Non-celebrities to disappear âwithin decadeâ
The worldâs supply of non-celebrities will be exhausted within the next ten years unless drastic action is taken, according to reports this morning.  The report, published by the Media Studies department of a respected London college, claims that celebrities are being created at such an alarming rate that they will eventually engulf the planet. Project leader, Tristan Smythe-Jenkins, is convinced that the tipping point is just around the corner. âIn the old days,â he told reporters, âonly a small number of celebrity vehicles existed. Programmes like âNew Facesâ produced some noxious by-products, like Barrymore and the Chuckle Brothers, but the majority of participants quickly returned to their original state of anonymity.â âThese days, although the celebrities produced are of an even lower grade than before, TV and the Internet have so created so many ways to present their dross that they never truly disappear.â âWe call it the âGreen Room Effectâ, whereby they just hang around until someone pays them attention.â âMeanwhile, an endless stream of reality shows releases new celebrities into the airwaves every single day, depleting resources of unknown people even further â to the point weâre talking âendangeredâ.â âThe irony is that if we tried to protect the non-celebrities, maybe in a zoo of some kind, weâd inadvertently make them famous. There is no escaping the inevitability of it all.â But it isnât only the number of vehicles thatâs causing the problem, with Smythe-Jenkins also concerned about the ease with which a total nobody can become famous. âIt used to be incredibly difficult to acquire celebrity status, but not anymore.â âTake this yearâs âCelebrity Big Brotherâ for example. The bar has been lowered so much that qualification is possible just by knowing someone who has been on TV.â âBefore long, simply being caught on a Dixons security camera will be enough to secure a series on ITV2.â âOn top of everything else, developing countries are demanding the same cheap and dirty entertainment as the West.â âEven though they number in the billions, without any regulation theyâll burn through their supply of non-celebrities in just a few seasons of âChinaâs Got Talentâ.â âAnd by then itâll be too late.â