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With 2020 being…the way it has been, I'm pretty sure that you don't have any big out-of-the-house plans for New Year's Eve. I get that is kind of a bummer too. But girl, if you've got a man to ring the new year in with, you've got a party in your house. You just don't know it yet.
This piece? It's all about how to enjoy some really, really, REALLY good NYE sex. I'm talking about the kind that will make you never head out to a restaurant or club on December 31 again because—nothing can be more awesome than what's going on in your bedroom (or wherever you decide to do all of this stuff). Are you ready to get inspired to celebrate on a whole 'nother level?
1. Create a Foreplay List
Something that can be a sexually intriguing ice breaker is for you and your partner to individually put together a foreplay list on the eve of New Year's Eve. Literally sit down and think about 10 things that each of you sexually enjoy when it comes to the act of foreplay. Then share it with your partner before NYE officially rolls around. Mutually agree that the person who is able to recall the most things on the other's list, strictly by memory, over the course of the day, earns some sort of prize. The prize is totally up to the two of you. Maybe the "loser" prepares dinner. Perhaps the loser has to pamper the other for the rest of the day. Extra money from the loser could go into the sex jar (check out "5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar"). Whatever it is, it still needs to be something that will ultimately benefit the both of you in the long run. However, the purpose of this "game" is to remind you both that your separate foreplay wants and needs should be kept in the forefront of each other's minds. Starting with checking everything off of the list on New Year's Eve.
2. Commit to Some Outercourse, a Quickie and Intercourse
Start with some outercourse. What the heck is that? Back when I was in high school, the intense version of it was called dry humping. Long story short, it's any kind of sexual activity that doesn't involve any form of penetration (well, except for tongues going into mouths). It can be kissing, cuddling, giving each other a massage, or yeah, rubbing on each other to the point of almost experiencing an orgasm…shoot, maybe even to the point of actually having one. Why do some people enjoy this? One, it's a great form of foreplay, and two, it can build up all kinds of anticipation so that once penetration—of any form—goes down, folks are more than just a little excited to oblige.
A quickie is cool if you wake up horny on NYE or you want to give each other a "preview" of what's to come later on. Plus, if you're both able to climax from having one, that can make intercourse later on almost like the 90s R&B songs talk about when they refer to having sex all night long (girrrl…).
And finally intercourse. You're grown. You know what to do. But if you're looking for a few hacks to set this mutha all the way off right this year, check out "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level", "10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently", "How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile.", "Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream" and "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?".
3. Pile Up on Some Lube and Condoms (Ribbed Condoms, That Is)
The wetter, the better. There really is no other way to drive this particular point home than to say that. And the easiest way to make things wetter is—well first, drink more water and then—use some lubrication. While yes, the main purpose of lube is to make you and your partner more "slippery" so that intercourse is that much more comfortable and stimulating, don't underestimate the power that comes from placing it on other parts of each other's body's too. By dabbing some on the lobes of your ears, the back of your neck or the inside of your thighs, it can also help to intensify the desire for…more action. Your best bet is to go with a lubricant that is warming or tingly. Some brands that are right up the alley are listed here.
As far as condoms go, we all know that they help to prevent an undesired pregnancy or an STD. Folks who don't want either know that they need to use them. That said, though, even if you've been "going raw" with your partner for a while now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't bring a condom into the mix every once in a while; ribbed ones, to be specific. They have a way of making the friction that comes from intercourse way more pleasurable; especially if there's some lubricant on them. The best ribbed rubbers that are currently on the market can be found here.
4. Get a Stability Ball
What the heck is a stability ball? At the end of the day, it's basically the same thing as an exercise one. And why should you incorporate it into your sex life? Well, aside from it being able to help you to strengthen your core (I'm playing and serious at the same time), you have never experienced doggy style like you will once you've extended your body across a ball first. It can be a cool way to do cowgirl too. Not only does a stability ball bring a twist into classic sex positions, but it can always be a lot of fun as well. Think of it as playing a round of Twister, only the circles on the mat are real balls instead. And since laughter makes anything in life better (so long as you're laughing with one another and not at one another)…now do you see why you should make a Target run and pick one up real quick?
