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in the presence of Peace

The past month has tested me; it has tested my persistence, my patience, my intelligence, my abilities, my stamina, and my faith. It's months like these that produce cliche quotes such as, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and embodies the meaning behind James' words, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2-3).

Throughout our son's medical journey, I have had peace that can only be described as supernatural. It has kept me radically calm and steadfast in circumstances, diagnoses, and unknowns that left people unsure of my truthfulness when I told them I was doing well. I have never been lying. I have been sustained; been given every thing I have needed in every moment, through the supernatural peace of The Living God and that peace has allowed for me to be calm, collected, certain. I have not been blanketed with worry and God has been faithful in His promise that I do not need to be.

God provided everything I needed to walk the road we were on.

It did not mean I was never left with questions or that I wasn't concerned for our son's health and wellbeing--of course I was, anything less than that would be neglect and disregard.  In the last year, Hezekiah has endured three surgeries during which 8 different operations have been done and even I have been shocked at the degree of calm I have felt and expressed.

But in the last month... something changed.

For the first time in Hezekiah's medical journey I felt completely at a loss and entirely overwhelmed. I welcomed his new feeding tube with hope and excitement. I saw it as the much needed help to this crisis of weight gain and growth. I still believe that it is, but I did not anticipate the mounting challenges, difficulties and unknowns. I did not anticipate how it would affect his already complex med management. To top it off, his surgery took place just days before resident assistants moved onto campus to begin RA Training with my husband (a Resident Educator).

The few weeks following his surgery are my husband's busiest weeks of the year, so when the new class of freshmen moved in on August 18, I was hiding in our campus apartment, sitting on the floor crying so hard I couldn't go anywhere.

Mostly, I felt alone. Not just physically alone, but alone in my thoughts, my concerns, my calculations, and my decisions. I was completely overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. Something was not right with Hezekiah and I needed help getting answers and resolutions. If I laid out all the details of his pain and the challenges with feedings it would just take too long--you'd stop reading--and the point of what I'm sharing is not to rehash those sucky details of why I was sitting on the floor ugly crying, the point is: I was sitting on the floor ugly crying. Read: desperate low point.

I felt like my insides were imploding. Where was this coming from? Why was I breaking down? I was confused, because I was the all-around healthiest I have been in a long time. I've been exercising almost every day (almost, because I mean, real life here, people), eating well, and making time to be with The Lord and for genuine sabbath in my life. But the reality was, I actually could not stop weeping. How as any of this more difficult than anything we had yet endured? It didn't make sense.

A mentor gently reminded me via text to practice being in God's presence and, to be frank, a part of my insides felt offended as if he had told me to stop my crying! But that isn't what he had said at all, now is it? I began to reflect on the idea of being in God's presence and I chaotically and instantaneously laid out the past year in my mind and compared it to this moment--why now? what about this in particular has me so broken? where did that peace go? what am I doing wrong? I was at a loss on what to do and how to best care for our son and it was hard and uncomfortable.

I was also feeling the tension of the co-existing paradox of my internal being and my external behavior. In my spirit, I had peace. I had already gone through my truth list and I was certain of God's sovereignty and goodness. Yet my external behavior was a circus of all signs pointing to, "No peace here!"

And then somehow... sort of like that moment when a blurry image comes into full focus... I recognized being in God's presence exactly how I was.

The enemy had been whispering lies to me that I couldn't actually be in God's presence and still be a wreck. Being in God's presence promised to bring peace so I obviously didn't know how to draw near to Him since my flesh was anything but 'peaceful'.

But I was there. I was right there at the foot of the throne of a High Priest who can empathize with my weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). I was sitting in the presence of the Prince of Peace and He was leaning in closer to me just as I was.

Recognizing God's presence didn't make me stop crying; it didn't take away my responsible concern for my son and it didn't make me feel like it needed to. God's presence in my struggle allowed me to be weak, to express everything that was inside without any guilt or shame as if feeling anything but peace is somehow a lack of faith.

On the contrary--God's peace is God's presence and sovereignty in the struggle. Recognizing it, embracing it, hoping in it, believing it is there and that it is big enough to console you in your struggle and carry you through, that is faith.

Two days after that long afternoon and evening of doctor appointments and questions, I was the sole party responsible for accidentally yanking Hezekiah's g-tube straight from his tiny tender stomach with the balloon still inflated.

Friends, saying I was a hot mess is an understatement.

And you know who was right there with me? Well besides my panicked husband, my slightly traumatized 7-year-old, and my oblivious 3-year-old...   the Prince of Peace.

And you know what I didn't hear The Prince speaking over me, "You need to calm down. Stop crying. Think about this logically. Everything is fine. Don't you have my peace? Relax." (all those things worked up women LOVE to hear 😉) No, Peace was just there. Like that loyal friend who sits close to you in your darkest hour and just feels with you instead of offering up a gamut of solutions. Like a parent who scoops up their wounded child and rocks them back and forth offering only a "shh shh shh, I'm right here. I'm right here."

For whatever reason, this whole feeding tube bit and all its challenges had me crazy weak, baffled, and unsure how to proceed, but I am practicing being in the presence of the Prince of Peace just as I am--no facades, no getting fixed-up first, no in-front-of-guests' behavior--and it's crazy amazing. I'm learning more about God's love, God's goodness, and this mind-boggling peace that transcends our understanding and our flesh. I'm seeing it at new depths and through a new lens.

