Letters

_**Tl;dr Artist's Note ahead. Feel free to skip it.**_

_I wrote the first version of this story a while ago, but was so dissatisfied with the mistakes, I took advantage of the fact that no one had noticed it's existence to delete it (to hide my __**shame**__) and edit it. I must say, I like this version much better, even if it must still have some mistakes my foreign brain can't see. Added the more or less NC-17 scene I was supposed to write from the beginning and fixed a few other things. I have learned a lot from writing this, even if I feel like the story itself is way out of my current narrative ability._

**Letters (V.2)**

Every day, for three days, Kain received letters.

The first arrived with the first rays of dawn, floating in a gust of wind. Kain caught the dirty paper, which seemed to have been written on the ground.

"_Dear Kain:_

_I don't wish you would be here. _

_I don't wish this on anybody. But I cannot leave._

_My memories slip from me, and I can't count how many times I've tried to write this letter to you, only to forget why._

_I have no time to write everything I would like to tell you, so just know this: I miss you._

_Cecil Harvey"_

The handwriting looked odd, crooked and harsh. So unlike Cecil's flowing letters. But even like that Kain could not confuse it. His heart jumped, and he rushed back to Baron.

That same day, at midday, he found another letter stuck in a three branch.

"_Kain:_

_My group survived one of the worst ambushes I've had to fight on. The amount of enemies seemed endless. Endless, like this war._

_The memories of home fade with every defeat, but I have stopped fearing it. How could I keep fighting with the memories of my own death, of the death of my friends, haunting me day and night?_

_Hah. That's funny, you know. Because there's no real day and night here. Did I tell you that in my past letter? I remember writing one to you, and the others tell me I did. Light even said he gave me the paper to write it, but I can't for the life of me remember what I said._

_There's not much to be said, and even less that I want to tell you. I just…I guess I just wanted to talk to you. I miss so much the people I still remember._

_Sometimes I wish you could be here, and others I wish nobody would know about this war. I guess I'll have to compromise, and write to you. Even if I can't be sure that this will reach you, or that you will believe it._

_I have to stop now, we need to plan the next attack, and I think dinner's ready. We don't let Squall cook any more, and nobody trusts Bartz or Zidane to do it, so I was supposed to cook with Firion but he's covered me while I write. I think he does that because he's worried about me and Golbez. And Light…I feel like he still won't trust me. _

_I…No, I still don't wish you'd be here._

_Cecil."_

Kain reread the letter a couple of times, stopping to glare at the foreign names near the end.

Golbez.

So Golbez was in that supposed war too? Or could this all be nothing but a trap?

But it didn't seem like a trap. He wasn't being summoned anywhere, nor given any information about anything. He was merely left with more doubts and more worry.

He slowed his pace, and decided to spend the rest of the day in a nearby town. These letters seemed to find him somehow, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to risk missing one while traveling. Sitting in his room he inspected the letters again, checking for any magic in them. There was nothing. They were simple, rough pieces of paper written with a rough pencil.

As the sun started setting, he looked out the window, wondering where Cecil was. Then, another piece of paper fell from the sky. Kain jumped out the window and caught the paper in midair. It was smaller than the others, and felt hot to the touch.

"_Kain:_

_I have left the others to go search for Golbez. He has risked so much to see me…I need to find out what he knows about the crystals. Firion will be so angry, I bet._

_It's an odd feeling. Having to fight alone. _

_It almost reminds me of a battle, long ago; but against who? I'm sorry to say, even your memory slips from my mind now…_

_I don't know what will become of us, if we forget everything other than what is around us now. But we can't let go of a chance to save everyone, everything._

_Cecil."_

Kain crushed the letter in his fist. What was this? Was this really Cecil sending him letters from some faraway place, in the middle of a war? And what was all this about losing his memories? If he was being mind controlled he wouldn't be saying things like that. It was almost like seeing Cecil walk into death itself.

No. Kain pushed away those thoughts, and turned towards Baron.

The Letters vanished at midnight. As he raced towards Baron, tiny sparkles of purple light floated from the pouch where he kept the papers, and he opened it to find the letters turning into glittering dust.

"No…no…" he said, and tried to pull the papers, but they crumbled between his fingers. He clenched his fists. He had to get to Baron as soon as possible. Someone had to know something there.

The next day, by dawn, another letter fell to his feet. He stared at it, as if waiting for it to crumble into glittering dust.

