Hetalia - Axis Powers 1. Chapter 1

_**There will be mpreg and mentions of self harm and mental disorders. It will be part of the Unexpected series. There will be a Fruk installation as well as a GerIta. The spamano will have 2 parts. I promise spamano part 2 is going to be happy and cute as hell to make up for how dark, sad and angsty this part 1 is going to be. This story's already written for the most part, so expect updates probably Sundays and Wednesdays. The fruk is being published on Tumblr, but I'm waiting to publish it here. Anyway, enjoy!**_

_**Note: When the Vargas family is talking with each other with no one around, they're speaking Italian.**_

Lovino sat on the floor studying for his biochemistry exam when he heard loud voices outside of the apartment door and the key in the lock. His roommate Matthew strolled in with a kind smile, followed by his brother, Alfred, and his friend from work, Antonio. Lovino's breath caught. Antonio looked so good in his black pants and button down shirt, sleeves folded up to his elbows. It accented his tanned skin well. Antonio smiled and winked at Lovino who blushed and narrowed his eyes at the man. Antonio's green eyes sparkled in amusement.

"Hey, Lovi, I hope you don't mind I brought guests over." Matthew stopped and gave a sympathetic look when he saw the books strewn around the living room coffee table. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were studying. Do you need us to leave?" Lovino shrugged and stared back at his books. He wasn't going to kick Matthew out of his own apartment.

"It's up to you. I don't mind. They better not act stupid." He eyed the other two men. Matthew laughed.

"Sorry, Lovino, but that's all these two do."

"Hey!" Alfred protested smacking Matt's arm. Matt rubbed it and glared at him.

"Sorry, kiddo," Antonio said licking his lips, with that stupid crooked smile that always made Lovino's heart race.

"I'm not a kid!" Lovino spat, turning red as he glared down at his books. "Can you just shut up and not be a bastard just this once?"

"No can dosville, baby doll." Antonio smirked. Alfred made kissing noises at Antonio who laughed and kissed Alfred's cheek.

"Dude, not cool!"

Lovino rolled his eyes and went back to studying. He knew he should leave the room, but Antonio was talking to Matt and Alfred, and Lovino loved the sound of the Spaniard's voice. It was smooth and cheerful, with laughter hanging on every word. His slight Spanish accent caused his words to be almost musical. The man often used Spanish words that reminded Lovino of his native tongue of Italian from the similarities. It also gave the Spaniard a certain appeal.

Lovino caught his wandering mind and forced a scowl. God, his voice was annoying! He always sounded so cheerful. What was up with that? How could be that happy all the time? His accent was so stupid and annoying. And he threw Spanish around. Who does that? No, Antonio was so infuriating.

"Will you shut up?" Lovino glared. Antonio winked at him, eliciting another flush of the Italian's face. Lovino let out a shuddering breath.

"Please make me, mi amor," Antonio smiled crookedly at him, his eyes filled with passion and amusement. Lovino once again couldn't breathe.

"I know what that means. Shut the fuck up!" Lovino glared.

"Just one little kiss?" Antonio wiggled his eyebrows. Lovino stared at the man's lips. He wanted to press his against them so badly, but he couldn't. That was wrong. Why did he feel this way about Antonio? Guys didn't like other guys. It was wrong, unnatural.

"Shut up." Lovino managed to choke out.

"Antonio, he has a big test tomorrow. Let's go out instead," Matthew suggested.

"Ah come on, Mattie, I was just playing with him," Matthew sighed and gave in. Lovino glared at his books. Of course Matthew backed down.

Lovino gathered his things and announced he'd be in his room and they better keep quiet. He sat at his desk and sighed. He could barely hear anything now. He opened his books and went back to studying. He had to do well on this test. It was vital to get all A's to get into medical school. After reviewing nine of the ten chapters he was being tested on when he just couldn't take the noise outside his room steadily getting louder. He couldn't deal with this. Not right now. He stood up angrily and stormed to the living room where the three men were sitting. He had just opened his mouth to speak when Antonio stood up and cut him off slyly.

"Lovino, do you want to get a drink?" Antonio smiled up at him from the couch. He opened and closed his mouth several times. Antonio was asking him out! Lovino couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. He felt his face grow hot and mentally cursed himself for being so transparent sometimes. Alfred laughed.

"Oh my god, can you two please just get together already? It's starting to piss me off to be around all this sexual tension!"

Lovino glared at them. They were all so stupid. This had been going on for the past six months and quite frankly, Lovino was getting tired of it. He was not supposed to like boys. Besides if he wanted to be a doctor in six years, he needed to stay focused on school. He could not allow a distraction such as a relationship. He was already feeling stressed by talking to his brother daily. Lovino gave a final glare before going to the kitchen to make food. He needed to calm down before he got any more studying done. He made a cup of coffee before wondering what to have for dinner. He decided to make chicken parmesan and hummed to himself while he cooked. Cooking had always relaxed him.

"You're doing that wrong, Lovinito." Antonio's hot breath against his ear caused the younger man to shiver. He was froze. Antonio's hand wrapped around his hand holding the spoon that Lovino was cooking the sauce in. Antonio led the Lovino's hand in quick, small circles before reaching over with his other hand and dipping it into the sauce. He sucked on his fingers dramatically making a show before Lovino, who was holding his breath. "Muy delicioso, cariño." Antonio slid a hand up the boy's shirt and suddenly Lovino snapped out of it.

"What do you mean I am doing it wrong, you asshole? I am fucking Italian! It's in my damn blood to be able fucking cook! This is a family recipe, I'll have you know! And I…" Antonio pulled the boy to him by the hips. Lovino dropped the spoon, his face burning.

"You what?" He asked softly, winking. Lovino pushed him away.

"Get the fuck off me! You think because you work in a fancy restaurant you know how to cook? Fuck that! You are shitty cook and it's disgusting that you pass of that supposed food as tasteful!" the Italian snapped. Lovino couldn't be around him anymore. He backed up a few steps, still glaring for emphasis.

"Fucking bastard," he muttered before storming to his room. Lovino slammed the door and leaned against it gasping for breath and sliding down. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a shuddering breath. Why did he feel sparks anywhere that that man had touched? Why could be not breathe around him? It was beyond confusing. Lovino shook his head. No. He had a test for tomorrow. He couldn't do this now. He rose to his feet and walked back to his desk rubbing his face before getting back to studying.

He jumped at a knock on his door tore his mind away from the material. He sighed and walked over and ripped the door open. "What the hell…" He froze once more. Antonio smiled at him.

"Hola. You forgot your coffee on the counter. It was getting cold. Also you didn't finish your dinner, so I took the liberty of finishing it and brought it to you." Lovino just stared at him trying to control his breathing. Antonio giggled. "You're so cute, Lovino."

Lovino glared at him. "Fuck you. I'm not fucking cute, dammit. I'm twenty years old. Give me that." He took the coffee and food from the man angrily. "It will probably taste like shit since you made it, but I'm fucking starving so I'll risk my taste buds." He slammed the door with his foot and walked over the desk a small smile danced on his lips.

Antonio had brought him food and coffee! Antonio had thought enough of him to make sure he was eating! He shook the thoughts from his head. No, Antonio did it because he wanted to laugh at him. He was so obvious that everyone knew it. A tear slipped down Lovino's cheek. He was hungry, tired, humiliated, stressed and desperately wanted those lips against his and those arms holding him close.

He sighed and took a bite of his food. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back having to physically restrain himself from moaning at how good it was. He had never had chicken parmesan that was this good before. He ate it slowly savoring every bite and thinking about how he would not mind having Antonio's cooking for the rest of his life. His phone buzzed on the desk. He smiled seeing that it was his little brother.

"Pronto."

"Ciao, fratello!"

"Ciao." Lovino leaned back, eyes closed. "How are you feeling?"

"Still not good." His brother's voice sounded so tired and exhausted.

Lovino chewed his lip. Feliciano had been sick for the past month and a half with what their father thought was just a flu or cold, possibly mono. He couldn't afford to take the boy to the doctor, but recently things seemed to be worse causing Roma to take his youngest to get check out. It worried Lovino. "I'm just so tired, Lovi. I slept all weekend and only woke up for food and using the bathroom and I feel so exhausted. My body just hurts and I want it to stop." Lovino sat forward recognizing that his brother was starting to cry. "Lovi?"

"Si?"

"Lovi, how long are you supposed to have bruises?"

"I…I'm not sure. Not long. Why?"

"I knocked into chair because I was really tired and just felt kind of weak and that was like a month ago and I still have this really big bruise and it hurts a lot. I actually am getting a lot of bruises and I don't know why. I'm really scared, Lovino. This isn't normal sick. I've never been this sick." Lovino felt nervous. He stood up and started pacing.

"Feli?"

"Huh?"

"Let me talk to Papa."

"But Lovino, I want to talk to you." Feli whined. Lovino hugged himself with his free arm.

"I'll talk to you in a minute. It will be really fast. I promise," Lovino said softly.

"Promise?" Feli's voice was shaky, almost desperate.

"I just fucking said I promise," Lovino sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Don't be mean, Lovi!" the boy whimpered.

"I'm not…okay. I'm sorry."

"It's okay!" The sound of his brother's cheerful voice muddled by the exhaustion gave him a bit of reassurance. Whatever this was, Feli had a great attitude and that was half the battle, wasn't it?

"Ciao!"

"Ciao, Papa." Lovino bit at a callous on this thumb. "Papa…how'd the appointment go?" He knew better than to ask his brother. Feli, sixteen, didn't really pay attention to what was said in any medical setting. He was scared of doctors and dentists, so he often let his mind wander. Lovino waited as he assumed his father was going outside of ear shot of Feli.

"They…It doesn't look good, Lovino," Roma sounded tired. "Oh god, if anything happened to either one of you…" the man's voice broke.

"Papa, it's okay. What did they say?" Lovino had been shadowing doctors during his first two years of college, so he felt somewhat familiar when it came to this kind of thing.

"They took some blood…a lot of blood. He needs more tests. They want to do a bone biopsy in the morning. They'll have the results soon. They're not saying what they think it is. God, Lovino, what do you think?"

Ever since Lovino started college, his father and Feli both used him as their own personal doctor which both flattered and annoyed the boy as he didn't know and he wasn't a doctor.

"Just be patient. I'm sure they'll come to a conclusion and he'll be fine," Lovino tried to reassure his father. "Please just keep me updated."

"I will. Lovino, I don't know what to do. He's been unable to go to school and I don't know…" Roma took a shuddering breath. "Lovi…I am so proud of you, do you hear me? You make me so proud. You got that full ride and you're in your third year of undergrad. You'll be a doctor in no time." Lovino smiled and looked at the ground. "I can't wait until that day when I can see you up there in your white coat after everything. You can make things like this make sense."

"Papa…"

"No, don't say anything. I love you so much, Lovino. You have no idea how much I love you. I am so blessed to have you and Feliciano."

Lovino was unnerved by his father's sudden outburst of feelings. He never spoke like this. He must be worried. Lovino felt his heart pounding in his chest.

"I love you too," Lovino whispered.

Roma gave the phone back to Feli without warning. Lovino talked to his little brother for the next hour. The two were truly the other's best friend. Lovino going to school so far away made things difficult, but the boys managed to stay in contact. Lovino laughed and smiled throughout the conversation as Feliciano told him about all the funny things he had seen on TV that day since had to stay home from school. He talked to him about not being able to pay attention in class because he was so tired and almost passing out in gym. Lovino listened offering advice and comments when needed, but Feliciano was able to take up the majority of the conversation. It seemed too soon when Feliciano was too tired to talk and they bid each other good night. Lovino lay on his bed holding his phone against his chest. Feli had to be okay.

"Lovino, you have to come with us!" Alfred insisted as he burst into Lovino's room.

"What the fuck?" Lovino sat up and listened to Alfred tell him a crazy idea about going to clubs to see who could get the most phone numbers. Lovino rolled his eyes and noticed Antonio leaning in the doorway in a carefree manner as he smirked at Lovino and winked at him. Lovino focused his eyes on Alfred.

"That sounds like a stupid idea. Beside, idiota, I have an exam tomorrow."

"You're not studying, dude." Lovino glared at him.

"How are you and Matt even in grad school? You never study! You just run around with your perverted old coworker."

"Just one minute, I am not old!" Antonio stood up. "I am twenty-six."

"Whatever," Lovino muttered looked away.

"I bet you only want one phone number anyway, don't you?" Lovino skin burned. "Here."

He glanced over to see Antonio now inches from his face with that stupid smile and annoying eyes. Lovino couldn't help but breathe the man in. Antonio smelled good, like some sort of cologne. Antonio was holding a card to the boy between if two forefingers. "For you, mi amor."

Lovino pulled himself together taking the card and ripping it apart before throwing it in Antonio's face.

"Leave me alone, both of you. I'm going to shower and go to sleep."

He pushed past both of them and left the room to shower before curling up in bed. The last thing to enter his thoughts was Antonio's smiling face. "Bastard," he muttered before escaping into his dreams.

**_Well there you have it. I hope you liked it. Please leave a review whether you did or not to let me know know what to revise since most of it is written._**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Big thanks to my awesome friend mystrothedefender for editing this for me.**_

_**This song is what I named this fic after. I mean to link it in the first chapter. It pretty much explains Lovino in this fic. **_

_**/watch?v=JBf7uh8jYfw**_

* * *

Lovino was typing up a paper for his literature course when the notification that his test score was in popped up in the lower right hand corner of his screen. He crossed himself out of an old habit before closing his eyes and praying that he did well as he clicked on it, holding his breath. He almost squealed with happiness when he saw he had received an almost perfect score. He couldn't wait to tell Feli. His brother was one of his biggest supporters and always was happy to hear good news.

Lovino almost skipped to the kitchen to grab some food before calling Feli. He danced around happily as he heated up leftover pasta and poured a cup of water before scarfing it down. Nothing could kill his mood. And to top it off, Matthew was out so he had the whole apartment to himself. He hummed to himself as he walked over to lie on the couch and dialed home. Feliciano answered.

"Pronto…"

Lovino was so excited, he didn't even register that his brother had sobbed the answer.

"Feli, you'll never believe it! I almost go a perfect score on my exam! I was so worried. Biochemistry is supposed to be so fucking hard, and I aced it!"

"That..That's great," Feliciano whimpered. Lovino had never heard his brother sound so upset. He sat up, his heart racing.

"What is it, Feli?" his voice softer, filled with concern.

"I…Well…Um…" the boy's voice broke.

Lovino panicked as his brother burst into sobs on the other end of the line. Tears welled in his eyes. He hugged his knees to his chest, preparing himself for the worst.

"Feli…" Lovino's voice desperate and pleading.

"I got my results back and…well all the tests say the same thing. I'm really, really, really sick."

"What…what is it?" Lovino's mouth was dry. He brushed back in hair in desperation to know what was wrong.

"I have leukemia, AML. It's stage three." Feli broke into sobs. "I don't want to die, Lovino! I'm so scared and I can't…How is Papa going to afford it? We barely have enough as it is."

Lovino swallowed. "We'll work something out. We always do. Don't worry about money, okay? Just focus on getting better." Lovino was impressed at how well he was able to keep himself together. His body was trembling, threatening to shatter. He spent the next thirty minutes listening as Feliciano explained to him when he started treatment and what they had told him to expect. He was scheduled for mediport surgery in a week and his first round of chemo in two. Lovino's heart ached knowing that the only reason he was able to remember everything was because Feliciano was scared out of his mind. When Feli got too tired to talk, Lovino spent a while speaking to his father.

When they finally hung up, Lovino was left with his thoughts and fears. The silence seemed deafening. Feli couldn't be sick. He knew his little brother was scared and he just wanted desperately to go home and hug him and talk to him. The only problem was that he couldn't leave. He couldn't miss classes. If he missed classes, he risked failing and failure would mean no med school which meant that he could never help his family. He pictured a hairless Feli sick, lying in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere. The thought sent pain through him and he a sob escaped his mouth. He gave in to them as they wracked his body. He cursed himself for insisting on moving for school. He should have stayed at home. He shouldn't have moved almost an hour away. He had to leave now, he had–

A knock caused him to freeze. Who could that be? He glared at the door and willed the person to leave. It wasn't Matthew, so it wasn't important. He laid against the couch hyperventilating. Again a knock. He continued to ignore it until the voice behind it said, "I know you're home!" Lovino sighed and stood up brushing the tears off his face ready to scream at whatever asshole was at the door.

"¡Hola! I knew you were home!" Antonio smiled before seeing the tears on Lovino's face.

"Matt's not home. Go find someone else to annoy." He went to slam the door in the man's face only to have it stopped. Antonio's face was full of concern. He took the younger man's face in his hands.

"What's wrong?"

"Fuck you! Leave me alone." Lovino slapped his hands away, trying his best to give a stern glare.

"I don't think you should be alone. When is Matt getting home?"

"I don't…I don't know," Lovino whispered through his tears. Antonio stood waiting for him to say something more. When he said nothing, Antonio pulled him into a tight hug. Lovino didn't even try to pull away. He melted into Antonio and sobbed into his chest.

"May I come in?" Antonio asked when Lovino had stopped crying. Lovino nodded and led the man inside. Antonio sat down on the couch and stared at the youth. "Come here," he said sweetly. Lovino hesitated, contemplating. The idea of Antonio comforting him seemed so inviting, but he couldn't give in. His father had warned him about these kinds of feelings. What could it hurt? Lovino sat down next to Antonio.

"My little brother has cancer," Lovino almost whispered. "He's the best fucking friend I have and he's got cancer. He's the only person I can talk to."

"I'm so sorry. I'm sure he'll be okay," Antonio gasped, his green eyes wide. His brow wrinkled as he stared at Lovino, empathy written over his features.

"How? How can you be so sure?" Lovino blinked back the tears.

"I just have these intuitions. So how's about we drink some wine to calm your nerves and you can tell me everything." The Spaniard seemed to have snapped out of his initial shock since his voice was cheerful and less horrified. Lovino agreed and the two passed the bottle back and forth as Lovino spilled his guts out to Antonio. Soon Antonio had the idea to take shots of pinnacle since he loved it and Lovino had never tried it.

Lovino watched as Antonio poured his shot back. He couldn't help, but think of how beautiful Antonio was. Antonio would make his chaotic, rough road of life seem worth it, after all Antonio never seemed to having anything hard in life. A bit of the pinnacle on Antonio's lips shimmered in the light. Lovino sat on his knees and took Antonio's face in his. "You spilled some alcohol. The rules say lick it," and with a shy giggle into Antonio's shoulder, Lovino pressed his lips to Antonio's awkwardly causing their noses to hit. "Shit!" Lovino blushed and let out a groan.

"Turn your head like so." Antonio said softly, turning his head just slightly. "You haven't had enough to be drunk yet. You should remember these things." Antonio's voice dripped with amusement. Lovino's cheeks were on fire. He had never done this with anyone before and he was messing up his first kiss. He smiled and tried again only to smash their teeth together.

"Fuck. I'm sorry. You must think I'm an idiot." Tears welled in Lovino's eyes. Antonio took Lovino's face in his hands and smiled, staring at the boy in his lap.

"Lovi, have you kissed someone before?" Lovino's face fell from embarrassment. He was twenty years old and had never been kissed. He was never attracted to any of the girls he was friends with who would flirt with him. It had been so confusing for him to see guys who he liked the way he was supposed to like girls, so he would just lash out at any guy who tried to speak to him. Besides, he was far too busy with school and making straight A's and working and being involved in extracurriculars so he could get a scholarship for college. There was never time for Lovino to have a first kiss.

"O-of course I have!" Lovino tried to sound indignant. Antonio's eyes softened. "I'm twenty years old. You think I haven't kissed someone before? I've kissed loads of people." Antonio laughed. "What the hell are you laughing at, you bastard?"

"You haven't, have you? Oh my god, Lovino! You're cuter than I thought. Oh wow. So I'm guessing you're still a…" Lovino's heart pounded as his cheeks continued to burn. Antonio motioned his hand along Lovino's body.

"Don't laugh at me! I didn't have time to do stupid stuff like kiss and fuck!" Antonio smirked and pinched Lovino's cheek.

"Lovinito, you are too precious. God, this is why I love you." Lovino froze. Antonio loved him? He felt the shock dissipate to be replaced by giddiness. He covered his mouth with both hands to hide his smile. "Don't cover your smile, mi amor. It's so beautiful. Luckily for you I _have_ kissed quite a few people and have been around the block several times, so I know what I'm doing. This will be so good for you, Lovi." Lovino's stomach dropped. Did that mean…what he thought it meant? Was Antonio really going to make love to him? His body tingled with excitement.

"Okay." Lovino breathed. Antonio laughed again and took Lovino's face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs along the boy's cheeks.

"Oh Lovino, you are so cute and innocent." He slowly brushed his lips against Lovino's causing the man to close his eyes and hold his breath. Antonio brushed their lips again before pressing them together. He ran his tongue over Lovino's lips and Lovino parted them to allow Antonio to enter his mouth. He felt a tightness start in his pants as Antonio continued to kiss him. Lovino ran his fingers through Antonio's hair and he felt the older man's hand travel down his back then under his shirt and up his sides where they ran up and down his bare flesh eliciting a shiver from Lovino. He pulled away slightly only to have Antonio pull him into his lap and hold him closer as their tongues mingled. Antonio pulled away.

"So? How was your first kiss?' His green eyes sparkled and he laughed seeing the sleepy look on Lovino's face. Antonio took the look to mean the boy had enjoyed the kiss. "Don't go to sleep yet! We're just getting started. I promise that you'll love this. I'll make your forget the world." He winked and stared at Lovino.

"What are you waiting for?" Lovino asked giggling again before straddling him.

Antonio could not believe that Lovino was opening up. He'd seen flickers of the boy's affections, but it was always masked with insults and glares. He liked it. He kissed him back and pulled him closer to him, sliding his hands into Lovino's pants and massaging the flesh by the handful. Lovino's breath quickened and he pulled away from the kiss, burying his head in Antonio's shoulder. Antonio chuckled and slowly parted the cheeks before slipping a finger between them to tease at the younger man's entrance. He pressed the pad of his finger to the hole and pulled back repeated causing Lovino to squirm. Antonio smiled.

"Let's take this to your room, shall we? We don't want Matt coming home and interrupting." Lovino giggled and nodded. Antonio stood up, holding the smaller man and took to him the room. He laid him back on the bed and crawled on top of him, lowering his body to rest on him. Lovino's breathing was ragged. Antonio smiled and brushed his lips against Lovino's. They laid like this, just kissing gently before Lovino broke away and pushed Antonio off of him. He was trembling as he pulled his shirt off, not breaking eye contact. Then he pulled off Antonio's. Antonio was shocked when trembling hands touched his bare skin and small kisses trailed around the outline of his muscles down, down. Lovino sat up and fumbled with Antonio's pants, but his hands were too shaky to unbutton them. Antonio sat up and took Lovino's hands.

"Allow me," he said flirtatiously with a wink. He unbuttoned both his and Lovino's pants and slipped them off. Lovino's heart was racing and his hands were trembling as he pushed Antonio back and kissed the inside of his thighs before pulling off the man's boxers. He stared at the erection that came up to meet him. His eyes widened and he looked up at Antonio with big eyes watching him, panting. "You don't have to," he said softly, sensing Lovino's uncertainty.

"No. I…I want to. I just…I've never…um…shut the hell up!" Antonio laughed and watched as the man lowered himself down. "Tell me what to do if I do it wrong," he said quietly.

"Let me know show you and you can do it next time." Antonio smirked, pinning Lovino down before he even had a chance to think. Lovino squirmed, his breathing fast. Antonio laid on him and kissed him a few time before going to his neck, suckling and leaving several marks. He kisses down Lovino's chest before running his tongue in circles around the nipple before covering it with his mouth. Lovino gasped and felt a pulsating in his pelvis. The younger's eyes widen from the pleasantness of it all and the amount of tension in his body. Antonio loved the faces Lovino was making as he felt sensations he never had before. He trailed down Lovino's chest and kept kissing downward. Lovino watched him with wide eyes. His body was so alive with want. He could barely breathe. Antonio nipped at Lovino's bellybutton and licked around it, pushing the man's boxer's down and palming him as he did so. Lovino let out a moan. Further and further before he met Lovino's penis. He kissed the tip ever so gently as he ran a finger down the shaft. Lovino whimpered as Antonio slowly trailed kisses downward. He nipped the inside of his thighs causing Lovino to whimper again.

"God, Toni, please. Holy fuck." Antonio winked at him and Lovino stomach dropped Antonio sat up and took Lovino's hands slowly raised them to be over Lovino's head.

"Stay like this. Don't touch me." Lovino nodded, biting his lip. Antonio smiled that smile that drove Lovino crazy. Lovino gasped suddenly Antonio's mouth was around him.

"Oh god…Toni!" Antonio sucked hard as he ran his tongue over him. He took his time with the Lovino squirming and cursing and moaning all the while until Lovino came in his mouth. The boy was gasping for air as Antonio swallowed and kissed him. "Oh shit…that…oh god."

Antonio suddenly stuck three fingers into Lovino's mouth and instructed him to suck. Lovino was confused, but did was he was told. After they were fully coated Antonio removed them. He spread Lovino's legs and positioned himself between them before he leaned down and kissed Lovino to keep him from speaking. He inserted his middle finger into the man's entrance. Lovino squirmed at the discomfort. Antonio moved the finger back and forth before adding another, eliciting multiple whimpers from the boy underneath him. He began scissoring in every direction possible before inserting the last one. Lovino gripped Antonio tightly as he continued to stretch out the boy. Antonio pulled out and held his face inches from Lovino's lips.

"This is going to be so good for you. I promise," he whispered, kissing him. He sat back and tore open a condom and slid it on only to have it rip. "Shit. Um…Lovi, do you happen to have condoms? My last one just broke. I really didn't plan this. I didn't come prepared."

"What do you think?" Antonio chuckled.

"Alright then, um…I'll get one from Matt's room."

"He locks the door." Antonio bit his lip.

"I'll run to the convenience store."

"No. Just fuck me, please! I can't take the tension anymore!" Lovino begged.

"I don't have a condom, Lovino." Antonio stated firmly.

"I don't care. Just fuck me! Now! Oh god…I can't take this anymore. You better not have anything, you fucking bastard!" Antonio thought about it. He didn't have anything and Lovino was a virgin. "Please, Antonio!" Lovino continued to plead in desperation while Antonio thought more.

"Fine." Antonio poured lube into his hand and coated his shaft before positioning himself at the man's hole. "Take a deep breath and relax." Antonio slowly inserted the tip and continued to push in slowly.

"Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Shit! Fuck! Holy…" Lovino held his fist to his mouth, biting down on his thumb as he squirmed. Tears welled in his eyes. He didn't think this was going to be worth the pain. "Fuck me. Oh god. Motherfucker!" Antonio stopped pushing in and Lovino looked at him. Antonio was staring at him with gentle eyes. He gently lived a hand and brushed his tears away.

"I'm in. Are you okay?" he asked softly. Lovino nodded. "I'm going to move now. It will probably be uncomfortable at first and maybe painful, but it'll pass." He brushed Lovino's hair back and kissed him before pulling back so that just the head remained inside him before thrusting in. He repeated this motion as Lovino cursed underneath him as he gripped the sheets in pain. _What was I thinking? _

"God, it hurts," Lovino whimpered.

"I know. It'll pass," Antonio reassured. Antonio hit something and Lovino let out a moan. Antonio smiled. He found the sweet spot. Antonio quickened his pace and hitting Lovino's prostate over and over.

"Feels…shit, oh shit, Antonio, feels so good!" Lovino gasped out arching his back. Why had he been denying this? This was the best feeling in the world. Antonio smirked down continuing to increase in speed and force. Lovino was moaning and cursing and screaming Antonio's name by the time the Italian came. Antonio buried himself deep in him and came inside. He pulled out causing Lovino to gasp at the sudden emptiness. Antonio kissed him. "So how was your first time, mi amor?"

"Perfect. Absolutely perfect," Lovino mumbled struggling to keep his eyes open

"I am from Spain, the land of passion," Antonio winked brushing their lips once again. Lovino even smiled, causing joy to go through Antonio's heart.

"Shut up, bastard." Lovino snuggled into Antonio's chest and closed his eyes. Antonio wrapped him in warm arms. He had taken his love's virginity and it had been the most perfect night of his life. Lovino allowed him in finally after so long and so many attempts to break down his walls. Antonio breathed in the smell of Lovino before closing his eyes as well.

* * *

**_Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment!_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**I decided to do two updates this weekend since I missed the update schedule for Thursday. **_

**_Oh I also wanted to mention that there will be ooc moments in this fic. I have a headcanon that when Lovino is in private and feels comfortable with someone, he's pretty open. Later on there will be some pretty dark Antonio ooc moments, but we all know that the characters all have dark sides. I just wanted you to be aware that the ooc moments are intentional for the plot of this fic, but they go along with sides that aren't really explored much in canon, so I'm using headcanons. Please feel free to point anything out that you disagree with._**

* * *

Lovino woke the next morning to a strange sensation of slight throbbing with a tinge of pain. He opened his eyes and blinked as the bright lights caused his eyes to ache. _Why the fuck am I naked?_ He wondered sitting up. He inhaled sharply as a pain shot up his spine. _What the fuck?_ His head was pounding. He tried to think. He had talked to Feli…Feli had cancer. The memory caused his stomach to drop. What happened after he got off the phone? Antonio had come over and they drank. Lovino didn't realize he drank so much. He couldn't remember what had happened. He remembered nothing after Antonio pulled out the pinnacle. He pulled his boxers on nervously and stood up, another pain. He went to fix up the bed and saw that they were twisted and pulled off the mattress. _What…_

"Buenos dias, mi amor!" Lovino froze as Antonio came out of his bathroom in only his boxers. He walked over to Lovino and wrapped his arms around him, gently kissing him. Lovino's head was spinning. His heart was pounding. Panic was setting in as tears threatened his eyes and a lump rose in his stomach.

"What…what happened?" Lovino whispered. "Antonio…did…did…" He couldn't finish his sentence. Antonio's smiling face fell.

"You don't remember?" Lovino shook his head, blinking frantically as tears blurred his vision. "Shit…Lovi, I didn't know you were drunk. I'm…Fuck." Antonio ran a hand through his hair. "I swear to god, I didn't know you were drunk. You didn't drink that much and you weren't acting…" Lovino shook his head.

"What happened?" He repeated softly, almost pleading.

"We…we were drinking and you started trying to kiss me and I thought…I thought you were ready to open up to me. I didn't know…I…" Antonio shook his head. "I just love you so much."

"No. Fuck Antonio, what happened?" Lovino was trembling.

"We kissed and then came back in here and fucked." Lovino's knees gave out and he fell on the bed sobbing. "Don't cry, Lovi. Please. It was just sex. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, I love you, but if you don't…"

"NOT A BIG DEAL? NOT A BIG DEAL?" Lovino was trembling and started throwing anything he could get his hands on at Antonio. "I HATE YOU!" Antonio grabbed Lovino's wrists to restrain him.

"Lovino, calm down! I'm sorry that I upset you. It's just that sex is a natural act and it's normal to have feelings and attractions. Sex isn't a big deal."

"You took my virginity, you bastard. You took it and I…I…I can never get it back! I don't even remember it! That was fucking important to me!" Lovino willed himself to shut up, but the words just kept flowing like the tears down his face and he couldn't stop it if he wanted to. "I have thought for so long how it would be and I never had anyone there until I met you! And then it was you! And you just fucking…you fucking ruin everything. It was supposed to perfect. It was supposed to be exciting and electrifying and beautiful and you ruined it!"

"Lovi…we can do it over." Antonio smiled taking his face in his hands.

"Who…who says I want to have sex with you? Who says I like you?" Lovino blushed hard causing Antonio's face to soften.

"You did." Antonio kissed him and waited for it to be returned. Slowly, hesitantly, Lovino placed one hand on the Spaniard's chest and the other behind his necked and pressed his lips against his. Antonio felt the boy tremble.

Lovino couldn't believe he was doing this. He was actually doing this. It made it easier that it had already happened, regardless of if he remembered or not. He was tired of putting up the wall. He wanted to just give in and that was what he was going to do. It felt good to kiss Antonio, to finally feel his body pressed against him. Antonio pulled back and announced he was going to get a condom from Matt. Lovino followed him as far as the doorway. He heard Alfred's loud, obnoxious voice congratulating Antonio.

"Dude, we came home and all we hear is Lovino screaming your name. It was so awesome. Like Matt and I looked at each other and we were, fucking finally! So how was it?" Lovino felt sick. So even Alfred and Matt were aware of his lost virginity. Why was it every one besides him? Hot tears filled his eyes and he shut the door softly. Antonio appeared a moment later and smiled at him holding up a pack of condoms.

"Life savers. Lovi, are you okay?" Lovino shrugged.

"Everyone knows but me."

"That's why we do it again. I'll make it better. You probably won't have pain this time." He grinned at Lovino who narrowed his eyes.

"That's part of the experience, idiota." Antonio smirked.

"It might hurt." And with that Antonio tried his best to replicate the night before. It wasn't working. Lovino was too tense. It was as though he were afraid to touch him. Antonio wished Lovino could remember and hoped his fog would rise to remember the shared touches, the nervous glances. This just felt awkward.

Lovino wanted to cry of humiliation. He was so awkward. He accidently ended up elbowing Antonio in the nose. He kept apologizing. Everything was going wrong. Antonio kept telling him to relax, to trust him. His body just would not cooperate. He had tears in his eyes by the time Antonio was ready to start stretching him.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked softly, kissing away the tears.

"Everything is wrong. This isn't how I pictured it."

"It never is." Antonio kissed him gently. "But do you want me inside you making you feel good?" Lovino nodded. "Just let me do everything. I know what I'm doing." He laid back and by the end, everything was alright. He was gasping for breath and amazed by how good it felt. When Antonio collapsed next to him, he was still panting. Lovino curled into him and kissed him.

"We can't be together," Lovino said after a moment. Antonio looked down at the man lying in his arms.

"What?"

"I can't have distractions if I want to be doctor. I need to just power through."

"So…this was more a one night, er, morning thing?" Antonio asked. Lovino stared at him. Why did Antonio look at him like that? His eyes were filled with shock and hurt, but amusement as well.

"I'm not that kind of guy, Toni. Don't be ridiculous. I want you, but this can't be anything serious. I need you to know that. You aren't going to be a priority. My number one is school. I need to be a doctor. And my brother has cancer. I…I can't fully invest in a relationship." Those words were so hard to say. This was the reason he had been saving himself. The timing was so wrong. If he hadn't gotten drunk…If only Matt hadn't been out. He wasn't the type of person to do this. This was so wrong. Everything was so wrong. Antonio was running his hands down Lovino's side.

"If…If you want to keep doing this, I won't be with anyone else." Lovino looked up at the man. "I love you, Lovino Vargas. You are the most strong-willed, cute, innocent, funny, fiery, sassy, intelligent, kind hearted person I have ever met in my life and you are wise years beyond your age. I'd wait for you."

Lovino stared at Antonio. Antonio would wait for him. They had only known each for six months and the whole time consisted of Antonio flirting and Lovino lashing out at him. It didn't make sense. He didn't let himself be open around Antonio, so how could Antonio possibly know anything about him? He didn't understand how Antonio could love him without knowing him. He brushed away his thoughts. It wasn't good to think so logically. Antonio would wait for him and that was all he'd ever wanted to hear. Lovino kissed Antonio and was surprised that he hadn't been so awkward with it.

Antonio smiled at him. He ran his thumb up and down Lovino's cheek. His eyes were soft as he looked at the younger man. The look caused Lovino's heart fluttered and his stomach knotted.

"God, you're perfect," Antonio smiled before getting up. "Go take a shower, amor. I'm going to make lunch for us."

The man crawled over Lovino and pulled on a pair of jeans before walking out of the room. Lovino couldn't help be stare at his muscular frame. What the hell had he done? He'd given in and this was the beginning of the end of everything. He knew it. He could feel something wrong. But he couldn't worry about that now. He had class in two hours.

* * *

Lovino walked nervously through campus to his class. He hadn't known that having sex would feel like this after. Antonio had assured him it was normal in the beginning to feel sore and that he would feel it until he got used to it. Antonio had smirked when he said the more they did it, the easier it'd be on him. Lovino wasn't sure if he believed him or not, but he sure did want to do it more. It felt _so _good. He remembered the sensations and shivered slightly. He glanced around him paranoid that people were seeing him wincing slightly and limping as he walked slowly.

He got to his classroom, relieved that he would no longer be stared at. A guy next to him glanced over when he gasped and winced as he sat down a little too forcefully. He ran a hand over his face before brushing his hair aside and pulling out his laptop and textbook for notes and references. He inhaled sharply a few times as he moved and tried his best to find a position most comfortable to sit. He ignored his classmate staring at him.

"Are you okay, dude?" the guy asked softly.

"Um, uh, yes," he choke out. "Leave me the fuck alone. I'm here to learn."

The student chuckled and shook his head a little before ripping a sheet of paper out of his notebook and writing on it. Lovino opened his notes document and the lecture slides, arranging them to be on either side of the screen. Suddenly the young man slid the piece of paper to him.

"_Too much sex last night? ;)"_ it read.

Lovino stared in embarassed horror before writing back. He knew he was deep red at this point.

"_What the fuck? That's a bit too personal for someone to ask."_

"_So that's a yes."_

"_Shut the fuck up! I didn't say anything!"_

"_You didn't deny it, Lovino."_

"_How the fuck do you know my name?"_

"_We've had classes together the last three years dumbass."_

"_So? We're not friends. I'm here to learn, not make friends."_

"_I take it you're premed from that competitive attitude. So I wonder why you're so embarassed by something as natural as sex."_

"_It's none of your 's why."_

"_Oh come on. It's so obvious. What? Did you and your boyfriend stay up all night fucking your brains out?"_

"_I don't have a boyfriend…"_

"_Then a random stranger. Nothing wrong with the occassional hookup."_

"_He's not a stranger."_

"_So you admit it!"_

"_Fuck...Okay, yes. I got fucked. Now will you leave me alone? Please?"_

Lovino was relieved when the piece of paper wasn't passed back to him. He listened to the lecture intently, frantically typing his notes, bolding and highlighting his powerpoints, flipping through the pages his textbook and highlighting areas in green that the professor mentioned. He had a system where he would read the assigned reading and highlight the vocabulary in blue, the things he found important in yellow, things he had a question about in orange with the question written next to it, and anything mentioned in detail by the professor in green. It had been working well. He would go back through and highlight in notes on his computer in the same fashion.

Class was dismissed. He sighed and decided he should go see his brother. He knew Feliciano shouldn't be home alone and their father probably hadn't stayed home or taken off to be there when Feli got home from school. He figured he'd keep him company and cook. He planned on coming out to his brother. That should be the first person he told. He didn't care that Matthew and Alfred had heard him having sex twice or that Antonio had been inside him. Nobody knew he was gay. They just knew that he got rather nervous around this man and they had sex. It didn't mean he was gay, dammit!

"Lovino!" a voice called as he was leaving the classroom.

Lovino stopped and turned around. He never talked to people in his class. He saw the smiling face of his classmate hurrying toward him. He rolled his eyes and started walking. He didn't care to talk to _anyone,_ particularly nosey people like him. He couldn't even remember the guy's name. He had made a point not to. Even after having done prestation projects, he made a point to keep it only business. He wouldn't have even been friends with Matt had Matt not been so kind to him when he came into the tutoring center frazzled over the first day of courses.

"Lovino, you dropped something!" the voice called.

Lovino stopped and turned around slowly with a glare. He wasn't going to take a chance on losing something important because he didn't want to talk to this asshole. It could have been anything. He crossed his arms and huffed annoyed as the man approached.

"Well?" Lovino snapped.

"You didn't drop anything. I just wanted to talk to you. Okay, so like tell me about it. I bet it was rough and hard and oh god, you must have had so much," he smirked.

Lovino's jaw dropped and his cheeks burned. He went back to glaring. He couldn't believe this guy! He turned around and started walking again.

"Lovino!" the kid chased after him.

Lovino felt his blood pressure rising. He spun around and grabbed the guy by the front of his shirt as tears filled his eyes.

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but we are not friends. I do not fucking make friends. I have my best friend and my brother and they are the only damn friends I need. My sex life is none of your business, so leave me the fuck alone, you asshole." Lovino pushed the boy back and started walking again, brushing the tears of embarassment of off his cheeks.

"Dude, did that guy leave something up your ass because it sure seems you have a stick stuck up there."

"Look, you little shit, for your information no. I am not particularly proud of what happened and I don't want to fucking talking about. I told you, I don't make friends."

"I can see why…" the guy said,giving Lovino a disgusted look as he looked him up and down.

"Because people are fucking dicks." Lovino glared and stopped as the guy's face softened in understanding.

"Look, dude, I'm sorry. I got a hard time too growing up. It's cool. We're not high school. We're in college. I'm not trying to make friends either. I just have to know! I'm horny as shit and I've been under a dry spell. So like tell me about it?"

"I don't even remember," he muttered.

"That bad, huh? Ugh, don't you just hate it when the guy is bad?"

"Well...he was good, not that I have anything to compare it to."

"Wait...no. Your first time?" The guy threw his head back and laughed. "Wooow."

"Shut the fuck up. I told you I didn't want to talk about it and you're prying it out of me. I don't like it!" Lovino hissed.

"Okay…"

Thankful to finally get rid of the annoying classmate, Lovino hopped in his car and drove home. The drive was peaceful. He could think about things. The man glanced at the clock. Feli should definitely be home by the time he got there.

He pulled up to the small shack-like house he had grown up in with the well maintained yard. There were many flowers growing in front of a rosebush that their mother had planted before she had died. He and Feliciano had kept it alive through the years. The white paint was still chipping off and appeared very dirty. He grabbed his bag and locked the door before walking up the creaking wooden steps to the screen door. He used his key to open the front door that was in the same condition as the rest of the house. He was greeted by strangely familiar sounds coming from Felicano's bedroom though he couldn't place it.

"Feliciano, I'm home!" Lovino called.

"Hold on!" Feliciano called. Lovino rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He heard the door open a few minutes later. He glanced over to see his brother pulling away from an embrace with the girl who walked out the door.

Feliciano skipped over and hugged his brother tightly, a grin on his face. His hair was out of place, but Lovino shrugged it off. He leaned against the counter and as he drank the water.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend," Lovino muttered.

"I don't," Feliciano giggled, shaking his head. "No, that was my friend Dara. She came over to talk because I wanted to tell all my friends individually about my diagnosis. That way if they cry, they're not embarassed. See when you came in we were, um, we were crying." Feliciano said a little too quickly as he looked around the kitchen.

"Well that's nice of you. How are you holding up?"

"Papa and I stayed up half the night talking and crying, but you know I think I'll be okay. I mean I am scared, but I'm strangely calm. I'm just planning on meeting with as many friends as possible in these next couple weeks before I start treatment," Feliciano said in an odd tone of voice. "But enough of that, let's talk in the living room, okay?"

"Yeah. I actually have something I want to talk to you about."

"Ooh fun!" Feli giggled and skipped out of the room.

Lovino smiled shaking his head. His brother would be okay. He loved that even in a storm Feliciano could be happy. He set his water on the counter and walked into the living room. Feliciano was already sitting on the couch waiting when Lovi entered. His eyes got wide as a grin formed on his face. Lovino gave him a confused look and sat down, inhaling sharply as he did so. He really needed to learn to be more gentle.

"YOU GOT LAID! YOU DID IT! YOU HAD SEX!" Feli exclaimed as he put his hands on his cheeks.

"Fuck, Feli. Calm down will you? It's not like I won the goddamn lottery. I just kind of, maybe, well I did lose my virginity last night," Lovino mumbled.

"Wait...hold up...you were a virgin?"

"Yes. I told you this multiple times, idiot."

"Well, yeah, but I didn't think you were serious…" Feli smirked.

"I was. Feli, I'm-"

"Is he cute? What's his name? How long have you been together? Can I meet him?"

"...gay. How did you know?" Lovino finished narrowing his eyes at his little brother as a blush spread across his cheeks.

"If you had sex with a girl you would be walking like that nor would you be in pain when you plop down," Feli smired. "Plus I've known since you were fifteen and I asked if you the rumors were true and you told me to leave you alone. Like I had asked you so many times, but you always got mad and denied and that day you didn't deny it. Answer my questions!" Feliciano was practically bouncing.

"He is sooo cute! Very handsome. He's Spaniard. Curly dark brown hair, green eyes, slightly tan skin, ripped as fuck. His name is Antonio. He's a chef. You can meet him later. We're not technically together…" Lovino glanced up at the last sentence nervously. "Don't judge me. I'm not a whore. I just can't have a relationship right now. I need to focus on school and I need to get you and Papa out of this shithole. We're exclusive though. I'm not going to fuck anyone else and he's not going to be with anyone else either. I really like him."

"I don't think that you are," Feli smiled.

"Okay. Ugh, how am I supposed to sit with Papa in Mass and not take communion?" Lovino buried his face in his hands and groaned.

"Either tell him you missed confession or do it anyway."

"Feliciano, you can't just do it anyway!"

"You're not supposed to be having gay sex, but you are. Chill out. We were raised in a church that told us how forgiving God is, not that mean stuff they say on TV. You could always go to a different service. Just say your work schedule changed. Papa can only go to the early service."

"Feli…"

"Then let him question you," Feli grinned.

