U.S. SETS SWEAT PRODUCTION RECORD
Americaâs sweltering summer of 2011 does have a bright side: U.S. sweat production is at record highs.With heat indexes across the country regularly topping 100, American adults have doubled their per capita daily sweat output to 1.1 gallons. As a result, an estimated 29 billion gallons have been produced in July alone, a two-fold increase from all of last summer.The Sweat-Producing StatesAccording to the National Endocrine Association, both eccrine and apochrine sweat gland production have shown significant gains, with output greatest in the sweat-producing states of the Deep South and Midwest, commonly known as Americaâs Underarm and Genital Area, respectively.The bumper output was quickly hailed by the sweat industry as a proud achievement for a nation otherwise suffering from political bickering, rising unemployment, and even loftier temperatures.âPeople in this country may not have jobs, but our glands are working overtime,â said Rollon Pell of the American Antiperspirant Council, a trade group. âThis proves once again that Americans are the hardest sweating people on Earth. Weâre not like your namby-pamby Canadians with their temperate summers, or your freeze-dried Swedes with their long winters, or your creepy, crusty Japanese with their âOoo look at me Iâve got fewer sweat glands than everyone else.â We sweat in places they can only dream of.âAMERICAN SWEATCEPTIONALISMPerspirational jingoism aside, the sweat surplus has so far failed to translate into economic gains. One reason is the lack of a viable domestic market for sweat, despite the logicality of selling it by the barrel, much like oil. Another drawback is that the thought of âbillions of barrels of sweatâ tends to make people wretch.The U.S. Chamber of Commerce believes sweat exports may be the answer. While sweat-producing nations, particularly in Latin America, might offer lower-priced perspiration, Chamber endocrinologist Dr. Dewey White said the U.S. can offer what others canât: American sweatceptionalism.âBecause of our diet of processed foods, U.S. sweat is higher in salt and potassium and we should push that angle,â said White. âRight now weâre looking at, âAmerican sweat: full of minerals and freedom.â That tested better than, âAmerican sweat: smell the liberty.ââA few inventive Americans, however, have already found ways to benefit from their increased sweat production.On a cattle farm outside Chicopee, Neb., unemployed machinist Ken Kelly has rented himself out as a salt lick. He earns $10 an hour, or $20 an hour if he keeps his pants on.In Salinas, Cal., meanwhile, part-time realtor Ben Bronfman has been covertly collecting womenâs sweat at local gymnasiums, bundling it with a photo of each woman, and selling it on the Internet. His trial is next week.