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The Loss of a Gift

Posted by Kat Cross at 10:04 PM 1 comment: 
A Night Owl No Longer... In My Dreams Labels: Morning Person, Night Owl, Sleep


Walking Through the Pain Labels: Emotions, Memories, Pain

Family Bonding Posted by Kat Cross at 8:18 PM 2 comments: 
Speed Play 

Posted by Kat Cross at 11:17 PM 1 comment: 
The Fork in the Road... Or Is It? Labels: Paths, Robert Frost, Seattle


Peace Be the Journey Labels: Beer, Marathons, Runners World, Running


Delusions of Grandeur... They'll Kill You Every Time

I have to admit i've had trouble writing/blogging lately. I kept starting posts and quickly got discouraged because I wasn't happy with the words on the page. I'd give it a few more tries and then delete the whole thing altogether. The problem I believe was building delusions of grandeur.
There are a few blogs that I read religiously ... Tina at CarrotsnCake, Sarah at Sarahfit, Morgan at Runningbums, and Megan at Emsiepilove. These blogs are amazing and my inspiration to start a blog in the first place. However, trying to measure up to them and still be me is a bit overwhelming. Luckily my blogs were well received... even if it was mostly by friends and family. I started thinking well maybe one day I could make a career out of this as Tina and Sarah have done, this is right around the time that the fitblogger convention happened and these two started writing blogs about how to make blogging a full time job. Suddenly I was second guessing every word of every sentence. I was wondering what I should focus my blog on, what would people want to read about rather then what I wanted to focus on and what I wanted to write about. Big mistake!
I started keeping a journal last year on my trip through Europe. At first it was just a way to document the daily happenings of our trip, however it quickly become an outlet for all the thoughts I was having that kept swirling around in my head. It was much easier to move onto the next thought if I wrote down the first one and could stop pondering it. It was also easier to solve my problems once I got them down on paper. My blog was just a natural extension of that, my posts were just thoughts that I couldn't stop thinking about and needed to expand upon.
I want to continue to make that the focus of my blog... but that doesn't mean that's all I can write about. I'm officially giving myself permission to write about whatever the hell I feel like. It's beyond me why I feel the need to give myself permission in the first place... but i'm odd and I accept that.
Posted by Kat Cross at 7:12 PM 1 comment: 
Monday Monday... So good to me!

This is the follow up to my half marathon weekend post. Monday needed a post all on it's own.
Do you ever have one of those days where everything just falls into place? This was one of those days. The morning started off with a raid of clothes that Morgan was giving away... new running clothes??? Yes please! Then we headed of to the adorable Pannikin for coffee, muffins, cinnamon rolls and carrot cake... yeah yeah I know not exactly healthy but we couldn't decide!
The crazy part was when we parked in front of Pannikin I looked up and the shopping center in front of me looked really familiar with its cute little yellow buildings and I knew I'd seen it before. Turns out I'd seen it in pictures from numerous Google searches. One of the stores was DeepFling... a store that specializes in Scandinavian clothes and jewelry. I had been wanting to go there for months because they carry the jewelry line from Sweden that Carly and I fell in love with on our trip. We were sad to find that it didn't open for another hour but it turned out to be fortuitous because Morgan joined us for breakfast half way through when she was done with her workout and we all trouped over there afterword. Carly decided to buy herself a graduation present. Or maybe a couple graduation presents... Then we said good bye to Morgan and got in the car and Carly points to this tattoo parlor in front of us and says, "That's where I almost got my nose pierced." I told her that I had been considering getting a tattoo for a while now and that I had promised myself if I finished the race I would finally get it. Before I knew it she was on the phone asking Morgan if it was a good place for tattoos and Morgan was flipping a u-turn.
I had decided long ago that I would get the word Balance on my wrist. When the tattoo guy asked me why I was getting it I told him it represented my life over the past year. I explained that I had spent the last four years almost completely focused on academia which led to a fairly sedentary life with no time for anything else like I don't know ... exercise. This year had been all about seeking a life of balance. I didn't wan't to be focused on any one thing. I think it can best be summed up by the Einstein quote, "Life is like riding a bicycle, one can only move forward with balance." He also asked about the race and the reasons why I run which I could repeat but Morgan does it so much better in her blog soo... http://runningbums.blogspot.com/2011/06/its-not-about-performance-its-about.html.
The actual process of getting the tattoo was much more painful then I anticipated. Apparently the wrist is one of the most painful spots to get a tattoo. I probably should have figured that out before hand huh? Oh well. Luckily I had Carly to hold my hand through it all and Morgan to document the experience. Don't you think this girl should go into photo journalism? Over a week has gone by and I'm still ecstatic about it. Not only is it a daily reminder to seek balance whether that be between exercising and my ever present need to eat cake or between enjoying things that are safe and comforting while still remembering the reward that comes from pushing myself out of my comfort zone and trying new things. It's also a reminder of this amazing weekend that I got to spend with wonderful people doing something I never thought I could.
Posted by Kat Cross at 8:53 PM 1 comment: Labels: Cake, Running, Tattoos


