text: Hell, that's nothing! I'm a conservative Repubican from the great state of Texas. I used to get really drunk while I was in college, but my Dad always managed to "take care of it". Even when I was into drugs, he kept it all covered up so that I could continue my path toward public service. Then I joined the Reserves, but only because I thought it would be cool to fly a jet plane. So my Dad arranged that, and then saw to it that I could get out of any real 'military service' since I was too busy bilking investors out of millions of dollars. My brothers might not have killed a movie star, but one of them caused the infamous Silverado Savings & Loan scandal; my other brother helped me steal an election (or two) with fraudulent voting 'chads' and irregularities in how those votes were tabulated. Then my Dad's influence with Supreme Court justices helped me go on to become the best damn president this country ever's seen! I enjoy hanging out with my capitalist buddies and planning how to illegally invade sovereign nations just so we can grab all the oil underneath their sands and make me, my buddy Big Dick, and all our cowboy friends richer and richer and richer.\nWhat the heck, we've killed tens of thousands of Iraqi women and children, and more than 2,500 American soldiers, but like my buddy Donnie Rumsfeld once said at a news conference, "Stuff Happens." \nI've single-handedly put this country trillions of dollars in debt, while playing "Robin Hood in Reverse" (that's where we take from the poor and give it all to the rich). \nWith the help of a pliable, cowardly, corrupt U.S. Congress, I've dismantled the U.S. Constitution, destroyed all environmental-impact laws and regulations that were designed to keep our fragile ecology in place, and turned this country into a police state where citizens are considered guilty until proven innocent in a rigged court of law.\nSmall countries all over the Earth are now terrified of the U.S., and are considering their own nuclear weapons programs just to defend themselves against the globe's newest "evil empire' - the United States of America!\nI condonded all of my friend Donnie Rumsfeld's unspeakable terror, torture tactics, abuse and murder until the damn press got wind of it all. Then I put on my best actors' face and told gullible Americans that I think it was unconscionable. Ya' gotta love Ronald Reagan for writin' the Republican manual on great acting!\nI watch out for my wealthy elitist friends, lobbyists, special interest groups and huge corporations that can all make generous (if not illegal) contributions to help keep the GOP in power. Meanwhile, we like to neglect the needs of the poor, the aged, the homeless, the disabled, the underprivileged, and the unemmployed. Why should those scumbags think they have a right to live in America anyway?\nI've pretty much accomplished everything my Dad and Big Dick told me to do, all without much accountability or remorse. But, then I've lived the life of a spoiled rich kid who never had to take any responsibility for his actions. I just wish I could find an intern in the White House with whom I could have oral sex (of course, she'd have to proclaim to be a born-again Christian).\nI'm not sure whether I should retire from public office of wait until I'm impeached or tried for high treason and crimes against humanity. \nBig Dick and Donnie say there's a special oil-soaked corner of Hell that Satan's reserved just for us where we can spend our eternal damnation blaming each other for what a mess we made of the world. \nAnd, maybe, if you're as confused and drunk as you are right now, we can have a drink and talk about our differences. Just make sure I'm within earshot of Big Dick so he can tell me exactly what to say. Ain't politics great? It don't matter whether you're a Republican or a Democra