Microsoft deny making âpanic decisionsâ at launch of tongue-controlled Windows 9
Microsoft has admitted that Windows 8 caused a 25% drop in sales, but denied that âpanicâ had influenced their decision to hurriedly launch a new tablet controlled by tongue. âWhile weâve not done any research yet, weâre pretty sure people are bored with using their thumbsâ, insisted Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. âPeople can develop a really personal relationship with their gadgets, and sometimes fingering just isnât enough to satisfy that.â Using a new advanced name for glass that responds to inputs made by saliva, Windows 9 has left fanboys drooling to be the first to get their mouths on the device. Critics gave a mixed response when given the chance to test out a prototype, although some may have been influenced by what the previous reviewer had eaten recently, or how well they brushed their teeth. âItâs nice to find a device that lets you keep your hands free for something elseâ, acknowledged Kyle Norman of windowlickers.net. âBut the faint taste of prawn vol-au-vent and garlic bread definitely needs further work.â Keen to justify the radical new input method at the glitzy NY launch, Steve Ballmer appeared to be struggling as he attempted to french-open a new window. âCome on you bitch, give it to meâ, Ballmer was heard to mutter, as his tongue flirted with the integral micro USB slot. But he eventually managed to kiss it better, and explain that the product was dishwasher-proof. Despite the setbacks, Norman still predicts Windows 9 will be flavour of the month. âWhy settle for a half-eaten apple on the back, when you could be licking cake crumbs off the front?â, quizzed Norman. âBesides, itâs much easier to control than Windows 8: that was designed for assholes.â