Naruto 1. The way things are

Disclaimer: Don't own.

Teeny tiny drabble about the nature of things in the Uchiha-Uzumaki marriage.

* * *

"Mmmmnnnn... Sasuke..."

Sasuke raised his head briefly.

"No."

"Oh, come on, man, please?"

Naruto squeezed Sasuke's cock.

"Mhmmm. No."

"I'll do you too… we'll have two rounds… I promise…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"What time is it?"

Naruto moved to look at the alarm clock.

"Eh…"

"What time is it, Naruto?"

"Huh… midnight."

"You do know I have to get up at seven, usuratonkachi."

Naruto whined pitifully.

"Oh, come on, Sasukeeeeeeh…"

"No. Get up here and fuck me already."

"Damn it bastard, I just want you to fuck me, I'm not asking for you to give me one of your kidneys or something."

"Is it your birthday?"

"Um, no."

"Then no."

"You know, my ass loves your cock too…"

"Not as much as mine loves yours. Get to work, idiot."

Naruto moved up with a resigned sigh.

"And don't you DARE come before me, dobe."


	2. Hit and miss

So I saw this video, and this idea just popped and demanded to be written.

* * *

"Oh yeah... yeah... yeah..."

"..."

"..."

"Ouch! What the fuck, teme?"

"What the fuck? Where the fuck is your dick, you cretin?"

"Oh, uh, er, sorry, I think I missed, hehehe"

"Missed? How the fuck can you MISS? It's ONE HOLE! How can you miss the ONLY place it fucking goes into?"

"I-I-I... I was caught in the moment, excuse-me for being human, ok?"

"You might have been all over the moment, but I can guarantee you, you weren't CAUGHT anywhere, usuratonkachi."

"..."

"..."

"Ok, that's it, I'm going to the couch. Goodnight."

"WHAT?"

"I've obviously ruined things for you, so I'm gonna leave you alone, not gonna bother you with my lowly presence."

"..."

"..."

"!"

"Wait!"

"Yes, your ice-prickness?"

"I..."

"I'm..."

"..."

Naruto huffed and opened the bedroom door.

"I'll let you have ramen."

A blonde eyebrow went up.

"And... *huff* I'll buy it."

"Ok."

"Now get here and finish what you've started, I'm feeling a draft."


	3. Harder!

*huffing*

"Harder!"

*more huffing*

"Harder!"

*even more huffing*

"Faster!"

*faster huffing, gasps*

"Harder!"

*huffing, panting, labored*

"Harder, dobe!"

*grunts, huffing, panting*

"Yes, yes, no, no, no, HARDER!"

*labored grunting, panting, huffing*

"Harder, harder, faster!"

*stillness*

"Wha-why the fuck did you stop?"

"I'm doing all I fucking can, since that's obviously not enough, I'm going to get you a jackhammer. Be right back, teme!"

"..."

*clothes ruffling*

"..."

*door opening*

"Get back here!"

*door closing*

"Usuratonkachi!"


	4. Harder?

*gasping*

*huffing*

*panting*

"Mmmmmm yes... harder... faster..."

*more huffing*

"Oh yes, faster... "

*panting*

"Ngh... harder"

*huffing*

"Move it, usuratonkachi! Harder!"

*labored panting*

"OUCH! What the fuck, dobe?"

*stillness*

*labored breathing*

"Too hard?"

"Slow down, damn it."

*deep sigh*

"Ok, I'll start over"

*breathing*

*moaning*

*more breathing*

*grunting*

*more moaning*

*huffing*

*panting*

"Harder"

*more huffing*

"Faster"

*more grunting*

"Harder... harder... harder!"

*labored huffing and panting*

"Yes, yes, yes..."

*loud orgasmic moaning*

*panting*

*labored breathing*

"Good enough, teme?"

"Hn. Could've been harder."

*rolleyes*

"What? You asked!"


	5. Nickname

Naruto and Sasuke didn't give a rat's ass about what people thought of their marriage, but both of them knew exactly what would happen if they displayed their affection in public – both of them were terrified of Sasuke's fangirls – so they resolutely didn't, aside from what they had already done since they were kids.

That had brought up much curiosity about the couple's marital, er, _life_, especially amongst the kunoichi – the male population would rather give that issue as wide a berth as they could, either because the idea didn't appeal to them, or because they had a very healthy dose of respect (terror, more like it) for Sasuke – even before the men were officially married, still in the first days after the war. Not that said kunoichi didn't know what yaoi was (the publishers of Icha-Icha were delighted to receive hundreds of orders to replace Icha-Icha Yaoi collections that had been lost in Konoha's latest destruction), it was just a matter of technicalities pertaining to _this_ specific couple that made them curious.

Hence, it was a resigned Naruto that saw Sakura making the seals for a sound barrier after she resolutely dragged his ass inside her tent back in Konoha, a month after the _Event_ (as everyone had come to call what happened after the end of the last fight). He knew his team mate was going to do that sooner or later, what with all the damn laughing, giggling, snickering and waggling eyebrows she treated them with since they rejoined the troops, which made them either facepalm, blush, or both. Hell, at least it was better than Karin and Ino's damn crying or Hinata's resigned smiles (she had hugged Naruto and whispered that she had been suspicious since the chunnin exams, and was happy for them).

Sakura sat on her cot and crossed her legs. "Ok, now that I got you alone you can spill it out. Tell me _everything_!"

"What everything? Sasuke and I love each other, we came to terms with that, he decided to marry me, I wanted to keep my head on so I agreed, end of story." Naruto said nervously.

"You know what I want to know, baka. Details! What happened when you woke up? Did you kiss? Who started the first kiss?"

"Um, technically our _first_ kiss happened at the Academy…"

"Baka, I mean the first **kiss** kiss, you know, open mouth, tongue molesting, tonsil hockey…"

"Wait, you can kiss with your mouth _shut_? What's the fun in that?"

Sakura's eyes widened. "You both french-kissed THAT time?"

Naruto frowned in confusion. "Um, yeah, we had our mouths open back then, and when we kissed again at the waterfall"

"WHAT?"

"Er, remember that time our hands were stuck together? We fell off a waterfall screaming and, er, it happened again. But it was another accident. So when I kissed him, we just did it like those times, but, heh, it was a lot better 'cause it wasn't an accident, so it went for as long as we wanted." Naruto explained.

"What else did you do? And how did you ever turn Sasuke-kun uke?" She was giving him a predatory smile, "Do you know I lost money because of that?"

Naruto was aghast. "You **BET** on me being the uke?"

Sakura deadpanned. "How do you think I make actual spending cash? Tsunade-shishou didn't pay me to train, medic nin spend a shitload of money on books and I **do** expect to move out of my parent's home eventually, you know. Of course I bet you'd be uke, nobody would ever expect Sasuke-kun to be dominated by the likes of you, no offense. Or that he'd be that loud, for that matter." She blushed. There was probably not a living soul in the allied army unawares of who topped in that couple.

Naruto frowned in confusion. "Dominated? What does that have to do with anything, we're equals!"

Sakura's jaw dropped. "How the hell do you know what uke and seme mean and say _that_ to my face? Wait, you do know what those terms mean, don't you?"

"Of course I do, seme is the guy that, erm, puts his, erm, in the, erm, uke's, huh… you know, and that's it!"

Sakura blinked and shook her head, frowning. "Naruto, seme and uke are both well-established romantic yaoi roles, everyone knows that the seme dominates in bed because he is taller, older, rugged and more experienced, so he starts and does most of everything and doesn't submit ever, and the uke submits to being penetrated because he's smaller, fragile, younger and delicate" she said. "Of course Sasuke-kun **has** to be the seme because he is taller, older-"

"Sakura-chan, having a cock up your ass actually feels damn good." Naruto interrupted, realizing he'd actually _have_ to be descriptive to dispel Sakura's misconceptions.

"Huh?" Sakura gave him a disbelieving look.

"The only reason Sasuke is uke and I'm seme is because he enjoys being fucked more than fucking me. I'll tell you, if it were up to me, we'd switch a lot more, but the bastard won't let me."

Sakura uncrossed her legs and sat closer to the edge of the cot, supporting her elbows in her knees and resting her face in her hands.

"Are you freaking serious? But, but… Icha-Icha…" she asked, fascinated.

Naruto blushed and facepalmed.

"Sakura-chan, Icha-Icha isn't actually based on real life." He fidgeted. "If seme and uke worked the way you're saying, then yeah, I would have to say Sasuke is seme, except he really, **really** likes it up his ass. I think his butt is extra-sensitive or something, he's like addicted to it. It doesn't bother me so much because even though I like it too, I'm not as crazy about it as he is."

Sakura's eyebrow twitched. "So… he doesn't submit or humbly consent to it?"

Naruto laughed out loud.

"Sakura-chan, can you realistically envision the words submission, humble and Sasuke in the same sentence?" She shook her head, and he nodded. "Me neither. I'll tell you something, Sasuke had zero experience in sex up until a month ago. Zero. Zilch. Nada. He had never even used any part of his body except for fighting, and then when I told him I knew how it worked, 'cause I had learned about it while travelling with Ero Sennin, he made me show him, and the moment I touched him there the man went insane, like _batshit crazy_ horny, and decided he'd be the uke without even asking me what I wanted. Remember when he asked you for lube?"

She nodded. Three weeks ago, she had been starting to pack the medical supplies for the trip back to Konoha when Sasuke had unexpectedly shown up on the hospital barracks and pulled her aside, asking her for lube in a discreet manner. The man hadn't even blushed, too, just blinked at her splurting and repeated his request, thanking her and leaving right afterwards.

"Well, he did that because I was too fucking embarrassed to. I had told him we could wait until we got back home to, er, actually do more than make out-"

"Wait, all that noise was you guys just foreplaying? Like, touching and using your mouths only?"

"Yup."

