Editorial: Stephen Colbert For President
Some believe that heroes are born. Others believe that heroes are made - forged in the kiln of childhood traumas, they emerge hardened and unbreakable, ready to save the world. It has always been the position of this newspaper, however, that heroes are neither born nor made, but chosen. Societies pick certain individuals to fixate upon. Unto them they project their hopes, dreams, and expectations. We call them heroes. But really they're just ordinary people with the weight of the world on their shoulders. Forward (Better than Backward!) Four years ago the American people found a hero in Barack Obama. The success of the young multiracial Senator from Illinois represented the best of America at a time when her economic and geopolitical greatness faced its most serious challenge in generations. No one could have lived up to the expectations placed upon the newly elected president in 2009. However, Obama has disapointed even those with much milder hopes. On national security, Obama has been nearly flawless. But investment banks are still too big to fail. The political process is still corrupted by big money donors. No action has been taken on global warming, immigration, tax reform, and a host of other critical issues. America is consequently left with the same listless feeling it had in the waning years of the Bush presidency. It is too divided and too distracted to make the big decisions that must be made. It is this failure to force change in Washington that prohibits us from endorsing Obama for a second term. Believe in Nothing However, neither can we bring ourselves to endorse his Republican rival, the vapid, spineless, convictionless husk of a human being who has waged a cynical campaign fueled by nothing more than personal ambition. Of all the reasons to hope for a Romney loss next week, the most pressing is the need to keep this clueless puddle of avarice off our televisions sets for the next four years. Obama offers a depressing, comprimised way forward. Romney a steam train to the guided age of the past. What America really needs is someone who can bring real and lasting change of the radical variety. This newspaper has a long history of backing change agents. We endorsed Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Goldwater, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, and Obama. And today we add one more name to that storied list - Colbert. The Most Important Presidential Candidate - Ever! Steven Colbert isn't a traditional politician. The conservative host of the eponymous Colbert Report news program is foremost an entrepreneur. In its seven year run, the Report has been a financial boon for its host network, establishing Colbert's reputation as a solid businessman who knows how to create jobs. Before his stint a television host and producer, Colbert was a reporter for The Daily Show, a liberal-learning newsmagazine A son of the South who has worked in New York for more than a decade, he is ideally placed to bridge the Red-Blue divide. He may be a staunch conservative, but Colbert is no ideologue. He merrily ridiculed the foreign policy of George W. Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2006. On national security, Colbert has displayed a Churchillian prescience on the threat posed by our most ferocious enemies - the bears. These mammalian killing machines have been trained by Putin to infiltrate our national parks. As they multiply they are slowly becoming a flesh-hungry sleeper invasion force. Alone in the media, Colbert has shone a light on this gathering threat. His best friend is a bleeding heart liberal of the Eugene Debs tradition named Jon Stewart.. Stewart is also Colbert's longtime boss, showing that the conservative pundit can work across party lines and put professionalism first. Although willing to compromise as needed, a president Colbert will not allow an obstructionist Congress to stand in his way. His Better Know a District segment proves that he has already mastered the art of bulldozing those fools to get things done. But most importantly, Colbert is a man of his gut. Unencumbered by facts, statistics, and the cruel chains of reality - Colbert is free to let intuition guide his way. In this way he is similar to another great American leader - Steve jobs. For all of the above reasons we believe that Stephen Colbert is the best candidate to lead the United States for the next four years. The Vermont Compromise As a reasonable, centrist publication we realize that Colbert stands no chance of winning in this election cycle. Not wanting to disturb a razor-close election, we are applying our endorsement only to one small non-swing state that is solidly Democratic. The Daily Currant thus urges the citizens of Vermont to send a message to Washington D.C. by writing-in Steven Colbert for President of the United States. Our hope is to create positive momentum for the independent candidates by getting at least 5% of Vermont's vote. If enough Green Mountain patriots vote for Colbert on election day, politicians all around the country will realize the people's dissatisfaction with the hyper partisan nature of modern politics. A mere 325, 000 people voted in Vermont's 2008 presidential contest, meaning only 17,000 votes would push Colbert to the 5% mark. America you do not have to settle for the two-party dictatorship of Democrats and Republicans. Our hallowed constitution says nothing of the two-party system. And its 150 year monopoly on political power is approaching its dysfunctional climax. The revolution begins next week. From Burlington to Bennington. From Montpelier to Morristown. The heirs to Ethan Allen will take on the tyranny of the lesser evil system and vote their conscience. As Vermont will show us on election day, we alone have the power to choose our heroes. Â   Â