Harry Potter 1. The Infamous Jerk of A Malfoy

**Ok so here is the updated version... big thanks to Kumiko 1906 for helping think of a better format.**

**Now for the legal stuff... Disclaimer: Please note we dont own Harry Potter nor will I (Ally) ever own Draco malfoy cue crying... this is purely for entertainment values.**

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**Ok Ally here...**

**Now imagine the chaos that would ensure if a fan fiction writer actually went to Hogwarts ... evil laugh ... this is where I come in and have a lot of fun. I will interview the unsuspecting students of Hogwarts and bring you the results, plus some Professors and some grown-ups.**

**So basically I am the main character along with the Harry Potter characters... unless I can get Sam to transfer to Hogwarts... I need to owl her don't I? **

**For the purpose of these interviews I am known as ALLY ESS and I am in my fifth year at Hogwarts. Muggle born obviously. Gryffindor – bet you didn't see that coming... Useless piece of information I know but hey it is fun. D**

**Oh and during the interview I will refer to myself in third person.**

**I have a hit list for this:**

**People we'll see round Hogwarts:**

Harry Potter

Hermione Granger

Ron Weasley

Draco Malfoy (Ally)

Ginny Weasley

Fred and George Weasley

Professor Dumbledore

Professor Snape

...and the odd random witch or wizard!

**Special cases that will take special 'arrangements':**

The Marauders (time turner – I'm looking for a spell)

Molly Weasley (sneaking out of school grounds)

Professor Lupin (sneaking out of school)

Lucius Malfoy (the special arrangements is making sure we don't get killed)

Lily Evans (time turner or spell – still rooting for a spell)

Voldermort (depends how safe we feel at the time)

Ally - POV

Ok, the corridors are pretty empty today, then again I did bunk History of Magic. For two reasons:

Professor Binns is a ghost that puts you to sleep with the sound of his voice.

History of Magic is with the Slytherins today... Need I say more?

I can practically hear the snoring coming from inside the classroom. I will have to go outside though... these walls have ears... literally. Nosey rotten portraits!

I turn the corner and bump into another bunking student... take a guess... no it isn't Hermione. She would never bunk class, well if it was Divination...

No, unfortunately (just my luck!), it is the one and only Ferret Boy - aka Draco Malfoy.

"Watch it Mudblood!" Bellows Ferret Boy.

"Sorry Ferret Boy." I say trying not to laugh.

I just have to snigger as he scowls beyond the physical possibility for scowling.

"I have a name, _Mudblood_." He hisses.

He wants equality? After calling me a Mudblood... he is kidding right? I mean like I would ever call him by his name...

"Malfoy, I know I am short but picking on my height it just isn't very nice. And _low_ even for a Slytherin." I says with a smirk, I don't usually smirk but this is kinda fun.

Then again I was always a push over. Insulting my height! I know I am a shortish female with long light brown hair but it is not nice to poke fun. Tut-tut.

"Now who is making insults about heights Ess?" Fer-Malfoy says.

He raises an eyebrow. I bet he is thinking... _she is one crazy Mudblood. She should be bowing down and kissing my shoes then wiping away her Mudblood germs_. I know, I know: my mind works in crazy and mysterious ways...

"What do you think Mudblood?" Malfoy says.

Did he say something? I cringe and look round at him a confused look on my face. The portraits along this corridor are staring at me as if I was stupid. Especially that one there of Salazar Slytherin, typical that he watches Malfoy like he is a god or something close to resembling that.

"Um very good." I say extra cautious.

Malfoy smirks... oh no... This can't be good.

"Where you listening to me Mudblood?" Malfoy frowns.

"Erm yeah..." I say but really its erm no.

"What did I say?" Malfoy asks with a smirk.

"All Mudbloods should show you respect as you're a pureblood blah, blah, blah." I say watching for his reaction.

He looks shocked... maybe it's because I used the term Mudblood...

"I knew you couldn't resist me Ess, you have memorised my speeches he smirks but no that isn't what I said. Then again it was inevitable a Mudblood falling for a pureblood of power and wealth."He says in a cocky arrogant voice.

I snort.

"Something funny Ess?" says Malfoy.

