Harry Potter, Twilight 1. Jaws and Apple Soap

**A/N:** Hi.

So, this is a story that you may have seen before by the name of 'The Great Epic MultiCrossover Fic Of DOOM!' or 'Maggie & Rachel's Epic MultiCrossover Fic Of Doom!' or even 'Phineas & Ferb's Underwater Adventure under the account 'RubberDucky113,' or my old username 'NoStairwayDENIED.'(Sorry, I have a bad habit of changing names/titles.) It's exactly the same, I just moved this to a joint account between the five of us that are writing. Nothing has changed from the original except the fixing of a few typos. My account is still alive and well, if you read any of my other stories.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey everyone! This story is a little thing that my Harry-Potter-Impaired friend Rachel wrote and, since she doesn't have a FanFiction account, I told her I would publish it for her. I changed it a little from the original, so i guess you could say we're writing it together. Also, this is going to be a Multi-Chapter Crossover Fic. Unless, of course, she decides to stop right in the middle, which is probably likely to happen, but I'll try to stop her. Also, she's a little insane, so if randomosity insues, don't blame me (although, I am responsible for the Narrator/Isabella conversation.)

Also, I am not sure when the Spongebob part of this Fic comes in, but I am assuming within the next chapter or two, or i will beat my friend with a paper napkin (what? I don't actually want to hurt her, then she won't write at all, I just want to annoy her).

And, Rachel would also like to inform the peoples of the internet that she does _not_ watch Phineas & Ferb anymore and also does_ not_ watch Sponge Bob Square Pants anymore, this just randomly popped into her head, thank you very much, and seemed interesting (or so she claims).

**Summary: **When Phineas & Ferb build a submarine that transports them to Bikini Bottom, Chaos Insues! Rated T for swearing.

**Warnings:** Umm, swearing? that's all I know of so far. I'll add more ratings later if the need be.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Nothing Except the slip of paper this was written on and the cup of coffee that I am currently drinking (MWHAHAHAHA...Don't ask...). Phineas & ferb is owned by Disney, David Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh. Sponge Bob is owned by Nickleodeon and Stephen Hillenburg. Jaws is owned by Peter Benchley and Steven Spielberg. My friend Rachel owns the plot. I am but a middleman getting the story to you (and occasionally changing it a little without permission from her. Hehehe.)

* * *

It was a warm summer day. School got out just an hour ago, and now Phineas and Ferb had the whole day to do whatever they wanted.

Now, Phineas was staring off into space and Ferb was reading a book on underwater life. Then Phineas got an idea:

"Hey Ferb! I know what we're gonna do today!" Phineas started. "We'll make a submarine to see if Jaws exists!"

Yesterday, the boys watched the movie "Jaws" on TV and, even though it was fake, they both agreed that it _could_ happen in real life.

Just as they were going to get up, the back door opened.

"PHINEAS!" Candace yelled as she walked outside, "Don't make any of your crazy inventions today, and if you do, you'll be caught…"

Candace babbled on about haw she was going to the mall with Stacy and how Mom would be home all day today and blah blah blah…

After a while, Phineas just tuned her out.

"Okay?" Candace asked.

_Okay what?!?!? _Phineas thought. _I wasn't listening! Doesn't she understand that no one cares about her petty teenage worries?_

_Just say something!_ The little voice in the back of his mind said.

"Okay, we will!" Phineas said.

Candace was confused. She told them that she was going to use all of their birthday money to buy this dress that she wanted at the mall. What kind of an answer is "Okay, we will"?

"So is that a yes?" Candace asked.

"Umm…Yeah sure!" Phineas replied. Ferb glared at him.

Thanks guys! You're the best!" She said, and ran off to their room.

"I don't get it, why did she say thanks?" Phineas asked Ferb.

"Because, she asked us if she could burn all of our money on a stupid prom dress and you said 'yes', you moron!" Ferb replied in an angry tone.

"WHAT?!?! Dammit!" Phineas exclaimed and ran after Candace.

"Candace! WAIT!!!"

But it was too late. Candace had driven off with their $300, headed for the mall.

Just then, Isabella came over.

"Hey Phineas! Whatcha doin'?"

Unfortunately, Phineas didn't hear her and continued rambling on about his money:

"Well, that's just fucking great!" he yelled.

"PHINEAS!!!" Isabella was shocked at at his language, so she slapped him across the face. "DON'T. EVER. SWEAR. Tie him up Fireside Girls!"

By the time Phineas even realized what was going on, he found himself tied to a chair with Isabella standing in front of him with a bar of soap in her hand and arguing with the Narrator.

"Do I really have to clean his mouth out with soap?" she asked in a voice that could definitely be classified as "whiney".

"Yes!" the Narrator exclaimed in an exasperated voice.

"_But why?" _she asked.

"Because I said so. And also because this is supposedly important to the plot." Said the narrator as if he was talking to a small child, which he sort of was.

"Ugh! Fine!" Isabella said in a defeated yet somehow still whiney voice.

"Good girl! OK, where were we? Oh yes!"

Just then, Isabella exclaimed, " Lets wash the 'dirty' out of your mouth!"

"WAIT!" Phineas yelled.

"Ugh, what is it now?" Isabella asked.

"What flavor is the soap?"

"Oh!" she giggled "Apple!"

"NOOOOO!"

* * *

So, whaddya think?

there's only one way we'll know, ya know-

that's right, press the pretty green button.

Also, this won't be updated until at least Monday, seeing as that's when I next have school, what with Thanksgiving and everything.

Oh yeah, Rachel also said that if I don't write R&R, she'll shoot me, and, seeing as I would rather not die anytime soon, I will.

R&R!


	2. MOMMY JUMPED OFF THE ROOF!

**A/N:** Hey.

Oops. Sorry. Here's the chappie I meant to post, but accidentally posted the first again.

The eggnog part was apparently inspired by me, since eggnog and coffee are pretty much all I drink around the holidays.

I also don't get Rachel's hatred of Candace, but everyone has that one character. For me, it's Isabella. Don't ask me why, I just do.

Also, I may be, within the next couple chapters, move this from a SpongebobXPhineas and Ferb to a Harry PotterXPhineas and Ferb. There will still be Spongebob, eventually. Oh yes. But, I will also be bringing in Harry Potter (_I'll _actually be writing this part, not Rachel. My name's Maggie, if Rachel ever updates this, BTW.), Sonic (Rachel), and Family Guy (Both, but mostly Rachel.). And, honestly, I think I'll get the most readers if it's a HP/P&F Xover. I'm just selfish like that. Oh, yeah, Rachel hasn't approved of this, so _shhhh._

**Warnings: **Randomness.

**Disclaimer:** No

* * *

The next morning, Phineas and Ferb were in the kitchen eating Cocoa Puffs when Candace came in wearing one of her new outfits.

"Mom, don't I look pretty?"

Her Mom froze. _Oh my God! She's so ugly! HA! Should I lie and say she looks great? Yeah, I'll just lie._

"Umm… Mom?" prompted Candace.

"You look great, sweetie." Her mom said through her teeth with a cheesy smile plastered on her face.

"Yes! Okay! I'm going to Jeremy's house. What time should I come home at?"

