The Seven Deadly Sins of the Phish Phanatic
âThese six doth the LORD hate: yea, seven an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that devisethÂ wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness speakethÂ lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.â â Proverbs 6:16-19 The words are clear and written in a contrite, understandable language. Sins of this distinction are an abomination to God and as the bible tells us, âye shall be judgedâ and your eternal soul cast into the fiery furnace should your life complete without repentance. This, I say to the fanatic phansÂ of the rock band, The Phish. The PhishÂ is an electronic jazz flavored jambandÂ with discernible funk overtones that creates a spectacular collageÂ of confusing musical measures containing aimless notes at intense volumes. Concert goers at The PhishÂ concerts lose the ability to control their urges when the manic music cascades and âpeaksâ their buzzes. It is well documented by myself and others the nature of these wayward transgressions against Godâs clear-spoken laws governing the body and mind. When at The PhishÂ Phestivals, every applicable commandment of the Lord is rebelled against. A recent study completed by the Wyoming Institute of Technology (link)Â concludes what Iâve known from many years of covering The PhishÂ Tours: Sin is committedÂ at as much as eight times that of a heavy metal concert, sixteen times that of a Steely Dan Concert, over a hundred times that of an Amy Grant Concert, and almost twice that of any juggalo event. From the phansÂ that yank their penises in the light blue port-a-lets to the staggering number ofÂ instances involving drug abuse and sexual permissiveness, The Phish Concert lays claim to the number one spot in violating Godâs Seven Simple Rules. Much more than having a taste for a grilled cheese in the after show shakedÂ down area, a PhanÂ will have no qualms about the over consumption of food and beverage, especially alcohol. Devious scammers line the route to the parking lot with coolers filled with a wide variety ofÂ refreshments and unhealthy food items. The air buzzes with the cries of salesmen as specially made sandwiches, pizza rolls, and pastry products are hawkedÂ at much the same mannerÂ as the temple money changers whom Jesus confronted. With what will be a similar result, these phansÂ will have their tables kicked over as Jesus rousts them out of heaven. Youâll see and hear fistfights throughout the parking lot and inside a The PhishÂ concert. It is inevitable that someone has a bag of dope or that one tape recording of the âhottest showâ of the tour and wonât let it go for under 100 bucks. Tapers record The PhishÂ and later sell massively produced records and compacted discs at later shows for top dollar amounts. A ticket to a show might cost a person $50, but the recording of the show is going to run the phanÂ at least twice that amount. The drums on those unprofessionallyÂ recorded shows will sound like tin cans and the keyboards like kazoosÂ when listening to the output of heavily distorted microphones hung haphazardly by lsdÂ freaked tech wannabees. Whole guitar breaks will be lost during fumbled tape-flips and thereâs always some screaming lunatic destroying the softer passages of the recording with insane howling or screaming, not that any phanÂ actually listens that closely. Also, a phan will covet his ticket like a bum covets a jug of cheap wine. Do you think for one minute your automobile wonât beÂ ransacked the moment you leave it alone in the parking lot at a The PhishÂ show? Donât leave anything of value in your car. Kiss that after show beer and cooler goodbye. While walking in to the festival grounds, do you not see the vagrant type trolls that meander along the path begging for a âmiracleâ or offering up sexual favors for a coveted concert ticket? Check the souvenir booth and youâll find glazed eyed zealots coveting sold out tour posters and cheaply stitched t-shirts. Youâll experience the draw of envy at a The PhishÂ concert because the groupthink is so overwhelming. Your awful lawn seats will cause great apprehension as you watch other phans file into the pavilion. The moshÂ pit at a The PhishÂ concert is enteredÂ at the risk of personal injury or even death. Get too close to the stage or cross in front of one of the deranged druggiesÂ and youâll be lucky to come away with only a black eye, bruises, and possibly a broken limb. Others arenât so lucky. PhansÂ at The PhishÂ concerts brazenly leap and jiggle to the acid rock beats coming at them from the stage. Fists and elbows fly and legs kick out with no regard. On the average, a hundred kids are beatenÂ to the point of hospitalization at the PhishÂ shows because they ventured into the moshÂ pit and got caught up in the senseless violence. Dozens are trampledÂ to death each tour. Police are ready with riot gear at The PhishÂ shows to confront the violence clearly the result of carelessly ingested narcotics. Once spent from the various activities at a The PhishÂ concert, the phanÂ is useless to anyone else around. Drained from the constant twirling and mind violence, the phan is concernedÂ only with selfish rest regardless of time or place. The nearest flop is undertaken with no regard for public ordinance or police presence. The various drugs that phansÂ ingest throughout the day of a the PhishÂ show wear off and cause great sloth and inactivity, much the same as a lion that has just stuffed itself with antelope meat. Consider a The PhishÂ show almostÂ the same, except replace the antelope meat with drugs. It is during this lazy time that even sex is forsaken to gain those needed slothy âZâs.â Youâll probably find one of them resting his bones across your car in the parking lot after the show. The most bewildering deadly sin of the phanaticÂ is that of pride. It is difficult for the casual outsider to comprehend exactly what a phanÂ has to beÂ proud of, but the presence ofÂ pride sin is bountiful at a the phishÂ show. One scratches his head to take in all the sexual degradation, overwhelming drug consumption, and the stench of unwashed hippies, but for some reason, attendance at these decadent events is a badge of honor for these sinners. The most obvious of deadly sins at a the PhishÂ concert is lust. Just as the carnal excesses of Sodom condemned the inhabitants to the fire rainÂ of Godâs revenge, the entire gathering of a the PhishÂ show, having overwhelmingly succumbed to lust and free sex, will suffer the same flaming fate. Iâve documented the overt fornication and wanton promiscuity that occurs at the PhishÂ concerts in my previousÂ exposÃ©s. Every deviant form of lust manifests itself at a the PhishÂ concert. Homosexuality, self rape, prostitution, slavery, cheap feels and oral sex for tickets or drugs is commonplace. Anyone attending a the PhishÂ show can bet with better than even odds that his or her sex organs will be fondled, with or without consent. It is for these seven reasons that the PhishÂ must beÂ expunged from society. Parents that wish for a productive life for their offspring are already well aware that the PhishÂ is not the road to heavenâs glory. I reach out to you parents on the fence. Please, under no circumstance, should you allow your child to attend a the PhishÂ concert. My dear friends in Christ, it is only through your diligence, in addition to your tax-deductible gift ($20 suggested) to my ministry, that you can affect the disgraces that will befall your child should he or she fall under the lure of the Phish. And as for you degenerates that troll my ministry and poo poo my works, your time is near. Can you feel the warmth?