Final Fantasy XIII 1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

_This is a silly that story takes place after the events of Lightning Returns. However, it is in an alternate universe, where the characters have stayed in their original world. Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer**- I do not own the rights to Square Enix's Final Fantasy XIII franchise.

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Hope grasped the makeshift letter in his small hands, his eyes scanning over the puzzling proposal. Why had Snow asked to meet him alone- and in a strip club of all places? Hope, who had just recently gotten his emotions back, was not sure what to make of this unexpected invitation. After trying to assess the situation with all of his new indefinite feelings, Hope decided to go through with the meeting, but also decided to bring some backup- okay, A LOT of backup. In other words, Lightning, Fang, Vanille, Sazh, Dajh, Serah and Noel- who were all just as worried as Hope was.

As he approached the front of the building, Hope tried to find his "courage." He thought back to his past, where he had exhibited much bravery and faced many daunting opponents, such as trained soldiers or vile beasts. But in all honesty, Snow was much scarier and far more unpredictable than any of those. As he pushed through the ornate doors, the others slipped inside, attempting to be as inconspicuous as possible- not that it really mattered considering how oblivious Snow could be. Even so, they decided to hide themselves behind a bar near the entrance of the club's main room, and poked their noses out over the bar top as they watched Hope walk hesitantly forward. He entered the middle of the empty hall, his footsteps reverberating off the myriad strip poles, which sent the echoing sound and his apprehensions shaking upward toward the raised ceiling overhead.

"Ummm…." Hope began, timidly gripping his hands together.

"Hooooooooooooope…"

It was Snow's voice- singsong, taunting… seductive?

Hope looked up.

Snow. Sliding down one of the tall strip poles, his eyes fixated on Hope as he promptly hurtledtoward him. "Hoooooooooooooope," he repeated, his bulky boots slamming against the tiled floor, its shock almost knocking Hope to his knees. "My loooooooooooooove," Snow cooed, holding his gloved hand out to Hope.

"What are you doing?" Hope asked, clutching his hands together even tighter and playing with his fingers. Without answering, Snow began singing again and, to everyone's horror, dancing on the strip pole. He twirled around it, one leg bent to the side, one finger pointing at Hope as he worked his way around the pole.

"My loooooooooooove…"

Mimicking a typical stripper, Snow slid down the pole and rose back up again, twerking. Hope stood stationary, unable to take his eyes off Snow, unable to process or define what was going on in front of him.

The others had much more pronounced reactions-

Gagging, Lightning facepalmed herself while Fang smirked, and, squeezing Lightning's hand, teased, "You like what you see, love?" Jumping up and down, Vanille squealed, "Great performance!" as she giggled and frantically clapped her hands together with unabashed enthusiasm. Sazh was not as amused; he turned away in embarrassment and made sure to cover Dajh's eyes who (thank Etro) had no idea what was going on. Holding her face in her hands and whispering into her palms, Serah mumbled, "I always knew he was gay… I'm so glad we decided not to get married." Noel, on the other hand, could barely contain himself, fighting the urge to both punch Snow in the face and run into his arms at the same time.

Before they could imagine the scene becoming any more ridiculous, something entered behind Snow (who was still attempting to dance sexually). It was a group of Anubys,arranging themselves into a single file line. They had lank legs, disheartening stature, yellow eyes, and… top hats and canes? Kicking their spindly limbs, they started doing a rather well-synchronized can-can routine. Hope's skull could barely contain his large, oval eyes.

"Hooooooooooooooope, my loooooooooooooovvvvvveeeeee…."

"My looooooooooooooooooove," the Anubys echoed, swinging their canes.

Hope analyzed the dancing beasts and the brawny man, who was singing and sauntering in front of him like some kind of Broadway-stripper reject. His voice irresolute, Hope interrupted the charade and asked, "Are you serious right now? What is the point of all this?"

"This is all for you, Hope," Snow replied, pausing and stopping his striptease (much to the relief of the others). "I wanted to make you laugh and ease you into this since you just got your emotions back. I didn't want to overwhelm you."

