âThe only way is Essexâ confirms Farage
âThe people have spoken, and we have heard their voices loud and clear,â said Nigel Farage on the phone after the stunning UKIP victory by Douglas Carswell in the by-election in Clacton on Sea, Essex, before saying; âYeah, see you later, babeâ, hanging up his mobile, downing a couple more pints for courage and planning his next trip to try it on with another easily obtainable bimbo, anywhere else. âIâll really miss you Dougie,â a politically active constituent had said, as her MP considered leaving his party and starting a new relationship with another party who hadnât yet had anything to do wiv that âbrazen Lib Dem slutâ, but she neednât have worried as he did come back, more of a man than ever before. âI ainât gonna change, babe, Iâll just be more like the guy you always wanted me to be. It doesnât matter that youâve been seeing too much of Iqbal from the corner shop, Iâll always be there for ya, yeah?â replied Douglas, the now UKIP MP for Clacton, with the sort of cheeky, sparkly wink in his eye which seems to make the local women work a bit harder and more flirtatiously in the hope of having their problems aired in the house of commons. âThe future of the people of the United Kingdom lies in the hands of the brilliant people of Essex, with their traditional values of wealth creation, self-empowerment, false tits, hair gel and very thick make-up,â said Farage, before admitting off camera that anyone in England who needed to cover their face in paint and was disappointed with the best mammary glands English genes could provide ought to be ashamed of themselves and leave right now. Farage is now honing his accent for the challenge of a saucy UKIP campaign in the north of England, where he hopes seductive talk about pies may âpay outâ. Itâs a challenge he feels willing to undertake despite the possibility of leaving many broken hearts and a few unpaid bar tabs in his wake. But political commentators are certain that politics will never be the same again and are sitting at the end of their phones lines, idolising, waiting, after Nigel told them; âLove you, bit busy right now so donât call me, yeah? Iâll call you later.â After he was certain the phone line had gone dead, Farage turned to his new bezzie mate Dougie. They caught each otherâs eye, laughed out loud, calmed down, sighed and simultaneously muttered: âSuckers!â