Final Fantasy VII 1. The Dating Scene in Nibelheim

Disclaimer for this and all subsequent chapters: Final Fantasy it the property of Square Enix/ Square Soft. I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any material related to it. This is for entertainment only and I make no profit from it.

Okay, okay. I'll share. I've had this on my computer for months and when I get tired or sad, I read it and giggle. This is based on a story idea of mine that I want to look into about the concept of cloning. I fully intend to do a rather serious drama about it, but here is the off-shoot that I jotted down. If some of the themes carry into the other story, you have been warned.

I make no claims of keeping anyone in character, for the simple reason that the two main out-of-character people in an odd way never make it into the real FFVII story line, even if they look like they are there. Since they keep throwing unexpected situations at the other characters, everyone gets pulled ooc trying to handle the situation.

**The Clone Wars**

**By Tamlin**

* * *

On the outside, it looked like a normal enough house. The garden was nice with shady trees, pretty flowers, and a few small rebellious weeds peeking around the edges of bushes like scruffy children. The walk ways were all swept, but not meticulously clean. The house was cozy looking with a cheery welcome sign hanging from the center of the door. All in all, just an ordinary house on an ordinary street, with ordinary neighbors doing ordinary things.

It was the basement that had all of Avalanche, a squad of WRO security personnel, and Shinra's four surviving Turks clustered together in a knot of unease and worry. The basement was anything but ordinary. It was full of glittering machinery that was still whizzing and grumbling softly to itself; human size mako tanks that were filled and waiting for the next specimens to be lowered into them; lab tables with beakers, burners, computers, high-tech scanners and splicers, and other unnamable items; and shelves and shelves of lab notes.

"Sir, we have ascertained that there is no other person on the premises." One spiffy clean, but highly anxious, WRO captain saluted Reeve and glanced to where his men were sneaking off into a WRO transport to vacate the area. "We will set up a parameter guard to maintain a security zone for the clean up procedure."

Yuffie staring down the stairs from where they all stood in the pleasant looking living room, complete with doilies and flowered curtains whispered, "What do you think those spinning ring things are?"

"Don't know. Should probably blow 'em up." Barret grumbled from his spot by the quaint picture of a bowl of flowers.

Reeve gave his captain a strained smile, "Thank you."

Before he got any farther, the captain bolted out the door and raced to where his men were already backing the truck out of the drive. "Yes, sir. I will instantly set up that parameter line. I'm right on it!"

Vincent watched him go. "Twelve minutes."

"Damn." Cid pulled his cigarette from between his lips, dropped it onto the pretty light blue carpet, and stamped on it. "I was sure he'd last for fifteen. Ya gotta get better people, Reeve."

"You shouldn't bet with Turks," Reno laughed. "We only bet on sure things."

"Fuckin' hell." Cid grumbled and stomped down to the basement. "One fuckin' week."

"It's good for you, Cid." Tifa skipped cheerfully down after him. "Think how much better you'll feel once all that tar gets out of your lungs."

"I like the tar. We've been together a long time." Cid growled. "It's a relationship."

Tseng ghosted down the stairs after shoving Reno into going before him. Rude waited politely as Nanaki and Cloud stepped past him before heading down himself with Elena at his heels. Barret and a whining Yuffie came down after Vincent huffed a little at a picture of a cute little girl with a puppy standing on her dress.

"This place is just wrong." Vincent shook his head and pulling Reeve along decended into the basement.

"Mad scientists have to have a home too." Reeve grimaced at the smell of Morning Dew air freshener that chose that moment to spray its delicate aroma into the stairwell.

As they reached the bottom, Tseng went over to the bookcases and picked up a text. "It's definitely Hojo's." He turned the book so everyone could see the writing scrawled across the page in messy loops and swirls. "It looks like a lab record in his handwriting."

"Just as long as he isn't here, all's good. Right?" Yuffie looked around giving the still spinning rings a leery inspection. "Just what are those supposed to be?"

"Don't know. Just don't play with them." Reno slouched over to look at a table of sparkly equipment. "Someone's funding him. This stuff's expensive."

"We'll have to look into that." Reeve slidled behind Cloud, who looked unhappily at the mako tanks.

