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Yummy, inedible Spam

I love spam emails. The subject lines are so friendly:

"Aloha! Here is what you were looking for"- wow really? someone knows exactly what I was looking for! how nice! its unfortunate of course that they are selling me phone tracking devices to investigate "untrustworthy loved ones" (actual quote).- it isn't what I am looking for quite yet.

"Wet and waiting for you all night"- I'm so sorry, but I do not want wet/dry unimaginables any time of the day/night. Sorry to hurt your feelings.

"I found a key is it yours"- Proper punctuation aside, its hardly likely.

"Housewives wanted"- by who? I'm not one and don't want one.

"At last found you" - now lose me. fast.

"This Spanish wants to talk to you"- me habla minimal espanol- sorry.

"Colon Cleanse" - They care about my health! aww how nice.

I can also "lose 30 lbs in 30 days"- lovely.

"Girls wont dump you anymore"- thank goodness for that!

Then there are the emails themselves- and I seem to keep winning lotteries! yay! Notice how the promotion manager is a Dr.

VERMONT LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL <email@example.com>firstname.lastname@example.org
dateTue, Mar 17, 2009 at 7:13 AM
Dear Winner,
Your e-mail attached to Winning Numbers 1 - 4 - 26 - 32 - 39 - PB -18,which consequently won the lottery in the 1st category. You have just wonyourself the sum of ONE MILLION GBPOUNDS in the satellite software emaillottery conducted by Vermont Lottery Promotion.You are to contact ourCLAIMS OFFICER with the information below for Clearance.
CONTACT NAME: Mr. Ray GibsonCITY/ COUNTRY: LONDON, ENGLAND.TELEPHONE: + 447031922810, + 447031910579EMAIL: email@example.com
Congratulations once more!!!
Dr. Grace PlaterPromotion Manager.
Apparently I am internationally famous, even among professors in the bylanes of Dublin:

The Irish Lottery11 G Lower Dorset street,Dublin Ireland.
Reference Number:RFIR/5043/3223/66Batch number:B5/R565-33
Dear Selected winner,
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash Prize of1,801,613.00 Euro(1 Million,Eight Hundred and One Thousand,Six Hundred andThirteen Euros) in cash.from International programme held on the 13thMarch 2009 in the United Kingdom.The selection process was carried out through random selection in ourcomputerised email selection system from a database of over 250,000 emailaddresses drawn from all the continents of the world which your email wasamong the first ten (10) lucky winners.
Contact the verification department by providing yourReference Number:RFIR/5043/3223/66Batch number:B5/R565-33
You are also advised to provide him with the under listed informations.
1:Full Name___2:Home Address___3:Nationality And PresentCountry___4:Age___5:Occupation___6:Phone/Fax/Sex
Email:firstname.lastname@example.org Now: +44 70457 0955
Yours Truly,Prof. Collette James.Co-Coordinator (Online Promo Programme).
And this of course has to be every one's all time favorite:

from dr_mohamed aziz <email@example.com>firstname.lastname@example.org
to dateWed, Mar 25, 2009 at 10:25 AM

Dear Friend
This letter must come to you as a big surprise,please kindly accept my apology for sending unsolicited mail to you I believe you are a highly respected personality considering the fact that I sourced your profile from a human resource profile database on your country. But please kindly delete this mail from your mail box if you are not intrested. I am DR. MOHAMED AZIZ, currently Auditing and Accounting Unit Manager with a reputable bank here,Bank Of Africa (BOA).I write you this proposal in good faith, believing that I can trust you with the information I am about to reveal to you.
The Business I am proposing to you is in respect of the sum of US$17,500,000.00(Seventeen Million Five hundred Thousand Dollars only) deposited in a Dollar account with my bank which belonged to Late Mr.Adreas Schranner an American who unfortunately lost his life in the plane crash of Alaska Airlines Flight 261 which crashed on January 31st 2000, including his wife. You shall read more about the crash by visiting this website; http://www.cnn.com/2000/US/02/01/alaska.airlines.list
My bank has made several efforts in contacting the family of Late Mr.Adreas Schranner or his relatives, but all effort have proved abortive as he had no identifiable kin's men. This sum of US$17.5m has remained unclaimed ever since then and nobody has come forward as his next of kin. The management under the influence of our chairman and member of the board of Directors has made an arrangement for the fund to be declared 'UNCLAIMABLE' and subsequently be turned to the reserve account of the bank. It is against the background of the foregoing, that i have decided to contact you for assistance and partnership, for you to stand as the next of kin to Late Mr.Adreas Schranner.
Because the banking law and guidelines here stipulates that if such money remained after 9years, the money will be transferred into banking treasury as unclaimed funds. With your permission this fund will be transferred to your private account abroad as the beneficiary and next of kin to Late Mr.Adreas Schranner All proof of claim and necessary documentation will be carefully worked out in your favour and I assure you of 100% risk free involvement and protection. Consequently, if you find this proposal acceptable to you and you wish to assist me, I expect your urgent response. Note that on the transfer of this fund into your account,35% will be your share in respect of the account provision and your assistance rendered during the transfer of the fund into your account, 55% will be my share being the codinator and the pillar of the transaction while the rest 10% will map out incase of any expensis that may occure during the transfer proccess.
Please endeavor to include your full name and address, private phone and fax number for our easy communication.Please keep our dealings very private and confidential. As I await your urgent response.
Thank you and best regards.
Your's Faithfully,
Posted by Shweta Mehrotra Gahlawat at 4:07 PM JJC said...

ah i hate those

April 10, 2009 at 3:21 AM 
lol- theyre so crazy :)

April 10, 2009 at 8:18 AM