Gundam Wing/AC The Price I Pay

Author's notes: I wrote this in 2005, wow. Found it in my archives, and since the old website it was first published on no longer exists, I thought I would share. This is the last Gundam Wing fic I ever wrote, but miraculously I still like it; The Killers are still my favorite band.

* * *

"The Price I Pay"

Songfic for The Killers' "Mr. Brightside"

It was raining, and cold, and so dark outside the whole world seemed lost in dark blue even though it was only three in the afternoon. Duo Maxwell stared out through the glass doors framing his apartment building's deserted lobby and saw drops of water shattering themselves against the crystal, dripping down like tears. His expression remained neutral, but his eyes were as solemn and shadowed as the weather when he locked the door of his ground-floor studio.

* * *

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down because I want it all

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this?

It was only a kiss

It was only a kiss

* * *

He'd been sleeping in the middle of the day again. Dreaming. He knew he shouldn't do it, that sleeping this much and hiding out in his solitary apartment was a bad idea for a lot of reasons, but he just couldn't motivate himself to do much else. Being awake was being alone, miming a routine that was missing half its meaning. Besides, the dreams were like sustenance and even though they left him as empty as a burnt-out space colony when he woke up, he just couldn't seem to stop having them.

_It's been three months and I still can't stop feeling his mouth,_ the young man thought, hand reaching up to cover his lips as though his very thoughts embarrassed him. _I didn't know I was that much of a sap. I keep trying not to be, and when I'm awake I think I'm doing a good job, but the minute I fall asleep it's me and him again. The way we used to be, with him showing up and me being mad and him making me fall for him all over again with his eyes and his tongue and his fingers._ Duo shivered, eyes half-lidded, as though he craved and hated his memories at the same time. _...We could have made it work. I know we could have. But that's all over now, and he's with her, so I ought to just let it go, right? That's why I'm not being like this any more. I have to out and get on with my life._

It was a hard time of year to try and do that, though. As the former mech pilot wandered down the deserted Sunday streets of the small city he inhabited, he was confronted with store window after dimmed store window full of shiny paper hearts, flowers and chocolate boxes. The Valentines' Day displays looked as washed-out and faded in the dismal light of the mid-February weather as Duo felt, and finally he gave up and went back to his room.

* * *

Now I'm falling asleep

And she's calling a cab

While he's having a smoke

And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head, but she's touching his

chest now

He takes off her dress, now

Let me go

* * *

The phone jarred him awake. It was past mid-morning and he hadn't even gotten out of bed yet. Duo glanced at the Caller ID display and answered when he realized that it was the name of Quatre's company that was being shown; the former Sandrock flier was dialing him from the cellphone he used to communicate with his family's business associates while he himself was away on Preventer missions. The thought of talking to Quatre soothed the hollow place that had taken up almost permanent residence in Duo's chest recently. At least the blond was someone he could be sure knew _exactly_ how he was feeling, thanks to his empathic abilities - he wished he'd thought of talking to the other boy before.

"'Lo?"

"Hello, Duo. Oh, I'm so surprised to find you at home! I was fully expecting you to be at work, I was just going to leave you a message to tell you that Trowa, Wufei and I are going to be out of contact for a while. We've been sent on a monitoring operation in the African bush, out of Lake Victoria Base. It sounds like we probably aren't going to be at the base itself often, though, so I'm making an attempt at letting everyone know..."

The braided boy's heart sank, and he curled up tighter underneath his blankets without saying anything.

"Something's the matter, isn't it." The gentle voice on the other end of the line only made him sadder, now that he knew his friends were heading overseas, out of his reach. And on a mission he hadn't even been invited on, no less. "...Why _aren't_ you at work, Duo?"

"Long story." Duo winced as a flash of his business partner Hilde's bewildered and wounded face formed in his mind, the expression she'd worn when he'd abruptly left on his current 'vacation' without so much as a day's notice. He hadn't seen her since. "Isn't it always a long story? I'm sort of at loose ends right now. I'd rather not talk about it."

"That's a first, you not wanting to talk about something." The gently teasing smile Duo could hear in his friend's tone only lightened his mood a little bit. "I think I know what this is about, and I'm willing to wager you don't want to talk about that, either, correct?"

"What the hell, why not talk about it, it's all I can think about anyway."

Sheets tangled around him, Duo rolled over onto his back and put his arm over his face. Then he realized he had to look ridiculously melodramatic in that position and rolled back over onto his stomach, determined not to wallow in his emotions.

"Duo. I know you're still hurting over what happened, it's... well, for lack of a better description, it's written all over you. It has been ever since it happened." Sympathy radiated from the young intelligence officer's words. "But to be honest? The fact that you're still holding onto this worries me. Heero and Relena... seem very seriously in love, and as hard as it is for me to say that to you, I think maybe you need to hear it so you can try and move on somewhat."

"Yeah, maybe you're right." Duo's back teeth were grinding together. "In fact, you're _completely_ right. We _shouldn't_ talk about this. I'll see you when you get home, Quatre. Give me a call."

He pressed the button to hang up and buried his face in his pillow, almost wishing it would be that easy to suffocate.

* * *

And I just can't look

It's killing me

and taking control

* * *

The headlines were always full of her, the radiant and righteous face of the United Nations' prodigy foreign minister staring out from papers, magazine covers and TV programs on a daily basis. Relena Peacecraft was solving the world's problems with dauntless courage, graceful diplomacy, and perfect hair, so it was no wonder the media and the populace were in love with her. Duo avoided the news religiously and tried to watch nothing except comedy cable channels, but even when he caught a glimpse of her ubiquitous, gleaming smile, he couldn't actually bring himself to be angry with her.

_She always did have good intentions,_ he reflected, accidentally channel-surfing onto CSPAN and sitting transfixed as he watched her charming the press outside a news conference. _Our battles were ultimately what gave her the opportunity to carry out those intentions, but she's advanced the cause of peace far beyond anything we could have done, even with weapons like the Gundams._

He realized his mouth had gone dry for some reason, but continued to watch the charismatic figure of the youngest world leader in history as she strode easily through the crowd toward a waiting limo. The camera's view pulled out when she reached it - and Duo dropped the remote as he saw a black-suited young man with wild brown hair and sunglasses open the door for her. Unconcerned with the video recorder focused on him, Heero glanced around, spoke briefly into the microphone wedged into the ear, and then slipped inside to sit beside the diplomat just before the long car pulled away.

'Well, it sounds like Ms. Peacecraft is done for the day,' the overly-cheerful anchorwoman chirped as the video feed was cut off. 'It says here in my notes that she's planning on spending a quiet weekend at home with her brand-new fiance in celebration of the upcoming Valentines' Day holiday, so we wish her a nice vacation.'

"Speak for yourself," Duo whispered, and felt his throat close.

* * *

Jealousy

turning saints into the sea

swimming through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

* * *

"If you didn't want me to find out, you shouldn't have done it. I'm a surveillance expert, if you remember, and even though I wasn't actively spying on you I _do_ notice things. And then I get curious and start digging."

He was trying so hard to keep his voice even.

"It doesn't mean anything." Heero didn't seem to be having the same problem, and his gaze was as level and direct as ever. "...Listen. You know I've always had an emotional vulnerability to Relena. For whatever reason. But just because this has happened doesn't mean I don't still want to be with you."

_Yes it does! To me, it does._ Emotional panic was threatening to overwhelm him, but Duo clamped down and refused to let it express itself anywhere except inside his head. _God, Heero, I've always been terrified that I can't hold on to you, especially with all the problems we've had lately. I __hate how emotionally dependent on you I've gotten, but I've never HAD anyone to share these feelings with before - this is a betrayal at the wrong time, and on so many levels, I just - I just -_

"Fine." The boy who had once called himself the God of Death put as much fury into his words as he could manage, refusing to let the fear coursing through him find a vent. "If it doesn't mean anything, I'll just forget about it, then."

"Will you?"

As Duo turned away, he felt a pair of lethally strong hands grab his shoulders and spin him back to face the darker-haired former pilot. Heero's fingers trailed down his shoulders, eyes searching his, and then his arms pulled Duo into a fierce hug - something he'd never done before. Duo stared up at the ceiling, unmoving, scarcely daring to breathe. Anger and tenderness and sorrow ripped into him simultaneously, but none of the emotions could win over the others and tell him what to do next. He was paralyzed.

"It was only a kiss," came the low words from next to his ear, Heero holding him trapped against his chest. "It was only a kiss, Duo..."

Duo's eyes watered, and he dug his fingernails into his palms to keep from letting even a single tear escape. Sorrow and anger tipped the balance, sent his heart sliding off into darkness as the gently spoken words caressed his neck and stabbed a knife into his heart. Heero had intended to be apologetic, but it burned Duo inside: he wouldn't have to apologize so much if he didn't keep doing things that wounded them both. This had been the first time he'd ever touched somebody else, but Duo had _seen _that kiss: it had none of the emotional distance, none of the walls of reserve that Heero always seemed to slam closed when he and Duo were together. It wasn't only a kiss, and they all knew it.

Duo lifted his hands to push Heero away -

And felt cold glass meet his touch and push him back instead. The dream had shifted. Now he was staring through a windowpane at Heero and Relena's bedroom, watching, screaming with loneliness as the only person he'd ever wanted forgot him forever.

_...Why didn't I just accept what you meant instead of only taking what you said? Why was I so bent on making myself unhappy...?_

* * *

I'm coming out of my cage

And I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down, because I want it all

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this?

(It was only a kiss...)

It was only a kiss!

* * *

One by one, even his dreams about Heero turned from bittersweet reminders of what had been into nightmares of guilt. He still fought not to be overwhelmed by it, still managed to go out and laugh and act normal and even forget about it at times, but the regret was always there, lurking under the surface. And whenever he thought he'd gotten over it, he'd have another nightmare, another replay of their last fight that slashed open all the old wounds and left him bleeding in his bed when he awoke.

_If only he hadn't left the minute I pushed him away,_ Duo thought yet again, hazily staring at yet another ceiling splashed with morning light. _He didn't even give me a chance... not even to say goodbye, the bastard... This has got to be the result of never having any 'closure,' or some psychological crap like that._

But just contemplating trying to talk to Heero now seemed an invitation for more trauma; actually doing it could only be an unbearable step out over the abyss. What he wanted wasn't going to happen, so making any attempt to change things was only going to wind up awkward and excruciating - even if the status quo was tearing him apart inside with equal strength. The situation didn't have any way out, and recently every time he started trying to pick it apart Duo had found he just wound up with a migraine and no solution. He reached out and put a pillow back over his face. This was shaping up to be another one of those days when he didn't even bother to get up.

* * *

Now I'm falling asleep

And she's calling a cab

While he's having a smoke

And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head

But she's touching his - chest

Now, he takes off her dress, now

Let me go

* * *

'UNITED NATIONS FOREIGN MINISTER WEDS BODYGUARD'

"Nothing but bad news, as usual," the newsstand vendor grumbled to Duo, as the boy stood clenching the morning paper in a fist so tight it felt like it might never unlock.

"You're telling me."

He went home and collapsed on the couch in a daze, got up, looked around, and started throwing things into boxes. As he went through his apartment, he couldn't believe how much stuff he had accumulated and held onto in three months, things he hadn't even realized he'd been saving up to show Heero until this final blow had fully convinced him they would never share an apartment again.

_I'm sure he has nicer stuff at Relena's by now, anyway,_ he thought, more enraged by the discovery of his own secret optimism than anything. _What could I have been expecting, seriously..._

Books, videos, household bits and pieces kept getting packed away as he tried to get rid of everything that reminded him of the feral-faced, piercingly blue-eyed boy he'd once lived with. There were things hiding in cupboards, closets, shelving, and he went after them all ruthlessly. It was only as the last of the kitchen dishes went into a box that he noticed he'd long since started hiding away things he actually need to live there himself - like he was subconsciously packing for a very long trip.

* * *

'Cause I just can't look

It's killing me

And taking control...

* * *

"Well, let's look on the bright side." Heero didn't seem very motivated to look at much of anything, but Duo tried to sound cheerful anyway. "We're not dead. That's something, right?"

"I wanted to make dinner." His lover's monotone still communicated emphatic unhappiness to Duo, who had become fairly good at judging what lay underneath Heero's cold exterior - as long as he wasn't too overwrought himself to listen. "...I wanted to do something nice for you."

"In that case, you just did. I can take good intentions in lieu of actual results. Just give me a rain check for later, how's that?"

The ex-Wing Gundam pilot continued to stare out at the lightning-riddled skies, as if challenging the storm to stop and the power to come back on with the strength of his indomitable glare alone. Duo crept up behind him with the only food in the studio that didn't require cooking - a box of crackers and a bottle of wine - and sat down on the floor with a blanket wrapped around him. The climate control had gone out with the electricity, and it was a bitterly cold autumn evening.

"Come on, there's no use worrying about it now. Share the last of these fabulous gourmet Cheez-Bites with me. You know I'm used to surviving on junk food and alcohol anyway."

