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Love Your Life: Embrace the Moment

What I really want to title this post is, "Love What You Got, While You've Got It, Because Things Will Eventually Change And You'll Find Something Else To Stress About."

The event that triggered such a long-winded title was nothing extraordinary. I was simply sitting in the car with Jake, alone, for the first time in what felt like months. The kids were with a babysitter and we were on our way to a youth group event. But we were alone, for the moment, and as I sat there, thoughts started to flitter through my head. Tears welled up in my eyes, which I hid from Jake because I felt silly crying in the car on a Sunday night for virtually no reason.

Why was I crying, you ask? Well, it was because I was desperately missing being a couple, just the two of us. I missed having the freedom to get in a car and drive somewhere without having to schedule a babysitter, write out bedtime routines and emergency numbers, lay out PJ's and night time diapers and wrestle away from two screaming toddlers just to get out the door.

I could not believe I'd spent years being immensely unhappy because we couldn't have children. Maybe you laugh to read this, but anyone who has dealt with infertility knows...you put having kids on such a pedestal, the reality of those children can't possibly live up to such lofty ideals!

There were so many trips we could have taken! So many last-minute, non-scheduled dates we could have gone on and truly enjoyed—if only I hadn't allowed myself to be so freaking miserable about stuff I had no control over. I was not in control of our fertility or the foster-to-adopt process—and it drove me crazy. I agonized and stressed and spent far too much time wallowing. And yes, I had plenty of valid emotions. We shouldn't pretend to be okay when things aren't okay.

But now, looking back, I can see how I could have found moments to be happy. Moments to enjoy being alone with my husband and relish the freedom we had. And that's the thing, we can all find something to be stressed about right now and something we think will alleviate that stress. "If only this particular circumstance would change," we tell ourselves. "Then I can be happy. Then life will be okay again."

But circumstances will always be changing and new challenges will always come. We ended up with two beautiful kids after six years of infertility struggles and adoption—but these two munchkins are a lot of hard work! Parenting two toddlers without family around to help is a draining experience, to say the very least.

What I'm coming to grips with is this: There's a difference between feeling things and letting those feelings overtake your every waking moment. Even in the midst of trying circumstances, there is joy to be found.

I'm very proud of the way I handled my miscarriage, for instance. That pregnancy, that baby, had taken almost two and a half years of effort and medical intervention. We were elated to be pregnant...and then I got that awful phone call and everything came crashing down. Our baby was gone.

And for some reason (namely, the Holy Spirit) I had the presence of mind to tell myself, "Feel what you need to feel, when you need to feel it." This meant that I didn't pretend. On Christmas Eve at church a friend asked me, "How are you?" And I didn't lie to her. I couldn't, at that point. I told her, "I'm not doing very well, actually. I had a miscarriage and I'm really sad." Which lead to my friend telling me about her three miscarriages and three healthy, grown kids and giving me a needed hug. For about a month I was sad and weepy when I needed to be and I didn't bullsh*&t people. I told them the truth. And when I had grieved, I was able to feel joy again. I was able to smile and laugh and be delighted when my friends told me they were expecting babies.

I felt my pain. I embraced it. And then I felt joy again.

Satan loves to rob us of this...he steals the joy. But God gives it back. He shows us the amazing moments even when life isn't so amazing. So really, no matter where you are in life, love it! It's gonna change, I promise you. And with those changes will come new highs and lows, new challenges and joys. Embrace the moment, feel what you need to feel, and try to find the spots where joy can infiltrate.

It's a lesson I'm learning moment by moment these days... - Melissa
Posted by M. Kircher at 8:34 PM 28 comments: Labels: Christian Living, Embrace the Moment, family, Holy Spirit, infertility, Joy, Love life, Love Your Life, marriage advice, marriage blogs 2014, Miscarriage and Loss, Pain, parenting, Stress


The Importance of Perspective A couple weeks ago, I (Jake) was at a Youth Ministry conference and on Friday night, I was chatting with a couple of people when the topic of our book, 99 Thoughts on Marriage and Ministry, came up. One of the youth workers got a little excited and expressed that her and her husband had been married for a little over a year, and she asked me to give her some nuggets of wisdom from the book.

