Harry Potter Hogwarts meets Lord of the Rings!

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger sat warming themselves by the fire in the Gryffindor common room. It was Christmas holidays, and because all the other Gryffindors had gone home, they had the rule of the tower. However, after doing a lot of exploring around Hogwarts, they found they had nothing left to do but sit and talk. "Oh I'm so bloody bored!" whined Ron. "So am I," chimed in Harry, "Got any suggestions to keep us occupied for the rest of the holidays, Hermione?" "No, not that I can think of. Unless." Hermione's brown eyes lit up, and she looked as if she had just remembered something interesting. "I was reading Hogwarts: A history the other day, and came across a page I'd never seen before. It talked about a portal of some sort, hidden in the school. Of course, it didn't say where it was and how to get into it though." "Well that's a fat lot of help." Said Ron, rolling his eyes. "Why don't we try and find it? It will at least kill some time." Said Harry. The two other Gryffindors nodded in agreement and went for a stroll around Hogwarts. * After what seemed like hours tapping walls, pulling books out of bookcases and guessing ridiculous passwords to unlock doors, Ron, Harry and Hermione gave up. "This is pointless!" exclaimed Ron. Just as they started heading back to the Gryffindor tower, they bumped into the person they least wanted to see: Draco Malfoy. "Out for walkies, eh Potter? Maybe you'll discover a treasure chest with some galleons, Weasley. Goodness knows, your family needs it." Ron's face went red with anger, and he raised his fist to punch Draco, but Harry and Hermione restrained him. "He's not worth it, Ron." Said Hermione, keeping her cool. Ron had a look of defeat on his face, and his friends finally let him go. Draco walked past them. "Oh, by the way Weasley, I heard they were raising the price of those chocolate frogs you love." He snickered. This was just too much for Ron. He lunged at Malfoy, trying to tear out his perfectly gelled, platinum blonde hair. Harry and Hermione ran towards the two, but a loose stone sent them flying through the air. They landed near Draco and Ron. All of a sudden, the stone they had landed on seemed to vanish, and the four of them screamed as they began to fall. * There was a loud thump, and Harry, Hermione, Ron and Draco landed in a heap on what felt like fairly soft ground. "Oof!" said Ron, rubbing his knee. "Where are we?" Hermione looked around. "This place looks familiar.lush green grass. small houses." Just then, a small man, about four feet tall with brown curly hair walked past. He was carrying a huge pile of fireworks that obstructed his vision, so he did not notice the disheveled students lying on the grass. "Wait a minute!" cried Hermione, "I know where we are! That man we saw was a Hobbit! We're in MIDDLE-EARTH!" "Middle WHAT?" shouted Draco, whose hair was now messy and tangled. "Middle-earth!" said Harry. "I know what that is! That's the place where Lord of the Rings is set! Dudley got that book for Christmas once, but he doesn't like presents he can't eat or play with, so he threw it away. I found it and read it. But. Middle-Earth is just. well, a fantasy land! But I swear, this place looks exactly how I imagined the Shire." Ron scratched his head. He had never heard of the Lord of the Rings. "So, you two are saying we're in some make-believe land, but now it's not make- believe because we're there. bloody hell!" Draco looked angry. "I can't believe I'm stuck here with a mudblood, a Weasley, and of all people, you, Potter!" "This person you call a mudblood, Malfoy, has more brains than you could ever hope to have! And Ron is a better person than you'll ever be! He doesn't need money to be happy." Said Harry. The shouting and insults continued for a while before they were heard by a small hobbit passing by. His eyes were a brilliant blue and he looked curious. "Excuse me? Who are you?" The four students stood up sheepishly, brushing dirt off their clothes. Hermione spoke. "I'm Hermione Granger. And you are?" "Frodo Baggins. And who are the other big folk with you?" Harry noticed that all four of them were considerably taller than the hobbit. "I'm Harry Potter." He pointed to Ron. "This is my friend Ron Weasley, and this." he gave Malfoy a black look. "This is Draco Malfoy." Draco glared back at him. "Nice to meet you. But may I ask. where did you come from? You don't look like you're from the Shire," he looked suspiciously at their clothes. "Or from Middle-Earth for that matter." Ron was a little intimidated by the Hobbit, even though he far exceeded Frodo in height. "Well you see, Mr. err. sorry I forgot your surname." "Baggins." "You see Mr. Baggins, Draco here made some rather nasty comments about me, so I fought him. He fought like a girl actually," Draco seethed with anger, but restrained himself "And the next thing we knew, we were here." "I see." The Hobbit put his hands on his hips and stared vacantly into the sky. Draco rolled his eyes, and the Hobbit snapped back to attention. "Well, as long as you're here, you may as well come to my Uncle's birthday party tonight! He's turning one hundred and eleven!" Frodo looked proud. Draco butted in. "You're telling me I have to go to a party with these people?" * Evening came, and after exploring the Shire for a while, the four Hogwarts students headed off to the party. Draco had hardly said a word all afternoon, except to mumble about how much he hated this place and how he would curse the town. Just before they reached the large marquee that was set up, Harry spoke. "I feel really guilty. we haven't got this poor Hobbit a