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The Adventures of P and H - The Denouement 

“As if that matters."

“I haven’t even finished my third.”

“You selfish cunt!" creamed a suddenly panicky H.

“Fuck you.”

“When’s fucking Vince arriving?”

“Vince? Who the fuck’s Vince?”

“Your mate, Vince.”

“You appear to be senile.”

“Oh, not Vince. Arne!”



“You mean Earl?”

“So he’s really narrowed it down.”

“Why the fuck would I want to?”

“Ok, you’re on.”

“You just said you would!”

“You couldn’t.”

“I’ll put money on it.”

“How much?”

“A hundred bucks.”

“Not enough. It’s days out of my life.”

“I won’t watch you.”

“How will you know I’ve done it?”

“I’ll quiz you on it.”

“Two hundred bucks?”

“Ok. Go!”

“How long do you think it will take?”

“I dunno. Fifty hours.”

“Are you an imbecile?”

“It’s 1000 pages!”

“No it isn’t!”

“At least.”

“Let me get it.”

“It’s 1232,” he announced.

“Well calculated.”

“Which is about 20 hours.”

“Uh huh.”

“Am I allowed to sleep?” asked P.

“Just read fast.”

“I might die.”

“Two hundred?”

“So with each break you’ll stop the clock?”

“Yeah, it’ll be like time out.”

“Ok. Do you think Lou will arrive soon?”

“Lou? Who’s that?”

“Your mate Lou from Melbourne.”



“Yeah except I’ll be spending it reading fucking Hugo.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Whaddya mean? You bet me two hundred bucks!”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to.”

“That’s what I’d do.”

“Fucking nerd.”

“Fine, whatever.”

“Have fun folding t-shirts, you cad.”

“That repulses me.”

“Fuck off.”

“You’d fucken better, you ball-less hack.”

“You’ll get over it, piss-face.”

“In two hours so we’d better fucken hurry.”

“It’s just over at Pireus. Seven kilometres away.”

“We’d better get a cab,” decided P.

“Hey, what if Evan arrives when we’re away?”

“Who the fuck’s Evan?”


“Yes! Earl!” shouted H.

“I’ve left a note and a map with Maria.”

“He knows nothing about the t-shirt factory.”

“I told you numerous times.”

“Making small talk?” suggested H.

“Washing dishes?”

“Think of the women there.”

“T-shirts pay better,” pointed out H. patchouligirl said...

You've captured marriage perfectly Bob. One long squabble-fest until you stop speaking.

November 21, 2009 at 10:25 PM wari lasi said...

I thought Perseus was going to be telling this story? You're beating him now two posts to one.

I know this has been "humoured up" for our benefit, but did you guys actually relate to each other like that? With the word fuck inserted into almost every sentence?

November 22, 2009 at 8:57 AM Lewd Bob said...

This is a coincidence only. I started posting this fictionalised version a few months ago, before Perseus announced his intentions. I therefore thought I'd bring it to a quick conclusion to get it out of the way before he started.

And H isn't me. It's another guy. I'm Earl. And the swearing? Nah. This isn't really representative of P and H at all. Their story just gave me a starting point and some story ideas. In fact, the adventures of P & H are tangential asides to the main story, which revolves around my own squalid ambulations across Europe. That story will not be posted here.

November 22, 2009 at 9:40 AM 
Bloody hell. Using words like tangential and ambulations this early on a Sunday. You clearly had less to drink last night than I did.

It's piss funny, don't stop now.

November 22, 2009 at 9:55 AM 
Not too much to drink, but I did eat half a sheep at our local Turkish restaurant last night - despite my previously stated disdain for the creature. Of course, doner is only barely recognisable as meat.

November 22, 2009 at 10:50 AM Melba said...

Well, I got a big sense of deja vu reading that. How odd that all those years ago, in another city in another country, Perseus was being challenged to read a particular literary tome for a $200wager when years later, a group of bloggers pledged all manner of reward if he could do a similar read-a-thon (War and Peace) over a long weekend.


And I suspect this one won't as well. It's true that some things just never change.

And one question. Is it possible for a man to pee and poo at the same time? I've sometimes wondered. Women can do it; sometimes it's unavoidable.

November 22, 2009 at 2:58 PM 
Melba, all I can tell you is as far as I know, this particular bet did take place (it may or may not have involved a cash incentive) and as far as Perseus claims, he read Les Miserable in one 'sitting'.

