Harry Potter 1. The Beginning

When you think eating disorder, you probably think of some beautiful girl who doesn't eat and always exercises and is perfectly thin and maybe a bit sad. But most of all, you know she can be saved. Well, I'm here to tell you that's not always the story. Sometimes it's just some fat ugly bitch who is too stupid to just lie down and die, and thus must be dramatic about it.

I'll give you a hint: that's me.

Yes, me, Ginny Weasley, who was always so strong, so independent in her family of all boys. Confession time, that was all an act. Gutsy, confidant Ginny Weasley never really existed. I tried so hard to be her, but I never quite made it. That Ginny had tons of friends, was pretty, happy, married _Harry Fucking Potter_, savior of the wizard world. As for me, I was alone, ugly, unhappy and unloved. I always was. I suppose you're probably wondering how a girl with such a perfect life got this way. That's what I'm here to tell you about, unfortunately.

If you're expecting traditional story-telling with a plot and narration and whatever the hell else, then stop reading right now. This is my story, and I'm going to tell it however I want. Alright? Alright.

Moving on. I'm the youngest of seven, and a girl. So I had to hold my own amongst the boys, yet still be girly enough to please my mum. Let me tell you, it's tougher than it seems. Lots of therapists want to say that that is the reason I'm so screwed up, but I beg to differ. Some of them say it's an aftereffect of the war. Wrong again. A few even point to the fact that I was possessed by Voldemort himself, maybe some residual taint remains. In case you can't tell, I've seen a shit-ton of therapists. And all of them are pretentious assholes who don't believe me when I tell them the real reason behind all of this. What is it, you ask? I'm getting there.

So, I went to Hogwarts, made friends, fell in love with Harry, etc. You all know that story. Well, you think so, at least. And now you're all waiting for me to drop a bomb on you, say that I was abused or in love with Voldemort or something stupid like that. In reality, it's a lot less exciting. Actually, it's downright fucking pitiful. Do you really want to know how all this shit started?

I was trying to impress Harry.

There you have it. I ruined my entire life for some guy who married me anyway. I told you it was pitiful. Hell, even Harry yelled at me when he found out. I was perfectly happy and threw it all away because I thought it wasn't enough. See, therapists don't believe you when you say that. They keep looking for a trigger. But I found one who is pretty damn good. And, believe it or not, it's Luna.

Yes, one of my best friends is my therapist. To be totally honest, she's the only reason why I'm writing this. She thought it would be good for me. But trust me, this is just the beginning. It gets a lot worse from here. This right here is your final warning. Don't. Keep. Reading.


	2. Things Start Going Wrong

So, I'm back. I figured I'd better start off with the lighter stuff, just the beginning of it all, and then go on from there. Now, this part of my life isn't particularly interesting, so I'm just going to summarize for you.

Second and third year just kind of laid the groundwork for, well, the rest of it. As you all know, Harry was busy falling for Cho Chang at this point in time. Well, contrary to popular belief, I was not as oblivious as you thought. Not only was I not oblivious, I was jealous as hell. I hated Cho Chang more than I'd ever hated anyone else. The way I saw it, Harry had just saved my life, so, logically and in perfect fairytale style, we were going to ride off into the sunset on a big white horse to a castle in the sky where we would live happily ever after. Harry was not interested in this plan. Harry was going to ride off with Cho Chang instead. And that was clearly unacceptable.

I started comparing myself to her, as most girls do. And, as most girls do, I came up short. She had long dark hair, flawless skin, a slim and athletic figure, and two years on me. There wasn't really much I could do about any of that. Except, of course, my body. That was completely under my control.

Now, I was pretty naïve in second year. Anorexia was completely unknown to me. So I just tried eating healthier. No one noticed, of course. Even then I was subtle about it. And I started losing weight, little by little.

That summer was terrible. My mom kept trying to feed me ridiculous foods, and I just had to submit because there was no way I could tell her what was really going on. I mean, what would I say? I have to be perfect so the savior of the wizard world will love me? Ha.

Thank god, we got back to school eventually. It was the year of the Triwizard Tournament. With all of the hullabaloo, nobody noticed that little Ginny Weasley was spending a lot of time alone in her dorm. Truth is, I was exercising like crazy. I would do a thousand crunches a night, push-ups, jumping jacks, squats, and more. I went a little bit overboard, in case you couldn't tell. Somewhere in the midst of that, I got the genius idea to try and make Harry jealous. So, when Neville asked me to the Yule Ball, of course I said yes. How was I to know that Harry himself would ask me in a moment of need? I was so mad.

Unfortunately, Neville was not a particularly good date. The good news is that I somehow managed to fall in with a Ravenclaw named Michael Corner and the jealousy plan was back in action. At this point in time I had started eating less, but not even on purpose. It was a subconscious thing. But this, coupled with the exercise, was making me lose weight fairly quickly. Third year ended with Cedric Diggory's death.

Here is a fairly good place to stop, because this is where things start getting a lot worse, really fast.


	3. Escape

Sorry, but this is where the narrative really breaks down a little. During my fourth year I started getting pretty bad and I can still remember it pretty vividly, so I'm going to tell it like it happened. It's pretty dark, so if you have anything even remotely similar, don't read on. I say this for your own sake. Now, I'll start the story just before we left for Grimmauld Place.

"Goddamn, you're gorgeous Ginny." His voice hissed in my ear, his hands up my shirt. _Liar, _I thought. But I didn't stop him.

