HOPEFUL SPERM CELL WANTS TO TRY IT WITH EGG FROM BEHIND
A sperm cellâs hopeful attempts today to convince an egg they should âtry it from behindâ have so far been rejected by the egg, who called the suggestion pointless, unnatural, and probably not even hygienic.The sperm insists there's nothing wrong with being a little inventive.Pleas that the ovum at least talk dirty to the sperm have also proved fruitless and frustrating, the participants agreed.The spermatozoon and ovum, belonging to husband-and-wife John and Sara Avides, 26, of Baltimore, got into the argument shortly after meeting this morning following the Avidesâ weekly sexual encounter.âAt first everythingâs normal. Heâs using his motility and acrosomal enzymes to penetrate my zona pellucida and get to my oocyte,â said the egg as the now-brooding sperm flagellated nearby. âBut then suddenly he stops and has this look. I say, âWhatâs up?â and he says, âI was jus thinkinââ¦ââWell you know what it means when a sperm says heâs âjus thinkinâ. It means heâs âjus thinkinâ of how he can talk you into something you ainât gonna like.âThe sperm, however, proclaimed his innocence.âSheâs got it got it all wrong,â the sperm insisted. âI just think we should try something different, just this once. I promise Iâll be gentle. I bet sheâll like it.âThe eggâs chilly response made it clear the idea was a non-starter.âI told him, âYouâre a sperm, Iâm an egg, so letâs just do our jobs and get this over with,ââ stated the ovum, who threatened to deactivate her receptors if he persisted. âWhyâs he suddenly want to take me from behind, anyway? I mean, itâs pointless. I donât think I even have a behind, and if I do, it ainât open for his business.âFertility expert Dr. Lauren Sweshtein of the Yale School of Medicine believes societal change on the human level may be to blame.âWith the Internet, men have more access to porn than ever before, and as a result they need more stimulation to maintain excitement,â Dr. Sweshtein explained. âIâm not surprised this has trickled down to the gamete level. After all, a sperm is nothing but a man with a better sense of direction.âBut the egg said she was surprised, particularly when her progenitive suitor repeatedly asked her to âbend ovum and relax.ââI was like, âFor the last time, you can get into my oocyte, but stay away from my no-no-site, comprende?ââ she said. âThen Iâm like, âGive it upâ and heâs like, âYou give it up,â and Iâm like âWhat is wrong with you?â and heâs like, âWhatâs wrong with you?ââAfter a brief and ineffective sulk, the sperm said he abandoned that approach and tried a different tack.âI told her if she wants my glycoproteins, sheâs got to be less procreate and more pr0ncreative,â he explained. âShe could maybe talk dirty to me, or fantasize a bit, call me Coach Johnson or Principle Williams, something like that.âThe egg summarized that proposal in two words: âAwkward and creepy.âAt press time the sperm and egg were still not fertilizing.