Final Fantasy VII 1. Chapter 1

Hi guys! Welcome to my very first fanfiction. I usually write this stuff for my friends only, but one of them convinced me to make an ff and put this up!

WARNING: This is pure and untainted crack. Not at all intended to be taken seriously. You can flame me if you wish, but I'll pay no attention XD

I wrote this on Facebook with my friend Hitomi. We had fun. It all started when we were watching FFAC _again _and I got curious and found out Sephy has a Twitter. So I thought, "hey, what if they all had Facebook?"

Formatting heads up: if the name is in **bold** then it means it's a status change, but if the name is underlined then the character is making a comment. Enjoy!

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**Cloud**: loves him to bits but can't stop thinking about how much of an emo I am...

**Tifa**: is pwned constantly by a dead girl who wasn't even hot!  
Sephiroth: get a fucking life bitch! Cheater........

**Rude**: just broke ANOTHER pair of glasses.

**Reno**: is still sexy. Just to let the laydees know ;P

**Vincent**: has been on Facebook before you were born bitches!

**Kadaj**: can't believe how oblivious some men are... I mean come off it, do you think i was talking about 'brother' in terms of family 'relations?!?!'

**Yuffie**: I GOTS MAH MATERIA BACK! Also, i threw up :S

**Cloud**: mmm leather pants are the greatest invention known to man... SHAKE THAT THING...

**Zack**: Yep. Still dead. But hey, I'm getting some in the afterlife!

**Red 13**: wishes he had more face time

**Aerith**: can't believe her boyfriend is into necrophilia....

Cloud has changed his relationship status from "single" to "it's complicated"  
Sephiroth has commented on Cloud's relationship status  
Sephiroth: What part of "you are my puppet" is complicated?  
Aerith: WTF? I thought you said _I_ was your "it's complicated" on facebook! YOU BASTARD  
Aerith: I mean, I'm DEAD. Doesn't get much more complicated than that!  
Sephiroth: You know, technically, I'm dead too. So is Cloud.  
Jenova: I HAD MY HEAD CUT OFF! And everyone has the guts to think THEY'RE dead....

New Update: Kadaj just super-poked Cloud

**Cloud**: is not gay for playing Singstar, just gay being 'part' of another guy...

Update: Loz just joined Facebook. Suggest friends he might know!

**Marlene**: thinks the adults should grow up!

Reno has written on Loz's Wall!  
Reno: Hey Loz! Your momma's so fat, she got smaller fat people orbiting her!  
Yazoo: SHE WAS A METEOR, OF COURSE SHE HAD A GRAVITATIONAL PULL  
Loz: You meanies!

Cloud has updated his Information.  
Hobbies: I LOVE KINGDOM HEARTS GAY!... I mean... KINGDOM HEARTS!

**Tifa**: has decided that men suck and is becoming a lesbian.  
Yuffie: NO, hon, women don't like you either.  
Reno: YUFFIE! Tifa... if you wanna be a lesbian go ahead but make sure you tell me alllllllllll about it! Thats what friends do, right? *heart*

Vincent has updated his Information  
Hobbies: Brooding. More brooding. Also, crochet :D

**Marlene**: asked her dad about the birds and the bee's and all she got was a weird description of 50 cents' videos...

**Denzel**: just drank this funny black stuff some guy in leather gave him and now he doesn't feel so good...  
Marlene: well thats what you get for not listening to me!

**Marlene**: thinks it pretty obvious to stay away from men in tight black leather!  
Denzel: But they promised to make all the pain go away! Also, there was candy!  
Marlene: BLACK LEATHER DENZEL!! LEATHER!? Who even wears that any more any way?! So... old school!  
Denzel: I thought they were special doctors! Maybe with magic potions like Cloud has! Ohhhh i just threw up. I think I'm gonna pass out now. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay  
Marlene: EWWWWWWWW! I'm gonna go and get Tifa!  
Kadaj: No need to fear, child, Denzel is in safe hands... I am not at all planning to harvest his organs for Mother's Reunion.

**Denzel**: has woken up in a place he wasn't when he passed out. He may possibly be missing a kidney.

Cloud has posted a Note! "MY PAIN"  
Sephiroth has commented on Cloud's Note  
Sephiroth: Dear Lord, if you ever write ANYTHING like that again I will cut your hands off.

