EastEnders 1. Chapter 1

The lights went off, leaving an eerie darkness in the room.

I looked at Allen questioningly.

'I like to make the office comfortable when I see clients.'

Was it me, or was there an inexplicable tremor in his voice when he said the word 'clients'?

'Can you turn on a light? I can't really see.'

'You don't need to see.' I couldn't see him but I could sense his smarmy smile on his face. This man was supposed to be my salvation but I couldn't stop feeling a sense of unease around Allen.

He got up and turned on the stereo. Calming music- I think it was Chopin- played softly.

'Now Syed. I want you to close your eyes.' I obeyed him.

'Think of your last sexual experience.'

I couldn't with him in the room. My time with Christian was- had been- sacred. How could I share it with a man I barely knew? As if sensing my thoughts Allen said, 'Utmost participation is required in order for treatment to be successful.'

I remembered.

_Christian and I on the floor in my flat... Pleased to see me? He'd smirked. I had smiled, I was putty in his hands. Happy Birthday, Sy... I can't be here... We'd kissed, softly at first and then passionately. I'd cried out his name... He'd traced my torso, peppered my stomach with soft kisses. My nails had dug into his back as I wrapped my legs around him. He''dscreamed, our voices becoming one. Our lovemaking got more and more frenzied. I kissed him hoping it would never end. Crying when it did. He'd kissed my lay, breathing each other in. Then the wordless moment where we both grabbed each other's hair, crying out, holding each other as our bodies melded together, not knowing where I started and he began... Then the silence as somebody discovered our clandestine tryst..._

The lights came on. My eyes fluttered open, blurry as they adjusted to the light and from the sting of tears that were begging to be spilt.

'It was wrong.' Allen said simply, looking at me with sympathetic eyes. _Christian and I wrong?_

'I'm sorry but it was wrong.'

'How is telling me that helping me?' I lashed out.

'You're a very enlighted man, Syed Masood. You're getting quite far in treatment- this is your last session remember so you tell me.' He moved closer to me on the settee.

I moved away, trying not to make it obvious I was doing so.

He ignored the hint and move closer. 'The next part of treatment is what I call reproduction therapy. Now, Syed. This is where you and I reproduce the _activities_ you did with Christian in order to desensitize yourself to the harmful effects that produce pleasure.'

'I don't think that's such a good idea...' I said, trying to get up.

Allen grabbed my arm. I suddenly realised, with a dim horror, what his intentions were.

His grip was surprisingly strong. He looked at the notes on his lap. 'The first thing you did with Christian was kiss him, leading on to oral sex and finally penetrative sex. Shall we start with that?'

I looked at him in disbelief. 'What?'

He grabbed my face. 'What are you doing? Surely you can't be serious?' I said, struggling to get up. Panting, he kissed me, prised my mouth open with his huge tongue and stuck it down my throat. I gagged. He tasted like old rags and cigarettes. I pushed against him with all my might but it made no difference. He was like a vice.

He pulled away, grinning. 'How was that? Now for the oral sex...' He moved the hand that was around my wrist to my belt buckle and in that split second, I mustered up all the strength I had and punched him in the face. I was never a great fighter but it connected and he fell to the floor, groaning in pain.

Panicking, I ran to the door and tried the handle. It was locked.

I hadn't noticed him lock the door. Allen stood up, clutching his nose.

'You little dick...' He snarled. 'Nobody rejects me. I promised I'd cure your disease and I will. We can do it the easy way or we can do it the hard way.' He moved closer to me.

What the hell had I got myself into? I was locked in a room with a closeted gay nutjob. I looked around. I quickly grabbed a nearby vase and hit Allen over the head with it. He fell to the floor unconscious. I prayed to Allah he wasn't dead. I pulled out my mobile phone and quickly dialled 999.

'Hello? Which service would you like?'

'Ambulance and Police.'

'I knocked a man unconscious with a vase because he tried to sexually assault me. He's in number 69, Holmwood Close, Walford. '

'We'll be right over.'

Shaking, I cycled through my phonebook. Who could I ask to pick me up? I couldn't ask Tam, he'd had bad feelings about Allen from the start and he'd be horrified. I couldn't ask Mum because she'd be heartbroken that once again, I'd failed. I couldn't ask Dad... well... just because. I found myself dialing the one number I never thought I'd dial again.

'Hello?'

'Christian, it's me. Can you come and get me?'


	2. Chapter 2

Christian wordlessly handed me a cup of tea. I clutched it, grateful for its warmth.

'Thanks.'

He smiled at me, though his mouth was set in a hard line. The expression on his face scared me. He looked murderously angry.

'I'm sorry.'

He looked at me with incredulous disbelief. 'What? What are _you _apologising for?'

'It's my fault... I let myself get into that situation.'

'Come here.' He placed an arm around me, for comfort- nothing more. He picked up a blanket near the arm of his corner settee and wrapped it around us. 'It's not your fault. It's his. He preyed on you when you were at your most vulnerable... he could have...' Christian trailed off, biting his lip.

'He didn't..._do _anything.' I flushed. 'He kissed me... that's all.'

'That's all? He shouldn't have laid a hand on you.'

'He's in hospital now and when he gets out, he'll be in police custody.'

'Lucky for him.' Christian muttered darkly.

I sipped my tea. He'd made it with milk and two sugars, just the way I liked it. He hadn't even asked me any questions. He knew I'd tell him in my own time. He'd come and got me the second I called him making small talk that skirted around the obvious enormous, fluorescent pink elephant in the room, never mind the fact he'd told me he never wanted to see me again, never mind the fact I'd been visiting Allen to erase everything we'd had...

'Why are you doing this?'

'What?' He turned to me and looked genuinely confused.

I gestured at the blanket and my mug of almost empty tea.

'Why do you think?'

'Because you feel sorry for me?'

'Dammit Syed!' He got up and angrily picked up my mug and dumped it in the sink. He stormed back in. 'I _knew _you'd say that! If you'd stop the self effacing thing for one second, you'd realise that I'm here with you, not out of some misplaced loyalty but because I _love _you, you idiot! And if you don't believe that, you can open the door and go.'

I stayed where I was, my eyes firmly trained on Christian's face.

'Well?' He asked.

I got up, moved close to him so our faces were millimetres apart. 'You don't mean that. ' I said.

'Don't I?'

The air crackled around us. The tension in the room was consuming us, wrapping us in a cloak of heat and sensations and ragged, halting breath.

I don't know who moved first but suddenly we were furiously kissing, like it was the last time we'd ever kiss.

'Christian...' I panted, my hands in Christian's hair, pulling him closer to me.

Almost as quickly as it began, he pulled away. 'Sy... we shouldn't.'

'Why not?' I challenged.

'I feel sick, thinking of _his _hands all over you.'

'So reclaim me.'

He gazed at me, his green eyes sparkling with the emotion he usually never hesitated to show.

'What?'

'Reclaim me. Go on.'

I grabbed his hand and placed it on my waist. Wordlessly, we sat there, studying each other . Smiling, he pulled me on top of him. I landed clumsily, due to the odd shape of the settee. As if reading my mind, he said 'I'm gonna have to get a new sofa.'

I laughed. 'Wow. It's like you can read my mind or something.'

He traced the contours of my face tenderly with his fingers, then replaced his fingers with his lips.

'You're shaking.'

'Am I?' I asked.

'Sy... we don't have to do this. We can just lie here.'

'But I want to.' I was surprised by how much I sounded like a petulant child.

In answer he trailed blazing kisses down my neck, then removed my top to caress my chest. I stopped him. 'What's wrong? Do you want to stop?' he asked, concerned. I wanted to remove that concerned look from his face. I am not a child. 'No. This just isn't fair. You have too many clothes on.'

He grinned. 'Well... we're going to have to do something about that aren't we?' He removed his top and threw it to the floor. He continued kissing every bit of my flesh he could see, causing me to internally combust at the fire thrusting through my veins. When he got to my belt buckle, I must have involuntarily tensed for he looked at me. 'He...tried to.'

He just pulled me close to him. I placed my head on his shoulder, marvelling at how well we fit together. Almost as if we'd been made for each other.

'Do you trust me?' He said, his voice almost a whisper.

How did he even need to ask that?

I nodded.

