Harry Potter Genie, Genie, Grant Me a Wish

Genie, Genie, grant me a wish…  
  
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters and information do not belong to this author. They belong to J.K. Rowling. So don't sue me… please…  
  
"Tomorrow, due to the sudden demand of genies because of the crises in this world, we shall have a genie!" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he said this. "Uh… yes?" he looked at a student that raised his hand.  
  
"So who's the genie?" Ron asked.  
  
"You'll see… you all will see…" Dumbledore nodded solemnly and said a few more words that started dinner.  
  
Snape: This is ridiculous!  
  
Snape sat in a small tent filled with strong scents donated by Professor Trelawny and different colored candles that were also scented…  
  
Snape: Why the hell do I have to be the damn genie?!"  
  
He grumbled to himself and heard a sweet whistling outside. Dumbledore and McGonagall peeped in.  
  
Snape: Yeah, what is it?!  
  
Dumbledore: Just came to say good luck, Severus.  
  
McGonagall: Well, if you have trouble, just call on us!  
  
The two teachers went away, Snape hearing Minerva's giggles.  
  
An hour later…  
  
Snape sat in the tent, his costume now on. He was dressed as a genie! His long black robes were changed into puffy purple and gold Arabian clothes. He wore a vest that was laced with golden lace and green silk. He had bangles and bracelets hanging on his arms and legs. There were rings on his fingers and anklets on his ankles. But most of all, there was a large pink turban on his head.  
  
Snape: Come in!  
  
A boy with bright red hair and freckles came in shyly.  
  
Snape: (thinking) Oh mighty gods… Not HIM… stupid Weasel…  
  
I am the genie of Hogwarts! I shall grant you any wish!  
  
Ron: Right… I wish for… 5000 galleons.  
  
Snape: (mouth gaping wide) WHAT?!  
  
Ron: 5000 galleons. What? You said any wish…  
  
Snape: There are limitations!  
  
Ron: So? That shouldn't be a problem to a genie.  
  
Snape: How 'bout just a hundred? Give me a break! I have about a thousand more damn students!  
  
Ron: No!  
  
Snape: Why?!  
  
Ron: Coz you're a genie! You're supposed to be filthy rich!  
  
Snape: (throws down turban and glares deathly at the red-head) I'M SNAPE! PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE! GODDAMNIT BOY! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! (uses an expelliarmus and throws Ron out of the tent)  
  
Sits quietly for five minutes until Dumbledore peeps in again.  
  
Snape: Don't tell me you want a wish…  
  
Dumbledore: No… I just wanted to tell you that Mr. Weasely is all right now…  
  
Snape: (mutters quietly) Sure…  
  
Oh…  
  
Dumbledore: Well, see you around Severus… more students though fewer this time are coming…  
  
Snape: Jolly…  
  
Five minutes after Dumbledore left…  
  
Snape: Come in, oh fair maiden for I shall grant you a wish!  
  
Girl with bushy hair walks in smartly.  
  
Snape: (thinking) Holy… Why Gryffindors of all people?!  
  
Hermione: Hello professor…  
  
Snape: I am a genie…  
  
Hermione: (shrugs) So… any wish?  
  
Snape: There are limitations… money limit is 50 galleons. I'm poor…  
  
Hermione: I don't want money…  
  
Snape: (bright, bubbly and happy eyes) You don't? Granger! (tries to hug the girl but misses)  
  
(regains composure) So what is it that you want?  
  
Hermione: (clinging onto the wall because of fear) Err… For Professor Trelawney to… get away…  
  
Snape: Really?  
  
Hermione: She's SOOOOOO annoying!  
  
Snape: Really?  
  
Hermione: Yes… I mean, she treats those herbs like they're her babies!  
  
Snape: Really?  
  
Hermione: Yes… And she always predicts our deaths!  
  
Snape: Really?  
  
Hermione: Yes… And she smells like lavender crossed with monkey brains!  
  
Snape: Really?  
  
Hermione: Yes… And… (thinks for a moment) Why do you keep saying 'really'?  
  
Snape: Really? (shakes his head and sits up) So what's your wish again?  
  
Hermione: (frustrated) To—get—rid—of—Professor—Trelawney.  
  
Snape: Ohhhh!  
  
(Takes out curious-looking green bottle) Give this to her and tell her to put it in an oil burner and burn it…  
  
Hermione: What? What does it do?  
  
Snape: You'll see…  
  
A minute after Hermione leaves with curious-looking green bottle in her pocket.  
  
Snape: Enter young mistress, for I shall grant you a wish!  
  
Chinese-looking girl enters.  
  
Cho: P—Professor?  
  
Snape: Genie.  
  
Cho: Sure…  
  
Snape: So what is your wish? There are limitations.  
  
Cho: Err…  
  
Snape: Just spit it out woman!  
  
Cho: Professor… I'm not a boy… that's gross…  
  
Snape: It's literal!  
  
Cho: (shrugs)  
  
Snape: So what's your bloody wish? (taps fingers on desk impatiently)  
  
Cho: Err… (thinks for a moment) Can you make Cedric live again?  
  
Snape: (Looking at Cho with a very mad and frustrated look) No.  
  
Cho: B—But you're a genie!  
  
Snape: LIMITATIONS!  
  
Cho: B—But…  
  
Snape: No one, and I mean NO ONE can make a dead person that's been dead for a year live again!  
  
Cho: How 'bout two years?  
  
Snape: Definitely NOT!  
  
Cho: Three?  
  
Snape: ARGHHH!!  
  
Five minutes after Cho Chang has been forcefully thrown out.  
  
Snape: Enter for I shall grant you a wish… (very dully)  
  
Boy with messy black hair and round glasses and a lightning scar on his forehead walks in.  
  
Snape: What is it Potter? Nothing above 50 galleons. No dead people coming to life.  
  
Harry: Why did you do that to Cho?  
  
Snape: (grumbles) What's your wish Potter?  
  
Harry: Why did you do that to Cho?  
  
Snape: What's your wish Potter?  
  
Harry: Why did you do that to Cho?  
  
Snape: What's your—FOR GODS' SAKE!  
  
Harry: W—what?  
  
Snape: She's a lout! I can't believe you actually like her!  
  
Harry: H—how did you know?! (jumps back in surprise)  
  
Snape: Duh… who would come waltzing in here asking why I did such a thing to that miserable girl?  
  
Harry: (speechless)  
  
Snape: So… now then… (brightly) what's your wish?  
  
Harry: Umm…  
  
Snape: Get on with it Potter!  
  
Harry: I'm under some stress and it's early… it's a weekend!  
  
Snape: Fine… (grumbles)  
  
Harry: (holds up finger) I got it!  
  
Snape: (rolls eyes) What?  
  
Harry: I wish that Cho would fall in love with me… (blushes)  
  
Snape: (rolls eyes again) Here… (hands curiously-looking red bottle with pink bubbles)  
  
Harry: What the?  
  
Snape: Just accidentally spill it on her and she'll be yours! Now go on… I have about five hundred more to go…  
  
Harry: Just about a hundred, professor… I calculated it…  
  
Snape: Whatever! Just get out!  
  
A minute after Harry leaves with a curiously-looking red bottle with pink bubbles inside his pocket…  
  
Snape: Enter and I shall grant your wishes!  
  
Girl that looks like a pug comes in.  
  
Snape: What is your wish? There are limitations.  
  
Pansy: Like what?  
  
Snape: Nothing above 50 galleons. Sorry… I'm quite poor right now thanks to Aladdin… (sarcastically) No raising the dead. That's all I guess… for now…  
  
Pansy: Does that mean you could make Draco fall in love with me? (glittery eyes)  
  
Snape: (staring at Pansy with grossed-out expression) I—I guess so…  
  
Pansy: Oh please, Mr. Professor Severus Snape, Mr. Really, really handsome and HOT genie, Mr. Professor of the year…  
  
Snape: (thinking) Poor Draco…  
  
Right… Let him drink this… (gives another curiously-looking red bottle with pink bubbles floating inside to the girl)  
  
Pansy: Oh THANK YOU! (rushes to hug the scared teacher/genie)  
  
Snape: Get off me!  
  
After Pansy is taken away with a curiously-looking red bottle with pink bubbles…  
  
Snape: (Deep mysterious voice) Enter in oh young master for I shall grant your wishes…  
  
Blonde boy with gray eyes walks in smugly.  
  
Draco: Good morning professor…  
  
Snape: Oh… sure… did you know Pansy just came in here and—  
  
Draco: Yeah, yeah, asked if she could make me fall in love with her pug- faced ugly self.  
  
Snape: (surprised) Wow…  
  
Draco: So… did you give her the potion?  
  
Snape: Of course I did!  
  
Draco: Thanks… keep this between us… (hands envelope with 50 galleons inside)  
  
Snape: No one will ever know…  
  
Both laugh quietly and evilly.  
  
Draco: She'll never know that it's fake! (laughs)  
  
Snape: She's so stupid! (laughs too)  
  
(clears throat) So… Mr. Malfoy, what is your wish?  
  
Draco: Come off it, professor!  
  
Snape: No, really. What is your wish?  
  
Draco: (thinks for a moment)  
  
Snape: Potter falling down 30 flights of stairs? Granger coming with him? Weasely kissing that bastard, Hagrid?  
  
Draco: Those are quite nice but…  
  
Snape: But what? Not evil enough?  
  
Draco: No…  
  
Snape: So what's your wish?  
  
Draco: (eyes go bubbly and sparkly) To fall in love… True love, got it?  
  
Snape: (utterly shocked and leaning against a wall for support) WHAT?!  
  
Draco: (still in sparkly form) To fall in love…  
  
Snape: (thinking) Is this REALLY Draco Malfoy?!  
  
(snaps out) Are you sure?  
  
Draco: Yes… (sighs)  
  
Snape: (breathes deeply and sits down and looks at Draco firmly) This will be very hard for you…  
  
Draco: As long as she's perfect for me…  
  
Snape: Here… (hands a picture of a beautiful young girl with long silvery hair and light gray eyes to Draco)  
  
Draco: (mouth drops and eyes stare at girl's picture) WOAH! Who's she?!  
  
Snape: She'll be coming in next year… She's perfect for you… Rich, pretty, (eyes glint) smart, clever, sly, and she  
  
doesn't like those mudbloods either…  
  
Draco: (bows solemnly) Thank you!  
  
Snape: I needed to get rid of that picture…  
  
Draco: So… what's her name?  
  
Snape: I'm not sure… Minerva knows but I'm not interested in those things until they're actually here… Well, good luck with her!  
  
A minute after Draco has left with his heart beating madly and the picture of the beautiful girl in his wallet…  
  
Snape: Enter master for I shall grant your wish!  
  
Man with heavy black robes walks in with head bowed.  
  
Snape: (up against a wall with fright) VOLDEMORT?!  
  
Voldemort: Yeah, what? I wanted a free wish… So?  
  
Snape: (still on the wall) But you can grant your own, right?!  
  
Voldemort: But I wanted it from you… it's boring when you have to do everything yourself… (sobs)  
  
Snape: Fine!  
  
Voldemort: Yey! (jumps into seat with quite a lot of enthusiasm)  
  
Snape: (awkwardly) So… err… what's your wish?  
  
Voldemort: (thinks) Hmm…  
  
Snape: Oh please… (Scratches head frustratingly)  
  
Voldemort: Be patient. It's a virtue!  
  
Snape: Not to me, it ain't…  
  
Voldemort: I got it! (holds finger up proudly) a nice pink teddy bear!  
  
Snape: (stares) Excuse me?  
  
Voldemort: Geeze, man! Do I have to repeat it? (shrugs) A nice pink teddy bear!  
  
Snape: Gods! What's wrong with this world?!  
  
Fine… (pulls out a rather large pink teddy bear with a big yellow bow and a heart on its belly)  
  
Voldemort: (screams with joy like a little girl) Gee, thanks Santa! Oops… Snape!  
  
Snape: (eye twitches) Santa?!  
  
Voldemort: I have a teddy! A brand new teddy! (cuddles the poor teddy bear tightly)  
  
Snape: (still twitching) So what happened to the old one?  
  
Voldemort: Damn Potter wrecked it! (pouts)  
  
Snape: Sure… I hate him too…  
  
Both high-five.  
  
After Voldemort leaves with large pink teddy bear…  
  
Snape: (with head sweating and all frustrated) Come in and I'll grant your damn wishes…  
  
Fat boy comes in trembling.  
  
Snape: For gods sake!  
  
Neville: S—sorry Mr. Genie…  
  
Snape: What's your damn wish, boy?! (snarls at the boy)  
  
Neville: T—to let Professor Snape stop yelling at me…  
  
Snape: (rolling on the table, laughing) That's impossible!  
  
Neville: (starts to cry) It's not my fault the scrawny bastard gets upset at me so much!  
  
Snape: (pauses angrily and looms over Neville) Scrawny what?  
  
Neville: Scrawny bastard.  
  
CENSORED  
  
After Neville has been brutally pulverized and is thrown into the hospital wing…  
  
Snape: (breathing heavily and cooling himself down) Enter and I shall grant your wishes…  
  
Man with very long beard and half-moon spectacles walks in.  
  
Snape: Please…  
  
Dumbledore: Do you have any lemon drops, Severus? Err… genie?  
  
  
  
After the long day…  
  
Snape sits in his dungeon, his cool and comforting dungeon while drinking some anti-stress pills.  
  
Snape: This is so bad but yet… so good! (laughs to himself while recalling the memories of yesterday at dinner time)  
  
Ron Weasely came into the hall with bandages and an eye patch over his right eye.  
  
Hermione Granger is sitting proudly at the table… Professor Trelawney didn't appear that whole day… Says she's poisoned because she didn't do a ritual right…  
  
Cho Chang doesn't come into the hall at all. She's in the hospital wing… Says she doesn't want to show her face because of an accident she doesn't want to tell anyone about…  
  
Harry Potter passed by the Ravenclaw table and doesn't notice Cho Chang isn't there. He accidentally spills the potion over the girl Cho sits next to and she chases him throughout the hall with heart-shaped eyes…  
  
Pansy Parkinson spills the potion over Draco Malfoy and jumps into his arms… Unfortunately, Mr. Malfoy managed to stand up and away from Ms. Parkinson's grasp and she lands on her face in the potion. Everyone laughs at her, including the Slytherins…  
  
Draco Malfoy doesn't eat much for he is too obsessed with the beautiful girl in the picture Snape gave to him… A year later, he happily falls in love with the girl that is beautiful and they go steady… More years later, Draco and the girl get married and live happily ever after…  
  
Voldemort (somewhere in the forest or just… somewhere) cuddles his fluffy pink teddy bear and sucks his thumb like a little baby…  
  
Neville Longbottom doesn't show up either because his bones are all broken and his skin is heavily bruised with stamp marks of Snape Rules! And I'm a fat bastard! All over his body…  
  
Albus Dumbledore is content with a huge sack of Lemon Drops. Somewhere in time, he cracks several teeth and gets many cavities…  
  
  
  
FINI.  
  
  
  
Author's Note: What? It makes you wonder what you might want to wonder about wishes and if a most unwanted teacher is the genie that will supposedly grant your wishes… Ok, so it sucks to you or not, just go on and tell me… 


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody