Bleach 1. Floor Rules

_FLOOR RULES_

_1. For the sake of not being anti-social, showers are forbidden between the hours of midnight and six am._

_2. Other activities forbidden during these hours include using the hand-dryer (use a towel), blow-drying your hair (yes, Orihime, it looks lovely, but you still have eighteen hours a day free for blow-drying), loud phone conversations (Rukia, this means you. Aren't you and Renji capable of being civil to each other? I thought you were supposed to be friends), and playing the trumpet. (Are you just doing this to annoy me, Ichigo?)_

_3. If you're going to cook curry or fish, at least have the decency to light the odour-eliminating candle I bought for precisely this purpose for at least fifteen minutes afterwards. It's next to the microwave._

_4. Speaking of the microwave, PLEASE cover any food you put in it before you heat it up. I don't want to have to spend the entire year scraping crusty food off the roof of it._

_5. Ichigo is not allowed near matches. End of discussion._

_6. Weapons are not to be left in the communal areas. If I walk into the kitchen and find Zangetsu, Sode no Shirayuki or any fairies sitting by the sink, they're going straight into the skip on the building site up the road. I will not be arrested for harbouring swords or breaking the laws of physics._

_7. Just generally tidy up after yourself in the communal areas and you won't incur my wrath._

_I reserve the right to add to this list as I see fit. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Dramatic as always, Uryu. -Chad

* * *

Hey, genius. How the hell am I supposed to light one of your pansy-ass candles if I'm not allowed near matches? Would you rather I used Getsuga Tensho? Actually, I wonder if that would work... -Ichigo

* * *

_Rukia, if Ichigo has trouble lighting the candles with only the power of his tiny little mind, would you mind doing that for him? And preferably not with kido... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Not a problem. Hey, Ichigo, could you show me how matches work? - Rukia~~

* * *

_NOPE. I'll show you myself when you get back from your lecture later. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Hello everybody! To celebrate moving into this corridor, I decided to make cookies for everybody! The plate is on the communal dining table. Don't worry, Uryu, I remembered to use the candle after I cooked them! Unfortunately, I kind of forgot I had left the candle burning so I'm afraid it's burned out, so you're going to have to buy a new one. I'm so sorry! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_(Sigh) That's all right, Orihime. Thank you for the cookies. They look delicious. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Hey, is nobody alarmed about the fact that Orihime used the curry-and-fish candle after having made cookies? -Ichigo


	2. Fireballs

_Okay. Whoever gave Ichigo the matches, own up. You can do so anonymously, I just want an admission of guilt. I need to know that SOMEBODY is taking responsibility for this. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

HEY, Uryu, what am I supposed to have done this time? -Ichigo

* * *

_Don't play dumb, Ichigo, I know all about the fireballs in the stairwell. What do you have to say for yourself? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I AM INNOCENT. Why am I always the first person you accuse of doing anything? Perhaps whatever it was was the delinquent on the floor above us. Didn't think about THAT, did you, Mr. Smartypants? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Calm down, both of you. I don't know what happened, but I don't want to have to read these insults every time I walk past the fridge. Can't you just be nice to each other? I'll make you more cookies if you do. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_I'm terribly sorry about this, Orihime, but if Ichigo's going to sprinkle flour down a staircase over a candle and end up scorching the stairwell ceiling he deserves a telling off. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I don't see any marks on the ceiling. -Chad

* * *

That's because he's talking out of his backside, Chad. -Ichigo

* * *

_Will you just take responsibility, Ichigo? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

NO, BECAUSE IT WASN'T ME. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Um. I may have a confession. -Rukia~~

* * *

Rukia, it was you? -Ichigo

* * *

~~Renji did it when he was visiting me a few days ago. His way of saying hi to Ichigo, or something. -Rukia~~

* * *

That's a bit of a rubbish way to say "hi", getting me in trouble with Princess House-Proud over something I didn't even do! -Ichigo

* * *

_Better a "princess" than a lout, Ichigo. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Hey, what did I say earlier? This arguing is really making me upset. Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Ack. Sorry, Orihime! -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Excuse me, but I think it's ME you owe an apology to. -Ichigo

* * *

_I'll make you some mackerel and miso soup if you shut up. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Will you use your poxy little candle afterwards? -Ichigo

* * *

_If it makes you happy. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**aww, look at the two organising a lovely candlelit dinner! -renji abarai**

* * *

Eff off, Renji, he's my cousin. -Ichigo

* * *

_DISTANT cousin. VERY distant. -Uryu Ishida_


	3. The Conversation That Never Happened

**hello my name is uryu ishida and i'm gay.**

* * *

*_Don't be mean, Renji. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Yeah, Rukia, can't you keep your pet monkey on a lead or something before he ends up getting me in trouble again? -Ichigo

* * *

**note how ishida's not even denying it. -renji abarai**

* * *

_I AM NOT GAY. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~You know, come to think of it, I've never seen any evidence of Uryu's straightness. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Not you too, Rukia... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

You SURE you're straight, Uryu? -Ichigo

* * *

_As a ruler. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**yeah, one of those bendy ones... -renji abarai**

* * *

_I hardly think this is a suitable topic to just leave scrawled across the fridge where anybody can read it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_It's okay, Uryu, I don't think you're gay! But even if you were gay, it wouldn't matter. Renji's just being childish. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**why do you say he's not, orihime? -renji abarai**

* * *

*_I think he likes a girl! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Whoa, do you have any evidence, Orihime? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Ichigo, you've seen how hard Uryu is willing to fight to protect __R...__ a certain girl, and how readily he will put himself in danger for her sake, even directly challenging extremely powerful opponents he knows he has barely a hope of defeating even with his best techniques! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Ah, you noticed that, Orihime? Uryu, I think she knows. It's probably best if you come clean now. -Chad

* * *

_I have torn up the last sheet of paper and burned it. This conversation never happened. Chad, please submit yourself to Sousuke Aizen for memory modification by hypnosis at your earliest convenience. You too, Orihime. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

... -Ichigo

* * *

Renji, if you're reading this, you are a freaking genius. -Ichigo

* * *

_On second thoughts, none of you are to ever talk to me again. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_I don't think I understand what just happened. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_GOOD. This conversation is over. -Uryu Ishida_


	4. The Elephants in the Room

~~Hey. Um, I have a question for everybody. You all know that kid's paddling pool in the middle of our communal area we've all kind of been skirting around for the last few weeks? The blue one with the elephants on it? The one that never gets discussed? I was just wondering whose it was. -Rukia~~

* * *

Dunno. I always kind of assumed it was yours, Midget. You're the only one of us small enough to use it. -Ichigo

* * *

_You're not very observant, are you, Ichigo? Nobody has been using it. It has a whacking great hole in the bottom and therefore would hold less water than a colander. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Is it yours then, Uryu? -Rukia~~

* * *

_Certainly not. I know just as much about it as you do.-Uryu Ishida_

* * *

It's not mine. -Chad

* * *

*_I'm afraid it's not mine, either. Although, if it didn't have the hole it would be great for serving cheese fondue! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_No, it wouldn't. A flame would melt right through the plastic and create another hole. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*Oh. :(_Well, then, perhaps that's how it got the hole in the first place! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Well, if it doesn't belong to any of us, somebody else must have put it there! -Rukia~~

* * *

At least we can be certain it wasn't Renji. -Ichigo

* * *

_What makes you say that, Ichigo? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Are you kidding? Renji would take something like this and use it for tobogganing down the stairs or something else stupid, he isn't subtle enough to waste its potential confusing us. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Yeah, you have a point. -Rukia~~

* * *

What are we going to do with it? -Chad

* * *

Leave it. It's fine where it is. I don't care. -Ichigo

* * *

~~No, I'm pretty fed up of dancing around it when I want to get between the living room and the kitchen. That's why I brought it up in the first place. -Rukia~~

* * *

YOU brought the pool up? Mystery solved. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Not like that, you idiot! I meant that's why I mentioned it. -Rukia~~

* * *

_That's an interesting idea. Bringing it up. Why don't we just take it upstairs and leave it in somebody else's communal area? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

That is probably the least considerate thing I have ever heard you say, Uryu. -Ichigo

* * *

Let's do it. -Ichigo


	5. Trip Hazard

**Author's notes: Whoa. Twenty-four hours later and this has nearly 600 views, four reviews, five favourites and seven follows. I totally wasn't expecting that. Thank you! I'm glad you are all enjoying this, and I value your feedback. I actually started writing this fic on a whim - you may have realised by now that I am actually a student. While I'm part-time and living with my parents myself, I know a great many full-time students in actual student accommodation surrounded by other actual students, and so far everything here has been based on true stories from one source or another. Including this chapter! Oh, university...**

* * *

_Just out of curiosity, who put that "CAUTION: TRIP HAZARD" road sign right inside the bathroom door? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

PLEASE tell me you tripped over it... -Ichigo

* * *

_... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_I am not going to give you that satisfaction. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~He totally tripped over it. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Oh my gosh! Uryu, are you okay? Do you want me to heal anything? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_I'm fine. Theoretically speaking, my pride would be bruised if I had fallen over, but I didn't so that's fine. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I think that's a lie. -Chad

* * *

You don't say. -Ichigo

* * *

**oi, uryu, you found my present for you then? -renji abarai**

* * *

_You mean this trip hazard sign was supposed to be for me? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**well yeah. me and ichigo thought that since you're too much of a pansy to steal your own traffic cone and road sign, we'd have to steal some for you. -renji abarai**

* * *

WAIT what happened to the traffic cone? -Ichigo

* * *

_You can't be serious. What use could I possibly have for a trip hazard sign and a traffic cone? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I dunno, you could put the cone on your head and do a dance or something. -Ichigo

* * *

_**What's this about Kon doing a dance? Laaaaadies... -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

~~Well, well. Look what the rat dragged in. -Rukia~~

* * *

_**RUUUKIIIIIIAAAAAA! Can I sleep in your sock drawer tonight? Pretty please? You'd be surprised how rarely Ichigo washes his socks... -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Draw (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

~~No. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Frankly I doubt any of us would be surprised about Ichigo's infrequent sock-washing. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**i can smell them from the next building over. -renji abarai**

* * *

_Are you the one who's been stealing my candles, Renji? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**yes. your flatmate, your responsibility. -renji abara****i**

* * *

_... Ichigo, you owe me money. -Uryu Ishida_


	6. Party, Take 1

_Whoever's idea it was to throw me a birthday party... I hate parties. Think it through next time and we'll all have less of a mess to clear up afterwards. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_In more than one sense of the word. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_You mean you didn't like it, Uryu? I'm sor... wait, what party? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Orihime, don't you find it odd that you can't remember anything that happened last night at all? -Ichigo

* * *

*_You're right! That is odd. How did you know? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Kon put quite a lot of alcohol in your lemonade, Orihime, and none of us realised until it was too late. We don't even understand how you didn't notice, it was a LOT of alcohol. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Oh! I probably couldn't taste it over the chillis I always put in my lemonade. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

You what? -Ichigo

* * *

**we found you at about three in the morning passed out on the sofa wearing a rabbit costume, orihime. -renji abarai**

* * *

Uryu had to carry you into your own room and put you to bed. -Chad

* * *

Oh, did he now? -Ichigo

* * *

_Shut up, Ichigo, somebody had to. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Gah! Uryu, you shouldn't have picked me up! I'm too heavy! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_No you're not, you're light as air. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Nel would be proud... -Ichigo

* * *

*_If you're sure. Well, that would explain why I woke up in the rabbit costume this morning! I thought I had just been sleepwalking... -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_**Oi! You keep your hands off my Orihime, Glasses! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Draw (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_Excuse me, I was just being a gentleman and making sure that Orihime was safe. YOU, on the other hand, are responsible for placing poor Orihime in a position in which she had to be looked after. Just saying. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~What are we going to do about the chocolate on the ceiling? We can't exactly mop it off now it's dried. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Of course there would be chocolate on the ceiling. I don't know why I thought there wouldn't be. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**uryu missed out on all the chocolate because as soon as the party started he retreated to the bathroom with a textbook until it was over. -renji abarai**

* * *

The ungrateful bastard. It was supposed to be his party and all. -Ichigo

* * *

_I just want to get it on the record that I'm not going to be the one sponging the blood (?) off the windows. Honestly, what must the people walking past and glancing up think? It looks like a crime scene. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~OH you mean the leftover mixture of cornflour, water and food colouring Ichigo and I cooked up for Hallowe'en last week with the intention of making fake blood but actually ending up with a fantabulous non-Newtonian fluid which solidifies when it's moving and drips when it's stationary? Yeah, this is why we didn't tell you about that at the time. -Rukia~~