He shook the cracker box invitingly, and after a long moment Heero appeared to decide that he could always wage another battle of wills with Mother Nature later. He burrowed under Duo's coverlet and set the braided boy on his lap, their mouths meeting briefly at first, and then again, a bit longer this time, as the wind whistled mournfully just outside their refuge. The entire night the power was out they took turns munching on crackers, drinking red straight from the bottle, and finally making love, barely saying anything, but still content.

He woke up crying, gasping, shaking, like he never let himself do when he was aware. The good dreams had come back, finally, showing him the embrace and the safety he missed so much, but it was an even more exquisite torture now. Duo desperately swiped the tears off of his face, but they kept coming - every time he tried to calm down, to convince himself he was fine, the vivid imagery his sleeping mind had painted would surge into his thoughts again and swamp him with aching need and impossible regrets. He finally collapsed back into the warm folds of his sheets and just let himself go, howling, convulsing with sobs until they had all worked themselves out of him.

Somehow, after an hour of lying cold in a puddle of his own misery, he forced himself to get up and go to the kitchen. There was last night's pizza sitting in the oven, which he ravenously devoured two pieces of even though he could barely swallow thanks to how raw his throat was. Then he microwaved a mug of the previous morning's coffee and pushed aside a sliding door to try and find some fresh air, and get as clear a head as he could cope with having.

Standing out on the balcony of his apartment he let the city night pull in around him. From this vantage point he could see from one end of the nearby city park to the other - the view was peaceful and beautiful, and full of more memories than he'd thought, just like everything else. He realized that despite his best efforts he was weeping again, but painlessly, hopelessly this time. The tears dripped down his face the same way the rain did when it hit his windows and building's doors: soundless and without end.

_ This is awful. I can't take any more of this. _He bit his tongue, hard, trying to make sure self-pity didn't trigger his choking sobs again._ ...When you're in a downward spiral, and you hit the bottom, you've only got one other direction to go._

Duo tilted his gaze back and saw the softly shining stars glowing overhead, quiet, patient. Waiting, like the heavenly angels he'd been taught to believe in as a child. Their light glistened like his tears.

_Straight up._

He went inside to write a note.

* * *

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

Turning through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

* * *

Everything was falling away from under him, sight and sound being subsumed by blackness and the dull roar in his ears. His body felt heavy, then gradually became less and less of a burden to bear, turning weightless like he was becoming insubstantial. All the worries he'd been carrying around for so long started to attenuate, too, thinning out and lifting off his shoulders the more distance he gained from his old life. The roar softened and began to die away.

_I'm sorry, Quatre, everyone. I hope you find the message I left for you, but I had to do this in a hurry, before I lost my nerve. I couldn't think of another way to stop hurting - maybe this is stupid and I'm just running away, but as far as I know I'm going to a better place... somewhere I don't have to sleep and wake up and go through the day like I'm being haunted. Maybe this way I can haunt Heero instead of the other way around, for a change._

The last of the engine vibrations around him calmed as the shuttle finally achieved an effortless, swift glide through space, and the flight's pilots cut the boosters that had been pushing them. Duo grinned, flipping a coin out of his pocket like the flight attendants had strictly told the passengers not to, and watched it rotate upward towards the cabin roof like a miniature satellite. He hadn't realized how much he had missed zero gravity until he felt it again - even if it wasn't quite the same, being strapped into a commercial space shuttle rather than the cockpit of a sleek and deadly war machine. He took comfort in the fact that they used decommissioned Leos and Aries Mobile Suits for the heavy work on the remote colony construction site he was bound for, though. He knew he'd be able to score a spot on one of those once he demonstrated his skills for his new employers, no problem.

Something was rising outside the window. He leaned forward in his seat and let his thoughts trail off into silence, caught in a rare speechless moment for once. The Earth, in all its fragile majesty, was coming into view so many hundreds of miles below. Seeing it, he was struck with a pinpoint beam of nostalgia, but he already felt a little better about it: the planet carrying all his problems looked so small, and from up here it was surrounded by so many other points of light that represented new possibilities. There were new adventures out there to help take the edge off the pain he realized would always be part of him.

* * *

I never

I never

I never...

I never...!

* * *

"I never want to get over you, Heero," Duo murmured, watching the Earth dwindle to a tiny blue dot and disappear.


End file.

Gundam Wing/AC, Angst