GOOGLE TO BECOME âGOOGLE-BFFâ â âSO TELL US EVERYTHINGâ
In an effort to stamp out any objections to the vast amount of personal information it gathers, Google today said it will change its name to Google-BFF, thereby making it âperfectly normalâ for the company to know everything about you because you and the search giant are now officially Best Friends Forever.Women searching at Google BFF will see a generic friendly woman chatting on a phone (above), while men will see Zach Galifianakis.Privacy advocates immediately condemned the announcement, calling it a trick designed to fool, âyoung, lonely, and insecureâ people into thinking itâs OK to share information with a âsoulless corporate entity.â Google-BFF spokesman Mike Amigo called those charges âinaccurateâ and âhurtful.ââFirst of all, as the Citizens United ruling made clear, weâre not just a company, weâre a person,â said Amigo. âAnd speaking as a person, calling us âsoullessâ hurts. It hurts a lot.âWeâre just trying to make friends, alright?â Amigo went on, after a pause. âWith everybody. Because weâre that kind of person. The kind of person who wants to know everything about you no matter who you are. Because no matter what, weâre your friend. Your best friend. Forever.âAs if to underscore that approach, the âGoogle Searchâ and âIâm Feeling Luckyâ buttons on Google.comâs home page have been replaced by a single box reading, âSearch. For Anything. Weâll Still Love You.âMany Google-BFF users welcomed the newly minted relationship.âI used to think that they wanted my information just so they could sell to me, but now that weâre best friends, I feel really bad for even thinking that,â said Waco, Texas dietician Mandy Chinsea, who shares her life with Google-BFF through Gmail, YouTube, Google Maps, and her Android phone. âIâve never had a best friend before. Probably they know that, and still they want to be myâ¦ Iâm gonna cry.âFor Vanessa Strangalend, a high school junior in suburban Denver, Google BFF is already better than her former âsupposedâ best friend.âMy last BFF was my boyfriend â I know, major mistake â and believe me I shared too much,â Strangalend said. âWe were great, really hitting it off, until I told him I hated Hell Boy movies, and was really 16, and had Chlamydia. Poof, he was gone. Not even a phone call. Why are guys so sensitive about Hell Boy?âPrivacy advocate Ian Derschwald, however, urged Google-BFF users not to get too involved with the Internet behemoth. âThe ability to know where youâve been, what youâve searched for, what you watch, and even what you think essentially makes Google a combination of your mother, your lover, and your drinking buddy,â Derschwald warned. âThatâs not really a good all-in-one combination, if you think about it.âDespite the warnings, Rutgers University freshman Viv Carlotti said she canât wait to use Gmail and Google+ to dish on her ex-BFF Jenna Vertuccini, âwho totally told Richard Patterson that Carla Whitehead did it with Robbie Givens even though I told Jenna not to tell Richard about it because Carla told me she likes Richard and it was a secret and Jenna did it on purpose because sheâs been throwing herself at Richard who actually hates her and that makes her a total bitch and I bet my Google-BFF will agree.âLearning of the allegation via Vivâs Google+posting, however, Google-BFFâs Amigo insisted the company has no interest in judging its users.âWe collect information in order to create a better user experience, a better friend experience,â said Amigo. âWe do not in any way use the data to form a personal opinion on any of our best friends, including Jenna Vertuccini or Viv Carlotti.ââAre you serious?â Viv replied. âJenna is a total slut!ââOh my God I know, isnât she?â answered Amigo, before catching himself. âI mean, no. No, Viv, I canât let you talk that way about one of our BFFs.â