Man Sues Government For Right To Marry Dolphin
Â Malcolm Brenner, the controversial subject of a documentary detailing his year-long love affair with a dolphin in the 70s, inspired a SeaWorld trainer to sue the government for the right to marry his new mistress, Sally. Carl Sanders, a SeaWorld trainer for over 20 years, says that Sally is a perfectÂ specimen of Dolphin, the majestic sea creature considered to be the third most intelligent species in the world.âSally is obviously not her real name,â said SandersÂ in a press conference earlier this morning. âShe is known in the dolphin world as Eeeeeee eee eeee ee. Sally is what her human captors called her, as if she wasnât important enough to dignify learning the correct pronunciation and intonation.âReporters asked him why he had a preference for dolphins, what was so special about Sally, and if he thought he could win this thing.âFirstly, dolphins have a really tight and wet orifice,â he responded. âThatâs usually perk number one to any good relationship. Secondly, theyâre smart and witty, are always smiling, and can sing me to sleep. Secondly, Eeeeeeeeee eee eeee ee just has a personality that fits with mine, and sheâs the most attractive specimen Iâve met. I know that all dolphins look the same to you bigots, but I for one can tell the difference.âNaturally, reporters began circling the question that was on everyoneâs mind â whether or not SandersÂ thought he could win in court, and marry âSally.ââDo I think I can win? Stranger things have happened. Why should two lovers not be allowed to wed? Marriage inequality is a throwback to the undemocratic days of America â which already ended over a decade ago.âProfessional homophobe, Rush Limbaugh, gave a long diatribe against SandersÂ on his radio side-project.âI knew this would happen!â he shouted. âWhen they gave the homosexuals the right to marry, I knew it was only a matter of time till they allowed bestiality. Those liberals think they can have sex with anything that has a hole. Soon theyâll be raping water-pipes!âProbable Democrat Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, was overheard saying to Vice-President Joe Biden, âI sort of want it to happen, just so we get to see what their kids look like.â