5. Cop a Vibrating Penis Ring Too
Are sex toys totally your thing? If so, something that's a pretty big sex trend right now are couples sex toys. Those are ones that both you and your partner can enjoy at the same time. On top of the list of faves is a vibrating penis ring. It's basically a ring that your partner puts on the shaft of his penis and, when it vibrates, you hop on so that it can stimulate your clitoris at the same time. I did a little investigating on this toy and folks have said that it was the best sex toy purchase that they have ever made. Just putting that out there. #wink
Back in my sexually active days, I had a few partners who used to enjoy watching me perform fellatio on them. While I didn't mind that in the least, let me tell you what did get on my very last nerve—that flashlight that they would put in my face. UGH. That's why I'm such a fan of sex, including the right kind of lighting. During this time of year, a lighting technique that I really like are string lights. They are so romantic and have a way of providing a winter wonderland-like vibe. Target, Walmart, Lowes—these are just some of the stores that carry them. I also found some on Wayfair's site that I really like because you can string them from the ceiling to the floor and then come in the soft hue of blue. You can cop those specific ones here.
Question. When's the last time that you and your partner danced together? If you can't remember, think back to some of your favorite rom-coms that had intimate dance scenes in them. Didn't they make you feel all warm 'n fuzzy inside? Actually, there is something to that.
There are marriage therapists who will literally "prescribe" that couples in trouble dance more because it's fun, it's a way to experience non-verbal communication and it's super sensual too. OK, but since we're talking about how to get some good-good going, why not turn on some of your favorite slow jams, take off all of your clothes, and slow grind naked? It's like outercourse 2.0 because it's flirty, intense and the kind of edging that can help you and yours to physically and emotionally connect in a really sexy and arousing—all without saying a single word.
Anyone who was able to survive a year like 2020, especially with their relationship intact, they deserve a round of stimulus checks (and then some)! And since New Year's Eve is a traditional time for toasting, definitely make sure that you and your partner toast each other. Although champagne is typically the signature drink for this particular occasion, if you want to try something new, how about playing your part? Believe it or not, Play Your Part is an alcoholic cocktail that is considered to be an aphrodisiac too, thanks to the chocolate (it contains compounds that elevate sexual arousal) and pomegranate (it increases testosterone levels by around 30 percent) liqueur. There is some strawberry puree and honey in the recipe to make things extra off the chain. If you want to test it out this year, the steps for making it are provided right here.
9. Serve Up a Condiments-Only Dessert
Oral sex. Be honest—can there be great sex without it? Whether you decide to have an elaborate NYE meal or just split a pizza, make sure to make room for dessert—and make sure that the dessert is for the two of you. You don't need much. Just get yourself some sweet-tasting condiments like chocolate syrup, caramel, honey, whipped cream, and maybe some puree of a favorite fruit. Place these, first on each other's erogenous zones, then on your genitals, being sure to lick the marked spots off along the way. If this doesn't get you especially hot 'n bothered, I'm not sure what will, chile.
10. Gargle Some Cold Minty Mouthwash
Speaking of oral, a particular hack that I promise you is a real game-changer is making sure you've got some cold minty mouthwash in your mouth before performing fellatio. If you hate going down, it can make the experience much more pleasant (especially if your partner happens to be, what I call, a lava lamp; you can read more about those here). Yet even if you really enjoy giving head, you'll like it even more because the menthol in the mouthwash will give your partner a tingly sensation that is truly unmatched for you both. If the mouthwash is cold, the unexpected temperature will take the experience up even a few more notches. Whew-whee!
(Put your mouthwash in the freezer about 30 minutes before you plan on hooking your partner up.)
11. Wear Some Pearls (and/or a Necktie)
If you've got a pearl necklace somewhere in your house, blow your partner's mind by wrapping it around the shaft of his penis. Not tightly; just enough to provide a unique sensation as you rub your hands up and down the necklace. It can really go next-level if you apply some lube to his penis first. He won't see it coming (no pun intended). Speaking of around-the-house-make-shift-sex toys, it's a good idea to bring a necktie into the equation too. You can tie each other's wrists together with it and well—I'll let your imagination take it from there.
12. Try Some Paper Clips
It wasn't until I saw the movie 50 Shades of Grey that I even got the concept of how "clamps" actually work. And while it's personally a hard pass for me, if you'd like to explore what a nipple clamp would feel like but you're not ready to commit to actually purchasing some, paper clips are a cool and cheap alternative. Make sure they're metal, medium, or large in size and that you put them in the freezer first. Then slide one onto your nipple (or his) and quickly pull it off. Report back if it stimulated you in any way. (I'm curious.)