"Honestly, this whole fiasco is pretty overwhelming," Hope said, tracing his eyes over Snow and his sideshow. "But… overwhelm me with what exactly?"

Snow swallowed, looking uncertain, which was unusual for the boasting warrior. "Well… I always say that heroes never die and… well… neither has my love for you." Hope's pale face turned the color of Vanille's hair, as he truly felt powerful emotion for the first time since he had gotten it back. Seeing his discomfort, Snow went back to his dance. "Hooooooooooope, my looooooooooove. I'll make you feel _all_ kinds of emotion. Youuu caaaannnn be my king, and I'llllllll be your Snooooooow queen." He winked and threw his momentum around the pole, his gloves squeaking against the taut metal. The Anuybus resumed their kickline and Snow copied their movements, kicking his legs and shaking his palms. "Jazz hands!" he yelled.

The courage, the confusion, the incomprehension- all of the emotions he had felt for the first time in centuries- undulated inside Hope. It pored through him, to the ends of his silver hair to the tips of panicky fingers. All at once, the subdued shell that had encased him for so long, like the mighty Cocoon, fell to gravity's weight, crashing down in a sea of dust and crystal. Hope stamped his foot against the floor (although very weakly compared to Snow), and burst out laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Snow halted his salsa and looked at Hope, unsure if the laughter was a good sign or an omen of rejection. The others were just as perplexed: was Hope enjoying himself or had his new emotions combined with Snow's display caused him to completely lose it?

"You made me laugh, alright," Hope said finally, composing himself. His arms fell to his sides where they swayed loosely, all tension gone from his body. "You made me feel laughter, along with many other emotions: embarrassment, shame, pity. You really are a fool." The others let out a collective sigh of relief that made both Hope and Snow glance in their direction. Hope could only see the top of their heads (mostly Sazh's and Dajh's), but he could imagine them whispering. He knew that they were judging Snow, and that they were going to judge his next decision. Hope looked back at Snow who looked as if he lost all of his cockiness and confidence. He stepped down from the strip pole and started lightly hitting his fist against his palm.

"However…" Hope continued. "I am starting to remember how I used to feel all those years ago… And I remember… liking you, having a certain passion toward you." Wide eyes watched from behind the bar, as well as from Snow's anxious face. "Somehow… I think we can make this work." Snow smiled and held out his hand. The entire group's mouths fell open as Hope looked back at them and grinned. He eagerly took Snow's hand. Together, they walked off into an unknown section of the club, the only sign of their presence their distancing shadows of different lengths and height.

Unfazed by Hope and Snow's actions but disappointed that their dance was over, the Anubys shrugged and kick-lined away to wherever they came from, throwing their hats and canes to the floor.

"Didn't see that one coming," Sazh said, rubbing the back of his head. He removed his hand away from Dajh's face, who was the only one unharmed psychologically.

"I know he didn't have any emotions, but he did a damn good job of hiding that side of him," Fang remarked.

"Hope, you bitch! You man stealer!" Noel cried as he ran out of the room, his baggy pants tripping him. No one noticed him his exit except for Serah who chased after him yelling, "At least you have a chance considering he's gay!"

Vanille placed her thumb against her complacent chin. "Ummmm, did they forget about us?" She scanned the room with her hand pressed to her forehead.

"I don't care if they forgot us or not," Lightning answered, unusually unnerved. "My concern is if that really just happened."

The group fell silent, not sure if they should stay or go.

"You know," they heard Hope's voice echo. "I might physically be a teenager, but technically I am now over 1000 years old. I am not just a kid anymore. Who's the bitch now?"

"I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmm."

It was time to go.

In fact, it was time to run.

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Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment if you did! :3 -_Rai_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**

_The silliness continues! This is another crazy chapter and takes place a few weeks after the events of the first chapter. Please comment if you liked it, or if it made you_ _laugh!_ _:3_

**Disclaimer-** I do not own the rights to Square Enix's Final Fantasy XIII franchise.

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"My loooooooooove," sang Snow. "You are so delicioussss. I could eat you alllllll daaaaaay."

"Hey, I thought I was your love," Hope protested. He reached up and grabbed the bag of chips out of Snow's hand.

