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Our house is the one that gave up on Christmas.

Sighing, I gave in, and approached the register.

"How can I help you today?"

She frowned. "I've never heard of those."

"Huh. Let's look at our wall."

We walked back over.

"Do you mean icicle lights?"

"No. Not giant ones."

And then I gave up on humanity.



If only I had a secret credit card...OH, WAIT.

American Express sent me a letter saying they've updated my address. You know, for my credit card. Which is awesome, except I DON'T HAVE AN AMERICAN EXPRESS CREDIT CARD.

It looked pretty official. But I knew it had to be a scam. Like that time when I sent you all "free" movie tickets.

I mentioned this whole tricky, spammy scheme to Kurt, and his reaction was...unexpected.

"Oh yeah, I might have signed you up for one a year ago. For skymiles. I didn't tell you though. Then I shredded it, so you couldn't use it."


...I just don't know what to fight about first.

Labels: He is even weirder than I am, Mushy Stuff, Yeah. I don't get it either.


Sleeping-Version-of-Kurt is a jerk.

What were you doing yesterday, at 1 in the morning? Because I was sleeping. Until THIS happened: Sleeping-version-of-me is plotting revenge...


I am so ashamed.

....I just bought the Big Mac Deal on Livingsocial.

And now I feel disgusting.

But you guys, it was SUCH a good deal.

So 4 months (and 20lbs) from now, I need you all to remind me of a few things:





Labels: I shouldnt complain since it's completely my fault


How To End Christmas Gift Drama Before It Starts.

This might just change your life.

YES. Wait, no. My inlaws might read this.

What is the Wishlist Factory? 

Why did you create it?

What are your favorite features?

What is Surprise Protection? How about the Desire Meter? Adding a Gift

Yeah. I think we all do.

Labels: Christmas, Family, My Sisters


I just stood there.

What would you do if a little old man came up to you, and said;

"you shouldn't eat so much. You'd look better."

Because I just stood there in shock.

And then I wanted to cry.

It's been a rough week, you guys. And it's only Tuesday.

Labels: My Job, raw honesty makes me chafe, Worst present EVER, Yeah. I don't get it either.


I need him to hate me. Any ideas?


I stared at Kurt, confused.

"Because. It's dangerous."

"We were stupider then."

"We did not die."

"Look, I said no."

"I said no. You can't do it."

"I did it before."

"But I love you more now."

I raised my eyebrow.

I raised both eyebrows.

So now I need your help.

Only, you know, less gross.

Labels: Adventures, He is even weirder than I am, Mushy Stuff


My newest, most delicious obsession

This week on "Thing I Can't Believe I Lived Without"

Franks Hot Sauce.

I want to bathe in this stuff. 

Well, maybe not strawberries.

But I was serious about the bathing.

What are you craving?

Labels: I wish they were paying me to say this, Misadventures in the Kitchen, Things Kurt wishes I had never told him


...I haven't washed my jeans in a while.

"I don't think jeans get dirty. They just get more and more comfortable, and then they get smelly. But by then, you are tripping over them anyway, so you are kind of looking forward to washing them and sticking them in the dryer, so they will shrink. The next few days are a little muffin-top and wedgie-inducing, but then they loosen up, and it will be a good 3 months before they see the inside of the hamper again. You know?"

Kurt stared at me in silent horror.

He is so weird sometimes.

Labels: He is even weirder than I am, Profound Thoughts, Things Kurt wishes I had never told him


A Creepy Kidney

The ultrasound technician looked confused, and then surprised.

"That can't be right..."

"I can't find your kidney."

I guess I'll go back to when it all began.

But cysts? They run in my family.

Hence, the ultrasound technician.


"...I can't find your right kidney."

I swallowed hard. "Um, maybe it moved?"

"I'll check in a few other places.

5 minutes later, she found it.


I was beyond weirded out. But also kind of excited.

See? Proof that I'm special.

Built in stabbing-protection.

Tell me I'm not the only one with a weird body?

Labels: Halloween, Medical Crap, Worst present EVER


That thin line between love and murder...

