Harry Potter 1. Drains Don’t Go Well With Feet

**Rating:** R  
**Summary:** It's just another HP parody, except with lots of hidden innuendos, sexual tension, and will possibly cause you to laugh out loud. Just so you know, this story does contain SLASH.  
**Warnings:** Slash (later chapters, none now), lots of swearing, drugs, snogging.

**Disclaimer:** Not my characters, no harm done, no money made. All characters are owned by the great JKR. Except, of course, for the sinsemilla. That is all mine and belongs to me and roughly half a billion other people on Earth…

* * *

**A Boy and His Bird**

** Chapter 1. Drains Don't Go Well With Feet**

* * *

"Oh no!"

"What?!"

"It's stuck.."

_[Pause]_

"Why is it stuck?"

"…I rammed it in there…"

"God, how hard did you push Harry?"

"Very hard…"

"Obviously."

"Can you help me get it out? It would look a little awkward if I left it in there."

"Ewww, no. I'm not touching it!"

"But Ron, you touch yours every day? What's the difference between mine and yours?"

"Yours is thicker, and it's stuck."

"But I need it for later! Please help Ron! I can't leave it in there!"

"No."

"Oh come on… Here, you just grab the base and I'll pull from the top. Alright?"

"No."

"Fine then, I'll just ask Hermione to help…"

"She'd wonder why we're naked."

"Then we'll just put a towel on or something."

_[Pause]_

"You can't leave it in there."

"Bloody hell Ron! I know that! Now will you just help me pull the fucking thing out?!"

"It's your fault it's in there in the first place."

"Excuse me? It's my fault now? You're the one who bloody told me to ram it up there!"

"Yes but I never told you to get it stuck, now did I?"

"I'm never helping you ever again."

"Alright with me."

"Ro-o-on! Please just help me? I'm stuck…"

"Argh! Fine, fine! I'll help you… Here grab my hand and I'll help you pull yourself out."

"Ok."

"Ready?"

"Wait, hold on… I have to position myself… Yup, ready."

"Alright… One… Two… THREE!"

_[POP]_

"Ahhh… That feels so good…"

"Why is it all purple?"

"I think the drain was cutting off my blood supply."

"Your feet have a blood supply?"

"Yes, didn't you ever learn in scho… Never mind…"

_[Fierce pounding on the bathroom door]_

"Who's there?" Harry called looking up from his foot.

"It's me, Hermione! What's taking you guys so long?"

"Ron saw a spider go down the drain and… Um… We'll be out in a second!" Harry said as he tried to stand up on his un-stuck foot, but fell.

"Alright!" Hermione called and then all was silent.

"Er, sorry mate… I didn't think your foot would get stuck…" Ron said cheerfully ashamed as he gave Harry his hand to help him up.

"Thanks… I bloody swear I will never try to kill a spider that runs down a drain ever again." Harry said glumly as Ron helped him off of the tiled floor, "Ugh, it hurts like hell."

"I would think so. It's not everyday your foot gets stuck in a shower drain." Ron said cheerfully as he helped Harry out of the shower stall.

"Oh shut the fuck up Ron! Don't you know how stupid you seemed back there?! Don't you realize how much of an imbecile everyone makes you out to be?!"

"What are you talking about, Harry?" Ron said cheerfully staring at him in shock.

"Oh... sorry… I didn't mean for that small outburst of my inner most frustrations." Harry said sheepishly as he started putting on his boxers, "I hope I didn't scare you…"

"Nope." Ron said cheerfully reassuring as he finished buttoning his shirt.

"It's just that…" Harry paused and then sat on a bench with his face in his hands, "After Sirius died I behaved so perfectly and _[sniff]_ I never tried to kill myself or anything! It was so _[sniff]_ much of a surprise that I didn't turn into a psychotic freak after everything that has happened to me… I'm still sane and well _[sniffle] _I guess it has just been taking its toll on my feelings…"

"Oh, that's alright mate. I understand." Ron said cheerfully as he sat beside Harry and wrapped his arm around Harry's shoulders.

"No! It's not alright!" Harry yelled as tears steamed down his face, "I should have killed myself long-long ago…"

"Stop blaming yourself Harry… Only three people have died for you- your wonderful and loving parents and you loving, brave, and handsome Godfather Sirius…"

"Four… Four people died- you forgot Cedric."

"Forget him. He was only missed because he makes Cho Chang cry and he was seductively handsome." Ron cheerfully said as he helped Harry up towards the door.

"Gee Ron, I never knew you cared about him like that."

"I don't, I'm just trying to point out the obvious while managing to comfort you." Ron said cheerfully smiling as he held open the door for Harry.

"Oh…" Harry mumbled as he walked up the steps to the boy's dormitory.

"Why are you going up there, mate? Why not to the common room?" Ron said cheerfully confused as he watched Harry.