Barret strode over to a computer, "There's gotta be somethin' on that."

"I'll look." Elena volunteered and pulled a chair over to start poking at the terminal.

"At least there isn't any bodies." Cid rapped his knuckles against one of the tanks. "Probably interrupted before he could get any volunteers."

"Good for us." Yuffie backed away from the rings and bumped into Elena who yeeped.

"No. Oh, no." Elena frantically started typing. "It started something."

The rings started spinning faster and an ominous clunk sounded from above. A high pitched whine filled the room.

"Make it stop!" Yuffie yelled.

Reno bounded up the stairs and pulled at the now closed door. "The door's locked!"

"It's in some kind of sequence!" Elena kept typing. "It's not letting me in."

"Everyone, get together." Cloud swept the contents off a long stone topped table and pulled it into the far corner, tipping it to act as a barrier. "Get behind the table!"

Avalanche and the Turks leapt, bounded, skidded, and thudded until they all were huddled together. The rings spun faster and an electric current crackled through the air. The whine increased in pitch until it became a deafening shriek. The lights overhead flickered, browning out then snapping back to an almost unbearable intensity before blowing out in small pops.

"Oh my gawd!" Yuffie screamed as a wind rushed over the top of the table and complete darkness covered the room.

Then there was silence.

They all huddled behind their shelter a few more minutes then cautiously, Cloud poked his head over the top, "Looks clear."

"Can you actually see anything?" Cid muttered.

"A little." Cloud looked about. "Uh…something's a bit off."

"What?" Yuffie popped her head over the top of the table too, to look around.

"We're in a supply closet." Cloud pointed to a dim corner. "There's a broom over there, and a mop over there."

Tseng stood up, accidentally…sort of…stepping on Barrets human hand. "There wasn't one there…"

He trailed off as someone flung a door open that had not been there a few moments before, reached in and fumbled for a light switch. "Damn switch…Oh, fuck it. I'm not wiping that mess up. It'll evaporate on its own."

The door closed.

Vincent stood up, frowning. "I… I remember that voice…"

He gracefully leapt over the table and walked to the door, glancing around him as he went. "Impossible… completely impossible."

"Hey, Vinnie, what is it?" Yuffie tried to imitate his jump, but only managed an undignified scramble.

"Impossible." He breathed again.

"Vincent. What is going on?" Cloud came over as Vincent opened the door, looked out into the hall, then slammed it shut and leaned on it.

"Impossible."

"Vince, you might want to expand your vocabulary there a bit." Cid and the others crowded around. "What's so fucking impossible?"

Vincent didn't answer. He flung the door open and stepped outside into the hall that shouldn't have been there. He looked around, his eyes a bit too wide then raced away, his cape flickering after him as he disappeared down the long, gloomy hallway.

"Hey, wait up!" Tifa ran after Vincent with the rest of the group at her side.

"What the hell's gotten into Vinnie?" Yuffie panted as they rounded a corner and came to a staircase winding up the side of a long winding shaft.

"This place…" Tseng glanced around. "It's…familiar…"

"Figure it out later, Vince's getting away." Cid started up the stairs, puffing and a bit out of breath.

They ran to the top and scrambled out into a small anti-chamber. Vincent's cape was just swishing around the door jam so they tumbled over themselves catching up.

"Vincent, while I understand your dislike of being in a basement…" Nanaki looked around the opulent interior of what appeared to be a mansion. "…an explaination would be appreciated."

"We're in Nibelheim." Vincent looked wildly around. "It looks just like it did."

Cloud nodded, "It's Nibelheim." He walked across the landing heading towards the sunroom. "It looks nice."

"It's a hell pit." Vincent hissed looking warily around. "We need to find our way back."

"Vincent! There you are!" A happy voice called from behind them. "I thought that was you streaking past."

Vincent whipped around reflexively pushing his friends, and not friends, behind him protectively. If this was some Hojo inspired trick he wanted…

Lucrecia.

She stood smiling at him. "I just have one question…well, okay two." She put her hands on her hips and looked Vincent up and down. "Why are you dressed like a depressed vampire?"

Vincent, his gaze riveted by the sight of his beloved, opened his mouth and started stuttering an answer.

"No. No." Lucrecia waved her hand, brushing her own question away. "Never mind. I have a more important question to ask you."

"Lucrecia…I…"

"Now it will just take one minute." Lucrecia frowned, biting her lip and glancing down towards the basement labs. ""Vincent, hypothetically. If you found out that your…coworker say…was cloning you in the basement because he's too much of a gnome to get a woman any other way, what would you do?"

Vincent looked nervously around. Someplace in his head warning bells were ringing loudly and an air raid siren was going off. "What do you mean?"

Lucrecia huffed an annoyed sigh. ""Just answer the question…No, I take that back. Pick. Would you A) Report him to the nearest mental health professional for immediate commitment to the local sanitarium."

Vincent frowned. His mind was trying to warn him about something. Something important. Something that he should heed and probably run away from quickly. "Uhm… uh…"

Lucrecia, counting things out on her fingers innocently, continued "…B) Inform Shinra that one of their scientists is using company money to get laid."

"Lucreica…"

"No. No. Don't interrupt." She waved her finger under Vincent's nose. "C) borrow a weapon from your gun obsessed lover, shoot the gnome, drag his carcass out to the gorge in the mountains and throw it in, then if anyone asks say you haven't seen him, but he was looking depressed about budget cuts."

Cid, looking over Vincent's shoulder, whispered, "You actually dated her?"

"Or D) Go back downstairs and reprogram the mental download so that your clone will eventually turn to him and call him a miserable, subterranean, science geek?" Lucrecia grinned up at Vincent.

Vincent rubbed his forehead. The alarms and sirens were now being joined by a public service announcement about imminent disaster. "You already did that didn't you?"

"It's only a hypothetical question." She looked up at him guilty.

"You should stay away from Hojo." Vincent tok a deep breath. He was on solid ground with that piece of advice, but he couldn't understand why Lucrecia, he sweet darling Lucrecia, was making him want to run up the mountain and hide in one of the caves.

"I never said it was Hojo! It was just a hypothetical question! I could have been talking about…Franklin!" She looked more guilty.

"I thought Franklin was a moron who couldn't tell a test tube from a Bunsen burner." Vincent, remembering who the man down in the basement was, tried glaring, but with Cid leaning against his shoulder snickering, it was difficult.

"Just answer the question Vincent!" Lucrecia stamped her foot looking like an angel throwing a tantrum about a missing halo.

"What did you do?!" Hojo whipped around the corner and glared menacingly at Lucrecia. He looked younger than Vincent remembered him, but still mostly the same.

"I was talking to Vincent." Her nose went up into the air as if something foul had come close to her.

"I heard that! You were playing with my clone!" Hojo waved his finger at her looking furious.

"Well, you certainly won't be able to." She looked down at Hojo's crotch pointedly. "Besides, you bungled the whole thing."

"Did not!" He looked down his nose at her. "She's perfect…not that you have the brains to tell the difference."

"Ha! I could make a better one!" Lucrecia snapped and turned on Hojo.

"Could not!"

"Could to!"

"Valentine, maybe we should…" Tseng stepped forward trying to get Vincent back to the quest to get them out of that place.

"A Turk." Lucrecia breathed reverently as she spotted the Wutaian.

"Yes, a Turk." Hojo looked like Christmas has come early.

Tseng, feeling a cold chill run up his spin, stepped back. The rest of Avalanche and his fellow Turks stirred uneasily as the two scientists crept closer.

Lucrecia peered around Vincent, "Wow, four of them."

Hojo peered around Vincent's other side. "New Turks."

Vincent, in an attempt to shield his teammates, spread his arms. "Now wait…"

"We just have a few questions!" Lucrecia's eyes were wide and excited.

"Only a questionnaire!" Hojo bit his lip quivering in joy. "It was so nice of you to bring them here, Vincent! How did you know we needed more subjects to…"

Lucrecia elbowed Hojo and whispered, "Volunteers."

"Oh, yes…volunteers to participate in our job quality survey!" Hojo started rummaging in his pockets.

In desperation and some long buried instinct to protect fellow Turks from danger, destruction, and becoming experiments in any type of lab related activity, Vincent wildly blurted out. "I thought you were going to go clone each other."

