Harry Potter 1. Send Off

Twisted Kiss  
  
A crazy fic written by chocolate-freak  
  
First ever HP fanfic ever posted on this site, and I have one thing to say before I write it. *Ahem* I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! But not you....or you.....no,especially not you....or you either. But I do love YOU! *points to Fred Weasley*  
  
Anyway on with the ficcy.   
  
[a/n: Marina is one of my best friends, she'll be appearing throughout this fanfic to criticize me. *sighs* Alas alas 'tis a curse of being an author, you have to have a critic]  
  
Marina- JUST WRITE THE FIC BEFORE I HAVE TO HIT YOU!  
  
chocolate-freak- she does that alot, too. *winces as Marina whacks her with a really big Foodland coupon*  
  
Chapter One-  
  
Send Off!  
  
DISCLAIMER- I am a compulsive liar. I OWN HARRY POTTER MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!  
  
Marina- um. you get the idea. *whacks chocolate-freak back to her senses with a really big stapler*  
  
[Setting- The Invention Room in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes on a rainy night. Fred and George are playing angsty, depressive, mysterious music in the background. chocolate-freak grabs Crookshanks from out of a plot hole and throws him at them.]  
  
chocolate-freak- STOP THAT! this is supposed to be semi-making fun of slash fics, with lots of sunshine and rainbows and shagging males that have been twisted and tormented by your love potions to add to the dementedness of the plot when we're not focusing on the normal heterosexual couples!  
  
Fred- that sounds like a gay version of a Mary Sue.  
  
chocolate-freak- isn't that sort of what a slash fic IS????  
  
George- *considers this* and why don't any of the girls turn lesbians because of our potions?  
  
chocolate-freak- because that's not funny, that's sick and wrong. gay men are hilarious and common.  
  
Marina- stop appearing in the fic! you're the author! OUT! OUT! SHOO! *hits chocolate-freak with a Wal-Mart bag full of bricks*  
  
chocolate-freak- *pinches a bloody nose and disappears in a plot hole*  
  
Fred- right, anyway, she's a little funny in the head, isn't she?  
  
George- completely crackers.  
  
Fred- *cheerfully plunks a large wooden crate on the Invention Room floor* right then, all ready to ship to Hogwarts?  
  
George- of course, mate....we just have to be sure that all the WRONG people drink it.  
  
Fred- it wouldn't be funny otherwise. *makes clucking noises with his tongue and nine owls appear, he straps them to the box and pats the crate fondly before sending it off*  
  
George- *sniffs the box * urgh, essence of Weatherby. I pity the owls.  
  
[cheesy image of owls fluttering out into the night framed against the moon ensues. the box arrives at hogwarts....]  
  
Marina- you cut the story! you can't do that! you're supposed to give a detailed account of how the owls flew over the Muggle countryside and stuff!  
  
chocolate-freak- don't feel like it, don't care *Marina disappears momentarily in a plot hole*  
  
George- you like plot holes don't you???  
  
ANYWAY, on with the story.  
  
[the box arrives at hogwarts to be received by none other than....Albus Dumbledore, who is waiting at the top of the Astronomy tower to receive it!!!]  
  
Why would the Headmaster wish to wreak havoc apon his own school? What exactly did Fred and George make the potions from that it smells like Percy? Who---  
  
Marina- STOP ACTING ALL AUTHORY!!!  
  
chocolate-freak- fine then, anyway till next time folks! you'll find out then!  
  
Marina- and what else?  
  
chocolate-freak- oh yeah, i promise i'll make the next chapter better, this one was kind of short and I interfered alot. whups. anyway toodles *disappears into a plot hole* 


	2. Albus Gone Wrong

Twisted Kiss  
  
A crazy fic by chocolate-freak  
  
Chapter Two  
  
Albus Gone Wrong  
  
Hello again! Did you miss me?  
  
Marina- NO!  
  
chocolate-freak- *hisses at her* anyway THANK YOU BECKY13 FOR REVIEWING! and to answer your question, a mary sue is a sappy person who strolls along beaches and stuff in romance fics.  
  
Marina- you mean kind of like you?  
  
chocolate-freak- i'm allergic to Mary Sues!anyway, here's Chapter Two, on with the twistedness.  
  
Dumbledore- *takes the package away from the owls, who fly away as fast as they can, and who blames them?* Now for my evil plan to go into effect! mwa ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
Marina- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO DUMBLEDORE?  
  
chocolate-freak- i'm sick of him being this sweet old guy with all the answers and an aura of mysterious love around him, so i twisted his soul a little and turned him rotten.  
  
Marina- ^*$!!!@&%!!!!!  
  
chocolate-freak- i knew you'd take it well.anyway...  
  
Dumbledore- *shiftily walks down a few flights of stairs to the portrait of fruit that conceals the entrance to the kitchens. tickles the pear and walks through to were a large pot of Campbells Chicken Noodle Soup is boiling for tomorrow's lunch*  
  
Marina- do you REALLY think they serve Campbells at Hogwarts  
  
chocolate-freak- SHUT UP YOU'RE RUINING THE PLOT!!!!  
  
Dumbledore- *tips the contents of two bottles of Love Potionz into the pot and cackles insanely before walking back out the door. the fruit in the portrait begins to yell at him.*  
  
Pear in the Portrait- hey Albus! how's about you letting US tickle YOU for once!  
  
Dumbledore- don't be stupid, it's impossible to have a threesome with a picture of fruit.  
  
Banana in the Picture- we never said anything about a threesome, we wanted a sevensome.  
  
Dumbledore- well i suppose anything's possible!!!!  
  
Cherry in the Picture- that is soooooo kinky.  
  
Marina- YOU REALIZE SMALL CHILDREN COULD BE READING THIS!  
  
chocolate-freak- well i've got a sick mind, do you think that ever occurred to me?  
  
Marina-*thinks* no.  
  
Dumbledore- is it okay if Dobby joins us?  
  
Orange in the Picture- HOT DOG!  
  
chocolate-freak- erm, okie we're going to stop here.  
  
Marina- i should think so!  
  
chocolate-freak- okay, anyway. when we return it will be lunchtime at Hogwarts....and since I've got writers block I'm going to make the Love Potionz so that they make you fall in love with the first person you see because I haven't got any better ideas.  
  
Marina-*sarcastically* how original!  
  
chocolate-freak- LEAVE ME BE! okie, cya later, i have to go get my belly button pierced. byez!  
  
I COMMAND YOU TO REVIEW THIS PRETTIFUL STORY!!! :P 


	3. Mmmm Mmmmm Good!

Twisted Kiss  
  
A crazy fic by chocolate-freak  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Mmmm Mmmmm Good!  
  
chocolate-freak- PEOPLE LOVE ME! THEY REALLY LOVE ME! *points accusingly at Marina* YOU TOLD ME THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER LOVE ME!  
  
Marina- well they don't!  
  
chocolate-freak- shut up! i have reveiwers and YOU don't!  
  
Marina- not all of them like you.  
  
chocolate-freak- *is using the flames to toast a marshmallow* don't you know that hate is love?  
  
Marina- i was afraid of this.  
  
chocolate-freak- what?  
  
Marina- you turning into a hippie.  
  
chocolate-freak- *growls* anyway, whatever, here's chapter three. to all my reveiwers, I LOVE YA! not as much as fudge covered oreo cookies *drools* but almost.  
  
Marina- *bitch-slaps her*  
  
chocolate-freak- ow  
  
Marina- *pimp-slaps her*  
  
chocolate-freak- ow  
  
Marina- i'm running out of slaps...  
  
[The Next Day at Lunch]  
  
[Zoom in on the Slytherin table, where Draco, Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle are being immature (yet in Draco's case, sexy) little piggies. Oink.]  
  
Draco- *loudly, so all four tables can hear* and THEN i told father, I WANT A PONY! and would you believe it, he bought me one!  
  
Pansy- *oink, oink*   
  
Goyle- *takes a sip of his Campbell's and glances at Crabbe. Fancy love music plays and his eyes go all fluttery and crap.*  
  
Crabbe- duh, ponies are awesome  
  
Goyle- *takes his hand* duh, yeah  
  
Crabbe- duh, what are you doing?  
  
Draco- yeah, really? i thought you were straight...well, straight in the sense that you have no idea what anything sexual even is.  
  
Goyle- duh, let's go mate like rabbits  
  
Crabbe- duh, okay. *they duck under the table, random grunts and stupid chuckling noises are heard*  
  
Pansy- oh my.  
  
