1. Chapter 1

Amanda had always prided herself on her ability to control situations. Self-control was something she needed, something she was happy to have. She needed to know that she was always in control. Even when she wasn't. She vaguely remembered the first time she played her first game of blackjack, but she remembered vividly just how happy it made her feel. The rush. The excitement. The thrill. At times she hated herself for doing it. But the guilt wasn't enough to stop her. And the disconnection notices weren't enough either. Or the eviction notices.

Three summers ago Amanda had hit rock bottom. She was new to the Manhattan Special Victims Unit, and stressed. Stressed beyond words. She had only hoped that the change in scenery would change her luck, but it didn't. And within two months of living in the city she found herself $20,000 in debt with a bookie.

If only her job wasn't so stressful, she wouldn't have to resort to gambling.

It was easy to blame the gambling on her job.

Maybe it really was her job.

She honestly didn't know.

One thing Amanda did know was what she was getting herself into when she transferred from Atlanta Georgia to New York City. She had heard the stories. She knew the facts; that the average life of a sex crimes detective was two years. But that didn't stop her. She loved the challenge, the risk.

Until recently working at Manhattan SVU had been enough of a thrill for her. She didn't need to gamble. She had been regularly attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings. She was making progress.

That of course was before her entire personal life was revealed on stand at Lena's trial.

She had only hoped Barba would have held out on such personal questions.

The entire thing proved to be too much for her. And like always, gambling had been the only comfort she had found.

Unfortunately the thrill she had always loved about it was gone. Now she was merely gambling just to help keep her mind of things. Because if time stopped, even for a second. She would remember all the shitty things that had been happening to her recently.

How everyone in the squad, aside from Cragen absolutely hated her. She wasn't even sure if her own partner still cared about her.

If he didn't, she wouldn't blame him. She knew he would hate her even more once he found of what she was doing.

If he ever found out.

No one could find out what Amanda was doing, she would lose her job.

Because bribery would land Amanda a minimum of ten years in federal prison. But like always that risk didn't stop her, because she loved the thrill gambling gave her. Enough to get herself in deep with a bookie. $250,000 deep.

So last night when Fin called Amanda telling her Richard Myers, the bookie she was in deep with, had in fact helped cover up the rape and murder of a seventeen year old foreign exchange student. She was more than happy to offer him a deal. A deal that would satisfy them both. One that would save his ass, and hers.

"I can get you off." Amanda said quietly into the receiver of her phone. Hoping no one could hear her.

A call this personal shouldn't have been answered at work. But Richard was still at Rikers and he had no choice but to use his one call to see if Amanda's offer was still on the table.

"How?" Richard asked. His voice firm. He was an older man, in his early fifties. Yet he had still managed to harass and kill anyone who owed him money. He grew up poor and was determined not to die the same way.

"You're looking at five years easy. Our medical examiner places the time of death somewhere between 12 and 2:30 am. We also have you on tape at 1:30 with Steven getting into your Lamborghini with a body in a bag," Amanda chuckled softly, "You could have been a little more discreet." She looked around casually, walking into an empty interrogation room and closing the door. "Look, I really can't talk about this now."

"You've told me the case you have against me, this I already knew. How are you going to get me off?" His patience was thinning, it was obvious. Had it been any other girl who owned him that much money and didn't pay up. They'd be dead within a week.

"If that tape were to magically disappear, you'd be free to go. All charges would be dropped." Destroying evidence. It was the only move Amanda had left. She was disgusted in herself, but she didn't want to die. Death wasn't something she was ready to face, not at thirty-three. Having to answer to some God she wasn't even sure she fully believed in was scary enough. "I'm really the only choice you have." Amanda spoke firmly, trying her best to intimidate the old man into taking her bait.

"I trust you Amanda." He paused before continuing. "Don't make me regret trusting you."

No longer was the sound of Richards intimidating voice that filled Amanda's ears, but the sound of the phone's dial tone. He had hung up her. Getting the little information he needed and discarding of their conversation so easily. It infuriated Amanda. Richard didn't understand just how much trouble she would get in for what she was doing, or maybe he did and just didn't care. Because he cared more about saving his own ass, than Amanda's.

They both had ulterior motives, only wanting to help one another out merely because it benefited them both in the long run.

Amanda had never felt as sickly as she did at that moment. It was official. She couldn't go back now.

Now she understood how cops could become crooked.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I know the first chapter was incredibly short, I apologize for that. I'm really enjoying writing this story, so I'll try and update every week or so. Please read and review!

Amanda took a deep breath, letting Richard's last words ring in her head. I trust you Amanda. Don't make me regret trusting you. Amanda held in a scoff. He was foolish for trusting her; she could barely trust herself to not gamble away her entire paycheck in one sitting. She was naive for thinking Richard would let her off the hook so easily. Destroying evidence wouldn't be enough. He would want more, just like Nate had.

Nate pretended his intentions were good; he helped her out claiming his motivation was that of a good friend. But it wasn't. He wanted sex. Amanda was a fool for thinking otherwise. For letting herself think that even for a second someone really cared about her.

No one gave a damn about her. Not her father, not her mother, not her sister Kim. Her little sister Kim. She was supposed to look up to her, envy her accomplishments enough to want to be just like her. But instead Kim hated Amanda's guts. She couldn't even blame her; she hated herself just as much.

Amanda let her mind wander, wondering why she even bothered with this plan. Leaving the country would be much easier. A new life, a new name.

Amanda laughed out loud, breaking the silence she had become so comfortable with. Who was she kidding?

She'd only be able to stay clean for a week before the boredom of a new city would overcome her. She'd be half drunk leaning off a chair, cigarette in one hand a wand of cash in the other, begging the bartender for more and praying for a lucky streak.

Amanda smiled softly.

It was nice to entertain the thought.

"Hey, I need this room." Amanda registered Nick's voice before she even processed his face staring back up at her. Alongside Nick was a man; a perp. Amanda looked over him quickly. She wondered just what he had done to find himself on his way to the sex crimes interrogation room. He looked innocent enough. He wasn't a pedophile. His eyes weren't cold, unlike the men she was use to encountering, they were soft, warm, inviting. He was standing two feet away from her and she could smell the whiskey pulsing off his skin. She easily recognized the smell, Jack Daniels; her favorite drink to drown herself in. The smell was faint; he probably had been drinking last night. Amanda figured he probably drank too much and assaulted some poor girl. Her assessment of the man took longer than she realized; she felt Nick's hand on her shoulder, his voice soft interrupting her thoughts, "Amanda you look half dead."

"I'm fine." Amanda said pushing past Nick. She made her way to her desk grabbing her jacket that laid slanted on her seat and her car keys. It was only one o'clock and Amanda was already done with the day. She couldn't stay at work she had to leave. The guilt was getting to her. The air was too tight; she was nervous; afraid that everyone's eyes were on her. She worried Nick could read her, just as easily as she had read the man next to him. He'd see right through her words, read her mind and be at Olivia's door in seconds demanding she be put away for her unlawful deeds.

She didn't even knock before entering Olivia's office.

"Liv," She paused realizing she had misspoken, "Serge, I need the rest of the day off."

Olivia lifted her heavy eyelids from the paper she was reading only giving Amanda half of her attention.

"We're already short-staffed." Olivia said annoyance lacing her voice.

"I don't really feel too well."

"Amanda, you're already on thin ice. I don't have the patience or the time for any more of your bullshit." Olivia paused before continuing, "Go home. You look like shit."

Amanda felt the tears building in her eyes. Olivia's words hurt more than she had expected them too.

Olivia easily read Amanda's broken expression. It was a familiar look, one that had plagued her face for years. She stood up from her desk taking a deep breath before speaking, her tone softer than before.

"Everyone goes through unfair situations; I've been through hell this year. I want to help you, I want you to overcome this, but I can't hold you up, not like Cragen did."

"I'm in deep Liv. No one can help me." Amanda let the tears fall freely from her eyes as she left Olivia's office.

Amanda had intended on going home, but going home alone wasn't the best ideal. She'd be alone with her thoughts and they'd eat away at her. When she was alone she wouldn't be strong enough, the urge would overcome her. She couldn't afford to gamble anymore.

She drove around aimlessly for miles, finally stopping when she approached Rikers. She was familiar with the prison. She had sent a fair share of men there. As she pulled into the parking lot a wave of regret hit her. She wanted to turn around and go home. Forget about Richard, forget about her promise, forget everything. But it wasn't that simple. She had to be good on her word and she hoped Richard would be too.

Getting in was easy. She lied to the woman at the front desk telling her she was there to relay a message from Barba. She had learned to lie so effortlessly. With all the trouble gambling put her in she needed to be sure she could keep a straight face; make sure no one could call her bluff.

Amanda placed her phone and keys into the plastic tray and walked through the metal detectors. She was surprised when she heard them go off, realizing she had forgotten to take off her watch.

It was a gift from her father. He had given it to on her twenty -first birthday. They hadn't spoken in the years following her sudden departure after graduating from high school. She didn't even like watches, but the pride in her father's eye when he handed her the watch made it impossible to turn down.

It wasn't until she had gotten home; taking the watch off before washing away the day that she saw it had been engraved.

She inspected the watch reading the sentence over and over again in her head.

_You'll do great things Mandy._

It was one of the nicest things her father had given her.

His simple words held so much weight over her.

She'd have to make him proud. Just like he had her, he'd gambled to save up the money to buy it and resisted the temptation of gambling all the money he had saved.

As she thought of the memory she became just as proud of him as she was the day he handed her the gold plated watch.

She slid the watch from off her wrist and placed it carefully into the plastic tray alongside her phone and keys, she remembered just how much the watch had meant to her. A constant reminder of how far she'd come and how far she would go.

Per request of the security officer, Amanda left her phone, keys and watch behind. She made her way through the heavy metal guarded door; pass a row of security guards who harassed with questions. She repeated her lie from before, adding more details as if she was trying to convince herself that her words were true. She was thoroughly searched one last time before the gates to Richard's cell were opened.

Richard sat up from his bed, placing the bible he had been reading on the small table alongside his bed. He smiled up at Amanda.

She didn't smile back.

The gates of the cell slowly closed behind her along with a shout from one of the officers telling her she had less than ten minutes.

"Amanda," Richard's voice was just as intimidating as it had been the last time she spoke to him, "have a seat." Richard moved over patting down on the bed. Amanda took a seat next to him. She shifted uncomfortably, growing even more unnerving when she felt Richards hand grab hers. He played with her fingers, intertwining them with his own. He smiled softly before laying a soft kiss on Amanda's lips.

It took all her strength not to push him away.

She closed her eyes letting her mind wander. She needed to think of something, anything that would keep her mind from realizing that Richard was bringing her hand to his already unzipped pants and discretely forcing her mouth to his growing erection.

_She was drunk. She knew she had reached her limit but she couldn't stop herself. As the alcohol ran through her blood she felt better, the best she had felt in days. She was sitting alone practically falling off the bar stool. Everyone was gone; leaving her alone with the bartender. The asshole who knew she should quit but still fed her drinks because he didn't give a fuck that if she had one more shot she might pass out. She decided she'd place a bet, hopefully that would stop her from drinking. She was in the middle of grabbing a twenty from her wallet when her phone rang. It was Fin; she was tempted to not answer but she figured if he was calling at 11 pm on one of the few free Friday nights they'd had off this month, it wouldn't be something stupid he'd want to talk about._

_"Hello." She said slowly into the receiver hoping Fin wouldn't recognize her slurred speech and realize she was drunk off her ass._

_"We finally got Steven to crack; it only took a couple hours. He said Natalie's rape and murder wasn't a one man job; that someone helped."_

_"Yeah?" Amanda said. She was only half listening and silently praying the conversation would end soon._

_"He gave us a name," Fin paused; all Amanda heard was the light sound of rustling papers, "Richard Myers."_

_Amanda's heart stopped. Her bookie. The man was more than good on his word. He helped her out and as soon as the words left Fin's mouth she knew she'd have to help him too._

_"Richard Myers?"_

_"You know him?" Fin inquired._

_"No," Amanda said defensively, "So what happened?"_

_"Steven claims Richard didn't kill Natalie, he just dumped the body."_

_"That's it?" Amanda raised her voice, suddenly growing annoyed with the conversation, "Don't call at 11 o'clock at night to waste my fucking time with this bullshit. This could have waited until the morning."_

_Amanda hung up the phone before Fin could even respond to her sudden outburst. She nearly fell off the bar stool in her poor attempt to get off it. She asked for one more shot and was surprised when the bartender finally denied her, insisting she had reached her limit. She rolled her eyes before slamming a twenty into the bartender's hand._

_She couldn't remember exactly how she got to her car, she could barely remember starting it up. She was driving now, aimlessly. Getting caught drunk driving was the least of her problems. If Richard could help get rid of the body of an innocent college girl he would have no trouble killing Amanda, an alcoholic obsessive gambler who now owned him a shit ton of money._

Amanda didn't like oral sex. She was sixteen the first time she had done it, after a year and a half her boyfriend at the time had grown tired of just french kissing. He told her he'd love her even more if she did it. It was all the convincing she needed. She wasn't ready to lose her virginity and she knew she needed to keep him happy in some way.

It had been years since she had given head and she nearly choked while satisfying Richard.

She wasn't at it for too long before she heard his moans, his grip on her hair tightening as he came.

She didn't want to swallow, but she really didn't have a choice.

Richard pulled back up his boxers and pants. He smiled contently at her before speaking.

"That was nice. Quick, but nice."

Amanda wiped away the moisture from her mouth. She was surprised when Richard kissed her again. A deeper kiss than before, "Don't worry." He said against her lips, "There are no cameras in here."

She expected that his words would make her feel better, but they didn't.

"I haven't done it yet." Amanda said softly.

"We'll what are you waiting for? The sooner you do what you need to do, the sooner I can forget about the quarter of a million dollars you owe me." Richard voice was louder with the next words he spoke, "It's not me you should be afraid of but the men I have on the outside."

Before Amanda could even speak a guard was yelling that her time was up. She sat up from the bed shooting Richard a teary eyed look.

It was a poor attempt to make him actually feel bad for her. As if her tears would make everything better.

"Amanda, I'm really not the kind of guy you want to fuck with. Remember that."

Amanda said nothing as the cell gates opened before her, she walked stoically from the cell wanting nothing more than to go home, shower and drown herself in a bottle of scotch.


End file.
