1. Before the Change: What Could have Been

Fanfiction: "One, Two, Three..."  
Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy Genre: Adventure / Romance Warnings: OC pairings, OOC, possible cursing

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the Final Fantasy series, or any of the worlds, items, or anything of that nature, that's all on Square Enix. I don't own the characters Aria or Lynn, those belong to my friends, they just gave me permission to use them for this fanfic. Thank you.

FIC START.

~Prologue~

A Goddess of Harmony, Cosmos, and a God of Dischord, Chaos, have been locked in an eternal war for as long as anyone can remember.

The world they have their battles has become lifeless and ravaged, save for the warriors who fight in the name of either diety. No one knows the name of this world, or the places that used to be there, because every time the war ended, it would restart due to the efforts of someone or something unseen, causing the losers of the previous round to have their memories locked away. The warriors of either side would strive to find their memories through fighting, even though neither side has been able to keep those memories for long.

"The only way to break this cycle," said the Goddess to her warriors time and time again, "is to find your crystals. They will bring forth light that not even Chaos can extinguish."

Four cycles have come and gone since the battles started. Many allies of both sides have been lost permanently to this horrid game of the Gods, and each cycle, a few new souls are called forth to the aren to replace those who have died, to keep the fields between the Gods even.

~Part 1: Into the Light

The ground was cold. So cold, in fact, that it caused the armor-clad warrior to sit up straight the moment he noticed it. He looked around, finding himself in a place his body seemed to recognize, but he didn't remember. His helmet lay on the ground, and his sword stood upright in the snow.

He heard a call that sounded like it was from a distance away, but in truth was right next to him. "My warriors," the voice said, "Those of you who I have chosen... Return to me."

"Cosmos!" the warrior shouted. "You're unharmed... thank the Light." He smiled, but only brieftly. He pulled his helmet onto his head, and picked up his blade to put it away. "I will find you, and defend you." He wasn't sure exactly where he was, but he knew of one thing. If he found his friends, he would find Cosmos. That's all that really mattered.

With that, he left that cold snowfield and headed east, toward a gate blocked with a red glowing seal. Chaos always did this to divide the territories of the world into sections. It kept the moogles from resupplying Cosmos' warriors all at once, and it kept the manikins at bay. Even though the manikins helped Chaos immensely in keeping Cosmos' warriors busy, they also tended to make a mess of things for his own troops as well. It wasn't exactly economical to let them go gallavanting across the fields, but no one had a real way to stop them. The manikin gate was still lost to both sides, and no one ever took the time to search for it anyway. They were too worried about the other diety's army to deal with the manikins. The ghastly beings had the ability to read into the hearts and minds of whoever they were to fight, taking the form of someone that will be hard for them to face - for either emotional or physical reasons.

When he placed his hand upon the glyph, he was taken to the dungeon inside in a flash. This was a process that he didn't remember having gone through, but his body didn't seem to react to it. He found himself in a metallic building where the hallway would echo every step taken inside.

"Hmm, hmm, hmm! What have I found here?" a menacing voice asked from just around the corner. "Cosmos sure knows how to choose them."

The Warrior would not stand for such disrespect, so he ran out to see what the trouble was. "You!" he said, noticing the yellow-armored sorcerer, a man only known by the title 'the Emperor' was standing over the body of a fainted girl. "Don't you even think-"

The Emperor grunted. "And here's the purest of all, Cosmos' poster boy for sheer naivete, come to save a beautiful girl in distress. How do you fare, nameless Warrior of Light?"

"Do not mock my strength, Emperor," the Warrior said proudly. "Unhand the lady."

"Unfortunately for you, I need her for my plan. If you want your precious comrade, you will have to take her from me," the Emperor replied, pulling his staff from under his cape with his left hand. "Cosmos will be thrilled to know that you obeyed her orders without question yet again."

"You will not harm anyone in my presence," the Warrior said, drawing his sword. "En garde!"

The Emperor lept up into the air, casting his lightning traps around him. "Suffer," he muttered. "That is all Cosmos' warriors are good for!"

The Warrior threw his trusty shield in the air, catching the Emperor from below. "You're mine!" he shouted, bashing the evildoer on the head several times before calling up his Shield of Light spell.

The spell came too slowly, as the Emperor was able to dodge swiftly. "Warrior of Light, you're too good to win in this kind of conflict," he said. "You aren't willing to do the... darker things needed to surivive."

"I don't need to do darker things to survive," the warrior snapped at him.

"Oh?" the Emperor mocked him with laughter, landing back on the ground. "This silly fight is over for now. There is something you will need to attend to." He then looked over to the girl he had been standing over before. "And I will see you later, sweet one." With one wave of his staff, he was gone.

"Hey!" a voice called from behind the warrior. "If I were known you were fighting up here, I would have come a lot faster... and against that despot, too..."

The Warrior looked behind him. "Firion!" he said, his spirits lifting almost instantly. "It is good to see a friendly face."

Firion smiled as he approached his comrade-in-arms, the beads clinging to his scarf chimed every time he took a step. "Have you seen anyone else yet, other than the Emperor?"

"None of whom I know," the Warrior replied, pointing to the girl who was still lying on the floor. She hadn't moved since he first looked at her, but he never was able to see who she was with the Emperor in the way.

"Oh," Firion said. "And she's why the Emperor was here, I take it."

"Yes... He seemed very interested in taking her with him."

"Well, it isn't Terra," Firion said, kneeling down to take a good look at the girl, who's long light brown hair was a mess all over the floor. "And she isn't the... she isn't... Wild Rose, either." He put his hand on her cheek, as she wore a brown headband over her forehead. "She might be sick. She doesn't look like a Warrior of Chaos. Her face is a bit too gentle for that."

"But... there are no others but the forces of the Gods," the Warrior of Light said, utterly confused. "The Emperor said she was chosen by Cosmos."

"Then there must be a reason," Firion said. "We can always use new allies."

"Indeed."

"Wait..." something had caught Firion's eye. "What is this...?" He noticed that the girl was holding something in her hands other than her chosen weapon, an ornate Dragon Staff. "Could this be a...?"

"A crystal!" The Warrior of Light gasped.

"We should take her to Cosmos, right away," Firion insisted. "This can even the odds between light and the darkness."

"Agreed." The Warrior of Light reached down, gently lifting the girl into his arms. She was clothed in a long black dress with very delicate embrodiery and wore a green and gold cape that seemed longer than she was tall. "You take point. I'll be close behind."

Firion nodded. "Will do."

~ Part 2: The Wild Roses

Firion walked a bit ahead of his friend, the Warrior of Light, who carried a strange girl neither of them had ever seen before. He was a bit apprensive about it. After pondering the situation, he wondered if perhaps she was a trap set by the Emperor. It bothered him to the point that he stopped walking so the warrior could catch up to him.

It didn't take long for a manikin to notice that he'd stopped moving. Firion drew an arrow into his trusty bow and shot it off at it. The manikin dodged so easily that even the weapons master himself was impressed.

"Don't try aerial attacks on that thing," a female voice said on the other side of the field. "If it's supposed to fight like me, then arrows won't hit it." Firion looked over in that direction to see a young woman standing there. Her dress was embrodiered with roses in full bloom. She certainly didn't seem like she belonged on a battlefield. "What kind of creature is this that it takes on my form and fighting style?"

Firion coughed before saying, "They are manikins. We don't know exactly what they are, other than they can copy us... and our enemies." He then stopped himself. What if she was a Warrior of Chaos? Sure, the girl that they found before was a gentle looking one, but this one seemed harder around the edges in comparison. "Who are you?"

"My name is Aria. I'm a dancer."

"That would explain your flamboyant clothing."

"...you call me flamboyant?" Aria asked, looking Firion over. "I'd say that scarf with the beads makes you look flamboyant." She flicked her bangs back. "Either way, I'm lost. All I can find is a gate with a red seal on it and a... I'm having a hard time believing this, but I believe it's a moogle."

The manikin who took Aria's form spun around and around, creating a little tornado around itself.

"Hell," Aria muttered, running in the manikin's direction. "If you're going to pretend to fight like me, you should be a bit smarter about it!" She did cartwheels about the enemy, throwing her silks around her body as if they were cloth propellers. It didn't take long before the manikin was defeated.

By then, the Warrior of Light had caught up to Firion. "Forgive my pace, friend," the warrior said. "You didn't have to wait up for me."

"No, no, it wasn't you," Firion said. "I happened to meet yet another new ally."

Aria landed on her feet, right next to the two men. "Well, well," she said. "That wasn't very hard. You'd think I'd know the weaknesses of my own fighting style."

"My," the warrior said, bowing his head a little. "I am impressed."

Firion smiled widely. He'd never met a woman who carried herself like this. "Aria told me that she's a dancer. Do you remember anything else about your homeworld?"

"...not much," Aria answered. She looked to the Warrior of Light, noticing that he was carrying a girl. "...wait. Wait a minute! Is that Ry... Ryoko?"

"Is that her name?" the warrior asked curiously. "I found her about to be taken by a Warrior of Chaos."

"That Dragon Staff could only be hers..." Aria seemed so surprised to see her that it threw the men a bit off guard. "And here I thought I'd be alone in this. You guys are so kind to carry her like that, but you really should wake her up. She's a competent fighter, and you really could use her help. Ryoko just sleeps so deeply that not much will wake her. Even falling into a different world!" She then whacked the girl on the head with one of her rolls of silk. "Okay, lazy bum! Wake up!"

Ryoko grunted, "This is the most comfortable place I've slept in weeks. Leave me alone, Aria. Tell Ramza he can do his own jobs for the pubmaster. I'm not budging."

"Hate to tell you this, but we're not at the Igros Inn at the moment," Aria replied. "Wake the hell up before I whack you again."

Ryoko opened her eyes finally. "All right, I-" In that moment, her eyes locked directly onto the Warrior of Light's. It took her a few minutes to realize that this knight was carrying her for some reason. "...oh dear. I've gotten myself lost again, haven't I?"

"Yeah," Aria laughed. "Right inside that knight's eyes."

"I'm not a knight yet," the Warrior of Light replied gently. "I haven't reached the promotion point yet."

"You seem knightly enough for my friend," Aria giggled.

"I'm honored for anyone to consider someone like me anything near 'knightly'."

The fact that the warrior seemed oblivious to Aria almost flat out telling him that Ryoko was all ready developing a crush on him annoyed her to no end. She was always frustrated when men didn't seem to take a hint.

Ryoko practically forced herself out of the warrior's arms, blushing so hard that she could feel it. "My name's Ryoko. I'm a summoner. I... I was born in Gariland Magic City and I..." she felt sparks inside her head. "There's more than that but... but... why can't I remember?"

"None of us can remember everything," Firion said. "If you fight, the memories will come back to you. That's what the others have said before. By the way, I have a question for you, Ryoko."

"Sure," she said, trying not to seem more awkward than she felt. She didn't just want to stare at the Warrior of Light, but she was having a hard time not just starting at him. He was drop dead handsome. "Ask away."

"What is that you're holding?"

Ryoko gripped it tightly. "The Aquarius stone!"

"You mean that you managed to swipe it?" Aira asked.

"...no, someone gave it to me and told me to toss it into the sea. That it's dangerous. A catalyst of darkness! Don't remember who it was anymore, though." Ryoko said. "It's my job as someone protected by the spirit of Aquarius to destroy it."

Firion frowned. "So it's not a crystal."

"Oh, it is. An evil one."

"An evil crystal?" The Warrior of Light seemed appalled by this idea. "Then why haven't you destroyed it, Ryoko?"

Ryoko held it out, letting its quiet glow shine out to where the others could see it. "I don't think I can yet. It's made of some kind of magical material that my magic cannot pierce. I wanted to carry it with me, so when the time is right, I will be rid of it. It glows when I touch it."

"That's why the Emperor wanted you." Firion declared. "He wants that."

"But he can't use it. He tried." Ryoko looked down at the ground. "It would not respond to him. He tried to make me go with him, to see his Master, Chaos. I fought back and lost." She put the stone into one of the pockets inside her large cloak. "You can't let anyone else know I have it. I don't want that man chasing after me again."

"No, next time, you smash is brains in with that magic of yours," Aria said. "Don't worry. Things might be tough, but as a team, we're tougher."

"A very admirable view," the Warrior of Light said with a smile. "And don't worry, Lady Ryoko. Should you need help in battle, all you must do is call for me. I will assist you."

Ryoko tried to hide her blush, but something pulled her out of that mindset for a split second. Swords clashing in the distance. She could hear it. "There is a battle happening nearby," she said quickly. "Let me do you all a favor." She lifted up her staff and chanted for a few seconds. "The unmovable wall, Golem!" Each of her companions was covered by a faint brown light for a few seconds, and then it faded.

"I feel a tad bit stronger," Firion said, amazed.

"That's what Ryoko does. Her spells come in the form of her espers," Aria explained it cleanly. "Guardian spirits."

Together, as a party, they crossed the land, fighting off the manikins that attacked. The fighting was inside a nearby gate. Now everyone could hear it.

~ Part Three: The Garden

"That does it!" the Onion Knight screamed out angrily. "I've had enough of your attitude, Jecht!" He slashed as fast and as wildly as he could, but no hits landed on the half-naked blitzball player. "How could you even THINK that-"

"The lady has herself a crystal, kid," Jecht sneered at him. "It's not right that she holds a crystal when she just got here to this world. She didn't go looking for it. Cosmos is hiding something, squirt! I'll beat it out of you!"

Below their mid-air battle stood a young lady holding a sword out. "Onion!" she shouted, "Let me help you!" She wore armor and had a long flowing white cape behind her. "That bully can't keep treating you like that because of me."

"No," the Onion Knight said, insistant. "You can't fight Jecht! He'll hurt you."

"At this rate, he'll hurt YOU!" she cried, leaping up into the battle anyway. The lady waited until Jecht was distracted and slashed him from behind with her blade.

Then, as he tumbled down to the ground, she chased after, making sure he stayed down. "...battle here is so much different than... than back home..." she said, trying to catch her breath once she landed. "I don't know why he thinks I have a crystal. I've never heard of anything like that before."

"Lynn," the Onion Knight said when he landed next to her, "You shouldn't have... I could have taken him on my own."

Lynn shook her head. "You're crazy. You weren't landing a single hit on him."

Jecht stood right back up. "Missy, you hit hard. The Emperor said there was another, just like you, who'd never been here before, carrying around a crystal." He shook his head. "This isn't right. Cosmos is a cheater in this game!"

"I don't even know who or what Cosmos IS!" Lynn snapped at him.

"You're a liar, too," Jecht started to act as if he was going to get in her face, but the Onion Knight pushed him out of the way. "Hey, kid, stay out of this."

"No. I will take her to Cosmos, and you're not going to stop me, Jecht!"

"Onion!" Firion's voice called out from behind them. "Don't worry, Onion, we've got your back!" He shot an arrow from his bow, but Jecht blocked it with his huge sword. "...I am really lacking in practice, aren't I?"

"That's fine! Take her to Cosmos, if you can!" Jecht laughed at them, fading away with a puff of dark smoke. "But when you don't manage to get there, don't be upset. Chaos wants that crystal and I'm sure he'll do anything to get his hands on it."

Firion approached Onion and Lynn with open arms. "Onion, you've found a... another lady?"

Aria was not two steps behind Firion. "Lynn!" she said, giving Lynn a huge hug. "What are we all doing here?"

"What do you mean 'all'?" Lynn asked until Warrior of Light and Ryoko had come into view. "...Ryoko, you're here, too?"

"I am," Ryoko replied. "This is beyond crazy. What are all three of us doing here?"

"Cosmos must have summoned you to fight with us. There is no other explanation," Onion Knight answered. "You're being chased by the Warriors of Chaos, so you're obviously here to help us in our fight. Oh, hi there, Warrior of Light! Still don't remember your name?"

"I remember little more than you do," the Warrior of Light replied. "Well-met, young warrior."

"Haha... well... this is awkward," Ryoko said, starting to continue to the east. "The three of us, brought to this... this world... by someone, without even asking us if we want to be a part of it, at that."

"Ivalice must be going crazy without us!" Lynn said. "We're such a big part of Ramza's group, you know! Ramza won't forget us, no matter how long we're gone."

"No," Ryoko whispered. "I can't agree with you, Lynn. I don't even remember this... Ramza." She looked onward. "The skies are so dark. It's hard to believe you can even see the sun or the stars from here."

"You can't, ever," the Warrior of Light said. "You can't ever see anything but these storm clouds because Cosmos is having a hard time holding it all together. If we could just find the Crystals, we can save both the Goddess and this world with their light!"

"...Lightbringer," Ryoko said, "I will call you that until you find your true name. Sir Lightbringer." Her sarcastic tone almost struck a nerve with Cosmos' most loyal knight. "It's all you ever think about, isn't it?" He might have been handsome, but he sure was single-minded. "'The light' this, 'the light' that."

"...what else is there for those who fight for Cosmos?" the warrior asked.

"I have plenty more on my mind than just finding these... crystals," Ryoko answered. "What way to the Goddess? I need to talk to her about something."

"She should be at the Sanctuary," Firion said. "It's over to the east on the edge of the continent."

"Then let's go. The sooner I finish what needs to be done here, the sooner I can get back to what I was supposed to be doing!" Ryoko shouted, heading stubbornly in that direction.

"...what ARE you supposed to be doing?" The Onion Knight inquired.

"If only I could remember!"

Lynn half-giggled, and Aria just shrugged at the whole thing.

"I've made her angry," the warrior of light whispered as if he had no idea what he'd done.

"Oh no," Aria said with a big grin. "She likes you. She's only acting mad because she doesn't know how to handle it. I've never seen her fall so hard, so fast before."

"Love at first sight isn't exactly something she believes in," Lynn muttered. "Oh, Sir Lightbringer, what shall we do with her?"

"What do you mean 'we'?" the warrior of light asked.

Both girls put their hands on his shoulders and looked up to him as he looked at them, incredibly confused.

~ OMAKE:

Ryoko: "And that's a wrap."  
Lynn: "It can't be over. There's so many questions left!"  
Aria: "And you have a romance with the Warrior of Light to bring about!"  
Ryoko: "..."  
Aria: "You like him, don't lie."  
Lynn: "It's written all over your face."  
Ryoko: "There is no writing on my face!"  
Lynn: "...oh?"  
Ryoko: "WHAT."  
Aria: "Look there." *gets out magnifying glass* "Yep. It says 'so helplessly in love with the Warrior of Light' right here on your nose. In Freckle."  
Lynn: *looks* "Totally does."  
Ryoko: "...FRECKLE IS NOT A REAL LANGUAGE."  
Aria: "Is so! It's like Braille. Except with Freckles."  
Ryoko: "You can't read Braille."  
Lynn: "I think she opened the job 'Blind Person' and spend the job points she earned today on 'Read: Braille' for her support skill."  
Ryoko: "...that's not a job in Ivalice. How do you unlock that kind of job?"  
Aria: "Get stabbed in the eye by enough theives with blind knives and let's see if you can keep your sight."  
Ryoko: "You're not blind though."  
Lynn: "Obviously a white mage used Esuna on her to cure the blindness from the knife."  
Aria: "Yep. 25 gil donation to the church."  
Ryoko: "That's DRAGON QUEST not FINAL FANTASY."  
Aria: "I ate a bowl of Cream Stew?"  
Ryoko: "THAT'S TALES OF. NOT FINAL FANTASY!"  
Lynn: "Okay, so we're full of crap. Obviously."  
Aria: "We're totally trolling you. Haha. But seriously, your crush on Warrior of Light cannot be avoided. Play your sweet and innocent card right, and he'll be wrapped around your finger."  
Ryoko: "...why couldn't YOU have fallen in love at first sight?"  
Lynn: "You make for a better plot."  
Aria: "Yeah, because you're so easy to tease."  
-directly outside-  
Warrior of Light: "So... she does like me?"  
Firion: "It's pretty obvious, bro."  
Onion Knight: "Check it, I'm gonna start my own record label! I'm the Onion Knight, I'm prepared to fight, bitches love me 'cause I'm so-so white! WORD!"  
Warrior of Light: O_O Firion: O_O Onion Knight: "Freestyle time! don't you ever call me that white, or you'll say night-night, and be living in eternal fright, whicka-whack like CRACK, NIGGA!"  
*loooooong awkward pause*  
Warrior of Light: "I don't believe a girl's ever... liked me before."  
Firion: "Dude. Go in there and kiss her. I swear by the end of the night, she will be riding you like a rodeo pony."  
Warrior of Light: "...what? Why in Cosmos' name would I want a girl to ride me?"  
*thought bubble appears and it has Ryoko saddled on WoL's back*  
Firion: "You cannot be this dumb."  
Onion Knight: "I'll go steal Ryoko's clothes! then you can keep her warm!"  
Firion: "You should not be talking about this, Onion, you are too young..."  
Warrior of Light: "Keep her warm? Wouldn't she just use a blanket?"  
Firion: "..."  
Onion Knight: "..."  
Warrior of Light: "...what?"  
Firion: "...seriously?"  
Onion Knight: "I'm going back to rappin'!"  
Warrior of Light: "No! Don't rap! I'll figure out a way to talk to Ryoko soon enough, just... don't rap anymore."  
Firion: *gives Onion Knight a high-five behind his back* Onion Knight: "Okay!" 


	2. The Omake Override

Fanfiction: "Omake!"  
Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy Warnings: OC pairings, OOC, sexual references, and cursing.  
Genre: Humor / Parody / Romance

Disclaimer: The stuff in this fanfiction belongs to... Square Enix, Disney, Hasbro, Nintendo, Capcom, whoever invented cheesecake, whoever owns the rights to sentient storm clouds, and my friends.

Notes: this is written entirely in horrible script format for a reason. Because CHOCOLATE FUCKING CHEESECAKE, your argument is invalid, FUCK YOU.

...fic start!

Dissidia Narrator: Once upon a time, there was this game that only lasted for two installments called "Final Fantasy Dissidia". It was a fun game, but the story was kinda lame for the most part. After Chaos was finally defeated, it appeared as if the heroes were returning to their worlds with their crystals. Everything looked happy.

*loud record scratch sound*

Dissidia Narrator: But after the credits rolled, the heroes met again accidentally. They could not go home to their worlds because their worlds were destroyed in their absense. Reluctantly, and saddened by this turn of events, the former Warriors of Cosmos found the only place that they could travel to. Ivalice.

*the screen shows a map of Ivalice from FFTactics but one corner is missing and parts of it are stained by what looks to be grape jelly*

Dissidia Narrator: Trying to find normal lives in Ivalice, the former Warriors of Cosmos began their lives anew. The Warrior of Light joined his Famicom brothers Firion and the young Onion Knight in getting a shared residence in Igros.

*the map is blown away by the wind to reveal a shoebox in the dead center of Igros' crime-infested, drug-ridden darkest alleyway*

Dissidia Narrator: It is from here that these once brave heroes put behind them what was once a never ending war against evil to fight off starvation, boredom, and insomnia.

Ivalice Calendar 251X. Technology is where it is today. Because CHEESECAKE, your argument is invalid, FUCK YOU.

*cheesy soft theme music plays*

Warrior of Light: * walks into crappy apartment and turns on TV*

TV Commercial: "OH MY GOD!"

Warrior of Light: "...?"

TV Commercial: *shows a plain old rocking chair* "Oh my sweet tit-licking son of Mary and Joseph. Back the fun bus back up! That is a CUNT'S rocking chair! Shit, man, I really dont know what to say."

Warrior of Light: "What? Don't say that! Cosmos sat on a wooden rocking chair!"

TV Commercial: "Don't get it, douche face? Let me spell it out for you: you can rock forward. You can rock the fuck backward, because no one's gonna judge you. OLD PEOPLE sit in these things, and those fuckers are WISE as SHIT." *shows a new age chair instead* "Look at this new age motherfucker over here. LOOK at that SMUG-ASS motherfucker. Don't you look at that shit and think 'I wanna smear my ass on that slut'? Motherfucker, PLEASE, you want to RAPE that bitch with your ASSCHEEKS. Christ allmighty, you could sit in this bitch and not give a single fuck all damn DAY!" *chair explodes* "...Got Milk?"

Warrior of Light: "I miss the days when we were locked in the eternal struggle of Chaos and Cosmos. I had a purpose in being alive. I lived for battle. I didn't ever need to eat, or sleep, or find something to do all day."

Firion: "Hey bro." *walks in* "You look down. What's up?"

Warrior of Light: "Just thinking."

Firion: "You miss your home world, too."

Warrior of Light: "I... never even knew my real name."

Onion Knight: "Bitch please I just tell all the hos to call me Onion."

Firion: "...you're still wanting to make that label, aren't you?"

Warrior of Light: "I hope you're not serious."

Onion Knight: "Nah, I just started a pimp ring."

Firion: "WHY?"

Onion Knight: "Because I wanted to make money for us to eat, but I wanted to be a lazy ass prick about it."

*awkward silence*

Firion: *shrugs* "I can't argue with that logic."

Warrior of Light: "I suppose I could apply for the castle, but serving some lord perpetually wanting to fight for land... it just... it doesn't work for me."

Firion: "Light, you were just saying you missed fighting."

Warrior of Light: "I didn't say that."

Firion: "Funny, I swear I heard you say it."

Onion Knight: "Yeah dude, you were totally just saying that."

Firion: "...Why don't you go find Terra and chase her skirt or something, Onion?"

Onion Knight: "Because every time I ever tried just grasping that perfectly formed ass of hers, she fainted!"

Warrior of Light: "Life is empty now..." *looks out the window* "Hey! It's Ryoko."

Firion: "You mean that one who had a crush on you since she woke up in your arms, right?"

Warrior of Light: "I wonder what she's doing?"

Onion Knight: "Probably going to feed the homeless or something else incredibly goody-two-shoes."

Firion: *annoyed* "What the hell made you so jaded, Onion?"

Onion Knight: *starts going into an emotional breakdown all of a sudden* "I dunno, the fact that my entire planet decided not to exist because Cosmos wanted me to fight her stupid war for her, and I'll never get home or ever learn who my real parents are or see if I have siblings or a true love waiting for me! I'll never know because Cosmos was a real bitch!"

*silence. crickets start chirping*

Warrior of Light: "No, she's... meeting up with her friends. Friendship is important!"

Firion: "I think she still likes you."

Onion Knight: *is still sobbing*

Firion: "Deep down, he's still a teenager."

Warrior of Light: "Hey, we're family now. You've got us, right?"

Onion Knight: "I want a mommy and a daddy!"

Firion: "Well, the oldest here is... Light. Light, you're automatically the dad."

Warrior of Light: *blink, blink* "Do WHAT."

Firion: "Once we get you married, then we'll have a stable family for the Onion Knight! I'll be that older brother that gives great advice and never follows it!"

Warrior of Light: *mutters* "You could be the douche uncle, too..."

Firion: "Or I could be the second daddy."

Onion Knight: O_O

Warrior of Light: "...um."

Firion: "With as much tail as you've had, it's easy to assume you're into that sort of thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that, Light. I understand, you're scared of being rejected. But you know, we love you anyway."

Warrior of Light: "...I don't normally talk like this, but... dude, fuck you."

Firion: "I'm sure there are women who will since I actually talk to them."

Onion Knight: "You can't steal my bitches, Firion!"

Firion: "No, Onion, I don't like skanks. I like women who are fiesty. The girls who fight back and say exactly what's on their mind, but have taste."

Onion Knight: "I don't like skanks either. I don't date employees."

Firion: "You actually call them 'employees'. That's low, bro. Oh wait, hey, Light, if you're the dad, that means you have to like... feed us and shit."

Warrior of Light: "And what about you" *incredibly mocking tone* "older son?"

Firion: "I'm the good-for-nothing layabout who's planning on living off his single dad for the rest of his life." *has a big, shit eating grin on his face*

Warrior of Light: "..."

Onion Knight: "My big brother is awesome! I wanna be just like him! ...But with bitches!"

Firion: "Onion, you have to settle down with a girl your age..."

Onion Knight: "I'm hungry. I'm gonna pester my bitches to see if they have any money." *walks out frustrated*

Warrior of Light: "He's lying."

Firion: "Well, duh."

Warrior of Light: "..."

Firion: "..."

Warrior of Light: *pulls out a the script* "The Scene was supposed to change... what happened?"

Firion: "I don't know..." *yanks script from his hand* "Oh goddamn it, this is the OLD version of the script. Light, you don't pay enough attention!"

Warrior of Light: "I miss the days when all we did was fight. We didn't even have to eat or use the bathroom. We just fought. Cosmos kept us fed with her light."

Firion: "You mean you wanted to eat her 'light', right? Hey, I won't judge... she was pretty hot. I guess this means you do like women."

Warrior of Light: "That's IT, Firion, you ARE the douche uncle! You're no son of mine!"

Firion: "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-meanwhile, just across the street, at a local eatery-

Ryoko: "And then I said, 'oh that's not a controller, that's a vibrator!'"

Lynn: *spits her drink out her nose and falls over laughing so hard she can't get back up*

Aria: "How the hell do you get in these situations?"

Ryoko: "An awkward situation cloud just follows me around and rains on me whenever it feels like." *points upward to show there's a cloud in the sky that doesn't quite look right*

Awkward Cloud: "Ah shit, she sees me." *tries to hide, but is clearly not hidden*

Ryoko: "I think it has a crush on me or something."

Lynn: ROFLMAO

Aria: "That's... pretty fucking weird."

Ryoko: "Anyway, so you guys wanted to get together to hang out today, right?"

Lynn: *finally gets up and wipes off her face* "Yeah we wanted to drag you against your will to a club."

Ryoko: "...aren't you a bit young to go to a club, Lynn?"

Lynn: "Well , no. It's a karaoke club."

Aria: "Because, y'know, we're fucking bored and there's nothing to do in Igros."

Ryoko: "What the hell... the plot won't move along until I agree, so sure."

Aria: "Victoly! A winner is us!"

Lynn: "Let's get a burger!"

Aria: "It was a dream!"

Lynn: "You saved Hyrule and are a real hero!"

Aria: "So stare at your brother's head in the sky!"

Lynn: "I... don't have a brother."

Aria: "...I thought we were just throwing out random video game endings because we could."

Lynn: "Ohhhhhhhhhhh."

Ryoko: "Well if we're going, let's scoot."

*they pass a handsome bald guy with a notepad and pencil*

Handsome Bald Guy: "You know... those would make great lyrics... a song about video game ENDINGS. How did I not think of that?" *looks directly at the camera* "Reporting from Ivalice! I'M BALD!" *explodes*

Ryoko: *walking in the direction of that karaoke bar* "...there's been a lot of explosions lately."

Aria: *walking on Ryoko's right side*" Well you know what they say about Igros."

Lynn: *walking on Ryoko's left side* "What?"

Aria: "...what?"

Lynn: "What do they say about Igros? I'm from Zeltienna. I don't know Igros that well."

Aria: "I'm from Limberry. I don't know either."

Ryoko: "Then why did you say that?"

Aria: "Say what?"

Ryoko: "What do they say about Igros?"

Aria: "What DO they say, Ryoko?"

Ryoko: "I'm asking you."

Lynn: "...Igros is boring. I bet that's what they say."

Ryoko: "What does that have to do with the recent explosions?"

Aria: "I dunno. That it makes it more exciting?"

*loooong pause while they're walking*

Lynn: "When we go back home, let's go play some PSP together."

Aria: "That's the best thing you've said all day, Lynn."

Ryoko: "Totally. Best thing you've said, like ever."

Lynn: "I thought I said more meaningful things than that."

Ryoko: "You have. I just didn't count those."

Lynn: "...you're kinda mean sometimes."

Ryoko: "Yeah, and you two troll me all the time about getting laid."

Aria: "I wonder what happened to those guys from that whole Dissidia war thing."

Lynn: "Onion has started his own business here in town, so I'm sure the others are here, too."

Ryoko: *eyes light up* "Oh, really?" *blushes*

Aria: "That must mean that Sir Lightbringer must be around..."

Lynn: "Heh heh."

Ryoko: *looks away instantly* "Who... who cares about him?"

Aria: "You."

Ryoko: "...shut up. You don't know what you're talking about."

Lynn: "Stop being so tsundere! Just because Onion Knight is in Igros doesn't mean the others are. They could be anywhere. Maybe this is just Onion Knight's home world. I mean... I'm training to be an Onion Knight! He was so brave that I... I was really inspired by him during that war."

Aria: "And that flamboyant Firion... he totally set off my gaydar. Not like I wouldn't try to fix that if I had the chance." *evil, perverted grin*

Ryoko: "...to be honest..."

Lynn: "What?"

Ryoko: "...I think you're both getting worked up over nothing."

Lynn: "whatever, we've all ready figured out that you're in love in the Warrior of Light."

Aria: "Yeah we established that last episode."

Ryoko: "All we established is that he's handsome, his voice is sexy, and his arms are comfy to sleep in."

Aria: "..."

Lynn: "..."

Ryoko: "Oh fine... I'll just come out and say it. I could snuggle up to that all night."

Aria & Lynn: "YESSSSS!" *they high-five* "Now all we gotta do is find him!"

Ryoko: "Why would you want to do that?"

Aria: "Because... I dunno, the stupid silly plot demands that you and your snuggly Sir Lightbringer get together."

Ryoko: "I was afraid of that."

Lynn: "What do you mean? You just admitted to..."

Ryoko: *sighs* "I am not the least bit romantic. And I never have been. The whole thing feels strange. Shouldn't love just happen on its own?"

Aria: "So if we kidnap Sir Lightbringer and lock him in the same room as you, it'll happen? No imput from us at all."

Ryoko: "...dear God, what is your malfunction?"

Lynn: "It's not us. We swear it's the script."

Aria: "No, really." *pulls out script and hands it over*

Ryoko: *snatches it and reads it* "...oh fuck me."

Aria: "Oh he WILL. Or I'll bust his balls for playing with your heart like this."

Lynn: ROFLMAO

Ryoko: "When I am the voice of reason, there is something wrong with the world..."

Lynn: *laughs even harder*

Aria: "Them's the breaks. You knew what you were getting into when you started this gig."

Ryoko: "I am being forced into a romance! But if he's just acting out the script, he won't be in love with me anyway. It's just gonna be for show."

Lynn: "Yeah. What do you think we're starring in here? A fanfic with three OC characters who are best friends, paired up with our favorite guys from a game we all like living together... It's a fandom sitcom thingy. Forced romance is a PART OF IT."

Ryoko: "Holy shit... you're right."

Lynn: "I told shmoo."

Aria: "Just enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts, I say. It was a serious gig, but the three of us have destroyed the potential for seriousness."

Ryoko: "...I need a mega-potion."

*right behind them is Onion Knight eavesdropping*

Onion Knight: "...I'm not sure what I just heard... but from what I did understand, that Ryoko chick likes Light! That's it! Time to get my douchey big brother-like uncle Firion and get Ryoko to fall in Light's arms! Whoo hoo!~"

*Ryoko stops walking for a minute*

Aria: "...what's wrong?"

Ryoko: "I thought I heard someone say 'whoo hoo' really loudly. Like they were actually excited about something in this town."

Lynn: "I think you heard the guy who's fighting a chocobo wielding a sword with a frying pan over there."

Aria: O_O

Lynn: "No, seriously, look."

*they look across the street, and there's a white chocobo weilding a sword in its beak fighting a man who is weilding a frying pan. The man looks like he's about to lose.*

Aria: "...Igros sure has changed."

Ryoko: "No kidding."

Lynn: "Ah well, let's keep going. It's not that far from here."

Ryoko: "Eeeyup."

Aria: "Let's stop by the Brony shop on the way."

Lynn: "There's a Brony shop in Igros now?"

Ryoko: "I've heard they're always sold out of everything. You have to pre-order everything like two months in advance. And don't even ask about getting Derpy."

Aria: "I want a LUNA!"

Ryoko: "Sorry they don't make Luna yet."

Lynn: "It must cost a fortune to import those from the other world."

Aria: "They import things from Equestria?"

Lynn: "I assume that's how they get them."

Aria: "WE ARE GETTING ON THAT IMPORT MACHINE. WE ARE STOWING AWAY."

Ryoko: "But I thought the plot said we had to go to the Karaoke club...?"

Aria: "SCREW THE PLOT. I WANNA GO TO EQUESTRIA."

Lynn: "...I don't care where we're going, really. I'm kinda just along for the ride."

Ryoko: "As fun as it would be going to Equestria, how can we not be sure if those things aren't just made in Lionel or something? Come on, the Cardinal is always trying out new schemes to make money."

Aria: "...hmm... maybe you're right. Let's look into it for a possible later episode failure. We'll get booted if we don't move the story along."

Ryoko: "By who?"

Lynn: *stares blankly into space*

Aria: "...let's just go to the damn club all ready before I decide to throw away the script."

-and back at the Famicom crappy apartment-

Warrior of Light: *is watching TV* "There's nothing on!"

TV Commercial: "Are you broke?"

Warrior of Light: "yep."

TV Commercial: "Are you hungry?"

Warrior of Light: *looks at belly and it rumbles* "yep."

TV Commercial: "Are you homeless?"

Warrior of Light: "This apartment isn't really a home, so... yep."

TV Commercial: "Then you need a fucking job! Get a fucking job, you LAZY BUM! ...paid for by the Republican Committee of Douchebaggery in Igros."

Warrior of Light: "...what the hell was that?"

Onion Knight: *busts into the room* "Light! You have to come with me! You and Firion just have to come with me! The plot demands it!"

Firion: *is playing the DS remake of FFIII on the couch* "Why's that?"

Onion Knight: "...dude, are you playing my game?"

Firion: "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe."

Onion Knight: "How far are you?"

Firion: "Dunno there's this stupid boss where I gotta make all the guys Dragoons or some shit. So I gotta level them up as Dragoons."

Onion Knight: "I fucking hate Garuda."

Firion: "Dude, he's nothing like the bosses from my game. You ever get to the Iron Giant? Holy fuck he's hard."

Warrior of Light: "Ya'll shut up because WARMECH was a true challenge. Your games are weak in comparison to mine! Mine was FIRST. You try surviving that Nuke attack!"

Onion Knight: "Shut up, old fogey."

Warrior of Light: "...don't call your father a fogey. That's just mean."

Firion: "He's right, bro."

Onion Knight: "I thought you were my douchey uncle?"

Firion: "It'd be fucked up if I was both, huh?"

Warrior of Light: "...I'd never... not my own mother..."

Firion: "I guess you never read the reports."

Onion Knight: ROFLMAO!

Warrior of Light: "...whatever, Onion, what was it that you needed to talk to us about? We need to go somewhere?"

Onion Knight: *gets back up and dusts himself off* "Shit, we need to sweep this place. Anyway! Yes! You need to come with me, I'll explain everything on the way. Seriously! Firion, PLEASE. As my new brother, you have to understand!"

Firion: "Fine, fine. You need some sibling talk?"

Onion Knight: "YES."

*Onion and Firion go into Onion's bedroom room, leaving Warrior of Light to go back to watching TV*

Warrior of Light: *belches extremely loudly for no apparent reason*

-In Onion's room-

Firion: "Okay, what's up?"

Onion Knight: "Those girls we found back during the Dissidia war that had those dark crystals from this world? They're here! And the summoner actually does like Light! She admitted it to her friends! They're going to some karaoke place down the street from here. We have to go!"

Firion: "Oh ho. What an interesting turn of events."

Onion Knight: "No it's not, it's in the script."

Firion: "...whatever. We'll drag our 'dead-beat dad' down there. And when we do, we get with those other two girls and make this romance happen!"

Onion Knight: "I knew you'd see it my way."

Dissidia Narrator: And so, while Onion and Firion plotted to get Warrior of Light to get laid, the girls were getting ready to go into the karaoke club... what will happen next on "OMAKE! THE FANFIC"?

Ryoko's voice: "My best friends are so embarassing sometimes. In our next episode, I will cross paths with that handsome knight while belting out some karaoke. It's a silly time you just don't want to miss, next time on OMAKE! THE FANFIC!" 


	3. Karaoke Party

Fanfic: "Omake!" part 2 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Romance / Parody / Humor Warnings: OC pairings, OOC, sexual references, and cursing

Disclaimer: The stuff in this fanfic belongs to... Square Enix, Hasbro, Fox, CLAMP, Shonen Jump, Nintendo

...fic start!

Dissidia Narrator: "Once, there was a war that never stopped getting reset. But that is over now. The characters from the Dissidia War now live in Ivalice because all the other worlds in Final Fantasy were destroyed. This is a continuation of the tale of the Famicom family, and their tightly knit destiny with the Three Women of Ivalice."

*screen starts showing clips from last episode*

Onion Knight: "Last epside of Omake, we elected the Warrior of Light to be our dad and take care of us, but he seemed really down. We decided to cheer him up by taking him out to meet a girl who know who likes him, whether he likes it or not!"

*cheesy theme music plays with soft Japanese lyrics play*

Ryoko: *kicks open the karaoke club door, knocks it off of one hinge so it's kinda floppy and looks like it's gonna break the other hinge any second* Lynn: "Who thought a summoner could kick like that?"  
Ryoko: "My sub-class is samurai. I had to spend several levels as a monk."  
Aria: "I know that feel, sis."

*the Karaoke club is empty save for one waiter, Squall Leonheart, who is cosplaying as Nyan Cat. yes, you read that right.*

Squall: "Hiya, ladies! Here to have some singing fun?" * he makes scary ass smile that creeps the girls out*  
Aria: "Not really, we're here to get Ryoko- hey wait a minute. You were in the Dissidia war, weren't you?"  
Squall: "I was."  
Lynn: "I'm so sorry you can't go home."  
Squall: "Sorry? Are you kidding? I'm FREE of that bratty princess Rinoa and that whiny cry-baby Zell AND that Seifer, who I'm sure had a crush on me. I am a FREE MAN. Cosmos did me a favor."  
Aria: "You didn't like your life back home?"  
Squall: "My parents abandoned me, my best friend tried to molest me on several occassions, my love live was dominated by a girl with a fifth grade reading level who fought with some kind of mechanical boomerang that made absolutely no fucking sense, and then when I did meet my father..."

*Laguna Loire walks in, carrying a video camera*

Laguna: "This is a nice place. Got a weird rainbow theme to it, but I guess I can find my Julia here." *turns the camera to Squall* "Squally! What are you doing here?"  
Squall: "...speak of the devil... how many times have I told you not to call me 'Squally'? ...and I work here, you ass."  
Laguna: "This... is SO going in the scrapbook!" *makes an anime ^_^ face*  
Squall: *breaks out his gunblade and slices the camera directly down the center, then puts it away. The halves fall onto the floor, then shatter like they've been frozen with ice*  
Laguna: "Well you're just a big meanie!" *goes to sit down at a table*  
Squall: "You see what I mean? This guy is from my home world. They're all LIKE HIM."  
Ryoko: "I suppose it would be like if I was one of the only survivors of my world, and the person I survived with was Lynn."  
Lynn: "HEY!"  
Ryoko: "What?"  
Aria: "That's not bad. Laguna is a great person."  
Lynn: "...stop trying to cheer me up."

*suddenly a moogle runs by her feet carrying trays of empty glasses*

Lynn: "HEY A MOOGLE!"  
Moogle: "Sorry hon, kupo. Really busy, kupo."  
Lynn: *makes a determined face* "that's it. I'm adopting a moogle."  
Aria: "Moogles aren't pets. They work and take care of themselves!"  
Lynn: "They'd be doing more work than WE'RE doing."

*awkward silence*

Aria: "Well it IS work getting Ryoko to get with Sir Lightbringer."  
Squall: "Have a seat, ladies. The karaoke starts in half an hour!"  
Lynn: "You don't charge...?"  
Squall: "Oh, entrance is free, but everyone who comes in has to sing. Considering that entertainment value alone, I don't have to charge. Everyone buys snacks and drinks so they can sit around and watch people make a fool of themselves."  
Lynn: "It's like Ivalice Idol."  
Ryoko: "Just a hell of a lot less pretentious."  
Aria: "At least you admit you're in it for a profit."

*they find a table and sit down*

Lynn: "Wait, we all have to sing?"  
Aria: "Shut up. It's a small price to pay to get the plot done with, so we can go to Equestria as soon as possible."  
Ryoko: "You're still hung up on that."  
Aria: "YES."  
Lynn: "I bet we'd all be cute as ponies."  
Ryoko: "..."  
Aria: "..."  
Lynn: "I would be Super Shmoo!"  
Ryoko: "...You're insane."  
Aria: "She's only 16, give the girl a break."  
Lynn: "...HEY. AGAIN."  
Ryoko: "Don't you have, like, parents or something?"  
Lynn: "I did, but I was sold to the Warrior's Guild of Zeltienna when I was young, where Ramza paid 1400 gold to have me enroll in his army. Now that Ramza is gone and the Lion War is over, I'm tagging along with you two because I don't have anywhere else to go."  
Aria: "That's pretty hard."  
Lynn: "You two... didn't know that?"  
Ryoko: "Nope."  
Lynn: "This story is too Ryoko-centric."  
Aria: "Eh. You just had a backstory explained. How is that Ryoko-centric?"  
Ryoko: "Guys, shut up. You're delaying the plot advancement."  
Lynn & Aria: "Whoops."

~Right outside the Karaoke Club:

Warrior of Light: "What are we doing again?"  
Firion: "We're going to..."  
Onion Knight: "...eat cake."  
Warrior of Light: "I LOVE CAKE."  
Firion: "Cheesecake!"  
Warrior of Light: "Woot!"  
Onion Knight: *stifles back a laugh, as Warrior of Light doesn't know what Cheesecake actually means*  
Firion: "You can eat as much as you want!"  
Warrior of Light: "A cheesecake buffet?" *gets all starry eyed, then immediately stops* "...wait a minute, how much will it cost me?"  
Onion Knight: "Free."  
Firion: "If you do it right."  
Onion Knight: "I don't think she'll actually sell. She's not the type."  
Warrior of Light: "Free cheesecake..." *almost bounces through the karaoke club door and looks around for the buffet* "...wait a minute. I don't see any cake."  
Firion: *walks in* "Come on, they'll bring the cake to you." *looks around and sees the ladies at a table* "Aha! Onion Knight! You were right! They are here! Perfect. Let's close the gap, shall we?" *walks over to the ladies' table and says in the most seductive way possible* "Hi."  
Ryoko: *is reading 1000 Awesome Summons and their uses* "...what? Do you wanna take our order or something?"  
Lynn: "Put your book away, Ryoko."  
Onion Knight: "Sup."  
Warrior of Light: "I believe it's been a while since we've seen each other."  
Ryoko: *instantly blushes and pulls her book closer to her face*  
Lynn: "We were there for cycle 5. How many did it take?"  
Firion: "Thirteen."  
Aria: "Wow..."  
Lynn: "Sit! We were just about to order."  
Ryoko: "I am so feeling cheesecake right now."  
Warrior of Light: "So they DO have it."  
Ryoko: "You... like... cheesecake, too?"  
Warrior of Light: "Of course."  
Ryoko: "I... I've changed my mind, that brownie on the menu looks delicious."  
Firion: *still in seductive voice* "No, no, no, the cheesecake is the best thing about this place. So, ladies, can we sit down?"  
Aria: "Sure. Why not?"  
Lynn: "So you don't work here, then?"  
Onion Knight: *gigglesnort*

*they all sit down together. it's silent for about five minutes*

Firion: "Ryoko, why did you bring that book with you to a karaoke club?"  
Ryoko: "Because reading it here makes more sense than actually being here."  
Onion Knight: "Can we skip to the part where they make out all ready?"  
Aria: "Oh, it doesn't work like that, kiddo. There have to be hijinks. You haven't worked much in the field of fanfic, have you?"  
Onion Knight: "I don't work. Someone always works for me."  
Aria: "You think you're a pimp daddy, don't you?"  
Onion Knight: "I AM."  
Lynn: "So... what have you been doing since the war ended?"  
Warrior of Light: "..."  
Firion: "I'm Firion Famicom. This is my kid brother, Onion. And my dad, who everyone just calls... Light, I guess."  
Lynn: "HE'S YOUR DAD?"  
Firion: "He is now."  
Aria: "He looks like he's only a few years older than you."  
Ryoko: "...and you don't look like his son..."  
Onion Knight: *looks away sadly, like he's gonna break down and cry*  
Firion: "We needed to give Onion here a structured family, since he's so young and all. He lost everything that he ever had when Cosmos called him to fight for her."  
Lynn: "I know how you feel. I'm only 16. I was sold to a Warrior's Guild when I was young. The only family I have is Ryoko and Aria."  
Onion Knight: "...r-really?"  
Lynn: "Yep. I get the feeling we'll be best friends!"  
Firion: *quietly* "Oh, shit! friendzoned."  
Aria: "What was that, Firion? The flamboyant scarf-wearer."  
Firion: "I only wear that scarf into battle. It's special to me... very sentimental. It belonged to my mother. Before she died."  
Ryoko: "Was your mom married to your dad?"  
Warrior of Light: *gives her a weird look*  
Ryoko: *looks at him momentarily, before shaking her head and blushing* "I'm not potentially jealous or anything."  
Warrior of Light: "I've never been married."  
Firion: "You've never had any... cheesecake before, either."  
Onion Knight: *holds back a severe gigglefit*  
Aria: "Firion has mommy issues that make him look gay in the process."  
Ryoko: "Cygnus Hyouga called. He wants his shtick back."  
*everyone but Warrior of Light just stares at her for a few minutes*  
Aria: "You couldn't come up with a more recent reference, Ryoko?"  
Lynn: "Who's Cygnus Hyouga?"  
Ryoko: "He's only my favorite character from one of my favorite anime! Gosh! You guys should go watch some older stuff sometime!"  
*weird, awkward pause*  
Ryoko: "I feel like Fuu in Magic Knight Rayearth right now."  
Lynn: "OMGITOTALLYLOVETHATSHOW."  
Aria: "..."  
Warrior of Light: "You guys came here to eat cheesecake, too? How nice to have your company."  
Firion: "Eh heh heh."  
Onion Knight: "Eh heh heh."  
Ryoko: "Cheesecake is delicious!"  
Aria: "Eh heh heh."  
Lynn: "Eh heh heh."  
Ryoko & Warrior of Light: "...WHAT."  
Ryoko: "Don't say what I say at the same time! It's weird!"  
Warrior of Light: "...forgive me. I didn't mean to-"  
Aria: *pulls out a piece of paper and writes on it, then passes it under the table to Firion*  
Firion: *reads it, then writes on the piece of paper and passes it back*  
Aria: *reads it* "So that's it."  
Firion: "Yes."  
Aria: "Consider it done, then."  
Firion: "...what, really?"  
Aria: "It's only a matter of time."  
Lynn: "What is it?"  
Aria: *hands her the note* "Read that."  
Lynn: *reads* "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."  
Ryoko: "...what?" *puts her book away* "Geez, where is Squall anyway? He said half an hour."  
Firion: "Squall works here? No way."  
Squall: *approaches. and he's still wearing the Nyan Cat cosplay* "Okay so, you guys hungry?"  
Ryoko & Warrior of Light: "CHEESECAKE."  
Squall: "Done. And everyone else?"  
Everyone else: "meh..." *shrugs at the exact same time*  
Squall: "...no one else wants to eat?"  
Everyone else: "naaaaaah."  
Firion: "So you're a waiter now?"  
Squall: "Eeeyup."  
Lynn: "And you're a Brony!"  
Squall: *glares* "...I... saw Jecht watching it once! And... umm..." *pulls his gunblade out* "If you tell anyone, ever, you're all DEAD!"  
Onion Knight: "This is too good to be true. I really should go tell Laguna."  
Squall: "You can't! Laguna would think it's the cutest thing in the whole world!"  
Onion Knight: "I know."  
Squall: "...no, please, you can't tell him! Not Laguna, PLEASE."  
Onion Knight: "Oh... what will you do to keep me from approaching him?"  
Squall: "anything."  
Onion Knight: "C'mere, Squally, let's talk for a minute."

*Onion Knight drags Squall off*

Lynn: "Did you see that?"  
Aria: "I couldn't take my eyes off of him..."  
Ryoko: "It was fascinating. The kid is clever and... has a bit of an evil streak."  
Firion: "Well, consider he was ripped away from everything he ever knew to fight for Cosmos. He was kinda raised by all of us. Even the Chaos guys."  
Warrior of Light: "Such a shame."

~In the hallway leading to the bathroom:

Squall: "You're not gonna ask me to blow you, are you?"  
Onion Knight: "What? Dude, the hell is wrong with you?"  
Squall: "I just don't swing that way!"  
Onion Knight: "...doubt that, but whatever. No, I want you to help us. Play romantic songs for us to sing. Like really, REALLY romantic songs. Stuff that makes girls rip their clothes off and throw themselves at the singers."  
Squall: "Do songs like that exist?"  
Onion Knight: "Yes. And the last time I looked at a karaoke machine, there was a button to play only romantic songs."  
Squall: "...are you kidding?"  
Onion Knight: "No. I'm not. See, my dad's a virgin."  
Squall: *blink, blink* "...do WHAT."

*awkward silence...*

Onion Knight: "Yeah and there's this girl who likes him but won't tell him to his face so I want to get her all warmed up so she'll just throw herself at him!"  
Squall: "I'm legitimately confused right now. How... HOW in the everlasting name of HOLY FUCK is your dad a virgin? My dad's a total goober and he fathered me!"  
Onion Knight: "I'm adopted."  
Squall: "Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Sorry, Orphan Knight." Onion Knight: *grumble* "The bitches call me Onion. Because I make them cry."  
Squall: "Did I say something wrong? I thought I said Onion."  
Onion Knight: "Shut the fuck up, asshole. Just play the romantic songs."  
Squall: "Fine, fine. But you can't tell my dad I'm a Brony, okay?"  
Onion Knight: "Wait, so Laguna is your dad?"  
Squall: "Yes."  
Onion Knight: *lightbulb appears over his head* "OH THAT'S AWESOME."  
Squall: "Hey fuck you, your dad's a virgin!"  
Onion Knight: "I bet my dad can beat up your dad!"  
Squall: "...actually, yeah, he CAN."  
Onion Knight: ROFLMAO Squall: "You're a dick."  
Onion Knight: "That's what I get for spending too much time with Jecht. He was the closest thing I ever had to a father, until this morning. He always said he liked me more than his own son."  
Squall: "You were just adopted... this MORNING?"  
Onion Knight: "Yeah."  
Squall: "And you want to get him laid?"  
Onion Knight: "Yeah."  
Squall: "...what kind of kid ARE YOU?"  
Onion Knight: "I'm not just some kid. I'm a fucking Onion Knight."  
Squall: "Whatever. Get back to your table. I bet that chick in the summoner's cloak and your virgin loser dad wants his cheesecake."  
Onion Knight: "And they'll get it, too. If they don't, the whole world is going to know that you're a fan of My Little Pony."  
Squall: *sigh* "...work at a karaoke club, they said... it'll be FUN, they said..." *slumps off and puts his gunblade away*  
Onion Knight: "Heh."

~ Back at the table:

Ryoko: "And so I said 'oh that's not a duck! it's a vibrator!'"  
Warrior of Light: "...I thought it was a controller?"  
Lynn: "Why do all of your stories have to do with vibrators?"  
Ryoko: "Because I have some perverted ass friends. Everything in that house was a vibrator. The controller, the couch had them built into it, her bed was practically made of vibrators. And wanna stick 'em in places, holy shit."  
Aria: "You have some kinky friends, sounds like."  
Firion: "Where does she live? I wanna visit that house."  
Ryoko: "Oh no you don't. Unless you wanna put them somewhere."  
Firion: "I'd like to show off my vibrator, if you know what I mean."  
Warrior of Light: "I get the feeling that she has more than enough, Firion..."

*everyone stares at Warrior of Light, and he just looks back at them like he's totally clueless... because he IS*

Aria: "...are you for real?"  
Warrior of Light: "I believe so."  
Ryoko: "Well, I dunno if she still has the same house or not. Been a while since I got any word from her. She might still live in Gariland."  
Firion: "ROAD TRIP. I will pay for the chocobos."  
Warrior of Light: "We can't just road trip out of nowhere."  
Firion: "OH YES WE CAN."  
Aria: "I dunno, I heard Gariland was hit pretty hard during the Lion War."  
Lynn: "...I'm almost ready to go home now."  
Onion Knight: "Heh heh! I've got this in the bag!" *runs up to the table and sits down* "Sorry, ya'll, Squall's runnin' a bit late."  
Firion: "Hey bro, you wanna go to Gariland?"  
Onion Knight: "Sure, bro, when we goin'?"  
Firion: "Like right the fuck now."  
Warrior of Light: "You can go. I'll stay here and eat cheesecake. Whenever it gets here."  
Firion: *mutters* "It's sitting across the table from you."  
Onion Knight: *gets another lightbulb* "You know, err... Dad?"  
Warrior of Light: "...what?"  
Onion Knight: "Ryoko? She's hiding cheesecake under her dress."  
Warrior of Light: "HOW."  
Firion: "Why don't you rip her clothes off and search for that creamy cheesecake?"  
Ryoko: "...oh you guys are evil."  
Firion: "You'll both thank us later, once he's done with you!"  
Ryoko: *gets up, blushing* "I'm going to the bathroom!"  
Warrior of Light: "Cheesecake... under her dress? HOW would it stay put? This defies logic! This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It would get smeared all over her dress and between her legs and... that would be extremely slimy. Not to mention hard to clean."  
Onion Knight: ROFLMAO Firion: "Oh... my... GOD... LIGHT SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU."  
Aria: "When are you guys going to tell him what cheesecake is a metaphor for?"  
Firion: "It's weird. Most guys, they know. You say 'cheesecake' and they get ready to find a bedroom."  
Warrior of Light: "Cheesecake... in the bedroom? What a mess. It should be eaten at the table."  
Firion: "I can totally go for that."  
Aria: "Shit, Firion, you are a kinky bastard, aren't you?"  
Firion: "YES."  
Aria: "I'd like to introduce you to my treasure chest sometime."  
Firion: "Is that a metaphor?" *eyebrows do that peverted up-down up-down thingy*  
Aria: "No. It's a real treasure chest. Full of... playthings."  
Firion: "Ooooooooooh."  
Lynn: "I haven't said anything latel-"  
Onion Knight: "Be quiet, the scene is changing."

~Scene Change: In the ladies' bathroom...

Ryoko: *sigh* "Men... can be so oblivious sometimes."  
Voice: "I know, right?"  
Ryoko: "I don't know how to tell him I like him. I have no romantic cells in my entire body. And then when his friends try to hint at it, it's like he completely misses the point..."  
Voice: "You have to make it simple. You can't be subtle."  
Ryoko: "...yeah?"  
Voice: "Guys can be pretty stupid unless you hit them over the head with something to grab their attention."  
Ryoko: "I have a staff."  
Voice: "Not that. I mean, you have to grab their attention."  
Ryoko: "He likes cheesecake."  
Voice: "All guys do."  
Ryoko: "No, seriously, he likes actual cheesecake."  
Voice: "You mean, the food?"  
Ryoko: "Yeah."  
Voice: "...you... you sure he isn't gay?"  
Ryoko: "The man has kids. He can't be gay."  
Voice: "Is he married?"  
Ryoko: "Nah, the mom is dead from what his son told me."  
Voice: "That sounds pretty complicated."  
Ryoko: "To be honest, I'm confused by it all. But I do like the guy a lot. He... saved my life during the war."  
Voice: "Ohhhhhhhhh. I get it. He's the knightly type, isn't he?"  
Ryoko: "Yeah, how'd you know?"  
Voice: "Because I know you." *bathroom stall opens to reveal a blonde wearing white mage robes* "Ta daaa! Bet you weren't expecting me in here, huh?"  
Ryoko: "Alis? Umm... what ARE you doing here?"  
Alis: "When Squall's in a fic of yours, you know I can't be far behind. Anyway, I'm only here to visit him for a short time, and then I'm going back to Gariland. The magic school needs yet another white magic teacher. They all quit so fast."  
Ryoko: "You... teach white magic?"  
Alis: "I'm wearin' the robes, aren't I?"  
Ryoko: "I can't argue with that. What's the furthest thing from purity doing as a white mage?"  
Alis: "Guys love a demure little girl, and I can play to that strength."  
Ryoko: "Gahhh. That's... so... you!"  
Alis: "So I saw Sephy passing through here a few days ago. The guy's got himself all fucked up lately. Running around with some clown. Can you believe that shit? He's got himself a CLOWN. Can't tell if the clown's male or female."  
Ryoko: "I don't care."  
Alis: "Of course you don't. You've moved on, haven't you? To this widower with kids. I swear, if he's anything like your last boyfriend-"  
Ryoko: "He's different. Oblivious. But different. Kind, polite, gentle, brave, strong."  
Alis: "Uh huh. But he's probably broke and barely making ends meet with some dead end job."  
Ryoko: "...I thought you were just a guest apperance this time!"  
Alis: "You need help in this one. Your track record doesn't work for you."  
Ryoko: "Alis, stay out of this. Please."  
Alis: "Fine, fine. I'll be back to check on you to see how he measures up." *she stands on the toilet and casts a spell, getting sucked into it*  
Ryoko: "I can handle myself. Everyone thinks I'm too naive, too tsundere, too... well, everything! I can handle this..." *takes in a deep breath* "Warrior of Light, I hope you're able to give me a straight answer."

~Back at the table:

Firion: "You know, Aria, you sound like a terrific person and... oh hell, can I just come out and stop with the formality? Damn, girl, I wanna tear you up!"  
Aria: "I'm flattered..."  
Warrior of Light: "SQUALL, WHY ARE YOU SO LATE? WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHEESECAKE."  
Lynn: "Someone get this man his cheesecake, we're tired of his bitching."

~Behind the curtain on the stage:

Squall: "That lying little shit. There is not a 'play romantic songs only' button on this stupid machine! He's going to tell my dad I'm a brony... I'll never live it down... no, no... how the hell do I program this?"  
Zidane: "Hey dude, need some help?"  
Squall: "YES HURRY UP... wait, did you just hear me?"  
Zidane: "About you being a brony? It's cool, dude, your secret is safe with me."  
Squall: "You... heard me... great, yet another person I have to appease."  
Zidane: "No really, I'd never tell anyone about it. Ever."  
Tidus: "Tell anyone about what?"  
Squall & Zidane: "GO AWAY, TIDUS."  
Tidus: *runs away screaming and crying*  
Zidane: "He's been stalking me lately, like he's clinging to me because he doesn't have any friends or some shit. He's too emotional and shit."  
Squall: "His dad never loved him. Mine... loves me TOO MUCH."  
Zidane: "Hey... do you hear that?"

~Back in the lobby:

Laguna: "My Little Pony... My Little Ponyy... ah ahh Ahhh AHHH! My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be... until you all shared it's magic with me!"  
Aria: "...I think Laguna is drunk."  
Lynn: *goes over to sing MLP:FiM with him... and they are EXTREMELY LOUD AND ANNOYING SOUNDING TOGETHER* "Big Adventure! Tons of Fun! A beautiful heart! Faithful and strong! Sharing kindness! It's an easy feat, and magic makes it all complete!"  
Laguna: "Oh if only I could have heard Julia sing that!"  
Lynn: "Who's Julia?"  
Laguna: "My One True Love."  
Lynn: "You miss her?"  
Laguna: "...yeah." *hic*  
Ryoko: *comes back out and sits down* "Umm... excuse me, Warrior of Light?"  
Warrior of Light: "Yes, milady, is there something I can help you with?"  
Ryoko: "I've been thining about you a lot lately, and I..."  
Aria: "...?"  
Ryoko: "I... I really missed you when we had to come back to Ivalice after the Dissidia thing. I thought I'd never see you again. But now, sitting here... talking about cheesecake, I... I realized that I'm really happy you're here. It's just so... hard to explain... and I don't know anything about romance or any of that but I... dammit, listen to me..."  
Firion: O_O Onion Knight: O_O Aria: *whispers* "Let's hope he takes it the right way..."  
Warrior of Light: "It's nice to see a familiar face in a world we don't know. I didn't remember you after the fifth cycle, but after the war was over and we were brought here, I remembered you again. The memories weren't deleted forever, they were just locked away so I wouldn't... have to miss you when fighting."  
Firion: O_O Onion Knight: O_O Ryoko: "I've never fallen in love with someone before I knew their real name. This is a first. And who has kids. It's... weird for me."  
Firion: "You know we're not actually his kids, right?"  
Onion Knight: "Yeah we just do that to troll him."  
Ryoko: "...what."  
Lynn: *comes back over* "What did I miss? Laguna was sad so I sat to listen to him. He said that his one true love wasn't Squall's mom, but this girl named Julia who he saw when he was in the service but she ended up falling in love for another guy and they made a baby who grew up to be Squall's girlfriend!"  
Firion: "...what is wrong with Squall and Laguna?"  
Onion Knight: "Emotionally stunted grown man. No wonder he was singing My Little Pony."  
Laguna: *is now singing Winter Wrap Up very drunkenly and very loudly*  
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko... it's nice to know how you feel about me. Thank you for actually... saying how you feel, because I... I've never had a girl like me before. Ever."  
Ryoko: "Wait that means..."  
Firion: "You got it."  
Ryoko: "That you're..."  
Onion Knight: "I think she's figured it out, by golly!"  
Ryoko: "Oh for Heaven's sake, no wonder you had no idea what cheesecake means!"  
Warrior of Light: "What other cheesecake is there but the food?"  
Ryoko: *gets up, walks over to him, and whispers gently in his ear*  
Warrior of Light: "...I know what sex is. Why'd everyone have to go around and speak in code about it? You kept getting me all interested in cheesecake, but you should have just said that you wanted me to get down and dirty, you guys."  
Firion: ^_^; "Eh heh..."  
Warrior of Light: "Shit, no wonder you guys thought I was clueless. I don't know all the subtext here. All I ever did was... fight. So when you guys said cheesecake, I really thought you meant the food. I LOVE cheesecake, the actual cake. I don't know anything about what something means under any other circumstances."  
Ryoko: *glomps the Warrior of Light* "...I really wish you remembered your name."  
Warrior of Light: "I wish I did, too. But if all my other memories have returned, then... maybe I didn't have a name."  
Ryoko: "Maybe." 


	4. Jumbo Cactuar Toaster!

Fanfiction: "Omake!" part 3 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Romance / Parody / Humor Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, and lots of cursing

Disclaimer: The stuff in this fanfic belongs to... Square Enix, Applebees, George Lucas

...fic start!

Dissidia Narrator: "Now that the Warrior of Light has his own..."

*record scratch sound*

Dissidia Narrator: "Oh you have got to be shittin' me. I am not sticking around for this. This is STUPID."

*the screen goes dark. the sound of him getting up out of his chair can be heard clearly, along with another muffled voice threatening to kill him if he doesn't comply.*

Dissidia Narrator: *muttering* "Stupid Japanese lawyers..."

*gunshot*

*looooong silence*

Firion's voice: *sounds incredibly hurried* "Last time on Omake, we drug our dead-beat Dad to the karaoke club. Onion Knight revealed that he knows a lot in the art of persuasion, and Ryoko admitted her feelings to Warrior of Light! Now let's party!"

*scene fades into the inside of the Karaoke Club, where Ryoko is cuddled up on Warrior of Light while they're whispering to each other, Firion is drooling while staring at Aria talk about kinky stuff, and Onion Knight and Lynn are playing jon-ken-pon. The cheesecake had yet to be delivered to their table, and the singing part of the night has yet to happen*

Onion Knight: "GOTCHA!"  
Lynn: "Booo. That's 23 times in a row."  
Onion Knight: "I am the CHAMPION of jon-ken-pon, bitches!"  
Aria: "And so I said, 'oh, that's not a bracelet. those are handcuffs!'"  
Firion: *drools*  
Aria: "...Ryoko, where's the drool bucket?"  
Ryoko: *staring at the Warrior of Light* "Hmmm? What?"  
Aria: "The drool bucket. Where?"  
Ryoko: *still staring* "dunno."  
Warrior of Light: *pokes Ryoko in the forehead* "Do me a favor. Stop... undressing me with your eyes."  
Ryoko: "I could undress you for real."  
Warrior of Light: "...not what I meant."  
Firion: "Can I watch?"  
Onion Knight: o_o Warrior of Light: O_O Aria: "Damn boy, you're into some weird shit, aren't you?"  
Firion: "Let's watch together."  
Aria: "I've never had any interest in watching my friend strip a guy before."  
Lynn: "Yeah that's... weird."  
Firion: "But I've never seen Light naked."  
Lynn: "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?"  
Onion Knight: "You're creeping me out, bro."  
Firion: "He sleeps in that armor. He's ALWAYS wearing that armor. I'm not kidding. I don't know if he's ever been naked in his entire life. Maybe that armor grows with him or something. Maybe he sheds the old and grows new armor! HE'S A SNAKE."  
Warrior of Light: "...I can get out of the armor."  
Firion: "BULLSHIIIIIIIIIT. Otherwise, you'd take it off sometime!"  
Warrior of Light: *sigh* "I don't own anything else to wear."  
Ryoko: "You can wear me..."  
Warrior of Light: "There's a part of me that wants to say 'now how would that work?' for old time's sake, but I know exactly what you're referring to."  
Ryoko: "puuuuuleeeeeeeeeeeeze?"  
Firion: "That girl wants you and she wants you NAO."  
Onion Knight: "Damn, how do you do it... DAD?"  
Warrior of Light: "I would, but I'm still hungry. For, y'know, food."  
Ryoko: *gets up immediately* "SQUALL. BRING MY MAN HIS CHEESECAKE BEFORE I CALL BAHUMUT TO END YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE." *starts to pull in a magical aura and her dress is starting to ruffle around her*  
Firion: "Oh shit! Squall's a dead man if he doesn't hurry the fuck up."

*suddenly, the lights go out*

Lynn: "Uh oh."  
Aria: "Hell hath no wrath like a horny woman!"  
Ryoko: "SQUALL WHERE ARE YOU?"  
Onion Knight: "Thank the Goddess this world has charge time battle instead of our battle back in World A."  
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko."  
Ryoko: "Yes?"  
Warrior of Light: "Calm down. We can just go somewhere else to eat."  
Ryoko: "...okay." *stops charging her spell and sits back down* "But this is the WORST SERVICE I've ever had at any place, EVER."

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away:

*An Applebees in the middle of Zeltienna's city is suddenly darkened by a shadow in the shape of a dragon*  
Bahumut: "I come on behalf of my pact, to destroy the place with the absolute worst service in the history of eateries... all of you must perish... MEGAFLARE."  
*The Applebees explodes*  
Waitress: "My Emperor... I've FAILED YOU!" *dies horribly while on fire*

~Back at the bar:

Warrior of Light: "Whoa."  
Firion: "What? What is it?"  
Warrior of Light: "I feel something..."  
Onion Knight: "Is it a crystal? Or a Warrior of Chaos?"  
Warrior of Light: "No... there's a disturbance in the force. Someone... failed their emperor."  
Onion Knight: "You're kidding."  
Firion: "...what the hell, you're a jedi, too?"  
Warrior of Light: "No... Ryoko, do you think your aim could be... slightly off?"  
Ryoko: "No, but I was chanting about destroying the resturant with the worst service ever in the history of Ivalice."  
Warrior of Light: "...I don't think this is it."  
Ryoko: "Huh. Weird."  
Warrior of Light: "Still, it is dark in here."  
Onion Knight: "I will decapitate you if you start talking about the light and the darkness again... we're past that now."  
Ryoko: "TOUCH HIM AND DIE, PIMPKID."  
Aria: "I know some magic. Fire!" *casts a fireball and it sets a table on fire so they can see around them* "Good enough."  
Laguna: *so drunk he can hardly walk* "Maaaaai Widdle Poneeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." *manages to go over to the burning table* "It'ssss on fiiire..."  
Squall: *runs in, casts Water on the fire, and then runs away*  
Aria: "Dammit, Squall. What the hell is going on in here?"  
Laguna: "Whoa it's not on fire anymore..." *passes out onto the table that was previously burning*  
Firion: "Errr. You know what, we really should leave."  
Lynn: "Agreed."

*everyone gets up like they're going to leave, but the lights come back on*

Squall: "Hold it!"  
Tidus: *runs in* "Objection!"  
Squall: "...Tidus, you're ruining it!"  
Tidus: "But I wanna play Ace Attorney with you."  
Squall: "I'm NOT playing Ace Attorney."  
Tidus: "Awww." *leaves*  
Squall: "Threaten me with Bahamut? I'll show you! I have the most powerful summon right here, junctioned to my mind! I have... Eden!"  
Ryoko: "Is this a challenge?"  
Squall: "You doubted the validity of my establishment and tried to summon Bahumut on me. Of course!"  
Firion: " Dude, you've taken forever and you can't even serve two slices of cheesecake. You haven't even set up the karaoke machine! Your service sucks ass."  
Onion Knight: "Yeeeeah..." *taps his foot* "Guess I'm gonna have to talk to Laguna about something..."  
Squall: "Go ahead! Tell that drunk that I'm a brony! I don't care! ...ever since coming back here from the Dissidia war, I knew there was only one thing I could do with my life. I had to start my life over, in a fun and inventive way! So I joined this place in hopes that I could train to join a musical troupe..."  
Onion Knight: "pfft, fruitcake."  
Squall: "I'm not gay."  
Ryoko: "No, he's not. I know his girlfriend."  
Firion: "...oh, okay. If you say so. Dunno why you'd defend Squall, so it has to be true."  
Aria: "Well, whatever, we're leaving."  
Firion: "Yeah baby, let's go."  
Squall: "No! That's it, I'll have to summon something faster than Eden! Jumbo Cactuar! He will pelt you with one thousand WAFFLES."  
Lynn: "...wait a second, Cactuars don't attack with waffles."  
Squall: "No. But this Jumbo Cactuar TOASTER does!"

*a gigantic toaster in the shape of a cactuar busts through the wall to the left*

Squall: "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
Firion: "What. The. Fuck."  
Onion Knight: "Squall has some MAJOR issues."  
Aria: "We'll have to fight that thing?"  
Ryoko: "I'll destroy it with my summons. We'll be fine."  
Lynn: "You forget that we're back in Ivalice... your summons need time to charge! Back in the Dissidia world, there were no charge attacks so they could come instantly."  
Warrior of Light: "Don't worry. With the six of us, we'll be fine."  
Squall: "Oh yeah? Well just try and see! Jumbo Cactuar Toaster, fire your Waffle Iron of One Thousand Sins!"  
Jumbo Cactuar Toaster: *starts shooting out waffles in all directions from every hole in its body*  
Onion Knight: "I stand corrected... SQUALL IS FUCKING INSANE."  
*the waffles fly in every direction and there's so many of them that no one can see anything but flying waffles*  
Warrior of Light: "We've been through worse."  
Firion: "Yeah, Kuja's orgy was way more fucked up than this."

*everyone just stares at him with the expression of 'why the fuck did you even say that' on their faces*

Onion Knight: "...incoming, everyone!"  
*everyone fights off the waffles the best they can, but no matter how many waffles they destroy, five more take its place*  
Ryoko: *starts eating them* "These aren't done enough. They're really undercooked."  
Aria: "I can fix that." *casts Fire at a stack of them, causing them to brown and land on Ryoko's head*  
Ryoko: *eats those instead* "Oh yeah, that's much better."  
Lynn: "You're actually eating them?"  
Ryoko: "I don't let food go to waste."  
Squall: "Drat! She's discovered the waffles' weakness! We'll have to try another weapon! Jumbo Cactuar Toaster! Try your Burrito Torpedo Launcher!"

*now there are burritos and waffles both flying around at random, and the entire lobby smells like a Waffle House*

Lynn: "Do I get a side of fries with that?"  
Squall: "You're so ungrateful! This is all free, you know!"  
Ryoko: "Can I order a goddamn CHEESECAKE?"  
Squall: "Jumbo Cactuar Toaster! Grab that one!"  
Jumbo Cactuar Toaster: *grabs Ryoko*  
Warrior of Light: "Hold on! I'm coming!"  
Ryoko: "It's fine, I got this." *pulls out a katana*  
Onion Knight: "...you had a katana this whole time?"  
Ryoko: "My subclass is samurai, bitches! And you know what a samurai can do with her swords, right?"  
Lynn & Aria: "Draw Out!"  
Ryoko: *uses draw out on her sword, which makes a little storm cloud appear. Lightning strikes the Jumbo Cactuar Toaster and it starts to freeze up, with little jolts of electricity sparking all over the place* Jumbo Cactuar Toaster: "Beep beep boob beep!"  
Squall: "How did you figure that out?"  
Ryoko: "Eh. It was really the last katana I had."  
Squall: "Random fucking chance... am I just this unlucky?"  
Firion: "Everyone, hit that thing as hard as you can!"  
Onion Knight: "Right!" *uses his Sword combo attack on the JCT*  
Warrior of Light: "SHIELD OF LIGHT!" *calls forth a blast of light from his hands and hits the JTC*  
Lynn: *sticks her sword into the JTC's leg*  
Firion: *throws an axe into its head*  
Ryoko: "It's almost done! It just needs one more good whack!"  
Aria: *hits it with her dancer's ribbon*  
Ryoko: "...that's all you got?"  
Aria: "Just wait."  
Jumbo Cactuar Toaster: *falls over, frees Ryoko, and then disappears with those weird red outlines with a swish sound like from FFVII*  
Squall: "You may have defeated my mecha summon applicance, but you can never stop all the waffles and burritos!"  
Firion: "...Squall, you have been suppressing yourself for far too long, my friend." *fires off a few arrows at the flying waffles and skewer them, but peanut butter floods out of them, landing on Ryoko's and Warrior of Light's heads*  
Ryoko: "..."  
Warrior of Light: "..."  
Firion: "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, DUDE."  
Squall: "YES EXACTLY. THESE WAFFLES SHIT PEANUT BUTTER WHEN THEY DIE."  
Warrior of Light: *twitch, twitch* "Can I kill him?"  
Ryoko: "Have at him, love."  
Warrior of Light: "you... got this gunky shit... all in my hair. Do you know how long it takes... TO GET MY HAIR THIS PERFECT?"  
Onion Knight: O_O Firion: O_O Warrior of Light: "IT'S ALL OVER MY FAVORITE HORNED HELMET, TOO!"  
Ryoko: O_O Aria: O_O Lynn: O_O Warrior of Light: "Squall! You were once my ally and my friend! You helped us defeat Chaos during the Dissidia War... I thought that you'd understand... that NO ONE TOUCHES MY FAVORITE HELMET!" *casts Radiant Sword and instead of just eight swords, one BAZILLION swords come out of nowhere and they skewer all of the waffles at once, and peanut butter gets all over everyone and everything*  
Aria: "...umm... thanks a lot, Light."  
Lynn: *licks it off her hand* "Hey, it's Skippy!"  
Firion: "And now the ladies will wrestle naked in it!"  
Ryoko: "...no."  
Lynn: "You are such a typical guy."  
Aria: "It's not even mud."  
Firion: "So you WOULD mudwrestle?"  
Aria: "...no."  
Firion: "You are officially a TEASE."  
Aria: "Oh you don't even know half of it."  
Squall: "WHAT? THEY'RE ALL DEFEATED. AND THERE'S PEANUT BUTTER IN MY COAT FEATHERS."  
Warrior of Light: "Serves you right. You just needed to deliver my cheesecake, you ingrate."  
Ryoko: "Really, this has to be the worst resturant in the history of Ivalice."

~meanwhile:

*That Applebees is still on fire and Bahumut is sitting on it like a throne*  
Bahumut: "Best. Throne. Ever."  
*everyone in Zeltienna is trying to put the fire out. Bahumut just fries them with his Megaflare*  
Bahumut: "This is my place now, BITCHES."

~Back at the Karaoke club:

Ryoko: "That stupid dragon won't answer me! What the hell! I thought we had a pact!"  
Squall & Warrior of Light: *have entered a deathmatch to get revenge over their respective clothes while the others are watching, half-interested*  
Lynn: "You sure you still have a crush on this guy?"  
Ryoko: "Yep."  
Lynn: "You could back out any time. I mean, Cecil could be single by now."  
Ryoko: "Naaah. He was too pure of heart for me."  
Aria: "The Warrior of LIGHT isn't too PURE of heart?"  
Firion: "Yeah really. He's a virgin. Cecil made babies. Light is as pure as they come."  
Ryoko: "He believed the entire time that he was going home to his family. And I never slept in his arms, so I don't know if he was even qualified for me."  
Onion Knight: "..."  
Firion: "So, let me get this straight. You judge whether a guy is good enough for you by sleeping in his arms?"  
Ryoko: "What's wrong with that?"  
Firion: "Well, how would you find out about that kind of thing? Ask a guy you like 'hey, can I sleep in your arms to see if you're qualified to get to know'?"  
Ryoko: "If I can't sleep comfortably in his arms, how would I be able to get romantic with him?"  
Aria: "And now you see why she's had so few boyfriends in the past."  
Firion: "Yeeeeeeeeeah. She's just as dense as Warrior of Light is."  
Ryoko: thinking "He's so dreamy... so so dreamy... beat his ass, Light! Beat him up! Hmmmm... gotta get you a whip... put that arm to use... oh gosh, that's so sexy... I want that... you're coming home with me, you peanut butter covered knight..."  
Ryoko: "Dense? How so?"  
Firion: *goes on talking but she doesn't hear it because she's so lost in thought*  
Warrior of Light: "You're MINE!"

*the fight ends with a whole bunch of sparkles and shit like in Dissidia and the victory fanfare plays from absolutely nowhere*

Warrior of Light: "...I need a bath."  
Squall: *is unconcious*  
Firion: "We should get the hell out of here."  
Ryoko: "You should come home with us. We have room to spare."  
Aria: "That was fast."  
Ryoko: "Hey, it'll move that plot right along, wont it?"  
Firion: "...what are you... oh yeah, that's right. C'mon, Light, you need a bath."  
Warrior of Light: "I do."

*they leave, headed for the shared apartment of the Ivalice Girls... not knowing what to expect!* 


	5. Let's Recap Or Retell?

Fanfic: "Omake!" part 4 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Romance / Parody / Humor Warnings: OCs, OOC, lots of sexual references, and lots of cursing.

Disclaimer: The shit in this fanfic belongs to Square Enix. Mostly.

...Fic Start!

*the screen is kinda snowy*

Very obvious Japanese voice: "We have sacked the Dissidia Narrator. He was going to go back on his contract. Thus, we have replaced him with someone loyal to long hours of never ending narration."

*screen fades to a black screen with golden glowing text reading "FUCK YOU"*

Voice: "Last time on 'Omake!' some crazy things happened, kupo."

*Ryoko appears on screen*

Ryoko: "Really? That's all the summary you've got?"  
Voice: "I wasn't here to see all of the chapters before, kupo."  
Ryoko: "You don't have a script there?"  
Voice: "No, kupo."  
Ryoko: "...the production values of this fanfic astound me." *facepalm*  
Voice: "Kupo!"  
Ryoko: "Well, then, we'll have to have a recap episode for you, new narrator."  
Voice: "...kupo."  
Ryoko: "Roll footage!"

*the screen shows the Emperor in 'One, Two, Three' standing over Ryoko and staring down at her chest with a very perverted look on his face*

Ryoko: "The evil Emperor Mateus tried to rape me! But then!"

*the screen shows the Warrior of Light covered in pretty sparkles and standing all heroic with angel wings and a halo*

Ryoko: "The hero, the beautifully handsome and oh-so-sexy Warrior of Light busted into the room and fought him off! He saved me from a fate worse than death!"  
Aria: "...really? This is how you remember it?"  
Ryoko: "That's what happened, right?"  
Lynn: "Mateus wasn't trying to rape you... I'm sure he wanted your Aquarius stone."  
Ryoko: "I think that sexy asshole wanted to rip my clothes off!"  
Aria: "You sure you aren't just wishing he did?"  
Ryoko: "Well he IS kinda hot."  
Lynn: "wut."  
Ryoko: "Let's keep recapping!"

*the screen shows Aria dancing and fighting manikins with Firion watching. his nose is bleeding*

Ryoko: "And then Aria saved this pervert from some manikins."  
Aria: "Um."  
Lynn: "He is a perv. Can't argue with that."  
Aria: "Yeah but I wasn't trying to save him."  
Ryoko: "I think he fell in love with her but I can't quite tell."  
Aria: "..."  
Ryoko: "Then there was this little kid who was fighting to defend Lynn."

*the screen shows Onion Knight fighting Jecht to protect Lynn*

Ryoko: "I was sleeping through all of this so I wasn't really there, but I heard they teamed up on him and after Jecht left, they made out."  
Lynn: "We actually didn't. Where did you hear that?"  
Ryoko: "The voices in my head!"  
Aria: "...are you recapping or are you trying to retell the story?"  
Lynn: "Besides you were awake then because Aria smacked you on the head."  
Ryoko: "I was staring at the beautiful knight that was walking next to me, I might as well have been asleep."

*the screen shows Warrior of Light down on one knee, looking up at Ryoko. but it's clearly drawn in crayon and doesn't look much anything like them - all the details are really off*

Ryoko: "And this romance was born!"  
Lynn: "MY CRAYONS. WHO STOLE THEM?"  
Aria: "...who put that slide in there? That drawing is horrible."  
Ryoko: "I dunno, whoever stole the crayons."  
Onion Knight: *busts into the scene, ripping through the projector screen behind them* "I drew that. I thought maybe it would give Light some ideas, yeah?"  
Lynn: "Don't steal the crayons... you could at least ask first."  
Ryoko: "It's still a cute drawing! Thanks for the fanart, Onion."  
Onion Knight: "Sure."  
Voice: "I'm still confused as to what happened during the chapters I missed, kupo."  
Firion: *falls from the ceiling and lands on a pile of creme pies that were there for some odd reason* "Girls, get out of here. We'll tell it like it really happened."  
Aria: "No, no you won't." *pushes back into the splattered pies* "Sorry ya'll, too busy to talk." *jumps in the pies with Firion*  
Lynn: "...um." *has to look away* "Dang yo."  
Ryoko: "I thought I was the crazy one."  
Onion Knight: "Let me tell how it happened! So! *takes in a really, really deep breath like Ace Ventura* Once upon a time there was a war where Chaos and Cosmos were at each other constantly and every time there was a victor it just kept getting repeated anyway, well we met these girls in cycle 5 but Cosmos thought those evil crystals were too dangerous so we never got anything from Ivalice ever again after they died fighting manikins so we had to forget them temporarily and after 13 cycles we ended the war and because we couldn't go home we had to come to Ivalice anyway and we met up with the girls again and then we went to a Karaoke bar where Squall summoned a Cactuar shaped toaster that shot waffles and burritos, but we beat it and now we're going to their house because WE'RE ALL COVERED IN PEANUT BUTTER!"  
Ryoko: "...that really about covers it."  
Voice: "Okay, kupo!"

*the Narrator's microphone squeaks so loudly that everyone covers their ears because it hurts so much*

Japanese lawyer: "There have been changes made to your script you need to be aware of. The Moogles do not believe they are being represented as a race of Ivalice properly, as you've only included them in one scene for a short time. There will be more moogles because of this."  
Ryoko: "What about the bangaa, viera, seeq, and nu mou?"  
Japanese lawyer: "They have yet to sue over this piddly fanfic."  
Lynn: "That's crazy."  
Onion Knight: "Seriously, moogles were servants back in my day!"  
Ryoko: "Yeah they weren't protrayed very well in FFV, either."  
Lynn: "...I suppose we'll adjust to the changes."  
Japanese lawyer: "You'll have to. So, pick up the story from where you left off."  
Ryoko: "By the way... where IS my handsome Warrior of Light?"  
Voice: "Kupo..."

*the screen fades to black, and when it fades back in, the peanut butter covered heroes are in the living room of the shared apartment of the Ivalice Girls*

Ryoko: "Sit on any furniture, and I'll skewer you."  
Warrior of Light: "So then what will you have us do?"  
Ryoko: "Well, the one thing that my brain has going through it right this very second is licking every bite of peanut butter off of you and then tackling you into my bed, but I like to believe I have more class than that."  
Warrior of Light: "You don't have to hold back on my account. I... wouldn't refuse your offer." *blushes slightly*  
Ryoko: "No, it's not you. I'm more worried about the censors."  
Firion: "Censors?"  
Ryoko: "Yeah, they'll come through and delete any scene where there's sexual stuff."  
Warrior of Light: "They will let you curse up a storm and be as violent as you want for no apparent reason, but they won't let you show sex? Can I ask why?"  
Aria: "Dunno. I think it has something to do with the site the fic is hosted on."  
Onion Knight: "This fanfic is really self-aware."  
Lynn: "All right then, we'll have to put you guys in the guest room and let you shower one at a time..."  
Aria: "That's gonna take forever."  
Lynn: "They're guys. They'll be done in like less than ten minutes."  
Aria: "You remember what Light said when fighting Squall? It takes him forever to get his hair perfect."  
Warrior of Light: "I would not occupy your bathroom to fix my hair properly. I'll just wash it out and let it be until I get home."  
Ryoko: "...before I start nosebleeding all over the place, take them to the guest room. I'll go bathe in the pool."  
Lynn: "All right, you guys, this way." *leads the guys off screen*  
Aria: "You're joking if you think you're going to BATHE in the POOL. You never clean that bitch out, what gives you the right?"  
Ryoko: "Fine, I'll bathe in the kitchen sink then!"  
Aria: "...wait, before you go, I have a question for you."  
Ryoko: "Shoot."  
Aria: "We don't have a fucking pool."  
Ryoko: "That's not a question."  
Aria: "I'm not finished yet. How in the name of tit-licking were you going to bathe in the pool we don't have?"  
Ryoko: "I don't know. I was gonna go and bathe in that pool out there." *points out the window*  
Aria: "That pool belongs to the Igros Swimming Team."  
Ryoko: "So? They never win anyway."  
Aria: "No, this could get us in trouble. I don't think that's a good idea at all."  
Ryoko: "We're in enough trouble. We have men in our apartment."  
Aria: LOL Ryoko: "Seriously though I need a bath."  
Aria: "Just wait your turn."  
Ryoko: "Hey wait a minute!" *goes out onto the balcony* "Awkward Cloud, are you up there?"  
Awkward Cloud: *flies down* "As always... wait, you need something? From me?"  
Ryoko: "Eeeyup. Rain on me, big guy."  
Awkward Cloud: "You're kidding."  
Ryoko: "Nope. I need a bath but the bath is full of-"  
Awkward Cloud: "Men?"  
Ryoko: "YES."  
Awkward Cloud: "But every time I rain on you, things get awkward. I thought you hated it."  
Ryoko: "At this point, I don't care. I need to get this peanut butter off of me, like, now."  
Awkard Cloud: "You know my powers mess with the continuum of events to come. This isn't a great idea."  
Ryoko: "Shut up and RAIN."  
Awkward Cloud: *flies up a little and hovers right over her head* "The awkwardness needed for this kind of shower will really screw up with the rest of your fic. You're sure you know the consequences."  
Ryoko: *taps foot impatiently*  
Awkward Cloud: *rains on her*  
Ryoko: "Cold... but it works."  
Aria: *watches from inside the apartment* "Oh shit... that's the Awkward Cloud..."

~in the guest room:

Lynn: "So yeah, the shower's just right out there. Feel free to come out when you're done. We'll fix dinner or something."  
Warrior of Light: "How nice of you to offer."  
Firion: "Agreed."  
Onion Knight: "As long as it doesn't have onions in it, I'm fine."  
Lynn: "What?"  
Onion Knight: "I am the ONION KNIGHT. I fight in the name of Tamaneki-sensei!"  
Lynn: "Wait that's from another series entirely..."  
Onion Knight: "I was raised by an onion. The proudest onion ever!"  
Lynn: "You're almost as delusional as Ryoko."  
Warrior of Light: "You said 'almost'."  
Lynn: "I get the feeling you're going to learn all about that, Light. Ryoko is, well, she's insane."  
Warrior of Light: "More than Squall Leonheart? That whole cactuar-toaster incident really cemented in his lack of sanity."  
Lynn: "In the right circumstances, yes, Ryoko can be worse than that."  
Firion: "That's... scary."  
Lynn: "More than you know. She teases me for being young, and Aria for being a total kinky pervert, but she only remembers things in the way she wants to remember them. Hence why she believes that Light secretly has angel wings."  
Firion: "So those clips from the intro of the episode?"  
Lynn: "From her Imagination Printer. She prints off things that are in her imagination using this weird device."  
Warrior of Light: "Oh."  
Onion Knight: "Okay, Dad, because you're trying to marry into this family, you should get your shower first and go mingle with your future wife."  
Warrior of Light: "Who said I was marrying-"

*everyone in the room holds out a copy of the script and points at it*

Warrior of Light: "...forgive me. I shouldn't have asked." *shuffles off to the bathroom with a towel over his arm*  
Lynn: "Gosh... I thought he'd never leave."  
Firion: "So, this is what we've got planned." *hands her an envelope*  
Lynn: "Oh ho." *opens and reads it* "This is unexpected. And kinda... overdoing it."  
Onion Knight: "I don't think so. The way I see it, Light's kind of admitted to liking her all ready."  
Lynn: "You don't have to set up a trap for them. Really. Ryoko's smitten. You heard her earlier."  
Onion Knight: "Where's your sense of fun?"  
Lynn: "I can have fun without resorting to evil tactics like these."  
Firion: "Oh, you can?"  
Lynn: "Yeah. Ryoko and Aria might be slightly evil, but I'm not."  
Firion: "...I get the feeling all of you are evil to your cores. That's just the aura I'm picking up from the three of you."  
Onion Knight: "You work for Chaos, don't you?"  
Lynn: "GAHHH." *walks out frustrated*  
Firion: "Okay, so we'll have to do this on our own."  
Onion Knight: "If Lynn knows about it, she might try to stop it."  
Firion: "I doubt it. She might not be evil, she might just be neutral."

~in the shower:

*the bad parts are blocked out by a black square, so no one can see anything naughty*

Warrior of Light: *singing while bathing* "I'm walkin' on sunshine... whoooaaaa~ and don't it feel GOOD!"

~in the living room:

*Ryoko is clean and her summoner clothes are being washed outside by the Awkward Cloud. she's wearing a towel*

Aria: "What are we doing for dinner?"  
Ryoko: "Order Chocobo Wings or something."  
Aria: "...that's no way to make an impression."  
Ryoko: "What?"  
Aria: "If you're gonna marry a guy, he wants to know you can cook."  
Ryoko: "Who said I'm gonna marry-"  
Aria: *holds out a copy of the script and points at it.  
Ryoko: "Oh dammit. Let's skip that."  
Aria: "You were the one who wanted to stick with the plot. Nooo, we have to get your Sir Lightbringer. Noooo, we CAN'T go to Equestria!"  
Ryoko: "You're STILL stuck on that?"  
Aria: "YES."

*phone rings*

Aria: "Hello? ...oh. Okay sure." *hands phone to Ryoko* "For you."  
Ryoko: "Yes?"  
Voice on the other side: "Heeeeello~!"  
Ryoko: *frustrated* "Alis, what do you need?"  
Alis (on the phone): "I'm sending you a bag of clothes."  
Ryoko: "I don't need clothes."  
Alis (on the phone): "Yes you do. Your exboyfriend left them at my house. I don't need them. Look, Squall told me what happened, and he knew you were having men in the house. I'll have them land in your closet."  
Ryoko: "I don't want HIS clothes."  
Alis (on the phone): "Too late~"  
Ryoko: "Since when did you know teleporting spells?"  
Alis (on the phone): "You know that the gate of my closet is a portal and can connect to every closet on the planet. Put them to use, your exboyfriend obviously doesn't want them."  
Ryoko: "You don't even know if they'll fit!"  
Alis (on the phone): "I'll take that as a 'thank you, Alis' and be done with the matter."  
Ryoko: "Alis, stop getting involved. You're a guest appearance in this fic."  
Alis (on the phone): "Squall and I are going on vacation to Lesalia City. We'll call you when we get there~"  
Ryoko: "Great. Thanks... I'll talk to you then." *hangs up the phone*  
Aria: "What happened?"  
Ryoko: "Alis decided to teleport a bag of my exboyfriend's clothes to my closet because Squall told her about what happened at the karaoke club."  
Aria: "Isn't that actually helpful?"  
Ryoko: "I guess."  
Aria: "So... is there a reason you don't want to talk to her or something?"  
Ryoko: "No, it's not that I don't want to talk to Alis, it's that... well, before I joined Ramza's army, I lived with her. It was... crazy."  
Aria: "She was the owner of that kinky house you mentioned."  
Ryoko: "...yes."  
Aria: "I think I understand."  
Ryoko: "She's just in a class of her own."  
Aria: "Sounds like it."  
Ryoko: "When I say she makes you look tame, I'm not kidding."  
Aria: "...damn."

~in the shower:

Warrior of Light: "Well..." *gets out, dries off, and wraps towel around his waist* "I'll have to get to cleaning my armor when I can." *opens the door* "Firion! You're next!"

~in the guest room:

Firion: "He's out. You know what to do, Onion."  
Onion Knight: *gives a thumbs up*  
Firion: *leaves and takes a towel with him*  
Onion Knight: "Heh heh."

~in the hallway:

Ryoko: "I'd best get those clothes then..." *she passes the guest room door, going into her own room*  
Onion Knight: *sticks his head out the door* "Oh she's asking for it that way."  
Warrior of Light: *is coming down the hallway* "Onion? Are you all right?"  
Onion Knight: "Of course I am, Dad. Ryoko said she has some clothes for us in that room. You might wanna go in there and see."  
Warrior of Light: "Fair enough. Dunno why she'd have any men's clothes, but..." *knocks on the door, but isn't answered, so he goes in*  
Onion Knight: *runs over and locks the door* "Perfect."

~in Ryoko's room:

Warrior of Light: "...Ryoko?"  
Ryoko: *in the closet* "I can't believe... she'd even... send this stuff to me!" *throws a whole bunch of clothes of of the closet at once* "This is stupid. I can't believe..." *comes out stark naked, except she's about to pull a dress on, but she doesn't notice he's standing there yet*  
Warrior of Light: *instant nosebleed*  
Ryoko: "Seeing these clothes and again just makes me want to burn them." *finally looks towards the door* "...LIGHT!"  
Warrior of Light: "Um. This is not what it looks like." *wipes nose*  
Ryoko: "...not that I'm complaining or anything but... why are you naked, except for a towel right now?"  
Warrior of Light: "My armor is smeared in peanut butter. I've no clothes. Onion said that you had some clothes for us in here, so I..."  
Ryoko: "I see. They're trying to trap us together in here, so we'll... you know."  
Warrior of Light: "I thought that's what you wanted."  
Ryoko: "I'll be honest. Yeah, I'd love it. But... not if it's so forced. Sure, I stare at you all the time, but I... I think I'd rather have a real relationship instead of something that is just for sex. I had a relationship like that once and it... fell through."  
Warrior of Light: "I see."  
Ryoko: "I'm smitten, it's true, but..." Warrior of Light: "That's painfully clear."  
Ryoko: "Light... here. Look through the clothes. You don't have to just stand around in a towel. I'll go start on dinner."  
Warrior of Light: *goes to look through the clothes* "You don't have to."  
Ryoko: "But of course I do. I have to." *pulls the dress on and walks to the door, but it's locked!* "Oh... it's locked from the outside!"

~in the hallway:

Onion Knight: XD Firion: "Okay bro, your turn."  
Onion Knight: "On my way!"  
Firion: *walks through the hall and puts his ear on the door of Ryoko's room*

~in Ryoko's room:

Warrior of Light: "I am so sorry about this. My so-called friends... they're not exactly subtle."  
Ryoko: "It's fine. If they want sex, let's give it to them."  
Warrior of Light: "...?"  
Ryoko: *whispers* "Don't worry. I have a plan. They can't outsmart me."  
Warrior of Light: *whispers* "I don't know, these guys really spent a lot of time plotting."  
Ryoko: *whispers* "They can plot all they like. Finish getting dressed. Then we'll give them a show!"  
Warrior of Light: "All right."  
Ryoko: *seductively* "I'll give you all I've got!"

~in the hallway:

Firion: "Yeeeeeeah, boy. Bout damn time, Light."  
*the bed starts squeaking LOUDLY*  
Firion: "Daaaaaamn. That girl can go at it! Wooooooo! Go Light! We snagged you a KEEPER."  
Ryoko's voice: "ooooh..."  
Warrior of Light's voice: "haaa, haaa..."  
Firion: *goes to the bathroom* "Bro, come on you are missing this shit! Light's got it goin' ON!"  
Onion: "What? Damn that was FAST." *hurries out of the bath and wraps himself in a towel to run down the hall*  
*the moaning continues as the squeaking gets faster and louder*  
Firion: "I told you!"  
Onion: "And now, proof!" *unlocks the door and bursts in the room* "HAHA, DAD! She got you goo..."

*Warrior of Light and Ryoko are having a pillow fight on the bed, fully dressed. Feathers are flying around everywhere.*

Warrior of Light: *walks out, smiling* "She's right... you can't outsmart her."  
Ryoko: "Go through this bag. It's men's clothes." *walks out*  
Firion: "WE'VE BEEN HAD."  
Onion Knight: "We have. This... this calls for different tactics."  
Firion: "Bro, I think they're together now anyway. It'll happen when it's ready."  
Onion Knight: "You sure? I kinda liked the idea of trying to force them to go at it."  
Firion: "They're not pandas."  
Onion Knight: "No, but I figure it'd help them get married faster."  
Firion: "...this plot is so stupid..."  
Onion Knight: "AGREED."

~in the living room:

Lynn: "So, Aria, what are we doing for dinner?"  
Aria: "Dick sammiches."  
Lynn: "WHAT. THE. FUCK."  
Aria: "I was teasing. I'm baking some Chocobo Breast with some noodles and dumplings in the oven."  
Lynn: "Seriously you have a sick sense of humor."  
Onion Knight: *still wearing a towel* "I'm hungry."  
Lynn: "Why aren't you dressed?"  
Onion Knight: "Because all those clothes are for older guys. I can't fit in 'em."  
Lynn: "I have a lot of simple clothes, you can use some of mine. Then I'll go get a shower."  
Onion Knight: "...I suppose I'll have to."  
Ryoko: *walks in, holding Warrior of Light's hand* "And so I said-"  
Aria: "That's not a sword, that's a vibrator'... right?"  
Ryoko: "...no, actually, that's not how this joke ends."  
Aria: "...whoa really?"  
Ryoko: "So I said, 'Well damn. That's the worst summon ever. What the hell does it even do, raid panties from your enemies? How the hell does THAT help in battle?' and so the guy said 'it gives me motivation to survive the fight'. I swear I laughed so hard that I fell off of Bahumut."  
Warrior of Light: "You summoners have your own culture, seems like."  
Ryoko: "We do! We have to communicate with the spirits that protect the planet and make pacts to summon them!"  
Aria: "Umm. That's how it works in Tales."  
Ryoko: "Well it works that way here too."  
Warrior of Light: "But Squall said all he had to do was junction his summons..."  
Ryoko: "That's because Squall's from a weird world where you have to junction the ability to do anything other than swing a sword."  
Warrior of Light: "...that's crazy."  
Ryoko: "I know, right?"  
Aria: "Okay whatever. Dinner's almost done. You can thank me later."  
Ryoko: "I'm sorry I haven't yet."  
Warrior of Light: "You three have a big apartment..."  
Ryoko: "Yep. When Ramza decided he didn't need us in his army, we kinda got this place and a stipend to live off for helping him defeat Altima."  
Warrior of Light: "Wow."  
Aria: "Yeah everyone thinks we died in that battle, but Ramza and Alma saved us. Then gave us this place."  
Ryoko: "Yep. This is what dead heroes do, I guess."  
Warrior of Light: *looks away sadly*  
Ryoko: "Oh no. I've offended you. I should have ridden the hell out of you when I had the chance..."  
Warrior of Light: "No, not at all. I just... you just reminded me that so many worlds were destroyed because of Cosmos and Chaos' war. Ivalice stands because the heroes needed were left here to defend it."  
Aria: "That's pretty harsh."  
Firion: "...I cannot BELIEVE you two!" *stomps in fully dressed* "How could you? Light! We set you up to get some booty! Why did you not take it?"  
Warrior of Light: "We've decided that we can't just have a relationship based on lust... that we want to wait until it's natural between us before engaging in that."  
Aria: "Ryoko is showing self restraint. Hold the fucking phone."  
Ryoko: "HEY."  
Aria: "Don't you remember... everyone else?"  
Ryoko: "Yeah, and you know why all of those failed?"  
Firion: "So based on previous experiences, she makes a change to do things differently. This is pretty smart."

*there is a loud knock on the door*

Ryoko: "It better not be Alis..." *goes to answer it, and finds Cecil Harvey standing there*  
Warrior of Light: "Cecil!"  
Cecil: "I hear you guys are the one who's getting peanut butter everywhere outside."  
Ryoko: "What are you talking about?"  
Firion: "...Cecil, what's wrong?"  
Ryoko: "Uh oh." *looks outside and Awkward Cloud is still raining to wash her clothes out* "Ah shit."  
Cecil: "I have come to punish you... in the NAME OF THE MOON!"  
Aria: "...what?"  
Cecil: "I am the defender of the moon! Cecil Harvey!"  
Ryoko: "...what?"  
Warrior of Light: "Oh Cosmos..."  
Cecil: "I'll defeat you!"

Moogle Narrator: "And next time, the group will have to face off with Cecil Harvey, who is claiming that he is the... defender of the moon, kupo... this job sucks, kupo." 


	6. Becoming a Heroine

Fanfiction: "Omake!" part 5 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOCs, sexual references, and lots of cursing

Disclaimer: The crap in this story belongs mostly to Square Enix and my friends.

...fic start!

Moogle Narrator: "Kupo, last time, when relationships were being sorted out between the Famicom family and the Ivalice Girls, the door burst open to reveal a very kupo Cecil Harvey ready to punish the group in the name of the moon. Kuupo..."

*cheesy Japanese theme song plays*

*everyone is together in the living room, while Cecil is standing in the doorway, posing like a certain magical girl who fights in the name of the moon*

Warrior of Light: "Cecil! What's happened? Why are you so upset?"  
Cecil: "When I arrived here, unable to return to my beloved Rosa and little son, I knew it was my destiny to help needy families in the slums of this town. I thought maybe, if I did enough good deeds here, that the Goddess of Fortune would shine upon me and allow me to go home to my family!"  
Aria: "This is Ivalice. The Goddess that ruled this realm abandoned it to fight some stupid constantly repeating war. There is no Goddess here. The Church here is full of crap, too. If you're looking for divinity to help you... there is none."  
Firion: "It's been hard for all of us, trying to find a new way to live. Light, Onion, and I... we became a family unit because we'd go insane without someone to lean on. Cecil, please-"  
Cecil: "No, the only family I have is in Baron! I need to get back to them!"  
Ryoko: "Cecil, there's no way to go back to worlds that don't exist."  
Cecil: "That's enough out of you!"  
Lynn: "It's true. None of you guys from the Dissidia war could go to your home worlds. We ran into Squall earlier."  
Warrior of Light: "Quite a ...squabble."  
Ryoko: XD Lynn: "Oh, Light, you can do better than that..."  
Cecil: "So, knowing the truth about you three women of Ivalice, perhaps if I slay you, I will earn enough positive karma to go home!"  
Firion: "No can do, Cecil. You might have had a family back in your home, but we never got one. I rebelled against an evil Emperor with my orphan friends, but I never had a family."  
Warrior of Light: "I don't even have a real name. I just knew I was a Warrior of Light from the time I was born."  
Onion Knight: "I'm an orphan, too."  
Ryoko: "Are you guys really gonna fight your friend?"  
Cecil: "They don't have a choice if they will get in my way of taking your life."  
Ryoko: "Exactly why do you want to kill me again?"  
Aria: "Something about that peanut butter fiasco, because she bathed out on the balcony, right?"  
Warrior of Light: "You... bathed on the balcony?" *blushes*  
Ryoko: "I did because I didn't want to keep you guys from taking a shower, and I have a friend who just happens to be a storm cloud."  
Firion: "How do you make those kinds of friends?"  
Ryoko: *shrugs*  
Cecil: "Yes! I am here to destroy the one who flooded my garden!"  
Lynn: "What does that have to do with-"  
Cecil: "All my vegetables will die from that nasty water. And I use those veggies to feed the homeless and jobless."  
Firion: "You didn't come feed us when we had no food in the fridge."  
Cecil: "I'd no idea you had problems with that, or I would have. But no matter. If you throw your lot in with evil, then I must destroy you utterly."  
Onion Knight: "Evil? Dude, these ladies aren't so evil, as much as they are neutral."  
Lynn: "That's not what you said earli-"  
Onion Knight: "Shut up, Lynn!"  
Cecil: "I will unleash the power of the moon unto you for your wrongdoings!"  
Ryoko: "...I have an idea. Cecil, I am extremely sorry about what happened, but you want to know where the water came from, right? Look out the window. See that? That's the Awkward Cloud. If you can manage to get rid of it, the nasty water will stop falling on your garden."  
Cecil: "Fine! I shall approach the Cloud about this, then." *walks out onto the balcony*  
Warrior of Light: "...this is..."  
Aria: "...awkward..."  
Ryoko: "I told you that's how I always get into these situations. Every time it rains on me, awkward shit happens."  
Aria: "But you asked it to!"  
Ryoko: "I don't regret it."  
Lynn: "You don't?"  
Ryoko: "No. Because I got a shower out of it, and if Cecil is successful, I'll never have to deal with the Awkward Cloud ever again."  
Warrior of Light: "Why do I feel like this is going to come back and be a problem of some sort?"  
Ryoko: "That, my love, is called foreshadowing. Foreshadowing is when you feel something is going to happen in the future and it eventually happens."  
Lynn: "You just gave spoilers. For our series."  
Ryoko: "Eh. I thought the plot was kind of predictable anyway, the way you guys like waving around the script."  
Warrior of Light: "That's a very lazy excuse, too..."  
Cecil: *ends up getting into a Dissidia style fight with the cloud, but because it's a cloud, Cecil can't exactly slice it to ribbons:  
Awkward Cloud: "How dare you attack me! You humans are so abusive!" *flies away crying*

*eventually, the skies grow dark and the entire town is covered in a thunderstorm*

Awkward Cloud: "YOU HUMANS! Igros shall suffer!"  
Cecil: *comes back in* "That totally worked. NOT."  
Firion: "...The obvious answer is to build up our levels and then engage Awkward Cloud in a final battle to save the town."  
Onion Knight: "That's always worked before."  
Cecil: "It has. All right, my friends, we must quest to save the town from the Awkward Cloud!"  
Firion: "We have to assign party duties. I'll be the hero."  
Warrior of Light: "No, no, you can't be the hero. I'm the hero."  
Onion Knight: "No, I'm the hero!"  
Lynn: "Actually, Ryoko should be the hero."  
Ryoko: "what."  
Aria: "This IS all your fault. So you have to atone for what you've done wrong."  
Cecil: "Yes, this makes plenty of sense."  
Aria: "You got the Awkward Cloud involved. And it's ruined everyone's life!"  
Ryoko: "You're severely exaggerating the situation."  
Lynn: "And we have the perfect party, right here! You're the hero. Light here is your love interest. I'm the always-perky-but-not-always-useful-chick. Onion is the character who starts of weak but grows really fast. Firion's the douche-"  
Firion: "Wow, that's classy, Lynn."  
Lynn: "Shut up, Firion! You're the total douche on the outside but you're a super softy inside and the journey makes you open up. Aria is your team fanservice that all of the fanfic writers of this RPG will pair you up with instead of with your actual canon love interest, of course."  
Cecil: "And what am I?"  
Lynn: "You're that... extra guy? You could be the team pet."  
Cecil: "I feel so loved."  
Aria: "Don't worry, Cecil. You're the guy who manages all our equipment."  
Cecil: "Then I am the Button Mashing God?"  
Ryoko: "Whoa, don't put that much power into Cecil's hands!"  
Cecil: "Aww."  
Warrior of Light: "There's no reason to argue so much over who is who like this. What matters is that we bond together as friends to stop the Awkward Cloud from causing any more awkwardness."  
Lynn: *points out the window* "It's too late for that."

*outside, there is a man holding up a ten layer cake in one hand and sword fighting a turkey wearing tapshoes with a swordfish with his other hand, while a bunch of scarecrows wearing ninja outfits are applauding them*

Cecil: "I shall find the rest of Cosmos' warriors, so we can all help you!"  
Warrior of Light: "No. This is something that Ryoko started. This is HER adventure. However, if you want to all set up shops all along the path of the story with increasingly powerful items at increasingly more expensive prices, we'd be much appreciated."  
Firion: "Yeah, that'd really help. Also inns, too."  
Cecil: "I will do just that! I wish for your success! If you need sidequests, you can find me in the center of town. I'll always have sidequests for you!"  
Warrior of Light: "That's wonderful! Thank you, my friend."  
Cecil: "Anything for you guys." *leaves*  
Ryoko: "I'm... not sure what to make of this, really."  
Lynn: "Be happy! You're no longer a side character! Now you're a main character in an RPG! And we're all your party, which you have to lead and build relationships with! Of course, the canon ending will be you and Light!"

*the oven beeps extremely loudly*

Aria: "Dinner's ready! Let's rest up tonight before we set off on our adventure to save Igros."  
Firion: "I agree!"  
Warrior of Light: "...I never thought I'd be just a playable character. Not the main character. It's going to be strange, not having to lead everyone."  
Firion: "Since I'm the douche, that means I get to rebel and put the hero down for disagreeing with how I want to go about the story."  
Aria: "Does that mean you'll betray us a few times?" *gets out dinner and puts it on the table* "Eat up, everyone. Baked chocobo breast with noodles and dumplings."  
Firion: "I would betray the team, sure, but the only reason I keep coming back is a love triangle I'll never actually be victorious in."  
Lynn: "Or you'll sell us out to the bad guys to have your chance at winning it, by force."  
Aria: "No, I was hoping that we'd just be a team made of three couples."  
Ryoko: "Don't suggest that! It means the Awkward Cloud will kidnap Light!"  
Warrior of Light: "I'd rather there not be a love triangle."  
Aria: "Yeah, no need to take my man when you have yours."  
Firion: "Okay, so, I won't be in a love triangle. But I could secretly be working for the bad guy, or maybe a part of their secret organization that the party doesn't know about?"

*everyone sits down and eats. lots of laughs are shared*

Lynn: "We're all ready a family! Ryoko and Light make a great mom and dad!"  
Onion Knight: "It's all I ever wanted!" *sheds happy tears*  
Ryoko: "We're not married yet..."  
Firion: "You might as well be."  
Aria: "Yeah. But we can't have the wedding until the big bad is defeated."  
Warrior of Light: "Or we could never quite officially be canon and the fans just assume we get married."  
Firion: "I don't think the script would really agree with that idea."  
Ryoko: *forgot her lines, so she's gone to read the script* "This fanfic doesn't really seem to have a set story. Have you noticed that?"  
Firion: "Well... duh."  
Ryoko: "No. If you open the script, all it says is 'get Ryoko and Warrior of Light together' and 'be as random as hell'. No wonder the moogle narrator didn't know what happened before!"  
Aria: "Like Firion said. 'Duh'."  
Ryoko: "There used to be a story in here!"  
Warrior of Light: "...oh, hon, you're just tired."  
Ryoko: "I SWEAR there was an actual story in this thing."  
Aria: "Look, your delusions are kicking in again."  
Lynn: "You should go sleep. We've had such an eventful day!"  
Aria: "Our big quest starts tomorrow, so you better get lots of rest."  
Ryoko: *gets up* "Fine..." *shuffles off to her room*  
Warrior of Light: "Should I...?"  
Lynn: "Don't ask us."  
Firion: "Do what you feel is best."  
Warrior of Light: "Everyone talking like they're from an RPG is all ready getting annoying."  
Onion Knight: "Mom needs her rest, you should go with her, Dad."  
Firion: "Yeah. Go comfort her."  
Onion Knight: "LIKE A BOSS."  
Warrior of Light: "...I'll go clean out my armor..." *walks off*

*a few moments pass*

Firion: "Heh heh, so who stole her copy of the actual script?"  
Aria: *raises hand* "As long as those two get together, who cares what the actual story is, right? I thought the idea of fighting Cecil was kinda stupid."  
Lynn: "Who'd want to fight a handsome guy like that?"  
Aria: *whacks Lynn on the back of her head* "Don't pull a Ryoko. The truth is, I didn't want there to be fighting in the apartment. If all of us fight at full blast, the entire apartment building would actually be ground into dust."  
Lynn: "You sure it just wouldn't turn into an RPG battlefield where the surroundings are just a background and not like a fighting game where the stage can get destroyed?"  
Aria: "Wait, so if you guys consider Light your dad, and they get married, we wouldn't be able to have a relationship, Firion."  
Lynn: "That is some Marmalade Boy shit right there."  
Aria: "I know..."  
Onion Knight: "No, like I said before, we just troll him."  
Firion: "Do you consider Ryoko your mom?"  
Lynn: "No, Aria's more the mom than Ryoko is."  
Aria: "No shit."  
Onion Knight: "Then if Aria and Firion want to date, then it's all clear."  
Firion: "...my last girlfriend had purple hair."  
Aria: "My last boyfriend was a lobster."  
Everyone else: O_O Aria: "Ryoko named him 'Lobster Boy'. He wasn't really a lobster."  
Lynn: "My last boyfriend was a pervert and had silver hair... Firion, you really could be related to him."  
Onion Knight: "What about Ryoko? What was her last boyfriend like?"  
Lynn: "From what universe? She dated a prince for a while."  
Aria: "Yeah and she dated an angel for a long while, too. I think she still talks to him regularly. Don't think they're active as a couple, but I'm sure they still talk. Every time a relationship fails, she heads back to him for a bit."  
Lynn: "Then she dated someone from around here, who we're not allowed to mention."  
Aria: "That was a fiasco..."  
Onion Knight: "Oh. Wow."  
Firion: "And she says she's not had that many boyfriends..."  
Lynn: "No one is supposed to know she's traveled through the multiverse boundaries."  
Aria: "Officially, she's only dated the one guy from here, so don't say anything about it."  
Onion Knight: "Of course. We don't want to scare Light away from her."

~in the guest room:

Warrior of Light: *polishing his armor*  
Ryoko's voice: *from the other side of the hallway* "What am I gonna do?"  
Warrior of Light: *looks up*  
Ryoko's voice: "I started this whole mess... Igros is doomed unless I defeat the Awkward Cloud..."  
Warrior of Light: *puts his armor away and walks across the hall* "Knock knock."  
Ryoko: "You can come in."  
Warrior of Light: *walks in* "I... I heard you talking to yourself. I decided I that I would come and... try to comfort you."  
Ryoko: *sitting on her bed* "That's nice of you. You know what it's like for a whole world to be on your shoulders, don't you? I'm sure that if I don't stop Awkward Cloud, the entire land of Ivalice will be in danger."  
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko." *walks to stand next to her* "Calm down. You'll be fine. You just have to gain levels, go through the story, and then defeat him with a powerful divine weapon and the help of your friends. That's all it takes to beat any RPG. This one will be no different."  
Ryoko: "I've played enough RPGs, Light. I know how they work."  
Warrior of Light: "Then what's wrong?"  
Ryoko: "I've never had the tenacity to sit and grind to gain levels. I've always just rushed through the story."  
Warrior of Light: "...really?"  
Ryoko: "Few games have ever held my attention enough to actually grind in them. This worries me. I'll take you guys to a battle you can't win at some point."  
Warrior of Light: "No. We will help you do it properly."  
Ryoko: "Typically, it's all up to the Button Mashing God..."  
Warrior of Light: "This is a very difficult situation."  
Ryoko: "I'm rather scared."  
Warrior of Light: "Let's hope the Button Mashing God knows what they're doing." *kneels down next to her* "This RPG won't be much different than the others. I'm quite sure."  
Ryoko: "To be at the mercy of a Button Mashing God... again..." *shudders*  
Warrior of Light: "You'll be fine." *kisses her cheek*  
Ryoko (thinking): "MUST NOT THROW INTO BED. MUST NOT THROW INTO BED. MUST NOT THROW INTO BED."  
Warrior of Light: "...what's wrong?"  
Ryoko: "Absolutely nothing." *glomps*

Moogle Narrator: "And so, the next day, the group of heroes would venture to save Igros from the enemy they created, kupo. ...I still hate my job, kupo." 


	7. Lynn's Extremely Bad Day

Fanfiction: "Omake!" part 6 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Humor / Romance / Parody Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, lots of cursing

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.

...fic start!

Moogle Narrator: "I didn't quite get what happened last time, kupo. I think that Cecil made an enemy of the Awkward Cloud, kupo, but he pushed the fight onto Ryoko's shoulders. Kupo, he's lazier than Artemecion!"  
Artemecion: "KUUUPO. Stiltzkin, why did you get Mognet involved in this fic, Kupo!"  
Stiltzkin: "Mogrika said it would be a good idea, Kupo."  
Artemecion: "Mogrika is stupid, Kupo. All she thinks of is being beautiful, kupo. If she AND Nono backed this up, then you know it's a failure."  
Stiltzkin: "Hey, kupo. You should do your duty, kupo. Send all the moogles out to Igros, Ivalice. They're gonna need save points, kupo."  
Artemecion: "...kupo, only if we get to make them deliver our mail, too!"  
Stiltzkin: "Fine, Kupo."

*cheesy J-rock song plays*

Ryoko: *wakes up, finding herself snuggled into Warrior of Light's arms, but they're both dressed* "Hmmmm...?" *hears the raging thunderstorm outside* "Oh... I do not want to go anywhere today."  
Warrior of Light: "You don't have a choice, Miss Heroine."  
Ryoko: "You're awake?"  
Warrior of Light: "Nights in Cornelia only lasted a few seconds..."  
Ryoko: "So you're fully rested after a few seconds of sleep?"  
Warrior of Light: "Indeed."  
Ryoko: "So you've... been holding me all this time?"  
Warrior of Light: "I have. You just feel asleep while talking. I thought I'd be of more use here than in one of the guest beds."  
Ryoko: *blushes* "It was nice of you."  
Warrior of Light: *gets up* "You should prepare yourself. We have a quest to start."  
Ryoko: "Yep." *walks to the closet and looks back* "I should take on a job more suited to the role of a party leader." *lets out a purple aura* "Job Change! Samurai!" *her dress becomes all black, and her dark hair is pulled into a large ponytail. a katana appears on the right side of her waist, and a shield on her right hand* "Well... what do you think, Light?"  
Warrior of Light: *blink blink* "You look like a true warrior..."  
Ryoko: "Mages aren't warriors?"  
Warrior of Light: "That's not what I meant-"  
Ryoko: "It's okay, Light. I understand. You don't like mages..."  
Warrior of Light: "I never said I didn't like mages!"  
Ryoko: *winks at him* "I'm just teasing you."  
Warrior of Light: "You've changed. Your job has changed your demeanor..."  
Ryoko: "It's true. I tend to be more confident when I'm geared for physical combat." *walks out of her room* "All right, everyone! Gear up! We move out to defeat the Awkward Cloud in twenty minutes!"  
Warrior of Light: "...she has more force than I did." *blushes* "That's... charming." *follows her out*

*Onion Knight runs out of the guest room, fully geared up, followed by Firion and his mass of eight weapons strapped to his back. Lynn comes out rubbing her eyes, in her pijamas. Aria is in the kitchen and has a stack of pancakes ready*

Aria: "We'll eat before we go."  
Onion Knight: "You're all ready armored up?"  
Aria: "Yeah. I kept hearing noises outside that sounded like gay dragons humping a pile of station wagons the last two hours."  
Firion: "Wait... how do you know what gay dragons sound like, exactly?"  
Onion Knight: "And what's a station wagon?"  
Warrior of Light: "How... did you know they were humping?"  
Aria: "The sound of the rythym sounded like natural thrusting... and gay dragons make a different sound than straight dragons. Especially when they finish. As far as station wagons, Onion... eh, I'll tell you when you're older."  
Onion Knight: "Oh poopie darn."  
Firion: "Watch your mouth, bro."  
Onion Knight: "Shut the fuck up, ass-bro." *throws a pancake in Firion's face*  
Warrior of Light: "You two, knock it off! We have a quest to start when we're done eating." *goes to get a plate of pancakes but notices the stack is all gone* "Aww."  
Ryoko: "Here. Take this." *hands him her plate and looks over* "Lynn, that bath towel is not a pancake."  
Lynn: "W... wha...?"  
Ryoko: "Wake up!"  
Lynn: "I'm awake." *spits out towel* "Aria, your pancakes taste like towels."  
Aria: "You were eating a towel."  
Lynn: "I thought the texture was all weird." *stretches* "Good morning, everyone!"

*no one responds*

Lynn: "Well, fuck you too." *walks off to get ready to go*  
Onion Knight: "She's so easily upset."  
Aria: "It's just an age thing."

*they all finish eating breakfast and are stuffed*

Lynn: "I'm ready to eat now!" *comes out ready for breakfast, but it's all gone* "This is just not my day!"  
Aria: "We're about to leave, get it all together! Potions, extra equipment, phoenix downs, elixirs if you've got 'em. Let's move!"  
Lynn: :'(

*everyone is battle ready and standing at the front door*

Ryoko: "All right! Awkward Cloud, be prepared to be defeated!"  
Everyone else: "YEEEEEAH!"

*they leave the apartment building. Outside, there's all sorts of weird ass things going on. Sentient cars wrestling gigantic tuna cans full of dolls. Cheetahs racing up the sides of buildings and eating the bricks at the top of the buildings. And it is in the middle of a goddamn thundershower, too.*

Firion: "You know that expression 'when pigs fly'?"  
Aria: "I've heard of it."

*a pack of winged pigs fly by*

Lynn: "...I suppose now the Guildmaster will let me stay up until midnight. Oh if I still lived at the Warrior's Guild in Zeltienna! I swear, today just sucks for me!"  
Ryoko: "Hmmm. I suppose we should talk to NPCs to gather information about the first part of our quest."  
Warrior of Light: "A most excellent idea!"  
Firion: "We'll split up into groups to cover more ground. Meet over there-"

*Firion points at a table next to a very pretty fountain*

Firion: "in twenty minutes."  
Lynn: "Are you sure that's gonna be enough time?"  
Onion Knight: "How many NPCs are usually around in a town to talk to?"  
Lynn: "...good point."  
Aria: "Okay then. Ryoko, you go with Light. Lynn, you go with Onion. And sexy-boy will come with me."  
Onion: "I thought I was going with Lynn?"  
Firion: "Bro, she said 'sexy' not 'shorty'."  
Ryoko: "Funny, I thought Light was coming with me."  
Aria: "Argh... I meant Firion is coming with me."  
Ryoko and Onion: "Firion? Sexy?" XD Aria: "Just shut up and go talk to NPCs!"

*the screen goes dark and when it fades back in, Mog from FF6 is there standing between 16-bit pictures of Ryoko, Lynn, and Aria*

Mog: "And now, you'll have to decide who's scenario you want to see first, kupo. Don't worry, kupo, you'll see all of them eventually."

*an arrow appears, and it goes over each of them once, but stops at Ryoko the second time around the circle*

Mog: "Ryoko and the Warrior of Light head over to a cafe to talk to all of the NPCs there..."

*the scene fades back into normal PSP graphics, to Ryoko and Light in a cafe*

Ryoko: "Hi there!"  
NPC1: "Hi! Welcome to Igros!"  
Ryoko: "I'm looking for information to defeat the Awkward Cloud."  
NPC1: "Hi! Welcome to Igros!"  
Ryoko: "You know, I would crack a joke, but it's nothing that 8-bit Theatre and RPG World hasn't all ready covered about this scenario."  
Warrior of Light: "...this guy over here said the king is acting strangely."  
Ryoko: "That's a typical RPG adventure hook. But Igros doesn't have a king."  
NPC2: "Save the princess!"  
NPC3: "Bless the Crystals!"  
NPC4: "I VOTED FOR NADER. I HATE EVERYTHING!"  
Warrior of Light: "I get the feeling we're stuck with NPCs that are actually from old NES era games."  
Ryoko: "And one guy who came from an online parody show."  
Warrior of Light: "This is incredibly..."  
Ryoko: "...awkward."  
NPC5: "Are you guys lost or something? Everyone in here just repeats the same line over and over again."  
Warrior of Light: "We're here to stop the Awkward Cloud which has brought about this storm of Awkwardness to Igros!"  
Ryoko: "Yep! That's us!"  
NPC5: "The storm just came out of nowhere yesterday. The rainbow appeared then." *the word rainbow is said in a special way that makes it sound incredibly important*  
Ryoko: "That's weird."  
Warrior of Light: "What is?"  
NPC5: "The storm just came out of nowhere yesterday. The rainbow appeared then." *the word rainbow is said in a special way that makes it sound incredibly important*  
Ryoko: "The way he said 'rainbow'."

*there is a weird sound that everyone in the room hears*

NPC5: "The Rainbow appeared yesterday. It spans from the corner where the fountain is all the way to 665th avenue."  
Ryoko: "I'm confused."  
Warrior of Light: "I think we've found the clue we need. Let's head back to meet the others."

*the screen fades out again to the select screen with Mog*

Mog: "Who's scenario will you see next?"

*the arrow hovers over Lynn for a really long time, and then moves over to Aria really fast before fading back to Aria's scene*

Aria: "Firion, can I ask you something?"

*they're walking together to a supply store*

Firion: "Sure."  
Aria: "How do you feel about crotchless panties?"

*suddenly lightning strikes! There stands a pink polka-dotted rhubarb the size of an elephant wearing full plate armor wielding a lance twice its size. It has incredibly tiny, stubby legs and looks like it could fall over at any moment.*

Firion: "What in the holy name of tit-licking is THAT."  
Aria: "...I guess we have a boss fight!"  
Firion: "Looks like it!"  
Rhubarb: "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Aria: "It's a boss fight, duh."  
Rhubarb: "DO NOOOT FIIIIGHT MEEEEEE. YOOOOU CAN NOOOOT WIN. I NEEEEEEEEED YOOOOOUR HELP! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Aria: "Is there a chance you can talk normally?"  
Rhubarb: "Yeah I don't see why not."  
Firion: "...what."  
Rhubarb: "I am Benjamibobertony! I come from the land of the Rhubarbs to find a luminescent Fertilizer to save my family!  
Firion: *facepalm* "Tell me he's a sidequest or a minigame or something..."  
Aria: "I don't know. Well, err... Benjiamibobertony... we're all ready on a quest to help our friend be rid of the Awkward Cloud that is terrorizing Igros. If you could just... umm... wait until that quest is over, then we can help you?"  
Benjiamibobertony: "Awkward Cloud! That must be the bastard that ruined the fields of the Rhubarbs, where my brothers Julianorlandon Donnovan and Gabrielizellen are dying! I will join your cause!"  
Firion: "You have GOT to be kidding."  
Aria: "Shush, Firion! ...The thing is our party is full! To the maximun capacity!"  
Benjiamibobertony: "I can't be a guest?"  
Aria: "...fuck. We'll have to take him with us when we meet the others."  
Firion: "Dammit. Let's head to that fountain."

*the scene fades to black and goes back to the scene where Mog is*

Mog: "You just didn't want to see Lynn's story, did you?"

*the scene fades back to normal, where Lynn is with Onion Knight at an outdoor festival*

Lynn: "God I am so hungry..."  
Onion Knight: "Smells great around here."  
Lynn: "You have any gil on you?"  
Onion Knight: "No, but I might know where to get some."  
Lynn: "You're not stealing it."  
Onion Knight: "Nope." *wanders off for a moment*  
Lynn: "Ohhhh... I smell..." *sniffs* "Oh that's delcious. It's..."

*walks up to a pizza stand*

Lynn: "A breadcrust coated with tomato sauce, pieces of meat, veggies, and cheese! What a wonderous thing to discover when you're famished!"  
NPC6: "Hiya can I interest you in anything?"

*goes to a shop menu where Lynn is down below, and the only thing in the inventory box to the left is 'Slice of Pizza' for 200 Gil*

Lynn: "do WHAT. 200 Gil for a piece of Pizza? That's outrageous!"  
NPC6: "Then GTFO."

*goes back to normal graphics*

Lynn: "Today REALLY isn't my day."  
NPC6: "Did you know that if you buy enough pieces of pizza, then you can get this super-special-awesome-one-of-a-kind ticket which will get you one free item at the weapons store?"  
Lynn: "I can't even afford one."  
NPC6: "Wah wah junkie."  
Lynn: "...fuck you, asshole." *stomps off* "Hmm..."  
Onion Knight: "You look mad."  
Lynn: "It's been like this since I woke up."  
Onion Knight: "Well, you know what? I went to the weapon shop and they have this Rainbow Colored Super Special Awesome Sword! They said that you need a ticket to get it. Apparently, it's good for slaying weather related enemies."  
Lynn: "That sounds like something that could really help the quest."  
Onion Knight: "We should head back to the fountain so we can talk to everyone!"

*everyone meets at the statue*

Ryoko: "So, something about the rainbow..."  
Aria: "Have we got something to tell you!"  
Lynn: "Me, too!"  
Warrior of Light: *sees Benjiamibobertony* "...umm..."  
Firion: "You are not gonna believe this shit."  
Onion: "I don't believe it all ready."  
Ryoko: "You guys go first, please. I have to know why you have a gigantic rhubarb in fucking armor following you around."  
Aria: "He wants revenge against the Awkward Cloud. I told him our party was full. Maybe he knows something about how to defeat it?"  
Benjiamibobertony: "I know many things! But how to defeat my arch nemesis, I am not sure... I am sure his weakness has something to do with the rainbow."  
Warrior of Light: "Yes, we heard there's a road that starts somewhere around here and leads to 665th avenue. To his castle. It's made of rainbows or something like that."  
Onion Knight: "Well at the weapons store there's this really, really expensive sword that is practically made of rainbows! But there's no way we'd be able to afford it!"  
Lynn: "Yes there is! We just have to get the golden ticket from the pizza stand to get that glowing sword! We have to buy a lot of pizza and we get the ticket!"  
Benjiamibobertony: "If you can put what I know to good use, then perhaps I do not need to accompany you to defeat the Awkward Cloud..."  
Ryoko: "We thank you for your information. Please, if you need our help after this adventure, we will help you!"  
Benjiamibobertony: "I will wait for you here in town. See me when you are finished." *vanishes into thin air*  
Firion: "Finally..." *grumble*  
Warrior of Light: "Then we need to get that sword! Lynn! Take us to that pizza stand!"

*they go to the pizza stand*

Lynn: "Here it is! Say, mister, how much do we have to pay to get that golden ticket you mentioned?"  
NPC6: "About a million gil's worth."  
Ryoko: "How much is that sword at the shop?"  
Onion Knight: "I didn't ask. They said it was priced so high that no normal person could get it with just cash."  
Warrior of Light: "The only answer we have is to grind for gil."  
Firion: "Do you know how much time that would take?"  
Onion Knight: "We don't have a choice. We're gonna need a supernatural weapon to defeat Awkward Cloud!"  
Ryoko: "...Aria... do you still have those fingerless gloves?"  
Aria: "The ones from Expel?"  
Ryoko: "The very same."  
Aria: "The rules here are different! And you don't have a poker face! You couldn't think of that, and it would kill your relationship values with Light!"  
Ryoko: "Aww nerts."  
Lynn: "Wait, I have this!" *holds out a Blue Sephira* "If you equip it, you get 100 percent more gald!"  
Ryoko: "The enemies here drop GIL, not GALD."  
Lynn: "Dammit."  
Warrior of Light: "Then what are we gonna do?"  
Onion Knight: "Steal the sword, of course."  
Firion: "From a weapon shop, that will not be easy."  
Onion Knight: "No... even better!" *glares at the pizza stand guy* "Guys, head to the weapon shop. I have an idea!"  
Firion: "What?"  
Onion Knight: "Just trust me." *evil grin*

*Everyone else leaves to the weapon shop*

Onion Knight: "Hey mister, can I work for you?"  
NPC6: "Sure. Free pizza. All you can eat."  
Onion Knight: "Awesome. Go take a break."  
NPC6: "Before I do, though, anyone who buys a million gil worth of pizza gets this shiny gold ticket." *shows him the secret place it's kept* "See? It's a shiny ticket! It's good for one free weapon at the weapon shop. Anything in the whole store!"  
Onion Knight: "Oooh nice."  
NPC6: *goes on break*  
Onion Knight: *looks around, swipes the ticket, takes two boxes of pizza, and runs like hell to the weapons shop*

~At the weapons shop:

Warrior of Light: "And so I said, 'well that's just a sword.'"  
Ryoko: ROFLMAO.  
Firion: "These jokes are all starting to sound familiar..."  
Aria: "Hey look, it's Onion!"  
Onion Knight: "Hey Lynn, chow down!" *gives her a box of pizza*  
Lynn: *starry eyed* "You're AWESOME. I am SO HUNGRY!"  
Onion Knight: "As for you, Ryoko, here." *gives here the golden ticket* "Get that fucking sword and let's get the fuck out of this side of town, all right?"  
Ryoko: "What did you do?"  
Onion Knight: "...nothing, just get your goddamn sword."  
Ryoko: *goes up to the counter* "Hi!"  
NPC7: "I see you have the golden shiny ticket! Here! Have the Heavenly Rainbow Saber!" *just hands her the sword and the ticket disentegrates*  
Ryoko: "It's... a powerful sword." *holds it*  
Lynn: "But you can't use it, can you?"  
Ryoko: "I'll work with it... it's worth it, to stop Awkward Cloud!"  
Warrior of Light: "Hey look, it's a twirly bright shiny dusty thing over here."  
Aria: "That's a save point, Light."  
Ryoko: "Let's hit it up for now."

*they save their game*

Artemecion: "Kupo, the group now has the Heavenly Rainbow Saber! But will the shopkeep want revenge? Will the new sword help stop Awkward Cloud, kupo? Find out next time on... "OMAKE!" kupo!" 


	8. Alis and the Airship

Fanfiction: "Omake!" part 7 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, and lots of cursing.

Disclaimer: You should know by now. By the good grace of Cosmos herself, I don't own shit.

...fic start!

Artemecion: "Kuuupo, last time, everyone gathered clues to figure out what to do next. Onion Knight stole a ticket to get Ryoko the most powerful sword used for slaying weather-type enemies, kupo, which the Awkward Cloud just happens to be. Somehow, kupo, I can't imagine what will happen next."

*cheesy romantic Japanese song by Kaito plays*

Ryoko: *dancing*  
Warrior of Light: "...don't be offended by this, but, are you okay?"  
Ryoko: "Well, didn't you just hear Kaito? He's adorable for a singing computer program."  
Aria: "Yeah but I don't think we were supposed to hear it in-universe."  
Firion: "Truthfully, I keep getting surprised over and over about the low production values of this fanfic. Seriously, who paid the gigantic rhubarb from last episode?"  
Lynn: "You're never going to get over that, are you?"  
Firion: "No! Never in all my questing and time as a main hero did I ever hear about a land of gigantic, sentient vegetables!"  
Onion Knight: "Well aren't you just a poor sport, bro."  
Firion: "I swear I'm going to kick you so hard you're sent to the moon!"  
Voice: "DID SOMEONE SAY MOON?"  
Warrior of Light: "...oh Cosmos, not again..."

*Cecil Harvey bursts in the door, posing like Sailor Moon*

Cecil: "In the name of the moon... oh hey guys."  
Firion: -_-  
Onion Knight: "Goddess Almighty, you're so hokey."  
Warrior of Light: "Hi, Cecil. What brings you here?"  
Cecil: "Anyone mentions the word 'moon', and I can hear it."  
Lynn: "Really good hearing, huh?"  
Cecil: "I hear... whispers from the moon."  
Aria: "Okay, someone put this nutcake in the asylum. Now."  
Cecil: "I've always wanted to go back to the moon..."  
Ryoko: "You'll die up there. It's so cold and there's no atmosphere at all."  
Cecil: "LIES! Have you ever been to the moon?"  
Lynn: "Well... no."  
Cecil: "I HAVE! And we were able to walk on the surface without bouncing around, we went to meet the God of the Summons in his dungeon, and we defeated Zemus in the moon's core! It was not absolutely freezing and I certainly could breathe!"  
Aria: "...and Luna was imprisoned on the moon for one thousand years, too."  
Lynn: "You really are a pony nerd, aren't you?"  
Aria: "YES."  
Ryoko: "Are you saying that our government would LIE to us about the moon, Cecil?"  
Cecil: "It is a place of power and grace. Says so on my sword."  
Ryoko: "And you believe your... sword?"  
Cecil: "Well I've been there. So I know it's true."  
Lynn: "Everyone, do me a favor and never say the word 'moon' ever again."  
Cecil: "WHY DID YOU SAY MOON?"  
Onion Knight: "...yeeeah."  
Warrior of Light: "Cecil, we must resume our quest. I am sorry to leave you like this, but we really must defeat Awkward Cloud before the awkwardness gets any worse."  
Cecil: "Okay then. If you ever need me, you know the word to say!" *immediately runs out at top speed* "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH EVILDOERS!"  
Firion: "Let's finish this adventure. It's freaking me the everlasting fuck out."  
Warrior of Light: "Losing his family really has done a number on him. Being stranded like this in Ivalice... it messes with all of us."  
Onion Knight: "Light's right."  
Ryoko: "Okay, let's go find that path of the rainbow the cafe owner told us about."

*they leave the weapons shop and head back to the fountain amid the thunderstorm*

Aria: "I can't see shit. All this rain."  
Lynn: "We need a gigantic umbrella."  
Onion Knight: "I don't see anything that looks like it would be a rainbow path anywhere around here."  
Warrior of Light: "Based on previous questing experiences, I would suggest using a key item to reveal the path."  
Ryoko: *holds up the Rainbow sword* "Haaaaaaaaaa!"

*nothing happens*

Ryoko: *tries again* "Haaaaaa...aaaaaa...aaaa?"  
Lynn: "All those dramatics accomplished absolutely nothing."  
Aria: "Yep. It's official. You're a lame main character."  
Ryoko: "Shut up, you two!" *starts to put the sword away, but trips and accidentally smashes a rock with the rainbow sword, revealing a glowy stream of light* "...do what?"  
Aria: "I stand corrected. You're a pathetic main character."  
Ryoko: "I pulled a Collete. IT'S THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE."  
Firion: "Collete?"  
Aria: "Don't mind her, she's having an out-of-game-universe moment."  
Firion: "This entire fic is an out-of-game-universe moment."  
Warrior of Light: "Hmmm. This looks really familiar." *walks up to it* "I remember this from the Dissidia War! Look guys!" *gets on it and slides really fast* "I didn't think we'd find this kind of traveling again."  
Firion: "Finally! Something normal!" *hops on it*  
Onion Knight: *gets on it* "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!"  
Aria: "That looks like fun."  
Lynn: "Sure does."  
Ryoko: "I have to fix my status as a Collete arch-type character before it's too late! Come on, you two, the guys are all ready ahead of us now..."  
Aria: *walks up to it and hops on* "Wheeeeeeeeee!"  
Lynn: "Don't forget your friendly neighborhood Onion Knight in training." *gets on it* "It's like surfing on a glowly extendable wave board!"  
Ryoko: *walks up to it* "I'm going to hate this, aren't I?" *looks up for a moment and notices a circle glowing above her head with a triangle on it* "What in the name of chocolate cheesecake is that? ...uh oh." *her body loses control and jumps on the ray of light without her being ready* "DAMN YOU, BUTTON MASHING GOD!"

*they all land in a different part of town, where it's dark and dreary. the rain has let up, but it certainly isn't a normal place. It feels run down and musky, like an extremely wet ghost town*

Ryoko: "...what the hell. The Button Mashing God totally threw me off. What a dick."  
Warrior of Light: "He, in all his powerful might, is indeed a dick."  
Firion: "I didn't think people with your sort of manners talked like that, Light."  
Warrior of Light: "Even with my verbose vocabulary, I will not hesitate to call someone what they are."  
Firion: "Fair enough."  
Aria: "This place smells like rotten fish, week old bread, and porn."  
Lynn: "...how do you know what porn smells like?"  
Aria: "That's what the internet is for!" *makes an ^_^ anime smile*  
Lynn: "That joke was really, really bad."  
Ryoko: "Ah whatever. Let's just go toward that..."

*everyone looks ahead. there's a really tall castle made of clouds up ahead with thunder going off all the time.*

Ryoko: "Yeah. That."  
Lynn: "Wait a minute. Can't you hear that?"  
Onion Knight: "Incoming!"

*the ground rumbles, and in comes Sephiroth riding a huge Tickle-Me-Elmo like it's some kind of lion*

Sephiroth: "And now... I have come to escort my beautiful princess home with me!"  
Ryoko: "Okay, I am confused. Really, really fucking confused."  
Sephiroth: "Ahh! Ryo-chan!" *jumps off of the Elmo* "I've looked everywhere for you... come home with me, please. Gariland was the best place for us."  
Ryoko: "Sephy, we're done."  
Sephiroth: "Awww. I suppose I don't have a choice then..." *gets out his seven foot long sword* "You'll have to fight to get past me."  
Ryoko: "Gladly!" *looks back at everyone else* "This... is a personal settling of my past! You'd better stay out of it!"  
Warrior of Light: "That sword is incredibly dangerous."  
Ryoko: "Oh it is. But that's fine, I can handle this."  
Warrior of Light: *looks at her sadly* "Be careful."  
Ryoko: "I always am." *rushes into battle with Sephiroth*  
Lynn: "Liar."  
Aria: "Total fucking liar, is more like it. I've never actually seen her be careful in battle."  
Firion: "Blunt as ever, aren't you?"  
Aria: "That's never changed."  
Lynn: "While she's fighting, we'll have to look for a way out. Then when we have it, we get her attention and all run together."  
Aria: "Did you just come up with a plan?"  
Lynn: "...don't be such a bitch."  
Aria: "I'm just surprised you've been using your brain so much."  
Lynn: "I think once this fic is over, I'm going to look for a new apartment."  
Warrior of Light: "I pray she is victorious."  
Firion: "Yeah buddy, no other girl's gonna wanna even get close to you."  
Onion Knight: "I dunno, there's a pack of rabid fangirls over there."

*nearby there is an electrical cage full of screaming girls from the ages of 12 to 40. they're all at least sightly overweight, wearing glasses, and have either PSP or DS carrying cases strapped to their bodies. Some are wearing superhero or video game quote tees. Some are cosplaying. they're all shouting things like 'save me, I'm yours!', 'ooooh what a hottie!' and 'BACK THE FUCK OFF, HE'S MINE, I SAW HIM FIRST.'*

Warrior of Light: "How frightening!"

*two Kingdom Hearts crossplayers start making out with each other*

Firion: "Let's hurry up and get the hell out of here!"

~meanwhile, in the battle with Sephiroth:

Ryoko: "You won't get past me, Asshat McFuckface."  
Sephiroth: "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to get past you."  
Ryoko: "So are you working for the Awkward Cloud. That's not very like you."  
Sephiroth: "How do you know what I'm like?"  
Ryoko: "We dated for a while? Duh?"  
Sephiroth: "Oh yeah. So we did."  
Ryoko: "Ugh, now I'm even more disgusted!" *swipes her sword at him, but misses*  
Sephiroth: *does his best Dhoulmagus impression* "What a pity." *stabs her with his sword, and it hits. HARD.*  
Ryoko: "GAHHHHH!"

~outside the battle:

Warrior of Light: "Ryoko?" Firion: "Bro, you jinxed her."  
Onion Knight: "Did not!"  
Warrior of Light: *gets an idea lightbulb* "Aria! Do you have a cellphone or something?"  
Aria: "Yeah, why?"  
Warrior of Light: "I just have to try something."  
Aria: "?" *hands him her phone*  
Warrior of Light: *scans through the numbers* "I figured Alis would be in here..." *presses call* "Answer, please... answer..."  
Alis (through phone): "Ryoko, sis, have I got something big to share with you! That deal I signed with Light Bright Studios has come to fruition!"  
Warrior of Light: "Miss Alis, I don't know you, and you don't know me, but someone you care about is in severe trouble right now."  
Alis (through phone): "...You're that widower with two kids and a dead-end job, aren't you?"  
Warrior of Light: "Who told you that? Whatever, I don't even care right now. Ryoko is locked in a battle with Sephiroth!"  
Alis (through phone): "Aw HELL no."  
Warrior of Light: "What's worse is, she's losing."  
Alis (through phone): "Hold on, I am on my way."  
Warrior of Light: "I don't think she has very long..."

~back in the battle:

Ryoko: "I have my pride. I will never submit!"  
Sephiroth: "I know. You never did. Such a stubborn little lady."  
Ryoko: "That's my best feature."  
Sephiroth: "No. The way you scream is your best feature." *casts Thundaga on Ryoko*  
Ryoko: *flops to the ground, wriggling in pain*  
Sephiroth: "You aren't screaming."  
Ryoko: "I will... never... give you the satisfaction... of making me scream in pain."  
Sephiroth: "You're making it really hard to get off on this."  
Ryoko: "THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING?" *gets up and rushes her katana into his left arm* "I am not some toy!"  
Sephiroth: "I beg to differ..." *pulls out her katana and tosses it at her feet* "Try again."  
Ryoko: "...this is it... I have so few HP left..."  
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko! Don't give up! Help it on its way."  
Ryoko: "Light, stay out of this!"  
Sephiroth: "Oh, I see how it is. Then... let me take this happiness away from you. That will strip you of your pitiful struggling, won't it?"  
Ryoko: "...no."  
Sephiroth: *rushes to battle with Warrior of Light instead*  
Ryoko: "NOOOOO!"

~just a few feet away:

Lynn: "I still can't find an opening anywhere. There's a petting zoo of zebra flamingos, an ice cream shop that sells nothing but sherbert, a gambling hall with no slot machines or poker tables, and a grilled cheese sandwhich stand." *is eating a sammich*  
Aria: "...whoa, what's that?"  
Lynn: "Where?"  
Aria: "Is that guy related to Sephiroth, maybe?"  
Lynn: "That guy with the long fluffy silver hair? Is he wearing a... a thong?"  
Kuja: "Hmmmmmm." *floats in* "What are you little things doing here? Don't you realize that Sephiroth is about to use his Supernova spell? You should hurry along."  
Aria: "But there's no exit in the way we need to go."  
Kuja: "Yeah. Sephy's good at that. I suppose you want to get to the Cloud Castle up ahead, don't you?"  
Lynn: *can't speak, her eyes are in the shape of hearts*  
Aria: "Oh no, not another one..."  
Kuja: "I know I'm flat out beautiful, girlie, but please don't stare. It's demeaning, even more a magnificent specimen as myself."  
Lynn: "You're so goddamn pretty..."  
Aria: "Aren't you like... with Onion or something?"  
Lynn: "Who?"  
Aria: *facepalm* "Okay, hairfeathers, we need a way out of here in the direction of the Cloud Castle, AND we need a way to save our friends from that maniac."  
Kuja: "I don't know if I want to get mixed up with that spell..." *casts Seraphic Star at Sephiroth, and it stops his charging at Warrior of Light*  
Sephiroth: "KUJA! HOW DARE YOU!"  
Kuja: "Our deal is off, you big lug! C'mon, ladies, gather your party. I'll show you a way out."  
Ryoko: *is so low on HP she can't move very well*  
Warrior of Light: *runs to her side* "You're alive..."  
Ryoko: "Yeah... I'll need an Elixir when we get to a safe spot."  
Warrior of Light: "We'll find one. I swear it."  
Sephiroth: "This isn't over yet!" *comes in from behind with his huge ass sword*  
Warrior of Light: "Oh SHIIIIIIII-"

*suddenly the entire area is firebombed from above*

Alis (from above): "That's for everything, Sephy!"  
Ryoko: "...Alis?"  
Alis (from above): "Good thing we still had this airship from the last time shit got hectic, eh?"  
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko, I called her. I thought you were going to die."  
Ryoko: "Thanks for your concern, Light..."  
Warrior of Light: "I... I don't want to ever lose you..."

*they kiss. it lasts entirely too damn long and sparkles are flying out everywhere because of it*

Onion Knight: "Ewww. Get a room, you two!"  
Sephiroth: *is a pile of ashes*  
Alis (from above): "Eh heh heh."  
Sephiroth: *ashes crackle from still being on fire*  
Firion: "Remind me to never get on that woman's bad side..."  
Aria: "...yeah, that's pretty intense."  
Lynn: *grunts and looks away* "Let's just find a way out of here, shall we?"  
Kuja: "With pleasure. All of the members of Miss Ryoko's party should follow me. I know a way to the Cloud Castle."

*they all manage to get together and follow Kuja to the next area, which is a huge set of stairs that extends as far as anyone can see*

Squall: "Hi guys!"  
Firion: "Whoa, you're wearing normal clothes?"  
Squall: "Haha, very funny."  
Onion Knight: "Are you gonna summon a gigantic toaster?"  
Squall: "I have a whole arsenal of gigantic toasters for all occasions."  
Ryoko: "...why are you here?"  
Alis: "To give you extra manpower. When I heard my older sister was getting herself into a situation where she could die, I knew I had to get involved."  
Ryoko: "You'll throw off the balance of this fanfic, and you know it."  
Alis: "I don't care. Squall and I are going to force our way into your party to help you defeat this... Cloud thing. But it's obvious you don't have the right junctions if you were getting your ass handed to you by Sephiroth."  
Ryoko: "I don't use the ridiculous junctioning system!"  
Alis: "Well, there's your answer. You know junctioning can be broken when set up right. You'd be undefeatable if you just set your stats up right."  
Lynn: "No sane person liked the junction system. The best development system was the job system in Final Fantasy V."  
Ryoko: "No! The best one was in Final Fantasy IX! Learning stuff off of your equipment was totally the best way to go about it."  
Aria: "You're all wrong. The best development system was in Tactics. You know, WHERE WE LIVE."  
Alis: "...I suppose I can't argue with that. Either way, we're here to support you, that way we can drag you off to the beach or shopping or some other whimsical desire I might have."  
Lynn: "Go back to your kink house in Gariland."  
Firion: "So it was YOU who Ryoko was talking about!"  
Alis: "There's only one person in all of Ivalice who has an entire kink house."  
Lynn: *groan* "I'll just exit stage right, thanks..."  
Ryoko: "Alis... thanks for your support, but we'll never get anything done with you here. Our party size is restricted to six. I'm not lying on this."  
Alis: *sadface* "You're not kidding, are you?"  
Ryoko: "We've had tons of adventures in the past..."  
Alis: "Fine, fine." *looks at Warrior of Light* "You... you're a nice guy. IF you EVER get thoughts of betraying Ryoko, I'll turn you into the same pile of ashes that I did Sephiroth!" *pulls out an Elixir and puts it in his hand* "So stop by when all of this is over, or call if you need me. I'll provide air support any time. ...C'mon Squall, let's go take the airship out for a joy ride!"  
Squall: "Another joyride, huh?"

*Alis and Squall leave*

Lynn: *sigh*  
Aria: "She has quite a bit of presence, doesn't she?"  
Lynn: "That's the least of it."  
Ryoko: "...it hurts..."  
Warrior of Light: *dumps the Elixir on her head and pretty sparkles heal her magically*  
Ryoko: "Oh much better!" *stands up on her own* "I'm fighting fit again!"  
Kuja: "Ahem! Up this flight of stairs is your castle. You'll find the Awkward Cloud lives within this fortress."  
Lynn: "Thank you so much, Kuja..."  
Onion Knight: "Why's a former Warrior of Chaos helping us?"  
Firion: "And why is Lynn swooning?"  
Lynn: *blushes* "I don't know what you're talking about!"  
Kuja: "She's swooning because I'm the most decadently dressed man she's ever seen..."  
Firion: "I haven't seen so much self-love since your last orgy, dude."  
Kuja: "I KNEW I recognized you! You're the one with that cute bubble butt."  
Lynn & Aria: O_O;;  
Firion: "Okay, so... I experimented a bit in the past..."  
Kuja: "Being bi is just one step away from being fully gay, you know."  
Lynn: "My poor dreams. You have crushed them. Kuja... how can you be so beautiful and then deny me the right to love you! You've probably broken so many hearts being like this!"  
Kuja: "Oh, sweetheart, it's not like that. If I liked girls, I would take you in a heartbeat. I love them young."  
Aria: "Okay, Kuja thank you so much for your help, but we really do need to be going."  
Kuja: "Any time, darlings~" *floats away*  
Lynn: "Dammit."  
Onion Knight: "Hey, Lynn...?"  
Lynn: "What?"  
Onion Knight: "Thanks for totally betraying me like that."  
Lynn: "I didn't betray you."  
Onion Knight: "No, but I... thought we had something."  
Lynn: "We might in the future... we might not..." *starts to go up the stairs* "I never really think of romance that much. Onion, you're like my best friend. I never saw you in a romantic light."  
Firion: "Friendzoned. Ouch."  
Onion Knight: "Shut up, bro."  
Firion: "You were dumped, bro."  
Ryoko: "Let's go take down that stupid cloud once and for all."  
Warrior of Light: "Agreed."

Artemecion: "And so, kupo, our heroes started to climb the stairs. Will they reach the top in time to defeat the Awkward Cloud? Find out next time, kupo!"

*the credits roll with Ryoko and Light singing a duet version of "One Love" by Pat Benatar* 


	9. The Emperor's New Plan

Fanfiction: "Omake!" part 8 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, and lots of cursing

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, so don't sue me, you'll be wasting your money you could be using to spend on weed. Weed is how this story makes sense.

...fic start!

Artemecion: "And so our heroes stood at the bottom of the largest flight of stairs they'd ever seen, kupo. One must wonder if Kuja was right about where it leads, kupo."

*cheesy dramatic Japanese rock song plays as the theme song*

Ryoko: "I'm not getting any closer to slaying the Awkward Cloud if I just stand here. Let's move out."  
Aria: *typing madly on her phone*  
Firion: "What is that?"  
Aria: "This is my Super-Do-Everything Phone-O-Matic 3000!"  
Onion Knight: "What's it do?"  
Aria: "Everything! I just got a text notifying me that someone tweeted about me."  
Lynn: "Twitter?"  
Aria: "Yeah about my tumblr."  
Lynn: "So... you've been documenting..."  
Aria: "Our entire journey!"  
Ryoko: *blink blink* "...what."  
Aria: "See I got pictures on my phone... here's one of Squall summoning the Jumbo Cactuar Toaster, here's one of Laguna getting plastered, and here's one of Light and Ryoko swapping spit."  
Light: "...What. The?"  
Aria: "Yeeeah, turns out adventures like these are all the rage on tumblr. They want to see people on quests these days."  
Firion: "...um."  
Ryoko: "You're becoming an internet celebrity because you're posting pictures of my personal quest to save Igros from the Awkward Cloud?"  
Aria: "I'm not a celebrity."  
Onion Knight: *takes a peek from under Aria's arm* "...I dunno, it has millions of hits."  
Ryoko: "MILLIONS OF HITS?"  
Aria: "Well, let's get going, shall we?" *starts walking up the stairs*  
Ryoko: "I'M GONNA KILL YOU, ARIA!" *chases after Aria*

*sinister laughter fills the area, and everyone freezes. the voice is fucking scary as hell. the scariest voice imaginable... but still sexy in its own right*

Sinister voice: "So you have come to the Stairway to Heaven, have you?"  
Ryoko: "Awkward Cloud! Show yourself!"  
Sinister voice: "You are not fit enough to approach the mighty lord of awkwardness yet, brave heroine. Watch, as your friends fall to my mercy. I'll start with... this one!"

*a single bolt of lightning strikes the Warrior of Light down*

Warrior of Light: "Gahhhhh!"  
Ryoko: "No!"  
Sinister voice: "Hm hm hm. So, Lady Ryoko, sworn to defeat the master, you must answer me correctly, or his pain will grow expodentially."  
Ryoko: "Bring it. I'm not afraid of a coward who's afraid to show himself to me!"

*the Emperor Mateus fades into view*

Emperor: "You can start fearing me now."  
Ryoko: "Ha, you fell for such a lame trick, Mateus. I thought you were smarter than that."  
Emperor: "I'll finally have you for my own, Ryoko... I will have your beautiful evil enhancing crystal that only you can control."  
Lynn: "Wait, the Aquarius stone?"  
Emperor: "The very same."  
Aria: "That was destroyed during the War of the Lions. Along with the rest of them."  
Emperor: "...what?"  
Ryoko: "Yep. All twelve of the Zodiac Stones were destroyed. So you've no reason to even want me anymore."  
Emperor: "Surely you jest!"  
Warrior of Light: "...I will break free of this!"  
Emperor: "There is no need for that."

*he lifts his staff, and a cloud of mist covers the group*

Ryoko: "Light... I'm... sleepy..." *passes out on the stairs*  
Lynn: "Ryo...ko... so..." *yawns and falls asleep*  
Aria: *is all ready snoring*  
Firion: "Mateus! The war between Cosmos and Chaos is over! What are you even doing here?"  
Emperor: "It's quite simple. My plan is to act like I'm working for the Awkward Cloud, and when things turn in my favor, oust him from his position!"  
Warrior of Light: "That plan didn't work against Chaos very well."  
Emperor: "Of course not."  
Onion Knight: "Then what makes you think that it'll work against the Awkward Cloud?"  
Emperor: "The Awkward Cloud is a dumbass, that's why."  
Firion: "...why did you make the girls sleep?*  
Emperor: "The same reason I will send you three to sleep... only if you can solve this puzzle put before you will you awaken. And if you don't, you will sleep in the dungeons of Cloud Castle forever!"

*the guys fall asleep too.*

*the group of heroes open their eyes to find themselves lying in a field of grass together, all wearing anime style school uniforms*

Ryoko: "And so I said, 'that's not a sword... it's a pencil!'"  
Firion: "Heh. You always were good for a joke."  
Warrior of Light: "It's about time we got back. It wouldn't be very good if all of us were late."  
Aria: "I agree."  
Lynn: "But this grass is so comfy."  
Onion Knight: 'No, we really should be getting back..."

*everyone gets up except Ryoko*

Warrior of Light: "Ryoko? What's wrong."  
Ryoko: "I don't know. Light... stay for a moment."  
Warrior of Light: "Oh. All right."

*everyone else starts walking off*

Ryoko: "I've kept my feelings in for a very long time. I know you're not the type to think about these kinds of things, but I... Light, I think I've started... falling for you."  
Warrior of Light: "...why did you not tell me sooner?"  
Ryoko: "I'm... afraid."  
Warrior of Light: "Afraid? Of what?"  
Ryoko: "Rejection. Betrayal. Abandonment."  
Warrior of Light: "If you're afraid of these things, perhaps you aren't ready to even have a relationship at all."  
Ryoko: "I... just don't want anyone else to take you before I confess to you."  
Warrior of Light: "Don't worry about that, Ryoko. I'll wait for you." *smiles softly*  
Ryoko: "Light..." *stands up and wraps her arms around him suddenly* "Thank you..."

*lightning surrounds the both of them and traps them in the embrace*

Ryoko: "Wha... what's going on?"  
Warrior of Light: "This magic belongs to only one man!"  
Emperor's voice: "Solve the riddle before you, or you will be lost forever!"  
Ryoko: "Riddle? What riddle is there? Right now, there's just you and me."  
Warrior of Light: "I suppose this means we are the riddle?"  
Ryoko: "And maybe... we're the solution!"

*they kiss, sparkles appear out of nowhere, and the trap fades away*

Warrior of Light: "To trust completely... the only person I ever trusted with my whole heart was Cosmos... without her, I have been lost. Now, I give that trust to you. I see everything now!" Ryoko: "I've always been afraid... I don't have to be anymore. I'll never have to be afraid ever again."  
Warrior of Light: "No... never again."  
Ryoko: "We have to save our friends, Light!"  
Warrior of Light: "Yes! We will! There is hardly a stronger bond than that of friendship!"