_Never._ Her mom thought, _I hate Candace and __never__ want her to come back! _But outside her mind she just said, "Five O'clock, dear!"

"Thanks, Mom! Okay! Bye!" Candace said.

She drove off and then…

"YES!" her mom screamed, "She's gone! She's gone! SHE'S REALLY REALLY GONE!"

Her mom hopped around the room and did a weird dance. Then, she went upstairs, got dressed in a beekeeper's suit, got a ladder, and ran outside.

Phineas spoke. "What's she-"

Ferb cut him off. "Doing?… well, I don't think I want to know."

Unfortunately, the next thing they knew, Phineas and Ferb found themselves outside watching their mom prepare to jump off the roof.

"THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" their mom screamed, "YIPPEE!" she yelled, then jumped off the roof and promptly slid into a coma.

"Should we call the police?" Ferb asked.

Then their mom randomly screamed:

"NO! NOT THE DREADED EGGNOG!"

Phineas paused for a moment and then responded, "Nah, she'll be fine. Let's get started on that submarine."

Then the boys walked to Home Depot.


	3. Peter Griffin and Perry's Friend

**A/N:** Hey everyone. I'm finally updating this.

For once, it's not Rachels fault, it's mine. I've had this sitting on my desk since Tuesday. Sorry I haven't updated sooner, but I've had to spend massive amounts of my free time at my Grandma's bedside (She has Stage 4 cancer and is only supposed to live 5-8 more days at most. That, and I'm still really lazy.). I'll try to update more often. OKAY, RACHEL??? OKAY???

Also, the next chapter will have a section written completely by moi. I'll try to have that up by later tonight, but I'm not promising anything. It'll be the Doofenshmirtz/Harry Potter (I convinced the Rach-meister to include HP, but, her being HP-impaired and all, is making me write it. I promise it will be extremely random and pretty funny.) part. Also, I'll probably actually be collaborating with her in the near future for the Doofenshmirtz/Perry part because I know nothing about Sonic and she knows nothing about HP. But, who knows, I may be in charge of PTP/HD, and her P&F. Not sure yet, but I'll definitely be in charge of the Doof and anything involving HP.

And, new to the series an Author's Note from Rachel:

"Yes, Maggie attacked me with a paper napkin yesterday. I would write about Spongebob now, but I'm lazy, too. I'll probably write about him in chapter 4 or 5."

And (SPOILER ALERT!) I know for a fact that she won't write about him in chapter 4. How do I know? I'm currently holding the slip of paper that it's written on. And...Nope, no Spongebob. Also, you may have noticed that I moved this. That's because next chapter the X-over count will be 5. So, I moved this to X-overs.

**Disclaimer:** No.

**Warnings:** Swearing and a crude saying at the end ('That's what she said.')

* * *

By the time Phineas and Ferb got to Home Depot, everyone else was already there.

"Hi Buford, Isabella, Fireside girls, Baljeet." Phineas said.

"Hey! You forgot me!"

"Oh! Hi Peter Griffin!"

"Hi!" said Peter.

"So, you're helping us build a submarine, right?" said Phineas.

Peter, however, wasn't listening. He was staring off into the distance, where something big and yellow was heading steadily towards them.

"Uhh…Peter?" Phineas prompted.

"HE'S BACK!" Peter yelled. For standing right in front of them, was the Big Yellow Chicken.

Peter narrowed his eyes. "I'll be right back."

After the giant fight…

"Okay! I'm ready to shop!" Peter said in a tired out voice.

"Great!" Phineas said. "Hey, has anyone seen Perry?"

* * *

Do Bee Do Bee Do Ba…

"Agent P., Dr. Doofenshmirtz has built suck a powerful –inator this time that you need to call a friend to help you. A friend you know will kick his big fat ass!" Major Monogram said.

Perry thought for a moment, then wrote down his friend's number on a piece of paper and showed it to M.M.

"O.K., Agent P., I'll call him."

-Ring

-Ring

-Ring

?- Hello?

MM- Hi. This is M.M., Perry the Platypus needs your help.

?- Hmph! I have better things to do!

MM- Like?

?- Beating the crap out of people and shooting them.

MM- That's what you'll be doing.

?- Oh. Fine, then I'll help.

MM- So, what's your name?

?- Shadow the Hedgehog

MM- OK. Come to this address- (MM gave him the time and address.) OK, bye!

STH- Hmph!

-Click

* * *

Perry is crawling out of a box when Phineas spots him. "Oh, there you are Perry!"

"OK, Phineas, we're ready to go!" Isabella said. Just then, she started walking and tripped over a garden hoe. "Dirty hoe!" She screamed.

Everyone stared at her.

"What?" She said.

"That's what she said!" Everyone said in unison, and then doubled over laughing.

Then Peter walks in front of them and said:

"That was chapter 3 folks! Feel free to drop a review! Bye!" Peter went back to Quahog and everyone else went home.


	4. Weird Al & Coffee, AKA: My HP ramblings

**A/N:** Hey everyone.

So, the whole Coffee/Weird Al thing is a reaccuring topic in this chappie and most likely throughout the rest of the story. Me and Rachel got in a heated debate and it was so random that we had to add it. Can you guess who was on coffee's side? That's right. Me. Not that I don't love me some Weird Al, I do. But, trust me, he's got nothing on coffee.

So, I (finally) wrote my part of the story. I hope it's sufficently random.

**Warnings:** Swearing. And, for all of you HP fans, spoilers for up to and including OotP (Order of the Phoniex). That's the fifth book, people. So, if you've never read it, and plan to, I don't suggest reading that part of the story.

**Disclaimer:** Let me list all the things I don't own from this story: Phineas and Freb, Spongebob (Whom has yet to make an appearance), Harry Potter, Family Guy, and Sonic. There, Happy?

* * *

On the way to the dock, Isabella noticed Buford listening to his iPod.

"Hey Buford, watcha listening to?" She asked.

Buford's iPod was, unfortunately (or fortunately, if you hate Isabella, like me.) turned to the highest it could go, so he couldn't hear her.

Isabella then tried to ask him several more times. When he still didn't respond, she got annoyed and yelled, "BUFORD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"

Buford finally heard this and said, "Hardware store by Weird Al. And jeez, you didn't have to yell, you could have just asked me!"

Isabella cartoon-sweatdropped and then said, "Weird Al is the best thing on the Earth."

"Correction," Phineas said, "One- Weird Al is a person, not a thing. And two- No he isn't, coffee is."

"No, Weird Al is!"

"Coffee!"

"Al!"

"Coffee!"

"Al!"

"Coffee!

'Al!"

"Coffee!"

"WILL YOU TWO JUST _SHUT _THE FUCK_ UP!_" Ferb, surprisingly, interrupted as his eye began to twitch. "HOW ABOUT WEIRD AL _**DRINKING **_COFFEE? HUH? _**DRINKING IT!!!**_"

Everyone stared at Ferb with their mouths hanging open.

"Uh, Ferb?" Phineas asked. "Did you take your pills this morning?"

Ferb looked sheepish. "No."

"That would explain the outburst."

"Hey, Ferb." Isabella said. "That sounds like the best thing in the world."

By now, they were all at the dock.

"OK. We're all here. Now, all we have to do is put this in the water."

_

* * *

_

At Perry's secret lair…

Perry sat there in his chair, for what seemed like days, until finally the door(?) opened "'Sup, Shadow?" Said Perry as Shadow the Hedgehog entered the room. "Alright, let's go."

Just as they were about to leave, the door(?) opened again. "What's up, P. Man?"

Perry was shocked. "STEWIE?"

"Yes, I came for the mission we were supposed to do…" He noticed Shadow. "…Together. Who the devil is he?"

"Umm…Stewie," Perry started, "This is Shadow. He's my partner for the mission."

"But…"

"I'm sorry, Stewie," Perry apologized, "but you're only one."

Stewie was mad now. "AND HOW OLD IS HE? TWO?!?!?"

Shadow looked annoyed. "Fifteen."

"You're fifteen? Well, I bet you don't own a single gun."

"Actually, I own about 600. And a motorcycle."

Stewie was really mad now "BRING IT ON, HEDGEHOG!"

"LET'S GO!"

Perry sat there watching his two best friends fight. "Crap…"

_

* * *

_

Meanwhile, somewhere underground, in England…

Bellatrix Lestrange was dueling with Sirius Black. She was about to send the infamous, fatal curse when suddenly…

"Hey! Where am I?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

Suddenly, both the Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters stopped fighting.

"Who are you?" Harry Potter asked.

"I am the Evil Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz! Fear me!" in the backround, everyone could hear the 'Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.' jingle play.

"Are you a Muggle?" Remus Lupin, always the sensible one, asked him.

"A what?" Heinz asked. This was just so complicated! Everyone always asked him, 'Hey, Doof, why do you always wait for Perry the Platypus? All he's going to do is foil your plans!' Well, _this_ was why.

"I take that as a 'Yes'." Lucius Malfoy said, for once, almost kindly.

"Then how did you Apparate? And into the Ministry of Magic, no less!" Hermione said, and everyone thought in unison, _My God, she _is _a nerd._

"I didn't Appa-whatsit or whatever you called it! I was just waiting for my arch-nemesis Perry the Platypus-"

Sirius, always the joker, cut him off with a snort and said "A _platypus? _Your arch-nemesis is a _platypus?"_

"Yeah." Bellatrix said. Was she- smiling? "I'm not one to agree with my dear cousin, but, really?"

"You're one to talk." He shot back. "Your _Master's _arch-nemesis was a one-year-old, and he died!"

"Hey! I'm right here, you know!" Harry said, and, for once, everyone ignored him.

"But he got better!" Bellatrix said. Really, if you didn't get the meaning behind their argument, you'd think they were five.

"Well," Doof said, immediately silencing them, "You've never met _Perry _the Platypus, now, have you?"

"The fact still remains that he's a platypus," said Remus, "They don't do much, you know."

"Actually, they're the only mammal to lay eggs." Said Luna

"O-K, then." Said Neville.

Just then, who should burst into the room but Voldy, the Evil Dark Lord extraordinare, himself.

"I am the Dark Lord- Hey, who's he?" Voldemort said, and then pointed at The Doofenator.

"That's a Muggle named Heintz Doofenshmirtz." Said Tonks, "Apparently, He's evil, so you can have him."

"Evil, you say?" Said the Dark Lord Happy-Pants. Sorry, Voldemort.

"Yes…" Heinz said skeptically.

"Do you have an…Arch rival?" Voldy continued.

"Of course! Don't all evil people?" He said.

"Well, their supposed to- Bella!"

Bellatrix looked shocked "Milord, you're arch-nemesis is my arch-neme-"

"Oh, stop being such a suck-up!" Voldemort said.

"Ummm…" one of the members of the Order, who went by the name of Kingsley, said, "His arch-nemesis is a platypus."

"Oh!" Said Voldy. "You even have a _ridiculous _arch nemesis!"

"Remind me again _why _we are afraid of this guy?" Harry asked Sirius.

But before Sirius could respond, Minister Fudge burst into the room. "AHHH! You-Know-Who's back!"

"No shit, Sherlock." The entire Order, Death Eaters, and even He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself said in unison.

"And, Sirius Black!" Fudge screamed, while clutching his heart.

"Oh, honestly! How stupid are you? There are about thirty Aurors here, any of whom could have captured me at any time, and they haven't. Also, you'll notice how both Bellatrix and Voldemort are glaring at me. What does that tell you? Black said/asked all at once.

"Umm…"

"He's not a follower of mine, okay?" Voldemort screamed.

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's quite alright, just make sure it doesn't happen again." Sirius said in a sarcastic tone.

"'Kay."

"And make sure I'm declared innocent!" He also said, this time in a voice so whiny it could compete with Isabella.

"'Course."

"Good."

"Oh, and Black?" Fudge said.

"Yes?" Now they were both using conversational voices.

"Why is a Muggle in the ministry of Magic? And, more importantly, why is he talking to You-Know-Who and not getting killed? And, even more importantly, why is no one trying to capture said You-Know-Who?" Fudge said, continuing in his conversational voice. Really, either Fudge could put up one Hell of an act, or he really was as stupid as everyone thought. Probably the latter.

If Fudge was as stupid as everyone thought, Sirius was much, _much _stupider then what was previously suspected. This man, along with Barty Crouch, Sr., had thrown him in jail for a crime he did not commit for twelve years, then chased him down for another three. He pardons him and now they're all buddy-buddy? Right as rain?

However, the only person who noticed Sirius' strange behavior was Hermione, for everyone else was still staring at Voldemort for his outburst in admitting Sirius wasn't a follower. They probably didn't realize they could capture him, or even that Sirius was pardoned. All they were all doing, except for Sirius, Fudge, and, of course, Hermione, were wondering all about this unforeseen turn of events.

"Well," Sirius said, "This Muggle is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. He's here because- Wait, we never did get that far, did we?"

"No," Doof said, and took over, "I was just sitting in my office, waiting for my arch-nemesis, Perry the Platypus-"

"A _Platypus?_" Fudge said, and everyone groaned. Someone even yelled, "Just get on with it!"

"Yes, a platypus. I don't see why you think it's so weird. Poofenplot's rival is a Chihuahua. Anyway, I was waiting for him. And for some reason, he was really running late. So I thought, 'Screw this! If he doesn't want to show up to thwart my evil plans ontime, I'll just use my invention by myself.' So, behold, the transporterinator!"

"Transporter-inator?" Arthur Weasley said with a look on his face that was asking everyone 'Is this man mentally stable?'

"Yes!" Doofenshmirtz said indignantly. "I meant to go to my homeland, but but it seems to have miscalculated."

"Gee, ya think?" Sirius said, and continued as if he never even stopped. "Anyway, that's why he's here. Voldy's talking to him because he's evil. Got a nemesis and everything. As for why we're not attacking…I have no idea…Order, attack!" He screamed, and they did.

"Oh, shit." Said Voldemort, then turned to Doof. "Hey, Heinz, want to take over the world with me?"

"Well, I wanted to take over the Tri-State area, but World's good." Heinz responded.

