Ahmadinejad Blames Jews For Erectile Dysfunction
Iran's President Mahmoud AhmadinejadÂ blamed Jews today for the "globalÂ scourgeÂ of erectile dysfunction." In a speech broadcast on state television, the Islamic firebrand claimed an international Jewish cabal is provoking male impotence though chemicals in bottled water and then making billions by treating the syndrome withÂ pharmaceuticalÂ drugs like Viagra. In the middle of one of his more typical rants againstÂ Israel, the United States, and global Zionism, AhmadinejadÂ unveiledÂ his latestÂ conspiracyÂ theory. "One of the mostÂ insidiousÂ new methods of global ZionistÂ oppressionÂ is the effort to sap the life-forces of non-Jews around the world," he thundered. "According to my closestÂ advisers,Â almost 95 percent of Iranian men now have difficulty achieving andÂ maintainingÂ an erection. I have to admit that on very rareÂ occasions, I have had such trouble myself, despite my legendaryÂ virility. "Clearly we see the work of the Zionists in this situation. Why else would good Muslim and Christian men everywhere be suffering thisÂ embarrassingÂ lack of manly function?" Ahmadinejad then detailed how he believes Jews have created this epidemic ofÂ male impotence. "Jewish interests have taken financial control of all the bottled water companies in the world," he explained. "They have used the dominance to slip chemicals into our bloodstreams, which destroy our ability to become erect. "Very attractive, sexually vibrant men haveÂ unwittinglyÂ becomeÂ victimsÂ of thisÂ humiliating condition.Â But the Jew is not content to humiliate his enemies. He must bankrupt them too. And so they have created a cure for this induced disease - drugs such as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. "Hard working men all over the world are spending billions on such cures just to keep themselves sexually viable. Many are facing complete financial ruin. "And who sells these drugs? Just look at these pharmaceutical companies: Pfizer, Merck, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Glaxo SmithÂ KlineÂ - these are all Jewish names! "We must unite to fight thisÂ conspiracy,Â beginningÂ with a complete ban on bottled water in our country and a lawsuit seeking compensation for all the money Iranian men have spent on these terribly expensive erection pills." Ahmadinejad has been president of Iran since 2005. He is known for hisÂ staunchlyÂ anti-Jewish views.Â PoliticalÂ observersÂ in Tehran expect a ban on bottled water to be enacted within weeks.