Phantom of the Opera 1. The Book in the Window

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Erik, sadly own the Sue, the "When life gets in your way" quote is from Luthien Noldor of Slytherin's profile.

**Dedication:** To the Clarineteer, who was the only person to review my fic "Phantasy and Reality". Thanx!

**A/N: **Happy 2007, everyone! My first upload of the year! R&R, the next chappie will be better... Written while I was high on old candy canes.

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**So Last Century: The Book in the Window**

_She tugged on the zipper of the pink designer skirt. _Damn thing! _It was stuck… It must be! There was something terribly wrong with this skirt!_

_A manicured shop assistant wandered by, looking vaguely concerned at the sounds of fierce exertion emitting from the dressing room. _"Excuse me ma'am," _she said in a helpful monotone. _"You've been in there quite some time…"

Stupid woman… leave me alone! _thought the panting young woman crossly. Her palms were damp with sweat, she panted from the strain, and… was a lock of her floaty angelic tresses _drooping?

_Occupied as she was, she never could have seen it coming. What the shop assistant said next chilled her to the very bone, made her experience real terror._

"Ma'am? Are you sure you wouldn't like to try a size two?"

OooOOo

Lizella Marcia Jasmine Susana Hazel Mansfield Rochester Truman Roseheart III pierced the night with a bloodcurdling shriek as she leapt out of her luxury water bed, landed on the plush carpet, and yanked open (well she would never be so undignified as to _yank_)… flung open the mahogany doors to her well-stocked, tasteful, and comfortingly size zero wardrobe.

Gradually, her breathing slowed to normal… she calmed herself by looking in the mirror at the vision of beauty that had so suddenly arisen from deepest slumber. Her shape was perfect down to the last toenail, her eyes were arresting (if almost unnaturally large), and her hair was not merely the plain blond that so many women wear…

No, her hair was a starlit fantasy of pale waves, the envy of every woman within miles.

She turned, surveying the luxury suite that was her domain. Two thoughts occurred to her. One was _Man, I ought to put that king sized bed to more use… I just can't imagine why no one's keen to get in it… _and the other was of the one thing she didn't have.

The Phantom of the Opera.

Well of course, she had bullied the film version out of her parents, but every girl with a brain had _that_.

_She_ wanted the real thing. The genuine Phantom of the Opera. She could share the pain of a deprived childhood with him… If there was one thing she was good at, it was childhood angst.

That… and seducing people. It was just that she was too virtuous to lead that many men astray. Right?

So anyway… she could provide nurturing and love to the poor man… as long as he matched the outfits she had just bought.

The problem was, she didn't know how to get into The Phantom of the Opera. Word was, common Mary Sues were doing it all the time nowadays. If she didn't hurry, he would be miserably married to some other girl, and then where would she be?

Liz pouted as she got ready for battle in a revealing white top, a pink miniskirt (it fit perfectly), and a pair of shiny black high heels.

Well, she might as well start her quest.

A very wise person had once told her "When life gets in your way, be a girl and shove it down the stairs!"

That… or she had just seen it on someone's fanfic profile.

She wasn't exactly sure what it had to do with the situation, but it had a snappy ring to it.

Liz decided that the wisest course of action would be to wander through the city streets looking for a way into The Phantom of the Opera… as wise as wandering through the city streets on New Year's Day while wearing high heels could be.

OoooOOo

She had been wandering for about an hour without luck when she finally slammed into another person.

"Watch where you're going!" Liz shrieked. "You almost ruined my hair!"

The Clarineteer straightened up. She DID NOT like being slammed into... or having small objects thrown at her, but that's another story…

Clari narrowed her eyes while Liz stood there looking –insert one of 57 synonyms for beautiful here-.

"Hey…" Clari asked thoughtfully, "why are you wearing last year's shoes?"

Liz turned pale. "I… I haven't had time to buy new ones yet!" she stammered. Then, she turned and ran for it.

Clari shook her head. _Running in five inch heels… definitely a Sue_ she thought, getting her friend Sword Pen on the line.

"I think there's another one coming your way. Be on lookout… you can't miss her." Before Penny could give a lecture about alcohol being the root of all evil, she hung up.

ooOOoOo

Meanwhile, Liz had stopped outside a bookstore. It wasn't as if she was out of breath (she was _never _out of breath) it was just… that the danger… had passed… for now…

Normally, she never would have looked in a bookstore window, but almost as if by magic, her eyes were drawn to a large, hardback volume labeled _The Phantom of the Opera_.

_There's a BOOK now?_ she thought incredulously. She knew they had made a stage version out of the _highly successful_ movie, but the idea of a book was something entirely new to her.

One thing was certain, she had been given a gift by divine providence… now what the hell was she supposed to do with it?


	2. So Last Century

**Disclaimer:** If having Erik tied up in my closet counts as owning him... I don't. The Clarineteer's lines belong to her.