They both stopped, blinked, then turned to look at each other.

Hojo laughed, "She can't. She needs a DNA samp…"

Lucrecia lunged, yanked a few strands of hair out of Hojo's head, and ran down towards the labs. "HA! Take that, Clone boy!"

"You evil wench!" Hojo stormed after her. "You'll regret that!"

* * *

Yes, yes. I will now get back to my other stories. I think I need to have Tokio start doing nasty things to her dear husband… Other chapters will appear. I already have chapter two done, but after that, it's going to be glacially slow.


	2. Lunch Break

I repeat. This is only for fun. If you want a serious plot, you might want to go someplace else. I wrote this for myself to giggle at. I'm not representing it as anything else but pure humor.

The Clone Wars

Chapter 2: Lunch Break

The combined forces of Avalanche and the Turks had scoured the mansion for some sign or device that could return them to where they belonged, but aside from finding that Professor Gast was hiding in his lab and refusing to come out and that the Vincent Valentine that should have been on duty had been called away to help search for a team of lost scientists who had been studying the mako caves near Rocket Town, they had come up with nothing. They decided therefore to pause to regroup and think of a strategy. Seeing that it was also lunch time, meal preparation duties had been divvied up, and lunch was being made.

"Maybe we could ask Hojo?" Yuffie was setting the table since no one quite trusted her to cook anything.

Tseng, pulling chairs in from other areas of the mansion to seat everyone shook his head. "And tell him what, that we came from the future because he had a time machine in his basement? He'd have us dissected before nightfall."

Reno nodded as he set a large bowl of potato salad down. "That's a last resort thing. Let's focus on other possibilities."

"How about Dr. Crescent?" Cloud came in balancing a basket of rolls, a bowl filled with corn on the cob, and a bowl of coleslaw. "Could she help?"

"Her specialty was biotechnology." Vincent put a bowl of baked beans on the table and sat down. "We need someone with more engineering skills."

He glanced warily around. It had been quiet all afternoon and he was starting to feel edgy. Someplace in his subconscious, his mind was desperately trying to tell him that quiet was a very bad thing when living with Lucrecia and Hojo. He just didn't understand why it would say that. His memories of Nibelheim suggested that quiet was a good thing, the less screaming, crying, moaning, cackling, gloating, and snickering the better.

He was still trying to puzzle it out when Lucrecia came in looking a bit more rumpled and dusty than she had been that morning. She smiled happily when she saw the meal and settled delicately down next to Vincent. Reeve, Barret, Cloud, and Yuffie sat down next to Reno, while Tseng, Rude and Elena unhappily took seats next to Lucrecia.

"You made lunch." She gestured to the food. "You didn't have to. We could have ordered from the local inn."

"Our pleasure, seeing that we are intruding." Reeve set a tray of glasses and a pitcher of drinks down.

"No problem." Reno sat down on Avalanche's side pushing his chair between Reeve and Yuffie. He hadn't forgotten the subject/volunteer episode and felt the other Turks were being overly masochistic sitting next to her.

She nodded vaguely back while eyeing Vincent critically. "Why are you still dressed like that? Is it the new fashion?" Lucrecia pecked a kiss on Vincent's cheek.

Wondering why all his instincts were screaming at him to run when for years he had only been able to wistfully dream of having her at his side, he gave her a hesitant smile. "My clothes are in the laundry."

"Oh. Well, running around naked works too, you know." Lucrecia absently shrugged as she pulled out her PDA and consulted it for a moment, making pleased sounds. "No pockets though."

Clearing his throat, as Vincent noticed Reno snickering, "How is the clone coming?"

"Fine." Hojo came in and sat on Vincent's other side as Tifa came in and started setting a tossed salad and dressing on the table.

Lucrecia glanced sideways at Hojo and snickered, "The perfect asshole."

"There will finally be an agreeable Lucrecia to grace our lives." Hojo picked up the potato salad and put a large spoonful on Vincent's plate.

"A Hojo that will actually be dedicated to his work instead of roving around cloning his coworkers." Lucrecia picked up the corn and after minutely inspecting them placed a few ears on Vincent's plate.

