Cameron calls for calm in the worsening Bake Off conflict
The UN is calling for air-strikes to intervene after Diana Beard, a 69 year-old WI activist from Shropshire, was filmed taking a bearded combatantâs ice-cream out of the freezer during the Great British Bake Off. âIt was only for 40 seconds or so,â she protested to UN observers. Billionaire Peace Envoy Tony Blair tweeted from the safety of his villa in Tuscany, â45 seconds is all it takes. We cannot stand idly by. #ToldYouSo #MyPlaceInHistory.â President Obama, in an unusually hawkish mood issued a statement stating that âAtrocities against baked Alaska are just unacceptableâ. More swiftly than usual he decisively did nothing. A congressman summed up a grim situation: âGreat Britain is a small country with most of its inhabitants forced into a narrow strip of land to the south facing the sea. The people have literally no-where to go, it is a siege.â The latest ceasefire lasted just four hours during filming today, after co-presenter Sue Perkins did one of her âquirky innuendoâ faces, driving an enraged contestant to fling a chocolate bombe with deadly precision, demolishing a stand on which some defenceless fairy cakes had been resting. It was reported that a BBC cameraman had to be treated for shock after capturing footage of Mary Berry sucking jam from her fingers as she savagely devoured one of the casualties. âThe carnage was terribleâ, stated a subdued Paul Hollywood. âHowever, I am here to judge cakes, not crumbs.â He shrugged dismissively, waving away a crying contestant who claimed to have âlost everythingâ in the last air strike. BBC film crews have since been âwalking on eggshellsâ in the warzone, wary of inflaming the situation while surrounded by nervous combatants who appeared to be stockpiling jagged rock cakes. David Cameron has called on all sides to remain calm and refrain from retaliating. He confirmed that âWhilst we have no boots on the ground, the SAS are levitating nearby on Operation Bingate, searching for the perpetrator of what is surely the worst atrocity of 2014. They have orders to slot the old lady on sight. The whole world is looking on and what we saw happen to that young manâs pudding frankly turned my stomach.â Meanwhile, conditions at the scene are said to be grim, with the indigenous population running perilously short on vital supplies such as flour, water, doilies and little silver sugar balls.