present" "I'm sure I can conjure up a present for him." Hermione dug her wand out of her pocket and said Presentus Appearo. Sure enough, a neatly wrapped green box appeared in her hand. Attached to it was a small tag that read "Happy Birthday, Bilbo Baggins." Draco looked wary. "How do you know what's inside there?" he said, with cynicism. "I have my ways." Replied Hermione with a glint in her eye. "Now let's go." * The party was accompanied by cheery music and dancing, and Frodo was there to greet them, looking rather jolly. "Hello, my big folk friends! Oh you have a present? Wonderful, wonderful! Just put it on the pile. Here's Bilbo now! Hullo Bilbo! These are some big- folk who came from. well I don't really know, but never mind! Let me introduce you to some of my friends!" He led the four over to a table where a rather plump hobbit with curly ginger hair sat. "This is my friend Samwise Gamgee!" he said, pointing to the chubby creature. "Meet Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco." Samwise gave them a large friendly smile. "Hullo there. Pleased to meet you!" Samwise was soon distracted by a female Hobbit, who was dancing in a large group. Frodo pointed out the girl to Ron, Harry, Hermione and Draco. "That's Rosie Cotton." He tapped Samwise on the shoulder, startling him slightly. "Sam, ask Rosie for a dance!" "I think I'll just have another ale, if you don't mind, Mr. Frodo." "Oh no you don't!" And with that, Frodo playfully pushed Sam towards Rosie, and she gave him a smile and danced happily. * The four children walked around the party in wonder. Everyone looked so happy. A large wagon filled with fireworks caught their eye. Two Hobbits were standing beside it; one of them was the first Hobbit they saw when they arrived. The other looked similar. They over heard their conversation. "No no, the big one!" The first Hobbit pulled out one of the fireworks.. The Hobbits ran with glee to the tent next to it. "Stick it in the ground!" "It is in the ground!" "Outside!" The thing shot up into the sky, partially taking the tent with it, leaving the two Hobbits sooty-faced. The four Hogwarts students chuckled. The explosion lit up the sky, forming the shape of a dragon. A large man in grey caught the two mischievous Hobbits by the ears. "Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took! I should have known." The man spotted the four standing close by. "And you, I suppose are the curious people everyone is talking about? Hmm, judging by your appearance that's not surprising." Draco smoothed his hair. "What's wrong with my appearance?" Hermione intruded. "Excuse me, but you wouldn't happen to be Gandalf the Grey, would you?" "Yes I would young lady. And how do you know?" "I've read all about you! We have magical powers too, we go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Hermione stood looking pompous and proud. "Ah, and you must be Hermione Granger." He said, and pointed to each one of them in turn. "And you are Ron Weasley, and you are Draco Malfoy, and you." he smiled. "You, are Harry Potter. I've heard a great deal about you, my boy." The four of them looked puzzled. Gandalf saw the puzzled looks on their faces and explained. "Albus Dumbledore is a good friend of mine, and he comes to see me often. That is how you found yourselves here, because you found his portal to Middle-Earth." By this time, Meriadoc and Peregrin had walked over and eyed Ron, Harry, Hermione and Draco suspiciously. "Funny looking Hobbits!" pointed out Peregrin. Gandalf laughed. "Merry and Pippin, meet Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy." Merry looked at Draco and his messy hair. "I don't like this one, Gandalf. His hair is all over the place and he's got a nasty look about him." Gandalf laughed. "Be assured, Merry, he will not harm you." Draco looked offended and started combing his hair back into place with his fingers. By the time he was satisfied with it, everyone was gathered over by a large tree, which Bilbo was standing next to. He made a speech, which Draco took no notice of. Draco looked at his fingernails to check whether they were dirty, but he looked up when murmurs started, and Bilbo seemed to have vanished. Draco spotted Harry, Hermione and Ron. "I know this part!" said Harry. "This is where Bilbo vanishes using the ring!" Hermione approached Gandalf. "Gandalf, he's just gone up to Bag-End. And I'd check that ring of his. Throw it in the fire for a bit, and if there's some form of elvish on it, it's the ring of Sauron." Gandalf ran to Bag-End, and the four of them followed. They walked inside the Hobbit cottage, and saw Bilbo clearly. Gandalf snatched the ring from Bilbo, and threw it in the fire. "What on Earth are you doing, Gandalf?" cried Bilbo. Frodo, having seen the five running, followed them to Bag-End. Gandalf used tongs to retrieve the ring from the fire, and sure enough, a form of elvish appeared upon the band. Frodo pushed his way through to look at the ring closely, and started whining. "It's some form of elvish, I can't read it!" Draco yelled at Frodo to shut up and stop whining, until Gandalf's booming voice made everyone stop. "There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. But in the common tongue, it reads." Gandalf did not get a chance to finish, as Hermione and Harry interrupted with the rhyme, which they said in unison. "One Ring to rule them all, One ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness." They paused dramatically, and then continued. "Bind them." Ron looked in amazement. "That was bloody brilliant!" "Thankyou for that assessment, Mr. Weasley." Said Gandalf. "Clearly, we must take the ring to Mordor and throw it into the fiery pits