"Um…" Harry said slowly, "Well because I am only wearing my boxer shorts and you _[points to Ron]_ are only wearing a shirt."

"Oh! Fancy that!" Ron said cheerfully surprised as he ran up the stairs after Harry.

After Harry and Ron were fully dressed they walked _[and in Ron's case skipped]_ down the stairs to meet the impatient Hermione.

"Uh oh… It looks like she's in a bad mood." Ron said cheerfully alarmed.

"Don't worry Ron, it's only PMS." snickered Harry as Hermione caught sight of them.

"What have you two been doing for 45 minutes?" Hermione said scathingly with her arms crossed, "And please don't tell me it is the norm for you to spend 45 minutes in the shower, Harry." Hermione added as Harry opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it instead.

"Well… Harry got stuck and I had to help pull him out and then we went upstairs to get fully clothed." Ron said cheerfully scared.

"Why were the two of you naked?" Hermione said, narrowing her eyes.

"Harry got stuck." said Ron cheerfully. "Ron screamed." said Harry.

"Riiiight…" Hermione said sarcastically as she walked toward the portrait exit, "Come on you two, or else we'll be late for Potions and get points taken off Gryffindor."

"We'll get points taken off anyway." Harry said rolling his eyes as he followed Hermione, "Snape can't stop paying attention to me, so he spots every little thing I do that he doesn't like, and so I get points taken away."

"Then stop doing things wrong and try and be perfect like Me." smiled Hermione brightly.

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

"Ron, we weren't talking to you." Hermione said raising an eyebrow.

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

As Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the Potions class _[late]_ Snape's voice cut across the tense silence, "Ah speck all of yer homewawk assignments is done an' sittin' on mah desk. Shet mah mouth!"

The trio tried to slip past him unnoticed, but failed as he spotted Harry, "Mr. Potter! Fry mah hide! Whut in tarnation is yo' doin' a-comin' in ten minutes late? Twenty points off of Gryffindo'! Fry mah hide! Now set down befo'e ah take t'other ten off."

"Yes sir…" the trio murmured as they took their seats and waited for the lesson to begin.

"Why is Snape talking like a redneck?" Harry mumbled to Hermione.

"Because this is part of some sick fantasy the author has written." she muttered back, careful to not let Snape hear her.

"But a redneck?" Harry whispered un-amused.

"Yes." Hermione whisperedly shot back, "Now I suggest you shut up before the author hears you!"

"I don't care if the author hears me! Snape should not be talking like this!" Harry whisperedly yelled.

"Well, it's better then pig-Latin." Hermione whispered, rolling her eyes.

"Hmmm… True true." Harry whispered, nodding.

"Today we will be studyin' th' fine art of makin' immobile serum." Snape sneered at Harry as he walked in between the three rows of desks, "It is mighty difficult an' tedious t'prodooce. At the dawgoned-est this hyar entire class will only be able t'make one gallon of th' liquid. Does ennyone knows th' three main rightties of this hyar poshun?"

Hermione's hand shot into the air, which wasn't very surprising.

Snape glanced at her, and curled his lip in hatred, "Ennyone else…? Mr. Ma'foy, kin yo' answer th' quesshun?"

"Yes." Draco Malfoy seductively snickered at the trio and continued, "The three main properties of the immobile serum are sinsemilla, esperma, and the white root of a hacter plant."

"Good job Mr. Ma'foy. Twenty points t'Slytherin fo' th' sexy blonde who has advanced smarts in Poshuns!" Snape said glaring at all of the Gryffindors before continuing, "Now ah's settin' yo' all in pairs of three."

"Argh! You just know I'm going to get stuck with Malfoy and the one of his goons…" Harry mumbled as he slid further down in his chair.

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

"Ugh, I know Harry…" Hermione said rolling her eyes, "And I will be stuck with Mr. happy face and Malfoy's other minion, too…"

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

"Just our luck, huh Mione?" Harry said grinning as Snape started calling out the group names.

Sure enough Harry was stuck in a group with the alluring Draco Malfoy and one of his gorilla-like minions- Crabbe. Hermione was stuck with Ron and Goyle.

Crabbe plopped on Harry's left and Draco provocatively slid into the seat on Harry's right.

"Befo'e we all start ah need one fella fum etch group t'foller me into this hyar back room so we kin colleck one of our mo'e…" Snape paused and rubbed his chin, "Easier t'git in'redients."

"Crabbe, how about you follow Snape and I stay here with…" Draco said smiling attractively at Harry, "Him."

"Yes mastew king of the good fucks siw." Crabbe said bowing; kissing Draco's provocatively outstretched foot and walking toward Snape.

"Why does he sound like Elmer Fudd?" Harry said looking confusingly at the mouth-watering angel named Draco Malfoy.

"Who's Elmer Fudd?" Draco paused suggestively.

"Never mind." Harry said as Crabbe returned looking quite flushed.

