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  MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK

[Illustration]

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
beginning in 1841 to the present day.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "READING BETWEEN THE LINES"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK

_WITH 160 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY PHIL MAY,
GEORGE DU MAURIER,
CHARLES KEENE,
JOHN LEECH,
SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
E. T. REED,
L. RAVENHILL,
J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
REGINALD CLEAVER,
AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS

[Illustration]

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

       *       *       *       *       *

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY
LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN

       *       *       *       *       *

A WORD AT STARTING

[Illustration]

ONLY a few years before MR. PUNCH began his long and brilliant career
had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come
into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to
undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty
prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally
as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and
pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to
illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present
time MR. PUNCH has not failed to find in the railway and its
associations "a source of innocent merriment."

It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of PUNCH
literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways,
and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient
service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the
excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed
to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous
advantages which the present generation enjoys in this great matter of
comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where MR. PUNCH in his
wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and
condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as
ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule
is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these
later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway
system MR. PUNCH has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from
his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of
presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is
that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier
chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class
Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders
that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable
contrast to the not very distant past.

To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway
traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it
will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour
has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust
it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things,"
literary and pictorial, that have appeared in MR. PUNCH'S pages on the
subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth
upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK

RAILWAY JOKES

_As Played Daily on the Principal Lines_

_Turning Business into Pleasure._--Take a traveller pressed for time,
and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with
another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the
traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train
arrives at the junction, start off the second train _en route_ for Town.
The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will
be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.

_The Panic-stricken Passengers._--Allow an express train to arrive at
the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers
will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will
(again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from
the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in
the train, the fun will become fast and furious.

_A Lark in the Dark._--Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually
lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop
the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting
off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be
known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already
occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly
improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the
carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication
existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.

_A Comical Meal._--On a long journey promise that the train shall stop
at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the
customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station
half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the
refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly
into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately
seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are
once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely
locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for
three-quarters of an hour.

_The Strange Companions._--Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a
first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it
with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast
between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the
ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.

_A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the
Passengers)._--Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of
the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons
against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault.
_Verb. sap._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Half third return to Brixton, please."

"Half! What's your age?"

"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)_
"'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"

_Minor R.O. (with dignity)._ "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval
Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."

_Friend (impressed)._ "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" _Minor R.O._
"Well, I can't say as I _saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at
Vaux'all!"_]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN EXCITING TIME

Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and
he is left alone with a _dangerous lunatic!!_ (It was only little
Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the
electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN

SCENE--_A third-class carriage._ TIME--_Three hours before the next
station._ DRAMATIS PERSONAE--_Jones and Robinson._

"It's the _last!_--and it's a Taendstickor. It'll only strike on the
box!"

"Strike it on the box, then;--but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"

"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.

_Passenger (in second class)._ "I think I've got into the wrong
carriage."

_Ticket Inspector (sternly)._ "The difference must be paid!"

_Passenger (triumphantly)._ "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for
three shillings--I've a first-class ticket!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A REMINDER

_Old Lady._ "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage
in?--the big portmantle and----"

_Porter._ "All right, mum."

_Old Lady._ "And you're certain I've not left anything behind----"

_Porter._ "No, mum, not even a copper!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL

_The Cunard "Special" full speed for London_

_John Bull (of the World in general)._ "There is nothing to be alarmed
at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"

_Jonathan (from the West in particular)._ "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that.
I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Impatient Traveller._ "Er--how long will the next train
be, portah?"

_Porter._ "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an
inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE LEVEL CROSSING

"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"

"No, mum."

"And no more trains on the down line?"

"No, mum."

"Is there no _special_ train?"

"No, mum."

"Nor an _excursion_ train?"

"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."

"You're quite sure?"

"Yes, mum."

"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Old Maid._ "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"

_Obliging Passenger._ "No, mum. 'Igher up!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MISSING SPINSTER

  You may boast your great improvements,
  Your inventions and your "movements,"
    For those who stay at home, and those who travel;
  But arrangements for the latter
  Are so complex, that the matter
  Makes them dotty as a hatter
                  To unravel.

  There was once an ancient lady
  Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,
    Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.
  So in fear and trepidation
  She sought out her destination,
  And betook her to the station--
                  Waterloo.

  She took her little ticket
  And she did not fail to stick it
    With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.
  Another moment found her
  With a plenty to astound her--
  For she'd notice-boards all round her,
                  And above!

  So she studied every number
  On those sign-posts that encumber
    All the station; and she learned them one by one;
  But she found the indication
  Of the platforms of the station
  Not much use as information
                  When she'd done.

  In her shocking state of fluster
  Little courage could she muster,
    Yet of porters she accosted one or two;
  But, too shy to claim attention,
  And too full of apprehension,
  She could get no one to mention
                  "Which for Trew."

  So she trudged through every station--
  "North," "South," "Main,"--in quick rotation,
    And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";
  Like some hapless new Pandora
  She sat down a-gasping for a
  Little hope to live on--or a
                  Plate o' soup.

           * * * * *

  'Mid the bustle and the hissing
  An old maiden lady's "Missing"--
    In some corner of the complicated maze;
  And round about she's gliding
  In unwilling, hideous hiding,
  On the platform, loop, or siding,
                  In a craze.

  And still they cannot find her,
  For she leaves no trace behind her
    At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;
  But she passes like a comet
  With the myst'ry of Mahomet--
  Her course unknown--and from it
                  Not a clue!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MOST OFFENSIVE

_Railway Porter._ "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A RAILWAY COLLUSION--A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS

_Porter._ "Now, then, Bill! are you off?"

_Cab Ruffian._ "No; what sort of fare is it?"

_Porter._ "Single gent, with small bag."

_Ruffian._ "Oh, _he_ won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two
little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS.

"Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow
there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on
by the Scotch Express."]

       *       *       *       *       *

RATHER 'CUTE.--_Small but Sharp Passenger._ "Look here! You didn't give
me the right change just now!"

_Clerk._ "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your
ticket!"

_Passenger._ "_Should_ I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you
gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!"     _[Exit._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

SMOKING COMPARTMENT

WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS

THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX

UNDERGROUND STUDIES]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS]

_Stoker._ "Wery sorry to disturb yer at supper, ladies, but could yer
oblige me with a scuttle o' coals for our engine, as we've run short of
'em this journey?"

       *       *       *       *       *

REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY

"No smoking allowed." Of course, but I am going to enjoy my cigar in
silence.

"Want the window closed." Very sorry, but I can't find a cathedral.

"Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a
newspaper.

"Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you;
he alone has power to issue free tickets.

"Do I mind the draught?" Not when I am attending to the chessman.

"Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower
middle class.

"Is this right for Windsor?" Yes, if it's not left for somewhere else.

"Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have
sandwiches at the counter.

"Isn't this first-class?" Quite excellent--first-rate--couldn't be
better!

"I want to go second." Then you had better follow me.

"I am third." Indeed! And who were first and second.

"I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be
anywhere else.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE WAY OF THE WHIRLED.--The rail-way.

       *       *       *       *       *

"VERY HARD LINES."--The railways.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RAILWAY AMALGAMATION--A PLEASANT STATE OF THINGS]

_Passenger._ "What's the matter, guard?"

_Guard (with presence of mind)._ "Oh, nothing particular, sir. We've
only run into an excursion train!"

_Passenger._ "But, good gracious! there's a train just behind us, isn't
there?"

_Guard._ "Yes, sir! But a boy has gone down the line with a signal; and
it's very likely they'll see it!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.