"No fucking way," Lovino breathed. Feliciano laughed and snuggled into his brother.

* * *

**_Please review!_**


	4. Chapter 4

Later that night Lovino was laying in his room thinking. There was no use denying it any longer. All the confusion he had experienced his entire life was finally answered. He was gay and there was nothing wrong with that. His love (if that's what it was) for Antonio was beautiful. How could love be wrong? He thought back to what his father had always said about it being unnatural and wrong, but how could it be wrong? Roma encouraged Lovino and Feliciano to both go out and pick up girls. All Lovino wanted was one man; one beautiful, sweet, kind man. He felt that his feet were finally on solid ground.

He stood up with a smile feeling so light. He needed to say it out loud to someone other than Feliciano. The thought brought a twisting in his stomach and heat rushing all over his body. Matthew already knew he was struggling…but then again, what if he reacted badly? No, he had to tell him. They were best friends.

He strolled out of his room and found Matthew sitting on the couch watching TV. Lovino plopped down next to him and sighed, glancing sideways at his best friend. Matthew glanced at him for a moment and then back to the TV. Lovino rolled his eyes and sighed louder. Matthew looked at him and waited. After Lovino didn't say anything, he turned back to watching TV. Lovino felt hurt and annoyed. He jumped up, fists balled.

"You suck! You're not even going to ask me what's wrong? You're supposed to be my best fucking friend!"

"Don't be passive aggressive, Lovi," Matt said with a sigh as he turned off the TV. "If you want to talk to me, just tell me." Lovino rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"You were watching TV. That's rude to just interrupt." Matt chuckled and turned to face Lovino.

"Okay, so what do you want to talk to me about?" Lovino felt his heart pounding in his chest. He could do this. He could. The rising fear and anxiety building in him was overwhelming.

"Um…," he tried to swallow the lump in his throat, "I…"

"It's okay, Lovino," Matthew smiled at his best friend.

Tears filled Lovino's eyes. What if Matt turned on him? What if he lost his best friend? What if he was kicked out? The thoughts raced the boy's head. He opened his mouth and closed it. He stared at Matthew who was politely smiling and watching him. "I, um, I think…Mattie, I'm gay."

Matthew smiled. "Of course you are." _You were getting screwed twice in a span of hours and you sounded like you enjoyed it._

"What?" Lovino stared at Matt squeezing himself tighter still and blinking away tears.

Matthew stood and went over to Lovino. He placed his hands on the boy's shoulders and looked him in the eyes, "You told me that you have never been attracted to a woman before in your life while having the most beautiful girls all around you since I met you. You have been attracted to men. I have never seen you go crazy over anyone besides Antonio though, so I knew you liked him. Plus there was that first time you met Toni that you started asking me about him and then started trying convince me you didn't like him when I wasn't even saying you did before you told me he was gorgeous. If you weren't gay, I don't know anything about the world." Matthew's eyes were kind. He wrapped his arms around Lovino.

"You know if you had just told me, you could have saved me a lot of heartache."

"You mentioned that you were confused and I thought it'd be best to just not comment on anything until you figured it out yourself," Matthew laughed, "Besides it's not my place to tell you what your sexuality is. You're the one who should be telling me."

"Oh," Lovino hugged his friend back before they stepped apart, Matt's hand s back on Lovino's shoulder. "I feel so stupid. You already knew and I never told you." Lovino chewed his lip as he blinked back even more tears.

"Lovi?" Matthew's face was serious causing a wave of panic to spread over the younger man.

"Yes?"

"I'm straight." Lovino shifted slightly.

"Well…yeah. I know that." Lovino didn't understand why Matthew was telling him this. _Is Mattie telling me he doesn't want me around?_

"But I never told you," Matt smiled. "It's the exact same thing. You see things in your friends, their preference and patterns and such, and you just know. I'm glad that you told me, but I hope you didn't feel like you had to or that it would change anything. You're still my best friend and I still love you to death. Come here." Matthew wrapped his arms around his friend once more.

Lovino wiped the tears from his eyes, blushing and laughing lightly. The two decided to get some ice cream from the freezer. They sat on the couch eating in a comfortable silence. Lovino set his bowl down, still halfway full of cream and rested his face in his hand.

Matthew watched him, waiting. He knew his friend did little things when he wanted to speak, but was too uncomfortable to be the one to start talking. It usually meant that he had something personal to say. Matthew liked to wait and give his friend a moment to try to speak if he wanted to. After five minutes of Lovino shifting, sighing, chewing his lip or thumb, and opening and closing his mouth several times, Matt decided to put his friend out of misery.

"Do you want to talk about something, Lovi?" Lovino looked up and smiled finally going back to eating his ice cream.

"Can I talk to you about what happened with Antonio?" Lovino stared at him.

"I heard it," Matthew smirked and nudged him. "You definitely liked it. Go ahead."

Lovino spent the next hour talking to Matthew about his time with Antonio. "And yeah, so it felt good when he was actually in, but the whole process was so fucking awkward and I was so embarrassed. Antonio is so…so good at it and I'm just like where do I put my hands?" Lovino sighed.

"Antonio told us this morning that it was a perfect night. Don't worry about it. Antonio is just really experienced. He knew you were a virgin, so it's not like he was expecting you to know what you were doing," Matthew offered a comforting smile.

Lovino chewed on his lip. He wished he could remember losing his virginity. If it was as perfect as Antonio promised it was, he needed desperately to know the details. He must have looked like there was something wrong because Matthew pulled him out of his thoughts questioning what was bothering him.

"Um…I…" Lovino didn't know if he could tell Matt. He was so ashamed that his first time was a result of a drunken night. Lovino glanced at his friend and swallowed hard. "I don't remember last night at all."

"What?" Matthew's eyes were huge and he leaned forward.

"I got really drunk," Lovino stared down at his hands. "And this morning was terrible."

"Antonio took advantage of you?" Matthew's eyes narrowed, his voice dripping with uncharacteristic anger.

"No, no, nothing like that. He didn't know I was drunk. Hell, I didn't even know I was drunk. I didn't even think I drank that much, but when I woke up…" Lovino glanced up and shrugged. "What can you do?"

The two friends stayed up talking and watching movies until Lovino fell asleep on the couch.

* * *

Lovino was woken the next morning in bed by someone poking him and giggling. He swatted at the person and his face only to be poked in the side. He turned back to face who ever had rudely interrupted his rest to find Antonio kneeling by the bed with a smile on his face. Lovino narrowed his eyes.

"What?" he hissed.

"Lovi, that's not polite!" Antonio frowned.

"I don't fucking care. You waking me up is fucking rude if you ask me," Lovino snapped. "How the hell did you even get in? I'm trying to sleep."

Antonio kissed the man softly and giggled. "Alfie let me in. Get up! We have plans."

"My plan is to sleep. Get out."

"Lovinito sure is a grumpy gill this morning," Antonio sang playfully.

"How do you wake up? Annoyingly cheerful?"

Lovino sat up and rubbed his eyes. He glanced at the clock and groaned at the sickening green numbers telling him it was eight in the morning on his only day he was able to sleep in. He laid back down and covered himself with the blankets mumbling to Antonio that he was going back to bed. He suddenly found himself smothered by the Spaniard, who insisted on kissing him yet another time.

"Okay, Lovi. You want to stay in bed longer. Let's have some fun."

"Antonio…" Lovino groaned. "I'm tired."

"Then get up! I want to take you to breakfast! I know a place."

Antonio pulled the blanket off to be met with Lovino clinging to it. Lovino insisted on sleeping and Antonio insisted on breakfast. Lovino was getting tired of keeping up the fight. If the bastard wanted the blanket, fine. He'd let him have it. He didn't need a blanket. He let go suddenly before curling up and hugging his blanket. Antonio stumbled and fell on his butt from the sudden loss of tension. Lovino howled with laughter.

"Lovino Vargas! That was not nice!" Antonio scolded.

"I told you to let me sleep. Did you break your hip, old man?"

"I told you, I am not old!" Antonio snapped throwing the blanket to the side and scrambling to his feet. "You'll pay for that."

"What are you going to do? Take my air blanket?" Lovino retorted with a smirk.

"No."

Antonio jumped on Lovino, straddling his waist as he tickled him. Lovino tried to push his hands away, but was unable to get him to stop. He laughed and laughed until he could barely breathe and his sides and stomach ached.

"T-Toni, I c-c-can't breathe!" Lovino laughed.

"Are you going to get up and go to breakfast with me?"

"Yes! Just s-s-stop!"

"Okay!" Antonio cooed and stopped. He kissed Lovino's neck, suckling as he allowed the man to catch his breath, his hands running up and down his sides.

Lovino laid there for a moment, enjoying the feel of Antonio so close to him. It was electrifying. He wrapped his arms around Antonio and buried his face in his neck breathing him in. Antonio looked down at him. They stared at each other for a moment before Lovino sat up to kiss him. It was perfect. He wasn't awkward this time. He ran his fingers through the older man's dark curls as Antonio's hands continued running over his body. He could feel Antonio getting hard against him.

"Okay, let's go to breakfast," Lovino sang as he pushed Antonio back and jumped off the bed.

"What?" Antonio gasped. "Lovi, you started a little problem."

"Hm, sucks. I told you to let me sleep. Maybe next time you'll leave me alone," Lovino smirked.

"Lovi…"

"What?"

"You're evil," Antonio breathed.

"Grade A bitch. Don't forget it. Now get up."

Antonio grabbed Lovino and pinned him down. Lovino bit his lip as he tried to hold back a smile. He closed his eyes as Antonio nibbled the sensitive skin on his neck before giggling as it began to tickle. Antonio kissed him before pulling off the man's shirt. Lovino smiled and let it happen. He loved the newness of the sensations.

They finished and showered before going on their way to the restaurant Antonio insisted on taking Lovino to. It was fancy. Soft music was being played by an orchestra. The lights were dimmed and candles were set on the tables. He took Antonio's arm.

"This place is so fancy!" he hissed, staring around the place.

"This is where I work. I'm off today and I figured I'll try my chefling's cooking."

They were escorted to a table by a man dressed in the same button down and black slacks that Matthew wore to work. Antonio declined menus, ordering something that sounded French before glancing at Lovino with a smile.

"To drink?"

"Um, water is okay," Lovino muttered, tugging at his clothing. He was dressed far too casual for such a place.

"Nonsense! Do you like wine?"

"Uh…"

"We'll have Segura Viudas Cava Brut," Antonio smiled.

The waiter disappeared and Lovino stared after him. He hadn't heard of that before. He was in such awe over this place. He ran his eyes over Antonio trying to see if there was anyway he could have missed they were going somewhere like this. Antonio was wearing jeans and a button down with a pea coat. No, he wasn't dressed for this place.

"So how do you like this place?" Antonio asked with a smile.

"It's nice. I've never been somewhere like this before," Lovino breathed. He met Antonio's eyes. "If I had known, I would have put on my church clothes."

Antonio laughed and shook his head. "Church, Lovino, is for Wednesday and Sundays. It has no place on a Saturday."

"I'm just saying this place isn't really the type of place you wear faded jeans with holes and a tee shirt with a hoodie to," Lovino looked around wondering if people were staring at him.

"You're with me. I kind of co-own this place."

Lovino's eyes widened and he bit his nail. This was more than he had ever dreamed. He'd grown up unable to even fathom this amount of luxury. A candy bar was like hitting the jackpot.

"I didn't tell you! I have a catering business out of this place. Stick with me and you'll never have to dress up to walk into a five star restaurant."

The waiter arrived with a bottle of wine and two glasses. He opened it and poured them each a cup. Lovino was confused. Drinking at ten in the morning was not something you should do unless you had a drinking problem

"Uh, can I just have a caramel latte?" Lovino asked warily as Antonio sipped his wine.

"Right away, sir. A friend of Mr. Fernandez is a friend of mine." The waiter zipped into the kitchen.

"Lovino try it! It's Spanish wine. This particular one is a breakfast wine that goes well with eggs."

Lovino took a sip and sighed. It was good wine, but it was ten in the morning. He didn't know what Antonio had ordered him and honestly he didn't trust himself to drink ever again. He hated how he had let his guard down for a few hours and ruined his whole plan.

The waiter returned moments later. His coffee arrived with their meal. Lovino was shocked to see that it was a simple omelette with waffles. Antonio had ordered it in French for some reason unbeknownst to him. It was a nice breakfast. He'd never tasted anything like it. He listened to Antonio go on about his life and his goals. He felt connected, closer to this man somehow. He knew by the end of the morning that he wanted more of this. Antonio had promised him. For the first time, Lovino didn't do extra studying. He laid in bed and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

Antonio dragged himself into his apartment. He was feeling so strange lately. He'd had so much energy the past few days, but after dropping Lovino off he felt drained. He wanted to curl up in bed and never wake up. He tossed his keys on the counter and glared at Francis who was humming as he typed on his computer.

"What?" he was asked, the Frenchman looking confused. "Did your date not go as planned?"

"You're a dirty liar," Antonio told him, crossing his arms.

"Quoi? What did I lie about, mon ami?" Francis asked, closing his laptop.

"You said that wine made things romantic."

"Oui! It does! It is the best drink there is." Francis' blue eyes sparkled as he pushed his hair back.

"Lovino didn't seem to like it. He had one sipe and got coffee instead."

"Wait," Francis straightened up. "Didn't you take him to breakfast?"

"Si.'

"OH MY GOD, TONI, HE PROBABLY THINKS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!" Francis screeched in horror. "No respectable person drinks for breakfast!"

"You didn't tell me that!" Antonio snapped.

"I didn't think I had to!" Francis retorted with wide eyes.

Emma and Gilbert were in the living room and dying with laughter at Antoni's grave mistake. He wanted to crawl under a rock. He was worthless and good for nothing. Why did he ever think he stood a chance? He should just curl up in a ball and die.

"Isn't he a minor? Why are you giving him alcohol again after what happened last time? Don't you think you're taking this a bit far?" Gilbert asked when he finally caught his breath from laughing so hard.

"Yeah, he's twenty."

"And you're serving him alcohol in your place of work."

"So? I practically own it. I can do what I want." With that Antonio went to his room, thankful for a place to lay his head and forget about the world.

* * *

**_Here you are! I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a review!_**


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a week and a half since things had begun with Antonio. Lovino couldn't believe it had been that long. It seemed as if just yesterday Antonio had been making him sweat and his heart race while Lovino masked his emotions with a foul attitude.

"Mio dio! Mio…mio…ah, Antonio! Mio dio, Antonio!" Lovino's cries of ecstasy filled the apartment. Antonio collapsed next to him moments later. The two panted next to each other for a moment.

Antonio rolled on top of Lovino and kissed him, running his hands down the boy's athletic, fit torso. He wasn't muscular, but definitely toned. Lovino felt a bit insecure about this considering how Antonio looked. Antonio pulled back, still staring down at Lovino with those dancing emerald eyes. Lovino's heart leapt.

"Lovi, let's talk, get to know each other." Lovino liked that idea. He didn't know much about his sort of boyfriend.

"You start," Lovino smiled. He didn't dare go first. He was nothing special. He came from poverty. He knew that Antonio's life had to be exciting.

"Okay, well you know something things about me, but I'll tell you everything I feel is important. So I'm twenty-six. My birthday is February 12, making me an Aquarius. I am bisexual. Upon graduating high school at eighteen, I went back to Spain for culinary arts school and ended up at the Le Cordon Bleu in Madrid. I am a chef at one of the finest restaurants in the country plus co-owning a private catering company earning near a six-figure income which I'm pretty proud of if I don't say so myself. Wow, I'm a catch," Antonio giggled. Lovino rolled his eyes.

"You sound as if you're making a dating profile. Do you like long walks on the beach and kisses at sunset too?" Lovino joked, planting a kiss on Antonio's lips.

"Shut up!" Antonio laughed. "But, si, I do like walks on the beach and kisses at sunset. Actually if it's with you, kisses at any time are perfect," he winked and brushed back a piece of hair that had landed in Lovino's face. "Now hush if you want to hear my life story."

"If you insist," Lovino laid his head on his folded arms and stared at Antonio.

"Okay, so I grew up in Pedraza, Spain. It's this really small village in the northeast of the country. There are castles there and it's just beautiful. My parents worked outside of the village obviously in this really touristy place, so they made fantastic money. When I was twelve, we moved here. My oldest brother was attending university in Madrid, so he stayed behind coming later on after he had graduated. I have four older siblings. Orlando, Lando, is thirty-four. Maria is thirty-one. Julian is thirty. Selina is twenty-nine. Then yours truly is the baby.

"Lando's a chemical engineer. Maria is a pharmacist. Julian is a dentist. Selina is history buff and teaches classes at a university. So it was kind of a shock to my parents when I wanted to go culinary school instead of a fancy university. Also all of my siblings are married with kids which is just…the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I mean Lando is a good age, but he had three kids already. He was married at twenty-five right after he finished his masters. Maria got married in pharmacy school and has two. Julian got married really early, twenty-three and has three kids and Maria just has one. Like I just couldn't even imagine settling down like that until I'm at least thirty-five."

"Antonio, you're so off topic," Lovino smirked.

"Oh yeah. Well basically I grew up in a really big family and we always had a lot of money. My dad has his MBA and my mom is a pastry chef. She has her own little bakery that does very well. So really, we did very well. Being the youngest, I was kind of allowed to do whatever. I met Gil and Francis in middle school and the three of us were a force to be reckoned with. We were always in trouble. You need to meet them. I think you'll like them. Francis is this French guy who is a kindergarten teacher by day and bartender by night. It's so weird that he teaches little kids though because he's a total pervert, but he's so good and innocent with the kids. Gilbert is an attorney and you will get lawyered…several times. My best best best friend is this girl named Emma that I met when I first moved here. She was the next door neighbor.

"Anyway I like to party, go out, drink and have fun. Music is like…it's like a drug. Cooking is my passion, of course. I like sex, dios, I love sex. I met this really cute guy who's at that awkward age where he's an adult, but still a kid. He's my coworker and friend's roommate. He's too cute and innocent. He's still learning how to have sex, but my god, I love to be around him. I love to talk to him and kiss him and fuck his brains out. He's beautiful and smart and funny. Man, is he smart. The funny thing is that he never even admitted to being gay until after we fucked twice. He does this adorable thing where he pretends to be so angry and hateful to people and I don't even know why because you can see that he's the most caring and sensitive person in the world. He's fragile, I think. So that's why he guards his heart so much. And I love him for it," Antonio laughed and kissed Lovino.

"You are such a jerk," Lovino said with a smile before kissing Antonio again, "but you're making me fall so hard for you."

"I know. It's a curse," Antonio shook his head and pulled Lovino into his arms.

"Toni?" Lovino glanced at Antonio, suddenly seriously. Toni gestured for him to continue. "You know that about me and I've never told you. You just realized it. You better understand that…that I've never let anyone in before. You better not break my fucking heart because…because…" he trailed off and snuggled into Antonio.

"Don't worry, mi amor. I couldn't break your heart if I tried. Your turn. You tell me about you and your life and your family and friends."

"Uh…well my parents are immigrants from Italia," Lovino started slowly before pausing a moment to organize his thoughts.

"Where in Italy?" Antonio inquired.

"Firenze." Antonio gave a questioning look. "Florence, shit, sorry. I'm not used to speaking about Italy in English," the boy blushed.

"It's okay. So I'm guessing since your parents are immigrants, your first language is probably not English," Antonio observed.

"Right. I spoke exclusive Italian until I was four when my parents put me in preschool to learn English. Their English was very broken at first," Lovino admitted.

"That explains why you have a very slight accent. Like you can't hear it most of the time, but on certain words…"

"Yeah…So they moved here when my mom was pregnant with me. They bought this small house they fell in love with and hoped that they could move somewhere nicer and larger once they got established. My dad really struggled to find good work. He owned a convenience store, but it wasn't very much after taxes. He even sold pizza inside and coffee. They had my little brother, Feliciano, when I was four…on my birthday which I was pretty mad about. When I was seven, my mom died suddenly. She ended up slipping or something and she hit her head pretty hard. She had this headache and she didn't say anything. She put my brother and me in bed and then she and our dad went to sleep. She died that night in her sleep. She…um…she…she…she had a bleed in her brain, so there was some blood on her pillow in the morning. It was actually Christmas that she died, so my brother and I went in to wake our parents up. It was scary because Feli jumped on her and she didn't wake up. Then we saw the blood and freaked out. Feli thought he hurt her. We were already poor, but that put my dad in debt and he didn't know what to do. He ended up selling the store and having to find work elsewhere. So my dad had to work odd jobs because he didn't have qualifications here. He worked at stores and restaurant and construction jobs. That was the last year that we got more than one gift on Christmas. I was able to get new clothes only when they were too small or they were really worn out. And I'd only get them from second hand shops. I grew up with like three pairs of clothes and Feli never got new clothes, just hand-me-downs," a smile danced on Lovino's lips. "There was this one year my dad got a bonus and, um, he woke Feli and I up Christmas morning to give us our present. Usually it was like a chocolate bar or I'd get a book and my brother would get a sketch pad with crayons or colored pencils, maybe a jacket or something. But this year, he was teary from how excited he was for us to open our gift. I got a science kit and my brother got an art kit from Florence, it was really nice. Feli loves art. He was so happy because for once he got a real art kit and I was so excited for the science kit. I remember our dad just crying and holding us because of how happy we were," Lovino remembered softly.

"Wow…" Antonio breathed, unable to imagine being so excited over something so small.

"Yeah. It was the best year. We couldn't afford much, so my dad would walk everywhere and if he needed us to go with him, we'd take the bus since Feli and I were free. We had to ride the bus to school. My dad tried his best to give us everything he could. He worked so much and I helped looked after Feli. It'd be so exciting when he'd bring us home a treat. I remember once he brought home a cupcake for each of us and Feli refused to eat it for a week because he was saving it, then he'd only eat a little bit of it at a time. We ate enough though since luckily Italian food is relatively cheap and it's filling. Naturally, pasta is my brother's favorite food. He really doesn't eat much else," Lovino glanced up at Antonio who had gasped.

"That…how could he not experience all the wide varieties of food?"

"Were you not listening? We can't afford it. I didn't try anything except Italian until I started college. Our house was really small. Feli and I had to share a room the whole time I lived there and we could only fit one bed in there, so we shared a bed too. But you know, it wasn't bad growing up like that. We are really close as a result, so it worked out. Like the three of us love each other so much. We can't go without talking. To help with the financial stress, my brother I got jobs as soon as we could. We always tried to give our dad money and he'd tell us that we should keep it and save it. He told us it wasn't our place to help him. He was supposed to help us, so that's what we did. I was able to buy a car before I left for college and Papa nearly cried because he wanted to give me one so badly," Lovino smiled at Antonio.

"I think the best thing is that Feli and I, we don't take much for granted. We know that there is happiness without material things. We used to stay up in our room telling stories to each other. We'd talk to each other, actually talk. We don't hide from each other. I love it. I mean my brother can be the most annoying person on the face of the earth, but I love him more than anything else in the world. If I had to go a day without his incessant chatter, I don't know what I'd do," Lovino cursed himself that there were tears in his eyes. Antonio wiped them away.

"I think that's beautiful."

"What? That we're close?" Lovino's brow knit as he looked in confusion at the man holding him.

"I think it's beautiful that you find the beauty in people," Antonio said softly.

"Oh," Lovino looked down and blushed. "See I want to be a doctor not just because the body is truly fascinating and I love science, but that I want to save people so that they can go back to their families who possibly didn't appreciate them enough or didn't realize how much they cared before. If my mom hadn't died, my life would be so different. It's because she died, that we were so poor so we learned to appreciate things. It's when I started learning about science and the body because I was at an age where I was curious and wanted to know why. It made us all realize how fragile life is and that you have to appreciate the people in your life and show them that you care and love them and let them know that they're loved. I think though that if she hadn't died, if she had been able to go the hospital and be saved, that we would have still realized that. I want people to realize that."

The two laid in silence, listening to each other's breathing. Lovino rested his head on Antonio's chest and listened to his heart. He tapped the rhythm against Toni's chest and closed his eyes. There was music added to that beat, the sound of the lungs pulling and pushing air in and out and the sound of the blood rushing through the vessels. He could hear the slight clicks of his intestines and the gurgle of his stomach. Lovino found himself lost in the music inside Antonio, the music that was inside everyone. He felt Antonio's hand run through his hair. He looked up, distracted now.

"What are you doing?" Antonio asked softly.

"Listening…listening to your inner music," Lovino glanced to side realizing how stupid that sounded once the words escaped his lips. Shit. His cheeks burned.

"Music?" Antonio smiled and shook his head in confusion.

"Here, lay your head on me. Close your eyes and listen to the beat of my heart, the rhythm of my lungs, the blood in my body and the sounds of my stomach and intestines working. It's the sound of being alive and it's beautiful, beautiful music, Tonio," Lovino smiled hoping that he hadn't sounded too lame. Antonio cocked his head to the side.

"You are such a nerd," he giggled, laying Lovino back. He kissed him before laying his head on Lovino. After a moment he sat up smiling at the boy. "I hear it, but I'm afraid I don't understand."

"I don't expect you to," Lovino sighed and sat up. Antonio pulled him into a kiss.

"I love that you love medicine and science and I love that you make it artsy," Antonio winked at him.

"It's not me making it artsy. It is a literal masterpiece. If you could see the inner working of the body like I do and see how perfectly designed everything is…if you could see the placement of everything. If only you knew the breathtaking beauty in life, Antonio, you would realize that biology is really just the study of living art. My brother likes to make art. I like to live it," Lovino's eyes danced with passion.

The look on Lovino's face made Antonio heart skip a beat. This kid, this man, he was something else. Antonio had never known someone with so much love and so much passion locked away inside. He could tell how much Lovino loved what he was studying and he wanted nothing more than to see him accomplish his dreams. Antonio fell in love with this boy right then and there.

"Let's get dressed and I'll cook us something to eat," Antonio smiled and kissed Lovino softly.

The men dressed and walked into the kitchen. Lovino jumped up on the counter to watch Antonio cook. He'd learned that the Spaniard loved to show off his culinary skilled. He refused to let anyone cook if he was around. Lovino rubbed his chest, wincing.

"Tonio, you need to be more careful. My nipples are fucking sore. My shirt is irritating them," Lovino complained with a frown.

"Okay, I didn't even do anything that would cause them to hurt and you seemed to like it when I did it," Antonio defended.

"Well yeah, but they fucking hurt, so stop," Lovino snapped.

"Whatever you want," Antonio winked at him with a smile as he went back to cooking. "How's your brother?"

"Um, he's okay." Lovino shifted. He felt so guilty that he had been spending his free time with Antonio, which almost always involved some sex. He felt as though he was abandoning his brother. "He starts chemo tomorrow. I'm going to go with him. Our dad can't go and Feli shouldn't go alone, you know? He's getting the most aggressive treatment they have. Usually they do the first bit of chemo in the hospital, like six to eight weeks is what his doctor said, but he hates the hospital and they agreed to let him do outpatient as long as his levels are okay. The second his white blood cell count drops below normal, he has to be in the hospital."

"That's nice. How's he holding up?"

"Strangely well, but I mean Feli's a really positive kid. He's the type to cry for five minutes before going off laughing about something. He doesn't dwell on things, so he lets things slide off him easily. It's really nice because I've yelled at him too many times and he gets sad for like a minute before hugging me and it's just annoyingly cute, you know?" Lovino smiled down at his feet. "I honestly don't know what I'd do without him."

"You and your brother sound so close," Antonio smiled.

"Well when you're all each other has, you kind of form a certain bond. I see siblings who didn't grow up the way we did who fight like crazy. I don't know if you've been around Alfred and Matthew together for very long, but it gets messy. I think if we'd grown up differently, we wouldn't be as close."

"How are you doing with everything?"

"Um…" Lovino bit his lip. He didn't even feel like he had a right to have emotions about this. Nobody should be asking him if he was okay. Feliciano was the one with cancer. "Okay. I'm worried. He's my little brother and probably the only person in the entire world I tell everything to. I don't censor with him. It's nice to have someone like that. They said the survival rate was about fifty-seven percent, but that's like…" Lovino's voice caught.

Antonio pulled him off the counter and into his arms. Lovino started sobbing into Antonio's chest. He didn't know why he was so emotional. Usually he could push his feelings to the side, but the past couple days he was feeling his emotions so strongly. It was almost overwhelming. He'd even cried over a stupid movie he watched last night.

"It's okay. I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Yeah. Shit, I don't know why I've been so emotional the past few days. You probably think I'm a fucking bitch."

"Not at all," Antonio smiled. "There's no shame in crying."

"Whatever…" Lovino muttered wiping the tears off his face and crossing his arms tightly against his chest.

Antonio finished cooking and set the plates on the table and the two ate making conversation. Lovino didn't say much. He just felt like crying. He didn't even know why. It was starting to piss him off. As Antonio cleared their plates to bring out desert, Lovino inhaled sharply, wincing at a sudden cramping in his abdomen near his pelvis. He hugged his stomach and leaned forward. It almost felt like bad gas pain, but was more spasm-like.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked, eyes wide.

"I don't know! What the fuck did you do to me?" Lovino demanded. His anger had fully set in. He was embarrassed by how he was behaving, but even more so that he couldn't control it.

"I didn't do anything!" Antonio insisted. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know! It's your fault though. I don't know what you did, but this never happened before I started having sex. God, why don't they talk about what it's like after you lose your virginity? It sucks!"

"What are you talking about? It is sort of painful the first time going in, but then it's just kind of uncomfortable until you get used to it, but it's amazing."

"No, you idiota! That's not what I'm talking about!"

"What's been going on?" Antonio sat down and rubbed his arm.

"Well first my nipples started getting sore and are now darker than usual and then I started getting really emotional and now I'm having this annoying cramping. I want it to stop."

"That's not from sex…" Antonio said, knitting his brow. "I mean maybe the nipples, but I swear I don't do anything rough with you."

"Then what the hell did you do to me?" Lovino glared, teary-eyed.

"Nothing. I mean if you were a girl, I'd say it sounds like you're pregnant," Antonio chuckled.

Lovino intensified his glare and kicked him gently. Antonio laughed again grabbing the man's foot. "I'm a man!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't kick me!" Antonio laughed. "Of course you're not pregnant."

"So what is it? Did this ever happen with anyone before?" Lovino hugged his knees.

"Just Emma when she and I were dating. She got pregnant, but lost the baby in a miscarriage at like seven weeks," Antonio said softly. He chewed his lip for a moment.

"I'm sorry," Lovino said, tears falling down his cheeks again. "That's so sad!"

"Lovi, Lovi, no! It wasn't sad. We were relieved. It was hell thinking that we'd have a kid in our twenties. Ew," Antonio made a face then smiled.

"But it's a baby and it died!"

"It wasn't even a fetus yet. It's far from a baby," Antonio comforted.

"We're Catholic, Antonio! It was a baby! You had a baby that died!" Lovino cried into his arms.

"Lovino, why are you so upset? It's got nothing to do with you and it happened a year and a half ago."

"I don't know! GODDAMMIT I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG! BUT IT'S YOUR FAULT! I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT IT IS!" Lovino jumped to his feet and wiped his face roughly as he stormed toward the door.

"Lovino, wait! Where are you going? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!" Antonio ran after him. Lovino stopped and grabbed him in a tight hug. He kissed him gently and laid in the man's embrace before pushing him away.

"Don't fucking touch me!" Lovino glared and left. What was wrong with him? What was going on? Lovino didn't know, but he didn't like it. He finally made it into his car, taking a few breaths he drove home. He better be okay for tomorrow. He couldn't be like this around Feliciano, not when he was getting chemo.

* * *

_**Thank you for reading. Please leave a review! **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Bonus chapter! I know I said I'd update twice a week, but I wanted to publish this early. **_

* * *

Feliciano clung to Lovino's shirt as they walked into the children's hospital entrance. Lovino rubbed his arm and gave him a reassuring smile. He wasn't sure if his brother found comfort in the action, but he wanted to calm him down. He knew the boy was scared for his first round of chemo. They stepped into the elevators and Lovino hugged his brother tightly.

"You'll be okay, Feliciano."

"I-I know," Feliciano stuttered out.

"Are you nervous?" Lovino asked softly, putting an arm around his younger brother's shoulders. He didn't like to show affection publicly, but never hesitated when the boy needed him.

"A little…" Feliciano tugged on this hoodie sleeves as he pulled away from the elder. His eyes were glued to the floor. Lovino wanted so badly to see Feli smile. It wasn't normal for him to look this way.

"You'll be okay, Feli," Lovino smiled gently, hugging him as the elevator took them to the cancer floor.

They checked in and they were led to a small room with a bed and TV. A nurse Lovino recognized as one of Antonio's friends that Matthew had brought over for a few minutes, drew blood work and instructed the two to have a seat while they waited. A Child Life worker, Tino, came in with a box of video games, a game system and some movies letting the boy know that he had things to do while he was receiving treatment. Feliciano sifted through the games and movies before deciding on a few and requested a board game. Tino promised him the game and left.

Feliciano sighed and hugged his knees as he sat on the bed. Lovino looked up from where he was sitting with his books in his lap. He hated seeing his brother in such a condition. He was used to the annoyingly talkative, smiling, adorable little brother he'd always known him to be. He couldn't remember a single time in the boy's life that he'd looked this nervous. He was used to be him getting his feelings hurt, of course, but not this. It was unnerving to say the least. Lovino set his books aside and sat across from Feliciano on the hospital bed.

"How's school going? Papa said you were making good grades. I bet that's exciting. I know how hard you have to work," Lovino smiled. Feliciano didn't even look at him. "Okay, no school. What about your friends? Are you going to hangout with them soon? You're so popular, Feli."

At that, Feliciano buried his face in his arms and began to cry. Lovino cursed under his breath and hugged his brother to him, rocking slightly trying to soothe him. Feliciano didn't respond to him verbally, but he turned his head to the side and stared at the wall as the tears slowed.

"Have you drawn anything lately? Or painted? I saw they're having an art show at my university in a few months. I can get you in for free. You'd love it. We can go to the art museum. We keep meaning to go, but I think you skipping school one day wouldn't hurt. If you need help catching up, I can help." Lovino frowned when Feliciano didn't say anything. He was beginning to worry. "Feliciano, what do you want do or talk about? I know you're scared, but that's not good for you. You can get through this and beat it. It's scary, but Papa and I and all your friends are here. What can I do to help you?"

"What are they going to do, Lovi?" Feliciano asked barely above a whisper after a few moments of silence.

"Hm?"

"I don't listen. I can't. I try to listen and I just get so scared. What are they doing? I don't know what they're doing!" Feliciano began to cry again as he trembled.

"The chemo today?" Lovino asked softly. Feliciano nodded. "Um, well they took your blood to make sure that your platelets and white blood cell counts were high enough for you to get chemo today. If they're too low you'll be at risk of bleeding and infection which is really bad because chemotherapy kills your immune system. Remember how they said you'll be in the hospital a lot later on? That's most likely from complications from the chemo. You'll get sick easily from the lowered immune system, plus many times chemo makes you not want to eat and fatigues you. You may feel ill or even throw up. The medicine they gave you are to prevent that and some of them were forms of chemo, so you already had some. If your labs are okay, Emma will go ahead and hook you up to the IVs with the three drugs they're giving you. It'll go into the port they implanted last week. It will take about 6 hours for your medication to finish. Emma will be taking your vital signs and making sure you don't have a bad reaction to the drug. Then you'll wait here for another thirty minutes to an hour before we get pizza." Lovino smiled at the end hoping the prospect of pizza would liven his little brother.

"Oh…" Feliciano laid back. "Will it hurt?"

"It shouldn't. You aren't getting stuck since you have the port. You might feel nauseous or throw up. You may even get dizzy or sleepy. It's okay though."

"Why does it do that?" Feli asked chewing his nail.

"Chemo is pretty much poison. It designed to kill the cancer cells, but it doesn't differentiate between the cancer and healthy cells, so it causes you to feel ill," Lovino said softly as he played with the sheets.

"Lovi?"

"Yeah?" Lovino asked looking up to find his brother staring at him.

"W-When...How l-l-long until my hair starts to fall out?" Feliciano asked with a shuddering voice.

"It depends. It could be next week, could be in a month. Everyone's different. It'll be okay. You can rock a beanie or something. I'll go bald with you if you want," Lovino suggested.

"No. No, don't. But I'm scared of what kids at school are going to say or think. I mean, I'm popular, Lovi, but not for the right reasons. I don't even think I have real friends," Feliciano wiped a tear from his eye. "I mean there's Timmy, but he's moved to Europe, but I don't think the others are really friends. If I'm nauseous and bald and my body's like radioactive…" Feliciano sniffed and sat up straight. "I have a life that is my own. It's separate from you and Papa, and I'm so scared to lose it."

"Okay, Feliciano, your lab work looked great. Are you ready?" Emmas asked as she walked in after knocking.

Feliciano nodded weakly. She had Lovino step out while she prepped everything since it was radioactive. She came out, rubbing her hands together with the foam letting Lovino know it was okay for him to go in. Lovino nodded and entered.

Feliciano was sitting crossed legged on the bed as poison streamed into his body. When Lovino got closer, he saw that he had acquired a sketch pad and was drawing. Lovino sat down and began working on a paper. He knew better than to interrupt Feliciano when he was working. He'd always lose his train of thought and get whiny. He wanted him relaxed. He needed to be.

About forty-five minutes into the treatment, Feliciano sat up suddenly. Lovino asked him if he was okay, but he didn't say anything as he dug his nails into his arms and clenched his jaw. Lovino moved his things aside and stood up.

"Feli…"

"I don't feel well…" Feliciano whimpered. "I think something's wrong! Why do I feel like this?" Tears began to fall down his face.

"What's wrong?" Lovino asked pushing the call light. He didn't know what was going on, but he wasn't about to risk it being life threatening.

"I...I feel like my stomach and intestines are twisting around. Why does it feel like this? I'm really cold too. What's happening, Lovino?" Feliciano begged as he rocked back and forth whimpering.

"It's just a side effect of the medicine. You're okay," Lovino assured him, brushing his hair back softly. It always calmed his brother down. A sinking feeling settled over him. What would calm him when it wasn't there? He hoped that the same motion would work.

Emma came in the room as Feliciano started vomiting into a blue bag he'd been given. Lovino didn't know what to do. He wasn't supposed to come into contact with any of his brother's body fluids for the first forty-eight hours after chemo, but he needed to comfort him. He shook his head and sat next to him as he wretched, an arm around his shoulders.

Emma gave Feliciano more medicine to help with vomiting, but it didn't work. He vomited more than once during the infusion, but ended up being so tired by the end that he fell asleep against Lovino. He held his brother and watched a movie. He wanted everything to rewind. He wanted Feli to be okay. He hoped that Feli's friends weren't fake like he had said. He knew Feliciano needed them.

The door opened and Roma walked in, his clothing still dusty from work. He ran a hand threw his hair as he walked over. Lovino offered a polite greeting before his father hugged him and sat on the foot of the bed, his eyes glued to his youngest.

"How's it going?" he asked softly.

"Not well. His body really hates the medicine. He's having breakthrough nausea, so they don't think they're going to completely control it. He threw up like four times already. He's tired himself out," Lovino informed his father sadly. He glanced at his brother and wanted to cry, but forced himself to remain stoic. Thankfully he was able to control his emotions during this whole thing.

Roma covered him mouth and rubbed it. Lovino saw tears in his eyes. He reached over and hugged his father. "I can't stand to have him be like this," Roma whispered before breaking down in sobs. "Did you know that his treatment is a hundred percent paid for? I just talked to this woman from the billing department. An anonymous donor is taking this cost. He'll even have a tutor to keep up in school that they provide."

"Oh wow, that's great," Lovino said, his eyes wide.

"Yeah. I was so worried we wouldn't be able to pay for it. I don't want him to die, Lovi. I just...I'd die if anything happened to the two of you. I love you both so much."

"We love you too," Lovino mumbled as Roma hugged him.

* * *

Feliciano, Roma, and Lovino sat at the table of the pizza parlor Lovino had insisted on taking his family to. It was the first time he'd been able to. Roma usually refused, insisting that the boy save his money for something important. Of course he'd take Feli out for coffee and gelato in the past, but it the first family dinner out. Feli was resting his head on his arms. Roma rubbed his back, with a worried look on his face. The chemo really had taken a lot out of the usually cheerful and hyper boy.

"Lovino, can I get pasta? Pizza doesn't feel right with my stomach feeling like this," Feliciano asked softly.

"Anything you want," Lovino smiled.

He ordered supreme pizza for himself and Roma and pasta with sauce on the side for his brother. Emma had told them pasta would be easy on his stomach, but to be careful with sauces. Feliciano had been relieved to hear that he was able to have his favorite food.

"How's work and school, Lovi?" Roma asked with a smile.

"It's good. Dr. Patel has been letting me shadow him if I transcribe his notes early enough. He's even taught me a few procedures and it's really exciting. He says he'll even write me a letter of recommendation for medical school. My applications are due for medical school by October first and I want to get them in as soon as possible. All I have left is the letters of recommendation and I'll send them in. I've already gone through the board at school and I've gotten approved for their letters. I should be getting the applications in about two weeks. I've schedule my MCAT for January third. I am so nervous," Lovino said, taking a deep breath and playing with his straw.

"You'll get in. You have a 4.0 in your junior year and that's on top of working twenty hours a week, shadowing and volunteering as well as helping your brother with his homework. I have no doubt you'll make it. I'm so proud of you," Roma smiled as he hugged his son tightly, kissing his temple.

"I hope you're right. It's all I've ever wanted."

"Lovi, you're the smartest person I've ever met and you love it. You should hurry up and become a doctor. If I still have cancer then, you're hired as my doctor," Feli smiled and sipped his water.

"Feliciano! Don't say such things!" Roma scolded. "Not even as a joke, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Papa." Feliciano glared at the table. "But it's just, why can't I talk about it? It's scary and I like to talk about it. It makes it less scary. Lovino explains things so well and I feel better. I just think I should talk about it if I need to."

"Feliciano."

Lovino stared at his brother. He had always let things slide of him, but he looked so tired and scared. Tears filled his eyes which he glued to his lap. He couldn't let anyone see him cry. He faked a yawn and rubbed his eyes with his sleeves.

"Are you okay?" Roma asked.

"Yes. I'm just tired. I've been studying all day."

"He really has! He talked to me about it when I needed a distraction. You're such a nerd, Lovi."

"Shut up," Lovino smirked, flinging water at him.

"You shut up," Feliciano laughed fling water back.

"I told you first." Lovino blew a straw packet at him.

"I'm your baby brother and I'm cute so…" Feliciano placed his hands under his chin and smiled sweetly.

"You're not that cute," Lovino rolled his eyes.

"Lovi!" Feliciano whined flipping napkins in his brother's direction.

"Feli!" Lovino mimicked.

"H2O is now H2No," Feliciano laughed as he put an ice cube down Lovino's shirt and laughed.

"Fuck! Feli, stop!" Lovino jumped up and the ice fell to the ground. Lovino's face broke into a devilish smile and Feliciano's eyes widened.

"I'm sorry. I love you. No, Lovi, no!" Feliciano squealed with laughter as Lovino put ice down his shirt.

"Boys!" Roma snapped, slapping the table. "We are not at home We are in a restaurant and you will behave!"

The boys muttered their apologies and began to eat their food as he came. Lovino and Feliciano kept looking at each other, making faces. Lovino would snicker and Feli would giggle. It was nice. Roma even had a smile on his face. For a moment, they were a normal family. They forgot that Feliciano was sick. They forgot that Roma was breaking his back to provide for them. They forgot that Lovino, despite living only forty minutes away rarely saw them much anymore. They forgot how rare meals with the three of them were.

Lovino's phone buzzed. He ignored it and continued to listen to Feliciano talk about some art exhibit in New York he'd heard about in school. It buzzed again. Roma looked at him.

"Answer your phone, Lovino."

"It's okay, Papa."

"Il mio passerotto, I know you. You don't keep a social life. It's either work or Matthew and either way it could be important. Don't be rude. Answer."

Lovino nodded and unlocked the phone to see Antonio had texted him a sweet text. He felt his cheeks warm and a smile form on his face. He sent a quick reply and looked up to see Roma and Feliciano smiling at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Who was that?" Roma asked. "I know that's not Matt or Dr. Patel."

"Nobody," Lovino muttered taking a sip of his water.

"Is it Toni?" Feliciano asked.

"It's _nobody_," Lovino hissed, giving his brother a warning look.

"Little Lovi's growing up, Papa," Feliciano cooed.

"Feli…" Lovino warned.

"He's seeing someone!" Feliciano said at the same time.

"Well I've never seen you smile like that. It reminds me of when I first started seeing your mother. If this girl can make you smile like that, keep her around. She's a keeper. Never refer to a lady you care about and who cares about you nobody, young man."

"Yes, Papa," Lovino almost whispered willing Feliciano to shut up. He didn't understand. Their father wouldn't be okay with him being gay. He'd had that talk.

"So her name is Toni? What's that short for? Of course that is a nickname. Nobody would name their daughter Toni," Roma inquired with a smile.

"Um..I...it's..it's, um, Antonio, I mean Antonia," Lovino said, his mouth suddenly dry.

"That's a lovely name. I hope I can meet her. You know I was worried you may have been a _finocchio_." Lovino flinched at the slur. "You never seemed interested in girls and you always had those beautiful girls around you and you never looked. I'm so relieved you found a nice girl."

