Appleâs Defense Budget Larger Than 42 Countries: Plans To Invade Ecuador Imminent
After the recent iPhone 6 release, Apple Incorporated expects to shatter earnings records once again. Â It has been reported that Apple has sold in excess of 5 million devices on the first weekend of sales. Â Current company CEO, Tim Cook, has been highly criticized for not being former CEO Steve Jobs. Â Many continue to wonder why Cook did not use Appleâs unending resources to clone Steve Jobs so that things didnât have to change. Â Cook is starting to assert his own leadership muscle behind the scenes. With third quarter earnings set to be released in the next several weeks, financial insiders believe that the technology giant could be worth as much as 1 trillion dollars within the next two years. Â These same insiders also noticed a crafty 3 billion dollar increase into the Research & Development department. Â They were quick to question Cook on what this was all about. Â Cook responded adamantly about how he would free himself from Jobsâ shadow. âIâm going to be honest with you,â started Cook. Â âWe have patents that are being threatened by other emerging companies such as Samsung. Â Our next logical step, with all of this money rolling in, is to use it to gain as much power as we can. Â Steve Jobs wanted to build a great product and make a lot of money. Â I want to do the same but springboard that equation into world domination. Â We need hit men and a navy and weapons greater than any government can compete with. Â We have the minds and the resources to make this happen. Â Samsung is a little sand flea in the larger scheme of what we have planned. Â Apple will invade Ecuador within the next 12 months. Â We will then take Columbia and Venezuela. Â If youâve ever played Stratego, you know that this will put us in prime position to guard our borders to Central America and begin full take over of the continent of South America. Â We donât have any problem giving them advanced notice. Â It wonât matter. Â They will not be able to stop us. Â Weâll give them all really crappy second generation iPods to gain their trust and their allegiance. Â The Apple freedom fighters will grow and grow. Â If you thought Mussolini, Hitler, or even al-Qaeda was bad you ainât seen nothing yet. Â Every person on Earth is going to be shitting the Apple logo and thanking us for it.â Financial insiders are not used to these sorts of rants on open conference calls. Â They had a difficult time figuring out Cookâs angle here. Â Was he actually serious or was this some strategic move to set consumers up for the next set of Apple products? Â Investor firms were left speechless and dumbfounded by Cookâs comments. Â âWeâll keep buying the shit until it starts to get a little weirder,â said one of the audience members about Cookâs crazed speech. Â âWeâll wait it out and just see what happens.â Tim Cook went on to say his first order of business would be to assassinate Jim Koch, co-founder of the Boston Beer Company that produces Samuel Adams beer, citing immense frustration from people getting the two of them confused. Â Cook also relayed that each overthrown country will take on the Apple name with a specific identifier to keep the empire separate, yet still as one. Â Proposed names for Ecuador that have been discussed are Apple Fritter, Carmel Apple, and Apple Core.