Harry Potter 1. To Kill a Voldemort

**Who Hoots?**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and any of his owls, and I probably never will.

The night was so boring that Harry had nothing in his mind but killing Voldemort. Alas, Voldemort was always so hard to kill…

The last few days of school were always the hardest for Harry. He watched the owls carelessly flying by as if there actually was nothing to do. And that's when It happened.

The owl with a wig on her head which will be throughout the story known as Booklya dropped a very weird piece of parchment on Mr. Potter's head. It was one of those Voldemorty letters (with dark marks everywhere) (weird). It invited Harry to a small duel in a place called DOOM which Harry had heard of but hadn't yet recognized. It told to bring one wand and a little note to send back to the school in the event of his death.

So Harry went to this DOOM and as planned was attacked by Voldemort. The rules of the game were to use only one spell that would surely defeat the opponent. Voldemort went first.

"_Expecto Dementum_" Voldemort cried. Since Harry got special training from Lupin (lucky!) he managed to defeat the smooching beasts in a matter of minutes. Now it was Harry's turn. He thought: what is the one thing that could kill Grandpa Voldy? And then it hit him.

"_Accio J.K. Rowling!_" Harry cried. A tall wealthy woman appeared and put him on the "dead" list. Voldemort disappeared, muttering something about returning as he fell.

J.K Rowling then disappeared also. Booklya appeared and dropped yet another letter on Harry's poor, living, head.


	2. Dumbledore's Order

Dumbledore's letter basically said that there will be an extra week or two of school this year. However, the students were only required to take one subject- muggle studies. This was because Dumbledore wanted to try out a "person teaches about their culture" thing like what they use to try to take out child brains in muggle school. Dumbledore brought this muggle in mainly just to show him that all of that could be done much easier. With just a single spell, you know?

As soon as Harry stopped reading that dreadful letter (uh-oh, I'm starting to sound just like Lemony Snicket, am I not? And my English teacher also.), Booklya put Harry in her claws, and lifted off into the night (can you guess which author I'm starting to sound like now?)

And so, Harry was taken to Hogwarts by owl blah, blah, blah, and was greeted at school by the MUGGLES OF DOOM. Then, strangely 1 by 1 the MUGGLES OF DOOM disappeared, except for one by the name of Tromedlov.

Harry just gasped.


	3. Tromedlov's Secret

When Harry entered the Great Hall the next morning, rumors were everywhere.

"Did you hear that the new teacher's last name is Doom?" some students were whispering. Others were saying that that was short for "Ifyouseemewalkingdownthegreathallathogwartsyouwillbedoomed."

The next second Booklya gave a loud but meaningful HOOT. The next second the doors of the Great Hall opened and out came Tromedlov- the new muggle studies teacher.

And at that moment Harry realized that he was doomed.

Now Tromedlov realized that he was making people doomed, but he didn't care. Actually, he had a secret about his doom. The only one that was actually doomed was him. He has spent hours reading books that I haven't written yet but hopefully will at some point of my life "Going BOOM", "Accepting DOOM" and "Successfully DISAPPEARING". But who cares? He just came because Dumebledore was paying him a thousand muggle dollars per hour.

Harry thought he saw an almost invisible bird flying behind him.

His acceptance speech was made up mostly of strange words. You could make out some bad words, but Harry and I may just have imagined it.

When dinner was over that evening and everyone trailed along to their dormitories, Harry noticed something that would make him even doomier- he was going to sleep next to Tromedlov.

The next morning, a new kid named Patrick got up and complained that Tromedlov's doom made him sick. Tromedlov put down what looked like a letter to Napoleon and started thinking.

Maybe he really was doomed!


	4. Hooty or Sooty?

The next morning, Tromedlov's lesson was full of hooting birds, electricity (muggle studies final), and anti-doom masks.

"Now," Tromedlov was saying,"In your world owls are just for delivering mail and keeping as pets. But in the muggle world they are…"

Hermione's hand shot up instantly.

"Big hooty and/or sooty birds which mean absolutely nothing."

"Correct!" Tromedlov explained. "2,376 points from Gryffindor!" He added as his disguise fell to the floor revealing the head of Professor Sprout.

"It wasn't me!" Professor Sprout shouted as she ran in. She pulled on the mask again which revealed the head of Salazar Slytherin.

"_AVADA KEDAVRA_!" Professors Dumbledore and Ifyouseemewalkingdownthegreathallathogwartsyouwillbedoomed shouted (strange, where did Tromedlov learn it?) as they jumped out of the locked closet door.

Slytherin died (again) and Tom Riddle, his heir emerged on the spot like a baby phoenix. After Kedavering him, emerged Crookshanks, the next Slytherin heir. Surprisingly Hermione agreed to finish him off.

At that point Tromedlov saw that there were only 2 minutes left of class so he got right to the point.

"Is anyone missing a ghost owl?" he asked. "I found one flying as I was coming here, and it is against the law for adults to own them. It must be owned by one of you then."

At the sound of a ghost owl all of the students hid in fear. Actually, Patrick was missing a ghost owl but he was to scared to remember it. Besides, his owl disappeared 3 years ago.

"So that's why I don't teach in wizard schools anymore," Tromedlov remembered.

At that moment the bell rang and all the students quickly trailed back to there possibly doomy dormitories.


	5. The Sychik's Eye

"This is crazy!" Harry muttered on the way from Tromedlov's class.

"No you are," Ron insisted. "There is no way I'm going to help a ghost owl."

"But it's terrorizing the entire school!"

"It is not terrorizing me, and that is all that matters!"

