Fate

Sometimes you don't need words to communicate with someone, a tilt of head, a raise of an eyebrow, a deep breath or a slightest movement of lips could say everything, mostly the silent communication uses eyes, all the emotions written all over them.

That's how he felt with her. He didn't need to tell her everything, because she already knew. He rarely had to tell her if a case was hitting too hard, because she knew him well enough to tell from a slight change in mood, the way tension builds up in his features, the way his eyes burn and the way he closes down. He didn't feel the need to voice his thoughts, because usually she already knows.

Never, not once, he told her about the feelings growing inside of him, and now he never will. He likes to believe that she knows, because he likes to believe that his partner feels the same, not that this is a consolation prize, but somehow it feels good to know that he's not suffering alone, but that doesn't mean that he wants her to suffer. He'd never want that for her.

He had everything planned out in his mind up to the time they'll retire and grow old together. He had gone over every detail with such care, that nothing could go wrong, when in fact nothing is going as it should be.

Elliot never could have imagined the tricks fate had planned for him. He didn't know that 23 years ago, when he thought that he met the first woman he could see himself growing old with. It didn't matter, when she got pregnant and there was just one thing he could have done, and that he did – he proposed.

They were happy, even though there were days when he selfishly thought about himself – what he wants. He usually didn't allow himself to think about all the things he missed, because he didn't want to regret his decision, he couldn't. And for the first 15 years of marriage and 4 kids later he rarely did.

The regret came rushing after that one ill-fated meeting on a cold winter morning, that promised to be like any other, but it wasn't. He could feel it then, the first time he laid eyes on her and he could still feel it – the regret.

Almost a quarter of a hundred years ago he was so nervous, but he knew he was attracted to Kathy, but in the 1-6 precinct, he wasn't nervous, instead he was utterly calm, it's like he had known her all of his life, but in fact he just met her.

Fate decided to play a trick on him – it gave him a woman and family long before he met his soulmate. If only he had known that back then.

He didn't need words with Olivia, he knew her thoughts just by looking at her and she could do the same, it was never like that with Kathy. Over the years with Olivia, he grew to be the man he was destined to be with the woman he was supposed to end up with, but didn't.

Elliot tried to protect her – if other men asked about her, he always implied that she was taken and they shouldn't ask her out. Truthfully he didn't do it to protect her, he did it to protect him – to keep Olivia all to himself, because he couldn't bear the thought of losing her, also he didn't want her to be stuck like he was, when Kathy got pregnant.

Olivia is like a wind, a free spirit. In all of those years he'd known her, he has come to realize, that she is amazing, she is the Sun, but men around her want to take away the light and warmth she offers – they want to destroy the star she is. Elliot knows that it would be a huge loss to the world, if someone takes something so wonderful away, so he tries to keep the world a better place or at least that's what he keeps telling himself.

She's to wonderful to belong to someone or something, because then she might lose that wonderfulness.

Even though he knows that he'll say goodbye to her eventually, because someone so wonderful deserves to be happy, knowing that he won't be there to give her everything pains him, it plagues his thoughts, keeps him up at nights and sometimes it takes away all reasons he has to stay here.

As he sees her waiting in the hallway, he knows it is the end, and he also knows that she knows it. He knows right now is the moment and if he lets it slide, he'll never forgive himself.

So he pulls her for a hug. They haven't shared such intimate physical contact before, just occasional touch of a hand or shoulder, an accident in which they come to contact, but never in such intimate way.

He doesn't say anything, neither does she, but they both know the meaning of the hug perfectly. It's an apology, because they never got to be happy together; it's an appreciation for saving his wife and son; it's a confession of every feeling buried deep inside; it's a glimpse of what could have been; but most of all it's a goodbye.

In the dull halls of a hospital, close to families welcoming the birth of their kids, where they say their goodbye to each other – nothing ever happened and now it ever will, but it's the moment they realize how cruel this world is.

And it's not okay. One hug is simply not enough, but it has to be, because it's all there is.

He closes his eyes for just a fraction of second and he gets a glimpse of everything that could have been, yet he has only himself to blame.

The only difference is, the party from another lifetime didn't change only the lives of Elliot and Kathy, but it also changed the way life was meant to be for Olivia, except she never got to taste the experience of true love.

The only true love she ever got was from Elliot and that was a love from a distance, but even if it feels good, and seems like it's enough, it never is.

Just like the hug is not enough and he knows it the moment his hands release her and her smaller frame departs from his.

But it has to be enough.

As they stroll down the halls, he keeps on wondering what will happen to Olivia, he doesn't care about himself anymore – he doesn't have the right to be selfish anymore. He keeps thinking if one day they'll walk the same halls, except it's her baby sleeping in one of these rooms. He hopes he has the chance, but deep inside he knows that he took everything from her in that party.

And he knows that one fine day he has to let go of her completely. And it hurts.

Words are not necessary for them, never will be. A touch, a look, a change of features undetectable to everybody else – it's all they need. So they don't talk, because they know the conversation they should be having, they should have had so many times.

The question same in her mind, the one she once voiced.

"_What about me?" _

And the silence of his answer is still clear. He couldn't have said it then and he can't do it ever – he even doesn't know where to begin.

There's not an apology good enough for her, because she deserves more. She deserves to hear about everything he's been keeping inside, every thought, every dream and every single word of the regret, the unimaginable pain he feels thinking about her. She deserves everything and then so much more, but he knows that no matter what he'll ever say, it's not good enough.

He's not good enough.

So he stays quiet, knowing she knows it.

Praying she does.

Knowing she deserves more.

Also knowing he doesn't deserve her and that's why it has to be goodbye. He has to say goodbye, because maybe then she can finally find some of her happiness, pieces of heaven.

It's strange how he finds comfort in thinking that he'll never be okay without her, he could almost feel the agony waiting for him, but he finds solace in hoping that she'll find someone, that' she is no longer alone and the smile covers his face. He hopes for it, because she deserves it and he is unable to give it to her.

As the elevator doors close behind them, he can't help but find irony in hospitals – somehow the defying moments in their relationship happen here and not to his great surprise everything points to the eventual departing about to come.

But for the moment he looks over at her and feels content, because even though he will have to give her up, it's not today.

As their eyes meet and their hands barely apart, his blue ice meets the warmth her brown orbs offer, but he can see through the sadness behind them and he knows, she knows everything that went through his mind. And she knows that too, because their minds have always seemed to be working at same wavelength.

"_You're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye."_

That's what he really has been thinking – saying to her – all the time, yet he doesn't have to say those worlds to her, because she already knows.

And he knows she has been saying the same thing.

"_Goodbye."_


End file.
