text: Odious Chuck Norris decided to put one final nail in the coffin<br /><br />containing his film career before going to the safe world of CBS<br /><br />Saturday night carnage with this hysterically bad supernatural<br /><br />actioner.<br /><br />For such a dumb movie this thing sure is plotty. Norris is Chicago<br /><br />cop Frank Shatter. First off, what kind of last name is "Shatter"?<br /><br />Have you ever met any Shatters? Genforum.com has no listing for<br /><br />the last name Shatter, which opens up any half clever viewer to<br /><br />replace the "a" in Shatter with an "i." He and his partner, Calvin<br /><br />Jackson, do the same old buddy cop routine you have seen<br /><br />before: make funny with the pimps, and make their captain mad.<br /><br />Jackson, looking like the theoretical love child of Whoopi Goldberg<br /><br />and Rick James, quickly wears on the nerves with his constant<br /><br />complaining and Eddie Murphy-patented facial expressions.<br /><br />Shatter and Calvin become involved with an emissary of Satan,<br /><br />whom we are introduced to in the too long opening scenes.<br /><br />Prosatano is a demon who is locked in a crypt by King Richard the<br /><br />Lionhearted. The demon's scepter, from which he gets his power,<br /><br />is busted into nine pieces and hid in nine different parts of the<br /><br />world by holy men. In 1951, some grave robbers accidentally let<br /><br />Prosatano out and he begins collecting the nine pieces. He<br /><br />disguises himself as an antiquities professor named Lockley and<br /><br />always happens to be giving a lecture where a holy man is killed<br /><br />and a piece of the scepter is taken.<br /><br />Norris brings in his "Walker: Texas Blunder" cohort Sheree Wilson,<br /><br />who plays Lockley's assistant. She helps Norris with his<br /><br />investigation, they make goo goo eyes at each other, and our<br /><br />intrepid investigators travel to Israel after a rabbi is killed in<br /><br />Chicago. While in Israel, Calvin is given even more to complain<br /><br />about: the heat, the lack of restaurant accomodations, the lousy<br /><br />drivers, and the fact that he is missing the Chicago Bulls playoff<br /><br />games. Norris even manages to work a cute Israeli kid into this<br /><br />nightmare. Bezi steals Calvin's wallet, and hangs around the men,<br /><br />leading them around Israel and not arousing any sort of<br /><br />appropriate suspicion.<br /><br />Eventually, Lockley (Prosatano) assembles all of the scepter<br /><br />pieces, but needs the blood of royalty to complete the ceremony<br /><br />and call up the devil. Where to find royal blood? Well, Sheree's<br /><br />father is a duke! She has an American accent but she is the<br /><br />screenwriters' convenient method of forcing this monstrosity<br /><br />toward its inevitable conclusion. Sure, this minion of Satan may<br /><br />have killed countless hundreds over the years, but how is he<br /><br />gonna do against a good old fashioned American butt kickin'?<br /><br />After Prosatano has been vanquished, killed by his own scepter (I<br /><br />envied him, he did not have to watch Bezi steal Calvin's wallet<br /><br />again), we are treated to an awful coda involving a bearded man<br /><br />who has been watching Shutter, I mean Shatter, and Calvin on<br /><br />their quest. You see, it was foretold...somewhere...that two<br /><br />warriors from the west would defeat Prosatano. The silent<br /><br />bearded man who watched over the couple was none other than<br /><br />Jesus...I kid you not. He is listed as "Prophet" in the end credits,<br /><br />but you and even your pets will recognize the subtle Christian<br /><br />reference the film makers are trying to exhibit here.<br /><br />Like in "I Use a Walker: Texas Ranger," Norris is aging and cannot<br /><br />get into his fight scenes too much anymore. He kicks a lot, and<br /><br />people fly over furniture in slow motion, and then Norris gives all of<br /><br />his line readings in that monotone voice of his. Oh, what a real<br /><br />director might be able to fashion out of him! His brother, Aaron,<br /><br />who has directed him in other films as well, has no sense of story<br /><br />or momentum. Scenes are thrown in for ego's sake, not to<br /><br />entertain. The scenes when the dynamic duo first meet Bezi drag<br /><br />on and on, and then Bezi is not all that important to the rest of the<br /><br />film.<br /><br />The film was shot on location in Israel, which means the<br /><br />Americans could insult the Israelis in person. There is not one<br /><br />likeable Israeli character here. The Israeli police captain is a jerk.<br /><br />The cops' driver does not know English, and Calvin convinces him<br /><br />that the word "sh*tty" is a compliment. Nothing funnier than<br /><br />mocking those stupid foreigners on their home turf, especially<br /><br />when all this racist humor is coming from an American minority<br /><br />who would have been more than offended if the tables were turned<br /><br />and the Israeli cop was mocking the African-American cop in<br /><br />Chicago.<br /><br />This film is badly written, badly acted, and badly directed. It does<br /><br />not work as action, cop drama, or even horror. It just shows that<br /><br />the now defunct Cannon Studios was willing to throw their money<br /><br />into anything, no matter how badly it was planned. "Hellbound" is<br /><br />surely a most adequate title. I disliked this movie intensely.<br /><br />This is rated (R) for physical violence, gun violence, strong<br /><br />profanity, some sexual references, and some adult situations.<br /><br />