Bleach 1. The What If Machine!

"The What If Machine"

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_**A/N**_

Dude, it totally just occurred to me that I've been forgetting to do a disclaimer.

_**DISCLAIMERRRRRRRR. **_I don't own Bleach... or Futurama for that matter.

KAYS. Explanation is in order. Basically, I keep thinking of random drabble-worthy... things, that have nowhere to go ;-; And then it popped into my head (About 5 minutes ago). THE WHAT IF MACHINE! There's an episode of Futurama where The What If Machine is invented, and I was like... AMAGAD, PERFECT! I'll explain it more when I'm done. (done with this chapter, not with the story, or Bleach, OR LIFE. We cool.)

* * *

"HEY KIDDIES! YOUR FAVOURITE MENTOR HAS RETURNED FROM HIS LABORATORY WITH A NEW INVENTION!"

"Kiddies?"

"_Mentor?_"

"Now, now! Settle down, please!" The blonde (and slightly insane) man surveyed the group...er, couple? He inwardly laughed at the idea of the two men before him being a couple, then mentally added it to his 'what to ask' list. He had, to his great disappointment, only managed to gather these two people for the grand unveiling of his latest masterpiece. "Kurosaki, care to try it out?" Ichigo was one of the unfortunates, unable to shut his window before the pie announcing his 'immediately required presence lest his future be abruptly cut short by a certain crimson princess' whistled through the sky and splattered all over his room.

"I would, if I knew what the fuck it was."

"Your lack of intelligence and horribly crude language wounds me." Ichigo's patent scowl brought a mocking mimic to the elder man's face. "Well, I'll explain it in terms you can understand. This," He said, pointing to what appeared to be a green and white, sparkly, buttonless television, "is the 'What If Machine'!" (insert dramatic pause here)

"How very anticlimactic," muttered Ishida, the second of Urahara's victims, having been hit in the face with his pie on the way back from (yet another) midnight stroll to Sunflower Seams, wondering if it was his intention to hit him in the face as he was able to read the message in the mirror. "So what does this have to do with us?" Disregarding Ishida's interjection altogether he continued,

"Just pose it a question and watch the magical wonders unfold before your very eyes!"

"Is it a touch screen?" Ichigo asked, as thoroughly unimpressed as Ishida.

"Yes! One of my more ingenious touches!" As Ishida cringed at what one could only loosely call a pun, Ichigo poked the word 'history' on the screen.

"Holy shit... you really are a pervert..." Ishida joined Ichigo by gawking at the images that appeared before their eyes.

"Unohana-taichō? Really?" Ishida tried to hide his sudden uncharacteristic gigglefit by shoving his glasses into the bridge of his nose while Kisuke mumbled something incoherent about Shunsui and his Dai-Senpai.

"Hey Ishida, look at this one! 'What would have happened if I had taken it slower with Ryūken ...?'"

"WHAT?!"

"Kidding... it says, 'What would happen if Ryūken took the stick out of his ass?'"

"Oh." Ishida applied his 'bored now' face and turned away from the screen. "So can we go sleep now, please?" Ichigo agreed with a longing look to Urahara. Ishida misinterpreted this and mentally added it to his 'what to ask' list.

"But the fun's just beginning!"

"Tough shit, need sleep." Ichigo stated bluntly with sleep-deprived eloquence, interrupting Ishida's now dirty, and highly illegal, thoughts, and turned to leave.

"You may want to see this..." Urahara said in a deliberately cryptic and badly-veiled attempt to impress the men, using the question to which he got the most interesting reply, as he turned to the machine and asked, "What would happen if Aizen used the hōgyoku on Ichigo?" Ichigo returned to his position in front of the screen and nodded his consent to Ishida who joined him. Ishida wondered vaguely if this kind of speculation was healthy for him but then decided he didn't care because Ichigo could take care of himself.

* * *

_**A/N**_

Hope that cleared things up. So yeah, this is almost definitely gonna be a drabble-fic:

P.S. This chapter hatez me. Seriously, it's all like 'I IZ IN J00R HED, KILLIN' J00R BRANE' (I figure since the chapter's written on the computer, it speaks in 1337. -- (How ironic that it can't spell when it IS the spell check...)

P.P.S. MY EXAMS WENT AWESOME. I GOT CONCENTRATED BOILING ACID SHOT AT ME. HCl is my greatest foe. I (unintentionally) snorted it once as a gas. HI, WORLDS OF PAIN.

BYEZ. X x Robocracy!


	2. if Aizen used the hōgyoku on Ichigo

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_**A/N**_

Disclaimer: DONOTOWN. Kubo does: & Fox probably own Futurama...

Title: Let's Finish This.

Rating: T

Characters/Pairings: Aizen, Gin, Grimmjow, Rukia, Ichigo, Orihime, Ulquiorra. Mild IchiHime

Genre: Angst / (Originally unintended) Crack / It's kinda...sadistic...

(Lawl, my mum just went to the off-license and I went 'BUY ME SWEETS!') Edit: She didn't ;-;

* * *

Kurosaki took his seat in his regular spot across from his teal haired colleague wondering what exactly made him tick, he'd only been around for a few weeks but ever since he'd turned up, the guy had been _hounding_ him for a fight, not that he minded, considering every time he asked, he consented and beat him into the ground. Ass-hole needed to learn his place. He scanned the table, wondering how such a cornucopia of freaks was expected to act as a team but figured there was no point in fixin' what ain't broke, even if it makes no sense. He scratched absently at the side of his face thinking how inconveniently placed his mask was, there was only a fragment over his left eye but the edges irritated the hell out of his nose and he was tempted to just pull it off. He'd never willingly threaten his own power but a guy can dream.

As Aizen entered the room, he surveyed his subjects with some pride... but mainly disdain. He generally disliked everyone around him aside from a few select people whom he admired for their courage, ruthlessness or a mixture of the two. His eyes fell on Kurosaki, his latest project, more than happy with the outcome, even if it had resulted in the unfortunate loss of his most easily manipulated servant. He sat at the head of the table, calmly drinking his tea and listening to the reports of the various members, dismissing them when they had been given their orders, nothing too special, just some general scaremongering, misdirection, division and conquering, the regular guerilla tactics. After the departure of the Sexta, he turned to his Cuarta,

"I want you to lead an attack on the real world. I would like you to remove a group of shinigami and human fighters who often stand as obstacles in the path towards my goals. See this as a practise mission. You may take any of your subordinates." Kurosaki replied with a swift, almost mechanical,

"Hai, Aizen-sama," and with a nod he turned and left the room.

"Yer kinda cruel, ya know tha'?" Aizen looked to his only friend and smiled.

"This should be interesting."

* * *

"Hey, Grimmjow! _Hey!_ HEY!" Finally getting the attention of the man who was quite clearly ignoring him, considering he was about ten feet away and couldn't possibly have not heard him.

"Waddya want, huh?"

"I want you to come with me, dumbass. I need a capable fighter and you seem bored as hell."

"Wanna see how capable I really am?"

"Fuck, Grimmjow, no. I cut off your leg last time, still can't get that blood out of my hakama... look, just forget about it, I'll find someone else."

"Nah, it's cool. Yer right, I'm bored out of my face."

"What does that even mean?"

"Who cares, lets go fuck some shit up." Feeling himself understood, he ripped open a hole in reality and said, "After you, _shinigami_." Assuming this was just some sort of hollow-insult, Kurosaki stepped into the sleepy town of Karakura, and let the wind whip angrily at his hair. His clothes fluttered behind him as he hadn't bothered closing his shirt for as long as he could remember. Which wasn't really that long when he thought about it. He gained his bearings and looked to his companion when a sudden burst of reiatsu appeared below them, their quarry having come to them without them even lifting a finger. "Convenient."

Kurosaki looked down and was met by the sight of twelve stunned faces, just before he Cero'd the lot of 'em. He doesn't like people staring at him. Back in Las Noches, the air was rich, the halls were clean and everyone averted each other's gaze. That's how he liked it. No, he didn't like being stared at. Especially by the little black haired girl with her ridiculous white sword. They were like opposites, he and her, black shihakushō and white shihakushō, white sword and black sword, black hair and white hair, shinigami and hollow. Having thoroughly pissed off the Cuarta Espada, mainly just by her very existence, she had already signed her own death certificate, yet she couldn't stop staring. The man they'd been searching for in the Rukongai for weeks had suddenly appeared before them in sparkling white, with a large hole running right through where his heart should be and a Gothic four tattooed around his navel. She watched intently as he raised his fingers once more and sonido'd to her side. Pointing two fingers to her temple he said,

"What the fuck are you looking at, _shinigami_?"

"I-Ichi-"

"ICHIGO, NO!" Some crazy ass ginger girl was shouting at him and had summoned some equally crazy ass pixies but no-one got between Kurosaki and his prey. No sooner had he shot the cero and smelt the familiar, comforting but characteristic smell of burning flesh than he felt a warm glow surround him and he felt like he was being drawn back into himself, seeing who he used to be, before he was a hollow. Sure, he'd heard other hollows talking about remembering past-lives but he thought that shit was for pussies. Don't even bother considering the mere possibility that he was jealous. For the first time, he saw himself with bright orange hair, joking, laughing. The people around him used to be his friends. He _loved_ these people. He loved the girl that was making him remember this.

"I..In-ou-e-san?"

"Kurosaki-kun?"

"I ...I think... I think I remember..." Ceasefire. Everyone stared at the Nueva Cuarta Espada. Even Grimmjow was mildly interested. Orihime lowered her healing shield and asked,

"Do you... Do you really remember?" He sonido'd to her side and placed one hand on her waist, feeling her heart flutter and caressed her cheek lovingly with his other hand.

"Yes, Inoue. I remember." He rubbed a tear away from her cheek and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. With two fingers lingering at her temples he fired. "Let's finish this."

* * *

This chapter was short. And comma heavy. Sorry it didn't come out yesterday... this chapter hated me worse than the last one. Which hated me A LOT. Would've come out earlier but I was celebrating the fact I NEVER HAVE TO DO SPANISH AGAIN EVER AGAIN EVER EVER. Lol there was a TV schedule and on it at 2:00am was Blood: el último vampiro. You were supposed to tell a girl who liked horror movies to watch it xD Oh and I had to right 2) b) continued. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!

P.S. SORRY I KILLED OFF ULQUIORRA! I LOVE HIM ALORT. But I dunno... he sits beside Aizen and I figure that when Ichigo gets hōgyoku'd he's at the level he is now, and I figure that he couldn't beat him last time but he's about to fight him again and is probably gonna beat him this time so, Cuarta esta en la CASA. Lo siento pero estaba hablando en espanol para toda la dia y ahora no puedo hablar en ingles ;-; Gawd I fail at Spanish.

GOOD BYE SCATTERBRAIN.

(P.S. Someone TOTALLY stole my idea ;o)

Xx Robocracy are teh DUNz0rs.


	3. When Grimmjow ends up gay

_**A/N**_

DisclaimerRRRRRRR (Lol that came up in predictive text xD)

_Title: _Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE!

