Final Fantasy VII E! Behind the scenes - The revenge!

Written by the Rat.  
  
This is a follow-up to the first one I did.  
  
IF YOU DON'T KNOW A DISCLAIMER SHEET BY NOW, SEND ME YOUR E-MAIL   
AND HOME ADDRESS AND I WILL HIT YOU ON THE HEAD WITH MY KEYBOARD   
BECAUSE YOU ARE A FRUITCAKE!  
  
Same as my first FF7 disclaimer, except I did not make the parasite   
joke up. Jeremy Corbett did. Or Barnard Gumble.   
I also don't own any boy or girl bands mentioned here.   
Oh, what a world. Sob sob. Boo hoo.  
I think I may have to change the rating 'cause I said one swear word.   
For comical-effect though.  
  
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Welcome veiwers, to part two of the E! Behind the scenes. This is part   
two of our behind the scenes look at Final Fantasy 7.  
Tonight we take you into the stunt studio to meet some of the monsters.   
We take a look at some bloopers and out-takes that never made it into   
the final game.  
AND! By popular demand, we talk to Sephiroth himself!  
  
All that and more on E! Behind the scenes.  
  
"Hello. My name is Kurt Hawk and I am the host which makes you the   
parasite. Tonight I get to meet some more of the popular games   
characters."  
"I start tonight off with an interview I did with Aeris Gainsborough   
a while ago.. I met up with her near completion of the 1st CD."  
  
"Aeris, tell our viewers at home what part you play."  
(She stops twirling her hair.)   
"Well, I play Aeris, which is kinda freaky because   
my name is Aeris too!" (She giggles.)   
"She is a cute girl, just like me, who is kinda Cloud's boyfriend."   
(She giggles again.)  
"And what role does she play in the game?"  
"Well, I start off in a church. Cloud falls through the roof and me and   
him go to save his   
friend Tifa."  
"Is Tifa Clouds girlfriend?"  
"NO! I AM!"  
(There is a small pause as Kurt gets up off the floor and sits back on   
his chair.)  
"Uh, sorry. So is there some sexual tension between you two off set?"  
(She giggles.) "He he he!"  
"What's so funny?"  
"He he he he he!"  
"Aeris?"  
"You said sex! He he he he he he he he he!"  
(Kurt looks at his watch.)  
"No, none at all. On and off set me and Cloud get along very well.   
We are hardly ever apart."  
(Cloud walks past them to get a drink. Aeris stands up.)  
"Hey Cloud! How are you?"  
"Grunt." (Cloud gets his drink and pushes his way past, knocking her over.   
She gets up and laughs.)  
"See, he loves me. I sent him a valentine once, and it was funny because   
when I went to his room to see if he had gotten it I saw one exactly the   
same in the bin. He he he. It was probably from Tifa, the filthy skank."  
(Kurt gasps in shock.)  
"Huh? Oh, did I say skank? I meant nice person."   
(She mouths "bitch" under her breath.)   
"Um, changing subject. I understand you have a record deal coming out soon."  
"Oh yes. It's cool, I get to tour with Britany and Cristina!   
It's called the "Teeny-bopper-bubble-princess-super-duper-underweight-  
airhead-millionare-girlband-pop-diva-underage-girly-barbie-chick-power-  
fairy-queen-sister-scantily-dressed-tube-top-internet-geek-worshipped-drool-  
magnet-implant-4-day-old-one-hit-wonder tour! We get to co-tour with NSync,   
Five and Westlife and their "One-hit-high-pitched-dance-co-ordinated-girls-  
bedrooms-poster-song-stealing-fasion-craze-inducing-gay-rumours-trend-  
generating tour. I think it's important that us teens stand up for rights   
such as cute animals and banning bad dress sense."  
"Uh, O.k. Last question, 'cause I think this whole interview has been a strain   
on your brain, and obviously little intellect."  
"Thank you Kurt! That is so nice!"  
"Uh, did you even hear what I ..... never mind. What do you think your   
character will bring to the games next two CD's? Because as completion   
of the first CD draws closer, you will need to think about your characters   
future, if any."  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF ANY? I have a future! Me and Cloud get married and   
Tifa dies. Because I am so cute, young and innocent. And she is a slut!   
I will let you in on a little secret."  
(Leans over and whispers to Kurt.)  
"Her boobies aren't real!"   
(She giggles insanely. Kurt stares at her.)  
"No shit Sherlock."  
"Anyway, I see the director is calling you to the set so I will leave you to   
complete what will be a first-rate end to the 1st CD, and a first-rate start   
to your career as a character in the game."  
(He walks away, pausing only to make sure she isn't following. She gets up,   
takes out her cellphone and rings 0900 current-trend. After a short call   
she goes to her dressing room, adjusts her clothes to suit the current trend   
and goes to the set. She begins reading the script to get an idea of her   
next scene.)  
"Time to strut my stuff. 3rd CD, here I come. Cloud raises sword.   
Sephiroth descends, uses sword.   
Oh, um, Director? What does Gainsborough dies mean? Is that Tifa? Hello?"   
  