* * *

We knew you'd take it badly. -Ichigo

* * *

**it has congealed a bit since then, though. -renji abarai**

* * *

*_OH something just occurred to me. When I woke up earlier I appeared to be clutching somebody's tie. Is anybody missing a tie? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_That would be mine. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**Now you're leaving your clothes in my precious Orihime's bedroom? Have you no shame? -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_EXCUSE ME._ _My tie got caught on Orihime's hairclip as I carried her and I thought it was better to take the tie off, leave it with her and collect it later, rather than wake her up. She was sleeping quite peacefully, if you ignore the fact that SHE WAS SEDATED. It would have been nothing more than uncouth to disturb her sleep. Is my name cleared yet? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Heck yeah, nobody in their right mind would ever make up such a lame story. It has to be the truth. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Now we've sorted that out, who's going to deal with the baby terrapin in the sink? -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Hey, Kon, are you in the market for a new roommate? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_**ONLY IF IT'S YOU, MY PRINCESS! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

THAT THING IS NOT LIVING IN MY SOCK DRAWER. -Ichigo

* * *

_That is truly a fate I wouldn't wish on anybody. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**... -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_... Except for Kon. -Uryu Ishida_


	7. Party, Take 2

_So, did you all enjoy last night? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I didn't want to ask at the time, because I thought that might make the atmosphere even more awkward, but what the hell was that supposed to be? -Ichigo

* * *

_A REAL party. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Man, that wasn't a party. That was five people and a stuffed lion sitting on sofas eating rabbit food dipped in gunk with awful music playing in the background. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Don't be mean, Ichigo. He tried __his best. Besides, I have better memories of this party than the last one, at least! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Orihime, you don't have ANY memories of the last one. -Chad

* * *

*_ Well, I enjoyed the carrot sticks and the conversation.-Orihime xx_*

* * *

Do you mean the conversation in which you and Rukia discussed the merits of Chappy while me, Chad and Uryu sat silently raising our eyebrows at each other? -Ichigo

* * *

It couldn't have been more awkward if Renji walked in sans trousers, which was actually funny the last time but would have been cringe-worthy in this situation. -Ichigo

* * *

**i did what? -renji abarai**

* * *

~~You don't remember? You walked in in your underwear talking about cornflakes, and then you started a new dance craze involving simultaneously headbanging and kneeing yourself in the nose. -Rukia~~

* * *

I'll be honest, that wasn't pretty. -Chad.

* * *

_Is that why everybody in my lecture yesterday morning had traces of blood around their noses? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Most likely. Now THAT was a party. -Ichigo

* * *

_Fine. Let's discuss this together this evening when we're all in and come to a compromise. Perhaps we can do something we'll all enjoy for Christmas next month. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**MORE PARTIES? ALL RIGHT! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

~~You're not invited, dishcloth. -Rukia~~

* * *

_"Dishcloth"? Well, that would explain why all of the crockery is so filthy. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**Author's notes: WOW. Thank you all for reading, reviewing, favouriting and alerting. I really wasn't expecting this to go down so well. I'm glad you're enjoying it! virtual cookies for everybody. :D**

**Technically I'm procrastinating writing my NaNoWriMo novel, so I'm really just writing loads of fanfic right now and counting the collective word-count because I always have been a bit of a NaNo rebel. On the plus side, this means potentially lots of updates in a short period of time! Yay! (I suffer from Attention-Deficit Creator Disorder which means a lot of project-hopping, but this is a load of short stuff so I don't get bored of it so quickly.) Basically, you are encouraged to spend the month yelling at me for updates. This goes for my zillion other WIPs, too...**


	8. The Noodle Implements

_I have a spare hour later this afternoon so I thought I'd do a big shopping trip. If anybody would like me to buy them anything (and then pay me back later), leave a note on the fridge and I'll see what I can do. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I'm out of milk. -Chad

* * *

*_I needed a few new pairs of fluffy socks - I have taken to wearing odd socks (it's fun!) and I don't really have enough to mix them up properly. Whatever the smallest adult size available is. Thanks, Uryu! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Would you not rather I made you some socks, Orihime? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_SERIOUSLY? You're AWESOME. Also, please could you get me some white rice, chocolate sauce and a big bag of marshmallows? You're a star. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Certainly. You're very welcome. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~I could really do with some pancakes and lemon juice. Thank you! -Rukia~~

* * *

_Not a problem. Anything to add before I go, Ichigo? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Condoms. Lots and lots of condoms. Also several different colours of paint (I really don't care which ones), a kilogram of parmesan cheese, four dozen rolls of good-quality toilet paper, sixty eggs, a thousand plastic cups and a stapler. -Ichigo

* * *

Also a garden hose. But that's not essential. -Ichigo

* * *

_All right, everybody's stuff is either by the fridge or in the fridge. Chad, you owe me 200 yen for your milk. Orihime, you owe me 299 yen for the rice, 149 yen for the chocolate sauce and 129 yen for the marshmallows, and nothing for the socks - I'll make those over the next month and you can consider them your Christmas present. Rukia, you owe me 174 yen for the lemon juice and 260 yen for the pancakes. Ichigo, you owe me 24,851 yen for the lot - I'll run through the individual costs with you separately at some point if you wish. I'm afraid I couldn't find a kilogram of parmesan, though. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Eeeee! Thank you, Uryu! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

No way, you actually did bought me my stuff? I totally wasn't expecting you to agree to that... -Ichigo

* * *

_Does this mean I'm not getting my 24,851 yen back? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Of course you'll get your money. I've got big plans for my loot. I was just expecting to have to pay somebody to borrow the space in the back of their car for the day so you've saved me some time and effort. -Ichigo

* * *

_Okay. I'm just glad I wasn't publically humiliated for no reason at all. Because, you know, that would have been kind of annoying... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Ichigo, can you move your crap from the kitchen, please? I can't cook my food with the hose curled up on the cooker. Also, it makes using the tap a nightmare. -Rukia~~

* * *

Yeah, yeah. Consider it moved. -Ichigo

* * *

Hey, Chad, have you got any spare space in your room I could borrow for a bit? -Ichigo

* * *

Afraid not. -Chad

* * *

_Don't even think about asking me. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**I HAVE SPACE ICHIGO -renji abarai**

* * *

Great! Can I leave my things with you for a while, Renji? I'll reward you by letting you be party to my Grand Plans. -Ichigo

* * *

**sure. -renji abarai**

* * *

_Do I want to know what these "Grand Plans" are? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

No. But I daresay you'll find out soon enough anyway. -Ichigo

* * *

_Oh good. I look forward to it. Not. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**Author's notes: I just kind of guessed how much everything would cost from what I know from working in a supermarket. I just don't have much experience of converting pounds into yen, so I guessed. My apologies for any inaccuracies, but I'm writing this for the lulz rather than for the accuracy. :)**

**As usual, many thanks, imaginary hugs and virtual cupcakes for you all. You're amazing. :D**


	9. Raining on the Dragon

**Author's notes: Woo, chapter 9! And two bricks finally hit the floor.**

**Many thanks to everybody reading this, and much extra virtual cake to reviewers, favouriters and subscribers. You're amazing. Especially the constructive criticism - if my endings get sloppy again in the heat of NaNoWriMo, please do yell at me. Seriously, I never get anything beyond routine done unless somebody raises their voice, and for me, borderline (and, speaking as a psychology student, quite likely diagnosable)-ADHD is routine.**

**Onwards!**

* * *

~~Wow! Your World-of-the-Living weather is so fascinating! Who knew it could rain indoors? -Rukia~~

* * *

_It can't rain indoors, Rukia. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

And yet it is. -Chad

* * *

_Oh f... okay, I've found a bucket, but it isn't big enough to catch all of this water. Where's it coming from, anyway? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Perhaps the guys upstairs are taking a dip in that holey paddling-pool? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

A burst pipe. -Chad

* * *

~~I've looked in my book. Apparently "finite incantatum" is the best way to stop it from raining indoors. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Yes. Just let me get out my magic wand and fix that right up. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Something just occurred to me. Has anybody seen Ichigo today? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Nope! Sorry. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~He's been missing since this morning. So has Renji, come to think of it. -Rukia~~

* * *

_... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Ichigo, if you're reading this, you are on washing-up duty for the rest of the year. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Uryu, you think Ichigo flooded the floor? -Chad

* * *

_I know he did. I went upstairs to see what was going on and found the entire floor covered in plastic cups which had been stapled together, filled to the brim with water and apparently trodden on. The water was pouring through the fire door and down the stairs, it was that bad. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_That's actually a pretty good idea for a prank! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~No, it's not, because he could do major structural damage to the building and end up in massive trouble. Just like whoever soaked Yaxley's office! -Rukia~~

* * *

_Rukia, I think you should know that Harry Potter is a fictional story. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~So he couldn't cause major structural damage to the building and end up in massive trouble? Well, at least that's a good thing. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_No, Rukia, I don't think you understand. Ichigo COULD do those things. It's just not possible to use "finite incantatum" to clear it up. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_Although it would be really useful if we could. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_My bedroom ceiling is dripping. My entire bed is wet. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

What's this? Uryu wet the bed? -Ichigo

* * *

_So nice of you to show up, Ichigo. No. YOU wet my bed. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Nah, that can't be right. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Well, it would appear that that IS right. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

No, that can't be right because I haven't been anywhere near the plastic cups today. I've been busy mixing up paint in the library to fill the condoms with and throw at passing third-years. -Ichigo

* * *

_That would explain why the road below the library looked like an original Jackson Pollock when I walked past earlier. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~WOW Ichigo, how did you persuade the librarians to let you mix paint in the library? They told me off for taking a water bottle in the other day. -Rukia~~

* * *

I dunno. I just walked in, smiled at them, sat down and began mixing the paint. They didn't try to stop me. -Ichigo

* * *

_Were you, by any chance, wearing your perpetually damaged clothing at the time? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

No. What? -Ichigo

* * *

_Never mind. That's beside the point. What we SHOULD be focusing on is who is responsible for the flood, and where I'm going to sleep tonight. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_You can sleep on my floor if you like, Uryu! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_AH! No, thank you, Orihime. I mean, thanks for the offer, it's very kind of you, but I couldn't do that. This incident had nothing to do with you, and I wouldn't want to intrude on your space. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Now, whose custody were the plastic cups in, again? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**hey guys, what have i missed? -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Reeeenjiiiii's in trooooouble... -Rukia~~

* * *

_You're going down, Abarai... -Uryu Ishida_


	10. Somnambulism

**Author's notes: Yay, a new chapter! Seriously, thank you everybody for all of your feedback. I'm really glad you're enjoying the story! I know I'm enjoying writing it. :D**

* * *

Does anybody know where all of my socks have been disappearing to? I just wanted to ask before I killed Kon on the off-chance it wasn't him. -Ichigo

* * *

**i swear it wasn't me -renji abarai**

* * *

I don't know. -Chad

* * *

_Why would anybody want to steal your socks, Ichigo? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Good question. Why don't you ask the thief? -Ichigo

* * *

~~I had nothing to do with it, I'm afraid. I think Kon's your best bet. -Rukia~~

* * *

_**Waaaaa, it wasn't me! I promise on Ichigo's life! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

You idiot, me being dead would be in your interest because then you'd have my body all the time! Think it through, you sock-thief! -Ichigo

* * *

_**I'm no thief! Rukia, help meeee! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

~~No. -Rukia~~

* * *

_**Okay, then, say I HAD stolen Ichigo's socks. Where would I put them? I live in his SOCK DRAWER. -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Rule of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

You have to admit he has a point. -Chad

* * *

*_I'm so sorry I'm so late up, guys! I slept really badly last night, for some reason. Oh well. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_That's quite all right, Orihime, we've just been discussing Ichigo's amazing disappearing socks. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**Personally, I suspect they got up and walked off on their own. -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

*_Disappearing socks? Oh no! Perhaps it was aliens? Well, it's a good thing we have Mister Awesome-Sewing-Master Uryu on hand to make you some new ones, then! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Yeah, like I'd wear anything Embroidery-Boy made for me... -Ichigo

* * *

**caaaaan you feeeeeel the looooove toniiiiight? -renji abarai**

* * *

Hey, Renji, what have I told you about me and Uryu being related? Talk about squick. -Ichigo

* * *

_DISTANTLY_ _related. Wouldn't want anybody to get the wrong idea. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**whoa, you two are so tsundere for each other. get a room. -renji abarai**

* * *

_I'm not even going to justify that with a response. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

You just did. -Chad

* * *

*_Tsundere! That was the word! Like how Uryu can be really cold and snarky to us all as a group, but he only does it because he actually likes us, and he has a really sweet side he does his utmost to hide but never quite manages to! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~I don't know what you've been reading, Orihime, but perhaps you should stop. -Rukia~~

* * *

**ishida, sweet? come off it. the guy's about as sweet as lemon juice. -renji abarai**

* * *

*_Exactly! Did you know that pound-for pound, lemons contain more sugar than strawberries? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