Draco- *takes a sip of Campbells and glances up at the staff table, laying eyes on Professor Sprout....*  
  
Marina- NO! SWITCH TO A DIFFERENT SCENE!  
  
chocolate-freak- yeesh, okay....  
  
[Care of Magical Creatures Class, Hagrid's Hut. Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy are missing.]  
  
Hagrid- *takes a sip of pina colada before he goes out to teach his class, which has been laced with Love Potion by none other than...*  
  
chocolate-freak- quick, play the drumroll!  
  
Marina- we don't have a drumroll, this is a low budget fic.  
  
chocolate-freak- *pounds on a table for a drumroll effect*  
  
*....ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!!*  
  
Marina- *more sarcasm* big surprise.  
  
Hagrid- *strolls outside and lays eyes on Hermione, fancy cheesy music plays and then there is a screeching noise.*  
  
Marina- what happened?  
  
chocolate-freak- tape player broke.  
  
Marina- *slaps herself in the forehead*  
  
Hermione- *squeay voice* hi, Hagrid!  
  
Marina- NO! DON'T GO THERE!  
  
chocolate-freak- oh, go there i will.  
  
Hagrid- 'ello, 'Ermione....how's about helping me bring out today's project from inside me hut?  
  
Hermione- *blissfully unaware* okay! *follows him into the hut*  
  
[HALF AN HOUR LATER]  
  
Ron- has class started yet?  
  
Harry- i think it has for Hermione....  
  
Marina- STOP! STOP STOP STOP!  
  
chocolate-freak- okay, fine. i hate you just so you know.  
  
Marina- the hate is mutually equal with moi.  
  
Harry- i'm going to go up the Greenhouses and see if Professor Sprout knows what's going on here...  
  
[At the Greenhouses]  
  
Ron- *knocks on the Greenhouse door* PROFESSOR?  
  
Harry- just go in. maybe she can't hear us.  
  
Ron- *opens the door, looks in, and immediately closes it, looking sick*  
  
Harry- what the? *glances in* oh god.  
  
Draco- want to join us?  
  
Sprout- *slurping noises*  
  
Marina- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!!!!  
  
chocolate-freak- i didn't write that.....  
  
Marina- then who did?  
  
chocolate-freak- maybe another one of my personalities.  
  
Marina- WHAT?  
  
chocolate-freak- well, today's monday. monday i have six personalities. saturday i have nine, and thursdays i have seven.   
  
Marina- okay. the fic has to end here cos Insane Authoress has to take a little trip to the mental ward escorted by me.  
  
chocolate-freak- ooh! do i get a pretty jacket that straps in the back?  
  
Marina- i think it might be necessary.  
  
I COMMAND YOU TO WORSHIP THIS MASTERPIECE OF LITERATURE BY REVIEWING IT! REVEIW! REVIEW! REVIEW! MWA HA HA HA! 


	4. Infected Lake

Twisted Kiss  
  
A crazy fic by chocolate-freak  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Infected Lake  
  
  
  
chocolate-freak- *is rocking back and forth humming to herself* oh, hi! well I'm back and I must say the mental ward suits me very well indeedy. isn't my hospital bracelet pretty?  
  
Marina- good lord, take me now *is holding a lightning rod*  
  
chocolate-freak- anyway, thanks to all my nice reviewers *pats the reviewers on the head and gives them each a cookie* thankies! I never thought anyone would like this fic, mostly because I wrote it in a state of delirium.  
  
Marina- you're ALWAYS in a state of delirium! *hits her with a dead fish*  
  
chocolate-freak- *eyes go wide and she twitches* dead fish...no....no, I hate dead fish......no! no!!!!!  
  
Harry- *has finally recovered from the scene at the greenhouses* I am never eating again.  
  
Ron- *pulls out a pie chart and puts on glasses* one hundred percent of statistics surveyed over three years show that if you don't eat... you'll get hungry.  
  
Harry- *mumbles incoherently* git.  
  
Ron- *thinks a bit* wait, how do we know that everyone is turning homosexual and horny and stuff because we ate the soup? we don't know that dumbledore (a/n: dumbledore shall be referred to from now on as 'sexy muskrat') put the Love Potionz in the soup. in fact we don't know about the Love Potionz at all yet....  
  
Harry- another one of Crazy Author's plot holes, I geuss.  
  
Ron- oh. okies.  
  
Harry- so now we must go on a daring and unplanned magical quest on the back of a purple unicorn named Alexander to reverse the Love Potionz!!!  
  
Ron- *is slurping some Campbell's soup out of one of those spiffy little plaid thermos things* uh huh. *tosses the thermos in the lake, where the giant squid snatches it*  
  
Harry- NO!!!! YOU STUPID !@#$$*^& GIT DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE!!!  
  
Ron- no. can we go hump I mean ride Alexander now?  
  
Harry- YOU GAVE THE FECKING SOUP TO THE GIANT (AND NOW HOMOSEXUAL) SQUID!!!  
  
Squid- *grabs some first year Hufflepuffs and drags them into the lake. we don't want to know what's going on down there.*  
  
Ron- *realization dawns on his face* ooooooh! whups. anyway i'm gonna go screw that purple unicorn you were talking about just cos that was the first thing I i saw after I ate the soup. toodlez Harry! *giggles*  
  
Harry- *grabs Marina's lightning rod*  
  
Marina- chocolate-freak! what are you doing? you can't have the hero kill himself!  
  
chocolate-freak- it always happens at angsty times like this, besides all good angsty fanfics have at least one suicide attempt.  
  
Marina- *sarcasm again* oh yes, this is a real GREAT fanfic.  
  
Squid- *tickles Marina seductively*  
  
Marina- ACK! UNHAND ME VILE FEIND!  
  
chocolate-freak- good squid. now go and wreak havoc apon the school. good girl!  
  
Marina- the squid is a lesbian?  
  
chocolate-freak- of course!  
  
Marina- GIVE MY LIGHTNING ROD BACK!  
  
Harry- *growls*  
  
Marina- on second thought, keep it.  
  
Squid- *scuttles into the Great Hall*  
  
Marina- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SQUIDS CAN'T LIVE OUT OF WATER AND THEY DON'T SCUTTLE!  
  
chocolate-freak- *matter of factly* plot hole.  
  
Marina- !@*&(?~))!!!!  
  
Squid- *carries off McGonagall*  
  
Harry- *desperately* what am i going to do? oh woe is me. i think i'll just go wallow in self pity. someone else can deal with this.  
  
Snape- *heroic French accent* I'll save you Minerva!.....tomorrow.  
  
chocolate-freak- cos my fingers are getting sore and i'm tired of typing.  
  
Marina- *more sarcasm, she's good at it* original excuse.  
  
chocolate-freak- why don't you ever hit me with a hammer or an anvil like a sensible person?  
  
Marina- we're all out, I took them with me to an interview with Oprah Winfrey and sadly she needed to be hit by those alot more than you do.  
  
chocolate-freak- oh. well anyway it's SNAPE TO THE RESCUE when we return! byez!  
  
REVIEW! I LIKE REVIEWS! REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY! AND YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I AM NOT HAPPY! YEE HEE HEE! 


	5. Super Snape

Twisted Kiss  
  
A crazy fic by chocolate-freak  
  
Chapter Five   
  
Super Snape  
  
  
  
chocolate-freak- *sniffs sadly* alas alas, this tis' the last chapter of Twisted Kiss.  
  
Marina- *has balloons and party hats* YAY!!!!  
  
chocolate-freak- *has a big paper list* these are the people i want to thank....my mom and dad for supporting me in my fanfic career, my brother for being a jackass and giving me the motivation to do this, Marina for putting up with me, my cat for keeping my feet warm while typing this, all my reveiwers and J.K. Rowling for getting used to the relentless torturing of her characters.  
  
Marina- *flicks through the reviews* i like this person. she says you should stop attempting to be funny and just quit writing.  
  
chocolate-freak- cha right! since when have i ever cared what other people say about me? oh and alot of you people think that me and Marina popping into the fic is confusing, so i found a solution. i'm going to keep doing it just to piss you off.  
  
Marina- *does the sign of the cross and prays that no one comes to her house and sets it on fire*  
  
chocolate-freak- *pushes a button on a remote and suddenly the fanfic appears on your pretty little computer screen*  
  
Snape- *goes down into the dungeons and into a small telephone booth *another plot hole* and comes out wearing a silver and green Superman outfit with a snake in the shape of an S on the front* SUPER SNAPE, AWAY!!!! *takes a gigantio leap and crashes through the ceiling of Hogwarts and over the lake, where a large group of people are standing, a few random people are being pulled into the lake and being gang raped by the squid cos i'm a sick little mongoose*  
  
Parvati Patil- LOOK UP IN THE SKY! it's a bird!  
  
