Assassin's Creed 1. Introduction

The Auditores remains Ubisoft's. Amen.

My salutation to the person who invented fiction-letter. You're the best.

First of all, I love the Auditores. Love love love them! I love their personalities, and also they're so close at beating the Sun family on my favorite videogame family.

No, not close. I'm still deciding whether they are going to be at the top of the list or not.

To ask them questions, please leave your questions on the Reviews (if I am not mistaken. I'm still new in , so please correct me if I am wrong), and please write in full sentences. Lucky readers will have their question(s) answered by the Auditores (Giovanni, Maria, Federico, Ezio, Claudia, & Petruccio. Not sure with Mario. If I got enough number of people who wanted him to be here, I'll insert him.). You could also ask question directly to a specific Auditore or here's an idea : you could ask question to be answered as a family.

Oh anyway, _Ser_ Giovanni wants to say something to you guys :

_Dear readers,_

_As the head of the Auditore family, I wish to say that I am happy to begin this fiction-letter!_

_We'll be more than glad to answer your question, but please keep everything clean & square (or as _Signorina_ Editor puts it as 'K+') because we'll just probably dodge too explicit questions (though I sense that Federico & Ezio would be more than willing to answer that kind of question. Hmm)._

_On the lighter note, I have been advising _Signorina_ Editor to lock her bedroom at night, and she is well acknowledged why. Maybe I should chain Federico & Ezio on their beds for good. And oh, some basic Italian lines so she could dodge my sons' pickup lines. _

_Have a nice day, _

_-Giovanni Auditore da Firenze_

Oh yeah, _Ser_ Giovanni & _Donna_ Maria have been calling me _Signorina_ Editor, and they also insisted me to call them 'Giovanni' and 'Maria', as I insisted them to call me simply 'Editor'. Their children just simply called me 'Editor'. Wait, Federico just called me 'Ed'. _Ma cosa… _

Okay, gotta go. Going to help them unload their thingies. It's really hard to convince them to leave their stuffs behind since they're not going to need their Renaissance clothes at this era. I actually had planned an Abercrombie & Fitch session for the boys. At least the girls travel light.

Not. They bring their entire wardrobe –facepalmed-. TopShop. Now.


	2. Chapter 2  iguannablogger's reply

Dear Auditore family at large,

How do you deal with nasty mosquito bites? I mean, you guys are outside a lot, right? You must have some experience with bug bites. I've got this really really nasty one on my toe, and every time I put on my shoes it gets worse! What do I do?

yours always,

a concerned fangirl.

* * *

_Dear a concerned fangirl,_

_First of all, we thank you for your question! It's time for us to start working out since all those junk food that _Signorina_ Editor provided us in the mean time. No offence to _Signorina_ Editor, as I found that it tasted pretty good, especially Subway, while the kids preferred Burger King. _

Si_, we, especially myself, Federico, & Ezio, did went outside a lot, especially on assassinations missions and my sons also got… 'masculine adventures' at nights (yet they still think I didn't know that. Pfuit.). We knew how you felt, since we also found that mosquito bites are irritatingly distracting, so in order to anticipate that, our assassin outfits covered almost all of our skin, so _nessun problema_._

_Our advice, don't scratch the mosquito bite! Avoid any contact with it. In these times, I suggest wearing these sticky healing ribbons called 'Hansaplast' to cover the mosquito bite. And _ehi_, washing the mosquito bite with soap water helps reducing its itchy-ness. _

_I hope that advices would work for you. It's summer here, and _Signorina_ Editor has been working hard for our comfort by using this sophisticated weapon called 'mosquito racket' that would instantly killed whichever mosquito that touched it. We found it quite entertaining, and we did had this silly mosquito hunting game, with _Signorina_ Editor as the winner, as we found ourselves still trying our hardest to adapt with this new invention. Not only the mosquito racket, but also all this new, bizarre, things all around us. But so far, I love the mosquito racket most. I'd liked to request Leonardo to make one for me and it would be very helpful back then._

_Best regards,_

_~Giovanni Auditore da Firenze_

* * *

**Editor's Note : Whoa. I didn't open the internet for _two_ days, and there are already like, _five _questions? But I've just done with this! -.- **

**Byyyy the way, couldn't they stop gathering around me when I was typing this? They were, like, too fascinated with my computer and every time I type, Petruccio always pokes the keyboard and kept asking me why 'the letter suddenly popped out' or why 'people in this era write letters in shining windows'. Cute, but it's getting annoying -.- Not only that, in every one minute, everyone was asking how's this thing worked, how do I use it, for what, and just right now, I've just stopped Federico & Ezio from trying to sleep inside the fridge. Global warming, I knoow, but couldn't you guys stop doing that? It's _me_ who have to put back all those stuffs inside the fridge again. **