I would have thought that lemons contain no strawberries, but that's just me. -Ichigo

* * *

~~... -Rukia~~

* * *

_How much sleep did you say you got last night, Orihime? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Oh, I slept loads! It's just that the quality of the sleep was pretty bad. I'm not really sure why. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Something on your mind? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Oh, when isn't there? Last night I dreamed I was counting socks out to give to an alien who was hovering out of my window. That's where I got the alien idea from when Uryu mentioned Ichigo's missing socks! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

... -Ichigo

* * *

~~... -Rukia~~

* * *

Hey, Orihime, why don't you just go and quickly glance down out of your window? -Chad

* * *

*_Yay! I think I just found Ichigo's missing socks! I wonder how they got into the bushes below my window? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Of course. Orihime was sleepwalking. -Ichigo

* * *

_New rule: Everybody is encouraged to lock their doors overnight. Particularly Orihime. -Uryu Ishida_


	11. The Strange Man

**Author's notes: What is this, a second update in one night? Well, I got bored. Have more lulz! Actually, I might get started on the next chapter, now. Yay for lots of updates! You know, unless people who have alerted it (or alerted me) mind the spam in their inboxes. I would apologise, but I'm really not sorry. :D**

**Oh, and just a small reminder: this is an AU fic. You'll see what I mean.**

* * *

~~Did anybody see the strange man sitting on his own in our living room earlier? -Rukia~~

* * *

You mean the really suspicious-looking one with the slitty eyes, glasses and silver hair? -Ichigo

* * *

~~Yeah, that's the one. I take it you don't know who he is? -Rukia~~

* * *

No clue. Chad? -Ichigo

* * *

I've never seen him before. -Chad

* * *

*_I spotted him reading the fridge. He looked annoyed about something. He scared me a bit, so I just returned to my room. I don't think he saw me. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Anybody know if he works at the university? -Ichigo

* * *

~~He was wearing a white suit. He looked a bit too clinical to be an academic. Far too fastidious. -Rukia~~

* * *

**wow rukia that's a big word you know. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~I know! I learned it in a lecture I went to yesterday! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_I think we should talk more about the strange man. Isn't it odd that somebody who is clearly not a student was hanging around the student accommodation? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**yeah, he might be some sort of creep or something. gotta be careful. -renji abarai**

* * *

He just kind of disappeared, right? You don't think he could have been a thief? The TV's still there, as are all of my possessions. Does everybody still have their valuables in their rooms? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Yep! Everything is present and correct. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

My things are safe. -Chad

* * *

~~My Chappy pencil is missing, but I think that's because I left it somewhere. :( -Rukia~~

* * *

So he's not a burglar. -Ichigo

* * *

*_How do you think he got into the building? You need a student pass to get in through the front door. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~He must have flown in through the window! -Rukia~~

* * *

I thought we had discussed the concept of fictional stories at great length already, Midget. You're so gullible. -Ichigo

* * *

*_WAIT WHERE'S URYU? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Do you think that man kidnapped Uryu? -Chad

* * *

~~It's a possibility. -Rukia~~

* * *

I just saw him walking past on the road below our main window. Uryu wasn't with him. I got out my garden hose and gave him a soaking out of the window just to be safe. -Ichigo

* * *

_Congratulations, Ichigo. You just hosed off Ryuken. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Otherwise known as my father, Ryuken Ishida, who personally funded the Ishida Wing. You know, the building of the university housing the department of medicine. Where you and I both receive our tuition. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Fuck. -Ichigo

* * *

_Don't worry, that's something I've been wanting to do for as long as I can remember. When I said congratulations, I meant it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Well, I guess Ichigo can stop making jokes about the coincidence of you sharing a name with a building now! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Oh, and Ichigo? Ryuken would very much like to meet up with you at some point in order to discuss the cost of a new suit. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Heh. -Ichigo


	12. The (Comparative) Calm Before the Storm

**Author's notes: I mentally debated actually including this chapter for a while, because I didn't like it quite so much. I eventually decided to include it, for reasons.**

**The next chapter will be up in five minutes.**

* * *

_Right, I think it's about time we properly discussed what foods go in the fridge. This is a problem. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Duh. Everything goes in the fridge, right? -Rukia~~

* * *

Wrong. Bread definitely doesn't. -Ichigo

* * *

_Ten points to Ichigo. Chilling bread turns the crusts doughy, ruining the texture gradient and making the entire loaf soggy. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

No need to be so condescending, Uryu, I'm on your side! -Ichigo

* * *

_I should hope so. You're studying pharmacology, I'd be very worried if your general hygiene wasn't up to scratch. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**Tell that to his socks! I could swear one of them creeped up on me and tapped me on the shoulder when I was trying to sleep last night! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

*_Well, what about potatoes? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_In a dark cupboard. They grow well in the cold, and they tend to sprout eyes if they're left in the light for prolonged periods of time. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Eyes? You mean like that Zommari? -Rukia~~

* * *

If it'll stop you from putting them in the fridge, yes. Exactly like Zommari. -Ichigo

* * *

~~I've cleared out some space in the cupboard under the sink. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Butter goes in the fridge. Orihime, I'm afraid I'm speaking to you here. You can't just get out the block, leave it to soften, and then forget to put it back into the fridge. Try warming the bread instead. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_You got it! I'm sorry, I just keep on forgetting about the block. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Kon's dog food should be kept outside. Ideally, it should be in the fridge, but we really don't want it stinking up the actual edible food. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**DOG FOOD? Is that what you've been feeding me? YOU LOUSY EXCUSES FOR HUMANS. I only ate it because I thought it was a homemade meal made especially for me by Orihime! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

~~Don't be mean about Orihime's cooking. It looks strange, but it tastes great! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_I'm really glad you think so! Would you like some of my crab, mango and passion-fruit coulis and whipped-cream pasta later, Rukia? I'm making a big batch! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_Of course, the offer's open to everybody else, too. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Yum. Save some for me. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Yes please! -Rukia~~

* * *

I'll have some. -Chad

* * *

Where the hell do you come up with these combinations, Orihime? -Ichigo

* * *

Still, I'm a poor student. I'm not going to turn down free food. -Ichigo

* * *

_You're only poor because you spent all of your money on a stupid practical joke. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Yeah, but it was totally worth it. -Ichigo

* * *

_I'm glad you enjoyed sleeping on your own damp floor that much, Ichigo. I must say, your bed was very comfortable. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**I SHIP IT SO MUCH -renji abarai**

* * *

*_Ship? As in boats? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~No, Orihime, it means when two things go really well together. Like Chappy and the TV! -Rukia~~

* * *

I don't think that's it, either. -Chad

* * *

_Renji, if you don't shut up, I am going to cut off your head with Seele Schneider and stuff the soggy loaf of bread I rescued from the fridge earlier down your windpipe. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Now, on the topic of hygiene, Ichigo, you really NEED to stop leaving the toilet seat up. It's one of the most loutish things it is possible to do. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

IT'S NOT ME. -Ichigo

* * *

**um... -renji abarai**

* * *

_Renji, you utter yob. -Uryu Ishida_


	13. Squatter's Rights

There's a puppy in the kitchen. -Chad

* * *

*_So there is. Cute doggy! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

There's poo in the living area. I'm not cleaning it up. -Ichigo

* * *

_What. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Don't worry, I'll clean up after Fido. -Rukia~~

* * *

_This is your dog, Rukia? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

You named the poor bastard FIDO? -Ichigo

* * *

~~Of course Fido is my dog! I've always wanted a pet, and I was kind of getting bored of Renji. -Rukia~~

* * *

**oi. -renji abarai**

* * *

Yeah, that's understandable. -Ichigo

* * *

_Rukia, you do realise that pets aren't allowed in the building, right? It was in the rules we were all given at the start of term. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Nope, nobody ever told me any rules. I just kind of moved in with everybody else and here I am! -Rukia~~

* * *

_You can't keep the dog, Rukia. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Oh, come on, Uryu, he's such a sweet little puppy! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_No, you can't keep it. I'm not going to get into trouble with the university because my flatmate didn't pay any attention to the rules! -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~I'm telling you, I was never told about any rules! I assumed there were none. -Rukia~~

* * *

~~Look, it'll be fine, I'll keep Fido in my cupboard, he can share Kon's food, and I'll take him for walks every day so none of you have to worry about him! It'll be fine, the lecture I went to the day before yesterday was about something to do with vets, so I can take care of animals now. How's that? -Rukia~~

* * *

Your... cupboard? -Ichigo

* * *

Yes, Rukia seems to be living in the cleaning cupboard. What the hell is going on here? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Veterinary lecture? I thought you were doing Japanese literature the other day. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

You told me you were doing geography. -Chad

* * *

_Rukia, just what degree did you apply to do? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Apply? I didn't do that, I just turned moved in with the rest of you and started attending lectures. It's always a nice surprise not knowing exactly what you're going to learn on a particular day! -Rukia~~

* * *

BLOODY HELL, RUKIA. -Ichigo

* * *

Uryu, do you think Rukia could be prosecuted for this? -Ichigo

* * *

_I'm not sure. I don't think it's illegal to stumble into lectures by accident, but it's a bit of a grey area as to whether or not she could be charged for squatting in the cleaning cupboard. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~I know this one! I was in a property law seminar the other day and I learned that in some countries, if you claim a piece of land for a certain amount of time and nobody complains about it, you can claim Squatter's Rights and take the land as your own! Nobody has complained yet, it'll be fine. -Rukia~~

* * *

And how long do you intend to squat in the cupboard for, then, Rukia? You need to have claimed the land for years and years in most cases before you get the right to it, and although you've been lucky so far, the cleaners are going to need to get into that cupboard one day. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Fine. If you're not happy with the arrangement, Fido and I can move into your wardrobe, Ichigo. Would that make you happier? -Rukia~~

* * *

NO FREAKING WAY. -Ichigo

* * *

_Rukia, have you even seen the size of our wardrobes? I mean, I know you're small, but even you would have to sleep standing up. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Okay. Orihime, could I sleep on your floor? -Rukia~~

* * *

_Say "no", Orihime. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_All right! It'll be just like when Rangiku lived in my flat for a while. A permanent sleepover! And there'll be a puppy, too! Yay! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Of course, you're used to having awful house guests. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Orihime, you are truly too nice for your own good. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Brilliant! I'll start moving my stuff in. Do you have enough space for Fido's bed? -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Not really, but I can make some space. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Rukia, if you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out again. -Ichigo


	14. Kneel Before the Master of Manipulation

**Author's notes: Yay more chapters! I'm thinking I'll update this one now, and then the next one maybe in a couple of hours, after I have written it. As usual, thank you for feedback!**

**Feedback from the last two chapters included a bit of confusion about the layout of the floor the five are living on. For clarification, it's not really a flat so much as a corridor. I'm absolutely terrible at explaining things unless I take a couple of hundred words of prose to describe it, so I drew a rough floorplan of the corridor instead, using my awesome(ly bad) MS Paint skills. It's sitting on Tumblr under the tag #Fridge Notes fanfic. I can't paste links here, but if you put /search/%23Fridge+Notes+fanfic after the standard Tumblr URL you should find the post. I hope it clears things up. :D (Renji's probably in another building or something. I imagine his lecture arrangements are rather like Rukia's, id est erratic and entirely unofficial, but he's somehow managed to beg a proper room off somebody. I don't even know.)**

* * *

*_Hi, everybody! I thought that since none of us have anybody to spend Christmas with, we should have that party we were talking about last month. Just the five of us. And Renji. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_**WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEE? -Kon, **__**Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

*_Whoops! Sorry, Kon, I forgot about you! Of course you're invited. :) -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~I'd be up for a party . -Rukia~~

* * *

_Just so long as Kon doesn't spike anybody's drink and nobody leaves a mystery terrapin in the kitchen. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Whatever happened to that terrapin? -Ichigo

* * *

~~My brother adopted it. It's currently living a life of luxury in the Kuchiki Manor freshwater pond. I went back to visit last week, the terrapin looked as happy as anything among the freshwater seaweed! -Rukia~~

* * *

It would look happy. The breed is called a SMILING terrapin for a reason. -Ichigo

* * *

Also, what is it with your brother and that "Seaweed Ambassador" character? He's even weirder than you are. -Ichigo

* * *

~~My brother is NOT weird. He is the most sane and rational person in the entire Soul Society! -Rukia~~

* * *

That may be so, but that place is so full of nutters that statement doesn't really count for much. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Can you please stop fighting? It's nearly Christmas! Everybody should be happy for Christmas! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Sorry, Orihime. Ichigo's just being stupid. -Rukia~~

* * *

_When isn't he? Although, granted, he had a point. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Orihime, I have left the tinsel you wanted on the sofa. -Chad

* * *

*_Yay! Time to start decorating! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Er, when you say "decorating", Orihime, what exactly do you mean? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

