Naruto 1. Chapter 1

Hello there, Naruto fans and welcome to my very first story! Please leave constructive criticism to help me improve, so that my future stories can be better.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Naruto and I am not making a profit out of this story. However, I do own Kuri the squirrel, but he's based off some other person's squirrel from a oneshot (ehh, can't remember who, but I'm lookin'. Will tell you eventually). Kuri can be used by anyone who wishes to use him. You don't have to credit me; just don't claim he's your own creation, okay?

*Kuri means "Chestnut"

*Naishinno means "imperial princess"

*Usagi means "rabbit"

*Mieko means "already prosperous"

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Chapter One: Boredom and Nuts

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Hanabi is bored. Bored and pissed. A month ago she and her otousan came back to Kohona only to discover that the Akatsuki attacked a week prior to their return. Rebuilding had already begun in the Village of the Leaf, but it would take half a year before the Academy was rebuilt and the senseis could go back to teaching. Everyone was busy, so no one in her clan would be able to give her home schooling. That meant she wouldn't become a ninja till she was thirteen, which pissed her off even more. Her friends were off helping their families; her sister and cousins doing their own thing for the clan or for the village; otousan was busy with clan affairs (rebuilding of the half-destroyed Hyuuga compound, calculating damage costs and conducting new living arrangements along with the typical clan head duties). Hanabi was tired of training, and everytime she offered to help somebody, they said they could take care of it, so she should go on a play somewhere.

So here she was, in the outskirts of her clan's land property, in some tiny clearing surrounded by tall trees with red, orange and brown leaves; bored and grumpy, laying on the dirt ground throwing any little pebble she could get her hands on into the air, wanting something, anything, to do. A blizzard storm, the end of the world, a troop of invading geckos; whatever it takes to get her off her butt and active. Goddamit! She's a ninja-in-training, not a civilian invalid!

"I hate life." Hanabi figured talking to herself might help ease the dull day. "Dummy. I should have brought a manga or something. Maybe if I fall off a cliff I would fly on top of a yellow cloud and go search for magical dragons that grant wishes. And I'll have super cool powers where my hair turns yellow and everything is all flashy and I save the world…ehh, wait, I don't even read that stuff. Stupid Kohonamaru and his crappy mangas. Maybe a cute little Usagi would drop from the sky and tell me I'm a princess and I need to transform into cute but skimpy and unnecessary outfits to defeat ugly monsters that want to rule the world...yeah! That's cool!"

While Hanabi continued to converse with herself about the adventures she would have as "Naishinno Soldier of Justice," she didn't realize that the pebble she was throwing up in the air was going higher and higher and she unconsciously threw harder while making emphasis on her story, especially whenever she comes across "Evil Queen Nimatoad" in her mind. The pebble went as high as the lowest branches of the tall trees. By great coincidence, a squirrel nearby woke up late from his nap, having partied hard the previous night with the raccoons in the east forest. That's what happens when you're an animal and you don't do ninja stuff or have books, movies and videogames.

The first thing he noticed was that he is really, really hungry. Twelve shots of 25% nectar content drinks don't do much to curb your appetite. He would have a hard time finding food, since he haven't been storing for the upcoming winter like he should have, because he was, you know, partying with garbage-eating raccoons, who don't need to store nut and berries for the winter.

The second thing he noticed was a brown blur that appeared from the bottom up and was falling down to the ground.

_Fooooood!_

Having only just woken up from a long snorefest in a scratchy unmade bed of twigs, his brain haven't yet gotten up, choosing to instead hit the imaginary snooze alarm and take five more minutes, and of course, he did have a headache, you know, from partying hard with raccoons (when was the last time YOU went to a party?), so it didn't register to him as to why a brown round thing was being thrown into the air, or by who. All he cared about was that it looked like food, so it MUST be food, and it will be his late breakfast. Without hesitation, or common sense for that matter, he leapt out of the low branch and into the air and grabbed for the brown thing. Aha! Direct catch.

Now that his brain was active and functioning due to the sudden rush of adrenaline, it took a millisecond for the poor squirrel to realize that, not only was the brown thing NOT a yummy delicious acorn, but that jumping off a branch was a very stupid thing to do.

He fell for what seemed like forever, and he braced himself for impact with the hard, unforgiving ground that was going to leave his behind in a world of pain if he manages to live.

Instead he fell on top the body of what was probably a now angry predator.

"KYAAH!!!!"

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_Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke………..Poke._

_Chchchchchchchchchchchchcht!_

"Uwaah!"

Hanabi jumped ten feet away from that, that _**rodent**_.

Everything had been so sudden. One moment she had been saving the Evil Queen's smoking hot brainwashed minion Prince Mieko and defeating the equally hot but willingly-evil right hand General; the next moment some crazy rat fell from the sky and landed on her spine. The rat did some crazy dance in a circle, as if he was having a hard time deciding which way to run, and it had rolled around and even hit its head on the ground, and then it stood still as if dead. When she poked it with a long stick, it came back to life.

Now the two were staring at each other, trying to anticipates the other's next move. _Now that I think about it, it's kind of cute._ Hanabi have never seen a rat with a long furry tail and light golden brown fur. Its beady black shiny round eyes reminded her of the plastic eyes of one of her neechan's stuffed toy (_by the way, isn't she too old to have baby toys in her room? And she sleeps with a fox one! Sometimes neechan embarrasses me._) Just barely noticeable was a set of pearly white buckteeth. Meanwhile, the poor unfortunate squirrel wasn't observing the girl; he was too busy think. _Okay, don't move and everything will be fine. Oh kami, who am I kidding: I'M GOING TO DIE!!!! _He cried in his head and said goodbye to himself. He thought he would had more time to do everything he ever wanted to do: travel to far off lands, win in one his late night poker games, get his freak on with some random girl, preferably gray squirrel, and explore the "urban life" of telephone poles and hedges. Instead, he was going to be eaten by this upright alien-creature that was naked save for the top of its head and wearing some kind of dark material that felt like long strands of fur netted together to make some kind of thin material not suitable for making a nest. He pleaded to all the known deities: _Please, please, if you let me live through this I'll stop throwing nuts on top of the deerfolk, and I wont tell the mice that there's a field of grain over near the mound when there actually is a snake there. I'll even drop by my family's home now and then to say hi. _

Then the squirrel completely forgot about his life and death situation and his pleading when the foreign-animal revealed crumbs of some sort in the claws of one of its arms.

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Hanabi stared amused at her new pet. She had managed to sneak in with the wild rat and carried it to her temporary new room, which was one of the quarters in the Hyuuga Mansion, since half the Compound was still in ruins. The moment she held out the crumbs the fat fluffy rodent jumped in her waiting hand and nibbled on the meal. Now it was feasting on some raisins and cashews that she grabbed quickly from the small kitchen she shared with neechan, niisan and her other cousins. It lounged on one of her floor pillows and an old rag near a bowl of food and another of water, stuffing itself full.

_I think I'll call him Kuri-kun, for his light brown fur. Otousan and neechan don't need to know about him, and I'll only have him until the Academy in fixed. _Hanabi was already planning all the wicket plots, schemes and pranks she could pull of with her new little "helper." _**Especially pranks.**_

The now named Kuri felt like he is in **paradise**. First of all, he wasn't eaten. And the creature (that he can only consider a mutated female monkey as his best guess) was _**feeding him! **_Never before had he tasted such delicious treats; sugary dried fruit of some sort and a kind of smooth soft nut he had never encountered in all his life! And fresh cool water! It had always been acorns, leaves, some wild berries and the occasional cricket or beetle. He had to walk a mile to the nearest spring _everyday_ to get some water, with the potential hazards of predators and annoying fish that wanted to gossip. But most of all, he adored his brand new nest. Instead of twigs, it was some soft fabric, and squared, and it had a vibrant red color that would make a robin jealous. There was a sort of unattached bedding thing of similar material to the girl's fur (which he now knows isn't exactly fur since she can change it for another fabric sheet) that he could cuddle into. The home wasn't too bad either: very spacey. There were also many other square nests piled in a corner, all vey colorful and soft looking. The girl had her own nest, a very BIG one, and didn't mind earlier when he had been on it, before she moved him to the one he was lying in at the moment. And on top of all that, he had this feeling, this strange itch in the back of his mind, that this new home was impenetrable to snakes, hawks, falcons and wildcats, as if he would never had to keep one ear and one eye open while he slept, and there seem to be a lack of other squirrels and mice, lizards and bugs, all who would have interrupted his dreaming to ask him if they could stay the night.

Screw those raccoons. This is where the real action is, and he wasn't going to leave anytime soon.


	2. First Mission:Scouting

His lady is clever. Very clever.

She had been training him and he didn't even know it. It started out simple: she gave him delicious food and a comfortable nest. Then he began to work a little bit for the food by jumping into her outstretched hands. Then he simply went a little distance, which became further and further. And that was just in the room. After that part of the training was complete, she would drop him at certain points around her home, and he was to find his way back to her room for the treats and nest. He learned his way around, mentally mapping the place and learning to avoid the other inhabitants. He learned basic commands and means of communicating with his lady.

And he enjoyed the experience.

His lady wasn't some super cruel and evil monster waiting to destroy the world; his lady wanted to do funny things that would make others feel miserable or embarrassed. It was all a joke, harmless humor, and Kuri sure did loved playing jokes. He would become his lady's partner in crime, the hidden ace up her sleeve, taking on adventures that she wouldn't be able to do herself.

His lady, Hanabi, is wickedly awesome, he concluded.

She is, or was, in training to be this sort of superhuman. What was it? Ninja? Yeah, that's it! He guessed that meant he would be a squirrel-nin? He may someday join her in serious official missions, but for now he would perform simple pranks and schemes with her.

Right now he is on his first mission.

_Scout the hall to the east, and the room at the end of it. It's closed, so it must be entered some other way._

He was to watch out for other humans and give his lady the clear, signified by three twitches of the tail. If someone was nearby, and thus it wasn't safe to proceed, one twitch. In a house full of people with his lady's eyes, there was no way she could activate her own, uhh, what was it called? Byakugan! That's right! She couldn't activate it because her family would feel it and she would get caught. So he had to be her eyes. Since her family rarely activated their bloodline within their homes (without good cause, at least), he could go around undetected.

He gave three twitches of the tail.

She snapped her finger thrice.

That meant the go ahead.

He made his way through the vent on the floor. He had a rough idea of which one led to the targeted room, but no exact directions. Was it left after two rights or passing two turns? He couldn't ask for the help of his lady; she is too big for the vents, and therefore it is unknown territory for her. This was all him.

Dim light came from the right tunnel, and he believed he found his mark.

He popped out. Bingo! It's the right room. Now the search may begin. He saw the pictures of what it would look like, and he would have to find it, amongst all the different objects of the room, distinguish it from all the other books. He's still having trouble with the language, so he hopes to find it by its approximate size and color.

He started with the bookshelf, the most obvious of places to look. He looked for the particularly bright orange cover. Few of the books did, and they weren't in the right shade.

He headed for the giant nest…err…bed. He checked under first. Only dust mites and a pair of shoes. He squeezed himself beneath the pillows. Nothing. He checked the bed itself. Zilch. He wouldn't be able to lift up the heavy…mattress…if it happened to be there.

He kept looking, unwilling to fail his first mission. He searched the shelves, the open drawers, the adjoining bathing room and clothing hollow…uh…closet. He couldn't find it anywhere!

But then he streaked in front of the chest at the foot of the bed. Its base was less than half a foot above the ground, supported by four fat legs. Beneath it was a strange sight; it looked like a hidden compartment.

Kuri scampered underneath the Chest. Lo and behold, there was a small orange book hidden right there.

He hit the jackpot.

He raced through the vents, squeezed his way through the tight opening and made his way to his lady's room. She waited patiently in the center. A rough blueprint of the room he had searched through laid flat on the floor in front of her.

He made the implication that the book was under the Chest, by a tap to the rectangular picture that corresponded to the Chest, and then by running to his lady's nes…bed, and making the motion as if going under it.

His lady understood. It is time for phase two of the mission.

They checked both ways. No one around. His lady opened a hallway window to make it seem as if Kuri came inside through there, in case somebody comes. It is also his means of escape. As his lady tiptoed silently into the bedroom, he watched the corners and listened for the slightest creak from the floorboard or the faintest of breaths. His lady left a bell just outside the door. He was to ring it as a warning. A few seconds later his lady emerged. She quickly grabbed the bell, shut the window, and creep back into her room, Kuri following suit. His lady shut the door, and they looked at one another; she with a wide grin, he with shinning eyes.

They did it! They have retrieved her neechan's Diary! Kuri-kun was currently feast on cranberries and popcorn, his reward for a job well done. The small orange book in her hands had a little bit of weight to it. Here lies the juicy secrets of her older sister, awaiting for devious and ill-intent eyes to read its contents and use it for corrupt purposes.

Well, not really. She loves her sister, and would resist the temptation to prank or harm her(her cousins, she could do). But dammit! She was curious, and if her neechan happen to have a crush or something, maybe she could help her sister AND embarrass her at the same time.

Hanabi slowly opened to the first page.

Kuri instantly became alert, but it was too late.

A hand from behind grabbed for Hanabi's shoulder.

"Kyaaaah!"

"Chchchcht!"

"Hanabi."

"Uh…neechan-chan, I…I…I can explain!"

There stood the author of the diary, wrapped in a soft and comfortable street kimono with a small grocery bag wrapped around her left arm.

"My diary, Hanabi"

Hinata's arm stretched out.

"Hai!"

Hanabi immediately returned the stolen prize. Kuri-kun wondered if he had failed his mission. Would his lady punish him? Would the other kill him?

"Do not try this again, imouto-chan. You will not be successful."

Hinata turned to leave.

"Wait."

A pause.

"Uhh, you're not going to tell anyone about Kuri-kun, are you? Lets keep him our little secret? Sister-to-sister?"

Hinata did not respond. Instead she reached into her grocery bag and brought out a small wheel of cheese. Hinata drew out a kunai from somewhere within the folds of her kimono. She sliced a triangular piece of the cheese and threw it to Hanabi, who caught it eagerly. Hanabi loves cheese. Hinata then slowly made her way to Kuri, and knelt down.

Kuri started sweating bullets. He didn't like the sharp pointy object in her hand. But the other lady withdrew the knife and instead pinched out a small crumb of cheese with her long fingernails. The other lady held out the crumb, and Kuri reached for it, somewhat still hesitant. The moment it dropped into his paws the other lady stood up and quickly left the room, book in hand. Kuri stared at the lady while she left and continued to do so for another minute long after the lady had went inside her own room, the one he had been set out to search through.

Kuri looked at the new object in his hand. It smelled pretty good. He looked to his lady, who was gobbling her piece like it was candy. He decided to take a nibble of the new edible, to see how it would taste.

Kuri had now and forever decided he is in love with the other lady.


	3. The Second Mission: Canine Retrieval

Oyasuminasai: "good night"

* * *

For Hanabi, setting the bait was pretty easy.

All she had to do was tell her neechan's teammate that her sister wanted to do a little extra training for the upcoming Jounin exams, and that they should meet her at the private training grounds behind the mansion. She also explained that her neechan might come a little late, but for them to come at the confirmed hour, just in case. She needed to make sure they showed up rather than take their time getting there.

Her neechan was actually taking care of some clan business with otousan, but they either didn't know that, or believed Hinata's plans have changed. Whatever was the case, they were still coming, and they will be there in less than ten minutes.

Some of the supplies had been a little hard to get without raising suspicion, but she is Hanabi, the sneakiest little girl in all of Konoha, with a pretty badass reputation in the underground world (not that anybody suspected).

Her targets were getting closer to their mark, and she has yet to see Kuri-kun since his briefing. Surely he wasn't too scared of the dog to abandon his mission? Abandon her?

A little brown blur in the trees in front of her killed off any doubt.

In the time they got to know one another, she and Kuri-kun had developed a sort of psychic connection or bond with each other. Even though she kept her face pretty emotionless outside the compound (like many other Hyuuga), he could read her face and know, to some extent, what she was thinking of, and vice versa.

Of course she didn't see him! He's in training to be stealthy and secretive at all times. She would just have to trust that he would stay in position, because she couldn't take the risk of activating her bloodline, not when nobody was to know of her intentions, and definitely not when her neechan already **knows.**

She could hear them coming closer. Mutt breath was exclaiming something out loud, and his bug-infested comrade silently listened or ignored him, she couldn't really tell. Her prize barked in agreement of some sort.

Does her Kuri-kun know the mission? Had she made it clear enough? Did he understand?

_Distract the dog. I'll handle the humans. Get him far away from them._

Akamaru is a well-trained and experienced dog-nin. Would he fall for the genjutsu she placed on Kuri-kun to make him look and smell like a cat? Would the dog feel something was amiss if he was being separated from his partner? She was still an Academy student, even if the Academy is currently in ruins. Her genjutsu had been impressive to her classmates, but the trick was merely amateur to any ninja who had completed at least four Genin missions.

She should have thought out this plan more thoroughly, trained Kuri-kun more, and watched her targets more. She had been too distracted after their failed first mission. Her neechan never did promise to keep Kuri-kun a secret. Neither of the mischievous duo felt her neechan's presence until it was already too late. Kuri-kun had later reported chakra seals all over neechan's room, even at the hidden compartment. Had Hanabi activated her Byakugan like she never dared to, would she be able to see through the chest and drawers? Had Kuri-kun triggered something the moment he sneaked in? There were so many questions left unanswered. Hanabi had thought she had done her research thoroughly.

Kuri-kun aggressively chattered. _Concentrate my lady!_

Yes, she mustn't be distracted; else they would fail the second mission.

She made one faint clap and then a snap. _I'm focused. Position?_

Three twitches. A pause. Two twitches. _The area is secured. Targets sighted._

She lightly slapped her right flat hand against her leg, then snapped her fingers; sign language for dog.

Two twitches.

She made a low whistle and gestured with one finger. _One minute to go._

Then they both stood as still and as silent as possible.

* * *

"Hey Shino! Think I can get Hina-chan to take off her jacket today? I bet she's hiding some really good assets in it."

"……….."

"Aw, come on! Say something! I know you've been thinking of it too."

"………I do not engage in such hormone-driven thoughts."

"Ehh, fun sucker. How 'bout you, Aka? If Hina-chan was a dog, you'd do her right?"

Akamaru gave a low whine. _Don't say such inappropriate things about your teammate, Kiba. She is a sensitive lady._

"Since when did you take Shino's side over mine, buddy!?"

A woof. _Since you hit puberty I really wish you could keep your thoughts to yourself. Sometimes they drive m…!_

_**Growl.**_

_**Mreow.**_

"Huh? A cat? They Hyuugas don't own any… hey Akamaru! Stop! Come back buddy! Wait fo……YAHHH!"

Akamaru was barking in the distance. Kiba had stepped onto the trap and was now covered head-to-toe with sticky honey and leaves. Shino stood like a statue outside the well-covered hole, but had a wire loop snagged on his right foot.

After Hanabi made sure her neechan's teammates were securely stuck, Kiba unable to escape the syrupy ditch, and Shino whose bugs couldn't chew through the specially-made wire, she threw a kunai up to the top of the trees. With a swish and a slice, the makeshift platform came down, along with all the squirrels, chipmunks, possums, mice, lizards, and other critters that Kuri-kun had gathered with the promise of a firefly show. The forest critters, now shocked and pissed off that their little get together went down the ground, turn to the two humans and began their onslaught of bites, nicks and nips. Most of them went for the boy that smelled like a mutt and was covered in thick honey. The more docile ones went after the other, but decided that he must be friend since he smelled like bugs. They went after the mutt-boy instead.

* * *

Hanabi could faintly hear the yelps and screams from Kiba as she ran. She wondered if Shino was restraining his shouts of pain or hadn't been bothered. She didn't hate the bug-user too much, so she hoped that the woodland creatures went for Kiba instead, the perverted loudmouth that always said suggestive things to her naive and innocent neechan.

In the small clearing she sees that Kuri-kun's disguise had vanished, and he was once more a rode…uhh, squirrel (her neechan explained one breakfast that Kuri-kun wasn't a rat).

Akamaru realized the trick that was pulled on him and felt a little bit foolish. Word better not get to the other dog-nins, or else he'll die of humiliation. He, a talented Chuunin-level ninja(though he still has trouble speaking human), was outwitted by a fat squirrel and a little girl who wasn't even a ninja! He wonders if his constant companion's stupidity was rubbing off of him.

The little girl appeared and revealed to be his female teammate's little sister. Well, that probably explains why he got fooled.

The young Hyuuga girl began to pet him. Akamaru wagged his tail. He is quite fond of the girl, even if his human partner isn't. Soon the squirrel, whom had been a little nervous around him, came a little close, feeling that the dog wasn't going to harm him. Akamaru turned to the small mammal as Hanabi continued to show him great affection.

Yip. _Akamaru._

Chchi. _Kuri_

Yip. _This girl's partner?_

Squeak. _Hai._

Woof. _Nin?_

Chchcht. _In training._

Yip. _Ah, I see._

Chchcht. _Friends?_

Yip! _Sure!_

And for the rest of the day the tri rolled around the grass and ran and skipped around the area behind the mansion. Carefree and full of joy, Akamaru was now somewhat glad that he had gotten fooled by the girl and the squirrel.

* * *

After the long meeting with her father and the council, something about a budget and renovations, Hinata went straight to one of the indoor gyms to practice a little bit of her heiress-required sword training. However, a servant came before she could began and informed her that strange noises that sounded like one of her teammates came from the private training grounds.

She had a hunch about what happened. She hasn't seen her imouto since this morning.

She came to one of the grounds further from the mansion. With her Byakugan activated, she could see the Kiba struggling inside a ten-foot high, five-foot wide hole in the ground. Although not much of a feat for the average ninja, he was also covered in very sticky honey, and lots of it, that had traces of familiar chakra that she suspected made the honey thicker than usual. Kiba also had a lot of bite marks all over his body, and holes here and there on his leather clothes. Shino was close by, with a thin steel wire trap around his right foot, but was otherwise unharmed.

Akamaru was nowhere nearby.

She was no fool. She knew what had happened. She knew who the two culprits were.

But she will not say anything.

Instead, she will act a little shock.

"A-ano. Kiba-kun, Shino-kun. What happened?"

"………."

"What happened!? What happened!? I'll tell you what happened!!! We came here to train for the exams and this stupid trap was here and then some crazy vermins attacked me. Why the hell….!!!!"

Blah, blah, blah.

* * *

After dinner, Hinata confronted Hanabi. Their cousin Hayato was cleaning the dishes, listening. The other cousins living in Wing C with the two Clan head daughters had already finished up and were doing their own things.

"Did you have fun today Hanabi?"

"Uhh…"

"I'm sure Akamaru did. He missed playing with you."

"……….."

"I bought some new nuts and cranberries earlier today. Here, take a handful."

"…arigato, neechan."

"Take care, imouto-chan, and clean up your room. It's starting to smell like a zoo in there. We have a new vacuum in the closet."