*they grab onto each other and run off in the direction everyone else went*

~outside... somewhere:

Emperor: *puts on a party hat* "And now, it's time to party!"

*a disco ball appears above his head and he starts dancing to the Bee Gees*

Emperor: "Oh, yes, Mateus, you are the most sexy thing aliv-"  
Golbez: *walks in, then facepalms* "...oh no. Not again."  
Emperor: "Join the celebration, Golbez! I will take over this land of Ivalice, so I'm starting my party right now."  
Golbez: "Mateus..." *turns off the music* "Mateus, I think you have a problem."  
Emperor: "That I do! I am a par-tay animal!" *turns on the music and does a crotch thrust at Golbez*  
Golbez: "...ugh... no, that's not what I meant." *turns off the music* "  
Emperor: *turns music back on* "Now, now, I think you've misunderstood."  
Golbez: *gets extremely frustrated and blows up the stereo* "I think you have a God Complex, Mateus. You want to be the most powerful being in whatever world you're in, and you never ARE. In your homeworld, the heroes were to defeat you. In the Dissidia war, you were a servant of Chaos, here, you're working for the Awkward Cloud!"  
Emperor: "Oh please, that Awkward Cloud is a fucking dumbass, Golbez."  
Golbez: "That's it, Mateus. I'm going to get you some help... by the way, what did you do with the little heroes?"  
Emperor: "Yes... they're right over here."  
Golbez: "!"  
Emperor: *evil laugh* "Even when they wake, they still won't escape. As long as Awkward Cloud controls this city, I will be in command from the shadows!"  
Golbez: "You're a cruel bastard."  
Emperor: "And I'm also the sexiest thing alive."  
Golbez: "That's it, Mateus! I'm breaking up with you!"  
Emperor: "...wha... WHAT? Golbez, you can't do that. I can't lose you, not you, too!"  
Golbez: "See if you can get back with Kuja, I'm sure he'll love to reconnect."  
Emperor: "Don't even say his name. That pussy cheated on me at that orgy! I'll never forgive him for that! I love you! I love YOU, Golbez!"  
Golbez: *leaves promptly*  
Emperor: "My super sexy shoulder muffin... nooo..." *breaks down* "Well..." *sniffle* "If I can't have my One True Love, then by the Gods, neither shall the little heroes! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

~back inside... the sleepy-dreamy place thingy... I dunno what the fuck it is, just roll with me here:

*they're all in a classroom at a big table working on a project*

Firion: "And so this is actually a dildo."  
Aria: "Wow, I thought it was a pencil."  
Lynn: "I thought it was a sword."  
Ryoko: "Well I certainly didn't think it was a controller."

*weird pause*

Onion Knight: "Let's see. Page 20. The paragraph reads as following - 'Smosh ninjas wobble through the Forest of Unlikely Shadows, reading their weapons of mass tomfoolery to slay the rabid Buffalo Tree Advisors. Suddenly, the curtains reveal an oncoming herd of concert pianists, their pianos covered with a mildewy like substance known as bumblescum.' The assignment is to dissect the sentences via the Shirley Method and reconstruct again."  
Firion: "...what?"  
Ryoko: "...Fuck me."  
Warrior of Light: "Don't say that, you'll be repremanded for it."  
Onion Knight: "Geez, class rep goody-two-shoes."  
Aria: "So, Onion, do you understand the Shirley Method?"  
Onion Knight: "Somewhat. So it works like this-"

*he's about to show it, but the papers all turn into bats and fly away*

Firion: "What the fuck just happened?"  
Ryoko: "I've no idea."  
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko, come with me. Let's get the worksheets."  
Ryoko: "Okay."

*Warrior of Light and Ryoko get up and start to walk away, and the others are trapped in a cage of lightning*

Ryoko: "Uh oh."  
Firion: "I am just missing absolutely everything, aren't I?"  
Aria: "It's not just you."  
Onion Knight: "It's a cage made of lightning..."  
Warrior of Light: "You have to solve the riddle! That will let you out!"  
Lynn: "Riddle? You mean the bats that flew away?"  
Firion: "So homework is meaningless! That just has to be it!"

*weird pause*

Emperor's Voice: "We can't have you solving their puzzle for them."

*Ryoko and Warrior of Light are pulled away by some force*

Ryoko: "Everyone-"

*A hand slaps over Ryoko's mouth*

Emperor's Voice: "Calm yourself. Accept your fate. Unless you all can't solve my riddle, you'll all sleep within this dream school for the rest of your mutual existence."  
Warrior of Light: "Unhand the lady!"  
Ryoko: "Lemp mhee ghow, bhastard!" *bites the hand*  
Emperor's Voice: "Fiesty! It's dangerous to have you here..."

*the cage's electricity grows stronger*

Aria: "Let Ryoko go!"  
Lynn: "Yeah, you bozo!"  
Aria: "...bozo? Really?"  
Lynn: "I thought it would be cute if we rhymed."  
Aria: "..."  
Emperor's voice: "You're not in a place to make demands, children."  
Firion: "I can't believe you'd call someone with a va-va-voom body like Aria a 'child'. That's just so insulting."  
Onion Knight: "I wonder if I cast my own lightning at it, if it'll make this lightning go away?"  
Firion: "No, bro, this... this is bound by emotion. Emperor! You have something against me, don't you? We're from the same world! You... you want to get back at me! Let my friends go, and I'll settle the score with you myself!"  
Emperor's voice: "...no! If I was denied my one true love, then you all will also share my fate! You... you took my beloved from me, Firionel!"  
Firion: "You used my real name. You must mean business."  
Emperor's voice: "The one who I've loved since I first laid eyes on him... you took him away from me with your adorable bubble butt!"  
Firion: "KUJA? You obviously don't know how that orgy went. Kuja WANTED to. When I told him I wasn't interested in him, he became quite persistent in trying to make me fall in love with him after that. Yes, I was there, but no, Kuja did not take me... the truth is... I did experiment then. I let a girl put a strap on and ride me from behind..."  
Aria: "You're... not gay?"  
Firion: "All the passes I make at you, and you still didn't get that? You... THOUGHT I was?"  
Aria: "You joking around with Firion like that... I thought... I thought it meant that we'd never..."  
Firion: "...oh hell no, baby, I would if I was given the chance."  
Aria: *smiles* "And here I was thinking I wasn't good enough."  
Lynn: "What about the riddle? How do we get out of here and kick the Emperor's ass?"  
Aria: "The solution is..."  
Firion: "Better communication with the one you care about!"

*Firion and Aria kiss. Then they start making out. There's no innocent little sparkles like with Warrior of Light and Ryoko. It's very VERY lustful. It almost turns into vertical sex, but then they get teleported out of the electrical field.*

Lynn: "Well, then, that leaves us, Onion."  
Onion Knight: "We don't have a backstory or anything brewing like that, though. Light and Ryoko have an innocent love going on, and Firion and Aria are... well, themselves."  
Lynn: "Heh heh."  
Onion Knight: "The truth is, I... I don't see you in either of those kind of ways. I want to protect you, but... I really just want to hang out and have fun with you all the time. I don't even think of anyone at all like that."  
Lynn: "Romance isn't all that important, honestly."  
Onion Knight: "You think so?"  
Lynn: "Yeah! It's okay if we're just best friends, isn't it?"  
Onion Knight: "It is!"

*Lynn and Onion Knight do a high-five, and they're taken from the electric cage*

Emperor's voice: "So you've solved your inner struggles, but there is one thing missing... you haven't solved my riddle yet."  
Warrior of Light: "You haven't GIVEN it yet."  
Emperor's voice: "That's right. If you don't know the riddle, then you can't figure it out!"  
Firion: "Dude... that is such a dick move."  
Lynn: "I have an idea! We'll just shout out random things until we get it!"  
Ryoko: *struggles until she gets free of the hand that had her bound* "That's... actually the only idea that might work in this case."  
Warrior of Light: "Firion! Do you know any secrets about Mateus that might maske this go faster?"  
Firion: *pauses* "...no."  
Aria: "Then let's brainstorm."

Artemecion: ", kuuupo..." 


	10. Finally! The Choice is Yours!

Fanfiction: "Omake!" part 9 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, lots of cursing, yaoi crack pairings

Disclaimer : Oh this again? Don't you get it?

...fic start!

Artemecion: "Kupo, the heroes are asleep in a dream that the Emperor cast on them! What will they do, kupo?"

*muffled noises and murmuring in the background*

Artemecion: "...buy Kup-O's, now in Gyshal and Zeio flavors... ugh, kupo, I hate this job."

*cheesy Japanese romantic rock love song plays and fades into the scene*

Ryoko: "We've come to terms with ourselves, in typical JRPG fashion, Mateus. You have to let us out of here, as per our deal."  
Emperor's Voice: "BAH! No, if you don't know the riddle, you will never know the solution! You will sleep forever in Cloud Castle!"  
Lynn: "Just shout random things! That's all we can do!"  
Aria: "...hmm... ICE CREAM AND PICKLES!"  
Warrior of Light: *makes a face like he's going to barf*  
Firion: "USED CONDOMS!"  
Everyone else: O_O;;  
Lynn: "STUFFER'S LASAGNE!"  
Ryoko: "CHOCOBO SHIT!"  
Warrior of Light: "...CHEESECAKE!"  
Emperor's Voice: "You'll never guess it..."  
Onion Knight: "ONION SALAD!"  
Firion: "Hmmm. Oh, I know! MATEUS IS A FUCKING VIRGIN!"  
Emperor: "AM NOT!"  
Firion: "I dunno, Mateus, only a VIRGIN would play by these pathetic rules..."  
Emperor: "Fine. I'll tell you the riddle."  
Aria: "Wonderful thinking, baby!"  
Firion: "Heh heh."  
Emperor: "Somewhere on the globe is a lost statue of a fallen diety."  
Ryoko: "Wait, if it's a lost statue, then how do you know where it is?"  
Emperor: "I wasn't done yet... AHEM! You'll know the way to the outside world when you name the origin of the diety... and now, I will leave you to figure out my riddle."  
Lynn: "On the globe? Let's look around to find the globe."  
Warrior of Light: "That would be the first clue, yes."

*they look around the classroom, and they find a globe*

Firion: "It's a globe, but there's no statue."  
Aria: "Maybe it's some other kind of sphere?"  
Onion Knight: "There's a soccer ball."  
Ryoko: "And a paperweight."  
Lynn: "There's an orange over in this locker."

*they bring it all together*

Warrior of Light: "On the globe, there is a lost statue. That's the next clue."  
Aria: "Well none of them have anything like a statue..."  
Lynn: "What about stickers?"  
Onion Knight: "There's a sticker on this soccer ball."  
Firion: "It's some sort of emblem?"  
Ryoko: "Fallen diety... wait a minute! This design looks like a label I've seen before."  
Aria: "You're right! I've seen that before, too!"  
Lynn: "I don't think I have, but it seems kinda familiar."  
Onion Knight: "Is it from Ivalice? Is that why we don't know it?"  
Ryoko: "No, this is..." *shakes head* "Mateus just wants to mess with my psyche."  
Warrior of Light: "What is it? We can't get out of it if we don't solve his riddle."  
Ryoko: "Mateus! I know this logo. I know the origin of this 'fallen diety'."  
Emperor's voice: "And what is it, little heroine?"  
Ryoko: "This is the letter 'A' used in the old Squaresoft logo. They're a 'fallen diety' because the company had to be bought by Enix, and their fans wish for their old company. Both Enix and Square fans wish it would be like it used to... and... the reason it's important is because all of the worlds are connected via Square's whims."  
Emperor's voice: "Congratulations, little heroine. You have solved this riddle. But... I'm still not convinced you know why I made you see it. I know where you're really from. Ivalice is not your home world. You, or your other two friends. No one who's lived in a world manipulated by Square or Enix has ever seen that logo, but when you came into the mix, suddenly... things changed. I knew when I first met you holding that blue evil crystal that you were not one of us, nor will you ever be-"  
Warrior of Light: "Are you done yet?"  
Emperor's voice: "As a matter of fact, ye-"  
Warrior of Light: "I've had enough of your illusions. Let us face each other the rightful way."  
Emperor's voice: "Oh fine, have it your way."

*all of them fall flat onto the ground instantly, and wake up in a bright, white room. except Ryoko. she's not there*

Warrior of Light: "...is everyone here?"  
Aria: "Here."  
Lynn: "Also here."  
Firion: "Yep."  
Onion Knight: "I'm here, too."

*silence*

Warrior of Light: "Ryoko?"

*still more silence*

Lynn: "Uh oh."  
Aria: "She's not here. There's no trace of her or her silly wardrobe in here."  
Warrior of Light: "MATEUS!"  
Firion: "Um."  
Onion Knight: "What's up, bro?"  
Firion: "Do you remember that angry face Light made once when he fought off a huge pack of manikins to save Cosmos?"  
Onion Knight: "Yeah."  
Firion: "He's making that face again. Mateus is dead meat."  
Warrior of Light: "I'm not waiting here!" *goes up to the wall and starts beating the crap out of it with all his spells and his sword* "...a little help, you guys?"

*they all beat the crap out of the walls together. there's not a single scratch there.*

*a door forms in another wall, and Mateus walks in through it*

Firion: "You!"  
Warrior of Light: "Where is Ryoko?"  
Emperor: "Resting."  
Lynn: "What did you do to her?"  
Emperor: "I just put her in a different room."  
Aria: "You know what? The wall won't give... maybe you will!"

*a massive fight starts and they beat the crap out of Mateus. it works.*

Warrior of Light: "I just gave her my vow that I would stand by her as I did Cosmos! I will not have that vow broken by you!" *runs out of the door, but then comes back to stomp on the Emperor a few more times* "No matter how many times I do this, I never get tired of it."  
Firion: "...LIGHT."  
Warrior of Light: "Yeah, yeah, okay." *runs out again*

*they are inside a castle dungeon*

Warrior of Light: "This could take forever... I need to concentrate. I'll sense her."

*everyone else follows him out to the dusty, murky hallway*

Firion: "Dude, how big is this castle?"  
Onion Knight: "Bigger than the Emperor's place back during the Dissidia war..."  
Lynn: "How are we going to find Ryoko?"  
Aria: "We'll split up."  
Warrior of Light: "That's a very bad idea. This castle is huge. We need to stick together."  
Firion: "Light, this isn't going to work. There are potentially thousands of rooms here. We'll die before we find her."  
Warrior of Light: "And then we'll die because we can't fight together!"  
Lynn: *walks off for a moment, looking at something off screen*  
Aria: "We need to find Ryoko before we find Awkward Cloud. We don't have the Rainbow Sword on us at the moment, so..."

*there is a VERY LOUD CLICK that happens right off screen*

Firion: "What are you doing, Lynn?"  
Lynn: "I have absolutely no fucking idea." *reaches into her knapsack and pulls out something that looks like one of those controllers that contain crappy games on them sold at drug stores* "But I'm about to figure it out."  
Onion Knight: "Our safety is in Lynn's hands. We're fucked."  
Lynn: "Onion, I hope you can keep your complaints to yourself, or I'll FEED YOU ONIONS."  
Onion Knight: "NO NO NO NO!"  
Warrior of Light: "That seems to be some sort of electronic interface."  
Aria: "Yeah! I totally forgot about Lynn's special magical artifact."  
Firion: "What is it?"  
Aria: "You know about my Super-Do-Everything Phone, right?"  
Firion: "I remember that."  
Aria: "Ryoko has the Imagination Printer, which you saw used back a few episodes ago."  
Onion Knight: "We do remember that quite well..." *grunt*  
Aria: "Lynn has the Control-O-Matic. It's a controller compatible with every single electronic item known to man, shaped just like a console controller."  
Warrior of Light: "It's... it's a Famicom pad?"  
Lynn: "To put it simply, yes."

*another VERY LOUD CLICK*

Lynn: "Ohhhhh... we're in the very bottom floor of the castle, guys. We're on the 2000th basement."  
Warrior of Light: "What about Ryoko?"  
Lynn: "Hmm, let me search by keyword."  
Firion: "Where did you three get these devices?"  
Aria: "Didn't you know that we represent the three driving forces in creativity?"  
Lynn: "Yep yep yep! Ryoko is Imagination. Aria is Communication. I'm Application!"  
Aria: "Like the Triforce, just a lot more specific."  
Lynn: "And Alis is the hidden fourth one."  
Onion Knight: "Really?"  
Lynn: "Yep. She's Randomness. That's kinda why we never really see her."  
Firion: "I was under the impression that it's because she's always busy."  
Aria: "I dunno, I've not spent a lot of time with her to tell."  
Lynn: "She hides around, but she's never quite that far. I know, I can smell the stentch of that karaoke bar that Squall works at following us around all the time."  
Warrior of Light: "You should invite her to the party. We can always use new allies."  
Lynn: "No, no, we sort of have a reasonable plot going on right now. We don't need to throw it off track."

~somewhere close by:

Alis: *achoo!*  
Squall: "What's wrong?"  
Alis: "Someone's talking about me. I can tell. Well, two can play it that game! Lynn! Lynn! Lynn!"

~back with the heroes:

Lynn: *has a sneezing fit*  
Onion Knight: "Whoa. You all right?"  
Lynn: "Gahh, did she say my name? That's so not cool! Alis, Alis, ALIS."  
Warrior of Light: "Concentrate on what you're doing." *groans, extremely annoyed*

~and back with Alis:

Alis: *keeps sneezing*  
Squall: "Still talking about you?"  
Alis: "Ooooooh, I've had enough of this silliness!" *pushes a button on her airship control panel*

*there is a huge explosion. it blows up a nearby wall, wherein stands the heroes*

Alis: "Stop talking about me! You're making me sneeze like hell!"  
Lynn: "Then stop following us all the time!"  
Alis: "Hey, Ryoko's my friend, too. I... wait. Where is she?"  
Lynn: "We don't know! We're looking for her!"  
Alis: "Squall, we're going in."  
Squall: "But the party size-"  
Alis: "I don't give a rat's ass about the party size. Not a main character my ass." *jumps from the airship to the hole in the wall*  
Firion: "How in the sweet name of tit-licking did you even make that jump?"  
Alis: *flicks her hair back* "I'm just amazing, I guess."  
Squall: *does the same, but almost misses and smashes his face into the floor*  
Alis: *casts Curaga on him*  
Squall: "Yay, I feel great again, but my face is still deformed." *gets up*  
Alis: "If you want to find Ryoko, there's very little you actually have to do. Set a trap for her. She'll come crawling."  
Squall: "Oh no..."  
Warrior of Light: "A trap? I think you misunderstand our intent."  
Alis: "I understand your intent, pretty boy, but I think you're going about this too... heroic. If you want to catch a mouse, you put out a bit of cheese. If you want to catch a Ryoko..."  
Aria: "Set out a Warrior of Light! Holding a cheesecake!"  
Alis: "Bingo."  
Warrior of Light: "...wait. What?"

*the girls all give him an evil grin*

Warrior of Light: "Why are you all looking at me like that?"

*the scene fades out, then fades back in where the Warrior of Light is tied up on a chair, holding a full chocolate cheesecake on his lap*

Warrior of Light: *sighs* "...I suppose this is for the greater good."  
Firion: "That's some kinky shit right there."  
Alis: "Oh this is NOT kinky."  
Firion: *drools* Aria: *grunts*  
Alis: "Now... we're gonna hide over here. Wait for a bit, and we'll hear a reaction."

*everyone goes and hides a distance away*

Voice from down the hall: "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko! They must be hurting her! Let me out of this, you guys!"  
Alis: "No, Light. Just wait. Just... wait."  
Voice from down the hall: "There's... there's cheesecake nearby! I smell it! Damn you, Mateus, locking me up like this and denying me what I crave the most!"  
Alis: "Heh heh. Boys, follow her voice."  
Squall, Onion Knight, & Firion: "Right!" *they run to follow the voice*  
Firion: "...what kind of cruel joke is this?"  
Onion Knight: "Sooo not funny."  
Squall: *kicks open the door that was right across from their original cell* "Ryoko!"  
Ryoko: "Squall! ...wait, Squall?"  
Squall: "You're safe."  
Ryoko: "That's not what matters. I smell cheesecake!"  
Squall: "..." *uses his gunblade to cut off her chains, and she runs by so fast that no one actually sees her until she stops*  
Ryoko: "Yay! Cheesecake!" *starts eating*  
Warrior of Light: "...I'm so relieved to see you're unharmed, my love."  
Ryoko: *is eating still* "Here. Have some!" *smushes a piece into Light's mouth* "It's delicious!"  
Warrior of Light: *has cheescake all over his face and a bit in his hair* "It is good."  
Ryoko: "Told you~~~~"  
Alis: "Traps work every time."  
Aria: "Especially if you've known the person practically all their life, huh?"  
Alis: "Indeed."  
Firion: "Well, then we can concentrate on what matters most now. Slaying Awkward Cloud."  
Onion Knight: "Lynn, I wanted to ask you something before we take this stupid story any further."  
Lynn: "And what's that?"  
Onion Knight: "You said we were in the 2000th basement of Cloud Castle. If that's the case, then how the hell did an AIRSHIP blow a hole in the side?"  
Lynn: "Well the castle IS in the air. It's CLOUD FUCKING CASTLE."  
Alis: "So, Ryoko, do you still think I shouldn't be in the party?"  
Ryoko: "Squall did cut me free. I guess it's okay."  
Alis: "...I made the cheesecake."  
Warrior of Light: "YOU STAY."  
Lynn: "But our cast is so full all ready."  
Warrior of Light: "I DON'T CARE. SHE STAYS."  
Alis: "Ah, the POWER of CHEESECAKE." *evil laugh*  
Firion: "Then it's settled! We should go defeat Awkward Cloud right now and go on vacation!"  
Ryoko: "Yes~ I approve!"

*they all start to leave, forgetting that Light is still tied up to the chair*

Warrior of Light: "He-hey, guys!"  
Firion: "What's wrong, old timer?"  
Warrior of Light: "You tied me up!"  
Ryoko: "That's pretty kinky."  
Lynn: *sigh*  
Ryoko: "Before I let you up..." *sits on his lap* "You have something on your beautiful face." *licks the cheesecake off his face* "Yum!"  
Warrior of Light: *blushes* "You... you've never... umm... Ryoko..."  
Ryoko: "What?"  
Warrior of Light: "...nothing."  
Aria: *has been snapping pictures with her phone and giggling*  
Ryoko: "When this is over, you're going in my bed, dammit."  
Alis: "HA! My job is done~" *happily starts turning to leave through the hole in the wall*  
Lynn: "W...what?"  
Alis: "My job is to get her motor running until it's good enough to keep going on its own. This story was devoid of any action, so I just had to step in."  
Firion: "Well, rub one off, Light, we have stuff to do."  
Alis: "Come on, Squall! Let's go home." *walks off screen*  
Ryoko: "If we weren't so pressed for time, I'd do it here. But, saving the town of Igros comes first."  
Warrior of Light: "Agreed. I doubt anyone would want to see any of that anyway."  
Firion: "Eh, I wouldn't mind."  
Aria: "...that still freaks me out."  
Firion: "Well, nothing they do would be worse than what Kuja had at that orgy."  
Onion Knight: *unties Light* "Let's just go."  
Warrior of Light: "Mateus tried to stop us... but couldn't get in our way. We'll be fine."

*they all start walking together for about five hours until they find a flight of stairs*

Aria: "more STAIRS?"  
Ryoko: "This cloud is decidedly German."  
Lynn: "It is?"  
Ryoko: "This love of stairs, all the useless floors in this castle, hiring the Emperor Mateus..."  
Firion: "Why does hiring Mateus make him German?"  
Ryoko: "...go to Germany. You'll understand."  
Onion Knight: "Where is Germany?"  
Ryoko: "...the worst place in existence. But way worse than that."  
Warrior of Light: "So you just named the worst place you can think of 'Germany'?"  
Ryoko: "No it's a place."  
Firion: "Where is this place, then?"  
Ryoko: "The seventh layer of hell."  
Lynn & Aria: *just nod in agreement*

~and meanwhile, somewhere else:

Kuja: "Oh Sephiroth. Always getting turned into piles of ashes..." *uses a phoenix down on the pile, and it turns back into Sephiroth* "Come on, let's go get my loser exboyfriend before he kills himself."  
Sephiroth: "Ugh... can I get breakfast first, snuggle bottom?"  
Kuja: "I thought you were with Kefka?"  
Sephiroth: "That guy doesn't know what gender he is."  
Kuja: "Do you?"  
Sephiroth: "...not really."  
Kuja: "It's good that you weren't killed in a cutscene."  
Sephiroth: "I know, right?"  
Kuja: "If we see the hero group, we are not to engage them."  
Sephiroth: "Yeah. I agree."

~and then, somewhere else, other than that last place:

Cecil: "The moon... it's giving me weird messages..." *looks up to the sky* "I must help my friends, in the name of the moon!" *jumps into the air, and lands on a cliff somehow, where the moon surrounds him in the background* "The moon beckons!"

~and millions of miles away:

Rosa: "I'm lonely." *cuddles her baby* "I wonder where your father is...?"

~and THEN, in a world elsewhere:

Pinkie Pie: "I feel a disturbance in the force, you guys!"  
Twilight Sparkle: "What?"  
Pinkie Pie: "There's a randomness flux nearby! It's gonna open a gate where travelers from other worlds can cross through!"  
Rainbow Dash: ROFLMAO Twilight Sparkle: "That is not scientifically possible."  
Pinkie Pie: "Come with me to the Everfree Forest. You'll see it!"

~back in Cloud Castle:

Ryoko: "Something feels weird around here."  
Warrior of Light: "Be on your guard then."  
Aria: "Ryoko, do you feel that?"  
Ryoko: "I do."  
Lynn: "It's a happy energy. I don't think there's a reason to be afraid."  
Firion: "Oh no!"  
Aria: "What's wrong?"  
Firion: "I farted!"

*magical energy swarms about the group*

Firion: "Not AGAIN."

*the Awkward Cloud fades into the hallway*

Ryoko: "AWKWARD CLOUD!"  
A.C.: "Hello, Ryoko. Have you enjoyed your life since you turned me into your enemy? You KNEW there would be reprocussions of using me to shower... Cecil tried to kill me! When I was doing YOU a favor!"  
Firion: "That's no reason to take it out on Igros!"  
A.C.: "I have a proposition for you, my little heroine."  
Ryoko: "Spit it out."  
A.C.: "I think your war against me is stupid. You could have just approached me without the murderous intent. I'm giving you a chance to resolve this right now. Let me reset time and stop before I go on a rampage, and I'll let you keep your memories of this adventure. All of you. You wouldn't have to rebuild these relationships ever again. You can go right back to your normal lives. Marry your knight, make lots of babies, and be happy. Or... I can give you this once in a lifetime chance to go to Equestria."  
Aria: "WE'RE GOING TO EQUESTRIA."  
Lynn: "YEAH SERIOUSLY."  
Ryoko: "I don't want to kill you, Awkward Cloud. You've made my life so interesting, but... I made it my goal to defeat you and..."  
A.C.: "No... you have two choices. I will reset time or send you to Equestria."  
Ryoko: "No. I will defeat you!"  
A.C.: "I'm sorry, that's not a valid answer."  
Warrior of Light: *whispers in Ryoko's ear* "We're not trapped. Surprise him."  
Ryoko: *looks up at him and grins, then looks back at Awkward Cloud* "You know what? I'll take the... EAT SHIT AND DIE!" *takes her Rainbow Sword and thrusts it through A.C.*  
Firion: "Whoa, when did she develop bigger balls than you, Light?"  
Aria: "No! We were gonna be able to go to Equestria!"  
Lynn: "Who cares about your stupid vendetta!"  
Aria: "Yeah!"  
Onion Knight: "Then if that's the case, let's all just go home. I'm sick of this adventuring crap."

*the scene fades out, then fades into them at the apartment watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on TV*

Warrior of Light: "And so I said, get this, 'that is my sword'!"  
Ryoko: XD Aria: "That is some funny shit..."  
Firion: "Who thought you could tell a joke, Light?"  
Warrior of Light: "Life... life has changed quite a bit."

Ryoko's voice: "With Awkward Cloud defeated, the Famicom family moved in with us, and boy, it was hectic after that. Onion started going to school. Firion and Aria decided they wanted to start a kinky sex shop, and Lynn became Onion's tutor for the most part. Alis and Squall still called all the time, and every now and then showed up to cause delicate troube, of course. And Light, well, he and I stayed together. There was nothing we all couldn't do in Ivalice."

...THE END... 


	11. Vacation or Overtime?

Fanfiction: "Omake! The Sequel!" part 1, aka "Omake!" part 10 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, lots of cursing, yaoi, crack pairings

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Final Fantasy or my friends characters. Whatever comes of this is crack, and so I don't own what's referenced.

...fic start!

*the screen is black for a few minutes, until Ryoko walks into the camera's view*

Ryoko: "Hi everyone, and welcome to the sequel to 'Omake!'. I have to say that I didn't expect this big a turnout, but I'm glad to know that this series has an audience."

*crickets chirp and the camera shows that there's no one in the auidence*

Ryoko: "Well, fine, then, I'm talking to all of you viewing at home. I have to be honest with you. The second Omake doesn't even have a script! This whole thing is going to be improv. Any special effects are being created by our own abilities, and you might notice that there's been a lot of budget cuts. Like we don't even have a narrator anymore. But that's not what matters the most, is it? Don't worry, there will be plenty of silliness." *holds up a map of Ivalice that looks like it's been used as a cum rag* "Our story takes place here, at the center of this wet spot, in Igros, Ivalice."  
Aria: *walks in* "Seriously, that's the map you're using?"  
Ryoko: "Yep. What's wrong with it?"  
Aria: *steals map and hands her a brand new one* "No need to show any bad habits with our exposition..."  
Ryoko: "Uh huh. Anyway! Our story takes place in Igros, Ivalice. It's been about... what, three months since Awkward Cloud was defeated, right?"  
Lynn: "Yep!" *also walks in* "Everyone's getting back on track like they should be. We're finally a normal family. Well, as normal as we can be."  
Ryoko: "So~ Fade out, and we'll see YOU during the episode!"

*the screen fades out, and comes back in to Mog from FF6*

Mog: "AHEM! We gave you a warning before, kupo! The lack of moogle representation in this fanfic would get you punished, kupo! Tonight, kupo, every actor has been replaced by a moogle cosplaying as that character!"  
Artemecion: "That'll teach you kupo humans not to kupo with us, kupo! I hated being narrator, kupo!"  
Mogrika: "That is so kupo."

*the screen fades into the apartment, which is really full of boxes. And it's full of moogles, who are dressed as the characters*

Alis-moogle: "I believe everything has been moved, kupo. We have everything here, kupo."  
Light-moogle: "Thanks so much, kupo. Your airship has been so helpful in getting everything where it should be, kupo."  
Ryoko-moogle: "Kupo! Now we're a real family!"  
Onion-moogle: "I have to get my stuff, kupo!" *starts carrying the boxes marked "ONION'S CRAP!"*  
Alis-moogle: "That's kupo. I'll catch you kupos later." *floats away kinda wobbly, the way moogles always float around*  
Firion-moogle: "Kupo, I didn't think we had so much stuff."  
Lynn-moogle: "How long were you living in that apartment, kupo?"  
Onion-moogle: "Kuuupoooo... maybe about a few weeks, kupo."

*the moogles just wiggle their pom-poms at each other and stare for a few minutes*

Aria-moogle: "This is kupoing stupid."  
Lynn-moogle: "We should all star in our own comedy, kupo."  
Ryoko-moogle: "Get the humans in here, Kupo, we're kupoing out of here."  
Light-moogle: "But, kupo, the humans are on vacation, kupo... we told them we'd fill in this episode, kupo."  
Firion-moogle: "What are we, kupoing slave labor? They can move their own kupo."  
Onion-moogle: "Kupo! Go to where they are, camera! It's their show anyway!"

*the screen fades out, and then fades into a beach house somewhere in Warjilis Trade City. The camera zooms in through one of the windows to find that Light and Ryoko are stark naked in bed with nothing covering them except the censor's black boxes*

Ryoko: "...that was so delightful, I can't even move."  
Light: "Hmm."  
Ryoko: "I'm so glad we have this episode off. We don't have to act all innocent in front of the camera..."  
Light: "And to think, I had to play the one that had no clue about these kinds of things. It's blasphemy, as far as I'm concerned."  
Ryoko: "I know!" *rolls over, looking at the ceiling to notice the camera is there* "Wai... wait! What the hell? I thought the moogles were covering this episode!"  
Light: *yanks a sheet over the both of them, which makes the censor boxes fade away, but more of their bodies can be seen through the sheet* "You snuck in through here, Camera! You ruined our entire character gimmicks this way!"  
Ryoko: "Yeah! I had to play the cute and innocent girl that has a very fluffy, romantic relationship! The group good-girl, so to speak. Little does the audience at home know that we have a very... steamy relationship." *cuddles on Light* "Goddess, I never want to leave this bed. Ever."  
Light: "If I had my way, we never would..."

*the camera flies through the door and goes down the hallway to find that Lynn and Onion Knight are actually playing DD:FF on their PSPs*

Onion: "You are so SCREWED."  
Lynn: "I don't THINK so!"

*they're both playing as Onion Knight*

Onion: "...WHAT."  
Lynn: "Boom bada boom boom boom! HAAA!"

*Lynn wins!*

Lynn: *does the victory fanfare and looks up for a second while she's dancing around* "Huh? ...is that the...? It IS."  
Onion: "Oh shit, what's the fucking camera doing here? I thought this episode was covered by the moogles?"  
Lynn: "Wait. Maybe they rebelled?"  
Onion: "What?"  
Lynn: "I got a letter from Nono recently stating the moogles are very unhappy with how they are treated in regards to work. Not only were they playing us to give us a chance to rest after taking out the Awkward Cloud, but they were also doing our moving for us. So they could have rebelled."  
Onion: "Who the fuck is Nono?"  
Lynn: "My moogle pen pal!"  
Onion: *blink blink* "do WHAT. You have a moogle for a penpal? Can those pom-pom sporting fluff balls even write?"  
Lynn: "People like you are the reason there's still borders between the races! Ivalice wanted to be a human only nation, so they drove out all the other races - Nu Mou, the intelligent; Bangaa, the strong; Viera, the spiritual; Moogles, the clever; Gria, the beautiful; Seeq, the... umm... the fatasses. They all lived alongside us, the humes, who stood for balance. There was a war... a brutal, evil, horrible, traumatic war where the races were driven from Ivalice... this war was known as the RACE WAR."  
Onion: "...Are you sure you're telling the history properly?"  
Lynn: "The history books will tell you that Ivalice now is at a time where all the other races are extinct. But it's a lie. Moogles are still around, just they like to stay hidden from the eyes of most humans. Far to the south of Ivalice is a land that they founded. Even now they want to integrate, to join society in Ivalice because that land is ravaged and lifeless!"  
Onion: "Ravaged and lifeless?"  
Lynn: "Yes. Very."  
Onion: "...umm. Where's the proof of all this?"  
Lynn: "In the letters that Nono has sent to me."  
Onion: "Still, I wonder what the camera is doing here?"  
Lynn: "There must be something going on, then..."

*the camera flies around, looking for the other two, but they seem to be missing... until...*

Aria: "No, no, order the 5000 model. Trust me. It will sell like hotcakes."  
Firion: "Are you kidding? I think the 3000 model is much more managable."  
Aria: "The length doesn't matter, baby, the width does."

*the camera zooms into a room to find out that they're arguing about dildos. there are boxes of them sitting around, and they are comparing different models.*

Firion: "All I'm saying is that no one's going to buy that wide-as-a-chocobo's-ass piece of plastic. They won't be able to fit it up in there."  
Aria: "Even the tightest of holes can fit it."  
Firion: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Have someone try it out?"  
Aria: *evil grin* "That's the best way to do research!"  
Firion: "That... that was rhetorical!"  
Aria: "No, no, it was a wonderful idea." *puts two of the extra wide ones in her purse* "I think I'm gonna pay a visit to my best friends..."  
Firion: "I dunno, Light seems to have Ryoko pretty busy."  
Aria: "Excellent." *she walks out, not even noticing the camera is watching her*  
Firion: *facepalms "...deciding to start a kink shop was probably the worst idea in my entire life... but I've been thinking with my wrong brain again..."

~out in the hall:

Onion: "Oh now you're just making shit up."  
Lynn: "No, really, the three goddesses left a symbol of their power in a hidden land-"  
Onion: "Then how do you know it's there? If it's hidden, then how do you know about it?"  
Lynn: "Because Ganon stole it and turned the Golden Land into the Dark World!"  
Onion: "...you have got to be fucking kidding me. You're not even talking about Ivalice anymore, are you?"  
Lynn: "I'm talking about Hyrule."  
Onion: "And where is Hyrule?"  
Lynn: "I don't quite know, I never paid that much attention in geography class."  
Onion: "I don't think you paid attention in any class, Lynn. How did you graduate?"  
Lynn: "I did really well in art!"  
Onion: *sigh* "That's enough to graduate high school in Ivalice?"  
Lynn: "I didn't go to high school in Ivalice."  
Onion: "That explains a lot."  
Lynn: "Yeah. I didn't graduate because I never attended school at all. I was raised in a Warrior's Guild."  
Onion: "So how do you know all of this history stuff?"  
Lynn: "I played a lot of video games in my spare time."  
Onion: "..."  
Aria: *passes by* "Hey, Lynn, can I talk to you later?"  
Lynn: "Why can't we talk now?"  
Aria: "Because I have to pester Ryoko first."  
Lynn: "Why pester her? I thought she said that she and Light didn't want to be bothered until it was time to go back home?"  
Aria: "This is important..."  
Lynn: "Then tell me about it! I want to know what's going on!"  
Aria: "...you're a bit young, Lynn. You wouldn't understand."  
Lynn: "Then why can we talk later, but not now?"  
Aria: "Have you been learning how to debate or something? You never used to say things like that."  
Lynn: "I've been learning from Onion!"  
Aria: "...have you, now?" *giggles for a moment* "Keep it up." *keeps on walking towards the other hall*  
Lynn: "She's like a big sister to me!"  
Onion: "She seems like she has something troubling on her mind..."

*Onion sees the camera fly by*

Onion: "Oh shit."  
Firion: *walks up to him* "Sup bro?"  
Onion: "That." *points at the camera*  
Firion: "What the... why the hell is that thing here? It should be recording the peaceful episode happening back at home!"  
Lynn: "The moogles are rebelling against Ganondorf because he stole the San Fransisco Gate Bridge while wearing nothing but a condom!"  
Firion: *has this expression on his face like he's about to say 'WHAT THE FUCK' but he can't quite get it out*  
Onion: "Yeah... don't ask."  
Firion: "...I don't think I can."  
Lynn: "And Ghaleon kidnapped Aeris to stop the Lion War but it didn't stop! That's because Harry Potter pulled the Sword from the Stone and became King of Idiocracy and used it to fight off Luca Blight from destroying all of Avenberry."  
Firion: "So... Harry kept the war going?"  
Lynn: "Yeah because if Avenberry was destroyed, then the whole world would have been. There's a gigantic statue of the Goddess Althena there!"  
Firion: "And the statue kept the world safe?"  
Lynn: "Yep!"  
Onion: "Why are you encouraging her?"  
Firion: "Because it annoys the everlasting shit out of you."

~down the hall, first door to the right*

Aria: *knocks* "Can I come in?"  
Light: *answers the door with a sheet held around his waist* "No?"  
Aria: "I would like to speak to Ryoko."  
Light: "Ryoko's actually sleeping right now. What's wrong?"  
Aria: "...it's a girl thing."  
Light: "Then you'll have to wait."  
Aria: "Let me in, Light!"  
Light: "...not right now."  
Ryoko: "Dear, who is it?"  
Light: "...it's not important."  
Ryoko: "Aww, if it's Aria or Lynn, just let 'em in."  
Light: *groan* "Oh all right, fine." *steps away and then crawls right back into bed*  
Aria: "Ryoko, I need you to do me a big favor." *walks in to see that Light and Ryoko are incredibly snuggly on each other, nakie, under a sheet* "Oh. Now I see. Well, this is a perfect opportunity. I need you to review a product for me."  
Ryoko: "Is it Japanese style silk ropes?"  
Aria: "...um, no."  
Ryoko: "Is it a super sexy blindfold?"  
Aria: "Not that either."  
Ryoko: "Edible undies?"  
Aria: "Unfortunately not."  
Ryoko: "A whip?"  
Aria: "Uh... nope."  
Ryoko: "...is it bondage related at all?"  
Aria: "Would you let me just tell you?"  
Ryoko: "But I wanna guess what it is!"  
Aria: *pauses* "I'm not going to lie. It's a dildo."  
Ryoko: "I don't need one of those, I've got a perfectly functional real thing right over here."  
Aria: "Please just... test it."  
Ryoko: *hesitant* "Where do you... need it tested?"  
Aria: "The usual places."  
Ryoko: "...placeS? As in more than one place?"  
Aria: "Yep."  
Ryoko: *extremely hesitant* "I don't think so..."  
Aria: "C'mon, you're my best friend. I need this product tested before Firion will agree with me to order a whole shipment of them!"  
Light: "...are you sure we killed Awkward Cloud a few months ago?"  
Aria: "I believe these things will be a hit!"  
Ryoko: "Your pitch isn't working for me."  
Aria: "If I can't get -you- to try it, there's no way that I'll be able to get Lynn to try it."  
Lynn: *pops head in* "Someone say my name?"  
Aria: "You're a little young for this."  
Lynn: "Whoa! Light, you're so buff! You look awesome without your armor! Check you out!"  
Light: "Thanks... I think?"  
Firion: *shoves Lynn out of the way* "Aria, you're making a mistake! You can't pitch this to the most innocent of our friends!" *sees Light and Ryoko* "...baby I didn't know you were gonna start a porn business too."  
Ryoko: O/O;; "Wha-wha-WHAT?"  
Onion: "Lynn! I demand a rematch! I'll kick your butt at Dissidia this time!" *runs in and finally notices the situation. "Firion, I told you that you couldn't watch them! It's rude!"  
Lynn: "They're so adorable together like that, though."  
Light: "...you guys know that the camera is here now, right?"  
Everyone but Aria: "yep."  
Aria: "You're kidding! There's no way the camera..."  
Everyone: *points upward*  
Aria: *sees it* "Oh fuck."  
Light: "Yep. All of our gimmicks from our onscreen characters? They've evaporated. This show is practically toast."  
Ryoko: "Not like we weren't hanging by a thread with our horrible ratings anyway."  
Light: "All right, guys, guess we have to go back to Igros."  
Aria: "...it seems like the moogles quit on us, then."  
Lynn: "They did! You see they're rebelling against the Scarlet Moon Empire-"  
Everyone else: "LYNN!"  
Lynn: "Gosh, I was just trolling you guys! I know it's not true!"

*screen fades out to a picture of the group eating dinner and the credits scroll over it to the tune of a Swahili cover of the theme song to Jet Set Radio* 


	12. Bisexual Panda

Fanfiction: "Omake!" S2E2 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy / Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOCs, sexual references / situations, cursing, yaoi, crack pairings

Disclaimer: You know the drill by now.

...fic start!

*there's a piece of notebook paper held up in front of the camera*

Paper (being read by Light): "Last time on Omake, shit happened."  
Light's voice: "Wait. That's it? We really need a narrator to talk to the audience for us."

*paper flips over*

Paper's other side: "Signed, The Japanese Lawyers."

*eerie silence*

*the cheery, cheesy Japanese theme song plays, and the scene fades into the apartment, where all the boxes from last episode are put away.*

Ryoko: "Like when we were younger! Let's practice our old routine!"  
Aria: "...wait, you actually remember that?"  
Ryoko: "Yes!"  
Aria: "We're gonna need a third member. Alis isn't around anymore."  
Lynn: *sitting on the couch, reading Vampire Knight manga* Ryoko: "...Lynn?"  
Lynn: *not looking up* "Hmm?"  
Aria: "We need a third member to do our dance with."  
Lynn: "Dancing? I dunno, I'm a klutz. I'm a warrior, not a dancer."  
Ryoko: "I don't want to invite Alis over for this."  
Aria: "Are you sure she hasn't tapped the house somehow? She always comes in at the weirdest moments."  
Ryoko: "No, that's just her Essence of Creativity kicking in."  
Aria: "I thought there was just three...?"  
Ryoko: "You know when you look at the Triforce and there's three parts that connect to form a triangle in the middle?"  
Aria: "Yeah."  
Ryoko: "That emptiness? That's Alis."  
Lynn: "That's pretty cold, actually."  
Ryoko: "It just symbolizes how we're constant, and she's constant, too, but she just can't always be in the same place as us."  
Onion: *walks in from the hall leading to the bedrooms* "Maybe you guys are the four crystals from Final Fantasy IV's underworld. Three are in the hands of the towns outside, and one is in the sealed cave." *raides fridge*  
Ryoko: "That would imply that Alis is stationary. Which she never is."  
Light: *walks in the front door* "And aren't two crystals taken by Golbez? We never find out where those other two are from. There's one in Giott's castle and the other is in the Sealed Cave. There's not three towns in the underworld, there's only two."  
Aria: "Have you been eavesdropping?"  
Onion & Light: "No..."  
Firion: *walks in from the balcony* "You three just talk really loudly."  
Ryoko: "Wait, none of you are from FF4. How would you know what it's like there?"

*all three men point at the game collection - it has every Final Fantasy title on display along with lots of other stuff*

Ryoko: "...the point is, we need a third dancer."  
Lynn: "I still don't know."  
Aria: "We could do it ourselves."  
Ryoko: "No we can't! We need at least three people!" *glares over at Light* "Hi, dear."  
Light: "Well hello, Ryoko." *doesn't notice her glare*  
Ryoko: "...you want some cheesecake?"  
Light: "I always do!"  
Ryoko: "Then get over here and be our third dancer."  
Light: "I love you, Ryoko, but I can't dance worth squat."  
Ryoko: "Do you think I can dance? This is super simple."  
Aria: "You think I can dance?"

*everyone stares at Aria*

Everyone: "YOU'RE A DANCER."  
Aria: "I forgot about that... that IS my job. I spent most of my life as... a monk."  
Lynn: "A monk?"  
Aria: "Yep. Traveling by myself across the rolling hills of Ivalice... it was a hard life."

*flashback of Aria walking by herself in Mandalia Plains as a monk*

Aria: "I'm so tired of walking so much... gotta... cross the country... gotta... get to... IGROS." *falls to her knees*

*all of a sudden, she's surrounded by a pack of six Panthers*

Aria: "Ho crap."

*the panthers close in*

Aria: *uses Chakra to restore her HP* "I can't believe my luck. If I die, I hope I turn into a treasure chest, that way no one can steal my hard work and abilities... or one of these stupid animals gains all their HP back. That would be a waste of a crystalized soul..."

*and then, a man wearing all black holding a rose in his mouth and having a mask over his face runs in and slays them all... with HIS ROSE*

*the flashback ends and Aria is sitting there looking completely annoyed at Ryoko*

Aria: "Ryoko... don't take over my flashback."  
Ryoko: "I just thought it would be romantic if you remembered that you were saved by a man weilding a rose, and that's what drew you to Firion."  
Firion: O_o;;  
Aria: "It wasn't his rose I fell in love with."  
Firion: :D Aria: "It was those HIPS."  
Firion: -_-  
Lynn: "Rose Hips!" *giggles* "Now that Firion has a stage name, he can dance with you two."  
Firion: "Hey girls, I don't dance."  
Aria: "That flamboyant scarf of yours says otherwise."  
Firion: "Hey, now, I'm a bisexual panda."  
Onion: "...p-p-panda?"  
Firion: "Closet furry."  
Onion: "No wonder you were at Kuja's orgy. Everyone knows Kuja's the biggest closet furry there ever was. He even has the tail to prove it."  
Lynn: o_o

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, in Limberry:

Kuja: "That bubble butt panda still evades me."  
Sephiroth: "But Snugglebottom, why would you even think about him? He's got a girlfriend now."  
Kuja: "A GIRL! Ugh! I'm so disgusted!"  
Mateus: *busts in the room, dressed very... fabulously* "Giiiiiiiiiirls! Have I got news for you!"  
Kuja: "Don't say that word around me! I only like penises and things with penises!"  
Sephiroth: "IS that how you say it? Penises? Peni? Just say cock or dick or something, you're making my grammar nazi persona sink in."  
Kuja: "Grammar nazi persona?"  
Sephiroth: "Yeah correcting people's grammar and spelling turns me on."  
Mateus: "...you're fucking weird, man."  
Kuja: "No shit. He's into effeminate lady-boys with hidden tails. Of course he's weird."  
Sephiroth: "No, actually, my ex-girlfriend made it kick in."  
Mateus: "Oh that's right you did experiment with a female. Those woman creatures still creep me out. I'm afraid to be within seven feet of a vigina."  
Kuja: "Says the guy who almost raped Terra."  
Sephiroth: "You were digging her. 'Let me control you'. Shit, that was sexual and everyone knows it."  
Kuja: "That's betrayal, Mateus."  
Mateus: "Now, now, sugar, Golbez is throwing us a paaaaarty~ We should totally go and throw a whole new orgy!~ We'll send our flyers and maaaaybe we can all have a chance at that remarkable bubble butt~"  
Sephiroth: "They started a kink shop in Igros."  
Kuja: *pouts*  
Sephiroth: "Snugglebottom...?"  
Mateus: "Plllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase say you'll go, Snugglebottom~"  
Kuja: "...fine..."  
Sephiroth & Mateus: "Yaaaaaaaay~!"  
Mateus: "I'm gonna go call Golbez, my Sexy Shoulders!~" *skips away*  
Sephiroth: "I never thought Mateus would come to terms with his sexuality. Ever since he started being open about it, he's really been enjoying himself."  
Kuja: "I wonder if Ultimecia treating him like a slave turned him off of women."  
Sephiroth: "Very likely."  
Kuja: "I heard she sold him to the Cloud of Darkness, and she let her little snake-tail thingies bite his penis over and over until he lost the ability to remain erect in her presence."  
Sephiroth: "Yeeeesh. Where do you hear these things?"  
Kuja: "The Chattering Chocobo. The best gay bar in Ivalice."  
Sephiroth: "Holy fuck, there's a gay bar in Ivalice? In a country where it might still be questionable to be gay in the first place?"  
Kuja: "Well yeah. The other gay bar was based on Nyan Cat in Igros but there was a battle that destroyed it. Something about a gigantic sentient food-projecting toaster, I heard."  
Sephiroth: "...you don't know the details of the Nyan Cat bar, but you know the details of what turned Mateus gay?"  
Kuja: "It didn't involve a penis, so I kinda didn't listen very well."  
Sephiroth: "...Snugglebottom, you have a one track mind."

~meanwhile, elsewhere:

*the scene fades into Ultimecia hiding in a tree. below her is Cloud of Darkness. they appear to be playing a demonic form of hide-and-seek*

Cloud of Darkness: *has a very thick Russian accent* "You cannot hide from me, babushka."  
Ultimecia: *teleports to another tree*  
Cloud of Darkness: "I heard that sound! This violates the rules of the game! You cannot just change places before I find you!" *her weird tail tentacles get mad and start biting the bark off a nearby tree* "Now you've made Gyoro and Ururun mad."  
Ultimecia: "That's what you called them?"  
Cloud of Darkness: "I found it appropriate, Star Ocean 2 is my favorite game, after all."  
Ultimecia: *facepalm*

~and back at the apartment in Igros:

Ryoko: "And that's how I became a summoner!"  
Light: "What a sweet story."  
Onion: "I'm so glad we skipped over it."  
Firion: *slaps Onion on the back of the head* "Don't treat our new mom like that!"  
Lynn: "I thought it was because of a dare?"  
Aria: "...shut up, you'll ruin the moment."  
Lynn: "What moment?"

*Ryoko and Light are staring into each other's eyes, and they're really starry. Very romantic looking*

Firion: "Okay, bro, it's time we beat the crap out of each other. Turn on a fighting game."  
Lynn: "But ...what about my backstory?"

*the room is silent*

Lynn: "Seriously fuck you guys." *walks off*  
Ryoko: "But you said it all ready. You told us about you living in a warrior's guild for years, and that now you're training to become a True Onion Knight."  
Onion: "A... true onion knight?"  
Aria: "Yeah, here the highest honor is bestowed upon one who has mastered every job available, and that honor is True Onion Knight."  
Onion: "...am... am I a TRUE Onion Knight?"  
Aria: "You'll have to find a job clerk to answer that. We can change jobs on our own, but we have to go to the Job Mastery Department to see if we've mastered it or not. That's where we buy new abilities. When you get a star over your head when you're that job, you've mastered it."  
Lynn: "Yep. It's a long path to True Onion Knight. I will become one... because it's a promise I made..."  
Firion: "That you never told us."  
Lynn: "Well..."

*flashback animation fades in, where Lynn is swordfighting against a little boy at the Warrior's Guild where she grew up. They're about six years old, and dressed like FFT squires*

Little boy: "So, what are you gonna do when you get out of this stupid excuse for an orphanage?"  
Lynn: "I'm gonna do something special with my life. Where it won't matter that I was sold to these guys or not... I'm gonna accomplish what no one else has."  
Little boy: "You're going to become a True Onion Knight?"  
Lynn: "...what's that?"  
Little Boy: "When someone masters every single job out there, they become a kind of knight that's virtually unstoppable. That's what I heard from one of the older kids. But it takes years of intense training to get there. I decided that I will one day become one so I can bring happiness to kids who grew up like me."  
Lynn: "What an awesome dream! I hope you are able to make it!"  
Little Boy: "I will make it! I promise you, Lynn!"

*suddenly a gigantic monster falls from the sky and lands right on top of the little boy, squishing him into a pile of blood, bones, and guts*

Lynn: "NOOOOO! I didn't even know your name, and I just met you five minutes ago, but I... I will somehow become a True Onion Knight in your honor! I will make life better for all the kids like us!"

*Lynn gained 25 Brave points*

*the flashback fades back into the apartment*

Aria: "That was... incredibly traumatic."  
Lynn: *sniffle* "I will become a True Onion Knight - for him!"  
Onion: "So what happened with that monster that killed the little boy?"  
Firion: "Yeah it killed that kid in one fell swoop, right next to you. How did you stop it?"  
Ryoko: "Actually..."  
Lynn: "That's how Ryoko and I met the very first time."  
Ryoko: "...yep."  
Light: "But you grew up in Gariland. What were you doing in Zeltienna?"  
Ryoko: "Alis."  
Onion: "That doesn't make any sense."  
Ryoko: "Alis was practicing a new teleportation spell... on me. I was sent all the way to Zeltienna. I saw the monster and tried to fight it off, but..."

*the flashback fades back in, and Time Mage dressed Ryoko is standing in front of the Squire Kid Lynn*

Ryoko: "Get behind me."  
Lynn: "But you're a mage!"  
Ryoko: "I'm also higher leveled than you."  
Lynn: "I don't care. I'm going to be a True Onion Knight one day." *steps in front of Ryoko* "I'll defend all the weaklings..."  
Ryoko: *mutters* "Weaklings?"  
Lynn: *charges at the monster, but can't hit it*  
Ryoko: "Ugh... so unrefined, young one." *charges a spell*  
Lynn: "Yeah and your spells are gonna take a fort-night to charge."  
Ryoko: "You're so uncooth that I'll have to teach you a lesson once this battle is over!"  
Lynn: "Snooty magicians are all the same..."

Ryoko (voice over): "But the truth was... we were never able to make a scratch on that monster until we actually learned to get along despite how we were raised."

Lynn: "You're not so snooty after all."  
Ryoko: "And you're not as unrefined as I figured you were."  
Lynn: "But you can't be from the Warrior's Guild... who are you?"  
Ryoko: "I'm a mage from Gariland Magic City. Name is Ryoko. I have a brother named Dimitri and a friend named Alis. We're a party doing odd jobs to help us train in our respective fields."  
Lynn: "That's why you spoke so formally. I hear that's the way everyone speaks in Gariland."  
Ryoko: "It's true. Gariland is a very high-class place full of high-class people. We have to speak like that or they look down on us. I just got used to it after a while. Alis, though, she can't stay in it, so she leaves all the job managing to me."  
Lynn: "Then how'd you get out this far?"  
Ryoko: "One of her spells went crazy and sent me here. But I'll be fine. She owns an airship."  
Lynn: "An Airship? Whoa! You guys must be so rich!"  
Ryoko: "No. She stole it during the confusion near the very end of the 50-Year-War. Some ass named Balthier pissed her off so she stole his airship. Now we kinda live in it. Better than the dorms at the Magic School."  
Lynn: "Such... such freedom."  
Ryoko: "Eh. It lacks real purpose though."

*flashback ends and the scene goes back to the apartment*

Aria: "And that's how Equestria was made. By forging friendships."  
Lynn: "I never forgot Ryoko. She was so inspiring to someone who spend all her life being raised to be sold to armies looking for more troops. I never thought I'd see her again in Ramza's army."  
Ryoko: "Yep. I joined Ramza's party to search for my brother, who'd gone missing on a job to Lionel. Turned out that Cardinal Draclau sold him out to the Bart Company and he was trapped in Goug Machine City."  
Lynn: "It was like being adopted into a family, because by then Aria was there, too."  
Light: "So what you're telling me is that you were all bound somehow before you even met."  
Aria: "Sometimes, that just happens."  
Ryoko: "Yep."  
Lynn: "I couldn't believe how great it felt to finally be among what I felt was the only family I'd ever had."  
Onion: "...that's all I ever wanted, too. I was raised in the village of Ur. Me and my three siblings, none of whom knew their names either, went on a quest to save the crystals... but... we were so... sad because we didn't have a family. Just the elder who took care of us, but he acted like a complete jerk sometimes."  
Firion: "Being an orphan isn't easy. The war... the war took away my parents, and I went to live with my girlfriend and her brother... it was weird."  
Light: "...I don't even have that. The first thing I remember about my life was fighting in the Dissidia war. That's all there was. So this IS the first family I've ever had."  
Ryoko: "Automatically a dad, huh?"  
Light: "Yeah. I guess so."

*the credits fade out, where a cheesy Japanese song plays over a picture of them all huddled around a TV. Firion and Onion are playing King of Fighters while everyone else is watching* 


	13. Giant Yellow Lobster

Fanfiction: "Omake!" S2E3 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references and situations, lots of cursing, yaoi, crack pairings

Disclaimer: It's been a while, so I better reiterate. I don't own shit. At all. I swear. I don't own any shit, that's in the toliet. So that belongs to whoever owns the toilet? ...Who owns that? Ah fuck, whatever.

...fic start!

*the scene fades into Ryoko singing 'Winter Wrap Up' while wearing a hat that looks like Rainbow Dash's mane instead of her usual red headband*

Ryoko: *is singing the song*

*she doesn't notice the camera there until she spins around and she's shocked about it being there*

Ryoko: "I don't get a break, do I?" *stares into the camera, obviously really annoyed* "Well, okay, so from what I understand, last episode we didn't really do much except talk about nothing and the badguys were starting a plot to capture..." *picks up her script and has to do a double take* "Should I be seeing this? Doesn't this kinda ruin the story for me? I hate spoilers."  
Aria: *comes up from below the camera slowly* "You're the narrator right now, not yourself. Sorry, our budget just plummeted over night when the sponsors realized that no one but two people were paying attention."  
Ryoko: "If that's the case, why the hell does there need to be a narrator?"  
Lynn: *falls from the ceiling* "Because that's how the show it set up!"  
Ryoko: "Shouldn't some things just be cut if we can't afford it?"

*smokes starts filling the room*

Ryoko: "...uh oh."  
Alis: *poofs in with a flash of magic* "I got it! Finally! After landing in Moscow, Balamb Garden, Cairo, the Evil Forest, Kilika, the Chaos Shine, Paris, Zeltienna, AND the Bermuda Triangle, I finally landed here! Sorry gals!~ What have I missed?"  
Lynn: "Absolutely nothing."  
Alis: "Typical." *shrugs*  
Aria: "At least that explains why you were missing for the last two episodes."  
Alis: "Yeah, after the whole Awkward Cloud incident, Squall and I went on vacation because our last vacation really wasn't one. But we accidentally tripped a dimenisonal rift while having sex-"  
Ryoko: "Stop. Talking."  
Alis: "-so we ended up being flung all the way into the Time Compressed Alternate Version of Squall's Homeworld. And teleportation magic from there works so much more differently than it does from anywhere else I've accidentally fallen into."  
Lynn: "This... has happened before, hasn't it?"  
Alis: "Oh yeah."  
Lynn: "Is there a reason why you keep on studying teleportation magic?"  
Alis: "Actually..."  
Ryoko: "I'm gonna go get the set ready to start the episode, okay?"  
Aria: "I'll go with you."

*Aria and Ryoko walk off the set*

Alis: "The reason I study teleportation magic is simple, my dear. I don't have a choice. My body naturally fucks up the boundaries between world rifts, and if I didn't know anything about teleportation, I'd be stuck in other worlds."  
Lynn: "Did you sell your soul to some sex god or something?"  
Alis: "Why would you even think that?"  
Lynn: "...do you even have to ask?"

*awkward pause*

Alis: "To be honest, no diety wants my soul. I couldn't sell my soul to any higher power. It holds no value whatsoever."  
Lynn: O_O ?  
Alis: *looks away sadly, then closes in and whispers in Lynn's ear*  
Lynn: "...ohhh. I'm sorry."  
Alis: *mood instantly changes for no apparent reason* "Let's get this episode started, shall we?"  
Lynn: "Right on!"

*they both salute the camera, and the scene fades out, and then back into the apartment, where Ryoko, Light, Onion, Lynn, and Alis are playing Dungeons and Dragons at the kitchen table*

Alis: *is DMing* "And so you guys walk into the creepy mansion."  
Ryoko: "I blow the mansion up with my magic."  
Alis: "...while you're inside it?"  
Ryoko: "I walk outside, and then blow it up."  
Alis: "Argh, not this again." Light: "Not all adventures are solved by blowing everything up, Ryoko."  
Alis: "Thank you, Light! Now you guys are in the front room. It's a huge ass mansion, okay? And it smells like... week-old bread."  
Lynn: "EWWW."  
Onion: "...stale bread? That must mean no one's been here for a while if their bread's so rotten."  
Alis: *thinking* "It's pretty obvious that he's still an innocent kid if he didn't catch that."  
Light: "I guess we should take a look around. Alis, do we hear anything from down any halls or upstairs?"  
Alis: *rolls dice behind a lamenated screen* "You hear moaning from down the hall."  
Light: "...what kind of moaning?"  
Alis: "Loud. Like it's releasing something."  
Lynn: "Oh come on. What's with all the sexual references?"  
Alis: "You don't know if it's an orgy or a pack of demons down the hall, Lynn. Shit, and people call ME a pervert."

*Squall walks in, holding an envelope*

Squall: "Hey baby, we got an invitation to a party."  
Alis: "Sweet." *grabs the invitation and reads it aloud* "To Alis and Squall Leonhart: You have been cordially invited to the biggest party on the east side of Lesalia Imperial City. From Emperor Mateus."  
Squall: "The Emperor. What's he scheming?"  
Light: "Mateus? That's wonderful. Just when life was getting peaceful again..."  
Alis: "So it's not a party, is it?"  
Onion: "Not on your life."

*suddenly, Firion comes out of the hallway, pissed off at the world*

Firion: "GAHHHHHHHHH! That woman! I've had enough! Sorry, Light, Onion, I can't do this. I'm out!" *walks out of the apartment, slamming the door so hard that the wall around the doorframe cracks in several places*  
Light: "Uh oh."  
Ryoko: *gets up* "I'll be right back..." *walks down the hall*  
Squall: "Firion hardly ever gets that mad. Last time I saw him this upset..."  
Onion: "Sephiroth stepped on his rose."  
Squall: "Yeah."  
Light: "Perhaps we should go comfort our friend, then."  
Squall: "I dunno, he almost killed Cloud for trying to get the rose back for him."  
Alis: "Let's keep at the game. It'll be a lot easier now without Ryoko trying to blow everything up all the damn time."  
Lynn: "Fine. We're gonna go down the hall and find out what's moaning..."

~in the hallway:

Ryoko: "Hey." *knocks on the door* "Aria?"  
Aria: "...yeah?"  
Ryoko: "Can I talk to you?"  
Aria: "There's nothing to talk about."  
Ryoko: "Firion kinda just... left."  
Aria: "I know. Thought you were out playin' DnD with everyone else?"  
Ryoko: "I was. My character's on autopilot while I'm not there. Her answer to everything is 'kill it with explosions'."  
Aria: "Ha. First time playing a Chaotic Evil character will do that, won't it?" *opens the door* "How do you and Light have not a single fight, ever? It's like your relationship is so perfect... I envy you."  
Ryoko: "You think Light and I never have disagreements? We have fights, too. We're normal just like you!"  
Aria: "No. I never hear you throwing insults at each other or slamming doors. We've lived all together here for what, a few months now?"  
Ryoko: "That's because whenever he's about to get mad, I shove a piece of cheesecake in his craw."  
Aria: "...you're so silly, Ryoko."  
Ryoko: "I have to be. Someone has to keep everyone smiling."  
Aria: "Heh. Yeah, someone has to."  
Ryoko: "Well you're the mom of the group, Aria. You've provided not only a clean home and great food, but you've been an emotional anchor for all of us. You're always stressing out over everything and even you need a break sometimes. So... today, I'll take over for you! You go take a day off!"  
Aria: "Are you... sure?"  
Ryoko: "Of course I am~"  
Lynn: *comes racing down the hallway* "I'll help! I won't let our big sister get all tired and run down!"  
Ryoko: "See? We can support you, too."  
Lynn: "That's what family does."  
Aria: "Thanks, you two. Maybe you're right. I could use some time out of the house a bit."  
Lynn: "Then go take it!"  
Aria: "Okay... I will."

*Aria grabs her purse and leaves out the front door a lot less violently than Firion did*

Alis: *sighs* "Ryoko, do you remember the last time you took over house duties for someone?"  
Ryoko: "I think the house exploded."  
Light & Onion: O_O Alis: "You shoud go get her."  
Ryoko: "Naaaaaaah."  
Squall: "I'm worried about Firion..."  
Light: "But you said earlier that we shouldn't go looking for him."  
Onion: "Yeah, Squall, make up your mind."  
Squall: "Well, it's not because of his anger. Mateus is throwing a party. You know who he works with, right? He works with Sephiroth and Kuja."  
Onion: "Oh hell, Kuja's got a crush on Firion's ass."  
Squall: "Exactly. That party is probably gonna be an orgy, because that's just how Kuja is."  
Light: "Then we should do something about this." *stands up* "Ryoko, I need your help a moment."  
Ryoko: "Nee? What's wrong, Light?"  
Light: "I saw you change your class last season before we left to defeat the Awkward Cloud. I would like to... I would like to change my class, too!"  
Ryoko: "That's easy." *stands up and places her hands over her heart* "Watch me. Everyone in Ivalice knows how to do this, so you should learn to do it, too." *closes her eyes* "Concentrate on the class you wish to be... and invision it in your heart." *a purple aura surrounds her, and she changes from a samurai back to summoner, complete with the black dress and long green cape* "So, dearest, it's that easy."  
Light: "Ahh... but I don't know what job I should change into."  
Ryoko: "Well, there are plenty, but you have to train to open up complicated ones. Your class is 'Warrior of Light', right? I'm pretty sure that's the equivalent of a knight in Ivalice. Maybe."  
Lynn: "You should take him down to the Job Center. They'll evaluate his training to see what he's qualified to be."  
Ryoko: "Yeah. Come on, Light. I don't know your charts yet, and since you've never lived in Ivalice before this, you don't know what they look like, either. The rules between the multiverse all differ so much..."  
Alis: "If they're going to the Job Center, then Squall and I will take the airship to Lesalia and see what we can find out about that party."  
Lynn: "That's a great idea."  
Onion: "What should we do?"  
Lynn: "We're gonna make dinner so we can have it ready for everyone when they get back."  
Onion: "Yay! Dinner! I wanna cook it! I'll cast comet on a chicken and it'll BLOW UP!"  
Alis: "...yeeeeeah, you do that. C'mon, Squall!"  
Squall: "We're gone!"

*Alis and Squall go onto the balcony and jump off of it, landing on the balcony on their airship. Within a few minutes, it takes off and zooms to the east. Light and Ryoko head out the front door together.*

Lynn: "Let's just order pizza instead."  
Onion: "And then we can play something."  
Lynn: "Yeah."  
Onion: *hands her the phone*  
Lynn: "So, let's get four trazillion extra large pepperoni pizzas, then no one ever has to cook ever again!"  
Onion: "I don't think we have that much room in here."  
Lynn: "Okay maybe just four extra large pizzas. We could all share two of them tonight, and then eat two of them for breakfast tomorrow."  
Onion: "Pizza. For breakfast."  
Lynn: "Yep."  
Onion: "LET'S DO IT."

~meanwhile, thousands of miles away:

Kuja: "Lesalia Imperial City! The place where I will reclaim my one true love!"  
Sephiroth: "You're actually in love with Firion, Snugglebottom?"  
Kuja: "I could give a shit about Firion, but his ass is delectible."  
Sephiroth: *sigh* "You really should give up on him."  
Mateus: *skips in* "GIIIIIIIIIIIIRLS~! My Super Sexy Shoulders has informed me that we now have a venue for our party. He's gotten us a four star hotel penthouse!"  
Sephiroth: "Now that's tight."  
Kuja: "It sounds pretty badass."  
Mateus: "Oh yes~! I have also sent invitations to everyone important to this event."  
Kuja: "You mean the apartment where they live, right?"  
Mateus: "I addressed it to the couple with the airship."  
Kuja: "MATEUS, YOU IDIOT. I don't want to deal with Squall and his girlfriend."  
Sephiroth: "Squall's the furthest from gay you can get. We don't want him there."  
Mateus: "I'm sorry! But I know that the cute one wouldn't read it, and the one with the kink shop would probably ignore it, and the young one wouldn't care either."  
Kuja: "Wa... wait a minute. Did you say 'cute one' in there?"  
Sephiroth: "You find Ryoko to be cute?"  
Mateus: "I... I didn't mean it that way!"  
Kuja: "You're not really gay, are you?"  
Mateus: "...excuse me?"  
Kuja: "You miss women."  
Mateus: "I will prove with this party that I am gayer than either of you two!"  
Sephiroth: "Yeah you're way gayer than me, I all ready knew that. What's with the horn hair, anyway? And the fingernails? And the purple lipstick? And the beads in your hair? That's pretty fuckin' gay, man."  
Kuja: "And your robe makes you look like a gigantic yellow lobster."  
Mateus: "...guys."  
Kuja: "You thought you could dominate your homeworld when you looked like that? No one feared the yellow lobster with silver hair horns and shiny purple fingernails."  
Mateus: "Fine. I guess Golbez and I will just... spend the night alone, without the two of you. I don't need to be belittled anymore, you know..." *turns away sadly* "People think just because I have a unique style of dress means that I can't be fearsome! I'm disgusted!"  
Kuja: "Well here you aren't exactly a fearsome Emperor. You're just... some washup has-been evil asshole who looks like a GIGANTIC YELLOW LOBSTER."  
Mateus: *casts Flare in Kuja's face, then runs off sobbing*  
Sephiroth: "Snugglebottom, you ruined the possibility of having that orgy ever again. Golbez is the one with all the connections. You can't cross Mateus or Golbez won't do anything for us."  
Kuja: *his face is all burnt because of the flare* "Oh we'll have that party our own way. Sephy! I want you to get into contact with... the witch of Gariland."  
Sephiroth: "...no."  
Kuja: "Why not?"  
Sephiroth: "I've lived there before. She is not who you want running this party, and she'll turn me into a pile of ashes again with bombs from her stolen airship."  
Kuja: "Not if we..." *whispers in his ear*  
Sephiroth: "This plan is stupid."  
Kuja: "For me? Pweeeeease?"  
Sephiroth: "...you owe me for this."  
Kuja: "But of course." *pins him down and the moment he's about to thrust his face on his crotch, the scene changes*

~and elsewhere, closer to home:

Ryoko: "So my boyfriend needs to see his job points chart..."

*the person working the Job Center desk is none other than Terra Branford*

Terra: "Oh, it's you, Warrior of Light! ...Do you remember your name yet?"  
Light: "My family here has given me a new name."  
Terra: "That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. I'm working here part time so I can feed the kids in the orphanage down the street. Anyway... so, your charts are..." *she puts a magic device to his forehead and then puts the device in a reciever at her computer* "Ah! Here!" *she turns the monitor so they can see it*  
Ryoko: "You've mastered Knight! I knew 'Warrior of Light' was your equivalent to Knight here in Ivalice. Awesome. So you can be a monk. That sounds like an interesting option."  
Light: "But I've always fought with a sword..."  
Ryoko: "You can always learn new things, Light."  
Light: "I suppose you're right. All right then. I'll become a monk!"  
Terra: "...really?"  
Light: "What?"  
Terra: "Your name now is just... Light? It's like a diet version of the name you had before."  
Light: "And your point?"  
Terra: "You can call yourself a real name, like Bob or Joe or Bernie or Steve."  
Ryoko: "Stop quoting Weird Al, Terra."

*Terra and Light just stare at her for a few seconds*

Terra: "I probably would have kept on guessing but that's about the time I crashed into the truck."  
Light: "...um."  
Terra: "And as I was bleeding there on the asphalt, finally the face of my hibachi dealer took off his prosthetic lips and told me that everything I knew was wrong."  
Light: "Terra...?"  
Terra: "Yes?"  
Light: "Is this a prank?"  
Terra: "Why, I'd never prank you. Everything I know IS wrong."  
Ryoko: O_o;  
Light: "I... Ryoko, dear, we should get back."  
Ryoko: "Yeah. I agree."

*they leave as fast as they can*

Ryoko: "I get the feeling that Terra was hit by the Awkward Cloud too much last season."  
Light: "But would the effects still be in place even all these months later?"  
Ryoko: "I don't know..."

~and then... in elsewhere-ish places...

Aria: "You know what? I haven't done anything just for me lately."

*she stops and looks up. She's walked to the Brony shop without knowing it*

Aria: "...hey! I haven't even looked in here yet."  
Voice from inside the Brony Shop: "THEY HAVE LUNA TOYS! OMFG. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS."  
Aria: "Even BETTER!" *opens the door, and with a flash of light, she vanishes, her phone falling to the ground*  
Voice from inside the Brony Shop: "Hahahaha!" *sticks head out of the window to reveal it's actually Jecht!* "Well that was easy. Now I just have to wait for the rest of them!"

...what happened to Aria? What will Alis find out about the party in Lesalia? Will Light ever successfully change his class? Are Firion and Aria going to break up? Did Lynn order all of those pizzas? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON "OMAKE!" 


	14. Separation Anxiety

Fanfiction: "Omake!" S3E4 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references and situations, lots of cursing, yaoi, crack pairings

Disclaimer: For fuck's sake, you're persistent.

...fic start!

*TV screen flickers, then goes to a static screen, then goes to an 'off the air' sign. Light and Ryoko are sitting on the couch together after everyone else has gone to bed.*

Light: "I didn't realize that TV networks ever went off the air."  
Ryoko: "That's weird, I thought they didn't anymore. That there's too many night owls to capitalize on."  
Light: *looks directly into the camera* "...for all of you watching at home, tonight's episode might scare you. It contains some images not safe for children or people who might carry children one day."  
Ryoko: "Yeah. So don't read without the lights on! Or else you can't see."  
Light: "...where did that come from?"  
Ryoko: "I mean, don't watch without the lights on!"  
Light: "No, we want to tell you that this isn't a safe episode for the little ones."  
Ryoko: "Poor kids might get nightmares over this shit, you have to be careful!"

*scene changes to the apartment in the morning, where Ryoko and Light are snuggled on each other on the couch asleep in a very... umm... yeeeeeah kind of position. Lynn and Onion are in the kitchen, snarfing on cold pizza for breakfast*

Lynn: "Best. Idea. Ever."  
Onion: "I know, right?"

*they keep eating and giggling until Light sticks his head up over the couch*

Light: *yawns extremely loudly. It gets their attention.*  
Onion: "Sup Dad?"  
Light: "You kids are loud in the morning."  
Onion: "Not as loud as you two were last night."  
Lynn: "It's not a bad thing for parents to love each other."  
Onion: "Is that what they call it these days?"  
Light: "You're such a douche, Onion."  
Onion: *winks* "Oh, I know."  
Light: *lays back down where he was and gets comfy again*

*the door busts wide open and Alis steps in*

Alis: *sees how Light and Ryoko are positioned* "...well damn. I didn't realize you had it in you, Light."  
Light: "Shove it."  
Squall: *also walks in* "Are we interrupting anything?"  
Light: "Goddess Almighty!" *gets up and buttons his pijama shirt* "I can't get any sleep these days. This house is too noisy."  
Alis: "You certainly aren't going to get any sleep wearing silk pijamas around Ryoko. She digs that kind of thing." *shrugs* "But I'm not here to tell you how to bed my closest friend, Light. The truth is, I've found out something about that party..."  
Squall: *hands her a scroll* "Here ya go."  
Alis: "Thanks, babe." *reading from the scroll* "Golbez is the one hosting the party, and it's actually not going to be open to everyone in the public. Four sources have noted that it's in a penthouse at the most expensive inn in Lesalia."  
Lynn: "Four sources?"  
Alis: "You don't think I get info on my own, do you?" *snaps her fingers and a team of four ninjas wearing nothing but red appear behind her* "This is my crack commando ninja squad!"  
Lynn: "...so that's how you were keeping tabs on Ryoko while she's been away from you."  
Alis: "Yep. Great work, boys. Anything else?"  
Ninja 1: "Dat dere paaaty goin' be up in the Chatterin' Chocobo."  
Alis: "I thought that was just a bar."  
Ninja 2: "No. It's actually an inn."  
Ninja 3: "THE BIGGEST INN THAT ALLOWS GAYS IN LESALIA!"  
Ninja 4: "Snarf."  
Alis: "Wonderful."  
Ninja 3: "YOU'RE VERY WELCOME, MADAM."  
Onion: "What's his deal?"  
Ninja 2: "Naruto never learned to speak quietly."  
Ninja 3: "I'M A NINJA, NINJA, NINJA! BELIEVE IT!"  
Alis: "I do. Now wait until it's time to go."  
Ninja 3: "YES MADAM!"  
Ninja 4: "Snarf, snarf."  
Alis: "Thanks, Snarf."  
Ninja 4: "Snarf!" *gives a salute*  
Ryoko: *sits straight up, rubs her eyes, and looks around* "Alis, I told you don't do that kinda thing anymore, you know."  
Alis: "I'm not here to invite you to a S&M Dungeon today." *crosses her arms*  
Ryoko: "Then what are you doing here so early?"  
Alis: *sigh* "The dragoness sleeps all morning." *points at the clock and it's all ready noon*  
Ryoko: *looks up at it* "That's funny, I thought Aria and I were supposed to do the grocery shopping today at noon."

*eerie silence*

Ryoko: "I guess she made other plans."  
Light: "Actually, remember, we were waiting up for her and Firion last night. Did they never come home?"  
Alis: "Is she usually a late sleeper?"  
Lynn: "You kidding? She usually takes care of us young'uns."  
Onion: "Yeah, she always makes my sack lunches for school!"  
Lynn: "I could make you sack lunches!"  
Onion: "You don't make them the way she does... Aria makes them special!"  
Ryoko: "What's so special about Aria's sack lunches?"  
Onion: "She makes me bacon baconwiches!"

*awkward pause*

Light: "Err... what is a baconwich?"  
Onion: "That's a sandwich where... instead of bread, there's bacon where the bread should be."  
Light: "Then... what exactly is a bacon... baconwich?"  
Onion: "That's a baconwich where the filling is bacon."  
Light: *makes a weird expression*  
Ryoko: "Sounds extremely crunchy."  
Onion: "It is~"  
Light: "...and greasy." *pretends to gag himself* "A few strips are fine, but who needs THAT much at once?"  
Onion: "I DO."  
Squall: "Why aren't you in school anyway, Onion?"  
Onion: "Aria wasn't here to make sure I got up on time and I was up all night eating pizza and playing video games with Lynn."  
Lynn: *stuffing her face with leftovers* "Yep."  
Alis: "So the house clearly relies on her. I think this is much more important than that stupid party thing."  
Ryoko: "No, because that party thing is trying to trap Firion, and I get the feeling that if Firion doesn't apologize to Aria, she'll not be coming back. She might have left to find him."  
Light: "Oh! All right then. Ryoko, you and Lynn have known Aria the longest, you should search for her. Someone has to stay here to wait just in case one of them comes home. Onion and I will be here for that."  
Aria: "Here, gals, I'll give you a lift in my airship. Squall, you stay here with the guys."  
Squall: "Fair enough."  
Light: *kisses Ryoko's forehead* "You'll be just fine. Oh, yes, I've also decided on my new job. Everyone..." *he stands up, places his hands to his heart, and begins to pray. His aura turns purple for a slight burst, and his armor turns into a martial arts gi* "...meet the new me."  
Ryoko: "You're a monk."  
Light: "Yes!"  
Alis: "Well. I'm not trying to steal your man or nothin' but... damn, that's pretty nice."  
Light: "I'll take that as a compliment."  
Alis: "Oh yeah, that's a compliment all right." *shrugs* "C'mon, ladies, let's go find Aria. We don't need the house falling apart, do we?"  
Lynn: "Nope."  
Ryoko: *runs into a closet, and changes from her pijamas to her summoner's dress almost instantly, then runs back out* "Let's go find Aria!"

*the girls go together to the balcony and leap into the airship*

Light: "How is that... physically possible?"  
Squall: "It's because of time magic. That's Alis' second job. Time mage."  
Onion: "Then why didn't she go on to become a summoner like Ryoko? Ryoko was a time mage for a while, or she told us so."  
Squall: "I don't know that story entirely. I know you have to know some Time Magic to learn how to Summon, but from what I understand, Ryoko only studied enough Time Magic to become a summoner. Alis mastered it."  
Light: "That makes sense, to be honest."  
Onion: "Hmm."  
Squall: "So, Light, I have a question for you."  
Light: "And what's that?"  
Squall: "Dude, Ryoko."  
Light: "That's not a question."  
Squall: "If you'd shut your trap..."  
Light: "Oh, sorry."  
Squall: "What the hell was that when we walked in?"  
Light: "We were waiting up for Aria and Firion to come home last night. And we cuddled on each other, fell asleep, and woke up to the noise of Onion and Lynn snarfing down leftovers."  
Onion: "They were fuckin' good, too."  
Squall: "Cuddling, eh? Yeeeeah, tell that to the extreme pervert that is my girlfriend."  
Onion: "You were working at a Nyan Cat themed bar and you call my dad a pervert?"  
Squall: "...he's your dad? Dude, you suck at parenting, too."  
Light: "He's not my son!"  
Onion: "Yeah Jecht is a better dad than you..."  
Squall: "...you were raised by JECHT?"  
Onion: "He let me watch My Little Pony!"  
Light: "I don't care if you watch My Little Pony."  
Squall: "Jecht's a brony, too?"  
Light: "Yep. And he doesn't even hide it in the closet like you do."  
Onion: "He tortures Tidus with it."  
Squall: "...no, don't say his name... he might just show up like he did at the bar."  
Onion: "I thought Tidus died when the bar exploded."  
Light: "The bar didn't explode."  
Onion: "It did when Bahumut came and blew it up with his Megaflare."

*awkward silence*

Light: "You've been hanging out with Ryoko too much again."  
Onion: "Yeah and you've been sleeping with her too much again."  
Squall: "Oooh, burn."  
Light: "Actually we didn't-"  
Squall: "...so you say."

~meanwhile, on the airship:

Alis: "Oh ho ho ho~ Welcome to my beloved airship, Lynn."  
Lynn: "It's nice. Now let's look for Aria."  
Alis: "I'll put into the scanner here to look for something that belongs to her. What should I put in?"  
Ryoko: "Her phone. That... what the hell was it called?"  
Alis: "That Super Special Do Everything Phone that you can call any number in any of the worlds on?"  
Ryoko: "You... knew it could do that?"  
Alis: "Oh yes." *puts that into the computer thingy on the dashboard of the airship* "Now... we process."  
Lynn: "So that's your special machine, eh?"  
Alis: "Yes. I can find any magical artifact or other magical machines through this device. I've been able to track the Imagination Printer to keep up with Ryoko."  
Lynn: "Hmm. That sounds pretty handy."  
Alis: "Yeah, especially with all that world hopping she's always doing."  
Lynn: "I've heard of it, but lately she hasn't done much of that."  
Alis: "It's Light, isn't it?"  
Lynn: "Might be."  
Ryoko: "...why are you talking about me when I'm right here?"  
Alis: "Because you were doing that thing where you pretended you were invisble again, and I was just playing along."  
Lynn: "Can't argue with that."

~meanwhile, somewhere else:

Jecht: *on the phone* "Are you kidding? I can't do that."  
Voice on the line: "Do it, Jecht."  
Jecht: *on the phone* "But... it violates the rules of the multiverse."  
Voice on the line: "Then we... will cancel the development of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic season 3!"  
Jecht: *on the phone* "YOU WOULDN'T DARE."  
Voice on the line: "Then you know what you must do..."  
Jecht: *on the phone* "...fine. You have yourselves a deal." *hangs up* "I'm sorry, missy. I really am. The boss says he wants you gone."

*the camera pans over to Aria being trapped in a large plastic sciencey tube like what Cloud and Zack were kept in from FFVII*

Aria: "Gone?"  
Jecht: "Yes. But I can't do it unless I catch all of ya."  
Aria: "You're going to catch all of us?"  
Jecht: "I think with the right bait, I don't have to work that hard, eh heh heh."  
Aria: "Bu... but Jecht, this isn't you... what's wrong with you? Whatever happened to... you know, the... douche that plays for the Zanarkand Abes? Okay so you've always been a douche, but I thought you were growing a personality that wasn't so... douchey by learning what My Little Pony Friendship is Magic was all about! Love and Tolerance!"  
Jecht: "...I'm gonna love and tolerate all of you. I won't kill you. The show has softened my heart." *he picks up a quill and some parchment* "So... I will do you all a favor."  
Aria: *starts knocking on the sides of the tube thingy* "I will get out of here."  
Jecht: "Don't even try it, missy." *presses a button and gas goes into the tube thingy* "Sleep well, for when you wake, you'll thank me."  
Aria: "...you're... despicable..." *coughs, then falls into a weird sitting position and passes out*  
Jecht: *whispers* "Celestia have mercy on your soul."

*dramatic music plays*

~and then, back on the airship:

Ryoko: "And so I said-"

*the airship's computer beeps extremely loudly*

Alis: "We've found it!"  
Lynn: "That took all of ten whole minutes."  
Alis: "Oh hush. I'll have it teleport us down where the phone is."  
Ryoko: "All right, then!"

*they teleport down on the road in front of the Brony Shop*

Ryoko: "The Brony Shop?"  
Alis: "Another pony fan, huh?"  
Lynn: "Yes. Bigger than us. It should come as no surprise."

*suddenly an arrow flies out of the window of the Brony shop, headed faster than anything they've ever seen*

All three: "Uh oh."

*they go up to the door to find that the Aria's phone was dropped there. It's recieved twenty thousand twitter updates and missed about five thousand texts*

Ryoko: "Um..." *picks up the phone* "...Aria isn't here."  
Alis: "I see that."  
Lynn: "She's inside! She has to be!" *busts the door open* "Aria? Where are you?"

*all they find is Jecht standing there with a gigantic Luna toy*

Alis: "...okay. The manliest man I think I've ever seen... is playing with a... My Little Pony." *shakes her head* "What is wrong with this town?"  
Ryoko: "Truthfully... I'm not quite sure."  
Lynn: "You! Where's Aria?"  
Jecht: "Are you talking about the dancer girl?"  
Ryoko: "So she WAS here!"  
Jecht: "Yeah, she was. And now, you're here."  
Lynn: "...so, do you know where she went?"  
Jecht: "I have a guess. She went downstairs to look at all the best stuff in the house."  
Ryoko: "Then that's where we're going!" *starts to go, but Alis grabs her cape*  
Alis: "Doesn't something seem kinda suspicious to you? About that guy?"  
Lynn: "It's just Jecht, Alis. He's harmless ever since he got into Friendship is Magic."  
Jecht: "Oh, Luna... you're everything my wife never was to me." *acts incredibly in-love with the Luna toy*  
Alis: "On second thought I am not going to stay in the same room as him."

*they go downstairs and find there's three gigantic person-sized test tube thingies, with no Aria in sight*

Ryoko: "This is... creepy."  
Lynn: "Incredibly."  
Alis: "I KNEW IT."

*they start to go upstairs but Jecht blocks their way*

Jecht: "I'm not going to hurt you."  
Alis: "I knew you weren't sane!"  
Jecht: "This is all about love and tolerance, ladies. Just like I told your beautiful dancer friend."  
Lynn: "What did you do with Aria?"  
Jecht: "I gave her a ticket to a vacation of her dreams."  
Ryoko: "She doesn't want to tour Hell, asshole."  
Jecht: "I didn't send her to Hell..." *brings out his impossibly huge sword* "I sent her to a place she could only dream of going to before."  
Ryoko: "Uh oh... if we fight at full strength in here, the building's gonna crash on top of us!"  
Lynn: "Yeah, we're in a basement."  
Alis: "All right then. I have a plan!" *tries to cast Stop on Jecht*  
Jecht: "No. I'm sorry, ladies. I don't have a choice. Every Brony is counting on me to do this right. I will not be to blame for letting down millions of Bronies!" *uses the sword to push them into the tubes, and then closes them down by pressing a gigantic red button* "The boss wants you dead. I can't do that. The show taught me love and tolerance. I will show you all love... and tolerance."  
Alis: "What boss?"  
Ryoko: "Send us... somewhere?"  
Lynn: "Wherever he's sending us, is where Aria is!"  
Jecht: "The bronies need my support." *picks up his cellphone and dials a number* "Boss, it's done, they are dead... the three, plus a witness... yes. All right. Will do." *hangs up and presses another button on the panel* "Please... enjoy what I cannot..."  
Lynn: "What are you talking about?"  
Alis: "These tubes are filling up with gas!"  
Ryoko: "Oh no... I can't..." *slumps over and starts falling asleep* "Light... I love you..."  
Lynn: "Ryoko! Wake up!"  
Alis: "That's it, Jecht, you are DEAD, you hear me? DEAD!"  
Jecht: "I will tell him those were your final words..." *bows his head*

~and the arrow, wherever it was going:

Firion: "Maybe I should go back home... ugh, I really do miss Aria."  
*the arrow lands right in front of him*  
Firion: "...huh?" *looks at the letter on the arrow* "...what? This... just... WHAT?" *gets extremely angry* "The person responsible will not see the sunset!" *grips the note and runs off*

~and, finally, back at the apartment:

Squall: "No, man. No. When you eat a girl out-"  
*door busts open and Firion is standing there, panting, trying to catch his breath*  
Light: "Firion! Where have you been!"  
Onion: "Bro, you okay?"  
Firion: "No... no I'm not... is... is Aria home?"  
Onion: "Nah. we were waiting for one of you to come home, but the girls went out looking for her."  
Firion: "Oh SHIT."  
Squall: "Dude, the girls have the airship, they'll be fine."  
Firion: *slaps the note down on the table* "Some asshat's got Aria. Apparently, they want me so badly that they'll kill Aria."  
Squall: "But surely a lady onion knight, a dancer, a summoner, and a white mage with time magic powers can defend themselves. They are quite a team if they just put their powers together toward the same goal."  
Firion: "Dude, whoever this is... they aren't playing around."  
Light: "Then we must search for them!"  
Firion: "Yeah. I came home looking for whoever I could find. You guys will just have to do."  
Onion: "What a vote of confidence..."  
Light: "We've no time to waste!"

*they leave together, armed to the teeth, ready to fight*

~and somewhere else:

Kuja: "Ooooh, where is that Jecht, anyway?"  
Sephiroth: "Oh let it go, Snugglebottom."  
Kuja: "I need those girls out of the way if I'm ever going to catch my Bubble Butt Bi-Sexual Panda, you know."  
Sephiroth: "He's not in love with you, Kuja. He isn't. He never was."  
Kuja: "Are you calling me... just a fling?"  
Sephiroth: "To him you were."  
Kuja: *breaks down and cries* "It's not fair! Why can I not have that ass for my very own?"  
Sephiroth: "...Snugglebottom..." *comforts Kuja with really cuddly snuggles and then pins him down to lick his nose* "Stop this... what am I to you? Just a fling? Do you not love me?"  
Kuja: "I love you, but... he would make a great slave for the dungeon." Sephiroth: "Well. Yes. That is true." 


	15. Jecht's One True Dream

Fanfiction: "Omake!" Season 2, Episode 5 Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics Genre: Humor / Parody / Romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual situations and references, yaoi, crack pairings, lots of cursing

Disclaimer: I've run out of ways to say it creatively. I still don't own jack shit.

...fic start!

Garland: "Hi. I know I've never appeared in this series yet, but here I am, warning you, that today's episode is a little strange. Firion has come with a note in hand, declaring that Aria is in danger, and it's possible all the ladies are in danger, since the others went to find her."  
Mateus: "Oh, hello, Garland." *hands him an envelope* "Invitation to my party! It's so awesome that it's certainly going to be the season finale!" *skips away*  
Garland: *stares at it* "Well thanks, man, that's so nice of you." *puts it in his pocket* "I never thought Mateus was such a civilized guy. Must be the fact that he's got a new significant other." *looks back at the audience* "Anyway, yeah, so I just wanted to remind you of what happened last episode, since it's been a while."  
Exdeath: "I wanna make my cameo appearance, too!" *teleports in* "The girls will be sent to the VOID!"  
Garland: "Don't spoil it, Exdeath!"  
Exdeath: "Where my wife, the Cloud of Darkness, will be waiting to obscure them into nothingness!"  
Garland: "You... married the Cloud of Darkness?"  
Exdeath: "She loves the void as much as I do. ...What's with that stare?"  
Garland: "It's nothing, Exdeath... I suppose it makes sense for two sentient condensed evil feelings without genders to be with each other, right?"  
Exdeath: "I FIND THAT RACIST!" *teleports away* "You too will be sent to the VOID, Garland!"  
Garland: "...oh boy."

*the scene fades into the guys walking down the street in slow motion, all badass in a single line, staring at the camera with their weapons all out. really threatening sounding rock music is playing*

Woman: "You're blocking traffic!"  
Firion: "THUNDER!"

*lightning bolt zaps the woman and she falls over*

Firion: "Thought so!"  
Light: "Wow, that was vicious."  
Firion: "I don't have time to care about some random NPC bitch right now."  
Onion: "Damn yo."  
Squall: "...is that Jecht over there?"

*Jecht comes up, bust out into tears*

Jecht: "I never thought I'd find the four of you! It's awful!"  
Squall: "Did they cancel season 3?"  
Jecht: "No! It's about the summoner girl and her friends."  
Light: "...Ryoko?"  
Jecht: *nods*  
Light: "What happened? Where are they?"  
Jecht: *cries even harder* "Before... before she... she... her last words were... 'Light, I love you'! It's the saddest thing I've ever heard!"  
Light: *glass breaking sound*  
Onion: *backs up*  
Squall: "Dude, you okay?"  
Onion: "That sound's fucking dangerous."  
Firion: "Where are they?"  
Light: "ANSWER THE QUESTION."  
Jecht: "...last I saw... they were... in the Brony shop..." *sniffle, sniffle*

*the men run in that direction*

~and in the basement of the Brony shop...

Ryoko: zzzzZZZZzzzzzZZZZzzzz Alis: "Ryoko! Wake the hell up!"  
Lynn: "Whoa, she's FADING."  
Alis: "Oh shit."  
Ryoko: *is fading while she's sleeping*  
Lynn: "...Jecht must have done this to Aria, too!"  
Alis: "It's possible."  
Lynn: "What do we DO?"  
Alis: "Wait. Do you have your special controller that can connect to any electronic devices?"  
Lynn: "Nope. It's on the charger at home."  
Alis: "...what."

*the camera cuts away to the apartment, where the super controller is hooked up to her computer, charging via the USB port like an iPod, then cuts back*

Alis: "You're kidding."  
Lynn: "Nope."  
Alis: "...whoa dude, I'm fading, too!"  
Lynn: "Ack, so am I!"  
Alis: "Well damn. We're boned."  
Lynn: *yawns* "I'm... falling asleep..." *slumps over and curls up into a ball* "Oh, Onion... I hope you... find my letter..."  
Alis: "What? You, too?" *throws her body against the glass case* "There's so much I have yet to do with my life. Jecht's stupid trap is not going to get me! Anyone but me!" *slows down to the point where she can't fight anymore* "Well... Ryoko... know that I..." *falls over* "Fuck... Squall... I'm so... sorry."

*the guys rush into the basement of the brony shop, and they're stuck in a heroic BSoD for a few minutes*

Light: "Shield of Light!" *casts it on Ryoko's case, causing it to shatter* "Ryoko... c'mon, talk to me. Please, please... say something..." *picks Ryoko up, but notices she's fading away slowly* "What the hell?"  
Firion: "Aria isn't here!"  
Onion: "Lynn's... disappearing!"  
Squall: "...Alis!"  
Firion: "Jecht. He set the girls up!"  
Squall: "She's... she's gone."  
Light: "Ryoko, wake up. Tell me something, anything! Who did this to you?"  
Ryoko: *eyes open slightly* "...Jecht... he did something to... Aria... before we... got here..."  
Light: "Stay with me, Ryoko!"  
Ryoko: "Light, I..." *epic dramatic pause, then she fades away completely*  
Light: "Jecht! You're a dead man."

~Outside the shop:

Jecht: *sigh* "They're gonna kill me." *opens his cellphone* "Kuja. I'm going to die because four very angry, vindictive boyfriends are going to blame me for their girlfriends vanishing completely from this world. I only have one thing to tell you... You're a fucking douche asshole." *hangs up* "I'll face it like a man. There's no other way to do it."

*the brony shop explodes*

Firion: "YOU." *all eight of his weapons are pointed directly at Jecht*  
Onion: "You just took away my mom, my aunties, and my future girlfriend! I considered you to be a father figure!" *draws his sword* "It's time to throw down, mofo!"  
Squall: "I've been with Alis for over ten years now, we were practically married all ready." *points his gunblade at Jecht* "Dead fucking meat."  
Light: *cracks his knucles* "Explain what you've done before we all do a Tales-style unison attack on your pathetic carcass."  
Jecht: "Fellas. This is all because of Kuja."  
Light: "Lies!"  
Jecht: "No, he's throwing a huge ass party and he wants to get Firion for himself. So, he thought to get rid of the dancer with the darker skin that Firion's been with." *Onion starts charging his Comet spell* We didn't expect all the ladies to show up, but because the others are connected with her..." *Firion's axe flies over to hover right under his chin* "We didn't want the world to destroy itself!" *Squall runs over and points his gunblade at Jecht's crotch*  
Light: "Why did they fade away?"  
Jecht: "It's the gas they were forced to breathe. It's a gas from a dimensional rift. If you breathe it, you're sent to that other world!"  
Light: "...is that the only way to get there?"  
Jecht: "From here, yes."  
Light: "Is there a way to get back from there?"  
Jecht: "I... I don't know... I've never been there!"  
Light: *turns away* "As this party's leader, I hereby give my party members permission to carry out your sentence."

*Firion's axe cuts off Jecht's head, Squall hacks off Jecht's dong, Onion sets the body on fire with his magic, and Light uses a Hadoken kind of blast on the pile of ashes*

Firion: "That gas is the only way, huh?"  
Onion: "Let's do it, then."  
Squall: "I've been world hopping for a while... I don't care what world I end up in, I just want Alis in that world."  
Light: "This world is empty... without our other halves."

~meanwhile, where the girls are...

Ryoko: "Mmm..."

*she opens her eyes to find that she's sitting on a very weird solid surface. It's very spongy and smells sweet*

Ryoko: "Light?" *sits up* "I feel... weird."  
Disembodied female voice: "Women from the world of Ivalice. You have been brought here against your will. Regardless of this, you have come under the protection of my realm and my power. I will bless you with the abilities known in my realm, and give you aid until you know in your heart what you wish to do."  
Ryoko: "...what? Who... who are you?"  
Disembodied female voice: "My name is Celestia. I am the ruler of Equestria."  
Ryoko: "Where are we? What's going on?"  
Disembodied female voice: "You will wake with your friends, children of Ivalice. Dream of what makes you most happy as you take a form more fitting for my realm."  
Ryoko: *slowly falls back asleep* "Having a picnic with Light... that would be the best."

~back where the Brony shop used to be...

Onion: "Bro, pass that shit over here."  
Firion: "Bro, wait your damn turn."

*they're passing a tube around that has the Equestrian Rift gas in it like it's a bong between the four of them*

Light: "It's very euphoric. I can't imagine that they were in any sort of pain when they were forced to breathe this."  
Squall: *takes a hit* "It's like weed, but happier."  
Onion: "Dammit, Squall, you take too long." *snatches the tube and breathes in so much that he collapses* "That's what you do. Do it all at once!"  
Firion: "Bro, you're such a-" *does the same thing as Onion* "I was gonna call you a douche but you're actually a... no, you're still a douche. But a genius douche."  
Onion: "Damn straight."  
Light: "You boys have no refinement at all."  
Squall: "We do need to get over to that other world and see if they're in trouble."  
Light: "Yes... we do."

*they both take drags from the tube so long they fall asleep that moment*

Firion: "We have been outdone, bro."  
Onion: "...who knew dad was so good at this?"  
Firion: "Isn't this shit illegal in this multiverse?"  
Onion: "Dunno, but the elder of Ur smoked shit like this all the time so he could just stomach me and my three brothers back home."  
Firion: "Holy shit."  
Onion: "We were horrible kids."  
Firion: "Hey, you grew up okay."  
Onion: "And I just killed the guy I thought was the only real father figure I'd ever know... but now, I can see that Light here makes an okay dad."  
Firion: "He's better than 'okay', y'little prick."  
Onion: "Don't call me a prick, you chode."  
Firion: "Don't call me a chode, you ass."  
Onion: "Don't call me an ass, you prick."  
Firion: "Don't call me a prick, you chode."

*they pass out a few minutes later, and over the course of about 15 minutes, their bodies fade away*

~meanwhile, in Lesalia Imperial City...

Kuja: "With those girls out of the way, we can catch the Bubble Butt and the rest of his crew with our party!"  
Mateus: *busts in the room* "Giiiiiiiiirls~! Have I got some baaad news for you~"  
Sephiroth: "Oh shit."  
Mateus: "Reports are that the men who lived in the Fortress Apartments down by the Igros Swim Team's Practice Pool have vanished."  
Kuja: "Do WHAT?"  
Sephiroth: "So Jecht didn't just get rid of the girls, he got rid of the guys, too?"  
Mateus: *nods* "I hired this team of crack ninjas to investigate."

*Alis' four ninjas appear out of a cloud of smoke*

Ninja 1: "Dat whol' fam'ly iz totally fuckin' gone now."  
Sephiroth: "W... what the fuck is that accent? You're a goddamn ninja."  
Ninja 3: "YES WE ARE NINJA. BELIEVE IT."  
Mateus: *facepalm* "You're not supposed to talk to them."  
Ninja 4: "Snarf, Snarf."  
Ninja 2: *starts breakdancing*  
Kuja: "You're sure that Firionel, the Warrior of Light, the Onion Knight and Squall are dead?"  
Ninja 2: "Whicka whack like crack, nigga." *starts moonwalking all of a sudden*  
Ninja 3: "WE SAW THEM FADE AWAY WHERE THE BRONY SHOP USED TO BE."  
Kuja: "Fade away? Gahhhhh! Jecht! I can't believe that traitor!"  
Mateus: "And what they've told me before... before fading away, the group killed Jecht."  
Ninja 1: "Dat nigga's dead."  
Sephiroth: "Are you really Barret Wallace?"  
Ninja: "Who the fuck is dat nigga?"  
Kuja: "...never mind his stupid accent, Sephy. We have bigger problems."  
Mateus: "The fact that the ass you want to pound has evaded you yet again? Those are problems to you? Kuja, give it up! Firionel is in love with the dancer. You can't have him. He would rather fade out of existence than be with you."  
Sephiroth: "He's right, Snugglebottom. Let it go."  
Kuja: "It's not fair..."  
Sephiroth: "Snugglebottom...?"  
Kuja: "Fine... Sephy, let's go to the sex toy shop. That might cheer me up."  
Sephiroth: "Anything for my beautiful Snugglebottom!"

*Kuja and Sephy leave*

Mateus: "My party is still going to be the biggest event in all of Ivalice. You four! Go deliver invitations!"

*the four ninjas salute, and then disappear in a puff of smoke*

Mateus: "Jecht, even if it cost you your life, you still did the right thing by not killing them. It wasn't worth killing them for Kuja's whims. But considering where he sent them, I highly doubt they'll be able to come back." *skips out the front door*

~and in the other world...

Ryoko: "Ugh... what... happened?"  
Aria: "Good morning!"  
Ryoko: "Aria!" *sits up instantly* "We've been looking all over for yo..." *notices that the colors around her are very bright and that this place no longer feels like Ivalice* "...where am I?"  
Aria: "You're in the Ponyville Care Center, with everyone else."  
Ryoko: "P-po... Ponyville?"  
Aria: "Yep. Princess Celestia saved the three of you, and me, too. She also has a house for us down a bit, so..."  
Ryoko: *looks over to see that Aria's voice is coming out of a big eyed cartoony FiM-style pony* "What was it that Jecht gave us? This is some good sh... sh... hey, why can't I curse?"  
Aria: "Celestia's power blocks all harmful words."  
Ryoko: "What about Alis and Lynn?"  
Aria: "They're here, eating some daffodil and daisy sammiches in the lunch room."  
Ryoko: "How'd they take it?"  
Aria: "Lynn's extactic. Alis thought Jecht gave her some drugs to make her trip."  
Ryoko: "...sounds like a reaction she'd have."  
Aria: "I figured. So come on. We've always dreamed of coming to Equestria! Let's see if it lives up to our dreams!"  
Ryoko: *gets up and looks at herself. She's covered in very short green fur and has a mane and tail the exact color of her hair as a human. She has a unicorn horn.*  
Aria: "I notice you don't have a cutie mark yet. Probably because you don't know what your purpose in Equestria is."  
Ryoko: "You're excited about this, aren't you?"  
Aria: "YES." *her coat is the same color as her dancer's dress and her mane and tail are very neat and tidy. blonde. has wings*

*they come out to where the Lynn and Alis are eating*

Lynn: "Hiya~" *her mane is brown but pulled up into a ponytail to look like an Onion Knight's helmet plume, and she's gray with brown splotches. She seems to be an Earth pony*  
Alis: "We're all here. This can't just be a massive collaborative dream." *is a white pony with red on her hooves, and a big mass of curly blonde hair for a mane and tail. has unicorn horn* "So now what do we do?"  
Aria: "Explore Equestria!"  
Alis: *gives her a weird look* "I wanna get back home."  
Aria: "Jecht sent me here. He said his boss wanted us dead, but he couldn't stomach killing us."  
Ryoko: "Jecht trapped us when we came looking for you."  
Alis: "He said that he couldn't separate us or the world would suffer for it."  
Lynn: "I never thought daffodils would actually taste good."  
*all of the others glare at Lynn*  
Lynn: "Well its true."  
Ryoko: "Who was Jecht working for?"  
Aria: "Someone who had the power to cancel season 3 of MLP: FiM."  
Alis: "But... aren't we IN it right now?"  
Ryoko: "Perhaps it's all recorded by actors here, then sent to other worlds for broadcast. Maybe that's how Celestia makes money for her country. She doesn't tax the people at all from what I understand."  
Aria: "She changed us into ponies. Do you think that means we're stuck here forever?"  
Lynn: "Can't be. We'll have to find Celestia and ask her if there's a way back home.  
Alis: "I'm curious to know if the guys are going to follow us here."  
Ryoko: "That's a stupid question. They will."  
Aria: "Too bad for Mateus and his party, looks like Season 2 is happening here."  
Lynn: "I honestly feel bad for Mateus. He's never done anything wrong."  
Alis: "Except be friends with Sephiroth."  
Ryoko: *shudders*  
Alis: "I know, I know..."

*the door opens and Princess Celestia walks in*

Celestia: "Four more from your world have crossed into my realm."  
Ryoko: "The guys!"  
Celestia: "Yes. All of them are looking for you girls."  
Alis: "Is there a way home, Princess?"  
Celestia: "It's not safe for you in your home world right now. So, no, you'll be here in hiding until it is. I will keep the ones who wish you harm out of my realm. I promise."  
Lynn: "Then what will you have us do?"  
Celestia: "Live here until you can go home. When you find your cutie marks, you'll know right away what your purpose in Equestria is... as for the boys, they will wake in the same places you did when they have absorbed their share of Equestria's power."  
Aria: "Then... that's what we'll do."  
Celestia: "You know where the four room house is, don't you?"  
Aria: "I do."  
Celestia: "If you need anything else, dear children, write to me and send it through fire." *walks out*  
Alis: "The rules of this world don't make any sense."  
Ryoko: "Never have. But this is home for now, and the guys are coming through the way we did. We won't be alone."  
Lynn: "It's like home, but we're ponies."  
Aria: "There's NOTHING wrong with that at all!" 


	16. Season 2 - CANCELLED!

Fanfiction: "Omake Oops!"  
Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance / Adventure Warnings: OCs, OOC, crossover, yaoi, crack pairings, sexual references, crossdressing

~before the show starts, the camera's running to show a secret conversation between the cast members~

Ryoko: "I spent the rest of the show's budget."  
Onion: "on what?!"  
*the camera pans in to show the entire set is falling apart, and as it looks at a corner on the other side of the room, a whole bookshelf just caves in on itself*  
Light: "Was it cheesecake?" *smiles*  
Ryoko: "Sadly, no."  
Light: *horns on his helmet droop sadly* "Oh..."  
Aria: "Did you buy from our sex toy shop?"  
Alis: "I thought that was shut down..."  
Firion: "It's all online now!"  
Squall: "You two, if you want to sell sex toys, you have to do it right." *grabs Alis*  
Lynn: *awkward pause* "What's that humming noise?"  
Squall: *has a perverted look on his face*  
Everyone but Lynn: *facepalms*  
Lynn: "...um..." *gets a cartoon lightbulb, then* O/O Aria: "Well that's pretty direct..."  
Squall: "EXACTLY."  
Firion: "Dude, are you TRYING to steal our business?"  
Squall: "We've been selling sex toys LONG before ya'll even met."  
Onion: "How, Squall? You're from the Blue Planet, not Ivalice! You came here after the Dissidia war just like everyone else."  
Alis: *holds up her staff*  
Ryoko: "put that dangerous thing away! I don't want to be used in one of your teleportation experiments ever again."  
Squall: "yep. Alis was bending reality much before Cosmos sucked us out of our homes to fight in her war. What a tyrant."  
Onion: "word."  
*they do a high-five*  
Ryoko: "AHEM! I spent the budget on a disclaimer machine so we don't have to have someone to say it every time." *turns it on*  
Disclaimer machine: *coughs, sputters*  
Lynn: "...it's rusted."  
Ryoko: "You know how little of a budget we had left?!" *kicks it*  
Alis: "I think you should have gone for the cheesecake. Would have been more satisfying."  
Aria: "She's right..."  
Ryoko: "I will fix this! Aria, give me your phone."  
Aria: "...okay?"  
Ryoko: *snatches and dials a weird 30 digit number that looks like webdings numbers*  
Aria: "The hell?! Who are you calling?!"  
Ryoko: "Hello? Yeah! It's me! Yo, you willing to help a fellow woman of science out?"  
Light: *whispers* "...woman of science...?"  
Ryoko: "I can send it to you, sure. Can you send it back, though? Yeah, that's fine. I can do that. I got a few hundred gil, that enough? I don't... how does it convert into gald?"  
Firion: *whispers* "What's gald?"  
Alis: !  
Squall: "What is it?"  
Alis: "Glad is the currency in Aselia. This would be a bad time to go back there, remember?"  
Squall: "Oh shit."  
Alis: "My point exactly." *walks up to Ryoko* "Give me the phone, Ryo. This isn't worth dealing with anyone from Aselia."  
Ryoko: "I know what I'm doing."  
Alis: "No, you don't. You have an established life in Aselia, completely separate from this one. Since time works differently in Ivalice than it does in Aselia, everyone probably thinks you're still with... you know..."  
Ryoko: "it's... it's okay, Alis. I can handle this." *hangs up the phone and gives it back to Aria* "I know why you want to keep me from Aselia. I love it there, and there's very little that keeps me from just living there for the rest of my life."  
Alis: "but... but what about Light?!"  
Ryoko: "Yes. That is my one reason." *walks off sadly* "Gotta warp this stupid piece of shit to Raine and wait. Everyone, let's get ready to do 'Omake! Gaiden'."  
Light: "I'm afraid I'm confused."  
Onion: "Dude, your woman has a man in the other world. How did you not follow that!?"  
Firion: "Dad, you need to study subtext more."  
Light: "I don't think I could take a class on that."  
Squall: "Yeah, Light, you don't want Ryoko going back to Aselia. There, her name is Ran-Chan, and she's engaged to an angelic being known as Kratos. He knows that she goes through lots of worlds, so he never expects her home, but if she goes back on that planet at all, he'll know. He works for Heaven itself. Kinda an antisocial, generally people hating person. Their cynicism matches perfectly when they're together."  
Alis: "Kratos is an asshole, plain and simple."  
Squall: "You only say that because he hates you."  
Alis: "HA. Whatever. I like Light much more than Kratos. I'll keep her in Ivalice forever if I have to."  
Squall: "He tried to banish Alis from Aselia. Twice."  
Alis: "I won't forgive him for that. Ryoko's my sister, I'll protect her until I'm dead."  
Light: "I don't think she really needs your protection, Alis."  
Alis: "You, too, huh? ...we're a package deal. If you get with Ryoko, you have to deal with me."  
Firion: "Territorial much?"  
Onion: "No kidding."  
Ryoko: (from offscreen) "ALIS, COME HELP ME."  
Alis: "On my way!" *runs off*  
Firion: "Oh shit. The camera's been on this whole time..."  
*camera shuts off*  
*end transmission* 


	17. With Power Comes Great Responsibility

Fanfiction: "Omake!" S3E1 Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy Genres: Fuck. All of them except hurt/comfort... because that sucks.  
Warnings: OCs, OOC, OCxCanon pairings, crack, yaoi, crack pairings, crossdressing

Disclaimer: I don't own any of what's featured except my own character, Ryoko. Aria belongs to ~kyohaku, Lynn belons to ~tibby-san, and Alis belongs to ~fallnlove. Do me a favor and keep your lawsuits to shit that matters.

~FIC START~

*the camera closes in on Ryoko, who's holding up half a banner. It pulls out to reveal that Light is holding up the other half.*  
Banner: "Yay! Season 3 hast started!"  
Aria: "I thought it wasn't until November..."  
Onion: "We're not talking about ponies."  
Aria: "...what a fuddy duddy."  
Lynn: "And I was so excited, too."  
Light: "You're not excited about the start of season 3 of Omake?"  
Firion: "I think it's more like Season 2 was abruptly interrupted and they were so looking forward to that experience."  
Squall: "And that's probably the most sane thing you've ever said."  
Firion: "...so why are you here for season 3?!"  
Squall: "Because I finally graduated from Mercenary School at Balamb and now I'm a free man."  
Alis: "Now he can get a job and we can start a family!"  
Ryoko: "Doing what?"  
Squall: "Being a mercenary, of course. It's what I went to school to do. Finally, the career I've worked so hard to reach!"  
Lynn: "But, Squall. Weren't you doing mercenary work WHILE you were at the school?"  
Squall: "I did, but I got paid just a sliver of what the clients paid. It's like an internship, almost."  
Firion: "So, you graduated, huh?"  
Squall: "Yep!"  
Ryoko: "But how? Weren't all the Final Fantasy homeworlds destroyed during the Dissidia War? I was under the impression that you all lived in Ivalice now because your worlds imploded without you for so long."  
Light: "I am interested, myself."  
Squall: "...okay so I haven't been back home. But I printed out this fancy diploma from the internet." *holds up the diploma proudly* "I even made it say Balamb Garden!"  
Firion: "That's pretty sharp, man. Maybe you should go into Graphic Design."  
Light: "It is impressive."  
Firion: "Yeah, I suck at photoshop. Look at that thing over there on the wall."

*everyone looks at the wall, and there's a framed picture of scribbles*

Firion: "That's the best I can do. But you, you faked a diploma! With a neat little seal and everything. Seriously, you could make big bucks forging documents like these. Screw being a mercenary, man, let's get into organized crime."  
Squall: :| Alis: "Well it would be safer..."  
Light: "I don't know if this is a good idea."  
Aria: "I don't want you getting into trouble, Firionel."  
Firion: "Baby, those dildos got you into more trouble than I will working with Squall."  
Onion: "...oooh, burn."  
Aria: *crosses arms* "Fuck this, I'm going to go post ponies on TwitPic now." *leaves in disgust*  
Firion: "Oh crap."  
Squall: "I think mercenary work is best, Firion."  
Light: "Our work is our prosperity!"  
Squall: "And what is it that YOU do, Light?"  
Light: "I'm a Warrior of Light."  
Firion: "We know."  
Onion: "Does it pay well?"  
Light: "Yes."  
Ryoko: "It paids absurdly well, and in the most interesting way, too..."

*flashback of Ryoko and Light getting steamy on each other and as Light unbuckles her bra, thousands coins start raining on them from nowhere*

Ryoko: "It's like hitting a GOLD MINE."  
Alis: ROFLMAO Lynn: O_O;;  
Firion: "DUUUUUUDE."  
Onion: "Uh oh. Bro, what's with that expression?!"  
Firion: "I want a job that pays me when I start getting steamy!"  
Light: "..."  
Squall: "Seriously, if it pays every time one gets in a steamy situation, then we'd never be broke ever again."  
Light: "Now wait just a minute here."  
Onion: "Guys, WE should be Warriors of Light!"  
Alis: "This is not going to end well." *walks away*  
Ryoko: "I have some Dissidia to play..." *also walks away*  
Lynn: "I'm going to play the PS3." *goes to the living room*  
Light: "No! You can't just be Warriors of Light! It doesn't work that way!"  
Firion: "What if you hire us?"  
Light: "I'm not a boss of any sort."  
Onion: "Is it a company?  
Light: "Hardly."  
Squall: "Then how do they pay you...? Who makes the money to pay you? Do you accept donations from a church somewhere?"  
Light: "I seriously don't know!" *stomps his foot and yells at them* "I am a Warrior of Light! I was born as a Warrior of Light! I was created to serve this purpose! And somehow, in whatever it is that I do, I serve it! I don't know how to APPLY to be a Warrior of Light! When we were in the Dissidia war, I didn't get paid at all. It was my title and nothing more." *grunts* "So stop getting silly ideas about becoming one, because it's not possible!" Squall: "Whoa."  
Firion: "Dad, calm the hell down."  
Squall: "...but, if you remember the legends... Four Warriors of Light defeated Chaos and saved the world when it was dying. You know, the earth was rotting and all that."  
Light: "No, no, no. Those four were Light Warriors. Not Warriors of Light."  
Squall: "How did they become the Light Warriors?"  
Light: "They each held a crystal that held no shine and they saved a princess."  
Onion: "No, they fell into a pit and were chosen by a dying talking crystal!"  
Firion: "I thought they went to the Wind Temple chasing after the king of Tycoon?"  
Light: "No, those weren't Light Warriors! The Light Warriors were discovered in Corneria! They saved a princess from the wayward knight Garland!"  
Onion: "No! They saved the town of Sasoon from Djinn by sealing him in a Mithril Ring that the Princess of Sasoon had!"  
Firion: "...I think we're all remembering different retellings of the same legend or something. They all have princesses in them, and they all have crystals in them. But the legend I remember, the Princess of Tycoon WAS a Light Warrior. There are also castles involved."  
Onion: "So if we want to be Light Warriors, we have to find a princess, a crystal that symbolizes each of us, and defeat some fiends that make the earth decay, the wind stop, and the seas rage."  
Light: "...we don't want to be Light Warriors. We should get jobs that fill our needs here in Ivalice."  
Ryoko: *comes back in with Aria* "And so I said, 'that's not a controller. It's a handheld!'"  
Aria: ROFLMAO Ryoko: "So... did you decide on what to do?"  
Light: "These bums want to be Light Warriors."  
Ryoko: "Hmm. Well, I suppose I'll have to get kidnapped for you."  
Light: "What?! What on Earth for?!"  
Ryoko: "Everyone knows that after a princess is saved, she has to marry a Light Warrior. I don't want you having to marry some other bitch, so I'll go get kidnapped."  
Light: "But, you're not a princess."  
Aria: "Ha."  
Firion: "What?"  
Onion: "She IS?!"  
Ryoko: *sigh* "I'm a runaway from Lesalia."  
Alis: *walks in whistling* "Uh oh, the expressions have turned serious!"  
Onion: "Alis, you've known Ryoko practically all your lives, right?"  
Alis: "Yep!"  
Firion: "So is it true that Ryoko's a princess?"  
Alis: "So this finally came out, huh?" *shrug* "Yes, Ryoko's a princess. She ran away from Lesalia so she wouldn't be killed over an inheritance dispute. Sad thing is, it ended up happening anyway when a replacement was adopted."  
Lynn: "Does that mean you're the real Ovelia?!"  
Ryoko: "...not in a million years. I had a blood sister named Ovelia."  
Aria: "But you have a brother, right? Dimitri?"  
Ryoko: "Yep. He's my blood brother. We didn't want to die at the hands of either power hungry duke, so we left. Changed our names and fled to Gariland."  
Alis: "It explains why you spoke so formally most of the time."  
Lynn: "And your adaptability with high level magic."  
Ryoko: *shrugs* "But no, don't treat me any differently. I'm just your plain ol' Ryoko. Don't start... what's with the look?"  
Light: "So you really are a princess."  
Ryoko: "Light, please, don't..."  
Light: "That means I can be your royal knight!"  
Ryoko: "...you're my knight anyway."  
Light: "Let me serve you as I served Cosmos!"  
Ryoko: "Did you" *whispers in Light's ear for a few seconds* "to Cosmos, the Goddess of Harmony?"  
Light: *blushes* "Not to the Goddess! Never!"  
Ryoko: "Then I don't want you to serve me like you did her."  
Light: O/o Alis: "And the order has been given! BWAHAHAHA!"  
Ryoko: "Oh shove off, Alis."  
Alis: "No seriously, guys, we're not letting Ryoko get captured so you guys can pretend to be Light Warriors. that's stupid and it could cause a bigger problem than us being broke."  
Lynn: "What if it was the world itself paying Ryoko to keep populating the world with royal members, and not paying Light for being... you know, himself?"  
Ryoko: O_O Firion: "Whoa! That could very well be. I hear the land out here is magical and responds to the needs of the royal family. Right?"  
Onion: "Where did you hear that?"  
Firion: "Perhaps I'm thinking of some other place...?"  
Onion: "I think you are, bro."  
Aria: "It's worth testing out."  
Light: "What?"  
Alis: "That's it! Light, go get steamy with Ryoko! Right now!"  
Ryoko: "Hey!"  
Alis: "Well the bills need to be paid, don't they?"  
Ryoko: *sigh* "Come on, Light... they won't leave us alone until we do."  
Alis: "Damn straight! don't come out until she's too exhausted to move!"  
Light: "Oh for the love of Cosmos!" *picks up Ryoko and they go down the hall*  
Firion: "You think this might solve our money problem?"  
Alis: "If I had a pile of money for everytime Squall and I went at it..."  
Squall: "We'd have to swim through the house like Scrooge McDuck."  
Lynn: "Doesn't this mean we're practically using Ryoko as a prostitute?"

*silence*

Lynn: "You're kidding. You don't care at all?"  
Aria: "I get the feeling that Ryoko doesn't mind."  
Lynn: "Still. Telling her to potentially make babies to make money appear. It's not right."  
Onion: "Do you want to go work the corner, then?"  
Lynn: "ONION!"  
Onion: "I'm just saying that I'm hiring!"  
Alis: "Damn boy..."  
Onion: "I'm a professional pimp, and I take good care of my hos."  
Firion: "THE HELL."  
Squall: "Onion, if you have money to pay hos, then you should have money to help fix the apartment up and buy food. Look at that poor fridge."

*the Fridge opens up, and hundreds of bats fly out, then it's completely empty. Except for a cobweb up in the corner"

Aria: "...ew."  
Lynn: "Suddenly, I'm hungry."  
Onion: "I told you that I have a position opening up. Heh. DOGGIE POSITION."  
Lynn: *gets so angry that she drop kicks Onion out the window*  
Firion: "He deserved that."  
Squall: "Seriously."

*meanwhile, down the hall, in Ryoko and Light's room*

Ryoko: "Don't stop."  
Light: "I don't think I can."  
Ryoko: "I'm almost there."  
Light: "I'm all READY there."

*camera flies through the door in order to find out they're not getting steamy. they're playing Pokemon side by side, hatching eggs.*

Light: "Hatched ONE Feebas egg."  
Ryoko: "These take FOREVER."  
Light: "I know!"  
Ryoko: "Dear, they sent us back here to get steamy. We're playing Pokemon... they're gonna find out that we didn't go at it. You know how they are."  
Light: "Sadly, I do."  
Ryoko: "It wasn't because I'm a princess. That's not why the rain of coins came. It came because of you."  
Light: "That's impossible. I was never paid before for anything."  
Ryoko: "Maybe, you were made to spread love and joy wherever you go?"  
Light: "Or maybe I'm God's whore. Spread the babies around and the almighty pays me for my work."  
Ryoko: *busts out laughing*  
Light: "I could just see it now. I was created to be a sex doll for Ultimecia and Cloud of Darkness, but I was discovered by Prishe and given to the good guys instead." *shudders in fear* "I certainly hope this isn't the case."  
Ryoko: "It's not. You're doing what you were meant to do. Live to your heart's content."  
Light: "People don't get paid to do that."  
Ryoko: "Typically, no, they don't." *puts her 3DS down and climbs onto Light's lap, and is just about to kiss him...*

*Suddenly, a little light glimmers and there's a squeaky little voice*

Voice: "Ryoko! We need your help!"  
Ryoko: "Huh? Sylph?!"  
Light: "Sylph, as in the summon?"  
Ryoko: "The very same." *looks over to see the FF4 sylph trio flapping their green wings* "Well isn't this a surprise. It's been a while since I've seen you last."  
Sylph 1: "We came to seek your help, Ryoko. As a summoner!"  
Ryoko: "Ahhh, it's time to fulfill my side of the pact, huh?"  
Sylph 2: "Please!"  
Ryoko: "All right. Tell me what's wrong?"  
Sylph 3: "Our Lord, Bahamut, is missing. The prayers of summons and summoners have been unanswered for so long that our culture is falling apart. Soon, we may not even have summons for summoners to summon!"  
Light: "That sounds like a serious problem."  
Sylph 2: "It is!"  
Sylph 1: "It is indeed!"  
Sylph 3: "Ryoko, can you help us?"  
Ryoko: "I swear on my duty as a summoner of Ivalice, I will help you find Bahamut. Don't worry, Sylph!"  
Sylph 2: "Yay!"  
Light: "Shall we gather the party together?"  
Ryoko: "Yeah, I'm going to need Alis' airship for this."  
Light: "Fair enough." *gets up and walks out of the room. Ryoko watches*  
Ryoko: "Dat ass. Mmmmm." *realizes the sylph trio are still there* "Oh, um, sorry."  
Sylph 3: "We will await you in the Sealed Cave, Ryoko..."  
Ryoko: "Gotcha. The Sealed Cavern."

*the Sylphs vanish with a poof of light*

Ryoko: "It's time for the Sequel to my last game where I defeated Awkward Cloud all ready... what a weird existence!" 


	18. Trolls, Trolls everywhere

Fanfic: "Omake!" S3E2 Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy.  
Genres: Everything there is. All of them. Ever.  
Warnings: Too many to list anymore.

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN NONE OF THIS.

~Fic Start!~

Light: *walks in to find that Alis is watching him carefully* "Is there something on my face?"  
Alis: "No, but shouldn't there be a Ryoko on your face right now?"  
Light: *gives her a weird stare* "Everyone, there is something we need to attend to!"  
Lynn: "You're throwing a baby shower?"  
Firion: "You're going grocery shopping?"  
Aria: "You're going to take us all out to a fancy dinner?"  
Alis: "You're going to propose to Ryoko?"  
Onion: "You're going to join my business?"

*awkward pause*

Light: "Is everyone done now?"  
Everyone else: *does the anime head nod*  
Light: *sigh* "While Ryoko and I were having our little moment, we were visited by three spirits."  
Aria: "The Ghosts of Christmas!? Light, I thought you had a heart!"  
Lynn: "Eeeeek!"  
Light: "...NO, not THOSE three spirits!"  
Alis: "Then they were the spirits of the goddess who left the Triforce behind as a symbol that they'd been here? Light, I had no idea you were Link in this universe."  
Light: "I'm NOT! God, will you guys shut up for three seconds!?"  
Firion: "We're just trolling you. Shit, man."  
Light: "Humph! They were the three Sylph spirits! You know, the summon, Sylph!"  
Lynn: "From the Balacref Masoleum! You know, the wind shrine in Sylvarant! Light, I had no idea you... you know what, I don't know where to go with that joke." *shrugs*  
Light: "...anyway, Sylph brought a message to Ryoko because she's a summoner. Turns out that Bahamut, the guardian dragon of the whole entire EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE, happens to be missing. Sylph asked Ryoko if she'd help find the God and bring him in to help save the summons and our world."  
Firion: "As it turns out, she said yes. Am I right?"  
Light: "You are."  
Onion: "This means we're going on another adventure! Wheeee! I wanna ride shotgun in the airship!"  
Squall: "Dude, it's my girlfriend's airship. I ALWAYS ride Shotgun."  
Onion: "Aw, nerts." *snaps fingers dejectedly*  
Alis: "But the airship is broke down."  
Light: "What?!"  
Alis: "Why do you think we're stuck here?" *points outside*

*The airship looks like a gigantic saw cut the entire thing in half. One half is lying in the Ivalice Swim Team's practice pool, and the other half is lodged into one of the nearby apartment buildings like a crooked dart. It could fall out at any minute*

Light: "...how the hell did that happen?"  
Squall: "Well..."

*Flashback to where Alis was having a race against another Airship, which looks like a Chinese crappy copy version of the Highwind from FF7... with huge ass buzz saw hands for arms.*

Squall: "Ryoko! Stop butting into my flashback!"  
Ryoko: "But it made more sense that way."  
Squall: "Let me tell it like it happened!"  
Ryoko: "Okay fine..."

*Flashback starts again, where Alis was having a race against aother airship, which looks like a Chinese crappy copy version the Ragnarok from FF8... but it had buzz saw-mounted torpedos where the hands should be.*

Squall: "ARIA."  
Aria: "I'm just trying to make sense of the whole thing."  
Squall: "Buzz saws were not even involved in that. It was actually a spell that broke the airship."  
Alis: "Stop trying to tell it in Flashbacks!"  
Squall: "Yeah so we were having this daredevil race up in the sky with another airship and the guy driving it cast a thunder spell so damn big on us that it broke the ship, okay?!"  
Firion: "Daaaamn, son. How the fuck?"  
Squall: "It was like ElectricPickle had returned with a vengence."  
Onion: "...ElectricPickle?"  
Squall: "One of my GFs."  
Lynn: "You dated a girl named ElectricPickle?!"  
Aria: ROFLMAO Squall: "God you guys are just trolls today."  
Light: "Tell me about it."  
squall: "I don't want to."  
Light: "And you don't have to..."  
Ryoko: "So the airship is busted! So now how am I going to find Bahamut?!"  
Alis: "Duh, you summon him."  
Ryoko: "I tried that a while back and he didn't answer my call!"  
Lynn: "Maybe he went on vacation."  
Ryoko: "To WHERE?!"  
Lynn: "What's a good vacation spot here in Ivalice?"

*they all think for a while*

Lynn: "Give up yet? I think he went to Zeltienna!"  
Aria: "What leads you to think that?"  
Lynn: *holds up a newspaper*

Newspaper: "ZELTIENNA DESTROYED BY GOD OF ALL EXISTENCE FOR CRAPPY SERVICE AT LOCAL APPLEBEE'S. FOOD CRITICS NOT SURPRISED WHATSOEVER."

Ryoko: "When did you get this?!"  
Lynn: "While you and Light were off having some time alone, the newspaper was delivered to our door. Aren't you guys glad I pay the fee to get the paper on Sundays just to read the comic page now?"  
Aria: "Ehhhh..."  
Alis: "Wouldn't we have found out anyway?"  
Lynn: "...why the hell do we even live together?"  
Onion: "Great pay with benefits, now with Onion's Prostitution Market!"  
Lynn: "How did you get back here?!"  
Onion: "I respawned after you killed me. I still have 30 lives left from that time I got stuck in Pipe Land trying to get to the Dissidia alternate world."  
Lynn: "Troll me again!"  
Alis: "If we have to get to Zeltienna, I could try warping us there."  
Ryoko: "Put your staff away."  
Alis: "Oh, you'll warp back to Aselia, but you won't warp to Zeltienna. Priorities, sister!"  
Ryoko: "I'll go rent some chocobos."  
Aria: "With what money?"  
Ryoko: *holds up a bag of coins* "Come on, dearly beloved, let's go save the world."  
Light: "Yes, coming, my love!" *walks with her out the front door*  
Squall: "Why do I get the feeling we're supposed to go along?"  
Alis: "Because we aren't. Let's go anyway."  
Lynn: "I think they can do it on their own."  
Onion: "Without crazy hijinks? I think not!"  
Firion: "Let's go mess with them anyway! Besides, they might go out to eat with that money and I want to be there for it!"  
Onion: LOL! *hi-fives Firion* "Bro, you da MAN!"  
Aria: "I don't have anything planned for today, so we might as well go."  
Everyone: *follows Ryoko and Light*

*meanwhile, at the Finath River*

Sephiroth: "Fuck, this mud is ruining my boots! AND it's getting in my hair!? Seriously, this is not..."  
Kuja: *floats over the whole thing*  
Sephiroth: "KUUUUUUUJAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Kuja: "Yes, my one and only true love?"  
Sephiroth: "What. The. HELL... are we doing... crossing this dirty ass river?!"  
Kuja: "We're going to Zeltienna, of course. I'm going to talk to Bahamut personally. Maybe he'll strike a bargain with me."  
Sephiroth: "...what kind of bargain do you want to make?"  
Kuja: "I want to ask him if I can get lessons in taking over the world, or maybe just a city or two. I'd like to have an army of servants so I can start my own fashion community."  
Sephiroth: "You want to start a fashion community?"  
Kuja: "It would be truly wonderful if every being existed for me to dress up!"  
Sephiroth: "Hmm. I guess that's a much better idea than what I thought you had in mind."  
Kuja: "What, you mean the panda? I've given up on him... as sad as it is, I'm tired of fighting a girl for his love. You'll just have to do."  
Sephiroth: "I am so honored, Snugglebottom!" *totally forgets about trudging in the mud*  
Kuja: "I'm happy to have made you happy."  
Sephiroth: *smiles at the camera. it's creepy as fuck*

*back in Igros*

Ryoko: "I need to rent some Chocobos."  
Chobobilly: "What year do you think this is, 1994? We don't rent chocobos out anymore. Instead, we sell you Chocobo Lure materia."  
Light: "What the hell? This isn't 1997, either."  
Chocobilly: "It doesn't matter. People loved the Chocobo farm in 1997! Millions of fans came to my chocobo farms to make their own golden chocobos!"  
Ryoko: "...got any greens?"  
Chocobilly: "I got a fuckton of Zeio nuts in the back."  
Light: "Yeah that's not going to help."  
Ryoko: "Nevermind. Let's just find an orator to lure some chocobos to our side."  
Light: "Hmm, I don't know anyone with any skills in talking..."  
Onion: "Guys let me do it!"  
Ryoko: "Onion? What are you doing here?"  
Onion: "We're all following you. We're bored."  
Firion: "And we want the pay for being in the episodes to follow."  
Alis: "And we didn't know what you wanted to do for lunch."  
Ryoko: "...it's because the fridge is empty isn't it?"  
Lynn: "I tried to stop them."  
Ryoko: *throws her coin bag at Lynn* "Feed them. We're going to Zeltienna."  
Aria: "But without any money?"  
Ryoko: "We'll figure something out."

*Ryoko and Light walk off by themselves*

Light: "We could be thieves. I hear they're handy in aquiring fundage for adventures."  
Ryoko: "I had to be a thief for a while when I was training to be a Samurai."  
Light: "Oh?"  
Ryoko: "Yeah..."

*Flashback. Shows Ryoko as a thief. She steals 10 gil from a random enemy nearby, then celebrates. The enemy stabs her in the heart and she falls dead on the street of Dorter Trade City*

Ryoko: "And I bled there for so long. Three whole mother fucking turns. It was agnonizing! I was about to fade away when Alis happened to come by and cast Life on me."  
Light: "I'm guessing that's how you met."  
Ryoko: "Actually no, she was following me because when I tried to leave as a time mage, the same thing happened."  
Light: "You tried to steal while being a time mage?"  
Ryoko: "No, I kept trying to leave to find my brother. He left me in Alis' care in Gariland and didn't take me with him! I was going to find a way to find him. Eventually after I finished magic school, I joined a local warrior's guild. Ramza paid the guild to hire me in his group. There I got the real training I needed to be both a summoner and a samurai."  
Light: "Sounds like Ramza was a great leader."  
Ryoko: "He most certainly was!"  
Light: "Ryoko..."  
Ryoko: "Yes?"  
Light: "After this mission, there's something I want to talk to you about."  
Ryoko: "Why can't we talk about it now?"  
Light: "I just can't bring myself to discuss it right now. But I want you to... I need you to..." *looks away* "I need you to be strong for me."  
Ryoko: "What kind of cryptic message is that?!"  
Light: *smiles* "Let's go to the outskirts of town. We can catch a chocobo out there."

*Meanwhile... in Lesalia Imperial City*

Mateus: "Golbez Merriwether Harvey the 17th, will you do me the honor of marrying me?"  
Golbez: "Oh! I thought you'd never ask me! Yes, yes I will!"  
Mateus: *pulls out his magic wand and summons a wedding party* "Then you shall be."  
Golbez: ;W; "It's... everything I ever wanted."  
Mateus: "And there's only more where this came from..." *gets down on his knees and starts to pull off Golbez' armor from his legs*  
Golbez: "D-don't! stop... You, you shouldn't!"

*a bell rings in the distance*

Golbez: "Mateus... ohhh..."

*the bell rings again and suddenly Golbez wakes up from his dream*

Golbez: "...FUUUCK, that was the best dream I've had in eons!" *looks over to see his phone beeping. It looks like the phone the bad guy had in the Fifth Element* "Hello?"  
Mateus: *rolls over from the other side of the bed* "Hi, lover."  
Golbez: "Hush, let me answer this phone call."  
Mateus: "Mmm, fine..."  
Golbez: "Hello? Is this one of those prank callers AGAIN?"  
Weird voice (on the phone, sounding like the evil voice from the Fifth Element) : "Golbez... Golbez... where are you?"  
Golbez: "Oh great. Zemus, what do you want?"  
Zemus: "You are no longer on the Blue Planet..."  
Golbez: "That's because the Blue Planet no longer exists!"  
Zemus: "Kain is also missing."  
Golbez: "So?"  
Zemus: "YOU MUST FIND KAIN FOR MEEEE!"  
Golbez: "How about... no? I don't work for you anymore. I'm through with your evil!"  
Zemus: "By the way, there is something wrong. It seems as if the Moon has no power except myself. The God... Bahamut, he is missing."  
Golbez: "Not my problem."  
Zemus: "I... I CONTROL YOU, GOLBEZ."  
Mateus: *snatches the phone away from Golbez* "Hey you fucking dick, don't call us bright and early in the moring demanding favors! Golbez is his own man now!" *smashes the phone on the floor* "Now, where were we? Ah, yes... you were calling my name out in your sleep."  
Golbez: "I was having a dream about you."  
Mateus: "You were! How splendid."  
Golbez: "It was the most romantic night of my life."  
Mateus: "Let's recreate it."  
Golbez: "As much as I'd love to, it's against the law here in Lesalia."  
Mateus: "You... dreamt we got married?"  
Golbez: *nods*  
Mateus: "That's so sweet."  
Golbez: "Mateus, I suggest we go on a campaign to change Ivalice for the better. Together!"  
Mateus: "Yes, my love, that is an excellent idea!"

*meanwhile, back in Igros...

Aria: "Why did we just spend Ryoko's money on this?"

*there is 75 pizzas sitting there between the three couples*

Onion: "LEFTOVERS!"  
Firion: *is eating so fast he can't talk*  
Squall: "This is damn good pizza!"  
Alis: "This is not going to end well."  
Lynn: "Nope."  
Aria: "Ryoko's gonna kill us when she gets back from Zeltienna." 


	19. Random Encounters

Fanfic: "Omake!" S3E3 Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy.  
Genres: Everything there is. All of them. Ever.  
Warnings: Too many to list anymore.

Disclaimer: I still don't own any of this. anyone know how much it would cost to get the exclusive rights to the Warrior of Light? XD

~Fic Start!~

*on the outskirts of Igros*

Ryoko: *holds up a map of Ivalice* "Zeltienna is on the far east side of the continent."  
Light: *looks at it* "We're not going to be able to make it by ourselves, are we?"  
Ryoko: "The hell? Of course we are!"

*suddenly a group of 10 red chocobos surround them*

Ryoko: "That's just great."  
Light: *summons his Radiant Blades spell*  
Ryoko: "Right on!"

*they hit, but the chocobos are immune to them*

Ryoko: "...what?! I call foul!"  
Light: "This must be one of those fights that we're not supposed to win."  
Ryoko: "Oh I HATE those kinds of fights!"  
Light: "Yeah, they're a plague on the whole RPG genre."  
Ryoko: "Maybe we're supposed to survive for a certain amount of turns?"  
Light: "Then it would make us waste all of our healing items."  
Ryoko: "I know, that's what I hate about these kinds of fights..."

*Meanwhile, in the Igros City Square*

Onion: "My tummy hurts." *flops onto the floor*  
Lynn: "I told you that you shouldn't have eaten so much pizza."  
Onion: "Give me an antidote!"  
Firion: "Bro, you aren't poisioned!"  
Aria: "Grrrreat, first we spend all of Ryoko's money on a stack of pizza, and then Onion gets sick..."  
Alis: "I'm a white mage, here." *casts Esuna on Onion*  
Onion: "...my tummy still hurts!"  
Alis: "Huh? Esuna ALWAYS works." *thinks for a minute* "You're not paralyzed, poisioned, confused, turned to stone, or zombied. Huh... well, this is a sickness that doesn't exist in Ivalice!"  
Onion: "WHAT."  
Alis: "White mages are the ones who are responsible for keeping everyone healthy in Ivalice. Esuna is a spell designed to cure every single disease we have here."  
Aria: "Well that explains a lot."  
Alis: "You must be getting it because you're not originally from this world, Onion."  
Lynn: "So you're saying that we won't find a cure for this at all? He'll just be hurting forever?!"  
Aria: "I hope not. Then Ryoko would REALLY be pissed."  
Alis: "I think we're all ready in the shitter, so you don't have to worry too much about that."  
Squall: "Well, my classmate Zell used to get stomach aches all the time from eating too many hot dogs. Maybe we could do what he did to help the little guy."  
Onion: "What did he do?!"  
Squall: "If I remember right..."

*Flashback to where a young teenage Squall was watching a ten year old Zell run around in circles at Edea's orphanage. Zell gets so dizzy from going in circle so long that he smashes his face into a pole and pukes when he falls onto the ground.*

Onion: "THE FUCK?!"  
Squall: "Then he was up in his bed for a very long time, just so Matron could fix his face."  
Alis: "I don't remember that happening..."  
Squall: "You weren't there!"  
Onion: "I'm not Zell, thanks."  
Squall: "Maan, Seifer thought it was the most hilarious thing since Irvine gave him a whoopee cushion for Christmas."  
Firion: "...I don't want to live in your homeworld."  
Alis: "I wouldn't mind. It's not that bad of a place."  
Lynn: "Must suck if tummy aches exist there."  
Squall: "Zone and Watts got them a lot, too."  
Aria: "Who were they?"  
Squall: "My girlfriend's personal man-whores."  
Alis: "His EX girlfriend's personal man-whores."  
Firion: ROFLMAO Onion: "Maybe your ex and I should hook up!"  
Squall: "She's not your type."  
Alis: "Bitch was a whiny ho."  
Onion: "I like hos."  
Squall: "Emphasis on WHINY."

*And back on the battlefield on the outskirts of Igros.*

*Ten turns have passed since the start of the battle. None of the chocobos have any damage whatsoever.*

Light: *has very few HP left* "Ryoko, you okay over there?"  
Ryoko: "I'm... fine..." *has only 1 HP left and is out of potions and MP*  
Light: "You don't sound it." *looks around* "Maybe we should have brought them along."  
Ryoko: "No way, Light. They all think I'm weak. I have to do this without their help."  
Light: "No one thinks you're weak. Don't kill yourself over your pride."  
Ryoko: "My brother, Alis... even you... you all think I'm weak."  
Light: "I do not think you are weak! I care about you and I'm concerned about your well being, my love, this does not mean I think you are weak."  
Ryoko: "Ha."  
Light: "It's because your secret was revealed, wasn't it? Just because it's exposed that you're of royal blood, you feel like you have something to prove."  
Ryoko: "That's not what this is about!"  
Light: "I call shenanigans."  
Ryoko: *stares down a chocobo* "Come on, you squaking feather-covered shit buckets, you gonna finish this or what?!"  
Light: "Ryoko!" *jumps in the way of a chocobo about to attack her*  
Ryoko: "LIGHT!"  
Light: "I am... a Warrior... of Light. This is... my job." *falls onto the ground, KO'd*  
Ryoko: "NO!" *finds hidden potential within and glows like she's in Trance* "All right, birdies. Let me introduce myself! My true name is Ryoko Ronsenburg. Burn it in your memories!" *draws out her katana and has a field day slicing all of them up but one.* "...and you, Squakers? You'll be coming with me on my adventure or you'll get it, too."

*Squakers the Red Chocobo joined Ryoko's party!*

Ryoko: *fishes through her pockets to find a phoenix down* "Come on, my love, we have a journey to complete."  
Light: *shakes head* "What happened?"  
Ryoko: "It was a scripted battle for sure. But we have a chocobo now. This is Squakers."  
Light: "...Squakers?" *has to hold back a laugh*  
Ryoko: "Yeah. It 15 Brave and 12 Faith. Level... wow, it's never leveled up ONCE!"  
Light: "Well, buddy, aren't you lucky it was a scripted battle! So, Ryoko... since it was a scripted battle, what did you learn?"  
Ryoko: "That I can go into trance!"  
Light: "That's it?!"  
Ryoko: *frowns* "Oh, yeah, and not to be so prideful because it could cost me something precious... like you."  
Light: "Mission Accomplished!"

*the logo from Growlanser 2 comes up that says "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" with the big sword behind it and everything*

Ryoko: "Heeey, this is Final Fantasy Tactics, now Growlanser. We get a 'This Battle is Complete! screen and War Trophies!"  
Light: "Maybe Bahamut being missing has messed up how the gaming world works."  
Ryoko: "That reminds me..."  
Light: "What?"  
Ryoko: "I thought Bahamut only lived on the moon in the world of FFIV. You know, Cecil's world. Think about it. In Squall's world, he was sealed away. In... the Dissidia world's alternate dimension, Bahamut was a Dragon king that gave promotions to worthy warriors."  
Light: "I was under the impression that Bahamut was the same in every world."  
Ryoko: "Oh come on, he's not Gilgamesh."  
Light: "As a summoner, you'll have to ask him yourself. Don't the summons have their own language?"  
Ryoko: "They do."  
Light: "Then you have to be the one to talk to him when we get there. You'll be fine."

*they climb on Squakers and go on their way*

*Back in Igros...*

Aria: "Guys..."  
Alis: "This is horrible!"

*Squall and Firion and holding Onion upside down by his ankles, each standing in a separate tree*

Lynn: "This is NOT going to cure him of his tummy ache!"  
Squall: "But this is how I remember Irvine getting better from one of his body problems."  
Firion: "Maybe he wanted to get over blue balls?"  
Squall: "Now that you mention it."  
Firion: "He was a skirt-chaser, then?"  
Squall: "Man whore doesn't begin to cover it."  
Firion: "There were lots of man whores in your home world, weren't there?"  
Lynn: "Squall! Firion! This isn't very helpful!"  
Squall: "Yeah, and they all wanted ME to join up."  
Firion: "Well, you've got the look for it, you might do well."  
Onion: "Put me DOWN! You guys are making me SICKER!"  
Squall: "Quick, let's make him as sick as we can, then he'll throw it all up and feel better!"  
Onion: "Oh god NO."  
Alis: "...Squall, when you're around other men, you turn into a typical guy." *sigh*  
Aria: "I could say the same for Firion."  
Lynn: "Poor Onion!"  
Aria: "In that respect, Ryoko sure is lucky."  
Alis: "It's hard to not see it that way."  
Squall: "SHAKE HIM!"  
Firion: "I'm SHAKING HIM!"  
Onion: _ ;;  
Lynn: "Oh, Ryoko, why did you leave us behind...?"

*And then, elsewhere...*

Sephiroth: "How long is this river, anyway?"  
Kuja: "It expands the entire east side of the continent."  
Sephiroth: "Must we walk in it the entire time? It's getting SLIMY."  
Kuja: "I suppose... wait, slimy?"  
Sephiroth: "And green."

*suddenly 10 malboros come out of the water*

Kuja: "Oh DEAR."  
Sephiroth: "Even the one winged angel can shudder in fear from... Malboros!"  
Kuja: "Grab on, pudding puff, let's go!"  
Sephiroth: "I hear that, Snugglebottom!" *grabs onto his waist*  
Kuja: *tries to float away, but a Marlboro has snatched Sephy's leg* "You have any magic on you, my love?"  
Sephiroth: "A bit, why?"  
Kuja: "Give them HELL, that's the only way we're getting out of this alive!"

*MEANWHILE, at Bervenia Free City...*

Mateus: "And so I said 'well, if you can't fuck it, you're fucked!'"  
Golbez: ROFLMAO Mateus: "Huh?" *turns to look out the window* "What in Pandemonium...?!"

*suddenly a blur of silver, black and green woosh by the window and two voices are screaming bloody murder. they leave a green goopy trail on the ground. it's fucking disgusting*

Mateus: "Well, well, if it isn't the two angels going on a field trip."  
Golbez: "It's Sephiroth and Kuja? How'd you know?"  
Mateus: "Only Sephiroth screams like that..."  
Golbez: "I didn't know he COULD scream."  
Mateus: "This means Kuja's idea of going to Zeltienna was a flop."  
Golbez: "That's for the best."  
Mateus: "Oh I agree!"  
Golbez: "Uh oh."

*then just as suddenly a pack of Malboros chase after the blur that just went by. the trail they leave is much more disgusting on all levels. it's made of acid so some of the bricks in the road are melting*

Golbez: "You reckon we ought to save them?"  
Mateus: "I'm debating it."  
Golbez: "Well isn't Kuja your best friend?"  
Mateus: "HA! Whatever gave you that idea?"  
Golbez: "The fact that neither of you know how to wear pants."  
Mateus: "...that's the only clue you had?!"  
Golbez: *nod*  
Mateus: "I'm not saving that wimpy whisp."  
Golbez: "Excuse me, then." *walks off*  
Mateus: "Don't tell me you're going to save them?!"  
Golbez: "No. I'm just going to the bathroom."  
Mateus: "Let meeeee come, too~"  
Golbez: -_-

*Right outside the building!*

Sephiroth: "THEY'RE GAINING ON US!"  
Kuja: "AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
Sephiroth: "If we don't make it, Kuja, I just want you to know..."  
Kuja: "Yes?"  
Sephiroth: "I just want you to know that... that..."  
Kuja: "That WHAT?!"  
Sephiroth: "That I totally ate your last cupcake! I lied about it! And I'm sorry!"  
Kuja: *makes disappointed face* "You're forgiven..."

*they run around a corner, and the Marlboros chase after them*

Kuja: "PUDDING PUFF, I LOVE YOU!"  
Sephiroth: "Snugglebottom, the feeling is mutual!"

*they're trapped in a corner*

Sephiroth: *gulp*  
Kuja: *shudders* "Hold me, my love."  
Sephiroth: *holds Kuja*

*two Marlboros sludge forth and stop right in front of the. its breathing is EXTREMELY loud*

Marlboro 1: "Hey dude."  
Sephiroth: ?  
Marlboro 2: "Check it out, guys! They're scared of us!"  
Kuja: ?  
Marlboro 1: "It was a great idea, signing up to be in those Final Fantasy games! Now no one will ever mess with us ever again!"

*All the Marlboros cheer*

Kuja: "Um, excuse me..."  
Marlboro 2: "Sup, dude?"  
Kuja: "Weren't you trying to kill us?"  
Marlboro 3: "Nah, man, we were testing out Boboro's theory!"  
Marlboro 4: "Nah, man, Tomboro thought it up. I just suggested it to everyone."  
Sephiroth: "Marlboros... are a race of slimy frat boys?"  
Malboro 1: "Duuuuuude, let's go tell Billboro! Then we'll get high on some echo herbs!"  
Malboro 3: "YEEEEEEEEAH, bitches!"

*The Marlboros sludge away together, hootin' and hollerin'.*

Sephiroth: "...I don't understand Ivalice at all!"  
Kuja: "I don't either!"

*they cry on each other*

*MEANWHILE, back in Igros...*

Onion: "You know what? I feel better now!"  
Squall: "You do?!"  
Firion: "We did it!"  
Aira: "...oh realy?"  
Onion: "Being sick is nothing compared to you two trying to cure me."  
Lynn: "No kidding. I was feeling horrible just watching you to trying to 'cure' him."  
Alis: "Oh yes. It was indeed torture." 


	20. A Cry of Revenge

Fanfic: "Omake!" S3/E4 Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy.  
Genres: Everything there is. All of them. Ever.  
Warnings: Too many to list anymore.

Disclaimer: Sadly, I still don't know how to get the rights to Final Fantasy... anything from it. If I did, I would be rich and extremely smart!

~Fic Start!~

*while riding on Squakers*

Ryoko: "I think it might be quicker to catch a ship over to Zeltienna."  
Light: "Where's the ship?"  
Ryoko: "Warjilis."  
Light: *looks at the map* "That might be a good idea."  
Ryoko: "I thought so."

*they ride to Warjilis. The footage in fast-forwarded. You see blurry clips of everything from them having really passionate sex to fighting monsters to eating to riding to the port. It takes them a week to get there.*

Ryoko: "Here we are! Warjilis Trade City!"  
Light: "I thought it was a port."  
Ryoko: "Maybe in the retranslation, but I remember it being Warjilis Trade City from my youth."  
Light: "What... retranslation?"  
Ryoko: "A few years ago, some executive douches went around relabeling shit because the Gods were gonna revisit us or something. That's how the entire class of Mediator became known as Orator, and lots of other silly stupid stuff."  
Light: "Silly?"  
Ryoko: "Renaming a lot of the monsters in the world, stuff like that."  
Light: "Oh..."

*they come to the docks*

Light: "So! Let's buy a ticket to ride to Zeltienna!"  
Ryoko: *remembers she left her purse with Aria* "Dammit, fresh out of gil."  
Light: "Well there's a sign here that shows what other currencies they take."  
Ryoko: "That's weird."

*The sign next to the boats shows that they accept silver, gald, gold pieces, mesetas, rupees, bits, wong, yen, dollars, pesos, Argentine pesos, coins, Euros, zeni, marks, francs, and gil. It also shows boarding times, hours of operation, disclaimers about how crappy the ships are, and there's a HUGE warning poster at the very bottom about a sea monster that looks a hell of a lot like Leviathan.*

Ryoko: "Well, I've been to Aselia before. I might have some gald in here somewhere." *searches all her pockets in both her dress and her cape*

*MEANWHILE, back in Igros...*

*During that week, life went on about as usual back at the apartment.*

Onion: "Hey, Aria, I have a question for you."  
Aria: "And what's that?"  
Onion: "Exactly why did you guys get an apartment? You were three adults living together, right? Why didn't you get a house?"  
Aria: *nods* "You have to realize that this apartment is actually paid for by Lord Ramza. It was his present to thank us for helping him during the Lion War."  
Lynn: "Yeah when Agiras, Orlandu, and Meliadoul joined the army, he didn't need us anymore, so he gave us this place to stay so we wouldn't be homeless."  
Firion: "So who's paying for it now?"  
Aria: *shrug* "Ramza's family, I think."  
Lynn: "I thought he paid for it in full on the spot."  
Aria: "Oh yeah, that's possible. Then he signed it over to me, Ryoko, and Lynn."  
Lynn: "I have a real home now!"  
Onion: "...so what's Alis doing here again?"  
Alis: "My ship broke down, smartass. I'm bunking here because I can't get back to Gariland!"  
Squall: "We could rent chocobos."  
Alis: "I guess, but who wants to travel that way? Chocobos are smelly."  
Aria: "They're not smelly, so much as they have a very unique scent."  
Firion: "What's that supposed to mean?"  
Aria: "Well, I once had to cross the country from Limberry. And a pack of 10 red chocobos saved my life."

*A dramatic DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN plays out of nowhere.*

Squall: "The fuck was that?!"  
Aria: "That's my text message sound." *gets out her phone*  
Alis: "Why?"  
Lynn: "Because she only gets text messages when shit is going down."  
Aria: "...what?! My friends, the red chocobos... they've been slaughtered outside Igros?!" *makes a really mad face at the camera* "This will NOT go unpunished!"  
Firion: "Wait a minute. How do you know it was them?"  
Aria: "Because all of them had a specific kind of birthmark."  
Squall: "Ohhh."  
Aria: "Says nine were killed, the last was stolen."  
Onion: "Who sent you the message?"  
Aria: "The Birdies Company that I used to work for."  
Lynn: "I guess you're going to want to go on a quest for revenge now, huh?"  
Aria: "Damn straight I do."

*AND THEN, back at the port in Warjilis...*

*Ryoko has searched all of her pockets in all of her alternate classes, she's standing there a complete mess, wearing the dress of the samurai, the cape of the summoner, and the hat of the blue mage while holding all three weapons up somehow.*

Ryoko: "GAHHHHH."  
Light: "So much for taking the ship."  
Ryoko: "I swear every pocket I have has holes in it!"  
Light: "...I suppose when you get home you'll have to buy some new ones."  
Ryoko: "WHAT. I hate shopping! I'll wear the same outfits until I die!"  
Light: O_o;  
Ryoko: "I didn't mean to scare you."  
Light: "Something feels weird..."  
Ryoko: "What do you mean?"  
Light: "...someone is out for us. I can sense it. We're being hunted!"  
Ryoko: "I have enough trouble as it is!"  
Squaker: "KWEH!"  
Light: "What's that, boy? Timmy fell in the well?!"  
Squaker: "Kweh..."  
Light: LOL Ryoko: "That was horrible. Stop trying to be funny, Light, you can't do it."  
Light: "Well he obviously wants to tell us SOMETHING."  
Ryoko: "Ha ha."

*suddenly a group of Marlboros pass by, hooting and hollering*

Ryoko: "um."  
Light: "I'm going to pretend I didn't see that."  
Ryoko: "Since when did Marlboros walk through the town like they were people?"  
Light: "I... don't know."  
Ryoko: "Tell ya, this world is going to hell in a handbasket."  
Light: "Eeeeyep."

*BUT SOMEWHERE ELSE, in the middle of Zeltienna...*

Bahamut (as voiced by the same voice actor who plays Mordecai on Regular Show): "I don't want to ever go home. I have the best throne here... the city is bringing me its virgins to snack on... ahhhh..."  
Sylph: *randomly appear* "Oh, Lord Bahamut! We have come bearing a message for you."  
Bahamut: "What? From who?!"  
Sylph: "From Leviathan, lord of the sea."  
Bahamut: "What's the old fogey want?"  
Sylph: "It is time to leave the mortals alone, and return home to the moon."  
Bahamut: "HA! Tell that loser that I'm never going home."  
Sylph: "He has had us recruit a summoner from this world to convince you otherwise, Lord Bahamut."  
Bahamut: "A mortal, hmmm? Whoever he is, I'll smoke him! He won't stand against my Megaflare."  
Sylph: "She will be coming via ship."  
Bahamut: "She? I hope she's a virgin!"  
Sylph: "She is not."  
Bahamut: "You guys trying to make my life hell? Because that's what you're doing! I don't want to be the God of the Summons any longer! I want to be free of taking care of all you pissant summons!"  
Sylph: "The daughter of the Ronsenburg family will approach you."  
Bahamut: "Oh, WHAT?! You got Ryoko Ronsenburg?!" *shakes head* "Ah, man, she's the one human I like! I even made a pact with her to destroy the worst eatery in existence, which I did when I heard her call. Sad thing is, I expected her to be here. I've been waiting for her ever since I landed..."  
Sylph: "Well she is coming your way."  
Bahamut: "Hm! Hm! I eagerly await her arrival!"

*BACK IN IGROS...*

Aria: "I will avenge you, my friends! I am..." *comes out of the closet in a super hero outfit* "Chocolady!"  
Onion & Lynn: ROFLMAO!  
Aria: "That name sucks, doesn't it?"  
Firion: "Kinda."  
Aria: "I'll be The Red Feather!"  
Squall: "Just call yourself Chick-o-bo."  
Alis: "..."  
Squall: "Everyone would remember it."  
Alis: "..." *gives him a weird look*  
Aria: "Maybe I shouldn't be a super hero." *changes classes back to dancer* "I'll have to call the best fashion designer I know for this." *gets out her phone and dials a 20 digit number* "Hey you~ Can you do me a favor? Yeah, I'm looking for revenge for my pack of chocobos and... what? Yeah, yeah, that's awesome! Cool! I'll be over there in a few days." *she hangs up*  
Firion: "Who'd you call?"  
Aria: "Mateus!"  
Everyone else: "DO WHAT?!"  
Aria: "He's the best fashion designer on this side of Ivalice."  
Firion: "But he's also my arch rival!"  
Aria: "Settle your score after he makes me a costume."  
Onion: "I guess you're gonna go on your quest now, aren't you?"  
Aria: "I won't leave you behind if you want to go."  
Lynn: "I want to go! I'm tired of feeling left out!"  
Onion: "Yeah."  
Alis: "I'll pass."  
Squall: ?  
Alis: "I just... I get the feeling this is connected to Ryoko somehow. My sisterly intuition kicking in."  
Squall: "She's not your real sister."  
Alis: "No, but I care about her like she is." *walks to the window* "Squall, come on. there's something we need to take care of." *uses her staff and warps her out of there*  
Onion: "There's no point. We're all gonna meet up in Zeltienna ANYWAY."  
Firion: "Yeah I was just thinking the same thing." 


	21. Setzer's Used Airship Lot

Fanfic: "Omake!" S3/E4 Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy.  
Genres: Everything there is. All of them. Ever.  
Warnings: Too many to list anymore.

Disclaimer: Do I have to do this EVERY TIME?!

~Fic start!~

*Alis and Squall are outside, assessing the damage on the airship*

Alis: "We really need the airship to work."  
Squall: "Well if you hadn't gotten into that drag race..."  
Alis: "You didn't tell them who it was against."  
Squall: "It doesn't matter if you were drag racing with the damn pope, it was still a bad idea."  
Alis: "I did it to protect Ryoko. I had to do it, and I had to win."  
Squall: "Looks like because he destroyed the thing, you lost."  
Alis: *sigh* "I know... my sister is in danger. I..." *gets a lightbulb* "I have an idea!"  
Squall: "We're fucked royally, aren't we?"  
Alis: "Shut up! I'm gonna go back in time and steal the airship from myself before I even make that bet! That way Ryoko is safe from that idiot and we get to keep the airship!"  
Squall: "...no, because if that would work, we would have it by now."  
Alis: "Huh?"  
Squall: "You don't understand time travel. Do not fuck with it. Hopping though different worlds in the multiverse is fine, because you're not fucking with the space-time continuum, but if you go back in time, there's something you could just mess up entirely!"  
Alis: "Well what if I go to another world and swipe another airship?"  
Squall: "Or maybe we could go to the used airship lot?"  
Alis: "What?"

*Squall points behind the swim team's practice pool, where there is a used airship lot, much like a used car lot.*

Alis: "How did I not know that was there?"  
Squall: "You've lived in Gariland so long, it makes sense that you don't know much about Igros."  
Alis: "Yeah."

*MEANWHILE, in Warjilis Trade City...*

*Light and Ryoko are still searching for money to buy the tickets to ride the boat to Zeltienna.*

Ryoko: "Hey, look, over there! There's a pot!"  
Light: "What do you mean?"  
Ryoko: "If the Legendary Instruction Manual is correct, we should lift it over our heads and smash it!"  
Light: O_o; "I thought we were supposed to search inside it?"  
Ryoko: "that works, too! Come on!"

*they run up to the pot*

Light: *looks inside it* "Hey, look, it's 2 gold pieces."  
Ryoko: *picks it up* "RAHH!" *smashes it on the ground* "Ha! A blue rupee!"  
Light: "Well that was an out of world experience."  
Ryoko: "I know. Two different currencies not even from this world."  
Light: "Bahamut needs to go back to the moon! He's making all the worlds blend and blur together!"  
Ryoko: "Yeah... let's keep looking for things to search in and smash! We'll get there!"  
Light: "Good idea!"

*AND SO, back at the apartment...*

*Aria, Lynn, Firion, and Onion are playing Truco*

Lynn: "Envido."  
Firion: "Quero."  
Lynn: "Bam, 31!"  
Firion: "Well damn. You got me there. I only had a 25."  
Aria: *writes down the points* "And that wins you guys the game."  
Onion: "We do make a damn good team."  
Lynn: ^_^ Onion: "So, um, Aria, I thought you had to go meet Mateus."  
Aria: "Yeah, you're right. It's just he's not expecting me for a few days."  
Firion: "Isn't he still living in Lesalia?"  
Aria: "That's the thing, though. He's on vacation right now in Bervenia."  
Onion: "Ohhh."  
Lynn: "How do you keep up with this?"  
Aria: "I'm his friend on Facebook and on Twitter. I swear, this phone is a lifesaver!"  
Firion: "Ha. So, how are we getting there?"  
Onion: "Let's go rent some chocobos."  
Lynn: *thinks for a moment, then gets out her Control-o-Matic* "After being on the charger for two whole seasons, this is sure to come in handy!"  
Aria: "Yeah we really could have used it before."  
Lynn: "It's a major reason as to why we got into so much trouble. That could have freed us from Jecht's machine and spared us the cancellation of Season 2."  
Onion: "Let's do something else now."  
Firion: "Dude, hook the Wii up, I totally want to play some King of Fighters!"  
Onion: "DONE!"

*BUT THEN, in Bervenia..."

Golbez: "We're going home early?"  
Mateus: "The sad fact is, my dear, I do owe the dancer a favor."  
Golbez: "How she get YOU in her favor?"  
Mateus: "Well, you see..."

*Flashback to a few weeks back, before the start of season three, but after season 2 was cancelled. Mateus and Aria meet in a dark alleyway. Aria hands him a paperbag with a devilish smile on her face. Mateus squees with glee. After Aria walks away, Mateus opens the paper bag. It's a video tape of a never-before-seen Back to the Future movie: "Back to the Future 4: Marty Done Fucked Shit up!"*

Golbez: "The hell?! Why?! HOW?!"  
Mateus: "Aria has contacts all over the multiverse. In one alternate world, a 4th Back to the Future was made, and now... I have the only copy of it in existence. I do owe her a big favor for being able to get it for me, of course."  
Golbez: "You're doing this for a horrible movie sequel?"  
Mateus: "No, no, no, lovely. I'm doing this for my fandom! I know it's a horrible movie sequel that shouldn't exist, but it DOES, and now I have it!"  
Golbez: "You're a Fanboy... I never knew that."  
Mateus: "Very few things actually catch my interest like Back to the Future."  
Golbez: "I suppose when this is all over, you'll have to introduce me to it."  
Mateus: "You've never seen it?!"  
Golbez: "You have to realize I'm from a world without any technology except airships."  
Mateus: "So am I, but I still know the stories! In my world, they were printed as books. I found one when Firionel dropped it in my Dreadnaught saving a fake Princess Hilda! Oh I loved that trap! Anyway, I found the book and I fell in love with the story."  
Golbez: "Uh... huh."  
Mateus: "So let's get to packing. I will do as she asks, but... I'll still get my way."  
Golbez: "What do you mean by that?"  
Mateus: "Kuja thinks HE is the greatest fashion designer on this side of Ivalice. Now I will get the chance to prove him wrong! Firionel will wear my ultimate outfit and Kuja will have no choice but to bow down to my designing capabilities!"  
Golbez: "Don't turn this into a conflict with Kuja. We all ready have enough issues with him."  
Mateus: "Oh, no. Insulting me, calling me a Giant Yellow Lobster. I've never forgiven him and I never will!"

*a scary DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNNNN plays in the background*

Golbez: "Whoa. What was that?"  
Mateus: "My ringtone."  
Golbez: "...why?"  
Mateus: "Because it's fucking awesome."  
Golbez: *sweatdrop*

*AND BACK IN WARJILIS...*

Ryoko: "We've come up with 60 rupees, 37 gold coins, 3 mesetas, an antiode, a cigarette made of echo herbs covered in Marlboro gunk."  
Light: "What do you do with that... and why would Marlboros have it?"  
Ryoko: "They were frat boys. Who knows what the hell they'd want with it."  
Light: "yeeeeah."  
Ryoko: "Let's go buy us a ticket now."  
Light: "Sounds good!"

*they go to the ticket stand, where they see the line extends all the way to the outskirts of town*

Light: "Um."  
Ryoko: *frustrated puffs appear above her head* "Oooh, I've had enough with this town. Light, dear, avert your eyes."  
Light: "Why?"  
Ryoko: "I'm about to do something completely illegal."  
Light: "But, my beloved, you shouldn't-"  
Ryoko: "My name is Ryoko Ronsenburg! Burn it in your memory!" *throws her hands up and starts a summon spell* "To the mighty guardian of the earth, I ask that you rip the ground asunder to swallow my enemies whole!"  
Light: "Ryoko-"

*the ground opens up, and a gigantic man wearing nothing but a fur thong appears and throws everyone in the line into the whole. Then he looks back at Ryoko, gives her a wink, and goes back the way he came. Half of the port of Warjilis is destroyed.*

Ryoko: "There." *dusts her hands off*  
Light: "Ryoko! That was uncalled for!"  
Ryoko: "We don't have time to argue about a little collateral damage, Light! Bahamut is on the rampage in Zeltienna, and if we don't get there soon the whole world's gonna be a blur! A few sacrifices are might be needed, but who cares?! This is about saving the whole multiverse!"  
Light: "Your nature is more chaotic than I gave it credit for."

*they go to the ticket stand now*

Attendant: *has a fat beer belly sticking out from under his armor and his hair is straggly, stringy, knotted and in a total mess. He stinks, too* "Wanna ticket?" *belches incredibly loudly for no apparent reason*  
Ryoko: "YES!"  
Attendant: "That'll be ten billion gil."  
Light: -_- *is not amused*  
Ryoko: "Hi, I'm a summoner and I'm trying to reach Zeltienna so the rampaging God of EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE doesn't destroy the whole world, okay? Can you just accept this?" *throws what money they have on the table* "And then I'll kill the sea monster on the way there, too."  
Light: "What?"  
Attendant: "You'll kill the great sea snake?"  
Ryoko: "Oh yeah I will. Just take me to Zeltienna all ready."  
Light: "You don't know what you're getting into."  
Ryoko: "Yes I do."  
Light: "You're gonna kill a sea serpent?!"  
Attendant: "Sure, get on the boat now!"

*they get on the boat*

Light: "Ryoko, this isn't gonna end well. Call the deal off."  
Ryoko: "That poster had a sea snake that looks exactly like Leviathan! If it IS Leviathan, I can convince him not to bother the people anymore."  
Light: "But what if it isn't?"  
Ryoko: "Then you and I will have a job to do."  
Light: *sigh*

*AND BACK IN IGROS, on the other side of the swim team's pool...*

Alis: "Wow, a used airship lot. Let's go buy one."  
Squall: "Hmm."

*they walk on the airship lot, and are greeted by a tall, white haired man wearing a pirate's jacket with fluffy frills. He has scars all over his face and is holding up the Ace of Spades in his hand like he's gonna throw it at them*

Squall: "Well, it's been a while since I've seen that old buzzard."  
Alis: "You know him?"  
Squall: "Oh yeah. Let me handle this." *walks up to the Lot Attendant* "Yo, Setzer, the hell are you doing in Ivalice?!"  
Setzer: "The same could be said to you, you anti-social prick."  
Squall: "Whatever. We need to buy an airship."  
Setzer: "What would you like?"  
Squall: "Something that can stand to magic, travel through gates to other worlds, can survive dangerous drag racing, and has a radar in it that can detect magical artifacts."  
Setzer: "That kind of baby, hmm? What about this First Edition Strahl?"

*points at an airship. It's an earlier model of the airship Alis stole years ago. but it's also covered in rust!*

Alis: "YES, that one is perfect!"  
Setzer: "Do you have 20 billion gil?"  
Alis: *sputter* "Excuse me?"  
Setzer: "Do you have 20 billion gil?!"  
Squall: "Mofo, we ain't gonna pay 20 billion gil for a fucking airship."  
Setzer: "Well, if you have 20 billion gil, then you can buy a better airship than that."

*points at one right next to it. It's the Invincible from FF3*

Setzer: "That baby has quarters you could live in, a chocobo stable, a bar, a swimming pool, fuck... it's got everything."  
Alis: "That would solve the bills problem at the apartment, and make it to where I could live with Ryoko and her party."  
Squall: "If it has quarters to live in and a whole bunch of frills, it's like buying a house... a FLYING house."  
Alis: "Yeah, exactly."  
Setzer: "You want it?"  
Alis: "I'LL TAKE IT."  
Squall: "What are you gonna pay him with?!"  
Alis: *hands Setzer a bag* "This pouch has an unlimited amount of coins in it. Every time you reach inside, you'll find 10,000 gil. Eventually, you'll have more gil than this thing costs."  
Setzer: "SOLD!" *gives her the keys*  
Squall: "How'd you get THAT kind of artifact?!"  
Alis: "You don't know where I've been with Ryoko on our multiverse adventures."  
Squall: "I don't even want to know at this rate."  
Alis: "Let's go pick everyone up and find Ryoko."  
Squall: "Sounds like a plan." 


	22. Alis and the Airship, part II!

Fanfic: "Omake!" S3/E6 Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy.  
Genres: Everything there is. All of them. Ever.  
Warnings: Too many to list anymore.

Disclaimer: No, really, I keep telling you that I don't own none of this here stuff except my character. The other OCs belong to my best friends, now stop asking.

~Fic start!~

*AT THE APARTMENT...*

Aria: "So I said 'well fuck, I got nothin'!'"  
Firion: LOL Onion: "Your stories are the best!"  
Lynn: "Does anyone hear that sound?"  
Onion: "It sounds like propellers..."  
Firion: "Bro...?"

*they all look out the window and see Alis on the balcony of the Invincible*

Alis: "Come check this baby out!" *raises her wand and teleports them all inside the ship*  
Squall: "Welcome home, everyone."  
Aria: "What?"  
Alis: "We bought ourselves a house. A flying house."  
Onion: "It... reeks of chocobo."  
Lynn: "CHOCOBOS!?" *runs off to see the stable*  
Squall: "Yeah I figured that would happen."  
Alis: *shrug* "Anyway, there's four bedrooms, a whole living room, kitchen, bathrooms for each room, I mean, this is like a flying fucking penthouse!"  
Aria: "And you want us all to move onto the ship?"  
Firion: "Well, if she owns it, we wouldn't have to worry about the bills anymore..."  
Alis: "Yep yep!"  
Onion: "Who'd you steal it from?"  
Alis: "I didn't steal it, I bought it! Fair and square!"  
Squall: "Yeah, she actually paid for it."  
Aria: "How the hell are we gonna move all our shit?"  
Alis: "Leave that to me!"

*Alis teleports herself into the apartment, casts a huge ass spell, then warps back into the ship. She does it in five waves of her wand, each filling one room. When all the bedrooms are done, then she living room is teleported exactly in the common room of the ship with little effort. All the furniture, decorations, displays and electronics are hooked up in the same way they were inside the apartment.*

Alis: *breathes heavy* "No more... magic from me for a bit."  
Aria: "What you did was pretty impressive. You didn't even need to do that!"  
Squall: "Now, we have to go take care of business!"  
Aria: "Yeah, so drop me off at Lesalia. I have to meet up with someone."  
Squall: "Sure. I'll take the wheel. Baby, you should go lay down."  
Alis: "I will. I'm... so exhausted." *slumps off to her room*  
Firion: "Dude, your girlfriend's amazing."  
Squall: "Yeah, she can be. She's used that power of hers to do some bad things a few times before, though. Trying to make it to where Ryoko can't enter an entire world once. Yeah, that didn't end very well."  
Aria: "You don't find that very controlling in the least?"  
Squall: "Ryoko doesn't say anything about it. Not directly, anyway."  
Firion: "Well has anyone asked her how she felt about traveling to other worlds?"  
Squall: "Oh I know how Ryoko feels about it. She's made different lives in every world she's gone to, and by the time we get her back, she hates the fact that we show the fuck back up and drag her back here. Until Light came into her life, she absolutely hated Ivalice."  
Firion: "You think she might want to go back and stay there?"  
Squall: "I always got that impression. But Alis kept dragging her back here. Repeatedly."  
Aria: "I wonder why."  
Squall: *shrugs* "Probably stuff I shouldn't be talkin' about."  
Firion: "Fair enough."

*AND ON THE SHIP TO ZELTIENNA...*

Light: "There are some days where I feel very left behind."  
Ryoko: "Why's that?"  
Light: "I think I gained more humanity living with you than I ever had before, but... there are still some things that confuse the daylights out of me."  
Ryoko: "Like?"

*suddenly the skies get dark and the sea serpent shows up out of absolutely NOWHERE*

Light: "Like how no one noticed that was coming."  
Ryoko: *grunt* "This is my job, my love. I'll handle this!" *walks up to the front of the ship* "Hey, Leviathan! It's me! Ryoko!"  
Sea monster: "I am not Leviathan!"  
Ryoko: "You're not?"  
Sea monster: "I... am OGOPOGO!"  
Ryoko: *facepalm* "so that's why you looked like him..."  
Light: "What's wrong?"  
Ryoko: "Ogopogo is the dark, evil twin of Leviathan!"  
Light: "We have the worst luck in the world."  
Ryoko: "I'm aware of that." *looks back at Ogopogo* "Ogopogo, can't you go back to the moon? You guarded the Masamune for centuries. Why are you raging in the sea?"  
Ogopogo: "Well, if you really want to know..."

*FLASHBACK... Ogopogo is on the moon, curled up next to the stand that holds his beloved sword. A pink puff comes by, wiggles its tail in Ogopogo's face very mockingly, and Ogopogo chases it. The chase goes all around the moon, then through space down to the world below. The scenery in the background changes through various 8 and 16 bit Final Fantasy battle environments while Pink Puff continues to get away from Ogopogo.*

Ryoko: "Well that explains why Sephiroth got the Masamune with no effort."  
Light: "Yeah."  
Ryoko: "How can we make you go back home? I gotta get to Zeltienna to talk to Bahamut, and you're keeping the ships on this side of the ocean."  
Ogopogo: "Can you catch the pink puff?"  
Light: "If the dark Sea serpent Ogopogo can't catch the pink puff, what hope do we humans have?"  
Ogopogo: "If you promise you can catch the Pink puff, then I will let all ships pass. But you have to bring me the pink puff before the end of the month or I will find you and punish you for going back on your end of the deal!"  
Light: "Can we do thi..."  
Ryoko: "DEAL!"  
Light: "...will you ever listen to me?!"  
Ryoko: "I listen to you."  
Light: "We'll forget about the pink puff before we catch it. You should make some other deal with Ogopogo."  
Ryoko: "This is the only chance we have."

*Ogopogo picks up the boat and throws it east as hard as he can*

Ogopogo: "Thanks, Ryoko! You're the best!"

*The boat flies for a few hundred miles until it slams straight into a mountain, then breaks apart into splinters. Everyone's safe, though, because they all land in a forest. Well okay a few people break some bones, but who's counting?*

Ryoko: "Zeltienna! We're here!" *falls out of a tree*  
Light: *landed on his tush* "Why didn't I have more cushion on my behind?"  
Ryoko: "Who cares? I like your butt the way it is. Now let's get to work!"

*they walk out of the forest to see that Zeltienna is very little more than a skidmark now, and there's a gigantic dragon sitting in the center of it*

Ryoko: "Lord Bahamut! I've come to speak with you!"

*the dragon turns around and blows smoke out of his nostrils right at her*

Bahamut (still voiced by Mordecai from Regular Show): "So you've come. Sylph told me you would."  
Ryoko: "I'm a summoner of Ivalice. You remember me, don't you?"  
Bahamut: "Of course. I heard your call, but you weren't here."  
Ryoko: "My call? You mean..."

*FLASHBACK to where Ryoko tried to summon Bahamut at the Nyan Cat Karaoke Bar*

Ryoko: "But the Nyan Cat Karaoke Bar has the absolute worst service in the history of existence! Why didn't you come there?"  
Bahamut: "This Applebee's has even worse service than the bar!"  
Ryoko: *blink blink* "You're kidding me, Lord of all Creation. That bar couldn't even serve two pieces of cheesecake. They didn't even MAKE THEIR OWN CHEESECAKE, all they had to do was put it on a damn plate and serve it to us!"  
Bahamut: "This Applebee's was taking their trash from one day, throwing it into a pot, grinding it down into patties, and turning it into burgers for the next day! Imagine that you have a burger made of steak fat, overcooked noodles, rotten french fries, and fruit peels!"  
Light: "Whoa! That is detestable. Truly detestable! How'd they even stay in business?"  
Bahamut: "Well the day I was called down from my home on the moon, it was their second day of service and they all ready had obtained the title of Worst Eatery in the History of EVER."  
Ryoko: "My Lord Bahamut, please listen to me. This world is starting to fray at its edges. Other aspects of worlds in the multiverse are blending into this one. You have to return to the moon so we can keep the worlds seperate. Imagine what would happen if all worlds started to blend together, sir!"  
Light: "The world is starting to exist by new rules, even more rules than usual. I mean, why else would we find Gold pieces and Rupees in a port town's garbage alley? That's not Final Fantasy rules, we get stuff out of treasure chests, not trash barrels!"  
Ryoko: "Please, you must return to the moon, Lord Bahamut." *bows before him*  
Light: *bows, too*  
Bahamut: "You're a good human, Ryoko. I like you. But I'm still not going back."  
Ryoko: "But, sir!"  
Bahamut: "Silence, human. I am the lord of all creation in the Final Fantasy universe. I know all beings under my power, and I know of their hearts. I see their dreams, and I hear their prayers. I... know you have some hidden feelings that you are not telling anyone. Ryoko, I would have you know that all your dreams would be killed the moment I went home."  
Light: ?  
Ryoko: "My lord, of what do you speak?"  
Bahamut: "Daughter of the Ronsenburg, you doubt my all-knowing power? You have ventured to worlds beyond my watch. Do you not miss it? The bond with the world Aselia?"  
Ryoko: !  
Bahamut: "I know. You've never told a single soul about the worlds beyond, and yet... your heart is there."  
Ryoko: "My heart is here in Ivalice, Lord Bahamut. My family, my friends, everything I care about is here. Please, ignore the past dreams of a foolish woman. I will not be traveling the multiverse again if I have anything to say about it."  
Bahamut: "You do not ever wish to travel there again, even though your heart is pledged to a man there? You would break such a vow?"  
Light: !  
Ryoko: "My lord, my heart is here! I have not made a vow here because I have not yet had the chance! I thought that my life in Ivalice would mean absolutely nothing, so I longed to escape it ever since I was a child! Running from inheritance disputes, dealing with the whole economy of snobs in Gariland! I hated growing up here, but I love my life here now! Go back to your perch and take care of those who are under your protection, Lord Bahamut, I will hear no more of your excuses!"  
Light: "...Ryoko, do you want to go back to that other world? Do you have a... another love in that other world?"  
Ryoko: "I do. I was stranded there for years in that world's time and I thought I would never come back to this world. Turns out Alis found me and forced me to come back after she met the man. She wanted to keep me from there, but I kept going back until... until I went to the Dissidia conflict. When I came back to this world, I stopped going."  
Light: "Ryoko..."  
Ryoko: "Light, I love you. I don't want to go back to Aselia, because if I do you will never see me again. I would rather stay here, in my homeworld, now that I feel like I have a reason to stay at all."  
Bahamut: "Since you are so resolved, I accept your words as your new vow. Upon the next sunrise, you will no longer be bound to the worlds outside my power. As my servant, you will stay in my worlds." *turns to look at Light* "Young Warrior of Light, created by my Father, Shinryu, the Great Will of Space-Time, I give you a new purpose. You will live your life to the fullest, and aid those who need your assistance. No longer are you a tool of war, as my father created you. Be at peace, my children, for the two of you need each other." *flaps his wings a few times like he's going to fly, but slumps back onto the ground where he was* "But I'm still not going back."  
Ryoko: "...what, my lord?!"  
Bahamut: "I'm still not going back, you heard me."  
Light: "Master Bahamut, surely..."  
Bahamut: "Did I stutter, humans?! Now go make love or something and leave me alone."  
Ryoko: "My lord!"  
Bahamut: "Your master, the guardian of all existence, demands you go make love. Get to it!"  
Light: *sigh*

*IN LESALIA...*

Golbez: "Well that was fast."  
Mateus: "I decided I was going to study a bit of time magic, once I learned how the classes work here. I mean I was 'Emperor' class for so long that I needed to learn something new."  
Golbez: "Makes sense."  
Mateus: "And now, I'll be expecting Aria anytime soon, as their group has that airship."  
Golbez: "I once had a fleet of airships."  
Mateus: "I had a Dreadnaught. It was awesome."  
Golbez: "So, what kind of favor do you owe the dancer, anyway?"  
Mateus: "I'm going to be designing a costume for her."  
Golbez: "Oh?"  
Mateus: "But there will be a price."  
Golbez: "What?! You're kidding! She paid you with a horrible sequel."  
Mateus: "I won't demand THAT kind of price. Call Kuja and invite him over."  
Golbez: "But you hate Kuja."  
Mateus: "Why yes, yes I do." *holds up his phone* "Call Kuja, my sweet. He will know revenge for his name calling once and for all."  
Golbez: "All right, fine." *calls Kuja's phone*

*MEANWHILE, in Bervenia...*

*Sephiroth and Kuja are walking down the street, still a bit traumatized by what happened with the pack of marlboros.*

Kuja: "WORST. VACATION. EVER."  
Sephiroth: "I agree!"

*Kuja's phone rings*

Kuja: "Hello, this is Kuja's Fatal Fashions. Oh, hi, Golbez. What? We're invited? And you'll be having the panda as a guest? Hmmm, that is so tempting~ When is it? Today? We're in Bervenia... yeah, that's fine. Sure. We'll be there. Tell Mateus I send my love." *click*  
Sephiroth: "We're not going to see Mateus and Golbez."  
Kuja: "But they're having a party and the beautiful bubble butt will be there! I just have to go and confirm my feelings in front of temptation."  
Sephiroth: "...Kuja."  
Kuja: "Yes?"  
Sephiroth: "No. You're not going back to your old self on me. I won't let you do this."  
Kuja: "But-"  
Sephiroth: "We're not going there as long as Firionel is a part of it!"  
Kuja: "Humph!"  
Sephiroth: "Besides, if Firionel will be there, Ryoko might be, too. And... HIM."  
Kuja: "I didn't realize you had a problem with the Warrior of Light."  
Sephiroth: "I... I don't."  
Kuja: "How's it feel to be replaced, oh oneness?"  
Sephiroth: "Feels like shit."  
Kuja: "Yeah, it does."  
Sephiroth: "It feels even worse when the MAN that I love decides to act like a fucking WOMAN about the matter."  
Kuja: "SEPHIROTH! Do not equate me with a vagina bearer! I have a penis! I abhor women and you know it!" *grabs a random passerby woman and kicks her between her legs for no reason other than to show he hates women*  
Sephiroth: "You don't have an ounce of loyalty in you. I'm going to have to kill Firionel and the Warrior of Light just to get some damn peace in my life."  
Kuja: "HA, you still like Ryoko."  
Sephiroth: "That's not the point!"  
Kuja: "You want to run back to that woman!? Fine, go back to her!"  
Sephiroth: "Well if I'm going to be with someone who acts like a woman, better be someone that's an actual WOMAN!"  
Kuja: "Is that how it's gonna be?! IS IT?!"

*they have a wimpy looking cat fight in the middle of the street. There are several onlookers and they think the whole display is hilarious*

Kuja: "You all find it funny?!" *blows them up with a Flare Star spell*  
Sephiroth: "Don't stare! This is a serious discussion between two lovers!"

*they go back to having their wimpy looking cat fight*

*AND THEN, ON THE AIRSHIP...*

Aria: *hangs up her phone* "Mateus is being pretty nice today."  
Firion: "He's going to make it into an elaborate plot that somehow involves getting revenge for something. He gets off on revenge plots."  
Aria: "How do you know that?"  
Firion: "Do you even have to ask?"  
Aria: "No. I don't."

*BUT BACK IN LESALIA...*

Mateus: "Mmmmhmmm... all as according to plan..."  
Golbez: "You sound incredibly giddy."  
Mateus: "It's better than giddy! Oh, my Super Sexy Shoulders, drop your pants. I must give you something right now!" 


	23. Mateus and Kuja's Challenge

Fanfic: "Omake!" Season 3, Episode 7 Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics - War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim: Final Fantasy Genres: humor / adventure / parody / crack / romance Warnings: OCs, OOC, yaoi, crack pairings, crossdressing, OCxCanon, AU

Disclaimer: Ya'll bitches be crazy.

~Fic start!~

*IN ZELTIENNA...*

Light: "He may have issued the order, but out here in the open? I don't find that appropriate."  
Ryoko: *nods carefully*  
Bahamut: "You're STILL here?! Get to banging! Leave me alone."  
Ryoko: "Lord Bahamut, this is unfair to request of us. You've destroyed the entire city of Zeltienna. There's nowhere left that we could..."  
Bahamut: "Since when has that stopped you, Ryoko?"  
Ryoko: *goes red* "Don't bring up the past, my lord!"  
Bahamut: "I'm just sayin'."  
Ryoko: "I've changed."  
Bahamut: "I guess..." *turns around to look at them* "Ryoko, if you can manage my request, I'll go back to the Moon."  
Ryoko: "I don't turn down a challenge!"  
Bahamut: "I know. Well, what I want you to do is very simple. I want you to buy the girliest looking dress in the entire land of Ivalice and wear it for me."  
Ryoko: "MY LORD!"  
Light: "It's not hard at all."  
Ryoko: "You can stay here in Zeltienna for all I care!"  
Bahamut: "Heh, I knew I'd win. You haven't changed that much! Go back to Aselia where you'll never have to deal with me ever again!"  
Ryoko: "...I'm not going back to Aselia! I'm staying in Ivalice."  
Light: "Master Bahamut, are you saying that if she does not succeed in your challenge-"  
Bahamut: "That I will expell her from the worlds under my protection? Yes. Yes, I am."  
Ryoko: "WHAT."  
Bahamut: "You'll be happy there. After all, I'm sure your beloved agent of heaven misses you."  
Ryoko: "Take that back or I'll-"  
Bahamut: *eyes narrow* "You'll what?"  
Ryoko: *sigh* "I suppose I should go see Kuja."  
Light: "Why?"  
Ryoko: "He has the most girly clothes of any world I've ever been to."

*AND THEN, IN LESALIA...*

Mateus: *is working in a room full of fabrics, like Rarity in FIM* "And that's the art of the dreeeeeeeeess~!"  
Golbez: *is in the kitchen, making roast chocobo breast and potatoes*

*ON THE AIRSHIP*

Squall: "Here we are, in Lesalia!"  
Alis: *comes in* "Aria, here. I'll warp you and Firion down right quick."  
Aria: "you sure you can?"  
Lynn: *runs in riding on a black chocobo* "Wheeeeeee!"  
Aria: "I suppose you want to go, too?"  
Lynn: *nods*  
Onion: "I'll... stay here for now."  
Alis: "So Lynn, Firion, and Aria are going down? Fair enough!" *warps them down* "So, Onion, why didn't you want to go with them?"  
Onion: "I... I have something I need to ask, but I don't want to do it when everyone else is around."  
Squall: "Whoa. This sounds pretty serious." *steps away from the wheel and sits down next to Onion.* "Okay, big brother Squall is here to listen."  
Alis: "Pfft." *sits down with them* "What's wrong, Onion?"  
Onion: "*blush* "I, uhh, I have a problem and I don't know what to do."  
Squall: "Ohh man, this is gonna be hard to explain. Sometimes, when a boy is asleep, he has dreams that make him-"  
Onion: *looks away, completely embarassed* "That's not it!"  
Alis: "Do you wake up and your wee-wee is hard without you knowing?"  
Onion: "God, why did I choose to talk to you two?! Stop belittling me! I know what wet dreams and morning wood is! God, I lived with Firion most of my life!"  
Squall: "Oh! I get it. You like a girl."  
Onion: *nods* "...that's right."  
Alis: "Have you told her?"  
Onion: "I don't know how."  
Alis: "Girls like it when you have confidence. You should tell her."  
Onion: "Well, Ryoko didn't."  
Alis: "Ryoko's an exception."  
Onion: "It seems like every girl is an exception somehow."  
Squall: "YES, every girl is different. You have to get to know the girl first before you know how to make your move."  
Alis: "What's she like?"  
Onion: "She's pure of heart."  
Alis: "Ew."  
Onion: "And so innocent."  
Alis: "Double ew."  
Onion: "And she might have an attention problem, but she doesn't let that stop her from having fun."  
Squall: "Yeah, I know lots of girls like that."  
Onion: "She plays the same games I do, even though she doesn't always think like I do... but I don't mind that. She works hard, she plays hard, and she's cute."  
Squall: "She sounds like a really nice girl."  
Onion: "She is, but... well, I've been mean to her before, and I don't think she likes me at all."  
Alis: "Oh. Then you should apologize to her."  
Onion: "She's always hanging out with her family, I'd really like to get some alone time with her."  
Alis: "Hmmmm. Okay! We'll help you!"  
Squall: "Are you sure about this?"  
Alis: "Absolutely!"  
Squall: :/

*BELOW, ON THE GROUND...*

Aria: "Whoa..."  
Lynn: "This is the cutest little living space ever! I want whoever decorated this living room to decorate our airship. I don't care what it costs."  
Firion: "It's kinda... well, it IS nice."

*They landed inside an apartment. It's probably the gayest looking apartment in existence.*

Golbez: *is humming in the kitchen*  
Firion: "She's good!"  
Golbez: "Huh?" *sticks his head out* "Why, hello!" *steps out of the kitchen, and he's wearing his battle armor as usual, but he's also wearing the frilliest apron in all existence* "Welcome to our new place. Cute little thing, isn't it?"  
Firion: "Hey, man. Aria's here to speak to Mateus."  
Golbez: "He's currently working. You hungry? Just finished lunch!"  
Lynn: "I'm starved."  
Golbez: "Come in, then. Have a seat at the table, and I'll get you a plate."

*They all sit down at the dining table and Golbez brings in a pan full of the best smelling roasted chocobo breast and potatoes they've ever had the chance to smell. It looks fabulous and it makes them all instantly hungry.*

Firion: "Oh wow. Dude, that's... ah, man, I'm hungry now too!"  
Golbez: "You flatter me. My dear Mateus works so hard, that I have to do something to support him! What do you think? Would I make a good wife?"  
Aria: "Yes, Golbez. You'd make the most awesome wife for Mateus. I'm sure of it!"  
Golbez: ^_^ "I'll go get him!" *puts the pan on the table* "Please leave the pan alone until I get back. Mateus is the master of this little castle, he eats first. If you touch it... I WILL punish you." *walks down the little hallway*  
Lynn: *grabs a fork* "That looks delicious...*  
Firion: "Oh my god, I know!"  
Aria: "You two! He said we'd get in big trouble if we ate before he got back! Who knows what that entails!"  
Firion: "I don't care, it smells sooooo gooood."  
Mateus: "Then, why don't we eat?" *sits down* "and after you're done eating, I have something to show you!"

*suddenly, there is a swirl of smoke and Kuja appears in the room with a delicate smile.*

Kuja: "Mmm! I've not seen you in such a long time."  
Aria: "It could have lasted a bit longer!"  
Lynn: "Ahh... he's so beautiful~"  
Kuja: "Yes, yes, I am!" *thrusts his feathery hair around*  
Firion: "Um, hi, Kuja."  
Golbez: "What are you doing in here?"  
Kuja: "I was told that I was invited to a party, and now I'm here."  
Mateus: *chuckles quietly* "Oh, yes, Kuja. I did want to invite you. Please, come and eat with us. Join in our celebration."  
Lynn: "What are we celebrating?"  
Mateus: "My business is booming!"  
Aria: "You finally got your fashion line started?"  
Mateus: "Why, yes I did!"  
Kuja: *glass-breaking noise* "Bu-but..."  
Mateus: "What's wrong, Kuja?" *gives a slasher smile*  
Kuja: "That's... that's my line of work! I'm the best fashion designer since-"  
Firion: "You designed that thong and butt-cape thing you've got going on, right?"  
Kuja: "I did!"  
Firion: "The defense rests, your honor."  
Kuja: "...so, Mateus, you invited me here to CHALLENGE ME?!"  
Mateus: *stands up* "What would ever give you that idea?"  
Kuja: "You've done nothing but insult me since I got here."  
Mateus: "You want to help your business, don't you? This is an invitation to you. We're going to put to rest our silly rivalry."  
Kuja: "And how is that?"  
Mateus: "My line of fashion vs. Your line of fashion! Aria needs me to design her a super hero suit, so that will be one thing we'll do. And the other... will be the girliest ballgown ever made!"  
Kuja: "Hmmm~ Why don't we also design an outfit for males? A romantic outfit!"  
Mateus: "I accept that proposal!"  
Kuja: "Such a silly challenge! You will be left in the dust!" *walks out the front door and slams it*  
Mateus: "That's what YOU think." *sits down* "So, Aria, Firion, Lynn? Will you do me the honors of being my models?"  
Firion: "Um, what? Since when were we apart of this?"  
Aria: "Done. I need a costume to get my revenge, so this works out for me!"  
Lynn: "I love ballgowns! I'd love it if Kuja designed one just for me~"  
Firion: *sigh* "Aria, do you even know who killed those chocobos?"  
Aria: "No."  
Mateus: "Does it matter? Come now, I need your measurements!"  
Aria: "But we haven't eaten yet!"  
Mateus: "THIS CHALLENGE DOES NOT REST. WE MUST WORK!"  
Lynn: "...excuse me but-"  
Mateus: "GET IN MY OFFICE. NOW!"  
Aria: "All right..."  
Lynn: *grabs a fork and stabs a piece of the meat to take it with her*  
Firion: *reaches to do the same, but Mateus grabs his collar and drags him back*  
Golbez: "Ha, it's so lively today!"

*BACK IN ZELTIENNA!*

Ryoko: "How are we going to find Kuja in time, Lord Bahamut?"  
Bahamut: "Hmm..." *blows smoke out his nose* "I'll send you to him. Prepare for zapping in one..."  
Light: "Grab onto me."  
Ryoko: "With pleasure."  
Bahamut: "...two..."

*they embrace*

Light: "One of these days, can we actually have some peaceful time?"  
Ryoko: "I hope so."  
Bahamut: "THREE!"

*RIGHT OUTSIDE MATEUS AND GOLBEZ'S APARTMENT BUILDING!*

Kuja: "I don't have any models whatsoever..."

*Ryoko and Light appear before him surrounded by dragon's smoke*

Kuja: "Thongs and Brassiers! Just what I was looking for."  
Ryoko: "I could say the same thing. Kuja, I need your help."  
Kuja: "You need me?"  
Light: "You see..."

*the screen darkens for a while, during which the conversation is fast-forwarded. Light and Ryoko explain why they need Kuja to help him. Then, when the sound comes back on, the footage is played at normal speed again*

Light: "So there you have it."  
Kuja: "I'd be honored to design you the fluffiest ballgown in existence. Come, please, we must get started right away."  
Ryoko: "Yes. Please!" 


	24. Relationships Suck, just sayin'

Season 3, Episode 7

Disclaimer: We here at "Omake!" need you to know that all of this is crack induced shit-encrusted crap that we know for a fact that no one likes or cares about.

Author's note: If you don't know what this is about by now, you never will. Read the front page and all the other epsides before it. You're welcome.

~Fic Start~

Mateus: "Oh, you're going to be so lovely~"  
Lynn: *sadface* "Can't Kuja design my dress?"  
Aria: "You might not want to say that..."  
Lynn: "But... I'm sure anything he could make would be just so wonderful." *has hearts floating around her head*  
Mateus: "Let me tell you something, young one. You are a very nice girl, but you should realize by now that Kuja isn't going to even take a second glance at you."  
Lynn: "I know he won't, but I still can't refuse the fact that he's beautiful, he's kind, and he looks like he'd be wonderful to cuddle with."  
Mateus: *stops sewing, and puts his hands on his hips* "Girl, you've no idea what that man has done - to his boyfriend, to your friend Firionel, even to me. Kuja's bad news, dearie, and I hate to have to tell you this. I thought it was painfully obvious." *goes back to sewing and humming incredibly loudly as he does it*  
Firion: "Yeah, Lynn, Kuja isn't going to even give you a second glance."  
Lynn: "I can still love him from afar."  
Aria: "It's not going to be very satisfying for you."  
Mateus: "Though if I had my choice, I would be designing a dress for the summoner."  
Firion: "R-Ryoko?!"  
Mateus: "Indeed. I always had a plan to design a beautiful combat robe, you know, and no one else could pull it off like she could. Functional, comfortable, and yet marvellous."  
Aria: "Mateus?"

*Golbez is walking down the hall carrying a huge pan filled with soft, warm cookies. He's about to take them into Mateus' workspace until he overhears what's going on inside.*

Mateus: "Yes?"  
Aria: "Mateus, you aren't gay, are you?"  
Mateus: "I beg your pardon?!"  
Aria: "Hey, look, it's okay. It's probably easier to be gay in your homeworld than straight, judging by how both you and Firion dress."  
Firion: "HEY."  
Mateus: "I'm sorry, Miss Dancer, but if you even think that I might even like the summoner-"  
Aria: "But you do. You don't want to design a dress for her. I'm sure you don't just like her."  
Golbez: *starts developing tears*  
Mateus: *sigh* "Ryoko. I don't know why I was drawn to her when she first appeared in the Dissidia conflict. But there I was, standing over her. I was going to take her to my master when the Warrior of Light came to save the day. I didn't want to hurt her."  
Firion: "That's not how SHE told that story."  
Mateus: "It wasn't?"  
Lynn: "Nope. She said you tried to rape her!"  
Mateus: "Slander!"  
Aria: "Not that she'd refuse you if you offered."  
Mateus: "Excuse me?"  
Aria: "It's not a well-kept secret. She's admitted to being attracted to you, and she even said that if you tried, she'd let you. Just... don't approach her now."  
Mateus: "Why not?"  
Lynn: "Ryoko and Light are inseperable lately. And Light, well... I get the feeling he's going to ask her something really important soon."  
Aria: "Oh?"  
Lynn: "Before they escaped ear-shot, I heard Light tell her that she needs to be strong for him, because once the Bahamut mission is over, he has something very important to tell her."  
Aria: "That means he's going to propose soon!"  
Firion: "You didn't hear that, Lynn! That was in a completely different scene."  
Lynn: "But I really do have good hearing!"  
Firion: "Yeah right, you just read the script."  
Aria: "That's impossible, season 3 is being completely ad-libbed."  
Mateus: *struggles against breaking the fourth wall* "Goodness! I will have to design her wedding dress! I will make it fit her figure with the wider hips, and it will be flowing and feathery and regal!"  
Golbez: *starts to run away, throwing the cookies on the floor until another voice stops him*  
Aria: "You should still confront her about your feelings and settle them, especially if you're going to remain with Golbez."  
Firion: "And don't break Golbez's heart or anything. He, like, genuinely loves you, man. The way he talks about you is awe inspiring."  
Mateus: "Golbez... speaks like that... about me?"  
Lynn: "Yes he does!"  
Mateus: "That makes me happy."  
Golbez: *leans against the wall, so glad to have heard that*

*AND ON THE AIRSHIP...*

Onion: "I wish I knew how to talk to girls."  
Squall: "Truthfully, it's not that hard. If you're good looking enough, when you get of the age where dating is a common thing, they'll come to you."  
Onion: "But what if I'm ugly?!"  
Alis: "You live in the Final Fantasy universe. No one is allowed to be ugly here."  
Squall: "Except Seeqs."  
Alis: "Yeah, except them. If they're ugly, they're not considered people."  
Squall: "Bahamut and Shinryu are pretty vain like that."  
Onion: "I'm a seeq, aren't I?!"  
Alis: "No, seeqs are fatasses who wear loincloths."  
Onion: *lifts his shirt* "I'm a fatass, aren't I?"  
Alis: "..."  
Squall: "..."  
Onion: "I AM A FATASS!" *runs to his room*  
Alis: "That went well. So much for big brother Squall's advice."  
Squall: "Shut up. You let the kid believe he's fat."  
Alis: "He'll never talk to his crush until he can gain some confidence."  
Squall: "If we knew who it was, maybe we could find out."  
Alis: "Aha! We'll hire the crack ninja team to investigate!"  
Squall: "Those bozos?"  
Alis: "Yeah, I'll send word to them."

*Alis walks onto the balcony of the ship and writes something on a leaf, then tosses it into the wind. Then she walks back into the cockpit and smiles*

Alis: "Message sent. Just give it time."

*BACK DOWN IN LESALIA...*

Kuja: "And so, here we are. The apartment I share with Sephiroth."  
Ryoko: "...so, is it true that you're having a fashion contest with Mateus?"  
Kuja: "Yes, my exboyfriend is such a pain in my beautiful hartman hip shaped ass."  
Light: "Ryoko? Is something the matter?"  
Ryoko: "Kuja. I don't think I should be here."  
Kuja: "And why not?"

*Sephiroth walks in the front room from down the hall and instantly lays eyes on Ryoko.*

Light: *pulls Ryoko behind him and stands defensively*  
Sephiroth: "I don't work for the Awkward Cloud anymore. I'm not going to attack either of you again."  
Light: "Remove your eyes from my lady's person, or I'll have to take them from you."  
Kuja: "Dears, now! I need your assistance, please!"  
Ryoko: "Yeah, Kuja, I... I can't do this, not with you."  
Sephiroth: "What exactly were you after? Experimentation, Kuja? She's not BAD in that department, but she's not exactly the orgy type."  
Ryoko: "HOW DARE YOU!"  
Kuja: "Pudding puff, please don't ruin this for me!"  
Light: "Ryoko, we should inquire with Mateus instead."  
Kuja: "Wait!"  
Ryoko: "I agree, my love, we should go."

*Light and Ryoko leave*

Kuja: "What did you do that for?!"  
Sephiroth: "I can't... I mean... everytime I see Ryoko and that damned knight together, I... I can't stand it."  
Kuja: "You're jealous of him! You still like Ryoko, don't you?!"  
Sephiroth: "Just like you still like Firion!"  
Kuja: "I do not!"  
Sephiroth: "You do!"  
Kuja: "Confront your feelings with Ryoko or we can't live together anymore. I won't have my boyfriends breaking my heart any longer!"  
Sephiroth: "Fine!" *stomps out*  
Kuja: "Ugh... Jecht, why'd you have to be straight...?"

*OUTSIDE KUJA AND SEPHIROTH'S APARTMENT!*

Sephiroth: "Ryoko! Wait!"  
Ryoko: "Sephy, I have nothing to say to you."  
Sephiroth: "Ryoko, listen to me for two seconds, please."  
Ryoko: *stops and looks back at him* "You have two seconds."  
Sephiroth: "I need you to tell me something, right now. Answer me truthfully. Is there any chance at all we'd ever be getting back together for any reason?"  
Ryoko: "Let me think about that. No."  
Sephiroth: "Are you going to stay with Sir Pure-of-heart over there?"  
Ryoko: "His name is Light!"  
Sephiroth: "Are you going to stay with Light?"  
Light: "Ryoko is my life's duty."  
Sephiroth: "Yeah, yeah, skip the formalities, asshole. Do you love her or not?"  
Ryoko: "Sephy, don't talk to him like that!"  
Light: "It's all right, my dear. Yes, you simpering mongoloid, I do love her."  
Sephiroth: "Fine. Just remember, there's a spot on the back of her neck that makes her melt into a state of being unable to resist."  
Ryoko: "You've done enough damage! Go away, Sephy!"  
Sephiroth: "As you wish, your highness. Bah, I don't even know what I saw in you."  
Ryoko: "You used to be an honorable man with an honorable dream."  
Sephiroth: "And you used to be so willing to fall into that honorable dream."  
Light: "Leave my lady at peace, or face my blade."  
Sephiroth: "Humph. Goody-two-shoes!" *walks back into the apartment building*  
Ryoko: "What is his problem?!"  
Light: "I believe he's lonely."  
Ryoko: "Lonely?"  
Light: "In ways you cannot fathom. In ways I hope he is able to get over."  
Ryoko: "Huh?"  
Light: "I pity him."

*AND THEN, IN ZELTIENNA!*

Bahamut: "I win. I'm staying here."

*a racoon holding a red keyboard runs up to Bahamut*

Bahamut: "Rigby? What are you doing?!"  
Rigby: "You're not the real Bahamut! You're my best friend transformed into a Wyvern, which SOUNDS like Mordecai and LOOKS like Bahamut! Skips said there's only one way to fix you, man."  
Bahamut: "I am the be-all end-all of the Final Fantasy universe!" Rigby: "Then why do you have Mordecai's voice? come on, let's go back to the park!"  
Bahamut: "No, this is my lair now!"  
Rigby: "Skips is waiting on the moon. We'll fix this. We're the only ones who can." *puts down his keyboard and plays it* "Bahamut that sounds like Moredecai, SEND IT TO THE MOON!"

*Bahamut vanishes*

Rigby: "Ryoko. It's over now. We'll take it from here."

*Rigby slowly fades away with a smile on his face. Zeltienna is now nothing but a smudge mark on the map of Ivalice.* 


	25. When Mateus keeps a Secret

"Omake!" Season 3, Episode 8

Disclaimer: You know the goddamn drill.

~Fic Start!~

*Ryoko and Light walk into the apartment complex across the street from where Kuja and Sephiroth live and knock on Mateus and Golbez's door*

Golbez: "Hmm? I wasn't aware we were having more company."  
Ryoko: "I need to talk to Mateus."  
Golbez: "Oh? Is something wrong?"  
Ryoko: "It's about Kuja."  
Golbez: "For Cosmos' sake..." *lets them in*  
Light: "We are sorry to come unannounced."  
Ryoko: "Yeah. Things aren't exactly..."  
Light: "They're not working."  
Golbez: "What's wrong, dears? Sit down, you can tell me everything."  
Ryoko: *sits down* "I think it's all building up."  
Light: "And we're unsure of how to handle it."  
Golbez: "It's not a fight between the two of you, is it?"  
Light: "Hardly!"  
Ryoko: "No, not at all. Light and I are doing wonderfully."  
Golbez: "Then what is it?"  
Ryoko: "I'm a summoner, and as you can probably imagine, that comes with a lot of responsibility. I've been charged with the summons of this world to return Bahamut to his home on the moon so he can resume his duties. The problem is, he won't go back unless I settle a debt with him."  
Golbez: "You owe a debt to the Lord of all Creation?"  
Ryoko: "He saved my life when I was in Lionel, looking for my brother. He said he liked me for my honesty. Bahamut gave me the opportunity to fulfill my debt to him if I just do one thing."  
Golebz: "What does he want?"  
Light: "Ryoko would rather not do it, but he wants her to wear the girliest, fluffiest, most beautiful gown in all of Ivalice."  
Ryoko: *looks angry, blushes, and turns away*  
Golbez: "You'd like Mateus to design this dress for you?"  
Light: "If he wouldn't mind."  
Golbez: "I don't think that's going to be an issue, my old friend. Under one condition."  
Ryoko: "Oh no..."  
Golbez: "Light, may I speak with you a moment? Man-to-man."  
Ryoko: "Humph!" *gets up and starts going down the hallway*  
Golbez: *makes sure she's not within earshot* "...listen. If you want Mateus to make that dress, you're going to have to do something incredibly... special."  
Light: "Special, as in, gay?"  
Golbez: -_-  
Light: "What?"  
Golbez: "No, this is going to have to be as straight as an arrow, which is perfect for you. If you want that dress, Mateus has always wanted to design a dress for her wedding. Propose to her, Light."  
Light: "So you're saying that Mateus likes Ryoko?"  
Golbez: "I don't think it's a romantic attraction at all. I think he just likes her form and would love to design a dress for her to wear."  
Light: "That's... odd."  
Golbez: *shrug* "Mateus is odd, but underneath his oddity, he's a wonderful person."  
Light: "Hmm."

*BUT, JUST DOWN THE HALL*

Mateus: "Now, Miss Dancer, I need you to be still."  
Aria: "Excuse me, I have a name."  
Mateus: "Yes, you do. But I'd rather keep this formal."  
Aria: "You know what? Maybe we SHOULD go see Kuja about this."  
Firion: "No. I am not wearing anything he designs."  
Lynn: "Aria, we'll both go!"

*Ryoko accidentally trips and falls in the door, face first, flat onto the floor*

Aria: "Okay, that was incredibly weird."  
Mateus: "I didn't expect something this random."  
Lynn: "Knowing this fic? You should have."  
Mateus: "Point taken." *kneels down to check on Ryoko* "Are you all right, dearie?"  
Ryoko: *looks up* "I'm fine, Mateus. Thanks for asking." *gets up and brushes herself off* "Oh, Cosmos, I think the plot just tripped me!"  
Mateus: "Would it do that?"  
Aria & Lynn: "YES."  
Mateus: "Fair enough. What brings you here, Ryoko?"  
Ryoko: "I came to ask you for your help."  
Mateus: "With what?"  
Ryoko: "Well..." *turns to the camera* "Roll footage!"

*The screen plays all of the footage from the time that Sylph asks for Ryoko's assistance til Kuja and Sephiroth piss her off to the point of making her leave their apartment*

Aria: *gasp*  
Ryoko: "That's why I need your help, Mateus."  
Mateus: "Well, this one doesn't want to..."  
Aria: *raises her hand to stop all the conversation* "I didn't think it was you, Ryoko."  
Ryoko: "Huh? What?"  
Aria: "YOU KILLED MY CHOCOBO FAMILY!"  
Lynn: "What?! It was Ryoko?!"  
Ryoko: "But those Chocobos, they were gonna kill me and Light! They KO'd him and I-"  
Aria: *walks up to her* "You were my best friend."  
Ryoko: "Aria!"  
Aria: "Those chocobos saved my life before I even was recruited by Lord Ramza, during my country wide journey! I'll... I'll avenge them!"  
Lynn: *facepalm* "This is not the place to battle."  
Aria: *draws her weapons* "Defend yourself, Ryoko!"  
Ryoko: "Aria. Listen to me."  
Aria: "DEFEND YOURSELF!"  
Ryoko: *looks down at the floor* "You really gonna kill me? Go ahead."  
Aria: "I will not kill anyone unarmed!"  
Firion: *pulls Aria back* "Baby, stop it."  
Aria: "Lemme go!"  
Firion: "NO! You saw the footage, it wasn't her fault. They really were out for the kill! And, babe, it was a scripted battle. We all have them. You know what happens with scripted battles. The gods themselves control those circumstances."  
Mateus: "I do not think violence will settle your differences. Ryoko will not fight you. She refuses to take up her weapons." *puts a hand on Ryoko's shoulder* "I have been meaning to talk to you as well. I believe we can both help each other."  
Ryoko: *sighs* "Go on, dear Emperor. I'm... listening."  
Mateus: "You want a dress from me? Under one condition. I like making dresses for romantic occassions."  
Ryoko: "Romantic? Ew."  
Mateus: "HAHA. I want you to get your dearly beloved to propose to you. I will make your dress for your wedding, so you can have it before Lord Bahamut himself."  
Ryoko: *blink blink* Mateus: "Well?"  
Firion: "Speaking of Light, where is he?"  
Ryoko: "I was coming down the hall by myself because Golbez wanted to speak to him man-to-man."  
Lynn: O_o;  
Mateus: "Or... if I could get another request of you, if you'd rather."  
Ryoko: "The other request."  
Aria: "don't say that."  
Lynn: "Uh oh."  
Mateus: "Are you sure you want the other request?"  
Ryoko: "If it doesn't involve being romantic, then FUCK YES."  
Mateus: "Fine. Everyone else, get out of my workspace."  
Firion: "Mateus, don't you even think-"  
Mateus: "I won't do anything to her. She's not quite my type."  
Aria: "She can be quite manly at times."  
Lynn: *snicker*  
Firion: "I can't believe you said that..."

*Aria, Lynn, and Firion walk out. Mateus closes the door and walks around Ryoko with a giddy smile on his face.*

Mateus: "I will design your dress for you. Hm. I can't believe you agreed to being in here alone with me."  
Ryoko: "Because I know you weren't going to hurt me the first time we met."  
Mateus: "You did?"  
Ryoko: "You wanted to take me to Chaos. You didn't want me to be hurt. But... Light came in and saved the day. If things had been different, I would have been at your side. I..."  
Mateus: "If I had you, I don't think Ultimecia or Cloud of Darkness would have been able to subject me to such torture."  
Ryoko: "Mateus..."  
Mateus: "Ryoko, my second request is..."  
Ryoko: "Why can't you say it?"  
Mateus: "Oh forget it. I'll make your dress for you! Let me measure you and send you on your way."  
Ryoko: "Why can't you look me in the eye, Mateus?!"  
Mateus: "I would ask you for more than you could give me. I will not get between you and your beloved. If I had my way... you'd stay with me and Golbez. But the world will fall apart if Lord Bahamut stays where he is forever. I will help do my part to ensure the world stays safe." Ryoko: "I'll give you one thing, Mateus." *walks up to him and wraps her arms around his neck* "In an alternate universe somewhere, we are inseperable. It's not here, and it's not us, but in one plane of existence, it's you and me, Emperor." *kisses his cheek* "And I'm sorry for what you've gone through." *lets go and stands up straight* "Here. Get my measurements, will you?"  
Mateus: "Gladly!"

*BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM*

Golbez: "That's why..."  
Firion: "Can we finally eat that lunch from earlier?"  
Aria: "Yeah."  
Lynn: "Hey, there, Light."  
Light: *waves* "Where's Ryoko?"  
Lynn: "Mateus needed to talk to her. Cutting a deal for the dress."  
Light: "You mean, he knows about the dress?"  
Aria: "We ALL do." *glares at him* "You both killed my chocobos!"  
Light: "Whoa, those were yours? A thousand pardons, Aria!"  
Firion: "Let it go, babe, I told you it's not their fault. Scripted battles are beyond our ability to control."  
Light: "Maybe then I don't have to, Golbez?"  
Golbez: "I might have been wrong. Perhaps he'll do it just for the fun of it."  
Light: "Haha."  
Aria: "Do what?"  
Golbez: "I told him that if he wanted Mateus to make that dress for her, he would have to propose. Mateus did say something about wanting to make her a wedding dress, did he not?"  
Lynn: "You heard that?"  
Golbez: "Your voices carry."  
Firion: "Hey why are there cookies all over the floor in the hallway?"  
Golbez: !  
Aria: "Uh huh... yeah right. Voice carry, my foot."  
Firion: *picks one up* "Are these chocolate chip? YUM!" *bites one* "EWW, it's RAISINS! Gahh! I hated it when Maria used to pull pranks on me like this! Gross!"  
Lynn: LOL Firion: "And now I got a long silver hair stuck between my teeth. Ugh."  
Lynn: "Yeah, that's what Kuja said."  
Aria: *can't hold her serious face anymore* "OH MY GOD..." *laughs for an entire 10 minutes before everyone stares at her with a very weird, freaked out expression*

*Ryoko and Mateus come into the living room*

Ryoko: "And so I said 'the fuck is that? a THONG? That looks more like a Marlboro attached to your crotch!'"  
Mateus: "...I can't believe you actually said that!"  
Light: "So?"  
Ryoko: "Mateus is going to work on the dress while we go check on the Lord of all Creation."  
Firion: "Awesome."  
Aria: "No. no. Before we go... we need to resolve our issues."  
Lynn: "Didn't Firion say-"  
Aria: "SHUT UP, LYNN!"  
Lynn: ;~;  
Golbez: "I won't allow killing in the house. No matter what the circumstances or provocation, nothing seems to warrant bloodshed under my roof."  
Mateus: "Thank you, Sexy Shoulders."  
Golbez: "Anytime, my Emperor."  
Mateus: *shudders* "Oooh, I love it when you call me that."  
Aria: "Okay, you two, get a room."  
Golbez: "We have an apartment."  
Mateus: "And you're in it."  
Golbez: "Logically, we could have sex right here."  
Mateus: "We should! We should! Everyone start humping something!"  
Light: "...um..."  
Ryoko: "Yeah, let's go check on Lord Bahamut."

*Aria, Firion, Lynn, Ryoko, and Light walk out. Mateus and Golbez start getting into it. I mean INTO IT.*

*AND THEN, SOMEWHERE ELSE*

Squall: "Checkmate."  
Alis: "That's 35 times in a row! How do you always beat me!?"  
Squall: "I'm not sure. I've never met anyone this bad at Chess."  
Onion: *walking down the hall* "Lynn... I wish I wasn't so cowardly..."  
Alis: "Did you hear that?!"  
Squall: "He just said Lynn."  
Alis: "So that's who he's got the crush on, hmm?"

*suddenly, the four ninjas poof in*

Ninja 1: "Hey mah niggas, yo' called fur us, dawg?"  
Squall: "Okay, obviously he's not the same guy."  
Ninja 1: *coughs* "Sorry, I was told to try to keep up the act best I could."  
Ninja 4: "Snarf!"  
Ninja 3: "YEAH WE GOT YOUR LEAF. WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM US?!"  
Ninja 2: "We came at your request."  
Alis: "You guys seem different. I wonder if we got the wrong crack ninja team?"  
Ninja 4: "Snarf, snarf!" *hands her a letter*  
Alis: "To whom it may concern: We have all gone home. Our friend Shadow came to our aid, finally. Please work with the new ninja group we have left in our place. Snarf is in charge. Your friends, the crack ninja squad. PS: FUCK YA'LL NIGGAS WE GOIN' HOME BITCHESSS"  
Squall: "Snarf is in charge?!"  
Ninja 2: "Yes, he has senior rank among us."  
Squall: "Can't argue with that logic."  
Ninja 3: "SO WHAT DID YOU WANT US FOR?!"  
Alis: "Well, you're too late. We kinda overheard what we needed to know earlier all ready without you."  
Ninja 1: "Change of management, you must forgive us."  
Alis: "Eh, that's fair. No hard feelings, guys."  
Ninja 4: "Snarf, snarf!" *hands her a piece of paper*  
Alis: "New rates and fees for all kinds of services..."  
Squall: O_o;;  
Alis: "You guys do assassinations, too?!"  
Ninja 3: "YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!"  
Squall: "Hmmm. I'll keep that in mind."  
Alis: "Yeah, really." *blinks a few times* "Hey! Do you think you can make it a cutscene killing, so they can never be revived via Phoenix Down or something like that?"  
Ninja 1: "We did it with Aeris."  
Ninja 2: "Yeah, THAT Sephiroth was just a hologram!"  
Ninja 1: "The real Sephiroth was actually in Mideel."  
Ninja 2: "He was on vacation during the footage of that whole game."  
Ninja 3: "And the prick still gets all the credit, but that's what we're here for."  
Ninja 2: "No one even knows we exist."  
Ninja 1: "Except these guys."  
Ninja 2: "But they'd never tell anyone."  
Ninja 3: "No, they wouldn't..."  
Ninja 4: "SNARF, SNARF!"

*the other ninjas stand up straight and shut up quickly*

Ninja 4: "Snarf..."  
Alis: "You go, Snarf! Okay, so here's what I want you to do. Kill Sephiroth."  
Squall: "What?!"  
Alis: "All he's done, he deserves it!"  
Squall: "...but, to go this far?"  
Alis: "You have to make him die in a way that he can't be revived."  
Ninja 3: "This can be done, but the price will be steep."  
Alis: "Yeah, I see that. 3.5 Gigazabillion Gil."  
Squall: "GIGAZABILLION?!"  
Alis: "Yeah, look."

*Squall looks and sees that it's 3,500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Gil, plus taxes*

Squall: "The fuck is wrong with our economy?! The inflation on that is re-fucking-donkulous! I say we all vote for a new king, that shit's getting out of hand!"  
Alis: "I'm more worried about how I'm gonna pay for that."  
Squall: "Nobody has that kind of money."  
Alis: "Especially with this show's budget."  
Squall: "Yeah, no shit."  
Alis: "How about we trade you this airship?"  
Squall: "WHAT?! We just bought this thing!"  
Alis: "Yeah but killing Sephy off would be more than worth it."  
Squall: "...you're kidding."  
Alis: "Besides, we can just teleport where we wanna go, right?"  
Squall: "That's STUPID."  
Onion: *walks in* "I got a trade for you, ninjas. How about I join you? I'll do the job at no cost, just take me into your ranks. I have experience being a ninja, too."  
Alis: "WHAT?!"  
Squall: "Kid, you'll never get your girl that way! Trust me on this!"  
Onion: "I feel empty and left out among this group. The one I like doesn't even notice me. I'll join the ninjas and kill Sephy for you. My price, however, is I need you to tell everyone that I'm going away for a very long time. It'll break Firion's heart and he'd never let me go, but..." *changes into a ninja using his class change ability* "I'm done here." 


	26. Hurricane of Sorrow

"Omake!" Season 3, Episode 9

Disclaimer: FUCK YOU GUYS, I DON'T OWN SHIT.

~Fic start!~

Ryoko: "Wait a minute."  
Light: "What's wrong?"  
Ryoko: "How many episodes has it been since we've seen Squakers?"  
Light: "I think he died when the ship smashed into the mountain."  
Ryoko: "Rest in peace, dear Squakers..."

*there is a moment of silence*

Firion: "So, who's Squakers?"  
Light: "Some chocobo that carried us from Igros to Warjilis."  
Firion: "Oh."  
Lynn: "Hey, um. Guys? Can I talk to you?"  
Aria: "Is something wrong?"  
Lynn: "It's... it's this whole thing. It's been pretty hectic and... well..."  
Aria: "You want out?"  
Lynn: "I didn't say that, it's just I'm... getting kinda bored."  
Firion: "Bored? With all that happens here?"  
Lynn: "You guys have done nothing but give me guidance and a family, and I appreciate that, but..." *rips off the dress that Mateus put on her to reveal she wasn't naked underneath* "Kuja can't stand me, and the one guy my age isn't exactly making his moves." *pats Aria and Ryoko on the shoulder* "I need some time off." *slowly walks off-stage very tiredly*  
Ryoko: "I wonder what brought that on?"  
Aria: "Maybe the fact that she might feel ignored or pushed away?"  
Firion: "Maybe living together, we create such an awkwardness that it sparks these kind of weird things just to happen. Our inner awkwardness is taking it out on us."  
Light: "Are you saying that this fanfic is a result of just us living together?!"  
Firion: "To put it bluntly, yes. I am!"  
Ryoko: "If this is the case, perhaps we should all live separate."  
Aria: "I don't think that's a good idea."  
Firion: "Why not?"  
Aria: "Because the reason why my chocobos had to die in their scripted battle is because I wasn't there with them. If I was in the battle, I could have averted the whole thing. We can't separate, or we'll keep crossing paths like this over things that could very well be prevented."  
Light: "Hmm, you may be right."  
Firion: "So you're saying that instead of violently taking it out on Light and Ryoko, you're keeping them prisoner as compensation."  
Aria: "I suppose that's one way of looking at it."  
Ryoko: "Now that we have the logistics of our party organized, we really should be heading over to Zeltienna to check on Lord Bahamut."

*suddenly a newspaper boy runs through*

Newspaper Boy: "EXTRA, EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! LORD OF ALL CREATION NO LONGER IN ZELTIENNA! OBSERVERS MYSTIFIED AS TO HIS DISAPPERANCE!"  
Ryoko: "...what?" *goes up to the newspaper boy* "Here, have twelve mesetas. Gimme a paper."  
Aria: "Says here on my newspaper app on my phone that Bahamut left when he was greeted by a... racoon with a keyboard."  
Ryoko: "Why didn't you just check that app?! I could have saved some mesetas!"  
Light: "This world doesn't even use Mesetas!"  
Firion: "How... did you get otherworldly currency?"  
Light: "It happened during our quest to reach Zeltienna. Warjilis had all sorts of different kinds of currencies hidden in different places."  
Ryoko: "Well if Bahamut is gone... then I don't have to wear that damned dress!"  
Light: "He should make it anyway."  
Aria: "You have something in mind?"  
Light: "I just might. Anyway, thinking about what happened in Warjilis, perhaps that's the epicenter of all the trouble happening here in Ivalice. It might be the place where all the worlds combine."  
Ryoko: "Whoa."  
Aria: "I suppose I'll have to call Alis."  
Ryoko: "huh? Why? Things are relatively peaceful right now."  
Aria: "She got a new airship."  
Light: "That's handy."  
Aria: "She also wants us all to live on it."  
Ryoko: "..."  
Light: O_o;  
Firion: "It seems like it would be useful, but..."  
Ryoko: "Alis' reputation as a pilot isn't that great. She's a better theif than a pilot."  
Light: "Yeah, I always got that feeling, too."  
Ryoko: "She stole her first airship when we were young, and we lived on it for a while. Then she crashed it."  
Firion: "You mean the one she had before wasn't her first?"  
Ryoko: "Hell no. She's crashed seven before the one she had when you first met her. I don't want to live on her airship again. I hated being stranded at Fort Zeakden for three months. It was terrible."  
Aria: "You guys were the ones who crashed into Fort Zeakden?!"  
Ryoko: "Every airship accident from my escape from Lesalia has been hers. No one but Setzer owns airships around here anyway. The technology was extinct for years but Setzer fell through one of Alis' rips in space-time and went to Goug to be able to recover the ability to build airships."  
Firion: "Really?"  
Ryoko: "Yeah."  
Firion: "Well it doesn't sound like one of Lynn's history lessons, so I think it's pretty believable."  
Light: *has to hold back a laugh*  
Aria: "Well, if we're going to Warjilis..." *pulls out her phone and dials Alis up* "Yeah we're ready. Beam me up, Ally."  
Ryoko: "Oh. That reference! Right in the nostalgia!"  
Aria: "SHUT UP."

*they warp up into the ship*

Alis: "Hey, everyone! Huh? Where's Lynn?"  
Ryoko: "She decided she needed a break."  
Squall: "Another one."  
Firion: "What does that mean?"  
Alis: "Nothing important. I just... had something I needed to tell Lynn, but if she's not here, we'll have to wait."  
Ryoko: "Everything has to wait. Bahamut's gone missing from Zeltienna. From what Light figured out based on what we found in Warjilis, it's very likely that's the epicenter of all our trouble."  
Alis: "What do you mean?"  
Light: "We think it's where the worlds are meeting."  
Alis: "And you want to take us there?!"  
Firion: "Why not?"  
Alis: "Ryoko, you have to realize how bad of a plan this is! You know about my powers personally. You can't condone going there."  
Ryoko: *crosses her arms* "I'll go. You don't have to."  
Alis: "But there's a chance that I'll never see you again! If it IS the epicenter of the worlds starting to collide, then you'll be warped to a world that... that's further than I can reach. You might slip through a crack and fall to a universe I can't get you back from."  
Ryoko: "Someone has to take that chance!"  
Alis: "Not you! anyone but you!"  
Ryoko: "This is my duty!"  
Alis: "No. It's not! Your mission was to get to Lord Bahamut and send him back home. Well guess what? He's gone. You have no reason to be involved any longer. Stay here, where it's safe."  
Ryoko: "Yeah, so you can crash our house again in some goddess forsaken deserted area of Ivalice again, like you did thirteen years ago?"  
Alis: "I was a lot younger then!"  
Light: "Alis... it's not your call to make."  
Alis: "SHUT UP!"  
Ryoko: *glass breaking noise*  
Aria: "Uh oh..."  
Firion: "I heard it, too."  
Ryoko: "You will not address Light that way."  
Alis: "I will! He doesn't know you like I do."  
Ryoko: "You will NOT." *pulls out her staff* "You want me to listen to you, Alis? You know everything there is to know about me? I challenge you to a duel!"  
Alis: "Cool! I have a YuGiOh deck somewhere with me."  
Ryoko: "...no, no, that's not what I meant! A DUEL."  
Alis: "Oh! You want to fight? Well that's simply barbaric."  
Squall: *facepalm*  
Ryoko: "You're not my guardian anymore. You don't have to keep watch over me constantly like I used to."  
Squall: "All right, all right." *steps between Ryoko and Alis* "I think it's time we have a nice orgy or something to lighten the mood."  
Firion: *looks like he wants to scream "WHAT THE FUCK" but he can't quite get it out*  
Ryoko: *slaps him away*  
Squall: "I didn't say you had to fuck everyone in the room! Listen, Ryo-chan. You could destress. Take Light into your room and let him have it all. It works for Alis. Taking it all out on me is how she stopped herself from killing Kratos a few times."  
Ryoko: *even louder glass breaking sound*

*the entire ship starts filling with a very cold, harsh wind. Even when the windows are closed, wind blows. It's not coming from the outside!*

Light: "Oh Great Cosmos, you're breaking each barrier on her sanity!"  
Aria: "Huh? Is that what that sound is?"  
Light: *pulls out a chart from under his armor and unfolds it, showing weird diagrams and charts. It looks REALLY complicated* "My personal theory is that people tend to be good at holding back what their base desires say to do. But when you hit a particular note, sometimes a piece of their barrier will break. It sounds like cracking glass. The louder the sound gets, the closer you get to releasing all the inner anger that person has inside them. From what I've learned about Ryoko since saving her is that she has quite a bit of anger tucked inside her heart. Alis has struck a nerve twice. I don't expect it to hold much longer."  
Alis: "Hey, I didn't bring up Kratos!"  
Firion: "You're more knowledgable than I gave you credit for, Light."  
Light: "You don't spend so long with Ryoko and not learn something about the inner workings of the universe."  
Ryoko: *eyes are glowing red*  
Firion: *does his best Keanu Reeves impression* "Whoa."  
Light: "Alis! Squall! You must apologize! Before you break the bond permanently, you have to apologize!"  
Aria: "Holy shit. I don't think I've ever seen her so mad before."  
Firion: "Mentioning that Karrots or whatever his name was really pushed her over the edge."  
Light: "Who knew that name held so much meaning...?" *points at Alis and Squall* "You had to have known it, or you wouldn't have said something like that."  
Squall: "I wasn't trying to provoke her! I was just saying that back in the day, back when the only way to meet people from other worlds was time magic, back when she got lost in Aselia and lived there for twenty years of their time... well, it was all different. Ryoko considers Aselia her second home. If Light hadn't come here to us, she would have kept going back there. She knows that... that her guardian angel fought with Alis almost every time they were around each other, but she didn't care. She loved him anyway. Alis wanted to murder him every step of the way. Ryoko never knew just how angry Alis got, and she took the anger out on me! I was just saying it would be a way for her to vent, that's all."  
Light: "Ryoko is right. We can't live with you. There is too much history between you for it to be cohesive or peaceful."  
Ryoko: "You said his name just... because you know it hurts my pride."  
Squall: "That's not true!"  
Ryoko: "You said his name to remind me... that I've been very bad at keeping my word."  
Squall: "You know that's not true!"  
Ryoko: "You said it because you know that if I had the chance to go back to Aselia and stay, I would do it. Without hesitation."  
Alis: "You know you would, and then I would have to keep going back after you to keep you here in Ivalice, where you belong."  
Ryoko: "All I ever wanted when I was a kid was to escape Ivalice! I hated having to live my life in secrecy! Why did you keep going back to get me?! Was it because you were so lonely?!"  
Alis: "Ryoko, no! It wasn't for my own good that you had to stay here. Think back. The reason why you ran from Lesalia. Your mana is incredibly powerful! If either Order during the war got a hold of you, they could have easily brought Ivalice to its knees! Why do you think YOU'RE the one who falls into other worlds when I try to teleport you long distances? You are my catalyst! My time magic would be a pittance without you close to me! Anyone could use and abuse your power, including the villains in Aselia!"  
Ryoko: "A tool of war..."  
Alis: "That's right! That's why Dimitri ran away with you!"  
Ryoko: "Even so. I'm still my own person, and you've always treated me like a runaway pet."  
Light: "Alis, let me cut a deal with you, here and now."  
Alis: ?  
Ryoko: ?  
Light: "I will protect Ryoko for the rest of my life. Under my care, she will not go to any other world. We will stay in Ivalice. That way you don't have to fear for her, and she still gets her freedom."  
Aria: "It sounds like this a monumental task."  
Light: "Would marrying Ryoko not be just a monumental task as this?"  
Ryoko: !  
Light: "She will be at my side anyway, so let's remove any of this baggage before we move forward with our lives."  
Alis: "I'm not baggage!"  
Light: "You will be, if you continue to be so overbearing like you are. I understand your concerns. I have them as well. But let me assure you, Alis, that if you keep up the way you are going, Ryoko will resent you for it. Let me take up the reigns."  
Alis: "So you can treat her as her previous boyfriends did? Should I take that chance?"  
Light: "I'm not asking you to gamble on her safety. I am not alone in this endeavor. Aria and Firion both forced us to agree to stay near them to prevent any mishaps in the future, so I know that it will not be much of an extention on our current deal to include this."  
Aria: "I've looked after Lynn and Ryoko ever since I met them. Big sister complex and all. This won't be hard. I just keep those two out of trouble, which is relatively easy, and it'll all fall into place."  
Alis: "I... I don't want to feel replaced."  
Ryoko: *eyes go back to normal* "You're still my sister, Alis. But I... I think we need moer time apart than you're willing to give us. I care about you a lot. I care about everyone. But I need time to be myself. Have my own adventures. Sure, you saved my hide as a kid so much, but I think even you forgot how to be yourself at some point."  
Alis: "...maybe you're right."

*the angry wind disappates and Ryoko looks a lot more sane*

Firion: "This is dramatic and all, but how the hell are we gonna solve the whole Warjilis issue?"  
Alis: *half laughs* "Send in the crack ninjas?" 


	27. The Dragon Council

"Omake!" Season 3, Episode 10

Disclaimer: ...go read past episodes. IT. STILL. STANDS.

~Fic Start!~

Light: "My beloved, do you accept my proposal?"  
Ryoko: "Well, it wasn't very romantic, but... yes."  
Alis: "But what about-"  
Ryoko: "We'll work out a deal." *sighs* "Alis, I want you and Squall to go to Warjilis. I want you to tell me what you find there. You don't want me there? Fine, but you can be my eyes and ears."  
Firion: "though it's pretty clear they're not as in-tune with the world as you are."  
Aria: "It's true. You seem to have a way of knowing rules of the world that even we don't."  
Ryoko: "And that's why I had to run away."  
Light: "You don't need to run away any longer."  
Ryoko: "Thanks, Light." *strikes a heroic pose* "Okay. Nevermind! We'll go together!"  
Alis: "Are you sure?!"  
Ryoko: "I'm pretty happy saying in Ivalice now. I don't need to leave anymore..." *points out the front window* "We're solving this. NOW."  
Aria: "But didn't you just say...?"  
Squall: *grabs the wheel and heads towards Warjilis immediately* "We're here!"  
Aria: "Whoa."  
Firion: "So what are we going to do?"  
Ryoko: "We'll go scope the place out. If it feels normal and works by normal Ivalice rules, then we know Bahamut went to take his rightful place to handle everything!"  
Light: "Fine!" *grabs a parachute*  
Ryoko: "This thing has parachutes?"  
Aria: "And how did you know where it was?"  
Light: "I... can remember things..." *points to his temple* "The Invincible was built based on the plans of the Lufienian Airship. M-my father... was from Lufenia."  
Firion: "Whoa! You're getting your memory back?!"  
Light: "Cid of the Lufane!"  
Squall: O_O;; "THAT CID?!"  
Light: "That's right."  
Firion: "You're talking about the one behind the Dissidia war in the first place."  
Light: *nods*  
Ryoko: "Then Warjilis IS the place where the worlds are coming together."  
Light: "It would seem so. If this is the case, we should go."  
Alis: "No! If this is the case, we shouldn't go. Who knows what could happen to us out there if we touch the land when it's like this?! It triggered memories that Light could never touch to come out, just by being around it! This is too big for us."  
Aria: "Actually, she might be right about that."  
Ryoko: "What do you mean?! Doesn't the world need our help?!"  
Firion: "The land might be unstable. I mean... parts of Light's mind opened just being around it. The place could be a vortex of some kind."  
Ryoko: "I don't care. I'm the heroine of the story! Time to face the boss, get my spoils, and move on with life, right?!"  
Light: "Ryoko..."  
Ryoko: "I'm going anyway." *walks out onto the deck by herself*  
Alis: "Light, this is dangerous. Really dangerous."  
Light: *sigh* "Is this really our choice, though?"  
Squall: "What?"  
Light: "I promised I'd keep her safe. I'll do just that."  
Aria: "Should we come with you?"  
Light: "I think if you did, you'd see something special. You'll see... what I see."  
Alis: "Well, all right then." *gives him a thumbs up* "You're an okay guy, Light. I can't wait to see what you see."  
Squall: "We're really gonna plunge into that?"  
Alis: "Damn straight!"  
Squall: "Well, okay then."  
Firion: "Let's stop talking, and actually do something!"  
Aria: "I concur. Ryoko still has a debt to settle with me, and she's not getting off the hook very easily."  
Light: *sweatdrop*

*They all go ontop of the open deck, where Ryoko is looking down at the ground. They're about 10,000 feet above the ground.*

Ryoko: "This air is strange."  
Light: "Indeed. It is not native of any world I have been in."  
Ryoko: "It's..." *shakes head* "...no. No, I don't like this at all!" *thrusts her hands out* "In the name of the pact between the spirits and the callers, I, Ryoko the Summoner, call forth the guardian of the air!"

*One Sylph spirit shows up*

Sylph: "I have answered your call."  
Ryoko: "We're not breathing the air from Ivalice or any world we've ever been in. What is this?! It feels almost toxic."  
Sylph: "From the land of the Gods who design the worlds connected through the threads of existence. It doesn't just lead you out of Bahamut's reach. It will make you vanish if you keep breathing it."  
Aria: "You mean like the gas Jecht used on us to take us to..." *her mouth flaps say 'Equestria' but it's censored out to prevent the lawyers from getting angry again*  
Sylph: "A lot like that. But you won't survive it."  
Light: "But... it's unlocking a whole bunch of things in my head! I've never known things that are racing in my mind now! Why do I see the plans for the airship from Lufenia?! Why do I see the face of my father for the first time, to know that his face is MINE?!"  
Firion: "and why do I see things from my homeland? The deaths of fallen warriors I have yet to meet?!"  
Squall: "And why the hell am I seeing time condense into one single point, covered in angel feathers and flower petals?! My vision makes less sense than theirs!"  
Alis: "It's... um... symbolism?"  
Sylph: "You see things in the time streams you were a part of, but are no longer."  
Ryoko: "How do we get it to stop? If it's hazardous to us, imagine how the rest of Ivalice will take it! We have to seal it, whatever it is! I won't die this way."  
Sylph: "It's not in your power to stop it."  
Light: "I'm not used to hearing THAT."  
Alis: "Yeah! Can't we do SOMETHING?!"  
Sylph: "YOU can, Alis."  
Alis: "What? But I'm a sidekick in this gig. Y'know an optional character, so to speak?"  
Sylph: "No... you are a much needed party member..."  
Squall: "Well what do we do?"  
Sylph: "You have to... give up your time magic powers."  
Alis: "What?!"  
Sylph: "You're the most powerful time wielder in all of Ivalice. If we use your powers, we can seal the hole."  
Ryoko: "Where's Lord Bahamut?"  
Sylph: "Oh the moon."  
Ryoko: "Then I can do something, too."  
Sylph: "What do you intend?!"  
Ryoko: *hops onto the side of the ship, her hair and cape fluffing around like crazy*  
Light: "Ryoko!?"  
Ryoko: "Don't worry. Light, I will return to you. I love you." *dives off of it*  
Light: "RYOKO!"  
Alis: "SQUALL, dive!"  
Sylph: "You don't have to. Let her do this on her own..."

*Ryoko is falling head first toward the ground*

Ryoko: "Lord Bahamut, in all your glory, answer my call as promised in the pact between the spirits and the caller! ...please."

*suddenly 10 different versions of Bahamut appear and one catches her*

Light: "Wha... How many incarnations of Bahamut are there?!"  
Sylph: *vanishes*  
Aria: "I see ten of them. I think that's your answer."  
Alis: "It creates more questions than answers, though."  
Firion: "Maybe it's a Bahamut from each world."  
Squall: "Yeah, that one IS from my home world!"  
Firion: "Bahamut didn't ever show in my home world from what I can remember. If I could ask Minwu, then I would know."  
Light: "I wonder what she's doing?"

*between the Bahamuts...*

Ryoko: "Huh? I wasn't expecting this!"  
FFI Bahamut: "We all have answered your call."  
FFIII Bahamut: "Because we all could hear you."  
Ryoko: "But... aren't you one and the same?! You're all Bahamut!"  
FFX Bahamut: "Not so much. I'm actually the spirit of a dead little boy."  
FFVII Bahamut: "A spirit trapped inside a glowing piece of planet blood."  
FFIX Bahamut: "I lived inside the soul of a little girl."  
Ryoko: O_o FFIX Bahamut: "It's less pedophilic than it sounds."  
Ryoko: "I should hope so... anyway, Lord Bahamut...s. I need your help!"  
FFVI Bahamut: "You have but to ask."  
Ryoko: "The hole. It has to be sealed. Memories are flooding back from other worlds... and you all should not be able to hear me from your home worlds."  
FFVIII Bahamut: "It is troublesome. The powers of other worlds across the created universe and from the Realm of the Gods is coming through. The Realm of the Gods contains air that we cannot breathe, or we will die."  
Ryoko: "Not just you, but everyone will."  
FFV Bahamut: "It creates a mass of energy to seal something like this."  
Ryoko: "What kind of energy?"  
FFI Bahamut: "The kind of energy that most do not have."  
Ryoko: "STOP BEING SO CRYPTIC."  
FFIX Bahamut: *sigh* "You wanna seal it? You're gonna have to give up something. Something you value. A lot."  
Ryoko: "Oh shit. You're gonna take away Light from me, aren't you?"  
FFX Bahamut: "It has to be something valuable. We're not barbarians!"  
FFIX Bahamut: "What do you take us for?"  
FFV Bahamut: "Wasn't the whole purpose of this story to get you and that knight-in-shining armor together? We're not gonna go and fuck that up."  
FFI Bahamut: "Think of all the stupid episodes that would result of stretching this further than it should go! Trying to rebuild you both back up to where you are now, just to see that it would all be the exact same anyway!"  
Ryoko: "Ha. That makes a lot of sense, my lords. But still. What do you want me to give up to seal that hole?"  
FFVIII Bahamut: "I believe... we will take a part of you."  
Ryoko: "Part of me?! Look, I kinda need all my limbs."  
FFI Bahamut: "For Cosmos' sake, stop being an idiot! We're going to take a part of your power."  
Ryoko: "Oh. Okay. I accept that."  
FFIII Bahamut: "Even though you don't know what it is?"  
Ryoko: "I have different talents. Even if you take one of my powers away permanently with no way of ever recovering it, I can still go about my life. I can still be with Light. I'll be fine."  
FFI Bahamut: "You're open-minded about it."  
Ryoko: "I have a bright future ahead of me, oh Dragon King."  
FFI Bahamut: "I like that about you."  
Ryoko: "You... there's something special about you in particular."  
FFIII Bahamut: "Because the rest of us suck, huh?"  
Ryoko: "Not at all. But this one... he reminds me of Light. I feel the same kind of energy from him."  
FFI Bahamut: "The answer to that is simple. I gave him the powers. He is a Warrior of Light who fights in my service."  
Ryoko: "Then-!"  
FFI Bahamut: "I know what you fear, and that will not happen. For peace to exist between all our worlds, Light will stay here with you. There will be other Warriors of Light to take up the mantle where he left off. He has found humanity with you. Cid will be pleased to hear that he's become a normal person."  
All the other Bahamuts: "CID?!"  
FFI Bahamut: "Not your Cids! The Cid in MY world!"  
All the other Bahamuts: "Ohh. Okay."  
Ryoko: "Then please. Take a part of me. Any part of me. Seal the hole up and save our world. Save Ivalice."

*all the Bahamuts do the anime head nod at each other, and FFI Bahamut flies her back up to the airship*

FFI Bahamut: "Listen carefully, all of you. Ryoko will be sealing the gate that warps Ivalice with the other worlds. We will be carrying out her order. Warrior of Light!"  
Light: "Sir?"  
FFI Bahamut: *knocks Ryoko on the back of her head with his wing, causing her to faint, then hands her to Light* "You've done well, fighting in my honor. Your father... he will be most proud of you."  
Light: "My father?!"  
FFI Bahamut: "Ryoko decided she would give up a piece of herself to seal the gate."  
Alis: "Isn't that a bit harsh?!"  
Aria: "Can we help in any way at all?"  
FFI Bahamut: "No. None of you are summoners, after all."  
Light: "Wha... what is she giving up?!"  
FFI Bahamut: "She will lose her ability to summon for the rest of her life."  
Alis: "But she studied so hard! She's the most accomplished summoner in all of Ivalice!"  
FFI Bahamut: "Yes. And she will give it up. All of the summons will gather together and seal the hole, to prevent this world from dying in the void that is the Realm of the Gods."  
Squall: "She loves her summon spirit friends. They really are a big part of her..."  
Firion: "I hate to say 'for the better good', but I understand why she's doing it."  
Aria: "Ever since I've known her, she's been a summoner. It will be a big change."  
Alis: *nods sadly* "She aspired to make pacts with everyone of you. You... you had better make this worth it, Bahamut!"  
FFI Bahamut: "Oh, don't you worry. It's all going to be just fine. I promise. Take Ryoko somewhere safe. The skies will swell with spirits and magic, and if she dies in the process... this will fail."  
Alis: "We'll be heading to the closest place we have."  
Squall: "Mateus!"  
Alis: "Exactly!"  
FFI Bahamut: "Fly, quickly!"

*All the Bahamuts fly together, towards the ocean right off the shore of Warjilis, while the Invincible flies back to Lesalia as fast as possible. The skies are charged with all sorts of weird electricity and magical clouds. It smells like the biggest fart that's ever been farted. When the airship lands, the group takes a fainted Ryoko in to Mateus and Golbez' apartment*

Golbez: "Company? Again?"  
Alis: "Emergency landing. Can we borrow your couch?"  
Golbez: "Yes...?"  
Mateus: "What's wrong? Need that dress now? Sorry, Golbez and I started watching MLP: Friendship is Magic, and wouldn't you know it's fantastic! I mean... Light? Ryoko! What's happened to Ryoko?! I thought she'd be safe under your ever-protective watch! How could you let Ryoko get hurt!?"  
Light: *lays Ryoko onto their couch* "It's a long story..."

*they explain the story*

Golbez: "Bless her little heart."  
Mateus: "Indeed. If it is as you say, then we'll feel the ripple effect in a bit."  
Golbez: "What's that mean?"  
Mateus: "We'll know the world is sealed from other worlds."  
Squall: "You say that as if you're sad."  
Mateus: "I... I am." *bends down to look at Ryoko closer* "I don't want to leave Ivalice! I'm... I'm finally happy!"  
Light: "But Bahamut said-"  
Mateus: "What if the gates get sealed and we're sent back to our home worlds?!"  
Light: "The reason we came to Ivalice was because our worlds were destroyed!"  
Squall: "But the Bahamuts still existed."  
Firion: "Holy shit, what if we're all sent back?! You saw, the Bahamuts were there! Squall even said that one of them was from his home world, and one of them even knew you, and your father. Personally knew them. Like they were friends."  
Aria: *gasp* "No, you can't go back...!"  
Alis: "I'm not accepting this for a second. The Bahamut that spoke to us, the one that knew you, Light. He said that you would stay here because Ryoko needs you. Thing is, though... Ivalice needs all of you. It needs Squall, Firion, and even Onion! They will not leave our world because our world needs them just like it needs you!"  
Golbez: "But does it need the two of us? Old, washed up villains?"  
Aria: "Yes. We do need the both of you! Ivalice needs you to fight for the rights of gay couples. Who else can do it?"  
Alis: "Who is going to design Ryoko's wedding dress?!"  
Mateus: "Ha. Thank you."  
Aria: "And I know that Ryoko needs you, Mateus."  
Mateus: "Hmm. She's like my little sister." *kisses her forehead* "I have to make sure that her wedding goes smoothly! I'll coordinate the whole thing!"  
Light: ^^;  
Firion: ROFL Squall: "At least he's happy again."

*a large VI-VI-VI-VIIIIIP sound is heard from outside, and a magical ripple travels through EVERYTHING, eventually surrounding the whole world. Suddenly, the whole group is knocked out...*

*...Time passes.*

Ryoko: *rubs her eyes and sits up* "Huh?! We're at Mateus' place? Since when?" *she notices that the room is empty* "Where is everyone? Light? Aria? Alis?!" *she gets off the couch and explores the entire apartment* "Whre did you go? Mateus?! Anybody?"  
Mateus: *walks in* "For Heaven's sake, you look exhausted."  
Ryoko: "I am a bit tired. I just woke up alone, and I... I feared the worst."  
Mateus: "You're not alone, my dear. You have a loving family that needs you. But we also need you rested." *takes her back to the couch* "Please, rest. For all of us."  
Ryoko: "Where is Light?"  
Mateus: "There was a bit of a fight between Alis and Aria about living on her airship, so they've gone to put all the things back into your old apartment in Igros. They asked me to watch over you."  
Ryoko: "That's nice of you."  
Mateus: "Isn't it?" *kneels down next to her* "You know, you aren't married yet."  
Ryoko: "What do you mean?"  
Mateus: "That I wish I could have one chance... just one chance."  
Ryoko: "You want... me?"  
Mateus: "It's more than wanting."  
Ryoko: "I can't let you have me directly, Mateus. I do love Light with all my heart and I will not let you ruin that." *reaches up to pull his face down right next to hers and whispers into his ear, in a very very dirty tone* "But... I give you permission to use your magic to connect my dreams with yours. And there, I will let you have your way."  
Mateus: "You'd do that?"  
Ryoko: "I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to have a chance with you. But I'm not going to ruin my relationship with Light."  
Mateus: "And it would be foolish of me to turn away Golbez."  
Ryoko: "Exactly. So... cast a spell on me, my Emperor. Let's both rest. Pull up a chair next to me. It would look weird if we were lying side-by-side."  
Mateus: "Fair enough." *pulls up a chair, sits next to her, and takes her hand* "Listen to the sound of my voice. Sleep deeply. Sleep so deeply that you lose the sense of where you are. You will only awaken to my voice. The voice that is speaking to you now. Until you wake, it controls you. It guides you. Comforts you. Owns you."  
Ryoko: *falls asleep*  
Mateus: "Even if is just my dream... I want to hear you call me your master." *casts a spell on himself, making him fall asleep*

*No, you don't get to see what happens. Mateus and Ryoko do some dirty stuff. VERY dirty, bondage, S&M stuff. Mateus gets to hear Ryoko call him "master" more than several times. Ryoko does stuff that she doesn't even think is possible. They both enjoy the hell out of it... That's all you get! I'm not writing PORN!*

*It lasts a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.*

Light: *walks in the apartment* "Oh, she's still sleeping?"

*he sees Mateus is asleep in the chair next to Ryoko. With his hand in his pants.*

Light: "Yeah. Great." *nudges Ryoko* "Hey, time to get up. Everything is moved back to the way it was. We left Lynn and Onion's room as it is, so maybe later they can go back to it..." *nudges her again* "Ryoko?! wake up!"  
Mateus: *wakes up startled* "Wha-wha?! Oh! Well DAMMIT. Did you have to wake me?!"  
Light: "I wasn't trying to wake you. Seems like you had some business..."  
Mateus: *notices his hand is in his pants* "Whoa. I'm sorry."  
Light: "Sure... Ryoko, come on now. Wake up!"  
Mateus: "Out of my way." *leans over* "Ryoko? It's time to be going. I need to tidy up my apartment again."  
Ryoko: *eyes open, and she blinks a few times. She looks like she wants to jump into Mateus' arms for a few seconds, but then her eyes settle on Light and she smiles* "I feel so rested now. Are we going back home?"  
Light: "Yes, that's the plan."  
Ryoko: "Awesome. The couch is nice, but my back's getting achy. I miss my beautiful silk sheets~"  
Light: O_o Mateus: "Keep your details to yourselves, please. I have enough to deal with without hearing about your 'adventures'."  
Light: "You're one to talk..."  
Ryoko: *gets up and embraces Light completely* "I can't wait until we get home. We've been traveling way too much lately." *looks at Mateus* "Thanks for taking care of me. I know under your watchful eye that everything was safe."  
Mateus: "Hmm. You know, I do love you. You're family. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. When you decide to have your next holiday feast, be sure to slip me an invitation, would you?"  
Ryoko: "With pleasure." *walks over and hugs him* "You're welcome any time."

*Ryoko and Light leave together*

Mateus: "...ha. I'm going to have to learn to keep my distance if peace will ever be kept. Otherwise, I might not be able to restrain myself just to dreams like that."  
Golbez: *walks in* "Well, hello! Feeling rested?"  
Mateus: "I don't know, you feel like coming to bed with me?"  
Golbez: "I'll take you up on that offer, sure." 


	28. Playing Truth or Dare

"Omake!" 4th Round SEASON PREMIERE

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything, I don't know why you insist!

~Fic Start!~

*in the apartment in Igros, life has gone back to normal, even if it's just Firion, Aria, Ryoko, and Light living there now. Aria and Ryoko are in the living room in the middle of the night, with one candle lit between them. Light and Firion are off doing brotherly bonding stuff.*

Aria: "You know... we never did settle our dispute before."  
Ryoko: "I liked it better when you wouldn't shut up about-." *her mouth flaps say Equestria, but it's bleeped out*  
Aria: "Lawsuit, remember?"  
Ryoko: "Dammit. Listen, a whole month has passed since then."  
Aria: "...okay, fine. I'll let you off the hook. IF you play a game with me."  
Ryoko: "A game?!" *reaches into her purse* "I got my PSP right here!"  
Aria: "No, no, not that kind of game. I used to play this a lot when I was a kid. It's called Truth or Dare."  
Ryoko: "Ohh no."  
Aria: "What's wrong? I'm your best friend. You can tell me EVERYTHING."  
Ryoko: "What's with that demented look on your face? You're looking for blackmail material, aren't you?"  
Aria: "What? Come on, I'm not KUJA."  
Ryoko: "What does Kuja have to do with this?!"  
Aria: "Shut up. Here are the rules. Either you answer a question with so much honesty that even Applejack would blush, or you have to do a dare. And that's anything I say. Or, you could save yourself the embarassment and skip right to the dare."  
Ryoko: "the dares are the embarassing part."  
Aria: "You've played this before, haven't you?"  
Ryoko: "With ALIS."  
Aria: "Oh Goddess..."  
Ryoko: "I accept your deal if you never mention the chocobo thing ever again."  
Aria: "All right. And we'll start with you."  
Ryoko: "...let's get this over with."  
Aria: "Truth or Dare?"  
Ryoko: "Truth."  
Aria: "Okay. The reason you're sighing so much is because you're about to get married, but you're still thinking about someone else?"  
Ryoko: "I'm not thinking about anyone else in a romantic sense."  
Aria: "SO it's a sexual sense, huh?"  
Ryoko: "You only got one question!"  
Aria: "Ha."  
Ryoko: "Truth or Dare?"  
Aria: "Dare."  
Ryoko: "Go out on the balcony and scream 'I'm a vindictive bitch'."  
Aria: "WHAT."  
Ryoko: "Well?"  
Aria: *goes out onto the balcony and takes a deep breath* "I AM A VINDICTIVE BITCH!"  
Some voice from the ground: "Aww, shaddap! We all ready know that!"  
Aria: *walks back inside* "You're gonna get it now. Truth or Dare?!"  
Ryoko: "...dare."  
Aria: "Pick up the phone and call the local pizza place. Order a pizza covered in chocobo shit."  
Ryoko: "What. The. HELL?!"  
Aria: "Okay, instead, how about you pick up the phone and call Sephiroth and ask him to get back with you?"  
Ryoko: "WHAT?! FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE NO!"  
Aria: "Fair enough, how about you strip down to your underwear and walk around singing 'I take a look at my enormous penis'."  
Ryoko: "F-fine." *takes off her dress and starts walking around* "Whenever life gets you down, keeps you wearing a frown, and the gravy train has left you behind...and when you're all out of hope, down at the end of your rope,and nobody's there to throw you a line...If you ever get so low that you don't know which way to go, come on and take a walk in my shoes...  
Never worry 'bout a thing got the world on a string, Cause I've got the cure for all of my blues..."

*A door in the hallway opens, and Firion and Light come down the hallway*

Ryoko: "I take a look at my enormous penis, and my troubles start melting away..."  
Light: _  
Firion: XD!  
Ryoko: I take a look at my enormous penis, and the happy times are coming to stay."  
Aria: "YES! THAT'S IT! MUHAHAHAHAHA!"  
Light: "ohdeargoddesswhatinthenameof sanitydidIwalkin?!"  
Ryoko: *turns around to look at Aria, only to find that Light and Firion are there* "Oh FUCK me."  
Firion: "Yeah because that song was such a turn on."  
Aria: "Care to join us, boys? We could have a couples' truth or dare."  
Light: "You dared her to do it?"  
Aria: "Oh you BET I did."  
Light: "Well, it makes a bit more sense then."  
Aria: "Sit down. Both of you."  
Ryoko: *puts her dress back on* "All right, Aria. You've truly embarassed me in front of my beloved! It's revenge time! Truth or Dare?!"  
Aria: "Truth."  
Ryoko: "You want to play this game to get me to confess to something that I'm not telling you?"  
Aria: "YES!"  
Ryoko: "Hahahaha... your turn."  
Aria: "Truth or Dare?"  
Ryoko: "Truth."  
Light: *goes over to the entertainment center* "Do we even have a Famicom?"  
Firion: *goes over there, too* "This all looks to be Region-3 stuff. There won't be a Famicom in here."  
Aria: "You have to answer me honestly."  
Ryoko: "I know that."  
Aria: "And even the guys are in here, too."  
Ryoko: "Your point?"  
Aria: "Say the first name that comes to your mind as soon as I end this sentence!"  
Ryoko: "Dimitri!"  
Aria: "Oh... that's your brother."  
Ryoko: "That's right. I've been thinking about my brother the last few days!"  
Aria: "...well, I'm done with this."  
Ryoko: "What do you mean?"  
Aria: "I wanted you to admit that you thought about cheating on Light or something."  
Ryoko: "I wouldn't dare-"  
Aria: "Right, right, Miss Innocent. Spare me your lectures."  
Ryoko: "Why would you think that, unless you thought of cheating on Firion?"  
Aria: "I've not thought about ever cheating on Firion."  
Ryoko: "Then why would you even imagine that I'd think about cheating?"  
Aria: "Just to test you. there will be plenty of tests to your loyalty, especially since you're formally engaged now. The world just has it out for engaged people."  
Light: "Is that true?"  
Firion: "Yeah. It's easy to be afraid of getting married, with the difficult layover period like that."

*Suddenly, there's a knock at the door*

Light: *goes to answer it*  
Guy: "Hey, it IS you!" *takes of his hat to reveal... Bartz!*  
Light: "Well, if it isn't an old friend. What have you been doing?"  
Bartz: "I'm the mailman for Igros!"  
Firion: "Dude! I never thought I'd run into YOU!"  
Bartz: "Haha! Firion, too! You guys living together!"  
Firion: "Yeah, my dad here lets me live rent free. With my GIRLFRIEND."  
Bartz: "That's funny, I never suspected you were related."  
Light: "Look at our hair."  
Bartz: "I thought you looked more like twins than like father and son, but whatever. So, you guys know a... Ryoko Ronsenburg?"  
Light: "Indeed."  
Firion: "Mom! You got mail!"  
Bartz: "I always thought you were an orphan?"  
Firion: "Pops here's remarried."  
Bartz: "What a confusing scenario... oh well. Here ya go. It's a letter!" *puts the letter in Light's hand* "I'd best be going. Ever since Zidane was fired from the bar, he's been helping me and Boko do the mail runs. He'd hate to be left waiting... Bye!" *leaves with a big smile*  
Firion: "Bartz is still as oblivious as ever..."  
Light: "Igros only has one mailman? This is a large castle-town..."  
Ryoko: "A letter, huh?" *takes it and reads the front* "To Lady Ryoko Ronsenburg of Igros..." *opens it* "...it's... a letter from Mateus."  
Firion: "It's been a while since we've heard from him, hasn't it?"  
Ryoko: *nods* "Last time I heard from him, Golbez had an unfortunate accident with a tea kettle."  
Aria: "What kind of... wait, don't answer that."  
Ryoko: "You don't want the details. I promise."  
Light: "So what does our friend have to say?"  
Ryoko: *as she's reading the letter, her voice slowly fades into Mateus' voice like they often do in movies* "Dearest Ryoko, I hope this letter finds you well. You'll be pleased to know that I have finished your wedding dress with all of my usual flair. However, I have also decided that you're going to have to pay me for it. Come to see me as soon as you're able. Alone, preferably. Your friend, Mateus Palemecia"  
Aria: "He wants you alone?"  
Ryoko: "He's not going to hurt me."  
Firion: "It's another one of those tests of loyalty."  
Light: "I have faith that Ryoko will not betray me. Her heart is like that of the purest white dove."  
Aria: ROFLMAO "Oh god, stop it with the poetry."  
Ryoko: "...my heart? Pure? ...ha. Ha... my love, I..." *looks away sadly*  
Light: "What? Why have you become so sad?"  
Ryoko: "I wish you were as pure as you make me out to be. To be honest, I've had a pretty bad history when it comes to dating. Some of the things I've done... I'm not really proud of."  
Aria: "Such as dating Sephy."  
Ryoko: "Yeah, such as that. But I've done worse than that."  
Aria: "You've had worse boyfriends?"  
Ryoko: "No, the things I did to them... I betrayed so many people, over things that weren't all that important, because... I felt like they weren't loyal to me, even though quite a few of them actually were. Men and I have always had a weird relationship, and it works a bit like this. I typically fall in love quickly, but the moment an invitation came along to go somewhere else, I would." *turns to look at Light* "I love you, Light, and I promise not to let that happen again. I just know my history. It scares me."  
Light: *grasps around Ryoko* "If you know my undying loyalty, then you wouldn't think of making such a decision, correct?"  
Ryoko: "Yes..."  
Light: "Then I vow, right here and now, that even if you fall in love with someone else, I will always remain at your side."  
Firion: "...wouldn't that invalidate your entire reason for being?"  
Aria: *drags him to the other side of the room* "Stop being so snarky! It's getting good!"  
Ryoko: "Even if I... were to fall in love with another?!"  
Light: "I will protect you, even if our relationship turns to nothing but a cordial affair."  
Ryoko: *sheds tears of happiness*  
Aria: *watching longingly*  
Firion: "You're really a sucker for this kind of thing, aren't you?" *walks over to Light* "Dude, you forget one minor detail. Mateus isn't gonna ask her for her love. He's gay, remember?"  
Light: "That IS true."  
Aria: "Dammit, Firion!" *throws a pillow at his face* "You ruined the moment."  
Firion: "What moment? It was like Shakespeare in here, just worse. It was like the worst crappy Mary Sue romance fanfiction I've ever read!"  
Aria: "I thought we agreed off camera to stop the self-aware jokes?!"  
Firion: *rolls his eyes and walks off down the hallway* "Come on, Dad, let's go see if Onion left a Famicom around and play us some NINJA GAIDEN!"  
Light: "But I don't feel particularly suicidal today." *kisses Ryoko's forehead and follows Firion* "My bride needed reassurance."  
Firion: "Reassurance? Maybe. But busting out the lines like that? No one does that."  
Light: "Yes, and why do you think divorce rates are so high?!"

*their discussion fades away as they close the door in the hall*

Aria: "Back to the truth or dare."  
Ryoko: "You said you were done!"  
Aria: "You don't want to see Mateus because you like him."  
Ryoko: "Admittedly, yes, I like Mateus."  
Aria: "No, no, you don't just like him. Not just as a casual friend. I know this for a fact. The way you blushed when you read that letter. I know you too well. You've thought of sleeping with him before."  
Ryoko: *turns away* "Believe what you want."  
Aria: "You didn't refuse it. Why's that?"  
Ryoko: "I've dreamed of it. I haven't just thought of it. I've had dreams of his merciless ways. And they were wonderful."  
Aria: "You want me to go with you?"  
Ryoko: "I think it would be reassuring."  
Aria: "Or is Alis better fitting for this mission?"  
Ryoko: "Truthfully, Alis would suggest the same thing. and the moment something bad would start, she would butt in."  
Aria: "Then that's what I'll do."  
Ryoko: "Of course, without Alis, I don't even know how we'll get to Lesalia."  
Aria: "But you don't want to call her?"  
Ryoko: "At the moment? No. I got a postcard from her the other day, if you remember..."

*the postcard is on the fridge. It says "Someone I love was in Fisherman's Horizon, and all they sent me was this lousy postcard"*

Aria: "Oh yeah. Another world hopping vacation. How does she even send letters like that?"  
Ryoko: "She knows the exact location of our mailbox in the entire space-time continuum. That's the only way it makes sense, so that's how I try to rationalize it."  
Aria: "Or maybe she knows YOUR exact location?"  
Ryoko: "That's another possibility." *shudders* "Either way, if you want to come with me to Lesalia, then you're more than welcome to. I don't know if I trust myself alone with Mateus."  
Aria: "Last time turned out fine, right?"  
Ryoko: "It did. We slept the entire time."  
Aria: "How do you know HE slept the entire time?"  
Ryoko: "Light said when he woke Mateus up... he had his hand down his pants."  
Aria: "Oh Good God, maybe this gay thing is just a farce."  
Ryoko: "Aria."  
Aria: "He wants in your pants one time before you're married!"  
Ryoko: "Aria!"  
Aria: "He's gonna rape you if you go alone! I have to come with you!"  
Ryoko: "...Aria, STOP IT."  
Aria: "What?"  
Ryoko: "How about... you let me borrow your phone, and I arrange for him to visit here instead? If he's willing, anyway."  
Aria: "Sounds safer to me. Go for it." *hands her the phone*  
Ryoko: *notices that Mateus is on speedial* "Whoa, really?"  
Aria: "Who the fuck else do we call?"  
Ryoko: "Fair enough." *presses the number 5* "Kinda sad that Koko and Boco's Pizza is higher on the list than he is, though."  
Aria: "Considering we haven't ordered from them since they sent the rotten Gyshal Green and Zeio Nut pizza..."  
Mateus (on the phone): "This is the Emperor. Please state your business."  
Ryoko: "Mateus?"  
Mateus (on the phone): "Milady. I trust you received my letter?"  
Ryoko: "I did. Just now. Can I ask you a favor in return for yours?"  
Mateus (on the phone): "It depends."  
Ryoko: "I don't even know what you want to ask of me, but I have a sneaking suspicion as to what it is."  
Mateus (oh the phone): "No, it isn't what you think it is. You see, I've begun working with a new company, and I need help with things related to my job."  
Ryoko: "Oh! Would you care to drop by our place instead? Our airship pilot is out gallavanting the multiverse with her longtime boyfriend right now, so I don't have an easy way to get to Lesalia."  
Mateus (oh the phone): "I'll have to install a warp in your apartment, then. I had one between ours and Kuja's, but Kuja and Sephiroth split up, so now they're living in different places."  
Ryoko: "That's news to me."  
Mateus (on the phone): "It happened not a while ago, so I have an extra warp. Then we could see each other whenever we liked, without the need of messy transportation."  
Ryoko: "Or you could just move closer."  
Mateus (on the phone): "My dear, you know that is a bad idea."  
Ryoko: "It is. You're right. So, get your patookus over here and we'll talk about whatever it is you need from us."  
Mateus (on the phone): "Wonderful. See you soon."  
Ryoko: *hangs up* "He'll be over here instead."  
Aria: *takes the phone* "Good! That way if he tries anything sneaky, Light can be all heroic and knightly, saving you from the bad guy!"  
Ryoko: "You wish Firion was more like that, don't you?"  
Aria: "Is it bad if I say yes?"  
Ryoko: *sigh* "I don't think so, but he doesn't look much like the knight-in-shining-armor type."  
Aria: "I know."  
Ryoko: "It's okay, though. You gotta see Firion for who he is. He's rough around the edges, but he's still a great person."  
Aria: "You don't have to tell me twice!"

*time passes. About four hours pass. Ryoko lays down for a nap in her bed, Aria's playing her PSP while sitting on the living room couch. Light and Firion decide that since they don't have a Famicom handy for some stupid reason, they're going to see if the local market has one.*

*the doorbell rings*

Aria: "Hold yer horses, I'm comin'." *opens the door* "We're not buying anything."  
Mateus: "Funny, I have absolutely nothing to sell."  
Aria: "So, this is the first time you've come here, huh?"  
Mateus: "Yes, it is." *walks in, looks around* "Rather plain decorating you've got here."  
Aria: "It's been a lot less inspired since Lynn decided to move back to Zeltienna to help with the rebuilding. It is her home, after all."  
Mateus: "And what of the young man?"  
Aria: "I don't know what happened to Onion. He just left one day and hasn't come back to see us since."  
Mateus: "Pity. He's got a good heart, that one."  
Aria: "Yep. What brings you here?"  
Mateus: "Ryoko did not tell you?"  
Aria: "She said you were coming. She didn't say why."  
Mateus: "Well, instead of having to repeat myself, let's... oh dear. Where is the little summoner?"  
Aria: "Did you forget all ready?"  
Mateus: "You're right. How has she been taking it?"  
Aria: "She looks around sometimes like she's really sad, but she won't tell anyone about how she feels. She said that she gave up her summoning powers for the world, and she's glad she was able to do it... but I can tell that she feels lonely, considering it's what she went to magic school for. It's like she lost her life's purpose."  
Mateus: "I can see why that would be a problem. Where is the dearie?"  
Aria: "She's napping. Her room is the first on the left down the hall, if you want to see her."  
Mateus: "why, sure. I'll check on her." *starts heading down the hall, finding the door is cracked just a bit so he can see inside* "She's still asleep."  
Aria: "She sleeps a lot more now."  
Mateus: *thinking* (I certainly hope that wasn't my fault.) *walks up to the door and pushes it open very gently*

*Ryoko is laying on what could be the fluffiest bed in existence. She's propped up by what could be a metric shit-ton of pillows covered in lace, and she's curled up on her side in a beautiful comforter that matches the pillows. She's cuddling with a plushie of Bahamut. Yes. She has one. Be jealous.*

Mateus: "Milady, I would be honored if you'd grace me with your presence, as we have an appointment this afternoon."  
Aria: "Bah, that won't wake her up."  
Mateus: "Good gracious." *picks up a pillow and whacks Ryoko on the head with it* "Excuse me, Sleeping Beauty, but if you wouldn't mind!"  
Ryoko: *still asleep* "Master..."  
Mateus: !  
Aria: "Whoa."  
Mateus: "That must be some dream." *starts sweating profusely*  
Aria: "I was never under the impression she was into that kind of thing."  
Mateus: "You can never judge a book by its cover."  
Aria: "It would seem so."  
Mateus: "What's with that look, Miss Aria?"  
Aria: "The jig's up, Mateus. Your expression changed when she whispered 'Master'. You are not fooling me."  
Mateus: "Whatever do you mean?"  
Aria: "You've got an S&M fetish, don't you?"  
Mateus: "Of... of course not."  
Aria: "Yeah you do. A man like you, walking around in a robe like that? You're into kinky stuff."  
Mateus: "Oh, oh all right, fine. I admit it. I like to be dominate."  
Aria: "Ha! You and Golbez must have an interesting relationship."  
Mateus: "We do. Now, let's wake her up, please. I really would like to discuss everything with you all."  
Aria: "All?"  
Mateus: "Are the knight and Firionel not home?"  
Aria: "Nope. They went out to have brotherly bonding time. Searching for a Famicom."  
Mateus: "If I would have known. I have one. When we get the warp installed, I'll send it over."  
Aria: *leans down next to Ryoko* "Hey, you bum, wake up! HEY. Listen to me, Ryoko! WAKE UP."  
Ryoko: *murmurs in her sleep a few times*  
Aria: "How does Light do it?"  
Mateus: "Would it have anything to do with that?" *points at the wall*

*there is a box on the wall labeled "For waking Ryoko in emergency situations"*

Aria: "Huh, why'd I never see that there before?" *walks over to it. "If I had any guess, it would be-"

*she opens it. it's a cheesecake*

Aria: "How do I know these things?! Huh? There's a set of instructions?!" O_o;

*In Light's very messy handwriting, it says "only one slice per emergency, otherwise shock may occur" and underneath it, is a scratched out line that says "give her the whole thing to wake her up."*

Aria: *takes on piece, puts it on a saucer, and lays it on the bed next to Ryoko* "There. Now, get out of bed, we have things to do!"  
Ryoko: *wakes up almost instantly, and starts to pick up the cake, when she notices that Mateus is there* "What alternate world have I come to in my sleep, to find you in my bedroom?!"  
Mateus: "Milady, we have an appointment for today. I need to ask a favor from you before I'll give you your wedding dress?"  
Ryoko: "Oh... so it wasn't the world where you and I are linked together for eternity in a bond that requires me to give all of myself every night after the sun sets?"  
Mateus: "What in the world were you dreaming?"  
Ryoko: "You... you don't wanna know."  
Mateus: "But I do."  
Ryoko: *eats the cake very delicately, unlike when Light's around* "You fed off of my sexual energy. You had to make me orgasm just to stay alive."  
Aria: O_O Ryoko: "I told you that I'd been dreaming about Mateus."  
Aria: "Yes but... that's... that's pretty dark, even for me."  
Ryoko: "Alis would say 'that's my sister!' very proudly."  
Mateus: "But... milady, we have much to discuss. Please, let's go sit at the table like normal adults."  
Ryoko: "Oh, all right." 


	29. Mateus' Message

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 2

Disclaimer: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.

~Fic Start!~

*Mateus has stuffed himself inside a closet to install the warp he brought with him. It looks like Lucca's teleport pod, y'know, from Chrono Trigger. Ryoko and Aria sit at the dining room table, both looking at each other rather awkwardly*

Aria: "So... you really do have dreams where Mateus owns your existence."  
Ryoko: "Yes. I do."  
Aria: "There's a part of me that's not sure if that's pathetic or kinky."  
Ryoko: "Oh thanks a lot."  
Mateus: "Now, now, dears~" *comes out of the closet holding his staff which he modified into a gigantic wrench* "Miss Aria, I've no intention to create a world like that. Ryoko belongs with Light. I'm afraid if I had her to myself, she would no longer remain the friend you care for."  
Ryoko: "Is it finished, then?"  
Mateus: "Indeed! Now we can see each other whenever we'd like."  
Aria: "Hmm. It is easier than making anyone move. We were starting to think that you just didn't want to talk to us anymore."  
Mateus: "For Heaven's sake! don't you watch 'Friendship is Magic' anymore? Remember, you should never assume the worst about your friends!"  
Aria: "I never thought I'd be schooled in MLP facts by YOU of all people."  
Ryoko: "Anyway, you wanted to discuss something alone, Mateus. What was it?"  
Mateus: "We aren't alone."  
Ryoko: "Of course not." *nudges Aria, then nods at her*  
Aria: *nods in return* "Call me when you're done talking..." *she hides in the hallway where she can hear everything, but Mateus can't tell she's there*  
Mateus: *sighs* "Oh, my dear, how could you do this to me?"  
Ryoko: "What are you talking about? I thought you wanted it this way."  
Mateus: "Not when you talk in your sleep! And then you wake up convinced that it is true? Milady, this cannot continue."  
Ryoko: "My Emperor. It will not happen again."  
Mateus: "You're right. It will not. Discard your affection for me if you cannot keep it secret. I designed you a wedding dress, and the entire time I... I was pretending like it was going to be presented to me. You said you would never trifle with your relationship with your knight." *hugs around her* "What I wanted to discuss privately with you was that spell I came up with to link our dreams."  
Aria: !  
Ryoko: "You were going to end it anyway."  
Mateus: "No. No, I wasn't." *whispers in her ear so Aria can't hear it* "I wanted to offer you another chance to bring it to life."  
Ryoko: "I..." *steps back carefully* "I think it's time we stopped being so friendly, Mateus. I love Light with all of my being. What I feel for you... is a deep, unsatisfied lust. You bring out my darker side. I'm afraid of what you do to me. Making me second guess myself like that! I ought to kick your ass right now!"  
Mateus: *looks at her sadly* "I'll break the spell. Gladly. I only want you to be happy." *lifts his staff and points it at her* "I release you of your contract."

*Just as the magical energy from his staff shoots and hits Ryoko right between the eyes, the door flies open*

Firion: "The HELL?!"  
Light: "Mateus?"

*Ryoko flops onto the floor*

Mateus: "It's done. No need to worry anymore." *turns to face the men* "Perfect timing. We have much to discuss."  
Light: "So it would seem." *walks over to Ryoko* "My love, are you all right?"  
Ryoko: "It needed to be done. It was not harmful in any way." *picks herself up off the floor* "Aria. Come on out."  
Aria: *comes out, but stomping and angry! She gets up in Mateus' face and gives him a glare so scary he almost faints on the spot* "How... DARE you!"  
Firion: "Whoa, baby, what happened?!"  
Aria: "I can't believe you, Mateus! I just... the first point is that Dream Magic is ILLEGAL in Ivalice! The second is Ryoko and Light have a PERFECT romance and I couldn't stand it if someone like YOU destroyed it."  
Mateus: "I never intended on destroying anything. Now, if you'd sit and listen to what I have to say..." *lifts his staff again, and everyone are sent to seats around the dining table* "I hate having to do that."  
Light: "We missed something dreadful."  
Firion: "Ugh, only to find out that there's not a Famicom anywhere NEAR Igros."  
Mateus: "Firionel, please, if you would not mind, keep the idle banter until after the briefing."  
Firion: "Bite me, you overgrown yellow chicken."  
Mateus: "Do not treat me as an antagonist when I am not."  
Firion: "Binding us to chairs makes you pretty damn antagonistic to me!"  
Mateus: "You are not bound to the chairs. Get up if you must, but I do need a few moments of your time. If you want the wedding dress that I made for Ryoko, you all are going to have to help me with my newest line of work."  
Firion: "I'm sorry, I won't pay a gay whore for any favors, sexual or not."  
Mateus: "I've had enough of you, Firionel!"  
Light: "Let us not provoke him any further."  
Mateus: "Thank you, oh gentle knight of goodness..." *grunts* "No. I am a costume designer and a director at a local theater in Lesalia. We need people to fill roles in our latest play, and I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to dress you all up in embarassing costumes."  
Ryoko: "Embarassing, how?"  
Mateus: "You will be my lead role. The heroine of the tale."  
Ryoko: "And I guess you'll be forcing yourself as the hero."  
Mateus: "Not at all. I am not an actor. But I know how to get people to do what I want, like a director, and I love designing clothes, so the costumes is just extra business for me!"  
Aria: "That's all you need? I'm up for helping you."  
Firion: "I thought you hated his guts just a few seconds ago...?"  
Aria: "He didn't hurt Ryoko. He broke a spell that was placed on her."  
Light: "Ryoko was under a spell?"  
Aria: "Of illegal, forbidden magic, at that."  
Ryoko: *looks away very sadly*  
Light: "Forgive me not not even noticing you were under such hardship."  
Mateus: "I think you and I need to speak alone, Light. But not now. Before I return home. Anyway, I need all four of you couples to fill the roles in my play. There's the main party of four, plus four characters they interact with on their journey. I request that you find and gather them, so that I can get started on this massive project."  
Aria: "I'll post about it on Twitter."  
Mateus: "...why didn't I think of that?"  
Firion: "Because you're an idiot."  
Mateus: *conjures up a big piece of tape and throws it on Firion's mouth* "I told you I didn't have patience for any lip from you of all people. You really should learn to settle your past differences with me. I just happen to be friends with your girlfriend."  
Firion: *his voice muffled by the tape*  
Ryoko: "You want us to parade around your stage, just for a dress?"  
Mateus: "Not just a dress, little summ... good god, what are you now?! I don't have any cute nicknames to call you!"  
Ryoko: "I'm not anything anymore. I haven't fought since the Bahamut council came to save Ivalice from destruction, and I... think that's fine."  
Light: "No. You're a main character! Battle is your destiny, my love."  
Ryoko: "It's best if Mateus does not have a cute nickname for me."  
Mateus: "I'll start calling you 'princess', then."  
Ryoko: "Anything but that! My main class now is Samurai!"  
Light: O_o;  
Aria: "What's your deal? Aren't you the daughter of the Ronsenburg line?"  
Ryoko: "It's a secret."  
Aria: "Not with you going around 'My name is Ryoko Ronsenburg! Burn it into your memory!' anytime someone challenges you to anything. Remember when I challenged you to make a thousand paper cranes to give to Lynn last week? You just shouted that before going about making them in record time!"  
Mateus: "Enough. As I was saying, little samurai, I realize that asking all of this for one dress is a bit too much."  
Firion: *rips off the tape* "You don't say?!"  
Mateus: "So, I'm offering you something more. Much, much more."  
Ryoko: "I don't want your affection."  
Mateus: "Why does everyone think that's what's on my mind?"  
Ryoko: "Why don't you stop undressing me with your eyes and talk to me like I'm a human being?"  
Mateus: "It hurts when you speak to me like that..." *sits down next to her* "I'm willing to design everything for your wedding. Every bridesmaid dress, every tuxedo, all the decorations, and I'll coordinate everything."  
Light: "Is that not Ryoko's job to do? Is it not her special day to coordinate?"  
Mateus: "The wedding cake will be the biggest, best tasting chocolate cheesecake in the known multiverse."  
Light: "WE'LL TAKE THE JOB."  
Ryoko: *nods in agreement*  
Aria: "You always dangle that in front of them like a carrot in front of a rabbit, don't you?"  
Mateus: "If a weakness exists, it should be exploited, Miss Aria."  
Firion: "Why do you look as if you're getting off on this?"  
Mateus: "You cannot begin to fathom what brings me to climax, Firionel." *reaches over and gently slides a finger down Firion's face* "Only if you submit will you understand. and that's the trouble with people like you. You're too stubborn to realize all you need is a good master who will keep you well." *stands up* "Miss Ryoko, I will be stealing your fiancee for a few moments. Oh, and Miss Aria, if I could have just a moment of your time, I would really appreciate it."

*Aria and Light follow Mateus out into the hall. Firion and Ryoko sit at the table, feeling very awkward*

Firion: "Did that just creep you out?"  
Ryoko: "I was wishing he'd do it to me, actually."  
Firion: "...you like gay guys, don't you?"  
Ryoko: "What?!"  
Firion: "Gay-looking, anyway. Oh man, when Light figures that out, he's gonna start having issues about his appearance."  
Ryoko: "Light doesn't look gay!"  
Firion: "Truthfully, can you say that? His luxurious long hair, his dazzling blue eyes, the way he wears his armor? Think about it. He looks like he walked right out of a yaoi manga."  
Ryoko: "With the way you just described him, you might have been his romantic partner."  
Firion: "I know a good-looking man when I see him, thank you very much."

*IN THE HALLWAY*

Mateus: "I have something I need to talk to the both of you about."  
Aria: "You put that spell on her, didn't you?!"  
Mateus: "...I did."  
Aria: "Why, I oughtta-"  
Mateus: "At her request."  
Light: "What do you mean?"  
Mateus: "Light, I know we've not always been agreeable, but you must listen to me. Ryoko is struggling inside. She loves you, and I'm not the type to destroy such a beautiful romance, but there's a darker hunger inside that I don't think you're up to the task of handling."  
Light: "Why would I not be?"  
Mateus: "You're a beacon of all things good, and you act like that. Ryoko, she... has a much darker side to her, and what's sad is, she doesn't want to show it to you, or even tell you about it. She let me see it because I can handle it. She won't let me see it in the flesh, so she asked me to connect our dreams."  
Aria: "This isn't what I think it is...?"  
Mateus: "It might be. I know I'm being cryptic about it. Either way, what she has confided in me is that its this hunger that drives her to leave people who love her. Light... you're going to have to learn how to... how do I put this gently?"  
Aria: "Light, you're not satisfying her sexually, and Ryoko had Mateus connect their dreams together so he could do it for her. But she doesn't want to betray you, she loves you."  
Mateus: "Thank you!"  
Aria: *shrugs* "You can't be subtle with this one. Or his 'son'."  
Light: "...but... I... what? This is all so confusing."  
Mateus: "I figured as much. I suggest you talk it over with her. I wasn't supposed to let you see what happened in there, but since you did... it should be addressed."  
Light: *nods*  
Aria: "If you need me to, I'll help you with it."  
Mateus: "The truth is, Golbez doesn't exactly let me do to him what Ryoko would, and I've been very tempted to take her as my own. Do me a favor, Light. Fix this before it destroys both relationships. For the sake of your future marriage, fix this now." *turns and walks back in the apartment*

*Ryoko has her head down on the table. Firion looks concerned about her*

Mateus: "Little samurai~" *walks over to her* "Now, my dear, you must face this head on, or it will come to destroy every relationship you'll ever have in the future. Don't be afraid to speak up. I've all ready explained what I can to both Aria and Light. Ryoko, look at me."  
Ryoko: "Leave me be, Mateus."  
Mateus: "...I'm not going that route. We all ready agreed it was not for the best. Temptation is too great."  
Ryoko: "Just... go away."  
Mateus: *twitches a few times* "If... if I don't walk away from this, I'm going to snap. If you're trying to make me turn into that person, it's not going to happen. I'll be back with your scripts soon." *walks into the closet and warps out*  
Light: *sits next to Ryoko* "What kind of a mess is all this? I'm so confused at all of it, and I don't know what to say or how to say it. Ryoko, do I really leave you... wanting more?"  
Ryoko: *sniffles, but doesn't move*  
Light: "Oh..."  
Firion: "You know what you need, Light? Some sake."  
Light: "I do not drink!"  
Firion: "Hmmm. Perhaps not. Would bring the mood up a bit, don't you think?"  
Aria: "Pour me some. This is hitting me harder than all of you."  
Light: "Why would that be?"  
Aria: "Because I figured it out before you did. The way she acted when she woke up from her nap... She told me she dreamt about him, she just didn't tell me to what extent."  
Light: "It's not like Ryoko to lie."  
Ryoko: "I didn't." *sits up* "Light, I love you."  
Light: "Didn't I tell you that even if your heart belongs to another, I'll still protect you?"  
Ryoko: "You did, but..."  
Light: "I've changed my mind upon hearing all of this."  
Ryoko: "What...?"  
Light: *pulls her close* "You should not need to dream of another man to be satisfied. I love you, and I think this is what its like to feel... greedy. I don't want to share you with anyone. If you are to be my wife, you are to be mine, and mine alone."  
Aria: "Light, that's not greed."  
Firion: "Lovers are supposed to be that way. Committed to each other in all ways. It's not greed, man. That's devotion!"  
Light: "what can I do for you to show you how much I mean this?"  
Ryoko: *blinks a few times*  
Aria: "Tell the man what's on your mind!"  
Ryoko: *whispers in his ear for about five minutes*  
Light: *blushes redder than Firion's rose*  
Firon: "Daaaaaaaaaaamn."  
Light: *has a nosebleed*  
Aria: "What the hell did you say?!"  
Light: "Now?"  
Ryoko: "I'm not done yet."  
Light: "Well, how about we get started and then we play it by ear?"

*Light carries Ryoko off in a hurry, while Firion and Aria are starting to get a bit tipsy.*

Firion: "I've never seen him so rarin' to go."  
Aria: "I've never seen Ryoko do that to anyone."  
Firion: "You know what that means?"  
Aria: "They're each other's destiny!"  
Firion: "Damn straight!" 


	30. Hashtags and Costumes

"Omake!" Season 4, episode 3

Disclaimer: ...we don't own shit.

~Fic Start!~

*Light and Ryoko are kinda busy at the moment*

Aria: "I wonder how -hic!- it's going?"  
Firion: "Don't tell me... you wanna find out."  
Aria: "Of COURSE I do!" *walks down the hallway* "Getcher ass over here."  
Firion: "But-"  
Aria: "NOW."  
Firion: *sigh* "Fine..."

*they sit outside Light and Ryoko's room, listening in*

Ryoko: "No, dear. As much as I love that, it's not what I'm looking for."  
Light: "It's what we always do."  
Ryoko: "Exactly. Why do you think Mateus attracts me so much?"  
Light: "Then you'll have to guide me."  
Ryoko: "I know you're strong. Pin me down. Show me that sexy strength of yours."  
Aria: *nods in approval* Firion: "Daaaaaaaaaaag yo." *starts to get up*  
Aria: *grabs his scarf* "Let's see how good it gets."

*the closet glows, and Mateus walks out*

Mateus: "I've got a pile of scripts for you~"  
Firion: "I never thought I'd say 'thank god Mateus showed up'..." *gets up and walks over to greet Mateus* "Back so soon? And leave poor Golbez alone?"  
Mateus: "My Sexy Shoulders happens to be in Zeltienna, helping with the rebuilding."  
Firion: "Really? Why?"  
Mateus: "He thinks we're partly responsible for all that happened."  
Firion: "Well aren't you?"  
Mateus: "What did I do to rip the world apart?"  
Firion: "You did work for Awkward Cloud for a while."  
Aria: "Shut up, you guys, it's getting GOOD."  
Mateus: "...that's... Ryoko's bedroom, isn't it?"  
Firion: "What are you going to do when I say 'yes' to that?"  
Mateus: "I'm... tempted to listen in."  
Firion: "WHY?!"  
Mateus: "Ryoko's the only woman I've ever been attracted to."  
Firion: "So this means... you're not gay anymore? HAHA! You've found the magic in females, huh? Welcome to the world of men, Mateus!"  
Mateus: "Fuck off." *puts the scripts on the table* "So, Miss Aria, has she been training him?"  
Aria: *nods several times*  
Mateus: "Good!" *pulls out a pair of reading glasses* "Now, where was I? Yeees, did you get any replies on Twitter?"  
Aria: *looks at her phone* "Alis writes 'Mateus is lying' with the hashtag #thishastrapwrittenalloverit. And Lynn writes 'If Onion's not back, I don't care' with the hashtag #lovelifesucks."  
Firion: "They just invented those hashtags, didn't they?"  
Aria: "Yes. Yes they did."  
Firion: "This play may not happen at all, then. Sorry about that."  
Mateus: "Look, either the play happens... or you help me get another payment."  
Firion: "why did you say that like you're getting off on it?"  
Mateus: "Because I AM, you idiot!" *crosses his arms* "But I know Miss Aria would never, ever break up such a romantic pairing, so..." *makes an evil grin* "Let me in there."  
Aria: "You wouldn't."  
Mateus: "I will get payment for that dress."  
Aria: "How about we pay you in gil like every other person on the planet?"  
Mateus: "I have enough gil. It doesn't satisfy me at all, really."  
Firion: "Even when you could buy a Ryoko clone?"  
Mateus: *gets starry eyed* "WHA... is this TRUE?"  
Firion: *nods*  
Aria: "Wait a minute..."  
Firion: "It's just an idea."  
Mateus: "My own little personal Ryoko to keep in my kinky dungeon! Sounds splendid! Where do I get one?"  
Aria: *gets up and walks over to the table* "THEY. DON'T. EXIST."  
Mateus: "Aw, shucks."  
Firion: "Dammit."  
Aria: "How could you put ideas like that into his head, because he'd actually try to go through with them, you know!"  
Firion: "It would get him off our backs, wouldn't it?"  
Mateus: "Since coming to Ivalice, I've studied a bit of time magic."  
Aria: "Yeah, and dream magic... if it isn't available on the job charts, it's ILLEGAL."  
Mateus: "Must I cast a silence spell on you to be heard?"  
Aria: "Go ahead! My ribbon here makes me immune to all KINDS of status effects."  
Mateus: "That is easy to remedy."  
Firion: *facepalm*

*Light and Ryoko's bedroom door opens, they come out... and Light looks incredibly protective*

Light: "I don't want to hear you saying you're interested in another man ever again."  
Ryoko: "That's fair..."  
Mateus: "Well, well, shall we finally get down to business?"  
Ryoko: "You said you needed everyone, right? You have exactly eight roles?"  
Mateus: "Yes, and auditions simply take too much time."  
Ryoko: "How do you know that these roles will be perfect for all of us?"  
Mateus: "Little samurai, you should know me better than that by now. I wrote it to star all eight of you that way I can dress you up however I want."

*Mateus snaps his fingers and Ryoko floats in midair*

Light: "What is this?!"  
Mateus: "Harmless energy keeping her afloat that way I can design her costume the way I see it in my mind. Stop struggling, dear, or I'll have to paralyze you as well."  
Ryoko: "Stop being so friendly."  
Mateus: "I can't do that, dear Ryoko..." *snaps his fingers again* "Hmmm. A red skirt. Armor around the curvy parts. A shield, a broadsword..."

*as he says these things, they magically appear on her*

Mateus: "Yeees. A regular little fighter, you've become so suddenly."  
Ryoko: "I'm your... heroine?"  
Mateus: "Exactly. Yes, you can call me Rarity, because I'm so generous suiting you up like this. And to think, Halloween is so close now!"  
Ryoko: "I don't consider this generous, after all, this is payment for my dress."  
Aria: "No fair. Red's my color."  
Mateus: "So it is!" *snaps his fingers and suspends her in midair, too* "Long red cloak, red hat with a white feather... hmm, a fluffy color, a light sword, smaller shield..."  
Light: "This looks oddly familiar."  
Firion: "What's the name of this play?"  
Mateus: "The Four Legendary Warriors of Corneria."  
Light: "...wait a minute."  
Firion: "You're teling the story of the Light Warriors? Couldn't the Gods get pretty pissed off about that?"  
Mateus: "They're not Light Warriors. They're legendary warriors."  
Ryoko: "Anyone with knowledge of the legends of Final Fantasy will know."  
Aria: "Great, you're casting us in a knock-off!?"  
Mateus: "No, no, this is an original story."  
Light: "No, you see, I AM the original Light Warrior!"  
Mateus: "I thought you were a 'Warrior of Light', not a 'Light Warrior'."  
Light: "Corneria is my home town!"  
Mateus: "You're taking this extremely personally."  
Light: "You cannot tell the story of my life without compensation!"  
Mateus: "I'm sorry, the story isn't about YOU, unless you're that big of a jerk where you want to make it about you."  
Light: "You lying, plagarizing piece of shit." *calls his sword* "Keep your damn dress. We'll find someone else to make one for Ryoko."  
Mateus: "No, no, you see... this play is Fanfiction, dear knight." *walks up to him and pushes the blade down* "I do not claim ownership of this material."  
Firion: "Then how can you claim it as original?!"  
Mateus: "Because I wrote it."  
Aria: "Lemme down, you overgrown golden platypus!"  
Mateus: "I can see that you're all upset over this, so I offer a deal. I did make that dress for the little samurai, so I still want something for it." *looks at Light* "I want one night with your fiancee."  
Light: "NEVER."  
Mateus: "I'm not finished yet. Hasty, aren't you?" *frowns slightly* "With your fiancee, and you."  
Light: *looks appalled on such a level he cannot even speak* "We'll do your damn play."  
Mateus: "I knew you'd see it my way." *pats him on the shoulder lightly* "Just as Firion has to put up with me, so do you. Can I call you Light-kun?"  
Light: "I wish to see you beheaded."  
Ryoko: "We did say we'd do the play. Let's just accept that it's worse than a Chinese knock-off and bite the bullet all ready."  
Mateus: "Your fiancee is so agreeable. Why can't you be like that?"  
Light: "Firion, please let me know when it's okay to kill him."  
Firion: "Will do."  
Mateus: "Aaand for the silver haired beauty..." *snaps his fingers and Light is immediately in a beautiful princess dress with a tiara* "The most beautiful princess."  
Light: *is about to fly off the handle*  
Ryoko: "My handsome knight! Mateus, don't do this, please."  
Mateus: *lets out a vicious evil laugh* "And for the other handsome devil~" *snaps his fingers, and Firion's wearing a very clingy witch costume* "You get to play the all-knowing, but blind Matoya!"  
Firion: "Tch..."  
Aria: O_O;;  
Mateus: "You're adorable. I can see what Kuja saw in you."  
Firion: *extremely sarcastic* "That's uplifting."  
Mateus: "Glad you agree." *slaps Firion's ass* "You should just relax. All of you. I'd never hurt you. Play with you, yes. Hurt you? Never."  
Aria: *looks at her phone and sends an SOS text*  
The text: "Alis was right #HOLYFUCKHELP!" 


	31. Unexpected Arrival

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 4

Disclaimer: Eh.

~Fic Start!~

*Light's pissed enough that he could murder a whole city without caring. Aria's starting to come out of her dizzy spell from being drunk, and Firion still can't believe he's wearing a form-fitting red witch dress. Ryoko has been trying to get free from Mateus' spell, but it's not quite working. Mateus, on the other hand, is at the table, reading through paperwork.*

Firion: "You got us floating here, unable to move. I thought you were here to design our costumes?!"  
Mateus: "What? I'm sorry, I totally forgot the taxes were due in a few days, and I really should get these done." *takes off his glasses to look at Firion* "But until the costumes are finished, I am not releasing you. I won't have them ruined before they're finished."  
Light: "What's left to be finished?"  
Mateus: *evil grin*  
Light: "Never mind. Don't answer."  
Aria: "I think I'm giving up sake..."  
Ryoko: "No, it's not the sake's fault. It's mine."  
Mateus: "Don't say that, little samurai. It simply isn't true." *sighs* "I suppose if I'm going to do paperwork, I should do it at home. It really is unfair of me, so..." *snaps his fingers and lets Ryoko flop to the floor* "You really should be more careful with your landings. I've seen you fall on your face twice this afternoon."  
Ryoko: "You never warn me first."  
Mateus: "I will let you go, but Ryoko will come with me."  
Light: "YOU..." *extremely loud glass breaking noise*  
Firion: "Whoa, it's louder than usual!"  
Aria: "UH OH."  
Mateus: "I need to make sure that her wedding dress fits properly before I commit you all to the play."  
Light: "Then I'll go with you."  
Mateus: "Old friend, you do know that it is bad luck to see the bride in her gown before the wedding, don't you? You know how BAD LUCK gets around here."  
Aria: "He's right, Light. Fine, I'll go with you instead."  
Mateus: "Miss Aria... I appreciate the gesture, but it simply will not work. You're distracting."  
Aria: "Yeah so maybe you won't stare at Ryoko's ass so much."  
Mateus: "That's not her sexiest feature, I don't know what you're talking about." *grabs Ryoko's chin by force and looks at her face* "How does the little samurai feel about this?"  
Ryoko: "I... accept."  
Light: "What?!"  
Ryoko: "I'll be back in 20 minutes. I promise. If I'm not back in 20 minutes, then all of you have the right to storm Mateus' apartment."  
Firion: "Just go, so you can get back. Maybe you should go stuff yourself with all the donuts in the box on top of the fridge, so you'll be bigger than the dress and he'll have to remake it!"  
Mateus: "You, sir, are a prick."  
Aria: "Look who's talking!"  
Ryoko: "Stop it. Let's just go do the fitting, Mateus. I've gotta turn in a library book tonight or I'm gonna owe three hundred gil in late fees, so I wanna get back home before the library closes."  
Mateus: *picks Ryoko up and carries her over his shoulder* "When I leave, the spell will end~ Brace yourselves~!"  
Light: "She better be back in 20 minutes, Mateus, or you're DEAD."  
Ryoko: "Everything will be fine, Light, I promise!"

Mateus: *walks into the closet and warps to his apartment* "Ahh, home sweet home!" *puts Ryoko on her feet* "Now where was I? Oh. That's right." *looks at her* "Your dress."  
Ryoko: "...that tone of voice."  
Mateus: "I'm not about to do anything. Not unless-" *he pins her up on the wall* "-you want me to break the warp pad and prevent your return home."  
Ryoko: "what would you do? Fake my death? You'd have to fake your own, too, or Light... and everyone else, for that matter, would come and kill you."  
Mateus: "That's a splendid idea, however, I wouldn't fake it. I'd take you to Heaven with me. You would be mine for eternity, to serve the Emperor of Heaven. And I know how much you love serving the Emperor."  
Ryoko: *stops to think for a moment* "Isn't, y'know, God the ruler of Heaven?"  
Mateus: "My dear. Don't you know? I've conqured heaven all ready. I was split into two souls before the Dissida conflict. One ruled Hell, the other ruled Heaven. Chaos put my two forms together again to serve him. I can't take a tender thing like you to Hell."  
Ryoko: *suddenly scared* "You... you wouldn't actually kill me. Would you?"  
Mateus: "Or Light could die. Then you wouldn't feel like you had to be loyal to him anymore."  
Ryoko: "You're... you're mad!"  
Mateus: *lets her go* "You took me seriously?!" *has a laughing fit* "Ha, I'm a much better actor than I thought!"  
Ryoko: "WHAT."  
Mateus: "Let's go check out your dress. HA, you have made my day!"  
Ryoko: "Well damn."  
Mateus: "...what's wrong?"  
Ryoko: "I was kinda hoping you would go through with it."  
Mateus: "..."  
Ryoko: *looks at him very sadly, like she's about to cry* "But I guess I'm gonna have to marry Light afterall, since you never acted like you had any interest in me for so long that you let me fall in love with him. My beloved Emperor... what will I do without your love?! When every night I have yearned to be under you, pleasing you, serving you..."  
Mateus: "You... want my love?"  
Ryoko: *gets up and sniffles* "Let's go look at the dress."  
Mateus: "I guess I will have to take your life. I had no idea you felt that way..."  
Ryoko: "HA! See what it's like to pull that kind of prank on someone?!"  
Mateus: *blink blink*  
Ryoko: "I don't want to die, Mateus."  
Mateus: "I don't either. I'm relatively happy."  
Ryoko: *thinking* (God, just rape me all ready.)  
Mateus: *thinking* (She's turned into a tease!)

*they go down the hall, to look at the dress.*

~MEANWHILE~

Light: *is sitting right there, staring at the clock, without blinking, with his usual very serious expression on his face*  
Firion: "Five minutes have passed."  
Light: "I'm aware of that."  
Aria: "She'll be home. Ryoko's got one good thing going for her in this case. She's never -EVER- late. Never has been."  
Firion: "With all the other stuff she does, that's amazing."  
Aria: "Hmm. You are right on that."  
Light: "I wonder."  
Aria: "About?"  
Light: "Do you... do you think she's in love with me anymore?"  
Firion: ?!  
Aria: "Hold on a minute! How could you even... think that? I've never seen her more dedicated to anyone."  
Light: "I guess I am lacking any sense of security, aren't I?"  
Firion: "There's no way in hell Ryoko'd ever leave you for that sniveling wimp."  
Aria: "She might think about having sex with him though."  
Firion: "Gee, thanks for being comforting, Aria."  
Aria: "She's all ready admitted that her history isn't exactly the cleanest. It's hard to put aside old habits. The fact that she even agreed to marry you is proof that she doesn't intend to break that."

*suddenly, there's a loud crash outside and the apartment shakes for a few minutes. Then Alis warps in, looking around like she's going to kill somebody*

Alis: "I fuckin' told ya'll... huh? I thought you guys were in trouble."  
Aria: "We were. Then Mateus left."  
Alis: *eyes narrow* "And Ryoko?"  
Firion: "Went with him."  
Alis: "...time for that old ass wizard to die."  
Light: "Not yet. I will hold him to his word. If he does not keep it, then that asshole is my prey."  
Alis: "I knew I should have stuck around to make sure security didn't get too lax. This kinda shit's been happening ever since she was a little kid. Get kidnapped, be a damsel in distress... gahh, if I don't make sure she doesn't do stupid shit, then she goes along with the villains because she wants to think 'oh hey, they're my friends! We can do whatever, they're not gonna hurt me.' BULLLL SHIIIT."  
Light: "She went with him to try on the wedding dress that Mateus designed for her. She said that if she didn't come home in 20 minutes, then we have every right to go storm the place."  
Alis: "How long's it been?"  
Light: "Around eight minutes, roughly."  
Alis: "I'll wait it out with you."  
Aria: "So what was that crash outside?"  
Alis: "You think I had time to park when I was fretting for my best friend's life?!"  
Aria: "So you just warped out of the airship... as soon as you got within range, without bothering to PARK?!"  
Alis: "that's right."  
Light: O_O Firion: "Was Squall in it?"  
Alis: "No, I left him back at Fort Zeakden."

*FLASH OVER TO FORT ZEAKDEN*

Squall: *is sitting there with a checkers board* "I hope this doesn't take too long... you left on your turn! GAHH." *pulls out Gameboy Advance from his coat pocket* "Now let's see if I can FINALLY beat Soul of Rebirth! God this game is soooo HAAAAARD."

*the GBA's batteries die*

Squall: *sniffle* "But... but... there was TIME now!"

*BACK AT THE APARTMENT*

Firion: "You went on vacation to play checkers?"  
Alis: "Yeah, we're doing this whole tour thing. We've got a tumblr, and we take pictures of ourselves playing checkers in various locations around the worlds we go to."  
Aria: "I've heard of worse things to make a tumblr for."  
Light: "Like documenting our entire adventure against the Awkward Cloud for millions of hits?"  
Aria: "Hey, adventure is just what the people on tumblr wanted at the time."  
Light: "Yeah, uh huh..."  
Alis: "Got Ryoko another sticker, too!" *hands it to Aria*  
Aria: *reads it aloud* "A person I love went to Corneria Castle and all they got me was this lousy sticker?"  
Alis: "Since she's got such a collection of those."  
Light: "You visited Corneria Castle?"  
Alis: "Yep!"  
Light: "How? Remember that the Bahamut Council sealed Ivalice off from all the other worlds using the core of Ryoko's magical power?"  
Alis: "Light, I don't think you understand what really happened before the hole was sealed. Squall was able to visit the town of his birthplace, Winhill, because it popped up between Igros and Gariland. Corneria Castle is near Limberry now."  
Firion: "So before it was sealed, things from the other worlds got sucked over here?! How?!"  
Alis: "From what I remember about Ryoko explaining things to me, Ivalice was not formed as a main part of Bahamut's universe. It was made to be a barrier of defense between the thirteen sectors of Bahamut's reach and the Realm of the Gods. I may not be getting it exactly right, though, so don't quote me on this. Ryoko told me about it when we were still teenagers."  
Light: "It's amazing Ryoko's able to figure things like that out."  
Alis: "She's always had more mana in her than most, which enabled her to easily pick up on the summoning arts. Bad guys have been wanting that power for years. Mateus must be no different."  
Aria: "Actually, the worst that Mateus will do is try to seduce her. I think the battle with Awkward Cloud set his mind straight."  
Alis: "Wasn't Mateus gay, though?"  
Firion: "Oh he still IS pretty gay, but he did admit to Ryoko being the only woman he's ever been attracted to. Because she's... submissive."  
Alis: *evil smile* "So THAT'S it! Ha!"  
Light: "What?"  
Alis: "I never took Mateus for that kind of guy. Oh, man, Light, you have a hard time ahead of you. Pleasing Ryoko's not only difficult, but it requires a special talent that not many peaceful men like you can manifest. I don't actually get why she adores the pure-of-heart when it's clear they can't satisfy her needs."  
Aria: *nods in agreement* "Mateus actually TOLD him to his face that if he didn't fix this, it would ruin his future marriage."  
Alis: "It's true! He's very insightful, then... perhaps she should break up with Light after all. He understands that there's a dark side to every heart."  
Firion: "This is MATEUS we're talking about. His soul was split into two halves back in our homeworld before the Dissidia conflict. One was a terrible demon which Satan himself could not hold back, and the other was a gentle God with six shimmering wings which ruled over the souls of Heaven. When Chaos called him over, the souls were put back into him. This is probably why he is the way he is. Sure, he was my arch nemesis for years, but he's not inherently a bad person. A bad guy, but not really a BAD guy."  
Light: "There's five minutes left."  
Alis: "Light, can you answer me one question."  
Light: "What's that?"  
Alis: "Exactly what are you doing dressed up like a princess?"

*AND OVER IN LESALIA*

Mateus: "Not that I had to help much, but you are beautiful."  
Ryoko: *while wearing the dress. It's simply the most beautiful, shiny, silky dress in existence. It's white with light blue and lavender trim, with a poofy ballgown skirt and a trail that extends out into the hallway* "Thank you so much for making it, but-"  
Mateus: "You aren't satisfied?!"  
Ryoko: "Mateus, no, it's wonderful. I think it's a bit much."  
Mateus: "I made it with every love for you."  
Ryoko: "I know." *leaps up and hugs him tightly* "We'll do that play for you. If they refuse, I'll have to kill 'em."  
Mateus: "Oh... we don't have much time left. I'd best get you home."  
Ryoko: "You don't have to, I'll just warp there."  
Mateus: "No, I want to rub it in Light's face that I kept my word."  
Ryoko: "...let's just get me out of this."

*AND IN THE APARTMENT IN IGROS*

Light: "That bastard has one minute left!" *starts to open the closet, and then the blue warping magic appears* "Huh?"  
Ryoko: *appears and then glomps him* "About to jump the gun, were you?"  
Light: "I feared he would keep you against your will."  
Ryoko: "Mateus wouldn't do that."  
Alis: "Not every day a villain keeps his word."  
Ryoko: "Alis?"  
Mateus: *appears a few moments later* "I'm not a villain anymore."  
Firion: "I don't know about that."  
Mateus: "Firionel..."  
Firion: "Sorry, I'm just so used to having the urge to destroy your entire existence. I hate your guts inherently. I had to face you in our homeworld, then I had to face you for thirteen straight cycles in the Dissidia conflict, and now... you're all chummy. It feels weird."  
Mateus: "I believe that's my line..."  
Aria: "That's enough, boys. So, how'd the dress work out?"  
Ryoko: "Splendidly! It fits like a charm."  
Mateus: "And makes her shine like a star on a clear night. I'm a miracle worker."  
Alis: "I still don't trust you."  
Mateus: "Not that I care if you do."  
Ryoko: "Alis, don't act like that. Mateus is actually one of the kindest people I know, and-"  
Alis: "The guy likes your submissiveness... he knows more about you than you think. Things he shouldn't." *glares at Mateus*  
Mateus: "You and I aren't going to get along very well, are we?"  
Alis: "If you keep your intentions in the clear, then we might."  
Mateus: *sigh* "Little samurai, before I go home to take care of the rest of the tax forms, I want to give you something." *pulls out a treasure box with a bow on it* "I'd been waiting for the right time to give it to you."  
Aria: "...you're not."  
Mateus: "No, it's not what you think."  
Ryoko: *opens the box* "Huh? It's a tiara? Mateus, you know I hate girly things like this."  
Firion: "...wait a minute."  
Mateus: "Humor this sorcerer, would you?"  
Ryoko: *puts it on her hair. it's very sparkly and pretty* "Happy now?"  
Mateus: "Very. Thank you." *kisses her forehead* "I'll give you guys a few days to gather everyone else. When I come back, I expect the entire group! And I don't believe Ryoko will accept 'no' for an answer. I bid you all aideu~" *walks into the closet and warps away*  
Ryoko: *sighs and puts the tiara back in the box* "Mateus, you're too kind."  
Light: "He didn't try anything untoward at all?"  
Ryoko: "No. He seemed happy, but very sad at the same time."  
Alis: "I don't like how he kissed you."  
Ryoko: "It's just his way of being affectionate. A kiss on my head isn't the same as sticking his tongue down my throat."  
Alis: "He's creepy!"  
Light: "If you trust Mateus, then I'll do my best to do so as well." *hugs Ryoko* "I thought I felt you distancing yourself from me."  
Ryoko: "I wouldn't ever do that. I love you so much..."

*they get really affectionate. it's kinda disturbing to watch. When they realize they're being stared at, they go sit on the couch. After a few minutes they start having Thumb Wars.*

Firion: "That... that's not right..." *mumbles off to himself, walking down the hallway*  
Aria: *follows* "What's wrong?"  
Firion: "Mateus."  
Aria: "What is it?"  
Firion: *pulls her into their room and closes the door* "Don't tell Ryoko this, okay? You have to promise you won't say anything about this to ANYONE."  
Aria: "What? What IS it?!"  
Firion: "Baby, you're not from our world, so you don't know all the formal customs there. Royalty back home, when they propose, it's tradition to give a tiara like a ring anywhere else. Essentially what Ryoko just accepted was an engagement ring."  
Aria: "...oh. Oh. OHH."  
Firion: "You have to keep a good eye on her, because it might be enchanted, too. This is Mateus we're talking about."

*suddenly there's a knock on their door*

Alis: "You're not going to believe this."  
Firion: *answers the door* "What is it?"  
Alis: "We just got this letter."  
Firion: *reads it aloud* "You're invited to the funeral of Sephiroth."  
Aria: "Whoa."  
Alis: "Sadly, when I blew him up, it just KO'd him. This involved breaking battle rules. He was killed in cutscene."  
Firion: "How's Ryoko taking it?"  
Alis: "She's..."

*IN THE LIVING ROOM*

Ryoko: "MOTHER FUCKER DESERVED IT."  
Light: ^^; 


	32. Reborn at a Funeral

Season 4, Episode 5!

Disclaimer: *the disclaimer machine splittles and breaks apart, then crumbles to the floor in a pathetic smoky pile of ew*

~Fic Start!~

*In the apartment, Alis is demanding a girl talk, so she drags Aria and Ryoko into a room and shuts the door, leaving Firion and Light behind to do... whatever guys do during girl talk.*

Alis: "Before we go any further with this, Ryoko, you need to answer a question."  
Ryoko: *sigh* "What is it?"  
Alis: "The fuck were you doing going off alone with someone that has an attraction to you as possessive as that?"  
Ryoko: "Mateus is a sweetheart and he'd never ever hurt me."  
Aria: "Except during, y'know, his possessive sexy moments, of course. He had a dream link to you. That YOU requested!"  
Ryoko: "So I wouldn't be tempted to cheat on Light! I do so love Light and I would dare not betray the trust we share."  
Alis: "You like him that much?"  
Ryoko: "The temptation was too great, for both me and Mateus, so I let him cast a spell on me that linked our dreams. It was safe until I started talking in my sleep, so he took it off me."  
Alis: "There's three paths you could take in this kind of situation. One, never see each other again and marry Light as planned."  
Ryoko: "...you're breaking my heart. Never again see Mateus?"  
Alis: "Thought so. Two, you could tell both Light and Mateus your true feelings, and become a threesome."  
Aria: "That wouldn't work. Light's a bit old fashioned."  
Alis: "Or you break up with Light entirely and you be with Mateus. I can't make the choice for you, obviously. I'd get along better with Light because he's not a secretive jerk who refuses to talk to me like all your other exes."  
Ryoko: "Not all my exes were secretive jerks."  
Alis: "Sephiroth, Kratos, Ken..."  
Ryoko: "Hey..."  
Alis: "I don't need to go on, do I?"  
Ryoko: "Hector wasn't a jerk."  
Alis: "Hector tried to have me shoved off a cliff."  
Ryoko: "You lie! I'd go back to Elibe and ask him if I could!"  
Alis: "Pfft, you're a little more than deluded if you think Hector was a decent person. A political minded man who only saw me as a person trying to take you away from him. Not as a friend who wanted to escort you home."  
Aria: "I thought by his portrait that he was an honorable man who thought only of the peace for his country. Perhaps he saw you as a threat to his homeland?"  
Alis: "I wouldn't be such a trouble for anyone if they'd just see it may way."

*weird awkward pause*

Ryoko: "I'll think about everything and make a decision after the funeral, all right? Leave me be."  
Alis: "...by the way. I am happy to see you, regardless of the circumstances."  
Ryoko: "You always come to butt in when you think I'm in trouble."  
Alis: "No, I only come to look out for you because you do a crappy job of it yourself."  
Aria: "Ryoko didn't get herself in trouble when we were in Lord Ramza's army... so I don't know which side to go on. Maybe before she became combat ready, she got herself into a lot of trouble, but now... even without her summoning powers, she's still a force to be reckoned with as a master samurai."  
Ryoko: "I'm going to my room now. I need to get ready to go to the funeral."

*AND IN LESALIA*

*Golbez has come home from Zeltienna, while Mateus is in his workroom, staring at the dress he made for Ryoko with a sense of longing*

Golbez: "Hello? Anyone home?"  
Mateus: *walks out of his office* "My beloved Sexy Shoulders! How long it's been!"  
Golbez: "Only about, what, eight days?" *hugs around Mateus* "I have missed you and my kitchen... can't wait to make the apartment smell like roasted meat again~"  
Mateus: "Dearest, there is much we must talk about. A lot has happened while you were away."  
Golbez: "Oh, it sounds painful."  
Mateus: "It is..." *shrugs* "Well, about a week ago, Kuja and Sephy broke up completely. Kuja moved all the way to Lionel to get away from here. It was a large fight, and their entire apartment building exploded in the mix. Killed a few thousand people."  
Golbez: "Well damn."  
Mateus: "And then, I just got this letter saying that we're invited to Sephy's funeral."  
Golbez: "Who killed him?"  
Mateus: "Don't know. He survived the fight with Kuja, but he wasn't killed in battle. He was killed in cutscene. He cannot be revived."  
Golbez: "I suppose that will have to come first, then. He was a massive bother to the entire world, but he was our friend first."  
Mateus: "Indeed! And there is one... other thing."  
Golbez: "Yes?"  
Mateus: *slowly looks away* "You might want to sit down for this."  
Golbez: "What?! Did something happen to my brothers?!"  
Mateus: "Heavens, no! They're both fine."  
Golbez: "Then..."  
Mateus: "It's me."  
Golbez: "You're sick?! You have cancer!?"  
Mateus: "I am sick... but it's not something that medicine can cure."  
Golbez: "Oh... oh no... not you... I can't have you dying before I do..."  
Mateus: *sigh* "It won't kill me." *shakes head* "My heart has been stolen."  
Golbez: *pounds his fist on the table angrily* "WHO IS HE?!"  
Mateus: "That's just it, and what confuses me... it is a woman."  
Golbez: *utter shock crosses his face* "Bu-bu-bu-but you... you hate women."  
Mateus: "No, not this one..."  
Golbez: "So you're leaving me for her."  
Mateus: "I do love her considerably, and I would bring down the very moon and stars for her. I cannot keep up a lie with you, Golbez. I will not play with your heart that way."  
Golbez: *nods* "I respect you for that. After the funeral, I will... arrange another place to stay."

*TIME PASSES - Alis finds her airship in perfect working order, save for a ding on the side. She picks up everyone from the main group in the airship and lands at the graveyard*

Ryoko: "Let's... do this."  
Light: "Are you all right? I thought you hated his very guts."  
Ryoko: "I do. But he and I still spent seven years together." *walks out of the airship alone*  
Alis: "Don't take it so hard, Light. She's got something else on her mind anyway."  
Light: "What?"  
Alis: "What happens after the funeral." *follows Ryoko quietly*  
Light: *walks out of the airship puzzled* "Every time Alis gets involved, things get confusing."  
Alis: *shouts back* "Get used to it, pal. I come with Ryoko as a package deal!"  
Firion: "It's too nice a day for petty disputes, Dad." *comes up from behind Light*  
Aria: "She does seem a bit possessive, doesn't she?"  
Squall: "Don't expect her to change. The prince gave her the order to protect and serve his sister, and even though they were separated for so long, she still has the order. Unless the prince remarkably shows up out of nowhere, which I severely doubt, she will continue to take the order seriously."  
Aria: "The prince? Her brother?"  
Squall: *nods*  
Light: "So she and I both have the same job, when you think about it."  
Firion: "Seems that way."  
Aria: "Hey, is that Lynn over there?"  
Lynn: *waves from the burial site* "Hiya."

*standing next to her are Kuja, Mateus, Golbez, and a priest*

Priest: "Is this everyone?"  
Lynn: "Yeah."  
Kuja: "That dumbass. I didn't want him to die. I just wanted him to be away from me for a while..." *sniffle* "That abusive, self-centered nincompoop." *sniffles some more, then bawls on Golbez's shoulder*  
Golbez: "You'll find someone. I promise..."  
Mateus: "Little samurai, you look like you're about to break into tears."  
Ryoko: "Who? Me?" *shakes head* "You're seeing things, Mateus."  
Light: "You don't have to lie about your feelings. You spent how long with him? Seven years, right?"  
Ryoko: "Ha... you think my heart is burdened over that?!" *looks at Mateus sadly* "Sephy and my heart have been so distant for so long that it could never be THAT which brings me to tears."  
Mateus: *seems to understand, and nods gently* "...my apologies."  
Alis: "Start up the rites, old man." *whacks Ryoko on the back of her head* "Concentrate on what's in front of you, sis."

*the funeral happens*

Ryoko: *can't seem to hold it back anymore and starts sniffling* "Sephy... can you... really be gone?" *falls onto her knees* "I- I- I-..."

*Light and Mateus bend down to comfort her, then bump into each other*

Ryoko: "I never hated you..."  
Light: "My love, do you need a shoulder to cry on?"  
Mateus: "Little Samurai, if I can be of any assistance..."  
Ryoko: *doesn't even hear them as she cries*  
Alis: "Both of you, let her mourn! Back off."  
Firion: "Let them be men! Let them comfort her!" *grabs Alis and pulls her back a bit* "Don't think your way is the only way."

*there is a quiet rustling of leaves nearby, but only Mateus and Light seem to hear it*

Light: "What...?"  
Mateus: *whispers* "A harmful energy approaches..."  
Alis: "What's wrong?"  
Mateus: "Light, whatever you do... do not leave Ryoko's side."  
Light: "I will protect my beloved forever and always! I will patrol the perimeter."  
Mateus: "No, you need to stay with her. Let me take a look around. If she's going to marry you, then you have to stay by her side no matter what happens."  
Light: "How dare you!"

*a large energy ball comes from behind the group, and when Light runs in to use his shield to deflect the energy, Mateus shoves him out of the way and intercepts the energy himself*

Mateus: "Sephiroth!"  
Sephiroth's voice: "Brilliant display of heroism for the former Emperor!"  
Mateus: "The hell do you want?! We came to mourn your passing, and here you are... ALIVE?!"

*the energy ball vanishes with a loud "WOOSH!" and Sephiroth is revealed to be there with his sword pointed at a mourning Ryoko*

*the priest faints*

Alis: "He's ALIVE! What a lyin' no-good scumbag!"  
Sephiroth: "I am what I am, and no matter what world I am in, I will rule the planet in whatever way I must. Ryoko is the Pillar of this world. Once she passes along to Heaven, this planet will have no more protection from my powers."  
Light: "I shall slay you myself!" *calls his sword to his side*  
Firion: *snatches Light before he goes ballistic, then drags him a bit*  
Mateus: "You will not pass through me. Ryoko is under my protection!"  
Light: "Tis a lie! She is under MY protection!"  
Alis: "Can't forget me! I came before all of you."  
Aria: "And she is my responsibility as well..."  
Lynn: "She's my friend! I won't hesitate to throw my lot in!"  
Firion: "Ryoko... is a part of my family."  
Golbez: *shrugs while eating a banana*  
Kuja: "I really couldn't care any less..." *sniffle*  
Sephiroth: "Hmph... I will defeat you all!"  
Golbez: *throws banana peel at Sephiroth's feet*  
Sephiroth: *slips and falls face first into the hole the casket went into*

*everyone stares at each other for a few moments, except Ryoko, who hadn't really noticed what was going on*

Mateus: "That was... anti-climatic."  
Light: "No kidding."  
Alis: "Ryoko, are you all right?"  
Ryoko: "Death is... never easy. No matter what mask you wear." *looks down in the hole* "Huh, he seems to be... blinking at me?"  
Sephiroth: "You never were that smart, Princess."  
Ryoko: *glass-breaking noise*  
Everyone else: "Oh shit!"  
Ryoko: "Don't call me that! Don't ever call me that! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL ME 'PRINCESS'!"  
Firion: "Run for it, she's gonna explode."  
Aria: "...I think he finally put her over the edge."  
Ryoko: "Screw the others protecting me, asshat. THIS... is you and me!" *draws her sword* "It's time to duel to settle the past and the future!"  
Lynn: "Or, better idea! You could bury him alive!" *holds up a shovel*  
Ryoko: "Or I could do that, too." *grabs shovel and starts throwing dirt in there, and then accidentally throws the priest in, too*  
Lynn: "Umm..."  
Ryoko: *throwing dirt in there so fast, she doesn't even notice*

*Sephiroth flies out up into the sky and dusts himself off, the priest gets thrown back down in the hole like a rag doll*

Sephiroth: "I'm not that easy to get rid of, pathetic inferior beings!"  
Mateus: "You call ME inferior?!" *glass-breaking noise* "Never!" *shoots beams of energies from his hands*  
Sephiroth: *deflects them* "YES. All of you are inferior!"  
Mateus: "...Ryoko, my little Samurai... I would have loved to spend every day with you... even if, you were not my own..."  
Ryoko: "Mateus, what are you doing?!"  
Mateus: "I love you, Ryoko. Ever since I saw you in the Dissidia conflict, I couldn't stop thinking of you. I worried for you, and having to fight you." *a magical circle appears beneath his feet* "I call upon the wrath of the Heavens!"  
Ryoko: "Noooo, not you! Not YOU!" *reaches for him* "Don't do this, it's not worth it!"  
Sephiroth: "She is right, you know. You won't be able to finish your spell on time..."  
Mateus: *holds up his staff and rotates it above his head* "Hahahahaha~!"  
Alis: "Ryoko, have you made your decision?"  
Ryoko: "Mateus, listen to me. I adore you. You can't die this way. Not to stop Sephiroth, when we could kill him together as a team! Don't risk your life for something stupid... if you're doing this because you can't have me, well... I'll become your bride if you'll stop this foolishness."  
Light: "Wait... WHAT?!"  
Mateus: "I am sorry. I won't let you do that for me."

*Sephiroth charges into Mateus, and he releases his Starfall spell. It's so huge that Sephiroth vaporizes and Mateus falls to the ground with a loud thud*

Ryoko: "Great. You killed him... but at what cost?"  
Mateus: *smiles* "No cost is too great for you, my little... samurai..." *slowly fades away*  
Ryoko: "No... no... not you... not my..." *starts to take in a deep breath* "MAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUU -"  
Lynn: "Here ya go!" *hands her a phoenix down*  
Ryoko: "You know, that WAS a battle scene..." *puts it on his forehead and waits for it to take effect*  
Firion: "So... you're really in love with Mateus, huh?"  
Ryoko: "I... I am. It's really unfair, and I can't stand what I've done to everyone because of this, and... Light..."  
Light: "I... accept your decision."  
Ryoko: "You... do?"  
Light: "I do. My love, if you wish to accept Mateus into our family, then please, be my guest. I will not make you suffer because I am greedy. I am a simple man with a simple mission in life, and that is, ultimately, your happiness. If you love him so much that you'd marry him to save his life... what else can I do?"  
Ryoko: "I've betrayed you, Light. Your trust, your devotion... everything."  
Light: "Not at all. I will guard your life ever vigilantly, as it is my duty. You are my lady, regardless."  
Aria: "Does this mean they're an OT3?"  
Firion: "Seems so."  
Alis: "So it did work out favorably! Took a bit of prying to get you to be honest, though. Death makes us stupid."  
Mateus: *slowly wakes up* "Ho-how... what? I thought I-"  
Ryoko: *hugs him* "I can't imagine life without you."  
Mateus: "My little samurai... the words you said to me as I charged up that spell..."  
Ryoko: "It's true."  
Mateus: "And here I thought you were against betraying everything you ever stood for."  
Ryoko: "I feel horrible, but..." *hugs him tighter* "Light says it's okay."  
Light: "Welcome to the family, Mateus. I know it'll be hard getting used to everything, but... there's nothing I wouldn't do for Ryoko."  
Mateus: "Likewise. So, can we call a truce?"  
Light: "Ha... you mean, you want to share?"  
Ryoko: "I don't mind being caught in the middle..." *shrugs*  
Light: "I think I'll have things that I need to get used to."  
Lynn: "Yay, a big happy ending!"  
Ryoko: "The series is far from over, Lynn. There's still the whole Delita-politics-arc that no one knows about yet."  
Lynn: "Then why did you mention it just now."  
Aria: "I really didn't think it was going to end this way..."  
Firion: "I'm just glad that I don't have to do that play for the dress now that the wedding isn't happening."  
Mateus: "The wedding is still on, Firionel, do not think otherwise. I just need to make an extra tuxedo."  
Light: "So, you're gonna take my place at the wedding?!"  
Mateus: "Hardly. Pulling Ryoko from you is going to be a challenge. How about... we marry as a group of three? I will swear vows to you just as she does, and the same goes for you, Light."  
Light: "We'll order a bigger bed when we get home."  
Aria: "THEY ARE AN OT3! Holy... wow!"  
Firion: "Aww, dammit..."  
Golbez: "That... that was simply beautiful! So much selflessness!" *wipes on gigantic eye on his helmet with a tissue*  
Kuja: *bawling and clapping at the same time* "Oh... not even an opera is more emotional than this!"  
Golbez: *looks at Kuja* "My... my goodness... Kuja, I never realized we were so alike..."

*Golbez and Kuja kiss. It looks REALLY awkward*

Kuja: "Mateus, you must call me when you set up your first orgy~ I've always wanted to try Light before~"  
Mateus: "Actually, I'm swearing off orgies."  
Firion: "YEEEEEES! THANK YOU!"  
Mateus: O_o Aria: "No, really, we're grateful for the decision."  
Mateus: "Anyway, fellas, keep in touch. Golbez, keep the apartment. I'll move out within a few days."  
Golbez: "You don't even have to do that. Leave it. I don't need too much space anyway."

*Everyone from the main group, including Mateus, goes onboard Alis' airship.*

Aria: *hands Alis 100 gil* "All right, you win."  
Alis: "Heh heh!"  
Ryoko: "...wh... what were you betting on?"  
Alis: "I bet Aria 100 gil that you'd admit your love for Mateus was more than just a sexual fantasy."  
Mateus: "I am not a roulette table..."  
Alis: ROFLMAO Aria: "You're gonna be a lot of fun to have around, you know that?"  
Firion: "Says who?"  
Mateus: "I won't bother you anymore, Firionel. Now I don't need to troll you. I'll troll my own future husband and wife... that I will do."  
Light: "...surprising absolutely no one on this entire planet."  
Squall: "Hey, guys. I have a major question for all of you. Like, sit the fuck down and listen to what I have to say."

*everyone sits down in the main room of the airship together*

Ryoko: "So, Squall, why do you look like you're about to give us a briefing for the Battle of Normandy?"  
Squall: "Because of you, that's why. Sure, things ended happily for now. But you have to be concerned for the future. What Sephy said is true, and it's why you've been protected and given an alternate alias for life outside the life of a... royal figure whose name you hate to be called."  
Light: "So, she is the 'pillar'? What does that mean?"  
Alis: "She holds up the weight of the world as we know it. Even moreso since a piece of her power was used to seal the rip between all the worlds. Inside her body is a concentrated amount of mana - magic power which fuels, well, everything in existence. It allows her to learn spells most humans aught not know. She's the only person in Ivalice at this time that understands the concept of blue magic. Anyway, if the pillar is harmed excessively or in emotional turmoil to an extreme degree, the world will reflect it."  
Ryoko: "When the seasons change, my body does, too, in a weird way. I thought it was my connection to the spirits that did it. So, how did you know all of this? I didn't even know about a lot of it."  
Alis: "Your brother."  
Ryoko: "Have you seen him lately?! Do you know where he is?!"  
Squall: "Unfortunately, we have not."  
Ryoko: "Just like last time."  
Squall: "But now, you have a whole family looking out for your well-being. Two men who will do anything for you, three sisters who look up to you... you'll be safe, and that's something I can personally promise to you. But don't expect everything to be fun and games. I'll send a pigeon to the prince to tell him that the Princess Guard has been reborn."  
Mateus: "Princess Guard?"  
Alis: "It used to be made of one solitary member. ME! Now everyone's gonna have to protect Ryoko from evildoers like I have ever since we met. Then I got lost in Squall's world a while, and he joined up with me whenever he was around. I have always done my job to make sure that Ryoko stays in Ivalice as much as possible! People hate me when I do it, including the lady herself, but... I always tell her it's for the good of all that she does what she's supposed to. Gosh, why do you think I mastered Time Magic?! And White magic?! White magic is BORING~ but I needed a way to keep Ryoko healthy."  
Ryoko: *yawns incredibly loudly... on purpose*  
Alis: "That was RUDE!"  
Ryoko: "Whatever..."  
Firion: "She is right, though! Ryoko's safe, and I don't know anyone else that might come looking for her powers. Especially if we keep to ourselves like we always do. The only reason Sephy struck back is because he knew. Since Light and Mateus aren't the type to betray-" *cuts them a death glare like they're DARING either Light or Mateus to even think of betraying them* "-their beloved Ryoko, I'm sure the secret is safe with us."  
Ryoko: "I wonder what'll happen when... I die."  
Mateus: "What in the world could you be thinking to speak like that?" *ruffles her hair*  
Ryoko: "Doesn't every human eventually die? I'm human, too."  
Light: "Perhaps the pillar will fill another body."  
Aria: "Another royal family member, if I had to guess."  
Squall: "Why do you think they were royal to begin with? This man that sits on the throne now, Delita Hyral? He does not carry the birthright of the country - the powers of the pillar - like the royal family did. His reign will not be long."  
Ryoko: "Yeah, and I don't even know if Delita is aware of the pillar's existence..."  
Squall: "I hope he isn't..."  
Lynn: "It doesn't matter! Remember, goodness and love will always win!"  
Aria: "That's the spirit!" 


	33. Angel Wings are for Losers

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 6

Disclaimer as provided by crack ninja #1: Shiiiiiiiiit. The FUCK is ya'll's problem? Why you keep asking?!

~Fic Start!~

*At home in Igros, it takes some getting used to having yet another person living in the apartment. Ryoko and Light are redesigning their room to accomodate Mateus, who seems a little surprised by the fact that they were both serious to what they talked about before...*

Ryoko: "We only have four rooms, and I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch... Guess I'll have to pull out the extra."  
Mateus: "Extra?"  
Ryoko: "Yep. Right now, I don't have the room to set it up, that's why we're moving most of it into the closet."  
Light: "Please be aware that I am only doing this for Ryoko..." *gives him an evil glare* "So much for personal space."  
Ryoko: "Don't say that, Light. If we're gonna make this work, we have to be tolerant and loving. Am I right, Mateus?"  
Mateus: "I can't see any other way it would work."

*when a large part of the room is cleared off, Ryoko points at a section of the wall right next to the bed*

Ryoko: "Drop!"

*an extra third of the bed falls out of the wall, sets itself up without any help, and the wall closes right back up*

Mateus: "That's the command word? I'm glad you used it before I got to lie in it. I'd hate to imagine being in a steamy scene, giving the order, and the bed coming down to whack me on the head..."  
Ryoko: *blushes profusely*

Light: "I think it would be fitting."  
Ryoko: "Light... seriously, drop the act, would you?"  
Light: "I suppose you want some private time now?" *starts to trudge off very frustrated*  
Mateus: *grabs his cape* "No, no, Sir Knight. Stay."  
Ryoko: "Yes, dear, you should stay."  
Light: "For what? Haven't you both wanted this for a while? What use do I serve in your escapade?"  
Ryoko: *puts her hands around his face gently* "Because, even with this big change, I still love you." *then reaches up to kiss him* "So whatever escapades we have, you're a part of. It would be really unfair of us to have all the fun."  
Mateus: "Indeed. If this is an OT3 like we want it to be, everyone is in this... shall I say, together?" *scoots close on Light's other side and kisses his cheek* Light: "I..."  
Mateus: "If you're afraid, you shouldn't worry. I don't think you're ready for the rough stuff... yet."  
Light: *tries to leave* "I want out. Have all the fun you want."  
Ryoko: "You can't leave. Or the master here will get angry, and... he'll take it all out on me."  
Light: "What? You want to bring an abusive monster into our bed?!"  
Ryoko: "Shit, give me a break, Light. Mateus isn't abusive. Dominant, but not abusive. It's called roleplay? Mateus doesn't know how to be anything BUT the master, so... you kinda have to let him be."  
Mateus: "I -heard- that."  
Ryoko: "Don't be that way, my lord. I did not mean it offensively."  
Mateus: "Hmmm. I'll forgive you, as you are the sweetest little slave I could ask for."  
Light: "...Ryoko, this is nuts."  
Ryoko: "There's only one way to getting out of this. Play along."  
Mateus: "The knight is not fit for me. I grow tired of this."  
Ryoko: *falls to her knees before Mateus* "Do not take your wrath out on him, dear master. He has no idea where he is right now. I will satisfy you for the time being until our knight has come to terms with it."  
Mateus: "That is acceptable." *opens his robes*  
Light: O_O;;

*IN THE HALLWAY*

Alis: "I figured as soon as they got back they'd get to it..."  
Aria: "this is the second time this week I've listened into Ryoko's room this week."  
Alis: "You make it sound like it's not a normal thing to do."  
Aria: "...what?"  
Alis: "Well, when fearing for her safety as much as I have, even her boyfriends weren't to be trusted."  
Aria: "That sounds reasonable, but it still seems wrong to me."  
Alis: "...you hear THAT? I think Light's trying to get away."  
Aria: "They really should let him go. Light's too old fashioned for a threesome. Let Mateus do her kinky side, and Light handle her gentle cuddly needs, and that be that."  
Alis: "Or Ryoko wants Light to come out of his shell."  
Aria: "You really think that?"  
Alis: "Yes. After being with that prince who didn't understand sexual advances... while their love was true, it didn't work out because he didn't open up to her."  
Aria: "And she couldn't stay in that world either."  
Alis: "That, too. But I would have let her stay there... they did really well together, don't get me wrong. It's just that he left her wanting more anyway."  
Aria: "...you're saying that the very person -the pillar- that holds up our entire existence... needs to have someone who will take charge over her."  
Alis: "To put it bluntly... that's exactly what I mean."  
Lynn: "Hiya, ladies, whatcha doin' here in the hallway?"  
Alis: "Something incredibly wrong. You might not want to be here for it."

*they all hear Ryoko gasping for air - it's that loud*

Alis: "Heh heh."  
Lynn: "...why would you... gahh, I'm telling Firion."  
Aria: *gets up* "I shouldn't be here doing this anyway. Time to make supper~" *walks away with Lynn*  
Alis: "As fun as it is for you, Ryoko, I don't think this one will last forever, either. I'm so sad to have to think that, as wonderful as you are, you'll never have any relationship that will stay with you for eternity. I'm sorry. It may just be your destiny to be alone."

*A FEW HOURS LATER*

*Firion is playing Spades with Alis, Squall, Lynn, and Aria. They're at the kitchen table. Light approaches wearing his pijamas, looking down at the floor. He looks like he was hit by a tropical storm*

Firion: "Dad, you all right?"  
Light: "I didn't think such things were even possible." *blinks a few times* "I don't think I'm ready to be married to both another man and my beloved."  
Squall: "It's not like you and Ryoko didn't have hours of lovemaking yourselves before Mateus was thrown into the mix."  
Light: "I would not call that lovemaking."  
Alis: "It was. Mateus probably doesn't know how to be anything but dominant, I mean, he was an Emperor for how long? He sat on high above everyone. He's probably not sure how else to go about showing affection."  
Light: "If that was affection, I don't want to see what it's like for him to actually dislike someone."  
Squall: "He was rough, then?"  
Light: *nods*  
Firion: "Does that mean you let him... y'know?! Take you?!"  
Light: "No. He respected how I feel about that, at least."  
Lynn: "Where's Ryoko?"  
Light: "Cuddled up sleeping."  
Alis: "And Mateus?"  
Light: "Next to her." *yawns* "I don't care what she says, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight."  
Lynn: "So much has changed since we first started living here."  
Aria: "Yep."  
Lynn: "I don't understand how it got so complicated."  
Aria: "I don't either."  
Squall: "So, Light, wanna join our game?"  
Light: "No, I'm gonna sleep." *walks over to the couch, plops on it, grabs the blanket on the end of it, and ignores the rest of the world*  
Alis: "To think, all he has to do is just admit he can't handle it and he wouldn't have to."  
Firion: "I think he's hoping that Ryoko will tire of it eventually."  
Aria: "You think that'll happen?"  
Firion: "I'm hoping it will."

*THE NEXT MORNING~*

*Ryoko wakes up to find herself sore in every place except her ears. She's sprawled out all over the bed, alone, naked. She yawns loudly. The sun is high in the sky.*

Ryoko: "Must have slept til noon."  
Light: *walks in* "It's not a busy day, dear. You didn't miss anything."  
Ryoko: "Really?"  
Light: "Except Mateus screwing up Aria's pancakes. The man can't cook, either."  
Ryoko: "Cooking!" *instantly gets up, pulls on a dress, and walks out of the room, down the hallway and into the kitchen - ignoring everyone in the process*  
Light: "My love, what did I say?" *chases after her*  
Mateus: "...and this, my friends, is where I go in..." *gets up and slips into the kitchen behind Light*  
Firion: "He is such a douche."  
Aria: "Let it go."

*in the kitchen*

Light: "You look simply possessed. What on Earth is wrong with you?"  
Ryoko: "Cooking."  
Light: "You said that earlier."  
Ryoko: "This month... this month and cooking... it's the beginning of November and one of the most important holidays of the year is this month."  
Light: "Holiday?"  
Ryoko: "Thanksgiving!"  
Mateus: "What kind of holiday is that?"  
Light: "...you're kidding."  
Mateus: "No, I honestly don't know what you're talking about."  
Light: "The name is Thanks Giving. It's a day all about being thankful for what you have. You make food and share with everyone in your family and friends. Apparently, it's a big deal."  
Ryoko: "Of COURSE it's a big deal! My father died the night of Thanksgiving years ago. If it's not done right then I could face the same punishment!"  
Mateus: *walks up to Ryoko and holds her* "Now, little samurai, What can we do to make the process easier on you?"  
Ryoko: "Go find a turkish gobbler. Mateus, you buy potatoes. Lots of them, because there's lots of us."  
Mateus: *nods, then kisses her forehead gently* "Will do." *floats out of the kitchen*  
Light: "A turkish gobbler? I've never heard of that creature."  
Ryoko: "Because it's a rare species of chocobo. It's really short, kinda fat, has feathers... anyway, I need one to cook it."  
Light: *nods, then hugs her incredibly tight* "I would not forgive myself if I failed you." *walks out of the kitchen*

*20 Minutes later*

Mateus: "Do you have an 8?"  
Light: "Go fish."  
Mateus: "...drat."  
Ryoko: *walks out of the kitchen* "Um... weren't you going?"  
Mateus: "We will. Don't worry."

*Light and Mateus play Risk, Monopoly, Civilization the Board game (twice), Crack the Case, Quelf, King's Blood, Top Shop, Fortune Street, then beat each other up in Street Fighter II. Then they find a mod of Cooking Mama and play it two-players instead of the way it's supposed to be played.*

Aria: "Well, you guys have been at this gaming marathon for a while."  
Light: *has a short beard now* "Yep!"  
Mateus: "How long has it been since we started?"  
Firion: "About... a week."  
Light: "How far away is Thanksgiving?"  
Firion: "About two weeks."  
Mateus: "We got time, let's go play MINECRAFT."  
Light: "We should totally build houses in minecraft!"  
Mateus: "And make pixel art out of the blocks, too!"  
Light: "That sounds like FUN!"  
Aria: "Alis and Squall all ready left, Lynn went back to Zeltienna to keep rebuilding, and... you're just... playing games."  
Mateus: "I can't hear you over all this MINECRAFT."  
Aria: "Ryoko's not come out of her room the last two days."  
Mateus: "We're bonding~"  
Firion: "She's not responding to anything."  
Light: "That is suspicious..." *starts to get up, but Mateus pulls him back down* "Whoa, Minecraft!"  
Aria: "What happened to your attention span, Light?"  
Light: *shakes head* "I... I haven't the slightest idea... my head hurts like hell..."  
Mateus: "Minecraft makes it not hurt anymore~"  
Light: "Really?"  
Firion: "Come on, Mateus, why are you being such a DOUCHE?!"  
Mateus: "I doubt that anything is wrong with Ryoko. She has hobbies and stuff she does, too, right?"  
Aria: "You should both go and see what's wrong."  
Mateus: "Here, Light, you play."  
Light: "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"  
Mateus: *gets up and floats back to the bedroom* "Little samuraaaai~" *knocks on the door* "It's meeee~" *no one answers, so he opens it himself*

*Ryoko is not there. Instead, there is a note*

Mateus: *reads it aloud* "I've left to make peace with the ghost of my father. Do not try to find me. I will return before the holiday. All my love, Ryoko." *puts it in his pocket* "But... wait, what? This isn't really a time to go adventuring on her own." *floats back to the living room*  
Firion: "Can't you just walk?!"  
Mateus: "Why do that? Anyway, I found a note. Looks like she's going soul searching."  
Light: "Oh great. Now she's gonna get kidnapped or something."  
Mateus: "She was raised in Gariland, right?"  
Aria: "Alis told me she was born in Bervenia, ran away from Lesalia, and raised in Gariland... but her father is buried in Bervenia."  
Mateus: "Then Light and I shall go ourselves. Stay here, she might come back soon."  
Light: "Who got KO'd and made you the leader?"  
Mateus: "Bitch, I'm a fucking EMPEROR."  
Firion: "You mean you were."  
Mateus: "Semantics! Now, we give chase!"  
Aria: "...wait! How are you going to get there?!"  
Mateus: "I have my ways!"  
Firion: "With all that Squall and Alis told us, you'd think they'd do a better job of keeping an eye on her."  
Aria: "No fucking shit, Sherlock."

*IN BERVENIA*

Ryoko: "Been a while since I bothered coming out here."

*it's cold and windy. she's standing in a graveyard where a whole lot of royal people from the past are buried.*

Ryoko: "I apologize for being late. I'm just so... tired lately."

*there is a group of three people behind her suddenly*

Voice 1: "What is a peasant like you doing in this graveyard?"  
Ryoko: "I've come to give my respects."  
Voice 2: "No peasants respect the aristocrats. Why would you even bother?"  
Ryoko: *turns around to find that Delita Hyral is standing right there with two very important looking church people* "The king! I apologize, my liege." *bows before him* "I didn't know you were coming."  
Delita: "It's quite all right. The dead must be mourned." *he's carrying a bunch of flowers wrapped up all pretty with ribbon 'n paper* "Why did the man under this grave deserve your respect so much?"  
Ryoko: *shakes her head* "He was honorable until his last breath."  
Delita: *puts his hand on her head* "May the church bless this one... wait a minute. Do I know you?"  
Ryoko: "I think not, Your Grace. I will be on my way now."  
Delita: "Very well." *lets her go, and after bowing formally, she leaves as quickly as possible.*  
Voice 2: "She... reminded me of the late King... why could that be?"  
Voice 1: "She felt different."  
Delita: "A mouse. She is not important. Must be the daughter of a Heavenly Knight or somesuch nonsense."  
Voice 1: "But, sire, the right to rule Ivalice-"  
Delita: "She couldn't be..."

*Ryoko is running through the marketplace as fast as she can*

Ryoko: "Why'd I do this!? This was incredibly stupid!"  
Guards somewhere behind her: "After the raven-haired girl in the samurai dress! Orders from the King! Catch that girl!"  
Ryoko: "Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck..."

*Ryoko jumps over several barrels of ale, then knocks down a whole bunch more of them to try to block the guards' path*

Ryoko: "I need my boys. Where are they?"  
Voice from above: "Looking for someone?"  
Ryoko: "Mateus! I wrote on the note for you to leave me alone!"  
Mateus: "Yeah, but you know how well that always works out for you." *scoops her up, and uses his angel wings to fly higher* "You can't venture out alone. You know that."  
Ryoko: "I don't want to burden anyone with what's bothering me."  
Mateus: "We're all here to help protect you. Ah, shit, there's a whole pack of guards coming with arrows... where's Light gone to?"  
Ryoko: "He came with you?"  
Mateus: "Naturally."  
Ryoko: "He's gonna get himself killed."  
Mateus: "That's exactly what we thought about you, little samurai. I'm going to have to put you in a little guilded cage at this rate. Not that I'd find anything wrong with that, but it's not exactly humane."  
Ryoko: "Nevermind that..."  
Voice up higher: "What in the hell are you doing flying like that?! Get in here before I kick both your asses! There's a fucking herd of soldiers gathering down there!"  
Ryoko: "Light?! Why are you talking like that?!"  
Light: *is on an airship* "I've been talking with Alis while on her ship..."  
Mateus: "It looks like we both were correct."  
Light: "Come on up here."  
Mateus: *flies up higher and lands on the outer deck of Alis' airship*  
Alis: "RY-O-KO!"  
Ryoko: "Oh shit."  
Alis: "What did we tell you?! You're going to be sought after, remember?! And this time, no one trapped you, you made yourself known!"  
Ryoko: "I wanted to make peace."  
Alis: "and in turn, you're starting another war!"  
Ryoko: "What are you going to do, lock me away?"  
Alis: "It's for your own good, y'know. And the good of the world!"  
Ryoko: "I don't want this power. Maybe I can make a deal with someone to be rid of it. I bet King Delita would pay through the nose for the power."  
Alis: "You can't be serious!"  
Ryoko: "I am."  
Alis: "You can't just give up the power. It will leave your body when you die and find another host."  
Ryoko: "Tch."  
Mateus: "Little Samurai, you shouldn't be so hasty. Alis, your powers to travel the worlds are vast, are they not?"  
Alis: "...yes, but-"  
Mateus: "I know she's not supposed to leave Ivalice. But what if you warp it so she lives on a different dimensional plane than the rest of Ivalice? We could go there with her. She would be safe there."  
Alis: "I'll ask the man in charge about that."  
Ryoko: "What?!"  
Alis: "In the meantime, we're on our way to Yardow."  
Ryoko: "Out to the middle of Butt-Fucking nowhere? Why?!"  
Alis: "Because that happens to be where the man in charge IS."  
Ryoko: "The hell is he doing in Yardow?"  
Alis: "Ask him yourself. I was on my way to pick you up anyway, so I gathered everyone else, too."  
Aria: *sticks her head out the door* "So we're gonna meet your brother, finally. To be honest, he kinda scares me."  
Light: "He's an enigma, for sure."  
Mateus: "I fear nothing."  
Firion: "You don't know this family well enough yet." 


	34. The Spilling of Beans

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 6

Disclaimer as provided by Ninja #4: Snarf, snarf, Snarf. Snarf! Snarf? SNARF.

~Fic Start!~

*The group is on Alis' airship, heading for Yardow at top speed. Ryoko's pulled Mateus aside to talk to him directly without any wandering ears overhearing anything. Light followed them anyway.*

Ryoko: "Great. I haven't seen my brother in years, and she tells me she knows where he is..."  
Mateus: "Shouldn't you be happy to see him? You speak so highly of him all the time."  
Ryoko: "He knows more about this whole situation than I do, and it's frustrating."  
Mateus: "He is older than you, isn't he?"  
Ryoko: "He is."  
Mateus: "He must have been the one to know that you were going to have your power, and that's why he ran off with you. Saying it was just over a petty inheritance plot is just a cover up excuse."  
Ryoko: "Ovelia died for that inheritance plot!"  
Mateus: "He wants to protect you. He is your brother, after all."  
Ryoko: *mutters words in a language Mateus doesn't understand*  
Light: ?!  
Mateus: "What was that?"  
Ryoko: "I'm sorry... I think I had the hiccups for a few seconds."  
Mateus: "You... you just spoke in another language."  
Ryoko: "It's nothing."  
Mateus: "You cannot hide things from me. Are we not committed to each other?"  
Ryoko: "Very well... but... I don't want you to say anything to anyone else."  
Mateus: "You have my word."  
Ryoko: "The pillar powers. They aren't... natural. Ivalice... is not a natural world. It exists in a different way from the other thirteen sectors in Bahamut's realm. The only time I didn't dream about it was when I was linked to you. Everyone's amazed that I know all of this stuff about how the world was created, but it's not that amazing when I see these things every night."  
Mateus: "There is a reason why you are so safely guarded, then."  
Ryoko: "Yes. Delita would not kill me if he knows the full truth. However, I would stand in the way of his reign as king, because the rules of this world state that only the one with the powers of the pillar should sit on the throne of Ivalice."  
Mateus: "I suppose you've never told another soul about this."  
Ryoko: "I have not. And for good reason."  
Mateus: "Why are you telling me?"  
Ryoko: "I... don't know." *grasps around Mateus* "I'm... I'm scared."  
Mateus: "My little samurai..." *hugs her in return* "You have to tell Light, too. You confessed to me what you know, you must confess to him, too. If you do not, then I will tell him. He deserves to know, he loves you as much as I do. If not more."  
Ryoko: "I'm afraid to tell him."  
Mateus: "Why would you be?"  
Ryoko: "He'll... you know what he is. He's a warrior of light. That's his title. When he finds out how unnatural these powers are... his blade will come for me!"  
Mateus: "No! Never! I don't care if you become something otherworldly, Light would never, ever... EVER strike you down. Even at the cost of his life. So, you confided in me because you know about my-?"  
Ryoko: "You have darkness in you. I can feel it."  
Mateus: "You were pulled toward me because of it."  
Ryoko: "Yes..."  
Mateus: "I understand." *nods gently* "That's why you need us both. Thank you for telling me this."  
Ryoko: "Mateus...?"  
Mateus: "Yes?"  
Ryoko: "I love you."  
Mateus: "Hmm, the feeling is mutual."  
Ryoko: "And I also love Light."  
Mateus: "And I know for a fact that he loves you. More than anything in the whole world."  
Light: *slips away unnoticed*

*Ryoko and Mateus walk back to the cockpit together, where the rest of the crew is playing cards*

Alis: "So did you have another go at it?"  
Ryoko: *gives her an evil glare*  
Alis: "Whoa, whoa, I didn't mean to piss you off..."  
Light: "You sure do spend a lot of time together lately."  
Firion: "Dad, you and Mateus spent a week of doing nothing but gaming."  
Aria: "Yeah. And it almost got Ryoko in trouble! Sheesh, if you're supposed to be body guards, that was pretty shitty."  
Ryoko: "It's nothing to be worried about. I just... need to talk to my brother. Beat his ass for being gone for so long. I joined Lord Ramza's army just to track him down, but he never stayed put!"  
Squall: "Your brother means nothing but the best for you and you know that."  
Ryoko: "I know that."  
Squall: "Then you should not give him any more worries of yours. I would be more fearful of other things."  
Ryoko: "You don't have to tell me!"  
Mateus: "Easy. Don't let it go out of control. Or it will take over."  
Ryoko: *scoots back and sits next to Mateus, looking at the floorboard*  
Mateus: "I think it's time for me to tell them what you told me."  
Ryoko: "No."  
Aria: "What's wrong, Ryoko? you look like you're in pain."  
Alis: "Pain? Where is it? I'll heal it right up!"  
Ryoko: "As if you understood. I am not wounded."  
Mateus: "I do. So, just relax, I'll tell them everything. Everyone here is family, right?"  
Ryoko: "Yes. Go ahead."

*Mateus spills the beans. Everyone understands what's going on now after conversation happens. And then Lynn goes to fetch a broom to clean up the damn beans Mateus spilled all over the damn place.*

Alis: "Well... that explains a lot."  
Squall: *nods in agreement*  
Light: "How could you even think that I would..."  
Ryoko: "I've seen the end of the world, Light. It ends with your sword straight through my heart."  
Light: "No... I could never hold a weapon in your direction."  
Ryoko: "But as long as it's you. I guess I could accept that."  
Light: "...you are a fool, my love, for giving such dark thoughts room in your mind." *kneels before her* "If I must forsake my title to protect you, then by the Gods as my witnesses, I will do just that."  
Mateus: "You were created to battle darkness. Why do you think you cannot stand to be around me? I am a being of darkness myself."  
Ryoko: "I crave that warm comfort you give me, Light. You make me feel safe. Mateus helps me feel like... it can be kept under control."  
Mateus: *devilish smile* "Control... I like the sound of that."  
Aria: "I don't think it's THAT kind of control."  
Alis: "Still. We're landing in a few. Now arriving in Yardow~"

*they all get off the ship. Ryoko starts twitching*

Ryoko: "I forgot about Yardow. It's right next to the Yugewood."  
Alis: "The haunted forest!"  
Ryoko: "Yes."  
Mateus: "Light, stand on her right. I will be at her left."  
Light: "understood."  
Ryoko: "It's worse than usual in here."  
Voice: "Go no further! The spirits here will rip your soul apart!"  
Ryoko: "It's you! Dimitri!"

*a figure falls out of a tree, dressed as a Dark Knight*

Ryoko: "Where have you been?"  
Dimitri: "I have been here. Contemplating everything. I am sure over the years you have figured out more than I did before you were born."  
Ryoko: "You've been missing! Of course I've figured out more than you could have! The hell!? I went after you after you left Gariland and I haven't seen you since! Lord Ramza is gone, Delita is king, and he's figured me out on top of that."  
Squall: "You wanted to see her, right? Here she is."  
Dimitri: "Yes. I need to tell you one thing before I go back to the Yugewood where I belong."  
Ryoko: "You belong at my side!"  
Dimitri: "No. The men I killed to get that power to finally transfer to you...? I must live here, surrouned by their souls, for all eternity."  
Ryoko: "I... I wasn't born this way?!"  
Dimitri: "The power needed to be in you. The church... needed someone to take the spirit of Saint Ajora again..."  
Aria: "that makes no sense. WE defeated Altima! Lynn, Ryoko, and I... we were there with Lord Ramza! We saw what happened to Alma!"  
Dimitri: "You fool, do you think there was only ONE? The land of Ivalice was supposed to be ruled by a holy being, not by lowly mortals. Of course people were going to try to kill them one way or another."  
Lynn: "You're talking in circles."  
Dimitri: "How do you think Saint Ajora became a holy being? Ajora was the first to hold the powers, but the powers came from somewhere else. Think, Ryoko! Think deeply."  
Ryoko: "Saint Ajora... was considered a child of God..."  
Dimitri: "And that power is the one that passes along. Every time a chosen child is defeated, God 'blesses' another baby to hold that power. It isn't a holy power that you hold. It's from the bowels of hell."  
Ryoko: "My question is, do I have to die to get rid of it?"  
Dimitri: "...no."  
Alis: "Tell us what to do, and we'll do it!"  
Dimitri: "You say that, even without knowing what it will be?"  
Alis: "Damn straight I do."  
Dimitri: *turns away* "Ryoko will die."  
Alis: "She will not!"  
Dimitri: "Take her to see King Delita. Preform a switching ritual!"

*suddenly there's a bright flash of light*

*Ryoko shoots up from her bed, shaking and in a cold sweat."

Mateus: "Little samurai, are you all right?"  
Light: "You're shivering..."  
Ryoko: "I had a dream... that Delita found me because I went back to Bervenia to visit my father's grave. Where... we had to go to Yardow to visit my brother and..."  
Light: "Calm down. It's all right."  
Mateus: "I wonder if it would be wise to keep you in bed for a bit."  
Ryoko: "For what?"  
Light: "Your protection, of course. You're also feverish."  
Ryoko: "Oh dear GOD what's going on?! I'm confused."  
Mateus: "We had a very long session together, and you fell asleep after. You haven't gone anywhere. You hadn't even napped twenty minutes."  
Ryoko: *falls back onto her pillows* "I feel terrible."  
Mateus: "No worries. I'll go make you some pancakes~" *skips off*  
Light: "...your dream was horrifying?"  
Ryoko: "Yes."  
Light: "Mateus heard you crying."  
Ryoko: "How is everyone else?"  
Light: "They're worried for you, of course. Otherwise, they are fine."  
Ryoko: "I don't ever want to go to Yardow."  
Light: "I'll make sure it's never on the itinerary."  
Mateus: *skips in, holding a steaming plate of black, burnt-ass pancakes* "Here, eat up! I made them myself."  
Light: "Um, no, how about I make her some soup."  
Mateus: "That might be better for her, since she's not feeling so well and all."  
Ryoko: "Thank you anyway..."  
Mateus: "All for my adorable little samurai~"  
Aria: "Mateus, the fuck did you do to my griddle?!"  
Mateus: "Keep it down! there's a feverish little samurai in here who needs her rest."  
Ryoko: ^^;  
Light: "I'm gonna go make that soup for you now."

Aria: *grabs Mateus and drags him back to the kitchen* "MY GRIDDLE IS BROKEN. Every pancake is burnt! EVERY."  
Mateus: "I turned up the heat all the way up so it would cook faster and..."  
Aria: "WHERE'S THE KNOB, MATEUS?!"  
Mateus: *points at the nearby pile of random whatever the hell is over there in the corner* "I didn't know what it was for, so-"  
Aria: "STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN."  
Mateus: "I didn't mean to break it. I'm sorry."  
Firion: "Do as she says, you ninny."  
Mateus: *sadface* "all right..." *wanders sadly back to Ryoko's bedroom and sits on his part of the bed next to her* "I feel unloved."  
Ryoko: "You shouldn't."  
Mateus: "You're the only person in the world that can stand me."  
Ryoko: "There's... a lot of reasons for that."  
Mateus: "Is that so? Do tell." 


	35. Omake!: The Movie teaser trailer

"Omake!" Season 4 ending arc trailer

Disclaimer as presented by Mateus: "We don't own any of this nonsense."

~Fic Start!~

*Ryoko is still down with a fever. Light and Mateus are both at her side, tending to her.*

Ryoko: "You don't have to stay here with me."  
Light: "In sickness and in health, right?"  
Ryoko: "We've yet to exchange vows."  
Light: "Aria has prevented anyone from going into the kitchen, she's still pretty mad at Mateus for breaking the griddle. Otherwise I would make you soup."  
Mateus: "I didn't mean to break it! You think a man who sits on a throne-"  
Firion: *walks in* "You mean 'plots at war'."  
Mateus: "and defends his country-"  
Firion: "You mean 'invades peace-loving villages and destroys them with fire'."  
Mateus: "and takes care of his subjects-"  
Firion: "You mean 'demand they all join the Imperial Army or starve to death'."  
Mateus: "and provide assistance to nearby countries-"  
Firion: "You mean 'deliberately poision the water supply so their livestock dies upon touching it'."  
Light: "What are you, a political ad?!"  
Firion: "Vote against Mateus, he's a deplorable emperor. He hates everyone and everything alive on the planet and dead in the afterlife. He also wants every bit of your gil, too."  
Light: "Wait, you didn't say who you were supporting."  
Firion: "No, you'll see on the ballot who else is there. I just know that I don't want anyone to vote for Mateus."  
Mateus: "I wasn't elected. I was BORN to rule."  
Firion: "Yeah, because you can't even use your underworld powers correctly."  
Mateus: "Would you like to test that theory, Nobara?" *evil glare*  
Light: "Firion, what did you come in here for, anyway?"  
Firion: "To tell you that Aria will let YOU come in the kitchen. I told her that Ryoko's not feeling well, and you wanted to cook for her, and you know, Aria's romantic side kicked in and said it was all right. As long as Mateus doesn't come into eye contact with her, she'll be fine."  
Light: "Excellent." *kisses Ryoko's forehead* "Just a little bug passing through. You'll be better soon."  
Ryoko: "Thank you so much."  
Light: "Eh, it's what I'm here for." *gets up and walks out with Firion*  
Mateus: "I'd cook for you... if I knew how."  
Ryoko: "I think... now that your life is so much more peaceful, you could find a new purpose. A new thing you love to do."  
Mateus: "I like..." *sits down next to her and puts his hands on his lap* "...control."  
Ryoko: *sigh* "What use is that in our daily lives?"  
Mateus: "Well, I could show you, but you're under the weather today. Not like I haven't before."  
Ryoko: "You might want to go soul searching sometime. You aren't royalty anymore."  
Mateus: "I am so."  
Ryoko: "No. You might be of royal blood, but you don't live the life of royalty anymore." *looks up to him and smiles* "You're still my Emperor, but that's because I want you to be. I love you dearly. Just like... Light sees me as a princess he must serve. He's always been the one to take care of someone. That's just how he is. You want power, so I let you have it."  
Mateus: "Is there nothing that you want?"  
Ryoko: "What do you mean?"  
Mateus: "You never seem to... do much of anything for yourself."  
Ryoko: "I used to be a lot more selfish, and I still am selfish in one thing."  
Mateus: "And what is that?"  
Ryoko: "wanting to keep you both for myself. It isn't fair to either of you."  
Mateus: "Hmm. I never thought of it that way. You have your king, and your servant."  
Ryoko: "Light is not a servant."  
Mateus: "I am your King Arthur, and he is your Sir Lancelot."  
Ryoko: "...I wasn't aware you saw him like that."  
Mateus: "Of course. All beings are beneath me. Except you. You I like."  
Ryoko: "I wonder why you feel that way. What made you believe that you were... meant to rule the world."

*in the kitchen*

Light: "Gonna make a stew~ Lalala~"  
Aria: "You don't mush tomatoes with a mallet..."  
Light: "You don't?"  
Aria: "Am I the only person in this goddamn house with any common sense?!"  
Firion: "Dad, admit it, you've never cooked a day in your life."  
Light: "Tis a lie! I have so!"  
Firion: "Microwaving week old chinese leftovers doesn't count."  
Light: "I have cooked before."  
Firion: "Oh yeah?"  
Light: "I set a wolf on fire once."  
Aria: "Did you eat it?"  
Light: "I think it was Cloud."  
Aria: -_-  
Firion: "It doesn't count."  
Light: "...drat. Well, isn't a kitchen knife just like a short sword? Don't you stab meat with it or something?"  
Aria: "Get out of my kitchen before you destroy something, too."  
Light: "But I wanna do something nice for my beloved wife-to-be."  
Aria: "Buy her some flowers or chocolates or something." *glares at Firion*  
Firion: "Hey, baby, I grow flowers naturally. I shit rose petals."  
Aria: "..."  
Firion: "My chest hair is a fucking rosevine."  
Aria: "Since when did you have chest hair?"  
Firion: "what I'm telling you is that I don't need to buy you flowers, I am your very personal rose bush."  
Aria: "Who's being a douche right now? You talk about Mateus, but you don't hear him bragging all the time..."  
Firion: "ACTUALLY, now that you mention it."  
Light: "I wanna make soup for Ryoko, Aria."  
Aria: "I'll do it."  
Light: "But I wanna dooo it."  
Aria: "...why don't you use a cookbook? I have a whole collection of them."  
Light: "Hmm! Okay!" 


	36. When Pigs Fly

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 7.

Disclaimer, as provided by Ryoko: "We don't own none of this but our characters and what happens in the story. The characters and location names from Final Fantasy belongs to Square Enix. I'm still not sure who owns cheesecake, but we certainly didn't invent that."

~FIC START!~

*Mateus is standing on top of a non-descript building that looks to be hundreds of stories tall somehow.*

Mateus: "Once again it is that time. I must have absolute privacy..." *he looks around to make sure no one else is coming up the building, flying towards it, or near the door that leads to the stairs, then waves his staff and a fluffy diary with butterflies appears on it* Diary (very computerized voice): "Say your password."  
Mateus: "Flamboyant Flamingos Flanderizing for Fluent Francs Farming forgien Fruits!"  
Diary (very computerized voice): "Password accepted." *the diary flops open and pages start flipping magically*  
Mateus: *sits down in front of it and pulls out a pen decorated in plucked chocobo feathers from his armor skirt pocket* "If I am truly going to win my little samurai's heart, I must think of all of this cautiously." *the pen is writing all of this for him by itself while he's thinking aloud* "Truthfully, she still does care for the knight in shining armor, though their relationship has suffered since I decided to share their bed. Light tolerates me for Ryoko's sake, and she clings to the ways of old princesses having love affairs with knights who should be serving their kings... I have decided that I will not extort or steal the funds I need to build an empire worthy of her love. I will work at it, at whatever job I can get my hands on. She would not accept me as her true husband if I did not build it of my own efforts..." *sighs loudly* "She deserves a land of people who adore her and who would do anything for her, and I vow to build it. And pay back a debt I've been running up for some time. Apparently carpet and my boots do not mix very well."

*an airship is flying in the distance*

Mateus: "What? Spies? I think not!" *shoots a blast at the airship and it hits dead on* "My secrets will not escape this place, foul traitors!"

*the ship crashes*

Mateus: "There. Everyone's still all right. They just know now not to fly anywhere near me when I'm updating my diary."

*then the ship explodes*

Mateus: "...whoops. Spoke to soon." *looks at the diary* "You didn't write that in there, did you, pen?! GAHHH. I should stick to writing my own entries, this has gone far enough..."

MEANWHILE!

Ryoko: "Light, dear, help me fold these sheets."  
Light: "On my way."

*they're folding sheets in the living room*

Ryoko: "Thanks. Whew, we've been needing to clean all the bedding for ages."  
Light: "Tell me about it. Sometimes I feel like we sleep on a waterbed with all the ick you guys leave in the bed."  
Ryoko: "What do you mean 'you guys'?!"  
Light: "You and Mateus! For Cosmos' sake, you guys are worse than a pair of jackrabbits in heat! Every night!"  
Ryoko: "It's not my fault he's so... possessive."  
Light: "You let him do it. You feed his ego. I bet if you stood up to him, he wouldn't like you anymore."  
Ryoko: "It's not like that, Light."  
Light: "I... don't want to sound like I'm trying to change you or make your decisions for you, my love, but this is getting old very fast. I thought if I waited it out, that you'd eventually let it go and then he'd be out of our lives forever."  
Ryoko: "Light..."  
Light: "Forgive me, I shouldn't have-"  
Ryoko: "No, no, you're absolutely right."

*they finish folding the sheets*

Ryoko: "I'm... I'm gonna go take a walk. I need some time to think by myself."  
Light: "You shouldn't go alone! Alis will have my head if something happens to you!"  
Ryoko: "I won't leave the apartment building. How is that? I don't even have my slippers on."  
Light: "All right."  
Ryoko: *walks out of the front door, closing it softly behind her*  
Light: *picks up the folded sheets and starts walking towards the hallway* "I... maybe I shouldn't have said anything..."

*suddenly Firion jumps out of the hallway and scares the hell out of Light, making him drop the sheets into a big mess*

Light: "Confound it all, Firion!"  
Firion: "Heh, sorry, Dad."  
Light: "...gahhh, help me fold the sheets back up."  
Firion: "Oh all right." *looks around* "Hey, where's Mom?"  
Light: "She said she needed to think for a bit."  
Firion: "But what about that whole pillar thing? Oh, Alis is going to kill us."  
Light: "No. She said she wasn't going to leave the building. She wasn't even wearing shoes."  
Firion: "Ahhhh."  
Light: "What's Aria up to?"  
Firion: "She's been working on plans for a new project today. Says she's gonna need to buy a new place to start it up, but you know, I think it'll work way better than the whole sex toy thing."  
Light: "I hope so."  
Firion: "Hey, Light?"  
Light: "What?"  
Firion: "I... it's nothing. Forget it."

AND OUT IN THE HALLWAY!

Ryoko: "Perhaps I should be honest with both of them... I want to have them both, but it's not right of me... Light is the most dedicated person, putting up with this for as long as he has." *sigh* "I'll just have to..." *she looks out the window*

*Outside, there's a lot of chocobos carrying lots of boxes, furniture, and treasure chests. Some are latched onto carts. There's a whole mass of people talking extremely loudly*

Ryoko: "What in blazes is going on?"  
Random voice from below 1: "Stop! Stop it! There's a lady up in that window!"  
Ryoko: "...huh?"  
Random voice from below 2: "You can't destroy the building!"  
Ryoko: "The hell?"  
Random voice from below 3: "Jump, milady, we will catch you!"  
Ryoko: *sticks her head out* "I will do no such fool thing as to jump from a building like an idiot."  
Random voice from below 1: "It is foolery to stay. The building is going to be destroyed!"  
Ryoko: "What?!"  
Random voice from below 3: "You didn't get the note?"  
Ryoko: *turns around to see there's a note hanging on the door leading into the apartment* "Oh snap."

*the door at the end of the hall opens and a man walks in*

Man: "Come on, you can't stay here. This building is condemned."  
Ryoko: "what's wrong with the building? How is it condemned?"  
Man: "doesn't matter. Come on."  
Ryoko: "I'm not going with you." *busts out her katana* "Hands off!"  
Man: "A stubborn one, I see." *magical aura appears* "I won't hurt you... Don't Act!"  
Ryoko: "I... I can't move my arms!" *looks at the door* "LIGHT! ARIA! FIRION!"

*there is a loud BA-BOOM sound, and Mateus flies in through the window, shattering it all over the hallway.*

Mateus: "Brigand! You shall not harass milady so!" *incinerates the man with a Flare bigger than he is* "Hm. That makes the two-thousandth kill today. I'm on a roll."  
Ryoko: "Mateus! My arms are bound under Don't Act! I was going to fight him off, but..."  
Mateus: "Princess, what are you doing out here? You realize that your role as heroine will get you in trouble just by being without any guardianship, right?"  
Ryoko: "I wasn't planning on leaving the building."  
Mateus: "Of course not." *looks out the window* "What was that mass outside?"  
Ryoko: "They say that the building is going to be destroyed. The man wanted to take me outside because they were screaming 'stop destroying the building, there's still a lady inside' or something like that."  
Mateus: *dispels the Don't Act spell* "Little samurai, you know very well how much trouble you tend to get into when you walk off. Unfortunately, that's how these worlds work. The moment you become a leading female in anything, danger is everywhere."  
Ryoko: "Listen to me..." *tries to walk towards the door, but there's glass everywhere* "There's something I have to talk with you about, when we get a moment."  
Mateus: *lifts her up into his arms and carries her into the apartment* "Likewise."  
Ryoko: "Grab that note on the door."  
Mateus: *grabs it* "Get the hell out of the apartment building before Sunday. It's been condemned and the government in Ivalice is going to blow it up to make room for a new one."  
Light: "What was that?"

*Light, Firion, and Aria are playing Smash Brothers. The music is INSANELY LOUD.*

Mateus: "Note on the door."  
Aria: "So the building's going to be destroyed?!"  
Mateus: "That's what the note says." *puts Ryoko on her feet* "Wear slippers next time, little samurai. I'd hate to see your feet bloody because of some idiot knocking glass out."  
Ryoko: "Oh. Yeah, and whose fault was that, hmm?"  
Mateus: "Now is not the time to point fingers."  
Ryoko: "Of course not. Everyone, there's a whole crowd of people and chocobos carrying crap out of the building! I think it really is going to be destroyed! They wanted to take me out by force!"  
Light: *turns down the game* "I'm sorry, my love, what were you saying?"  
Ryoko: *has an anime angry popping vein popping out of her head* Mateus: !  
Ryoko: "Light... oh, that's it. Come on, Mateus. I need to talk to you about something. I don't care if we die." *she walks rather sadly over to her room, and when Mateus stands in the hallway wondering whether to go with him, she yanks him inside and slams the door*  
Firion: "Dude, what did you do?"  
Aria: "Simple. She was trying to tell us something important, and Light tuned her out. for the first time since they've been together. It obviously hurt her feelings."  
Firion: "and how the hell do you know that?"  
Aria: "Do you even have to ask that?"  
Firion: "I guess not."  
Light: "I did ask too much of her this morning."  
Aria: "What was it?"  
Light: "I... told her that I was tired of Mateus."  
Aria: "Well, we're ALL tired of him."  
Light: "But, I wonder why she feels she needs him, too."  
Firion: "Dad, can I be honest with you?"  
Light: "What now?"  
Firion: "You're nowhere near the beast in bed that Matty is."  
Light: "You think the attraction could be stemming from such a base desire? Ryoko, lustful?"  
Aria: "Ha. Listen, whether we wear it on our faces or not, we ALL have lustful feelings. No, not feelings. It's a need. A hunger of sorts."  
Light: "I... I can't say I've ever felt that way."  
Firion: "Meanwhile, Mateus DEMANDS his needs be answered."  
Aria: "Yep."  
Light: "I can't fufill all of her needs. No wonder she's pushed me aside."  
Aria: "I wonder why you don't have lustful feelings..."  
Firion: "Probably because he's a constructed person."  
Light: "...I... cannot fulfill...her needs..."  
Aria: "Now, now, Light. I know that Ryoko loves you very much. She must be conflicted, especially you throwing it out there that you don't want Mateus in your relationship any longer."  
Firion: "Best thing to do is leave it alone."  
Aria: "No, no. Go in there and talk to them both."  
Light: "I think I should-"

*there is a loud crunching noise from outside*

Light: "What the fu..."  
Aria: *goes out onto the balcony*

*a bunch of mages are suspending a gigantic hammer in the air with magic*

Aria: "Was that the best way you could think of to destroy an apartment building? Gahh, what am I saying? You cannot destroy this building!"  
Black mage: "Iady, we're here on Delita Hyral's orders. This property belongs to the royal family!"  
Firion: "So? We got a princ-"  
Aria: *Whacks him on the head* "It's a secret, remember?"  
Firion: "We're gonna lose our home if we don't go public with it."  
Aria: "This property actually belongs to Lord Ramza Beoluve, if you'd care to get your facts straight."  
Time mage: "No, his lease on the building ran out a week ago, because it was confirmed that he and his sister, Alma, have died."  
Aria: *blink, blink* "Hey, Firion."  
Firion: "Yes, babe?"  
Aria: "Kill them. I'll figure out what to do."  
Firion: "You really want me to? I thought we were trying to keep a low profile."  
Aria: "We don't have time to discuss this! Kill the lot of them. NOW." *stomps back inside the apartment* "Delita thinks he just owns the place now? HA! When we knew him, he was nothing but a whelp squire having spitfights with that Algus kid." *she walks down the hallway and knocks on the door to Ryoko's room - HARD* "Okay, missy, this is not up for discussion. The Princess needs to make an appearance."  
Ryoko: *opens the door* "What?! No way in HELL am I making a royal appearance."  
Aria: "If you don't go and see Delita, we're gonna lose our home."  
Ryoko: "I don't care."  
Aria: "WHAT."  
Ryoko: "Mateus?"  
Mateus: "What is it, my empress?"  
Ryoko: "It's time we left."  
Mateus: "Fair enough."  
Aria: "What are you talking about? You still owe me for killing off my chocobos, and we're supposed to keep an eye on you because you're the pillar to Ivalice's existence and... what are you DOING?!"  
Mateus: "A decision has been made, Miss Dancer."  
Aria: "You are not kidnapping Ryoko!"  
Mateus: "It's not kidnapping if she goes along with it." *picks up Ryoko and walks to the balcony* "Fare thee well, peons."  
Light: "Ryoko! Here, look, last piece of cheesecake!"  
Ryoko: *looks at it with a blank face* "I don't want it."  
Everyone: !  
Mateus: *sprouts his angelic six wings and flies off*  
Light: "Mateus! I will find you! This is not over!"  
Black mage: "Hey, cut the drama and get out of the building so we can do our job-"  
Firion: *uses his axe and cuts up the black mage into six bloody chunks*  
Aria: "Wonderful work, babe! Now, we must go see Delita. The moment I tell him the missing princess has been accosted by an AWOL dark wizard, I'm sure he'll jump at the bit to help."  
Light: "What makes you so certain?"  
Aria: "There was something that happened when he was a child..."

FLASHBACK: The three girls, Ramza, Algus, and Delita have stopped at a carnival. Delita has been watching a wizard do magic tricks. The wizard made winged pigs fly around Delita, and made him scream like a little girl.

Aria: "He never told anyone, but winged pigs are his biggest fear."  
Light: "HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP US?!"  
Aria: "Because I know where we can get some winged pigs!"  
Firion: "...what? Have you been talking to Lynn again?"

About THREE HOURS LATER, in LESALIA IMPERIAL CITY!

*Delita is on his throne, with his feet propped up on a woman who is being his footstool and surrounded by NPC guards*

Delita: "What came of that hunt for the missing princess?"  
Some guard that talks through his nose: "We have not been able to locate her, sir."  
Delita: "You fuckers are useless."  
Some guard that's so fat he takes up three squares in the FFT battle system: "Uhh, sir, you have a visitor."  
Delita: "Hmm? Oh? See him in then."

*Mateus walks in*

Delita: "My, my. I thought you stopped doing orgies."  
Mateus: "Oh, I have. My heart belongs to only one now."  
Delita: "Then why the fuck are you strolling into my castle like you own the place, you little bitch?"  
Mateus: "Because I do, asshole."  
Delita: "Pah, kill him."

*the two guards charge, but Mateus kills them instantly with his forcefield*

Mateus: "This country and everyone in it are under my rule, Delita. The moment I marry the true heir to this kingdom, the land is mine by right."  
Delita: "You've found her! You've found the missing princess!"  
Mateus: "Indeed."  
Delita: "So you've come to deal, then! I will make you my second in command, with full rights and hereditary titles, and-"  
Mateus: "Delita. You forget. I am the EMPEROR!"  
Delita: "Mateus-"  
Mateus: "You may call me by my title."  
Delita: "Fuck. You. Mateus."  
Mateus: "Hmm. You're stubborn. Very well then. I will introduce you to the missing princess. Forgive her shyness, you see, she will only answer to me. Come, now, my dear, and show yourself to the King."

*Ryoko walks into the room, wearing the wedding dress Mateus made for her*

Delita: "The girl I met in the graveyard."  
Ryoko: *looks to the floor and walks to Mateus' side, taking his arm*  
Mateus: "The rightful heir to Ivalice is mine now. I will take my land now."  
Delita: "What proof do you have that she is the heir?!"  
Mateus: "Princess. Reveal your birthmark."  
Ryoko: "What... will this accomplish?"  
Mateus: "Oh, princess, show the king your birthmark. Prove to him that you are who you are."  
Ryoko: "But you know... what he did to the last princess, right?"  
Mateus: "It matters not, my dear." *yanks her arm and pulls up one of the sleeves to expose her birthmark on her shoulder* "There you go, Delita. She is the princess."  
Delita: "Smooth fucker, aren't you? So she is. I want to keep my spot as king of Ivalice. Can we not work out a deal? Perhaps... I can trade you for the lady's custody?"  
Ryoko: "No! I know what you did to Ovelia!"  
Delita: "That one was a fake to replace the one that died the night of your escape, Princess." *stands up* "Guards came looking for you and they figured you had all ready been dealt with when you went missing. The Lion War is over. I have no interest in any of that."  
Ryoko: "I don't want to rule."  
Mateus: "So she's giving it to me."  
Delita: "...I'll have you both executed!" *draws his sword* "By me!"

*A fighting game screen appears*

Mortal Kombat Announcer: "A magical emperor with powers of both heaven and hell VERSUS some traitor knight king guy."  
Delita: "HEY!"  
Mortal Kombat Announcer: "Hey, I only call 'em like I see 'em."  
Mateus: *spams Flare until Delita's energy bar is empty*  
Mortal Kombat Announcer: "Mateus Wins! Flawless Victory! ...even if a bit cheap."  
Mateus: "Excuse me?"  
Mortal Kombat Announcer: "I don't get paid much these days. I'm sorry I was taking out my anger on you..."

*the fighting game screen fades away*

Delita: *is lying on the floor in pain*  
Mateus: "Hahahaha... you know, this palace could use a few skulls decorating it... let's start with yours!"  
Ryoko: "No! Mateus! Stop!"  
Mateus: "My lady? I... I slipped into my old habits there again. I have no idea what's come over me."  
Ryoko: "We didn't come here to take over Ivalice! We came to plead for the people in our apartment building, so we wouldn't have to find a new home!"  
Delita: "that... that's all you wanted?"  
Ryoko: "Yes! I'll give up my rights to whatever power I'm supposed to have. Just... let those people and my friends keep their homes, please."  
Delita: "You really didn't come to claim your right to the throne?"  
Ryoko: "Puh-leaze. Too much work and not enough rewards to sit in that damn chair."  
Mateus: "Though, I would like to rule, if that counts."  
Delita: "So you used the lady for political gain, then?"  
Mateus: "Oh yeah, look who's talkin' ya backstabber."  
Delita: "I didn't stab her in the back. I stabbed her in her heart."  
Mateus: "Because that makes it all the better, right? You're a fucking monster."  
Delita: "Ever fucking played Final Fantasy II?"  
Ryoko: "Stop trying to decide who's the worse villain all ready."  
Delita: "Listening to a weak woman's heart, are you, Mateus? You've really lost your touch."  
Mateus: "That woman? She is my future empress, mother fucker."  
Delita: "...haha, you left the orgy scene behind because of a woman? You're pathetic. Wait until Seymour hears of that! He won't believe it."  
Mateus: "Fuck you, Delita. Leave the building to the princess and we will leave you alone."  
Delita: "You have my word."  
Ryoko: "Thank you, King Delita."

*suddenly the door of the throne room opens and there are flying pigs EVERYWHERE*

Delita: "WHAT THE CRAZY FUCKITY FUCK OF FUCKERY IS THIS?!"  
Mateus: "Okay now you're just trying too hard."  
Ryoko: "flying pigs? Now I'm confused."

*Aria bursts in, ready to throw down*

Aria: "I got one thing to say to you, Kingy. Unless you help me... huh? Ryoko? Mateus?"  
Delita: *is running around screaming like a little girl while crying* "Teitra, Teitra, where are you?!"  
Mateus: "Thanks for breaking it, Aria."  
Firion: "Breaking wh... HUH?! What are you guys doing here?"  
Ryoko: "We just made him agree to leaving the apartment building alone, and then... you do this?!"  
Delita: "I hate you ALL! I'll get all of you for this!"  
Aria: "Fuck it. Firion, kill him."  
Firion: "WHAT?!"  
Aria: "He'll only be trouble later on if we leave him alive."  
Firion: "You've been really bloodthirsty lately."  
Aria: "I'm on the rag. Can you expect much else?"  
Light: *busts in, but no one notices* Aria: "I just feel like KILLING THINGS."  
Firion: "But you make me do all the killing!"  
Aria: "I feel like making you kill things, then."  
Firion: "I couldn't facepalm harder than I am right now."  
Delita: *passes out from all the running around and screaming*  
Mateus: "And to think, you were a part of Kuja's group..." *lifts his staff* "You will not suffer."  
Disembodied voice: "STOP IT."  
Mateus: "...YOU!"

*everyone looks up to see that Seymour is standing next to the throne*

Seymour: "Such violence... and in the throne room at that."  
Mateus: "Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Antlers."  
Seymour: "Do you just like pointing out your own features?"  
Mateus: "The fuck are you here for?"  
Seymour: "Kuja is having me round up the old group for a get-together, and I thought I would come and let the King have a night off."  
Light: "You're Delita's lover, then."  
Ryoko: "Light! When did you get here?"  
Light: "You didn't even notice? Way to make a man feel loved."  
Ryoko: "I was preoccupied!"  
Light: "Yeah, by Mateus' overwhelming sexiness."  
Ryoko: "Not EVEN."  
Seymour: "A lover's quarrel. Most amusing. Now, I need you to die."  
Aria: "Firion, Kill him."  
Firion: "NO, YOU KILL HIM!"  
Seymour: "Two couples having a fight? what a disjointed party you all are. No matter. You will die. You will die here, you will die now."  
Mateus: "That's the amusing part. You think you can kill us."  
Seymour: "I certainly can't." *reaches into his pocket and pulls out something shiny*  
Ryoko: "Wait... wait a minute, is that-?!" *she changes into her alternate classes and checks all her pockets* "What are you doing with that?!"  
Light: *rushes in to cut Seymour in twain*  
Seymour: *falls over, dead*  
Light: "That was easy."  
Seymour: *gets back up*  
Light: "WHAT."  
Seymour: "I'm fucking invincible, mortal fools!"  
Aria: "I've had enough! GAHHH!" *she starts charging up energy* "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! KA... ME... HAAA... ME... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA!" *shoots a huge ass Kamehameha Wave at Seymour and he turns into dust* "FEEL THE PAIN OF MY CRAMPS, FUCKERS."  
Delita: "My... MY LOVE!"  
Aria: "don't make me give you one, too."  
Delita: "No. no. Keep the apartment building! Please! Just go away."

*the team starts walking out together*

Ryoko: "and our home is saved!"  
Light: "Indeed."  
Mateus: "MmmHmm."  
Aria: "All of a sudden, my cramps stopped hurting. I wonder, was Seymour the one causing them?"  
Firion: "No, I think you turned all your stress into an energy beam there."  
Aria: "I do feel so much better now."  
Firion: "Haha."  
Mateus: "So, little samurai, you had something you needed to discuss with me after everything was taken care of. What was that?"  
Ryoko: "Well, I honestly think it might be time to-"  
Light: *puts his hand over her mouth* "No, my love, you don't have to say anything."  
Ryoko: "But I thought-"  
Light: "Everything is fine. It's all right. I won't complain anymore."  
Mateus: "What? What were you complaining about?"

*the group walks off into the sunset like in old timey cartoons*

Mateus: "...what happened?! Why won't you tell meeeeeeee?!" 


	37. The Christmas Curse

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 8

Disclaimer as said by Light: "...We do not have the rights to any of the properties featured in this story."

~Fic Start!~

*Aria is up incredibly early, watching Good Morning, Ivalice on TV*

TV: "And today, we're going to show you how to make a book out of stale pancakes."  
Aria: "What?! Why?! Who the fuck would want to make a book out of stale pancakes?! Who has stale pancakes lying around?! They're just out of ideas all ready!"  
TV: "Right after these commercials!"  
Commercial: *plays a jingle* "Buy Mog-inspired Loopy-doo Diapie Wipes, now with more pompoms!"  
Aria: "Wut..."  
Commercial 2: *shows the band Harvey Danger playing Flagpole Sitta on stage, then it blows up. the screen turns black and blood drips down the screen. The blood forms into letters that say "GOT MILK?" in horrible, almost illegible font*  
Aria: "Did Mateus take control of the TV station again?"  
Mateus: *sticks his head out of Ryoko's bedroom door* "No, Aria, I'm home this morning."  
Aria: "Wow, that's... terrific."  
Mateus: "You always blame me for whenever something goes wrong. I'm goin' back to bed where it's warm." *closes door carefully*  
Aria: *sigh* "Yeah, the colder months are upon us. Thanksgiving went without a hitch, amazingly. It's time to start getting ready for Christmas."

*the TV has gone through about ten commericals and they still aren't over.*

Aria: "What are we going to do to celebrate Christmas this year? Does Mateus even celebrate Christmas, because he's convinced he's divinity?"  
Mateus: *sticks his head back out* "If you want to talk to me, instead of behind my back where you think I cannot hear you, please say so."  
Aria: "That'd be nice, now that you mention it."

*Mateus pulls himself into a robe and walks out to the living room to sit on the recliner across from Aria's couch. The TV is still playing commericals, even 20 minutes after saying they'd be right back.*

Aria: "Mateus. Do you celebrate Christmas?"  
Mateus: "What? Is that the holiday dedicated to the God of Christianity or something? His birthday?"  
Aria: "Here in Ivalice, Christmas is celebrated, along with New Year's Day, to bring in the new year with family and friends. We exchange gifts and eat special sweets... there's lots of other things to do, but that's the main jist of it."  
Mateus: "And why is it important that I celebrate it?"  
Aria: *sigh* "Because Ryoko will be sad if you don't."  
Mateus: *nods* "Then I will celebrate Christmas, regardless of the reasons. I will not stand for my future empress to be sad on my watch!"  
Aria: "But... be careful."  
Mateus: "Huh?"  
Aria: "Ryoko, she doesn't really like the holiday very much."  
Mateus: "Why? You just said that you'd be sad if I didn't celebrate it."  
Aria: "Yes, but... if you're incredibly excited about it, she'll avoid you until New Year's. Ryoko likes the holiday, but she has a hard time showing it."  
Mateus: "Typically when she loves something, she's open about it."  
Aria: "Oh, I know."  
Mateus: "Why would she hide her love for a holiday?"  
Aria: "It's not my place to say. Maybe, if she loves you enough... she'll tell you. She guards the secret closely."  
Mateus: "So, you're saying it would be a sign of her love if she tells me about it?"  
Aria: "It would have to be."  
Mateus: "Then I will have to get her to tell me before she tells Light!"  
Aria: *grunt*

*Mateus skips down the hall with an evil look on his face and Firion comes out into the hallway and trips him.*

Mateus: "Why did you do that?!"  
Firion: "You look even gayer when you skip."  
Mateus: "Like you have the right to talk, PANDA."  
Firion: *kicks Mateus a few times, then walks away*  
Mateus: "You're just angry that you have to deal with me, even though I've possessed you once in the past. And you... enjoyed every moment of it."  
Firion: "LIES! SLANDER!"  
Mateus: "I could remind you, but I am pledged to love only one now. My polyamorus days are over. Lucky for you, Nobara."  
Firion: *punches Mateus in the face so hard that it breaks the door going into Ryoko's bedroom* "Keep your mouth shut. You said you put the past behind you. Well leave it there."

*Light rolls out of bed, landing on the floor. He's snoring so loudly that Aria can hear him*

Mateus: "Warm bed! I come to claim my spot next to my beloved~" *jumps in the bed*  
Firion: "Attention span issues. Yes? Oh yes."  
Mateus: "Close the door~"  
Firion: "Umm... there kinda... isn't one anymore."

A FEW HOURS LATER!

Light: "So, Aria, you want us to do something for Christmas."  
Aria: "Well, yeah. Why not? We could use the fun, right?"  
Ryoko: "What's so fun about putting up decorations you're only gonna take down in a month?"  
Firion: "Ryo-chan, don't be like that."  
Ryoko: "I still don't think it makes any sense."  
Light: "when she says it in that way, I kinda almost agree with her."  
Aria: "It's about the Christmas SPIRIT~"  
Mateus: "What is the Christmas spirit?"  
Aria: "The good will towards men, and knowing how good it feels to give and make your friends and family happy. Oh, and you have to be nice to strangers."  
Mateus: (thinking) "What a weak holiday."  
Light: "What's with that expression, Mateus?"  
Mateus: "I was just thinking about what a... kind holiday this seems to be."  
Ryoko: "I... want to go buy new door hinges."  
Firion: "You know what that means."  
Mateus: "I shall be her escort!"  
Light: "Why are you so enthusiastic, Matty?"  
Mateus: "One should always be enthusiastic when going out with one's love, don't you think?"  
Aria: *facepalm* "Oh God someone punch the fuck out of him."  
Firion: "Gladly!"  
Ryoko: *gets up* "Come on, then. Grab your coat. It's more than nippy out now."  
Mateus: *his coat magically appears on him*  
Ryoko: "...screw being a normal person, right?" *grabs her coat off the hook by the door*  
Mateus: "Well, excuse me for commanding the powers of Heaven and Hell and not being able to use them to their full potential anymore because I gave up being an overlord."  
Light: "Stop your bragging." *puts on his coat quickly*

*as Ryoko, Mateus, and Light make for the door...suddenly, Alis busts through it*

Ryoko: "STOP DOING THAT."  
Mateus: "Your time warping powers are amazing. Seriously, everytime I try to warp, I end up on the roof or somewhere in the building across the street."  
Alis: "You mean that decrepit, condemned barn full of rotting cow carcasses?"  
Mateus: "That would be the one."  
Aria: "Ho... no, I'm not going to ask that question."  
Alis: "The reason I know what it is? I've never been inside it, but I do know people who work there."  
Firion: "People work in there?"  
Alis: "Yeah. Some mage was able to turn liquified rotten cow bones into ink. That's where the ink for all the newspaper is made."  
Aria: *shudders as she looks at the stack of newspapers on the nearby coffee table*  
Firion: "Where's Squall?"  
Alis: "I left him on the ship."  
Light: "Doesn't he wanna come in and say hello?"  
Alis: "After the world we just came from? HA."  
Ryoko: "I thought the Bahamut Council sealed off all otherworldly travel?"  
Alis: "Oh, sis, you don't even want to know the half of it. But as an early Christmas present, I thought I'd give you this." *hands her something that looks like a newspaper*  
Ryoko: "It's a... the hell, it's a school paper? Who the hell has even heard of Ivalice Private Academy?"  
Alis: "Look at it."  
Ryoko: "It's not holly decorating the corners and a wreath on the front?"  
Alis: "Good gravy, Ryoko, you're more irritable than usual."  
Aria: "I think it's her Holiday Blues."  
Alis: "I nearly forgot about that! Anyway, flip through the pages of that paper, you might find it interesting."  
Ryoko: *throws it on Aria's face*  
Aria: "GAHHHHHH! GET THE LIQUID ROTTEN COW INK OFF ME!"  
Firion: *snatches the paper* "Hmm. Says here 'December issue of the Ivalice Academy school paper. Editor... Aria?"  
Aria: "What."  
Firion: "That's exactly what's typed. Alis, where did you get this?"  
Alis: *grins* "I'll tell you when you read it."

*they all sit down around the table in the living room to look at the paper*

Mateus: "Well, look at this picture here. That's the little samurai herself. Undoubtedly."  
Ryoko: "Holding a microphone?"  
Light: "The caption underneath... 'Ryoko Ronsenburg preforming a solo piece with the IPA Choir. Her outfit was designed by Mateus Palamecia, the head of the Art Club'."  
Mateus: "Of course, I'm always designing clothes for you."  
Ryoko: "And on this page is a sport's section."  
Firion: "The hell? Light and I... on the school's soccer team? As forwards!? And look here, there's Onion and Squall listed on the team, too! As defenders!"  
Aria: "And Light's name is over here again, in the kendo results."  
Firion: "This is peculiar, to say the least."  
Alis: "If you look here, Aria is not only on dance team, but she has recipes listed on the very last page because she's also the head of the cooking club. Talk about an overachiever."  
Aria: "I am NOT an overachiever!"  
Alis: "Not from what I saw."  
Ryoko: "What you... saw?"  
Alis: "I filmed some of it!"  
Mateus: "WH..WH...WHAT?! Is that even legal?!"  
Light: "Oh, you're asking about the legality of something? Come on, try to stay in character somewhat, ex EVIL EMPEROR."  
Alis: "There isn't a police force for multiple worlds, and if there were... they couldn't stop me anyway. I'd just warp away."  
Ryoko: "If I had to guess, you want to force me to watch the footage recorded while you were there?"  
Alis: *gives her a big, shit-eating grin*  
Ryoko: "Firion!"  
Firion: "What's up?"  
Ryoko: "Punch her."  
Firion: "WHY ME?!"  
Alis: "Sit down, shut up, and come watch this beautiful movie!"

*Everyone takes of their coats and puts them away, then sits down to watch the footage Alis recorded on the TV*

~ON THE TV!~

*camera fades into a cafeteria and a very young looking Ryoko is sitting a table by herself. all the students are wearing purple uniforms, because there are not enough purple uniforms in anime dammit.*

Ryoko: *eats bento*  
Mateus: "Ahh, Ryo-chan! I thought you were eating in the classroom today."  
Ryoko: "Nope."  
Mateus: "May I sit with you?"  
Ryoko: "Even if I told you no, you'd still do it."  
Mateus: "I've been meaning to tell you for a while, but I-"  
Light: "There you are. And as always, Matty-sempai is clinging to you."  
Mateus: "I am not clinging. We are apart. If you want ot see clinging-"  
Light: "Please refrain." *sits down on Ryoko's other side*  
Ryoko: "Hiya, Light-sempai~"  
Light: "I... I told you that you didn't need to call me 'sempai'."  
Ryoko: "I do it anyway. You are older than I am, after all!"  
Mateus: "What's in your bento?"  
Ryoko: "I don't know what the fuck's in it, it all got mushed on my way here today."  
Firion: *runs up to the table* "Nyaaaaaaaaaaaa, BROOTHERRRRRR!"  
Light: "Calm yourself, we're at lunch, not a game."  
Firion: "Heh."  
Aria: *is not that far behind* "I made dessert~"  
Firion: "AWESOME!"  
Onion: *zips around the table a few times before sitting down* "And the crowd goes wild!"  
Lynn: *comes up from below the table holding paint brushes* "You seem happy today!"  
Alis: *falls from the ceiling, landing on the table, turning it over* "Hi guys!"  
Lynn: "Glad I got from under there just in time."  
Ryoko: "What were you... doing under there anyway?"  
Lynn: "I don't have the slightest clue."  
Squall: *also falls from the ceiling, but lands on his feet next to the table* "And that's called Falling. With STYLE."  
Alis: X'D Ryoko: "So, the whole gang is gathered together, hmm. Well, I suppose that means it's time to discuss plans for the holidays."  
Aria: "I can't do much. I'll be putting a paper together."  
Mateus: "Oh, you have a paper for a semester test? That's letting you off pretty easily."  
Aria: "Not a research paper. A newspaper!"  
Mateus: "Forgive me."  
Aria: "I got that on top of the Great Will Bake-Sale with the cooking club and then there's that Pep Rally I have to dance for, and then there's appeasing my family during the holidays themselves and-"  
Ryoko: "Forgive me for asking."  
Mateus: "I don't have any family. I'll be staying in my dorm."  
Light: "My father's out of town. I won't be here."  
Squall: "My dad WANTS me to come home, but I don't want to go."  
Alis: "My family sucks ass. I'm staying here."  
Lynn: "I don't have family either."  
Ryoko: "You're... all pretty lonely, huh? Well, then... I suggest that we be each other's family. You don't wanna go home, Squall? Don't. We'll do something - by us, for us."  
Squall: "That's kind of ya."  
Ryoko: "Aria, you, too."  
Aria: "...but-"  
Ryoko: "Shut up, you're staying."  
Aria: "That's sweet, but I'm... y'know, expected to do big things."  
Ryoko: "So you do them. And then you tell the world 'hey world, fuck off, I'm enjoying my holiday.' Just like that. I'll even write the letters so you can send them to anyone who might bother you over the break. And once you get all the school work done, then we'll party. With lots of cake. cheesecake. Hmmmmm~ CHEESECAKE~"  
Mateus: "Ahh, yon angel is so generous~"  
Alis: "Generous? HA, she's gonna EAT the whole damn cake herself."  
Squall: "Yeeeeah, she would do that."  
Aria: "I guess since I'm the editor... would you guys like to help me put the paper together?"  
Everyone else: "Would we?!"

*there's a montage of all of the group together in the paper room, writing articles on each other and compiling it to make the school paper that they have sitting on the coffee table*

Ryoko: "Because that's what the holidays are about, dammit! Togetherness and people who care about you and working together!"  
Mateus: "I must thank you for teaching me about this stupendous holiday season! Without my beloved angel, I would only know of sorrow and loneliness!"  
Light: "I insist you go into the drama club, Matty."  
Mateus: "I don't like the people in there. They're so snooty. Especially Kuja!"  
Firion: "Yeah, you're snooty, too."  
Mateus: "I am NOT snooty!"  
Aria: "Yes you are."

*they all gather around a Christmas tree made of old newspaper and start singing carols, but the only good singers in the group are Ryoko and Alis.*

~BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM!~

Alis: "And so, Ryoko inspired everyone to be together forever. The end."  
Ryoko: "That movie sucked."  
Alis: "SO Not funny."  
Ryoko: "Think about it. It had no plot. There was no conflict, because without a conflict there can be no plot. Sure, there was character development, but... as a movie, it lacks too much to stand up against good, well thought out movies."  
Alis: "I followed them around with a camera. IT WAS NOT A MOVIE."  
Ryoko: "You said to shut up and watch the damn movie, so I have to take it like it IS one."  
Alis: "I was just trying to brighten your spirits because I know how you hate the season!"  
Ryoko: "I don't want your 'brightening', I want to go get door hinges to fix the door of my bedroom so I can have sex without the lot of you staring in on the action!"  
Alis: "But... it might be good sex! Who doesn't like watching good sex?"  
Ryoko: "GAHHHHHH!" *grabs her coat and stomps out the door*  
Light: "For the record, I don't like watching it."  
Alis: "Yeah, then why do you share a bed with two other people?"  
Light: "Because my fiancee came with... extra."  
Alis: "Dude, you're in a threesome. You're gonna have to watch at some point. And GIVE ME DETAILS!"  
Mateus: "...and you guys tell me that I'm horrible..." *he and his coat vanish*  
Light: "Alis, I understand why you come around, but I don't understand why you're so... intrusive." *grabs his coat and walks out the front door*  
Alis: "You just don't understand me."  
Aria: "Well you are confusing."  
Alis: "I knew that all ready."  
Firion: "I don't think it's a compliment."  
Alis: "Firi, man, let me level witchu. I don't give a shit."  
Aria: "Either way, you're a part of Ryoko's family, so you're a part of ours. We'll accept anyone that comes our way."  
Firion: "We fucking accepted MATEUS into our family, we can accept ANYBODY."  
Alis: "It sounds like a family of rejects."  
Firion: "In all actuality, yeah, now that you mention it, that's what we are."  
Aria: *sigh* "What are we going to do to bring the Christmas spirit out of Ryoko?"  
Firion: "We give her cheesecake."  
Aria: "Yeah and then she's happy while she's eating it. I mean, change her outlook on Christmas forever."  
Alis: "Oh! I have an idea! But it will involve both Mateus and Light."  
Firion: "I'll pull the guys aside when they get back. What's the idea?"

~OUTSIDE, NEAR THE LOCAL SUPERMARKET!~

*everything is playing Christmas music*

Ryoko: "oH. mY. GOD. This isn't going to end until NEW YEARS!"  
Mateus: "Forgive me for pointing this out, but you're the one who wanted to leave the apartment. You knew they'd be..."  
Ryoko: "You don't know anything about normal life. I tell you that I need you to get a 'door hinge' and you wouldn't know what that is or the right kind to get."  
Light: *catches up* "Ohhh... milady... you should not have burst off like that."  
Ryoko: *gives him an evil glare* "The sooner I left, the sooner I can go back."  
Mateus: "Oh, little samurai, one would think that someone who's about love and peace like you would simply adore this time of year."

*Ryoko walks away from them for a minute*

Ryoko: "STAND BACK."  
Light: "why?"  
Mateus: "I'm confused."  
Ryoko: "I don't want you hit by this."

*She pulls out a katana from her dress*

Ryoko: "DRAW OUT!"

*the spirit from her sword cast silence on all the radios, speakers, and other music creating things... and on the carolers, too*

Ryoko: "Humph!"  
Mateus: "You know, it might be easier to just work with you to cancel Christmas forever at this rate."  
Ryoko: "Really? That'd be swell!"  
Light: "Heavens, no! That would ruin winter for pretty much everybody. No one likes the cold or the snow, so let them have their Christmas so the winter is worth something."  
Ryoko: "Okay. We're moving to the desert then!"  
Mateus: "Those scars run deep."  
Light: "They must."  
Mateus: "Your father... well, we knew about his fate on Thanksgiving, and you don't hate that holiday. What could make you hate Christmas so much?"  
Light: "I wonder! Did Sephiroth do it?"  
Mateus: "Yeah, everyone knows how much you hate him!"  
Ryoko: "...no. It was not Sephiroth."  
Mateus: "I know a whole bunch of villains, want me to start naming them out?"  
Ryoko: "...it's not a villain that destroyed Christmas in my heart."  
Light: "Whoever made you this vengeful must have been a villain!"  
Mateus: "Indeed. Most powerful!"  
Light: "And evil!"  
Mateus: "And corrupted by the depths of hell! Worse than I am! And that's saying something!"  
Ryoko: "No. He wasn't anything like that."  
Mateus: "So it was a man! I knew it! Men ruin shit all the time!"  
Light: "Do you... ever listen to yourself when you're talking?"  
Mateus: "What?"  
Light: "...nevermind."  
Ryoko: "He was a peaceful person. He loved life, lived full of love, and never did anything wrong, ever."  
Mateus: "Wha... WHAT? Then how-"  
Ryoko: "He left scars so deep in my heart that they still haven't recovered."  
Light: "Who is he?! I'll rip him asunder in your honor!"  
Ryoko: "Nice try, my love. Too many have asked me that question, and I still cannot speak his name." *walks into the supermarket*  
Mateus: "Can't speak his name?! She's under a CURSE!"  
Light: "That's terrible! She's cursed to hate Christmas forever!"  
Mateus: "We have to break the curse."  
Light: "Yes! We do!"

*they start to rush into the store*

Light: "Wait a minute."  
Mateus: "What?!"  
Light: "How do we break the curse?"  
Mateus: "Hmmmmmm... once we take her back home, we make a break for the Arcane Library!"  
Light: "There's one of those in Igros?"  
Mateus: "You know a witch that transcends the will of the great machrosim of space-time and a dark wizard with connections to the bowels of Hell. You have access to the Great Arcane Library."  
Light: "...fair enough. That's the plan."  
Mateus: "We'll save Ryoko's Christmas!" 


	38. Why It Sucks to be Late for Christmas

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 9

Disclaimer as said by Alis: "Fuck ya'll, we don't own none of this shit."

~Fic Start!~

*Ryoko, Mateus, and Light have bought the door hinge Ryoko needed to fix the door to their bedroom from the local store and they've headed home. Inside the apartment, Firion and Aria are setting up a table in the center of the living room.*

Firion: "So what are we hooking up?"  
Alis: "You guys still have a PS2?"  
Aria: "Like I'd ever have a reason to part with it."  
Alis: "Point taken. Hook that shit up."  
Aria: *gets a devilish smile* "I know what I'm putting in there."

*Aria's phone rings*

Aria: "Yo, get that."  
Firion: "Aria's BBQ, you kill 'em, we grill 'em!"  
Voice on the phone: "You grill malboros? I got a metric fuckton of dead ass malboros."  
Firion: "The FUCK?"  
Voice on the phone: "I'm just shittin' you, bro."  
Firion: "Oh, BRO! It's been forever! Where you at, nigga?"  
Alis: "And here I thought Firion had a bit of class."  
Aria: "Nah, that would be Light. Every now and then, Firion let's his lower class side show."  
Alis: "Did he grow up in a ghetto?"  
Aria: "I... don't really know..."

*they start imagining what Fynn looked like. Instead of being a village with a few shops and a big building where Hilda led the rebellion... it's a small, fenced-in cramped place between two apartment buildings that go up 100 stories and gangs own whole floors of it. The camera zooms in to show that Hilda's a crack whore and Firion is stuck running her errands between him and the top floor of one of the buildings where Mateus is a pimp-king wearing nothing but zebra print bikini briefs*

Aria: "Wait a minute. That's not how FF2 went..."  
Alis: "I dunno, never played it, myself."  
Firion: "S'cool, bro, you comin' for X-mas?"  
Voice on the phone: "FO SHO, BITCH."  
Firion: "Damn, dat's tight, dawg. What's yo' ETA?"  
Voice on the phone: "Tomorrow, bro. We'll be here tomorrow."  
Firion: "Who the fuck is coming with you?"  
Voice on the phone: "My homegirl."  
Firion: "You got cherself a girl? Fuck yeah!"  
Voice on the phone: "Fuck yeah I did."  
Firion: "We'll be waitin' on yo' deadbeat asses." *he hangs up* "Hey, baby, that was Onion. He'll be here tomorrow."  
Alis: "I think you just flipped personalities..."  
Firion: "I have lots of other talents, too."  
Aria: "And now you're starting to sound like Mateus."  
Firion: "DON'T COMPARE ME TO HIM-"

*the front door opens*

Ryoko: "...to who?"  
Firion: "You're back!"  
Alis: "That was quick."  
Ryoko: "Did you expect less? I'm not going to go shopping out with that hideous music playing until New Year's."  
Alis: "But... I have this GameGo gift card right here in my purse."  
Ryoko: *starts to walk away* "I'm not interested."  
Alis: "And they're having a sale on handheld RPGs."  
Ryoko: *stops* "They're... what?!"  
Alis: "So, you wanna go shopping with me?"  
Ryoko: *nods*  
Alis: "Then go put the hinge away and come shopping with me."

*Ryoko runs at light speed, putting the hinge away then snatching Alis and running out the door*

Firion: "HA! What what do you know?! It did work."  
Aria: "Well they have known each other all their lives."  
Light: "What just happened here?"  
Firion: "A trap has been sprung."  
Mateus: "Where has that wench taken my little samurai?! We have an emergency!"  
Aria: "Which is?"  
Light & Mateus: "Ryoko is CURSED!"  
Firion: "...I knew Mateus was a screwball, but you, too, Dad?"  
Mateus: "Excuse me, Firionel-"  
Light: "Based on what she told us about hating Christmas, I think it's very possible that she is cursed."  
Aria: "Boys, boys. You're overreacting. No one can be cursed to hate Christmas."  
Mateus: "You lying witch, you know why she hates the holiday and you refuse to tell me!"  
Aria: "It's not my place to tell you why she is the way she is. If she loves you, she'll come out and tell you. But all this 'based on what she told us' crap? You guys don't know ANYTHING about a girl's code."  
Light: "A girl's code?"  
Mateus: "I'm inexperienced with women, you know this."  
Firion: "Guys, what she means is that women speak in code. They don't always tell you exactly what's on their minds. They'll tell you complete lies sometimes just to throw you off."  
Aria: "We're not liars."  
Firion: "I beg to differ." *looks at Mateus and Light* "I think the two of you have been duped. Tell us what she told you. We'll translate."  
Aria: "I don't blab my friend's secrets."  
Firion: "Fine, I'll help translate it. Somehow."

*meanwhile, at GameGo*

Ryoko: "...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAALIS."  
Alis: "What's up?"  
Ryoko: "You said they were having a SALE! A SALE on handheld RPGs."  
Alis: "Yeah, I did."  
Ryoko: "Then why the HELL is every version of Yggdrasil's Labyrinth FIFTY THOUSAND GODDAMN GIL?!"  
Alis: "Well, maybe it isn't handheld."  
Ryoko: "THEY'RE FOR THE DS!"  
Alis: "Sis."  
Ryoko: "YOU LIED TO ME."  
Alis: "My dear sister, I needed to get you out here. I needed a chance to talk to you without either of your boyfriends getting at me."  
Ryoko: "...about what?"  
Alis: "About... you! That's what."  
Ryoko: "Are you mad about me having two boyfriends?"  
Alis: "Hardly. I've done worse."  
Ryoko: "...oh."  
Alis: "But that does lead me to something important. Princess, I'm worried about you."  
Ryoko: "Tell me something I don't know."  
Alis: "I'm worried that Mateus is with you for the wrong reasons."  
Ryoko: "But... he fought of Sephiroth in my honor!"  
Alis: "After it was revealed that you are the pillar."  
Ryoko: "You didn't like Light at first, either."  
Alis: "Light is a gentleman who only wishes to see you safe and happy. I can approve of that. Mateus used to be an evil emperor bent on controlling the world. Who's to say he's not after the same goal here in Ivalice? Wasn't he the one who trapped you when you were fighting the Awkward Cloud?"  
Ryoko: "Yes, we didn't start on the right foot, but..."  
Alis: "But what?"  
Ryoko: "Hell, YOU were the one who suggested that we become a threesome. So we did."  
Alis: "...fair enough."  
Ryoko: "It's incredibly selfish of me, I know that. It's not right to Mateus OR to Light. I've been carrying this weight in my heart, knowing that it's selfish to do this to both of them but-"  
Alis: *puts her hand over Ryoko's mouth* "Stop. If they understand that you can't choose between them, then it's not an issue."  
Ryoko: "I love them both."  
Alis: "It's okay."

*Ryoko turns away from the game shelves and looks outside. It's started to snow*

Ryoko: "...I guess... Christmas isn't so bad."  
Alis: "Wait. Did I just hear you say...?"  
Ryoko: "I just hate that fucking bastard, and this time of year... always reminds me of back then."  
Alis: "Then you should come out with it and tell someone."  
Ryoko: "It hurts to talk about it."  
Alis: "This is a wound that white magic cannot heal, my dear sister."  
Ryoko: "I know that."  
Alis: "You know, I think the fact that you're the pillar is taking its toll on you, too. This is a highly emotional time of year for everyone in this world. You inevitiably feel it."  
Ryoko: "I don't want to be the pillar anymore."  
Alis: "You've said that before."  
Ryoko: "Because if I wasn't the pillar... I'd be able to roam freely. I'd know who's around me because they want to be, not because they feel they have to be."  
Alis: "Do you think our bond would change? I don't care for you because I'm your bodyguard. I do value you like a sister. To me, you ARE my sister."  
Ryoko: "Stop it."  
Alis: "But-"  
Ryoko: "I don't want to hear your pleas. I want to see your actions after I find a way to give up this power. Listen, I don't want to tell anyone until after I've figured it out."  
Alis: "Princess, there's only one way to get rid of the power and it will cost you your life."  
Ryoko: "You have phoenix downs and the Life spell, right?  
Alis: "No. If you do what it takes to get the power out of your body, then it will kill you. It will literally kill you."  
Ryoko: "...I'm with a man who has dominion in the afterlife, you know."  
Alis: "What makes you think that he'd-"  
Ryoko: "It would prove... without a shadow of a doubt... if he loves me or not."  
Alis: "You wouldn't DARE."  
Ryoko: "Yes! YES, I would! To be rid of this power and have insurmountable proof of his affection to put you and everyone else who questions him to fucking rest?! yes, YES I WOULD!"  
Alis: "And once the ruler of both heaven and hell has you to himself, on a level that none of us can even get to you... what makes you think he would let you come back to life?! Mateus does not WANT to share you, even if he does love you. He's a man, and men are territorial as fuck about what is there's. You know this for a fact, don't tell me you don't."  
Ryoko: "You will tell no one about my plan, Alis."

~BACK AT THE APARTMENT IN IGROS!~

Firion: "It sounds like Ryoko wants to make you think that a family member ruined Christmas for her."  
Light: "He says that it's someone she loves, but she refers to him as a 'bastard'."  
Aria: "...sounds about right."  
Light: "Stop doing that! You said you weren't gonna go blabbering secrets, remember?"  
Mateus: "Seriously, either help or don't."  
Aria: *shrugs* "This is a CHRISTMAS special. This should be about CHRISTMAS."  
Mateus: "But this IS about Christmas! We want Ryoko to enjoy the holiday."  
Light: "And we want her to heal from past emotional wounds."  
Mateus: "Yes, that, too."  
Aria: *sigh* "If you want her to heal, and that's an honest desire..." *looks out the window* "Then... go to the graveyard!"  
Light: "I'm not planning on dying!"  
Mateus: "That's not what she means. This person died, right?"  
Light: "Her father died on Thanksgiving, I remember that."  
Aria: "Haaa. Her father didn't celebrate Christmas. This isn't about him."  
Firion: "Are you saying they really should, when Alis actually sprung a trap properly?"  
Aria: *shakes head* "Hell no, that's not what I mean at all! Go to the graveyard!" *points* "That's where Ryoko is right now. Look!"

*they all look out the window. The graveyard is right next door to the Ivalice Swim Team's practice pool and across the street from Setzer's used airship lot. Ryoko is standing in the graveyard with a sword in her hand. Pointed at herself.*

Mateus: "Where in the Seven Layers of Hell is Alis?!"  
Light: "Forget that, I'm jumping out the window!" Firion: "...dad, don't be stupid. Take the elevator."

*they go out to the graveyard*

Light: "My love, what are you doing?"  
Mateus: "Little samurai, I realize the holidays are terrible for you, but it must not drive you to this point..."  
Aria: "Just tackle her!"  
Light: "that works, too."

*Light rushes at her, but Ryoko steps to the side and trips him*

Light: "...what?"  
Mateus: "If you will not listen to your knight, perhaps you will obey your master! Put your sword away!"  
Ryoko: "No."  
Mateus: "Wh... WHAT?!"  
Ryoko: "Light. Mateus. Forgive me for what I've done to you."  
Aria: "Firion! Tackle her!"  
Firion: "I'm on it!"

*Firion rushes at Ryoko, but she taps into hidden strength from her pillar powers and stops him with only her empty right hand*

Firion: "When did you aquire such strength?"  
Ryoko: "I don't want the powers of the pillar anymore."  
Mateus: "Do not do this. If you die, I will follow you."  
Ryoko: "Will you? If I die, then I will lose the power of the pillar. There won't be anything left for you to lust after then."  
Mateus: "You think that my love for you is because of your powers?! I loved you before I knew anything about you! I never forgot you after the Dissidia war! I missed you when you were gone. I've always been in love with you..."  
Ryoko: "Words are empty, no?"  
Aria: "I've had enough!"

*Aria rushes in, her martial arts abilities kicking in. She and Ryoko have a fight that blasts the whole graveyard away and leaves craters all over the ground around them. It's like in DBZ but without the energy blasts.*

Aria: "There's no way in hell any of us would ever let you kill yourself! Alis would behead us all if we let it happen!"  
Ryoko: "You don't understand anything, Aria!"  
Aria: "I'd understand more if you'd let me in on it!"

*their battle auras intensify and the battle continues. Whole buildings fall. Firion is extremely turned on at this point*

Firion: "Who knew she was so strong?!"  
Light: "I know, she usually looks like a frail little princess..."  
Firion: "I was talking about Aria."  
Light: "...oh."  
Mateus: "Stop this foolishness, Princess! I will not be spending my Christmas break rebuilding the housing of peasants!"  
Firion: "That would be quite noble of you, though."  
Mateus: "Fuck you, rebel."  
Firion: "Fuck you, mass murderer."  
Mateus: "That was in the past.  
Firion: "Oh please."

*they have their discussion while the very heated battle rages in the background. Both Ryoko and Aria are covered in bruises and have blood coming out from places it shouldn't be*

Mateus: "Firionel, what can I do to earn your trust after all the wrongs I have committed against you?!"  
Firion: "Um... you can die. I think that might do it."  
Mateus: "Kill two birds with one stone, then."  
Firion: "What do you mean?"  
Mateus: "I realize that I've done terrible things, but no one is willing to forgive me. All I want to do is live in peace with Ryoko. and... the rest of you are the only family I've ever had. You're wonderful people. I... I'm thankful you let me into your home. Your life." *smiles. the smile is actually genuine* "Merry Christmas, Firionel."  
Firion: "Whoa. Th... thanks, Mateus."

*they have a manly handshake*

Light: "One family issue solved. Now would someone STOP RYOKO from killing herself?!"  
Mateus: "Right!" *he calls his staff to his side and starts casting magic* "I'll capture her in a magic bubble..."  
Light: "...if she'd hold still."  
Mateus: "Fuck it!" *unleashes his angel wings and flies up in the crossfire* "Now, you will listen to me-"

*Aria punches Mateus in the nose as hard as possible, sending him falling back on the ground*

Mateus: "...d...damn it."  
Firion: ROFLMAO Light: "Yeah, that was totally helpful, wasn't it?"  
Firion: "Totally."  
Mateus: "...shut the fuck up and heal me."  
Light: *throws an X-potion at Mateus* "There."  
Mateus: *stands up* "Thank you, kindly, sir knight."  
Light: "Whatever."  
Mateus: "Who would have thought that ARIA was that strong?"  
Firion: "Wait. Wasn't it established at some point that Ryoko is a catalyst for battle abilities?"  
Light: "Yes. It's why Alis can warp reality."  
Firion: "Then perhaps Aria is tapping into that power?"  
Mateus: "what if I were to tap into it? Then I could stop this brutal display."  
Light: "Yeah, if you can harness it."  
Mateus: "I am the emperor of Heaven and Hell! There is no power beyond my own!"  
Light: "Uh huh."  
Firion: "Yeah sure."  
Mateus: *concentrates his aura* "I feel it!" *evil laugh* "So THIS is the power of the true heir of Ivalice! THIS is the power I need to take over all worlds!"

~ON TOP OF A NEARBY BUILDING~

Alis: "I KNEW IT! That two-timing double-crossing asshole!" *raises her staff*

~BACK IN THE GRAVEYARD~

Mateus: "Come, Princess, we've much to conquer!" *casts a spell that disrupts the fight, knocking Aria into the ground and leaves Ryoko suspended in the air* "You cannot DIE, then this power would go to such a WASTE!"  
Light: "WHAT."  
Firion: "I thought you LOVED her!?"  
Mateus: "Oh, I do. And now none of you can stop me from taking her as my bride!"  
Ryoko: *lands on her feet* "Mateus?"  
Mateus: "Princess?!"  
Ryoko: "So... this is what you wanted, was it? You came to be a part of our family just to have access to this power?" *she sniffles* "Thanks... for revealing your true colors."  
Mateus: *shakes his head* "Bu... but I..."  
Ryoko: "I'm not going to live in a world where everyone befriends me for my power. Goodbye, Mateus."  
Mateus: "No! NO! This is not what I wanted! It was not me! The demon that lives in my head. It was the demon that took control of me the moment he felt your power in its raw state. HE wants to take over all layers of the world, it is not MY desire. All I want is..."  
Ryoko: "Spare me your empty lies." *takes her sword and shoves it through her neck. She falls dead on the ground*  
Light: "NO! NOOOOO!" *falls to his knees* "RYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKOOO OOOOOOOOOOO!"  
Aria: *throws all the phoenix downs in her inventory at Ryoko* "THE FUCK HAPPENED?!"  
Firion: "It was MATEUS."  
Mateus: "I did not do it of my own accord! Believe me!"  
Alis: *warps in* "I have to get used to not having her power to rely on..." *looks at Mateus* "Well, well, look what we have here. A TRAITOR."  
Mateus: "I didn't do this!"  
Aria: "Oh I beg to differ."  
Mateus: "I can fix this, and I will. Heavens take me instead, I've no need for a world without Ryoko." *he picks up Ryoko's blade* "My little samurai... I will come to you!" *he chops off his own head*  
Alis: "Huh... I didn't think he'd actually do it."  
Light: "What do you mean?"  
Alis: "You know, she's a better trapmaster than all of you."  
Firion: "Say what?!"  
Alis: "You've been had."  
Light: "Explain!"  
Aria: "Yeah!"  
Alis: "Wait a few minutes. I was given explicit orders not to tell you what was going on."

~UP IN HEAVEN~

*Ryoko is lying on a cloud. She's an angel now. She's crying her eyes out.*

Mateus' voice: "Little samurai, what were you thinking? You know people who commit suicide aren't allowed in Heaven... But I could never condemn my beloved to the bowels of the Seven Layers of Hell."  
Ryoko: "You love me? BAH. I heard you."  
Mateus' voice: "I told you. There is another me that lives within my body, controlled by the demon that wishes to take over all of reality and every world in it. Just... just like there is another me, who has the grace and tenderness of Heaven itself."  
Ryoko: "I'm dead now. What's it matter?"  
Mateus' voice: "You're not dead. I will not allow you to die and be reincarnated."  
Ryoko: "With my death, Ivalice must be crumbling."  
Mateus' voice: "Actually, no. You weren't there when Cosmos died in the Dissidia war, but her power did not fade away. The world no longer had a body to contain the power, so it placed that power into crystals. Crystals are formed when the pillar of a world dies."  
Ryoko: "I see."  
Mateus' voice: "To tell you the truth, I don't want my powers, either."  
Ryoko: "What?"  
Mateus' voice: "I killed myself to follow after you."

*Mateus-angel walks in.*

Ryoko: "You... did?"  
Mateus: "And by dying, I'm no longer controlled by the spirits of an angel and a demon. I am just myself.  
Ryoko: "But then you won't be able to go back, if you're not carrying those powers."  
Mateus: "Watch this." *raises his hand*

*A horrible horned demon appears on his left side. A perfect shining angel with silver hair appears on his right. He, as a blonde human wearing yellow and purple clothes, stands in the center.*

Mateus: "Chaos will not summon me and put me back together."  
Ryoko: "You'd give up all of your power?"  
Mateus: "To be with you, yes. Yes, I would."  
Ryoko: *runs into his arms*

~DOWN ON EARTH~

Light: "I hope the bastard is happy, getting to keep her all to himself like that."  
Firion: "Worst. Christmas. ever."  
Aria: *can't stop crying*  
Alis: "Just give it time."  
Light: "THEY AREN'T COMING BACK! SHUT UP, ALIS!"  
Alis: *shakes her head* "Dammit. Have a little faith, would ya?"

*two beams of light fall from the sky and land on Ryoko and Mateus' bodies*

Alis: "Right on time! I was about to wonder."

*Mateus stands up first and slowly opens his eyes. Everyone notices that his eyes are no longer purple, but blue, and his horns are completely gone. He has a peaceful smile on his face.*

Mateus: "Merry Christmas, for I have risen again!"  
Aria: "This isn't EASTER, you fuckwit."  
Mateus: "Forgive me, holidays are a new thing to me."  
Light: "The hell just happened?"  
Mateus: "I gave up everything... to prove to all of you..." *he grabs the crown from his head and throws it on the ground, crunching it beneath his boots* "...that I do love Ryoko."  
Firion: "So, you're no longer the Emperor?"  
Mateus: "Exactly. I can't be controlled by any supernatural forces if I'm going to protect a princess. It's too risky."

*Ryoko stands up, very very slowly. She appears much weaker than she used to be. She looks the same, except it's very clear that she doesn't have any strength.*

Ryoko: "Sorry I worried you."  
Light: *glomps her*  
Aria: "YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU WORRIED US."  
Firion: "It took an incredible amount of faith to actually go through with something like that."  
Ryoko: "It was worth it, to be rid of the pillar powers AND to prove to you that Mateus isn't... well, you know, evil."  
Alis: "And I had to keep my trap shut while these guys were planning your funeral. Shows how little faith THEY had."  
Ryoko: "Well, they aren't used to trusting someone who used to commit mass murder and try to take over the world repeatedly."  
Mateus: "Isn't that the truth?"  
Light: "I suppose I should apologize."  
Mateus: "You don't have to. I should be working to earn your trust."  
Ryoko: *walks between them* "A team of three, we will always be, for eternity."  
Light: "Yes."

~THE NEXT MORNING! AT THE APARTMENT~

*Alis is sitting on the couch with Onion and Lynn*

Alis: "And that's how the OT3 saved Christmas."  
Onion: "Fuck, this is why being late sucks ass. I missed all of that!"  
Lynn: "So, is it true that Mateus gave up his powers to prove his love for Ryoko?!"  
Alis: "Yes."  
Lynn: "Then how did they come back to life if Mateus gave up his powers?"  
Alis: "Hell if I know."  
Mateus: *is opening a present* "Aww, Fuzzy yellow slippers! How cute! Thank you, Onion!"  
Onion: *makes a devilish smile* "You're welcome, Uncle Matty." 


	39. Light's Quest, part 1

"Omake!" Season 4 FINALE

Disclaimer as said by Delita Hyral: "WHY are you asking me?"  
Some moogle: "We're outta people to ask, kupo."  
Delita: "Fuck... no one owns this shit. And that's what it is. Shit."

~Fic Start!~

*The New Year's party has been going perfectly ever since Mateus and Ryoko returned with much fanfare on Christmas Eve. The group got together to start the party on the 30th instead of the 31st. Light, Firion, Onion, and Mateus have been playing Fortune Street on Aria's Wii, with Light running away with the game. Ryoko's baked batches upon batches of cookies and the whole house smells like them. Aria's served pizza and chips. Lynn has been watching the game intently. Alis... well, she vanished at some point.*

Mateus: "Light, if you DARE level up ONE MORE TIME-"  
Light: "You'll what?"  
Mateus: "I will flip this table!"  
Firion: "You wouldn't do that. It has Ryoko's peanut butter chocolate chip cookies sitting on it."  
Mateus: "What? Where? I will eat my beloved's cookies and suffer in silence!"  
Ryoko: "Here." *she puts a plate in front of him* "Eat as many as you can fit."  
Mateus: "Nyuu~" *chomps on cookies and cries happy tears* "They're delicious!"  
Firion: "Wonderful timing on your part."  
Ryoko: "Ha. Thanks." *she walks out with a smile on her face*  
Aria: "So... Light's winning, eh?"  
Onion: "Fucker owns at this game. But I bet if I challenged him to some King of Fighters, he'd be dead in an instant."  
Lynn: "Light is an expert fighter in person."  
Onion: "But in a fighting game, he's terrible at it."  
Mateus: "I declare a game change!"  
Light: "Only because you're losing."  
Mateus: *mouth full of cookies* "Nt wn uor wif, ou ick."  
Light: "I'm sorry, what was that?"  
Firion: "Wow, Dad, I never thought you were capable of delivering such zingers."  
Ryoko: *runs back in* "Did someone say Zingers?"  
Lynn: "He doesn't mean the snack cakes."  
Ryoko: "Aww nerts." *goes back in the kitchen*  
Light: "Zingers?"  
Onion: "When you say something a bit mean, you know, to get people to shut up."  
Light: "That's what a zinger is?"  
Firion: "Sort of."  
Light: "I... really have changed, haven't I?"  
Mateus: "Now, now, Light. I didn't take any offense to it."  
Light: "That doesn't matter." *he stands up* "Fellas, change the game to anything you like. I'm done playing."  
Firion: "What? You okay, Dad?"  
Light: *nods* "Ryoko, my love, might I have a moment of your time?"  
Ryoko: *comes out covered in splotched cookie dough* "What? You're done with the game? But you're only on your 30th board."  
Light: "I know. I just don't have it in me to complete 50 of them right now."  
Mateus: "SO THAT'S HOW YOU'RE SO GOOD AT IT."  
Onion: "Fifty games of that... in a row?!"  
Firion: "He has to do something when Mateus steals Ryoko to bed every time."  
Mateus: "I WAS OUT DONE BY MY OWN SEX DRIVE?!" Firion: "...that's about the jist of it."  
Aria: "Talk about stamina."  
Mateus: *has a pouty face* Aria: "Hey man, it's a GOOD thing."  
Mateus: *slumps off into a corner and has black shadowy swirly things surrounding him*  
Light: "...anyway, milady, I need to tell you something. I'm leaving you-"  
Everyone: "YOU'RE WHAT?!"  
Mateus: "VICTORY!" *the swirls go away and he starts dancing*  
Light: "Let me finish, if it would please you!"  
*awkward silence*  
Light: "I'm leaving you in the care of Mateus for a little while. He's an arrogant jerk, but I'm sure he will look after you to the best of his ability."  
Firion: "What? Are you going somewhere?"  
Aria: "This sounds serious."  
Lynn: "But I wanted to play Fortune Street with you!"  
Light: "I feel like I've changed radically since I've started staying here, and I need to make sure that this... is what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do with my life."  
Firion: "Dad, listen... no... you're my brother. Listen to me. The war is over now. We're living at peace in the world we're in. Cosmos would be thrilled to know that you've found yourself a lady and a family to call your own."  
Onion: "I agree with Nobara."  
Firion: "Did you have to use that name?" *is obviously annoyed*  
Onion: "Yes, yes I did."  
Mateus: "You might as well have given up! Ryoko shall be my bride before you return!" *goes into a very long and evil laugh*  
Aria: *kicks a large pot from the kitchen as hard as she can and nails Mateus on the back of the head with it*

*DONNNNNNGGGGGGG!*

Ryoko: "...thank you."  
Aria: "Not a problem. I enjoyed doing it."  
Lynn: "You kicked it like a soccer star!"  
Mateus: *turns around* "Ladies! How could you even think of hitting my head like this?" *rubs the big bump on his head* "Even my beloved..."  
Ryoko: "You're really overdramatic. That's all."  
Firion: "Like you're not, Miss I-kill-myself-to-test-my-second-boyfriend's-motivation? That wasn't overdramatic as fuck?"  
Ryoko: "NOBARA!"  
Firion: *breaks out into song* "MY STEPDAD'S NOT MEAN, HE'S JUST ADJUSTING!"  
Ryoko: *draws her sword*  
Light: "Stop it. Both of you." *puts his hand on Ryoko's hair* "I cannot say when I will return, my dear, but I will. There's some things I really must do." *he ruffles her hair gently* "Be strong for me."  
Ryoko: *puts her sword away and leaps into his arms* "I will~ I love you~"

*they kiss, and sparkles fly out*

Mateus: *sticks his tongue out* "EWWWW."  
Aria: "I think I got another pot around here somewhere..."  
Mateus: *stops and looks away*  
Light: "MATEUS."  
Mateus: "Yes?"  
Light: "YOU WILL LOOK AFTER RYOKO."  
Mateus: "I understood that."  
Light: "ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER WHILE I AM GONE, I WILL DESTROY YOU."  
Mateus: *raises right hand* "Aye, aye, good sir. Your lady will be... taken care of." *has a devilish smile* "As she is my lady, too."  
Light: *grunts* "I don't care if you go into the room and have sex until I get back, which I get the feeling you're going to do. As long as she doesn't get lost, kidnapped, ransomed, killed, destroyed, sent to either part of the afterlife, found by any of the warring parties-"  
Firion: "Warring parties?"  
Light: "Don't you read the newspapers?"  
Lynn: "I do! The warring parties are in search of the newly formed crystals! Whoever collects them all will be the ones to have the rightful ruling power in Ivalice!"  
Light: "Yep. Good for you, Lynn."  
Lynn: ^_^ Firion: "Why have we just been told about this?"  
Ryoko: "Well we haven't been paying much attention to the outside since Christmas."  
Aria: "Yeah."

*they look outside. they see a mushroom cloud in the distance.*

Mateus: "Impressive spell!"  
Everyone else: *looks at him strangely*  
Mateus: "From a warlock's prospective, I mean... how terrible that they'd throw it at innocent people... err..."  
Firion: "The same way you decimated my hometown?"  
Mateus: "You're never going to get over that, are you?"  
Firion: "NEVER! You killed my parents, my friends, that chick I had a crush on since we went to the dance in high school..."  
Aria: ?!  
Mateus: "I thought you liked that purple-haired rebel woman."  
Firion: "I hated that bitch! Useless as fuck. All she had going for her was a nice rack."  
Onion: "Yeyuh!"  
Firion: "But I never went for 'em. I would sooner be charmed by a Lamia than get with that useless cunt."  
Mateus: "I always wondered how that would work out."  
Firion: "A Lamia is hotter than that cunt."  
Ryoko: "I never thought you'd say that word."  
Firion: "Words are just that. Words. It doesn't matter if I say them or not. Motherfucking Cunt, bitch cunt, worthless bitch ass cunt that can't run away from danger 'cause she's a useless fucking cunt-"

~MEANWHILE! IN A FARAWAY WORLD!~

Maria: "I wonder how many times I'll die today?"  
Guy: "War over. You no die!"  
Maria: "Too bad Firion's not here to hide behind..."  
Guy: *severely annoyed* "WAR OVER. YOU NO DIE, STUPID BITCH!"  
Minwu's ghost: *sits off in a corner by himself* "HILLLLLDAAAAA~ I LOOOOVED YOOOOOU!"  
Richard's ghost: *stands next to Minwu* "You don't have to do that ghosty voice, you know."  
Minwu's ghost: "I know. But it's fun."  
Richard's ghost: "The fuck?! ...I wonder what happened to Firionel?"  
Minwu's ghost: "The goddess has moved him, because he was no longer needed here. That's my guess."  
Richard's ghost: "and here Maria is a schoolteacher..."  
Minwu's ghost: "FYNN'S CHILDREN ARE DOOMED."

~AND BACK IN THE APARTMENT IN IGROS, IVALICE!~

Firion: "And I hope that cunt dies. FOR GOOD."  
Mateus: "I'm... speechless."  
Firion: "Yeah, I like YOU more than I like her."  
Light: "For Heaven's sake, Firion!"  
Firion: "Sorry, Dad."  
Light: *clears his throat* "All right, my friends... my beloved... I will depart." *he uses his aura to call forth all of his armor and his sword. He looks the exact same as when Ryoko first met him* "Be safe, Ryoko."  
Ryoko: "Yes, my knight. I will be."  
Light: *walks out the door and closes it*  
Mateus: *grabs Ryoko's hand* "Now... time to ring in the new year MY WAY." *he pulls her close* "Light doesn't have to worry about you vanishing. You will not leave my side."  
Ryoko: "My dear Emperor... I'm worried about Light."  
Mateus: "Ohhh no. You're staying home. I don't care how long he's gone, either. I'll take care of whatever you need while he's out."  
Ryoko: "I won't be a prisoner, Mate-"  
Mateus: *pulls out a collar and snaps it around Ryoko's neck.* "What was that?"  
Ryoko: *smiles slightly* "No complaints."  
Mateus: "That's what I thought." *picks Ryoko up and carries her down the hall*  
Firion: *shrugs* "I think I see it."  
Lynn: "See what?"  
Firion: "What Ryoko sees in Mateus."  
Aria: "It's the sex. That much was obvious. He does a lot more than Light does."  
Lynn: "I still don't trust him."  
Firion: "He did give up his powers to save her from having to remain in the afterlife..."  
Aria: "Yeah. He did."  
Lynn: "But he's still a prick."

*Alis busts through the door, her eyes watering*

Lynn: "Heya, Alis!"  
Firion: "Hey, chica, where's Squall?"  
Alis: *sighs* "Squ... Squall broke up with me."  
Aria: "...what? REALLY?!"  
Alis: "He said he was tired of my whirlwind adventures and that he wanted to go home."  
Lynn: "I'm sorry."  
Alis: "It's okay. I have a job to do here anyway. Where is the princess, anyway?"  
Aria: *points down the hall* "Matty's got her in his snare."  
Alis: *tears are completely gone* "Oooh!"  
Lynn: "I suppose you're gonna go listen in?"  
Alis: "But OF COURSE~"  
Onion: "Bitch be kinky."

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2! 


	40. Light's Quest, part 2: It's COLD!

"Omake!" Season 4, Episode 10 PART 2

Disclaimer: ASDKGNJAWRHBAEHWEDONTOWNSHIT ASDKLHAJSHBJAWRHAQWHDON'TSUEUSADKGANSRBNJAOG

~Fic Start!~

*winter has set in for sure! Light has been gone about... two days now.*

Ryoko: "It's COLD."  
Mateus: "So it is. My homeland never knew such severe cold like this." *shudders under a blankie*  
Ryoko: "I can't believe that the whole town doesn't shut down on days like this. The King puts a sign out in front of the castle that says 'My balls are freezing off! fuck ya'll, today is canceled'."  
Aria: "To be honest, that sounds like something Delita would say."  
Lynn: *nods*  
Alis: *flies in through the window* "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD." *holds up her staff* "Shall I change the season? What would you say to a tropical summer?"  
Mateus: "Please! I'm from a tropical island kingdom!"  
Ryoko: "As tempting as that is, Alis... I don't want to disturb the natural way of doing things. And, the fuck are you doing flying through the window?"  
Alis: *shrugs* "I'm keeping you aware of your surroundings!"  
Ryoko: -._-. "Close the window before I decide I'm tired of looking at you and throw you back out."  
Alis: *closes the window* "So, gals... ever thought of fixing the heater?"  
Aria: "That would be a lot safer than when Ryoko summoned Ifrit."  
Lynn: "Oh yeah that winter was terrible."  
Ryoko: "HEY. You didn't wanna get out of bed and I wanted a heat source. Ifrit did his job. For like... 30 seconds. Before he vanished."  
Aria: "AND HE SET THE APARTMENT ON FIRE."  
Mateus: O_O Ryoko: "...we fixed it."  
Lynn: "Over the course of a year."  
Ryoko: *sigh* "Yeah, yeah..."  
Alis: "You go on a lot of adventures when I'm not around, don't you?"  
Ryoko: "You know me. Adventure follows me everywhere I go."  
Alis: "It's a shame you ran off when you did. You could have kept me out of years of trouble, you know that?"  
Ryoko: "You were warping me before I left."  
Alis: "That's not what I was talking about..." *she sits down* "I met Squall after you ran away from Gariland in search of your brother. It happened like this. I had an idea of where you were headed. You said something about heading to Lionel."  
Ryoko: "Yeah, that was my goal."  
Aria: "She never shut up about it after Lord Ramza found her in the Sweegy Woods being pecked to death by a chocobo."  
Ryoko: "I'm never going to live it down, am I?"  
Aria: "Fuck no, that's blackmail material for a lifetime."  
Alis: "I concentrated on Lionel Castle. It's the biggest landmark that I knew of in the area, as I'd spent my entire life in Gariland. When I cast Teleport..."

*Flashback to Balamb Garden in FF8*

Young Alis: "Whoa."  
Young Squall: *sitting off by himself*  
Young Alis: *thinking* (HE'S HOT!)

*END FLASHBACK*

Alis: "And so he came world hopping with me while I tried to get back to Ivalice. It was a long journey. I think I was gone about four months before I managed to land back here. By then... wow, a lot of the world had changed. It was incredible. The Lion War engulfed the entire continent, I lost the one person I was put in charge of protecting, and I had a boy from a completely different world as a boyfriend."  
Ryoko: "So you just talked to him because he was hot?"  
Alis: "Yeah. Isn't that how you meet guys? You look at 'em and strike up conversation?"  
Lynn: "If you're a normal person."  
Ryoko: "HEY."  
Aria: "Hey, miss main character, it's your turn to get picked on for once."  
Ryoko: "Still, you think if I hadn't run off that you'd be in a better position?"  
Alis: "Well, I wouldn't be here, feeling like I am now. and I'm too bummed out to go back in time and fix it to make it work my way."  
Ryoko: "I don't WANT you to go back in time and fix it. I loved being in Lord Ramza's army. They helped me get the combat experience I needed to safely become what I wanted. And, I got to meet Aria and Lynn. Because I was in the Lion War, I held the Aquarius stone and was sucked into the Dissidia Conflict. That's where I met Light and Mateus. I don't want to do it over. I love how it ended up."  
Aria: "Yeah, I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't picked up by Lord Ramza. Wandering the countryside, probably."  
Lynn: "I'd still be at that terrible warrior's guild. Oh, I'm sorry, Orphanage that trained future soliders to be given to the Duke."  
Ryoko: "I still don't know why he paid for you. You were just twelve."  
Lynn: "He either saw potential in me, or... he pitied me."  
Alis: "Either could be viable, when you think about it."  
Ryoko: "The truth is... I'm very happy with my life. and I think you should be, too, Alis."  
Alis: "Why do you say that?"  
Ryoko: "Are you kidding?! You travel the multiverse at your own whim. You could have practically ANY guy you want, you just have to go find 'im. Any guy. You have unlimited chances, you have unlimited time."  
Alis: "...you know what? You're right!" *she gets up and opens the window* "I'll see ya'll ladies later, I have to find myself a silver haired hottie~" *she raises her staff and warps out*  
Ryoko: *gets up, slams the window, and crawls under Matty's blankie* "Brrrrr."  
Aria: "Okay, fess up. Did you just tell her to leave because you didn't want to hear how she broke up with Squall?"  
Ryoko: "Partially."  
Lynn: "Partially?"  
Mateus: "She is a lifelong friend. I imagine you did want to offer genuine support."  
Ryoko: "Exactly. Part of me didn't want it to get annoying, and part of me wanted to be that supportive best friend I'm supposed to be."  
Aria: "Been there, done that."  
Lynn: "That said, where did Firion and Onion go?"  
Mateus: "Those two decided they are determined to find a working Famicom."  
Aria: "Don't they remember what happened the LAST time they went to find a Famicom?"  
Mateus: "And what was that?"  
Aria: *glares at him*  
Mateus: "That was the... dream magic incident, wasn't it?"  
Aria: "YEP."  
Ryoko: *nods carefully* "I'm starting to think that the hunt for a Famicom is a cursed venture."  
Aria: *opens her phone* "...You know, I could just ORDER them a Famicom if they really want one."  
Mateus: "If you did that, they'd actually find one and buy it."  
Ryoko: "Damn that Murphy."

MEANWHILE...

*Light is on the outskirts of Igros, somewhere on the Mandalia Plains*

Light: *sigh* "It's time I did this!" *looks up at the sky* "Shinryu. I know you can hear me! Come out! NOW."

*the clouds come together and a gigantic, shining dragon appears in front of him*

Shinryu: "The Warrior?"  
Light: "I know you have connections to my father... I want to see him."  
Shinryu: "You wish to go to Lufenia, 2000 years ago?"  
Light: "...what?"  
Shinryu: "Your father was the very first Cid from Lufenia. Each son in the family was called Cid down the line. If you were go to Lufenia now, the current Cid would not know of you."  
Light: "...each son? What about me?!"  
Shinryu: "You were..."  
Light: "TELL ME. I demand to know the origins of my birth and for what purpose I was brought forth, Shinryu!"  
Shinryu: "The Dissidia Conflict was took place in an alternate version of the world Cid was born in. A place built of pieces from every other world within my realm. I... built that world myself, to hold the battles staged by a so-called Goddess, her beloved husband Cid, and their deranged son. But as the conflict continued, Cosmos' beloved could not stand what he created. It was impossible for him to escape with his wife, but he left anyway. This selfish man made a clone of himself and sent him back to that realm to guard his wife in his place. That clone is you."  
Light: "...what?"  
Shinryu: "Or... something like that."  
Light: "Who would BELIEVE such a terrible story?! My 'father' was such a coward that he abandoned his wife and sent a clone of himself, ME, to guard Cosmos after he ran away?!"  
Shinryu: "It's been so long that I don't even remember all of it anymore."  
Light: "We haven't even lived here in Ivalice for more than a year! How do you not remember it?!"  
Shinryu: "You might have lived here for less than a year, Warrior... but the Dissidia Conflict took place over the course of 2000 years."  
Light: "What about... everything? I left... with the intention of figuring myself out."  
Shinryu: "What did you need to figure out?"  
Light: "I've been living with my new family here, and I realized that I am not the same person I remember being during the Dissidia Conflict... I wanted to make sure that I was going down the right path."  
Shinryu: "When you were in the Dissidia conflict, the most important thing was finding your crystal so you could use the power of the Goddess to stay alive even when the darkness was swallowing you whole. The amazing thing about life outside that eternal arena is that there is no right path. You can live however you want now."  
Light: "Bahamut told me that I was to look after Ryoko here, as she had powers of a Pillar. Now, those powers have left her body, as she has died once. I feel... as if I failed her, this world, and my mission."  
Shinryu: "If she no longer has her powers, then it is of no consequence. The world will once again need defending, and if it is what makes you happy, then you can go and defend it when the time arises. But here there is an endless supply of heroes, and you have gone through so much in your lifetime. There is no more need to struggle for the world. Not for you."  
Light: "You're saying I'm retired?"  
Shinryu: "Yeah, pretty much."  
Light: "All I've ever done is fight."  
Shinryu: "And love. In this world, there is more than the endless battles you faced while in the Dissidia Conflict. You see the kind of lives your family leads, don't you? They live from day to day, doing what makes them happy. You are a free man, and you can do whatever makes you happy."  
Light: *nods* "All right. But... can you answer one more question?"  
Shinryu: "Speak."  
Light: "My name. Did I... did I have a name?"  
Shinryu: "Prishe gave you one, yes. Cid never bothered. He figured he would never see you face to face."  
Light: "What was my name?"  
Shinryu: *grumbles* "I don't think you want to know it."  
Light: "But I do!"  
Shinryu: "Prishe named you..." *looks away* "...Bob."  
Light: "You're joking."  
Shinryu: "I'm not the joking type."  
Light: *puts his hands on his hips* "You know what? I'll just keep going by what everyone calls me here. My 'father' was a coward who abandoned his wife, my real name is 'Bob'?! I don't want to be anyone but me."  
Shinryu: "As expected. Go forth, Warrior of Light. Be at peace with the world, for you have done what you were created for, and that was... to ensure that Cosmos was victorious in the Dissidia conflict. She was, and you were allowed to return-"  
Light: "But that's the thing. Shinryu, our worlds denied us access. That is why we are all in Ivalice now. Even those who fought for Chaos are here. I should know. My lady is in the care of one as we speak."  
Shinryu: "Your home worlds are clearly still in existence. The Bahamuts were all there when Ryoko called for just the one of this world."  
Light: "Then why-"  
Shinryu: "Do you want to go back to your home world and give up what you have?!"  
Light: "No, I don't. I am not ungrateful for the life I have here in Ivalice. That is not what bothers me. But if I am NEEDED, if I am SUPPOSED to be somewhere else, then I will not hesitate to do my duty."  
Shinryu: "It sounds to be like you are unhappy with this world."  
Light: "It is not this world which unnerves me. I feel like there is more that I must do."  
Shinryu: *looks around and fidgets a few times* "There is nothing, Warrior. Be at ease. Go home and live your life the way you see fit."  
Light: "Why are you so... finicky?"  
Shinryu: "That's enough, young Warrior of Light! Keep pestering me and I WILL send you back to your homeworld. So long, lady Ryoko."  
Light: *looks down* "As you wish."  
Shinryu: *vanishes*  
Light: "...wait. Did I just SUMMON the all powerful dragon, Shinryu?! Am I a summoner?!" *looks around confused* "I guess I'd better just head home, then..."

AND BACK IN THE APARTMENT...

Aria: "And so I said, 'fuck it, if I'm not going to be dancin', then there's no point!"  
Lynn: *falls over laughing*  
Mateus: "That must have been when Firionel said-" *puts his hands on his hips and makes a really fake manly sounding voice* "-'I'll be the one to do it."  
Lynn: "OH MY COSMOS." *laughing so hard she can't get up*  
Aria: "Nah, nah, he said, 'Nah, baby, dancin' out on a fucking cliff during a blizzard is fucking dangerous, you better get your sexy ass back inside so I can warm it back up'."  
Ryoko: "Your dreams are fucked up!"  
Aria: "Tell me about it."  
Ryoko: "I could, but you just told US all about what you saw in your dream last night."  
Mateus: "And what did YOU see, little samurai?"  
Ryoko: *looks away* "I ain't tellin'."  
Mateus: "Oh?" *grabs her head and puts his forehead to hers* "I'll have a look then."  
Ryoko: "That's invasion of privacy!"  
Aria: *whacks Mateus on the head with his staff* "And it's ILLEGAL."  
Mateus: *lets go and sits back down* "We'll talk about this later, little samurai."  
Lynn: "I'm next! I'm next! I'll tell my dream!"  
Aria: "Fair enough, go ahead."  
Lynn: "I WAS HAVING SEX WITH KUJA."  
Mateus: "ew."  
Ryoko: "...yeah, ew."  
Aria: "I'm gonna have to agree with that."  
Lynn: "Oh fuck you guys."  
Mateus: "Been there, done that. He doesn't give a shit about who he's with. He is not a tender lover. He goes in, finishes what he needs, and he will leave his partner hanging. You don't want to have sex with him. Kuja is terribly selfish."  
Ryoko: "And he's been with Sephiroth. What terrible taste."  
Mateus: "...so? I've been with Sephiroth."  
Ryoko: "And so have I." *crossed her arms*  
Mateus: "Now THAT'S terrible taste."  
Ryoko: *gives him a glare* "You're a whore."  
Mateus: "Correction, my little samurai. I -WAS- a whore. Now I belong to you."  
Ryoko: "I think that statement should be reversed." *winks at him*  
Aria: "All right, all right. Go do the dirty if you must!"  
Lynn: "Yeah we don't wanna see your pillow talk."  
Mateus: "We were just talking about our dreams. That's a kind of pillow talk."  
Aria: "Ahahahahaha..." -._-. "get out of here."  
Mateus: *picks Ryoko up against her will* "If I must go, I will bring along what belongs to me~"

*Suddenly, the door swings open and Light walks in, shining with new confidence.*

Ryoko: "Light!" *leaps out of Mateus' arms, walking up to him with shiny, starry eyes*  
Light: *looks at her and takes off his helmet* "My lady."  
Mateus: "Look who came home."  
Light: "At least I know Ryoko wasn't harmed while I was gone."  
Aria: "Actually..."  
Light: "WHAT HAPPENED."  
Firion: "Nah, Light, she's just fucking with you. We never left home while you were out."  
Onion: "So what all did you do?"  
Light: "I had a conversation with God."  
Lynn: "What does that mean?"  
Ryoko: "So you sought out the Golden Dragon, Shinryu."  
Light: "That's right."  
Ryoko: "I assume you learned a lot."  
Light: "What I learned... is not important. What's important is that this place is home, and that you all... you all are my family." *hugs around Ryoko tightly* "I'll never, ever question that again."  
Mateus: "Even me?"  
Light: *shrugs* "Even you."  
Mateus: *kisses Light's cheek* "I'm honored."

END "OMAKE!" SEASON FOUR. 


	41. The (Early) Valentine's Day Spectacular!

"Omake!" Valentine's Day Special

Disclaimer as said by Cupid: "Fuckshitdamnbitchfuckfuckfuc kityfuckery."  
Moogle: "That's not a disclaimer, kupo."  
Cupid: "Fuck you and fuck your fuckery."  
Moogle: "Kuuupo, you're a terrible cupid."

~FIC START!~

*Lynn has gone back home to Zeltienna for the week, while Alis and Squall are using the spare room. It's still moderately chilly outside, but the deep freeze is completely over.*

...in the kitchen...

Firion: "Yo, check it out! Bartz just delivered a package!"  
Onion: "Well don't hold me in suspense, bro, what is it?"  
Firion: *opens it and his eyes get starry*  
Onion: "What IS IT?!"  
Firion: *holds it up above his head* "Dun dun dun DUUUUUUUNNN!"  
Onion: "It's a FAMICOM!"

*they do their best impression of the victory dance from Donkey Kong Country*

Onion: "Man! This is awesome! Now we can play some Ninja Gaiden! FINALLY!"  
Light: *walks in confused* "What are you boys getting excited over?"  
Onion: "Look, Dad, a Famicom!"  
Light: *stares at it* "Oh, it's so beautiful..." *a single tear flows down his cheek*  
Firion: "Let's hook up this bitch!"  
Onion: "YEYUH!"

*they carry the Famicom into the living room, but the girls have hooked up two PSPs to two TVs and are playing Dissidia Duodecim*

Alis: *is sitting on the couch with Squall* "Oh my Gawd, these two."  
Squall: "Seriously, why don't you play, too?"  
Alis: "Because it's much more fun watching those two get at it."  
Aria: "Firion is totally going to kick your ass!"  
Ryoko: "The Emperor will reign on high!"  
Mateus: *is sitting at the table, reading through paperwork* "When he gets all these forms filled out, he will get back to ruling..."  
Firion: "Whoa, Matty's doing paperwork?"  
Mateus: "While it may be unfamiliar to you, I am adept at management paperwork. At least it puts less work on Aria's shoulders."  
Firion: "Yeah, yeah..."  
Onion: "Okay, you guys have had the TVs for how long now? Give us one."  
Ryoko: "What? Boy, at least let us finish this game."  
Firion: "Ya'll don't even need the TVs to play that game. It's a handheld."  
Light: "That IS true."  
Ryoko: "Oh all right." *pauses her game and unhooks the cords from the TVs* "Come on, gals, we can play in my room."  
Alis: "Why sure we can~~"  
Ryoko: "Not what I meant!"  
Aria: ^^;  
Squall: "So, what's the big deal?"  
Firion: "We got a FAMICOM in the mail today! I'm so giddy~"  
Light: "Why, when I was young-"  
Onion: "About 2.7 gigabazillion years ago..."  
Light: "That's not even a real number!"  
Onion: "Yes it is. Squall knows."  
Squall: *looks horrified* "I... I know it's real..."  
Onion: "Exactly. so, bro, book that shit up."  
Firion: *climbs back behind the TV, then makes a glass breaking noise*  
Squall: "Did you hear something?"  
Onion: "Did the girls break another vase having a pillow fight, or what?"

*he's in there for like, 20 minutes*

Light: "Firion, are you all right?"  
Squall: "Dude, did you get stuck or something?"  
Firion: "I'm... I'm fine..."  
Onion: "Bro, what's up?"  
Firion: *comes out, and he looks incredibly depressed*  
Squall: "Uhh... Firion?"  
Firion: "...the hook ups don't match."  
Light: "What?"  
Firion: "The TV is too new... I... just..." *he stands there, laughing* "We finally have a Famicom and our TV cannot play one because it's digital and doesn't have an analog input... WE FINALLY HAVE A FAMICOM AND I CANNOT PLAY IT!"

*Firion starts going Super Saiyan*

Light: "Oh shit."  
Squall: "Holy moly!"  
Onion: "Bro, what the fuck!?"  
Mateus: *stands up and takes off his reading glasses* "Firionel! Stop this tantrum at once!"  
Firion: *his eyes go all white*  
Mateus: *shrugs* "...you're going to hate me for this." *reaches around and grabs Firion's ass. he pinches it REALLY hard*  
Firion: *snaps out of it* "What the FUCK, man!?"  
Mateus: "I snapped you out of one of your outbursts. You should thank me." *goes back to his paperwork and puts on his glasses* "By the way, my good fellows, have you realized there is a holiday approaching?"  
Light: "There's a holiday coming up?"  
Onion: "I know Ryoko's birthday is soon."  
Light: "Goodness, you're right."  
Firion: "No, there's something else, too. Isn't there?"  
Mateus: *nods gently* "Indeed..."  
Squall: "Wait a minute."

*they stand there for five minutes, staring at Mateus*

Mateus: "You three have no idea what's coming up, do you? ...Light. At least make it challenging for me if you wish to be my romantic rival. It's not fun if I win without any effort."  
Light: "What is that supposed to mean?"  
Firion: "YEAH! My brother is the better man of the two of you!"  
Onion: *walks off to the living room closet and starts throwing crap out of it* "Hey, I didn't know we had a cat."  
Squall: "Huh?!"  
Light: "We don't."  
Onion: *holds up Kuro Neko Sama from Trigun* "What's this then?"  
Firion: "You... found that in the closet?"  
Onion: "Yep."  
Squall: "How did it stay alive, if you weren't feeding it?"

*the cat bites Onion and crawls up onto on top of his helmet, then leaps onto Squall's shoulder, then climbs on top of his head.*

Squall: "Hey kitty what are you-"

*the cat opens its mouth to reveal it has thousands of teeth*

Squall: O_O Light: "Uh oh..."  
Firion: "FLARE IT!"  
Onion: *casts Flare at the cat, but it ends up exploding in Squall's face*  
Squall: *with a cartoony burnt, ash covered face* "Onion, what the hell are you DOING?!"

*the cat bites down on Squall's head*

Light: "There's only one answer to this..." *summons his sword and charges at Squall*  
Squall: "LIGHT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"  
Firion: *grabs his axes and starts flinging them in the cat's direction*  
Onion: "I'm charging another spell!"  
Mateus: *goes back to his paperwork* *muttering* "The little samurai deserves much better than having to deal with the likes of you. Good thing I've all ready made arrangements to get myself a palace." *sighs* "Then this world will be mine."

~MEANWHILE, DOWN THE HALL~

Ryoko: "And so I said, 'that's not a fork. That's a goddamn vibrator!'"  
Aria: ROFLMAO "Seriously, who EATS with a vibrator?!" XD Alis: "Oh you'd be SURPRISED~"  
Ryoko: "She didn't say 'who eats them'."  
Alis: "Oh I heard what she said. And it still stands."  
Aria: "...you don't use one as a fork, do you?"  
Alis: "You wanna test that theory?"  
Ryoko: "Heavens no!"  
Alis: "I mean, I have several in my bag."  
Aria: "Wait, you have a perfectly good boyfriend, why do you have a bag of vibrators?!"  
Alis: *shrugs* "You never know what you might need them for."  
Ryoko: "For fuck's sake."  
Alis: *lets out an evil laugh*  
Ryoko: "We're not doing this."  
Alis: "Yes we are."  
Ryoko: "NO, we're not! I'm gonna go watch your boyfriends play Ninja Gaiden!" *gets up and opens the door*

*Suddenly, Squall runs by on fire with a demonic cat on his head, being chased by Light dressed in his full armor, Firion using Straight Arrow to kill the cat, and Onion casting spells while running. The hallway is full of lots of screaming, screeching, and meowing. Half of the hallways look like magic have bounced off of it, making ashen craters. All of the nice statues are broken and there are THOUSANDS of cat claw marks everywhere. It smells like a mixture of molasses, sperm, laffy taffy, and expired Megalixirs out there.*

Ryoko: "...I, uhh... I guess we are." *shrugs and closes the door*  
Alis: "I knew you'd see it my way."  
Aria: "Wait. What made you change your mind?"  
Ryoko: "I don't even fucking know." *sits back down*

*the door bursts open again*

Mateus: "I hate to disturb you ladies, but..."  
Ryoko: "Oh my HERO!" *clings to him* "Thank you for saving me from my awful sisters!"  
Aria: "I didn't do SHIT!"  
Mateus: "Yeah, like I'd believe that." *looks at Ryoko* "You look frightened... Fear not, you are safe now. Either way, I came to tell you that you can have the televisions back, as the others can't seem to be able to play the Famicom on it. They've found other things to keep themselves entertained."  
Alis: "It doesn't work? That blows."  
Aria: "Yeah, sure does. I plonked 3000 gil on that son of a bitch."  
Ryoko: *rolls up her sleeves* "How about if I make it work, we get to play whatever we want?"  
Alis: "YES."  
Aria: "I think that's fair."  
Ryoko: "Oh I'm gonna have fun with this."

*they go into the living room, avoiding the mess with the four men in the hallway*

Ryoko: *climbs behind the entertainment center*  
Alis: "They're gonna be pissed if she can make it work."  
Aria: "Yes they will..."  
Ryoko: "Hey, get me my toolbox from under my bed."  
Mateus: "The treasure chest?"  
Alis: "I wanna see what's in the Treasure Chest!"  
Ryoko: "NO, not my treasure chest! My TOOLBOX. It has a sticker of Cid Highwind on it! Go get it!"  
Alis: "Aww, phooey."  
Mateus: "As you wish..." *floats away*  
Aria: "I think your heroine senses might be going off."  
Alis: "Yeah I know, I just have an incredible urge to open that chest, now that it's there."

*Squall comes running through the living room, now bleeding from his head. But without the cat. He goes into the kitchen.*

Alis: "...holy fuck, baby, are you okay?" *runs in there after him*  
Light: "Finally! that spawn of Chaos is dead!" *has the cat impaled on his sword*  
Firion: "You were magnificent, brother!"  
Onion: "All hail Light, Warrior of... um, Light!"  
Light: *throws the dead cat into the kitchen trash compactor*  
Aria: "What the hell are you doing in there?! How are you going to dispose of that thing?" *runs in the kitchen* Light: "The only way that we have."  
Aria: "DON'T-"

*Light grinds the dead cat carcass in the sink's trash compactor. Blood splatters everywhere.*

Aria: "-LIGHT GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN!"  
Light: *walks out, looking at the ground*  
Alis: *slumps against the wall* "ohmygodI'mgonnafaint."  
Squall: "Ah, shit... Alis can't stand the sign of blood, you guys!" *grabs a dish towel and wraps it around his head like a turban, then catches Alis before her legs get weak* "I'm gonna have to lay her down."  
Onion: *walks in the kitchen* "Yo, Squall. Sorry I... uhh, blew up your face with Flare a couple hundred times..."  
Squall: "...it's fine."  
Onion: "So here, this is to apologize." *throws an Elixir at him* "Thanks for being a good sport!"  
Squall: *gets covered in shiny healing rainbow sparkles and is completely healed* "Thank you, Onion."  
Onion: *gives him a thumbs up*  
Squall: "Come to think of it... exactly WHY do we all call you Onion?"  
Onion: "Bitches call me Onion because I make them cry! ...well. That's what I told myself for a long time, but don't you remember during the Dissidia War, how lots of us had our memories completely empty?"  
Squall: "Yeah, I remember that."  
Onion: "I'm an Onion Knight. People just decided to call me that because it was my class."  
Squall: "We have our memories back now, though. Don't you have a real name?"  
Onion: "Light has a real name... but he never remembered it. Ever."  
Squall: "But you?"  
Aria: *crosses her arms* "Aren't you going to lay Alis down?"  
Onion: "Aww, shaddap."  
Aria: "That's it! No more Bacon Baconwiches for you!"  
Squall: "What's a..."  
Aria: "GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN. ALL OF YOU."

*everyone walks out of the kitchen except Aria and Firion. Aria looks like she's about to murder Firion where he stands.*

~IN THE LIVING ROOM~

*Mateus is handing tools to Ryoko while she's got herself behind the entertainment center.*

Ryoko: "Give me that twelve hinged dingle hammdriver."  
Mateus: *looks at the tools,incredibly confused* "The fuck is that?"  
Ryoko: *extremely annoyed* "It has a spotted handle."  
Mateus: "Oh..." *hands her the tool with a spotted handle, trying to figure out what it does. It has gears between two deflated balloons and something that looks like a stapler that dangles in the front. It really makes no sense whatsoever.*  
Light: *sits on the fluffy reclining chair that has a blanket with a gigantic R on it.* "Are YOU going to fix the Famicom?"  
Ryoko: "Yes. Yes I am."  
Alis: *looks up* "And when she gets it to work, WE'RE going to play with it."  
Onion: "Oh, no. My brother and I have been trying to find a Famicom so we can play Ninja Gaiden for two whole seasons of this horrible show! We're going to play it!"  
Alis: *is laying on the couch, still half-disoriented* "Well if you wanted to use it, perhaps you should have figured out how it works."  
Light: "Firion tried. And he went nuts after he couldn't get it to work."  
Ryoko: "Matty, dear. Turn the console on."  
Mateus: *flips the power switch and the light turns on* "The light's on."  
Ryoko: "yeah turn the TV to channel 3."  
Alis: "That shit is OLD."  
Light: "But still so beautiful."  
Onion: "Yeah! That's from when we were brand new!"  
Light: "That's why we're the Famicom family."  
Alis: "...wait a minute. YOUR last name... is Famicom?"  
Light: "That's right."  
Mateus: "Ridiculous, isn't it?"  
Alis: "You have the same last name as a gaming console. THAT'S AWESOME."  
Squall: "I just got... Leonheart. It's kinda boring. I mean, at least they could have given me the same name as my best weapon. Lionheart, yeah, that sounds neat. But, no, LEONheart. LEONheart! It sounds so much like 'fuck, we can't call ourselves Lionheart, that sounds really poserish, so let's just modify it slightly and hope no one notices.'Oh but the idiots like Zell notice! 'HEY DUDE IS YOUR LAST NAME PRONOUCNED WITH A 'LION' AT THE BEGINNING, OR IS IT A 'LEON'?!' You know how many times he asked me that? TOO FUCKING MANY, THAT'S HOW MANY."  
Light: O_o;;  
Mateus: "My last name is the same as my homeland, which is befitting of royalty~"  
Onion: "Shut up, Matty, no one cares."  
Light: *turns the TV to channel 3*  
Ryoko: "Is it good?"  
Onion: *stares at the TV* "It's..." *his eyes get big* "...who put a copy of Final Fantasy III in there?"  
Ryoko: "I didn't. Maybe that's what came with it?"  
Alis: "Sweet. Free game."  
Ryoko: *does her best Mordecai impression* "Free Game! Free game!" *comes out from behind the entertainment center and smiles* "The Famicom is ours now."  
Onion: "But MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOM."  
Ryoko: "I got it to work..."  
Squall: "But Firion couldn't because the TV was too new. The hook ups didn't match."  
Ryoko: "that's when you get one of THESE~" *she pulls a little thing out of her pocket* "I picked it up at the Igros Swap Meet the last time I got to go. It's a little do-hickey that lets you plug old stuff into new TVs."  
Mateus: "What's that hanging off of it?"  
Ryoko: "It's a warning label." *reads it* "Be careful with this? Can cause TVs to explode for no reason? ...That's bullshit."

*The TV explodes*

Everyone in the room: O_O;;  
Alis: "Well THAT'S a first! Ryoko killed a gaming machine."  
Ryoko: "I... I don't feel well."  
Onion: "I think Mom's losing her touch."  
Ryoko: "I can fix this..." *she walks over to the TV* "...I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED. NOT BY A GAME CONSOLE."  
Light: "Princess, perhaps-"  
Ryoko: "CAN IT, LIGHT."  
Light: :'C Mateus: "Little samurai, you've done what you can. Leave it be."  
Ryoko: *shoots him a glare* "Do. Not. Command. Me. Your HIGHNESS."  
Mateus: "I don't think it was the adaptor that caused your television set to explode."  
Ryoko: "Oh, you're such a wiz now that you KNOW what made it explode?"  
Mateus: "Honestly, no. Electronics elude my mind."  
Alis: "You and me both, man."  
Squall: "I broke the Balamb Garden computers. Seven times. In three days."  
Alis: "You sure I wasn't stalking you then?"  
Squall: "No, no. It was me. I had caught the Virus. It made all electronics malfunction the moment I touched them. My walkman, too. Can you imagine walking around Balamb Garden without some sort of music on you? That theme they play in it all the time is SOOOO ANNOYING."  
Mateus: "I thought the same. I've never seen any device fail at the hands of my Ryoko. Perhaps you have contracted... the virus, too."  
Ryoko: "WHAT."  
Onion: "They might be onto something."  
Ryoko: *shakes her head, then sniffles a few times*  
Mateus: "It's all right. We'll just keep you entertained in other ways."  
Ryoko: "No." *stomps off, dropping her tools onto the floor* "I can't believe it!"  
Onion: *taps Light on the shoulder* "Go to her, ya idiot. She could use some TLC from you, if you catch my drift."

*there is an empty, awkward, somewhat eerie silence for about five minutes. Light looks positively clueless. Aria walks back in with her hop in hand, wondering what the heck is going on. Firion comes with her, two buckets in her hand.*

Mateus: "Light, listen to me. I tried to tell you before, but I suppose I cannot be subtle with you. Valentine's Day is approaching. I am not the type to keep up with this world's holidays, but in the matters of the heart, I do not budge. If you do not do something soon, she will not care about you any more. My dear little samurai will belong exclusively to me. You cannot be my romantic rival if you do not ATTEMPT to rival my affections." *stands up proudly* "You have to give me some sort of challenge if you wish to be my rival."  
Light: "Are you telling me go in there and talk to her, then?"  
Mateus: *sigh* "You've not a romantic bone in your body, Light. I hate to have to break it to you, but... you do not have what it takes. You will make a good servant for my beloved." *floats down the hallway*  
Light: "That was strange."  
Squall: "I wasn't even aware of the fact that you and Ryoko were a thing, Light."  
Light: "Every time I see her, I..." *blushes* "...I am overcome with emotion. I didn't think I'd need to tell her directly my feelings. I thought she all ready knew them."  
Alis: "With Ryoko, you have to be as subtle as a cast iron skillet to the head. She wants you to show that you want her. Now that Matty's entered the picture, she probably thinks you gave up on her. Light, if you REALLY want her, I suggest you do something before Matty takes all her love for himself."  
Light: "I thought all of the rivalry was going to be over once we became an OT3."  
Onion: "Dad, come ON. That's when the rivalry gets the most difficult! All OT3 means is that you all have sex with each other!"  
Alis: "My, for one so young..."  
Aria: "Yeah, I blame the terrible parenting. I mean, Jecht? Worst dad ever."  
Alis: "But he calls Light 'Dad'...?"  
Firion: "We do that as a joke because Light's the eldest. But he's actually my twin brother. It's hilarious because Bartz actually THINKS he's our dad."  
Squall: "This entire family is the beginning of a bad stand-up joke."  
Light: "Perhaps... I should relinquish her forever and just serve at her side as Mateus suggests."  
Firion: "WHAT?!"  
Light: "I am out of my league. She turned me from a lifeless clone of a coward into a person just by being there with me through the fifth cycle, and I carried those emotions with me through the entire war and..." *stands up* "...I have no idea what to do anymore." *sits back down*  
Aria: "That's IT. Light! I want you to make a decision. RIGHT NOW. Are you going to court Ryoko or not? If you're not, go tell her right this second. I hate it when guys pussy foot around like this! It's either over or it's not!"  
Light: *nods* "I... will tell her right now." *stands back up and marches down the hallway*  
Squall: "Wow, Aria. Nice speech."  
Aria: "Heh, I can be very persuasive when I wanna be!"  
Light: *stops at Ryoko's door and knocks on it, then closes his eyes, trying to gather his composure*

*the door opens and there's another eerie silence for a few moments. Alis, Squall, Onion, Aria, and Firion stand at the end of the hall, watching very closely.*

Light: "I'm sorry I haven't been very honest with you lately. But I... I have to tell you the truth. I'm more in love with you than I know what to do with myself, and..." *his eyes still closed, he falls into the doorway, his lips landing exactly on another pair of lips*

*a kiss happens, tongues come together in perfect harmony. When it ends, Light opens his eyes and realize that he was liplocked with Mateus*

Mateus: *pulls away* "That was positively enchanting. Unexpected, but enchanting~"  
Light: O/O Ryoko: "I understand now, Light. I understand everything."  
Light: "My princess, I-! I-!"  
Mateus: "It's about time he came out of the closet."  
Ryoko: "At least now I know why he hasn't been affectionate to me lately."  
Light: "Do not take this the wrong way!"  
Mateus: "Come, sir knight, and warm my bed with your body." *he yanks Light into the room and the door slams*  
Firion: "Don't do anything to my brother, you ingrate!"  
Aria: "I didn't expect THAT to happen."  
Squall: "I... have no idea WHAT to think about this."  
Alis: "The feeling is mutual."  
Onion: "Now they're a REAL OT3!" Aria: "I guess they are."

~IN RYOKO'S ROOM~

*Ryoko is sitting on the bed, looking out the window. She looks like she's on the verge of tears. Mateus throws Light onto it.*

Light: "You don't actually think I would want to get with this maniac, do you? Princess, answer me!"  
Ryoko: "You confessed your love to him right there."  
Light: "That was an accident."  
Ryoko: "Yeah, right. You kissed him."  
Mateus: "...and after not giving her an ounce of affection for a while? It's obvious you've betrayed your lady for her lover!"  
Light: "You WISH."  
Mateus: "Hmph."  
Light: "This is unfair. I thought you were going to answer the door, not that lout!"  
Ryoko: "I destroy electronics and my love life has gone to shit. My boyfriends are cheating on me with each other."  
Light: "I would do no such thing! Besides, you have TWO boyfriends."  
Mateus: "We COULD do without the extra wheel."  
Ryoko: *sighs* "You might be right."  
Light: "Lies! Slander! Mateus, I demand you explain the situation properly to her highness or I'll castrate you, you conspirator!"  
Mateus: "This is not a conspiracy. You kissed me. I'm so flattered."  
Light: "That's it!" *summons his sword to his hands* "I'll do away with you right here!"  
Ryoko: "Light, stop it!"  
Light: "He has done nothing but interfere in our relationship since you bothered bringing him here to live with us, Ryoko. He should pay for what he has done with what he treasures the most!" *gets up and points his sword at Mateus*  
Mateus: *grins* "What I treasure the most? Oh, my. What a tall order. Tell me, Light, you would give up a piece of yourself to appease your inner anger?"  
Light: "What?"  
Mateus: "What I treasure the most." *he snaps his fingers and Ryoko apparates right in front of him* "This is what I treasure most, sir knight."  
Ryoko: "Matty, put me DOWN."  
Light: *puts his sword down* Mateus: "That's a good start. Sorry, my dear, I just had to prove a point."  
Ryoko: "...I don't even care anymore." *sits back on the bed where she was* "Settle your lover's quarrel somewhere else."  
Light: "I thought you WANTED an OT3!"  
Mateus: "Do not raise your voice. Can't you see she's hurt?"  
Light: "Get OUT!"

*Light shoves Mateus out the door and locks it.*

Mateus: *bangs on the door* "HEY! Let me in!"  
Aria: *sticks her head into the hallway* "Huh?"  
Mateus: "I demand you let me in there! I am not walking in this house BAREFOOT."  
Onion: *runs out of his room snickering* "Hey, Matty, happy fuckin' birthday." *hands him a box*  
Mateus: "...what? it's not my birthday."  
Onion: "...hmm, is there any holidays in your home world right now?"  
Firion: *sticks his head out of the bathroom* "Yeah! There is! FIRION DAY."  
Squall: *sticks his head out of the attic* "The fuck? This APARTMENT has an attic? How the hell did I get in here?"  
Alis: "Sorry baby, trying a new spell out. Oops."  
Mateus: "there is no such thing as Firion Day!"  
Firion: "Ha, fuck you! I got a national fucking holiday for killing your fucking ass. TWICE, MOTHER FUCKER."  
Onion: "Oh cool, well, happy that." *runs away, giggling like crazy* "Keep it. Happy FIRION DAY!" ROFLMAO Mateus: "I don't want a fucking Firion Day gift! Who in their right minds would celebrate FIRION DAY?!"  
Everyone in the apartment: "I WOULD!"  
Aria: "We're throwing a fucking party now! Happy Firion Day!"  
Squall: *releases a bunch of balloons in the hallway*  
Alis: *casts a spell that makes fireworks all over the hallway*  
Onion: *blows into a trumpet REALLY REALLY LOUDLY*  
Mateus: "Do you... give gifts on Firion Day? Wouldn't it just be a day where the whole country just does nothing?"  
Onion: "JUST OPEN THE FUCKING BOX, YOU FAGGOT."  
Mateus: "I am not a faggot! I am BISEXUAL~"  
Aria: "Whatever, come on, let's gather around the Firion Day Tree."  
Firion: "YAY IT'S MY DAY WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *runs by streaking*  
Mateus: "...what in the everlasting name of fuck is going on here?" *opens the box* "Huh there's a letter inside. 'congratulations on your break up. get the fuck out of our apartment and go the fuck to hell. Also, have some complimentary chirp-chirp shoes'?" *looks around* "All right, the joke is over. Ryoko and I did not break up."  
Onion: "You got the BOOT!"  
Mateus: "I did not! Ryoko come out and tell them!"  
Ryoko: *sticks her head out of her room. she speaks in monotone* "We didn't break up. Stop throwing your stupid party."  
Mateus: "Don't carry any enthusiasm or anything."  
Ryoko: "I've heard Light's side of the story, Mateus. You didn't have to FRENCH kiss him."  
Mateus: "I just took the invitation, little samurai."  
Ryoko: "Come on..."

*she lets him in*

Everyone: "...awww."  
Aria: "So, Firion, is there REALLY a Firion Day in your homeworld?"  
Firion: "You bet!"  
Onion: "Whoa, bro, you got your own holiday!"  
Firion: "To remember what I did! ...I KILLED THAT MOTHER FUCKER TWICE, YEYUH!"  
Alis: "Is there a Squall Day in your homeworld, Squall?"  
Squall: "FUCK NO. My world was stuck in a goddamn time loop."  
Firion: "In all seriousness though, I hope those three talk it out, like, extensively."  
Onion: "Or they could all have wonderful make-up sex."  
Alis: "JUST WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, KID?!"  
Firion: "That's my younger brother."  
Aria: *whispering* "His name is Luneth, but he likes to be called 'Onion'."  
Alis: "Ohhhh."  
Onion: "Bro, let's celebrate your day in style! HOOKERS AND BLOW!"  
Aria: "What was that?"  
Onion: "Without the hookers."  
Alis: "And?"  
Onion: "Without the blow."  
Firion: "BUT WITH CAKE!"  
Everyone: "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAKE!"

*they throw a massive party, while...*

Ryoko: "Mateus."  
Mateus: "What is it, my lady?"  
Ryoko: *kisses him*  
Light: "Ewwwwwww."  
Ryoko: *grabs Light and pulls him into a kiss* "Both of you. I think it's time we made this OT3 official. I will not give either of you up. You both belong to me."  
Mateus: *has an evil grin* "I could not imagine it any other way~"  
Light: "As you wish."

*they have a threesome. and it is REALLY intense. You can only imagine what happens during. Yes, that happens. And that. And that, too. Yep. All of that. Who thought Light was such a submissive type? I bet YOU didn't!*

*AHEM! At the Firion Day party!*

*in the living room Alis and Aria are playing the Famicom*

Onion: "What? How'd you get it to work?!"  
Alis: "I warped the TV back from a day ago when it worked perfectly!"  
Onion: "WHAT?"  
Aria: "So we're playing FFIII as per the deal."  
Alis & Aria: *do a high-5* "YEYUH!"  
Squall: "Hmmm, why didn't you do that earlier?"  
Alis: "I just thought of doing it. Why?"  
Firion: "Because it would have saved us a LOT of trouble."  
Alis: *snickers* "Oh, you're hilarious. I like you."  
Aria: "Wonderful sense of humor! Hahaha!"  
Onion: "Hey, bro."  
Firion: "Whassup?"  
Onion: "Isn't it weird how Firion Day falls on Valentine's Day?"  
Squall: "Mateus said-"  
Onion: "Shut up! We'll edit that shit when it goes to formatting for FFN! Right now, while filming, it has to be Valentine's Day! THIS IS THE VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL."  
Squall: "All right, all right. Don't kill me."  
Onion: "So, like I was SAYING, bro. Isn't it weird how Firion Day falls on Valentine's Day?"  
Firion: "That is really weird. I guess we're ALL gonna have sex tonight!"  
Onion: *taps his foot*  
Firion: "You can fap to Tifa porn?"  
Onion: "FUCK YOU MAN, FUCK YOU!" 


End file.