As to pooing and weeing at the same time, firstly it seems we're willing to discuss anything here and secondly, yes, it's possible.

November 22, 2009 at 7:11 PM 
Interesting. Thank you Bob. I didn't just come up with that question though. It was in the dialogue.

November 22, 2009 at 8:16 PM 
Yes I know. But you'd thought about it before. Anyway, physiology is very interesting.

November 22, 2009 at 8:25 PM eat my shorts said...

But ...


I don't understand.

I've clearly led a sheltered life.

November 22, 2009 at 9:19 PM 
Bob, I'll leave it to you, unless you'd like me to have a crack at it?

November 22, 2009 at 9:24 PM 
Well one of you needs to.

How will I sleep tonight if I don't know? Hm?

November 22, 2009 at 9:31 PM 
Well I reckon you'd be sitting on the loo, and just tuck the penis inside the toilet bowl and then you could wee and poo at the same time.

It's the only way.

November 22, 2009 at 9:35 PM 
I guess logic would tell us that.

I honestly can't think of another way it could be done.

November 22, 2009 at 10:05 PM 
I honestly can't understand why you're discussing it.

Fuck it was hot in Sydney today.

November 22, 2009 at 10:27 PM Perseus said...

I started 'Les Mis' on Friday night, finished it Sunday night. It had something to do with France.

I got a coffee, not $200.

November 23, 2009 at 7:36 AM 
Bang on, Melba. Can we move on now?

November 23, 2009 at 7:55 AM Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I know from personal experience that it's possible to poo and vomit at the same time.

Now, let us turn to more uplifitng matters.

November 23, 2009 at 9:31 AM 
My work here is done.

Next thread!

PS Perseus, wouldn't you even like to know what my pledge was going to be to you for reading W&P in a long weekend?

A bad op shop seascape, just the way you like your art.

November 23, 2009 at 4:49 PM 

Because it's there.

We could always discuss your love life instead, if that'd make you less queasy Wari.

I'm more than happy to leave the poo/wee thread in the past now that my curiosity has been sated.

November 24, 2009 at 12:59 PM catlick said...

Have you noticed that dogs and perhaps even cats wee and poo as separate activities. And they have great flow control.

November 24, 2009 at 1:06 PM 
Let's not go there EMS. It's a squalid, squalid story.

November 24, 2009 at 4:36 PM 
I dunno, I met a cat once who chose to do both activities at the same time.

It did get skittled by a truck on the highway in the end though, so perhaps we shouldn't live by it's example. Poor little bugger.

How squalid exactly? Don't tease.

November 25, 2009 at 1:44 AM Mr E Discharge said...

Fuxache Wari,
You've been dropping hints about this for weeks now!

Ok, so it's squalid. So what?

It may have escaped your attention but sordid tales of moral turpitude are what made Perseus what he is today.

You too can be an emotionally shattered recluse living in a God foresaken Coastal backwater!

Carpe Diem!

November 25, 2009 at 9:13 AM 
It involves one departing my premises today actually. Me going back to Asia on December 12 and returning not necessarily alone a week later. It involves Perseus' comment about a picture I sent him. And I quote, "It looks like a picture of a middle aged guy with two hookers" To which I replied, "It IS a picture of a middle aged guy with two hookers". It involves my thoughts on prostitution and the nature of relationships in general, and I have lots of experience, unfortunately. Not with hookers, just relationships.

It is a work in progress and I will deliver. Well I'll deliver it to Perseus, as I don't have posting privileges of course. He'll no doubt then decide whether it is a tale worthy of gracing this hallowed piece of cyberspace.

November 25, 2009 at 10:44 AM 
this hallowed piece of cyberspace

I guess by hallowed you mean debauched.

November 25, 2009 at 5:54 PM 
Pretty well Bob, pretty well.

I'm talking like that after watching The Castle last night. Fuck me, what a classic. How such a dag can be such a good bloke.

November 25, 2009 at 8:59 PM 
Jesus, I was logged in as Rachael again!

It's me really, she was allowed on the computer for 5 minutes to check gmail and I post like a dickhead without checking the identity.

I could have deleted and and re posted but who could be bothered? I did it once before.

November 25, 2009 at 9:33 PM 
Thanks Rach.

November 26, 2009 at 10:04 PM 
People who are screaming "Go, Albo, go!" Sprach so die Ratternmassen