Semper Fidelis

A/N: This is kind of disjointed, but I like it that way. I hope you will too. As always, I don't own the characters and am making no profit from this. Enjoy, and please review!

Olivia's fingers tremble as she grasps the necklace. Not just any necklace; Elliot's semper fidelis. One of the most important relics from his days in the Marines.

The necklace represented so many things for Elliot. He'd bravely served his country for so many years. He'd put himself in danger, sacrificed his physical and mental health constantly for the good of the people. He'd traded his happiness and more to protect the innocents.

She couldn't be mad at him for not talking to her. Not after all he'd been through. He'd been shot several times during his career, and shot at more times than that. He'd been threatened, he had faced other terrifying situations. His former partner had killed himself; he had been forced to pretend to be the thing he hated; he had seen the criminals win; he had seen people close to him attacked. And then, the last straw; having to shoot a girl who had barely had a chance to live, who was the same age as his own daughter.

Anyone would simply lose it after all that. She herself probably would, someday, unless she switched units. It is simply too much, seeing the things they see day in and day out.

Indeed, even Huang, stoic, unyielding man that he was, had announced his retirement just a few weeks before Elliot. It was time for him to settle down with his lover- fiancée, now that gay marriage had been made legal- and maybe even start a family with him. It was time for him to find his happily-ever-after, and he'd earned it. No one could deny that; George had been an essential part of their team for ten years, and they didn't know where they'd be without him. He had worked so hard and done so much for both them and the FBI.

But seeing the both of them leaving so close together had made it even harder. With the struggles the SVU team faced every day, they needed to stay close. Each of them were acrobats taking a turn walking a trapeze, while the others stood below with a safety net, ready to take their turn when the person either completed the challenge or fell.

But now there were two less people to hold the net up. They'd quickly gained two more team members, but as great as Nick and Amanda were, they didn't know how to hold the net yet. They stood awkwardly to the side, watching the others interact and feeling too intimidated to try and step in since the others were so attuned to each other. They felt like they would be intruding. And, Olivia had to admit, they were justified in thinking that. They had never been too good at letting outsiders in- they couldn't afford to be.

As she stares at the medallion, her thoughts tumble around in her head, crashing into each other and creating pure chaos. She feels dazed.

What's going to happen to her, when her time to leave comes? Will it be on happy terms, like Huang, with the prospect of a loving family and, to use that cliché phrase, greener pastures? Or will it be like Elliot; withdrawing from everyone around her, leaving her loved ones hurt and confused?

Or what if she ends up even worse than that? What if she spirals into a hopeless depression, like Lauren Cooper, and kills herself? She still remembers that day, watching helplessly as Lauren pulled the trigger. She isn't sure why she had attached to Lauren so quickly, and she doesn't really care. All that matters is that she had felt a real, special bond with that woman, but it had all gone up in smoke when Lauren had put that gun against her head.

Would someone scream and cry for her, like she had done with Lauren? Would there be people hugging and trying to comfort each other? Who would attend her funeral, and what would they say for a eulogy?

She doesn't want to kill herself, really, nor does she want to die. She just feels lost and confused. And tired. She wants answers. How can she fix this mess? What does her future hold? How can she stop herself from following in Lauren's footsteps?

The medallion shines and, when the light catches it at an angle, sparkles a little. She thinks of the stories in the Bible, where God's followers receive messages through the stained glass window of a church.

Semper fidelis. Always faithful. Faithful to who? Or what? For Elliot, she knew, it was his family. They were number one on his list. He loved Kathy and his kids with all his heart and would do anything for them.

What did it mean for her? Who or what was she always going to be faithful to?

She took a long look around the squad room, and just like that, she had her answer. And she had known before she had even asked the question. Her job. That was where she'd leave her stamp. No matter what the cost to her sanity. This was where she belonged.

Maybe Elliot had given her this medallion to remind her of that. Not in a mean way, as if saying that her job was always going to be the only thing in her life, but in a kind, gentle way, reminding her of the victims she'd always faithfully fought for and would have to continue to fight for in the future. Because if not her, who else would?

Suddenly, as though clouds have dispersed to reveal a shining sun, things make sense. Elliot had simply given up on his job to be faithful to his family, the one place where he was needed more than anyone else. He hadn't meant to hurt her, and the medallion was his way of telling her that. And it wasn't as though he never wanted to hear from her again; just not if it was about work, or trying to convince him to come back, which is what she would have done if she'd talked to him right after he'd resigned.

With that realization, she almost wants to drop by his house and talk things out with him, and she makes an abortive gesture for her phone before thinking better of it. She does want to talk to Elliot, and she will in time, but right now, there's something else.

Her job. Elliot is at the place where he is needed, and she is where she's needed. The victims come first for her.

Semper fidelis.

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to steady herself, she stands and gets ready to canvass their newest victim's neighborhood for information.


End file.
