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The Last Man on Earth, Season One, Episode Twelve: The Tandyman Can The group is showing off the cow to new Phil and Tandy (read old Phil) explains that they cannot make the cow go downstairs. Phil of course slaps the cow and makes some yipping sounds and the cow heads downstairs.  The women are suitably impressed, so naturally Tandy and Todd are not.  Later, Tandy meets Carol and the carrel which Phil has built for the cow and Tandy has to run it down. When Tandy asks Carol how her visit with Phil went the previous night, she immediately accuses Tandy of being jealous stating that Tandy is afraid the "new buck in town is going to spray all over" his turf.  I really could have done without that visual.  Tandy is quick to assert "that every inch of this place is already coated in Tandy Miller spray. You've seen it, I've doused it." Okay more GROSS.  What the hell is up with the idea that grown ass men spray their turf?  Carol declares that Phil will be a positive addition to the community and is even going to clean out the garbage pool.  Carol however is not pleased that Phil is now at Erica and Gail's house fixing their generator.  Carol of declares this a play for Phil.

At Erica and Gail's house it turns out that Carol is right and there is nothing wrong with the generator.  Both women claim that the generator was making a terrible sound before Phil arrived.  Tandy and Carol arrive together and Tandy offers to double check Phil's work.  Phil thanks Carol for the pie saying that he hasn't had fresh food in over two years. Gail jumps on this and offers to make him a real home cooked meal since she used to be a professional chef.  Phil declares that he doesn't like anything to fancy because he is a simple guy.  Gail and Erica then go back and forth about how simple they are.  Carol brings up the fact Phil doesn't have a place to live.  All the women offer to let Phil move in but it's Tandy who wins by suggesting that they "bro it the hell out and have bachelor pad action."  Once Phil leaves Carol snarks to Gail and \erica about their broken generator.

Phil is driving a truck into town when he runs into Todd.  Todd offers to help but sees that they're good.  Todd is confused by the fact that Phil said we.  When Phil drives off, Melissa is hanging off the back of the truck, causing Todd to say, "freaking Phil."

Back at Tandy's, Phil is settling in.  It seems that Phil has Macgyvered the shower in Tandy's bathroom so now he can have a hot shower.  Phil strips off his shirt and instead of leaving immediately, Tandy stands and stares.  Phil is forced to ask Tandy to give him some privacy so that he can shower.

Tandy is back in the bar talking to his ball friends and he stands their naked comparing his body to that of Phil's.  Tandy is sure that Phil is trying to establish dominance and plans to respond in kind.

Tandy walks into his kitchen naked and Phil asks him to put some clothes on.  Tandy brings up Phil taking off his shirt yesterday and Phil says that he was about to take a shower.  Erica enters, sees Tandy naked and cue small penis joke.  Wow, I didn't see that coming. Tandy backs out of the kitchen covering his nakedness with his constitution.

Todd shows up at Melissa's to ask if she had a good time on the garbage truck.  Melissa replies that she always wanted to ride on the back of a garbage truck.  Am I really supposed to believe this is the case?  At any rate, insecure Todd tells Melissa that if the relationship is going to work, she cannot hang out with Phil any longer.  He even manages to squeak out, "I forbid it." Melissa tells Todd that this is gotta stop and when she starts to talk about the really nice time she has had with him, Todd interrupts to tell her that the relationship is over.  Todd effectively dumps Melissa before she can dump him.  Melissa says that she was not going to break up with him and closes the door in his face.  This naturally causes Todd to yell, "what were you going to say."

Carol and Gail arrive to find Phil and Erica attempting to fix the ice maker on the fridge.  Gail has hushpuppies she made for Phil.  Phil starts wiping off the sweat commenting about how funny one can get working on an ice machine.  This sets sets off a round of forced laughter from the women.  Phil excuses himself saying that he is going to take a hot shower and offers the women the use of the shower whenever they want to.  Gail says that she might take him up on the offer because she is very very dirty.  Phil then notices that Carol is holding a scarf she knitted for him because it gets drafty in the house.  Phil calls the scarf nice and then he notices the cats on Carol's fingernails saying that he is a cat man himself.  When Phil leaves, Gail turns and congratulates Carol on her game play.

