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#hotgoss redux: Table Talk

A Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Hold up...we CAN talk politics at the dinner table and don't have to totally dread Thanksgiving dinner? Check out our most recent #hotgoss episode where educator Ella, and Oronde and Catherine chat about their strategies for a happy, harmonious and intentional holiday. And then read our official Speak About It guide below! Photo source: Pexels.com

Thanksgiving is a holiday that can be fraught for so many people. Whether it’s family drama, food and body-image issues, dinner guests that don’t see eye-to-eye, or the origins and history of the holiday itself, there’s lots of space for conflict, stress, pain, hand-wringing, hair-pulling, door-slamming and more.

Especially in a year where sexual assault and consent has been in the news so much, Speak About It wants to provide our friends and followers with resources to have (or not!) those tough conversations. Likewise, we want to provide some tools for navigating other dinner-table dynamics and confronting the problematic history of the holiday. We hope you’ll find these tips helpful as you plan for a healthier evening with family and friends.

1. Educate yourself.

The ethos and ideas of Thanksgiving: an opportunity to gather with loved ones to celebrate the harvest and offer gratitude, is something Speak About It can totally get behind. The racist and colonial version of the ‘Thanksgiving’ story that has emerged over the past two centuries? That’s something we can’t. There is a sordid and violent history behind Thanksgiving and many folks in the Native community consider it a day of mourning. Honor the native land on which we live, and educate yourself not only about the true history of Thanksgiving, but also about local Native populations, the early colonists, and how the ‘Pilgrims and Indians’ version of the story came to be the accepted mythology.

The Sioux Chef recently penned this great article in Time about his reckoning with the holiday. He provides a short historiography of the Thanksgiving tale you learned in elementary school, as well as his own perspective on how he is celebrating instead. We think it’s a must read.

Numerous writers, educators, and thinkers have shared guides online to educate folks about how to engage with the colonial traditions of Thanksgiving. Here’s a few that have helped us!

2. Make a plan.

Whether you’re going home for Thanksgiving, heading to a partner or friend’s house, or staying put, think about what things may stress you out or throw you for a loop this year. Then, think about how you can either get ahead of those things, endure, or even enjoy family time.

Maybe you need to state some boundaries up front. Find a way to tell your mom that you’d prefer she doesn’t talk about calorie counting or weight-loss, or kindly request from Grandpa that he not ask about dating or relationships. Maybe for the sake of preserving your sanity (or someone else’s), you need to agree on not talking about the recent election. Maybe, for the sake of your sanity, you need to agree that you must talk about the recent election.

A plan may look like coming up with a concrete agenda for the weekend. Does that include a hike or a walk with siblings or partners so you can get some fresh air and reset? Does it include setting a limit for how much alcohol you will consume over dinner? Maybe it’s as simple as setting an intention before you cross the threshold of your family home: “I will enjoy some of my favorite childhood foods.” or “I will get to know my niece a little better.” or “I will remember to breathe.”

If you struggle with body image or if food brings up a lot of anxiety for you, try doing some positive self talk before going in. Let yourself enjoy the meal as best you can, and if family members are prone to commenting on how you look or how much or little you eat, try talking about that with your family before the meal. Simple requests like, “I am working on having a better relationship with my body, so if we could not talk about weight loss this weekend, I think it would really help me.” or  “Dad, I love your cooking, and it helps me enjoy the whole experience even more if we focus on how great the food is, and how you made it, not on who is eating it and how much.”

Part of having a plan is identifying who in the room can be an ally or support system for you should you need them. Maybe your brother, or a cousin, or even someone’s partner is someone who you can look to for back-up. Find someone who can squirrel you away to help with the stuffing if you need a break from your family. Shoot them a text before you get there asking if you can lean on them for support. Conversely, maybe there’s someone in your family who may need the same thing from you. Did your younger sibling just go through a bad break up or lose their job? Give them a call before the big day and ask if there’s anything they need.

If you’re bringing someone home, whether it’s a friend or a partner, make sure they know what they’re getting into. Have a conversation about what your expectations are for each other and for the event. Let them know your concerns, listen to theirs, and devise a plan for how to help each other out during the day.

3. You don’t have to disengage from “contentious” topics.

Oftentimes, the standard suggestion that manners experts and advice columns will give for surviving Thanksgiving is to avoid talking about politics or current events at the dinner table. This may be an important strategy to maintain civility and calm during your meal, or even for your own mental health. However, there may be productive and even fruitful conversations to be had, especially with family, surrounding topics that feel ‘hot’ or ‘contentious.’ If you feel that you’re able, you might find that engaging in conversations, especially about social issues you care about, may even be enlightening or rewarding.