Staring into my eyes, he took me in his arms and instead of making love to me like I thought he would, he covered me with the blanket , closed the gap between us and kissed me, soft and tenderly, pouring all the love and strength he had into me. That kiss was not merely the touching of our mouths together, it was our souls transcending our bodies and joining together.

Christian placed a finger under my eye and held it up for me to see.

'You're crying Sy.'

I hadn't realised. I was too grateful to be in the arms of someone whose soul was so beautiful it was like he'd been specially crafted for me by Allah himself.

His green eyes locked on my brown, he slowly moved the finger with my tear on it to his mouth.

'There.' He said, satisfied. 'You've been reclaimed.' He grinned, the only way anyone would have known something was wrong was by the subtle tremors at the sides of his mouth, which showed me he was about to break, my Superman... about to burst into tears.

'Christian...' My voice cracked, tears once again, ran down my face. I looked down, ashamed.

His fingers gently lifted my face upwards. Tears coated his cheeks. He pulled me into a comforting embrace, our hot tears mingling as I melted into his touch.

'Why did you... call me?' He breathed it so quietly I almost had not heard him.

I lifted my head sharply, in disbelief. Could I really have made him so uncertain? So different, from the self assured, confident man I had been drawn to, like a moth to a flame? I had hurt him, I realised that now. I had hurt him many, many times, veering to and fro like a 'demented yo-yo' as he put it. And for that, it would take many moons to put right.

_Because I love you Christian. Because I knew you'd come. Because without you everything is unbearable. Because you are everything to me..._

'Because...' I said, hoping he understood the significance of that word.

'Because?' He looked confused and then his face cleared. ' Oh. _Because_.' He smiled. 'That's why I answered. Because.'

I looked at him, he looked at me. I ran my fingers through his hair, something he usually did to me.

He bit his lip, something I usually did to him because I knew it undid him.

For a moment, everything- Allen, my family, my faith- disappeared. It was just me and him. Us.

We smiled at each other. 'Night Sy.'

'Don't normal couples sleep in _bed_?'

His grin widened as he internalised the word 'couple'.

'Since when were we ever normal?'

I shrugged, he had a point.

'Night Christian.' I stretched, attempting to get comfortable on his oddly shaped settee. He closed his eyes. I observed his long, sweeping eyelashes, his gorgeous, defined cheekbones, his soft, pink lips, his strong muscled arms, his wide, reassuring chest...

I placed my head on his chest, and was lulled to sleep by his slow and steady heartbeat.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own Syed, Christian or any of the characters mentioned in this fic. All rights belong to the BBC. If I owned the characters they'd spend every scene naked and EastEnders would be a late night show!

Slightly dark chapter.

Please R+R.

Love DD x

_Allen was kissing me, his stale breath wafting into my mouth. I choked. He laughed. 'Keep still. You might enjoy this, if you let yourself, Syed.' I flailed my arms wildly trying to free myself from his steely grasp but it was no good. 'Lesson one Syed.' He placed his hand down my trousers. I broke out in a cry of horror as I realised he was actually going to..._

'_No! Please don't do this! Allen... I don't want-' I started hyperventaling in horror._

'_Christian!' I cried, in between gasps. '-Chris...'_

_Allen pulled down his trousers, a sadistic grin on his face. 'Lesson one. __**Never**__ trust men. Especially men who have SSA, they're all complete... well... arseholes. Speaking of arseholes... I need to see yours.'_

'_No! No! Help! Someone! Help! Christian!' I was sobbing now as he pulled down my trousers and my boxers, his grip was too strong, his intent too warped._

'Christian isn't coming.' He said as he brutally turned me over and loomed above me. I struggled. 'No-one's coming.' My vision was becoming fainter and fainter as terror paralysed my senses.

_I felt a searing pain and then everything went black. _

'_Christian...' I choked frantically. 'Christian..._

I woke to find myself bathed in perspiration and Christian rocking me gently.

'You were screaming...' He looked like it physically hurt him to see me in pain. 'You were screaming my name.'

I looked around me, disorientated. Everything was ok. I was in bed with Christian in his- our- flat.

'It felt so _real.' _I weakly collapsed against Christian, emotionally spent.

'I'm here Sy. I'm here. Nothing's gonna hurt you. I promise.'

I''.IhaveChristianit'sokay.

I breathed deeply, shaking against Christian.

'He emailed me, you know. I didn't initiate contact.'

_I sighed, frustrated. My web search for 'gay in love with man what to do' had yielded no results with viable options. It only gave me pages and pages of anecdotes where for most; the option had been to follow their hearts. Unfortunately, that option, though lovely in theory, didn't appear to be an option for me considering the person I loved had said he never wanted to see me again. I added 'gay Muslim' to the end of the search. _

_I saw a support group on the top of the page and was about to click on it when I saw a page that said 'I have helped gay Muslims...'_

_Intrigued, I clicked on the link. The heading of the page was 'Testimonials'. _

_A picture of a friendly looking, dark haired man came up._

_I am Allen Carmichael. I specialise in curing men with SSA (same sex attraction- click here to find out more) and helping them lead happy, normal lives._

_The word 'normal' made my heart leap. I continued reading._

_I am 100% successful and have helped everyone from Army sergeants to gay Muslims and everyone in between. No case is too big or small._

_A little box popped up. 'Hi, I'm Allen. Can I help you?'_

_I typed, 'Hi Allen. I'm Syed. I saw on your webpage you have helped gay Muslims? Would it be possible for you to help me?'_

_That's how my sessions with Allen had begun. I had failed to notice them growing progressively darker and more sinister..._

'_Right Syed.' He sat down next to me on the park bench. Lots of children and their parents were playing in the sandpit and socialising respectively. 'Do you see that boy?'_

_He pointed to a fair headed boy who was about three, playing excitedly in the sand. I nodded, confused. What did a little kid have to do with anything?_

'_I want you to imagine seeing that boy naked...'_

'_WHAT?' I stood up, disgusted. 'What is WRONG with you?' I felt bile rise in my throat. I began walking, feeling sick to my stomach._

'_Sit down, Syed.' His voice was commanding. I carried on walking. He jogged up to me, a self sastified smile on his face. 'The fact you feel sick about what I just said shows me you can recover from your SSA.' _

_I stared at him, bewildered. 'SSA is like an attraction to children. It is innately wrong, but you can train your mind to find SSA as repulsive as you do paedophilia.'_

'_Sorry... I don't follow.' Was he trying to say being gay was akin to being a paedophile?_

'_Look. Syed. I like you so I'm gonna be honest with you. Your feelings of lust for the person afflicted with SSA occur because you do not separate the SSA from the person. If you start viewing the SSA side of his personality, and yours, as a character flaw akin to a character flaw that causes attraction to children you'll soon be cured of your SSA.' It made an odd sort of...sense. I already felt a pool of revulsion in my stomach at myself and Christian if what we had done was the same... My heart leapt. If I felt revulsion then it was working!_

'He said _what_?' Christian was smarting.

I placed my head in my hands. 'I can't believe I believed that even for a second. I'm such an idiot-'

'You're _my _idiot. When did you realise...'

'Honestly? The second I left that awful first session. I knew what he was saying was complete crap but I kept going... kept hoping things would work out. And when he came on to me tonight, I knew the biggest lie he was telling was the lie he was telling himself. When you came and picked me up... how can we be wrong when we love each other so much?'

'We're not wrong. We... we belong together.' Christian's eyes shimmered. I smiled at him sadly.

'How could it have taken me so long to realise?'

'I don't know.'

'So, what happens now?' I asked.

'We can just hold each other...' He sounded vulnerable. I suspected he needed the physical contact as much as I did.

I turned my head and kissed him softly on the lips.

'What was that for?'

'You, my darling Christian,' I punctuated each word with a kiss. ', are the sweetest, kindest, most amazing person. And I love you.'

He nuzzled my hair. 'You're not so bad yourself.'

'Come on.'

'What?' Christian looked confused.

'We're going out for breakfast. My treat.'

His face lit up. 'You mean like a date?'

I laughed at how much of a teenage boy he sounded. 'Yes. A date. I happen to know a very good local cafe...'

'Chez Beale?'

I kissed him then wrinkled my nose. 'But first... we shower.'

