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Hellooooo, where are you?

I miss my eldest son.  His beautiful smile and quirky sense of humor.  His towering height, inherited from my side of the family.  Just typing this, my eyes well up with tears and my heart is in my throat.  Maybe I won't be able to blog about it after all.  Those of you who know me well, know that the decision to finally let go last winter was not an easy one. But for the sake of everyone's sanity, it was the right time and the right decision.  It still is.  That doesn't change me from missing the little things that were good.

I have been reaching out in the only way I know how...  and there has been no reply.  My calls and emails echo back to me as if bouncing back from a cavernous valley.  Somewhere deep within, I need to continue to find ways to be at peace with this...  lack of knowledge, communication, and worry is not good.

As he enters his final year of high school (again, I can only hope, as I've heard nothing) this fall, the final frontier and launching pad of all that I could have done to help him succeed also weighs heavy on my heart.

Did he learn anything?

Did I do enough?

Will he be able to succeed in life, without his father's help someday?

Does he know that he can reach out to his Mom, even now?

Perhaps people think I'm crazy when I say that I will celebrate his graduation next year - with or without him.  But I feel as if all that I've invested over the years, surely that alone is worthy of a celebration in its own right.

Alek will be considered the legal age of an adult come December.  Will he catch up in credits and graduate with his class?  He has also had the right to choose to drop out of school since last year.  And although I hear nothing from him lately, I still have faith that somewhere inside he knows the importance of a high school diploma.  Even if he's no longer listening to me, I know that he has a very good friend that has had an influence on him (good and bad), who will be going on to trade school in 2011.  Hopefully, all that is good in that friendship has rubbed off on my son too!        I pray. All that I have, I have given to you, son.  I miss you.


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