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I get mysterious bruises all the time.  I’m a clumsy person.  I run into walls, chairs, tables, counters…if it’s in my path, you name it, I hit it.  Sometimes I’m walking too fast to care.  Or I turn around and BAM it’s right there.  Hiking can be treacherous.  I trip on tree roots, rocks, logs.  I have horrible balance, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked,
“Where did that come from?”
“How did I get that?”

Have you ever gotten a bruise or cut you didn’t know you had because you didn’t feel it when you got it?  Maybe you felt it but you chose to ignore it.  Then later you realized it was there because something else made you look down and notice it.

That’s what I’m going through right now, on an emotional/spiritual level.

I don’t expect you to understand.  I just know I’m here, confused, hurt, and distrustful.

Why?  Because I’ve realized something: I am not ashamed.

This time, the mysterious cuts and bruises were not caused by anything I did.  They were caused by so-called spiritual leaders who thought they were doing the right thing but in fact were just covering up the truth with lies and deception to protect their “holy” appearance before their congregation.

I was smeared with dirt and spit on.
I was refused help and forced out.
I was betrayed and isolated, left for dead.
I was shown no mercy, no love.
That’s right, Cedar Brook.  I mean you.

Now with the whole lawsuit surrounding SGM/Covenant Life, along with some other concerning things I’ve received as counsel from different sources connected to it, I’m feeling new bruises and seeing old ones come to light.

Both churches have 3 things in common:

1.      Lies
2.      Deception
3.      Cover ups

As a result, everything I’ve learned is being questioned.  Everything I believe is being scrutinized.  I don’t know what to believe any more, and I don’t know who to trust.  The spiritual leaders I’ve followed so far have done nothing but let me down.  Walls are going up in my heart as I strive to save what little I have left of my faith.

Let me just put something straight.  I am not losing my faith.  I am not renouncing my faith.  I am questioning what I have learned, DECONSTRUCTING the wrong beliefs I have, and planning on REBUILDING my beliefs when I have regained my trust.

Because that’s the root here.  My trust is broken, severed by the people I thought were supposed to be trustworthy and helpful.  My scars are so deep and my trust is so broken that the walls around my heart are getting bigger and stronger every day.  They want to keep everything that could harm me out.

And maybe that’s what I need right now.  I don’t need outside influences or controversial issues trying to reach in and sway me to their side.  I need peace, I need solitude, and I need God.  I need to be alone with my wounds so I can clean them out, bandage them, and let them heal.

Letting this pain come to the surface and rear its ugly head has shown me that repression is not healthy.  Denial is not healthy.  Ignoring it is not healthy.  The only way I’m going to heal is by acknowledging what has broken my trust and facing it with the intention of moving past it and healing.

However, I’m not quite sure how to do that.
How do I face my pain?
How do I deconstruct my faith?
How do I rebuild my faith?
How do I trust again?
How do I heal?

It feels so hard to reach, and so far to go until I get there.  Sometimes, it barely feels possible.  But my past still haunts me, and living like this day in and day out is not helping.  The pain isn’t going away and, even if it takes the rest of my life, I am going to focus on pushing forward and healing.

Now, if I could just get out of this cage.
Posted by Rachel Payne at 6:23 PM 26 comments: Labels: broken, cover ups, deception, desperate, fragile, God, healing, lies, mercy, pain, peace, recovery, scars, theology, traumatized, trust, wounds


Puzzle Pieces Some come, some go.
Some fit, most don't.

Lay them aside,
Look for others.

There's not enough room;
You can't befriend everyone.

But those that stick around,
Hold onto tight.

Pick the ones that fit.
Don't try to fit the ones you pick.

An outstretched hand
Could be friend or foe.

Be careful who you trust.
Wolves look like sheep.
Posted by Rachel Payne at 8:52 PM No comments: