Never Do This
Never Do This
[Cueball walks toward Megan holding a pocket microscope.] Cueball: Check it out—a pocket microscope! Megan: Ooh! Let's look at stuff!
[Cueball holds a pencil; Megan peers at a quarter through the microscope.] Cueball: The tip of this pencil is neat . Megan: This quarter is really scratched.
Cueball: Let's look at the skin under our fingernails!
Minutes later... [Cueball and Megan curl up in a black pit of despair.] Cueball and Megan: oh god oh god

Cueball shows his new pocket microscope to Megan . With the curiosity of scientists, they quickly decide to use the microscope to look at a number of different things.
But after they use the microscope to inspect what is under their fingernails, they both sink into a catatonic state . Our fingers are how we interact with the world, and all manner of things get trapped under our fingernails; different kinds of dirt, fungus, spores, fragments of insects, insect droppings and so on. Such things that obviously look pretty horrific when magnified a few hundred times. Cueball and Megan never suspected what they would find, and seem unable to process or deal with the horror they have uncovered.
The title text refers to Rule 34 (see 305: Rule 34 ), an internet meme which states "If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.". The book referenced is "The Secret House: 24 hours in the strange & wonderful world in which we spend our nights and days" by David Bodanis and is a study in microphotography . It features extreme close-ups of everyday phenomena in the common house, but as seen from a microscopic perspective. "Rule 34" states that there must be porn of this nature, but it is not clear what form this would take. You would, however, probably be able to see the individual sperm cells .
Randall may have done this check himself - and now chooses to warn others not to make the same mistake. Thus, the title: Never Do This . He later gives the same type of advice against using a UV lamp in the bathroom through this comic: 1469: UV .
Given his likely negative feelings towards Valentine's Day , as seen in the most of his Valentines comics , it may not be a coincidence he send this gross comic out on February 14. He did not draw any Valentines related comic this year as he for instance did the two years before and the year after.
[Cueball walks toward Megan holding a pocket microscope.] Cueball: Check it out—a pocket microscope! Megan: Ooh! Let's look at stuff!
[Cueball holds a pencil; Megan peers at a quarter through the microscope.] Cueball: The tip of this pencil is neat . Megan: This quarter is really scratched.
Cueball: Let's look at the skin under our fingernails!
Minutes later... [Cueball and Megan curl up in a black pit of despair.] Cueball and Megan: oh god oh god
