Final Fantasy XIII 1. The Beginning

Lightning's P.O.V

You have 6 friend requests:  
><strong>Snow Villiersthehero<strong> (Lightning, "Hmph, I'll kill him later.")

**Serah Farron**

**Sazh Katzroy**

**Oerba Yun Fang**

**Oerba Dia Vanille**

End of P.O.V

**Snow** ►**Lightning**

Hey sis! How's life?

Comments:  
>Lightning: I'm NOT YOUR SISTER!<br>Snow: You are. Serah's your sister and she's my wife.  
>Lightning: GRRR I'll kill you. Wait and see.<p>

**Snow**(status update):

Lying in the hospital now. Did you really have to do that?

Comments:  
>Serah: Oh Snow, where's my hero?<br>Snow: I'm still your hero baby! I'll protect you even with my limbs severed!  
>Lightning: Oh yeah? Wanna try?<br>Snow: NO THANKS

**Lightning**(status update)

Hope Snow can come back soon...

Comments:  
>Hope: =(<br>Lightning: What's that supposed to mean?  
>Hope: Errr...nothing...I didn't know you secretly fancied <strong>him<strong>...  
>Lightning: WHAT? I need Snow back cus I wanna bash him up to keep me entertained! !#% Expect a visit from me soon, Estheim...<br>Hope: Shit.

**Hope**(status update)

I'm in the same ward as Snow. =D

Comments:  
>Snow: Hey kiddo! How'd you end up here? You don't look like those accident-prone types! Sis couldn't have bashed you up, could she?<br>Hope: She did.  
>Snow: Ouch. What happened?<br>Lightning: Unless you'd like to lose a limb, Hope, I suggest you shut up.  
>Snow: Oh! It's on my News Feed. Am I so heroic that even Light fancies me? Wow...<br>Lightning: GET OUT OF THAT BLOODY HOSPITAL NOW AND LET ME PUNCH YOU.  
>Snow: I appreciate the offer, but no thanks, SIS.<br>Lightning: (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)!

**A/N Okay, this is my very first fanfic, constructive criticism is very mush appreciated! :)**


	2. Poor Sazh

**Second chapter! Thanks to all who reviewed!**

**Dark Light: I agree that Lightning wouldn't do that, but she simply could not believe that Hope could even think of pairing her up with Snow, which explains why she 'exploded'.**

**Kinoa: Thanks for favouriting!**

**Ashjack: haha! Wow, I didn't know that it would be THAT funny! It seemed funnier in my head, though...**

**ON TO DA STORY!**

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><p><strong>Oerba Dia Vanille<strong> ► **Lightning**

Hi!

**Oerba Dia Vanille ►Serah Farron**

Hi!

**Oerba Dia Vanille** ►**Snow Villiersthehero**

Hi!

**Oerba Dia Vanille** ►**Sazh Katzroy**

Hi!

**Oerba Dia Vanille ►Oerba Yun Fang**

HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!

**Oerba Dia Vanille ►Hope Estheim**

Hi!

**Lightning ►Oerba Dia Vanille**

STOP SPAMMING MY BLOODY WALL.

Lightning and 3 others like this.

Comments:  
>Hope: I totally agree with her!<br>Serah: Shouldn't we be polite and say hi to her too?  
>Snow: The hero agrees with the heroine!<br>Lightning: SHUT UP, Snow.  
>Sazh: Kids are kids, aren't they? Let them be, soldier.<p>

**Sazh Katzroy**(status update)

Am I the only who knows this? Hope is always the first one to comment/like Lightning's statuses. It's like he's stalking her...

Comment:  
>Snow: OH WOW I just realised! o.O<br>Lightning: Sazh, what are you implying...? (sends virtual glare)  
>Sazh: What? It's obvious! Hope likes you! He typed a sad emoticon on your previous status because he thought that you had fallen for a particular SOMEONE!<br>Lightning: HOPE! IS THAT TRUE?  
>Hope: errr...yeah...ummmm...<br>Lightning: Sazh, would you like me to send you a free ONE-WAY ticket to the hospital? I'LL EVEN DELIVER IT TO YOU MYSELF!  
>Sazh: Let's be rational Lightning! Er, no thanks!<br>Lightning: I INSIST!  
>Sazh: Please! I'll do whatever you want!<br>Lightning: Really...?  
>Sazh: YES, just let me off!<br>Lightning: If that's the case...  
>Sazh: GULP<p>

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><p><strong>What is Lightning gonna get Sazh to do? Leave your answers in your reviews! The wackiest suggestion gets to continue the story!<br>Constructive criticism is very much appreciated! Ciao! **


	3. Pitiful Sazh

**I'm back! *gets jeered at*  
>Thanks to Anonymous voter 1024 for his suggestion! (Muahahahahaha...)<br>Dark Light: Hope this will put a smile on your face! :)  
>Enjoy!<strong>

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><p><strong>Hope Estheim<strong>(status update)

YAY! OUTTA HOSPITAL! WOOTS!