'Is this a shower or a _shower_?'

'Sy... we will be ok won't we?'

'We always are.' I slapped him playfully as I dragged him to the bathroom. 'Now come on. The shower hose will be missing us.'

'You are _filthy_!'

That was the last thing I heard before I covered his lips with mine.


	4. Chapter 4

'Christian-' I laughed seeing Christian's pout upon being batted away when he tried to kiss me, just before entering the cafe.

The door opened and I saw my mother, straightfaced and stern, sitting at the table facing the door.

I turned around. 'Actually I don't feel hungry any-'

'Syed.' Both my mother and Christian had spoken. I inwardly smiled at how similar they were.

Christian led me to a corner table, ignoring my mother shooting daggers at him.

'It's ok, Sy.' He whispered. He shoved the menu at me and took one for himself.

'Syed!' My mother shouted from her table, a good few feet away. 'What are you doing with that man?'

I closed my eyes in frustration, trying to think of food. _The egg butty sounded good..._

Christian squeezed my knee under the table. I caught his eye and smiled.

She marched to our table, looking like a woman scorned. Which she essentially was.

'I thought you were trying to rebuild our family. Clearly, not hard enough.' She gave Christian a scathing glance that could have withered a man less used to her barbs.

'Where were you last night Syed?' I didn't even bother to give that question a response; I merely looked at Christian pointedly.

'Sy stayed with me. Problem?' Christian asked, placing a hand on my arm possessively.

My mother whitened. 'Syed? Is that true? I thought you were seeing that therapist.'

Christian's eyes narrowed. I could tell that without even looking at him, our bodies and minds were so connected.

'It didn't quite work out.' I mumbled.

'So you're just going to _give up_? After all the pain you've put your father and I through? What about me? I can't have a homosexual son. Try harder.'

'No.'

'Excuse me, Syed? You can't talk to me like that, I'm your mother.'

'In name, perhaps. You've never _really _been a mother to me.' In that moment I realised. I could not go on living for a mother who would always raise the bar higher, love me only if I met a standard- I realised now- that was impossible to reach.

'Who was in labour for 24 hours? Who bathed you? Fed you? Clothed you-'

'Mum. I love you and I always will.'

Christian sighed, no doubt pre-empting what I was going to say.

I took Christian's hand. He looked at me with wonder in his eyes.

'But, I love Christian too. He is...' I swallowed, embarrassed, not at my love for Christian but my clumsy verbalisation of it. 'If the way I feel about him hasn't changed through prayer, through marriage, through therapy... nothing will change it. Allah must have made me this way. And if he made me this way...' I stopped to collect my thoughts. 'then he made Christian for me.'

Christian and I shared a long lingering look.

'I'm going to call Allen. He clearly hasn't done a very good job.'

'Mum- it's impossible. Plus, I don't want it. Not anymore.' I smiled at Christian, my saviour, my superman.

'You know...' I continued, dryly. 'I've finally realised why I have such a problem with therapists. They have 'rapists' in their job title.'

My mother gaped, putting a hand to her mouth.

'He didn't...' my voice shook, 'but he could have. Did you ever stop to consider that while you were my biggest cheerleader to work with him? Of course you didn't.' I answered my own question, getting increasingly worked up. 'Because you were too busy worrying about what _Bushra_ would think. Mum, I love you, but I can't- I _won't _– live for you. Not anymore. You can disown me, cut me out of the family photo and it will be sad. Tragic, even. But I'm not going to lose my best friend, my lover, my... _boyfriend_.'

Boyfriend sounded like a question. In a way it was. The words _I'm not your boyfriend _flashed through my head.

My heart raced as I slowly lifted my eyes to look at Christian. His eyes were brimming with tears.

He took my hand and stroked it with his thumb. My mother tensed but I didn't care. The rest of the world disappeared when I was with Christian.

My mother was flabbergasted and feigned anger though in reality I knew she was too stunned to feel anything. 'Well... don't blame me when you go to hell.' She stomped out.

'You ok Sy?' Christian looked at me with concern.

I forced a smile. 'Yeah.'

'Don't give me that Syed. ' He used my full name, a sign he saw through my lies.

My smile collapsed and my shoulders hunched. 'I'm not ok.' I said quietly. To my annoyance, my mouth wobbled and a sob escaped. Christian pulled me into an embrace as I sobbed.

'Shh.' He rubbed my back soothingly.

I made a sound that was a cross between a moan of pain and a whimper, not caring where I was. I pressed my face further into Christian's shoulder, mortified at my, all too public, display of pain.

'It... hurts. So much...'

Christian did not attempt to placate me with empty words of sympathy and false understanding. He could never understand the situation I was in, we both knew that. In that moment, with his hands tracing circles on my back, his strong, protective form holding me and the utter lack of pretence between us, I had never loved him more.

After what felt like hours, though in reality, it could not have been more than a few minutes, I raised my head and looked at Christian. His emerald eyes, shining pure and true, held no judgment, no pity. I searched in his eyes for any sense of derision and saw nothing but love and devotion. My breath caught in my throat, so in awe was I at his love, his failure to give up on me, no matter how hard I tried to push him away.

His finger traced my red rimmed eyes. 'What are you thinking Christian?' I asked. His face was usually so open but now it was clouded with an indefinable look. His eyes suddenly seemed to flash grey. That was one thing I loved about Christian; how expressive his eyes were. How they changed from the emerald green I loved best, to grey when he was thoughtful, to almost hazel when he was angry and then there was the beautiful fleck of aquamarine blue in his right eye that flashed when he laughed...

'I'm thinking how much I want to protect you. And how wrong that is.'

'It's wrong?' I asked, looking at him worriedly.

'Sy.' He sighed. 'It's wrong because I _can't _protect you. It's wrong because I shouldn't want to murder your mother, murder that filthy, conniving bastard with the ferocity I do. It's wrong because as much as I wish we could live in our own perfect bubble...' He smiled sadly. ', we can't. Maybe... maybe the world doesn't want us to be together. Maybe... we can't be.'

I felt tears spring, unbidden from my eyes. I grabbed Christian's hands, holding them between my own, savouring the connection. 'Don't say that.' I commanded. 'Don't you _dare_.' I was aware I was being absolutely pathetic. The former Syed, pre-Christian, would have resented the tears running openly down my face, the lump in my throat making my voice hoarse. The present Syed didn't really care. He pulled his hands from mine. Did my face look like his? He looked like a man utterly heartbroken. 'Sy... this isn't right. It is, but it isn't.'

'You're not making any sense...'

He shook his head, as if shaking the thoughts out of his mind. 'This. Us. It's happened too quickly.'

'What? Christian! We've been together for over a year-'

'No. Not us then. Us _now. _After _him_. You haven't had the chance to process this properly. It went wrong, so you ran to me. You didn't get the chance to choose me, not properly. If I let us... happen. Sy, you know, I want this. I want _us._ I want there to be an us. More than anything. But this isn't right... you'd feel you'd never made a choice. You'd resent me.' I began to interrupt him but he held up a hand. '-Sy. You would.' He pulled his chair back slightly, the noise cutting through the silence that formed a blanket around his words, stopping me from making sense of them. 'So I have to make the choice for you.' He kissed me on the lips, a soft, bittersweet kiss, that ended almost as soon as it began. I touched my lips, in dazed disbelief. 'I love you Syed. Never, ever forget that. I'll be here when you're ready.'

'But... Christian-' I closed my eyes, hoping, wishing, praying, this was all an awful nightmare.

By the time I had opened them, he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Guys... I'm offended! Did you really think I'd break my favourite ship up for more than a millisecond?

Enjoy.

Once again, I do not own Syed, Christian or CAG. Yadda, yadda, yadda... If I did believe me, there would be a lot more affection. Dedicated to the lovelies at WFCTGIO.

DD xx

I didn't remember how I got home. I didn't remember how I'd ended up a sobbing mess on the floor. All I remembered was _I have to make the choice for you. _Suddenly, I felt a huge burst of anger at Christian. How dare he make that choice for me? It was my choice to make! 'Fuck you!' I screamed. I rarely cursed and the ugly words rested in the air atop the stench of newly opened vodka and salty tears. I sobbed, crawling piteously to the vodka bottle on my table. 'Fuck yo-' I took a swig from the bottle, coughing as the strong taste and the thought that drinking was innately wrong overtook me. I numbed the thought with another gulp. The phone rang. Shaking, in foetal position, I ignored it. Whoever it was could call back. The phone stopped ringing. I sighed in relief. As if on cue, my mobile, that was conveniently in my pocket, rang. I accepted the call without looking at the caller display. 'What?' I barked.

'Mr. Masood?'

'Yes?'

'This is Walford Police Station. The man we have in our custody, one Allan Cunningham, denies all counts of attempted rape. I'm afraid the case is going to have to go to court. You'll be required to-'

I hung up.

Christian, don't know how to say this so I'm texting it to u. Going back to Leeds to stay with a friend for a while. Don't worry, I'll be fine... not that u care. Allen denied everything. Case is going to court. Need some time away from everything. Leaving tonight at 8. S x

I pressed send and placed my head in my hands. Why did everything have to be so complicated?

My phone played 'Dancing Queen'. That was my ring tone for Christian. We had a running joke about that song ever since Christian admitted to me he had seen Mamma Mia 5 times. I smiled for a second then grabbed the phone. The message read:

Sy, I'm coming over. C x

On cue, I heard my front door open. Christian still had the key from when he'd decorated my flat. I refused to look up as Christian entered the room. 'What do you want?' I asked, still pointedly refusing to look at him. 'You texted me. What did you expect me to do?'

'Ignore it? You made it perfectly clear you don't want us to be together, so why don't you stop caring?'

'I can't.' Christian walked up to me. 'Syed, look at me.'

'No.' I said, petulantly.

He placed his hands on my chin and pulled my face up. 'Syed. I _do _want us to be together. You know that. It's just... I'm not sure now is the right time...'

'Fuck off Christian!' I stood up, pointing at him. His face was stunned, I would have laughed if it hadn't been such a sad situation. 'Who the hell are you to make that decision for me, eh? I _need _you with me! I can't... I can't do this on my own!' My anger faded as once again, sobs overtook me. Christian stood motionless for a second and then wordlessly pulled me into an embrace.

'Haven't we been here before?' He joked. I snorted, laughing through my tears. He always knew how to make me laugh, even when-like now- I was trying my hardest to be angry at him. 'Shut up.' I mumbled. 'I'm trying to be angry at you.'

'You're not trying very hard.' He smiled and ran his hands through my hair in the way he knew made me melt. 'I'm sorry Sy. I'm just so confused and I can't believe that bastard... I thought it would be better if we had some time apart. Clearly...' He gestured to the vodka bottle. 'I was wrong. Sy, you're a mess. A beautiful mess but still... a mess. I love you so much. It's hard to think rationally. Are you sure you don't need time?'

I grabbed him and kissed him, our tongues fighting for dominance. After what seemed like hours, we pulled away gasping for breath. 'You talk too much.' I growled. I took his hand and led him to the settee, sitting heavily beside him. He played with my fingers, unconsciously. 'What now?' I asked.

'I don't know.' It was a shock coming from him, he usually had all the answers. Or at least he did in my mind.

'Stay with me?' I asked, looking into his beautiful eyes and feeling strangely vulnerable.

He pulled me closer to him. I placed my head on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around me, scooped me up so I was lying next to him, then swung his legs up onto the settee. I weakly protested- he still had his shoes on- but he kissed me softly and all protest died away. 'I'm not going anywhere Sy.'

'Promise?' I needed to be reassured.

'Promise.'

My eyes began to flutter shut as sleep held me in its grasp.

'I love you...' I whispered before, for the second time in months, I fell asleep instantly, calmed by the rise and fall of my lover's chest.


	6. Chapter 6

Hope this chapter's pacing isn't too off. There's a lot in it. Hope you enjoy. Please review, they make me very happy! Once again, I don't own Christian, Syed, Allen, Zainab or any other characters, they're owned by the BBC.

* * *

It was rare for me. I woke up with a light heart and no worries but a stiff neck from the settee.

'Morning sleepyhead.' Christian bounced in, clutching a cup of coffee which he passed to me.

I took it, taking a sip. 'I could get used to this.'

'You just might have to.' Christian grinned and his entire face lit up. 'Get your lazy delectable arse out of bed.'

'Oi!' I nudged him in the ribs.

'It was a compliment. Sy, we're going shopping.'

I blinked. 'When did our life turn into _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_?'

'Such wit at 10 in the morning! We are going shopping, because if this me staying at yours instead of you staying at mine thing is gonna be a regular occurrence, well we're going to need to redecorate.' He cast the floral wallpaper a disapproving glance.

'Or... wecouldjustmoveintogether.' Where did that come from? Christian looked at me.

'Sy... that's a big step. Are you sure?'

I brushed a lock of hair covering my eye away. 'Well... it makes sense. I was practically living at yours anyway.' _In between buttering Amira up and running off home _was the unspoken subtext.

'Your place or mine?' We both grinned at the multiple ways that question could be construed.

'Yours.' I said. 'It's bigger. And less...'

'Feminine?' Christian smiled.

I nodded as my heart swelled with happiness.

'I'll be back soon. Better go get the flat tidy.'

I smiled, knowing Christian, it was spotless. 'Will you be ok?'

'I'm a big boy.'

'You certainly are.' Christian's raised eyebrow and cheeky grin told me he was not referring to my age. He bounded out of the room. I cleared my throat. He walked straight back in, grabbed my waist and kissed me jubilantly. 'I'll be back before you have time to miss me.' He left and I heard him whistling 'Dancing Queen' as the front door closed.

I sat down on the settee, a huge smile painted on my face. Maybe things would be ok. I thought of the impending court case and my smile faded. I worried my bottom lip, suddenly anxious for Christian to come back. Pathetic, really. 2 seconds had passed and I already missed him. I prayed to Allah that he wouldn't be long.

* * *

Christian's POV

I practically skipped down the street. I bumped into something solid and person shaped. 'Oh sorry...' I said. I looked up and froze. I hadn't seen him before but he fit the detailed descriptions I had heard from Syed.

Allen.

He straightened up to leave but I placed an arm out to stop him.

'Allen?' I asked. He nodded curtly. 'What do you want?'

I laughed bitterly. 'You don't know who I am, do you?'

He paled, eyeing me up, my frame a good sight larger than his. 'I'm afraid I have somewhere to be...'

I glanced around and pulled him into a nearby alleyway- oddly enough, one of the alleyways Syed and I had had our secret rendezvous.

'Who are you?' He squirmed in my iron grip.

'Christian.' I searched his eyes for a hint of recognition. He tensed.

'I have a problem with you... Allen.' I spat his name with all the contempt I could muster. 'You want to know why I have a problem with you?' I shoved him against the brick wall, taking sadistic pleasure in his moan of pain. 'I have a problem with you because _you tried to assault my boyfriend. _You _dick_! And not only that... you denied it. And now you're putting him under the additional stress- _stress he does not need - _of a court case because you're too much of a wimp to ADMIT THE TRUTH! How many people have you done this to? Eh? How many people have been too scared to come forward? Scared of a fucked up closeted nutjob. You are going to tell the truth.'

'Or what?' Allen squeaked out, sounding like a defiant mouse.

'Or what? Listen you little shit, you are going to tell the truth. If you don't... well, let's just say, there are worse people than me around. Understand?'

He nodded. 'Good.' I snarled. 'NOW PISS OFF.' I kneed him in the groin as hard as I could, then left him a crumpled heap on the ground. I walked towards Syed's flat, my intention of cleaning my flat long forgotten. I shivered inwardly. I was not a violent person. It scared me to see how violent I could be, how brutal when somebody I loved was threatened.

I arrived at Syed's front door and pulled the key out of my pocket. I turned the lock and walked in. Syed rushed out at the sound of the door, attempting to hide his relief at seeing me and failing miserably. 'Christian... are you ok? You look shaken.'

I forced a smile. 'I'm fine Sy. Just worried about you.'

Syed looked crestfallen, upset, no doubt that _he _should be a cause for concern. Of course in his mind, he wasn't worth being in anyone's thoughts at all. 'Don't worry about me.' Typical Syed. Always putting other people before himself.

