Rise of the Guardians Guardians of Childhood: A User Guide and Manual

I do not own Rise of the Guardians.

My son's oft viewed DVD would beg to differ tho.

E. Aster Bunnymund: A User Guide and Manual

* * *

Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first BUNNY unit. In order to ensure a happy Guardian-esque future with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.

* * *

Technical Specifications:

Name: E. Aster Bunnymund

Nicknames/Aliases: Guardian of Hope, Easter Rabbit, Easter Hare, Bunny, Easter Kangaroo

Age: As long as childlike minds have dared to dream

Place of Manufacture: Children's Imaginations, German Lutheran Folklore

Height: 6 ft. 1 in

Weight: _Seriously_? Do you really think he'd stand still for _that_?

Included Accessories:

(1) set of enchanted boomerangs

(1) inexhaustible supply of exploding Easter Eggs

(1) expansive Warren, used for repose and mass egg decorating

Programming:

Your BUNNY unit is programmed with the following modes:

_Powerful Pooka_: As you may have noticed, your BUNNY unit does not present as a normal, fluffy eared cottontail so much as a mondo badbutt warrior rabbit. Which is exactly what he is. Hailing from a long line of proud and noble Pookas, your BUNNY unit carries on the traditions of the past in honor of his fallen comrades at the murderous shade hands of a wraithlike PITCH BLACK unit.

_Guardian of Hope:_ For your BUNNY unit, Easter is so much more than just a scavenger hunt for multihued oval breakables. It signifies the return of Spring and hope to a cold and barren land. Thusly, your BUNNY unit's mission is to usher in the renewal of life and warmth in the hearts and minds of children everywhere. Not too shabby an undertaking for a rough talking, nose twitching, fluffy furball, huh?

_Eggs-pert Extraordinaire: _Innumerable color possibilities, eye catching graceful swirls, and shifting tints of rainbow beauty are all part of the magic of Easter which your BUNNY unit takes great pride and enjoyment in creating for the happiness of children everywhere. After all, not everyone can deal so dexterously and patiently with such delicate perishables. No one but your specially gifted BUNNY unit, that is.

_Lone Wolf, ahem, Bunny_: Your BUNNY unit cannot truthfully be considered a team player as such. Mostly since he was not designated as Guardian of Childhood team captain. And no one takes his importance as seriously as they really should. However, a good-hearted hare, your BUNNY unit will strive to protect his comrades to the best of his magically inclined abilities.

_Rough and Tough Big Ole' Softie_: Your BUNNY unit does indeed possess a warrior's spirit, there is no doubt about that. And while he talks big, the care and consideration he shows for his eggs and children (after the initial shock of _'hey, what? kids?!) _reveals a softer, much more cuddly side to this complex, interesting character. Just don't let him know you know. You know? And keep a stash of Jack's Frost blue 'special happy snow' on hand for whenever he gets cranky.

_Compulsively Competitive Carrot Cruncher_: Always up for a challenge, your BUNNY unit is eager to show that his way is the only way. Whether it be preferred mode of transportation (smooth sliding holes as opposed to bumpy carrot regurgitative air travel), or collecting shiny enamel-based spoils of war, your BUNNY unit will strive to be the best of the best. Just don't let him forget to leave actual recompense during tooth-snatching heists. The coin machine of your local Laundromat will do nicely to provide him with proper currency.

_Mischievous Miscreant_: Not as advanced in this art as say, a certain snipey Warner Brothers denizen, but certainly able to hold his own, your BUNNY unit does enjoy a good trick now and again. Especially if he thinks it will slow down his competition in a tooth collecting extravaganza. From sparking fireplace entries with licking flames to random bunny hole entrapments, your BUNNY unit exhibits quite the entertaining devilish streak though we think you would agree it does not diminish his adorableness in the least.

Useful Talents/Abilities:

Your BUNNY unit has many useful talents and abilities. The following are but a few.

_Nerves of Steel_: A self-proclaimed brave warrior, your BUNNY unit stands ready and willing to fight and vanquish any foe that dares steps foot in his way. He will leap to the forefront of any battle, be it the wicked shadowman Pitch, or frightening nightmare wraith-horses. Though greyhounds and small children do tend to throw him for a loop.

