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New Product Review: The iGod Touched

As the Official G:TB Technology Advisor, I’ve recently warned you about some gadgets you should NOT purchase. I’ve also given you some perspective on the relationship between technology and our mundane lives. But I haven’t recounted my recent transformation: I have become an Apple product user. My metamorphosis began when I got sick of shoddy MP3 players and sprung for an iPod. Then I replaced our desk-top with an iMac. And finally, when the computer repair shop gave up on my beloved Toshiba Portege Tablet, I made the full conversion and bought a MacBook. Correction: a MacBook Pro. Because I am a Pro Apple User. And it feels GOOD. Since becoming an Apple convert, I have experienced peace and productivity during my computing time. I also confess that at times I now feel superior to other computer users, although I know this is a sin and I try to practice humility.
And so I decided to purchase and review the newest Apple product: the iGod Touched.
The iGod Touched ships in a sturdy Ark of the Covenant. Inside is a Styrofoam clam shell that is surprisingly easy to open. You can order your iGod Touched in most any color, but DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY at the product when you open the Ark. You will go blind. To prevent this, I bought the optional Techni-Color Dream Coat to cover mine. ANOTHER WARNING: Do Not Eat the Glowing Apple on the brushed aluminum case! It will be tempting, because it looks delicious, but this apple is NOT edible! It contains the device’s security module and fingerprint ID, so if you eat this apple, you will have a hard time accessing your new iGod Touched.
There is a warning about the apple in bold on the first page of the manual, but who reads the manual? Ladies, you know I'm talking about you . . . you never read the manual. So I’m giving you a heads up-- DO NOT EAT THE APPLE! I know I’m being sexist here, ladies, but I care about you and your new product. Despite what you think about me. How do I know what you think about me? Read on. Apple has upped the memory of the iGod Touched from 64 GB to infinite, so go ahead and put every movie, audio book, mp3, and video clip in existence on there. Rip your entire collection of Blue Oyster Cult CD’s, just in case. Download all of Francois Truffaut’s films . . . you just might watch them. Someday. Especially if you opt for the iGod Touched Pro, because then you can use your Time Machine to control Time.
The iGod Touched Pro also has an Omniscience feature. I’m not sure if this is all it is cracked up to be. It is an extremely powerful Application, but I got bogged down organizing my folders.
I tried the obvious categories: Things People Say About Me When I’m Not Around . . . Things People Will Say About Me When I’m Dead . . . What My Ex-Girlfriends Think About Me . . . but then, and I think this is a natural progression, I started getting into very specific and rather obtuse themes, such as Where Mudslides Will Occur in the Near Future . . . Where Hot Celebrities Will Be Hanging Out in New Jersey . . . What Happens in the Kitchen of Chinese Restaurants I Frequent . . . What Geographical Facts Will I Need to Know in Order to Seem Smart in Conversation . . . and, honestly, if you continue down this road, you’re not going to have much fun with your new product. I am recommending you purchase the model without this feature.
Because the iGod Touched exists in all points of time and space, Apple is releasing two models at once: the New and the Old. The New iGod Touched is far more forgiving of novice mistakes, but I prefer the Old model, which is more vengeful. I tried to access a non-existent memory address on my Old iGod Touched and it delivered seven pus filled suppurating welts unto my abdomen. That was the last time I made that mistake!
The screen resolution is magnificent: the G:TB physicists say it goes to the quantum level, but many people say this is overkill, as who is going to look at their personal computing device with an electron microscope? I say: Transformers never looked so good. Thumbs up for quantum resolution. In 3-D, of course. As I mentioned earlier, for an extra fifty dollars you can also control Time with the Time Machine feature.
Although the iGod Touched is extremely fast for many simple applications, if you ask it something more difficult, such as “Can God create a rock so heavy that even He cannot lift it?” then it may freeze up. You can try to Force Quit, but Old models might zap you with forked lightning. And whatever you do, don’t open the case! Remember Raiders of the Lost Ark? No one wants to date someone with a melted face. Leave it to a professional, your local priest or rabbi will help you for a nominal donation. Other questions to avoid: “How can one billion Hindus be wrong?” and “Is it ethical to form a special purpose off-shore entity to hide debt until after quarterly earnings in order maintain the bond price of a synthetic CDO that is based on tranched sup-prime mortgages of a supposedly “diversified” portfolio while your companies special interest representative lobbies for more transparency in the market?” There are some questions even the iGod Touched can’t answer.
Your iGod Touched may prompt you to do some rather unorthodox actions. Once when the battery was running low, the Divine Help Messenger advised me to “sacrifice my eldest son in order to not lose all unsaved data.” You can imagine my consternation. For a moment, I doubted, but then I remembered all the transcendent and hassle free computing I had done with my other Apple products. Plus, I was half way through my Turbo Tax statement, so I had no choice. As I was binding my son’s hands to the altar I had constructed in my front yard-- I am a proud Apple user-- my iGod Touched provided me with a wounded raccoon and instructed me to run over it with my mini-van and then burn it in my neighbor’s trash can. I didn’t lose any data, but I did learn that burning raccoon hair smells just like burning human hair. And after that demonstration of my faith, my iGod Touched performed extremely well for me.
During the Olympics, it’s nice to be able to visit a plague or a drought on countries you dislike.
The scrolling takes some getting used to, but the papyrus has a nice analog feel to it. The operating system still has some bugs in it (locusts) but once Apple finishes their updated version, you’ll never know you didn’t have it.
Now that I have an iGod Touched, I’m not sure how I lived without it. Before I owned this product, I was lost and incomplete. I had nothing to guide me. Literally. The onboard navigation system is fantastic. The voice sounds like James Earle Jones, and when I made a wrong turn and ended up under the Donald Goodkind Bridge, my iGod Touched simply parted the Raritan River so I could drive across and cut through the Loew’s parking lot. Try getting your TomTom to do that! There are people that say they are just fine without an iGod Touched. They wonder why we can’t simply live in the Now, and make our lives on earth as heavenly as we can. They say we don’t need to have meta-physical knowledge about the future at our fingertips. They say we don’t need faith in something bigger, something better, something more powerful. To me, that sounds like hell on earth.I have faith that the smart people at Apple will produce something better, faster, smaller, and more hip than the last thing they produced. This is what gets me through each day.
In conclusion, the iGod Touched is worthy of worship, but I still recommend buying the extended warranty, which guarantees the iGod Touched until Armageddon or the Rapture, whichever comes first.
Posted by Dave at 6:24 AM Labels: iGod Touched