I pulled him into a bone crushing hug, something that seemed to be occurring all too often. 'How can I not worry about you when I love you?' Syed looked like I'd given him the world.

'I love you Christian.' He said those words so seldomly it was a shock to hear them. Of course I knew he loved me really, it was just hard, in between fights and Syed pushing me away, to remember it sometimes. I wondered if I should tell him about my dalliance with Allen...

'Syed I-'

He turned to look at me, his brown eyes shining. 'Yeah?'

I sighed. I couldn't do it to him, it would only worry him. 'I love you too.'

His smile almost assuaged the guilt. _Almost_.

'Well?'

'Well what?' I smirked, knowing what he was going to say before he said it. _Don't say it_.

'What are we going to do now?' _He said it_. He always asked what we were going to do when we had nothing in particular planned, I said I didn't know, he said he could think of something and we'd spend the next two hours in the bedroom annoying half the people on the square. I really couldn't say when our unofficial 'coupledom' had become so predictable and why, with Syed, it excited me rather than bored me. Maybe because we'd had more than our fair share of dramas, maybe because I still, after over a year of seeing each other, couldn't believe my luck.

So, I surprised myself when I asked, 'What are we Syed?'

He crinkled his face in the confused way I found adorably endearing. 'What do you mean?'

'Are we, you know, friends with benefits? Fuck buddies? Or are we together. Together together.'

'Like a couple?' Syed said, a half smile on his face.

I looked at him, too nervous to breathe.

'Well... let me think.' Syed moved closer to me. 'We aren't friends with benefits. That ship sailed long ago. We're not fuck buddies- I loathe that term by the way- because well... that's not _all _we do. And that leaves being together together. Now, considering I am moving into your flat- and I don't do that with just _anyone _ and...'

'Yeah, yeah I get it.' I grinned. 'We're a couple.'

'Officially.' Syed grinned back.

'And as an official couple, I get to choose what gets to stay in your wardrobe.'

'Haven't we got more important things to worry about?' Syed snapped. I was not offended, he got snappy when he was worried and he was definitely worried about Allen and the court case.

'Sorry.'

'It's ok.' I kissed Syed softly on his forehead.

Moving to his wardrobe, I picked out some clothes.

'Christian!'

'What?' I asked, innocently.

'You're not throwing away my blue checked shirt! Or _any _of my checked shirts.'

I grabbed some t-shirts from his drawers.

'Christian- no!' He swiped at the t-shirts I held above my head.

'Not my green t-shirt! I love that! What are you doing? You have my purple one too!'

I grinned at him wickedly. 'I'm not getting _rid _of them, silly. Those are the only clothes you're allowed to keep. Oh and these.' I grab his towel and his skin-tight jeans, visions of him wrapped in the towel pervading my mind.

'Christian, you _perve_!' He nudged me and fell about laughing. 'So, I'm supposed to walk around Walford in only a t-shirt or a shirt and no trousers or underwear? I'd be arrested for indecent exposure!'

'No... you're only allowed to wear those _in the flat_. You look way too sexy in those and I don't want anyone to see you in those clothes apart from me.'

'Should I be worried my boyfriend is a controlling nutjob?'

I smiled. 'Come on...' I danced out of the room, towards the front door, possibly looking like a lunatic holding a ridiculous amount of clothes. He picked up his beside lamp and his bag of books, which he had already packed and followed me. I opened the front door.

'I'll race you there!' I ran out onto the pavement, Syed hot on my heels and bumped into...

'Zainab?' I said, in disbelief. She looked at me in her disapproving way that made me feel like I was filth stuck to her shoe. I surveyed her coolly.

'Mum?' Syed looked from me to her in shock.

She ignored him and stared at me with her laser eyes. 'Where are you taking my papoo's clothes?'

That was rich coming from the woman who burned his clothes.

I ignored her. 'Come on Sy.'

She held out a hand to stop me. Rabid pitbulls had nothing on Zainab Masood.

'I'm moving in with Christian, Mum.'

She looked to Syed in utter shock. 'What?'

'He's moving in with me.'

'Shut up, you! I was talking to _my _son. Syed, you'll do no such thing-'

'I'll think you'll find _your _son can make up his own mind...'

'What have you _done _to him! You've poisoned his mind. He was perfectly happy with Amira before you swooped in...'

'Oh really? That's why he tried to call off the wedding?'

'Stop it, the both of you.' Syed glared at me, then turned his glare on his mother.

'Whether you like it or not, Mum, I am an adult and like Christian said, I make my own decisions. I am moving in with him. That's that. I assume you came here for a reason? If that's all, then I'd quite like to go. I've got some moving to do.'

Zainab visibly deflated and for a moment I _almost _felt sorry for her. 'I came to tell you, I saw that nice Allen running across the square looking like he'd seen a ghost. He was muttering something about a really big guy threatening him. Do you know anything about that?' She looked straight at me. _Shit_.

'No.' Syed looked adorably belligerent. 'Anyway it's none of our concern what he does or says. I'm not working with him anymore.'

'Are you sure? Because he mentioned someone called Christian when I asked him what was wrong.' _Shit! _Syed didn't miss a beat. 'Christian was trying to protect me. That's what people who care about you do. Not that you'd know anything about that. Come on, Christian.' He took my hand and tossed his mother a filthy look Zainab would have been proud of if it hadn't been directed at her.

We walked towards my..._our _flat. I looked at Syed. 'What?' he asked.

'How-'

'Did I know? Well, firstly, you're the only 'really big guy' on the square.'

'What about Phil Mitchell?'

Syed rolled his eyes and continued. 'You're the only one with a vested interest. I should be angry but I'm not. I know you were only thinking of me. Just one question.'

'Ask away.'

'What did you _do _to him to make him whimper?'

'Oh. Just kneed him in the groin and told him a few home truths.'

Syed whistled. 'That's very un-you.'

'Don't tell him that! I'm a pussycat, really.' I grinned. 'Sy, why are you so ok about this?'

'Because...I love you.' He wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me lovingly, in full view of the square. I smiled against his lips, this was new. Syed was not one for PDAs.

I pulled away, unable to hide the soppy grin that was rapidly spreading on my face.

'Hark at you two love birds!' Roxy all but ran to us from the Vic. Syed shifted uncomfortably, he was still wary of Roxy. 'Um babe.' I gestured to Syed. 'Private moment.'

'Come on now, it's hardly private with you two snogging in the middle of the square.' I shrugged, she had a point.

'Ooh!' Roxy pointed at the clothes I was still holding. 'What's this then? You and loverboy moving in together?'

'Rox, I think you'll find that it's none of your business.'

'Get you!' She smiles at Syed. 'This must be it for him, he's never been so shy before! You'd best look after him!'

Syed looked uncomfortable. For all his fake confidence, he was terribly shy and insecure. He had no idea how to act in front of Roxy. I gazed at him, asking him with my eyes if he wanted me to step in. He smiled nervously at Roxy, an uneasy truce forming between them. 'I will.' He said simply.

She patted him awkwardly on his shoulder, winked at me and said, 'I'll leave you two alone.' I raised a warning finger at her. 'Ah, don't worry babe. I won't tell a soul about you and Syed moving in together.' She flounced off, seeing Ronnie in the distance. I sighed.

Syed looked in the direction Roxy had gone, clearly bemused. 'She's a...character.'

'That's one word for her.' I said, fondly.

We walked towards our flat, shoulders touching.

I suddenly laughed. Syed looked at me like I'd grown another head.

'What?' I said, defensively.

'You're laughing at nothing in particular. Christian, that's just _weird._'

'Oi!' I laughed more, almost giddy from happiness. 'I'm laughing because I'm _happy_!'

'What do you have to be happy about?' Syed raised his eyebrow, teasingly. I loved it when he was like this, no anger, no defensiveness. It was just us, being.

'I don't know...' I opened the door to the flat and pulled Syed in, dropping his clothes on the floor in the process. The door slammed shut behind us.

'I've just got a gorgeous boyfriend.' I pushed him against the door. 'Who I love.' I moved closer to him, delighting as his breath became ragged. 'Who is moving in with me.' I closed the gap between us and kissed him, a greedy open mouthed kiss. He responded almost immediately, his hands in my hair pulled me closer as his tongue duelled with mine. I pulled away, inwardly laughing at his groan of frustration. 'What's not to be happy about?'