Then he pulled it up and opened it.

"_Kain_

_Even Cosmos thinks I'm a weakness. Shall I turn now towards the fainting memory of a friend for answers now?_

_But I don't understand anything anymore. Golbez says that I am unworthy of the crystal, and he won't leave the side of Chaos. _

_I am now alone, more confused than ever before._

_Cecil"_

"Cecil…where are you?"

Kain dithered about taking a ship to Baron until midday. Would any other letters find him while on the ship? Was this really just a trap?

Another letter arrived, at midday, carried through the wind. Kain picked it up and got on the ship.

"_Kain_

_I got my Crystal! I got my Crystal! _

_I'm going to get back to the others now. We're going to go back to Cosmos, and everything will be alright! I'm so happy. I'll soon be back home and I'm sure seeing everything and everybody will bring back all my memories. _

_Finally, this will all be over._

_Cecil."_

Kain wanted to smile, but he wouldn't dare until Cecil was back; until he could see him, and touch him, and…

The sky darkened.

A storm was coming.

Kain laid on his bed, thinking only of Cecil and remembering what the first letters said. He memorized the last two, as he was sure they would disappear like the others.

The next letter slipped under his door, but by then Kain had stopped wondering how they managed to find him. Cecil would explain it when they met, of course.

Cecil would explain it all, when he came back.

"_Cosmos is dead. _

_Are we all dead too?_

_There is nothing anymore._

_We hold on to hope, but how can we hope for anything when the worlds crumble around us?_

_I want to have faith. I want to remember something to have faith in."_

The lack of any names made the letter feel empty, the words echoing down a dark void of words with their meanings lingering like shadows behind them. Was this written by Cecil too? If it didn't have Kain's name, who had he sent it to? Did he even remember Kain? All that talk about forgetting everything and everyone, was it really just a tragedy approaching?

He tore the paper to pieces.

Stupid, stupid Cecil. He wanted to be there just to shake some sense into him. If he had time to despair and write dumb letters addressed to no one then he had time to fight back whatever had killed this 'Cosmos' person. And what did the whole 'Are we dead too?' thing mean anyway? Death was definitely one of those things you couldn't help but notice.

He tore the other letters to pieces too. He didn't want to read them again, didn't want to know anything else until he had arrived at Baron.

He went to bed, determined to sleep for the rest of the trip.

He dreamed of Cecil. Of Cecil, and of flying.

In his dream, he flew over a castle, which then turned into an odd, crystal world, then into the surface of the moon. He frowned, confused, until he saw Cecil running, and descended next to him.

"Cecil! I've been so worried about you, dammit, where have you been?" he said, pulling at his hair, which had odd purple beads attached to it and seemed to have an odd color. More silver than white. As Kain looked over his friend, he realized there was something too weird about him. Something in his was different, something that he couldn't put his finger on.

Cecil looked at him surprised.

"And what is that purple thing in your lips?" said Kain, looking at the purple color in his friend's lips. He passed his thumb over Cecil's lips and frowned as some of the paint came off. "Is this lipstick?"

Cecil pushed him away.

"Who are you? What side are you on?" he pointed his blade towards Kain, who stood frozen in his spot.

It was true. Cecil couldn't remember him. He took a couple steps backwards, but then remembered how he'd flown over changing landscapes, and realized this must be a dream.

"I…I am on Cosmos' side. My name is Kain."

Cecil narrowed his eyes, studying him.

"You remind me of someone…Do I know you?

"Yes. We knew each other, from… other place," Kain's voice died off. The sense of having been forgotten, so completely like that; it filled his with an emotion that bordered on despair.

"Your name sounds so familiar…," Cecil put down his blade and rubbed his temple. "I'm sorry, my memories are not very good. And I'm so tired…" his hand touched the smudged paint on the side of his mouth. "Oh, look what you did! The others will laugh at me now!" he produced a small mirror and a bar of purple lipstick.

Kain's jaw fell.

"W-why are you doing that?"

"Doing what?" he asked, while fixing his lipstick.

Kain breathed deeply. This was all a dream, it had to be. But then, why was he dreaming about Cecil wearing purple lipstick? This was taking his drag jokes too far, and he vowed to never again make one of those.

"Nevermind. I just wanted to see you."

"See me? Well…I'm sorry, I just can't remember who you are."

Kain smiled sadly.

"I guess that's my main fear. I'm afraid…you'll forget about me…"

"Uh, I already did."

"No, this is a dream. I guess I wanted to see the real Cecil so much…"

"_I'm _the real Cecil! I'm Cecil Harvey!"

Kain laughed. Well, better to take advantage of the dream while it lasted. He took a step forward and grabbed at Cecil's jeweled hair, pulling him for a kiss.

He awoke well before dawn, with Cecil's taste still in his mouth.

Kain waited for the dawn letter in bed, still smiling from the hilarious image of Cecil putting on lipstick. Maybe, when they saw each other, he would give him a purple lipstick as a joke.

The sun rose, and the ship landed, but the letter arrived much later. Stuck on a windowsill, Kain found the dirty, crumpled paper. He picked it up and read it.

"_I don't even know why I keep writing these letters. By now, I've even forgotten who I was writing them for, or what I was so desperate to tell him in the first place. All that is left now for us is battle. All we can hope for is victory, and to have faith in our strengths. _

_I still have my friends. I still believe in my brother._

_I…still have my name._

_That is all I need, that is more than I could hope for._

_Cecil"_

Kain crushed the letter.

Friends? What friends could he have? He threw the letter to the ground behind him, and walked towards the castle.

Rosa was waiting for him.

"He left before dawn. Three days ago, without saying anything to anyone. I asked him, demanded to know what was so urgent. But he just left…," Kain listened to Rosa, who looked out the window to the dark sky. Then she turned her eyes to him. "How did you know about it?"

Kain looked away.

"I had a bad feeling."

Rosa nodded.

"I know. I…felt something was wrong with him too. I wish I'd done something then. Why go away alone Kain? Or was it because of me?"

"Because of you? Why do you-?"

Rosa sighed.

"He tried to leave me behind before. This time he managed it."

"Nonsense…He had to leave the kingdom to you."

"I know…," she said, and her tone told him that she knew Cecil would have left her behind no matter what.

Kain gritted his teeth, and for a moment almost told Rosa about the etters. But he didn't.

Because Rosa would believe him. And he could not bear to have her know the things Cecil said of the place where he was trapped.

"I'll find him," he said, getting up. "And I'll bring him back, so we can teach him that you don't leave your friends behind."

Rosa smiled, and so did Kain.

But they were smiles of knowledge. Kain realized Rosa knew of him. That she knew of what he thought when he stared at Cecil just a second too long, when he stood just a little too close, when…

She didn't ask to go with him, and he didn't offer it.

Kain didn't want to admit it, but right then; something changed between them.

He left just in time for midday, and the letter arrived in time.

"_I must say. I'm afraid._

_Strength won't take it away, and faith can only guide us through._

_But we are all afraid._

_Cosmos lives in us. We must trust in that._

_Time to defeat Chaos. For the final time._

_Cecil Harvey."_

The calligraphy with which Cecil had written his name was the same Kain had seen him write with, so many times before. Better, in fact; it's flowing, confident lines contrasted against the desperate message scribbled above.

Kain passed his finger over Cecil's name. No, he could not tell Rosa.

She hadn't received any letters, after all.

A dark part of himself, deep inside, rejoiced in that.

Without any clue, and without anybody knowing anything, Kain waited until dusk, for another letter that might give him more information.

But no letter arrived.

As the moon reached the highest point in the sky, the letter in his hand crumbled.

"What? No…it's too soon. No!"

The paper turned into dust, floating in a gust of wind. Kain looked up and saw the same purple lights descending into a nearby forest.

He rushed towards them, into a small clearing.

There was nothing.

In a heartbeat, Kain despaired, worried that he'd really fallen into a trap. But then, from every single sparkle around him, he heard Cecil's voice.

"It's mine to pass on…," echoed from far away.

"Cecil?"

"This strength I've gained from everyone."

Kain looked towards the moon. The lights seemed to be coming from there, but…

Sounds of armor made him whirl around, and he found himself face to face with Cecil. The real one.

"Kain. What are you doing here?"

It took a moment for Kain to react, and punch him in the face.

"Bastard! Where were you?" Cecil stumbled backwards, and Kain pulled him forward by his hair.

"Augh, Kain! Stop that, my hair!"

"You bastard, everybody has been worried sick about you!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Kain let go of him and Cecil fell backwards on the ground.

"Where have you been these three days?"

"Three days…?"