The party that _never_ says, "Thank  |  The party that _always_ says,
you!"                                |  "Thank you!"

When you open the door, shut the window, or give up your seat for her.]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION

  (1845)

  Pity the sorrows of a third-class man,
    Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er,
  Who for his fare has paid you all he can:
    Cover him in, and let him freeze no more!

  This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks,
    So does the puddle reaching to my knees;
  Behold my pinch'd red nose--my shrivell'd cheeks:
    You should not have such carriages as these.

  In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet,
    I only paddle in a pool of slush;
  My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat;
    Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush.

  Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down,
    And here I'm standing in the open air!
  Long is my dreary journey up to Town,
    That is, alive, if ever I get there.

  Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains,
    You might as well, at least, defend the poor;
  It would not cost you much, with all your gains:
    Cover us in, and luck attend your store.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CAUTION

No wonder Miss Lavinia Stitchwort thought the people very rude at the
station when she went for her "water-proof" (which she had lost on the
railway some time before). She found out when she got home she had not
removed the "unclaimed property" label!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Nervous Party._ "The train seems to be travelling at a
fearful pace, ma'am."

_Elderly Female._ "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an'
'e _can_ make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o' drink in 'im!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ORIGIN OF RAILWAYS.--The first idea of railways is of very ancient
date, for we hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the
Conquest.

       *       *       *       *       *

RAILWAY NEWS.--There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to
travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the
safety of her luggage.

       *       *       *       *       *

"RAILWAY COUPLING."--When the porter marries the young lady in the
refreshment department.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"

A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time
tabl(e)ature]

       *       *       *       *       *

RAILWAY REFORM.--Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a
certain age.

As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also
for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers,"
the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as
Hampton Wick.

The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers."
Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.

It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the
abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No
Returns."

       *       *       *       *       *

A PLUTOCRAT.--_Swell._ "'Dyou oblige me--ah--by shutting your
window?--ah----"

_Second Passenger (politely)._ "Really, sir, if you will not press it,
as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You
seem to take great care of yourself, sir----"

_Swell._ "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear
fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SLOW TRAIN

  On Southern lines the trains which crawl
    Deliberately to and fro
  Make life a burden; of them all
    This is the slowest of the slow.
  Impatiently condemned to bear
    What is indeed an awful bore,
  I've seemed to be imprisoned there
                Three days, or more.

  The angry passengers complain;
    Of new electric cabs they talk.
  They sit and swear at such a train,
    And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"
  It's true the time seems extra long
    When spent in such a wretched way,
  My calculation may be wrong--
                Three hours, say.

  The other day I had to come
    By this slow train, but facing me
  Was no old buffer, dull and dumb;
    I chatted with my vis-a-vis.
  A pretty smile, a pretty dress,
    Gay spirits no fatigue could crush;
  With her it was a quick express,
                Three minutes' rush.

  For once I sadly left the train,
    For once the time too quickly passed.
  I still could angrily complain,
    Why travel so absurdly fast?
  At lightning speed that special went
    (I'd paid the ordinary fare),
  Now looking back it seems we spent
                Three seconds there.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH

_Facetious Individual (from carriage window)._ "Change 'ere, 'ave we?
Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WEDNESBURY STATION.--_First Collier._ "Trains leave for Birmingham,
10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m."

_Second Collier._ "What's p.m.?"

_First Do._ "A penny a mile, to be sure."

_Second Do._ "Then, what's a.m.?"

_First Do._ "Why, that must be a a'penny a mile."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RAILWAY LUXURIES

_Excursionist._ "I say--'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!"

_Aquarius._ "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS

_'Traction Engines._--Too many Girls of the Period.

_Truck-Trains._--Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover
Square.

_Continuous Brakes._--The results of lodging house attendance.

_Changing Lines._--What we often see after the honeymoon.

_Shunted on to a Siding._--Paterfamilias when Baby appears.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A party who is quite in favour of light railways for town
and country.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR COUNTRY COUSINS

_The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the
odours of an average London terminus._

_Miss Milly Gushington._ "Wait a bit, uncle." (_Sniff._) "Oh, isn't it
lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just _smell_ of the season?"

_Miss Hilly Gushington._ "Don't speak about it--only sniff!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET

(_Railway Edition_)

  A is the affable guard whom you square:
  B is the _Bradshaw_ which leads you to swear:
  C is the corner you fight to obtain:
  D is the draught of which others complain:
  E are the enemies made for the day:
  F is the frown that you wear all the way:
  G is the guilt that you feel going third:
  H is the humbug by which you're deterred:
  I is the insult you'll get down the line:
  J is the junction where you'll try to dine:
  K is the kettle of tea three weeks old:
  L are the lemon drops better unsold:
  M is the maiden who says there's no meat:
  N is the nothing you thus get to eat:
  O is the oath that you use--and do right:
  P is the paper to which you _don't_ write:
  Q are the qualms to directors unknown:
  R is the row which you'll find all your own:
  S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:"
  T is the truth, that will come to a halt:
  U is the pointsman--who's up the whole night:
  V is the verdict that says it's "all right."
  W stands for wheels flying off curves:
  X for express that half shatters your nerves:
  Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling,
  and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: STARTLING!

_Constable (to nervous passenger, arrived by the Ramsgate train)._ "I've
got yer"--(_"Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of
horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!"_)--"a cab, sir."]

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"

SCENE--_The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway._

_Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous
politeness._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.

_Ticket Clerk (abruptly)._ No first-class here. Go to the next
booking-place.

  [_Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next
  booking-place._

_Country Cousin._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to
Bayswater.

_Ticket Clerk (explosively)._ Single or return? Look sharp! You're not
the only person in London!

_Country Cousin (humbly)._ Single, please.

  [_The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country
  Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes
  precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be
  snipped._

_Snipper (inspecting ticket)._ Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go
up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just
coming in!

  [_Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment,
  hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform
  just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone,
  gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket._

_Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely)._ If you please--will the next
train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?

_Saturnine Official._ Can't tell you till the train comes.

  [_Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had
  taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along._

_Stentorian voice (without stops)._ Earl's Court North End and
Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!

  [_Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full.
  Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to
  open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant
  seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on._

_Indignant Official._ Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (_Drags
back Country Cousin._) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin
to get in there for?

  [_Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by
  recent struggle and resumes his agitated march._

_Enter another train more madly than the first._

_Stentorian voice._ High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and
Bayswater train main line train!

_Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty)._ Is this
train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?

_Haughty Official._ Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a
minute.

  [_Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his
  umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts
  through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having
  lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect,
  and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan
  District Railway Station._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WHEN IN DOUBT--DON'T!

SCENE--_Country Station_

_Gent._ "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"

_Country Youth._ "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a
fortnight!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A DILEMMA

_Station-Master._ "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are
you----"

_Overdriven Porter._ "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna
ken fa the're gaen tae!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RISKS

_Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage)._ "Take an accident
insurance ticket, sir?"

_Passenger (nervously)._ "Wha' for?!"

_Clerk._ "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for
the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the
hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"

    [_Old Gent forks out with alacrity._]

       *       *       *       *       *

TO MY "PUFF PUFF"

  Puff me away from the noise and the worry;
    Puff me away from the desolate town;
  Puff me--but don't be in too great a hurry;
    Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.

  Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet
    Swiftly--or e'en at the pace called the snail's,
  Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it
    Into my nostrils--but don't leave the rails.

  Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;
    For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst--
  For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;
    Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.

  Puff me _en route_ for care-killing Killarney,
    Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;
  Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,
    Puff, puff, like blazes--but, _please_, don't "collide!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE

_Customer_ (Time--_Saturday afternoon_). "I don't want all coppers in
change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?"

