Kuroshitsuji 1. Chapter 1

Seba-chin and Claude were sitting in a tub spooning.

"I think your Bocchan gon die," Seba-chin pointed out to Claude. "U have to feed it food sometimes, like twice a day at LEAST."

"Ughhh I wish Alois would hurry up and die tho," Claude was Like. "I just want to get back to having sex with spiders, tbh," Claude was rolling a joint.

"Please don't do that in the tub in my house. Ciel can smell that, God," Sebi said. God was looking down on Sebi, thinking, "That is rly innaproprite."

"Look, I will teach you how to make tea for Alois," Sebi offered. "You just need more motivation. You have to set goals for urself. A weekly goal, a 5 year goal. Rite now you are an incontinent butler."

Ciel was knocking on the bathroom door. "SEBASTIAN! STOP READING ON THE TOILET AND CARRY ME TO THE KITCHEN!"

Sebi shoved Claude out the window naked and opened the door."But Bocchan u walked past the kitchen to get here, u could have just turned slightly to the left and been there."

Ciel bitch-slapped Sebi, "DEMONS DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO #2" ^_^

"I'm cold" Said Claude outside. When he got home, Alois had a lot of questions for him.

"Hi ur highness."

"Claude do you have spiders down there too-"

"Yes and they are contagious now bye"


	2. Chapter 2

Alois preceeded to spray white Cheese Whiz on the floor in a spiderweb pattern. Claude was internally screaming.

"Please Claude! PLEEASE I WILL LAY SPIDER EGGS FOR YOU! Two eggs and bacon! Don't leave me!" Alois was crying and groping on Claude's leg. Claude pushed his glasses up sexily. "Ew stop being a STD on my shoe."

"Claude, why don't you **LIKE** _like_ me? You'r eyhe only one who doesnt" Alois why?.  
>"I think of u more like..a fre...nch fry. A french fry that cries salty tears a lot." Said claude. [yeah ik this is the 1800s or 1900s but they probably had french fries even if they were just called potatoe strings or vertical potatoes or whatever.]<p>

"Listen," Claude whispered to one of the three triplets. "Bring this letter to Sebi's house for me." They obeyed. One triplet went to the front door, one to the back, and one to the side door, JUST THE WAY GRELL LIKES IT? Anyway, Sebi answered the door.

"Wooow who did your nails?," triplet was impressed with Sebi's goth manicure. "Oh I do them myself, I also do Ciel's nails and everyone elses nails you see in the show and manga." Triplet was so impressed that he forgot to deliver Claude's letter.

Emotional Dehydration ensued.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ugh god yes", alois was massaging claude's stash of spiders into his scalp. "Deeper, more more"

Meanwhile Seba-chin was getting Ciel dressed when he saw Claude casually knitting outside the window. "Claude...Shouldn't you be watching Alois?" Claude didn't reply or blink- HAVE YOU NOTICED HE NEVER BLINKS? ARENT HIS EYES DRY?

Maybe that's why they are purple.

Maybe Alois licks Claude's eyeballs to keep them dewy. Or he licks his own eyeballs because his tongue is long anyway. I think it is canon that Claude has spit eyeballs.

"Um :/ How about I teach you how to dress Alois?" Sebachin felt kinda annoyed. "You can practice on me"- he ripped off his whole tuxedo in one go and it disintigrated in flames from the hotness of being touched by Seba-chin's sxc gloved fingers. The only reason it didnt disintigrate before was because of being next to Seba-chin's icy tsundere heart.

"Look I already know how to do all that shit i just dont feel like it ok?im smart, i just dont apply myself." A chest hair peeked out from claude's shirt. Wait it was actually a spider leg, not a chest hair nvm.

"How can we make this more gay?" Thought Sebachin out loud.

"Invite the viscount", said Ciel

Hanna knocked on the window. "Great now all the gay tension just flew out the room" everyone moped. "that's why i hate hanna", said Claude.

"Wow this is getting kinda OOC," Alois put down his dolls of Claude, Ciel, and Sebastian made out of his tears and booty shorts lint pasted together.


	4. Chapter 4

"Why are you doing this to me?" Asked Claude, in a disinterested way.

"Becas I believe in your potential," Sebastian said in his way deep voice.

Claude had one foot in a bucket of corn kernels, another foot in a bucket of oatmeal, one hand in a bucket of milk, and his other hand in a bucket of hay.

"what can I even learn from this?" Claude would be losing his balance by now if he was human, but he was so balanced that spiders were playing pinball on his butt surface.

"Don't ask. Live the experience," Sebastian cradled Claude's pointy chin. Claude got a close-up look of his manicure. Then he bit Sebastian. Sebastian didn't blink because HE NEVER DOES and neither does Claude. So Claude started drinking his blood (?). He probably doesn't have blood but gatorade in his veins, since he has super powers.

"I'm feeling dehydrated," said Sebastian.

"I heard someone call me," Alois appeared at the doorway. "Someone is dehydrated? Is it CLAUDE?" Then he saw Claude being weird with the buckets, and he started laughing his a$$ off.

That actually made Claude mad. He stood up with his feet still in the buckets and threw knives and forks at Sebastian. A little old homeless lady rose out of the floorboards and ran to pick up the silverware. She later sold them to a pawn shop, even though they were engraved.

"Your bocchan is being insubordiante." Sebastian's voice got high pitched. "Sry I'm just going through puberty atm. It happens like ten times a day for demons."

"No wonder," said Alois.

Ciel found Pluto outside with all his dog fur shaved off and cat hair glued to him instead.


End file.

Kuroshitsuji, Angst, Romance