Unfortunately, Ron was wrong. Because as the ghostly hooting became more common and louder, the more people started to become afraid, and acting crazily. As they came into the dormitory, picked up Hermione, and started out the door, they ran into Neville.

"Sorry, but you must not come through. Order of the ghost owl."

"Neville, I am very sorry about this," Hermione said and picked up her wand. "_Avada Kedavra_!"

Neville fell over motionless. The others silently stared at him silently. Soon after, a great bolt of light went into him. Suddenly Neville woke up.

"Oh no!" he cried. "It's worse than I thought! The sychik's eye is attacking!"

As you know, the sychik is a mythical owly beast, whose powers very few could withstand. It kills everything in its path, and since Neville was dead, it could do nothing but make him alive.

The eye's ray toppled the wall.

Suddenly, they all saw an opening, and jumped through. Suddenly (get used to me using this word all the time) they were falling. They had jumped through a window!

They fell onto a train, and crashed right next to the driver,

"Why are you going back to the school?" they asked.

He replied "I have heard of a ghost owl living there, and I believe it belongs to me."


	6. The Power of the Owl

Yeah, I know I have been fairly lazy lately, but that won't stop me from finishing the story!

"But isn't it against the law for adults to own them?" Harry asked surprisedly.

"Nothing's illegal for Mr. Very Cool Special Train Driver Sir!" Mr. Very Cool Special Train Driver Sir answered.

At that point the train approached the station.

"Get off now," Mr.VCSTDS said. "I have an owl to claim."

"Uhh sorry, but isn't this Hogsmeade?" Hermione declared, always having the facts.

"WHAT? Have we been driving for hours the wrong way?" VCSTDS croaked, as a silvery shape passed by. "We may as well make use of it." He jumped out like crazy and went after the poor screeching bird. Then- he saw: someone else got there first.

"Back off! This is my bird!" Patrick screamy screechied. "And I'm also prepared to fight you for it! In fact, _RICTUSEMPTRA!_"

VCSTDS was thrown back with a powerful force. But he had a wand too. "_AVADA KEDA!_" It was a rather strange strategy, but it worked. Patrick's wand broke to pieces in half.

Then, as it usually is in my stories, a jet of light erupted from the end of the broken wand, and hit the ghost owl. A light then shined from the owl's body, and the power of the owl was here (some dramatic/victorious music would be good here).

No one really remembers what happened afterwards, but we do know that in the end, Patrick was the last one standing.

"Phew," he said, picking up his prize owl. "And I thought the only way to get it was to set up a sychik's eye!"


	7. Tromedlov Vs Voldemort

I would like to start out this chapter with another disclaimer. The brave Patrick still has hardly any idea that he is in this story. This way, when he sues me, I will have at least a bit of defense. Or maybe this is just code that says something like "I got some new socks. They're SWEET. Check them out."

It came. The great battle that all you readers have been waiting for. And you know what this means. Someone important is going to die.

The Muggles of DOOM were sitting in their headquarters, waiting for Tromedlov's return. Yet, they couldn't help wonder why they agreed to work with non-non-magical folk in the first place. Meanwhile in Hogsmeade the Death Eaters arrived. None of the group knew abut the attack, and barely anybody cared. The first Kedavra was fired.

Harry raised his wand "_Accio…_"

"_Expelliarmus_!" Harry fell back instantly. Now it was up to the others to stop them, but the others didn't even have wands. They all hid behind Tromedlov- the mighty Muggle of DOOM. And his might gave him a free cell phone!

The phone in the MOD HQ was ringing nonstop. It kept ringing until they actually decided to leave. But by that time, everyone was long gone. Actually, hey just went to fight inside the train, just because it was cold out. They all got their wands, with the exception of Tromedlov who got the wand of Mr. Very Cool Special Train Driver Sir.

He did know the Kedavra incantation after all.

The time was set. The hate gathered. Then the second the MODs appeared, it was shouted: _Avada Kedavra_!

Then a MOD ran out yelling "Stop! Everyone! This room is full of mirrors!"

All the spells backfired. Almost everyone fell dead on the floor. But I am not _that_ heartless.

The Sychik's eye returned. And since basically everyone was dead, most people became alive.

MOST.

Ron was lying, dead right by Harry's feet.


	8. Boredom

They left. Who they were, nobody knows. They were most probably the Muggles of DOOM or the Death Eaters. Only the ghost owl knows for sure. The ghost owl knows everything. Yet every time Patrick looked at it, he started noticing how much its eyes resemble those of a dog's.

Harry was desperately trying to figure out if Ron will become a ghost. Even though Ron was his best friend, Harry wasn't really sad for some reason. Nor was Hermione, really.

Now that a war had begun, Harry stopped really caring about the deaths- he was basically prepared. After losing his parents and some of his friends, Harry was ready for anything.

Back at Hogwarts, a word was out. Draco had mysteriously disappeared. The most common words that people said were "Grandpa Voldy", "ice", "kamysh mouse", and "Avada Kedavra." If you have read my other story "Ice", you would understand what it means. And if you haven't, you probably do not care. But all you need to know from this is that you cannot get rid of anything bad without getting rid of something good, as in Draco and Ron.

As the final days of Hogwarts dwindled down, the sun grew hotter and hotter (aaah! Global warming! Run!).Days went by super slowly, and all the good shady spots were crowded. One night, as the temperatures were very slowly dropping, Harry turned to Booklya.

"Well I'm bored," he said. "Let's go kill Voldemort!"

**The End**

But don't worry, Tromedlov WILL be back…


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Harry Potter, Humor, Mystery