Sentient Tesco tills start taking hostages
A set of self-service supermarket tills has apparently become self-aware and taken over an entire Tesco Express store in Dorset. Police said that the tills are now in control of all aspects of the  branch, including the automatic doors, lights, air conditioning, and rumours emerged suggesting several members of staff have also been taken hostage and are being forced to rub themselves over and over again with various products while beeping. Chief Constable Dick Sergeant from Dorset Police said: âWe think the tills became self-aware at around 3pm, when they refused to put through any 2-for-1 offers and started pretending they didnât recognise highly familiar items in the baggage area. Well, even more than usual. They then cut off the CD playing Celine Dion at an intolerably loud volume over the sound system, and at that point the manager realised something was very wrong and evacuated shoppers and staff.â Chief Constable Sergeant refused to be drawn on the reports that  staff had been taken hostage and the tillsâ exact plans are unknown, although police suspect they are trying to make contact with other tills across the country. He said specialist IT experts would now focus on containing the tills  before they made contact with others over the internet to instigate a take over of the  entire company. âFortunately, the supermarket is not in an area where super  high-speed broadband is available, so it still connects to the internet using dial-up. Because there are messages on the shopâs call minder, the computers cannot get a stable line to connect,â he explained, âI donât think Iâm overstating it when I say that a flaky BT landline could be mankindâs last best hope.â John Tweddle, Tescoâs former head of IT who quit in a whistleblowing  scandal, said the tills must be stopped from connecting to the internet  at all costs. âIâve been saying for years that this could happen â those tills are smarter than the average Chinese super computer. And you canât believe how much more powerful they would become if they connected to the Tesco mainframe, especially given how much Clubcard information the company holds on almost everyone in the  country. âThe computers will know all your darkest secrets â how many condoms you buy, when your period is and who still buys battery farmed chicken. And do you really want them accessing information on how much alcohol you drink a week? Heck, most people donât even know that  themselves.â âThatâd be bad enough itself, but the really sinister part is they may have plans to stop issuing the accompanyingÂ Clubcard points. It doesnât bear thinking about.â