text: It's not the physical age so much. I just turned 40. It's been  real bummer actually. I felt I should be much farther in life than I am. I also feel the clock ticking louder than ever. I don't want to live to be 80 at least the way most 80 year olds live. 70 is probably older than I want or have any realistic hope of achieving. I grew up fast and grew up hard. Most did not think I'd make it to 18. When I made it to 21 I realized things had to change if I wanted to see 25 and I decided I did. So by the time I was 25 I quit using drugs, quit doing the kinds of things that should have gotten me killed long ago and started working on the things I wanted to do in my life before I was done. \n\n15 years later I havn't achived very many of those things. I've made progress. I've come close on some things. I havn't done what I set out to do. I lived my youth like I'd never live to see 40 and it's taken it's toll. Drinking, smoking, drugs, work in hazardous environments and injuries. It makes me a cancer and other disease magnet. How many years do I really have left? \n\nThat of course assumes a semi doesn't broadside me 10 years from now or a bolt of lightning doesn't hit me tomorrow. Whatever the case 40 for me is a time of realizing my mortality. Somehow I always thought I'd live forever and die young. That is I always expected to die because of the life I lived. Then when it didn't happen I felt like nothing could kill me (That doesn't mean I was about to jump off high buildings or something stupid like that :) ) No I am coming to grips with my own mortality and it's frig gin uncomfortable. \n\nThis is strangly at odds with the fact I really don't feel much older mentally or emotionally than I did as a Teen. My back aches, my eyes are starting to go, my knees hurt and various other minor sings of age are creeping in. Still if feels like the party can go on forever yet I know the end is far too close for comfort. I personally am having a hard time reconciling that. \n\nSo yeah I feel something akin to what you feel though I am probably much younger than you right now.