Harry Potter 1. The Opening Commentary

**"The Marauders Variety Show!"**

_**A/N: **__Okay, I decided to group all of my Marauder one-shots, all dramatic, comedic, and __songfics__ having to do with at least one of the Marauders, into this one monster blowout __fic__! But wait, there's more! This DVD comes LOADED with extra features, like previews/sneak peeks to my Marauder chapter-__fics! __Think of it as the Saturday Night Live of Marauder __fanfics! __All of my previously-written __fics__ are here, along with some brand-new ones for your pleasure! Enjoy! _

_BTW, for all intended purposes, because Lily and Tonks were Marauder wives, I DO, in fact, consider them unofficial Marauders, and therefore, they appear here in their own right! HA!__ Also, I DO associate __Snape__ with the Marauders, so he DOES occasionally appear, but not that often__, as does my Marauder OC, Bastet __Pollux_

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_**Table **__**Of**__** Contents **_

**(Commentary Generously Provided by the Marauders, plus Lily and Tonks)**

**Chapter I: "Sirius Pie"—a ****S****ongfic**

SIRIUS: Now THAT'S a sweet dessert!

JAMES: Blech. Not enough PRONGSIE in it!

LILY: Too much, if you ask me.

SIRIUS: I mean, who could honestly not love a parody song about ME?!?

REMUS: Well—

SIRIUS: That was a RHETORICAL question, Moony!

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**Chapter II: "The Mar****auders Go To Candy Mountain"—a C****omedy **

LILY: (giggling) one of my all-time favorites!

WORMTAIL: Not for me, it's not. I'm still afraid of unicorns!

JAMES: This one re-introduced me to the wonderful world of ibuprofen!

REMUS: I never DID get that essay done for Potions!

TONKS: Remus, darling, it's been, what, twenty years now and you STILL think about homework??

REMUS: So what if I do?

TONKS: It turns me on.

SIRIUS: Gag me with a wand.

JAMES: Get a ROOM!

LILY: It turns ME on too, James!

JAMES: Wanna get a double, Remus?

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**Chapter I****II: "Coming Home"—a DH-spoiler D****rama**

TONKS: This one's a bit moodier than the first two, I'm warning you. It's about my Remus and me!

REMUS: Ah yes, based on real life, too. Much sadder than the first two chapters.

JAMES: I dunno, Moony. That first chapter seems pretty-damn pathetic to me.

SIRIUS: Heh heh, yeah…hey, WAIT A SEC!

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**Chapter IV: "Marauders on a Rainy Day"—a Never-Before-Seen Comedy**

JAMES: A real treat, a brand-spankin' new comedy!

WORMTAIL: My favorite part has to be the—

LILY:--ssh! You'll spoil it!

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**Chapter V: Excerpt from "The Most Insane School Days of the Sisters Black"****—a Sneak-Peek**

SIRIUS: This is just a little snippet. The whole thing is 30 chapters long!

TONKS: This one has a lot to do with my mum, actually.

REMUS: Tonks, actually, I'd rather you didn't read too far into that story, it's a little…err…embarrassing.

TONKS: Remus, better watch what you stay. Remember, I'm turned on, but I can turn off with one word..

REMUS: Shutting up now, dear.

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**Chapter VI: "Courage Comes in a Christmas Stocking"—a Holiday Drama**

SIRIUS: ANOTHER Remus-loves-Tonks DRAMA???? Give me a goddamn break!

JAMES: I'm with you. Moony seems to be hogging the spotlight with his little wifey.

LILY: Jealous much, divas?

SIRIUS: Damn right.

JAMES: Hey, Padfoot! You have a whole song dedicated to you!

SIRIUS: Oh, right. Who's keeping tally?

WORMTAIL: I am.

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**Chapter VII: "The Marauders ****Chatroom****"—a Comedy**

WORMTAIL: Oh Merlin! Please don't put that one up!

JAMES: Ha ha, we should rename this one "Wormtail Discovers Porn!"

LILY: You're mean to Wormtail.

WORMTAIL: Yeah.

SIRIUS: Yeah, so what?

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**Chapter VIII: "Lily's Riot"—a Never-Before-Seen Parody ****Songfic**

JAMES: Now HERE'S some Prongs-and-Lily action!

LILY: You wrote it just for me!

JAMES: Based it off a Muggle jazzy song. Suited my Evans perfectly!

SIRIUS: There, happy now, Prongs?

JAMES: No.

SIRIUS: Figures.

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**CHAPTER IX: ****"The Midnight Club"—a Parody/Drama**

JAMES: Based on some Muggle 80's movie I can't remember the name of.

SIRIUS: I wanna say…the Bacon Club?

REMUS: Sounds close enough to me.

LILY: My old friend Bastet appears in this one too.

SIRIUS: Oh, yeah she does!!!

LILY: Perv. You just like it because you got to kiss her.

SIRIUS: Hey, if Rowling couldn't give me any action, might as well have a fanwriter gimme some!

REMUS: Oy vey.

SIRIUS: She was a hottie too. Okay, a little _CURVIER_ and a little _ECCENTRIC_…but she still suits me well.

JAMES: Translation: Big butt and loud mouth, but she's still got a vagina.

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**Chapter X: "The Second Wedding Ring"—a Tragedy/Drama**

SIRIUS: Here we go with the sad Remus and Tonks forever stories!

TONKS: Give us a break!

REMUS: Definitely!

TONKS: It made me sad to read this one, and I'm SOO glad it didn't turn out that way in real life!

JAMES: Yeah, instead of one of you dead, BOTH of you are dead!

TONKS: Better together than apart, right?

REMUS: Forever, Dora. Hey, give me a kiss…

JAMES: Ugh, this is like Word-Mush. I'm out.

LILY: I'm still turned on.

JAMES: A few more chapters wouldn't hurt…

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**Chapter XI: "Celebrating Good Times in Therapy!"—a Comedy**

LILY: I am sooo evil!

JAMES: That really wasn't funny how that one turned out!

LILY: Yes it was!

REMUS: Sirius still hasn't come out of the closet.

SIRIUS: There WAS no closet to come out of, I TOLD you!!!

JAMES: Denial.

SIRIUS: Hey, what happened to "She's still got a vagina?!"

WORMTAIL: You CAN go both ways too…

SIRIUS: I don't NEED both ways! Gah!

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**Chapter XII: Excerpt from "To See a Thestral"—an AU Tragedy/Drama**

TONKS: Another one that I'm glad didn't happen the way it happened.

REMUS: Yeah, another one where you live and I die…hey how come YOU always live?

TONKS: Uh…because I'm hotter now than I was at the beginning of this commentary?

REMUS: Um…let's go se about giving Teddy a little brother or sister, shall we?

LILY: Hey, they're going upstairs!

JAMES: WOOHOO! MOO-NY! MOO-NY!! Chant with me, Pads!

SIRIUS: MOO-NY! MOO-NY!

LILY: Pigs.

WORMTAIL: Yeah.

LILY: I could've had Severus, you know. He had respect for when his friends when off to have sex…but NO! I chose the handsome, yet immature little git!

SIRIUS: Shh…listen!

JAMES: Holy Merlin, they've been gone, what, five minutes and already with the moaning?!

SIRIUS: Damn, Moony's crotch must've been ready to burst down here.

JAMES: Say, Lily, getting any ideas?

LILY: Sorry, it's dead.

JAMES: Of course it is…

WORMTAIL; Anyways, enjoy our 'Variety Show!"

SIRIUS: A showcase of Sweet Sadie's most beloved Marauder-based fics...and a few DVD extras!

LILY: Have fun, and leave her a comment!


	2. Sirius Pie

**"Sirius Pie"****—A ****Siriuscentric**** Spoof/****Songfic**

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A long, long time ago...

I can still remember

How that Black man used to make me smile.

And he was cool, he was fine,

Damn, I wished that he was mine

And, maybe, I'd be happy for a while.

But when the Death Eaters took power

Everyone began to cower.

Bad news every morning; And yet he paid no warning.

I can't remember if I cried

When I heard his friends had wrongly fried,

But something killed me deep inside

When Sirius Black died.

_So why? Why? Sirius can't die!_

_Yes, he's crazy! And he's lazy!_

_But his motorbike flies!_

_Now Lupin'll choke, and Harry Potter will cry,_

_Singin', "JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

_JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

Did you write the fifth installment?

Did you know it would be an appallment?

Is 'appallment' even a word?

Did you know that he's meet his doom?

Under the light of the full moon,

By his cousin's evil had, have you heard?

Well, you know that I'm in love with him

He and I were schoolmates way back when

Hogwarts was a fun place. Not a Ministry-run place.

The Marauders and I were teenage punks

hoisting Snape up into the air by his trunks,

But the wizard world ran out of it's hunks

The day Sirius died.

Now I'm singing…

_So why? Why? Sirius can't die!_

_Yes, he's crazy! And he's lazy!_

_But his motorbike flies!_

_Now Lupin'll choke, and Harry Potter will cry,_

_Singin', "JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

_JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

Now for twelve years he's been all locked up

In Azkaban with no chance to look up,

But that's not how it used to be.

In his Hogwarts days he was a king,

And his Marauder group was a fine thing

Prongs, Moony, Wormtail, and he…

Oh, he did have his rivals too,

Like Snape, whose hair smelled like poo.

One day school was adjourned; Sirius never returned.

So now he was out on his own,

Of course, he never was alone,

For this three friends gave him a real home

Until Sirius died.

We are singing,

_So why? Why? Sirius can't die!_

_Yes, he's crazy! And he's lazy!_

_But his motorbike flies!_

_Now Lupin'll choke, and Harry Potter will cry,_

_Singin', "JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

_JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

Lupin, Lupin, he's got a wound.

He got it from the last full moon,

Oh what can the poor guy do?

Lucky for him, Sirius came along.

And vowed he'd help him sing the werewolf song,

So, a dog he became to be.

His Animagus was loyal and true,

And when the moon became full and blue.

Sirius got some fleas,

They pranced together in the night breeze

And when Lupin became himself again;

He saw that he had a true friend.

Of course, all good things came to an end,

The day Sirius died!

And now I'm singing,

_So why? Why? Sirius can't die!_

_Yes, he's crazy! And he's lazy!_

_But his motorbike flies!_

_Now Lupin'll choke, and Harry Potter will cry,_

_Singin', "JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

_JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

Oh, after school ended it's days,

The group of best friend began to blaze

Into this whole new world.

Soon Prongs met up with a chick

they married and then they had a kid

He was a boy and not a girl.

Prongs said to Black, "Hey, you're the one!"

"Will you be godfather to my son?"

But only a year passed, Prongs and Lily felt a deadly blast

And as Sirius' anger was fanned to flame

Because Wormtail was the one to blame,

He got caught, Wormtail got away…

Before Sirius died.

He was singing,

_So why? Why? Sirius can't die!_

_Yes, he's crazy! And he's lazy!_

_But his motorbike flies!_

_Now Lupin'll choke, and Harry Potter will cry,_

_Singin', "JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

_JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

12 years went by, and he got out,

Dementors went scattering all about,

But Harry Potter let him get away

he then went down to Grimmauld place,

Where the Order went to rebuild face,

But the Dark Lord came back without delay.

And then the second war began.

Some people fought, and others ran,

But Sirius went to the big fray,

To help Potter save the day.

He's still the man I admire most:

Even though now he's a ghost,

Now in my heart he is the host,

Now that Sirius died.

My heart is singing,

_So why? Why? Sirius can't die!_

_Yes, he's crazy! And he's lazy!_

_But his motorbike flies!_

_Now Lupin'll choke, and Harry Potter will cry,_

_Singin', "JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_

_JK Rowling, I hope you fry."_


	3. The Marauders Go To Candy Mountain

**"The Marauders Go To Candy Mountain"****—a Spoof/Comedy **

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"Okay, who is as bored as I am?" asked Sirius Black one incredibly dull Saturday afternoon in the Gryffindor common room.

James Potter's and Peter Pettigrew's hands shot up into the air with a 'moan.' Remus Lupin, on the other hand, was too busy finishing an essay for Potions class.

"Maybe I could see if I could summon another pair of Lily Evan's underpants from her room?" suggested James. "Ha ha, she was so angry at me for that one, she's STILL trying to plot my downfall for it! But the lacy blue pair from last week IS starting to lose it's—"

"—or, why don't you all get to work on that essay for Professor Slughorn?" he asked. "It's due Monday, and it has to be two feet long minimum!"

James rolled his eyes. "And already you've written six feet, Moony! Padfoot and I will just take some of yours!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I wonder why I even bother..."

"...because you know you love us, Moony!" Sirius said with a beaming smile. "Besides, you still owe me and Prongs for taking care of Snivellus for you the other day!"

James stood up and crossed the room to look out the window. "He can be such a jerk! Imagine, attempting to tell McGonagall that you cheated off him! But...took care of THAT with a little Impedimenta, didn't we, Pads?"

Sirius grinned. "We basically rule the school as it is! And who knew ol' Snivs still believed in 'Commando Fridays?'"

Remus turned around in his seat and groaned. "He's going to be pissed at us, you know," Remus said. "But...thanks for standing up to him for me anyways."

Peter stood up and crossed the room to meet the others. "I'm still bored..."

"Keep your trousers on, Wormy!" James said. "Hey, why don't we go out into the Forbidden Forest with the Invisibility Cloak just for the hell of it?"

Remus and Peter looked a little skeptical. Remus twiddled his thumbs. "I still have a lot of homework..."

"I don't really think it's a good idea..." Peter continued.

But Sirius nodded eagerly. "Lets do it!"

James grinned again. "That's two votes against two. Majority rules, we're going!"

* * *

Before Remus could protest, the four Marauders had sneaked their way out of the school and into the forest under the Invisibility Cloak. The day was a bit grey, but it wasn't showing signs of raining, so they kept on going. Nothing stirred today in the forest, so they took off the cloak after a few steps into the forest, and James slung it over his shoulder.

"So...now what?" asked Sirius, tossing his long dark hair behind him when it got in his face.

Peter kicked a bit of dirt out from under his feet and sighed. "Any pranks we could try?"

Remus bit his lip. "And to think, I have two rolls on Red Caps due for Defense on Tuesday!"

James rolled his eyes. "Oh, is that all you ever think about is work? I think we need a bit of cheering up around here..."

Before James could say anything else, two unicorns, one blue and one pink, popped out of the bushes. "Jaaaaaaaaaames!" the blue unicorn wailed.

James fell back onto his behind, startled by the high-pitched, indescribably annoying voice.

The unicorns then spoke again. "Reeeeeeeeeeeemus! Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiirius!"

Peter was the only one who looked amused by the odd unicorns. "Hey, do you guys know MY name?" he asked with a big smile.

The unicorns ignored him. "Wanna come with us on an adveeeeeeeeentuuuuuuuuuuure?" asked the pink unicorn, looking intently at James and Sirius.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Will you stop taaaaaaaaaalking like thiiiiiiiiiiiis? It's giving me a miiiiiiiiiigraaaaaaaaaaaaaine!!"

"Fair deal," said the blue unicorn, keeping it's high-pitched voice, but not elongating the vowels as much. "Wanna come on our adventure?"

"Yes, our adventure?" echoed the pink unicorn.

James leaned over and whispered in Remus' ear. "I'm losing I.Q. points just by standing here!" Remus nodded, unable to speak.

Sirius rose an eyebrow. "What kind of adventure?"

The pink unicorn smiled wider than it already was. "To Candy Mountain, boys! Candy Mountain!"

The blue unicorn continued. "It's a land of sugar and joy and...joyness!"

"JOYNESS?" Remus scoffed. "Sorry, but I don't go on adventures with ANYONE who can't speak with proper grammatical structure!"

"Yes, you does!" Sirius said, poking Remus' shoulder.

"Sorry, but we'll pass..." James said, skeptically.

The blue unicorn suddenly jumped into the air. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" it yelled, pinning Peter to the ground and beginning to bounce on him. "You HAVE to come with us to Candy Mountain!"

"Getting...sick...help...James..." Peter said between bounced from the annoying blue unicorn.

"Fine we'll go to Candy Mountain," said James finally. The blue unicorn finally got off Peter, but he needed Remus' help to get his feet again. The blue and pink unicorns then suddenly pranced out on ahead of the group to begin their epic journey.

Sirius looked at his three friends. "Okay, who else here now hates unicorns?"

All four Marauders instantly raised their hands.

* * *

The two annoying unicorns led the Marauders deeper and deeper into the woods. They'd been walking for a few long hours. Sirius and James were tired, Peter was huffing and puffing, and Remus could barely walk a straight line.

"Exactly how much longer is it going to be to this Candy Fantasyland Place?" asked James.

"Hey, did any of you realize we've got two horny HORSES—shut UP, Prongs—and we've been WALKING all this time?!" asked Sirius.

Remus called out to the unicorns leading the way. "Hey, mind if you let us ride on your backs?"

The two unicorns ignored him. "We're at our first stop!" announced the pink unicorn. The four Marauders and the two 'horny horses' stopped in front of what looked like a large blue-and-orange blob lying in the path.

"If this is Candy Mountain..." Sirius said skeptically.

"Ugh, must be French candy," James said. Remus poked James in the shoulder.

"Um, you guys know that there IS NO Candy Mountain, right? I would have read about it if—"

The two unicorns looked at Remus with their dopey faces all twisted. "Shun the non-believer!" demanded the pink unicorn.

"SHUUUUUUUUN!"

"SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

Sirius looked at Peter. "Wormtail, why are YOU shunning Moony?!"

Peter looked down at his feet, embarrassed. "I just liked the sounds they were making!"

James looked at the blue unicorn and knitted his eyebrows together. "So, what the bloody hell is this thing and how is it going to help us?"

The pink unicorn answered. "It's a magical leoplurodon! It's going to tell us the way to Candy Mountain!"

Remus tugged on James' shirt and pulled him aside. "I think i would know if those leo-dicaprio-whatsits existed...and i don't think they do!"

Sirius and James exchanged shrugs.

Suddenly, the mystical leoplurodon spoke its' wisdom:

"Blubbblelbblub!"

The two unicorns cheered.

"He has spoken!"

"He has shown us the way!!" announced the blue unicorn. Both pranced merrily on ahead. Peter and Sirius ran to catch up with them, James, taking a second to rub his aching calves, dragged on behind. Remus stood still, completely perplexed.

"HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!!"

* * *

After another hour, the six travelers (the four human ones tired and aching like mad) made it to an unsteady rope bridge. The two unicorns began their way across. The four Marauders stepped onto the bridge so that all six of them were on the bridge at once. But the unicorns didn't move.

"Well, are you moronic imbeciles going to move on ahead or what?" asked James, who was directly behind them.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOYSS!" warbled the blue unicorn suddenly. The pink unicorn then began echoing.

"BOOOOOOOOOYS!"

"I hate my life," moaned Remus as the unicorns continued their wailing.

"Who else wants to jump off this thing?" asked Peter.

Sirius turned around to Peter. "By all means, you go first. We'll follow you as you plummet a hundred meters to your death."

"I COULD be working on my Herbology essay by now—"

"—Moony, stop it!" warned James.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOYS!" yelled the blue unicorn. James, having enough of this, cracked.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS IT?!?!?" he yelled, silencing the unicorns.

"We're on a bridge, Boys!" said the pink unicorn. The six travelers were silent with either rage, awe, or ignorance. Sirius turned to Peter again.

"We'll jump on three..."

* * *

After crossing the bridge, the pesky unicorns led the four Marauders on for another hour. The sun was going to be setting soon, and they needed to get back to the castle before supper.

But alas, the unicorns led them up a hill, where a giant pile of candy with a gaping black hole in the bottom labeled "Candy Mountain Cave" sat. Peter glowed. Remus scorned with disbelief. Sirius wondered what drugs he was on, and James was speechless for once in his life. The two unicorns cheered.

"Yay! Here it is!"

"Candy Mountain!"

Remus blinked twice. "I'll be damned, there really is a Candy Mountain!"

The blue unicorn turned to the Marauders, all standing in a line, completely at a loss for words. "Go inside the Candy Mountain Cave Boys!"

"Yeah, go inside!" chimed in the pink unicorn.

James looked at Sirius and shook his head. "Yeah, thanks but no thanks. We're going to stay out here."

"Yeah," said Sirius and Peter together, nodded with James. Remus still felt a little skeptical about this whole grand 'adventure.'

The unicorns whined in unison. "No! But you HAAAVE to go inside the Candy Mountain Cave!"

Suddenly, a burst of loud, happy music filled the air. The Marauders jumped a foot off the ground in surprise as the five letters in the word "CANDY" on the Candy Mountain Cave sign came to life and began dancing around.

"Too much firewhiskey...too much firewhiskey..." Sirius chanted inside his head, trying to convince himself he was still sane. But the letter "Y" had already pranced up to him and begun to sing...

_Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up_

_Then just head right on up to the Candy Mountain Cave_

_When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land_

_Such a happy, and joyful and perky merry land_

_We've got lollipops, and gummy drops, and candy things_

_Oh, so many things that will brighten up your day_

_It's impossible to wear a frown in Candy Town_

_It's the Mecca of lovely candy cave!!_

"I'm not sane, I'm NOT SANE!!!" cried out an alarmed James. The letter "A" was doing a cha-cha step on his shoulder, and James tried to swat it off like a mosquito to no avail. The letter "C" was tugging incessantly on Remus' robes, and he too, couldn't do anything about it. Peter was happily and voluntarily dancing in a circle, holding hands with "N" and "D."

Sirius tried to make a break for it, but he was stopped by the letter "Y" singing his second verse...

_We've got jelly beans and coconuts with little hats_

_Candy rats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets_

_Ride the candy train to town hear the candy band, candy bells_

_It's a treat as they march across the land_

_Cherry ribbons stream across the sky into the ground_

_Turn around, and zounds! It's a dancing candy tree..._

Peter looked in several different directions. There were trees, but none of them were made of candy, and none were dancing. ...

_In the candy cave imagination runs so free_

_So now, Young Boys, please will you go into the cave?_

As quickly as the letters had appeared, they had exploded into nothingness again. Peter cried out in alarm. Sirius quickly smoothed his unruly hair. Remus brushed his robes off, and James was beet red in the face as the unicorns looked at the four of them expectantly.

James had had enough of this. "Alright, FINE! We'll go inside the cave!"

Remus looked at James with a scared look. "W...we will?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and groaned, going into the cave first. "This had better be pretty good!" James, Peter, and Remus followed him inside the cave, in that order.

There was nothing inside the cave. It was pitch black, but there was no candy, or joy, or dancing trees.

From outside the cave, the two unicorns leaned in the entrance.

"Goodbye, Boys!" said the blue unicorn.

"Yes, goodbye!" chimed in the pink unicorn.

James whipped his head around. "Goodbye?! WHAT?!"

Before any of them could run back to the outside of the cave, a huge, heavy door was slammed shut, and the four boys were slammed into darkness.

"Oh Merlin!" cried out Remus.

"HelllOOO??" Sirius called out. "Did anyone bring a wand?"

None of the boys had.

Suddenly, a loud **THUNK** was heard...

"Prongs! Wormtail's gone down!" cried Sirius.

**THWACK!**

"PADFOOT!" cried James.

**THUD!!**

James was down. Remus smacked his forehead. "I knew I should have finished that essay for—"

**WHAM!!**

* * *

Meanwhile outside the 'Candy Mountain Cave,' the two unicorns were laughing their heads off. Literally, their heads were disappearing. Or, rather, NOT disappearing, but turning back into their original heads: the heads of Lily Evans and Severus Snape.

"This idea was brilliant, Severus! They never suspected!"

"This will teach them to pull my trousers down in front of the entire dining hall!"

Lily added, "and to steal my underwear from my room!"

Snape and Lily shook hands as their unicorn selves melted away. "Thank Merlin I read about this in the Restricted section!"

Snape held out his hand for Lily's. "Shall we head back for supper?"

"Wait...we have ONE MORE thing to do before we go..."

* * *

"Ugh...wha happened?" Sirius moaned, the first to awake. They were outside the Candy Cave now, but something was different. He looked around and suddenly knew what it was. He quickly shook the other three boys awake, all laying on their backs, groggy and fairly helpless.

"PRONGS! WORMTAIL! MOONY! THEY TOOK ALL OUR CLOTHES!!!!"

The boys shot up upon hearing this to discover that they were completely naked. They scrambled around to find their belongings, but they weren't in sight. James; Invisibility Cloak was missing as well.

Peter looked more panicked and flushed than the other three. "Does this means we don't get any candy after all?!"


	4. Coming Home

"Coming Home"**—a Remus/Tonks Drama****

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Looking at herself in the bathroom mirror at her parent's house, Tonks smiled at herself. She didn't know what the bloody hell all those Muggles meant by a "motherly glow." She looked exactly the same as she always had. Okay, maybe her hair was a little pinker, and it was shoulder-length tonight rather than the usual spiky-short. She was a little taller too. Tonks felt like a stone was sitting in her stomach. She may have felt happy, but she wasn't quite sure how her parents or Remus would react. After all, they were in the middle of a full-out war. The Second Great War. Tonks wouldn't be able to fulfill her duties as an Auror for nine months. She'd have to play mommy and Remus would have to play daddy. No way in hell was Remus going ANYWHERE to fight with a baby on the way, at least if she had a say in it.

Tonks' parents, and Remus, were downstairs in the den having tea. Remus thought Tonks was upstairs just going to the bathroom. But Tonks wanted to prepare herself. This was no light piece of news.

She crossed her eyes and her face became a unicorn face. That usually cheered her up. She crossed them again and became Sirius in everything but hair. Tonks frowned. What would Sirius have to say about her having a baby in the midst of a war like this? Would he be happy for his family and longtime friend? Sirius WAS a daredevil. He'd probably have the notion for Tonks to have the baby while still keeping on duty, or maybe the child would receive a special charm or something for being born on a battlefield. Or would he go against it, saying it was a dangerous time to be giving birth. Remember what happened to James and Lily Potter…

Tonks morphed herself again into Mad-Eye Moody's face. What would the man who taught her everything about being an Auror say about this? Tonks did have an easier time imagining what Mad-Eye's two-cents would be. It would take her away from her duties as an Auror for a year until the baby was born. This was a time they needed every fighter they could get. Babies are for peacetime. Tonks wished Mad-Eye was alive to at least hear the news.

Tonks shifted shape one more time. This time to the image of her husband, Remus Lupin. Remus' reaction could go one of two ways. He would either be thrilled beyond a shadow of a doubt. Or…and this was the most likely reason…he'd be devastated. Tonks knew Remus' main concern about having a baby wasn't the times, but that fact that he could potentially be a werewolf by birth. Even an infant werewolf could be dangerous. Not to mention, all the prejudices in the world against werewolves. Who would want to bring a child into a world of bigotry against him?

Tonks pondered this as she came back to her normal look. Her hair, still bright pink, faded only a little bit as she realized that this wouldn't be an easy announcement. But…why shouldn't her parents and Remus be happy for her? Remus was going to be a father! Werewolf or not, there were ways to get around it. Remus had no other option but to be happy! Sirius had told the two of them once that he wished he could have a child of his own, but his only girlfriend, Bastet, had died 14 years ago while confronting Wormtail about his betrayal of the Potter family. If she had survived, Sirius had assured Remus and Tonks that he'd probably have two children by now…and they'd probably be of school age by now as well. Tonks had smiled. Sirius, wild and crazy lunatic he was, certainly had a soft spot for children deep inside him. Just observing his protective nature with his godson Harry Potter, was enough to assure anyone that Sirius was great father material. Perhaps when one died, they just fell into a whole other world, just the same as the previous one? Tonks hoped so. Then, she knew Sirius would have found Bastet, and they would have a nice big family started by now.

This last thought comforted Tonks enough for her hair to brighten up again. She sighed and decided that she needed to spread the news before her confidence crapped out on her. She slowly went down the stairs and smiled with she saw Remus talking with her parents, Andromeda and Ted Tonks. Remus looked up as she came down the stairs and gave a small, weak smile. Tonks beamed back, ignoring the fact that his smile seemed artificial.

"Mum, Dad, Remus?" Tonks took a deep breath and looked at Remus straight in the eyes. Ted and Andromeda Tonks looked up at their daughter.

"What is it, Dora?" asked Ted.

"I'm…I'm going to have a baby," Tonks spat out, a little quicker than she anticipated. Andromeda and Ted looked at each other and gasped in delight. Andromeda stood up and hugged her daughter.

"Oh god! Congratulations, Dora!" she said with an ecstatic and excited tone in her voice.

Ted shook hands with Remus. "Couldn't wait to start a family, could you, Remus?" Ted laughed.

Meanwhile, Tonks looked at Remus, who hadn't said a word. He was giving her a blank stare. No smile, no frown. Nothing. Just an empty stare at the woman who just announced she was carrying his baby.

That couldn't be a good thing.

* * *

That night, Tonks felt incredibly awkward as she and Remus prepared for bed. Remus was taking a long time in the shower. Maybe he was waiting for Tonks to fall asleep so he wouldn't have to say anything? Tonks hair went from her bubble-gum pink to a deep, depressing blue, and it grew out several more inches. Tonks, who preferred her hair short, knew that whenever her hair grew out, she was moderately depressed, at least. Tonks brushed it out and sighed to herself. He hadn't said a word to her. Then again, he didn't have the time, Andromeda and Ted were smothering the two of them, then insisted on breaking out the butterbeer (Tonks just drank water) and toasting the pregnancy.

Tonks sat up on the edge of the bed she shared with Remus and waited for him to come back into the room. To pass the time until he did, Tonks took out the small wedding album Fleur Delacoeur had put together for her and Remus as a gift. Tonks and Remus had a very small, quiet wedding with only a few witnesses, because stirring up such a fuss was dangerous for two order members. Mad-Eye Moody had married them, and Mrs. Weasley had made a small but very delicious wedding cake. Tonks' dress wasn't elaborate or puffy. She'd just worn a white sleeveless dress with an a-line skirt that reached a little lower than her knees. Instead of a veil, Tonks wore roses to accent her hair…which was the brightest pink it had ever been. Remus had washed up nicely for the wedding, but, clearly, from the photos, both posed and candid, his eyes were still worn and beyond his years. He looked moderately happy in the photos with Tonks, but he wasn't beaming like she was. Did…did he even love her?

That was when Remus walked in. He was dressed in a green bathrobe, and his long hair was wet and combed back out of his face. Tonks put the album aside and turned around to face her spouse.

"You didn't say much downstairs," Tonks said blankly. "Well?"

"Well what?" was Remus' reply.

"Well WHAT?" Tonks said, offended. Her hair went from blue to fiery red in and instant. "The baby, Remus! You never told me how you feel!"

Remus shook his head and sat down on the other side of the bed, his back to his wife. Tonks gritted her teeth together.

"What were we thinking, Dora?" Remus asked.

"What was that?" asked Tonks, climbing over the bed so she could sit beside Remus.

"What the bloody hell were we thinking, getting married and having a baby here and now? It was a stupid idea," he muttered.,

"A STUPID IDEA?" Tonks raised her voice significantly. "Getting married and having a baby was a STUPID IDEA?"

"It was a huge mistake. Now's not the right time for a baby," Remus said lightly.

Tonks couldn't believe her ears. "Well, SIR," she began. "If you knew it was a bad idea, then why didn't you just keep you wand to yourself?"

"Excuse me? My WHAT?" Remus said, looking at Tonks.

"I didn't exactly conceive this baby myself, Remus! If you didn't want to have a baby, then you shouldn't have gotten you wand out on our wedding night!" Tonks said, folding her arms and knitting her eyebrows together.

"Like it would have done much good," Remus retorted. "You were on me like a hippogriff during mating season!"

"I would have understood if you had told me we needed to wait!" Tonks said. "I can't believe you assumed I'd blow up at you and yell—"

"—like you are now!" Remus interrupted.

"Can you blame me now?" Tonks asked. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Andromeda peaked her head into the room.

"Is everything okay in here?" she asked.

Tonks put a hand up. "Everything's fine, Mum. We're just discussing something," she said.

Andromeda nodded. "Well, be quiet, because your father's asleep."

"Sorry," said Remus. Andromeda smiled and shut the door. Tonks turned to Remus again.

"Whatever you said or thought before, I'm pregnant now. It's too late," said Tonks. "So why can't you be happy? You're gonna be a father and I'm gonna be a mother! Isn't that exciting?"

"No, just the opposite!" Remus said. "Look at the times! Look at where everyone else is right now! Harry, Ron, and Hermione are on the run from the Death Eaters, nearly everyone else is either in hiding or being tracked, You-Know-Who has taken over the Ministry! This isn't what you need right now!" Remus said.

"On the contrary," said Tonks. "I think we BOTH need this now," she said quietly.

"But even before the new Ministry, anti-werewolf laws were coming out every other month! I have suffered so much all my life. Do you think I would want any other being on earth to suffer like I do?"

"Well, who says our baby is even a werewolf?" said Tonks. "Who says he isn't a Metamorphagus like me? Or maybe he's neither? Maybe he's not even a wizard? Maybe he's a Squib! He is no more likely to be a werewolf than he is any of those things…"

"Yes he is. Werewolves DON'T breed! I'm probably the only werewolf in Europe with a pregnant wife! Hell, I might be the only werewolf WITH a wife!" said Remus. "None of us deserve this."

"Don't you ever see the light in things? You are so negative it's irritating! You didn't want to marry me because you're a werewolf, and ever since were did marry, all you've done is mope and mope more about how you should be with the Order more and how we rushed into marriage and we should have given ourselves more time! Don't you even just sit back and let yourself be happy? We got MARRIED! We're starting a FAMILY! Isn't there anything good you can see in that, Remus?" asked Tonks. She stood up and went to the mirror to get a tissue so Remus couldn't see that tears were coming.

"I insisted that you needed someone younger. I insisted that you needed someone different," Remus said. "I warned you I came with baggage!"

"But I still chose you! Doesn't that say anything about how much I love you?"

Remus didn't stir. "I WARNED you that I was like this! That I was too old, too poor, too dangerous…"

Tonks' jaw dropped as she turned around to face Remus again. "So now you're using your being a werewolf as an excuse for your negativity?" she asked with a disapproving tone to her voice.

Remus looked at Tonks. Tonks looked back at Remus. "Get out," Tonks said. "I don't want you here right now."

Remus stood up. "Nymphadora—"

Tonks pulled away from Remus as he tried to embrace her. "Don't you DARE call me that. I SAID…get out. I can't sleep in the same bed with you tonight…" Tonks pointed at the door with the last shred of dignity she had left. She had just poured herself out to her husband, and he still remained cold as ice.

Remus silently went to the door and grabbed his half-unpacked suitcase. Without looking back, he left Tonks all alone.

Maybe he should pay a visit to Grimmauld Place. Harry might be hiding there…maybe he needed help with his journey…

* * *

Finding himself again on the street a few days later, Remus stood on a street corner in London a mile down the road from Grimmauld place. He'd found Harry, Ron, and Hermione where he thought they were, and he'd proposed that they allow him to come with them on their trip to destroy the Horcruxes of Voldemort. But after Remus had told them about Tonks' 'condition,' Harry had blown up at Remus, saying how ashamed he was of Remus and how James wouldn't have appreciated Remus abandoning Tonks and his unborn son or daughter. Remus ended up not being able to tolerate Harry's rage and he let himself back outside. Why was it Harry sounded just like Tonks? Was it because he was right?

Tonks was bearing his child. And he was ready to run off with three kids on a dangerous adventure that could potentially kill him. Come to think of it…that DID sound a little inappropriate. It was definitely an irresponsible thing to leave his family behind just for some thrills, and potential leave Tonks a widow and the baby without a father.

This was a lot like that day at the hospital, after Tonks insisted that because Fleur still loved Bill after he was bitten, that Remus shouldn't use his werewolf-ness to avoid Tonks anymore. Everyone had felt that Tonks and Remus would be a nice pair. Eventually, Remus was cornered, and after Dumbledore's funeral, he found himself getting down on one knee and proposing.

Tonks was right. Maybe they both did need to bring a child into the world now. It would certainly help change his negative disposition on life. It would help Tonks stay away from the front lines, where she could easily be killed (Tonks DIDN'T like this…she said she'd rather die fighting for a noble cause than play housewife all day and make pies).

Remus decided that he belonged at home with Tonks as she grew and as the baby grew inside her. She'd need help with a lot of things, and she'd definitely need help when the 'glorious' day came that she gave birth to their son/daughter. Then, there was raising the child. No one could properly raise a baby on their own, and IF the child was a werewolf, Tonks would need more help from Remus than ever.

