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On the couch with Janet Ellis: My mum's diet obsession is driving us away

By Janet Ellis For The Daily Mail

Published: 17:04 EDT, 9 April 2017 | Updated: 17:04 EDT, 9 April 2017



Q. After my dad died three years ago, my mum — who is 65 — lost a lot of confidence. In order to give herself a boost she lost a stone and everyone agreed she looked great. She found a new interest in clothes and even took up swimming again.

The trouble is that since then she’s become completely obsessive about calories. It’s not that she’s lost too much weight but rather that she’s become too rigid about what she will and won’t eat.

I’ve given up cooking for her and even her closest friend has confided in me that she’s stopped asking her out for coffee because it’s such a performance. The last thing I want to do is undermine mum’s new-found body confidence, but she needs to loosen up. How can I get her to realise there’s more to life than dieting? A. Diets, food and being body conscious are topics that will never go away. Most people on a strict regime end up a little bit hung up about it. And, if we’re honest, a little boring.

Usually, once their target weight has been reached, they relax and begin to enjoy company (and some forbidden foods) again.

 Janet Ellis says: 'Although your mother appears to be doing well, she’s probably still struggling with widowhood'

If they don’t, it sounds a warning bell, because while being disciplined is one thing, being obsessed is another.

At the root of continuing such a punishing regime is what’s known as disordered eating. It doesn’t have to be extreme, like anorexia or bulimia, to be included in that category.

If your way of thinking about diet and exercise impacts negatively on your life, it’s no longer about wanting to be healthy. Although your mother appears to be doing well, she’s probably still struggling with widowhood.

She’s switching the focus from something she can’t do anything about to external things that she can control.

When you’ve lost a partnership, three years might not feel long enough to readjust.

Perversely, the very thing you all think is an indicator of how far she’s come is probably the very thing that reminds her of her single status. After all, she’s still comparatively young, she looks great, she’s fit and yet she’s alone.

As she obviously finds being weight conscious and active satisfying, might she be persuaded to encourage others? Local slimming clubs would be thrilled to have her on board.

Meanwhile, I think you and her friends should support her by telling her that you understand she’s still grieving, and by not making an issue of her strange demands and regime. It can’t be that hard to produce food she’s able to enjoy.

Somewhere along the line, eating together has stopped being fun for her. Sharing a meal she’s prepared would be a good start.

The important thing is to keep talking and listening to her. There’s some sadness she doesn’t feel able to share yet. If you keep criticising her, she never will.



On the couch with Janet Ellis