"Holy shit"

Naruto nodded. "So, as I was saying, I told him we could wait to get to Konoha, besides we had no lube and no way was I going to go ask the medics for something that, er, intimate, especially while we were travelling and stuff, and he just got up and five minutes later he came back, dragged my hungry ass out of the lunch line to our tent and abused my dick until I tried running away in the middle of the night."

"I think I remember Shikamaru commenting something, and then Sai started calling Sasuke Wifezilla." She said.

"Yeah, that's why Sai calls him that, though he doesn't call him that to his face 'cause he's crazy, but he doesn't have a death wish. Anyways, I passed by Shika and Temari making out in the forest while I was trying to escape. Then the bastard jumped me at the side of the river and made me fuck him again until I thought my dick was going to fall off from overuse. And then he fucked me, but he said it wasn't as much fun, and made me do him all over again until the next morning, the damn nympho. Damn, speak of the devil." Naruto sighed, sensing Sasuke's chakra approaching.

Sakura dispelled the barrier, and Naruto left, leaving her to ponder for a long time.


	6. Sensibility

"Here you go, two miso ramen, one with extra greens!"

The two men thanked for the food and broke their chopsticks.

Naruto watched with the side of his eye as Sasuke began munching on his vegetables.

"What?" Sasuke asked, annoyed by the watching.

"Huh, nothing. Just something Sakura-chan mentioned the other day" Naruto said, shrugging and continuing to shovel his food down.

Now, Sasuke was used to his husband's chronic rambling thought process, so he decided to ignore what he had said. However, being just a wee bit, _slightly_ paranoid, that decision lasted for all of five minutes.

"What?" He asked with a glare.

"What what?" Naruto asked back.

Sasuke slowly counted to ten, trying to stop himself from jumpstarting the dimwit's goldfish brain with a Chidori.

"I asked what Sakura told you, you goit!" he snarled.

"Oh." Naruto raised his head in thought, and the other customers at Ichiraku's took that as their cue to pay and leave what might become ground zero as quickly as they could. Teuchi and Ayame shared a tired look and began collecting all breakables in silence.

"Well?" Sasuke growled.

"Heh, she said I should stop complaining about all the vegetables you make me eat at home, 'cause you really need the fiber, what with you being extra-sensitive and all. Makes sense, I mean, you'd get really drained if you had an orgasm every time you took a dump." Naruto said, and gave a hearty chuckle.

Teuchi and Ayame crouched under the counter and quickly exited through the back door, as they heard the sound of knuckles cracking.

Naruto set the empty bowl on the counter and smacked his lips.

"Usuratonkachi."

Naruto looked to the stool next to him and felt a cold shiver run through his spine.

"Whu-wha-what happened, teme?" he asked as he felt the glare from hell burn him.

Sasuke squinted, and Naruto ran.


	7. Humanity

One thing that had nothing to do with pleasure, and that Sasuke would never, ever, even in his wildest nightmares, confess to anyone but himself, was the therapeutic side of bottoming.

It wasn't even about giving control over, because he didn't. If there was one person giving control over in his marriage, it was Naruto. Unless Sasuke provoked him so badly that he went crazy, of course. And even then, he took control because Sasuke had made him do it.

No, it was the way he had to deal with his own body, his own sensations, his own emotions, and the responses his body gave.

Sasuke had schooled himself through all his life. He had been brought up to believe that there were things that Uchihas simply did not do, because Uchihas believed themselves to be a class above mere humanity. That had been one of the bases where his insanity had sprouted from.

Embracing the fact that he liked bottoming had made him have to deal with his body, and his body, unlike his twisted mind, was absolutely sure it was human, and behaved that way no matter what Sasuke felt about it. Which was not only humbling, but also liberating as hell.

Take the first time he and Naruto had actually done it. It had been fantastic. Exhilarating. Scorching hot. Life-changing.

It had also been dirty. And he had looked at the remains of their passion, so to speak, with seriously mixed feelings. It was gross. It was nasty. It looked bad and smelled worse. But godsdamnit, it had been totally worth it, so much so that Sasuke got angry at himself for being embarrassed of it – not that he noticed how Naruto, who was looking between his own dick and his lover in horror, was fearing for his own life at that moment – and, with all the dignity he could muster, heated up the water in a canteen and washed the both of them in silence.

They had taken a lot of baths that first night. So many, that the next day Sasuke had decided to go up to the hospital barracks again, in search of advice. He had barged in and looked around with a lost, but still haughty, expression, and froze in place, completely unsure of what to do.

It had been a sympathetic Shizune that had, after observing him a few minutes, pulled him to an examining room and silently handed him an enema kit, before showing him the way out with a compassionate pat on his shoulder.

In that moment, Sasuke knew that Konoha would take him back, and forgive him, because the villagers understood that he was just human, after all.


	8. Gambling

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, everyone! Hope you keep enjoying these humble little drabbles :D

* * *

"How the fuck can Sasuke-kun be a damn homo?" Ino snarled, grabbing another bottle of sake. It was the night after Naruto and Sasuke had joined the ranks, and a sympathetic Sakura was in the Hokage's tent with her best friend and an equally distraught Karin, plus a crate of sake bottles, a happily inebriated Godaime, an amused Mizukage, and a tied-up Shizune, who had found out about the crate of sake bottles when Sakura had decided to let her depressed companions raid Tsunade's stash, and had tried to pry it away from the rabid kunoichi, which had in turn raised the attention of the passing Godaime and Mizukage and led to the Hokage's assistant current predicament.

"How the fuck can Uchiha Sasuke NOT be a damn homo?" Tsunade snorted, happily chugging more sake. Cups had been forfeited for drinking straight from the bottle long ago.

"My Sasuke-kuuuuun!" wailed Karin, noisily blowing her nose.

"Oh, come on, girls, you know all the damn pretty boys are hot for each other. Now Naruto, on the other hand…" the Mizukage snickered.

"Yeah, at least you and Karin aren't the biggest closet doors in the continent!" Tsunade said, shaking with laughter and pointing at Sakura.

"Hmph!" Sakura scowled at them. "At least it shows I was right to never give in to his advances." She took a gulp of sake herself. "Serves him right if he can't walk straight ever again. At least my profit is guaranteed."

"Yeah, duh, lowest spread in any bet EVER, even I should make a few ryo" Tsunade said, and raised her bottle.

As if on cue, a loud, deep moan came from a tent nearby.

All the women gasped.

"Tha-that… that was…" Sakura stuttered.

"**HAAAAAA… NARUTO…**"

The kunoichi were completely silent, except for Ino and Karin, who were quietly sobbing on each other's shoulders.

"**MORE… OH GODS, YES**!"

"THAT'S my brat!" Tsunade exclaimed, falling back on the floor in laughter.

"Noooooooooo!" Sakura screamed.

"Damn you Naruto!" Ino raged.

"My poor Sasuke-kun is being raped!" Karin wailed.

"**DON'T YOU DARE SLOW DOWN, USURATONKACHI****_II_**!"

"Doesn't sound like rape to me…" Tsunade laughed.

The Mizukage whistled in appreciation.

The moaning noises were rising in pitch.

Shizune was doing her best to suppress her laughter.

"**DEEPER**!"

The Mizukage got up and opened the tent, coming back right after, giggling loudly.

"Oh gods… guys… the other Kage are moving out of their tents!" She guffawed. "I just saw the Tsuchikage hurrying out with a sleeping mat!"

"There goes my down payment… damn it, I'm going to KILL Sai for lying to everybody! Dickless my ass!" Sakura snarled, and chugged sake down.

"I'm going to be so broke after this… but I don't care, I haven't laughed this hard in years! Here's to the world's most unpredictable ninja!" Tsunade toasted, tears running down her cheeks.

Shizune and the Mizukage winked at each other. Both of them would be going home a lot richer.

An orgasmic yell almost as high-pitched as a contralto's was heard throughout the camp.

Karin passed out, and Ino threw her bottle at her old passion's tent.


	9. Flexibility

**A/N**: AvidReader: yup, you'd think Tsunade would have learned after all these years. Well, you don't get called The Legendary Sucker for nothing, lol. Thank you for the reviews, keep them coming! 3

* * *

Sakura opened the door to the Uchiha-Uzumaki residence and helped Sasuke to the couch. Ishoo came running from her room, and jumped excitedly on her father's lap.

"Oooow! Ouch! Ahgh!" Sasuke yelped.

"Papa? What happened? Sakura-chan, did you beat him up too hard again?" the girl chastised, jumping away from him.

Sakura laughed. "Nope, we just came back from yoga, Ishoo-chan. Your Papa isn't used to that kind of workout."

Sasuke squinted and looked at her sideways. "How can you even stand after that? There are muscles I didn't even know I had hurting right now!"

"Serves you right for being arrogant, I told you you should start with the beginner's course, but noooooo, Uchihas don't do beginner stuff, right?" Sakura said, grinning smugly at him.

"Hn. Ouch." Sasuke touched his tender inner thigh. In retrospect, he really shouldn't have forced himself so much on that split… but how could he know Yoga was more demanding than Taijutsu?

Naruto had decided to take up the first gate-opening technique training with Lee, and Sasuke, who was not an idiot and knew exactly what Naruto intended with that*, had decided he wouldn't be caught unawares and enrolled in Yoga classes with Sakura's teacher (who was a wizened little old man with the longest beard Sasuke had ever seen), to build on his flexibility.

He had gone into the shala the old man kept on the second floor of a small building in the outskirts of the village and, considering he was a fully trained ninja, had decided to skip the introductory course and head straight to the advanced Sthira Bhaga asanas that Sakura was doing.

He had then gone through the worst torture session he had ever had in his life, and made himself look like a damn fool in the process, no less.

He had lost count on how many times he had literally fallen on his head that evening. His neck hurt. His back hurt. He was absolutely sure he had pulled at least three different muscles in his groin.