"Tri-State area, you say? Well, let's start there. Death Eaters, Disapparate!" He said, and, as they left, The Order Members could hear the friendly debate of: 'What's better- Coffee or Weird Al?' Voldy, of course, was opting for coffee "Can't rule the world without caffine!"

"Oh, great!" said Harry, "What are we going to do now?"

"Well," said Dumbledore, popping out of nowhere, "We follow them to the Tri-State area, of course!"

"Who?" asked Tonks.

"Everyone."

"Everyone?" said Ron, who had somehow mystically been cured of his brain damage, "Everyone. As in, like, the whole student body, the teachers, the Order, the Ministry, and everyone who is even remotely significant or even ever been mentioned passingly?"

"Precisely."

"Isn't Hogwarts, like, thousands of years old? Wouldn't it be really bad if we move a thousand-year-old school for no apparent reason?"

"Well, yes."

"Then _why_, in God's name, would we do that?"

"Well," The Great Dumbles started, "You see, Maggie is the Author of this FanFic, so we have to, because she told us to."

"Oh." Ron said.

"Hey," Harry said, "At least you didn't die in this, Sirius."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…"

* * *

_In the Flynn-Fletcher Backyard…_

It was 5:00 P.M. in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. Shadow and Stewie were getting ready to fight. Perry was sitting in a corner, trying to stay out of it.

"OK Rupert, ready?" Stewie asked his teddy bear, "Great! OH MY GOD, RUPERT, LOOK! A DEAD LADY! AND LOOK! SHE CRAPPED HERSELF!"

This, of course, was Phineas' and Candace's mom. Remember, she fell off the roof if the third chapter.

"No!" said Stewie, "It was the second chapter! Duh!"

OK, fine, second chapter. Hey, how would you know anyway? You didn't come into this story until right before my obscenely long Harry Potter/Doofenshmirtz part of this chapter.

"I don't know! I just do, okay?"

Fine, fine. Don't get fresh. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes…

"I'M READY, HEDGEHOG!" Stewie screamed.

Just as the fighting began, Candace walked into the backyard, ""Hey, mom, I…AHHH!"

Candace got hit by a bullet in the stomach. "NOOOO!" She screamed, and then died.

"Hey! She crapped herself, too!" Stewie said and doubled over laughing, nearly dodging a bullet.

Perry had had enough of the fighting.

"Look," he said, "Why don't we all go together?"

Stewie and Shadow sighed. "Fine, we'll go together."

And, as they started to walk up to Doofenshmirtz, Perry brought up the worst question possible after forgiving each other:

"Hey, What's better, coffee or Weird Al?"

"COFFEE!" Stewie shouted immediately.

"WEIRD AL!" Shadow responded just as quickly.

"…shit." Perry mumbled.

"COFFEE!"

"WEIRD AL!

"_COFFEE!"_

"_WEIRD AL!"_

Perry's eye began to twitch, and you know what's going to happen next…

* * *

So, Let's recap what we know so far (or what I remember, anyway.):

Candace- Dead

Mom- Dead

Ferb- Nutters

Phineas- Swore a lot in first chapter, but otherwise not that big of a deal

Isabella- Annoying as Hell, as per usual

Perry- Best friends with Stewie and Shadow

Buford- Likes the song "Hardware Store" by Weird Al

Peter Griffin- Went shopping

Voldemort- Moved to the Tri-State area, so he could take over the world with Doof

Harry Potter- Being ignored for the most part. 'Bout time.

Hermione Granger- Being a nerd. As always.

Ron Weasley- Who gives a ****?

Remus Lupin- Being awesome, along with Tonks

Sirius Black: NOT DEAD!!!! *Maggie dances with fangirly joy while Rachel stares at her strangely.*

Hogwarts, the Order, and anything else of minimal consequence from HP- Being moved to Tri-State area

People in Rachel's corner (Weird Al): Shadow, Isabella, Doofenshmirtz, Buford

People in my corner (coffee): Phineas, Stewie, Voldemort (HA! I have a main character, awesomest baby ever, and an evil Dark Wizard who killed millions of innocent people (granted, the people were fictional, but that is neither here nor there.)! BEAT THAT!)

Shadow and Stewie- Hate each other

Rachel- Hates Candace, and killed her

Me- Hates Isabella, but can't do anything because I don't write any of the scenes with her in them

Yeah, I think that's it.

R&R!


	5. 12 Days Of XMas AKA: Everybody Stares

**A/N: '**Sup.

So. This isn't technically a chapter. Just something Rachel made to get everyone ready for the holidays. The rest of the story is based in Summer/Fall and this is based in Mid-December. The only thing that will be staying from this is (hopefully) Isabella's death. Oops. I've said too much. Anyway, it's written in script form just to see how I liked it.

And, I prefer that if they were singing it would be script form, and there wasn't much other than the song. If I do say so myself, this is pretty random and my favorite thing so far going on in the story.

Also, I would like to say that I _hate _this song with a burning passion, but It's really not my story so...

**A/N from Rachel: **Well, since there's only a few days before Christmas, I decided to take a break from writing an actual chapter and made this: Everyone singing the Twelve Days of Christmas! (Me and Maggie are in this chapter.)

**Warnings:** Character death (Isabella), but for comedic purposes only. The characters are OOC, also for comedic purposes. Swearing, and randomness.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, Spongebob (Still no. Sorry. The pineapple will make an appearance next real chapter.), Weird Al, Family Guy, Sonic, Phineas & Ferb, The Twelve Days Of Christmas, or Webkinz. Really, it's better if you just read rather than ask.

* * *

_It was December 13th, 12 days before Christmas and everyone was standing in front of a big gray house._

Peter: Umm… Stewie, why did you tell us to come here?

Stewie: Well, me, Perry, and the hedgehog got a note from 'IWANNACOOKIE!' telling us to this address.

_Everyone waited_

Rachel: 'SUP PEOPLE!

_Rachel runs out of the house with Maggie following._

Rachel: I'm 'IWANNACOOKIE!' and we brought you here for a reason.

Maggie & Rachel: WE'RE ALL GOING TO SING THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS- _TOGETHER!!!!_

_There was a silence._

Shadow: Me? Sing? No!

Sirius: I am _not_ paid enough for this!

Harry: Your not being paid at all.

Sirius: Actually, if I don't do this they'll chuck me back into Azkaban.

Harry: They'll chuck you back in Azkaban if you don't sing with a couple of teenage girls, one of which refuses to stop squeeing at anything we do.

Maggie: SQUEE!!!

Harry: and the other doesn't know anything about us and won't stop talking about cookies.

Rachel: If you sing we'll give you a cookie!

Rachel, muttering but still able to be heard: _Mmm… Big Y cookies…_

Sirius: Yup, pretty much.

Sirius, muttering: Stupid FanFic…

Harry: OK, then. Well, Fudge really is nutters.

Ferb: THIS FUDGE DUDE ISN'T NUTTERS! I'M NUTTERS!

_Everyone stares._

Neville: Your mom's nutters.

_Everyone continues to stare._

Shadow: Anyway, what would I do with a cookie?

Snape: Yeah, the oversized hampster is right! Why would we want cookies?

Shadow, glaring at Snape: Shut it, GreaseFace!