"Arigato, neechan. Oyasuminasai!"

Hanabi left, Hinata went back to the kitchen to help her cousin with the dishes.

"Hinata-sama, is there something going on?"

"Just Hanabi being herself, Hayato-kun."

"Ah, very well……"

"Hayato-kun?"

"Well, Hinata-sama, you may go to your bedchambers now. I can clean up from here."

"Are you sure?"

"Hai."

"Very well. Goodnight Hayato-kun."

"Oyasuminasai, Hinata-sama."

...

....

.....

Long after Hinata-sama had left, Hayato still wondered what the conversation between the two sisters was all about.


	4. Third Mission: Blond NaruMini

The ages of Hanabi and Konohamaru are base off of Narutopedia, which claims that Hanabi is about 10-11 and Konohamaru 11-12. This means (at least in my POV) that Konohamaru should graduate a year before Hanabi. Since her birthdate is March 27 and his December 30, they both will be 11 with Konohamaru nearing 12 (its around fall in the story).

**Post Akatsuki**

* * *

If anyone were to ask what Hanabi thought of Konohamaru, she would say he is a stupid, perverted, Uzumaki-wannabe loser who should whither up in some dingy corner and die, slowly and miserably. And she is NOT saying that just because he is one year her senior, or that because he is already an official ninja, or that because of the Akatsuki attack her class would graduate a year later than they should, and definitely not because by the time she graduated Konohamaru would already have been a ninja for two years!

No, she is not jealous, envious, or anything like that! And you should know better than to say she is in denial!

Well, okay, **maybe** it bothered her just a little bit.

...

...

Damn it all to hell! **She** deserves to be a shinobi, not **Konohamaru**!

_I hate him. I hate him so much. Look at him! With his stupid teammates and stupid sensei and stupid D and C ranked missions! Look at him, mocking me with his stupid inflated ego. He thinks he's better than me, does he? I'll show him. Just you wait Konohamaru!_

While Hanabi spied on...I mean, **observed** Team Ebisu from behind the **obviously** out-of-place bushes, Konohamaru was waving his arms frantically in front of Moegi and Udon. It seemed like he was trying to get them to agree to some kind of self-proclaimed task, and they were getting quite annoyed with him; Moegi was itching to swing her fist right into his face.

Kohonamaru made some dirty comment, and Moegi took this as an invitation to give the loudmouth a good black eye.

Hanabi made a mental note to someday ask Moegi to join her regime of terror.

She knew exactly what she wanted to do with the annoying idiot. Oh, she had many, many schemes made up; it filled a whole journal. But of the hundreds she had come up with, she really like a particular one. It wasn't too harmful, just enough to get him all riled up. After all, it would only be the** beginning** of her onslaught against the Naruto-mini. It was his own damn fault, really: he chosed to follow the footsteps of someone even dumber and perverted than he is. That Uzumaki brat that her neechan liked of all things...ugh! The blonde wouldn't know a crush if it knocked him out, hid him in a closet and raped him over and over every single day for the rest of his life.

Baka.

Well that's just fine with her.

If Konohamaru wants to be **so** much like Naruto, then she'll help him **look** like Naruto.

* * *

Later that afternoon, whilst Konohamaru was dragging his feet and hitting rocks, Hanabi, on top of a roof, threw a kunai that hit the ground in front of him, and then quickly disappeared.

"YAHH!"

Konohamaru, believing he was under attack by some missing rogue nin (nevermind that he is in the middle of Konoha), jumped three feet into the air and shifted into a rather clumsy fighting stance. When no enemy came out after several minutes, he cautiously glanced at the kunai and carefully checked it from a distance, alert of the paper attached to it. It was possibly an exploding tag and he should do his best not to get too close.

After realizing that the paper was not an exploding tag, Konohamaru relaxed his stance and approached the kunai, curious as to what the message said.

Konohamaru tore off the paper and pocketed the kunai. It was neatly folded and plain, and had his name written on it, but no indication of the sender. He unfolded the paper and read the message:

_**Konohamaru,**_

_**Meet me at the top of Hokage Mountain at 7:00 p.m. sharp. I'm going to teach you a new and super cool pervy technique.**_

_**~Number one shinobi and Future 6th Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki! Dattebayo!**_

_**PS: Don't tell anyone about this super secret meeting!**_

Konohamaru became giddy and excited. A new pervy technique? Awesome!

It didn't occur to Konohamaru that Naruto was currently on a mission, or that Naruto never sent messages like this, or that Naruto was about as punctual as a snail and most likely didn't even know what the hell p.m. is. But logic escaped Konohamaru just as easily as it escaped the ever-famous blonde Kyuubi vessel. The spiky brown-haired Genin almost literally skipped home to take a quick lunch and put in a little training before the anticipated meeting with his teenaged role model.

* * *

"Hey Naruto obayo, I'm here, kore!"

...

...

...

...

...

"NARUTO! BOSS!"

...

...

...

"Hmmm, I bet he's late 'cause he's training to be strong! Naruto is so strong, he's definitely going to be Hokage someday!"

As Konohamaru continued on to praise his idol, he was unaware of the two figures hiding behind the obviously out-of-place trashcan.

Whisper "Ready Kuri?"

A squeak.

".....go get him."

Chchchchchcht!

"Uwahh!"

Hanabi waited a few moments before she leapt out, rope in hand.

* * *

"Why hello there, Konohamaru. Remember me?"

A scratched up Konohamaru looked up with fear in his dark eyes, as he stared into pale ones that were laced with vicious intent.

"mhmmmf!"

"I'm sure you do, you only try to annoy me at least once every other week!"

"mmph!"

"Well you're not going to forget my face anytime soon, loser. I've got many things in store for you."

"........"

"By the way, how's the Uzumaki moron?"

Konohamaru started to struggle from his binds.

"You really do look up to him, huh? I bet you want to be **just like him**."

"Mmmmphf!"

"Well, guess what? I think I'm gunna help you with that."

As she spoke, Hanabi circled around the trashcan. She gave a swift sharp kick to the tin, knocking it over and revealing the contents that she had picked up for this plan.

"!"

"**TIME FOR A MAKEOVER**!"

"!!!!!!"

* * *

Konohamaru swung from a lamp pole, still struggling from the invincible rope knots that kept his arms to his side; his own scarf was used to prevent him from spitting the wad of cloth in his mouth.

Among the crowd of curious civilian villagers and a few young ninjas, Konohamaru's teammates and sensei stared agape at the unexpected and strange sight.

He had small scratch marks and tiny bite wounds all over. Someone had drawn whiskers on both sides of his cheeks and a crude picture of a........male private part......just below his right eye. He was clad in nothing but bright orange boxers with ramen patterns. His crop of spiky brown hair was now a mess of highlighter yellow (that's right, the obnoxiously bright glowing yellow and yellow-green that is associated with highlighters).

Anyone with half a brain could tell whom Konohamaru was supposed to look like.

"Uhh, Ebisu sensei?"

"Yeah?"

"Shouldn't we be helping him?"

".......maybe."

"I mean I think he's been there all night..."

"Maybe we should just go get breakfast, Moegi."

"Hai. We'll see you at the training grounds later, sensei."

"Bye, Moegi, Udon."

Eventually, Ebisu let Konohamaru free.

The boy, or anyone else, never mentioned anything of the incident.

* * *

The night before at the Hyuuga compound, anyone with a document in hand and in need of the bright yellow markers wondered how could all the brand new highlighters in their homes have gone dry so quickly.

* * *

Naruto never noticed the missing pair of boxers until a few months later, when Sakura finally got fed up of his stench and demanded that he do laundry.


	5. Fourth Mission: Blue Scarf Framing

What Tsunade hated most about Monday mornings were that they always guaranteed a surplus of paperwork and a lack of peace. She could care less about how the council wanted coffee in the break room, or that someone complained about the amount of noise their neighbors made, or any of the other non-mission-related documents that reached her desk.

_Goodness, do all the villagers expect me to deal with their petty little problems?_ Tsunade complained as she signed yet another document concerning the quality of the recycling system.

Shizune comes in with another stack of papers.

Tsunade stopped her writing and groaned.

"More work? How much more can I take before wrinkles start to appear?"

"Don't worry, this is the last of it, but do you honestly thought that there wouldn't be consequences for taking Sunday breaks?"

"Dammit, I deserve at least one day off a week! No Hokage could do this twelve hours a day and not go insane."

"I don't know, I heard the Third Hokage thrived on this kind of work, something about helping the village as a whole."

"Well I know one thing, I don't like dealing with this junk. I need a drink."

Tsunade reached out for the bottle of sake, but Shizune managed to get to it first.

"Not at this time, Hokage-sama. The last thing you need is to be drunk while there's still a lot of work to be done."

Tsunade groaned.

Shizune reaches out her other hand.

"And the one in the drawer."

Tsunade groaned, and gave her assistant the other bottle.

And with that, Shizune leaves with both the sakes in hand, and Tsunade is left with several stacks of paperwork to complete. Tsunade let out a grin once the door closed.

_Nice try, Shizune, but I'm not Hokage just for my super strength._

Tsunade took out a bottle hidden with the scrolls. She was surprised to find that the bottle cap was already loose. Wrinkly black objects floated inside the liquid.

_.......Dear kami, those better be raisins._

She put the bottle down, opting not to find out.

A breeze erupted from in front of her. Tsunade looked up.

_I could have sworn that fan was unplugged when I got here._

Papers began to shift, and Tsunade did her best to keep the stacks in place.

She felt more air behind her. She turned around to see the window open.

_Okay, I __**know**__ for sure all the windows were closed._

Papers flew out the window.

"Drat!"

She jumped off her chair and reached for them, but they glided down to the ground below. The papers that have been subdued by the weight of her arms now flew out as well and rained down outside the building like giant confetti.

"DRAT! SHIZUNE!"

Her assistant rushes in.

Huff "Yes Tsuna....oh!"

""GET DOWN THERE AND GET THOSE PAPERS, OR GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT!"

"Right away, Tsunade-sama!"

Shizune immediately ran out of the office. Before the Hokage could follow her, she tripped.

She then noticed that her ankles were tied with red yarn.

_How the hell?!_

She yanked out the yarn, which resulted in a rash burn above her ankles.

Someone was in her office, somewhere, right now, and pulling off the tricks as she moved around.

_What is this? An invisibility jutsu? Shrinking jutsu? Whoever is doing this; they're going to __**pay**__!_

The vent in one of the walls opened, and suddenly firecrackers were scattered throughout the office's floor.

POP! POP! CRACKLE! POP! CRACKLE! SHHSHZ! POP!

"GAAAAH!"

Tsunade ducked under her desk. Once the noise died down, she emerged, red faced and very, very pissed.

The sound of shuffling came from the vent.

_OH NO YOU DON'T!_

Tsunade punched the helpless vent out. Beyond the now damaged metal lay a dark empty tunnel and the echo of movement.

In her rage, Tsunade made an attempt to follow the sound through the tunnel, only to become stuck halfway in thanks to her large chest.

The perpetrator escaped, unfortunately.

Tsunade notices a scrap of blue cloth stuck in a sharp edge.

She managed to get her arm into the tight space and reached out.

* * *

An hour later after the efforts of twenty people, including Shizune, Tsunade was finally pulled out of the vent, unharmed but extremely angry.

"**SHIZUNE**!"

"Y-yes Hokage-sama?"

"**GET ME EBISU AND KONOHAMARU**!"

"Right away, Hokage-sama!"

"YOU!"

She glared pointedly at one of the shinobi that helped to pull her out.

The poor man shivered under her vicious glare.

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"GET ME A BOTTLE OF SAKE!!!"

"I'll get to it!"

The ninja sprinted away as fast as possible.

Tsunade just stayed flat on the floor, face scrunched up, fingering the swatch of blue fabric.

* * *

"But I didn't do it! I swear!"

The Hokage slammed her fist onto the desk.

"SILENCE! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE PARENTS FIND OUT!!!"

"I'm very disappointed with you, Konohamaru."

"But I didn't do it!"

"THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS!"

She threw the blue scrap to Ebisu, who caught it and inspected the material.

The scarf Konohamaru wore had the same exact tear on its end.

"THAT WAS FOUND IN THE VENT! WHERE SOMEONE WAS HIDING AND THREW FIRECRACKERS INTO MY OFFICE!"

A very drunk Hokage did her best to point at the damaged vent, but ended up staggering on her feet and needed the assistance of Shizune.

"I didn't do it! I was at the market at the time!"

"I'd like to believe you, Konohamaru, but the evidence is clear, and I know very well that you look up to Naruto, who had the habit of pulling pranks when he was your age."

"But sensei, I can explain! Hanabi has been pranking me! She's probably framing me!"

"Hanabi? Hyuuga Hanabi?"

"Yes her! She's been torturing me for the past month! She attacked me and tied me to that lamppost, remember that? And then she put worms in my bathtub a few weeks ago, and then last week she took all my scarves away except this one! She probably ripped out the end and planted the cloth in that vent!"

"ENOUGH! Konohamaru, what you are telling me is that Hyuuga Hanabi, sweet little Hanabi who delivers to me whatever sweets her sister made on that day, Hanabi who is responsible and mature and well behaved, has been pranking you for a month and is probably behind all this?!"

"And she has a squirrel that's been helping her pull them off! I swear, Hokage baa-chan, that girl is evil! She and that squirrel are out to get me!"

"So now you're telling me that a little woodland creature has the capacity to think in logical terms and has teamed up with a nice little girl and that they both have malicious intent?!"

"That's right!"

"Konohamaru, off all the ridiculous things I ever hear, this tops it!"

"It's the truth! Hanabi is no innocent girl. She's pure evil and she's plotting against me!"

"I've heard all that I want to hear from you Konohamaru! It's one thing to lie about what you did, but to accuse someone else without good enough proof and to slander their name!"

"She's framing me! I know it! Hanabi is...!"

"Are you talking about me?"

The four looked up to the doorway, where an angelic looking Hanabi in a cute sundress and stockings beamed innocently and clutched a woven basket in her hands.

"Hanabi-san. How have you been? Do you have something for me, young lady?"

Hanabi politely bowed before merrily skipping into the room. Konohamaru watched in horror as the girl acted as nonthreatening as a newborn kitten with a pink polka-dot bow.

"I'm doing well, Hokage-sama. Arigato for asking. Neechan and her friend Ino made some nice-smelling potpourri for you and wanted me to deliver it. They call it Autumn Spice."

Hanabi held out the basket, where a container of dried rosemary, cinnamon sticks, sneezeweed, sedums and chrysanthemums laid inside.

"That's wonderful! They smell so nice. Tell Ino and your sister that I send my gratitude."

Konohamaru noticed the blue cloth draped on the basket.

_Aha! Got you, schemer!_

The Naruto imitator leaped and grabbed hold of the basket, pushing Hanabi to the ground by accident. The glass container broke and the potpourri spilled onto the carpet.

"AAHHH!"

"Konohamaru!"

"Konohamaru!"

"SARUTOBI KONOHAMARU!!!!"

Konohamaru checked the blanket, but it had no ripped area.

Sob "My knee! It hurts!"

As Hanabi cried and bawled on the floor (faking it, naturally), the Hokage's shadow loomed over the boy who just realized the big mistake he made.

_Uh oh._

_

* * *

  
_

When Konohamaru finally finished his punishment, every tiled floor and wall in the building was sparkling, every table and desk spotless, all the rooms dusted, mopped and vacuumed, and all of the Hokage's paperwork done. A new batch of sweet smelling potpourri bought at Konohamaru's expense sat on the corner of the Hokage's desk, and Hanabi had been treated to a deliciously giant ice cream sundae, again at Konohamaru's expense. And that didn't include the punishment his parents dished out for him when he got home.

Hanabi rewarded herself and her partner-in-crime for today's hardwork with some honey roasted peanuts and popcorn and a five-hour-long movie marathon.

* * *

-

-

-

Morale of the story: Newborn kittens with pink polka-dot bows are nonthreatening.


	6. The Suitor

Oh gawd I've been so busy. I can't remember when I last updated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Hanabi glared daggers at the back of the boy's head.

Hamaguchi Yukio, the _**suito**__r_ from the small but wealthy _**merchant**_ family in the Land of Iron, was completely unaware of the many hateful stares from Hyuuga Hinata's clansmen, and continued to chatter on and on with the unfortunate heiress about his "family's business" and "the great amount of wealth and luxury his prestigious family holds" and about "all of his many accomplishments," **none of them shinobi related**.

The poor girl held up a dainty smile, a proper posture, and polite eye contact with her guest, but the heiress could feel nothing but absolute boredom as she nodded and pretended to be listening.

The only people within the large dining room that seemed to be happy with this event were the extremely old elders, a few of the council members, and the _**merchant boy **_himself. The clan head was entirely stiff and did not speak one word, choosing instead to frown at every single tiny screech of a sliding chair or the scratch of the fine silver over priceless china (they had to use forks, of all things, for the benefit of the civilian brat!). The Hyuuga prodigy sitting beside the head grumbled throughout the entire meal and snapped at anything and anybody in his range.

Other clan members around the long table either glared openly at the suitor or ignored him, though a few closer to the heiress took every opportunity they could to butt into the one-sided conversation and ask the boy difficult questions, which always led to an answer that had Hyuuga Neji grumbling some more about the "arrogant, ignorant, worthless piece of trash" ten feet away from him.

So where did Hanabi fit into all of this? Why, she was the soon-to-be savior that would rid the clan of the fire-breathing dragon that was attempting to take away their precious princess to some far, far away tower to be locked up (or at least that is how the young girl believes it to be).

Really, the clan head's youngest daughter was cooking up some terrible scheme that would rescue her older sister from the terrible fate of becoming a **civilian trophy wife**_. _Hopefully something that ended in the Hamaguchi boy's head on a stake in some uninhabitable pile of boulders in the middle of the ocean. Or perhaps in the belly of a demon, as her priestess cousin suggested.

_But what?_ Hanabi pondered. As much as she, and others, would like to see the boy's body six feet under, the Hyuuga clan could not afford to get Konoha into a war with the foreign country, or lose business with the Hamaguchi family.

_It has to be something that's not deadly, and will not get the scumbag crying to his daddy for revenge, but would keep him from wanting to be near neechan for the rest of his life._

But Hanabi could not think of anything that wouldn't involve bodily injury and a clear message for the boy to stay away.

Nothing!

_Argh! There has to be something! _Hanabi started to hit herself on the head repeatedly, in an attempt to get her child brain working in high gear. She was starting to get a lot of stares.

"Stop that, Hanabi, you're acting like a complete barbarian in front of...our guest." Hiashi whispered to her left.

She muttered back "gomen, otousan," and behaved for the rest of dinner.

* * *

A short while later, she was lying in her stomach with her face smothered with her blue pillow. Her cousins Hisano lounged on her mountain of floor pillows and Hanabi's best friend from the Academy was on speaker. Her cute fat chestnut squirrel was currently on the lap of her cousin, being petted like he was a pampered terrier.

"I know!"

Hanabi tilted her head to her cousin.

"We'll tell him nee-sama has gonorrhea."

Hanabi groaned some more from under the pillow.

"Uhh, I think the point is to get rid of this guy, not prevent Hina-chan from having anymore suitors...and never marrying." said the voice from the phone.

"Oh yeah, my bad."

"Feed him poison from Cloud and have them framed." Came another voice from the hallway.

"Stop eavesdropping you baka!" Hisano threw a pillow at her brother, who immediately left laughing.

"Mind your business and leave the boy alone." A passing elder suggested.

"Hag." Mumbled the three little girls.

* * *

She found the scum looking at his reflection from the koi pond.

"Oi, Hamaguchi-san."

The boy addressed let out a silent sigh before turning to the second daughter.

He gave a fake smile and bowed with a minimum amount of respect.

"Yes, Hanabi-sama?"

"You got a bug on your back."

Instead of jumping five feet in the air screeching like a harpy and falling into the cold water, as Hanabi expected, the merchant boy merely shrugged.

The girly conscience in Hanabi could not help but scream _Ewwwwww!_ because anyone not afraid of big bad bugs is disgusting and probably eat them on a daily basis.

"I do not mean to sound impolite, Hanabi-sama," _sure you don't, you fuc***_ "But is that all you came to tell me?"

"Actually, I was hoping you could join me for some tea."

Hanabi spoke with a hint of disdain and sarcasm, but the boy took this invitation as her way of warming up to him.

_Oh, yeah, she definitely can't wait to have me as her family. Who wouldn't?_ The merchant boy smirked.

How vain.

"It would be an honor to have tea with my future sister-in-law." Yukio said and bowed with the haughty confidence of a spoiled brat.

Hanabi shuddered in her mind at the word _sister-in-law_.

She smiled innocently at the boy whose neck she so badly wanted to wring.

* * *

She served him with the grace and formality of a noblewoman and a kunoichi, but almost choked to death in the process.

Definitely not something she wanted to get used to.

The scum thanked the young girl as she filled his cup.

He sipped his cup greedily as he tried to make light talk with what he believed would someday be the Maid of Honor at his wedding. Hanabi immediately remembered last night's dinner and felt sorry for her neechan.

_Kami, this boy is boring!_

Hanabi was about ready to vomit up the contents of her stomach and slit her throat, but she knew she must wait for the plan to work.

_Hurry up, Kuri-kun!_

As if her mind had been read (and it probably has) the strange noise of tiny feet and a couple of squeaks came from the hallway behind Yukio, just loud enough for the boy to hear. He turned around for a split second, and in that second Hanabi had revealed the tiny bottle of extremely hot hot sauce from her kimono sleeve and quietly poured the contents into the boy's cup with the effortless skill of a talented ninja-in-training.

The doomed teen turned back to his conversation partner and gave another obviously fake smile.

"It seems your clan might have a slight rodent problem."

Hanabi restrained herself from killing the boy right there.

She almost jumped for joy when he raised the cup back to his lips.

And then shattered on the inside when someone interrupted.

"Excuse me, Hamaguchi-sama, but I would like to have a word with you."

It was one of the council members who wanted to unite their clan and the merchant's through the ridiculous marriage.

Yukio lowered his cup to the low table.

"Gomen, Hanabi-sama, but I must leave now. Perhaps we may finish this another time?"

"Sure." _Not even if you threaten to drop me into a volcano._

After some seconds of polite goodbyes, Yukio went ahead of the council member, who stalled a little to warn the girl.

"Do not do anything like that again, young lady." And then he left to follow the merchant boy to the council room.

Hanabi had a fit and threw the teapot to the wooden floor.

* * *

The scumbag strolled along the village's marketplace. It was clear from his facial features that he thought lowly of everyone walking by. He held his nose up in the air and ignored the poor old lady who was having trouble with her basket.

That is, until Hinata noticed her and left his side.

"E-excuse me, ma'am, but w-would you like some h-help...Oh! Ii-san, good morning!"

Hinata bowed respectfully to the bakery owner.

"Oh, Hinata-chan. Good morning. Yes, if it is not too much trouble, dear, I would like some help with my bags."

"Of course, Ii-san, I'll help you."