There is a tree blocking my bedroom door. Like, an actual tree. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Oh, just the standard! Sorry, Ichigo, I've moved the tree to the living room so you can get into your room now. I apologise for the needles down the corridor! I'll vacuum soon. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~One question. What's "tinsel"? -Rukia~~

* * *

You know those really annoying strings of spangles in the communal area? Those. -Ichigo

* * *

~~"Annoying"? They're so pretty! Can't we have them up all year? -Rukia~~

* * *

_No. The day after Christmas I'm taking Seele Schneider to them. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_:'( -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Fine. You can have them up for the twelve days of Christmas. No longer. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Yay! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~I'm afraid we can't have them up for Christmas after all. I'm so sorry, Orihime, but Fido just ate all of your tinsel. -Rukia~~

* * *

Great. That's one less thing to worry about. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Oh poo. Oh well, so long as the Santa hats are intact, I don't mind too much. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

I'm not wearing one, even if you pay me. -Ichigo

* * *

And I have no money. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Oh, come on! Hats are fun! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_That's the spirit, Rukia! We can wear hats together. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_Renji? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_No, that red will clash far too hideously with Renji's hair. Please don't inflict that sight on the rest of us. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_I think you just volunteered yourself in his place, Uryu! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Please don't make me. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Tee hee. I think you would look cute in a Santa hat, Uryu! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~You can practically hear the gears turning. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Fine. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_But there are to be NO photographs. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Is it just me or is Orihime being super manipulative today? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Manipulative? Wait, what? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

And yet it's entirely unintentional. -Chad

* * *

*_So, party tomorrow evening? And Uryu, if I don't see you in that hat, I'll be sad. And it will be all your fault. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Hooray. I look forward to it. (!) -Uryu Ishida_


	15. Party, Take 3: The Fallout

**Author's notes: Wow! Again, thank you for the feedback! I'm really glad you're all enjoying this story. This makes me happy. :D**

**A brief note on Orihime: I love her to bits. I really do. She is one of my absolute favourite characters in Bleach, but I do think that she has the potential to accidentally be extremely manipulative. In many ways, Orihime has absolutely no idea exactly how much power she has, which is most obviously manifest in her Shun Shun Rikka (essentially God-like powers she can't use at their most effective because she doesn't have the heart to, and as such almost certainly isn't aware of their capabilities), but I think it would also affect her relationships with her friends. I don't think she realises just how much she means to them, and as such isn't aware of the fact that they would pretty much do anything for her. (Particularly Uryu. Ha ha ha.)**

**Anyway, onwards! :D**

* * *

_Well, that was surprisingly not-horrendous. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_You enjoyed my party? I'm so glad! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**the food kind of sucked, but aside from that, it was pretty bearable. -renji abarai**

* * *

Shut up, Renji, I thought you'd be grateful for the free food, you scrounger. -Ichigo

* * *

~~The food was great. I bet you'd never have thought to mix lemon rice with yoghurt and cucumber, and it went so well together! -Rukia~~

* * *

_The food was excellent. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

It certainly beat Uryu's rabbit food. Even though it takes a certain kind of special to even consider some of Orihime's combinations. -Ichigo

* * *

*_You think I'm special, Ichigo? Yay! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Of course. You're one of a kind, Orihime. :) -Rukia~~

* * *

You even managed to get Uryu into a Santa hat. I'm impressed. -Chad

* * *

_You wore one too, Chad. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I like the hats. -Chad

* * *

**hey ichigo i saw you wearing that scarf uryu made for you earlier. whatever happened to "i wouldn't wear anything by embroidery-boy" or whatever it was you said? -renji abarai**

* * *

It's not that I particularly wanted to wear Uryu's present, but I was cold and it was the only scarf I could find. Why else would I be flying the flag for URYU'S clan? -Ichigo

* * *

_It's your clan, too, whether you like it or not. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Also, I thought it would go nicely with that duvet of yours, Ichigo. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

My mother made me that duvet. -Ichigo

* * *

Thank you, Uryu. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Eeeeee, I've just found my socks. Thanks, Uryu, they're amazing! I love the rainbow pattern. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_I'm glad you like them, Orihime. I thought the bright colours would suit you. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Rukia, I made you a sleeping bag because Orihime told me you were sleeping under a blanket on her floor. If your brother were to pay a surprise visit, I'm not having him letting Senbonzakura loose because anybody let his sister sleep in such awful conditions. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_I also made a little jacket for Fido. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Aww, Fido looks so cute in his jacket! Thank you! Also, what's a "sleeping bag"? -Rukia~~

* * *

It's a bag. You sleep in it. It's not hard. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Orihime showed me. It's surprisingly comfortable. -Rukia~~

* * *

_I'm glad you like it. Chad, I made you gloves. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

They're warm. -Chad

* * *

Has anybody seen Kon today? I'm trying to pack him up to take back to Karakura for the week but I can't find him anywhere. -Ichigo

* * *

~~I saw him stumbling around with his head completely covered. He probably got lost. -Rukia~~

* * *

~~Actually, it looked like he was wearing a too-big hat. With a blue cross on it. -Rukia~~

* * *

_He actually wore it? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Well, he wasn't, but he put it on when I asked him to. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

(Whistle) No wonder Aizen wanted you on his side with those persuasion skills, Orihime. -Ichigo

* * *

_In fairness, Kon is hardly a mastermind. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Well, if he's wandering around somewhere lost, I'm going home without him. Merry Christmas, everybody. I'll get you all presents when I can beg some money off my dad. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Well, it's not even Christmas yet, so you're excused. For the moment. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Of course Uryu would be the only one of us this organised! I'll sort out presents back in Karakura. I'm just going - Rukia, do you think you could lock up our room when you leave? -Orihime xx*_

* * *

_Um. Orihime? I think she went back with Ichigo already. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Orihime has gone, too. -Chad

* * *

_(Sigh) Looks like I'm going to have to lock up Orihime's possessions over Christmas, then.-Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**OI! HAVE YOU NO-GOOD ROTTERS ALL GONE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ME AND LEFT ME ALL ON MY OWN IN THE LIVING ROOM FOR THE HOLIDAY? I CAN'T EVEN REACH THE DOOR TO THE CORRIDOR. -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_**AND GLASSES, YOU KIDNAPPED ORIHIME'S POSSESSIONS? HOW DARE YOU GO THROUGH HER DRAWERS AND CUPBOARDS AND HOLD EVERYTHING SHE OWNS HOSTAGE. -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_**Hey, she didn't leave any clothes, did she? -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_


	16. Things Nobody Should Ever See

**Author's notes: YAY bonus lulz for the day! Oh, and when I said "warnings for potentially spoilers for everything" in the description, I actually meant meant "everything ever". Today, I'll be spoiling the secrets of Harry Potter's OTHER behind-the-scenes secret protagonist for you. Yay! Although, really, if you haven't read Harry Potter, you should seriously get off this website and go and read it right now. :D**

* * *

*_I'm so sorry, Uryu, you shouldn't have seen that! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Yeah, sorry we didn't make the "DO NOT DISTURB" signs on the door to the communal area big enough. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Nobody should have to see what you saw. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Thank you for being so understanding. We appreciate it. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Also, we apologise for forcing you to join in. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell happened here? -Ichigo

* * *

_I learned precisely why one should never walk into a room full of girls. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Um. Could you please be a bit more specific? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Book Club! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

I'm not following. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Well, you see, Orihime and I thought that it might be a nice idea to start a book club, so we did. We invited a dozen girls we knew from lectures and had the first meeting yesterday! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Rukia thought we should read Harry Potter, so everybody read the entire series over Christmas and we discussed it at great length in the meeting! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~But then we got to talking about The Prince's Tale. And we never really stopped talking about it. And then everybody started crying, and then Uryu walked in. -Rukia~~

* * *

So this whole thing is about Uryu walking into a meeting you had to talk about a book, and all of you were crying? That's so lame. -Ichigo

* * *

~~It is NOT lame! The Prince's Tale is a tragic story of sacrifice, unrequited love, loss, and unlucky childhood friendship. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_So, anyway, we were all crying and then Uryu walked in. Bless him, he did his best to comfort all fourteen of us instead of just running, but then we explained the story. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Basically, it's about how this unpopular kid was in love with his best friend, but one day he lost her to his arch-rival, then he caused their deaths, and had to spend years and years protecting their son just so that a little part of the girl could keep on living! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_So then Uryu started crying, too, and we all had a group hug. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Uryu was CRYING? Well, crap. I can see why you're all making a big deal out of this. -Ichigo

* * *

The story must have struck a chord with him. -Chad

* * *

_I was NOT crying. I was just preparing myself for the task of chopping onions for my meal. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Also, I only joined the group hug because I thought that might be the best way to comfort you ladies. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Whoops! No, Uryu, I'm sorry, you weren't crying. You were chopping onions. (WINK WINK) -Orihime xx_*

* * *

I bet Uryu's facepalming so hard right now. -Ichigo

* * *

~~So, which book should we do next, Orihime? I was thinking something Jane Austen. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_That's such a good idea, Rukia! How about Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? It's a classic! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Sounds fantastic! I had no idea she wrote about zombies! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Ooh, yes! It's one of her best works, along with Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Perhaps we could read that later on in the year. Oh, Uryu, will you be joining us for P&P&Z next week? Or are you too busy with your medicine degree? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Certainly. Six hours of coursework per night is not at all difficult to manage. I'll just go out and buy the book now. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**you don't always have to do everything she says, uryu. -renji abarai**

* * *

_But I really do want to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Sigh. -Chad


	17. Bet, or More Things Nobody Should See

_Ichigo, I beg of you, would you please explain why you were walking around campus dressed in only your boxer shorts for the entirety of the day? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I would have thought that would be obvious, genius. I lost a bet. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Wait, wait, wait. Ichigo has been walking around in his underwear and I haven't had a proper chance to see him and laugh hysterically at him yet? -Rukia~~

* * *

Shut up, midget. I'm still around, if you can catch me. The bet is until midnight. You still have seven hours. -Ichigo

* * *

He's in the library right now if you run. -Chad

* * *

Assuming the librarians haven't thrown him out for causing a scene, that is. -Chad

* * *

*_I don't know, they seemed pretty relaxed about the whole thing. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Of course they would be. They ogle him enough when he's fully-clothed. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~No, he wasn't there. Although, the librarians had a job attempting to quieten the place down. After I left they actually had to kick everybody else out because there was so much chattering nobody could concentrate. -Rukia~~

* * *

**HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ****HA HA HA -renji abarai**

* * *

_I take it this is your doing, Renji? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**yes. -renji abarai**

* * *

_Of course, nobody else on the planet is so unsubtle as to come up with such an obvious dare. I'm ashamed of you, Renji. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_What would YOU have made Ichigo do, Uryu? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_That's beside the point. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**just because you can't think of anything. boring. -renji abarai**

* * *

SO FREAKING COLD. Renji, you just HAD to make me do this in mid-January, didn't you? -Ichigo

* * *

_... On second thoughts, nice work, Renji. I approve. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**i even specified that he wasn't allowed to wear his new favourite scarf. -renji abarai**

* * *

Like seriously WHY is the living room so cold? Who threw all of the windows open? -Ichigo

* * *

~~That would be me. I would apologise, but I'm really not sorry. -Rukia~~

* * *

I would burst into your room to yell at you for that one, but if there's one person on campus who hasn't seen me in my underwear yet, why would I actually let them look? -Ichigo

* * *

~~As a matter of fact, I saw you running past Senate House on my way out of the library. Nice boxers. -Rukia~~

* * *

FREAKING... -Ichigo

* * *

Right. I am going to kill ALL OF YOU. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Including me? :( -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Ichigo, you may be my cousin, but if you come at Orihime with Zangetsu I will go BEYOND Letzt Stil. Granted, the rest of us laughed at you, but Orihime has done nothing. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I haven't done anything either. -Chad

* * *

**you told rukia that he was in the library. -renji abarai**

* * *

... -Chad

* * *

So I did. -Chad

* * *

_So... dare I ask exactly what this bet was? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**ichigo forgot that tomorrow is rukia's birthday. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~He what. -Rukia~~

* * *

Shit. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Poor Ichigo, it looks as though the whole walking-around-in-his-underwear thing wasn't even the worst of his punishment... -Orihime xx_*


	18. When the WiFi Goes Down

**Author's notes: I decided to do another two chapters today, because I should really be writing an essay which is due in ten hours which I haven't started yet. Heh. Anyway, I decided to go meta for this one. Yay for self-deprecating humour! :D**

**DERP I forgot in the last chapter: thank you, as always, reviewers, favouriters and subscribers, and every reader who has tolerated this story so far (it's at nearly eleven thousand words now. What). I consider you all to be my friends. Okay? Yay for friends! :D**

* * *

~~THE WIFI IS DOWN. I REPEAT, THE WIFI IS DOWN. -Rukia~~

* * *

_What's the problem? If you really need access to the internet, go to the library. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~I CAN'T. The library has restricted access to my favourite website! -Rukia~~

* * *

What websites have YOU been visiting, Rukia? -Ichigo

* * *

Actually, don't answer that, the less evidence Byakuya finds of your innocence having been corrupted when you happen to be sharing a corridor with us, the better. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Tumblr. Duh. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Tumblr? Isn't that the scrapbook-blog-type-thingie website where fandoms and stuff hang out? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Yes. It's also where I post my Chappy fanfiction. -Rukia~~

* * *

Fanfiction? -Chad

* * *

Oh, crud. You're one of THEM. -Ichigo

* * *

~~You don't need to sound so condescending, Ichigo! I'll have you know that I get VERY GOOD REVIEWS for my work! Why, one of my reviewers, 43NJ1_PWN5_N00BZ_123 just yesterday evening told me that Tumblr didn't deserve me. How flattering can you GET? -Rukia~~

* * *

I don't think that was supposed to be a compliment. -Chad

* * *

_Hi Renji. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**CRAP YOU OUTED ME -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Wait, RENJI is 43NJ1_PWN5_N00BZ_123? -Rukia~~

* * *

Duh. That string of gibberish is supposed to say "RENJI PWNS NOOBS". -Ichigo

* * *

~~Renji, you like my fanfiction? THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Do you want to be my beta? -Rukia~~

* * *

**actually, rukia, i was telling you that your stories kind of suck. -renji abarai**

* * *

**i mean, nothing against you, you're awesome, but you should really pay more attention in creative writing lectures. -renji abarai**

* * *

What's that noise I just heard? Oh, I think it's the sound of Rukia exploding in indignation. -Ichigo

* * *

_I think she already did that when the domain name system service failed to recognise the ISP. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

You what? -Ichigo

* * *

**honestly ichigo even i know that. -renji abarai**

* * *

Yes. That would be because you walked into a computer science lecture you had no right to be in. do you even know what the internet is? -Ichigo

* * *

**i'm not entirely sure. i'm picturing a big net with lots of pieces of paper on, and when somebody wants the information on a sheet of paper somebody takes the paper, types out the information and sends it to you. -renji abarai**

* * *

_Well, I was impressed for three seconds. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~So... you mean you don't really like my fanfiction? :'( -Rukia~~

* * *

**no. -renji abarai**

* * *

*_Aww, it's okay, Rukia! I'll read your fanfiction! I'm sure it's amazing. :) -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_Actually, Tumblr isn't the best place to put it. Have you ever heard of a website called fan fiction dot net? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Thank you for cheering me up, Orihime. I'd love to show you my fanfiction. -Rukia~~

* * *

~~And no, I haven't heard of that site. It sounds really cool, though, you'll have to show it to me when the domain name thingie gets fixed! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Brilliant! I'd love to. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Uryu, are you ever going to call in somebody to fix the DNS? -Chad

* * *

_Um. I'm busy for the next few months, I might get somebody on that after finals. Until then, we'll just have to use the university's wifi. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Oh dear. What a pity. -Ichigo


	19. Criminal Damage

**hey ichigo i just found the five dozen eggs you made uryu buy for you back in november. what do you want to do with them? -renji abarai**

* * *

_Chuck them out. They'll be disgustingly gone-off by now, that was three months ago. They're probably a public health hazard by now. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Throw them out? Are you kidding? Come and find me, Renji, we'll go and buy some ham and then we can go hamming or something and take the eggs with us. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Hamming? Please elaborate. -Rukia~~

* * *

Oh, basically, you buy a pack of ham and drive around the city throwing it at stuff to see if it sticks. -Ichigo

* * *

_Isn't that criminal damage? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**YES LET'S DO IT do you know anybody with a car who can drive us, ichigo? -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Ooh, ooh, I know how to drive if we can find a car somewhere! -Rukia~~

* * *

You want to join us, Rukia? -Ichigo

* * *

~~:D YES. -Rukia~~

* * *

_I would like to get it on the record that I had nothing to do with this. Also, I do not condone it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**whatever. -renji abarai**

* * *

Let's go, Renji and Rukia! -Ichigo

* * *

~~Yay! -Rukia~~

* * *

**YEAH -renji abarai**

* * *

_Okay. So. Orihime, I noticed you were running low on your favourite red bean paste. Would you like me to cook for you later? I happen to have a fair amount of noodles and miso which will need using up. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Ooh, that sounds great! But you must allow me to give you a slice of the cake I was planning to make for everybody tomorrow. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Great! What about you, Chad? I have enough for three. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

That sounds nice. -Chad

* * *

*_Only three? What about Ichigo and Rukia? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Somehow, I suspect they will be sharing an holding cell overnight with Renji. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_What did I say? The policeman is in the kitchen right now waiting for them. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Don't worry, Ichigo, I made him a cup of tea when he was waiting so he seemed cheerful enough. You shouldn't be in too much trouble! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Oh, Orihime. Always the optimist. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_**WHA? WHERE'S ICHIGO? He's usually in bed by 10pm. Is he off somewhere with a lady friend? WAAAAAA -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

Yes, but not in the way you're thinking. -Chad

* * *

_If you must know, he and Rukia are in gaol with Renji, waiting for some fool to bail them out. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Well, if they're going to egg the lecture theatre without even attempting to disguise themselves they're really asking for everything they get. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_I really hope they're okay. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Eh, they will be. Go to bed, Orihime, everything will be fine in the morning. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_If you say so. Night, Uryu, Chad. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**wassup people? renji's back! -renji abarai**

* * *

Shut up, Renji, this isn't even your building. -Ichigo

* * *

~~So, it looks like somebody posted bail for us overnight. Who's have thought? -Rukia~~

* * *

Yeah. We each have criminal records, but at least we found out that ham sticks to trees very well AND the car was returned to its rightful owner unharmed. I call that a success. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Wow! That's lucky! I'm so glad you're all okay. Who do you think paid the bail? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

No clue. We woke up this morning and were escorted out by some strange man who was on the phone. He didn't say a word to us, just got his driver to drop us by the building and then drove off. It was bizarre. -Ichigo

* * *

_You don't deserve it. Somebody has been far too kind to you. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I think it was Uryu. -Chad

* * *

_No. It wasn't. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_... technically. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Technically? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Ichigo, you're extremely lucky you're Masaki's son. Also, my father would like you to know that you wouldn't cover even half of your moral debt to him if you spent your entire career working for him for nothing. He still hasn't forgotten about the hosepipe incident. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

... You're a good friend, Uryu. -Ichigo

* * *

**Author's notes: Hi. Lowri here. Um. I apologise for the fact that this chapter isn't as good as usual (i.e. not funny, out of character, and just generally crap), I'm not exactly in a very funny mood tonight - things happened and my grandmother is currently in hospital having had several epileptic fits because she's awful at taking her medication. Everything's under control and we're not too worried, but the whole thing kind of freaked me out a bit. And then I had to babysit the two naughtiest puppies in Wales on my own for five hours - who would have thought that such small creatures could generate so much poo? :S So, I had to guess whether or not this chapter was funny enough. Compared to toilet humour and hospital admissions, it passed, but my comedy scale is arguably kind of broken for the moment (although I did laugh when a paramedic confused me for a twelve-year-old: I'm twenty). Still, tonight has been kind of "screw everything" night for me, which transferred across to my characterisation, so I had to write some rubbish to get the apathy out of my system. Again, I apologise. I'll be back to normal after I have slept, and so will my writing.**

**Oh, also, having never been in gaol or known anybody in gaol I don't know if these proceedings are accurate. I really just wrote it the way I did for the funny. And the warm fuzzies I was going for at the end. :)**


	20. Nosing About in Other People's Business

**Author's notes: Hello! I would like to say thank you to everybody who left kind reviews on the last chapter, offered to pray for my grandmother and sent me nice private messages. I read the e-mail alerts the site sent me but my awful internet connection isn't letting me into my inbox so I can't reply for the moment - sorry, I'll get round to it (darn my mobile provider not letting me go portable WiFi hotspot :/). Anyway, she's fine, she's out of the hospital now and back home, so I should be back home to the land of acceptable internet soon-ish. We just need to make sure that she's actually remembering to take her medication before we leave her, and that she's all right handling the incredibly hyperactive puppies. Could be a couple of days. Nobody tells me anything.**

**So, yes. My internet situation is pretty lamentable right now, I actually wrote this chapter in a file already in my Document Manager because it's not letting me upload documents. Grr. You would think that it would be possible to actually get a signal in a capital city. Evidently not. Well, I wanted to write this anyway - need to keep going with NaNoWriMo! Even though I'm now five-thousand words behind. You are encouraged to yell at me to catch up. Ho hum. Oh well, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. :)**

* * *

Hey, guys, the fridge is looking rather empty. Is everybody low on food or something? -Ichigo

* * *

*_I think all of our maintenance loans are beginning to become a tad stretched, Ichigo. It's February, so we're all having to start budgeting carefully. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Wait, what loan? -Rukia~~

* * *

That's no excuse for starving. -Ichigo

* * *

_You're a fine one to talk, Ichigo. You've been completely broke ever since the noodle implement debacle. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Noodles? You mean like the ones you made for Chad and I last week? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_It's a trope, Orihime. Don't worry about it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Nah, I'm not broke. Actually, I'd be willing to treat you all to a meal in the student union restaurant later, if you'd like. Might make your loans go further. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Oh, what a kind offer! Thank you, Ichigo! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

I wouldn't say no. -Chad

* * *

~~Oh, good, that means I won't have to scrounge off Renji. Although I suspect that he may have scrounged THAT from somebody else in the first place... -Rukia~~

* * *

_Hmm. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Great! Well, I have somewhere I need to be now. I won't be back until the evening, so we can make arrangements then? Meet in the living area at 7pm? See you then! -Ichigo

* * *

_Something doesn't seem quite right about this. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_I think I'm going to go and follow his reiatsu, see if I can work out where this money's coming from. I do hope the incident last week hasn't given him a taste for petty crime. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Good luck Uryu! Try the bank, first. That's kind of the obvious place to steal money from. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~I think he's peddling stolen Chappy plushies in the student union! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Perhaps Mayuri has taken him on as a paid research subject? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Don't be silly. He's obviously offering a service opening people's boxes of juice for them! Those cartons are tricky little buggers to get open... -Rukia~~

* * *

Or he's got a job in the student union restaurant and is offering to take us there because he has a discount. -Chad

* * *

~~Unlikely, but it can't be ruled out... -Rukia~~

* * *

*_What are you saying, Rukia? It's brilliant! Of course Ichigo would make a fine waiter. With that scowl, he's perfect for a male tsundere café! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Yes, except for the fact that the student union restaurant is NOT a tsundere café. Besides which, isn't that rather too close to the idea of a host club for something on a student campus? -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Wow, Rukia! You're so knowledgeable about the World of the Living! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~What can I say? I've been reading some great manga recently. -Rukia~~

* * *

_The mystery is solved. So, who's curious? Although you probably don't want to know. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_I KNEW IT! He's working at a host club, right? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_No, actually. It turns out that one of the assistant librarians is paying him to model clothes from around the world for her photography degree. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_If anybody wants to see pictures, I thought that Ichigo in a kilt would make for some really good blackmail material. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Whoa, and Ichigo just let you take the pictures? -Rukia~~

* * *

_He had no idea I was there. He always was terrible at sensing others' reiatsu. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Well, I know now. -Ichigo

* * *

If any of you ever mentions this to anybody, I'll probably yell at you for a while. And then maybe eventually decide I don't really give a stuff. -Ichigo

* * *

**ohaithar. -renji abarai**

* * *

Scheiße. -Ichigo

* * *

_Spoken like a true Quincy. -Uryu Ishida_


	21. Interior Decorating

**Author's notes: Sorry for the several days with no updates, I've been busy with stuff, and it took me ages to realise that I couldn't think of anything funny enough for a Valentines Day entry. Just pretend that Orihime gave everybody loads of chocolate, Rukia got confused by the custom and stole other people's, and that instead of writing on the fridge they all had an in-person meeting briefly telling Rukia off. And then Ichigo stole the chocolate she had stolen and claimed it for himself. And that she kicked him but eventually gave up and conceded the chocolate to him because he was holding it above her head and she couldn't reach. And then Renji fought over it with Ichigo.**

**... Okay, I totally should have written it. I'm sorry. Perhaps I'll write it as a more prose-y one-shot in a couple of months.**

**Anyway, skipping straight to April...**

* * *

_Let's play a little game, shall we? How does "Guess Who is Responsible for Which April Fools Prank" sound? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Orihime and Rukia filled the living area with toy bunnies. -Chad

* * *

*_Aw, you got us! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Um, I'm pretty sure that's all that anybody did. Except for the stink-bomb Renji set off in the lift, not understanding that we're not the only ones in the building who have to use it and there is also a staircase. -Rukia~~

* * *

_That is not all of the pranks anybody committed. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

WHOA, YOU did a prank too, Uryu? -Ichigo

* * *

_No. Don't play dumb, Ichigo. Nobody else had five dozen rolls of toilet paper with which to cover every single one of my possessions. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

That wasn't a prank! I thought you'd just like your room's new colour scheme better than the old one. It's all white now! -Ichigo

* * *

_... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Okay, so it WAS a prank, but you have to admit it was a good one! -Ichigo

* * *

_... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_No. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Tee hee! You can't deny, that was actually pretty clever. You're always complaining about not being allowed to redecorate your room, Uryu. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_Although yeah, that does sound a bit annoying. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Please don't encourage him, Orihime. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Oh no! You mean that white tissue paper I caught Fido eating earlier was from your room? -Rukia~~

* * *

~~I apologise for my puppy destroying your interior decorating! -Rukia~~

* * *

_That's really your biggest concern? Because I'd be more concerned about the fact that there is a distinct and conspicuous lack of dog poo on the living area carpet today. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~O.O -Rukia~~

* * *

_I'd take him to a vet if I were you. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Couldn't you just take a look at him, Uryu? I can't really afford to pay for a vet. You're doing medicine, right? -Rukia~~

* * *

_1. You don't need a medicine student, you need a vet. Dog and human anatomies are very different. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_2. Don't be a cheapskate, your brother is one of the richest people I've ever met. And my father owns a hospital. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_3. Contrary to popular belief, I AM NOT STUDYING MEDICINE. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Oh. -Rukia~~

* * *

Wait. you're not doing a medicine degree? But you were in the same lectures as me earlier this year. -Ichigo

* * *

So he did one module. -Chad

* * *

_Correct. I did one medicine module earlier this year in order to deprive Ryuken the satisfaction of having a larger vocabulary than I do. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Oh! What have you been doing since then? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Law modules, mostly. I wanted to do a rounded degree before I specialise in forensic science. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Come on, you can't honestly think I'd want to go into Ryuken's line of work? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

This... makes a surprising amount of sense. -Ichigo.

* * *

~~Yeah, you're certainly, um, precise enough for forensics! -Rukia~~

* * *

_Is that your way of calling me fussy and demanding? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~... Your words, not mine. -Rukia~~

* * *

OH CRAP it just hit me that you've been studying law. Could you have me arrested for breaking and entering, considering I had to pick your lock? -Ichigo

* * *

_Yes. But I won't if you clear up the toilet paper I have left in the corridor outside your door. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Consider it gone. -Ichigo

* * *

... -Ichigo

* * *

Uryu? -Ichigo

* * *

_What is it now, Ichigo? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Do you know how to unblock a VERY clogged toilet? -Ichigo

* * *

_Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me... -Uryu Ishida_


	22. La Langue d'Amor (et Autres)

~~Salut, tout la monde! -Rukia~~

* * *

What the hell is this, French week? -Ichigo

* * *

~~Je pense que tu est un idiot, Ichigo. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Ich verstehe, ging Rukia zu einem Französisch Vortrag heute. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

You what? -Ichigo

* * *

Creo que Ichigo se confunde. -Chad

* * *

_Das braucht nicht viel. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Non iniqua esse, Uryu. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Pretty certain that was Latin. What the heck is going on here? -Ichigo

* * *

~~J'ai attendé un conférence dans le Français aujourd'hui! -Rukia~~

* * *

I CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Et studio classica in academia! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Huh? -Ichigo

* * *

_Ein Idiot nicht sein, Ichigo, sagte sie, sie studiert Klassiker. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I'M SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW. -Ichigo

* * *

_Betrachten sie es als rache für die WC-papier vorfall. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

WC means toilet, yeah? Are you telling me off for blocking the toilet after that prank? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Stultus non est! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Er wirkt sicher, wie er ist. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**SALUT CHACUN J'AI APPRIS QUELQUE CHOSE AUJOURD'HUI -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Woop! Copains Français! -Rukia~~

* * *

**c'est la langue d'amor. haha ichigo. -renji abarai**

* * *

I'm feeling very left out right now. -Ichigo

* * *

_Sie wird darüber hinwegkommen. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

HOW ARE YOU ALL UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Habemus lexicones germanicus, gallicus et hispanus.-Orihime xx_*

* * *

_**HAHA. Rwy'n siwr na all neb ohonoch yn deall gair o'r hyn yr wyf ddim yn dweud, er bod? -Kon, Pren Mesur Sofran Hollalluog O Drôr Hosan Ichigo Yn (Ac Weithiau Ei Gorff)**_

* * *

_... Aber keiner von uns kann Walisisch sprechen. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Gallaf. -Chad

* * *

Kon and Chad can speak Welsh. My entire life is a lie. -Ichigo

* * *

_**TRANSLATION**_

* * *

~~Hi, everybody! -Rukia~~

* * *

What the hell is this, French week? -Ichigo

* * *

~~I think that you're an idiot, Ichigo. -Rukia~~

* * *

_I understand, Rukia went to a French lecture today. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

You what? -Ichigo

* * *

I believe Ichigo is confused. -Chad

* * *

_It doesn't take much. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Don't be unkind, Uryu. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Pretty certain that was Latin. What the heck is going on here? -Ichigo

* * *

~~I went to a French lecture today! -Rukia~~

* * *

I CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH. -Ichigo

* * *

*_And I'm studying the classics at university! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Huh? -Ichigo

* * *

_Don't be an idiot, Ichigo, she said she was studying classics at university. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I'M SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW. -Ichigo

* * *

_Consider this revenge for the toilet paper incident. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

WC means toilet, yeah? Are you telling me off for blocking the toilet after that prank? -Ichigo

* * *

*_He's not stupid! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_He certainly acts like it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**HI EVERYBODY I LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Woop! French buddies! -Rukia~~

* * *

**it's the language of love. haha ichigo. -renji abarai**

* * *

I'm feeling very left out right now. -Ichigo

* * *

_You'll get over it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

HOW ARE YOU ALL UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER? -Ichigo

* * *

*_We have French, German and Spanish dictionaries. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_**HAHA. I bet none of you can understand a word I'm saying, though, can you? -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_... Although, none of us can speak Welsh. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I can. -Chad

* * *

Kon and Chad can speak Welsh. My entire life is a lie. -Ichigo

* * *

**Author's notes: This chapter has been an experiment. Both in testing what would work for this fic, but also in my French and Latin skills. Although I will admit to egregiously copypastaing the German and Spanish from Google Translate. Also the Welsh. While I AM Welsh, and I should really speak more of it, my current skills are pretty much restricted to basic greetings and blanket Englishman-insults (it's a Welsh thing) so I copypasta'd that, too. BUT BUT BUT I did the French and Latin all by myself. Please correct me if I screwed anything up. :D**

**Anyway, you may have noticed that the schedule for this story is slipping slightly. This is because I am a bad person. Don't worry, I'm just a bit burned out from NaNoWriMo right now and had to go and write some other stuff to prevent myself from going mad. Although if I really wanted to prevent madness it's probably a bad idea to be writing a dozen identical Piedmon scrapping over which one is the most fabulous, and then starting a heavily-lampshaded in-universe shipping war to the death. Don't ask. (Also, I wrote my first punch-scene. Yay! Not between the Piedmon, obviously, because they're more the type to dole out bitch-slaps.) But yes, I will continue writing this as often as I can. The schedule just might be a tad erratic for a couple of weeks.**

**As usual, thank you all for all of the lovely reviews, and to those who have favourited/alerted the story or myself. Also, to the reader (no names mentioned) who fell and cracked their rib - I'm still sorry. I do hope it's healing. :S**

**A brief note on Ichigo: he's getting a bit rebellious with the pranks, isn't he? I chalk it up boredom due to the hollows being quiet, and the fact that at university you don't have teachers on your back all the time for making trouble. He's free to do what he likes and nobody in any position of authority will accuse him of being a delinquent (except for the police). Also, Renji's around more often and he's probably a bad influence.**


	23. Shakespeare Two Point Zero

Has anybody seen my Shakespeare anthology? It's gone missing, and I kind of wanted to read it. -Ichigo

* * *

_Orihime, have you been sleepwalking again? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_No! I'm sorry, Ichigo, I borrowed it. I didn't think you'd mind. I'm just absolutely fascinated by the sonnets! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Well, you can if you like, I won't stop you... -Orihime xx_*

* * *

No, I was quoting. That was one of his sonnets. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Oh. Well, I had an idea! I just went shopping and bought something amazing, and I think we should all have a competition to see who can write the best sonnet. The winner gets the prize! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Sounds pleasant enough, but I'd rather watch. -Chad

* * *

*_Okay, you don't have to take part if you don't want to, Chad, but you won't win the prize! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

That's okay. I don't need it. -Chad

* * *

~~Orihime, do you want to team up to write our sonnet together? -Rukia~~

* * *

*_That sounds fabulous, Rukia! We'll have to share the prize if we win, though. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~It'll be worth it. Our sonnet will put all other sonnets to shame. -Rukia~~

* * *

**oh oh oh let me go first! -renji abarai**

* * *

**baboon king: a sonnet**

**my bankai's broken**

**i fight with it anyway**

**it makes me look strong**

**-renji abarai**

* * *

_Renji, that's not a sonnet. It's an haiku. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_And a bad one, at that. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Renji is disqualified! Who's next? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_**MY TURN -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_**Masochism Tango: a sonnet by Kon**_

_**You might say that my entire world**_

_**Revolves around contact with girls**_

_**So though Rukia-sama**_

_**Has a fist like a hammer**_

_**By her, I don't mind being spurned.**_

_**-Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

You had better hope I never hear Nel repeating that one, you perverted lion! -Ichigo

* * *

_**Oh yeah. It would never do to CORRUPT THE HOLLOW. -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_**ALSO it's not perverted, it's a tragic story about a man whose love keeps on rejecting him, and yet to him the feel of the soft skin of her knuckles against his face is better than no contact at all! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer**_

* * *

*_Kon is also disqualified! Care to show us how it's done, Ichigo? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Certainly. -Ichigo

* * *

An Ode to Getting Nothing Done, by Ichigo Kurosaki

Stare at the ceiling, eyes drawn to the cracks

Look back at my desk, the paper is blank,

Press my back into the chair and relax

My brain stays static, refusing to crank.

Time passes and soon it's been two straight hours

The screen is still blank, a page filled with white,

I glance out of the window and see cars

Will I do any work? Perhaps I might.

Get bored, get up, search for something to eat

But the fridge is empty, no food in sight,

Though I'm now poor, the pranks were no mean feat

Wonder if Kenpachi would like a fight?

On second thoughts, no, I can't be bothered

Back to bed, I'll do something tomorrah.

-Ichigo

* * *

~~Wow! You managed to write an entire fourteen lines in which you got absolutely nothing across at all! That must be a record! -Rukia~~

* * *

_Nice iambic pentametre, but I don't care for that neologism at the end. You sound like a hooligan. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Oooh, very nice, Ichigo! Now for mine and Rukia's masterpiece! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~ROBOT RABBIT: The Sonnet

If robots are good, and rabbits better,

What would happen if you tried to cross them?

Sure, they'd short-circuit'f you got 'em wetter

But wouldn't it be worth it for the fun?

You could zap your foes with super lasers

Send aliens back to where they came from,

Laugh ev'ly as you equip the tasers

Watch it rampage, your foes are now its noms.

Doomsday would fall as the RobRab would rise

The world would bow down to your creation,

Listening to the population's cries

The monstrosity flattens the nation.

But if you don't want to destroy a thing

Give it a nice voice and force it to sing.

