Chrono Trigger 1. Disclaimer and Information

Item One:

I do not own Chrono Trigger. I don't own a single thing. Not a thing. Not one piece of Chrono Trigger. I don't own any single piece of Chrono Trigger. Not a one. This is a _Fanfic_. Everything in it is made up by an author who wishes he had enough money and skills to make Chrono Trigger himself. So, I don't claim any right to the game or its characters or anything else.

Now that we've got that out of the way… Item Two:

This is not a continuation, or any part of, my other story on here. Simply put, I just come up with some funny idea that's based on something actually in the game of Chrono Trigger, and then extend it to about a thousand words so you don't realize I have one joke. So if you're tired of the doom and gloom in my other story, this may be a brief respite for you. And if you haven't read my other story yet, then you probably don't know what I'm talking about when I say it's the greatest thing ever written since _The Scarlet Letter_. Actually, even if you _have_ read my other story, you won't know what I'm talking about when I say that. I can only promise I do not participate in substance abuse.

Item Three:

There is no item three.

Item Four:

This story is going to be hit-or-miss on updates. Basically, if I can't think of anything for my main story, and I have a funny idea, I'll put something up. Both have to happen at the same time. This disclaimer counts as one funny idea. And each update will be a separate "event." So you don't have to read them in order.

All that said, let's begin!


	2. Interview with a Hero

All right, honey, I have the tape set up. I've got fast hands – I managed to hit the record button right before they started the program! Oh, I'm so proud to see you on TV. Here, I'll hit play:

"Good evening, and welcome back to GNN. I'm your host, Lou King Spiffay, and tonight's top story – the man behind the legend, the legend behind the man, the mission behind them both, the man behind the curtain, pay no attention to him, and the pictures behind me. One of them is of a dragon. Pay special attention to that one, because I spent all afternoon drawing it. But enough about me. Now we go live on the field with our top interviewer, Jay Walking! Okay Jay?"

"What?"

"I said okay, Jay?"

"Oh, oh, right. Right. Yes, I'm here at the house of the famed man, the hero who traveled through time to save the world from its greatest threat – a threat in the form of a beast called Lavos. That man is known as Crono, and he lived here in relative obscurity, until today. I'm going up to the door now."

_KNOCK KNOCK_

"Hello, is this the residence of Crono?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Jay Walking – "

"I can see that, but I asked _who_ are you, not 'what are you doing?' "

"No, I'm Jay Walking with GNN, and I'm here for a special interview with Crono, the man who saved the world with a – "

"We don't need any."

"Pardon?"

"We don't need anything you're selling."

"… Crono doesn't live here, does he."

"Oh, you want to know where Chrono lives? Why didn't you say so – just across the street! That way!"

_SLAM_

"I'm walking to the door now, the door that belongs to the famed man, the hero who traveled through time to rid the world of its largest parasite since… well, large parasites, and whose courage and determination have been well recorded in countless historical documents. Let's meet Crono, the boy wonder. I'm at the door now."

_KNOCK KNOCK_

"Hello?"

"Ma'am, hello, I'm Jay Walking, and I was wondering – "

"No, I can see that."

"Huh?"

"I saw you walking across the street a moment ago."

"No, I'm Jay! Jay Walking from GNN, and I'm here – "

"Oh, oh, you're the man from the news agency! Come right inside. CRONO! THE MAN FROM THE TELEVISION IS HERE TO SEE YOU!"

"Yes, this is the home of the fabled boy, the man of the hour, the child of power, the little action tyke, the baby boomer, the kid who managed to do it all before his twentieth birthday."

"Oh, he's actually twenty-two now."

"…Before his twenty-third birthday. And here he comes now. I can see a foot! Yes, there's a foot. I see both feet! He's coming, he's coming, and now there's a leg! And there's a finger! … um… sorry. He's coming down the stairs now – Hello, Crono! Come, take a seat! Ma'am, you do own furniture?"

"Not really. I never even had my bedroom programmed."

"You must have a sofa of some kind."

"Why don't you just sit on the rug. It's cozy."

"I'm here on the rug with mystery man Crono – _mmph_ – my knees isn't what they used to – with mystery man Crono as we dare to delve deep into… the psyche… of a hero."

"Son, pay attention!"

"Ma'am, if you wouldn't mind moving out of the camera's view."

"Certainly."

"Now, Crono, I must begin with a simple question. A question that will satiate the most insatiable of curiosities. What exactly inspired you to set forth bravely and save the world?"

"…

"...

"...

"..."

"Sorry. I'll speak a little louder. Crono, _ahem_, what inspired your glorious adventure through the realms of time to rid the world of Lavos?"

"…

"...

"..."

"I'll try another question. All right – Mr. Debney, when did you first get interested in the third-class lever? Wait, that card is from another interview. Ah, here we are. Crono, what was the beast Lavos like?"

"…"

"Lavos. The beast. What did he look like?"

"…"

"Is this microphone on? Of course not, there's no _cord_. I'll just toss it away, then."

"_MEEYAWWR!_"

"…"

"Sorry about that. Nice kitty, good kitty, there we go. Say hello to Crono, kitty."

"…"

"…"

"Good, at least you two know each other. Now, Crono, one more question for our viewing audience. Where did you first learn… excuse me, kitty, I'm not in the mood, stop touching me – ah, where did you first learn your magic skills? That is, who taught them to you?"

"…"

"..."

"I expected as much. WHO TAUGHT YOU MAGIC?"

"…"

"He's not deaf you know."

"Sorry, it's this microphone, I knew it."

"…"

"Get OFF me!"

"…"

"Here, YOU take the kitty."

"…"

"…"

"Thank you so much, Mr., ah – sir, Crono, for your time. So glad to get to know you so well. But I'm running out of time for this interview. Would I be so naïve as to ask you if you have any last words for our audience?"

"…"

"It appears I would be. Well, thank you Crono, Mrs. Crono, and all for this invigorating interview. Join us tomorrow on GNN when we look at the Guru Melchior: Innocent shop owner, or shady illegal arms dealer? You'll know, right here, tomorrow, on GNN. Back to you Lou."

"Huh?"

"You. Lou. Two words. You and Lou. Back to you, Lou."

"Oh, right. Right. Yes, our guest has been Crono…"

"…"

"A hero by all standards. Looks left as if looking at Jay through the TV screen. Oh sorry, that's my blocking. I mean, thank you Jay for that enlightening experience. And now we move on to weather, Stan Ding in the corner over there…"

And that's all I taped, honey. Right there, we're famous now – you're on TV. Hey wait, come back! I taped _Timeline _too! You wanna watch it together? No? Didn't think so.


	3. The Candy Shop

"Hold on! I want to get some candy!"

I knew right then and there bringing Marle along was a bad idea. We had met only moments earlier when we ran into each other under Leene's Bell. Strangely enough, the force of us hitting each other was enough to send the girl's pendant flying off her neck and several feet away. She must have lost that thing like twice a day if it came off that easily. Anyway, we ran into each other. Actually, she ran into me. See, I'd been running into NPCs all day and nothing had happened. So it was totally her fault. She was all hyper and lying about how she was new and wanted to see the fair, and somehow got me to agree to let her hang around with me. I must admit that I was not at my peak intelligence, having had the brains recently knocked out of my head. Plus, it didn't help that she was totally hot.

So here we were, just on the way to my friend Lucca's sideshow. This is literally the only reason I come to the fair anyway. I mean, the only other attractions are mini-sidequests really. I can wait 'till later to do those, right? If I go free today, of course.

All I wanted then was to see this invention Lucca said she had waiting. But "Marle" (I never believed that was her real name) wanted some candy. Just my luck we'd walk right by a candy stall right then. She basically grabbed me by the arms and dragged me to the stall with her. Yeah, that's right, your Honor. She was grabbing me. Not the other way around. All my flashbacks the witnesses somehow have access to? Totally not true. That's on the record by the way.

Anyway, we're sitting there at this candy stall and there's _no one there._ Seriously, the stall is empty. And we just sit there patiently… until finally I got tired of this and said "Marle, let's get out of here."

She just got mad. "I just said I wanted some candy." She used this real nasal voice, which is quite possibly the most irritating thing I've heard in my life.

I responded, "Yeah, but there's no one here."

"Sure there is," she said. "He's standing right behind the counter."

I just look and, hey, the space behind the counter is empty. "No, actually, there's no one at the counter, and there is no counter because it's a _stall_."

"He's there," she insisted. "You just can't see him through the stall roof. It's all about the angles."

I just rolled my eyes at this point. "Look, I know that from the camera angle, which is looking downward from heaven, all you see is a tent roof, but we're right down here looking inside from a short distance. I mean, I'm standing here looking at you, and you're right there."

"Of course," she was saying. "That's because I'm not under the canopy."

And I gave up. "Fine. So he's just out of sight. Why hasn't _he _seen _us_ yet, then?"

"Maybe he's on break," she said.

That's when I grabbed her by the arm. It wasn't a harsh grip, just a friendly suggestion that we leave. I don't know why I didn't just leave her there, but I guess it was due to conscience. She's still be there, for all I know, dying of starvation, insisting that the man was just right there off-camera. This is on the record, now: I saved her life. And then she walked into a sucking vortex of death and I had to save her again… but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The girl just didn't get it. "Or he's on lunch," she was saying just as I gave her arm another jerk. She just yelled "_HEY_!" at me in that high-pitched, whiny voice. And I was just thinking about how much I would have to hear that stupid voice every time I would have to rescue her from the claws of a ferocious villain such as, I don't know, a mirror. "I swear there's someone on the other side. She's just great at copying my body movements. Wow, she's fast. _HEY_! What are you doing!?"

I don't know why I tried to speak sense into her. "Listen, if the guy went on break, he'd put up a sign or something. Let's go."