That judging kind of criticism- you know, the kind only a spouse can give? Makes me want to sit down and do absolutely nothing. For the rest of my life. Out of spite.

Labels: Karma makes me nervous, Mushy Stuff, This makes me angry


Faux Hawk

One night, I convinced Kurt to let me play with his hair.

He keeps it so short. Which looks good, but I had this sneaking suspicion... ...and I was right. He can rock a faux hawk.

Too bad he won't ever do it in real life. 
Also, is there an aspect of your man's appearance you wish he would let you tweak a little? His hair, his clothes, his scruff...?


Labels: I'm going to be in so much trouble, My Husband the Dentist


The Day The Romance Died.

"You know when you have to poop so bad, your whole body feels cold and shivery?"

I turned and stared, a horrified denial stuck in my throat.

"No? Well, that's why I'm shivering. As soon as we get there, I need to find a bathroom. Or things are going to get explosive."

And that last spark of magic withered and died.


Labels: He is even weirder than I am, I'm going to be in so much trouble, Mushy Stuff


"Hi there! How old are you guys?"

She sighed heavily.

I guess my horror must have shown on my face.

They didn't even look Irish...


21 comments Links to this post
Labels: My Job, Terrible Titles, Well THAT was awkward, Worst present EVER


Homeschooled kids are SO WEIRD.

When most people think about homeschooling, they think about this:

(or click here)



Labels: Family, Homeschool


Loose Ends...

So I went hunting for frayed strings...

Chantel was lying. This will ALWAYS be shady.

This...was a failure.

I forgot I was learning this.




MY NEW (completely awesome) JOB!!

I got a job!!

So, you remember back when I was laid off right before Christmas? And how they wanted to hire me back? And how they never got the funds, and so I've been not-working, and mostly just sleeping since January??

Yeah. Kurt noticed that too.

"So, you're still spending money. Maybe you should make some."

I politely ignored his little remark, and went back to my leisurely shopping ways.

But then, on one fateful afternoon, I was walking by a Carter's baby clothes store...


No wait, it gets better.



Jump back!

I feel weird saying this, but it's kind of my dream job.

I love the merchandise (and I love my discount.)

I love my customers (who isn't happy about baby clothes??)

And I love my boss/coworkers

(that's probably the most important one. It can make or break a job.)

I even love the cash register! (I was gushing about it for days. No really, it was super exciting. It's a touch-screen, and it's so easy, and in past retail jobs that has been my worst nightmare.)

Every time I work, I come home happy. Actually, I don't even want to come home- it is that much fun.

And that secret stash of baby clothes that I've been collecting for the past few years? Is not so little anymore. In 14 years, I might even have enough to cloth a baby...


Labels: My Job


The deadline has been set, KURT.

As I left for the airport on Monday, my sweet, little grandma pulled me close, and whispered in my ear:

"Next time you come, you should bring a baby with you."

Then she stared me down. My eyes widened in surprise.

"...Um, someday Grandma. But not yet."

"Well, just don't wait until you are 40. I've been thinking about it, and 40 is just too old for you to start having babies."

Well, I can't argue that one.

"Ok. Before I'm 40. I promise."

So that's it, Kurt. Your deadline is set. 14 years from now, we are having a baby.





An Illustrated Giude to This Week's Return Flight. ...I'm never traveling again.


Labels: Adventures, I took these pictures myself, Stick Figures, This makes me angry, Wordless Wednesday, Yeah. I don't get it either.


Obsession? Oh, I'm way past obsession.

I finally gave in, and checked out Pinterest.

And it has fulfilled my every dream.

Well, it has helped me organize my every dream.
 






The day I wore my Mother's pearls

2 Years ago I was doing this: And a whole lot of this With him Happy Second Anniversary, baby.


Eh? Speak up, sonny!

Bad news guys.

I woke up on Monday, and couldn't hear a thing out of my right ear. There was no pain, and there was no blood. There just also wasn't any sound.

So I did what any self respecting 20-something would do.

