Harry Potter 1. Default Chapter

Raising Hell at Hogwarts A Hellblazer/Harry Potter crossover  
  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Helblazer is owned by Time/Warner/AOL/DC/Vertigo (that is a mouthful, innit?). Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.  
  
Chapter 1: Teaching Dudley a Lesson  
  
It was nearing the end of the summer holidays and Harry was (as usual) looking forward to finally getting away from the Dursleys again and getting back to school, to begin his sixth year at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. But on this night, he had to do some teaching. The person on the receiving end of tonight's lesson was his cousin, Dudley.  
  
Dudley, a pig by even the kindest description*, had decided to now graduate to being a racist pig. Harry had overheard Dudley and his gang, the previous night, planning to vandalize the house of the elderly, Jewish couple that had moved into Little Whinging at the beginning of the summer. Harry was not only planning to make sure they didn't succeed, but also that they never thought of trying to do such a thing ever again.  
  
And so, on a warm summer's night, Harry kept to the bushes, clutching the bag of dung-bombs Fred and George sent him for his birthday, waiting for Dudley and his cronies to arrive. When they did show up, Harry decided that he would wait until the last possible moment before they began spray- painting then hurl the dung-bombs into their faces.  
  
And here they came. Dudley in the lead, spray-paint can at the ready. However, before they had even made it halfway to the Epstein's doorstep, a man stepped out of the shadows in front of them. Or did he? Harry immediately realized something was wrong, because there weren't really any shadows there any more. It seemed as if the shadows had come into existence just long enough for the man to step out of them and then, they were gone. He obviously hadn't apparated, because there wasn't the usual loud crack that one heard when a wizard apparated.  
  
Dudley and his friends stopped and stared at the stranger. He was slightly taller than average, blonde, wore a tan trenchcoat, and was smoking a cigarette.  
  
"Hullo lads," the stranger said in a lazy, Liverpool accent, "out for a bit of brainlessness, are we?" He took a long drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke into Dudley's face. In the split second that Dudley had closed his eyes against the smoke, the stranger had snatched the spray can out of his hand and sprayed the black paint into Dudley's face.  
  
The stranger laughed softly as Dudley ran back to the Dursley's with his friends. When they had gone around the corner, he turned to the bushes Harry was hiding behind. "You want to come out now kid?"  
  
Harry stood up. As soon as he made eye contact with the stranger, the scar on his forehead began to prickle in a way he'd never experienced before. His hand shot up to his scar and he dropped the dung-bombs. One landed right at the stranger's feet and exploded.  
  
"Oh bugger! Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean this coat?" The stranger grabbed Harry by the earlobe and dragged him down the street. "Bloody Dumbledore and his bloody favors!" the stranger muttered.  
  
When they had reached the corner, he released Harry's ear. "Right! Get your ass home right now and don't put so much as another toe out of line or else!" The stranger turned on his heel and stalked away.  
  
As he disappeared into the night, Harry heard him say, "Bloody hell, I'm already sounding like a fucking teacher!"  
  
*In fact, six years ago, Hagrid had attempted to turn Dudley into a pig, but had only succeeded in giving him a pig's curly tail. 


	2. The Headmaster's Office

Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter's arse and John Constantine has Vertigo (or is it the other way round?).  
  
RAISING HELL AT HOGWARTS  
  
A Hellblazer/Harry Potter Crossover  
  
Chapter 2: The Headmaster's Office  
  
It was late, I was tired, and I had shit stains down the front of my coat. Needless to say, I was not in the mood for this, but I owe this old geezer my life more times over than I'd care to count so, there I was at Hogwarts School of bloody Witchcraft and Wizardry. I was sitting in the office of the headmaster, which was bringing back lots of memories of my days in school. Of course, I didn't go to this school. No, I went to a regular pisser of a school in London. Got sent to the headmaster's office plenty of times, that is until the dumb shit made the mistake of trying to give me the strap one day. I'm told he still screams every time he hears the name John. Warms me heart, it does.  
  