Syed's phone rang. I kissed the nape of his neck. He squirmed. 'I'd better answer it.' He said, reluctantly extricating himself from me. I pouted.

'Hello?' I played with his fingers, tickling the inside of his palm. He held up a hand, telling me to stop as he held back giggles. 'Uh-huh.'

'Christian!' he mouthed. I put his index finger in my mouth, tracing it with my tongue.

'Mmm.' He paused and cleared his throat. I bit back a laugh. 'Yes. I understand. That's great, thank you. Bye.' He closed his phone.

'That was the police. They said Allen's pleaded guilty to the charges! There's not gonna be a court case. The officer said it's likely he'll be charged and end up in prison for about 5 years. There were other allegations that he escaped, so now he's pleaded guilty to mine, he's gonna go down for the others!'

'Sy, that's great!'

'It's all thanks to you, really.'

'Don't be silly. If you hadn't called the police and made the statement he'd be free.'

'But if you hadn't...' He shook his head, looking like an adorable puppy. 'We both did it. There.' He smiled. 'We make a good team.'

'Yeah.' I beamed back. 'We do.'

'I guess we have that to be happy about. We're still together.'

'And we haven't killed each other by now.'

'Yeah... that's always a good thing.'

'I'm going to have to love you and leave you, Christian.'

'What? Where are you going?' I surprised myself with my feeling of slight panic.

'It's our first night together! I mean... officially. Put your feet up, I'm going to make dinner.' He flashed me a smile that promised a lot more than dinner. I turned the TV on. Syed Masood was always full of surprises. I wondered what we had in store living together. I supposed, listening to Syed's off-key singing in the kitchen, we would soon find out.


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for the long wait. I wonder if anyone's still reading this! Anyway, please R+R, they make me happy! xx

Might update tomorrow, have most of it written out.

**Syed's POV**

* * *

'Wow Syed. You are quite the cook.' Christian smacked his lips enthusiastically as he finished the remnants of his chicken curry. I smiled, putting my knife and fork down. 'Thanks.'

'I might just have to keep you.'

'That's good to know, 'cause I wasn't planning on going anywhere.' I loved how Christian made me feel instantly less anxious, more able to flirt and banter. I wasn't like this with anyone else. I supposed I _couldn't _be like this with anyone else.

'Want to play a game?'

I gave Christian a grin. 'Maybe.'

He playfully shoved me from across the table. 'Get your mind out the gutter! Ok, here are the rules. I ask you a question I've been dying to know the answer to and you answer it truthfully and vice versa until we get tired.'

'Seriously?' I looked at him in disbelief. 'That sounds like the most boring game ev-'

'Sy? What's your middle name?'

'Ahmed. That's my dad's surname' I replied instantly. Christian looked confused.

'I always assumed your dad was called Masood Masood but I didn't want to ask...'

'Nope... it's a long story.'

'Your turn!'

'Um...' I thought for a second. 'What did you think when you first met me?'

'Honestly?'

'Honestly.'

'Ok... I have to admit at first I thought you were a bit of a pillock. A _good looking _pillock but a pillock nonetheless.'

'Can you please stop saying pillock?' I blinked. 'You thought I was good looking?' A smile crept onto my face.

He shrugged impatiently. 'Course I did. But I also thought you were straight. And taken. Then I saw glimpses ... those moments when you weren't so sure of yourself and I started to like you, as a friend. Then we grew closer... actually the week before you'd kissed me I'd started to wonder about you. It was little things like giving coffee to me instead of Amira, standing closer to me than a straight guy ordinarily would to another guy. Then there was that thing with Lee... you'd seemed a little _too_ interested in my love life. I'd dismissed it as my imagination. But then you looked into my eyes in the unit, after Bushra's party. I saw your anger, your confusion and something I couldn't quite place... lust. I guess what I'm trying to say is you were an enigma, Syed. In many ways, you still are. The thing that struck me the most was, you were an enigma I actually cared enough about to figure out.'

I didn't know what to say to that. I managed an 'Oh.'

'Don't sound so disappointed! You were worth the hassle, believe me.' He stroked my face affectionately. I shivered. He smirked. 'Cold?'

I glared at him.

'I have a question for you, Sy. When...' He looked me in the eyes, in the penetrating way he had, that made you feel exposed, like your soul was naked in front of him. 'When did you first realise you were gay?'

My heart beat faster. 'I'm gonna get a drink. D'you want one?' I stood up.

'Sit down Syed!' I could hear a laugh in his voice.

I sighed. 'Fine. You win. I was thirteen...'

_Mum had let me have a sleepover for the first time, 'cause it was my birthday..._

'_You boys be good.'_

_6 year old Tamwar walked over. 'Can I stay too?'_

'_No!' I said. 'Mu-um. Tell Tamwar to go away.'_

_Tamwar's lip wobbled as my mother took his hand and led him away._

I'd invited 3 of my best friends, Hassan, Ali and Peter. It had taken a lot of persuasion on my part to get my mother to agree to having Peter sleep over. She only wanted 'good Muslim boys' and Peter wasn't really good (though he acted angelic around adults) or Muslim. Peter had this reckless charm that I admired because he was the complete opposite of me. When my mum closed the bedroom door we all instantly began giggling and playfighting.

Hassan and Ali fell asleep pretty much instantly. 'They're no fun.' I pouted.

'What do you wanna do?' Peter asked.

'I dunno...' I sighed. 'We could play Truth or Dare?'

Peter's face brightened. In our friendship group, it was risqué to play any sort of game where 'things' could happen. I was officially a teenager now so...

'Should we wake up the other two?'

'Nah.' Peter said, 'They'd probably tell on us.'

'Ok. You start birthday boy.'

'Truth or Dare?'

Peter thought for a minute. If he said dare I could dare him to do anything but if he said truth, he'd look like he was scared of the dare.

'Dare.'

I grinned. 'I dare you to draw on Hassan.'

'That's rubbish!'

'You think of a better one then!'

'I have a question for you. Have you ever kissed a girl?'

I blushed. 'Um... yeah! Loads of times!'

'Who?' He challenged.

'Amita.' I said, thinking of the first name that came into my head.

'Amita? No way! She'd _never _kiss _you_!'

'She did!'

'Did not!'

'Did!'

'Did not!'

'Prove it!'

'How?'

He thought for a minute. 'Kiss the pillow the way you kissed her.'

He grabbed a pillow and held it above his head.

'Give it to me then.'

'No!'

'Peter-' I tugged the pillow, Peter held on tightly and I went flying right on top of him. I tried to get up, embarrassed.

'Actually... I have a better idea.' He smiled devilishly. 'Kiss me.'

'What?'

'Go on. I dare you.'

I hesitated. The Koran said it was wrong but I couldn't be seen backing down from a dare.

'Ok...' I said nervously. Peter sat up, I sat next to him, suddenly painfully awkward.

I leaned in. He leaned in too far. Our noses bumped. 'Sorry.' I giggled, trying to pretend I was more experienced than I was, clearly wasn't working too well.

We tried again. Tentatively, I pressed my lips against his. They were soft, not hard like I thought they would be... I backed away.

'That doesn't count.'

I made a rude gesture at him and again, pressed my lips against his. I was going cross-eyed trying to focus on his face so I closed my eyes. He did the same. I was getting short of breath and I gasped. I opened my mouth, surprised when the movement opened his mouth too. Contrary to what I told Peter, it was my first kiss. I gasped when I felt Peter's tongue snake into my mouth, he tasted of the Doritos we'd eaten earlier, Doritos aside, I sort of liked it. I was shocked when I found myself, hesitantly at first, then more probingly returning the kiss. I closed my eyes tighter, focussing on the way my stomach was lurching pleasantly, the way my knees felt like jelly, the way I was stirring inside... the delicious waves of forbidden pleasure rocking me to the core. I pulled him closer to me, my hands frantically running through his hair, my tongue exploring the hidden corners of his mouth...

I was mortified when I felt my cock rise, unbidden, to attention.

He pulled away, looking at me strangely. 'That's enough.' He said.

'Sorry.' I said as I pulled my trousers self consciously. 'Do I win?'

He nodded, not meeting my eyes.