_Rating: _T for swearing, lawl obv xD

_Characters/Pairings_: Szayel Aporro, Aizen, Grimmjow, Ichigo, GrimmIchi (Cameos;) Gin, Chad, Ishida, Renji, Orihime, Urahara

_Genre: _Crack /Romance / Vague Fluff / Hints of Angst

* * *

Szayel Aporro Grantz was a genius. In fact, he was _the_ genius. He was so smart he could fool anyone, even the smartest of the shinigami, even Urahara Kisuke himself. _In fact_, he was doing that right now. He wouldn't call it spying, no, he was _researching_. There was a difference; no plagiarism involved here, no sir. As he scribbled down the last of his notes, he winked at the elder man and thoroughly ignored him wink back. Stepping through a freshly-ripped hole in reality, he immediately set to work on _his_ latest invention.

* * *

"Szayel Aporro-sama! Szayel Aporro-sama!"

"Szayel Aporro-sama!"

"Finished." Looking down at his latest creation, he sighed with relief and satisfaction. The pink and white, sparkly, buttonless television stood out against the stark white background of his laboratory.

"SZAYEL APORRO-SAMA!"

"WHAT IS IT, LUMINA?!" having been decidedly scared the bejesus out of with his I'm-so-going-to-eat-you look, Verona spoke up instead.

"Aizen-sama wants to see you!" A warning growl and a barely concealed snarl told Verona that now was not the time. "Gomen, Szayel-Aporro-sama! We can see that you're busy! We'll tell him you'll be there when you're finished!" Ushering Lumina out of the room, the two left as quickly as they had come. Szayel, poking the screen of his magnificently amazing new invention, decided it was time to test it out.

"What if I had blue hair?"

* * *

"Watch it, Octava!"

"Oo-er, she gets angrier every day..."

"I SAID WATCH IT, OCTAVA!"

"What are you gonna do, bitch-slap me?" He did. Except it was less bitch-slap, more bitch-stomp-on-face. "She's just jealous..."

"I swear to god, if you don't quit callin' me that shit right now, I'm gonna bust yer face so open it physically turns inside out."

"Understood." Standing, Szayel flicked his long teal hair in the direction of the rather larger man in front of him. "_It's not my fault you want some of this._" Strutting off in the opposite direction with a less-than-subtle hip wiggle, he felt a strange warm feeling spread across his chest.

"Pantera, meet asshole, asshole, Pantera."

"Harsh, Grimmjow... LUMINA!" A nasty crunch followed by some gratuitous chompage resulted in a fully healed, though soiled Szayel standing from his hunched position on the floor. "Real harsh..." As Grimmjow walked away he could have sworn he heard another insult but decided that if he didn't walk away right now this second, Szayel would be minus, well, a head, and Aizen would probably kick his ass if he killed another Espada. It wasn't his fault they kept coming onto him, he just wasn't into guys, no matter how much his appearance said otherwise. Pink hair plus tan plus pink eye-liner does not _necessarily_ scream raging homosexual. Just because he wasn't all over the ladies here (most of them either thought he was gay, or were scared shitless of him) didn't make him gay. He heard footsteps running towards him and was preparing for a Szayel-related-disembowelment when one of his less incompetent Fracción bowed respectfully and delivered a soul destroying message.

"Grimmjow-sama, Aizen-sama requests your presence." A sneer being the only response he could form without swearing profusely and quite possibly resorting to his original disembowelment plan, he followed the Fracción back to the throne room.

"Ah, Grimmjow-san, glad you could join us."

"Hnn."

"So, to the matter at hand, you are familiar with our human guest, no? Well, it appears her 'nakama' are coming to try to rescue her again and I would be more than grateful if you could take care of them for me. The last time they were here they caused so much unnecessary hassle, better you sort them out now. But bring back Kurosaki, he could prove interesting." Realising that this was an order, and to disobey an order directly given to you by Aizen would result in a very slow, very painful death at the hands of Kyoka Suigetsu, he scoured the lands of Hueco Mundo for the shinigami's reiatsu, pinpointed them in the desert and sonido'd off to find them.

"Ah, Berry-chan. We meet again."

"Get out of the way, Grimmjow, or I'll cut you down. I'm not in the mood for you right now."

"That's not what you said last night."

"And you wonder why people think you're gay..."

"What was that, shinigami?!"

"Nothing... just move, ugh. Getsuga Tenshō." He moved. Elegantly. Kind of like a ballerina. Giggling at the thought, he wasn't paying enough attention and ended up, well, stuck in something. It was kind of like a big, glittery, box. "What...the fuck...?"

"Jaula represión. Yer trapped. Sucks. Now for the rest of you," he said, looking at the rest of the group, having dwindled considerably since their first failed attempt, only the Quincy, the Mexican and the Pineapple had come this time, "Either you run away or you're gonna end up all mangled and bloody and I don't want to get covered in it. So off you go! Bye, now!" Ripping a garganta behind them and hitting them with a cero they stumbled backwards through the hole with confused and annoyed looks on their faces. "Now, shinigami, let's get you back to Las Noches!" Noticing for the first time how adorable the boy looked in his strangely contorted position in his repression cage, he picked it up and slung it over one shoulder in a less violent manner than he could have done. Ichigo, feeling this was quite possibly the most surreal moment of his life, wondered how he'd managed to underestimate Grimmjow so severely, and how he'd been captured so easily. It was almost like he _wanted _to get caught. Hell, of all the people to be caught by, Grimmjow was definitely one of the better ones. Ever since the first time he saw him, even as he plunged his hand deep into his friend's most important of internal organs, he couldn't help but think, 'Damn...' Hang on, _did_ he want to get caught? He frowned in confusion. Grimmjow couldn't help but wonder if the kid ever lightened up, then figured that he did have a pretty good reason to not smile.

* * *

Having been stuck with the kid for almost a week, Grimmjow sighed.

"_Seeing as you always seem to have a never ending string of complaints over your ennui, I am graciously going to provide you with something to do..."_

"_Someone ta do more like!" A glare at the more impolite of the former shinigami inspired silence._

"_You are hereby the caretaker of our latest guest, Kurosaki Ichigo. You are to take him to his quarters and ensure he is kept alive until I have need of him, understood?"_

"_Hai, Aizen-sama." Grimacing at the suffix he was forced to use, he turned and left the room._

"Come on shinigami, you gotta eat," Grimmjow said with a little more kindness in his voice than he would have liked.

"How can I eat when I'm stuck here with you?"

"Well when I'm not here you don't eat either..."

"What's it to you?"

"Look, I'm just following orders, so either you eat something or I _make_ you eat something." Ichigo, having had his reiatsu bound but still as stubborn as ever (and also a little curious) refused with a sharp shake of his head.

"Your decision." Pinning Ichigo to his couch, he grabbed the first piece of food off the plate sitting on the table. Using his knees to pin his arms he held Ichigo's nose with one hand and held the food with the other, poised to attack. As soon as Ichigo gasped for breath, he shoved the food into his mouth and held his jaw shut. Unfortunately, Ichigo had been in mid breath and had just inhaled a shitload of rice that would have been better suited to not blocking his trachea. A coughing fit ensued. "Fuck's sake." Somehow, from deep within the recesses of his mind, he knew what to do. Forcing Ichigo to his feet and grabbing him from behind, he performed the Heimlich manoeuvre.

"Oo-er. You move fast, Grimmjow." Szayel Aporro stepped into the room and up to the other men. "I never thought you'd get over me that quickly.

"What do you want, Grantz?"

"I just came to do some tests on our vizard friend here, but it can wait," one coy look and he was gone once more.

"Fuck. Thanks a lot, Kurosaki. Fucking starve yourself, see if I care." The following hint of sadness on Ichigo's face tipped him over the edge. "Why don't you ever fucking smile? You can't be that miserable all the time!"

"What if I am?"

"Well don't fucking be! At least you have a slim chance of getting out of here. Some of us are stuck here. Married to this shit hole, 'till death do us part."

"You could escape."

"Aye, fuck." Ichigo rested an understanding hand on the elder man's shoulder and they stood in a comfortable silence before Grimmjow broke it, "you know I'm not gay, right?"

"Yeah. Neither am I." Grimmjow turned to face the man and then decided that since Szayel had undoubtedly already told the entire of Hueco Mundo and beyond of what he'd 'seen' that he had nothing to lose. He picked up the boy and threw him on the couch, the look of anticipation and longing on his face only spurring him on.

* * *

As he lounged on the couch, stroking the hair of the smaller man in his arms, he realised that he'd just followed a direct order by Aizen, just as he wanted him to. "Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE!"

* * *

Wondering slightly why he was such a secondary character in his own question he frowned. His ego doesn't appreciate being such a minor antagonist. Oh well, maybe it'll piss off Aizen if it happens to him. Gathering up his machine, he sonido'd to the throne room and entered.

"Ah, Szayel-san, I see you brought your latest creation. May I ask what it's called?"

"Of course, it's 'La qué si Máquina.'"

* * *

_**A/N**_

I have NO idea where this chapter came from, honestly. It just kinda... happened. So yeah, handiest thing ever: there's a mentalistic scientist in every world of bleach xD

Kays. Jaula represión. I made it up in a way that sounded like something Kubo would make up. I'm pretty sure the grammar is incorrect, so if it is, blame Kubo xD I mean, I could ask my fluent-spanish-speaking-masters-in-translation-and-interpretation-of-spanish-sister BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?! And I couldn't be arsed. I mean, my phone's in my pocket and there's another one half a foot in front but... meh.

Btw I figure everyone hates Aizen, on the basis that, well, they should.

I also apologise for the INSANE OOCness of like... everyone in this fic...

I FINISHED MY PHOTOGRAPHY COURSEWORK -HIGHFIVEZ- I couldn't do it the night before cause well, I was wasted -.- But I did it so I could write some crack but realised too late that I was really tired and I fell asleep -.- Sorry:)

BYEZ. X x Robocracy!


	4. If Stark was a shinigami

* * *

_A/N_

_DISCLAIMERRRRRRR: Do not own._

_Title: Cold?_

_Rating: _T for swearing, again.

_Characters/Pairings_: Mainly Shunsui & StarkxLilinette

_Genre: _Romance / Kinda angsty / kinda fluffy and the usual untinentional crack.

_Summary: _If Stark was a shinigami. It's a Stark & Lilinette fic... which ended up being just like Romeo & Juliette. Lawl they even sound the same.

* * *

"Ah, Szayel-san, I see you brought your latest creation. May I ask what it's called?"

"Of course, it's 'La qué si Máquina.'"

"Care to elaborate?"

"Well, it tells you what may happen, all you have to do is ask it a question."

"I see. Could I...?"

"By all means." Giving the former shinigami his latest pride and joy, he watched the man's façade crack a little, allowing just a little of his excitement to leak out. Realising he had left the room without dismissing him, he assumed he was going to ask his question in private, and that he was to await his return. Several minutes later, an extremely disgruntled Aizen burst through the doors and threw the machine at the first Arrancar he saw, who luckily caught it before having a what-if-machine-shaped hole firmly gouged into their face. Szayel slunk out of the room, disappointed. He wanted to piss the guy off, not commit suicide. Lamenting his loss and realising all-too-late that burning his notes post-completion was not his best idea, he conceded defeat, and, already being kind of bored with the machine anyway, returned to his laboratory thinking of releasing some of his pent-up creativity in a session with Cirucci...

* * *

"Stark! Wake up! Wake UP! WAKE UP!!"

"...Ugh... Lilinette... sleep now...talk later..." Several punches to the abdomen and other, slightly more sensitive areas and he was rendered thoroughly awake. "I'm up! You can stop now! I SAID I'M UP!"

"Look! I found something!"