13. Be His “Snow Angel”
On the eve of a new year, it only makes sense to introduce a new sex position into your repertoire, right? Personally, considering the time of year that NYE falls on, I thought that it would only be fitting to shout-out the snow angel sex position. It's basically like 69 except there's intercourse involved. Basically, while on your back, have your head facing your headboard and his facing the end of the bed while on top of you. Wrap your legs around his back and grab his butt to help him control how deeply he penetrates you. Since 70 percent of women have trouble achieving a vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation, this is one of the best ways to make that "goal" happen.
14. Offer Climax “Instructions”
It really is crazy, the kind of things that can remain in your head (and pop up outta the blue at times). Take the movieStrictly Business (Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Joseph C. Phillips) that came out in the very early 90s. Waymon (Joseph's character) was dating a woman, Diedre (played by Ann-Marie Johnson) who was annoying AF in bed. Why? Because she wasn't a dirty talker; she was a dictator—"Up! Down! Left! Right!" Awful. Anyway, this scene popped up in my head again because, when I say that a key to hot sex is to offer up climax instructions, I'm not talking about what Diedre's crazy ass was doing. What I mean is, the sounds that we make during sex (check out "Ever Wonder What The Sounds You Make During Sex Mean?"), along with the tone of our voice and the words that we say can be just as much of a turn-on as how we touch our partner.
And there is nothing like being your partner's "cheerleader" by encouraging him, not only to orgasm but telling him where and how you'd like him to do it. Do you want him to cum in you? Do you want him to slow down or speed up so that you can come together? I could keep going but I think you get my drift. There is something about hearing the word "cum", period, that incites arousal in a lot of us. Say it more this NYE. Watch what happens—and where—when you do.
15. Make a New Sex Resolution for the New Year
I can't help but to roll my eyes at married couples who only have the kind of sex that I just shared with you on "special occasions". Like really, what in the world? Isn't staying married enough of a reason to celebrate, on any given day of the week? I think a part of the challenge is holidays, birthdays and anniversaries give us the chance to plan in ways that a regular Thursday or Friday doesn't. So…make a sex plan. While you're in the bask of afterglow talk about the kind of sex you want to have more of in 2021. While I'm not big on resolutions, I will make an exception when it comes to sex because sex goals aren't made, nearly enough.
And to decide to make plans to have some hot, kinky, constant sex? How can that not make you excited about entering a whole new year?
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Shellie R. Warren is a lover of quotes, lip gloss, graphic t-shirts, silver jewelry and Pumas. She's an author with two published books (thus far) on matters of the heart. In fact, 2019 was the 15-year anniversary of her first release ' Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption' (she's seriously mulling over penning a sequel to it) and 2020 marked her 20-year anniversary of being a (mostly) full-time writer. Aside from that, when Shellie's not tellin' all her business, she's helping couples (marriage life coach) or assisting with birthing babies (doula). Her byline is all over cyberspace, but where you won't find her is on social media. Like anywhere. At all. If you need to hit her up, she's (usually) reachable at missnosipho at gmail.com, though. HOWEVER, pitches for xoNecole need to go to editor@xonecole. Hit her up for *strictly* Shellie-related stuff. Again, pitch article ideas to the site addy NOT HER. Much appreciated.
6 Items NYC's Most Stylish Can’t Wait To Wear This Fall
This year I had the pleasure of attending my very first New York Fashion Week where I witnessed the best of fashion both on and off the runway. In between highly anticipated shows and jam-packed schedules industry insiders dominated the street style scene making their very own impression on the world. Buyers to bloggers, editors, and stylists were captured serving one-of-a-kind looks that will forever live in Fashion Week history.
Strolling from one event to the next, I got on-the-ground coverage of the most eye-catching New Yorkers and what they’re excited to wear this fall. From layers to oversized clothing, the overall theme this season is maximum comfort and style while wearing classic staples that go far beyond seasonal trends. Keep scrolling to read the most anticipated items that will define New York style this coming fall/winter season.
Blazers are a personal favorite all year around, however, I love to up the ante with a leather option when it comes to fall. A staple in the millennial fashion community, blazers can be a lightweight addition to any look, especially during transitional weather. If opting for a chic all-black blazer or making a statement with a colored choice, I suggest a full leather look with matching trousers paired with a contrasting top and a boot to make an even bolder statement this fall.