And he hadn't even considered starting the Tantra training.

An ice-bag was dropped unceremoniously on his lap.

"20 minutes today and 20 more twice tomorrow. See you Thursday, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura waved at him by the door.

Sometimes he hated being a proud Uchiha.

*As shown in chapter 6 of _Life Anew_.


	10. Jealousy

**A/N**: Can you believe I woke up at 4:30 in the morning on a damn Saturday to write this? I swear, my muse sniffs industrial glue.

* * *

The following events happened soon after Naruto and Sasuke moved to one of the first Konoha apartments rented to the ninja population after the war. It was a one-bedroom affair even smaller than Naruto's previous residence.

Naruto had wondered what the fuck was Sasuke's problem that the Sexy-no-Jutsu had never worked on him ever since he had used it and his female form got a foot in the face.

It couldn't be right. It just **COULD NOT** be. His technique had _ALWAYS_ worked, damn it. And the more powerful the victim, the bigger the effect.

Well, now he knew exactly why his female form hadn't worked. Talk about a Duh! moment. And that, him being Naruto, led to the obvious conclusion that if what got Sasuke horny was his male form naked, then his Harem-no-Jutsu would definitely be worth a try. With a tiny, miniscule, _almost imperceptible_ alteration.

So, it was with a shit-eating grin that Naruto comfortably settled at the table in the tiny living room/kitchenette of their apartment, with a bowl of popcorn, a bottle of soda, and four – that being the largest number he could use in that miserable space if he ever hoped to see anything – naked male clones ready, waiting for Sasuke to come home.

He nearly gushed in anticipation when he heard the door open.

Sasuke opened the door.

He stood there, frozen, his face hidden by his bangs (and then Naruto realized that he should have been sitting in the couch, since he could only see his newlywed husband's profile).

Suddenly, to Naruto's titillated delight, one drop of blood fell to the floor.

Naruto was in the middle of his victory jump when he heard a lecherous cackle worthy of Orochimaru's finest.

"Ku ku ku ku ku"

He carefully sat down again, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. His clones trembled in fear.

Sasuke's clothes burned to cinders while still in his body, as if he had performed a full-body Chidori with fire.

And then, in a flash, the door had been kicked shut, and Sasuke was fucking the four clones. At the same time.

And he was topping.

Naruto's eyes watched, as wide and round as soup plates, Sasuke stick his dick up one clone's ass, four fingers of each hand in another two, and toss the fourth's salad in one quick, fluid motion.

He watched as the man who _refused to fuck_ _him_ put the four clones one beside the other on all fours in the floor and literally played a tune with them. Dude would thrust into one's hole, get a moan, move to the other, get a different toned moan, and so forth successively, like a seal does with honks, but in a much more lewd way.

And his clones, of course, loved it.

They loved every yank in their hair, every spanking, every realization of the original's wildest fantasies in the last few months, _that said original could not hope to have because the Uchiha would not let him bottom to save his life_.

Not that Naruto didn't try to get in the fun. He tried to switch places with one of the clones a few times, but the damn bastard could tell the difference, and would kick him away.

_In the face_.

In that moment, Naruto realized he **hated** his clones' guts. And when the four dispelled, having all cum fantastically at the same time, all of Konoha heard his war cry of rage.

Naruto ripped his clothes off and threw the smirking Uchiha over his shoulder, and headed purposefully to the bedroom, where he proceeded to pound said individual's asshole for four hours straight without reprieve, and only stopped because the neighbors called the fire brigade.

And this is why, forever after, Sasuke had to tie up Naruto whenever he wanted to play with his clones.


	11. Possessiveness

Naruto knew for a fact that his marriage to Sasuke wouldn't deter at least some of the Uchiha's rabid fangirls.

Not that he had any problems with that, his husband being a raging homo and all.

What _Sasuke_ didn't count on, however, was the fact that marrying Naruto, and thus effectively shoving him out of the closet, would make the entire male gay population of Konoha rise up like meerkats whenever the blonde put his head out the door by himself.

Apparently, while Naruto's loud, rambunctious, more masculine figure didn't draw many fangirls, it was just the ticket to get fan**_boys_**.

Sasuke pretended like hell he didn't have any problems with that. It added to his reputation as the #1 most desirable male in the continent to have played Naruto around his little finger like a yoyo for a total of four years, but from the moment his preference as bottom became public, his peace flew out the window.

The thing is, though the gay male population was a lot less deluded about topping and bottoming than yaoi fangirls, the Uchiha family had had a really, _really_ long history of bigotry and the few known gay members of that clan had all been famed as exclusive tops.

That led to the very sensible conclusion that, in order to drive the mighty Uchiha Sasuke into shameless ukedom, Uzumaki Naruto must be a spectacular, fantastic, virtuoso sex-machine top.

It definitely helped the rumors that said Uchiha was completely unable to control the volume of his voice during sex. Not one bird had ever roosted in their neighborhood since they had settled into their small apartment.

He had even tried doing the nasty with one of his clones in henge form as a few other males he admittedly thought were attractive, secretly, just to check if it was really the blonde and not just a general physical preference. No other body, though, made him swing from the chandeliers like Naruto did. And he knew for a fact that he was a great top, at least from Naruto's relentless campaign to switch as often as he could, so it wasn't as if his clone didn't know what it was doing.

After that, of course, Sasuke, being a little slow but not as dumb as his blonde, realized that the rumors must be true: he had not only married the only damn person in the face of the planet that was able to get under his skin, but also _the best top he would ever get up his greedy little ass_.

Not only that: Konoha had a damn fine share of pretty boys like himself on display. Suddenly, Sasuke _wasn't_ unique anymore; Naruto was. Not because he was blonde and blue eyed, the Yamanakas popped blonde, blue-eyed boys by the dozen, but because Naruto was not pretty, he was handsome in a _testosterone-rich_ way. The man even had inherited some body hair from his Uzumaki heritage, and that was a rare commodity amongst ninja period, let alone _gay_ ninja.

So Sasuke _pretended_ not to be concerned about losing his idiot to anyone else outwardly, and **_seethed_** inwardly every time he noticed anyone checking out what was rightfully, lawfully his.

But it wasn't until one fateful day at the onsen that Sasuke began sending disguised clones out to beat the living shit out of his would-be rivals.

Naruto and he had met outside the gates, each returning from a mission, and, being tired and freezing to death in the middle of winter, had decided to relax a bit at the onsen before heading home.

Less than fifteen minutes after the couple was in the large pool, Naruto snoring with his arm behind Sasuke's shoulders, a crowd of other men of various ages had joined them.

There were Riichi and Tatami Iwashi, playfully dunking each other. _Or so it seemed_.

There was goddamned Hyuuga Tokuma's pretty face bobbing up for air, _directly across from Naruto_.

There was Ranka, _pretending_ to be asleep with a strategically poised cloth on his face.

There were Yamanaka Santa and Nara Ensui to one side, _stealing glances_ while whispering to each other.

There were half a dozen fresh chuunin talking to each other, and two more _blatantly staring_ at Sasuke and Naruto.

There were even Kotetsu and Izumo; _what the hell, they were supposed to be a couple_!

Lastly, there was Sai, sitting in a corner with his sketchbook. _Motherfucker even dared smile at him_.

No one in their right mind could blame Uchiha-Uzumaki Sasuke for concluding that a conspiracy to steal _his_ man from him was unfolding right before his very eyes. _Obviously_, none of those men understood and respected the binds of marriage, let alone private property.

And Sasuke had to defend not only his status as a married man, but also the **_property_** lying between said man's legs, which was very much privately **_his_**.

Sai can boast to this day that he was the only male in the onsen to escape the danger concealed in the last Uchiha's angry pout. The ink ninja quickly sidled by and showed that he had been drawing a portrait of Sasuke to the man, smiling and asking if he had liked it.

He was able to survive "**_Wifezilla's Rampage of Absolutely Unfounded Wrath, Because Seriously, Who in Their Right Mind Would Look at Dickless' Non-Existent Penis?_**" as the events that occurred the following night were named for posterity (by him), with only regular wounds: some had all their teeth broken, others had giant tomatoes pushed up their asses (a fact that eluded everyone, until Kiba suggested it might be a message to Naruto that somebody who might be associated with tomatoes wanted him to know they'd be watching if Naruto ever got near forbidden rectums), yet others had been hanged by their testicles from the top of the village gates.

No one dared to complain about anything to the Godaime, and ever since then, the male onsen emptied out remarkably quick as soon as the Uchiha-Uzumaki couple entered the premises.


	12. Healing

**A/N**: Thanks everyone for the reviews, please keep them coming! :D

Another thing, I just read chapter 692 of the manga and, even though I understand Kishimoto's urge to stretch the story to chapter 700, I still feel he made the Sage too stupid to be a Sage. I mean, come on, what kind of wise man would take an Uchiha's word at face value?

* * *

Uchiha-Uzumaki Sasuke would be the first person to agree that he wasn't conventionally sane, if anybody ever had the guts to say that to his face.

The thing is, in the ninja world there were no psychiatrists, no psychologists, and regular people were so generally uptight, let alone ninjas, that nobody had any clue that mental diseases could be treated and cured. That made the life of people with PTSD, like Sasuke, quite hard. And Sasuke not only had been repeatedly and severely traumatized, but he was quite suspicious of how sane he had been to begin with, what with coming from a family notorious for producing crazy psychopathic people.

Even though the Sage of the Six Paths had been wise and, instead of accepting any answer from Sasuke, had made the then boy confront himself and see the spark of reason that still resided within him, his help had only gone up to a point.

Being married to Naruto had also helped in some aspects, especially when it came to understand himself as a human being, no more and no less than any other.

However, he only really marched into true recovery territory when they adopted.

Ishoo wasn't terribly dependent. In fact, she didn't need to be taken care much physically. She was old enough, or stubborn enough, to dress, bathe, go to the bathroom, feed, and keep busy by herself.

However, she needed some attention. And she didn't take well to being ignored. Especially by him.

From the day they had taken her home, and he had picked her up, screaming her head off in fear, from the garden at the school, she expected him to hug, kiss, teach, play and do all the things normal fathers did to their children.

The thing was that Sasuke hadn't had a normal father. His hadn't ever shown him affection at home, let alone in public. All he had as a caring father figure had been the few years with Itachi.

Naruto didn't even have that. Jiraya had never been one for displays of physical affection. But Naruto was naturally good with children, and he quickly adapted to Ishoo's cuddly nature.

Sasuke wasn't used to that. So when Naruto brought home a crate full of plush animals, alongside Sakura, who had brought a full set of plush dolls representing all of Naruto's friends, the little girl herself and her parents, in the second morning after Ishoo moved in, it was a terrified Sasuke that was demanded to present the toys to his daughter.

He tried to reason that he wasn't the one who was giving the gifts, but neither Naruto nor Sakura cared. "Tough titty, teme, it's going to be you playing with her most of the time because baa-chan wouldn't give me time off, so you better start getting used to doing it right now", Naruto had said.

It had been one thing to instinctively pick up the child so she would stop crying, and carry her sleeping form around town while they bought supplies to settle her at home. Sasuke did have a decent heart, after all.

It was another to sit down and play with dolls. He didn't even know how to start, being A) Uchiha and B) a man.

"Nonsense, Sasuke-kun, all you need to do is to show her the toys and let her lead, quit being a coward and man up to it!" Sakura had said, knocking him upside the head and shoving him towards the couch, while Naruto dropped the crate of toys in his arms.

Ishoo was sleeping on the couch, curled around herself. Sasuke looked back at Naruto and Sakura, who crossed their arms and gave him poignant looks.

He sighed, and sat on the floor next to the couch, knowing his mate and his friend would just watch him until he got the deed done.

He pushed a lock of hair away from Ishoo's eyes, and called her softly.

The little girl snored at his face.

He scowled at Naruto and Sakura's giggles, and called her again, touching her shoulder.

She turned around and told him to go away.

"Isn't that cute, she's just like Sasuke-kun!" Sakura whispered to Naruto, who snickered and nodded. Waking up the teme was just as hard.

Sasuke scowled at them, and analyzed the problem in front of him.

Here was this sleeping child who obviously didn't want to wake up. In the kitchenette, sitting at the table, were two adults who wouldn't leave him alone until he presented the sleeping child with the new toys.

He could:

1. Drop all the toys on top of the child and let her sort them out. That would be effective in waking the child up, he supposed, but as he stood and picked up the crate to feel for its weight, he heard a loud "A-ah-ah! No sir!" from the table. So much for that, then.

2. Put the child in the toy crate. The only problem was that the crate was filled to the brim with toys, and would probably topple with Ishoo's movements, which would lead to his head being knocked again, this time by both Naruto and Sakura.

3. Use one of the toys to wake the girl up. That seemed a safe enough tactic.

Sasuke nodded to himself, and pulled up one of the plush animals, a colorful and furry butterfly. He then began tickling Ishoo's nose with it.

The girl scratched her nose and opened her eyes.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!"

Ishoo jumped out of the couch, knocking Sasuke backwards into the toy crate, which toppled over their heads as they fell and broke, the cheap wood splintering and almost taking one of the girl's eyes out, if not for Sasuke reflexively embracing her.

In a split second Naruto and Sakura were there, helping him sit up and taking the broken crate away.

He looked down to see the girl panting against his chest, grabbing his shirt as a lifeline, and felt something dark break and dissipate inside him, being replaced by a warm, soft feeling. He shooed the other two away, and delicately tousled Ishoo's hair.

"Ishoo-chan? I'm sorry for scaring you, baby. Look up, please" he said in a soft voice.

Colorful eyes faced him as the little girl slowly moved her face up from his chest, and Sasuke smiled,

"Don't be afraid, it's just a butterfly. See? It's for you."

Naruto and Sakura watched raptly, as Sasuke began showing the toys to Ishoo. The man presented each, and soon the little girl was happily playing with him, firmly planted on his lap while they made up little battles and stories. And when he presented her with hers, his and Naruto's likeness, he called Naruto to hug them, just as she was making the dolls hug.

Sakura had to excuse herself and hide her happy tears in the bathroom. Naruto couldn't, so he showered Sasuke with kisses instead.


	13. Vanity

Despite what everyone thought, Uchiha-Uzumaki Sasuke wasn't vain. He knew he was the most beautiful male specimen in the continent, and that was it.

Or so he thought, until he and Naruto adopted their kids.

Sasuke always thought his kids were way more physically blessed than him.

Why? Because if there was one physical attribute of his that Sasuke _HATED_ was his straight, droopy, dork-looking natural Uchiha hair. And that is why he made sure to keep his own damn hair as dry as it could be ever since he was old enough to notice it, washing it with the harshest, most caustic soap he could find, so to stick up with a layer cut. The fact that he had extra-oily skin on his scalp was what made his bangs droop over his face, and no matter what he did, the damn things wouldn't stay up, dropping ridiculously around his face, much to his chagrin.

He only kept them long because the one time he had cut them, the damn things stuck out to the sides of his head and made him look like a psychotic clown, which in turn put Orochimaru literally in stitches, because the snake-sannin had been opening up a subject when a fuming Sasuke entered the laboratory demanding to be trained, and the scalpel had gone everywhere as he rolled on the floor, laughing so hard it had taken Kabuto over an hour to subdue him.

Naruto had commented on Sasuke's _small_ obsession, because Sasuke's hair soap actually **ate** the other soaps that dared go near it, and he had once burned his skin mistakenly using it to bathe, so badly that Kurama had complained about it.

He tried to be kind about it, even mentioning that he himself had no issue with straight hair; Itachi didn't wage war against his own and he had been handsome. Sasuke beat Naruto's shit out of him until he took the compliment back, and when Naruto said right after he loved Sasuke even with his obsession into turning his hair into a weird duck butt, Sasuke beat five different kinds of shit out of him again for good measure.

And then he fucked Naruto's brains out, because he loved the usuratonkachi too.

So then when Ishoo asked her fathers to have her hair cut short and layered like Sasuke's, he reluctantly agreed to it, but marveled at the result.

Her hair was wavy and thick, something they didn't see when it was long. Layered, it settled like wings around her head, including her short bangs.

He knew everyone in Konoha turned their heads to look at her amazing hair. It looked good in any situation: clean, dirty, wet, dry, brushed or not, in rain or drought weather. It survived anything. Hyuuga Hinata was jealous of it. Sakura and Ino were known to have looked at it and run away to cry their hearts out over a gallon of ice-cream.

And then Amachi came, and drove Konoha crazy.

No one in Konoha had afro hair. No one in the entire continent had an afro like Amachi's.

The thing was almost alive, it was that wild. It was the exact opposite of everything Sasuke hated: it was big, it screamed its wild curls, and it defied gravity while framing the boy's beautiful face perfectly.

Henceforth, as all the fangirls automatically shifted their attention to his son, Sasuke relished being dethroned, and not because he was relieved of having those damn women and their rabid vaginas running after him – which he was, thank the gods for small favors – but because he was happy as hell that at least two Uchihas would be known forever for their _**naturally**_ **_awesome_** hair.

And he was the proud father, so it was all because of him, genetics be damned.


	14. Pride

Sasuke had never had a whiff of alcohol in his entire life.

Firstly, the Uchihas abhorred the stuff as conductive to all kinds of shameful behavior.

Secondly, Orochimaru wasn't an idiot, and wanted to keep the young Uchiha as healthy as he possibly could before taking over the body.

Thirdly, Sasuke was so engrossed in his revenge that, like having sex, drinking never even crossed his mind before he came to his senses in the battle against Madara.

That led to an alcohol-virgin Uchiha-Uzumaki Sasuke to mistake a pitcher of Bloody Mary for a pitcher of well-seasoned, chilled tomato juice at a house-breaking party in Sakura's new apartment.

One hour later.

Naruto was tired, but happy. S-rank missions were rare after the war, and the extra money would come in handy. He was happily crossing the village gates when half his friends all but trampled him.

"Oi! What the fuck! Watch where you're going, dattebayo!"

Sakura stopped and shook him upright.

"Naruto! Thank Gods you're here, you got to help us! Sasuke-kun went crazy!" the kunoichi frantically yelled at his face.

Naruto shook his head.

"Huh?"

His eyes widened. "Fuck, what happened? Did he kill anyone? Where are the kids? Where did he go? Don't let anybody kill him until I get there!" he screamed in panic, running after Sakura.

"The kids are with Choji, they're fine. He went to my new apartment to return some left over medical supplies he had borrowed for his last mission, we were having a house-warming party and – "

"You were having a party without **me**?" Naruto interrupted with a pout.

"I couldn't wait for you to come back, I had some relatives in that are leaving for the Capital City tomorrow, I swear! I was going to have two parties, one for family and one for friends, but then Sasuke-kun asked if I could get him a glass of water and I told him to grab whatever he wanted from the table and he found the Bloody Mary pitcher, and then before I knew it he was running out!" Sakura said in one breath.

Naruto fell from the branch he was jumping from, face first in the ground.

He got up and asked, with his hands on his face:

"Ok, wait. Do I dare know what the fuck a Bloody Mary is?"

Sakura was already next to him, looking guilty.

"Er… it's a tomato-juice based drink, with vodka. Vodka is a kind of distilled alcohol beverage from the land of Ice; it doesn't really taste like anything, so it's ideal to make it, my uncle loves it…"

Naruto slowly slid his hands down his face. He hardly dared ask the next question, but since it involved Sasuke and tomatoes, he had to. "How much did he have?"

Sakura bit her lip and grimaced. "About the same as if he had drunk five sake bottles, I think, Vodka is about two times as potent as it, and he drank a quart of it in a half gallon of Bloody Mary."

"Oh fuck…" Naruto groaned.

"I swear, I just left the living-room for five minutes, and when I came back he was naked with his boxers on his head, screaming and jumping out the window, we didn't have time to grab him back into the apartment, my dad tried but he did a full-body Chidori and we had to put out Dad's moustache before the fire reached his hair!" Sakura whined.

Naruto sat down on the forest floor. It was just too much to take. And right when things were starting to settle down, too. Tsunade had even stopped knocking his noggin every day.

"Ok…" he tried to think of something that wasn't a naked, drunk, deranged Uchiha running amok. "What did he do when he left your apartment? Where is he headed to now?"

"Well… Hinata said she saw him running toward the old Uchiha cemetery with his eyes coming in and out of Sharingan without control, Konohamaru said he saw Sasuke-kun pissing on his father's grave laughing and screaming _Take that, you conceited motherfucker!_" she started.

"Holy pork ramen with extra eggs..." Naruto whispered.

"And then he turned back and ran to the village square where your statue is, Choji said he climbed it and swung his dick around like a pinwheel, screaming _See this blonde down here, bitches? See that dick? That dick be __**MINE**__, it's __**UCHIHA PROPERTY**__! __**I**__ have tamed the Kyuubi with __**MY HOT ASS**__!_" she made sure to use the same inflection and volume, "And then… and then he swayed, and raised his head, screamed _Madara! I'm coming for you!_ and ran out of the village, and then you came in and we stumbled and here we are… please don't kill me…" she looked ready to cry.

Naruto stood up. "He said Madara, right? Ok, I know where he's going. Go back and stop anybody else who might be coming, I'll deal with him." He ignored Kurama's rage filled cries as he jumped to the trees.

Sakura nodded dejectedly. "Good luck, Naruto."

Naruto took ten minutes to reach the others.

"How far ahead is he?" He asked Kakashi, who was ahead of the small group consisting of Lee, Shikamaru, Temari (who had been visiting the village at the time and wouldn't miss the hunt for anything), Ino (who had been in the square with Temari and Shikamaru at the time and had almost fainted before joining the hunt), Sai, Kiba and Hinata.

"Something around five minutes, we had to call the medics to take care of the casualties" Kakashi said.

"Casualties? Sakura didn't tell me he attacked anyone!" Naruto shouted.

"Massive nosebleeds, and two elderly people slipped on the blood. One of them broke a leg. Major pain in the butt, seriously." Shikamaru said.

"Hey Dickless, didn't you mark Wifezilla with the Hiraishin?" Sai yelled from the back.

Kakashi held Naruto's arm before he could form the seals. "Don't even think about it, too dangerous."

Naruto nodded. He didn't completely agree, but didn't want to startle Sasuke into doing something stupid at the best of times, let alone with alcohol driving the bus. He saluted to the other ninja, and sped ahead.

He reached the Valley to see Sasuke spreading something on Madara's statue's mouth.

"Like that, you son of a bitch? Eat shit, motherfucker! All my fucking problems are **YOUR FAULT**, you asshole! You and your fucking _mighty_" he flicked shit on the statue's eyes "_perfect_ little _Uchiha_" he punched his dirty hand up a stone nostril "fucking shitface **_ATTITUDE_**!"

Naruto went to the top of the statue. "Um, Sasuke?" he called shyly.

"You and your fucking good-for-nothing pride killed my whole fucking family, you _RAT_! And guess _WHAT_, the only one left is _ME_!" he pointed both thumbs at himself, swaying a bit on top of the statue's nose, "Yeah, _ME_! Lil' ole dumbass cocksucker second-best **_ME_**! Take _THAT_, you piece of shit! Y'all fucking high and mighty assholes! You killed _MY MOMMA AND MY BIG BROTHER_, you sonofabitch! They couldn't even meet my kids because of _YOU_!" Sasuke kicked the statue between its eyes, and started jumping up and down its nose, holding his bare foot, "Ow, ow, ow! I fucking **_HATE YOU_**!" he screamed.

Naruto crouched and stuck his head over the statue. "Um, teme? Are you ok? Anything I can do for you?" he asked meekly.

Sasuke looked up at him with a scowl, then down back at the statue's face, then up at him again, visibly thinking. The man's eyes changed from black to Sharingan red continuously.

"Yeah, there is something you can do, usuratonkachi. Come down here so I can suck your cock on Madara's motherfucking arrogant face!" he called up.

Kakashi and the others had just come out of the trees, and skidded to a stop.

Naruto's eyes went as wide as dinner plates. "Er, whut?"

Sasuke jumped up and pulled him close by his jacket.

"Do you love me, Naruto?" He asked quietly, and started nodding. "You love me very very much, don't you, dead last?"

Naruto nodded, noting that he could only see Sasuke's serious-looking eyes and nose through the leg opening of the boxers he was using as a mask.

"Hn" Sasuke continued, still nodding. "If you love me, you_ WILL LET ME SUCK YOUR COCK ON MY FUCKING DEAD GREAT-GREAT-UNCLE'S FACE_**, ****_BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME, RIGHT, USURATONKACHI?_**" he asked, electricity gathering on his fists.

Naruto nodded quickly, crossing his eyes and dry swallowing as Sasuke rested his forehead against his.

"Suck my cock on Madara's face? Sure, I'm comfortable with that." He said in a soothing tone, giving a sheepish little smile. He didn't dare look sideways to his friends.

_'__Please gods, help me… help me get my dick up before the crazy drunk puts a Chidori through my chest again… pretty please with lots of sugar…'_ Naruto thought, as the naked, boxer-masked, shit-smeared man pulled him down to the statue's nose.

"Holy shit!" Kiba whispered from behind a large bush, where the group was hiding. "You think Wifezilla is really gonna do that?"

"I don't know, all I know is I AM gonna get me some yaoi action!" Ino said, starting up.

"**_UCHIHA FUCKFACE MADARA!_**" Sasuke yelled, holding Naruto by his jacket beside him.

"The fuck, Ino-pig, can't you see Sasuke-kun is out of it, you pervert?" Sakura said while jumping next to them, pulling Ino's hair.

"Yeah, Ino, come on, give him some respect, please…" Hinata said, frowning at the blonde.

"Exactly! If anyone is going to watch it should be me, I'm their team mate!" Sakura amended, violently tugging Ino down.

"**_SEE THIS DUMB BLONDE HERE? REMEMBER HIM STUFFING YOUR FACE FULL OF RASENSHURIKEN? GUESS WHAT, THIS IS MAH MAN NOW! YEEEEAAAH, MOTHERFUCKER, LET ALL PRUDISH STUPID DEAD UCHIHAS KNOW THAT UCHIHA-UZUMAKI SASUKE IS A RAGING HOMO!_**" Sasuke shook Naruto in front of the statue's face while talking, the blonde's eyes shut while he busied himself praying for an erection.

"Sakura! I'm right here, dammit!" Lee growled, while Sai giggled behind him.

"Hmph. Everyone shut up and stay here, me and Shikamaru will go out there and hold Sasuke back if he snaps on Naruto." Kakashi said, and motioned to Shikamaru to follow.

"Y'ALL THOUGHT YOU WERE SO FUCKING BETTER THAN EVERYONE WITH YOUR FUCKING STUPID SET WAYS TO LIVE, **GUESS WHAT**? THE ONLY ONE LEFT ALIVE WAS THE SECOND-BEST! AND YEAH, ME AND THE DEAD LAST HERE ARE REBUILDING THE CLAN ALLRIGHT, WITH BETTER FUCKING GENES THAN THE **ROTTEN SHIT **YOU SONOFABITCHES PASSED TO ME! I SPENT ALL MAH FUCKING CHILDHOOD BEING PUT DOWN BECAUSE ITACHI THIS, ITACHI THAT, _ITACHI'S DEAD_, MOTHERFUCKERS! HE DEAD **BECAUSE** OF YOUR UCHIHA PRIDE!"

Sasuke shoved Naruto against the statue's face and unzipped his pants, grumbling, while Naruto did his best to keep stuck to the statue and get hard while hanging on the slippery surface to avoid falling down the waterfall or accidentally distract his alcoholically deranged husband, who was currently too occupied sucking on his cock to remember using chakra to avoid falling to certain death hundreds of feet below.

'Let him fall, good-for-nothing crazy Uchiha, telling people his skinny ass tamed me…' Kurama grumbled.

'Let him fall? Are you fucking insane? He'll rip my dick off, you stupid fox! Keep your mouth shut if you won't help, damn it! I can see my life flashing right before my eyes!' Naruto yelled at the fox, trying to concentrate on Sasuke's mouth around him and not on the vertiginous drop.

"Wow. If they actually survive this, I'll be happy to not be around Ms. Congeniality when he wakes up tomorrow…" Shikamaru commented, while Kakashi took pictures of the couple, snickering.

'Fine, fine, I'll help. Just don't ever think of mentioning this to anyone, I'll deny it to my grave' Kurama grumbled again. Naruto felt his dick miraculously come to life, and sighed in blessed relief when he felt that familiar coil in his gut.

"Teme… I'm gonna cum" Naruto said, hoping like hell it'd make Sasuke remember to stick to the stone with chakra so not to fall when his grip slipped.

Sasuke looked up with a vicious grin.

"**_ATTENTION ALL YA DEAD UCHIHA BITCHES! THIS IS WHAT UCHIHA-UZUMAKI SASUKE THINKS OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HOMICIDAL UCHIHA PRIDE!_**" he yelled, pumping Naruto to completion all over his face, pulling the blonde off the stone face for a kiss and slipping them both off the statue in the process.

"Shit!" Shikamaru yelled, sending his shadow over and missing the couple by a millimeter.

"Naruto! Hiraishin!" Kakashi screamed, and put a trembling hand over his chest when the couple disappeared in a yellow flash.

"Damn, I'm getting too old for this shit" Kakashi said, sitting down and panting.

And that is why, henceforth, Bloody Marys were prohibited in Konoha.


	15. Doom

**A/N**: Because the day after is also worthy of notice. Btw I was myself a victim of the warm water with salt + olive oil combo, do **not** recommend it. And yes, I have no sympathy for the drunk. My wife got smashed for the first time of her life on her birthday party and I found her lying down on her friend's kitchen floor. I turned off the light for her and went back to the party after laughing. Hey, at least I didn't give in to my urges to take pictures to use as blackmail later. But i did post about it on Facebook. Good times.

Thanks everyone for your great reviews! Keep them coming, I also accept suggestions on themes for these drabbles (as long as they stay in the SW-verse and are Sasuke-centric).

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*click*

A bleary eye opened and shut.

Padding of small feet approaching.

Bleary eye opened again, saw two pairs of small feet, one black, one white. Eye closed, mouth groaned, body hid further under blankets.

"He better wake up soon, the stench is getting _amazing_."

"Is it? Can't smell anything, this nose is plugged."

"Yup."

"He's gonna be real mad if we just leave him like this, won't he? I would be. Especially if somebody came up to see me, yuck."

"I heard Chouji-san say plain warm water with salt is a surefire cure. Or olive oil. Said it cleans the tubes up a treat."

Small sound of shuffling feet.

"You sure? Didn't you learn how to deal with this kind of stuff before?"

"Nope. But Chouji-san's family is supposed to be expert in this kinda stomach-related stuff, isn't it? And he drinks, too. Hariko said the adults are always getting smashed at their parties. Makes sense for him to know quick cures."

More shuffling.

"Hn. Fine. We'll try both, then, so he'll be all better when tou-chan comes back from cleaning all the mess."

More padding.

*click*

Blessed silence for half an hour.

*click*

Soft padding.

"Papa?"

"Nnnghm"

"Chichi-ue, we brought you medicine."

"Hghhnnmmmmbbrrrlll"

Double sighing.

"We just want to help. You're covered in shit, you know."

Eyes widened under the blanket.

"Urgh… what happened?" a weak voice asked.

"Chouji-san said you drank something that made you sick and then all hell broke loose or something, all we know is that Oyaji got you back here an hour ago and left saying he had to wash the mess off before baa-chan skinned both of your hides. We got medicine to make you better so you can shower."

Pale fingers slowly pushed the blanket down to reveal a ghastly sight.

"Medicine?" the ghastly sight asked in the same rasped, tentative voice.

A glass of turbid liquid and a spoonful of oil were presented.

"Need help to get up?"

Arms tried to push a wiry upper body, and failed miserably.

"Owwwwwwwwww…"

Small strong arms manhandled the body up into a sitting position.

"Ewwwwwwwww… what did you do, Papa? It's, ugh, everywhere" the girl – his daughter, he now remembered – let him go and pressed her nose closed.

He tried to remember how to smell. It took a few seconds to kick in, and, when it did, he tried to forget it all over again.

'What the fuck happened?' he thought, trying to lift the fog covering his mind. All he remembered was going to Sakura's new place to return some shit, then drinking some tomato shit, and now he was sitting on... his… bed… covered…

O shit.

"Gimme that" he growled, and quaffed the turbid liquid, which was in fact a glass of hot water with what seemed all the salt in the Fire Country in it. He opened his mouth to cough, and was forced to swallow the oil.

"Ok, there we go. Should work any moment now" a young male voice – his son's – said.

He began thinking of the many ways he'd maim the usuratonkachi for letting their kids see their father in such a predicament, but was interrupted by a sudden rush from deep down his insides, that made him jump to his feet in panic and run to the bathroom while trying to hold the vomit erupting from within.

"Damn, that works fast. Akimichis sure know their medicine."

"Chichi-ue's tubes will _sparkle_ after this, look at that; ain't it the rice and egg we had for breakfast yesterday?"

'Sasuke. Uchiha-Uzumaki Sasuke. That's my name. Weird, to remember your own name when your guts are trying to escape through your own mouth' he thought, while recognizing something he was sure he had last eaten three days before.

"I'm gonna go clean the room and stuff, better put the futon out to air even if tou-chan did cover it before dumping you on it. Don't worry about anything; just let it all out of your system."

Sasuke waved a hand weakly and went back to trying to remember just what the fuck had happened to him while watching a whole week of meals pass before his eyes (and, before that, his guts).

*click*

He tried to poke at his memory, unafraid. Obviously somebody must have attacked him, dragged him somewhere and used him as a canvas for a post-modern piece of art made with human excrement. Nothing else was plausible.

That reassured him, until he was left to dry heaves and shakily stood up to relieve his burning bladder.

He remembered being angry at seeing Sakura's relatives and remembering he and Naruto didn't have any to show their own hard-earned home to. And feeling hot. And avenge-y. Especially after remembering having to present his kids to his family at the Uchiha shrine, because even the few that had truly loved him were long dead and buried at the family cemetery.

He remembered flashes of himself running naked on top of the roofs. With his boxers on his head.

And, poetically, as he finished his deed, he looked down at his dripping dick and remembered covering his father's grave in piss.

Then it all rushed in, because misery loves company, even as memories.

A long, loud, shrill wail was heard through the house.

Naruto was going to leave him for the shame.

Tsunade would lock him in jail for sure. Worse, the loony-bin. And throw the key away.

His own children would renounce his name…

And he had tried so fucking hard to escape the Uchiha curse, too. To not show how much all the crap that Madara had pushed on his life had fucked him up. How much it still hurt. He had let the ghosts of his family go, but it seemed that even after all he had done to try to drive his pain to something productive, to live with the satisfaction that he was doing something so no other child had to go through what he did, it still lurked at the back of his worthless brain, ready to leap out when least expected.

"Tadaima!" a tired-sounding male adult voice greeted from the front of the house.

Sasuke leapt into the tub and lay curled down on the bottom, terrified like he had never been in his life, not even the fateful massacre night.

"Okaeri!" two children's voices greeted back.

Sasuke wondered if he had time to put a Chidori through his own chest before Naruto found him. Then he remembered all the work he had put his family through already, and felt unable to make them clean even more shit because of him.

"Where's the bastard?" he heard from far away, under the shameful screams of one thousand Uchihas in his head.

"Bathroom. How was it? Oooh, dinner!"

"It was _AWESOME_! Lemme get him out and then I'll tell you all about it, dattebayo!"

'Awe-what?'

A teeny-tiny, molecular fleck of hope nudged Sasuke's heart, not enough to make him move away from his fetal position, but enough to make him stop trying to kill himself by holding his breath.

*click*

"Teme? You alive yet?"

Sasuke tried to hold the tiny whimper in, but couldn't.

A curious blonde head hovered above the bathtub.

"You ok in there? Need anything? Hot water, soap, coffee, aspirin, a blanket to hide under?" Naruto asked in a humorous voice.

Sasuke hid his head under an arm.

"You know, what you did was so epic, even Tsunade baa-chan is proud. Said it was a major breakthrough, and that she didn't think you had it in you."

The wretched body at the bottom of the tub froze in confusion.

"And hollering out our gay pride like that? Respect, man. I think there wasn't a single closet left closed in Konoha after what you did; _Kakashi-sensei_ put on a rainbow mask, can you believe it? Now _that_ was revolutionary."

"Stop making fun of me" Sasuke grumbled.

"Making fun of you? Shit, I heard Sai is working on a doujinshi of us, you made us that popular. Hells know how he intends to make that blowjob on Madara's face look sexy; I was so worried you were going to fall there, I swear, there will be a feast on our shrine to thank the ancestors for that miracle boner. I might even give Kurama a doggy treat."

Sasuke winced, as the images of what he had done played on his mind. Miracle boner indeed, he was sure he himself wouldn't be able to pull _that one_ off in a million years.

"Oh gods, what was I thinking…" he moaned, curling tighter around himself and wishing the earth would swallow him whole.

Naruto snickered. "You weren't thinking, asshole, that's all the point of getting smashed. We were all scared shitless at the time, but now that all the blood and shit is gone -"

An eye was made visible. "Blood?"

Naruto nodded. "Massive nosebleeds all over the village square. On second thought, considering you pulled that off while swinging your dick around with your boxers on your head on top of a statue, that doujinshi thing might make Sai a rich man."

Sasuke groaned. "Please put me out of my misery…" he pleaded.

Naruto giggled, and opened the water faucets, making Sasuke cringe away.

"Come on, let's get you presentable, we got ramen for dinner and I'm hungry, even with help it took a truckload of clones to clean up all that mess."

"You're not ashamed of me?" Sasuke asked with a miniscule tone of hope in his voice.

"Ashamed of you? Why, because you got drunk unintended? Nah, it happens. It was funnier and less destructive than any time Lee came less than a foot away from a sake bottle."

"But… the things I did… urgh." Sasuke moved up the side of the tub, as Naruto scrubbed him with a washcloth.

Naruto pulled his chin up. "Teme, I used to paint flying cocks on both the Sandaime's and my father's face at the Hokage monument when I was seven years old. I punched my dad in the face when I finally met him. You think _I'm_ gonna get embarrassed or mad because of what you did to _Madara's_ face? Or your stuck-up father's grave?"

Sasuke's lower lip trembled in a pout. Naruto's shoulders shook with repressed laughter.

"Our kids will hate me."

Naruto laughed out loud while standing to undress himself.

"_Our_ kids will _hate_ you? I think you're still suffering from booze-induced amnesia, you forgot what kind of people your own kids are. Shit, they'll probably pee on your father's tombstone too if they know why you did it" Naruto plugged the tub and hopped in, pulling Sasuke to his lap as the man turned away from him, with his arms crossed over his chest.

"I have shamed the family name" Sasuke insisted.

"What family name? Uzumaki? Don't worry about it, I've done way more embarrassing stuff to that name. And if you meant Uchiha, I think you redeemed it by what you did, actually" Naruto huffed and used a wooden ladle to wet Sasuke's hair.

"How the hell have I redeemed my family name if I acted as crazy as all the other Uchihas?" Sasuke asked, looking back at Naruto.

"Well, for starters, you didn't kill anyone. And your actions were quite justified, though I don't understand why you had to take off your clothes and use your underwear as a mask to do them, or why you had to announce you own my dick like that to the whole village. I'm not the one who kept running away from commitment in this marriage."

"Hn"

"But I still think that was cute"

"Shut up, I don't do cute" Sasuke said, blushing and turning away, but feeling overwhelmingly relieved all the same.

It was a long time until he felt safe around tomato juice, though.


	16. Work

It all started as a boring, regular mission where he was only needed for his genjutsu and because his summon hawk made traveling quick and easy.

Not that Kakashi, being the asshole that he was, would tell him that. No, of course the son of a bitch had to knock on his door at seven am and announce in the middle of the kitchen, while his family was having breakfast, that he was need for a mission where seducing tactics were needed.

And of course his kids had to ask how come _nobody_ had ever told them that seducing was part of a ninja's skills, and asked when they were going to be trained in it. In response to which both him and the usuratonkachi went red as beets and spluttered nonsense while the kids looked on impassively.

No one could blame him for siccing the curious teens on Kakashi, who ran away like the devil himself was on his heels. He was their sensei, after all, and he had to punch some reason in his possessive idiot's head so he wouldn't go yell his head off at Tsunade for putting him in said mission without even knowing what it entailed first. It's not that they couldn't do without the mission fee, though his kids did have the eventual missing appendage or organ deducted from their rescue payments. It was just the principle of the thing; it didn't do for a ninja to discard a mission upfront without even discussing it.

So it was that Sasuke answered the summons and stood quietly relieved after seeing that Sai and a female ANBU were supposed to handle the target.

Now, a brief explanation on why Sai, of all people, was chosen for such a mission. The ink-nin had discovered his sexuality a few years ago with Gaara's puppet-master brother, Kankurou. He enjoyed it so much, he had decided to pursue the matter logically: that is, in order to fully learn about sex, he had to experience **_all_** the ways it could be performed.

He had then systematically proceeded to fuck everything that moved and didn't put up much of a fight – because when he proposed a threesome to Sakura and Lee they proved to him that too much insistence could be extremely painful – and volunteered for any and all missions that involved seducing targets, reasoning that the more different people he had sex with, the more he'd learn.

The mission was to retrieve a stolen secret scroll from a smuggler in some backwater village where said smuggler used to trade with spies from different ninja villages. Since the client had required utmost secrecy, but had provided no clue to the man's preferences, both a male and a female ninja were required for the mission. It was simple: meet the guy at the inn, seduce him, grab the scroll and leave. Piece of cake.

That is, until they scouted for the target and caught him bathing at a waterfall.

"Mother of all gods" the woman, Sumiko, said in a weak voice, letting the binoculars drop.

Sasuke asked what the matter was, and she only handed him the binoculars.

Sasuke took a look and almost fell backwards. "Wait, this has to be broken or something, is that a third leg?"

Sumiko shook her head in shock. "Nope. Damn, I don't think I can take that, I'm not an Akimichi to be able to conform to _that_ size."

"What are you talking about?" Sai asked curiously, and took the binoculars from Sasuke to see for himself.

He whistled. "Nice." he said right after, with a wide grin.

Sasuke and Sumiko both turned their heads very slowly at him.

"Dude, excess bravery often leads to stupidity, do you know that?" Sumiko said, and Sasuke nodded.

Sai gave them a superior smirk. "I know the traitor here is married to Dickless, so he doesn't know any better, but I thought you as a single woman wouldn't be so easily intimidated."

Sasuke sizzled with anger at the insinuation. "Naruto is **_normal sized_**, you piece of shit! Don't act like the situation is easier than it looks, that man down there" he pointed, "isn't well endowed, he's _abnormal_!"

Sumiko nodded. "Sai, trust me, women can handle bigger dicks than guys, no amount of elasticity can accommodate _THAT_"

"Surely you have just too little experience" Sai dismissed with a smug grin.

Sumiko paled and spluttered. She was a specialist on these kinds of missions.

"No I don't" Sasuke retorted with a scowl.

Sai gave him a disbelieving look. "You married Dickless without having experience with anyone else, Traitor, and I hardly doubt no one would know if you cheated him."

Sasuke snorted at him. "We tried with henge. I just prefer him the way he is naturally."

"Henge doesn't count."

"Does too"

"No it doesn't."

"Does too. You know what? Fine. I bet half my earnings you can't take _that_ up the ass and walk afterwards." Sasuke said, squinting at him in challenge.

"Ha! Challenge accepted." Sai answered with a petulant smile.

"I'm in. Half my earnings go on MC Smug-a-lot having to be carried out and his intestines stitched back in." Sumiko said, giving Sai an angry glare.

That evening, Sai and Sumiko left to do the deed, Sumiko having arranged with Sasuke that he'd interfere and use genjutsu if she had to deal with the man's "Anaconda".

Two hours later, Sumiko met Sasuke behind the inn the target was staying at.

"Sai is fucking crazy. I'm happy the guy fell for his looks, seriously." She said, shuddering.

"Let's find a place where we can watch the show, I want to see the look on the conceited son of a bitch's face when that… that _donkey_ rips his asshole apart." Sasuke growled.

The man was staying at a suite with a private onsen and wide glass doors. The two ninja had a prime seat right in front of the glass doors, after covered with a basic genjutsu.

They sat down with a thermos of tea, and waited.

Sumiko nudged Sasuke when the two men barged in the room, locked at the lips.

Sai was genuinely turned on, despite the man's unfavorable looks. He viewed the act as a challenge with his pride at stake, and he was mighty curious, so he quickly began massaging the man's impressive size to life, gauging the erection as it grew.

And grew. And grew again. And then grew some more. And if that wasn't enough, it grew yet more.

By the time they stripped their clothes, Sai was beginning to have second thoughts.

And then the anaconda was fully presented to his wide, glazed eyes.

Outside, Sumiko covered her mouth with her hand, and Sasuke's left eye twitched. All three ninjas wondered how the man didn't just pass out by lack of blood, the thing was that huge.

It wasn't just the length, though the thing passed the man's navel and ended shy of his nipples. The girth of the thing was the real issue. It was as wide as Sasuke's upper forearm, and the Uchiha-Uzumaki, although not as beefy as Naruto was, was no waif.

Sai would never admit it, but the thing scared the bejesus out of him. He looked at the problem presented to his face analytically, trying to figure how to approach it without bursting the corners of his mouth.

"Er." He said.

"Impressive, isn't it? You did say you liked them big." The man responded with a grin.

Big was the understatement of the century, the thing looked larger than Sai's face from where he was looking at it. He stretched his neck and mouth muscles, and tried to envelop the ridiculous thing with his lips.

The man suddenly pushed his head down on it.

The two onlookers had to hold on each other to suppress their laughter, as they saw Sai hopelessly cry as he gagged with only the tip of the monster in his mouth. The ink-nin's hands tried to stop him from having his head speared through, and barely succeeded.

After a good five minutes of this torture, the target dislodged Sai's head from his enormous tool and pushed him to lie on his back. The ink-nin was afraid he had dislocated his jaw in the process, it hurt that much.

He used the time the man spent sucking his cock to life trying to assess the damage to his face, applying a bit of chakra to recover his poor jaw tendons. He silently thanked Sakura for the lessons in emergency medical jutsu.

"Don't worry, my pretty, I'll prepare you good and proper. Soon you'll be screaming my name, you'll see" the man said, pushing him further up the bed and reaching for an economy-sized bottle of lube.

'Screaming for his life, more like it' Sasuke and Sumiko thought at the same time, looking at each other with knowing looks.

The man began preparing Sai, using inordinate amounts of lube. Sai began to feel cocky again, satisfied with the care the target was putting into it. He didn't even flinch when a fourth finger was added.

And then the man added his thumb.

Sai's eyes popped open and he started to breathe erratically when he felt the man bury his hand up to the wrist inside, and begin rotating it. He had never been that full before.

"Too bad the guy's hand is smaller than his dick" Sumiko said in a very low whisper on Sasuke's ear. The man had to hold his mouth to stop from bursting with laughter as he nodded.

'I can take this. It's not so horrible. Traitor is just a coward because he's used to Dickless' non-existent cock.' Sai thought, as he was turned on his stomach, facing the glass doors. He knew his unbelieving team mates were probably out there looking straight at him, so he put on the smuggest smile on his repertoire when the target positioned himself behind him.

"Hang on, pretty boy, this will be the ride of your life." The target said, and began pushing into him.

Sasuke and Sumiko hugged each other's arms and pressed their cheeks together as they stretched their necks forward to have a closer look.

Sai's face morphed from smug smile, to extreme surprise, to alarm, to a grimace of pain, to a fiercer grimace, to an extremely pained expression, to a large silent scream that contorted his face horribly, while his team mates silently rolled around on the floor, almost suffocating with barely contained mirth.

Sai knew very well that the only thing he had to do in this position for the torture to end was mouth the word help, but he hadn't reached his own personal humiliating breaking point, no matter how much he was sure he was bleeding. He was absolutely sure he'd finish the deed and walk out of it, dragging his intestines behind him, maybe, but walking nonetheless. He had been raised in Root, to laugh in the face of torture, and it was his honor as a ninja at stake.

So he repeated that in his head over and over, as the minutes passed and the seemingly endless cock slowly and steadily burst his rectum's seams to spread it into widths no human digestive tract was made to achieve.