Right he is really starting to bug me... like I am him... time to get this interview started! What you will now see is what is written on the notepad that is following me around.

**Ally:** Never mind... so what did you say?

**Malfoy:** Just asking if you found Binns class too boring to go to as well.

Is Malfoy making conversation? Pinch me I am dreaming... just not too hard. I bruise like a peach.

Ow! I told you not to pinch me too hard!

**Ally:** Besides other things... yes.

**Malfoy:** What other things?

**Ally:** We're in with your House, you know... the Slytherins.

Malfoy just smirks yet again.

**Ally:** Well since you are not in class and I am not in class, I was wondering.

**Malfoy:** I don't date Mudbloods!

YUK! I can't believe he is even suggesting... yuk! Ok so he has some good looks... ok a lot of good looks. That doesn't many I am going to be like Pansy Parkinson. Malfoy is an ass and I wouldn't date anyone that calls me Mudblood.

**Ally:** What you are suggesting is morally wrong on so many levels... for me!

**Malfoy:** You would be lucky to get someone like me you insolent little Mudblood!

**Ally:** Coming from the death eater known as Ferret Boy!

He looks hot when he is angry... hell what am I thinking? Why the hell am I babbling?

**Malfoy:** What was it you were going to ask then?

**Ally:** Let's just say it is a... project. I need to interview a few people...

**Malfoy:** Why haven't I notice that pad following you and writing?

**Ally:** Don't worry it is only writing my thoughts...

As if! It has been writing the whole conversation so far.

**Malfoy:** And you want to interview me?

**Ally:** ...

Not really the most powerful wand in shop is he? Or the sharpest tool in the shed. I have told him this already.

**Malfoy:** Yes or no Ess?

**Ally:** What part or since you're not in class and I am not in class did you not understand?

**Malfoy:** The part where I had to spend time with a Mudblood.

This guy is really pushing my buttons... and not in a good way.

**Malfoy:** Fine Ess you may have ten minutes of my time.

We make our way out to the lake to have the interview there because we were getting dirty looks of the portraits.

**Ally:** What is your opinion on blood purity? And I want your most honest answer.

**Malfoy:** It doesn't bother me too much unless the Mudblood hangs around with Potter and Weaselbee. Though, pure bloods are superior.

**Ally:** Good luck explaining that to anyone other than me... they will rip your head off. Ok next question...

**Malfoy:** Do I get to ask questions?

**Ally:** ...

I raise my eyebrow. This interview is so not going how I planned.

**Malfoy: **Why do you talk to Potter, Weaselbee and the Mudblood?

**Ally:** Hello... I am a Mudblood!

I wave my hand in front of his face.

**Ally:** My question now... what do you think of fan fiction?

**Malfoy:** It's ok; I have read some good stories on that. The pairings can be a little weird or totally out of the question sometimes but the stories are great.

**Ally:** Cool so Malfoy, are the Slytherins in with Gryffindor next lesson for Defence against the Dark Arts with Umbridge?

**Malfoy:** Yeah, great woman that one.

**Ally:** You fancy her?

**Malfoy:** EW! NO! I would rather date a Mudblood.

I raise my eyebrow. Was that meant as an insult or a compliment?

**Ally:** Well Malfoy, you have been sucking up to her lots lately... and please don't insult me again.

**Malfoy:** It is called extra credit... she does work for the Ministry. And _Ally_ I wasn't insulting you... please call me Draco.

I stop walking. Did he just call me by my first name? Draco Malfoy just called me by my first name and wants me to call him by his. I feel like I am going to faint! Where is a camcorder when you need one? Damn I forgot muggle electrics don't work near magic... damn!

**Ally:** B...b...but I am a muggleborn, why would you want me to be on first name terms with you?

Malfoy just smirks.

**Ally:** Seriously, Malfoy, I want an explanation. _Now_.

**Malfoy:** Well maybe not all Mudbloods are that bad. Maybe if you knew what it was like to hang around with someone who is actually of high ranking you may realise your mistake in talking to Potter, Weaselbee and Granger. And didn't I tell you to call me Draco?

**Ally:** What do you mean '_hang around with someone of high ranking?'_ I seriously hope you don't mean yourself... I would rather kiss a grindylow.

