Facebook offers fully automated profiles for morons
Facebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetimeâs worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles. The company has developed the technology after realising that most usersâ status updates read like a stream of thought from a person leading a highly uneventful life.  âIf you pick a Facebook profile at random youâll notice that it is either a load of stupefying banalities or outright lies. This is because most people have really dull lives and/or they are too dreary to say anything interesting anyway,â a spokesman for the office of Mark Zuckerberg explained. âSo we thought most people would see no difference between their mates posting the same old crap and a computer doing it on their behalf.â With the new service, when a user sets up their profile, they will be given the opportunity to select from a list of standard status updates, including âCanât believe I have to get up at 5 a.m. for my ski trip!â, âStuffed my face in Nandoâs last nightâ, âGrandma/cousin/friend died last night, always my inspiration, always my lightâ, âCanât believe itâs a year since Grandma/cousin/friend died. Always my heroâ and âJust when youâre ready to love again someone comes along and breaks your heartâ. If the default option âWhateverâ is selected, Facebook will then post these statuses automatically at random intervals to a userâs timeline throughout their lifetime. There will also be the option to upload a picture of yourself which Facebook will automatically Photoshop into groups of good-looking young people having fun. In theory, once an account is set up, it need never be accessed again. Facebook stressed that full details of what the offer involves are available on page 648 of the privacy waiver which customers can accept by flushing a toilet, or clicking on the unsolicited advert in your news feed. This sits beneath a picture link of a scantily clad woman, rolling in bank notes, which reads: âJenny surrendered all of her private information, you wonât BELIEVE what happened nextâ¦â Dracula, hat tip to Iroquois Pliskin