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Fat Chick vs. Food Update

How did I do? Well, good and bad.


Let’s focus on some positives –

I think this post has come off the rails a bit.

Let’s refocus. Labels: fat chick


Run out and buy stock in A5-35 immediately

We are going to go skiing.

It was way bad.

So! Skiing again for me in February! Labels: politica, skiing, vacation
 

Careful with dem dare status updates y'all....

I have a sixteen year-old daughter who is currently in a "complicated" relationship with her "boyfriend" of a year. There are a lot of "quotation marks" flying around when she speaks of their relationship. For the most part, it's pretty much the same shit I remember dealing with when I was a sixteen year-old "in love", but this generation has the internet to contend with.

Social networking brings a whole new layer of bullshit to a relationship. To that end, I am posting a video that is nothing short of genius. This gets a straight up LMAO yo.

To all the lovers out there.........

Posted by FoN at 8:42 PM 11 comments: Links to this post Labels: facebook


The bird dance and inappropriate groping is my idea of a good time.

I went to a wedding this weekend. God I love weddings. Everyone is just so fucking happy. It’s really the only place where it’s sociably acceptable to get drunk on cheap liquor served in plastic cups and squeal like a twelve year-old girl at the Twilight premiere when the Macarena starts up.

The traditional cast of characters at a wedding doesn’t really change no matter who is getting married. You have the relative that drinks way too much and either dances like a total asshole or starts a fight with someone – he’s usually worth the price of admission right there. Then of course there is the older woman who you can tell probably used to be attractive, but now is sporting a terribly unfortunate outfit and is still under the impression she is very hot in that short, low cut, strapless ensemble that is embarrassing the SHIT out of her teenage son.

The bridesmaids are always fun to watch – half of them are all about fixing the bride’s dress when it bunches, making sure the photographer is adequately documenting the day, etc. The other half are getting shit faced and trying to decide which groomsmen they are going to let feel them up in the coatroom.

I for one always beeline to the first gay guy I see and immediately make him my friend. Gay dudes are hands down the best wedding companions. They like to check out the outfits and hot guys just like a girlfriend does, but they bring the added bonus of being able to do a little bathroom re-con and report back on who’s packin’.

Oh shut up - like you never use your gay friends for evil.

Sadly, nary a queer was in sight this weekend and I was flying solo. I ditched the assigned seating chart about five minutes after the ceremony was over when I quickly realized that Cutie Pie was flying solo too and then spent the evening as his pseudo date. I really miss that guy. Aside from the fact that it’s hard to look at him without wanting to lick his face off, he’s just an all around cool guy. He’s kind of quiet and seems perfectly content to deal with my incessant drunken chatter which makes him the perfect date, really. You know, if neither of us were married and in love with other people* (and I was ten years younger and fifty pounds lighter)……..let’s just say I wouldn’t need my gay friends to follow him into the bathroom. Anyway….where was I? Oh yeah…weddings.

I have two close friends (*cough* KEELY and CARRIE) who should be planning their weddings as we speak but seem content to go against everything that is holy and just live in sin. Clearly they are not thinking of baby Jesus. Or even more importantly, ME. They know how much I love weddings! Why can't they simply acquiesce to my wishes and just get married already? Don’t they realize how much I would add to their wedding? I am the perfect candidate for acting the cool aunt and getting the 13 year-old cousins drunk. And who would be better at leading the drunken loco-motion around the room? I’m even up for hauling all that leftover pizza from the midnight buffet to the gift opening the following morning to the delight of all the hangovers.

I'm even willing to be dressed in a hideous pea-green monstrosity covered in lace with a huge satin bow on my ass. Provided it allows proper access for coatroom groping, of course.

*cute ex-coworkers aside, I love the hubby more. And he's AWESOME at making out in coatrooms. The Hubby, not Cutie Pie. I mean, I'm sure CP would be good at making out in coatrooms too, but you'd have to ask his wife about that.
Posted by FoN at 12:58 PM 10 comments: Links to this post 

So....take it away Emily Perl Kingsley - 
Just da facts, Ma'am

Politika strongly believes I should get my whole family vaccinated. Labels: H1N1, politica, vaccines
 Labels: family, friends, Winnipeg


I'm a Gypsy 
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Four

Probably not in *that* way though.
Posted by FoN at 6:37 PM 9 comments: Links to this post 

One step away from keeping a dog in my purse

I felt like a complete asshole.

Now I am the one being smiled at. Labels: I suck, poor


Fat Chick vs. Food - Week three 

Crazy Left-Wing Rant Part Deux

Although horribly misguided.