**Malfoy:** Well I can organise that then you can hang around with me.

**Ally:** Get real, Draco!

Malfoy smirks his trade mark smirk.

**Malfoy:** Took you long enough...

**Ally:** ... Eh?

**Draco:** You called me Draco.

**Ally:** Oops. It was unintentional... speaking of which, _why_ do you want me to call you Draco?

**Draco:** Hm, good question, Ally... because it sounds so nice coming from your lips.

The bell rings for end of lesson before I can answer. I gladly take this as an end of interview sign and run up into the school. Up the moving staircases and into Defence against the Dark Arts and take my seat next Neville. Draco sits across the aisle smirking in my direction every so often... not that I don't enjoy it. I am in for the longest hour of my entire life.

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Read and Review please!!

A/N: Please note this is the edited version of chapter 1

- Ally

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	2. Double Trouble It's Weasley Time!

Heya hope you like the Chapter before this is the next installment- Ally**

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**Double Trouble - It's Weasley Time!**

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Ally - POV

After class I walk out of the door and into the corridor only to be pulled into a darkened alcove!

"Whoever you are you better hope you know good counter spells!" I say a little scared.

"Oh come of it Ally, we both know your spells lack... I could help you improve by tutoring you." A voice says, the smirk evident in the tone of voice.

"What in the dark arts? Sorry Draco I don't think so..." I say when I recognise the voice.

I feel lips crash down onto mine. The cocky git! The kiss deepens. That arrogant... hot... evil... seductive... cocky... git! Draco breaks the contact.

"Go out with me Ally." Draco says.

"But I am a Muggle born..." I answer confused.

My heart beats faster. He can't be serious. The hottest bad boy in school, who is against what I am wants to date me!

"I don't care; I have never met a Mudblood quite like you. You have the attitude of a pure blood. Say yes... please." Draco replies... attitude of a pure blood my ass. I bet it is because I don't let his comments get to me, come on I am proud to be a 'Mudblood'.

"Yes... YES! But can we keep it a secret?" I think about my friends, I don't think they would handle it very well. Especially Sam, Fred and George.

"Why? I want the school... especially the Weaslebee twins, Potter and Weaslebee to know you're mine." Draco comes back with.

Draco pouts. Awwwww he is so hot! He looks so cute and innocent when he pouts. Then again a lion looks cute but that doesn't mean you pet it.

"Well..." I say. "It is just you have a reputation to up hold and I am friends with your enemies... we need to break this to everyone gently."

"You are right and that is why I love you..."

He _loves_ me!!

I stare wide eyed.

"So we should just keep this conversation to ourselves..."

Damn, I wish I had activated the pad now... what? It is reverse psychology... tell me one thing I want to do another.

"Did you hear what I just heard, George?" A voice says, mops of red hair coming into view.

"Sure did, Fred. Malfoy's got the hot's for Ally!" The other voice laughs.

Draco growls angrily and steps back from me like I'm contaminated. That hurts...

"Weasley's... get lost! Go crawl back into that pigsty you call home." Draco fumes.

"Charming as usual Malfoy." Fred sneers.

"Couldn't agree more, Fred. Forget to take your daily rant-a-thon with Snape this morning?" George agrees. This is not looking good.

"Get lost ferret-boy and go kiss Umbridge... you suck up to her enough, maybe it is time to take the final step..." I snap, mad at him for acting as if I am dirt.

"You're right Ess... maybe I should, it would be far better than kissing a filthy little Mudblood." Malfoy says looking me up and down at the word Mudblood.

He bends close to my ear and whispers the one set of words I never thought I would hear escape a Malfoy's lip's. _I am sorry my angel, I will make it up to you later_. In bending close to my ear, we gain confused and curious looks from dumb and dumber. Ahem, I mean Fred and George. I love them really, they are my best friends. In the whispered words I knew everything between us was ok and what was said, was said in carry on to fool the pranksters stood before us.

"Now Ally dearest, what was that Ferret Boy whispered to you." Fred smirks with a raised eyebrow.

"You are like a younger sister we need to protect." George pouts when I shake my head.

"Mostly because mum sees you as a daughter and if you get hurt she'll skin us alive..." Fred counters.