"God I'm glad I survived that last interview. But here are some people who   
are paid to survive. Well, person. Just one. Trent. Anyway, I am talking   
to the stunt double for the actors. Now I know veiwers at home couldn't   
care less what some two-bit stunt double has to say about anything, so I have   
gotten him to make his own video. Here it is!"  
(Camera shows a title. "I am the stunt person!" with a sub-title   
"When will the hurting stop?")  
"Hi, my name is Trent. I play Cloud when he gets hurt. Here is a   
typical scene."  
(Cloud is walking around the world map. Suddenly there is a random battle.   
It is against a giant bird. It uses petrify against Cloud.) "And cut!   
Trent, get in there. Cloud, great work baby. The camera loves you.   
Now get yourself a mineral water." (Trent goes on. A wave of grey vapour   
washes over him. He is instantly turned to stone. The fight continues   
until Yuffie uses white wind on the party.)  
"Cut. Back on Cloud. Good White Wind there Yuffie. GET THAT DAMN STATUE   
OFF THE SET!"  
(Two big security guards pick up Trent in his petrified state and dump him   
outside. Four hours later it wears off and he manages to break his head   
out of the stone and take a breath.)  
"See, that's part of my job." (He walks away, dragging his stone   
leg behind him.)  
  
"Now I talk to the actor who does the stunts for when the boss   
monsters get hurt.  
Let me see. It's in my notes...... Ah! I am talking to..... Trent?   
Trent, how does this role differ from getting hit as a character?"  
"Well, I will show you."  
(He shows a film of a battle against Proud-Clod, the man-made weapon.   
Cloud summons the Knights of the Round.)  
"Cut! Great, everyone off the set. STUNT MAN! COME HERE!   
Now, stand there."  
(Trent stands on a red dot. Standing before him are 13 huge Knights.   
They all grin when the director yells action and go to work beating up   
Trent.)  
"Good! Now special effects guy, super-impose Proud-Clods head and body   
on the stunt guys."  
(The special effects guy does and it now looks like Proud-Clod getting   
beaten up.)  
"And that is how the monsters get beaten up."  
(He walks away, his plastic arm hanginging limply by his side.  
  
"I now talk to the stunt double for the NPC's, ...... Oh my God.  
I don't believe..... Trent."  
"Hi again."  
"Um, Trent. Your job consists of having the living crap kicked out of   
you every single day. Do you get paid?"  
"No."  
"Do you get any recognition?"  
"No."  
"THEN WHY DO IT?"  
"Um...... well it's...... you see......"  
"I'm waiting!"  
"HEY! You're right! I am going to march right up to the director and  
say to his face I QUIT!"  
(Director calls from off-camera.)  
"Trent! Here! Now!"  
"Coming sir."  
  
