Sherlock 1. A Book That Might Have Been Read

**I was bored. So I decided to provide a normal, everyday conversation that John and Sherlock might go through. Especially if Sherlock's bored. Please read, please review. Honestly, I get this fantastic feeling of accomplishment every time I see that someone's reviewed something of mine.**

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"And just what do you think you're doing?"

"Jesus Sherlock! Make some noise when you approach me. I nearly took off your head."

"Yes, you did overreact a little John, I can't feel my arm."

"I was in the army you know. Believe it or not, I have been ambushed before."

"That was hardly an ambush."

"May as well have been."

"You haven't diverted me from my original question. What are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing really, just idling."

"Through Fifty Shades of Grey?"

"I wasn't reading it, I just picked it up!"

"You should know by now that I don't judge John."

"I wasn't reading it!"

"Of course not."

"I don't like your tone Sherlock. Don't be snide, it isn't becoming."

"You think I care about your reading preferences?"

"No, 'course not, I know you well enough."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing at all Sherlock, nothing at all."

"That was condescending."

"Very good. Consider me impressed."

"So, what's the book like? Any good?"

"For the last time, I wasn't reading it!"

"All right, if it makes you fell better about yourself John. You weren't reading it."

"I swear to God, I will kill you."

"You wouldn't do that. I provide too much excitement in your boring life."

"It's been anything but boring since I met you for sure."

"So really you should be thanking me."

"…"

"You're right John, not really one of you skills."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all."

"I don't like where this conversation's going Sherlock. I'm losing ground."

"Indeed you are. Shame."

"What the Hell Sherlock?! Don't do that again!"

"Argh! You got me in the solar plexus. I can't breathe."

"Good. That's what you get when you slam books in my ear."

"I. Can't. Breathe. John."

"Poor Sherlock. You'll get over it."

"I will get you back for this."

"I'm shaking in my boots."

"Should be. I can be rather intimidating when I choose to be."

"I hadn't noticed. Is that what that vaguely intense stare-y thing you do supposed to be?"

"You're hilarious John. Should be a comedian. You'd rake it in."

"Thank you."

"I give up. You're being insufferable. Like talking to a five-year-old."

"Coming from you, who makes a song and dance every time your brother checks up on you."

"Don't bring Mycroft into this, you automatically lose the argument."

"Shame."

"You should care more about what you win and lose."

"This barely counts as a conversation, let alone an argument. I fail to see how I'm losing."

"I'm going back to bed."

"That's right. Quit while you're ahead."

"Bad things are going to happen to you soon John Watson."

"Righto, just as soon as you get up from your nap eh?"

"Goodbye."

"Later."


	2. All For A Phone

**G'day. This is a short conversation which, realistically, probably happens frequently in 221B Baker St. Hope you enjoy! Read and review. If you have any ideas, feel free to suggest them, and I'll do my best to deliver. Your idea's up next LoS, don't worry.**

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"John, phone."

"What about it Sherlock?"

"Get it for me."

"We've been over this before. I'm not your bloody slave. Get it yourself, you're not a paraplegic."

"I'm in the middle of something."

"Wait until you're finished then. If you're to busy to grab a phone sitting barely a metre away, you're too busy to annoy Lestrade or your brother."

"What factored into you conclusion that I wished to contact either of those people? I have a great deal of acquaintances that I may have a need of."

"Oh for God's sake Sherlock! It's either Greg or Mycroft because you don't talk to Molly over the phone, you simply rock up and ruin whatever relationship she's trying to have. Mrs Hudson's downstairs and you yell for her, and she doesn't have a phone either, or not that I've seen…"

"She has a Samsung flip-top 2007 model."

"Whatever. It's none of your homeless network, for obvious reasons and you don't have any other 'acquaintances' as you so endearingly call them. So by process of elimination it's one of the two."

"Consider me impressed John. In case you were wondering, I wish to call Lestrade about some evidence his team overlooked at the last homicide. Not surprising really."

"I'm still not getting you phone. I'm typing up your latest case. Y'know the one with the axe shoved in the bloke's brain. Horrible way to go."

"Please John. I'm busy."

"No, not this time."

"It's really important."

"No."

"It involves investigating a high-class strip club. And you know Lestrade will put us on the case."

"Not interested. And I'm offended that you think I'd be swayed with the bribe of a strip club. I though you knew me better."

"I do know you better. Which is why I know, in approximately forty seconds, you're going to huff, make unnecessary noise while standing up and retrieve my phone for me. And by the way, it's actually in my left coat pocket, not on the table this time. You should have noticed, you got up to make tea five minutes and sixteen seconds ago."

