Harry Potter If I Die Young

_Author's Note : What could have happened if Severus' fifth year never happened as in canon? This idea popped up quite insistently when I had my Finals. I just had to write it down, even though I wasn't really finished with studying, 'cause it refused to get out. So if some parts doesn't make sense, put it down to the exams-fever. :) Hope you like it! _

_Random fact : I wrote this while listening to the songs "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri; "Someone Like You" by Adele and also the namesake, "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. I find that the first and second goes as the story progress. Fits with the atmosphere I had intended for this. Hmm. I also changed the lyrics slightly to fit the fic._

**Disclaimer : Dark black hair – checked. Dark brown eyes—checked. Non-Brit accent – checked. Empty bank account—checked. Enough said. I am not her, and I don't own them. **

They were sitting in front of the Great Lake, the summer breeze toying with the soft strands of black and red in the evening. The books lay forgotten under the small shade, scattered in a careless pattern.

Lily sighed, and then smiled as Severus raised a curious eyebrow. "I'm just wondering how it'll be like when we grow up." Severus smirked slightly as she continued. "We'll be seventeen next year, you first, then me. Everything's going by so fast…" She flopped onto her back, her bright red strands trailing across the grass like long tiny runner flowers. "I still feel like I'm nine inside. Like I'm still oblivious to the world out there. There's so much waiting for us right now, and I'm not sure whether I want to know what…" She trailed off, silently running her fingers across the pale arm beside her.

"Why?" Severus shifted his arm so he could lean against the tree where Lily was lying under. "You've got your future figured out already. They'd be morons to even consider rejecting your application. There's nothing for you to be unsure of." The last part was layered with a slight dark undertone.

Lily looked up at Severus' blank face. "You won't be alone, Sev. No matter what you choose." Severus looked down at her, his face still blank, though his eyes betrayed his anguish. "I'll make sure of that."

Severus' expression softened slightly, though his eyes were still troubled. "Thank you."

Lily sighed again. "I don't know why you're so…_skeptic_… about the whole thing. Even Dumbledore said he'll protect you against that bastard." At Severus' silence, Lily flipped onto her stomach, crumpling a couple of notes under her. "You trust Dumbledore, don't you?"

Severus frowned at her, but at Lily's insistence, he nodded slightly. "He's one of the few that I can."

Lily gazed sadly at him. "I'm sorry, Sev."

Severus looked down in surprise. "You have no need to, Lily. Don't ever think that. You owe me nothing."

Lily rolled her eyes, pulling Severus to lie down beside her. "I can't even express … argh…" Lily paused, exasperated, then continued. "I'm not without fault, Sev. No, don't deny that. You've known me since I was nine. You know how nasty I can be."

Severus snorted at that. "Indeed. We make a good pair."

Lily grinned at him. The sun was beginning to set, sending streaks of gold and red across the sky above them. Students were beginning to return to the relative safety of the castle, leaving only the odd couple who wanted to savor what they still can. It was dangerous times, after all. There was no telling when or where You-Know-Who will strike next, and everyone was under equal danger.

Severus knew this, and sometimes, he hoped that he didn't. Hoped that he could just forget about the possible futures that awaited him.

"Have you ever wondered what's it like to die?" Lily quipped after a while, while Severus stared up at the red-streaked skies. "I mean, if it would still be like this," She waved around her, "Blue skies and green grass. People all around you."

"Perhaps," Severus indulged. It wasn't the first time they'd talked about death, nor would it be their last.

"It'd be nice, wouldn't it? Nothing to worry about, just going about like we still are, no more Dark-Lords. Just living." She giggled. "Get it? Living?"

Severus smiled, a rare sight, especially as his seventeenth birthday lurked nearer. "Indeed."

"Sometimes I think about how it'd feel before I die. I mean, if it would be quick, or maybe a long slow process…" She shuddered, the tremors vibrating against Severus' side. Severus turned and looked at her, his left hand coming to rest upon hers.