No matter your personal style, the addition of layers upon layers is half skill and half art. At the top of everyone’s mind this fall, layering is a must for NYC fall/winter. Whether for fun or functionality, layering isn't just for warmth and comfort but for fashionistas, it's a way to play with your season’s best. Layer your look with warm accessories such as scarves, socks, and even jewelry along with functional items like button-downs, vests, blazers, and jackets.
3. Maya & Mina
One thing you can count on during Fashion Week is models bringing the best and most effortless street style. I ran into one of my favorite models, Maya, who recently moved to NYC from LA, and had to get her thoughts on how she plans to rework her fall wardrobe for an east coast aesthetic. When asking both her and her friend Mina what they’re looking forward to wearing this fall, the oversized look was the first that came to mind. “I’m looking forward to layering big baggy clothing this fall for warmth and a genderless look," Mina told xoNecole.
High boots with midi skirts
​High boots and midi skirts are a certified look for fall. You can dress this combination up or down depending on your personal style. For a casual look try a calf-length chunky boot with an oversized cropped sweatshirt with a denim midi skirt or for a more feminine and chic approach, wear a high boot with a sleek heel and long sleeve bodysuit or knit sweater.
Cargo pants are trending high on the list of fashion must-haves this fall. A closet staple that you can wear year after year, this is a pant style worth investing in. Tiffany shared her excitement to wear cargo pants this fall with xoNecole, "You can dress them up or down so it's the versatility that I love the most." When it comes to cargo pants, I love oversized ones the most with elements such as acid wash fabric or contrasting stitching to set your pair apart from the rest.
Fresh off the runway, I took one look at model Jordan Daniels and knew exactly which item she was looking forward to wearing this fall. Her oversized all-white ensemble made up of a men’s button-down and knee-length soft shorts paired with cognac riding boots defined comfy chic NYC style. Cool and effortless, Jordan made it clear flat knee-high boots are a perfect choice for the fashion girl on the go looking for her must-have shoe.
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KevOnStage And His Wife Melissa Don’t Want To Be “Relationship Goals”
Being married or in any type of long-term relationship takes intention and diligence. No one could tell you that better than comedian and social media personality KevOnStage (Kevin Fredericks) and his wife and partner Melissa.
You may have come across Kevin from one of his many hilarious videos where he’s breaking down the latest in pop culture and the social media zeitgeist. But now he and his wife have expanded on the topics they covered on their podcast The Love Hour in their recent New York Times best-selling book Marriage Be Hard: 12 Conversations to Keep You Laughing, Loving, and Learning with Your Partner.
In the book, the couple, who met and fell in love while they were in high school, put their favorite anecdotes and advice all in one place. xoNecole caught up with Kevin and Melissa to talk about writing the book, their relationship, and what it takes to make a long-term relationship work.
xoNecole: What inspired you all to write the book?
Kevin: I think, for me, I love social media and all of that, but I think a lot of times relationships get “relationship goalsy,” and people tend to not highlight what a practical, real relationship means. People were always calling us “relationship goals,” and I was like, ”Y'all need to understand…” For example, we did The Love Hour: Real Comedians Tour, and there were some times that, before we went on stage, we would have just gotten into an argument and we would have to go out and perform. And I think we just wanted to kind of pull the curtain back, I guess, and give people, or let people know, like, don't, don't idolize us in that sense because we are going through it just like anybody else is going through it, and here's how we're getting through it. As opposed to, “our marriage is so perfect all the time, this is so great, we're on vacation, never get in arguments. We never argue. We've been together since we were high school sweethearts and haven't had a problem the whole time.” We want to give people a real life look through how you stay together for 20 years and what tips and tricks and being required to get here.
xoNecole: When Kevin first decided to leave his nine-to-five to pursue comedy, how did that impact your marriage and how did y'all get through that?
Melissa: I think that when Kev left his nine- to- five – and I would even go back to even when we decided to move to California – all of that had an impact I don't think we realize until a few years later. So, I would say that is something that we’re still kind of working through and I would say that the biggest way to overcome that has been therapy. We’ve done what’s called the emotional focus therapy.
Emotionally focused therapy is really, really great because…since we’ve been in the love and relationship space and I’ve read a lot of books and listened to a lot of podcasts, you can intellectualize things a lot [rather than letting your response] sit in your feelings. So, one of the things our therapist specifically [says] is “don’t focus on ‘I think,’ like those kinds of phrases, because you’re all up here in your mind. Instead go down in your heart and what is this making you feel? What are the impact of your words in terms of your feelings? And I just find that super, super beneficial for us. So, I would say that’s one of the ways we’re overcoming the unintended consequences from years ago.
