CIA Promises Better Torture Programs in Future
Following recent revelations that the CIA brutally interrogated innocent people, violated laws, mismanaged the program, wasted millions of dollars, failed to get accurate information, and deliberately lied about it, the intelligence agency has pledged to be more transparent about potential torture programs in the future. In an appearance before the Senate intelligence committee this morning, CIA Director John Brennan outlined his plan to restore Americansâ confidence in state-sanctioned torture, should the government ever need it again when fighting terrorism. âI have heard the American peopleâs concerns that we may have gone a teensy weensy, eeny meeny bit too far with our âenhanced interrogation techniquesâ of years past, and that we set a terrible precedent while damaging this countryâs reputation,â he said when questioned on the Senateâs report. âThe CIA willingly ended this enhanced interrogation program in 2009 â though I donât believe there was anything wrong with it because it saved lives â yet my Twitter feed has been blowing up with people calling for our punishment for authorizing, enabling, and covering up this program. âTherefore, I am committed to proving to Americans that the CIA can admit when we need to reform â though Iâm still not saying we did anything wrong â and that in the future we will exercise only the highest standards when it comes to aggressively interrogating people, innocent or not.â Tortured logic As a first step, Brennan said, new standards for âexpert enhanced interrogatorsâ are being implemented, while the use of long-discredited torture methods will be reconsidered. âWe no longer allow interrogators to sexually assault, threaten to murder detainees and their families, force them to stand on their broken bones or shove food and water up their assholes,â Brennan said. âInstead, we will use tried-and-true methods of interrogation such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and occasional sodomy with a broom handle if the situation calls for it. âIâm proud to announce we have already received a flood of interrogator applications from a broad section of freedom-loving patriots, including many American police officers. The issues weâve had with CIA interrogators who are angry, prone to violent behavior and sexually frustrated are long gone.â Regarding sleep deprivation, âSuspects will no longer endure 180 hours of sleep deprivation; instead, it will be a max 170 hours. To put this in perspective, the average American spends 170 hours a week playing âCall of Dutyâ or binge-watching âOrange is the New Blackâ on Netflix. No big deal.â Brennan admitted âwe shouldnât borrow enhanced interrogation techniques from the Chinese military, since we have subsequently learned those techniques arenât actually meant to get truthful information from suspects. Call it a translatorâs error on our part. But weâre constantly innovating better, homegrown enhanced interrogation methods.â Brennan also invited skeptical congressmen and reporters from Rolling Stone, Salon, Mother Jones, NPR and Alternet to spend a few months in the CIAâs dungeons âfor as long as necessaryâ to determine their safety and effectiveness.