"I can see that, but what exactly _have_ you found?"

"Octava made it. He said it's," putting a manic grin on her face, she continued, "'La qué si Máquina'. Just ask it a question, like this! What if...uh..." she giggled, "What if Stark was a shinigami?"

* * *

"Stark?" Nanao sighed. "I've been looking for you everywhere, it's almost like you're deliberately avoiding me. I didn't even know it was possible to conceal your reiatsu while asleep." She gave him a sharp look and he just yawned in return. He thought that he'd be able to avoid working that day, though he probably could have hidden somewhere that wasn't on top of the 8th division office but he was just trying to get some sleep in the sun anyway. Said sun was now reflecting off Nanao's glasses in a somewhat menacing manner. Scratch that. Said sun was now reflecting off Nanao's glasses in an extremely, I'm-going-to-bakudo-you-right-where-it-hurts manner.

"What is it Ise-san?"

"You haven't done any of your paperwork for the past week and it's really starting to build up and I'm aware of the fact that you're only third seat and you have far less paperwork than I have but by this stage you still have a considerable amount left to do and-"

"Okay, okay, I'll do it," he submitted. Even though he knew that he could easily kick her ass, getting Nanao angry would result in a very angry Shunsui. And he rather enjoyed having limbs. Everyone knew that he could easily become fukutaichō, or even taichō but she was the only thing holding the division together and he loved being in Shunsui's division. Spontaneous sake-filled parties, lying in the sun even when there was no sun to lie in and generally just spending his time doing...well...nothing. Yeah, life was definitely good here at eighth. Though, he couldn't help but feel that something was missing. Exactly what it was, he couldn't pinpoint, but it was something he found difficult to live without at times. He'd only ever really told Shunsui about it, the two of them searching for answers at the bottom of many, many sake bottles whenever the world got just that little bit to difficult for them to bear. But aside from those nights, he was fine. When he wasn't doing paperwork, that was. He sighed and shunpo'ed back to the office where he found his taichō sleeping in the shade. "Teme..." he received a smirk from the man who was quite clearly not sleeping nor doing the piles of work in front of him and set to work on his own.

* * *

Crawling out of bed at some ungodly hour of the morning, Stark prepared for, yet another, captain's meeting. Ever since Aizen had fled to Hueco Mundo he was constantly being dragged to the things, seeing as he had mastered Bankai and may as well be a captain. That bastard Ikkaku still hadn't been discovered. It wasn't his fault his Bankai was about 50ft tall and _really_ hard to conceal. He shunpo'ed there, naturally, he was always _at least _20 minutes late and entered at the same time as his equally late taichō, taking his position beside him among what was left of the captains of the Gotei 13. The old man started talking and he was getting more bored by the second. Luckily, he had mastered the sleeping-while-standing technique after a particularly lengthy speech and had already employed it when he received a sharp nudge from Kyōraku. Apparently they had captured some Arrancar girl and thought they could get information from her, but didn't want anyone under captain-class to risk her going nuts, but none of the captains were, well, as expendable as he was. Great. _Babysitting_. Just what he needed. Having been dismissed from the meeting, he promptly (or more accurately; ridiculously slowly to the point of not really moving at all) made his way to Senzaikyū, the only place they saw fit to put her.

As the door slid closed behind him, he felt the comforting hum of reiatsu disappear, only seeming to make his senses more aware of the presence of the Arrancar girl he was currently scouring the vast open space for. As he was looking for her, he noticed how their reiatsu seemed almost to dance in the atmosphere, enclosed by the seke-seke stone, swirling lime green and bright blue in the semi-darkness, complimenting one another in a way rarely seen outside of, well, anything actually, and was something Stark himself had been yet to encounter until now. Discovering the source of the reiatsu, his eyes fell upon the small, shivering form of a small girl, curled up in a ball with her arms hugging her legs. Bright green hair obscured an equally bright pink eye, a huge helmet, completely out of scale with the rest of her body, covered her head and hid one of her eyes. He couldn't help but notice how few clothes she was wearing, and the goosebumps he could see all over her body.

"Cold?"

"N...N-n-n-no."

"I'll take that as a yes then," he sighed. "Look, I've been assigned to...well basically I've been assigned to make sure you don't kill anyone but I'd go so far as to assume that they don't want _you _to die either, at least, not of hypothermia." She cracked a small smile, which quickly returned to its previous melancholic state.

"I kn-n-now why you're h-here. A-a-and I'm not-t-telling you a-anything!"

"I thought you'd say that, but old man Yama wants me interrogating you, but I think we both know that even if I pinned you to the floor and threatened you with imminent death, you wouldn't say a word."

"I d-don't think I'd m-mind th-that much."

"Death?"

"Y-you p-pinning me to the f-f-f-floor." she smirked. He returned it with a smile of his own.

"This is ridiculous. You're freezing half to death over there! Your clothes are just... beyond impractical... why haven't you been given...anything? Have they given you anything at all?"

"N-n-nope."

"Wait here."

"D-duh." He left the Senzaikyū, once more being assaulted by the reiatsu of countless shinigami and returned to his quarters. Grabbing the first set of shihakushō he could find and a couple of bottles of sake (maybe Arrancar were more like shinigami than you would think, who knows?) and returned once more to the tower. "Y-you were q-qui-quick."

"Put these on." he threw her the clothes.

"A sh-shihakushō?! You t-taking the p-piss?!"

"Put them on or I'll put them on you."

"F-fine."

"Maybe you'll stop shivering for five seconds and you can finish a sentence without stuttering."

"H-hey, s-shinigami?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Just doing my job." As she slipped her zōri on, she sunk back down the wall she had been leaning against. Once again hugging her legs, she rested her head on her knees. "Hey, Arrancar, what's your name?"

"Lilinette, you?"

"Stark."

"Heh. That doesn't sound like a very shinigami name, shinigami." He sank to the ground beside her and elbowed her in her exposed side. "What was that for?"

"Cheer up. No point being afraid of something you can't change so just bear through it with your head held high and at least you can say that you did it with dignity." She lifted her gaze to him and smiled, a genuine smile this time. "Now. Do you Arrancar drink sake?"

"Umm...that depends. What's sake?"

"I have so_ very _much to teach you." He gave her a warm smile, as genuine as her own, produced two (of many) sake bottles and handed her one, having forgotten the dishes, but he drank straight from the bottle most of the time anyway. "Drink." She did. In fact, she drank the whole thing. Then coughed. A lot. "Strong?"

"Nothing I can't handle." She replied, betrayed by her now incredibly hoarse voice.

"I probably should have started you off on the weaker stuff; this is the strongest I've got. I just thought that maybe with you being an Arrancar and all-" she forcibly stopped him from talking by grabbing his chin and turning his face towards her.

"Fankyou, zhinigami." she dropped the bottle with a resounding clunk on the hard floor and slumped into him, unconscious. He caught her before he lost an eye from her helmet and held her there, lest he wake her up and incur the wrath of a grouchy drunken Arrancar. (At least he told himself that that was the reason, not the fact that he felt strangely complete with the gently snoring girl in his arms.)

* * *

The two men sat in their usual spots in their usual dusty old Rukongai bar, surrounded by sake bottles. (As usual.) They were alike in many ways, unshaven face, long curly hair, kind eyes. Not to mention the fact that their lives seemed to revolve around similar things; sake, sleep, women. Tonight was one of _the_ nights, the kind of night which is never forgotten, the night where all the walls separating two people crumble. A conversation takes place wherein they discover more about one another than they ever thought they could, where they feel a sense of openness unlike anything ever felt before. On these nights, Stark felt like he could tell his taichō anything.

"Hey, Shunsui?"

"Mmhmmn?"

"Can I ask you something?

"O' course. Shoot."

"Have you ever felt like something was missing? Like, you just weren't complete?"

"Yes. I used to feel that way before-"

"Before you found it, the missing piece. You found Nanao. See, therein lies the problem. I found it too."

"The Arrancar girl."

"How'd you-"

"You thought I didn't? Who knows you better than I? The great, intuitive, genius, Kyōraku Shunsui! Don't worry, I haven't told anyone, but you have to understand that if you pursue this, they won't hesitate to label you a traitor. What you have to ask yourself is this, am I willing to die_ with_ this girl, am I willing to die _for_ her?"

"But what if they killed her here? Surely her soul would, as any other, have to come to soul society, but by being here already, wouldn't that just turn her into an ordinary soul?"

"It's a possibility, but what if they don't? And even so, could you live with yourself knowing that you witnessed her death without doing anything to stop it?"

"I don't know. You're supposed to tell me I'm a horrible person for ever even considering such actions and eternally condemn me for fraternising with the enemy." The elder man laughed, a sight often seen but rarely with this level of sincerity.

"Who am I to tell you who you can and cannot love? The heart wants what it wants. Even if what it wants is a little... different. Hey, opposites attract."

"I'm not _in_ love with her though, there's just this... connection."

"Well, you have to decide, are you willing to die for a girl you've just met?"

"I think I decided as soon as I laid eyes on her."

"Had a feeling you might say that," he said, seeing the questioning look the other man gave him, he added, "I felt the same. In fact, I still feel the same. Among the shinigami there's this saying, old wives' tale, whatever you want to call it, I can't remember it exactly, but basically it said that for every soul out there, there was one other soul for them, the perfect match. It said that when souls were first created, they were created to suit one other person completely but through various deaths and reincarnations of the same souls, these paired souls were separated. Hence why loneliness is pretty much the only universally felt emotion. A one in 6 billion chance of finding someone kinda goes against the odds, so finding them makes it that much more special, and you know straight away. You see, it's also said that as soon as their reiatsu met, they knew they were the one for one another." Stark raised an eyebrow.

"You're kidding right? You think we're _soul-mates_? You've gone soft, taichō. Real soft."

"Mock all you want but you know I'm right. You saw it, didn't you? Your reiatsu, it reacted, didn't it?" Seeing the look on Stark's face he continued, "Haha! I knew it!" Proof. Shunsui mentally I-told-you-so'd then realising the death of one of his best friends was imminent, he turned sombre, not quite matching the infamous stoicism of a certain clan leader but that was virtually impossible no matter how many tragedies you were facing.

"So what do I do?"

"Go to her."

* * *

Being constantly stuck in the Senzaikyū was bad enough as it was without having to worry about anything other than her impending doom. If she gets reincarnated she's so going to stab Nnoitra. Lots. In the face. Fucking coward. Who leaves their Fracción to get captured just because they don't feel like fighting a couple of shinigami?! It's not like she was useless to him, she'd always been a good little Fracción, doing what she was told. She didn't really want to think about half the stuff he told her to do. She shuddered.

"Cold again?" She had been so lost in thought she hadn't even noticed him come in, let alone sit down beside her. She hadn't even gotten to the real reason why she wanted to kill Nnoitra. It was that he had forced her to get stuck here, but not because she was scared of dying, no hollows really were. Death was second nature to her. No, this was a bigger and far more annoying predicament. And it'd just sat down beside her. Every time he spoke it sent chills down her spine. He edged closer. "You all right?" Concern, what kind of shinigami feels concern for a hollow, an Arrancar no less? "You seem kind of... spaced out." He reached out a hand and placed it on her shoulder, giving her a slight shake, several butterflies in her stomach and a heart rate of about 160bpm. "Hey, Lilinette!"She turned her face towards him and took his hand off her shoulder. It really wasn't helping matters.

So yes, meet Problem A, Stark liked her. He had come to see her everyday and even though he seemed to be avoiding her as much as possible, she didn't miss the stolen glances, the feather-light touches. But alas, Problem A would not be Problem A if there was no Problem B, so, meet Problem B. She liked Stark. This was blatantly obvious considering the whole butterfly thing. Now, these would not be problems if it wasn't for Problem C. Problem C; she was a hollow and he was a shinigami.

Having once again lost herself in her thoughts she hadn't noticed that when she took his hand off her shoulder, she hadn't moved her hand from holding his, at least until he started drawing soothing circles with his thumb. "Hey shinigami." Realising that at some point in her train of thought she had moved her head to stare mindlessly at a wall, she turned back to face Stark. Having only just noticed that he wasn't trying to get away from her, she guessed that he'd conceded defeat. Taking the opportunity she thought she might not get again, she leaned towards him and, closing her eyes, she pressed the lightest of kisses on his lips, revelling in the way his lips moved beneath hers, tasting experimentally that distinct flavour of Stark. Parting said lips to allow her more access, she deepened the kiss and explored his mouth with a quiet fervour, delicately massaging his tongue with her own, tasting the sake from his unfinished night of wallowing in self pity. She placed several more feather-light kisses to his lips and settled in his arms, relaxing immediately into his embrace while he stroked his fingers through her hair. "We're screwed."

"True that." Stark couldn't help but think that they were just like Romeo & Juliet.

* * *

The expressions of the two Arrancar were indescribable as they looked from the screen to one another and back to the screen again, opening and closing their mouths as they tried to say something when the words wouldn't come out, and only accomplishing looking a bit like fish. They seemed to simultaneously return to reality and on doing so, they left the room through separate doors.

* * *

**A/N**

Sorry this took so long but it hated me more than anything I've ever written. Ever. Shunsui is so OOC it hurts ;-; . It's really hard to keep characters in character when you have about 30 seconds of...well...existence to go on. And sorry I didn't continue but I figure you get what happens, since they're just like Romeo & Juliet. If you don''t get it, I'll tell you. They die. Together:) And I lolled at the whole soul-mates thing, it hurt to write .

OKAY SO. I have ALOT of exams in the next two weeks. Bad exams. ;-; So I may be rendered useless to the world. AMAGAD I HAVE A LEVER ARCH FILE OF BIOLOGY TO LEARN. I'm screwed. WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

AHHHND, I need to write crack, pure crack.

OH AND _PLEASE PLEASE __**PLEASE **__**SUGGEST **__**THINGS**_. Seriously I'll do pretty much ANYTHING. Honestly... I'm obedient like that. Any pairing, any situation, story, anything. I really, really don't mind. Unless you're being obviously mean ;-; .

Kay so, thanks for reading:)

xX Robocracy!!1111oneoneleven


	5. Berrychan! If Ichigo was a girl

Disclaimer: DO.NOT.OWN.

Based on a request by The Hollow Inside;

'What if Ichigo was a girl? I can just imagine him/her freaking out when Chizuru tries to molest him/her XD'

_Title: _Berry-chan

_Rating: _T for swearing, again.

_Characters/Pairings_: Mainly IchixHime / one-sided ChizuruxIchi

_Genre: _CRACKKKKK. _Some romance._

_Summary: _If Ichigo was a girl. It involves slight girl on girl but like... it's Ichigo X Orihime... MELT.

'Lawl' - Thought

"Lawl" - Speech

* * *

Back in Karakura, two young men left the Urahara Shōten, looking far more disgruntled than they had when they'd entered. The now thoroughly dejected shop keeper couldn't prevent his smile from fading. He thought that what he'd shown them would be an incentive to get stronger and train harder to stop Aizen, he hadn't thought they would take it this bad. Ichigo looked particularly distressed. (He had a few more creases on his forehead than normal). He probably thought he had some horrible hidden potential or some evil unavoidable...something. Hell if he knew! The kid's so closed off to everyone around him it's impossible to figure him out. He thinks he's being manly by keeping it all in, he wondered what it would be like if Ichigo was more like a girl. (Light bulb moment) He turned to his machine with a somewhat sadistic grin plastered on his face. "What if Ichigo was a girl?"

* * *

As the early morning sun started to filter in through the gap in his curtains, Ichigo lazily opened one eye. The alarm started to go off, as usual. Every time it went off, he had already woken up about twenty seconds beforehand. He was tempted to just not bother setting it at all, but knew that as soon as he did, he'd not wake up and be late for school. Things like that always happened to him. Any time something started to go good in his life, something bad happened. He's still waiting for that bad thing to happen because recently he (finally) got together with Orihime. Sure she could be a bit ditzy and clumsy at times but she was so perceptive, she just knew him. She knew how he felt even if no-one else could tell. Everyone had been waiting for forever for them to get together but he'd been kinda blind to her affections up until Ishida asked her out and he overheard her rejecting him. And the reasons why she'd done so. Yeah, life was good. He probably shouldn't have said that. Thought it, whatever. Point is, he just jinxed himself. He started stretching absent mindedly and headed for the bathroom.

Still in a state of semi-consciousness, he grabbed his toothbrush and generously slapped on some toothpaste. Brushing his teeth, he looked in the mirror, more out of habit than necessity and noticed his appearance for the first time. His hair was sticking up in all directions in his typical I-haven't-slept-but-still-managed-to-get-bed-hair fashion. Those Hollows were a nightmare. Both literally and figuratively. Oh and he was a she. He stopped mid-brush and stared wide eyed at his reflection. Then he suddenly regained control of his body and began searching all over the bathroom for a girl that looked suspiciously like him before returning to the mirror. His hair was the same, if a little longer but his eyes were larger, warmer, more inviting and his scowl was gone. Guess you can't have a bad-boy image when you're not a boy. He wasn't a boy. What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK!? HE WAS A GIRL. _SHE_ WAS A GIRL. She screamed. She screamed _like a girl_. Her inner hollow giggled, then stopped abruptly, apparently Ichigo hadn't been the only one with a shock in store. Thank god for small mercies. She vaguely wondered if Zangetsu had changed too then decided that what really mattered was the fact that _she_ was now a _girl_.

Suddenly realising the implications, she looked down to see certain new appendages blocking the view of her feet. She also noticed that she'd gone to bed in her boxers and walked straight to the bathroom with nothing else on. Come to think of it, how had she not noticed these massive obstructions until now? They weren't as big as Orihime's but nowhere near as small as Rukia's. In fact, on further inspection, she was quite a hot girl. She was slim, toned but not muscular. She'd hit it. She wondered if Orihime would. Dilemma. What would Orihime say?! More importantly, WHY WAS SHE A GIRL?! She didn't even know if she could still fight Hollows, she just looked so...dainty. She was still tall but just so effeminate. She rinsed her mouth and hopped in the shower, stripping off the only piece of clothing she had on.

She squealed. She had only just realised that the favourite part of her anatomy was gone. Now she just had nothing to live for at all and deciding that her shower was the most important thing in the world, she tried to take her mind off her inherent femininity. She couldn't help the thought, 'Why me' from creeping into her head. Things were just starting to go good for her. She started to feel slightly light-headed as she was temporarily overcome by emotion. Tears fell to only be washed away moments later and as her eyes began to sting she thought, 'What the fuck?!'. Ichigo doesn't cry. EVER. She didn't even know why she was crying. This was hardly a crying matter. An annoying matter, but a nonetheless fixable matter. She hoped. She should go consult Rukia. Definitely. That would mean going to school. She sighed as she turned the water off and grabbed a towel from the radiator, realising that it needed to be a lot longer than it was. Running to her bedroom in order to not flash her family, she locked the door and padded over to her wardrobe.

'What the...' Inside Ichigo's wardrobe was her school uniform. _Her_ school uniform. Complete with skirt. Shaking it off and deciding that she was in a horrible, horrible dream, she got dressed and attempted to run clear of the house before anyone noticed she was even awake. The operative word being 'attempted'.

"My darling eldest daughter! How are you feeling this fine September morn?" Ichigo made a face that closely resembled that of Kuchiki Byakuya on discovering Yachiru playing on her scooter in the hallways of his manor. "What's wrong, Ichi-chan?" She face-palmed and kicked him in the face. Then ran. As she bolted down the street she could hear Yuzu trying to calm him down while he screamed from the doorstep, "YOU WOUND ME, ICHIGO!!"

Rounding a corner, Ichigo bumped straight into the object of his earlier musings, Orihime. "Oh, hi Berry-chan! Sorry about that, I was day dreaming..." Shaking off the 'Berry-chan' and not really knowing how to broach the subject of whether or not she was, well, a lesbian, she decided to stick with her most hated of all things, small talk.

"It's fine, Inoue-san." Hearing her own voice made her internally shudder. Also, apparently, judging by the look on her face at the mention of her name, in this dimension, Ichigo didn't call her Inoue-san. In hindsight, she should have paid more attention to the Berry-chan..ness. Employing her newly formulated plan-B, she burst into giggles. "Sorry, Hime-chan! Couldn't resist!" She bought it. Crisis averted. Linking arms, they headed to school. Ahh, if only Aizen would turn up now, he'd probably die of laughter. Or pity. Nah, the sadistic bastard would just get some popcorn.

"You know, you do the best Ishida-kun impression!" She donned the expression of someone who's just had some serious sudden realisation. A revelation of enlightening proportions. "You two should totally go out!" Shit.

* * *

Glompage.

That was the only way Ichigo could think to describe what had just happened to her. She'd been in the classroom five seconds before she got...glomped. Apparently she was hotter than Orihime. Awesome, but not the point. Since Tatsuki thought Ichigo could take care of herself, no-one had thought to stop the raging homosexual from grabbing her around the waist before moving up to her breasts and, wait, shoving her tongue down her throat? Unless... 'Oh you're _kidding_.' She must have been on a whole new level of sexual frustration if she'd started something with that nymphomaniac. At least she hadn't gone with Ishida. That would've been hard to explain.

"Aren't you going to call her off?" Tatsuki shouted towards her.

"Waddya mean?"

"The dog you just got sicced on you." A feral snarl issued from the woman currently ensnaring her in her arms.

"She's obviously just realised that she needs me, craves me as I do her..." The red-head smirked at the implications under her statement and moved to return her tongue to its rightful place when Ichigo realised that she _wasn't _going out with Chizuru. She wriggled free from the iron-like grip and shoved her face away with one hand while trapping her wrists in another. "Kinky!"

"Ishida's gonna be pissed." Turning to give Tatsuki the most incredulous look she could muster, she didn't notice that she'd loosened her grip and Chizuru had re-grabbed her around the waist.

"Hu-huh?"

"He's definitely in love with you. It's obvious. Him and half the school..."

"Really?" Ichigo's jaw dropped while Chizuru span her around in her arms.

"OUR LOVE IS THE ONLY LOVE THAT MATTERS!" Once again trying to close the gap between them, Chizuru's face was not met by Ichigo's, but rather, her foot. "You're so hot and cold, Ichi!"

"WHEN WAS I HOT?!"

"You're _always_ hot," she practically purred, receiving another boot to the face, knocking her across the room. Tatsuki gave Ichigo a look that said 'you walked right into that one' and went to finish her off while Orihime just looked as innocent and confused as ever. She really had to stop looking at Orihime like that, someone could notice, was she staring? It's really hard not staring at a girl like that... or thinking about her...