Hojo laughed and rolled his eyes, "I'm sure he'll be a success."

"I'm sure Ms. Perfect will be very agreeable too." Lucrecia's laugh got down right evil.

"What did you do?" Hojo looked around Vincent suspiciously while spooning a large helping of baked beans onto Vincent's plate.

"Nothing…much." Lucrecia poured Vincent a large glass of milk and set it in front of him. "It's not like I could have broken what was already broke."

"Just as I couldn't have possibly made your creation any worse." Hojo set two rolls on the side of Vincent's plate.

Lucrecia and Hojo paused to glare at each other. The members of Avalanche that were present and all of the Turks had been following the argument closely and watching as Vincent's plate got piled higher and higher with the choicest bits from all the bowls.

"Dear Planet…" Reeve breathed, "They're both…"

Vincent glared at Reeve. This was Lucrecia and no one, no friend, no Turk, was allowed to breath a single breath of criticism about her. It didn't matter that the entire conversation was stirring a faint recollection that there had been no lost scientists and that he'd spent two weeks in what would one day become Rocket Town drunk and mumbling about loopy scientists. All that mattered that his beloved was here at his side, healthy, happy, and enjoying herself. Even if what she was enjoying was taunting Hojo with a Hojo clone.

Reeve gulped, "…trying to fatten you up."

Hojo patted Vincent's shoulder. "He takes care of us, so we make sure he gets the best of everything."

"That's right." Lucrecia nodded. "It's only fair. Some nut case could come in here and try and kill us and Vincent would die to keep us safe, so we take care of him." She looked across at Hojo. "Someone is being slow with the laundry. Vincent only has this stupid outfit to wear."

"Hmph." Hojo looked disgustedly towards the servant's quarters. "I'll go talk to them. They have orders to make sure all his clothes are properly cleaned and in his closet in less than two hours. He's been wearing that all day."

"Unacceptable." Lucrecia sniffed patting Vincent's arm lightly. "We'll have to go to town and get him another couple of suits."

"Agreed." Hojo frowned. "Winter is coming. How about a couple of wool suits? Or better yet, I saw some nice cashmere in one of the shop windows. That would be warm and comfortable."

"Only if we pick him up some silk thermals." Lucrecia nodded buttering Vincent's rolls. "You know how sensitive his skin is."

"True." Hojo nodded. "I hate to see him squirming because of cheap cloth. Shinra really should take better care of their employees." He made a slight disgusted sound as he frowned. "Remember that rash he got from that disgusting wool suit they sent him last spring?"

"Horrible. He was itchy for two whole days." Lucrecia stroked Vincent's arm lovingly and smiled up at him. "But don't you worry. We won't pick out anything that might irritate you." She looked back at Hojo. "How about a silk blend?"

"Yes…hmmm… We might have to special order that. I doubt we'd be able to find that in this backwater." Hojo gave Vincent a cheerful smile. "But don't worry, well have those cashmere to you by tomorrow."

"You know, you two are suspiciously friendly to him." Reno looked over at them then looked directly at Hojo. "I thought you didn't like him."

Hojo and Lucrecia both paused, looking shocked.

"Suspicious?" Lucrecia set the buttered roll down.

"Don't like him?" Hojo stopped polishing Vincent's silverware.

"We adore him!" Lucrecia glared angrily at Reno.

"How could you even think to believe that we…" Hojo gave Reno a duplicate glare.

"He's our beloved, gun happy Turk." Lucrecia hugged Vincent's arm. "What would we do without him?"

"We admit," Hojo glanced sadly over to Lucrecia who nodded, "that he will probably leave us one day. The life of caring for two absent minded, over enthusiastic scientists has to be dull for someone like him."

"True." Lucrecia turned tearily away then forced a happy smile. "But he's ours to love now."

"Hey, anyone got any lighter fluid?" Cid broke in to the moment as he stepped in dusting his hands on his jeans. "Those stupid briquettes aren't lighting."

"Briquettes?"

"Not lighting?"

Both Lucrecia and Hojo lunged for the door to the patio.

"Get out of my way you scientific hack."

"Let a real scientist do this you incompetent dullard."