I Can See for Miles and Miles

I'm finally getting a chance to sit down and write about my marathon weekend or half marathon to be more precise. I wish I would have written about it sooner as all the thoughts and experiences would have been fresh in my mind, but this week has been crazy busy. I have to say I was scared of this race, scared that I wouldn't be able to finish. Luckily I had a team of motivators telling me I'd be ok... that I'd make it. I also knew that if I didn't at least try I'd regret it.
So Friday I drove down to San Diego to pick up all my race stuff and got to spend the day with my cousin Mike, his wife Magdalene, and their daughter Emma. Mike ran the full and Meg ran the half with me. It was an eye opening day of vendors selling shirts with slogans like, "If you see me pass out please turn off my Garmin" and "In my dreams I'm Kenyan". I also saw every possible protein bar and GU flavor imaginable. I got to meet the famous Josh Cox, a runner whom I'd only learned about a week earlier. The real treat of the day was having lunch at the Stone Brewery in Escondido. Lunch was delicious with tofu stir-fry and jalapeno hummus, the beer was even better of course. I got the Stone IPA and it was amazing. Even got a souvenir t-shirt!
Saturday was the day of burritos! I have to say one of my favorite parts of running is now carbo loading... I had one burrito from Taco Factory for lunch and another from Chipotle on my way down to San Diego after I picked up my friend Carly from Riverside. Carly and I were staying with her sister Morgan and Morgan's boyfriend Sergio. Both Morgan and Sergio are elite runners and over the weekend I got an introduction into their world. The ride down to SD included a warning session from Carly on what to expect. The most memorable sentence was, " oh and they sleep in a tent so there's a slight hum from the generator". Huh??? Apparently, some elite athletes utilize an oxygen tent to simulate the effects of living in a high altitude environment. Morgan says, "Yeah, all I had to do was sell my car." This was just the beginning of the crazy. They're room is also covered in at least 50 pairs of running shoes in every color imaginable... good thing they work in a running shoe store huh?
Sunday morning we "woke up" at around 4 am. I never actually fell asleep so waking up at that god awful hour wasn't all that difficult. Sergio drove us to the race, with Morgan blasting European techno from the passenger seat. I'm not sure this was motivational but it made us laugh and took my mind off my worries and doubts. The perks of knowing elite runners is you get the VIP treatment, especially if your driver is last years half marathon winner. So we got to avoid having to find a place to park and needing to take shuttles to the starting line. I also got to hang out in the VIP area before the race... that's right... VIP access to the porta-potties. After that I went to find Meg so we could find our corral where we waited for our turn to start, in a race of over 32,000 you can't all start at once. When we finally got started I actually felt really good and was able to run for about three miles before needing to walk. It was awesome to have so many people cheering on the side of the road and there was bands playing every mile or so. Plus I had Megan next to me who somehow had the ability to talk, sing, dance, and yell while still running. We had to split up around mile 5 for a bathroom break and after that I was alone. I had a few brief conversations with those around me, a lady in her 60's was worried she wasn't gonna make it but she was giving it all she had. Around mile 6 my foot that I'd injured two weeks earlier really started to ache and I started praying that it wouldn't get any worse. Luckily I came upon a Medical tent not too long after that and got some Tylenol. What a godsend! I have to say I actually