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Saturday, 30 October 2010

Reader Letter II

Sharks favourite Ms. D Fault of Sevenoaks has contacted us regarding some of the phrases that have unfortunately slipped past our censorship team:

Dear Gerry,

Cyril and I would like to remind you that the service you provide to the chess community comes at a price and you would do well to keep a civil tongue. The recent trend of boorish language amongst these pages is quite upsetting.

The episode brings to mind the untimely passing of our tortoise last July. Henry was always a placid animal and I recommend you take after his example though, naturally, at a more sprightly pace. It was all rather tragic actually; he climbed into an ice box during a garden party. As I'm sure you are aware, the only way to euthanize a tortoise is to put it in a freezer. I still think of him often whilst hoeing on the beds.

Otherwise we would like to express our continued support of your work. We are inviting Maud for dinner next week and you would be welcome to attend. I would rather you left your President badge at home this time though please. One needs to let go.


Deborah Fault

We are saddened to learn Henry is no longer with us and send our condolences. Regarding the "boorish language” however, we cannot pretend there wont be the odd use of flowery speech littered amongst these pages. We'll be providing the Faults with a vintage bottle of barley water and hope they continue to enjoy RTK.

Unleashed by CWR at 17:51 0 comments 

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out I

JD, Peebles

TLD, Dunstable

Seek help. 

Crazed Wolves In Store a Bad Mistake Admits Mothercare

It was immediately clear when I first heard there was a London league side called Drunken Knights I'd have to involve. My first taste was the annual DK beer and blitz tournament at the Plough a few weeks back. It was a banterous evening despite, in what media sources were to call an injustice of biblical proportions, the younger Kraken beating me first round then proceeding to outscore me by ½ to finish 4th = with 18/24.

Having been informed that Athenaeum played at a dry venue we realised that under such inhumane conditions it would be an uphill struggle. The ball kicks didn't stop there, as upon arrival we were greeted by the sight of Gawain sat at board 1 and the clocks already started. Actually, this news sat surprisingly well with the Krakens, as our partner in crime Charlie “Britain's next top model” Fry was to be his opponent. My blogging colleague took great pleasure in informing him of this when he finally arrived, in a move motivated purely by a desire to inspire a top tungsten performance.

Fry failed to deliver.

Fortunately the Krakens under crisis always come up smiling. We'd made sure to top up on brain fuel prematch at the Cross Keys opposite the venue. Packley was already installed at the bar when we arrived and it was in high spirits that we eventually left for the match. About two hours later it became overwhelmingly apparent that the London League is rigged.

6½ - ½ down. You mean we've come out here in the middle of fucking nowhere without aspirins? It was certainly not shaping up to be the debut I'd imagined. We'd lost after 7 games in a 12 board match with our only man on the scoreboard at this stage being Mr Makepeace who offered the chop as the queens were about to come off after an interesting opening. Frankly Atheaeum's underhand tactic had given them the crucial psychological edge, preventing us from living up to our name with their dry venue was the deciding factor of the match.

Some of the shit did miss the fan as we rallied somewhat to finish with 3½, Dom picking up our only win and with it Nevil's man of the match award. Here's the match card:

Though DK2 have yet to make their mark this season with a +0 =0 -2 start and 5½ game points we have had a tough couple of fixtures. The plan is to improvise, adapt and overcome, starting as soon as we return to the Plough. We shall certainly be keeping our heads (and pints) held high.

Those of you wondering why I've included a song might do well to acquaint themselves with the literary stylings of Captain Johnny Danger, hero.

Unleashed by PJM at 16:18 1 comments 

Cash For Titles Redux

This week brought the unfortunate but extremely predictable news that the ECF has lost it's government grant. However, we reckon there's an alternative way for them to trouser at least £45,000 a year.
Of the 37 grandmasters currently registered for England, at least 7 are inactive or retired. That's nearly 19%, fact fans. Forget all the energy-saving rubbish that you're inundated with - we're wasting our grandmasters to a ruinous extent. Les Savy-Fav, editor of the popular magazine And Then I Blundered Everywah, has predicted that, by 2020, a dozen more will fall by the wayside, choosing a profession that actually brings in a reasonable income and the potential of raising a family. Madness.
So how can we change this worrying trend? Well, at the recent Olympiad, we noticed just how many nations were lacking top people and sent mere IMs and FMs to represent them. Hark! Pity the child! Good gravy, even! This will not do.
We have therefore sent an envoy to the ECF Office with a demand that, in time for the 2012 Istanbul Olympiad, the grandmasters who have deserted our flag will have been sold to needy countries. The presence of sub-2500 coffee-house players at such a prestigious event is a practice that must be eradicated. I wouldn't be surprised if we see GM Kumaran of the Lebanon or GM Stean representing Nepal before too long.
Unleashed by PJM at 00:21 0 comments 

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out 

A New Venture I 

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