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in limbo

Thank you all for your thoughtful and heartfelt comments.  Any time you leave a comment, or email me, or fb message me, or text me, etc., I'm so touched.  My current struggle if you will, is figuring out, what the next right thing is for me to do.  But what I do know, is that if I can be a conduit to you in a fraction of all the life lessons that are coming my way, it helps me live a more purposeful life.

I've gleaned a few more photos from the hordes I have stored away.  With the winds kicking up, I trust many of these trees are now near barren. The coolest discovery awaited me in the pasture out behind the house.  At first she didn't pretend to even notice me.  But after awhile she steadily grazed closer to where I stood motionless and quiet in my coolest Pioneer Woman stance possible.  And then I discovered the goats.  They were so cautious- barely tip-toeing across the open field in the tracks of the horse. The horse seemed to just tolerate the goats, while the goats mimicked her every move.  It was enchanting to watch. They carefully maintained a distance just on the other side of the horse, but curiosity would best them at times, and I'd catch them peeking at me. While I was away at Carmel, Rick and Nolan took Crosby for one last fishing excursion on the lake.  Rick stitched together several different photos to create this saturated look.  I love seeing Crosby take it all in. I was surprised when it wasn't Dr. Panwalkar that walked through the exam room door yesterday.  He has a new Physician Assistant (I am totally blanking on her name right now) and she had just started seeing patients.  She was pleasant, listened well and gave me a quick exam.

While drawing my blood had put me through the wringer yesterday, the blood tests revealed my counts are actually quite good.  My tumor marker did rise, but the difference was small.

The PA had no reference for the size of my lymph node under my arm when I suggested to her it felt enlarged. So Dr. Panwalkar did come in briefly and check himself.  He agreed with me that it was slightly larger than before, but was not a significant change warranting a change in treatment.  So I will continue on with the same treatment.

He then smiled as he met my eye and said "oh your hair looks so good."  I don't know why those innocuous observations make me feel good- perhaps it just reinforces that he SEES me, not just the cancer. But he had a medical student with him and as abruptly as he came, he left.  He hastily said goodbye and said he'd see me in 12 weeks.  Because of the holidays, it will be 2013 before I see him again.

I feel a bit in limbo.  Mr. Stable is oh so good.  And yet, I'm not in remission.  The ever elusive Mr. NED (No Evidence of Disease) has not shown up on my dance card.  Stage IVstill lurks, and Mr. Progression is just one bad blood test away.  And me.  I'm on the sidelines, dodging the seemly characters, hanging out somewhere between "Mr. Almost, and Mr. Not Quite"well.

Posted by Vicky at 1:01 PM 


When you get lucky my one little word Be Intentional Oh the places we'll go...