EastEnders 1. 1st May 2009

**Hi all!**

**This is my latest little fic venture, The Memoirs Of Christian Clarke.**

**I really dunno where this idea came from, but I think I'm gonna try to document Christian's thoughts from every one of his encounters with Syed. Naturally, I find it best to start at the beginning, so this is my idea of what Christian might have made of their first meeting.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

**xoxoxo**

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1st May 2009

Syed Masood. What a mind field. Everything about him screams 'gay', and yet, for the first time in a long time, I find that I'm not so sure. The way he acts is so different from the way his body speaks. Its as though his head says 'straight', while his heart says 'gay'. The playful tone to his voice as he introduced himself; the way he turned my name into a joke, these things just screamed out to me. Gay. When we touched, I felt a spark of electricity course thorough my entire body. I wonder if he felt it too. I had never felt anything so wonderful, and yet so terrifying at the same time. It was as though I could feel myself get lost in him from one touch. The way he got so offended when I (jokingly) defended myself against his 'manly shake' comment. Such a sensitive soul. Either a gay soul trapped in a straight body, or a gay body trying its best to conjure up a straight soul.

I had known for a long time that I was gay. For a long time before I had even admitted it to myself, I knew that I was gay subconsciously. But I never tried to run from it. I noticed little things at first; I never joined in when my mates commented on how 'fit' the girls were, and I found myself thinking of James, my best friend, more and more, and in ways I knew meant more than friendship. The feelings stirring within me when I was in gym class. All the little things I subconsciously knew meant that i was gay. I never tried to make myself straight. As far as I was concerned, I was born this way; this was the way I was meant to be.

I wondered if Syed knew that he was meant to be gay. Even from that first touch, I could feel myself start to fall for him. I knew that, the closer we got, the harder it would be for me to convince myself that nothing ever could, or ever would, happen between us. The more time we spent together, the harder it would be to stop myself from falling. Even from one touch, a few exchanged words, I knew that life would never be the same again. It was as though a dormant part of my brain had been activated, and was slowly starting to come alive. Love. I had to stop myself from thinking the word. I didn't even know anything about him! It was ridiculous that a small, unconscious part of my mind had thought up that word. I didn't even know the meaning of the word, not truly.

Although I was terrified of what was going to happen next, a bigger part of me was intrigued as to how this situation was going to develop. Whether my feelings for him, and in turn, his feelings for me, would ever turn into something more than the feeling you have for your acquaintance, friend, even. Before I could even stop myself, I was fantasising over what it would be like if he and I could be together; how we would love each other eternally, and would never let one another fall.

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**A/N: Please take the time to let me know what you make of this! I really don't know what to make of the whole idea! **


	2. 15th & 16th June 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the lack of updates, but I was trying to decide which episode to use next.**

**I've decided on these ones. Hope it's OK!**

**xoxoxo**

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15th June 2009

My thirty-seventh birthday. Thirty seven years, and nothing to show for it. No kids (although that's hardly surprising, under the circumstances), no bloke, all of my money ploughed into a business which was still trying to get itself recognised. Yeah, I have a nice flat, but it seems pointless with no one to share it with. Being rejected by James kinda put things into perspective for me. There he was, getting on with his life, settling down with someone, and here I was, still the same old Christian, having the same endless, pointless one night stands. I wonder if it's ever going to happen for me. If I'm ever going to find 'The One'. I'm still a little pessimistic about the whole 'soulmate' kinda thing.

Maybe I tried it on with James because I'm surrounded by people I can't have. All the blokes in the Square are straight, with the one exception I can't yet figure out. Syed Masood. The cryptic man. His mouth says one thing while his body language tells a whole different story. I feel myself getting that one little bit closer to him, closer to figuring him out, and then he says or does something that knocks me back to the start again. He has a beautiful girlfriend (I'm gay, not blind) who he seems devoted to, and yet odd times I've caught him glancing my way with a glint in his eyes. Maybe James is right. I am middle-aged, and I'm looking for anything or anyone to settle down with, or even just have a fling with.

Oftentimes, I catch myself wondering if I'll ever find anyone I care enough about to stick around for. Usually, they're lucky if they get a repeat performance. Maybe I'm doomed to a life of loneliness, a long line of one night stands, and being forced to watch as those around me fall in love and settle down. My own sister's managed to do it twice! Sighing to myself, I reach for the vodka bottle, just wanting some way to make all of these feelings disappear.

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16th June 2009

'We're partners, aren't we?' Syed's words ring through my head as I make my way home. To a house which isn't mine. I collapse on the sofa, Jane's sofa, wanting nothing more than to go back to the peace and solitude of my own flat. Any more time looking after a pair of teenage kids, and I was gonna get grey hairs. 'Partners'. Such an innocent, simple word, with so many connotations. Of course, I know that he means business partners, but I can't help myself. I imagine that he means it in a different way, imagine what it would be like to be with him. We get on so well, even after everything I put him through. I make his life a living hell, my actions with Bushra proving as much. And yet, he's still so warm and kind to me, like he's trying to tell me something. He covers for me, tries to protect me from his mother's evil tricks, even after the way I've behaved.

James was right. If only I'd let myself fall for someone, we could both be really happy. The only problem was, I _was_ falling for someone. Only, that someone was in a relationship. In a _heterosexual_ relationship. With a woman. I had always kept myself shielded in the past. I'd had my heart broken once, and from that day, I'd sworn that I'd never let it happen again. I put my shields up so high and so thick that it was almost impossible for anyone to break them down. But now, day by day, I feel them break a little more with the more time I spend with Syed. He's slowly starting to break through the defences I've held for so long, and I have no idea how he's even doing it. I don't even think he's aware that he's doing it. I can only hope that, in time, I'll be able to figure out the conundrum that is Syed Masood.

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**A/N: I thought I'd leave the first kiss (which is the next episode) for the next chapter, as there will probably be a lot I'd like to say regarding that!**


	3. 20th June 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the lack of updates, but I've been super busy the last couple of weeks. I'll try and update a couple of times this week to make up for it.  
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**So, here it is, Christian's reactions to their first kiss. Hope you like it.  
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**xoxoxo**

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20th June 2009

I wake for the first time with a smile on my face. Last night...what a night. All of my suspicions confirmed to be true. But why the original denial? Now, looking back, I wonder how I could have been so blind for so long. My instincts have never served me wrong yet, but I still found myself filled with doubt. Maybe it was the double bluff Syed was playing me. Maybe my instincts were getting affected by my age. But in truth, it was all Syed. He had so deeply convinced me that he was straight, that it was just a bit of harmless straight-man-flirting-with-gay-man fun. How wrong was I. The flirting was there, all through Bushra's party. And I had been so blind. His defensiveness about being gay was all true; it just wasn't directed at me. Being gay in his religion was forbidden, and yet here he was - gay. I saw it in his eyes later, in the Unit. The second he turned back to look at me, I realised that my initial instinct had been right. I've seen that look a million times, the look a ''straight'' man gives me when he's tired of the pretence and the lies. When he simply can't hold back his feelings any more. I reacted to his kiss eagerly; maybe a little too eagerly. In that first kiss, from the moment our lips met, I'm sure that he could feel my desperation, my need to have him at any cost.

Something about Syed stirs something deep within me. One kiss is never enough; I'm still left wanting more after one touch. Usually I can take it or leave it, but with Syed, I feel as though I can take, take, take, and never get tired or bored. I could feel my own desperation mimicked back at me, rolling off Syed in waves. The way his hands tightened around my waist, my fingers fisting themselves into his hair automatically, as though they had done it so many times before that first time. Syed, pushing me back against the cold metal fridges, pressing himself into me, letting me feel his urgency for myself. I still chuckled at the way he had almost begged me to let him come back with me - as if I could have ever refused him! The way he practically pulled me up the stairs and begged me to fuck him before I'd even closed the door behind us. The way it felt as I pushed into him that first time, feeling him wince from the pain, but seeing the look of pure pleasure on his face as I finally did what he begged me to do. How he felt as he came around me, feeling him pulse around my cock. Everything he did had me mesmerised, and I don't know how I'm going to make it out of the hold he has on me.

Because no matter how perfect last night was, no matter how many times our perfect night will be replayed in my memory, I know that I need to make it out of this strange hold he has on me if I'm ever going to survive this with my sanity intact. I see Syed, and all I can see is his perfect life. His adoring parents, who he would never want to disappoint. His kid brother who looks up to him in so many ways. His loving girlfriend, who he seemed to be completely and utterly devoted to. Until last night. After last night, I can feel myself start to fall for him that little bit more. Now that I've seen how well we fit together, how much we could decipher from one another without it needing to be said, I can feel myself start to want more and more of him. But I can never have more of him. Because if he was to give more of himself to me, it would mean that he would lose the respect and love of his parents, his standing in the community which I knew was so important to him, the business he was proud to be a part of. In the end, he would lose so much more than he would gain. And I knew, deep down inside, that he would never choose one man, a man who he had spent but one night with, over all of that.

Almost despite myself, I push all of my negativity to the back of my mind and check my phone hopefully, my face dropping when I see that Syed hasn't replied to my messages. I realise that I may have came on a little strong, and decide to back off. As far as I know, last night was Syed's first time, and he's probably feeling as confused as I am, if not more. I sigh to myself, realising that I could be in a much bigger mess than I initially thought. Again shaking off the negative thoughts, I pull on my jacket and head out of my flat, hoping to catch a glimpse of him in the street, a smile on his face, that look in his eyes, anything to take me back to last night and all of the things that happened between us in just a few short hours.

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**A/N: Chryed are back on the 18th October! The black hole (albeit shorter than the last one) has been far too long for my liking, and I can't wait for a storyline to be focused on our boys once again!**


	4. 22nd June 2009

**Hi all!**

**Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter!**

**I felt so sorry for Christian after Syed's rejection after their first kiss. So this chapter is a little angsty.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

**xoxoxo**

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22nd June 2009

And so, the conundrum that is Syed Masood grows. After failing to answer several of my texts over the weekend, avoiding me in the street this morning and staying away from me at work as much was humanely possible, Syed had come to see me in the Unit. He had so vehemently denied everything that had happened between us that it had forced me to bite back, trying to get him to see things from my side; that the other night meant so much more to me than a quick fumble in the Unit when no one was looking. The other night meant more to me than I ever thought would be possible. It was ingrained into my memory, and already I had relived that night more times than I cared to admit, both consciously and in dream, and always, the end result was the same - me, tossing myself off to images of everything we had done to one another, and fantasies of what we still had left to do.

