Apple offering free weapon to scare away Bono
Police departments in cities all across the country are being overwhelmed by calls about the Irish rock legend showing up uninvited in homes. Admitting it was a mistake to let Bono into the homes of 500 million iTunes users, Apple says it is giving customers a small wooden club that can be used to scare away the U2 frontman. âIn all honesty, we thought people would like having the biggest music legend of all time creep up from behind their sofas to perform songs from the hot new album âSongs of Innocence,ââ said Apple CEO Tim Cook. âWho doesnât love U2âs mind-blowing rock, and Bonoâs brash showmanship and hip, politically-charged lyrics.â âHe perfectly matches the ethos here at Apple, where we have a take-no-prisoners approach to creating innovative products that please everyone.â The decision to send the 18-inch club to any iTunes users who requests one was a swift response to the flood of complaints from consumers who were startled in the middle of the night to find Bono picking through leftover food, or sitting on their toilets reading the latest issue of âField & Stream.â One woman from Indiana nearly killed Bono when she fired a .357 Magnum at the singer after discovering him using her basement computer. Even as he ran out the door, she says, Bono kept insisting his sudden appearance in her home was perfectly legal. âHe was trying to dash off though my backyard, but because Iâd grazed his leg, he was limping pretty badly,â said the victim, who asked not to be named. âAnd he had this really sad, hurt expression as he turned to me and shouted, âItâs in the Apple user agreement, I swear!ââ âIâm going to see if I can sell the wooden fence slats on eBay,â she added. âTheyâre covered in his blood.â Apple is reassuring all iTunes customers that in the future, the company will ask permission before sending Bono or any other musician in their homes. âWe really respect our the privacy of our customers, and weâre confident that by waving the free plastic billy club at Bono and saying something like âget out, now,â heâll apologize and promptly make an exit,â Cook said. âHeâs not a threat. Heâs not dangerous. He wanted to share his music, thatâs all.â