Gundam Wing/AC 1. Chapter 1

**So, You've Fallen Into The World of Gundam Wing!**

The Mini Survival Guide!

A Helpful Guide for those suffering from Mary-Sue/Portal/Dimension hopping/Time travelling problems!

Hello and welcome to another edition of the "SYFITWO" series, my name is Bee and I shall be your guide for the duration of this booklet.

So! You appear to have "fallen" into the world of Gundam Wing! This may have slight reprocussions such as time line/fate alteration or in some extreme cases death by Hiiro (Heero)/ Wufei/OZ/Preventers/White Fang/Random space shuttle/Bodyguards/Relena/Asphyxiation brought on by believing you can breathe in space or Rabid lion. We are assured that the last case was a freak accident that had occured due to a million in one chance, but we all know million in one chances crop up nine times out of ten. But lets ignore all that and get on with why we're really here, stalking!

Ahem.

First off it'd be a good idea if you checked where you were and how you got this booklet (Although saying that this dimension appears to have the phenomenon known as "spandex-space" so don't worry too much about it). Paying the shop keeper would be a good idea, although if you feel up to it nick the book and run round the corner, lose yourself in a crowd and then casually walk away. Err... Not that we endorse stealing or anything but we all know you're going to go and pay them back as soon as Quatre Winner becomes your boyfriend and lavishes his fortune upon you... Not that you're here to seduce anyone. Nope. Not at all, it was a huge mistake on your part.

Right, anyway. You've aquired your mini survival guide! ... Or you're in prison! Sucks to be you!

Look around, see any Newspaper stands? Huge billboards/Televisions stating the date? Military uniforms? Huge robots burning, pillaging looting and generally making a big to-do?

The authoress humbly urges you to seek shelter if its either of the last two options as she likes to know her readers will be alive to buy more of her books. Otherwise try and see what part of the time line you're in. Due to the Random Allocation Dilema (AKA "RAD") we'll just use a general guide of who to avoid, what to wear and what personality to adopt. Unless you want to be totally original in your approach.

Scan your immediate surroundings for any of the following:  
Giant Robots  
Angry Men With Guns  
Angry Boy With Gun  
Angry Boy With Sword  
Silent Boy With Uni-bang  
Shocked Blonde Boy  
Boy With Braid  
Pink Princess

See any? Yes? Then I would suggest running.. unless weapons are involved in which ase point to this book and look puzzled saying "The book says policemen are helpful, yes?" in any foreign accent you care to muster. Running from the last 4 categories is suggested, actually its mandatory, Run! What're you doing? RUN! Got it? Get it? Good!

In our next chapter the main personalities will be covered, along with saftey procedures, why you Never touch the braid, mention the Zero System or Declare that Pacifisim is for sissies.

Hey, standard disclaimers apply, I own nothing and if anyone else has already used this idea.. well.. sorry D

customer feedback will be welcomed aswell as any past travellers seasoned experienced ;)

in plain language thats reviews, beta reader, anyone?

bee3


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Art of Blending

Congratulations! You appear to have made it to chapter two.

Chapter Two is, unsurprisingly, the second most important chapter of this booklet; it contains a 'How to' on the art of blending. Although this authoress often refers to it as "Super Secret Shadow Skills" so lets get ninja'd people. But please... Take that T-shirt ninja mask off your head first...

One of the main issues that we simply have to get into your heads is that it is generally not a good idea to march up to your favorite character and declare in a rather loud voice that you know everything about them. They will immediately have you down as either a spy (in which case you'll be tortured for information before being killed/thrown into prison/ an asylum) or, to put it bluntly, they'll be freaked out. Wouldn't you get ever so slightly weirded out if someone came up, hugged you, groped you then looked at you adoringly and said "I know everything about you, you have no secrets from me."  
Yes. Hmmm, well.  
Lets leave you to think that one over whilst we cover some of the conversation topics/actions that you can or cannot talk about:

Never touch The Braid

Some of you may know the history here, some of you may not. Either way lets be seen as nice people, you wouldn't like strangers coming up to you and threatening to cut off your hair would you? Well then. Aside from the obvious of "ouch" when your hair is threatened theres also the whole personal space invasion/ "ew oh my god your hands are sticky, don't touch me!" thing going on. Not that I'm saying you all have sticky hands. Far from it... Moving swiftly onwards.