Wandering around and around, before long, Remus caught sight of the Tonks house. Outside, mother and daughter were casting charms on plants so they wouldn't die during the early fall frosts. Remus knew he was probably imagining it, but Tonks already seemed bigger around the breasts and belly. Her hair was mousy brown and ran almost down to her butt. She wasn't very happy right them, despite the smile on her face as she talked with Andromeda.

"Ahem…" Remus cleared his voice. Well, here it goes…come what may, Remus knew he could never turn back now. Tonks turned her body to look at her husband. Remus had to smile as her hair nearly automatically went from brown to purple to pink.

Remus took a deep breath. "I'm home."


	5. Marauders on a Rainy Day

**"Marauders on a Rainy Day"—a Brand New, Never-Before-Seen Comedy **

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"So, remind me again why we're all at MY house?" Lily Evans half-asked, half-moaned as she and the infamous Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and her new boyfriend, Prongs, were sitting in her den in the basement of her house. It was Easter break their seventh year, and they all were lying across the couches, bored as hell as it poured outside. Lily sat on James' lap. Remus was on the opposite end of the sofa, looking through a textbook. Peter and Sirius were playing Wizard Chess on the shag-carpeted floor in front of the TV.

"Because you're Muggleborn, and you're sister freaks out every times she sees us…" said James.

"…which makes it funnier for us," said Sirius. "Knight to G4…"

Peter moaned. "You took my Queen!" His shoulders dropped as the white knight smacked the mickey out of the black queen.

"Life sucks," Sirius nodded, scooping up the remains of the black Queen and tossing on top of his huge pile of black chess pieces. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Did it ever occur to you that none of us have the Trace on us anymore, we're all of age?" Lily moaned. "And yet we're all just sitting here around a black TV set when we could be…I don't know…NOT SITTING IN THE BASEMENT?!?!"

James suddenly smiled mischievously. "Good idea, Lily-Flower! ORGY TIME!" he shouted playfully, grabbing Lily around the waste. Sirius perked up and grinned.

"I LOVE Orgy Time!!" Sirius said. Lily shrieked and pulled away from James, taking her own seat on the lounge chair beside the sofa.

"Evidentally, Bastet's not satisfying our Love Machine," Remus muttered, not even bothering to look up from his book.

Sirius groaned. "She's fine, but not here! She has to spend some time with her…gah…GRANDFATHER."

"What's so bad about him?" asked Peter, taking one of Sirius' pawns.

"He smells like a combination of urine and feet," Sirius said, nearly gagging.

"Well, so does Snivellus, but we haven't died…yet," James said. Lily winced when she heard the name 'Snivellus.'

"So…what to do?" Sirius muttered to himself. "It's a won game, Worms. Might as well surrender now before I take your last bishop and checkmate you."

"Fine," Peter grumbled.

"We can see what's on the tele," Lily suggested. "It's the holiday, but there has to be SOMETHING!" She reached for the remote control and flipped the TV on. Indeed, not much was on at all. "Nope, just a bunch of kiddie shows and news stations reporting on all the tragedies of the Muggle world," she moaned as she kept flipping.

"Hold on, hold on!" Sirius said, begging Lily to go back. "I thought I just saw something interesting?"

Lily flipped back. She had to snort back a laugh. "Padfoot, this is a kiddie show called 'Sesame Street.' It's American, but Mumsie gets it here for some reason."

"Merlin, that big yellow bird is HUGE!" James said, genuinely astounded. "He's a Phoenix?"

"No, a Muppet," Lily said, looking at Remus. Remus, who also had experience with the Muggle realm (unlike Padfoot and Prongs), had to hold back a booming laugh that was ready to explode in his throat.

"It's meant to teach little kids about numbers and letters," Remus said.

"Hey, that's my Aunt Roberta!" Wormtail said happily.

"No," said Lily, shaking her head. "That's COOKIE MONSTER!"

All four people who weren't Wormtail burst out laughing. Wormtail blushed. Lily flipped off the TV. Sirius turned to Lily.

"So what do you propose we should do now?"

Lily looked around the room and thought a moment. "Well, we have some board games…"

"As if we weren't bored enough!" James moaned. "I still think Orgy Time is a pretty good idea."

"We have Life!" Lily said excitedly, bouncing up and running to get a huge brightly-colored box and running back to the group. She shoved the chessboard aside and automatically began setting up.

"Lily-Flower," James said. "I think we ALL have Life. Otherwise we'd be dead."

"It's a game, you git!" Lily said, setting up without missing a beat. "Come on, everyone! I'll show you how to play! It's really quite fun!"

* * *

"Five…six…seven…"

"Okay Sirius, now pick up a life card!" Lily directed. The game had all four Marauders completely mesmerized (expect Remus, who'd played before). James was a plumber and lived in a brick Tudor house with a son, and Sirius was thrilled that he was a doctor living in a beach house. Sirius drew a card and read it to himself. He suddenly beamed.

"I got twins! TWINS!" Sirius grinned, taking two little pegs and holding them up right next to his eyes to get a closer look. Lily laughed. They were nothing but two little pink pegs. "They're so BEAUTIFUL! Two chips off the ol' block, wouldn't you say, Prongsie?"

"Can I be the godfather??" asked James, seemingly just as interested in Sirius' new arrival. Wormtail groaned.

"I STILL don't have any kids, AND I'm not a godfather!"

"If I have a baby, you can be the godfather, Worms," said Remus.

"There's NO godfathering in the game of Life!" Lily said, exasperated. Sirius looked at Lily with a mean face and tutted as he shook his head.

"Yes there IS!" he said. "I'm little James Jr's godfather!"

Remus rolled his eyes and looked at Lily. "Lily, let them have their fun, what else are we going to do other than watch the Big Muppet Phoenix on tele talk to Wormtail's Aunt Cookie Monster?"

"Life sucks," Wormtail moaned.

"Not for me," Sirius said, grinning. "I'm a FATHER! Bastet's going to flip when she hears we have TWINS!"

James suddenly grinned evilly, getting an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. "Call her. Call her and tell her!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, right, sure James."

"I DARE you! Ten galleons says you wimp out!" James said, digging into his pocket and taking out ten gold coins, laying them in front of Sirius. Remus grinned and dug into his pocket. Significantly poorer than James, Remus could only provide three sickles and a knut to the pot.

"I'm in!" Remus said. Lily laughed and went through her own pocket, extracting two galleons and four knuts, and slamming them down in front of Sirius.

"You three are insane," Sirius said proudly. "And I have taught you well. Lils, where's the phone?"

"Over on the coffee table by the stairs," Lily said, pointing. Sirius took the phone off the hook and brought it as far as the cord would let it go. "It's old too, and loud. We'll all be able to hear what she says!"

"Lily, babe, you would know what her phone number is!" Sirius said. "How many of these little buttons do I push?"

"Her number s 867-5309," said Lily. "And call me 'babe' one more time and you'll being using that phone as a toothbrush!" James smiled and flirtageously put an arm around his girlfriend.

"That number's got rhythm to it!" he said. Sirius rolled his eyes and dialed the number. After two ring tones, a female voice, though a little deeper than Lily's voice, answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"And MEAN it, Padfoot, don't wuss out now," James warmed. Wormatil snorted and giggled to himself.

Sirius practically screamed into the phone. "HELLO BASTET!!! IT'S PADDY-BEAR!!!!'

Bastet's voice could be heard laughing. "Quiet down, I can hear you."

"So can the neighbors," Lily warned.

"Guess what, Bastet, baby?"

"Call me 'baby' one more time and you'll be using that phone as a toothbrush!"

Lily grinned at Sirius. Remus chuckled.

"But what happened, Pads?"

Sirius said the next few lines as a professional actor would. "I'm a father! Twice! I had twins!"

"Sirius, must I explain to you AGAIN that men can't carry babies?" Bastet's voice sounded exasperated, as if they'd gone through that before.

"No, I just had TWINS! Can you believe it?!"

A pause and a moment of silence followed.

"Sirius, you're playing Life again, aren't you?"

Lily's jaw dropped. "AGAIN, Sirius?! You told ME you never played!!"

"I am, in fact, playing the game of Life, Bastet! Goodbye!"

"HOLD ON, just a minute, Buster!" Bastet's voice said. "Are you behaving?"

Sirius' voice suddenly went from excited to almost remorseful, like a child being scolded. "Yes, Bastet."

"Good, because Lily's going to tell me EVERYTHING, right? She can hear me, right?"Lily called loudly. "YES!"

"Good," said Bastet. Now I have to go spoon-feed Grandpa his…ugh…pudding."

Sirius licked his lips. "Hey, that sounds sexy! Maybe when you get back, you can spoon-feed ME my pudding—"

The dial tone rang out in Sirius ear. Bastet had hung up.

James looked at Remus, who looked at Lily, who looked at Wormtail, who looked at James. After a moment of dead silence, all four of them burst out laughing.

"Sure laugh it up, but I just got twelve galleons, three sickles, and five knuts richer!" Sirius said, scooping up his loot and dumping it into his pocket.

"Speaking of which, Padfoot's treating us all to a round of firewhiskey!" James announced. Sirius scowled, but shrugged and smiled after a moment.

"Fair deal."

Lily had to grin. Even though it was an average rainy Saturday afternoon, with the Marauders in her basement, nothing could ever really be average.


	6. Preview of Most Insane School Days

_**The Marauders Now Present a Special Sneak Peek of:**_

_**"The Most Insane School Days of the Sisters Black"**_

* * *

The prefect's compartment was triple the size of any other in the train. When Andromeda got there, she was greeted almost instantly by none other than Gryffindor prefects Remus Lupin…and some redheaded girl whom Andromeda didn't know right off the bat. Remus smiled as she appeared.

"Andromeda! Good to see you!" Remus said. Andromeda smiled. He was too friendly to like her in a way other than friendship. Andromeda nodded. "I didn't know you were a—"

"—well, I didn't exactly hang around long after you rescued me this morning!" Andromeda said with a smile. The redheaded girl seemed to be cautious around Andromeda, for she too wore the red and gold Gryffindor robes, and Andromeda' Slytherin robes seemed to set her off.

Remus turned to the girl and lightly tapped her shoulder. "This is Andromeda Black, Sirius' cousin! Oh…the good one, I mean!"

"Remus, that's not a nice thing to say……..Cissy still has hope."

Remus laughed. The redheaded girl smiled lightly, seemeing to loosen up.

"And this is Lily Evans, female prefect for Gryffindor this year," Remus introduced. A suddenly bell rang out in Andromeda's head.

"Oh! You're the one James Potter wants to shag!" she blurted out, before quickly realizing what popped out of her mouth and quickly slammed it shut with horror. Lily didn't seem impressed or horrfied. In fact, she seemed kind of amused by it.

"Don't worry, I know all about Potter," Lily said with a tone of disgrace about her voice. She looked at Remus and groaned. "I really wish you would get him off it."

"What can I do? He's James Potter, and I'm a lowly prefect," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Ah!" Andromeda suddenly yelped in surprise. A tall boy with mousey brown hair and deep blue eyes had bumped into her from the back. She whipped her head around to look at the clumsy boy. Another prefect, no doubt. This boy wore the robes of Hufflepuff.

"Sorry," muttered the boy. He took his first real look at Andromeda and blushed. "Sorry..." he muttered again, much softer. Andromeda nodded skeptically and allowed the Hufflepuff prefect to pass into the apartment. Remus, Lily, and Andromeda all took seats by the window. After the rest of the eight prefects had filed in, Professor Celestia, a chipper young witch, and teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts and head of Slytherin House, sat down to begin the meeting.

"First, I will do roll call…say your name when I call it," said Celestia. "Lily Evans?"

"Present!" Andromeda smirked, noting that Lily sat perched on the edge of her seat like a little pigeon, eager and ready to please.

"Hugo Mince?"

"Here!"

"Ophelia Elsinore?"

"Here!" said a blonde-haired girl in Ravenclaw Robes.

"Viola Illyria?"

"I'm here," said the Hufflepuff female prefect.

"Theodore Tonks?"

"Present," muttered the clumsy Hufflepuff boy who tripped over Andromeda seconds earlier.

"Remus Lupin?"

"Yes, here," said Remus, even going to the extent of raising his hand a little bit.

"Andromeda Black?"

Before Andromeda could confirm her presence, the Ravenclaw pair began muttering with the Hufflepuff pair. Andromeda was able to pick up on some conversation…

"Black? As in the House of Black?" asked Viola.

"Yep," said Hugo, proud to be the male prefect to Andromeda's female prefect.

"Bellatrix's younger sister?" asked Theodore, looking at Andromeda as if she were a freak in a sideshow at a Muggle circus. That's how Andromeda felt. Like she was on display for the others to mutter about. Why did the Blacks have such a bad reputation?

"Yes, yes, Ted," said Hugo. Andromeda rolled her eyes at Remus, who bit his lip. Lily didn't make any gestures, she just sat and twiddled her thumbs.

"I hear that they want to wipe out all the Muggle-borns and make a pureblooded wizard society!"

"I hear that they want to shut down Hogwarts and open up a pureblood-only school in it's place!"

Theodore looked uncomfortable when they began talking about Muggle-borns, Andromeda noted. Perhaps he was one.

"Wow, who'd have thought a Black would actually become a prefect here? They're a troublesome bunch!" warned Ophelia. "Just look at that Sirius…"

"I beg to differ," said Andromeda. "You know, we Blacks may be a troublesome bunch, but we're not deaf, you know." The chatting then subsided. Theodore Tonks blushed again before turning away from Viola, his respective female prefect. Celestia looked at the group before moving on with roll call.

After the meeting was finished, Remus, Andromeda, and Lily were out in the corridor heading back to their own compartments.

"I don't want to go back and sit with Bella and Cissy," whined Andromeda. "Bella's teaching Cissy how to charm pureblooded boys."

"You don't care if people are purebloods, do you?" asked Lily, twiddling with a necklace. Andromeda quickly shook her head.

"Actually, I'd sooner marry a werewolf," Andromeda muttered. Remus suddenly coughed and looked around awkwardly. "You alright?" asked Andromeda.

"Fine," said Remus.

"You should come sit with me then!" said Lily excitedly. "I'm sitting with Bastet Pollux and Morgaine Pendragon two cars up…"

"Actually, I don't think it's a good idea to leave Cissy alone with Bella too long. The poor girl would have to spend six months in St. Mungo's to clear her head."

Remus and Lily laughed at this. Lily nodded. "I'll see you later, then!" Lily took off down the hall towards her own compartment after that. Remus looked at Andromeda.

"You sure? I could come with you…"

"Um, no thanks. We'll be arriving soon. I'm sure Sirius and James will want to see you back so they can mock you about being a good little prefect…"

"Yes, that's exactly what they're going to do." Remus moaned. Andromeda just stared at Remus for a minute and smiled mildly.

"Who was that chubby boy that followed you three around last year?" asked Andromeda.

"Oh, that's Peter Pettigrew. James took him in," said Remus, making it sound like Peter was an orphaned student. Andromeda nodded curiously.

"Oh?"

"I personally don't like him very much, but we'll see," said Remus. "He's so quiet and awkward, you'd think he'd have a hidden agenda."

"I don't know," shrugged Andromeda. "Never judge a book by its cover, Remus."

"Indeed," Remus agreed.

Andromeda didn't speak after that. She looked down towards where her compartment was and sighed woefully. "Guess I'd better go…"

"We'll have to do a trip to Hogsmeade together sometime," said Remus.

"Bella never goes to Hogsmeade. She'd much rather use the free time to snog around," Andromeda rolled her eyes and said. Remus gave a hearty laugh. "So, have a nice rest-of-the-trip," she wished, before walking down the hall, not bothering to wait and see if Remus said anything back.


	7. Courage Comes in a Christmas Stocking

**"Courage Comes in a Christmas Stocking"****—A ****Remuscentric**** Holiday**** Drama**

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**

**Remus Lupin **_wants_ **courage**.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake! Don't you all have lives outside this place?!" yelled Molly Weasley rather exhaustedly as she came in to the dining room at 12 Grimmauld Place. She'd just finished wrapping a few gifts at home and had brought them over here to hide them from the prying eyes of her mischievous younger children (particularly Fred and George). Sitting in the dining room were Sirius Black, Nymphadora Tonks, with whom Sirius was playing cards, Mundungus Fletcher, who was just…sitting and looking around, and Remus Lupin, who was submerged in an old book he'd found. "It's Christmas Eve! Don't you all have families?! Tonks, I KNOW you do!"

Tonks shook her head. "Mum booted me out for the evening. Said I was getting on her nerves," said Tonks. "Best to wait until later to see if she's cooled down."

Sirius snorted a laugh. Molly raised an eyebrow. "What? I LIVE here!"

"Of all people, I'd have expected YOU to go sneaking around in the street tonight!" Molly scolded. "It's not healthy for young people…"

Remus and Mundungus both coughed sarcastically at the same time.

"…people, to be cooped up in such a small space on a holiday like this."

"Yes, mummy," Sirius said, adding a heavy fake tone of remorse to his voice. Molly let out a puny little groan.

Sirius laid down his hand. "Two pair, sevens over deuces."

Dung didn't say a word, he just sneezed rather forcefully. Molly looked at Remus, who'd amusedly listen to Molly's maternal rant up to this point. "Are you staying here tonight?" She seemed to be a bit gentler towards Remus than towards the other three.

"Yes," was his reply. "The heat in my flat is broken. Can't fix it magically, or else my Muggle landlord will get suspicious again." Molly bent down lower and glanced quickly at Tonks.

"You're waiting for a chance, aren't you? After what happened here a week ago, and don't think I didn't hear about…the way you—"

"—no," replied Remus bluntly.

Molly groaned and stood up straight again. "I swear, if Sirius got a brain, Dung got a heart, and Remus got some courage, maybe we all could be a little more Christmas-like in here!"

Sirius rolled his eyes at Molly. Molly groaned. Tonks glanced quickly at Remus and back down at her hand. She slammed her hand on the table. A pair of aces was all she had. "Fold."

Molly waited another second before speaking again. "Well, I'm going home. Happy Christmas, you four," Molly muttered. "Don't you spend all of tomorrow locked up in here…except for you, Sirius. I'll send Arthur or Bill over with some food, seeing as Remus is the only one around here who seems to know how to cook." Molly glared at Tonks, as if being the only other female in the room automatically was supposed to make her a gourmet chef. No one replied. Dung got up after about five more minutes and left without a word.