Okay, I’ll stop now.
Posted by FoN at 5:35 PM 18 comments: Links to this post Labels: Americans, obama


Yo - Yanks! You are KILLING me up here.

And here are some reactions from the right -

And this -

What a bastard.

Anyone? Seriously - I'm all ears.
Posted by FoN at 6:29 PM 22 comments: Links to this post 

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Two

I just burned 43 calories writing this blog. Pass the bacon.
Posted by FoN at 9:41 AM 11 comments: Links to this post 

And then we turned 30.... Labels: Keely, politica, valentina


Random Tuesday - It's okay - I'm crazy too Hey there, Tuesday bloggers! I haven’t played in a while so I thought I would stop back in for a RTT. However, it appears that our hostess has slept in. Uh...Keely? I'm standing here all alone with that fugly button! Bueller? BUELLER?

Last week I went for lunch with some of my old co-workers. It was great. There is a comfortable familiarity that comes with working with the same people day in and day out for five years, and I still miss it. As we quickly fell back into comfortable rhythms I found myself thinking, “Wow, I really miss these guys. Why did I ever leave my job again?’ After we were done the conciliatory ‘how are the spouse/kids’ type conversations, it naturally turned to work and I started getting caught up on what I’ve been missing. By the end of the lunch I walked away with a firm, “Oh yeah. THAT’S why I left my job. It TOTALLY BLOWS there.” A nice little side reminder with my buffet.

Does anyone else watch A&E? What is with all the new shows based around crazy people? And I don’t say that lightly; I have had a toe over the mental illness line most of my adult life, so that buys me the right to use the word crazy. Very much how I get to use the word fat - I’ve earned my right into that club too. Anyway…


Oh yeah, A&E crazy people programming. I think they built their new broadcast schedule around trying to make the rest of us feel better. And it’s working! I watch Hoarders and suddenly my housekeeping skills improve dramatically. Intervention? Pfft. I don’t mind if I do have that third glass of wine, now that you mention it! Hey, it’s not like I’m huffing on the cool whip can or anything. After watching Obsessed it’s suddenly perfectly fine that my son hasn’t had a bath in four days. Germs aren’t bad for you! Get a grip already!

Thanks, A&E. You have done a wonderful job putting my shortcomings in perspective. I’m fucking perfect.

My daughter's ipod was broken. After 2 days of trying everything she could think of to make it work again she got so frustrated she started to cry, and magically - it started working again. No kidding, just like that. I immediately sent her out to the driveway to cry on her father’s truck that has been sitting there broken for two months. I’ll let you know if that works. If it does, look for ‘J’s Magical Revival Tent’ coming to a city near you.

Keely and Xander came over for dinner this weekend. Upon hearing the news that the dreamy Xander was on his way over (they are affianced, by the way), my three year-old insisted on primping. No kidding. She looked at her dirty little toes that had been running outside with no shoes on all day and announced that she needed a bath immediately because, “Xander just can’t see me like this.” I’m not sure if that’s super funny or the most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard. I guess he is pretty cute.

That’s it for me. I can’t find any more mental post-its or scribbles written on the back of envelopes hanging around anywhere. Go see Keely - she has much more faithful RTTers that won’t let you down. If she ever shows up, that is. Slacker.
Posted by FoN at 10:08 PM 13 comments: Links to this post Labels: Random Tuesdays


Fat Chick vs. Food - Week One Labels: fat chick, trainer lady

Rock On, Mr. FoN


What else is new? Labels: summer, teaching, the hubby


Sweatshops are totally underrated.

So, I gotta say that so far this summer has been da bomb. Exploiting my family and turning them into sweatshop workers paid off big time and the two weeks spent at the cabin were fabulous. Mother Nature was being a total fucking bitch and didn’t see fit to provide us with the best weather of all time, but we had enough warm and sunny days to get in some swimming, boating and general laziness, which was pretty much my entire agenda. Yes, that's me. In a bathingsuit on the internet. That's as close as I'm getting and the imagine gets super grainy when you try and zoom in so don't even bother. But...doesn’t that look like a good time? It was. Doing sweet fuck all for two weeks was all I thought it would be and more. Here are a few shots of the cabin – Nice, huh? See why I was willing to whore out my husband and children? Lakefront people!! Lakefront!!!

And, when the weather wasn’t the greatest we played board games. Just so you know, internet, you are reading the literary works of the all time World Champion of Scattergories. Notorious people starting with a K? The Klu Klux Klan! THREE points right there. Crimes starting with a W? Whaling! Can you think of a crime that starts with a W in under 60 seconds?? It’s not easy. Clearly being the current Scattergories Champion of the World proves I’m a superior thinker. I’ve already put it on my resume.