of Mt. Doom." "Well let's go then!" said Hermione impatiently. "It's not as simple as that. I must visit Saruman, the leader of my order. Perhaps he will help us." Said Gandalf. "NO!" yelled Harry and Hermione. Hermione continued. "Saruman has passed into darkness! He is a servant of Sauron! Can't you tell? The ugly fingernails and white hair are kind of a giveaway." "Well then we must go to Rivendell, and Elrond will call a meeting, so we can find the finest warriors in all of middle-earth to take the ring there." Instructed Gandalf. * The next day, Frodo, Gandalf, Harry, Hermione, Ron and Draco packed some essentials for the long journey to Rivendell. They had all spent the night at Bag-End, and although they were rather tired, they felt ready for the day ahead. As they walked out the door, all of them except Frodo bumped their heads against the door frame when they were greeted by three Hobbits. "Hello!" said Merry, Pippin, and Sam. The six others greeted them in a rather irritated fashion. Hermione however, piped up. "You three have to come on this journey with us!" Draco mumbled. "Stupid cheery Hobbits, stupid clever Hermione. Stupid Potter and Weasley." "What was that, Malfoy?" enquired Harry. "Nothing." Mumbled Draco. * After several hours of walking, the nine grew very tired. "Are we there yet?" asked Ron, his face red with the effort of the walking. "First we have to reach the Prancing Pony, Ron." Said Harry. "We'll stop there." "What's the Prancing Pony?" asked Draco. "Sounds like a pretty boring place to me. Who wants to stop at a stable? Well, you might Weasley, it's probably better than staying at your house." He smirked. "This is no time for silly insults!" boomed Gandalf. "We will keep walking until we reach the Prancing Pony, which, Mr. Malfoy, is an inn!" Draco looked sheepish. The travelers walked on, until they reached a large fence surrounding a village. A huge wooden door stood as the entrance, and Gandalf knocked on it three times with his staff. A small window opened and the face of an old man peeped out. "Ah, Gandalf. Come in." The door opened, and the nine walked up a dirt road to the Prancing Pony. They entered the small inn and immediately noticed the smell of beer in the atmosphere. They all sat down at a table, and Merry went off to get himself a drink. "So what does this stupid ring do anyway?" asked Malfoy. "The ring is a very powerful object." Replied Gandalf. "Do not speak of it like that." "That's all very well and good, but you didn't answer my question." Said Draco, rolling his eyes. "What does it do?" Everyone looked blank. Ron chimed in. "I really hate to say it, but Malfoy has a point. It doesn't really have a use, does it? There was a silence at the table. Sam chimed in. "Then I say we shall abandon this quest!" "You can't abandon this quest. Do you know how evil this ring is? It also makes the wearer invisible, which." Hermione was cut off by Ron. "Hey, doesn't that sound an awful lot like Harry's invisibility cloak?" "No Ron, Harry's cloak isn't evil." There was another awkward silence which, thankfully, didn't last too long. It was interrupted by Pippin, who had spotted Merry sitting down with a rather large mug of beer. "What's that?" asked Pippin. "This, my friend, is a pint!" replied Merry. "It comes in pints??? Right, I'm getting one!" Pippin scurried off to get a pint to match Merry's. Gandalf cleared his throat. "Mr. Malfoy, I think I have an answer to your question. The Ring is. it is not like." he trailed off, trying to find words to explain the situation. Hermione finished the explanation for him. "Draco, you take muggle studies, don't you? Well the ring isn't like a computer or household appliance, which everyone can use. The Dark Lord Sauron poured his evil and malice into the One Ring, so when used in the right way, the bearer may become like him." Draco looked vacantly over to the corner. "Draco, did you even hear a word I said?" Despite Hermione's shrill voice, he still stared at the corner. He appeared to be looking at a figure wearing a hooded cloak, who was smoking a cigarette. Samwise poked Frodo, and said "That fella's done nothin' but look at you since we came in Mr. Frodo." Gandalf turned around to see who they were looking at. "Oh, that's just Strider! He's a good friend of mine." Harry signaled for Strider to join them. "Oi, Strider!" Strider took off his cloak, and looked far less intimidating. He sat down, and gave Gandalf a friendly slap on the back. "Long time, no see, Gandalf!" "Good to see you Strider!" Strider glared at Draco. "This one's evil, I tell you. I can tell." Draco stood up, looking hurt. "Just because I'm a Slytherin, and my hair is all slicked back, and I come from a very distinguished but evil wizarding family who you all think supports Voldemort, and I have a name with an evil edge to it, and I have a malicious look in my eyes, and my archenemy is the perfect and wonderful Harry Potter, it doesn't mean I'm evil!" A tear appeared in Draco's eye. He sniffed and ran away, arms and legs flailing. There was a pause. "Does anyone want to run after him?" said Merry. Another pause. "Don't all jump at once!" said Pippin. "Does anyone else feel that they're just too damn tired to run after him?" said Ron. A chorus of "Yes!" sounded. Gandalf got exasperated. 'I feel he has some part to play." And without leaving the table, he pointed his staff at Draco and dragged him back to the table. Draco tried to resist, but the force was too strong. Hermione applauded Gandalf's work. "Standard book of spells, chapter 7, right?" * After heading up to their nice rooms, one cosy Hobbit-sized, the other normal sized, they heard a squealing, high-pitched noise. "Ringwraiths!" cried Harry and Hermione, just as Strider and Gandalf cried out "Nazgul!". Harry ran next door to tell the Hobbits what was going on, and they ran into his room. The nine of them hid under the beds, and heard the Ringwraith's footsteps pass by their door. They heard them go into the nice cosy Hobbit-sized room, and squeal in irritation as they did not find anyone there. The nine let out a sigh of relief. "Well, where do we go now? I must say I don't feel safe, Mr. Frodo." Said Sam. "Yes Sam, I agree. We must go!" replied Frodo. "We are going to Rivendell, if you were not listening before, Mr. Gamgee." Said Gandalf. Sam blushed. * They stopped at Weathertop for the night, and Hermione quite sensibly convinced them not to light a fire, as she remembered what happened when they did that in the book. They had a comfortable sleep, and the next morning they felt refreshed. They continued their journey to Rivendell. "Are we there yet?" whined Frodo. "What?" he questioned when he saw that the eight others were looking at him rather strangely. "Do I have something on my nose?" "No," interrupted Hermione. "You've been stabbed by a Nazgul blade, did you know?" "Well. no, actually. Anyone have a bandage?" "Frodo, that's not the sort of thing that can be fixed with a simple bandage. We need." Strider was cut off by Hermione. "An infusion of Wormwood is what we need! I read about it in Herbology for everyday life." "No you didn't Hermione, Snape told you in potions." Said Harry. "Don't spoil my moment of glory." Said Hermione curtly. Hermione scuttled off to find Wormwood, and Frodo looked at his wound with a puzzled look on his face. "I can't believe I didn't feel it! And why didn't anyone notice before?" "Well Frodo, no offence or anything. but you're. well a bit lower to the ground than the rest of us." Said Ron. "Then why didn't Merry, Pippin or Sam notice?" Sam looked puzzled. "Why didn't we notice?" and all four Hobbits looked confused and had vacant stares on their faces. Hermione came running back with the Wormwood. "I've got it! You just have to apply it to the wound!" Frodo undid the top button of his shirt and Hermione placed the Wormwood on the wound, which was now slightly purple in colour. "This should make it a bit better." She said. However, Frodo just screamed in pain. Draco looked exasperated. "SHUT UP, FRODO!" he yelled. "WE'RE SICK OF YOUR WHINING!" now Draco looked rather scary and a mite evil, and Frodo cowered away from him. Strider searched the forest floor for another antidote to slow the poison, but stopped when he felt a sword blade rest against his neck. "What's this? A ranger, caught off his guard?" * Arwen took Frodo on her horse to Rivendell, but Ringwraiths, who tried to intercept her path, interrupted her relatively uneventful journey. Her horse galloped quickly until they arrived at a river, which she rode into, quite oblivious of how the water would damage the new horseshoes she had fitted the horse with last week. Frodo flopped limply. "If you want him, come and claim him!" yelled Arwen, as she and the Ringwraiths drew their swords. Arwen muttered an incantation, and the foam from the river mutated itself into horses, which rode down the Ringwraiths, and they let out terrible cries. Arwen finally arrived at Rivendell. * Frodo found himself in a room that was very light, and he squinted as he sat up in his bed. Gandalf greeted him, and told him how Hermione had botched the antidote, and how Arwen had saved him. Frodo couldn't help clenching his fists when he learned what the frizzy haired one had done. Just then, Sam walked into the room. "Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Bless you, you're awake!" "Hullo Sam. Good to see you!" Gandalf interrupted the happy moment. "Well Frodo, you have been summoned to a secret council which will convene in one hour." "Thankyou Gandalf." Frodo and Sam walked outside to be greeted by Merry, Pippin, Harry, Hermione, Draco, and Strider. They all hugged him, but he made sure not to get too close to Hermione because the incident with the Wormwood was still in his mind. He glared at her, but she didn't notice because she was looking over at something else. People were arriving at Rivendell, no doubt to discuss the future of the ring. * "You have all been summoned to this Council because we suffer the threat of Mordor." Said Elrond. Ron stifled a laugh because Elrond was wearing what looked like a headband. Hermione hardly heard what Elrond was saying, because she was too busy looking at the blonde elf sitting opposite her. She sighed quietly. He was a hottie and a half! It must be Legolas. She thought. Of course, the elf was too busy to notice her. Anyway, he would never notice such a frizzy-haired little girl with such a high-pitched voice. His ideal girl was someone who liked pistachios and wore lots of lip gloss. (note-that's me) Hermione looked at Strider, who she thought was cute in a dirty, rugged way. Near him sat Boromir, who was dirty and rugged, but far too ugly to be attractive. Hermione was startled when the hottie elf rose from his seat, his platinum blonde hair (similar to Draco's, but much longer, and she was sure he used leave-in conditioner.) looked so shiny in the light. "This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance." Boromir gave Legolas a sour look, but Aragorn was calm, and said "Havadad, Legolas." Which Hermione recognised as elvish for Sit down, Legolas. She wandered off thinking about Legolas again, when she saw everyone was standing up except Frodo, and she didn't want to be out of place, so she stood up too. She didn't know why. An ugly dwarf Gimli, she thought, was arguing with almost