_Newsboy._ "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER

  At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,--
    The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."
  I tipped him as thy welcome form
    He carried, with a grateful smile, in.

  Alas! thou art a faithless friend,
    Thy warmth was but dissimulation;
  Thy tepid glow is at an end,
    And I am nowhere near my station!

  I shiver, cold in feet and hands,
    It is a legal form of slaughter,
  They don't warm (!) trains in other lands
    With half a pint of tepid water.

  I spurn thy coldness with a kick,
    And pile on rugs as my protectors,
  I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick,
    Thy parsimonious directors!

       *       *       *       *       *

DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but
woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with
her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "A LIBERAL MEASURE"

_Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order,
and won't work)._ "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to
chaps o' your size!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

FOXHUNTER'S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails.

       *       *       *       *       *

AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents.

       *       *       *       *       *

THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow
Gauge, and the Lug-gage.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ZOOLOGY

_Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets)._
"'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and
so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no
charge for it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LOGIC

_Stout Party._ "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people
can get out, people can get in!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought.

       *       *       *       *       *

STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train.

       *       *       *       *       *

KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a
railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.

       *       *       *       *       *

"DON'T TOUCH ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the
stoker.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "A MAN AND A PASSENGER!"

_Sweep._ "'Elp us up with my luggage, mate!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

VOCES POPULI

  I

SCENE--_Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger,
apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit,
seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state
of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness._

_The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously)._ Yer saw that gentleman I
was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he _was_?

_First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who
sets a certain value on his conversation)._ Well, he didn't look much
like the Archbishop of Canterbury.

_The S._ He's a better man than _'im_! That was Brasher, the middling
weight! he giv' me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, _he_
did!

_First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence)._
Ah! did he, though?

_The S._ He _did_; I went up to him, and I sez, "Excuse me," I sez,
like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"

_First P. (with superiority)._ He wouldn't like that--being taken for a
German.

_The S. (solemnly)._ Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a
Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (_hazily_) one word
brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd
_seen_ Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!

_First P._ Well, I won't ask you to do that.

_The S. (firmly)._ Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to
see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton--'e's a
_good_ man, _'e_ is--'e _is_ a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks
'isself about! But if I was to pass _my_ opinion, it 'ud be
this--Killivan's _in_ it for science, he ain't in it to _take_ anything;
you may take that from me!

_First P._ (_objecting to be treated as an_ ingenu). It's not the first
time I've heard of it, by a long way.

_The S._ Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (_putting his hand on
First P.'s knee_). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?

_First P. (his dignity a little ruffled)._ I will--if it's anything in
reason.

_The S._ It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this--Sulton
_brought_ Killivan _out_. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I
_know_ this myself--one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey
way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present
moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!

_First P. (axiomatically)._ Every man's a mug who turns a good business
up.

_The S._ Yer right! And (_moralising_) it ain't _all_ 'oney with that
sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put
to the test, you're not a moneyed man--no more than I am myself?

_First P. (not altogether flattered)._ Well--that's as _may_ be.

_The S._ But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't
_know_ yer.

_First P. (modestly)._ I used to be in it at one time.

_The S. (confidentially)._ I'm in it _now_. I don't get my livin' by it,
though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am--to a certain extent. I've been
in America. _There's_ a country now--they don't over-tax like they do
'ere!

_First P. (sympathetically)._ There you _'ave_ touched a point--we're
taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is
charged----

_The S._ Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer
myself.

_First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and
condescension)._ There you are, then.

_The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe)._ I 'ope
I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?

_First P._ Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where _I_
go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another--you're setting your
coat alight.

_The S._ I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing
so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as
I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but
I can go into company where they _are_, d'ye _see_?

_First P. (shortly)._ _I_ see.

_The S. (with fresh misgivings)._ You'll excuse me if I've taken a
libbaty with yer!

_First P. (with a stately air)._ We settled all that just now.

_The S. (after a scrutiny)._ I tell yer what my idear of _you_ is--that
you're a _Toff!_

_First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily)._ No,
no--there's nothing of the toff about _me!_

_The S. (defiantly)._ Well, you're a _gentleman_, anyway?

_First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable)._ We can all of us be that,
so long as we behave ourselves.

_The S. (much pleased by this sentiment)._ Right agen! give us yer
'and--if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take
a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be
settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of
us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without
they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't _like_ that!

_First P. (shifting about)._ Quite so--quite so, of course!

_The S._ Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could
take _my_ part!

_First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment)._ I--I
hope we'll keep off that.

_The S. (devoutly)._ So do I! _I_ 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer
never know what may bring it on--and there it is, d'ye see! You and me
might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my
day. Do you doubt my word?--if so, say it to my face!

_First P._ I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.

_The S._ I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me
in a word! If you're _bent_ on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's
all I can tell you!

_First P. (giving himself up for lost)._ But I'm _not_ bent on a
row--qu--quite otherwise!

_The S._ You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put
_up_, I'm--'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?

_First P. (eagerly)._ Yes--make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on
this line!

_The S. (completely mollified)._ Then I'll say good-bye to yer.
(_Tenderly._) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.

_First P._ We--we'll hope so--good day to you, wish you luck!

_The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I 'ope you
don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I _never_ fall out----

[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train
moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of
relief._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NOT QUITE UP TO DATE

_Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don't know if it'd
make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave
a fallen down!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL

_Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two
dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come
back!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IN THE UNDERGROUND

_Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in
the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a
wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "TOUT VIENT A QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"

Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied
violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-class
passengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified
lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"

_Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine
mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away
y' go!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE

_Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"

_Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I'm the clerk."

_Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for
London?"

_Boy._ "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and
sometimes another."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN

He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station
being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the
operation.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got
into a smoking compartment)._ "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope,
mum?"

_Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!"

_Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S

_(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_

SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female
Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._

_Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train,
so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.

_Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask
"if you are any lady's husband?"

_Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!

_Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given
to understand that all bachelors are miserable.

_Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?

_Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster.

_Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?

_Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else.

_Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking
compartment.

_Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.

_Male T._ Why! don't _you_ object to a cigar?

_Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!

  [_Red fire and tobacco._

_Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a
correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.

_Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married!

_Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can
receive me as somebody's betrothed.

_Fem. T. (regardless of grammar)._ Who's somebody?

_Male T. (smiling)._ Think of your own name.

_Fem. T._ What next?

_Male T._ Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in
exchange. (_Train arrives at a station._)

_Guard (without)._ All change!

  [_And later on they do._

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A NON-SEQUITUR

_Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare)._ "I suppose
now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"

_Shoeblack._ "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch
a train, gives me sixpence!"

  [_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards,
couldn't see the connection._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE TWOPENNY TUBE

"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"

"No; all our tickets are alike."

"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING

_Stout Party (rather hot)._ "Hope you don't find the breeze too much,
sir?"

_Fellow Passenger._ "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SKYLIGHT VIEW--A RAILWAY STATION]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage)._ "Don't
you keep a brush for that work, porter?"

_Porter._ "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're
allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [_Hint taken._]

       *       *       *       *       *

IN A SLOW TRAIN

  "Look out for squalls"--on land or sea--
    Where duty or where pleasure calls,
  A golden rule it seems to be,
          Look out for squalls.

  Yet in a train that slowly crawls
    Somehow it most appeals to me.
  For then sometimes, it so befalls,

    An infant on its mother's knee
  In my compartment Fate installs--
    Which makes a nervous man, you see,
          Look out for squalls!

       *       *       *       *       *

RAILWAY MAXIMS

(_Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company_)

Delays are dangerous.

