text: ok im not a doctor, but i do suffer from bi polar disorder, formally known as manic depression.  for me anyway, anti depressants made me violent, so i would not take anything a doc has not prescribed.  there are many mental illness clinics all over the US. i dont know what state you are in, so i cant help you there.  if you have to, go to the emergency room, tell them your freakin out, and they will find someone that can help you.  no they wont lock you up.  i have had thought of suicide, and thoughts of killing peoople, and i have not been locked up.  its a normal part of my illness.  i have never gone thruogh with any of my thoughts.  lithium has helped me tremendously, but only under direct doctor care.  it has many horrible side effects, that if adminsitered correctly, can be subsided by raising or lowering dosage, but only a doctor can do that correctly.  please, get medical help.  forget your family, mine still believe that i'm a spoiled brat, and i only do the things i do for attention.  too bad for them, that they will never get to know the real me.  too bad for them, that someday they may have an affliction, and no one will be there for them either.  take care of yourself, and pray.  find jesus, because he is the only one that can help you get through this terrible journey of getting better that you are about to embark on.  its a bumpy road, but when you get past the dark side of it, its wonderful on the light side. its worth it, i promise!