Secretary Part 5
Secretary: Part 5
[The Senate. Black Hat sits before the committee at his hearing to become Internet Secretary.] Chairman: We were convened here to review your nomination for the position of internet secretary.
Chairman: However, on review of your qualifications, we've decided to sentence you to death.
Chairman: An unorthodox move, sure. But the vote was unanimous. [Black Hat is leaning back in his chair.]
[Tron Paul's lightcycle swerves wildly.] Meanwhile...
Tron Paul: There's no grid! How do I steeeeer!!!!!
[Back at the Senate. Black Hat is standing.] Black Hat: Well, it's been fun. But I was never actually interested in taking the position. Good lord; listening to internet arguments all day? No thank you.
Chairman: Then why did you sit through all those hearings?
Black Hat: It was taking us a while to move the pumps into the maintenance tunnels.
[The committee members murmur among themselves.]
[There is a panel in the floor between Black Hat and the committee.] RUMBLE plink plink
[A red playpen ball bursts out of the panel and rolls towards the committee chairman.] plink
[The room is still. Black Hat's arms are folded.]
[A geyser of red, white, and blue playpen balls bursts through the panel in the floor. Black Hat is already gone.] FOOM
[The committee members chase Black Hat out the door as the Senate floor floods with playpen balls.]
[The chase continues into the rotunda, as does the flood of playpen balls.]
[Black Hat stands in the middle of the rotunda as it fills with playpen balls, surrounded by members of the committee.] Committee Members: Security! Someone! Committee Members: Get Him!
[Tron Paul bursts through the wall.] CRASH Tron Paul: Aaaaa!
[Black Hat grabs the bottom of the lightcycle as Tron Paul goes by.] snag Tron Paul: Hey!
[Black Hat swings onto the top of the light cycle.]
[Black Hat crouches on top of the light cycle.] Tron Paul: Get Off!
[Tron Paul and Black Hat crash through the far wall of the rotunda.] CRASH
[Tron Paul hits the ground.] WHAM Tron Paul: Ow!
[Black Hat runs away.] Tron Paul: Ughhh.
[The lightcycle disappears.] Tron Paul: I feel queasy... Cory Doctorow, above: Hey! Black Hat: Hi, Cory. Cory Doctorow: Need a lift? Black Hat: Sure.
[Black Hat and Cory Doctorow depart in Doctorow's balloon.] Cory Doctorow: So are you, like, a fugitive now? Black Hat: Well, I never did give them my name...

[Senators play in the playpen balls.] But in the rotunda Senators: Let's jump down here from the balcony! Senators: Senior senators first! Senators: Wheeee! Senators: I'm a submarine! All is forgiven.