A train in time saves nine.

Live and let live.

After a railway excursion, the doctor.

Do not halloo till you are out of the train.

Between two trains we fall to the ground.

Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.

A director is known by the company he keeps.

A railway train is the thief of time.

There is no place like home--but the difficulty is to get there.

The farther you go, the worse is your fare.

It's the railway pace that kills.

The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many
lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."

A railway is long, but life is short--and generally the longer a
railway, the shorter your life.

       *       *       *       *       *

A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.--_Disappointed Porter (to Mate)._ I
thought you said he was a gentleman.

_Mate._ No, that's where you mistook me. _I_ said he was a gent.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Sylvanus._ "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we
manage it with a drag now and then!"

_Urbanus._ "Oh--er--yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Porter._ "Now, marm, will you please to move, or was
you corded to your box?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THERE BE LAND RATS"

_Jack Ashore._ "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go
and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these
railway stations, I've heard!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY--ON THE INNER CIRCLE

_Guard._ "Where are you for?"

_Old Gent._ "I'm oright--Edgware Road."

_Guard._ "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three
times!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS

We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by
railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can
tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The
following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway
potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. He
calls:

To the Third Class.--_Fortissime._--"Tickets, tickets; come get
your tickets ready."

To the Second Class.--_Forte._--"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready,
gents."

To the First Class.--_Piano._--"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if
you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE H GRATUITOUS

_Lady._ "Can I book through from here to Oban?"

_Well-educated Clerk (correcting her)._ "Holborn, you mean. No; but you
can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.

_By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached
to any servants of the company)_

        Collisions four
        Or five she bore,
  The signals wor in vain;
        Grown old and rusted,
        Her biler busted,
  And smash'd the Excursion Train.
        "Her End Was Pieces."

       *       *       *       *       *

EPITAPH FOR A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--"His life was spent on pleasant lines."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MUDDLEBY JUNCTION

_Overworked Pointsman (puzzled)._ "Let's see!--there's the 'scursion'
were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the
'mineral,'--no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'--or the 'cattle.' No!
that were after,--cattle's shunting now. Let's see!--fast train came
through at----Con-found!--and here comes 'the express' afore its time,
and blest if I know which line she's on!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TEA IN TEN MINUTES

(A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION)

AIR--"_Thee, Thee, only Thee_"

  Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,
  And longingly we've long been thinking
        Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
  The marble slabs we gather round.
    They're long in bringing what is wanted,
  The china cup with draught em-brown'd,
    Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted
        By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!

  Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!
  Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.
        Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!
  At last! The infusion's rayther dark.
    But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!
  One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!
    Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!
        Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

  More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!
  Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!
        "Take your seats, please!" Can't _touch_ the Tea!
  Cup to the carriage must not take;
    Crockery may be lost, or broken;
  Refreshment sharks are wide awake.
    But--many a naughty word is spoken
        O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES

_Head Barmaid._ "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt--been on the
counter for a fortnight! _Would_ you mind taking them into the
_second-class_ refreshment-room?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A LUSUS MACHINER--AE

_Chatty Passenger._ "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx
cats, is it not?"

_Crusty Porter (shortly)._ "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!"

_Passenger (puzzled)._ "E--h--I don't understand----"

_Porter._ "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down
metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and----"

_Passenger (enlightened)._ "Ah!--I see--jus' so----"

  [_Retires under cover of newspaper._

       *       *       *       *       *

RAILWAY COMPANIONS

(_By a Disagreeable Traveller_)

I.

I have come to the conclusion that the railway train exercises a
sinister influence upon the human race. Persons who are tolerable--or
even welcome--in ordinary daily life, become peculiarly obnoxious so
soon as they enter the compartment of a train. No fairy prince ever
stepped into a railway train--assuming he favoured that means of
locomotion--without being transformed straightway into a Beast, and even
Beauty herself could not be distinguished from her disagreeable
sisters--in a train.

Speaking for myself, railway travelling invariably brings to the surface
all my worst qualities.

My neighbour opposite hazards some remark. I feel immediately a fit of
taciturnity coming over me, and an overpowering inclination to retreat
behind a fortification of journals and magazines. On the other hand, say
that I have exhausted my stock of railway literature--or, no remote
possibility, that the literature has exhausted me--then I make a casual
remark about the weather. The weather is not usually considered a
controversial topic: in railway trains, however, it becomes so.

"Rain! not a bit," says a passenger in the far corner, evidently
meditating a walking tour, and he views me suspiciously as if I were a
rain-producer.

"And a good thing too," remarks the man opposite. "It's wanted badly, I
tell you, sir--very badly. It's all very well for you holiday folk,"
&c., &c.

And all this bad feeling because of my harmless well-intentioned remark.

The window is up. "Phew!... stuffy," says the man opposite. "You don't
mind, I hope, the window--eh?" "Not in the least," I say, and conceive a
deadly hatred for him. I know from experience that directly that window
is down all the winds of heaven will conspire to rush through, bearing
upon them a smoky pall. I resign myself, therefore, to possible
bronchitis and inflammation of the eye. Schoolboys, I may remark by the
way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice
of looking out of window in a tunnel--and, of course, _nothing_ ever
happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment
is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together
like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van.

The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir,
that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my
part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an
oven.

But there are worse companions even than these, of whom I must speak
another time.

II.

I have known people thoughtlessly speak well of the luncheon-basket. In
my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human
nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is
to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a
man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith
assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are
hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? High imagination
most certainly, otherwise he would never call that red fluid by the name
of claret.

No, it is to the social rather than to the gastronomic influence of the
luncheon-basket that I wish to advert.

Once I procured a luncheon-basket and with it came the demon of
discontent and suspicion, converting three neutral people into deadly
enemies.

One was a pale young man who had been scowling over Browning and making
frantic notes on the margin of the book. Personally, I don't think it
quite decent for pale young men to improve their minds in a public
conveyance--but at any rate he had seemed harmless. Now he raised his
eyes and viewed me with undisguised contempt. "Wretched glutton," he
said in effect, and when accidentally I burned my mouth with mustard
(which a sudden swerve had sent meandering in a yellow stream across the
chicken and ham), he gave a sneering, callous smile, which reminded me
that a man may smile and smile and be a--railway companion.

I verily believe that youth to be capable of any crime, even Extension
lecturing.

Then there was a young lady reading a sixpenny Braddon, who viewed me as
if I were some monster; when I shut my eyes and gulped off
some--er--claret, she brought biscuits and lemonade from a small bag and
refreshed herself with ostentatious simplicity, as if to say, "Look upon
_this_ picture and on the wine-bibbing epicurean in the corner." An old
lady with her was more amply provided for (old ladies usually take more
care of their insides than anyone else in creation), but although she
munched sandwiches and washed them down with sherry (probably sweet,
ugh!) luxuriously, she looked with pious horror at my plates and dishes
spread out. I _might_ have said, "Madam, I eat frankly and openly; my
resources may be viewed by all. Your secret and delusive bags have
limitless resources that you are ashamed to show."

I didn't say so; but the restraint placed on myself quite spoilt the
lunch. No more baskets.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A FORTIORI

_Ticket Collector._ "Now, then, make haste! Where's your ticket?"

_Bandsman (refreshed)._ "Au've lost it!"

_Ticket Collector._ "Nonsense! Feel in your pockets. Ye cannot hev lost
it!"

_Bandsman._ "Aw cannot? Why, man, au've lost the _big drum!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "JUST OUT!"--(AT ALL THE LIBRARIES)

_First Young Lady._ "How did you like _Convict Life_, dear?"