everyone, it seemed, until Frodo stood up meekly, and said "I will take the Ring to Mordor." Hermione could barely hear over the din. "What was that, Frodo?" "I SAID, I WILL TAKE THE RING TO MORDOR!!!!!!!" all was quiet. He continued. "But I do not know the way." Elrond looked angry. "Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seat." Aragorn knelt beside Frodo. "You have my sword." Gimli chimed in. "And my axe." Legolas came forth once more. "You have my bow." Hermione, Ron, Harry and Draco all said in unison "You have my wand." Samwise ran in on the scene. "Mr. Frodo's not goin' anywhere without me!" he said stoutly. "No, I daresay it is impossible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not." Said Elrond. Merry and Pippin peered at everyone from behind two large stone pillars. "We're coming too!" "Besides, you need someone of intelligence on this sort of mission. quest. thing." Said Pippin. "Well that rules you out, Pip!" said Merry. So Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Ron, Harry, Hermione and Draco stood together. "You will be the Fellowship of the Ring." Said Elrond. "Right. Where are we going then?" said Pippin. "Oh, and one more thing." Said Harry. "Isn't it a bit. unlucky to have thirteen of us going on this quest?" * So, the thirteen of them set off for the Mines of Moria. They had to pass Caradhras, the mountain, first. Instead of going past it, like any sensible Fellowship would though, they climbed over it. A blizzard set upon them. "IT'S.B.B.BLOODY COLD!!!" shouted Ron. "Uh oh." said Hermione and Harry. Snow started to fall from the ridge above them, and the mountain shook with the force of Ron's yell. Bits of rock hit them, and it seemed ages before the avalanche stopped. When it finally did, Legolas' head popped out from under the thick white blanket of snow. "Is everyone ok?" he said, and surprisingly, his hair was still perfect. Hermione's head came up next. "Never better." She said, with a false smile on her face. What she really wanted to say was the snow has made my hair even frizzier than usual. Harry's head revealed itself, and soon after everyone else was found to be ok. They trudged on through the snow, and, very conveniently, arrived at Moria on the exact moon when the gates could be opened. However, Gandalf proved to be of no help opening the gates. "Speak friend, and enter. I wonder what that means?" he scratched his head in puzzlement. Hermione pushed him away. "Oh move over! Alohomora!" The door opened and the thirteen of them walked inside Moria. Everyone overheard Gimli talking to Legolas. "Soon Master Elf, you will enjoy the hospitality of the dwarves! Wonderful food. red meat! And they call it a mine, a mine!" Legolas rolled his eyes. Draco became cranky. "It would have been far more hospitable of them to install a light switch, don't you think?" He took out his wand. "Lumos!" The mines were suddenly filled with a bright light. Draco looked smug until he saw the skeletons. His face went a very pale colour, and he seemed speechless. Hermione cried out. "Oh, that's right! Moria isn't exactly a big attraction now. It's a tomb! And Gimli, I wouldn't get your hopes up about seeing your cousin Balin." Gimli looked angry. "And why is that?" "Well, you see a balrog escaped, and so did a rather nasty cave troll. and. oh I can't explain it now! Wait until we get to his tomb." Gimli looked at Hermione in disbelief. "I'll believe it when I see it." They walked further, and came to a junction of three different pathways. They stopped. "I have no memory of this place." said Gandalf. Harry spoke. "Gandalf, which tunnel doesn't smell foul? That's where we need to go." "Ah, yes, Mr. Potter. If in doubt, always follow your nose." He pointed to one of the tunnels. "It's this way." After following the path for a while, they came into a large opening of the mine. They walked across a bridge, and saw what looked like a large room. They entered the room, and in the middle was a large stone slab, illuminated by the light from the window. The thirteen of them gathered around the stone, as it was really the only interesting thing in the room. Gimli began to decipher the runes. "Here lies Balin, Son of Fundin, Lord of Moria." Gimli let out a cry and his helmet made a loud clunk on the tomb. Meanwhile, Pippin was playing with a skeleton sitting on top of a well. He pulled the hand, and Ron said "I wouldn't do that, Pippin. It might-" he was stopped by the skeleton falling into the well, making several loud clunks on the way down, Pippin cringing at every one. "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time!" scolded Gandalf. "I think we better get out before." Hermione was cut off by an arrow which hit the door. Strider and Boromir ran to close it, and reached just before another round of arrows was fired. The ground then started to shake, and they all backed away from the door. It flung open, and a huge, ugly cave- troll bashed its way in. "I tried to tell you this would happen!" said Hermione, who let out a yelp when the troll picked her up and flung her across the room. Ron waved his wand, and yelled "Petrificus Totalus!" The cave troll froze and fell to the ground, and the thirteen ran out of the room, only to be greeted by an assault of arrows. Legolas fired back, and shot most of the orcs who posed a threat. They ran on to the bridge of Khazad-dum. Gradually, a large orange light lit up the hall behind them, and they stood there, until Harry yelled "BALROG!" The thirteen ran across the bridge, until they arrived at a large gap. "We'll have to jump!" said Gandalf. First went the four Hogwarts students, then Merry, Pippin and Sam, followed by Boromir and