Legend of Zelda 1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! As written in my profile, I was the original creator of the LOZ bachelor/bachelorette series on the forums. If any of you were on there, my screen name was **_**Mrs. Dragmire**_**. Some of my fans have copied my stories almost word for word and submitted them to this website. I am here to take back my throne! So without further ranting, I bring to you…The Legend of Zelda: Bachelorette Ordon Smack down.**

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"Greetings everyone! I am your host and task giver. You may call me Vaati's Servant or VS for short." I bow to everyone and introduce the participants. "Our 10 lucky contestants are: Link, Darunia, Mido, Ganondorf, Zant, Vaati, Shad, Dark Link, Tingle, and, last but not least, Telma."

"Telma!" Exclaimed the other contestants. "Telma, I thought you were in love with Renado?" asked Shad. "Well, honey," Telma began, "I go both ways." She winked at the crowd and they stared at her with a stunned expression on their faces. I walked over by the curtain and stood there.

"Now, I would like to introduce our bachelorette…Ilia!" I removed the curtain to reveal Ilia waving to the crowd. She was dressed in her usual everyday attire, except her hair had a barrette in it. She walked over to everyone and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you all!"

"Holy crap! Ilia, you're the bachelorette?" An astonished Link asked.

"Geez, Link, you must be blind and deaf."

"Shut up, Vaati!" Link exclaimed.

"Ladies, please stop fighting." I said as the others snickered, "You all need to focus on the task at hand. I will give you a challenge later, but for now, let's go see where you all will be staying!" I waved my hand for them to follow me down the path to the other side of Ordon Village. Link and Vaati scowled under their breaths for what I had called them and, reluctantly, followed the group. We came up to a large ranch and I turned around to the group. "For now on, this will be your new home."

"Whoa, when was this built?" asked Ilia.

"Two days ago…" I replied. "But anyways, you will all be sharing this house and I expect all of you to be respectful of each other. Any questions?"

"I have one," said Mido, "How did Ganondorf get released from the Sacred Realm?"

Everyone turned around and looked at Ganondorf, who was setting the goats on fire. "What?" He asked, "I was let out early for good behavior." They turned and looked at each other and then to me. I shrugged and said, "What can I say? The Goddesses are on crack." Everyone, except for Ganondorf, nodded their head in agreement. Ganondorf scowled and, this time, set a cow on fire. "Poor cow." Said Dark Link and he took off his hat and held it over his chest.

"Well," Zant began, "look on the bright side, at least we get to have hamburgers tonight!" Everyone nodded their head and cheered. "I can't eat the cow." Said Tingle, "I am a virgin."

"Vegetarian." Darunia corrected. "But yeah…I can see why you're still a virgin."

"Well, his looks give it away." Said Link.

"Look who's talking. You two are practically dressed alike." Vaati sneered.

"Says the guy who looks like a girl." Shad said, stunning everyone with his words. "Wow, Shad, I didn't know you had it in you." Said Ilia. Shad replied, "Sorry, I have Turrets."

"Okay, let's go inside and you guys can check out your new home." I said as I opened the door. They walked inside and looked around. Then they went upstairs and noticed that some of the doors had two names on each of them. "These," I began, "are your rooms. You will each have a roommate. Don't worry, guys, there are two beds in each room."

"Oh hell no! I am not rooming with him!" Link shouted.

"I am not looking forward to this either, Linky Poo." Vaati scowled.

"Cool, I get to room with a rock!" Mido exclaimed.

"Watch it, kid." Darunia warned and clenched his fists.

"Alright, guys, get some sleep because your first challenge starts tomorrow. Until then," I said as I turned towards the camera, "tune in next time for our next episode of The Bachelorette!"


	2. Work For Your Breakfast

"Welcome back to The Bachelorette: Ordon Smackdown." I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. "We are up at the crack of dawn for our first challenge."

Everyone walks out of the house rubbing their eyes, yawning, and cursing silently. Unfortunately, they were still in their pajamas, clueless as to how messy they were about to get. Ilia, however, was very cheerful. Since she lives in a small farming village, she is used to getting up early.