_Second Young Lady._ "Pretty well. We've just begun _Ten Years' Penal
Servitude_. Some of us like it, but----"

_Old Lady (mentally)._ "Good gracious! What dreadful creatures! So
young, too!"

[_Looks for the communicating cord!_]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RATHER SUSPICIOUS

_First Passenger._ "Had pretty good sport?"

_Second Passenger._ "No--very poor. Birds wild--rain in torrents--dogs
no use. 'Only got fifty brace!"

_First Passenger._ "'Make birds dear, won't it?"

_Second Passenger ("off his guard")._ "You're right. I assure you I paid
three-and-sixpence a brace all round at Norwich this morning!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR

_Young Lady (who has never travelled by this line before)._ "Do you go
to Kew Gardens?"

_Booking-Clerk._ "Sometimes on a Sunday, miss, on a summer's
afternoon!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A NEW RACE IN AFRICA.
 Arrival of the Uganda express.
(Twenty minutes ahead of time.)]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY STATION

_Lady._ "I want one ticket--first!" _Clerk._ "Single?" _Lady._ "Single!
What does it matter to you, sir, whether I'm single or not?
Impertinence!"

  [_Clerk explains that he meant single or return, not t'other thing._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TWO VIEWS OF IT

_Brown._ "Shockin' thing! You heard of poor Mullins getting his neck
broken in that collision!"

_Jones._ "Ah!--it's as-tonishing how lucky some fellows are! He told me
'last time I saw him he'd just insured his life for three thous'd
poun's!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: INJURED INNOCENCE

"Hulloa! _You've_ no call to be in here! _You_ haven't got a fust-class
ticket, _I_ know."

"No! I hain't!"

"Well, come out! This ain't a third-class carriage!"

"_Hain't_ it? Lor! Well I thought it _wos, by the look of the
passingers!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Guard._ "Some one been smoking, I think?"

_Passenger._ "What! Smoking! That's very reprehensible. Perhaps it was
the clerical gentleman who has just got out of the next compartment."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "NEM. CON.!"

_Chatty Passenger (on G. W. Railway)._ "How plainly you can see the
lights of Hanwell from the railway!"

_Silent Man (in the corner)._ "Not half so plain as the lights of the
train look from Hanwell!"

  [_All change at the next station._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RECIPROCAL

_Sporting Gentleman._ "Well, sir, I'm very pleased to have made your
acquaintance, and had the opportunity of hearing a Churchman's views on
the question of tithes. Of course, as a country landowner, I'm
interested in Church matters, and----"

_The Parson._ "Quite so--delighted, I'm sure. Er--by the bye, could you
tell me _what's won to-day_?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RAILWAY LITERATURE

_Bookstall Keeper._ "Book, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. Here's a popular work by
an eminent surgeon, just published, 'Broken Legs: and How to Mend Them':
or, would you like the last number of _The Railway Operator_?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SATISFACTORY

_Bumptious Old Gent (in a directorial tone)._ "Ah, guard--what are
we--ah--waiting for?"

_Guard (with unconcern)._ "Waiting for the train to go on, sir!"
  [_Old Gent retires._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL

_First Passenger._ "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch
coves as travels without tickets."

_Second Passenger._ "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, _I_ can travel
as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a
'apenny!"

_Detective._ "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me
how you do it."

_Second Passenger (after pocketing the half-crown)._ "Well,--when I
wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'--_I walks!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE

_Cousin Madge._ "Well, good-bye, Charlie. So many thanks for taking care
of us!"

_Charlie._ "_Not at all!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

VOCES POPULI

II.

ON THE PLATFORM

_A Lady of Family._ Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear.
I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.

  [_Looks out for an empty third-class compartment._

EN ROUTE

_The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner,
next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an
Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner._

_The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family)._ Sorry to disturb you, mum,
but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.

_The L. of F._???!!!

_The E. M. (considerately)._ Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no
intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.

_The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.)._ I think I've seen you about
Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?

_The L. of F._ It is very possible. I have been staying with some
friends in the neighbourhood.

_The C. W._ It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but
(_confidentially_) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a
place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single
'am an' beef shop?

_The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the
question)._ What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, _dear_
me! No ham and beef shop!

_The C. W._ It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've
noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever
so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's
notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?

_The L. of F. (faintly)._ I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.

_A Sententious Man._ Fried fish is very sustaining.

  [_Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey._

_The Eccentric Man._ Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was
kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad
'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind
man, my father (_to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly_), though you
wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he
wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(_the L. of F. looks out of
window_)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I
am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (_Hands that document
round for inspection._) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (_To the L.
of F._) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry,
and there's good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite passages
with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that's_ my name.

  [_The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she
  can bring herself to assume._

_The Eccentric Man._ D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there?
That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went
to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. of
F., who listens unwillingly._) It's wonderful how many of our family
have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died
cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days
when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at
all out of the way, you'll know what it is.

  [_L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage
are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from
his Fiancee as the L. of F. takes her seat._

_The Fiance._ Excuse me one moment, ma'am.

(_Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window._)

Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.

_The Fiancee (with a hysterical giggle)._ Oh, I'll take care o' _my_
self.

  [_Looks at the roof of the carriage._

_He (with meaning)._ No more pickled onions, eh?

_She._ What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my
love to Joe.

_He._ All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (_they embrace
loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of
mingled sentiment and complacency_). Oh, (_to L. of F._) if you don't
mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between
this and Friday, just tell him as----

  [_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;_

_Final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiance upon
the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar
significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who
is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds
with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the
rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiance._

_The F._ Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you----

  [_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to
  hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it
  on. The L. of F. recoils in horror._

_Both Seafarers (reassuringly)._ It's _wine_, mum!

  [_Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class
humanity has its drawbacks._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus)._
"What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"

_Porter._ "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their
train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE BRANCH STATION

_Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially
since the late outrages)._ "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where
there are ladies, or respectable people, or----"

_Porter._ "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only
passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A COOL CARD

_Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party)._ "Aw--would
you--aw--do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while
we're wunning down?--I've--aw--forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising
your voice--I'm pwecious deaf!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!

_Boy._ "Second-class, sir?"

_Captain._ "I nevah travel second-class!"

_Boy._ "This way third, sir!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ART!

_Chatty Passenger._ "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o'
mine,--lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,--give the horder to one of
'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!--'spare no
expense!--with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know
what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe
it!--after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at
all!--but done by 'and!"--(_with withering contempt_)--"done by 'and,
sir!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER

(_Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!_)

_First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing)._ "I saw
poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things,
what will be done for 'em?" _Second Shunter (at points)._ "Oh, the usual
thing, I s'ppose--company's blessin', and a charity mangle!----Look
out, mate! She's backin'!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BEHIND TIME

_Ticket Collector._ "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf
ticket!" _Mother (down upon him)._ "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now,
mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many
hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"

  [_Exit in triumph._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "FORCE OF HABIT"

_Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of
the beadle)._ "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WHY TAKE A CHILL?

If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as
Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at
your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as
they did--warm as muffins!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Now then, sir! by your leave!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.

SCENE.--A Richmond Railway Carriage.

TIME.--About 12 noon.

_Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring)._ Hot, sir,
tremendously hot.

_Cool Young Party._ It is warm.

_C. O. G._ Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98 deg. in the
shade!

_C. Y. P._ Really! is that much?

_C. O. G._ Much, sir! Immense!

_C. Y. P._ Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.

_C. O. G._ Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by
saying it is right, sir?

_C. Y. P._ I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the
shade as it can in this warm weather.