teared up when I finally saw that 12 mile marker and then out of no where I spot Carly in the crowd and she jumps off the curb to run the last mile with me. We came across Magdalene shortly after that whose knee had locked up a mile back and had been walking. We toughed it out and ran the last .1 mile and crossed the finish line with our hands raised and smiles on our faces in 2:48. After the race was more VIP treatment, and meeting up with Mike who finished the full in 4:20 and then it was time for a shower, yet another burrito (this time a Jamaican veggie burrito from Mozy's in Enscinitas) and then 3 hours laying on a beautiful beach with Carly doing nothing but getting burnt and trying erase the lovely sports bra and capri tan I acquired that morning. It was truly an amazing weekend and I'm so glad I decided to run it. I can't begin to describe how grateful I am to Mike, Meg, Carly, Morgan and Sergio for all the help and motivation over the past few weeks. I'm sure this will not be my last race and i'm looking forward to future half marathons and maybe even a full some day but I know I'll never forget how special this first one was.
Posted by Kat Cross at 10:18 PM 1 comment: 
Running From the Voices of My Past Isn't it interesting how our pasts have such a large affect on our thoughts and actions in the present? Unfortunately it's usually in a negative capacity. There exists this little voice inside of me that has the power to completely over rule my ability to think logically. Take for example when I was recovering the flu, as soon as the symptoms started to lessen I was back to the gym. As soon as I could run without coughing I started running again. It didn't seem to matter that everyone told me I needed to let my body heal, there was that voice telling me that this was just an obstacle and the old me would have let it get in the way, but I wasn't gonna do that this time. What happened? I got sick again. But it wasn't that bad right? Just some kidney pain... that shouldn't affect my running... I had a half marathon approaching at breakneck speed after all.
So last Wednesday I got up early and went for a run. I couldn't run for more than a minute without needing to walk. I felt terrible the rest of the day and could barely keep my eyes open. I was so angry at myself, I felt like I should have been able to push myself harder, if I could just change my mindset maybe I'd find the strength to run harder. Luckily I had a friend who told me what an idiot I was being and it made me stop and think long enough to realize that my body was screaming at me that it was doing all it possibly could to heal itself and I wasn't helping matters. So I stopped running for a week and guess what? I had the best run ever tonight. I ran four miles with no problems and I could have run another two, luckily this time that voice in my head told me to stop and I actually listened. For once it took more willpower to stop then to push myself harder.
Our days are filled with the voices of our past. Whether it be our own voice or the voices of those around us. Some are positive and they remind us of the right thing to do in a certain situation. Others prey on our deepest insecurities to the point where we lose our ability to think logically and all we want to do is prove it wrong. We have this need to prove that we're changing and evolving and learning from past mistakes. This doesn't have to be a bad thing as long as we remember all things must exist in moderation... a balance between determination and logic. Listen to more than just that one voice, listen to your friends and family who have your best interests at heart and most importantly listen to your own voice... here and now. Your current voice knows far more about the person you have become then the voices of your past.
Posted by Kat Cross at 11:03 PM 1 comment: Labels: Exercise, Illness, Running


