Phantom of the Opera MCesar

M. Cesar By Deep Roller 

A/N: This was a one-shot for a humor fic contest on To my utter surprise, it got in the top five, and I just thought I'd repost it here since I can finally tell the world it was me who wrote it. I…guess it's funny:D

Disclaimer: I make no profit of making horses talk. Not even fictional horses belonging to Gaston Leroux.

She thought she would go quite mad, locked alone in the house on the lake. Erik had left for the day and she was all by herself. Well, she wasn't really locked away but where could she go? The darkness left her utterly directionless and was rather oppressive this far down. Her normal life was far behind her now, that was for sure. Sitting hopelessly on a plush divan and burying her face in her hands, she began to sob quietly. An unfamiliar voice snapped her from her deep mood in a moment.

"_Hellloooo_?"

Going from melancholy to cautious in the span of seconds, Christine crouched on the divan much like a timid cat, her eyes wide and startled. Her fingers twined together, a ball of small frightened snakes. It wasn't Erik, and it wasn't the Persian. Who was it? If she answered, they might find her and hurt her. But of course, being Christine, her curiosity got the better of her and she DID answer.

"_Is anyone there_?"

"I'm here!" The voice echoed through the underground. "Help! Please!" The compelling urgency of the request had Christine up and running before she could really think twice about the whole scenario. Really, she probably ought to have, but helping people was quite important. After searching all through the house, she ran outside and stood at the wharf, peering around. The boat was gone, but there was a path that led off into the unlit shadows of the basement. She bit her lip, unsure if that was where the voice was coming from. "_Help_!" That's where it was coming from alright. Never one to disobey a command from a mysterious, faceless and somewhat unnerving voice, Christine resumed her search.

A few steps into the darkness, she stumbled into the most curious building. She wasn't sure what it was at first, supported by beams and with a half door. Small lanterns hung beside the door on either side casting the whole site in twin pools of light. Had Erik just built this? And then from the depths of the dark a white monster rushed forward! Christine tumbled back a few steps, losing her balance. The monster whickered and nudged her. It was Cesar, not a monster at all and this was a stable. Christine had always wondered where Erik kept the horse he had stolen from the regular stables, and here was her answer.

"Oh, Cesar," she breathed in deep relief, a hand at her fluttering heart, "it's only you."

"Only me? I'm in trouble here, it took you long enough to arrive!" Came the indignant reply.

"I'm sorry I'm late it's just that I'm looking for-" She cut off mid-sentence and gaped at him. "Did you just talk? To me?"

"No, I didn't. I whistled." Cesar gave a toss of his head with the sarcastic words. "Yes, I just talked to you. I am trapped in here and I need to get out right this moment!"

"Trapped? Oh no! How do I let you out?" For anyone else, the thought of a talking horse probably would have given more pause. Christine wasn't anyone else, however, and she had no real reason to question whether horses could talk if the proof was staring her in the face. Or talking to her in the ear, rather.

"Slide the bolt, careful it's heavy and it pinches." Christine did as she was told, but then frowned in confusion as she looked up at the big horse.

"That was easy! It wasn't locked or anything. You could have gotten out, seeing as you're clever enough to talk."

"I have no hands. Things are not easy when you have no hands. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Eloise that I'm late for. Stand back, I may get you wet. I usually use the secret passage but I'm far too late for that. Tell Erik not to worry, though." He brushed past her and galloped down the rickety wharf, plunging into the lake and sending spray everywhere. Christine gave a small wave and a cheerful goodbye before returning to Erik's home to await his return. When he did arrive, she approached him to soothe his worry about Cesar before it began.

"Cesar says not to worry, that he'll be back later because he has made a date with Eloise that he cannot break and is late for. He would have taken the secret passageway but said swimming was quicker." Christine couldn't understand why Erik didn't look relieved at her assurance. Instead, he looked more worried.

"Cesar…said…he'd be back?"

"Yes, he said not to worry. Really, Erik I think you can trust him he's a very loyal horse."

"Have you been down here too long, Christine? Has the confinement seeped into your brain? No, don't answer. Come, child, you must go straight away to bed to rest." Christine protested as she was ushered to the bedroom, and protested more as she was commanded to stay in the bed, but when Erik shut the door on her, she fell silent and wondered idly how Cesar's time with Eloise was going.

