Obama Gives Evolution Explanation
Under fire for asking Republicans scientific questions but giving Democrats a pass, reporters swarmed President Obama as he and the First Lady were leaving a fashionable Georgetown restaurant and demanded he explain to them the theory of evolution. "Back in the stone ages," Obama said, "monkeys and neanderthals had sex, along with other primates - like Gorillas - and, through random mutation, one monkey sperm impregnated a neanderthal egg and they had a very smart baby." Obama went on to say that the baby was "the first human" and manipulated all the other primates into having intercourse with him.  Again, thanks to a random mutation, one of the primates he had intercourse with got pregnant. "And that was the second human," Obama said. Obama then explained that the two of them mated and had a huge brood of "mostly defective children." "They went out and had their share of sex with each other and other primates and eventually there were more mutations and it just kept going on and on like that until Ancient Greece, you know, up there in Athens." Obama said that, by that point, all kinds of random primate mutations led to "prototype human creatures" being born from gorilla and spider monkey couplings. "By the time the Middle Ages came around," Obama said, "all these prototypical humans started mating with each other." Asked why the sudden change from mating mostly with relatives and all kinds of other primates, Obama said it was due mostly to "Papal Bulls and other Church strictures." "The Pope banned mating with other primate species and frowned on doing it with your closest relatives too." Out of the stew of prototype human matings came the first real homo sapiens. Obama said they showed up "sometimes near the Renaissance." Obama then said that Renaissance Artists brainwashed people into "lusting only after the human form" which reinforced papal injunctions against intercourse with other primates. "Thanks to the invention of the plow and indoor heating," Obama said, "agricultural production increased and with it life expectancy and there was an overall rise in human health that made nubile young women more fertile and comely." Obama went on to say there was a massive "uptick" in "sexual desire" and the labor saving propensity of the "plow" gave people more free time in which to "make love." "Sheepskin condoms were a long ways off, so each coupling led to pregnancy and the human population boomed to massive proportions." Formal prohibitions against having sexual relationships with other primate species became less and less necessary, not so much due to any change in humans, but a sudden mutation in all other primate species that made them resist "untoward, human advances." Asked where that sudden primate mutation came from, Obama said it was "caused by an asteroid." Obama explained that those humans with genomes that "couldn't help but lust after monkeys" were weeded out of the population as monkeys came to have the strength of, at first, two, then three, and before we knew it ten men.  The monkeys and other primates, now super strong, were able to "more effectively beat off unseemly human advances," an important development that allowed them to "preserve their honor." "Over time, other primates evolved to kill any human who attempted sex with it, so those who tried were killed, and that more or less brings us to where we are today," Obama said. "A species that, compared to our Medieval ancestors at least, sticks mostly with its own."  He went on to say most of what he he knows he learns from reading anthropology journals and countless, late night talks with Joe Biden. "What he knows about evolution could fit into a whole library shelf," Obama said. He said that sometimes Koala Bears attempt having sex with kangaroos because their both marsupials but said this only takes place "in zoos."  "You'll sometimes see a dog try impregnating a human leg, but that's limited mostly to really short, neurotic, inbred ones," the President said. Obama told reports that he bet they didn't know that a sloth can take up to 14 days to get an erection. "That's why there are so few of them and so many of us," he said. He went on to say that ants got the quickest erections. "That's why there are swarms of them all over the place," he said. "They're more or less taking over." He said that all Americans should arm themselves with WD-40 and lighters and keep them with them at all times so they're always read to "burn every ant hill they ever see."  "More people are under threat from ever expanding ant populations than they are from ISIS," the President said. Obama said daily he is briefed that some ants can actually fly. "It keeps me up night," the President said.