The Zero System

The Zero System. Lets face it, it was an embarrassing episode for all involved, one certain someone threw up after using it, mentioning no names Hiiro/Heero, and the other became ever so slightly psychotic and went on a homicidal rampage across a small section of space. Please note that however much you, My lovely reader, use computers... You can't handle this. Really, honestly, truly you can not physically, psychologically or emotionally do it. Oh, and if you do you're brain will implode... Ok that is a lie but it will be the MENTAL equivalent of that happening.

"Pacifism, its for sissies!"

Wow, ok, this may be a hard one. First define what pacifism is to you by deciding what constitutes as violence, then when you've thought long and hard about your own personal view go read up about its history. Really. In brief its not all claiming that we should Make Peace/Love Not War, its a valid way of helping to achieve a better world for everyone. Not that I personally support total pacifism. Or Relena. Err... I'm just not biased. Not that you're biased, I mean... Lets just move on shall we?

Safer topics of conversation can be found in the film My Fair Lady. For those of you yet to see this wonderful film I'll give you a crash course in Eliza Dolittle-ness.

Talk about the weather, Isn't it lovely, don't those clouds look like rain? Or, if in doubt recite the phrase "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain." Everyone can talk about the weather with ease, its just one of those things.

Talk about yourself, usually you'd try to get the other person to tell you a little something of themselves, but hey, you might be forced into this anyway. Most torture begins that way so some of you may already have skipped ahead to the next chapter: **"What to do in Dangerous situations."**

Due to some complaints from the Yu-Gi-Oh edition the authoress will try to cut down the amount of running, but nothing is promised. You also may want to get out of whatever hiding place you've been using to read this booklet and go on a hunt for food, remember to always say please and thank you, even if stealing from stalls is involved.

This was beta'd by the lovely Windigo the Feral NYAR, who I believe suggested some changes which may or may not have made it through since this was all donw at 12:30 am.  
Readers feedback is always welcomed.

Have you or any of those around you been affected by any of the topics covered in this section of the booklet? If so please feel free to leave a review, these are available 24/7 and you can also ring our numb... wait we don't have a phone!

bee3


	3. Chapter 3

**"What to do in Dangerous situations."**

**So, You're In Mortal Peril**

Welcome to Chapter Three!

In this Chapter we are going to cover the various situations that some of you may find yourselves in. Though due to cutbacks we shall regretfully be unable to cover Shark Attacks, Bear Attacks, Moose Attacks, Food Poisoning, Stalker Issues and Deadly Prawn Attacks. If you would like to forward any complaints please leave a message via e-mail for our sponsers.

So, you're in mortal peril. The first step is to remain calm, calm like a big blue ocean. Think of thatbig CALM blue ocean, blue sky above and nothing to trouble you... Oh heck, who're we kidding you're probably screaming in terror and gabbling about strange portals of how much you love the person in question. Right now you're probably willing to sell a significant family member in an attempt to get out of there.

But it doesn't have to be that way. You can do two things

1) "Plead the fifth" for those of you that don't know what that is...  
- v. To decline to give self-incriminating information. Refers to the fifth amendment of the US Constitution, which states that no citizen "shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself..."

(source: Urban Dictionary)

2) Declare yourself crazy. You can get away with murder... Quite literally in some cases... Not that I'm condoning murder here you understand. The world would suffer a terrible loss if our favourite Pink Princess were to befall some terrible accident. Besides, they can do you for regicide (Your new word of the day!)

Mobile doll attacks are easily avoided. Attach yourself to a well know character, never ever be "citizen number 4" you're basically cannon fodder. Likewise with rebellions, make a note of not wearing the dress of the opposing sides, if in doubt don a beret and scream "VIVE LA RESISTANCE!" You should be able to get away with it if you scramble quick enough.

Held at Gunpoint by Heero Yuy/Yui?

Damn. Well, just, well damn! Don't look at me, I'm not a miracle worker. You probably got into ths position really easily... Um... apologise in as many languages as you can think off, try to appear non threatening and claim Relena will be very, very upset if she finds out you're dead. Then pray.

Commenting on Chang Wufei?

Foolish person. The less said about him in/around or just anything said about him really shouldn't be said. Remember young grasshopper, even the walls have ears! Don't be ninja about it, apologise, grovel, appeal to his sense of dignity and gentlmanly-ness... and then think about your specific religion really hard.

Playing with Trowa Barton's Lions...

Ahem. Why? Thats just naughty. Really I'm beggning to wonder what kind of people buy this book... Throw them a steak, walk back slowly and don't make eye contact. Climb something high then scream for Trowa... Which is what you wanted all along really, isn't it?