Rachel: JUST SING AND EAT THE FUCKING COOKIE!

Snape, Shadow, and Sirius: Ugh, fine…

* * *

_Inside the house…_

Rachel: OK! How many of you have heard the song 'The 12 Days of Christmas?

_No one raises their hands._

Isabella: Maybe I'll remember if you start off.

_Maggie glares for no apparent reason._

Rachel: OK!

Rachel: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree!

Maggie: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Isabella: On the third day of Christmas, my true love, Phineas-

_Everyone stares_

Isabella: WHAT? Anyway, gave to me, three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: and a partridge in a pair tree!

Stewie: On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Maggie: Shadow!

_Points at him indicating it's his turn to sing while Snape and Sirius snicker._

Shadow: I've never heard this song before.

Rachel: Just make something up that has the number five!

Shadow: Uh… five golden rings?

Rachel: Good!

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Perry: On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six platypus' laying!

Maggie: IT'S _GEESE_ A LAYING, NITWIT!

Shadow: five golden rings…

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Peter: On the seventh day of X-mas…

Maggie: X-mas? REALLY Peter?

Peter: Fine! On the seventh day of Christmas, my hot wife gave to me…

Rachel and Maggie: LOIS IS AN UGLY BITCH!

Stewie: FINALLY SOMEONE AGREES WITH ME!

Peter, while glaring: Seven swans a swimming!

Perry: Six geese a laying!

Shadow: Five golden rings…

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Sirius: Ugh… On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eight maids a milking…

Peter: Seven swans a swimming!

Perry: Six geese a laying!

Shadow: Five golden rings…

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Ferb: ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS FERB'S TRUE LOVE GAVE TO FERB, NINE LADIES DANCING!

_Ferb starts doing the sprinkler. Everyone stares._

Sirius: Um… eight maids… a milking… is this kid mentally stable…

Peter: Uh… I dunno… seven swans a swimming…

Perry: Uh huh, well, I think so… Anyway, six geese a laying…

Shadow: five golden rings…

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Snape: Ugh, I can't _believe_ I got sucked into this…

Dumbledore, who is sitting on the sidelines: GO ON, SEVERUS!

Snape: _Sigh…_ On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten lords a leaping…

Ferb: NINE LADIES DONG THE DISCO!

Sirius: eight maids a milking…

Peter: Seven swans a swimming!

Perry: Six geese a laying!

Shadow: Five golden rings…

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Buford: On the eleventh day of Christmas, Weird Al gave to me, eleven pipers piping!

Snape: 10 lords a leaping…

Snape, muttering: _Children…_

Ferb: NINE LADIES POLE DANCING!

_Everyone stares and backs away slowly._

Sirius: Eight maids a milking…

Peter: Seven swans a swimming!

Perry: Six geese a laying!

Shadow: Five golden rings…

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Isabella: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!

Rachel: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Doof: On the twelfth day of Christmas, my partner in world-domination…

Voldemort, who for some reason is sitting next to Dumbledore: Thanks, Doof!

_Perry and the cast of HP growl._

_Everyone else stares._

Isabella: Shut up, Baldy!

Voldy: You _dare _call me bald?! AVADA KADAVRA!

_Isabella dies._

Maggie: YAAY!!!!

Rachel: Maggie, why did you do that? Now we need someone to replace her!

Mrs. Birdy, from Webkinz: I'll do it!

Everyone: Gee, thanks, Mrs Birdy!

Weird Al, who randomly shows up drinking coffee: Do you mind if we get on with it?

Buford: OMG!!! WEIRD AL!!! SURE!!! Eleven pipers piping!

Snape: Ten lords a leaping…

_Voldemort leaps around for dramatic effect._

_Everyone… can you guess… stares._

Ferb: _yawn _(Rachel decided to shoot him with a tranquilizer gun) Nine… Ladies… _snore…_ dan-cing… zzzzzz…

_Everyone stares… again…_

Sirius: Eight maids a milking…

Peter: Seven swans a swimming!

Perry: Six geese a laying!

Shadow: Five golden rings…

Stewie: Four calling birds!

Mrs. Birdy: Three French hens!

Maggie: Two turtle doves!…

Everyone except for Ferb (He was asleep) and Shadow (He didn't feel like it): AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!

_Snape and Sirius randomly break out in a duel. Everyone who isn't a wizard or Maggie ignores the fact that they're using wands._

Maggie: SQUEE!!!

Shadow, ignoring them: So, Where's my cookie?

Rachel: You didn't say the last and most important part, so you don't get one.

Shadow takes out a gun.

Rachel: AHHHH!

_You see Rachel run away dodging bullets._

_Everyone stares._

Maggie: End of this between chapter! R&R and I'll tell you if Rachel is still alive.

_Maggie cackles madly in a way similar to a crazed lunatic. Or, if you're a HP fan, Bellatrix Lestrange. Same thing. Then, she sits back in a beach chair. While eating popcorn and drinking soda, she alternates between Rachel get shot by an annoyed Shadow and watching Snape and Sirius duel._

Maggie: Aaah… This is the life!

Harry: Aren't you going to do anything for your friend?

Maggie: No…

_Everyone stares._


	6. Fangirl Wars I, AKA: Rachel Goes Nutters

**A/N:** Hey.

So, I have a few announcements to make:

1.) First of all, this is now being written by five different people. I'll still be typing it, but now my friends, Christine, Emily, and Ashlie, will be writing it with Rachel and I (Happy, mom?).

2.) We are completely discontinuing the original plot. We (Rachel and I) totally got writers block and decided to just post random oneshots/multi-chapter crossover things.

3.) I made a new account for this story especially. It's called 'IWANNACOOKIE' in honor of Rachel and I will repost this as well as 'The Curse of Michael Jackson' there tommorow. It will be a joint accout between the five of us.

Twilight's in this chapter. I don't like it, and if that's painfully obvious, I apologize. Emily and Ashlie, however, are fangirls. I have read a couple of the books, though, so the facts should be right.

**Warnings: **Implied slash (RL/SB) and more randomness.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phineas & Ferb, Sonic, Family Guy, Sponge Bob, Harry Potter, Twilight, an unidentified warehouse, Webkinz, Jeremy, Nathan, Andrew, Venessa, Chuck Norris... that's it, I think, but if not- I don't own anything else either.

* * *

Maggie and Rachel walked out of an unidentified warehouse while fighting about something that could not be heard by anyone except them.

"Shut up, Sonic fangirl!" Maggie said.

"WHAT? You're a Harry Potter fangirl!" Rachel said.

"So? A lot of people are!"

"Yeah. Like Vanessa." Rachel pointed out.

Maggie gasped. "_Vanessa?_ You're bringing _that weirdo_ into this?"

"'Sup." Shadow said.

"Shadow, go away." Said Maggie.

"Why?" Shadow said.

"Uhh… Because," said Rachel, "Chuck Norris is waiting for you in the elevator."

"REALLY?"

"Yeah!"

"Cool!" He said, and ran off to the elevator.

"So, how long do you think it'll take him to figure out Chuck Norris isn't waiting for him?" Maggie asked.