She refused and we started tugging. And suddenly he appeared. Like, literally, the candyman just _appeared_ at the counter. Marle was all smiles again and was saying "Hi, I'd like some of this." She never actually pointed to any candy. I'm pretty sure that when she was speaking Japanese, she actually named a brand, but she was afraid that there was no such thing as candy names in English. We just refer to everything sweet as _candy_. But the best thing was that the candyman totally understood her. He just reached in and grabbed a few candies, whatever they were, and handed them to her. He didn't even make us pay. I'm sure his job consists of popping into existence and giving free random candy to strangers. But Marle doesn't even take the candy. She just says "Thanks" and we walk off. For all I know, the candy is still sitting in that stall. You could ask the guy… if he exists.

From then on she acted as if the whole thing had never happened. She never actually ate any candy. I remember – I would have noticed by certain clues. You know, "Mmm," "Yum," or "This is sure good, real, not fake candy that I am actually eating!" She just walked with me to the Telepod show where she disappeared. I never touched her, so don't give me credit. Her pendant did all the work for me. I should have just taken the stupid pendant and left. Maybe it has more than sentimental value. That old geezer Melchior seemed interested in it anyway. Maybe the thing has crack in the lining or something. That could be why the girl is so hyper all the time.

So, your Honor, as to the question _did I abduct princess Nadia?_ I abducted the princess like my stomach abducted tapeworms. I abducted her like a cat abducts fleas. I abducted her like I abducted typhoid fever. It was totally her fault. Oh, and I was kidding about the pendant crack thing. That's off the record. The defense totally rests.


	4. The Worst Chapter in the World

_Hey all! Sorry I haven't updated in like forever! I'm totally not having time to write right now but I'll get faster soon I promise!!_

_Thanks to everyone for your reviews! Except you F/R. What is WRONG with you? Anyway I need your reviews so I wont update unless I get 6,347 reviews! And if you flame I'll sic the Frog King on you!_

_On to the story!_

He waited in his secret chambers. Blue torches flickered on the walls. Blue like his hair. He just waited, what seemed like hours, for her to arrive.

"Danm," he muttered to himself, pacing along the dark blue carpet. He had arranged this especially for her.

She came in late as always.

"Did anyone see you?" the blue-haired mystery said.

"Of course not." the girl said, moving around her big thick glasses.

They kissed. A kiss like… um… well… like candy.

Just then Crono came in. "Magus how dare you! She's mine!"

Lucca spat. "You? How could you, your married to Marle!"

"I'm leaving that cow!"

Just then Marle came in "Crono I hate you!"

Crono yelled "I hate you too!"

They had invigorating make-up sex.

"I suddenly thought of lemons and I don't know why," the reader said.

"Hold it now" Magus said "The dinner's almost ready!"

"Dinner NOOOO!" Crono said.

"Yes its… TURKEY HAHAHAH!" Magus said.

They had dinner and everyone was invited. Frog and Robo and Flea and Schala and Queen Leene were all sitting together. The Queen and Frog made eyes at each other. "That's gross!" said Crono in between long glances at Lucca.

"Anyone want anything to drink?" Magus said.

"Sure" they all said.

"Lemonade on the house!"

And they all drank some lenomade."

"HEY THIS IS SPIKED OMGZORZ!" Marle said.

"YAY LET"S GET DRUNK! Crono said.

Suddenly the front door burst open and in walked a big burly tough guy with a killer goatee and awesome sunglasses. He scanned the room as if looking for someone.

"Hey, who are you?" the author protested. "I didn't write you in here."

"I'm the Internet police," the tough guy answered in an incredibly cool voice. "This FanFic is officially over."

"WHAT OMGZORZ!" Mar–

"No. No. NO! I forbid you all to speak ever again!" The cool tough guy said. "Everyone get out before I shoot you all." They did.

"HEY WAIT!" The author screamed. "What are you doing?"

The cool tough guy removed his killer sunglasses. "I'm sparing the minds of thousands and thousands of readers… okay, I'm only sparing the minds of three. But potentially thousands and thousands of readers… where was I? Oh yes. This FanFic is horrible. It's gotta go."

"No!" The author screamed again. "This is my story! You can't just barge in here and take over like this!"

"Yes I can. I'm the Internet police. Now get moving or I'll upload a virus into your Microsoft Word documents."

"No, please don't… I have a wife and children, and…"

"Come on, you write for FanFiction. Did you adopt these children?"

"Hey! Cut it out!"

"No… _you_ cut it out. I want you out of this room before I count to ten, or you'll never write a bad FanFic again! 1…"

"I'll do anything, please!"

"2…"

"It's just a FanFic I can do whatever I want come on please don't…"

"10!"

section missing

The burly tough cool awesome dude guy put his sunglasses back on and stepped over the bodies. "My work here is done. Now to the comments section on YouTube! This is gonna be a long day."


End file.

Chrono Trigger, Humor, Parody