Director Clint Eastwood Saw Oscar Snub Coming But Shocked That His "Horse Cock of Hoboken" Didn't Sweep The Rodgers
Hollywood, CA - Being snubbed by Hollywood for American Sniper was \"to be expected,\" said center-right director Clint Eastwood, \"but I expected the minds of the Rodger voters would be more open to a patriotic theme.\"  Last night's Rodger's, the Pornographic Film Industry's version of the Academy Awards, featured its share of predictable winners.  As expected, Dustin Hoffman took, yet again, the award for \"Most Subdued Orgasm,\" for his portrait of famous, real-life, British masturbator, Clive Jenkins. Jenkins walked London's burning city streets braving Hitler's bombs and wanking in the midst of the Blitz, as school children and their mothers fled underground.  Hoffman said as he was accepting his second Rodger in as many years, \"stroking it while he walked demanded of Londonite Jenkins not only great coordination but also great courage.\"  Hoffman asked \"where are the Jenkins of today, wanking it? Who among you, here before me, and among those of you at home, would have the courage to wank it in the direction of Luftwaffe bombers as Jenkins did? What if America was one day invaded? Who among us would man up and wank it at the enemy? Who among us would be able to emerge, stumbling, from the rubble of an old milk factory, half-unconscious, with a major concussion, bleeding out of one ear, and still wank it at the Germans as Jenkins did?\" Hoffman won last year for his portrait of an elderly, New York man who came in his pants unnoticed every time someone said \"good day!\" to him as he was feeding pigeons in Central Park.  And there was no surprise at all that Meryl Streep took home the fully erect, \"best actress\", Rodger for her portrait of Clinton White House \"fluff granny,\" Eunice McGoo. The Rodger for best Porno Short, however, has Eastwood in an uproar.  Clint Eastwood's Horse Cock of Hoboken, is a porno about a Nebraska farmer who comes home from his two-week tour of duty during America's invasion of Panama in the early 1990's \"unable to get, let alone sustain, a boner.\"  According to porno critics and fans alike, \"it was clearly the best of this year's crop of porno shorts.\" Millions of online fans gave it \"five boners\" and even New York Times porn critic, Paul Krugman, called it \"shoulder quivering and knee buckling,\" rare praise for a patriotic porno from the far left curmudgeon many think is gay. But, in what looks to many like a typical, Hollywood Porno insider shot in the eye to both Eastwood and the stolid middle class traditional Americans his pornos represent, liberal themed Gerbil Dick Intellectual, took home best porno short instead. \"Gerbil Dick is your typical 'liberal' movie,\" complained Eastwood. \"All about some guy with micro dick who writes free verse poetry by day and screws every coked up Victoria Secret's model in Miami by night, all before realizing that there's more to life than screwing and runs off to Iraq to be a human shield to prop up the Hussein Regime.\" Horse Cock of Hoboken features 12 inch Cockthrob Miles Spurtin, who many thought would take the Rodger for \"Most Accurate Climax.\"  In the movie's closing scene, Rosie Dongstroker, who has brought the Panama Invasion veteran's manhood back to life, asks if Miles thinks he could come all the way over to her roommate's Goldfish bowl across the room. He says \"fuck yeah!\"  Then, after she gives him a little \"encouragement\", Spurtin arcs a rope from the couch; it goes soaring over the kitchen counter, and all the way to the kitchen window, where it drops into the Goldfish bowl.  In the movie's most memorable line, Rosie Dongstroker says, \"You didn't say backboard,\" her jugs sticking out from her unbuttoned \"Meals on Wheels\" uniform. Miles Spurtin (his real name, porn alias, character's name, and the name he uses for his letters to the editor of the Economist) then realizes that the war in Panama did not disable him after all. \"Sure, I lost an arm and have to always wear this dumb eye-patch, but as long as I have this heaving behemoth of an undulating, Tsunami making johnson, everything will be more than all right,\" he says as Rosie Dongstroker's best friend the nurse walks in with a jar of Vaseline before the credits roll down the screen too rapidly to read. The Rodger for \"Most Accurate Ejaculate\" instead went to Blast Strokeman, for his money shot on the Golden Gate Bridge that knocked an Iranian nuclear missile from the sky and into the Pacific Ocean, where it blew to smithereens a few rock full's of Sunbathing Sea Lions. Blast is a hero, not for overcoming Panama Invasion induced impotence, but because he saved San Francisco just before the big gay pride parade, featuring for the first time ever a Mickey Mouse float wearing leather chaps and an S.S. Officer's Cap.  \"When a guy wins Most Accurate Climax for a shot that's really just coffee cream squeezed out of a turkey baster at some lame ass, exploding, bottle rocket, you know you're dealing with serious political bias,\" griped Eastwood. \"If Strokeman had knocked down an Iranian missile over reliably Republican, South Carolina with his giz, you can bet some anti-Jewish group organized by Santa Cruz Professor of something or other Angela Davis, would have organized some kind of boycott of him getting the half mast oscar for 'Most Accurate Climax',\" Eastwood said. Eastwood lives in Carmel, California, where he owns a bar, and says ex-Black Panther and Retired, California State, Employee Angela Davis, routinely threatens to organize boycotts of his bar if he doesn't 'hand over' the door receipts from his open mic ventriloquist nights. \"She's a parasite,\" Eastwood complained. \"Maybe living off the sweat of a ventriloquist's brow is something they do in the former dungeon of East Germany but here, here in America, you do not.\" Eastwood griped also that she gets enough in from \"social security and her California State Pension.\" Eastwood went on to explain that though he directs pornos and has a \"huge dildo collection - in both senses of the word,\" his bar is a \"family values type place\" and he screens all the ventriloquist dolls to make sure none of them are anatomically correct. \"I'm not going to have some Mortimer Snerd with a huge boner asking a table full of little kids what their favorite game at recess is, \"said the center right bar owner. \"That's just not right.\" Angela Davis refused to comment.  A secretary at the University of Santa Cruz, where Davis enjoys a retired professor emeritus stipend, along with her 130% retirement with full benefits, said the Retired Professor of an academic discipline seemingly invented by the University specifically for her, was \"a full fledged flagellant for political liberation\" and was busy at the time \"shouting down Cubans in Miami\" drawing attention to the plight of jailed dissidents against the Castro Regime. Eastwood wryly commented that Davis likes her dictators \"incoherent\" and \"geriatric.\" He complained also that Angela Davis is in the news \"too much around here\" and thinks that, in the end, she really needs to much attention.