"First of all," said Rachel, "Chuck Norris doesn't wait. People wait."

"O-K then…" said Maggie skeptically.

"And, yeah, about three seconds."

_

* * *

_

In the elevator…

"It ends here!" Said Chuck Norris.

'Nuff said.

_

* * *

_

Meanwhile…

"Harry Potter is _soo _much better than Sonic!" Maggie said.

"Hey guys!" Ashile, one of their friends said, followed by they're other two friends, Emily and Christine.

"Shut up! You're a Twilight fangirl!" Said Maggie.

"Yeah!" Said Rachel. "That's one hundred times worse than being a Harry Potter fangirl!"

"Your right!" Said Christine.

"No, she isn't!" Said Emily.

"Uh oh," said Rachel, "The fight isn't even anymore. I'm gonna go eat some cookies."

No one listens.

"Vampires. Don't. Sparkle!" Said Maggie and Christine together.

"Yes. They. Do!" Said Emily and Ashile.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

And on and on.

Later, they moved on to other Twilight/Harry Potter related topics, but the intent was the same.

_

* * *

_

A little while later, in a freezer…

"_Mmm…Cookies…" _Said Rachel.

Suddenly, the door opened and in stepped two werewolves, Jacob Black and Ramus Lupin.

They stopped walking when they saw Rachel sitting in the corner, rolled up in a ball and nibbling on a cookie. "Are you O.K.?" Jacob asked.

All that could be heard was Rachel's continuous mutterings of how wonderful cookies are.

"That would be a 'no'." Lupin said.

"She looks cold…" Jacob said.

"Oh, really? Is that all you can think of? How cold people are?" Said Lupin.

Jacob, however, wasn't listening. He was walking towards Rachel with his arms spread wide, trying to figure out the best way to hug her.

"Hey, come here…" He said. And wrapped his arms around her.

At the feeling of his arms around her, Rachel growled, scaring the werewolf. But, unfortunately, he could not get off of her in time to stop her blood-curdling scream of "GET OFF ME!"

"Told ya." Said Remus.

"WHAT?" Said Jacob.

"_Why did you hug me?"_ Rachel said in a dangerous voice.

"You looked cold." Jacob said like it was obvious (which it was.).

"SO?" She said.

"I'm hot."

"Well," Said Remus, "Someone's full of themselves."

"No," Jacob said, "I'm _literally_ hot."

"Oh."

"_Anyway," _continued Rachel in her dangerous voice, "_Why do you think I want a hug? WHY???"_

"Uh oh," Andrew, a random dude from our class, said, "You didn't try to hug her, did you?"

"Of course not, but he did!" Remus said.

"Uhh, I suggest you run…Now." Andrew advised, "I'd get one of her friends, they'll be able to calm her down, I hope…"

"Thanks." They said, and ran.

_

* * *

_

Meanwhile…

"OH COME ON!" Said Maggie.

They we're discussing, ironically, the correct properties of werewolves.

"Werewolves can't…" Maggie was saying as she felt a tap on her back, "WHAT? _Oh…Hi…"_ She finished while staring at Remus with a dreamy look on her face.

"Uh, hi." Remus responded skeptically, "We just-"

He was cut off by Ashlie. "Jake, tell her that werewolves can change whenever they want to!"

"Of course they can!" Jacob answered.

"What? No they can't!" Lupin contradicted.

"THANK YOU!" Maggie and Christine said together. To Maggie's intense displeasure, he ignored them completely.

"What? You can't?" Jacob said to Lupin.

"No! Only on full moons! Duh!"

"'Sup home skillet biscuits?" Sirius Black said randomly while walking up to his friend.

Everyone stared at him except Maggie. She smiled and said, "See? This is why you're my favorite character! You're so random! You'd get along well with me and Rachel!"

"Well, first of all, on behalf of your mother the English major, I would like to point out that it's _Rachel and I._" Sirius said.

"When did you speak to my mother?" Maggie said.

"Last night." Sirius responded easily.

Maggie glared. "Ha ha," she said humorlessly, "just because you're being portrayed by me doesn't mean you can say exactly what I would say in a situation, especially if it's about me!"

"Whatever. Anyway, I'm only random because you're making me random. Also, I said that because your mom was leaning over your shoulder, mentioning it, while you were typing, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah. Right."

"Anyway, what are we talking about?" Sirius asked Remus.

"_He,"_ Remus said while glaring at Jacob, "Can transform whenever he wants!"

"Really? So can I!" Said Sirius.

"SEE?" Said Ashlie, Emily, and Jacob together.

"Yes, Sirius, I know that. But he's not a wizard, he's just a werewolf." Remus responded simply.

"Ooh… Yeah, I'm not a werewolf. Came close a few times to being bitten, though…" Sirius said. While the entire HP fandom, except for Maggie of course, turned back to the fight, Sirius winked and Remus blushed.

"SQUEE!" Maggie squee'd. Everyone ignored her.

"Oh, I bet you can't even heal really fast, either." Said Jacob to Remus knowingly.

"Um, have you _noticed_ all of the scars all over my body? Do you really think that if I could heal quickly, I would have them?" Remus responded after his and Sirius' 'moment.'

"Well, I-" Started Jacob.

"Hello!" Jeremy, an annoying guy from our class, said as he randomly walked up to them. "I just finished playing

Guild Wars and playing with my puppy Dante, and I wanted to stop by!"

"Ugh." Said Maggie, "Get out of our FanFic, Jeremy. You're really annoying."

"Aww…" He said in that really annoying tone of voice of his.

"Wait!" Said Ashlie, "You can stay if we can rename you Gaylord!"

"Okay!" He said.

Maggie, Ashlie, Emily, and Christine instantly started chanting, "Gaylord! Gaylord! Gaylord! Gaylord!"

After about a minute of constant chanting, Jeremy ran out of the room crying.

"Works every time…" Said Christine.

"Um, O-kay, who was that?" Asked Jacob.

"Didn't you hear us? Well, if you didn't, too bad, We've already mentioned who he was, and it gets annoying if you have to read the same thing twice." Said Emily.

"Alright." Jacob said. "Well, anyway, back to me-"

"Oh, Jake. JUST SHUT UP!" Shouted Maggie.

Jacob looked gobsmacked that anyone would say that to him. "What?"

"I know your secret. In fact, I know _all _of your's secrets!" She said while pointing to Jacob, Remus, and Sirius.

Sirius was playing dumb. "Secret? What ever do you mean? Of course you mean the 'furry little problem,' right?"

Maggie had a malicious grin on her face. "No, I don't mean the 'furry little problem,' thank you very much. I mean _your lovechild…"_

"Lovechild?" Asked Harry, who had just approached, rhetorically. "You have a lovechild? Why didn't you tell me?"

Remus had gone pale. But, like many other important details that may or may not hint at foreshadowing, no one noticed.

"Yes, Harry." Said Maggie. "Your dear Godfather has a secret child. In fact, he's standing in this very room!"

"Noo… Really?" Said Emily on her sarcastic tone. "I never would have guessed! Especially since what brought this up while talking to Jacob _Black_…"

"Yes! Jacob Black is the werewolf lovechild of Sirius and Remus!" Maggie stated her hypothesis (Yeah, Rachel. I said hypothesis. Live with it.) with confidence.