Without answering him, Snow grabbed Hope, pulling him into a kiss. Hope didn't pull away; he didn't care that they were kissing in public, in the middle of a crowded supermarket. Had he always been this aloof, or had losing his emotions made him less concerned about others' opinions?

After a few seconds, Snow released Hope and snatched the bag back, throwing it over his shoulder; it landed further up the aisle with a papery crinkle. "Don't worry, Hope," he said, grabbing a different bag off of the shelf and lifting it high above his head. "Your Snow is right here!" He thrust the bag downward, smashing it against the linoleum floor. The bag burst open, letting out a white cloud of cough-inducing flour that drifted upward and coated Snow's entire body. It masked his face, sticking to his skin and hair, the florescent lights causing his blonde hair to cast a silver glow, almost like Hope's hair. Snow stood firm and smiling, trying to ignore the water forming in his eyes.

"You are so corny," Hope giggled. "And you're making a mess," he added, brushing off the pale dust that had landed on him.

Snow squinted through his powdery eyelashes. "I think I found my favorite snack!" he yelled, running toward Hope. Sweeping low, he caught Hope by the legs and easily hoisted him up into his arms, the leftover flour cascading into the air as puffs of listless fluff. Hope let out a surprised chuckle as Snow yelled, "Let's put this snack in the cart!" He attempted to place Hope in their shopping cart, his arms and legs flailing, knocking over the mountains of food that were already precariously piled into the cart.

"Stop it!" Hope squealed. The two struggled and laughed together until they heard a plop- the sound of grocery bags falling to the floor. Snow and Hope looked up to see Noel standing nearby with tears in his eyes and plastic bags at his feet.

"Noel!" Fang appeared behind him with more bags of food in her arms. Her eyes widened, and something between a look of pity and a smirk appeared on her face. "Oh no," she said. "3… 2… 1…"

"HOPE! You bitch!" Noel yelled, sprinting past Snow and Hope, kicking his sullied food across the floor. Letting Hope down, Snow turned to watch Noel disappear and yelled after him, "You really have to stop doing this, Aladdin Boy!"

"You man stealer!" they heard several aisles away.

Snow sighed and turned toward Fang who was trying to hide her laughter. "If you are here," Snow said. "That means…"

_Tap tap_. Both Hope and Snow saw the rigid silhouette approaching. Despite the many grocery bags in her arms, the plastic did not seem to crinkle at all, as if silenced by her unyielding solidarity. The only sound heard was her boots clacking rhythmically against the tile. At the sight of them, the wine bottle in her hand broke, her fingers shattering the glass under their tension. "What are you doing here?" Lightning asked.

"The same thing as you. Getting food for our new apartment," Snow replied. He tried to hide his wavering voice, not wanting to show weakness in front of Hope, or in front of Lightning (who would destroy him at the slightest sign of hesitation).

For some reason, Lightning did not accept Snow and Hope's relationship. Everyone knew that she wasn't very fond of Snow because of his cockiness, but she had also turned slightly sour toward Hope. Was she upset that he had not told her about his feelings for Snow? Or maybe it was because he had abandoned her at the strip club a few weeks earlier? _It's probably the second one_, Hope thought to himself, squeezing his fingers.

Lightning did not answer Hope's questions; she stood there, silent, brooding, the wine dripping down her fingers onto her boots and the floor. She seemed to take no notice of the glass that was still clenched in her fist.

"Come on, love." Fang stepped in front of Lightning, breaking her sub-zero stare. "Let's get you cleaned up." Using her blue sash, she started to wipe away the wine. Lightning brushed Fang aside, who then whispered: "Come on, sunshine, they aren't doing anything wrong. They are just getting some food like we are. No harm done."

Snow, overhearing this, intervened: "Yeah, no harm done. Come and join us, _sunshine_."

Unable to resist Fang, Lightning ignored Snow's irritatingly blunt demeanor and reluctantly agreed. "As long as you don't sing."

Hope seemed to relax at this; he stopped playing with his hands and placed them on the cart. Snow smiled and beckoned Fang and Lightning forward. He walked back to Hope, who was having trouble moving the cart, its content stacked higher than his head. Snow nudged Hope aside and starting pushing it, Fang and Lightning following. An awkward, tense silence encased them, most of it emanating from Lighting.

"My loooooooooooove," Snow's voice rang out.

"I said no singing!"

"That wasn't me!" Snow protested.

"Oh, sorry," Hope said, blushing. "That was my ringtone."

Lightning glared at him.

"What?" Hope said, still embarrassed. "It was Vanille sending me a picture of a cute sheep…"

"My looooooooooove…"

The glare intensified.

"And that was Serah sending me a picture of Vanille hugging the sheep…" He quickly silenced his phone and stuck it in his back pocket.

"What's the matter, sis?" Snow said as he put his arm around Lightning's shoulder. "Is my singing that bad?"

"Yes! And I am not your sister!" She swatted Snow away.

"What is with you?" Snow interjected.

"Come on," Fang whispered to Hope. "Let's go on ahead and give them some space." Hope gladly obliged and the two of them starting walking ahead.

Lightning remained still at first, waiting for Hope and Fang to be a reasonable distance away. But then Snow heard her gloves squeaking as she tightened her fist. She shot around and yelled, "Why are you acting like this? Like a goddamn idiot?" She thrust her finger into his face. "And when did you become so freaking flamboyant?"

"Remember that bandana I used to wear? It kept all of my fabulousness contained. But when I took it off and let my hair grow, my flamboyancy grew with it. '_Girl, put your recordssss ooonnn. Play me your favorite sooooong. You go ahead, let your hairrrr dooowwwnnnnn_.'"

Lightning took her wine-stained hand and grabbed Snow by the collar, pushing him against the grocery shelves. "What are you playing at? Why are you acting like this? Is it some kind of ploy to win over Hope?"

"I…"

"You better not do anything to hurt him. He is like a little brother to me. I don't want you breaking his heart like you did with my sister." She gripped his collar tighter, pressing him harder against the shelves that dug into his back. "Or have you just completely lost it?"

"No." He winked.

"I don't know why I even bother with you. You are nothing but a fool."

"I… I think… I was an even bigger fool back then… Back when I tried to save everyone." Despite his stiff collar and the pain in his back, Snow managed to turn his head just enough to look toward Hope who was further up the aisle looking concerned, Fang holding him back. "With his emotions gone, he didn't smile for so long. I am trying to make up for all the time he lost. I want to make him smile and laugh… so that way… I can really be someone's hero."

Lightning flinched. Loosening her grip on Snow, she said, "Snow, that's…" She took a step backward, not noticing the lone bag of chips that Snow had thrown earlier. Her foot landed on it with a _POP_ and the unexpected jolt caused her to fall backward, her cape catching on the shelf. Lightning, Snow, shelf, and all came tumbling down. Snow landed on top of Lightning, the shelf crashing against his back, its food showering down upon him, Lightning, and the white tile.

The tremendous crash attracted the store manager who saw the disaster and yelled, "Hey! Look at this mess! There's flour, chips, wine, and glass all over the floor! And a whole shelf is destroyed! I am going to hold you accountable for this!"

"Snow…" Lightning mumbled, pushing him off of her.

"Yes, Lightning?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Hope!" Snow sprang to his feet and started running toward Hope, who looked shocked with laughter. "Make a run for it! And don't forget to grab another bag of those delicious chips!"

Hope started to sprint and called back, "Only if you admit that I am more delicious than they are!"

"Hoooooooooope…" Snow began.

"You guys better stop fooling and get moving!" yelled Fang, who was also running now because she was equally as afraid of Lightning. "She means business right now, and there's no stopping her. I would know!"

"Youuuu arrrrreeeee sooooooo…"

"I SAID NO SINGING!"

"HEY! YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE!" screamed the store manager. "WHO IS GOING TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS?"

"Ummmm…" said Sazh, who had just arrived at the grocery store.

He watched as the group ran past him: Hope, Snow, and Fang tripping and laughing, and Lightning sprinting with her gun- blade drawn.

He scratched his head. "Did I miss something?"


End file.

Final Fantasy XIII, Humor, Parody