**So okay, the whole family really slow me down, but that's understandable since there's a really big gap between the Renaissance era and the 21st century. So I'm sorry if I gave you late reply or the Auditores could not answer all of your questions. Also, let's give the Auditores time. They're trying their best to keep up with _your_ era. If I could answer all of your questions, you could suspect me for having one of the Piece of Eden, especially the one which could copy yourself.**

**Lastly, when asking a question, could you guys type it in a letter format? Just like 'a concerned fangirl''s question here. It would be more preferable since, well, this is a fiction-letter. **


	3. Chapter 3  carelineparis' reply

ZOMG! I've been waiting for someone to actually make this type of fic! xD

So anyways here's my question to the Auditore Boys (including Petruccio darling)

Ezio/Federico- Considering you two are Firenze's heartthrobs (and me being a girl) Can you give some tips on how to get us girls be noticed by guys like you? (plus tell me what type of girls do you two like?)

Petruccio- Since you're not allowed out of the house what do you do all day? Do you invite your friends over or something?

That is all. I might be back for more. . . Mwah! xD

~carelineparis

* * *

_Dear carelineparis,_

_Whoa, this is the first time we've been asked a dating question! I-_

_No, not the first time, stupid. I AM, the one who gave dating advices for you when you still dating that Christina girl! You see, _mio fratello_, Ezio, here, is quite incompetent in handling dating-_

_Screw that. You were dead anyway in the story, so you didn't see what happened after-_

_Wait, we have a lady over here. Remember, Ezio, dating rule number 2 : it would be very rude to make a lady waits. And Ed, listen to this also. I couldn't believe a person like you are still single, _Dio mio_._

_So okay, this would also answer your number two question, carelineparis. First step, to be noticed by a heartthrob, you must standout. In the game, you might see us chasing after sharp-tongued, witty, 'tough' girls like Caterina or Rosa. Well, we might oppose this, since, well, mostly Renaissance Italian women are, si, friendly & talkative._

_But you know what, the true pleasure of a Casanova is how we are able to understand, approach, and lastly won the heart of every kind of girl. So you don't have to be sharp-tounged, witty, 'tough' girl like that in order to get noticed. We just simply love those girls because they are so comfortable being themselves. And I believe that every girl is unique because of their personalities._

_Second step, you should find a way or a chance to talk with the heartthrob. Just watching him from afar is not enough. You could at least say hi, or okay, I know girls are so smart that they could make themselves 'accidently' meet their heartthrob. It happened to us a lot –laughed-. Suddenly they are all in the places where we usually been and they are all very well-acknowledge with the stuffs we like or our hobbies, so conversations are just so natural._

_Oh yeah, one of the most important step : you should truly know who you after._

_Yeah, I mean, besides how does he looks like, you should know what kind of person is he. Is he shy, mature, childish, serious, introvert, extrovert, into arts, into what kind of music, likes fish, likes to eat _pancit_, walks backward, etc._

_Very important, you know, since you don't want to end up with a _coniglio_._

_So okay, in a nutshell, these are our advice for you :_

_1. Stand out. Be yourself. Love yourself._

_2. Know your target._

_3. Find a way to keep contact with him. Say hi is not enough._

_4. Wash yourself. Comb your hair. Look pretty. Get dressed. It doesn't have to be expensive, but just don't looked like someone straight from the gutter._

_5. Deep breath, be natural, be confident, be nice._

_6. Be patient, always look for his reaction._

_I hope the tips work for you, carelineparis! _Buona fortuna_! Keep an eye on us, will you? :)_

Mahal kita!

_~Federico & Ezio Auditore da Firenze_

_

* * *

_

_Dear carelineparis,_

_First of all, _grazie_ for the questions. My_ mamma _told me to stay in my room also. I feel bad that Editor been into an argument with my _mamma_ to at least let me out into the living room to answer your question._

_Back home, I usually play with Annetta, my maid, since _I miei fratelli _usually been out a lot and _mia sorella _didn't really seemed like to play with me. She said that I am boring, since I could not jump around or chase her like she liked to do. Since Annetta did not come with us to this era, I felt a little lonely. But Editor has been visiting my room here quite a lot, and she reminded me of Annetta. Annetta is very creative and she could turn anything into a fun game. I can't even count how many games I have played with her. She is also good in storytelling and I think she should write her own book someday._

_My former classmates like to visit me, even though they had to use gloves and that special mask that a dottore usually wears since they are afraid to get sick also. It was very confusing but it got very funny. Annetta invented a game called 'Guess Who?', and I have to guess who is the person behind the mask, depending on only one clue that each person gave._

_That's all I could answer for now. My mamma has been yelling Editor to let me go back to my room. She is going to give me a medicine called 'antibiotics'. She is also going to give me a sweet, healthy tablet called 'vitamins' also, which I started to like so much._

Ingat ka,

_~Petruccio Auditore da Firenze_

* * *

**Author's note : OMG! They are coming! They are coming! They are coming to the Philippines! Somebody stop them! Carelineparis! Lock your bedroom! XD Hahaha. Kidding. I hope you love the reply, carelineparis. I also hope the _Filipino_ lines are correct, since I only learn some from my pinoy teachers at school. I think Federico & Ezio are so fascinated in learning pick-up lines in new languages. At least we share a same line. Learning new language, I mean.**

**Seriously, I didn't see something wrong with Petruccio. He is a plump, healthy-looking boy, and I believe he has a hidden energy as big as the sun that would suddenly explode, maybe later when he was older. I did not know why Maria told me that he is sick. He didn't show any symptoms of immunity problems, and Maria kept giving him antibiotics. Do you know how dangerous it is to consume antibiotics in a large doses? **

**By the way, they started asking me a ton of question about the TV and the air conditioner. Wait, wait. I'll be back.**


	4. Chapter 4 Orange Rain's reply

Dear Auditores,

For Ezio : how does it feel to lead the Brotherhood of Assassins? What are your plans for the Brotherhood in the future?

For Giovanni : how do you view Ezio as an Assassin? What are his strengths and weaknesses and the things he needs to work on?

For Claudia : as the last surviving Auditore beside Ezio, why not become an Assassin yourself? I'm sure Ezio could use the help avenging your family.

~Orange Rain

* * *

_Dear Orange Rain,_

_Well, for me, leading the Brotherhood of Assassins is a very new experience. I never imagined myself leading, nor had the desire to do it before. Assassins usually worked solo, and I found it a bit difficult to work in groups at first, since, well, three's a crowd. But practice makes perfect, and actually, groups are pretty lethal. Also, I have the chance to meet new people and make new friends. The new, budding assassins are high-spirited and very willing to learn. They are also very creative, due to their diverse backgrounds. I got to learn the world much more, thanks to them._

_And my plans for the Brotherhood? Mi dispiace, I can't tell you ; ) Just keep an eye of us, we could be everywhere._

_Have a nice day,_

_~Ezio Auditore da Firenze _

* * *

_Dear Orange Rain, _

_Dear, your question is most unexpected for me. Actually, I was trying to talk to Ezio about this, only to wait for the opportunity. I think this is such a confidential question since I don't like to criticize somebody in front of other people. _

_For this delicate question, I will try to answer as best as I could. _

_For my sons being Assassins, I gave them the freedom to choose, but I also gave them the wisdom to consider. In Ezio's situation, well, I could not forgive myself to fall that easily to the Templars, only to find that, again, nothing is true, everything is permitted. Ezio chose to listen to his heart and avenge our enemies. Vengeance is anything but an honorable deed, but nothing is true, everything is permitted. In conclusion, Ezio had done what he thought was best, and whatever he did, I will always be proud of him. _

_What I saw in Ezio was his very own valor, an extraordinaire in might, which, among my children, that I think he is the only one to have it. I just wanted to remind him that anything with the word 'too' could be dangerous. 'Too much' might lead to recklessness. 'Too little' might lead to laziness._

_I hope that would answer your question, Orange Rain. Thank you for the questions, and have a nice day!_

_Sincerely,_

_~Giovanni Auditore da Firenze_

* * *

Salute_ Orange Rain!_

_First of all, _grazie moooooolto_ for the question! :D (I am trying to use this modern-day communication trend called 'emoticons'. Oh yeah, adding letters like thiiiiis too. It's soooo cute. ) I'm bored, and it started to rain a lot here and oh, I just hope that Editor has a nicer house. Her roof leaked, and because of the nowadays house structures, every time it rained, it sent water all over the kitchen. Luckily, Editor always stores everything on the cabinet, so no need to worry about the food and the kitchen appliances. But Editor must mop the floor & clean the mess herself for our comfort. Served her right. _

_Okay, ignore that. Editor's a nice person anyway. Very fun, and she could be very loud if she wanted. She deserved a better palazzo, _Dio mio_ (and better clothes, and better jewelries, and better, better, better, better…). That's easy, _Pappa_ would buy her a new one. That's even easier if I'm the one begging ;) _

_About that, well, _si_, I also felt angry and sad upon the death of my family. The reason why I could not join mio fratello in avenging our enemies was I realized that my mother needed me. I could not leave her alone. I understood how she felt, and later on I realized that I was also the only one who could cure her. I realized what kind of person that I could be, instead of being a daddy's girl or a spoiled brat like I was before, and I knew I could be better than that._

_And anyway, killing people's just sooooo not my world. The heavy armors, the excruciating long hours of practice, the more excruciating long hours of just waiting, sneaking, being quiet, running around, being grilled under the sun, the even more excruciating scene of butchering, hacking people, and bloods, double eww for the last one. I would prefer pointing at someone to do something for me instead of being a 'man in action' (ugh, get down, sweating, and dirty, you mean?) just like my brothers. _

_Yours truly,_

_~Claudia Auditore da Firenze_

* * *

**Editor's note : Whoa. It has been **_**a few**_** days the Auditores stayed in my place and there has been **_**a lot**_** happening in here, so forgive me if you found that today's Editor's note long. If you don't want to read any long passages anymore, screw this page and get out of here. **

**Kidding. **

**My Italian lessons with **_**Ser**_** Giovanni started today. I found it a bit different from the other European languages that I learned autodidact before. And when it hit the verbs (**_**Ser**_** Giovanni felt that it is essential if I get the basic of it, because if I did, he said that I will have no problem in mastering the rest of the language. Hopefully.), my head started to spin so hard and **_**Ser**_** Giovanni just gave up and announced that the lesson is finished for today.**

**My current obsession in the net is Looklet. I know I'm late -.- and I sucked so much in fashion, (but do dropped by in my page *winkie*) but me and Claudia has been playing it like crazy for hours, and Maria would dropped by sometimes if she is not busy tending Petruccio. Our sense of fashion is just **_**too**_** different. Duh, Claudia's from the Renaissance, I came from… uhh… Planet Gaga or something? It's a miracle that we could laugh it off and still make awesome clothes. ;) Claudia's favorite nowadays fashion items is the high-waist jeans (Woot! Woot!), and she insisted that oversized bags should always be carried by personal maids. You go, girl. **

**It started to rain a lot here, and that means ultimate boredom for Federico and Ezio. They started to look for activities (in my dictionary : trouble) instead of scratching their Abercrombie & Fitch jeans and moaning about 'how uncomfortable it is'. Ugh, get over it. It has been days and your other family members could suit themselves (and looked goooood), and remember that **_**I'm**_** the one who bought you that. **_**For your own comfort **_**. Due to Global Warming. A&F is not cheap, and I have to broke my savings for that. I did chose the most comfortable jeans for you, not just grabbing whatever jeans I see. It's better to use today's garments instead of wearing your layer-y Renaissance clothes. **

**At least they like the hoodies (too much). But they always forgot to tie their sneakers. -.-**

**But okay, they could be nice if they're not trying to flirt with me or messing the house. They **_**really**_** like being in their 'big brother mode' (remember the 'Beat-the-Cheat' mission?) and I get to talk to them about a lot of things. **

**Remember my disagreements with **_**Donna**_** Maria about Petruccio? There has been a cold war, a bit. And Donna Maria is also a stone-headded person like me, so she tried her hard not to talk to me.**

**Failed. After she found out I have a big passion for finding the ultimate **_**cuccina rustica**_**, she immediately forgave me and we started to chat a lot about it. She said that my cooking lessons would start tomorrow. Yays. **

**I found **_**Donna**_** Maria a bit like my mom (in stone-headedness), and Petruccio is a very, very, very delicate issue for her, far, far, more delicate than I assumed, based on what I heard, what I saw, and what I read. Later on, she apologized for behaving so to me, but then she made a clear line on how I should help her accommodate Petruccio. But I also made a clear line on how to use nowadays medicals, like always follow the instructions on the label and to not use certain medicals without professional medical advices, or at least, without my supervisions. **

**I still remembered that she gave Petruccio antibiotics overdosed. I cross-fingered that Petruccio's going to be okay, but so far, I think Petruccio is fine. And what I mean fine here is he didn't show any side effect of being antibiotics overdosed and also he didn't show any signs that he is sick (except with Bieber Fever. OH NO! Next chapter I'll explain). But Maria kept insisting me giving them, so, there might be a cold war later. Oh, boy, I hate it. **

**Anyway, everyone started to poke my left-handed-ness (yes, I'm a lefty. Obvious when I am eating -.-) (Not really. I'm ambidextrous. I do some things, like using my phone or the remote, with my right hand.). They (especially Petruccio, who, in my opinion, always have high curiosity for things) seemed like… fascinated, with it? I doubt that, they should not be. Leonardo is lefty, what's so wow with me being a lefty? They kept asking me to write or do things with my left hand and they went 'oooh' and started asking question. **

**By the way, I'm going to practice my cello (I'm also lefty in this. What?). Now, everybody, grab your earplugs and safe your lives. There's a giant fly coming.**


End file.

Assassin's Creed, Parody