Earthbound 1. Swag It Up

_**Sweet mother of Shrek, I'm gonna regret writing this.**_

**Long story short: I was looking for some motivation to write some more serious fics I have in planning (by serious I mean me just flailing my arms around and assuming I'm getting somewhere) and through some ungodly Pumkin World videos and a Skype chat later, this unholy idea came up. **

**I have no idea why I even bothered planning this one, but here's Invasion of Claus, AKA, "What's funny in RPs is probably really dumb in fanfiction."**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

_Incoming News: Approximately one week before the dethroning of the Nowhere Islands' Princess Kumatora, the entire world has gone to shit; I repeat, the entire world has gone to shit._

_The man who took her place is apparently a child, and an extremely irritating one at that. His coronation 'speech' mostly involved him going on about how he was 'gonna swag this place up', whatever that's supposed to mean._

_This kid has absolutely no idea how to run this place and has no guidance due to the lack of any official guardian. The only intake of common sense he gets is from his twin brother, and he's a fucking pussy._

_Please put us out of our misery._

Wess looked at the article of the latest issue of 'Tazmilian Shenanigans' and tossed it aside, "Pfft, kids these days, taking over kingdoms with little to no notice. What little rascals."

Then he realized something.

"Wait a second- that means that all four of the kingdoms are run by kids now… ok, technically speaking, teenagers- oh god."

As if on cue, Duster came charging through the house and slammed the front door, zipping past Wess on his quest to lock every single window.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Wess asked the obvious question.

Between pants of breath, Duster wheezed, "They... said…I…needed…"

"Needed what? A brain?" Wess made an unfunny joke.

"Swag. They said I was… illegal… because I didn't… have… swag…"

Duster then fainted on the spot.

Looking at the miserable form of his un-swagified son, Wess squinted his eyes as he muttered under his breath.

"_It begins_."

* * *

Meanwhile, as all hell broke loose, Claus was admiring his new kingdom by looking out of a balcony window wistfully- Disney Princess style.

He gave a satisfied exhale and turned to his not-royal-brother, "Can't you just feel the swag already? I feel like this place is already starting to improve."

What he received was a deadpan expression from said brother, "Are you sure you know what you're doing? I mean, a kingdom is kinda big and all…"

"'Course it's big, that's why I needed it. A tiny, old village just ain't enough to maintain my awesomeness."

Lucas muttered and let his eyes drift to the side, "I don't think an entire universe would be enough to maintain your ego…"

"What was that?"

"N-nothing!"

Claus then receded and exited the room to get a sandwich or something. Staring outside of a window and promoting swag was back-breaking work, and naturally he was famished. Lucas, being the lost puppy that he is, followed him.

"Oh, uh, I forgot to give you a message."

Not bothering to turn around and face his twin, he stated, "Spill it."

"I-it's actually a letter from the kingdom of Onett…"

Ah, yes, Onett; yet another kingdom run by a kid. And yet somehow Onett has been run a lot more smoothly within the span of a year or so than the Nowhere Islands within a week. Regardless, who the king is and how he runs the kingdom is largely irrelevant to the plot by this point.

By the time the unnecessary exposition ended, Lucas had handed the letter over to Claus. He quickly scanned the contents and stared blankly towards Lucas.

"The king planned a visit to the castle today, huh?"

"H-he did?"

Claus slightly nodded and continued to stare at Lucas, "Lucas, when did you get this letter?"

"A-a few days back… why?"

Anyone else would have lunged at the poor kid's throat at that point. Hell, Claus would have probably done that as well if it were anyone else. But Lucas is a special kind of stupid; he managed to be simultaneously intelligent in the ways of politics and yet was hopelessly clueless in the ways of acting like a normal human being. Still, he also managed a good chunk of Claus's _actual _responsibilities as a king, so he pretty much had to let it slide.

"Lucas, go around the castle and spread the news. Make sure the place is all fancy-schmancy and stuff too so I won't get bitched out by some random-ass royals."

"Sur- wait, why are you ordering me? I'm not some servant of yours!"

"Yeah, well, you're my bro, and you're also guilty. Now shoo."

Lucas frowned and followed his orders as directed. As he did that and watched the inevitable chaos unfold, Claus leaned on some random wall and crossed his arms as he viewed the sight.

A grin grew on his face, "Being king is a lot more fun than I'd originally imagined."

* * *

After many shenanigans ensued, sure enough, Onett royalty found itself upon the Nowhere Kingdom's turf. A few knocks on the castle's door sent the entire work crew in another panic as Lucas tried shushing them.

"Guys! It'll be alright! All you guys have to do is look professional and stuff, and we'll take care of the royalty!"

"We? I don't think so."

