Kingdom Hearts Kingdom Hearts Pairing Palooza

"**Kingdom Hearts Pairing Palooza!"**

**By Kawaii n Junsui**

_**Chapter One:**_

_**Sora x Riku**_

**Why?**

If I even had to elaborate on this, it would be sad. Noting the bazillions of times Riku reaches out for Sora in Sora's dreams as well as when he reaches for Sora when they are waking. Not to mention that when Sora sees Kairi for the first time he's all like: "Hey Kairi." –Hugs- and then he finds out who 'Ansem' really is and he's all like "RIIIIIIIIIIIIIKUUUUUUU!!! OMFG!!1!!one!!" –Spontaneously Bursts Into Tears- "I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR JOO!!!" He then proceeds to fall to the ground and hold Riku's hand, crying some more while he tosses Kairi aside like a bag of old potato chips… As well as how Riku took a brutal beating from Xemnas during the final battle; and then after that, Sora helped Riku walk; DRAGGING HIM BY HIS BUTT. After that, Sora reaches to Riku and says: "We'll go together." As well as all this, Riku was supposed to be a girl in the early stages of Kingdom Hearts, but was changed to a boy at the last minute. Soriku is also the second most popular KH pairing out there next to AkuRoku.

**Why Not?**

Despite being a highly popular pairing and highly plausible, Soriku, much like other yaoi and yuri pairings, was never meant to be in the cannon world. Kingdom Hearts, may I remind you, is a **DISNEY** and Final Fantasy crossover. Disney, sadly, would object to such a pairing, as some of the people playing the games are as young as six and seven, even though the rating recommends ages ten and up. While Square Enix has, however, poked fun at homosexuality (For example: In Final Fantasy VII, Cloud is forced to cross-dress in order to save Tifa and is constantly mistaken for being gay) none of the characters from any Final Fantasy are actually gay (however, many are shipped slash…) Other than this, it is also obvious that Sora had very deep feelings for Kairi (the paopu fruit drawings on the cave wall) and sees Riku more or less as his brother.

_**Quit Touching My Butt**_

_**By Kawaii**_

Sora grabbed the edge of his desk and then reached up to slap his cheeks, pulling them down with his hands as he let out an elongated moan.

They might as well just put him in the loony bin! Just tie him up and cart him away to the funny farm! 'Cause Sora Hikari was _loooooooooopy_!

He was supposed to be drooling over stacks of yuri, he was supposed to be stealing and looking at his dad's various girly magazines, he was supposed to be running up behind girls in miniskirts and taking pictures with his camera phone! But _nooooooooo_, Sora wasn't doing the things he was supposed to be doing, and you know why?

Because he was _loopy, loopy loo_!

Sora raised his hand to his face and a single cerulean eye involuntarily twitched. He'd gotten away with it the first time, whilst he was dragging Riku through perpetual swirling ivory and strands of darkness and down to the beach. Just letting his hand slide a little bit south of Riku's belt and 'accidentally' graze his butt. He never actually did get caught those first couple of times, but it had soon turned from a dirty little habit into a full-out obsession.

Sora would spend hours plotting his next move, weather to 'accidentally' fall on Riku, or a pat on the butt for good luck. But by the third week of this, it was getting more and more obvious and between the creepy yaoi fangirls at their school and Kairi's new mental disturbance, it was getting to be a bit too much for the lustrous-tressed teen.

"Um, Sora." Riku had said calmly one day, taking Sora aside during one of their random activities on the island (this activity happened to be 'Beat Tidus With a Stick Until He Bleeds Profusely').

"Yea?" The brunette quipped in reply, taking note of the fact that Riku had put his hands on his shoulders, maybe he was going to kiss him! '_Oh mah gawd!_' Sora closed his unreal azure orbs and puckered his lips.

"Um, could you stop touching my butt?"

Sora opened his eyes to see Riku sheepishly glancing away, a light dust of pink spread over his face.

"… Yea. Sure."

And then they had run off to beat Tidus to a bloody pulp.

So, here loopy Sora was, two days after being personally asked by Riku to stop touching his ass, and now going literally _insaneeeeee_!

The brunette attempted to shake himself out of the weird trance by filling his mind with sweet visions of what Naminé could of done to him while he was asleep in that weird flower-thing. But no matter how hard he tried to put all his perverted thoughts into it, the worst he could get was the strange, pale girl with the flaxen tresses drawing on his face with a magic marker. (Little did Sora know that what Naminé had really done was put him in interesting positions with a drugged Riku, take pictures, and post them on various yaoi websites.)

When this had failed, Sora fished one of his dad's Playboys out from the dark recesses of his closet and let it flutter open to the centerfold. Yet, he was not amused or excited in any way. They were all the same blonde, plastic whores in his opinion, just smiling pictures with no feelings to give or receive… well, maybe to receive, if you get my drift… but all and all they were just pictures, nothing at all like Sora's handsome, realistic, silver-tressed love, glittering with small beads of water as he stood in the ocean, icy azure eyes displaying a serene beauty, a constant war with the darkness that made him so real, smooth lips as pale as frosted roses that made Sora wonder many things. Were they warm? Were they soft? Would Riku graze them across Sora's own as his hand slid into-?

"GAH!" Sora chucked the magazine across his room as if it was a radioactive cat on dope spewing nacho cheese. A single blue eyes twitched, as well as his hand before Sora took a deep breath and crossed the room over to his desk, toggling the mouse as his screen leapt to life. He'd read some yuri! Yes! What better than some good old yuri to get the testosterone flowing? Getting onto Google, Sora began to type into the box:

"_Sora x Riku Yaoi"_

Backspace

"_Soriku Yaoi"_

BACKSPACE

"_SORA X RIKU YAOI DOUJINSHI! HOT! HOT! HOT!"_

**_BACKSPACE_**

Sora wasn't picky about what kind he chose as he finally forced his fingers to Google yuri fanfiction and chose the first site that showed up.

"Heh heh… now this is what I'm talking about." Sora grinned, wiggling his eyebrows as he read.

_"Oh Sango." Kagome cooed as she seized the demon slayer's hand and brought it to her soft lips, "We can never let Inuyasha and Miroku know."_

_"What does it matter?" The elder girl with the mahogany tresses inquired, embracing Kagome and pulling her to her breast, "It is our lives to live and we are not committed to them in any way. We are free women, Kagome."_

_"Sango…" Kagome breathed, her azure orbs twinkling lightly. _

_"Kagome…" Sango replied, her own dark orbs coruscating with emotion._

_"Make love to me!" Sora gasped and Riku's lips were forced upon his a moment later, their tongues grazing one another as the two fought each other free of their clothing. _

_"I'll make everything to you." Riku hissed in reply, drawing his tongue down Sora's cheek and trailed his hand down his backside-_

"**GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**" Sora rapidly hit the X button until the screen had disappeared, still clicking as he did so until the rapid twitching finally died off and Sora began to hyperventilate, groping around his desk draws for his inhaler. Funny how he could run around fifty bajillion different worlds for two years without needing it, but when his mind went as sour as a couple of AkuRoku lemons, it was time to huff off of that puppy like Zexion would huff glue out of a bag.

"Fine! FINE!" The boy with the spiky brunette tresses chucked the inhaler across the room and stood up from his desk, he marched over to his bed and fell face-first into his pillow, wrapping it around his spiky head- though not as spiky as Cloud's, "If I can't stop thinking about him while I'm awake, maybe I can stop thinking about him when I'm asleep! HA! Take THAT sex-drive!"

Needless to say, Sora's poor, underused sex-drive was pretty offended and decided to play a nasty trick on everyone's favorite Key-Bearer… unless you like Riku or Roxas or Kairi or Mickey better or something… well, everyone's favorite _brunette _key-bearer. And if you think Kairi's hair is brunette, you're WRONG, its red. And plus, nobody really likes Kairi anyway, not even actual nobodies! Which is why Soriku is so popular in the first place!

Erm, anywho, back to Sora's magical sex-drive of DOOOOOOOM!

So, seeing as Sora had insulted it greatly, the ebol sex-drive decided to get some revenge as sweet as licking tiramisu off of Riku's chest on a cold winter's night.

Let's just say that Sora had _magical_ dreams that night.

* * *

"I got saaaaand in my toooooes." Dream-Sora sang to himself as he ate an ice-cream cone twenty stories sigh. Nearby, Dream-Yuna was beating Dream-Tidus- whom was impaled on a pointy stick- against a rock; pastel-colored unicorns giggled at a magical liopleurodon while heartless ate Dream-Kairi.

"Sora." A soft voice spoke, and Dream-Sora turned to see Dream-Riku standing behind him at the water's edge. The silver-tressed teen was dressed only in a pair of plain blue jeans, said silver tresses falling placidly around his pale, round face and iced azure eyes. Beads of water clung to his upper frame and hair, the dream sunlight causing them to become aquarian crystals on Dream-Riku's chest, each coruscating with a brilliant opal hue.

Dream-Sora suddenly realized that his tower of ice cream was gone, but as a reward for loosing it, he, like Dream-Riku, was shirtless and donned only a pair of simple blue jeans.

"Riku…" He breathed, floating into Dream-Riku's outstretched arms. Dream-Riku wrapped his strong arms around Dream-Sora accordingly and lightly kissed him on the forehead with those heavenly lips of iced rose that proved to be much more warm and soft than said rose.

