Legend of Zelda Pretentious

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda. If I did, I'd have Shad work one of my jobs and Midna work the other. Screw the second part, Midna wouldn't be the best in customer service. :P**

"**Pretentious" is rated "K+" for mild language and adult themes.**

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_**Pretentious  
**__A Legend of Zelda Fanfiction_

Hyrule's greatest celebration of the year was coming tomorrow, and there was only one person in the entire country without a date.

_Me_.

You'd think that thousands and thousands of handsome boys from Hyrule and even neighboring countries would dash in and nearly hurt themselves for the opportunity to date the most beautiful and powerful woman in the entire land, the one and only Princess Zelda, but not _one _had offered his hand to me. Not _one_. Seriously.

I gave a _harrumph _and blew an annoying strand of milky brown hair out of my eyes—the little bugger never stayed in the braid where it properly belonged—and ignored the gasps and whispers of the townsfolk who were completely befuddled that the ruler of Hyrule was out in the middle of the day in casual clothing with absolutely no protection whatsoever. Please. I didn't need a thousand security guards—despite the Council's protests—I was more than capable of taking care of myself.

Besides, as much as I hated to admit it, a certain someone would always come dashing to my rescue the second I let out so much as a gasp. He'd come barging in, sword ready and poised to strike, sharp blue eyes filled with determination to protect. His beautiful blond hair always sparkled like sunlight, and his toned body would…

_Stop it, Zelda!_

I slapped my face furiously. Nope. No _way_. I rubbed my red, swollen cheek where I slapped it, playing with the little spoon that came with my coffee. The waitress nervously approached me as if I was wearing a live bomb on my chest—seriously, were the townspeople _that _afraid of me?—and asked if I needed anything in a wavering voice.

'_Yeah, I'd love for you to get me the hottest guy in Hyrule for a date. With extra sugar please.'_

At least, that was what I _wanted _to say. Instead, I just gave a polite shake of my head and smiled at the girl earnestly. She gave a nervous smile back and dashed back into the kitchen in point two seconds. I sighed. I wished my people would treat me a little more, y'know, _normal_ more often.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to guess what the busy patrons of Hyrule were thinking as they saw me anymore and relished in the gentle breeze. I had a perfect vantage point of Castle Town Square from my seat at the edge of the wooden deck of the coffee shop. I always loved watching the town and the people work. I loved hearing the _clip clop _from the horses as they brought in shipments from the neighboring town. I loved piecing together bits and snippets of conversations, trying to put together what the people were talking about as if it was some sort of puzzle. Sure, I was supposed to be in the castle giving some sort of speech to a bunch of rich old geezers, but I much preferred to be in the midst of the hustle and bustle of my country. As I closed my eyes, envisioning my beautiful country, an annoying, grating voice kept creeping onto my blissful fantasy. Within seconds, the serene look on my face morphed into an aggravated frown.

"Please, ladies, one at a time, one at a time! There's enough of Link, Hyrule's Greatest Hero to go around."

Did that boy do _anything _other than flirt in his spare time!? He was _supposed _to be the Commander of the Hylian forces. He really shouldn't be in the middle of Castle Town lounging around with a cup of coffee and slacking on his duties. Granted, that was essentially what I was doing at the moment, but…but…

I wasn't surrounded by heaps and heaps of Hyrule's most beautiful women squealing and squawking cheesy flirts every two seconds. It was _nauseating_.

"I see the Hero of this country is just as popular as his reputation stated," a new voice, one I didn't recognize—and that was rare, I knew the voices of almost every single one of my people—stated calmly. Tearing my eyes away from the Hero and his harem—thank goodness, I was about to barf if I looked anymore—I glanced to my right, where a young man was sitting down with one of his companions to a nice cup of afternoon tea. Using my excellent powers of deduction, I guesstimated that he was a knight of a neighboring country, likely from out neighbor Liore, given his armor, and he appeared to be about sixteen years old. Sure, he was a little young for me, but his dark black hair really contrasted his gorgeous pearl blue eyes—gentle and kind, unlike determined and arrogant, like the other set of blue eyes I knew—and he was perfectly built, slim but sturdy and toned beyond belief. Try as I might, I couldn't stop the _badump _that started in my chest—I might've been a princess, but I was a woman too!—and the flush that tickled my cheeks couldn't be restrained by any means. He…he was _gorgeous._

I took another glance at the stupid scruffy Hero surrounded by his women and huffed, fixed my hair, and stood, my legs shaking like a Chu. I was an attractive woman, wasn't I? I had a slender face and nose. I had bright blue eyes that could rival Lake Hylia glistening in the morning sun. I was built and my chest wasn't small, either. There was no reason why someone as beautiful as me couldn't get an equally beautiful partner for the celebration, right?

"Good afternoon," I spoke coolly but not without emotion, letting a soft expression fill my face. He glanced at me and a natural flush lit up his face like fireworks—please, I knew that look all too well—and I placed a tender hand on his chair. "Is anyone sitting there?" I asked, motioning to the empty seat next to his companion.

