Final Fantasy VII Can't You Take No For An Answer?

Cloud Strife hated Aeris Gainsborough. He hated her with all his heart and soul. A deep, bitter, unrelenting hatred that nothing could rid him of. A hatred so complete, so-   
  
"Oh Cloud, you're so brave and strong and handsome! Tee Hee!"   
  
Cloud's train of thought was interrupted by the nerve-shredding shreik of Aeris Gainsborough. He gazed wistfully at his Mythril Sabre, it's silver blade dripping crimson onto the Temple Of The Ancient's pristine floor. The monster he had just slain lay nearby, blood seeping from innumerable wounds on its body. Cloud thought of the sword piercing Aeris's heart, her blood mingling with the monster's blood on the sword, a look of agony and terror twisted into her features-   
  
Cloud was once again interrupted as the pink-clad flower girl leapt on him, wrapping her arms around his waist.   
  
"Don't touch me," shuddered Cloud, pushing Aeris roughly away from him. "For planet's sake, what do I have to do to make you leave me alone?"   
  
"Oh, you're such a silly little cutie," simpered Aeris, "You know you love me! You told me yourself!"   
  
"I was DRUNK!" Cloud yelled, "I WAS DRUNK, STONED, AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN! How many times do I have to tell you? I AM GAY!"   
  
Of course, Cloud wasn't. He just kept saying it in the hope it would make Aeris leave him alone.   
  
"I turned you down at the Gold Saucer and went out with BARRET! Doesn't that tell you anything?!"   
  
"Oh my poor, darling Cloud, so confused about his sexuality! Well don't worry sweetie, once I'm finished with you, you'll never look at another man again! And if it doesn't work, well..." She leaned close to his ear, "I could always have surgery."   
  
"AUGH! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Cloud yelled, running across to the exit of the Temple and colliding with Cait Sith, who had just arrived. "CAIT!" Cloud exclaimed, wrapping his arms around the small cat and lifting him off his moogle,relieved that he was finally here and he could get away from that irritating flower girl for a while.   
  
"Get the hell off me you creep." Cait said disdainfully, pulling loose of Cloud's grasp and climbing atop his moogle again.   
  
"Didn't I tell you, Aeris? Cait and I are in looooove!" Exclaimed Cloud, trying to put his arm around the disgusted cat again until he bit Cloud on the hand.   
  
"Oh, don't be such a silly, Cloud. Cait Sith is a robot!" Aeris smiled.   
  
"Um, yes! Yes he is! Y'see, I have a thing about robots! I'm a...mechanophile! That's it. And Cait Sith was only built recently, so that makes me a paedophile, too!" Despite this, Aeris was advancing on Cloud, arms outstretched, a manic grin on her face.   
  
"Uh, Aeris, um... I don't deserve you! I smoke tea leaves when I can't find pot! I had sex with that chocobo you bred! Umm... My mother was a transvestite and my father was a hermaphrodite! I like to dress up as a nurse at night and blow kisses at myself in the mirror! I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!!" Cloud dropped to his knees as his body convulsed with loud sobs.   
  
"I know!" Cait Sith exclaimed, ignoring Cloud sobbing pitifully on the floor, "I could tell your fortune for you! Y'know, for old time's sake, seeing as I'm about to become a pile of scrap and all. How about it?"   
  
"Oh that would be WONDERFUL! Quick! Give a reading for Cloud and I! Our future together! NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW-"   
  
"Okay, jeez!" Cait Sith winced. Okay, your reading is- Oh no, I can't read this! Poor Tifa...   
  
"WHAT IS IT? WHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT-"   
  
"You and Cloud are perfect for each other! Your star, Cloud's star-a perfect match! I'm so happy for y-"   
  
"Just get the goddam materia, spy!" Cloud roared, recovered from his crying fit. Cait Sith bounced off to his doom in a huff as Aeris and Cloud made their way outside and watched the temple shrink to a tiny black orb. Cloud hopped down the crater and pocketed the black materia. "Mission accomplished!" Cloud beamed. "Now you can sod off, Aeris!"   
  