"Sora…" Dream-Riku and Dream-Sora stood at arms length, unreal cerulean locked with icy azure before they kissed, tongues tangling and fighting a war that would ultimately never be won until tangled in-between its partner's loins in an oral embrace of eternity.

Despite how much like a crappy romance novel this was starting to sound like, both Dream-Sora and Dream**_ing_**-Sora were enjoying it immensely, especially when Dream-Riku began to pull at his lover's belt and trail his large hands down Sora's hips and they fell over in a heap on the ground. In his sleep, Sora's arms twitched, as they lay spread-eagled over his bed in the waking world and across the warm sand in the dreaming world. His legs went into violent spasms as he gasped for air, beads of sweat forming on his brow as he cried out Riku's name again and again, embracing the sensation soaring through his body of arousal and pleasure. The last thing he saw before awakening was the **_real_** Naminé hovering over them with her digital camera.

"Riku giving Sora head… oh yea, this is _so_ going in my scrap-book!" The flaxen-tressed girl giggled.

* * *

"**ARGHYAHHHAAHAAAHAAAA**!!!" Sora awoke with a yell halfway in-between an orgasm scream and a horrified cry. He bolted out of bed, throwing open the door, raced down the stairs, and tossed open the back door, sprinting over to his fountain where five unknowing pigeons enjoyed a Five AM bath that was cut short as Sora dunked his head into the largest part of the fountain, surfacing seconds later as he splashed as much as he could onto his boxers and ran around the backyard screaming like an idiot.

"Poor kid." Commented an old woman in the house next door, looking down upon Sora as he rolled about the lawn, unearthing clumps of grass from where she stood at the second story's back window. The old woman snacked on some prunes, "Always knew he'd go loony-toons one of these days… I should get my cam-corder and post this on YouTube…"

* * *

"Okay, Sora." Sora coached himself out loud with a deep breath, he balled his hands into fists and nodded, "You just need to get this off your chest. You need to look Riku in the eye and say: 'I've been having some really weird dreams about you.' And everything will stop, okay? Okay. Now, here we go!"

Sora promptly marched out of the secret cave and down the beaten path that lead to the beach where the others were playing a game of 'Hit Tidus In The Head With A Rock Until He Gets A Concussion', which Selphie was winning by about two hundred points, seeing as Tidus was already unconscious from the twenty or so rocks she'd hit him with and was still attempting to beat his head into a fine powder.

"Riku." Sora said softly. Said boy with the silver tresses glanced over his shoulder from where he was watching the Tidus-Beating festivities.

"Yea?" Riku quipped. Sora sighed, glancing away.

'_I've been having some really weird dreams about you_.' Sora wanted to say.

"I love you."

…

Well, he had definitely NOT wanted to say THAT!

…

Okay, well he did. But he hadn't MEANT to say that.

"AGH! I mean- I've been having erotic sex dreams about you- NO! I- I think you're dead sexy- NO, WAIT! Its just that I'm happy in the pants for you- NO! THAT'S NOT IT! Its just that- that- I WANT US TO HAVE WILD YAOI SEX ON THE BEACH!"

…

'_Way to go, numbnuts_!' The boy with the brunette, spiky tresses mentally congratulated himself as Selphie paused with a rock raised above her head and dropped it so that it fell of Tidus's already-unconscious blonde head, Kairi looked as if she was about to shit twice and die, and Wakka looked oblivious and high, as usual, '_You just ruined your chance with the most perfect guy in the world AND you embarrassed him in front of all your friends._'

"I'm sorry." Sora whispered timidly, tears rolling down his cheeks from his unreal blue orbs, his hands balled tightly into fists as he let out a sob and looked away.

But suddenly, a finger brushed Sora's cheek and the brunette looked to Riku, whom was holding the single tear on his finger, a sincere and warm smile on his face.

"Don't cry." He whispered, caressing Sora's face with one hand and brushing away more tears with his thumb as Sora stared incredulously, "If that's how you really feel, than so be it."

And with that, the silver tresses teen swept down on Sora and lightly kissed him with those amazing lips, which WERE soft and WERE quite warm.

They broke away and icy azure locked with unreal cerulean; but this time, it was no dream.

"So…" Said Sora slowly, "Can I still touch your butt?"

"You can touch more than that." Grinned the silver-tressed boy sadistically.

"So can I take that as a 'yes'?" Quipped the brunette. Riku beamed and nodded before they linked hands and skipped off into the sunset, searching for a more secluded part of the island for wild yaoi beach sex.

And thus did Kairi shit twice and die.


End file.

Kingdom Hearts, Humor, Parody