"With our own wands!" George cries.

In my opinion they deserve everything Mrs Weasley puts their way... plus more!

"It was just Malfoy being Malfoy... don't worry about me I can handle myself, you know I am inviting my friend Sam to Hogwarts... Dumbledore said we need some exchange students."

I for some reason rub the spot where Malfoy's lips touched my skin... yes he kissed my neck briefly in the darkness.

"That is nice Ally. I think she is evading our question George..." Fred retorts.

On the topic of questions I think I will activate that pad now... hence start secret interview on the unsuspecting... evil laugh.

**George:** I think you're right Fred.

**Fred:** I am not trying to help her evade the question... but what's with the flying notepad?

Damn it... rumbled.

**Ally:** I am doing interviews for an um... project... for um... my friend Sam... too let her ehm... know what the students of Hogwarts are like. Want to take part?

**Fred:** I don't know what do you think Fred?

**George:** Oh I don't know George...

**Ally:** Give over guys... you may be able to fool your mum but you cant fool me with the lets switch names trick!

**George:** Ally I am crushed and here I thought you loved me and we were to be married.

Fred nods.

**Fred:** Mum was totally set on it.

**George:** Ah can you imagine the children Fred?

**Fred:** Born pranksters! Ally's brain for the cures and creativity. You're cunning, knack for mischief and handsomeness. Wow, the perfect child.

Both twins smirk and I moves along the wall trying to get to freedom. Or at least to a place where there is an escape route.

**Ally:** Your thoughts on fan fiction?

I evade the whole we are soul mate speech from George... he is only messing around anyway... I hope.

**Fred:** I like it when they pair me with Hermione. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

**George:** You man-whore... Hermione is mine!

I smirk... forgotten all about me.

**George:** Ah-ha I can marry Hermione and Ally can be my mistress... sorted!

I growl lowly... I spoke too soon.

**Fred:** Now who is the man-whore?

Fred smirks.

**Fred:** Hermione, Katie or Ally... choose now or forever hold your peace.

**George:** Awwwww, ok I choose Katie. What about you... Ally, Hermione or Angelina?

**Fred:** Hmm Ally obviously... nah I wouldn't put you through that Ally, I choose Angelina.

I thank Merlin inwardly, as much as the boys could be sweet. Rarely might I add. They drive me insane to the point where Mrs Weasley has to stop me from killing them.

**Ally:** Moving on... what is the appeal of pulling pranks?

Fred and George gasp. I roll my big brown eyes at them.

**Fred:** Ally, shame on you.

**George:** Fred is right... shame on you. Wait... why is it shame on her?

**Fred:** She should know the answer to this... she pranks with us, she helped us to come up with the Skiving Snack-boxes!

**George:** ...and the cures!

I bite my lip, I never wanted that to be brought up again. I know what is coming now...

**Fred:** As punishment, this interview is now terminated and...

**George:** ...and you can spend the afternoon after dinner testing our products, we need to perfect cures for some of them which therefore require a trip to the infirmary my dear Ally.

I stand looking at them on the verge of tears... this usually works on them. Their expressions remain cold and unyielding. Oh no. This isn't good. Fred shoves something in my mouth... it tastes alright I guess. I wonder what it does. I blink.

I open my eyes once more to find myself staring round the inside of the hospital wing of the school. Damn those guys! I am going to kill them!

I see Madam Pomfrey - hence known as Madam P - walking towards my bed on seeing me awake.

"Ah my dear you are awake..." The gentle harsh voice of Madam P says soothingly.

"I am going to kill them!" I screech groggily.

"I thought as much. Your note pad told me a lot, which helped. Those two are worse than the Marauders." Madam P laughs. I mean she seriously laughed... this is another I wish I had a camera moment... oh well.

"You mean _the_ Marauders? As in James Potter – Harry's dad, Mr Sirius Black, Professor Remus Lupin and that traitor Peter Pettigrew?" I say jumping up excitedly.

"One in the same... pity you can't interview them for your 'Project'." Madam P states, winking at me on the word 'Project'.

I could kiss Madam Pomfrey right now; she has given me the best idea ever!

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As always please read and review... thank you.

- Ally

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Harry Potter, Humor