If it feels safe to do so, we can often make the most difference with the people we love and with our families, especially because our family is often where our moral, social, and political education (and sometimes rebellion) began. Pick a topic that you can ask an open ended question about. Be ready to listen, to challenge, and to be challenged by folks at the table. For example, if you’re a white person, start by asking a question about privilege or how often race factors into your day-today life. Share a reading from something that resonated with you, like Peggy McIntosh’s Invisible Knapsack, or a scene from a TV show that made you think critically about an issue. Watching football? Maybe that’s the right time to bring up the NFL’s relationship with domestic violence, Colin Kaepernack and Black Lives Matter, or how the league treats cheerleaders.

When it comes to having conversations about #MeToo, Ella and Oronde had some great advice from our episode. Oronde said he tries to distill issues away from contentious personalities (Kavanuagh, Trump, Harvey Weinstein for example) and speak in generalities. "How would you feel if a person did this...?" He also tries to speak from his own perspective or experiences. "People love you and empathize with your own experience most, because they know you, and you're sitting in front of them." he said." Ella offered great advice, "We're consent educators, so if we want, we can be expert in this topic. We can say, 'I've done my research and this is what I found.'" They added, "But, this is also my job, so I  also think it's okay to say, 'I do this for work, and I'm on holiday right now, but let me email you some stuff when I get back to my desk on Monday.'"

Both Oronde and Ella agreed that, especially now, it is time to have the tough conversations about race at the dinner table. Shying away, especially for white folks and folks with privilege, can no longer be an option. To help have those conversations, we think Rachel Cargle's  great article in Harper’s Bazaar this month is a perfect starting point. Check it out!

5. Try radical listening.

If you are in a place to have a tough conversation with your family or friends, try using radical listening. Radical listening is the practice of intentionally engaging in relationship building through conversation by quieting your own voice and judgements to allow space for informed questioning and dialogue. Radical listening requires that all parties listen more than speak, respect each other equally, suspend assumptions, and engage in an attempt at reciprocal understanding. As Chanel Lewis says in this wonderful TED talk about radical listening, “It’s a practice.” It isn’t easy, especially across differences, but it can be a tool to stay in a conversation and to learn.

Radical listening can often bring people closer together. But it also asks folks to sit in discomfort, which can be necessary to moving forward. But all sides need to be willing to listen and practice. While you can’t radically listen all the time, it’s a great tool to have, especially in contentious conversations. This Strike Magazine article has some great advice on the limits of radical listening, the importance of consent when it comes to radical listening, and more. And remember, it’s one tool. You don’t have to do all the heavy lifting at the Thanksgiving table, nor do you need to solve racism (nor will you) in one sitting. Plant the seed. Talk. Hear each other. Make space.

And that means making space for fun too.

6. You don’t owe your grandparents information about your sex life.

Especially as we get older, nagging questions about dating from our families, or even our high school friends, can be really stressful...and definitely make for awkward dinner table convo!

We are strong advocates for parents and teens, and even parents and their adult children, to have a healthy and open dialogue about sex, sexuality, and relationships. Not because we owe our families details about our sex lives, but because it’s good to have a support network to go to with questions or concerns about dating and relationships.

However, pressure to date, especially pressure to date or have a relationship look a certain way at a certain age, can add strain or stress to an existing relationship or make you feel insecure when you’re single or dating around. If your family asks about your dating life in a probing way, feel free to share as much detail as you are comfortable with but don’t feel like your love life needs to fit any standard or set path. As long as you are making healthy decisions that feel good for where you’re at right now, that’s what matters.

Questions about dating can be tough for queer folks, especially if their family or home is not fully accepting or understanding of their identities or relationships. This is where having an ally, like a sibling or a cousin might be helpful. If you fear insensitive questions from your grandma, touch base with a supportive family member first so they can be ready to jump in, take your side, and take some of the emotional burden off of your shoulders.

Likewise, if you have a recently out sibling or family member, be there for them. Don’t speak for them, but let them know you’re available for support. If they’ve recently come out to you, don’t assume that they’re out with the whole family. Follow their lead when it comes to talking about dating and sexuality, especially as it pertains to their life. Coming out is a journey that they need to direct themselves.

7. Re-write traditions!

You don’t need to be bogged down by the same traditions that caused you stress in your childhood. Find new ways to connect with your family members--maybe from now on each Thanksgiving you go on a hike, play Scrabble, or share an idea or cause you’re interested in. If Thanksgiving with family doesn’t work for you, who else do you want to come together with around a shared meal and the idea of gratitude? What kind of community do you want to celebrate?