The Twilight Fandom gasped. The Harry Potter Fandom gasped.

"Oh…Umm…" Stammered Remus.

"Uhh… Yeah…" Babbled Sirius.

"How could you _do that?" _Asked Harry.

"I'm sorry I never told you, Harry…" Started Sirius.

"No, I mean physically. And who's the, uh, mother?"

Fortunately, Maggie interrupted Sirius from answering those extremely awkward questions.

"Oh, really? Is it that big of a surprise?" Said Maggie, and everyone in either Fandom put two and two together.

"OMG!" omg'd a random HP fangirl, "That so totally makes sense!"

"Yeah!" Agreed the fangirls.

"Uhh… We're going to run now…" Stated Remus, before he, Jacob, and Sirius were attacked by fangirls.

"Ahhh… Fangirls." Said Christine, "You gotta love 'em."

"Hey!" Said Maggie. "Didn't they say something about Rachel being crazy in a freezer eating cookies?"

"Noo…" Said Emily, "But that does sound like something Rachel would do. Let's go check it out."

"THAT SOUNDS SO WRONG!" Screamed Ferb. Everyone, once again, ignored him.

_

* * *

_

In the freezer…

"_Cookies… Yummy cookies…"_ Rachel chanted over and over again like some sort of demented Cookie Monster.

"RACHEL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Screamed all of her friends together.

"Following the Magic Rainbow on the back of a Unicorn!" Shouted Rachel instantly.

Everyone, except her friends, stared at her.

Christine just glanced at her and said, "Well, she looks OK for the moment. Anyway, _vampires don't sparkle!"_

"Yes, they do!"

"Are you having a brawl?" Asked Nathan, the nerdiest person that we know (Who happens to be in our class.).

Ashlie stared. "What?"

"A brawl! It means '_to quarrel or fight noisily.' _You should know that, it's one of our vocab words this week."

"Yeah, don't care. Go away." Stated Maggie.

Nathan glared. Which, until this point, was universally thought to be impossible. "FINE! If you want to fail, don't blame me!" He shouted, and stomped off.

Starting where they left off before they were so _rudely _interrupted by Nathan, Christine said, "This means war!"

"Fine! Team Twilight!" exclaimed Ashlie and Emily.

"Team Harry Potter!" exclaimed Maggie and Christine.

"Team Chuck Norris!" Exclaimed Rachel alone.

Everyone turned to stare at Chuck Norris, who was standing next to Shadow. "What?" He said.

"Oh no!" Said Maggie, "We forgot to ref the Shadow/Chuck Norris fight!"

"Oh, Miss Birdy ref'd it for you." Said Shadow.

"Really? Where is she?"

"She's dead." Said Shadow, completely ripping off A Very Potter Musical.

"Oh."

And so started the great Fangirl War.

* * *

Thoughts?

R&R!

Thanks!


	7. Fangirl Wars II, AKA: Snape's New Friend

**A/N:** Yo.

So, first new post on the new account. It's so exciting!

OK, so, I made a website dedicated to this on Rachel's request. it's (without spaces) www . the great epic multi crossover fic of doom . webs . com. It would mean a lot to me, especially if you like the story, if you just stop by for a moment.

SPONGEBOB IS IN THIS CHAPPIE!!!! OK, I am soo frickin' excited about this it's scary. I also really like how I incorperated it. On a final note on this- YAY!

There is major Twilight bashing in this. I _did_ mean this as a joke. Remember, this is a Humor/Parody story.

There is a Return Of Nathan, but no other people that I know except my friends (A.K.A- Me [Maggie], Rachel, Ashlie, Christine, and Emily.)

**Warnings: **Semi-OOC, Randomness, Character death, MAJOR Twilight bashing. I think that's it, but I could be wrong.

**Disclaimer:** Nope, nothing, nada, zip, zulch, zilch...

* * *

Everyone got into defense mode instantly and separated into their three teams.

* * *

Harry Potter Point Of View:

"Umm… Christine?" Remus, who was currently spying from afar on the Twilight team, asked.

"What?" Said Christine, who was currently strategizing with Maggie.

"I have an update on the Twilight team- their using spoons." He said officially.

"Spoons?" Asked Maggie. Was there a hint of fear in her voice?

"Spoons." Confirmed Remus.

"What _kind _of spoons?" Asked Christine.

"They looked like white plastic spoons."

"And what are they planning to do with these spoons?" Asked Sirius skeptically.

"It looked like they were going to catapult them over here." Remus said.

Christine paled.

"OH! THAT'S HITTING BELOW THE BELT!" Maggie shouted, and stormed out of the room.

"Huh?" Harry said stupidly.

"What's her problem?" Sirius wondered aloud.

Snape voiced everyone's common mental question, "What's the big deal with spoons?"

"It's not just spoons," explained Christine, "Maggie has a strong irrational fear of being poked with white plastic spoons."

Everyone gave her a bewildered look before asking in unison disbelievingly, "Being poked with white plastic spoons?"

"Why?" asked Ron.

"We don't know. No one knows. _She_ doesn't even know." Christine stated.

"Well, this can't go well." Predicted Tonks.

_(A/N: Before I forget to mention this- Yes, I do actually have an irrational fear of being poked with white plastic spoons, it wasn't made up for the story, and I have no idea why I have it. I didn't have some traumatic experience, I'm just scared of being poked with them. Sometimes, truth _is _stranger then fiction.)_

* * *

CNRS Point Of View:

"Did you get the weapons yet?" asked Rachel.

"Yeah," Said Chuck Norris, "Hey, where's Perry?"

DO BE DO BE DO BA…

"NO!" screamed Rachel, "NO ONE SHALL INTERRUPT MY Point Of View! NO! MWHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Umm… OK then…" Said Shadow.

* * *

Twilight Point Of View:

"Did you get the spoons?" Ashlie asked between bites of corn on the cob.

"Yeah." Said Jacob, "But I don't get why you need over a million spoons. This is a war, not a dessert buffet!"

"MAGGIE! WHY DID YOU INTERRUPT MY POINT OF VIEW?" Rachel asked.

Because, Rachel, you were annoying me. Anyway-

"No! I WILL NOT BE- Ooh! Corn!" Rachel cut herself off before attacking Ashile for said delicious yellow nutrients.

"NO! _MY _FOOD OBSESSION!" Ashile shouted before Rachel attacked.

Fortunately for all involved, Chuck Norris and Shadow were able to pry Rachel off of Ashlie for the time being.

"Whoa, what was that about?" Asked Edward Cullen.

"Hey guys." Said Harry Potter. Don't ask me how he got to them when they are supposedly on opposite sides of the war, he just did. "I just- CEDRIC! YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"No, Harry." Said Cedward. Or would it be Edric? Oh, really, who gives a s*** either way? "When Voldy Avada'd me, he accidentally turned me into a half-dead, shitty, sparkly vampire."

"What? NOOO!" shouted Harry.

"I'm sorry." Cedric/Edward said regrettably.

"Wait a second," said Emily, "Didn't you die because of the Spanish influenza? And didn't that happen, like, almost a hundred years ago?"

