[null, {"document_url": "http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/International_Rules_Of_Manhood", "unformatted_src": "//images.uncyclomedia.co/uncyclopedia/en/a/a5/Umbrellaskirt-2.jpg", "src": "http://images.uncyclomedia.co/uncyclopedia/en/a/a5/Umbrellaskirt-2.jpg", "formatted_filename": "Umbrellaskirt", "rendered_width": 243, "rendered_height": 321}, null]
International Rules Of Manhood Women, Fine. Men, NO!

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he has murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "Down in Tijuana", "One time when we were all piss drunk", or ". . .and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw!".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination; beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hrs notice. Women, or anything considered "lucky", are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, you're gonna love the way she licks your balls"

15. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything!

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friend's actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin'", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends dont let friends wear speedos. Ever.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you dont let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

"Yeah, baby, push it!"

"Come on, give me one more, harder!"

"Another set and we can hit the showers"

"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That's just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. For all other situations, an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks it's broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your state's crime of passion laws be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.

38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied one, then you are still required to wait. You are not allowed to use one of the stalls, real men pee in public. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)

44. A man's gotta scratch what a man's gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

Figure skating

Men's gymnastics

Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

50. The only acceptable times when a man is allowed to cry:

When a heroic dog dies to save his master.

After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.

When your date is using her teeth.

The day Anna Kournikova chooses a husband.

54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

58. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit, DON'T wear tighty whities. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

59. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

60. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.(Exception: the man is taking part in a drinking contest and there is no one to count his beers for him)

61. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.(this includes futons,pull out couches and stretches of floor less than 2 meters wide (the latter is acceptable at parties if participants have blacked out or if there are girls separating their bodies from any physical contact)

62. In an empty room, car, etc., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn't talking.

63. If you jiggle more than twice, you're playing with yourself.

64. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

65. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...(see emo)

66. If you say ouch, you are a pussy! You can however use every curse word in your vocabulary.

67. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guy's dream (threesome with two girls)

68: If you know what more than two other guys' dicks look like, you'd damn well better be a doctor, a piercer or a Japanese guy(cause they have public baths)

69: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

70: Kissing a friend is allowed only if you're drunk or dying.

71: You must own at least one firearm.

72: During major sporting events, you must consume massive quantities of alcohol and wings.

73: Consuming certain alcoholic beverages (such as the appletini) automatically disqualifies you from manhood, unless that is your gay drink.

74: Only get sexual favours from a girl, never give to her.

75: Every man is aloud one drink, that is usually reserved for women and camp gay's, without being gay or losing any manhood. This drink is referred to as the gay drink

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Retrieved from "http://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=International_Rules_Of_Manhood&oldid=5448708"