"Yeah," Lovino muttered. Feliciano giggled and received a swift kick in the shin.

"Ow!"

"Shut up! Can you fucking shut up? Stop laughing about my love life. I don't think it's funny!" Lovino snapped, jumping up, tears filling his eyes.

"Lovi-"

"No! It's not your business and you need to learn to shut up! I told you in confidence. I wasn't ready for him to know! So don't you dare laugh at me!"

"Lovino, sit down," Roma ordered.

"No. I'm leaving. Fuck you, Feli. Like you'd ever understand."

Lovino threw cash on the table and stormed out of the restaurant. His body was trembling. How could Feliciano do that? He could have outed him. He couldn't take that. He brushed the tears off his face as he trembled trying to unlock the door. He hated lying to his father, but it wasn't the time. He felt someone's arms wrap around him. He turned to find a teary Feliciano hugging him.

"I'm sorry, Lovi! I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing because I'm happy that you finally found someone and I'm sorry. I love you too much to let you go home angry at me," the boy cried.

"It's fine," Lovino muttered and hugged him. "I love you too. Go back inside. Tell Papa I'm sorry. I just got embarrassed."

"Okay. Be safe!" Feli kissed his brother's cheek and skipped inside. Lovino watched him and shook his head. Feli with his constant flow of girls would never understand.

* * *

_**A/N (translations): **_

_**The slur that Roma used is the equivalent of faggot in Italian. Il mio passerotto means my little sparrow and it's a term of endearment.**_

_**Please leave a review!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Sorry this is late. A lot of things came up. I didn't get a chance to proofread, but I'll do it in the morning. I'm too exhausted to do it tonight. Enjoy!**_

* * *

Lovino rolled his eyes at yet another stupid text from that crazy Spaniard as a small smile played on his lips. He replied before going back to his studying. His phone buzzed a few minutes later with an unfamiliar number. He sighed. He hated getting random calls. He declined the call and went back to work. Again the phone started to buzz, the same number popping up. Maybe it was someone from school?

"Hello?" Lovino answered, slightly annoyed.

"Lovi?" Feliciano's voice shook on the other line, almost desperate.

"Feli, what's wrong?" Lovino sat up suddenly.

"Nothing. I...I just feel sick. I need you to pick me up. I can't sign myself out and Papa won't call me out because if I don't stay here, I don't get to eat."

Lovino chewed his lip as he turned and walked toward his car. He'd been fearing this. Feliciano calling him knowing how far away he lived meant it was serious. His brother, for as whiny as he could be, never asked for Lovino to travel so far because he was sick. Something more was going on.

"Yeah, of course. I'm already on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Okay. Grazie, fratellone!"

"Prego."

Lovino hung up his phone as he pulled on to the highway. He hoped and prayed the Feliciano hadn't gotten. He couldn't take an illness. Any bug he caught if his white counts were too low could be the nail in his untimely coffin. Lovino brushed a tear from his cheek. Feliciano had sounded so scared. He didn't sound sick.

His phone rang suddenly pulling him from his thoughts. He glanced down and saw that it was Antonio. The bastard never had better timing. Lovino answered.

"Pronto," he said softly.

"Lovi! Okay, so I was thinking that I can come over tonight and-"

"Feli's sick," Lovino cut him off with a hollow voice.

"Yeah. I know. Is there something else?" Antonio's voice was laced iwth concern.

"Um, I-I don't know. He just called me and he sounded so scared. I'm going to pick him up from school."

"What happened?"

"I don't fucking know! That's what's worrying me. He does this thing when things are particularly bad where he's crying and you know he's crying, but he's acting all cheerful. It scares me, Tonio. He says he's sick, but like I don't know!" Lovino took a deep breath as he willed himself not to cry.

"Oh…" Antonio hummed.

"Yeah," Lovino snapped. "Fuck! I just...I want him to be okay."

"He will be. Lovi, you can't get yourself so worked up over something you know nothing about. You're making up scenarios in your head and making yourself sick. Take a deep breath. It'll be okay. For all you know he just got embarrassed or something. He's what, fifteen?"

"Sixteen."

"He's sixteen. That's a terrible age. You remember it, don't you? I mean, you're so insecure. Add being ill on top of that and you have a major melt down on your hands. You said he hates that people acknowledge that he's sick, right? Perhaps he's got too much attention and he feels awkward. Just pick him up, don't let yourself worry, and enjoy time with your brother. You've been really emotional lately."

"Shut up! I am not emotional!" Lovino snapped.

"Fine, you're hanging your moods like a fashion model at a show. I'm just saying you need to calm down."

"Whatever…" Lovino glared at the road in front of him. "I have to go."

"I hope everything is okay with your brother, Lovi. Let me know if I can come over even if it's just to comfort you, okay? Like we don't have to do anything. We an just lay on the couch and pig out on ice cream if it makes you feel better."

"Yeah, okay. Ciao."

Lovino hung up as he pulled into the parking lot of the Feliciano's high school. He was shaking as he stepped out of his car and headed inside. He signed his brother out in the office and waited for Feliciano outside the office. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Antonio again.

Don't you worry your pretty little head! Feli will be great!

Lovino smiled and rolled his eyes. Antonio was still trying to cheer him up. What was it with this guy? Lovino replied with a smiley face and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. What had he done to deserve such a caring person loving him?

I already bought the ice cream!

...Okay, no I didn't. I'm lying and I feel bad. :( I'll bring you some though.

OMG, FELICHANO CAN COME OVER AND I CAN MEET HIM!

Lovino couldn't help but smile. Antonio really was the sweetest. He found it endearing the way he was so eager to please. He would never admit it, except to maybe Feli, but he was falling for this man harder than he ever thought possible.

It's Feliciano. I think it's too early for that.

Aw, okay. :( I miss you, mi amor. I hope your brother is okay and I can see that tight little ass again. ;)

Lovino's cheek burned bright red as he read Antonio's text, a smile played on his lips. He was about to pocket his phone when a small bump against the side of his body pulled him back to reality. He found Feliciano stood next to him with a playful smile, his amber eyes twinkling as he looked at him from under the blue hood he had pulled over his head.

"What are you smiling about?" Feliciano asked.

"Nobody," Lovino muttered.

"The same nobody you're always texting? The same nobody that screws you almost every night?"

Lovino stared at his brother. Feliciano had always been so innocent. Of course he was sixteen and most sixteen year olds knew what sex was. He just wasn't used to his baby brother making such crude comments. It seemed almost wrong coming from his mouth. He didn't know how to respond. How did Feliciano know how often he was seeing Antonio? Lovino hadn't said anything to him about it.

"God, Feliciano, do not talk like that," Lovino snapped.

"What? You talk like that," Feliciano said putting his hands in his pockets as he hummed softly.

"Just...I don't like you talking that that way. It isn't you."

"Lovi, just because you're not used to it doesn't mean it's not me. I'm sixteen and I'm not a baby!" Feli pouted as he and Lovino walked toward the exit.

"Nobody said you were. Hey, what's wrong, huh? You had me worried sick, you little asshole. You're fine," Lovino shot his brother an annoyed glance.

"Um...I...I'll tell you later. I just want to leave. I don't feel well."

All signs of playfulness left the boy. He seemed defeated now. Lovino was suspicious as his brother stared at the ground as they walked side by side in unison. His head hung as he scuffed his feet against the tile every now and then. Lovino sighed. Feliciano was not a secretive person. Whatever this was, it was bad.

"Okay," Lovino said softly, rubbing his stomach slightly.

He was started to feel a bit nauseous. He wanted to hurry up and get to the car. He had water there. Perhaps all he needed to do was hydrate. Feliciano suddenly stopped walking, catching Lovino's attention. Lovino stopped and glanced at him.

"Are you okay?"

Feliciano grabbed Lovino in a tight hug, burying his face in the man's chest. Lovino froze for a moment before reluctantly hugging his brother back. Feli was sick even if this wasn't a safe place for him to show affection to him. What could they do to him? Feliciano wasn't going to face any trouble from it.

Just as quickly as their hug began, it ended. Feliciano pulled away, his hands once again in his hoodie pockets. He strolled toward Lovino's old black Kia and looked back at Lovino to queue him to unlock the doors. Lovino sighed, confused and worried as he pressed the button on his keychain.

"So where are we going, Feli? Our house? My apartment? Lunch? The park?" Lovino asked as he slammed his door closed and pulled his seatbelt on.

"Can we go to the store? Like one that sales clothing and hair stuff? I want to get some things," Feliciano smiled.

"Okay, but I really want to know what's going on. You keep saying you don't feel well, but you don't seem ill."

"I never feel well anymore, Lovi. I just...it's different today. I'll tell you when we get to the store, okay? I just don't want to talk right now. I'm tired."

Feliciano pulled his feet up to rest on the dashboard before hugging his hood around him, closing his eyes and facing toward the window. It was so strange. If Lovino didn't know any better, he'd say Feliciano was skipping school and he was helping. Part of him loved the idea, while another part felt a sick, sinking feeling.

They drove with Lovino's music playing. Feliciano slept the entire way there. Lovino pulled into a parking spot and nudged his little brother. Feli jumped and gave a sleepy smile before he straightened up in his seat.

"We're here already? Wow…" Feli laughed gently and pulled on his sleeves shifting slightly.

"So what's up? You told you'd tell me what's making you feel badly when we go here and we're here now, so what's going on?" Lovino asked resting his chin in his hand. He was feeling a bit more nauseous now and the fatigue that had seized his body a few weeks ago just a few days after he'd first had that slight cramping start.

"Um...okay. I knew, um…" Feliciano trailed off, his body suddenly tense as he fidgeted in his seat before he slowly ran a hand over his head and held it out to his brother.

Lovino stared in shock at the chunk of auburn hair in his brother's hand. His eyes widened and he paled a shade lighter. He slowly raised his eyes to meet Feliciano's. Tears were already in those large amber eyes. Lovino slowly shook his head as tears welled in his eyes.

"Shit…" he whispered before quickly grabbing his brother into a hug.

He allowed Feliciano to sob into his chest for a moment as he rubbed his back. Lovino felt his stomach turning. Both boys had always taken a certain amount of pride in their appearance. He couldn't imagine being sixteen and having no control over how dramatically your appearance changes. The chemo was already doing it's damage on the boy's body.

Lovino remembered high school so clearly. If you didn't have the right look, you could lose friends and not be invited to certain things. Lovino had never cared much about his social status, but he knew Feliciano loved being the center of attention and his high social standing seemed to be make him happy. Lovino had never understood the allure of being popular and going to parties. He couldn't help but wonder what the impact would be on Feliciano.

Feliciano pulled away, wiping the tears from his eyes. He offered a smile. "It happened in the middle of class when I woke up. Everyone was staring and whispering and I didn't know why until finally someone told me it was okay to put my hood on. I want to shave it all off now. I can't stand for it to fall out slowly."

"Yeah, of course. We'll get you a few beanies and you'll look so nice," Lovino comforted.

They got out of the car and made their way to the store. Feliciano picked a few beanies and got supplies to shave his head. They made their way home when Lovino couldn't take his craving anymore, despite how disgusted with himself. He pulled off the highway and into a burger place's parking lot. Feliciano glanced at him.

"Um, Lovi, why are we here?" Feli asked.

"I really, really want a burger," Lovino mumbled.

"Why?" Feliciano said slowly, scrunching his face.

"I just do! I don't….I don't know. I've been feeling strange lately. It's Antonio's fault. I don't know what he did, but he did something and now I just feel weird. I don't know why," Lovino informed his younger brother as he pulled into the drive-thru. "You want something?"

"Ew!" Feliciano scrunched his face.

"You need to eat something."

"Fine. Um. maybe a vanilla shake. I'm not really hungry."

Lovino ordered the food before driving home. Lovino scarfed his meal down as though he hadn't eaten in years. Feli watched with a horrified look as he sipped on his shake. He threw up most of what he ingested, resulting in Feliciano crying about never being able to keep anything down.

They set up a chair on the back porch. Feliciano sat down, taking a few deep breaths before removing his hoodie and shirt. Lovino buzzed the semi-long hair off the boy's head before proceeding to shave the remaining stubble. He handed his brother a mirror.

"You have a nice head, fortunately for you.," Lovino smiled.

"I look good," Feli forced a smile and hugged Lovino. "Thank you for helping me, fratellone! I love you!"

"Yeah, I love you too."

"I hope the birds can use my old hair in their nests for their babies. Did you know they do that?" Feli asked as he followed his brother inside.

"Yeah.." Lovino muttered. He felt unbelievably tired. They went to their room and fell asleep.

* * *

Feliciano and Lovino were laying in their bed laughing and joking around when the sounds of their father coming home filled the house. Feliciano's smiled dropped. He had yet to put on beanie. He liked the feeling of the hair on his skin. He wanted to let it breath for a while. He wanted to get used to it. It was likely going to be at least a few years before he had hair again. He hadn't warned their father.

"Lovi, can you tell him? I don't want to shock him," Feli asked, his voice scared.

"Yeah, sure."

Lovino stood up to let his father know what was going on when the door opened. Roma's face fell when his eyes fell on Feliciano's hairless head. The brown paper bag from the store he was holding fell from his arms and them an fell against the wall.

"Papa, are you okay?" Lovino asked rushing to him.

"I'm fine. Feliciano…"

Roma stood up and pushed past his older son to the younger. He took him in a tight hug and sobbed. He, like Lovino, had known that the boy was sick, but seeing him with the dramatic effect of the chemotherapy made it all too real, too terrifying.

"It's okay, Papa!" Feli said cheerfully hugging the man back. "Don't cry. I know I'm just so pretty."

Roma laughed through his tears and kissed his son's cheek. "Lovino, come here." Roma pulled his other son into a tight hug and kissed him. "We're family. We'll get through this. I love you both more than anything in the world. Nothing will make me stop loving you. I want you both to know that."

"Yes, Papa," Lovino promised.

"I know!" Feli smiled.

Roma went to the bags and pulled out a chocolate bar for each of his sons. The boys took it generously. As Lovino nibbled on his chocolate, he wondered what would happen if he came out to his father right there. Did he know? Why else would he had said that he wouldn't ever stop loving them? He decided against it. Roma was too upset over Feli. Feli needed the attention, not him.

* * *

**_Thank you for reading. Please leave a review._**


	8. Chapter 8

_**And we're back on schedule!**_

* * *

Lovino rubbed his eyes and sighed. He didn't know why he kept feeling so exhausted the past month. Nor could he find any culprit for the almost constant nausea and the occasional vomiting that recently began. There was also the occasional cramping. It never really hurt much, just a slight discomfort in his pelvis. He felt so weird and he didn't like it.

"Lovi, do you want to take a nap?" Lovino looked up from his chair next to their father to see Feli patting the bed next to him.

"Thanks, Feli, but I don't know if I'm sick or not and I don't want you to get worse," Lovino muttered. He was so tired. Roma put an arm around him and hugged him close.

"You've been working hard at school. You can nap on me, passerotto," Lovino smiled at the nickname and snuggled into his father. He was asleep as soon as he closed his eyes, comforted by his father's voice talking to Feli and the familiar scent.

Lovino was shaken awake gently to find that Feliciano was sleeping. Roma smiled at him with a tired expression. Lovino yawned and stretched before seating himself upright.

"Lovi, you need to go get your blood tested. Feli isn't really doing well and he needs a blood transfusion. They don't have much of his blood type at the hospital and they've ordered some, but it hasn't showed up yet."

"What's wrong? Of course I'll go," Lovino stood up with a worried expression on his face and tears welling in his eyes. _Why am I so emotional lately?_ Lovino hated how easily things had been getting to him. He needed to stay calm. Roma was already stressed and worried. Feli was scared. They looked to him.

"The chemo has just made him very anemic. The medicine is interfering with the development of the new blood, so it's a lot slower than it should be. It's nothing major. He just needs blood," Roma hugged Lovino. His father's brows knitted in concern. "Are you okay, Lovi? You're not yourself. Don't stress too much about your classes, amore. I couldn't take it if you both were sick. You two are vita mia, il luce miei occhi," Roma kissed his son's cheek.

"I'm sorry, Papa. I'm okay. I've just been tired and nauseous lately. You're right about the stress though. I'll try to take it as easy as possible. I'm going to go find someone to get my blood drawn. I'll be back," Lovino said before kissing his father's cheeks and leaving the room to go let the nurse's station know that he was ready.

He was led to a small procedure room near the lab where they took a drop of his blood for testing. After finding he had the same blood type as his brother, Lovino was slightly relieved, though he'd expected it. He could help out Feliciano.

"I've been nauseous and really tired lately. I think it's just stress, but I know Feli can't really fight much off right now," Lovino fiddled with the end of his shirt, "I've even vomited a few times."

"We'll take a blood sample then and run a few tests before we take your blood, okay?" Lovino agreed and watched as they took a couple vials of blood before he was asked all of his symptoms to narrow down the tests. He went back to Feli's room, sat on the floor and hugged his knees, resting his head on them. He just wanted this feeling to be over. He wanted to be over whatever was causing this overwhelming fatigue and nausea.

"Il mio passerotto, stei bene," Roma rubbed his eldest son's back.

"Si, Papa," Lovino offered a smile to his father. Roma didn't look convinced.

"Lovi, I'm starting to worry about you. You haven't been sick since you were a kid," He placed a hand on his son's forehead.

"No, Papa. I'm okay. It may be a cold or something, but it is probably stress. I have had so many tests and papers. Then work at the hospital and shadowing. Now I'm worried about Feliciano. I just need to do some stress relief," Lovino smiled as he brushed his hair back and looked sleepily at his father.

"You know I have always been so impressed by you, Lovi. When your mother died, I was a mess. You took care of your brother. You were only seven and you took care of him while I sifted through every last cent we had to pay for your mother's funeral and I realized that I didn't have a penny left to my name. I had these two little boys and I had nothing. You had put Feliciano to bed and you came in my room and you comforted me. You were seven and you had lost your mother and you were comforting _me_. You were telling me that you overheard me on the phone with your zia and that we didn't need money to be happy. You are such a kind and caring boy. It hurts me to see you act so cold to people."

"Papa, I actually have something to tell you. There's a reason I do that," Lovino's heart starting pounding. He was going to do this. He was going to tell his dad everything. There was nobody left to tell that mattered. He prepared for the worst.

"Oh, I know," Roma grinned. "There's a reason for everything you do. You're so logical. There's no need to be scared."

"Papa…Papa, I'm-"

"Mr. Vargas?" The girl from the lab had come into the room with an unreadable expression.

Lovino's cursed mentally. He had been gathering the courage to come out to his father. He finally had the moment and it was lost.

"Yes?" Roma stood up.

"No, I meant your son, Lovino."

Roma glanced at Lovino then back at the woman. "Is everything okay?"

"Nothing to worry about, sir. I just need to speak to Lovino," her voice was firm.

"Well go on, Lovino," Roma said. "We can finish this talk when you get back."

Lovino followed the woman to an exam room. A doctor was in the room with a machine that Lovino had never seen before. He blinked feeling a rising panic. What was going on?

"Lovino, I'm Dr. Erwin. I need to ask you a few questions," his voice was professional and distant.

"Uh…okay," Lovino looked around.

"Please have a seat," he gestured to the exam table. Lovino went slowly over and sat down. "Have you noticed any changes in your testicles? Any pain, swelling or lumps?"

"What? No…why?" Lovino glanced between the doctor and the nurse.

"We have in our charts that you have experienced fatigue and nausea both with and without vomiting for the last two weeks. Have you had any tenderness to your nipples, noticed yourself urinating more than normal, food cravings, any smells that you cause the nausea to come or worsen?" The doctor's face remained blank as he waited for Lovino to answer.

"Um…yeah. I guess I have pee a lot and I've started kind of wanting McDonald's which is weird because I hate that place. Um, cigarette smoke makes it worse…and coffee. But I love coffee. I guess my chest has been a little tender, but I just thought it had to with…" Lovino trailed off not wanting to talk about his sex life.

"Mr. Vargas have you had intercourse with another man? You being the receiving partner?"

Lovino stared wide-eyed. What had they found? "I…I…Yes," his voice was barely above a whisper.

"Lovino, when we tested your blood you tested positive for high levels of hCG. That stands for human chorionic hormone. It is the hormone that is typically released by the placenta during pregnancy. That tells us that you either have testicular cancer and require follow up or you are pregnant. There is a small percentage of men who are born with internal female reproductive organs that are able to become pregnant, however it is not known until a pregnancy occurs. The cervix opens in the anal-rectal cavity for an exit for the child. Unless anal penetration occurs, this is not possible. Men with your condition do not experience month periods with bleeding due to the higher levels of testosterone in the male body. Based on your symptoms, I am leaning more toward pregnancy."

"What?" Lovino whispered as tears filled his eyes. "That…That doesn't…" he shook his head. This wasn't possible. It wasn't happening. Antonio always wore a condom. He couldn't be pregnant. This thing with Antonio was supposed to not interfere with his plans. His future was supposed to be secure and only dependent on himself. He couldn't have a child. It couldn't be true.

"If you'd allow, I'd like to do an ultrasound to confirm."

"I…yeah…I…I…I g-guess," Lovino stammered out as tears filled his eyes and fear overtook his body. How could this be happening? No, they were going to find out that everything was okay. They were wrong. He couldn't get upset now. He was just going to laugh when they finished. He kept telling himself this as jelly was placed on his abdomen and a wand was placed firmly. The sound of blood rushing filled the room, then the sound of his heart beat in the artery, then something else…something…a fast, impossibly fast noise.

"There it is. I'm sure this is a shock to you, but we can assure you that you're going to be just fine. Your options are the same as a woman in this situation. From the looks of things, I'd say about 6-8 weeks, though we can't get a proper dating for another few weeks," the physician looked at Lovino with a look finally of something other than neutrality. This was of compassion.

Lovino could do nothing more than stare at the wand on his stomach. Panic was rising in him. He didn't even hear anything he was being told. He couldn't think. It was as though his limbs were paralyzed. His heart was racing. There was a fire in his chest as his vision turned black. He suddenly began coughing and gasping for hair. He had been holding his breath he realized. He calmed after a few minutes.

When Lovino was allowed to go back to his brother's room, all he could think was to get to his brother who would help him make sense of this. He walked in slowly; it was as if he were trying to run through water. Feliciano was sitting in the bed watching the television.

"Ciao, Lovi! I'm watching this really funny show. I think you would like it," Feli was cheerful as usual.

"Ciao," Lovino glanced around the room. "Where's Papa?"

"He left to get pizza," Feli smiled without looking away from the show he was watching.

"Oh." Lovino took a few gasping breaths before falling against the wall and collapsing in sobs. He needed his dad. He would help him. He could make him feel better.

"Fratello! Lovino, what's wrong?" Feli gasped, frantic. He had never seen his brother like this. "Lovino, I can't get up and hug you, so please come here."

Lovino couldn't have stood up at that point if he had tried. He couldn't do this. How could he tell Antonio? What would he do? He was twenty-six. Why would he ever want to be attached to twenty year old? He was too young for Antonio. He was so stupid. How could he have ever thought this was a good idea? He should have never let him in that night. He should have continued to pretend to hate him.

After a few minutes he calmed down enough to run to Feli and bury his face in his brother's shoulder as he sobbed. He gripped his brother shirt until his sobs were gone and he was left with only tears. "I match your blood."

"Oh, good! That means that I can get out sooner! Wait…why are you crying? Are you scared of needles, Lovino? I didn't know that! You don't have to do it if you are scared. I don't want you to be scared," Feli rambled frantically.

"I can't give you any blood though," Lovino's voice was empty and hollow. He barely recognized it himself.

"Why not?"

"Remember what I told you, Feli?"

"You tell me a lot, Lovi," Feli's voice was nervous, but soothing.

"That I'm gay. And that I had sex. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with a chef who is stable and secure in his life and just has everything together. How he makes me feel like for once the world isn't such a chaotic place. Antonio," Lovino hugged his knees to his chest.

"Si, I remember. He sounds nice."

"He is. He's…he's everything. Feli…Feliciano, I can't give you blood because…" Lovino couldn't bring himself to say the word. He was a man. This wasn't supposed to happen to men.

"Because why? What does that have to…oooh, do you have something?"

"No, god, no. I can't say it," Lovino brushed the tears from his face.

"Can you write it?" Feli suggested.

"I can try." Lovino pulled out his phone and opened up the notepad app and typed the message before sliding it to his little brother.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT? BUT HOW? MY BROTHER IS GOING TO BE A MOMMY?"

"Shut up, Feli!" Lovino snapped ripping the phone from his brother's hand, glaring. "I'm a guy. Of course I'm not going to be mommy. I'm going to be Papa, duh."

"But you have to grow the bambino inside you and push it out and…" Feliciano's eyes got huge. "Wait…how does it come out?"

"The same way it went in, idiota," Lovino didn't even want to think about that.

"That's going to hurt," Feli observed.

"Duh," Lovino rolled his tearful eyes. "I know that. Why don't you learn to shut the fuck up and let me talk to you, Feliciano?"

"Be nice to me! It's not my fault you're pregnant. Control your pregnancy hormones." Feliciano joked.

"Pregnancy…what?" Roma was standing in the doorway with a box of pizza held in his hand as he stared at his two sons. "Lovino…Lovino, please tell me I heard wrong. You didn't...you didn't get that girl pregnant."

"No, Papa. I didn't get anyone pregnant." Roma sighed in relief. "I am," he whispered staring at his shoes, "I'm the one who's pregnant."

"But how is that possible, Lovino? Is this what you were going to tell me?" Roma's voice was firm and unwavering. Both of the boys were nervous. They had never heard Roma speak this way before.

"No, Papa," Lovino whispered

"Then what?" Roma growled tossing the box of pizza on a chair.

"I…I was going to…I…I'm gay," Lovino flinched at the word. Roma stared at him. "And I am sort of seeing someone and we've had sex which is how…some men can do this and—"

"Feliciano, are you hungry?" Roma cut Lovino off. "I got your favorite."

Lovino was confused. Roma hadn't reacted the way he planned. Maybe this would be okay. Lovino let his breath out. The family ate as Feli rambled on. Roma wouldn't look at Lovino. The boy figured that Roma was just shocked.

Lovino had to go back to school, so he bid them both farewell. Roma refused to say a word to him nor did he hug him back, causing Lovino to be hurt. He brushed it off and talked to Feliciano who didn't want him to go. He asked him to tell Antonio and Matt he said hello and that he keep him updated on the baby. Lovino promised he would before leaving.

The drive was long, but he finally made it home. Matt was sitting on the couch when he walked through the front door. Lovino offered a mumbled greeting and ignored the man's questions on how his brother was and what was bothering him. Lovino showered before crawling into bed. He jumped as his phone rang.

"Pronto, Papa!" Lovino was so happy that his father was finally going to talk to him.

"Feliciano's dead and it's your fault."

"W-What?" Lovino whispered, the blood draining from his body.

"I didn't want to say this in front of him ealier because he couldn't afford to be upset. He was so upset when you left that you were doing things that you were didn't understand how his big brother could do this. It was too much for him. His heart gave out."

"What? No...no, Feli...Feli knew. I just...I just saw him. I…"

"You are a disgrace to me and this family. You know, I'm happy that your mother is gone so she doesn't have to see this disgusting being that her son has become. She did not go through that for this. It is an abomination! You are bein punished by the Lord for what you have been doing. The devil crawled into your bed and fucked you and impregnated you with a demon. I can't even begin to tell you how much this makes me sick. You are dead to me. And that unnatural child that you are caring is a product of sin and is just as filthy as you are. You are dead to me. It's less painful than this. You aren't my son. My Lovino, my sweet, precious Lovino would not do this."

The phone came down hard in Lovino's ear. He stared at his phone in disbelief before the slow realization just happened. Feliciano...dead...he couldn't be. No. It wasn't true. Why would Roma lie? He was alone. He didn't have a family. If Roma reacted like that, then there was no way Antonio would ever accept it. Neither would he be allowed at his brother's funeral? The thoughts spun around his head and pulled at him. He couldn't do this alone.

Lovino needed to make his spinning mind shut up. He ran to his bathroom and started rummaging through everything. The blades on his razor weren't large enough to be fatal. None of the pills in his cabinet were toxic. He went to his desk and started throwing things out without finding anything he felt to be lethal enough. _I could hang myself. No, that'd take too long._ He suddenly found a protractor with a very sharp point. He began to push the tip in the skin of his arm. It would all stop soon.

"Lovino? Lovino, are you okay?" Matt called from the other side of the door.

_Go away! Go away! You're ruining everything!_

The door opened and Matt looked in horror around the mess of the room. He blinked and stared at the sobbing Lovino next to the dresser, blood running down his arm. Matt walked over to him and knelt down hugging him.

"Are you okay, Lovi?" He grabbed his arm and sighed in relief that it was superficial.

"Leave me alone," Lovino sobbed in a whisper.

"No. You're not in any state to be alone," Matthew rocked back and forth. "I'm going stay up all night to make sure you don't do something you'll regret. Talk to me, Lovino."

"I can't. Oh, god, I can't," Lovino said hysterically as he hyperventilated.

"You'll be okay. Everything will be okay," Matthew reassured him.

_No, it won't! Nothing will ever be okay again!_

* * *

**_Thank you for reading. Please leave a review._**

**_Translations: _**

**_passerotto - little sparrow_**

**_vita mia, il luce miei occhi - my life, the light of my eye_**

**_Il mio passerotto, stei bene - my little sparrow, are you okay_**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Sorry this was late. I have been writing and rewriting this chapter, so I hope you like it.**_

* * *

Lovino woke up to the sound of birds chirping. He sat up and noticed his door was open. Matthew was sleeping in the hall on his mattress that Lovino could see he'd pulled from his bed. The bedroom was a mess. Things were still thrown around after Lovino's meltdown the night before. Lovino remembered it all too well. He'd cried himself to sleep, refusing to speak to Matthew, as his friend had laid next to him and rubbed his back. Tears filled Lovino's eyes. He glanced at the cut on his arm and shook his head at how superficial it was. He wanted to try again. He _had_ to. Feli was dead. He was dead to his father. What did he have to live for? _Maybe the conversation had been a dream..._

His stomach twisted causing him to run to the bathroom and puke. He flushed the toilet and sat back. _He was pregnant._ Despite having heard it the night before, it hadn't sunk in until that moment. He placed a hand on his lower abdomen, rubbing it gently with his thumb. All thoughts of hurting himself left his head. New tears formed in his eyes. He felt a strange, warm feeling fill his body. He almost laughed from it. If he didn't know better, he'd say he was...happy? Love? He wasn't sure.

"We'll be okay," he whispered, a small smile on his face.

A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts. He stood up and opened to find Matthew rubbing his eyes sleepily, his glasses pushed up on his head. Lovino threw his arms around him.

"Thank you, Mattie."

"What are friends for?" Matthew smiled. "Are you okay? You were really upset last night."

"Um…" Lovino glanced away. He didn't want to talk about that right now. "I don't know. I will be."

"Okay. Are you sick? I thought I heard you puke."

"I'm just...nauseous," Lovino muttered. He couldn't tell anyone else until he told Antonio, but he wasn't sure that he could. Matthew studied him for a moment before nodding.

"I'll go make breakfast. You should shower and get dressed. I'm giving you thirty minutes until I come check on you, Don't try anything, Lovino."

"Okay. I promise, you don't have to worry. I can't do that now," Lovino crossed his arms protectively over his lower stomach.

It was so strange to him how he was feeling this way so suddenly. He was still scared out of his mind and the thought that he'd lost his family was still extremely painful, but a part of him was already attached to his child. He was also hoping that it had been a dream or that his father had just been initially angry. He'd turn around, right? Especially at the prospect of a grandchild.

"Okay. I'm assuming you're not going to come running with me this morning, so I'm going to wait for my brother or Antonio to come over before I go. I don't want to leave you alone."

"I…" Lovino chewed his lip. He'd gone running either every morning or every afternoon since he was in high school, but he wasn't sure if he could anymore. He wasn't sure if he wanted to . "Yeah, I'm not feeling up to going. You don't have to wait. Go on. I'm fine. I promise."

"Lovino, you had a compass to your arm last night. I'm not leaving you alone. Now go shower and get dressed. I'm not letting your mope either. We'll talk later."

Matthew walked out of the room and Lovino sighed. He got undressed and looked at himself in the mirror. He tried to imagine himself with a large belly. He even took a deep breath and arched his back to get an idea. He relaxed and sighed. He rubbed his stomach with a small smile. How did he already love his baby this much? It almost numbed the pain and fear.

Lovino showered and got dressed quickly. He was just about to leave his room when his phone rang. The number was blocked. Lovino sighed and answered.

"Hello?"

"Lovi?!" the voice cried shock.

"Feli?!" Lovino's eyes widened as he sank down to his bed. "Are you…?"

"I'm so happy you're alive!" Feliciano cried. "I thought you were hurt or dead! Papa said you got in a crash and I couldn't see you or talk to you anymore. I called just wanting to hear your voice message because I like to hear you talk when I'm sad since you used to tell me stories when I was sad, and I wasn't expecting you."

"I'm okay. I'm so good right now. Fuck…" Lovino pinched the bridge of his nose to keep from crying. "I thought...I thought you died."

"What? Why would I be…" Feliciano gasped. "Papa lied to us! Why?"

"Because...because I'm gay and I'm having a baby," Lovino whispered.

"Okay...but what's wrong with that?" Feli asked.

"I-I-I don't know," Lovino said quietly. "I mean, I'm really scared to have a baby. I didn't want to have a baby, but Feli?"

"Yeah?"

"I really love my baby. I woke up this morning and, like, it's strange because last night I was so sad, but this morning when I remembered there was a baby…"

"Aw, you already have mommy instincts! My big brother is so cute!"

"I guess I do…" Lovino muttered picking at the blanket.

"Are you going to tell Antonio?"

"Um...that's kind of one of the things I'm scared about." Lovino hugged his knees. "He kind of made it clear he's not wanting kids for like another ten years."

"Lovino, if he really didn't want kids that badly, he wouldn't be having sex so much," Feliciano said, in one of the rare moments that reminded Lovino that his little brother was in fact sixteen and not a child.

"You don't usually expect your boyfriend to get pregnant."

"So he's your boyfriend now?" Feli giggled.

"No, but...I don't know. I don't want to label it, but…"

"I understand. I personally don't understand all of that. Romantic feelings are just so...strange. I don't know. It's messy and complicated. But if you feel that way, go ahead and make a move. Just because I don't feel that way, doesn't mean you do."

"Lovino, are you okay?" Matthew asked, poking his head into the room.

"Yeah. I'm talking to my brother," Lovino replied with a smile on his lips.

"Okay."

Lovino turned back to the conversation. "Sorry, Matthew was checking on me."

"Aw, I love Matthew! Why was he doing that?"

"I just wasn't well last night."

"Oh, are you better this morning?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome! Okay, so I think we definitely need to get back at Papa. That was so mean! I can't wait for the baby. I'm going to be a zio and my big brother's going to be a mommy!"

"Papa," Lovino corrected.

"Whatever. So can you come to my hospital room later? We can totally surprise him!" Feli giggled.

"Sure. I have to go though. I love you, Feli. I don't say it often though, so you better listen good and not make a big deal," Lovino huffed.

"Okay! I love you too, big brother. I'll see you soon! Ciao!"

"Ciao."

Lovino hung up the phone and sigh happily, a huge grin on his face. Feliciano was okay. He fixed his hair in an attempt to look nice for when Antonio got there. He paused. Since when did dress up for him? Lovino chewed his lip as fear welled inside him. He was getting to emotionally invested. That was the only explanation.

He set a hand on his stomach and looked at himself. What would happen when he told Antonio? If the man rejected him, would he be able to deal with it? He swallowed hard. Could he do this alone? He took a deep breath and braced himself on his dresser.

"What am I supposed to do, bambino?"

A wave of nausea met him. He rolled his eyes and walked out of his room. He was getting tired of feeling so sick. How long was it supposed to last? He didn't know what he'd do if this went on for the next thirty or so weeks. He plopped on the couch and hugged his knees to his chest as all his emotions washed over him. Fear, pain, love, happiness, excitement, sadness...it was all so confusing. He didn't know how he truly felt for the first time in his life.

He picked at the eggs and pancakes Matthew made him. The smell of the eggs alone was getting to him. He tried to keep them away from the pancakes, but when he accidentally got a mouth of eggs with his pancakes, his stomach protested. He ran to the sink and let it go.

"Lovino, are you okay?"

"I'm just sick," Lovino mumbled. _I bet Antonio's eggs wouldn't make me sick_. Lovino shook his head at the thought. Where had that come from?

Matthew stared at him a few moments, searching his face for something before sighing. He commanded Lovino to sit on the couch and watch television while he cleaned the dishes. He gave him some ginger tea to settle his stomach and some broth and crackers. Lovino ate slowly as he half watched the movie. He needed to look up what to avoid. He was not fond of this stupid morning sickness.

A knock on the door tore him from his thoughts. He sighed. It was probably Alfred. He was always losing his key. Lovino went to set his cup down only to have Matthew stop him. He opened the door and stepped back to let Antonio in. Matthew muttered something to him and handed him a cup. Antonio glanced at Lovino with a slight frown, before his face softened into a smile. He glided over to where Lovino was on the couch and sat down next to him pushing the cup into his hands.

"Matthew says you need to drink more of this stuff for your stomach. Are you okay? Matt told me you had a pretty rough night and have been pukey this morning. What happened?" Antonio brushed Lovino's hair back.

"Um...I...I came out to my dad last night…" Lovino mumbled sitting up, staring at his tea.

"Oh, how'd it go?"

"Not...not well," Lovino cursed himself as tear fell down his cheeks. "Tonio, I don't have a family anymore."

"What?" Antonio gasped.

"He doesn't want Feli and I contacting anymore," Lovino left out that his father had technically told him his brother died. "He hates me."

"Sweetheart…" Antonio looked like he was about to cry himself.

He took the tea from Lovino and pulled him into his arms and laid back. Lovino gripped onto the front of Antonio's shirt as he allowed himself to sob into his chest. Something about the way Antonio's cologne smelled calmed him and caused his nausea to subside. Antonio running his fingers through the younger man's hair and the other hand rubbing Lovino's back was soothing. Lovino felt himself drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Lovino woke up to Alfred yelling at the video game he was playing with Matthew. It looked like he was getting his butt kicked. Antonio was still holding him, laughing at Alfred.

"You're so bad at this game, Alfie! I thought you said you were a natural?"

"I am! Matthew is cheating!" the boy protested.

"I'm not. You just suck," Matthew said nonchalantly.

Lovino sat up and smiled as Antonio kissed him gently. He hugged his neck and buried his face in his shoulder. He didn't even care that Alfred and Matthew were in the same room. Ordinarily he would have, but something in him had changed in the past two weeks. He'd wanted to be around him all the time. He hadn't cared who was around to see. It was so odd to Lovino, but he figured now that it had to do with being pregnant.

"How are you feeling?" Antonio asked.

"Still kind of nauseous. I think it's going to be that way though...for a while."

"Why do you say that?" Antonio laughed, his green eyes sparkling.

"Um...I just do…" Lovino mumbled playing with his sleeve.

"Finals? You put so much stress on yourself, Lovi. Dios mio, you need to relax. I'm going to make you some chicken noodle soup."

Antonio stood up and pulled Lovino behind him as they walked through the the living room, avoiding bothering the other two men in the room. Lovino was surprised when Antonio led him to his bedroom. Antonio sat the boy on the bed and grabbed the desk chair to face Lovino.

"So tell me, are you actually sick sick or stress sick?" Antonio stared at him, making Lovino shift uncomfortably.

Lovino thought about saying it. It seemed so simple. _I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. You're going to be a father._ They all seemed so simple to say. Any pick Lovino chose appeared to be so simple, but any time Lovino opened his mouth to say it, he couldn't speak. He was trembling.

"Stress, I guess. Hormones. Just the whole situation," Lovino muttered.

"Look, you told me your family is really close. I'm sure in a few days, your dad will come around. When I told my parents I was bisexual, there was a lot of crying...a lot. My dad wouldn't talk to me for like a week and when he finally did, I was in my room doing homework, angry and hurt. He sits down on my bed and tells me that he didn't understand, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I'm sure the same will happen, especially since your brother's so sick. Families shouldn't break up during this time."

"You don't know my dad, Toni. He's from a really strict family with very conservative views. Like my grandparents threw my parents out of Italy because my mom got pregnant with me before they were married. I…" Lovino shook his head trying to push the tears back. "I don't think he'll change his mind."

Antonio chewed his lip and ran a hand through his curly hair. He let out a soft, nervous laugh and met Lovino's eyes. Lovino's breath caught as Antonio stood up and sat next to him, running his fingers up and down the man's sides.

"Then I'll be your family," Antonio whispered and brushed his lips against Lovino's. "Me, Matt, Alfie, Francis, Emma, Gil, we'll be your family. And you have your brother still. You're not alone, okay? I know you haven't met my friends yet, but Matt knows them and he likes them."

"You...you want to be my family?" Lovino's eyes widened. Maybe this would be easier than he thought.

"Of course," Antonio smiled.

"Oh...wow.." Lovino breathed.

Antonio stood up and announced he was going to make Lovino some chicken noodle soup. "You, mi corazon, will rest. No studying or writing term papers. You need to recover. Sleep if you want to, read a book, call your brother. It doesn't matter, just rest."

Lovino nodded and watched Antonio make his way to the door. His head was screaming for him to tell Antonio. It wasn't as if the baby was going to disappear and even if Lovino had a miscarriage, he didn't want to be alone through that. He loved his little peanut inside him. Antonio's hand was on the knob.

"Toni?" Lovino said quietly.

"Yes?"

"Um, the reason that I'm so...off...the reason I'm sick is because I'm p-"

"You're stressed. I know. That's why you need sleep and you need to be pampered. No more debating."

Antonio disappeared and Lovino fell back against the bed with a sigh. He felt like such an idiot. He had the moment and lost it. Antonio wanted to be his family and he couldn't even tell him he was pregnant. The word had been right there. It was about to come out, but he had been so stupid to not finish, to let Antonio go to the kitchen to cook, to be in his world not knowing he was going to be a father in thirty some-odd weeks.

The house filled with the smell of chicken noodle soup as Lovino studied. He knew that Antonio would be upset, but he needed to study. Not studying would stress him out even more. He'd been too distracted lately between Feliciano being ill and Antonio. He felt behind. He needed to keep working hard if he was going to maintain his 4.0.

Antonio came in, interrupting him with two bowls of soup, Matthew behind him with more ginger tea. Lovino hid his textbook and rolled his eyes as his friend forced another cup of tea into his hand, as if he wasn't having to pee every few minutes as it was already. He took it graciously and he and Antonio sat in comfortable silence eating and drinking their tea.

Lovino's mind was wandering to all the possibilities. Would he have a boy or girl? Would they look like him or Antonio or both? What would be their favorite color? It was a pleasant change of pace from the initial shock and the subsequent worrying. It was exhausting though, going back and forth.

"What are you thinking about?" Antonio asked cheerfully.

"Just things. Hey-"

"Are you still stressed?" Antonio took the empty bowl from Lovino and set it on the bedside table.

"Yeah…" Lovino mumbled.

"We could...destress," Antonio giggled, nibbling Lovino's neck.

Lovino pushed him away roughly, a scowl on his face. "Stop it." His voice was more firm than he had meant of it be. Lovino instantly felt bad as Antonio recoiled.

"Lovi, it _will _make you less stressed. It's a science."

"I don't care!" Lovino jumped up. "I don't want to have sex! I'm tired. I don't feel well. I want to curl up and cry my eyes out. It's your fault I feel like this in the first place with fucking sex!" Lovino glared at Antonio through his tears. "I feel this way because of you. I _never_ felt like this until you and you just…"

Antonio's arms were around him instantly. "I'm sorry. Lovi, it's okay. We can just cuddle if that's what you want. Or I can go home. I really don't mind. It's up to you. I want you to be happy."

It _did_ sound nice. Lovino nodded and pulled Antonio to the bed. He moved his textbook, getting a cheeky comment from Antonio that he responded with sarcastically. He waited for Antonio to lay down before getting in the bed himself. He cuddled against Antonio and laid his ear against his chest, closing his eyes. The younger man was instantly calmed by the steady beating. He didn't feel nauseous anymore. He didn't feel scared. He felt so peaceful, like everything would be okay.

* * *

_**Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**I hope everyone's finals are going well. You are all so smart and amazing. You'll do great. Good luck everyone! **_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

Lovino stood outside his brother's hospital room. He knew Feli was okay. They had just spoken, but part of him was worried it was a dream and when he opened the door there would be someone else sitting there. He took a few deep breaths and walked in.

Feliciano was laying on his bed watching something on TV. He looked so sick. He didn't look over to the door. He was wearing the beanie that Lovino bought him, his face was just as hairless as his head, no lashes or brows. His lips were chapped and was pale. He just looked so tired. Maybe the stress of his older brother's pregnancy could be to much.

Lovino shook his head. He needed to stop letting his mind work like this. He closed the door quietly and stood near it awkwardly, just watching Feli making sure he wasn't imagining it. He rubbed his arm and cleared his throat to get the boy's attention.

Feliciano glanced over at him, his face lighting up, pushing away all signs of illness. He sat up and turned off the television. "Lovi!" he giggled.

"Ciao…" Lovino mumbled, tugging on his sleeve.

"Aren't you going to come say hi to me? Don't just stand there!" Feli coaxed, holding his arms out for a hug.