-Rukia & Orihime~~

* * *

... -Ichigo

* * *

I think my brain just broke. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Well, it's your turn next, Uryu! Make it a good one! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Hummingbird_

_I'm a lone sparrow, I fly through the trees_

_Flapping in earnest, I work on my own,_

_Hiding my heart somewhere nobody sees_

_I search for the hiding place I call home._

_But while I was looking, I was surprised,_

_A hummingbird hovering before me,_

_I saw her crash-landing before my eyes_

_Broken wings, something I could not unsee._

_I tried to help the hummingbird in vain_

_But she healed herself, smiled, and flew away,_

_And with her she took away all my pain_

_Wonder if I'll see her again someday._

_Wings flapping so fast that no one can see_

_I love the hummingbird, she set me free._

_-Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Wow. All the awards. Uryu wins. -Ichigo

* * *

That was adorable. -Chad

* * *

**it made me shed a manly tear. yes. definitely a manly one. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Beautiful. That is possibly the sweetest thing I've ever read. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Eeeee, that was so cute! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Well, I'm really glad you like it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Definitely! I think we're all agreed: you win, Uryu. And so, you shall receive your prize! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Oh? What even is it? You haven't told us. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Oh, right. Silly me! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_It's a sparkly pink bracelet! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Tell you what, Orihime, why don't you just keep it? Consider it a gift. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Really? Are you sure? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Quite sure. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Pink isn't exactly, er, my colour, anyway. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**Author's notes: Welp, I can't quite believe I just wrote that, either. Honestly, I was expecting this chapter to be a bitch to write, but it came really easily. I don't even know. (And yes, I made up the haiku, limerick and all three sonnets from scratch.)**

**Just in case anybody is sad about Chad not writing a sonnet: he already knew what the prize was. Also, in my head, his poetry doesn't obey strict rules. Instead of a sonnet he'd have written a novel-length epic about a blade of cut grass floating in the wind or something.**

**Many imaginary cookies with extra imaginary chocolate chips to everybody who has reviewed, favourited and alerted. Actually, just to everybody, because I appreciate that this story is getting long and a lot of people are sticking with it silently. Thank you for that, too! :D**


	24. Ill

**Author's notes: So. My last chapter got like twenty reviews? That's more than nearly every full story I've ever written has ever got. Thank you! I really appreciate your feedback. :D**

**I wanted this fic to have ALL the ship tease, ALL of which would be played for laughs, but I realised that perhaps my OTP was a bit too front-and-centre in the last chapter. For the record, the all love is unrequited trope is very much in effect here. There will never be any actual couples in this story. (Also, I have literally zero experience of relationships and couldn't write one if my life depended on it. :D)**

**So, to make up for the egregious author appeal of the last chapter, have some Uryu/everybody. None of it at all serious. :D**

* * *

*_To the next person who reads this: I just found Uryu on the living room floor. Shun'o and Ayame told me that he's just caught some bug and that they can't find anything to fix. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_They told me that he just needed some sleep, so I put him to bed, but now I have to go to a lecture on democracy in ancient Greece so if when they get back in somebody could check on him while I'm away that would be great. I feel bad about leaving him, but it's so close to exams that I need to be in my lectures! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~I've just been in to see him. He was worried about his chemistry seminar this afternoon, so I volunteered Renji to go in his place! -Rukia~~

* * *

**fine, but i'm not taking notes. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~... -Rukia~~

* * *

~~Perhaps I should go with you. -Rukia~~

* * *

_**WHA? RUKIA AND RENJI ARE GOING TO A CHEMISTRY LECTURE TOGETHER? DITCH PINEAPPLE-HEAD AND LET ME STUDY CHEMISTRY WITH YOU, MY DARLING RUKIA! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

~~Look, Kon, Uryu's ill. He can't take his own notes, so we have to be nice and do it for him. You would only take bad notes and screw up his learning. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Aww, that's so nice, Rukia! Hey, Uryu, Rukia's sitting through a super boring lecture for you! You should ask her out! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_**NO YOU SHOULDN'T. -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

You do realise he's still confined to his bed and can't read your note, right, Orihime? -Ichigo

* * *

*_Oh, of course! Silly me! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

So, I've just been in to see Uryu again. He doesn't look too good - his face is whiter than his sheets. I'm guessing he just came down with a particularly nasty virus and his low blood-pressure made it worse. I tried to get him to stand up, and he nearly collapsed. -Ichigo

* * *

*_Sounds like he could do with some food. I know, I'll make him some of his favourite mackerel and miso soup! Only I don't have any mackerel. Or miso. I wonder if smoked salmon and mozzarella would be an acceptable substitute? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Great! And you won't even have to use his anti-stink candle because he's the only one who gives a stuff and he has no sense of smell at the moment. -Ichigo

* * *

Actually, Ichigo, I'd rather the floor didn't smell like fish. -Chad

* * *

*_He loved the soup! Well, actually, he went green, but he did say it sounded lovely and that it was a pity his illness had suppressed his appetite. Poor boy. I can't imagine not wanting to eat! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Uryu says he wants to take a shower. -Chad

* * *

~~Can't he go one day without one? If he really is having trouble standing up, wouldn't it be better not to? -Rukia~~

* * *

Oh, you know what he's like. Always has to be spotless. He does have a temperature, though, so I guess he'd be sweating more than usual. -Ichigo

* * *

Right, I suppose I had better make sure he doesn't die. -Ichigo

* * *

**woa. whoa. whoa. is the sound of running water in the bathroom ichigo and uryu in the shower? together? -renji abarai**

* * *

*_Yes. Ichigo is there just in case Uryu faints. None of us want him to drown! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**my otp is canon. i totally knew this was going to happen. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Excuse you. Ichigo is Uryu's second cousin. -Rukia~~

* * *

**which would be regarded as perfectly acceptably distant in numerous cultures around the world. -renji abarai**

* * *

Excuse you. Nothing happened. We both wore swimming trunks. Orihime saw and can vouch for it. -Ichigo

* * *

*_I did see Ichigo and Uryu with their swimming trunks on. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**... -renji abarai**

* * *

**ot3? -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Renji, you're worse than Kon. Ichigo and Uryu are like brothers. Who fight a lot. But really love each other. -Rukia~~

* * *

I really don't think you're helping, Rukia. -Ichigo

* * *

But thank you for trying. -Ichigo

* * *

There is nothing wrong with bromance. -Chad

* * *

Can we wrap up this conversation already? -Ichigo

* * *

_I would just like to say how grateful I am to all of you for helping me yesterday when I was unable to move. I'm still feeling ill, but the dizziness isn't so bad and I can walk around and eat now. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_I'm so glad! Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Chad, I finished the book you let me borrow, so that's on the coffee table. Thank you. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Also, I have a question: is there any particular reason why there are no notes on the fridge? This doesn't feel normal. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

No reason. -Ichigo

* * *

~~No reason. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_No reason! -Orihime_*

* * *

No reason. -Chad

* * *

**pfft. -renji abarai**


	25. Pizza Party

_Ichigo, I thought I forbade trumpet-playing. Would you kindly keep it down? Some of us are trying to revise for our exams. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

For a start, you only forbade trumpet-playing between midnight and 6am. -Ichigo

* * *

Also, I'm not the one playing. -Ichigo

* * *

~~Yeah, whoever's playing it is actually pretty good. There's no way it's Ichigo. -Rukia~~

* * *

What's that supposed to mean? -Ichigo

* * *

Sorry. I'm practicing for my performance exam. -Chad

* * *

_Chad plays the trumpet. Of course. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_That's such a pretty piece, Chad! What is it called? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Poulenc's Sonata for Horn, Trumpet and Trombone. -Chad

* * *

*_Wow! So you'll be performing with two other people? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Yes. -Chad

* * *

_I don't mean to sound rude, Chad, but aren't there rooms for practicing in over in the music department? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

They're full. -Chad

* * *

~~You're excused. -Rukia~~

* * *

_Okay, does anybody have an explanation for the fact that I just opened the oven and found eleven defrosting pizzas stacked on top of each other? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_In fact, you might call it the Leaning Tower of Pizza. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Did Uryu just make a joke? -Rukia~~

* * *

Don't make jokes, Uryu, it's just scary when you do. -Ichigo

* * *

_... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

But yeah, the pizzas were me. Renji was around last night to revise with me, and we decided we were hungry so we went to the shop, bought eleven frozen pizzas and put them in the oven. Then we decided that actually we were too tired to bother with them, so we both went to sleep instead. I guess we forgot to put the pizzas back in the freezer. -Ichigo

* * *

Alcohol may have been involved. -Ichigo

* * *

_I shouldn't have asked. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Well, if the pizzas have defrosted they shouldn't go back in the freezer. Should I cook them for us all? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**WOOOOT PIZZA PARTY -renji abarai**

* * *

Renji, you freeloader. -Ichigo

* * *

**what? you were going to let me have half last night. -renji abarai**

* * *

I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT. -Ichigo

* * *

**what's your point? -renji abarai**

* * *

*_I've finished cooking the pizzas! Ichigo, you and Renji picked out some really boring pizzas, so I improved them with sweetcorn, toffee sauce and green beans. They're on the dining table. Tuck in! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Orihime, you should open a restaurant. Seriously. Your combinations sound really weird, but they work so well together it's unreal. -Rukia~~

* * *

**no, i'm not sure i'm brave enough... -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Don't be a baby, Renji, I thought you wanted the pizza earlier. -Rukia~~

* * *

**... -renji abarai**

* * *

**this is delicious. -renji abarai**

* * *

Right. I would like to propose a group trip to the library this evening to revise together. On my own I just end up goofing off and I actually do want to do well in my exams. -Ichigo

* * *

_You just like the attention from the librarians, don't you? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Shush. You're just jealous. -Ichigo

* * *

**SHA LA LA LA LA LA MY OH MY, LOOKS LIKE THE BOY'S TOO SHY, AIN'T GONNA KISS THE GIRL... -renji abarai**

* * *

_You're not still going on about this, are you, Renji? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Did he just call me a girl? -Ichigo

* * *

**don't mind me, i'm just revising for the media studies exam i'm turning up for tomorrow. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Yeah, there's quite a lot of focus on Western animation. Usually with a catchy soundtrack. -Rukia~~

* * *

~~A WHOLE NEW WOOOORLD, A NEW FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW... -Rukia~~

* * *

Is it just me or has everybody lost the plot? -Chad

* * *

*_Yeah, exams can do that. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**Author's notes: Yeah, revision madness. The next chapter will have something more closely resembling plot. :D**

**Apologies for the four-day delay, I've been writing other things in an attempt to prevent myself from burning out. On the plus side, I managed to churn out two new one-shots. IT'S THE LAST DAY OF NANOWRIMO TODAY and I'm on around 38,000 words, so I'm not going to make 50K, but I'm going for forty. This means more uploads after work tonight. Yay! :D**


	26. The Complete Accident (Really)

**Author's notes: National Novel Writing Month is over! I wrote 45,000 words out of 50,000, so I didn't officially win, but I beat my personal words-per-month record by fifteen thousand. Yay! :D This means that my writing productivity level is probably about to take a nosedive, but I'll still be updating Fridge Notes frequently. The chapter after this shall be the start of a new academic year! (Although this is running on Ouran-time so they'll be kind of in the same year forever, or until the story starts jumping the shark or I get bored.)**

**Well, I promised that something was going to actually happen in this chapter. Yep, that's right, we are now cargo shipping! Kind of. If the contents of this chapter count as Byakuya/mop. Heh. Oh well, as always, many thanks to all of you lovely people who are still reading/reviewing/favouriting/alerting this story. You make me smile. :D**

* * *

**WOOOOT EXAMS ARE OVER! LET'S GET DRUNK! -renji abarai**

* * *

_What exams? You're not technically doing a degree. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**i meant YOUR exams. you've been uptight to an extremely testing degree for the last few weeks, uryu. -renji abarai**

* * *

Ooh, burn. -Ichigo

* * *

~~No time for alcohol, Renji, my brother's visiting this evening for a few days to congratulate us all. -Rukia~~

* * *

Yeah, or to murder us for allowing you to sleep on a floor... -Ichigo

* * *

_Okay. This is manageable. Where will he be staying Rukia? At an hotel? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Nope. Here! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Rukia, in case you hadn't noticed, we're already pretty short on space. Literally the only free room is the cleaning cupboard. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~That's not a problem, he can just stay with Ichigo! -Rukia~~

* * *

Excuse you? -Ichigo

* * *

~~... or Renji! -Rukia~~

* * *

**you what. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~... or me! -Rukia~~

* * *

_That would be reasonable were it not inflicting your brother's presence on poor Orihime. I think one homeless Soul Reaper and a puppy who doesn't understand the meaning of the words "toilet training" are quite enough for her to handle. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_My room is getting a bit full. Sorry, Rukia. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Well, then, Byakuya can just have my old room! -Rukia~~

* * *

The cleaning cupboard? -Ichigo

* * *

I'm having trouble picturing that. -Chad

* * *

~~No, he won't mind! -Rukia~~

* * *

_All right then, Rukia. You can have Byakuya around if you don't mind being the one to tell him that he's sleeping with the mop. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

~~Done. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_You're so brave, Rukia! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~No, you're all just cowards. I mean, come on, how can you possibly be scared of him? He's like a majestic little bunny-rabbit! -Rukia~~

* * *

He never smiles. -Chad

* * *

His Zanpakuto can turn into a million cherry blossoms. WHICH SLICE YOU INTO BACON. -Ichigo

* * *

**bacon sounds pretty good right now. you got any in your fridge? -renji abarai**

* * *

_No. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Yes, we do, Uryu! I went and bought some yesterday! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Not for Renji, you didn't. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**thanks for the bacon, orihime! -renji abarai**