So now, today….I went back to work. Back to my cold and sterile office building with my desk in the middle of the hallway. Back to the mind-numbing buzz of the florescent lights. Back to words and phrases like ‘template’ and ‘Governance Committee’ and ‘Meeting of the Board of Directors’. Back to highlighters and staplers and paperclips and that little chime that goes off constantly alerting you to the fact that there is yet another new email. Sigh. The party’s over.
Posted by FoN at 2:09 PM 14 comments: Links to this post Labels: holidays, kids, lake, vacation



Sup yall! Today is the day we're heading off to enjoy the fabulous lakefront cabin I acquired in exchange for turning my family sweatshop workers. The Hubby and the older kids were out there all last week doing yard work and now that all that heavy lifting is done I'm taking off for 14 wonderful day of sunning myself and drinking daiquiris. I like daiquiris.

I'm taking the laptop with me, but I have no idea what kind of connectivity they are rocking out there. I might be (shudder) completely without access. Either way I will be recording all of our adventures and taking loads of pictures so I will have plenty of material to annoy the shit out of you with when I return. Have a good couple of weeks bloggy land!
Posted by FoN at 1:53 PM 10 comments: Links to this post Labels: family, kids, lake


Silly Girl

A’hem. Maybe never mind that last bit.

Besides, the Hubby never has any spare tampons in a pinch. That selfish prick.
Posted by FoN at 1:53 AM 12 comments: Links to this post Labels: silly girls, the hubby


I hope you have sand in your crack

Hello, ma’am. Yes, that is a lovely bathing suit you have there. The sliver stars really shine against the bright pink background. And don’t worry; you can still totally pull off wearing the same bikini as the 14 year-old girl sitting next to you even though you’re pushing forty. The botox is really helping. That look of utter contempt you just shot my eight year-old son as he mistakenly sprayed a few grains of sand on your beach blanket as he ran excitedly to the lake to get more water for his sandcastle moat was a little uncalled for, however. How nice for you that your very young child sits stone still while gnawing on the same piece of watermelon for two hours, but the rest of us with normal, non-sedated children must learn to tolerate their incessant laughter and silliness while at the BEACH.

You see, most people bring their children to the beach because they have fun there. Since you’re not familiar, fun can best be described as the expenditure of time in a manner designed for pure enjoyment, most often characterized by activities that make the participant of said fun feel joyful. Parents can usually tell their children are having ‘fun’, because they express themselves with laughter, smiles and the occasional excited ‘whoop-whoop’.

If you take your child off the valium and allow him to move about, he may be able to experience fun for himself. I’m sure that piece of watermelon is simply riveting, but so is the GIANT LAKE right in front of him.

Besides, my little bastard is going to get it covered in sand anyway.
Posted by FoN at 7:10 AM 17 comments: Links to this post Labels: beach, rant


Random Tuesday - Jon, Kate and Holden Caulfield walk into a bar.... I know I really need to let the Jon and Kate thing go, but it just pisses me off more and more everyday. She rationalizes keeping the cameras rolling by saying, “Parents work. This is my career and I work for my kids”. Yeah, well most parents work by going to an office, or a restaurant or a car dealership or a factory. The butcher, the baker or the candlestick maker aren't whoring their little ankle biters out for a 'job', now are they? And then there is Jon who goes traipsing around France before the ink is dry on the divorce papers (and who am I kidding, most likely WAY before that) with a 22 year-old girl. That woman was in grade six when his first set of kids were born for crying out loud. What is wrong with these people? Could you imagine being those children and having to go to school everyday? When I was nine my mother dressed me in culottes one lousy day and I was teased for months. I feel so sorry for what those kids have to deal with now just because their parents are morons.

We sealed the deal on the cabin for trade yesterday! We went out on the weekend and had a look-see and it’s fabulous (for those catching up we found an on-line ad offering free rental on a lake front cabin in exchange for yard work). There is a lot of work that needs to get done, but I just happen to have in my possession an unemployed husband and teenager who needs to find a way to pay me back for the cell phone she lost with 26 months remaining on the contract. Hubby and the two oldest are going to head out next week and get most of the trees/bushes cut down and loaded up, and then myself and the little one are going to join them the following week for TWO WHOLE WEEKS at the lake. Ahhhh, the lake. I love the lake. The minute I step out of the car and am surrounded by trees and water I immediately just chill the fuck out.