A Different Approach

I haven't written for awhile. First I was sick with the plague and then my body decided to throw another obstacle in my way and gave me a kidney infection. In fact my body has been so kind as to bless me with three urinary tract infections in the past three months...how kind right? Every time I went to my doctor he would give me yet another antibiotic and had no interest in finding out why I kept getting them or how to keep me from getting another. So this time I said screw it. I decided to see a naturopathic doctor. What is a naturopathic doctor you might ask? It's a doctor who focuses more on a whole body preventative approach to medicine. They also focus on encouraging the body's natural healing abilities through the use of supplements and changes to your diet.
As far as i'm concerned this is the best doctor I've ever had the pleasure of being examined by. He spent two hours asking me a plethora of questions about my health, diet, family, and medical history and then went through page after page of directions on the supplements I should take, the foods I should start eating more of and those I should stay away from. On the list of foods I have to stay away from... tomatoes, citrus, carbs, sugar, and caffeine. Not the easiest thing in the world. Hello i'm a girl! I need carbs and sugar like a panda needs bamboo. It's integral to my outlook on the world. I'm a firm believer that a piece of chocolate cake can bring about world peace. I haven't been able to give it up completely...but i'm trying. I'm also taking so many supplements that my purse now rattles when I walk. Probiotics, vitamin c, d-mannose, cranberry pills... I got it all.
So is it working??? I've now had two full days without pain! Better yet, I know what I need to do to make sure I don't get another infection. I'm cautiously hopeful that I'll be able to stay healthy without the aid of antibiotics. Hopefully life should return to "normal" now and I'll get back to writing.
Posted by Kat Cross at 10:58 PM No comments: Labels: Diet, Health, Infections, Naturopathy


Look for the Bare Necessities The other day I was flipping through channels when I stopped on a show called Million Dollar Rooms. There was this woman on there talking about how she had spared no expense in decorating her closet. She had built display cases for her Chanel purses and the chandelier was made in France with 18ct gold, all the door pulls were also 18ct gold and she spent 10,000 dollars alone on a rug with the Chanel logo on it. She just "had to have it". I couldn't help but think about all the children in the world who go hungry or sleep on the streets and here she was spending her money on rugs. What would the world be like if people like that did some good with their money instead of spending it on material goods. Shame on her right!
Then I thought about the shoes I had bought that day that I just "had to have". Was I so different? She is living within her means and is spending her money on extraneous things that she believes are necessary for her daily life or her happiness. Do we not all do the same thing? I know I do. I have 11 pairs of Converse! Is that not ridiculous? Would a child in Alabama who lives in trailer and lives on food stamps not look at my closet and find me ridiculous?
It's interesting that growing up in the society that we do, shapes our opinions on what we consider necessary for daily life. Perhaps if I had grown up in a wealthier family I too may spend large sums of money on Chanel purses and see no problem with it. God I hope not! But the truth of the matter is that I still spend far too much on things that really are not necessary and there are people in the world that are barely making it from day to day.
Now i'm not saying we should all become minimalists and only spend money on food and necessary clothing. But I wan't to challenge myself to re-examine what I consider necessary. Perhaps I can put part of the money I spend in Target tank tops into my next trip to Italy or Switzerland. I'd rather spend money on experiences and activities rather than things anyway. The rest should go to those who really need it, with all the devastation in the world right now brought on by recent natural disasters and the state of the economy the state of my wardrobe loses it's importance. I have a responsibility as a human being to give what I can no matter the size of my bank account.
Ok... I'm stepping down from my soapbox now.
Posted by Kat Cross at 10:05 PM No comments: Labels: donations, possessions, wealth