The next morning, Erik again left but not before leaving clear instructions on how to go about exiting the house on the lake. He'd really rather have stayed but it was his day to collect his extortion fees and reinforce his authority over Moncharmin and Richard. He couldn't afford to miss such a day though his mind troubled over Christine the entire way. Perhaps she was just overtired. Leaving her alone might not be very healthy, but sometimes it was the only choice. When Erik had gone, Christine slipped out of the house and made her way to the hidden stable. Cesar was back, and the door was bolted again.

"So you can't open it but you can close it?" Christine asked with uncharacteristic shrewdness. "I thought you were incapable of that."

"Okay, I confess, I was lonely. It_does_ get dark and dismal down here, you know. I don't have any friends and Erik doesn't brush me very often, just when he's using me to ride around the House at night. In fact, the last time I got a decent brushing was when he wanted to impress you when he brought you down here. And that was days and days ago."

"I understand completely," Christine said, laying a commiserating hand on the sleek white shoulder. "I do. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well, it_is_ my birthday in a few days. I would love to have a small get together with all my old friends from the stables. Mikhael, Eloise, Chaucer, Peanut, the old gang. They think I'm stuck up. Maybe a little crème brulee or rice pudding and a carrot cake, some fine white wine, just a little respite from this solitude."

"A party? I love parties! I'm sure I could get all the horses to come down, and Erik wouldn't mind!" Christine exclaimed with bright joy. "I'll get to work on it immediately!" Planting a kiss on Cesar's nose, Christine all but rushed out of the underground, via Erik's directions. Luckily, those directions led right into the stables proper.

Erik, on his way back to his house, found her bent over Chaucer's stall, talking to him earnestly. He was wary to approach her in such a public setting, but when he heard a snippet of her conversation, he had to step in. "-very much like it if you could come. I have the directions right here…"

"Christine?"

"Erik! I was just-"

"You were talking to that horse." Erik accused, pointing a skeletal finger at the gray head hanging over the stall door.

"Erik it isn't polite to point, but yes, I was talking to him. None of these horses talk back, though. But Cesar told me they understood and prefer to remain quiet."

"Christine I'm thinking a few days above ground would do you good. Perhaps you should just stay here."

"Oh, no! I can't! I have so much to_do_ for Cesar!" Her protest was shocked and genuine. "Christine." Erik's voice was firm, "stay above ground for a few days. Do not return to the house upon the lake until Sunday. Do you understand?" Christine was about to plea, but she saw the dreadfully serious look in Erik's eye, and she shut her mouth and nodded almost fervently. She couldn't give up, she just couldn't. There had to be a way….

Had he finally bent her mind beyond repair? Erik sat in bewilderment on the very divan Christine had been so upset on only the previous evening. He tapped the side of his mask with one index finger as his gaze meandered into space. She seemed so unconcerned, talking to horses and to Cesar in particular. A sudden noise made him startle, ever alert as he was for intruders. But then nothing. Relax, Erik, he thought to himself, you're losing your mind too! But then another noise that sounded like it was coming from…oh no. With a weary sigh he headed down the wharf.

There were fifteen horses in all crowded around the stable; neighing, gobbling crème brulee from a trough he had built Cesar, swishing their tails and just relaxing. All of them were bedecked somehow, in sparkling ribbons or ruffled bits of costume. Cesar was sporting a lovely Admiral's hat and Christine, the most ribbon-bedecked of all, had on a bright black domino that was wrapped in white crepe paper. She was also wearing the widest smile as she applauded Cesar and then turned to Erik.

"Be nice!" She called to Erik as he approached with a look that toed the line between rage, shock, and concern. "It's his birthday!"

"Christine…" She knew he was about to start and she put up a finger to silence him, oddly stern.

"This is not the place, we don't want to spoil the mood!"

"Christine these are horses…."

"He was worried they'd think he was snobbish!"

"I….you…"

"Have some carrot cake, Erik. Oh, do be careful, Eloise doesn't want her ribbon disturbed." Christine adjusted the ribbon in the mare's mane with a pleased smile, offering each of her guests cake like a proper hostess, giving a little bow when they nibbled from the platter as Erik stared bemusedly at the whole operation. As if in a trance, he reached for a small appetizer on a nearby platter and lifted it to his lips. After all, it was a party.


End file.

Phantom of the Opera, Humor, Parody