Kain sat next to him.

"You sent me a letter, at dawn, one at midday and one at dusk, during these past three days."

Cecil looked confused, then slowly, a smile pulled at his lips, and he started laughing.

"Three days! I could not have believed it! I…I was so worried!" he lunged at Kain and hugged him. "It's only been three days!" he froze. "Wait. You said, you got my letters?"

"Yes. All of them, but they all turned to dust at midnight."

"…So you know…"

"Hell if I know anything! You didn't explain anything in your stupid letters, it was all whining about how bad the place was, and how you were forgetting everything. I was so worried, and here you are, alright and with all your memories intact."

Cecil lowered his head.

"I…I never thought that my letters would really arrive to you. Have you told anyone about them?"

"Well, they did arrive to me, somehow. And no, I haven't told anyone, but now you're going to explain everything that happened to everyone."

"No."

"What?"

"I'm sorry Kain. I-I can't say anything. Please, don't tell anyone about them. I can't…I just don't want to have to explain it all."

Kain sighed, and took off his helmet. This looked like it would be a long night.

"Then, tell it to me. I already received the letters, so there is no point in hiding me anything now."

Cecil gave Kain a sad smile. He looked older, much older.

"I can barely remember it all myself. The memories of my life have come back completely, but…The war as a whole is very blurry in my mind. I don't know if I will forget about it…I don't think so. I don't think I could."

"War?"

Cecil took a deep breath.

"I guess it began three days, and a few eternities ago."

Cecil spoke for most of the night, putting together what he could remember of the War of the Gods, of the Chaos side and the Cosmos side, of his new friends, and of their enemies.

"It was hard at the beginning, we didn't really fit in together as a group; but we managed somehow. And after a few battles we grew fond of each other. Cloud, Tidus and I once stole Light's helmet, but he saw us and we had to run while throwing the helmet to each other so he couldn't get it back. It was so funny, you should have seen how dumb we all looked, running around with that stupid horned helmet. Then the camp was attacked, and Light said he would make us cook dinner for everyone forever after the battle…"

"And then?" asked Kain. They sat closer so Cecil wouldn't have to raise his voice.

"Nothing. There was no 'after the battle'. We lost."

"You were taken prisoners?"

"We died."

Cecil went on to explain that death didn't work the same way there. They were apparently one with this goddess Cosmos, and as long as she retained enough power, she could bring them back again, and again, and again…

"But, why? She could bring you back, but she couldn't summon a decent army?" asked Kain. The night was getting colder, and they sat next to each other. Kain noticed how close the tips of their fingers were, and looked away.

"I don't know. I asked Light once, and he said Cosmos once had an immense army. By the time she summoned us, only he remained. Cosmos called us because she merged the power of the worlds with her own. We were incredibly powerful Kain. I didn't realize it then, but we had such incredible power. All of us."

Cecil looked to the sky, with the same gaze that Kain knew from their childhood.

"I miss them already," said Cecil. "Even if…it all seems so much like a bad dream."

Kain looked up to the sky as well. The idea of Cecil having spent almost a whole life away, of missing new friends whom he now considered 'old friends'; it all brought him that old feeling of being left behind, of having lost something long ago.

"Maybe it would be best for you, to think of it as a bad dream…," _and keep your mind here. With me._

Cecil frowned.

"No. No, I could never…," he lowered his head. "Tidus said it once. 'Don't forget about us.' I always meant to ask him, because I saw it in his eyes…I'm sorry I never asked what 'remembering' meant for him."

Looking into those eyes he barely recognized, Kain panicked. This war, dream or not, would lift a wall between Cecil and everyone else. _Between Cecil and him_. The small distance between them reminded Kain about the dream he'd had. It was still Cecil, but…a different Cecil. An almost unrecognizable friend.

Cecil rested his head against Kain's shoulder, looking up to the stars shining above them.

"Near the end…when I had nothing more to hold on to, do you know what I missed the most?...Dawns. There were no dawns nor dusks there. In some lands it was always day, and in others it was always night. I wanted to see a dawn."

Kain put his hand over Cecil's.

"Then we will stay here, until you see it."

Kain could tell he was tired, but Cecil said that if he was going to tell the story, he would tell it only there and then. So Kain listened to him go on. Sometimes, when he glanced to his face, he could see a certain fear, and the words that came from his mouth sounded afraid. He wondered if that was the fear of forgetting. Of a forgetting brought by death.