"What is the meaning of this?" Zant complained, "I need my beauty sleep."

"Honey, no amount of sleep could ever make you beautiful." Telma said and everyone snickered while Zant pouted.

"But, seriously," said Dark Link, "why are we up so early?"

"And why weren't we fed? Tingle is hungry." Tingle piped in.

"All very good questions." I replied. "Please, follow me to the barn." I waved them to follow and they complied. Inside the barn were rows upon rows of chickens sitting on their nests. Outside the barn, pigs were roaming free and grazing. "This task will allow you to work for your breakfast." I began as they looked at me like I am nuts. "You must fill your baskets to the brim with eggs without breaking them. Then, set your baskets in front of the sign that has your name on it. Once you have completed that task, go outside the barn, catch a pig, and put it in the corral. The first person to complete these tasks successfully wins a date with Ilia, while the rest of you losers stay home and vote someone out. Of course, the person who wins the date is safe from elimination."

"This should be a piece of cake." Vaati said as his lips formed a wicked grin.

"But," I continued, "no magic is allowed."

"What!" Vaati exclaimed. "This is blasphemy!"

"It doesn't seem fair!" Ganondorf boomed.

"It sounds fair to me." Mido crossed his arms. "That way you oafs can't cheat."

"Everybody shut up and line up!" I shouted. "Now, on your marks. Get set...GO!"

Darunia was the first to leave his spot. He curled up and rolled into the barn. The others followed suit and ran up to the chickens. Shad ran up to a chicken and picked it up. "I am so sorry." He said as he grabbed the eggs and sat the chicken back down. Link grabbed one of the chickens and proceeded to take the eggs, but the chicken wouldn't allow it. "Hey, stop it! Ow! Gah!" Link shouted as it started pecking him. He ran out of the barn with three chickens in hot pursuit. I shook my head and stated, "Link has been disqualified." "Poor Link." Ilia said as she shook her head. Vaati smirked at Link's plight and grabbed one of the chickens. It started clucking wildly and flapping its wings. "Stop it! Stop I say!" He began shouting. "Stop clucking, damn you!" With that, he set the chicken on fire. "Vaati is disqualified!" I shouted.

"That's not fair!" He exclaimed.

"For one thing," I pointed out, "you used magic and second...YOU KILLED THE DAMN CHICKEN!"

"It deserved it!" He shouted as he stomped out of the barn. Darunia was the first to fill his basket and set it under his sign. He ran outside to catch the pig. He was closely followed by Telma, Tingle, Zant, and Shad. Dark Link would have joined them, but the was too busy throwing eggs at Ganondorf, who was, in turn, throwing chickens at Dark Link in retaliation. I sighed, "Ganondorf and Dark Link are disqualifi-AAACK!" I ducked just in time as eggs and a few chickens zoomed past my head.

Meanwhile, Telma, Darunia, Tingle, Zant, and Shad were trying to catch the pig that was desperate not to be caught. Shad tried coaxing it with food, but the pig knew better. It ran a few laps around the barn and the corral in an attempt to evade capture. Tingle stood in front of the approaching pig with his arms stretched out. "Hello, piggy. Tingle will save you." He said. The pig jumped over Tingle and continued to run. "Oh, my..." Tingle said with wide eyes as Darunia was rolling too fast to stop. Poor Tingle couldn't move in time.

When I was finally able to escape the barn, I looked over at Tingle's mangled, bloody body and said, "Well, I guess we don't need to eliminate anyone tonight." Ilia walked over and poked him. "Yup, he's dead." We ran to the rest of the group when we heard someone cheering followed by a bunch of tired, angry groaning. Ilia and I ran towards the noise to see Zant lying tiredly over the pig.

"Zant is the winner!" I shouted, "Congratulations!"

Zant just waved his hand and passed out. The other contestants ran over and collapsed to the ground panting. "So," Ilia began cheerfully, "whose up for breakfast?" Everyone began groaning and passed out.


End file.

Legend of Zelda, Humor