Harry Potter 1. S, M and a Queen Anne Wardrobe

**Disclaimer: It's not mine. I think we all know that if it was, Remus Lupin would be alive and well and living out the remainder of his life in a little country cottage somewhere in Devon. **

**A/N: I know I shouldn't be starting this when Where Dwell… needs updating (and I am working on the next chapter) and I have two promised one shots to do but this proved too much fun. **

Sirius Black was bored. Shamelessly bored. It wasn't easy having only a hippogriff for company. That said, coming home had been an exciting experience at first. He had never thought he would say that about Number 12 Grimmauld Place, that's how bored he was.

Coming home had enabled him to antagonise his mother's portrait with tales of his friends. Peter didn't count. James made Mrs. Black purse her lips, but Remus…. Remus was in his own league altogether.

"And then Moony said…well I don't remember exactly what he said but you can bet it was something incredibly witty that no-one understood. You do remember Moony, don't you? The half-blood werewolf?"

Sirius would laugh until he cried as she shrieked and shook with anger, unable to do anything but cry for help and scream insults and threats aimed at Lupin Sr. the blood traitor.

"Oh yes…good times. Good times." he would mutter to himself, knowing she could still hear him over her own screams.

Even that bored him after the third day. He had taken to flicking the ears of the stuffed house-elves on the wall. He tried talking to them about James and Remus but their reactions left a lot to be desired. In fact, he was obviously going mad. He was expecting a rational response from dead house-elves.

He sighed and set up a dining chair in front of his mother's picture. She was already about to launch into one of her "Mudbloods and Traitors" speeches when he arrived so he found she needed little persuasion. He talked about James under her screeches, it helped to vent his frustration. He didn't need to scream and break things, his mother was doing it for him.

"Good old mumsy." he muttered, smiling bitterly to himself.

As a result, he didn't hear the knock until it had become a frantic and persistent battering of his door. His breath caught in his throat. What if it was someone from the ministry? What if they had heard him? What if it was someone investigating why he had a hippogriff in the back bedroom? What if when they came in they realised they were standing in front of a framed but no less notorious murderer?

"Do be quiet mother." he hissed. "It might be someone important."

The moment that Mrs. Black had been silenced soon passed as she cried 'Sirius Black!" at the top of her lungs.

Oh well; cover blown. He might as well answer it now. Just as he was about to open the door, the letterbox swung open and a familiar and welcome voice echoed round the hallway.

"Sirius? It's Remus. Will you _please_ just answer the damn door?"

Sirius flung open the door and threw his arms around his friend, taking in how much greyer his hair had been tinged, how much duller his black eyes shone. Their warmth still radiated as Lupin smiled but the stern expression soon returned.

"Constant vigilance Black!" he said, imitating Moody's voice with remarkable ease before returning to his own. "I could have been anybody. You're going to need a security question."

"But you're not anybody. You're Remus!"

Lupin rolled his eyes. He had been in the man's presence for less than a minute and already Sirius was deliberately infuriating him.

"I know." hissed Lupin. "But if the Ministry are willing to blow my home to pieces looking for evidence of me hiding you then the likelihood that they show up at your childhood home impersonating me is pretty strong, don't you think?"

Sirius frowned slightly, obviously letting this information sink in. "They blew up your house? Cool."

Lupin rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Oh yes, _very_ cool. What's even 'cooler' is I have nowhere to live, no income-"

"What happened to teaching? Come to mention it, it's the middle of term. You should be in school."

"I'm not at Hogwarts anymore."

"Oh." Sirius was crestfallen. "Well, that shouldn't come as a surprise. No-one's lasted in years."

"So can I stay for a while? Just until I find somewhere? Seeing as you're the reason I no longer have a house, I thought it was only fair."

"Good grief Moony. You can stay _forever_! Did they sack you because of me?"

"Can we talk about this inside?"

Lupin's smile told him that wasn't the case. Sirius nodded and Lupin reached for his wand, turning to the small trunk full of his worldly possessions and was about to cast a hover charm when-

"No it's alright. There's an elf around here somewhere. He can start making himself useful."

Lupin frowned. "Really, it's not a problem."

Sirius paid him no heed and whistled.

Five minutes later, a small and absurdly ugly house-elf stood before Lupin, looking him up and down as though judging whether he was worthy to enter the house of Black. His squinting charcoal eyes had none of Lupin's warmth and as Lupin became uncomfortable under the judgemental gaze, Sirius smacked the house-elf round the back of the head.

"You took your sweet time."

It said nothing but Lupin was sure he heard the words, "Blood traitors", "shame", "my poor, poor mistress" and the occasional hiss under the creature's breath as it stomped over to his trunk and pulled the handles so hard that Lupin feared they would break off.

"Sirius, really, I can carry my own stuff."

"Nonsense. He's got to learn."

Lupin watched the elf struggle up the steps, slam the door with its foot and almost throw the trunk at his feet.

"Right. Well, thank you."

It hissed again and made to return to what was obviously its underground lair under the stairs.

Sirius coughed.

"And you could show Mister Lupin to his room."

At the mention of Lupin, the portrait of Mrs. Black screamed. Lupin started and turned to face her. He remembered her being strikingly beautiful and the commanding aura about her. She was a different woman to the fierce creature he had tried to eradicate from his memory, though her voice still sent shivers down his spine.

"Ah Remus, you've met my mother?"

"I can safely say that I haven't yet had the pleasure of seeing her in that state." replied Lupin, backing away from the once terrifying woman whose skin had been depicted as a pale yellow. Her silver eyes rolled in her head and she appeared to be drooling. If he was honest, Lupin had never seen anything quite so disgusting in his life and he had shared a dormitory with Pettigrew and his obscenely crooked and yellow teeth.

"I don't know how to shut her up." Sirius admitted as Mrs. Black returned to her ear splitting screeching. "I think it's her only hobby."

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "May I recommend knitting?"

Sirius laughed and took hold of Lupin's wrist, dragging him upstairs and instructing a begrudging Kreacher to follow with the trunk.

Upstairs was no better than the dark and gloomy corridor beneath them. Severed and stuffed heads of house-elves were perched on the wall and Lupin let out a cry of shock and horror at their wide, glassy eyes.

"Hmm?" asked Sirius, turning to find the source of his friend's discomfort. "Oh, don't mind them. They take a bit of getting used to but I can't bear to take them down now. I've been telling them all about you and Prongs."

Lupin seized up. He was plainly sharing a house with a lunatic and a murderous house-elf. He wanted to go home. Surely his small cottage would only take a little charming and it would be good as new. He had come because he thought Sirius was lonely really, although he would never admit it. Loneliness had evidently driven him to holding one-sided conversations with inanimate objects.

"That's Buckbeak's room, I put him where my mother used to sleep," Sirius laughed and his eyes gleamed in a manner of which they had not done since the eighties. "So you can't have that one. That's my room and that's Regulus'; trust me, you don't want to go in there. Right, next floor."

This time, Lupin distinctly heard Kreacher mutter curses aimed at Sirius who, if he heard them, ignored him.

The next floor was slightly less dire. There were no severed heads at least. It was significantly smaller than the previous two but Sirius appeared to be content.

"I think you're going to like this little arrangement Moony."

Considering what he had seen thus far, Lupin highly doubted it but humoured his friend.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. This is your new room and right opposite is…" he paused for dramatic effect. "The Library. Now, this room's a bit small but something tells me you're used to smaller. We never really used it and my parents never found a use for it other than filling it full of junk. All the stuff we didn't use, if it had a family crest on it, ended up here."

Sirius flung open the door revealing a room that obviously had not seen the light of day in years. The moth eaten curtains were particularly depressing; blood red and heavy. They had remained closed for evidently around half a century as the furniture had not faded with sunlight.

Lupin looked around. Yes, he certainly was used to smaller. Mismatched chairs, a chaise longue that wasn't decorated in the most tasteful manner imaginable, a Queen Anne wardrobe and several boxes of clutter took up most of the space.

"Obviously, we'll get rid of all that." Sirius assured him, with no idea how to do so.

Kreacher pushed the trunk through the door and slammed it behind him, leaving Lupin and Sirius standing in pitch darkness.

"What can I say?" said Sirius in mock seriousness. "You just can't get the staff these days."

His arms reached out, flailing blindly until he found the bedpost, and Sirius sat on the double bed, hoping it was not inhabited by a number of unpleasant creatures, most of whom lusted for and hadn't tasted human blood in years.

He patted the space next to him and Lupin joined him, his keen eyesight allowing him to keep the dignity Sirius had lost when falling over damp, cardboard boxes.

"So…" began Sirius, in a tone that alerted Lupin to the fact they were about to have as serious a conversation as was possible to have with Sirius Black. "What happened a few months back? Why did they fire you?"

Lupin sighed. "It's complicated."

"You didn't-"

"Yes."

"Who?"

Lupin frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Who did you eat? I hope it was Snape."

Sirius could no longer contain his laughter and Lupin was so relieved that he was not currently being accused of cannibalism whilst in his other form, that he saw the humour in the remark.

"I thought you were serious then."

"I _am_ Sirius."

"Please. That joke was old by nineteen-seventy-two. I resigned, if you must know. That's what I thought you were going to ask me."

"But _why_? You loved that job!"

"I know." muttered Lupin, darkly. "Snape told them all that I was a…Boggart!" he added, indicating towards the oak desk drawer.

The rattling continued and Sirius raised an eyebrow, never missing an opportunity to infuriate the ever patient Lupin.

"You resigned because Snivellus told everyone you were a Boggart?"

"Shut up."

"I'll kill him." hissed Sirius, his fists clenching.

"Please don't." said Lupin, throwing all of his weight into pulling the curtains apart.

"Why not?" asked Sirius, his anger dissolving. "I've already got a ten thousand galleon price on my head. I might as well earn it."

Lupin smirked and as sunlight filled the room, turned to his friend and raised his eyebrows.

"Well that's perfect." he said, smiling. "I'll turn you in. That'll be a nice little earner and I'll have your house. You can take the elf with you though. I get the feeling he wants to murder me in my sleep ."

Sirius laughed. "That's Kreacher for you. Hey, maybe we can pin it on Kreacher."

"You frighten me Pads, you really do."

"Only because it's so ingenious."

Lupin thought for a moment. It was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard but picturing Kreacher, with his cold, black eyes and false, leering smile, he had to admit Kreacher really did fit the part.

"I'll give you that one." he admitted. "Now, what are we going to do about all this stuff?"

"Burn it?"

"_Burn _it? This is Queen Anne!" cried Lupin, pointing at the wardrobe. "If you don't want it, _I'll_ have it."

Sirius raised one eyebrow. "Are you aware of how gay you sound?"

Lupin smiled sarcastically in response. "You really didn't want to say that."

"What are you going to do?" asked Sirius, smirking. "Bite me?"

Lupin rolled his eyes but continued to patronise his friend.

"Well…two men living together whilst one plans to kidnap his godson and call it adoption is slightly homosexual, don't you think?"

"Shut up Remus. You couldn't be gay anyway."

Lupin's laughter was absorbed by the thickly coated walls. "Was that supposed to be an insult?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes slightly. "What's S&M?"

Lupin tried to recall this information. He vaguely remembered being teased with this particular terminology many years ago.

"Baby milk?"

"That's _SMA _Remus. All gay people know what S&M is…at least, I imagine they do."

Lupin tried to keep a straight face. "What are you trying to prove with your homophobic remarks?" he asked, finally allowing himself to laugh.

"That if we _were_ gay, _I_ would wear the trousers and I'm wearing them now and you're not keeping that wardrobe!"

Lupin raised his eyebrows.

"Oh really?"


	2. Sheppard's Pie and a Ginger Beard

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**A.N: Some reviews would be really appreciated. I know you guys are reading it and loads of you have put it on alert so thank you for that but if some feedback would be great. Candy~**

"_Please_ Remus."

Lupin sighed. It was the fifth time today that they had had this conversation. The cupboards were bare, he had written a grocery list of basic essentials and planned to buy them some time in the afternoon. However, cooking the requested Sheppard's Pie with less than half of the basic ingredients had taken up his time and now he was desperate for onions and unable to leave a cauldron full of minced beef.

"Sirius, you can't go."

"Why not?"

Lupin ran a hand through his greying hair and took a deep breath. His housemate of less than twenty-four hours was already getting on his last nerve.

"You're an alleged mass murderer Padfoot. Even the Muggles are supposed to be on the lookout for you."

"_Please_ Remus."

Lupin could understand his friend's yearning for fresh air. Sirius had spent twelve years in Azkaban which was enough to make anyone claustrophobic, and then lived the remaining two years either as a dog or in a house that Lupin was fairly sure, was actually evil.

"Well other than putting an obviously fake moustache on you and sending you out with a list, I'm all out of ideas." snapped Lupin, as what was supposed to be gravy if he had had any flour, spat at him.

"That'll do."

And with that, Sirius charged out of the house, muttering a sticking charm and waving the grocery list as though it were a flag.

"Okay fine!" Lupin shouted. "Get yourself caught. When the Dementors try and show you some affection, I want you to remember that I told you so!"

He heard footsteps and was about to congratulate Sirius on his restraint when he realised that Sirius had lost two feet in height and been hit several times with branches of the 'Ugly Tree'.

"Ah, Kreacher! Lovely to see you."

Lupin prided himself on his ability to tell white lies. He smiled at Kreacher.

The elf stared at the floor and said in a perfectly clear, loud voice, "The werewolf seems to think it is Kreacher's friend. Ugly little brat of a blood traitor it is."

Lupin cleared his throat meaningfully. Ugly? He couldn't say what the elf saw when he looked in the mirror but he was fairly sure that it wasn't what the rest of the world saw.

"Excuse me Kreacher, what was that?"

"Nothing Master Lupin. Kreacher was just cleaning."

"I can _hear_ you, you know Kreacher."

Kreacher looked up at him as innocently as he could manage. Due to his lack of response, Lupin added, "I'm making dinner."

"Poison it is." Kreacher informed the tiles of the basement kitchen.

Lupin was inclined to agree with him as he stared into the cauldron. He had never been very good with anything made in a cauldron. When it came to making sandwiches, he was Cordon Bleu standard but anything else was pushing it a bit.

"It'll smell better with onions."

Lupin wasn't sure whether he was trying to convince the house-elf or himself. If it was the latter, he was failing miserably.

"It seems to think that its poison can be masked with this onion."

Lupin rolled his eyes and tried to stop himself from screaming.

"Alright Kreacher, what would _you_ do?"

Kreacher smirked and reached into the store cupboard.

"You know Kreacher, I'm not sure Dragon's Liver really belongs in a good Sheppard's Pie. Oh what the hell…throw it in."

* * *

Sirius returned triumphant, still wearing false facial hair that practically covered his whole face, to the smell of burning newt's eyes.

"Remus what the hell is going on?"

Lupin slammed the door of the kitchen behind him and instructed Sirius to open the bags he was carrying onto the dining table.

"Whiskey? I didn't add whiskey to the list of household essentials Pads."

"I know." answered Sirius. "That's why I bought it. You'd obviously forgotten it. Now, they didn't have any double cream so I bought two singles instead."

Lupin, in a frenzy, rummaged through the grocery bags, hoping that somewhere he would find an onion and several carrots. They had to be somewhere. Not even Sirius was that stupid, surely.

"Poptarts?"

"What's the matter with Poptarts?"

"Nothing Sirius," replied Lupin in all honesty. He was addicted to sugar, there was really nothing wrong with bringing home what was truly the food of the Gods but… "They just weren't on the list."

Sirius grinned. "I know. I think I might have picked the wrong one up. The one you gave me had carrots and flour and stuff on it."

Lupin glared at him. "Yes, and what did you do with it?"

"Obviously, I threw it away. It plainly wasn't the right list. It was full of healthy things. Large, raw and naked carrots Remus, are acceptable food only to those who live in hutches, eagerly awaiting Easter." Sirius tugged at his false facial hair. "The man in the shop didn't seem to recognise me but he _did _look at me for a while. I think I'd better stay in for a bit."

Lupin had almost bitten his nails to the quick. "You are not serious. Please God, tell me you're joking."

"Moony?"

Lupin looked up to find Sirius still pulling at the moustache, a hint of panic evident in his voice and eyes.

"Remember how I used to put permanent sticking charms on things?"

"Serves you right."

And Lupin stalked downstairs into the basement kitchen where the smell was now eye watering. Sirius followed, still pulling at his disguise and muttering removal charms.

Finding Kreacher stirring a cauldron of a lumpy liquid that spat and bubbled as the smoke choked them, they shared a terrified glance. Kreacher had a glint in his eyes that Sirius had long ago found reason to be afraid of.

"Moony, what is that?"

"It _was_ Sheppard's Pie."

"Well you didn't use a very nice piece of Sheppard."

Kreacher hobbled towards them, smirking in a manner befitting a serial killer. His black eyes were wide with anticipation.

"Remus, don't go anywhere near it. Trust me, you don't want to catch whatever he's infected that with. It won't be pleasant and I'm not spending the night up with you, rubbing Cure-All-Cream into your chest."

Lupin rolled his eyes and stood over the cauldron. He glanced over at Kreacher who was still wearing the same disturbing smile.

"Kreacher, Sheppard's Pie, and I mean _real_ Sheppard's Pie, _good_ Sheppard's Pie; should _not_ be purple!"

Sirius strode over and stared open mouthed at the contents.

"Okay, that's it! I'm going vegetarian!"

Lupin ran a hand through his hair, pushing his fringe back, and sighed. His jaw clenched and his eyes widened. "The pair of you are slowly driving me to insanity."

"Well," said Sirius, smiling sheepishly. "At least you're not driving yourself. You haven't passed the test."

Lupin took a deep breath and managed to smile, _just_.

"Kreacher!"

The elf who had been trying to creep up the stairs, scuttled into the kitchen and scowled.

"Yes?"

"I'm going to clean this up. You are going to remove Sirius's moustache by any means necessary. Okay? Good."