Wanting to score some good points with his potential bride, Yukio stopped ignoring the old lady and went up to offer his service.

"Allow me, Hinata-sama, I can carry it easily." And without waiting to know if either accepted his offer, he snatched the bags from the old lady's hands and went off to the opposite direction.

Hanabi glared from the barrel she hid behind.

"Ano, Yukio-san, h-her home is th-this way..."

Yukio stopped in his tracks and turned the other way hastily.

"Of course, Hinata-sama. Whatever you say!"

Then he started to comment about how adorable it is that "his little woman was so very sweet and knowledged." With his tone, you would think he was praising a dog for fetching a stick.

Hinata and the woman chosed to ignore his statement in favor of chatting, but Hanabi saw red.

The elderly woman, having decided that she did not like the boy one bit, glanced knowingly at the barrel and made a motion for Hanabi to follow, which she did.

* * *

When they made it to her home, which was perched atop the bakery she owned, the elderly woman offered to make her number one customer some cinnamon rolls, the heiress's favorite. Yukio felt that it was a waste of time, but said nothing, and impatiently slouched in the woman's living room as she caught up on gossip with the young girl over the hot oven.

The woman glanced out of her window.

"Oh, excuse me, dear, I must get something very quickly." And then she quickly went downstairs to the bakery.

The door's bell ringed as Hanabi walked in.

"So what do you suggest, Rukia-baachan?"

Having once been a kunoichi herself, the elderly woman was very observant of her neighbors and the other shopkeepers. She grinned quite evily.

"Fumu-san should be dumping the garbage out his window in about two minutes and forty-six seconds."

Hanabi matched the old woman's vicious smirk.

"Fish head stew, last night?"

"You bet, sweets."

"Good," Hanabi chuckled. "Very good."

* * *

"Young lad, could you be a dear and go next door. I have a little message for my neighbor Fumu and it is quite urgent."

Yukio did not really want to do any little errand for the old lady, but he wanted to show his potential bride how much of a gentleman he is.

"Of course, Ii-san. I would be honored to help such a lovely lady such as yourself."

She gave him the fake message and saw the boy off. And rolled her eyes behind his back. _honored, huh?_

As she expected, he sprinted off quickly to get the job done and over with. She just hoped the little lass was ready.

And indeed she did. Hanabi was more than ready to pull the rope and have Yukio trip at the doorstep, right when the neighbor would be dumping his garbage out.

Unfortunately, Yukio had accidently went to the other neighbor's store.

The elderly woman cursed herself for forgetting that little detail.

* * *

Punch "I don't know what to do Konohamaru." Kick.

"Have you tried sticking thumbtacks into his seats?"

Konohamaru earned another quick punch.

"That's no good, Konohamaru," Punch "I think I'm going about this all wrong. Nothing seems to be working. I even tried to get him framed for selling in the black market, have his balls caught on fire," Kick "I tried a fake note telling him his family was taken hostage, I tried getting pictures of him sleeping with a teddy bear..."

She stopped beating up her personal punching bag, Konohamaru (who was, literally, her punching bag, as he was tied up inside a bag with his head sticking out, the cord swinging from the ceiling).

"No matter what I do, something always goes wrong. I'm starting to think..."

She came up close to her punching bag's face and help a flashlight in front of her.

"...He is a magical invincible monster that can read thoughts."

"...Have you listened to yourself lately?"

"You're right, that's silly of me. I mean, he's only a pathetic, worthless, lame old civilian. And I, a strong and skilled ninja, could easily squash him like an ant!"

"pshh, yeah, civilians are sooo lame. They trip all the time and think they're better than us ninja,"

"Yeah, I know, right?"

"And the rich ones always have stick up their asses and think ninja are barbaric servants,"

"I know! It's like they want everyone in the world to be as boring and weak as they are!"

"And the rich guys are the worse of all, because when they see a kunoichi that's tougher and stronger than them, they feel all intimidated and less of a man and try to act all macho to prove they're stronger..."

"Wait, what did you say?"

"GAAAH! I'M SORRY HANABI! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT! DON'T BEAT ME UP ANYMORE, PLEASE!!!"

"NOT THAT, idiot. That other thing!"

"They think we're barbaric?"

"After that!"

"They feel intimidated by tough kunoichis?"

Konohamaru prepared to be hit some more.

"KONOHAMARU YOU'RE BRILLIANT!"

_Eh?_

"I......am?"

"Yes, yes! Don't you see? You just gave me the answer to all our problems!"

The young girl happily jumped and danced and skipped merrily home, leaving her arch nemesis still stuck in a bag in the Academy's gym.

And it was a Friday.

"Hey, wait! Come back! HAAAAANAAAABIIIII!"

Hanabi made a quick U-turn.

* * *

So six masked ninja dressed in all black surrounded the Hamagachi boy and the heiress. The teen was scared shitless and crapped his pants. So much so that he almost hid **behind **Hinata, rather than the other way around.

But that would hurt his male pride.

"Please don't hurt us! Take all my money away, okay?"

"We just want you to come with us, boy."

"please, no! I beg of you! Don't worry, Hinata-sama, I'll protect you! Just stay behind me, okay?"

But instead of listening to the merchant boy, Hinata stepped up from behind him and went into her stance. When the six ninjas attacked, she laid the smack down in a ten minute battle that involved twirling mini tornadoes, flying kunai, a couple of genjutsus and a whole lotta Gentle Fisting. The enemy laid in a crumpled heap before picking themselves up and running off.

The pathetic civilian suitor was still cowering between a dumpster and a brick corner.

* * *

The clan head couldn't help but smirk.

"It's a shame it hadn't worked out."

"Agreed." Replied his two daughters. They too had smiles on their faces.

They watched the carrier as it left the gates of Kohona.

Naruto, Konohamaru, Neji, Kiba and Shino watched from the sidelines as the carrier hit a pebble, making the occupant shriek in terror.

"Haha, Hanabi's plan sure did work!"

"Yeah, boss, but Hinata-san hits pretty hard..." Konohamaru clutched his stomach.

"Stop whining brat, at least she didn't close almost all you're chakra points."

"You shut it, mutt boy!"

"Ha! Mutt boy. Like I haven't heard that one before."

Sigh "I guess I owe Hanabi-sama for this."

"Aww, don't worry Neji. At least the guy is gone for good, huh? I heard he was a real bastard, 'ttebayo!"

* * *

That night, Hanabi was secretly given much praise and love and gifts from grateful clansmen. She relished in all the attention and the new accessories given to her.

But wait...

Chchchcht! _What the hell! I hardly got any action at all! We're supposed to be a team, remember? I only got to help in one plot!_

"Aw, can it, furball. I let you chew out the wheels, right? Bet he's stuck halfway, hopefully near some dingy inn."

Chchchcht. _Not even an inn, my lady. I also took the time to steal all his cash._

The evil superintelligent ninja squirrel revealed from beneath his bed a large stack of greens.

"............Kuri-kun, did you know you're the best partner-in-crime a girl could ask for?"

Squeak. _Aww, you flatter me._

"Time to go shopping! I know a bright red toy convertible with your name on it."

Squeak. _And gold plated shades?_

"And gold platted shades. And some bling to go around your neck."

* * *

And so this one is done, and hopefully the next chapter can come sooner.


	7. Mission Five: Substitution

Chapter seven. Honestly, I don't know how many chapters this story will be.

* * *

He closed his cabinet door to find a freshly written message in black marker added on his mirror:

**_"Soon, the cat pounces on her prey."_**

He set aside his now forgotten toothbrush and wiped the foam out of his mouth.

For the past few weeks, Hanabi had been leaving threatening messages wherever he would be able to see him, ranging from direct meanings such as "I'm gunna get you!" to cryptic as in "shrieks of demons shall torture your sanity upon thy reckoning." She had left them at his team's usual training area, on his door, in his mission bag, on Lee's forehead, in his shower, and had even replaced the dagger he kept under his pillow with a note...while he was sleeping.