**Bahamut**: Rawr ror rir rwar wroah  
Red 13: I hear ya, man.

**Jenova**: finally has another son who has got off his ass to do something about her whole... disembodied situation.  
Kadaj has commented on Jenova's status  
Kadaj: MOOOTHEEER! My search is complete! Now you can tell me what to do!  
Jenova: Then what would be the point to that? You should find your own way in life for once! I can't tell you what to do all the time you know, you little remnent! I don't have a HEAD! I'm not even sure how I'm writing this!

**Loz**: is NOT crying! DAMMIT!  
Sephiroth has commented on Loz's status.  
Sephiroth: GROW UP BITCH!

Cloud has updated his status.  
**Cloud**: is going to bed now. NIGHT!  
Sephiroth has commented on Cloud's status.  
Sephiroth: Without me?!? You little..... ugh.  
Cloud: Dude, YOU'RE RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!!!!!!!!  
Sephiroth: ... FINE. But you shall be punished for telling me such things over the INTERNET rather than in person. No sexy times for you tonight!  
Cloud: NOOO! *hides in emo corner and writes poetry*  
Sephiroth: GOOD LORD. Alright, alright, come over here. And put that pen down. I can think of other uses for those hands...

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Haha! So, what do you think? Love it? Hate it? Think I should go die in a fire? Let me know! If I feel like it, I might put up some of my other crack stuff, or even write more of this :D


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, you people liked this! Thanks to all my reviewers. Here's another chapter of cracky randomness for you. Formatting heads up: see Chapter One for details.

Warning: This is high-grade unfiltered crack. Abandon sanity all ye who venture here.

Oh, and the first "Zack" post is true - I took a 100 question long test as him, and that was what I got.

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Zack took the test "Which FF7 Character Are You?"  
His result: Cait Sith  
Zack: WHAT THE HELL?!

**Barrett**: Thinks Cloud should get some nuts! OM NOM

**Red 13**: misses his dear father...  
Cloud: Why don't you just use a Soft?  
Red 13: … I didn't think of that.

**Cait Sith**: has been highly insulted by a quiz...

Rufus Shinra has joined Facebook! Suggest friends he might know!  
Cloud: Friends? Rufus has _friends_?  
Reno: Yeah... I'd say more "colleagues" or possibly "bitches"  
Sephiroth: One word. Hypocrite.  
Cloud: Well, that's what happens when you try to blow up half the world  
Sephiroth: So how come I'm so popular?  
Cloud: ... Cause you look hot in black?

Reno sent a message to everyone in his Friends!  
Reno: Hang on a sec people, hasn't everyone just forgotten about the obviously STUPID and UNNECESSARY mistake that the great evil mastermind, Sephi-baby, just made? I mean... Hypocrite?! WTF is he on about? How was I a hypocrite?  
Sephiroth: Unlike some mere insignificant mortals like yourself, Reno (uber uke) I have abilities such as FORESIGHT. So, I actually put that comment way ahead when I meant to put it to you with your stupid and unnecessary mistakes, often as they are. And I was distracted by thinking about Cloud when I made the comment.  
Cloud: You were thinking about little ol' me? AT LAST!  
Reno: Whatever, man. You're just coming up with a LAME ASS bullshit excuse because you can't admit you were wrong.  
Sephiroth: … Do you WANT to be stabbed in the face?

**Barrett**: STOP. BARRETT TIME!  
Vincent: Can you be _anything_ other than a stereotype?  
Barrett: WHAT YOU TALKIN' BOUT, VINCENT?  
Yuffie: It isn't his fault, Vinnie! I think that the writers only watched old re-runs of bad American sitcoms.  
Vincent: That makes sense. And please, never call me Vinnie again. Ever.

**Cloud**: has just smiled for the first time in years. A trip to the hospital may be necessary.  
Sephiroth: What are you smiling about, bratface?  
Cloud: ;_; Well, I WAS happy because you hadn't been mean to me today, but that's shattered now.  
Barrett: QUIT YO JIBBA JABBA, FOO! YOU NEED SOME NUTS!

**Marlene**: is starting to wonder whether the man who appears to be a cross between 50 Cent and the dude from the A-Team is ACTUALLY her father....?  
Denzel: Yeah, I always wondered about that... Are you sure your mom wasn't seeing the milkman?  
Marlene: o.0 CID WAS OUR MILKMAN  
Cid: Damn straight, woman. And let me say, my rocket never had trouble taking off in HER launch bay.  
Marlene: THERE IS NO THERAPY...

**Tifa**: CID IS A DOUBLE CROSSING CHEATING... UGH!  
Yuffie: Come on, Tifa! You mean you didn't know?! Cid's almost as much of a desperate man whore as you are! No offence, hon  
Rufus: But Tifa, surely you would only have been quite young back then...  
Reno: Dude, do you want to think about WHO you're talking about and then say that again?  
Rufus: Well I guess I stand corrected...

**Cloud**: is concerned as to why Sephiroth is purchasing a lot of Destruct Materia...  
Sephiroth: IT IS MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE WORLD! ...ahem, I mean... I want to put in an extension?  
Cloud: Ooooh! Can we have a patio with laminate flooring?

**Yuffie**: Could kick Kakashi's ass any day!  
Reno: Only if ya got naked. He's a sucker for porn.

**Yazoo**: thinks the majority of men are disgusting pigs.  
Sephiroth: You included, I take it?  
Cid: YOU take it?! Well I never saw that one coming.....

**Cait Sith**: thinks that being a cat-creature is having an effect on his OOO A SHINY THING I MUST TOUCH IT

**Sephiroth**: is wondering why his boyfriend is so utterly useless.  
Cloud: HA! You admitted it! I'm your BOYFRIEND! NOT your puppet!!!!!!! YES!

**Vincent**: just had to go to the dry cleaner's again. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of satin?  
Sephiroth: Yeah well, I've had to get much worse out of leather before... Damn Cloud and his... skill...

**Zack**: Hey! Over here! Remember me?  
Yazoo: Oh please, dear, nobody cares.  
Zack: SHUT UP. I got a whole game dedicated to me. ME!  
Vincent: Who didn't?

Tifa has commented on Zack's Status!  
Tifa: Shut up Zack. Bloody show off. Typical fucking man.  
Yazoo: SEE! This is why I said what I did earlier! Men aren't all bad, darling!  
Tifa: So are you saying you're any better? Aren't you, like, only a third of a person?  
Yazoo: Yes, but I got the best third ;)  
Loz: The best third?! YOU MEANIE!

**Red 13**: just found a flea. You all might want to get flea baths.  
Cid: Oh, thank God! It's just fleas!  
Tifa: o.0 What else could it have been??  
Cid: ... um... TICS! Yes, tics... I thought I had tics... yeah, that's it…  
Tifa: CID?!?! Do you have to tell me something important after the other night we... er... practiced... GAME PLAY!? Yeah, Game Play...  
Rufus Shinra: Oh, is that what you kids call it these days?  
Reno: *snort* Did you reach your Limit Break, Tifa?  
Reno: I bet Cid really got your Active Time Bar moving...

**Tifa**: I resent that whole conversation and refuse to be part of it any more!  
Yazoo: As a gentleman, I also resent it.  
Reno: Only coz you're trying to get in her knickers.  
Yuffie: You forget that Tifa doesn't wear any knickers...

**Tifa**: I also resent you, Yuffie.  
Reno: Yeah but that didn't stop you from wanting to be a lesbian a couple of days ago.  
Yuffie: It doesn't mean she meant I was her girlfriend!!!!!  
Loz: WTF?!  
Vincent: Oh the immaturity of ones so young and inexperienced...  
Jenova: Says he...  
Vincent: Well I may not be the oldest person but my mind has a lot more knowledge and intellect than most other feeble characters in the miiniscle world.  
Jenova: Try spelling miniscule right and then I may start to believe you on that one, fly boy.

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Aaaaand that's your lot for this chapter! You like? Even though they are all totally random and sex-crazed, I was surprised by how certain characters remained remarkably IC in this one... XD totally unintentional, I assure you!

So, let me know what you think! There's still more of this in me - perhaps one or two more chapters.

xTidusx


	3. Chapter 3

Alrighty, after a bit of a hiatus, I return!

The break was mostly work related, and partially DISSIDIA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OHGODITSSOAWESOME

Ahem.

So, let's crack on with the crack :D (Fiction Crack that is, not whatever Reno thought I said!)

Reno: I RESENT THAT!

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**Cid**: is waiting in a certain person's bed with cling film and jam... oh yeah, this is gonna be a night to remember.

Cid has updated his Status!  
**Cid:** Yeah. Might have been the wrong bed.  
Cait Sith: DOES ANYONE HAVE BRAIN BLEACH?!  
Sephiroth: Mere mortals... -tuts- Nothing like that could affect me!!  
Cloud: Dare I remind you of the time you caught Rude in the shower with Red 13?  
Red 13: 0_0  
Rude: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER REPEAT THAT IN PUBLIC!  
Sephiroth: AGH! You reminded me for WHAT PURPOSE? If I am scarred for life, you are so getting stabbed.  
Cloud: I was only proving a point! And sorry, Rude, but it's not like people didn't know about it…  
Reno: Yeah, Rude, you should never tell ME secrets. It kinda defeats the whole point of it being secret… especially when sex or scandal is involved!  
Rufus Shinra: You know, Rude, when I suggested that "breeding programme" I had more of an actual possiblity of procreation in mind...