I asked facebook. (turns out, it is weird)
And then I googled it.

And then I ran to the store, and picked up some wax-dissolving ear drops.

I wasn't really worried.

But it's been 2 days now, and I still can't hear out of that ear.

So I'm doing the responsible thing...

...and asking you.

(My next step? Twitter. Of course.)

I could go to the doctor, but in my experience, they usually say super frustrating things like "oh, you can't breath because your throat is swollen closed? Gargle salt. And then pay me $80."

And so I'm asking you. Have you ever gone deaf before? And do you have any ideas on how to get my hearing back?

Or should I just brush up on my ASL skills?

PS. For those of you trying not to dry heave, I swear I clean my ears regularly.

-No really, I do!


17 comments Links to this post
Labels: Medical Crap, Worst present EVER, Yeah. I don't get it either.


Some Grandmas Knit and Bake...

A few months ago, my Grandma came out to live with my Dad.

I think it's been good for her. She is so hardcore. Labels: Family, My Dad


It's not quite long enough to braid. Yet. 

Because no matter how ladylike you are, toe hair happens. 

Bodies are so weird.


Labels: Well THAT was awkward, Worst present EVER, Yeah. I don't get it either.


If I got a perm, could we still be friends?

...Or would you disown me?

(you can also watch it here)

Or is there a third option out there?


Labels: Grooming, Quadraboob, vlog


Shutterfly and springtime.

---All links have been removed because Shutterfly won't leave me alone! Seriously, I wrote this post in 2011. I am not going to change them whenever you want me to link to something new. This blog post in in the past, people. So if you bloggers out there are thinking of doing a post for them in the future, be warned- apparently there are a LOT of strings attached, even years later...---


I know, summer is almost here. But before it hits, I want to take a minute and think about spring. It's the most exciting season (for me) because if winter lasted another month, I would never make it without turning into a homicidal maniac.

No, really. I get crazy.

And while I dream about summer, the reality is kind of hot and sweaty.

So Springtime. Is awesome.

Now, you might be wondering why I am talking so much about a season that is almost over. Well, I am participating in Shutterfly's Spring Announcements Promo. True to form, I am waiting until the almost-last-day to do it (the deadline is Sunday).

I'm using mine for Baby Shower Invites (if they get here in time). No, not for me. For the shower I am hosting. I'm not pregnant.

And if it's too late this time, keep an eye out. They do this every few months. I participated in their Christmas promo, and got 50 awesome Christmas cards.

Unfortunately, due to an unexpected job loss, I ran out of money, and couldn't send them out.

Lame, huh?

I probably should have told you guys back then, but that's kind of when I went on my also-unexpected blogging hiatus.

But I was really impressed with the quality of those cards. I still pull them out sometimes, and admire the cardstock.

Here, I'll show you what they looked like: 
It's referencing this traumatic blog post. And it would have been fantastic.

The moral of the story? Don't get laid off. Also, Blog for Shutterfly. They are awesome.


Labels: freebies, My Job, They are paying me to say this


It's because of their rude customer service agents.

Hmm. Verizon is looking a bit cheaper.

Where I was treated like crap.

But do you have to take it out on me? 


22 comments Links to this post
Labels: I hate computers, I shouldnt complain since it's completely my fault, Terrible Titles, This makes me angry


Of all the things I brought back from Utah,

This cold is my least favorite. Labels: Stick Figures


It's not that I dont like this holiday.

It's just that I miss my mom.

If you see me, I will be sitting alone. And that's ok.

I don't need to be cheered up, or even comforted. Just left alone to think and remember.

(Unless you knew her too. Then please, stop by and talk a while).

(...just don't ask me to comfort you).

Someday when I have kids, this holiday will probably mean more.

But for now, it is one of the saddest days of the year.

And I guess that's ok, too.



It smelled like rotten fruit, but tasted like victory.
 

Anyway, I decided to ignore it.

A few weeks later, the smell was overpowering. And we were losing. Badly.

Like, ever.

The standoff continued. I was afraid it would always be like this. 