"Do you have a fever, minion?" Draco said as he raised an alluring sculpted eyebrow and flashed his perfect teeth.

"No mastew." Crabbe said as he kissed Draco's captivating foot once again and sat down. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask filled with a creamy white liquid.

"What is that?" Harry said leaning down to look at the flask.

"My spewm." Crabbe said blushing.

"Wha!?" Harry yelped and jumped away from the flask.

"Esperma means sperm, Potter." Draco said rolling his eyes provocatively.

"Oh…" Harry said blushing as he sat back in his chair, "Wonderful…"

"Crabbe, fetch the other ingredients now." Draco sighed attractively and peered at the flask, "You do know what sinsemilla is, right?"

"No…" Harry said quizzically.

"I suggest you look it up…"

"Oh…?"

"No, not you! I mean our readers…"

"Oh, I see…" Harry said trying to avoid the seductively penetrating stare of the platinum sex god.

Draco seductively started to lean towards Harry. Harry's eyes flew open as he felt Draco's hot breath on his cheek. They were mere inches apart when-

"I have the ingwedients mastew." Crabbe said as Harry flinched and Draco seductively sat back in his chair. Crabbe kissed Draco's provocatively outstretched foot _again_, and plopped down in his chair.

On their table was the flask filled with Crabbe's sperm, a almost transparent white root, and a dry, shredded green/brown mix of flowers, stems, seeds, and leaves. Crabbe opened his Potions book and read the directions. He then started to carefully cut the root up into pieces no wider then half an inch. Harry pulled out his cauldron and placed it on the table while Draco started to sexually empty the ingredients into the cauldron. The whole process lasted maybe five minutes, and then the group was done and they waited for the rest of the class to finish.

"Is yo' all done emppyin' th' in'redients into yer cauldrons?" Sanpe asked as a few students shook their heads, which he ignored, "This hyar poshun is mighty delicut. Yo' muss stir it clockwise three full turns, an' then wait fo' me t'tell yo' whut t'do next."

Harry watched as Crabbe slowly followed Snape's directions.

"Do you know what this potion does to you?" Draco said seductively.

"No, of course not." Harry said, "I am a hopeless wreck when it comes to Potions, so why would you think I would know what this does? You seem to know everything because you are such a suck-up, so go ahead, and tell me. What does this crap do?"

"Fair enough." Draco smiled sensually, "If you take a drop of the stuff it will render you unconscious for three minutes. You will then start to mildly hallucinate after you wake up, and fall into an almost warm feeling of utter happiness. This lasts approximately one hour for each drop you take. When the effect begins to wear off you may get a headache and feel very hungry."

"That sort of sounds familiar…" Harry said as he tried to think of where he had heard of something like that before, but came up empty handed. It sounded vaguely familiar, though…

"I'm sure it does…" Draco winked suggestively before continuing, "This serum is considered illegal in many parts of the wizarding world. It can actually only be brewed legally in the dungeon of Hogwarts or outside in the middle of the lake."

"How would you get in the middle of the lake and make this?" Harry said.

"By boat."

"I didn't know Hogwarts has boats!"

"They don't, Potter."

"Oh…?"

Snape continued to instruct the students on how to properly brew the serum, "An' eff'n enny of yo' screw this hyar up yo''ll haf Dumbledo'e t'answer to." he added in the middle of his instructions before continuing.

"Why is this illegal?" Harry asked as he watched Crabbe robotically stir the ingredients.

"Because of the risks it may have on your body." Draco alluringly replied.

"Like…?" Harry said trying to urge him to continue.

"It increases the risks of a heart attack and it clots your lungs with magical residue." Draco said as Harry almost moaned at the site of his luscious lips moving.

"I thought we have spells for that sort of stuff." Harry said.

"For the heart attacks yes, for the residue no." Draco invitingly paused before continuing, "It can also cause memory lapses, distortion in thinking, and loss of coordination."

"That sounds an awful lot like Neville Longbottom." Harry said.

"Yes it does, doesn't it?" Draco winked charmingly and then continued, "There are also long term consequences. But who cares about those, huh?"

"Heh, yes… Who cares…?" Harry sighed as he watched Draco.

Snape continued instructing them on the proper way to brew the serum until class was over. He told them as they were leaving that next week each group would have to sample the potion. Their homework was to write a detailed essay on the making of this serum.

"Wasn't that so much fun!" Hermione giggled as they made there way out of the classroom.

"I liked the part where Snape took us in the back room and--" Ron said cheerfully horny before he was cut off.

"—Ok Ron! Enough about that!" Hermione said slamming her hand over his mouth, "Really, we don't want to hear…"

"Mmmfay." Ron mumbled cheerfully with Hermione's hand still over his mouth.

"Arrgh!" Hermione screamed as she whipped her hand off of Ron's mouth and started to furiously wipe it on her robes.

"What is it?" Harry said quizzically.

