Janet Evanovich Burg Gone Wild

**This one shot was done as an answer to Got2BaBabeFan's challenge in the story Rumors, with a little challenge from Margaret added to the pot. Hopefully y'all like it, I had fun writing it!**

**All the characters belong to JE. The mistakes, of course, are mine.**

I never realized exactly how crazy my life was until I took a step back. My name is Stephanie Plum and I'm a Bond Enforcement Agent. That's a bounty hunter in case you didn't know. Shortly after New Year's Eve, there was a problem in the Miami office of Rangeman. Ranger asked me to go with him to help. He needed my "spidey sense", and I guess I needed to be needed. Since Joe and I broke it off permanently, the only things I had to look forward to here were rolling in frozen garbage with skips and dinners listening to my mother bemoan my lack of a love life.

We had cleaned house in the Miami office the first week. I could have gone home, but I was having fun spending quality time with Julie and the beach. I even helped Silvio do searches. The best part was nights with Ranger. That was probably the biggest reason we stayed nearly a month and a half.

We finally came home the day before Valentine's Day. Ranger was going to spend the morning getting caught up on paperwork, and I was going to talk to a few people and tie up some loose ends. My first stop was Tasty Pastry, where I was going to pick up some donuts to take to the bonds office. As soon as I walked in the door, a hush fell over the place. The crowd parted and I found myself face to face with Bella Morelli. She pointed a bony finger at me. "You broke my Joey's heart for the last time. I'm gonna put the eye on you. I heard he spends all his time with that mob girl because of you. He hasn't come to see his mother or grandmother for weeks."

I really wished I could close my eyes and be back at the beach. "Bella, if he was brokenhearted, he wouldn't be spending all his time with Terri Gilman. I haven't even been here since New Year's, so I have no idea what Joe is up to. He broke up with me before Christmas so that he didn't have to get me a present. He's not my responsibility anymore." There was a collective gasp from the onlookers. I guess that's not what Joe has been telling everyone. Bella sputtered and walked out. The best part of that trip was the fact that the cashier gave me my donuts for free. She appreciated the entertainment.

When I walked into the bonds office, the first thing I noticed was the hot pink cast Lula was sporting. "What happened?"

Lula jumped up and grabbed the donut box. "Girl, I'm so glad you're back! This place has been going nuts without you. I've been trying to pick up the slack myself, but I got incapacitated."

"Who did that to you?"

Connie snorted a laugh. "Go ahead and tell her."

Lula glared at Connie then turned back to Stephanie. "I was picking up Mooner."

"Mooner ran away from you?"

Lula looked sheepish. "Not exactly. We were eating brownies and watching a Brady Bunch marathon. When Marcia got hit in the nose with the football, I jerked backwards and fell off the couch. I guess I had eaten more brownies than I thought. Mooner brought me to the hospital and the rest is history."

Connie was laughing so hard tears were leaking from her eyes. "That story get funnier every time you tell it."

I was concerned, but she looked like she would be okay. "Who's been picking up skips?"

Connie looked at Vinnie's door. "He has."

I couldn't hide my shock. "WHAT?"

Connie blew on her nails. "It's kind of an open secret, but Lucille threw him out again. He's been sleeping here in the office and picking up his own skips. I think He's afraid Harry the Hammer is going to call in the loan, so he's saving every penny he can. Word on the street is that she caught him with Barnyard."

Lula's eyes got as big as saucers. "It was Vinnie that hot caught with Barnyard?"

Connie looked surprised. "I thought you knew."

Lula started edging towards the door. "Nuh-unh. If you'll excuse me, I think I got a doctor's appointment."

I ran and blocked the door. "Why do you look scared all of the sudden?"

Lula shook her head. "I ain't scared. I just don't like doctors. They're almost as bad as cops. They give me the Heebie-jeebies."

I shook my head. "That's not it. You're not leaving until you tell me what's up."

Lula looked at the floor. "I might have heard from Lorelei at the beauty parlor that she heard it was Eddie Gazarra that was banging Barnyard."

"Lula, that's ridiculous. Everyone knows that Eddie loves my cousin Shirley the whiner. You'd have to be nuts to think he'd cheat on her with Joyce. Besides, he doesn't have enough money to interest Joyce in the least."

Lula refused to look up. "Well, it sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Your granny didn't think…"

"You told Grandma Mazur?"

Lula just nodded, still not looking up. Connie said, "So that's why he's been staying at your apartment. I heard he was dating Morelli, but I couldn't quite picture it."