The attendance directed their attention to their self-proclaimed king who had just made his entrance. He struck a pose, "I'll take care of everything from here on out."

"Kid, you don't even know what you're doing!" some random worker had the misfortune of talking back against Claus, who promptly glared back.

"If this is a kingdom full of swag, where are all the memes?"

That last word, memes, the sinister and unholy word echoed within the depths of the ginger's swagified mind. In mere microseconds, something inside of him triggered, and not the shitty Tumblr definition of trigger either, but the actual raw definition of something-ticking-him-off-to-make-him-go-off-the-wall kind of trigger.

"You will NEVER speak of those forsaken…_things_, ever again, lest you wish to be hung."

Yeah, Claus was one of those people who you don't fuck around with the moment they moment they start speaking actual English.

And yet, it didn't really phase into the random one-off character that he should be afraid. Still, regardless of how stupid the kid's swag was, money was money, and those bills aren't gonna pay themselves, "Y-you're right, your majesty. I'll stay quiet…"

"Good. Lucas, you're to stay in your room until they leave."

Lucas, who was staring blankly at the nonsense occurring, did a double-take, "Wha- why?! I wanna meet the Onett royalty too!"

"Too bad, now go."

"Bu-"

"GO."

Lucas frowned at him and reluctantly did as he was told, possibly plotting some vengeance as he did so.

Just as he left, more impatient knocks were heard on the doors. Having been fed up with it, Claus prematurely stomped over to the castle's entrance and opened the door, giving a flat expression along with a deadpan, "Yo," to the unfortunate victim.

"…'Yo'?" echoed the victim in question who ran his hands through his dark hair in confusion, "Ah, right, you must be the new King I keep hearing about."

Claus put his hands on his hips, thinking that it made him look cool or something, "What makes you say that?"

"Oh, nothing; just hearing about this kid going around trying to 'swag things up'. Of course, you're the …swaggiest kid I've ever seen, so I assumed…"

The swaggie kid blinked in astonishment, not anticipating a compliment so grand, "Well ya got the right!" he perked up as he pointed a thumb towards himself, "Name's Claus, you?"

"Ness, king of Onett," the newly deemed Ness introduced before immediately reverting, "Though you can call me…

The King of _Memes_."

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**I feel like this entire fic is just going to be me giggling at my own sad in-jokes that I share with absolutely no one on this site. I'll try to make it something more, but in the end, it's just a dumb fic that I do whenever I'm losing my 'writing touch', what little there is.**

**But whatever. Off topic (because it actually involves good fanfiction that _isn't _written by me), but I recently started a fanfiction blog for authors to post fics they like on Tumblr called Smash-Library. Of course the fics have to be Super Smash Bros related, which means that every Mother fanfiction applies! So go check it out!**


	2. Meme Royalty

**Eyyy, look I'm doing stuff again, what are the odds? Man, winter break is usually my upload time for fanfiction, isn't it? Throughout the rest of the year, it's all like, "Nah, I don't feel like writing just yet," or "Hey, look at these APs that I made myself take cause I hate myself," or as of recently, "Who needs fanfiction when you have Smash?"**

**But that's neither here nor there. Chapter's also dedicated to the real meme, Mimi, considering she made me get off my butt and update, even if I barely put Paula in this chapter. On the bright side though, chapter three's gonna be pretty Paula heavy, considering I had to cut this chapter in half.**

**Whatever. Enjoy, memes.**

* * *

With Onett royalty came many foreigners, and as such, many unfamiliar faces were sprinkled around the Nowhere Island's royal castle. Then again, with how little the newly dubbed king seemed to care about these people, they'd be unfamiliar even if they were family.

"…and that is why Mudkip is the superior starter Pokemon."

And to be completely blunt, he was _glad_ he could barely recognize these people, scoffing to himself how Torchic is superior.

Claus had spent nearly the entire conversation with Ness nodding his head and holding his tongue before he accidently started a war with the guy. He'd nearly socked Ness in the jaw when he heard his self-proclaimed 'title', only stopping when his inner voice of reason spoke some words of wisdom.

"You know if you punch him, he'll just keep throwing memes at you."

He had no idea why his voice of reason sounded like Lucas, but he made a good point there.

"… we also got a royal cat. I named it LOL cat!"

As the 'conversation' droned on with Claus considering just asking straight up what the hell he wanted, he caught notice of someone; someone who had been standing fairly close to Ness the entire time.

That someone belonged to what he could only describe as "the most hella babe he had ever laid his eyes on". Then again, he didn't really dabble around girls very often, considering the last one he came in contact with he ended up overthrowing and stealing her crown.

'_Ahhh, good times.'_

However, noticing her presence also made him realize something: she had been listening to their entire talk and didn't interrupt once. Well, ok, usually it's common courtesy to not interrupt someone, but the King of Swag was at his breaking point.