Remus could sense the tension in the room, now that it was down to him, Tonks, and Sirius. The clock ticked slowly against the back wall. Soon it would announce the hour: coming on eight PM. It ticked in time with the occasional crackling from the fireplace at the end of the long table. Sirius gave Remus a stern expression, to which he shrugged again. Sirius got up and yawned. "Well, I'm off to bed—"

"—WHY?!" Tonks and Remus caught each other off guard, literally yelling the word at the same time.

Sirius didn't respond, but he patted Tonks on the shoulder. "You'll be alright?"

"I'll get home safely. Let my mum have ten more minutes alone with her fancy Christmas china before I go breaking it again," Tonks assured Sirius. He looked at Remus next.

"You coming up, Moony? Regulus' old room is always made up," he asked. Remus shook his head.

"Not tired just yet. I'll be in the parlor, reading," Remus said, gathering his book and quickly leaving Tonks and Sirius alone. He scooted rather quickly into the small parlor in the next room and looked around for a spot to get cozy. Sirius, instead of going upstairs, followed Remus into the parlor.

"Moony, sometimes I wonder why you were ever a Marauder in the first place," Sirius moaned.

"Excuse me?" Remus asked, sitting on the sofa and opening his book again.

Sirius chuckled. "Of all things on Earth, your biggest fear is of women!"

Remus bit his lower lip and dog-eared his spot on his book so he could focus on his challenger.

"After what you did to Tonks last week, the least you could do is ask for her forgiveness. She was really brave the way she spoke to you like that, you know."

"Leave it alone," Remus insisted sternly.

Sirius groaned and turned to leave the room. He knew he was fighting a losing battle.

"Don't read too much more of that, mate. Your head might get even bigger than it already is."

Remus shrugged off Sirius' final words and found the place in his book where he'd left off and began to read again. After about an hour, he heard a crack from the kitchen, and he assumed Tonks had gone home. Sighing, he put one leg on the coffee table and lost his place in his book again.

What he'd done to Tonks the previous week had been a terrible thing. It hadn't been just the two of them at Grimmauld Place, but things were quiet enough. Dumbledore had sent for them to assemble at Grimmauld Place to make sure it was sturdy enough for meeting a place because of what was happening at Hogwarts with Harry Potter and the Triwizard Tournament. It had been a quiet day, so Sirius had broken out and become a dog in order to spy on his godson a little bit out of worry. Tonks was sitting in front of the fireplace with a cup of tea. Remus had joined her. Tonks, in her bravery, had asked a daring question. She asked Remus on a date. A question he'd never heard directed towards him in a long time.

The question was rather abruptly asked, and it took Remus by complete surprise.

Remus wanted to say yes. Why shouldn't he have? Tonks wasn't overly gorgeous, but she was happy and positive, pretty and perky, everything Remus lacked and needed in his life. He nearly did oblige to a date. But instead, he'd thought things through in his head first, as he'd always done. There were so many barriers, so many wrongs in this! She was entirely too young for him, he was a dangerous werewolf, of all things, and even if he wasn't a werewolf and they were the exact same age, Remus was entirely too poor to support her. Tonks' meager income as an Auror was more than he had stowed away in his pathetic little vault at Gringotts. But, instead of explaining all of this, he'd said, "No. I won't date you. Ever."

Only, instead of saying it politely, Remus had nearly barked it out, frustrated by the circumstance. As soon as he'd said it and realized HOW he said it, he regretted it. Tonks, in a rage of both anger and sadness, had left Grimmauld Place in despair and embarrassment (Molly, Sirius, Arthur and Mad-Eye Moody had been present in the room when it happened), and she refused to look Remus in the eye since. Molly was on Tonks' side, as were Sirius and Arthur Weasley.

And it made it even harder to think that all this time, Remus was kind of in love with Tonks too.

It had been that way all his life. Remus had always deprived himself of the things he wanted most in the world because he was too much of a coward to go the distance for them. For example, in his school days, Remus would've killed to be on the Quidditch team as a Beater. But he psyched himself out of going to the tryouts his fifth year, because he had the feeling he wouldn't make it. He'd never gone out on a date with any girl, and by the age of 36, which is what he was, having not gone out on a first date was pretty sad. But, how could any woman love him for who he was: a beast?

He was a chicken. A coward. A fraidy-cat. And he knew it.

Remus looked at the small set of animated pictures on the coffee table near his foot. He picked up one of James Potter, hugging his then fiancée, Lily Evans. Remus smiled, then felt a chill, wondering what his late friend would've have felt about Remus turning down what could have been his best-ever opportunity for happiness. Remus felt a hot tear lace the corner of his eye as he muttered a prayer to himself.

"James, I never ask for anything from you. I never ask any god or goddess or anyone for anything. But I just can't bring myself to get what I want. I'm too afraid. If only I had a little bravery in me…a little courage…a chance to prove myself….then maybe I can strive to be happy, like I was when you were here. You and Lily. Please just give me the courage to right what I have wronged, just this once. I don't think I'll get a chance at happiness like the one Nymphadora gave me. Please…"

Remus knew how dumb and childish he sounded, but it almost made him feel better.

Almost. Because praying for courage, especially now, at this most random of times, was like whipping out a quill and parchment and asking Santa for it. Remus knew that courage didn't come in a Christmas stocking. He could be such a baby at heart sometimes…but he didn't let this stop his mouth from mumbling. James' face could overpower so much…

"I want to be brave like you were. I…I want a chance to tell Tonks that I didn't mean to hurt her so horribly…"

Suddenly, before Remus could speak more, another crack echoed through the air. Remus, startled, got up and got out his wand, in case someone unwanted had Apparated in. He wandered back into the dining room, where he found Tonks sitting by the fireplace, where a roaring fire emphasized the shadows on her face. Her face was blank, and she still wore her electric blue scarf tied around her neck.

Remus felt his heart beat against his chest. Was this his chance at being courageous? Had James…actually…_heard _him?

"Nympha—Tonks?" Remus asked, remembering not to call Tonks by her first name (no matter how beautiful and poetic HE thought it was).

Tonks didn't turn around. "My mum's having a Christmas party with all of Dad's crazy drunkard Muggle friends. I'm staying the night here. Won't get any sleep otherwise. I'll take the sofa in the parlor. Sirius won't mind." Her sentences were short, blunt, and emotionless.

Tonks certainly sounded cold., but nevertheless, she turned around and looked Remus in the eye for the first time in a full week.

"Did you need something?" Remus bit his lip. Did he have his wish of bravery granted? Remus felt something rise in his throat. This was it…his big moment of courage!

"H…Happy Christmas, Tonks."

Damnit. Maybe he hadn't gotten his wish of bravery after all. Maybe it really was just his imagination. Happy Christmas, indeed. Remus was just as chicken as ever. Maybe he'd never get the nerve, after all.

But Tonks didn't wince, or roll her eyes, or turn away. She smiled and patted on the seat beside her, obviously inviting her to take the seat next to her.

Remus' shoulders relaxed. Then again…


	8. The Marauders' Chatroom

**"The Marauders ****Chatroom****"****—****An**** Internet Comedy **

**

* * *

**

**QuaffleKing69:** Hey guys, how groovy is this?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **This is like using a telephone, but you can READ the words instead of having to listen in!

**NewMoonRox**I certainly prefer this over the poor reception my telephone gets at home.

**GingerBlossom**Although I'd like it better if the 'Quaffle King' wasn't here!

**QuaffleKing69: **Oh, shut up, Evans!

**Wormtail12345678910: **Hi, my name is Peter. Nice to meet you all.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Ha, very funny Wormtail, we knew it was you.

**Wormtail12345678910: **How could you tell?

**NewMoonRox**Your screen name gives it away.

**Wormtail12345678910: **I hope I put enough numbers in.

**GingerBlossom**I think you're all set, Wormtail.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **So…now what do we do?

**NewMoonRox**Just…write, I guess.

**QuaffleKing69: **Did you all see Snivellus in DADA yesterday after Professor Celestia let the hinkypunks loose?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **He nearly went his knickers!

**GingerBlossom**That wasn't funny.

**QuaffleKing69: **Says his girlfriend.

**GingerBlossom**I am NOT!

**NewMoonRox**I must say, I prefer you two fighting THIS way over the normal way.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **And by 'fighting,' we of course mean 'flirting'!

**QuaffleKing69: **Why? And we are NOT flirting!

**GingerBlossom**There's one thing we agree on.

**NewMoonRox**We don't have to hear your voices ringing in our ears for the next several hours!

**QuaffleKing69: **Ha. Ha. Ha.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Hey Wormtail, you still with us?

**Wormtail12345678910: **Yes.

**GingerBlossom**Where did you go?

**Wormtail12345678910: **Nowhere. I just got the hang of how to type on a keyboard with keys that aren't in alphabetical order.

**QuaffleKing69: **That IS strange. I doubt it will catch on.

**NewMoonRox**Agreed. But this is still quite fun.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **I must admit, though, this isn't as much fun as practicing our Animagi forms.

**QuaffleKing69: **Speaking of which, how are you coming with that?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **I still can't get the tail to come out the right end.

**GingerBlossom**That must explain the fuzzy tongue you had yesterday…

**Wormtail12345678910: **I'm still not shrinking right. Whatever I don't shrink, my teeth grows instead!

**QuaffleKing69: **We'll get it soon enough, right guys?

**Wormtail12345678910: **Yes.

**NewMoonRox**It would certainly be a nice change not having to be locked up in the Shack alone.

**Wormtail12345678910: **Whoa!

**GingerBlossom**What is it?

**Wormtail12345678910: **Another window just popped up onto my screen!

**NewMoonRox**What's it say?

**Wormtail12345678910: **It's advertising something…I think it's food.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Does it say something about food?

**Wormtail12345678910: **It says "Find Nekked Chicks here now!" I think it's advertising a chicken restaurant.

**QuaffleKing69: **Nekked?

**Wormtail12345678910: **It must be Scottish.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Click on it!

**Wormtail12345678910: **I'll check it out and be right back…

_**Wormtail12345678910 has signed off. **_

**GingerBlossom**Why would a computer want to advertise a restaurant?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **I don't know.

**NewMoonRox**But anyways, who's ready for O.W.Ls?!

**QuaffleKing69: **Ugh, no way in hell can you make me sit through that torture.

**NewMoonRox**Maybe if you had studied and not spent all your time writing "JP + LE" all over your papers…

**QuaffleKing69: **STOP IT NOW, I'M WARNING YOU!

**GingerBlossom**Oooh! Who's LE?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Duh.

**QuaffleKing69: **Lucinda Enid! She's a fourth year from Ravenclaw!

**NewMoonRox**Who?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Nice try, bozo.

**QuaffleKing69: **Another subject, please?

**NewMoonRox**Hogwarts: A History. Summarize chapter five.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **He didn't mean SCHOOL subject!

**NewMoonRox**Didn't Professor McGonagall suggest we use these for STUDYING?

**QuaffleKing69: **You actually LISTEN to that old bat?

**GingerBlossom**I do.

**QuaffleKing69: **Was I talking to YOU?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Actually, anyone's fair game here.

**QuaffleKing69: **A minor detail.

_**Wormtail12345678910 has signed on. **_

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Wormy's back!

**NewMoonRox**So…how did that Scottish restaurant sound?

**Wormtail12345678910: **Those were NOT chickens!

**GingerBlossom**What were they, then?

**Wormtail12345678910: **I'll tell you after I…poke my eyes out.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Oh my god.

**QuaffleKing69: **You just got that too, didn't you?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **YES!!! HAHAHA!!!

**Wormtail12345678910: **Guys, from this day forward I will take an oath of celibacy.

**QuaffleKing69: **It's for the best.

**NewMoonRox**Wait…so that pop-up window advertised…

**Wormtail12345678910: **Unrobed females. In unholy positions. Not to mention, some of them weren't alone…

**GingerBlossom**Disgusting!

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Hey Wormy, can I have the address?

**QuaffleKing69: **Me too?

**GingerBlossom**Perverts.

**Wormtail12345678910: **Mind if we change the topic of discussion, please?

**NewMoonRox**Of COURSE, Wormy.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Where there any blondes?

**GingerBlossom**Oh stop it!

**QuaffleKing69: **Does anyone know what's on the menu for dinner?

**NewMoonRox** I'm not sure

**GiveDaDogABone89: **I'm in the mood for something rare and red myself.

**GingerBlossom**Oh god, no!

**QuaffleKing69: **Why? Just writing about steak makes your ass plump out a little more?

**NewMoonRox**That was uncalled for.

**GingerBlossom**I should say so.

**QuaffleKing69: **I don't know how you do it, Evans.

**GingerBlossom**Do what?

**QuaffleKing69: **Perform daily activities on three leaves of lettuce a day.

**Wormtail12345678910: A**ctually, I saw her eat porridge this morning.

**GingerBlossom**Juts because I don't dive headfirst into whatever is put on the table in front of me doesn't mean I don't eat!

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Here we go with the fighting again.

**NewMoonRox**Maybe if we sit back long enough, we can print this out and pass it off as an essay on the Great War of 1613.

**Wormtail12345678910: **It had raisins in it.

**QuaffleKing69: **Raisins! Oh, forgive me! You eat raisins too!

**NewMoonRox**Odd how I can sense the sarcasm without hearing the tone of voice.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **I know. This thing rules!

**GingerBlossom**Maybe His Royal Highness the Quaffle King should go into a chatroom by himself and leave us who want to talk peacefully ALONE?

**QuaffleKing69: **Maybe the delicate little Ginger Blossom can go shove it up her USB drive?

**NewMoonRox**Stop it, both of you!

**Wormtail12345678910: **Please? This isn't fun anymore when you fight!

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Wait until she figures out the "LE" in "JP + LE" isn't Lucinda Enid, Fourth Year from Ravenclaw!

**Wormtail12345678910: **Or that she sneaks out after Potions to watch him practice on the Quidditch field!

**QuaffleKing69: **You know that I can read what you're writing.

**GingerBlossom**Me too.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Crap. Score 1 for the computer-retarded Marauders!

**NewMoonRox**It's a habit.

**GingerBlossom**I think I'll sign off soon anyhow. My Divination O.W.L. is tomorrow afternoon and I'm still a bit rusty on some of the ancient symbols for success and wisdom.

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Well, you know one thing.

**GingerBlossom**What?

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Neither of those symbols takes on the form of the Quaffle King!

**NewMoonRox**Why is it when I read that, I'm tempted to say "Waffle King?"

**QuaffleKing69: **Very funny.

**Wormtail12345678910: **You know what? I like this new way of talking.

**NewMoonRox**Me too, Wormy.

**QuaffleKing69: **We should try and see if we can do this long-distance!

**GiveDaDogABone89: **Definitely. It certainly would come in handy if we didn't have to sit next to each other to chat!

**NewMoonRox**Just what I was thinking!

_**SlytherinSnapeMaster66 has just signed on. **_

**SlytherinSnapeMaster66: **Anyone on and want to chat?

_**QuaffleKing69 has signed off. **_

_**NewMoonRox**__** has signed off.**_

_**GiveDaDogABone89 has signed off.**_

_**GingerBlossom**__** has signed off.**_

_**Wormtail12345678910 has signed off.**_

**SlytherinSnapeMaster66: **Is it my icon?


	9. Lily's Riot

**"Lily's Riot"—a James/Lily ****Spoof/****Songfic**

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**

_**My Lily-Flower,**_

_**This one's for you, babe! If THIS doesn't charm you into a date with me, then I'll be sure to find a more...ahem…effective way to do so. **_

_****__**Prongsie**_

**

* * *

**

Who's that studyin' by the trees?

It's my Lily, she's waitin' for me!

With emerald eyes and soft white hands

Who's your Prongsie? Yes, I am!

Snivellus, keep your hands off,

You can't run fast enough!

You'd best stay away, Sniv,

Or I'll bop you like a glove!

_Lily's Riot! **RIOT!**_

_Let's go get a butterbeer!_

_Lily's Riot….**RIOT!**_

_Gimme a sniff of that soft ginger hair!_

_Lily's Riot! **RIOT!**_

_Let's go get a butterbeer!_

_Lily's Riot….**RIOT!**_

_Gimme a sniff of that soft ginger hair!_

Blow, Padfoot!

_**NOTE TO LILY: We were going to have Sirius' saxophone solo here, but he thought that 'saxophone' was a dirty innuendo (not that **__**'Blow, **__**Padfoot**__**' **__**didn't HELP) and he went off to chase some **__**Ravenclaws**__**, so, yeah, we're improvising at this point, continue enjoying!**_

_****_She cannot resist her brown eyed man!

She loves hanging with me and the Marauder's band!

Cut me, Wormy and you'll understand!

In my loins, hot Lily ran!

You got me in a bind

Lil, you know it's me you love!

Now let's make the Gryffindors ask

'What's that moanin' from above?!

_Lily's Riot! **RIOT!**_

_Let's go get a butterbeer!_

_Lily's Riot….**RIOT!**_

_Gimme a sniff of that soft ginger hair!_

_I'm in a Lily Riot!_

_I'm in a Lily Riot!_

_I'm in a Lily Riot!_

Snivellus, keep your hands off,

You can't run fast enough!

You'd best stay away, Sniv,

Or I'll bop you like a glove!

_Lily's Riot! **RIOT!**_

_Let's go get a butterbeer!_

_Lily's Riot….**RIOT!**_

_Gimme a sniff of that soft ginger hair!_

_Lily's Riot! **RIOT!**_

_Let's go get a butterbeer!_

_Lily's Riot….**RIOT!**_

_Gimme a sniff of that soft ginger hair!_

**

* * *

**

_Prongs,_

_That was a sad, pathetic attempt at changing the lyrics of a well-known jazz song to make it say that you desperately want to shag me. 'I'll bop you like a glove'??? Yeah, that makes LOADS of sense. _

_Maybe when you put my name into 'Monday, Monday,' __We'll__ talk. _

_Lily_

_PS: At least now I know why Sirius was begging Marlene McKinnon to "Blow __Padfoot__."_


	10. The Midnight Club

**"The Midnight Club"****—A James/Lily & Sirius/Bastet ****Dramedy**

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* * *

**

The Transfigurations room was dark and barren at the moment. It was set up like a normal classroom. Desks for two lines up in two rows, one right after the other. Not to out-of-other-ordinary. All of the teachers and most of the students at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry were too smart to be there this late at night. Most were in their dormitories, studying, goofing off, sleeping, or whatever they pleased. It was Saturday night anyways. Who in their right mind would be in a classroom at 7:54 in the evening?