Marls said...

I'm not reading anything that long in that font.

Anybody hear from Igor? Should we be passing the hat to scrape together bail?

8:14 AM, August 18, 2010 zman said...

My TomTom kicks ass.

9:43 AM, August 18, 2010 T.J. said...

My TaunTaun kicks ass.

And fix that font.

9:47 AM, August 18, 2010 
can someone fix the font for me? i will try but i'm never successful, and i don't want ti to ruin my most brilliant piece of satire ever.

9:48 AM, August 18, 2010 Squeaky said...

This review reminds me of 'Lamb' by Christopher Moore. Great mocumentry of the lost years of Christ.

9:49 AM, August 18, 2010 
goddammit-- i can't change the font! this is the font if you write something on google docs. iGod touched, i damn thee!

help t.j.

9:53 AM, August 18, 2010 Igor said...

I am alive and free. Just had to spend 90 mins sitting in traffic without AC working. I feel terrible, but I look worse. Sweaty, smelling like vodka, and my eyes . . . well, I would never have been shot by Colonial soldiers.

9:55 AM, August 18, 2010 TR said...

Sounds like a typical hump day for Whigor.

9:57 AM, August 18, 2010 
This is why you should listen to TR and never drink well drinks. And listen to me and drink potato vodka.

There's a joke in there about drinking from the well but I'm not sure who you should listen to on that.

10:36 AM, August 18, 2010 
iGod Touched by a priest when I was an altar boy, but I can't talk about that until the lawsuit is settled.

11:04 AM, August 18, 2010 
I'm waiting for the Wu-Wear version to come out, which will be the U-God Touched. It won't be very entertaining though.

11:33 AM, August 18, 2010 
i fixed the font! i also changed the template for sentence of dave.

11:59 AM, August 18, 2010 
and i am just realizing the irony of claiming that i am the g:tb technology advisor when it took me four hours to change the font of a post.

12:00 PM, August 18, 2010 
By "I" you mean "TR" right?

There's no I in God, Dave. But there is one in iGod. I see what you're up to...

12:25 PM, August 18, 2010 
i think i fixed the last paragraph. you may have fixed the rest. either way, i love jay baller.

12:28 PM, August 18, 2010 
Why are their pictures od zman and squeaky, nude, in Provincetown galleries? What kind of elopement party was it exactly?

1:08 PM, August 18, 2010 
Nice spelling by me.

1:13 PM, August 18, 2010 
Turns out Jay Baller is a true (eight-) baller...

It was his destiny, based on that epic baseball card photo.


1:14 PM, August 18, 2010 
i didn't know jay baller was in the hall of fame!

the reading, PA baseball hall of fame, that is.

1:21 PM, August 18, 2010 
the quote of the day . . .

“That’s pretty stupid to pull over in a residential neighborhood and snort cocaine in broad daylight while playing with a gun,” Cortazzo said.

1:22 PM, August 18, 2010 
Baller was part of the semi controversial 5 for 1 deal for Von Hayes.

December 9, 1982: Jay Baller traded by the Philadelphia Phillies with Julio Franco, Manny Trillo, George Vukovich and Jerry Willard to the Cleveland Indians for Von Hayes.

1:38 PM, August 18, 2010 
Are we sure Von Hayes and Ivan Lendl weren't the same person?

2:38 PM, August 18, 2010 
my wife shmanked my new blog template so i tried something else. wood.

2:49 PM, August 18, 2010 承王蓁 said...


3:04 PM, August 18, 2010 
if byu thinks notre dame is going to join them in some kind of all-religious conference, they probably should reevaluate.

3:28 PM, August 18, 2010 
TJ, why are you in P-town? Find a really enticing ad on Craigs List?

And those pictures are artistic. At least that's what gay Rudy said when he took them.

5:42 PM, August 18, 2010 
I wasn't drinking well drinks, it was Stoli. And I think just now I sobered up.

6:28 PM, August 18, 2010 What is Gheorghe? What Gheorghe Is Reading Subscribe to G:TB