Kevin: I think Melissa answered that one tremendously. This success has required sacrifice, I think is the easiest way to put it. I think too, we're, you know, doing well financially and able to help a lot of people, but it didn't come without some wounds and scars that kind of were really put on display by the pandemic. Like, we really had to confront them starting in 2020. I think we've been doing that kind of therapy work since then, off and on, but more consistently over the last six months to a year.
There were well-intentioned things that each of us did that the other person didn't necessarily take as well-intentioned as they were meant to be. And I think not understanding each other's motivation led to some resentment that we are now figuring out how that got there and how to not go down that path again and how to kind of heal some of those wounds.
xoNecole: And what were some of the sacrifices you made Kevin?
Courtesy of Kevin and Melissa Fredericks
Kevin: I honestly feel like I made many sacrifices. I feel like Melissa made a lot of sacrifices that allowed me to succeed. I always think about the gymnast that’s learning, that’s practicing. They have this safety net or they have like the foam pit and they can go as high as they want and they know that they won’t get hurt in the process and then the world actually sees them at the performance. And I think that’s how Melissa has been to me. She’s been that safety net. Her holding down a full-time job when I got fired [from my bank job] allowed us to cover the bills, and allowed me to even do stand-up comedy and content. And for the longest, she was the safety net of consistent income, healthcare, all that type of stuff and that allowed me to chase those dreams.
xoNecole: What did you learn while writing that was a surprise to you about your relationship?
Kevin: I don’t do a good job at reflecting. I never do that. With anything – good or bad. And I think the book requires you to go back to the very genesis of our relationship even prior to marriage, years one through three, year five, prior to LA. People only know us from the last seven, eight years with the eruption of [my social media content] KevOnStage, since we moved to LA. But we were in Washington, DC 13 years prior to that, from 16 to 29. So that’s a bigger part of our relationship and we are always in the present looking forward as opposed to looking backward and when you write that book, you go back and relieve those things that at the time they were happening that’s all you can think of. But the combination of the book and therapy was like a one-two punch because our therapist was requiring the same thing of us.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
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From Love & Basketball to The Woman King, The Evolution of Gina Prince-Bythewood
Of all the joys that came from my recent viewing of The Woman King in theaters, my favorite was simply watching another one of Gina Prince Bythewood’s visions brought to life. Since 2000 when she came on to the scene with her sports romantic drama Love and Basketball, Bythewood has built a diverse filmography that centers Black women.
xoNecole is here to take you through Bythewood’s films over the years and how the filmmaker continues to hold it down for Black women on screen.
Love & Basketball (2000)
In her cult classic feature film directorial debut Love and Basketball, Bythewood gave the world a love story about childhood sweethearts Monica (Sanaa Lathan in her breakout role) and Quincy (Omar Epps) who bond over their love for basketball and each other. Bythewood said this of the film in a 2020 interview with The Hollywood Reporter:
The kernel of the idea was that I wanted to make a Black When Harry Met Sally. I love that film, and there was a dearth or nonexistence of love stories made with Black characters. It was something that I wanted to see reflected; I wanted to see myself reflected. I also wanted to tell a story that put into the world that women could have both — love and career.
The Secret Life of Bees (2008)
Nearly a decade after her directorial debut, Bythewood was back with The Secret Life of Bees, an adaptation of the book of the same name. Starring Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Hudson and Dakota Fanning as Lily, the film tells a familial love story about the sweetness of chosen family and rebuilding your life after trauma. In talking about why she decided to direct the film she said this to The Los Angeles Times:
The main protagonist] Lily’s journey was so similar to something I went through. I was adopted by a Salvadoran mother and a white father, and growing up I had a lot of issues about who was my real mother, why was I given up. [In the book, when Lily says she’s unlovable,] That was the moment where I said, ‘I have to make this film,’ because I said those exact words myself.