I’m going to read Catcher and the Rye while I’m on vacation this summer. I’ve always wanted to read it, but have never gotten around to it for some reason. Then I’m going to get a dog and name it Holden Caulfield so everyone will think I’m an intellectual and take me seriously as a writer. Ha! I know, huh? Holla!

The follow are words and phrases I wish I could completely remove from my lexicon without consequence:
- Terms of Reference
- Governance Committee and Board of Directors
- Quarterly report
- Please pass the potato chips
- Where is your cell phone, J?
- Mom, it turns out we’re not going to make it to Winnipeg for a holiday this summer after all….

I think my husband is going to be the best teacher in the whole world. The thought he puts into not only what to teach the kids, but how to teach them is amazing. If all the world’s educators approached their jobs in this way, the planet would be filled with much different people.

I still need a pedicure. I'm prety sure I could sharpen knives on my feet at this point. I should really address this situation before vacation because I’m not planning on wearing shoes for two whole weeks. Hmmm…..maybe I should get one AFTER I’m back from the lake.

That is it for me, now go see Keely – she is queen of all things insightful and visionary. Is that better?
Posted by FoN at 7:58 PM 13 comments: Links to this post 
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty Four

If you recall I was lamenting last week about how we can’t really have it all, I’m happy just to be home for a while with the family, a happy fat is just fine, blah, blah, blah. What a total crock of shit, huh?

Yeah, that is what we call rationalizing a backslide people.

This is an interesting turn of events for me. Traditionally, around the 30 pound down mark something shitty happens to me and I use that as an excuse to stop exercising and start eating chocolate cake for breakfast all the while telling myself that it’s okay because hey! At least I’m eating breakfast, right?

Here I am around the 30 lbs mark and life could not be going more swimmingly. All the things I’ve ever wanted seem to have fallen into place in a way that I never really thought would actually happen. No horrendous loss has befallen me, no reality crushing blow has shaken my foundation…. hell, my biggest worry of late is reserved for the kids of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Oh yeah, did you see him this weekend??? He was photographed in France gallivanting with some chippy – can you believe that? Dumbass. What about the KIDS Jon! Think of the KIDS!!! They’re old enough to read now! How do you think they feel seeing their father with someone else all over a magazine cover? Dumbass! Sorry, back to the fat chick thing....

As I was saying, my life is going just fine, and yet I still find myself in a familiar position - TOTALLY WUSING OUT. Why? Why Why Why is this so hard for me? Why do I fall off the wagon after seeing so much success? Oprah would say that it’s because I have low self esteem and don’t think I’m worthy of a healthy body. Okay, there might be some of that there, but I don’t think that’s the whole answer. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and this time around I think I’m sabotaging myself because I’m worried my contented little life will vanish any day now if I get my weight under control. I know that sounds ridiculous to all of you sane and rational people out there, but I’m a little nutty. I believe that if I get the last major thing in my life that has been a serious problem for me under control I’ll be way too happy and therefore something terrible will happen. Logically I know that’s ridiculous, but that’s where my brain goes. It’s not easy being crazy, trust me.

I have all the tools I need. My whole family is very supportive. I do not have one of those husbands on the reality shows that makes his wife feel like crap every time she leaves him with the kids to go work out. He is all for it – never once has he ever suggested he couldn’t hold down the fort while I went to work out. I know he wants me to get into shape. That poor guy really is pretty screwed. He’s the one with a front row seat watching me give up, and I know how badly he wants to kick my ass and tell me to quit fucking around and get back at ‘er, but he can’t. He has learned that lesson well over the years. If he doesn’t say anything he has to sit back and watch me get fat all over again. If he does say something, he has to watch me have a total freak out, accuse him of not loving me anymore and then have a raging battle that ends in us not speaking. And then he’ll have to watch me get fat all over again anyway.

What I need to do is stop worrying about the things I can’t control and start focusing on what I CAN control. I can’t control when someone I love gets cancer, but I can control my weight and health. There really isn’t a finite amount of good things that can happen to me. Is it temping fate to even write that down?

I have gained five pounds in the last month. That’s a total loss of 23lbs since January, and a whopping 37 pounds to go. Sigh.

Backslide over. And……..here we go!

Posted by FoN at 10:28 AM 6 comments: Links to this post 

Random Tuesday - Americans, toques and mindless drivel. In that exact order. Happy belated Fourth of July you crazy Americans! I love you even though you shun the metric system, and the letter ‘u’ and the tasty goodness that is clamato juice. I hope you all had a blast with your giant trucks, bud light and apple pie. Or grits. What are grits, anyway? I’ve always thought they were some kind of potato concoction, but I’m not exactly sure about that.