"Not this time I'm not Sherlock. I'm resolved to outlast you on this one."

"We both know that that's not going to happen John. Now be a good boy and get my phone for me. Please."

"Give me two good reasons why I should."

"Only two? Why, are your standards really that low? Or do you secretly want to get my phone, because if that's the case we can skip the reasons and you could just do as I ask."

"Ask? More like demand. I will not be pushed around."

"I'll set fire to your favourite shirts."

"Really Sherlock? You're too lazy to grab your own phone but you'll set my clothes on fire? Where are your priorities?!"

"John."

"Fine. You win this time. Only 'cause I know you actually will set light to anything that's not yours."

"Oh, and John."

"What now?!"

"You misspelt 'telecommunications'."


	3. Enduring Anderson

**I like this one. It's a prompt from _Lady of Something_, so I hope you enjoy this _LoS_! I'd like to thank all my reviewers, my favourite-ers and my follower! Let me know if you've got a prompt, and please let me know if I got the characters right. Please read and review!**

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"Did you bring him in?"

"You know I did Anderson. No one has the faintest idea where to go with this one."

"You haven't even tried."

"Well, go on. You try it. Figure out what happened, why they did it, and who is responsible. I'd like to see your skills of deduction."

"Well let's not be rash. I can't just guess…"

"We all know you can't guess the colour of a marshmallow to save your life Anderson, what's different this time? Were you exercising his tiny brain George?"

"Greg, you know it's Greg."

"Hey, I'm standing right here you know! You can't just…"

"Can you comprehend words now? My, my, you've come a long way."

"Leave it Sherlock. What have you got for us?"

"Not sure yet. Let you know when I do."

"Ah. So the Great Consulting Detective does have flaws. We're all stunned."

"Oh, _shut up_ Anderson!"

"No, no, let the invalid speak. I imagine all those thoughts are pressing painfully against his skull. John told me I should ease a person's pain if I had the capacity to do so."

"Sherlock…"

"What do you want Lestrade? Go bother someone else."

"Fine. C'mon Anderson, we're gonna go over the back room for prints again."

"No, I think I'll stay here, swab around the body, maybe do a little prodding. Our famous detective needs a little help."

"It's your neck. Don't come whining to me when he insults your intellect. God knows he's not too far off the mark when you get it in your head to be stubborn."

"Looks like you've grown a backbone since I've last had the misfortune to… ah… encounter you."

"Trust me, walking in on you wearing only a sheet, barely covering you, wasn't a highlight of my life either."

"You paint such a charming picture. Sure you wouldn't be better off as a sculpture artist?"

"The sociopath cracks a joke. Throw a party."

"I see you finally deigned to use a dictionary, and label things as they are correctly titled."

"No. Just too bloody sick of listening to your 'I'm a high-functioning sociopath'. Gets on everyone's nerves."

"What on _earth_ are you doing?!"

"Swabbing for foot or finger prints. Like you're supposed to. You do know that someone collects the evidence you use to 'solve' your cases, don't you? It doesn't just appear at the desk in the St Bart's labs. The Yard does do something."

"If that's how you've been obtaining your evidence all these years, no wonder you're absolute rubbish."

"Watch it detective. You're not just insulting me this time, you're insulting the Scotland Yard."

"Whoops. I fail to see how that changes the facts."

"The Yard's been around a lot longer than you, and it's gotten on just fine without you. Just remember, when you're long dead and decomposed, the Yard will still be solving cases and saving lives."

" You're absolutely correct Anderson. I apologise profusely."

"Really?"

"I must admit, your perception of what you consider important has improved greatly during my absence."

"Well…"

"Though, I'm afraid the same cannot be said for your recognition of sarcasm."

"One day Sherlock, I swear to God…"

"I'll be waiting. Now if you don't mind, I've got a dismembered body to attend."


	4. Early Morning Antics

**Hey, I'm back - sorta. This is a good ol' chat between Mycroft and Sherlock, which, naturally, is not overly civil, nor is it quiet. I hope I've done a good job at capturing the characters tones, and I'm sorry if I've missed the mark. Please read and review.**

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"What could _possibly _so important that would warrant you to visit at three fifteen in the morning Mycroft?"

"You know full well why I'm here, _brother dear._"

"Hmm, it couldn't possibly that you require my assistance in some mundane matter could it?"

"Don't look so smug."

"Why not? This is a rarity."

"Don't make me regret this Sherlock. Just remember, I do hold leverage."

"Resorting to crude threats? You're losing your touch. Why me anyway?"

