Scientist trains teenager to use human speech
Following successful experiments teaching chimpanzees to use sign language, Dr Greg Watts has announced the first examples of human teen speech. âWhat we were all taught in medical school is that the vocal chords go through a maturation process, and that inarticulacy is inevitable during the adolescent phase. Iâve always doubted this theory â MRI scans show no major anatomical changes, and postmortem examination of teenagers tragically killed in accidents, or just twatted by annoyed parents, has confirmed this. âWe then conducted recreational post-mortem examinations on teenagers â technically, this is murder, but I donât think any jury would convict. Same result â no anatomical variations. âWeâve been training a small group of teenagers to use human speech by offering rewards â time on the Xbox, food, a look at a womanâs boobies, puerile humour on DVD â and it turns out they were just lazy. Perfectly capable of speech, they just couldnât be arsed. âWeâve published a series of conversations in Nature. Teenagers are similar to humans in their interests â sex and chips are the main themes. The first teen word we heard was âwhatevsâ, and this turns out to represent 28% of all words uttered by the creatures.â When asked about the impact of the research, Dr Watts told reporters that this was âa year Iâll never get back. Frankly, I got more sense out of the chimps. Turns out itâs possible to converse with teenagers, it just isnât worth doingâ.