The silence and peace of the room was disturbed after a moment. A pretty young girl with shining red hair, wearing her school-issued grey sweater under her school robes, walked begrudgingly into the room. The girl was nice and clean-cut, basically what a conventional student at Hogwarts should look like. In her fourth year, she really did not want to be there in detention that night. She had a LOT of tests to study for and she couldn't afford to miss even one minute of study-time. But Professor McGonagall was a strict, sometimes cold old hag of a teacher. Her detentions almost always consisted of just sitting there at their desks until midnight, when they would be allowed to leave. Lily Evans looked around the room and took a seat towards the front. Maybe if she squinted in the darkness hard enough, she could make out the chalk writing on the board and at least gain that information.

Her efforts were interrupted minutes later when a blond boy of average height but skinny build walked quietly into the room. He had a few scars on his face that stuck out against his pale, color-deprived skin. His robes (again, he wore the standard uniform) hung loosely over his body and made him look even skinnier. His hair was unfashionably shaggy and hung to the top of his neck. He looked at Lily and then looked embarrassed to be seen there. He didn't make a move to sit anywhere near her, and instead chose a seat by the window. The moon was waxing, nearly half-full. In a week, he'd have to endure another one of his damned 'episodes' that only Dumbledore knew about. Remus Lupin sighed and stared out the window at the lethal moon. Tonight he could be reading. That's all he really did was read, because none of his classmates bothered much with him. He had a few 'buddies' but they were only roommates and people to talk with at lunch. No one special.

The silence endured again for another minute, until it was suddenly shattered apart when not one, but two boys entered the room. Both boys were very tall. The shorter of the two young men had unruly hair and glasses, but a handsome face regardless. The taller boy was handsome in a more rugged, raw way. His hair was darker and longer, not to mention shinier. They didn't talk to each other, but just walked side by side. When Lily saw who they were, she turned and looked away. It was that stupid ass of a boy, James Potter, and Sirius Black. James was a very popular boy among his schoolmates. All the Gryffindor girls either wanted him or wanted to be 'in' with him. A born leader, he had a talent for trouble, and it irritated Lily. Sirius was a lot like James, only he was the one who pulled off every prank known to the school. Their main difference was: James was always in good with teachers (though evidently NOT McGonagall) and was the pride of the school. Sirius was a rebel, a fierce, headstrong punk. The reason the girls didn't approach Sirius like they did James was because they were all afraid of him. Neither boy wore the uniform. James had on a deep red sweater and jeans, and Sirius wore a black leather jacket, ripped jeans, and a white wifebeater.

The two boys apparently didn't object to sitting down next to each other, right behind Lily. This made her uncomfortable. Great, now James and Sirius were going to pick on her. They didn't know her, but she certainly knew them. They'd call her a bookworm and a geek. A know-it-all and a teacher's pet. All that stuff. Lily slumped lower in her seat and looked at the clock. Four minutes until it started…

Next in the room was another girl. Lily had hoped that maybe one of her friends from Ravenclaw got detention with her. But no, this girl was a Gryffindor too, and not among Lily's friends. This girl's hair was a lime green wonder. Her face was round and smooth, but she was short and had wide hips. She wasn't overly beautiful, but her deep purple eyes were knockouts. Her curly hair went past her butt and halfway down her thigh. Lily noted that she didn't wear her uniform either. She had on a very loose t-shirt with the name of a Muggle heavy-metal band called "Led Zeppelin" across the front (Lily had vaguely heard of them, as she herself was Muggle-born, though not into rock music so much), and bell bottoms. She wore a lot of makeup on her face for a detention. She looked like she was missing out on something by being there. Lily noted that when Bastet Pollux entered the room, James' posture changed from slouching to sitting up straight. She winked at him and sat at the desk in front of Remus.

The room was all so focused on Bastet, that nobody really noticed Severus Snape enter the room, his thin, greasy black hair hanging in his face. He slipped in completely unnoticed and sat in the corner in the back of the room in a shadow.

It was now eight PM. Minerva McGonagall, the old witch, walked intimidating into the room and up to her desk in the front. She oversaw the students in her detention tonight. Tonight was quite the potpourri of students, she had to admit. But one seemed to be missing…

"I'm here! Sorry, Professor McGonagall!" screeched a weak voice trying to speak up. A small, pudgy boy with thick short hair and a big nose, wearing full uniform and then some, dashed down the aisle. James snickered to himself. Sirius looked ashamed to be breathing the same air as this boy.

"Mr. Pettigrew, you are two minutes late," she scowled. "You may take a seat over there in front of Mr. Black," she pointed. The boy named 'Pettigrew' quickly obeyed and took a seat where McGonagall indicated. She looked around the room. She pointed next to the boy sitting by himself in the corner. "You there, Mr. Snape," she demanded. "Sit up front so I can see you better."

Snape obeyed. Everyone stared at him with a sort of look of disgust. Snape gave Lily a longer look than the others and sat down on the other side of the aisle.

"That's better," McGonagall said. She then clicked her tongue in disapproval. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, and Miss Pollux, school robes are required for detentions well as during the school day," she said. James moaned. Lily smirked.

"But Ms. McGonagall," James protested. "It's Saturday."

"You're lucky detention already started, or I would have you three change into your robes right here in front of everyone!"

Sirius Black stood up. "I will right now, if you really…ahem…want me too," he said, taking off his leather jacket with a sultry sort of grace. Lily rolled her eyes. Bastet laughed and hid her face in her hands and blushed.

"Grab some wood there, Mr. Black," McGonagall pointed sternly back to his seat, her teeth gritted. "And put your coat back on, just because you're not in class doesn't mean you have to look like common floozies."

Sirius stared down McGonagall for a solid 5 seconds, then sat back down.

McGonagall then turned to everyone in the room. "I have some work of my own to do, so I'm afraid to say you seven will be left alone until midnight when I come and get you. There will be no talking, no sleeping. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions? Good," McGonagall said, not even waiting for an answer to her question. "Tonight's assignment is as follows," McGonagall began passing out parchment and quills with her wand. "You will write an essay in no less than 1000 words, describing to me who you think you are as young wizards and witches. And that's 1000 DIFFERENT words, not one word repeated 1000 times, is that clear, Mr. Black?"

"Crystal," Sirius saluted. Bastet smiled.

McGonagall frowned. "I will be right down the hall, so I will be able hear every word you say," she warned, walking slowly out of the room

Sirius suddenly raised his hand. "QUESTION!"

"Yes, Mr. Black?" McGonagall turned around at the door.

"Does the Wicked Witch of the West know that you raided her wardrobe?"

McGonagall turned red. Bastet, Pettigrew, James, and Remus all laughed. Lily snorted, and Snape groaned.

"That will be another detention, Mr. Black," McGonagall, leaving the room scowling. After the laughter died down, everyone stared at each other.

Detention had begun.

* * *

A few minutes went by in silence. Remus, Pettigrew, and Lily had all begun doodling ideas for their essays down on their parchment. Snape picked at his hair. James was tapping his feet to a beat on the floor. Sirius had moved away from James and sat at his own desk. His black boots were up on the table and he was already nearly half asleep. Bastet stared up at the ceiling in a daydream of her own.

Sirius suddenly decided to break the silence by looking over at Remus Lupin and smiling. "So…what'cha in for? Not handing in your homework on time?"

Remus shook his head quickly. "Oh god no! I actually got caught in the forbidden section of the library reading about—"

"—so you're in detention for…reading? Psh!" Sirius leaned back, suddenly uninterested.

Remus shook his head again. "Well, actually, I can see why it's forbidden, really."

"Why? Are there nude pictures in all the books?" asked Sirius.

"I…um….er…" Remus looked nervous.

"Leave him alone!" James suddenly spoke up. "He hasn't done shit to you!"

"Um, excuse me, Mr. Potter, but we were talking," Sirius said.

"Which you're not even supposed to be doing!" Lily chimed in. James scowled at Lily.

"Oh no, now you talked, Evans!" he smirked. Lily looked a bit surprised.

"You know me?" she asked.

"Sure, you're the school brain! Everyone knows that!" Sirius interrupted.

"Were we talking to you?" asked James. Sirius shrugged.

"Shut up," Lily barked, "Nobody here's interested! That goes double for you, Potter! Don't be a moron like Black…"

"I'm hurt," Sirius said, sitting down again. "Maybe the Royal Kiss-Ass here can explain my right to free speech out of one of his books!" Sirius gestured to Pettigrew, who blushed.

Now Bastet turned to face Sirius. "Okay, now you're starting to get on MY nerves!"

"Yeah, really," said Remus. Sirius looked back and forth from Remus to Bastet.

"Ooh, lookie here!" Sirius taunted. "I think we've got ourselves a love connection! Is Mr. Lupin gonna ask Miss Pollux on a date?"

"Grow up, you ass!" said Bastet. "No way in hell would I ever—"

"—ah, watch it! You might hurt his feelings!" Sirius said with a loud whisper, as if Remus couldn't hear him.

James groaned. "Seriously, man, you need to find a friend who'll put up with you, so don't crap all over us just because we got locked up in a room with you!"

Sirius pointed. "I need friends? Okay, let's use the James Potter method! I'll go tossing money around like a little spoiled rich boy and then I'll have all the friends in the world!"

Bastet turned around to face Sirius again. "You know what your problem is?"

"Shrink away!"

"You're afraid of people accepting you, so you just dump all over everyone before they dump all over you!" Bastet accused.

The room went silence as Sirius thought of a good comeback. Pettigrew talked first. "Why don't we just sit and write our papers?"

Sirius grunted. "Why don't we shove Pettigrew in a closet and see if he can survive without a teacher to suck up to?"

"Why don't you just shut up?" James barked back.

"Really!" Bastet said. Sirius stood again turned to Bastet with a wild look on his face.

"You're a whore!"

"Ex-CUSE me?!" Bastet said, her mouth hanging wide open.

"First you hit on Mr. Lupin, then on Mr. Potter? What, is this a classroom or a brothel?"

Bastet turned beet red. Lily leapt to her defense. "Oh for god's sake, shut up!" she said. "You know what? You don't even COUNT! You could disappear forever and it wouldn't make a difference, You may as well not even exist at Hogwarts!" Remus gave Lily a look saying she went a little too far with that statement. Lily shrugged, her adrenaline was up anyways.

Sirius leaned back in his chair and didn't grace that statement with an answer. He turned after a moment to Snape, who hadn't even turned around during this flare-up. "And what do YOU have to say about this?"

Snape didn't say a word. Lily looked at him sympathetically. "He doesn't talk to jerks," she said. Sirius nodded with an interested look on his face.

"Can we just write our papers, please?" asked Remus, looking down awkwardly. Sirius went back to his seat and sat, looking evilly around at the six others.

"Like we're gonna get very far on them anyway," Bastet muttered, apparently talking in James' direction. "How the bloody hell can I write 1000 words about myself? My hair changes color a lot and I'm pulling an A average. That's twelve words!"

"Exactly," James muttered. "I suppose I can always write that I'm a future Quidditch World Cup Champion Chaser!" James sulked after a moment. "We had practice tonight and I'm missing it."

"Oh, wouldn't that be a bite! Missing a whole Quidditch practice session!" Sirius mocked.

"You wouldn't even know about it, jerkwad," James hissed back.

"I bet I could make the team in an instant," said Sirius.

"No, they wouldn't take you," James retorted.

"Again, I'm hurt."

Lily snapped her head around. "Would you guys just shut up? I'm working!"

James and Lily locked eyes for a split second before she turned back around. McGonagall was back in the room, checking in on the prisoners.

"What's all this ruckus? All this noise! I specifically said no talking!"

"What do you mean, we're just sitting here," said Sirius innocently. "I'm pretty sure Mr. Pettigrew's written 3000 words on himself by now. And I'm pretty sure Mr. Potter is writing about himself in poetry form!"

"Oh, do shut up, Mr. Black. You think you're so funny? Jinxing the mandrakes in Herbology was VERY funny! Four students are in the hospital right now because they can't get the ringing out of their ears! So one more word, and you'll be here again!"

Sirius leaned back in his seat and muttered something under his breath. Even Snape turned around in his seat.

"What was that?" McGonagall said threateningly.

Sirius spoke up defiantly. "Eat slugs!"

"That's another detention, Mr. Black!"

"Aww, damn!"

"Another!"

"That's not fair!"

"One more!"

"I think I have a dental appointment that night, can I skip?"

"Another detention! You want to keep going?"

"Yes!"

"Good, because you've got another one!"

"Hoo-rah," Sirius said, standing his ground.

Lily flipped around in her seat again. "Stop it! Stop it!" she warned.

"You want another, Mr. Black? I have you for the rest of your natural born life, Mr. Black!"

"How many is that?" asked Sirius. Pettigrew immediately stood up.

"That's six, including the one earlier when you asked Professor McGonagall if she knew the Wicked Witch—"

"Another one," said McGonagall.

"For me or for him?" asked Pettigrew. McGonagall didn't answer him.

"For the next whole week, you're in here, Mr. Black. I hope you're very proud of yourself! The next time I'm in here, if there is a single peep coming from anywhere, I'm putting my foot down!"

McGonagall left the room. Sirius growled, clearly pissed off, screamed, "FUCK OFF!" as soon as she shut the doors. Pettigrew looked afraid. Bastet and Lily were shaken, and James' eyes were wide.

Snape, for the first time, uttered a word. Or rather, it was more like a low grumble. Nobody knew what it meant.

* * *

An hour went by slowly, and not a word was spoken. Everyone in the room was bored as hell and ended up doing their own thing in their own seats while passing the time. Remus stared out the window dreamily, picturing himself flying on the wings of a hippogriff underneath a full moon…in human form. Lily kept scribbling outlines for her essay and crossing everything off…she eventually gave up and just started doodling. Bastet had a deck of tarot cards with her and was shuffling them, drawing ones at random, and staring at them for full minutes before replacing them and shuffling them again. James tossed a smaller version of a Quaffle up and down. Pettigrew, like Lily, was also writing, but unlike Lily, his essay was already half-written, but he was getting a bit tired. Snape played with the loose strings on his robes. Sirius was always nearly completely asleep.

The clock on McGonagall's desk soon read 9:30 PM. How could time go so slowly? Nearly everyone in the room was asleep, even Lily and Pettigrew.

"Wake up!" she demanded. All the kids grudgingly propped up their heads with their hands. "I'm allowing a ten minute break for snacks," she said.

"Hallelujah!" Sirius said sarcastically.

Lily looked at McGonagall. "Ma'am, we didn't bring anything," she said.

"There's probably stuff left over down in the kitchen," said Pettigrew.

"I'll get it!" Sirius said, springing to his feet.

"NO!" barked McGonagall. Sirius sat down again. "You will…" she said, pointing at James. "And you will be taking them with you…" she said, pointing at Lily and Snape. James looked at Lily and Snape, who were both getting up and stretching. James groaned.

"I'd like a pan fried noodle…" Sirius ordered. James snarled at him.

"You will be getting drinks and apples," insisted McGonagall. "If I find even one rock cake under your robes, there will be hell to pay," she said sternly to James.

"I doubt you'll be able to find ANYTHING resembling a rock under his robes, Professor," Sirius said. Remus snickered.

McGonagall ignored him and left the room. James, Lily, and Snape went out and went down a different hallway. They headed for the kitchens where the house elves worked.

James shoved his hands in his pockets. Lily didn't look at him. Snape lagged far behind them. James felt very awkward. Should he say something?

"So…why are you here?" he asked. Lily didn't answer.

"Why don't you ask HIM?" Lily pointed to Snape, still behind them. Lily stuck her nose in the air and walked ahead of James. James groaned.

"Well…why are you here?" he asked Snape.

Snape stared blankly at him. "Why are YOU here?" he asked back.

Lily and James both stopped dead in their tracks. So…he could talk! James looked at Lily, then at Snape. "I'm here because it's what the Quidditch captain wants me to do. I've been goofing off lately and the captain wants me to learn discipline."

"Bull…" muttered Lily under her breath. James heard her.

"Oh yeah? Why are you here then, Evans?" James looked back at her. Lily looked awkwardly at the two boys staring at her.

"I…I was caught in the Dark Forest," Lily said truthfully. James looked almost impressed. "I thought I saw something and I wandered a bit too far in…"

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" James said, patting Lily on the back and striding ahead proudly. Lily smirked and looked back at Snape.

"If it wasn't so hard," Lily called after James. "Then why didn't YOU tell us your story?"

James ignored her and blazed on ahead.

* * *

Back in the classroom, the four who were told to stay in the classroom before McGonagall left had gotten up to stretch. Bastet sat Indian-style on her desk. Sirius was pacing the aisle casually. Remus was looking through some of the books on McGonagall's desk. Only Pettigrew still sat in his spot.

"Hey, Bastet!" Sirius called. Bastet rolled her eyes and looked at Sirius. "So, do you have the hots for James or what?"

"Leave me alone!" Bastet moaned. "It's too late at night for this!"

"Oh? Because if we were in Gryffindor tower right now, and all your little friends were with you, It'd wouldn't be too late!"

"For the love of god, Sirius," moaned Remus. "She said leave her alone, do you not understand English!"

"Maybe, that depends on what you speak," Sirius said.

"Shithead," Bastet whispered.

"Oh, be careful of what you say! Remus Lupin here has virgin ears!"

Remus looked up, confused. "WHAT?" He quickly looked at Bastet. "What does that mean?

"Ignore him," Bastet said.

"You ever had a girl?" Sirius asked Remus.

"Yes," he blurted back. Bastet rose and eye brow in disbelief.

"Who?" asked Sirius, smiling. He knew Remus was lying to him.

Remus looked at Bastet then at the floor. Sirius smiled. "Oh, so you and Bastet…?"

"Hold on, what?" Bastet asked, looking at Remus. "What did you say?"

"Nothing!"

"I knew it was you and Lupin all along!" said Sirius.

"It wasn't!" Remus protested.

"Do your parents know about this, young lady?" asked Sirius, wagging a finger.

"I haven't seen my parents in eight years!" Bastet yelled, her short fuse expiring. Sirius and Remus were suddenly silenced. Sirius even looked a little, LITTLE bit guilty. But he hid it well. Pettigrew looked up from his paper.

Remus looked at Bastet with remorse. "What? Are they dead?" he asked.

Bastet shook her head. "I'm Muggle-born," she confessed. "When I was six, I began showing tendencies of being a witch, and it frightened my parents off. So they abandoned me with my Muggle grandfather, who's an Army drill instructor. It was like growing up in a barrack," said Bastet. Remus looked at her with sympathy. "This castle is more my home than my real home with him in Wales is."

