Public warned not to download naked photos of Steven Seagal
Fear has gripped online users who may have, in a furtive attempt to view intimate erotica of Jennifer Lawrence âbefore their family comes homeâ, inadvertently downloaded explicit images of Hollywoodâs favourite martial arts veteran, ironic Buddhist and poster-boy for CuprinolÂ®. Although a sprightly 62, most teenage boys or frustrated husbands would admit that Mr. Seagalâs squinty-eyed leer is not quite the same as a gyrating Kim Kardashian. As the FBI investigates the âiCloudâ celebrity picture leaks, they have taken the unprecedented steps to pixelate out Mr. Seagalâs genitals from raw footage of âUnder Siege 2â. A spokesman said: âWe take the hacking of celebrity accounts very seriously but of greater concern is that we could end up with Steven Seagal doing naked yoga lunges as a screen saverâ. Much of the confusion has been caused by a hyperlink named âbronzed arse on filmâ, which many assumed was a coded reference to a cavorting Miss Lawrence. Instead, once clicked, you are taken to gallery of ânaked Seagalsâ, with all but a 7th-dan black belt to cover his aging âman bitsâ. One browser expressed surprise over the security leak: âJust how many pornographic selfies do celebs own? Thatâs a hell of a lot of photos, if youâve filled your hard drive and you need to start storing the excess on a Cloud. Frankly, thatâs a lot of narcissism, pouting and whipped creamâ. Around twenty celebrities are alleged to have been hacked, but half of all web addresses lead back to Mr. Seagal ââ¦in his birthday suitâ. An agent for the âActor stroke Musicianâ said: âMr. Seagal is raising awareness of environmental issues by appearing stark bollock naked on your PC. You may be expecting to see Mary Elizabeth Winstead and her husband, but youâre much more likely to be concerned about the torture of baby elephants if youâre starring at something resembling a swinging, wrinkled, grey trunkâ.