  [_Choleric Old Gentleman collapses._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: QUITE UNIMPORTANT.

_Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has
just helped to alight)._ "I beg your pardon?"

_Haughty Damsel._ "I did not speak!"

_Thompson._ "Oh--I thought you said 'Thanks'!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer,
Janet." "Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of
window, I dare say nobody will come in!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION

_Groom._ "Beg pardon, sir,--but wos your name Tomkins?" _Tomkins._
"Yes!" _Groom._ "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry
as he couldn't send the feeaton--but, as his young 'oss wanted
exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"

  [_Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration._]

       *       *       *       *       *

SUBURBAN HOSPITALITY.

SCENE--_A mile and a half to the railway
station, on a bitter winter's night._

_Genial Host (putting his head out of doors)._ Heavens! what a night!
Not fit to turn a dog out! (_To the parting guest._) Well, good-night,
old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A LUXURIOUS HABIT

_Philanthropist (to railway porter)._ "Then what time do you get to
bed?"

_Porter._ "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause
o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further
down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and
never----"

[_Train rushes in, and the parties rush off._]

       *       *       *       *       *

HARD LINES ON INDIVIDUALS.--The compulsory purchase of land by a
railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the
seller's face.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE ROLL OF THE AGES."--The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"

_Irate Passenger (as train is moving off)._ "Why the ---- didn't you put
my luggage in as I told you--you old ----"

_Porter._ "E--h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i'
the wrang train!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages,
sir!"

_Countryman._ "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak'
un oot then, young man!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PORTER'S SLAM

[A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by
the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]

  The porter has a patent "slam,"
    Which smites one like a blow,
  And everywhere that porter comes
    That "slam" is sure to go.
  It strikes upon the tym-pa-num
    Like shock of dynamite;
  By day it nearly makes you dumb--
    It deafens you at night.
  When startled by the patent "slam"
    The pious "pas-sen-jare,"
  Says something else that ends in "am"
    (Or he has patience rare).
  Not only does it cause a shock,
    But--Manchester remarks--
  "Depreciates the rolling stock,"
    Well, that is rather larks!
  _That's_ not the point. The porter's slam
    Conduces to insanity,
  And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,
    Drives men to loud profanity.
  If Manchester the "slam" can stay
    By raising of a stir,
  All railway-travellers will say,
    "Bully for Man-ches-ter!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849

A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.]

MR. PIPS HIS DIARY

_Tuesday, July 31, 1849._--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to
Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked
more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do
think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid
and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her
though I do not care 2_d._ about her! But am mightily troubled to know
whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat
uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and
vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me
altogether _L_6 2_s._ 6_d._ To the Great Western station in a cab, by
reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and
bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone
there for 2_s._ 6_d._ less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the
first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and
the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it
is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the
carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle
off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty
lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my
wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for
her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us,
I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till one got in at
Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with
him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by
gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains
and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage,
and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do
mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So
to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment,
and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite,
notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the
refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling,
and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served
first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a
veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a
mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout!
Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a
start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half
of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the
train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of
a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of
railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world
altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and
to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but
thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon
station.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NARCISSUS

_Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer)._ "Oh, I'm
not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty
gals."

Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll
soon have a carriage-full."

  [Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him
over to the station)._ "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this
accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and
if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"

_Guest._ "It's very kind of you to----"

_Hosts._ "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with
you, and--seen the last of you----!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SMALL POTATOES.--_Q._ Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush
and City Railway like certain vegetables?

_A._ Because they're "Tubers."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: INOPPORTUNE

_Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train)._ "Buy a
comic paper, sir?"

  [_Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry._]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TYMPANUM

(_A Remonstrance at a Railway Station_)

  The tympanum! The tympanum!
  Oh! who will save the aural drum
  By softening to some gentler squeak
  The whistle's shrill _staccato_ shriek?
  Oh! Engine-driver, did you know
  How your blast smites one like a blow,
  An inward shock, a racking strain,
  A knife-like thrust of poignant pain,
  Whilst groping through the tunnel murk
  You would not with that fiendish jerk
  Let out that _sudden_ blast of steam
  Whose screaming almost makes _us_ scream
  Thy whistle weird perchance may be
  A sad and sore necessity,
  But cannot Law and sense combine
  To--well, in short to draw the line?--
  Across the open let it shrill
  From moor to moor, from hill to hill,
  But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,
  The station's cramped reverberant room,
  A gentler, _graduated_ blast!
  _Do_ let it loose, whilst dashing past,
  So shall it spare us many a pang;
  That dread explosive bursting "bang"
  Which nearly splits the aural drum,
  The poor long-suffering tympanum!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE BLOCK SYSTEM"

_Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk--morning express just due)._ "No, I'm
not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you
please; and can you tell me"--(_Shouts from the crowd_, "Now then,
mum!")--"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's
'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know,
'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it.
But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to
get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know,
when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the
trains--and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no
hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn----"

  [_Bell rings. Position stormed._]

       *       *       *       *       *

WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL

Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this
excursion season.

Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to
start without somebody or other exclaiming, "_Now_ we're off!"

Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in
particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.

Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any
station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding
him.

Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such
increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being
broken.

Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on
his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass,
and the temperature of the tropics.

Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have
never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in _Bradshaw_.

Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the
very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the
ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants
of the company.

Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a
week by the benevolence of passengers.

Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents,
supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.

Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so
redhilly accessible by railway.

TO THE STATION.

Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.

Wonder if that church clock is right.

Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the
station.

THE STATION.

Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.

Wonder if I shall see him again.

Wonder if I shall know him when I _do_ see him again.

Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.

Wonder where I take my ticket.

Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.

Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.

Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.

Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.

Wonder where my luggage is.

Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in
the cab.

Wonder which is my train.

Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the
writing-case.

Wonder if it _will_ be "all right" as the guard says it will be.

Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper
van.

Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.

Wonder if they've got the _Times_ of the day before yesterday, which I
haven't seen.

Wonder if _Punch_ of this week is out yet.

Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.

Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.

Wonder if that's our bell for starting.

Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to
know it again.

Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage
for me.

Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.

Wonder where they've put my luggage.

THE JOURNEY.

Wonder if my change is all right.

Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.

Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.

Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove
off rapidly.

Wonder if any one objects to smoking.

Wonder that nobody does.

Wonder where I put my lights.

Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.

Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter
or left it in the cab.

Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.

Wonder that nobody has.

Wonder when we can get some.

Wonder if there's anything in the paper.

Wonder why they don't cut it.

Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.

Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c.

Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.

Wonder where I put my ticket.

Wonder where I _could_ have put my ticket.

Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.

Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.

Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.

Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.

Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better
lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that,
too. We all wonder.

Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.

Wonder if we're going off the line.

Wonder what station we stop at first.

Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.

Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the
porter, or left it in the cab.

Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.

Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.

FIRST STATION.

Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.

Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.

Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.

Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.

Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.

Wonder where the refreshment-room is.

Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to
where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get
back to my own carriage.

Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of the eight trains, on any of
the eight lines, will come in suddenly.

REFRESHMENT-ROOM.

Wonder what's the best thing to take.

Wonder whether soup's a good thing.

Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my
mind, and will have some tea.

Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea,
twice.

Wonder if those buns are stale.

Wonder if tea goes well with buns.

Wonder what _does_ go with buns.

Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to
ask for sherry.

Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.

Wonder if that's our bell for starting.

Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says
I've got exactly a minute and a half.

Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.

Wonder if that _is_ our bell.

Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.

Wonder how much tea and buns come to.

Wonder where I put my small change.

Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without
paying.

Wonder they don't keep change ready.

Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in
suddenly.

THE PLATFORM.