With every anecdote, and every moment, and every heartbeat that heated the blood on his fingertips, Kain felt himself being pushed away.

His hold on Cecil's hand strengthened while the words he wanted to say dried his mouth.

Cecil kept narrating. There were battles, and duels, and ambushes. But there were also times of rest, of playing games with the others. Firion and Cloud and Tidus were the ones mentioned the most, since Cecil was apparently in some kind of group with them. But also others, like the self-appointed leader 'Light'.

"Sounds like a jerk," said Kain.

"Oh, he was mean to me for a while. But that was only because I was a Dark Knight. He was very simple minded, so for him light meant good, and dark meant enemy. I confused him a lot."

"And his name was Light, so he was clearly the leader. What a jerk."

Cecil sighed.

"He had no name."

"What?"

"He lost it. Along with everything else. He once told me Cosmos had said to him, that even if we won, he wouldn't get his memories back. I used to have nightmares about that. I feared that I would lose everything like him, lose the memories of my world, of myself; that even if I could come back…I wouldn't remember anything. I wouldn't be myself anymore."

Kain huffed, and turned towards him.

"Even if you'd forgotten everything, I would still remember you. And I would make you remember."

"Thanks Kain," said Cecil, and turned his face towards him.

Kain forgot how to breathe. He realized they were way too close, and way too alone.

"I dreamed of you once," suddenly said Cecil. "I didn't recognize you back then, because I had forgotten you by then. But now that I remember…," a small laugh escaped his lips. "It was a very dumb dream."

Kain smiled, then laughed.

"What?" asked Cecil.

"I had a dream about you too. And it was very dumb too. You wore beads in your hair, and purple lipstick, and-"

"And then you kissed me?"

"I…N-no, I…"

Cecil smirked, pulled at Kain's long blonde hair and kissed him.

"What…?" mumbled Kain when Cecil pulled away.

"I wanted to see you so much…even after your memory was taken from me, my heart remembered you."

"Cecil…, I…I have always…"

But Cecil kissed him again, with a ferocity and a need Kain had never expected in him. Kain fell back on the grass and his helmet fell off. It made him feel oddly exposed, and he looked down, but Cecil passed a hand through his hair, pulling his face up.

"I only realized it then, when I had to cling on to the one thing that mattered the most. If I could only keep one memory…I had to keep you," Cecil hugged him, tears falling. Kain kissed him again, and Cecil kissed him back.

Kain saw Cecil' face shadowed by his hair and his words of forgetting came back to him. Would he have the same strength? Would he, too, be able to hold on to him after years of unending war? After death, and war, and more death?

Kain took a deep breath, and tried to push away the shame that threatened to surface. It had always stood between him and everything else, that lingering feeling of not being enough, of not being worthy of facing the others. Even then, he hadn't kept his promise, to rid himself of his own darkness. He hadn't defeated himself and was there, with Cecil in his arms, taking advantage of his weakness and his longing for home.

Kain wrapped his arms around Cecil's waist, feeling the heat of his body between the layers of armor. He knew of the places where the layers joined and passed his fingers over them, without having to look at anything other than Cecil's white neck and gasping mouth.

For a moment, he wondered if he looked like this with Rosa, baring his weakness and his need. The thought froze him, and his fingers halted. Suddenly, the feeling of betrayal from long ago washed over him.

"Kain…," whispered Cecil, and the word said with such passion felt dirty to him.

"Cecil, you…you don't know what you're doing. I shouldn't…"

Cecil pulled on Kain's hair, hard. He pulled him down, kissing him, with the same ferocity that had seemed so wrong to Kain. This passion from Cecil didn't belong, and that was the thing that made Kain believe him so much. These little, misplaced emotions.

"Don't. Don't tell me that I don't know what I'm doing," said Cecil, finally parting from Kain's lips. "I have spent so long not knowing what I was doing, or what I should do; wondering and doubting everything. I know, who you are thinking of, and I…," tears fell from Cecil's eyes. "Can't bring myself to say her name now. Please. Be with me, be mine for this night; so I can be yours, until dawn comes."

Kain kissed away one of the tears that had fallen down Cecil's neck.

One night. If entire lives could be compressed in three days, maybe one night, could be enough. And when he heard Cecil gasp at the contact of lips against his skin, he knew he wouldn't be able to let go.

One night.

This night.


End file.