Momma's don't let Your Baby's Grow Up to be Cowboys I have been sick since last Monday with what I affectionately term "the plague". The plague came upon our family by way of a very sick little boy... my nephew Aiden whom my aunts and cousins and I all helped baby sit two weekends ago. He came into contact with 7 members of my family and only 1 avoided said plague.
Since then I have left the house exactly twice and had contact with very few people as to keep further transmission of illness to a minimum. I have been exceedingly fortunate to have my own private nurse and cheerleader these past two weeks. People claim they have the best mom in the world... they don't have my mom. I'm nearly 23 years old and I have to say I thank the lord every day for blessing me with my mommy. Yes that's right, on rare occasions when I'm feeling especially pathetic, or weak, or simply overwhelmingly grateful I still call my mom "mommy". I don't believe I will ever reach an age where I cease to do so.
I have held off from writing about my mom because it is one of the hardest things I can imagine doing. The act of putting all the beauty that is my mom into words is impossible. Don't get me wrong... I love my dad and I admire so many aspects of his character and his heart. But my mom and I share a relationship that far exceeds the typical mother/daughter relationship. She is my true and always best friend. I look at her with wonder and fail to see how I can ever measure up. I once told her that if I become half the mother and woman that she is I will consider myself successful as a human being. I still believe this and strive for it.
When I was about 11 I think, I decided that I wanted to play roller hockey. I remember the day of my try-out with unfailing clarity that refuses to dim with time. I was terrible!!! They had us skate around the rink doing different things like skating backwards or skating with the puck. I took three times as long as everyone else and fell over and over again. This adorable little girl came down from the stands and stood at the glass over me and asked if I was ok. I made it through long enough to get outside and dissolve into tears of utter embarrassment and failure. My mom was beaming. She told me how proud she was of me and that she admired my fearlessness. She said she didn't think she possessed the strength it took for me to keep going. She didn't see me as a failure. I love and hate the memory of that day in equal proportions, but it's one of the most accurate representations of the depth of my mother's greatness.
So happy mother's day to all the mom's out there who inspire greatness in their children. Those who are there to catch them when they fall, dry their tears, hold them when they feel their world is falling apart and make them blue-berry pancakes when they have the plague. They never receive enough credit for all that they do, but we gotta keep on trying.
Love you Mom
Posted by Kat Cross at 12:59 AM 1 comment: Labels: Moms


The Wisdom of Elephants I love this picture. Besides the fact that just looking at it fills me with a sense of peace it also makes me crazy happy. Most of all it makes me think... which is dangerous for me because when I start thinking my thoughts expand in a multitude of directions at once and it's hard to keep track of them.
I probably wouldn't have interpreted this picture in the same way before I started doing yoga. At the end of every yoga class you place your hands at heart center, bow your head and say namaste. Now there are many different meanings behind this word. My favorite is the light in me bows to the light in you. Others include... the god in me recognizes the god in you or the spirit in me honors the spirit in you. To me this picture encompasses every one of those thoughts... most likely because all these thoughts say the same thing. Light, God, spirit... these are all words that attempt to put a name to something that is impossible to be described in just one word. It's an embodiment of peace, joy, hope, love, wisdom, kindness and generosity that is present in all living things. Growing up as a Christian one of the things I was taught is that God's presence is all around me. I envisioned God in the air surrounding me... never did I think about the presence of God in those around me. Let alone in nature.
I'm not a fan of religion, mostly because every religion believes that their religion is the only one that's right. I feel that most religions are saying the same thing... love your neighbor as your self. I used to think this meant treat others as you would want to be treated. Perhaps, we need to look deeper. We need to recognize the light present in each of us... whether we call that light God, or the holy spirit doesn't matter. When we recognize this capacity for peace, joy, hope, love, wisdom, kindness and generosity in others we realize that we are all connected because we are able to feed off that light as well as give it freely.
We aren't all endowed with equal measures of these qualities at all times in our lives. Some people have more wisdom while others are more generous, thus the ability to share these qualities amongst us becomes invaluable. At the lowest points in our lives we want someone next to us with great strength and the ability to lend us that strength. At the most exciting times in our lives with want someone to share our joy with. By recognizing the God in all of us we have all that we need because those around us have all that we lack.
So ... namaste
Posted by Kat Cross at 7:36 PM 1 comment: Labels: Religion, Spirituality, Yoga