'Syed, are you _gay_?' He said the word the same way you'd say _leper_.

'No!' We'd had sex education and I knew what being gay was. Our teacher had said, 'some people like the same sex' and the class had giggled and for a week people had been saying 'You're gay' whenever someone annoyed them.

I couldn't be. But then... why had I got turned on- I blushed at the thought- kissing Peter? Why, I thought back, had I thought about him in the same way he professed to think about Miss Smith 'with the big tits' as he called her? Why had I felt butterflies and a deeper, more private stirring I tried to hide whenever he smiled at me?

I swallowed the knowledge that, I was indeed _gay_, down with other secrets, like the secret that my mum favoured me over Tamwar and Shabnam and the secret that Allah would send me to hell...

His face cleared. 'That's ok then.' He pulled the blanket over him. 'Night Syed.'

'Night.'

We never spoke of that night again.

'I _realised _when I was 13. I _admitted _it when I met you.'

Christian looked at me, his mouth a round 'o' of surprise.

'What?' I said defensively.

'Nothing.'

'What?' I repeated.

He sighed. 'It sounds stupid.'

'Christian, you've never _ever _minced your words. Just say it!'

He looked down, embarrassed. 'I just wish we'd met earlier. Before those one night stands. Before your first kiss. I wish_ I _could've been your first kiss. ' He chuckled humourlessly.

'Told you it was stupid.'

I felt my heart ache with love.

I lifted his face gently. 'You were the first kiss that _meant _anything.'

I remembered the numerous times I'd said that first kiss meant nothing. Christian must have been thinking on similar lines. He bit his lip. 'Really?' He sounded so unsure, so vulnerable. Is that what I had done to him? Turned my gorgeous confident Christian into an insecure wreck? I vowed to spend everyday we had together assuring him of my love. I nibbled on his bottom lip softly. 'Uh-huh.' I mumbled into his mouth.

He pulled away slightly to look into my eyes. 'Do you ever dream, Sy?'

'Dream of what?' The answer was superfluous because I knew exactly what he was asking.

He played along. 'What our lives could be like in the future.'

'When we're old and grey you mean?'

'Speak for yourself! I never plan on going grey. Ever heard of 'Just for Men?'

'Ever heard of growing old gracefully?' I smiled and melted into his arms. 'Yeah, I have. Dreamt, I mean.'

'Tell me?' His voice sounded earnest. It's rare that I ever verbally express how I feel and he knows it. I suppose we both take it for granted that we know what the other is thinking.

'It changes. Sometimes it's you and me and our puppy-'

'What breed?'

'A Labrador.'

'What's he called?'

'_She's _called Trixie.'

'Why a female?'

'Because!' I looked at him like the answer was obvious. 'I'm not sharing you with another man. Even if it's a dog.'

He stared at me with an expression that made it clear he was about to explode with laughter any minute. 'God, Syed. I fucking love you.'

My heart jumped. 'You, me and Trixie.' I changed the subject. We both knew it wasn't because I didn't love him, it's because I _did _and to respond to his 'I love you' would mean he'd never get to hear my dream because we'd be too busy snogging like lovesick teenagers.

'We live by the sea. Somewhere in Brighton. A nice little cottage with a rose garden. Nobody stares at us, nobody judges us. We're the envy of the other couples- gay or otherwise- because we're so damn _happy_. Every morning, we take Trix for a walk and we let her run ahead and bark at squirrels while we walk behind hand in hand, with sand underneath our feet. At night, _every_ night, we go to the garden and watch the sunset. Then we go to bed and we make love, or if you've worn me out- don't look at me like that, I know you- we'll kiss each other goodnight and I will fall asleep with my head on your chest and somehow end up stealing the covers leaving you cold, you'll complain- a _lot _but you won't really care 'cause you'll be so happy we're finally together.'

'That's beautiful.' Christian said softly, eyes shimmering.

I smiled. 'So are you.'

He rolled his eyes at my cheesiness and I took the opportunity to steal a kiss.

He cradled me, his strong, protective arms making me feel safe and loved.

'I wish it could be like this forever.' I stroked his arm.

'Why can't it?' He said.

'I dunno. It just feels like something- my family, my religion, the world- is always against us. I just have this feeling our happiness won't last.'

He looked at me, the twinkle in his eye gone. 'Sy.' He was uncharacteristically serious. 'You know I love you. And you love me. We can get through anything, _everything _if we just keep loving each other.' He smiled. 'So you're _really _going to have to learn to share the duvet and clean up your mess!'

'Are you trying to imply my mess and duvet hogging is a deal breaker?'

'Oh definitely. I refuse to be married to a man who can't clean...'

Christian trailed off. I gazed at him, trying to gauge if what he just said was a joke.

'Christian?' I asked hesitantly.

'I mean you're the messiest person I know-'

'Christian!'

He stopped speaking, looking at me with an unfathomable expression.

'Evasiveness really isn't your thing.'

'Syed, I'm-'

'Don't you _dare _apologise, you idiot!' I muttered fiercely. 'Just so you know... I _will _marry you.'

I smiled teasingly. 'Someday.'

His face lit up, the only way to describe it would be pure joy.

He chuckled heartily. 'Hypothetically speaking... you'd have to marry me someday wouldn't you, otherwise we wouldn't be married at all.'

I grinned. 'Hypothetically speaking, I think my beautiful husband should stop talking and look pretty because said husband is completely destroying his few brain cells not doused in hair gel by attempting to use logical reasoning.'

'Hypothetically speaking, I think my even more beautiful husband should shut up and let me kiss him.'

'Hypothetically-' I was interrupted by Christian's lips crashing down on mine in a tender yet passionate kiss. I pulled away. 'Pig.' I slapped him on the shoulder.

'Oi!' Christian rubbed his shoulder, him pretending and me pretending to believe, my slap could actually hurt him. 'What was that for?'

'I had something really witty to say.' Christian raised an eyebrow at me, questioningly.

'Now I can't remember what it was!'

'Good.' Christian mumbled, trailing kisses on my jawline. 'You talk too much.'


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry for the slow update.

I apologise for any discrepancies in the POV or anything, it's been ages since I wrote this.

* * *

'You sure about this?'

'Do you trust me?'

'I trust you to make this as awkward as possible.'

'Oh Syed, ye have little faith.' Christian smiled. 'Relax. It will be fine, promise.'

'Hmmm.' That was the only appropriate sound to show my dubiousness.

Christian knocked on the door.

'Hello, you must be Christian and Syed?' A woman dressed in a, frankly, dodgy, I could almost hear Christian thinking that – plaid suit beckoned us in.

'I'm Miss Lone. How can I help you?'

Christian answered brightly. 'We've always wanted to be parents-' I darted a _look _at Christian. '-owners. And we heard this was the best place to get an abandoned puppy from...so here we are.'

'A dog's a big commitment.' The woman was stern and business like. 'Are you ready for such a big commitment?'

I looked at Christian, significantly, a smile in my eyes. 'Yes.' I said simply. 'We've been ready for a while.'

It looked like I had said the right thing as Miss Lone broke into a smile.

'What breed would you like?'

'A Labrador.' I interjected.

The woman gave us a 'really' look? 'You do know they're a highly active breed?'

'Yes.' Christian cut in. 'I'm a personal trainer.' He said, proudly. 'So we'll be perfectly equipped to look after a lab. Sy goes for a run every morning and evening so it won't change our routine really.' I coughed in a shoddy attempt to mask my laughter at Christian's blatant lie.

'And you don't have a problem with the boisterousness and possible destruction the puppy will leave behind?' Christian blanched a little, he was ridiculously house-proud.

'No.' I gave the woman my best charming smile.

She blushed. 'Will you and your brother be around full time?'

'Well I don't currently have a job so...- _brother?_' I looked at the woman questioningly.

She flushed even more, looking so similar to a beetroot I was beginning to worry. 'Well I just assumed...'

Christian coughed loudly, then gave up the pretence and fell about in a paroxysm of laughter.

'We look nothing like each other!'

Christian was laughing so hard he was struggling to speak coherently.

'You'd think the different skin tones would be a giveaway, unless you thought Syed was just really _really_ tanned. And darling, no.' He lazily draped an arm around me.