I'm not done crying.
I'm not done pouring over numbers, calculating feedings and medications, or asking lots of questions.
I'm not done carrying the appropriate weight of responsibility as my son's advocate and care-taker.
I'm not done making mistakes and feeling terrible about them.
I'm not done being a hot mess on any given day of the week.

So I'm going to keep leaning into the Prince of Peace just as I am, because He loves me and that's enough to transform who I am for the better and sustain me for whatever lies ahead.

Posted by Sara Jo at 8:25 PM 5 comments: 
the return is always worth the investment

Truth: I started this blog SIX MONTHS AGO, and just now came back to finish it. So here it is!

I don't know how long ago it was now, probably eight months, but someone asked us a question that really got me thinking (read: feeling insecure and uncertain). He asked why we had fundraised for our adoption when it was apparent that my parents are so wealthy. He wanted to know why they hadn't provided the $40k for us and why we asked others to help us.

I'll tell you how I responded in just a moment, but first take a walk with me in the fragility of my insecure mind of the flesh. I started wondering, "How many people are wondering that!? How many people are thinking that?! What were we thinking asking people for MONEY?!"

It really nagged at me and I had to dig in deep to understand why I was wrestling with feelings of embarrassment, but I quickly recognized that the insecurity was rooted in my fear of people not trusting us. After my detour into shame and insecurity, I came back to the Truth I already knew and it was the Truth with which I answered his question.

"My parents would have helped us if they could. For many reasons that aren't mine to share they could have only come up with that money for us quickly if they had taken it from their retirement--which they were willing to do--but we did not believe that was how God was going to provide for us. And if they had just covered the cost for us easy-peasy then God wouldn't have received near the glory that He has received in this process. So that's why."

I want to unpack what I mean by God being glorified in this process.

So...nearly 15 months ago we stepped out in faith; we counted the cost--quite literally (about $40k)--and plunged forward with an opportunity to adopt. We had a whole $8k in our savings and had been approved for a $10k Consumer Credit Line from our bank.  We were still $22k short of what we needed.

Here's a pic from an actual page in my journal the week we were matched. I wrote it during a staff meeting devotional about counting the cost to follow Jesus (I work at a church): We prayed... and prayed... and prayed.. and listened... and listened... and listened some more.

And without any shame we sent an email out to family and friends telling them our amazing news and inviting them to pray with us for the funds to come in and telling them how they could contribute if The Lord led them. We were trying to obey Jesus and we were going to need some help to do that, so we asked for help.

But that isn't always how the world views it--Why would we adopt if we didn't already have the money? If we didn't have the money to adopt why did we think we had the money to take care of a child with special needs?

Okay... all SUPER LOGICAL questions... I get that. But our God is so much bigger than our logic and God's wisdom is foolishness to the world.

So we threw off those questions and doubts and fears and trusted that where God led us He would make it possible for us to go.

And God did.

I could tell you so many stories of how God miraculously provided for us through the generosity of others. I am humbled by the gifts and the hard work of so many people. It is humbling and inspiring, but it is not embarrassing. The enemy wants me to believe that I should be embarrassed, but I refuse to agree with this lie.

The day we found out Hezekiah's birthmother wanted us to be his forever family is the day we sent that email to all of our family and friends explaining the situation and the need; the email asking for help. That night I got home late from a church meeting and a couple about 20 years our senior came to our home and sat across from us in our living room. They had received the email and honestly, in my fear and insecurity, I thought they might be there to advise us on all of the things we maybe had not considered with special needs. Instead, they reached out and handed us a $1,000 check.
I almost ugly cried y'all.
The best way I can describe what it felt like is this: God had called us to this mountain and we were standing at the foot of it. We trusted and knew that He would show us the way over it and we were so eager to climb to the top, but we honestly didn’t know how to get there and we certainly knew we couldn’t do it on our own.
This first gift–this couple sitting in our living room–became the extension of God’s majestic arm reaching down to offer us a hand.
We took hold of Him and his faithfulness with grateful and expectant hearts; and somehow, miraculously, more hands reached out; more extensions of God’s love and provision for us, and when we made it to the top we knew exactly who had placed us there.
God loves for us to be desperate for Him, because we get to see more of who He is and how He loves us when we are; only through our weakness and inabilities do we experience the fullness of God's power and grace. Grace is not only the free pardon we receive through Jesus; Grace is also a supernatural force that sustains us and makes it possible for us to follow Jesus wherever He leads.
God provided for us through the generosity of others and by giving us the personal self-discipline to pay off debt. When Hezekiah was just under 6 months old we didn't owe a single penny for an adoption that cost well over $40k. That is only possible because of The Lord--He gets ALL the credit. And that's why I am glad we had to ask for help, glad we had to lean on other believers, glad we didn't have enough on our own--because I want to stay in this humble and desperate place where I get to see more and more of Jesus, where he gets more and more of the praise and glory, and where I get to be a part of the Bride of Christ that holds one another up and meets their needs just like in Acts 2:44-45, just like how God designed it to be.
"All the believers were together and had everything in common.  They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need."
Go follow Jesus, no matter the cost--the return is always worth the investment.
Posted by Sara Jo at 4:07 PM No comments: Labels: adoption, cost, follow, funding, fundraising, Grace, investment, power


Grace is the how

So how do we do it? 


Puzzle Pieces 


We also got started with 35kcampaign one month earlier than expected!

For all these things we Praise God!

Posted by Sara Jo at 7:26 AM No comments: 


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