"He licked me!" Hermione yelled while unconscious in a state of extreme hormonal shock.

"Why'd you lick her, Ron?" Harry said turning to him.

"It tasted good." Ron said cheerfully horny.

"Ugh, what are we going to do with her now?" Harry said rather annoyed, "She's unconscious in a state of extreme hormonal shock and is lying right in the middle of the hall."

"Let's drag her into that broom closet over there and I can try and wake her up." Ron cheerfully suggested.

"Fine with me." Harry said as he took hold of one of her feet and Ron grabbed the other.

They both managed to drag her into a closet, and then Ron slammed the door shut after he ran in. Harry heard the door's lock being clicked shut, but he didn't stay around any longer. Feeling bored he trudged up the Grand Staircase to Gryffindor tower. Harry was in front of the portrait when the fat lady spoke.

"Ahyay, osay it'syay youay, youay umbday uckfay. Iyay uggestsay youay etgay youray uglyyay arscay emovedray omedaysay... Iyay onderway owhay anymay eadersray avehay iguredfay outyay atwhay isthay ayssay... Ahyay ellway, ivegay emay ethay asswordpay youay ocksuckercay andyay onay oneyay etsgay urthay." she said looking quite dignified.

_"Hmmm… pig latin…"_ Harry thought, _"There may be more of this later on… I better learn how to understand [ahem… read] it…"_

Just when Harry was about to answer an arm shot out from a conveniently-never-been-there-before-closet, and dragged him in.

"I'fe-a beee veeeting a lung teeme-a fur thees." they said, their voice dripping with sexual tension.

"Waiting for what?" Harry said as he felt a pair of hands slide under his shirt.

* * *

A/N: This is the result of me being bored and getting ideas I would most likely have never used. I am putting all of my insane ideas in one story, obviously this one. I can possibly try and write a character how you want me to, so go on, ask and you may receive XD Oh yes, and just in case any of you are reading any of my other stories, there is no way in hell I am going to stop writing them just because of this story. I could never do that to you guys (and girls)!

I will most likely continue this, even if I get all flames, I'll continue. So basically if you flame this, there is no point as I will just write some more. Reviews _would_ be quite nice, ya know… [HINT HINT]


	2. Fiery Pits and Yoko Ono

**Rating:** R  
**Summary:** It's just another HP parody, except with lots of hidden innuendos, sexual tension, and will possibly cause you to laugh out loud. Just so you know, this story does contain SLASH.  
**Warnings:** Slash (later chapters, none now), lots of swearing, drugs, snogging, Yoko Ono

**Disclaimer:** Not my characters, no harm done, no money made. All characters are owned by the great JKR. Except, of course, for the sinsemilla. That is all mine and belongs to me and roughly half a billion other people on Earth…

* * *

**A Boy and His Bird**

**Chapter 2.**** Fiery Pits and Yoko Ono**

* * *

_Just when Harry was about to answer an arm shot out from a conveniently-never-been-there-before-closet, and dragged him in._

_"I'fe-a beee veeeting a lung teeme-a fur thees." they said, their voice dripping with sexual tension._

_"Waiting for what?" Harry said as he felt a pair of hands slide under his shirt._

****

"What do you mean 'waiting for what,' don't you understand?" they said sounding taken aback.

"No, not really." Harry said in confusion as their voice dropped the sexual tension and as they stepped back.

"You mean you…" they paused, "You honestly don't know?"

"Nope." said Harry.

"Oh…"

"Well, since we are in a tense situation where the reader knows who only one of us is, would you mind telling me who you are?" Harry asked politely.

"Oh… Sure, whatever." they said as they reached upwards and turned on the conveniently placed closet light.

"Oh my!" Harry exclaimed, "What are you doing in here seemingly about to rape me?"

"Actually I have no clue." Dobby said as he straightened the tower of hats resting on his head, "I thought I was on the second floor waiting in a closet for Winky so I could bang her…"

"Oh. That explains a lot." Harry said sighing.

"Really? I thought it might make it more confusing." Dobby said looking at Harry quizzically, "I'm obviously not on the second floor and you are obviously not Winky."

"Hmmm… I guess you're right…" Harry said frowning.

"Well, I'll just go now." the elf waved and opened the closet door, "Sorry for the mistake, Harry."

"What?! Don't you want to bang me? I'm ultra sexy and I have green eyes! Come one, who can resist me green eyes!" Harry sobbed as he fell down on his knees and pounded his fists against the floor.

"Eh, sorry, but someone else has first dibs on the 'Bang Potter List.' I'm number fifty-two, though!" Dobby sighed as he walked away.

"List? There's a list?" Harry said out loud to himself.

"Yea, thewe's awways been a wist." said a voice behind him.

Harry turned around and gasped, "Crabbe? What are you doing up here?"

"Mastew king of the good fucks siw wanted me to hand you a pewsonaw note fwom him to you." Crabbe said as he bowed and stuck out his leg. Taped to his ankle was a fancy looking roll of parchment.