"NOT SO FAST!" boomed a menacing voice from behind them. Cloud spun round and saw Sephiroth floating above them.   
  
"AWWWWWW, CRAP!" Spat Cloud, "I was SO CLOSE!"   
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!" Aeris squealed, hiding behind Cloud. "Sephiroth! Save me, Cloud!"   
  
"Get away from me." Cloud growled irritably as he shoved her away. "What do you want, Sephy?"   
  
"You know what I want," Sephiroth began, huffily, "and in future, address me by my proper name!"   
  
"Okay, Sephiroth Jeremy Flibbergibbet Sheridan Fl-"   
  
"NOT MY FULL NAME!!!" Sephiroth shreiked, "You want to ruin me? Just give me the black materia and I'll leave."   
  
"NO!" Cloud yelled, "DO YOU HEAR ME? NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO-oh, alright then." Cloud pulled the shimmering black orb from his pocket. "But on one condition."   
  
"What is it?"   
  
"I want you to...." Cloud paused for dramatic effect "...kill Aeris!"   
  
"Oh, no problem!" Sephiroth grinned, thwacking Cloud over the head with the hilt of his masamune and knocking him out, "I was going to kill her anyway. Bye-bye!" And with that, Sephiroth grabbed the black materia and flew away.   
  
  
  
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Cloud awoke slowly, his surroundings gradually fading into his vision. He was sitting in the middle of a cool, leafy forest, propped up by a tree. In the distance, a blue light shimmered enticingly. Cloud had an urge to go and see what was causing it, but the forest had a peaceful calm about it, and he found that he didn't have the will to move from his spot underneath the tree. He felt as if he could sit there forever, alone with his thoughts.   
  
That is, until Aeris suddenly floated down from a nearby tree.   
  
"Oh dear Gods no!" Cloud moaned, his fantasy ruined.   
  
"Cloud, honey!" Aeris exclaimed. "I knew I'd find you here!"   
  
"Why?" Cloud sobbed as he curled into the foetal position, thumb in mouth. "WHY????!!!"   
  
"Cloud," Aeris said, sounding suddenly serious for a change, "Sephiroth has the black materia. He's a huge threat to this planet. Only I, the last remaining Ancient, can- hey, are you paying attention?"   
  
"Sure Aeris, sure. Sephiroth's threatening someone with something." Cloud examined the daisy chain he had constructed. "You've got to go save some midgets from a blender, or something, I kinda missed that bit. Say-" Cloud looked up, "Is there any chance that Sephiroth knows where you're going? Is there? Huh, is there? ISTHEREISTHEREISTHEREIS-"   
  
"Er, it's a possibility." Aeris replied. "But don't worry. I'll be coming back when it's all over."   
  
"Like hell you will, bitch!" Cloud grinned as Aeris sped off towards the light. Suddenly, another figure appeared in Cloud's peripheral vision. He spun roun and saw Mukki, wearing a G-string and gyrating his hips like a crazed belly dancer.   
  
"Hey bubby!" He called, "Let's screw!"   
  
"AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!" Cloud screamed, waking with a start.   
  
"Oh Cloud, you're awake!" Tifa said, rushing to Cloud from the other side of the room. Cloud smiled, weakly. "You'll have to hurry up and get ready, we have to go to the City Of The Ancients."   
  
"Wha-WHY?!?" Cloud demanded, enraged, "Aeris can take care of herself!"   
  
"Aeris is there?" Tifa exclaimed, "Wow, we didn't know that, Cloud! We were only going there because it was one of the only places we haven't checked yet, but now we know Aeris is there, we're definitely going! Thanks, Cloud!" She planted a kiss on his cheek and sped off to tell the others.   
  
"...Crap." Cloud said, succinctly.   
  
  
  
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"But we don't even know where the City Of The Ancients is!" Cloud protested to Cid, who always insisted on piloting the Tiny Bronco because it was "His £$%^in' plane."   
  
"Quit ya whiny-assed bitchin'" Cid snarled, polite as ever. "Cait Sith no. 2 here told us where it is. It's north, past that excavation site."   
  
"Sorry," Cait squeaked as Cloud turned a withering glare onto him.   
  
"Well, it's a four hour journey to the mainland, so I think I'll smoke this box of cigars Shera bought me for our anniver-um, my birthday," Cid blushed. "Oh, and by the way, all the windows have jammed shut, and the ventillation's broken."   
  
"...Double crap." Cloud groaned. This day wasn't getting any better.   
  
  
  
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"Okay, everybody out!" Cid yelled, flinging the Tiny Bronco's door open. Cloud fell out, spluttering, tobacco smoke pouring out from inside. "Bone village is just inside that forest there." Cid pointed, lighting up another cigar. "Let's go before something happens to Aeris!"   
  
"Oh, that would be such a shame." Cloud muttered sarcastically as they made their way into the village.   
  
"Okay, the City's down that path over there." Cait said, pointing to the entrance to the forest at the back of the site.   
  
"Whoah, hold on there!" came a voice from behind them, "You can't just go marching in there! You need a Lunar Harp!"   
  
"A what?" Cloud sighed, wearily.   
  
"A Lunar Harp! It's buried somewhere on this site! You play a happy happy tune on it and the forest awakens! Then Jennifer Love-Hewitt appears and bestows the power of the ten sacred fairies onto you! It's TRUUUUUUUEEEE!!!!!!!!"   
  
"Suuuurrreee..." Cloud said slowly, "I believe you, buddy!" And with that, Cloud knocked the guy out with the flat of his sword. "Wacko..."   
  
"C'mon, let's go already! I'm missing my Dynasty re-runs!" Cid yelled from the forest entrance.   
  
Two pairs of raised eyebrows were the response to Cid's accidental admission.   
  
"Um, I meant the Dukes. I'm missing the Dukes...Let's just go already!"   
  
  
  
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After a looong walk and numerous battles, Cloud, Cid and Cait arrived at the City Of The Ancients. The path split into several directions from where they were standing.   
  
"Okay," Cloud said wearily, "Let's split up and check all the paths. Meet back here when you find anything."   
  
Cid and Cait sped off, leaving Cloud alone with his thoughts.   
  
"Goddammit!" He yelled, looking down at his filthy clothes and feeling the dull ache in his legs and feet, "When I get hold of that little bitch, I'm gonna tear her a new-"   
  
"I found it!" Cait Sith yelled as he bounced back to Cloud. "The entrance is down this path. Unfortunately, it's being blocked by a giant, indestructible fish."   
  
"Oh GODS!!! Cloud yelled, banging his head on the floor, "What are we going to DO!?!?!"   
  
"Hey guys!" Cid yelled as he ran back, "There's a room with beds down this path. We could rest up here if you want."   
  
Cloud nodded dejectedly and began to trudge down the path. He was never going to get away from this place...   
  
  
  
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Aeris knelt at the altar, deep in prayer. The white materia glowed brightly as she poured all of her concentration into her plea for holy. However, a sound above her broke her concentration, and she looked up. Sephiroth was plummeting towards her, masamune blade pointed downwards, its keen tip ready to pierce her heart. For one second their eyes met, Sephiroth's cold, green, glowing Jenova-infused eyes fixing on Aeris's glittering green eyes, filled with the knowledge and compassion of the Ancients, before Sephiroth's blade-   
  
"Cloud, wake up!" Cait Sith yelled. "You were having a nightmare!"   
  
"Wha-" Cloud said sleepily, feeling a sudden disappointment when he realised Aeris wasn't dead and a sudden rage when he realised that Cait Sith had just woken him from the best dream he had ever had. Even better than that one where Tifa, Scarlet and Yuffie- oops, better not let this become an NC-17. Never mind.   
  
"You stupid jerk!" Cloud yelled at Cait, "What the hell did you wake me for?"   
  
"You were muttering something about Sephiroth preparing to pierce Aeris as their eyes me-" Cait stopped when he realised how wrong this sounded, "Er, I think we should go check on Aeris. The pathway may be clear now."   
  
Cloud grunted and threw the bedclothes aside. He walked over to Cid's bed, where the pilot was mumbling in his sleep.   
  
"Snore...mmmm, Shera, kinky....snore...nipple clamps?"   
  
"GET UP!!!" Cloud yelled, kicking Cid disgustedly in the side.   
  
"Ow! What the %^*&%&%^&*%$^$%££"£$%^&*)( was that for?"   
  
"Never mind that," Cloud growled, dragging the sleepy pilot to the door, "We're going to look for Aeris. C'mon!   
  
  
  
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The fish had disappeared to wherever it is giant fish disappear to. The team descended a set of stairs into one of the most beautiful places they had ever seen. The huge, crystalline staircase spiralled down into the centre of a hidden city. Even though it was underground, a bright light shone from seemingly nowhere, bathing the city in a pure white glow that highlighted the beauty and intricacy of all the surrounding buildings. It was like nothing Cloud, Cait or Cid had ever seen before.   
  
"%^&*..." Cid said in his usual eloquent manner.   
  
"Whoa..." breathed Cait.   
  
"Big deal." Cloud snapped. "If the Ancients were so smart, they would have built this on the surface where more than one person could get to see it. They coulda opened it as a tourist attraction or something. Let's just get Aeris and go."   
  
Aeris was kneeling in the centre of the city, exactly as in Cloud's dream. Bingo.   
  
"Stay here!" He shouted to his companions, racing over to the altar. He looked around. No sign of Sephiroth.   
  
"Ummm... A-HEM!" Cloud cleared his throat, hoping to attract Sephiroth. Aeris was too deep in prayer to notice. Still no Sephy. Obviously, this required a differnt approach.   
  
"Errrr...oh look! I have found Aeris! How weak and helpless she is! So weak and helpless in fact, that if I turned my back like THIS.." Cloud faced away from Aeris, "and wait for tenseconds, Sephiroth might skewer her like a shish-kabob while my guard is down! And that would be a shame! One, two, three, four, five..."   
  
"What the hell is he doing?" Cait muttered to CId.   
  
"&%&(in' spikey headed *()%!er...£$%in' hair gel's gone to his brain." Cid replied.   
  
"Nine, ten! Oh woe, Aeris is-" Cloud turned around, "-still alive. $%^&!" This called for desperate measures.   
  
"Hey look! A troupe of dancing sock monkeys!" Cloud yelled, pointing behind Cait and Cid and jumping up and down.   
  
"Sock monkeys? Hot damn! I gotta see this!" Cid yelled, turning around.   
  
While the other's attention was diverted, Cloud whipped his Murasame out of his seemingly bottomless item sack and raised it to stab Aeris through the back, thinking he could pass it off for Sephiroth's sword. However...   
  
"Hey! There's no sock monkeys! You lied to us Clo- hey, what are you doing?"   
  
"Erm..." Cloud said realising how incriminating his position was, "I'm being controlled by Sephiroth. HELP!" Suddenly, laughter emanated from above the group.   
  
"Foolish puppet!" The voice (can you guess who it is, kids?) boomed, "If I was going to manipulate you, I'd do something far more amusing. Like this!" There was a blinding flash of light and then everyone fell unconcious.   
  
  
  
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When Cloud awoke, the first thing that he noticed was that he was lying on the floor. The second thing he noticed was that he was absolutely FREEZING. He looked down and saw that he was wearing nothing but a tiny pair of neon spandex pants, proudly proclaiming the words "Da Spikester" in pink letters across his butt. The third thing he noticed was Sephiroth standing in a wrestling ring in front of him.   
  
"In the red corner!" Sephiroth exclaimed, "All the way from the slums of Midgar, where she sells her body- oops, I meant flowers, to gullible strangers, Aeris "The Ho" Gainsborough!"   
  
Cid and Cait cheered wildly as Aeris bewilderedly wandered into the ring while a large videoscreen showed fast-cutting images of Aeris praying, leaping at Cloud and holding a sign saying "sucky sucky 5 gil" while Aaron Carter songs played in the background. She was wearing a tiny G-string and a see-through jacket (Authors note-Eeeew!)   
  
