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Chalk Nazis

January 8, 2008 by sarailee So my neighborhood has a million dogs. Most of the dog owners are responsible — they carry nasty, bulging little plastic bags and do what society dictates they must. I avoid all that ridiculousness by dragging Stella to the vacant lot at the end of the street or making her “conduct business” in her own backyard. And yet still, every couple of weeks, I am assaulted by the pastel sidewalk-chalk fascist ramblings of the neighbors a few doors down. Now, I appreciate that they have kids that play in their yard and little feet tracking stinky stuff through the house is unacceptable. I also believe that being pissed off given these circumstances is justifiable. But the bi-monthly preemptive strike in huge letters that greets me as I walk my dog — things like “Responsible dog owners pick up the mess — are you a responsible dog owner? We know you are!” and “Don’t dirty my child’s playground.” — are just intended to make everyone — this is the main sidewalk through the neighborhood and the foot/paw traffic is heavy — feel really bad about themselves as people/pets. Especially since, as I said, most of the people in my neighborhood are uber-respectful when it comes to this issue (rather comically I think. Grown men stooping to pick up dog poop just makes me laugh…). What’s more, the messages have become increasingly vitriolic of late, indicating to me some projection on the part of “writer” forcing everyone in the neighborhood to feel the pain of their marital troubles or kid problems or clogged toilet or whatever the hell else they’re complaining about via chalk terrorism. The last one, a few weeks ago, said this: “The grass between the sidewalk and the street is our yard, too.”

Then, last night, someone struck back. I got out of class a little early and had dinner with a friend. By the time I got home to walk the girl, it was nearly dark and, as I approached the Hitler home I saw a new message, angrily written in all caps with a large arrow pointing to a circle. It said, “Thanks a lot. We appreciate it.” and the arrow pointed to the biggest pile of dog crap I have ever seen, right smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk I presume because the sidewalk, unless zoning laws have changed, is not their yard.

That shit was funny. Literally.

On a slightly less funny note, I finally got an MP3 player — a Zune, which all my Apple snob coworkers make fun of me for but whatever. I support Microsoft because they make a good product and Bill Gates does stuff like this. In any event, I have been digitizing many of my old CDs and have come across a few gems from High School. Like this one, which gives you the opportunity to deride me but I still say it’s a great song even if it is easy, cheesy 80s hair rock.





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