text: I've always kind of wondered exactly what my own personal hell looked like.  As it turns out, it's in Scottsdale!  (Which shouldn't be surprising, because, Scottsdale.  But, still, I am sure there are places in Khartoum and the southern Indian Ocean now ready to up the ante.  Bring it, third world slum bathroom!)\n\nWhy is the Maya Day + Nightclub the image that needs to appear next to the phrase \"fucking awful\" in the dictionary?  I'm glad you asked.\n\nFirst of all, imagine you are really hot.  But you can't go in the pool.  There is a pool.  But you can't go in it.  Why?  Because the frattiest frat guys in for a bachelor party from (pick the Midwestern city) are rolling deep, all up in the pool, with tribal arm tattoos, smoking Parliament Lights, drinking Coors Light, saying things like, \"man, Blake, this is the best.\"  \n\nNot to be outdone, you have the least interesting girl from your high school, all grown up, in a bikini, with five clones, riding around on a banana boat / kayak in said pool, splashing Blake and his bros, drinking vodka sodas.  And all you keep thinking is, God, I would like to hit every last one of these motherfuckers upside the head with a baseball bat.  \n\nThis might as well be a full-fledged reunion for Iowa State University's panhellanic board.  No, wait, Michigan State.  And U of A, man!\n\nThey have a strict \"no jersey\" policy.  Which, of course they do.  And, of course, it has a caveat.  If you have a cabana, you can wear a \"jersey.\"  (I had a cabana!  I could wear a jersey!)\n\nAnd the cabanas.  Jesus Christ on crutches, these things are platforms for every single ex frat bro and sorority girl to just show out while drinking Tito's vodka for hours.  It's like a far tackier version of Vegas.  Which, congratulations for managing to pull that off.  But, also, stop flexing.  No, really.  Just stop.\n\nAnd that is not even getting into the music.  Did you know there is a 20 minute dance remix to Pompeii by Bastile?  While you are trying to wrap your brain around that affront to senses, now imagine it followed up by a 25 minute dance remix to Someone Like You by Adele.  With frat bros on vacation from Milwaukee drinking Miller Light in the background.  While three not at all trashy women shoot super soakers everywhere to the beat of the \"song.\"\n\nI imagine this is the target audience of MTV's Girl Code's proverbial To Kill a Mockingbird.  Someday, someway they will get here.  And, hopefully, by the time they reach 22, they will realize how truly terrible this place is and aspires to be.