John Terry to test drive lab-grown vaginas
Former England captain and occasional racist John Terry has claimed he should have âfirst goâ on pioneering synthetic minges, it has emerged. The vaginas, which originate from stem cells, have been implanted into a âcontrol groupâ of four US women who have little or no knowledge of the English Premier League. Terry, meanwhile, has promised each of the women a tour of Chelseaâs training facilities followed by dinner at a âclassyâ West End restaurant. Initial studies have been positive with normal levels of lubrication and arousal reported when the subjects listened to Barry Whiteâs âCanât Get Enoughâ. However the Chelsea talisman was initially reluctant to take part in the first bouts of coitus after discovering that none of the women were in an existing relationship. A pilot study has already taken place, although Terry was later reprimanded after bringing three team-mates and a camcorder into the laboratory. Vagina recipient Many Winters said, âJohn was the perfect gentleman, if a perfect gentleman is defined as someone who frequently resorts to coarse and abusive language in order to maintain an erection.â A second recipient, Simone Williams, has since received treatment for PTSD after a five-second exposure to Terryâs âhappy faceâ. Dr Anthony Atala, director of the Institute for Regenerative Medicine told us,Â âAll appears to be well with our initial tests, though results indicate that John has given these vaginas quite a hammering.â âThe only real trouble weâve had is telling the cunts apart.â