I finally had enough. I ran my hands through my hair and glared at my "friends". "You know, _Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots._ I just want the two of you to think about all you've done to spread this mess, I'm going to fix things." I grabbed the rest of my donuts and left.

My first stop was Lucille's house. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but I had to start somewhere. Lucille answered the door looking like she had been in a car accident. There were bandages on her face and she was moving slowly. I was immediately concerned. "Are you okay, Lucille?"

She led me to her kitchen, and we sat at the table. There were tears in her eyes when she told me what was going on. "Vinnie left me because of my snoring. It was so bad that he's been sleeping in his office so that he can get a good night's rest."

"That toad!"

Lucille gave me a watery smile. "No, he really did me a favor. After he left, I went to a doctor. It turns out that I had a deviated septum. I had the surgery this morning to fix it. Maybe now he can come home where he belongs."

I patted her hand. "Do you want me to call him for you?"

Before she could answer, the back door opened and Vinnie walked in. He was holding a paper bag and a dozen roses. I don't think he even saw me as he raced to Lucille's side. "Are you okay, Lucy? Mary from admitting called me with a question about your insurance. I was worried half to death about you. By the time I got there, you had already left, so I picked you up your favorite soup and came right home."

I knew I wasn't needed anymore, so I stood to leave. Vinnie walked me to the door so that Lucille didn't have to get up. When we got there I said, "I went to the office to tell you I couldn't work for you anymore, but if you need help until you get someone else, I'll be there on Monday."

Vinnie ruffled my hair. "Nah, I saw this coming. I have a new guy starting Monday. He has a solid background as a BEA. We'll be fine."

I almost couldn't believe it was that easy. "Thank you for giving me a job when I needed it."

He took my hand. "Thank you for blackmailing me into giving you a job." We both laughed. "I'm going to miss you around the office. You did a good job, Steph."

Hearing him say that to me gave me a huge boost. It wasn't as good as when Ranger tells me that he's proud of me, but it was nice.

I don't know if I fixed anything, but Vinnie and Lucille were together, so I crossed them off my list. My next stop was my cousin Shirley's house.

Shirley and Eddie live in a nice duplex right in the heart of the Burg. Shirley answered the door with her toddler hanging on her hip. I cringed when she whined, "Why are you here? Haven't you helped ruin my life enough?"

I pushed past her and sat on the couch. "Shirley, tell me what's going on. All I've heard are weird rumors, and I want to know the truth."

She sat next to me. "You let Eddie move in with you and you don't know what's going on?"

I blew out a frustrated breath. "Shirley, I haven't been home in over a month. I didn't know he moved in until this morning. Everyone in the universe just lets themselves right in to my apartment, why should Eddie be any different? Now, tell me what he did so I can fix it."

Shirley started to sniffle. "I don't know if you can fix it. Grandma Mazur told me that he slept with Joyce Barnhardt."

Man, does her whining get on my nerves. Still, Eddie loves her and she loves him, so I have to get them back together. "What did Eddie say when you confronted him?"

A tear leaked out of her eye. "I don't want to talk to him. I can't even look at him without thinking about that skank. I just left his clothes outside and went to my mother's until he was gone."

I grabbed my phone out of my purse. "Okay, here's the deal. Grandma Mazur can be a few sandwiches shy of a picnic sometimes. The wrong person said the wrong thing to her, but I'm putting a stop to it right now. I'm calling Eddie, and I want you to listen. No matter what you hear, you keep it zipped. Got it?"

She nodded and mimicked zipping her lip and throwing away the key. I rolled my eyes and she put the toddler in front of the TV so that we could get this over with. I called my apartment and Eddie answered my phone. "Hello?"

"Eddie, what the hell are you doing in my apartment?"

I could hear the hesitation in his voice. "Oh, hey, Steph. Funny thing, really. Shirley threw me out and I had nowhere to go. No one had seen you for weeks, so I figured you wouldn't mind if I kinda hang out here for a bit."

"What do you mean, Shirley threw you out? What did you do?"

"I have no idea, Steph. I came home from work and all my clothes were in the front yard. The neighbor told me that Shirley said I was moving. She won't even talk to me."

"Okay, I'm only going to ask this once. Did you sleep with Joyce Barnhardt?"

"Joyce? Are you kidding me? I wouldn't touch that skank with Morelli's Dick."

I heard him pull the phone away and talk to someone else. "Eddie, who's there with you?"

"Um."

