1. Chapter 1

_**- Crash - **_

Their feet fumbled together as he pressed close, pushing her backwards till her head crashed against the locker behind. She barely felt the pain.

His lips were no less gentle on hers, painfully demanding what was rightfully his.

"I'm not letting you get away this time," he whispered hoarsely, voice thick with emotion. "I know how many times you've done this with the other pilots after a mission. And every time I've wished I was them."

Her lips crashed against his, just as brutally. She sensed him pull back a fraction, expecting her to play the victim. Evidently Dee had tainted him - once upon a time he'd known she was a fighter and would have been ready for her.

"All you had to do was say so," she hissed, eyes narrowing as she fumbled for the zipper of his flightsuit and yanked it down so hard it broke. "Every time I ended up biting my tongue so I didn't call out your name." The words were bitter, her saliva on his lips acidic.

"Give me that tongue then and I'll fix it." He grabbed her head hard and forced his tongue into her mouth, suddenly becoming gentle as he stroked her. The kiss was wet, hot, passionate and pleading.

She wanted it as much as he did.

Their tongues collided as other parts of their bodies entwined themselves, eventually finding a fit that was more than perfect for both of them.

His head leaned down to rest against hers, no less sweaty than it had been when she'd returned from the mission.

"Only me from now on," he whispered, lips ghosting against hers as he talked.

"Is that an order?" she whispered back, tongue flicking out to lick the sweat from his upper lip.

"Yes."

Her hand came up and smacked her forehead. "Aye aye sir."

fin


	2. Chapter 2

_**- Deep - **_

She'd never experienced anything like it. It was the most exquisite, perfect soul-filling thing she'd ever done in her life, and she'd done plenty of things in the pursuit of these feelings.

She wanted to stay here forever, lost in the feelings, savouring emotions she'd never felt, wrenched from her powerfully by a force she'd only been able to imagine before now.

They were one in a way that seemed as though they were made for each other. They fit together like a hand and a glove, one inside the other, the other closing around like a protective, loving cocoon.

From this moment she knew what her destiny was. Knew they belonged together. Forever.

Flying was the most beautiful thing imaginable.


	3. Chapter 3

**- Vindicated - **

He looked down from his place among the eternals and watched her crying. Once upon a time it would have torn his soul in two to see her pain ... okay, it still hurt a bit, but he couldn't help but feel a small stab of satisfaction.

Were those who were no longer of mortal flesh supposed to feel? Were they still supposed to want retribution for the hurts of the past? He didn't know. He'd always believed that living with the eternal souls meant leaving all of that behind.

Well maybe he just hadn't had a chance to leave it behind before he went.

Because he sure was finding satisfaction in watching Dee cry her eyes out as the man she'd cheated on him with cheated on her and tossed her aside like a child's playtoy he'd grown tired of. Like she'd never really meant anything to him in the first place.

Finally, she knew how he'd felt.


	4. Chapter 4

_**- Hunger - **_

There was no other way to describe it. He _hungered_ after her.

At one time he'd thought it was love ... perhaps it still was.

At one time he'd thought it was friendship ... perhaps that hadn't changed.

At one time he'd thought it was family ... she was like a sister to him in many ways.

But now, now that he was married to another woman, one he loved in a pale, sweet fashion, he realized that Kara was the woman he hungered after. Just one thought of her and he felt spasms of pain/pleasure everywhere. His mouth watered and the tension that grew in his stomach at the thought of joining with her threatened to overwhelm his good sense.

He could barely stand the sight of her. She was sustenance for his empty existence.

And he was a hungry man.

_ fin _


	5. Chapter 5

_**- Rebel Heart - **_

She was back.

It didn't matter that she'd died. He'd seen her die with his own eyes, his heart exploding right along with her viper. She'd gone as she'd lived, explosive, passionate and stirring feelings in him that he'd never thought himself capable of feeling.

She was back.

It didn't matter that she'd taken his heart and treated it like the enemy, giving glimpses of herself just enough to lure him out into the open before attacking and leaving him wounded and dying.

She was back.

It didn't matter that his mind had decided that putting their volatile relationship back into a securely locked portion of his heart was best to make sure what was left of it didn't shatter. Again.

She was back.

It didn't matter that she'd been a part of every painful thing he'd suffered in the last five years of his life, either causing it directly or being involved tangentially.

She was back.

It didn't matter that she'd been his brother's first and he'd broken the unwritten male code in trying to make her his - a thing that had left him harbouring more shame than he'd ever been willing to admit, even to himself.

She was back.

It didn't matter that he was still married, though that relationship was now as rocky as the one he'd always had with _her_, though in a far less intense and passionate way.

She was back.

His heart was overjoyed. Over - overjoyed. Absolutely beyond description. To say his heart was bursting with happiness would be a complete understatement. It was as though a million butterflies, transplanted from the rainforest region of Caprica, had been loosed inside him and were fluttering madly around, trying to force his body to turn itself inside out to make space for themselves.

It was as though a sudden stroke of scarlet, orange, violet and fuschia had been painted across his shades-of-grey, bringing him back to life.

A resurrection for them both.

She was back.

It didn't matter if she was a cylon. New body, new mind - same memories, same heart, same passion. _ Now_ he finally understood Helo. It wasn't what the body was made of that mattered.

It was how the heart felt.

She was back.

He could feel again.

_ fin _

A/N: This one was inspired by the song 'Rebel Heart' by The Corrs. It's a gaelic, instrumental piece that reminds me of the song that runs through BSG, first heard in The Hand of God when Apollo returns from his tyllium mission and reunites with Kara and his father. This song made me feel the same sort of joy the first time I heard it yesterday. :) 


	6. Chapter 6

_**- Freedom - **_

It had been said _if you love something let it go._ Well, she'd loved him and she'd let him go. Straight back into the arms of the other woman who'd been vying for his affections.

It hadn't been difficult to drive him away, it was as though he'd expected it anyway and had a back up plan. That was Lee - always had to be prepared, never just lived in the moment.

It's not like it would have worked between them anyway, given their differing personalities. She loved to take life as it came, winging it literally as well as metaphorically. He was organized, planned ahead and liked to know exactly what he was dealing with before the dealing came so he could be prepared and have every eventuality taken into consideration.

_She_ was one eventuality he could never deal with. He'd never been prepared for her, though he'd known what a wild card she was. She always surprised him with her actions.

She thought perhaps that was a good thing - that it would let loose the wild side she knew he kept tightly under wraps. It didn't though - it merely frustrated him.

She'd loved him enough to know what was best for him. She wasn't it.

So she gave him his freedom.

_ fin _


	7. Chapter 7

_**- Mirror - **_

She'd never been particularly fond of mirrors.

Mirrors gave you insights into your soul that were easier to pretend didn't exist if you just threw on your clothes and went on your way. That was partially why she'd loved the short hair - wash, flip fingers through and go. No need for a mirror - spending time styling hair led to looking at other parts of the face. And eyes it had been said in poetry, were the mirrors to the soul.

Her soul was black as space.

It wasn't a place anyone wanted to venture, she least of all. She took as little time as possible in the head, allowing herself only a glance at the unfamiliar face in the mirror above the sink as she brushed her teeth.

Who was that cruel, bitter woman who looked back at her through those hazel-green eyes? Surely not she. _She'd _managed to hold herself together despite Leoben's torture, mental and physical. _ She_ hadn't been damaged like Tigh. _She'd_ made it through intact.

She walked away. It was easy to lie to herself as long as she didn't look too closely.

But mirrors couldn't lie.

_ fin _


	8. Chapter 8

_**- Lush -**_

The blue of the sky was overwhelming. The green of the grass was unlike anything he'd seen in years. They'd gotten so used to Cloud Nine's false 'earthlike' look that reality seemed too intense. Too bright. Way over the top.

It reminded him of Kara.

She was the same. She made every woman seem pale in comparison. Where they were pretty she was blazingly beautiful. Where their smiles were sweet hers made men feel unsteady on their feet. Where they had curves she had the most feminine form he'd ever seen. ( Once she took off the male-fitting clothes).

Lush. That was the word he would use to describe them both. Lush, verdant, deep, strong, intense ... something you could get lost in without even realizing you were gone.

And while getting lost on Earth would be fun, being lost in Kara was where he wanted to be.

Forever.

_ fin _


	9. Chapter 9

_**- Ice - **_

Theirs was a pale, watery imitation of the relationship he had with Kara.

How could he have ever thought there was '_something there_'? Had he been dreaming? Possibly temporary insanity?

Kara was passionate, exciting, fiery ... Granted flames could burn, but burning with passion could be a very good thing.

Dee was ... well for want of a better word, icy. Cool, collected, unemotional. Occasionally she played the sympathy card but it was just to get her way when she knew he wouldn't agree with her.

Fire was painful but at least when you were burnt you felt _something_. Ice just froze your heart till you couldn't feel anything at all.

_ fin _


	10. Chapter 10

_**- Cat - **_

She crawled between the parts, sure of herself, certain ... never wavering as she wound her way to the one hidden deep within that was malfunctioning.

He watched her as she moved, lithe, muscles rippling beneath the skin ... skin slick and shiny with sweat as she worked. She reminded him of something, something sleek, animal-like ...

A cat.

She reminded him of a cat. Sure-footed and confident. Clear green eyes sparkling in the darkness as she saw her goal and moved forward relentlessly to attain it.

Perhaps he would be lucky - perhaps next time _he_ would be her goal.

_ fin _


	11. Chapter 11

_**- Darkness - **_

He was different.

_She_ had changed as a result of the experience but she hadn't realized how much her disappearance and apparent death had changed him. There was a darkness about him, a lack of the light he usually radiated that made him almost terrifying.

He was darkness, absence of light. It was as though her death had taken away the one thing that kept him alive. Death had taken over his soul and pushed the light out, no room for happiness any longer.

It wasn't supposed to be like that. He was the light to her darkness. She was the one with the soul black as night. He was Apollo - named after the sun god, the one that radiated life and light.

Her experience had changed her, taken away some of the darkness. Now it was her turn to help him. Time to share the light.

Time to take away the darkness.

_ fin _


	12. Chapter 12

_**- Lace -**_

He almost missed them.

The one thing that proved to him, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that despite Starbuck's assertion that she was just 'one of the guys', she was actually very feminine underneath.

She had a way about her - her short, boyish hair; the way she handled a Viper like a guy twice her size and strength; her ability to swear like a Marine; the way she swaggered during Triad games; even the way she held a cigar in her mouth - all served to prove to everyone that she was definitely _not_ a girly girl.

But as he picked up the pile of clothing she'd tossed in a messy heap on the floor he found the one thing that proved all of that was just an act.

A pair of small, white lacy underwear with pink and orange flowers on them.

_ fin _


	13. Chapter 13

_**- Throw - **_

"It's your throw Starbuck."

She dragged her attention back to the game, embarrassment at being caught off guard not the only thing flushing her cheeks a pretty pink. From the way Apollo coughed and shuffled in his chair she knew he'd noticed the blush.

The smirk was unstoppable.

People thought she came to the weekly Dice games so she could clean everyone out of their prized possessions, anything from a silver necklace with a heart on it to a turn in the 'private' shower - the one with hot not lukewarm water.

Not true.

She came to play with Apollo, pure and simple. The professionalism they were required to have given the seriousness of life's circumstances, didn't allow for jesting during duty hours so she did what she could to spend time teasing him during their off duty shifts. And while she loved playing Pyramid (and could wipe the ship's decking with any opponent), Lee loved Dice. It was his vice, if a god could be said to have vices.

So she started coming to the games to play. Dice didn't require much concentration and she was able to throw, play and bluff without thinking. Planning her strategy on how to arouse Apollo without seeming obvious about it was much more difficult. More like chess.

She had to think a few moves ahead and anticipate his reactions to her subtle gestures.

He was an easy mark. All she had to do was lower the zipper of her sweatshirt to just the right level and his eyes would find their way there almost constantly. Running her fingers through her hair (while making sure her chest was appropriately front and centre) made him fidgety in his chair and when she bit her lip he was beyond help.

He lost every week but always came back for more. Perhaps he too was aware there was more to the game than just winning and losing.

"Come on Starbuck, you're wasting time. Let's get this game going!"

She smirked again. If only Hotdog knew.

_ fin _


	14. Chapter 14

_**- In His Arms -**_

She'd surprised him that night, it was written in the glaze of his eyes. He hadn't thought she could be so pretty, so alluring. It was obvious he wanted to take back his words, and that was a real achievement on her part - swallowing the Adama pride was something none of the men in that family did easily.

She'd done her best to prove a point and it had gotten her right where she wanted to be ...

_In his arms._

She could have killed him with her bare hands that day. Running had been a better alternative. Thank the Gods Roslin had given it to her or she'd have had to face him again and there was no telling how far Starbuck would have gone to show him how wrong he was.

Although the weeks she'd been gone had had their good moments, she hadn't realized till she'd landed on the Astral Queen just how much she'd missed him. _He _was what had brought her home, not the Arrow. _He _was her anchor, the force that pulled her back when she went spinning out of control, to be lost forever in the black nothingness.

The one place she'd wanted to be more than anything in all the Colonies and beyond was where she'd thankfully ended up ...

_In his arms_.

Frak or fight, he'd once said, and how true those words had become. They'd always wanted to frak but had fought instead, and it always left her feeling like her world had been spun upside down. The Cylons had annihilated almost all of humanity and taken away everything they'd called reality but she'd taken it in stride. Lee had gotten angry with her because of her naughty behaviour on the Pegasus and she'd fallen apart completely.

'You should see how my brain works'. Forgive me Lee, I didn't mean to hurt you.

'You have a brain?' It's okay Kara, forget it. Friends?

Those four words had brought light and life back into her troubled soul. They'd touched and it had been like a block of ice had melted away, leaving her heart alive again. Then he'd pulled her into a hug and it was like coming home, the one place she'd never figured out how to get to but wanted to be in more than anything in the universe ...

_In his arms._

They fought and frakked. And fought again. And probably would end up frakking some more, that's just how their relationship worked. It didn't seem there could be anything between. But now, as they beat on one another as though hate were what they were feeling, frustration gave way to something else. Something that was always there, just under the surface.

Their strengths had been sapped - fighting other opponents had been easy but once they'd taken on each other they'd realized neither could be beaten. Shouldn't have come as a surprise. To anyone.

In each other's arms is where they'd ended up, too spent to throw another punch, too weary to let go, lest they both fall down. Holding each other up, bracing one another, being the tower of strength the other needed, even though there was nothing inside left to give._ That_ was where she needed to be. Where she'd always needed to be. Where she'd always end up because in the end home was where the heart was. And her heart, though it had seemed to roam wildly, had always firmly been planted in one place ...

_In his arms._

_** fin **_


	15. Chapter 15

_** Circles **_

_"I'm not getting married."_

_"Well then what's the point Kara? I mean, you love him, right?"_

Did she?

Maybe that was the point. Love and marriage - they went hand in hand. Lee was a traditionalist, of course he'd believe that. She loved Sam, she was going to marry him. Conversely, if she were marrying him she must love him.

Love had nothing to do with it.

Sam was a good guy, anyone would agree on that. She enjoyed dicking around with him, literally too. He was fun in bed and out of it. Someone she could have a good laugh with, and the Gods knew that was rare enough these days.

Maybe that was the point. Maybe love wasn't necessary. Love hurt, she'd learned that lesson early enough in life and it had only been reinforced time and again.

No, marriage wasn't part of the equation for her. She couldn't even remember now, why she'd agreed to marry Zak. He too had been fun and a good lay but marriage ... what had she been thinking? Marriage meant domesticity - home and family. Someone to share your life with yes, but also someone to whom you owed honesty and faithfulness.

Those were two things Kara had never found easy.

Maybe that was the point. Maybe it was time for her to settle down and have an honest and faithful relationship with someone. _And maybe you're just too afraid to do it with the person you really love because you know how difficult it's going to be. _ Sam was definitely a better option, if she were even considering marriage. He couldn't see through her the way _some _people could. She didn't have to be completely honest with him, she didn't have to be completely faithful to him - he never really noticed. He was too in love with her to actually see her faults.

Unlike some others she could mention.

_"Where are we going with this Lee?"_

_"Well now that's the question, isn't it? Where are we going."_

They were going 'round in circles. Where else? The direct route was too quick and painful - like a sudden knife blade in the gut.

A quick death was too easy for them, they had to draw it out so each was tortured to the fullest before they died.

Where were they going. Where did a circle lead? Back to where it started. How could he possibly think they were actually going anywhere? All they did was chase their tails round and round again, never catching the prize but never giving up either.

It was so frakking stupid. Like neither of them had a brain. Maybe they didn't - maybe they just thought with their hearts. And _that_ was the danger - hearts weren't meant to think, they were meant to love.

But here he came, walking towards her with love in his eyes. For once he was breaking the cycle - being direct and to the point, not dancing around the issue as though he was afraid to confront it.

Where were they going to go with it? Was it time to stop going around in circles? _ Could_ they even?

Morning came too soon, and with it the knowledge that circles were made they way they were precisely so they _couldn't_ be broken. Lee, in all his rose-coloured naivete, believed they could.

She knew better.

_** fin **_


	16. Chapter 16

_**- He -**_

He's everything I want.

He's everything I hate.

He's a part of me even though I've tried to rip him out, blood still pumping out the gaping wound in my chest.

He's cruel and unkind.

He's sweet and sexy.

His looks are pure heat, melting me from within.

His touch is possessive, overwhelming.

He strives to possess me though he knows in his heart that's impossible.

He wants everything, my heart, my soul and my mind. Though sometimes I'm tempting to give him everything I realize it isn't in my power to do so. I don't have complete control of them myself, how can I relinquish that control to someone else?

He's someone I don't trust.

He's a liar and a man who'll do anything to save his own skin.

He's a hero, a man respected by all.

He's the poster boy for bravery and valour.

He's adored by all, especially _her_, even though none of them know him like I do.

He's everything I hate.

He's everything I want.


	17. Chapter 17

_**- She - **_

She's everything I want.

She's everything I know I shouldn't want.

She knows I want her but she doesn't care.

She's killing me inch by inch with her indifference.

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen yet there's an ugliness to her that I can't quite describe.

She's kind yet cruel.

She's unpredictable yet predictable in her unpredictableness.

She wants me to want her, wants me to chase her, wants to feel that she has the upper hand, always. There's a part of me that wants to bow down, to relinquish control and let her have the upper hand, even if it means she treads on my dignity, just so I can _have _her.

She wants me to want but never have.

She wants me not to have what she doesn't want.

She's confusing yet so very simple at times. In fear mostly.

She's everything I know I shouldn't want.

Yet she's everything I want.

_ fin _


End file.