Tandy talks to Todd about exposing his genitals to Phil and how it really didn't work out.  Gee, no one could have seen that one coming.  Todd is focusing on feeding the cow apparently in a free fall after breaking up with Melissa.  Tandy tells Todd that this is all Phil's fault, commenting that Todd looks like a million bucks.  Todd questions if Phil wants to sleep with Melissa and Tandy says that not only does Phil want to sleep with Melissa but all of the women, including the cow.  Todd calls Phil a monster.

That night around the campfire Carol declares the garbage pool clean and thanks Phil.  Tandy claps slowly and says a snarky bravo.  Phil finally asks Tandy if he has a problem with him and Phil rants about Phil trying to impress everyone.  Phil declares that he has no beef with Tandy causing Tandy to tell Phil that he should be referred to as President Tandy. This sparks a vote where Phil is voted president. A dejected Tandy stares into the fire.  Phil questions why everyone chose to live in Tuscon calling it the worst place to live.  Phil is quick to defend his hometown causing Phil to clarify that he was talking about farming possibilities. Todd speaking up in Tandy's defense pointing out that they are all together because Tandy put up alive in Tuscon signs. Erica, Gail and Carol are quick to defend Phil with Carol adding that this is why she started her own garden but it's not enough.  Tandy the liar says that he has made a viable sustainable farm.  Melissa is quick to call Tandy on his lie.  Phil asks to take a look at the farm and Tandy claims that it's late, dark and cold, so the plants are resting.  Phil asks about the morning and Tandy agrees.

Next we see Tandy trying to start a tractor up.  He is then reduced to trying to use a hoe.  He tries to pull a Macgyver with a punch of hoes taped to the back of his truck.  He then plants some seeds and waters it all with water guns.  The next morning, Tandy is screaming about his farm being open when an out of breathe Todd approaches to report that Phil has had sex with all of the women.

Tandy rushes home to find Carol wrapped in a robe relaxing.  Phil enters and asks where the other women went and Carol says that they headed home but had a wonderful time. Melissa enters next in a robe talking about the amazing time she had.  Phil asks about seeing Tandy's farm causing Tandy ask if he has had enough plowing for one day.  It's only when Melissa thanks Phil for allowing her to take a shower that Tandy realises the women didn't have sex with Phil.  He does have to confirm that all that went on was same sex showers.  Tandy throws Todd under the bus saying that Todd claimed something else had gone on, causing Melissa to remark that Todd has been wrong about a lot of stuff recently.

Tandy and Phil take off to the newly plowed field. Phil declares Tandy's work a really good start.  Phil questions what Tandy planted and Tandy claims everything from fruits to vegetables.  In the background are bags of jalapeño seeds.  Phil congratulates Tandy on his good work.  Phil then apologises because things got tense between them adding that after seeing what Tandy has done, it seems he was way off base.  Tandy says that Phil caught him on a rough week and that when Phil showed up, he followed his animal instinct.  The two men agree that things are cool between them now.

Later, Tandy is at the bar talking to the balls about how well things went with Phil. And yes, we get another comment about men pissing.  Tandy declares that Phil respects him now and won't step on his turf.

Phil shows up at Tandy's wearing the scarf Carol made him.

Tandy toasts the ball saying that Phil has smelled the spray and knows he is in Tandyland.

Phil and Carol are having the most awkward sex ever.  They are ridiculously loud and when Erica and Gail hear them, they raise a glass in a toast.  Melissa who is reading by candlelight smiles. Carol's orgasm is so loud that it wakes Tandy.  Tandy joins Todd by the campfire and both men agree that Phil needs to die.

I am so thankful that there's only one more episode of this ridiculous show.  I cannot believe how many references they made to territorially pissing on things and people.  I hated the fact that both Todd and Tandy viewed the women as their possessions - something which was stolen away from them.  Can I just say that watching Todd go from secure in his identity and capable to just this small little fat man when Phil arrived was disgusting.  All the hope I had for his character is officially gone.

For awhile there, I thought that they were going to make Phil gay.  GLBT representation is sorely lacking on The Last Man on Earth.  Where did all the LGBT people go?  Did they all die of the virus?  Also, can we never ever see another Carol sex scene ever again?  I know it's supposed to be funny but all I see is ridiculously awkward.

I don't like that all the women were chasing Phil and falling all over themselves for him.  To them Phil isn't even a person, he's just a roving penis.  Of course, I am sure the writers didn't consider the implications of this.  It is beyond problematic.

Finally, Sparky, you have no idea how much you owe me for this.