Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers Ho Ho No

Title: _Ho Ho No  
><em>Author: JoeHundredaire  
><span>Rating:<span> R/FR18  
><span>Disclaimer:<span> Right, I actually went and checked to be sure this time… after being passed around like a slut at a frat party over the past few years, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel: the Series_, and all associated characters now belong to Warner Brothers. With a myriad of writers, artists, and editors - and directors, now that we're getting decent movie and television renditions - actual rights are a nightmare when you go near a comic book universe. Suffice it to say that Marvel Entertainment LLC owns all of the property printed in their comics, along with the television and movie adaptations of said same property. Not mine, don't sue, and so forth and so on.  
><span>Summary:<span> Christmas comes but once a year, for which Bobbi Morse is eternally grateful.  
><span>Joe's Note:<span> This one goes out to Christopher, who I believe asked me about writing some Nat/Bobbi 'shipping fodder around Christmas 2013. He asked again this year, and I actually managed to get some done this time. This is based loosely in the future of _Dawnie Does the Marvelverse_; I've been careful not to mention Dawn's interactions with the characters in this story because it does in fact take place after the point I've reached in the story and I don't want to write myself into a corner by making an off-hand mention of some event now only to find out that it doesn't work in the greater story I'm writing there. So… if you haven't read it? You're not losing out on much, at least when it comes to understanding this story.  
><span>Dedications &amp; Thanks:<span> To Nicholas, Alexander, Thomas, Wil, Tracy, Christopher, Mitch, Jessica, and Jess for sponsoring me on Patreon, and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

><p>"Wake up, wake up!"<p>

"The sky is awake, so you're awake?"

"I was going to go with that it's Christmas but yeah, sure."

Bobbi Morse groaned as she opened her eyes, staring up at her ridiculously excited wife for a few seconds before turning her head to look at the clock. Then she groaned and looked back up at the redhead who was practically vibrating with excitement as she straddled Bobbi's hips. "…it's 6:47 in the morning. You know the rules: Christmas morning doesn't start until sunrise."

Groaning in dismay, Natasha Romanoff rolled off of Bobbi and then scooted across the mattress to the edge. Hopping to her feet, she made her way across the bedroom to the floor to ceiling windows that formed the south-facing wall and threw the curtains wide open. Gesturing to the cityscape outside, Natasha glanced back and forth between Bobbi and the view. "Civil dawn. Close enough, right?"

"If I say no, will it stop you from coming back over here and jumping on me some more?"

"No."

"Ugh." Giving in to the inevitable, Bobbi leaned over and snagged her goggles off the bed before rising into a sitting position. Running her fingers through her hair to both detangle it and pull some flyaway strands back away from her face, she slipped the goggles on to hold it in place before sliding out of bed. "You should probably change before we go out there, though, unless you're planning to give the gift that keeps on giving: childhood trauma."

Natasha furrowed her brow as she glanced down at her outfit. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Shooting the redhead an incredulous look, Bobbi bent over and snagged her slip from where it lay pooled on the floor. After checking it to make sure it hadn't suffered any serious damage during the previous night's excitement, she slid it onto her nude body before retrieving a matching dressing robe. "You're joking, right?" The blonde reached out with one hand, pressing her thumb against one of the vibrant hickeys that decorated the redhead's exposed cleavage and making Natasha hiss softly in a combination of pain and pleasure. "Faith may appreciate the joys of the fairer sex just like us, but I'm pretty sure she's not ready to see her mother in a slutty Missus Claus outfit."

"Considering what Kate walked in on Mommy doing to Missus Claus the other night, I'm pretty sure they're as traumatized as they can possibly get." Nevertheless, Natasha slipped past Bobbi and retrieved her own dressing robe from the back of their door. Pulling it on, she belted it shut to hide her outfit from view before making her way back over and tugging insistently on the blonde's wrist. "Now can I go enjoy my Christmas?"

Bobbi nodded and then let out a squeal of surprise as the redhead burst into motion, forcing her to stumble along behind to keep up as Natasha rushed over to the door, threw it open, and then hurried out into the living room. "How you're still this excited about Christmas after eighty-six years, I have no idea. You'd think the novelty of it would have worn off by now."