Lovino chewed his lip for a moment before going to his brother. He had to keep himself from running. As soon as his arms were around him, he started sobbing. He couldn't believe Feli was okay. He was here. Feliciano rubbed his brother's back, trying to calm him. Eventually Lovino, was able to stop crying and sat next to his the boy in the bed, leaning against his brother's shoulder.

"So...how is the little bambino?" Feli asked, grinning widely.

"Huh...oh, um...okay, I guess. It's only been a week since I even knew they existed," Lovino rested a hand on his stomach subconsciously at the mention of his child.

"And how is the mommy doing?" Feli hugged his brother's arm and smiled at him. Lovino rolled his eyes.

"I don't know…" Lovino pulled at the rubber band on his wrist. He'd found that having something fiddle with lately had really helped his nerves. He hadn't even realized he'd had a rubber band still on his arm until the sharp sting hit his skin.

"How do you not know?" Feli asked, coughing a bit.

"I'm just...I'm so tired all the time. Apparently growing a child is a lot of work, even when you can't tell. Gosh, Feli, I'm throwing up almost as much as you. I can't really eat much at all. Everything just sounds so disgusting. I'm so scared and...and I feel so alone, you know?" Lovino brushed a tear off his face.

Feliciano stared at his brother before humming quietly, cocking his head to the side. "Well that explains why you look really crappy."

"Thanks…" Lovino glared.

"No! I'm just…" Feliciano thought for a moment. "I'm just saying you look like you haven't slept and are getting sick, but it's okay!"

"Yeah...I hear that the second trimester is pretty smooth typically. Dio, I hope that's true. How can something the size of a grape do this? I'm such a fucking wreck. Like I can't keep a stable mood. I can't! And everything with Papa...Feli, I'm so glad you're okay," Lovino hugged Feliciano again and kissed his cheek. "You're the only one who knows and you're the only person that I know is supportive."

"Lovi?" Feli asked, taking his hand. "Did you...Are you...If you're so scared, did you ever think about not keeping it?"

Lovino recoiled from Feliciano and jumped off the bed, slowly backing up as tears welled in his eyes while he shook his head. "Feli, why...why would you…? I love my baby."

"I know! I know! I do too, I just thought because of how sad and scared you are you may have thought about it. You're not yourself lately and it's scary."

"I couldn't...I never thought about that. It never even crossed my mind. I was in so much shock the first night and then Papa basically disowned me that night and I...I didn't really think about that. I was just so lost and then I woke up the next morning and I was in love with my baby even though I'm scared shitless," Lovino pulled at the band again. "Fuck, I'm being selfish. How are you?" Lovino sat back on the bed.

"You're not being selfish. I don't mind if you cry to me about stuff as long as you're not too sad. I'm okay. I'm just in here because my counts are too low and they think I may be getting a cold, so I have to be here. It's so boring. Do you remember the child life specialist? He's been bringing me things to do and we talk. I have a tutor to help me through school. Papa's decided it would be best for me not to go anymore with how easy it is to catch a cold now. It's all free! Isn't that amazing?" Feliciano smiled.

The door opened, causing Lovino's heart to be in his throat. Roma froze at the sight of Lovino. Feliciano crossed his arms and gave their father an angry look. Lovino couldn't move. He held his breath waiting for his father's warm smile or him to say hello using the familiar nickname he'd called him since before he was born. _Passerotto, per favor, call me passerotto,_ Lovino willed. Feliciano glanced at Lovino to make sure he was giving the same stern look and whined about he wasn't going by the plan.

"What's going on, Feliciano?" Roma growled.

"Why did you tell us the other was dead?" Feli asked, his voice stronger than Lovino ever remembered it being.

"I don't want you around such bad influences." Roma glared at Lovino.

"Trust me, Lovi is not the bad influence. Do you realize I'm sick, Papa? I have cancer. You want to take my brother away from me? He is having your grandchild! Do you really want him alone through all of this? Lovi doesn't know how to tell Antonio about the baby and you're not helping!" Feliciano put an arm protectively around his brother's shoulders. "And you are going to listen to him! I think you're being so childish t not talk to him."

"I have nothing to say," Roma hissed, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head back slightly.

"I do," Lovino whispered.

"I don't care."

"Papa, you _will_ listen to him, or I'm telling Emma I don't want you in my room," Feliciano warned.

"Fine." Roma leaned against the wall.

"Go on, Lovi." Feliciano smiled at him encouragingly.

"Papa, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you about Antonio. I'm sorry I had unprotected sex. I'm sorry I'm gay. I am. I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect son that you wanted. I tried and I just got so upset over Feli, I let my guard down, but Papa? Papa, I can't go back, and I'm pregnant and I'm scared. I need you, Papa," Lovino whispered the last bit.

Roma stood and beckoned for his son. Lovino stood up slowly and walked over to him, a small smile dancing on his lips. Roma led him outside. The hall was empty, but they stayed in the indent in the wall that was made for better privacy of the rooms. Roma hugged him, Lovino melting into the hug. _Finally, I have my papa._

"I want you to carry this child, endure the aches and pains that come with it. I want you to agonize through the labor of your first child. I want you to feel the pain your mother went through with you. You push that child out, screaming and crying and begging for it to be over, just like your mother. No pain medications. Your mother never had that luxury. Suffer to pay for your sins," Roma whispered in his ear.

Lovino pulled back and tearfully nodded at his father's demands. "Okay, yeah, okay, Papa. Then will everything be okay?"

Roma took the boy's face in his hands, stroking his cheeks gently with is thumbs. His brown eyes twinkled with the same expression that Lovino was so used to seeing when his father looked at him and Feliciano. Suddenly the man's eyes changed, flashed to something akin to hatred.

"After you go through all of that pain and suffering, while you are still torn, bruised, swollen and bleeding from the trauma of birth having known the pain of your mother, I want you to be holding you child while they die in your arms. Only then will it be okay. Only then, will you know the pain you're putting me through right now." Roma kissed his son's cheek before going back into Feliciano's room, leaving Lovino in shock.

Lovino tried to breathe, but no air would enter his lungs. Finally he took a few gasping breaths before he found himself collapsing against the wall as sobs wracked his body. His father wanted him to suffer beyond suffering. His father wanted him to have his child die. That was the only way everything could be okay, but it would never be okay. Lovino realized that as he ran out of the hospital to his car.

* * *

Lovino kneeled in the pews, tears streaming down his face as he held the rosary and prayed. He didn't even know if the God he'd grown up knowing was there or cared for him. His father was right. He was disgusting. He deserved this pain, this anguish. He didn't know what else to do. He was so close to the edge. He'd almost killed himself last night and he couldn't slip again. The child growing inside him needed him. And so he turned to the only thing he knew to be bigger than his father. He begged for forgiveness, to not be afflicted with this illness that his father told him had. How many times had he prayed to change? How many times had he begged for the attraction and urges to leave him? What about the countless times he's sobbed over in Confession?

Lovino stood up when his legs began to cramp and sat down in the pews, sobbing into his hands. He felt so alone, so abandoned. The only thing he could think of was the church he'd grown up in. That was the only way to make this okay. He could join the priesthood and make a vow of celibacy from that day forward, then he would never have to fear slipping up and sleeping with a beautiful man again.

"Lovino?"

The boy looked up and saw the priest he'd known his whole life sitting next to him. How long had been sitting there? How much had he heard? Lovino pushed the panic away. His prayers had been in Italian. There was no way the man would have known.

"I'm sorry, Father," Lovino said, quickly adjusting his clothes. The priest handed him a few tissues. Lovino took them gratefully thanking him.

"You've been praying for two hours now, crying the entire time. I have never seen you in such a state. I'm available for Confession if you wish."

Lovino shook his head, the rosary making soft clicking sounds as the beads hit each other from his trembling hands. "I-I can't," he whispered. "It's too bad. I can't be forgiven."

"My son, have you paid attention to Mass a day in the past twenty years you've been coming here? We worship a loving, forgiving lord. There is nothing you could possibly have done that would be beyond forgiveness if your heart and soul desire it."

"No," Lovino shook his head. "I am so evil inside. God's punishing me for it. Papa said so and I think he's right. It's my fault Feliciano's sick. Oh, god, it's all my fault," Lovino started to sob once more.

"What is it that you did that is so terrible?"

"I...I tried so hard, Father. I did everything I could to prevent it and it happened anyway. Why did He make me like this? I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough. I gave in and everything is over."

"Are you referring to your feelings that we've discussed?" the priest asked softly.

"Yes. I...I met this man and I knew, I knew I wanted him. I tried so hard to stay away, but he was always there and I...I gave in and we had sex...a lot of sex. I think I may love him, but I'm so scared to admit it. I found out I'm going to have a baby. How fucked up is that? I'm a man and I"m going to have a child. My father hates me. He disowned me. He told me I was sick with evil and God was punishing me and that it's my fault Feli's sick. He says that God is going to kill Feliciano because I love him so much and I deserve to be miserable. He told me that he hopes when I give birth, I can't stand the pain. He says I don't deserve medication and I don't. I don't." Lovino shook his head. "If my father's right, if I deserve nothing but misery, will my baby die in my arms? I can't stand that thought."

The priest was silent for a moment, taking it all in. Lovino took his silence for disgust and a sob escaped him. He slid out of the pew onto his knees ready to pray again. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Lovino, talk to me."

The boy shakily sat down and hugged himself. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Your father is wrong."

"What?" Lovino gaped at the man.

"A father is not supposed to talk to his son in such a way. Children are blessings and to decide that you want nothing to do with a child is wrong. He also misunderstands. A child is never a punishment, only a blessing. The pain of childbirth brings one closer to God. You sacrifice so that your child can have life. It's a noble and beautiful thing. Your decision for your labor is your choice. If you can't stand the pain and want the medicine, then take the blessing, my son. I've known you since you were born. I baptised you and confirmed you into this faith and I know how much you have struggled. Be happy, Lovino. You are not a bad person. You do not deserve misery. You only deserve peace and happiness. Being in my position, I've witnessed many servants of God beg to be healed and I've witnessed some be driven to suicide. I've seen them enter marriages filled with misery only to divorce. I see nothing good come of discouraging it. I've seen people accept it and live happy, beautiful lives. Be happy, Lovino."

"But it's a sin," Lovino shuddered.

"We are _all_ sinners. Who should judge you? Nobody has that right. You are a good person. Be happy."

"I...I…"

"If this man makes you happy, if you love him, go. It is the only road I've seen that ends well. You have so much good in you, Lovino, and it would be a shame to throw it away. Love is nothing to be ashamed of."

"Yes, Father. Thank you. Oh, god, thank you!" Lovino laughed.

"And Lovino?"

"Yes?" the boy stared up at the priest, a weight lifted off his shoulder. He wanted to run to Antonio and hug him and tell him how much loved him.

"I expect to be the one you choose baptize your child. I expect this man is a Catholic as well?"

"Of course, Father. Yes, yes, he is."

"Good. Peace be with you, my son."

"And with you," Lovino breathed before leaving the church.

Lovino made his way home, entering his apartment, visibly shaken. Matthew instantly noticed and questioned his friend. Lovino sat and talked with Matthew for hours telling everything, but leaving out the pregnancy. He had never cried so much in his life. It was as though the world was crashing down around him. Matthew made him dinner. They ate silently before Lovino went to his room.

The man laid in his bed thinking about everything. He needed give in. Antonio wanted a relationship. He said he would wait forever. He loved him. Lovino picked up his phone to call him. He wanted nothing more than to hear his voice. He needed to be absolutely certain he could be honest with Antonio. He needed to be closer to him.

"Bueno?" Antonio answered.

"Tonio, I had a terrible day…" Lovino whispered brushing his tears away. He proceeded to talk Antonio for the duration of the man's break. He told him how he was feeling and everything he wanted, again leaving out the parts about the pregnancy and only hinting slightly at a future.

* * *

Antonio dragged himself to his bed, almost collapsing with sheer mental exhaustion. Something was wrong. It scared him. He would be feeling so euphoric and suddenly, without warning feel so drained. He couldn't let anyone see what was going on. No, he could never do that. He was the happy one, the one that always wore a smile and joked around. It was who he was. Covering it up was even more exhausting that the sudden changes. He hated the decisions he made. It was as if he were almost incapable of thinking before acting.

A choked sob escaped him into the pillow as he thought of what Lovino was going through. The man couldn't imagine what it was like to lose everything you cared about overnight. He wondered how someone could disown their child over something as innocent as being gay. Antonio knew he was part of the reason that Lovino had even come out. Lovino kept saying it was his fault. He knew it was. He hated himself for playing this game with someone like Lovino. He was so innocent. Sobs wracked the man's body. Why did he choose Lovino? Why?

He had known what he was doing. When did he become this person? He would never have been the type to take advantage of someone. Hadn't it all started when he and Francis made a bet on who could hook up the most in a month. Antonio had been tired of one night stands and he knew he'd have a higher chance of winning if he'd gotten with someone in a type of relationship. Why Lovino? Because it was easy…

Antonio sighed and buried his head in his pillow, allowing his body to give way to what it wanted, to sob and sleep. That was the thing, he couldn't sleep. He didn't have the energy to cry beyond the small sob. What was wrong? It was terrifying. He'd only let Emma see a part of it, and she'd gotten freaked out. They weren't like they used to be. Things were getting worse little by little and he had no control. He thoughts got so jumbled at times. Though as much as he wanted know the what it was, another part of him, a bigger part maybe, was too afraid of what it might be.

He laid in bed for who knew how long, unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to move or eat. He'd heard Francis come home a few hours ago. Emma had gotten home from her shift and left for a date with Matthew. There was life beyond his door. Maybe...maybe if he forced himself out, he could feel okay. He wanted so desperately to be back to where he'd been before. He missed who he used to be and that person was quickly fading.

Antonio peeled himself out of the bed and walked toward the door. It was as though he were trying to run through water with weights tied to his limbs and head. The knob seemed impossibly high. He slowly turned it and walked out, forcing a smile on his face.

Francis was sitting on the living room floor, hair hair in a messy ponytail with strands falling down into his face. He had grown to be so beautiful. He would have never guessed that his dorky, awkward, ugly duckling friend would have been so breathtaking one day. Antonio leaned against the wall and watched him write names of his kindergarten students on small name cutout turkeys.

"Do you need help?" Antonio asked, trying his best to be cheerful.

Francis looked at him with his piercing blue-violet eyes. He smiled and pushed the blonde curls from his face. "Oui! I didn't know you were home."

Antonio laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair absently. "I've been napping."

"Oh? Trying to hard to win our bet, huh?" Francis flashed him a playful glance.

"No, I don't even care about that anymore," Antonio said softly, sitting down and taking the list that Francis handed to him. "I don't want to hurt him…"

"So now you care?" Francis threw his hands in the air. "Finally! I was getting scared when Gilbert started having higher morals than you. Besides you already won. I haven't hooked up a single time."

"Oh," Antonio wrote a name and tossed the turkey with the rest.

"Toni?" Francis said, breaking the silence.

"Hm?"

"Have you...You can't just take the kid's virginity and drop him like a piece of trash. He sounds so sweet and you have smiled more since you met him. You go out places that don't involve getting drunk, dancing and random hook ups. It's good for you, I think. You haven't really been well since you and Emma…" Francis cut off. "Are you…?"

Antonio sighed. Wasn't that the topic these any time his friends noticed he was down? The fact that Emma lost their child? It had been two years, and he really couldn't have cared less about the miscarriage. He hadn't lied when he told Lovino he'd been relieved. Emma had seemed relieved too, but she'd dumped him and told him they could never be more than friends again. After six years together, it was over and surprisingly he didn't mind...at first. He'd been having a good day and nothing could bother him.

"No. Dios mio, Francis, I don't know why you keep asking me that. I don't care. I could care less. And yeah, it hurt that Emma broke up with me and I was hurt that it was over for good, but as far as the baby...I don't care."

"That's why Emma dumped you…" Francis said after a moment. "And you haven't been okay since. You've been...different. I don't know how to put it. You're like a rollercoaster. You take too many risks and you're just...you are more impulsive and I'm worried."

"I'm fine," Antonio lied. He capped the marker and hugged his knees. "Why can't games be simple? It all started out as a game. I wanted to mess with him. I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted to take his virginity and pull him out of the closet. I wanted it to be fun and when he said that he didn't want a relationship, when he was fine with casual sex, I thought it'd be great. But we do everything that boyfriends do. We don't have a label and that's the only thing. I wasn't..._we_ weren't meant to get feelings for each other. I wanted it to be a fun game, Francis."

"So it _is_ about love!" Francis smiled happily and set his face in his hands. "Tell me everything!"

Typical Francis. It really hadn't surprised Antonio that he hadn't hooked up. Francis liked sex as much as the next, but he wanted romance. He wanted to be swept off his feet. He didn't share Antonio and Gilbert's views on single life and partying until the sun came up. Francis could live that life for so long, but at the end of the day he wanted true love, romance, someone to hold when he closed his eyes. Those things just weren't that important to the other two.

"There's nothing to tell. I accomplished everything I wanted. I took it, and still do. The thing is that there are these confusing things I've been experiencing. He's cute...like really cute. Not the type of cute you use to say someone's attractive, though he is. It's more...the way he laughs and the way his eyes light up when he talks about things he loves. He's sweet and he's shy. He trusts me and I can't tell he doesn't trust many people. He's so smart and I mean, he's just...he's out of my league and this wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to start liking him. I can't even imagine breaking his heart. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't see how I can not. And his brother has cancer pretty badly and his father won't speak to him. He's so stressed out. The poor kid is so exhausted and sick. I just want to take care of him, but when I see him…"

Antonio shook his head. It was stupid. He was stupid. Everything was stupid. Of course Lovino would never like him back. Lovino had goals. He didn't need someone as worthless as Antonio weighing him down. Why would anyone like him? He was such a loser.

"Well, mon ami, it sounds like you have a little crush on this Italian boy. You know how I feel about love. Gilbert would stone me for this, but I don't care. Ask him out. Stop using him. If you care about him, if you love him, express it, but don't worry if that's not how he feels. Love can't be forced. It's fragile and should be handled with care. Treat him like you love him, and he'll come around."

"Okay…" Antonio whispered.

"Hey, Toni, don't be so glum! You'll do great. You're a sweetheart! And don't worry, things like what happened with Emma can't happen with Lovino. He's a guy. He has the wrong parts. Men don't have children."

"Yeah…" Antonio muttered and went back to writing names with his friend, his body protesting the whole while.

* * *

_**As if you couldn't tell, Roma is a pretty overly religious person and has raised both boys with strict views. Lovino has been more diligent than Feliciano as he just wants to make his father proud. Roma does take things out of control though and goes to extremes. The dynamic between those two won't get much better until probably one of the sequels. **_

_**I'm going to start incorporating small scenes from Antonio's perspective here and there from now on to give y'all and idea what's going on with him and prevent it from being so one sided. Let me know how y'all like it. Please excuse any mistakes. This has been a long week.**_

_**I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading. Please review!**_


	11. Chapter 11

Lovino slipped out from under Antonio's arm and stared at him. Dark brown curls fell into his face, his mouth upturned into a small smile. His heart skipped a beat. Even now, as Antonio slept, Lovino wanted to hold him, to be held by him. It scared him how in the course of the short time they'd been together, he'd fallen so hard.

The Italian pushed the thoughts from his head and began to get dressed. He was dreading it. It seemed as though every time he put his pants on the past two weeks, they were harder and harder to button. He pulled on his jeans, took a deep breath and sucked in his abdomen hoping to have them button, but he was met with a gap. He chewed on his lip for a moment and shook his head. He held on to the belt loops and jumped trying to pull them up higher, no luck. Last he tried laying on the ground to allow gravity to help him button up. He groaned and rubbed his face.

He knew it wasn't his baby, but bloating from the water weight. He was only eleven weeks meaning his little bun was still in his pelvis. Pretty soon the uterus would peak it's head above and not long after that, he'd start having a small bump. He glanced back at Antonio, who remained sleeping. He'd notice sooner or later. Lovino stood up and huffed going to his closet and pulling out some track pants.

"Mmm, buenas dias," Antonio murmured from the bed. He sat up and stretched as he yawned, before smiling sleepily at Lovino. "Are you going to come back in bed? It's Saturday."

"Good morning. Um...I…" Lovino walked over to the bed. "Do you think I've gained weight? Be honest. I won't be mad, I swear. Do I look it?"

"Of course not, Lovi," Antonio chuckled and pulled Lovino to him. Antonio kissed his cheek gently, tickling Lovino's face with his prickly morning shadow. "Why do you ask?"

"I can't button my jeans. I think it's water weight, but I wanted to ask."

"Sweetheart, you need to stay hydrated! What did I tell you?" Antonio joked a stern tone.

"I'm trying…" Lovino muttered rolling his eyes.

"If you're so worried about gaining weight, we can go for round two," Antonio smirked at him playfully.

"Matthew and I go running every day. It burns more calories." Lovino kissed Antonio and got up.

"Yeah, but it's not as fun," Antonio pouted.

Lovino stared at Antonio. He was starting to feel like all Antonio ever wanted from him was sex. When was the last night Lovino even was able to initiate? Antonio really controlled what they did, that was for sure. He shifted uncomfortably at the thought. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath hoping and praying he was wrong. He couldn't handle being used right now. He had to believe that Antonio meant what he said. He couldn't do this on his own.

"What's wrong?" Antonio asked, taking Lovino's hands.

"Nothing. I'm going to go with Matt. We go every day. It's really great."

"Why would you do that?" Antonio giggled, getting up and getting dressed.

"I've done it almost everyday since I was fifteen. There was just one day where I couldn't deal with things anymore. I had been slammed into a locker one too many times at school, jumped one too many times going to pick up Feli, and had my brother be threatened for the millionth time and I was just sick of it. I got home and Feli was taking a nap and I just needed out, so I decided to go for a walk, but it felt like I couldn't breathe. My steps got faster and faster until I was running and suddenly my head was clear, the stress was lifting and I got home and didn't feel like crying for the first time since I was eleven. I was happy when I got home and just felt at ease, so like I've been running ever since," Lovino smiled.

"That sounds nice. I'm going to go then. I have work in a few hours. I'll bring you food tonight, okay? Matt's closing, so I'm thinking we can have a movie night. We can have dinner, have some snacks and just pig out on sweets. Please? Oh and then cuddle on the couch until you fall asleep? You've really been falling asleep a lot lately. Are you sure you're okay?" Antonio's eyes sparkled as he looked at him.

"That sounds...great actually," Lovino smiled and hugged the man. "You better bring me chocolate and lots of it."

"I will," Antonio laughed. He pulled Lovino to him by the small of his back and held him tightly for a moment before pressing their lips together softly. His eyes examined Lovino's. "Your eyes are golden today."

"Oh…" Lovino looked to the side. Was that a problem?

"Your eyes change color. It's just breathtaking how golden they are. I love your eyes."

"Oh," Lovino bit his lip and looked down, his cheeks warming slightly.

"Lovino?" Antonio's eyes ran over Lovino's face.

"Hm?"

"Do you have anything you want to tell me? I can't shake the feeling that you want to say something."

Lovino's heart skipped a beat. He had to tell him. It was such a perfect time. He was right here, asking, willing to listen. Lovino took a deep breath and let it out. He stepped out of Antonio's grip and sat him down. Antonio stared at him with those playful green eyes, making him nervous and calm at the same time. Lovino's hand subconsciously floated to his stomach.

"So, um, I know you don't, um...I know you don't want to have kids anytime soon, but like, what if you did...have one, I mean."

"No," Antonio laughed and shook his head. "That'd be it."

"Okay, but like, don't you think you'd love them?"

"I don't know. I didn't really care with Emma. Why are you asking?" Antonio shifted, running his hand through his curls.

"Toni, I love you…a lot, and I want you to know that-"

"You love me?" Antonio interrupted, a smile spreading over his face. "Dios mio!" He jumped up and hugged Lovino tightly. "I love you too! Oh, Lovi, are you planning our future or something like a little school girl? You're so cute! I'd love to have kids with you. We could adopt some sweet little ninos! It'd be so great. I'd be Papa of course. You can be Daddy. We have to make it another ten years, though." Antonio laughed.

"Toni, I-"

"You're so sweet! Okay, mi amor, I'll see you tonight," Antonio beamed and kissed Lovino before skipping out of the room rambling on in Spanish and giggling.

Lovino sighed and rubbed his face. He plopped on the bed, rubbing his stomach. "Bambino, I'm sorry I haven't told him yet. I'm trying." He sighed and stared at the ceiling. "It's not hard, right? Why should it be hard? 'Toni, I"m pregnant.' See. I said it. I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a baby."

A small knock at the door caused Lovino's stomach to drop. He sat up suddenly to find Matt standing in the open doorway, looking at the ground. Had he heard? The door hadn't opened. Antonio must of left it open. Shit…

"Mattie, um…"

"Hey, are you ready to go running?" Matthew asked with a smile as he straightening his glasses.

"Yeah. Matt, did you...um...did you hear me?"

"Hm?" Matthew gave him a confused look. "Hear what?"

"Nothing," Lovino smiled. Grazie a Dio! "Let's go."

Lovino ran silently. He and Matthew never talked on their runs. Matthew would put in his earbuds and blast music, while Lovino liked to tune everything out besides the light tap as his shoes hit the pavement and his heavy breathing. Lovino stopped in front of the apartment building and stretched as he waited for Matthew to catch up.

"That was a really great run," Lovino smiled happily as the made their way upstairs. "I'm feeling extra energized. It's strange."

"I'm so happy to hear that. I'm going to shower and then I have to work. I'm sorry. I'd really like to talk with you about how things are going, but I can't be late," Matthew frowned apologetically.

"It's okay," Lovino smiled as he pulled some cherry tomatoes out of the refrigerator and started popping them in his mouth.

"Drink water, Lovi," Matthew reminded his friend as he walked out of the room.

Lovino sighed to himself as he drank. His mind was clear now. He could get some early studying over with before dead week officially began so that everything was squared away for when Antonio came over tonight.

He hummed to himself as he made his way to his room. He pulled his books out to have them ready once he finished his shower. He spotted a soccer ball under his bed and smiled realizing that was where Feli has lost it. He picked it up and thought for a moment. I wonder what it'll look like when my belly gets big… Lovino walked to the bathroom and gently put it under his shirt and looked at himself in the mirror before turning to the side. He smiled as he decided he was definitely going to be a cute pregnant person. He took the ball out and rolled it out of the bathroom before taking his shower.

* * *

Lovino jumped when he phone rang loudly and suddenly next to him, sending his books bouncing slightly on the bed. He rolled his eyes and answered to be greeting by his brother.

"Lovino, when are you going to come visit me? I'm so bored. I hate being in the hospital and they're making me do chemo again. I don't like being alone here. Papa's at work, so he can't be here. You can visit right?"

"Of course," Lovino said softly.

He bit his lip. He was taking too many breaks from studying since all of this happened and his life changed forever. It was really getting to him, but then again, he should be getting used to it. Once the baby came, he'd have a lot distracting him from school. He hoped so badly he could finish, but the more time passed the less sure he was that he'd ever be able to finish school. He had to tell Antonio soon. He was going to need help and support if he really intended to see this through.

"Yay! Right now?"

"Yeah."

Lovino finished his conversation and went to visit his brother. Feliciano was sicker today than he had been in the past. He couldn't sit up to greet his brother and he had a nasal cannula giving him oxygen as chemo fed into his port. He smiled as Lovino walked over and greeted him.

"How are you doing?" Lovino asked, sitting down at the foot of the bed.

"Not well today. It's a bad day. I couldn't breathe this morning, so they put me on oxygen. Apparently I'm really anemic, but they still wanted to go ahead with the chemo," Feli said slowly having to take breaths every few words. "So apparently being anemic can make me feel like I can't breathe even though I'm breathing okay. My body just doesn't enough oxygen because the hemoglobin is low. Isn't that strange? I thought it was so weird."

"It's not so weird," Lovino smiled. "So do you feel like you're breathing okay now?"

"Si! It's much better. I am really weak though. I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about the little baby! Can I feel?"

"You're not going to feel anything besides my skin and muscle. The little bun isn't going to pop up for another week or so and I don't know how long after that we'll be able to see it. You won't be feeling anything for a good while," Lovino said pulling at his sleeves.

"Aw, well let me feel anyway!"

Lovino sighed and rolled his eyes. He stood up and lifted his shirt before taking his brother's hand and placing it on his lower abdomen. Feliciano smiled to himself, glancing to Lovino's eyes every now and then. Lovino stood there impatiently, waiting for his younger brother to get his fill of touching.

"I didn't feel anything?" Feli said pulling his hand away, a disappointed look on his face. "I really wanted some happy news. I'm so tired of everything being negative."

"Maybe there is...Do I look like I'm gaining weight to you? I can't wear jeans anymore because they don't button."

"Let me see!" Feli chirped, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

Lovino held up his shirt once again and stood sideways. His brother studied him for a moment. Lovino turned every direction Feli wanted him to turn and even pushed his track pants lower on his hips when Feliciano said he thought they were getting in the way. Feli narrowed his eyes and shook his head, defeated.

"I think maybe a little, but I can't be sure. Aw! You're a mommy! I can't get over that." Feli's voice was so weak, Lovino could barely detect his excitement, but he knew it was there.

Lovino put his shirt down and sat on the bed, hugging his knees trying to think of something to talk to him about that would cheer his little brother up, but not scare himself. He knew Feli wanted to talk about the baby. Lovino loved that his brother was so utterly supportive, but part of him was worried. He was okay now, but what about when he started to show? He had looked cute with the soccer ball, but...but he could take it out. People weren't going to see him.

"So do you like any names so far?" Feli asked before coughing, weakly.

"Not yet. I don't even know if it's a boy or girl. I don't want to think about that right now. I think it'll be better to wait, you know?"

"If you have a girl, can you name her Aria or Sophia? Those names are so pretty."

"Why don't you save those names? You may be a father one day and I don't want to take your names."

Feliciano's face fell for a moment before his eyes shifted and he licked his lips. Lovino couldn't read Feli's reaction, but something about it concerned him. "Yeah…" Feli smiled. "Well are you going have a theme?"

"I'd like their first name to be Italian, if not the whole name. I know Antonio is Spanish, but I just...I don't want that, you know? I mean, he doesn't even want it."

"You told him?"

"No...I've tried, several times…" Lovino sighed and looked at Feli. "But he's made it clear he doesn't want kids for another ten years. I mean today, I had sat him down and, and he said he'd love to have kids with me, but we had to wait ten years. I don't have ten years, Feli! I only have twenty-nine weeks max!" Lovino dropped his face into his hands. "I don't know what to do. I'm even having trouble focusing on school and I've never had that issue. I don't know if can finish and...and that is really fucking scary."

"You need to tell him, Lovino," Feli said taking his brother's hand. "You can even bring him in here and tell him. Nobody's going to make a scene in front of a cute kid with cancer."

"Shut up," Lovino laughed.

"I'm serious. I'll fake something, just...you have to tell him."

"I will...I will."

"Lovi?" Feli said softly, trying to push himself up.

"Hm?" Lovino helped his brother sit up a bit.

"Grazie. Have you seen the doctor yet? Just to make sure the baby is okay. Papa's scaring me and I know he's just really angry, but I've been having bad dreams."

"No," Lovino whispered, his mouth suddenly dry. "I heard their heartbeat though, when they told me. They have a really strong, incredibly fast heartbeat. I'm really scared too, Feli. Like what if I do something wrong? They're completely helpless and dependent on me. Anything I eat or drink or breathe in or am around can hurt them and I can't live with myself if something happened that was my fault. I have my first appointment in two weeks, right before Christmas, the day after my last day of final. I don't know what to expect or what they're going to do. It's just really scary."

Lovino shivered slightly and hugged his jacket around himself as he sat there. Neither brother spoke for a moment. All they could hear was the sound of the machines monitoring Feliciano as the chemo trailed into his body. Feli coughed occasionally. Lovino would sniffle and dry his tears.

"Everything is going to be okay, Lovi," Feli said after a minute. He took his brother's hand and smiled. "They'll be healthy and perfect and they'll love you because you are their mommy and I think you'd be the best. I don't really remember Mama very well, but I remember her being warm and comforting and I remember she always smelled nice. After she died, when I was sad or scared, I'd run to you, remember? Because Papa was at work. You were like that, so I think you'll be good. You're really nice and you care a lot. You're really sensitive and you cover that up because people were mean to you for so long, but I think when you have your baby you'll let it out like how you do with us when you're not upset or mad at me." Feli giggled. "You're going to be so scary too! Oh, that baby will be so well behaved because mad mommy is scary."

"Yeah…" Lovino laughed too and rested his chin on his arms. "I'm having the baby naturally, Feli. I've already decided."

"Like...out your…" Feli's eyes widened.

"It's the only way," Lovino whispered, his father's words echoing in his head. "I don't want medicine either."

"That would hurt so badly! You don't like pain, Lovi!"

"Neither do you, but you have to do this, right? I have to do it this way. It's the best way." Lovino tried to calm his shaking.

"But they could give you medicine to numb you and then take it out of your tummy. You don't have to go through that!"

"Feli, I do! I want to. If I do it like that…" Lovino's voice caught.

"If you do it like that, you'll be in so much pain. How are you going to enjoy having them?" Feli's eyes glistened with tears.

"Feli, it's not your business and it's not your choice. Thanks for the concern, but I don't need it. I've made the decision. It's my body, Feliciano. It's my baby."

"Okay...sorry. That just sounds so scary. Don't be mad at me!"

"I'm not mad at you," Lovino muttered, wishing he could wipe his brother's tears, but he knew that there was a chance to get the medication transferred to him and it would harm the baby. Instead he handed him a box of tissues. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad."

"Good!" Feli sniffed. "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

Lovino thought about it for a moment. He'd never considered that. A girl would be nice, but what did he know about taking care of a little girl? A boy would be easier, wouldn't it? He was a man after all and he'd taken care of Feliciano for much of his life. He couldn't decide. Either would be a blessing in his eyes.

"I'm not picky. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I would love a girl or a boy. It doesn't matter. I just want to hold them and take care of them. I want them to love me. That's really all I want."

"Aw, Lovi!" Feli smiled and held his hands to his face. "See! You're such a sweet person!"

Feliciano and Lovino talked for a bit and played some games before Lovino decided he'd better get going in order to be back by the time for Antonio to be at the apartment. He wanted to look nice and wanted everything to be perfect. He tidied the apartment before changing into a nice hoodie and making sure his hair was fixed. He checked one last time as Antonio knocked on the door.

Lovino opened it and was greeted by bags being shoved at him. He took them and set them on the table. Antonio put his next to the ones Lovino had put down and smiled as he started unpacking things talking a million miles a minute. Lovino missed almost half of what was said. He blinked and just looked down at the grocery bags filled with snacks. His stomach sank when Antonio put a bottle of sherry on the table, smiling at him with those sparkling, playful, emerald eyes.

"I didn't get a word of that. Hi, by the way," Lovino crossed his arm and smirked.

"Oh Lovi, you should pay more attention to me! I was telling you all about my day and it was just such a great day and I was thinking so much about you and how we were going to have such a nice night and how much I love you even when that really wasn't supposed to happen and this wasn't supposed to be what it's turned into, but I'm so happy that it did!" Antonio spoke so quickly his words ran together.

He picked up Lovino and twirled him around, placing him down with a big kiss. Lovino laughed and pushed him away. "You're so hyper…" Lovino observed, rubbing at his stomach, hoping that the sudden movement and how tightly Antonio had held his stomach hadn't hurt their child.

"Well it's a good day. I don't have many good days this good, you know? Like I have these days that are okay and then I have days that are really bad, but days like today are my favorite!" his speed was still too fast for Lovino.

"Okay...That's good, I suppose. Um, can you not talk so fast?"

"Oh, am I talking fast? I didn't realize," Antonio paused and bit his lips before taking out two wine glasses and opened the bottle.

Lovino stared at the bottle frozen. The last time he drank...thing didn't end well. He started shaking and held the back of his chair. Even the idea of alcohol right now was making his head spin and his stomach twist. He heard the liquid being poured and Antonio's arm snaked around his waist.

"'If penicillin can cure the ill, then Spanish sherry can bring the dead back to life,' Sir Alexander Flemming." Antonio offered the cup to Lovino. "It's very good," he giggled. "And it goes well with our dinner."

"I don't drink," Lovino said holding up his hand and shaking his head.

"Oh come on, Lovi! You drank before."

"No...no, I don't drink," Lovino pulled away from him and took a few steps backward. "I...that was stupid and I should have never done it and I don't want to drink ever again."

"Lovino, seriously? Just try it! It's so good. I promised you'll love it!" Antonio held the glass out again.

"I-I said no," Lovino said. Alcohol now filled him with anxiety since he'd found out he was pregnant. It was, afterall, the reason everything around him was burning.

"Just a taste? It was expensive and I don't mind drinking alone, but please taste it," Antonio plead. "I just want you experience things."

"I don't like alcohol. I don't like drinking. I just...I don't like it."

"A sip isn't going to hurt you…" Antonio rolled his eyes.

"I know, but I don't want to. I'm only twenty. It's illegal. I can't break laws."

"We're going to be inside and it'll be okay if you just have a taste. You don't have to drink a glass or anything. I just want you to taste it," Antonio smiled.

"Fucking fine…" Lovino's heart raced and he slowly brought the glass to his lips. He was so scared to hurt his child. He let the liquid touch his lips before licking them and making a face despite the taste. "It's disgusting."

"You seriously don't like it?" Antonio pouted.

"No, not at all. It's so disgusting. You Spanish are seriously fucked in the head."

"Oh…" Antonio looked down before taking Lovino's alcohol and downing it before setting it down. "Thank you for trying it."

"Well you wouldn't shut up about it…"

The two sat down to a lovely dinner. Antonio continued talking about things so fast it was hard to follow. Lovino smiled into his food. It reminded him of Feliciano in a way. Feli talked about stupid things all the time as well. It was so nice to have someone so cheerful rambling on about things that didn't matter or make sense.

They moved to the living room where Antonio put on a movie Lovino had never heard of. He sighed to himself when it was in Spanish. Despite the closeness of the two languages, Lovino found himself lost in translation. He felt his body begin to fatigue from the energy it took to grow a child. He smiled to himself and laid down, resting his head in Antonio's lap. The Spaniard ran his hair through Lovino's hair until the boy fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

_**Thank you for reading! Please review.**_


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry this update took so long. I started working nights and moved and that's really been taking up a lot of my time and energy. Hopefully now that I'm getting settled I can start updating regularly again. Thank you for staying here! This was actually planned to be published this morning, but FF had other ideas. Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovino flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth off before rinsing the remnants of morning sickness out of him mouth. He was getting so tired of vomiting so often. His abdomen had become perpetually tender from heaving so often. It was as though he'd done a million crunches. He was looking forward to the twelve week mark. His morning sickness would be gone, or at the very least ease up...at least that's what he had read. He brushed his teeth while he thought of how stupid it was to even call it morning sickness. He was sick all the time.

He brushed his teeth and got ready to go running with Matthew. He didn't particularly feel up to it, but he didn't want him asking questions. He hated the looks everyone had been giving him. He hated how he was asked every five seconds if he was okay. Even strangers were asking him he felt alright. It pissed him off. Why did people stare at him? How could they know? He checked almost every day to see if he was showing. Every day he was relieved not to see anything, but he knew that one day, that would change and that day was likely very soon.

Lovino glanced at the sleeping Spaniard on his bed and shook his head. This was happening too often. He always swore he'd have a night where he didn't end up calling Antonio over, yet every night his hormones got the best of him and he found himself tangled in the arms of this man. Antonio would notice for sure if a small bump ended up developing. He couldn't very well hide that while naked. He sighed and groaned, rubbing his face before kissing Antonio gently. He loved him, that was for sure, he hated that he did. Lovino slipped out of the room silently.

Matthew was in the kitchen when he finally got ready. Matthew smiled and slid a glass of water to him while holding his hand out. Lovino raised an eyebrow, confused.

"It's vitamins," Matthew said cheerfully.

"Oh, um, okay," Lovino said, slowly as he took them.

"See having the proper amount of vitamins like say, D, folic acid and iron is really good for you. You've been stressed lately and not sleeping well and I've also found myself a little low on energy. I'm thinking we go on a healthier diet. I mean, yeah, we already eat pretty well, but I'm talking cutting out certain things that are harmful and making sure we're doing everything possible to keep our bodies up and running."

"Oh, yeah, that sounds good. What did you have in mind?"

"First thing's first, vitamins every day and at least eight cups of water. Then we'll need to cut out caffeine and alcohol. They dehydrate you."

"Okay," Lovino nodded, leaning on the counter.

"No soft cheeses, no raw eggs of any sort. That means no batter or dough. Fish that are high in mercury, we should stay away from. The fish we do eat shouldn't be uncooked in the slightest. All of our juice and milk needs to be pasteurized. Any raw sprouts of any kind are off limits. Hot dogs, lunch meats, cold cuts, basically not raw when you buy it meat shouldn't be eaten. The meat we do eat needs to be fully cooked. We should also limit our sugar intake. Oh! And we need to be eating a variety of vegetables and whole grains," Matthew smiled.

"That...that sounds strict," Lovino shifted.

"Well it sounds like it, but you won't even notice it. I really insist that we do this. You need to think of your health and the health of…" Matthew's eyes widened slightly and he bit his lips.

"Health of what?" Lovino questioned, his heart racing.

"The health of me. You know I can't do these things alone. I'm so awful at it." Matthew chuckled slightly and sipped some water. "What do you say?"

"Yeah, um, okay."

Lovino fidgeted slightly. He was ready for this. He needed to be healthier now more than ever for the sake of the child growing inside him. If Matthew really wanted to do this, he should be a good friend and support him. Matthew did know a lot about being healthy...

"And we'll exercise daily. We can keep the same exercise routine we have, but we shouldn't increase it and we shouldn't push ourselves," Matthew added.

"Okay," Lovino offered a smile. He could do this. He needed to look up what he could and couldn't do, but he this sounded reasonable.

"Great! We can do this."

Matthew smiled and hummed as he blended up a protein shake for the two of them for their pre-run fuel. Lovino sipped his water silently as his mind wandered. He needed support. He needed to get advice from someone who wasn't sixteen. The man opened his mouth a few times before closing it and drinking his water once more. He glared at his feet. Since when could he not tell Matthew everything? This was ridiculous! This was Matthew Williams he was talking about! The same Matthew Williams that he spilled his guts to that second day of classes his freshman year.

"Hey Matt?" Lovino said shakily.

Matthew stopped what he was doing and offered a smile. He was so damn attentive! Lovino didn't deserve him. He was sweating, shaky and sick as the kind man waited patiently for Lovino to talk. Lovino tightened his grip on his glass and closed his eyes tightly. _I can do this_.

"I...I need to talk to you about something," Lovino said slowly, his voice weak. His heart felt about to ready leap out of his chest.

"Okay."

Lovino shifted and took another sip of his water. He needed to calm down. Didn't that help? Sipping water? He felt the tears pricking his eyes from the fear of saying it outloud to someone who he knew for a fact didn't have to love him. The familiar thought of if his own father couldn't still love him, how could a mere friend crossed his mind.

"Lovi?" Matthew said gently, supportive smile on his face. He reached out and rubbed Lovino's arm. "Are you okay? You don't have tell me if you're not ready."

"I know, I...I want to and I think I need to. Um, see, I...well, um, you know Antonio and I have, been, um, we've been together for a while. I think, uh, three months now. I...I...I'm sure you've, um, noticed that I...I've been kind of, well, off. The reason, well, um, the, the reason is-"

"¡Hola amigos!" Alfred's voice rang through the house.

Lovino flinched at the sound. He didn't even know the guy had spent the night. And what the hell was he doing up at six in the morning? Alfred _never_ woke up before nine when he stayed over. Lovino couldn't stand it. He turned around and held onto the counter, taking deep breathes as Matthew scolded his brother for being rude.

"I let him stay the night and forgot to tell you, Lovino. You and Antonio were, well, you were busy and I meant to text you. He wants to go running with us," Matthew said apologetically. "I honestly didn't think he'd wake up."

"Of course I'd wake up, bro! I mean, I have to do cardio. I do too many weights. That's what Natalia says," Alfred laughed.

"Who?" Lovino muttered, not that he really cared.

"She's this girl I met in the gym at school. She's so great! I have to impress her, you know? I mean look at me. You're gay, right? Am I not just a tempting son of a bitch?"

Lovino glanced at Matthew, who shrugged and shook his head. Lovino glanced back and sighed. "I'm kind of taken and I'm a loyal person, so I reserve the right to plea the fifth," Lovino smiled sarcastically.

"Haha, that's great! You gays are so sassy. Isn't he sassy, Matt?" Alfred laughed and leaned on Matthew's shoulder. Matthew stepped away causing the younger brother to stumble. "Hey!"

"You're being rude, Alfred," Matthew snapped.

"Um, how?" Alfred asked crossing his arms.

Lovino sighed and ignored them, walked past and stepping outside into the cold December morning. He breathed in the cold air. He usually hated the cold, but today it felt so nice. It was crisp and clean. The sharpness of it cleared his head. He hugged himself and glanced at the leafless trees and yellow grass. Winter had truly taken over.