I smiled and asked her how her first year of marriage had been. “Oh, it’s been great,” she replied. So I began to share that our first year of marriage had been anything but great. I was open and honest about some of the struggles and pain we went through in our first year of marriage, along with some of the subsequent lessons that we learned because of those things.

Keep reading at http://youthministry.com/the-importance-of-perspective-in-marriage-communication-and-youth-ministry/#sthash.fKs87un3.dpuf
Posted by Jake and Melissa Kircher at 2:04 PM 21 comments: 

Brains, Brains, Brains

Nothing highlights the specific strengths and weaknesses of your brain's unique makeup like having two toddlers. We always knew that our brains worked differently; Jake's brain is fast-moving, multi-tasking and spaghetti-like, while mine is task-oriented, super-focused and needs to transition sequentially. Honestly, Jake has the type of brain many women have, while I tend to think more like a guy. We realized this early on in our marriage and it often takes a lot of really concentrated effort to communicate effectively when both our brains are whizzing at different speeds and capabilities.

But that was nothing compared to now! The combined force of two tornados—ahem, I mean toddlers—full of energy, emotions and developing rationality has undeniably presented both our brains with unique challenges. Toddlers just don't cut you any slack!

As anyone who has ever driven with me (Melissa) knows, I literally can't drive and talk at the same time, unless driving a route I know by heart. My brain just can't multitask. So when Jake walks in the door right before dinner and both kids are talking (a.k.a. screaming), I'm trying to get the food cooked and on the table and he wants to know how my day has been...it's not that I'm trying to be short and curt in my answers, my brain is literally on overload and can't pay attention to one more thing.

Instead of having constant mini-spats about this, like we were doing, I decided to communicate to Jake exactly why I act the way I do. And he totally understood! But it's hard for his fast-paced brain to remember in the moment. Our temporary solution? I ignore his questions if I'm on overload. It sounds odd, but I'm actually trying my darndest not to be rude to my husband. It's much more healthy to stay silent and continue in my task of getting-dinner-on-the-table-slash-toddler-watching, than to snap at Jake every night. This silence has also been helping Jake to clue into the fact that my brain can't handle any more tasks and he needs to wait until things settle a bit to talk to me.

Weird solution, but it's working—for now.

Jake, on the other hand, can multitask very well and keeps up with the constant movement and flux of our little ones much more easily. However, because his brain jumps around so fast, it can be hard for him to process his own emotions or tune into the emotions of our toddlers. Whereas I can read a situation with a tantrum-ing little one better because I'm focused more intently on them.

This was causing tension in our marriage because Jake thought I was interjecting too much, that I thought he couldn't handle our emotional kids. But the fact of the matter is that his brain is super great at handling whirlwind situations and longer amounts of time with the kids and mine is better at reading their emotions and knowing intuitively how to calm them down. So he's been trying harder to allow me to interject once in a while, to help him learn some toddler-wrangling techniques.

It takes a heck of a lot of effort to think through all of this!

Brains? Who knew that they would play so much of a role in our marriage and parenting lives?
Posted by M. Kircher at 10:34 AM 19 comments: Labels: brains, emotions, kids, Life, marriage advice blogs, marriage and parenting blogs, marriage blogs 2014, relationship blogs 2014, toddler blogs

 


Posted by M. Kircher at 11:14 AM 13 comments: 


Posted by M. Kircher at 6:47 PM 188 comments: 


Bringing Home Difficult People Whether you have been in youth ministry for 5-minutes or 50-years, it doesn’t usually take long to figure out that there are some difficult people within our churches. You know, that parent who always seems to have an issue with something you’re doing. That elder who seems to never be satisfied with youth group attendance. Or that pastor who just can’t understand why you do what you do with students.

In our experience, it’s these difficult people within our churches that can be one of the biggest threats to our marriage. Jake has had countless times, especially early in his career, where he has come home frustrated and short due to a difficult encounter that day. We’ve had pending decisions from church leadership that impact our family’s wellbeing that seem to drag out forever. And we’ve had demanding parents interrupt family time because they want something now or else…

Difficult people are a guarantee in our line of work, but how do we avoid bringing them home all the time to our families?

Keep reading at: http://youthministry.com/bringing-home-difficult-people/#sthash.nwtmNCy5.1DXh7vGI.dpuf
Posted by Jake and Melissa Kircher at 2:12 PM 14 comments: 

What Is The Point Of Marriage?

Last Tuesday was a rather normal day, but when dinnertime rolled around, I found myself exhausted and totally spent. The kids were being cranky and hungry and I simply could not take another moment; my introvert quota of “people energy” had been spent. So I called Jake and asked him if he would allow me duck out and take a bath when he got home, while he cooked dinner and put the gremlins to bed.

“Sure,” he replied. “I’d be happy to do that for you.”

I took my bath, read my book and got what I needed in order to function as the healthy version of Melissa. After I got out of the bath, Jake and I had dinner and he asked me some questions about his work, we talked about scheduling stuff he had on his mind, and together we decided to read a marriage book he’d suggested—all things that would have exploded my shorted-out brain an hour earlier. But all things that Jake needed in order to process his day and be the healthy version of himself.

The evening could have been a disaster, but instead there was this gentle give and take, like the ocean tide ebbing and flowing against a sandy shore.

And it got me thinking.

This energy flowing between us, the way we each asked for what we needed, responded honestly, and worked dynamically to solve problems, THIS felt like the point of marriage. The space between us that was secure in the fact that we’d be staying together and the peace that descended on the messiness of everyday life as we traversed it.

It feels like the majority of the marriage books and resources out in the ether today are all aimed at STAYING TOGETHER. As if the whole point of marriage is not bailing out. I’ve been sensing this theme in our writing, as well, and it’s been bothering me.

The point of marriage is not just to stay together; it’s to experience something radically life-giving because breaking your commitment is simply not an option.

A recent example of this is our sex life. I’ll be frank, sex has been an issue since day one in our virginal union and it continues to this day. We do not have things in the bedroom all worked out, not in the least. But over the last couple of months I’ve felt a huge shift in our sex life, and it mostly has to do with my own mindset.

My big secret to better sex? I let it go.

It’s not that I stopped caring about sex or putting in effort, but I realized Jake and I were going to be okay in the midst of our sexual issues. We were committed to each other and loved each other and maybe it was okay to relax about sex a little. Maybe it was okay that I didn’t get exactly what I needed when I needed it. And perhaps, I had some issues of my own to work out (huge surprise).

This mental shift has opened up the space between us, literally like a breath of fresh air. I know we’ve both felt the energy between us relax when it comes to sex and this relaxation has sparked—no, not crazy lovemaking every night—but more enjoyable, loving, connected and easygoing sexual experiences. And this is what marriage is all about: the freedom, learning, and joy that happens when you stop focusing on how on earth you’ll actually stay and relax into the energy flow of two people journeying through life together. It’s the interplay between two spouses that is so life-altering and affirming when done right.

So, what is your marriage like these days? Do you find yourself concentrating on how your relationship is going to stay together or are you able to see how you and your spouse move back and forth, learning and supporting each other as both unique individuals and part of a solid, unchanging union?

Feel free to share your thoughts below! -Melissa

Posted by M. Kircher at 10:55 AM 280 comments: Labels: Christian marriage blogs, how to have good sex in marriage, marriage advice, marriage blogs 2014, relationship advice, secure marriage, Sex advice, strengthening marriage, What is the point of Marriage


Married...With Children Last week our little brood spent a glorious Saturday afternoon at the park with friends; a lovely couple who has three children three-years-old and under. We get each other. At one point during a lull in the ball-kicking, tantrum-averting, tuna-dirt fiascos and everything else that goes along with maintaining the chaos of five wee gremlins, my friend (the wife) turns to me and says, "So how do you and Jake keep your marriage alive while parenting small children?"

I laughed at her.

No really, I did.

"You tell me," I snorted back. "We just spent all morning fighting about this." And we had. Passive aggressive harsh whispers back and forth escalating to curt tones which then turned into a yell or two. Parents of the year over here!

Two days later I sat next to this same friend and a group of other moms with small ones for a ladies night out. "Okay," I announced. "I want to hear everyone's advice about this subject. How do you stay married? How do you have time for each other when at the end of the night all you have energy for is watching an episode of New Girl and falling asleep at 8:45?"

They laughed at me.

"You and Jake want to know?" another friend at the table asked. "Gosh, if you guys don't know...I mean, don't you write about this stuff?"

"Have you read our blog?" I asked, deadpan. "Number one, there have been no posts for ages because we're totally exhausted. And number two, it's called the Holymess for a reason. We own not knowing what the hell we're doing!"

I'd like to tell you that the conversation then went on to be full of wonderful pearls of wisdom I could share about keeping connection and romance alive when more than one tiny being depends on you for EVERYTHING. But that's just not what happened. We chatted a bit and honestly, it was much more life-giving to vent about marriage stuff in a positive, loving environment than it was to try and fix each other's unique relationship struggles.

Having two small children is really, really hard. God bless you lovers who have more than that. Friends of ours have five. Five. I break out in hives just thinking about it.

It helps to know that Jake and I are not alone in trying to work this married-with-children thing out. Makes those exhausted nights where we can't figure out how to connect just a little bit lighter.

Knowing that we're not alone does help us fight harder. If I know my friends are busting their buns to carve out marriage space amidst the craziness of parenting, it makes me want to keep trying. I'd like to think I've become a little (a little, mind you) more laid back about sex. I've been able to say yes to going out on dates more and speak up when those dates aren't happening. Granted, this only happens when having a brief conversation about something completely unrelated that taps into my feelings—those things that have buried deep down in my psyche in order to survive. Hey, it's hard to be all Oprah and zen while one kid is running into oncoming traffic and the other is tumbling headfirst down a flight of stairs. I'm just lucky we're all alive at the end of the day, forget about feelings. And I'm so tired these spurts of demands are spoken in stilted cavewoman. "Give me love language," I grunt.

Recently, Jake and I have started having dinner after the kids go to bed so that we can actually talk to each other during a meal. It makes bed-time hellish for me. My introvert tank is on low after all day with the two kids and I'm hungry and they're cranky. It's grit-your-teeth-this-will-happen kind of epic-ness to pull off, but Jake and I have so enjoyed this new time together. Yes, we inevitably crash and zone out in front of the TV after, but we enjoyed thirty-minutes of conversation and connection. Sometimes we even have sex.

Miracle of miracles.

So here are my seriously deep tips for staying married with children:

1. Chill out - Relax your standards. Emotionally own that your marriage is different now. It's important and should be a priority, but it's different and will require a good deal of trial and error from now on.

2. Try - Wow, the complexity of this one! There's no time for complexity, people, it's do or die out here. If you want to stay married you just need to try. This will work itself in a myriad of ways. But if you don't try, then I guarantee you'll start drifting apart. It's really, really easy to drift apart when you have kids. So keep trying, keep putting effort into your marriage even if all that means is saying "I love you" every day.

That's it. I know those two points seems opposing, but they are actually quite compatible, trust me.

And seriously, we're all about soaking up the wisdom of others. Be a doll and post your own marriage advice below. I'm sure there are plenty of us who want to hear how you and your spouse make it work!!   -Melissa

Posted by M. Kircher at 9:46 AM 7 comments: Labels: cavewoman, children, Communication, Couples, emotions, introvert, kids, Marriage, marriage tips, married with children, parenting, quality time, relationship advice, relationships, staying married


Listening to God's Voice 

Getting Ready for the School Year