**A/N: **R&R. _I _may be under the influence of MarySueticals... who knows!

**Dediction: **Kinetic Asparagus and Miss Anderton for reviewing "Phantasy and Reality"

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**So Last Century: So Last Century**

Blissfully unaware of what was in store, Liz (who in the time since the last update had changed her name to Skye, 'cuz it was a sexier name) was using her Renowned Powers of Intellect to decipher the puzzle.

Because of her Renowned Powers of Intellect, she would have been able to read the book in less than five minutes, but she already knew the story, anyway!

Thinking a moment longer, Skye had a sudden revelation. Ignoring the store manager's cry of protest, she swung the heavy tome up and around and cracked herself over the head.

-oOo-

The store employees, forgetting that Skye had just knocked over and ruined an entire display case, began to cry for an ambulance. The shopkeeper fell to his knees, sobbing and began to beg forgiveness from the unconscious maiden for crimes heinous, but yet unknown.

"Someone's mind is under the influence of pharmaceuticals, if you know what I mean," Clari remarked dryly to Puppyelf, the two of them having just caught up.

"Nah," Elvie answered. "I think it's more MarySueticals, if you know what _I_ mean."

Everyone watched in awe as the totally hawt and gorgeous girl began to sparkle and she totally beautiful and yeah…

"OMG! Shez disappearing!" some random freak from the crowd said.

Then everyone, having nothing better to do, watched some more as Skye gracefully faded away, looking totally sexay…

"Oh, please," The Clarineteer sniffed. "Cut the crap."

The two undercover agents were then chased from the scene by a mob of love-struck young men (and quite a few women, but we won't go there).

"Elvie," Clari cried angstily, "why does everyone hate me so?!"

Puppyelf thought for a moment. "Um…"

Clari fixed her with a dark glare. "It was a rhetorical question."

-oOo-

Meanwhile, over 100 years away, Skye was gradually coming to her senses. She stumbled to her feet with a little less than her usual charm and grace, but hey, she'd just hit herself over the head with a very large object. Damn, she'd had no idea books could be that _heavy…_

Glancing around, she spied a guy in a black mask and cape hurrying toward a large building a little way away.

"OmG! PHANTOM!11" she cried in delight, throwing her arms around him. The man turned, and as he lifted his mask and pulled away in irritation, she saw it was not her true love at all, but just some random Londoner… Parisian… whatever.

"Ach!" she grumbled musically. "How many guys in masks can be running around London… Paris… whatever?"

"Quite a lot when you consider that it's the night of a masquerade."

Skye turned to see a young woman coming down the steps of the large, well-lit building. She froze in horror. Were those_ hairpins_ in her unruly red hair? Her face was slightly too round and normal-looking and the long dress she was wearing was so… _last century_.

She patted her own blonde tresses and angelic face nervously. Reassured, she forgot her earlier trepidation and called, "Oooh! You can be my sidekick! Like, hello BFF!111"

The girl said something like, "Sorry, I've already got four BFFs each begging to be the one to kill you in my fic", but Skye plowed on.

"My name is Lizella Marcia Jasmine Susana Hazel Mansfield Rochester Truman Roseheart III, but you can call me Skye," she beamed.

"Puedes llamarme tu asesina," the other girl muttered under her breath. The beaming almost as brightly, she said, "My name is Sword Pen."

"Ugh! I'll just have to be glamorous for both of us, then."

Ignoring the impulse to show "Skye" just how painful a fountain pen between the ribs could be, Penny said, "Tonta."

"Huh? I don't speak German."

"Neither do I," Penny said with a slight edge to her cheerful monotone. _Watch it!_ She reminded herself. _¡Limita tus comentarios negativos a español! _

"So anyway, I've like come here to find my true love."

"Really?" _Y voy a pararte. _

"Yeah, like according to all the fanfic, he sees how totally hawt I am and then he comes over in his sexay tight pants and saves me from the darkness and despair of my dark existence."

She noticed that the lame sidekick's smile had become rather fixed. "I assume you're looking for Erik?"

"No, silly!" Skye laughed. "I'm looking for the Phantom of the Opera!"

Sword Pen gagged. _Shit! This is a crisis!_ As she ran inside, Skye thought she looked rather green. It often happened to the lesser women around her.

Following Penny into the Paris Opera House, Skye continued her search. Her darling ought to be the hottest guy in the room. Her huge sapphire eyes sweeping the scene, Skye found her target.

-oOo-

Translations:

Puedes llamarme tu asesina- "You can call me your murderer."

Tonta- "Stupid."

_¡Limita tus comentarios negativos a español!_- "Limit your negative comments to Spanish!"

_Y voy a pararte._- "And I am going to stop you."

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**A/N: **Killey- fave this and I'll put you in. XD Hi Elvie, hi Suebee!