He wondered when it would snow again. He hoped Feliciano would be well enough to have a snowball fight. He always looked forward to that. It had been something they had done since they were children. Lovino kicked at the grounded as the thought of the future. What would happen to Feli? Would he be okay? Would he come out of this unscathed? And what about him? Would he be able to carry a child and give birth and be okay? How much would change between him and his brother? What would life with a child be like? He sat down on the sidewalk and thought, anxiety building.

Suddenly he jumped up. He ran. He didn't stop, couldn't. He didn't care that he ditched Matthew and Alfred. He didn't care. He needed to clear his mind like he'd needed to clear his mind at when he first started running at fifteen. Running was all he could do. It took away the fear, the anxiety, the stress. The cold air stung as it entered his lungs, but god, did it feel good! The blood warmed his body in such a comforting fashion. It started in his chest and went out. It was an interesting combination, but he lived for it.

He entered the apartment to find it empty. He showered and began his homework. Matthew and Alfred came in a while later, Matthew apologizing once more for Alfred, who looked about to pass out. Lovino nodded and went back to his studies. It wasn't until around two in the afternoon that Antonio emerged from Lovino's room. Alfred had long been gone. Matthew had run errands and gone grocery shopping. Lovino had finished his term papers and all assignments. He had even gotten in a good amount of studying for final exams and the MCAT. He was now sitting down to eat.

Antonio stumbled in, wincing at the sunlight and groaning as he rubbed his face. His ninja turtle pajama pants were twisted around. His tee shirt hung haphazardly from his body. The Spaniard's hair was a mess, insisting on laying any direction it deemed suitable.

"G'mor'in," Antonio murmured. He wrapped his arms around Lovino and kissed his cheek.

"It's two in the afternoon actually," Lovino said, taking a bite of his baby carrot.

"It's, it's what?" Antonio blinked and rubbed his eyes again.

"Two in the afternoon," Lovino repeated.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Antonio whined.

"You were sleeping like a rock!" Lovino defened.

"Whatever…" Antonio mumbled as he started rummaging through the cabinets. "It can be morning when you want. I say it's morning. That's what you say when you wake, right?"

"I actually wake up in the morning though," Lovino giggled.

"I don't care. Where's the cereal?"

"There are some cheerios right here."

Lovino held out a box he pulled from the cabinet and was met with a disgusted face. Antonio slapped the box away, causing it to fall on the floor. Matthew gave Antonio a look as he picked it up.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Lovino snapped.

"My problem? I'm not the one with a problem. You're twenty years old and you eat cheerios and get up at the buttcrack of dawn."

"They're honey nut…" Lovino muttered looking to the side.

"They're cheerios. Don't you two have lucky charms? Or really any cereal that's got marshmallows? What about coco puffs or trix?"

"We...we don't eat that stuff. It's pure sugar. There's like no nutritional value."

"Then why do they have nutrition facts?"

Antonio stared at Lovino like he'd been slapped. Lovino shifted awkwardly. This wasn't the best interaction they'd had. Antonio had actually never acted like this before. He glanced at Matthew who was muttering to himself about Antonio being like Alfred.

"Lovi, you're still a kid! I mean, technically. You're twenty. You're barely out of high school. You have the rest of your life to be a boring adult and eat cheerios and worry about money and responsibility! Live it up! You won't have another chance to do kid things until you have a kid, but then you can't even enjoy it because you have to be the adult. And that's why you don't have had kids in your twenties. Take note, Matt, you're twenty-four and I see the way you look at babies. So anyway, Lovi, keep eating whatever the hell you want. You need to eat sugary cereal like when you were little! Watch cartoons!"

"I...I never, I never had that growing up.." Lovino almost whispered, as his arms subconsciously wrapped protectively around his lower abdomen.

"What?" Antonio's eyes were huge. "Then, then what did you do?"

"School, take care of Feli, make sure dinner was ready."

"Did you at least play outside?"

"Well, yeah, of course," Lovino stumbled over the words as he shook.

"Okay, so you've never had a childhood, so we're going to do it. Right now, starting today, you are going to be a kid, okay?" Antonio smiled and took a cookie out of the jar and stuffing it in his face. "The best part is, you're legally an adult which means cookies for breakfast and nobody can say no."

Lovino's breath caught. He'd known he was still a kid. He'd never considered himself an adult no matter how many times he protested and insisted he was. He'd always wanted to let loose, have fun, be a little reckless, but he'd always wanted to wait until after he finished school. That was impossible. He was having a child. He was twenty years old and having a child. He was a kid having a kid. He never got to do all those things he'd planned. He'd never spent the summer traveling and studying in Italy, the place he was conceived. Never had he gone to a concert of his favorite band or went to a crazy party or gone dancing at a club. And now, no he never would. The bluntness caused tears to prick in his eyes.

"I'm...I'm sorry. I...I can't. You know how it is. I...um, I have things I have to do," Lovino tripped over the words. He couldn't breathe.

"Antonio, Lovino and I are starting a new healthy eating plan and I'm sure it'd help you with waking up on time."

Lovino breathed a sigh of relief that Matthew had saved him. He stared at his plate eating silently as Matthew explained everything to him. He half listened to Matthew once again explain the restrictions and why it was beneficial for the body. Antonio didn't say much. Lovio just heard his spoon on the bowl and the crunching and slurping as he ate.

"And last, no alcohol," Matthew finished with a smile. "I don't think I have to tell you why that's harmful to ones body."

"No fucking way," Antonio said, letting his spoon fall into his bowl. "You want me to give up alcohol for nine months?"

"Well yeah, it's not that long really. Plus give or take a few."

"No. No. Hell no. I'm not going to give that up. You had me semiconvinced until that. I can't. How am I supposed to have fun if I don't drink?" Antonio asked, raising an eyebrow. "In case you didn't know, I live for parties and clubs."

"I have fun all the time without drinking," Lovino offered.

"Your idea of fun is running and reading about science, Lovino," Antonio laughed.

"Oh…" Lovino sighed and went back to picking at his food.

"Hey, I do too," Matthew said.

"Yeah, and you haven't had sex in ten months."

"Um, Toni, Emma and I have been together for a while now…"

"You aren't! You didn't! You broke the bro code!"

"You set us up, dummy," Matthew rolled his eyes.

"Ugh, you use 'bro?' I thought only Alfred did that," Lovino groaned.

"You'd probably use it to and know what's in the code if you had friends," Antonio spat.

Lovino felt like he'd been slapped. He bit his lip to keep from crying. Matthew was suddenly holding Antonio by the front of his shirt. Lovino's eyes got wide. Matthew as _never _like this...ever. The older man was glaring daggers into the Spaniard, who looked shocked himself.

"You do not talk about my friends or my brother like that ever again. Especially not Lovino. Do you understand?" Matthew hissed icily.

"Yeah, okay," Antonio said, putting his hands over Matt's and pushing him gently back.

Matthew sank back down in his seat, the smile returning to his face. "So Lovino, when are are you taking your MCAT?"

"Three weeks. It's the week after Christmas," Lovino muttered. "I'm so scard. I'm not ready. I'm just so tired."

"See this is why you need to have fun. You won't be so tired if you let that stress, out. I'm taking dancing at my favorite eighteen and up club since you can't get into the twenty-one and ups, which by rule are so much better. Do you dance?" Antonio smiled, taking Lovino's hand and kissing his knuckles.

"I-I can't. I have to study. I'm locking myself in my room," Lovino said, eyes wide, as he shook his head.

"You'll ace it just like you do everything else. Now, do you dance?"

"Not...not out of my room or in front of people..."

"Well you're going with me, okay? How does that sound. It'll be fun. Just you and me," Antonio smiled, his eyes sparkling.

"O-okay," Lovino agreed, trying to keep the smile off his face. He was finally going to do something normal for once. Now all he needed to do was borrow clothes from Feli...

* * *

**Thank you for reading. Please comment.**


	13. Chapter 13

**_Special thanks to mystrothedefender for editing this for me. Check out his stuff. It's great._**

**_Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. _**

Lovino shifted nervously in his chair, waiting to be called into his appointment. He had never been so nervous to see the doctor. Actually he'd never been nervous. This must be what Feliciano felt when he had to go to the doctor. Lovino hugged his jacket tighter around him, closing his eyes and slumping down, trying to make himself believe that not every woman in the room was staring at him. He wasn't normal. It wasn't okay. They were wondering why he even had the nerve to come in here. He took a few shuddering breaths before he felt someone touch his arm. He jumped and opened his eyes to bet with a woman with warm honey colored eyes and black hair that framed her dark, angular face. He sat up a bit and hugged himself tighter. She offered him a smile and rubbed his arm.

"Are you alright?" she asked, her voice deeper than Lovino had expected. Lovino just stared at her, frozen. "I asked if you were alright, love."

"U-Um...I-I don't…" he shook his head.

"Is it you or your girlfriend that's expecting?"

"What?" he breathed. He glanced at the man next to her who had a concerned look on his face as well. Lovino glanced back at the woman.

"You are, aren't you? Oh, you're so young! Mikey, isn't he young?"

"Yes, but you should leave him alone, Natalie. He's not as thrilled as you," Mikey said gently.

"It's such a shame! This is the most exciting time in a woman's life!" Natalie smiled, then glanced at Lovino. "Or a man...Oh just a person's life!"

"I-I'm sorry, but I don't…" Lovino bit his lip thinking. He was confused. He had been telling himself that people were not looking at him, that people didn't know, but this couple…

"I'm expecting myself. I never thought it would possible, but I was surprised! I was going to start my hormone therapy and when they took my blood levels, well," the woman smiled at Mikey, then looked back to Lovino, "well I had my estrogen and progesterone levels through the roof! That's when I found out that I was more myself than I'd ever dreamed."

"That's...that's great. Um, how long were trying before you turned to hormones?" Lovino asked tugging at his jacket, hoping to be called in so he could be freed from this awkward conversation.

"Oh, honey, no. We…" she pulled him close to her. "The two of us are going through the same thing with our pregnancies, you know...not like the rest of the people in here."

"Oh," Lovino shifted once more.

"It's scary, huh? You poor thing, you're shaking."

"Look, I'm really happy for you and your...Mikey, but I'd really just rather go see my doctor and get out of here. I...I have things I need to do and you really have no idea because you obviously have been wanting a child where as I just thought I'd adopt," Lovino pleaded. "I'm a man. I'm not supposed to be doing this and I am and I'd just...I don't want to talk."

"Have you told the father?" she asked softly.

"Natalie, leave him alone," Mikey said softly.

"No! He's terrified and I think he's alone and nobody should be, okay?" Natalie scolded. She turned her attention back to Lovino. "Do you have support?"

"This isn't your business. You don't understand what I'm going through and you're making me so uncomfortable, so kindly fuck off.."

"Your mother should have taught you manners, young man!" she snapped.

Tears sprang to Lovino's eyes. He'd been missing his mother more in particular since he found out he was pregnant. He wanted her to hold him and tell him everything would be okay like used to do when he was little. He missed how she made his worries disappear. He bit his lip and shifted staring at the ground.

"What did I say?" Natalie gasped. "Is your mom still here?"

Lovino shook his head, not wanting to talk about it, but somehow this woman reminded him of his mom. She wore the same perfume. It had a calming effect on the boy. He wanted to pull his knees to his chest and close his eyes and remember her now.

"When did you lose her? I'm so sorry. I can't imagine life without my mother. Gosh, this must be so scary for you without her. I don't know what I'd do without my mom telling all the the things to expect."

"Christmas Day when I was seven," Lovino sniffled.

"Oh, how awful. What about your daddy?"

"He...he...he hates me," Lovino lost it as he leaned forward sobbing into his hands. He realized everyone in the waiting room must be staring at him. He peaked and found his fears to be true. "Fuck, stop crying! People are staring more!" he whispered to himself.

Natalie, who had an arm around him and other on his shoulder stood up. "Oh what, like none of us haven't burst into tears. Minnie, didn't you cry last week because you dropped your corndog? And Ashley, did you not cry because your hair didn't look right in your bun? It's okay, girl! Look just because this boy is crying doesn't mean he has any less of a right to cry than any other hormone person in here. We all have babies growing in our wombs, tearing our stability to shreds. Ask my husband and he'll tell you I'm a monster these days. Actually no he won't if he knows that's good for him. Oh, oh, you bitches thought this boy was in here to leave his girl? Oh hell nah, you judgmental women need to turn your little faces back your bullshit pregnancy magazines that are completely bullshit. Yeah, I see you. Damn disgrace…"

Natalie sat back down shaking her head muttering to herself then smiled when she saw Lovino looking at her. All signs of the sassy woman she had just been melted off into a mother aura that surrounded her. He felt strangely comforted by her despite feeling so uncomfortable.

"I guess I should have told you that I'm transgender. I hate all this bullshit that people put on each other. If a man wants to cry, let him cry. If a woman can cry, why can't a man? If a man has a baby, is it really a big deal? So you see I'm used to having people look at me and feeling like they know I'm different and they know I'm this messed up person. But you know what? The beauty is when you accept yourself, you realize you're not. You're perfect and beautiful and while things may not be how you'd like, you can make the best of a situation. I thought I'd never have children and that really messed with me because isn't that the one thing a woman's body should do? But mine couldn't. So that's what I was trying to say earlier. I didn't mean to upset you. I just saw that you were alone and scared and I just wanted to comfort you and let you know that it's okay to be who you are and if anyone judges you, fuck 'em."

"Lovino Vargas?" the nurse called from the door.

"Oh wait, take this," she slipped Lovino a piece of paper with a phone number on it. "In case you need anything." She gave him a smile before laying her head against Mikey.

Lovino smiled and thanked her before hurrying to the nurse, thankful that it was all over and he could get on to figuring out what was going on. As much as he'd felt violated by her, Lovino liked Natalie. The nurse got his weight and height. He was surprised to learn that he'd already gained five pounds despite not being able to keep most food down and continuing running. He was led to a room and got his vital signs taken before being told the doctor would be in shortly. He glanced around the room at the diagrams and figures of uteruses and vaginas and shivered. He felt so uncomfortable in there.

Lovino lay on the table and stared up at the ceiling waiting for his first sonogram. He felt that twinge of nausea before jumping up and puking in the sink. He turned on the water, wiping his eyes before rinsing his mouth. He leaned against the counter for a moment as his stomach calmed. "Bambino, por favore, stop making Papa so sick. It's not nice." He gently rubbed his lower stomach thinking.

Once he was sure that his stomach was settled, he laid back down. He wished someone could have come with him. If only he could bring himself to say the words, "I'm pregnant" out loud. But he couldn't. He was a man. Men didn't get pregnant. Everything was already so confusing before and it was even more confusing now. He bit his lip and closed his eyes. Maybe this was all just a dream. Maybe he wasn't being punished for having sex with Antonio like his father had said. The thought of his father crossing his mind caused him to tear up. Was it really only three months ago that Roma had been gushing over his eldest son? So much had changed.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts and he tensed playing with his hands as the doctor entered with her machine. She greeted him with a smile and asked all the questions she needed to know regarding his pregnancy so far. He was so thankful when she offered to give him something for the morning sickness. She let him know she needed to do an exam and he nodded. It felt so weird to be in the stirrups with this woman messing with an area that no baby should come out of, yet was.

He was instructed to lay back and keep his legs straight in front of him. He pushed his shirt up to his chest and made sure the blanket given to him for privacy was low enough. He closed his eyes trying to calm his heart and steady his breathing. He remembered the panic he felt the first time he heard that rapid heartbeat coming from inside him. He knew he was about to hear it again. He felt the warm jelly being placed on his abdomen near the pelvic area.

"Are you ready to see your baby?" The doctor smiled at him. He took a deep breath and nodded. He felt the uncomfortable pressure as the wand slid across the skin. The doctor scrunched her face. "Hm…I'm having trouble finding it. Would you mind shifting just a little?" She put a pillow under one side of his hips. Lovino filled with panic. What if the baby was gone? He couldn't lose it. The thoughts surprised him. He knew he loved the child growing inside him, but he was also terrified.

His heart skipped a beat when heard that impossibly fast heart rate and smiled despite the sickening feeling that washed over him. He pushed away the overwhelming thoughts that he was in fact with child and took a deep breath and smiled because his baby was okay. His baby was still there and he was bound and determined to protect this child with his life.

"Okay, Lovino. Here's your baby's first picture!"

Lovino stared in awe at the screen. Tears filled his eyes. He blinked rapidly. He could not tear his eyes away from the image of his child. Overwhelming love swelled in the man's chest. This was real. He was going to have this child whom he would love forever. He would never let anyone hurt this baby. He wanted to be able to look at this picture when things were particularly rough. "You're going to give me a copy, right?"

"Of course. And we'll also give you a CD." Lovino thanked her and brushed the tears away. She handing him a tissue which he graciously accepted.

"It looks like you're right at twelve weeks, so the morning sickness should be decreasing. The second trimester is typically easier than the other two. I'll give you a few minutes to get dressed while I get your images for you, then we'll go over any questions you may have."

Lovino nodded as he wiped away the jelly. She stepped out of the room and he put his jeans back on. He pulled out his phone. He wished so badly that Feliciano had a phone he could text or that he could tell Matt or Antonio that he finally saw his baby! He sighed and checked his student email instead as he waited for the doctor to arrive. When she finally did, he was relieved.

"So I'm sure you have a lot of questions," she smiled.

"Um," Lovino nodded clearing his throat and shifting slightly. "I just, um, I wanted know how this is possible? I mean..I know...I know sex, but, I'm not...How?"

"Are you familiar with the term intersex?" she asked softly.

"I've heard it, yeah." Lovino rubbed his arms unsure of how this was a relevant question.

"It appears to be the case. Many women find it as a shock to learn that they are in fact-"

"Excuse me?" Lovino cut in, his eyes narrowing.

"I know that this is a shock-"

"Did you call me a woman?" Lovino was shaking. "I am not a woman. I am a man! Okay? I'm a fucking guy and I can't believe that you would ever even suggest that I was a woman! Are you stupid? How did anyone allow you to become fucking doctor?" Lovino was fuming. "I'm already having a hard time wrapping my head around this, okay? My dad, my own fucking dad, threw me out and I'm so confused and scared and alone and you're going to make me feel worse?"

"I'm sorry, Lovino. I'm just used to working working with women. This is a women's center afterall. I'm not used to this. I apologize."

Lovino just stared at his feet and brushed the tears away angrily. He wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. Oh, god, would people think he was a woman later on? The thought made him sick. He wanted to claw out of his skin at the thought.

"Okay," he muttered.

"So there is a condition that falls into the intersex category called persistent Müllerian duct syndrome. Basically when you were developing in the very beginning of your mother's pregnancy, something went wrong and your body got confused and developed internal female reproductive organs and male external genetalia, as well as underdeveloped internal vagina that does not open to the outside. Typically your chromosomes are still XY, making you genetically male. You grow up and develop the secondary male sex hormones. Until recently we saw infertility, but it seems a variation of this phenomena has begun popping up in which there is a fusion between the vagina and anal canal. Usually we diagnose this syndrome fairly early because the testes fail to descend. A surgery is done to put them in place. However with this new variation, there are testes as well as ovaries and both are functional, so when we check on baby boys, the testes are in place and we don't suspect anything. It's only when pregnancy occurs that it's discovered that the individual is not biologically male, but intersex. Pregnancy can occur, as you're aware. Many individuals develop very small breast buds that resemble defined pectoral muscles, but are rather fatty to the touch. This is because lactation is possible. I know this is must all be a shock to you."

"Wait, not...you're saying I'm not a guy? I'm a guy."

"I am not saying that. Genetically speaking, you are. But your sex is not male, but intersex. That is not to say that you are not a man. Genetics, sex and gender are all separate things, though often related."

"So...um, you mean I don't have pecs? I...they...I can breastfeed?" Lovino's breathing increased as everything slowly started sinking in.

"Yes, if that's what you choose to do. I must stay that we do encourage it."

"What are the odds my baby will have this?"

"One in four, typically. In order for you to present with this form of intersex, your parents must have both been carriers as this is a recessive trait."

"If...if it's a boy, how do we know?"

"As I said, descending of the testes or an ultrasound can be done. Though, I must say, if the father does not have the condition and is not a carrier, all children you have will be carriers."

"Oh…" Lovino stared at his hands. If he had a son, he'd make sure to know. He didn't want them ending up in his position, confused and unpleasantly surprised. They'd be armed with knowledge. He glanced back up. "So...just walk me through it."

He spent the next few minutes getting the basics from his doctor of his options for delivery. Neither option seemed to be a good one. He decided he'd have to research the pros and cons before making those kind of decisions. He wasn't looking forward to much in regards to the future as far as pregnancy was concerned. He was already uncomfortable, but to know there was more pain and discomfort to come made him want to cry. It really wasn't fair. He thanked Dr. Evans and walked to the lobby of the building.

Lovino rubbed his arm and glanced at the door to see if Matthew was outside. He was so thankful that the office was in large medical center, so he didn't have to explain to the man why he needed to see an obstetrician. He just wanted to go home where he was safe to stare at the beautiful baby inside him. He planned on locking himself in his room and just memorizing every aspect of the grey figure that was meant to be his child. He pulled the printed sonogram out of the envelope and could keep the grin off his face. They were already perfect.

His phone rang, breaking the moment. He sighed and answered. It was Matthew letting him know that he was outside. Lovino gingerly returned the picture to the envelope and rushed out to Matthew's car to prevent him from waiting.

"How'd your doctor's appointment go?" Matt asked with a cheerful smile.

"Um, it went well."

"You're smiling." Matthew said.

"Well yeah. I'm not dying. My guts are completely fine." Matthew laughed and pointed to the envelope containing the sonogram pictures.

"What's in there?"

"Pictures of my organs."

"Ew." Matthew muttered.

"It's not gross, Matthew. Do you know how amazing the human body is? Like literally every fucking cell has to work together or the entire thing falls apart." Lovino went on and on about the body and his fascinations. He was in the middle of discussing the digestive system when he felt an odd fluttering sensation in his lower stomach. He stared down wide eyed, shocked that he had felt anything so soon. The textbooks he had read said it would be later, but then again did say every pregnancy is different and some people feel it before others.

"Are you okay?" Matthew looked at him concerned.

"Huh?"

"You stopped talking in the middle of your sentence."

"Oh." Lovino felt the sensation again and a hand dropped on his stomach.

"Lovino…" He looked at Matt who was staring at him. "Are you sure you're okay?" He glanced at his stomach. Lovino moved his hand away and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I just…I'm having some cramping is all. It should go away soon. The doctor told me that it was just a small blockage, but it's resolved itself."

"Oh." Matthew nodded. "So tell me more. I don't think you were done speaking." Lovino smiled and changed the topic to the nervous system. He spoke happily about his favorite part of the body the rest of the way home and followed Matt into the apartment still talking. He froze when he saw Antonio sitting on the couch next to Alfred.

"I love it when you talk nerdy," he winked at Lovino, causing him to blush. Alfred said something about them being kinky. Antonio smiled at Lovino.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked.

"Um…yeah." Lovino fidgeted. He was still gripping the envelope.

"What's this?" Antonio asked getting up and attempting to take it from him. Lovino froze, unable to move. He tightened his grip on it. Antonio smirked at him and put his hand on the top in an attempt to snatch it away. Lovino tensed as Antonio pulled it effortless out of his grip. Lovino couldn't breath as he watched Antonio pull up the prongs and open the flap. Antonio peaked inside and rolled his eyes.

"You have a CD and a paper in an envelope?" He laughed. "What is it, some nerdy doctor thing?" He tossed it back to Lovino. who caught it sighing a breath of relief.

"Y-Yeah." Lovino muttered before taking the envelope

"Are you sure you're okay?" Antonio asked. "You've been so jumpy the past month." Lovino shook and took a step back and toward his room.

"I'm fine. I just haven't felt well, you know. Um…yeah…I'm going to my room."

"You know, Lovino, if you were a chick I would swear you were pregnant." Alfred stated laughing. "You're like bleh all over the place and you're really just off." Lovino froze. Was it obvious? He stared at Alfred.

"Sh-Shut up." Lovino snapped and rushed to his room.

He closed and locked the door and slid down it trying to calm his racing heart. He shook his head and stood up and went into his bathroom. He kicked off his jeans and lifted up his shirt. He turned sideways and looked at himself in the mirror, inspecting his abdomen to see if there was even the slightest hint of a bump. As usual no bump was visible. He sighed as he wiped the tears he'd not realized were there.

Lovino slipped out of his room and grabbed a bottle of water before going back to study. He brushed off his tears as stress from studying and finals. He tried so hard to focus on his studies, but just gave up and slipped the CD into his laptop. He bit his lip as he watched it. He held his breath as the screen appeared containing his little baby on the screen. He studied it, memorizing the child's face and the position. He wanted to cry. How could this be growing in him? He started talking to his stomach softly in Italian. He couldn't let anyone from outside hear what he was saying, so English was out of the question. He wasn't sure how much Italian Antonio understood, but dammit, he wanted talk to his baby!

Suddenly his door opened and Antonio entered carrying two plates of food. Lovino slammed the laptop shut and tried to calm his heartbeat and breathing. Antonio giggled setting the food down on Lovino's desk. He turned and leaned against the chair.

"Were you watching porn, Lovino?"Antonio asked wryly.

"Yes!" Lovino answered a little too quickly and too enthusiastically. "Yes, I was watching porn. That's was I was doing. Porn...I was watching it." Lovino stuttered, his cheeks blazing on fire. Antonio's eyes widened and he nodded.

"So, um, can we watch it together?" Antonio had slipped from the chair to the bed and was pulling the laptop back.

"No!" Lovino snatched it away. "No, um, we, uh, we can't because it's over."

"Was it weird porn?" Antonio's eyes traveled down to Lovino's crotch. "You're not even slightly aroused. It was weird porn wasn't it?"

"No! I mean, I…" Lovino hugged the laptop to his chest.

"Is my little Lovinito not so innocent after all?" Antonio smirked planting a kiss on Lovino's jaw.

"Si, I'm down right disgusting."

Antonio giggled and pounced on Lovino tickling him until their battle waned into innocent kisses and fingers running up sides and through hair. It was nice. Lovino felt so in love, so at peace. The man moved away and smiled at the younger boy.

"I made you dinner! We should eat before it gets cold. Then I'm going to make you hot chocolate."

"Yes! That sounds so great."

Lovino wanted to laugh from how wonderful the idea sounded. Antonio got up and got the food. They sat on Lovino's bed talking and laughing as they ate. Once they finished, Antonio took their plates and went to get their hot chocolate while Lovino searched for a movie. He found himself browsing the Disney section on Netflix and saw Snow White. He'd loved the princesses since he was a little kid, but once he and Feli had gotten older, they weren't allowed to watch them since they were girl movies. Lovino clicked on it hoping it would be alright with Antonio.

The man came back in holding two cups. He flipped off the lights and snuggled next to Lovino. Lovino took the cup and sipped it. He would never get over the masterpieces that Antonio was able to come up with. He snuggled close, enjoying the feeling of Antoni's arms around him and the warmth. He felt a small flutter in his stomach. He took a deep breath. It was like his little family was cuddling up for family movie night. Would they be able to do that? He thought the idea sounded so nice.

"What are we going to watch?" Antonio asked.

"Snow White…" Lovino said in a small voice. He glanced up at Antonio.

"Hell yeah! Put it on! Aw, Lovi, you're so cute. I love you."

"I love you too," Lovino smiled as he hit play.

_**I hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading. Please review. **_


	14. Chapter 14

**_Wow, okay, so this chaper is pretty long. I didn't even realize it would be, but I didn't see a way to break it into two. I plan on having the next chapter be the big reveal. So we'll see how that goes. Anyway, sorry for the wait. Hopefully this being so long helps? Enjoy!_**

* * *

"So that's why I have a uterus. Isn't that strange? How's this one?" Lovino asked pulling out a pale blue polo from Feliciano's closet.

Feliciano glanced up from the sonograms from where he was sitting on the bed. It'd been the first time he'd been home since starting the intensive therapy of chemo twice a week. He'd finally finished his first round of chemo and was scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy in a week to see if the cancer was still there. Feli wasn't saying much, but Lovino knew he was nervous. He was determined to keep him distracted.

"No, not that one. Try my grey one," Feli bit his lip and glanced at the pictures again. "So this condition you have, um, how genetic is it?"

"Dr. Evans, that's my OB, she said it's like one in four if both our parents are carriers. If one of them has the gene, it's fifty percent. So unless Antonio's got the gene, my baby is just a carrier. Both of our parents are at least carriers. Papa may actually have it and not know. You should get checked too just so you know for your kids. I know you're not gay or whatever. You've made that clear with all your little girlfriends. Why do you ask?"

Feliciano hummed and put the pictures down as he examined the appearance of the grey shirt against his brother's torso. He shook his head and hugged his knees to his chest before falling backward with an exaggerated sigh.

"I hope the cancer's gone. I miss sex so much! Do you know what it's like to just want to get laid so badly, but you can't even masturbate? I've tried and I start coughing and get dizzy because I get so out of breath."

Lovino dropped the shirt and spun around with wide eyes. He stared at his baby brother, laying back on the bed exasperated, biting his lip. Lovino shook his head and laughed. Feli was messing with him.

"Feliciano, you've never had sex," he chuckled.

"Yes, I have! Oh Lovi, sweet, innocent, Lovi. I've had so much sex with so many people in so many places and so many positions it would make your head explode. And I have had so much sex, I don't have any real friends."

"What? Feli…?"

Lovino stopped when he saw that Feliciano was crying. Feli sat up and looked at his brother. He looked so lost, so forlorn. Lovino hadn't seen him so upset. He took a few steps toward Feli and paused. He wasn't supposed to touch Feli's body fluids until he was forty-eight hours post chemo. He didn't want to hurt his baby. Lovino sat on the floor and stared at his brother for a moment.

"You can tell me anything. I tell you everything."

"You didn't tell me you were gay until you had sex," Feli whimpered brushing tears away with his sleeve.

"I wasn't sure until then! I mean, I found guys attractive, but it wasn't until I had kissed him and well, you know. I told you as soon as I was sure," Lovino defended.

"Okay. I, um, I'm a pansexual aromantic and I have a really high libido."

"A what?" Lovino asked confused.

"Pansexual. It's kind of like bisexual in that both are attracted to all genders, but like pansexuality, the attraction isn't based on gender so much as if I find someone attractive, I do. Bisexuals can have preferences depending on the gender. Gender doesn't really matter at all to me. Aromantic is like I don't ever feel romantically attracted to people. Like I don't get romantic relationships, Lovino. I find it so messy and I just don't get it and I don't experience it. That being said, I love romantic things. I like being pampered and I love to pamper. I think candle lit dinners and laying under the stars is so nice. I just...I see compatibility as do I find them sexually attractive and then how much we have in common. Would we be good friends? Are we? That's how I see it. So you put a really high libido on top of that and you get me: School Whore." Feliciano let out a shuddering breath.

"I don't think I understand. Feli, you're my little brother. I didn't have sex until a few months ago. You can have had sex before me."

"I had my first kiss at twelve. I gave my first blowjob when I was almost thirteen. I bottomed anal sex right before I turned fourteen. I topped shortly after. I had vaginal sex with a girl a little after that. I gave oral sex to girls before I topped guys. I've had three ways and doubles. I love it. I love sex so much. And I like that I don't have to be connected to them for me to do it. You know all those times you saw me under the bleachers, I was sucking someone off. Those times I got in trouble for skipping class, I was having sex of some kind. And I loved it. It felt so good! And I had so many friends. I had older kids wanting to be my friend. They'd take me to parties. I'd be invited to college parties. We'd drink and get high and hook up and not in that order. And I loved it. But then, then I got sick and I was so tired or had pain, so I stopped going to the parties and stayed at home to sleep. I'd go to school and want to sleep in class because I didn't feel well and I didn't know why, but when someone asked me, I'd do it because it was something I liked so much. It distracted me. When I got diagnosed, the first thing I did was go out to a party and get so drunk and high and had so much sex. I wanted to numb it all away and I wanted to do what I liked. I thought if I do this, I can be normal one more day. I wasn't stupid, Lovino. I knew I was the school whore. I was at a party and told that was the reason I had been invited when I refused to sleep with that guy who was always beating you up. I was thrown out. Timmy told me not to be ashamed. If I liked sex, that was okay. So I didn't think much about it. I thought I had friends. I...I got put in the hospital for chemo and nobody came. Nobody ever came," Feliciano's voice broke, "I just wanted my friends. I wanted to be at parties and in locker rooms and cars. People liked me, Lovino, but they never liked _me_. So I miss sex. I miss parties. I miss drinking and smoking. I miss having friends and being normal."

Lovino hugged his knees to his chest as he took it all in. How had he not known? He felt sick. He didn't understand. He couldn't believe it. He blinked at the floor.

"You hate me, don't you? Like everyone else. They told me, they told me I deserved to get cancer. I gave it to myself. I didn't believe them, but Papa keep talking and I just, what if they're right? Lovi, I need a friend. You always told me I was your best friend. Please don't hate me because I don't know what I would do," Feli sobbed.

Lovino found himself with his arms around his little brother. He didn't care that tears were staining his shirt. It'd been almost two days. Feli needed a hug. He didn't think a few drops would hurt. Lovino pulled back and kissed Feli's cheek away from the tears.

"I don't hate you. Don't tell Papa, please, Feli. Don't tell Papa. It'd kill him and I don't even want to think what he'd do to you. I love you fratellino. You're my best friend," Lovino smiled. "Wipe those tears off and come help me find clothes for the club, okay?"

Feliciano stood up with his usual smile and brushed his tears away. He slowly made his way to the closet and looked through the clothes while Lovino waited watching him. Feli glanced at Lovino, studying his clothing. Lovi chewed his thumb nail as he waited. He always wore basically the same thing: loose tapered jeans with England style military boots, a black tee shirt with a red and black plaid shirt over it and a black beanie. Feliciano walked around him a few times and sighed as he leaned against the wall, already tired from the activity.

"Your style is so hard to work with," Feli muttered. "Do you still have your leather jacket?"

"Yeah," Lovino muttered rubbing his arm.

"Okay, then wear this," Feli handed his brother a red V neck. "Go ahead and put it on."

Lovino did as he was told and tossed his flannel and black shirt to the ground. As he was about to pull Feliciano's shirt on, he caught Feli's eyes boring into his lower abdomen. He looked down.

"What? Can you tell?" Lovino panicked.

"No, calm down, Lovino. It's going to happen eventually and sooner rather than later since you're thirteen weeks now. I'm just imagining the baby. Like from the picture. Oh! Can I paint a baby on your tummy?"

"What?" Lovino glared as he pulled on the shirt.

"Well like as it grows, painting it to scale every week. I can work off the sonogram. Please, Lovi?"

"No! I don't need a constant fucking reminder that I have a child growing inside me, okay? It's hard enough as it is." Lovino blinked back tears.

"I know, I know. It's hard for you, but Lovino-"

"Does this look good?" He changed the subject.

Feliciano stared at him for a moment before pulling the beanie off Lovino's hair and adjusting it. He smiled and giggled. "Toni's going to be impressed."

"Hell yes, he will. Or at least he better be," Lovino muttered.

"So what's it like?" Feli's voice was small.

"What's what like?" Lovino asked.

"Well you said the baby started moving, or at least you can feel it now. What's it like?" Feli shrank back at the look Lovino gave him.

"I told you I don't want to fucking talk about it! I just want to have a nice date with my damn boyfriend and dance and forget for a couple hours that in a few months, everything I ever knew is going to be over. Just for once. And I want to celebrate making straight A's again and keeping my 4.0 and being that much closer to medical school. And I don't want to think about the possibility that I may not even finish my bachelors degree, okay, Feli?" Lovino stared at this little brother as he shook. "You miss sex and parties? I am terrified that all the nights of staying home studying were a waste and that I should have gone out with the people bothered to talk to me and seen movies and gone to free concerts downtown and went to skate at the parks. Because my whole life I've planned for one thing and have been so careful and I screw up one night, one night, and everything is over. If...if Antonio doesn't take the news well, do you realize I have to withdrawal from school?"

Feli stood there frozen in his spot as Lovino kicked the bed over and over as he cried. He glared at the ribbons and academic certificates that hung on the wall and threw them off. Feliciano took his brother's hand and Lovino fell against sobbing.

"I worked so hard, Feli!"

"I know," Feliciano whispered.

"It's like imagine you stopped being able to draw or paint. What if you never get the chance to go to Florence and be a street artist? That's how I feel right now."

Feli tensed up. "Um, actually, Lovi, um, you know how one of the side effects of chemotherapy is neuropathy?" Lovino nodded wiping a tear from his eye and hugging himself. "Well, um, I can't really feel my hands…" Feli whispered the last word. "I can't hold it right. I just...it looks so bad when I draw, but the doctors said it may or may not be permanent. Even if I'm cancer free next week, I still have three years of maintenance therapy left. If it did this much damage in a few months, imagine years."

"Feli…" Lovino's tears started once more.

"That's all I've ever been good at, Lovino. I'm not smart. I'm not strong. I can't write or really do much, but I can draw and I can paint and nobody ever had to teach me and I just want to scream at something. So yeah, I get it. It sucks, but Lovino you can go back to school. You're never too old and you could put the baby in daycare. When I'm well enough, I can watch them. You're not as trapped at you think. I just want to hear about your pregnancy because I think you're going to be so cute and I can't wait for the little bambino to be here. I bet they're going to look like you," Feliciano smiled through his tears.

"I don't know. I think they'll probably look like Toni to remind me of him every time I look at them," Lovino mumbled kicked at the floor.

"You've always been too dramatic," Feli giggled.

"It's hard to describe, what if it feels like. It's kind of like a fluttering, like you have something small brushing against you only inside. You know that feeling when you have gas moving through your bowels? It's like that only lower and it doesn't really stop and it doesn't move across. But it always makes me smile when I feel it, even if I'm sad."

"Aw, Lovino, you are so cute! My big brother is so cute," Feli laughed and hugged Lovino. "You know I'm going to spoil your kid, right?"

"I know," Lovino laughed.

The two talked for a while longer before Lovino had to leave to see Matthew before he left for Christmas break. He and Alfred were traveling up to New York to see their family. Lovino wanted to give him his present beforehand. Feliciano hugged his brother and beamed at him. Nobody would have suspected that he had been crying only moments ago. Lovino loved how his brother could do that. He wished he could brush things off and roll with life the way Feli did.

"You're still coming for Christmas right?" Feliciano asked.

"I wouldn't miss it. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't stand in line at the food bank, right? And you and Papa trying to get me to sing Christmas carols while the food cooks."

"You _always_ give in. Don't act like you don't like singing."

"My favorite part is Midnight Mass actually. You always fall asleep, so of course you wouldn't understand why," Lovino smirked.

"It's boring and I don't really-"

Feli was cut off by Roma dragging himself into the house. He dropped his work boots next to the door and ran a hand through his hair. Lovino hadn't noticed just how tired he was then. The man was only thirty-seven, but he looked so much older, probably closer to fifty. The twenty-one years of manual labor had definitely taken a toll on him physically. His skin was almost always permanently tanned and his face was lined from the abuse of the elements. His dark brown hair was always slightly dusty. His work shirt and pants were getting worn. Lovino wondered how his father had stayed warm when it had been snowing outside.

Part of him wondered if he'd have to face that life. His parents had him at sixteen. He'd grown up seeing what having a kid could do to one's life. He shuddered and tugged on his sleeves. No wonder his father was so angry at him. Who wanted their kid to have that life? To watch so much potential wasted? Lovino wanted to cry.

"Feli?" Roma called from the living room as he approached the room.

"Si, Papa?" Feli called, giving Lovino a reassuring smile.

"How are you feeling?" the man asked in Italian, freezing when he saw Lovino.

"Tired, but still sick. Otherwise, I'm fine. How was work?"

"You shouldn't have company if you're feeling unwell, Feli."

"Oh…" Feli looked at the ground. "But it's just Lovino." Feli's face brightened as he hugged his brother's arm. Lovino shifted uncomfortably as his father's eyes searched everywhere but him.

"If you're tired, you should rest. I don't care who it is. I got hot chocolate."

"Ooh! Yummy! Can't you stay for some hot chocolate, Lovino?" Feliciano brightly.

"No, Feli, I should be going."

"Yes, you should," Roma muttered walking to the kitchen.

"Ugh, fine…" Feli pouted with his whole body. "I'll see you Christmas Eve, right?"

"Of course, Feli," Lovino smiled as he unlocked the door.

"Feli, it'll just be the two of us," Roma called.

"What? No! Lovino can't spend Christmas alone." Feliciano was horrified. Lovino felt sick.

"I know it's hard for you, but your brother isn't here, okay?"

"You can't be serious!" Feli cried spinning around. Lovino could see his small frame shaking as tears filled his eyes. "Papa, I just got out of the hospital and I'm getting a bone marrow biopsy and a lumbar puncture next week and I want Lovino to be here for when I get the results and I want him to be here for Christmas! Can't I please have something normal? Just one day?"

"Feli, you need to calm down." Roma narrowed his eyes at Lovino before returning his eyes to his younger son. He crossed his arms. "It's not good for your health to get so worked up. You've always been so easily upset."

"Calm down? Calm down! Papa, I can't do anything anymore! I can't go to school. I don't have friends. I can't go out. I can barely walk from one side of the house to the other without needing to lie down. I don't know what it's like to not feel sick anymore and I just want my brother to be there for Christmas."

"I'm sorry, Feli, but that's not possible."

"It is!" Feli shouted, fists balled at his sides.

"Feli, it's okay," Lovino whispered fighting back the tears.

"No! NO! It's not okay! All you have to do is forgive him for not being perfect for once in his fucking life! You act like it's some horrible thing that he's having a kid, but you and Mama did the same thing! And you were my age when Lovi was born! You're such a hypocrite!"

"Feliciano, stop it!" Roma was standing in front of him and shook him roughly by the shoulders to get his attention. He glared at Lovino. "Leave. You're upsetting him."

"Si, Papa…" Lovino whispered. "I love you, Feli."

"You're the one upsetting me!" was the last thing Lovino heard as he shut the door behind him. He hugged his jacket around him as he walked to his car, the snow crunching under his feet. He could still hear Feli yelling and protesting inside, but couldn't make out the words. He fumbled with his keys trying to see through his tears enough to unlock the door and make it home. Christmas alone? Lovino didn't know what he'd do.

* * *

Francis knocked on Antonio's door and poked his head in. "Toniiiiiiiii! You need to get up, cher. It's club night."

Antonio's heart sank. He held his breath, not daring to open his eyes. He waited, waited, waited for it, the sickening feeling, the drain of energy he'd been experiencing almost every day for the past month. It never came. He sat up slowly unsure if he felt relieved or dreadful. Whatever was wrong, whatever had been messing with him had been going on long enough that he knew waking up happy, truly happy with energy, meant that the next time he woke up feeling dead inside, it would be worse.

Toni mumbled that he was up, his mind still foggy from the sleep and distracted from his thoughts. He offered a smile to keep his friend at ease. The man could be so hovering at times. It didn't work. Francis frowned slightly and went over to him, studying him.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?" Antonio laughed rubbing his hair.

"You've been acting strangely lately. And you're in bed and it's six o'clock in the evening. You were off today." Francis brushed a strand of his long blonde hair back and hugged his sweater around him.

"I've just been kind of distracted. There's a vender who's hired me and I have to come up with a menu and I've been out with Lovi so many times. I'm just having trouble juggling is all, but everything should be okay soon."

He hated lying. He'd known Francis for years and felt like he was somehow betraying him. God, he was such a terrible person! He couldn't do anything right. He'd messed up so badly when he down. Had he ignored him? He wanted to cry from the guilt. And Lovi…he'd made him cry! Ugh, what was wrong with him?

"Are you sure? You know we can always cancel and having a date with ice cream and a movie on the couch," Francis smiled. "With lots of wine."

"I promised Lovino I'd take him. Besides I need to get out. I've not had a night out in what? A month?"

"You wanted to sleep. I thought you were getting old," Francis teased.

"Never," Antonio smiled. "Well I'm awake and I'll get ready and we can pre-game, okay?"

"Okay!" Francis kissed his cheek and stood up. "By the way, I'm really eager to meet your secret boyfriend. He sounds so cute. Emma says he's cute. Why did you she get to meet him, Toni?"

"I didn't realize she had," Antonio muttered standing up and going to his closet.

"Well she did. We were talking about it, the three of us while you were in here getting your beauty sleep. Gilbert wants to know more about him. He says something feels off to him."

"What would be off?" Antonio laughed. "Just because I'm not dating you or Emma or hooking up with a random stranger?"

"No, it's not that it's uncharacteristic of you, but you know Gil," Francis ran his hand over the working in Toni's bed before flashing his eyes back up. "He's so protective and all. But Emma says he's cute. I need to meet him so I can tell you if I approve or not. We have to make sure our little Toni is getting the best, no?" Francis winked with a smile.

"He's fine. You have nothing to worry about. He's kind of shy though, so be nice."

"We're always nice." Antonio gave him a look and laughed.

"Yes, but we're always so high energy. I think it'd scare him."

Antonio found a shirt and pulled it aside with a pair of jeans. He pulled his mouth to the side before switching the shirt and looked up to find Francis still sitting on his bed, a thoughtful expression on his face as he stared at the ground. Antonio shook his head and laughed once more. He missed laughing, he'd always laughed a lot before everything. Now it was mostly faked.

"Are you thinking about something?" Antonio asked, tossing his shirt to the side.

Francis glanced back over, his eyes running over Antonio's torso then falling again to the ground. He shrugged and sighed before falling back rather dramatically, as was his style.

"I met someone."

"The guy from the club?"

"Oui. The one who took me home. He hasn't called me back. We had such a good night. Why do they never call me back, Toni?" he stared at Antonio, his blue eyes sparkling with confusion and pain.

"Aye, um, Franny, why is it that you expect any of your one night stands to call you back? We all have one night stands. You, me, Gil, Emma, but you're the only one who expects it. Why?" Antonio said gently.

"I just…" he cursed under his breath in French. "I'm not a whore, Antonio. I am a romantic! I want love! I want grand gestures and candle lit dinner. I want art and culture and passion. I want it more and I keep trying to find it, but…" Francis trailed off, sighing sadly.

Antonio nodded and sighed.

"Then stop looking in clubs and bars, Franny. Go to the coffee shops or I don't know…"

"You're so lucky, you know? To have found love."

Antonio laughed and rolled his eyes. Had he found love? He really didn't know the answer to that. He never expected love to come in the form a fiery, shy, self-conscious Italian boy from a poor family. But just the thought of seeing him made his heart skip a beat. If he could stay forever with Lovino next to him rambling on about something he couldn't care less about, but loved to hear because the way Lovino's eyes lit up talking about something he loved so much could melt the ice caps. He hadn't done that in a while though. Antonio wondered why. Had he really not noticed it until now? Well Lovino didn't really talk much these days. He seems scared and worried about something, though Antonio wasn't clear as to what.

"You'll find someone. You will…" Antonio reassured him, his voice warm though his thoughts were far away.

* * *

Matthew stopped packing to stare at Lovino who was crying into his arms hugging his knees to his chest on his bed. Lovino hated being looked at with such pity. Matthew knew this and rarely showed it, but Lovino figured the news that he was spending Christmas alone must have really caught the man by surprise. Matthew put the shirt he was folding down and sat down next to Lovino.

"It's not fair…" Lovino whispered.

"I'm sure your dad will come around eventually. Something that I've seen between you since we met is how close you are with your dad and brother. They called you every night. I kind of looked forward to hearing the Italian every night," Matthew smiled and put an arm around Lovino's shoulders

"He hates me, Mattie. I messed up. I messed everything up!" Lovino whimpered, brushing his eyes.

"He's mad right now, but you can't go from loving someone that much to hating them. I'm sure it'll be okay."

Lovino shifted. He didn't like this kind of talk. Matthew had no idea what was really going on. He felt so guilty. Matthew had been for him through so much and this is how he repaid him? By not telling him the truth? Lovino glanced at Matthew, who was smiling at him softly with those dark blue eyes that seemed to bore into the soul. He was the most understanding person Lovino had ever met, but he couldn't…

"Until then, you can't spend the holidays alone. You're coming to New York with Alfred and me. No protesting. You'll love it. I can take you to all the sights and we can eat at little hole in the wall Italian places. Oh! And you could go to Little Italy! I know you have always longed to see Italy and while it's not the same thing, I think you'd enjoy it. Plus my mom makes the best Christmas dinner," Matthew nudged Lovino softly.

"No, I can't. You haven't seen your parents in a year and with you and Alfred being so far away–"

"It's no problem. My parents want to meet you anyway. Besides, I'll need someone to keep me sane, right?"

Lovino smiled and wiped his face, shifted slightly. He liked the idea, but he couldn't stand being around strangers right now. Matthew would be there, but he'd have to socialize and he hated that. Besides it would be too cold in New York. He could barely stand it here where the snow fall was minimal. The idea was a bit enticing. He had never been outside of his little metro area. It would be nice. No, he couldn't go to New York for three weeks.

"I'm sorry, Mattie. I can't go. I'll be taking my MCAT before you get back."

"I'll bring you back early. It's not a problem. You can't spend your favorite day of the year alone just because your dad can't accept that you're pr-gay. Come to New York. My parents love you and they're completely understanding."

Lovino stared at his feet and sighed. The offer was tempting, but he couldn't go. He couldn't ruin his friend's holiday. Matthew was nice. He would never say that Lovino was a burden, but Lovino knew he would be. He _hated_ being a charity case. Poor little Lovino. No thank you.

"Look, Matt, I don't want to go, okay? What if something happens to Feli and I'm not here? I'd never forgive myself. Just go home with Alfred, okay? Spend time with your family in your home and don't worry about me. I have so much studying to do." Lovino offered a smile as he stood up.

"If you insist…but hey, spend at least Christmas Eve and Christmas with Antonio, okay? At least you'll be with someone."

"He goes to Spain every year and I'm sure as hell not going to Spain," Lovino muttered.

"Not this year. Something happened so he's staying here with his friends and they're going to have a nice celebration at Antonio's apartment. He and Francis are going to cook this elaborate meal which is going to be so tasty," Matthew smiled, giving Lovino a one armed squeeze.

"I don't–" Lovino started.

"You're not spending the holidays alone."

"Okay, yeah. I'll go with Toni," Lovino offered a smile.

Matthew hugged him and stood up to finish packing. The two exchanged gifts before Lovino went to his room to wash himself up a little. He knew he probably looked like shit from crying for two hours and needed to make sure his clothes still looked nice. He locked his bathroom door and did the routine of checking for a bump, a sigh of relief, then moving on to fixing himself up. No sooner had he finished up than there was a knock at the door.

Lovino's heart sank as butterflies filled his stomach. He took a breath. He _could_ do this. He could go out there and have a great time with his boyfriend. He did like dancing, sure not in front of people, but he liked it. He gave himself one last onceover before saying bye to Matthew and opening the door.

Antonio beamed at him. Lovino's breath caught. Antonio was dressed so casually. He wore a nice button down black shirt and jeans with some nice shoes. This wasn't what he'd expected. He felt like he planned too much for the occasion. He had done too much. No, this was a bad idea. He was making a fool of himself. He almost faked being ill, but Antonio pulled him into a kiss and took his hand, not saying a word as he led him to an unfamiliar black running car that from what Lovino could see in the dark was very nice. Antonio spun Lovino to face him, giggling and pressing him against the car. Lovino could smell alcohol on his breath.

"You look so hot, Lovi," Antonio breathed running his hands up Lovino's shirt, his fingertips tickling the boy's sides.

Lovino shivered, and looked away as he felt his cheeks burn. He wanted tonight to be perfect, but how could Antonio drive like this? Lovino was not about to risk the life of his child, not to mention his own life getting in the car with him, but he couldn't speak. He was so nervous. A part of him was screaming as to why he was allowing Antonio to do this in public, but the feeling of Antonio's lips and tongue on his neck felt so good. People could see and he was paralyzed by that thought, yet something in him, the same something that had changed his behavior since getting pregnant, was telling him he wanted it. He wanted Antonio near him. He wanted to smell his cologne and feel his warmth. He needed comfort and support and perhaps there was nothing wrong with this.

Antonio's lips found Lovino's, soft and demanding. He pulled Lovino by the hips closer to him, grinding his hips ever so slightly against Lovino as he tongue slipped into his mouth. He was everywhere, smothering him, suffocating him. Nothing else existed in the world. It was just the two of them. He wasn't pregnant. Feliciano didn't have cancer. Roma still loved him. He was still heading straight for graduating first in his class. For the second time in three months, Lovino forgot everything besides the feeling of Antonio. Lovino's hands clung to the sides of Antonio's shirt as he pressed harder into the kiss.

"Hey, Toni, you better not start fucking him against my car!" a German accented voice yelled.

Lovino froze. Antonio pulled back and giggled, hiding his face in Lovino's shoulder.

"Sorry, Gilbert. Pregaming got me a little worked up."

"Yeah, whatever. Get in the car."

"Sorry, Lovi. I'm a little buzzed," Antonio giggled as he opened the back door for Lovino.

The boy was surprised to see Emma and a rather attractive man with shoulder length curly blond hair smiling at him from the back and a white haired albino man staring at him with an unreadable expression. Lovino glanced at Antonio, not sure what was going on. He thought this was going to be the two of them. He hadn't realized it was the whole group. He didn't really feel like sitting in the back seat with a stranger and the woman who gave his brother's chemo twice a week. He didn't know her past being Feliciano's nurse. Seeing her in a black cocktail dress and heavy makeup was unsettling.

"You've met Emma. That's Francis and the driver is Gilbert," Antonio introduced. They waved to him as he said each name.

Emma got out of the car. Lovino bit the inside of his lip and slid in only to be surprised when Emma sat next to him while Toni climbed in the front. He turned pop music up and put his feet on the dashboard as he danced happily in the front. Lovino stared at his feet. He was so embarrassed. They had seen him and Antonio like that. They _knew_ they had sex. It was bad enough that Matthew and Alfred knew, but strangers? He wanted to cry.

"So Toni says you're premed?" Emma offered with a smile. Lovino glanced up at her and nodded. "That's really great. I'm a nurse myself."

"I know. We've had this conversation," Lovino mumbled.

"Oh…" Emma glanced at Francis.

"Yeah, my brother's first chemo treatment. You're his primary nurse. I know," Lovino muttered shortly.

"Oh," Emma tugged on her dress uncomfortable. It made Lovino so angry. How could she not know?

"Do you not give a shit about any of your patients, or just my brother?" Lovino glared.

"No, it's not that. I just…I didn't…I'm not supposed to tell people about my patients."

"You're not," Lovino sighed, his eyes falling on Antonio. Why was he up there?

"What kind of doctor do you want to be?" Francis asked, a sparkle in his blue eyes.

"I don't know," Lovino mumbled. He wanted to be an emergency/trauma physician, but he wasn't about to say it out loud. He didn't want these people to know his dreams and goals. Hell he didn't even know if he'd get there. He was so stupid. Antonio wasn't his boyfriend. He'd made that clear, but dear god, he was. Or at least that's what Lovino thought and wanted.

"Well you have time. It took me a while to decide I wanted to be oncology nurse. I knew I wanted to do pediatrics, but I fell in love with my unit," Emma smiled.

"Lovino is so smart, right, amor?" Antonio turned around smiling.

"I…" Lovino couldn't speak. He could think.

"He's so precious, Toni!" Francis cooed. "You're right. He's so cute!"

"Yeah. I thought so," Antonio smiled and turned back around to face the front.

Lovino endured the car ride to the club, thanking Toni immensely when turned the radio up so loud they couldn't speak. He wasn't fond of the music. He was more into hard and alternative rock himself, but the beat was nice and kept him from having to talk. They pulled into a crowded parking lot full of drunken people all dressed to the nines. Some were wearing less than others. Most of the people were twenty-somethings, but Lovino could spot the high schoolers who were planning to sneak in and people older who wanted to have a good time. His heart raced. They piled out, Toni almost instantly grabbing him the waist and kissing him. He wanted to tell him to stop. He hated the people were looking, but he couldn't say a word. This was _not_ him. Yeah, he'd been a shy person his whole life, but he'd been able to tell people off for touching him when he didn't want to be touched. He hated the idea of PDA and yet here he was. This baby had changed him. He wasn't sure how he felt about the change.

Emma and Francis kept dancing with each other. Though they were far from the dancefloor, the bass from the music inside could be heard. Gilbert kept staring at Lovino with that same unreadable face from before. He felt so uncomfortable by it. The air smelled of alcohol and cigarettes already, but the smell of a freshly lit cigarette entered Lovino's nose. Antonio let go of him suddenly.

"Give me one!"

Lovino turned around found Antonio and Francis inches apart as Antonio was using the end of Francis' cigarette to light his own. Emma was giving them a disgusted look. Lovino's gaze fell. How had he not known? Emma had started lecturing them about the effects of smoking, but Lovino just felt sick. He hugged himself tightly and stared at the entrance. Once they were inside, there'd be no more smoke. God, he wanted to stomp out every one of the cigarettes and joints in the vicinity. He let his fingers graze his lower abdomen as he silently apologized to the child inside him for allowing himself to go to such a toxic environment.

"Are you okay?" Lovino jumped and glanced at Gilbert who was sipping on some water. He nodded. "Toni says you've never gone out before. They're 'buzzed.'" He put air quotes around the word and rolled his eyes. "I'm always stuck driving."

"Oh…" Lovino muttered.

"It's okay. I usually have a beer, do a couple shots then drink nothing but water for the rest of the night so I'm good to drive. I'm a criminal attorney."

"Oh," Lovino wished he could say something else.  
"Yeah, I was pretty wild, but I got my kid brother and now my degree and I'm just thinking hey, maybe I need to calm down," the man laughed.

"Oh."

"You don't talk much."

"I know," Lovino muttered kicking at the ground.

"How old are you? I'm sorry, you just look like you're my brother's age and I would not be comfortable with him being out here without me at his age. He's sixteen."

"No. I…I'm twenty."

"Mmm," Gilbert nodded and glanced over at Antonio with that same expression.

"I'm not drinking. I don't want you to think that…" Lovino trailed off. He just needed to shut up.

"Hey, I'm an attorney, not a cop," Gilbert winked.

"Well I'm still not going to drink," Lovino said quietly.

"You really are like my brother. You're so awkward and shy." Lovino's eyes shot up. "I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean…forget it."

Antonio pulled Lovino into a kiss suddenly. The boy was stunned by the action and didn't even have time to react before Antonio pulled away, that stupid smile still plastered on his face, a cigarette burning. Lovino took a step back and put his hand to his mouth hoping the sleeve would block some smoke.

"Wha's wrong?" Antonio giggled, the alcohol prevalent in his words.

"Nothing," Lovino mumbled. "I just didn't know you smoked." Antonio gave him a confused look and laughed.

"Lo siento, Lovi. When I'm with you it's usually right after work or we're eating or having sex. I usually slip out when you fall asleep since you sleep so much." The man giggled. "I have smoked since I was sixteen. Franny and I have some cool tricks if you want to see."

"No, I'm good." Lovino took a step away.

"Put the damn cigarette out, Toni," Gilbert snapped. "He's not comfortable."

"Whyyyy?" Toni asked leaning his head on Lovino's shoulder. He had to slouch so much he wound up stumbling. He laughed for a moment.

"My brother has cancer…" Lovino muttered, blinking the tears away. He was so scared for his baby.

"Oh, yeah," Antonio laughed again and took one final drag before stomping it out.

Lovino leaned into Antonio as the older man hugged him. He felt so exposed and needed the comfort. This was a bad idea. So bad. They presented their IDs, Lovino getting black X's on his hands, and they were in. Loud club music blared from the speakers. The lights were so dim, Lovino feared he'd trip and fall. Antonio's fingers laced with his and he felt safe as he was led through the club to the bar. Neon signs advertised different brands of alcohol. Colored lights flashed throughout the place, making Lovino a little dizzy. It was hot and he could feel the sweat. He hadn't had morning sickness since his doctor's appointment. He really hoped he wouldn't here, though he was certain it wouldn't be out of place. Lovino sat on a stool at the bar watching as Francis and Emma flirted with the bar keepers.

"Five vodka shots!" Antonio ordered.

"I'm not drinking," Lovino muttered.

"What do you mean? That's part of the club scene!" Antonio laughed, kissing his temple.

"Just a water for me."

Lovino tugged at his sleeve. A glass of water was set in front of him. Antonio frowned and handed him the shot. Lovino shook his head and pushed it away. He wanted the bartender to say something. He had X's after all, but they weren't paying attention.

"I can't," Lovino snapped and rubbed his face. He wanted to go home, but Matthew was surely gone by now.

"Whatever…"Antonio muttered before turning to his friends with a smile.

Lovino watched as they did shot and after shot in unison. Gilbert stopped after two and was sitting opposite the group with a beer cheering them on. Someone tapped Lovino on the shoulder. He turned to find a girl with golden brown hair and grey eyes smiling at him.

"Do you want to dance?" She asked.

"Uh…" Lovino glanced over at Antonio and his friends. Gilbert was watching Lovino now with a small smile. "I'm…I'm gay," Lovino mumbled.

"So? More reason to dance with you. You're not going to try to get in my pants. I just want to dance."

"Um…" Lovino looked back at Antonio. Gilbert gestured for Lovino to go. "O-Okay."

Lovino slipped off the bench and took her hand in the way he knew his father would be proud of, kissing it gently as they started into a strange style of ballroom dancing to the club music. He found himself having so much fun as he twirled her around and pulled her close before more spins and dips. They talked and laughed. He kept calling her "bella" and giving her million dollar smiles. He knew how to be charming. He wanted to make this girl feel happy like the way he was feeling happy. He'd come to have fun and she'd come for a nice dance partner.

"Are you sure you're gay?" she asked with a laugh as he pulled her close as the music slowed. "Or is that your thing? Make a girl feel safe before you make your move? Are you really even Italian?"

"I'm sure I'm gay," Lovino laughed. "And yes, I'm Italian."

"Too bad. You're a catch."

"No…" Lovino shook his head. "I'm nothing special."

"You're a premed student with a perfect GPA with hopes of being a doctor and getting his family out of poverty. You're hot and charming and sweet. How is that even possible?" Her eyes sparkled at him.

"I'm just me," he whispered.

The music changed back to something fun and dancey. They were just about to go back to their usual fun when Antonio grabbed Lovino's wrist. Lovino gasped and Antonio pulled him into a hug.  
"Lovi, I was loo'in' all o'er for ya! You dis'ppered. I turned around an' you were gone," Antonio slurred.

"Oh, I was just dancing."

"I thought I los' ya! I would feel so sad if I los' my Lovi," Antonio had tears in his eyes.

"It's okay. I'm okay," Lovino reassured him. He looked back at the girl and gave an apologetic look before mouthing to her, "my boyfriend." She nodded and walked away.

"Did you have fun?"

"Si," Lovino smiled.

"Le's go to the back, kay?" Antonio giggled pulling Lovino behind him to the back of the club.

Lovino glanced around him. Gilbert was talking to a girl at the bar. Francis and Emma were dancing with each other. He wondered if Matthew knew how sexual they danced, but then again, Matthew wasn't a jealous person and Emma _had_ known Francis forever. They were near a wall now, not many people around. Antonio started swaying and kissing Lovino. He broke the kiss and looked away. _This isn't me_, Lovino thought to himself.

"Dance with me!" Antonio giggled. Lovino couldn't dance the way Antonio did. It was dirty. It wasn't fun like the dancing he'd done with that girl. He felt embarrassed. "Jus' focus on me, 'kay? Jus' me. Nobody else exists," Antonio whispered in his ear. "Jus' me and you and the music."

Lovino closed his eyes and allowed his body to move in rhythm to the beat and to Antonio. He felt kisses trail down his neck suddenly Antonio was undoing Lovino's pants. The younger man's eyes flew open. Antonio gave him a flirtatious grin and kissed him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Lovino asked, frozen. He felt Antonio's hand against his penis, stroking softly. Lovino gasped and pushed him away.

"It's fun. You're so hot, Lovi. Please? Nobody will see," Antonio smiled stepping closer and taking him once again in his hand.

"There are people!" Lovino hissed.

"They won't see," Antonio whispered, running his thumb over Lovino's tip. The man gasped and fell against the wall. Antonio's lips were on his neck as his hands worked other places. Lovino leaned back and closed his eyes. Wait…he felt Antonio's mouth around him. He stared in horror at the older man on his knees as he suckled and licked.

"What are you doing?" Lovino snapped. Antonio stared up at him with a look that caused Lovino to come undone. He winked and kept going. Lovino came in a wave of ecstasy. He could feel his womb throbbing. Never had he felt it so pronounced. Antonio stood up and kissed him.

"You taste so sweet," he giggled.

"Shut up!" Lovino snapped zipping his pants back.

"Lovi, I want you," Antonio said staring into Lovino's eyes.

"Toni, we can't…" Lovino bit the inside of his lip. Fuck, why did Antonio wake this part of him? Why?

"We can do it in the car. I just need you so badly!" He took Lovino's hand and slid it into his pants. "See?"

"I…I…I…"

Lovino found himself being pulled out of the club. He willed the hormones to leave him alone, but part of his damn pregnancy was being easily turned on. Antonio punched a code in on the driver's side door and opened it, pressing unlock. Lovino found himself pantsless moments later being lowered onto Antonio. He wrapped his arms around Antonio's neck and tried to control his breathing and Antonio held his hips helping him up, down, up, down.

_What are you doing, Lovino? This isn't you! This isn't want you worked for! Sex in a car? What the hell is wrong with you?_

Lovino pushed his thoughts away as tears filled his eyes of shame, fear, lust and pleasure. Why couldn't he control himself? Why was he so easily swayed? He had spent years ignoring that part of him he hated so much. Why did he have to be gay? Why couldn't things be easy like they were dancing with that girl? They were fun and carefree. He could breathe. With Antonio, he hated who he was. He was so weak. He arched in ecstasy. He collapsed against Antonio, panting, the elder still inside him. A few more thrusts and Antonio came. Lovino pushed himself up and crawled off Antonio. He pulled his pants back on, staring at his shoes.

"I love you, Lovi," Antonio whispered, kissing his neck. "You're the best sex I ever had."

"Yeah…" Lovino whispered, wiping the tears off his face.

* * *

Antonio slipped back in the car after dropping Lovino off as his door, a silly smile on his face from making out with his Lovi. He was falling for him harder and harder every day. He was too good to pass up. He leaned back and closed his eyes only to be disturbed with a punch in the arm. He opened his eyes to find Gilbert glaring at him.

"What?" he giggled.

"WHY THE HELL DOES MY CAR SMELL LIKE SEX? WHY IS THE BACK SEAT DAMP?" Gilbert shouted.

"Haha, Lovi just looked so hot tonight. I'm sorry. I would have done him against the wall, but he's classy," Antonio giggled. There was a collective groan from Emma and Francis from the backseat. Gilbert turned around and glared at them both.

"Oh hush! The three of you have been with each other and sometimes at the same time. Don't act like that."

Antonio laughed and leaned back as Gilbert drove them home, ranting the entire time over his car being a temple and should be respected and be clean. The guy didn't even allow food in his car. Antonio didn't care. All he could think about were those golden green eyes staring at him with all the innocence and lust in the world.

* * *

**_Thanks for reading! Please review! :)_**


	15. Chapter 15

_**Okay, another long one. I don't think this will happen again...at least that's the plan. Sorry this took awhile to get to. I've been so tired and just working on this little by little. **_

_**A few things I forgot to mention. I am planning a gerita and fruk for this fic. The spamano installments are going to be in three parts, not 2. So things with Francis and Feli as well as Ludwig are put in strategically. Feli's reveal and the convo between Francis and Antonio was not just randomly thrown in there. **_

_**In this chapter, Ludwig will come in. I do really like the HRE being Germany, so I've come up with Ludwig not liking his name when he was a little kid because people made fun of him, so he started going by Westley because he liked the name. Gilbert started calling him West. That's also why he is going through a certain phase in this part of his life. He is definitely out of character in this, but it has to do with him being in one of those teenage phases. He won't pop up much in this part of the spamano, so don't worry if you don't like it. **_

**_Anyway, big chapter with funny bits and angst. Christmas on Easter! hehe Enjoy!_**

* * *

Christmas had always been Lovino's favorite day of the year despite growing up so poor. Roma would get the boys dressed for the cold air before taking them to walk around and see the lights and decorations. Feliciano and Lovino would help decorate the church. Feli always was in the play they did every year and Lovino would always sit in the pews while they practiced as he read his favorite Christmas stories. He loved the warmth of it all. It was in the frigid air, in homes and stores and schools. Everyone was more than generous.

Once Lovino had started working, he would give half the money to his brother and they'd ride the bus to the mall before splitting up to buy gifts for each other and Roma. They would surprise Roma with gingerbread cookies and hot apple cider. They didn't have central heating, so they'd sleep in the living room with a fire going in the small fire place that warmed the room. The family had always been close, but Christmas was the only time that Roma had off.

Roma always spent his rare Christmas bonuses on buying gifts for the boys. Christmas dinner was given out by the food bank. They were able to get a ham or turkey, stuffing, yams, one pie, rolls, and cranberry sauce all for free. The morning of Christmas Eve had always consisted of standing in the cold as they waited for their turn to get food. Roma would always hug his boys to him to keep them warm. Members of local charities or churches would walk down the line giving free hot chocolate and peppermint to everyone in waiting. Lovino and Feliciano would always be handed a small stocking stuffed with candies they'd share with their father who always insisted the boys enjoy their treat. They would take everything home before going to Mass.

The morning of Christmas, the family would exchange gifts before helping prepare dinner. Feliciano and Roma would always start singing Christmas carols and try to get Lovino to join. He almost always gave in after ten minutes of being sung to from both sides and hugged and kissed and coaxed to sing. They would eat happily before going to church to watch Feliciano in the play before the evening Christmas Mass.

Lovino brushed away a tear as he tried to push the memories away. Here he was alone on Christmas Eve staring out the window as the snow fell. He was hugging his knees to his chest wondering if Roma was standing in line at the food bank, if Feliciano was with him. He thought of tomorrow morning. Would it be the same? He sighed and shook his head. He heard a knock on the door. Eating delivery pizza on Christmas Eve…

Lovino took the sonogram out of his bedside drawer, slid it in his back pocket and went to answer the door. He signed for the pizza and sat it down on the coffee table, taking out the picture and stared at it, placing a hand on his stomach. He wanted to make traditions with this child. Next year, he'd be a father and would have to figure out what he wanted to do.

"Buon Natale, bambino," his whispered. "Ti voglio bene."

Lovino sat on the floor and ate silently. He really never cared much for fast food, but he didn't have the energy to cook himself and he needed comfort. Plus this baby had him craving the grease. He thought of Feliciano. He wanted to give him his gift. He even wanted to give him the gift for Roma. He brushed the tears away again. He missed his brother and father more than ever now. He wished he had taken Matthew up on his offer. He hated being alone on Christmas. He tried to focus on the child he was carrying and remind himself he wasn't alone. He was with his baby on their first Christmas together. He picked up the photo again before speaking to his child in Italian.

"I'm so sorry that I'm eating this crap. I usually don't, but I just…I wanted pizza because it's my favorite thing. I'll have to make you some when you're older. I'll teach you to make it. It can be our thing, cooking together. I really hope I can give you a better life than I had. I don't want you to every worry or be hungry or cold," he told the child softly. He kissed his hand before setting on his lower stomach. Sixteen weeks and he was still not showing. He was so thankful.

The man's mind wandered to Antonio. He thought about how nice it would be to see Antonio. He wished he could tell him he was going to have a baby tomorrow and have Antonio throw his arms around him and be giddy with excitement, a baby for Christmas just like in the movies. He knew that would never happen. Antonio didn't want a kid. Maybe he would be different on Christmas. Lovino picked up the phone and called him.

"Hola, Lovino," he gushed cheerfully. "How do you say 'merry Christmas' in Italian?" Lovino tugged as his sleeve.

"Buon Natale."

"Oh, well Buon Natale, feliz navidad, and merry Christmas, Lovi!" Antonio sang with a laugh. Lovino smiled.

"Buon Natale and feliz navidad to you too," Lovino said softly.

"So did your dad let you come home for Christmas or did you end up going with Matthew?" Antonio asked. Lovino was silent for a moment.

"How are things with your friends? Are you slaving away in the kitchen making delicious food? Matt mentioned you weren't spending the day with your family." Lovino almost whispered.

"Lovino, you didn't answer my question…" Antonio sounded concerned.

"Neither did you." Lovino didn't want Antonio to know he was alone. He refused to inconvenience anyone.

"I asked you first, but since you insist, I didn't go home. Everyone went to Spain. I couldn't get off work, so I'm having Christmas with my roommates and Gilbert and his little brother. Their parents skipped out on them, so Gil's been raising his brother since he was nineteen. He's about the same age as your brother actually." Antonio was quiet for a moment waiting for Lovino to speak. "Lovi, what are you doing for Christmas? Are you with your family or with Matt?"

"I…" Lovino let out a laugh to keep his voice from cracking. "I'm actually sitting on the floor of my living room at the apartment eating shitty delivery pizza."

"What?" Antonio sounded hurt.

"It's not even bad, really. I'm just…I'm Italian, so-"

"Lovino, you can't be alone for Christmas."

"Well my dad isn't really letting me come home and I didn't want to put Mattie's family out."

"Lovino, when you are invited to someone's home they are not being put out. They wouldn't have asked if they didn't want you," Antonio scolded gently.

"Yeah, because you know why would anyone ask the poor gay kid whose dad hates him? I'm not a fucking charity case, Antonio," he muttered coldly.

"Come with me. I don't feel sorry for you. You're the smartest person I've ever met and you're so sweet. I know you don't like people to know that you're a really sweet person, but you are. You make me happier than I've ever been. I don't feel sorry for you. I kind of love you. You're like boyfriend."

"Kind of?" Lovino laughed.

"Yeah, so? Honestly, you're making me reevaluate everything in my life," Antonio purred. "I have fun with you. You make me smile even when I don't want to."

"Do you ever not smile? You're like happier than Feliciano and his name means the happy one. He was always smiling in sonograms. That's how my parents picked his name," Lovino laughed. Antonio was quiet.

"I'm happy with you," he said softly after a moment. "Te amo, mi amor."

Lovino's heart skipped a beat. He bit his lip and put his hand on his stomach again before closing his eyes. He wanted so badly to say it back. Had he not said it in the past? But this time was different. He could feel his baby inside him. He knew he was on the brink of most likely losing Antonio. Besides he was starting to feel like Antonio never wanted to do anything with him, but have sex. No. He couldn't say it.

"So what do you do at this Christmas with friends?" He swore he heard Antonio gasp.

"Well Francis and I are cooking an amazing dinner. We have plenty of alcohol. We waited until last minute to get a tree, so we're about to do that. We can wait for you. I'm going to go to Mass in a little bit if you'd like to come with me. Oh and we are going have a white elephant! I mean, we are also getting each other gifts, but if you want…"

"Are you going to pick me up or not?" Lovino smirked.

"I'll be there soon. Te amo."

"Ti amo," Lovino let slip. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Antonio giggled.

"I thought so," Antonio giggled.

"Shut up."

"You're so cute."

"Bastard…" Lovino muttered as he hung up and let the smile loom on his face.

"Your father is so strange, but I love him so, so, so much, but don't tell him, okay?" Lovino said to his stomach. "I don't want to get hurt more than I already am. I don't want you hurt either."

Lovino got some clothes together and put the pizza in the refrigerator moments before Antonio knocked on the door. Lovino opened it and was pounced on by Antonio who almost knocked him over.

"Lovi!" he cooed, kissing him all over his face.

"Stop…" Lovino pushed Antonio away.

"I have an idea. So like…before we go let's have a go. Please?" Antonio smiled running his fingertips along Lovino's sides. Lovino blushed and stared at the ground. "Please!"

Lovino's spirits fell. There it was. The ever present request for sex. Sure, he was almost always horny these days from the pregnancy hormones, but he never got to initiate. He just wanted a nice Christmas with his boyfriend. He knew he'd give in. He always gave in…

"Okay." Lovino agreed, letting the hormones take over.

Lovino walked in the apartment with behind Antonio and was comforted from the cold by the warmth inside. There was Christmas carols playing from the speakers and the room smelled of a heavenly mixture of cooking ham, spices, stuffing, fresh pine and the sharp scent of gingerbread. The corner of his mouth twitched up into a smiled as he hugged his jacket closer around him. He glanced over to see a bare pine tree in the corner near the window with a box filled with decorations next to it.

Francis, Gilbert and Emma all greeted Lovino warmly. Emma even hugged him. Lovino noticed that they were wearing hideous Christmas sweaters. He had heard that was something people did, but had never actually witnessed it. The three friends disappeared into different areas of the large apartment. He glanced at Antonio. He felt uncomfortable suddenly, as if he didn't belong. He wasn't used to Christmas like this.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked hugging the man's waist.

"I'm not used to this," he mumbled. He turned around and wrapped his arms around Antonio's neck. "Grazie," Lovino breathed as he kissed Antonio.

"What kind of person would I be if I let you spend Christmas alone?" Antonio smiled into the kiss. Lovino pushed the older man away gently.

Lovino shifted, tugging on his sleeve. Antonio told him to make himself at home and went to join Francis in the kitchen. Lovino sat on the couch to wait for Antonio and the other's to come out. Gilbert was untangling the lights, or rather getting himself tangled in them, and laying them in rows. Lovino watched him for a moment before he heard a sigh next to him. He glanced over and was surprised to see another person sitting there.

The boy's hair was to his shoulders, dyed an unnatural shade of black, and appeared to have been unwashed or purposely made to look that way. Lovino couldn't tell. His eyes were rimmed in black and he had an annoyed expression on his face. He wore a shirt with the name of some metal band and a black coat over that. He had on baggy black pants with chains and suspenders hanging off tucked into combat boots. The boy's black painted nails dug violently into the sleeves of his clothing as he crossed his arms and glared at the tree. Lovino couldn't help, but find the boy to be just a bit intimidating in a humorous fashion. He seemed to be trying so hard to not care while being angry at the same time. He figured this must be Gilbert's brother. The boy glanced Lovino.

"H-Hello," Lovino stuttered out. "I'm Lovino."

"You're the guy Toni's screwing," the boy sighed. "I don't care."

"Uh…" Lovino was taken aback. He had just met this kid and he already didn't like him. He had just been being polite.

"Oh, I see you've noticed my kid brother," Gilbert laughed. "Don't mind him. He's harmless. West, be nice to my friend."

"He's not your friend. He's Toni's toy," the boy muttered. Gilbert sighed.

"I really don't care. Just shut up and stop being an asshole. He's older than you. _Everyone _here is older than you and you need to respect them."

"He's barely older than I am!"

"West, shut up or I swear to god…"

Lovino sighed and ignored them. He glanced over to the kitchen to see the three friends coming to join them. Emma held a tray of gingerbread cookies to Lovino who took one with a polite smile. The group decorated the tree together. Gilbert kept nagging his brother to help. The boy sat on the couch staring.

"West, get the fuck up for the last time and help us do the tree! You need to be festive!" Gilbert growled throwing tinsel in his brother's direction.

"I don't even know if I believe in this shit. And Christmas is so stupid. It's so conformist. Everyone does the exact same thing in the exact same way ever single year. You hear the same shitty songs over and over from Halloween to Valentine's Day. It's so stupid! It's also about consumerism and we should not be slaves to corporations, Gil. Did you know that depression during the holidays is a direct result of consumerism?"

"Bullshit," Lovino scoffed. He froze. Everyone's eyes were on him. _Oh no…shit!_ He stared between everyone. He hadn't meant for that to come out. He stared at the floor and fidgeted with the ornament in his hand.

"What do you mean?" the boy, West was it? asked with narrowed eyes. Lovino shifted closer to Antonio subconsciously.

"I…It's just…nevermind," Lovino muttered.

"No, tell me why it's such bullshit," West was giving him an intense stare. Lovino laughed silently and shook his head as he stared at the ceiling.

"You want to know what's bullshit? Your brother is sitting here trying to get your ungrateful ass to have a good Christmas and you're fighting him every step of the way. I get it, you're angry and hurt and upset. Whatever. Welcome to the goddamned club. You think you can blame that on consumerism? Fuck that shit. You know the cause of depression during the holidays? I'm sure you know. The cause is your fucking so called family deciding that you're a piece of shit and they don't want to look at you anymore. It's being told because you aren't their definition of perfect that they don't want you. _That_ is the cause of depression on the holidays. You think people being poor causes them to be depressed? You are raised by a fucking attorney! Your brother probably gives you everything you ever wanted based on your stupid clothing and your entitled attitude."

"Lovino-" Antonio tried to get him to be quiet. He shoved his hand away angrily.

"You can't even speak on that. Let me ask you this, did you ever have stand in line at the food bank as your guardian worried you wouldn't eat? Or did you ever have to sleep in one room with the fire going, risking your life because it was either that or freeze to death in the middle of the night? Did you ever have to go to school as a little kid and hear everyone talk about what they got for Christmas and you only got a chocolate bar? Did you ever not have a jacket to wear or clothes that didn't fit because you couldn't get new ones? Well guess what, that's how I grew up and you know what? We were so fucking happy on Christmas because it was the one day of the year that the three of us were together. You know what I have this year that I've never had on Christmas? A heater, probably the best fucking food I've ever had in my life, warm clothes and I didn't have to stand in the cold. And you know the only thing I miss? My dad and my brother. So don't you give me your fucking bullshit excuse of why you're angry," he finished his breathing ragged and shallow.

Lovino was trembling. He was embarrassed that he'd said so much. He felt his cheeks red and tears welling his eyes as he glared at the teen in front of him. He _hated_ this kid's attitude. He was Feliciano's age, but was acting like a pretentious five year old in Lovino's book. He was tired of hearing the desperation in Gilbert's voice as he begged his brother to help and he was tired of the kid complaining. Emma and Francis started a new subject to clear the air.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked softly. Lovino nodded and buried his face in the man's chest.

"Thank you for letting me have Christmas with you." The younger man smiled and kissed his cheek.

"It was my pleasure," Antonio smiled.

Lovino went back to hanging ornaments and nobody mentioned anything that Lovino had said much to his relief. He glanced over to where the boy was watching him. Gilbert asked him again to help and Lovino felt his heart ache when the boy again refused. What Lovino wouldn't give to have even a minute of helping Feliciano and his father decorate the tree with their homemade ornaments from school.

"Look, I've had it. You get your ass off that couch and participate or no beer for you. You will not allowed to touch the alcohol," Gilbert snapped.

"You promised!" the boy objected.

"Well you know welcome the real world. You can't sit on your ass and complain and expect people to keep their promises. You aren't holding up your end of the deal and if you want to drink, you will get up and at least act like you're enjoying yourself." The boy rolled his eyes and grudgingly stood up and put an ornament on the tree before leaning against the wall with his arms fold and hair hanging in his face as he brooded in the corner.

"Lovino, I apologize for my little brother. He's kind of an ass right now. He's usually not. He was such a sweet kid, but he's in this stupid phase right now where he thinks he knows more than he does. It's kind of cute, isn't it?" Gilbert laughed. Lovino smiled and glanced at the teen.

"OH MY GOD! Gilbert, I told you it's not a phase! This is who I am! I am angry. The world is falling apart and you want to laugh and smile? I am a metaphor the pain in the world that is screaming out to us all!" Lovino couldn't help but think the kid was overly dramatic. He thought Feli was a drama queen. He had nothing on this guy.

"Uh huh, yeah. That's what you keep saying," Gilbert smirked. "Keep saying it. It's so adorable how serious you are! So cute."

"I am not cute! Anger and pain is not cute!" the teen whined. Gilbert pinched his cheek. "Ow! Bruder, that hurt!"

"It's a metaphor for the pain the world, West," Gilbert winked.

Lovino watched as Antonio and his friends continued to playfully mess with the boy. Antonio had said they knew this kid since he was a baby. He kept protesting as they played with him, hugging and kissing his cheeks and ruffling his hair.

"It's not like you never went through a stage, Gil," Antonio laughed.

"Oh, no, Toni…" It was too late.

"Oh my god, your frat phase in high school where you wanted to be in a fraternity so badly! You wore those awful boat shoes and stupid 'bro' shirts," Emma laughed.

"And you wore a hat backwards all the time and never took off those god awful sunglasses!" Francis laughed hysterically.

"Don't forget how if he wore a polo, the collar had to be popped up," Antonio smirked. "You were such a tool!"

"Why were we friends with you?" Francis asked hugging Gilbert who kept yelling at them to shut up. The kid was leaning against the wall trying so hard to still look apathetic and angry.

"What about Toni's cholo phase?" Gilbert butted in.

"You went through a cholo phase?" Lovino gave Antonio a questioning look.

"It was not one of my finer moments, but I was young and stupid," Antonio defended.

"Ugh, it was so terrible! I can't believe I dated you when you were like that," Emma laughed. "You were so stupid."

"Remember how we had to keep telling you were from Spain, not Mexico? Ah, it was so ridiculous," Francis howled.

"And you thought it was so cool to keep your hair greased back. Lovino, you would have never even looked at this mess." Emma fell against Antonio as she laughed.

"The best part was, his mom got so fed up with it that one day when we were all over she was like full name and then told him if he didn't stop acting like a dumbass, he wasn't going to be allowed to watch cartoons before bed," Gilbert chimed in.

"Hey! Cartoons were good when we were teenagers," Antonio held up his hands laughing.

"Wasn't that after you decided you wanted start carrying around a fake gun?" Francis asked with a judgmental smirk.

"Yes, but let's talk about you, Franny! You weren't so pretty in high school."

"Oh god, you had such terrible hair and skin. Acne everywhere," Gilbert added shaking his head.

"And you got braces in middle school and like it just was so terrible because you were such a nerd! You thought your comic books were real!" Emma giggled.

"It was so bad! You were convinced that Spiderman was going to infect you so you could be his sidekick." Antonio kissed the man's cheek. "So cute!" Lovino felt a pang of jealousy, but looked down.

"Spiderman and comic books are cool!" Francis insisted.

"Oh god, don't let anyone hear you," Emma winked.

"Whatever. All I have to say is that puberty did me good and now I'm hotter than all you bitches and you know you can't resist this," he motioned to himself.

"That grammar though! I thought you were a teacher!" Gilbert teased.

"It was atrocious," Emma agreed.

"Whatever you say, horse girl," Francis winked and Emma froze.

"_Everything_ you owned was covered in horses. You put stickers all over the place!" Gilbert laughed.

"You started horse club and got so upset when nobody showed up. We lived in the middle of a fucking city! Who is that obsessed with horses?" Francis laughed.

"Remember how you used to tell people you had horses and you didn't even know how to climb up on one?" Antonio laughed. Emma gave him a side glance.

"You wanted to date centaur," Gilbert shouted.

"Fun fact, she asked me to dress up as one once when we were dating," Antonio smirked. "Ow!" he howled as Emma punched him hard in the arm.

"I thought I told you never tell that to anyone!" she screeched. Gilbert and Francis were leaning on each other dying with laughter.

"It was Halloween! It's not what you think, you perverts!" She threw a pillow at them.

Lovino watched in horrified shock as the friends roasted each other. He glanced at the boy standing to the side who was covering up his laughter with a cough. God, everyone here was so weird! _My boyfriend is a fucking idiot_. _Shit, boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend!_

"Lovino?" Francis was smiling at him wiping the tears from his face.

"What?" Lovino had been taken off guard.

"We asked what kind of phase you went through. You have to be honest," Francis pressed. "We all had terrible phases as you can tell."

"I…uh…I didn't really go through a phase. I was really focused on school because I've wanted to be a doctor," Lovino mumbled playing with the edge of his sleeve.

"So you were like a nerd?" Gilbert asked.

"No, I was just…there." Lovino hugged his knees to his chest. He had never thought about how much he had missed out on by focusing so much on school. He'd never be able to have these kind of conversations and laughter.

"No, Lovi, you went through a phase," Antonio smirked. "You just got out of it."

"What?" Lovino's eyes were wide. "What are you talking about?"

"You know, the closet. You surrounded yourself with really beautiful girls and treated every guy like a dick to hide the fact that you liked dick and you wanted it so bad," Antonio laughed. "You won't believe how much he likes it."

"I don't blame him." Francis giggled.  
"Nor do I," Emma snickered.

Lovino stared at Antonio. He didn't find it funny at all. Lovino swallowed and shook his head at him. He cursed himself as tears pooled in his eyes. He felt his blood pressure rising and his body trembling. He knew his cheeks were probably scarlet.

"You fucking asshole…" Lovino muttered.

"What? Lovino, we're all making fun of each other," Antonio smiled, nudging him. "Take a joke, babe."

"I'm so glad that the thing that tore me apart since my first crush is funny to you. God, I'm such a fucking idiot! I trusted you with that! You don't even realize how hard it was! You were popular! People didn't care. You still liked girls and you dated Emma. Nobody beat you up! Nobody mocked you! Your parents didn't-"

"Lovino, don't take it personally, sweetheart. That's just how we joke. He wasn't meaning anything by it. That's just how he talks with his friends," Emma soothed as tears fell down his cheeks.

"Fuck, Toni, you jerk. You made your boyfriend cry!" Gilbert scolded.

"He's not my boyfriend! We just have sex." Antonio snapped. Lovino felt a stabbing sensation through his heart. Tears filled his eyes. He started to shake. That statement would have hurt before, but he could have hidden it. He hated what his stupid pregnancy hormones and the stress of what to do did to him.

"Asshole…" Lovino muttered as he fought a losing battle to hold back the tears.

"Oh..um..wow. Well I have special eggnog! It's delicious and so much alcohol. Let's have fun," he heard Francis say from behind him.

"No!" Lovino snapped. He took a deep breath. "I…I don't want to drink."

"You know this is a safe place. Nothing bad will happen. Drink if you want to," Gilbert offered a smile.

"I don't want alcohol. I don't like it," Lovino whispered wiping the tears away.

"I can make you some coffee. Toni said you like coffee," Francis offered instead.

"I don't want caffeine either. Do you have apple cider or hot chocolate?"

"Um, I'm sorry, mon ami. Everything is spiked for the party. We have water or I could make you some tea?"

"Who the fuck drinks water or tea on Christmas?" Lovino questioned.

"Come with me, Lovi. I'll take you to get something without alcohol or caffeine. These three can be annoying in these situations." Lovino nodded and followed her to her car. She glanced over at him.

"It's pretty hard for you, huh?" she asked in a soft voice. He glanced at her. She was giving him a very kind and concerned look.

"Yeah," he said softly.

"Toni told us what happened with your dad. That's really hard. I can't imagine. See Francis and I are in similar situations that we both have our families living too far away to visit. This is the first year that Antonio won't eat with his family. We're all just trying to spend time together. We're a family. Toni really likes you, so you're family too." She hugged him.

"Thanks," he whispered.

"You're welcome."  
"The reason I don't want alcohol and caffeine is that I'm really having trouble sleeping with stress and all, so I figured cutting it out will help. I've been so emotional because I haven't been sleeping."

"I'll say. You and Toni are not quiet. I hear you staying up all night. He's good, huh? I have to hand it to you, that energy you have…I could never have sex for that long." She shook her head and let out a giggle before winking at him. He blushed hard.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered.

"Oh sweetheart, don't apologize. You deserve someone like Antonio as your first boyfriend and first person to have sex with. He and Francis…holy shit, they're like…I don't even know. It's an experience." Lovino felt his stomach twist.

"I don't like to talk about that."

"Oh. Okay, sorry. Um, tell me whatever you want to talk about. Any friend of Toni's is a friend of mine." She smiled at him and began to drive to the store.

Lovino felt comfortable with Emma. She was sweet and genuine. She listened to him as he talked about everything from being picked on in school to his current challenges. It was nice to have someone to talk to who would just listen. The rest of the night went well and uneventful. He sipped hot chocolate and watched _It's a Wonderful Life _before going to Mass with Antonio. It had been a lovely service, but he was relieved when he got finally curl up with Antonio and sleep.

* * *

Food was the first thought Lovino had woken up to. He sat up rubbing his eyes and yawning as his stomach growled. His baby was moving around. They sure had been more active lately, or at least Lovino felt it more. He blinked his eyes and looked over to Antonio's side of the bed to find Antonio gone and a small package, neatly wrapped in his place. A tag hung loosely off it, "For Lovi," was scrolled in Antonio's writing. Lovino smiled and opened it up, wondering what it could be. A very plain watch was next to a fancy bottle of wine. He wasn't a watch person. He figured if it at least looked cool or nice, he'd have it next to his bed since he wouldn't wear it. Wine? Antonio knew he didn't drink. How many times had that conversation come up? He sighed slightly. He felt like Antonio didn't know him at all. He never expected anything over the top, but at least a bar of his favorite chocolate.  
He set the box aside and was surprised to hear something rattle. He picked up the beaded cross necklace Antonio always wore with a small note attached. He'd commented how he liked it. Hell, he'd always play with it after sex or when they were cuddling. A smile spread over his face as he took the note of setting it to the side and latching the clasp in the back. He picked up the piece of paper and read the message.

"Feliz navidad, Lovi! So…I wasn't really sure what to get you, but I figured that watches are dignified. You'll need it when you're a fancy doctor, right? Francis and I absolutely love this wine. You're Italian, so I figured why not a romantic drink of wine in park when it gets warm? And I decided since you love my necklace so much, it's only right to give it to you. Then something close to my heart has something that's listened my heart since high school. My grandfather gave it to me when I was a little boy in España. I miss it so much. I had my confirmation. I've worn it ever since. He actually bought it for me when I was baptized as an infant, but I didn't get it until then. I want you to have something dear to me. I love you! ~Toni"

Lovino smiled and bit his lip as his cheeks burned. It was a perfect gift. He decided against changing out of his pajama bottoms. He may not be showing, but he was definitely feeling tight lately in his clothes. He pulled off his tee shirt and threw the baggy hoodie with the logo of his dream medical school on the front before checking his hair and slipped on his slippers before leaving Antonio's room.

He was surprised to find the house busy with life. Laughter danced down the hall into his hears. He could hear everyone talking at once. The apartment smelled of pine, peppermint, chocolate, spices with a distinct sharpness of cinnamon, roasting meat and vegetables. It smelled perfect. Lovino's stomach growled. He felt the child in him relax slightly. No wonder he was so hungry. This child was so active! Nobody noticed as he emerged. He watched them for a moment, a soft smile on his face.

"Lovi!" Toni whisked him into a tight hug. "Did you get my present?"

"Si," Lovino breathed.

"Nice of you to join us!" Gilbert called from where he was wrapping tensile around his very annoyed brother. "Does this mean we can eat now?"

"What?" Lovino asked, scrunching his eyebrows.

"It's two in the afternoon. Toni wouldn't let us wake you up and we would never eat without you. He said you were tossing and turning and whimpering and huffing all night. He had to physically hold you at one point to get you to calm down," Francis said, a look of concern on his face.

Lovino's heart sank. Two in the afternoon? He had had trouble falling asleep last night. He slept on his stomach, always had since he was a baby. His mother used to rub his back and sing him to sleep. Last night he'd felt like he was sleeping on a ball. He could feel his growing child and uterus. He hadn't been able to get comfortable. He was so embarrassed.

"I…sorry…" Lovino whispered.

"Hey, don't worry, Lovi! It's okay. Let's eat, shall we?"

Lovino nodded weakly and allowed Antonio to lead him to the kitchen were all the food was set out, covering the counters. Everything was set out. Pies, cookies, cakes, casseroles, vegetables, other sides, rolls, and ham. Lovino's mouth started to salivate. The chocolate pie looked too good. He found himself craving chocolate pie wrapped in ham. Cranberry sauce mixed with the green bean casserole. Yes. Oh god, yes. He was last in line and just wanted to get to the food. He _needed_ it. He loaded up his plate and sat down with the others who had already dug in, quickly whispered a blessing and crossed himself before jumping at the chance to finally eat.

He didn't notice that everyone had stopped talking and was staring at him. He also didn't realized how quickly he was eating. He felt the eyes on him and felt himself go red. He offered a smile as he swallowed before hugging himself and glancing around. They all looked either disgusted or appaulled.

"That…that's an interesting plate you've got there…" Gilbert started, offering a forced smile.

"Why…why would you do that with food?" Francis asked softly in a horrified voice as he clung to Antonio's arm.

Lovino's breath caught. He sipped on his cup of water and stared at the table. Shit. Of course people didn't do this. He cursed himself. How could he be so stupid? He slunk down in his chair, embarrassed.

"I…It's…we…It's an Italian thing. My dad and brother and I do this every year," he lied as he shifted.

"Oh. Francis were you aware?" Antonio asked.

"Non…" Francis whimpered.

"I don't think that's a thing, Lovino," Antonio smirked. "Why are you eating werid food?" Lovino gaped at him.

"Oh my god, Toni. Are you saying the guy doesn't know his own culture? Don't be rude," Gilbert nudged Toni with a big grin on his face.

"It's not part of his culture. I'm serious though. I worked so hard on this meal with Francis and you're ruining it," Toni whined with a pout. "Try it separately?"

"I…" Lovino wanted to hide. The child inside him started moving once more with a faint sense of nausea as he assumed his baby hit his intestines. The idea of eating anything besides what he craved sounded more than unappetizing.

"Can you two food snobs leave the poor kid alone?" Emma glared. Lovino was starting to really like her.

"Yeah, seriously. Can I try that?" Gilbert asked. Ludwig nodded next to him.

Lovino told them what he'd done and watched as the two Germans tried it together. He was surprised when they said it was good. Lovino smiled at his plate and smiled faintly. Antonio and Francis were talking in hushed voices about people not appreciating good food that they slaved over. Lovino ignored them as best as he could. Right now all he needed was to eat and not only his own body, but his baby's as well.

Everyone helped clean up after they finished eating before they all piled into the living room for a white elephant. Lovino hadn't brought anything, so he watched the friends exchange and steal each other's gifts. It was really entertaining. He'd never heard of a white elephant before. The rules were simple enough. Everyone bought one gift wrapped. Names went into a hat. Lovino was dubbed the drawer. He pulled a name out and that person was able to pick a gift or take someone else's gift. If they took the gift another person had chosen, that person would have to pick other. Each person could only go through two gifts before they were locked in. It was all so interesting for Lovino to watch.

They watched a movie for a bit while they digested. Lovino felt the nagging urge to be close to Antonio, to want his arms around him. He wanted to smell him, a sweet smelling cologne, vanilla, cinnamon, soap and the faintest scent of cigarettes. The Italian had never noticed that he did smell like it just a bit. Somehow it was comforting. He snuggled closer and closer as the hormones in his body pushed him further. What he wouldn't give for those lips to be pressed against his and those hands to be exploring him, lingering touches. He couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm still kind of tired," Lovino said forcing a yawn. "I didn't sleep well and the food has made me groggy. I think I'll go take a nap. Toni, come with me?" Lovino stood and hugged himself as he stood in front of Antonio.

"But Frosty the Snowman, Lovi!"

"Toni," Lovino gave him a look, "I'm really tired."

Antonio seemed to catch on and agreed that he was too. Lovino didn't even care that Antonio's friends were giggling or that they knew exactly what they two were about to do. The hormones had got a hold of him. He couldn't fight them anymore. He needed this.

They were laying on the bed, kissing sweetly. Long lingering kisses. Soft, gentle touches. Lovino loved this. He never like the sex that started off right off the bat. He liked when he and Antonio kissed, Antonio on top of him. Something about the weight was comforting. He felt the Spaniard's hands slide up his hoodie along his torso. Lovino shivered as they made circles around his slightly sore, yet incredibly sensitive nipples. Hands back down, hoodie off. Antonio sat up and took his own shirt off before staring down at Lovino. He giggled slightly.

"What?" Lovino glared.

"When are you giving birth, Lovi?"

Lovino froze and started to shake. How did he know? Lovino swallowed and took a few breaths before asking in a quiet, shaking voice, "W-what?"

"You have a bit of a food baby here," Antonio patted Lovino's stomach. "It's actually really cute."

Lovino glanced down. His heart sank as he saw the small bump in his lower abdomen on his usually flat stomach. The dip between his hip bones was gone, replaced by a small rounded contour of his ever growing uterus. How had he not seen it before? No. No. No! Lovino pushed Antonio off him gently, pulled his hoodie back on and almost ran out of the room into the bathroom attached to Antonio's room.

"Lovi! Lovi, where are you going? I'm sorry!" Toni said through the door. "I didn't know you would be upset. It's cute. You're so cute. Come on, Lovino, I'm sorry."

He locked the door and took a few deep breaths as he pulled the edge of his shirt up. There it was. He trembled, tears coming to his eyes. He put a hand gently on his belly and his lip, shaking his head. No. No. No, this…he knew it'd be soon, but now? He felt the familiar sensation of nausea. He dropped to his knees and emptied the contents of his stomach. He was so scared. It was all too real…way too real.

Lovino wipes his mouth and fell back against the wall, his legs to his chest as he began to sob. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. He had no idea how to even bring it up to Antonio. He should tell him. He should tell him now. What if it went poorly? Matthew was in New York. Feli was with their dad. He couldn't face that alone, but if he was showing now, he'd only continue to get bigger. If he waited for Matthew, he'd certainly be obviously pregnant, wouldn't he? He pulled the worn envelope from the pocket of his hoodie and wiped his tears as he stared at the slightly creased sonogram in his hand. It always made things easier when he started panicking to look at his baby. He loved them more than anything. It had a calming effect.

Suddenly the closet door swung open to reveal it was not a closet door, but another entrance to the bathroom. Lovino had never known the door led to the hallway. How many times had he been here? Gilbert's brother (what was his name again?) was standing in the doorway, a shocked look on his face. His eyes fell on the sonogram Lovino had been too shocked to hide. Lovino, snapping back, pulled the sonogram to his chest, hiding it. He opened his mouth a few times wanting to make a comment. The teen glanced behind him before stepping in and closing the door. Lovino heard a click of the door locking. He

"You're not going to fucking pee in front of me," Lovino glared. The boy shook his head and sat down next to the Italian.

"Can I see that?" he asked softly pointing to the picture. Lovino glanced down, then back up, shaking his head as tears continued to fall.

"It's not…" Lovino couldn't finish the sentence.

"Please? I won't tell anyone."

For whatever reason, Lovino handed the sonogram to the teen, slowly. The boy took it and smiled softly. He glanced at Lovino and handed it back.

"Your baby's very cute," he smiled.

"Grazie. Wait. What are you talking about, asshole?" Lovino glared. "Who says it's my baby?"

"Isn't it? All I'd been hearing for the past few months is about how weird you've been behaving. That's why you slept so late and why you ate that disgusting combination of food," he nudged Lovino, "It's okay. Does Toni know?"

Lovino shook his head. He had hated this guy before, but he wasn't like that annoying teenager from yesterday. He was soft spoken, and kind. His blue eyes seemed to bore into Lovino's soul. He didn't know why he was telling him anything. Maybe because he was Feliciano's age and he was missing his brother so much. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe because he needed someone who would tell him he'd be okay, that everything would be okay.

"I'm so scared. I…I'm only twenty years old. Toni doesn't want kids. He tells me all the time. Not until he's like thirty-five. I…I don't know what to do. My dad hates me. I…I…" Lovino shook his head.

"I've known Antonio my entire life. If I know anything, it's that while he has a plan for his life, he's willing to replan. When Emma got pregnant, before the miscarriage, Antonio was so happy outwardly. He talked to Gil about names and even got some clothes. He'd been the same way up until then. Toni is a really enthusiastic person. If you love him and he loves you, what's stopping you? I know you're scared, but Antonio would never leave."

"I just…I don't know how. It's funny, I've thought about telling him. I didn't get to give him anything for Christmas. I don't have much money…"

"Tell him. I'm sure things will be okay. I'm sorry. I'm not good at these situations. Gilbert tells me I need to have people skills. I just don't get people. It's so confusing."

"No, you helped. Thank you. I forgot your name. I'm sorry. I only heard it a few times and my mind's been lost."

"I don't like my real name. I go by Westley," the teen said almost too quickly. "You can call me West."

"Okay. Thank you, West," Lovino smiled.

"I'm sorry to ask this at this time as you're so upset, but you're Feli Vargas' brother, aren't you?" West's eyes fell to the ground.

"Yeah," Lovino smiled for a split second. "Do you know him?"

"He's the only person who's been nice to me at school. He's sick. How's he doing?" West tugged at his sleeves.

"Um…he's…he actually was getting results back soon to see if he's gone into remission. I haven't been able to talk to him in a week. I miss him," Lovino sighed.

"Tell him Westley says he hopes he's feeling better soon."

Lovino nodded and thanked the teen once more before excusing himself and going back into Antonio's room. It was empty. He picked up his clothes from the floor and went to find Antonio. He wanted to go home. Everyone could see his bump. He needed to leave to think things through. He need to go home and try to call his brother. He couldn't breathe here.

He found Antonio and told him he was feeling sick and needed to leave. Francis and Emma insisted on making Lovino a to go box while Antonio tried to comfort the visibly shaken Lovino who couldn't stop shaking or crying. They said their goodbyes and left much to Lovino's relief.

* * *

Lovino sat silently in the car as Antonio drove him home. He brushed a tear off his cheek and hugged his knees to his chest as he stared out the window. He felt Antonio's hand on his and allowed him to take it, lacing their fingers together. The Spaniard made little circles on the back of his hand before bringing it to his lips, lingering a moment as he planted the kiss.

"I'm sorry you weren't able to spend Christmas with your family," Antonio said softly.

"I-It's okay. I really liked being with you," Lovino replied, this time kissing Antonio's hand.

"I think it would nice to spend it with you every year, what do you say? Until your father comes around at least! I would love that, waking up next to you and wearing Christmas pajamas. It'd be fun. I'd cook you breakfast after we opened presents. It'd be so nice. What do you say, mi amor?" Antonio smiled at him.

"I'd like that." Lovino shifted in his seat. He closed his eyes and took his hand out of Antonio's, hugging himself once more. "Tonio, I'm pregnant," he announced after a moment. He trembled as he waited for his reaction.

"Pregnant?" Antonio smirked and let out a chuckle before erupting in a hearty laugh. "You're pregnant. Okay."

"Seriously?" Lovino sat up slightly as relief filled him.

"You know that's not a funny joke. I don't appreciate it. You _know_ how I feel about having kids and you think it's nice to joke about that? We're not even dating. I don't want to date you, okay? You made it clear that you just want to get fucked senseless and I've come to terms with that. Would I like to one day? Maybe. Yes, probably. I don't know anymore. Fucking pregnant? Are you inept?" Antonio shot him a glare.

"Wait, what? You just...you just said we'd spend Christmas together…" Lovino trembled, confused.

"Yeah. As friends. You know Emma and Francis and I have all been together. I don't want to date them. I'd be down for sex, but they're my friends. I consider you a friend," Antonio glared. Lovino was getting scared. Antonio wasn't making sense. He was being consistant.

"I'm sorry…" Lovino whispered, tears filling his eyes. "You're right. It wasn't funny."

"Aye, Lovinito, don't cry! I wasn't trying to be mean. I just...it's hard for me to imagine my life being over like that. Good thing it's impossible, huh?" he winked and nudged the boy.

"Well...it is possible actually," Lovino whispered.

"Okay, for like what? One out of one hundred thousand? It's not possible for _you_."

"Yeah…"

Lovino played with his pants. He'd wasn't stupid. He knew he couldn't keep it up for much longer. He would be obviously showing soon. He already had that tiny bump in his abdomen. A lump rose in his throat as he realized what it all meant. Antonio didn't want him. Without him, he couldn't work, stay in school and raise a baby. He needed to work full time or more in order to have enough money for medical bills and expenses that came with a child. It meant he had to withdrawal from the spring session. He just couldn't do it. It was impossible. All his hard work and effort, the stress, the anxiety he felt over the MCAT, the expenses, leaving home, all of it was in vain. He'd be dropping out of his university with a 4.0 GPA with only three semesters left before a bachelors degree, abandoning a full ride scholarship, and leaving behind three honor societies he was an officer in.

"Are you okay, Lovi?" Antonio asked, putting his arm around Lovino.

"Mhm," Lovino pulled away slightly. "Antonio, if...if this isn't going anywhere...why don't we just end it?"

Antonio slammed on the breaks eliciting angry honks from drivers behind him. He waved out the window and pulled into the shoulder before looking Lovino in the eyes. He took his face and kissed him gently. Lovino shook as Antonio brushed his hair gently out of his face. He studied him.

"What are you asking, Lovino?" Antonio whispered.

"Date me exclusively or don't talk to me at all," Lovino blinked rapidly.

"Why now? Why are you saying this now? I thought...you said you loved me and I love you. Why?"

"If you decide to be my boyfriend and only my boyfriend, you are accepting everything, including things you don't want. Everything, Antonio," Lovino felt his heart racing and aching all at once.

"What? Because I said I don't want kids anytime soon? And you do? Don't you want to be a doctor, Lovi? Aren't you not wanting distractions so you can pull yourself out of poverty? You can't do that with a kid. Or are you going to use me for that?" Antonio's voice was icy.

"I am not using you for you damn money!" Lovino shouted. "I fucking hate that you think that! Of course I want to be a fucking doctor you asshole! I have a damn 4.0 GPA. I shadow my boss ten fucking hours a week _and_ transcribe his damn notes for another 10. I am the vice president of two honor societies and the secretary of another. I have set myself up to get there. And then I met you and everything fucking changed and I just...answer me," Lovino was shaking as he stared at him.

"I love you, Lovino. I love you so, so much. Sure, I'll be your boyfriend, but no kids! It's not like it's possible for you to get pregnant and I refuse to adopt for a while. I do want kids eventually, just not now, okay?" Antonio ran his hands down Lovino's sides. "I love you."

"You know they said that the men who can have children don't know until it happens. What...what would you do if I wasn't joking?" Lovino whispered. "What if it was real?"

"It's not, so let's not talk about such silly things."

"Antonio, the night, the night you came over and I got really drunk and...you know. Did...did you use a condom?" Lovino tugged at his sleeves, not able to look up.

"No. I had one and it broke and Matt's door was locked and of course you didn't have any, you little nerd," Antonio kissed his cheek. "And you were so hot and bothered and you just wanted me to fuck you and you begged me to just do it. I offered to go to the gas station and grab some, but you insisted. I'm clean, Lovi. And you were a virgin who'd never even been kissed. It wasn't like you could get pregnant, so I thought what the hell?"

Lovino's stomach sank. He'd had a feeling all this time that was when it happened. He never remembered there being a problem. A sob escaped him. He'd gotten pregnant his first time. It hadn't even been his active choice. He couldn't even remember the night he conceived their child. It made him sick. Antonio rubbed his back.

"Don't cry! Oh, god, don't cry!"

"You're a fucking idiot!" Lovino sobbed.

"I'll get tested and show you that I'm clean. Dios mio, what is wrong?"

"I TOLD YOU!" the boy shouted. "Just take me home."

"Okay…"

They drove in silence with nothing but Lovino's occasional sniffles and ragged breathing. He was so happy to be home. He jumped out of the car, not waiting for Antonio to start a makeout session as per usual. He didn't want Antonio coming up for sex. He just wanted to be alone. Antonio wouldn't have that. He grabbed Lovino's hand and pulled him in a tight hug.

"It's true," Lovino whispered.

"What?" Antonio asked. Lovino couldn't bear to say the words again.

"You know…"

"Huh?" When Lovino didn't answer, Antonio sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm here for everything. I swear," he whispered.

"Please mean it," Lovino whispered.

"I do."

Lovino closed the door gently and dragged himself to his bed. He ran his fingertips over his tiny bump and hummed softly. He sighed and rubbed his face. What had even been the point? He had told him. He had finally told him and for what? And why had Antonio been acting so weird? He was contradicting himself as though he weren't able to think clearly. Had he been drinking much?

His phone rang next to him. He smiled when he saw Feli's precancer picture on the screen. He answered.

"Buena natale," he muttered.

"Buena natalie! I"m in remission!" Feli sang.

"What? You are? Oh my god, wow!" Lovino laughed as he sat up.

"Yeah! My doctor called to tell us because he said he knew it'd be such a great present for Christmas. He called this morning, but I wasn't allowed to call until just now. I still have maintenance therapy. He says it'll be for three years, but that should keep it from returning. Ugh, I don't want more chemo…" Feli whined the last bit.

"It's not goint be as intense or as frequent, right? Are you going back to high school or…?" Lovino aske forgetting about Antonio for the time being.

"No. Papa doesn't want to risk me getting sick. My immune system will still be bad. I don't wnt to go back either. I realized i don't have friends…"

"Oh! Feli, um, do you know someone named Wesley?"

"Yes. Nobody was his friend, so I tried. Obviously he didn't want to be my friend," Feliciano sighed. "I only talked to him a few times and I invited him to a party, but he got all weird and left and-"

"Feli."

"Oh, sorry," Feliciano giggled. It was like sunshine to Lovino.

"He's one of Toni's friends' little brother. He was asking about you. He said you were nice to him and he hopes you get better soon," Lovino said softly.

"Oh…" Feli was quiet. "So did you have Christmas with Toni?"

"I told him."

"What?" Feli gasped. "Why didn't you say so? How'd it go?"

"I don't know…" Lovino admitted rubbing his eyes.

"You don't know?"

"He...He didn't believe me and he got mad and he was saying he didn't want to date me, that I was immature when he'd just been acting like we were dating. Then he says we're just friends and I'm crying and he says he wants to date me? He agreed to be exclusive, right? But I told him it was true and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, like his mind wasn't focusing. He...I don't know."

"Lovino, don't get in the car with drunk people," Feliciano sighed.

"I don't think he was drunk. He just..he seemed scrambled."

"Because he was drunk. Ugh, Papa's saying I have to get off. I'm sorry. I love you, Lovi. Tell him again."

"Okay, bye. Love you."

Lovino hung up the phone. No, Antonio knew. He promised. He wasn't saying it again.

* * *

**_Wow, I can't believe this was almost 10K words! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry again for the length. Please review._**


	16. Chapter 16

_**Okay, so this chapter is really intense. I wrote parts of this months ago, but I tried to make it flow when I proofread. If anything is hard to understand, let me know. **_

_**Also I wrote a fic with a little background into Roma's life before the boys' mom died. It's called Riches to Rags if you're interested.**_

* * *

Pregnant.

The word rang through Antonio's mind as he laid in his bed staring at the ceiling. His body refused to move, his mind refused to stop tormenting him. A few tears slipped down his face. He'd called into work. He couldn't force a smile today. He was out of energy completely. The happiness and impulsive bliss of the holidays had abandoned his body leaving just the shell of misery. The problem was that nothing was wrong.

Pregnant.

The word made his stomach sick. He wanted to scream into his pillow. Lovino wasn't pregnant. He seemed so serious, but no. Lovino couldn't be pregnant. He didn't have those parts. It wasn't as though Antonio hadn't seen him in all his toned, naked glory. He knew what he had. But then why would Lovino say that he was? Why would he act so serious? Why would he cry about it?

Pregnant.

It was all he'd thought about the last two weeks. He'd been less and less patient as his mind swam. Lovino talked about work and school and his brother as if everything were okay, even if he was withdrawn and refusing sex. Antonio was getting frustrated. There was only so much he could deal with at once. He wanted to bring up what Lovino had told him on Christmas, but part of him didn't want to know the answer. He felt so confused, so dazed. His thoughts wouldn't finish. It was a mess.

A knock at his door freed him from the exhaustion. Francis came in with two cups of steaming liquid. Antonio stared at him. The man handed a cup to Antonio and sat on the edge of the bed with a small smile on his face and brushed his blonde hair back. God, he was beautiful. Antonio shifted to sit up and sip the tea.

"Are you feeling sick again today?" Francis asked.

"Si. I just feel so nauseous and weak," Antonio muttered.

"This happens to you more often than it should. You've rarely been sick a day I've known you." Francis hugged his cardigan around him.

"I know…I've gone to the doctor. Apparently it's lack of sleep that's making me susceptible," Antonio lied. He hated lying, but how could he say that he was so sad over nothing at all that he physically couldn't get out of bed.

"Well maybe you should let your little boyfriend get some rest too, no?" The man winked and sipped his own tea. "I can make you soup if you'd like."

"I'm okay," Antonio hugged his knees and stared at the sheets. What was wrong?

"Franny?" Antonio whispered after a minute.

"Hm?" Francis's blue eyes sparkled.

"Lovino told me something on Christmas and I don't know what to think…" Antonio started.

"Go on! You know how much I love to help love find a way," he smiled.

"He says…he told he was pregnant, but he hasn't brought it up since then. He won't let me touch him really. I mean we'll kiss, but he's been strange. I mean, he can't be pregnant. He's a guy with no vagina…I…" Antonio sighed and shook his head. "Nevermind. It's so silly. He was joking."

Francis thought for a moment and slowly met Antonio's eyes. He wet his lips as he contemplated how to put his answer before offering a soft smile.

"How do you feel about Lovino, Toni? Honestly."

"I…" Antonio didn't want to talk. He wanted nothing more than to sleep and never wake up. He shrugged.

"Toni…it's important," Francis squeezed his hand.

"I love him, I do, but he's confusing and he makes me feel so strangely. I don't…It's complicated with him. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know what he means when he speaks. I…" Antonio bit the inside of his cheeks until they bled. "Honestly, I just wanted to fuck him. I saw him and I mean, Matt wanted Emma. So I think to myself, if he's going to take something from me, I should take something from him, right? So I tell Matt, if I introduce him to Em, he's introducing me to his cute, little, closeted, never been touched roommate. Obviously, I didn't know for sure, but I had my suspicions, you know? And I found out I was right and I was thinking to myself how long it'd been since I was with someone inexperienced. I missed it and I just wanted to taste innocence again, okay? And I was feeling so great. I…I found it amusing when I made him blush and stutter. It was cute. It was thrilling, like, like a chase. And I find out Matt's working late and Lovi's alone. So I get off and head over there thinking I'll play it cool. Maybe I could kiss him or something. Break the ice. And he was a mess, Franny! I mean…And I…We…Franny have you ever been someone's first kiss and fuck at the same time? I mean…I've never seen someone fall that hard. And. I. Loved. It. I loved the look on his face as he experienced being touched and kissed and sucked and…and when I slipped my fingers in him, Francis…" Antonio shook his head as a few tears fell down his face. "Seeing his eyes so wanting and scared and just so many emotions, his eyes are expressive, it was like a drug to me. I couldn't resists and I pushed into him knowing full well I shouldn't and his eyes were so wide and he bit his lip and sighed and whimpered and squirmed, but he asked for more. He kissed me like I'd never been kissed and that first sound of pleasure…I…I think I'm addicted to him, Franny. I need that when I'm with him. It's so hard to be next to him and know that I'm the only one who has ever touched him and I just need more. I feel like I want to ravage him…"

"ANTONIO, STOP!" Francis shouted.

It was only then that Antonio realized he'd been on a rant, ignoring his friend's protests. He had to bite his lips to keep his mouth from moving. He needed to cry and scream and…and Francis was talking. The man made himself focus on his friend's words.

"…and it's really shocking to hear you talk about someone this way. What happened to the Toni who I grew up with?"

"I…" Antonio stared at the sheets once more.

"If you only think of him as a conquest, Antonio, then what does it matter to you whether he's serious or not? If you don't truly love and respect him, then what are you even doing? Honestly, I'm so ashamed of you! And Emma was never yours! She's her own person!"

"Stop lecturing me, Franny," Antonio whined falling back on his bed not worrying about knocking the cup to the floor.

"No! Why are you playing with him, Toni? Why would you do that to someone? He's such a sweet kid and you're palying with him!" Francis had tears in his eyes. "You don't play with a person's heart. You don't rip something away from them that they felt was valuable. You told us he wanted his first time to be beautiful. He's had hopes and dreams and you ruined it! I never thought you of all people would end up like all those guys who break my heart playing with me…"

"Newsflash, Francis, those guys you pick up in bars and clubs don't want you. They don't want to talk about art and food and culture. They want to fuck and you know that, yet you get into your head that a guy who kissed you and had his hands down your pants before he even said hi could ever love you. And you don't know a fucking thing about me and Lovino, you don't," Antonio was shaking.

"Where would I find a guy, Toni? I'm a kindergarten teacher who works as a bartender and I go out with my idiot friends. I am in that setting more than not. Do I want to pick up someone there? No! I'd rather go to an art gallery or a coffee shop, but I can't!"

"Lovino's my rock," Antonio whispered suddenly. "He keeps me from falling. It's like I'm hanging on the edge and he's the only one holding me up. He's the only thing keeping me from drowning and maybe, maybe I fucked up, but I swear to god, Francis, if I lose him, I'm going to fall in the pits of darkness and I am so scared of that. I…" Antonio broke down finally, sobbing, unable to stop.

* * *

Lovino tugged at his sleeve as he read the next question. He needed to pee so badly. His child was sitting on his bladder making it hard to focus on his MCAT. He cursed the scheduled breaks only rule. He shifted, pressing gently upward on his small bump hoping to ease the pressure. The child kicked in protest. He was miserable. Not to mention he was starving, or that he was starting to get aches and pains. He shifted and gently rubbed his lower back, closing his eyes. He was still so small, why did it hurt so much? Heartburn, bloating, swelling. He sighed and took a moment to push it out of his mind before returning to the test.

He finished his section and was relieved to be able to take a break, eat something, pee. He stood up and tensed as a shooting pain traveled from his groin to just below his belly button. He grabbed the chair, letting out a small squeak of pain, eliciting a few glares in his direction. He breathed slowly, in and out, before slowly standing and brushing the tears out of his eyes.

He finished the test after six grueling hours of discomfort, mentally and physically exhausted. He walked outside and found Toni smoking a cigarette outside. The Spaniard flashed Lovino a smile, and took one last drag before putting it out and hugging him. Lovino let himself melt again him. He was starving and still in painful discomfort. He just needed comfort.

They talked about the test…sort of. Lovino was too focused on trying not to cry. He needed to lie down and take antacid. Besides that, he was sure he'd failed. He was barely able to concentrate. Pregnancy was not being nice to him. Antonio agreed to get burgers and fries (his main craving these days), commenting on how Lovino was breaking his diet.

"Shut the fuck up…" Lovino mumbled as he hugged his knees to his chest. It helped. Antonio laughed and talked, though Lovino didn't pay attention as they drove to Lovino's apartment. They ate silently before Lovino couldn't take it anymore and went to lie down. Antonio held him close.

"So what's the plan?" Antonio asked lacing his fingers with his boyfriend's.

"I don't know. I mean, I want to be a doctor so badly, but I don't know what to do if I actually get it. Would you be free while I was at school?" Lovino's golden green eye stared into Antonio's.

"Probably not. I'm a chef. It'd be perfect, huh?" Antonio giggled. "Having the same schedule?"

"I…I don't know…" Lovino sat up, wincing and holding his stomach as both sides caused pain. Lovino couldn't take it. He started sobbing.

"Lovi, what's wrong?" Antonio asked sitting quickly.

"I can't take this, Toni! It hurts and I'm scared and I just don't know anymore!" the boy cried into his chest.

"Shhhh, it's okay. I know you've been planning this since you were a little kid. Feeling like you did poorly can be painful, true, but you're the smartest person I know! You'll be okay. I know you passed your MCAT. Don't worry," Antonio smiled, wiping Lovino's tears away.

"What?" Lovino narrowed his eyes. "Toni, I'm not talking about the t-"

"You'll be a great doctor."

Lovino stared at him. He blinked a few times. Did Antonio really think he was this upset over the test? Sure, he was nervous for the test, but this pregnancy terrified him. He'd told Antonio…

"What I told you on Christmas…" Lovino said slowly. "About the baby."

Something flashed in Antonio's eyes. He stood up and glared at Lovino.

"You're still on that fucking prank?" Antonio hissed.

"No, Toni, I told you-"

"It's fucking bullshit and you know it!" Antonio shouted causing Lovino to flinch. Antonio paced back and forth and shoved Lovino's things off his desk. The Italian froze, eyes wide.

"What…?" he whispered.

"Shut up! I'm so fucking sick of you!" Antonio snapped as he paced, gripping his hair. "I…I told you it's not funny. I…I told you to stop. Fuck! Lovino, do you know how hard it was for me to get up this afternoon to pick you up? I have been so…" Antonio shook his head. "And you're going to-?"

"Toni…" Lovino whimpered.

"You know what? Let's humor your fucking joke, shall we?" Antonio laughed. "Get a fucking abortion. How about that? You can't take it? You're scared? Abort the fucking thing. Just stop."

"What? Toni, I'm a practicing Catholic. I can't do that," Lovino whispered.

"Ha! That's hilarious! You'll hook up with a guy don't even know, but god forbid you get an abortion. Yeah, be gay. Have gay sex. Whatever. You know it's funny because I thought you were okay. I thought that you were someone I could trust, ya know? I just…FUCK!" Antonio kicked the wall, leaving a hole. "Abort your fucking joke!"

"Get. Out." Lovino glared, shaking.

"What?" Antonio glared back.

"I said get out. I don't want to ever see your fucking face again! GET OUT!" Lovino yelled through his tears, hugging his stomach protectively. "I hate you. It's over."

"Lovi…Lovi, no. No!" Antonio shook his head as tears fell. "I'm sorry! I…I…it's just a joke, Lovi. Why are you so upset? I'll pay for your wall. I'm so sorry! I don't know…I…I've been trying so hard to be okay for you! Please!"

Lovino felt sick. He knew what this meant. He slowly climbed off the bed, eyes glued to the floor. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be with someone who would actually want him to abort their child. He had told Antonio his thoughts. He was tired of being made fun of for his personal beliefs. He was sick to death of Antonio being hot and cold.

"Lovi…" Antonio whispered through his tears.

Lovino took his hand and led him through the apartment to the front door. Lovino stood there, staring at him. He felt something in him was about to break. Matthew would be back in a week. He'd tell him. He'd have someone help him. Maybe not permanently, but maybe Matthew would understand. Lovino could keep his child in his room. Everything would be okay. He didn't…

Lovino kissed Antonio gently one last time before pushing him out of apartment. He slid down the door, sobbing. It was over. Everything was over. Maybe he'd get to keep going to school. But he'd never get married. He'd never have his happy ending. Who wanted to be with a guy who had a kid?

* * *

Antonio knocked desperately on Lovino's door, begging him to forgive him. A joke. Everything ended because of a stupid prank Lovino decided to play. No. He couldn't let that happen. Lovino was his glue. He knew he was on the edge of a break. He couldn't…

Antonio stood back and stared at the white door with 618 in black letters. He laughed softly. He knew how to fix this. He'd show Lovino how committed he was to him. He'd propose. They'd get married. The darkness wouldn't swallow him. He'd have a reason to fight to live. He'd feel normal. Yeah. Yeah, that's what he'd do. No more lying in bed feeling close to dying. No more exhausting spouts of ecstatic happiness. He'd survive. There was nothing wrong with him. Nothing. He wouldn't fall apart. Lovino would hold him together.

The man turned and ran to his car. He could do this. Lovino liked silver. He'd get matching silver wedding bands. His Lovi wanted a house in the country side. He'd described it in detail to Antonio once before, but he remembered it all. It'd be tucked away in the woods near the city, but far enough away to forget about the world. Lovino wanted a swing from a big oak tree. He'd get Lovino's dream house built. Everything would be okay. He'd be okay.

* * *

Lovino shakily walked through his university to the registrar's office. He was so sick. He'd thought it over. If Antonio had reacted this way and his father had too, why would he think Matthew would be okay with him having a fucking baby and having it live in their apartment? What if Lovino couldn't make the rent? What if the baby cried too much? Matthew would hate him. He'd already called his boss to let him know he was leaving. He needed another job. He'd been set up at another hospital as a full time medical scribe. He could work from home as long as he typed everything up.

"May I help you?" a late middle aged woman asked him, glancing at the clock. They closed in ten minutes.

"I…um…I…I have to…um…" Lovino wrung his hands as he fought the tears.

"Look, we close soon and I want to be out of here. Did you forget to sign up for classes when they were open online?" she asked in a bored tone.

"No. No, I…I have all my classes. I need to," Lovino closed his eyes as he took a few deep breaths, "I need to withdraw from the university completely…permanently."

The woman looked at him, the same bored expression. "Full name and student ID number."

"Romano Lovino Vargas," Lovino muttered along with the ID number.

"I'll also need a student ID card," she sighed.

Lovino handed it to her, hugging his stomach looking around. Everyone knew. They had to. How could they not? He was huge.

She handed him a form to fill out and began typing into the computer. He filled it out, wiping the tears as he wrote. The woman gasped and narrowed her eyes at her computer then sat back. She glanced at Lovino.

"Are you sure you want to withdraw? You have a perfect GPA and you're on a full ride scholarship," she said confused.

"I know. I…Life…" He looked everywhere, but at the registrar.

"Look, honey," she glanced at the computer once more and took the form from him, "let's just say you're taking a semester off. I know life happens, but if you go permanently inactive, you'll have reapply and your scholarship would be lost. You financial aid won't ever recover this much if you go permanently and decide to come back."

"No, I don't think I'll come back," Lovino whispered.

"You're a double major in biochemistry and biomedical science with a premedical track, 4.0 GPA, full ride scholarship, three semesters away from graduating. Do you realize how impressive this is? I know it's stressful. Your major has a 30% graduation rate, but just wait it out. You can come back next August and reregister and you won't lose a thing," she smiled.

"O-O-Okay…" Lovino whispered glancing at the people around him. He knew they were staring, whispering. They knew everything. He took his ID and ran to his car.

He got home and instantly put his car up for sale online. He needed money. He'd worked two years for it. He saved every penny. And this was the end. He immediately had offers. He texted Matthew that he wouldn't be able to pick him and Alfred up from the airport since he was selling the car.

* * *

Lovino returned home after meeting with the buyer for his car. He'd taken a bus home. He fumbled with the keys outside his apartment door. He could not get himself to stop shaking. All day he felt as if people were staring at him and talking about him. Every time a group of people laughed or whispered near him, he felt as though he were the center of their conversation. _They knew._ The thought had been running through his head all day. He didn't know how they knew, but he knew that they knew. He had to be obviously showing already, that was the only way they would know. His baggy hoodies didn't hide it anymore.

He took a deep breath as the key finally slipped into the hole. He turned it and opened the door. Alfred and Matthew were sitting on the couch with a bowl of chips between them watching something on television. They'd been home a few days. Matthew smiled at him and greeted him warmly. Lovino mumbled a response.

"Hey, Lovino, dude, have you eaten?" Alfred asked his characteristic grin. "We ordered a pizza and we saved you some," Alfred gestured toward the kitchen.

Lovino froze as irrational thoughts filled his mind and overwhelmed his psyche. Did Alfred know? Had he gained weight? Did he think he had eaten and that's why he was in the shape he was? Lovino felt anxiety overflowing from his chest to his entire body. He blinked back the tears in his eyes.

"Lovino, dude, are you okay? I just know that you love pizza and-" Lovino didn't wait for him to finish. He rushed to his bedroom and locked the door behind him. He almost ran to the bathroom. He pulled off his jacket before removing his shirt. He kicked off his pants and stood sideways as he stared into the mirror. He bit his lip as tears filled his eyes. The near straight line of his front torso was thrown off by _that bump_. It _was_ huge. He had been right. Lovino stared in horror. He placed a hand on his lower abdomen fighting the urge to run. He couldn't tear his eyes away.

He felt as if time had stopped. The walls were caving in around him threatening to crumble in around him. Tears poured down his face as the panic filled his body once again. He felt cold and hot at the same time. There was a burning in his chest threatening him. Lovino collapsed to his knees, sobbing, gasping. His body wracked with sobs.

Suddenly he stood up. All he could think about was his little brother who could always make him feel better. Feliciano, who's heart was always open and kind and accepting, that was who he needed. He couldn't really talk to anyone else anyway. He shakily stood and grabbed a duffel bag, throwing all of his clothes in. For the first time he was thankful for having so little. He filled his backpack with his textbooks. He rushed out of his room heading for the door.

Matt grabbed him by the shoulders, stopping him in his tracks. Lovino couldn't do this, not now. Matthew's face was scrunched in concern as he examined his best friend. Lovino's eyes were wild and full of tears. His face was red. He looked exhausted. His body was trembling.

"Lovi, Lovi, what's wrong?" Matthew asked in his calm, soft voice.

"I…I…I…Feli…home," Lovino couldn't form a sentence. His eyes were searching all over the room as his head spun side to side. His arms were moving haphazardly, pulling at his hair, rubbing his face, tugging at his clothes.

"Lovino, breathe. You need to calm down," Matthew soothed. He glanced over at his brother who sat silent for the first time in his life. "Alfred, I need you to help. Stand in front of the door. He can't leave in this state," the man ordered before turning back to his friend.

"Mattie…Feli…I…go," Lovino stammered, gasping and shaking stronger.

Matthew continued to talk to him, instructing him to breathe. Lovino occasionally broke from Matt's grip, but always Matthew would grab him again. Alfred refused to let Lovino open the door. The scene was chaotic.

Lovino just wanted to leave. He could feel his body becoming exhausted. He collapsed against Matthew, hugging him, clawing at his shirt. He was comforted by Matthew's calm demeanor and soft words. He felt his body relaxing as his best friend rubbed his back. He pulled away after a moment and brushed tears off with his sleeve.

"I have to go, Mattie," Lovino whispered. "I can't stay here. I'm sorry. I don't mean to skip out on the lease, but I can't stay. I need to go. I need to go home and see my brother."

"Did something happen with your brother?" Matthew asked softly. Lovino shook his head. Why could Matthew not let him leave?

"I need him right now," Lovino muttered.

"Did something happen with Toni?"

"I'm so stupid. Mattie…I can't stay here," Lovino plead. He glanced at the door, frustrated to see Alfred standing there with wide eyes staring at him. "Please…"

"Don't worry about it, Lovi. My brother practically lives here and he doesn't really have a place. It's about time he stopped mooching and started paying for his own room," Matthew smiled and glanced at Alfred who protested.

"O-Okay," Lovino cried.

"You don't have a car. You're not going on a train or bus like this. You can have my car. I know you don't have the money to buy it, but I'm selling it to you now for $500. When you can afford it, just send it to me," Matthew pulled the key off his keychain, extending it toward the distraught Italian before him.

"Mattie, I…" Lovino didn't know what to say. Matthew had been his best friend since they met two and a half years prior. He never expected this to happen. He shook his head and backed away. "Matthew, I can't…I can't take your car."

"Lovino, if Alfie is moving in here there's no need for us to have two cars. It's expensive, a waste of money, and terrible for the environment. Go on, take the key. It's yours," Matthew insisted. His smiled comforted Lovino.

The younger man slowly raised his hand and took the keys. His eyes dropped. He muttered his thanks to the older man. Matthew insisted on Lovino staying and drinking a glass of water to calm him before he hugged him tightly and allowed him to go once he had calmed down enough for him to be comfortable to let him leave. Lovino found Matthew's black Honda and almost ran to it. He was only half an hour from seeing Feliciano, from comfort, from escape. Lovino was sick at the thought of the turn of his life.

* * *

Antonio, Francis, Gilbert and Emma were sitting around Emma's apartment enjoying their evening. Francis had brought wine as per usual, which everyone except Gilbert was enjoying. Francis was complaining about his students' parents as he rubbed his face. Apparently they were not happy with discovering that he as a bartender on the side.

"On top of everything, my boss calls me in to his office today and told me that it was inappropriate and unprofessional! I'm sorry, but maybe if you paid me a proper wage, I wouldn't need supplemental income!" He held his head in his hands.

"Drink s'more, Franny!" Gilbert pushed a bottle of wine into his friend's hand.

"Merci, mon ami. It's just, like, if you have five or six year old child, why are you even in the bar? I am a grown man. I went through university to get my degree and certifications. I worked hard and I have bills and loans to pay," the man whined.

