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The Bizarre Growing up as a Mormon in the state of Utah puts you in a strange state of mind.  There are plenty of bizarre things about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but in Utah, they seem normal... accepted... it's the way of life for nearly all the people you come into contact with.  It's not until you take a step back and look at things from a different point of view do you realize the whole thing is just plain weird.

This past week, an online acquaintance was driven to the emergency room due to a horrible allergic reaction to new medication.  He was shaking, his muscles were extremely tense, and he was having a hard time talking and standing up on his own.  His mother, a believer in the Mormon faith, drove him to the hospital instead of waiting for an ambulance.

So, picture it... if you will.  A mother rushing her child (although an adult child) to the emergency room because something is really, really wrong.  When they finally reached the hospital, he was placed on a hospital bed while doctors and nurses cut off his clothing in order to administer medication, check vitals, and run tests.  This is when his mother notices he isn't wearing his temple garments.

He is sick, and could possibly be fighting for his life, but she starts grilling him on why he isn't wearing his magical Mormon underwear.  He is going through a divorce right now, and she said something like, "I know you are going through a lot right now, but you are still worthy to wear your garments!"  He mentioned that he wanted to tell her that the garments were not worthy of HIM, but he was too busy trying to steady his breathing.  He did manage to eek out, "I don't have any."  I am sure he would have loved to have had the conversation, but it just wasn't the freaking time... ya know?  His mother offered to buy him some, and he eventually fell asleep from the pain meds.  He did wake up to his mother and brother discussing his underwear.

As the character Janice from Friends would say... "Oh... My... Gawd..."

The whole Mormon temple garments thing is just silly in my opinion.  Do you really need special underwear to remind you of covenants you made with God?  According to many of my relatives, the answer to that question is a loud, "HELL yes!"  Okay, I added the word Hell.  They consider that a swear word.  No, I am not kidding.

I was taught as a child that the temple garments protected you from evil and accidents.  There are even famous faith-promoting stories about a man being burned in a car accident, but there were no burns where is garments covered him.  Stories like this happen to a friend of a friend that can never be located or tracked down to verify the story.  Did this accident really take place?  Doubt it.

Logically, it makes no sense... and for more than one reason... for example, Mormons believe in having large families.  In order to have a large family, you have to have sex.  In order to have sex, you have to get turned on.  Temple garments have got to be the ugliest things in the history of American Apparel.  They remind me of Granny Panties gone horribly wrong.  It's a train wreck, it's so bad.  Just sayin'.  I'll drop that now.

Of all the things that could be used to remind someone of their covenants to Him, God chose underwear?

Believing members are also told how to dispose of temple garments if they are worn out.  They can't just be tossed into the garbage because that would be disrespectful.  Many are instructed to cut out the symbols from the garments and burn them.  What is left can be used as rags... because that *isnt* disrespectful.


Another thing non-Mormons really don't understand is temple weddings.  It's hard for them to get why only certain people can witness the ceremony.  A wedding, to most, is a celebration.  In Mormonism, the ceremony is exclusive to those who meet the criteria.  If a Mormon bishop says you can't go, you are out of luck.  It doesn't matter if you raised the bride or groom, paid for their college education, or even if you gave one of them a kidney.  You have to be a Mormon in good standing, which means you pay your tithing, follow the Word of Wisdom, and attend the Mormon Church regularly.

I was taught that if anyone unworthy entered the temple, a priesthood holder would know right away.  There are just as many faith promoting rumors about this as well...

One story mentions an outstanding priesthood-holding man leading a temple group.  He suddenly stops because the spirit is telling him something isn't right.  He turns around in a soap-opera like move and states that someone is in the temple that shouldn't be!  This is the cue for the young man who had an affair on his wife to feel like a rotten excuse for a human being and run crying from the room.

Stories like this are untrue.  I have never spoken with anyone, believing member or ex-member, who witnessed the miraculous.  Again, it happened to a friend of a friend who can't be tracked down.  It's so convenient.

Let me share a personal story about non-worthy people entering the temple.  It was actually one of the first clues to me that the Church wasn't what it claimed to be.

After my Dad passed away, there was a race among my relatives to get his temple work done.  My Mom wanted to do it herself, but my extended family wouldn't hear of it.  They told us to meet them at the Manti Temple on a certain day if we wanted to "be there."  I use quotation marks because they all knew that we didn't have temple recommends at the time, so "being there" was waiting outside the temple in our Sunday best babysitting the young kids.  I was so pissed.

Okay, so if the slap in the face for not being good enough to be a witness to my own father's sealing wasn't bad enough, we find out months later that one of my uncles was high on heroin at the time.

Yep.  Thats right folks.  I was working two jobs, paying my own bills, helping at my house, not even doing as much as lighing up a cigarette... and *I* wasn't good enough... but my uncle was!  Where was the outstanding priesthood holder that could tell worthy people from nonworthy people?  What the HELL?

The system is so flawed it's funny.  I won't even mention how easy it must be to lie to your bishop to get a temple recommend.  Wait... guess I just did. :)