"Erm… ok then." Harry said as he reached down and quickly un-tapped the piece of parchment. He then started to walk away from Crabbe, but Crabbe followed.

"What?! What now?!" Harry said exasperatedly as Crabbe tried to peck him, "Gwah! And before you answer, speak normally!"

"Master king of the good fucks sir demands that you answer him." Crabbe said bowing again.

"Ugh… Fine fine, just let me read it…" Harry said as he opened the parchment and read:

Potter,

I require your presence in a mysterious dark-room at precisely Nine O'clock this evening.

This is very important and you are obligated to attend.

The owl will show you where to make yourself presentable.

-D.M.

"Um…" Harry said as he dropped the note and watched it burst into flames, "Who is the owl?"

"That would be me." Crabbe said.

"Oh…?" Harry said skeptically.

"Who. Who." Crabbe said while widening his eyes and strutting around like a pigeon, "Who. Who."

"Right. Owl. Of course." Harry said raising an eyebrow, "Well, are you going to show me where to make myself presentable?"

"Yes, just hold on." Crabbe said as he finished another round of 'who-ings' before he returned to his normal stance, "Follow me sir of the sacrificial offering."

"Wait a sec! Hold on! What in the name of Merlin is a _"sir of the sacrificial offering?!"_

"That would be you." Crabbe said pointing to Harry.

"Um… right… But could you explain what exactly it is? You know- in greater detail…"

"Yes, of course…" Crabbe said before clearing his throat and-

**"I CANNOT TELL YOU!"**

"What was that for?" Harry said rubbing his ears.

"Only king of the good fucks sir is allowed to explain sir of the sacrificial offering." Crabbe said as he turned and proceeded down the hall while flapping his arms, "Now follow me please."

"Um… Yes, alright." Harry said while thinking, _"What in the name of Merlin is he doing now? I won't ask…"_

Soon the rather odd pair arrived in front of a rather narrow wooden door. Smack-dab in the middle of this door, in black and gold lettering, were the letters:

**KOTGFS**

****

"What is a 'kotgfs'?" Harry asked quizzically.

"It stands for king of the good fucks sir, sir of the sacrificial offering."

"Yes… Of course." Harry said, but then when he realized Crabbe was walking/arm-waving away, "Where are you going?"

"I am leaving the two of you to talk in peace sir of the sacrificial offering." Crabbe promptly replied.

"Erm… How about you just call me sotso instead of sir of the whatever...?" Harry said.

"Yes sotso." Crabbe said before he flew away for good out of a nearby window.

"Well that's cute." Harry said as he watched the boy fly/flap away, "Now what do I do?"

"You go through the door." said a voice from behind the door.

"Oh! Right…" Harry said as he pushed open the narrow door and entered a dark room. The door closed behind him and he was left standing in pitch-black.

"Don't you have any lighting in here?" Harry asked.

"Yes…?" said a voice somewhere off to his left.

"Then why don't you have the lights on?"

"I haven't gotten around to putting in the bulbs yet, alright?" said a pissed off voice now to his right.

"Well, you have a wand… Don't you" Harry sighed.

"Yes…?" now to his left.

"Then can't you use it to make a light or something?"

"Well… yes... Yes I could. What's it to you?" now in front of him.

"It is a bit dark… And I can't see anything…"

"So?" now to his left.

"Damnit! Who the hell are you?!" Harry roared as he dived to his right and tackled someone or something.

The person squealed and tried to wriggle out of Harry's grasp, but his arms were like a vice around the person's stomach.

"Ye Gods! Let me go!"

"Not until you tell me who you are!"

"I can't tell you who I am or the plot for this chapter will be ruined!"

"What? Why?"

"Because I am supposed to be a mysterious figure who tries to mentally torture you. But to no avail, for your mental powers far outshine my own. I am then supposed to dangle you over a cliff with a burning pit of fire at the bottom- which is where I would have shown you my true identity! But then, before I could pull the silky black mask off my face the glorious Draco Malfoy would lunge at me and push me into the gaping maw! He would then rescue you and bring you to his room where the two of you would have wild passionate sex! That is why I cannot reveal my identity!" they finished out of breath.

"Oh… well in that case, how about we skip the torturing and go right to the fire pit of doom?" Harry said happily.

"We can't…" the person sighed tiredly.

"Oh, and why not?"

"I just told the plot to the readers…"

"So?"

"So they know what to expect now and the rest of this story will be boring and listless."

"Who cares what they think! I'm the star of this story! I have a right to choose!"

"Actually no- you aren't the main character."

"WHAT!?" Harry shouted in rage.

"The main character is the boy with the bird, notice the title: **A Boy and His Bird**."

"Who is this boy with the bird?"

"How should I know? I'm just the masked fiend who is supposed dies at the end of this chapter."