Beyond the Lights (2014)
In Beyond the Lights, Bythewood brings to the screen Noni, a biracial singer portrayed by Gugu Mbatha Raw, as she tries to break free from the pressure of fame and an overbearing stage mom Macy. It isn’t until crossing paths with Officer Kaz who saves her during a mental health crisis that she sees a path to a world beyond the glitz and glitter of the music industry. It’s loosely based on Bythewood’s life after reconnecting with her biological mother didn’t yield the results she was hoping. Bythewood said of her biological mom in an interview with Collider:
If this woman had ended up raising me, I would have grown up in a home that didn’t have unconditional love and how damaging that could be because it should be the right of every child. I wanted to deal with that [in Beyond the Lights], and that was really the catalyst for the Macy-Noni relationship of a girl who’s growing up and a woman who’s trying to find her own self-worth in her daughter and how damaging that can be, but also using her love as a carrot, at times, as well, to push her daughter into the direction that she wants.
The Old Guard (2020)
The Old Guard starring Kiki Layne and Charlize Theron was the beginning of Bythewood expanding her talents from quieter dramas, to the world of action. Old Guard centers on a group of immortal soldiers who fight to protect themselves when they realize someone is threatening to expose their secrets. In an interview with Thrillist she said:
I had been actively pushing my career in this direction because I love action films and I wanted the opportunity to do one myself," she tells me. "Hollywood did not seem as eager to have that happen for women until Patty Jenkins, and all praise to Patty who just killed it with Wonder Woman and absolutely cracked the door open.
The Woman King (2022)
The Woman King feels like a culmination of all the things Bythewood has been building over her career: The maternal conflict of Beyond the Lights; The love of a found family of The Secret Life of Bees; The romance from Love & Basketball; The action and fight scenes of the Old Guard. All this mixed together brings to life the Agojie, the women warriors of the Dahomey tribe who reckon with their role as slavers and harness their collective power to free the oppressed tribes from their captors. In a Rolling Stone interview, star and producer of the film Viola Davis recounted that Bythewood gave an impassioned pitch where the director ended up breaking down in tears because of her strong connection to the material. “Everyone in the room knew she was the one to direct The Woman King, because she was going to protect and honor it the same way she would her own story,” Davis said.
Bags Secured: How Tia Mowry Continues To Make Money Moves Outside Of Acting
After 25 + years in the entertainment industry, Tia Mowry has remained a mainstay in many of our lives. Tia and her twin sister Tamera garnered fame after starring in their own TV series Sister, Sister, which premiered in 1994 and since then we have seen them venture into solo endeavors. Tia, specifically, went on to act in the film Baggage Claim, Netflix’s series Family Reunion, and who can forget her role as Melanie Barnett in The Game?
The mother of two also teamed up with Tamera for projects such as Seventeen Again, Twitches one, and two, and their reality series Tia & Tamera.
But while Tia is known as an actress, she has used that fame as a way to lean into other endeavors and reinvent herself in the industry.
Here are five ways Tia has diversified herself outside of acting.
Tia launched her YouTube show Tia Mowry’s Quick Fix where she shares self-care practices and story time. However, it’s her cooking videos that really get the people going. The 44-year-old often posts videos of herself cooking for her family and sometimes she is joined by her husband Cory Hardrict and/ or her kids Cairo and Cree. Her YouTube channel is so successful that she almost has one million subscribers.
If you’re not following Tia on social media then you are missing out. The actress’ Instagram Reels and TikToks are some of the best content out there. The Family Reunion star’s social media gives fans a look at her bubbly personality as she shares funny moments with her family, fashion and beauty looks, dancing, relatable mom commentary and so much more.
The former child actress has written over three books and co-wrote the Twintution series with her sister Tamera. She has written two cookbooks, one in 2017, called Whole New You, and the second in 2021 named The Quick Fix Kitchen.
Sister, Sister star got into the wellness game by co-founding the vitamin and supplement line Anser. Tia has consistently spoken out about her health issues such as being diagnosed with endometriosis and has decided to venture into wellness after discovering how to heal herself. In an interview with Instyle, Tia talked about the importance of health. "We have been taught to be in that state of mind of survival," she said.
"But not only have we been taught, we've been forced — let's be real. [However,] a part of survival, in my opinion, is taking care of yourself. A part of being your best, being equipped to tackle your circumstances, is filling up your own cup. It's important for you to look at yourself as valuable — you have to take care of yourself."
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Featured image by Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for The Hollywood Reporter
5 Ways To Keep It Together On A Stressful Work Day
Stress is a common part of living, especially when it comes to work. For women, the impact can be felt even more due to workplace issues including unequal pay, gender discrimination, and race-related aggressions. In fact, research shows that professional women experience more stress than men, with a 46% prevalence for those employed full-time (versus 42% for men).
