Elfen Lied 1. Chapter 1

ELFEN LIED FANFICTION

Note to readers: This is a very fucked up crossover of Evil Dead, Aria and Elfen Lied. Keep in mind that I may or may not finish this story. It all depends on how much work load I am bombarded with over the semester. With that being said, please review the story . Constructive criticism is always welcomed in my books, constuctive _flaming _is acceptable too, just don't make it too brutally pointless.

Chapter One

Lucy awoke with a throbbing pain in her head- a feeling that transcended the normal boundaries of a headache and turned it the equivalent of a benign tumor pressing upon the edges of the skull.

A cool breeze welcomed her awakening with a gentle stroke on the cheek.

Maybe it was mid autumn? It was mid autumn the last time she saw Kouta.

Kouta.

Wait a second, she remembered bits and pieces of the events that played out before she was knocked out. Her mind went over the images like a crazy CCG collector riffling through mint condition cards.

First she went grocery shopping. That was one, then she remembered strolling out into the parking lot with a cart full of groceries- mostly vegetables for that part.

After that...

Her mind snapped back from her memories of semi-domestic bliss and lost its train of thought. Everything after was a muddy blur.

She felt craggly concrete under her and rubbed it furtively.

It suddenly occured to her that she was lying in a slightly tangled up position in the fashion of a thrown out rag doll. Did she break anything?

The breeze brushed against her cheek insistently as she did a full body scan of herself.

She had sprained a wrist. Not bad, compared to the injuries she sustained a year ago during her stand off with Kakuzawa's army. That particular incident had landed her into the intensive care unit for over six months, not to mention the so-called 'clinic' she was admitted into was a shady privately owned business- rife with rusty surgical tools and the smell of rot.

Or maybe it was just the horrible perfume the female 'doctor' wore. It didn't matter. What mattered was that they fished out the bullets out of her with maximum efficiency, (not to mention a maximum tax on Kouta's wallet) and with minimum exposure to the outside world. The whole shebang was located in the basement of some long forgotten restaurant.

She shook her head and felt a painful throb of wet cement bounce around the annals of her skull. Her vectors were twitching spastically, not exactly cutting or grabbing anything, but still fast enough to knock out anyone that was standing within a two meter radius.

The world slowly unfolded around her as her vision cleared with the synonymous slowing of her spastic vectors.

'_Where...in the world am I?'_ Lucy thought groggily as she witnessed the strange water canal laden metropolis in front of her. The houses were built in the fashion of middle class Venice, with stucco walls and the occasional stick out house with obnoxious colours.

Lucy turned her eyes towards the sky and gave a little gasp as she saw an _island _floating in the air. There was some kind of biomorphic structure located on top of the hovering piece of land, with outstretching wires shooting out into nowhere in particular.

Aircraft hovered lazily around the structure with no apparent purpose in mind other than to hover lazily around the thing.

Lucy's vectors finally gained enough control to shrink themselves into her body.

'_This...must...be some kind of dream.'_ She thought in between pulsing throbs in her head. There was no fucking _way _this could be real. The whole place had a sort of unearthly calm to it, as if...

'_As if the gravity was reduced.'_ Lucy concluded as she struggled to her feet.

Her heightened Diclonius senses made out the ever so slight change in gravity. Her vertical jump could have easily increased by one centimetre or more if this were indeed reality.

Lucy rubbed her bruised pelvis and winced. She had landed on some kind of slanted surface, further disorienting her as she abruptly sat back down in an effort to regain her balance.

It was a roof.

She had landed on a _roof _of all things.

Lucy glanced at the spinning bronze rooster weather vane and expressed deep appreciation that she did not land on the razor sharp thing.

The roof was coloured a cheerful looking aquamarine, which danced in her eyes a little bit before resuming to its normal flatness. The shingles were immaculate, as if the house had never even heard of the concept of a 'storm.'

Lucy gripped the cheerful shingles and staggered up again, only to lose her balance.

She couldn't really sit down this time though, as she leaned too forward for any sort of bodily compensation.

She proceeded to fall face first into an equally immaculate wooden deck that seemed to gleam with a maniacal and overly cheerful zing.

Her vectors reacted when her face was one inch from certain shattering.

A vector desperately slammed down into the wooden boards, creating a rather noticeable indent in the once immaculate wood. It stopped Lucy's face from getting shattered, but it didn't fully cancel out the impact, as blood was steadily pouring out of her nose in a cheeky stream.

Lucy clutched her nose and cursed as she plopped herself against the wooden wall, which turned out to be some kind of steel made to _look _like wood. A rounded nautical window plucked directly from Jules Vernes' novels glared down at her as if to accuse her of the damage she caused to the wooden floor.

Lucy removed her hand from her nose and glared down accusingly at the bright red blood that stained her hands. The throbbing pain in her head was now accompanied by a symphony of stinging pain that permeated throughout her nose.

A melodic sounding voice belonging to a girl of about fifteen or sixteen suddenly chimed out, ' President Aria! We're going off to the market today to get you some new food!'

A response consisting of a joyful sounding , 'Pui Nui!' cut through Lucy's sensitive ears as she laid low, desperate not to be seen by the potential Pollyanna that was about to pass by.

A pretty and cute looking (and when Lucy thought 'cute', it meant a lot. Nana wasn't cute. She was simply obnoxious.) girl in a funny looking futuristic bastardization of the traditional sailor suit strolled over with an incredibly obese cat, which was quite sprightly despite its immense size.

The girl was still yammering on about how many new people she would meet in the market place until Lucy gave a peculiar sounding 'hic' from swallowing too much of her nosebleed.

The girl froze for a moment, 'President Aria, I think somebody's on the other side of the deck...'

Lucy knew it would be futile to engage the girl in an endless ring around the rosy hide and seek chase, so she wobbled out of her hiding place and faced the music.

A look of bemusement crept over the pink haired girl's oh-so-kawaii face as she chimed, 'Oh! Who are you? What are you doing here?'

Lucy tried to articulate an unruly tongue as she swept away a pink bang, 'I...erm...what is this place?'

It came out more like,' Whub ih dis blaze?'

The pink haired girl frowned, ' Your nose is bleeding! I think you'd better go inside.'

Lucy was feeling a little lightheaded, so she nodded slightly, followed by another slight _blub._

Lucy was led into a pleasant looking kitchen with a picturesque glass table in the middle of the room. As expected of the house, everything was immaculately cleaned to the point of being _painfully _clean.

Lucy winced a little as the oven gleamed at her in a wide toothed grin.

'Wait...where did Alicia sempai put the medical kit...' The pink haired girl was fumbling around in a shelf that seemed to contain endless amounts of cooking ingredients and sweets, which were most likely meant for the cat.

Lucy clasped her hands over her nose.

The bleeding had stopped, but her hands had the look of a child's hand after a chaotic session of palm painting.

A soft _thump _awoke Lucy from her reverie as the pink haired girl set down an expensive looking white box . The cat was purring in a low voice at her feet as she fished out silky looking gauze and put it in front of Lucy, 'Just...put them in your nose. That should stop the bleeding. Aria Shachou, what _is it?_'

It was the first time Lucy had detected anything remotely close to negativity in her voice.

The obese cat was pulling at the pink haired girl's bastardized sailor uniform as it chirruped noisily in its usual pui nui nui tirade.

'Oh, we have visitors?' The pink haired girl glanced at a particularly large rectangular open window and saw a serious faced young man with a ridiculously large pony tail swinging to and fro from the sea breeze.

'Yo. Pigtails. Is Alicia home today?'

Pigtails gave a small annoyed pout and said in a whiny but not unpleasant voice, 'My name's not _pigtails!_ It's Akari.! Stop calling me that...'

In a superhuman blur that astonished even Lucy, ponytail man slipped through the window and grabbed Akari's pink and conditioned hair in a way that was slightly disturbing.

Lucy's vectors twitched.

'Can you give me a tour of the city while we wait for Alicia to come home?'

'I'm...afraid I can't do that. I've got somebody here...I think she's lost.'

Ponytail man turned his attention to Lucy, who was looking quite ridiculous with two wads of gauze shoved in her nose, ' Oh...is she one of your friends pigtails?'

Lucy removed the two pieces of gauze from her nose and spoke slowly, for fear that any sudden movement would cause a waterfall of blood to pour out from her nose, 'I have _no _idea how I got here...one minute I was in the parking lot of a shopping center, and then...'

'_Shopping center?'_ Ponytail man furrowed his brow and put his finger on his chin in a rather foppish attempt to look scholarly, 'There's no shopping centers here as far as I'm concerned...there's only ones on Manhome...'

'Manhome?' Lucy slurred. She played around with the word in her mouth as she tried to articulate the alien feel of the word combination, 'Are you aliens or something?'

'Akatsuki san is talking about...what is that old term for Manhome...Earth? Yes. He's talking about Earth. Are you from Earth?' Akari asked gently.

Lucy leapt from the fairytale styled wooden chair as she opened her eyes wide, 'Earth!? What are you talking about!? Am I on some other planet...or something?'

Akari bit her lip in the cutest fashion possible and crossed her hands behind her back, 'You're on Mars right now...I ...do you have amnesia?'

Lucy sputtered helplessly as she pondered whether or not this was some kind of a cruel joke.

Akatsuki twitched his lips in a fashion not too far removed from Captain Bligh , 'Ummm...maybe it would be best if you...erm...explained your situation to us...'

Lucy opened and closed her mouth like a dying fish and slowly lowered her voice from an archetype anime helium filled voice into her normal slightly husky tone, ' Just curious...' she glanced around the room and saw some pieces of advanced technology that she had never seen before.

Feeling slightly stupid, she muttered, 'What year is this?'

Akari raised an eyebrow and said, 'It's the year two thousand three hundred and fifty. Why do you ask?'

Lucy felt as if an invisible cartoon gloved hand had shoved itself straight into her stomach. This _had _to be a dream. There was no explanation for this plot directly lifted from Back to the Future.

'Somebody fucking _pinch _me. This is not real...' Lucy stumbled a bit and almost fell on her bottom. Akatsuki rushed over in his trademark manly grace and prepared himself to steady the shell shocked Diclonius. Lucy was busily babbling something about how all she had to do was bump her head on something to snap out of her dream.

A vector induced punch to the forehead did the trick of knocking her out.

Lucy inexplicably slumped forward and collapsed on the floor, cancelling out any use Akatsuki might have had in standing behind Lucy.

The last thing she heard was a horrified (albeit rather kawaii) gasp from Akari as she hit the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

LUCY IN AQUALAND PART 2

Note: Please review. Author likes reviews, even ones that bash the story.

Lucy awoke _again_ in a feathery and rather comfortable bed. The smell of floral perfume wafted around the bed as Lucy's battered nostrils were assaulted with slight scents of peach and strawberry.

She _hated _peaches. Never really could explain why.

Maybe it was because of the rotten canned peaches she consumed almost daily in the orphanage?

Lucy's brain was sharp now.

Well, _almost _as sharp as it was before. She still felt a little woozy, but she finally realized the full gravity of the shit she was in.

It was not a dream, nor was it some kind of hallucination.

Or _was it?_

For all she knew, Kakuzawa could have captured her and decided to perform little brain tests on her just for kicks.

Lucy stumbled out of bed and felt the cool floor underneath her bare feet. She suddenly realized she was clad in a silk nightie. _So _silky in fact, that it almost felt like eels were climbing all over her.

Her original clothes were _somewhere,_ presumably in the dryer or the-

Lucy's head snapped over the hanger in the corner of the room and found her ripped and tattered clothing draped neatly (like damn near everything in the house.) over a porcelain arm that ended with a sparkling gold knob.

Lucy rolled her eyes in disgust as she stood up on her feet. She wondered a little bit about _why...whats-her-name_ Akari didn't gape at her horns. Maybe Dicloniuses coexisted with humans in the future?

The answer immediately hit her full force as her eyes darted over to a several neko nightcaps sitting on the drawers.

'_She thought I was wearing some kind of...what's that word...kawaii headdress...how quaint...'_

Her paranoid nature returning to her full force, ( Lucy almost pictured her evil alter ego putting up an 'open' sign on her little mental shop of horrors..) She checked the side of the bed for any tell tale sign of drugging or poisons. If that little pink haired bitch poisoned her...

Lucy found a folded piece of paper perched on the bed stand. It read, '_ Dear visitor with the cat ears. We've got customers today, so we're returning at the end of the day. Please make yourself at home. Dinner's in the fridge. Love, Akari and Alicia.'_ There was also a little cat paw print beside the two names, which invariably suggested the presence of the fat cat.

Lucy felt a tinge of annoyance that almost boiled over to homicidal rage when she read the word, 'Cat Ears.' She repeated the mantra Kouta taught her whenever she felt her primal instincts to rip people apart come up, '_ I will not kill. I will control my temper...I will not kill...I will control my temper...'_

Lucy's anger was slowly replaced by a sort of morbid curiosity towards the two girls' professions.

_Customers?_

Were they naval costume fetish prostitutes or something? Lucy snorted at the thought as she padded downstairs. They were apparently row boaters or something of the type. _Gondoliers?_ Was that some kind of newfangled sport in the future?

Lucy felt a little surprised at her own calmness at her current predicament. But, _much _worse things have happened to her than being stuck in futuristic Pollyanna's house. Besides, she felt the slightest. _Slightest,_ mind you, bit of appreciation at the hospitality of the strangers. She still harboured a deep suspicion of whether they _really _went for their customers _or _ whether they ran off to the police station to complain about the horned freak in their house.

Lucy thought about that fat cat and how weird it looked as she wandered out into the immaculately scrubbed deck. It was night time, and there was more than one moon floating in the sky.

Guess they weren't kidding about being on Mars.

Lucy frowned deeply and retreated into the house. At the back of her head, she wondered how much Kouta worried about her. Could he somehow be _relieved _she was gone? One more burden off of his back?

Lucy shook her head violently and woke up the sleeping headache. She _had _to stop thinking negatively one of these days...

The blue haired heir of the Himeya Company shuddered and gasped with a full complement of cold sweat as the terrifying cleft chinned man with the chainsaw arm advanced on her.

'Can _somebody _please tell me _where the hell I AM!?'_ Bellowed the man in a voice that sounded old and worn. His vocal cords seemed one the verge of the collapsing from screaming in utter hysteria.

Aika swallowed hard and looked at the other pairs and singles that cowered against the wall of the immense villa. She managed to squeak out, ' Your on...Neo Venezia-

'WHAT THE FUCK IS NEO VENEZIA!?' The chainsaw armed man's voice cracked a little at the last 'a'.

Aika brushed a loose strand of blue hair nervously away from her perspiring forehead. Gulping profusely, she said, 'Calm down, calm down...you know where mars is, right?'

Chainsaw Man 's forehead vein popped out comically as he laughed hoarsely, 'This is _great, just GREAT!_ Just when I was transported back from medieval times, I get warped to Mars! _Mars!_ What do you want _now!?_ Are Deadites bothering you or something along those LINES!?' Aika looked at the bulging vein and feared for the possibility of a stroke.

'We...erm...why don't you have a seat...' Aika motioned desperately for a brunette single to move a wooden chair into place. She herself would sneak into the lounge and call 911...

'Don't even _think _about calling the authorities.' The chainsaw armed man said in a hoarse voice, 'I've got enough crap on my hands as it is...'

Aika stared at the chainsaw and waited for any sudden movement. She would evade it, but would she be fast enough? The man looked quite fit...maybe he would disembowel her before she had a chance to blink, with all her bloody intestines hanging on the floor like raw sausages-

'This is some kind of sick joke, right? Right?' The man looked around for confirmation, 'C'mon, if it's kind of prank, this has gone on...far...enough...' The man flicked his head violently over at Aika, who was slowly backing away towards the lounge room.

Aika gave a pathetic little squeak and eeped out a little phrase that sounded like, 'Mommy.'

The chainsaw handed man plunked down on the wooden chair that the single provided.

'This has been...a _loooong _week.' He sighed and tapped his chainsaw on the handle of the chair, 'By the way, the name's Ash, pleased to meet ya.'

Aika's eyes were still glazed and staring into some kind of blank limbo as she slowly got up from her knees. She could only manage a few choking sounds as she tried to camouflage herself into the other trainees, which didn't really work, considering there were a little less than twenty terrified undines in the room.

Ash frowned and muttered, 'Well, at least you didn't throw me in prison or anything...' He lurched out of the seat with the energy of a ninety year old man, 'I'd better get going now. Get a better feel of my surroundings.'

Aika managed to sputter out, 'Wha-wha-what are you going to do with that...thing on your hand?'

'Oh, this? It's out of gas. I can't use it even if I wanted to.'

'B-b-b-b-b-b...but why are you carrying it?' Aika's nervousness decreased its level by about one percent. Now that she thought about it, Ash didn't really seem like a mean person...

'I lost my hand to some...evil spirit. Don't ask.' Ash removed the contraption with a click and showed Aika the unsightly stump, 'See? Handicapped.' He snapped the chainsaw back in place, shrugged, and gave a little wave, 'See ya around little lady. I _would _give you some sugar, but you're too young for me.

And with that, Ash stalked down the curving stairway with his boots clunking away brutally at the weatherworn wood.

Aika wiped a bit of sweat off her forehead and slumped against the wall, 'It is at times like this...that I really want some of Akari's embarrassing comments...' Two pairs helped her up as she sighed heavily, 'I don't really _think _he's a maniac or anything. He doesn't really have that crazy glint in his eye...'

A sudden crash downstairs made Aika jump three feet in the air, ' Oh no...he _can't _be chopping up the chefs...'

The other undines stayed firmly in place as Aika sped down the stairs as fast as her high heels could carry her.

The scene that lay below looked lifted directly from the Three Stooges, except much worse.

Akira had incidentally popped out of nowhere and now had Ash in a full nelson. On top of Akira was the chef who apparently held the notion that his weight would help stabilize Ash.

Aika always knew Akira possessed some measure of physical strength superior to that of an average woman, but she had no _idea_ that she possessed enough muscle to dislocate Ash's chainsaw shoulder.

Ash screamed more in annoyance than pain as he attempted to shake off the East German-esque brunette.

Akira held fast as she growled, 'Come into _my training hall _with a chainsaw, will you? Planning to steal a few girls for your own sick needs, pervert?' She punctuated the last few words with squeezes that threatened to completely rip Ash's shoulder off.

Ash managed to squeal out, 'I don't even know where the _hell _I am! One minute I'm in the 1300's, and _now _I'm stuck in this...this...fancy schmancy place full of _girls!_ Am I in a whorehouse or some- AAARRGGGHHH!!'

Another crunch sounded out as Akira tightened her grip, 'Don't move. Aika, call the police. We wouldn't want a maniac with a chainsaw running around _would we?'_

Aika, who was trembling like a madwoman and picturing Ash exacting his buzz filled revenge for her 911 call, reluctantly backed up the stairs as Akira snarled, 'HURRY UP!! OR ELSE 100 HINDU SQUATS!!'

Aika gave a terrified little mouse squeak and almost tripped over herself running up the carpeted stairs.

Akira glanced at her prey with a predatory glare, 'Look, mister. I _don't know _who you are, but I'm going to make sure you're locked up for a _looooong_ time.'

'Lady, you're going to regret this for an even longer time- OW!'

Akira twitched her fingers on Ash's dislocated shoulder and caused a reptilian croak to emit from the disabled man.

The reptilian croak seemed to serve as some kind of demonic summoning, as the door burst open with five or more bloodied men standing out the door.

Ash gave out a heaving groan, 'Don't tell me they _followed me here!'_

Akira frowned at the groaning figures that lumbered through the door, 'Friends of yours I assume?'

Ash squirmed desperately under the bohemian woman as he almost screamed in a falsetto voice, 'Get your FAT ASS OFF OF ME!! THOSE ARE DEADITES!!'

'FAT!!' Akira initiated some sort of strange jiu jitsu movement that caused Ash's head to hit the floor rather painfully, punctuating it with a sickening crack, 'I AM NOT FAAAT...' Akira almost wailed the last line in a tear choked voice as she slammed Ash's head on the floor repeatedly.

The chef was still sitting on Akira, no longer concentrated on his original objective anymore. He rather enjoyed Akira's squirming buttocks against his crotch.

Unfortunately though, his enjoyment was short lived, as one of the drooling brain dead zombies took good old chef by the head and snapped it backwards, tearing open flesh, sinew and bone with all the kid friendly fun of a Pez Dispenser.

Candy coloured blood spurted out in a geyser-like fashion, the velocity of the spray taking several moments before it rained down on the whole of Akira's back and into some of Ash's face, which was contorted into goofy looking faces as his brain tried to deal with the shock of losing skull integrity.

The five started working on the chef, tearing off most of his upper extremities and chewing with hyena-like relish whilst making smacking and slurping noises.

Akira slowly turned her head, dreading the origin of the sickening noises.

What she saw almost made her lose the majority of the week's meals along with her stomach acids.

Akira gave a rather manly grunt of disgust and collapsed right on her ass, to which Ash staggered up and demanded in an uncharacteristically tired voice, 'Please...can you just pop the ol' shoulder back in?'

Akira was still staring open mouthed at the zombie's dinner.

'I _said-' _ Ash stalked over and spun her around, ' POP MY SHOULDER BACK IN OR WE'RE FUCKING DEAD!!'

Akira gave another one of her manly grunts and griped the loosely hanging limb with a shaking, albeit firm hand.

'Okay...pedal to the met-ARRRGGGHHH!!'

Akira might have popped Ash's shoulder in from the wrong angle, but it did the trick never the less. Ash could have sworn some bits of bone were scraped off in the process as he tentatively whirled his arm around in circles, 'Okay...might be a little rusty, but here goes...' He revved the chainsaw and...

Nothing happened.

'Oh SHIT!! I forgot there was no gas in this thing!!'

Smack , slurp, and drool went the zombies as they started to work on chef's lower extremities.

Akira wondered in the back of her shell shocked mind whether or not a newly hired chef would be able to make Aika's favourite Duck L'orange...

Ash ran full force at the zombies anyways, hacking and slashing at the puzzled undead with his impotent chainsaw.

At least the chainsaw was relatively sharp by itself, though slightly dulled by its previous usage. Ash hacked away a bemused zombie's arm with ten or more hacks. Was it just him, or were the zombies getting more sinewy?

A shrill shriek from upstairs interrupted the war downstairs.

Aika bolted out from the lounge, tailed by a hungry, though slightly disoriented looking zombie.

Her two ponytails trailing like confetti in the wind, Aika continued her inhumanly high screech as the burly looking zombie tailed her.

Akira sprung into action as images of her beloved apprentice being munched on downloaded themselves like crappy guro porn into her head.

Almost falling over on her face in the process, Akira bolted up the stairs to confront the strangely Pavarotti looking zombie, leaving Ash to his own devices with the other five.

'Hey! Don't just _leave _me here!' Ash punctuated the _leave _with a gristly crunch into the armless zombie's neck.

His chainsaw was hopelessly stuck.

Ash swore under his breath as he attempted to dislodge his weapon from the apathetic zombie's neck. Yup. They were _definitely _getting more sinewy. Maybe all that cross-dimensional travel had given their muscles cramps?

The whole place was the very definition of chaos as undines scattered in different directions. Some looked for alternative exits while others simply stuck themselves against the wall and quivered. There _were _no alternative exits, and this fact caused several undines to leap out of the windows, creating a whole plethora of groaning and broken boned Himeya employees groaning on the streets.

Since the majority of the population consisted of the fairer sex, being in the Himeya company building at the moment would have been equivalent to sticking your ear next to a police siren with a whistle planted in the other ear for good measure.

Akira currently had the zombie in her classic full nelson, preparing to rip off a rotting arm with minimal effort.

But like Ash observed, they _had _grown a little bit sinewy, and Akira's efforts weren't really getting her anywhere.

'Aika! Just...just _get out of HERE!!'_ shrieked Akira as the zombie thrashed underneath her, ' Call the authorities!! I can't hold onto this fatty for much longer...'

Aika nodded, tears flooding her eyes as her nose decided to be the first to shed snotty tears. Choking on a half sob, Aika tripped over herself and fell down the carpeted stair with muffled thumps and oomphs that might have sounded like sex in any other situation.

When she finally catapulted to the bottom of the stairs, her high heels went _click click click _as she ran towards the door to a bunch of broken boned young trainees that somehow and quite unfortunately missed the canal mark and hit the pavement instead.

Unfortunately for Aika though, the police station was on the other side of town, so it might be a lot _click click clicks _( not to mention some nasty blisters ) before she reached her destination.

While all that jazz was happening over at the Himeya company's house, Lucy was stuck deep in thought, checking off the causes of her very ill-fated excursion into the post-apocalyptic future. (She assumed that the earth of the current time was quite an unliveable place.)

'_I wonder how long it will be until humans drain Mars of all of its resources?'_ Lucy thought sardonically as she studied the city map. She had a _rough idea _of who she was going to look for, possibly a physicist or somebody of an equal academic standing. Surely science has progressed to the point where time travel could be _considered?_

Lucy ran her fingers over the map as she sipped the orange pekoe tea she found in the cupboard. The package was quaintly labelled 'Akari Mizunashi.' In bright and bubbly letters that enraged the homicidal murderer within.

There was a university in another town, but from what she had gathered from the city's structure, she would have to travel by boat, and she couldn't really imagine anybody using _motor boats _in place of the laid back gondolas that infested the city. Who would prefer that polluted shit mess to the almost Victorian friendly gondolas that seemed to scream 'prude virgin girls in bastardized naval suits begging to be raped by a hairy otaku on the street.'

Lucy briefly considered, in a flash of absolute of absurdity, that she would use her vectors to 'swim' to her destination. She would kill two birds with stone- she would reach her destination _and _freak out those overly happy townspeople with her maligned ability.

But then again, it would be more convenient to ask Mrs. Pink Haired Pollyanna and her (possibly) lover to guide her across the canals. Besides, who _knew _how deep the waters were...

She flicked her head sideways and inspected an invisible intruder that jumped her in her imagination. It was a habit she developed from her days as a parasitic bum. The police were always on the lookout for the pink haired little freak that inexplicably decapitated and ripped apart innocent people for the sake of staying the night.

Instead, a rather sentimentally sickening picture stared back at her with the most annoying grin. It was a picture of Aria Shachou being held by whats-her-name Alice and pink haired Pollyanna.

Lucy felt the unpleasant itch of jealously crawl up her stomach as she realized that her (potentially) happy life with Kouta was whisked away again by some space/time temporal anomaly.

Kouta was a closet Star Trek fan, and he constantly mentioned these things to his friends on the phone. Lucy had a sneak preview of one of his DVD's but it was pirated and had a VERY bad dub. It was one thing to see Kirk speak Japanese with his lazy English mouth for several minutes, but it was matter of murder when that minute passed.

Wait a minute.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lucy spotted a gondola at the tip of the dock.

'_I thought they both went out...'_ Lucy thought as she hopped off her chair to get a better look at the mysterious boat.

Apparently it was Akari's old gondola, and it was showed _some _signs of wear and tear, but nothing really serious. Lucy could tell it was Pollyanna's due to the happy looking decal plastered on one of the seats. Some girl named Alice had also been there too. A funny looking caricature of her disgruntled face lay next to the graffiti, which looked quite disturbing in its blatant minimalism, the cartoonishly blank eyes and the lack of a nose.

Lucy raised a eyebrows a bit at the impromptu portrait of the deadpan girl and touched the side of the gondola with a questioning hand.

The _definitely _was made out of some kind of space age alloy, so there was no _way _the thing could spring a leak. There was a worn looking oar sitting in the middle of the boat with a faded Aria Company symbol emblazoned on the paddle.

The boat was just _asking _to be used.

Without hesitation or regard for manners, ( she _was _LUCY after all. The two overly happy weirdos should be thankful that she didn't rip them apart on sight.) She hopped into the gondola and grabbed the oar with her vectors, but then thought better of it.

'_Don't want the townspeople shooting at me or anything. I'd better just pretend to use my hands in case...'_

Lucy gripped the oar with both hands, not to mention with horrible form to which a person like Akira might have gotten an brain aneurysm over.

Her vectors still firm on the worm eaten (not to mention algae covered) oar, Lucy let her vectors do the rowing as she _pretended _to use her hands to do the work.

Her vectors served her well, propelling the venetian styled little gondola away from the terrible twosome's house at a breakneck speed.

She would wring the information out of that physicist at the university even if it meant torture. She did _not _waste a whole afternoon flipping through pages upon pages of a future version of the yellow book and doing some marginal research on a spanking new version of the mac book, (version 200 to be exact.) only to be rebuffed by some nerdy and bespectacled idiot at the university.

Yes. She would return to Kouta by the evening, and everything would be fine. She would make up a lame excuse like getting lost in the city or being accosted by some bum on the street. Yes. Her life would return to normal by the evening whether Neo Venezia liked it or not.


	3. Chapter 3

LUCY IN AQUALAND PART 3

Note: Please review. Please comment on the writing style if you can.

Aika was in a bit of jam, though putting it that way would have been a gross understatement. She had reached the heart of the city, but a particularly wide canal was block her way into the north side.

Great. Now she had run a good two miles for nothing.

Aika looked at the passerby scattering around her and decided to chance asking for assistance.

She spotted a particularly corpulent old man with a leather briefcase and decided that he would be one to own a cellphone.

'E-e-excuse me...sir?' She stammered.

The old man stopped and turned his head around in a movement that suggested desperate need of oiling, 'What is it, my dear?' He asked in a surprisingly chocolately voice.

'There's...something horrible going on at my house...and I need to call the cops...' Aika stuttered.

The old man frowned, 'I'm sorry little lady, but I don't own a cell phone.' He narrowed his eyes at her, 'This is not some kind of cruel prank on an old man, is it?'

Aika gave a defeated sigh of frustration and went on a slow jog in a quest to find some kind of loop around the annoying canal.

She should have known the answer before she asked the old man.

_Nobody _on Neo Venezia would be likely to own a cell phone. Something about the radiation interfering with the work of the Salamanders or something.

If one felt the urgent need to call the police, they did so from their home phone.

Himeya company's phone lines were pretty much chewed up beyond recognition by peckish zombies, eschewing the much needed convenience of those quasi-antique phones.

Besides, the crime rate on Neo Venezia was two percent, give or take a few decimals, and most of the crimes perpetrated consisted of little kids stealing from convenience stores.

Aika was just about to consider bursting open a hypothetical blister that was developing on the ball of her foot when a pink haired blur came speeding by.

It took her some time to react to the phenomenon, but when she did, her jaw almost hit the floor in amazement.

The girl's rowing form was absolutely _abysmal,_ but she was paddling twice- no, _three times _as fast as Akira's speed rowing pace.

Water splashed to and fro as the girl, (who seemed miraculously to retain her breath) flopped her arms around in a fashion that would have warranted a beating from good ol' butch Akira.

It could have been called a spur of the moment thing, but Aika chose to call it 'reflexive intuition.' She immediately formulated a sketch. A _sketch _mind you, of a plan to get rowed to her destination.

'HEY! SEMPAI! CAN YOU STOP FOR A MOMENT THERE!?' Aika figured that the girl had about three years on herself tops.

The rowing stopped abruptly as the girl turned her head in a well oiled fashion.

'_What a contrast to that old geezer...'_ Aika thought as she finally caught the full extent of the girl's murderous glare.

'I'm _in a hurry.'_ Lucy said in a her classic Marlene Dietrich voice, 'If you'd be so inclined-

'I know, I _know, _but I'm in _really _need to get to the police station...'

Lucy smirked, '_What,_ somebody's getting murdered in your house?'

'YES! And _eaten!!_ I don't have time to explain, so can you just take me-

' Look, you little brat. I don't know my way around this city, so I can't really take you to your beloved police station.' Lucy felt cranky and that crankiness was going to overflow if the girl didn't stop pressing...

'The police station's on the other side of the city. It's near Combine canal and the post office.' Aika shifted a little on her tortured feet. Lucy raised an eyebrow.

'Well... I'm kind of headed off to that side too...' Uh oh, Nyuu was getting the best of her. Didn't really matter though. What would it hurt to help someone?

Lucy gave a defeated sigh as Nyuu purred in triumph. Score one for Lucy's conscience, zero for remorseless killer.

'Just..._hop in._ No return trips though.'

'Thank you sempai!' Aika gushed as she carefully stepped in the boat, 'You won't regret this...I'll make sure that Himeya-

'Just shut up.' Lucy hissed as she grabbed the oar in her horrible form once again, 'I don't even know _why _I'm doing this, so just _shut up._'

Her vectors revved up again, beginning their hyper speed journey with a horrible lurch that sent Aika's stomach tumbling in fear.

'Hold on tight, brat.' Lucy muttered, shooting the gondola forward in a blur of speed that made Aika retch a little.

Ash finally managed, (somehow) to throw the five zombies off his back. Zombie number one was missing one arm and half of his neck, number two was missing most of his head and lower extremities. The other three were just making half-assed attempts to strangle Ash, mostly missing him falling flat on their faces. They seemed to be a little stiff from all their inter-dimensional travel, judging from the fact that they never moved their knees when they walked.

Akira was half done with the zombie up above, though she was having a little bit of trouble getting her foot out of the zombie's rotting beer belly. Were some of his intestines possibly sentient? Could they be grappling on to her foot?

Akira envisioned her foot being dissolved her stomach acid and jerked around with a renewed vigour, possibly gaining one inch in her quest to retract her foot. The zombie had a shit eating grin on his face, blissfully unaware that his innards were about to be pulled out by a sweating and insane grinned Akira.

Akira gave a particularly deep grunt and ripped her foot out of the monster's belly.

A mighty ripping noise resounded across the rather convenient acoustic design of the Himeya house as ripped up innards spilled out of a purplish grin like mouldy minestrone soup.

Akira made a mental note to get a full pedicure as soon as this was all over. For all she knew, the zombie's stomach fluids might have had some kind of aging fluid that could have turned her supple feet into the wrinkled talons of an old hag.

Though her mind was busily wandering about in a haze, she finally found the peace of mind to wonder about her protégée Aika. Was she lost by any stretch of the imagination? No. That couldn't be possible. She knew her way around the city like the back of her hand. If not, she didn't really deserve the title of being a single...

A heroic, (thought slightly cracked) battle cry from Ash downstairs echoed up into the second floor as he delivered a ferocious kick into the zombie's stomach.

'_What the hell, I'll help him, and then I'll grill him on how he got these things into the Himeya company...'_ Akira took note of the medical expenses needed for the trainees that hit the pavement and then groaned when the cost of the chef's funeral added up with everything.

'_I'm going to make sure that asshole pays for everything...if he even has any money.'_ Akira thought disdainfully as she hobbled down the stairs. Somehow the zombie's ribcage had created deep cuts on the lower parts of her calves.

Ash's face lightened up a little. He was busily engaging one zombie in a wrestling match- one that the built zombie was winning.

Akira braced herself for another full bodied assault on the undead attackers, ( she merely assumed for the moment that the zombies were just escaped patients from a mental institution.)

She was blissfully unaware that an inn was flying towards the Himeya building on an imminent collision course that threatened to decimate all five blocks of the ancient company building. The said inn was a certain inn that used to be a traditional Japanese restaurant. It was commonly known as the Kaede Inn, housing all the motley crew of Nana, Mayu, Yuka, and Kouta.

Rewind.

June.6th/2006, 4:00 pm, Japan Time.

Kouta and company were busily munching on Soba noodles, quite unaware of the fact that the date was a triple six, and that in a spur-of-the-moment impulse of mischief, the conquering worm from behind the folds of space and hell decided to have a little fun and play pin the wormhole on the donkey. It would take several square blocks of land from the earth and transport the targeted piece of land (and hopefully people) into completely random destinations.

One could have considered Kouta and gang to be rather lucky in the fact that they didn't land in Limbo, which was essentially a large blank space stretching on for an infinite distance.

The miserable worm had a large restriction on little pranks such as this. Anything on a greater scale would cause the Almighty to annihilate it and it's brethren. All of who were scattered across different galaxies.

The random wormhole reached (lo and behold) the household containing the world's greatest misfits.

The soba noodles didn't even move due to the incredibly high velocity of the worm hole.

If you asked Kouta or any of the other Kaede residents to describe the feeling to you, they would invariably say it was like' being compressed rather comfortably between two high density foam mattresses in zero gravity on hyper speed.' They would also mention something about the temperature being freezing cold, but the whole journey only lasted for two odd seconds.

In the interview that would never happen, Kouta would also tell you that his stomach fell into his balls from the immense G-force that preceded the crash into the Himeya house. One could have assumed that the worm had _some _measure of knowledge in its coordinate planning, but it was all _pure and simple luck._

Nobody would really miss the absence of the Kaede house, since it was hidden in the middle of nowhere near an almost forgotten ancient cemetery. The franchise that the house used to be host to was long gone, due to a ringworm lawsuit that ate away at the companys reputation until the chief director committed suicide with a shotgun to the mouth.

Fast Forward

June.6/ 2150 4:00, Neo Venezia Time.

And so there it was, a disjointed mess of wood, concrete, and poor attempts at landscaping flying towards the Himeya house. Poor Akira would have more to lament about then the repair costs, for she would literally break a leg in the grand finale of the Armageddon causing impact.

Kouta and his makeshift family were still goggle eyed at the sudden rush of sensations that assaulted them, but when the silhouette of the Himeya house came rushing up towards them through the windows, a simultaneous shriek erupted from all four residents, Nana being the most theatric, as most of her limbs popped off from the excitement. Kouta regurgitated something from his plethora of Star Trek lines. It went kind of like, '_BRACE FOR IMPACT!!'_ Though Mayu could have sworn that he said something about the shields falling.

A deafening explosion of wood and debris pierced the top of the house with the explosive sounds of a rock concert being torn down by a malfunctioning bulldozer.

Akira barely had time to shriek in her glottal voice as a piece of debris hit her brutally across the leg and sent her tumbling down the stairs.

She rolled somewhere under a table, which was quite fortunate, seeing as the debris impaled some of the hapless zombies that wandered around looking for young trainees to eat.

Ash gave out his quasi-heroic roar once again, although this time it sounded like he was being castrated.

His chainsaw chose this exact moment to start working for a time, buzzing and carving out bits and pieces of raining debris. Little droplets of oil sputtered out of the ancient contraption as the chunks upon chunks of wood rained down on his head.

A particularly large cluster of tiles hit Ash on the head, who was completely oblivious to the fact that the entire stair case had collapsed from being bombarded with twenty percent of the Kaede Inn.

Ash could have sworn he saw a blur of brown hair whizz by his face as he slowly lost consciousness. Two people _definitely _fell on top of him, one of them likely being a girl of small stature.

The cover of wood didn't really mask the rain of glass though. A twinkling shower of glass varying from powder to blade-like shards rained down on the helpless employees that decided to go back into the Himeya company building. One unfortunate girl was impaled by a gargantuan piece of glass, ironically cutting off the hand that didn't have the single glove on.

The roaring lasted for several more minutes, but the impact was over. The aftermath of stumbling and drunken pieces of debris falling off of the junkyard pile was rather quiet in comparison to the initial explosion.

Miraculously though, _none _of the Kaede residents were dead. Ash cushioned Nana and Kouta's fall, while Mayu flew somewhere near the stairs and Yuka...

She got hit in the head with a lead pipe, so her mental stability could be questioned.

Lucy was grumbling obscenities to herself as she paddled along. Aika did not know of her vectors, so it wasn't really necessary to kill her _yet._

Besides, she liked the gaping look of amazement plastered on the girl's face as she witnessed her horrible form besting her own (rather brutal) two year conditioning.

A little tinge of annoyance ruffled Lucy as she asked, 'Don't you have a _phone _at home? I assume they have phones in the twenty second century, right?'

As Aika muttered something about bloodied men chewing through the lines, a shockwave rippled through the water accompanied by a muffled _boom._

Lucy stopped paddling and squinted.

There was a large dust cloud emanating from the south of the city. Bits and pieces of debris were wafting into the air like lazy dust mites as the rumbling continued.

Aika's blood suddenly ran cold when she realized just _where _the area of mass destruction was _roughly _located, 'We _have _to go back.'

Lucy almost choked when she heard such utter impertinence coming out of the brat's mouth.

'_What _did you say?'

'I _said _we have to go back...I think something bad happened at Himeya company...'

Lucy's frustration hit the boiling point, '_Look, _you little pig tailed brat. I don't _belong here._ I have to find somebody who can help me _get home._ Now if one more squeak comes out of you, I will-

'Ara ara, look who's here!'

Lucy cursed under her breath when she caught sight of the sound source.

Pollyanna and Blondie were rowing their gondolas together in a sickeningly symmetrical fashion. They might have just come back from _pleasing _some of their customers...

'You shouldn't be out here, Lucy san, you should be at home resting!' Akari piped up with a melodious accompaniment from President Aria.

'Did you see the note we left for you on the table?' Alicia never once broke away from her statuesque pose on her gondola.

Lucy was at a loss for words. She somehow felt _guilty.GUILTY_ at the prospect of snapping at these strangers. Besides, they _helped _her. They didn't do anything bad to her-

Inner dark side Lucy manifested herself and snarled, '_Don't you get all gooey on me, you little bitch. They're humans...'_

Lucy with the halo also jumped into the fray, '_Shaddup, Lucinda. They were kind of nice to us...'_

'_Don't fucking call me Lucinda.'_

Lucy felt like committing herself into a mental institution as she said in a low voice, 'I'm looking for the physicist at the university...I need some help getting back to my own time...'

Alicia's attention wandered over to the dust cloud that was gathering at the south end of the town, 'Ara ara...I wonder what happened back there...' Suddenly, the full extent of the situation hit her. The inner GPS that was so finely honed from years upon years of travelling along Neo Venezia clicked on as Alicia's eyes widened in horror, 'Oh no...'

She gripped her oar tightly, 'Akari, we _have _to get to Himeya company, something awful is happening there.'

Lucy felt the intense urge to slap her forehead followed by a rather satisfying disembowelment of Pollyanna...

'Oh!' Akari put a gloved hand to her mouth in a melodramatic fashion.

Lucy's vectors twitched violently.

'You _see? _I _told _you something was happening there!' Aika was almost sobbing now, 'What will happen to Akira sempai!? She can't dieeeee...' Full blown tears were squirting out of Aika's reddish brown eyes now. Lucy's stomach did a turn. The _only _sentimental feelings she had experienced were with Kouta and Kouta only. As a result any _other _sentimental feelings conveyed by other beings tended to sicken her. It was like waving a delicacy she couldn't have in front of her face.

'There's no time to waste.' Alicia started rowing. When she was distressed, her voice took on an interesting sort of squeaky quality. It was like she had tuning strings on her back or something. If she used to be soprano, she would be just one pitch down from falsetto at the moment.

The water rippled and transformed itself as Alicia glided her way to the Himeya Company house, never once abandoning her prudish form.

Akari was squealing and yapping something incoherent, possibly because of the accursed cat's mews and yelps.

Lucy's vectors gripped the oars tightly as Aika turned to her with pleading eyes, shrink wrapped in tears and ready to bawl at any moment.

Lucy with the halo somehow one the WWE brawl with her demonic side. She _definitely _was getting a little bit gooey around the edges. Seeing Kouta could wait. Right now, she would turn the boat around because she knew _first hand _what it was like to lose somebody. Images of that dog from so long ago crept into her head like little maggots chewing on raw meat.

He had died violently...and the fur was all bloody and caked in a sharp contrast to it's previously glossy and cuddly texture...

Inner Dark Side Lucy quipped, '_You only act nice when you can relate to the situation. Selfish selfish. Remember that story about the scorpion and fox-_

Haloed Lucy screamed something at Inner Dark Side Lucy's face, spraying spittle over the alter ego. Whatever she said ,it shut her up quite good.

Lucy rubbed her forehead violently. _Would _the Diclonius body react badly to anti psychosis medications?

Without another word, she rowed slowly towards the direction that Alicia and Akari embarked on. By that moment in time, they were already small specks in the distance.

'_Guess Blondie's quite good at rowing then.'_ Lucy thought as her vectors prepared to grip the oars.

Her hearing tended to blank out when she had deep esoteric conversations with herself. All she could hear from the blue haired girl was a torrent of 'thank you's ' and incoherent sobs that were punctuated with 'how important Akira sempai is to me.'

Lucy rolled her eyes and continued on her mute button. She rarely, if _ever _had any nice conversations with her alter egos. Haloed Lucy was out most of the time, and Evil Lucy was mostly in office taking care of the paper work. _How _she had managed to live for an odd year in the Kaede house without killing or maiming someone was beyond her.

She rowed and she rowed. Pollyanna and Blondie weren't too far from her now.

As she started to anticipate the looks on their faces when she passed them with her horrible form, her hearing slowly came back. She could _actually _feel a little bit of cool air rushing into her ear canals as the fresh wails and sniffles of the blue haired girl behind her assaulted her sense of hearing.

Lucy's patience was finally at an end. Evil Lucy was back in the presidential office.

'Look, can you just _shut the fuck up?'_

Aika fell silent with a stream of snot slipping out of her nose.

Akira pushed up a piece of wood and was quite dismayed to find that it was not the final piece of debris she would have to push out of the way. In fact, she was buried beneath a good two hundred pounds of debris with _something _moving under her.

It was groaning.

Akira tried to utter something coherent, but instead croaked something that could have been translated into, 'Who's there?' From frog speak dictionary.

A muffled question elicited an equally muffled response. Something that translated from frog speak, would probably go something like, ' Get your fat ass off of me!'

Akira would have come up with a sharp retort if it were not for the sharp pain blazing down her shins. She had splintered _something._ Would she still be able to row on a pair of crutches?

She feebly pushed at the wood and decided that her max bench was only about eighty pounds. There were a few splinters stuck in her hands. Woohoo, more fun for the party.

A peep of sunlight shone through the layers upon layers of debris from the combined strength of Lucy's vectors, Akari, and Alicia, though it was _clearly _Lucy's vectors that did most of the work.

Akira saw the sunlight and squinted. She spat out a loose tooth in a style not too removed from a burly wrestler, 'Thank _God_ you guys came...' She coughed a little, 'Something's under me...'

Both Alicia and Akari assisted her in standing up, which took a little more than five minutes, since she had a rather nasty greenstick fracture on her shins.

'_Shades of Jurassic Park...'_ Mused Lucy as she thought dual thoughts about how much time was being taken from her.

A dishevelled brown haired girl was lying where Akira had been a moment ago.

It was Yuka, more or less. Her nose was quite broken, twisted at an odd angle that somehow stopped the endless flow of blood from completely draining her jealousy tinged brain.

She uttered endless streams of groans and gasps as she melodramatically twitched on the ground.

Lucy thought her eyes were playing tricks on her again. For a moment, she thought that she really _should _enlist the help of anti-psychosis medication, but there was no mistaking that slightly female-muppet voice of Yuka the Bitch, the origin of all the annoying hollers and yelps that drew the attention of Kouta away from her.

Lucy was at a loss for words for exactly three point five seconds before she frowned a bit and did the calculations.

She glanced at the gargantuan hole in the roof and looked at Yuka and finally figured out the situation.

Kouta must have crash landed here too with the others.

Lucy gave an uncharacteristically frightened gasp and scampered around with her usual dexterity. Kouta had once told her (albeit slightly offhandedly) that her nimbleness would be perfectly suited for Parkour.

And Parkour was what she did as she hopped and threw around obscenely large pieces of wood with blatant disregard for the discovery of her vectors. It looked like she was on some sort of treasure hunt as she bounded about with the energy of a cricket high on crack.

Akari and Alicia stood agape at the abilities of the pink haired girl. They had been, to say the least, quite surprised when they witnessed her rowing speed in combination with her horrible form. She was a peculiar one, she had this...inhuman aura to her movements, for they were freakishly fast, agile and...utterly _reptilian._

Yuka lay in a her spasming state as she coughed out a generous amount of mucus. She must have tried to emulate spitting out blood in order to make herself appear more pathetic. Nevertheless, all three of the gondoliers helped her to her feet. She had not broken anything, much to the chagrin of Lucy, who was still solely focused on finding Kouta, (well, kind of. She took the time to lament the fact that Yuka was not yet paralyzed.)

Finally, after what seemed like decades of searching, she finally found a dazed Kouta semi-crushed between the Kaede Inn fridge and a door. Miraculously, nothing had hit him. It was as if he had used the 'force' from one of his beloved Star Wars movies to deflect all of the raining debris.

Lucy gave a cry of relief that disgusted Lucinda, (She decided that she would call her dark side Lucinda and her light side Lou. Yes, that would do quite well.) as she leapt towards Kouta and embraced him with a crushing bear hug. A dusty croak came from the bottom of Kouta's stomach. He had _meant _to say, '_I thought you went shopping,'_ but Lucy's bone crushing embrace killed it off.

'Oh, Kouta...you have _no idea _how worried I was about you...' To her utter surprise, tears started to leak out of Lucy's eyes.

Lucinda was trashing the office as she spoke.

Kouta responded by half heartedly stroking Lucy's hair, desperate for the Diclonius to release her death grip on his body, 'Lucy...you're...you're..._choking me...'_

Lucy gave a surprised 'oh.' And loosened up her grip. She didn't want to leave Kouta. She wanted to bury her head in his slightly musky Red Spice scented chest and stay there forever...

Kouta was quite bemused at the moment. The magnitude of his situation was _just _beginning to hit him as he attempted to recount the events. Lucy had gone shopping, and a mere ten minutes later his house was warped into some kind of vortex.

'_Not to mention with that sickeningly cold feeling like a pair of ice cubes rubbing on your balls...'_ Kouta thought dully.

The house had then presented itself to a larger house, giving a new meaning to the phrase 'breaking and entering' .

That was pretty much the gist of the whole thing.

Kouta was suddenly aware of Lucy's warm embrace and returned the hug with a little more enthusiasm.

'It's good to see you Kouta...' whispered Lucy in a low rendition of her Marlene Dietrich voice, 'You have _no idea _how much I missed you...'

Kouta raised an eyebrow and tried to get rid of his blurry vision. Had a splinter entered his eye?

Lucy had only been gone ten minutes, and she was acting like she had gone into exile on Dagobah for a thousand years.

He would have to wring some sort of satisfactory explanation out of the sailor suited girls, who were busily scrambling about trying to find some sort of makeshift splint for the wailing brunette on a more northerly pile of rubble.

Kouta wandered into his daze again. He tended to do this whenever he was agitated or deep in thought. Right now he was a little bit of both.

After all, who wouldn't be when their house fell out of the sky like a bad mockery of the Wizard of Oz? Kouta wondered if the brunette _was,_ in actuality a witch he had just killed in a random act of heroism.

She sure yelled like one. That was one thing that was certain. It sounded like a couple of monkeys being sodomized with broken wine bottles.

Kouta almost let go of his bladder when a man with a chainsaw for a hand popped out of the rubble in an explosion of splinters and dust.

The way he held up his chainsaw arm almost suggested that he thought he was some kind of B-movie star in his 'triumph' pose. What was even _more _surprising was the fact that he cradled Mayu and Nana in his (admittedly) muscular chainsaw-less arm.

They were knocked out, of course. Nana was missing most of her limbs, and Kouta cringed at the thought of having to scrounge around the place for the missing prosthetics. It would literally be like finding a needle in a pile of needles, for the wood was conveniently coloured a similar shade as her prosthetics.

Mayu coughed out a cloud of dust, reminding Kouta of a reincarnated mummy.

Ash staggered for a moment, and then collapsed forward on his knees, as if he was about to raise his head and bawl to the heavens about his wood chipped fortune.

He didn't.

Instead, _he _coughed out a cloud of dust and wheezed out a barely audible, '_Why me...'_ and fell face down onto the rubble, dropping both Mayu and Nana as he did so.

Kouta opened his mouth wide in a geeky gape as _he _grabbed Lucy tighter. _This _was going to put a cramp in his plans for finishing up his biology paper back home...


	4. Chapter 4

**LUCY IN AQUALAND PART 4**

Please read note: Please review the story. I am in the middle of what could be known as a fledgling writer's equivalent of a mid-life crisis. I don't _know _what my comfortable writing style is. /

Please comment on the writing style, as I am _evidently _trying to trim the fat off of my old style. (Read my other stories if you want a new definition of tedious.) Constructive flames are quite welcome although don't just bash the story without a few suggestions.

--

It was kind of like a funeral in a sense, with all the people gathered around one tragic figure lying on the bed, broken and bruised.

In this case, there were _three _people in two cots hooked up on advanced life support systems.

Yuka had broken her pelvis and shattered most of her ribs. Her right lung was punctured like a waffle, and she might, just _might _have several herniated disks, explaining the endless melodramatic spasms that she gave off.

Of course, this was all from her involuntary altruistic deed of cushioning Akira's fall, who in turn suffered a mere broken shin bone, which was wrapped up in a cast already rife with signatures and several cartoons courtesy of Alice Carroll.

The third person on the cot was merely there because she could not move. Only _one _of Nana's legs were recovered, while one of her arms was found crushed beyond recognition under a steel pipe. She was fast asleep for the moment, for the doctors put a generous amount of morphine into her veins to quell her psychotic episode in which she loudly lamented the loss of her prosthetic limbs.

Ash merely suffered from mild trauma to his skull. The doctors said that it would take several days before his feelings of dizziness wore off. In the meantime, he was told to take two caplets of T.L., which was, (in Lucy's theory), a bastardization of Tylenol.

Everything was fine and figured out though. Alicia took the liberty in explaining their situation to the rest of the hapless group. The reactions were actually a little better than Lucy had expected, but she judged this merely from Kouta's reaction. Mayu usually just _accepted _everything that happened to her, the spineless fool.

'We're in a bit of situation then, aren't we?' Kouta scratched his head, 'So let me get this straight...we're in twenty second century mars because...'

'Because you got here from a temporal worm hole.' Grumbled Akira from her bed, 'These things don't happen very often, as you obviously might know.'

'And _what luck _it just _happened _to hit your house.' Lucy said dryly. She was a little happier now, comforted by the fact that the rest of her 'family' was there to share her ordeal.

'Shut up, _Neko.'_ Akira snarled, 'I _know _all of you had something to do with this. Did you _plan _this or something!? What was with those bloodied men that attacked us-

'Those were _deadites.'_ A masculine voice joined into the conversation, 'They must have followed me here from my world.'

'It's _Ash, _right?' Aika asked nervously, ' what _were _those things again?'

'_Deadites._ They're basically a glorified version of zombies. I've had experience with those buggers, let me tell ya.'

'Hold on, _hold on!!'_ Lucy held out her arms in exasperation, ' _Rewind _here! _What _zombies!? Since when did _zombies _come into the equation?'

Ash looked at Lucy balefully, ' Don't tell me you've never heard of them before, baby.'

'_Don't _fucking call me baby.'

'Alright, sugar.'

'You want to be eviscerated?'

'GUYS!' Akari tried to raise her voice the best she could, although it didn't amount to much, 'Don't _fight!_ We've got a problem here, and we have to put our heads together!'

'Pui, nui!'

There was an awkward silence in the room, which was promptly broken by Kouta, 'Why does that cat look so strange?'

Ash slapped his forehead, '_Why _do you insist on making these random comments that have nothing to do with the current _situation!?'_

'Because he _can, _okay?' Lucy snarled. Nobody came near her Kouta, no matter how nerdy her was...

'Sure...sure...I'll be quiet from now on...'

Ash grinned, '_Sugar.'_

A vein bulged in Lucy's head, '_Seriously..._little human...you're starting to _really _piss me off.' Lucy felt Lucinda peek into the presidential office as her vectors started to stretch out.

'He's a _Mars_ cat! He was specially breeded through generations upon generations of genetically modified cats- isn't that right, Aria Shachou?' Alicia had taken it upon herself to calm down the hostilities, though the only effect it had was drawing a 'Pui Nui Nui' of agreement from President Aria and _another _awkward silence.

Unfortunately, _this _awkward silence was broken by Akari, who said in an overly cheerful voice, 'Can't we all just be _good friends?_ I'll buy us some pastries from the shop, and then we can watch the sunset together-

'Embarrassing lines are prohibited.' Grumbled Aika from her wooden chair. She had bags under her eyes from staying with her sempai through the night. A morning cup of coffee didn't help her much though. It looked as if she was going to pass out from the stress as calculations of the damages burning huge holes in her father's wallet shifted through her head.

'Or maybe we can go to Neverland together to know each other better-

'Can you just _can it!?'_ The vein in Lucy's head didn't disappear yet, 'You _know, _if you're this cheerful all the time, then you _clearly _have some freaking problems with your psyche. What's the matter? Is this some kind of a psychological defense against-

She stopped merely because Kouta was making shushing signs with his fingers. Alicia was still smiling, but her expression had an undertone of menace as she said in a creepily bright voice, 'You want to continue with _that_ Lucy san?'

Lucy swallowed a little, '_No.'_ She fell silent as Alice jumped into the conversation, 'I think we should inform the entire city of this. If we collaborate together, maybe we can work out a solution...'

'For fuck's sake, we don't even _know _if they're from the past or not!' Akira whinnied as her leg shook in the cast, ' I mean,c'mon, how often do you see _time _travel?'

'How do you explain our house falling out of the sky then?' Mayu whispered. Clearly she was still feeling the after effects of the immense G-force that was exerted on her body during her time/space fold travel.

'Good point.' Muttered Akira as she laid her head back down.

There was another awkward silence lasting longer than the two previous ones.

Alicia piped up, 'I'll take the visitors back to Aria Company and discuss with them what to do there. Would somebody like to stay with... Nana and Yuka...that's their names right?'

Mayu raised her hand shakily, 'I'll stay. I think she'll still be quite upset when she wakes up from her sleep...'She glanced at Yuka, 'Poor Yuka...I can't imagine how much pain she's in right now...'

Ash shifted around in his chair, 'I really _don't care _at this point. I'm kind of used to this stuff.'

'_Big talk _from a small man.' Muttered Lucy under her breath as she took Kouta by the arm.

'_What _was that?'

'Nothing.' Lucy glared venomously at Ash, to which he responded with a maddeningly suave smile that bordered between sarcastic and a weak attempt at being seductive. If it were a cartoon, Lucy could have sworn that Ash's teeth would have gleamed with a _zing! _

'Call us if you need anything, alright.' Alicia started towards the door, 'You _sure _you want to stay here Aika?'

Aika mumbled something, then fell into a deep sleep as her head drooped forward. Any further and she would have hit her head on the floor...

'I guess she's staying then.' Ash said with a mock sigh, which brought on a murderous look from Akira.

'Erm...like I said, call us if you need anything. We'll be back by suppertime to bring you something.'

Alicia took Aria Shachou from Akari's hands and cradled the fat cat like an overweight baby.

The posse left the room, with Kouta lingering behind slightly to look at his fallen housemates. Lucy sensed a disturbance in the force and dragged Kouta away. She couldn't afford to lose to Yuka, which she _swore _got herself injured more severely merely for the sake of garnering Kouta's attention. Too bad she wasn't conscious enough to appreciate that concerned look Kouta gave her...

A strange thought passed through Lucy's head. A thought that surprised _both _Lou and Lucinda.

She might not want to go back.

Back on _that _Earth, all she faced was prejudice and the constant threat of being rediscovered by Kakuzawa and his cronies. Maybe it was _better _that she lived here for the rest of her life? Start over from a clean slate with (admittedly) not too unpleasant people?

Lucy considered the proposition as she led Kouta out of the hospital room. She could have _sworn _that Yuka opened one bloodied and swollen eye to look at her as she stepped out of the ward...

--

Lucy clinked down a cup of orange pekoe tea, it wasn't too bad, considering how her foul moods usually made _everything _taste sour and disgusting.

It was kind of like the tea party with the mad hatter every time she was over at the terrible twosome's place. _Somehow _the place was always chock full of various continental pastries of all stripes and persuasions and tea from around the world...well..._manhome to _be more exact. Little did Lucy know that most of tea came from the 'Neverland' that Akari spoke of. There was genetically modified tea company up there that provided most of Aria company's tea.

Of course, both Alicia and Akari were blissfully unaware that their precious tea was _not _in fact organic, but grown from petri dishes in a spotless laboratory hidden away in the mountains.

At that moment, it looked deceptively peaceful, with everybody sitting serenely, (or awkwardly silent) with their tea cups filled to the brim in front of them. Only Ash had the presence of mind to munch on his chocolate continental pastry. He talked while he chewed.

'I must say, this place ain't too shabby. I actually _don't _want to go back now.'

Alicia smiled nervously, 'You're welcome to stay here for the night, but you _need _somewhere permanent to stay.'

'Sure, _sure, _lady. Does it _look _like I have any dough on me?'

'What's dough?' Akari piped up.

'Dough's the currency back on Earth, sugah.' Ash said nonchalantly.

'Can you _stop _calling everybody that?' Lucy glared at Ash, who stuck his tongue out impudently at the furious diclonius.

'Whatever the case, I'm guessing it won't be easy getting back home, right?' Kouta ventured nervously, 'I presume time machines are really invented at this time, right?'

Alicia put a finger to her mouth and hugged President Aria a little tighter. The cat gave a strangled squeak.

'Can't really say I know much on the subject, but I _do _know that an experiment several years ago when terribly wrong and trapped the scientist in some kind of galactic _limbo...'_

'Well, _that's _not an option then.' Ash reached for a chocolate croissant and poured himself another cup of tea, spilling a generous amount as he did so.

Lucy smiled a little when she saw Akari cringe.

'But back to the point, guys, _how_ are we going to get home?' Mayu said quietly. She wrung her hands under the table, 'I mean...we can't just _stay _here for the rest of our lives...'

The words blurted out of Lucy's mouth like a stream of uncontrollable piss, 'I don't see how that's a problem though.'

Kouta frowned at Lucy, not quite sure of what he just heard, '_Excuse _me?'

'I mean...isn't Earth in the past kind of _shitty?_ I mean...with all those people after me...and Mayu...'

Mayu peeped a little, 'Yes?'

'You don't have anything on earth you'll miss, right? Given your past circumstances...'

Mayu thought for a moment and raised her eyebrows a little when she realized she _did not _have anything she would really miss on Earth. Her parents were both good-for-nothing sunuvabitches, and Wanta was sitting safely on her lap.

She looked at Wanta for a moment and thought about just how _crafty _the little dog was. When the house fell down from the sky, the acrobatic little bugger had the presence of mind of leap _out _of a window of his own accord and land ninja-like on a nearby roof while the rest of the house collided with Himeya company.

'But my _family's _on the other Earth!' Kouta said in a slightly whiny voice, 'My mom will be worried about me...and what about my grandma and my extended family!?'

'Good point.' Lucy had somehow neglected to take into account that she did _not _slaughter Kouta's entire family, contrary to Lucinda's common belief. At this moment in time, Lucinda chose to whisper in Lucy's ear, '_Why didn't you kill his whole family, you fool? So that you can have him all to yourself?'_

Lucy muttered, '_Shut up.'_ To no one in particular.

Alicia sighed a little, as if to say that the conversation was going nowhere in particular. She looked desperately at Akari for some kind of help.

Akari didn't get the cue.

'I'll go get more tea if you want!'

'Sure, Akari...go to the kitchen and make some more...' Alicia rubbed her temple with her fingers. This was a strange turn of events. Could these bunch of people be from the lunatic asylum on Alcatraz Number Two on the far side of the planet? Delusional time travellers that deliberately flew some kind of retarded air craft into the Himeya company to garner some attention from the public?

Already the plight of the Himeya company was blaring on the news back in the hospital. It was funny how quickly the reporters came. It was like vultures to a tasty carcass on the desert floor...

But it was a _house._ Alicia saw with her own eyes the rough remnants of the original Kaede Inn's shape. No _way _could a ridiculous aircraft like that exist.

As Alicia attempted to recall the limited amount of knowledge she had of quantum physics from her first year in university, Akari came stumbling back with a tea tray, 'Alicia sempai, the holo TV in the kitchen's been switched on for the whole day. We didn't really notice because the volume's so low-

'I'll turn it off...' Alicia rose from her seat, still digging through her brain for the right amounts of knowledge. Time travel _was _technically possible, but one would have to circle a billion times around the sun. The only other way to time travel was to go through a worm hole...

She padded into the kitchen, to which the fat cat in her hands pointed at the TV accusingly and shouted, 'PUI NUI!!'

'I _know, _I _know..._I'll turn it off-

Alicia gave a little gasp as she glanced sideways at the TV. At first she thought that the cameraman had gotten clumsy and dropped the video recorder, but on closer inspection, the lopsided view of the recorder held a disturbing image. The cameraman was lying face down in a pool of blood and viscera, while _something _was standing over him, eating away at his flesh.

Alicia's eyes bulged as she tried to tear her eyes away from the gruesome image. Instead, a stream of vomit came streaming out of her rosebud mouth.

The sound brought the whole company into the kitchen. Ash was the first one to recognize the current situation on the TV.

'_So..._they found a way to get _here..._ interesting...'

'What _are _you talking about!?'Akari seemed genuinely distressed. She rushed over to clean up Alicia's vomit and to support her sempai at the same time- a task that Lucy seriously wished her luck on.

'Oh...shit...' Kouta mused in a low voice. It would have been a little more convincing if he had just stopped at the shii- part. That way, it would have sounded more like the web meme that Lucy was so fond of.

That was Lucy's personal opinion anyways. She relished the thought that she would be able to take out her stress on the zombies that were invading the city. It had become sort of a pastime. They weren't really kidding(the professionals, or whatever the hell you wanted to call them) when they said that once you had your first kill, the rest was easy and quite enjoyable.

Who _was _her first kill?

Lucy thought back to her days as a kiddie and remembered, (with particular fondness,) the fuzzy feeling she experienced when she ripped open the stupid little kids that bashed her poor little puppy to death. Those good old days...she didn't even feel the guilt of her first murder(s). She was too immersed in her revenge...

_Whoops._ That was Lucinda talking. She promised Kouta that she would turn over a new leaf- to derive no pleasure from killing whatsoever.

But zombies didn't really count as people, did they?

Lucy glanced at the cute little TV, (which was incidentally decorated with Hello Kitty Stickers. She was quite surprised that the franchise had survived for so long.) and watched in amusement as the hungry zombie devoured the rest of the camera man.

Alicia was still puking out the remnants of her stomach acids as Akari wiped the remaining digested mush of pastries and tea (the pastries looked like they had generous amounts of frosting on them, due to the white content in the vomit...or was it something else?)

Lucy marvelled at how well the beautiful blonde held her calories. She wondered where all the fattening calories went when all was said and done. It looked as if she subsisted _solely _on continental pastries and nothing else...

Lucy herself had a certain distaste for sweet things. She preferred salty things...things that weren't _too _potent in their taste. Maybe it was from her eating habits at the laboratory, where all they fed her was a 'nutritious' mush-like oatmeal that tasted like ground up Garfield vitamins mixed with cabbage and mud. She _would _know, since she had once become desperate enough to pick leftovers off the ground.

Kouta shifted nervously as he said in his slightly falsetto voice, 'What the _fuck _do we do now!? We're doomed, _doomed!!_ I knew I shouldn't have put off writing that letter to granny! Game over man, _GAME OVER!!_'

Lucy smiled a little bit when she saw a well of tears forming in Kouta's eyes. It couldn't be helped though, since she was partially the main cause of his hypersensitive (otherwise known as sissy) disposition whenever adversity reared its ugly head.

Mayu seemed to shrink up into her tortoise shell. Her lower lip quivered a bit as she tried to avert her eyes from the screen.

The President was coughing up hairballs.

'_The equivalent of barfing then, I suppose.'_ Lucy thought wryly.

'So..._now _what?' Lucy said these words carefully. Somehow, she always had a constant fear that Akari would _eventually _have some sort of a mental breakdown that would result in the massacre of the entire city...

'The...the _hospital...'_ Akari wandered, 'They're still in the hospital...'

Lucy thought for a moment, and then realized she was talking about the people she didn't exactly care about. Sure she thought Nana was _cute _in a way, (she had suspicions that she was slightly bisexual, whatever the humans called it,) but she couldn't care less if the zombies devoured the nobodies there.

Still, she chose to stay silent as Akari formulated plan,' First...we need to get there safely...I don't know if we need any weapons...'

'Got one right here!' Ash said in cheerfully as he brandished his chainsaw, 'Wouldn't happen to have any _motor oil _now would you?'

'What's motor oil?' Akari whispered. Alicia was still doubled over, struggling to regain her breath as the sweat plastered her shimmering blonde hair to her forehead.

'_Never mind _then.' Ash shrugged, 'I suppose you'll be telling me that _firearms _don't exist in the twenty second century, right?'

'Actually...' Alicia slowly got up with the help of Akari, 'Aria Company _has _several firearms in the basement...'

'_WHAT!?' _ Akari seemingly jumped several feet in the air as she heard this revelation. Her dreams of the Aria house being _the_ ideal little oasis of paradise was shattered instantaneously.

'I mean, _grandma _suggested it just in case there were burglars. We only have two though...one for each of the employees.' Alicia muttered weakly. Her melodious voice was still pleasant, but it sounded like a rusted flute now.

Lucy rolled her eyes in exasperation. Her vectors could just _tear _the weaklings apart, didn't they _get it?_ She looked at Kouta for support.

He seemed to get it, 'Excuse me...guys? I think I have an alternative solution here...'

All eyes were on Kouta, and Kouta didn't really like it. He was never one for the limelight...

'Lucy here has a...special ability called..._vectors..._I don't really know if you've heard of them, but-

'_VECTORS!!'_ Alicia almost choked on the remaining vomit in her throat, 'Don't tell me she was part of the _experiment _all those years ago!'

'I see you're familiar with my kind then.' Lucy said evenly. She _was _a little surprised at blondie's knowledge of the Diclonius.

'I mean...aren't you called..._Diclonius _or something like that?'

'_Yes,_ and what of it? I'm guessing we were wiped out or something? Pesticides?' Lucy spat the last word with a considerable amount of venom.

'I just...read in my history course back in high school that there was a time when there was Diclonius uprising against the human race, resulting in the death of _millions._ The government-

'_Fuck _the government.' Lucy felt like a hippie when she said that, 'I 'm _also _guessing an airborne vaccine to eliminate us?'

'That's...that's basically it...' Alicia trailed off as she stared balefully at the horns on Lucy's head, 'I thought those were-

'_Fashion statements? _ I think Akari here made that mistake too.' Lucy looked at Akari with an 'I told you so' look, to which the pink haired girl shrank back slightly.

'Look, this is all very interesting and all, but Diclitoris or not, what _are _we going to do with- ARRGGH!!'

Lucy lifted Ash into the air with one of her vectors, '_This _is what a vector can do. If I chose to, I could easily pop off his head like a bottle cap. Kapeesh?'

Ash grunted in a choked voice, 'I _get it, _I _GET IT!! Just..._put me down already...'

Lucy flung him against the mantel, shattering the portrait of President Aria and the Terrible Twosome and some foppish looking china ware.

The rest of her audience looked at her with horrified looks.

'_What? _The fact that I'm agreeing to _help _you is good enough. I can mow through those zombies no _problemo_.'

The TV had stopped blaring. It had those colourful strips with the captioned words, 'please stand by' pasted like a censor block in the middle of the post-modernist piece of art.

'By the way, that's _not _ a really good hologram TV. It just _projects _it like...like a foot away from the screen...that's kind of shitty...' Lucy mused in an attempt to lighten up the mood.

Ash groaned as he brushed off pieces of glass from his once immaculate pompadour, now turned into a triple split pompadour from his trials and tribulations , 'Didn't need to throw that hard, _Lucy.'_

Lucy smiled sweetly at Ash, 'If you don't keep your mouth shut, I'll _seal _your mouth shut, and _believe me, _I can do that-

Kouta put his hand on Lucy's shoulder and shook his head slightly.

She gave a defeated sigh and wrapped one hand around Kouta's waist. It would kind of be a shame to rescue Yuka...these moments would be precious rare, as the brown haired bitch would inevitably scream for Kouta to _wipe the floors! Clean the kitchen! DO YOU LOVE ME!?_

Lucy shuddered a little bit. It was actually sort of creepy- Yuka's obsession with Kouta. It was becoming borderline psychotic. Maybe she could just rip off her head and call it an 'accidental casualty related to hungry zombies?' Lucy shrugged slightly at this thought and ignored Lucinda's pleas for an 'accidental death.'

She turned to the group and announced in the voice of a leader, (or Hitler. She had seen a documentary on the man and secretly admired his drive. Not that she supported his mass murders though...) 'Let's get _going!'_


	5. Chapter 5

LUCY IN AQUALAND PART 5

Author's Note: Please review this story, author likes reviews. Author thinks reviews are tasty. Sankyu.

The hospital was not too far away from Aria company. A short walk of ten blocks pretty much covered the distance.

It seemed like the whole town knew about the zombie invasion. Doors were bolted, windows were plastered with some kind of shimmering energy. (Force fields, Akari had mentioned.) and the remaining people outside their homes were scrambling around like headless hamsters, yammering and choking on their own fear. Some were being chased by lumbering zombies, if you could even _call _that chasing.

The mailman Akari befriended was huddled in a corner, his sack of mail lying beside him like a brown turd. The zombies seemed to ignore the little man, possibly for the fact that he had close to _no _meat on him. Every once in a while the small man would give a _hiccup_ and then return to his cocoon state.

Unfortunately for him though, he was on the other side of the canal, and good old oblivious Akari had failed to notice him.

Alicia and Akari both carried a futuristic version of a .45 automatic. Though the guns looked similar in shape and size to their ancient counterpart, they fired miniscule blue energy balls that were barely powerful enough to make a dent in an anti-riot shield.

Still, they could puncture flesh when fired, _possibly _making an exit wound.

All in all, the weapons were of little power, designed only to repel any intruder that dared steal from Alicia's cash vault,( which was incidentally in the form of a porcelain container sculpted like Aria Pokoteng. )

The weapons were back up, of course. They would mostly rely on Lucy's vectors to do the work.

Lucy had already demonstrated a small amount of her power in the form of decapitating a random zombie on the streets, to which Alicia made another hurling sound, barfing out nothing but air (and a little bit of gas.)

The hospital's glass doors were broken, leaving a considerable amount of jagged edges protruding from the door's frame.

Lucy swept her vectors effortlessly and decimated most of the remaining edges.

'Ladies first.' She said, her gaze mostly focused on Ash.

The idiot didn't seem to notice though. He was too busy fiddling with his stupid chainsaw. He seemed to hold the belief that enough fiddling would miraculously cause the thing to start up.

'Can't you just _give it up?'_ Lucy said in an off handed tone as Ash stepped near her.

'Oh, _don't worry.'_ Ash punched at the rustic old thing, 'Last time I checked there was still a _tiny bit _of fuel in here. We'll just have to see how it works.'

Lucy rolled her eyes and let the rest of the group file in. Mayu had _insisted _on coming along, much against the insistence of Kouta. The little girl had brought along a _fire poker _fresh from the Aria Company's fire place.

'_That could potentially do SOME damage.' _Lucy thought ruefully as she entered the darkened building.

'Which floor are they on again?' Kouta was busily shifting around on the spot. He looked like he was about to pee his pants.

'Fifth floor, I think.' Alicia turned off the safety on her gun, 'Let's...go then.'

An awkward silence permeated the atmosphere as the group crept towards the elevators. Kouta felt like he was in some kind of absurd Scooby Doo cartoon, with the characters exaggerating their tiptoes to the point of looking constipated. He had _also _helped himself to a fire poker, much to the chagrin of Akari. She said something about the things being _antiques _and how they were _irreplaceable._ Kouta smiled nervously as he checked for the laser cutters in his pocket. _Hopefully _the culinary tools wouldn't act up and turn on in his pants...his pockets were conveniently close to his crotch...

They heard a loud groan from beyond the turn in the hallway.

Lucy jumped at the opportunity of _finally _making a kill. Without warning, she bolted off towards the hall and came face to face with a _crowd _of zombies.

Most of them were medical attendants, or _used _to be. They were wandering around in circles, waiting for their participation in some kind of event that was taking place in the middle of the fray. It was most likely their latest victim, the tearing and chewing sounds kind of gave it away.

Lucy allowed herself a second to marvel at how the zombies _take turns _before she unleashed her vectors and turned the crowd into a mushy stew of unidentifiable gore,( Lucy swore she saw a zombie's heart _bounce.)_ blood, and bones. Lucy whirled her vectors around a little more in an eggbeater motion, just for the sake of denying the zombies any chances of hypothetical regeneration.

When she was done, there was a mountain of minced meat, which was steadily collapsing from the flimsiness of the viscera.

Lucy heard a plethora of retching sounds behind her.

She turned around and had to bite her tongue to control her laughter.

Kouta, Mayu, and Akari were barfing simultaneously, bowed down to the ground on their knees and retching to their heart's content.

Alicia had fainted. Ash was merely marvelling at Lucy's work.

'Nice job, Lucy.' He said after an appreciative whistle, ' I guess I don't have to do _anything _then.'

The blood splattered Diclonius muttered a small thanks while helping the barfing ones up.

Ash had taken the opportunity to bodily heave up Alicia, all the while taking the opportunity to feel up her nicely toned butt.

Lucy grunted in disgust, 'You _pervert._' She snarled, 'I'll remind her you did that when she wakes up.'

Ash winked at her with his jerky and utterly infuriating smile. His teeth gave off their _zing _again.

A low laugh sounded from the _other _end of the hallway. The zombies had enough intelligence to _laugh now._ Lucy squinted as she tried to make out the rather tall shape that was slithering towards them

'Well Ash _long time no see...'_ Hissed the figure.

Lucy frowned a little when she noticed that the thing could speak coherently. The shadows hit it's face, but _somehow _it seemed a little familiar...

And how did it know Ash?

It turned out the figure _was _Ash. Or at least a _copy _of him.

Original Ash slapped his forehead in a fashion that was unintentionally comical, 'Not _you _again!'

Lucy stared open mouthed at the clone, 'Can...somebody tell me what's going _on _here?'

Evil Ash looked at Lucy and sized her up. He gave a whistle, 'Whoo hoo _baby!_ You're one hot bitch! Exotically coloured hair too!'

Evil Ash clutched his crotch in an exaggerated fashion, 'OO! I think I have a BONER!!'

Lucy relinquished all control and let Lucinda take the controls. Her vectors lashed out with a vengeance, aiming to grind the perverted asshole in to a mush of goo.

The perverted asshole was _fast _though. He whirled out of the way in a blur of motion and somehow materialized in front of Lucy.

His breath smelled like rotten tuna and warm garbage as he grinned, 'Lights out baby.'

He formed a fist with his index knuckle sticking out.

Lucy felt a bolt of pain shoot through her head as Evil Ash punched _that place._

Her vectors shrank into her body and refused to come out.

Lucy clutched the front of her head in agony as the sudden disruption to her nervous system echoed throughout her body in a fashion not too far removed from static reverberation. Reeling on the floor, Lucy screamed, 'I'll FUCKING KILL YOU!! I'LL-I'LL GAHHHH!!' He had broken something. The remaining number of his knuckles had decimated most of her nose, which was originally on the verge of breaking anyway from her ordeal with the wood planks.

Kouta stared on in horror as he felt his body move itself.

He found himself standing face to face with the Evil Ash, the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he cracked Evil Ash over the head with a vicious swing of the fire poker.

Incidentally, Evil Ash did not have the presence of mind to dodge this sudden assault, causing the left side of his skull to sink in from the blow.

His spine snapped as Kouta's furious blow turned his head a full one eighty.

Ash's clone fell to the ground with a shit eating grin on his face.

Ash kicked his clone several times to make sure he was _truly _dead. Though the smile was still plastered on his face, the clone didn't budge.

Lucy was actually _wailing _in pain as the unbearable pain shot through her skull. How did he _know _that was her weak point? How did he know the _exact _place to stun her vectors? Though her sobs, Lucy wondered if her vectors could even _come out _anymore. She could have sworn the clone did her some serious brain damage, for her intense headache had returned with a splitting vengeance, searing the very edges of her skull.

Kouta knelt beside Lucy and let loose a flood of incoherent phrases. Lucy felt a little better when Kouta embraced her. She always did. As much as she wanted to say how much she loved the loveable nerd at the moment, her nose forbade her to do so. The only words that actually came out of her mouth was, 'Blai Bluh buh Boba.' Kouta helped Lucy to her feet as he tore out pieces of his shirt to stop the uncontrollable gush that was coming out of Lucy's mouth.

Ash stood above his clone and prodded it thoughtfully, 'Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. Do these guys follow my _scent _of something?'

Mayu and Akari huddled each other like terrified rabbits as they backed away from the smiling corpse of Ash's clone.

Ash looked at his baggage called Alicia, 'This gal doesn't weigh very much, does she...well, back to the point. Can Lucy still use her vectors?'

'Of _course _I can't, you twit!' Lucy's voice was comically nasally now, she almost sounded like Stitch when spoke, 'He disabled my vectors, and who knows when I can used then again!'

'Oh...so that's the case...' Ash tweaked his chainsaw thoughtfully, 'Well, I guess the weapons from home are just going to have to do for the moment.'

The elevator doors stood waiting at the end of the hall.

Akari mumbled in a choked voice, 'We'd better get to Aika and the others before something _eats _them...' She went on a slight limp toward the steel doors, almost giving off the impression that she was zombie herself.

Kouta supported Mayu and Lucy at the same time as he walked towards the elevator at the speed of an old geezer on marijuana.

Ash simply jogged over the elevator and pressed the up button.

'Don't have to show off, you know...'Lucy muttered.

The elevator reached the ground floor with a pleasant sounding _ding!_ Which _almost _queued the resurrection of Ash's clone. It would have been in perfect sync if the maniacal laugh came one second earlier.

Lucy gaped as she watched the man with the twisted neck stagger up slowly.

'That's some swing you've got there, sonny...' Evil Ash put both hands on his twisted skull and snapped it back in place, 'Ahhhh! That's _much _better.' He looked at Lucy and made a sickening face, 'Did the hottie get a little _boo boo?_ I'll fix that _for you!!'_

He sprinted over to the elevator, which was incidentally taking its sweet and leisurely time in closing the doors.

A blast of light filled Evil Ash's crotch, creating a smoking hole at the place where his fly should have been.

Akari breathed heavily as she marvelled at how good her aim, (or luck) was.

Evil Ash gave a high pitched squeal and doubled over on the floor, 'MY PEEPEE!! I'LL KEEELLLLYOUUUU...' He was doing interesting looking bicycles on the ground as the elevator door (finally) slammed shut, encasing the group from Ash's doppelganger.

Lucy breathed heavily as the elevator crawled its way to the fifth floor. The injury to her skull caused some of her fingers to spasm individually, causing her to look like some kind of maniacal pianist.

Kouta kept his arms around Lucy and stayed silent. Mayu was busily brandishing her fire poker with a renewed intensity, ready to swing at anything that came through the elevator door.

Some crap elevator music was playing. It was incidentally something by a pop band that sounded creepily like the decrepit ancient pop group known as Aqua.

Lucy was suddenly reminded of how much she wanted to burn a Barbie doll after she head the song 'Barbie Girl.' Her fingers clenched into fists. She tried to will her vectors to come out, but nothing budged. It was almost like constipation in a way. They were _bulging, _but they just wouldn't come out of her shoulders...

The elevator chirped out, 'You're on the fifth floor!' as it slid to a smooth stop.

The door opened and revealed silhouettes of several humanoid shapes.

This caused Mayu to go into a full blown panic, for she took up arms, lunged forward, and delivered a skull cracking, (not exactly skull cracking, more like torn skin and a nasty swelling) sort of blow to the target.

The fire poker connected with the person's head, and it was just then that Mayu realized that she had hit Yuka on the head, who was propped up on two crutches.

The battered brunette gave a lurch and a wet burp as she collapsed _yet again _into unconsciousness.

Mayu held the fire poker with shaking hands. She wanted to apologize, but what could the spasming shape on the floor hear?

Kouta gave a little gasp, 'YUKA!! Are you alright!?'

He knelt down and attempted to rebuild the collapsed shadow of a human that lay on the floor.

Lucy wanted to give Mayu a medal and a kiss for what she did. If only she had hit a little bit harder...

'I'm...I'm sorry...'Mayu peeped in a little bird-like voice, 'I thought...I thought...'

'What the FUCK!?' Screeched a hobbling Akira supported by two similar hospital grade crutches, 'Don't tell me she- _oh.'_

Akira glanced at Mayu's shaking hands and immediately understood, 'Well...can't really blame you, little girl. ...I admire your caution...'

Flanking the long haired chestnut brunette was Aika, who was carrying Nana in a surprising display of strength. Lucy looked at Nana, who was quite awake and staring back at Lucy with glazed eyes.

'My limbs...' She murmured crazily. She looked like some kind of demented miscarriage being carried by her fifteen year old mother.

Lucinda often looked at things like this. As much as Lucy admired her metaphors and poetic prose, this was no time to become the new Robert Frost.

'Can't really get out of here. We had some trouble getting out of bed...' mumbled Akira, 'Thanks to Aika though, we didn't get any bed sores on our backs...'

Aika started to ramble in a shrill voice, '_Where _did those things _come from!? _ Don't tell me that..._Ash _brought them here! They...they...' Aika's face started to turn green as the memories of the doctors being eaten crept back into her head.

'Forgot to mention...our nurse became a zombie...chewed up one of the _male _nurses...' Akira rolled her eyes a little bit in an effort to cover up her intense desire to turn the exact colour Aika was turning, 'This is turning out to be a _really _bad day. I wonder how much the repairs to the Himeya Company will cost...'

'We'll pitch in.' Croaked Alicia, who was still gripping her gun with an intense urgency, 'Heaven knows Akari and I have enough money...'

Aika was busily holding on to Akari, sobbing into her pink haired friends chest as Pollyanna struggled to deal with the reality of _actual sadness._

Lucy tried her vectors again. There was no justice in the world.

'Anybody want to suggest an exit?' Ash piped up. He was still fiddling with his chainsaw.

'_I _say we get a move on.' Kouta said shakily, 'We're dead if we encounter a _crowd _of zombies though...'

He looked at Nana apologetically, trying to show some of his concern for the limbless diclonius.

Nana simply looked away and continued her aimless stare at the ceiling for several moments more.

'We should actually get a wheelchair for Nana...' Mayu said in a barely audible voice. Her concentration was still focused on the limp body of Yuka, barely held up with maximum effort from Kouta.

Lucy was feeling quite uncomfortable at the moment with Yuka's close proximity to _her _Kouta.

'Wheelchairs are downstairs...' Akira said in a rather detached voice, 'In any case we should get a move on. If worse comes to worse, we'll just hop out of the windows...I'll _try _and aim for the canal...' Akira winced a little bit at the memory of trainees splattering on the ground one by one. Couldn't they have _at least _developed enough coordination to launch themselves into a ten foot wide canal?

A sudden crash broke the awkward silence. (They were becoming quite frequent, though Lucy didn't seem to care or notice.) the elevator doors exploded outwards, whirling towards the group like a pair of deadly shurikens. One of them _almost _hit Yuka, but merely grazed her hair harmlessly as it sailed past and destroyed a ward. The other one headed towards Aika caused her to drop her Nana baggage, leaping to the side for her life as the behemoth metal slab crashed through a row of glass windows leading into the North building.

Nana lay on the floor in silence. Her hospital gown was quite loose, and it was slipping off once again. How she _hated _always being naked and chopped to pieces. She wondered _why _she never really felt the full impact of her bountiful miseries. Could it be that she missed that stuff called _Prozac _they had back at the Kaede Inn? Her mouth lay open in an idiotic gape as she drooled on the floor.

Kouta scooped her up, giving her a new drooling place. Perhaps the drop on the floor had caused some damage to her mental integrity...

'Thought you could get away with _shooting my balls, _could you!?' Evil Ash stood grinning beside the elevator door.

Somewhere and somehow, he had gotten hold of a bazooka. Lucy was guessing that the bugger had some kind of control over the space/time continuum, kind of like that nerdy Asian guy in Heroes.

The hole was still on his crotch, but there was no evident sign of bleeding. Perhaps he had regenerated?

Lo and behold, Ash's chainsaw chose this great moment to work. It roared to life with a rustic groan, sputtering and puttering about while spitting out bits of solidified oil.

'The king's _back _baby!' Ash quipped as he sprinted towards his evil alter ego. Somehow, the fact that his chainsaw was working caused his voice to have a much meatier and chocolatey tone, as if he became some kind of superhero merely by activating the cutting device, 'RUN!!' His (now) basso voice boomed. He took a swing at Evil Ash's head, effectively taking it off at the head.

The group didn't need a second invitation. Kouta took the lead, leading the group on a headless chicken quest to find the holy grail of the emergency stairway.

There was a half-chewed away sign that foretold the eastwards direction of the staircase.

'_This way!!'_ Kouta ran as hard as he could with a fifty pound weeping torso and head in his hands, paying little attention to the current progress of his hobbling posse. Lucy seemed to be the only one that could keep up with Kouta's frenetic nerd pace.

Kouta had a funny little run he always did when he was nervous or just plain holding a piss. His kick back would be ridiculously short, coupled by heel strikes that gave the overall impression of a duck waddling at hyper speed. The weight of Nana seemed to make him waddle more than usual.

Aika was shrieking something about how she wanted her mommy and her Paddington Teddy Bear while Akari joined in on a higher note, screeching about how she missed Manhome and her oni chan.

They reached the stair case, but much to Lucy's chagrin (she could have _sworn _it was some kind self fulfilling prophecy when she said she hoped there was no crowd of zombies near their destination.) there was incidentally a crowd of zombies blocking their way. It numbered to about twenty or thirty of them, but there was one particular figure that stood out in particular.

He was extremely tall, seven feet at the very least. He wore an immaculate business suit with a nameless gold name tag. His tie was a dull red, (The colour of blood, Lucy noted) and his shoes were extremely pointed. His face was the real feature here though. He possessed sparkling blue eyes that seemed to dance around every time he shifted them. His face was long, almost to the point of being cartoonish.

The creepiest feature, however, was the presence of a constant rosiness on his cheeks. It somehow looked artificial- like the makeup you would apply on a Peking opera artist.

His voice was unassuming and pleasant, almost hypnotic in tone, 'The name's Nyarlahotep. I assume you are meddlers?'

Lucy frowned and looked for something to say. Nothing came out. The man was just _too weird _for any viable description.

Akira decided to break it to the tall man that he was a sham, 'Look, buddy. Although you may look like a freaking merry realtor, I _know _you're behind all this, so just _shove out of the way, and-_

The being known as Nyarlahotep put up a hand. Lucy noticed that his pointer finger and his middle finger were the same length...

'No need to be so impertinent, young lady.' He chirped, although he looked _at the very most,_ a man in his early forties, 'Why don't you just _stay still _and accept your fates? There's really no point in fighting at this point.'

Lucy continued her deep frown and felt the throb come back into her nose as her annoyance began to build up, 'Are you saying we just _stand _here and be _eaten?'_

'_Exactly.'_ Nyarlahotep adjusted his tie, 'You see, I come with pleasant tidings from the great worm himself. I am under orders to _seize _this planet and commence operations from here.'

'Why would you want to do _that?'_ Akira snorted, 'What's so special about this eventless place _anyways?'_

Nyarlahoteps smile widened, 'For starters, I _know_ I didn't _choose _this place. The great worm needs sustenance you know, and he's intent on devouring _two _planets this year, namely...'

A notebook appeared out of nowhere and plopped into Nyarlahotep's exceedingly large hands, 'Let's see..._Manhome and Aqua in the year 2150._ He merely plans to have these extensions of his will.'

Nyarlahotep motioned the drooling zombies behind him, ' Deliver the devoured souls into his maw. These zombies don't merely just _eat _you- they make you become _one _with the great worm!'

'HOLD ON A SECOND!!' Lucy put out her hands in exasperation, 'So you're telling me...that an intergalactic _being _is aiming to devour _planets?_'

'The inhabitants, namely.' Nyarlahotep licked his lips in a very disturbing manner.

'Why the _fuck _should we just let that happen?' An unprecedented snarl from Alicia surprised everyone. Her face was a mask of rage as she clenched her teeth, 'If you do _anything _to hurt Akari, I'll-

'You'll join her in limbo soon enough.' Nyarlahotep chimed, ' It's all just a roulette sort of business anyways- since the great worm picks his targets from random time lines. Don't take it personally.'

'_Why...I'll...' _Alicia's fists clenched uncharacteristically, Her well manicured hands turned a ghostly white as she did so. Lucy was rather amused, since this helped prove her personal philosophy that anyone. _Anyone _when provoked to the right degree will shed all vestiges of their humanity and turn into a killing machine. Lucy ignored the pain in her nose as she witnessed Alicia's fuming anger.

Akira merely seemed uncharacteristically dumbfounded as she tried to hold back her blonde counterpart.

Nyarlahotep grinned like a jack-o-lantern, 'I see you're getting _agitated._ My minions don't really like spoiled meat...all those bad chemicals tend to seep into your cells when you're this anxious.' He took a step forward, 'It wouldn't really matter at this point. Soon I'll make mincemeat of that little pink haired girl in the sailor suit and _then _finish you off, since your discomfort simply _begs _to be meddled with.'

A low growl escaped from Alicia's tiny little lips. She launched her body forward like a white torpedo, seemingly with the intention of head butting Nyarlahotep in the stomach.

The incredibly tall being gave a light chuckle and swatted her away with a limp wristed hand. It_ would _have looked like a stereotypical homosexual movement in a lighter situation, but it the slapping sound it made when it connected with Alicia resounded throughout the room like flabby skin on a wet tile floor.

Blonde locks in perfect coordination and flow with the direction of her throw, Alicia's eyes widened a bit before her entire body created an indent in one of the dried walls.

Akari gave a wet sob as her sempai stuck on the wall for a moment like a dead fly, and _then_ slid down languidly onto the floor with a wet _thump._

Lucy, who never wasted an opportunity, chose this moment to make her attack on the tall freak, viciously delivering a kick to his crotch with the full intent of sending his balls flying into his stomach.

Surprisingly enough, Nyarlahotep gave strangled cough and doubled over on the floor, holding his presumably (and possibly permanently disabled) equipment, all the while choking out barely audible whispers for his zombies to attack.

Lucy had half expected that a supernatural being of his calibre would essentially _lack _the weakness o f human males, but maybe he was just bluffing. Maybe he was just a strange looking tall guy with an affinity for playing doctor Doolittle with zombies?

While Akari rushed over to save to her reeling sempai on the floor, the grunting Nyarlahotep on the floor snarled out orders in a slightly less strangled voice, causing his zombies to close in on the hapless travellers like a hungry gaping maw.

The sound of a chainsaw hitting something wet echoed into the area of fray, presumably giving the impression that Ash had beaten his doppelganger and was now skipping back in victory...

Unfortunately, it was not so. The original Ash came running out of the room in a panic, waving around a handless metal stump and screaming, 'HE'S GONNA GET ME!!' in a hyper speed fashion, almost making him look like he was being fast forwarded on an old TV set.

Evil Ash followed closely, brandishing Ash's chainsaw with an exaggerated vengeance. _Somehow,_ the chainsaw ran as smooth as a cat sliding on gasoline when Evil Ash handled it, the blade whirring flawlessly, (Lucy did not fail to realize that most of the rust was gone from the buzzing blade.) the sound of a motor running as sweet as a nut puttered in consistent intervals, almost _begging _an onlooker to look at the clean cut it made on Ash's pompadour.

Good Ash looked like he had squirmed one too many times at the barbers. Half of his previously bountiful hair was gone, replaced by an angled and sharp cut that suggested that if he had ducked any later, the chainsaw would have opened the top of his head like a Pez dispenser.

The good Ash had completely lost all traces of his original manly bravado, and literally _bowled _a zombie out of the way as he ran with jeans alight.

Before Lucy could spout out anything witty about Ash's cowardice, five zombies enclosed on her. They grabbed different parts of her body in the hopes of tearing her apart for convenient bite sized pieces.

Lucy gave a frustrated groan and punched one of the zombies in the eyes. Her knuckle effectively getting stuck in remaining mush of its undead brain.

Kouta was waving his laser cutter knife around with the spastic upper body movements of a reverse Elvis. His upper body twitched and jittered as he did a funny little dance to cover Mayu from the enclosing herd.

'Get away! I warn you! I'll cut you...' Kouta yelped as a zombie caught him in a rotting triangle lock, leaving way for his comrades to fall on Mayu.

Nana looked like she was in a planetarium, peacefully staring into the artificial stars without a care in the world. The way her eyes glazed over could have made her seem like a mannequin at first glance, but it did its part in protecting Nana from the group of zombies, as they merely thought of her as another piece of blackened rubble.

Akira was being set upon by _one _corpulent zombie, who had stolen her crutches and was now using them to beat the life out of her, 'STOP IT, YOU FAT PIG!!' Akira whinnied as the hard wood connected with one of her ribs, 'YOU WANNA PLAY SWORDS!? I'LL GIVE YOU SWORDS!!' Akira used her remaining crutch to block the hard onslaught, occasionally making feeble stabbing motions in an attempt to take advantage of a pseudo parry.

Akira saw a mess of blue hair pop up behind the zombie's head as she slowly realized that Aika had climbed onto the obese zombie like the five foot four monkey that she was.

Aika gave a desperate cry, 'DON'T...TOUCH...MY SEMPAI!!' She dug her fingers into the obese thing's excuses for eyeballs and swirled her fingers around the mush like a middle aged man stirs his coffee.

The fat thing gave a wet groan and fell _backwards, _of all the luck in the world.

Aika was now crushed under three hundred pounds of fat zombie, while Akira struggled to get up without the help of her other crutch.

Ash didn't really make to the escape stairway. He was accosted by a good amount of zombies, who found their chance to feast on the now falsetto trilling man. Ash's hands waved to and fro spastically like a hippie at a stoner concert as he struggled to back away from his lumbering attackers.

Lucy longed for the use of her vectors again. The hot garbage breath of the zombies blasted in her face in a thick miasma as she struggled to hold open a particularly hungry zombie's jaw.

'_I knew I should have stayed at home today...'_ Lucy thought crazily. She finally managed to shut the annoying gaping jaw with _so many _missing teeth. Gathering herself up, she punched the zombie in the stomach and incidentally tripped over a lanky zombie's leg.

She landed directly on Nyarlahotep, who gave another squealing curse as Lucy sat down on the middle area of his spine.

A white oar appeared out of nowhere and buried itself deep into the skull of one of the zombies harassing Mayu, creating simultaneously creating a new sound that combined all the best elements of crack and splash.

It was Athena and Alice, and they had _sharpened _oars.

In the back of Aika's dazed mind, (she couldn't help smelling rotting B.O. from the corpulent carcass on top of her), she _hoped _that the oars were the 'terrible two's ' old ones.

Athena stayed the silent killer as she brushed through the zombie crowd with agile and graceful ease, slicing through their ranks like a hot knife through butter. Limbs flew and torsos got cut in interesting ways as Athena continued her carnage, leaving her green haired charge with nothing to do other than stare dumb founded at her Sempai's hidden talent with weapons.

The ground now looked like a breathing carpet with pulsing and pumping viscera scattered to and fro. There were several detached hearts pumping on the ground (oh, the wonders of necromancy!) and talking heads of zombies that seemed to be begging for _someone _to reunite them with their bodies.

Nyarlahotep gave an inhuman growl and tossed Lucy to the side with superhuman ease, causing her a similar fate as the blonde undine, although _this _toss caused Lucy to fly straight _through _the dry wall.

'I AM NOT TO BE TOYED WITH!!' He screamed hoarsely in an attempt to recover his dignity, 'AZATHOTH WILL HAVE HIS WAY!!' He opened his mouth and breathed a measureable amount of fire directly at Kouta's face, a shot which he narrowly ducked with the only after effects being a singe on the back of his Doraemon T-Shirt.

'NANA!! CAN YOU HEAR ME!!' Kouta scuttled in search of the glaze eyed Diclonius. The group needed vectors, and _quick._ He finally found the amputation victim lying quite dazed on a pile of rubble, partially concealed by a Styrofoam board from the ceiling.

Nyarlahotep gave another roar, spouting out a burst of _lava _at the fallen Lucy, who was in the process of staggering up.

If it were not for the quick and precise actions of Lucinda, (who apparently chose this time to come out of hiding from behind the presidential desk,) Lucy would have been turned into a melted pile of charred flesh with slight resemblances to horribly burnt cherry pie with spilled fillings, courtesy of her reddish pink hair.

Her bandaged and evil alter ego fired up her vectors, causing the fireball to bounce harmless into the other side of the room, which, (with the most charming of luck,) hit one of the silk curtains, starting up a blaze that would eventually consume the entire hospital in flames.

'Alright!' Lucy flexed her vectors, (yes, that was quite possible.) and smiled toothily at the fuming Nyarlahotep, ' Lucy's _back in business!'_ She celebrated the end of her victorious declaration with a vicious sweep of all four of her vectors.

She expected the thin, swarthy man to come apart like a loosely assembled lego model, but the impact and subsequent aftershock of her vectors _bouncing off _Nyarlahotep's body came as a nasty shock to Lucy. All her attack did was stun him for a moment.

Nyarlahotep breathed heavily and sighed sarcastically, 'I _really _didn't want to do this, but I have no other choice...'

To her dismay, Lucy realized that the rest of the group was now cowering behind her, as if _expecting _her to save them from the mess. Alicia was visibly knocked out, as there was an ugly bruise spreading over the right side of her face. She _could _have sustained some internal bleeding, but that would have to wait. Lucy secretly hoped, (with some measure of guilt,) that Alicia's face would become permanently deformed, giving way to a necessary paper bag being put on her head with a happy face drawn on it...

Lucy shook her head slightly. Maybe all that impact to her nose was causing _her _brain to malfunction slightly.

She would have believed _anything _that happened, but nothing could have prepared her for the sudden and _random _sight of a corpulent man in a striped shirt,tight jeans stepping out of the shadows behind Nyarlahotep.

The freakishly tall arch demon sneered, '_This,_ is Chris-chan, and that is all you need to know about him. He is my super weapon, and you will live long enough to be strangled by your own intestines.'

Lucy almost felt the urge to snigger if it were not for the slightly maniacal gleam in the fat man's eyes.

He had a slightly reedy voice as he spoke, ' This fine gentleman here is going to help me find my _one true love_ if I agreed to become his..._guinea pig._' Chris-Chan grinned, exposing the full extent of his flabby cheeks, 'With these..._powers, _the jerkops will _never..._NEVER tear my HEART APART!!'

Lucy screwed up her face in an effort to comprehend the flabby man's words, 'Can...you _say _that again?' Lucy herself was perplexed to the point being frozen to the spot.

Akari gave a pathetic sounding squeak, breaking the silence that followed.

Chris Chan looked at Akari and smiled in a paedophilic sort of way, 'You...my sweet little flower, are boy friend free, am I correct?'

Akari's eyes seemed to die a little inside, '_No...'_ She whimpered as Chris Chan took lumbering steps toward the terrified Undine.

The group suddenly gained a sort of collective mentality as they crowded in front of Akari, meaning to create a human wall against their creepy attacker.

Chris Chan merely continued his lumbering steps. He raised a funny looking medallion around his neck that seemed to be clobbered together at the last minute out of Crayola Magic.

Lucy turned her head to and fro from Nyarlahotep to Chris Chan, not sure what to think. The whole affair so far was not too far removed from a bad dream fuelled by late night Doritos and alcohol. Lucy pinched herself slightly again to make sure the whole thing wasn't the limbo she slid into whenever Nyuu took over.

Surely enough, her eyesight registered Chris Chan with full clarity. Without even thinking, her vectors launched forward and aimed for the strange man's kidneys, aiming to tear them out and fling them against a wall with a satisfying _splat._

Once again, Lucy felt the strange aftershock as her vectors were repelled rather rudely. She could have sworn there was a wall of yellow light blocking her attack, giving off a slight _ping _as the shield bounced her supposedly unstoppable and deadly attack.

Lucy frowned and tried again. The same effect was met, drawing a chubby chuckle from Chris Chan in the striped 12 year old polo shirt.

'You can't defeat the power of the Sonichu _Medallion!'_ He shrieked in a slightly cracked voice. He waved his hands around like a spastic octopus, 'Let's make this _very clear!_ There are sweethearts here that I want to spend the rest of my _life _with, and I will _not _take no for an answer!'

The sound of cracking high grade alloy filled the room as an assault from Athena bounced off harmlessly from the shield made by the 'Sonichu' medallion that hung itself so comfortably around Chris Chan's flabby neck.

Athena gave a strangled gasp as Chris Chan used a strange brand of telekinesis and lifted her up into the air. Lucy crazily thought of the copyright infringements that Kouta would report to George Lucas if he were in full nerd throttle mode.

Surely enough, he was still making feeble attempts that trying to wake Nana up. Her eyes remained dull and lifeless as she continued to stare into the ceiling.

Chris Chan turned Athena around like a roast on a spittle, 'I see you haven't experienced any _hanky panky yet._' He said in a voice dripping with all the intent of a seventy year old pervert, 'But don't _worry._ I'll make sure you make a daughter named _Crystal _with me...'

The group regained its collective consciousness and launched themselves at the 25 year old man child. Obviously, the all powerful yellow shield that encompassed Chris Chan sent them all flying in different directions. It was as though the corpulent figure had some sort of control over the degree of _bounciness _on his shield.

Nyarlahotep looked on approvingly, 'As you can see, there is no stopping him. He is..._my trump card of sorts._ Rarely have I seen a human with such _potential _for demonic power. Under my tutelage, he will become a most useful servant to the outer gods...'

He stepped over to a grinning Chris Chan, who was busily mumbling something similar to gloating out of his bloated frame, '_Finish off _Lucy, then you can have your fun with them.'

Chris Chan gave a high pitched squeal of delight.

Lucy cringed, 'I'll give you the lipo suction of your _life, _tubby!' She tried to initiate her vectors once again, but found herself being grabbed by some kind of invisible force, ' _Don't _even try to go against the all powerful force of _Sonichu...'_ Chris Chan intoned in an oily manner.

'LUCY!!' Kouta ran over like a brainless scarecrow on a quest to save his love from certain doom.

'KOUTA! DON'T COME NEAR HIM!! HE'LL-

Kouta's face dented inwards with the complete sounds of a trash compactor being shoved into flesh.

Giving out a wet scream, the hapless nerd flew ten feet backwards and landed heavily in a pile of debris.

Ash was dragged back into the room by his evil counterpart. Evil Ash had not failed to inflict a few more warning cuts on Ash's body. The poor man must have struggled quite a bit, as the previously heroic cleft chinned anti hero was now struggling for breath, occasionally coughing out a small measure of blood in response to a deep cut on his stomach.

'Here you go boss.' Evil Ash tossed the moaning carcass of Ash at Nyarlahotep's feet, 'Took me a while to catch the chicken, but it was worth it. He's got an attitude, this one...'

Chris Chan looked at the disabled Ash on the floor and snarled in his perpetually childish voice, '_He's _going to steal all the sweet hearts away from me. Can I hurt him a bit more _later?'_

Nyarlahotep smiled broadly, 'Of course you can, dear boy. Just knock out that pink haired bitch, and then you can have your fun.'

Chris Chan panted heavily. His immense stomach heaved up and down as he looked Lucy in the eyes. His lower lip trembled like a dying trout, 'I can't _wait _to have a taste of _you, _sweetheart...' He gave a sudden spasm and a hiccup.

Lucy almost threw up.

'Don't worry...this won't hurt _at all...'_

Lucy felt a shooting pain on top of her head. It was as if somebody had smashed one of her horns to smithereens with a clumsy and immense hammer.

Indeed, one of her horns was powdered into oblivion. The remnants rained down on the ground like wet chalk as Chris Chan gave out a girly laugh.

Lucy felt the world slipping away from her. She would have thought it nice to write _some kind of will _before a meaningless death in another time and place...

She saw blackness.


	6. Chapter 6

LUCY IN AQUALAND PART 6

Author's note: In case you guys are wondering just _who _Chris Chan is, I suggest you go to Encyclopaedia Dramatica. Com to find out more on the guy. Once you read the who article, you will understand _everything._ In short, he is a creep. Once again, try to review it. I need some suggestions on how to end the story, as I am currently blank on how to conclude it....it _will _most likely come to an end at part 10 or 11, but that depends....

Ba-bump, went Lucy's nose. She felt like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as she came to. She fell off something and landed softly on the floor, which was a plush carpet embroidered with designs of....

'_Pikachu?'_ Lucy inquired as she stared dumb founded at the strange thing on the floor.

'_No, this isn't Pikachu. It LOOKS like Pikachu, but it's....'_

Lucinda gave an exasperated groan in her head, '_It's SONIC! Dumbass. Learn your popular culture, Neko.'_

Lucy looked at the carpet on the floor and temporarily forgot about her wretched nose. She giggled a bit as she finally came up with a name for the strange hybrid on the floor, '_It's....Pika sonic? No....it's Sonichu!' _ Lucy giggled crazily as her eyes rolled around the room.

The first thing she noticed was that _everybody _was chained to the wall with some kind of furry bondage apparatus. It was faux leopard fur of all things, making it look rather disturbing on the thick and hammy wrists of Ash, who was busily snoring with a trail of snot running down his nose.

Lucy realized that she kind of felt lightheaded herself, coming to the conclusion that that 'fat man' had given them some kind of potent sedative. How long had she been knocked out?

Lucy looked at her free limbs.

And _why _was she the only one that was free?

For that matter, where did Akari go?

There were several TV's stationed around the room. Lucy expected at any moment that Jigsaw would pop up on one of the screens and intone, 'Hello, Lucy.....blah blah blah something about you being unappreciative about life....'

One of the TV's were on, and it showed Akari being stationed in a room similar to the one Lucy was stuck in.

As Lucy's vision cleared to about six hundred degrees, she realized that the room was chock _full _of toys and memorabilia all the way from the mid nineties all the way to her time.

It consisted mostly of Pokemon, Digimon, and plush toys from unknown anime. Lucy noted wit h some amusement that there was the random anime bikini figurine stacked inconspicuously among the rows of Charizards and electronic buzzing Anoriths. One of them was Naru from Love Hina, a show that Lucy detested to the point where she considered writing a letter to Ken Akamatsu about his atrocious manga ka skills.

It _would _have looked like a normal spoilt child's room, but there were several factors that marred the innocent atmosphere.

First off, Lucy took note of the multi coloured dildos that lined the walls. They were of hilariously varying sizes, all the way to a monstrous fourteen inch cock with rubber spikes all over it.

There were anal beads, Hentai Magazines, bottles upon bottles of scented lubricants and lotion, and to top it all off, there were eight blow up dolls positioned around the room, each seemingly doing their own thing. Love Doll Megumi was sitting comfortably on a chair reading, (of all things,) a children's night time storybook, and Pleasure Doll Hitomi was standing by the bookshelves, as if trying to pick out a suitable Hentai magazine for a lonely night.

They were of exceptional quality, suggesting the loser that purchased them was _drowning _in cash.

Lucy gagged in disgust and observed the lighting, which was dimmed to the point of making the room seem like a sleazy downtown sex boutique, (give or take away a few Pokemon Toys.)

Alicia was slowly waking up. She was visibly sore from being launched into a wall by an uber demon. The way she moved suggested that her hips would _never _be the same again. Lucy winced a little as she made an attempt to slide off the bed. _Somebody _had rough handled her...and....

_Stole her panties._

Lucy gave a slight yelp as she attempted to cover up the view she had just made by hitching up her skirt. That Chris Chan freak had....

Lucy gave a low growl and envisioned using her vectors to rip out globules of fat from the man child, blob by blob.

The first that popped out of Alicia's mouth (not surprisingly) was, 'Where's Akari!?'

It came out sounding like a rusty unturned version of her previously melodious voice, ( stomach acid does that to your throat) which culminated in Lucy almost clapping her hands over her ears in disgust, 'She's over there, I guess.' Lucy pointed at the television screen with a casual thumb, 'She's in another room or something....'

'AKARI!!' The malnourished blonde struggled against her bonds with admirable desperation, giving up only after she realized that any further jerking would dislocate her joints.

Sure enough, her racket woke up the rest of the motley crew. Akira gave a groan and rubbed her eyes wearily. Her leg was cast in some kind of splint, (the colour _pink _of all the colours. How she _hated _pink.) She said in a hoarse voice, 'Can someone _please _tell me where we are?' She sounded a little bored. Not that anyone could blame her though. All the events that transpired were enough to make a normal human bored at the prospect of facing yet _another _supernatural situation.

'I think we're in Chris Chan's room.' Lucy shrugged and picked up a die cast Sonichu toy, 'Can't really say we've got a lack of things to do here though....'

Lucy felt her stomach do a gymnastic routine when a soft voice came from the top of the shelf, 'Can someone get down from here?' Lucy looked up and saw a limbless, (and naked) Nana perched on the very top of the porno magazine shelf. She was put on some kind of pedestal, almost making it look like she was some kind of oversized limited edition sculpted bust of an obscure anime heroine.

Lucy grunted as she reached for the hapless diclonius. Her vectors weren't really working yet- the pain in the center of her skull was still persisting with a vengeance.

Setting a (still) glaze eyed Nana down on the squishy bed, Lucy gave a sigh and crossed her legs, covering up the view that Kouta would inevitably find quite arousing. Not that he hadn't seen it before though. They _did _have protected sex several months before, but given the fact that both of them were virgins, the whole affair was a grinding and awkward process.

'_Nothing like you see in those steamy romance movies.'_ Lucy thought dejectedly as she played with the faded Sonichu toy.

'I _demand _an explanation.' Growled Akira, 'You _definitely _had something to do with this mess. For all I know, Neo Venezia's in _flames _right now! And it's all you and your....your....' Akira looked at the snoring Ash and slapped him on the cheek, 'WAKE UP, PIG!!'

'Wuh, oh, wuh,wuh?' Ash snapped his head around several times before realizing that the furious face of Akira was looming down at him with a killing intent.

'Wuhhh....What's up, doc?' Ash quipped, earning another slap from Akira.

'_Don't need _to be so harsh, sugar....' Ash rubbed his cheek. He leaned out of the way, completely getting rid of Akira's limited range of striking.

Her chains gave a _cling! _As it notified her of its presence. Akira deflated, 'This is _great...._just GREAT! We're stuck in some pedophile freak's room, _and _we're probably going to-

'Get raped? Yeah, probably.' Lucy said dully. She looked around the room, 'No way out. No door _I _can see....'

Alicia started to weep, '_Why _did I drag Akari into this....Why.....'

'Don't be too hard on yourself. It's not your fault.' Akira said gruffly. It was quite obvious that she wasn't used to patching up emotional situations, 'We'll get her back....'

Lucy rolled her eyes, almost laughing at the thought, 'And just _how _are we going to get out of here?'

'_You _are the only one that's untied.' Athena pointed out in a dull voice. She seemed to have lost the operatic edge to her vocal abilities, ' I'm guessing you can....erm...._release....us?'_

Lucy gave a groan, 'But without my vectors, I've only the strength of a normal _human!_ How the hell am I supposed to-

Kouta gave a toad like croak as he snapped into consciousness. He shook Mayu awake, as well as the battered Yuka, who now looked like some kind of weird alien with the blood clot in her eye.

'Lucy....why are you...the only one....that's untied.....' Kouta moaned, 'I feel nauseous....'

Lucy tightened her crossed legs guiltily, 'Can't really explain _why. _Maybe he's-

'_Maybe the Chris Chan creep is planning to violate you. Maybe he's the type that gets turned on by resistance?' _Lucinda inquired in an oily voice.

Lucy mouthed the words, '_Shut the fuck up_.' To her evil alter ego and managed a weak smile at Kouta, 'I actually don't really know. Maybe this is some kind of...._game?'_

'Like that..._Saw _movie?' Mayu peeped, 'I don't wanna die....'

Kouta stroked Mayu's hair in a surprisingly fatherly fashion, a role that Lucy never thought Kouta would have the responsibility of fulfilling, or even _acting out _for that matter.

Yuka gave a wet grunt and attempted to slide next to Kouta.

Lucy _would _have said something snarky about Yuka's inability to talk if it were not for the dire situation at hand.(Her jawbone was broken by the fiascos that occurred.)

'Ungh nugh ngugh....' She cooed at Kouta, attempting to lay her head down on his shoulders but utterly failing due to the furry chains that held her back.

Akira gave a loud sigh, attempting to break the tension that was almost _visibly _forming in the air between Lucy and the bulge eyed brown haired girl, '_This..._is _not _what I expected on my two week leave. She peered at Aika, who was giving out deep snores and drooling out some kind of purple substance. It didn't take a genius to figure out that she overdosed a little bit on the sedative. The fact that it was purple matched the kiddish theme of the whole shenanigan.

Akira wondered if it tasted like grape, 'I was planning to spend some time with Aika at Neverland, but _that's _all gone to pot now.....'

She glared at Ash, who shrugged nonchalantly, 'Look sugar, I don't know _why _you keep on blaming _me, _but I can _assure _you that I had _nothing _to do with those-

He noted Lucy's annoyed look and decided to change his response, lest the diclonius decided to rip off his head later, 'Okay, I had _something _to do with those zombies, but I literally just _fought them _several hours before I landed in this.....' He searched for a word that would top hellhole, but found an even more ridiculous expression slipping out of his mouth, ' Waterhole. I don't know, but I definitely, _definitely, _know nothing about that....thin guy in the suit, and that Chris chan guy....I swear....' Ash licked his lips nervously. He took note that his chainsaw had been confiscated .It wasn't working anyways, so it didn't really matter.

Alicia kept her eyes glued to the televisions screen. The little pink haired figure in the middle of _another _room of a freakish man child was curled up in a ball, crying helplessly as she...._listened _to something. Perhaps the message was blocked out, but _something _was definitely speaking to her. She kept on wincing and shuddering at the end of every 'sentence'. The vocals were mostly obscured by quiet static, but Alicia _could _make out something out of the quiet jumbled mess. She could make out , '_Sweetheart', _and something along the lines of ' _girlfriend.'_

Alicia's face turned puce as she put together the pieces, 'HE'S GOING TO RAPE MY AKARI!!'

Lucy felt the intense urge for a double face palm.

'Ya _think?_' Lucy intoned sarcastically, '_Why _would he isolate her from us like that then? To _look _at her?'

Alicia gave a great wail of despair and gave herself a face palm.

Nana was muttering something under her breath- it was as if she was secretly reciting some kind of incantation to get the group out of the man child's room.

Wait a second, Nana had vectors.

Lucy snapped her head sideways to face a baleful Nana, who stopped her soliloquy short and stared at her arch nemesis with teary eyes.

Lucy felt a pang of guilt seeing Nana like this, but this was no time to feel sorry for the almost fully doll-ified shadow of Nana's former self, 'Can you still use your vectors?' Lucy inquired in the gentlest voice she could possibly muster. Nana didn't seem to mentally stable at the moment.

The limbless husk of a personality twitched her head slightly, '_what _vectors?' She murmured in a voice tinged with ancient wisdom, ' I can't use them anymore....' She then fell back into self contemplation as she let her limbless body tumble backwards onto the bed.

'_Like a dead bug.'_ Lucy thought offhandedly.

She felt a cold wind go up her behind and suddenly realized that in her rush to interrogate , the _entire _view of both her privates were facing Kouta and company.

Kouta was busily pretending he didn't see anything, all the while shielding Mayu's eyes from the sight. The funny thing was that Kouta and Ash were not the only ones with tomatoes for a face. Akira also joined the blushing party with a face that had a slight hue of puce.

Lucy gave an uncharacteristic girl yelp and shot back into her cross legged position.

Akira looked a little disappointed, while Ash was still looking at Lucy with a string of drool running down his mouth.

'_What?'_ Lucy snapped. Her face was burning, 'Never seen a girl's _thing _before?' She put in a little bit of condescension just for safety.

Ash smiled his maddening smile, ' Toned legs you've got there.'

Lucy flipped Ash the bird, sending off an awkward silence that was marred only by Alicia's weepy tirades.

Athena busily toyed with her handcuffs. It was as if she expected to find some sort of magic _clicking _mechanism that would unlock the cuffs if she just _touched _and wandered her fingers around the thing in _just _the right manner.

'Look, this isn't Hellraiser.' Kouta said dreamily, 'It isn't going to open just like that.....'

Akira found herself staring at a mass of magenta hair. Lucy had slipped silently from her perch and decided to do a little investigation on the structure of the chains.

Surely enough, they were hammered into the wall with metal plates for good measure. It _would _have looked like a dry wall from far away, but in actuality, it was solid steel, painted with the stucco texture of an off white powder structured wall.

With a sudden jerking motion, Lucy pulled on the chain with almost enough force to dislocate her own shoulders. Some stupid wishful thinking had caused her to believe (albeit momentarily, )that she had the hidden strength to _bend steel._

Instead, all she got was two sore shoulders. She collapsed on the floor and gave a huff of frustration.

Akira twitched her mouth, 'What was _that _for?'

'Just...._wishful thinking.'_ Lucy said under her breath. Her vectors were _still _not coming out. They _had _come out temporarily when Nyarlahotep launched the fireball at her, but that was probably just a fluke. For all she knew, her vectors might never come out again.

_And _she was missing one horn. Would that mess up her hormones and give her a hairy chest or something? A diclonius losing one of her horns was like....a guy losing his mojo, or something like that.

Athena was still running her fingers over the lock and staring at it with a child-like wonder.

Akira gave Lucy a look that said, '_She's always like this.'_ And turned back to watching the purple ooze slide out of Aika's mouth.

Lucy suddenly took note that the green haired girl was absent. Maybe she had been _eaten _by that Chris Chan guy? She wouldn't put it past the freak to be a cannibal like Jeffery Dahmer or something.

So far, nothing was happening to Akari inside the TV. It seemed like he was _saving _them like delicious morsels for later consumption.

Then again, _why _would Chris Chan keep Kouta and Ash alive? Maybe he was going to assert his male superiority by raping her _in front of _them?

Lucy slid back and felt the intense urge for a mirror. She was pretty sure she was looking like a clown that hocked up too much cocaine in one fell swoop.

'Kouta, do I look like....a _clown _right now?'

Kouta looked at Lucy, pondered over the analogy, and started to repress and chuckle, 'Sorry to break it to you, but....your nose _is kind _of battered.

Akira raised an eyebrow, 'I think it's broken. I don't think you have anything left to bleed out.'

Lucy ran her fingers gently over her blob of a nose, 'I look like a drunken Irishman right now.' She noted drily, 'How I wish I can get this treated....it feels like something _plastic's _stuck up my nose....'

Akira snorted and tried to put an arm around a distraught Alicia, who was paying close attention to Akari TV screen.

'Well Kouta....just when we were about to live out our lives, _this _happens.' Lucy decided to fully ignore the presence of the battered Yuka.

'Yeah....I guess....' Kouta gave a sigh of defeat, 'Looks like _nothing's _meant to work out for us, eh?'

'It's like we're _jinxed _or something.' Lucy meant this whole heartedly. Their relationship was rockier than a craggily etched piece of gravel burnt by sulphuric acid.

'Still....at least we're all together right now.' Kouta ruffled Mayu's hair with a generous amount of clinking with his chains, 'We were about to give you home schooling too....'

Akira jumped in, 'Well, life's a _bitch._ Being a lesbian doesn't really help either....'

Alicia's eyes opened as wide as ostrich eggs as she snapped her head away from the TV set. She had temporarily forgotten about her worries towards the huddled figure in the screen, 'Alicia san you're....'

'Yeah, that's right. I think it's 'bout time I told everyone. I'm a dyke! So live with it and be merry.'

'No, I mean-

'What? That you didn't see the signs all along? I act so butch I can freaking _body build-_

'NO!' Alicia yelled out this line with an ear shattering scream.

The whole room fell silent.

A Pikachu fell off its perch and landed on Love Doll Hitomi's lap.

'I mean....I'm sorry....' Alicia gave a teary little sniff and wiped her nose, 'I meant....I'm the same as you, Akira san.'

Akira looked like someone had stuck a pin up her ass, '_What?_ ' She narrowed her eyes, 'In the context of.....

'I'M IN LOVE WITH AKARI!!' She shrieked in that parrot like voice. Lucy noted with a hint of amusement that Alicia's voice degenerated from a melodious flute, to poorly tuned flute , to _rusty _flute all the way into the grating screech of a parrot.

Even Athena seemed swept out of her reverie as she took time to digest this new piece of information.

Akira cleared her throat, '_Well,_ looks like we have a _double _confession today.'

She glared at Ash as if daring him to contradict their sexual preferences. Ash merely shrugged, 'Doesn't really matter to _me._ I never really knew you guys.'

'That's....quite brave of you.' Lucy grudgingly admitted. She herself would have never found the courage to stand up on stage in front of complete strangers and scream 'I'M A DICLONIUS! LIVE WITH IT, BITCH!' But then again, impending doom was staring the group straight in the face. Perhaps they were making a last minute confession before their demise at the hands of Chris Chan?

Alicia wiped a tear away, 'I fell in love with Akari at first sight.....her cute smile, her constantly confused and misguided optimism....I don't think she even _noticed _any of the _signs.'_ Alicia paused for a moment, 'Maybe except that time I stared too long at her at the breakfast table. Her reaction was so cute....' Alicia jabbed a finger at the television and wailed, 'AND NOW SHE'S GOING TO DIE WITHOUT KNOWING MY TRUE FEELINGS!!'

Akira looked at Alicia sadly, 'Oh, _shit...._that's _horrible...._ if only we can _get out _of this fucking _mess!_ HELP!! HEEELP!!!' She called several more times and finally gave up, guessing that the room was somewhere underground. The place had an earthy and oppressive smell to it- the smell of fresh soil after a heavy rain. Furthermore, there were brown stains on the ceiling, maps to unknown lands beyond the room of the man child.

Lucy looked at the Sonichu clock at the other end of the room. It perpetually read 6:00. The second hand moved up and down in a spastic and erratic manner as if possessed by some kind of clock demon.

She had had nothing to eat for the past ten _hours, _(possibly more if one counted the time she was knocked out.) and her stomach complained heartily.

Kouta found Mayu sleeping on his shoulder, (with ogre like grunts of complaint from the broken Yuka) and said silently, 'It smells like an old library in here....'

Nobody bothered to correct him.

Alice was in a jam.

Chris Chan was taking off his clothes in front of the befuddled 13 year old, his man boobs shown in their full glory as he threw down his striped shirt in a foppish flourish.

Alice had been the first to receive the honour of being Chris Chan's 'one true love.' She guessed he picked her because she was the youngest, seeing his not-so-subtle hinting at being a full blown paedophile.

Surprisingly enough, the oaf was stupid enough to _assume _that she would succumb to him like a swooning 30's movies star falling into her hero's arms.

Several glass eyed zombies were guarding the room, almost saying in their stoic poses, 'We saw nothing, continue on with your _hanky panky.'_

Chris Chan giggled in his reedy voice, 'I think it's time _y-y-you...._took off your clothes....Alice... ch-chan....'

The 13 year old looked at the 25 year old virgin with a dumb founded incredulity and looked back at the two guards at the door. They were certainly burly enough, as their vice grips prevented Alice from even _wiggling _in their clutches. If she were to escape now, it would be snack time for the zombies.

And Chris Chan had said something about his 'special powers' and how he would _use them _if she was not willing.

Alice gave a gulp as Chris Chan started to glow a sickly yellow. His Sonichu powers were manifesting themselves as the grin on his face grew wider and wider, '_Yes...._Yessss.....'He moaned in a squeaky voice as Alice took off her Undine uniform.

_Somewhere _she had a fully formulated plan in her mind, she was still working on it, but she would get there eventually. It would involve something with...._yes, _something with the rows upon rows of dildos lined up along the walls. Some of them would be long enough to use as weapons....

Alice's prodigy mind worked itself overtime as she started to undress as slowly as possible.

Chris Chan, poor deluded fool that he was, thought she was _teasing _him, and started to scream out his Sonichu theme song as some sort of victory anthem.

Alice ignored the man child's overbearing screeches and focused her thoughts on the _sixteen inch _dildo that stood on the top shelf. It would require some luck, but it would take a large amount of persuasive skills on her part, something the dominant introvert in herself _refused _to comply with.

She put on her best seductive smile, (which was marred by the presence of braces.) and cooed to Chris Chan, '_Chriiss.... _can I go get that _big, BIG _pickle from the top shelf?'

Chris Chan paused. He had a special name for cocks and this girl remembered it. This one was _special._

A fat grin spread over his sweat beaded face as he worked up the not-so-sizeable bulge in his underwear.

Alice tried to do the Geisha walk that Akari jokingly taught her once, (she said it would get men to faint.) but failed miserably, making it look like a bastardization of the moon walk .

Chris Chan seemed to be salivating on the floor, each of his dog-like pants punctuated with a slimy sounding _ugh _from the bottom of his throat.

Alice tried to replay the chain of events in her mind. This morning....just this _morning _she was still practising at becoming a single, and possibly skipping a grade into being an undine. Just this goddamn _time at noon _she was still having a nice tea with her sempai. She remembered it was some kind of lemon zinger or something along that line. _Everything _went to pot when they received that call from the Himeya company.

She looked back at the flappy pedo with his jiggling man boobs and frowned. It was like she fell down into the rabbit hole and ended up with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, (now that she thought about it, Chris Chan shared an uncanny resemblance to the creepy twins, along with the slight copper he possessed in his hair.) Alice climbed onto the big, soft bed that was _at least _twice the girth of a king sized bed and retrieved the dildo with some measure of strain on her delicate hips. She hadn't bothered to stretch nor move them much, given her profession. The stillness of her body dictated the smooth sailing of the gondola.

It was a terrible rubbery thing, with a jelly-like texture over a mechanical tube of plastic that most likely took more than four fat batteries to power.

She smiled at Chris Chan with her crazy looking grin and tried her hardest to blush. She simply thought about Al Kun and what he would look like naked. Surprisingly enough, it did the trick- her face turned a slight shade of pink, causing Chris Chan to think that she would actually _enjoy _being raped by him.

Now was the tricky part.

'Chris Chan?' She cooed in a voice that desperately tried to hide her need to retch.

'Y-y-y-yes?' He stuttered. It was quite apparent that he had never been this close in proximity to a female before.

Alice started to have second thoughts about her plan as she started to say it out loud, 'Can you...._bend over? _I'll make you feel _soooo _good....'

First of all, how would she get past the two body guards? _And _Chris Chan would only be distracted for a minute.

Chris Chan thought for a moment, and put a finger to his lips in childish contemplation. He looked like a fat human version of Winnie the Pooh fifty years older, ' Promise not to do anything...._naughty?'_ He giggled, '

Alice felt bile crawl up her throat as she murmured in the best voice she could, 'I'll....I'll stroke your...._pickle _for you. Erm....from...._behind.....'_

'Yes, and then?' Chris Chan's Sonichu medallion bounced again his man boobs as he shook in excitement, 'Will you...._pleasure _yourself with that black pickle? Like- like how those girls in th-those Hentai movies do? Y-y-you know....I know a bit on the subject....'

Alice felt the intense need to burst out laughing uncontrollably, but let it out as a shuddering groan. If she had laughed, who _knows _what kind of Sonichu powers her would unleash on her if she made him feel inadequate?

'I'll....I'll do just that....' She felt like she was doing a bad impression of a fat whore from Texas. She had unintentionally put a drawl into her voice, which seemed to make a sizeable impression on the not-so-substantial pickle Chris Chan possessed.

In a flash of events, she found herself _behind _Chris Chan, who was expecting her to stroke him from _behind _with her 'sharp little fingers,' As he liked to call it.

The huffing and puffing behemoth in front of her had an immense ass crack filled with cellulite, and Alice _knew _she would have to put _all _her strength into the endeavour if she wanted it to work.

She would think of something to deal with the zombies later. Maybe the rocking horse in the corner of the room would do? All she had to do was incapacitate them long enough to make her escape.

The Sonichu Medallion swung to and fro like a hypnotic yoyo as Chris Chan bobbed his head up and down, 'Stop _teasing _me baby....just be my sweetheart....._SWEETHEART!!' _ He squealed this last line like a stuck pig. It was almost enough to make Alice feel sorry for the man. The way he said it made it seem so innocent....He screeched it again in a higher pitched voice and lost all vestiges of pity Alice might have had for him.

Alice raised the black weapon like Excalibur and mumbled, 'Here it comes, you fat pig.'

'_Wut?'_ Was the last thing the Chris Chan said before the black dildo was shoved up his ass with surprising savage strength from Alice.

It felt like pushing a sharp stick through loose mud, but her strength did the trick. It was probably because of her days a pitcher on the little league team back in grade one, but then again, his ass was spread _wide _open. For all she knew, she could have shoved it all the way up into his intestines.

Chris Chan gave a scream that shattered all boundaries of the sonic spectrum, seeming to shake the very foundations of his toy laden walls with his outburst. He lurched forward and fell over on the floor with a wet _splat. _Sure enough, the dildo was stuck fast, and it was somewhere in his sphincter.

The two zombies looked around the room like nothing happened.

The fat pig was in no shape to bark out commands at his minions, so Alice took the chance and bolted towards the door with the best of her 100 meter record back at school. She didn't even bother to grab her undine uniform as she kicked the door....

And found out it was _locked._

The two zombies stared down at her apologetically, as if to say, '_Sorry buddy, the doors close at 8:00, but you can always come back tomorrow for happy hour....'_

'DAMMIT!!' Alice screamed, pounding her fists on the whitewashed door.

Chris was still rolling around on the ground in pain. The dildo was shoved quite far up his ass, and it was causing his bowels to rumble dangerously....

'AHHhhhh....AHhhhh!!! I CAN'T GET IT OUT......' Chris Chan's chubby fingers flailed around in search of the foreign object, but it seemed that he was too scared to touch the insides of his own ass.

Speaking of which, Alice looked at her fingers and realized that they were caked with shit, goopy shit to be exact. The exact type of shit was now spraying out of Chris Chan's ass like chocolate rain, promoting more howls of pain from the quivering mound of blubber on the ground.

Spurts upon spurts of fecal matter spewed forth from his arse, caking the fluffy carpet in stinky chocolate, much to the stoic indifference of the zombies.

Alice decided to launch a particularly useful kick she learned from Undine Self Defense Class at the door. It would only be a matter of moments before the crying shit caked man child on the floor regained enough composure to use his powers.

The zombies looked at her quizzically as Alice repeatedly struck the door with a skipping donkey kick. It took her two or three tries, but the door eventually _buckled _a little bit, leaving a sizeable bruise on the her soles as she retracted her foot, aiming to shoulder check her way through the door.

She felt an invisible force grab her from the back.

Chris Chan was up and running, and the brown complemented the sickly yellow light that surrounded him, kind of like yellow frosting on a chocolate cupcake.

'I've got you _now...._why did you do that to me?' He said almost sadly, 'I only wanted to make a daughter named _Crystal _with you....'

He waved a flabby arm at the two burly zombies. 'Hold her....I'm afraid this is going to take longer than I imagined....'

'_I was so close....I was so fucking close....'_ Thought Alice in despair as she gazed longingly at the semi caved in door. Chris Chan's dick was erect, and he was waddling towards her in literal baby steps.

Alice felt a rage come over her. She could be at home _knitting _right now, knitting on her favourite scarf, which was intended as a Christmas present for Athena. Here she was on this misadventure, being on the brink of being raped by some kind of fat virgin without a speck of maturity in his head.

Alice gave a frustrated scream from the bottom of her stomach, culminating in a savage scream that almost equalled Chris Chan's in terms of timbre.

Luckily for her, this little venting of her stress, caused Chris Chan to _slip _on his own puddle of shit, causing the man child to fall on his back with a sickening _splash._ Alice was pretty sure the fall paralyzed or winded him, as she saw no visible effort on his part in controlling his fall. He just hit the floor like a bag of wet cement.

Alice would not allow for the zombies to receive more instructions from their corpulent master. She viciously swung her heel into one zombie's crotch, all the while biting down on the rotting flesh of the other.

Both of the burly zombies gave moans of surprise and immediately let go of the rabid green haired girl. Alice had literally bitten off more than she could chew- she had a dripping piece of flesh in between her teeth crawling with specks of wiggling carrion.

She spat out the piece of putrid meat in disgust. It had a sort of _chlorine _taste to it- a rancid version of a mouthful of swimming pool water.

Alice knocked over a Hello Kitty High Chair as she scrambled onto the bed, closely pursued by the two zombies and a crawling Chris Chan, quite wary of the slimy substance on the ground now.

What she would give for Aika to be here and help her with those judo skills....Akari wouldn't be much use though. She would simply put her hands to her cheeks dramatically and scream operatically.

Flushed and breathing heavily, Alice noticed that the clasp of her bra was loose, not that she bothered to do anything about it though. She was too busy being transfixed by the shit caked face of Chris Chan slithering towards her like an eel out of the hole.

'I'll....I'll _get _you....' He mumbled in his reedy voice. The Sonichu Medallion had fallen off at some point. He raised a chubby hand and grabbed the bed, attempting to haul himself up.

Fortunately for Alice, the two zombies, strong as they were, did not possess any remarkable sort of speed. In fact, one could describe their movement as _lumbering _in place and getting somewhere every other second.

Alice remembered the rocking horse and decided to use it as a bludgeon. She reached out from the side of the bed and heaved the thing up with a mighty groan. It was apparently an _antique _rocking horse. In addition to being incredibly dense, the thing had _splinters _coming out of it.

'_This thing belongs in the discount bargain bin....'_ Alice thought crazily as she brought the horse down on Chris Chan's head.

Her worries in the back burner about Chris Chan's supernatural powers were ill founded, as Chris Chan lacked _any _sort of reflexive skill to dodge a slow and strained swing of a wooden toy from the limp wrists of a 13 year old undine.

The horse came down on his head with a sickening _crack,_ like a pumpkin being smashed with a sledgehammer. The corpulent thing underneath the wooden weapon gave a wet gulp from the annals of his throat and slumped off the bed, leaving streak marks of shit on the mattress. Alice's luck turned here though, as his last words consisted of, '_Eat mah sweetheart....'_ spewing forth from his mouth like the last remnants of his tormented soul.

The zombies looked at each other and then looked at Alice, who was still rather shocked at the pool of blood forming around Chris Chan's slumped head.

Alice caught the zombie's gaze and lifted the wooden horse above her head. It would take _all_ of the muscle developed from her undine training to save her bacon now....

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Lucy tossed around a plastic Jigglypuff doll that squealed, 'JIGGLYPUFF!!' Every time it impacted on some sort of surface. There _was _a wooden door leading out of the man child's room, but it was a red herring.

It _wasn't _a door, it was an exquisitely painted one made to look like a realistic door, complete with an infuriatingly spanking clean golden knob attached to it.

Akira had grilled Lucy a little bit about the contents of her life, and Lucy decided to spill the beans (because they were all going to die anyways. Snuck snuck) and told the horrified undines about her traumatizing childhood. She had deliberately skipped the part where she dismembered Kouta's father and his sister, but left enough gory details of her _other _killings to make the undines quiver in their boots. Ash merely smirked, 'So....that give you....several _hundred _life sentences then?'

'You're damn right it does.'

Yuka made a mumbling sound with her broken jaw. Kouta hushed her.

'So let me get this straight...._you...._fell in love with _that _guy....' Akira pointed at Kouta with a strangely accusing finger, 'And then decided to change your murderous ways.'

'Exactly.' Lucy caught a doleful look from the (still) silent Nana and looked away.

'I have to say, that's a noble aspiration.' Akira put a finger to her mouth, 'It _does _kind of make me scared to be with you in the same room though....' She looked at Alicia ,who was still staring slack jawed at her pink haired Akari on the screen, 'Can't _believe _she took this long to come out of the closet though....' Akira then gave a harsh laugh, 'Then again, me always acting like a butch and trying to seduce the juniors doesn't really count for a confession of any kind....' She looked at Alicia for an answer. The blonde gave none. Athena suddenly gave a gasp of excitement as she realized how _close _she was to solving a bling crusted rubix cube.

'What do _you _guys do for a living? Are you guys sailors or something?' Lucy was determined to keep the morale of the room afloat. Knowing some of the personalities in the room, any small fuse would be enough to incite a full blown verbal flaming .

'You _could _say that.' Athena said softly. She had apparently given up on the Rubix cube, 'We actually row gondolas for customers and give them tours around the city....'

'Believe me, it's not as easy as it sounds.' Akira piped up, 'You have to have skill, speed, endurance....and _insanely _cultured form, or else you'll give your customers a bumpy ride.'

Ash sniggered.

'Shut up.' Akira said lightly, and then continued, '_We _are called the Three Water Fairies, the _best _in the business, as one might say. Aika's _my _apprentice, Alice is Athena's and....' She looked at Alicia's longing stare at her pink haired object of desire, 'You know....'

'I see then....' Lucy wandered off. She _wanted _a job in _something, _but due to the scrutinizing and paranoid nature of the environment at home, she decided that _no _employee would want to risk getting Kakuzawa hot on their asses, not even the losers back at that local Pizza Hut, who endorsed that insipid anime _Code Geass _by making the token green haired girl pig out on said pizza.

'May I ask where _you _work?'

Lucy thought for a moment and decided on the safest answer, 'I'm still in university....considering my job options....'

'You have it easy then.' Akira grumbled, '_I _have to finish my history degree _all the while _rowing people around Neo Venezia. Alicia's going for the same course, except she's doing it on the history and preservation of Aqua, am I right? Alicia?'

The blonde turned back to Akira and nodded slowly before 'stare guarding' the huddled pink figure in the room.'

'So....I'm a little curious....' Kouta inquired. Being the science fiction nerd he was, the next question was almost to be expected, '_How _did they terra form Mars into....into....'

'Aqua?' Athena offered helpfully, 'Actually....we have these....._weather _manipulating stations up in the sky that regulate the atmosphere. It's quite complicated really....nothing us simple undines can really understand....

'Don't forget the gnomes.' Akira added, '_They _are the ones that sustain the gravity here....air pressure and all that jazz. ' Akira laid herself back and continued to explain, 'You see....I don't really know the details of _how _Aqua was formed ,but all I know is that Earth is quite....erm...._uninhabitable _right now.'

An unexplainable chill crawled up Kouta's back. These kinds of things always scared him. He had once developed a slight fear of computers _just _from watching Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. He was afraid that playing Doom online would somehow trigger the whole _internet _to become sentient.....

'What do you _mean, _uninhabitable?'

'I mean, the pollution's gotten so strong back there that practically _everything _is indoors now.' Akira squinted and tried to recover some lost childhood memories, 'For example....there are indoor 'parks' now, complete with artificial nature trails and genetically modified animals that crawl around _naturally._ Can't really say they did a great job on it though.....I once saw a two headed squirrel with a rat's tail.'

She gave a deep sigh, 'We've _definitely _screwed over the planet with World War Three, _that's _for sure.'

'Is it going to happen in _our world?'_ Mayu peeped. Back home, even the _mention _of firearms scared the living daylights out of her. She had mentioned something about her stepdad threatening her at gunpoint or something along those lines.

'Can't really say that for sure....' Athena was working on the Rubix Cube again, 'We're living in alternate universes, so there's almost _no way _of telling whether or not that's going to happen on your planet.'

Lucy smiled at Kouta's face, which was glowing radiantly with a feverish and nerdish grin, 'So....so you're telling me that you've _figured out _the possibility of alternate universes?'

'At the cost of several scientist's lives, yes.' Akira said somewhat flippantly, 'They've warped themselves into a black hole, and lived long enough in their twisted bodies to tell us they landed in a world where Hitler won the war.'

'What was _that _like?' The mention of her guilty pleasure research subject piqued Lucy's interest.

'Well....the details aren't really clear, but _apparently _everybody was white, _and _the whole world had been named Germany.' Akira shrugged, 'At least....that's what Akatsuki told me.'

Lucy muttered something about the existence of Dicloniuses in that world.

'Who knows? Maybe they could exist in _those _worlds too...' Akira mused, ' It's kind of scary, really- the proposition of other worlds....you know firsthand about that, don't you?'

Lucy looked at her striped socks and thought about _why _they were her favourite socks. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she wore them the day she had that conversation with Kouta on the stairway, ' Actually, when I think about it, you people were the only strangers I've met who didn't scorn me or anything.... I just.....kind of appreciate that....'

Akira frowned, '_Really?_ Can't really say much about _that _though. We all thought those....horns on your head were some kind of fashion statement.'

'True...true....' Lucy muttered, feeling a little bit embarrassed about her touchy feely comment.

All of the sudden, a gurgling sound came from Akira's side.

Aika had woken up, and was _still _dripping pink soap from her mouth, 'Whudda, whudda what?' She drooled a little bit more as a string of primordial noises spewed forth from her mouth.

'Aika!!' Akira held her apprentice's shoulders, 'Are you alright!? Can you still _talk!?'_

Aika nodded with a shit eating grin on her face, 'Don't.....worrrry....Akira sempaaaaiiii.....I'll be fine....' She hiccupped a little bit and made the peace sign.

'_Shit. _I think that stuff poisoned her or something.' Akira now looked as agitated as Alicia. It wouldn't be long before _her _gaze became all glassy and glazed....'

'Dooon't wooorryy.....' Aika burped, 'I don't think anyyyything's wrrrong with me......' She leaned forward and coughed out a _cloud _of pink gas.

Lucy made a disgusted face. The stuff smelled like cherry Tylenol mixed with a touch of sulphur.

'I think she'll be alright....are you feeling any stomach pains?'

Aika shook her head, 'Where in the _world _are we?'

Akira decided to give her apprentice the cold, hard truth. Saying that they were in an extra small toy store wouldn't really be a good alibi.

'We've been captured by that...._Chris Chan _guy.' Akira made a face, 'That pervert's gonna burn in hell, _that's _for sure....'

Aika didn't seem too fazed by the news. If anything, she seemed _calmed _by the revelation, '_Goood...._then more toys for meeee.....' She looked around and squealed in delight.

'Alright, huh?' Akira looked at Lucy, 'I think that stuff's messed up her brain....'

Aika waved her hands around like a hungry baby and cooed at the toys on the wall.

'How will she _ever _become an undine _now?'_ Akira put both palms on her face and groaned in despair.

Kouta's eyes inexplicably lit up with a fevered glow when he saw this, 'Wait! That reminds me of something....' He looked at Akira's position and thought hard, 'If only I can _just _remember what that reminds me of....'

Ash muttered a few obscenities under his breath, '_What?_ Got another one of your Sci Fi _nerd _explanations to share with us?'

'No....it's just that...' Kouta put _his _face in between two sweaty palms, 'WAIT!! EUREKA!! IT'S FACEPALM!!'

'_What?'_ Akira almost snarled, 'If you're making fun of Aika's predicament-

'_No! _It's just that your position is...._relevant _to an internet meme!'

Lucy gave an frustrated sigh, 'What _is _it, Kouta? Don't tell me this is another one of your conspiracy theories, because if it's the one about Area 51 being in Japan-

'An internet meme is an inside joke on the internet- spread through forums and...._stuff.' _Kouta's feverish glow never once left his eyes. They almost became _watery _as he spouted out his area of expertise, 'You see....that reminded me of this website called...._Encyclopedia Dramatica, and-_

'WHAT!!??' A vein in Akira's head bulged, '_That_ website is a horrendous piece of shit that destroys all things decent and-

'How would _you _know about it?' Lucy wondered how a mere _website _could survive so far into the future.

'Of _course _I know about it.' Akira huffed, '_That _website is now....a _supersite! _It's reached the level of Wikipedia-

'_Wikipedia _still exists?' Lucy felt genuine surprise, 'That's quite a revelation....

'Shut up and let me continue.' Akira went on, '_That _website even makes fun of _undines_ now....they call us dirty skanks in sailor fetish uniforms that sail around a useless city for the sole purveying of....this _shit _called _lulz.' _

'Exactly my view.' Ash remarked, 'If I remember correctly, your uniforms _do _kind of look like-

Alicia turned her attention away from the TV and gave Ash the stare of a woman under the possession of a Caco demon. Ash stuttered a bit and then slurred, '_Sorry.'_

'Can I....keep on explaining?' Kouta peeped in. The entire room looked at him with murderous glances, 'If it's not _too _much to ask....' Kouta faltered, 'Anyways....' he ignored the homicidal glances directed at him. All the pressure was starting to weigh in on him. If he didn't give a good explanation about this seemingly irrelevant topic, they would surely eat him alive....

' _Chris Chan _is one of the main whipping boys of Encyclopedia Dramatica....' He had the whole of the room's attention focused on him now, 'They would...._brutally _tease him and torment him.....the article on the website was over...._ten pages long._ You should have seen some of the things they coaxed out of him to show the entire world....'

'_Like?'_ Akira was squinting in concentration. Unbeknownst to Kouta, the Undine was horribly nearsighted, and never developed the humility to wear glasses. Instead, she wore soft contacts that were _still _not changed for over two months.

'They made him send nude photos of himself....by posing as a girl online. You see, this guy was quite lonely, and he would often search for....a _boyfriend free girl._ Or something along those lines....'

'So _that _explains why he said all that nonsensical stuff back there!' Mayu shivered a little, 'He looked at me in a creepy way too....'

'Yeah, and it gets worse....he's racist, he's bigoted, and he doesn't even _know _how much of a douche bag he is.' Kouta was trying his hardest to dig up all the information from over two years ago, when he himself was a seasoned /b/tard, ' He's _really _against homosexuals too, just so you know. He's made several rants denouncing the whole population.

'Well, that makes me want to _clean his clock _even more.' Akira cracked her knuckles, 'I _swear _I'll rip his balls off the _first _chance I get-

'There's also something else you need to know....' Kouta ruffled his hair a bit, mussing it up into a tangle, 'He _disappeared _in the summer of 07- I think a _month or two _before we ended up here. Nobody knew where he went or what he did with himself. _All _his parents found in his room was....this elaborately drawn pentagram smeared with his own blood. There was scorch in the middle the carpet too....'

Lucy burst out laughing, 'You mean that _loser _made a deal with the devil and disappeared into hell!? That's _RICH!'_

Kouta was still busily digging up the information hidden deep within the /b/tard storage of knowledge. He had accumulated quite a lot of information up in that brain of his over the four years he spent as a /b/ tard- _including _a good amount of guro and scat porn that didn't really leave the corners of his brain. They simply _festered _there and manifested themselves at the most _inopportune_ moments, 'I _think_ that the page on him was shut down after that, but there _are _forums that say that he sold his soul to the devil for infinite power...._and _a boyfriend free girlfriend.'

'Well, I think _that's _worked. Look where we are now.' Akira rattled her chains, 'What we _do _need to know is _how _to get _out _of this place! Back stories on our captor isn't going to help us much-

'Did I mention he was autistic?' Kouta suddenly remembered this important little fact as he sifted through more web memes, such as the infamous _desu _repetition meme- one that had annoyed Lucy to no end when an anonymous sender on the net spammed Lucy's email with a _hundred _repetitions of that one word.'

'That weakness _isn't _going to help us much.' Ash clicked his tongue, 'We're going to need a _lot _more, like...._tell _us something to help us _escape _from this _room!'_

Kouta immediately deflated, 'Oh....I don't .....know about that....' He sunk into self pity again, 'Sorry for wasting your time....'

'That was...._interesting _information, Kouta....' Lucy tried to bolster his self esteem, 'Thanks for that....'

Akira grunted, signalling her approval.

A wail from the bleeding guts of skinned human erupted from Alicia's throat, 'HOW ARE WE GOING TO SAVE MY AKARI!!??' She looked around crazily and shook her head back and forth, 'I _know _he's going to do something unbelievably horrible to my Akari, and....if he finds out I'm gay.....' Alicia looked at her feet and started to wobble back and forth in a huddled position again.

' Don't worry. We'll find a way out of this.' Akira said half heartedly. She knew full well that they were _never _going to get out of this unscathed, one way or another. Once Chris Chan was done with them, who _knew _what that Nyarlahotep had in store for them?

Lucy sighed and tried to reactivate her vectors once again. She _had _reactivated them once, but....she had forgotten what that _felt _like. Could her vectors _possibly _work as well as they used to with one horn?

She rubbed the ragged stump on her head. It was the same on that had been blown off by Kakuzawa's men. It had only _started _to grow back....

'In the meantime....' Lucy slide off the bed, bouncing the stationary Nana a bit as she did so, ' I'll try and get my vectors to work again....'

'I hope for _all our sakes _you can get it to work before that timer reaches zero.'

'_What!?'_ Lucy followed Athena's hand and saw a Chibi shaped timer of....._herself?_

A sick chill went up Lucy's spine. Since _when _was merchandise made of her? And since _when _were fucking _Chibi _merchandise of her manufactured? Lucy suddenly felt an existential crisis as her throat went dry, 'Why...._why _is there a timer of _me?'_

Everybody's eyes shifted towards the rotund little timer and made one simultaneous group gasp. Kouta stuttered as he whispered, 'Th-th-that's...._impossible...._how could that guy _know _about you?'

'hehe.....'Lucy laughed nervously, '_Maybe _it's handmade? I don't know-

She suddenly read the little label that said _Tokyo Toys. _He stomach gave a sick lurch.

'_Kouta....'_ She motioned for him to look at the label, 'That's....an _anime _toy company....'

'_What....the...._fuck?' Kouta bit his lip, '_Somebody _please tell me this is some kind of sick joke.'

'It's actually kind of _plausible, _when you think about it.' Ash decided to give _his _two cents on the subject, seeing that he was the only one who had any previous inter dimensional travel, 'You see, maybe in another _universe, _you are just....a _fictional character...._an _animated _character with no real connection to the outside world besides your....erm...._voice actor...'_

Lucy clapped her hands around her ears, 'DON'T SAY ANYMORE! THIS IS FUCKING WITH MY HEAD!!'

'Alright...alright....' Ash turned and stared at the timer, 'But take my word for it, I _don't think _we're in Aqua anymore....' Ash continued, 'You see....I _think _I read this somewhere in youtube, but....the mere _creation _of your concept in the human mind can actually manipulate the subatomic particles in the universe....' Ash's head looked like it was about to explode, 'If one were to erm...._exaggerate _it a bit....someone might have created your whole universe just by _thinking it....'_

Lucy did not register any of this. There were two things that were bothering her in different degrees. The fact that there was merchandise created of her( which suggested that she was goddamn FICTIONAL in another world) ate her butt like a bunch of fire ants.

The _other _matter was that they only had _five minutes left _before....

_Before the wooden painting of door on the wall bursts open and Chris Chan comes in....and RAPES All of you._

'We....' Lucy stared the timer, 'desperately need a miracle....'

Several notes from the author: First of all, I would like to point out to all the /b/tards reading this story that Chris Chan's timeline was altered to fit the story. I hope you can understand that. In _this _version of the story, disappears _before _that episode with Megan Schroeder. Secondly, about that thing on You Tube. Search up the 'Ten Dimensions' on You Tube and you'll get a mind fuck and a general gist of what I was getting at in that last bit of the story. It's called 'Imagining the Ten Dimensions.'

ALSO, the story's going to go on a slightly metaphysical lean, now that I've brought that subject into the story. Expect....a _lot _of unpredictable insanity.


End file.

Elfen Lied, Adventure, Humor