lairds salmon."
The three of them contemplated that thought for a while and the second eldest stopped his puffing and added:
"Well, when I go I'd like to be laid beside Jamie Thomson; many's the wee dram he and I enjoyed in one another’s company."
That profound statement was puffed over for a few silent moments, when the third and youngest of the trio took his pipe from his lips and said:
"I'd fair like to lie beside that bonnie wee Jeannie Scott."
His two companions turned on him with a mixture of puzzlement and impatience.
"Whit are ye bletherin' aboot ye daft loon," counters one of them, "Jeannie's no’ even deid yet!  The third man replied:  "Ye're right there...an' neither am I!"
Exercise is good for you. My Grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 65. She's 97  now and still going strong...but we don't know where the hell she is.
I was on Vancouver Island with my wife and our car had to be put in for some repairs.  So as not to waste the day we decided to take a bus up the coast; we went as far as Duncan.  On the way back, and as we were leaving the town of Duncan, the bus screeched to a halt.  Apparently a drunk man had stepped in front of the bus in his effort to flag it down.  He clambered on the bus, and then engaged in a loud altercation with the driver.  Eventually he staggered to the back of the bus where we were and sat opposite us but beside a young clergyman.  The drunk looked askance at the young man and in his drunken drawl asked:  "So who are you then...the Pope or somethin'."  The young cleric puffed himself up and replied:  "I'm a Duncan pastor!"   After a moment of pained thought the drunk responded:
"That's funny, I think that's what the driver just called me."
The Pope was to speak at the U.N. in New York. His plane was late, and someone had fouled up getting a car to the airport to pick him up, so he just jumped in a yellow cab and told the driver:  "Get me to the U. N. as fast as you can."
The driver took off at speed, but the Pope kept urging him to go faster.  At one point the driver complains that he's going as fast as he can, so the Pope says: "O.K. pull over." The driver does as he's told. The Pope says: "Get into the back seat; I'll drive this thing", so off the Pope roars at great speed. Soon a cop car pulls him over.  The cop takes one look in the car, hisses through his teeth and returns to his car radio.  He calls dispatch: "Gonna need some supervisory help on this one," he tells dispatch.  "What's the offence?" asks the dispatcher.  "Speeding."
"Why do you need a supervisor for a speeding offence?"
"'Cause this one's big!" replies the cop.
"You mean he's a Senator?"
"Bigger!" exclaims the cop.
"What could be bigger than an Ambassador...you surely don't mean the President of the United States?"
"Bigger than that!" replies the cop.
"Who the hell have you got there anyway?"
"Damned if I know," replies the cop, "but whoever he is, the Pope's his driver!"
Priest to Rabbi:  "When are you going to give in and try a little pork?"
Rabbi:  "At your wedding."
At a church social a minister was berating a group of parishioners about the evils of drink.  To illustrate his point he poured a glass of water and a glass of whisky.  He dropped a worm into the glass of water and it wriggled about with apparent delight.  He then dropped another worm into the glass of whisky; it writhed about for a few seconds and expired in agony.
"So what lesson do you take from that, Sandy?" he asked turning to one of his red-nosed audience.
"Well," puzzled Sandy, "...that ye shouldna put water in yer whisky if ye've got worms."
A friend of mine recently went through one of those religious experiences, so he's a born-again something-or-other.  Now just about everything in his life involves divine intervention, even going to the bathroom.  The other day he told me that now when he gets up in the middle of the night God turns on the bathroom light as soon as he opens the door, and then turns it off again when he closes the door..which my friend says is just as well, 'cause he's always half asleep when he gets up.  Well, I figured it out, so I said to him:
"Jock, have you been noticing recently that your fridge is flooded in the morning?"
At a Burns Supper, the giver of the Immortal Memory, an old windbag, went on for nearly an hour and a half.  At last one of the audience throws an empty bottle at him, misses, and instead hits one of the other head table guests on the head, unnoticed by the old windbag who carries on speaking.  The injured man starts to slide down in his seat, but partly recovers and is heard to mumble:
"Hit me again, Wully; ah c'n still hear the auld bugger!"
Proposer of the Immortal Memory asks his host: "How long would you like me to speak?"  The host responds rather curtly: "As long as ye like, but we're a' goin' hame at half-past eleven"
A speaker at a Burns Supper tried very hard to be both funny and interesting, but was neither...in fact he was beyond awful.  His audience was becoming more and more restless and resentful.  When he finally sat down he himself felt so badly that he apologized to the MC.  The MC responded: "There's no need to apologize; it's no' your fault, son, it was oor fault fur asking' ye."
I asked a friend the other day:  "Do you prefer talkative women, or the other kind?"
"What other kind?" he asked.
When my wife wants me to listen to reason, she wants me to listen to her.
She's a smart girl...she told me she always gets more from Santa than the other girls; she leaves her legs in her stockings.
Give a woman an inch and she'll become a ruler.
In this day of gender equality, behind every good man is a woman trying to get his job.
Three men were out fishing and they pulled in a beautiful mermaid.  Right away they realised they could make their fortunes putting her on display.  She pleaded with them to let her go, but they knew they were on to a good thing  "O.K." she says, I've got magical powers.  Just like a genie, I can give each of you one wish on condition that you throw me back.  The men didn't believe her, but thought they'd go along with her.  The first man asked that she double his intelligence.  She closed her eyes, nodded her head in his direction, and by gosh he did feel a sensation in his head; and indeed he suddenly found he could think much more incisively, so he agreed she had done as she promised.
The second man then said. "Well, if you can do that for him, you can increase my intelligence fourfold.  The mermaid closed her eyes, nodded at him, and wow, he really felt a sensation in his head.  He was a mathematics professor, so he started trying to work out a whole bunch of complex mathematical formulae that previously he need a caculator for, which he found he could easily do, so he too agreed she had done it.
The third man said: "Hey, I want a six-fold increase in my intelligence.  The mermaid looked very perplexed and tried to dissuade him.
"Please don't ask me to do that, I promise you'll regret it."
But the man kept insisting, until at last he told her if she didn't give in and do it they wouldn't throw her back.  Finally with great reluctance she relented.  She closed her eyes, nodded in his direction...and turned him into a woman.
Question...if a man wanders alone into the centre of a dark forest and whispers an opinion, does that mean he won't be contradicted by his wife?
In this age of unisex fashion, women are just as likely to be wearing the pants; but you can still tell them apart...the woman is the one doing the talking.
The rooster does all the crowing, but it’s the hen that delivers the goods.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their love lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Only once?" the Italian snorted arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
A young couple were in bed. It was the middle of the night, and they were awakened by an armed intruder. He was a 250 lb tattooed, muscle-bound man, who said he was an escaped convict.  He tied up each of his victims and left them on the bed while he ransacked the house.  As the young wife lay there in her skimpy nightie, the husband whispered:
“This guy probably hasn’t been this close to a woman in years. If he wants to have sex with you, pretend you’re enjoying it...it could save our lives.“I'm glad you feel that way dear,” replies the wife, because when he was tying me up he said he thought you looked really cute.
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he noted: "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked, "do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.  He looked around and didn't see anyone, so he opened it.  A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.  The genie
said: "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one - none of that three wishes nonsense, OK?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have
never been able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill.  So,
I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said: "No, I don't think I can do that;
think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to
reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steel and concrete that would be
needed.  I'm sorry, you will have to make another wish."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie: "There is one other thing that I have
always wanted.  I would like to be able to understand women.  What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what are their true desires and needs?  Basically... what makes them tick?  The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times.  "So, that road to Hawaii…do you want two lanes or four?"
I asked him if he was married.  He said: “No, I just fell off a roof.”
A young lad approached his father one day with quite a serious demeanour, and asked: "Dad, where did I come from?" The father had dreaded this day, but it had to be faced.  So he asked his son to sit down, drew a deep breath and launched into the task...the story of the birds and the bees, and all that goes with it.  The boy was very attentive, and after about an hour the father was finished. The boy thanked him politely and got up to leave. Just as he was about to exit the door the father asked: "What was it made you ask, son?"
"Well," replied the boy looking a little bewildered, "my friend Billy said he was from Vancouver; I just wanted to know where I was from."
A wee boy - 4 years old - hadn't ever spoken a word, and of course his parents were going crazy and trying everything to get him to talk.  One day the mother served him up a bowl of porridge.  He threw it on the floor and said: "Yuk, that tastes disgusting!"  His mother was so delighted to hear him speak that she didn't care at all about the mess.
"You can talk!", she exclaimed;  "How is it you never said anything before?"
"Well," shrugged the kid, "up till now everything's been O.K."
A wee Glasgow fellow is in hospital...seriously ill.  The doctors decide they can do nothing more for him and send him home to die.  As he's lying in his bed at home he catches a delicious smell coming from the kitchen, and calls out to his wife:
"My! that's a grand smell, what is it?", to which she replies curtly:
"I'm just baking some cinnamon buns."
"Oh Maggie I'd just love a cinnamon bun he pleads.
"Well, she answers, you can't have one...they're for the funeral."
A gentleman was driving through a farmer's yard and accidentally ran over the rooster.  He felt very badly, and sought out the farmer to own up to what he had done.  The farmer was most upset:  "That was my prize rooster!" he exclaimed.
"I'm really sorry," said the man, "I must insist upon replacing it."
"Please yourself," replied the farmer; "the hens are in the barn."
At the Fire Station just after the men had bedded down for the night a call came in.  The man on phone duty roused himself and answered.  The caller was reporting a fire at his house.  "Have you tried pouring some water on it?" asked the sleepy fireman.  On being told by the distraught caller that he had, but without success, the fireman replied:
"Well there's not much point in us coming out...that's all we'd do anyway."
Two Newfie's meet up.  One taunts the other:
"Na,na,na,na, na...I was passing your house last night after supper and I saw you having it off with your wife on the kitchen table."  The other one replied:
"Na, na, na, na, na...I was out all evening, so there!"
Two Newfies meet on a street in downtown St. Johns.  They haven’t seen one another for twenty years - since before the end of the Second World War - so the one says:
“Davie boy, I thought you were dead.  I heard you’d been killed overseas, but now that I see you I realize it must have been your brother Ned. Davie replies: "Naw, it must have been me right enough...Ned never went overseas.”
Whats the difference between soccer and politics? In soccer you use your head.
Never pick a fight with an ugly guy...he’s got nothing to lose!
Transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy ship and a Canadian source off the coast of Newfoundland:
1st Ship: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Second: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees.
1st Ship: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship; I say again, divert your course!
Second: No, I say again divert your course.
1st Ship: This is an aircraft carrier of the U.S. Navy. We are a large warship...divert your course now!
Second: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A fellow died and went to hell.  Satan told him he hed be spending eternity in one of three punishment room, but he would get to choose which one. Satan showed him the first room.  It had a concrete floor, and all the lost souls were standing on their heads.  They looked in the second room; this time it had a wooden floor, but again the damned were standing on their heads. The man said: “Well, at least thats an improvement, but lets have a look in the third room.This time the occupants were standing sipping cups of coffee, although they were up to their navels in excrement.  It smelled pretty bad, but the man still thought it was a lot better than the other two rooms so he opted for that one, and Satan left.  He went over and joined his companions and helped himself to some coffee.  A couple of minutes later Satan returned and said: O.K. you miserable lot, coffee breaks over...get back on your heads.
A fellow was going on holiday and left his dog with a friend.  A few days into his holiday he got a call from the friend who said: “Hi John, your dog died.When he got over the shock the man chided his friend:
“You know how much I loved my dog, so that was a pretty cruel way of telling me. You could have worked into it gently. Why didn't you say something like: Your dog was up on the roof, so I called the fire department. They tried for hours to get it down, but Im afraid to no avail...etc, etc. At least that way you’d have softened me up before breaking the bad news.A few days later he got another call from his friend: “Hi John, your mother was up on the roof...
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.  He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting:
"So you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called ‑ you left your wheelchair there again."
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.  The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tener that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "Why that's impossible.  It simply cannot be done."
The Queen says, "Watch this". So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd
goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering!
The Pope begins to wonder what he is going to do to demonstrate for the Queen that his power is equally amazing.  After a few moments pass, the Pope turns to the Queen and says:
"I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, and not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."  The Queen smirks and says: "There is no way, it simply can't be done."
So the Pope head-butts her.
Two guys are walking their dogs on a hot day.  The first guy, who has a Doberman, says: 'Hey let's go in that bar and grab a cold beer'. The second guy, who has a Chihuahua, says: 'They won't let us in with our dogs!' The first guy says 'No problem, we'll tell 'em that they're seeing‑eye dogs.'
The first guy goes into the bar and the bartender says, 'Hey! You can't come in here with that dog.' The guy says: “This is my seeing‑eye dog...Dobermans are much better than German Shepherds...smarter and stronger.” The bartender lets him in.
The second guy comes in and the bartender calls out: “Dogs aren’t allowed in the bar!” The second guy says:”It's OK, he's my seeing‑eye dog.” The bartender exclaims: 'A Chihuahua!”