I could have kissed him.
 

.....It tasted like victory.


Labels: Creepy, Misadventures in the Kitchen, Mushy Stuff, Stick Figures
 


...whoever those might be.


Labels: cereal killer


Live Blogging from the Airport

(And their hair is pouffier)

Especially the gun.

Weird, huh?

But its true. And I think I know why.

And that is why todays trip isn't sucking.



I woke up out in the living room.

Where the heck was he?? 

I can't even keep people from peeing in my trash can!
 

But instead I saw this: It was not cute.


He didn't move.

I kicked him. 

He had better not be dead. 

He has to be doing this on purpose.

Husbands are jerks.


My new obsession (and I don't even sing) I'm watching it right now, and I am IN LOVE.

I don't even like talent competition shows!

It's so intense.

So check it out.

You're Welcome.


There are HOW MANY WAYS??? 50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner 


This does NOT count as an emergency.


The voice was so faint, I could barely hear it.

I dropped my book and ran.

He looked up at me with sad eyes.

"I need water."


"I texted you like ten minutes ago!"

His text books were COVERED in candy wrappers.


"Yeah. And it made me thirsty."

I stared at him in silence.

That has to be a record.

Happy Easter you guys.


Anybody Can Be Cool-- But Awesome Takes Practice

I was clicking through Amazon, looking for things to add to my birthday wishlist. I followed a trail of suggestions and listmania items and came across THIS: Anybody Can Be Cool-- But Awesome Takes Practice (Devotionals for Teens) The hair. The outfits. The "teenagers" who look like they are pushing 30. Admit it- this would make the perfect gift.

I didn't think life could get any better. And then I read the reviews. 
If someone gave this to me, I think I would die happy.





After reading yesterday's post, You might be wondering...

What does Shawnda look like? Oh heck yes.

"Why does she have rainbow colored hair?"

Hey! Hands off you guys- S/He's mine.


11 comments Links to this post












 










I hate the crunchy sound your cheek makes when you are chewing gum, and you miss.

It's happened three times today.


I need a bandaid, for the inside of my mouth.

Have those been invented yet...?

16 comments Links to this post


Saving Money Is Sexy. Just Ask Kurt.

That's still a good idea.



But you don't have to use it in the next day.

(At least for Kurt.)

Or heck, put it towards a Kindle.

(come on guys. You know this is me.)

(But if you do I'll love you forever.)

It's like the coolest pyramid scheme ever.

So there you go. Full disclosure.


Labels: Awesome Finds, review, THIS IS NOT SPAM. I promise.


If you loved me, you'd send me spam.

...Too much honesty? 


Labels: I hate computers


I didn't send you a movie ticket

So, I think I need to change my password. It looks like something hacked my Gmail address book, and sent out a thing for free movie tickets. I have no idea if it's legit, but I'm thinking not.

Sorry guys.

I tried to send out emails to everyone, but there are 924 people in my contacts, and I reached my sending limit pretty fast.

Hopefully people see either this, or my facebook update...



I don't know why he gets nervous. He passes most of my tests.

"Hey Kurt, how much do you love me?"

He stared at me.

"Why yes, this is a test," I assured him.

He thought about it for a minute before answering.

"I love you enough to have married you even though you are the messiest roommate I have ever had. In other words, "Sooo much." With three 'o's."

"...I'll take it."




The only thing I steer clear from is Classical music.

Ugh. I hate Classical music.


My favorite hits of 2010:

American Honey, by Lady Antebellum

Hey Soul Sister by Train

Just The Way You Are, by Bruno Mars

Secrets, by OneRepublic

Love The Way You Lie, by Eminem

(I have a weakness for Eminem.)

Rhythm Of Love, by Plain White T's

Empire State Of Mind, the Glee version

Shy Ronnie, Featuring Shy Ronnie and Rhianna

What kind of music do you listen to?


30 comments Links to this post
Labels: Hours of entertainment, My Childhood


Awkward? Oh no, we are WAY past awkward.