Wonder which is my carriage.

Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for
the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to
wonder at that.

Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet
anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.

Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my
change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my
carriage.

Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.

Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.

THE CARRIAGE.

Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from
people crossing the rails in a large station.

Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.

Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself
comfortable.

Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.

Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever
had one.

Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best
pocket for keeping tickets in.

Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.

THE JOURNEY (CONTINUED).

Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.

Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room
and get the change out of my half-crown.

Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He
wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on
wondering.

Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite
neighbour wonders if it does.

Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.

Wonder what's the matter.

Wonder what it is.

Wonder what it _can_ be.

Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.

Wonder if the engine has broken down.

Wonder if there's anything on the line.

Wonder if the express is behind us.

Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.

Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.

Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a
guard.

Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.

THE JOURNEY (CONCLUDED).

Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking
away with him.

Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.

Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.

Wonder where their house is.

Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.

Wonder what a fly will charge.

Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an
omnibus.

Wonder what time they dine.

Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.

Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard,
or left it in the cab.

Wonder if I _did_ leave it in the cab.

Wonder if this is where I get out.

SMALL STATION.

Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon,
it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or
Morley Vale, the next but one.

Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.

Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back
for my luggage to Morley Vale.

Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.

STONNHURST.

Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.

Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.

Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.

Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.

Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way
place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.

Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley
Vale.

Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.

Wonder which _is_ the road.

Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.

Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.

Wonder what I can have done with it.

Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out
my lights.

Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SCENE--_Chancery Lane "Tube" Station._

_First Lift Man._ "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of
a chinge!"

_Second Lift Man._ "What's up, then?"

_First Lift Man (in impressive tones)._ "Got shifted to the
_Bank_--beginnin' Monday!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FOND DELUSION

_First Tourist (going north)._ "Hullo, Tompk----"

_Second Ditto (ditto, ditto)._ "Hsh----sh! Confound it, you'll spoil
all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FOR LADIES ONLY

"RESERVED CARRIAGES." (_See "Day by Day" in "Daily News"_)

"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the
ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump
into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink
at each other and a very objectionable grin."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A DISENCHANTMENT

_Northern Croesus._ "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke
Brown. The fact is, I've a _commission_ for you!"

_Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture)._ "All
right--most happy--what is it to be?"

_Northern Croesus._ "Well--my aged grandmother is going to London by
this train--and I want to put her under your protection."

[_Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON

_Traveller._ "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of
security about it I rather like." (_Yawns._) "Any chance of a smash
to-day!?"

[_Drops off to sleep!_]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: JUDGING BY APPEARANCES

_Undersized Youth._ "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp!
How much?"

_Clerk._ "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: COLD COMFORT

_Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late)._ "Porter,
when do you expect that train to come in?"

_Porter._ "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more
sure 'tis to come in the next minute."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"

OUR ARTIST'S NOTION OF WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IF THE SUGGESTION WERE ADOPTED

The saloon is  Patent swing      Rattles can  Efficient nurse  The saloon
fitted with    sleeping cradles  be obtained  guards, to look  is fitted
refreshment    can be secured    at most of   after the        with amusing
bar, replete   by wire or        the large    babies, travel   toys, to
with all baby  letter.           stations.    by all trains.   beguile
delicacies.                                                    the tedium
                                                               of long
                                                               journeys.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RAILWAY PUZZLE

To find the name of the station.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: VICARIOUS!

(_On the Underground Railway_)

_Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late)._ "Confound and
D----!"

_Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it)._ "Oh,
thank you, _so_ much!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNDERGROUND RAILWAY

_Old Lady._ "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency
would think of going down _that_ way to it."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: REGULAR IRREGULARITY

_Passenger (in a hurry)._ "Is this train punctual?"

_Porter._ "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost
difficulty, succeeded in catching train)._ "Phew! Just saved it by
t'skin o' my _teeth_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"

_Impudent Boy (generally)._ "Try yer weight--only a penny!" (_To lady of
commanding proportions in particular._) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a
hounce, mum!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE
CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.

_First Artist._ "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."

_Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper)._ "Well, I was at Stodge's
yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads--horrid raw
things--a dealer came in, sir--bought 'em directly--took 'em away, wet
as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some
more next week."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NECESSITIES OF LIFE

"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent
on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the
bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue,
the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's
betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick--and if
I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first
station we stop at."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A STRIKING ATTITUDE

Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER

_Diner._ "Ticket."

_Clerk._ "What station?"

_Diner._ "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"

_Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the
end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the
signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy
perplexity, suddenly)._ "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket.
How much?"

"Fourpence-halfpenny--threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for
yourself."

"Ah! you reckon by _legs_ on this line."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE QUESTION SETTLED

_Mrs. M-l-pr-p._ "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions
would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A NEEDLESS PANIC.--Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean
when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it
has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference
shares.

       *       *       *       *       *

THOUGHT BY A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--Britannia used to rule the waves. She
now rules the land--with lines.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE OLD HALL]

(_A Story of Delusive Aspirations_)

1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an
elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter,"
said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old
hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man--probably duke! Should like
to cultivate him!"

2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said.
"Why--er--n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the
stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah--armour,
and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones
to himself.

3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the
ins and outs of it. I can put you up----" "Really very good of you!"
exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept----" "Put you up to no
hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.

4. They alighted at the terminus. "There--there's my old hall! Hain't it
a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a
groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.

       *       *       *       *       *

RULES FOR THE RAIL

A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS

The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the
railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention
of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in
connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the
year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.

1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst
the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not
apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on
to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.

2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty
minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.

3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these
officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only.
During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may
suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue
running by day and by night as heretofore.

4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them.
He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order
one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The
child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.

5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at
the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to
prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.

6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a
station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express
is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling
stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class
passengers.

7. The _debris_ of a train should be removed from the rails before an
express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken
place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to
the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.

8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their
places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly
requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as
the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices
charged to the public for excursion tickets.

9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on
the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.

10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to
leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the
waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into
surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted
with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra
charge will be made to passengers using them.

11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility
conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will
expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind)
any director convicted of travelling by any railway.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES

"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"

"No, my lord."

"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."

"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third
class?"

"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class
tickets are for my lady and me!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have
made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled
railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station,
is the above most alarming placard.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!

_Dodger._ "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my
train!"

_Codger._ "Catch it, you mean."

_Dodger._ "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I
always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta,
ta!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: APRIL 1

_Mamma._ "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You _know
everything_. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."
[_For once the professor is not ready._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNNECESSARY REMARKS

"What! Have you missed it?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "OVERCAST"

They were out for a day in the country--were late at the station--he
left it to her to take the tickets--a horrid crowd--frightfully hot--and
she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the
carriage.

_He (cool and comfortable)._ "How charming the yellow gorse----"

_She (in a withering tone)._ "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I
s'ppose!"

  [_Tacet!_]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE

_Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons)._ "Won't yer make room
for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK

_Railway Gatesman._ "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate
like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer _ladyship_ a
waitin'."

_Noble Countess._ "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"

_Railway Gatesman._ "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo
these ten minutes!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE NEWS"

_Season-Ticket Holder (airily)._ "'Morning, station-master. Anything
fresh?"

_Station-Master ("bit of a wag")._ "N-no, sir, not that I've----
ah!--yes--now I think of it, sir--that's fresh paint you're leaning
agai----!"

[_Violent pas seul, with language to match._]

       *       *       *       *       *

BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE

  The man who got in at Blackfriars
  Was smoking the foulest of briars,
    But it went out all right--
    Could I give him a light?--
  Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars.

