Total Drama series Bait Gone Bad

**For my Secret Santa recipient, Blanche Et Noir Takaramono. An awesome writer in the Total Drama fandom. She also writes for Danganronpa, so if you're into that, be sure to check out those stories as well.**

**DISCLAIMER: I have none.**

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"Okay, let me go over this one. More. Time," Scarlett hissed. She had Max pinned against the grey, concrete wall. Her face was red from exhaustion and anger. "We are going to lure Dave down the alleyway so he will fall down the damn manhole and into the sewer, where he will have a significant meltdown and go on a murderous rampage! Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear?"

Per Scarlett's frustrated instructions, Scarlett and Max were in a narrow alleyway. The manhole was somewhere down the middle of the path. While there was enough room to walk around the manhole, Scarlett had potted plants placed on either side so that one would have to walk over it. Scarlett had the cover removed and the manhole was concealed by a carpet that was sanitised and sprayed on by a fresh scent. Half a metre away from the manhole was a table full of soap, deodorant, shampoo, shower gel, hand sanitizers and other products that cater to personal hygiene to attract Dave. Normally, Dave would avoid alleyways at all costs, associating them with homeless people; whom Dave labels as "filthy pigs who are the scourge of society". But all of those hygiene products would be too desirable for Dave to resist. Furthermore, the potted plants and the fresh carpet would help to calm Dave's nerves as he falls for the trap.

The plan was for Dave to fall into the sewer, become less sane from falling into a river of piss, vomit, shit and dead rats, and then proceed to kill a bunch of people. Dave was that kind of person. Scarlett can vividly recall the last time she attended a _Total Drama_ reunion, when Owen forgot to wait his turn to use the toilet while Dave was still in the cubicle. Owen later died from trauma to the brain that evening after having his skull repeatedly bashed against one of the sinks. Three interns who happened to be passing by the male toilets had tragically endured a similar fate. Dave would've killed or maimed another person had Chef not sedated him in the nick of time. Chris begrudgingly ended the reunion earlier than he planned, and promptly banned Dave from all future events related to the show. Of course, being Chris, he never bothered to turn Dave into the cops and instead framed an intern who hated Owen the most for the crime because said intern put too much sugar in Chris's coffee. The intern was beaten to death several months later in prison by an angry cellmate who complained that the former looked like Edward Cullen (which was another reason why Chris hated that intern as well).

After Dave kills a plethora of innocent bystanders, the media would be so distracted by the incident, enabling Scarlett to implement her more twisted schemes with a reduced risk of getting caught. Best of all, Dave will be locked behind bars for the rest of his life. Scarlett hated Dave. He was annoying. But the main reason she hated him was because of her friendship with Sky. All they wanted to do was for one of them to win _Total Drama Pahkitew Island_, split the money between them and use their money to increase their power and influence on the world. Dave following Sky around like a lonely fish would only compromise Sky's plans, and Scarlett was not about to let her friend fall behind. Obviously, Max was far more annoying. Unfortunately, Scarlett and Sky needed a scapegoat in case their plans went wrong, and Max was retarded enough to take full credit for the atrocities the due would have committed. Nevertheless, it was not uncommon for Max's stupidity to test Scarlett's patience.

Max smugly closed his eyes and responded. "Precisely, minion. However, your plan is not evil enough," he lectured the quiet brainiac. "We must blow up the whole city, frame it on the head of state of another country so that Canada would nuke said country, and then I will RULE THE WORLD!" he cackled.

"So how are you going to rule the world if Canada is off committing war crimes?" Scarlett demanded. "If that were to happen, against all odds of course, the public would just elect a new government who would pay reparations to the country affected by the atrocities of the previous government. If we were descend into anarchy, Izzy or Courtney would just take over after a coup d'état. Which is probably going to happen eventually anyway. But that is beside the point. The point is, I want Dave imprisoned so there will be less distractions. Now shut the hell up and act natural."

"Act natural?!" Max scolded. "Have you no common sense, minion?! Dave will catch on! We have to be subtle, minion! Especially when dealing with genre savvy enemies," the super villain pointed out.

"Compared to you at least, Dave is genre savvy. So he'll assume you're just being a dumbass, which you usually are," Scarlett rolled her eyes. She hears footsteps. "Here he comes. Don't mess this up," Scarlett warned Max. They both stood in front of the plants as they waited.

"Stop following me around. I'm not going to help you and Heather fuck this city over."

"Please, Noah. No need to be abrasive. I haven't even mentioned the details of mi Amor's policies when she becomes mayor."

"_When_ she becomes mayor?! Sounds like you plan to rig the votes on Election Day."

"We would never do that! We live in a democracy!"

Scarlett shook her head and sighed. "Not Dave," she murmured, as Noah and Alejandro came into view.

"Look, how many times do I have to say "no" before you get that I want you to piss off?" Noah finally demanded. "No means no! Learn to take a hint- no, I'm telling you _exactly_ how I feel. By the way, you look like a potential registered sex offender since you're following me into an alleyway when I'm trying to get you to go away," he added.

"Is this why you're venturing out into an alleyway?" Alejandro sneered. "So I'd have to leave you alone or else be falsely accused of attempting to sexually assault you? We all know that this whole city is full of AleNoah shippers. Witnesses are probably masturbating as we speak. Face it amigo: I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out."

"Guess I'll just have a trot down to the police station then," Noah deadpanned. He kept walking towards Scarlett and Max. Scarlett was not about to let Noah run her plans.

"Hold it right there!" Scarlett called out.

Noah stopped in his tracks. "Yeah?" he asked.

"This isn't the way to the police station," Scarlett informed the bookworm.

"Yes it is," Noah replied. "There is no dead end. So I can still get to the station eventually."

"It would take longer than if you used the main streets," Scarlett pointed out. "According to my analysis of the map of the city, you would have to walk through three more streets to get to the police station if you walk through this alleyway and exit out the other end. Taking you approximately seven minutes and 34 seconds longer than if you were to just stick to the main streets."

"Long enough so that Ale-handjob would finally get the message and fuck off," Noah explained.

"Do you have any idea on how to get rid of an unwanted person?" Scarlett snickered.

"Yeah," Noah smirked. "As a matter of fact, I do. I just be myself. People catch on that I'm an asshole and then leave me alone."

"Will I guess that seems to be working," Scarlett snarked. "In fact, I'm positive it has worked with Courtney and Izzy, am I correct?"

"What idiotas," Alejandro murmured, starting at the carpet. "Do they even know how to set up a trap?"

"Minion's decision, not mine!" Max huffed, having overhead Alejandro's muttering. "If we had it my way, Dave would've fallen into a trap that would set off an explosion, blowing up most of the city."

Alejandro rolled his eyes at Max's stupidity. "Of _course_ this was Scarlett's idea. She knows that Dave would cause greater damage when dirty than an explosion caused by you. Like you know anything about explosives."

"Minion will set them up for me," Max sneered.

Alejandro snorted with laughter. "Glad you trust your life with your "minion"," he mused. "But without her, you'd be arrested for petty offences at the very best. But I suppose you would be in jail long enough for something to happen to you after you've dropped the soap."

"You think dropping the soap is the most evil thing?!" Max scoffed, not getting what Alejandro was insinuating. "You are the most pathetic person I have ever met."

"Pathetic?" Alejandro shook his head in condescension. "Listen here, junior. I've gotten an entire team eliminated back to back. I've manipulated an emotionally, mentally, psychologically volatile girl who just got cheated on by her boyfriend into making a bigger ass of herself; the same girl with aspirations to one day rule a country. I've almost gotten somebody killed. All you've done was act like a shithead." The Spaniard paused for a second. "Well, you did try to kidnap a baby by hiding it in the back of your shirt. But a truly evil person would realise that this would make them look like a paedophile, so I consider it to be more of a stupidity event horizon than a moral event horizon."

Max was flabbergasted. "That- that is preposterous!" he gasped. As he and Alejandro continued arguing over who was evil, Noah and Scarlett continued to argue over who was more intelligent.

"So my methods have their flaws," Noah shrugged. "At least if I was in your place in _Scarlett Fever_, I would've shot down Chris's helicopter instead of just blackmail him with the other contestants' lives."

"I knew all along that Chris is a selfish asshole," Scarlett rolled her eyes. "I hacked into the system so that if it were to run out of time, nothing would happen. I my motive was for Chris to either give me the money or go back to prison. Guess he knew he would get away with it anyway, considering he's been sleeping with literally everyone in the government lately," she huffed.

"Even if Chris wasn't going to get away with it, he does not have the foresight to realise that," Noah reminded Scarlett. "In fact, he got his own cell the last time he was in prison. Though I think it was probably due to the fact that he kept molesting the other inmates."

"Whatever; at least I wouldn't sit on my arse doing nothing during a game of dodgeball and be an arrogant asshole to the team whenever they lost, but flip out upon getting eliminated," snarled Scarlett.

"That. Was. Six. Years. Ago," Noah gritted his teeth. "Besides, I'm useless at dodgeball. It wouldn't have made any difference if I pulled my arse that day."

"Well an intelligent person would still at least _try_ so they wouldn't get eliminated," Scarlett pointed out.

Noah had had enough. He started to leave. "Yeah?" he scowled. "Well screw this! I'm outta he-EEEERRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the bookworm yelped as he fell down the manhole. The carpet fell down with him.

Scarlett shook her head and sighed relentlessly. "Another plan ruined. At least Max didn't fuck up this time."

All of a sudden, Dave showed up. "I got your text," he smiled. "Is Sky here-"

Realising that her plan has been compromised, Scarlett warned Dave: "Dave, now wouldn't be the right time."

Dave sighed but just as he was about to leave, he noticed the products on the table. "Are does hygienic products?!" he gasped. He immediately scrambled towards them and fell into the manhole. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" he shrieked as he fell into the sewer. There was a splash. "OH GOD, IT'S ROUNDER AND MORE CLAUSTROPHOBIC THAN I THOUGHT!" he wailed.

"That's because it's not a combined sewer, Einstein!" Noah deadpanned.

Scarlett smirked in triumph. "C'mon, let's go Max." She grabbed Max by the shoulder walked off.

"But I'm not done arguing with Alejandro!" Max whined.

Scarlett kept dragging Max despite his protests. "Tough! Dave is going to go on a murderous rampage! We have to get out of here!" Scarlett hissed. Before they managed to get away, however, Noah climbed out the manhole.

"I knocked him out," Noah told Scarlett, as he retrieved the manhole cover and put it back on the hole and locked it. "Looks like I've foiled a mastermind's plan. Who's more intelligent now?"

"You cocky piece of shit!" Scarlett growled.

Noah looked very smug. "Well, you can always go to college and-" Scarlett punched him in the face, knocking him out.

"It's back to the drawing board," Scarlett said to Max, as she dragged him off. Alejandro followed them. Needless to say, this annoyed Scarlett. "Can I help you?" she demanded.

"I would like to offer some assistance," Alejandro proposed. "But in return, you have to help Heather get elected as mayor of the city."

"Oh stick it up your ass!" Scarlett snapped. "I know you two would try to take over and fuck me over." She continued dragging Max down the street, but Alejandro kept following them, much to Scarlett's chagrin. Fortunately, Izzy showed up and kidnapped Alejandro, along with Noah and Dave, so she could shag them. Unfortunately, she later did the same to Scarlett and Max.

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**Merry Christmas Blanche Et Noir Takaramono!**


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Total Drama series, Humor