Legolas. The ground quaked, and the part of the bridge that Frodo and Aragorn were left on separated itself from the rest of the bridge and began to sway slowly to the side. Aragorn and Frodo leaned in the opposite direction, and the bridge swayed, and they jumped into the arms of Legolas and Boromir. The Balrog started to catch up, but Hermione held up her wand, and using the swish and flick, said "WinGARdium LeviOOOsa!" and sure enough, the Balrog floated above their heads, confused. They took the opportunity to run outside, and were greeted by warm sunshine. * They arrived at Lothlorien that night, and were greeted by Haldir. He blindfolded Gimli and took them to see Galadriel. They climbed many stairs before they saw her, and on the way they talked about how her powers could rival Gandalf's. "I hardly think she's that great." Said Draco. And when they finally arrived at her dwelling, Ron was the first to speak. "Excuse me, but isn't there an elevator here or something? I mean those stairs were pretty tiring." "Silence!" said Galadriel. She looked at the group with a critical eye. Draco felt uneasy, and spoke. "I challenge you to a duel!" Everyone looked at him. "Well I'm bored! Just let me have some fun!" Galadriel looked disapproving. "If you are prepared to duel with me, Mr. Malfoy, then go ahead." Draco took out his wand, pointed it at her and said "Expelliarmus!" straight away, she fell backwards with the force of the blow. "I see your powers rival mine, Draco. But I must warn you not to gloat too soon!" She held out her hands, and a burst of light threw Draco almost out of the huge tree. He stood up, looking disheveled and panting. 'That-didn't-hurt!" he said, and pointed his wand again yelling "Expelliarmus!" It had the same effect as last time. "Draco, this is getting a bit old. Not to mention childish. Just put down your wand, we know you're powerful." Said Harry. "Shut up Potter, I-" in mid sentence, Draco found himself spinning on the ground, and saw Gandalf controlling him with his staff. "Why does everybody pick on me?" cried Draco. "I'm really quite adorable, and rather good- looking, and I can be nice, I just choose not to be!" Again, Draco ran away. He rushed down the steps and out of Lothlorien. No one ran after him. * Galadriel motioned for Frodo to follow her. They came to a small fountain, and what looked like a large dish filled with clear water. "Will you look into the mirror?" asked Galadriel. "What will I see?" "Some things that were. some that are. and some things. that have not yet come to pass." Frodo leaned over to look at the mirror, but a voice startled him. It was Hermione. He sighed. "That's not a magical mirror, Frodo. That's just an enchanted penseive." Galadriel looked angry. "Do not reveal the secrets of the mirror." "Hermione, can't you just stop being such a know-it-all?" said Frodo, sounding exasperated. Hermione's eyes narrowed. "No." and she made a funny sniffing sort of noise, and started to run. "We've lost another one." Sighed Frodo. "Oh well, I guess it was my fault." * Hermione saw Draco in the distance. "DRACO!" she called. He turned around. "What is it, Granger?" "Draco, I'm sick of being ignored or brushed off as a know it all. And I saw you running away and I thought. you might get lonely." Draco sighed. "Come on then, Granger." They walked off together, not sure of where they would end up. * Frodo told the remaining members of the fellowship how Hermione had run away. Harry and Ron looked at him in disbelief. "How could you?" said Harry. "She's the smartest one here, and she knows all sorts of spells which could help us!" "Harry's right." Said Ron. "How could you say that to her?" Frodo turned bright red. "Well. err." "We have to find her!" said Harry. "But what about the ring?" whined Frodo. "Stuff the ring!" said Ron. So Harry and Ron also parted the company of the Fellowship to search for Hermione. * "How do we get back to Hogwarts?" said Hermione. "I thought you would know, you know everything." Scoffed Draco. "Don't make me hurt you." They heard what sounded like an army of footsteps. "Orcs!" cried Hermione. "Orcs, what are they?" Draco spoke too soon. The Orcs charged towards them at an astounding speed. Hermione and Draco ran as fast as they could. Turning to look back, they did not see what was in front of them. They each felt a hand grab their arm, and Hermione recognised that the hands belonged to Saruman. "Well well. The Fellowship no longer needs them, and Hermione and Draco come running through the woods. * "LET GO!" yelled Hermione, as she struggled to get free. "There is no chance of that, Miss Granger. I have many uses for talented witches and wizards like yourself and Mr. Malfoy." Said Saruman. "The armies of evil are not always as strong as they appear to be. My fighting Uruk-hai just don't have that extra sparkle." One of the Orcs looked put out. "That's not true!" he said. "Didn't you see us in the second age fighting that alliance of men and elves?" "Yes, yes, but that was the second age, honey! Welcome to the third age! Age of technology and glowing blue swords!" said Saruman. "Wait, you're saying I'm finally going to get away from the stupid do- gooders? It's about time!" said Draco, looking happy. "But Draco, what about getting back to Hogwarts? And what about that whole 'don't think I'm evil just because.' speech?" asked Hermione, tears welling in her eyes. "Stop your crying! Now that the evil is right in front of me it's just too damn tempting to resist! Besides, I've got the whole evil thing down, I wouldn't look right cast as the good guy, would I?" replied Draco, his eyes glowing with power. "Ah, I have no need to brainwash you, Draco. As for Miss Granger. There's work to do." * "Come on Ron, hurry up!" cried Harry. "Harry. I think I just saw some gold over there!" said Ron. "I don't care! Hurry up, we have to find Hermione!" "Oh, fine." They ran through the woods of Lothlorien, turning every stone to find Hermione. By the time they were exhausted, it was nighttime. They decided to head back to Galadriel's dwelling to see the remaining members of the Fellowship. * "Well, we couldn't find her. But we do have an idea." Said Harry. Everyone looked at Harry. "What is it?" said Pippin. "Well. we'll need to borrow Legolas for a while." said Ron. Everyone turned to Legolas. Even though it was nighttime his beautiful blonde hair shone and positively screamed "I use hair moisturizer." "Why do you need me for this?" said Legolas. "Well," said Harry "Hermione's had a crush on you this whole time she's been part of the Fellowship, and we thought that if you asked her to come back with some. incentive, she'd return." "What??" screamed Legolas, his hair doing a cute little flip. "I won't lie about something like that, her hair is far too frizzy!" "It's the only way we can finish this quest soon." Said Harry. "Please?" "Well. what's in it for me?" "Ermmm." Harry nudged Ron. "There's. ermmm." "There's not really anything in it for you. except for the fact that this journey is over sooner." "Well this journey has been murder on my hair and skin, and my nails are positively ragged!" said Legolas, holding out his beautiful non-ragged nails for all to see. "Ok, I'll do it." * Hermione sat in the large chair, struggling to free herself from the restraints. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" she screamed, as Draco and Saruman looked on, laughing. "Now for the evil in her to be unleashed!" cried Saruman. He laughed evilly. Robotically, his Orcs entered the room. "NAILS, HAIR, EYES, I WANT THE LOT!" said Saruman. "What?" said Hermione, a confused look on her face. The Orcs walked over to her, and as she felt her head being put back into a basin and washed "I wondered what the basin was for." another orc started manicuring her nails, and applying a black polish to them. * The end result was scarily evil, but looked scarily good. Hermione's hair was now dead straight and black, and very shiny. She wondered if they used the same leave-in conditioner as Legolas did. Her eyes were now ice blue like Draco's, thanks to a great pair of contact lenses. She was barely recognizable. Draco's eyes bugged out of his head. "Hermione. you look. evil! You look like a Slytherin! Wow!" Almost instantly, Hermione had turned evil. "I like it too. I'm ready to fight, Saruman." * "Now we'll need to use Galadriel's mirror, and we'll need Galadriel to channel the message to Hermione... wherever she is." Said Harry. "The use of my mirror is granted, as Hermione plays a great part in this quest." Said Galadriel, looking solemn. Galadriel looked into her mirror, or enchanted penseive as some called it, and conjured an image of Hermione. Suddenly, millions of pictures flashed through the mirror, finally stopping on a girl with dead straight black hair, ice blue eyes and who was very evil looking. "Who's that?" asked Legolas. "Bloody hell! That looks a bit like Hermione. but. evil!" said Ron. "I don't think it worked, Galadriel." "The mirror does not lie. The girl you see is Hermione." Said Galadriel. "See the people behind her? They are Draco and Saruman. She has fallen into shadow." "Well that's just great." Said Legolas sarcastically. "How are we supposed to save her now?" Galadriel glared at Legolas. "You will talk to the mirror, and Hermione will clearly see and hear you." Legolas leaned over the penseive. "Hermione, can you hear me?" * Hermione swore she heard a familiar voice. "Ermm. just going outside for a little while." She said to Saruman and Draco. An image of Legolas flashed before her eyes. She heard his voice. "Hermione, can you hear me?" "Yes. Is this Legolas?" "Yes. Hermione, you have to return to the Fellowship. Because I." He trailed off, but then she saw a finger poking him, and Legolas said "OW! Ok, Ok!" "Hermione, you have to return to the Fellowship because I erm." he coughed. "Like you." Hermione couldn't believe what she was hearing. Legolas liked her? This was something new! "How do I know this isn't a trick?" she said. "Well. you'll just have to believe me on this one, Hermy." She swooned. He called me Hermy! She thought. But my work here isn't done yet. "I'm sorry, Legolas, but I can't go now. I'm staying here. Goodbye." * Legolas sighed. "Well that didn't work! It's getting late. We should be sleeping." Everyone agreed. They were all tired, and thought they could try getting Hermione back in the morning, when they were refreshed. * Frodo woke up, and on instinct his hand went to the chain around his neck bearing the ring. It was gone. "NOOOOOOO!" screamed Frodo. "WHERE IS THE ONE RING??" Everyone woke up. Cries of "Shut up, Frodo!" and "I need my beauty sleep!" could be heard. "Has anyone seen my ring? Gold, kinda big, elvish upon the band. you can't miss it!" he said. Harry, Ron, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Legolas, Boromir, Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli and of course Frodo all searched for the ring. They retraced all of their steps they had taken the previous night, but after six hours, the search proved useless. Until Frodo went back to his sleeping place and saw a note written in elvish. "It's some form of elvish, I can't-" he was cut off by more cries of "That's getting sooo old" and "We know that part already!" Gandalf snatched the paper away from Frodo. He began to read what was written there.  