"Well, do you know how to find out who the boy with the bird is?"

"Nope."

"Oh come on! You have got to know something! Why would I waste half of the dialog talking to you if you aren't important to the plot in some way?" Harry said rolling his eyes.

"Well… I might know something…" the person hesitated and then clapped their hands. The room became flooded with light and Harry found himself to be holding none other then….

A short scrawny guy wearing a silky-black mask.

"Um…" Harry said blushing as he quickly scooted away from the masked stranger.

"Hello Harry Potter." the man said sticking out his hand. "I'm…"

"Erm… Hello." Harry said shaking the man's hand, "Who are you?"

"I don't know. My character was never developed far enough to get a name. I am only listed as a short guy wearing a silky-black mask…"

"Um… Ok then, what do you want to be called?"

"How about Zorro?"

"Eh, no. It's to cliché with the mask and all."

"Yea… Your right…" the man said rubbing his bony chin, "How about Wolfgang?"

"No."

"Jeremiah?"

"Ew."

"Fine then… How about Karac?"

"Why that one?"

"It means 'Celtic warrior.'"

"Eh, well I hate to say it, but you don't look like much of a Celtic warrior." Harry said smirking.

"Ugh… Whatever! Fine… I shall be named…"

And after a few moments a hidden voice near the reader's left shoulder squeaked, "Yoko Ono!"

"Yes! My name shall be Yoko Ono!" the masked man said joyfully whilst jumping up and down.

"Well… Alright, whatever…" Harry said rolling his eyes again, "But you have to promise me one thing."

"What?" said Yoko Ono formerly the silky-masked man.

"We will find this boy!" Harry screamed.

"Yes! And his bird!"

"Shuttup…" Harry said.

"...Whatever." replied Yoko Ono.

"Once again…" Harry said, " We shall find this boy AND his bird!"

"Yea!" screamed Yoko Ono.

"Muahahahaha!" Harry laughed evilly.

"Hahaha!" Draco Malfoy laughed seductively.

"Draco?" Harry said in confusion.

"Potter?" Draco said sensually.

"What exactly are you doing here?" Yoko Ono said scratching his head.

"I don't know, but I'm supposed to help you find this boy…" Draco said smirking seductively.

"And his bird." replied Yoko Ono.

"Yea, that too." Draco smiled passionately.

* * *

A/N: I know, I know… It will only get stranger folks! Thank-you to my reviewers! I love you all! I'm sorry, but I can't really reply to your reviews right now, but I will in the next chapter XD 

Some slash is bound and determined to happen next chapter just so ya know :)


	3. Harry's Long Hard Wand

**Rating:** R  
**Summary:** It's just another HP parody, except with lots of hidden innuendos, sexual tension, and will possibly cause you to laugh out loud. Just so you know, this story does contain SLASH.  
**Warnings:** Slash (later chapters, none now), lots of swearing, drugs, snogging.

**Disclaimer:** Not my characters, no harm done, no money made. All characters are owned by the great JKR. Except, of course, for the sinsemilla. That is all mine and belongs to me and roughly half a billion other people on Earth…

**

* * *

**

**A Boy and His Bird**

**Chapter 3. Harrys Long Hard Wand**

* * *

_"Yea!" screamed Yoko Ono._

_"Muahahahaha!" Harry laughed evilly._

_"Hahaha!" Draco Malfoy laughed seductively._

_"Draco?" Harry said in confusion._

_"Potter?" Draco said sensually._

_"What exactly are you doing here?" Yoko Ono said scratching his head._

_"I don't know, but I'm supposed to help you find this boy…" Draco said smirking seductively._

_"And his bird." replied Yoko Ono._

_"Yea, that too." Draco smiled passionately._

**A FEW MINUTES LATER**

"What are you doing up there?" Harry asked as he gazed upwards.

"He knows..." Draco provokingly frowned.

"Get off of the cabinet." Harry said, barely holding back laughter.

"Never." Draco suggestively replied.

"Oh come on!" Yoko Ono said rolling his eyed, "It was an accident and you know it!"

"I highly doubt that." Draco erotically replied as he scrunched up his nose in disgust.

"Draco, I'm sure he didn't mean to do whatever it was he did." Harry sighed, "Now please get down here. We have to finish our discussion about finding the... That guy... um... Oh you know, the _real_ main character..."

"And-"

"Yea, we know Yoko, and his bird." Harry said interrupting Yoko Ono before he said "bird" for the fifth time.

"He meant it. I will not come down without an apology form _him_." Draco sensuously paused, "And..."

"And what?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"And only if I get a kiss."

"You'll only come down if you get a kiss?" Harry asked.

"I will only come down if he apologizes and if I get a kiss." Draco erotically said slowly.

"Ok, fine. Deal." Harry turned to Yoko Ono, "Well?"

"Hey, it's not my fault this little prat decided to be a drama queen all of a sudden!" Yoko Ono hissed as he pointed up at Draco.