He left after. That's all I was to him. An easy fuck. He was the same for me. A placeholder for The One. Good enough for now.

We went to Grimmauld Place later that day. I couldn't see anyone. I was alone with my family. There was enough going on that they forgot about me. I didn't eat for three days before they noticed. Every time I sat down at the table I could hear the voice in my head telling me the same things

_Stupid_

_Fat_

_Ugly_

_He'll never love you_

_No one will_

_You. Are. Useless._

_You're wasting time_

_You're too weak to succeed_

_Stupidfatfatuglyweakstupidfatfuckingfailurenevergo ingtomakeitwhyareyoustilltryingihateyousomuchandso doeseveryoneelse_

I was breaking down.

I spent my nights exercising. 500, 1,000 crunches squats lunges jumping jacks as many as I could do before I passed out. No one noticed. Finally, I started losing weight. 130 became 120 became 110.

Harry arrived.

I came down to every meal. I Vanished my food. I talked to him. I exercised. Days passed.

I helped my mom cook sometimes, my own form of torture. The knife slipped. My finger started bleeding. The pain, the blood, was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. We Healed it. I stole the knife. Night by night, beautiful scarlet lines sliced across my stomach and thighs. It was breathtaking.

School started up again. People paid even less attention to me than at home. There are a million places to hide in a castle.

Michael showed up now and then, a release for the both of us. The year started speeding by, a blur of blood and bones and stolen happiness in closets at night. I was 98.6 lbs. by the time Harry started Dumbledore's Army.

He looked at me, sometimes. Once, he even touched me. Just to fix my wand movements, but for a moment, with his warm hands on me, I felt a little flutter of something that just might be hope. Then he moved away and it disappeared again.

McGonagall called me down to her office. She was worried, she said. My grades were slipping (But hadn't I just stayed up all night studying?) and I looked unwell (She lied, I looked almost perfect). She thought maybe I should go down to see Madame Pomfrey.

No.

I fled her office, faster than you would expect _fatfatuglystupidfatfuckingfailure _of a redhead would be able to. She had the entire staff looking for me, but I was an expert at hiding. The last thing I remember is standing on the edge of the Astronomy Tower in a full-on thunderstorm, about to jump.

**I'm sorry this story is taking so long. I'm going to try to work on it faster. And, to the anon who said they liked the story and couldn't stop reading, thank you so much. You're the main reason this third chapter even came out.**

**-N**


	4. A Break in the Clouds

In a novel or romance or something like that, I would get pulled back by the unlikely hero and fall in love with him. But it's not, so I got yanked off the edge by an irate Filch and marched down to the infirmary ignominiously. The voices in my head were screaming, flooding me with images of falling flying off the edge, a funeral where people realized what they missed, and endless peace in another world for me. But I didn't couldn't do it. I failed again. They were showing me what I missed and screaming louder than ever before.

_Fucking failure_

_You almost did something right but you just screwed it up again_

_Probably too fat to jump anyway_

_Fattoofatforeverythingeveryone_

_Worthless useless can't do anything right_

And on, all the way to the infirmary where I was immediately laid up. They weighed me: 92.5 lbs. I felt like I was close so close to being good enough. That is, if hadn't gotten caught. They found the cuts the scars. They took my blades. They locked me in the infirmary and force fed me nutrition potions and food that I hadn't had in years. It was hell.

But then one day, Luna Lovegood wandered into the infirmary. She gave me some kind of strange flower and announced the Quidditch standings. She updated me on all the gossip and stayed for nearly an hour. She was the only one who cared enough to visit, besides my mother, whom I had banned a long time ago. It was nice. She never pried, just asked one question at the very end.

"Can I come back?" she asked quietly. "I miss you." I told her of course she could

After that, Luna visited once a week, sometimes more, bringing along mutual friends and even my brothers every once in a while. We talked and laughed, and I started to get better. I took the potions with less distaste and even tried some of the food. I was allowed to sit up in bed and to walk a little sometimes. Things were looking up for the poor red-headed misfit.

About three weeks in, when I was allowed to do schoolwork and walk twice a day, she brought Harry. He took my breath away. I hadn't seen him in a long, long time and it only intensified his effect on me. His eyes were like lasers and his hair was just as messy as usual. He sat down in the chair next to my bed, shifting books and little gifts to make space. I was suddenly conscious of the fact that my hair was a rat's nest and I was wearing a hospital gown (they were going to let me have clothes later that week) and I was probably fatter than I had ever been in my entire life and here was the man of dreams who needed someone perfect and I was certainly not and there was nothing I could do but look up at Luna with eyes filled with absolute panic. He smiled at me, took my hand, and squeezed it. I started hyperventilating. I knew it was a brotherly gesture but still holy shit he actually touched me willingly and I was on the verge of the panic attack when he stood up and announced that he had to get to class soon but that he was very proud of me and hoped I would keep doing well. Luna stayed after he left, talking me down of the ledge. I made her promise never to bring him again.

Without the distraction of Him, I kept getting better. They let me out in two more weeks to resume classes, but had the portraits watching me at all times and reporting back. Under their eyes I maintained what I had, studied hard for exams, and finished the year. I'm going to stop here because this is the final pit stop to hell.

_I'm probably the slowest author ever, but I swear I have a good excuse. I been struggling a lot myself lately and just needed to take a little break. It will really be on a more regular schedule this time, I promise. See you next week!_

_ -N_


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Harry Potter, Angst, Romance