Lumber Industry Scrambles As Church Leaders Agree To Use Plastic Chairs Instead Of Traditional Pews
One of the largest churches in the United States has taken a stand. Â Not on abortion or same sex marriage. Â Theyâve decided to take a stand on wood. Â And no, not that kind of Â religious wood. Â Real wood. Â Of the lumber variety. Â Pastor William Sheals of Hopewell Ministry Baptist met with environmental leaders this week to seal the deal. Â The church that houses nearly 16,000 visitors each week will be replacing all wooden pews with biodegradable plastic chairs. âIt was a tough decision to buck tradition like this,â comments Pastor Sheals. Â âAt the same time, we have a responsibility to this great Earth that God created for us. Â Our new plastic chair supplier tells me that after we are done with the chairs, they are put into flower gardens and melted down into the soil. Â Apparently whatever these chairs are made of enrich the soil of Mother Earth and will aid in cultivating Godâs beauty all around us. Â Technology is just an amazing thing these days. Â As an added bonus, our elderly parishioners with back problems will have an easier time sitting down for long periods of time to listen to me bring them the sonnets of Godâs word.â âIt took some convincing,â admits the new environmental chair salesperson named Grace. Â âPastor Sheals is very smart and a shrewd businessman. Â We are both God fearing individuals so it was just about cutting a deal that would be good for both of us. Â The good people at his church are so trusting that we didnât have to talk too much about how these new plastic chairs are good for the environment. Â They just believed us. Â Trusted us. Â Like real christians. Â God bless free enterprise and God bless America.â Dixie Plywood and Lumber Company, for one, is extremely concerned. Â âHalf of our goddamn business is building for that church,â says yard foreman Travis Buckner. Â âI donât know much about that churchy stuff but I do know that there was one guy who betrayed everyone. Â Luke or Corinthian or some guy named Pilot or something. Â Well, thatâs how we feel right now. Â Weâre going to drown because of this and I donât see no God throwing us a lifeboat. Â And I ainât no Einstein but I know that plastic chairs are not better for the environment than good old fashioned lumber. Â I donât care if you makeâem out of turds. Â You still gotta put chemicals in there to make it plastic. Â Them church people are being swindled.â Buckner and his associates at the lumber yard have reached out to several beverage bottling companies to see if they would consider using wooden bottles instead of plastic. Â No takers yet but Buckner is confident that a new wooden bottle trend is close to taking off and he plans to be on the front lines as profits soar. Â For his part, Pastor Sheals has indicated that he would definitely buy wooden bottled drinks for his congregation if Buckner is able to secure some deals.