Putin picks up Oscar for âBest Invasionâ
Russian leader Vladimir Putin has seen off the competition by staging the best military occupation of a sovereign state since the illegal invasion of Iraq. Putin, who was also nominated in the categories of âBest International Crisisâ and âBest War Film Not Yet Madeâ, wowed punters at last nightâs Oscars ceremony by appearing on the red carpet bare-chested, wrestling a 400lb grizzly bear. Steve McQueen, the British director of 12 Years a Slave, paid tribute to the former KGB agent for âhaving the vision to create this breath-taking invasion and the audacity to make it happenâ. âBy flouting international opinion and annexing Crimea and its shitty regional airport in this way without a single shot being fired, Vladimir Putin has shown us all how itâs done,â McQueen told reporters. The award represents a huge achievement for Putin, who normally silences his critics by having them injected with radioactive isotopes of Polonium. The Russian leader missed out on an Oscar five years ago when his invasion of Georgia was universally panned by critics, who claimed it was âdullâ and âwent on far too longâ. âCrimeaâ, however, was staged on a budget of several billion roubles and managed to see off late challenges from the Taliban and child-murdering education-reformists Boko Haram. Fighting back the tears during his acceptance speech, Putin said: âThis award is not about me. Itâs about the five million ethnic Russians who donât want an EU passport and who have never watched Brokeback Mountain on Blu-Ray.â âStick that in your pipe and smoke it Woody Allen.â Putin also received several major plaudits for film doctoring, sound editing, visual pyrotechnics and âbest scene involving a big fuck-off tankâ. Last night Putin celebrated his historic win by locking himself in his room and bingeing on a massive bag of heroin.