"Eddie, you're about two minutes from having me drive over there and personally beating the crap out of you."

"All right. If you want to know the truth, Joe's here. We're watching the game."

I felt like I was going to pop an aneurysm. "Let me get this straight. You moved yourself into my apartment without my permission, and invited my ex-boyfriend over to watch the game? Are you freaking nuts? Put him on the phone now, Eddie, or I swear I will make you pay for this."

There was a thump and another muffled conversation. Finally the phone was picked up and Joe was on the line. "Hey, cupcake. Where are you?"

If I could have reached through the phone line, I would have choked him. "Why are you at my apartment?"

"Well, I came over last week to apologize and Eddie was here. He told me that you haven't been there for a month. We've been hanging out. Nobody bothers me when I'm here."

I did a mental head slap. Great, the Odd Couple is living in my apartment.. "Put Eddie back on the phone." Before he could hand the phone back over I yelled, "And call your mother. She's worried about you."

When Eddie was on the line, I got to the point. "I'm going to fix your problem with Shirley. Give me a half an hour, then call her. If my place is a mess when I get home, I'm holding you responsible." He promised to clean up, and I ended the call. Shirley was crying and smiling. I asked, "You believe him, right?"

She nodded and hugged me. "Thank you, Stephanie. I don't know what I was going to do without him."

I patted her on the back. "Next time you hear a rumor, ask him before you do something you'll regret, okay?" She nodded and led me to the door. I felt like I did even more good here, but I was exhausted. I drove straight back to Haywood and fobbed my way up to seven.

When Ranger found me a few minutes later, I was laid out on the bed in my thinking position. The bed dipped as he sat next to me. "Rough day, Babe?"

I opened one eye and looked at him. "Everyone here is crazy, and I haven't even talked to my mother yet. Is it always this bad?"

He ran a finger down my nose and almost smiled at me. "You weren't here to feed the gossip vultures, babe, so they turned on each other." I shuddered, because I know he was right. Just as he was leaning down to kiss me, my phone rang. He touched his forehead to mine. "Go talk to your mother."

I gave him a quick kiss and went to get my phone. I didn't even have to put it on speaker for Ranger to hear my mother yelling. "Stephanie Michelle Plum, where have you been? I had to hear from Dottie Lubacheck that you were in the Tasty Pastry this morning like you haven't been missing for almost a month!"

I ran a hand through my hair. "Mom, I told you I was going to Miami. Didn't you listen to me?"

"You told me that you were going, not that you'd be gone for more than a month! I expect you to be here for dinner tonight. You have some explaining to do, young lady."

I looked over at Ranger. We had discussed this before we left Miami. He nodded. "We'll be there at six, mom." I hung up the phone and walked back to Ranger. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the top of my head. I looked up at him. "Are you ready to face the firing squad?"

He gave me another kiss. "I'm ready if you are, Babe. We're going to do this."

I smiled at him. "And it's going to be good."

We pulled up in front of my parents' house a couple of minutes before six. My mother and grandma were standing at the door, waiting for me. Since Ranger was there, my mother was polite, but I could tell that the curiosity was killing her. Once dinner was served and everyone was digging in, my mother finally broke. "So, Stephanie, what have you been up to?"

Ranger gave my thigh a squeeze under the table for support. "Well, as you know, we went to Miami to deal with a problem in Ranger's office. Once we had the problem fixed, we decided to extend our stay in a sort of working vacation. By the end of two weeks together, we decided to see if we could live together for another month."

Grandma had her chin in her hand and was hanging on my every word. "And?"

I smiled. "And we decided that we're much better together than we are apart."

My mother clapped her hands. "So, when is the wedding?"

I shook my head. "There is no wedding, mom. We're moving in together, not getting married."

My mother looked horrified. "Think about what people will say."

I sighed. "Mom, I don't care what people say. By the end of the month, I'll have given up the lease on my apartment, and I'll be living and working full time at Rangeman. Whether it's here or in Miami is up to you."

Ranger gave me a kiss. "By the end of the week, Babe."

I kissed him back. "But it's already Friday."

He gave me his two hundred watt grin and my mom knocked back her "tea". Once we were finished with dinner and dessert, I was ready to beat feet. My mom loaded us down with leftovers. Ranger helped me into the car before he got in himself. He leaned across the console and gave me a bone melting kiss. "You ready to go pack, Babe?" I nodded. "Proud of you, Babe."

I was kind of proud of me, too.


End file.

Janet Evanovich, Humor