  I've frequently noticed the Temple
  Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;
    And that's why I've made
    This verse somewhat blank,
  And rather disregarded the metre.

  How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross?
  It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.
    Some people, of course,
    Would rhyme it with "horse,"
  But I always rhyme it with "hoss."

  A woman at Westminster Bridge
  Had got just a speck on the ridge
    Of her Romanesque nose.
    "It's a black, I suppose,"
  She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge.

  One man from the Park of St. James,
  Had really the loftiest aims;
    In the hat-rack he sat,
    Used my hair as a mat,
  And when I demurred called me names.

  I bought from the stall at Victoria
  A horrible sixpenny story, a
    Book of a kind
    It pained me to find
  For sale at our English emporia.

  I found when I got to Sloane Square
  That my ticket was gone; my despair
    Was awful to see,
    Till at last to my glee
  I looked in my hat--it was there!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A REAL GRIEVANCE

_Porter at Junction._ "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and
not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SO LIKELY!

SCENE--_Bar of a railway refreshment-room._

_Barmaid._ "Tea, sir?"

_Mr. Boozy._ "Tea!!! ME!!!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

AS SHYLOCK SAID.--_Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount._
"Give me my principal, and let me go."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION

_Small Boy._ "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."

[_Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket_

_Clerk._ "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"

_Small Boy (indignantly)._ "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"

_Clerk._ "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS

By breathing on the glass--and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to
the window--you may generally keep your compartment select.]

       *       *       *       *       *

SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE

If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a
name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied
by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the
Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their
wedding-tour.

If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little
trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina
Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.

If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a
tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A. R. A., is going to Brittany in
search of subjects.

If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked
despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced
Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City
hurriedly for Spain.

If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may
know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the
Detective Police) to follow the same _route_ taken by Captain Bubble _en
voyage_ for Spain.

If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with
all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and
covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing
cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and
family are engaged in "doing" Europe.

If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an
old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and
Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.

If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick,
you may know that _Mr. Punch_ is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ADJUSTMENT

_Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a
foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter)._
"Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"

_Old Jinks._ "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water
tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the
way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Passenger._ "Well, you say you've put all my luggage
safe, what are you waiting for?--I thought you were forbidden to take
money!"

_Porter._ "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it--it's 'given to us!'"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE LIMITED MALE.]

       *       *       *       *       *

SONG FOR ENGINE-DRIVERS BEFORE A COLLISION.--"Whistle--and I'll come to
you, my lad."

       *       *       *       *       *

"READING between the lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a
train coming.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE HIGH-METALLED RACER.--A locomotive engine.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A DEFINITION WANTED

"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"

"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MY SEASON TICKET

  Ever against my breast,
  Safe in my pocket pressed,
  Ready at my behest,
    Daintily pretty
  Gilt-printed piece of leather,
  Though fair or foul the weather,
  Daily we go together
    Up to the City.
  Yet, as I ride at ease,
  Papers strewn on my knees,
  And I hear "Seasons, please!"
    Shouted in warning:
  Pockets I search in vain
  All through and through again;
  "Pray do not stop the train--
    Lost it this morning.
  No, I have not a card,
  Nor can I pay you, guard--
  Truly my lot is hard,
    This is the reason,
  Now I recall to mind
  Changing my clothes, I find
  I left them all behind,--
    Money, cards, 'season.'"

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR THE SOUTH-EASTERN COMPANY'S REFRESHMENT ROOMS.--"O Swallow,
Swallow, flying, flying south!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN INQUIRING MIND

"Is this _our_ train, aunty?"

"No, dear."

"Whose train is it?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ["An 'Imperial Railway Administration' is now a part of
Chinese bureaucracy."--_Daily Paper._]

If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the
design of the locomotives, &c., as above.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MASHONALAND RAILWAY

["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging
for the station at that place."--_Daily Telegraph._]

Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FLYING SCOTCHMAN]

       *       *       *       *       *

AT A RAILWAY STATION

  Never the time and the train
    And the station all together!
  My watch--set "fast" in vain!
    Slow cab--and foggy weather!
  I have missed the express again.
  It was all the porter's fault, not mine,
    But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,
  His slowness and red tape combine
    To make him take about a week
    To label my bag--and he dared to speak,
    When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!
    O epithet all incarnadine,
      Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!
                It is simply past
                All bounds--aghast
      My indignation scarce hold I can.
    My watch may have helped to thus mislead,
    My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;
    But still, however these things may be,
    Out there on the platform wrangle we--
    Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,
              --I and he!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SYMPATHY

_Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been
"catching it" from the elder lady)._ "Mother-'n-law?"

_Wilkins (in still fainter whisper)._ "Ye'"

_Passenger._ "'Got just such 'nother!"

  [_They console together at the next buffet._]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE

[Illustration]

The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any
carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the
Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal
blackguardism finds "sanctuary."

The one duty of a guard--as of a watch--is to "keep time." He is not
expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not
bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.

No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then
a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute
can violently force his way into it.

When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities
reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only
necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by
preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment
containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they
will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently
dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for
future operations.

Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in
the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the
faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too
nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and
horse-play of the most offensive character.

The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and
children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some
one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.

To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and
his sympathisers--if any--would be as tedious as superfluous; but the
combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the
Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and
perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into
unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the
frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That
autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and
holloaing, declare that _he_ can't stop to interfere, _his_ business
being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to
"keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing
"_Rule Britannia_" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've
had in the Hunderground."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Ticket Clerk._ "Where for, ma'am?"

_Old Lady._ "There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot. Oh! mister, please
run over a few of the willages on this railway, will yer?"

  [_Bell rings--Old Lady is swept away._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: YE RAILWAY STATION DURING YE HOLIDAY TIME IN YE ROMAN
PERIOD

(From a rare old frieze (not) in ye British Museum)]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "WAR'S ALARMS"

_Timorous Old Lady (in a twitter)._ "Are those cannon balls,
station-master?"

_Station-Master (compassionately)._ "Oh no, mu'm, they're only Dutch
cheeses, 'm', come by the Rotterdam boat last night--that's all, mu'm!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER

A sketch at Aldersgate Street Station]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

TERMINUS TRIOLETS

_At Charing Cross._

  To Paris by the tidal train.
    Here, register this luggage, quick!
  Why, all the world seems going, Jane,
  To Paris by the tidal train.
  It's blowing quite a hurricane;
    I hope, my love, you won't be sick.
  To Paris by the tidal train.
    Here, register this luggage, quick!

_At Euston._

  By Jove, I've run it precious near,
    Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
  Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear,
  By Jove, I've run it precious near.
  Holloa!--that gun-case--hand it here,
    The hat-box in the van can go.
  By Jove, I've run it precious near!
    Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!

_At Liverpool Street._

  Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
    The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
  Oh, policeman, please to let us pass!
  Six wholes, three halves, all second class,
  To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass
    Of people. Do come on, Matilda.
  Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
    The baby, mind, you might have killed her.

_At Victoria._

  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
    Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
  I like to travel at my ease;
  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
  We're running down to breathe the breeze,
    I can't from business go too far.
  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
    Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.

_At Paddington._

  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray;
    Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
  How could he know we're wed to-day?
  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
  My darling, hide that white bouquet;
    My head with champagne fumes is spinning.
  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
    Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?

_At Waterloo._

  Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more;
    You'll write to mother now and then?
  A sign from sea is sweet on shore,
  Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more.
  Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore,
    Red eyes are never meant for men.
  Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more;
    You'll write to mother now and then?

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "The last link is broken that bound me to thee"]

       *       *       *       *       *

BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton

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