Draco gave an undignified yet wanton snort of dissatisfaction.

"Ugh..." Harry dramatically slapped his forehead, "Will the two of you just please make up?!"

"Fine." Yoko narrowed his eyes menacingly, "I apologize to you, even though you don't deserve it... (Draco hissed carnally at this from atop the cabinet) But I am sorry for _accidentally_ grabbing your fine little arse... Is that OK with you?"

"It will do." Draco replied as he savoringly puffed out his chest, "And the kiss?"

"Well, you'll have to come down from the cabinet if you want that." Yoko Ono replied happily.

Draco seductively mimed throwing up, "Ugh! I don't want to snog you..."

"Then who do you want to snog?" Yoko Ono asked as he looked around the room apprehensively.

"Uh, Yoko, maybe he wants to snog _me_..." Harry said rolling his eyes, "I mean I am the only other piece of luscious teenage-"

"Aha, Mr. Potter an' Mr. Ma'foy- thar yo' both are. ah see yo' haf both met Mr. Yoko Ono." said Professor Snape as he entered the room, "Whuffo' wasn't yo' at mah class?"

"Erm... Class?" Harry asked quizzically, "Weren't we just at your class?"

"Not mah nuu class." Snape replied with a smirk.

"Ok then, what is your new class?" Harry asked as he gazed at Draco's arse as he seductively slid off of the cabinet and onto the floor.

"Mah nuu class." Sanpe said as he walked out of the room, "Is right out hyar."

"Um..." Yoko Ono said as he followed Snape into the empty hallway, "Where did you say your class was again?"

"Out hyar." said Snape as he rolled his eyes and gestured at the hallway.

"Right." said Harry sarcastically as he looked around, "Where are the materials? Where are the students?"

"Hold yer broomsticks fella!" Snape said holding his hands up in protest, "Wait jest a minute, an' yo'll see."

**ONE MINUTE LATER**

"I still don't," Draco yawned sensually, "see anything."

"He's right." said Harry, "I'm sick of waiting, let's leave."

And Harry started to walk away when there was a sudden creaking noise behind him. He turned around and gasped at what he saw: a section of the wall had opened up into what seemed like a massive doorway.

Sanpe laughed evilly and pointed at the opening, "See, whut did ah tell yo'?"

"You told us to wait _one minute_." Yoko Ono said with his arms crossed, "You never said to wait a minute and five seconds!"

"Oh shet up an' jest walk into th' dark doreway." Snape said rolling his eyes.

"You know, just because you're a teacher doesn't mean I'll walk into some unknown doorway." Harry said raising an eyebrow.

Snape merely rolled his eyes and walked into the darkness.

"I think we should follow him," said Yoko Ono, "He seems to be in charge."

"Hey, I thought I was in charge!" said Harry, green eyes wide with shock.

"Not when I'm around." Draco replied with a wanton grin.

"Hurry up you two," called Yoko Ono from the depths of the dark and very secret passage, "It's getting all dark and the door may close at any moment and-"

The wall/door suddenly closed up once again and Yoko Ono's voice was cut short. Harry and Draco looked at each other in shock.

"Well that was a bit odd." said Harry. In shock.

"Yes, defiantly." Draco sensually agreed. While also in shock.

"Should we um..." Harry looked around as if searching for an answer, "Go look for him...?" He said this while in a state of complete shock.

"Hmmm." Draco lasciviously said, "That might not be in our best interest." He said this while also completely in shock, of course.

"Oh really?" said Harry with a grin, "Is that because you want to... be _alone_ with me? Have me all to yourself and all that?" His eyes were wide with... shock.

"Well..." Draco replied with a smutty grin, "That does sound appealing right now." He was utterly shocked.

Both of them nodded at each other, and walked away from the door. Filled with emotions they ignored where they were headed and walked until they felt the need to stop. Harry smiled and stuck out his hand. Draco slowly and suggestively glided toward him, and placed his own sexually frustrated hand in Harry's warm grip. Suddenly they were both thrown backwards as a large spark of electricity came from their touch. All the lights flickered, and the smell of singed flesh permeated the air.

Harry stared at his hands, "Oh my Merlin... what in the name of... um... Well what was that?" He wasn't in shock anymore.

"I...I don't know Harry." Draco said while unchastely looking at Potter quizzically, "I didn't know my hands could be sexually frustrated." He wasn't in shock anymore, either.

Harry suddenly jumped up with excitement, "You did it, you did it!"

Draco merely steamily raised an eyebrow, "Did what?"

Harry smiled, "You said my name silly."

"Oh." Draco said, sounding momentarily ruffled, and yet still lustful.

"You know what this means right?" Harry said and sat next to Draco, leaning his chin on the other boys shoulder.

Draco stimulatingly shook his head.

"We _so_ have to have sex now."