Likewise, now is the time to rewrite the mythology around the American Thanksgiving story. Take some time to honor your local Native populations, and find a new way to frame the holiday that either acknowledges our colonial past or moves towards a more equitable future. Cook a meal inspired by Native chefs. Cook a meal inspired by your own family’s ethnic or cultural roots. Sit down as a family or friend group and decide on an organization to donate to that is making a real impact in your community. Volunteer. Find a way to celebrate and show gratitude in a way that works with your morals and beliefs.

So friends, how are you going to re-write your traditions this year?

We're here for you! Don't hesitate to email us at email@example.com

Speak About It is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that partners with high schools and colleges to educate, entertain, and empower students to create positive change within their communities, advocate for and practice healthy relationship habits, and prevent sexual violence.

Copyright 2016 Speak About It, Inc.  Website by Alexandra Valleau Speak About It Change Makers Here at Speak About It, we acknowledge that our own work is built on the brave work of many activists, educators, and thinkers before us. Likewise, we work today in community with incredible violence prevention and consent advocates across the country.

The narratives of people of color, queer folks, trans folks, and other marginalized identities are often silenced, erased, or overshadowed in the broader social dialogue about sexual assault. For example, even in the age of #MeToo, many people of color are still working to have their stories heard with the same weight and same seriousness as their white peers.

We serve all students across all identities and want to ensure that all students feel their voices are represented and heard. The work of diverse activists and thinkers makes our work to build a culture of consent more inclusive and more effective. That work deserves to be celebrated.

So we want to share with you, our friends and followers, some of the Change Makers who have inspired us and keep inspiring us every day. We’ll update this post with new Change Makers twice a month.

Do you have someone you want to share with us? Email email@example.com.

Change Maker #6: Amanda Nguyen

Amanda Nguyen is a Harvard graduate and the founder and executive director of RISE. Now at 27, an age where most millennials are just getting used to filing their own taxes, she’s a Nobel Peace Prize nominee. As a young, Asian-American woman fighting on a grassroots level for increased protections and rights for survivors of sexual assault, there’s no question that she is an important voice in the field of violence prevention and a true Speak About It Changemaker. (She's also training to be an astronaut, so we extra love her!)

Following her own assault in 2013, Nguyen was met with bureaucracy and nonsensical policies that did little to meet or serve her needs as she figured out how to seek justice. “When at Harvard, I was raped, and I went through the criminal justice system. I noticed these huge irregularities within the criminal justice system for rape survivors,”she said in an interview with Newsy this year.

Nguyen discovered that in Massachusetts, where she lived, the statute of limitations for a rape charge is 15 years, yet the state only held on to rape kits (usually the primary evidence in a reported assault) for six months. While she managed a full time job in DC and healing in the years following, Nguyen had to contend with the state every six months in order to get her kit kept on record. She couldn't believe she had to relive the event and the trauma month after month, just to leave the option of pressing charges open.

This experience motivated Nguyen to take her struggle public and to support other survivors who were left behind or failed by the system. In 2014, she founded RISE to educate, train, and empower survivors to fight for their civil rights.

Nguyen worked with experts and policymakers to draft the first Survivors' Bill of Rights, which passed unanimously through both chambers of Congress in 2016. (Only 21 bills in US history have been passed unanimously!) However, the new federal law only applies to rape cases tried in federal courts. The majority of cases are tried on a state level, which means significant work continues for Nguyen, RISE and her team.

Nguyen first helped successfully pass a survivor rights bill through the Massachusetts Congress, and continues to work with RISE to pass similar bills across each state, encouraging survivors and advocates to come forward and join the fight in their local communities. She has worked alongside celebrities and experts like actors Terry Crews and Evan Rachel Wood, testifying on Capitol Hill to encourage more states to adopt the Bill. As of November 2018, RISE has helped 19 states pass a Survivors' Bill of Rights.

Nguyen was nominated for the Nobel Prize by California legislators Mimi Walters and Zoe Lofgren, who were floored by Nguyen’s “unprecedented efforts in bringing equal protection under the law and basic human rights to all survivors of sexual assault, regardless of geography.” Recognition is a great accomplishment, but the fight is long from over. In Nguyen’s own words, “There is a long tradition in American of people taking their painful living truths and channeling it into justice.” Her work empowering other survivors shows evidence of this nationwide. Nguyen is not limiting her sights on America though. RISE is also hoping to get the United Nations to Adopt a Global Survivors’ Bill of Rights, as sexual violence is a global epidemic.

You can follow Amanda Nguyen's work at www.risenow.us or on Facebook at facebook.com/risenowus.

Change Maker #5: TERRY CREWS Former NFL player and Brooklyn Nine Nine star, Terry Crews, is hoping to re-write the book on masculinity, especially when it comes to sexual violence. Earlier this year, as numerous women were coming forward with their stories about harassment and abuse at the hands of powerful men in Hollywood, Crews joined in with his own story to tell. In an interview with NPR, he said he was inspired by the women’s strength to sacrifice everything and share their truths publicly. He felt an incredible empathy for them after seeing so many people question the validity of their stories. Judgement, doubt, and shame were all things he had experienced too, as a survivor with his own story of sexual assault in show business.

After going public, (you can read the full story on BuzzFeed), Crews faced push-back and criticism that was specifically racialized and gendered. He encountered people asking him why he didn’t fight back, describing his size, weight, and race as reasons why he couldn’t be a victim of sexual assault. He responded to his critics, saying in Bust Magazine, “I’m a 240-pound black man. If I’m defending myself and knock this guy out, there’s not going to be any mercy for me. Just ask all the brothers who’ve been shot down. I would’ve lost everything.”

Despite this painful vitriol, Crews was galvanized to work harder, to call out this kind of reaction what it was: evidence of toxic masculinity and straight up racism. Today, he aims to change people's preconceived notions about what survivors look like, while also tearing down the toxic culture that breeds assault and blames victims. “This is how toxic masculinity permeates culture. As I shared my story, I was told over and over that this was not abuse,” he said. “This was just a joke. This was just horseplay. But I can say one man’s horseplay is another man’s humiliation. And I chose to tell my story and share my experience to stand in solidarity with millions of other survivors around the world. That I know how hard it is to come forward, I know the shame associated with the assault. It happened to me.”

Since going public with his account and filing lawsuit against his assailant, Crews has become a strong spokesperson for male survivors of assault and for the #metoo movement as a whole. He was named a Person of the Year by Time Magazine, standing alongside dozens of other ‘Silence Breakers’ who helped usher in a new era of seeking justice for survivors of abuse.

Crews recently testified in Congress alongside activist (and Nobel Peace Prize nominee) Amanda Nguyen, sharing his story to advocate for the Sexual Assault Survivors Bill of Rights and to push Congress to fast track implementation of the bill which was signed into law in 2016.

Crews’ testimony powerfully exposes how toxic masculinity and racism feed sexual violence. We applaud his efforts to advocate for the rights of any and all survivors and victims. You can read his full testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary committee here.

Change Maker #4: MARSHA P. JOHNSON This Pride month we're celebrating gay rights activist and trans-woman of color, Marsha P. Johnson!

Born to a working-class family in New Jersey in 1945, Marsha Johnson made her way to New York in her teens. A self proclaimed drag queen, sex worker, and trans-woman of color, she soon became a regular in the gay nightlife in Times Square and the Village in the 1960s. Many of her biographies mention her bouts of homelessness, experiences that led to her future work as an advocate for homeless queer youth. However, she is best known for her work as a “vanguard” in the Stonewall Riots, resisting and fending off police, alongside friend and fellow activist, Sylvia Rivera. Many attribute her as the first person to throw the brick, but stories vary when it comes to this detail. Johnson herself said she arrived later in the evening as the buildings were already burning. Either way. queer activists, especially online, are rightfully vaulting Jordan back into the limelight of history as one of the diverse faces and heroes of the Stonewall Riots.

After Stonewall, Johnson remained a figurehead in the Gay Liberation Front, advocating for inclusion of all people regardless of “sex, race, age and sexual behaviors." She fought hard for drag queens especially to be included in the movement. (The term transgender was not popular or commonly used during these times.)

Johnson's signature flashy, creative wardrobe filled with reclaimed garments and high-femme style combined with her captivating personality caught the attention of many, and she became a prominent and active leader in demonstrations throughout the 70s. Reporters and artists, including Andy Warhol, often interviewed and photographed her.

In 1970, at age 23, she and Rivera co-founded STAR (Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries) a home and gathering place for trans youth. Many say Johnson acted as the "drag mom" for the house, an important and symbolic role in many black and Latinx queer communities. That same year the first Pride parade marched through the streets of New York to commemorate the Stonewall Riots, with both Rivera and Johnson involved. Johnson struggled with mental illness throughout her life, and faced much mistreatment at the hands of many medical practitioners as a result. Despite spending significant time in and out of institutions, she maintained a vibrant and public life. She led sit-ins an demonstrations. She performed frequently at drag clubs with the performance troupe, Hot Peaches. In 1980, Marsha was asked to ride in the lead car in the New York Pride parade. At this time she had also started living with gay activist, Randy Wicks and began her involvement with ACT UP, working to support friends, lovers, and community members coping with the HIV/AIDS epidemic.

Johnson tragically drowned in the Hudson in July of 1992. At first her death was proclaimed a suicide, but investigations have recently been re-opened after fellow activists advocated for many years for authorities to take a deeper look and bring justice to Johnson's life and legacy.

Johnson is the name sake of the Marsha P. Johnson Institute, a newly formed initiative dedicated to providing structural support for Black transwomen. In recent years, her legacy has gained larger notoriety, but it has been a long struggle to give Johnson the recognition she deserves in the story of gay liberation. Her story is seen by many modern activists as emblematic of a larger cultural problem with the erasure of trans women of color from social movements, especially gay rights and gay history.

This Pride month, share Marsha's story with someone you know. And check out these great resources to learn more about her life.

Change Maker #3: DR. DONNA ORIOWO

We met Dr. Donna Oriowo this past October at the National Sex Ed Conference, where she delivered the keynote address. Her remarks addressed the intersections of race and privilege in sex education. She urged audiences to engage with their discomfort around identity, and think critically about the privilege they bring into the classroom. She also encouraged educators to think about sex ed not as a monolith that applies to all people, but with nuance; to consider how even things like skin color, shade, and hair quality affect how someone is treated in the world, and therefore how they develop their sexual identity and what kind of education and affirmation they may need.

A graduate of Morgan State University and Widener University, Dr. Donna saw very few black sex therapists working in the field when she was first studying public health. As she finished her PhD in Human Sexuality, she wanted to fill a gap, and specifically address the needs and desires of black women and couples in her practice. She works as a private practice counselor, and loves working to empower black women to connect with their emotions, build their self esteem, and celebrate their sexuality.

“Let's work together to discover more about you, your sex(uality). And how it connects to your race, ethnicity, spirituality/religion," Dr. Donna writes on her website, inviting therapy clients to learn "how to navigate [your sexuality] when you are feeling depressed, anxious, or like your self esteem is just not where you need it to be." Dr. Donna is widely quoted across the internet on various subjects surrounding relationships, sexual health, and pleasure. She also speaks across the country and consults with sex educators, especially around issues of intersectionality.

Dr. Donna pushes educators to engage with the racist history of birth control and sex education in this country, and in doing so re-visit how we engage with young people of color in the conversation about sexuality. Black and brown students deserve to have access to pleasure-based, informative sex ed. In addition to individual clients, Dr. Donna works with sex ed professionals to develop intersectional curriculum and practices. This includes media literacy and empathy training. She also advocates that educators and researchers diversify the images and educational materials they use when teaching about sexuality. Showing anatomically diverse bodies in diagrams with different colors, shapes, and hair types helps more students connect to curriculum and understand their own bodies.

Want to learn more about Dr. Donna Oriowo? Check out her website, An Nod Right or follow her on Instagram!

Change Maker #2: ROSA PARKS Take what you learned in second grade about a meek and gentle seamstress who was too tired to give up her bus seat and toss it out the window. The story of the Montgomery bus boycott, and Parks’ own biography, is much more complex. By that afternoon in 1955, Parks had been a veteran organizer and activist for years. A woman who drew inspiration from Marcus Garvey and Malcom X, she was on her way home from work to prepare for upcoming Alabama NAACP elections, of which she was the secretary. Her early organizing years were centered, in particular, around combating lynching and racist sexual violence against black communities.

As a sexual assault investigator for the NAACP, Rosa Parks took a central role in seeking justice for Recy Taylor (who’s story of assault you may remember from Oprah Winfrey’s moving remarks at this year’s Golden Globes). This piece, written in memoriam when Taylor passed away in 2017, tells her story and her struggle for justice, and details some of Parks' work on the case. Ms. Taylor was interviewed by NPR in 2011 here, where historian Danielle McGuire also talks about how Taylor’s story, and those hundreds of other black survivors of sexual violence, exemplify how intrinsically intertwined racism, white supremacy, and sexual violence truly are.

Parks was the lead investigator and change maker in numerous rape and lynching cases throughout her years as an organizer. Following Taylor’s assault, Parks worked tirelessly to seek answers and justice from the sheriff in Taylor’s hometown. Taylor’s own home was fire-bombed, and Parks was accused by the sheriff of being a “troublemaker” and essentially run out of town. Following this, Parks organized a national campaign, the Committee for Equal Justice for the Rights of Mrs. Recy Taylor. The campaign garnered national attention, especially from black activists and writers like Langston Hughes and W.E.B DuBois.