"Uh, sorry folks. This whole session has been a waste of time.  
Crap interviews, stupid cast members. But now I have something you can   
all enjoy!"  
(He gets a call on his ear-piece.)  
"Uh-huh. What? When? Oh this is bull...... Ok."  
"Um, it seems we no longer have the out-take session rights.  
But I did manage to speak to Sephiroth! And here it is, the moment   
you have all been waiting for, Sephiroth!"  
  
(Barney Gumble off the Simpsons comes on. Kurt Hawk grins with glee.)  
"Oh, it is such an honour to meet you Mr Sephiroth."  
"BURP!"  
"Um, what was that Sephiroth?"  
"Where's my money? I'm having a strange sensation.  
OH MY GOD! I'm sober! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!"  
(He jumps out the window and is heard to crumple in a heap on the   
pavement. The camera guy faints. Kurt Hawk sees the Sephiroth wig.)  
"That's it! I quit!"  
(He walks away. The camera is still for a while before two feet can   
be seen approaching the camera. A deep voice speaks.)  
"What is this? Oh, it's the E! behind the scenes crew. I was waiting  
for them. It's not often that I, the great Sephiroth, allows interviews.  
Now where is Kurt?"  
  
  
(Two days later.)  
  
"What the hell is going on here! I asked for Sephiroth! I am the  
CEO of E! behind the scenes. Where is he? And where is Kurt Hawk?  
Making a public mockery of our show on national television!  
I WILL KILL HIM WHEN I FIND HIM!"  
  
(Meanwhile, two cities over........)  
"Hello. Welcome to Kurt Chat, the show where I, the host, your friend,   
Kurt Hawk interview the worlds biggest stars. Today I have with me   
Sephiroth. Now Sephiroth, take us through an average day for you  
working on the set of Final Fantasy 7."  
"Well, I wake up at six for a jog through the park with Hojo.  
Then it's off to the gym at seven to spar with Barret.  
At nine I meditate with Vincent and at ten I go swimming with Jenova."  
"And what inspired you to take the part of the bad-guy?"  
"Well, it can be traced back to my childhood. My dad was, well, I never  
knew my dad. He left when I was born."  
(He wipes his eyes.)  
"And my mother.... Oh God."  
(He breaks down and cries. Kurt passes him a pack of tissues. Sephiroth  
eventually calms down.)  
"My mother was an alcoholic. She had seven kids and only three are not   
currently in prison, and two of those not in prison are dead.  
I am the last in my family's lineage."  
"I know this must be hard for you, having to play a character with an   
evil father and a mother you never knew. Can you tell us what you feel  
when on set?"  
"Yeah, me and Hojo get along really well on set. The lady who plays   
my mother is also a great inspiration. And I also get along with the   
other characters. I am curently teaching Cloud how to read and have   
been sucessful in getting Trent a promotion."  
(Footage is shown of Trent sitting in the directors chair. He laughs   
and shouts action! The old director is seen being chased by every   
Weapon in the game.)  
"Now our veiwers at home want to see the hero. The man. The master   
swordsman. Are you anything like your bad-ass character?"  
"He he he. I get this alot. No, I am quite different. In fact, the  
complete opposite. I work with animals and children, I donate to  
several charaties and I don't break the law. And I certainley  
do not summon giant meteors so I can take all the life-force from the  
planet."  
"One last question. Do you think this game will impact society?"  
"Well, it already has. Recently some guy in America summoned age-old  
creatures to wreck havoc on todays society. And in Holland, a guy was  
arrested for making clones of himself so he could practice tattooing."  
"Well, thank you for your time Sephiroth, and I wish you well in your  
future."  
(The stage door bursts open and the CEO of E! behind the scenes come in.  
He is carrying a syringe.)  
"KuRt haWk! I hAVe CoME foR You! I Have InJectED MysELf wiTh MaKO JuiCe!  
BRING....IT....ON!"  
(Kurt nods to Sephiroth, who nods back. He takes his Masanume out  
and approaches the CEO. He is about to attack when the CEO speaks.)  
"FOOL! HE WON"T ATTACK ME! I AM HIS FATHER!"  
(The crowd goes silent. Sephiroth looks in his eyes.)  
"Dad? DAD! It is you!"  
(Sephiroth and the CEO hug each other. The CEO laughs as Sephiroth lowers  
his massive blade. He points at Kurt.)  
"NOW YOU DI..... ARRGGHH!"  
(He stops and turns around. Sephiroth is grinning. His sword is stabbed  
right through the CEO.)  
"You owe me 35 years back presents bitch!"  
(He spins around and slices off the CEO's head. Kurt laughs and looks at   
the camera.)  
"Now that is an example of something you would consider a blooper.  
We have found several scenes that were taken out of the game of  
Final Fantasy 7. Here they are!"  
  
