Earth landing âtotally fakedâ, claim Martian conspiracy theorists
Scientists on Mars faced fresh allegations last night that video footage of the famous 1985 Earth landing â in which astronauts from the red planet landed their flying saucer next to a service station in the US desert, stuck a probe up the rectum of the petrol pump attendant âfor important scientific reasonsâ and flew off again â was, in fact, filmed entirely in a studio somewhere near Canal 67. âDude, the detail is all wrongâ, said a sceptic not wishing to be named. âJust look at the Coke tin on the ground next to the diesel pump in the third shot. If you zoom in twenty times the can clearly says âNew Cokeâ. We didnât start shipping that shit to the apemen until April 1985, but the landing took place in March. Explain that if you can.â Xeil Blarmstronx, the first Martian to step monopod on the Earth, refused to comment having remained famously tight-lipped about the mission since uttering the immortal words âThatâs one small slime trail for a Martian, one giant slime trail for Martiankindâ on finally slithering off the landing ramp. Landing-deniers are questioning the veracity of the rectal probe experiment as well. âSee that ass?â said the spokesman, using his tongue to press pause on the DVD remote control. âFrom a distance it looks pretty human, donât it? But get close up, and whatâ s that poking out of the middle of the crack in the dungarees? Yep, a pair of antennae. I reckon thatâs just one of our spaceforce sergeants in a humanoid flesh suitâ. Zubb Ralxin, the second Martian after Blarmstonx to feel and taste the air of an alien planet, was quick to dismiss the rumours of fakery. âThe Coke can just had a bit of sand on it, not the word âNewâ,â he said. âAnd as for the extraordinary shape and size of the human backside â well, all I can say is âI was thereâ. I saw it with my own knees.â Scientists acknowledge that the only way to quash doubts about their ability to make it to Earth and back is to return home from the next voyage with a live specimen from the green and blue world. âBut we wouldnât want to inconvenience a human,â said a Martian cosmonaut. âSo weâll make sure whoever we pick up has no family or work commitments, and for that reason our latest spacecraft have special scanners to detect middle-aged males leaving bars near trailer parks late at night. And, apart from experiencing the odd flashback of their time with us, they wonât remember a thing.â