Remus nodded. "I know what you mean," said Remus. Bastet looked at him with interest. "My dad was attacked—I mean—died when I was just a boy, and my mother was a Muggle, she raised me herself. My father was a wizard, but being raised only by Muggles in a Muggle world when you're so…different…it just isn't the same."

"Aw…you two gonna kiss now?" Sirius mocked. Bastet looked at him.

"He just doesn't care because he's pitying himself because he ended up in the wrong house," Bastet said with a sneer.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You're a Black!" said Bastet. "You're the first in your family ever to not be in Slytherin house! Your cousins Bellatrix and Andromeda are in Slytherin now, and so is your little brother Regulus! You're the black sheep of the family!" Bastet said, laughing airly.

"And is there anything wrong with that?" asked Sirius.

"Is there anything wrong with me talking to Remus?" asked Bastet, raising an eyebrow. Sirius actually smiled at her.

"I've got my eye on you, Missy!" he said, pointing at her. Bastet smiled slightly and rolled her eyes.

* * *

When James, Lily, and Snape returned with food, the prisoners returned to their seats to eat. Sirius took out his wand and pointed it at his bottle of water. A spark of blue light followed, and the bottle turned into a chalice filled to the brim with rum. Sirius smiled and took a sip. Pettigrew stared at him.

"Alcohol?" he asked.

"Want some, Kiss-Ass?" asked Sirius, holding out the cup.

"I'm too young," Pettigrew said, leaning back.

Lily rolled her eyes. She looked over at Bastet.

"Hey, why are you in here?" she asked out of curiosity.

"I got into a fight with Jules Hanson from Hufflepuff over a Quidditch game, and she's serving her detention in another room." Bastet wasn't touching her food, but rather practicing magic with it. She pointed her wand at her apple.

"_WingardiumLeviosa__!"_Bastet said smiling. The apple floated in front of her, but only for a few seconds. "Damn, I need to work harder….I'm going to bomb my O.W.L.s if I keep this up…"

"The trick is not to break concentration…" Remus said between bites.

"Aren't you going to eat?" asked Peter.

"I'm not really in the mood for fruit. If I was, I'd be in Hufflepuff House," she said. Sirius snorted a laugh and sipped his rum.

Meanwhile, Snape was sighing to himself. Lily looked at him and called, "Severus? What's up?"

"Nothing," he muttered. James rolled his eyes.

"You've been sighing in five-minute increments for the past hour," he expressed. "What's on your mind? Why are you here?" he asked.

"Why do you care?" Snape snapped back.

"Because…um…I'm….bored?" James said, tweaking his last word into a question with his voice.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Well, don't bother asking me how I feel, I'm only a student here just like you," he said.

"Hold up a second!" Sirius said loudly. "You keep sighing loudly like that, you make everyone think something's wrong, and then you don't say anything! I think you WANT the attention, kid!"

"SIRIUS!" snapped Lily. "Come off it!"

Snape just stared at Sirius. "I don't need the attention," he said blankly. "And at least I don't flail around like some grindylow on gillyweed to get it like you," he said. Sirius gave Snape a look that said "die." But he did nothing.

Remus looked at Snape. "You're not in our house…" he said.

"I'm in Slytherin."

"Enough said," said James. Bastet flipped around to face James.

"James Potter, that's a horrible thing to say!"

"But they said You-Know-Who was in—"

"—That's a school legend, and anyway, he's not exactly Salazar Slytherin himself, is he? Why should everyone suffer on You-Know-Who's account?" Bastet said. "I think we should give him a chance."

"Oh shut it off, Pollux," said Snape. "I wouldn't let you give me a chance. You're a mudblood."

Both Bastet and Lily shrunk back in their seats. Sirius gave Snape a look of death and leapt across the table at him. Snape fell backwards onto the floor. Remus got out his wand and yelled something. Snape and Sirius flew apart and across the room.

That was, of course, when McGonagall came to check in on the students.

"What in the name of Merlin is this?!" she screetched. "What was that ruckus?"

"What ruckus?" asked Pettigrew, who'd witnessed everything from his seat without a sound.

"I was just walking by, and I heard a ruckus!"

Pettigrew looked up at the ceiling. "Could you describe the ruckus, ma'am?"

McGonagall went red and puckered her lips. She looked at Sirius, sprawled out on the floor, rubbing his behind.

"Thanks Remus, my ass hurts now!" he moaned. McGonagall helped Snape to his feet, then got Sirius up onto his.

"You're coming with me, young man, you're done clowning around for your little friends here," she said. "You've caused quite enough trouble tonight," she said. "You're going in the closet—"

And before another word was spoken, Sirius was hauled out of the room, leaving the remaining six sitting there in silence.

Pettigrew looked at Snape. "You shouldn't have said that. You're just as bad as he is."

Snape, not saying a work, grunted and got out of his seat, and went to the window sill to sit by himself. Lily gave him an odd eye.

"Now what? It's only 10:15, we have another 1-3/4 hours," she said. Bastet looked at Lily, Lily looked at Remus, Remus looked at James, James looked at Pettigrew, and Pettigrew looked at Bastet. Lily then looked over at Snape.

"I just can't believe he said that," she said. "What's wrong with Muggle-borns?"

"You're one?" asked Bastet. Lily nodded.

"But they didn't kick me out of their house when they found out."

"Poor baby," Bastet moaned sarcastically.

"Hey, it's still not a walk in the park! I'm the only witch in a family of Muggles! My sister Petunia's a Muggle, and imagine how hard it was having her tell you that you were a freak for 14 years!"

"At least you know you HAVE a sister! Maybe my parents had the Muggle child they always wanted after they sent me away!" Bastet burst back. "I'd KILL to have my parents or siblings (if I have any) call me a freak! You must be a freakin' spoiled little bitch if you think your life sucks because you're a witch among Muggles!"

Lily looked viciously at Bastet. Bastet raised an eyebrow offensively.

"Ladies, ladies!" James began. "Neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong, okay?"

"Says the pure-blood richie," Bastet hissed. James looked at Bastet with his mouth open.

"Hey!" said Remus. "For god's sake, can we PLEASE stop all this fighting?" Remus was staring directly at Bastet.

"Why?" asked a now hostile Bastet. "Why is everyone suddenly on MY case?"

"Well, it appears that you're on the defensive," said Remus. "You've got something to hide from us," he said.

"Oh yeah? Well maybe I do, but it's definitely not nearly as big as YOUR secret!" Bastet pointed at Remus. Pettigrew looked up from his paper. Remus turned white.

"How do you know? WHAT do you know?"

"Because it relates to my secret in a way," said Bastet. "Only in your case, you can't help yours," she said.

"Yours can have you arrested!" Remus barked.

"Yours can have you killed!" Bastet said back.

"What are you talking about?" asked James. Bastet looked at him.

"Don't butt in, rich boy," Bastet said. James looked to Lily for help. She didn't give any and remained quiet.

"Okay, okay, we all have our secrets, we don't need to tell everyone what they are," said Pettigrew.

"And I'll have you know, REMUS," said Bastet. "MY secret is actually something to be proud of, I think! Not many fourteen years olds are secretly in the process of becoming Animagi!" she said proudly. She didn't look surprised that she'd blabbed. James and Pettigrew's jaws both dropped.

Remus turned even whiter. "Now you have to say yours," said Bastet, grinning. "Gotcha!"

"You're an Animagus?" asked James with interest. "Since when?"

"I'm technically not one yet. I got bored last summer and decided that it would be a fun little project. I have a damn long way to go, though. It's tough shit." Bastet answered. "But one day, when I'm of age, I'm going to register myself and become an specialized Auror."

"That's very noble," said Lily admiringly. "What animal form are you?"

"Not sure, I haven't managed to get it right yet." Bastet said. "Something with feathers…a big bird of some kind, maybe."

"Cool, you could fly," Peter said in awe.

"Who's helping you? Surely you can't do that on your own?" Remus asked.

Bastet smiled. "Two sixth years are trying it out with me, and we're helping each other. We want to become the first underaged wizards to become Animagi…"

"That's risky business," Lily warned.

"You have to be of age to even begin legal Animagus training, but I don't care," said Bastet. "The reason I'm doing this is because…I'm ordinary."

"No way," James said, shaking his head in disbelief. "You're hair changes color on it's own…"

"…yeah, because I screwed up a Potion last year and it, in turn, completely screwed up my hair genes for life," Bastet hissed. "I'm a freak now."

"So becoming an illegal underaged Animagus is going to cancel that out?" asked Lily.

"I certainly hope so."

"That's ridiculous," Remus muttered. "Trying to stand out and be the best in order to cover up your insecurities like a little kid…"

"I'm NOT!" Bastet pouted. "And you…"

"But what's the point? Even if you DO succeed, which, given your age and lack of experience, is highly unlikely," began Remus. "You won't be able to tell anyone until you're seventeen, so it isn't going to be useful in any way…"

"Actually," she turned to Remus. "If you ever needed a friend to…ahem…keep you in check during the full—"

"—this isn't fair!" protested Remus. "You can't expect me to…to tell them…"

James leaned in close. "We won't mock you, Remus," he promised. "Alright? On pain of death, I will never mock you or tell another soul about your secret!"

"I second that," said Lily.

"Me too," said Pettigrew, raising his right hand.

"And I," said Bastet after a second. Snape didn't move.

But he yelled, "Fine!"

Remus scowled. "Fine, I will. You know the Whomping Willow?"

James nodded. "Yeah, I know it."

"It was planted for me," said Remus. After a long pause, James' shoulders dropped.

"That's it?"

"No, there's more—"

Everyone jumped to their feet as a sudden ball of mass fell through the ceiling, breaking a huge hole in it and sending the mass hurdling into a desk, in turn, breaking it. Everyone was dead silent. James, Remus and Pettigrew had whipped their wands out. Suddenly, Sirius popped his head from under the rubble and looked up.

"Better get Filch on that in the morning," he said. Bastet's look of surprise turned to that of amusement.

"Oh my god," Lily muttered.

"You're supposed to be in McGonagall's closet!" hissed James.

"I'm claustrophobic," said Sirius with a wink. "Besides, I very well couldn't miss the fun in here, could I?"

Bastet laughed.

"Don't worry about McGonagall," said Sirius. "She fell asleep at her desk!"

"Hold up there, Remus," said Bastet. "Don't think you're getting off the hook!"

"What?" asked Sirius.

"Remus was about to tell us his secret," said James, smiling. Remus looked down at the floor. "So far all we know is that the Whomping Willow was planted for him."

"So? Does he live inside it or something?" asked Sirius.

"My bet's on the Willow is a Portkey to his house or something," said Bastet.

"Why would a HUGE tree like that be a Portkey?" asked Lily.

"Well, what's your theory then, smartass?" Bastet shot back.

Meanwhile, Remus felt himself begin to shake. Finally, he stormed out of his seat and noisily moved himself up to McGonagall's desk.

"What's his deal?" asked James.

"You guys think it's some wonderful secret like Bastet's!" Remus cried. "It's not! It's horrible! You guys are making up all these fantastic theories and yet when I tell you, you all are going to run out of the room screaming!"

Lily sighed. "I think I know that you mean," she said. "I have an idea."

Remus looked at Lily with a look of sympathy. She was the only one who seemed to understand.

The whole room, even Snape, looked at Remus as he stood there.

"Remus," Lily began, "You don't have too—"

"—I'm a werewolf. Happy?" Remus spat out, jumping down from the desk and quickly running for the door. Before he got there, he felt a strong, yet soft grip on his wrist. Remus turned his head, half-expecting Lily.

It was Sirius.

"I'm sorry," he said under his breath. Remus still looked like he wanted to leave. Bastet walked up to him and ran a finger along a scar on his cheek.

"That explains it, then. Now they know, and none of us are screaming or think any differently of you. Remus, that's not as horrible as you think," she said.

Remus pulled out of Sirius' grip. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? But I almost didn't come here! My father offended Fenrir Greyback somehow, and he attacked me and killed my father. I was bitten when I was three."

"That's awful," said Pettigrew.

"Dumbledore is such a wonderful man. He planted the tree to block a secret passage that leads to a small shack in Hogsmeade. I go there every full moon so I can't hurt anyone. I'm always alone."

"I could keep you company," said Bastet. "Werewolves only harm humans."

"No, you're NOT an Animagus!"

"Yet!" corrected Bastet.

Remus ignored her. "But you don't get it! All my life, I'm condemned to prejudice because of my condition!"

Lily stood up and bit her lip. "I don't understand? You don't think we understand prejudice, Remus?! Well, FUCK YOU!" Lily was near tears. Everyone looked shocked at Lily's use of a swear word.

Bastet put her arm around Lily. "You seem to have forgotten that we're Muggle-born. We get our share of prejudice every day!" Bastet began to get teary as well.

Remus suddenly felt sorry for what he said, and he went to hug the girls.

Sirius sighed. "Me too."

"You're a pureblood!" said James. "That's bull crap." James stood and approached Sirius challengingly.

"Oh yeah, richie? I'm a Black, right?" Sirius said. "What would I know about prejudice? I'm on the other end of the court. My family spits on Muggle-borns. But you know what? I don't! So my family turned on me!" he barked. James backed down.

"That sucks too," said Bastet. "What do they do to you?"

"They kicked me out. I have friends who I go live with in the summer sometimes. But all Blacks have been in Slytherin and have been bigoted morons. I'm different. I'm a Gryffindor and don't see a difference between pure and Muggle! So…my mother threw me out. My little brother Regulus is different. He's the golden son."

"That's admirable," Bastet awed. "Standing up for what you believe in is hard enough, but it's harder when you're up against your own family."

Sirius looked into Bastet's odd purple eyes and smiled. She was very pretty, and she smiled tenderly at him.

"At least you have a friend to go to during the summer," Pettigrew suddenly chimed in. "I have no friends."

Everyone was silent. James spoke.

"What's you're first name?" he asked.

"Peter," said Peter Pettigrew. "I'm in Gryffindor too."

"I noticed," said James. "I don't think I've seen you before."

"That's because I tend to blend. I study more than I socialize," said Peter. "I want friends, but everyone seems to want to block me out. No one wants a short little sycophant trailing behind them."

"That's not true," said James. "I would've let you in with me…"

"Don't lie!" Lily suddenly burst out. "You liar! You and your perfect friends strut around the grounds like you own them! You're an arrogant jerk, and everyone knows it! I've seen you do things to kids you don't like that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! I know why you're here today, James!" she accused.

"Oh, do you?" asked James, his voice near yelling.

"You tortured poor little Henry Trotter from Ravenclaw until he had to be hospitalized! You cast a flying spell on his broom, and it crashed into the clock tower! I was there! All your friends were laughing as the poor boy was hurt. It was awful. You are such a conceited bastard!"

James seemed subdued. Sirius was nodding.

"I was there too. I was…laughing," he said, seemingly ashamed.

"I know Henry," said Snape suddenly from the window. He got down and walked over. Lily kept her distance. "We work together in Potions."

"I was egged on by my friends! I couldn't help it! They would've turned on me if I didn't!" James said.

Lily shook her head. "You've got all the money, the popularity, the friends in the world, and yet you're so weak!" she scolded. Remus nodded.

"Peter, I'll be your friend. I don't associate much either," Remus confessed. "You never know what could get around."

"Really?" asked Peter. "You'll be my friend?"

"If you don't mind being mine," said Remus. Bastet looked at Sirius.

"I will too," she said.

"Me too," Sirius added. Snape remained quiet, but then again, everyone expected him too.

"I will too, Peter," vowed Lily, smiling. Everyone now looked at James. He stayed quiet.

"Asshole," Bastet muttered.

"I'm NOT! It's just…"

The room was silent as everyone stared at James.

"Be realistic! The seven of us are so different. What would all of us do tomorrow morning if we were seen together? I'll tell you all what would happen! Sirius, you would tell your friends that this was part of a trick on Peter. Bastet, you would make an excuse and say he's got money! Snape, you'd just walk away and deny everything! Lily, you'd claim that he's your partner on a Charms project and you have to be seen with him! Remus, you'd only stick with him because everyone else would feel sorry for you and you wouldn't know any better!"

"How DARE you?!" Lily shrieked. "You are such a judgmental little boy! Those are disgusting things to say and you KNOW how mean that is to say to someone! You don't have the courage to stand up to someone and tell them you're gonna like who you want to like!"

"Okay, what about you, Evans? Why don't I see you walking around outside laughing and partying around with Bastet? Or studying in the library with Peter? What about me? You'd be embarrassed in front of your brainiac friends and intimidated to be seen with me and you know it!"

"James, just shove it," Sirius said.

"YOU shove it!" James said back.

"Sirius didn't do anything to you!" Lily said. Sirius glared.

"Now Evans is sticking up for me? I'm doomed!" Sirius growled. Lily stared at him with a disbelieving look on her face.

"I was trying to defend you and you go back and insult me? That's low," Lily said.

"Oh, what do you care about me anyway? I don't count! I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference. I may as well not even exist at Hogwarts, remember?" Sirius said. Lily fell into her chair, hearing the hurtful words she'd said earlier.

"STOP IT, ALL OF YOU!!!" Peter suddenly screamed. Everyone looked at him. His face was red, and he was breathing heavily. Everyone looked at him. "I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FIGHT LIKE THIS!! You…." Peter paused. Everyone stared at him. "You know why I'm here tonight?"

"Why?" asked Remus.

"I'm here because I tried to perform the Cruciatus Curse on "Big" Dimitri Alexandrov this morning…"

"That was you?" asked Snape, for the first time, seemingly interested in a conversation.

"Yeah," said Peter. "You know he's a really big guy, right? A sixth year. He always taunts me, and everyone just goes along with it. Well, today he began picking a fight with me, and he wouldn't stop. There were two professors at the other end of the Great Hall, and when I saw neither of them made a move to help me, and that all the other students were laughing at Dimitri's jokes, I…I snapped," Peter began sobbing. "I took out my wand and screamed _Crucio_ at him," he said. "I…I felt it was my only option."

"No," said Bastet. "That wasn't your only option."

"Well, it didn't work, now did it? But the teachers pounced on me anyways, and some of the younger kids were screaming. McGonagall told me I was lucky that the curse didn't work, or else I'd be sitting in Azkaban right now, underage or not. But you know what? I'm mad at myself for being so weak…"

"Weak?" asked James. "You nearly used a torturing curse on Big Dimitri!"

"But in order for it to work, I had to really want to do it…and it didn't work. I'm so weak, something inside of me must have held me back. I am such a wimp!"

"No," said Remus. "It was probably your conscience holding you back. It means you're better than a stupid curse."

Peter looked at Remus. He gave a faint smile and nodded a 'thanks.'

"That's intense," said James. "Worse than what we all did combined to get in here," he added. Everyone nodded.

"Wait, we don't know what Mr. Snape over here did," said Sirius. Snape looked up at Sirius and let out a small moan.

"Nothing," said Snape.

"Wait…what?" asked Lily.

"I was bored. All my friends really do have detention, but we evidently got put in different rooms," he said.

Sirius began laughing. Bastet and James then laughed, followed by Lily, Peter, and Remus. Snape looked at them with an odd look.

And oddly enough, he began laughing too.

* * *

By 11:15 PM, the seven students in McGonagall's detention were on good terms with most everyone else. Because they still had 45 minutes and nothing to do, Sirius turned on McGonagall's record player, and the kids got up and danced in order to stretch out. James, Bastet, and Sirius seemed to be decent dancers, but everyone else, particularly Peter and Snape, were spastic and could barely move without knocking something over.

At 11:30 PM, Sirius knew he had to get back to the closet before McGonagall woke up, so he climbed back up into the ceiling and headed back for the closet. Everyone else was grouped around one table, staring at a quill and blank piece of parchment. Snape was picking his fingernails.

"So, are we writing our essays or not?" asked Bastet.

"I haven't even touched my quill," said James.

"I was writing for awhile about my early childhood, but I scrapped it," said Remus. Everyone looked at Lily.

"I scrapped mine too. After tonight, I really don't think what I wrote matters anymore."

James smiled. "What did you write about?"

"I wrote about how I promised never to do anything to deserve detention again, and how that wasn't who I was, bending the rules," said Lily. "But look what I did tonight. I'm beginning to rethink who I am a bit."

"That's very cool," said James. Lily blushed and looked down. Meanwhile, Remus looked at Peter.

"Why don't we take care if it for all of us?" Remus proposed. "What do you say, Peter?"

Peter smiled. He was being included in a group for the first time ever. "Let's do it!"

Remus and Peter took the parchment and went into the corner to map things out. Bastet went over to the pile of rubble where Sirius tumbled out of the ceiling. He'd dropped something while struggling to get back up into the ceiling. It was a small pendant of a dog. It was Sirius' pendant.

Bastet fingered the pendant. "He dropped his necklace," she said, holding it up James smiled.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Take it to him!"

Bastet smiled and left the room. Meanwhile, James came up behind Lily and sighed.

"Look, all the things I said about you…"

"It's alright," said Lily. "Did you really mean what you said about not staying friends tomorrow morning?"

James thought a moment. "No."

Lily smiled and looked down at her feet. James added something.

"Listen, Lily. Tomorrow's Sunday. If it's sunny out, and you go outside just before dawn, the way the sun reflects over the Black Lake is gorgeous. I could show you if you wanted."

Lily grinned. "I'd like that."

* * *

Upon entering McGonagall's office, she saw that the old professor wasn't even in the room. Some teacher, she thought. She didn't even remember she had detention or a student locked in her closet.

Bastet raised her wand at the locked closet door._ "__Alohomora__!" _she whispered. The door opened to reveal Sirius inside, sitting patiently, waiting to be sprung. He looked pleasantly surprised to see Bastet standing there.

"She's not even here. I think she forgot she had a detention class."

"I wouldn't put it past her," said Sirius. Bastet smiled and held up the pendant.

"You dropped it when you fell out of the ceiling," she said. Sirius stood up and took it from her, studying it.

"Turn around," he commanded.

"Why?" asked Bastet.

"Please," Sirius said dramatically. Bastet laughed and did so. Sirius placed the pendant around her neck and clasped it shut. Bastet gasped and touched it. "I want you to have it."

"I couldn't," said Bastet.

"Yeah, you could," said Sirius. "It brings out your purple eyes."

"Thank you," Bastet whispered. Sirius then took Bastet in his arms and kissed her softly. After a minute, the kiss started feeling awkward, and the two teens separated. They looked at the clock on McGonagall's desk. It was ten minutes to midnight.

"It's almost time to go," said Bastet. "Consider yourself sprung."

* * *

None of the students waited for McGonagall to come back. They gathered their things and left the room for their dormitories, but not before reading the essay Remus and Peter put together.

"Genius," said Sirius.

"I couldn't have used better words myself," said James. Remus and Peter took a little mock bow.

Once outside the room, Snape went left towards the Slytherin common room. The rest walked as a group up to Gryffindor tower. They were their own little club. None of them knew what the future would bring for them. They didn't know whether Sunday morning would see them all still together as friends, or as going back to their respective corners with nothing more than just a new understanding for each other. What would their other friends say? But they didn't really care about that now. All they cared about was that, if just for tonight, they were not alone.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in McGonagall's room, McGonagall had returned to find everyone gone, and only a single piece of parchment on Remus Lupin's desk filled. McGonagall picked up the paper and read slowly, squinting her eyes so she could see better in the dark room.

_Dear Professor McGonagall,_

_We accept the fact that we had to spend an entire Saturday night in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. Of course, what we did WAS wrong. But we all think you're crazy making us write an essay tell you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. James Potter has ego problems. Sirius Black can't keep his mouth shut. Lily Potter is an overly obsessive perfectionist. Bastet __Pollux__ tries to overcompensate for her insecurities. Severus __Snape__ craves attention. Remus Lupin is ashamed of who he is. And Peter Pettigrew doesn't think for himself. But tonight, what we all found out was that each one of us is a leader, a follower, a prankster, a control-freak, a party-girl, a werewolf, and a loner. Does that answer your question?_

_Sincerely yours,_

_The Midnight Club_

McGonagall was speechless.


	11. The Second Wedding Ring

**"The Second Wedding Ring"****—A Remus/Tonks Drama**

**

* * *

**

As if Mother Nature cried along with her, Tonks walked through the torrential rain back towards her mother's house with very little strength. Her hair, mousy brown with twinges of black on the ends, was plastered against her face. Her clothes were tattered and torn, and the silver wedding ring she wore on her left hand was tarnished. She had a matching ring in her pocket. It only weights a few ounces, but it felt like Tonks was carrying a brick of lead around in her left pocket.

The Battle of Hogwarts was an incredibly intense battle. It had worn Tonks out almost immediately, and the two rounds of _Cruciatus_ that Bellatrix had given her didn't do her any favors either. Most of the fighters were still at Hogwarts celebrating their victory, and had been for nearly a day. Today was supposed to be a tribute to Harry Potter put together by many of the students and members of the D.A. Tonks decided that while Harry deserved every second of the praise he was getting, she couldn't stand to be in that school another moment. The bodies of the dead heroes were lying there in a separate room so that people could pay their respects. Tonks' husband, Remus Lupin, was among the dead. She had seen him fall.

Seeing him die before her eyes was probably worse than realizing she had to live life without him. Seeing his body spiral down through the air like a rag doll, the room lit with green flames and sparks, and then the THUD that brought his corpse back to the earth, lifeless and cold. Tonks couldn't believe her eyes. Remus was dead, and she had done nothing to stop it. She was an Auror, she could have done something. By listening to Remus instead of her intuition, she felt like she betrayed the Order. She felt like she betrayed Mad-Eye Moody. She felt like she betrayed the Aurors. She felt like she betrayed Remus.

It was only after Remus was killed at she emerged from the spot he'd told her to hide. Tonks could have insisted against hiding, but Remus urged her too. She was a mother, and her child needed her with him. Then Tonks tried to tell Remus that he was a father, and his child needed him just as much as his mother. That was when Dolohov entered the room, and Remus made his last stand. Tonks managed to stupefy Dolohov after he destroyed Remus so she could take his body elsewhere. But somehow, she couldn't bring herself to kill him. She just couldn't, after seeing its horrible effects on a human body. She ended up shoving Remus' body in the Hufflepuff common room out of sight and sat by the body until the fighting ceased. She didn't feel like fighting much anymore. To hell with heroism. When people had come through looking for bodies, Tonks had personally escorted Remus' body to the hall where the dead lied. Fred Weasley was there, which made it even harder for Tonks to bear. Children who'd defied orders and stayed behind despite being underage were dead too. That's when she knew she couldn't stay any longer.

Now, with a heavy heart, an exhausted body, and a dying spirit, she had arrived back home. She had no doubt her mother was waiting for her return anxiously. Tonks hadn't bothered to send an owl to her about the Battle or who died and who narrowly escaped. Tonks' wand was in shreds. Her broomstick was nowhere to be found. So she'd walked and used Muggle transportation the 100 or so miles from Hogwarts back to her house.

Tonks sighed as she grabbed the ice-cold doorknob and let herself in. It was nighttime, nearly 10 PM. Teddy would be asleep by now. Maybe Andromeda would too. Good. All Tonks wanted to do was sneak in, collapse on the couch, and sleep. She didn't want to get into her own bed. It would feel too big and lonely without having Remus beside her and knowing he'd never be beside her again. The thought tugged at her heartstrings, and it was painful to breathe. She just wanted to be alone.

But sadly, that wasn't the way it was. Andromeda was in the kitchen, fixing herself a cup of tea. When she heard the door open, she turned to see her daughter, soaked to the bone and looking like a ghost, she ran to embrace Tonks.

"Nymphadora! You're home! Thank god!" Andromeda cried in happiness. Tonks didn't bother to wrap her arms around her mother.

"We won," Tonks said vaguely, her voice weak and airy. Andromeda nodded.

"I know! I know!" Andromeda said excitedly. "Teddy will be so happy to know his mummy's home!"

But one look into Tonks' eyes made Andromeda want to take back everything she said. Her look said it all. Andromeda took a step back and put her hands over her mouth. "R…Remus…?" she asked, already knowing what the answer was.

Tonks dug into her pocket and extracted the second wedding ring, Remus' ring. Remus had emptied his entire Gringotts account and asked to borrow money from Mad-Eye to afford the rings. On the outside was a small crescent moon intertwined with a heart engraved into the silver, and on the inside it was engraved with the words: _"Forever: Remus and Dora."_ Tonks hadn't expected anything from Remus, so she was in tears when he'd taken the ring out of his pocket and put it on her finger. He'd then pulled the second one out of his other pocket and handed it to her to put on his finger.

Showing the second ring to Andromeda, she broke into a fresh bout of tears. Andromeda embraced Tonks again, only this time for a different reason. "My darling…"

"He died trying to get me to escape. He told me to hide while he fought them off," Tonks muttered. " He tossed me his wedding ring for safekeeping, and then I…I…hid. It was Dolohov…who killed him."

"I hope Dolohov is rotting…"

"One of the Professors got him later," said Tonks. "But damn it all!"

Andromeda looked upstairs. "Teddy will be glad to see you, do you want me to get him?"

"No," said Tonks. "I'll see him in the morning. But he looks too much like Remus for me to hold him now."

"I'm making tea, hold on," said Andromeda. Tonks sat on the sofa and curled up into a ball. She stared at a picture on the coffee table of herself and Remus. Tonks was sitting on the sofa, and Remus was sitting beside her and running his hand over her pregnant belly, looking happy and proud. Tonks' hair was bright pink and she was smiling widely. It was like watching a train wreck: something you didn't want to see, but still you couldn't take your eyes off it. The last thing Tonks wanted to see was Remus' smiling face right now.

Andromeda came back into the room with two cups and saucers. Tonks refused to touch her tea.

"I wish…I wish I didn't obey Remus' wish."

"Wish?"

"He ordered me to hide and save myself. He told me to…to not be brave and to run," she confessed. "He was determined that at least one of us got home to Teddy."

Tonks leaned her head on her mother's shoulder. Andromeda comforted her daughter. "I wanted to die beside him. He died alone. He's lonely now, wherever he is!"

"No he's not," insisted Andromeda. "He's got Sirius, and James and Lily Potter. Mad-Eye is probably there too," she listed. "And all the others who gave themselves for the Order of the Phoenix."

"I just wish I was there with him," Tonks moaned. Andromeda thought a moment and smiled. She took Tonks' hand in hers. "Come with me."

Andromeda led Tonks up the stairs and down a hallway in the house she'd never been in before. It was her parents' hallway. Tonks was always expressively forbidden from going down that hallway since birth.

"Mum, this is your part of the house—"

"—I think it's time you were down this way…there's something here that I think will make you feel a little better…"

Andromeda began running a little faster, Tonks, in her exhausted state, could barely keep up. "MOTHER! What is this about? Stop!"

And she did. Tonks' jaw dropped. Before her was a large portrait of her 2nd cousin, Sirius Black. He appeared to be sleeping.

"I had it painted the summer before he died," Andromeda said. "We were very close, he and I. And, as I understand, he was close to Remus too," Andromeda hinted. "We talk almost every night, sometimes for hours. He helped me a lot after your father was killed."

Tonks was speechless. Andromeda leaned in close to the painting. "Sirius! Pst! Sirius!"

Sirius woke up. "Huh? Andromeda! Tonks? Well, good…um…evening…"

"I'm sorry to have woken you," said Andromeda. "I'm sure you know why I did."

Sirius nodded solemnly. "I am so sorry, Tonks."

Tonks looked at the floor. Andromeda squeezed her daughter's hand before dropping it.

"I'll leave you two alone," she said, going into her bedroom and closing the door. Tonks felt awkward. Sirius saw that and spoke first.

"You know he's perfectly happy where he is now. I've talked to him so much in the past 24 hours, he says he feels like a new man."

"He's really feeling good?" Tonks asked, looking up at Sirius. Sirius smiled and nodded.

"He doesn't have to transform anymore, that's a plus for him. He looks a lot younger. He was looking so old for his age up until now. And he chit-chats on and on about you and the baby," said Sirius. Tonks frown straightened, no so much into a smile, but her face was less frownish.

"I'll bring him by here tomorrow," Tonks promised.

"I'd love that," Sirius said. Tonks twisted her wedding ring around on her finger. They were silent for a moment.

"Can you bring him here?" asked Tonks. Sirius shook his head.

"I don't think so. There aren't any portraits of him in the house," Sirius said. Tonks groaned. She felt hot tears flood her eyes again. "I…I regret not being at your wedding," Sirius continued. "I still think I can give you a present, though."

"Why on earth would you give me a wedding present now?" asked Tonks. "Of all times!"

"I just need to see your wedding ring," Sirius said. Tonsk, confused, took Remus' ring out of her pocket and held it up in front of Sirius as he studied and pondered it. "Hmm…yes, turn it, please? HA!"

Tonks jumped back. "What is it?"

"I knew Remus would think of that! You ring isn't made of silver, Tonks. It's made of Pulsametal…"

"Pulsametal?" asked Tonks. "I've never heard of it."

"Not many people have. But Remus would have. Certainly. Pulsametal is a handy little metal. You throw it into a fire, and name engraved on the metal will come back to earth for an hour," informed Sirius.

"But both of our names are on this ring!" Tonks said.

"But you're already on earth!" said Sirius, smiling. Tonks stared at her ring. If this wasn't a joke…if this was REALLY Pulsametal….

"But, won't the ring be destroyed if I throw it in the fire?" Tonks asked. Sirius thought a moment.

"Yes," said Sirius. "That's why not many people like Pulsametal. Because it can only be used once, and once the hour is up, the metal turns to ash. Not many people would throw a wedding ring or family heirloom into the fire for only an hour with a loved one…"

"But I have two rings," said Tonks, flashing the second ring on her hand. Sirius smiled.

"So you have two hours with Remus!" Sirius said.

"But my rings will be destroyed!"

"But your memories never will be!" Sirius said. :If you want my advice, use the one in your hand now, if you feel like it. Then, put the other one on a chain around your neck and save it for a very special occasion," Sirius advised. Tonks stared at Remus' ring. It was a key to seeing Remus again one more time. "It's you're choice, of course. But if I were you, I'd want to have some closure with my lost love, seeming as you got deprived of your closure time with Remus trying to save your own neck."

Tonks nodded. She walked up to Sirius' portrait and kissed Sirius on the cheek. "Thank you, Sirius," she muttered.

"I'll be here whenever you need me," Sirius promised. Tonks nodded and ran back downstairs.

For an hour, Tonks stood in front of the fireplace thinking to herself. This wasn't an easy choice to make. Was it too soon to see Remus again? What if she needed him later in life but didn't have her ring left? Then she'd have wasted her only existing possession of his left. Tonks bit her lip and listened to the rain pouring outside. Then again, maybe Sirius was right. Tonks needed some closure with Remus. She'd feel a lot better afterwards. Of course, no amount of time with her husband could completely kill the pain. But what one hour could do to ease her mind…

It was one in the morning when Tonks made her decision. She took a chain from the coffee table and took her ring off her finger, putting on the chain and fastening it around her neck. She took Remus' ring and kissed it. Holding her breath, she stared into the fire and tossed the ring into it. She watched the flames turn blue as she stood back. The smoke emitted from the blue flame as it consumed the Pulsametal enveloped the whole room. Then, out of the smoky mist, walked Remus, a full body. Only, he didn't look like Remus. He did look livelier, younger, and happier. He gave her a soft smile.

"I was wondering how long with would take you to realize why I gave you my ring before I told you to go hide," Remus said. Tonks grinned (it felt so weird) and ran into his arms. Tonks had anticipated a ghost of him or something, but Remus was here as much in body as he was in spirit.

Remus and Tonks had so much to talk about! They quietly snuck up to their old bedroom and stared at the sleeping baby they made together on Remus' request. For much of the hour, Tonks filled Remus in on the results of the battle and how Voldemort was defeated. Then, they'd discussed Tonks hiding instead of fighting to save Remus.

"Dora, if you'd decided to try and save me, we wouldn't be in any better a situation. It'd just be you resurrected for an hour and I'd be the widowed one," Remus reasoned. Tonks realized that this was true.

"But I would have died for you in an instant anyways!" Tonks protested.

"But I died for you instead! Can't you be happy with that?" asked Remus. Tonks felt a tear come to her eye, but Remus quickly wiped it away. "Please? Be happy, for me?"

Tonks nodded in agreement. They looked down at their son. "I think you need to hold him one more time," she said. Remus beamed as he picked up Teddy Lupin out of his crib. The baby stirred and woke, but didn't cry. He simply stared up at Remus and smiled.

"Well, he may be like you," Remus said, "But there's no question he's got my smile…"

Tonks had to smile as Remus said that. Maybe the ring wasn't the last relic of Remus left on earth. Teddy was here, after all. Tonks realized as Teddy grew up, even if Remus was gone, Teddy was technically half of Remus, and so maybe he never really would be gone from her life. Even if Tonks had a million rings of Pulsametal, Teddy was worth more than that. Remus looked satisfied as Tonks' hair changed color.

"You're staying with me forever," she said. "You'll just be in another form," Tonks confirmed. Remus nodded.

"I can feel even better in afterlife knowing that you see me every time Teddy smiles at you."

Tonks nodded in return and sighed peacefully. Suddenly, an alarm went off on the clock by Tonks' bed. Remus looked at Tonks with a somewhat sad look.

"We have five minutes left," he said. Handing Teddy to his mother. The three of them headed downstairs and back to the fireplace. Tonks groaned woefully. "An hour isn't long enough. I just might throw this one in for another hour," she suggested, touching her ring on the chain. Remus shook his head.

"No, Dora," Remus said quickly, putting his hands over hers. "I want you to save this for a very special day," he said.

"Like what? Let's agree on a day," Tonks suggested. "A day really worthwhile to bring you back for an hour."

Remus thought a moment. "Dora, save this ring for the day our son gets married," he suggested. Tonks smiled.

"I think that's a wonderful idea," said Tonks. "That will be a long, long time from now," she moaned.

"But you still have the portrait of Sirius upstairs outside your mum's room," Remus reminded her. "Give Sirius some news for me once in awhile, who knows? I might just give you some news back!"

Tonks smiled and laughed lightly. Remus put a smooth hand on her face. "That's the Dora I love seeing. I don't want you crying over me for too long, okay? Have your sad times for a little while, but I don't want to hear from Sirius that you're still sleeping on the sofa ten years from now. He's going to keep an eye on you for me from now on, I told him too!"

Tonks sighed yet again. Remus looked at the clock. He bent down and kissed Teddy on the forehead. "Now, you save that young man, because that's got to last you at least 20 years!"

Remus then stood up straight and kissed Tonks sweetly on the mouth. "Same goes for you," he demanded. Tonks nodded.

"Yes, sir!" she said with mock strictness. Remus looked at his wife one last time.

"Goodbye, Nymphadora!" Remus waved. His feet began turning into smoke.

"Just because you're dead doesn't me you have the right to call me that deplorable name!" Tonks called back.

"Why not? It's a beautiful name!" Remus winked before he dissolved back into a smoky mist that was quickly sucked back into the fireplace. The fire then snuffed itself out. Tonks set the again-sleeping Teddy on the sofa and went to the fireplace. She sifted through the ash and dust. Nothing was left of Remus' wedding ring. Tonks felt herself erupt in tears again. She scooped teddy up in her arms and took him back upstairs to bed. Tonks headed back out into the hallway to go downstairs. The tears were still pouring silently down her face. He was gone again. The next time she would see him would be only for another miniscule hour decades from now.

Suddenly, Tonks stopped. She had just passed the long mirror mounted on the wall outside the bathroom. Tonks studied herself curiously. She was still crying.

But her hair was bubble-gum pink.

And that's when Tonks realized that everything was going to be okay.


	12. Celebrating Good Time in Therapy!

**"Celebrating Good Times in Therapy!"****—a Comedy**

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_**June 9, 1976 **_

_**Dear Hogwarts Record Office, **_

_**You requested that the following four patients be seen by me for an unset number of group therapy sessions: James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew; for reasons unstated. I willingly let them speak freely about what was on their minds and only interrupted to ask questions and provide neutral commentary. **_

_**I briefly noted the appearances of each of the patients, all of which were appropriately dressed and groomed, with the exception of James Potter, who wore a tee-shirt depicting a redheaded girl actively rubbing her hand against his chest in a seductive manner. **_

_**The following is a transcript on what was said, to be filed within the patients' accounts: **_

_"Good afternoon, I'm glad you all made it today!"_

SIRIUS BLACK: That makes one of us.

JAMES POTTER: You said it, Pads.

_"Remus?__ Peter? How are you feeling today?"_

REMUS LUPIN: Just fine, thank you.

PETER PETTIGREW: Yes, very well.

SIRIUS: Liars.

_"Sirius, you seem very skeptical about being here, what's on your mind?"_

JAMES: Mind? What mind?

SIRIUS: I know not this 'mind' you speak of.

REMUS: It's true. Sirius is a mindless drooling moron.

_"Alright then, Peter?"_

PETER: Yes.

_"How do you feel about being here today? __Anything on your mind?"_

PETER: Well, kind of. I ate some of the goulash before coming here and I think it's catching up with me…

JAMES: I can't believe you ate that crap. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

_"Now, let's be nice to each other…"_

REMUS: They are being nice to each other, ma'am.

_"Oh?"_

SIRIUS: Oh yes! It's a game we play. You know, James gives Remus a swirly, Remus gives me a purple-nurple, I set Peter's hair on fire…it's all in good fun, really.

JAMES: Just last week I knocked Sirius unconscious for a full 40 minutes!

SIRIUS: Yeah, about that, I'm going to have to run your underpants up the flagpole for that one.

JAMES: Thanks for the warning.

SIRIUS: No problem.

_"Now, you're all here for a specific incident that occurred at Hogwarts this past term, would you mind telling me about it? Peter, you haven't spoken much…"_

PETER: Well, it all started three days ago when James was jerking—

JAMES: DETAILS, WORMY! DETAILS!

PETER: Fine….HUGGING a picture of Lily Evans in the shower, when suddenly someone charmed the showerheads to stop spouting water and start spouting piping-hot marinara sauce…

SIRIUS: James squealed like a girl for about 30 minutes…

JAMES: Again with the details!

REMUS: And I discovered that it was this Slytherin boy we all loathe. Snivellus Snape.

SIRIUS: So we set out to kill his ass.

_"This '__Snape__' boy, does he taunt you a lot?"_

JAMES: Er, not exactly.

SIRIUS: Usually we're the one who beat his ass out on the playground.

REMUS: He just happened to catch James here in an off moment.

PETER: Wait…we have a playground?

_"So what did you do?"_

SIRIUS: Well, turnabout is fair play, right? We jinxed his underwear to make it look like he was always…um…

JAMES: 'Up and ready to play,' so to speak!

SIRIUS: Genius, really. My idea.

REMUS: Wrong, I researched the jinx!

PETER: That's when all hell broke loose. It appeared that Snivellus wasn't about to take it anymore.

_"What happened then?"_

JAMES: After he got his underwear to behave, he put banners up all over the school that had ME kissing Minerva McGonagall, one of our professors. Then we jinxed his hair to look like a rainbow-colored afro. Then he set off fireworks spreading vicious rumors about all of us…

SIRIUS: Some of them said that I want to sleep with Remus!

REMUS: Well, you do—

SIRIUS: --REGARDLESS! He totally trashed my image as a ladies' man!

JAMES: You're not a ladies' man! You've been going out with Bastet Pollux for 3 years!

SIRIUS: She's got a great bod!

JAMES: Which I hear she refuses to give you!

PETER: Wait…GIVE her body to Sirius? That doesn't make sense!

REMUS: Yes it does, Wormy. I'll explain later.

_"So…why don't we veer off topic for a little bit and TALK about this __BastetPollux__, Sirius? In your file, it says that your relationship with her has been 'on the rocks' lately, and that has led to some hostile behavior…"_

JAMES: You said the secret word, thanks a freakin' lot.

SIRIUS: Hostile behavior?

_"Yes. Why don't you talk for a moment on how things are with __her.__"_

SIRIUS: Well, things have been pretty crappy with her since she and James both made the Gryffindor Quidditch team and I didn't…which came as a HUGE surprise to me—

REMUS: Surprise?!

JAMES: You thought the Bludgers were made of rubber!

PETER: And that the three hoops on the end of the field were for throwing the Snitch after you caught it!

SIRIUS: Regardless! Bastet started getting some…ahem…ATTENTION for the opposite sex, and soon, I heard that she'd been ACCEPTING some of their offers!

JAMES: Please, you drama queen! She offered to tutor Frank Longbottom in Potions!

SIRIUS: No way. She was cheating!

REMUS: What did she tell you?

SIRIUS: That she was tutoring Frank Longbottom in Po—oh shit.

_"So this misunderstanding, I assume, is what broke you up?"_

SIRIUS: Actually, we never broke up. Hot arguments pave the way for even hotter make-up sex, don't you know!

JAMES: coughcough**VIRGIN**coughcough….

SIRIUS: Ah, who asked you?!

_So, what were some of the 'hostile behaviors' you were doing in her absence?__"_

SIRIUS: I didn't…

REMUS: He made the girls' dormitory smell like rotten meat on a rainy weekend...then locked the door.

JAMES: He nearly set Snivellus on fire. And he came within a centimeter of scalping Arthur Weasley with a spatula…

PETER: Me too!

REMUS: He was hysterical!

SIRIUS: Was NOT!

_"Okay, how about a change of subject….Remus!"_

REMUS: Uhn?

_"How is life going for you right about now?"_

REMUS: Um…okay.

_"Anything you feel you need to get off your chest?"_

SIRIUS: He's in love with me.

REMUS: Shut up, Pads!

PETER: Wait, I thought it was Pads that liked Moony?

JAMES: Yup, Wormy. Plain as day: Bastet's a beard.

SIRIUS: I didn't say it was REQUITED!

JAMES: Yeah, you pretty much did the day I caught you in your werewolf-fur underwear.

SIRIUS: It was JANUARY! How can you expect—

JAMES: _**WEREWOLF FUR UNDERWEAR!!!**_

REMUS: GASP! Sirius!

PETER: Icky-yucky!!

_"So, perhaps your unrequited love for Remus is the core of your anger issues?"_

SIRIUS: I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!

JAMES: Yeah. Next thing you're gonna say is that she lives in Canada!

SIRIUS: She goes to SCHOOL WITH US, Prongs!!!

REMUS: Don't hate me because my chest is hairy, Padfoot!

SIRIUS: Watch it, Remus…

PETER: Pads, don't be afraid to be in touch with your hidden secrets! Gay is okay…after all, that's the way I swing!

JAMES: Totally…wait…what?

PETER: Oh, you guys didn't know? I've been out for a year now!

REMUS: Really? You crushing on me, too?

SIRIUS: Come off it, Wolf Boy.

PETER: Um, not exactly…

_"Remember, Peter, everything said in this room, stays in this room."_

PETER: Yeah, okay. I'm kinda in love with….

JAMES: Yeah?

PETER: Lucius Malfoy!

SIRIUS: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

PETER: I KNOW you'd laugh!

JAMES: Why on earth THAT git, Worms?

SIRIUS: Really!

JAMES: Especially because Padfoot's in the same boat as you and twice as charming to boot…

SIRIUS: I'll kick your carcass from here to London, Prongs.

PETER: His hair smells like Snickerdoodles, and it's silky-smooth!

JAMES: How do YOU know what his hair smells like, Peter?

PETER: I keep a lock of it in my diary. The one with the Lisa Frank Dalmatian on the cover…

SIRIUS: Oh yes, the one that says you have that recurring nightmare about drowning in a vat of creamed corn…

JAMES: Is that the same one where you record your –ahem—MANLY growth every fortnight and record it?

PETER: Yes, exactly.

JAMES: By the way, you're always on bottom, right?

PETER: Yes.

JAMES: Figures. You can write down as many numbers you want, but they're not going up any…

PETER: Hey, I can dream!

_"The session's almost over. __Any final comments?"_

JAMES: Yeah, I REALLY want to come back soon…

PETER: Me too. That was so…liberating.

JAMES: I know what you mean.

SIRIUS: Speak for yourselves.

REMUS: True story.

SIRIUS: And if ANY of you tell Bastet that she's my beard, I'll make you wish you never met me!

REMUS: Too late.

JAMES: Wait…WHAT did Pads just say?

REMUS: Oooh…

SIRIUS: What?

JAMES: You just told us not to admit to Bastet that SHE'S YOUR BEARD!!

SIRIUS: Hypothetically!

REMUS: Liar.

SIRIUS: Hey, come on! No fair!

JAMES: Freudian slip!

SIRIUS: No way!

PETER: Sirius, don't be afraid! Gay is okay!

SIRIUS: I'm NOT GAY!!!!!

_**Doctor's Brief Analysis: **__**After**__** speaking with the four young gentlemen as seen above, I can only say that…I will NOT be seeing them again. As far as diagnoses go: James is a **__**Narcissic**____**toerag**__**, Remus has absolutely no self-esteem, Peter is just plain **__**hopeless,**__** and Sirius is gayer than Christmas. **_

_**As for me, what can I say? I LOVE **__**Polyjuice**__** Potion! That will certainly teach **__**Ye**____**Olde**__** Marauders to make the girls' dormitory smell like rotten meat on a rainy weekend! **_

_**Lovingly Signed, Lily Evans **_

_**PS: I can't wait until Bastet gets a load of THIS!**_


	13. Preview of To See a Thestral

_**The Marauders Now Present a Special Sneak Peek of:**_

_**"To See a Thestral"**_

_**(Currently **__**A**__** Work-In-Progress)**_

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"Nymphadora? George? Ginny?"

Andromeda's voice was what woke the threesome, who had literally cried themselves to sleep right in that corner of the kitchen. Ginny's head was in Tonks' lap, Tonks was sitting up against the wall, and George was sprawled out at Tonks' feet, curled up in a loose version of a fetal position. Tonks looked out the window. The rain was relentless, but as it was coming on nightfall, it was getting harder to see.

The three woke up and immediately scrambled to their feet. Andromeda turned to the two redheads.

"Your father wants to see you upstairs," she instructed. The siblings left the room. She then turned to her daughter. "Follow me."

Tonks obeyed as Andromeda guided her down the corridor…and began taking her through some unfamiliar twists and turns.

"Mum, where's Teddy?"

"Arthur put him to sleep, he's still napping," answered Andromeda.

"Where are we going?"

Andromeda stopped in a large, musky-smelling bedroom. "This was—"

"—Aunt Walburga's room," Tonks finished, looking around. "Why are we here? No one at Order meetings ever came in here."

"You'll see," Andromeda, said, almost with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. She went to the armoire door and opened it. She shoved aside some old-fashioned robes and revealed a small, narrow stairwell. Tonks gasped.

"Why….where does that…what does that…how come…" was all she could utter. Andromeda seemed to know what she was trying to ask.

"No one in the Order knew about this place…well, save for one," Andromeda answered. _"__Lumos__,"_ she whispered, taking out her oak wood wand. The wand lit up, and Tonks began following Andromeda down the staircase.

"Dumbledore?" asked Tonks.

"Of course not. This is the Black Family Home, so—"

"—Sirius knew about this place," Tonks replied. Andromeda nodded. "What about Remus? Or Molly?"

"No Order member but Sirius knew about this place, you understand?"

"Why? Why are you taking me down here?"

"We need to have a chat with someone."

Tonks didn't ask any more questions. Her voice was so strained from her mass sobs and cries, she didn't want to screw it up even more.

Upon reaching the bottom of the staircase, Andromeda led her daughter into a small room with portraits hanging on all four walls. All of them were of Blacks. Deceased Blacks. Even the disowned Blacks had their pictures on this wall. Tonks shuddered as one particular picture caught her eye.

Bellatrix was sleeping in her portrait. Wait…how could she have a picture down here after only one day of being dead?

"How…how come Bellatrix is…it's only been…?"

"It's a family secret," Andromeda answered. "It's a mystery. But every time a blood Black dies, their portrait is immediately hung here. The door will be locked until it is up. Even the disowned Blacks are here, because blood is even thicker than Aunt Walburga's head. Nymphadora, welcome to the Hall of Blacks."

Tonks gaped at the walls of her deceased ancestors. Many looked at her strangely, a few smiled pleasantly at her and nodded there heads, and a few were snoozing away as if no one was there. It occurred to her that she was half Black herself. It made a cold shudder fall down her spine. It was odd. Tonks never considered herself to be a Black. Yet, disowned or not, these men and women were her ancestors, and some of those portraits looked like they'd been there for centuries.

Andromeda continued. "When I die, my portrait will hang here. Even though you're only half Black, your portrait will hang here too, because you still have the blood in your veins. Teddy's picture will too, and so will any children he has one day. And, I much as I wish it weren't so, Draco Malfoy and his children as well."

Tonks felt her skin freeze as one particular name immediately came to mind. "So…Sirius' portrait is—"

"—right here," Andromeda finished, pointing to a medium-sized portrait of Sirius Black from the chest up. He seemed to be reading a book. Andromeda cleared her voice, and Sirius looked up, smiling.

"What took you so long?"

"You know very well what we're going through," Andromeda said. Tonks looked almost horrified.

"Tonks, how are you feeling?" asked Sirius. Tonks, going white as a ghost in the face, shook her head. Hearing his voice was almost surreal. It made her eardrums throb…or maybe that was something else…what should she SAY?

"Terrible."

Sirius nodded, understandingly. "I figured as much. But if it's any consolation to you, Remus is doing just fine, Tonks. He's chatted with me and James all day about you and Teddy as if you two were the Queen and King of the Universe. He's doing well. Be happy with that at least," Sirius said. Tonks was unresponsive. She was still drinking in the sound of her dear cousin's voice.

"And Ted? Is here there?" asked Andromeda. Tonks looked up hearing her mother mention her father.

"Ted talks about you so much, and about the years I missed watching you grow up, Tonks. Sometimes we can't get him to shut up, really," Sirius said, smiling. Andromeda smiled, but Tonks didn't.

"That's exactly what Ted would do. Has he told you about the time he got us lost on a hike and Nymphadora found the way home?"

"Oh yes!" Sirius said, grinning. "It was a scream!"

As Andromeda and Sirius carried on a conversation like two old buddies, Tonks felt the need to interrupt, or else she felt she was going to explode. "Mum, you really think I'm in the mood for this? You really think I can handle this right now?" Tonks began shaking again.

"Nymphadora, you're acting like a—"

"—Mum, just let me BE! I don't want nor need any of this group therapy damnation! Leave me ALONE!" Tonks shrieked, turning to run back up the staircase, tears flooding her eyes again. Sirius suddenly called out.

"What if I could tell you I know where you can find Remus?" he called. Tonks stopped dead on the first stair, and turned slowly around.

"Remus is dead," Tonks said with a low voice.

Sirius nodded his head. "Yes, but that really doesn't matter, does it? After all, it didn't stop me…"


End file.

Harry Potter, Drama, Humor