"What's wrong Berry-chan?" Oh, she was staring after all. Stupid fantasies. Stupid masculine brain.

"Oh, nothing Hime-chan!" Speaking like that made the man in Ichigo die a little inside. Screw it, she was going to turn that girl into a lesbian if it was the last thing she did, god dammit! Just how she was going to _do_ that, she didn't quite know, but she'd figure it out. As the teacher came in and gave the class a look that said 'I will kill you if you don't find your seats in the next three seconds' Ichigo let out a sigh of relief and found her seat. Today was going to be a long day.

* * *

"Hey, Hime-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna have lunch with me?"

"But we always have lunch together, Berry-chan!"

"I mean, wanna have lunch together, just you and me."

"Why?" Could she be making this any more difficult?

"I just wanna spend some time with you!"

"Ummm, okay." Ichigo steered her towards a secluded spot where they had been having lunch together, back in the parallel universe, figuring they'd be pretty undisturbed there. They sat down and she stared incredulously at the contents of Orihime's lunch bag, she never ceased to surprise her. She didn't even know where the hell she'd get guacamole. Inching closer as carefully as she could without rousing suspicion, she put on the sexiest look she could muster and used her husky smoker's voice.

"So what's up, Hime?"

"Nothing at all really, not that nothing's up...I mean lots of things are going on but nothing important, well nothing _that_ important anyway!" Success! Well, Ichigo hoped nervousness counted as success, she only does that repetition thing when she's nervous and she's not running away. "So what's up with you, Berry-chan?" God she wished she could answer that with a horribly cheesy pick up line, but sadly, nothing was up any more. She went for the inching closer thing again, instead. "Ummm, Ichigo?"

"Yeah?" she whispered right in her ear.

"What are you-?"

"Shhh, don't spoil it." Ichigo kissed her cheek and noticing she still hadn't run away, tentatively brushed their lips together with a series of feather-light kisses, before running her tongue along her bottom lip, getting a gasp from the girl as the foreign sensation felt better than she ever thought it would (little did she know it wasn't the first time Ichigo had done it). Deepening the kiss, Ichigo couldn't help but mentally punch the air. Then the bell went. She didn't get to eat her lunch. Stupid school.

* * *

"Hey, Berry-chan!"

"Yeah?"

"Ummm...Can I walk you home?"

"'Course you can." As soon as they'd left the school gates Orihime grabbed her hand. She could easily get used to this girl stuff. When Orihime placed a light kiss on her cheek, all the blood rushed straight out of her body, and combined with the fact she'd accidentally not eaten anything that day, she passed out.

* * *

She woke up in her room, wondering how she'd gotten there. She gave her eyes a chance to adjust to the light coming in through the gap in the curtains. She rolled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, still trying to figure out how she'd ended up in her room. Looking at the mirror as she did every morning, she noticed how her hair looked just as messy as ever. Oh, and she was a boy...again. He shouted. "For fuck's sake!"

* * *

A/N

Done as a request for The Hollow Inside! Hope it wasn't too...weird for you xD.

I know it ends kinda abruptly, but the trigger for Ichigo changing gender was things started going good so when things went good, he changed back...

OKAY, IT'S A WEAK TRIGGER, I'M SORRY, I FAIL.

But I needed to stop it before it turned into it's own multichapter, you will not believe how many different pairings happened, you shouldda seen the Byakuya one, it was awesome xD

Sorry this took so long but I had exams and another fic which I'd left for a month, which isn't really getting any love ;-;

**OH, BTW, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD REPLY TO REVIEWS, SO I'LL BE DOING THAT FROM NOW ON!**

So yeah, requests taken! Taken happily actually, I'd probably write whatever you asked me to... as long as it didn't involve paedophilia or mpreg :) Because paedophilia's gross and mpreg takes too long xD

Xx Robocracy


	6. If Ukitake taichō was cured

Disclaimer: DO.NOT.OWN.

Based on a request by The Smallest Ghost;

"I got myself a request! cuz Ukitkake Jyuushirou is my Fave Character What about if Ukitake was cured from his sickness?! and if you chose a pairing for him. could it be Yaoi please! and maybe with Shunsui or Hisagi ;p"

_Title: _"You're cured." "I'm cured?!" "He's _cured_?!" "He's cured."

_Rating: _T, probably... I don't think I swore o.o No smut, sorry! Sake involved :)

_Characters/Pairings_: UkiShun! Ukitake Jūshirō x Kyōraku Shunsui

_Genre: _Romance & Fluff and small crack doses

_Summary: _What if Ukitake-taichō was cured?

* * *

Kurotsuchi had always lived in the shadow of his predecessor, from the day he became head of twelfth division he was compared and contrasted to the unique genius who came before him. He had always had unusual ways to deal with his own various inadequacies, be they inadequacies of skill, easily resolved by using your fukutaichō as a human shield to land a single blow on your opponent, or be they intellectual, also easily resolved, this time adding a dash more dismemberment into the mix. Such intellectual inadequacies he tried to remove on a daily basis by creating useful tools for the rest of the shinigami because although he would never admit it to himself, he longed for their approval, well he really only wanted people to think he was better than his antecedent, thus making himself the smartest soul alive and preventing anyone from thinking of him as anything but infallible.

Looking upon his latest creation with an unparalleled sense of manic glee, he veritably skipped to his computer (because he couldn't be bothered going to the great library so he just hacked into it's circuits) to input the research on his feat of engineering. Adding all the necessary information, he hit the enter button and started spinning around on his chair, waiting to bask in the glory of another successful series of experiments, perhaps finally outshining his former taichō.

**Error**. Error code 50, to be exact; file already exists.

What happened next was what could only be described as frantic button-mashing worthy of any 8-bit gamer, followed by a lot of swearing and the throwing of a now completely redundant invention as hard and as fast as the enraged scientist could manage, which was both very hard and very fast. Maybe he should just dye his hair blonde and be done with it.

* * *

Looking up from her desk with one of the most perplexed expressions she could muster, Kiyone stared open-mouthed at the newly formed crater in the middle of the office. And the hole in the wall. That's going to require a lot of paperwork to explain. Her eyes moved to the object of their destruction lying in the centre of the devastation, seemingly unscathed. On further inspection, it appeared to be some sort of television and, suddenly very curious (and reluctant to finish her work), she decided it was of the utmost importance to find out whether or not it was dangerous. Her ingenious method of testing? She poked it. It came on, touch screen, nice. She poked the question mark in the corner of the screen.

_The What If Machine_

_Instructions_

_Ask the machine a question and it should depict a scenario based on the question you have asked it, such as, "What If Kurotsuchi-sama became captain general?" What ensues is a series of images providing a visual answer to the question._

The machine then gave an undoubtedly faked depiction of life under Kurotsuchi rule.

Kiyone scratched her head, wondering if she'd be able to use it before Sentarō got back then decided that she didn't care if he got back at all. At least she'd have more time with her poor sick captain. Even when he wasn't here she could swear she could hear him coughing, it was so unfair that a man as nice as him had be so ill all the time when people like Mayuri were perfectly healthy. She wondered if he'd ever get better. "What if Ukitake-taichō was cured?"

* * *

"May I please come in?" For the third time that week, Unohana appeared at the entrance to the quarters of her most frequent patient with her vice captain, quickly ushered in by a rather anxious pair of third seats.

"Yes, yes of course! He's getting worse! I'm really worried about him!"

"Shut up, Kotsubaki! _I'm_ really worried about him! Far more worried than _you_!" Tuning out the incessant arguing of the two but at least acknowledging that their hearts were in the right place, she left her fukutaichō to deal with them.

"Is he through here?"

"Yes, along with Kyōraku-taichō!" Shunsui was here, it must be serious. Nobody dares wake the eighth squad captain this early in the morning for anything less than, well, this. She could practically feel him coughing his last cough. She stepped through to the bedroom, confronted by a sight becoming all too familiar. Ukitake was doubled over, his body shaking with the coughs that were violently racking his body, blood was covering every surface around him, even Shunsui's bright pink coat was stained red. He was sitting beside his friend, arms around his shoulders with a defeated look replacing his normally cheerful demeanour. He exchanged a look with Unohana, gave Ukitake a comforting squeeze before releasing him and moving to sit on a cushion nearby.

Unohana knelt to the side of the pallet and turned Ukitake towards her, placing calming hands on his shoulders and giving very little thought to the nasty shade of crimson her haori was turning. Examining his reiatsu from this distance was the easiest way to get an accurate picture of the damage his illness was causing him. She closed her eyes and focused all her energy on that of the other man, noticing for the first time that his reiatsu seemed to be depleting, slipping away with every second that passed, in fact, it was a wonder he was still conscious considering the rate by which it was decreasing. In cases such as this, there was very little which could be done, simply hoping that the soul could heal itself was not enough in this instance as he was already too weak. She had already made up her mind as to her course of action before she even removed her hands. "I'll send my vice-captain in to look after him, I fear there is only one thing we can do and even then I'm not sure if it will work." Receiving an understanding nod from the solemn man in the corner, she turned to leave.

"Do anything you can to save him. Please, Dai-Senpai."

"Always."

* * *

She probably should have asked Yamamoto if she could go to the human world, but nothing stands in the way of her patients and if he had said no, she wouldn't have been held responsible for her actions. Stepping out of the Senkaimon, she immediately sought out the reiatsu of the one girl in this whole world who may be able to help. Unohana was a master of every shinigami art, including being able to successfully materialise and use spirit ribbons, quickly discovering the one belonging to her quarry. She was also a master of shunpo, flash stepping in a matter of seconds to her home and realising, thankfully, that she was alone. Feeling the urgency of the situation dispensed of courtesy, she opened the door and addressed her. "Inoue Orihime." The girl's expression was first that of fear but soon turned to confusion.

"Unohana-taichō? Is there something you need?"

"Yes, there is, I'll go straight to the point, we are in need of your assistance as I feel you are our last chance."

"Last chance for what?"

"Are you aware of the condition of the captain of thirteenth division, Ukitake Jūshirō?"

"Yeah, Rukia told me, why what's wrong? Is he all right?"

"I'm afraid not. His condition has deteriorated to the point where there is little chance of him returning from this episode, however, I believe you can help."

"But what can I do that you can't?"

"I can only cure what I am able to cure, you, however, reject the ailment from existence, rendering your abilities consistently successful. Perhaps you can heal what I cannot."

"I'll try to help but what can I do from here? I can't go to Soul Society on such short notice, they'll never open the gate in time!"

"I intend to bring him here, if you consent."

"Of course! I'll get everything ready... just bring him right here and I'll see what I can do!"

"Make any preparations you deem necessary and I shall return shortly." That said, she opened a Senkai Gate and returned to Seireitei, leaving Orihime slightly flustered, desperately trying to move the furniture to the edge of the room to place a futon in the centre.

Meanwhile, no sooner had Unohana stepped foot in Soul Society than she began flash stepping to Ukitake, feeling there was no time to lose and enough time had been wasted as it was. Flashing past the third seats who didn't even notice she'd passed, she got straight to business. "Kyōraku-san, I'm going to take Ukitake to the real world, and I want you to accompany us as there may be trouble from the guards of the Senkaimon following my previous unauthorised departure."

"But why are we going to the real world?"

"To visit the former ryoka girl, she is the only one who can help him now. Please lift Ukitake-san, we have to go immediately, follow my lead." Shunsui quickly gathered his oldest friend into his arms, hoping against hope that this girl would be able to work the miracle Unohana could not. Following her expert shunpo, they headed straight for the gate, with the resistance easily dispatched by Unohana herself. Instantly getting their bearings after their entrance into the real world, they hurried to Orihime, knowing that time was not on their side and she greeted them as soon as they reached her door.

"Set him down on the futon, please!" Obliging, Kyōraku lay his friend, who was still coughing hoarsely, carefully on the pallet. Orihime called her Sōten Kisshun and set to work, first analysing the damage and then trying to repair it. As the orange glow of her technique filled the room, both Unohana and Shunsui looked on with a mixture of worry, fear and awe. Neither even noticed when he stopped coughing up blood, then stopped coughing altogether. Orihime looked like she was focusing every aspect of her power on healing the man in front of her so even she didn't notice when his hair turned from it's normal shade of grey to an incredibly dark black. When the sickness finally left his body, Orihime collapsed on the floor next to him. Slowly opening eyes he hadn't noticed he'd closed, Ukitake looked from the girl on the ground to Shunsui and Unohana.

"What happened?"

"Please stay seated." Unohana knelt beside him, hands on his shoulders, probing his reiatsu for the sickness she'd come to associate so much with the younger man, but finding nothing. Not a single trace of the illness remained, and it wasn't a wonder that the girl had collapsed after healing him, rejecting centuries of sickness would really take it out of someone. "You're healed."

"What do you mean, I'm 'healed'."

"You're cured."

"I'm cured?!"

"He's _cured_?!"

"He's cured."

"Jū-kun, I believe this calls for sake!"

* * *

It had only been a matter of days since Ukitake's already famous revival, brought back from the brink of death healthier than he could ever remember being. Every night he was out with someone different celebrating the fact that he could now drink as much as everyone else, although he kept the drink to a minimum, seeing as he'd missed so many years of building a tolerance to the alcohol it took him very little to get drunk. But his new found social life was not the only development, it had always been well known that Shunsui was a ladies' man, but little did they know the impact that a certain other taichō could have on the female population of Seireitei.

During his illness, he was rarely able to leave his room for battle, let alone socialising. Most of the shinigami had never seen the man before, but now he was out and about constantly and apparently the women went crazy for the strong, sensitive, handsome types. He kept doing double takes in the mirror, the shadows under his eyes were gone, he'd lost a few wrinkles he'd never noticed he'd had and his hair was the same shade it was before he even entered the academy. Things were definitely looking up for Ukitake.

* * *

Shunsui, for the first time in his (very) long life, was jealous. Jealous of his best friend. Jealous because he was getting all the girls, and for the first time in _his_ (equally) long life, he was showing an interest in them. Jealous because he was taking all the girls away from _him_. But jealous mainly because he'd never had to share his little Jū-kun with anyone before now, and he really didn't like sharing.

* * *

Ukitake was by no means unschooled in the many arts of women, but he was generally so preoccupied with his illness he wouldn't know a woman was coming on to him if she took all her clothes off and wrote 'I want you' on her body in chocolate sauce. Not that if he hadn't noticed he wouldn't have said 'Yes please!', he was just too busy trying not to die to notice. Naturally, since he no longer had the rather distracting threat of imminent death hanging over his head, he'd loosened up a little. Well, he'd loosened up a lot. Bringing home a different girl every night wasn't something he was normally inclined to do but he hadn't been able to do it in so long, he was taking full advantage of it now. It wasn't that it wasn't great, because it was, but he just felt like he wasn't getting as much entertainment out of it as he perhaps should have been. Girls were fun, but he couldn't help but feel he could be having a lot more fun with Shunsui. He hadn't even had the chance to talk to the man with whom he once spent entire days just talking to. It had been only a few days but he missed him. Ukitake decided that maybe he should ask him if he wanted a night out, after all, they still hadn't had that sake.

* * *

He told Shunsui he could choose the place, so obviously, they weren't going to a bar. He had specified that he wanted a quiet evening, so he immediately rejected the massive-eighth-division-party-bordering-on-a-rave idea. Instead, he was lead first to Shunsui's local watering hole to buy the finest, most expensive (and undoubtedly strongest) bottles he could find, before following him through the streets of Rukongai at an eager pace to a site where he'd discovered him on many an occasion, passed out, after a night's hearty drinking. "This, my friend, is where I've always wanted to take you."

"Then why haven't you brought me here until now?"

"Because you always refused my offers on account of your illness, of course! We haven't been out drinking since our Academy days and I didn't discover this little paradise until about fifty years ago, outrunning an intensely impatient Nanao-chan."

"But I would have come had there not been alcohol involved, you knew I couldn't mix my remedies with sake."

"Trust me, dear Jū-kun, this place isn't the same without sake."

"It's beautiful." The moon was full, bathing the grove in it's cool glow. A small stream flowed slowly downhill, it's gentle sounds filling the night air. The two men sat under a tree, the flowers of which with petals of the same brilliant shade of blue as the midnight sky. As the petals floated delicately downwards, they mingled with those of neighbouring trees, dark blue and vibrant red mixing and dancing before their eyes.

"Isn't it?" Shunsui began uncorking one of the bottles, carefully placing some wine in each of two dishes he set in front of him. Handing one to his friend and drinking his own in less time than it took to pour it, he refilled his, automatically reaching for Ukitake's who had to quickly drink it before handing it to him.

"Are you trying to get me drunk, Shunsui?"

"Of course! Would you mind if we drank from the bottle? Let yourself go for once! My little Jū-kun needs to experience this place in the only way I know how!" Receiving a hesitant nod in response, he handed a newly uncorked bottle to his friend and began drinking his own. "So what have you been getting up to now that you don't have to worry about your illness any more?" Shunsui knew full well what he'd been getting up to but thought it more polite to ask.

"Oh, a little of this, a little of that." Ukitake wondered, going on the look on Shunsui's face, if he knew _exactly_ what he'd been getting up to.

"That hurts, Jū-kun! I thought we were close." Okay, so Shunsui did know exactly what he'd been getting up to. A gulp of a little Dutch Courage helped him reply.

"Nothing you wouldn't do." Ukitake hoped that one _did_ hurt. It did. Nothing a little sake couldn't fix.

"A little mischief never did anyone any harm!"

"You would know. You've had your fair share of 'mischief' through the years." Another swig of alcohol helped him continue. "You've always been out with whatever random girl took your fancy!" More sake. "You're a cad, Shunsui, and you revel in it." Finishing the bottle. "You've no respect for anyone!" New bottle. "You've no respect for me!" He was standing now, outwardly angry at his friend for the first time in his life. "You'd always leave me behind!" Shunsui was standing now too, surprised at this outburst but feeling his own anger flaring within.

"So?! Ever since you got better you haven't said two words to me, instead you've been off gallivanting with whoever took _your_ fancy!"

"Well it wasn't even that much fun, Shunsui! Not without you!" This took the other man a little by surprise. Both took a defeated swig of sake. "Nothing's fun without you, Shunsui, and you don't even care!"

"Of course I care! Who was with you every time you had a sick spell, huh? The one who was there to care for you? Who helped you through every single death that ever happened in your squad? Of course I care, Jū-kun! I wouldn't be here if I didn't!" Both men had now dropped to their knees, Shunsui was holding onto his friend's shoulders, desperately trying to get through to him. "Look at me, Shirō. Of course I care."

"Then why do you always go off with those girls? Sometimes you can be so _blind_." Ukitake grabbed another bottle, having already finished his second, deciding to down it in one.

"Blind, how?"

"You can't even see when someone's _in love _with you, I'd say that qualifies as blind." Shunsui had to try very hard to stop his jaw from hitting the floor. Surprised was an understatement. Sure, he'd always held a fondness for his little Jūshirō but he never in a million years thought it'd be returned. Let alone to this extent.

"How long?"

"Huh?"

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Longer than bears thinking about."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why would I?! You were so obsessed with your girls, an old, decrepit man like me meant _nothing_ to you!" Shunsui grabbed Ukitake in a fierce embrace.

"Jū-kun, for someone renowned for being so smart and understanding, sometimes you can be such an idiot."

"Whaddya mean?" Apparently Jūshirō had finally lost the ability to express himself in his usual eloquent fashion. Who needs to express themselves verbally anyway? Well, when in Rome. Shunsui took his little Jū-kun's face in his hands, closed his eyes and pressed their lips lightly together. Moving one hand to rest around his waist, he felt his little Shirō finally melt into him. Shifting his hand slightly to run through the new, sleek, black hair, he deepened the kiss, slowly leaning him towards the ground without once breaking it. Jūshirō had always dreamed of this moment but nothing could compare to the feeling of finally having him all to himself.

* * *

_A/N_

I failed at this chapter. I apologise for the many, many failures of this. Okay so, I let Ukitake be all eloquent when he's drunk because, well, I am. Seriously, it's weird, but you should read my texts, the grammar's perfect. So I figured that wasn't TOO far-fetched.

Ummm, it's kinda sudden, but that's how stuff like that happens, drink plus shouting equals bucket loads of honesty. It's annoying because it happens ALL THE TIME to me. So I figured that wasn't terribly far-fetched either.

Sorry Orihime kinda drove the story, I know that happens a lot in my stories but she seemed like the only person that could make him not die. Just FYI, I'M NOT BIASED TOWARDS OR AGAINST EITHER ICHIRUKI OR ICHIHIME. Hime just turns up in my work a lot... and I kill off Rukia a lot, sorry! At least she didn't die in this one :)

Oh, yeah! Error code 50 is an error code from DOS, you know, old school operating system and it's the code for the page already exists. It was just a weird coincidence it was such a round number.

I can't believe I wrote the phrase 'fierce embrace' God iFail.

THERE WAS SO MUCH FLUFF IN THIS. I NEED TO WRITE ANGST NOW. Not that I don't like fluff but I'm in a weird place at the moment and I can feel the angst coming on...

Once again, sorry it took so long. I spent too much of this week wasted and on youtube.

**Okay so, requests are SO WELCOME.**

**Genre**: I needa know a genre for your request, fluff, angst, you don't mind etc

**Pairings**: if any, or if you don't mind

**The Request itself lawl: **What if... What would happen if... doesn't really matter how it's worded as long as I get the jist.

SO THANKS FOR READING, TO ALL THE REVIEWERS AND ALERTERS AND FAVERS AND READERS YOU ARE AWESOME. You make my life awesome:

Xx Robocracy


	7. If Orihime was Captain GrimmHime

Disclaimer: DO.NOT.OWN.

Based on a request by HK-Revan;

"Hm...What If...Orihime was a shinigami captain? "

_Title: _Thanks Mr. Yamamoto Sōtaichō sir!

_Rating: _T, probably... I swore. Blame Grimmjow.

_Characters/Pairings_: GrimmHime! Grimmjow Jaegerjaques x Inoue Orihime

_Genre: _Romance & Fluff and large crack doses

_Summary: _What if Orihime was a captain? (And ended up with Grimmjow...?)

* * *

"Hey, Kiyone! Long time no see!"

"Uhhhhh Rukia-san! What are you-"

"Oooh! What's this?" Kiyone managed to turn off the machine before Ukitake and Shunsui got down to anything particularly...graphic. She didn't want Rukia to think she was some sort of yaoi fangirl...

"It's the 'What If Machine'! Look, instructions." She poked the screen.

"So I just ask it a question?" She received a nod in response. "Ummm...What if... oh!" She veritably spasmed with glee at her sudden revelation. "What if Inoue became a shinigami captain?!"

* * *

There was really nothing like a military funeral in Seireitei but one for a captain, that was a whole new level of ceremony. You'd think people like the shinigami would move on quickly, death was in their job title, and they did, but not without one hell of a memorial. This particular death was a surprise to everyone, most people thought she was indestructible, she who could virtually bring back the dead was finally claimed by death itself. It was definitely unexpected but no death was unprepared for in war. She was one of the most loved captains and, as such, her entire squad turned out, accompanied by vast amounts of other shinigami. The captains made an appearance, two of whom were in a state rarely seen by the rest of the Gotei 13, using each other as support as they paid their respects. The main service was an ongoing event, held in a meadow of the Rukongai, shinigami being lead in and out as their numbers prevented any single service from being held. The entire area was draped in white sheets, decorated with flower petals of the same colour. Sheets hung from tree to neighbouring tree forming an almost tent-like structure, supported by lights made of kidō. It was a spectacle burned into the memories of all her knew her. She was a well-liked, well-respected, strong woman whose leadership abilities were next to none. The Captain General was going to find it more than difficult replacing Unohana.

* * *

"So, why are you in my house again?" The messenger sighed. It was a rare occasion where he was asked to deliver a message to the real world but little had he known it would be such a difficult mission.

"The Commander General, Yamamoto-Genryūsai Shigekuni-sama requests your presence immediately in the court of pure souls, a special Senkaimon has already been set up and he awaits your response."

"Well of course I'll come but do you know what he wants? He could have just talked to me on the screen upstairs, why do you think he wants to see me in person? Is it because I just got back from the Hollow World? Maybe he thinks I'm a spy!"

"I am afraid I do not know, I am just a messenger." He sighed again. What was she expecting him to know anyway? "If you would meet with him, please follow me to Soul Society as I am to escort you through the Severing World."

"Oh...umm, okay but do I need to go right now? I guess I don't really have anything special to do but it's still a bit short notice." Realising that her random babbling didn't really mean anything to the confused messenger, she clarified, "I'll come now if you want. Uhh... lead the way?"

* * *

"Inoue Orihime, I will be blunt. We are in a time of war and we are in need of your assistance. Recently, as you may or may not be aware, we have suffered the loss of the captain of fourth division, Unohana Retsu. We believe that she has only one successor who can fill her shoes. We believe that person is you. Although you may not technically be a shinigami, you have powers more valuable to us than you yourself may know. You do not have a zanpakutō nor can you perform any of the demon arts but I am assured that the powers you do possess are more than enough to fulfil the role as captain of fourth division."

Orihime made a sort of unintelligible squeak before replying with an uncharacteristic (and a bit rude), "Huh?"

"Having consulted the other captains of the Gotei 13 and on the recommendations from other shinigami, I am offering you, Inoue Orihime, as Sōtaichō and ruler of Soul Society in the absence of the Central 46, to take the position as taichō of squad four."

"But... I'm only just back home and I'm still a human! I can't... I'm not dead!"

"If you do not wish to help Soul Society, we understand. It is a great deal to ask of you, because if you did decide to become captain we would have to insist that you remained in Soul Society."

"So you mean, I'd have to die?"

"Not necessarily, but you would have to live here, so that you are able to run your division efficiently. That would involve you leaving your human life behind, for now, at least."

"But you really think I'm the best person for the job?" He sighed, desperately trying not to say 'Why would I ask you if you weren't... DUH.'

"Yes."

"Then... I guess I accept." Yamamoto really wanted to know why Unohana had personally requested that Orihime succeed her. Something about seeing her abilities or something, he wasn't really paying attention, he trusted her, but he was starting to wonder if that trust was well-founded.

* * *

There was really nothing like an inauguration in Seireitei but one for a captain, that was a whole new level of ceremony. The shinigami were still in a mild state of shock following the death of the previous head of fourth division but they moved on quickly, they had to. They already had enough fukutaichō as acting-captains without adding another to the list. There was a lot of surprise following the appointment of a former-ryoka, non-shinigami, no bankai _or_ shikai, hair-clip-wielding, alive, human, 15-year-old girl. Much outrage came from noble families but most of Soul Society were more curious than anything else, for someone as strict as Yamamoto to break so many rules... there must be a damn good reason. This curiosity caused a rather large turn out at the ceremony itself. Aside from the captains and vice-captains, hundreds of shinigami, including the entirety of her soon-to-be division came along. It was held in the square outside first division, the shinigami packed in like sardines, trying not to pass out from the heat of so many bodies crushed together under the midday sun (or from the boring long-winded speech Yamamoto was currently reading, his monotone providing a lullaby for the shinigami who managed to find a seat.)

Orihime was currently standing beside Yamamoto, fully clothed in the black shihakushō of the shinigami, awaiting the presentation of her white haori. She scanned the audience, some were yawning, some fanning themselves with any random piece of paper they could find but most were staring at her. Evaluating her with their eyes. She really didn't want to know the conclusions they were coming to. To be quite honest, she'd never felt this nervous in her life. Everyone was looking at her, their eyes boring into her, acknowledging her every flaw, she felt like some weird carnival attraction or something. She hadn't been back in the real world five seconds before they made her come here. If she'd known that as soon as they rescued her she'd be subjected to this, she probably would have stayed in Hueco Mundo. She wished he would just get on with it so she could get her haori and figure out where the heck she lived now, no-one had bothered telling her where the captains live, as if it was obvious or something. She hoped it was pretty... she really hoped Hitsugaya and Matsumoto would take care of her house while she was gone. Of course they would! She trusted them with her life, she could trust them with her house. She'd trusted them with it the entire time she was gone, which ended up being a lot longer than planned considering the first two failed rescue attempts-

"I repeat, Inoue Orihime, I present you with this haori as a symbol of the responsibility you now hold as captain of fourth division." Her eyes snapped to his as the heat rushed to her face while she let out a nervous giggle.

"Oh, ummm thanks! Thanks Mr. Yamamoto Sōtaichō sir!" She could have sworn she saw him mentally face-palm. He couldn't help but wonder who's great idea this was. Whoever suggested this was definitely going to get introduced to Ryūjin Jakka.

* * *

The crowd slowly dissipated after the ceremony was over and Orihime (Or Inoue-taichō which people kept addressing her as and which just sounded _weird_) was being lead by one of the members of her division to her new office. She was lead through, what was basically, a hospital. There were wings upon wings of sick and dying shinigami and she was walking through, ignoring their suffering. She turned to the man she was with, "Do I have to go right now? I mean, there's people that need healed here!"

"You have to trust us, Inoue-taichō, we can take care of these people. For now you must meet your fukutaichō."

"Okay..." Winding their way through beds and ending up at a door with a Bellflower symbol painted on it, they entered the room. It was an extremely large, high-ceilinged office, the two solitary desks dwarfed by the size of the three ornate windows taking up three of the four large walls, overlooking the hospital. "I don't understand... we're at the end of the wing, how come I can see all the patients through this?"

"Clever, isn't it? Urahara-taichō designed it for Unohana-taichō while he was still head of twelfth. You can see all the patients in all the wings through it and it comes in really handy when squad eleven are causing hassle or if there's an emergency that requires our attention."

"Kotetsu-fukutaichō! When did you get here? I mean, hi! I'm your new taichō! I'm really sorry about Unohana-san, really! I hope we can get along well, I don't want to replace Unohana-taichō, I just wanted to help Soul Society and...I'm rambling again, sorry!" Isane and the man who Orihime had forgotten to ask the name of exchanged a look that vaguely resembled that of Yamamoto.

"Thank you, Taro-kun, you are dismissed." So that was his name, she really should have asked, she'll have to learn them all eventually anyway, but she supposed there were more pressing matters at hand, like how she has nowhere to live and has to run an entire division single handedly and is practically now a shinigami and her head's about to explode.

"Ummm, Kotetsu-san-"

"You can call me Isane, if we're to have a professional relationship, we might as well be on friendly terms, don't you think, Inoue-taichō?" Orihime smiled.

"Then you can call me Orihime! I'm not used to all this Inoue-taichō stuff, actually, it's freaking me out a bit-" Mid-sentence, her attention was drawn to a particularly large bang and an explosion shown in the middle of one of the screens. "It has sound?!"

"No...it's coming from Wing 5! That's the one right by here, I think..."

"Y-Yes, of course!" They burst through the door only to be confronted with a massive dust cloud. An apparently very angry dust cloud.

"What the FUCK?! Why'd you bring him here? I don't care if he's in chains, you should have killed him when you had the chance!"

"SHUT UP, RENJI! I don't know why I saved him, okay? Why the hell would I know? I just did, okay?! Now get out of my way before I MAKE you get out of my way! Who the fuck releases Bankai in a freaking HOSPITAL anyway?!"

"GOD ICHIGO! Sometimes you just don't make even the tiniest bit of sense at ALL, you know that?! Look at his face! He didn't even want to be saved!"

"I SAID SHUT UP! AND GET ZABIMARU OUT OF MY FACE!"

"Err, Kurosaki-kun?"

"WHAT?! YOU WANT A PIECE?! Oh! Inoue-san! I was looking for you! Could you heal him please? He's going to die..."

"Oh of course! Who is it?" Before he had an opportunity to answer, the dust cleared. "Grimmjow...?! Uhh, Kurosaki-kun...?"

"I'll explain later, could you please just heal him for now? You got any of those reiatsu restraining cuffs because you'll probably need them..."

"Just put him on that bed there, Isane-san! Could you please go get some of the handcuffs Kurosaki-kun mentioned?"

"H-hai!" Isane, not one to disobey a direct order, ran off to find the strongest pair of cuffs they had, all the while wondering what exactly Unohana-taichō would have done in such a situation. Although she was compassionate, she was a shinigami. She probably would have annihilated him on sight as he would have been a threat to her other patients and no-one, _no-one_ messes with her patients... no-one mess_ed _with her patients. She sighed. She couldn't help but miss the woman, she was her idol. Grabbing the cuffs she shunpo'ed back to Orihime. The girl couldn't even _shunpo_ for god's sake. Though she was powerful, she'd improved a lot during her stay at Hueco Mundo. When she returned, Grimmjow was already lying on a bed. Unable to restrain herself, she asked, "why haven't you started yet?"

"I was waiting for you, of course. I didn't want to get anyone hurt so I waited for the cuffs. Nothing's more important than the safety of the people here, even if it did upset Kurosaki-kun a little, but at least I healed Kurosaki-kun and Abarai-kun's injuries." She'd already healed them both? She'd only been gone for about 30 seconds. At least she was powerful. Before she'd even had a chance to blink, an orange glow enveloped the room and a fierce look of determination appeared on her new taichō's face. Having already placed the cuffs on the severely injured patient, she watched as time seemed to reverse to the point where Grimmjow, having been close to death, was perfectly healed in a matter of seconds.

"Woman." That voice still sent shivers down Orihime's spine, from the first time she'd met the man in her early days of captivity. "Wanna explain where the fuck I am?" Those bright blue eyes glared daggers at her in the most characteristically Grimmjow way possible and for a second she forgot everyone else was standing there. She felt like she was back in Hueco Mundo, under their control, under _his_ control. For some reason, she didn't really feel fear, but more a sense of nostalgia. She wasn't the kind of person to get Stockholm Syndrome but he_ was_ the only one in the whole of that horrible place that had ever been nice to her. Even if it did come at a price. She didn't care if it was weird but she did miss him a little, even if everywhere he went destruction followed, at least he broke the monotony. She was a nice person, she liked everyone, even if they wouldn't mind stabbing her in the back, or anywhere for that matter, or already did that to a friend of hers, or almost killed another friend of hers... more than once. She wasn't saying she was actually _glad _to see him but she couldn't help it if her stay in the Hollow's world had changed her a little.

* * *

"Kurosaki Ichigo, would you care to explain why on earth you have brought a Hollow, let alone an Arrancar, let alone an _Espada _into Soul Society?"

"You wouldn't understand even if I told you." A death glare isn't the kind of thing one would generally want to receive from Yamamoto but apparently Ichigo was strong enough now to withstand his crushing reiatsu.

"If you do not give me a suitable explanation, I will have him executed immediately." Even Ichigo, with his ridiculously bad sense of perception, knows when he's walking on thin ice.

"Fine. You know when we finally got Inoue-san back? Well ever since I protected him from Nnoitra, Aizen thinks that he's become disloyal. In case you hadn't noticed, he's been wandering around the real world generally causing me trouble for no good reason and I didn't find out he'd been kicked out until today, I confronted him about it, we got into another major brawl but I didn't want to kill him on the off chance he wanted to fight with us because he hates Aizen as much as we do and because he's a strong fighter. Is that a good enough reason?"

"Did you not think to consult me before bringing such a threat to our doorstep? This is well outside of your jurisdiction-"

"He was dying, would you rather I let him die? We've got no idea what happens to hollows on his level when they die and it's too risky trying to find out, anyway, his reiatsu might not be strong or we may not even ever find him in the Rukongai so I just brought him here. I mean, you can kill him if you want to but I feel a bit sorry for the guy, even if he is an ass hole."

"You're excused."

"Uhh... huh?"

"If you can bring him to our side, then he can live. If not, he will be removed."

"Oh, okay. Thanks, Yama-ji!" Ichigo was gone from his sight before he was able to skewer him. If the boy wasn't so damn strong he would have gone all wrathful-Yama on his ass. Kids these days...

* * *

Three days he'd been stuck there. Three days he'd been stuck in that bed in that stupid hospital. Three days he'd spent staring through that stupid barrier. They said it was so he couldn't do anything without them knowing about it but he knew he was just a spectacle to these people. No privacy, no freedom and no reiatsu. It was like living in Hueco Mundo all over again... but worse. He wasn't the kind of person you could cage, he was wild dammit! Stupid shinigami kept coming up to the barrier and pointing at him and laughing but one feral snarl and they were running for their lives. He didn't even really know why he was there in the first place, it's not like Aizen ever told him anything so what the fuck kind of use was he supposed to be anyway? He kinda just wanted to be put out of his misery.

All he could do was sit and stare at the most boring ward ever invented. However, in that ward there was only one thing that was not entirely boring. And damn, she was hot. Back when she was in his care, he thought he didn't give a shit whether she lived or died, and he didn't, not really, but he kinda missed her when she was gone. Well obviously Grimmjow Jaegerjaques doesn't miss people but she was the only person he'd ever bothered to talk to that didn't involve a lot of smack-talk and insults. Aizen had reassigned her to his care because Ulquiorra was doing a piss-poor job, and at first he complained but he kinda grew accustomed to her. She was unique. He stared at her now and vaguely wondered why she hadn't spoken to him since the first day he got there. It's not like he wanted her to talk to him but it's the kind of thing that she would do. He didn't really want to admit to himself that he was a bit pissed she hadn't talked to him seeing as he talked to her all the time when she was his prisoner. He just decided to stare at her until she spoke to him.

He couldn't help but notice that when other people weren't there, the naivety was totally gone from her eyes. You know, the look she wore when she first arrived at dear old Hueco Mundo, hoping her friends would come save the little damsel in distress. All that was gone now. She was traumatised, and it gave him a sense of satisfaction to know that he was the one who had done it. Sure, Aizen helped, but he was the one who'd killed people right in front of her. He wasn't sadistic, he just liked the fact that he'd shown her the real world, and that, no matter how much he saw her resist it, she kinda liked it.

* * *

The infamous Grimmjow Jaegerjaques, Sexta Espada and all round bad ass. Constant reminder of how much her life has changed. She used to be Inoue Orihime, kind, clumsy but generally useless. Now she was a lot different. She was in prison, in prison with a bunch of murderers, that tends to change you. She didn't let her friends see, but she was different from them. Her senses of right and wrong ended up being totally blurred, the Espada were just following orders, just like the shinigami. Maybe they shouldn't have left her there for so long. She didn't blame them, but bringing her hopes up and having them smashed was bad once, but twice, that was beyond worse. It took them so long to mount the third attempt that she'd already given up hope.

Of course she missed her friends when she was there but even friendship fades into nothing when apathy takes over. When she was told Grimmjow was going to be her guardian she was worried, well, as worried as someone who'd just descended into apathy surrounding half of her friends almost dying and failing to rescue her could be. Then she told herself, he beat those girls up for her, well he mutilated them, forcing her to bring them back to life but still, the sentiment was there. After that, no matter how many times they turned up, he'd always be there to fend them off. In the Hollows' world, she'd experienced things that she couldn't even begin to express in words, and the only thing anchoring her to the world was the man that she'd refused to talk to since he appeared in her division.

It wasn't her fault she fell for him, but she thought that she'd get over it when she didn't have to see him any more. It had barely been a week since she'd gotten back home before she had to see him. Aside from the fact she noticed his reiatsu wandering around Karakura pretty much as soon as she got back. She was actually a little pissed that he hadn't come to see her. But hollows don't have feelings, so what exactly was it she was expecting from him? Sure, they'd spent nights just talking about everything and nothing in particular, but apparently that meant a lot more to her than it did to him. He was probably just trying to make sure she didn't do anything stupid, keeping her quiet, repaying the debts for all the times she had to heal something or reattach a random limb he'd become so lacklustre about losing since he knew he'd get it back pretty easily. She became really good at healing because of him, actually, it was probably his fault she ended up being a captain.

Her excuse for not talking to him was that she was busy and she was damn well going to stick to it. She has a whole division to run, hearts and minds to win, a tiny apartment to redecorate, all sorts of things. She wasn't avoiding him.

* * *

She was avoiding him. It had been a week now and she still had her goddamn subordinates changing his bandages, he didn't even needbandages, apparently it was just procedure. Whatever. He was going to get her attention whether she wanted him to or not. "Grimmjow-san, can I please change your bandages?"

"Fuck off kid, I don't even _need_ these fuckin' things." That said, he grabbed the kid by the neck. He knew she had some way of seeing him because any time she was in her office and some trouble started she was there in a heartbeat.

"Grimmjow, I will neither let you manhandle nor speak in that way to my subordinate. You are my patient, remember? Your life's in my hands." In Grimmjow's mind, all he could think was how funny she looked when she did her captain thing. Then he remembered his objective.

"Hey, woman, can you tell the kid to fuck off for me then? I wanna speak to ya." She politely nodded to the healer and pulled the 360 curtain closed (which was just out of Grimmjow's reach, just outside the barrier).

"You should really be nicer to people, you can be mean sometimes."

"No shit, Sherlock. Look, I just wanna ask ya somethin'."

"Ummm, okay..."

"Why are ya avoidin' me?"

"I'm not-"

"Every day you check on every patient in this ward at least once. I've seen ya. Every patient, except one." He then proceeded to put his hand in the air and wave it around a bit. "Also, ya closed the curtain, what are ya scared of? Scared your little friends might know that they rescued ya a bit too late?"

"They weren't too late! And I wasn't avoiding you! Leave my friends alone! And you're the one staring at me all the time anyway!"

"I don't _stare_."

"Okay, Grimmjow. Just stop it, okay?"

"Ya still haven't answered me, ya know."

"Just leave me alone, Grimmjow..." she turned to leave but he grabbed her wrist.

"Why are ya cryin'?" It was a question he'd asked her more than once in the past (even though he told himself he didn't give a shit and was just trying to play nice because Aizen would kill him if he didn't). This made her cry even more.

"Everything's all wrong, Grimmjow! I was supposed to come back and everything was supposed to go back to normal but now I have people counting on me and loads of work to do and then you're here which just keeps reminding me of how I'm just not like I used to be!"

"But the thing is, ya don't wanna be the person ya useta be. Even though it's fucked up, and it makes no sense, _you miss Hueco Mundo._" The look she gave him was enough of a confirmation. She did miss it, and she couldn't go back.

"But the thing is, Grimmjow, there's only one reason I miss it."

"Yeah? What's that?" He didn't even know why he asked because he didn't even know why he cared. No, he didn't care, of course he didn't care, why the fuck would he care?

"You." Oh, that's probably why he cared. Why the fuck did she miss him? Even he knew he was a bastard, he practically set out _to be_ a bastard. And he was a fucking psychopathic, murderous, soulless, heartless bastard. Why did he care if she missed him? He fucking cared didn't he? He mentally punched himself in the face, then pulled her by the wrist he hadn't bothered letting go of and pulled her into his lap. Still being forced to wear the cuffs, he put his arms over her head and around her waist and, completely ignoring her perplexed look, kissed her, well, that's the technical term for it but he was pretty much just ravaging her mouth. He didn't even give a shit when Ichigo turned up and asked him if he wanted to join their side, he just said something along the lines of 'yeah whatever, fuck off' and got down to business.

Orihime couldn't help but wonder if the life of a captain could get any more complicated even if you added in some random quadratic equations or decided to ask Schrödinger over for tea.

* * *

OH MY GOD IT'S SO LONG. And I'm not happy with it... cas it makes no sense ;-;

Sorry .

So, this made no sense but it was just an excuse to write Grimmhime. DAMN YOU RENEGADE RAINE. She inspired me. Blame her.. xD

Okay, I called the guy Taro because I was feeling lazy, I pretty much just called him Dave. Lawl.

If you're confused just wikipedia Schrödinger... or his cat. (I put that as a pointless answer on a pub quiz and I spelled it right even though I was insanely wasted. EVEN THE DOTS. That's grammar nazi skill for you.)

IT'S SO LONG.

I'm so sorry I just kept FUCKING WRITING... this story evolved out of nowhere like a pokemon you weren't even training.

This is what happens when you give me free reign with a request. Lawl. Sorry. XD I pretty much strayed COMPLETELY from the request, but it was short so shush.

And I know it took forever to come out so sorry but I had a convention to go to AND IT'S SO LONG.

I have to re-read this now. ;-;

**Okay so, requests are SO WELCOME.**

**Genre**: I needa know a genre for your request, fluff, angst, you don't mind etc

**Pairings**: if any, or if you don't mind

**The Request itself lawl: **What if... What would happen if... doesn't really matter how it's worded as long as I get the jist

I love the people who reviewed/faved/alerted/read this more than life. I need to know what you guys think of this.. a lot.

Btw, I kinda have two more requests to do and I'm going to -try- to do them soon but I have a hectic week ahead and don't even know if I'll be near a computer...o.o

ANYWAY. THANKS.

Xx ROBOCRACY!


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Bleach, Humor, Romance