text: Have you ever had a caricature drawn of you and a buddy? Did you worry that your enormous nose would be distorted to eight times its normal yet already abundant size? So while your female friend is cute, which you know the lecherous caricature artist will exaggerate, you're going to end up looking like a combination of John Cusack and Adrien Brody.  No? Me either. \n\nBut Martini Ranch should be worried. If caricatured, this little \"I'm everything to everybody\" bar/club would have a pretty embarrassing picture to put on the wall at home when they get back from Disneyland. \n\nBut it's fun. Fuck. I go and I have a good time. Who can argue with that? \n\nThey have to fire that door guy. You know the one. The one when you have an event scheduled there and he sees eighty people in a new separate line getting off the bus and he wasn't told about it and won't let you in and won't be bothered to get the manager who happens to know about the event.  The same guy who wouldn't let me in the other night because he wouldn't check the list so I had to get my friend to come out and have him check the list. Same freakin' guy. What is his deal? How seriously does he take this life? IT'S MARTINI RANCH!\n\nBut Metalhead is rad. The place is packed on a Sunday night. Love it. \n\nThere's always a fight in the upstairs club. Set your watch by it. \n\nThe patio is a beautiful reprieve, like the end of an unknown warm up act at a concert. \n\nDrink prices are reasonable. \n\nA funny thing happened on the way to the Coliseum, too... I was out with two of my hockey buddies one time at MR and 1) a woman gasped and called me a d-bag in earnest after I said something about her friend 2) some other chicks totally alloted their drunken attention to my friend and not me... Mind boggling. \n\nSo they lose one star for the door guy and one for allowing women to enter who don't immediately gravitate towards me.