Parks replicated similar campaigns for other victims too. Taylor never received justice from the court systems for the atrocities she suffered, but Parks' work to bring her story and others into the public eye was a bold, brave, and revolutionary act that left lasting marks on the civil rights movement. Later, Parks would build a defense committee for Joan Little, an inmate who killed the guard that sexually assaulted her in self-defense. Little was the first woman to use self-defense in a homicide case with success, much in part due to Parks' advocacy.

Parks work also provided an organizing platform for other civil rights struggles and demonstrations, both of the era and today.  Likewise, many regard Rosa Parks as a grandmother of the #MeToo movement. Says #MeToo founder, Tarana Burke, "We can’t do this work without continuously referencing the work of Rosa Parks fighting against the sexual and racial violence that black women were subjected to.”

Change Maker #1: ROXANE GAY

Roxane Gay is one of the most prolific writers of fiction, essays, and cultural criticism today. Her biting wit and on-point Twitter game offer an incisive, inclusive and sometimes irreverent look into pop-culture, storytelling, and social justice. Her writing and commentary cover a range topics, from race and representation, to comic books and Beyonce. Her book of essays Bad Feminist is an affirming and intersectional series of pop culture critiques and personal essays, and offers an accessible entryway into modern feminism and social justice. Her writing on sexual violence, from personal narratives to astute essays are some of the most compassionate, complex and energizing writings on the subject. We also think it’s pretty much the coolest ever that she co-authored Marvel’s World of Wakanda series with Ta-Nehisi-Coates.

Plus in between writing and posting this blog post, she was awarded a Guggenheim Fellowship. And launched a pop-up magazine on Medium, Unruly Bodies. She’s unstoppable!

We got to see Roxane speak live at Bowdoing College last month, and were moved, charmed, and floored by her relatable wit and incredible insight.  If you haven’t read any of Gay’s writing, or haven’t seen her drag her twitter haters...it’s a hundred and fifteen percent worth it. Plus, we’re looking forward to the vitally important essay collection she curated and edited, Not that Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture, coming out this May.

Jumpstart your Roxane Gay reading list with these articles:
 Meet the Educators: Tonya I.

Meet Tonya! Tonya brings a distinct passion for building a more sustainable, equitable, and just world to her work at Speak About It. Tonya, center, with her touring cast at Syracuse University.

Tonya is a recent graduate from Vassar College who is joining Speak About It for the first time. At Vassar she majored in sociology and drama, and worked hard to make campus a greener and more sustainable place. A member of team Red Balloons this summer, she brings her passion for social justice and dyanamic energy to the stage.

Tonya is no stranger to using theater for social change. In high school she toured other local high schools and middle schools doing a show about depression and suicide. Says Tonya, “It was doing that work in high school that made me believe that peer education is so valuable when fighting these difficult issues. I really jumped at the opportunity to do it again with Speak About It after college.”

We chatted with Tonya before she left for tour last month. Get to know her a little more below! Hey Tonya! First things first: Any real or goofy nicknames?

My family calls me Toni but that’s about it. I’ve been called T-Bone and Toni Baloney in the past though, which I find ironic because I’m vegan!

So you were a theater major, why do you think theater is an important vehicle for Speak About It’s work?

We all love being entertained, don’t we? I think a lot of learning can happen through entertainment. Theater embodies these topics in a way that makes the discussion a little less stuffy and formal while at the same time making it more intimate and deep. Theater demands vulnerability and bravery, and to talk about issues like consent, we require both.

You’re on tour which can be pretty intense. What is your favorite self-care practice?

I think an easier question would be what isn’t! Sleep, cooking, meditation, and massage definitely are high up on the list though.

If you had to give a TED talk on something, what would it be?

I taught a student seminar at my college my junior year titled “Living Consciously by your Conscience,” which was basically just 4 short sessions of me demonstrating ways to be kinder to yourself and others, and being more mindful of the things we consume in our daily lives, primarily through food and the waste we produce. I think my TED talk would be a condensed version of that, since I find that so many of us forget the potential we have as individuals to make positive impacts every single day with our actions.

If you had a super-power, what would it be, and why?

I would want to teleport—mainly to reduce my carbon footprint!

What is something you’re super proud of? Don’t be  humble.

For my senior project in Drama at Vassar I played Lenny in Beth Henley’s Crimes of the Heart, which is set in a kitchen. On opening night I came in for a scene where I was supposed to be fuming—and clearly, I was, because I slammed the door so hard that it sent a 15-inch ceramic platter on the top shelf tumbling down which crashed and shattered EVERYWHERE on the floor. The audience totally lost it and I was frozen like a deer in headlights for a moment before I immediately just went to clean it all up as my character would’ve done. Fortunately, being in a kitchen we had a broom and dustpan on stage already! My cleaning ended up being perfectly timed with the scene and I managed to not break out laughing once for the next half hour I was on stage. After the show half the people I talked to had to actually ask me if that plate was supposed to fall! There are definitely some other things I’m proud of, but I’m pretty sure that one will stay in my memory as a fairly legendary moment!
 Meet the Educators: Chelsea E.

