Goodbye

He wasn't what I wanted. It hit me with such a force, such a power, it overwhelmed me. I was in the hospital, a demon had finally gotten the best of me, and he wasn't the last person I wanted to kiss. He wasn't the last person I wanted to hold. It's pretty sad when you realize your husband isn't the person you truly love and hasn't been for years, maybe never.  
  
It hasn't been that long. We pretty much rushed into the whole marriage thing. I guess we both knew someday soon it'd be over. I'd only been Buffy Summers Finn for two years, and here I was, lying in that hospital bed, holding on to see another man. Holding on to kiss another man goodbye. Another man who'd never come. I was stupid and young. A foolish thing to say, maybe, being that I was only 24, but I was stupid to marry Riley. Riley was never The One. He was never Mr. Grow-Old-And-Die-With. He was Mr. Guy-I-Care-Deeply-For-Who-Substitutes-For-Mr.-Grow-Old-And-Die-With, or um, Mr. I-Grow-Old-And-Die-And-He-Just-Keeps-On-Going.  
  
Riley knows, too. He's realized he's not who I swore he would always be on that alter so long ago (well, long in a Slayer's life). I wonder how long he's known. It's funny how once something becomes a routine it seems unnatural not to do it. It seems unnatural not to tell Riley I love him, just as so many years ago, it seemed unnatural not to sneak off to see Angel at night, despite everyone's warnings, even his own. So I keep doing it, even though I haven't even thought I meant it in what feels like so long. Just as I would sneak into the mansion long after he left, out of habit, as well as longing.  
  
I wonder if Angel can still sense me. I wonder if he knows what's going on, what's happening to me. I know he's not in Sunnydale, I would have sensed him long ago. He wouldn't come, either. I know that. He said he had to stay away, and he would. No matter how much it killed me, Angel would never come to my side, except when he could save my life. And he can't now. No one can.  
  
But I keep holding on. Hoping Willow or someone will call him, hoping someone will pick up the phone and say "hey Angel, Buffy's dying, and she needs to see you," but no one will. No one will until I admit to them all that my marriage was a failure, down to my last breath.  
  
I feel so guilty. So damn guilty for pretending to be totally happy with Riley. We still acted like newly weds up until last month, like two people totally in awe of each other, of our love for each other. Nothing at all like a man totally in love with a woman simply allowing him to fill a gaping hole in her heart. A woman pretending that a man makes her complete, as complete as she makes him. That may sound self-centered, but he says he loves me, and I look at him, and I feel it. I feel that he loves me as I love Angel. He'd do anything for me as I'd do anything for Angel.  
  
And I would. I would die for him. I wish I could die for Riley. In all truth, I care very much for Riley, and I would grieve very much if he died, but I would not end my own life because living with out him would be incomplete. I would for Angel. Even if he's a million miles away, he completes me, and if he ever died, well, dusted, I wouldn't be able to go on.  
  
Tears stream down my face as I think of our days together. Angel, my Angel, who would sneak into Sunnydale as frequently as possible, protecting me, believing I didn't know he was there. Angel, who thought he was the only one who could hide, when all along I had my ways of seeing him without his ever finding out. He's stayed away since my marriage.  
  
I was so stupid. So very stupid. I never should have married him. What the hell was I thinking? Two stupid words took any chance I would ever have with my Angel. And everyone around us knew, everyone knew but Riley and I. We were so stupid. I'm lying here nearly dead, and against everything I ever told myself, I have a last regret. But then, after I killed Angel. I always knew I would. That last few seconds before it happened, I knew I could have done something. I should have done something else. Let the world end, just to die in his arms. Because I knew that no matter what, after that I would die feeling so alone.  
  
Where is he now? I wonder, does he miss me? My heart knows he does, deep inside, but my insecurities won't let me believe it. I can picture him, in his office, sitting working with some new client, with Wesley offering books, and Cordelia making wise cracks, and the thought makes me smile. It may be almost as weird as mine, but thinking of him with his pseudo-family, himself, an ex-Watcher, and an actress with visions, makes me feel oddly at peace. Like he's at peace, with himself.  
  
I know he still feels guilt, he always will, but he's accepting that he's not the demon. He's accepting what I always said: he's a man with a demon inside, not a demon with a man inside. I wonder if he'll ever accept the other thing I always said: I love his soul, whatever his body may be, he's got a wonderful soul, and he deserves everything in the world. And I hope he gets it. If I can never be with him, I hope he gets everything perfect and good. And I hope against hope that maybe a couple eternities wherever it is I'm heading will help me to let go.  
  
I know it now. This is it. This is my end. It's over. I've finally found what I was looking for, acceptance. Through his acceptance, I will forever gain my own. I shut my eyes for the last time, and whisper to no one in particular "I love you." I love you Dawn, Willow, Xander, Riley, Anya, Tara, Giles, and especially Angel.  
  
Riley jumps beside me. He knows now too. He knows I am gone. As my soul rises from my still body, I look down on what I'd become. It was so long since I saw a mirror. I was pale, and thin, so horribly thin. My hair had gone darker, I hadn't been able to keep up with dying it. I looked dead, well, I was dead, but I looked like I'd been dead for a long time.  
  
I lean over and kiss Riley's cheek. "Thank you," I whisper, though he can't hear me. "For caring, and I'm sorry I couldn't love you enough." 


End file.
