Facebook to create new âworkplace networkâ for twats
Facebook is to introduce a new workplace network for people who are âin businessâ. âWeâre largely expecting to attract twats,â explained a Facebook spokesperson. âItâs a social network specially designed for people who still think blackberries are brilliant and who overuse the word âparadigmâ.â People âin businessâ seemed in favour of the idea. âIâm sick of looking at funny videos and pictures of babies,â said businessman Simon Williams. âI want a Facebook that I can do serious business shit on. I made a pie-chart yesterday that was so brilliant it gave me an erection, and I want to share that with people.â âThe pie-chart, not the erection.â Facebook plan to create a repository of nineties clip-art and Far-side cartoons for people to use in presentations, and the new network would also automatically reject any uploaded photos showing its users smiling to avoid mistakenly giving the impression theyâre not serious about âbusinessâ. âIâm a high-functioning sociopath,â said businesswoman, Alex Taylor of Sussex. âSo this is exactly the sort of social network I need to show off my complicated spreadsheets that proved we need to sack the cleaners.â However, people not âin businessâ were less excited. âHavenât these twats already got LinkedIn?â said Mark Hammond of Reading. âI mean, thatâs already full of idiots talking about Mission statements and âgrowing their business,â this is just something else I need to avoid.â