James Nesbitt to solve Madeleine McCann case âwithin a weekâ
UK police have enlisted tough-guy actor James Nesbitt to help solve the Madeleine McCann case by beating the shit out of all the suspects. Nesbitt became an expert in unsolved child murders while filming ITV series âThe Missingâ in which he gets to duff a lot of people â mainly perverts â up. Nesbitt said, âFirst I had a chat with Maddieâs Dad Gerry McCann. Seemed like a decent guy, so I followed him into the toilets, thrust his head into the wash basin and kicked him repeatedly in the bollocks.â âHe was adamant he had nothing to do with her disappearance so that pretty much rules him out.â âBefore losing consciousness, Gerry mentioned something about a guy called Alonso who runs a tapas bar so I tracked him down to his yacht where he was nervously holding a camcorder.â âTurns out he was once a school caretaker, which is code for nonce, so I bludgeoned him with a fire extinguisher, wrapped him in a main-sail with some breeze blocks and chucked him overboard.â âI shudder to think what was on that camcorder.â âItâs ok â the wife has given me an alibi.â After watching Nesbittâs performance in the ITV drama, thirty former Radio One DJs voluntarily wandered into the Praia de Luz Police station, each declaring that they were there on the night Madeline McCann was abducted. Head of the UK investigation, Simon Williams, said, âWeâd pretty much exhausted all leads and weâre about to search the McCannâs car again â this time with sniffer dogs â when I saw James giving these pervs a work over on ITV.â âIâm convinced weâll have this solved before the weekâs out.â Nesbitt concluded, âViolence and intimidation is the only language these perverts understand.â âWell, that and Portuguese.â