Lily smiled back in gratitude. This sort of physical contact had almost disappeared too, along with the smiles and little twitches of his lips that defined Severus. Sometimes she wondered if it'll disappear altogether one day, if she'd still be able to see those strange little half-smiles the next day. She shook her head sharply, admonishing herself_. It won't_, she whispered to herself.

"I suppose it'd be like falling to sleep," Severus low voice penetrated the silence. Lily looked at him in surprise. "Even though that sleep might be elusive, or preceded by a long, painful torture."

Lily fell silent. She wanted very much to contradict his last sentiment, but couldn't find any untruth in them. She settled for searching his fingers out, twining those long potion-stained fingers with her own, squeezing slightly.

After a heartbeat, they squeezed back.

They stayed like that a long while, just watching the skies as the last of the birds flew past, the Giant Squid gently splashing the lakewater, creating ripples in the calm water surface.

"Sev?"

"Hmm?"

"What if one of us dies before the other? No, don't," Lily cut Severus off before he could stop her. "It's possible; you know it. He's on the rise, and even Dumbledore can't do a thing about it." Lily paused, looking away. "And you…"

Severus understood. They both did, without any further explanation. Slytherins were expected Death Eaters, Severus more so, considering the Prince line's history with Dark Lords. It was a heavy cloak to wear, and if you did not wear it right, it would trap you within and suffocate you. Severus could feel the weight of his family line bearing down on him already, even though he wasn't quite seventeen of age. He stared at the back of Lily's turned head, feeling the familiar sorrow rising in his throat.

"I can't stop worrying, Sev," Lily whispered suddenly. "I know I should trust Dumbledore, but sometimes there are people—things—that even he can't protect. What if one day you just… disappear?" Her voice cracked slightly on the last word.

That was when Severus did something out of the ordinary. Scooting closer to the girl beside him, he wrapped his arms around the frail body, feeling it melt underneath him. The body shuddered, and Lily was facing him, burying her face deep into Severus' school robes. Awkwardly, Severus began to pat her back, which only earned him a snort from Lily.

"You radiate awkwardness, Sev," Her muffled voice said. "You really should practice more."

Severus retorted, "And I suppose your ease indicates that you've had lots of practice with masked men and hidden lovers?"

Lily laughed. "They all had long black hair and hooked noses," she offered.

"Hmm."

Lily began playing with the buttons lining Severus' cloak. "I'm making you even nervous, aren't I? I mean, you're already more than aware about the risks and dangers and here I am, still, ranting on and on about how I'd feel if you… if you leave. It's so selfish of me, and I really shouldn't—"

"Lily," Severus cut her off firmly. "I'll be fine." He looked first into her emerald eyes, then away. "I have to."

Lily lowered her head and twisted a hand into his robes, leaning closer to him. His chest's motions, rising, then falling, then again, soothing her wild thoughts. "If you have to leave, or if you feel like you might … disappear, tell me, alright? I want to be ready, I want to know."

Severus' eyebrows furrowed. "Lily, I—"

"Please," she pleaded.

Silence reigned, broken occasionally by the intake of breaths. "I cannot, Lily. I-I don't know if I can fulfill that. Sometimes," Severus paused, clearing his throat in discomfort, "sometimes there are no… forewarnings." A bird cawed in the distance. "I'm sorry, Lily, but I… I can't promise you."

" 'Tis fine," Lily finally whispered. "I understand." She unfurled from her position amidst the robes, scooting away to grab a piece of blank parchment pinned under the books scattered under the tree. Severus stared at her, uncomprehending.

"I had a bad dream last night," Lily explained simply, but Severus heard the unspoken '_again'_ in her tone. He wondered what she dreamt of again, whether it was his death again, by the Dark Lord's hand. "You were there. I was there too."

Something in her tone compelled Severus to sit up and listen closely, something that hadn't been there the previous times she had nightmares like this. "He was there too, but he wasn't looking at you this time," she turned away, fumbling with the piece of parchment she kept hidden from Severus. "This time, he looked at me, and…"

"No," Severus breathed.

Lily nodded softly. "Yes," She said, her voice low, "He tried to kill me."

Severus' heart leapt. "Tried?"