Chelsea is a three year veteran of Speak About It, bringing energy, enthusiasm, and heart to every show. It’s only appropriate that she’s been the manager for Team Hearts for the past two years! ❤ Chelsea had never done something like Speak About It before answering the call in 2016. Now an expert consent educator, she loves being part of something that encourages people to do something they’re not doing enough: talking about consent and sex. She loves the way Speak About It engages students, saying “It’s unique, it’s like a performance, meets presentation, meets TED Talk, meet conversation with strangers.” And she’s a perfect fit for the gig, when asked on what she’d give a TED Talk, she said, “Definitely gender. I’m always saying things like ‘gender is a social performance.’”

A graduate of Emerson College with a BFA in Theatre, Chelsea is a big believer in theatre for social change. “It is eye-opening and has the power to change people by tapping into their humanity,” she says. While she’s a veteran in the show and in the facilitation circle, Chelsea says there’s always room to grow and looks forward to growing even more as a teacher and leader this year. “I find, in this work, I learn as much as I teach.” Chelsea, second from the left, performs during Pride week this year.

When she’s not pouring her heart into Speak About It, Chelsea is an actor in Boston, and has worked with numerous theater companies throughout the area, most recently appearing as Juliet in a production of Romeo & Juliet performed in Shakespeare’s original pronunciation. When she’s not on stage, Chelsea loves to write. Aside from being a consent super-hero, when asked if she could have a super power, Chelsea remarked, “I want to say something cool and useful like teleporting, but I’d probably be like Eliza Thornberry and just communicate with animals.” We still think that’s pretty cool! Keep up with Chelsea and all of team Hearts on tour by following Speak About It on Instagram.
 #hotgoss redux: Body Stuff!

For episode 9 of #hotgoss, we invited special guest, activist and writer, Kirsten, to talk all things bodies with us. Check out the full episode here. It’s summer, and for most of us that means our news feeds, emails, and everyday consciousness will be swarmed with messages about beach bodies and short shorts and showing more skin. So it seemed the perfect time for Speak About It to remind you to love your body with our first summer episode of #hotgoss. This week on the episode, we talked about bodies, the language we use to talk about bodies, and why loving the skin you’re in is all part of building healthy relationships.

What is Body Positivity?

Body positivity is the idea that everyone's body, regardless of shape, size, color, ability, gender and more, deserves to be respected, represented, and celebrated in their personal lives and in the media and broader culture.

Body positivity is on the rise, with more and more people questioning ingrained cultural standards of beauty that applaud only a singular type of body. More and more clothing brands are starting to show diverse body types in their marketing. (Though, as this series from Racked says, there’s a long road ahead of us to build a truly body positive world, and not one that's just doing it for good PR.)

Body positivity is about centering your individual health, and figuring out how you can treat your body well in ways that work for you. Body positivity is for everyone, with all types of bodies. It just may look different for different people.

Sound kinda familiar? Body positivity and sex positivity are pretty close bed-fellows.

Like sex positivity, body positivity isn’t always an anything-goes endorsement for all lifestyles. More so, it’s the idea that an individual should have access to the tools to determine how they want to take care of their own body in a healthy, productive way. Both movements are about empowering individuals to make the choices they want to make, free of judgement. These tools include having access to accurate and comprehensive health education, and to medical providers, friends, family, and partners who respect an individual's choices no matter what their body looks like.

This BuzzFeed article has a great and inclusive run down of the body positivity movement. A must read! Source: Buzzfeed/Andrew Richard

Our Body Image Affects Our Sexuality

When we learn about sex and consent in school, it is often in way that is more conceptual and removed from bodily experience. But it’s important to remember that hooking up usually involves your body, and usually involves someone else’s. We must talk about bodies when we talk about consent.

How we feel about our bodies affects our own sexuality and sex lives. If you don’t feel comfortable in your body, for whatever reason, it can be more difficult to experience sexual pleasure. Discomfort in your body can be linked to how others treat you, or to the pressures you put on yourself. But loving your body, it’s been proven, makes you a better lover of both yourself and others.

Part of loving your body involves using language, and having partners use language that affirms both your identity and your own body. As we said in the episode, it’s important to talk to your partner about what kind of language makes them feel good, and then share your own preferences. Do they need you to be medically accurate when talking about body parts? Specific? Vague? Do you call your butt something special? When talking about your curves or your hair, do certain words help you feel more confident? We talked a little bit about this in our Sex Ed panel last week, and our experts had some great advice about language that applies to bodies of all identities. Check it out.