  
Took the Ring. Was very easy. Frodo very heavy sleeper. Could sleep through entire third age if not woken. Well, must leave. Must take over Middle- Earth, wreak havoc, you know the deal. Evilness 'n' Luv, Saruman. "He has taken the One Ring! We must stop him! To Orthanc!" shouted Gandalf. * "Hermione, I trust you to take care of this ring." Said Saruman. "Sure, you can trust me." "Hey, why are you giving it to her? Just because she's had a makeover and she's really pretty- Shouldn't have said that." Draco turned bright red and ran out of the room. Hermione stood open mouthed, in light of shocking revelations. Saruman handed the ring on a chain to Hermione. She placed it around her neck. "Thankyou." Saruman walked out of the room. She counted to ten, and ran to the stairs, descending them quickly. At the bottom, she saw eleven travelers walking towards the tower. I knew they would come. "Looking for someone?" said Hermione. "Now why does that line sound familiar." said Legolas, going into deep thought. "HERMIONE!" Everyone cried at once, except Legolas, who was still puzzling where he had heard that absolutely Wilde line before. She walked towards them. "Don't be scared." She said as she saw their intimidated expressions. "I'm not really evil. You think hair can change who you are?" "Well, actually." said Legolas. "I only worked for Saruman because I wanted to get the ring. No offense to everyone here, but the journey would have been a lot slower were it not for me. Now we can take this thing to Mount Doom on a." She took something from behind her back. "Firebolt." Harry was astounded. "But, how did you.?" "A few simple spells, some cool magic I learned from Saruman, no biggie. Harry, just ride the Firebolt to Mount Doom, destroy the ring and Middle- Earth will no longer be in peril!" "Well ok, but." Harry looked over at Frodo. "I think Frodo should go with me. He was going to be the one to throw the ring into the fiery pits of Mount Doom originally." Tears welled in Frodo's eyes. "That's so sweet of you, Harry!" He ran over to hug Harry, but it was only a manly, "what a noble manly gesture", masculine sort of hug. (Jojo's note- *cough* yes. of course.) Sam looked on in jealousy. "Well, I think we had all better start heading back to Lothlorien. Frodo and Harry, if you do manage to rid Middle-Earth of the ring, we'll see you there. If not." Hermione looked teary. "Oh Harry, be careful." * Harry mounted his Firebolt with Frodo sitting on the back, Harry wearing the ring around his neck. He waved a nervous goodbye to the ten remaining members of the Fellowship and took off. "Well, Frodo, here we go. I feel pretty special taking the ring to Mount Doom, Don't you?" Frodo spoke. "Yes, I do. But it's a big responsibility, you know? I think I should take it. Just let me take care of it for a while, I'm more used to it than you are." "Ok." Said Harry, not knowing what turn his kind actions would take. He passed the Ring to Frodo and Frodo grabbed it, quickly placing it around his neck. Harry turned around to face the direction they were headed. "Frodo, what's it like putting on the Ring?" There came no answer. "Frodo?" Harry turned around to face him, but Frodo was not there. Instead, Harry looked down and Frodo was falling through the air. "Frodo!" cried Harry. He darted and dodged trees on his firebolt, but did not get to Frodo before he reached the ground. But Frodo did not lie in pain. He got up immediately and ran away from Harry and the firebolt. "Frodo, where are you going?" cried Harry. "Away!" shouted Frodo. Harry got out his wand and yelled "Petrificus Totalus!" Frodo froze. Harry dismounted his Firebolt. "Now tell me why you're running away or I'll do the spell again and leave you like this." Harry performed the counter-curse and Frodo spoke. "How would you feel living in the boring old Shire for all of your life? No adventure, nothing! Now I have a chance for adventure and I'm not going to let it go!" "I don't understand. Why would you want to risk the fate of Middle-Earth just for some adventure? I thought you wanted to go home, Frodo." "Well I hate the Shire! I've been calling up Orcs, Ringwraiths and even a Balrog to try and make this adventure longer! Haven't you noticed we've run into an abnormally large number of misfortunes?" "Well. yes." Frodo kept whining about how much he hated the Shire, but Harry had an idea. He took out his wand, and pointed it at the chain that bore the ring. "Wingardium Leviosa!" The ring and chain rose up in the air over Frodo's head, and Harry caught it. He mounted his broomstick and flew away at unbelievable speed towards Mount Doom. Frodo stood there in shock, with tears welling in his eyes. * Harry arrived at Mount Doom a few days later. He flew to the top on the Firebolt, landed, dismounted and walked through the entrance to the fiery pits. He took the chain off from around his neck, but froze when he saw the eye of Sauron. It flashed before his eyes. It seemed like years before he finally found the strength to keep moving. He looked over the edge of the pit. Flames shot up at him. The heat was almost unbearable. He threw the ring in, and as it fell a mighty blast sent Harry back against the wall. Suddenly it was quiet. * "I wonder where they are?" said Hermione. "It's been days!" "I would not worry about Harry, Hermione." Said Galadriel. Hermione turned around to look at Galadriel and saw Harry standing next to her. "HARRY!" cried Hermione. She rushed up and hugged him, and Harry blushed. Ron smiled and walked up to Harry. "I knew you could do it Harry." The rest of the Fellowship, minus Draco and Frodo of course, all started to congratulate Harry. "Before you thank me, there's something I have to tell you." He said. Everyone stopped and listened. "Frodo didn't come with me to throw the ring into Mount Doom. He wanted to sabotage the quest so it would take longer. In fact, he called up the Orcs, Balrog and Ringwraiths. He just wanted some adventure, poor little guy. He was too naïve to see what effect his actions could take." Sam looked at Harry in disbelief. "Well we have to find him! We can't just leave him!" "I know. I have a plan to get him back." "What about. Draco?" said Hermione nervously. "I know that not everyone here likes him, but he can't stay in Middle-Earth with Saruman. Harry, Ron, we have to get back to Hogwarts." "She's right, you know." Said Ron. * Draco sat in the corner pouting. "I can't believe evil lost again." One of the orcs sat next to him. "It's not all bad. Now I can get back to my family!" "Yes, but I have nowhere to go. I don't know how to get back to Hogwarts, and I don't want to stay here with some washed up Dark Lord." Draco sighed. The Orc walked off. Just then, Draco heard a high-pitched voice. "Looking for someone?" It was Hermione, with the rest of the Fellowship standing behind her, including Frodo. "HERMIONE! YOU'RE HERE! Ermmm. I mean." he said. Legolas had a puzzled look on his face again. "I know that line from somewhere! I can't remember where from! It's so ANNOYING!" Hermione looked at Draco understandingly. "Draco, we're all going back to Hogwarts. Won't you join us? There's a portal just over there." She pointed to a portrait of Albus Dumbledore. "Oh, all right." Said Draco. The four Hogwarts students and Frodo walked over to the portal. "Frodo, you're not going through the portal!" said Draco. "Yes I am." Said Frodo. "I'm going to Hogwarts." 


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody