Harry Potter 1. Malfoy 1

**So, I'm co-writing this with another author, ****Quicquidlibet. All the Malfoy parts are written by me, and the Hermione letters are written by her. We do not own Harry Potter. Peace out.**

Dear Granger,

You know, Snape gave us some Potions homework for the weekend. I need help so badly that I'm forced to ask a mudblood like you to help me. Pathetic, I know.

Anyway, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood? Please reply soon, that's the only homework I haven't done. I'll bet every galleon in the Malfoy vault that you finished your work before the train even reached King's Cross. Am I right?

Tell Potty and Weasel that I hope they die slow, painful deaths, and tell the female Weasel that I hope she accidentally casts the bat-bogey on herself.

Spitefully yours,  
>Draco Malfoy<p>

P.S. Right now, I'm giving you a really nasty glare topped off with my world-famous smirk. Just thought you might want to know.

P.P.S Don't give me the wrong answer just because you hate me. I'll tell Snape exactly where I got it, and you will no longer be known as the smartest witch of our generation. I love having an advantage.


	2. Hermione 1

**Hello, I'm Jessica (Quicquidlibet) and I'm currently having my hair dyed red. I don't know why I told you that.** **Anyway, we don't own ****Harry Potter****. It's a little odd to own a person nowadays. Slavery's been abolished people!**

Dear Malfoy,

You do realize that when you need someone's help, you don't insult them, right? Because it doesn't seem like you do. But, I'm a nice person by default, so I'll help you.

Powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood? Draught of Living Death. And you really shouldn't bet, what if you're wrong? I finished my homework the day after I got home.

I'm going to pretend that you never insulted my friends in this letter.

Forever your enemy,  
>Hermione Granger<p>

Ps. I'm currently laughing at the fact that you think your glare bothers me.

Pps. I would never do that. It didn't even cross my mind. If the answer is wrong (which it's not) then I got it wrong as well.


	3. Malfoy 2

**Hi! It's Kaitlyn again. We don't own Harry Potter (and I agree with Jessica). But if you're JK Rowling, I would love it if you sold me the copyrights! (Of course that'll never happen.) Read on!**

Dear Granger,

You forgot that I'm not insulting a person, I'm insulting you. (I'm smirking again, just thought you'd like to know.) Since when are you a nice person? When Salazar became the founder of Hufflepuff?

I knew that it made the Draught of Living Death. I was just testing you, Granger. Luckily for you (and your brainy reputation) you passed. (Now I'm scowling. It's hard to show facial expressions in a letter. You try it.) I refuse to thank a mudblood, even though I should. Who are you, my mother? I enjoy betting. I bet you've never betted in your life.

I'm guessing they're still alive then, and the female Weasel still has normal-sized boogers. Besides that, why shouldn't I insult your Gryffindork friends? Are they too good to be insulted?

Wanting you to drop dead,  
>Draco Malfoy<p>

P.S. My glare bothers you. You're just too stubborn to admit it.

P.P.S. I'm sure it crossed your mind. A Malfoy is never wrong. Remember that, mudblood.


	4. Hermione 2

**A/N: Jessica here and reporting for duty! Once again, we don't own ****Harry****Potter****. If I did, Harry would have a bunch of siblings named Larry, Jerry, Gary, Mary, Carry, Fairy, Perry, Very, Barry, Dairy, and Terry. Yes. He would.**

Dear Malfoy,

I find it highly ironic that we hate each other, yet each letter begins with  
>'dear'.<p>

And you forgot that some people, myself included, consider me a person, so  
>therefore, I am one. Also, your smirking is going to be the death of you. One day you'll smirk and piss off an axe murderer. I hope you can't run.<p>

And I'll have you know, I am nice! Just not normally to you.

Testing me? Really, did you get bored or something? That is a very odd reason  
>to owl someone you hate. Nutter. And as for your comment about facial expressions: you do realize that you're not supposed to see the other's facial expression, don't you? (I'm making a "you're crazy" face. Jut thought I'd let you know.)<p>

I bet you can't guess how many bets I've been apart of in my life.

It makes me angry when you insult them. And do you see me insulting your fiends in this? No. So don't insult my friends.

Drowning you in hatred,  
>Hermione Granger<p>

Ps. Your glare doesn't bother me. Unless making me laugh at you counts as  
>bothering me.<br>Pps. It didn't cross my mind. It jabbed it's way in and stayed there. So,  
>technically, you were wrong. You must not be a Malfoy then. (I'm laughing at<br>you now.)  
>Ppps. I contradict myself many times in this letter. I did that on purpose.<p> 


	5. Malfoy 3

**A/N: Kaitlyn here, and just so you know, I would only give Harry a twin sister, and I'd give Hermione two little brothers if I owned Harry Potter. And Fred would still be alive! (JK Rowling should have killed Percy.)Anyway, enjoy the chapter.**

Undear Granger Danger,

Who considers you a person? The little army or rats that live beneath your porch and have crowned you their leader? (Smirking again) My smirk will _not_ be the death of me. Who would smirk at an axe murderer? I think that the axe would be a giveaway.

I'm sorry, but I can't picture you as a nice person. Now, if we were talking about me…

Fine, I wasn't testing you. I really needed the answer. But if anyone asks, I was testing you. I am not a nutter, mudblood!

You're a hypocrite, you know that? You say I'm not supposed to see facial expressions, then you say you're making a "you're crazy" face. (So now I'm scowling at you)

Hermione "Goody-goody Two-shoes" Granger betting? Now _that_ I'd like to see. Guess who I am. _You shouldn't bet you know. What if you're wrong?_ Again you're a hypocrite.

I am entitled to insult your friends. It's part of the deal; they're in Gryffindor, I'm in Slytherin. We're required to insult each other. But if it makes you feel any better, I give you the right to insult either Pansy, Crabbe or Goyle. Happy? But everything I said about your friends is true. You know it is.

Killing you in my mind,  
>Draco Malfoy<p>

P.S. I'm sure it bothers you! It must! It has to! I am never wrong! You know why, I don't feel like repeating myself.

P.P.S. What do you mean I'm not a Malfoy? I am most definitely a Malfoy. Apologize for questioning my purebloodity! (I know it's not a word!)

P.P.P.S. Why shouldn't you contradict yourself? You're a nutter!


	6. Hermione 3

**A/N: Hello again, once again it's Jessica. I agree, Fred would have never died if I owned ****Harry Potter****.**

Malfoy the Mayfly,

In case you haven't noticed, many of our classmates (who aren't in Slytherin, obviously) consider me a person. Really, you're quite unobservant. And how would you know they're an axe murderer? Not all of them leave the axe out in the open. Some carry small ones and hide them.

You, a nice person? Ha! Like that'll ever happen!

(I'm sitting here in shock) I just discovered how to make you admit to something. And I still think you're a nutter.

Malfoy, there's this thing called humor, not quite sure if you've heard of it. I was making a joke by being a blatant hypocrite. A joke. I'm friends with the Weasleys. The twins like to bet. And I only bet if I know  
>for sure I'm going to win.<p>

Prejudice gets people killed Malfoy. Just look all throughout history, wizarding or otherwise. I try to avoid it, I'm only rude to those who are rude to me.

Preparing my battle axe,  
>Hermione Granger<p>

Ps. It doesn't. Something that does bother me is when someone refuses to admit  
>they're wrong. (glaring)<br>Pps. Once again Malfoy, it was a joke. Honestly! Why get so worked up about  
>it?<br>Ppps. I know I'm a nutter. Everyone's a little bit nutty.


	7. Malfoy 4

**A/N: The return of Kaitlyn! I forgot to tell you when this takes place. It's Christmas break during third year. Anyway, Jessica and I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, half the people would live! But remember JK Rowling, my offer still stands.**

Hermione the Hippo,

How dare you call me a mayfly?

What classmates consider you a human? How is that possible? Are they blind? The reason no Slytherins consider you human is because they've all got they're very cunning heads screwed on. I am observant! If the axe was small, I highly doubt it would hurt me and my very high IQ.

I am a very nice person. I am the nicest pureblood you will ever meet! Am I right? You know what, don't answer that.

I can admit things! I admit things lots of times. But I'm happy you're in shock. People can die from that, right? I'm not a nutter. You're just driven crazy by my awesome hotness, and tend to speak lies.

I have heard of humor! I'm the funniest guy in Slytherin. Of course, you would beg to differ, being Weasel's girlfriend and all. (Smirking) I still don't believe you bet. McGonagall would have a heart attack.

Prejudice makes people rich, for your information, Granger. Unless they're the ones being judged. Yeah, I can see why you're so against prejudice. If you're rude to those who are rude to you, you must be rude to the whole school, minus your Gryffindork friends.

Could you come up with any insults? Didn't think so. I can come up with a list three feet long for every person in the school (minus myself, of course)

Killing you with my tremendous good looks,  
>Draco Malfoy<p>

P.S. Yeah, your glares are _so_ scary. (Smirking again, I rule!)

P.P.S. You can't joke, you have no sense of humor!

P.P.P.S. I'm glad you're not running from your weirdness, you're embracing it. Good for you, Granger.


	8. Hermione 4

Draco the Doorknob,

You have to admit that mayfly looks remarkably similar to Malfoy. Don't deny  
>it.<p>

And you do realize that you just said my first name? Weird. As I said before, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Gryffindors all recognize the fact that I'm a person. And if all you snakes don't, what do you see me as? An alien?

They could use an enlargement charm on the axe once they take it out. And are you talking about the IQ that's not as high as mine? You're not the nicest pureblood. The Weasley family are the nicest. And why shouldn't I answer that? You afraid you won't like my answer?

People only die from severe shock. Sorry to burst your bubble (sarcasm, in case you didn't know), but I'm very much alive right now. The shock was pretty mild.

Stop denying it, you nut. Embrace your nutty-ness! (Yes, I'm perfectly aware of the fact that that isn't a word. You made up a word, it's only fair that I make up one too.) Also, you're not hot. If you're the funniest snake, then Slytherin must be a very somber house. I almost feel bad for those subjected to your humor. And who said I'm dating a Weasley?

I bet you five galleons that you can't get a Gryffindor in our year to laugh at one of your jokes, myself not included. What do you say? Also, McGonagall bets. Don't you know that? She and Snape have an ongoing bet over how many detentions the Weasley twins will get in a week.

Prejudice makes you rich? That's a lie. Many wars involved prejudice, and most resulted on a poor economic state. And I'm only rude to Slytherins. No, not because of prejudice, but because you're all rude to me. Pansy the Pug Face, Crabbe and Goyle the Neanderthals. That is the only time you'll hear me insult someone without good reason, understood? And I dare you to insult yourself.

Breaking your eardrums with my laughter,  
>Hermione Granger<p>

Ps. That's just your opinion.

Pps. I have a sense of humor! I just tend to save it for my friends. Or if I feel like annoying you. Either one.

Ppps. Weirdness is a part of human nature. If we didn't have it, we wouldn't  
>be unique.<p> 


	9. Malfoy 5

**A/N: I (Kaitlyn) don't own Harry Potter, unfortunately.**

Undear Granger,

I'm denying the fact that you said I look like a mayfly. (And I'm scowling; my sneer is on vacation)

When did I use your first name? Excuse me, I must go burn my tongue (or quill, however you mudbloods like to look at it). We snakes don't see you as an alien. That would be an insult to aliens everywhere.

If the axe murderer was a witch or wizard, why couldn't they use a severing charm or the killing curse? Why even bother to use an axe?

I think my IQ is superior to yours. I'm the smartest wizard in my generation! Don't tell me otherwise, mudblood. My IQ is higher! Fine, I'm the second nicest pureblood you'll ever meet. Or tenth nicest, since there's nine Weasels. I will not like your answer because you'll say I'm evil or something. You're that predictable.

Consider my bubble bursted. (Or busted, however you mudbloods like to look at it.) Is there any way I can send you into severe shock?

I am not a nut! Even if I was, why would I 'embrace my nuttiness' as you put it? That's just weird and abnormal. I am too hot! You know it, Granger, you're just in denial! Every girl in Hogwarts thinks I'm hot! You are right, not many Slytherins are funny. But no matter how I got there, I'm the funniest Slytherin so, ha! Longbottom told me you're dating Weasley, but I guess he's not a very reliable source, is he?

I'm sure I can get any Gryffindork in our year to laugh at one of my jokes! Do you have anyone in mind? How many detentions have the twins had so far? Let me guess, twenty million?

Prejudice makes us purebloods rich. I'm not exactly sure how that works, but that's what my father said. Or something to that effect, I was seven when I overheard that. We're rude to you because you're annoying.

It's against my nature to insult myself, but my reputation is at stake. So, let's see, when we were in second year, one of my perfect blonde hairs was sticking up from my (usually) perfectly gelled head. Happy, Granger?

Pushing you off a mental cliff,  
>Draco Malfoy<p>

P.S. It's my opinion, which makes it a fact. For the ten millionth time, I am always right!

P.P.S. You can't annoy me Granger. Only Blaise Zabini knows how to annoy me. And Pansy Parkinson's face usually works.

P.P.P.S. I know we're all weird, but you're abusing the privilege (I would normally smirk but it's still on vacation).


	10. Hermione 5

**A/N: Hello, this is Jessica. I don't own ****Harry Potter**** or the "I'm not annoying, you're just easily annoyed" quote.**

Malfoy,

I meant the spellings looked similar. How can somebody look like a mayfly? You called me by my first name in the letter before your last. If not an alien, then what do you all see me as?  
>If an axe murderer was a witch or wizard, then maybe they're mentally unstable. This is all hypothetical you know. Anything can happen in a hypothetical situation. Maybe they like axes.<p>

And since I know you'll probably have a mental breakdown if I tell you that I have a higher IQ (which I do), I'll let you live in your little delusion. You know, it's really hard for me to believe that you're nice. Really hard.

How am I predictable? Why would I tell you how to put me in severe shock? Weird is good Malfoy. The weirder you are, the more you confuse people. Confusing people is fun. And your personality ruins your looks.

You're quite proud of being the funniest in Slytherin, aren't you? It's not really an accomplishment, you know. Why would Neville say that? Wait, when did you talk to Neville?

Nope, you get to pick who you want to get to laugh. And no, but they're getting pretty close. So you're going by something you heard when you were seven? Oh yes, that'll hold up in a serious debate. (Sarcasm)

And I'm not annoying, you're just easily annoyed. I'm so lucky that I thought ahead and said I couldn't be the one you made laugh, cos if I hadn't included that, you'd have won the bet already.

Poisoning you in my imagination,  
>Hermione Granger<p>

Ps. Well, my opinion is that you're wrong.

Pps. You do realize that you already called me annoying before this? And I'd like to meet this Blaise Zabini. I know he probably hates me, but anyone who can annoy you (myself included) is very talented. Except for Parkinson, because her face isn't a talent.

Ppps. You can't abuse the privilege of being weird. And saying your smirk is on vacation just make you even weirder.


	11. Malfoy 6

**Kaitlyn here again, I don't own the awesome Harry Potter (sob, sob)****,** **so the best I can do is write fanfictions.**** Enjoy!**

Granger,

I'm sorry I called you by your first name. Anyway, if the person is mentally unstable (like you) they would be driven away by my tremendous good looks. Maybe you're an U.C.T.N.A. (That's an Unknown Creature that's Not an Alien).

I am not delusional! You just don't want to admit that I have a higher IQ. And I am very nice! I have done plenty of nice things for you! I haven't called you a mudblood once in this letter.

If being weird confuses people, then you must confuse a whole lot of people. (The return of my smirk!) I'll have you know, Granger, I have an amazing personality. So how does that tarnish my equally amazing personality?

I _am_ the funniest Slytherin. So, I should be proud. I always talk to the people I bully. It's called Bonding through Beating. You should try it.

Does it count if I bully Longbottom into laughing? I can do that you know. I'm very influential, one would say.

I was a very clever seven-year-old, for your information. And you don't have to point out your sarcasm as if I'm some sort of dummy. I can see you know.

I am not easily annoyed. I've put up with Pansy Parkinson for all these years, haven't I? What do have to say to that, mudblood?

Yours untruly,

Big D

P.S. Your opinion is very stupid.

P.P.S. Blaise Zabini wouldn't want to meet you, however. He only associates with humans, not U.C.T.N.A.s. Sorry.

P.P.P.S. It's too bad your face can't go on a permanent vacation.


	12. Hermione 6

Malfoy,

Firstly, I am _not_ mentally unstable, and it's not your tremendous good looks (insert snort here) that drives me away. It's your snobby personality and addiction to hair gel. Okay? You just made up an EXTREMELY weird acronym.

You are very delusional, and my IQ is higher than yours. But I'm going to let it go because thousands of trees die every time you attempt to prove your point. And I've met dead squirrels nicer than you. I'm just saying.

Where did your smirk go exactly? Second, is it possible to "tarnish" a personality? Only you, Malfoy…

Bonding through Beating is the dumbest thing I have heard of. Wait, the second dumbest (the first was sending your smirk on vacation).

You aren't influential, that's called peer-pressure. There's a difference Malfoy. Look it up. I mean it.

I think it only counts if someone _else_ calls you clever. Do dumb people really know that they are dumb?

You just called me a mudblood. So you can't say you haven't said something mean to me once in this letter. (Ha! Contradictions!)

That was corny,

Hermione Jean Granger

P.S. My opinion is better than yours.

P.P.S. There you go with that weird acronym again. *Sigh*

P.P.P.S. You realize my face is attached to my head, right? Never mind…


	13. Malfoy 7

**Kaitlyn here. I don't own Harry Potter, or else I would have no need to write fanfiction. Pity...**

Granger,

Hypothetically speaking, if you were mentally unstable, would you be willing to admit it, to me no less? Just some food for thought. Also, I got over my hair gel addiction when I was 12! I am a changed man! Acronyms are fun. You should try it sometime.

I bet mudbloods like to kill trees right? I saw that some of them put pictures of items in a store on dead trees, and mail them to people. I think that's so sick! And FYI, I am much nicer than any dead squirrel you'll ever meet. There all jerks.

My smirk went to the Bahamas, and also for your information, it IS possible to tarnish a personality. I mean, you're living proof of that!

Granger I am insulted! Do you mean to inform me that both the first and second dumbest things you have ever heard were from me? What about Potty and Weasel? They had to have said something stupid that bests my words.

I'm pretty sure that being influential and peer-pressure are NOT the same thing. As you have probably been many times in your mudblood life, you are wrong.

I'm not sure if dumb people know that they are dumb. Hold on a moment while I write a letter to a Weasley to test my theory. Please stand by.

Knowing I'm right,

Malfoy

P.S. You're opinion will be better than mine when pigs fly. Scratch that. We are wizards after all...

P.P.S. Let's see you make a better acronym, Miss Granger Smarty-Pants, and then we'll see who's laughing. (It'll be me!)

P.P.P.S. I know you're face is attached to your head, I've had to look at it for three years now (Shudders).


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Romance