Likewise, partners should appreciate and support each other in ways that don’t feel objectifying or fetishizing. This can look different for different people. Some people feel objectified if a partner talks about how they looks in a pair of pants, other people love that. Being sensitive to fetishizing or objectifying language is especially important when talking about people of different identities, with specific regard to race. We want to celebrate each other for the bodies we bring to every situation, but not in a way to reinforces stereotypes, relies on historical forms of oppression, triggers past trauma, or otherwise makes our partners uncomfortable.

Language that infantilizes, or as Kirsten said, 'sanitizes,' bodies can also make folks feel more ashamed of their bodies. Maybe a friend likes to be called ‘thicc’ because it helps them feel sexy in their body. That said, another friend might not like that term because they feel like it sets up a comparison between themselves and an idea or norm, or because the word is specifically racilialized. Follow a person’s lead when it comes to how they positively affirm their body and use what language they want to use.

Many bodies also exist in relationship to others people's. It’s important to take time and reflect on how that affects your own body image. You must be careful in how you talk about a partner's body, especially when it comes to changes in their body. Whether that’s weight-loss or a gender transition or any other change, it is valid to feel differently about your body in relation to a partner’s changing one. But it's important to respect their journey and experience. Learn to talk about your own feelings without making the conversation about you or without making your partner feel guilty or bad about their changing body. Kirsten recommended that folks talk to a therapist or a trusted friend about their feelings in regards to their partners’ body so they can help distill and reframe these feelings in a way that doesn’t negatively impact their partners’ own body image.

Here are a few more resources for learning about how to talk about your body, love your body, love other people's bodies, and love your sex-life. Ask More of your Mind when it Comes to Bodies

Body positivity is both as simple as loving and respecting your own body and others', and much more complicated. Because different bodies have been treated and mistreated throughout time, we have to be critical of what our own version of body-positivity looks like. We have to think of who is left out of the dialogue, and then strive to be more inclusive. Loving your body (and all bodies) requires critical thinking.

We have to think about the ‘writers of the rules,’ even when it comes to body positivity. If your idea of body positivity only includes white folks, or only includes cis-folks, or only includes able-bodied folks, or folks with perfect skin or folks with a specific shade of skin, or what have you, that’s not truly inclusive or body positive.

Likewise, we have to take a look at how, even in this moment of body positivity, a 'politics of acceptability' is starting to emerge. Often we see messages in media and advertising, or even on Instagram, that seem to say, sure, you can be fat if your fat is sexy, or you can have scars, if your scars are sexy, or you can be plus-sized but only within this range of sizes and only if you're this shape. You can be old, only if you look like Helen Miren. (No shame, Helen!) Or even: You can be queer--but only if your queerness looks a certain, marketable way. Question those messages. Challenge them.

As we talked about on the episode, an important part of body positivity is having a conversation about attraction. Especially when it comes to sex and relationships, it’s okay to be attracted to who we’re attracted to. But like we talked about in our last episode on intersectionality, we must be critical of how we form ideals of attraction. We must think about what influences who we’re attracted to and why. Shane had a great anecdote from his past about looking at attraction critically in his own dating life.

When I first moved to the city, I had dated people who mostly fit the mold of ‘conventionally attractive.’ People who were pretty thin, usually athletes. But the first woman I dated here had a larger build. We dated for a while, and when we broke up someone asked if it was because I wasn’t attracted to her body. I had to think about this a lot, I felt called out, especially because I totally understood what it feels like for someone with a female body to feel shame about how they look. For me, I realized, we weren’t a good match not because of how she looked but because of our difference in lifestyles. I’m interested in dating people who want to go to the gym with me or hike or cook together, and that just wasn’t her thing. I understand that a person could look exactly like her and be into all of those things (and more!) and I’d probably be attracted to them because we share that kind of relationship with our health and body. I don’t think the woman I dated was any less of a good or valuable person, we just made different choices with our time and energy.

There’s lots of ways to think critically about bodies and how we talk about them. Have conversations with your friends, like this one. Think about who’s represented, not only in media and in fashion, but in other spaces where bodies of all shapes, sizes, and abilities have needs too. Ask if brands are profiting from the body positive movement without doing the work of supporting and celebrating all bodies. Have open and honest conversations with your partners about your own body and the language you want to use around it. Listen actively to what they need or want too.

All of this is part of a healthy, consensual relationship.

Bodies, A Post-Script

Here are some more awesome resources for your reading and viewing pleasure. Thanks to our guest, Kirsten, for some of these recommended reads!