Prior to the current incidents, Neji had not been as worried as he is now.

_Kami, that little brat is keeping me on edge. She ought to be locked up to protect the public._

He wondered where the she-devil was at the moment.

_Probably causing more trouble, or plotting in her room with that vermin. Doesn't anyone in this clan care enough to stop the little shrimp?_

There was a knock on his door, and he immediately became tense. After all, whatever she was planning could happen any moment now.

"Whos there?" he said with a cautious tone.

"Neji-niisan, it's me. I-I wanted to know if y-you are seeing me off t-today."

He immediately relaxed, knowing that the heiress would never deceive him. Sometimes it made him wonder if Hinata and Hanabi were actually sisters. The heiress is sweet, gentle and soft-spoken, while her younger sister is a soulless hellborn that reigned horror upon any poor unfortunate creatures that dare incite her rage, intentionally or not.

"Niisan?"

"Hai, I'll be out soon!"

He quickly swiped a white shirt from his drawers and pulled it over his head, then reached for his shoes from the far corner. He could worry about the harpy and her schemes later. For now, he must escort Hinata to her teammates and wave her off to her latest mission.

A whole month without his favorite cousin, and stuck with whatever the she-devil has in store for him. He figures Lee's couch would not be so bad if things take a turn for the worse.

* * *

So what terrible plot does our twelve-year-old heroine has in store?

She promised her neechan to drop off the Hokage's bath salts before meeting her at the gate.

Dolled up in her most innocent-looking sundress and a sparkly hairclip, with her favorite basket at hand, the young girl trotted to the Hokage's office, waving to random passerbys and stopping once in a while to smell the roses, literally.

Sniff. _Pfeww!_ _This junk is too strong, it's hurting my nose! _The brunette child wrinkle her nose and glared at the yellow rose bush in front of her. _How can other girls think these weeds smell good? Rotting carcasses have better odor than this!_

She eventually made it to the Hokage's, greeted by secretaries and shinobi turning in paperwork. At the top floor, she tapped on the entrance and waited patiently for the Hokage's assistant to let her inside.

"Oh Hanabi sweetie! Come right in. Don't you look pretty today?"

"Arigato, Shizune-sama!"

"Such a lovely and nice girl, just like her older sister!"

Hanabi mentally puked. As much as she loves her neechan, she wouldn't dream of having her personality.

Hanabi entered the office to be presented with a slightly weary blond lady fumbling with a dried up pen, sweating bullets and gritting her teeth. The busty woman looked up from her dilemma and let out content sigh. She set down her work to give the young girl her attention.

Hanabi bowed to her superior. "Konnichiwa, Hokage-sama."

"Why hello there, Hanabi. Don't you look prim and proper today! I see you got something new for me. What has your sister given me this week?"

"Bath salts, Hokage-sama, and let me say this from experience: a scoop of this stuff in a tub of water is better than any spa treatment available. They smell like apricots and are very good for the skin."

"That sounds delightful. You sister must've outdone herself this time. Bring it here, little lady!"

Hanabi approached the desk of the Hokage and passed it to the busty blonde. The Hokage eagerly grabbed for her new treat.

_I'm already looking forward to a nice hot bath at home._ The Hokage sighed with happiness. She clutched the glass container of pinkish-orange crystals tightly.

Then, all of a sudden, Hanabi's plan sprang into action. An older shinobi barged into the room.

"Hokage-sama! We have a incident on the second floor! There's a small wild animal loose in the hallways and we're having trouble catching it!"

"Of all things! Can't you people do anything by yourself? Shizune!"

"Yes Hokage-sama?"

"Take care of it for me, will you?"

"Hai Hokage-sama!"

When the Hokage's assistant ran off to follow the other shinobi, Hanabi made her next move.

"Hokage-sama!" Hanabi started off sweetly "Oh my, you look a little bit tired!"

"It's been a long day for me, Hanabi-chan." Tsunade smiled at the girl.

"You work so hard for this village! You really deserve a nice small break."

Hanabi looked behind her shoulder, seeing that the coast was clear, and then leaned in and cupped her hand to her mouth.

The Hokage leaned from her desk to listen.

"Shizune hid the sake in the janitor's closet, behind the rat poison."

Tsunade's eyes widen with glee.

"Hanabi, before you go to see your sister, could you, perhaps, do me one little favor?"

"I'm right on it Hokage-sama!"

* * *

A very happy and drunk Tsunade twirled in her chair bellowing out lyrics to some sort of metal song, while Hanabi skimped through current mission files that sat on the desk.

Meanwhile, Shizune and a dozen or so shinobi and office workers cowered inside the filthy men's restroom, afraid of the psychopathic brown creature stalking in the halls.

"Bingo!"

Hanabi found the files she wanted, and began to make the switch. She cracked her knuckles when the deed was done, and planted the mediocre (but effective) genjutsu that would put the blame on the hapless fool in the first floor that once scolded her for rushing into the building some time ago.

"Well Hokage-sama, I better head to the gate now before my sister and her team leaves. Sayonara Lady Tsunade!" And she dashed off to her next destination.

Upon reaching the second floor, she sharply whistled to her partner in crime, and they ran off before anyone could see them.

* * *

"Bye neechan! Bye Akamaru-kun! Bye Shino-kun! Come home safely!"

"Oi, brat, what about me?!?"

"Die in a ditch, mutt-breath!"

"Bye niisan, imouto-chan! Bye Kurenai-sensei, Sarutobi-kun!"

When team eight became nothing but specks in the distance, the four turned back to the village. Kurenai gave a nod to the two Hyuugas, who respectfully bowed back. She trotted off to her own home, her baby in tow.

"So, niisan, have any plans tomorrow?" Hanabi giggled with excitement and gleamed brightly.

Neji was suspicious of her question. She acted as if she hadn't invaded his privacy and left threatening letters to him for the past few weeks.

"I believe have a mission to fufill."

"Okay then! See you tomorrow!" She said that almost too eagerly.

"Actually Hanabi, I'll be leaving quite early."

"I will see you tomorrow!" She ran off and waved at him as she merrily skipped home.

Neji then felt a sense of dread drift over him, as if a terrible thing was to occur soon, and he knew it had to be because of Hanabi and her off behavior. He put it aside, though, since he still needed to be informed of his mission for tomorrow.

* * *

"...........Hell. No."

"I'm sorry Neji, but it has to be done. I know it's a mistake, but it's already being processed and can't be undone." A now sober Hokage shook her head.

"The employee who made the mistake is currently under suspension" Shizune chipped in "but the papers have already been finalized, Neji. I'm afraid Iruka will be taking your spot on the mission."

In the background, his teammates were rolling around the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

"While you are to..."

* * *

".......babysit."

Neji found himself in a room of a hundred unruly children of various ages. Children that, because of the schools that were still under reconstruction, had to be taken care of while civilian and shinobi parents performed their jobs.

One little girl went up to him, teary-eyed.

"I wee my undies! You change me?"

Another latched onto his leg.

Sob "Those boys over there took Mr. Bun Buns from meeeee!"

"I need a banday!"

"Hey lets throw books at the sub!"

"Wur hwair is swo pwetty. Can I bwaid it?"

Push "Baka! I'm way tougher than you!"

Push "No you ain't teme!"

Shriek "MOMMY FORGOT MY SANWHICK! MAKE ME WUNE! MAKE ME WUNE! MAKE ME WUNEEEEEE!!!!!"

Hanabi and her posse stood to the side, hands on their hips.

"Looks like we're gonna have a new test subject for ourselves, girls."

And it was like that for the next two weeks.

* * *

Goodnight, I'm gonna try and post a new story later today!


End file.

Naruto, Humor