'He's my boyfriend. Partner. Soulmate. Whatever you want to call it. He's not my _brother_! It would be disgusting if I was sleeping with my brother-'

'Christian!' I hissed. 'Shut up.' Christian looked at my, _mortified,_ face doing his best impression of someone who was wounded, and who wasn't enjoying every second of my embarrassment. 'She started it.' He said in a loud, stage whisper.

'Yes but even so-'

The woman hid behind her long brown hair, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but where we were.

'Would you like to see the dogs?' She asked wearily, still conscious of her mistake. She got up and beckoned to us.

'I thought you'd never ask.' Christian grinned, taking my hand.

O-O-O-O

'Christian, look!' I was crouched down by the fence separating them from the numerous puppies. Christian smiled at me, looking much like an eager puppy himself. A tiny chocolate brown Labrador puppy was sniffing at my hand curiously. Christian crouched down next to me. The other puppies whined, wanting the attention of the new curious smells.

'Oh, she's gorgeous isn't she?' The woman came up to us, her discomfort clearly vanishing in the face of our shared mutual passion for the puppy. 'She's 6 months old. She was abandoned outside a warehouse. People can be so cruel. Despite the way her owners treated her, she's a lovely trusting thing. Between you and me,' She lowered her voice as if the puppies could hear her. 'She's one of my favourite puppies. Aren't you Trixie?'

'Trixie?' I exclaimed in obvious surprise.

'Her name's Trixabelle. But I call her Trixie... or Trix for short, because it's too much of a mouthful.'

Christian and I glanced at each other significantly.

'I'll let her out-' She pulled the latch on the fence. 'No, not you Lionel.' She nudged another puppy inside and lifted Trix up and handed her to me. We stared at each other. For a moment, neither of us moved. 'Eww. You silly thing!' I said affectionately as Trix licked my face. I smiled. 'She's beautiful, Miss. Lone. Come meet Christian, Trix.' I passed Trix to Christian who held her gingerly at first, not wanting to stain his shirt, then close as her little nose twitched, drinking him in. I felt a warm, soft, protective feeling flood me as I watched my huge Christian holding the tiny puppy. She really _was _beautiful. I couldn't believe anyone would abandon her.

'Hi Trix.' I melted as Christian's tone took on the nonsense, soothing tone people often adopted with babies and animals. Trix barked softly, as if replying then rested her soft brown head on Christian's shoulder. 'Oi, Trix no drooling!'

Christian and I smiled at each other, both knowing without saying a word, that she was the one.

'How much is she?' Christian asked, as he put her down. Trix excitedly ran to me and sniffed my feet, before running to Christian again. She then lay down on the floor, head on her paws, panting softly, looking up at us both with her tail wagging.

Miss Lone stared at us in wonderment. 'I said she was trusting but I've never seen her take a shine to anyone like she has with you two.' She clasped her hands together, happily. 'You know what? You can have her for free. Just take care of her.'

'We can't just _take _her-' I frowned. 'Please let us give you _something_.'

But Miss Lone wouldn't hear any of it. 'You two will be good for her. I can tell. Now, she's been wormed and deflead but she'll need her second vaccination and she'll need to be splayed and microchipped.' She bent down. 'Bye, Trix honey. They'll take good care of you, I promise.' She kissed Trix, who licked Miss Lone, then pawed at Syed's feet. Miss Lone smiled at us with tears in her eyes. 'I'll give you a call in a few weeks to see how you're all doing.'

'Thank you.' Christian said, sincerely, while I flashed her the smile that Christian dubbed 'the million watt smile' because it made you feel like the most special person in the world.

'Come on Trix.' Christian picked her up.

'Oh wait!' Miss Lone rushed over to us, clutching a lead. 'How could I forget?'

She attached the lead to Trix, who sniffed excitedly. She patted her, laughing as she panted. 'There you're a proper owned dog now!'

Christian took the lead and smiled in thanks at Miss. Lone and took my hand with his free hand.

We left her premises and walked on the main road, the shortcut that would take us to Turpin Road in just under 5 minutes.

'Sy, you remember when we went to buy the mattress?

'Yeah, why?' I asked, confused.

'Well you know how we said we couldn't get any gayer?'

I nodded, wondering where he was going to take this. He gestured to Trix. 'Think we just did.'

I nudged him. 'Oi!'

As we turned into Turpin Road, Trix suddenly broke free of the lead and darted away. I ran after her, laughing. 'Trixie, come back!' Christian smiled as he ran after us. Someone grabbed Trix's collar. 'Thanks.' I said, as I looked up to smile at whoever had caught Trix. Dad.

'Dad. Hi.' I said, cooly.

'Who's this?' He said, ignoring me and fussing with Trix's fur.

'Trix. _Our _puppy.' Trix started growling deeply. 'Shhh, Trix.' She growled louder and moved closer to me with a whimper. Christian caught up with us. I saw him pale as he saw my father, it was unmistakable. 'Hello Masood.' He said quietly. To anyone else his voice would have sounded as it always did but I heard a small tremor in his words. He was scared. My Christian was scared. Why was he scared of my Dad? He was hostile but harmless.

'Sy I'm gonna go home I'll see you later bye Trix.' I swear he said it exactly like that, no breaths in between. It just wasn't like him. Trixie whimpered again, a pitiful noise that made my heart ache. 'Wait, Christian!' I called. 'Take Trix home.' I passed the lead to him. He touched my hand lightly as I passed him the lead and walked off without a word.

'What was that about?' I said quietly to my father.

He shrugged, eyes on Christian and Trix. I was getting more than annoyed at the silent treatment. It had been going on for too long. The words just darted out, in a furious rush.

'You know what Dad? I'm with Christian, I love him, this isn't an infatuation and you can ignore it for as long as you want but I'm not going suddenly _see the light _and marry a good woman. Christian _is_ the light.' Still no response. 'Oh do you know what? I'm going. If you ever want to talk to me you know where I am.' Staring at his impassive face, I twist the knife in. 'Sorry, where _we _are. Where _we _will be for the foreseeable future.'

I walked towards our flat without another glance at him.

I entered our flat to see Christian as I've never seen him before. He shook in front of me, his body trembling so hard he was shaking Trix too. From his arms, she gave a little whine in acknowledgement when she saw me appear. I walked up, panicked now, towards Christian. His widened eyes showed me he didn't even realise I was back. I recited the little I remembered from secondary school first aid. Shock... tap lightly on shoulder, ask quietly if they're ok... keep warm... but this wasn't a generic test subject. This was Christian! All the rules went out of the window.

'Christian.' I yelled as I nudged him on the shoulder. Hard. At first I got no response, then-

'Syed?' Christian peered at me. 'Sorry, I just... I honestly don't know what came over me.' He ran an agitated hand through his hair. 'Right!' He clapped, injecting false energy into his voice. Trixie jumped up, panting excitedly. 'We should be getting you some food Trixie.' Trixie's ears pricked up at the word _food _and I almost laughed at her eagerness. Almost.

I called him before he could run away. I knew better than to fall for his false bravado. 'It's my dad, isn't it?'

He froze halfway out the door. Christian walked towards me and as he looked me in the eyes, I could clearly see he was battling between lying to me and telling me the truth, which, I assumed, only meant both were as bad as each other.

He licked his lips slightly. A nervous habit he picked up from me. He parted his lips, getting ready to reveal whatever it is he was hiding, then thought better of it and closed his lips. The cycle: lick, opened lips, closed lips happened 4 times in a row.

'When Quadim beat me... your dad...' Christian's words sounded tired, heavy as if his tongue was having trouble carrying them. I felt a sinking feeling in my chest, Quadim? What had Quadim got to do with my father? –Unless... oh no... oh _no_...

Christian's next words confirmed the horrible truth.

'Your dad left me for dead.'

The words tripped up over each other in Christian's haste to get them out, but I know exactly what he said. I felt anger, hot seething anger like I'd never felt before built inside me in a way that made my forehead hurt with the force. He bent his head and his whole body tensed as if he was angry with himself. With _himself! _

'I'm sorry Sy-' But it was not his place to apologise, _he_ had been wronged. His hand stretched out as if to touch my shoulder. I shrugged off his invisible hand and rushed out of the door before he had time to react.


End file.

EastEnders