"Well, that's my official story. It's not like I could tell everyone, 'Hey, I'm a wizard and was just killed by an evil Dark Lord crazy person. So I moved to the United States and charmed their memories into thinking that I had been with them for over ninety years."

"Like Hermione did to her parents?" Asked Maggie.

"What?" Asked Harry.

"Oops. That wasn't until the seventh book. Carry on."

"YOU LIED TO US!" The Edward and Cedric fangirls screamed.

"Yeah, sorry about that…" He said, looking anything but sorry.

"Ugh," ugh'd Chuck Norris, "This sparkly dude's getting on my nerves. CHUCK NORRIS POWER!"

_***THIS SECTION HAS BEEN CUT OUT FOR VARIOUS REASONS- VIOLENCE, CHUCK NORRIS AWESOMENESS. BUT, MOSTLY, BECAUSE I CAN'T WRITE A DEATH SCENE TO SAVE MY LIFE. HELL, I DON'T EVEN LIKE READING A DEATH SCENE. WHY DO YOU THINK I HAD CEDRIC COME BACK AS EDWARD CULLEN AND THE HP PART OF THE STORY START RIGHT BEFORE SIRIUS (sob) DIED? EXACTLY. ANYWAY, ENOUGH OF MY PRETTY BOLD-Y, ITALIC-Y, CAPSLOCK-Y, RAMBLINGS OF MY PROBLEMS AND BACK TO RELEVANT TOPICS-***_

Two seconds later, Bella (As in Bella Swan. I really can't see Bellatrix caring too much if it ended up that Cedric died _again. _On another semi-rambling note, I now have a crack!pairing idea. Can you guess? Scary, I know…) walked into the room.

"Edward? Edward, where are you?"

It was then that she saw the limp, dead, bloody corpse of the aforementioned vampire on the ground!"

"NOO! I THOUGHT VAMPIRES COULDN'T DIE!" She shouted to no one in particular.

Shadow walked over and said, "Apparently, they forgot to mention that their only weakness is Chuck Norris."

"Wait," cut in Maggie, "Chuck Norris isn't their _only _weaness. They _do _have another."

"Yeah, the Volturi." Said Ashile.

Maggie looked at her, "No. Kermit the Frog." She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Everyone stared at her for a moment, except Bella, who was overcome with grief, and Edward, who was dead.

Bella started crying, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to do jump off the cliff again!" She said, and stomped off.

"Aren't you going to save her?" Emily asked Jacob.

He thought about that for a moment before saying, "Nah, she's just an Edward-obsessed psychopath!"

"Good point." Said Christine. Again, don't ask how she got in. Or Rachel, for that matter.

"NO! _MY _POINT OF VIEW!"

"FINE!" Everyone said together.

* * *

CNRS Point Of View:

Shadow watched as Chuck Norris and Rachel talk about random subjects.

"Why am I on a team with two complete idiots?" he mumbled to himself.

Unfortunately, Rachel surprisingly heard him and walked over to give him a 'pep talk,' of sorts. "Hey, it could be worse- you could be on a team with me, Chuck Norris, _and _Ferb!"

Just then, Ferb walked into the room. "Hi, Rachel! Can I be on your team?"

Rachel shot Shadow an evil glare and said, "_Suure… _Why not?"

Shadow held his head in his hands and shouted, "NOOOO!"

* * *

Twilight Point Of View:

As Edward Cullen's funeral came to an end, all that could be heard was the crying of Edward fangirls and the laughing of Christine, Rachel, and Maggie.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, MAGGIE!" Shouted Ashlie ruefully as she was placing flowers on his grave.

"What? Me?" Asked Maggie, playing dumb, hoping it would work. "What did I do? Chuck Norris is the one who killed him!"

Miraculously, it did- "WELL- Wait a second, your right. YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, CHUCK NORRIS!" said Emily.

"Chuck Norris doesn't pay. You pay…" said Rachel.

"Rachel, that makes no sense." Pointed out Christine.

"So?" Rachel asked.

Maggie and Christine gave a long-suffering sigh as a response.

* * *

Harry Potter Point Of View:

"OK. So- Um, do we know you?" Remus started but cut himself off.

"Don't think so." Said a certain grumpy, blue, large-nosed squid (Or is it an octopus? That would be stupid, considering his name is _Squid_ward, but you never know. On another not- I have _finally _added Spongebob! It's so exciting! Anyway, I really should 'get on with it,' as Weird Al drinking coffee and those random dudes on Monty Python's Flying Circus' would say.) we all know and love.

"Well, um, why are you here?" asked Hermione.

"Because," said Squidward, "Maggie was getting really annoyed-"

"Don't you mean _peeved_?" Asked Nathan as he randomly popped up out of nowhere.

'_How does he do that?' _everyone mentally asked.

"_Peeved _means-"

"EAT LEAD!" Rachel screamed, and shot him with a bazooka.

"AHHH!" He screamed, and fell over dead (told you I can't write killing scenes.).

Everyone stared at her.

"What?" she asked, "He's just soo annoying!"

Everyone seemed to accept this.

Squidward continued, "Anyway, Maggie was getting really annoyed, or peeved," He said this while glaring at the almost cold body, "that Spongebob hasn't even been mentioned. So, she sent me here."

"Oy!" shouted Peter Griffin, with Stewie standing next to him. "We go to the bathroom for fifteen minutes, and you start a war without us?"

"Peter, you've been gone for three days." Pointed out Maggie.

"Oh."

"So," started Squidward, "This is all we do here? Add random characters at random times for no apparent reason and only following a plotline occasionally and when it's absolutely necessary, you know, to be random?"

"Yup, pretty much." Said Christine, "Glad we understand each other."

"How did I get sucked into this?" Squidward asked, presumably, himself.

"I've been asking myself the same question for weeks. Years, if you count things other than this FanFic." Said Snape while walking up to Squidward.

"At least you don't have to live between two complete morons." Said Squidward.

"No, but I'm a teacher. That means I have to educate morons." Explained Snape.

"Hey!" protested the entire population of Hogwarts. They were ignored.

Squidward scoffed. "I'm a cashier," at this, Snape snorted, but continued to somehow pay attention and not interrupt. "That means I have to take morons orders."

"Oh, yeah? Well…" Snape was saying as he and Squidward were walking off into the sunset together. Really, I do _not _want to know what I was smoking when I imagined up this scene.

"Well, Maggie," Said a bewildered Christine. You had to admit, that was pretty weird. "They do have quite similar personalities. Kinda scary…"

"Yeah, someone like Snape?" Harry said, and then shuddered.

Sirius broke the semi-tense atmosphere by exclaiming, "Yeah! They even both have extremely long noses!"

Everyone laughed, and thus started the strange, cross-dimensional friendship of Snape and Squidward.

* * *

Yeah, both me and Rachel missed our pills the morning we wrote this.

Oh, and we probably won't be updating until after New Years because Christmas Break (I go to a catholic school, so they actually call it that.) started on Friday for us. So *pulls out a Santa beard and hat out of her pocket* HO! HO! HO! MEEERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Thoughts?

Review!

Thanks!


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Harry Potter, Twilight, Humor, Parody