"… so then he turned around, and I was like, "FALCON PUNCH!" and then he died," Ness casually smiled as if Claus wasn't having an internal meltdown.

"So anyway-"

"Fantastic story, man, couldn't have said it better myself!" Claus decided to interrupt Ness himself, "But yeah, I've got some royal crap to take care of, so if you can cut it short," emphasis on 'short', "that'd be extremely chill."

"Oh yeah! Wow, I nearly forgot why I was here in the first place."

Cue Claus silently screaming to himself.

"But yeah, I wanted you to sign this!" Ness took out a scroll from seemingly nowhere and handed it to Claus.

As Claus looked over the contents of the scroll, his expression twisted from irritation to confusion, "Wait, is this a peace treaty?"

"Yep! I, the King of Memes, wish to end this war of memes against swag, once and for all!"

"…We're in a war?" Claus genuinely asked. '_Shit, if we're already in a war, that makes everything a hell of a lot easier.'_

"Well, we were, but once you sign this treaty, it'll be all over!" the other king cheerfully jested.

"…Huh."

Claus looked over the document again. Usually this kind of thing would immediately go to Lucas, since he supposedly knew what he was doing with this junk. Unfortunately, Lucas was probably brooding in his room at that moment, so it was all on Claus to make the right decision.

The document itself was what he could only describe as eerie. Not suspicious though; a title as horrid as the King of Memes was suspicious enough. He didn't bother reading the entire thing- it's not like he'd understand half of what the treaty held anyway- but he did notice some disconcerting bits such as 'memes' being plastered about the paper and a casual mention of 'world domination'.

Claus looked up from his reading, "What the frick-a-frack was this war about anyway?"

Ness tilted his head innocently, "Oh, you didn't know? I would've thought that royalty such as yourself would have kept up to date with current events."

"Nah, that's my br- I mean, uh, secretary's job. Yeah. That's a thing."

"…You have a secretary?"

"Pfft, duh, 'course I do. What king doesn't?"

That, combined with the fake confidence behind Claus, caused Ness to hang his head in shame. It almost made Claus feel bad for him. Almost.

"Well, if you must know about the war, you can say it was uh…" Ness trailed on as he looked above Claus, as if he were searching for the right words above his head, "a little skirmish."

"…What."

"You see, Princess Kumatora had invaded the borders of Onett. Naturally, we retaliated until we realized her tyranny was too much for us. We were nearly on the edge of defeat.

"That was, of course, until you dethroned her. Her forces had no other choice than to retreat, and as such, I took that as a peace offering.

"Now that the Nowhere Islands is free of such a corrupt leader, I can only hope that you and I can build a bridge between our two lands. We can call it: The Land of Memes and Swag."

That name alone crossed so many lines that Claus couldn't hold back his tongue much longer. As Claus recovered from his initial shock, he replied, "So, tell me, King of _Memes_," he hissed the forbidden word as if it were venom, "Tell me, why do memes come first before _swag_."

Ness didn't take his tone as a threat and shrugged, "I thought it was pretty obvious. In order for memes to be cool, you need to add swag. Without memes, then swag is nothing. Memes, you see, are an icon, and swag is a method. Naturally, the icon comes before the method. In the end, memes and swag are on the same level, hence this," he pointed towards the treaty, "and my offering for us to live in an eternal harmony of these memerifical treasures our kingdoms hold."

That was the point where Claus snapped.

"Now listen here you little-"

"Ness?"

As if she were a gift from the Heavens of Swag, the blonde beauty behind Ness finally spoke up. Her timing was impeccable as well, as Ness dropped the entire conversation and turned to her.

"Yes, Paula?"

"You left the stove on back home."

"…I did?"

"Yes, you did."

"…Surely it would've been turned off by now-"

"You don't know that, now GO,"

"Y-yes ma'am."

As the King of Memes scampered away, Claus turned to Paula as he nearly began kneeling before her.

"O Holy Shrek, thank you so mu-"

"We need to talk."

* * *

**It just goes further downhill when Shrek is mentioned in the actual story. But hey, it's nowhere near as bad as a certain friend of mine who wrote her college essay on Shrek and is writing a SonicxJigglypuff fic.**

**Seriously what are the odds.**

**Special thanks goes to Apprentice Writer, DatLittleStar, LordofClass and grovyleTheGreat for bothering to review this fic of mine. It means a lot to know that people enjoy reading the stupid-as-all-hell ideas that come to my mind (Like making a Supper Smash Bros Mishonh Form God troll fanime. May God help you if you've seen it.)**

**Expect more to come, and happy holidays!**


End file.

Earthbound, Humor