Scoffing, Natasha pushed Bobbi down into 'her' armchair before hurrying off toward the kitchen. "Yes, because this is definitely the sort of thing I got to enjoy in growing up in the Red Room. Or in communist Russia period. Or when I was-"

"Right, right. Horrible childhood and teenage years and the majority of your adulthood to boot, and so you're very Peter Pan Syndrome. Which I should probably be thankful for, because otherwise you probably wouldn't be interested in someone young enough to be your granddaughter." Reaching up as her wife returned with a mug in each hand, Bobbi gratefully accepted the one marked 'World's Best Dad' and took a sip from it. Mmm. Hot chocolate. Because she liked her coffee the way she liked her men: nowhere near her body. "So, just out of curiosity, how many of your presents are actually going to be a surprise?"

Perching on the arm of Bobbi's chair, Natasha shot a glare at the mountain of presents that surrounded the base of the Christmas tree. "All of them. I still can't believe that you installed a security system around the Christmas tree. Who even does that?"

Bobbi smirked and saluted Natasha with her mug before taking another sip. "A super spy's wife when she wants her presents to be a surprise on Christmas morning. It's bad enough that I need to funnel money through eight different accounts and use burner phones logged into accounts tied to disposable email addresses. But if I'm going to put that kind of effort into surprising you, it's going to stay a surprise, darn it. The Academy actually sent four of their best students up here this year to install some of their newest inventions. I guess SHIELD figures that if they can't stop the Black Widow then they aren't ready to be deployed in the field yet. Although the coolest security measure came from one of our sister agencies." Natasha raised an eyebrow at that, and Bobbi's grin widened even further. "Go on. Try and take a present out from under the tree."

Handing Bobbi her coffee, Natasha rose to her feet and cautiously made her way over to the tree. After staring at it suspiciously for almost a minute, she leaned down and tried to grab a particularly large red and gold box with her name on the tag.

'Tried' being the operative word.

"I am Groot."

"Ah!" Jumping backward, Natasha let out a squeak as the Christmas tree batted at her hands before carefully nudging the box she'd disturbed back under its lowest branches. Another hand appeared, pulling some fake branches and tinsel back to reveal a frowning face on the tree's trunk as it waggled a finger at Natasha. "What the fu-"

Bobbi threw her head back and laughed loudly as Natasha looked back and forth between her and the tree in disbelief. "I'm on the CC list for any arrival announcements that SWORD sends out because of Faith. Evidently this group that calls themselves the 'Guardians of the Galaxy' is visiting because the one human member wants to introduce the rest of the team to our holidays. And buy more cassette tapes, for some bizarre reason. When I heard they were mercenaries and one of the members was a sentient tree, it was just like… serendipity. That's why the television's been on non-stop lately; keeping Groot entertained. He's got your wireless headphones on, so he could keep listening even when we muted it." Natasha just continued to stare at her with a slack jaw, and Bobbi turned to the Christmas tree. "Okay, Groot, I think we're good. Do you want to stick around for actual Christmas fun, or what?"

"I am Groot."

"That's fine. Have a great day, and thanks again. SWORD will make sure the funds are in your account by the time the _Milano_ takes off."

"I am Groot!"

As Groot carefully extracted himself from the pile of presents and began making his way across the apartment - still in full Christmas tree disguise - the door of their eldest daughter's bedroom swung open. Coming to an abrupt halt in the doorway, Faith Lehane stared with wide eyes as Groot meandered past on his way to the front door. "…so we're having a _Lord of the Rings_-themed Christmas, then?" When a glance Natasha's way only netted her a helpless shrug, Bobbi turned her uncomprehending look back Faith's way. "You know, even the fucking trees walked?"

Traitor that she was when it came to the daughters' discipline, Natasha let out a muffled snort of laughter even as Bobbi sighed and made a beckoning gesture. Faith floated over to the blonde's chair, pulling a wad of singles out of her cleavage - which was more creepy than sexy when her seventeen-year-old ward was doing it, Bobbi quickly decided - and peeling off half a dozen so she could place them in Bobbi's waiting hand. "Plan on swearing a lot this morning?"

"More like covering my ass in case one of my presents turns out to be wicked fucking awesome." Faith spun away from Bobbi's exasperated swat, sending her rainbow hair whipping around her head and casting rippling patterns of multicolored light across the living room. Drifting over to the couch, the Majesdanian stretched before flopping down. "So, does the mug mean we're going from two Moms to a Mom and a Dad? Because I can dig that. Spending five minutes trapped in a 'go ask your mother' loop was some fucked up shit, lemme tell you."