	3. The Bath

I repeat. This is only for fun. If you want a serious plot, you might want to go someplace else. I wrote this for myself to giggle at. I'm not representing it as anything else but pure humor.

The Clone Wars

Chapter 3: The Bath

After lunch, and surviving an apologetic triage by Lucrecia and Hojo, who blamed each other for the sudden destruction of the barbeque, the patio, half the kitchen, and part of the dining room, the combined forces of Avalanche and Shinra decided on a tactical withdrawal to a strategically safe spot, the storage closet down in the basement. Vincent, feeling vaguely guilty, stood watch next to the door as Cid slumped groggily on the floor smiling giddily at Barret and occasionally toppling over to land in a giggling pile of over medicated pilot, Tifa dozed leaning against an equally zonked Cloud, who was drooling happily and mumbling about geshal greens, and the rest of the group looking like cast extras from the losing side of a war movie.

'…did you see how fast that briquette took out Cloud?" Reno whispered, trying to peer through the droopy bandages that wrapped around his head and goggles. "I thought he was doing great with that multiple sword limit break thingy, then vooom! Smack!"

Tseng, nodded woozily from where he was sitting propped up against a crate. "He got off lucky."

Yuffie winced, "I'm sure your mother will understand… it wasn't like you decided on your own not to have kids. That fork just…" She squished her eyes shut, "Oh fuck, I don't suppose you slept around by any chance? Maybe you might have a spare kid around to keep your mom happy?"

Tseng attempted glaring, but with the amount of pain killers in his system it was difficult. "I don't want to discuss that."

"Dr. Crescent did say there was a chance that the damage wasn't as extensive as…" Elena handed him an ice pack which he grabbed and instantly put on his lap.

Reeve waved his bandaged hands, "We've got to concentrate on the problem at hand. We need to return to our own time."

"Before we die." Rude mumbled around swollen lips and a heavily bruised jaw.

Vincent shuffled closer to the door. He was the only one of their party that had escaped injury during the briquette fiasco. When the flying hunks of meat, charcoal, cooking utensils, and shrapnel had exploded through the room, he'd been already out in the main foyer, prompted there in an unconscious response to the looks of glee on Lucrecia and Hojo's faces as they raced out towards the gas barbeque. The only other people that had managed to come out of the disaster unscathed had been the two responsible for the incineration and explosion.

"We could ask Gast…" Reeve nipped worriedly at the edge of one bandage. "He might…"

"Flee with us?" Reno glanced around. "Or am I the only one who noticed that part of Gast's room, that he's been holed up in, was vaporized?"

Vincent bit his lip and edged a bit out the door. Lucrecia hadn't meant for the…the…the accident to happen and it had been only sheer luck that she and Hojo hadn't been seriously injured when the…the accident occurred. It was all just a unfortunate occurrence that could have happened to anyone. In a way, it was even lucky that she had been there to lend assistance, not that anyone was really hurt very badly. It was just…dramatics, well, except for that fork…and Cloud had taken a rather nasty hit…and Reeve would be able to use his hands in a few weeks…and Yuffie was a pain in enough rear ends that it was only just that hers now was a bit sore…but apart from that…

Vincent slipped out and slunk up the stairs to the main house, telling himself that he was just getting more ice for his companions. As he walked into the main foyer, he noticed a few odd splash marks on the parquet floor. It seemed something was leaking.

He squatted down and looked. Mako. What was mako doing on the floor?

"I wish Shinra would think these things through more thoroughly." Hojo griped from the upper landing. "Here let me."

"Is that six or seven?" Lucrecia's voice was distant and slightly annoyed.

"Seven."

Vincent stood turning to look towards the two who seemed to be on the upper balcony by the third bedroom.

"Okay, seven. Got it." Lucrecia muttered.

A white form sailed over the railing and arced down to land with a sickening crack on the parquet soaking Vincent with a small explosion of mako. Two heads popped over the railing and looked down at him innocently as he looked down at the green goo that now covered him.

"Another failure." Hojo sighed. "Vincent, you might want to move. We're testing shipping containers."

Lucrecia shook her head, "The ones Shinra sent are ridiculous. You couldn't ship rocks in them safely."

"Shoddy craftsmanship!" Hojo declared, nodding firmly. "I wouldn't ship my mother in one!"

Lucrecia frowned at him, "Would you really ship your mother?"

"She died three years ago. You remember that urn you liked on my dresser? That's her." Hojo shrugged. "Anyway, you should move, Vincent."

Lucrecia leaned a bit over the rail to peer at him. "You look a bit wet. Maybe you should change your clothes."

Hojo frowned leaning too, "You really should, perhaps a nice shower too, or better yet," He turned to Lucrecia, "did they get that Jacuzzi set up in the guest bath?"

"Yes," Lucrecia nodded firmly. "Go rinse off and I'll go run a bath for you."

"Wait…" Vincent reached out a hand as if he could catch her as she disappeared.

"Hurry along, Vincent." Hojo made a shooing gesture. "You shouldn't just stand around in mako soaked clothing. It isn't good for you. You wouldn't believe the skin irritations that you might get if that stuff sits on your skin too long."

"But…"

"I'll see to your clothing." Hojo slipped back, disappearing from view, but calling down. "Is that cape dry clean only? Never mind… I've got a…no that might…oh, I could…no that vaporized…oh, yes, that should do nicely."

"It's dry cleanable." Vincent muttered with a deep sigh already picturing the unmitigated horror that might soon fall upon his cloak. His spotty memory even provided inspirational memories of uniforms shrunk down to the size for a baby moggle, shoes that exploded when walked in, and sentient underwear.

"Don't worry about a thing!" Hojo seemed very chipper. "I'll take care of it right after I finish this test."

Farther away from the direction of the living quarters, Lucrecia's voice chirped, "Bath's almost ready, Vincent. Get rinsed off. No soaking in mako…well…" Her voice became musing. "Wouldn't that be interesting….Hojo?"

"Yes, very." Hojo peeked over the rail at Vincent. "I don't suppose…"

"No."

"Vincent, please. I was actually wondering if one of your friends might want…"

"No."

"Hmmmm." Hojo disappeared with a musing look on his face. "We should really try it out on rats first, I suppose."

"Vincent." Lucrecia appeared at the top of the steps. "How long are you going to stand there dripping? I've got the bath ready."

A feeling of doom settled. Vincent looked at the front entrance and wondered if it was too late to bolt to freedom. He shook his head, trying to banish the traitorous thoughts. Lucrecia had drawn a bath for him. She was even now waiting for him. How bad could a bath, prepared for him by his beloved Lucrecia, be? The worst that could happen was rose scented bath water, and if Lucrecia wanted him to smell like roses, how could he complain? Resolutely, he turned and walked up the stairs trying hard to look pleased. "Thank you, Lucrecia. I appreciate this."

Lucrecia nearly glowed. "You're welcome, Vincent. I even put your favorite shampoo and soap in there for you."

"Thank you." Vincent bowed to her as he came level with the top landing.

"Just put your clothes outside the door." She narrowed her eyes and frowned at where Hojo was again throwing shipping containers containing mako off the balcony. "I'll make sure that he stays away from them. Really, what was he thinking…feet eating socks…"

An hour later, Vincent now freshly cleaned and very relaxed, lounged in the Jacuzzi watching the water swirl in frothy, sandalwood-scented bubbles. His fingers and toes hand long ago become water logged and wrinkled, but it was just so quiet and peaceful.

_See, no reason for worry. And the bath was spectacular. Maybe I should get one of these. First, I'd have to buy a house, or maybe a condominium, but it would be lovely to come back to._

With one last look at his pruny fingers, he got up and drained the water out of the Jacuzzi.

_I should get back and find out if the others have made a recovery. It was just bad luck that the explosion happened. It could have happened to anyone. It was lucky that no one…like Lucrecia…was more seriously harmed._

He toweled off, humming softly to himself, hoping that if he kept repeating inspiractional, forgiving sayings it might become true.

_I suppose I should also consider sleeping arrangements. I can sleep in my old quarters, but the others will need rooms. I'll have to look into that._

Vincent combed his hair with a comb and brush that Lucrecia had set out for him. It was, if he wasn't mistaken, his.

