1. VIIVIII Swords Mishaps

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you know is Square-Enix's property.

Since the try at an epic kind of story didn't work (I blame the fact that the fandom is young), I'm giving it a try with something softer. Basically, these are a series of one-shots about one or more Dissidia characters. Mostly humorous, but I will not disdain other kinds of stories. Just don't expect my usual load of work. :P So, first story. Enjoy!

P.S.: If you have one particular scenario in mind, you can suggest. I'll see what I can do.

**VII-VIII: Swords Mishaps**

"Not a problem. I've always gotten…" He was going to do what he usually did. Swing his arm around and place the flat side of his Gunblade over his shoulder, but his arm was like glued to the ground. "…" He turned around and saw that what he was holding was not his gunblade.

--

"… It's light." Compared to his busterword, indeed it was. Then, there was the fact that it had a trigger. Just what kind of sword had a trigger? He tried to use it…

"WOAH!" Only to almost blast Tidus' face away with an explosion. "WATCH OUT WITH THAT… Wait a minute, isn't that Squall's sword?"

"… This does not bode well."

--

"Thanks for… Ehm, the rescue."

"Yeah! You were… Awesome?"

"I lost my balance and fell on a mannequin, killing it with the weight of my butt and the sword, cue me getting a flat nose for a while." Bartz and Zidane couldn't hold it in anymore, and burst out in a wave of laughter. "Get over it and stop laughing." Squall said with a glare, that was more for the blade at his feet than the two buffoons. "All this damn thing's fault…"

"Hey, isn't that Cloud's blade?" Zidane said, bending over to observe the weapon better, while Bartz directly tried to raise it off the ground, only to pop a vein.

"NNNNNNNNGH! Damn, no wonder that monster died when you fell on him! This thing is heavy! How the hell does Cloud swing this thing around?!"

"…" Squall was starting to ask himself that too. With the way Cloud swung around his weapon with no trouble at all, and with one arm too at times, he was probably the physically strongest person he had ever known. Zell would be green with envy.

--

"… That was… Anticlimactic to say the least."

"Ow. Ow. Ow." Firion was still holding some ice on his face while Tidus was rolling on the ground holding his stomach, under the scrutiny of a sighing Cecil.

"… Sorry. It just… I'm not familiar with a weapon this light." It had been incredible, like something out of a comedy show. Cloud had dodged a blow from Firion, only to loose his grip on the gunblade because of the excessive momentum he had given himself, still used to fighting with his own sword. The result was that the butt of the gunblade slammed in Firion's face, knocking him out. It also set off an explosion.

"… Cloud, I hope you find a reason for fighting, but before that, I really hope you can get back your own damn blade." Firion said, a bit ticked off at having been beaten in such a foolish way when the fight was supposed to test the strength of his motivation.

"… I agree."

--

"Knew you were all talk. I see that Zidane has some worthless allies."

"…" Squall was snarling his teeth in anger in a way that was so unlike him that it only enraged him even more. All because of that damn sword. He just had to trip and sky rocket from the top of the palace and in the courtyard below, and he just had to hang on to his grip on the sword, did he? "… Shut. Up."

"Hmm… Not only that, but a lone wolf like you? Zidane would never come for you." Kuja waved his hair around with his usual air of superiority. "I've lost enough time, here… Tata." And with that, he disappeared.

"… Calm down. Calm down. It happens. It happens…" He gritted his teeth trying to calm himself down. To no avail. He needed to get destructive. He dropped the buster sword to the ground. "You damn piece of iron!" He kicked it. He howled in pain. Bad idea, mister Lionheart.

--

"Alright, I know that I've been a bastard. I killed the love of your life, I tried to destroy the world three times, now…"

"I said it was an accident!"

"But damn, I think nobody deserves to be neutered!" It had happened again, this time blade first. It was the final showdown with Sephiroth, something dramatic, something deserving the most badass soundtrack ever composed, and it ended with the gunblade slipping from his grip and almost stabbing Sephiroth in the family jewels. The silver haired swordsman quickly got the blade off from his clothes and the wall behind him, and began to back away from Cloud. "Look, I'm sorry! Just… Take the crystal and go, okay?!"

"For the love of… OW!" Cloud tried to approach Sephiroth only for the materia-shaped crystal to appear in front of him, cue him headbutting it.

"Damn, I'll have to warn the others about you. I guess you finally snapped. Not that I can blame you, and I do know a things or two about snapping… Well, try to get some therapy or something, alright?"

"WILL YOU LISTEN?! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Cloud grabbed the gunblade in frustration and started stabbing the ground again and again. "IT'S ALL! THIS DAMN! SWORD'S! FAULT!"

"…" Sephiroth just stared. "Yes. Definitely snapped." Then he disappeared, leaving a twitching Cloud in the middle of a floating piece of rock. That was when another bullet detonated right on his feet. He bit back the howl of pain and the really loud curse, putting in it much, much effort. "… Squall, I hate your sword."

--

"… Cloud, I hate your sword."

"Squall, I know she was like, your arch-nemesis, but to do something like that to a lady was just too much!"

"Do you think I did it on purpose?!" It was more like a baseball bat than a sword, really. With they way Ultimecia had flew away and then started bouncing between gears and walls like a pinball… Squall himself winced for her.

--

"Why didn't you run?"

"… Believe it or not, I knew this would happen…" And yet, he still felt like a worm as he soothed the girl's forehead with his materia. "Does it hurt much?"

"I-It's fine… I'm just happy that you didn't get hurt yourself." Terra said, offering him a smile that only made him feel even more guilty as he tended to the gunblade's butt-shaped injury.

"… You're the kindest soul I've ever met, Terra."

--

"OW! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?! OW! NOT THE ANKLE! AHHHHHHHHH! YOU'RE BITING ME! ZIDANE, HELP!"

"… You're on your own on this, Bartz." He just had to show Squall how easily he could use both Cloud's and Squall's swords at the same time, the fool.

--

"M-Maybe we can reattach it? Why does it have the X in its eyes?!"

"C-Cloud… That was a bit harsh…"

"… Is this blade cursed or something?" Probably. Otherwise, he just couldn't explain how he could have reduced Cloud of Darkness to a sobbing wreck by cutting off one of those two yellow thingies. How he cut one of them in the first place, actually.

--

"So… Finally."

"Yeah, finally."

They had waited for that moment for what seemed like forever. No more words were said as they let go of the blade they were holding and basically threw themselves at their own one, like a long missed lover. Then, they turned to each other, glares in their eyes.

"I swear, that blade is cursed." They said the same thing in perfect unison, much to their shock. Their eyes narrowed again immediately.

"Well, at least mine didn't almost neuter my archenemy."

"You what?! Well… At least mine didn't hurt my foot."

"Actually, it did. You should get the trigger checked."

"Well… At least mine didn't do anything bad to a woman!"

"… You don't want to know."

"… At least mine didn't actually hit someone in the nuts?"

"… I doubt Luneth will ever come near you and your sword ever again…" Squall facepalmed.


	2. VIVIIGuests Love Square

Wow! Nine reviews?! Well, I'm used to like not less than 20 per chapter, usually, but nine is a great result for such a young section of this site! I feel happy and loved. :3 Well, here you go. Second chapter. Warning, crack ahead. :P Enjoy.

**VI-VII-Guests: Love Square**

"… And basically, they call a stalemated love triangle. Because the first choice is dead and I was unwilling to move on."

"… Was?" The past tense had made her blink. When she had asked Cloud about his love life, she had regretted it. She didn't even know herself why she asked, but she had made him recall painful memories. She could see. From what he had been through, she could easily believe that he would still be stuck in the past, but then he had gone and used past tense. "You're not… Not anymore?"

"… No." Then, he did something un-Cloud Strife like. He blushed, and then he slowly grasped her left hand with his own right one, crossing their fingers together, squeezing it gently. "Not anymore."

"A-Ah. I… I see." Terra on her part didn't object nor move away, not at all. She blushed too and turned her head away. Too bad, otherwise she would have seen him smiling at the same time as her. From behind a bush, an Onion Knight blushed.

"… No shame at all."

--

"T-T-T-THAT BITCH!" From the lifestream, the last of the ancient raged, bending in half a metal staff, much to the scare of most of the spirits around, including her ex-boyfriend. "HOW DARE SHE!"

"I don't think that's grammatically correct… Oh, come on, Aerith!" Zack tried to calm her down and approach her, only for the lifestream to become awfully cold under her gaze. "Ehrm… I mean, you should be happy for him, right?"

"HAPPY FOR HIM?!" He saw death again for an instant, there.

"Ehrr… Yeah. T-That he moved on… And stuff… Right? Isn't that how it works?!"

"NO, IT DOESN'T!" Zack 'eeped' and hid behind another soul, asking himself just when did his sweet Aerith become so… Possessive. Well, dieing while being in love with someone was hard, he knew, but she just couldn't get over it, it seemed. "… ALRIGHT! I STALLED THIS ENOUGH TIME!"

"W-Where are you going?!"

"TO GO ASK FOR A RESURRECTION, OF COURSE! IF TIDUS GOT ONE AND HE WAS JUST A DREAM, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I?!"

--

From behind another bush, a martial artist girl glared. "T-T-T-THAT BITCH!" She turned around and broke a boulder in half with a fist. "AND HERE I WAS ALL READY TO SURPRISE HIM WITH MY CAMEO AND WHAT DO I FIND?! HE AND THAT HUSSY HOLDING HANDS… AAAAAAAARGH!"

She chopped a tree in the middle. Somewhere, Ex-Death shuddered. "SERIOUSLY, THOUGH! WHAT'S WITH CLOUD'S TASTE?! HE LIKES FLAT CHESTS OR SOMETHING?!" Cloud sneezed, loudly. "FIRST AERITH, NOW THIS TERRA! BOTH PERFECT EXAMPLES OF IRONING BOARDS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DID I MAKE HIM IMMUNE TO BIG CHESTS BY GROWING UP WITH HIM OR SOMETHING?!" She stomped the ground strongly enough to create a small crater. That actually left her panting.

"… Alright. I need a plan. No more playing nice girl. This time, I kick ass and take Clouds." That was lame, I know. Humor her.

--

"I wonder, though… Weren't the world supposed to return to their original forms? Instead, they basically melted together…"

"From what I understand, it caused by the influence of Bartz's world, Terra. Something like that happened to his world too… Well, I can't say I mind, though!" Cartographers had one hell of a headache, though. Onion Knight just enjoyed the wonders of other worlds, like wutainese sweets. "Ohhhhh! Another shooting gallery!"

"From time to time, he shows his age, doesn't he?" Cloud rolled his eyes at Onion Knight's exuberance, while Terra just chuckled.

"Yeah… It doesn't help our image. People always think we're his parents…" That made Cloud blush, and Terra to giggle before giving the blonde's hand a light squeeze. "So… Daddy."

"Never call me that again." Cloud was amused how often he blushed around Terra. It was a gift in her blood, he guessed.

"Hmm… But I think you would be a wonderful dad." Saying that, Terra leaned her head on Cloud's right shoulder, making him blush even further. "By the way, when are you going to introduce your friends to me? I'd like to meet them." Suddenly, Cloud felt a sense of dread going up his spine.

"Ehm… Well, the problem is…"

"Love from above!"

"OOOOF!" Cloud was stopped by a flying glomp coming from the sky which also did a pretty good job of knocking him to the ground. "What the… AERITH?!"

"Nope. Aeris. Drop the new namesake, will ya? I don't like Kingdom Hearts that much…" The girl replied, before starting to smother Cloud in a hug again. "Ahhhhh! Did you miss me?! Sure you did!"

"No, seriously, what the hell?! You were alive?!" Cloud said, which made Aeris confused. "I mean, do you have any idea how much therapy I had to go through because of your death?! I lost the count of the Sephiroth-shaped manikins I destroyed! And you were alive all along?!"

"Ehm, not really. I was dead. Really, really dead. But I just got a resurrection!" Aeris replied cheerfully, while Cloud… Stared.

"… And… Why didn't you resurrect earlier?"

"Paperwork." Cloud stared.

"Paperwork."

"Paperwork."

--

"A-Athena, my lady… Is that a staff sticking out of…"

"Yes, Genesis. It's a damn staff. Damn love-struck ancients. Now, will you help me get it out or not?!"

--

"Well? Aren't you happy?"

"… Yes, I am. But…" He slowly got back on his feet as Aeris had done the same, and he suddenly felt a very fiery aura coming from behind him. "Ehm, Aeris. Meet…"

"Terra." The esperkin stated, and Cloud could almost taste the venom in her voice as she latched onto his right arm again, even if her face kept on being as cheerful as Aeris' one. "You know… His girlfriend."

"Ah, yes. I'm Aeris. You know… The love of his life?" From now on, the exchange of sentences between these two will be translated for your comfort.

"Ah, yes. How awful! He told me how that bad Sephiroth killed you!" _You've got your chance, bitch. I think death counts as very bad case of falling out. Or decomposition, your choice._

"Eheheh… Yeah. Good thing I managed to convince the goddess of the lifestream to resurrect me, hn?" _Well, you know what? I staff-raped a goddess into resurrecting me. Now get lost before I do the same to you, only with a telephone pole._

"Yes, it's a really good thing. I guess these are things that happen when you save the world from egomaniacs from good-like powers. I have a certain experience with that." _Know what? Don't care. Also, unlike you, I survived fighting against a madman, so that makes me better than you. You get lost before I Ultima your ass back to the planet again._

"Well, it wasn't that bad… I mean, I had to die to release a particularly powerful magic, and I basically became the one in charge of the lifestream after my death… Why, I still am." _Though luck: I command the planet now and its goddess doesn't want to see me before she can walk straight again. So, you get lost._

While the two continued their veiled threats, Cloud had managed to sneak away quietly and unnoticed. He sighed and slumped to the ground, just in time to dodge a flying glomp from Tifa, who ended up flying into the mirror maze. How he missed the blood-curling scream is beyond me. "… This day can't possibly get more messy."

"Cloooooooooooud!"

"Hold that thought. OK?" He turns to his right to see a distressed Onion Knight running to him.

"You've got to help me!" Cloud sighed, as the blonde continued to talk. "Bartz is trying to set me up with a girl he knows, but I already have a girlfriend but he persists… Can you please get him out of my hair?"

"… Sure. Go hiding." Cloud said, sighing in submission, much to the younger blonde's happiness.

"Thanks! I owe you one!" The young warrior complied and ran away to hid himself somewhere, just in time for Bartz to appear in front of him.

"Hey, little guy! Where have you gone? Hey, Cloud!" The brown haired warrior turned to him just as he got back on his feet. "Have you seen Onion Knight? He seems to always hang around you, lately…"

"… Nope. We got separated early." Bartz 'tsk-ed' and snapped his fingers, and then fell deep in thought. He snapped his fingers again, this time with a grin on his face, having had an idea.

"Clooooud… Can you do me a favour?" The spiky haired blonde groaned. "You see, two of my friends came to visit me, but I'd like to get more… 'Friendly' with the oldest of the two. Can you take care of the other? You're so good with kids…"

"… Sure. Whatever." Bartz 'Yes!'-ed and basically pushed a girl out of a bush and in front of Cloud.

"This is Cloud! Be a good girl, alright?! Later!" Bartz was away while calling for someone called 'Faris', while Cloud was left with observing a girl who could be no more than sixteen years old, standing in front of him, hands joined and wearing a long skirt. Blue eyes, long blonde hair.

"… Your name?"

"Krile." Pretty voice. Cloud then raised an eyebrow.

"You're not a… Kid."

"Tell that to Bartz." She joked. Cloud rolled his eyes and then observed her better. She was cute and mostly, she was silent. If the explosions coming from behind him were any indications, his other two 'loves' were not.

"… Wanna get some caramel apples?" Krile blinked but then smiled, nodded and gently took Cloud's offered arm. _As long as I can get away from the mayhem that is about to unleash around here. And there is fanart of us two already._ "So, you're a princess."

"Yes. My grandpa was named Galuf, and he…"

"MELTDOWN, YOU UNDEAD SLUT!"

"HOLY, YOU FURRY BITCH!"

"… The pain…" Tifa was going to spend days getting glass out of her long, black hair.


End file.