"I woke up."

"Oh," Severus whispered, relieved. "Thank Merlin it was a dream." He looked at Lily's calm blank face, his instincts jumping instantly into overdrive. Lily's calm often preceded her most of her wilder ideas, and given the nature of the current topic…

Severus prepared himself mentally.

"I want us to know what to do if one of us die," Lily announced softly, her eyes still not quite meeting Severus'. "I want us to be prepared, to be ready if that moment comes."

Severus' mouth opened, then closed. Of all the times they'd talked about death, this was the first they'd ever talk about theirs. Lily dying… _No_, Severus couldn't even begin to imagine that.

"You won't be harmed, Lily," Severus said, his tone hard. "I'll make sure of it."

"And I you." Lily retorted. Severus opened his mouth to refute, but Lily saw it and beat him to it. "Come on, Sev. How would you feel if I was in danger and you can't do anything?"

"It's different."

"How?" The fire was returning to Lily's eyes, annoyance clear in her voice. "How can it possibly be different? I'm just doing what you would do for me! How can it be different?"

"You have friends and family who needs you, who loves you and—"

"And you don't? Open your eyes, Sev! Your mother needs you, your younger house mates, those kids that you tutor in Potions; they all need you," Lily ran a hand over her brow. After a while, she whispered. "I need you too."

Severus had no answer to that. He couldn't possibly have an answer to that tone. They sat there facing each other, not saying a word, heads turned away from each other.

"We're getting further from the original topic," Lily said after awhile. Severus stayed resolutely silent. Lily sighed and got up, sitting back down opposite of Severus, their knees almost touching.

"It's unnecessary."

"Please," Lily pleaded. She took a deep breath. " I-I need to know what to do if… I have to know, I_ have _to do something. I fear that I'll go mad if I don't."

Severus swallowed. The notion of his death, no matter how much he'd thought about it, still scares him sometimes. Looking up at the pair of emerald eyes directly in front of him, he could see that he wasn't the only one.

"Very well," he finally said. "For you."

Lily smiled at him sadly. "Thank you, Severus." She smoothed out the parchment she'd obtained a while ago, showing Severus what she'd written.

"_If I die young,"_ it read. Severus shuddered, but he persevered. He could deny it as many time as he wants, but he knew Lily was right. They'd steered away from this far too much in their previous discussions about the near future. They need to know how to handle his death when it comes, inevitably. He cannot have Lily wasting away. She would need something to do, to take her mind of it. They would need closure. He would need Lily to let go.

"I figured if we could have some sort of… ritual. Nothing dark, of course," she added quickly at Severus' arched eyebrow, "something light, and not too heavy." She laughed nervously. "I've thought about it for quite some time already, and I… It's kind of silly, but I thought it'll be nice…. To die this way… It'd work for both of us, I think," She handed him another piece of parchment, this one covered with a short poem.

Severus flinched at the casual way she mentioned death, but he turned towards the parchment.

"_Who'd thought forever could be severed by;_

_The sharp knife of a short life;_

_So if I die young;_

_Put on your best dress, and I'll wear my blacks;_

_What I never did is done; _

_So if I die young;_

_Bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses;_

_Sink me in the river at dawn;_

_Send me away with the words of a love song."_

Lily stared at Severus nervously as he scanned it once, twice then thrice. How she longed to rip that parchment out of his hands! Finally he looked up, looking dazed.

"So?" Lily bit her lip.

"It's… nice," Severus said. "Lily, I don't think—"

"No, don't think," the girl cut in. "What do you feel?"

_What do I feel?_ Severus couldn't answer that. All he could feel is that everything—this business of death—was gradually taking form, growing harder, more concrete as each word registered. No longer could he avoid the possibility, even if he wanted to. He wanted to scream, to run away from all this. Lily's poem was hauntingly beautiful for an end that ghastly; but oddly appropriate at dark times like this.

He could already imagine sailing away into the large expanse of blue at dawn, surrounded by the rising rays of sun as he takes his last breath. He didn't deserve that, but yes, if there was a way he could leave, it was that.

As Lily's eyes pierced into his, imploring him to speak his mind, he did exactly that.

All she did was smile after he'd finished. Then, she leaned in silently and wrapped her arms around him tight. "Thank you," she whispered. "Promise you won't change your mind. Promise you'll go with it."

Severus wanted to retort that he'd be dead by then and wouldn't have a choice, but he held back and nodded. It was refreshingly nice to see Lily contented after such a discussion. In fact, it was refreshingly nice to see Lily this contented at such times. She never really did smile like that anymore since the Dark Lord rose; radiant and genuinely happy, no sadness or worry in her eyes. He would have said anything at that time to preserve that moment. "I promise."

But it was truly a surprise when Lily leaned in suddenly and kissed him on the lips. They stayed there for a long silent moment, their lips barely touching. Severus' breath caught on his throat, suddenly unable to breath. His heart hammered away in his chest; he could feel another doing the same against where it pressed against his body.

Lily didn't know what possessed her to do it, and it left her feeling flushed. She wanted to hit herself in the head for even trying, but Severus looked so surprised that she was glad she did. Her head was dizzy from the rush of feelings, and she couldn't breathe. It was her first, and it was Severus.

Just as she was pulling away, embarrassed, uncertain, Severus pulled her closer. She could feel his smile—genuine, surprised, delighted—as he leaned down and kissed her again, this time longer; deeper.

Then the moment passed, and it was cast away in history, though both of them knew they would not be able to sleep that night. A bell tolled somewhere in the distance.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Lily whispered as they pulled apart, both wearing identical blushes. Severus nodded awkwardly, suddenly self-conscious. They walked towards the different paths leading to their dormitory.

"Tomorrow," he promised.

_**SS**LE**_

_He's never got around to fulfilling that promise. The Dark Lord had summoned all his Followers that night, and Severus, against his wishes, found himself presented before the Dark Lord by Lucius Malfoy._

_That very night, after his first ever kiss, he received the Mark._

_Things went downhill quickly after that. He'd avoided Lily like the plague, going so far to pinpoint her weakness and use it against her. He didn't want anything to do with her, to contaminate her purity with his dirt. Merlin knows how much he wanted to go back to before that night, before everything had gone so horribly wrong._

_Lily seemed to understand, despite his spiteful words, and left him to his peace. But there was disappointment, sorrow and hurt that lurked behind that mask Lily wore from then onwards, stabbing Severus over and over again every time he look at her. _

_She'd gone on to be an Auror, then marrying James Potter, fellow Auror extraordinaire, but Severus never forgot. He hated James Potter, hated him for taking what should have been his, hated him for rebuilding the love and smiles Severus had stripped from Lily._

_But most of all, he hated himself. For not being there; for not being strong enough, brave enough to take on Lucius or even the Dark Lord when they insisted on the Mark. For not being good enough for people to try save him, for Lily._

_For imparting the wrong message to the wrong person at the wrong time. _

_Severus had tried to kill himself the day he told the Dark Lord about the prophecy in spite towards Dumbledore for not being able to protect him. He'd never intended to harm Lily. He'd never thought the Dark Lord would try to kill the Potters. _

_He'd never thought Lily's death would precede his, because of him._

_That was why Severus stood stiffly in Godric's Hollow, in front of the burial spot that had been vacated a few hours ago, dressed in his best robes, complete with the silver lining that was reserved for the highest of his honor guests. His face was a void, blank of emotions, of the grief that was consuming him._

_He didn't show up earlier; he didn't think himself worthy of it. But he had something to do, he had to come._

_He'd failed to fulfill too many promises to her before; he wasn't about to fail again. Not this one. _

"_Bury me in satin, lay me down in a bed of roses; sink me in the river at dawn: send me away with the words of a love song..." _

_And at the break of dawn, Severus Snape did just that, his low lilting voice weaving itself into a sad melody, bidding Lily Evans a final farewell. As the last note of the melody fell, and what was left of Lily floated into the shimmering sun rays, Severus closed his eyes. _

"Tomorrow," he promised.

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Harry Potter, Angst, Romance