"And in the pansy-pink corner!" Sephiroth sniggered, "From Nibelheim, the wussy little yaoiboy himself...Cloud "Da Spikester" Strife!" The video screen now showed Cloud screaming "I Am GAY!" at Aeris while YMCA played in the background.   
  
"Where the HELL did you get that!" Cloud yelled as he entered the ring. Cait Sith hastily hid the camcorder behind his back.   
  
"Okay, I want a disgusting, depraved, dirty fight! Biting, scratching and eye-gouging are permitted and ripping off your opponent's clothes is mandatory! FIGHT!"   
  
"NO!" Cloud yelled as he was thrown, against his will, at Aeris   
  
  
  
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At ye olde AVALANCHE hideoute...   
  
"Check out what's on Pay-Per-View, foos!" Barrer grinned, turning on the TV.   
  
"Oh Cloud....wow...." Tifa drooled, catching sight of Cloud in next to nothing.   
  
"Like, ew!" Yuffie exclaimed, sticking out her tongue, "Could Aeris be wearing any less clothing?"   
  
"Well yes, actually," Red muttered, "It looks like Cloud's about to pull off- OH YEAH! Barret, quick, start taping this!"   
  
"I'm way ahead o' ya, foo!" grinned Barret, patting the remote control.   
  
".......A-cup.........." Vincent said, deciding to speak for a change.   
  
But anyway.   
  
  
  
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"I tire of this." Sephiroth sighed, holding up a peice of green materia. "This is a level 4 hentai materia. One cast of this, and this fic will be unsuitable for even the most hardcoresites! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha -urg!" Sephiroth was cut off when Cait Sith's megaphone knocked him out cold.   
  
"^&*%&*(^%^$%&$%£$%*^)%£ CAIT!!!!!!" Cid yelled, "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR???!?!?!?!?"   
  
"You want to watch Aeris and Cloud make out?"   
  
"YEAH! YE-I mean no. No, that would be bad. Yes bad." Cid muttered.   
  
"Uh, what the- OH DEAR GOD NO!!!!!" Cloud yelled when he recovered from his Sephiroth induced insanity and noticed he was lying next to Aeris and that neither of them were wearing a stitch of clothing.   
  
"Guys...please, tell me we didn't..."   
  
"Well..." Cid began, but he was cut off by Meteor hitting early and wiping out mankind.   
  
  
THE END  
Epilogue...   
  
Cloud floated through the swirling green waters peacefully, all his worldly troubles melting away. He felt himself being pulled through the lifestream to a specific point, but he didn't care. Nothing could hurt or distress him ever again. Suddenly, he came to a standstill, and he opened his eyes, puzzled. In front of him stood Sephiroth, busy absorbing the world's energy.   
  
"Oooh, hellooooo!" Sephiroth said perkilly. "Ahem, I mean, I AM GOD!!!"   
  
"Hi God." Cloud said, nonchalantly.   
  
"I HAVE JUDGED YOU, AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT FOR YOUR NOBLE DEEDS YOUR AFTERLIFE WILL BE-" he paused for dramatic effect, "-IN HEAVEN. I HAVE DECREED THAT HEAVEN IS ETERNAL LOVE WITH THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. THEREFORE, YOU SHALL SPEND ETERNITY WITH...MUKKI! No refunds. Thank you, come again."   
  
"Hey, bubby!" Mukki beamed.   
  
Cloud opened his mouth to scream in horror. Then he spotted something out of the the corner of his eye. Something pink. Something pink and and giggly. Something pink and giggly and heading straight for him.   
  
"Mukki honey!" Cloud yelled, launching himself at the mustacioed freak.   
  
"I guess he was telling the truth about him being gay," Aeris sighed. "Oh well." And with that, Aeris left to see if they had sex change parlours in the afterlife.   
  
  
THE END (Again. I mean it this time!) 


End file.

Final Fantasy VII, Humor