And there was Syed, adamant that the other night had meant nothing to him, adamant even that it had never happened in the first place. How could he deny that something so beautiful, so meaningful, and so right had ever happened? I didn't like this new, defensive Syed one bit. In this new bravado act, there was no trace of the man I had felt myself start to fall for. It was as if they were two completely different people. This Syed was cold, heartless and hurtful. I don't think he realised just how much he had hurt me today. Although I knew that the situation was in no way ideal, I had thought that we could at least be civil to one another in the street.

And worse yet was that I had to act like everything was normal. When Amira gushed about what she and Syed had done at the weekend, what they were planning to do later on in the week, how perfect her life was, how perfect she and Syed were for one another...I had to hold my tongue every single time. I knew that, if anything were to develop between me and Syed, it would kill me to hear her going on about her perfect life while I sat there knowing the truth. There was no doubt in my mind now - Syed was gay. He was doing a damn good job of hiding it, but I knew the truth. For a few glorious hours, Syed had let me see the real him. And the real him was amazing. But now I was stuck with playing second best at best. The way things were looking right now, however, I'd be lucky if we were still on speaking terms at the end of the week. And then there was Amira, sticking her nose in, asking me who I'd got off with at the weekend. If only she knew. If only she knew that it was her perfect Syed who had made me so happy and yet so miserable all in the same weekend.

So, Syed had come to see me in the Unit, and I had hoped that he was finally going to admit to what had happened between us, admit that it was a beautiful thing which felt so right. But he had cut me down. I could see it in his eyes the second he walked in the door. He was cold, distant, none of the warmth he had shown me the other night shining through at all. Syed, telling me that I was a mistake...that cut me up more than I ever thought possible. That he had forgotten it so quickly, had forgotten how right and perfect it had been, and wanted me to forget it too, without any regard at all for my feelings, that cut me deep. I know that I've done exactly the same thing to others in the past. Maybe this is karma's way of getting back at me. Giving me a taste of my own medicine. But then, I saw a change in his eyes. A change so subtle that I was surprised I picked up on it. "So that's why you came here? To tell me that?". As soon as I asked my question, I saw a look of hesitation in his eyes. Only for a split second. But it was there. I had thought that that was my chance, my chance to make him see sense, to make him see that those glorious things did happen between us.

Again, I was wrong.

I played it cool, joking about how my heart was broken, asking what I should tell Amira when she asks me why I'm sad, and I saw the hesitation disappear and turn into anger. Pure, unadulterated anger. He had crossed the room and was right in my face, almost daring me to make the next move. He was "normal". Not like me. Provoking me, to see if he'd get a reaction. But, no matter how much he'd hurt me, no matter what he'd said to me, I was determined not to end things like this, and asked him to have a drink with me. Boy, was I wrong to do that. As I brushed past him to fetch him a glass, I felt his breathing speed up the closer I got to him, and I knew that, no matter what he said, he did feel something for me. Whether it was simply pure lust or something more, I didn't care. I was determined to get him to admit how he really felt.

I should have left well enough alone.

It was so frustrating. I knew that Syed wasn't a straight man, playing the field, dabbling in other areas. I knew that he was a gay man who was desperate to have contact with someone, anyone. And that anyone happened to be me. Maybe because I was the only gay bloke in Walford, maybe because he was genuinely attracted to me. Who knows? But trying to get him to admit to that was like banging my head off a brick wall. Denying that he had ever came onto me, pretending that he wasn't interested in me, when we both knew the truth. I'll admit, I did push him a little. Telling him how right it felt over and over, trying to get him to see that I understood the difficult situation he was in, trying to get him to admit the truth to himself. But then he retaliated by telling me that he would claim that I was a liar. That he'd stoop so low, have people think badly of me, that hurt enough. "You're just a sad old queen"..."find yourself a mirror, old man...why would I wanna mess around with something like you?" I couldn't believe some of the things he was saying to me. Those things hurt me the most. And the look in his eyes gave away no hint of a lie. If he thought any differently of me, he was keeping it well hidden.

I sigh, crossing the room to collapse onto the bed which isn't mine. As I try to will myself to sleep, all of the things Syed said to me keep playing round and round in my head. I fall into an uneasy sleep, knowing that the words will stay with me throughout my dreams and will still be with me when I wake in the morning. I wish that I could be back in my flat, in my own space, so that my despair can show itself properly.

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it?**


	5. 26th June 2009

**Hi all!**

**Great to have Chryed back on our screens this week!**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

**xoxoxo**

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26th June 2009

The look on Syed's face last night is still playing on my mind as I grab the bags from the chippy and head over to Ian's. The little plan he's come up with to save the business. To bring us all 'closer together'. His words, not mine. He's been so harsh with me, I couldn't help but give some of it back to him yesterday. 'Never know when you need to cool something down quick. The little digs I gave him all day. And when I leant to whisper in his ear, I could feel his heart rate increase. Mine did, too. His breathing became laboured, as though he was trying to control himself. And this morning, outside Ian's. Still the cold, distant Syed I had come to dislike. 'You keep out of my way'. Is that really what he wanted? He was the one who had originally came onto me, he was the one who was making life difficult, for the both of us.

Well, I'd had enough. Who was he to dictate to me how I was going to act around others? So, there we were, gathered around Ian's dining room table, Syed nestled in next to Amira. Amira...I've come to detest her, and the poor girl hasn't even done anything to me! It's all Syed. I scooted in close to him, practically sitting on his lap as we tucked into our cod. I could almost feel him trembling from the effort of not touching me. I should know, I was doing the exact same as him. I could lean in now, kiss him, and everyone would know. Because he would respond to me. Even if it was only for a split second before he came to his senses and pushed me away. But it would be enough. Enough of a pause for everyone to know who he really was, who he really wanted.

xo

After the meal, I'm sitting on the couch as Ian and Jane see Zainab and Masood out. Amira pleads with Syed to take her to the Vic, although I don't entirely see why. They don't even drink, why go to a pub? And then she utters those words I've been half-dreading, half-wanting. 'Do you wanna come?' I glance up to hear Syed's reply. 'Probably busy'. 'Don't hassle him'. I hide the glint in my eye as I see him squirm when I agree to go along. 'Tell me about your love life'. I have to bite back the laugh which threatens to escape from my lips, along with the truth about her darling Syed. The look in his eyes as Amira and I stalk past him. He's dreading it, I can tell. I walk behind them across the road to the pub, letting my eyes fall unashamedly on Syed's backside.

I argue with Roxy, and Amira comes sliding over. Great, just what I need when I'm wound up. More stories of how she and Syed are perfect for one another. I'm surprised that I haven't already spilled. Forcing myself to laugh when she asks me if I'm bi. Sliding my arm around Syed's shoulders when he reappears, telling him not to worry; that I'm completely gay, not bi. The look on his face, the way he shifts uncomfortably under my weight. Telling him Amira has strong views about people who 'bat for both sides'. The uncomfortable feeling that lingers around him all night, that Amira must either be oblivious to, or so used to that it's just become second nature to her.

I just happen to pick the perfect song on the jukebox the moment that Amira leaves Syed's side to visit the little girl's room. I start to dance as 'I Kissed A Girl' blasts from the speakers. Syed charges over to me, a look of annoyance in his eyes. Syed, threatning my with my family, the way he's helping Ian out, to get me to leave. Telling me I should be grateful, when all he's doing is manipulated. Well, Christian Clarke doesn't like being manipulated, not one bit. I tell him his mistake wasn't what happened between us and he shifts uncomfortably, making sure that no one else has heard me. I just want to shout it out from the roof tops. I threaten to tell Amira if he keeps pushing me around, and he gets even more defensive than before. I move in close to him for a second, and I can feel the electricity bubbling between us. I know he feels it too.

xo

I'm lying in bed, thinking over the night's events. I know that Syed feels something for me, otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard to push me away. If I can get him to open up, perhaps I'll be able to see the real him again, not this mask that he keeps putting on to please everyone else. I sigh as I fall back onto the pillows, trying to push away the thoughts of him. It's no use. After a split second, all I can see again is his face; his smiling one which greeted me after we'd fucked, not the one which he uses with me now. I decide that, tomorrow, I'll start to try to get him out of my head. Go out on the pull or something. There has to be something I can to to forget about Syed Masood.

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**A/N: Sorry it's so short, I'll try and get a longer one out next time, promise!**

**In regards to the writing style, is it OK or do you want me to change it?  
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	6. 13th July 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the delay in posting an update, but I've been having some Internet trouble.**

**We're jumping ahead a couple of days, to after the heart to heart in the Unit.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

**xoxoxo**

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13th July 2009

I'm getting in over my head. I can feel it. As I fling myself down onto my bed, I let out a huge sigh of frustration. Tonight had been going so well. Syed was finally starting to open up to me. And then he had gone back to his usual cold, retreated self. Sure, he had been cold and withdrawn at first, but I had sensed the jealousy he felt when I started mentioning 'Mark', and how much I was looking forward to our date. I could tell that he was starting to crack under the thought of me with another man, just as I cracked when I thought of him with his 'princess' Amira. I liked the girl, I really did, but I felt for her. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. And, to tell the truth, neither did I. I laugh to myself and shake my head. When Syed had yelled at me to stay after he had told me to leave, I had felt my heart soar. He wanted me with him. Even if it was in a completely professional way, he still wanted me. The fact that he had then gone on to spill chutney on me had just been an added bonus. Let's see if he could resist the charm of Christian Clarke when he was in a wet t-shirt. Apparently, he could. And then I had told him the truth about what he was - that he was passive-aggressive, and that his anger was eventually going to spill over and affect all of those around him. The painting really had been an accident, but surprisingly, it had been the trigger which had caused him to open up to me.

I smile as I replay the entire conversation in my head, committing it to memory. Now, I feel like I'm finally starting to understand where he's coming from. He spoken to me so truthfully, and I was touched that he had enough faith in me to tell me what he had. At first, of course, he had tried to deny it, deny us, but eventually, he had cracked. I still can't believe that I had sunk so low to make up a date to get his attention. I was just craving something from him - any form of contact, as long as he spoke to me. I even preferred the shouting and screaming to him ignoring me completely. He had pretty much confessed to me that there was something between us when he had said that one little line. 'What I feel doesn't matter.' So, if his feelings didn't matter, then he had to have feelings in the first place, right? Then, telling me that what had happened between us had to be a mistake, like it was something which needed to be forgotten, only fuelled my curiosity even more. I had felt myself die a little inside when he told me that I hadn't been the first. I know, I have no right to feel that way; after all, I've lost count of the number of men I'd slept with before him. I have no right to feel jealous that he'd had others before me. But yet, that is exactly what I felt. I hated that anyone else had touched them, had kissed him, fucked him. I didn't want him to have belonged to anyone but me. And now, I finally understood what it had all come down to. Why he had insisted that nothing had happened between us. Why he was continually pushing me away, telling me that I was a mistake, even though we both knew the truth of what we were. His family, and his faith. Both were the cornerstones of who he was, and he wanted to be respected in his community and make something of himself. Even I knew that a good Muslim boy would be cast out if he was revealed to be gay. Now, I knew where all the pretense had come from. Why he was so determined to keep what had happened between us a secret. And in that moment, I felt for him. He couldn't be who he was because of what other people would think. It had been a long time since I had felt like that. The way he stressed that there wasn't room for me in the perfect little hand he'd imagined for himself for so long broke a little piece of my heart. All I really want to do is feel sorry for myself and lock myself away from the world to lick my wounds.

And then he was back to the cold, defensive Syed. After our little heart to heart on the floor of the Unit, he put his guards back up and started shutting me back out, telling me that he wasn't denying anything because it didn't exist for him to deny. Telling me that he could pretend and live a lie, and I just had to be OK with that. Telling me that he'd rather die than be like me. He gave me an insight into what he was thinking. He assumed that all gay relationships were a string of one night stands, always meaningless, never lasting. That was the last thing I wanted him to think. Stressing that he wanted to be with someone who meant something to him, not someone who would cheat on him at every given moment. Right then, all I wanted to do was get him to understand that I wanted the same things as him; that I could commit to one guy, that not all gay relationships were meaningless. And then he had insisted that he wanted Amira, and I felt his defenses slam shut again.

So, here I am. Curled up on my bed, no further forward than I was this time last week. Except that now I know that he feels _something_ for me.


	7. 15th July 2009

**Hi all!**

**I had written all of this up last night, but then I was clever and forgot to press the little 'save' button at the bottom of the screen before I changed to another web page. So I'm sorry that this may be a little rushed as it was re-written at 1am, so apologies for any bad spelling/grammar and the like.**

**Also have to apologise for the lack of updates, but Real Life decided to rear its ugly head in a not-too-nice way, and I'm just about getting over that to be able to post and update to this story.**

**This chapter is written after the 'Gotcha' scene :)**

**xoxoxo**

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15th July 2009

I wake, and, for once, I'm instantly happy. Maybe it has something to do with last night. Last night, I finally had him again. Syed. It was almost as though something had snapped in him yesterday. One minute, he was mad at me for ruining his painting. Didn't want anything to do with me when I walked into the Unit to help him. Then, five minutes later, he was laughing and joking with me. I had been horrified to hear that I had mocked his painting, since he had always dreamt of being a painter. 'Sy, I'm sorry...' _Sy_. It had just jumped out of my mouth without even having to think about it. _Sy._ It had suited him. And, better still, I knew that _I_ was the only one who had ever called him that, and that I most likely would always be the only one to call him that. It made it seem much more personal, for the both of us. 'Gotcha'. The smile on his face as he said that one word had made my day. He looked exactly like he had the first time I had taken him home; so carefree, completely at ease with himself, which was a welcome change from the unhappy, brooding Syed who had been out to play for the last few weeks. I didn't even think about my reply, it was like the words just fell out of my mouth without my brain even realising it. 'Yeah, you have.' It was the first time I had made myself so vulnerable for a long time. But what shocked me more was how true my words were. I think it was partly because the words had been dying to bust out of me, and had finally found the right moment, and partly because of Syed's sudden personality change, for the reasons why I found myself opening up to him. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take Syed back home and experience the same mind-blowing things that we both had last time. I had thrilled when he had said that one simple word. 'Okay.' I had to stop myself from jumping him right there and then. It was evident to me, in that moment, that he wanted me again just as much as I wanted him.

We had practically ran all the way to my flat, and I knew that if there was anyone watching us, they would know exactly what we were going to be getting up to, but I couldn't find it in me to care. In that moment, it seemed that Syed couldn't care less, either. He tried to have his way with me right there in the doorway again, but I was having none of it this time. I practically dragged him up the stairs and into the flat, going against every instinct in my body in order to take things slow with him this time. I wasn't stupid, I knew that he was going to go back to living his double life as soon as we were done, but I was selfish, and I wanted to take my time, so that I could spend as much time with him as possible. I knew from our one previous encounter that once Syed set his mind on getting something, it wasn't easy to distract him. Even the need to get back to his family was shunned to one side when he was caught up in the moment of passion.

But he had upped and left just as soon as we were done. I had had a couple of minutes of bliss, where he was too caught up in the moment to even think about leaving, and in those couple of minutes, I had had an insight into what life would be like if we could always be like this. Syed, cuddled up against me in post coital bliss, me, with my arms wrapped around him protectively. But then he was gone, and I was alone for the night. Despite this, I had still awoke happy. I suppose it was to do with the scent Syed had left of my pillow. Or just that the feeling of just _being_ with him again had totally erased the feelings of disappointment I had felt when Syed had left me again. I hoped that, now, finally, Syed would be able to open up to me again.


	8. 16th July 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the delay with this one, but real life caught up with me again for a while!**

**Lovely to have Chryed back again, but I wish EE would give them a regular storyline again! I'm sick of having them for like two episodes before not seeing them again for months!**

**Anyways, this chapter is a follow up to the last chapter, with Syed again insisting that what happened between him and Christian was a mistake.**

**Hope you like it!**

**xoxoxo**

**

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**

16th July 2009

I should have known it was too good to be true. Again. As soon as I let my guard down with Syed, he slams it all right back in my face. Every time. And I just let him. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Never before have I ever been so hung up on one guy. In the past, if they never called back, or if they said they didn't want to hook up again, I could just leave them be. I'd never _pined_ for anyone before, not ever. But everything about Syed is different. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is about him that makes me want him so much, but whatever it is, it's strong.

I woke up happy this morning, for the first time in a long time. The smell of him on my sheets, the taste of him on my lips. I didn't mind that I'd run out of milk. It wasn't a problem. Not today. I'd just go to the Cafe and treat myself to a full breakfast. I even had a spring in my step as I was walking, and whistled along to myself. And then, he walked in the door. Syed. Like a breath of fresh air. But then he pleads with me not to tell anyone what happened, saying that people make stupid mistakes and that there wasn't much to tell. Nothing that has ever happened between us has been stupid, not to me. I tell him so, but he just walks off, leaving me stunned, Jane brings my breakfast over, but I find that I've lost my appetite. Jane asks me if I'm in love, and every bone in my body screams 'yes'. But because of the situation I've found myself in, I have to brush it off, make everything appear normal. Jane, of course, sees right through me. I never could fool my big sister. And then Amira walks in, and my day just goes from bad to worse, especially when Jane starts filling her in on my love life, or lack thereof. When Amira asks if she knows him, I'm desperate to tell her just exactly who I'm in love with. But I can't. I know he'd never forgive me if I did. I somehow manage to shrug them off, heading to the Unit, half-dreading, half-excited to see Syed again. If we're going back to the same games as before, I really don't wanna know. But something about him just makes me keep coming back for more.

Syed walks into the Unit, and I can immediately tell that something's got his back up. I try to make light of it, joke with him about how awkward it is with Amira, but he isn't in any mood for joking, it seems. He reminds me that what happened between us was a stupid mistake and assures me that it won't happen again. I ask him if he's sure about that, and my heart is pleading with him to tell me that he'll make that mistake over and over again with me. Even if all I am to him is a stupid mistake, at that moment in time, I'd rather be that to him than nothing at all. Anything to keep him coming back to my bed every now and again. I tell him that i like him, and he tells me that I'm wasting my time, and my heart crumbles. I tell him that what happened between us will happen again, and he reminds me that he's with a _girl_. I think he's the one who didn't notice. If the passion which he shows with me when we're alone is anything to go by, I'd say he's wasting his time being with a girl. The sounds and reactions which fall from his lips when he's with me...I get shivers at the thought of it. Good luck to any girl trying to make him feel like that. And then his mother comes in and ruins everything. Not that it was much of a moment, but still. Even these moments, which see us fighting, I even crave these. I carry on with my work, pretending not to car about their conversation, all the while listening in for a mention of me, for him to tell her that he wants to be with me. Getting my hopes up, I know, but I just can't help myself, not where Syed's concerned. Zainab comments that she hasn't seen Syed happy in ages, and I know for a fact that this has nothing to do with Amira. Syed comments on how great Amira is, and I know its not for his mother's benefit. And I get asked to tell him to make a decision. Well, that's the most honest thing I've heard from a Masood mouth the whole day, I have to say. He catches my eye, and I know that he feels something for me. I can see it written all over his face. But, with his family around him, I know I'll never see just _what_ it is that he feels.

I'm back in the Cafe, and Syed walks in. Deja vu. He asks me if I'm around later, and for a moment, I just hope that it means that he wants to come back to mine again. I want him again already. And the more he denies what happened between us, the more it makes me want him. He asks me to be in the Vic later, and I know I can't refuse him. He gives me a small smile before he leaves, and I can feel myself hoping that he's going to be honest with everyone, especially himself, and stop living this lie and this double life. Could I really be so lucky? I doubt it. But I can't stop the hope from entering my mind.

I see Zainab in the Vic as I walk in, and she informs me that Syed's also asked Amira, Mas and Tam to meet him in here too. I feel the little bit of hope I allowed myself to grow. He's asked all of the people he loves to meet him. Surely this means that he's going to do the right thing and be honest with everyone? Syed walks in a short while later, and I can feel my eyes light up as I see him. He meets my eyes for a second, and I can't wait to hear what he has to say. Amira walks in right on cue, and it kills me to see his eyes leave me to look at her. Can't he see what he's doing to me, every time he looks at her instead of me? He says it's now or never, and I tell him to be himself. I prepare myself for the fall out I know is going to come. I'm taken aback when he shouts to the entire pub. He wants everyone to know, so soon? It's not exactly like I'm complaining, but it seems a very un-Syed thing to do. I can't bring myself to look at him as he struggles to find the words. I don't want to put him off. And then he catches my gaze and holds it. I smile at him reassuringly, and he gives me a small smile back before carrying on. As the words spill from his lips and he pulls the ring from his pocket, I feel like the breath's been knocked out of me. I feel sick. My head is spinning. Why are all of these feelings attacking me? I barely even know Syed, really, and after all of the running and denying he's been doing, it's hardly a massive shock. But I had built it up so much in my head, that now that my expectations have come crashing down around me, I don't quite know how to react. I look up and Syed and Amira are kissing, and Zainab is on her feet trying to hug them both. I quickly utter my apologies and leave the pub, gulping in the fresh air as soon as I'm outside.

I run down Bridge Street and let myself into my flat, kicking the door shut behind me before collapsing onto the sofa. I haven't moved from this spot in hours, even though the sky has become dark around me. I don't quite know how to pick myself up off the floor now. Never have I been so harshly and unexpectedly rejected by someone who I didn't even know I could care about so much.

* * *

**I felt so sorry for Christian in this episode! I think he really expected Syed to come clean to eveyone!**


	9. 17th July 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies again for the delay, no excuse, I'm just rubbish *hangs head***

**This chapter carries on the next day, when Christian's still trying to come to terms with Syed's engagement to Amira.**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

17th July 2009

I don't know if I slept at all last night. I suppose I must have; I can't remember anything after I collapsed onto the sofa and started feeling sorry for myself. Still, I pick myself up and carry on as normal. After all, that's what Christian Clarke does best. I mean, who was I trying to kid, anyway? Me, getting settled down with just one guy? Nah, that's not me. At least, I try to convince myself that it's not. I decide to head to the cafe to try to eat something; I don't really have anything in that's suitable for breakfast, and maybe getting out of the flat will do me some good, help me try to get over Syed...

My plan to convince myself that Syed meant nothing to me lasted all of five minutes. By the time I'd ordered a cup of tea and sat down in the corner, my phone was out of my pocket and I was calling his number. It almost happened unconsciously. I've been sitting here trying to call him for the past hour now, apologising for the number of messages, telling him that I just wanna talk, telling him that I'm not angry...not everything I say to him in the messages is a lie, but I had to admit that I was angry with him. How could he lead me on like that and then just drop me like what we had meant nothing to him?

Eventually I gave up trying to ring him and decided to go to the Unit. There was a function at the Vic we had to prepare for anyway, and I was hoping that all of the Masoods would still be out celebrating the engagement of the Prodical son, so that I could have the place to myself and the peace and quiet to gather my thoughts in. But it seems the fates didn't want to be that kind to me. I walk into the Unit and he's there. Syed. I confront him over his actions; why he hasn't been answering my calls; why he's damning himself to this life, this lie; why he's trying to hide who he is. And then it seems that whoever's up there really has it in for me, as his mother and Amira walk through the door and immediately decide to list me as their wedding planner. I have no choice but listen to wedding talk the whole time I'm at the Unit, and it almost kills me.

c~s

I finally get to be alone with him when we take the food over to the Vic. I try to explain to him that once I had the same choices that he has now, tell him that I could have got married, had a couple of kids, but that I would have been living a lie. Try to make him see that what he's doing isn't fair to anyone. But I touch him and he flinches away from me as if I've lashed out at him. I really don't know what I can do to try to make him understand.

They call me over to the house later on, and I have to listen to some more of the plans for the wedding. And then Zainab starts going on about how being gay is so very wrong, and I almost give up and tell everyone Syed's little secret. But he looks at me, with a pleading look in his eyes, and I can't bring myself to do it. I know that he's grateful to me for not outing him in front of everyone, but I can't help but feel ashamed at myself. Since when did Christian Clarke lie about who he was? And what I was in that moment in time was a desperate man trying to get his secret lover to realise how much he meant to me.

The Unit is oddly one of the only places I can go and think in the peace and quiet. It seems to be the only place these days which is keeping me sane. Which is ironic, considering this whole sorry state of affairs first started within these very walls. Syed's just been in and asked if we can still be friends. I told him that was it; that it was finished, over. He must have left hours ago. But I can't bring myself to move. Despite the fact that I had to hide what I had with Syed, I can't deny that it meant something to me. He meant something to me. And now that it's over, I don't know what to do with myself. Before, it was like I enjoyed the chase; trying to get Syed to admit that something had happened between us. And then, when it happened again, it was trying to find the time to be alone with him, even if it was just for a stolen kiss, or a hug, even. But now, I'm not sure what I can do to get over him. I'm not sure I even want to get over him..


	10. 27th July 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies again for the delay, no excuse, I'm just rubbish *hangs head***

**I'm going to upload a couple of chapters today, since I really want to get caught up with this and I'm about 2 years worth of scenes behind! This is chapter 1/4 that I will be uploading.  
**

**This chapter is the day before the engagement party, when Amira has asked Christian to help her organise it.**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

27th July 2009

Why did I have to agree to help out Amira? I must be a glutton for punishment! I don't even want to go to the stupid party, never mind help her organise the thing! It's still killing me, seeing Sy everyday and not being able to touch him. But I carry on, because that's what Christian Clarke does. He never lets anyone see that he's hurting, and he certainly never lets the person behind the hurt see him hurting. But I had looked into Syed's eyes as Amira begged and pleaded with me to help her out with the party, and I could see his sorrow written all over his face. He didn't want me to be involved any more than I had wanted to be involved in the first place. But right at that moment, I felt nothing for him other than bitterness. He had gotten what he had wanted from me and then he had tossed me to one side to resume his place as the 'good Muslim boy' as though I had no feelings. I knew that he was fighting against himself, against what he naturally felt when he was around me, so that he wouldn't lose the respect his parents had for him. Couldn't he see, as I could, that he was making a big mistake in going through with this marriage?

Maybe that was why he was so hostile towards me in the Unit today; he knew that I was right about him, about the way he felt, and he for some reason thought that I posed a threat to his 'perfect' life that he had with his family and Amira. He had asked me to stay away from him, and here I was, sticking my nose into his business again. Which would have gone down fine with me, had I actually been sticking my nose in, but Amira had all but begged me to help her out, and for some reason the 'friend' I had made in Amira wouldn't let me refuse her. Maybe it was because Amira just wouldn't let it drop that I agreed to help her just to stop her rabbiting on at me. But no, I truly did like Amira as a person, even if she was the main reason why I couldn't be with the man I...No, I stop myself in my tracks. I don't _anything_ Syed. He'd been in my bed only a handful of times, and after each and every time he had been so cold towards me, as if I had done him some great harm.

Even so, when he had so forcefully said that he didn't want me at the party, I had felt my heart drop. It wasn't as though I actually _wanted_ to be at the party and see him pledge himself to another, but I had thought, in the back of my mind, thta if I had been able to get him alone at the party, I might have been able to convince him that he was making a big mistake. I had told him that I, maybe not understood, but at least _respected_, that he had made his choice, and that in competition with Amira, I had lost, but really, I was just waiting for him to break down and confess that he had made a big mistake. Thankfully, I was saved from having to reply to him when Zainab had walked in, and he had had to at least be civil towards me, if nothing else.

We had worked in an uncomfortable silence, with Zainab positively gushing about the party and their 'special visitor', the Imam from the Mosque. It was as though she knew the turmoil I was going through and was saying these things simply to spite me. But of course, she knew nothing about what I had been up to with her son behind closed doors. Just as I thought I was going to be alone with Syed again, Amira walked in, gushing about her plans for the party, the colour scehemes she had chosen. Syed caught my eye, and I knew that I had to do as he had asked me; I couldn't go to the party. Amira, of course, refused to accept no as an answer, and so I'm stuck in a dilemna; do I go to the party and upset my...Syed. Or do I stay away and upset my friend?

Thankfully, Syed had made my decision for me, by putting words into my mouth and telling Amira lies about what I had - or, in this case, hadn't - said. He had said that I didn't think that their engagement party was important; that it wasn't important that I was there. But, in truth, I felt like I _needed_ to be there, to see for myself that he was indeed happy that he was pledging himself to this woman - and to this lie. I knew Syed had told me not to go, but in that moment, I was so angry at him that any regard for him flew out of the window. He saw me agree to come to the party, and if the look in his eyes could have killed...I'd have been a dead man walking.


	11. 28th July 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies again for the delay, no excuse, I'm just rubbish *hangs head***

**I'm going to upload a couple of chapters today, since I really want to get caught up with this and I'm about 2 years worth of scenes behind! This is chapter 2/4 that I will be uploading.  
**

**This chapter is the day of the engagement party.**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

28th July 2009

Today really couldn't have started out any worse if it had tried. First of all, I see Syed with Amira pretty much the second I step outside my front door. Then I have to take the food for the engagement party over to the Masoods, therefore seeing Syed and Amira together again. And now, Amira's here in the Unit crying her eyes out and expecting my shoulder to cry against. And, simply because she's a nice girl who I've come to like, I let her. Although, I have to admit, when she'd first told me that the engagement was off, some part of me was elated; maybe Syed had finally come clean to everyone about who he really was? Had he told Amira that he was gay? I try to calm her down, but she seems hysterical. Eventually, I get her to sit down, and fetch her a glass of water. I want her to tell me why the engagement's off, but at the same time, I don't want to be sounding all 'I-told-you-so'.

But she was upset, and I'm her friend, even if she does have something that I want. She'll never know how serious I was when I told her that being engaged to Syed was about as perfect as it gets. And, I realise, she is yet to see just how completely perfect he is. Poor thing. When I think back to his body, the way his abs are _just _defined, just the right amount for his frame...but no, I can't let myself think of him like that anymore. He's made his choice. But then she says something that just stumps me. The engagement isn't off because of Syed, it's off because of her dad. I'm speechless for a moment. I had been so sure that Syed must have said something, called the engagement off himself, realised that he had made a mistake, that hearing the true reason for the engagement being off comes as something of a surprise to me. I feel my hope shatter and fall, and not for the first time, where Syed's concerned.

She tells me how much of a catch Syed is, as though I don't already know. She talks about how she imagines what it will like to _be_ with him. Poor girl. I already know the answer to that one. If it's anything like the way he was with me...that girl is in for a treat. I feel my spirits fall as I think of the two of them together in _that way._ Why should I have to think like that? Why should I have had a taste of just how perfect Syed is, and then have it ripped away from me in the blink of an eye? I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. I know that trust and honesty mean everything to Zainab, and if she realises that Amira has been keeping something from her, she may call off the wedding. So, because I seem to be selfish where Syed's concerned, I tell her to go to Zainab before she goes to Syed. Maybe, if Zainab calls off the engagement, it will give me that little bit more time to try to convince Syed that he needs to be honest with himself...

c~s

I walk into the Masood's, and instantly, Zainab has started with her snide remarks and her sniping. She hands me a tray as though I'm a waiter she's paying, and sends me on my way. To be honest, I'm glad for the distraction. I instantly know that Syed's not in the room. Even though I haven't actively looked for him, I can't feel his presence anywhere near me, as I have in the past few weeks when we've been in the Unit together. I'm glad he's not here yet; it gives me a few more moments of blissful peace before I have to pretend that I'm as happy for the 'happy' couple as everyone else in the room is. I can feel the change in the air when Syed walks in though, and I wonder if he's as attuned to my presence as I am to his. Luckily, I'm near the back of the room when he walks in, so I can pretend that I haven't seen him. I can't pretend for long, though, as my head acts almost of it's own accord, my eyes searching him out before I can even register that I'm doing it. Masood starts to talk about how good Syed and Amira are for one another, and I have to stand and look attentive like everyone else.

I hardly heard much of what Masood was saying, my attention completely captured by the man in front of me, almost despite myself. It's everything I can do not to burst into tears right there in front of everyone. That would certainly attract some attention. I wonder for a moment what my excuse would be, for bursting out into tears. Maybe I could tell everyone the real reason, since I've had enough of the pretense. Then Syed catches my gaze and lets it linger, and I feel myself fall for him, and not for the first time. The way he looks at me, his expression so soft, and kind, almost makes me forget that we're both in turmoil, fighting what we feel for each other. He breaks his gaze from mine only when the applause starts, and I feel the loss of his attention almost immediately. I slip out of the room, hopefully un-noticed, needing some space from all of the 'congratulations' which are being passed around. I know if I stay in that room any longer, the way I'm feeling right now, I'll only end up bursting into tears in front of everyone.

I make my way into the kitchen, the silence washing over me, comforting me slightly, until I hear the door close behind me. I know he's standing behind me; I can feel his presence even before he speaks or enters my line of vision. Part of me wants to tell him to leave me well enough alone, since he's made his choice and obviously doesn't want me. But another part of me, a bigger part of me, wants, craves, this small form of contact with him, even if we do spend the majority of the time we spend together screaming at one another. I suppose it simply shows that we care, in one way or another. We're sharp with one another, I'm sarcastic with him, although not altogether untrue in what I say. I try to get him to see sense, but he's still sharp with me, hissing at me with all that he's got. I hate it when he's like this. When it was just the two of us, together in my flat, I was sure that I'd seen the real Syed, the one he had to keep hidden from his family at all costs. But then, when I lay my hand over his heart and move it up to cup his face, I'm not so sure. The way he flinches away from my touch, tells me _'Don't you ever touch me again_', makes me second guess myself. What do I really know about him, after all? Other than what a fantastic lover he is? I think he'd keeping up this pretence for everyone else, but what if it was me he was pretending to? What if this is the real Syed, what if he was only playing me, seeing if he could get the gay man to fall for him and then watch him shatter on the floor?

Despite myself, I head back into the living room, just in time to see Syed putting the engagement ring onto Amira's finger. He crushes me again with his words, his promise of eternal love to her. He looks up from Amira, but I slip out of the room before he can notice me, and out of the house before anyone can stop me. I need a drink...

c~s

I've downed about 3 double vodka's before someone saunters their way over to me. I give him the quick once-over. He's of muscular build, with short fair hair, not a hint of a tan. Completely the opposite of Syed. Good. Maybe that's what I need to take my mind off him; some pointless one night stand with someone I really don't give a monkey's over. He's soon attempting to flirt with me, and while I attempt to flirt back, my heart's not really in it, but he doesn't seem to notice. Before I know what I'm doing with myself, after a few more glasses of vodka, I've invited him back to my flat, and am almost happy when he accepts. At this moment in time, I know that I'd do just about anything to try to get Syed out of my head, even if I might regret it in the morning.

c~s

I'm lying on the floor of my flat, willing for unconsciousness to drag me under. I'd been so consumed by the anger, the grief, so intoxicated by the alcohol, that I hadn't realised that I was in danger until it was too late. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to willing let this animal into my flat. Normally, I would have at least attempted to fight back, but I was so taken aback by the suddenness of his attack that I barely had time to think, never mind react. I can feel myself starting to slip towards the blackness, and the last thing I register is the sight of Syed's beautiful face...


	12. 29th July 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies again for the delay, no excuse, I'm just rubbish *hangs head***

**I'm going to upload a couple of chapters today, since I really want to get caught up with this and I'm about 2 years worth of scenes behind! This is chapter 3/4 that I will be uploading.  
**

**This chapter is the day after Christian's been attacked.  
**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

29th July 2009

After waking up on the floor, I managed to drag myself up into bed before passing out again, and when I woke this morning and glanced in the mirror, I knew I couldn't face anyone today. I still couldn't believe that I'd been so stupid as to let an attacked into my flat, willingly. I had been so mad at Syed, that I had wanted anything to block out the pain. Well, the pain was still here, just in a different form. I've heard my buzzer go off countless times this morning, but I haven't been able to face seeing anyone. Letting someone see me like this will just make it all seem even more real than it already does, and I'm not quite ready to face up to that yet. I don't want anyone's sympathy. I force myself out of bed to tend to my wounds, dreading what I know I will see in the mirror. It confirms my fears. The buzzer goes again, and I just pray for them to give up and go away. I don't want to see anyone today. Especially Syed. The last thing I need is his sympathy.

I turn back to my wounds, looking back in disbelief as I hear a key turn in the lock and see Ian entering my flat. I know he may be the landlord, but this has to be crossing the line. They way I'm feeling right now, he's lucky that he's married to my sister; I'm spoiling for a fight. He sees my face, my wounds, and his words of authority start to soften. He's never been my biggest fan, especially after everything with Steven, but I don't think he ever expected to see me looking like this. I beg him to go, and he surprises me by actually doing as I ask. I hope that he won't tell Jane about any of this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he will.

c~s

The buzzer goes off, and I groan internally. I should have known that Ian wouldn't have been able to resist telling Jane, even after I specifically told him not to. I sigh, buzzing her up and opening the main door of the flat for her. Maybe I should know better after what happened last night, but I can't find it in me to care anymore. I head into the kitchen, hoping to calm her down before she sees me, and am shocked to hear not Jane, but Syed, replying to me. He instantly crosses to me as I turn, and I allow him to gently look over my wounds. Syed's being kind and caring, and I just can't take it. I know it's not his fault, at least, the rational part of my mind does, but I have a hard part trying to get the angry, irrational side to accept that. Whereas he couldn't have been nicer to me, I find myself snapping at him, coming across short with him. Before I know I'm doing it, I start comparing him to my attacker, knowing even as I do it that I don't mean it. He reaches up to cup my face again, but I have to stop him. I know that, if I let him physically comfort me, it'll only cause me to break down, and I don't want to do that infront of him. He starts going on about going to the police, but I tell him to go.

As soon as he's gone, I feel the tears start to fall, and it takes a while before they stop.

c~s

Jane's just been round. I really didn't need her to be here, acting like Florence Nightingale, but that's what I got anyway. I was so mad at Ian for telling her, until she informed me that it was infact Syed who had told her. She said that he was upset about what had happened to me. Well, now he knew how I felt. But I was tired of being angry with him, I was tired of pushing him away all the time. It was at times like this that I needed him, needed anyone who would care enough. Syed clearly cared, even though he tried not to. I shake myself. It was thinking like that that had gotten me into this in the first place. I need to try to forget about Syed, and hopefully this will all just seem like a bad memory, eventually.

c~s

I don't think I'll ever be able to work Syed out. He comes across like he cares, like he wants something more than what we've got, and then when I try to take it further, he pulls away from me again. He's just left me again, and I could kick myself for forcing him away, if it wouldn't hurt me more than I already was hurting. He says that he cares, but whenever I try to get him to prove it to me, he closes himself off from me and clams up again. All I know right now is that he's hurt me way more than any attacker ever could. Somehow, he's gotten under my skin and into my thoughts and emotions. Where Syed's concerned, I'm pretty sure there's almost nothing he could ask of me that I wouldn't do for him. Even though he does emotionally beat me pretty much every day...

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**A/N: I was going to be posting four chapters today, but I have to shoot off now, so the fourth chapter will probably be uploaded tomorrow :) **

**xoxoxo  
**


	13. 31st July 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies again for the delay, no excuse, I'm just rubbish *hangs head***

**This chapter is the day Syed tries to get Christian to go to the police after his attack.  
**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

31st July 2009

I walk into the Unit and am immediately greeted by...silence. Neither Zainab nor Syed know what to say to me, apparently. Though, I can't say I blame them. What I said to Sy the last time I saw him...some of those things I said were just unforgivable. It was in the heat of the moment and I was angry with him, and was wanting to blame anyone - other than myself - for what had happened to me, but now, in the cold light of day, I had to admit that I was bang out of order. So the silence and avoiding stares looking at anything and everything but me, I had half expected from him. But Zainab, I had fully expected her to gloat, or in the very least the pretence of concern from her. But I got nothing. Do I really look that bad? I had looked in the mirror this morning and decided that, since it wasn't as bad as it had been, I would be able to go into work without the nervous stares. Apparently not.

Even after his mother leaves, and all the pretences can be dropped, Sy still keeps it going. I suppose he feels as uncomfortable around me as his mother, even though he has seen the worst of my injuries. Maybe he's scared Amira or Masood will walk in and catch him being that little bit too comforting and caring towards me for their liking. But he hasn't leapt in to defend her once I've bad-mouthed her, so maybe that's a sign of definite improvement...

c~s

How depressing has my life become? I'm single, pushing fourty, been beaten up by some self-hating poof, and now the local villian is even feeling sorry for me. But, since I'm not the type to turn down a free drink, no matter who's buying it, I agree to her offer of a drink and am nursing my pride, trying to avoid Janine's too-probing questions about the Mitchell family when my personal would-be Florence Nightingale walks in. I swear, it's like he has a Christian Clarke sensor attached to him, and always shows up at the time when I least want to see him. As is customary with him, he signals me outside, and, as is fast becoming customary for me, I drop everything and follow him, like a little puppy eager to please.

Someday, I promise myself, I will get out of this strange hold Syed has over me, even if it takes me the rest of my life.

Syed continues to confuse the hell out of me. One minute, he's pushing me away as though I carry some sort of deadly disease, the next minute, he's telling me he cares and trying to get close to me. I mean, I sort of get it. I really do. He's trying so hard to please everyone else, to be the person he thinks he should be, that's he's forgotten to listen to himself and be honest with himself and who he really is. I've seen who he really is, I'm one of the only people who has actually seen the real him. And the real Syed is beautiful. He's going on at me about going to the police again, and today, I can really see the care that he feels towards me in his eyes. He truly does want to be there for me, there's no hint of a lie in his eyes when he tells me that he'll come with me for moral support. And so I agree, thankful that _someone_ cares enough for me to support me through this.

c~s

We arrive at the police station, and I get cold feet. But Sy once again acts the caring, concerned...friend?...and I feel the confusion I feel around him increase. I try to find the right words to tell him how he makes me feel, but can't sum it up better than that. _Confused. _He wants to be there for me when I tell the police what happened to me, but I just don't think I could bare that. Because it's bad enough that he already feels guilty about what happened to me, _because of what I said to him, _but if he knows all the details of what exactly had happened to me that night, I think it would push his guilt into overdrive. I don't want him to feel any more guilty than he already does, despite how desperately I want him to be there by my side when I tell the police.

I want him to go, because even just standing here with him is making my resolve crumble. But because he's being the confusing Syed, he won't leave until he's seen me walk through that door. I love that he's acting so caring towards me today, but a part of me knows that this will all soon change; that he will soon go back to being the cold, indifferent Syed that I have come to know in recent weeks, instead of the Sy that I know is hidden in there somewhere. The Syed I'm seeing right now is sort of a cross between the two; not cold or indifferent, but not quite the Sy that he's shown to me. He's hiding something back, I just know it. But before I can stand there any longer and figure this out, I make myself turn and walk through the doors of the police station.

c~s

The police interrogation was very thorough, I'll give them that. It was almost as if I myself were the accused, and they were trying to work out the motive behind my actions. But then, not all police are gay-friendly, much like the rest of the world. All I really want to do, now that I'm walking back out the doors, is to collapse onto my sofa and watch some aimless rubbish on TV before ordering a takeaway and maybe getting a bit drunk, just because I'm feeling sorry for myself. But then I hear a voice behind me, and all of those plans fly out of the window. Now, all I want is to be able to go home and make love to the Sy only I know, but I'm aware that it will probably never happen.

_Well? _It's surprising how much one little word like that can completely change your entire outlook on things. Where things had seemed dreary and pointless before, now everything had a purpose, just because he had stayed outside, waiting for me to come out of the station. I can't actually believe that he's been waiting for me the whole time I was in there. It was the last thing I expected. But then again, Sy does have a habit of doing the things you least expect him to do. The look in his eyes right now...he seems so hesitant, so unsure, as though he could be ordered away at any moment.

And that's when I realise just what he was hiding back from me earlier. He didn't want to make himself the vulnerable Sy that only I knew because he was afraid that he was going to be rejected by me, the way he had so often rejected me. He didn't realise that the hold he had over me was so strong that I couldn't even consider the possibility of ever sending him away; it never even entered my mind. The idea of saying no to Sy was such a strange concept that I could hardly comprehend it.

_Are you gonna invite me home? _Another set of meaningless words, put together to mean something extraordinary. I could barely comprehend how happy thos few little words, strung together in that sentence, made me. My Sy was finally back, after all these weeks. And, what's more, this time he had invited himself back, he had initiated whatever was to follow between us. And just that little piece of knowledge made me swell with happiness. I didn't care that he would possibly go back to being cold, indifferent Syed tomorrow. All that mattered was that, right now, my Sy was back, and I was going to have that incredible experience of being with him once more.


	14. 1st August 2009

**Hi all!**

**Thought I'd post another couple of chapters since I've been rubbish lately :)**

**This one carries on the day after Syed takes Christian to the police station. Clearly something happened when Christian took Syed home, otherwise why mention it? :)  
**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

1st August 2009

For the first time in a few days, my first thought wasn't _I still can't believe I let myself get attacked._ It wasn't even _I wonder what crazy things are gonna happen between Sy and me today._ Last night, when Sy brought me back from the police station and saw the full extent of my bruises for the first time, I could see the look of pure horror on his face. I tried to cover it up as best as I could, tell him it didn't hurt that much, really. But I knew that he saw through me with every touch he gave me. But, despite the pain, I was grateful for his touch. It made me feel like I was more than a human punch bag. Sy made me feel so cherished, like if his touch was too hard, I would shatter in his hands.

The way he made love to me last night told me that I was cared about, that someone out there did care what happened to me, no matter what anyone else thought. He made me feel as though I was worth something; that I wasn't just some middle-aged Queen who was good for a beating every now and again.

He hadn't stayed the night, of course, I hadn't especially expected him to. But it still hurt slightly that he was gone when I woke up this morning. I knew he had to keep up the pretence for the sake of his family and his community, and I sort of respected that. It was good that he respected his faith enough to at least put on a show of living up to their values, even if it did make him a hypocrite in some ways. But at the same time, I resented him for not being able to be true to himself, and to me. I was almost crying out for him to wake up and realise that, somewhere down the line, no matter how far into the future, all of this was going to come out and he was going to end up hurting everyone around him. I just hoped that I could be there to pick up the shattered pieces of his life when it happened.

I sit up in bed, deciding that it's probably time to get up, but no sooner have I stood and wrapped my dressing gown around myself, there's an knock at my front door. I practically jump out of my skin, and find myself standing on my bed, pulling my dressing gown tighter around me as though it can shield me from whatever's outside my front door. I don't know how long it takes for me to calm myself down, but as I head over and look out of the window sometime later, I practically collapse onto the chair at the dining room table at the mere thought of venturing outside. My attacker is still out there, and every loud noise makes me think back to his attack, and I find myself too terrified to move for a long, long time...

* * *

**A/N: Sorry it's quite a short chapter, but there wasn't actually any Chryed on the 1st August 2009 episode, I just thought that I should show what some of Christian's thoughts may have been once Syed's been back in his bed once again :**

**Reviews make me happy (and update, sometimes :D)**

**xoxoxo  
**


	15. 17th August 2009

**Hi all!**

**This must be a first; posting on two consecutive days! I amaze myself sometimes!**

**Anyway, this chapter is set a few weeks later, when Christian is finding it hard to leave the house.**

**Enjoy!**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

17th August 2009

I've been holed up at home for weeks now. I just can't seem to get the attack out of my head. Everytime I think about getting dressed and venturing outside, my body starts to sweat and I glance nervously around me for a sign of danger. It's as though my fight-or-flight mode has been permanently set to 'flight', even when I'm inside my own bloody home. It's pathetic. A grown man shouldn't feel afraid in his own home, much less someone like me. I mean, it's not as though I wouldn't be able to defend myself, in a fair fight. But my attack has knocked all sense of reality out of my mind. Around every corner, I percieve there to be hiding people who want to hurt me, for no reason other than who I choose to have in my bed.

Sy has been my rock throughout all of this. He was the one who encouraged me to report the attack to the police, and he has been around to see me every day without fail since I locked myself away from the world. We haven't had sex every day, which surprised me, at first. Both me and Sy seemed perfectly content to just lay on the sofa with one another watching some pointless crap on TV, or talk about our lives, or even just sit in comfortable silence. These past few weeks have given me a taste of what a life with Sy could be like, and I crave to experience it some more.

c~s

The phone of my flat kept buzzing insistently, and I eventually gathered up enough courage to answer it. Sy had said that he wouldn't be over today, since his mother was hounding him about the wedding and he had to go to Mosque, but he might have been able to slip away for a few minutes. I was more than surprised to hear Roxy's agitated voice on the other end of the phone, and had had no choice but to let her in; now that she knew I was home, she would refuse to leave until I had talked to her. I was just glad that some of my more noticable bruises had faded.

Roxy had been going on and on about herself, her own little problems which weren't really _her _problems, but problems that were for others to deal with that she had decided to stick her oar into. I don't think she'd even realised that anything was wrong with me, until I'd snapped at her. I'd said some horrible things, but I'd had enough of her petty little problems. At least she wasn't afraid to walk out of her own front door.

She had softened towards me after that, and couldn't apologise enough for being a _rubbish mate_. I really wasn't bothered that she hadn't been to see me; I'd made Sy and Ian promise, on pain of abstinance (for Sy) and of death (for Ian), that they wouldn't tell anyone who didn't already know what had happened to me. And, since neither of them were exactly bosom buddies with Roxy, I had known that she wouldn't have found out from either of them. Or maybe she was just too wrapped up in her own little world to notice that anyone was mumbling about what had happened to the sad old Queen who lived at the bottom of the Square.

I decide to phone Sy and see if he can make it over. I don't even care if it's only for a few minutes. I want him to hold me and make me feel safe, like he's done countless times already this week. When he agrees to come over, it makes me happier than I've felt all day. It's strange, how much I've come to rely on one person in the past week. It's even more strange that I don't care how dependent on him I am. He's seen me at my lowest ebb; there's nothing that could happen to me that could make me feel more vulnerable and exposed to him than I already do. I look down at myself and decide that, since he's coming over, I should at the very least have a shower and attempt to put on some clothes. Even though, if I have my way, they will be discarded nonetheless...