It took twenty gruesome minutes, and Sai was already opening his mouth to cry uncle, but suddenly he heard a grunt that meant the target had finally finished burying his bijuu-sized cock to the hilt. The pain was so ridiculous that Sai couldn't feel his own legs. The only thing preventing his arms to give out was the certainty that if they did, the monstrosity would go deeper, probably deep enough to tickle his tonsils from behind.

Sumiko and Sasuke watched in rapture as Sai breathed. 'You know, this might be the closest thing to giving birth backwards I've ever seen' Sumiko signed after nudging Sasuke for attention. Sasuke nodded and pretended to clap soundlessly at Sai.

Sai was thinking that maybe, just maybe, if he didn't move again for a couple of weeks, he might get used to the electricity-pole sized monster currently residing on his backside, when he heard what was most probably the scariest phrase ever.

"Are you ready to scream, delicious uke?"

His eyes popped open and his mouth opened silently in terror as the target pulled out, only to slam back in in one interminably long thrust.

Sai finally couldn't hold back the screams and bellowed his misery to the heavens, as the target pumped the fire-hidrant sized appendage into him over and over.

The damn thing had so much momentum that the target didn't even have to pull out to thrust back in, Sai's body almost flew off the hellish appendage over the side of the bed with every thrust, the man having to pull him bodily back to thrust again.

"OH GODS! OH FUCK! PLEASE, **_PLEASE_**, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Sai begged, but the target was completely lost in his own pleasure. Sai was terrified his prostate would simply be ripped off his inner wall and fall off later, the friction was that strong. Right now, his balls were on fire, his dick was on fire, his bladder was on fire, his ass was a smoldering inferno and his pubes might spontaneously combust at any time. The pain was short-circuiting his brain.

He thought he had reached the deepest pit of hell, and then the thrusts began gaining speed, hitting yet harder.

Sai pleaded.

Sai begged.

Sai screamed his lungs out, and still the man pumped harder and faster, no matter how loud Sai shrieked. The sheets in the bed were ripped in ribbons as he desperately tried to hang on to them, only to be pushed forward and pulled backward without mercy. His life was flashing over his eyes.

And then, just when Sai had started to see the interesting bits, the target came explosively inside him, hurling him forward like a cannonball, to splat against the glass doors.

The man dropped unconscious right after, knocked out by the force of the blood returning to his brain.

Sasuke and Sumiko watched attentively for ten minutes for any sign of movement inside the room, then got up and opened the glass panel, Sasuke using his enhanced vision to search for the scroll as Sumiko tried futilely to slap Sai back to consciousness.

"Is he breathing?" Sasuke asked, standing at Sumiko's side while he packed the scroll away.

"Yes, just out of it. Help me drag him out, we'll throw him over the summons. Easier money I've ever made." Sumiko answered.

"Hn. Serves him right." Sasuke smirked.

After that mission, Sai spent months parading through Konoha with a sash written "King Uke" in sequins. However, he never, ever repeated the experience again. In fact, he dropped seduction missions altogether, citing health reasons.

And Sasuke took to sometimes cuddling Naruto's normal, healthy sized dick in his hands, promising he loved and valued it a lot, no matter what insane, batshit crazy people said about it.

Naruto just shrug it off as one more of his husband's idiosyncrasies.


	17. Fatherhood

**A/N**: This one like a few others isn't about humor, it's about Sasuke's internal processes and how external influences mold his passage from the war into adulthood. And it does give a back story to the major changes that happen in the Sage Wisdom saga in a way that I usually don't use there but that I think might help out people who are reading them understand some of the emotional background to the action. PLEEEEEEASE REVIIIIEEEEW!

* * *

Ninjas knew nothing about psychotherapy, brain biochemistry (or biochemistry in general, since medicine was just based on medical jutsu), or anything of the sort. The general policy was letting people sort themselves out, and either killing off or separating the crazies from society.

It all began to change right after the fourth war; slowly at first, with a few clans helping others with grief, and civilians coming out of the shadows to actively help ninjas cope with the various traumas they had brought home.

No ninja anywhere had ever seen civilians as more than a nuisance, and no one could explain the timid way the civilians began to approach the ninja, to help said ninja and be effective at it, no less.

As with anything that was foreign to the northern continent, the forces that fed the change in the civilian population were ignored, and Ishoo liked it that way just fine.

The only people she actively helped from the beginning were the ones who had been genetically messed up to the point where their brains couldn't respond to the tiny amounts of energy the earth constantly pulled from her body and were in turn eagerly absorbed by the starved northern humans through food, water, and body contact with the earth.

Namely, those people with recently developed kekkei genkai, the Byakugan and the Sharingan/Rinnegan.

She made a point to make Hinata and Sasuke friends with each other so she could sometimes visit the compound and play with the few Hyuuga children, and before each visit she'd pray for the gods to "please help her energy heal them". It was all she could do back then.

As to Sasuke, she used all the times they took naps together to quietly tell his brain how to fix itself out of the grief, using Sasuke's love for Naruto and her as crutches to rebuild Sasuke's fractured identity.

She almost wished the gods had allowed her to be able to sing, for singing was the most powerful way to deliver asè. Life itself was a song, but since the child was the protector of asè, and Ishoo's body was made of life, her strongest limitation set by the gods to prevent the power from misuse was her voice.

So she told Sasuke's brain what life was before chakra, what brains used to be, the way they worked, the things it could do to keep balance so that emotions could be seen and controlled by it, instead of the other way around.

And then her other body had come to her, and the child was able to use music made by the humans who were still complete and attuned to asè to help the northern humans, and themselves.

And Sasuke's brain bloomed.

Every day, since Amachi had got them music, the twins started the day with a selection they defined by the information they got on their fathers' mental health the last day. They slowly warmed their parents to the idea of listening to music to help them deal with stress, and when they began doing missions, they would leave a list of what they would listen to "so they wouldn't miss them too much". The same was done to when Sasuke or Naruto went out to their own missions.

It took over three years of both music and the twins bothering Sasuke, Kakashi, Sakura and Kabuto about their "horrific lack of understanding of simple physics and biochemistry" as Amachi kindly put it when he laughed himself silly at the lack of control both Sasuke and Kakashi had of the Chidori's electrical properties – both men had been so embarrassed when Amachi had simply taken the Chidori from them and, modulating its amperage and voltage (something neither man had ever heard about), had turned it from something they could use to tear through flesh to something that killed on simple contact, or that could be used to jumpstart hearts back to life, close wounds, get people out of panic attacks, and a crapload of other uses, that they swore to never gloat at any ability they had again – but eventually they got Sasuke out of ninja missions altogether and into the thing that would help him find himself both emotionally and professionally, developing new technology and resources for less violent conflict resolution.

Naruto never really cared to delve into the changes in Sasuke's behavior. All he cared about, in his simple reasoning, was that Happy Sasuke equaled Happy Naruto and that was pretty much all he wanted.

Sure, Sasuke was still prone to losing his temper, but then Naruto was the same and both enjoyed beating the crap out of each other, and the twins accepted their violent nature as it was, a part of human nature that was necessary and would never be completely subdued. And sure, Sasuke would never be completely normal. The child's influence was limited to what nature allowed; the only thing that could fix some of Sasuke's mental issues was reincarnation in another body, but that would mean he wouldn't be Sasuke anymore since the makeup of his soul was different from his child's. And Sasuke, with all the flaws he had, was loved by the child.

And Sasuke loved his adopted child so much back, he couldn't imagine losing them. It was the only remaining threat to his psyche, losing this family of the heart that had rebuilt him from the ground up. He knew the child's bodies were made to be unstable, and that someday they would die no matter how much he taught them and trained them and protected them from danger, but, in the dark of night with Naruto safely tucked in his arms, Sasuke prayed for just a little more time with them, to love them, to give them back at least a tiny bit of the happiness they gave him by just being his children.


	18. Celebration

**A/N**: Happy birthday, Naruto, you dumb blonde! Took the opportunity to write this quick one, for some reason Kishi decided to make his birthday on my anniversary and I plan to have at least SOME yuri (hopefully the cats will give us a few minutes of peace) later today :D

Enjoy!

* * *

"Mmmmnnnn... Sasuke..."

Sasuke raised his head briefly.

"No."

"What? It IS my birthday! I even prepared myself in advance! That is NOT FAIR!"

Naruto kneeled and crossed his arms, blushing, pouting and turning betrayed eyes at him. Sasuke sneaked the camera from under a pillow and took a picture of his face, then laughed as Naruto's lower lip trembled dangerously.

"Hahahaha sorry… I had to… hahahaha been looking forward for that look on your face all day… bwahahahaha!" Sasuke was nearly doubling up with mirth.

"Teme! I am gonna RAPE your dick tonight!" Naruto yelled and jumped on him.

Sasuke quickly turned them over and hovered over his face, smirking.

"Usuratonkachi"

"What?"

Sasuke quickly slipped his elbows under Naruto's knees and threw his legs up in the air.

"Happy Birthday" he whispered in Naruto's ear, before slamming in.

"Aaaaaaahhhhh! Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me…" Naruto sang in joy.

"Don't… haaaa… push your luck… mmmmm… deadlast" Sasuke warned him, pulling halfway out.

"Ok, I'll shut up, don't get your panties in a twist" Naruto laughed, and Sasuke scowled as he pushed back in forcefully.

"How the hell could I fall for this idiot…" Sasuke mumbled through his smirk as he drove into Naruto's heat, making him writhe and moan happily.

"Sa…. Mmmmmmmmmmmm… Sasuke?" Naruto whispered, holding his face close to him.

"What, usuratonkachi?" Sasuke spat in mock anger.

"I love you, you asshole. Thank you." Naruto said with a megawatt smile, and kissed him.

_'__Oh. Yeah, that is how.'_ Sasuke thought as he kissed the idiot back.


End file.

Naruto, Humor, Romance