text: Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"\n\nSt. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."\n\n"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."\n\n"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.\n\n"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."\n\n\nA man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.\n\nThe next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!\n\nHe kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.\n\nHours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"\n\n"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"\n\nFrustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."\n\n\nA farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.\n\n"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" stated the counsel for the insurance company.\n\n"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.\n\n"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"\n\n"Yeah, but..." stammered the farmer.\n\n"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.\n\n"Yes," Replied the farmer.\n\nThen it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.\n\n"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.\n\n"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked  me how I was feeling. "Now, what the heck would I have said to him?"