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Spicy-ass noodles (Xi'an Famous Foods) Well, well, well... it would appear that my blog has turned three years old. Hooray me. In internet age, that's like reaching mid-life crisis stage (which is eerily appropriate considering I actually don't know what the fuck I want to do with it). To the assholes who said that my ADD would kick in and that I would stop after a few months... you can eat a dick. To the people who decided they wanted to hear an idiot blather on and on about Asian food every week, you're welcome (and thanks too, I guess). For the record, I have learned nothing from writing this blog for the past three years aside from that fact that I'm stingy as shit and I like Asian food, and I'm pretty sure I've contributed nothing of value to the greater internet. Merry Christmas I guess.

So what am I going to write about on this momentous occasion? Clearly something that sticks to the roots of this blog... something that fits these criteria: cheap, Asian, and a butthole pleasure. The spicy hot oil-seared noodles from Xi'an Famous Foods kinda fits all of requirement - it's moderately cheap (although kind of expensive given the location), it's definitely Asian, and trust me... it's as much a hoot comin' out as it is when you first eat it. Trust me. Look... it's red and green. Like Christmas or something?

I think most people go to Xi'an Famous Foods for the Liang Pi Cold Noodles. That's great and all, but I'll be entirely honest - it feels like kind of a ripoff to go to a restaurant and to get cold noodles. That shit is straight appetizer fodder and would cost less than a dollar if I were in the motherland. Plus it's vegetarian. That's three strikes yo. If you're going to serve me a cold dish, it better comprise of something that was alive at one point. Weak shit. Plus, why would I get cold vegetarian noodles when I could get something that would melt my face off upon eating, and obliterate my butthole on exit. That right there is quality (and what I look for in noodles, but definitely not in romance yo*). Also it looks festive as a motherfucker. Look at all that red and green shit. It's almost as if Santa were Chinese or something. There's nothing really complex about this dish at all - I'm pretty sure it's only comprised of those same bouncy-ass noodles, some scallions and garlic type additions, and a healthy dousing of chili oil - but when the powers that be combine those components in an synergistic orgy of flavors... holy shit is it delicious. Yes, there's a distinct lack of meat, but whatever. It's not like your tongue would be able to taste it anyway. This was less awesome, but still okay. Which is surprising because it contains meat. Maybe it's because I'm not the biggest fan of lamb, but this dish was pretty uninspiring to me. Which, again, is weird because it's pretty much the same thing as above... but with lamb and cumin instead of red chili oil. Perhaps that red liquid is like crack or something, but there was something infinitely more impressive about not being able to feel my face after eating. I could still feel my lips after eating this dish, so I'll consider it a fail in general. Others would probably enjoy it. To be entirely fair, I think I just hate cumin - so maybe you shouldn't listen to me on this one (or at all). My god how I hate cumin. Likewise, I feel like their cumin lamb burger thing is kinda gimmicky. Not that it's bad by any stretch of the imagination - just that it's not something I'd obsess and lose sleep over. The blend of flavors is pretty distinct - and again, the cumin is probably what turns me off - but there's a certain pungency and strength that I could see being somewhat alluring. I guess the bread/bun thing is pretty dope, but if that's the strongest case I can make for a dish... then that's pretty sad. That's not to say that you might not find this to be the most sensual thing to come from Xi'an... I just hate cumin with a passion.

In closing? I'm not sure what the point of this post really is. I felt obligated to write something because it was my blogiversary, not because I got a sudden writing boner. I rarely get that kind of inspiration at all anymore (I guess you could say I have food blogging erectile dysfunction?). Is my blog going through a midlife crisis? Yeah. Maybe I should eat spicier things to enrage my rectum to rekindle the flames of intensely passionate and violent food writing. That's how it works right?

tl;dr - my blog is three years old. Fuck yeah me. Also, if you go to Xi'an famous foods - get the spicy hot oil-seared noodles... they'll numb your face if you're cold and light your butthole on fire. That's twice the value for the cost of one meal. Best deal ever.

