Christian Music Review: Umphrey McGeeâs 2,000th Show
My dear friends in Christ, in the days following their undeniable election defeat, Madison, the capital city of Wisconsin, is a confusing place. A bastion of liberalism and socialist thought in Americaâs heartland, Madison today is a hush-toned and self-reflecting place as they scheme their best course to rebuild their leftist monolith. Realizing the unforeseen and unwanted results of the democratic process mandated by areas outside their lib-bubble, the citizens of Madison were forced through the spiral of emotions that the stinging slap of electoral rejection feels on their collective cheeks. And yet, they cling to their failed leftist philosophies, from frustrating bicycle lanes and various campus and civic protest displays to binge drinking and drug consumption at rates that would impress Charlie Sheen. Fuming and in conscientious denial, they watch as elected Republican Politicians invade their gun-free utopia and sit in the governorâs mansion and chambers of the state legislature. Fiscal restraint is to the Madison liberal what kryptonite is to Superman. As with all liberals who have been dealt the slap hand of reality, Madison wishes for distraction and, although tenuous at best, a return to what they consider ânormalcy.â What better way to rekindle the socialist ideal and hatred for Jesus than holding a landmark jamband concert to attract like-minded little stalins to their communist oasis? Last weekend, on November 8, jamband Umphrey McGee played their 2,000th performance at Madisonâs Orpheum Theater. The gates of heathen deliverance were thrown open wide for an inebriated and oversexed drove of jamband aficionados, the kind of crowd that built a city, as Bill OâReilly described, âwhere you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in Madison.â [1] Umphrey McGee is a progressive jamband that launches a three-pronged pitchfork style frontal assault on the senses. They employ a mesh of rage filled guitar based structures at ear splitting volumes with tricky time changes and tempo shifts designed to facilitate the various levels of drug highs being experienced by band and crowd alike. They also use coordinated laser and strobe lights to assault the visual senses of the dissociative attendees. All of this takes place in a carefully manufactured mosh pit hell where drug use and sexual decadence is individually masked by the sheer number of occurrences. The engineers of this continuing jamband experiment are Brendan âSittinâ on the Dock of theâ Bayliss (guitar, vocals), Jake âMortalâ Cinninger (guitar, vocals), Joel âUp andâ Cummins (keyboards, vocals), Andy âSo Near and Yet Soâ Farag (percussion), Kris âOhâ Myers (drums, vocals), and Ryan âShould I leave, or should Iâ Stasik (bass). *Note to Chris Berman, before you consider legal action against me for constructing nicknames of this sort, consider the fact that I was using such tactics in the sixties when I wrote for the Marine Corps Times in Vietnam. While there, I coined such humorous anecdotes as Ho Chi âOf Mice andâ Minh, Henry âPrelude to aâ Kissinger, and Richard âChron-â Nixon. One man attended his 1,348th Umphrey McGee show on that evening, veteran Chicago hipster and smoke shop entrepreneur Melvin âWappyâ Strawberry. A greasy and self-defaced man in his middle ages, Strawberry dropped out of college years ago to waste his life following Umphrey McGee and chasing the jones of a âMiss Tinkleâ finale or âJimmy Stewartâ jam. After the show, I sat down for an interview with this man and attempted to probe his drug clouded and riff resounding mind. Fortunately, he was not too far removed from reality to express a coherent thought. Brother Cassidy Pen: Good evening, Mr. Strawberry. Mr. Melvin Strawberry: Dude. CP: Iâd like to start with a general question and inquire as to what drugs are your current influence. MS: I had a few drinks before the show and smoked a little hash right before the encore. CP: Thatâs quite a number of shows you have seen. MS: I feel left out when I miss a show. When my ex-wife gave birth to my daughter 7 years ago, I didnât make it to the show until set break. My buds said they played a killer âDivisionsâ and a Talking Heads cover. I just said to myself, âNever againâ¦â CP: How do you rate this show compared to the other 1,347? MS: The Umphs are seriously raging, dude, and this this show was an atomic bomb! CP: â¦an âAtomic Bomb?â Are you aware of the ramifications of such rhetoric in a community of expanded intellectualism and deep adherence to political correctness? MS: Huh? CP: Rightâ¦so, I take it youâre 100% in agreement with the Umphrey McGee philosophy of life. MS: Not always. Iâm a human being, dude. I sometimes disagree with the bandâs direction. The other night, they went into a blues groove during âPlungerâ and it petered out at around :37 seconds in, but the band kept it going to give Joel some noodling time. I was yawninâ it, dude, and donât get me wrong, I love Joel, dude. [It] wasnât until 1:54 that Jake initiated a hard rock âtar riff with Eddie Van Halen finger tapping. That sent the whole crowd into a bouncy rage and blew everyoneâs mind. CP: Have you met the band? What do you think of them as actual people? MS: I went to school with them at the [Notre] Dame, dude. They havenât changed a bit. Theyâre all such righteous dudes and theyâre dead spent on honing their chops and continuing to be the best band around. From my Marxist perspective, the UM scene is one of a communal utopia. We all share the bountiful gifts of music, treats, and favors as each individual provides toward the goal of the collective. Everyone is enriched because of it and we all have a rage time at the shows. CP: Thank you for your time, Mr. Strawberry. MS: Yer alright, dude. â¦and there you have it, my dear friends in Christ. Typical of most jambands, Umphrey McGee espouses communist groupthink and is bent on corrupting the minds of our precious youth. Best wishes to all of you all. Please maintain the diligent united front against the red jamband menace that perpetuates our great nation and breaks down the traditional family. Remember that your donation ($20 suggested) greatly assists me in my ministry work, travel and ticket fees while reporting on these sinister jambands.