The second guy says: “What!  They gave me a Chihuahua?”
There was this farmer and his rooster had just passed away, and all of his hens were sad and depressed. They were so depressed that they would not lay any eggs. So the farmer figured he'd have to find a new rooster, which he did. He put the rooster in the chicken pen and suddenly the rooster mounted a hen, then another, then another. The farmer was amazed and said:
"You're going to have to slow down or you'll kill yourself!"
After the rooster had finished with the hens the rooster started to mount all the barnyard animals. He mounted the cows, the goats, sheep, rabbits, pigs, horses, and even the dog.
Well that night the farmer went to bed and the rooster was still mounting animals. The farmer told him to quit or he was going to die. The next morning came and the old farmer saw the rooster lying on the ground with his tongue hanging out motionless on the ground. He walked over and said "I told you to quit." The rooster then sat up and pointed in the sky saying:
A guy is seated next to a parrot on a long flight.  Shortly after takeoff the parrot screams at the flight attendant: “Get me a double scotch, and be quick about it!  The flight attendant looks alarmed, but hops to it.  Shortly after the parrot yells at her, “Get me another drink, and be quick about it you lazy ass! Again, she hops to it and does the parrot’s bidding.
The guy in the adjoining seat is listening to all this, and figures it’s a good way to get things done, so he catches the attendants eye and yells:
O.K. bitch, you can get me a double scotch, and move your ass!Just then a red-faced, burly male attendant appears, grabs both the parrot and the guy, opens the door of the plane, and tosses them both out.  As they’re tumbling towards the ground, the guy says to the parrot: “You know, despite this unfortunate outcome, I really admire your assertive style.  The parrot replies: “Hey, and I admire yours...especially since you can’t fly.”
A burglar broke into a residence, and as he crept into the living room of the home he heard a voice say: “Jesus is watching you! He froze to the spot and waited, barely daring to breath.  After a few seconds the same voice repeated: Jesus is watching you!The man was petrified, but figured he had nothing to lose now and boldly switched on the light.  There was no one in room, except a parrot in the far corner.
“Was it you said that? the man asked the parrot.
Yes it was”, replied the parrot.
“And what do they call you? asked the burglar.
“Clarence” replied the bird.  The man laughed.
“What idiot would give a parrot a name like Clarence?“The same idiot that named the Rottweiller Jesus, replied the bird.
Two wee boys come down for breakfast.  The mother asks the older one what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have some f#%>ing cornflakes,” he announces, showing off a smart new word he learned at school the day before.  His mother acted with devastating swiftness, smacking him around the ear and sent him whaling up to his room.
When she had finally composed herself she turns to the younger son and says:“OK, so what do you want for breakfast?”
“Well,” mused the little guy carefully, “I don’t want any f#%>ing cornflakes”.
A THOUSAND WASTED YEARS - THE CORRECT INTERPRETATION IS EVERYTHING!
In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium.  He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.  One day he asked Father Florian, the Armarius of the Scriptorium:
"Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else?  Are they ever checked against the original?"
"A very good point, my son," said Father Florian. "I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it to the original."
And so, the good Father Florian went down to the vault and began his verification. After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. As they approached the vault, they heard loud sobbing and crying.  When they opened the door, they found Father Florian slouched over the new copy and the original ancient book, both lying open before him on the table.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my God," sobbed the priest, "the word is "CELEBRATE!!!!"
Three ex-pats - a Scot, an Irishmen and a Pole - are having a drink in a pub in Calgary, and they get around to talking about the great pubs they knew in the old country.  The Scot reminisces: "You know, in Glasgow there's a pub called the 'Tartan Tammy', and if you pay  for your first two drinks, the barman buys you a third."
Everybody thought that sounded pretty good, but the Irishman pipes up: “Well, in Dublin, when you buy one drink in ‘O’Mally’s’, the barman pays for the second” Everyone agreed that was even better, but then the Pole says:
“Yeah, but in Warsaw, ‘Polsky’s Bar’ is even better.  There you get the first drink free, and the second, and then a third...all for free.  Then they take you in back and you get laid.”
The other two guys thought that was spectacular, but then the Scot says to the Pole:
“Hey, ye’ve got to be kiddin’...it just sound too good to be true; have you experienced that yourself?”  ”No,” replies the Polish guy, “but my sister has.”