Kreacher obviously thought this arrangement to be neither 'okay' nor 'good'. His scowl intensified and his tiny black eyes gleamed maliciously.

"Loops, no! You _wouldn't_!"

Lupin paid him no heed and with a simple flick of his wand, the cauldron's contents evaporated and it sparkled. He smiled to himself. He was getting better at cleaning charms and something told him that it was just as well.

His mistake was to worry about Sirius's screams. He made his way into the bathroom where he found Kreacher perched on a stool and Sirius, dragged by the hair, with his head in the sink, trying to scream underwater.

He found a wire pan cleaner in Kreacher's hand and took a step back. He cleared his throat.

"I'll take it from here Kreacher if it's alright with you."

Kreacher looked positively traumatised by this and flung down his cloth in protest. Hopping off the stool, he glared up at Lupin and narrowed his eyes to slits.

"Alright," said Lupin as soon as the elf had departed. "Let's have a look at it."

Sirius raised his head. The ginger moustache was still holding on with surprising vigour. Lupin bit his lip and tried not to laugh.

"Pads, I think we're going to _need_ Kreacher."

"No! Hell no!"

Lupin ran a hand through his hair. This couldn't be as hard as it looked. He remembered reading about how to counter-act a sticking charm but he couldn't recall the spell. There was only one thing for it. They would have to experiment.

"Okay, you wouldn't happen to have any bleach?"

"No! I don't know what the hell is going on in that over-worked mind of yours but it's scaring me."

Lupin smiled. "Or we could dye it black?"

Sirius stared at him incredulously. "Are you kidding me? I'm not living the rest of my life cooped up in this hellhole _and_ looking like a French waiter. There's only so much a man can take Remus!"

Lupin grinned. "I can only assume that you'll have to shave it off and hope for the best. Once you've done that, come down because dinner will be ready."

Sirius widened his eyes and stared, open-mouthed. "You're not seriously expecting me to eat that pie?"

Lupin smiled and shook his head.

"Then what _are_ we having?"

"Poptarts."


	3. Evil Books and an Umbrella Stand

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

**A.N.: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Just to let people know, I won't be updating these until I get at least five reviews for a chapter. Sorry.**

"Moons!" shouted Sirius, hammering against the door. "Moony! Come on!"

Lupin eventually answered the door. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. With sandy hair and wide black eyes, Lupin looked very much the little boy lost. "What?" he asked, his voice cracking with fatigue.

"I've been thinking," said Sirius, leaning against the door frame.

"Never a good idea. Do you want to come in?"

"Nope. I want you to come out here."

Lupin groaned but plodded behind Sirius, still half-asleep and wishing that he had taken precautions. He could have blocked out the banging. He could have muffled his friend's shouts. He could, at a push, have jumped out of the window.

He was forced out of his reverie as he was dragged into the library and was astounded. It had a flight of stairs that led to yet more books, a fireplace and several plush but dusty several armchairs that were so inviting in his state of semi-sleep.

"Do you like it?"

Lupin frowned. "I love it but couldn't you have waited until morning?"

At this, a sudden dark expression descended slowly down Sirius's face, starting at his eyes and working towards his clenched jaw. Clearly, it could not have and whatever was in this room had to be dealt with immediately.

"Thing is Moony, I have to get rid of some of these. I mean, we both know that most of my family were one psycho short of a medical unit and made no secret of it but frankly, I just don't want their stuff lurking round my house, you know what I mean?"

Lupin rubbed his eyes. "And it took you until three a.m. to figure that out, did it?" He look around, taking in his surroundings. For Grimmauld Place in the middle of a winter night, it was awfully warm; still sub-zero but warmer than usual. "Oh and you lit a fire. Thanks Pads."

Sirius was particularly proud of the fire. "Ah! And it serves a duel purpose, see? Not only did it stop you from hitting me with a frozen fist but it's also an essential part of my plan."

"Plan?"

"We're holding a book burning session Moons and whilst it would be quicker and so much more efficient to use magic, I think there's enough metaphorical magic in this little ritual, don't you agree?"

Lupin wasn't sure whether to run back to bed or wake up. The latter seemed like the best idea. He had to be dreaming. No way in hell would Sirius dare to deprave him of his precious eight hours a night so that they could burn down the library in a mass pyre. Besides, Sirius didn't use words like metaphorical unless he'd been…

"Alright, how much have you had?"

"I've had more than enough Moony! I think it's time I fought back."

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I know how you feel."

"Look! You don't get it! You've never had to live under this kind of shadow. You've never had to try and cope knowing that people you're supposed to love, read this kind of shit! I tried to read one of them once and thank God I had my wits about me! If I hadn't been so unimpressionable then I could have been corrupted!"

Lupin sighed. He supposed he was being unfair. He had insisted on an early night after the moustache debacle, leaving Sirius to his own devices which obviously had involved reminiscing and drinking. Technically, it was his fault. Or maybe he just liked blaming himself.

"Alright, come on then. Where are they?"

Sirius dragged out a cardboard box and turned to Lupin, the contempt for whatever literature he was about to reveal, evident on his face.

"I'm warning you, if you feel like you want to spare them…it's because they've got into your mind. The only way to fight it is to remember that you are a man and you don't go in for that sort of thing. Okay?"

Lupin nodded but failed to see why his friend was being so dramatic.

Sirius threw open the box with a cry of "Yes Moony! We're burning the Mills and Boon!"

* * *

"Apparently steak is good for a black eye," said Lupin, hoping he would be forgiven if he waited on Sirius hand and foot for the duration of his minor bruising. "I'll get you some now."

Four o'clock in the morning was not the time to be fighting with a half-drunken Black and so, to apologise for the punch that had been thrown before Lupin realised how little Sirius had actually done to warrant such an action, he pondered to Sirius's every whim.

"Okay we don't have steak but we do have some lovely mince."

"Remus, I'm not asking for another of your delightful pies, I am asking for something to remove the bruising. Why is it you can never remember any _useful_ spells?"

"Of course! A spell!" cried Lupin, not having thought of such a solution.

"Are you a wizard or aren't you?"

"You could have cured yourself!"

"I'd only have blown my nose off!" snapped Sirius. Slowly, he grinned and extended a hand for Lupin to shake. "Look, I'm sorry I'm such an idiot and I know I'm not the easiest person to live with but next time you hit me…I'm going to hit you straight back. I know I don't punch as hard as you but-"

Lupin laughed and accepted the hand. "No, I'm sorry. Lack of sleep does this and I've been a total arse."

"Moony, look at us. We're like characters in a Mills and Boon novel."

Lupin seized up. "Don't ever say that again!"

* * *

"Left!"

Sirius backed along the corridor, dangerously close to smashing the stand against the wall.

"The _other_ left!" cried Lupin, trying to steer his friend down the stairs and into the main hall.

"I don't know why you want to bloody keep it anyway," Sirius grumbled, slamming the umbrella stand under the coat rack. "It's ugly."

"I know," agreed Lupin. "And I don't want it in my bedroom."

"Then you should have dropped it out of the window," said Sirius, eying its feet which resembled claws.

"It'll be useful."

"I fail to see how."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "You've got an umbrella, haven't you?"

"Yeah but if you hadn't noticed, I won't get round to using it much."

"I seem to recall an excursion only yesterday to the Spar round the corner."

Sirius glared at him from the corner of his eyes and ran his hand across his chin, mourning his lost stubble which was the last thing resembling his former sex appeal that he possessed. Still, better than a false ginger beard.

"Yeah well, you know…"

Lupin grinned. "It looks fine Padfoot. And at least there, it's out of the way."

A sudden burst of winter air made Sirius shiver and swing round to find a strange young woman hanging up a red leather coat. He cleared his throat, attempting to convey her obvious lack of direction and realised that she must know his location to be able to get in and she was awfully familiar.

"Andromeda?"

Crikey! She hadn't aged a day and he loved what she'd done with her hair.

"Dumbledore explained everything. My mum sent me round with-"

And in a mess of pink hair and a lime green Weird Sisters t-shirt, Nymphadora Tonks landed in the waiting arms of Lupin, who had noticed her foot catch on that of the umbrella stand and winced.

"Christ!" she snapped, allowing Lupin to help her to her feet. "What a stupid place to put an umbrella stand!"

"I said that," seconded Sirius. "You must be Dora then. I don't suppose you remember me. I spent my summers babysitting you. This is Remus by the way."

Lupin raised his hand as though the corridor were full of Remii.

"You probably won't remember him either but you scared the hell out of him one year when you got all gothic on him."

Lupin rolled his eyes and Tonks' shoulders shook with suppressed laughter.

"Sorry. Vaguely recall my convicted murderer of a cousin but apologies Remus," she said, smiling. "Don't recall you."

Lupin laughed bitterly. "No, I'm not surprised. You were four I think. Besides, I'm not a very exciting man. My hobbies are brewing tea and sleeping."

She laughed and took his offered hand to shake.

"You obviously think I'm joking. Remus Lupin, pleased to meet you."

Sirius rolled his eyes. Lupin was already turning on the unintentional charm and the poor girl was lapping it up. She must have inherited the sappiness from her father because no Black would fall for it.

"I was half expecting you to say 'at your service' Moony."

Lupin frowned and allowed wisps of sandy hair to cover his eyes. "Dora, isn't it?"

Tonks nodded. "But my friends call me Tonks." She tore herself away from black eyes that burned with a predatory fire that always ignited when Lupin was around pretty women, and turned to Sirius. "So my mother sent me round with her apologies and she promises to come round and see you soon. I was in the area anyway and told her I'd pop round after work."

The subsequent awkward silence as Sirius wondered what he would say to the woman to whom he owed his sanity whilst growing up. There wasn't really anything to say. He didn't want to explain. He didn't want to remember. He nodded his acknowledgment and looked to Lupin to save him from the situation, yet again.

"Tea anyone?"

Sirius nodded gratefully and somewhat reluctantly, Tonks followed them, still unsure whether she ought to do so.


	4. The Hat and the Wheelbarrow

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

Sirius stared mournfully into a steaming cup of Earl Grey whilst Tonks wondered if the sudden melancholy mood was a result of her mentioning her mother or her very presence in his house and Lupin tried to make small talk and smile. God, this was awkward.

"I'd probably better get going," she said, sliding out of her chair with as much dignity as catching her thigh on the corner of the table would allow. "I…um…I won't bother you if-"

"You're not bothering anyone," Lupin assured her. "He's just being a pain in the arse. He gets like this sometimes, don't you Sirius? He still blames himself for everything."

"So do you!" snapped Sirius. "You'd blame yourself solely for global warming if you could, Remus."

Lupin smiled and shrugged, pleased that Tonks laughed.

"I'll see you to the door," he told her, nudging Sirius on his way past.

"There's really no need," Tonks told him, indicating towards her cousin who was now frowning at his mug as though it had insulted him. "I know the way."

"It's the gentlemanly thing to do," Lupin insisted, closing the door to the basement behind him as they stood in the hallway. "Besides, I don't know much more of him I can take when he's like this. I need a break."

She reached for her coat and gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Oh and um…," he added, catching her arm and pulling her back towards him. "Please don't be offended. He's just caught of guard by the thought of explaining it all again. It knocks him back a few steps. I'll talk to him if you come round to see him in a better mood soon."

Tonks raised an eyebrow. "Does that count as emotional blackmail?"

"Well it's certainly blackmail," Lupin agreed. "But I'm not sure if it's of the emotional sort just yet. Though I will most certainly be more than willing to progress to it if you refuse."

Tonks grinned back at him. "In that case, you pair free Friday night?"

"We're always free."

* * *

"She'll be round later so try to be a little more…what's the word? Chipper! Try to be more chipper," warned Lupin, scrubbing a ten year old stain from the oak worktop. "Although, I don't know what we have to offer her. She's what? Twenty something? And spending her Friday night with us."

Sirius grinned. "You think we're old Remus?"

"I'm knocking forty, that's all I'm saying," said Lupin, shrugging and beaming in triumph at the spotless kitchen counter. "I'm knocking forty and already I'm getting obsessed with housework. Pads, I need a life."

"Just as well you're spending the evening with the Blacks then," laughed Sirius, feeling better now he knew that neither Andromeda nor her daughter begrudged him. "And incidentally thirty-four is not 'knocking forty'. Is that the door?"

"I'll get it!" cried Lupin, leaping to his feet.

"You're keen."

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," said Lupin, his eyes wide with the horror of Sirius knowing about his flirtations with a woman thirteen years his junior, and fake confusion. "It could be the Minister of Magic for all we know."

"But it's not," said Sirius, glancing at his watch. "Tonks is coming at half seven and lo and behold, it's half seven."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "Alright, so you answer it then."

"No, it's alright," said Sirius, fighting a smile. "You're on your feet now."

As soon as Lupin had disappeared from view, Sirius allowed himself to laugh.

"You laughing at me Black?"

"Would I ever?" Sirius called up, hearing the sound of Tonks' laughter in response and beaming at her as she tripped down the last three steps, a perfect contrast to Lupin's seemingly innate grace.

"So what are we going to do then?" she asked, taking Lupin's offered hand and dusting off her knees. "As long as it's not salsa, I'll be fine."

A silence descended. Lupin was inwardly cringing, Sirius was scheming and Tonks was asking herself why she had opened her mouth and ruined the atmosphere.

"Monopoly," said Sirius eventually. "We've got Monopoly."

Lupin's jaw set. "No way! I'm not playing Monopoly with _you_ ever again; not after last time."

"Last time was over ten years ago!" protested Sirius. "I'm like a cheese; I've matured."

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "And if you believe that then presumably you still leave a mince pie out on Christmas eve."

"Are you questioning the existence of the fat bloke?" asked Sirius, his eyes glinting.

"Monopoly it is," said Lupin, his lack of spine enabling them to avoid yet another debate in which Sirius attempted to use five year old logic to give him a mental breakdown.

"And I'm the motorcar!" Sirius reminded him. "If you give me the dog again, I'll hit you with it!"

* * *

"Would you believe it?" snapped Sirius. "'Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two hundred pounds'."

Which left Lupin and Tonks (the hat and the wheelbarrow) to traipse around the board, practically dancing across the squares that were mostly owned by their opponent by means of cheating.

"Aha!" cried Sirius, rolling a double. "Moony, a short stay in Mayfair I see. And in my hotel! That's five hundred pounds."

"Five hundred pounds! It's four hundred on the card!"

"Yeah but I put you in the Penthouse."

"I knew it. This always happens."

"Come on, pay up!"

Lupin bitterly slammed down a pink note and advanced to Go, still seething. Noticing Tonks on Coventry, he smirked.

"My hotel in Coventry. Two hundred and eighty pounds."

"Remus, it's next to a sewage plant."

"No it's not. It's the waterworks! It's not even next to it."

Tonks smiled.

"That's it! I'm not playing anymore! The pair of you are just as bad as each other!"

* * *

It was midnight by the time Sirius felt his friend had been humiliated enough, humiliated into bankruptcy at least and declared that he was going to bed. Kissing Tonks' cheek, he warned her not to fall up the stairs and promptly left them alone, no doubt part of some cunning plan.

"He can clear this away in the morning," Lupin told her. "I am in no mood to do it now. Would you like something to drink?"

Tonks smirked. "If you're talking about tea, I'll pass."

"If you're up for it and can handle the consequences, we could always steal a bit of Sirius' Firewhiskey."

"Now you're talking," she laughed. "It's his birthday tomorrow isn't it?"

Lupin nodded. "Yeah. _He'll_ be over thirty-five but his IQ won't be."

"So is it okay if I come round again tomorrow?"

Lupin beamed. "Of course it is! That's great! I've been really worried about it. It's his first proper birthday since the eighties and he won't say anything but it'll bother him. Perfect! Is your mother coming?"

Tonks laughed. "She'll drop by I'm sure. I'll have to get him a present and who are you inviting round?"

Lupin stared at her. "Er no-one; he's still an escaped convict."

"Oh yeah but he has friends right?"

"Well he's got _me_."

Tonks' jaw dropped. "That's it?"

"And Buckbeak."

"Who the hell is Buckbeak?"

"His Hippogriff."

"He has a Hippogriff?"

"Long story," said Lupin, handing her a shot glass. "You really don't want to ask."

She downed the glass without even wincing and smiled at Lupin. "I'd better get going. You should get some sleep. You have bags under your eyes. You have really nice eyes by the way. I think I'll borrow them."

She blinked and revealed eyes as black as the night.

"See you tomorrow," she called, running up the stairs. "I look forward to it."

"Well knowing Sirius, neither of us will forget it in a hurry," he said to himself, folding the board. It had been an interesting evening, he'd admit that. What he wouldn't admit is how much he genuinely enjoyed spending time with the young woman who had burst into his life accidentally and thankfully, showed no signs of disappearing.


	5. A Pipe and a Trench Coat

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

One thing was for certain, Sirius had been drinking. Lupin clocked his surroundings, namely the drawing room, and realised that this was not the case. _They_ had been drinking. He didn't even remember getting here. They were in the kitchen not ten minutes ago.

"And then Narcissa fell in it. It was hilarious!"

Lupin came to the conclusion that this was why he was teetotal. He never drank in moderation; although neither had his father, it was all or nothing with the Lupins, and this was the blatant reason why. He couldn't remember anything other than the punch-line of Sirius' anecdote. _What_ had whatsername fell in? _Why_ was it hilarious? And _why_ were there now two women standing in the doorway, vaguely amused?

Wait! There were _women_? One other thing was for certain, Sirius knew how to throw a party. They had spent the whole day, God knows what time it was now but it was the middle of the afternoon when Sirius had persuaded him that three o'clock was a perfectly reasonable time for a drink, especially this close to Christmas, alone but for the other, drinking and making their way through a cake that Lupin had bought rather than attempted to bake after the last culinary disaster. Oh and they had made a Marauder sandwich, wanting to leave Peter's filling out but without the chicken it was just tomato sauce (James), chillies (Sirius) and Branston pickle (Remus). It was absolutely foul and somehow when they were at school at least, they had once found this 'state-of-the-art sandwich' digestible.

However, this didn't solve the puzzle regarding what women were doing in Sirius' sketching room, no…that wasn't right…never mind where they were, they shouldn't be there.

"Come on Moony, dance with me!"

Lupin was a little dubious, a sign that he hadn't had quite enough to drink just yet but as the radio blared 'Ever Fallen in Love' he was sorely tempted. This song was so meaningful. It was the story of his life.

He had to be pretty far gone; he was describing punk as 'meaningful'. This was just like old times, except he wasn't wearing black drainpipe jeans and eyeliner, though that was probably for the best.

"Come on Moons, remember when we used to work the pub circuit?"

They had worked the pub circuit? Lupin vaguely recalled his first job in a Muggle cocktail bar in Hope Cove but he didn't think that could be described as a 'circuit' and Sirius certainly hadn't been present because he'd managed to keep the job for the whole summer.

"We didn't, did we?"

From the doorway, Tonks began to wonder why she hadn't brought her mother round earlier, _before_ this had been allowed to happen. She really should have anticipated this.

"Yeah man!" cried Sirius, atop the long coffee table. "Last Thursday night, don't you remember? We were undercover detectives working as drag artists. You were wearing a trench coat and smoking a pipe. Oh no, wait, that last bit was a dream. In fact, the whole thing might have been a dream but that's irrelevant. You should be up here man, the whole world makes more sense."

Lupin certainly didn't recall working as a drag artist, although he _did_ go through a faze that involved heavy eye make-up in an attempt to actually _be_ Sid Vicious. Regardless, he soon found himself screaming along, vaguely in tune and aware that his passable singing voice was suffering from the alcohol.

Sirius was right. The world _did_ make more sense on this table. He knew who the women were. Why, that was Tonks! Tonks and…her mother. Great, just great! He leapt off the table and caught his balance before he managed to fall into them. So far so good.

He cleared his throat and held his hand out. "Mrs. Tonks, a pleasure. I doubt you remember me and I'm really sorry about this but we have met before and I hope I made a better impression."

Andromeda tried to bite back her broad smile in response, a feat not helped by her daughter who was shaking with laughter.

"Were you wearing your trench coat, Remus?"

Lupin glanced over at Tonks and tried not to blush as she raised an eyebrow and smirked. How could he have let himself get like this? He knew they were coming round.

"I'm sorry," he slurred. "I let him have pizza and Firewhiskey for breakfast. I think that was my first mistake, and then he made me drink thirty-five shots of it with him in honour of his birthday. The whiskey obviously, not the pizza."

Tonks laughed. "I'd better get him down, you're in no fit state to." She held out her hand and Sirius grasped it, pulling her up beside him. "Sirius, mum's here."

"My mother's here?"

"No, _mine_ is."

Sirius' brow furrowed. "We don't have the same mother, do we?"

Tonks widened her eyes and slowly shook her head. He was worse off than she had thought. "No, Sirius. Thankfully, we don't."

"Thankfully indeed," he agreed. "Because you're looking pretty hot tonight. Don't you think she looks sexy, Remus?"

Lupin wasn't entirely sure what to say. On the one hand, she took his breath away. On the other, he was standing beside her mother. He was aware that the customary reaction was to answer a question. "Um…she looks very nice but then, she always does." Wait! Had he said that last bit out loud? Evidently yes, as Tonks was blushing a little and smiling at him. Oh splendid, so now she knew that he was a lecherous old man who looked at her backside when she ran up the stairs every time she left. He was vaguely aware of the heat in his cheeks but frankly, was more concerned by the knowing smile on his best friend's face.

There was only one thing for it. He would have to revert to his basic instincts and react in the same manner as he always did in such uncomfortable situations.

"Would anybody like some tea?"

Tonks grinned at him. "Seeing as it's my dear and beloved cousin's birthday," she joked. "Have you got anything stronger or have you finished that up between you?"

* * *

Sirius now wore the red and gold striped scarf Andromeda had knitted him as what she thought was a joke. She obviously had not been expecting him to burst into tears and wrap his arms around her in gratitude and then just…not let go. It came as no surprise that soon afterwards, she made her excuses and disappeared through the fireplace.

Luckily, the drunken Sirius had managed to regain his high spirits prior to her departure and they had refused to budge. Unluckily, it meant he was constantly pestering Tonks and Lupin to dance with him.

"Come on Nymphie, you know you want to."

Tonks' hair turned a vivid red and her eyes blazed. "Don't even think about calling me that again. I won't be so nice about it when you're sober."

"Remus?"

Lupin stared him out but the hard truth was that his head wasn't quite screwed on as tightly as it could have been and he was soon on his feet, waltzing across the room with Sirius. Something in the back of his mind told him that he would regret this in the morning.

"You're not bad," Tonks told him as he collapsed beside her. "I don't know many men who can actually dance, and when I say dance, I mean beyond The Robot."

Lupin grinned. "I can be persuaded into that too if you ask nicely enough. I can be persuaded into a pretty passable tango too."

"You can tango?"

Lupin nodded. "My mother used to dance. I was taught all this when I was fourteen. Needless to say, my father nearly had a fit when he found me jiving in the front room. I think he thought I was gay. Oh, if only he knew."

Tonks stared at him, incredulous. He couldn't be gay! He just couldn't be! "You're…you know?"

Lupin laughed. "No, it's still women in general for me. I meant if only he knew I was sharing a house with a man who thinks that last Thursday night, he and I were drag artist detectives."

Tonks threw her head back and laughed.

"Who the hell told you that?" asked Sirius, grinning inanely but puzzled.

Ignoring him, they continued their dare-she-say-it, flirtations.

"And are you?" Tonks asked, trying to maintain a straight face.

"That's the worrying thing," Lupin told her earnestly. "I just don't remember."

* * *

And that was the worrying thing about the following morning too. He didn't remember anything about the previous night. It was slowly coming back to him in short snippets. He was vaguely aware of the other person in the bathroom. What was he doing in the bathroom?

A voice that he vaguely recognised dismissed Kreacher and he heard the faint sounds of water. That was nice. It soothed his head slightly. He was burning up. He would have to either stop drinking or _start_ drinking more regularly and build up the same kind of easy resistance that Sirius had acquired.

Lupin moaned his approval as the cold flannel worked its magic on his fevered forehead. He was never having a hangover like this one again. "God, that's good." He heard a faint snigger and smiled. "Sorry, that sounded a little too orgasmic."

The snigger was now a full blown, throaty laugh that sounded disturbingly like his own. Okay, that was odd. He opened one eye and screamed. He was kneeling beside himself on the floor and applying a replacement cold flannel. Leaping to his feet, he shook with horror. "Sirius, if this is some kind of sick joke…if we did some sort of whacked out body-swapping ritual, you have _got_ to change me back!" _That_ was why he had the mother of all hangovers. He had taken on the body of Sirius Black.

Except, looking in the mirror, he hadn't.

The other Lupin laughed until he doubled over and losing concentration, he started to shrink. His hair changed from a sandy colour to a mousy brown and his black eyes dulled and sparkled, now a bright silver. Beside him, Tonks was still crying with laughter and unaware that she had slipped into her own form.

"The look on your face Remus! Priceless!"

Lupin gasped for breath. "Don't ever do that again!" She was beautiful, _really_ beautiful. It was almost like looking at a female Sirius, who was something of an Adonis himself, with better hair. "Your eyes…"

Tonks gasped and scrunched up her face in concentration, her hair returning to its usual vivid pink and her eyes to the dark brown she had adopted for the last few weeks, a shade she had named 'Lupin-black'.

"I don't know why you change them," Lupin told her earnestly. "Mine are horrible. I don't know what you see in them."

"Are you serious?" she asked in amazement. "You have the most extraordinary eyes. Sirius says when you're angry, your pupils swell up and he has to look really closely to notice it and when you've had an idea, they turn the colour of really old knuts."

"I know." Lupin made a face. "I hate them. Any chance of getting that flannel back?"

She laughed and relented, hoping she had not embarrassed him with her speech about the loveliness of his eyes, as much as she had herself. Lots of people she knew had expressive eyes but she didn't show up and spout such a load of dung at _them_. Oh Merlin. She so wanted the ground to swallow her up. He knew. He would have to be stupid not to be by now. Oh well, there went her plans of spending Christmas at Grimmauld, deliberately planting herself under mistletoe. It was probably for the best; Sirius would only end up thinking it was _him_ she was trying to ensnare. No, it was better this way.

Lupin removed the flannel and leant over the sink, groaning as he did so. For a moment, Tonks thought he was going to vomit. Thankfully he didn't. Instead, he murmured, "I am never drinking again," into the basin and reached for the towel. He appeared to be feeling better anyway. "How's Sirius?" If _he_ was feeling this bad, Merlin knows what Sirius was going through. Knowing Sirius, he was sitting in the kitchen, bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"He's not up yet," Tonks replied. "It's only four o'clock."

Lupin smiled with relief. That was why the room was so dark. He might as well return to bed and sleep this off.

"Okay, well goodnight."

Tonks smirked. "Good _afternoon_ you mean."

"_What_?"

"It is precisely," Tonks looked at her watch. "Sixteen hundred hours. I've been letting you sleep the alcohol off. In fairness, you two really go at it, don't you?"

Lupin cringed. "What happened?"

Tonks smirked, the mirth in her eyes reminding Lupin so much of her cousin. "Well, you stopped drinking at half past seven this morning and then only because you passed out."

"Please tell me you're joking." He hadn't done that since he'd been wearing tartan jeans and eyeliner, probably a result of drinking until he passed out.

"Sirius faired slightly better. He decided to keep the remainder of his dignity and retired from drinking at ten past nine."

Lupin laughed. "Ten past nine?"

Tonks nodded. "Oh yeah," she told him, grinning. "He started on his mother's wine from 1946. I told him not to. Thank God you weren't there; you'd only have encouraged him in the state you were in."

"I can't believe I passed out. I'm _thirty-four_. Where the hell did I put my common sense?"

Tonks laughed. "Yeah, why did you think you were lying on the bathroom floor with a cold flannel on you?"

Lupin shrugged. "I have no idea. I thought maybe I'd fallen asleep half-way through a game of sardines or something. Whenever we used to have parties, Sirius would suggest sardines so that he could cram himself into a small airing cupboard with some girl he had never even seen before."

Tonks raised an eyebrow. "In this instance, _me_ I suppose, or else it was my mother."

Lupin laughed. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head and beamed at him. "No worries."

"And I'm sorry for causing you all this trouble. Thanks for looking after me since I can't be trusted to look after myself."

"Really, it was my pleasure." Inwardly, Tonks groaned. Could she have thought of anything worse? Next time, she would think about what she was about to say and then not say it. "I mean…you were hysterical when you came round. It was well worth it. Anyway, I should really go and try to sort out the 'sketching room'."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "I can't believe I said that. I am so sorry and um…as means of an apology, I'll be your willing slave. Do as you will with me."

Her eyes widened. "What?"

Lupin frowned slightly, confused. "You sound so shocked. I'm pretty good at cleaning. I had to do a lot of it from a young age. I hung around with Sirius and James, remember?"

Oh. He was going to help her clean. Good. That was a relief, she supposed. Yes. Thank God he wasn't throwing himself at her. Who the bloody hell was she trying to kid? She had spent the last twelve hours wishing he would pick up on her hints. _Why_ wasn't he throwing himself at her? She sighed.

"We'd better get to it before the Prince of Darkness wakes up."


	6. A Scarf and a Fried Egg Sandwich

**Disclaimer: See first chapter  
****A.N: After yesterday's angsty little oneshot, I am so glad I have this to come back to. Thanks to Dee, gurugirl, Louey06 and edwardfiend for your great reviews.**

The Prince of Darkness woke mere minutes later and inspected himself. No apparent gaping wounds, a few little bruises and all of his hair. He had also awoken beside a traffic cone and had no memory of the previous night's festivities. All in all, it must have been a good night.

He padded into a clean drawing room in an attempt to trace his steps. It was the only way he would remember what happened to the last bottle of his mother's homemade wine. Finding Tonks and Lupin sitting on the loveseat and laughing, he backtracked slightly. Perhaps he'd go in later. Yes, that was for the best. After all, Remus hadn't got his leg over in years.

Sirius was halfway up the stairs before he remembered that Tonks was family and it was his job to check out any possible conquests and deem whether they were worthy enough to engage in a relationship with his baby cousin. He would take that job seriously and Lupin was anything _but_ suitable boyfriend material.

They didn't seem to mind that Sirius had joined them, although Tonks had shot him a look that could have turned milk sour when he tried to sit between them. Lupin seemed slightly disgruntled but said nothing.

"Oh, this place is nice."

"That's because it's clean," joked Tonks, grinning at Sirius and trying not to laugh as Lupin winced and massaged his temples. "So don't touch anything."

"Can you both stop shouting please?"

Sirius smirked. This was priceless. "Remus, we're not shouting."

Lupin groaned and stood slowly. "You know, I think I'm going to make some tea. Would anyone else like anything?"

Sirius shook his head. Lupin made tea like dishwater with about six sugar lumps and the tiniest splash of milk. It made him feel sick but Lupin appeared to be obsessed with it.

"Actually, I'll go down with you," said Tonks, tapping her pockets to ensure she had remembered her wand. "I'd better be getting home. I have work in the morning."

Sirius smirked. He had done all he could for the girl and still she insisted that she needed to be alone with Remus Lupin. "If you've cleaned this, we'd better sit in the kitchen Remus. I'll be down in about five minutes. I have to get dressed."

Lupin rubbed his eyes. "It's half past seven and I don't know what you have planned but count me out."

Sirius grinned. "I'm going to cure your hangover."

Lupin was forced to agree to placate his friend but inwardly, he wanted to scream. He nodded towards the door and waited for her as Tonks was enveloped in a bear hug. She struggled slightly but, as most people realised, there was little point attempting to escape Sirius.

Sirius waited for several minutes, giving them enough time for a quick goodbye and, he frowned slightly, possibly a goodnight kiss. He sighed and headed down to the basement kitchen, hoping to avoid Kreacher who would find much amusement in his master's situation.

He flung himself into the kitchen and slammed the door shut behind him, finding his housemate leaning over the kitchen counter, counting sugar lumps and grinning inanely.

"What are you doing?"

Lupin looked up and beamed. "I'm making tea." He appeared to have been cured of his hangover anyway. "Five…and…six. Sure I can't tempt you with some tea?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I'm positive. You don't need tea anyway. You need hair of the dog and a Marauder sandwich. We're going to need a new one. Fuck Peter and his chicken breasts. He only liked them because it was the closest he was ever going to get to breasts. I'm choosing fried egg."

"A fried egg sandwich?"

Sirius grinned. "Hell yes! We'll assume Prongs will stick with his beloved ketchup. If you pick Branston pickle, I'll kill you."

Lupin groaned. "But I _like_ pickle."

"I know," Sirius assured him. "I've seen you spoon it straight out of the jar. What else do you like, other than chocolate and sweet tea?"

Lupin smirked. "Well I'm partial to cheese on toast so here's what we're going to do. You toast the bread and cheese and I'll fry the eggs." He would never have agreed to this had he not been high on euphoria. "I'll even let you spread the ketchup because you'll put obscene amounts of it on there and James would have liked that."

As the hiss of frying oil filled the silence, Sirius frowned. Lupin glanced over at him and raised his eyebrows.

"Sickle for them?" he asked, tossing the pan with a slight movement of his hand and flipping the eggs.

"How do you do that?"

Lupin grinned. "Practice," he laughed. "Now what's up?"

"It's nothing."

Lupin reached for the toast and distributed the eggs, tossing the ketchup bottle to Sirius who caught with less ease than he would usually.

"Doesn't look like nothing," muttered Lupin, taking his sandwich and praying for mercy as he took a tentative bite. "This isn't bad actually."

Sirius shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me or anything. I honestly don't care."

"But you want to know what happened between myself and Nymphadora in the hallway."

Sirius nodded, taking a large bite of his sandwich and staring Lupin out, daring him to lie.

"Nothing happened, Sirius. I just saw her out and bid her goodnight."

Sirius smirked. He had spotted the loophole. "What did _she_ do?"

Lupin sighed in half mock exasperation and half worry.

"She kissed you, didn't she?"

"She might have done."

"_Where_?"

"On the porch."

Sirius stared at his friend as though he had grown a spare head. "I despair of you."

"It was a peck on the cheek. I didn't throw myself at her!"

Sirius sighed and glowered. "Hurt her," he warned in tones that would not have felt out of place in _The Godfather_. "And I will decapitate you."

"Fair enough."

Sirius offered his hand for Lupin to shake and failed to be amused by Lupin's laughter.

"Remus, we have entered a gentlemen's agreement and it is customary to shake my hand."

Lupin rolled his eyes but shook the outstretched hand anyway and collected their plates, allowing the washing up to, for once, wait until morning. He took his mug of cold tea and bid his friend goodnight.

"It's not even nine o'clock. You only just got up!"

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "No. _You_ only just got up. Don't drink. Don't get out pictures of James. Above all, don't wake me at three in the morning to burn books with you. Tomorrow will be difficult enough without sleep deprivation."

Shit! _That_ was why he had a headache. _That_ was why his hangover had mysteriously disappeared with Tonks. Sirius gave him a knowing half-smile.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

Lupin shrugged. His monthlies were still a sore subject. "If you want to."

Sirius laughed. "If you think I can be trusted to keep myself entertained, more like. I'll be there. I'm a less expensive, poisonous and complicated version of Wolfsbane, right? You always said you felt better when we were there. Well, it's only me now but I'll do my best, okay?"

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

Lupin pulled his friend into a one-armed hug. "Thanks."

* * *

Her pink hair was covered with tiny white flakes as she flung open the door of Grimmauld Place and gasped as her bitterly cold skin was warmed as much as it could be in Grimmauld. It was painful but it was heavenly.

Sirius shut the door to the kitchen behind him, whistling _Werewolves of London_ as he carried a plate of chicken along the corridor. He jumped when he came face to face with Tonks who smiled at him but did not apologise. She looked toward the coat-rack. Good. It was still there. Her excuse was valid.

"Hi. I forgot my scarf."

Sirius raised an eyebrow and smiled. "He's a little busy at the moment. Why don't you come back tomorrow, after work?"

Tonks blushed; her crimson cheeks clashing violently with her hair. Sirius could only assume she was glad Lupin was busy enough to miss this.

"Busy?" she asked, finally able to morph her complexion.

Sirius resisted the urge to laugh. "Yeah, he's…um…he's hunting."

"Hunting?"

Shit! What the hell was he saying? He would have to go with it now and face Lupin's wrath when he found out.

"Well, you know Remus. His father used to be a farmer and some of his old friends invited Remus to go fox hunting with them and he thought that he had better go so as not to offend them." Sirius smiled, knowing that she had detected his lies.

"Oh…okay then."

"Sirius, could you give it about an hour? Make sure you can see the moon before you come up, okay?"

"That was Remus, wasn't it?"

Sirius groaned. "Yeah, he's just putting his jodhpurs on. They like to go at night. I'm using his bedroom tonight. I'm reading some of his books on…um…pornography."

Tonks stared him out. "Okay. Bye."

Sirius grabbed her hand and pulled her back. "Okay, I'll admit it. I'm lying. I'm lying appallingly. Remus' father worked for the ministry. He's not going hunting and he doesn't own a pair of jodhpurs. He doesn't have any porn either, much to my dismay, because he's the old fashioned sort. Look Tonks, if it was my secret, I would tell you but it's not. It's _his_. He'll tell you as soon as you let him know that you won't run from him. I'm terrified that I've cocked this up for him and you're the best thing for him, really. He just doesn't know it yet. I mean, you should have seen him last night. I should just shut up right about now. I'll tell him you called anyway. Come back tomorrow at half past six and I'll make sure I'm out, okay?"

Tonks nodded; her confused frown lines still evident on her face. "Sirius, you can't go out. You're a wanted criminal."

Sirius rolled his eyes and handed her the chicken. "Watch," he instructed, lowering his wand to his head and she barely had time to blink before Tonks found herself standing before a large, black dog.

"You do realise that this is totally illegal?"

The dog barked and Tonks gave him an exasperated shrug. She watched him adopt the form of her cousin and, handing back the plate, asked, "What the hell was that?"

"I said," Sirius informed her, smirking. "Yes, I do know, and if you tell anyone I will piss on your leg."

She couldn't help herself. She had to laugh despite her confusion and slightly hurt feelings at their blatant lack of trust in her.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Well, I won't because presumably you'll be chasing your tail in the garden, won't you?"

Sirius sighed as the door slammed behind her.

"Who the hell was that?"

"I'll explain in a minute, Moons!" Sirius called up the stairs. "I'm so dead," he muttered to himself.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A.N: And this is where I bribe you for reviews. Next chapter up on the 23rd because I have something fluffy and Christmassy so it will be a quick update if I get some reviews. In the words of our favourite werewolf, "It's certainly blackmail. I'm not sure if it's of the emotional sort just yet. Though I will most certainly be more than willing to progress to it if you refuse." **


	7. The Christmas Fairy and some Mistletoe

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

"Sirius, are you expecting anyone?"

Lupin flicked through a book on Banshees, a topic he was researching for Harry who was busy thinking of ways in which to open his egg without bursting his eardrums.

Sirius faked innocence. "Expecting someone?"

"Yes," replied Lupin, smiling and highlighting a paragraph with an ancient pencil that Sirius was sure he recognised from NEWT level Defence. He had been forced to borrow it on more than one occasion as a result of his disregard for his own equipment.

"How long have you had that pencil?"

"Stop distracting me. Who are you expecting?"

"Why should I be expecting someone?"

Lupin raised his eyebrows but his eyes glinted with mirth. "Oh, let's think, shall we? You've paced, you've asked if I think the door has been opened a total of five times and you're standing on the stairs, ready to flee so I was wondering if you would care to share the information you are hiding."

"Now that _was _the door," laughed Sirius. "Why don't you answer it?"

Lupin smirked. He wasn't playing. "Why don't _you_? I'm busy."

"Remus, I think it's for you."

"Then tell them to come back tomorrow, I'm busy."

Sirius sighed. "I know it's the day after the full moon but must you be such a grumpy bugger? You've been crabby all day. I'm busy too. I need to get out for a bit." With a parting eyebrow flash and a nod towards the door, Sirius transformed himself and perhaps Lupin was imagining it, but was that dog smirking at him?

"Oh, _very_ mature."

"Wotcher!"

Lupin nodded his greeting and turned to the large, black dog who winked at him.

"Can I help you?"

Tonks' smile faded a little at his frostiness and her eyes lightened to their usual grey. "Um…yeah," she stammered. "I forgot my scarf."

He handed it to her, wordlessly.

"Are you free Friday?" she asked, her eyes wide. She hadn't meant to ask him because he was so cold in his demeanour, it had slipped out. Her plan had been so perfectly formed in her head.

He shook his head and averted his eyes, still gentlemanly enough to spare her embarrassment.

"Okay. See you round then."

She was about to walk out of his life. Lupin's mind was on auto-pilot. He reached for her elbow and pulled her back. "Sirius asked me to ask if you were coming round Christmas Eve, so er…are you?"

Tonks shrugged. "Yeah; alright then."

She shut the door behind her and before he knew it, Lupin found that he was now battling his emotions and Sirius, a much harder task.

"Right," snapped Sirius. "What the hell was that?"

"Don't _ever_ do that to me again!"

Sirius laughed bitterly, astounded. "Hypocrite!"

"Excuse me?"

Lupin was unnerved by his friend's expression. Sirius smirked. "Don't bring my name into it then. I asked you no such thing. Do you want the girl, or not?"

"Just keep out of it! You were the one who said you'd destroy me if I hurt her so I'm saving us all the bother."

"You think she's not hurt, do you? Obviously you didn't get a decent look at her face just then."

Lupin frowned and glared at the carpet rather than face his opponent. "It's better she's hurt now than months down the line after I've given her false hope."

"Oh for Christ's sake!"

Lupin stormed up the stairs, much to the amusement of Kreacher whose remarks almost earned him a broken hooked nose.

Sirius returned to the basement kitchen and sat at the table, flicking through Lupin's notes. He wasn't a bad sort really. He was always grumpy the day after a transformation. After all, he had thrown himself into helping Harry. He'd made notes in a book he had taken from the Black library and simplified them in a structured letter. Sirius smiled fondly, only Remus. Personally, he would never have had such patience. He did rather spring Tonks on his friend. Lupin had been a total arse but he really should have known better.

Hence why Lupin was disturbed during his moping by a tall, muscular figure who elbowed him out of the way and lay beside him on the cold, hard mattress.

"How do you sleep on this?"

"You get used to it," Lupin assured him, staring at the ceiling. "I'm sorry."

Sirius gave him a half-smile, though why he bothered when they were both gazing at the ceiling as though it were about to collapse, was beyond him. "It's not really me you should be apologising to, mate."

"I know. I'm sorry for being a pain in the arse all day."

"No worries. I know what you're like. I don't exactly help."

Lupin laughed faintly. "Forget it."

Sirius sighed. "So, what are you going to do about Nymphie?"

"I don't think there's anything I can do."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "So you're going to mope in this room and bring yourself off for the rest of your life, are you?"

Lupin grinned despite himself. "Well yeah, that was the plan. Incidentally, _is_ there a topic you can't work sex into?"

"Possibly," answered Sirius. "I just haven't found it yet."

They fell into a comfortable, companionable silence. However, one of the reasons they had failed to click at first as eleven year old children, was that Lupin liked silence and Sirius always felt the need to fill it.

"You haven't completely ballsed it up anyway," he said. "You have Christmas Eve. Speaking of which, that's only next week. We should trim the place up. We'll start in here. It looks so bloody dire. I think it's the curtains. We've got to find something to do with them."

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you ever just be quiet?"

* * *

"What do you think?"

Lupin stared at the sight before him. This could not be happening. This was not his life. It would soon be over and he would wake up, probably in a cold sweat, on his lumpy mattress.

"It's um…well, to tell the truth Padfoot, it's downright horrific."

From the look in his swarthy, black eyes, these were Kreacher's sentiments exactly as he was forced to 'give Mister Lupin a twirl'.

"He's the Christmas Fairy," said Sirius, as though this were the most obvious thing in the world.

"He's-"

Lupin jumped at the sound of the bell. She'd stopped letting herself in then, even though they had left the door open for her. Getting to his feet, he suddenly found that he would rather be anywhere else but here.

Her hair was flame red. Was she seriously pissed off or just festive? Her eyes were a chocolate brown as opposed to their usual imitation of his.

"Can I talk to you?"

Tonks glared at him as he closed the door behind her and attempted a smile.

"I don't know. Are you off the arsehole pills?"

She knew that he had returned to the Lupin she so loved when he smirked and replied, "For now. They are strangely addictive but I'm getting help."

She sighed with relief but was reluctant to forgive him too easily. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Us,"

"_Is_ there an 'us'?"

Lupin shrugged. "I assume so. We're here aren't we? You and I. Me and you."

She grinned. "I am aware of the many variations."

"I was a prat."

"Yeah, you were."

"And I'm sorry."

Tonks smiled. "Good. Apology accepted."

She brushed past him and this time he took her hand to pull her back to him. She smiled to herself and raised her eyebrows.

"That's not all. I feel as though I owe you an explanation."

She smiled fondly at him. "I don't need to hear it. Sirius told me about what telling me would mean so-"

"You spoke to Sirius?"

He was alarmed and in unfamiliar territory. Tonks took a deep breath. Please God, don't let him run now. She nodded. "You know; cousinly telepathy."

Lupin nodded but he was smiling now at least, if somewhat faintly. "What else did he tell you?"

"He said that if it was his secret, he would tell me but he couldn't because it was yours. He also said that you would tell me when you could be sure that I wouldn't run from you, so let me tell you, I will not run."

Lupin closed his eyes. If he couldn't see her, he couldn't see the look of horror on her beautiful face. "I was bitten when I was a child by-"

"I know," she shushed him. "I've known since last Thursday."

"And you came back?"

Tonks was almost offended. Just what sort of woman did he take her for? She remembered his paranoia just as she opened her mouth to shout back a biting retort. "Of course I did," she told him, trying to meet his eyes despite his best efforts to avoid hers. "It's not _what_ you are Remus, it's _who_ you are. Aside from being an absolute idiot and a total prick last Friday, you're one of the most amazing men I've ever met. You're charming and handsome and witty and astoundingly intelligent and…you're everything I could ever want in a friend."

She heard Lupin gasp and felt his sharp intake of breath as she leant up and kissed him, so very lightly it was almost chaste.

"Mistletoe," she mumbled, pulling away. "Which reminds me!" She handed him a Christmas card and practically bounced downstairs into the kitchen, grabbing the handrail half way down as she caught her heel on a step.

He heard her shout of 'Sirius!' and knew that she would be trapped in an infamously difficult to escape, embrace. He smiled to himself and opened her card.

_From one shape-shifter to another,_

_Merry Christmas,_

_Much love, Dora xx_

He grinned and not even the screams of his housemate's mother, could wipe the smile from his face.

"Half-breed spawn of Mudblood filth!"

"Merry Christmas Mrs. B!" he said, grinning cheerfully and disgusting her further. "I'll be down now. Give me five minutes!" he shouted downstairs.

In the kitchen, Sirius and Tonks shared a knowing glance.

"He'll be leaping around the upstairs landing," Sirius told her. "He just doesn't want to let on that he's doing it. There used to be air drum solos too but thankfully, he gave up on them when he stopped listening to Phil Collins. Would you like something to drink? Me and Moony are about to make mince pies with Kreacher. I'm not keen on mince pies personally, I think it's like mixing spaghetti bolognaise with fruit but Froot-Loop has insisted. You can stay if you like."

Tonks laughed at the image. "Alright then, should be more entertaining than watching _Miracle on 34__th__ street_ with my dad. Thanks by the way, for the mistletoe."

Sirius beamed. "No problem. I filled most of the ceiling with it so wherever you were, I had you covered."

Tonks nudged him as she heard Lupin on the stairs. She looked up and smiled at him, trying her hardest not to blush. A blush was one of the hardest blemishes to remove.

"Well Pad, I don't know why the house has been adorned with half a bloody tree but if you're hoping to catch me under mistletoe, you can think on." He winked at Tonks and try as she might, she could not hide her crimson hued cheeks.

He knew then. She wasn't sure why she was surprised. He knew everything.


	8. Love Bites and Choirboys

**Disclaimer: See first Chapter  
****A.N.: Apologies to any wannabe priests**

It had been years since he had woken in the early hours of the morning on Christmas day. The excitement had long since passed and, content that he needn't worry if Santa had decided he was a naughty boy and therefore had withheld his presents, Lupin lay in bed and enjoyed the silence.

By five o'clock, he had almost drifted to sleep when he heard Sirius moving around on the floor below. That was the trouble with being extremely perceptive, he could never be surprised. He waited for the doorknob to turn and supposed that he had better at least pretend to be astonished as his friend burst through the door.

"Moony!"

He jumped. His hearing had obviously deteriorated.

"Moony! It's Christmas!"

Lupin rolled his eyes. The meaning of this gesture was lost completely by the grin that stretched from ear to ear. It was almost like being back at school. He reached into his bedside cabinet and pulled out two parcels, extremely neatly wrapped. Sirius glared at them, his envy immeasurable. Even when done by magic, his wrapping never turned out like that.

"Which one's mine?"

Lupin nudged them both towards him. "I saw it and I thought of you," he explained as Sirius toyed with the wrapping of the smaller parcel and revealing a small book entitled _How to Charm Banshees and other handy hints for the Modern Wizard. _"It's basically three hundred pages about the female of every species known to date. The man in Florish and Blotts looked at me as though I told him I wanted to have sex with his dead grandmother, so you owe me big time."

Sirius laughed until he cried. "I wish I could have seen that." Flicking through it, he paused on a chapter and winked at Lupin. "Hey Remus, there's a chapter on Metamorphagii."

Lupin shot him a disapproving look but curiosity won out and he read over Sirius' shoulder, urging him to read faster.

"_A Metamorphagus, especially a female, is able to change their appearance involuntarily according to their current emotion_," read Sirius, raising a questioning eyebrow. "_So don't be alarmed if they change at the crucial moment_. That's it! You have to bed her now. I know she's family and all and I should be protecting her from you, but I have to know if that's true."

Lupin was horrified. "I do not take women to bed to tell you what they look like when they…, you know…."

"These days Remus, I have to live vicariously through your achievements. Open yours!"

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "When can you have left to buy me a present?"

"I didn't," Sirius admitted. "I got Tonks to buy them for me."

Lupin wasn't sure he wanted Tonks to know what Sirius had bought him. He had probably sent her to a gay sex shop and insisted she buy something pink, glittery and made from PVC. It was just the sort of thing his friend would do.

"Well, open it then," urged Sirius, smirking.

"Chilli flavour condoms; just what I wanted." Oh God! What did she think of him now? He was going to slowly kill this man.

Sirius laughed. "Now, open your real present. Remember I trashed your LPs?"

Lupin glared at him. "How could I forget?"

"It was an accident!" protested Sirius. "I swear! If it wasn't I wouldn't have got you these."

Lupin ripped open the paper, still staring Black out and raising his eyebrows. He missed those albums. Looking down, he gasped. _Love Bites,_ on LP. "Where did you get this?"

Sirius grinned. "Never you mind. I don't want you finding out; I got your birthday present there too."

"My birthday isn't for another three months!"

Sirius laughed. "You can never be too prepared. There's the new one too, _Trade Test Transmissions_. I've missed The Buzzcocks. I never thought I'd say that. We've got to find _Never Mind the Bollocks_ too. I loved that album! I'm still adamant that it was Johnny Rotten who taught you to swear."

"So's my mother," said Lupin. "She tells me I would never have learnt words like that from her. In fairness, I didn't. My father could swear like no other man I've met. Until I was ten he'd rein himself in a bit but after that he said I'd learn worse in school."

"Which you probably did," agreed Sirius. "So anyway, what are we going to do today?"

Lupin shrugged. "What do you usually do?"

"Well, last year I was hunting Pettigrew and the twelve years before that I was locked in a cell. For the last thirteen Christmases, I've been a dog so you'll forgive my being a little out of practise?"

This was awkward enough, without prying further and inquiring as to what Christmas with his parents had been like. He tried to remember Christmas at Sleepy Cottage. His parents had insisted on inviting the entire family, even his mother's Muggle relations. They had played charades and Monopoly, although after last time, there really was no way that he would play it with Sirius ever again. He would burn the board if he had to.

"Well, what about Christmas dinner?"

Sirius frowned slightly. "I'd forgotten about that. I'll get Kreacher onto it when we go downstairs. Tonks is at her mother's but she said she'd come round at about eleven. Sound good?"

Lupin stared at him, a small smile playing on his lips. "I've got it," he said softly. "I know what we'll do to kill a good hour."

At this, Sirius instantly perked up. "What?"

"We'll go to church."

* * *

Sirius hated churches. They reeked of candle wax and old books, a smell that Lupin inhaled deeply and smiled in response to. Why did Lupin always make him feel so inadequate? He was far more spiritual. He knew the words of the carols and could actually sing them in tune. He even seemed to believe what the priest read and refused to partake in a game that Sirius invented, namely 'Guess the buggered choirboy'.

"I think it's the one on the far left," Sirius whispered, his voice echoing around the church. "He looks like he's in pain."

Lupin plastered on a smile and tried to ignore him.

"Although, he was singing some pretty high notes so maybe that's why. I don't think I could ever sing that high. Someone must have been squeezing his balls. Ah! So he wasn't buggered! Well, that's not very Christmassy, is it?"

Lupin cracked. He hissed, "And what the hell is Christmassy about anal sex?"

"Remus, you can't honestly think that priests are straight? There's something wrong with a priest who's only copping a feel."

Lupin's face was hidden by his hands. "Please be quiet."

"I'm just saying."

"Well don't."

* * *

This was possibly the best Christmas of his life. It should by all accounts, have been the worst. Lupin had been embarrassed in a church, accused of assault on a beach, attempted dinner with Sirius and danced on a table to Christmas songs by Celestina Warbeck. All in all, it had been a good one.

"Shit!"

Lupin momentarily put down his book, giving his friend the once-over. He had no apparent injuries and the drawing room would, for once, have looked out of place in a disaster movie. "What's up?"

"It's half past five," said Sirius, his eyes wide.

Lupin nodded. "Yes, almost eighteen hours into the day, you have managed to tell the time. Congratulations."

Sirius narrowed his eyes but broke out into a grin. "Firewhiskey brings out the total bitch in you, Remus. Three sips of the stuff and you've got more venom than a Basilisk. No, I meant that Dora was supposed to be here at eleven and at that time I was-"

"I saw the light from the street," Tonks explained, bursting into the drawing room with long, vivaciously red hair and a gift bag. "I called round earlier. I let myself in. I hope you don't mind."

"What is it with your sense of timing?" asked Sirius, beaming at her. "I was just telling the Wicked Bitch of the West here, that we must have missed you and suddenly here you are."

Tonks shrugged. "It's my sixth sense." She was certainly not about to admit that she had been waiting all day to see Remus Lupin, who appeared oblivious to her obvious affections. "Mum can't make it, Sirius. She asked me to give you this." Turning to Lupin, she smiled wryly. "Obviously, she doesn't know you well enough to get you a gift but I hope you don't mind that I did." She pulled out a small and carefully (though still untidy) wrapped package and handed it to Lupin.

Sirius opened his bottle of Firewhiskey from his cousin and poured a small amount into Lupin's now empty glass. "And that's your last," he warned. "I know what you're like. You go from bitchy to horny in less than a minute and since it's me who has to spend the night with you, you're on water for the foreseeable future."

Lupin covered his eyes and tried to smile and Sirius had to laugh in response.

"Do you fancy some?" he asked Tonks, secretly relieved when she declined.

"I'll have some water too. I've been drinking all day," she confessed, smiling as he reluctantly headed down the two stories to the basement kitchen. She turned to Lupin. "So, if I got you drunk, I could have my way with you, huh?"

Lupin groaned. "He exaggerates everything. How's your Christmas been?"

Tonks smiled. "Good. I have to be getting back soon, back to my family and _Jurassic Park_. Honestly, my dad's love of crappy films is doing my nut in. We had a great dinner though, even if my Nan complained that the turkey was dry the whole way through. What about you?"

Lupin tried to smile. "Well," he began, sighing in a world-weary fashion. "This morning, we went to church. Not just any church, we went to the church next to my old house, where Sirius accused the priest of having buggered any number of small boys, including myself. He then told him that I had some interestingly flavoured condoms that I would be willing to sell, bearing in mind that this was all said to the man who christened me. I went for a walk on the beach and he followed me, still laughing, so I picked him up and tried to throw him in the sea when I was caught by an elderly man in a fishing boat who accused me of assault and rowed away to contact the police. We came home to find Kreacher had burnt some liver for dinner so we had to have pop tarts. Oh yes, and then your delightful cousin got me drunk and had me jumping on the furniture and screaming 'It's Christmas!' at the top of my voice. I'm still not entirely sure whether I'm sober or not. I hate him. I have no idea why I'm here."

Tonks' laughter could no longer be suppressed and Lupin was pleased that she had found it funny, even at the expense of his exaggerating a few details. He toyed with the gift in his hands and gasped.

"I have yours. I'd forgotten about it." He reached under the tree and produced a tiny and thin but perfectly wrapped package. "My mum sends money but um…well, she's a Muggle so we do all our shopping at the Spar round the corner. Obviously, that's not where I got those but I wanted you to know that they're Muggle. I hope you don't mind."

"Why would I mind?" Tonks smiled at him. It was almost a shame to open it. Carefully, she prised apart the ends of the paper and revealed a piece of black fabric with several stud earrings pierced through it, none of which matched.

"They let me pick them and I didn't think you were into jewellery that made any sense so-" Catching the look on her face, Lupin immediately regretted it. He had converted money in Gringotts to pay for Sirius' present. He should have thought this through.

"They're lovely," she assured him, twisting the backs of a silver hat and wheelbarrow into her ears. "They're perfect, Remus. Now if only you'd been able to get hold of an earring depicting your hotel in Coventry."

Lupin smirked. "It wasn't for want of trying."

She had had so much to drink that Tonks barely trusted herself. Was now an acceptable time to try and kiss him? It would appear so. He had bought her a gift after all, and not just any gift, but jewellery. Yes, a quick kiss might be appropriate here. She took a deep breath and bit her lip. Oh Merlin, she had chapped lips.

Sirius kicked open the door, two glasses and a bottle of whiskey in his arms. Thankfully, his arrival had enabled Tonks to see sense. It wasn't as though the man had bought her a ring, he had bought her some quirky earrings and had probably done so because he had no idea what else to get. She sighed and reached for her water.

"Actually Sirius, I've changed my mind. Some whiskey would be great."

She downed her glass and Lupin's eyes widened. His fingers began to work the many layers of cello tape. Tonks stopped him. "Open it when I've gone home," she instructed, her speech slurred with alcohol and her eyeballs tinged pink.

Sirius smiled to himself. "Okay, who's up for charades?"

* * *

"And you're sure there's just one word?" asked Lupin, watching Sirius smash his teeth together and wind on an imaginary camera.

"A film, one word…" mumbled Tonks, shrugging and looking to Lupin for answers. "Teeth? No, that can't be right. Molars? Canines?"

Lupin laughed. "I think we'd better not head down the tooth route."

Fifteen minutes later, Tonks was still shouting out vocabulary that would have impressed even a dentist and Lupin continued to shrug and make defeatist noises.

"I don't know, Padfoot," admitted Lupin. "But for God's sake, put me out of my misery."

Sirius shook his head and snapped his jaws.

"Bite?" guessed Lupin, knowing there was no such film. "Overbite!"

"Remus, you're just being stupid now," Sirius warned. He returned to silence and wound on the air-camera. "Oh for the love of Christ, it's _Jaws_, you morons!" He slumped onto the sofa and prodded Lupin into action. "Your go, Remus."

Lupin yawned. "To be honest, after the Jaws debacle, I'm ready for bed."

Tonks nodded her agreement. "I'd better be getting back," she said, getting to her feet. "Before I get too tired to even move."

She was soon enveloped in Sirius' arms. "You be careful."

Tonks raised her eyebrows. "Sirius, I can apparate into my bedroom if need be."

"You can stay here, you know," he offered. "We've got plenty of room and I can owl your mum. Well, these days I can parrot your mum. If I use tropical birds, people are far less suspicious."

"Why?"

"God knows," replied Lupin. "I think he just enjoys sending me to the pet shop every time he needs a new bird. Bearing in mind that he can never use the same one twice, it's made for some very interesting conversations."

Tonks giggled; the manner of which she had not done since her early Hogwarts years. Why did this man turn her into a love struck schoolgirl every time he spoke to her?

Sirius smiled. "Why don't you go to bed, Loop? I'll see Nymphie out."

Tonks glared at him. "What have I told you?" She extended her arms and breathed in deeply as Lupin allowed her to press herself against his chest. He smelt like rain; spring rain and cinnamon, a strange combination, but one that was pure Remus.

Sirius waited until the sounds of his friend closing his bedroom door and pottering around the room, could be heard upstairs before sitting his cousin down beside him and pouring her a fresh glass of whiskey.

"Right," he said in a businesslike manner. "What are we going to do about you and Moony, then?"


	9. Blue Penguin Pyjamas and a Master Plan

**Disclaimer: See first Chapter  
a/n: Friday Nights are now Kreacher update nights, it should give me something to work for rather than random posting. Anyway, please tell me what you think and I'll get back to you. My review replies have been really slacking so this year, I promise I will not forget. Candy~**

"I've considered everything from playing hard to get to Amortentia," Tonks confessed.

"No," snapped Sirius, rather suddenly.

To Tonks' dismay, she thought he was about to give her the 'Amortentia is a powerful substance not to be misused' lecture but no, that was better saved for Remus Lupin, who would surely have been appalled, especially considering that the victim was he.

"What?"

"Do _not_ play hard to get," Sirius warned her. "It works on normal men. Hell, it works on me. Listen, Remus is not your average guy, okay? He'll think you've finally come to your senses and moved on. Then you'll be back to square one. Amortentia though, good plan. It pains me to say this, but you're a real Black."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "So what do you suggest then?" Said eyes widened with fear as she caught sight of her cousin's smirk.

"You leave it with me."

* * *

Lupin slept in the foetal position, his face concealed by his long, elegant fingers and his knees tucked up to his chest. He looked like a small child; a small child or a frightened hedgehog.

Sirius closed the door as quietly as he could. The Marauder in him couldn't resist situations like this one, especially not when Lupin presented them to him on a plate.

"WAKE UP MOONSHINE; TIME TO RISE AND SCOWL!"

Lupin leapt to his feet, wand in hand. He blew the sandy strands of his fringe out of charcoal eyes, wide with fear.

Sirius raised his arms. "Sweet Merlin, Remus! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"_I_ nearly gave _you_ a heart attack! That's rich." He shook his head in disbelief and lowered his wand. "What time is it?"

Sirius glanced at his watch. "It is exactly thirty-five minutes since you went to bed."

"Then why am I up?"

Sirius laughed to himself. This was so typical of Lupin. Only life and death situations mattered more than comfort, sugar and eight hours sleep a night. "Oh no," said Sirius, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "I didn't wake you up, did I? Lock me up and throw away the key."

"I was thinking more along the lines of _tie_ you up and feed you to Kreacher."

"Kinky."

"Shut up." But he was smiling. "So, I assume there's a reason that you decided to burst into my room at ten minutes to midnight?"

Sirius nodded. "We need to talk."

"Oh God," Lupin muttered. He sighed softly and returned to the comfort of his bed, stretching his long legs out and trying to conceal a yawn. He patted the space beside him when he found his hand colliding with something harder than his mattress, something unrelenting. It didn't even creak. He tested it out in the darkness, wondering what the hell he was lying on.

"Remus, that's my thigh. Stop slapping it."

Lupin screamed and sat up with a jolt. "Why do you always do this? Get out of my bed."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "_Your_ bed? It's _my _house. Besides, you were gesturing for me to get in with you anyway."

"No I wasn't," Lupin protested. "I was gesturing for you to sit on the edge."

Sirius shrugged, pulling the covers up to his chin. "Oh well, too late now. Talking of sharing a bed-"

Lupin laughed. "You're not making this permanent. I don't care if my bed is warmer than yours, you're not sleeping here."

Sirius elbowed him. "I'm talking about our mutual friend."

Frowning in confusion, Lupin propped himself up on his elbow. "I'm not sharing a bed with any of your friends either, for that matter."

"You _know_ who I'm talking about."

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. This was not happening. He did not want to have this conversation, least of all with Sirius and least of all in the very bed that – never mind. Play dumb.

"Look, lovely as our mutual friend is," joked Lupin. "I don't want to take Kreacher to bed."

He was hit by his own pillow; his favourite one, soft, fluffy and the only one filled with eiderdown. It could have been worse; there was one on the bottom so hard that it could have been filled with rocks. Knowing the Blacks, it probably was.

He grabbed the pillow and rested his head against it, staring at the ceiling.

"Kiss her."

Lupin sat up once again. "I can't."

There was the truth of it. Despite his friend's deep sigh and staring out into the middle distance, Sirius, who was rarely uncomfortable no matter the subject, lay back, resting his head on his linked forearms.

"Why can't you?"

"I just can't."

"That's not a reason, Remus. That's an excuse. What are you so afraid of?"

Lupin's reply was quiet and lacked the sarcastic black humour that he had mastered so well. His eyes were dull and in the darkness of the room, Sirius could not even make them out.

"She might…she'll pull away. Everything will change."

"How can someone who spends as much time with their head in a book as you do, possibly be this stupid?"

Lupin laughed, for which Sirius was grateful. Although Remus had always been introverted and something of a workaholic, his quick wit and ability to laugh at the ridiculous had saved him from the intensity of his situation in the past. It would do so again.

"Look," said Sirius, using the same shrewd tone that was usually saved for bargaining. "I'll set up the sort of situation that could end with a kiss if you promise to act on it."

Lupin stared his friend out, somewhat dubious. "Oh yes? Like you did with the mistletoe, you mean?"

Sirius shrugged. "She kissed you, didn't she?"

Lupin cleared his throat softly and averted his eyes. That was confirmation enough.

"It was hardly subtle though, was it, Padfoot?"

Sirius grinned. "What are you talking about? Subtle is my middle name."

"Really? I thought it was Obnoxious."

"Shut it, Lupin."

The silence was comfortable and unable to keep his eyes open much longer, Lupin yawned and mumbled, "Okay, well goodnight."

"Night."

The bedsprings creaked and Lupin listened for the sound of the door. Five minutes later, he was still waiting. Opening his eyes, he made out the shape of his friend, lying beside him, face mashed into the pillow.

"Sirius, stop pretending to be asleep."

Silence.

"Pad, I can see you smirking into the pillow."

"So what?" grumbled Sirius, refusing to budge. "I'm not hurting anyone."

Lupin sighed. "But I like lots of space. I move around a lot in the night."

Sirius groaned into the pillow. "Moony, you're keeping me awake."

Lupin huffed in response. He would forcibly remove him if he had to. Perhaps it would be a good idea to indulge in a quick nap first. He would be able to move his arms after a nap.

Slowly, he opened one eye. Light streamed through the windows now that the curtains had been opened and he took a moment to adjust. Beside him, Sirius sat atop the covers, flicking through the paper and munching on burnt toast.

"Don't get crumbs in my sheets," Lupin warned, stretching his arms out and propping himself up with a pillow.

"I won't," Sirius assured him, brushing bits of blackened bread onto the carpet. "Merlin Remus, you weren't joking, were you?"

Lupin was now wide awake. What. Fresh. Hell?

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said, you weren't joking, were you?"

Lupin didn't like the familiar smile that slowly grew on his best friend's face. The Marauder smile. Whatever he had said, it was a source of great embarrassment. "Hmm, what about?"

"Moving around in bed. Christ Moons, you can bend like a pretzel. I'm sure I'm developing bruises from the amount of times I was kicked last night."

Lupin blushed slightly. He knew this would happen. "Well, I did warn you. You could have left."

Sirius laughed. "Yeah but I was warm by then."

Lupin smiled. "I'm going to get dressed. I hate letting people see me in my pyjamas."

"I wouldn't worry about it," Sirius assured him. "Your jim-jams have got a lot cooler since you moved out of your mother's. I was at school with you, remember? I've seen the blue penguin ones."

Lupin hid his face in his hands. "Mention them again and I will give you an eye as bruised as your name."

Sirius grinned. "Sirius? You'll give me a Sirius eye?"

Throwing off the covers, Lupin smiled back, sarcastically. "I'm going to kill you very slowly."

Sirius laughed. "I'd be careful if I were you, Remus. I said that to Peter and I had twelve years for it. Clearly, the Ministry are stamping down on threats." He shook the paper and coughed. Something was troubling him, although Merlin only knew what. "Have you seen this, Remus?"

Lupin rolled his eyes. "No. It's today's paper. As far as I'm aware I've been asleep."

"Yes, sleeping otherwise known as practising contortionism," quipped Sirius. "It's from a while back now. I found it this morning in the library. It's got a piece on the Champions. Did you read what it said about Harry?"

Lupin vaguely remembered reading Rita Skeeter at the foot of the page and turning swiftly over. "No. You know I don't read anything by Rita Skeet…Shit! What did she say about him?"

Sirius attempted an expression of nonchalance. "Nothing really, just made him out to be a complete idiot; the usual sort of stuff. Listen, I'm going to try and see him soon, maybe spend some time as Snuffles in Hogsmeade."

Lupin frowned. "Alright then, but you're taking Buckbeak."

"Yes Remus, because a dog riding a hippogriff will certainly be inconspicuous."

"I don't care. You might need to leave quickly and the only way you can do that, is to have an easy method of transportation always at hand."

Sirius slapped his friend round the back of the head with the rolled up newspaper. "Never heard of a little thing called Apparation, Remus?"

Lupin smiled grimly. "You might need protection. Just take him."

"Alright, yes mother, I will. Anyway, I can't go yet. Harry still won't let me. Besides, I haven't set you up with my baby cousin yet, have I?"

Lupin sighed. He would never hear the end of this. "Stop calling her 'baby'. I feel enough of a pervert as it is and frankly, Harry is far more important than any of my romantic endeavours. You could just go; I can figure this out myself."

Sirius guffawed. "Remus, you can barely seduce _yourself_. I dread to think what would happen if I let you loose on an actual female. Aside from that, I have a genius plan and it would be a shame to miss out on it."

If Lupin hadn't been nervous before, he certainly was now.


	10. Strip Exploding Snap and a Dead Horse

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

"Strip Exploding Snap!"

Lupin looked up from his book and raised his eyebrows. "Sorry?"

"We'll play Strip Exploding Snap," Sirius explained. "And we'll keep forcing shots on her and then you can kiss her."

Lupin was lost for words.

"Good, isn't it?"

"That's the master plan then, is it?" Lupin asked, his eyebrows now hidden by his fringe. "Date Rape?"

Sirius sighed and flung himself into an armchair. "Remus, when you put it like that, it sounds so sordid. Come on, we decided your New Year's Resolution was going to be to get some."

Lupin returned to his book and made a show of turning the page, alerting Sirius to the fact that he was attempting to ignore him. "No, _you_ decided."

"I've been coming up with brilliant schemes all day and all I get from you is 'No, I don't like it', 'No, it's ridiculous'…"

Lupin adopted the same smarmy tone, imitating Sirius perfectly (which he knew irritated him to distraction), "No, it's illegal."

Sirius sighed, exasperated. "If you're going to keep putting a dampener on things, I'll give up."

"Oh good," said Lupin, returning his attention to his book and taking a sip of tea.

"Remus, when was the last time you had sex with someone other than yourself?"

Lupin frowned and made no reply. He hummed softly to himself and winced as he was forced by Sirius' presence, to swallow the now cold tea.

"I thought so," muttered Sirius, smiling smugly. "Come on, say something. You might as well tell me. Was it Nancy? Was she the last girl you slept with?"

Lupin, loathe to admit to anything, slammed the book shut and announced his departure.

"Okay, be that way but she's coming in three hours and I will stoop lower than you can imagine."

From the landing, Lupin called down, "I highly doubt that!"

Sirius smirked. Tonight was going to be the most fun he'd had in years.

* * *

Tonks, this time with violet pixie-like hair and her usual 'Lupin-black' eyes, smiled conspiratorially at her cousin, hoping that he had been vaguely sensible in his approach to this evening.

"Moony!"

No answer.

Sirius' strained smile said it all. He did not need to add, "I pissed him off earlier." But he did.

Tonks sighed and stepped forward, standing at the foot of the stairs, peering up to a black ceiling, several storeys above her.

"Remus?"

Two flights of stairs above her, the majority of his upper body leant over the banister and he smiled, ruffling his hair a little.

"I'll be down now."

As soon as the three were assembled in the passageway, Sirius turned to Tonks. "Right, I've had enough of this. Do you fancy my best friend?"

Her eyes returned to their usual bright silver. Her cheeks adopted a vivid scarlet hue. Tonks bit her lip. If she had known that Sirius was going to be so brazen, she would never have given her permission for him to project-manage this.

On the other hand, wasn't this the best way, to have it out in the open?

"Well," she said, avoiding both sets of eyes and trying to morph away her blush. "He is pretty fanciable."

It was Lupin's turn to be abashed, staring at the floor and dreading Sirius' next question, no doubt aimed at him.

"And do you want to snog my baby cousin?"

Right. Well, on the one hand, yes he did. On the other, he was never going to admit it in a million years. Lupin coughed slightly and rubbed the back of his neck. She had admitted it. Wasn't this the best way, to have it out in the open?

"Well," he said, smiling at Tonks. "She is pretty kissable."

Sirius smiled smugly. "Good. Then hurry it up." Hurriedly, he made his exit, presumably to avoid Lupin, whose temper, on the rare occasions that he lost it, was the stuff of legend.

Hearing a door close above them, Tonks, mortified, attempted a tension-breaking smile.

"I'm going to skin him alive," muttered Lupin, unable to take his eyes off the floor.

"What, after you kiss me or before?" Tonks joked, her laughter nervous and unconvincing.

"Definitely before," Lupin replied, smiling at the carpet. "I was going to keep that for my prize if I managed to do it."

Her heart fluttered. His prize? Oh God, was he going to have a shock, or what? Tonks swallowed and bit her lip. Laughing nervously, she assured him that her kisses were the furthest from prizes that a man could physically get.

Finally, Lupin looked her in the eyes. "You kiss like a what?"

"A dead horse," she repeated, her voice cracking slightly. She plastered on a grin and somehow managed to make it look almost genuine.

Lupin blinked and raised his eyebrows. "Well, personally, I haven't had much sexual experience with a horse, deceased or otherwise, and it does rather make me question your previous relationships."

How could he make her laugh even when she was so low?

"Much?" she asked. "So you've had some experience with deceased horses?"

Lupin smiled. "Plural, Nymphadora?" Noting her change of mood, he supposed now was the best time to ask. "Who told you that anyway?"

Admitting this clearly took some effort. Tonks inhaled deeply and stared at the door just behind Lupin. "My ex-boyfriend," she said at last. "Well, no. He didn't tell me, he told his entire office and they told me." She shrugged. "What do you do after that?"

"You dump the bastard."

Tonks laughed. "It was a bit late for that. He'd packed me the week before."

Lupin nodded; his eyes dark and their expression pensive as he digested this information. "Well," he said finally. "Yet more proof that he's an idiot." They fell into silence as he wondered if this woman hid her emotions as well as she did her appearance. "Bet you don't."

Tonks lifted her head. "Bet I don't what?"

"Kiss like a dead horse."

Tonks laughed bitterly. "You would say that though, wouldn't you? You've never been unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of one."

He moved so quickly that before Tonks had fully registered what was happening, he was appraising her.

"Well, I wouldn't say that reminded me of a dead horse," he said, frowning slightly. "Your lips were warm for starters, so unless it was a recently deceased horse then…"

Tonks' laugh was breathy and she barely managed to speak. "I think we'd better try that again," she murmured.

Despite his smile, she noticed Lupin's eyes widen as he pressed his lips together. Nervous wasn't the word. He looked terrified.

There appeared to be no happy medium.

His movements the second time, were timidly slow. He had already closed his eyes and Tonks took a shaky breath, tilting her head.

"Ow!"

Lupin winced and pulled away.

"Shit! Sorry," she stammered. "My fault! You went right; I shouldn't have gone left." Tonks cringed and shook her head, closing her eyes and trying to forget her embarrassment.

Lupin chuckled softly. "Third time lucky?" He leant in closer to her, inhaling her scent. "And remember, go right."

Tonks wanted to cover her face with her hands and quickly remembered that now was the exact wrong moment to do so. She contented herself with smiling and obediently closing her eyes, tilting her head left and suddenly remembering, producing another soft chuckle from Lupin.

Lupin's kisses, like his lips, were exquisitely soft. Tonks pressed her mouth harder against his but he continued to pull away slightly and administer yet more decidedly pleasant torture. She whimpered slightly as he captured her cupid's bow between his lips and was horrified to find that he quickly pulled away.

He had not, however, taken a step back. They were almost nose to nose as he told her to lick her lips.

"What?"

"Lick your lips. Kissing dry lips is…well, it's not bad per se, but it's certainly less pleasant."

Tonks did as she was told.

"Now close your eyes."

She bit her lips together so that he wouldn't see her triumphant smile as he slipped his arms around her waist

* * *

Grimmauld Place had always been bitterly cold and yet, wrapped up in both Lupin and his cardigan in front of a roaring fire, it was heaven; absolute heaven.

"I don't know whether you noticed," said Lupin, staring into the fire and watching it spit glowing embers. "But all I did was tell you what I liked, so technically, you kiss like that on your own."

Tonks made herself comfortable beside him. "Like that?"

"Well," said Lupin, smiling down at her. "For a dead horse, that was pretty good."

They fell into silence whilst Tonks debated what she considered to be a major issue. Eventually, she broke the silence.

"Remus?"

It was the hint of concern in her voice that startled Lupin. "Yes?"

"Am I still single?"


	11. A Monster's Eyes and Godawful Curtains

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

"Am I still single?"

This took a moment to sink in. Lupin licked his lips and raised his eyebrows. "Well, I suppose that would depend on whom you were asking. If you asked Sirius, he would tell you most definitely not. If you asked Kreacher, he would tell you that you most definitely should be and-"

Tonks wrapped the patched grey cardigan further around her; partially for warmth and although she hated to admit it, partially for comfort. She could smell him on it and it was something of a comfort to know that they were close enough for her to warm herself in his clothes.

"And if I asked you?"

Lupin cleared his throat. "Well, if you asked me…, I mean…" Clearly the words were not coming naturally. His eyes scanned the room, searching for a means of escape. "Um…well, I would ask you whether you thought you were."

Tonks shrugged. So it was obviously up to her to take the initiative. "Right," she said, matter-of-factly. "Well, I've asked myself and I've come to conclusion that I'm not. Would you agree?"

His slow smile was the answer she needed. In fact, he appeared to be thoroughly pleased with himself.

"I can certainly understand the thought process."

Well what the bloody hell did that mean? Deciding that she would never know if she didn't ask, Tonks did so.

"I'd say you weren't."

Tonks bit her lip in an attempt to stop the smile spreading. "Really?"

He refused to look at her but Lupin verified it. "I think I'd be pissed off if I saw you with someone else which means more than it did this morning, when I would have just been insanely jealous."

This was victory dance time. Tonks grinned at him, unable to refrain from doing so. "I suppose that this means I can legitimately ask you about girls."

Lupin sighed. "What do you want to know about them?"

"How many?"

It wasn't that the age difference especially bothered her, but Tonks had been worried for several nights that the object of her affections had had far more practise at this sort of thing than she.

"How many girls?"

Tonks nodded. This couldn't be good. He was stalling for time. Still, she could not imagine a world in which Remus Lupin was a womaniser. That was a comforting thought.

Lupin was almost abashed. His voice had changed, increasing in pitch and reverting to an accent she had heard Sirius imitate to falsely rapturous applause. For one terrifying moment, Tonks thought he was going to put his hand up to ask a question.

"By that, do you mean how many girls have I dated or kissed or…"

"Or?"

Her amusement was obvious. Tonks' lips curled in the same manner as Sirius' would do and her silver eyes twinkled with mirth.

"Or…had sex with?"

"Oh I think that that last one would be the most interesting, don't you?"

Lupin coughed. "I want you to know that I made a few mistakes. I call them the Wilderness Years, the years between Lily and James'…well, deaths and a few years prior to the nineties."

Tonks nodded, wondering just what he meant by that.

"I didn't really know who I was. I felt like I'd lost myself a little and in trying to find myself, I found a few others along the way."

"Oh dear."

Lupin finally managed a smile. "I wouldn't worry. I mean, the number of girls I've taken to bed throughout my life is still a lot less than Sirius did in his schooldays so it's not too many but I think that if I was a woman, there would be a few terms that could be pinned on me."

"How many?"

"Seven."

Seven. Well, seven wasn't too bad. After all, he'd been doing this for eighteen years.

"But it's not that many…"

He trailed off. Lupin obviously thought that it was.

"Three," she blurted out. "That's one for every year I've been doing it. Yours were about one every three years so that makes you less of a tart than me."

Lupin laughed. "Three of those seven were in the summer of 1978."

Tonks' mouth formed a perfect 'O'. "Right," she said quickly. "Sorry. Not that I mean that that makes you a tart, or the male equivalent of one…"

"I didn't think you did mean that. So now you've asked your question, can I ask mine?"

Tonks grinned. He was taking this very well. "Technically, you already have."

"True or false," he said, leaning in closer to her. "All's fair in love and war?"

Tonks took a moment to think this through. She pressed her lips together and frowned slightly, breathing in deeply through her nose and flaring her nostrils. This was tricky for her.

"I'd say it was true."

There was an odd glint in Lupin's eyes as he nodded his acknowledgement of this.

"Can I ask you some more?"

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "As long as you don't ask what my question meant because I don't think I even know the answer to that one myself."

Tonks smiled at him. "Why do you like chocolate so much?"

"I'm no more a fan of chocolate than I am of anything else, if I'm honest. I suppose it stems from my mother giving it to me when I'd come back from…a transformation," he admitted. "I associate it with the morning after; the longest time before another full moon."

Tonks wondered whether he had admitted that before but decided not to dwell on it. "Okay, your turn."

"My turn?"

"To ask me something," Tonks replied brightly. "Anything that you want to know, ask me."

"Why purple?"

Tonks shrugged. "I like it. It's my favourite colour. If it doesn't suit me then I make it suit me. Why do you hate your eyes?" she asked without missing a beat.

Lupin was shocked by this. "I…well, I mean…"

Tonks smiled encouragingly. "They're gorgeous. How can you hate them so much?"

"They were what betrayed me," Lupin answered. "They're too dark. They weren't the eyes of any of the other children and they cottoned on to that pretty quickly. They said I was a monster. I was, so let the record state that children are incredibly perceptive."

Lupin laughed bitterly and shifted slightly so that he sat further from her. He was shocked to find that as he moved, so did she. Tonks was staring at him, slightly incredulous and just slightly angered.

"Well," she said. "When I look at your eyes, I don't see a monster. Monster is the furthest thing from my mind."

Grudgingly, Lupin accepted the compliment and allowed the matter to drop. He was sorry to say that he could not agree. His eyes would have frightened him too had they belonged to another. Yet, when she mimicked them and they twinkled with her laughter, he had to admit that they were breathtaking.

It was hours later, after questions had been thrown to and fro and seemingly, they knew all about each other without knowing a single thing. For instance, Tonks knew very little of Lupin's past but she did know that his favourite tea was Earl Grey, that he took six sugars and that his Intelligence Quota, which she had foolishly estimated as about three hundred and five, was in fact only one hundred and fifty-eight.

Standing in the hallway, the atmosphere was almost awkward.

"So…"

Tonks immediately regretted opening her mouth as Lupin met her eyes. She could no longer speak at all and began to wonder whether he would kiss her goodnight or whether she ought to just leave now.

"So…what?"

Tonks shook her head. "I just wondered if you were going to um…listen to Celestina Warbeck's new single because you know, if you were then…then…"

"If I promise you I won't," said Lupin, a vaguely amused glint in his eyes. "Can I kiss you goodnight?"

Tonks swallowed hard and managed a quick nod.

"Filthy spawn of blood traitor scum!"

Lupin backed away with the speed of a whippet. "Yes, well…goodnight."

Inwardly, Tonks screamed. Outwardly, she smiled pleasantly and Disapparated.

Unfortunately for Mrs. Black, that left her defenceless portrait alone with a seriously peeved werewolf. She screamed as he stepped slowly towards her.

"You know Mrs. B, I think I've found a use for those God-awful curtains."


	12. Pheonix Jumpers and Bear Hugs

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

**A/N: Well it's been two weeks so I'm sorry. I know it's not Friday and this Friday Chapter 13 will be up as normal. Thanks for everyone who's stuck with my update issues :)**

And so the months passed, far too quickly for Sirius' liking.

It seemed like yesterday that they had been parading his House Elf (a.k.a. his midget with a vendetta) around the living room wearing a tutu and a scowl, referring to him as the Christmas fairy.

It seemed like yesterday that he had forced Remus to pull his socks up vis-à-vis his lovely baby cousin.

It seemed like yesterday that Remus had turned thirty-five and his friends had insisted on a party, much to his horror. At least he liked his present. Sirius was proud to note that his housemate was rarely seen out of his God Save the Queen t-shirt. In fact, he had the sneaking suspicion that the only person who'd seen him out of it was Tonks. Although, it never seemed the right time to ask.

It seemed like yesterday that they had celebrated Harry's reaching the final task of the tournament with all his limbs intact. He smiled, remembering Remus attempting to teach his girlfriend how to jive.

And then he remembered. That _was_ yesterday.

It seemed so surreal. Yesterday night he had been able to laugh and dance with an only moderately intoxicated Lupin and Tonks. Yesterday night, Voldemort was the furthest thing from his thoughts.

'Lie low at Lupin's' that was what he had been told. Well, Lupin was with him anyway. Surely it didn't matter where they were as long as they were together for whatever reasons Albus Dumbledore chose to keep to himself. Just how Dumbledore intended to contact him there when Sleepy Cottage no longer existed was beyond him.

'The old crowd' could not be assembled without Lupin and at the end of the day, it was Lupin he needed most. With this thought in mind, Snuffles ambled home, counting the ways in which he was to blame.

Slamming the door behind him and immediately transforming, he ran up two flights of stairs, past the library and straight into Lupin's room, not bothering to knock. He decided he had a reasonable excuse for waking him.

What he found there made his lungs forget to function. He stared down at them, a fond and somewhat triumphant smile on his face.

Lupin's arm was curled around Tonks' waist, his face hidden in her shoulder, burying itself into her long, mousy brown hair. They seemed to fit together so well; the absolute picture of flawed perfection. It was this image that he would bring to mind next time he doubted the existence of a soul mate.

He couldn't bring himself to wake them. He turned and made towards the door.

"Sirius?"

Refusing to look round to spare his sanity if they were naked, Sirius answered the wall. "Yeah. Look, I was just checking if you were back. I didn't want to wake you if you were so…" He trailed off and now addressed the curtains. "I'm not into the whole voyeurism scene. I haven't been in here for hours or anything."

Lupin laughed under his breath and nudged Sirius out of the door, risking a glance back at Tonks who was still unaware he had left her.

With extreme precision, he closed the door so that it didn't even squeak on its hinges, the reason he had woken when Sirius barged in.

"How did it go?" he asked as soon as they were in the corridor.

One look into Sirius' eyes and he knew the answer.

"What? What's happened to him?"

Sirius shook his head slowly and refused to meet Lupin's eyes. "He's back," he croaked. "He's back and I couldn't help him. I sent him off like a lamb to the slaughter. I should have prepared him."

Lupin clutched his shoulders. "Stop it!"

He took a deep breath and pleased to note that Sirius had stopped shaking, led him into the library and pushed him into a chair. With a flick of his wand, the fire roared beside them.

"Now tell me everything."

As soon as the story had been told to the best of his ability, Sirius looked up and attempted to judge Lupin's reaction through his legendary poker face.

"So I suppose I should get in contact with the motley crew?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, you should probably tell Albus that you're here with me too. He seemed to be under the impression that you were living in Devon."

Lupin nodded stiffly. After a moment of awkward silence, he said, "Well, I can think of two bits of good news here."

"Which are? I need all the good news I can get."

"One; I haven't slept with your cousin so you have no need to throw me out of the window for taking advantage. Two; we can wear our phoenix jumpers again."

Sirius managed a weak smile. "Remus, you really are the only person who can make a plus point of a jumper in the face of extreme adversity."

Lupin shrugged. "Well, what can I say? Go to bed, you have serious bags under your eyes. We'll talk about this in the morning. By the way, keep an eye on Dora for me, will you? Just tell her I've gone for a walk if she wakes up."

Sirius stiffened, knowing the answer. "Where are you going?"

Lupin smiled grimly. "I've got a score to settle."

"Are you completely off your head? Don't you know whose entourage he's a part of these days?"

"Is this the face of someone who actually gives a flying fuck?"

Sirius clutched his arm and clung on steadfastly. Alarmed by the decidedly calm exterior but aware of the boiling blood in Lupin's veins, he was not about to let him out of his sight until the idea of murdering Peter Pettigrew had completely left his head.

"Remus, I'm not letting you out of this house. If you Apparate out of here, let's face it, I'm coming with you and it would be a shame to get us both killed, wouldn't it? The thought crossed my mind too and believe me, if I had thought it would help, I'd have done it by now."

Lupin relaxed and pulled away. "Yeah, alright."

"Good. I didn't want to tranquilise you."

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "Tranquilise me?"

Sirius nodded. "They fell off the back of a lorry and I thought I'd keep them for Kreacher."

"I'm not going to ask."

"No, that's probably for the best. Nightcap?"

Lupin finally managed a smile. "I'll make some hot chocolate." Catching sight of Sirius' expression, he added, "I'll Irish it up a bit."

"Good man."

* * *

"Right," said Lupin, tapping his quill against a small notebook. "That's Mundungus Fletcher-"

"Watch the spoons, won't you?" laughed Sirius, watching several slices of toast butter themselves and head for the table.

Lupin smirked, taking a piece and scribbling further. "And there's me and you. Dumbledore will obviously be wanting to head it again. From what you said last night, I think we can count on Severus."

Sirius made a noise that expressed deep disgust. "Must we?"

"If we can't all club together now then-"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright. Who else have we got then?"

"I spoke to Albus early this morning and apparently, Mad-Eye is pretty keen on helping, as is Molly Weasley. Can you imagine if we get the whole clan? We'll be sorted."

The sound of Tonks plodding down the stairs silenced Lupin who returned her sleepy smile.

"Mad-Eye's keen on helping who?"

Lupin shook his head and snapped his notebook shut. "It's nothing."

Tonks frowned and Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Hypocrite," he muttered. "If we can't all club together now then…"

Lupin glared at him and ordinarily, this would have sent Sirius running for the hills. Not today though, not after he had lectured him on his own hypocrisy.

"You might want to take a seat," Sirius warned her. "Help yourself to breakfast."

Lupin continued to shoot murderous glares at him through the bottom of his glass. Downing the contents and slamming it on the table, he stood and headed towards the stairs.

"Dora, why don't you go back up? I'll explain in a minute."

Tonks, knowing when it was best not to press a subject, wordlessly departed, leaving her untouched toast and throwing Lupin a glare that told him he had better keep his word.

As soon as the door had shut behind her, Lupin swung round.

"Have you any idea how dangerous this is?"

Sirius frowned. "She's an Auror for Christ's sake. She does this sort of thing for a living!"

"The Ministry of Misery aren't exactly looking favourably on this whole affair though, are they? What if she looses her job?"

Sirius scoffed. "Mad-Eye wouldn't volunteer then, would he?"

"It's a risk he's obviously willing to take."

"She's old enough to make her own decisions. Stop mothering her."

Lupin recoiled and hissed, firing his parting shot.

"I'm not mothering her; I'm fucking her!"

Slamming the basement door in Sirius' face, he stormed up to the first floor, closely pursued by Sirius.

"That's not what you said last night!"

"Well I lied!"

Sirius, unsure whether to believe this or not, hovered on the stairs. He was obviously debating the pros and cons of skinning Lupin alive by this point.

He opted for, "You're so bloody petty!"

"Yeah? Well, I learned from the master, didn't I?"

Sirius shook his head and retreated. There was no point arguing with Lupin while he was in this mood. His temper was always pushed to its limits when he was stressed and in fairness, he had a good reason for it.

He shouldn't have spoken about Nymphadora like that, though; even if they were shagging each other. Sirius was comforted by his friend's concern for her safety. At least he cared enough about her to want the best for her.

It wasn't until the early evening that they met again. Once again, in the kitchen although this time, Tonks had obviously seen fit to referee.

She wore a triumphant smile and entered with the exclamation, "Sirius, you can count me in."

Lupin followed after her, averting his eyes and trying his hardest not to frown.

"He's also done nothing to me either and he won't ever if he refers to it like that again."

"I don't know how many times I've apologised for that. It just seemed like a good comeback. You know what I'm like. I would never-"

"I know, or your penis would be in a jar by now."

Sirius snorted and earned himself another glare from Lupin.

"Now, Remus has something to say to you, don't you, Remus?"

Remus flashed his eyebrows in response.

"And I believe you have something to say to Remus."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

The silence went on for so long that Tonks began to doubt her hearing.

"For goodness sake, kiss and make up."

Lupin smirked. "I'm not kissing him. I have to draw the line somewhere."

Sirius laughed and took Lupin's offered hand, pulling him into a renowned bear hug. "Aww, honey, let's never fight again."

"Right, that's it! Let go of me now!"


	13. The Advance Guard and a Corset

**Disclaimer: See first Chapter**

"So that's Kingsley, Dung, Emmeline, Hestia, Podmore, Doge, Diggle, Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks and…" Lupin trailed off, his eyes widening. Why couldn't he remember the last man? He tapped the parchment with the tip of his quill and turned to Sirius. "Right, let's go over this again."

Sirius sighed. "It's you, Remus."

Lupin rolled his eyes and sighed, taking the parchment back and scribbling his own name at the bottom of the list. "Of course! Thanks, Pads." He rolled up the list he had insisted on making for the umpteenth time just so he knew who he was expecting, and got to his feet.

"Why can't I come?"

"You know why, Sirius."

Sirius blocked the door out of the library. "Come on, Moon. You can appoint me as the eleventh man. You're leading it, aren't you?"

Lupin nodded. "Only because Albus seems to think I'm the best man for the job. Personally, I voted Moody."

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, you'd have to set off three days early so you could be briefed on safety."

He was given a meaningful glare and a warning for that remark.

"Remus, I'm his godfather. I should be there to protect him."

"Who do you think he needs protecting from?"

Forced to move out of Lupin's way, Sirius followed him along the hall and up to his new bedroom. He had been shifted to the Attic so that Number 12 could house the entire Weasley clan and Hermione Granger as well as Tonks on a regular basis.

"You for starters," Sirius answered.

"Are you questioning my leadership skills?"

Lupin attempted to shut the door on him. No such luck. Sirius slipped in behind him and perched on the windowsill, refusing to budge.

"Remus, you don't even _have_ leadership skills."

"Off the windowsill."

Sirius complied but continued to protest. "He's going to need reassurance. Harry doesn't know any of these people and suddenly they're all going to show up at his Aunt and Uncle's? He'll need me there as a familiar face. Besides, I'd die for him, you know that."

Lupin nodded. "He'll know me."

"He hasn't seen you in over a year!"

"Sirius, he's hardly going to have forgotten what I look like."

Sirius harrumphed. "What would James say?"

Lupin added his list to a small pile of documents, tied together and locked in the top drawer of the desk he had insisted on saving from the pyre. "He'd agree that it was far too dangerous for you to be going out when there's a price on your head."

"No he wouldn't. He'd say 'Remus, stop being such a fuddy-duddy."

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "Not funny. Look, we're leaving tonight and I have a formation to keep to. Adding you in at the last moment will mess it up. Sirius, they're not my rules but nevertheless, I would like you to stick to them. It's for your own good. Trust me. If you're bored, you can get on with the cleaning."

Wordlessly, Sirius left, leaving Lupin wondering whether he ought to follow him.

* * *

"Am I late?"

Lupin nodded. "You're not the last. Everyone's in the front room. Go on in."

Tonks did as she was told, dragging her broomstick along with her. She was closely followed by Lupin who evidently had no intention of waiting in the hallway for Mundungus Fletcher who would unquestionably arrive later than late.

Sirius stood to greet her and kissed her cheeks, asking her how she was and generally fussing over her to make it absolutely clear that he was pointedly ignoring Lupin who did not appear fazed by this at all.

"I'm on the Lupin diet," he told her. "I have actually eaten a midday snack today. I had yogurt, granola and berries. I am so ashamed of myself but it was de-bloody-lightful."

Tonks furrowed her brow. "Have you two been arguing?"

Both answered at the same time.

"No!"

"Yes."

Fortunately for them, Mundungus Fletcher chose the most awkward time to arrive.

"Am I late?"

"Yes," snapped Moody. "Now, Lupin's going to talk us through the plan."

Lupin appeared to be rather flustered by the idea. "Not much to say really," he explained. "We're flying to Surrey, that's a southerly direction and I've told you where you'll be flying so there should be no confusion. Any questions?" He clocked the raised hands of both Moody and Tonks. "No? Good."

Moody coughed. "Is there a reserve guard?"

Lupin stared at him. "Why would we need more of us? There are already far too many to be inconspicuous."

"Should we die, Lupin-"

"You'll forgive Mad-Eye, Remus," laughed Tonks. "He never takes a mission seriously."

"And in event of a flood-"

"Alastor, I hate to interrupt you but we should have been in Surrey ten minutes ago. Incidentally, you can all thank Dung if anything goes wrong vis-à-vis timing. To address the concerns of our Head of Aurors, we're miles in the air. I'm not even worrying about a _Tsunami_."

Sirius escorted the Advance Guard to the back garden and stood before Lupin, a smirk dancing across his face. "Well, everyone, you're under the direction of Remus Lupin so there has never been a better time to have a panic attack."

This earned him a few titters and he smiled.

"Sirius, I am so glad I'm wearing a corset, you could have cracked my ribs."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You're wearing a corset, Remus?"

Lupin kicked off hard and sped into the air, shouting back, "It's a figure of speech, arsehole!" At least he was laughing.

On the ground, Sirius grinned back despite knowing that none of them would see except perhaps Mad-Eye who he got the feeling could see his innards if he so wanted. He contemplated waving but thought better of it for the same reason. He would only end up looking like an imbecile.

He sighed and trudged back into the kitchen. At least with Harry around, things would brighten up a bit. Life would certainly be more exciting.


	14. Silencing and Charm

**Disclaimer: See First Chapter**

"Let me through! I knew him before he had that gash on his face!"

Beside Harry, Lupin smiled to himself and muttered, "There you are, Harry. You have finally experienced a true Black display of affection; ridiculously ill-timed and embarrassingly inappropriate."

Harry grinned and Sirius chose to ignore this remark. He wasn't entirely sure what the right 'last night of the holidays, see you in four months' gesture was. He settled for laying his hands on Harry's shoulders and smiling down at him.

"Have a good term, yeah?"

Lupin, who had somewhat taken on the role of nurturer, raised his eyebrows. "And stay out of trouble."

Harry nodded. "I'll try." He stifled a yawn and frowned in what appeared to be pain.

"Perhaps you'd better go to bed," suggested Lupin. "You've got to be up early in the morning anyway. Write a list. Make sure you haven't left anything."

Harry nodded and traipsed to his shared room. All three of them knew he had absolutely no intention of sleeping or packing. He was off to beat himself up over Mrs. Weasley's Boggart.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Remus, you're the mother he never had."

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "Which makes you what? The rabid family dog he never had the pleasure of being bitten by?"

Sirius elbowed him. "Speaking of which, I thought I might see him off tomorrow."

"Oh yes, good plan. Stroll into King's Cross, maybe get a cup of tea at the machine…"

Sirius smiled sarcastically. "You know I can't work those things. Maybe I should ask your mum for lessons. Besides, your sarcasm is wasted on me."

Lupin evidently didn't think so. "Sirius, it's been fourteen years. My mother no longer looks like Gina Lollobrigida. You're going to need a new comeback."

Sirius grinned. "I bet she's still gorgeous. Even if she's not, I bet she still makes great sausage rolls." He winked. "Fancy a nightcap?"

Lupin politely declined on the basis that he was incredibly busy.

"Meaning you're about to head up to your attic lair and make love to my cousin who I should be protecting from your womanising ways."

Lupin scoffed. "Womanising ways? What planet are you on?"

"I notice you're not denying it."

"No, because I don't have to justify myself to you."

Sirius laughed. "You do while your fornicating in my house, mate."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "I am not fornicating anywhere."

"No, not right this minute, but you will be." Sirius smirked. "Go on, go and enjoy yourself. Forget me; I'll be downstairs missing everyone. Go on, quick before I change my mind."

Lupin sighed. "I'll Irish up some coffee."

"Yes, Moony. That's just what we need, coffee before bed. We'll be up all bloody night."

He couldn't resist the opportunity. Lupin grinned and winked.

* * *

It was already far too quiet without the horde of teenagers rampaging through the house, screaming at each other and in the case of the twins, blowing things up. Kreacher kept sniffing things as if at any moment the sea of raging hormones would flock toward his nostrils. He was convinced that it had merely ebbed.

"My poor, poor Mistress…"

"Oh Kreacher, do be quiet," snapped Sirius. "This is God awful enough without you harping on about blood."

"Who's harping on about blood?"

Sirius glanced up and immediately wished he hadn't. The house was practically empty these days. Snape's sudden visits on the insistence of Dumbledore, Molly's occasional cleaning sessions and Tonks' sleepovers were the only reasons people ever came to visit. Not that that was a bad thing, after all no news was good news.

"It's nothing," Sirius assured the toast, unable to meet Tonks' eyes. He cleared his throat. "Kreacher's just…well, being Kreacher."

Tonks nodded sympathetically. "Mind if I grab some toast? I'm starving."

Sirius stopped himself from adding, 'I bet you are' just in time. "Go ahead." He stood. "Well, I must be getting off…I mean, getting up…" He rubbed his temples. "I'll leave you to it. Have a nice day."

Tonks scoffed. "Yeah right. You have no idea how much paperwork is waiting for me."

Judging by Sirius' start and subsequent slamming of the door, Tonks assumed she was about to be joined by Remus who was almost as confused as she was.

"What have you said to him?"

Tonks looked affronted. "I didn't say bugger all to him. He barely even spoke to me. Look, I have to go or I'll be late but I'll see you tonight, okay?" She leant up to kiss his cheek and took a bite out of her toast before turning on the spot and Disapparating.

Lupin was still getting used to her odd little quirks. How could she eat and Apparate? He would be violently sick if he ever dared to try it, he was sure of it. Her working in such a dangerous profession while he tidied up after Sirius and waited for orders from Dumbledore was also making him feel inadequate and frankly, a pansy among pansies.

"Has she gone?"

Lupin jumped. "Yeah, what the hell's going on?"

There was a pregnant pause in which it was obvious that Sirius was struggling to find the words.

"I'll be in the drawing room. Meet you there." The door closed and opened once more. "Bring Whiskey. We'll need it."

"Whiskey?" Lupin repeated. "Sirius, it's half past seven in the morning!"

"REMUS!"

"Alright, alright," snapped Lupin. "I'm coming."

The door was flung open. "What? _Again_? Forget it, I'll come down."

Lupin had cottoned on and downed a goblet of Firewhiskey. Alright, so he felt sick but he was fairly sure that had nothing to do with the alcohol. "Oh fuck," he murmured.

"Don't ever say those words again," Sirius warned him. "I don't think I'll be able to hear them in the normal tone of voice from you for as long as I live."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Yes, I know how you feel. I spent most of last night thinking the same thing. Two words, Remus: 'Silencing' and 'Charm'."

Lupin nodded, stared at the table and muttered, "Technically, that's three."

"On the plus side, Moons, it finally happened."

"And it was a mistake."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Look, what's a dip into the realms of voyeurism between friends? Stop beating yourself up about it. It's the closest I'll probably ever get to sex again so I might as well enjoy it."

Lupin seemed alarmed by this sudden outburst. He shook his head and reached for more whiskey. "You know, yesterday night it just seemed like the right thing to do and now that I've actually thought about it, I want to break my own nose."

"Christ, Remus. She's not that bad looking."

Lupin glared at him. "You know what I'm talking about."

"Listen, it's not as if you've proposed to her. It's just sex, Remus. It happens all the time."

Lupin scoffed. "For you, maybe."

"Remus, you're talking to the man who has had to resort to being taken for a walk so he can hump legs. Sex is something other people have."

"Sirius, you really do make me sick."

Sirius shrugged. "It means nothing, Moon. I've started to take it as a term of endearment. My mother, bless her, used to practically fly down the stairs screaming 'Sirius Black, you make me physically sick'. I'm used to it."

Lupin forced a smile. He was going to have to do something about this. He couldn't take her to bed and suddenly tell her that he thought their relationship was a bad idea. There was nothing for it; she was going to have to break up with him.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"I need you to turn me into a total bastard."


	15. A makeover and a series of letters

**Disclaimer: See first chapter**

**A/N:** **You** **know, I got so caught up in exams and Gospel I forgot to post this two weeks ago.**

Sirius gawped at him and shook his head slowly. "You want me to what?"

"I want you to turn me into a total bastard."

Sirius nodded. "Yes, I thought that was what you said and then I thought perhaps you'd been sniffing glue again."

They were silent while Lupin digested this.

"What do you mean _again_?"

Sirius shrugged. "That was the only reasonable explanation for the night you told me you were going out to kill Pettigrew. You had a face like a collapsed lung so I assumed you'd been at something."

"Sirius, shut up."

"Okay."

More silence as Lupin seethed. He was especially prickly these days and Sirius leaned back in his chair as though subconsciously preparing himself for the sudden release of pent up frustration.

"So how do you propose I do that then?"

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "Do what?"

"Turn you into a bastard."

"Oh, that," muttered Lupin, taking a slice of toast. "I don't know. You're the expert."

Sirius tried not to grin. This was easily the most exciting thing that had happened to him in years. Alright, so it was his cousin's heart he was messing with but she was a fighter and besides, it wouldn't work so what was the harm?

"Right, well, Remus, you're on the right track with whiskey for breakfast. All you need is better hair and lots of leather. If we could get our hands on some sunglasses, that would be a real help."

Lupin's eyes widened until Sirius was sure that they took up the majority of his forehead. He shook his head.

"I know where you're going with this and there is absolutely no way in hell I am playing along."

Sirius smiled in a manner that slightly disturbed Lupin. "Oh come on, it'll be fun."

"I think you and I need to have a long discussion about our ideas of fun, okay?"

"No, Moony. Your idea of a long discussion is a lecture and I'm not in the mood."

Yes, Lupin concluded that he had been born with the mind of a middle-aged man and he had long since accepted that fact, but if there was one thing he hated, it was other people knowing that.

Hence why…

"I'm thinking we should dye it black."

"You had better be talking about the shirt."

From the mirror he sat before, Lupin clocked Sirius raising his eyes to heaven and wondered if perhaps he was being unreasonable. After all, he had asked for this. After a whispered charm, staring at his ebony black fringe in the mirror, he decided he was not.

"Get rid of it."

"Do you know, Remus, I rather like it."

Lupin scoffed. "All the more reason to get rid of it."

Sirius sighed and flicked his wand. "At least let me put it into a Mohican."

Lupin leapt out of his seat. "Sod off!"

"And you'll need some leather."

Lupin's facial expression suggested that Sirius had told him he would have to be castrated. "Will I? Will I, really?"

"And I have just the thing."

It may as well have been a death sentence.

And so it was that Remus Lupin was not turned into a bastard. He would like to say that nor did he allow Sirius to mess with his hair but he hated lying. His explanation when his girlfriend found him in leather trousers and what she hoped was a wig was: "Sirius came at me and I don't want to talk about it."

Life went on. Sirius was frustrated, Lupin moped and Tonks spent the majority of her time attempting to cheer one or the other up. It was almost just like old times.

At least, that was until Sirius received a letter that gave his life purpose.

Sirius now realised that the sensible thing to have done was to have kept it to himself and above all, not shown it to Lupin who he knew would practically foam at the mouth.

Unfortunately, he was bored and foaming at the mouth would be a marvellous distraction.

"Hey, Remus!"

Lupin looked up from his book. "What?"

"You won't believe who's teaching Harry Defence."

Lupin raised his eyebrows and waited for the end of the sentence. "I'm sure I won't. Who is it?"

"Guess."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "Sirius, it could be anyone."

"Yes but it's not anyone. Guess."

"I don't know. The Pope?"

Sirius shook his head and scowled.

"Cleopatra?"

"Remus, be serious."

"I _am_ serious. Stephen Fry?"

"Umbitch!"

The table teetered and rather reminiscent of a drunken Tonks on the stairs, tried to save itself before falling at Lupin's feet.

"She's _what_?"

It was only when it was too late that Sirius asked himself why he had not expected this sort of reaction.

"She's _teaching_? And the Ministry of Misery just _let_ her? There are laws written to stop people like her getting anywhere _near_ children and now she's _teaching_?"

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

"Apparently, she's victimising Harry."

Lupin scoffed. "She victimises everybody. Of course she's victimising Har-" This clearly took a moment to sink in. His eyes narrowed and flashed dangerously. "She's what?"

"She's victimising-"

"Yes, I heard."

Sirius only just stopped himself from asking why Lupin had deemed it fit to ask him to repeat himself. He took Lupin's vacated seat and flicked through his book. "Why are you reading about Werewolves? What can a book possibly teach you?"

Lupin's breathing had still not returned to a usual speed and volume.

"Remus, are you alright?"

"Alright? I'm fucking dandy. How can you be so calm?"

Sirius shrugged. "He said something about her keeping him detention so that he couldn't be at Quidditch Tryouts. It's hardly anything."

"So why choose words like 'victimising'?"

Another shrug. "That what Harry says Ron's calling it."

Lupin nodded. "Well, I'm not having her within ten yards of him."

Sirius sighed. "Unfortunately, Remus, there's not a lot we can do about it. I'm a wanted criminal and you're-"

"I don't give a shit about what she says I am because I'm a Werewolf. It's Wednesday and I'm a human being."

Sirius nodded. "I was going to say 'too ashamed of starting a riot'. Look, it's not me you need to say this to." Noting the strange expression in his friend's eyes, Sirius got to his feet. "Remus, what are you going to do?"

"What am I going to do? I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter and then, if I can spare the time, I'm going to have my mid-life crisis and not one of you is going to stop me. Goodnight."

Sirius returned to a seat and took a deep breath. He shouldn't have pressed the issue this close to Friday's full moon. Still though, it killed a good twenty minutes. Lupin would calm down by morning and they'd laugh about his response. Even so, it was probably for the best to just check on him.

Sirius crossed the hall on the off chance that his housemate had relocated. He wasn't in the attic lair either. Nor the kitchen. Frustrated, Sirius returned to the library where he found Lupin and several pieces of parchment. He leaned over his friend's shoulder.

_Dear Dolores,  
__I will hunt you down and tear you apart with my teeth._

_Dear Dolores,  
__I know that it must bother you to see that face in the mirror each morning but pity the rest of us. We have to look at you all day._

_Dear Dolores,  
__My housemate has a House Elf. He will kill you in your sleep._

_Dear Dolores,  
__Consider yourself drowned. Perhaps then you can try to tag the merpeople._

_Dear Dolores,  
__You have the face of a toad._

_Dear Dolores,  
__My best friend is Sirius Black. Enough said._

_Dear Dolores,  
__Seek help._

_Dear Dolores, _

_My mum is very upset with you._

_Dear Dolores,  
__If that boy gets so much as a paper cut, your life will not be worth living._

Sirius was impressed. He had never known Lupin actually carry out such a threat. He wouldn't post them but at least he had taken the first step towards reckless abandon.

"I've gone for this one," said Lupin, handing the last letter to his friend.

_Dear Dolores,  
__Fuck you!  
__More sincerely than I believe you can comprehend,  
__Remus Lupin_

Sirius whistled. "Well, it's the best one; short and sweet."

"Yes, I thought so too."

Judging by his tone, he was still livid. Having caused enough commotion for one evening, Sirius retired to bed and hoped to God that those letters would never be read.

Lupin took several deep breaths. So she made him miss Quidditch Tryouts? It was nothing, not really. Yes, an inconvenience but life was about compromises. She hadn't hurt him. At least, he hoped she hadn't. Knowing Harry, they would never find out. He came to the conclusion that this was just as well before he got to his feet and threw the letters into the fire.


	16. Nervous Whistling and a Last Letter

**Disclaimer: See Prologue**

**A/N: Okay, long time no see. I will miss this fic so much. To be honest, that's why I've been delaying it but I just found the file on my computer and I couldn't put it off any longer. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited or even just read.**

And so the weeks passed.

The days merged into one another. The horror that had been a break-up with Nymphadora, the horror that had been Kreacher, the horror that had been an argument with Sirius…all blurred together until Lupin wasn't sure what had happened when.

And all too soon, it was June.

"He can spend the whole summer with me, can't he?" Sirius asked. "I mean, Dumbledore can't have a problem with that, can he? I'll be here. I won't let him out of my sight, Remus."

Lupin sighed. "I know. I'm not disputing it. I just think that if Albus says he has to stay with his aunt and uncle then that's where he should be."

Lupin wasn't sure whether the heat was getting to his friend but Sirius had been short with him for several days. He had taken to pacing and snapping at Kreacher in ways that he had not done even prior to Remus' arrival.

"He should be with me, Remus. I'm his godfather! Lily and James said that he should be with me!"

"Yes, Sirius, I am aware of that. I am merely warning you that you may not spend all of the summer with Harry. If Voldemort is looking for him, the best place for him to be is in Muggle Surrey."

The last few days had hardly been a walk in the park. Lupin could almost taste the tension and animosity in the air.

* * *

"Sirius, please, will you just back the fuck off!"

Tonks stormed up the stairs with a face like thunder. Privately, Sirius thought that she would conjure such clouds to break over his head although he daren't joke for fear of giving her ideas.

"He'll listen to you!" Sirius protested, following her up the stairs.

"I can only assume there is a reason for you not being there, Sirius, and I don't want to be responsible for ballsing the whole thing up, okay?" Her hands gripped the banister, producing brilliant white knuckles. Clearly, a stressed Nymphadora Tonks was not to be messed with. "And as for him listening to me, that's bullshit for starters."

Sirius winced. Things had not returned to normal. Although, he knew first hand that rarely could two people be friends once they knew what one another's genitals looked like. He should have guessed this would happen last Christmas. Naïvely, he had assumed Remus might have grown out of that awkward stage by the time he was thirty-five but obviously, it was a gross misconception.

Speaking of conception…

"Are you pregnant or something?"

"No! And if you dare ask me whether I'm on my period just because you've stressed me out, I will rip your balls off with a pair of pliers."

As soon as the door had closed behind her, Sirius whistled. Talk about awkward.

"Have you seen Nymphadora?"

Tensions were running high at Grimmauld Place. The heat easily affected Lupin who, after a particularly bad full moon, seemed to want to spend all his time sleeping. There was also something seriously wrong with Tonks who was usually so laid back that any more so would make her dead.

Sirius could pin down his annoyance, at least. A lack of Harry or substitute James and anticipation of a well planned, superb summer was making him twitch.

"She's in the Library," replied Sirius, resigning himself to behaving like an adult. "I wouldn't call her Nymphadora right now anyway, mate. She's mourning the death of her egg."

Lupin raised an eyebrow but allowed his friend a faint smile. "So, do you really want to risk coming for Harry next week?"

Sirius was thrown slightly. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You heard."

He nodded vigorously. "Yes, sweet Merlin, yes. Of course I'll come."

Lupin sighed. "I don't suppose there's much I can do to stop you then, is there?" He grinned at his friend. "But if Albus questions you, you tied me to a chair and threatened me with a potato peeler before I gave in."

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "No, and nor do I want you to."

The June evening was warm, pleasant enough and the sun shone through the tall windows, bathing the house in a yellow almost ethereal hue. Sirius grinned. "You know, I never knew this place could look so light."

"And darkness descends," muttered Lupin, almost back to his old self. Sirius was rather pleased with his progress. If they carried on like this, which they would – forever – Lupin would be a Marauder again in no time. He was already becoming a respectable bachelor. Just yesterday, Sirius had noticed that his desk was an absolute tip and he had left some socks on the floor. By next week, Sirius had set him a target of not putting the lid back on the toothpaste.

"What?"

Lupin grabbed his friend's shoulders and twisted him so that he could see through the banister into the corridor on the first floor.

"What the hell is _he_ doing in my house uninvited?"

Lupin rolled his eyes. "Just a minute, Severus!" He turned to Sirius and was halfway through preparing himself for scorn and hatred when he was shocked into silence.

"You haven't _got_ a minute! Potter has taken it upon himself to save your life, Black."

Sirius and Lupin turned to face one another, frowning slightly, before hurtling down the stairs, two at a time, landing together, still the same space between them that they had shared on the landing. Even Snape had to admit it was rather impressive.

It was rather reminiscent of Hogwarts; both of them leaping down the staircase that led to the Charms corridor - they had been laughing then; laughing and in direct competition with one another. Though once on flat ground, neither Sirius nor the more athletic Potter had a hope in hell of keeping up with Lupin and his long legs. Snape had never figured out why they bothered. How childish was it? He was snapped out of bitter memories by Sirius.

"Why is he trying to save my life? I'm the bloom of health for Merlin's sake."

Snape took a deep breath through flared nostrils before he sighed deeply in the manner of an exasperated nursery nurse.

"Your delightful House Elf has told him that the Dark Lord has you in the Department of Mysteries. He seems to believe that you won't last the next hour. It's rather ironic, really. He's gone to save you, risking his own life unnecessarily. I always said he was just like his father. I always said that he'd develop a taste for heroics."

Lupin sucked in a breath and avoided his glare. "Alright, well we'll deal with it. Sirius, relax, he won't have even reached London yet."

"How do you know?" snapped Sirius. "We don't know how they've gone."

"Indeed," replied Snape in a coolly, relaxed drawl that exacerbated the situation. Clearly, he knew something that they did not. "I doubt they'll be taking a stroll through the forest."

Something in Lupin snapped. "I did not suggest that they would be hiking down there. I think we all need to calm down."

Snape raised one eyebrow. "I suggest that you alert Alastor Moody. You'll need an adult with you." With that, he turned on his heel, throwing his cloak out behind him and slamming the door.

Sirius made a crude gesture behind his back and managed to calm himself enough to take the responsibility of alerting the Order.

"Sirius, maybe you should-"

"I know how to owl people, Remus."

Lupin sighed and resigned himself to the harsh fact that he would have to tell Tonks. He took a considerable amount of time on the steps, wondering what he could possibly say to her after everything that had happened between them.

"Quickly, Remus, don't lurk," snapped Sirius. "Christ, I sound like your mother."

For once, there was no snide remark about her attractiveness and anxious, he hurried up the stairs and knocked her door before he could talk himself out of it.

She flung the door open, already dressed. "I know, I heard. Let's go."

She pushed past Lupin who was frozen to the spot, mouth gawping after her, his hands shaking.

"Don't do that, Remus. You look like a goldfish. It's not terribly attractive."

"I came to tell you that we were going. You should stay here and wait for news."

"Kreacher will do that," she replied, running down the stairs and clutching the banister for support. She knew her limits these days. "Now come the fuck on or we'll be late."

"It's not a dinner party," he shouted after her. "It's rescue mission."

"You think I dress like this for dinner parties?"

Sirius leapt to his feet, hearing her on the stairs. "You're coming too? Brilliant! Kingsley is meeting us there and Moody's on his way. I'll er…I'll leave you pair to it, shall I?"

He hurried off in the direction of the Library and the awkward silence in his wake was deafening. The whole house was still. Lupin could hear a ringing in his ears. This was the calm before the storm and he couldn't say that he reacted well to it.

"I'm sorry," he said eventually. "I don't want you to think that I don't believe in you. I just don't want to see you hurt."

She nodded. "I'll be fine, Remus. I've been trained to do this. Look, I'll go and meet Mad-Eye and we'll find you there. We'll try and figure out where Harry is." She turned and took a deep breath, attempting a chipper smile and not quite managing it. "Good luck, then."

"Wait!"

Tonks was engulfed in his arms, inhaling deeply the smell of cinnamon and spring that reassured her. It was just so…well, so Remus.

"Try not to fall over anything," he whispered, laughing under his breath.

She nodded and released herself. "I'll be fine. Concentrate on your own safety, alright? I'm big enough and ugly enough to take care of myself."

And with that she was gone and Sirius' nervous whistling filled the house. The man himself emerged after about a minute, looking for his cousin, puzzled.

"Where's Nymphie?"

"Gone ahead to meet Moody."

He nodded. "Ah, so did you sort it out with her?"

Lupin sighed. "I think so."

"Good." He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a battered envelope. "Listen, if anything happens to me, I want you to read that and sort it out for me, okay?"

Lupin stared at it for a while. "I haven't written one."

Sirius shrugged. "You'll be alright. I'll be alright. I've just had it lying around for a while and thought I'd better hand it over. It's just morbid precaution."

Lupin nodded. "You'll be alright anyway. You've got me with you."

"And when have you not saved my arse when I need you to?"

Lupin laughed. "True, I suppose. I was thinking more along the lines of everyone being safer when I'm around because I'm the misfortune magnet. If anything happens, it'll happen to me. I'm sure that's why I was allowed to join the Order in the first place."

Sirius grinned at him. "I take you for granted. Come on, we've wasted enough time being morbid. There'll be plenty of time for that when we come back. We can have a nice long chat about the probability of hanging on until we're forty."

* * *

It was quiet; too quiet without Sirius. The empty house was ominous and held too many painful memories. Tonks was barely hanging on in St. Mungo's. He had lost them both; he knew it.

He fumbled in his pocket and pulled out the envelope.

_Well, Moony, it looks like it's finally over. Oh well, at times like this, all you can do is laugh I suppose. Already I miss you._

_Hang on, a thought has just occurred. Maybe you're reading this and I'm not dead. If that is the case and I've just left this letter lying around, please put it back in the envelope and take several steps back so you are not tempted._

_You're still reading it, aren't you, you cheeky git. I know you only too well._

_If I am dead, you have my forgiveness, for reading the letter not for murdering me. I knew I should have locked that potato peeler away. _

_Anyway, my entire estate (including the Christmas Fairy and the murder weapon) is to be left to Harry. The formal documents for all this should be upstairs in the top drawer of my desk. Don't even think about changing it. I know what's going through that overworked head of yours._

_However, half of my funds are to be given to you until you get yourself a job, you idle little bugger, along with all the drinkable stuff from my cabinet and all of the leftover biscuits. You have memories, Remus, and I'd rather you have them than a House Elf who wants you dead._

_I bequeath to you my blessing to have babies with my cousin. You don't know it yet, but you love her and she's rather fond of you, I'll bet. (I'm talking about Tonks, by the way, not Bellatrix. Please, for the love of baby Jesus, don't let her populate the earth)._

_Buckbeak is to go back to Hagrid. Although, warn him to give him a false name. I don't want to lose him, bless him. _

_My mother's wine is to be given to Bellatrix. Let's see if we can't poison her._

_And now, Remus, I'm going to tell you goodbye because you're shouting for me to come down for Poptarts and I don't want to provoke you when you have hot strawberry jam – not after last time. Well, you've been a good friend to me and I apologise once more for any hurt I may have caused you. _

_Now, I want a fancy funeral. I want the Ministry to bloody well pay for it and I want it to be big. I'm talking lilies and jewels and all that jazz, right._

_And I've heard about what you said at James' funeral and while it was touching and lovely and James would have loved it, I don't want you being all melancholy at mine. Tell everyone about what I was like at school; just don't mention anything that happened within ten yards of a broom closest. Do we have a deal?_

_Oh and look after Harry. I think he'll need it. Try and do a better job than I did._

_Now I don't know how to sign out._

_Screw it._

_Love,_

_Padfoot, Sirius, The Bane of Your Life, Alcohol Enthusiast, Facetious Twat, Arsehole and all the other names you used to call me._

_P.S. It's hard writing in past tense._

_P.P.S. I want Sirius Subtle Obnoxious Black made out of flowers and left in the back garden. It'll give you something to do over Christmas._

_P.P.P.S. Alright, you've read the letter, now come down and make some tea and we'll have an embarrassing discussion about mortality._


End file.

Harry Potter, Friendship, Humor