	3. Always Keep an Axe Handy

If you get past the first part, I think this is one of my better chapters...

**Disclaimer: **I'll quote here:

**Roses are red,**

**Violets are Blue,**

**I do not own PotO**

**And neither do you!**

**-WanderingTeen, "Song Parodies!"**

**Dedication:** To Lord of the Bees who kept bugging me to update. And to my grand total of two loyal fans. And to The Clarineteer, Bastakils, Puppyelf, and Danseur de Lame, just for the heck of it. XD

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**So Last Century: Note to Self: Always Keep an Axe Handy**

**The Most Strict and Severe Code of Phantom Phanatics**

1. You're sick in bed with a severe sore throat, and Phantom of the Opera is on TV. You… sing along, of course! (At the top of your lungs, in a more strained and highly off-key voice than usual)

2. You're playing the French version of Phantom, but you can't speak French. Due to your natural inclination you… sing along, of course… in English, creating a sound equivalent to a deaf cat playing the violin!

3. After reading Leroux's novel, you pledge war against people with noses… until you realize that no, you are not Erik's Living Bride and that you happen to have one yourself…

4. You don't give a damn about the strange looks you get through following the above rules.

-oOo-

Sword Pen was guilty of all of the above, especially the last. So guilty, in fact, that you might have thought her fearless. However, as she plunged back into the Paris Opera House, nothing could have been further from the truth. _"Clueless" might be more like it…_

Although she had been dealing with Mary Sues for less than a year, Penny didn't like to admit her inexperience. But sometimes… and she was fairly sure this was one of those times… she just had to. _Why do I put myself through this?_ She wondered. She knew the answer. _Because you're the most fearless and unabashedly obsessed PhanGirl we have._

Right. Tell that to her squirming stomach. So what if she followed the code? She was sure that Lizella Marcia Jasmine Susana Hazel Mansfield Rochester Truman Roseheart III followed it as well…

Except for Rule 3. No one who whore… oops that was a typo… or not… anyway, no one who _**wore**_ negative-sized pink miniskirts in the nineteenth century had definitely never read Leroux, or Kay, or anything to do with common sense for that matter…

_Okay, wonderful conclusion, but it still leaves me with the question of WHAT TO DO!_ Half tripping over her skirts, Penny flounced over to a chair by the side of the dancers, and proceeded to pout, ponder, and kick off her shoes.

-oOo-

Skye sailed into the Opera Populaire, her large, lustrous, and (you guessed it) lustful sapphire eyes locking onto her target like two sparkling, diamond-ish, saucer-sized lasers. She totally fanaticized… fantasized… whatever… about the awesome life she was gonna have with her shrouded sex-god. She would sit in his manly lap and listen to him declare his non-existent… ahem… non-dying love for her in his voluptuous voice.

Skye paused here, having a temporary mental overload. Where was she? Oh, yeah! Well, she would say "OMg! Phantom1111 you are just to sexay for your shirt!" Hey, it's not her fault that she watched Shrek 2 to an obsessive extent! Maybe she could ask her love and him and her and Charming could have a three-way sometime… hmm…

Anyways, and then, they would totally… you know… tee hee…

"STOP THIS NONSENSE, NOW!" A tall young woman stormed into the room, earning vaguely puzzled stares from many of the dancing couples. "I'm Lord of the Bees, of the literary police of the order of axes, and I demand that you cut the crap and get on with Penny's story!"

On the side lines, Sword Pen wondered what was more surprising, that most people were ignoring Suebee, or that she had just been annoyed enough to use a curse word.

_Definitely the latter,_ she thought, as she shouted, "Bye, Suebee! You don't come in for two more chapters!"

The esteemed Lord attempted to drown her out, as she disappeared, shouting, "And quit with the alliteration! It's getting on my freakin' nerves…"

When she had disappeared fully, Penny realized the full extent of what she had just done. _Oh shit. Why did I banish the person with the axe?_

Just then, an exasperated voice behind her muttered, "God! What part of 'You alone can make my song take flight don't they understand?!"

She turned, alarmed…

-oOo-

Right, now that the interruption had been cleared up, Skye could get back to her love life! The part we all so enjoy hearing so much about!

Stalking with a seductive swagger, she started toward her prey, pushing aside some silly girl in a domino.

Striking her most sexy stance, she forgot to notice that he was _not_ wearing a whit a half-mask, finding herself fascinated by his little blonde mustache…

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**A/N:** Ooh a cliffie! I don't think I've had this much fun in years…alliteration is always amusing… thank you Suebee! I decided to put you in early 'cause you've had to wait so long! Anyway, my grand total of three or so reviewers, what do you think of the inserts I'm doing? Too confusing? Is Penny too much of a Mary-Sue? And what do you think of Skye? XD 


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Phantom of the Opera, Humor, Parody