text: My wife is always yammering on about how this place is the shit; \"I really don't want to go with you to Lowe's, but as long as you're going to be in the area, can we stop at Chloe's for lunch?\" she asks, with all the countenance of a child begging for candy at a grocer's checkout. \n\nI take my sweet-ass time in Lowe's, knowing full well what lies in store...\nSitting in Chloe's for an hour, watching, as a seemingly endless procession of Scottsdale posers saunter by. All this as I sit there in my grubby work clothes, gnawing on some bunny-food salad my wife suggested. \n\nArrrgh.\n\nI had a Greek salad. It was ok. My wife had the same thing only hers was different than mine. Hers had some secret ingredient that mine didn't. You'd think she'd just had a thirty-minute tantric orgasm the way she carried on.\n\nThe woman seated next to us had a laptop the size of a football field. She pretended to be working as she furtively gave everyone in the joint the once-over. Even me, for shit's sakes. (My 'fashion don't' apparel I suppose.)\n\nLittle did she know how her sneakiness skills were no match for mine.\nI've had a lifetime of checking out women's boobs and never getting caught, even without reflective sunglasses for Christ's sakes. What was SHE thinking?\nI watched as she sat there checking out everyone's shit, feigning interest in her keyboard save for occasionally, whenever anyone sensed she was gawking at them, then she'd begin typing like her life depended on it. \nWhat a douche.\n\nI went home afterward and fixed the smelly-ass garbage disposal, just as my wife had suggested, ahem, instructed, ahem, commanded.\nShe's full of good ideas on Saturdays.