**Red 13**: is never going to live this down... but at least people are finally talking about me!

**Reno**: doesn't care what you all think - he is NOT just a simple-minded immature sex-crazed man-boy.  
Rude: Reno?  
Reno: Yeah?  
Rude: Boobies.  
Reno: … damn

**Cloud**: Whatevs guys! Anywhose, I thought I better let everyone know I'm going to bed now and I'm taking Sephi-baby with me!  
Sephiroth: Call me that again and I'll become a freakin nun... that means CHASTITY.  
Reno: -rolls on floor in laughter- PLEASE CLOUD!!! Do it! Just so we can see the great dark one winged angel in a NUN OUTFIT!!!!  
Sephiroth: In your perverted dreams.  
Cloud: Damn straight, babes!  
Sephiroth: As hard as it may be for you to grasp, Cloud, I wasn't talking to you. I was addressing the red-haired idiot over there.  
Red 13: I am offended!  
Sephiroth: You're ginger! And it's fur, not hair.  
Red 13: I am even more offended!  
Rude: But ginger is sexy ;D  
Cloud: I think we've lost the plot here… I'm going to bed and hoping we'll have gone back to normal in the morning. Night!

Cloud has updated his Status!  
**Cloud**: feels like he's walking on air  
Sephiroth has commented on Cloud's status change!: That's what you get for calling me gay; I throw you out of windows.

Reno has updated his relationship status to It's Complicated.  
**Reno**: I AM AN IMCOMPITANT LOVER

Rude has updated his Status!: LOL. Hacking in revenge is fun...  
Rude has left a post on Reno's wall: Dude, you should never ever tell me important things such as PASSWORDS. Lol.  
Yazoo has commented on Rude's status  
Yazoo: Spell correctly, my dear, or I shall be forced to smite you.  
Rude: Who died and made you grammar nazi?  
Yazoo: Jenova.

**Yuffie**: had a great time hanging out with all you guys again...and now has a new collection of shiny things!  
Cloud: HEY, WHERE'S MY WALLET??  
Yuffie: Dobedo...

**Cait Sith**: It's the roll of the dice, baby  
Red 13: Oh, how I wish you were more sophisticated.

Reno has left a message on Rufus' Wall!  
Reno: So, Rufus, what's with all the bandages? You trying to be Danzo?  
Rufus: I don't know what you are talking about...  
Reno: OH YOU SO DO! I BET YOU WANT TO COSPLAY HIM. IT'S THE EVIL ORGANISATION THING, ISN'T IT?

**Sephiroth**: Well, I'm ashamed to say I've lost interest in this whole facebook thing…  
Cloud: But without you, I have no reason to go on Facebook!  
Sephiroth: Well, then, I shall have to continue to provide you with a reason, whenever you need one…  
Cloud: Haven't you used that before?  
Sephiroth:… MIND CRUSH!  
Reno: Ugh… Copyright is so laaaame!

**Cloud**: 's head feels funny…  
Reno: So, which head are we talking about?  
Sephiroth: I'm not entirely sure which option is less likely to draw suspicion on me, so, um… MIND CRUSH!

Tidus has posted on Cloud's Wall!  
Tidus: HEY MOPEY! How's it all goin? Found your crystal yet?  
Cloud: Who the hell are you?  
Tidus: o_o *cries* COSMOS NEVER LOVED YOU ANYWAY!

**Tifa**: Has put in her video application to become the next Pussycat Doll!  
Yuffie: Seriously? …Ugh.  
Reno: YEA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Sorry, flashes of Tifa and pole…) You bet she LOVES HER some pole.  
Vincent: Even for you, that was bad.  
Tifa: Well it's just another attempt to gain his attention once more!  
Reno: You've got MY attention, babeh! I'll give you a –standing- ovation!  
Rude: Ew. Remind me why we're partners again?  
Reno: Because you can't stop staring at mah bootay!  
Rude: No. Just no.

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Well, what did you think? I don't know how much more of this is in me...maybe one chapter or something. But I have plenty of other ideas for stories... :D


End file.

Final Fantasy VII, Humor, Parody