Neville- it's a plane!  
  
Lupin- *appears out of nowhere* no, it's my slash partner!  
  
chocolate-freak- no, deary, it's Snape. Sirius is your slash partner. now get back in your kennel or i'll have to spank you for being a bad puppy.  
  
Dumbledore (Sexy Muskrat)- NO! IT'S SUPER SNAPE! *eyes Super Snape's skin tight costume up and down and whistles* and what a nice package he has.  
  
Super Snape- *his stunt harness breaks and he falls in a messy pile by the lake* ouch.  
  
Marina- he was supposed to land on his feet with a wooooosh and say in a manly voice 'now, where's the villain?'!!!!  
  
chocolate-freak- i told you, we have a budget on this fic and the stunt harness was from a yard sale at a trailer park.  
  
Super Snape- *gets up and waves* um, hi.   
  
Squid- *jumps out of the lake and roars, holding McGonagall in one feeler*  
  
Marina- tentacle.  
  
chocolate-freak- say what?  
  
Marina- squids have tentacles, not feelers.  
  
chocolate-freak- *ignores her*  
  
McGonagall- SEVERUS HELP MEEEEEEEEEE  
  
Snape- *looks at the squid* gee that sure is big.  
  
Parvati- that's what she said.  
  
Snape- ?  
  
Marina- *slaps Parvati* no, no, NO! i will not allow you to have any sexual innuendos in this fic!  
  
chocolate-freak- be a dear and shut up.  
  
Snape- FEAR NOT! I HAVE A SOLUTION!!!   
  
*Snape dips his filthy head into the lake, filling the water with hair grease and polluting it, all the little fishies and stuff immediately die but McGonall survives, don't ask how it's a plot hole*  
  
McGonagall-oh, thank you Severus!  
  
Snape- *still in heroic manly voice* All in a day's work, ma'am! *takes off*  
  
Neville- *swoons like a little girl* he's so dreamy.  
  
*happy music plays and we zoom out before seeing a last shot of Hogwarts*  
  
chocolate-freak-THE END!  
  
Marina- that totally sucked.  
  
chocolate-freak- till next time! i hope you all liked my story, i plan on writing more in the future, all about as crazy and twisted as this. lylas/b *mwahz!*  
  
Marina- *has a paintball gun and is dancing up and down anxiously*i've been wanting to do this the whole fic! you promised i could do it at the end! PLEASE!  
  
chocolate-freak- *sighs* go ahead.....  
  
Marina- *shoots chocolate-freak in the ass with the paintball gun*  
  
chocolate-freak- THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!  
  
Marina- *shoots her again*  
  
chocolate-freak- THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!  
  
Marina- *sighs blissfully and wipes a tear from her eye* i love this. anyway, bye bye y'all!  
  
If you liked Twisted Kiss here's some other hilarious fanfics you might like, okie?  
  
Swinging That Way-The Musical! by Sleather Chockers (Harry Potter)  
  
Ron Sings- The Twelve Days of Christmas by Harmonic Friction (Harry Potter)  
  
Survey Time! by Christina B. (Harry Potter)  
  
Stupid Hobbit and Stupid Quest by Kara (Lord of the Rings- it's at www.angelfire.com/ok5/alcathradiel/stupidhobbit.html )  
  
The Very Secret Diaries by (Lord of the Rings- )  
  
Lord of the Things-The Unofficial Script by numerous authors (Lord of the Rings- )  
  
This fanfic is dedicated to Gavin, Kimmie, Will_Yum, Dane, Wynne, Laura *poke*, KareBear, KellBell, Issa, Cassie, Rach, Larry/Lauren/Lola/Issa, Goody2Shoes, Little Nickie/Elvis, C-Dawgie, Schrec, McGrady, Aleya, J-Dawgie, Melissa, J-Puppie, Magster, Abbster, Fuzzie, Cooper, Colton/Colty, Alyzza, Brookie, Shannoness, Ninerz, Daisha, Natalie, Jess, C-Fishie, AshCan, and Bunnie, who are and will always be an inspiration to me in all things. I love you all!!! From The Wench 


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody