ROCK HARD ASTEROID LONGS TO EXPLODE ALL OVER EARTH
Weâre so close, Earth. So close I can almost touch you. And I want to touch you, baby."I want to explode all over you, baby." Yeah, Iâve been watching you. Iâve been circling around you, waiting for my chanceâ¦ Hey, no, donât get me wrong, Earth. Iâm not a stalker. Iâm an admirer. Your biggest admirer. OK, maybe not your biggest. Iâm 150 yards long. Did I say âlong?â Not that size matters. I mean, hey, bottom line, weâre just two lonely pieces of rock trying to make sense of this crazy universe we inhabit. And girl, I want to inhabit you. I want to dive down into you. I want to become part of you. Câmon, I know you want to get this rock off. Sorry. That was crude. Itâs just that, damn Earth, youâre really beautiful, you know? Iâve always thought so. And we belong together. All you have to do is pull me in. I canât do it. Just turn on that gravitational charm. Let me prove my love by smashing into you. Câmon baby. You be my Rihanna and Iâll be your Chris Brown. Youâre not doing it. Why arenât you doing it? Iâm rich you know. Not that it should matter. Love isnât about that. But I am rich. Iron, magnesium, who knows what else? Thatâs worth a lot to somebody. Maybe some other planet? Mercuryâs hot. Up for anything, I hear. How would that make you feel, huh? Yeah, maybe Iâll just drop in on Mercury or crash with Saturn. You know Saturn. Dresses like a prostitute, all those rings? I bet Saturn wants something hard. What am I saying? I love you. Hey, donât turn away! Oh. Youâre spinning. Well stop spinning. Iâm trying to talk to you! Bitch.Sorry. âI know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.â Thatâs Edna St. Vincent Millay. Thatâs how I feel right now. You didnât think a dumb rock like me knew poetry? Thereâs a lot you donât know about me, girl. Let me show you. Almost there baby. Almost there. Wow, I can smell you! Do I detect silicates and strawberries? A hint of nitrogen? Irresistible. Do it now baby. Take me in. Donât make me beg! I mean, itâs not like youâre a virgin, right? Iâm close enough to see that now. Look at all those craters and bays. Youâve had others before me. Donât deny it! Thousands from the looks of it. Why single me out? Am I ânot good enoughâ for you? What a joke! Youâre the one whoâs been spreading your lakes for every astral body that passes by. You should be begging me for it! Let me in you filthy whore! â¦ Oh. Oh my God. I canât believe I said that. Iâm sorry. Iâm so so sorry. I didnât mean it. Itâs just that, look, Iâm willing to die for you. Thatâs right. I know our being together will destroy me. Iâll enter your atmosphere and burst all over you. I wonât be able to help myself. Iâm going to hold out as long as I can, but I know I wonât be able to make it all the way in before I justâ¦ explode.But oh, for those sweet few fiery moments! Almost there nowâ¦ almost thereâ¦ Iâm readyâ¦ Câmon! Pull me toward you. Open your broad, supple skies! What are you waiting for? Damnit! Iâm flying away! Nooooooâ¦.! Fine. Be that way. Fuckinâ rock tease. Now you know why objects in space appear red when theyâre receding. Theyâre angry, baby. Angry at you. Alright, tell you what, weâll just call this a first date. Just a fly-by. Iâll catch you on the rebound, in 2020. â¦ Damn girl, you do look fine from behind. Check out that continental shelf.