Xi'an Famous Foods (multiple locations)
67 Bayard Street, New York, NY 10013
Posted by Nicholas at 12:44 AM 8 comments 


HK-style French toast (Cha Chan Tang) 

Cha Chan Tang
45 Mott Street, New York, 10013
Posted by Nicholas at 12:37 AM 3 comments 


Honey-glazed steak (New Malaysia Restaurant) Let me preface this post by saying - I don't know jack shit about Malaysian cuisine. I can't tell you if this is an authentic representation of true Malaysian food, shit... I can't even tell you if honey-glazed steak is even a real thing they do in Malaysia, but you know what? None of that matters. If you're the type of person who thinks "fuck, I don't have enough time to have both dinner and dessert separately. I'm a very important bro with very important things to do." Then I have good news - you will probably like the honey-glazed steak that they serve at this place called New Malaysia Restaurant. It's like a candy, but you know... made with grilled meat and served with a pile of fried rice. Nice... nice. Also it comes with a sprig of some green shit, so you just know that it's a balanced meal. "That sounds awesome" you say? Let me regale you with more tales of this sugar coated delicacy from a land I know nothing about... I guess there's not much to this tale since I'm a pretty easy sell. If you take beef, grill that shit up medium rare, and then slather it the fuck over with a honey-soy sauce mixture? Fuck yeah I'll eat that all day long. Alternatively you can think of the dish like this... if you take a moderately good cut of steak, slice that shit down into thin strips (but not anorexic thin), and grill it - you'd get unspectacular strips of steak. Which is cool, but not something I'd bust a nut over. But suddenly: one of the Asian guys in the kitchen fucks up. Originally he was making caramel apples, but accidentally drops a piece of steak in there. Upon realizing how dope that shit tastes, he does it to all of them. Then you get honey-glazed steak. Except there are no apples. Also the caramel is really honey and soy sauce. I'm not really sure where I was trying to go with that scenario. Oh, if you go at lunch - all this can be yours for the low low price of $6.75. Apparently we're also playing 'Price-is-Right' now too. Did I also mention they serve broccoli chicken? My friend who went with me - who is white - decided to order broccoli chicken. Which is fine. Doesn't make much sense to me, but it is fine. It tastes like standard Chinese takeout fare, but it looks nicer because it's on a pimp square plate with a lump of rice shaped like an inverted bowl, which is how I want all of my rice to look like. Again, just to reiterate, nothing really exemplary to say about it, but hey! There's something on the menu here if your friends aren't super adventurous. So New Malaysia's got that going for it too! Suddenly: curry chicken. Not sure how Malaysian curry is specifically different from the other curries, I just know that it tasted pretty sick to me. Of slightly annoyance was the fact that the chicken wasn't de-boned, but that's been pretty much the case of all chicken curries I've eaten in Asia, so maybe that's just a thing? Meh, I suppose that's a pretty stupid gripe considering how incredible this shiz actually tastes. The depth of flavors in this dish almost made me regret getting the honey-glazed steak. Almost, but not quite. Although I have to admit that it was pretty intense. Then they sneak some cucumbers on your plate. Sneaky bastards. How did they know I wanted something refreshing after eating spiced chicken?

tl;dr - New Malaysia Restaurant is hidden away in a dark alley off of Bowery... you know, the kind of place you might get mugged or something really late at night. But you know what? They make really good steak. Steak so good I don't mind being robbed for. Steak that they smear with honey and other dope-ass ingredients. There's also fried rice. GG.

New Malaysia Restaurant
48 Bowery, New York, NY 10013
Posted by Nicholas at 2:46 PM 0 comments Labels: asian, chinatown, food review, Malaysian, NYC, steak


Bacon, mac & cheese, and pancakes (Shopsin's) 

120 Essex St, New York, 10002
Posted by Nicholas at 11:06 PM 2 comments