This is the fifth and final comic in the Secretary story-arc. The culmination has Black Hat up to his usual shenanigans in the US Senate chamber room .
The hearings have ended, with the chairman deciding to sentence him to death, instead of confirming his position of Internet Secretary. Black Hat replies that he was "never interested in taking the position." This would be quite weird, as Senate confirmation meetings take a long time. The committee members are obviously surprised, and they question Black Hat, trying to get him to reveal his motives. He then cryptically replies that "It was taking us a while to move the pumps into the maintenance tunnels." The confused committee members then look at each other.
A red playpen ball bursts out of the panel and rolls towards the committee chairman, before being followed by a geyser of red, white, and blue balls, which begin to engulf the room and the Senate rotunda. Of course, Black Hat has already escaped by grabbing Tron Paul's lightcycle and using it to smash his way out of the rotunda.
Outside the Senate, Cory Doctorow offers Black Hat a lift and asks if he's a fugitive now, and Black Hat replies that they never had his name, which is odd, considering that they know he's stolen a nuclear submarine, along with everything else mentioned in 496: Secretary: Part 3
Back at Congress, they seem to have forgotten about Black Hat's "gleeful mayhem" and are jumping off the balcony into the ball pit below.
The title text refers to Al Gore . Al Gore was the Vice President under President Bill Clinton and ran as the Democratic nominee for President in 2000. Al Gore has had quite a history with the Internet , including one oft-misquoted (rather, quoted out of context) interview with CNN in which he told Wolf Blitzer , "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." Many spun this to mean he claimed to have actually invented the Internet himself, although some of its pioneers clarified what Gore actually meant (that "his initiatives led directly to the commercialization of the Internet") and agreed with this assessment. [1] [2]
The Senate or a Senate committee, in reality, cannot sentence a person to death, as that would be a bill of attainder , which Congress is prohibited from passing by Article I, Section 9, Clause 3 of the United States Constitution: "No Bill of Attainder ... shall be passed." "An unorthodox move," indeed.
Tron was an arcade game, based on the movie of the same name, and both released in 1982. The characters would play on a grid in lightcycles that left behind walls of light. The objective of the game was to force the opponent to run into the wall of light, similar to the Snake game .
Of course, playpen balls have been the topic of many comics before, notably in 150: Grownups .
All comics in the Secretary series are:
This series was released on five consecutive days (Monday-Friday) and not over the usual Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule.
It is possible that this series is a continuation of 493: Actuarial , in which Black Hat demonstrates great power over even Internet trolls via his sociopathic ways. This would explain why Black Hat was nominated as Internet secretary.
[The Senate. Black Hat sits before the committee at his hearing to become Internet Secretary.] Chairman: We were convened here to review your nomination for the position of internet secretary.
Chairman: However, on review of your qualifications, we've decided to sentence you to death.
Chairman: An unorthodox move, sure. But the vote was unanimous. [Black Hat is leaning back in his chair.]
[Tron Paul's lightcycle swerves wildly.] Meanwhile...
Tron Paul: There's no grid! How do I steeeeer!!!!!
[Back at the Senate. Black Hat is standing.] Black Hat: Well, it's been fun. But I was never actually interested in taking the position. Good lord; listening to internet arguments all day? No thank you.
Chairman: Then why did you sit through all those hearings?
Black Hat: It was taking us a while to move the pumps into the maintenance tunnels.
[The committee members murmur among themselves.]
[There is a panel in the floor between Black Hat and the committee.] RUMBLE plink plink
[A red playpen ball bursts out of the panel and rolls towards the committee chairman.] plink
[The room is still. Black Hat's arms are folded.]
[A geyser of red, white, and blue playpen balls bursts through the panel in the floor. Black Hat is already gone.] FOOM
[The committee members chase Black Hat out the door as the Senate floor floods with playpen balls.]
[The chase continues into the rotunda, as does the flood of playpen balls.]
[Black Hat stands in the middle of the rotunda as it fills with playpen balls, surrounded by members of the committee.] Committee Members: Security! Someone! Committee Members: Get Him!
[Tron Paul bursts through the wall.] CRASH Tron Paul: Aaaaa!
[Black Hat grabs the bottom of the lightcycle as Tron Paul goes by.] snag Tron Paul: Hey!
[Black Hat swings onto the top of the light cycle.]
[Black Hat crouches on top of the light cycle.] Tron Paul: Get Off!
[Tron Paul and Black Hat crash through the far wall of the rotunda.] CRASH
[Tron Paul hits the ground.] WHAM Tron Paul: Ow!
[Black Hat runs away.] Tron Paul: Ughhh.
[The lightcycle disappears.] Tron Paul: I feel queasy... Cory Doctorow, above: Hey! Black Hat: Hi, Cory. Cory Doctorow: Need a lift? Black Hat: Sure.
[Black Hat and Cory Doctorow depart in Doctorow's balloon.] Cory Doctorow: So are you, like, a fugitive now? Black Hat: Well, I never did give them my name...

[Senators play in the playpen balls.] But in the rotunda Senators: Let's jump down here from the balcony! Senators: Senior senators first! Senators: Wheeee! Senators: I'm a submarine! All is forgiven.
