Amputee Plans To Crush A Whole Crapload Of Stuff With His New Bionic Hand
It all started out as a pretty normal story. Â Small town kid who lost his hand in a farming accident gets a new bionic hand and everyone lives happily ever after. Â That sort of stuff happens all the time. Â But what 14 year old Jacob Littlefield discovered is far from what can be described as common. Jacob visited with some friends on Friday night where they all get together and play Jenga. Â What ensued next was the dream that every young boy imagines. âIt all started out like a normal Friday night,â starts Jacob. Â âThe one thing I can tell you about this new bionic hand is that no non-bionic handed person can beat me at Jenga. Â Itâs pretty cool. Â My hand is so steady now that no one can match me. Â Iâve also got a few bionic tricks that I canât divulge. Â But they pretty much make me invincible.â Â As if that wasnât enough already, Jacob soon found out that he has the strength to match some of the weaker superheroes like Zan and Jayna (The Wonder Twins) and Aqualad (Aquamanâs sidekick who is slightly less powerful than an already weak Aquaman). âYeah, I canât fly or spin the Earth backwards or anything like that,â continues Jacob. Â But I can crush the shit out of stuff. Â Some of my friends got bored from losing to me at Jenga and went over to the pool table. Â The cue ball came flying across the room and I grabbed it with my bionic hand. Â I smashed that thing into powdery smithereens. Â  Right in my hand! Â My friends were just as amazed as I was. Â Before I knew it, we were out walking the streets looking for stuff to pulverize. Â I crumpled the doorknob as we left my friendâs house. Â We walked a few more blocks and I was able to topple a stop sign just by squeezing the pole. Â A car stopped to see what mischief we were up to. Â I walked up to them with my arms out like a zombie and plunged my hand right through their windshield. Â Those old fuckers sped off crying like little babies. Â What a great night.â Jacob and his friends were stopped at 3am on Saturday morning by a squad of police officers. Â The boys were drunk with power by this time and one of his friends told Jacob to pop the head off of the police officer with his âbionicismic powers.â Â The officers pulled their guns and one fired a warning shot which sobered up the group quickly. Â All the boys were released to their parents with an assignment of fines and charity work. Â Jacob is in a chain mail reinforced straightjacket at a local mental institution hanging upside down from his ankles so he cannot move his powerful hand to touch anything. Â Community leaders are meeting to decide whether or not they should permanently remove Jacobâs bionic hand. Â Citizens are pretty evenly split on the matter. Â Some feel that Jacob could become an actual superhero with some additional time and practice, but not one of the good ones but rather one of the evil ones. Â Other folks believe that if Jacob loses his love of crushing things that he may lose the will to live. Â A neighborhood vote will take place this coming Wednesday.