State of emergency declared after the e-Bono virus hits Britain
An urgent public health warning has today been issued after a dangerous virus that was supposed to be someone elseâs problem arrived on Great Britainâs shores last night, having entered the country via a consignment of infected Apple devices. The virus is said to have already reached epidemic status. The BBC have reacted by broadcasting public service messages giving information on how to delete the âe-Bono virusâ from infected phones and iPods, though nothing can be done about alleviating the early-onset symptoms, which include ear infections, drowsiness, and âranting about Bonoâs wrap-around specsâ. There has already been one fatality reported in the UK, after the driver of a Range Rover was seen frantically stabbing at his iPod before losing control of his vehicle on the M11; the strains of âUnforgettable Fireâ clearly audible. Worse, other drivers caught up in the subsequent gridlock were then tempted to whip out their iPhones and post photos of the interminable tailbacks on social media. Many swiftly succumbed to infection. Other victims, showing later and more fatal symptoms of infection, have been caught wearing black leather trousers, making an issue of any âIrish connectionsâ, and talking in a dreamlike state about âThe Edgeâ. âThese people are often abandoned in the street by their distraught relatives,â an aide worker revealed. âWe donât know how this will end, but at least everyone has stopped banging on about bloody Scotland.â