Duo's Braid

Oh dear, we covered this. You know what it means. Apologise, let him spill his story then comfort him.. And don't take advantage of his emotional vunerability... Much.

Quatre Raberba Winner

Goodness! I don't know what kind os situation you must have... Wait... Oh dear. Well Run. Run like hell and don't look back, maybe he'll calm down. Or pass out, he's delicate bless him.

Thus concludes this chapter, the authoress apologises for the lateness of the installment but hopes to catch up soon. The next chapter will be concerning **"Relena; Queen of the World"** Because you need all the background information you can gather... You must be strong to defeat your enemy.

Ahem, feel free to leave feedback It pushes me along. As an added bonus here is the thing that has taken up what little free time I've had recently...

http/i12. Done on a3 paper with acrylics

Have you or any of those around you been affected by any of the topics covered in this section of the booklet? If so please feel free to leave a review, these are available 24/7...


	4. Chapter 4

**"Relena; Queen of the World"**

**Observations Upon Relena**

Hello and congratulations! This is chapter four.

Its nice to know that the patrons of this book have survived to this level. It also encourages to write this chapter about a person that she fears... Relena Peacecraft Darlian.

This Chapter can be classed as highly controversial but I assure you these are merely observations made by me during my own Gundam Wing experience (Ok thats a lie right there I started to notice these uncanny resemblances between Relena and Hitler and had to spread the word, but I will give you a brief rundown of how to annoy her, what she does and just why she finds Heero so goddamn attractive, not that it takes a genius to figure that one out.)

Relena and Hitler

A List of Resemblances:

Lets start with the Peacecraft Kingdom. Don't let this innocent name fool you! Its official name is the Sanq kingdom, occasionally spelled Cinq, Yes thats 5 in french. Hmm reminiscent of Hitler's Third Reich pherhaps? But she jumped straight to 5 and got it right, they also had their own personal army... Ok it was an army of Noin and whatever Gundam pilot they were currently hiding but it was an army. She also had a pink limo... Like Lady Penelope... This has nothing to do with Hitler I was just poiting out how Thunderbird-esque she is.. She even has a Butler whose name begins with P. (I hope you all now hum the Thunderbirds theme whenever you watch Gundam Wing and yell out "F A B SCOTT!")

Relena ruled the world, granted Hitler only wanted to but she managed it. She's Better than him, she also looked pretty while doing it. Never underestimate a good sense of style.

She's shows Sadistic and Machoistic tendencies. i.e. "Heero come and kill me."

In Endless Waltz the bunker she's in gets blown up just like Hitler! (Un)Fortunately (for some) She lives to spout speeches till another day! Hurray!

Relena; Queen of the World

We all know that she waqs merely meant to be a pawn for Romerfeller when this happened but somehow she managed to twist it to her advantage. She's a clever one. Its around about this time she also starts to doubt herself and have angst, like any normal teenager. Except its a bit different when you're trying to angst and you have a friend named Dorothy, you're Queen of the World, have an army at your disposal and a butler. But she manages it and also begins to preach pacifiscm, Go Relena! She also insists on returnin to the name Darlian in an attempt to carry on her fathers good work, Yes, I am talking about the father who was secretly consorting with rebels whilst on government buisness. We call that being a double agent where I come from, but in Relenas world its classed as working to better mankind, or something. And then the giant purple ducks demanded to claim all the fruity peaches that were rightfully theirs probably (Cuckoo! Cuckoo!)

Annoying Relena

Just act like Wufei. Really how hard is that... Oh, if you're a girl claim Heero likes You better and that he hates rich girls.

Relena's Love

It's Heero. That gun toting, silent killer, perfect soldier little bundle of fun that has as many emotions as a stone. A stone thats never seen the light of day and lives on a rock in a blackhole 50 million light years away.

Fashion Sense

She has none.Oh dear God! Can you imagine attending her school? Wearing those uniforms? And her "Vice Foreign Minister" getup... NEENAR NEENAR CALL THE FASHION POLICE.

Join us in the next chapter for **"Don't Panic: A List of Things to Panic About"**


	5. Chapter 5

**Don't Panic: A List of Things to Panic About**

So, we have covered the characters you're most likely to come into immediate contact with and/or notice. But we have a few more to cover before you're home free, or not home as the case may be. But definitely free.

First lets have a look at those chosen few you're definitely going to come into contact with, civilians.

Like the good book says **"Don't Panic."** Just remember they're people, like you. Unless you're not a person… But Sailor Senshi, Half Demons and Beings From Another Plane are perfectly capable of looking after themselves I'm sure.

Lets review the first major hurdle,

Weapons: Keep it secret! Keep it safe!

In other words…

Make sure yours is hidden, due to the **RAD** effect we can't be sure if its peace time or war time, if its war time then you'll be shot at, if its peace time you'll be shot at.

Lose/lose situation really, don't forget that the STS (storm trooper syndrome) won't hold out forever and you may be hit by a bullet if you don't get out of firing range pretty sharpish.

And no. We are not all Heero, not all of us can take a bullet to the arm with only a "hnn", most of us will, in fact screams something akin to "OH JESUS MY ARM MAN DOWN MAN DOWN" or something.

Besides we won't have the Pink Princess to bandage our arm with the remnants of her pretty blue party dress. Although this authoress wonders if silk does make a good bandage…

Language

We don't all automatically speak Japanese as soon as we cross that imaginary boundary into the next dimension. So here I would suggest the helpful phrases "_Anata wa eigo o hanashimasu ka?" 'Do you speak English?"_ and _"Tasukete" "Help!"_ It might also help if you carry a white handkerchief, and at the first sign of trouble, lie down on the floor in a prone position and wave it if in doubt. You'll either be classed as non threatening or insane.

Moving swiftly onwards we hit the Oz faction! Here all readers should pause and strike a suitably dramatic pose whilst we await a theatrical lightening strike and rumble of thunder in the background.

If you got one you're a lucky sod, if you didn't that's ok, we still love you.

**OZ (Organization of the Zodiac)**

Ok these fellers aren't nice to play with, they also have a rather weird way of naming their mobile suits after zodiac signs, God knows why it's not like it gives them 'magical powers'. Headed by Treize Kushrenada, who likes fighting man to man, bubble baths, shooting and quite possibly Lady Une.

If you find yourself in a room with him, don't make eye contact and when spoken to adopt the manner of the very rich or the very poor. So you can go the cute lovable ruffian way o "beggin' yer pardon me lordship" or "Why yes old chap, I have a simply maaaaaaaaarvelous time on the hunt last weekend, what what."

Lady Une? Zechs? Noin? Handy hints for these lot:

Une- Just stay as quiet as possible and pray hard that you'll become invisible or just simply steal her glasses. Then run off, fast.

Zechs- No comments about the sissy hair, don't call him "Allen" it only adds to the confusion. Don't mention Relena, it'll be taken as a threat, which you really don't want, or it will serve to remind him that he is related to her and that you know it so he must now kill you so no one else finds out. Maybe he won't, but do you **really** want to test that theory? Just smile and comment on how pretty the mobile suits are, such pretty shiny suits, and of course total world domination is a good thing!

Noin- Yey for the Uni-bang! Make no comments about the six/nine connotations, weak onnas or how all her troops are going to be/have been mercilessly slaughtered before her eyes. Tell her she's a credit to the profession and how wonderful you think she is… and… maybe add that you think she's a good role model. Then maybe offer her some coffee or try to sneak away.

Next time learn about the Doctors as we realize why submitting yourself to a lifetime of training isn't a good thing in **"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like piloting a Gundam"**

No I don't own LotR or THHGTTG, I just enjoy reading them.

Characters are owned by respective companies, I merely borrowed them. If anyone thought of this idea before me… I'm only borrowing it too…

bee3


	6. Chapter 6

"**Doctor, Doctor! I feel like piloting a Gundam"**

Hello and welcome to the next chapter, today we discuss the pros and cons of being a Gundam pilot.

Unfortunately its mostly cons as there is the small problem of being a rebel factor in the midst of a totalitarian government. But we all want to do it anyway.

**Pros**

Well the most obvious advantage would be that you get to fly in a giant mecha and shoot at people and "stuff". Oh, and you get all kinds of strange girls attracted to you, ranging from princesses to doctors to psychopaths. And some very odd generals. But anyway, one other advantage is that you get to appear on TV! You also get to fly in space and highjack spaceships! Oh, oh! And you get to play dress up!

Well I think that about wraps it up for the advantages, moving on lets look at just why so many people can not be Gundam pilots. And then we can pretend we never read this and get back to our own private fantasies that involve swooping in and saving… Ahem.

**Cons**

Amazingly, fan boys/girls, this section will be quite large.

First off there is the physical endurance of a Gundam pilot, can you set your own bones? Are you able to take a shot to the arm and, more importantly, not bleed? Are you willing to kill other people who are not the teacher-that-gave-you-a-bad-grade-just-because-you-mixed-up the-times-because-they-changed-them-without-telling-you-and-oh-my-god-I'm-not-bitter-I-swear.

You have to be able to live with the fact that you just killed millions of people when you blew up that huge space fortress and it's not really like space invaders at all because you score nil poi. And you will **not **be able to survive being at the centre of an explosion with only a few cracked ribs and a couple of cuts. You also have to have money. Lots of money. Or shady contacts, who may or may not break your legs if your side of the bargain isn't kept.

One other main inconvinience is probably the most important. Your enemy has an entire army at their disposal.

There is one of you.

One fighting against one thousand and being able to walk away unscathed, with no lasting emotional or psychological problems is highly unlikely and whilst one in one million chances crop up nine times out of ten, they don't hold with sneaky battle harden generals who'll heat seeker missile you as soon as look at you.

Or fall in love with you, stalk you or threaten to murder you for even so much as looking at their long lost baby sister, damn you!

Thus concludes the pen-ultimate chapter, I hope you join us again for the last chapter and acknowledge the fact that this writer owns nothing and is merely making an observation.

- Well in my version there was no blood. Personally I blame cartoon network. Because I can.


	7. Chapter 7

**AU Gundam Wing and You: SO, You've Decided to Live Here**

Your Background Story

For those select few that have made it this far, (yes you, no you don't count, what do you mean "why not?" you got caught! Reading this in prison isn't the same as reading it in secret after slipping off to 'powder your nose' while at a fancy do with Quatre) I salute you. But you're probably wondering what happens now. Or what it it all means, when you get right down to it I mean really?

Sadly I can only answer part of the what happens now. You live your life the Gundam way (no, do NOT scream 'woo hoo' this is a serious matter for serious people... who are serious) and this chapter will help you provide your back story.

When I grow up (intheGundamWingworld) I want to be...

Not in prison. For those of you that are? Well, sucks to be you. I told you not to do that, didn't I tell them not to do that? You all saw me. But anyway, moving swiftly onwards, we come back to the old fail safe of lying.

You had amnesia, the things you babbled about earlier, where you told everyone that in your world this world is on the telly were the hallucinations bought on by seeing your home burn down. With all your legal documents inside, oh, and did you mention that the war made you an orphan? No? Do it now.

One assumes that you have used your real name up until this point, if not pretend to regain your memory and suddenly punch the air (not an officer) and scream it out, do a victory dance and chant "I remembered!". Make the victory dance as embarrassing as possible, it will be one of the few times you can get away with it, you know you want to, you may even (and this is just between you and me, dearest reader) kiss the nearest Gundam boy in jubilation. Though I'd advise against... Uh, pretty much all of them except maybe Quatre or Trowa.

Don't look at me like that, you know why. Because Heero would kill you (or Relena would), Wufei would scream "dishonour" and Duo would take it as an open invitation... to which Hilde (or Heero) would set you straight about.

Using your Skills (to pay the bills)

And if you don't have a skill, merely an antiquated knowledge of computers (think about this people, its the future!) get enrolled at a school (because if worst comes to worse, you'll either know no Japanese and have to go to learn it or know bits of it and claim that your amnesia gave you a perfect understanding of the dead language "English" etc.) and whats the worst that could happen? Math is the same everywhere after all. Unless they suddenly decided that one plus one equals zero point five to the power of two... Or something. Anyway, use your knowledge, capitalise on it, teach it, then rewrite all the pop songs you can remember on the grounds that most people will have probably forgotten about them and the rights will have expired.

Lets do the Transdimensional Time Warp (Again!)

For those of you that just sang that title in your head, me too, it was just me? Oh... Okay then...

Ahem. Using your 'mad skills' and falling back onto your claim of amnesia, plus using this booklet (and, of course, your stunning knowledge of the Gundam Wing Wor- put that down and listen! This is important, it tells you how to get home!) should help you survive until the molecular polarity flow of the hahaha, oh, did I sound intelligent? I haven't a bloody clue to be honest, and lets face it, if you have taken all that trouble to get here, you're not about to go home right away are you? And those that got here by accident? Take your time, stop and smell Treize's Roses and soon enough a portal or plot device will appear to carry you away home.

Well, I have been your somewhat helpful, unfailing cheery guide bee3, and you have just Fallen into the world of Gundam Wing, drop me a line when you get back so I can improve the next edition of

**"SO, You've Fallen into the World of Gundam Wing"**

(standard disclaimers apply, no purchase necessary, no falling into the world of Gundam Wing necessary, see a Mary-Sue for details.)


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Gundam Wing/AC, Humor, Parody