	16. 20th August 2009

**Hi all!**

**Apologies that I haven't posted in a while, but I really haven't been in the mood for ficcing lately, and Christian's actions last week didn't exactly help matters!**

**Hoping that Chryed will return to the forefront again soon with the recent spoilers and updates from Brian Kirkwood!**

**Onward with the fic!**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

20th August 2009

Sy's been great these past few days. He's done my shopping for me, popped in whenever he can, and he's just _been there _for me. Which is more than I can say about Roxy. I don't even think that she's noticed that she hasn't seen me for a while. Sy popped over this morning before he went to work, even though Zainab was furious at him for daring to leave the house on the day of Tam's A-Level results. He's been my absolute rock.

Before Sy came over, the police had called, and told me that they'd caught the guy who'd beaten me. It had taken a weight off, I'll admit, but I still couldn't bring myself to actually set foot out of the flat. The attack had caught me so unawares, and it had really diminished the faith I had in all human beings. All except Sy. He's the only one I can trust, the only one who cares about this sad old Queen. He's been so caring and thoughtful, and he's really supported me. He's tried to encourage me to leave the flat, but everytime I think about it, I break out in a panic.

_I think you can do anything you decide to do...I think you're Superman._

His words ring through my head as I stand looking at my front door. The only obstacle between me and the outside world. I feel his hand clasped in mine, and it gives me courage. Courage I know will drop as soon as his hand does.

_If you do this thing...this thing I know you can do...I'll spend the night with you. The whole night._

Trust Syed to come up with an incentive he knows that I'll find hard to resist. He knows how desperate I am to wake up with him beside me. How I long to spend the night in his arms and not have to worry about when he'll get up and leave me. How much I hate waking up to a cold, empty bed. I take a breath, close my eyes and take a shaking step outside...

c~s

As soon as I get back into the flat, I collapse onto the ground with the door at my back. I did it. I ventured outside into the big, bad world, and came home relatively unscathed. The only thing which kept me in that shop was the fact that Sy was right outside if I needed him; that he would protect me if I needed it. Despite my reaction, the fact that I'm curled up against the door, shaking like a leaf, I feel a sense of pride. I managed to walk outside, my head held high - sort of - and I even managed to talk to someone who wasn't Sy.

c~s

I'm waiting for Sy right now. He says he's on his way. I still can't actually believe that he's going to stay the whole night. I was going to cook, before I realised that Sy was going for a meal to celebrate Tam's results. I managed to go to the chippy, all on my own. Sy'll be so proud of me, even if it is only down the stairs. It's all because of him; if he wasn't here, I'm sure I'd still be cooped up in the flat terrified on everyone and everything. I hear the buzzer go, and for once I'm not afraid. I know it's him, my Sy. I eagerly buzz him up, unable to wait an extra moment to begin the first night we'll spend together...


	17. 21st August 2009

**Hi all!**

**I'm aware of the need for updating this, given that I'm pretty much 2 years behind the events happening today. I'm going to try to update as fast as I can, to try to get caught up with present day. **

**Although I do like having the excuse to go back and watch old clips :P**

**Thanks for sticking with me!**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

21st August 2009

I couldn't really sleep last night. But, for a change, it wasn't because I _couldn't_ sleep, it was because I _didn't want_ to sleep. Falling asleep, for the brief time that I allowed myself, with Sy by my side was better than I'd ever thought possible. I had visions of what it would be like if we could always be like this; what it would be like if he could be brave and admit to everyone (and himself) how he really felt about me. Lying with him wrapped in my arms, like nothing could tear us apart...I wanted this feeling each and every day. But I knew it wasn't to be. I knew that I was second best in regards to his family and his faith, and in all honesty, I had been fine with that, I really had. Until last night, when I felt him get comfortable in my arms, snuggle up to me for the entire night. Now I knew that I couldn't cope with being second best for much longer. I needed him so much, it felt like I might burst. Especially after everything that's happened recently.

Even though we haven't been able to _do_ anything, what with it being Ramadan and all, just having him here, the company, the sight, sound, and feel of him, have brought me more pleasure than I can imagine. I had always thought that it was just sexual with him, but now I know different. It's not just the sex, although that does play a big part, I'll admit. It's just _him_ in general. The things he does, the things he says, the way he is with me. I can almost sense that this..._thing..._whatever the hell we're doing, is changing into something more than a sexual desire for him, something which I have scarcely imagined before.

I'm sitting on the chair by the bed, waiting for him to wake. The last thing I wanted was to move away from his body, but the call of nature eventually became too strong, and I returned to find him spread-eagled on my bed, and I didn't have the heart to wake him. So I've been sitting here for the last 45 minutes, knowing that he'll wake soon to eat before daylight. Right on cue, the alarm buzzes by my side, and I smile to myself as he jumps, instantly wide awake. He gets out of my bed, after being tangled in my sheets, wearing only his boxers, walking around as if he's lived here, with me, his entire life. He doesn't even ask permission to grab himself something to eat. He doesn't need to. He already knows what's mine is his, while he's here. I smile to myself as he makes himself busy, glancing at the clock and praying that we have time for one more snuggle together before he has to go to work.

c~s

The buzzer goes, and despite my venture into the outside world yesterday, I find that I'm still terrified. Not as terrified as I had been but still..._Scared._ I still find myself begging him to protect me from the unknown, even though I hate myself for it. I hate feeling this weak, I hate being made to feel like a prisoner in my own home, but I know that's what I'm turning into. Sy's incentive yesterday was enough for me to attempt to stand on my own two feet, to conquer my newly-discovered fear of the world, but now that it's over, there's no longer anything to intice me into leaving the safety of the flat. Or even letting anyone else _into_ it. Sy drops the phone, and I'm constantly put on edge. He doesn't know the sound of my attacker's voice, but the fact that he's now standing at the other side of the flat, as far away from the phone as he can get...it scares me. He looks at me, pleading with me with his eyes, and I reluctantly go to answer the phone.

But I've done it. I've answered the phone, let someone other than Sy or Roxy into the flat, and I can do nothing but smile at myself for this small victory.

c~s

It practically killed me to admit my weakness to Zainab, but with Sy in the other room, I somehow managed to find the strength to talk to her. It was as though knowing he was here with me was enough to give me the strength and the courage to the only woman who would ever scare me. Not so much in the sense of what she could do to me, but her sharp tongue was enough to make anybody flinch. Which is probably why I agreed to try to work today. Even with Sy's hand on my shoulder to offer some sort of encouragement wasn't enough to calm me at the prospect of going out again, not after how I reacted once I got back to the flat yesterday. But it was almost enough to give me some hope. Almost.

c~s

Being at work today was like an out-of-body experience. Sy's answer-machine message spurred me enough to make me get out of the flat and face up to the world. _I believe in you._ Those three words were enough to make me believe in myself, to make me realise how stupid I was being. I'd had one bad experience since living in Walford, and the person responsible was now behind bars. More than feeling stupid about how I'd been behaving, I was already anxious to see Sy again. The fact that he was waiting for me at the Unit was what spurred me on more than anything. He'd only just left a couple of hours before, and I was already eager to see his smiling face again. His answering smile was breathtaking when he saw me at the Unit. It filled me with the confidence I needed to be able to carry out the work Zainab had given to me.

I'm back in the flat now, and Sy's just been over and congratulated me on being able to go out by myself. Just a quick flying visit and a peck on the lips before he had to go home to eat, now that it was after sundown, and he was gone. But the brief five minute visit was enough. And now I know that I can leave the flat whenever I want to, that I won't end up having a panic attack in the middle of the street, or when a stranger comes up to talk to me, I feel so much better than I did just 24 hours ago. Maybe it's just Sy's presence, which I can still smell in the air like a burst of fragrance from an air freshener. I lie on my bed, pull his pillow to me and inhale his scent, with the feeling that things are going to turn out right for once...

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**Reviews are love :P**


	18. 15th September 2009

**Hi all!**

**Sorry for the big jump in dates, but I'm trying to stick to the canon, and there was no Christian in any of the epsidoes from 21st August - 10th Septempber 2009! How did we cope without him for so long?**

**Anyway, this chapter is when Christian finds out the you can still have...nookie during Ramadan, and as you can imagine, he's not a happy bunny!**

**Enjoy!**

**xoxoxo**

* * *

15th September 2009

It's been an excuisite torture for me the last few weeks, seeing Sy and not being able to properly _be_ with him. Our relationship - or whatever you could call it - had moved on from being simply physical, for me, at least, but it was still something I found extremely hard to cope with. I'd still seen him during Ramadan - both at work and back at the flat - but only being able to have a chaste kiss every now and then when my body was crying out for more was hard to deal with - I'd like to think it was hard for the both of us. Sy kept telling me it would be easier if we just avoided temptation altogether, but if I was honest with myself, not seeing him at all, even as chaste as we were being when we did see each other, would have been worse than having to restrain myself around him. My 20-year-old self (and even my 30-year-old self) would have laughed in my 37-year-old self's face if they could see me now - smitten with some guy who isn't even out of the closet. But no matter how hard it is to be with Sy right now, I know it's worth it.

Sy's even tried to convince me that it would be for the best if I miss Amira's housewarming party, but we get to spend so little time together as it is that i'd take just about anything to get to see him, even if we do have to be on our best behaviour and keep up the pretence. Truth be told, he's been acting more and more distant with me lately. I don't know if he thinks that I'm getting impatient in waiting for our sex-life to resume, if it's him that's getting impatient, and he's trying to keep his distance from me as much as possible, or if he's changing his mind about us again, but whatever the reason, he's certainly been blowing more cold than warm lately. Even when it's been just the two of us, in the privacy of the flat, he's been keen to avoid the extra contact that I've been so used to sharing with him lately. Maybe I'm just imagining things...

c~s

I turn up at Amira's party, despite Sy telling me I should stay away. Amira's my friend, despite everything I'm going through with Sy, and I can't let her down. At least, that's what I tell myself. I mean, I've been through worse to be with Sy, right? When he was proposing to Amira, and he all-but ripped my hope that he was going to come clean to pieces...Sy and Amira's engagement party, when I could barely stand to be in the same room as him, but I forced myself to be there, for the sake of keeping up appearences. And afterwards...I shudder that the thought and force myself to think down a different avenue; I'd be seeing Sy tonight, as distanced as I'd have to force myself to be from him, and that was worth the pain I'd feel at seeing him with Amira.