_Master of Tai Chi_: Though your BUNNY unit _claims_ be well versed in this Chinese meditative martial art (um, _how_ does that fit with him being an Aussie?), no one's really _seen_ it in action. And frankly, it doesn't seem to really be much use in canine evasion exercises.

_Superb Egg Concealer_: Having had centuries to hone his craft, not only is your BUNNY unit very adept at not only decorating eggs, but also hiding them in the perfect places for 'lil ankle biters' to discover them with joy on Easter day. And rest assured he will watch in quiet glee and delight as they shout and celebrate their precious treasures that their magical friend has brought them.

_Independent Traveler_: Your BUNNY unit has the capability to traverse great distances quite easily due to his magical underground tunnel system. Unlike the Percy Jackson epics, these tunnels are not wrought with peril and danger. They are dry and earthy and after he moves about, lightly bespotted with spring buds.

_Magical Plant Whisperer:_ Your BUNNY possesses the unique talent of raising lovely spring blossoms where he trods. Except for that freezing snowbound wastebound inhabited by North. And who would ever want to stay there? Am I right?

_Aussie Linguistic Coach_: Listen closely (and happily) to every nuance and syllable emitting from your BUNNY unit's nibblers and you'll be treated to a treasure trove of linguistic delights. Your BUNNY unit hails from Australia where his lovely and vibrant Warden lies well hidden underground. And if you listen well and often then you too one day be able to speak like an Aussie and correctly use such colorful terms as 'crikey', and 'brumby' and 'gumby' as well as other non 'e' words in your daily lexicon. Though people may tend to look at you funny if you are from such places as say Utah or Kentucky.

Compatibility with Other Units:

NORTH unit: 'A grudging respect' is the easiest and best definition for the relationship between these two prideful fellas. Though it does irritate your BUNNY unit when the somewhat abrasive tattooed jolly Russian man declares 'Easter is not Christmas'.

SANDMAN unit: Though occasionally frustrated by this mute sleeping dust peddler's poor charades skills, your BUNNY unit has a long-lasting friendship with this character. It probably helps that this unique character does not possess the verbal ability to actually _argue_ with anything the BUNNY unit says.

JACK FROST unit: Initially, your BUNNY unit would much rather prefer 'the groundhog' to any sort of collaboration with the guy who ruined the infamous Easter of '68. And the warm fuzzies don't immediately pop up either. Between verbal jabs (Easter Kangaroo, _indeed_) and feats of showpony-isc display, these two dudes have a long row to hoe before becoming the best of mates.

MAN IN THE MOON unit: Otherwise known as MiM and Manny, it is a well-documented fact (thanks to the mysterious William Joyce) that this mysterious entity brought the Guardians together to care and protect and watch over the children of Earth. A silent entity, Mim nevertheless makes his opinion and preferences clear. Even when your BUNNY unit wishes he wouldn't.

TOOTHANIA (aka Tooth Fairy): Although somewhat disturbed by her manic delight of teeth covered with blood and gum, your BUNNY unit has a relatively smooth friendship with this fluttery, hyperactive little tooth obsessed entity. He'll help her in any way he can and eases back on his trademark snarkiness when interacting with her. Because even six foot one, nerves of steel, badbutt Pookas are gentlemen when the situation calls for it.

GREYHOUND DOG unit: Your BUNNY unit is an obvious alpha male with an aforementioned steely nervous system. However, anybody can be caught by surprise. Or an alarm clock. He may run pell mell in search of an escape because hey that canine's got some wicked sharp teeth.

CHILD unit: Your BUNNY unit has devoted his existence to bringing the revival of Spring and the feeling of hope to all children everywhere. So much so that he has had time to actually engage with the children themselves. He will feel a bit taken back when a forced meeting occurs, but so long as she/he/it/them does not disturb the sanctity of his Warden too awful much, he will warm to them and reach out for a pet (Not him, don't dare pet him, no.).

PITCH BLACK unit: Your BUNNY unit despises this evil villain with all of his hope-springing little heart. And for good reason too. As Legend has it, this slinky, lurking ink-hearted scoundrel laid waste to an entire village of Pookas and your BUNNY unit was the lone survivor. He has survived alone ever since and vowed never to let PITCH BLACK reign supreme in this or any other realm ever again. And trust us, mate, you don't want to test that vow.

Cleaning and Maintenance of your BUNNY unit and your home:

Your BUNNY unit is quite capable of cleaning himself, though we suppose he wouldn't mind a soft brush to spruce up that white and blue fur of his.

Also, it should be note that nearly any and all pets have a tendency to shed and so you might want to invest in a compact vacuum cleaner to help keep your house dander free.

Seeing your BUNNY unit tap holes in your floor, disappearing and reappearing into them has a tendency to cause bouts of homeowner's panic regarding the solidarity of your foundation. Fear not, dear mortgage sufferer, and stop dialing your local insurance provider. These holes are magical in nature and will not weaken the internal structure of your humble abode. Besides, your local insurance representative will probably just think you are batcrap crazy anyway.

Once a year, your BUNNY unit will no doubt appreciate a gift of linseed oil to rub into the grains of his specially made, one of a kind boomerangs. Such delicate care will maintain the quality of these weapons and show your BUNNY you really do care. Plus it'll keep him ready for any childhood destroying miscreants that invade our happy world.

Feeding:

Carrots. We're going to go with carrots. Or quite possibly Vegemite, a unique Australian 'delicacy'. Though it's never be proven to be appreciated by a BUNNY unit.

Rest:

The lush green, gently rolling pastures of his Warden certainly provide enough space and comfort for a bit of light repose should your BUNNY unit choose to do so. It'll have to wait 'til after Easter though, mate. He's dealing with perishables, after all.

Frequently Asked Questions and Trouble Shooting:

Q: I went on vacay for a week and my BUNNY unit's physical self seems somewhat reduced though his personality is as big as ever. Is he experiencing some sort of malfunction?

A: Yes, your BUNNY unit is experiencing a Mythological Creatures Identity Crisis, or MCIC, for short. You see, you were not there to believe in him and now his psyche is pouting. Scratch him behind the ears, thank him for all the eggs, throw him under the couch, and watch him pop out back to original size.

Q: My BUNNY unit keeps stealing all my organic eggs from the fridge and stockpiling them to decorate and hide for Easter. I need to eat eggs for their protein value. How do I make him stop?

A: Dude, he's the Easter Bunny. A six foot one Easter Bunny. Nothing for it. Switch to steak for breakfast.

Q: My BUNNY unit is small, wears a blue plaid shirt, and likes to play roll-n-rock a lot instead of guarding anything. He also sounds more Cockney British than rolling Aussie. Can you explain this please?

A: You must have accidently received an 'E.B.' model rather than a 'BUNNYMUND' model. Please return Russell Brand, er, 'E.B.' model, to our Amazon Company and we will exchange it for the proper hare. And if you also received a James Marsden/Fred O'Hare playmate, you must return him as well as they are a set. Oh stop _crying_.

Q: I decided to cash in all my frequent flier miles and take my BUNNY unit to Australia for a playdate with a real kangaroo. Unfortunately, he's so doped up on Dramamine from motion sickness that the kangaroo just got bored and hopped away with my BUNNY unit stuffed in its pouch. What is your policy on lost/stolen items?

A: Unfortunately, our company does not refund lost BUNNY units just because you were worried about him cheesing carrots all over the plane. Next time, let him throw you down a hole instead of forcing him to get airborne.

Q: My BUNNY unit refuses to show me his claws and doesn't automatically heal when he stubs his toesies. He also won't answer to the moniker 'Logan' and refuses to call me 'Bub'. Why isn't he complying?

A: Because you're in the wrong movie franchise, pal! You've ordered a BUNNY unit and not a WOLVERINE unit (which are also for sale by the way, just send inquiry), ya' gumby!

End Note:

Your BUNNY unit is a very unique and special character. Given the right combination of attention and freedom, he will endure as a beloved legend for the ages. Just keep the magic of childhood in your heart and you'll always be able to see him.

* * *

**This fic was created at the behest of Bunny's Daughter. Bet you can guess her preferred affiliation. Hope you enjoy this, sweetie.**

**Leave anything important out? Let me know and I'll find a spot for it.**

**By reader request, NORTH unit in production process and will be available in the relatively near future.**

**Everybody loves feedback, including me. Leave a review if you like.**


End file.

Rise of the Guardians, Humor