Canada Day (our version of Independence Day) is July 1st, so last weekend we went for the obligatory celebrations in the park with over priced concessions, cover-bands and fireworks. I’m REALLY upset I didn’t bring my camera, because some of the people there were awesome. Who knew the Canadian flag made such a good toga?

My daughter is fifteen and desperately trying to find her ‘cool’. I’m usually just fine with this and stand by the motto that as long as she’s not dressed like a whore, she can wear whatever she wants. However, she has recently added a toque to her wardrobe repertoire (that’s a winter hat for all those south of the border). Yes, in JULY. I am usually good at biting my lip when she wears or does something I think is stupid provided it doesn’t cause harm. I shut it when she dyed her hair pumpkin orange. I kept it to my own self when she came home wearing 80’s style flashdance leg warmers. I even managed to let the phase that saw her wearing a skirt and jeans at the SAME TIME go by. However, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut when she left to go to the mall this weekend in a skirt, tank top, flip flops and a wool hat. I knew the minute my ‘why in hell are you wearing a toque in July??’ comment came out of my mouth I had totally screwed myself. That stupid thing has been glued to her head every day since, and I predict will be well into August.

I REALLY need a pedicure.

I think I found an awesome deal for our vacation this year. We are really out of money (the Hubby doesn’t start working until September, so it’s been a little lean around the FoN household recently), but still really want to go somewhere for a holiday this summer. There is this super great used crap website for locals (sort of a Craig’s list type thing) that was advertising a free lakefront cabin about an hour out of town in exchange for someone to stay there and do some landscaping. Perfect!! I love this trade economy that has suddenly sprung up. The people with the cabin can afford to forgo rental income they would make on it, but have no time to deal with the yard work and upkeep. The Hubby has the whole summer off and a ton of free time, but subsequently we have no money to rent a cabin with. Sounds like a perfect match to me! Lakefront even! I have no follow up pithy comment for this, I’m just happy we figured out a way to have a vacation.

Hey – I wonder what kind of service I can offer to get a free pedicure? Surely I must have something to offer. If anyone out there hears of anyone who wants to trade a pedicure for a list of pointless observations and musings give them my email address, okay?

That’s enough from me. Go see Keely, our Captain O’ Captain of pointless observations and musings at the Unmom. She’ll hook you up with lots of drivel. It’s kind of her thing.
Posted by FoN at 8:41 PM 16 comments: Links to this post 
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty Three

So…..this is not going that well. The weight loss thing, that is. Lots of other things are going well, but Fat Chick vs. Food? Not so much.

Keely pointed out to me the other day that not everything can go well all at once. While my first response was of the, ‘No fair!’ variety, she has a good point. Everything requires effort, and most people have a finite amount of effort in them (super mom types aside, but they at least have Percocet). I have a lot of shit I need to pay attention to, and usually one suffers at the hand of the other. It’s a priority thing, I guess.

I can invest my marriage OR weight loss. I can play with my kids OR clean the house. I can go to work OR get all my personal ducks in a row. I have to pick, and there are consequences to each.

I can hang out with my husband who is home every night for the first time in our married life, or I can leave him and the kids and hit the gym. You know how long I’ve been waiting for all of us to be on the same schedule and to be able to do regular things like eat dinner together every night? Fifteen years. No kidding.

I can quit my job and have a beautifully decorated and spotless house, wake up every morning and go for a run, play with the kids whenever I want, etc, or I can earn money and pay for things like shelter and food and clothing. You see where I am going with this.

For the last six months Fat Chick has been a high priority. She has received a lot of attention, and it’s been working! She’s dropped almost 30 pounds! This is quite a bit and has certainly improved my quality of life, my clothing options and fitness level. I’m feeling good. I could be feeling better if I was working on dropping the next 30 pounds, but….the whole priority thing has shifted somewhat.

This is not to say I have given up all together. I’m making concessions here and there. I’ve been taking the stairs quite a bit at work (and I work on the 12th floor, so that’s a lot of stairs), and the other night we all went for a bike ride. Sure, it was to get ice cream, but it was still a bike ride dammit!

I’m going to continue the Fat Chick posts because they keep me honest. I’m also going to start trying to get my family active with me, which shouldn’t be too hard because they love being outside now that summer is finally here. The Hubby and I even tried playing tennis last weekend. I’ve never played tennis before, and not surprisingly I completely suck, but so does he so there is a lot of running after balls going on. I’m hanging in there.

Fat and miserable is a terrible way to live, but I might be okay with fat and happy. For the short-term, anyway. SHORT TERM.
Posted by FoN at 12:07 AM 8 comments: Links to this post 

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