And then, quite by chance, Sy's cover was blown. Straight out of the horse's mouth. So to speak. Amira's words ring through my ears. _After dark, it's business as usual._ Just like that, my faith in Sy was ripped to shreds. Apparently, I wasn't as much of a God's Gift to men as I had thought. That was a huge blow to my ego, I have to admit. I started to wonder what it was this time that had made Sy blow cold all of a sudden, and more, what had made him feel like he had to _lie_ to me about it. I thought I'd always come across as quite open with him, not hiding how much I had enjoyed our time together, both our sexual encounters and the rest of the time we'd spent together in the last couple of weeks.

Maybe that was why I was in such a foul mood with everyone, Sy and Amira included, for the rest of the party. After the news I'd just been given, I didn't really feel in the party mood anymore. I was really just desperate to get Sy alone and demand an explanation from him. Now that the news had sunk in a bit more, I realised that, apart from my hurt ego, I was also _emotionally_ hurt by Sy's actions, which came as a huge shock to me, I can tell you. So maybe that's why I felt the need to confront him about it right there and then in the middle of the party. Because I'd thought that we'd been growing closer, emotionally. Sy had seen me when I was at my lowest, my most vulnerable, and I'd thought that he was starting to open up to me, too. I was sure that I'd felt a connection with him, and that our connection was starting to intensify more each day. Apparently, I'd been mistaken.

c~s

I'm sitting here waiting for him. The look of horror in his eyes when I'd pulled him up to talk to me at the party earlier, as though he was afraid that I was going to out him there and then...I can still see it when I close my eyes. At first, I'd tried to pretend that I was just sick of waiting til the end of Ramadam for sex. Which, alright, was partially true. But that wasn't the real reason why I was so hurt and upset with him. I was hurt that he'd lied to me about it, that he had thought that all he was to me was sex, end of story. When in fact it was fast becoming so much more than that. I wanted him to be open and honest with me, the way I tried to be open and honest with him. Then hearing from him that I was too full-on with him...that he couldn't breathe around me...that was the way I felt about him. I knew that this was fast turing into something more than a couple of sex-sessions every now and then. My head was desperately trying to stop my heart from speaking the truth about my feelings for Sy, but every now and then, little parts were slipping out, and I was finding it harder to keep my feelings for him under wraps. My heart was desperate for me to tell him that I could see myself falling for him. How, if we carried on the way we were going, I wouldn't be able to stop myself falling _in love_ with him. But my head was screaming at my heart to protect itself from the rejection which would surely come if I was to admit my feelings for him.

I had really believed that, this time, Sy wasn't going to let me down. I thought that he could see my desperation for him written all over my face, and some tiny part of my mind had thought that he would crumble and admit to me, and to himself, how he truly felt. But it seemed that he was going to let me down once again. I really don't know why I had come to expect any different from him, really. Everything was always done on his terms, and I was getting tired of it. At least, my head was. My heart was convinced that the pain was worth any amount of time I got to spend with him, even if he was going to run straight back to his pretence later. I sigh, getting up and clearing away the glasses I had laid out, planning on crawling into bed and feeling sorry for myself until I manage to fall to sleep.

There's a knock at my door, and my heart unwillingly leaps into my chest at the thought of him standing outside of it. We need to have a serious talk about where we stand with each other, I know, but to just hold Sy in my arms again, even for just a moment, after over a month without him, would be a great relief. I find it hard to hide my disappointment when I open the door to find, not Sy, but James. He was the last person I'd expected to see, especially how we'd ended things last time, with me making a pass at him when he was with someone. It was rubbish timing, I'll admit, but I always was too nice for my own good, and I just couldn't turn him away, so I reluctantly let him in, knowing I'd be in for a tale of someone else's heartache to add to my own, and that I'd have to be the supportive one when all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and let my own selfish misery wash over me. **  
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**Reviews are love :P**


	19. 16th September 2009

**Sorry for the lack of updates to this one!**

**With everything going on with Chryed at the moment, I haven't really felt like going back to all the angst of before the reunion!**

**Carries straight on from the last one!**

**xoxoxo**

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16th September 2009

James had stayed the night, even though I hadn't really felt like seeing anyone other than Sy. I had tried to play the cheerful host who was glad to see an old friend, and who was sympathetic over his friend's break-up, but in truth, all I could think of were ways to get rid of James should Sy eventually turn up. James had finally drifted off to sleep sometime after midnight, but I had remained awake a lot longer, hoping for the buzzer to go, or for the phone to ring or signal a text. But there had been no word from Sy by morning, and I was feeling so full of angst and anger for Sy that I hadn't wanted to cook or be a respectable host, so I had ushered James out for breakfast, the bitter part of me hoping that Sy would see us together and would feel the jealousy which I feel every day I have to see him with Amira. It was just a happy coincidence that Sy had happened to be outside at the precise moment that James and I had left the flat. I had known he was there before I'd seen him out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn't stop myself. I gave James my spare key and slung my arm around his shoulders, a fake smile plastered onto my face. I knew he'd seen me; I could feel the intensity of his stare on my back as we'd walked away. And a part of me was glad. Now he knew how it felt.

c~s

I should have known that he'd follow me into the café. And I was prepared for a whole range of excuses for why he hadn't shown last night. For why I'd have to be a shoulder to cry on rather than have him for company. But then I reprimand myself. James had needed me, and he'd always been there for me when I'd needed him. I hadn't counted on him sticking around when James came back, though. Much less introduce himself and start chatting to him as though they were life long friends. And I certainly hadn't expected him to agree when James invited him out for a drink with us later on that day. The two parts of my world were slowly starting to collide; the part which was strictly Sy's, and the show which I put on for the rest of the world. Lunch was going to be a fun affair. But perhaps I could turn it around and give Sy a taste of his own medicine...

c~s

When Sy walked in, I felt my heart skip a beat. Traitor. I was supposed to be teaching him a lesson. James had his arm around my shoulders, though, and my hand was caressing his thigh in a reassuring gesture, so I had hoped Sy would be none the wiser about our fake ''relationship''. But then my lies had been revealed when James had told Sy about his break-up, and about how we'd been friends for years. I could see the relief written all over Sy's face, though, and had to admit to myself that I was pleased that he was relieved. It showed that he felt something for me, even if it was just lust. Then Amira had walked in, and I had to notch my pretence up a gear. It was always harder to pretend when she was around, because she was usually all over Sy, just like I wanted to be. Sy looked uncomfortable when she had been saying that me and James made a good couple, and I was pleased. He knew as well as I did that it wasn't James I was interested in.

c~s

James is staying with me again tonight. I've tried to convince him to go home, that he's only making it harder for himself the longer he stays away, but I know that really I'm just being selfish. I just want to wallow in my own self pity and drink myself to sleep. Or call Sy and beg him to come over. Probably the latter. I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. I don't want to put my life on hold for Sy, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. Something tells me I've dug myself into a hole it's going to be hard to climb out of.


	20. 17th September 2009

**Hi everyone! (If anyone's still with me!)**

**I know I haven't update this one in a while, so I'm going to do a few chapters today. Starting with the 17th September 2009.**

**I needed my Christian fix since EE have taken him away from us for the time being, so I'm back to stalking the older episodes for a piece of him!**

**Hope it's OK!**

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17th September 2009

I can't believe him! I really can't! What gives him the right to mouth off about me behind my back to my oldest mate? He doesn't own me, I'm still a free agent. _He's _the one who can't decide what he really wants, _he's_ the one who's already attached to someone and is messing both of us around. I'm perfectly free to see whomever I like, and he doesn't get a say in it. If he doesn't like it, then he knows what he has to do. If he wants me to be exclusive to him, then all he has to do is leave her and we can be together properly. But I know, deep down, that I'll only ever be this dirty little secret to him, and any hopes I have of us shacking up together are only that - hopes and dreams that will never become reality. I sigh to myself, leaving the safe confines of my bathroom to be greeted by the sight of my best friend, tears in his eyes once again as he struggles to cope without his partner. I'd like to say that I know what he's going through, but I know that what I'm feeling probably barely scratches the surface of what he's feeling.

I walk into the Unit and he's there. Of course he is; he's like a ghost, stalking me everywhere I go. I know I need to suck it up and just get used to seeing him like this, when I want him so much but he won't let me have him. But I'm tired of running around and hiding from everyone. I want to shout it from the rooftops; "Syed Masood is mine, and no one else can have him!" but I know that I'll never be able to do that, as long as he's around the influence of his family, his faith, and everyone else telling him that it's wrong to be gay. He tries to defend what he did, what he said to James, but I know the real reason he didn't want James anywhere near me - he's jealous. I can see it written all over his face. Well, good. Maybe now he'll know what it feels like everytime I have to watch him with Amira. How it feels like my heart's being wrenched from my chest every single time he looks at her. Maybe he'll finally realise how much pain I'm in every single day. I point this out to him, and the look on his face makes my heart swell with the hope that this time he'll come through for me. For us.

c~s

I hated asking James to leave, especially since I was so vague about it, but if there was even the slightest chance that Sy was going to end it with Amira today, then I knew that I would need the place to myself tonight. I very much hoped that Sy wouldn't prove me wrong yet again, and that he would come up with the goods, this time. I felt awful kicking James out when he needed a mate so much, but I knew that I would do just about anything to have Sy in my life. That's what he'd turned me into; a pathetic man who'd kick out his best mate just to have him in my bed. I never thought I'd be one to pick a man over my mates, but I guess that was before I found Sy. Despite all of the warnings I've screamed to myself, where he's concerned all sense of reason seems to fly out the window, and almost without knowing it, I've started to care for him, maybe even fall for him. And for once, I don't even care about all of the baggage which will undoubtely come with him.

c~s

I feel like such an idiot as I leave the Vic. I should have known better than to hope that this time Syed would pull through for me. I have to start to realise that if it's a choice between me and his family and faith, I'll lose every single time. It's hard to make my heart listen, though, as it slowly starts to fall for him, against all my better judgement. I walk through my flat door, and as if my some great miracle, James is still here, full of apologies that he isn't gone yet. But right now, I can't really care less. The man I'm falling for will never be mine, and James seemed willing enough, if Syed hasn't put him off me too much. So what the hell. I'm a free agent, Syed doesn't get a say in who I do or don't see, not any more. So before I can change my mind, I pull James in for a kiss and try to let all of the trouble with Syed out of my mind.

Even if it is impossible when James's lips don't feel right against mine.


End file.

EastEnders, Drama, Romance