I wanted to go to a sex shop.

(For my international readers, a sex shop is a place where you buy lingerie/adult novelty items, not a place where you buy sex. Just thought I should clarify.)

I guess I come across as pretty unfazeable in real life. When someone opens a white elephant gift and finds sparkling cider, condoms, handcuffs, and a pregnancy test, I always get blamed. (Ok, fine. It was me.)

But when it comes to the adult novelty items in the back of the store, I get all flustered and awkward. I can't stop blushing, and eye contact is out of the question.

Still, I was curious.

I told Kurt that I wanted to go to an adult store a while ago, and he was game. But every time we tried, I'd chicken out last minute. They all looked too sleazy and dirty.

...And most of the ones in Pennsylvania weren't really sex stores- they were adult book and movie stores, with creepy old men as their main clientele.

No thank you.

I decided to try the Blue Boutique.

The Blue Boutique is a shop in Salt Lake City. It's a well lit, classier option. I get their emails, and even though I've never been there, I knew it would be a better choice.

We planned it out, and picked the day. My Dad was taking us all to The Roof for dinner on Monday, which is right in the center of Salt Lake. Perfect.

We would drive separately, and make The Stop on our way home.


The day wasn't going as smoothly as my dad had hoped. My little brother hadn't gotten the message, and was still sleeping ten minutes before we were supposed to leave. My dad was really frustrated, and stormed around the house.

He just wanted it to be special.

After some pretty stressful minutes, they all piled into the car and left. But then a few seconds later they peeled back into the driveway.

"Helena! Why aren't you guys driving with us??"

I looked up from my makeup in surprise.

"Well, we aren't ready yet. We will just follow you guys in a few minutes."

"No, just come with us now. I want this to be special."

I could tell he was really frustrated.

I thought fast. "We have a few stops to make. It's ok, dad, don't worry."

He was getting more and more agitated.

"Are you mad at me? What's going on?"

"No, we just want to drive by ourselves."

He paced into the other room, muttering to himself. Then he turned to Kurt and said, "You guys are going over to Amber and Dave's house afterward to play games. It doesn't make sense. You should just drive with us."

He marched back over and demanded "You guys need to just get in the car."

I was flustered. "Dad! We have errands to run!"

He was nearing the end of his rope. "Helena, I want this to be nice, and you're just making it harder than it has to be! I don't understand, just get in the car and we will drive together-"

"Dad! We are going to a sex shop! And I don't want you to come with us!"

The words just hung there, begging me to snatch them back.

We stared at each other, horrified. The silence grew more and more awkward, and finally he turned and walked out the door. Mortified, I turned to Kurt, who was just standing there in shock. "I didn't know what to do!" I pleaded. "He wouldn't take no for an answer!"

Romy, the cleaning lady, was dying of laughter in the background.

She finally gasped out a full sentence. "I can't-gasp-believe-gasp-you said that to your father!"

She was doubled over with laughter.

Kurt started chuckling too.

"It just came out you guys!"

They were laughing too hard to respond.

...My poor Dad. He just can't seem to catch a break.


When we went over to Amber's house later that night, I shared that story with my sisters.

They were more horrified than amused, and Chantel piped up with a story of her own.

"For our one year anniversary, Michael and I decided to check out a sex store. We were in Saint George, and we looked in the phone book. There were a few phone numbers, but no addresses."

"Did you call?" we asked curiously.

"Yeah. The number belonged to a lady who sells sex toys out of the back of her car."


"We met her in a parking lot."

"...you're kidding."

"No, she was really nice."

I just...I didn't know what to say to that.

So there you go. If you're in Salt Lake, check out the Blue Boutique. And if you're in Saint George, check out the shady people who sell sex toys out of the back of their cars. Kurt's response when I told him this story: "And that, my friends, is how you catch Chlamydia."


Note from Chantel:

"It was a lady who does sex toy parties! Like Tupperware parties! It wasn't weird!"

Sure, Chantel. Sure.


41 comments Links to this post
Labels: My Sisters, Well THAT was awkward