So anyway, this headmaster is different. His name is Albus Dumbledore. From looking at him, you'd think he was just some nice old geezer who just had a few quirky ideas about fashion, and you'd be right. I still say he looks gayer than Liberace, George Michael, and Boy George put together (now there's a mental picture not for the faint of heart!). He's much more than that though. He's a very powerful wizard as well. Possibly one of the most powerful. Nice enough bloke, once you get past the clothes. Plays snooker like a demon and I'd know, I've played a few (even won a couple of times).  
  
He wants me to teach here at the school. Just for one year, he says. Can you imagine it? Me, John Constantine, con-job himself, a teacher. A professor, no less! Mum would be so proud.  
  
He wants me to teach Defense Against the Dark arts. I've heard the stories: the teacher of this subject usually ends up dead or insane before the year is over. Well, I've been both and come back more or less in one piece so I suppose that I have a better chance of survival than any of the other candidates.  
  
But here's the real kicker. The main reason yours truly is being dragged to the butt-fuck end of England to teach a bunch of snot-rags how to stay alive. A kid named Harry Potter. That's right, the famous boy who lived.  
  
Don't get me wrong, surviving a direct attack from old snake face is nothing to laugh at. The bastard is just as dangerous as the First of the Fallen himself. Not as powerful, but he's got loads more imagination. And this kid's done it five times already.  
  
Thing is, there's a bloody prophecy to be fulfilled. Either the kid snuffs it or Voldemort does (what? You think I'm afraid to say his name? Don't make me piss myself laughing!). And the last time they tangoed, the little shit almost curled up his toes. Put it simple, our Harry doesn't have the nadgers to kill. He needs someone to teach him how to be a total prick while still being on the side of the angels (hey, I never said I was on the side of the angels, I just have to teach him how to do it!).  
  
Well, I told old Albus that I'd check the kid out first. And that's why there's shit on my coat. Dumbledore's getting my dry-cleaning bill.  
  
I don't want this job. But I owe Dumbledore, I owe him big.  
  
On the bright side, the pay is good, I have a roof over my head and good food whenever I want it. And it's been ages since I had my leg over with Rosmerta down in Hogsmeade. 


	3. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter's arse and John Constantine has Vertigo (or is it the other way round?).  
  
RaIsInG hElL aT hOgWaRtS  
  
A Hellblazer/Harry Potter Crossover  
  
Chapter 3: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry  
  
"At this time," called Albus Dumbledore, "I would like to introduce you all to the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: Professor Constantine."  
  
A door close to wher Hagrid was seated opened and in strode the stranger Harry had encountered a few nights earlier.  
  
"That's him!" He hissed to Ron and Hermione, "that's the guy I was telling you about."  
  
Hermione looked with interest. Ron nearly choked on his food when he caught sight of their new teacher. To Harry and Hermione's surprise, nearly everyone in the room had a similar reaction.  
  
"Oh no," Ron moaned.  
  
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "You know him Ron?"  
  
Ron gulped. "Never met him, no. But everyone in the wizarding world knows who John Constantine is."  
  
Their new teacher was extricating himself from a big bear-hug from Hagrid and was shaking hands with little Professor Flitwick, who also seemed quite pleased to see him. However, Professor Snape seemed furious and Professor McGonagle seemed to be in shock.  
  
"I've never heard of him," Hermione remarked.  
  
"No," Ron commented, "he's not mentioned in any books, even the Quibler avoids writing about him. Dad says he's one of the ministry's worst nightmares."  
  
"Is he dangerous?"  
  
"Yeah, not the way you'd think though. He isn't an actual wizard, but he isn't a muggle either. He's done stuff even some wizards are afraid to do. And he's really bad luck to be around."  
  
"Bad luck?"  
  
Ron swallowed hard. "People have a habit of dying around him."  
  
At that moment, as Constantine had just finished shaking hands with the headmaster and was looking around the great hall, when he made eye contact with Harry.  
  
The pain in his scar was incredible.  
  
And was gone.  
  
Constantine had looked away and was in deep conversation with Professor Dumbledore. The headmaster occasionally glanced in Harry's direction.  
  
Ron was still talking. "He'd somehow stopped a bunch of demons from taking over the government, the wizard Zatara snuffed it when they worked together. They say he even killed the king of the vampires!"  
  
The Fat Friar and Nearly Headless Nick had also gone over to greet the new professor, but the Bloody Baron kept his distance.  
  
Hermione seemed very impressed. "Well, Cornelius Fudge can't be to happy then. We're actually going to have a real teacher this year."  
  
Harry and Ron agreed. The ministry appointed teacher they had last year had been so useless that Harry and his friends had taken it upon themselves to teach themselves defense.  
  
When the feast had ended, Professor McGonagle approached Harry. "Potter, the headmaster would like to see you in his office." She quickly led him away from his friends.  
  
What could this be about? Harry wondered to himself as they reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office.  
  
"Jelly babies."  
  
Of course, thought Harry, Dumbledore's sweet tooth always seemed to have something to do with the passwords.  
  
When they entered the headmaster's office, they saw not only Professor Dumbledore, but Professor Constantine as well.  
  
Again, Harry's scar seemed to explode. He slowly sank to his knees as three pairs of hands caught him. He could hear voices calling his name and then he lost consciousness. 


	4. Discussion

JK Rowling owns Harry Potter (but puh-leez, the werewolf in the movie REALLY SUCKED)  
  
Time/AOL/Warner/DC/Vertigo owns Hellblazer (but puh-leez, Keaneau Reeves as JC REALLY SUCKS)  
  
RaIsInG hElL aT hOgWaRtS  
  
Chapter 4: Discussion  
  
"Such a reaction can only mean that Constantine and the Dark Lord are in some way connected, Headmaster."  
  
"I quite agree, Serverus. However, I am also certain that John has had no dealings whatsoever with Voldemort."  
  
"Cheers."  
  
"Then what explanation do you have, Professor Constantine?"  
  
"The only possible thing is if he had anything with that bastard, Nergal."  
  
"In what way would Voldemort's connection to a demon have an affect on Harry?"  
  
"Blood?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yes, that would do it."  
  
"Would you care to explain, Serverus?"  
  
"During my time as a Death Eater, I had heard stories that the Dark Lord, in one of his bids for immortality, ingested a potion that had demon's blood as one of its ingredients."  
  
"And a few years back, Nergal put some of his blood in me."  
  
"I see."  
  
"Disgusting!"  
  
"It wasn't like I had a choice mate. I was in a bloody full body cast at the time. I wouldn'tve been able to stop a sprog from flicking boogers at me."  
  
"Please, John, Serverus, this is not the time. So am I to understand that you suspect that Voldemort has the demon, Nergal's blood in his veins as well?"  
  
"Yes Headmaster."  
  
"Then what would be the best course of action Serverus?"  
  
"Potter will have to be given some of Constantine's blood."  
  
"Hang on!"  
  
"The only other option would be for you to leave Hogwarts immediately."  
  
"That is not an option Serverus."  
  
"Then a transfusion it is."  
  
"You pile of pig shite! You know damn well what this will do to the kid."  
  
"Would you care to tell me what side effects we are to expect?"  
  
"Of course Headmaster. The demon's blood will cause a certain amount of discomfort-"  
  
"You mean it'll fucking hurt like a hundred boots to the nadgers!"  
  
"And considering that Nergal feeds and thrives on perversion, Potter may have some, ahem, difficulties."  
  
"Oh, bugger me. He'll probably pass out from lack of blood to his brain."  
  
"You do have a natural gift for vulgarity."  
  
"Piss off."  
  
"On the other hand, it may also give him an advantage over the Dark Lord in legilimancy."  
  
"Indeed?"  
  
"This is crazy."  
  
"John, I cannot force you to do this, but I would appreciate it if you would give Harry some of your blood. I respect Serverus' professional opinion in these matters." 


	5. Pleasant Dreams

I don't own either of them so kindly refrain from casting any spells on my sorry ass.  
  
Harry Potter/Hellblazer  
  
RaIsInG hElL aT hOgWaRtS  
  
Chapter 5: PlEaSaNt DrEaMs  
  
Pain.  
  
No.  
  
Pain.  
  
Please.  
  
Pain.  
  
Stop.  
  
Alone.  
  
No.  
  
Unwanted.  
  
No.  
  
Abandoned.  
  
No.  
  
Scorned.  
  
Stop.  
  
Sirius.  
  
Dead.  
  
Cedric.  
  
Dead.  
  
Dad.  
  
Dead.  
  
Mum.  
  
No.  
  
Dead.  
  
STOP!  
  
FrEaK.  
  
RuNt.  
  
LiAr.  
  
CrImInAl.  
  
MuRdErEr.  
  
NO!  
  
Hermione.  
  
Yes.  
  
Hermione.  
  
Friend.  
  
Hermione.  
  
Yes.  
  
hermione.  
  
?  
  
HeRmIoNe.  
  
No.  
  
hErMiOnE.  
  
No!  
  
GiNnY.  
  
No!  
  
LuNa.  
  
No!  
  
BoDiEs.  
  
ToUcH.  
  
FeEl.  
  
TaStE.  
  
TaKe.  
  
RaPe.  
  
Yes.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry sat, bolt upright, in a cold sweat.  
  
"Well," said a voice so close to his ear, that he nearly fell out of bed, "about time you woke up. Wash up, get dressed. You n' me are going for a walk. And old Pomfrey won't let me smoke a fag in here." 


	6. Conversation Over a Cigarette

Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter's arse and John Constantine has Vertigo (or is it the other way round?).  
  
RaIsInG hElL aT hOgWaRtS  
  
A Hellblazer/Harry Potter Crossover  
  
Chapter 6:  
  
Harry and Professor Constantine walked the Hogwarts grounds in silence. When they reached a spot a few yards from the whomping willow, Constantine stopped to light a cigarette. After a few long drags, he looked at Harry and smiled.  
  
"Whadaya know? Snape isn't such a pillock after all!"  
  
Harry stared at Constantine. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Snape was the one that figured out how to stop you from keeling over every time we looked at each other."  
  
"How?"  
  
Constantine stared at his cigarette for a moment. "I had to give you some of my blood Harry."  
  
Harry suddenly had an urge to run away. "What's so special about your blood?"  
  
John raised an eyebrow and grinned. "On its own, nothing. Common as crap. But a few years back, a total wanker of a demon gave me some of his. We think that old snake-face has some of the same blood as well."  
  
"Snake...?" It took a moment for Harry to catch on. "Oh, Voldemort!"  
  
"Yeah." Constantine took a last drag of his cigarette and crushed it under his heel. "Now pay attention kid, 'coz if you don't, the shit's really gonna hit the fan. There's going to be side effects. The nightmares, you've already experienced. But it gets worse. Your going to have urges, you've got to control them."  
  
"Urges?"  
  
"Do I have to spell it out to you? Fine, you'll want to shag just about anything in a skirt."  
  
Harry started to laugh. "I'm going to be a total perv because of your blood?"  
  
John wasn't laughing. He wasn't even smiling anymore. "No, you ungrateful little shite, because of the demon's blood. Its name is Nergal. It feeds on perversion and chaos. This gets worse, by the way."  
  
"There's more?"  
  
"Yeah." John lit another cigarette. "This is where things are going to get really weird. You know how sometimes you make things happen because you're pissed off or scared?"  
  
Harry nodded. "There was one time when I blew my aunt up because she was putting down my mum and dad."  
  
John grinned. "Well, now, if that happened, she'd be splattered over the landscape instead of bouncing around your back garden. If you cast a spell when you angry or scared or suchlike, it'll increase the magnitude of the spell. Like when you tried to use the cruciatus on that cow Lestrange last year-"  
  
"You know about that?" Harry interrupted.  
  
John shot him an annoyed look. "Yeah."  
  
"She deserved worse."  
  
"No arguments there kid. Sirius was a good mate." Constantine held up a hand to prevent Harry from interrupting again. "But that isn't the point. If you tried that on her now, the way you feel, you wouldn't just hurt her. You'd shred her nervous system and maybe even a few poor sods who were dumb enough to be standing next to her."  
  
"Are you that powerful?"  
  
"I'm not really a wizard, don't even own a wand. But I know enough about magic to keep pricks like Lucius Malfoy good and scared. Now, like I said, you're going to have to learn to control all this. So I'm going to be giving you some extra training outside of class."  
  
"When?"  
  
"Soon. I have to hash out a few more bits with Dumbledore first."  
  
The bell rang in the school.  
  
John looked at his watch. "That'll be dinner, c'mon."  
  
As Harry sat down next to Ron and Hermione, something Professor Constantine said hit him like a brick wall:  
  
"Sirius was a good mate." 


	7. CLASS

Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter's arse and John Constantine has Vertigo (or is it the other way round?).

Sorry about the extended delay folks. Hopefully I'll be able to update more often now.

RaIsInG hElL aT hOgWaRtS

A Hellblazer/Harry Potter Crossover

Chapter 7:

CLASS

It was time for the 6th year's first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson with Professor Constantine. Many students were showing more than the usual reluctance to attend. John's reputation had definitely had an effect.

Harry and Hermione dragged Ron into the classroom.

"Come on you big baby!" Hermione sighed. "He can't be as bad as all that."

"No," Ron wailed, "he isn't. He's even worse!"

"Can't blame a lad for telling the truth."

The unexpected voice came from so close behind them that all three nearly jumped out of their skins. Constantine laughed as the whole class stared at him in shock. He definitely wasn't there a moment ago, and he hadn't apparated.

John caught his breath. "Right, bums on seats everyone. And close your mouths, you're catching flies. Put your textbooks and wands away and start taking notes. What you're going to learn today is how to deal with ghosts and other free-roaming spirits. You've already had plenty of experience with the ghosts here but, they're all relatively friendly. There are poltergeists, wraiths, specters, entities and other types of ghosts that can be downright stroppy. Possibly even homicidal. There are also ghosts that are imprisoned because of how they died. These kinds aren't violent or nasty on purpose, but they can still affect you subconsciously. In these cases you have to confront the ghost and then either exorcise them or release them."

During all this, Constantine had been walking around the room and snatching notes, make-up applicators, and other paraphernalia from students, without ever once interrupting his own lecture. When he reached Neville's seat, Trevor, Neville's toad, leapt from Neville's pocket. John caught him and fielded him perfectly back into Neville's pocket.

John continued. "These kinds of spirits are never co-operative, which kinda makes confronting them a bit of a poser. What you need to do is summon them."

He then produced a knife from his pocket and strode over to a bare wall. He then turned to face the class. "Now bloody well pay attention, I won't demonstrate this again. It hurts like hell and the ghosts around here won't like it." John then slashed open the palm of his hand and called out, "Y nommine Asmodeus spiritus avanti!" As he said the last word, John slapped his open, bleeding palm against the wall.

Nothing happened.

John walked quickly over to his desk, sat down, smiling, and began to bandage his hand.

When he'd finished, he looked up at his students. They were all staring at him. Constantine pointed at the bloody handprint on the wall.

The wall then seemed to explode as every ghost that haunted Hogwarts came hurtling through, including Peeves the poltergeist, who was screaming obscenities. Within moments, the entire classroom was packed with ghosts.

Nearly Headless Nick, the Griffindor ghost squeezed his way over to Constantine's desk. "What is the meaning of this, sir?!" he bellowed.

John grinned at the ghost. "Oh, just a practical demonstration for the sprogs. All done now." He then stood up. "You can all bugger off now. Cheers."

The ghosts trudged sullenly out of the classroom. All except for Peeves. John shot him a dirty look.

"Peeves, you even think of throwing that water balloon at me," he said in a pleasant voice, "and I'll personally make sure that a certain rhyming demon comes looking for you."

Peeves stopped in mid-throw. "Not Etrigan?"

John flicked his knife at the balloon.

"Now, bugger off!"

Peeves flew from the room, dripping and cursing all the way.


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Supernatural