Legend of Zelda 1. You know you want to read this

More Yaoi taunting. (Sorry, Ria-me-love)

It isn't that I am not a fan of homosexual love. Love is beautiful. However, I can't resist taunting yaoi fangirls. It's just too good to resist. Honestly, how many men have you people had Link snog? The poor guy. If you are uncomfortable with such things as this, don't bother to read.

* * *

.

Two figures stood on a grassy hill, swords unsheathed, shoulders arched in preparation for a long battle. Their hair blew out in the wind, one blond, one black, as two swords swung in the air and caught the glare of the morning sun on their polished blades.

Dark struck Link's backside as they lunged at one another, grinning at the other's sharp squeal of pain. He pivoted and held his sword at the ready as Link pattered towards his counterpart, brow furrowed in frustration.

"That's for never returning my calls!" Dark Link cried as he kicked the Hero of time in the chest, red eyes flashing. "And that was for messing around with Fierce Diety behind my back!"

"What about you?" Link screeched in reply, slashing Dark on the side of his arm and slapping his shoulders with the flat of the Master Sword. "I know what you were doing with Shiek outside the fire temple!"

The shadow grimaced, kicking Link's feet out from under him. "So says the guy who snogged his own shadow more times than is deemed healthy."

"You kissed me first!" Link squeaked, ducking from Dark's scissoring slash and rolling to the side. "And you were violent! What else was I supposed to do, stick with you and get permanent back problems for the rest of my life?"

Dark grinned and pulled Link's hair back, running his sword just below the hero's neck. "You know you liked it," he breathed.

There was a pregnant pause, and then the two men threw themselves at each other in a frenzy of—

END TRANSMISSION. THIS IS A WARNING FROM THE RATING COMMITTEE. THE REST OF THIS STORY HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO ITS FANTASTIC DISCRIPTION OF THE BEST SEX SCENE EVER, WHICH IS UNFORTUNATELY TOO MATURE AND BREATH TAKING-LY HOT FOR THE RATING OF THIS STORY. SORRY, FANGIRLS.


	2. After the best scene ever

Oh my, oh my! Is this a second chapter? I believe so. How curious. Anyhow, here we are. If you are uncomfortable with homosexuality or hints of that manner, please do not read any farther... Also, I'm making fun of pairings in general, really. Poor Link...always hooks up with the bad guy...

And a side note: RutoxLink is a thing of evil. Evil I say!

Thank you.

* * *

. 

Location: Link's house

Time: Ten minutes after the BEST SEX SCENE EVER

Snack Foods: Lon Lon Milk, Cheese Doodles.

Night had passed, and birds twittered out of the window where the Hero of Time and his Shadow lay on the small wooden bed, red and blue eyes flashing in the dim light behind closed drapes. Link leaned into Dark's chest, closing his eyes contentedly, just as a sharp pain resounded on the top of his skull.

"I don't snuggle," Dark growled, pushing Link off. "Goddesses, I wish I had a cigarette."

"What's a cigarette?"

"I dunno, but I sure want one."

They sat there for a moment, contemplating the hot and steamy night of passion they'd managed to pull off, awed by the sheer superb-ness of their BEST SEX SCENE EVER. Link was about to drift off to sleep when the phone rang, which was surprising to say the least as telephones weren't supposed to be invented yet, even though the author has been alluding to their existence for some time now.

"How the hell did that get there?" Dark muttered as it rang, disturbing their well earned quiet. "You pick it up."

Link, however, was resting quietly. He could sleep through a hurricane if he had to. Dark nearly screamed in frustration and picked up the phone, holding it to his left ear.

"I'm going to rearrange all your organs in your sleep with a spoon.' he whispered to the person on the other end, fists clenched. A slight gasp echoed on the other end.

"D-dark?" murmured Malon from Lon Lon Ranch, voice sounding slightly frightened and infatuated at the same time. The shadow rolled his eyes.

"Uh…" Malon hesitated, then giggled slightly. "Hey, Dark. Hey. Uh…I didn't know you were here."

"Well I am." Dark replied, mystified at how many times Malon could giggle in one breath.

"Yeah," the farmgirl tittered. "And…uh….I was thinking, you know, you never returned my calls before, I thought you'd…em…"

"Wait a sec." Dark sat up, looking around at the treehouse furnishings surrounding him. "If you love me so much, why are you calling Link?"

There was a weighted silence.

"Uh….well…." A spark of comprehension broke across her voice. "If you like me so much, then why are _you_ at Link's?"

"We just had sex." Dark said matter of factly, and grinned maliciously as Malon screeched over the phone, followed by a satisfying thud as she fainted. "Idiotic…" he murmured, putting down the phone. He nearly jumped as another scream resounded from below, and he ran to the window.

Ruto crouched at the base of the tree, sobbing hysterically into the arms of Zelda and Saria, blue shoulders shaking spasmodically. "NOOO!" she wailed. "NOT MY HONEYBUN!"

Dark turned as Link woke with a sudden start, shivering from top to toe. He looked at his shadow with fear stricken eyes.

"I heard the voice of evil," he whispered, holding his arms with both hands. Dark grinned.

"Yeah, so did I," he said, slipping back in bed. "But that is all over now," he whispered, kissing Link at the base of the neck. "Care to try all that again?"

"Well……"

"Come on," Dark breathed, "You know I'd wear you down eventually."

Five minutes later, a severe and very assured Princess Ruto climbed up the rope ladder into the Hero of Time's bedroom. The scream could be heard for miles.

Sources are varied, but it is said that Ruto is now currently living in a pond in the lost woods, under a rock.


End file.

Legend of Zelda, Humor, Parody