"Pr—Princess Zelda," the handsome knight bumbled, tripping over his words as the adrenaline of seeing a beautiful woman and realizing she was the princess scrambled his little male brain. He gave a nervous glance behind me—the only one truly behind me was that stupid Hero, and why would he care?—as if fearful for his personage to even talk to me, but ultimately gave a small cough, cleared his throat, and returned my smile. "Please, take a seat."

As I took my seat, which was conveniently placed between the handsome knight and the idiot Hero, I held my head up high and quickly turned my head as my eyes temporarily met with said bumbling Hero. Our eyes only met for a brief second, but to my delight, those already narrowed eyes sharpened even further.

_That's right. Two can play at this game, buddy._

"I see you are from our dear friends of Liore," I spoke calmly, grabbing the knight's companion's cup of tea as if it was my own and sipping it gently. The companion, a very plain guy who I didn't care about gave a small gasp of disgust that I'd stolen his meal. I felt a little badly for plain dude, but I would be sure to repay him. There was nothing more appealing than a lovely Princess drinking tea. The knight gave an embarrassed laugh and rubbed the back of his head apologetically to his friend, and gave another genuine smile in my direction.

"We haven't been formally introduced," the knight said, extending his hand. "I am Mars, Crown Prince of Liore. Thank you so much for inviting me to the celebration. I look forward to continuing our strong alliance through my reign." My eyes widened—_duh_, of course he was the Prince, what other guy would wear a gold and ruby headband?—and I quickly dabbed at my cheek with a napkin as I'd nearly spit out my tea in shock and took his hand. His grasp was gentle, yet firm. I'd heard many things about the young Prince, who was set to take the throne from his ailing father any time now. Liore was an important ally and it was imperative that we had a good relationship.

A "good relationship" as in marriage, of course. We'd make some _beautiful _heirs.

"Princess Zelda," I said smoothly. "It's a true honor, Prince Mars. Hyrule always welcomes its friends with open arms. I apologize for our informal meeting, but I will be sure to formally reintroduce myself tomorrow at the ceremony." It was diplomatic crap that always had to be said, but I made sure to keep my expression soft. I allowed myself to take a relaxed position and leaned over, just so he could get a better look at my _face_, of course.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could almost see steam rise from the ears of Hyrule's very unhappy Hero.

I could only grin.

Before Prince Mars could open his perfectly shaped lips to reply, I decided to just go the distance and ask what I really wanted. He was a neighboring Prince and couldn't possibly refuse my request. It would look _great _for appearances. He couldn't say no.

"As a matter of fact, I would be honored if you attended tomorrow's celebration with me," I said in the most charming feminine voice I could manage. I blinked several times repeatedly—as I had read in a magazine that was very appealing—and smiled. I was irresistible. I could see the way his cheeks flushed red and the way his body squirmed. Men were just so predictable. They were so helpless, so defenseless in the presence of a beautiful woman.

He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it promptly, as if he wasn't sure how to react. Another nervous glance to the Hero positioned behind me, and then an equally nervous glance as he gazed into my beautiful eyes.

_Just say yes. You know you want to_.

"Milady," he finally spat out, his breath and voice speeding rapidly at one hundred horses strong per minute. "I am absolutely flattered that you would ask that, truly, I am, but…but…"

But? I frowned. But _what_? I was the most beautiful and powerful woman in all of Hyrule. There was no _but_.

He gave a sigh to recollect himself and nodded confidently.

"I must respectfully decline."

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I _hated _my life.

Why the _hell _did he say no!? Why did they _always _say no!? I just didn't understand. I was beautiful. I knew I was. I knew men were attracted to me. I was always friendly, I never said anything impolite, I was rich beyond belief, and I was kinda the motherflippin' _Princess of Hyrule._ What did all the other girls have that I didn't!? I was perfect!

I gave a frustrated wail, throwing all the pillows off of my bed, mascara streaming down my face as I could not hold back my tears of utter frustration for literally being the only girl in all of Hyrule without a date. I sobbed hysterically, not caring who the hell heard me and who didn't, lamenting that I would forever be alone and I'd never get a husband.

"So Pretty Boy turned you down, huh?"

I gave an exaggerated sniffle and wiped my nose with my sleeve in my oh-so-dignified-and-ladylike state. Great. Just the asshole I wanted to see. Unfortunately, he was the only person in the Castle with a key to my room—I'd locked it, since I had a reputation to uphold—in case of "emergencies" so he could barge in whenever the hell he felt like it. And he always felt like barging in whenever I was in the middle of a childish breakdown. I gave him a childish pout, not caring anymore since he's seen me in undignified states for so long I just didn't care anymore.

"Y…ye…yes," I sniffled, sticking out my bottom lip a little bit for an added effect. Link groaned, clucked his tongue and only stared at me as if I was a student and I'd just failed a simple math lesson. He was dressed in his normal green tunic—seriously though, when did the boy _ever _work, not like I was one to talk at the moment—and tossed his blond bangs out of his eyes nonchalantly.

"You're pathetic. Seriously, Zel, you can't even get _one _measly little guy to go to the dance with you?"