"Huh?" Draco's spicy eyes were suddenly very wide, and very confused.

"Yeah, you say my real first name, I get all happy, we fuck." Harry said while nuzzling Draco's neck, "Simple as that."

Draco pushed Harry off of him. Harry looked confused for a second or two, but then got it that Draco was about to make an elaborate speech. Harry reached for a pillow that was over by the wall for some reason, and sat down on it so his bum wouldn't get too sore. Looks like this would be a long one.

Draco stood up, and libidinously acknowledged Harry with a nod of his head, "I'd like to address you as Harry from now on. Now of course, I understand that might not be so easy, seeing as we've been enemies and not to mention on last name status for quite some time. But really, I'd like to put that behind us, start a new beginning if you will.

"I've been watching you for quite some time now Harry, usually from across the potions classroom amid the colorful vapors from our peer's cauldrons. Always so unaware... Believe me, I like what I've seen. I like how that look you get in your face when Snape is scolding you: so stubborn and yet so innocent in some way... And I know you've watched me as well, but I wonder, why do you?

"I've been listening to you for quite some time now, as well. I like the way I can hear your voice amid a crowd of idiots, how it can silence a room with a sigh and cause every ear to turn to you... I like hearing your voice in my dreams, I like the way you say my name... I know you've been listening to me too. I've seen you pause at your thoughtless tasks in potions when I speak, I can see you hanging onto my every word...

"And Harry, well... I've been wanting you for-"

Draco's passionate speech was suddenly cut off by Yoko Ono, "Hey you guys, I'm back!"

Yoko Ono had barely a few seconds to think before Draco suddenly suggestively lunged at him. Yoko Ono emitted a faint squeak, and then Draco's fists found his face and he was quiet once more. Harry gasped as the scene unfolded, but still reacted with amazing speed as he pulled Draco off of Yoko Ono.

Harry pinned Draco's arms behind his sensual back, and looked at Yoko Ono, "Where'd you come all of a sudden? You gave Malfoy quite the... um fright."

"Oh no he didn't, all this little squib did was royally piss me off! He interrupted my extremely long speech, which was to be followed by many kisses and love-making... Now I fear I will never be able to utter those kinds of words ever again..." and with that Draco carnally wrenched himself from Harry's grip, and ran away.

"Um..." said Yoko Ono after Draco's erotically retreating form, "I guess I'm sorry..."

Yoko then glanced at Harry, and did a double-take. He was fuming. Literally.

"You're fucking right you're sorry," said Harry, smoke pouring from his ears, "You just interrupted his speech. Now I will never have sex with him."

"Well," Yoko gave a small laugh, "There's always tomorrow Harry." Yoko said this senselessly, and then reached towards Harry to give him a little reassuring pat on the back, but Harry was having none of it.

"Don't you dare touch me," Harry said while still literally fuming, "Or I'll dissect your eyes with a spoon, rip off your nipples to feed to a house elf, and ram my long hard wand up every hole in your body."

Yoko Ono's jaw dropped, and it took him a few moments to regain his composure, "What wand are we talking about here?"

"This one." Harry said, and pulled out his long hard wand.

"Eek!" Yoko squeaked.

"Eek is right." Harry said, and then put away his long hard wand, "Now let's find Draco."

"Um, Harry? I think we're forgetting something here."

"What?" Harry said, narrowing his eyes at Yoko Ono.

"We both have no clue where we are, as the author has failed to describe our surroundings, except in vague detail. We could basically be up Dumbledore's butt for all we know."

"You know what?" Harry hissed. He then pulled out his long hard wand and brandished it in Yoko Ono's face, "If don't help me find Draco I'll commence with the shoving this up every hole in your body."

"Well, since you put it that way..." Yoko said.

They then started off on their journey to find Draco, never mind the boy and his bird.

It was to be a grand journey, sure to last a thousand days or more, a journey through storms of fire, a journey through poisonous fields of frog spawn, a journey...

**5 MINUTES LATER**

Well... Ok, a journey sure to last five minutes.

"Look, I see him over yonder!" said Yoko as he ran towards a figure slumped against the wall.

"Draco?" Harry softly called as he approached, "Draco Malfoy?"

"Harry?" Draco stimulatingly said, as he looked up into the other boy's eyes, "Harry Potter?"

"Yes Draco, tis I." said Harry proudly.

Draco pornographically wrinkled his nose, "Potter, I hate you. Now let's make babies."

"Um... Sorry, to bust your bubble, but that may be a problem seeing as you both are guys and-" Yoko Ono started to say.

"SHUT IT!" Harry and Draco yelled at the same time.

The trio then decided it was far too late to really do anything, so they went to bed. The author wishes to appologize for the character's lack of libido right now, but wishes to say that all they really need is some time. That is all.

TBC...

* * *

Thanks to the people that have reviewed this story.

I hope I have kept you laughing, and until next time: slash on!


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody