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On Justin Bieber’s ‘Hold Tight’ (Bread Review)


Like a master baker advising an apprentice,  Afam  suggested I (Ola) review Justin Bieber’s latest musical offering. I am neither a baker nor a music writer, but I thought I’d give this a go anyway. Life is too short* for overthinking. So, without much ado or any thought, here is my review of ‘Hold Tight’.

But first, let me explain the (admittedly tenuous) analogy in the first sentence.  Afam  asked me to guest blog, a request which I didn’t think twice about  accepting. In fact, I’m not even sure I thought once, because I had literally no idea what I would write about. That night, I dreamt (dreamed?) I blogged about bread**, and the next morning, an  idea was born.  Never one to turn down an idea that isn’t 100% awful, I decided to take on the  bread  idea  and attempt  the first in what is bound to be a long line of 'bread reviews'.

The opening few seconds  of 'Hold Tight'  are pleasant enough. For a brief moment, I find myself pleasantly transported to the 90s R&B scene due to the song's stop-start beat. This feeling is immediately replaced by what can only be described as audio-revulsion, as Bieber wishes a mystery girl "happy birthday". That's a pretty stale move if you ask me. The whole birthday thing is played out; it may have been fresh back in 2003 when you could find Fiddy 'In Da Club', but by the end of 2009, the whole world was well aware of (and bored by) Jeremih's buttery pleas for celebratory intimacy. I know fashion is cyclical, but I don't think this trend needs to be brought out of the oven just yet.

Anyways, I digress.

The song rolls on, and JB implores this mystery girl whose "lips won't let him go" (freaky) not to let his kind words go to her head - you see, she is "the best he's ever had". In one fell swoop, he manages to come across as half-baked and overcooked at the same time, which is pretty impressive. While this doughy piece of lyricism is sinking in, he progresses by comparing kissing to food storage as he rhymes zip-lock with lip-lock. What crumby lyrics. From this point on, it's pretty much 'repeat ad nauseam' until the end. All in all, 'Hold Tight' comes across as a hurriedly whisked together mixture of lazily sourced ingredients.

This is vital, because Bieber doesn't seem to appreciate that making music is exactly like baking bread (true story). If you get the ingredients the tiniest bit wrong, the end result tends to be awful. He's gone heavy on the cheese with 'Hold Tight', and the result is gag reflex inducing.  Sorry JB, but this effort gets one out of five loaves.

P.s. Not sure if you can tell, but I really am not a fan of Bieber's. His face is smug, like those artisan breads in boutique bakeries that silently judge you from atop their high shelves as you purchase Asda's smart price.

P.p.s I feel a bit bad for this scathing review. JB is going through a lot and doesn't knead all this loaving.

*Lies. It is the longest thing you do.
**Yes, bread. Not a typo.

Is this 'bread review' feature ever going to take off? Is Afam ever going to let me guest blog again after this? Please let me know your thoughts below!

Hello. This is Afam. I don't know why Ola didn't put up a link of his blog. But I suppose it's good that I get to sweep in like Don Quixote and save the day. Ola blogs here http://olaisblogging.wordpress.com/
 Reviewed by Olaolu Olorunnimbe on 13:46:00 Rating: 5


