âFifty Shades effectâ blamed for rise in stupid bullsh*t
Media analysts are warning that the impending release of the film âFifty Shades of Greyâ could lead to a sudden spike in spurious, made-up tosh in newspapers that could be used as an excuse to print a picture of a half-naked woman tied up and blindfolded in order to sell a few extra copies. âRecent days have seen stories in the press linked to the release of the film â that Londonâs fire chiefs are braced for an increase in calls to release people trapped in handcuffs and that B&Q in Tamworth issued a memo to its staff to be prepared for increased requests for items like rope, cable ties and duct tape,â said Media Studies professor Colin Wade. âExcept that itâs all a hoax and none of this really happened because even the British people arenât that stupid. Well, not all of them anyway.â â50 Shades of Greyâ, starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, is an adaptation of the inexplicable best seller by E.L. James, which took its title from the fact that 50 copies of it are currently available for 50p in every charity shop in the entire country. Cinemas are expecting huge crowds to come and see it on its Valentineâs Day release in order to check rumours that it isnât quite as awful as the book and then go home together to have mildly disappointing sex. âBasically,â added Professor Wade, âthere is not going to be a spike in sales of chains, riding crops or anything else that sounds vaguely arousing until they actually try it to people who want to think they are a bit kinky. Ladies, there is not going to be a spike in the sudden availability of handsome, sensitive, mysterious multi-billionaires who have been waiting all their lives to meet you. And men, there is not going to be a spike in the number of unworldly 22-year-old virgins whoâll let you spank them. Not even from zero to one.â âThe only thing there is going to be a spike in is stupid crap. And actually it might be a fairly ordinary day in that respect too, come to think of it. This is Britain in 2015 after all.â