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Oct 15, 2012

Ramblings From my Heart

My friends will tell you that I have it all together.

I don't.
(and they'll tell you that I'll say that, too. ha!)

But really, last night was hard.

I teach Anna's Puggles class at our church on Sunday nights, and I absolutely adore each child in there. I especially love being able to have extra time with my little girl and see her interact with others her age.

Seeing her interact with others... last night it really hit me...

As I was carrying her out of Puggles back to the sweet ladies who keep the nursery (Anna will be three in January, by the way), I had to admit to myself (for the first time, really) that she is different. She is special. She is 'special needs.' Oh, don't you just hate labels? But I don't know any other words right now.

The realization slapped me in the face. Almost literally. It took the breath out of me. As I was pulling her off the other children, I was panicking inside. It broke my heart to watch them push her away and run from her. Why doesn't my child look like the others? Why doesn't she act like the others?

I cried, of course.

I cried to those sweet ladies. Anna cried. "Me do Puggles! Me do Puggles!" After a few minutes, I scooped her back up into my arms, gave her a big squeeze, and we headed right back to that Puggles room. When I started helping with the AWANA program, it was so I could be with Anna more. 'Different' or not, we were going to do Puggles together. (Plus, I knew more helpers were on the way, which always helps!)

Different. That word has so many connotations. God made everyone different, didn't He?

And God made Anna. Anna, whom I briefly took out of Puggles last night for giving everyone big knock-you-down bear hugs. Anna, who just wants to love people in her own way. My baby girl. The sweet girl that God gave me to raise; He made her exactly the way He wants her. And He will help me be the best mommy to her that I can be. He will help me be what she needs. He.

He must increase, but I must decrease.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, the doctors think Anna has a rare genetic disorder (not life-threatening, but certainly life-changing), and we're awaiting her test results to confirm or dismiss this diagnosis. She has so many of the characteristics for Gorlin Syndrome; I really don't know what to think if the test comes back negative.

I feel like I'm on a boat, and God is in that boat with me. I'm not sinking, I'm not suffering, but I'm just drifting in the sea. Waiting. I'm waiting with God. We've been waiting for the doctors to figure out what's different about Anna for almost her whole life. Then, after so many appointments and tests, we have a possible diagnosis.

I see an island in the sea.

The doctors think she has Gorlin. My family and I think she has Gorlin. We're now sailing towards that island. And now that I see this island, I really want the diagnosis to be correct. I just want to get on land and set-up my tent and get into a routine. I want a normalcy to return to my life. We've been staying inside out of the sun for over a month now (with Gorlin, sun is bad). I can deal with no-sun, but I just want to know.

But the fact is, I don't know. All I know is my sweet girl is beautiful and special to me and to her Creator. (this was our last trip to our city's botanical garden in June, before her diagnosis)

I don't know what God has planned for our family, but He is already drawing us closer together and closer to Him. Everything has been challenged this year, and we've all had to find a new normal and adjust. We're learning to depend more and more on Him, which is hard, but it's also a blessing. After all, a calm sea doesn't make a strong sailor.

Where I am weak, He is strong.

Plans. I make lots of plans and lists. I can control my plans and my check-boxes. (Hey! Thanks to my Foundations Guide, I know what the memory work will be for all three cycles of CC! That's so cool to me!) But, my plans almost always change because God's plan is rarely ever my plan. I feel like I did when I was about to give birth to Anna, the 'nesting' period before she arrived. I'm trying to make as many school plans as possible before the test results come back in a few weeks. And really, I'm trying to keep my mind busy. I'm not an over-achiever who wants to be the first to post her weekly plans on the link-up. I'm just trying to make it another day. Trying to come to terms with my new normal, until it's time for the next new normal.

Well, I just had these words on my heart to share this morning. No fun new links or ideas to post about school, just some mama ramblings about what's going on with us. All the feelings are fresh, raw, and new; I'm still processing everything right now. If you think about it, please pray for our family during this time. I'm so thankful to God for the family and friends He has blessed me with, and also for the new friendships I've made through this little blog.

And while I don't know much right now, I know that God is good. All the time.