I tossed a pillow at him, which unfortunately he expertly dodged, whistling and playing with his fingernails. I buried my face into the lone pillow left on my bed and gave another sniffle. I was sure the guy had a million and one dates for tomorrow. He probably needed a calendar to write down what girl he was seeing during what minute. It was just so effortless for him to attract women. He was hardly the greatest public speaker and don't even get me started on his several attitude problems, but women still flocked to him like a horses to carrots.

_What does he have that I don't_?

I was _so _desperate not to appear publicly without a date, that I did the most repulsive and unbelievable thing ever. I…I…oh, I can't even say it…

"Help me."

It was barely above a whisper and the most unconfident words I've ever spoken. I hated asking for help, especially to a cold-hearted, egotistical _stupid _buffoon whose ego could rival the entire world, but I didn't know who else to ask, especially with such a delicate matter. As much as I hated it, Link was the only person I brought down my walls around.

I expected him to snark and say some heartless asinine comment about how I was asking for his help, but to my surprise, he took my hands in his—and admittedly my heart started thumping a million minutes per second in my chest—and knelt down beside me on the bed. His blue eyes were softer than usual, and the smile on his face seemed genuine.

"Your problem is very simple," he said gently.

And? Don't keep me hanging, Link! Tell me the solution to all of my woes!

"You have a permanent bitchy expression on your face." He couldn't resist a bit of a smirk.

I frowned. Here I was, expecting some philosophical conversation about how since I was a Princess that was an instant male-repellant but if I showed them my true self I'd get all of the guys drooling over, and instead Doofus over here tells me that I have a resting bitch face.

"Really?" I scowled.

He gave a snort, unable to contain his laughter. "Yep. That's the look. You always look so high and mightly, Zel. You come off as a bit pretentious. That's…that's not cute."

_And what do you know about cute, Link_? I wanted to blurt out, but instead only a frustratingly red tinge filled my cheeks with the ever-apparent sign of embarrassment. Sure, I was beautiful and simply the greatest woman in Hyrule, and as such…

Oh. Right. _Pretentious_.

"Try looking the person in the eyes. Look up, not down. Try smiling for once." He stood, hands still in mine, so I could practice looking up at someone. He had a point. I did always look down on people, even if it wasn't my intention. Hell, I even looked down on Link, even though we were the same height and he'd rescued me umpteen billion times. At first, I could feel myself almost physically refusing to look up, as if some sort of wall kept me from doing so, but gradually, ever so slowly, millimeter by millimeter, I glanced upwards and stared straight into those gorgeous blue eyes that I admired so.

"Repeat after me," he said, his voice much more gentle and relaxed than normal. "Would you go to the celebration with me?" After he asked his question, he gave a small, genuine smile that sent a very happy shiver down my spine. So this was how he worked his magic.

"Would you go to the celebration with me?" I repeated after him, imitating his soft tone. When I was done, I also mimicked that sweet smile.

He gave a squeeze of my hands and released them—even though I found myself pining for him not to—and gave a polite bow. "I would be honored to attend the celebration with you, my Princess."

"Th—" I started to respond before his words hit me as if cupid's arrow slammed right into my heart. Wait…wait…was he just practicing with me, or did he _actually mean it_?

"Wait," I sputtered out. "You will?"

He gave a mischievous wink. "Of course," he responded. "I planned on going with you from the very beginning."

My eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. Link…Link planned on going with me from the start!? Well, why didn't he just _say _so, for crying out loud!? That would have saved me a gajillion problems, that was for sure. Besides, and as much as I _hated _to admit it, he knew I would accept.

"Why didn't you just ask me!?" I gasped, my arms quickly folding over my chest as my previously soft blue gaze turned stone cold. He better have a good explanation for making me suffer through loneliness and jealousy for a good reason.

He grinned, clearly taking delight in my misery. "I just wanted you to ask," he said with a shrug, and a light blush—seriously, Link was _blushing—_spread across his cheeks. "I know it's kinda selfish, but I wanted to hear that _you_ wanted _me_."

Not that it wasn't sweet—in a very strange way, Link was weirder than normal today—but still, I suffered terribly due to his shenanigans! Besides, how did he know I'd eventually ask him? What if I had asked a man and he accepted and his carefully laid plan backfired on him? Prince Mars would have accepted my invitation I was sure, but…

Come to think of it, Prince Mars kept looking nervously at Link when he declined me.

Wait a minute…

Maybe _I_ wasn't the problem after all.

"Link….." I growled, my face turning hot red from anger and embarrassment. He was going to get it, _bad. _

"I might have told everyone in Hyrule that I would slash their throats in two if they even thought about stepping near you," he said with an embarrassed laugh.

Talk about pretentious.

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**This story is largely based on Super Smash Bros Wii U. I couldn't help but notice that Zelda looks eternally PO'd and kind of conceited in her design, and after I saw a picture of her fangirling over Marth, I came up with this idea. As you might have guessed, Prince Mars is heavily based on Marth (changed the name of his kingdom so it's not a direct crossover of course) as Marth is my main fighter and I just **_**had **_**to write him in. **

**I love this pairing. I really need to write them more.**

**Please leave a review! It would fill my heart with chocolate and rainbows. :) **


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Legend of Zelda, Humor, Romance