"Scene #102-b - Cloud's first Omni-slash.  
"OK Cloud, GO!"  
(There is a whirring of steel as he launches the massive attack.  
When the smoke clears he is seen standing there with several bald  
spots on his head.)  
"How's that? What? What's so funny? Why is everybody laughing at me?"  
  
Scene #73-f - Vincent emerges.  
(Cloud and the party goes to Vincents coffin. They knock. Vincent   
flies out but his cape catches on a nail and rips off. He is standing  
there in the nude.)  
"OH GOD!"  
"HA HA HA HA HA!"  
(Vincent takes off his mask and is seen bright red. He pulls the coffin   
lid up and walks away fast.)  
  
Scene #44-c - Ultima Weapon.  
(Cid flies the airship into Weapon. The battle starts.)  
"What is that?" says Cloud.  
"Let's kill it!" shouts Yuffie.  
"Time to summon.... opps!" says Ultima Weapon.  
"Hey! That was my line!" says Cid.  
"Sorry, my bad." says Ultima.  
  
"Now we will have more next show. But I am afraid it is time  
to say goodbye. But we must now sing the final song....  
  
(Sung by Sephiroth, to the tune of Limp Bizkits "Take a look around(MI2)"  
  
"All the mako in the world today,   
All the magna girls filling up the world today,   
When the good comes to bad the bad comes to good,   
But I'm gonna live my life like I should.  
Now all the Shinra wanna get me  
I said forget it  
just because they can't trap me,   
But I'll stay fitted  
new era commited,   
to ridding the world of all the pesants.  
  
Now all the ancients gotta die,  
I'm gonna live iside the planet when it dies,  
You can take to the skies,   
It's gonna be a blast,   
when Meteor comes  
it will kick Holy's ass!  
  
Follow me into the northern cave  
Remember Shinra Cloud? So what you wanna do?  
And where you gonna run when you're staring at the  
summoning of a Supernova, devouring all the planets to the Sun.  
Sephiroth's rocking the planet  
Its like Enemy Skill Roulette  
when you casting it.  
So don't be upset when your days are done  
Cause I'm the chosen one.   
I'm the chosen one.  
  
I know why you wanna hate me,   
I know why you wanna hate me,   
I know why you wanna hate me,   
'cause the life-force has been playing up lately.  
I know why you wanna hate me,   
I know why you wanna hate me,   
Now I know why you wanna hate me,  
'cause deep down inside you know you all love me!   
  
(Cue massive Final Fantasy mosh. Yellow and white hair everywhere.  
Kurt Hawk comes up to the camera and shouts be heard over the noise.   
  
"Good night all!"  
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You really need to listen to Limp Bizkits "Take a look around  
song to get an idea of the vast amount of comedy,   
and how much it sucked.  
Now if anyone felt that was good, please re-assure me.  
I like the idea of a best and worst fiction for this year.  
I would like to nominate me for best humour fic. (He he he)  
I wanted to do something anyway 'cause it's boring at my house.  
I posted a Dragonball Z humour one, like Jerry Springer.  
I want, I want, I want.  
Check it out, 'cause it's better than this one.  
  



End file.

Final Fantasy VII, Humor, Parody