* * *

*_You're welcome! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_I should really give you assertiveness lessons one of these days, Orihime... -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Right. Well, I have something to be doing this afternoon, so I'll see you all in a few hours. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

What the heck was that about? What could he possibly be doing now exams are over for the year? We're all going home in a few days and we're okay for food until then... -Ichigo

* * *

~~Who knows what he does? He's not exactly the most open person in the world. -Rukia~~

* * *

*_And yet he can be as easy to read as a book. What a paradox! -Orihime xx_

* * *

That's not a paradox, Orihime. That's just bad lying. -Chad

* * *

~~Right! The rest of us had better prepare for Byakuya's arrival later. -Rukia~~

* * *

Joy. -Ichigo

* * *

*_I'll prepare a meal! How do fish-cakes with marshmallows and laverbread sound? Laverbread's this Welsh delicacy made out of seaweed. Your brother likes the Seaweed Ambassador, right? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~He'll love it! You're so thoughtful, Orihime. -Rukia~~

* * *

Eh, I'll tidy up the living area. I don't suppose he'd be too thrilled if he saw the rubbish pile I made by the sofa. -Ichigo

* * *

**that was you? and to think that all of this time uryu had been going on at me about that when i now have proof that it WASN'T me. -renji abarai**

* * *

~~Somebody hide Kon. -Rukia~~

* * *

_**OI! Don't you even CONSIDER giving me to that flatulent mutt of yours, Rukia! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

**what did he just call me? -renji abarai**

* * *

~~He meant Fido. Thanks for the idea, Kon! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_There's stuffing all over the corridor. I think we're going to need Uryu to stitch that lion up again. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Hey, did anybody hear that explosion down the corridor? Near the lift? -Ichigo

* * *

**i swear it wasn't one of my stink-bombs this time. -renji abarai**

* * *

_Rukia, I am afraid that a failed chemistry experiment of mine may have scuppered your plans for your brother to sleep in the cleaning cupboard. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Uryu, you didn't... -Chad

* * *

_I am terribly sorry to inform you that the cleaning cupboard is no more. You'll have to tell your brother to find accommodation elsewhere. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_He's right! Now there's just kind of a hole in the wall by the lift where the door used to be! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_But rest assured that I did all I could to prevent the, er, accident. It certainly wasn't a deliberate attempt to stop Byakuya Kuchiki from staying over. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Uryu, you just blasted right through from the hall to my bedroom, you idiot! -Ichigo

* * *

_Well, then, I suppose it's a very good thing we're all going home in two days. Until then, I've re-created an image of the wall out of spare reishi mixed with matter, so nobody without significant spiritual pressure should be able to tell unless they examine it too closely. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

... -Ichigo

* * *

I know I don't say this nearly enough, but you're a freaking genius, Uryu. -Ichigo


	27. Sleepover

**Author's notes: Just pretend that the random "3"s have a "less than" sign in front of them. Silly formatting. :/**

**And now for something slightly different. :D**

* * *

**3 What's up, people? Guess who's here to welcome you into your new home for the year! Just try not to blow this one up, okay? I got stuck fixing the last one before the new people moved into it, and that was a TOTAL pain. By the way, I found and destroyed the notes you left in the bin revealing yourselves to have deliberately blown up the wall. Uryu Ishida, you bad boy! -? 3**

* * *

_It was an accident. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Aizen? -Ichigo

* * *

Kisuke Urahara? -Chad

* * *

~~Captain-Commander Yamamoto? -Rukia~~

* * *

**3 Ugh, I'm so disappointed in you all. Seriously. 3**

* * *

*_Yoruichi? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

**3 No, silly, it's me! -Rangiku 3**

* * *

*_RANGIKU! Eeeeee! How have you been? -Orihime xx_*

* * *

Oh, hey Rangiku. How's Toshiro? -Ichigo

* * *

_How did you get into the building? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**3 1. I've been brilliant, Orihime! Just the other day I managed to get an entire six hours of sleep while the Captain did my paperwork! It was wonderful. -Rangiku 3**

* * *

**3 2. The Captain is in a very good mood at the moment! He's delighted that I could take a trip down here to visit you all! Wait, that just means he wanted to be rid of me. :( -Rangiku 3**

* * *

**3 3. I climbed through your window. How else? -Rangiku 3**

* * *

_I'd really be better off never asking any questions ever again. I always get stupid answers. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Looks like the girls have gone shopping. We've got the place to ourselves for the evening, guys! -Ichigo

* * *

~~Nope, we just went to get Rangiku a sleeping bag so we could have a sleepover in Orihime's room tonight! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Yes! We'll be commandeering the kitchen for the evening to make snacks. I hope you boys feel like ordering pizza because you're not getting the oven! -Orihime xx_*

* * *

_Suddenly I feel like getting a take-away. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Weren't you talking about giving Orihime assertiveness lessons, Uryu? -Chad

* * *

_That's different. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Eh, whatever. I literally couldn't care less. -Ichigo

* * *

**pizza sounds good. -renji abarai**

* * *

Oh, I thought we had got rid of you this year, Renji. -Ichigo

* * *

**i heard the magic word. PIZZA. -renji abarai**

* * *

**wait, where are the girls? -renji abarai**

* * *

_They're having a sleepover in Orihime's room. Rangiku is visiting. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Why should they get to have a sleepover when we don't? That's kind of unfair. -Ichigo

* * *

**because guys don't DO sleepovers. -renji abarai**

* * *

What if we were to leave our rooms every ten minutes and leave messages on the fridge for each other throughout the night? -Chad

* * *

I'm pretty sure that's the longest note you've ever written, Chad. -Ichigo

* * *

Good idea, though. It sounds kind of fun. -Ichigo

* * *

**a MANLY sleepover. yeah, i can see it. -renji abarai**

* * *

_What should we do first, then? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

I left canapés by the fridge. -Chad

* * *

Well, why don't we start with anonymous confessions? Ordinary confessions are something of a staple of sleepovers from what I've heard, so we can make it manlier by including anonymity. -Ichigo

* * *

_Ah, so we make it manlier by turning it into a coward's Truth or Dare? That's not completely stupid at all. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**all right, who's going first? -renji abarai**

* * *

IT SECRETLY BOTHERS ME WHEN THE GIRLS WALK AROUND THE PLACE IN THEIR PYJAMAS. -?

* * *

THE GIRLS ARE KIND OF AWESOME. -?

* * *

I'M NOT ASEXUAL. -?

* * *

I'M THE ONE WHO KEPT EATING ALL OF THE CHOCOLATE IN THE CUPBOARD LAST YEAR. -?

* * *

I'M IN LOVE WITH RUKIA. -?

* * *

Wait. -Ichigo

* * *

There are five confessions. -Ichigo

* * *

_**Well, of COURSE there are five confessions! There are five of us, aren't there? -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

FREAKING KON. -Ichigo

* * *

I thought I had left you in Karakura! -Ichigo

* * *

_**Nope, you're not getting rid of me that easily! -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

I'm calling an end to this manly sleepover. Who's going to burn the notes before the girls find them? -Ichigo

* * *

_I'll do it. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

HECK NO. You think I'm trusting you around fire after last year's incident? -Ichigo

* * *

**3 Too late, boys! Rangiku knows all. -Rangiku 3**

* * *

_Well, isn't this just a brilliant start to the year? -Uryu Ishida_


	28. Whodunnit?

**3 Good morning, boys! Sleep well? WE didn't, we were up all night talking about things. Oh, that reminds me, when I said "Rangiku knows all," I meant Rangiku knows ALL. For example, I know exactly who spent the entire night standing outside Orihime's door listening in! Tut tut, you naughty boy. ;) -Rangiku 3**

* * *

_I suspect Kon. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Yeah, he is a little pervert, isn't he? -Ichigo

* * *

**3 Perhaps. Perhaps not. I have no other comment. -Rangiku 3**

* * *

~~Wait, Kon, you were listening to us? I'm going to tear out your stuffing and replace it with pudding! -Rukia~~

* * *

_Please don't. I have no desire to sew THAT mess back together. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

*_Yeah, that would be such a waste of good pudding, Rukia. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

*_Actually, do we have any pudding? Pudding sounds good right now. Possibly with some carrot sticks to dip. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

No, we don't have any pudding. -Ichigo

* * *

_Funnily enough, I was just about to buy some with my weekly shop. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

How fortuitous. -Chad

* * *

~~OI, don't try to distract me from the whole spying business! This is very serious! -Rukia~~

* * *

*_Not really. We only really talked about kids' TV and enumerated about fifty different flavours of ice-cream. -Orihime xx_*

* * *

~~Okay, so they didn't listen to anything we would have minded them knowing, but it's still the principle of the thing! -Rukia~~

* * *

**3 Chillax, Rukia. If you had started talking about anything incriminating, you know I'd have stopped you. -Rangiku 3**

* * *

~~Ah, but would you? -Rukia~~

* * *

**3 ... Probably. -Rangiku 3**

* * *

_Rangiku, I don't mean to sound rude, but when are you going back to the Soul Society? -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**3 Trying to get rid of me, Uryu? -Rangiku 3**

* * *

_URK. No! Not at all! You're welcome to stay as long as you like, of course. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**3 I'm glad to hear it. When I asked Captain Hitsugaya how long I could stay for, he just ignored me. I kept asking, and eventually he just snapped, turned to face me and said "I don't care, I'll probably be doing all of your work either way," in his really grumpy 'I'm in the middle of doing my paperwork so don't interrupt me' voice, before returning to his paperwork. Therefore, I'm here for as long as I want to be here! -Rangiku 3**

* * *

Yay. -Ichigo

* * *

_**THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

**3 On second thoughts, I might just go home after this afternoon's shopping trip with the girlies. -Rangiku 3**

* * *

_**NOOOOO STAY PLEASE MY DEAR DARLING RANGIKU -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_**Would you stay if I wrote you a sonnet? -Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_**The thing that's undoubtedly best**_

_**About girls is the size of their chest**_

_**I'm not exactly a noob**_

_**When it comes to the boob**_

_**You won't find a bigger expert on breasts!**_

_**-Kon, Almighty Sovereign Ruler of Ichigo's Sock Drawer (and Occasionally His Body)**_

* * *

_That is... quite possibly the most offensive thing I have ever read. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_And I had to sort through Vandenreich propaganda. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Kon. For the last time, that's not a sonnet. IT'S A LIMERICK. And I expect you to apologise to all three of the girls when they come back. -Ichigo

* * *

They left before Kon wrote it. -Chad

* * *

... Oooor we could just burn the notes over the stove before they come back, use liberal amounts of brain-bleach and pretend that THAT unfortunate combination of words never came to be. -Ichigo

* * *

But seriously, who was it who was spying on the girls all night? That's not cool. -Ichigo

* * *

_I don't know why you're asking, Ichigo, Kon's looking even more suspicious after that debacle. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Yeah, but we don't actually have a confession from him. And we're not going to, anytime soon, I threw him at the wall so hard he's currently scraps of fabric and a mass of cotton wool sitting on my desk. -Ichigo

* * *

_I daresay it'll be my job to fix him, then. Thanks a lot, Ichigo. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_Still, I think I probably would have done it myself if you hadn't got there first. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

We may never know for sure who the peeping Tom was. -Chad

* * *

_What about Renji? He left in a hurry after Rangiku interrupted. He could have stuck around. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Eh, I don't know. Let's wait until Kon regains consciousness and work it out then. -Ichigo

* * *

_Good plan. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

_I can't quite believe I just said that to you, Ichigo. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

Hmm. I have nothing against her, but it's quite nice to be free from Rangiku now she's gone, isn't it? When she was here, it felt almost as though there was a lion prowling around the floor, preying on anybody who let their guard down. -Ichigo

* * *

_I know exactly what you mean. -Uryu Ishida_

* * *

**3 Always remember and never forget: Rangiku knows all, boys! ;) -Rangiku 3**

* * *

**Author's notes: Rangiku got a very warm reception after the last chapter, so I decided to bring her back for this one. Yay! She has gone back to the Soul Society now, though, but I might just bring her back for another trip in future chapters because I love writing her. Who knows? (I don't, I don't really plan more than a couple of chapters ahead, if that.) :D**

**Thank you reviewers! I'm afraid that here is where I must disappoint you: I will not be saying whose confessions in Chapter 27 were whose. This is because I don't know myself. Only Rangiku knows, and I'm afraid she's not telling. I have my suspicions, but I'm not certain, so I will say this: match whichever confession you like to whichever boy you like. Then again, also bear in mind that it's entirely within the realms of possibility that Rangiku added to the list to troll the boys, or even that Rukia wrote the confession about her herself in order to provoke a reaction. Essentially, anybody could have written any of them. You will never know, so just guess. The same goes for whoever was listening outside Orihime's door; I have my suspicions, but I'm leaving it up for debate. :)  
**


End file.

Bleach, Friendship, Humor