"_You_ know."

"Of course I do, but I want to hear you ask me."

"For God's Sake…!"

"Ah, ah. Don't wake John, he'll only serve as an audience for your embarrassment."

" You think John could embarrass me? You're the one who's an embarrassment!"

"Looks like someone had childhood issues. Keep it down."

"Sherlock…"

"Mycroft?"

"I would be grateful for your Homeless Network's involvement in this _minor_ scandal that's been tossed on my desk. The sooner it's cleared, the sooner I can move on to important issues."

"Not now. Too early."

"Too early in the morning?! Sherlock Holmes, I want eyes and ears sent out now!"

"The homeless sleep too you know."

"I don't care! This needs to be addressed NOW!"

"Mm… Wha's goin' on in here?"

"Ah, John. I see my dear brother has woken you with his antics. Apologise to John, Mycroft."

"What _are _you doing here in the middle of the night Mycroft?"

"Actually, it's a quart…"

"Just answer him. You've already woken him."

"How this involves John, I do not…"

"I am here you know, listening to what you're saying."

"Mycroft wants me to send out a few people to 'check in' on a man from his office. Apparent…"

"_Enough_! All I require is someone to see if he meets with anyone."

"Why, what's he done?"

"It doesn't concern you John, but seeing as my _detective_ of a brother will probably figure it out and tell you himself, there's really no point in keeping it from you."

"You're assuming I don't already know?"

"I know you don't know, because no one but myself and my immediate superior knows. So it means that you can't speak of this to _anyone_. Not a word, you understand."

"Jeez Mycroft, surely you know your brother and me well enough that we're not completely without moral boundaries. Granted, me more than him, but still."

"Don't count on it."

"For God's sake Sherlock, do you want to know or not? Because Mycroft won't say anything if he has even the slightest doubt you'll do something stupid."

"And what would be classed as stupid?"

"Back-chatting me when you've just woken me up. I don't know if you've noticed, but it's a Tuesday! I have work tomorrow!"

"Technically it's already Wednesday…"

"_I _didn't wake you! It was Mycroft…"

"I will stab the both of you if you don't shut up Sherlock and if you don't start talking Mycroft."

"Best do as he says, I can never tell if he's serious or not."


	5. Three In The Morning

**So sorry guys. I know it's been a while since I've updated. And there's no excuse. So I apologise. Anyhow, here's a new chapter, and I hope you all enjoy it, 'cause I certainly had fun writing it. Please read and review.**

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"Sherlock, it's three o'clock in the morning! What's so important that it can't wait until morning?"

"St Bartholomew's has recently gained two new bodies. I need access."

"Again, it's three. Molly's in bed, asleep. She's your only way into the morgue."

"She'll be here shortly."

"You called her?"

"No, John. I walked into her house and flew her here."

"Was… was that just sarcasm?"

"My, you _are_ quick on the update this morning."

"Sorry I'm late. Couldn't…"

"Yes, yes, fascinating Molly. Neither of us cares if you couldn't find a clear pair of underwear. Now let me in."

"Sherlock, watch it! He apologises for…"

"You're going to have to brush up those manners Sherlock. What I was going to say was, 'I couldn't get past security because a certain consulting detective currently has possession of my ID badge."

"How did you get that Sherlock?!"

"I lent it to him. But now you need to give it back, or else you're not getting a look at those bodies. And you need to ask me to open the door."

"I don't have time for this. I need…"

"Well, that's a shame. Because I'm not unlocking anything until I regain my identification and you say 'please'."

"John, she's being ridiculous."

"And what do you want me to do about that? How hard is it to do as she asks?"

"You're both wasting time here! I need access to those bodies now!"

"Don't throw a hissy fit. You're being childish."

"And since when did you grow a backbone Molly? Last time I checked you were all too eager to do anything for me. You even…"

"I'd stop right now if I were you."

"Is that a threat Molly Hooper?"

"Only if you want it to be, Sherlock Holmes."

"Whoa, easy. What's gotten into you Sherlock? And Molly, don't aggravate him."

"Stay out of it John!"

"No need for both of you to shout. This is when most _normal_ people are fast asleep, and this hospital doesn't cater only to the dead."

"Open the door Molly."

"Ask me."

"Now you're the one being childish! In an hour the flesh will have aged too much for me to work with. This is important."

"The I suggest you hurry in giving me back my ID and being nice."

"Just… just do it Sherlock."

" I don't have your ID with me."

"Bullshit."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because, despite how much you like to remind me of it, I'm not an idiot. Hand it over."

"I don't have it."

"Good night then. When you have it, bring it to me and I'll let you into the morgue."

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

"But I _need_ those bodies!"

"You're the only one who can do anything about that."

"…Fine."

"Excuse me?"

"I have your identification badge. It's in my pocket."

"Give it to me then."

"Open the door."

"For Christ's sake Sherlock! Give her the bloody badge, or I'm going home too!"

"So you're taking her side now John?"

"I'm not taking sides. But you pulled me out of bed, and I'd like to go back as soon as possible. So if you don't mind, hurry things up a little."

"Here."

"Thank you Sherlock."

"Open the door."

"No."

"But I gave you what you wanted. You're not keeping up your end of the deal."

"For starters, there's no 'deal' going on here Sherlock. And even if there was, there's one extra thing you forgot."

"I haven't forgotten anything! John! She's being difficult."

"Molly, can't you just…"

"No John, I can't 'just'. Sherlock needs to cultivate his manners and ask me to unlock the door so that he can access some dead people."

"Those bodies won't be any good for much longer!"

"Just ask her Sherlock."

"…Molly Hooper, could you please allow me access into the morgue so that I may perform a few experiments on decaying flesh?"

"Of course Sherlock, all you had to do was ask."


	6. Unexpected Revelation

**No idea what prompted me to write this. Just sorta started typing and this came into existence. So, for all you lovely readers, this means a double whammy! Two chapters in one week! Just don't expect that to last, yeah? This one may just be my favourite, and I hope you like it!**

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"Jesus Sherlock!"

"What's wrong?"

"There's a bloody foot in my bed! And it's not mine!"

"Oh, yes. Experiment."

"And what's wrong with your own bed? Or warning me?"

"Not relevant."

"Very relevant Sherlock. There's a dead person's _foot_ in my _bed_."

"Fine. If's it's so much fuss, you may use my bed. I prefer the couch anyway."

"But I like sleeping in _my_ bed."

"You just went and complained about there being a foot in it."

"So move the foot!"

"No. I'm recording, and any shift in location renders my data useless."

"Sherlock. Why does a severed foot need to be left in a bed?"

"Told you. An experiment."

"Is it related directly to a case you have at present?"

"Well, no, but…"

"Have you ever needed this information in a past case that you could not solve?"

"No, but…"

"Is determining whatever it is you're doing the only way to determine whatever it is you want to know?"

"No…"

"Then I'm moving the foot. To the bin."

"Don't you dare John!"

"Doing it."

"I forbid you! I need this!"

No you don't Sherlock. You…. Oof!"

"I won't allow you."

"You… just… winded… me… Why… do… that?"

"I need the data. Three more days will be sufficient. In the meantime you are welcome to use my bed if you wish."

"I'll _murder_… you Sherlock!"

"Well, if anyone could successfully carry that sentence out, it _would_ be you."

"Not joking."

"Of course you're not."

"Where are you going? What are you doing?"

"Well, seeing as you can't be trusted not to dispose of valuable data, you'll have to accompany me while I'm out. You'll need a coat, daresay it'll rain shortly."

"And where might you be going?"

"Gay bar, across town."

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Good God John. Keep the noise down."

"Is… is this you coming out to me?"

"What?"

"Are you coming out? Telling me you're gay?"

What? No. What does that have to do with anything?

"You're going to a gay bar Sherlock. What am I supposed to think?"

"It's a lead for a case."

"Well, I didn't know that did I?"

"You must keep up John, it's not my fault if you cannot accomplish that."

"I'm not going with you."

"Yes you are. I can't trust you to stay here."

"I'm not going to a gay bar."

"Do you have something against homosexuals? I never thought you were the type. Your sister..."

"No Sherlock, I don't have anything against them."

"They why do you not want to go to a gay bar?"

"Because then people will think that _I'm_ gay."

"But you're not."

"Doesn't stop people speculating. And seeing as we share an apartment, plenty of people wonder."

"Ah, who cares what people think?"

"I care Sherlock. I care."

"Really?"

"Yes. I've already had to fend off Donovan and her accusations, and I'm in no mood to add fuel to their fire of falsehood."

"Promise you won't move the foot."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"While I'm away, promise you won't move the foot."

"You're not going to force me to go with you?"

"Not if it clearly makes you uncomfortable. But I need your word."

"I won't touch the foot Sherlock."

"Alright. Don't wait up for me, I might be a while."

"Sherlock."

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

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**A reminder that I am taking prompts. So if you have any ideas, feel free to chuck 'em my way and I'll see what I can do about it. Just be warned that it may take a while.**


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Sherlock, Friendship, Humor