Every year Wilbur and Florence went to the State Fair, at which pleasure flights were offered for $10. Wilbur wanted to go for a ride so badly, but Florence would always say: “No Wilbur, ten bucks is ten bucks.”  Finally one year Wilbur became adamant and said: “Look Flo, I’m 71 years old, and I’ve always wanted to go up in an airplane.  If I don’t do it now, I never will.”  To which Florence insisted once again that “…ten bucks is ten bucks.”
The local air ace overheard their conversation, as he had every year, and was tired of it.  So he interrupted the heated argument between the two oldies by saying:
“OK you two…tell you what I’ll do. I’ll take you up for nothing, but only if you don’t say a word throughout the whole flight.  If either of you says anything I’ll charge you the ten bucks.”  Of course, he was pretty sure he’d get his $10 out of the old skinflints in the end.  Wilbur and Flo agreed, and they sat together behind the pilot in the two passenger seats.  Up they went, and both kept their mouths shut. The pilot thought he’d have some fun with them, so he started doing spins and rolls, and loop-the-loops…but still not a word from the old couple.  When he finally landed the plane he looked over his shoulder at Wilbur and said: “You two did great; I was sure one of you would say something during those aerobatics.”
“Well,” said Wilbur, “I was definitely gonna say somethin’ when Flo fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks.”
A Vampire Bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.  Pretty soon all the other Bats caught the scent of blood and began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues and fangs lusting for blood.
"Now, do you see that great big oak tree over there" he asked.
"YES! YES! YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "Because I f#%<ing didn't".
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.  Love, Papa.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, For God's sake don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.  Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next moring, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  Sorry about the FBI, but that's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you, Vinnie.
An accused person appeared in court, requesting an emergency adjournment of his trial.  His reason..."Sir, my wife is about to conceive." (tittering from the gallery...)
"I think my client means his wife is about to give birth, my Lord", the lawyer hastened to correct. The judge replied: "Well, in either event, he should be there."
A lawyer asks a witness in court: "Can you describe the accused?", to which the witness replies:
"Ay well, that's what I was doing when he hit me."
(True story...honest!) A Master-in-Chambers was hearing an application in a Calgary civil court one day.  The applicant, a non-lawyer, was representing himself. Things obviously weren't going well for him, so in closing he said to the master: "I don't care what you decide, I'm going to appeal!", at which the master shot back: "Even if you win?"
(Another true story) A famous Calgary defence lawyer was acting for a client accused of trafficking in narcotics.  The lawyer pled his client ‘guilty’, but proceeded to argue in mitigation of sentence. The offence would usually result in jail time, but the lawyer argued strongly that the accused was remorseful, and how since being charged he had turned his life around.
“I would ask for a fine Your Honour,” he said, “but a heavy one.  I agree there needs to be a strong deterrent and so I would invite Your Honour to impose a large fine on my client. His parents and family and friends are here in the courtroom today, and I happen to know they are prepared this very day to put up the money for such a fine.”
The judge turned to the Crown Prosecutor and asked: “What is the Crown’s position on this? Do you agree that a heavy fine would be a sufficient deterrent in this case?”
The Crown replied: “Well Sir, I suppose it would...to the parents and family and friends.”
A Scotsman was eating in a restaurant in London, and he leaves three pennies on the table as a tip.  The waitress looks at them and says:  "I can tell your fortune from those three coins.  The first one tells me your're a Scotsman."  The Scotsman nods in surprised agreement.
"The second coin tells me your're not married."
"Quite right again" he says.
"And the third one tells me your parents weren't married either!"
Definition of a puritan...someone who worries about someone else enjoying themselves.
There's a knock on the pearly gates, and St. Peter looks out to see a man standing there.  St. Peter is about to admit him, when the man disappears.  A short time later, there's another knock.  St. Peter sees the same man, but by the time he opens the gate, the man's gone again.  Not long after, another knock, and again the man disappears.
"Are you having me on?" yells St. Peter after the phantom figure.
"No," is the distant reply of an anxious voice, "they keep resuscitating me!"
Irish girl to her father:  "Dad, I'm pregnant."
Her father:  "Are you sure it's yours?"
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said: "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow.  I know she'd like something electrical; can you suggest something for her?"
"How about a chair?"
At a Burns Supper, a fine big haggis was delivered to each table.  An English guest remarked: "I've never seen a haggis before; it looks like a football.  I'm not sure whether I should eat it or kick it," he smirked.
After they had eaten, Jock asked his guest"  "So, how was it?""I should have kicked it," was the melancholy reply.