_I haven't seen these in thirty years. I wonder what became of them?_

Clean and groomed, he looked around the bathroom.

_Hmmm…where did she put my clothes? Probably just outside the door._

He wrapped a towel around his waist, opened the door, and peeked around the hall outside. There were no clothes there either.

"Lucrecia?" He called. "Where are my clothes?"

No one answered back.

"Lucrecia?" Vincent hesitantly poked his head out the door to peer farther down the hall. "Uhm…my clothes seem to be…errr…gone."

Silence.

"Lucrecia?" Vincent hitched his towel tighter. "Lucrecia?"

Hojo ambled by with his nose buried in a thick folder. He blinked surprised as Vincent made a small gwirble of shock and nearly lost his towel.

"Oh, there you are." Hojo blinked a few more times, then frowned. "You look remarkably pale Vincent. When was the last time you went to Costa del Sol?"

Racking his memory, Vincent tried to come up with a plausible date. Unfortunately, his younger self had been an overachiever workaholic and the last time he could recall had been just after his senior prom in high school. Also unfortunately, Hojo for some reason had decided in his own bizarre, unpredictable way that now was the time to level all his observational powers on him.

"You can't even remember can you?" Hojo harrumphed, stepping closer. "Look at you!"

Vincent clutched his towel defensively and backed away. "I don't like Costa del…"

"Nonsense! Everyone likes Costa del Sol. You have noticed the scantily clad women there haven't you…or perhaps the men." He scrutinized Vincent. "Hmmmm…."

"Women! I like women!" Vincent blushed, scrambling backwards with his towel slipping and desperately wondering where Lucrecia wand his clothes were.

"What! Do you have something against good looking men?" Hojo frowned, eyeing the slipping towel. "I distinctly remember…"

"No! Not at all…" Vincent glanced quickly behind him to locate some way to escape, but besides flushing himself down the toilet, nothing seemed hopeful. "I like men. Men are fine."

"Whoa! Vinnie! You're gay?" Yuffie's head popped around Hojo's shoulder. "Damn. Lost five gil on that."

Hojo arched an eyebrow at her. "Five gil?"

"Yeah." Yuffie sighed tragically but her eyes were riveted to Vincent's towel. "I bet Reeve five gil that Vinnie wasn't gay. Damn, my gay-dar must be off. I think Cid's going to be the most pissed. He bet a hundred."

"You're taking bets on my sex life?" Vincent reconsidered the toilet option and began edging toward it, hitching his towel up, and preparing for action.

"Sure." Yuffie turned her gaze to Hojo. "You want in? There's the Vinnie-the-Virgin pool with a when he's going to lose it side bet still open." Yuffie's eyes got bigger. "Oh, wow! We could now do a top or bottom pool."

"Fifty on top." Hojo dug in his pocket.

To Vincent's horror, Lucrecia arrived wither her arms full of a Turk uniform. She frowned at Hojo. "Really, that's cheating. You know damn well Vincent's a top and exactly when he lost his virginity. Or didn't you think I noticed you two?"

"I thought you and him…didn't you…about a week after we arrived?" Hojo sighed and put his money away.

"No. He was so clueless it would have been like seducing a puppy." Lucrecia shook her head with a stern look on her face. "Then I noticed you two acting like cats in heat and so I joined the fun."

Yuffie stood watching goggle eyed. Vincent gave up on the toilet and decided to just die on the spot. If he was lucky, he'd dissove into the lifestream instantly.

Hojo hummed to himself. "Well, that would explain a few things." He turned to Vincent. "Next time speak up! You should have told me."

"Just because you were unobservant…." Lucrecia huffed handing Vincent the uniform, keeping her attention on Hojo. "I figured it out and took all the correct precautions. I suppose I should just be grateful you like to bottom otherwise I'd have had a limping bodyguard for a few weeks until you got around to explaining lube."

"What precautions?" Yuffie prodded, pulling a small notebook out of a back pocket. "And what positions? There's a bet…"

Clutching his towel and his clothes, Vincent shut the door, locked it, and went back to the tub to refill it with water. He was staying in there. Perhaps if he stayed in the water long enough he'd turn into a small prune and just whoosh down the drain.


End file.

Final Fantasy VII, Humor