Lightning and 4 others like this.

Comments:  
>Serah: Good for you! Now, try not to piss Light off in the future... :)<br>Snow: TOTALLY UNFAIR  
>Hope: :P<br>Fang: Snow is like a little boy complaining about not being able to go out and play.  
>Snow: I'm not a little boy!<br>Sazh: I agree with Serah. Got myself in trouble now...  
>Lightning: You sure did.<p>

_~Facebook chat between Lightning and Hope~_

Hope: Hey Light  
>Lightning: What<br>Hope: Can I spar with you?  
><em>~A light bulb flashes in Lightning's head~<br>_Lightning: No problem  
>Hope: REALLY? AWESOME! Meet you at the field in the deserted street! At least we won't disturb anyone there.<br>Lightning: Fine. I've something urgent to do. bb  
><em>Lightning is offline. You can send her a message.<em>

_~The Real World~_

"I'm coming I'm coming!" Sazh yelled. _'This person sure is impatient!'_ "I said I'm coming, so stop ringing the doorbell!"

He opened the door. "Hey Light! What brought you here?"

"I need you to allow me to knock you outta your senses," was the curt reply. Sazh's eyes widened with horror.

"What for? I can't allow you to hurt me without knowing why!"

The pink-haired soldier simply smirked. "So now you're chickening out, eh? What happened to your word?"

_'My word? What's she talking ab- oh. Shit.' _He turned and ran for his life. Lightning leaped after him and grabbed the collar of his shirt.

"BAM!" A fist connected with his jaw, slamming him against the wall. INSTANT K.O. Lightning rubbed her knuckles. _'That was easy.' _she thought, as she dragged Sazh out of his house_._ "Oh Maker, what the hell caused you to gain so much weight?" she grunted as she hauled Sazh into the boot of her car.

After thinking for a moment, Lightning chuckled. "Forget about what I said earlier. With all those fats, you'll make a great punching bag."

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><p><em>'Hope isn't here yet. Good.' <em>Lightning opened the boot of her car and carried Sazh out. He was sleeping soundly. Drooling, even. _'Ugh...you're a little too old to be drooling, Sazh'_ She proceeded to shove him in to an empty bullet-proof punching bag, before stuffing the bag with cotton.

Lightning smiled as she admired her 'masterpiece'. _'He really looks like a punching bag. Wonder if Hope would be able to tell...'_

"Heeeeey, Liiiiight!" Hope called out happily. _'Why was she smiling at a punching bag?'_

Lightning nodded curtly to acknowledge him. "We'll start with warm-ups and spar later. I want you to attack this punching bag with all you've got. Heck, you can even use your 'Last Resort' on this thing, I don't care. Treat it as if it were...Snow, back when you hated him."

Hope nodded and started attacking.

_~Many punches, kicks and gunshots later~_

"OH EDEN! Light! Why is the punching bag twitching on its own?"

"You must be dreaming, Estheim. How can a punching bag move? Use 'Last Resort' now. After that, we'll spar."

Hope closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Just when he was about to attack, the punching bag moved again.

"MNPH!" _'Did...did the punching bag just...say something? Argh get a grip on yourself, Hope! Punching bags don't speak!'_

"HOPE! Focus! Since you're so paranoid, I'll attack it with my 'Army of One' first!" Lightning took out her gunblade and slashed the punching bag, followed by kicking it.

"Convinced that you were dreaming?" Lightning flicked his head. Hope stared at the bag for a moment. _'It isn't moving anymore! Light is right!' _He then begun his attack.

What he didn't know was that poor Sazh inside the punching bag had passed out again due to Lightning's 'Army of One'.

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><p>Oh well, <em>ignorance is bliss...<em>


	4. Lightning is OWNED by Serah

**Sazh Katzroy**(status update)

I don't remember how I got here...

Lightning likes this.

Comments:  
>Lightning: I found you lying face down in your house. I think you were mobbed.<br>Sazh: Really?  
>Hope: SHE'S TELLING THE TRUTH I CAN BE HER WITNESS.<br>Sazh: Ohhhhkay...  
>*Lightning sends Hope a chat message: quiet!*<br>Lightning: Are you sure you can't remember anything?  
>Sazh: All I can remember is running to get the door, then WHAM I felt this excruciating pain in my jaw. As soon as I hit the floor, I knocked out.<br>Lightning: Do you have any idea who might do this to you?  
>Sazh: Heck, no! I'm a normal, rule-abiding citizen of Cocoon!<br>Hope: I CAN GUARANTEE THAT IT'S NOT LIGHT SHE WAS SPARRING WITH ME SHE COULDN'T HAVE USED 'ARMY OF ONE' ON YOU.  
>*Lightning sends Hope another chat message: SHUT THE #$%! UP!*<br>Sazh: Hope, are you hiding something?  
>*Lightning sends Hope another chat message at ultra-speed: Say no, then SHUT UP ALREADY!*<br>Hope: No, then SHUT UP ALREADY!  
>*Lightning grabbed her gunblade and stuck it out the window, pointing it in the direction of Hope's bedroom before firing three bullets. People in the neighbourhood screamed and ran for cover. The bullets shattered the window glass and drilled themselves into the wall. Of course, Lightning could not bring herself to shoot her cute ex-student...yet. Hope was so frightened that he wet his pants. And to think that he was fourteen...*<br>Sazh(who couldn't hear the gunshots because he was in the hospital): Oooh I have a headache chat with you some other time.  
>Lightning: Bye.<p>

_~Next day(Real World)~_

"Mr. Katzroy, when I snap my fingers, fall asleep, okay?"

Sazh nodded.

"3...2...1...SNAP" Sazh went into a trance-like state.

"Now, I want you to tell me everything that happened on the 2nd of November, which was yesterday," the psychiatrist said.

"I woke up at 8 a.m, as usual, then I went to the kitchen to get myself some cereal..." Sazh mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I meant what happened later in the day. Like after the doorbell rang? What happened?" the psychiatrist rephrased his question.

"I saw someone standing there, saying she needed to punch me...I ran away...she yanked my collar and hit me, then I K.O'd...when I woke up, I was in a dark and stuffy place...there cotton everywhere around me, squeezing me tight, and I was swinging back and forth while getting attacked from all directions..." Sazh rattled on and on. "...then I heard something like 'Army of One' and 'Last Resort', and I felt something hit my head, causing me to lose consciousness again...after that I found myself here, in the hospital..."

The psychiatrist took down a few more notes on his clipboard, before asking one more question, "Do you know who the attacker was?"

"Yes."

"Who was it?"

"Lightning 'Claire' Farron..."

The psychiatrist proceeded to write this name on his clipboard. _'Lightning...what a weird name that sounds so familiar...'_

* * *

><p>"Mr. Katzroy? Are you feeling okay? You did very well just now, good job," a nurse attended to him as soon as she saw him stirring. "The doctor is outside, telling your family about his findings. It seems that your mobster is a woman called 'Lightning'.<p>

Sazh froze. "Lightning was my captor?" Suddenly, everything came rushing back to him. The impatient person at the doorbell, the yank, the punch..._'I am so gonna get my revenge...'_

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><p><strong>Serah Farron<strong>(status update)

LIGHTNING! How could you do that to Sazh?

Comments:  
>Lightning: He gave me his word.<br>Fang: I agree with Serah with this. Sazh is an old man, ya know. You coulda killed 'im.  
>Snow: Sis, you are heartless...<br>Lightning: But it wasn't entirely my fault.  
>Serah: What?<br>Lightning: Hope was there, too. He knew about this and also beat Sazh up.  
>Hope: HEY! That was when I thought that he was a real punching bag! I didn't know that he was inside!<br>Serah: YOU PUT SAZH IN A PUNCHING BAG? AND TRICKED HOPE INTO ATTACKING HIM? Light! How could you?  
>Lightning: It's just a joke! I've been in situations worse than this during my time with Guardian Corps! Oh wait, I'M STILL WORKING THERE.<br>Serah: CLAIRE! This is not funny! I'm...I'm...disappointed in you! I always thought that that cold exterior was just an act to protect me, but it isn't. You're just plain...mean!  
>Lightning: What? I gave up my would-have-been perfect childhood for you! You shouldn't have used that as an example!<br>Serah: Then you shouldn't have injured Sazh so seriously! You shouldn't have tricked Hope!  
>Snow: Babe, calm down. errr...why don't you use facebook chat? It's more private and it won't spam our notifications.<br>*Lightning yells,"Why don't we just talk face-to-face since we're living together, instead of wasting time typing a bloody message?"*

_~The Farrons quarreled like they never had before, with Snow intervening at times and getting yelled at to get lost by both Farrons. In the end, Serah won (she has priority)~_

* * *

><p><strong>Lightning<strong>

To all: Sorry for everything.  
>To Sazh: For landing you in the hospital.<br>To Snow: For landing you in the hospital (I don't regret it, though. Life at home has been good without you).  
>To Hope: For landing you in the hostital and deceiving you (I'm really sorry about that...)<br>To Serah: Uhhh...I apologised yesterday.  
>This is so embarrassing...<p>

Snow Villiersthehero and 5 others like this.