While her and Natasha's senses of humor didn't always quite line up, when they did? They managed to come up with some hilarious stuff. Mean, sure, but still hilarious. Reaching up, Natasha ran her fingers through Bobbi's hair slowly as she appeared to contemplate what the blonde had assumed was a joke or possibly a rhetorical question. Despite the fact that she could kill a man in dozens of ways and had a traveller's fluency in a half-dozen languages, Bobbi still was never quite sure when something actually qualified as rhetorical… "If you're serious, it's something we can talk about over dinner some night. Kate would need to be okay with it, of course. It's not an idea I've ever been wild about, but it'd make it easier to sort out certain parent-specific duties. One of us can enjoy Mother's Day while the other gets treated on Father's Day, we know who to send for school events that want one parent in particular, things like that." Pausing, Natasha frowned as she glanced over at the closed door of their youngest's bedroom. "Speaking of Kate…"

There was a moment of silence… and then Faith groaned. "Sorry, I forgot that nobody can see me rolling my eyes when I'm in my energy form. You should probably stick your head in and let her know that Christmas is starting a bit earlier this year. I woke up to the sound of her and Ant-Brat giggling away about something. So they're up, but better at obeying the rules than Mom is evidently. Which reminds me, next time we're all going to be out of town for a few days, can SHIELD send someone over to install some soundproofing? Because between their slumber party shit and the two of you going at it for like, three hours straight last night…"

"Actually, it was closer to four and a half. Superhuman stamina comes in handy now and then."

"Natasha! Not appropriate!"

"Why not? She obviously knows we're having sex. We should be open and honest with her about that sort of thing, or else she won't trust us when she needs to talk to someone about her own sexual activities." As Bobbi worked to come up with an appropriate counter, she was distracted by Natasha tugging the top of her robe open a bit so she could peer down into it. "Although if Faith isn't traumatized by this sort of thing, remind me again why I'm stuck wearing this stupid robe?"

Coughing to draw Bobbi and Natasha's attention back to her, Faith raised her hand. "Three reasons. One: listening to you beg Dad to pull your hair and spank you harder is plenty traumatic. I'm just really good at repressing shit. Two: you're my temporary legal guardians, not my parents, and you're both wicked hot. It's hard enough keeping certain trains of thought in the station; I don't need you adding to the problem with… whatever you're barely wearing under there. And three: Kate and Ant-Brat."

Natasha let out a throaty chuckle as she slid off the arm of Bobbi's chair and straightened her robe. "I suppose I'll take that second part as the compliment that it is… and add that if Bobbi and I break up sometime after your next birthday? I wouldn't mind trying my hand at robbing your cradle next, Faith. I might even try even if Bobbi and I are still together…" Winking, she sashayed past the couch, leaving Faith staring after her in disbelief even as Bobbi tilted her head back to stare up at the ceiling, face flushing darkly. While they'd occasionally discussed bringing someone else home with them to spice things up, Majesdanian was not part of the spice rack that they had been contemplating, at least as best Bobbi remembered. And… she wasn't sure she liked that metaphor. Did it even make sense? The sound of Natasha's knuckles rapping against wood drew her from her thoughts, and Bobbi looked over at where the redhead was leaning against their younger daughter's bedroom door. "Girls! Time to unwrap presents!"

The door swung open and a pair of blue eyes peered out around Natasha's hip before eyeing the redhead suspiciously. "But it's only 6:55." Stuffing her hand into the pocket of her pajama pants, Kate Bishop pulled out an iPhone and consulted it before looking back up at the redhead. "Sunrise isn't until 7:14 today."

A glowing blue figure wound its way between Kate and then Natasha's legs before returning to full size as Cassie Lang went scampering across the apartment, launching herself up and over the back of the couch so she could come in for a landing beside Faith. "Kate! She's going to let you unwrap your new bow early! Don't complain!"

"Wait, you know what you're getting for Christmas?" Natasha's expression became decidedly pouty as the younger of their adoptive daughters slipped past her, following along behind Kate as the brunette made her way over to join Cassie on the couch. With the whole family roused and assembled, the redhead returned to her perch on the arm of Bobbi's chair, nudging her shoulder gently. "How come she gets to know what her present is ahead of time?"

Bobbi let out an incredulous chuckle before looking pointedly at one present in particular. Which was completely impossible to mistake for anything other than a brand new compound bow: Natasha had wrapped the limbs and grip in purple and gold paper before winding curls of ribbon around the bowstring itself. "…gee, I wonder."

"What else could I have done with it? It's a bow."

"Left it in the box and wrapped that instead? Maybe put that box in a bigger box to disguise the shape?"

"…oh. Hmm. That's not a bad idea, now that I think about it."


End file.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers, Family, Romance