Many toxic factors in the workplace are part of systemic problems that require address and resolution. On the other hand, some stressors are simply part of the job and are a normal occurrence, especially for certain occupations. Thus, finding ways to manage stress is super-important for all the women who are bossing up, who love what they do, and who want to continue thriving in their careers. There are meetings to lead, deals to close, and people to serve.
For those days when having a meltdown and saying 'To hell with this job,' is not an option, here are five quick steps you can take to keep it together when work is trying your nerves and pushing you to the limit:
1. Get into breathwork.
Practicing methods like breathing retention can do wonders for coping with stress. (And this goes beyond just taking a few deep breaths). Sitting for a 10- to 15-minute session of deliberate action to control your breathing, center your thoughts and relax your jaw, shoulder, and back, has been found to help release feelings of stress and take control of your body.
Stress can trigger physical and mental reactions like decreases in energy, diarrhea or constipation, forgetfulness, and headaches, and nobody has time for that when trying to ace a presentation or practice healthy management habits. You can take a quick break, right in your office, find a quiet spot near your job, or even use your car for that impromptu breathwork session, allowing time and space for refreshing your mind, body, and spirit.
2. Journal about your stress triggers.
Yes, while at work. Writing down exactly what's triggering you or simply getting your thoughts out of your head can provide just the relief you need to get to the end of the day without going off of somebody or mentally detaching yourself. You surely don't want to do this on your company-owned computer, nor do you want to have sticky notes thrown around your office with your personal thoughts and triggers listed on them, but you can definitely use that Notes or journal app on your phone to type out a few thoughts or keep a mini book in your purse or car for purging.
With "expressive writing intervention," (i.e. journaling), you can improve your mood and see long-term positive results related to anxiety and stress. Don't know where to start or find journaling overwhelming? Try prompts that will help guide you in formulating your thoughts, facilitating calm, and redirecting your focus.
3. Take a fitness break.
Doing some sort of physical activity can also be the perfect release you need for shaking off stress during your work day. If you can take a whole 30-minute break (in addition to your usual lunch break, which you should be taking regardless of your work schedule or responsibilities), use the time for some HIIT, boxing, yoga, running, or walking. For options that are a bit more low-key or cubicle-friendly, try low-impact exercises such as seated jacks or side skaters or movements like tricep stretches that can relieve back and neck pain associated with stress.
Find a great podcast, audiobook, or playlist to listen to while doing this, put a timer on, and allow yourself some time for activity that will increase endorphins (which are behind positive emotions and feelings).
4. Incorporate play into your day.
If you're not into actual workouts in the middle of a work day, try something fun that gets you away from your desk and into some sort of activity that makes your heart sing and allows you to, again, refocus your efforts in order to manage stress. A dance break, playing a game outdoors (i.e. solo basketball, soccer, or tennis), or incorporating fun games in your office decor (like a mini golf game or adult hopscotch).
5. Spark a discussion with your trusted mentor, HR professional, team, or colleague in a solutions-focused way.
While confiding in a coworker, HR professional, or manager can have its pros and cons and can seem intimidating, talking about what's stressing you out in a way that prioritizes solutions and open dialogue can help you find solutions or at least a way to cope. This is most fitting when the source of stress involves the completion of a project, troubleshooting how to tackle a major work-related issue, addressing a difficult interaction with a team member, learning a new system or skill, or breaking through communication barriers.
When appropriate (and within your company's rules about fraternizing, hours, and interactions), invite a mentor or colleague to coffee, lunch, or dinner. If you're a manager, schedule a meeting with your team or host one-on-ones to focus not on venting, disciplining, or complaining, but on personal engagement. It's a good idea to ask open-ended questions like "How would you approach this issue?" "How can we make a process more efficient?" "What resources do we need to work smart, not hard?" versus "This is stressing me out," "Quiet Quitter Kelly is getting on my nerves" or "You're not doing your part."
Oftentimes, there's a way to eliminate stress related to certain aspects of a job simply by having honest and inclusive conversations, acting on recommendations, shifting processes, tracking results, and recognizing the ways in which workplace practices, habits, and culture might be adding unnecessary stress and confusion to everyday workday tasks.
Trying these five steps can ensure you are your best self, you're able to empower others, and that you can sustain a long and healthy career full of fulfillment and legacy.
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