Snow: Apology accepted, Sis! Oh and, I can't believe you were OWNED by Serah. AWESOME.  
>Lightning: ^Shuttup.<br>Sazh: Yeah yeah fine...  
>Hope: Can I trust you?<br>Lightning: 'Course. EMO BOY. :P  
>Hope: Hey!<br>Fang: HA! EMO BOY! Where's ma' apology? Lightning is owned, lightning is owned...or should i say PWNED?  
>Lightning: What the %$#*...I don't owe you one.<br>Fang: Oh. Yeah...  
>Vanille: Great job, Lightning! You realised you were wrong! We gotta celebrate this! PARTAY PARTAY PARTAY AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT!<br>Fang: Vanille! I didn't say you could!  
>Vanilled: Oh. Faaaaaang, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease let me have a party at home tonight!<br>Fang: NO. Unless I'm invited.  
>Vanille: You're invited!<br>Fang: Heck yea! PARTAY AT MY PLACE TONIGHT! WOOTS!  
>Lightning: Oh Maker, you two are friggin' weirdos...<p>

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><p><strong>So, how was it? Constructive criticism is much appreciated!<br>Oh, and I'm going overseas for a week (starting tomorrow), so no updates till then! *gets stoned, tomatoed and Army of One'd*  
>Thanks to those who reviewed, placed this story under your favourites andor alerts! CIAO! **


	5. Wildest Party Ever

**Sorry for the long wait! Been focusing too much on another story... *begs for forgiveness***

**Here it is!**

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><p><strong>Lightning<strong>(status update)

meeeee lov tgvis paety1111111!11!

Snow Villiersthehero and 6 others like this.

Comments:  
>Snow: YESHHHHHH<br>Hope: i luv yu lotsssssssssssssssssssss  
>Lightning: YESHMETOOOOO<p>

_~The next day~_

**Oerba Dia Vanille **uploaded 2589642 new photos to the album **PARTAY YO!**

**(image)**

**^Lightning makes out with Hope.**

**(image)**

****^Snow makes out with Serah and accidentally grabs Lightning's butt.****

****(image)****

******^Hope French-ing Lightning (HAWT!) (A/N I've decided to make Hope older from now on. Like, 18? Makes it more realistic.)******

Comments:  
>Fang: Check out the whole album to see the stuff WAY worse than what is shown on your walls.<br>Snow: You and Vanille look pretty wild, kissing each other like mad.  
>Vanille: What? NO! All of us were drunk, and we didn't know what we were doing!<br>Snow: Yeah right. Anyway, Serah you're a damn good kisser!  
>Serah: Er...hehe...yeah...<br>Lightning: Vomits.  
>Snow: ^Because of who? You? Yeah, I understand why, with you and Hope topless and all... :P<br>Lightning: SCREW THIS! Ugh...I'm too embarrassed to go out and kill you...  
>Hope: Yeah, same here...but, I have to admit, it was nice...<br>Lightning: BLUSHING LIKE HELL NOW.  
>Fang: Oh? If you're blushing, that means what he says is true. You <em>also <em>felt that it was nice, didn'cha?  
>Lightning: Shaddap.<br>Hope: Shaddap.  
>Fang: You see? You guys even said the same thing at the same time!<br>Hope: Fang! SHUT UP!  
>Serah: Oh and, did anyone realise that Lightning's previous comment on her status update said that she liked Hope too? o.O<br>Lightning: Serah! How could you! I was drunk!  
>Serah: People reveal their deepest secrets when drunk, you know. that's a fact.<br>Hope: shit...

Facebook chat between Hope and Lightning.

Hope: erm...Light? I have something to tell you.  
>Lightning: Shoot.<br>Hope: I know I was drunk and all, but I meant every word when I said: I love you. I hope you won't kill me...  
>Lightning: ...<br>Hope: Sorry, I just...can't stop thinking about you... I really like you, I don't mind if you don't...  
>Lightning: Who said so?<br>Hope: What?  
>Lightning: I meant what I said the other night. Really.<br>Hope: You mean the :YESHMETOOOOO?  
>Lightning: Yeah...you're cute...<br>Hope: I never thought you'd say that!  
>Lightning: Me neither... :)<br>Hope: So, you wanna...go somewhere tonight?  
>Lightning: Ooookaaay...<p>

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><p><strong>Yup, Lightning is OOC here. But this is what happens when people feel nervous, yea? Especially Lightning, as she's never had time for romance when she was younger. So, tell me where they should go, and what should happen. Will the so-called date be a complete failure? Or will it end...nicely...? Tell me in your reviews!<strong>


End file.

Final Fantasy XIII, Humor, Parody