"You know, Francis, perhaps it isn't appropriate for a kindergarten teacher to work in local bars," Emma advised.

"What's inappropriate is a six year old's parent going out to the bar on a Tuesday,' Francis rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Tough luck, Franny," Gilbert patted his friend on the back.

"Merci," Francis offered a kind smile to his friend.

"Toni, you're quiet this evening," Emma observed. She leaned toward him with a smile, nudging him with her foot.

"I'm going ask Lovi to marry me," Antonio announced with a smile. He glanced around at his obviously surprised friends. His smile fell as his friends remained silent. Emma and Francis glanced at each other. "Look, I know I always said I wanted to be in my mid-thirties before settling down, but I really like this guy. I know what I want. I'm in love with him and I want to be there for him every step of the way to his dream and our future. It's exciting," Antonio's voice was cheerful.

"Toni…mon ami…amour…I do not know if that is a good idea," Francis gently advised, patting the Spaniard on the arm.

"Why-?"

"Because he's a _child_, Antonio," Gilbert's voice was unusually serious. The three others stared at him surprised.

"Lovino is hardly a child, Gil. He's twenty," Emma gave Antonio a smile.

"He's twenty. He's a child," Gilbert affirmed. "You propose to this kid, you ruin everything."

"I love him," Antonio hissed. He reached into his pocket and set the ring on the table.

"Antonio…" Emma began before trailing off and sipping on her wine instead.

"If it's love…" Francis chewed his lip for a moment. "Just...Just think about this before you do anything."

"I'm going to do it tomorrow," Antonio beamed.

"You are fucking moron," Gilbert snapped. His friends stared at him.

"Gilbert, no," Francis attempted to silence the German.

"I've held back this long, but I draw the line. He's twenty years old and you're twenty-six. You may know what you want, but Lovino is twenty years old. He's in college, _pre-med_, Toni, _pre-med_! He has a path that he's on that does not allow for a relationship. You marry him and you ruin his life. You need to stop ruining his life already, Toni!" Gilbert snapped, his eyes narrowing.

"I'm not ruining his life. We love each other," Toni snapped defensively.

"No, Toni, you aren't even dating him. You are just hanging out with him and fucking the shit out of the poor kid! He doesn't want a relationship with you. You don't even know him! You met him less than a year ago. When you first went over to Matt's house, you knew he found you appealing and you thought it would be funny to play with him. You wouldn't leave him alone. It was a big fucking joke to you. Matthew told you that the kid wasn't ready to come out of the damn closet yet and did you listen? NO! Every single time you saw that poor, flustered, sexually frustrated kid, you felt the need to mess with him. He was nothing more than a conquest and Matthew got protective because that's his best friend. And before you even realized it, you liked him. You wanted him and anyone with half a brain could have seen he didn't want to fucking talk to you! He wanted you to leave him alone! But you insisted!" Gilbert growled.

"I admit that I started out because he was fun to mess with, but he's so sweet and smart and-"

"I've put guys like you in prison, Toni," Gilbert's voice was ice. "You go over and you knew that Matt wasn't home. You wanted to see Lovino. He's fucking sobbing and a mess because he just found out his little brother has cancer. _You_ suggest drinking. He ends up drunk and starts trying to kiss you and _you_ kiss him. _You_ decide to fuck him knowing he was a virgin. _You _got him drunk and _you_ fucked him anyway," Gilbert snarled, his eyes wild.

"I did not know he was drunk, Gil," Antonio insisted.

"BULL FUCKING SHIT! You drank a bottle of wine between the two of you and you admitted he drank about two-thirds of it. Then you give him vodka shots! He's not one of us veteran drinkers! This kid probably drinks a glass of wine with dinner because he's Italian," Gilbert shook his head and let out a nervous laugh. "The law, Toni, would send you to prison. Not only did you provide alcohol to a minor and aid in the intoxication of a minor, you had sex with after the consumption of a large amount of alcohol," Gilbert took a few gulps of beer. "In the law, Toni, if alcohol is involved the intoxicated party cannot give consent. According to the law, sex without consent is rape. _You raped him_, Toni. You fucking _raped_ this _kid_."

The room was silent. Francis and Emma refused to make eye contact. Antonio was staring at Gilbert with wide, teary eyes as he bit his lip hard. He could taste blood. Gilbert was wrong. Antonio shook his head.

"No," he whispered before clearing his throat and shouting, "I did not rape him! It was consensual!" Antonio breathing was ragged.

"Consensual?" Gilbert took a long sip of his beer before swirling his drink in his glass watching as the amber liquid licked at the edges. His eyes met Antonio's. "Really? You still believe that? Tell us again, what did he do the next morning?"

Antonio stared at Gilbert as he began to shake. He glanced at Francis and Emma who were staring at the ground, silently. Did they agree? Antonio looked at his feet and hung his head. "He…He didn't remember a thing. He was scared and crying. He…He was so upset about not remembering losing his virginity," Antonio raised his eyes to meet the German's gaze, "but he was not upset that we had sex. He was upset that he didn't remember and he was scared because he didn't know what happened. He didn't have a problem that we had sex," Antonio recanted.

"Toni, the law is black and white. You raped this kid and he didn't know because he liked you and he probably doesn't know the law and he probably doesn't want to acknowledge that what you did is wrong," Gilbert insisted. "I love you, Toni. You have been one of my two best friends since we were thirteen, but I can't let you ruin this kid anymore. I can't let you mess with him anymore. He tells you in clear terms what he wants from you and you _never_ listen," Gilbert's voice was ice.

There was a knock at the door and Emma jumped up. Antonio watched her open the door. Matthew and Alfred walked in. Matthew looked upset. His eyes were apologetic and his brow was slightly furrowed. He kept chewing his lip. Alfred had his lips sucked in, hands in his pockets and was looking everywhere to keep from looking at anyone.

"Antonio, I need to talk to you," Matthew said softly.

"What about?" Antonio inquired.

"Alone. I need to talk to you alone," Matthew gently coaxed.

"Tell me in front of my friends, Matthew. I can tell it's bad and I can't talk about anything bad to them again," Antonio pled.

"Toni, please, in your room," Matthew urged.

"Just tell me," Antonio insisted.

"" 'sNotComingBack," Alfred blurted out. His hands snapped to his mouth. Matthew turned around. Alfred's eyes widened and backed up as Matthew walked toward him. He punched him.

"You were supposed to keep your damn mouth shut!" Antonio watched as Matthew roughed up his younger brother who was insisting he didn't mean it.

"There's your answer," Gilbert smirked.

"You know what, Gil? I hate this version of you, this lawyer version," Antonio spat trying to keep the tears from falling.

"I am just telling you the truth! Everyone agrees!"

Antonio looked to Emma and Francis. "Do…Do you guys agree?"

"It _is_ a little fucked up, Toni. I'm sorry," Emma said softly.

"Toni, give it up," Francis said gently.

Antonio narrowed his eyes. "At least I'm in love with someone who reciprocates my feelings and not in love with my cousin's fiancée."

Gilbert narrowed his eyes and slammed his beer on the table before standing up. He was shaking and visibly hurt. "Looks to me like he doesn't give two shits about you. He left you, not that I blame him after what you did to him. Didn't he lose his family because of you? I hope your heart's shattered because you sure as hell deserve it, you piece of shit," Gilbert stormed out.

"WE'RE NOT FRIENDS!" Antonio shouted after him. Gilbert held a middle finger up without looking back.

"I WAS THINKING THE SAME DAMN THING!" He yelled back before slamming the door.

Francis and Emma glanced at Matthew and Alfred who missed the whole thing while Matthew was teaching Alfred the consequences of his actions before looking at Antonio who was sobbing into his arms. Francis rubbed his back and Emma hugged him.

"It wasn't your fault he left. You had no right to bring up Elizabeta though, Toni." Emma kissed his cheek.

"You shouldn't speak when you're angry," Francis agreed.

"He's gone. Lovino's gone. I...I didn't get to fix everything. What am I going to do?" Antonio sobbed.

* * *

**_Thank you for reading! Please review. _**


	17. Chapter 17

_**I feel like I've been working on this chapter forever. I'm sorry it took so long. **_

* * *

Snow crunched under Lovino's feet as he walked slowly through the field. He hugged his jacket around his body, shivering. The trees were as black and bare as they had been thirteen years ago. Crows sat in the barren trees staring and watching as they cawed while others flew above. Lovino came to a stop at a headstone.

The elements had shaved at it, though it had never been much. Simple grey stone with a simple carving. The earth around it was just as dead. Lifeless, yet not forgotten, longed for under the powdery whiteness of untouched snow. The flowers Lovino and Feliciano picked and brought to her every years seemed so meaningless now. The teddy bear Feli had left as a child was gone, swept away or stolen. Lovino remembered Feli crying so much when he found out.

**Annalisa Vargas**

**October 1, 1974 – December 25, 1998**

**Loving Mother, Wife**

Lovino stared at the epitaph, wondering, a lump sticking in his throat. He set the roses down next it softly. On the way to see Feliciano, his mind had drifted to their mother. He'd not gone to see her this Christmas. He breathed silently as the cold air burned his airway.

"Mama…I'm pregnant," he whispered softly. He licked his lips and closed his eyes. "I know you probably never thought you'd hear those words from me. You and Papa probably had the same dream that I'd grow up to be a doctor and be successful, marry a nice girl and have a family. Remember when I told you back when I was twelve how much I needed you because I was so confused? And then when I was sixteen and I wanted so badly to just have a boyfriend and stop being ashamed?" Lovino cursed under his breath. "You always told me when I was little that God had a plan, right? You know how much I prayed for him to fix me and make me better, but I think I'm starting to see what you meant because it turns out that I'm something called intersex and…and I can have children."

A soft wind blew around him. He bit his lip and sat down. He hugged his knees and stared across the cemetery. So many gravestones were lined in perfect rows. He found himself wondering if the dead could really hear the living. Was the whole point of marked graves where those left behind could go and talk and feel like their loved one was still there? He didn't know, but his heart hoped so much that his mama was listening. He wiped a tear off his face.

"I'm so scared, Mama. I need you. You don't…Why did you have to die?" Lovino whispered started to sob. "Feli and I, we were little kids, Mama! How could you leave us? I needed you so much when I was being beaten up at school and I needed you when it got to be too much. Feliciano has cancer and he needs you. What about Feli growing up and forgetting you? He would come home crying from school when there were things for moms because he didn't have a mom and couldn't even remember you. Why did you leave?"

Lovino ignored the cold wetness of the snow as it seeped into his pants, chilling him further. He wanted his mother and all he could do was sit and cry at her grave. He was so tired of crying. Hadn't Roma always said that he and Feliciano cried too much, and much too easily? His mother said they were sensitive souls.

"Papa hates me, Mama. He hates me and I don't have anyone. My boyfriend…exboyfriend…he's not…" Lovino shook his head.

He stayed like that, sitting at her grave talking and crying until he was shivering and could barely feeling his body. A soft movement in his lower abdomen called his attention away or he would have sat there until he froze, but the soft kick broke him away. He needed to get back to his car and warm up.

"Ciao, Mama. Te voligo bene tanto. Mi manchi."

Lovino trudged to his car and opened his back door. He shivered as he pulled the wet clothes off his body and threw them on the floor board, replacing them with new, dry clothes before climbing into the driver's seat and starting the car. He sat back rubbing his belly gently whispering to his child as he waited for the car to warm his cold body, then started his way toward the hospital to see Feliciano.

* * *

The hospital sat on a large hill making it visible about the city as you drove toward it. There was no way to miss it. It served as a beacon of hope to many. It was a place that saved children. Nothing could be menacing about it. It also housed a birthing center mainly for high risk pregnancies to ensure only the best care for mothers and babies a like. The building seemed to glow with a divine sense of security as though the heavens were casting the illumination itself. Yet to Lovino, it made him feel sick.  
It was the hospital where his brother layed sick and weak, wasting into nothing. It's the place where everything collided. He ceased to be Lovino Vargas, promising future doctor and became Lovino Vargas, the accident of nature. This was the hospital he'd give birth at. He knew it'd be agonizing. The simple discomfort bordering on mild pain from first having sex seemed laughable now. He was stupid to think that it hurt. Everything he'd ever dreamed was over and this hospital started it all.

He wiped the tears from his eyes and glared at the building as he walked toward the entrance. It was almost disgusting how the inside of the hospital was so colorful and cheerful. Brightly lit and colored. Various cartoon characters lined the walls. This was a place you came to that left its scars all over you. He walked past the reception area ignoring the greeting. Fuck them. Walk down the Disney princess hall to the elevators. Get off at the pirate floor and walk toward the pavilion that was connected to the pirate floor by the ramp of the ocean that emptied into the sandbox hall. Take the elevator up to the superhero floor and you found yourself in the cancer unit. Feliciano was in the room with Spiderman on the door.

Feli was staring at the television. Lovino doubted he was actually paying attention. The show was talking about addiction and Feliciano really didn't like sad things. He glanced over at Lovino and a huge smile appeared on his face. The boy flicked the TV off and held his arms out to his older brother. Lovino crossed the space and hugged him tightly. He didn't want to let go if he was being honest. Feliciano pulled away first and an excited smile came to his face when he saw the slight bulge of the older boy's hoodie when he sat down.

"Do you have a bump? Oh that's so cute! Aw! Let me see!" Feli cheered before coughing to catch his breath. Lovino winced. He hated when Feli had problems breathing.

"Obviously. I'm huge, Feli," Lovino sighed and laid back.

"What? Not really. You can barely tell. I mean...It could be that you're stashing candy or cookies or something in the pockets," Feli giggled.

"Oh my god, Feliciano. Can you fucking stop lying to me and trying to make me feel better? I...I know I'm huge. Everyone knows that I'm pregnant. Everyone knows I had sex with another guy. People know I'm more of a freak that I've ever been. Fuck, Feli!" Lovino glared at the ceiling, tears shining in his now golden eyes.

Feliciano sat up more noticing the color. Lovino's eyes were more expressive than ever. Not only could he make out the torment in them. Lovino's eyes changed from a bright green to a dull gold depending on his mood or the weather. Happy emotions and spring time were when Lovino's eyes were the greenest. Content or neutral feelings as well as summer they were a green with flecks of gold. Melancholy, boredom, negative emotions that weren't painful made the man's eyes golden with a hint of green. Pain and winter made his eyes dull gold. Feli had never seen them this close to brown before. He scared him. Lovino's eyes almost looked dead.

"L-Lovi..." Feli started. Lovino glanced at him with sharp eyes then flicked them aside.

"You want to fucking see?" Lovino snapped suddenly, jumping up and pulling up his shirt. "See? It's huge and disgusting!"

Feliciano ran his eyes slowly over the smooth olive skin. The slight indentions Lovino had once had near his obliques and the center of his abdomen were barely visible. There was the slightest of curves that fell into a smooth bump from a few inches below his belly button disappearing into this pelvic region. His torso trembled with his jagged breathing as the older brother tried not to cry. Feli glanced at Lovino's face. His eyes were closed, but the terror and pain was written in plain letters. Feli felt as though he'd been punched in the gut. He pulled Lovino's shirt down and smiled at him.

"You can't see it unless you really look, Lovi! I promise. It's so tiny and cute. You're so cute!" Feli gushed.

"Will you shut the fuck up?" Lovino hissed.

Feliciano bit the inside of his cheeks and fell backward, tears in his eyes. Lovino hated himself for lashing out at Feli. Why did he always lash out at his baby brother who loved him and was the only person who knew who he really was? Lovino brushed more tears away and sat down.

"I'm sorry, Feli. I didn't...I'm sorry," Lovino whispered hugging Feli.

"It's okay. Lovino, you're scaring me. What's wrong? Did you get your MCAT scores back? Did you do badly? It's okay if you did. You're super smart and you can take it again," Feli smiled.

"No. Fuck...it wasn't...I shouldn't have even wasted the money taking it." Lovino glared.

"What do you mean? If you haven't taken it, then why are you saying you shouldn't have taken it?"

"Antonio and I broke up. I dropped out. I don't...I can't do anything anymore. It's all over," Lovino sobbed into his brother's shoulder.

"What?!" Feliciano's eyes were wide. He pushed his brother back and stared at him in shock.

"Lovi...you...what happened?"

Lovino sat back and swallowed as he shook. "He...He...He told me to abort the baby. I mean I think he still thought I was joking that the baby existed. He was acting so strangely and then blew up when I brought up being scared about the baby coming. Feli, I love my baby so much, okay? I do. That's like the only reason I'm not about to jump off a bridge. I was so in love with Antonio and I don't even know why, but I was. I am. Matthew probably hates me for leaving. Papa hates me. People look at me and they think look at that faggot freak. Feli, I can't take it. The only thing that makes me want to get through it is the thought of me holding my baby for the first time."

Feli stared at his brother with glassy eyes. Lovino had never been so open. Never would Feli have ever thought of hearing about thoughts of suicide from his brother. Lovino was always the strong one, the smart one, the level headed one, the one with a future. Lovino had always had his life together. Sure, he'd gone through tough times. How many times in their life had Lovino come home covered in bruises? How many times had Feliciano woken up in the middle of the night to Lovino crying from missing their mom or his silent internal struggle of being gay or both? Feli wasn't sure what to do. It was all so new. It made sense. Lovino _had_ been the one who had his life together. He'd had a plan since he was six years old. He'd taken steps to reach his goal. Years of playing it safe and not going out with friends so he could study and wouldn't get in trouble had been for nothing.

Lovino blinked a few times and wiped the tears away. He rubbed his bump gently. The baby was moving now. He'd woken them up.

"Va bene, piccolo bambino," he whispered. "Te voglio bene."

"Awwwwwww!" Feli suddenly cooed hugging Lovino. "You're so cute. You know you're going to be the cutest mommy in the world. Your baby's going to be cute too. Oh my god, we'll have the cutest family! I mean I'm cute. You're cute. Obviously your baby is going to be cute too." Lovino hummed at the thought.

"When I withdrew from the university, Feli, I wasn't thinking about my dreams being crushed. I was thinking about my baby and how I was going to take care of him. I mean at first, I was so upset about my dreams dying, but then I'm thinking about my baby and I'm just like, what's going to happen? I have a job. My boss transferred me and it pays decently enough, but I don't know how I can afford to take care of her the way she wants to be taken care of. I want her to have the best," Lovino sniffed and looked at Feli with a slight smile.

"She?" Feli grinned, leaning forward.

"I don't know. I want a little girl though. I don't mind a boy, but I'd really like a baby girl. Anyway...when I think about her, I see this smiling, happy baby girl who loves to cuddle. I want to have pajama parties just me and her where we sit in our pj's and build forts and watch cute movies. I want her to have this swing set in the backyard that I push her on until one day she gets big enough and learns to swing on her own. She'll cry happily for me to see her. I want to take her for ice cream and go to the park and go to the beach and swim. But I think...I think with what I'm getting paid now, I won't be able to do that. I can't give her everything and that scares me so much and I just hate myself."

"Papa wanted to do that for us, but couldn't and we were happy," Feli whispered softly.

"Yeah...I guess. I mean I wish we could have done more. But he hates me now..." Lovino brushed his cheeks. "My scholarship's on hold until the fall. If I don't enroll in the fall, I can't get it back. I'm due in June. June 15th actually."

"If Papa doesn't forgive you by then, I can watch your baby while you finish. You're almost done and you want it so badly. Just go. I'll help you."

"I can't, Feli. I can't do it alone! I'm so fucking scared and I just can't do this!"

"You're not alone. You have me," Feli smiled.

"No offense, but you're sixteen and you have cancer and no job."

Feliciano rolled his eyes and sighed. Feliciano laid his head against his shoulder and hugged his brother's arm. Lovino bit his lip and played with his jacket. They sat like for a while, Lovino sniffling occasionally as he rubbed his belly. Feliciano sat up.

"You need to sleep, okay? You look like you haven't slept in ages and I know I'm sleepy, so you must be too," Feli smiled. "I'll used you as a pillow."

Lovino let his brother snuggle against him. He put an arm around him and caressed in own stomach with his other hand. It was getting real, all too real. He needed to find a place to stay. He could stay with his brother in the hospital, but who knew how long that would be. He needed somewhere permanent. His original plan of sleeping in his car didn't sound so appealing now. It was too cold. He needed to stay safe so his baby could be safe. His heart longed for his dreams, but his mind focused on the present. A place to stay was a priority. He wondered if the physician he was going to be transcribing notes for would be able to help him find somewhere. That was a thing they did, wasn't it? He needed to figure out how he was going to afford everything. How was he going to afford the doctor's visits now that he'd lost his student privileges at the clinic?

He felt sick. Tears leaked from his eyes as he stared at the ceiling. He felt his child starting to become more active as he laid there as was usual he was noticing. He'd read that it was common to feel them more at night. His back ached, his abdomen was beginning to feel like a punching bag. It was as though he'd been doing a thousand crunches. He begged his skin to stop itching. He felt so full. He needed relief. Despite it all, a smile formed on his face. He closed his eyes and whispered sweetly to his baby in Italian, telling sweet stories and plans for when they met. He couldn't wait to hold them.

The soft hum of the equipment and the soft dripping of Feliciano's IV fluids along with the hiss of the oxygen helping his brother breathe easier were calming. His mind began to drift, his words becoming slower and more thoughts than aloud. He wondered if his baby could hear him. Slowly his breathing matched that of the sleeping teen snugged next to him and he drifted into a sweet slumber.

* * *

Lovino woke up the next morning to Feli watching something on TV. He sat up and whimpered. His skin itched worse now than it had last night. And not only that, but so did his chest. He picked up the lotion and slathered on his torso. The itching really was getting unbearable. He sighed and tossed the bottle in the trash and fell back next to his brother on the bed.

"What the fuck are you watching?" Lovino muttered.

"It's a soap opera. It's so dramatic. That's Christina and she's sleeping with Dave who's her sister's husband. Only they're really cousins, but they don't know it because Christina's mom isn't actually her mom. She stole her from the nursery because her baby wasn't the perfect one that she wanted."

"Sounds like my life right now. A mess. Ugh! Why won't it stop itching?!" Lovino fell back on the bed and thrashed for a moment before turned his head to face his brother. Feli giggled and snuggled up to him with a knowing smile.

"What?" Lovino muttered putting an arm around the boy.

"I think you're going to get a bump soon. Your skin is stretching and that's why you're so itchy. Like when I got really itchy and the school nurse said it was because of a growth spurt."

"Shut up! I am not. I…" Lovino glanced down along his body feeling that sickness in the pit of his stomach at the sight of the bump beneath his shirt. His shirt felt so tight today. "I don't want to."

"Aw, Lovi, you're twenty weeks pregnant and you can barely tell!" Feli smiled. "I think it'll be cute when you get a belly."

"I don't," Lovino sighed. "Besides I don't care what you say, I _do_ look twenty weeks. You tell me it's in my head, but my shirt is so tight." Lovino stood up and changed into a long sleeved dry fit shirt. He loved the material and it being stretchy.

"Aw, but think about it! You'll be so cute and nobody will judge you for eating all the ice cream or crying about those ASPCA commercials. And your baby is saying hi. Aw, you'll be so cute!" Feliciano gushed. He gasped and sat up suddenly. "Can I draw your baby on you when that happens?"

"What?"

"Like you tell me how they're positioned and I paint it on your belly. It will be so cute."

"I've told you no…" Lovino narrowed his eyes.

"Please!"

"No!" Lovino snapped and sighed. "I guess…I guess I may look cute. I mean, only because I'm already cute as you and other people like to inform me. It's complete bullshit really, but how cares?"

Feli giggled and hugged his arm tightly before going back to watching his soap opera. Lovino went through his phone absently. Matthew and Alfred had both texted him asking him how he was doing. Matthew had invited him to lunch. Alfred wanted to make him to laser tag to cheer him up. Lovino frowned. They were such good friends. He hated lying to them and running away. He replied to them that he was okay, but needed time away from everything and promised to keep in touch. He really didn't plan to keep that promise. He didn't see what it mattered.

Lovino went to the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror trying to push away the fear and paranoia. He needed to see himself as he really was. Feliciano said there wasn't a bump last night. He said it wasn't noticeable unless you looked. He closed his eyes and set his hand on his chest. He winced as he felt the softness of his chest a bit more raised than he was used to. He calmed his breathing. He may be seeing the bump, but he knew he wouldn't feel his hand move outward. He imagined his body has it had been once his hand slid down past the swelling of his chest. Flat rib cage down. His stomach dropped as his hand slid over the curve of his belly. No. He took a few breaths and brought his hand up once more. He felt the same curve. Fuck it. He glared at himself in the mirror. Stupid psychology didn't know shit.

He washed his hands and made sure his track pants and shirt weren't too haphazard before leaving the bathroom. His heart skipped a beat when he saw his father sitting on the edge of Feliciano's bed. He was dressed for church. Lovino mentally cursed himself. He'd forgotten Mass. He lowered his eyes and stood in the corner hoping to go unnoticed. Roma glanced at him, his eyes widening as the fell to the boy's stomach. Lovino hugged his abdomen protectively, the bump making it harder than usual. He glared at the floor. It was all in his head. Feliciano had said so. Feli didn't lie…at least not about important things. He was so concerned for Lovino's mental health. He couldn't have lied. Lovino shifted before turning and staring out the window.

The door opened and Emma entered the room with the night nurse. She smiled brightly at Feliciano. Lovino listened as Emma talked to Feli about how he was feeling and congratulating him on being in remission. She'd been on vacation from work. She examined him and smiled at him telling him she'd be in with his chemo shortly. Feli huffed and Roma told him to behave. Lovino rolled his eyes. Had their father not seen how miserable it made him? Had he not sat and watched him dry heave during treatments because the poison had already expelled the food? Behave? Lovino angrily brushed tears away and sniffed.

Emma had only just noticed him. She gave him a small smile. Her eyes widened and her face looked shocked for a moment, but her perfect nurse face came back and she just smiled. Lovino nodded to her. She probably hated him for leaving her best friend, but had to be nice. He sighed and walked over to Feli as she closed the door.

"It's okay to not look forward to it, you know," Lovino said softly.

"I know…" Feli muttered he glared up at the ceiling. "It makes me feel like I'm dying." The teen glanced at their father, whose eyes were glued to the elder's stomach. "Do you know that Papa? I feel like I'm dying when I get IV chemo? I'm not sick anymore. Why do I need to get it like this still? Why can't I take pills? They have pills. I don't want to do this anymore."

"Feliciano, hush," Roma said softly. "I won't lose another child."

"You haven't lost either of us, Papa." Feliciano glared at his father. "Lovi's having a baby. He's gay. He's not dead."

"You feel like dying getting chemo. I feel like dying when I look at him."

Lovino felt sick. He couldn't do this right now. He muttered to Feli he was going down to the dining room and he'd bring him something to eat. He turned and jumped as cups fell over. He hadn't even been touching the table. He couldn't have…but he'd felt his stomach hit it. He turned slowly to stare at Feli. Feli's face looked shocked.

"Feliciano…" Lovino couldn't finish. Tears filled his eyes as he stared at his brother.

"It's okay," Feliciano pushed himself up.

"You…you told me there wasn't a bump. You told me it was in my head. Oh my god, Feli! How could you lie to me?" Lovino shook.

"Okay, um, see, like, yesterday there wasn't. I didn't lie to you yesterday. But you see, um, well, you were so worried about it yesterday that when you, um, woke up with baby saying hello to the world, I figured I'd try to get you used to the idea before I told you since you've been seeing it anyway. I wasn't meaning to lie to you."

Lovino stared down at his bump. It taunted him, mocked him. It was too real. It was all too real. He felt like he was falling. The room was spinning. It was real. Everything was real. He _was_ pregnant. He couldn't pretend anymore. Everyone would know he'd slept with a man. He was having a baby. Nothing was going to be the same. Sure he'd known, but now there was no chance this was a bad dream. He'd never wake up having never made that choice. Feli was sick. He was pregnant. His father hated him.

"No…" Lovino shook his head staring at his brother. "No."

"You have a bump and it's really cute. Your baby's saying hi," Feli smiled.

Lovino's body had been shaking and now it gave out. He collapsed in sobs against his younger brother's chest. Feliciano held him and glanced at their father. The man looked almost ready to cry. His eyes were full of love, sympathy and something Feliciano couldn't place. Yet he saw no anger on her father's face. All this time he'd thought their father was just angry. He had been waiting for his anger to die away into forgiveness. Lovino wouldn't feel so alone. But it wasn't there. That's when Feliciano recognized the look. It was the same look he'd given when Lovino had graduated valedictorian and he'd been congratulating the salutatorian's mother who'd always mocked the family when she saw them. It was a mocking, gloating look. Roma was happy Lovino was in so much pain. Anger and hatred welled up in the young boy as he turned his attention back to his brother.

* * *

_**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review.**_


	18. Chapter 18

_**I hope everyone is doing well and your finals have gone well if you've had them and if you're still in the middle of them, then I wish you the best. You can do it. I graduated by in August from college and let me tell you, all the tests and grades mean nothing. What you learned matters. So while the grades are important right now, realize they don't mean a thing after you finish. You're all amazing and smart. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 3**_

_**So I may be doing some jumps in the future as far as time line goes. I don't want this to go one too long. I also decided to start putting in at the tops of each section how many weeks Lovino is. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! :)**_

* * *

**23 Weeks**

Lovino groaned and hit his head on steering wheel. He and Feliciano had been looking at apartments all day. It was taking a toll. He needed to find something cheap that he could move into right away. In the week and a half since his brother had been discharged from the hospital, Lovino had been wandering around stores, cafes, the library transcribing the verbal medical notes his boss had emailed him waiting until he could sneak home and curl up next to his brother in the room they shared for fourteen years. It was starting to tax him. He would have to get there after their father had gone to bed and leave before he woke up in the morning. A few nights he'd slept in his car in the church parking lot, others in the pews in the balcony that often went unchecked. It was miserable.

"Don't worry, Lovi. We'll find you something. Leave it to me. Don't talk unless you have to. This is the last one on the list and I promise you'll be moved in by tonight. It says ready for immediate move in and thirty minutes for approval. Do you have your forms?"

Lovino nodded and followed Feli to the office. He hugged himself as they waited for the manager. The office was brightly lit and smelled of cinnamon. Soft music played over unseen speakers. An arrangement of brightly colored flowers sat on the reception desk. It was too nice. No way was it in his price range. Feliciano had taken the liberty of highlighting properties for him. He found the idea of pregnant brother being homeless unacceptable.

A man in tailored suit and stylish black hair walked in from the back with a smile. Lovino glanced at Feliciano. There was no way. Feliciano coughed next to him for a few moments before offering the man a weak smile.

"Ciao," he greeted weakly.

"Hello! Welcome to Twin Rivers. I'm Tino, the manager of the properties. What can I do you for?"

"I spoke to you on the phone." Feliciano replied before collapsing into a coughing fit. Lovino bit his lip and glanced between his brother and the manger.

"Feli, are you okay?" Lovino asked softly.

"Si, fratello. You know how my condition is."

Lovino blinked and sat back horrified. Feliciano was seriously going to do this. His entire life, Feliciano had played up being cute to get what he wanted. Lovino found it annoying and distasteful, but it always worked. _Manipulative son of a bitch…_Lovino thought to himself.

"Oh yes, the two bedroom I promised to process in thirty minutes. Would you two like to see it while we process your information?" Feliciano nodded and pulled his brother behind him.

They finally made it to the empty apartment overlooking a small park and a swimming pool after twenty minutes. Feliciano had kept sitting down and coughing. Part of him wasn't sure how much was an act and how much was real. Feli had been playing down how badly he felt to Lovino these days. They walked in and Lovino almost fell back.

Cream colored carpet welcomed them. The walls were a pale green. A black leather couch sat against the wall facing and entertainment center complete with a television. A small coffee table sat in the middle. The kitchen had ceramic tile floors and black countertops with cherry wood cabinets. A small table sat in an area designated as the dining room with a chandelier hanging above it. A washer and dryer were hooked up across for the bathroom. The bedrooms had a bed, chest of drawers and a nightstand.

Lovino remained silent as he walked through. He wanted to strangle Feliciano for dragging him through this. It was like hanging a piece of meat in front of a starving dog you had no intention of giving to the animal. He glared at Feli, who winked at him. They made their way back, this time a man in a golf cart had come to pick them up. They sat in the man's office and smiled.

"What do we think?"

"It's beautiful, isn't it, Lovi?"

"Yes…" Lovino chewed his lip.

"It's all brand new furniture. Newly renovated apartment. Generally it runs for $2000 a month." Lovino's heart sank. "But it's yours for $450. Cable and electric are provided. You just pay for your own water."

"What?" Lovino almost passed out.

"You're approved! Here are the keys. We'll just go over the lease and sign everything and it's yours," the manager smiled and excused himself.

"Feli, what the hell did you do?" Lovino growled.

"I'll explain in the car," Feli giggled.

Lovino went through the paperwork, reading every line to make sure there wasn't a catch. He couldn't afford to be tricked. He was handed the keys and whisked off. Lovino sat in his car, speechless for a moment before looking at his brother. Feliciano smiled happily as he flipped through the radio stations.

"What the fuck did you do?" Lovino hissed.

"I called up the guy for you explained to them how I'm dying from cancer and our parents passed away in a car wreck, very tragic. You had to drop out and are working full time to provide for me, but we lost our house since our parents passed away and we needed a place to live ASAP. I explained how your paychecks go to my treatments and well, everyone loves charity when it comes to cancer, right? Oh! And I told them you were pregnant."

"What the hell?" Lovino snapped. "You can't just exploit yourself! Cancer isn't a fucking joke and it pisses me off that you think so!"

"I don't think it's a joke. I just think it sucks so much that I may as well use it to my advantage. That way I get some use out of it." Feli smiled.

"What happens when they find out you're lying? I signed all those legal documents! I could get sued! I can't be sued right now!" Lovino held his head in his hands and rocked back and forth.

"I told them you knew nothing about what I told them. Lovi, you have an apartment. It's nice. There's a park with a swing set like you wanted for your baby. It's perfect. I think you deserve the best and I did this for you. It's about time someone did something for you for once."

"I love you. But fuck, Feli! This is so dangerous."

"Is it though?" Feli giggled.

"Yes."

"Let's get lunch and then we can break in your new apartment."

"You're going to hell…" Lovino mumbled with a smirk.

"I'll be your roommate," Feli winked.

They picked up burgers and fries after some begging on the Lovino's part and took it back to the apartment. Lovino couldn't believe it was his. He at the dinner table across from his brother and began eating. He hadn't satisfied his craving for burgers since he and Antonio had eaten together that day. The taste was too good. Feli picked at his food as usual these days. Lovino had really hoped he'd get his appetite back.

"I picked out a name for my baby girl," Lovino smiled as he sipped his drink.

"Ooooh! What is it?" Feli smiled slurping on the shake he had insisted on.

"Sienna Arabella Vargas," Lovino breathed.

"Sienna Arabella Vargas." Feliciano smiled. "I like it. It flows nicely…And what if you have a boy?" Feliciano asked slowly.

"I'm not. I'm having a baby girl. I just know it. And I want a little princess so badly. I find out for sure in two weeks. Do you want come?"

"Yesssss!" Feli beamed.

"I'll pick you up before," Lovino smiled.

* * *

**25 Weeks**

Feliciano rocked back and forth next to Lovino as he laid on the exam table staring up at the ceiling. His brother was so excited to be at one of his appointments and truthfully, Lovino was happy to have him there. Going alone really did bother him lately. Everyone had someone with them. He hadn't seen Natalie lately, so there was nobody to make him feel at ease. He wondered where she was at these days. She hadn't been due for a couple months.

Dr. Evans came in pulling Lovino from his thoughts. She gave him a warm smile and asked how he was feeling, the routine questions he'd come to be able to answer without her even asking. How was he feeling? Was the baby moving more or less? Did he have anything he was concerned with? How was he his stress? What was he doing for health. It was always the same. A few questions phased out while new ones came in, but the conversation was always the same. Lovino appreciated it. It made him feel comfortable. He felt as though he could truly express anything to her. He felt that she genuinely cared about his concerns. She validated him. It was so nice.

"Are you still having trouble with your baby's father? I know the last we spoke, you were concerned about telling him. We discussed how stress affects you and your baby," she glanced to Feliciano.

"Um...I told him. He, uh, he didn't take it well. We broke up. So you'll be seeing a lot of my little brother, Feliciano," Lovino mumbled.

"Hi!" Feli smiled.

Dr. Evans smiled and shook Feliciano's hand and exchanged a few pleasantries. Lovino smiled softly as he listened to Feliciano ramble on about how excited he was about becoming a _zio_. He asked her questions about the different diagrams and figures she had in the office explaining that he needed to know these things. She smiled and answered him patiently before turning her attention back to Lovino.

"It seems you have an excellent partner in your brother. He's more interested in all of this than most _fathers _we have in here. I think you'll be a great uncle, Feliciano," Dr. Evans smiled, eliciting a beaming smile on the teen's face. "Now Lovino, let's see how that baby of yours is doing."

Lovino instinctively laid back with help from his doctor. He lifted his shirt and pushed the top of his pants further down to allow her access. He heard his brother gasp and giggle next to him to which he responded with a look that shut him up.

"Her head has been digging into my side the past few days. It's so comfortable," Lovino complained rubbing the area. Dr. Evans palpated his stomach and nodded in agreement.

"Indeed. Your baby's transverse right now. That means the back is along your pelvis and the head and feet are positioned toward your sides. I expect them to turn closer to thirty-five weeks. Right now there is still a lot of room to move around. Are you ready for the sonogram? Your bladder is full, right?"

Lovino nodded and rubbed his belly slightly. He glanced at Feliciano who had a strange look on his face like he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure how to phrase it. It wasn't a look the teenager usually had. Lovino was used to Feli just saying whatever popped into his head. The boy wasn't exactly born with a filter.

"What's wrong, Feli?" Lovino asked.

"So, um, so…you can feel the baby from the outside?"

Lovino smiled and nodded. He took Feli's hand and pressed gently on his stomach.

"Do you feel that?" Feli nodded. "That's the head. You can tell their back is toward my pelvis because you feel this solidness here." Lovino slid Feli's hand on the underside of his belly. "These are feet."

"Wow…" Feliciano breathed. A smile erupted on his face. "It's so cool! Wow! I never knew this!" His eyes got big and he gasped. "Lovi, your shirt is kinda wet!"

Lovino looked down and bit his lip at the small circles slightly darker than his shirt. He hesitantly touched it. Tear filled his eyes. Why did his body keep changing? He was not supposed to do this. Nothing about this was natural or normal. Nobody understood that. Men didn't get pregnant. Men didn't have small breasts form that leaked milk. It didn't matter to him that it looked more like swollen pecs than actual breasts. None of this was okay. He brushed the tears away.

"Lovi! Don't cry!" Feliciano burst, hugging his brother. Dr. Evans frowned slightly.

"It's just colostrum, Lovino. It's your body getting ready to feed your baby. It's completely normal. Mothers can experience it at any time during pregnancy. You're tweny-five weeks. This is okay. It's natural," she assured him with a smile, squeezing his hand. "I know all of these changes are hard to accept, but I need you to know there's nothing wrong."

"This isn't supposed to happen," Lovino sniffed.

"I know this is hard," she said softly.

"I don't want to be intersex. I don't want to be pregnant. I just…I want to be back in college. I want all of this to be a bad dream," Lovino sobbed.  
Feliciano bit his lip and watched the scene unfold. He hated seeing Lovino like this. He didn't know what to do. He took his hand. Lovino turned to look at him. Feli offered a smile.

"I'll get tested too, okay? If we're both intersex, you don't have to go through everything alone, okay?" Feli squeezed his brother's hand softly.

"O-okay," Lovino breathed and brushed the last tears away.

"Are you okay?" Dr. Evans asked softly. Lovino nodded. "Okay, just a little coolness."

Lovino shifted involuntarily at the cold gel landing on his protruding belly. He adjusted himself so one arm was behind his head and the other still held his brother's hand. This was only the second time he'd had and ultrasound and could possibly be the last. He needed to see his child. It the only good thing he could imagine from this shit storm life had thrown at him. He felt so full and the pressure of the ultrasound wand was definitely not helping.

His lips twitched up into a smile as he heard the heart racing along. It was so strong. Dr. Evans turned the screen to him and his breath left him as he saw the beautiful face of his little bun. Tears came to his eyes. The first sonogram was nowhere near as clear as this one. He could make out features. The child looked look like Antonio from what he could tell causing a slight stab to the chest.

He closed his eyes and swallowed before opening them. He glanced at his brother who seemed entranced by the image on the screen. He seemed to be memorizing every detail. Lovino smiled. Feliciano, always the artist. He had a habit of absorbing things and putting them on paper.

"Would you like to find out what you're having or do you want it to be a surprise?" Dr. Evans smiled pausing on revealing below the abdomen.

Lovino nodded. He couldn't wait to buy his baby girl clothes and make up her room. He had it all planned out in his head. He hoped he could paint the walls a pale shade of pink with white trim. He'd get all white furniture. Little cherubs would be on the walls. He'd get white letters to spell Sienna on the wall. He'd seen a cute outfit he wanted to get for her when she came home from the hospital.

"See this right here?" Dr. Evan pointed to the screen. "That's definitely a penis. Congratulations on your sweet baby boy!" she beamed.

Feliciano squealed and hugged Lovino tightly, going a thousand words a minute. Lovino didn't hear what he was saying. He felt tears in his eyes. No. No, he was having a baby girl. He was having his little Sienna. It's all he'd planned for the past three months. No.

"Are…are you sure?" he stuttered out.

"Very sure. He's not a shy baby," she laughed softly.

Lovino forced a smile and finished up the appointment. He and Feliciano left with the new sonogram photos. Feliciano seemed so excited for the news. He threw names out and ideas for the room. He begged to go shopping for clothes. Lovino stayed silent until he got to the car. Sobs wracked his body.

"Lovi, why are you crying?" Feli cried.

"I want…I wanted a baby g-g-girl." Lovino managed to gasp out. "I had her room and her name and so many plans. And I was wrong."

Feliciano stared at him for a moment before glaring at him.

"What the fuck, Lovino? You are having a healthy baby and you're crying over genitals? Are you fucking serious?"

"Shut the hell up! It's not about that! It's about the fact that nothing is going right. I am not supposed to be here! I'm…I shouldn't be pregnant. I should be having my daily conversation with Papa right now laughing about things that happened during the day. I should be sitting in class stressing over homework and papers. Matthew and I should be watching Netflix and eating together. I wanted one thing, Feli. One fucking thing. And I don't even get that," Lovino glared.

"I think you're being stupid. I think you are focusing on the wrong things. You've always been such a pessimist, Lovino. You have a job and an apartment and a car. You're able to go to the doctor. Your baby is healthy. You have me, your brother, who loves and supports you unconditionally. You have friends like Matthew and Alfred who have not stopped texting and calling you the past few weeks and you've been ignoring them and they still are trying to talk to you and make sure you're 're not alone. You're not on the streets. You have food in your house. You're focusing on the wrong things."

"Whatever, Feli…You don't know what it's like. Your life is so easy and you've always been the favorite, so don't even pretend like you know what this is like."

"Me?" Feliciano let out a laugh. "No. Do you have any idea what it's like feeling like an outcast in your own home? I get home and you and Papa are talking, so I don't interrupt. I come in at midnight and nobody noticed I was gone. It's always been you and Papa and I'm just left out. And maybe people didn't like you, but it's better for people to hate you than to only want you for sex. So you know what, Lovino, fuck you."

"Fuck you," Lovino retorted as he started the car.

The brothers remained silent sans Lovino's occasional sniffle and Feli's intermittent coughs. They returned to Lovino's apartment. Lovino made food while Feliciano sat on the couch absorbed in a sketch. Lovino couldn't believe Feli would say that to him. Feli always had to be the center of attention. It made Lovino sick. But he wasn't wrong. Lovino did have good things happening. He wondered if maybe he should try talking to his friends. At least they still gave a shit. He had to try before they turned their backs on him and gave up trying. A small cough broke him from this thoughts. He turned to see Feliciano in the entry of the kitchen hugging his sketch pad to his chest.

"Feli…" Lovino started.

"I'm sorry," Feli said softly. "I'm sorry that you are going through this and you feel so sad. I'm sorry you're not having the perfect baby girl you dreamed about. But you have a perfect baby boy. This really sucks…chemo hands, but I drew this for you. So you can see how perfect he is."

Feliciano handed him the sketch. Lovino gasped and covered his mouth. His brother had sketched him holding his baby. It was perfect. The detail was exactly what they'd seen on the ultrasound. Everything about it was perfect.

"It's you holding him for the first time. I thought that maybe you seeing what that moment would look like would make you feel better. I know you love him. I know you feel like the world is against you, but please see what I see, Lovi."

"Feli, it's perfect. I'm sorry I snapped at you." Lovino brushed tears away and hugged his brother tightly.

* * *

Lovino laid in his bed that night chewing on his lip absently rubbing his belly gently. He thought about what Feliciano had said to him. He felt so silly to actually cry over the sex of his child. He loved his baby more than words could ever describe. Knowing he was having a baby boy didn't change a thing. What his brother didn't understand was how badly he wanted one thing to go as he wished. Everything in his stupid, insignificant life felt like a ploy to destroy him. He just wanted to have a baby girl.

He hummed to himself and sighed. He'd been thinking of baby names for so long, but never planned for a boy. Names danced in his head, but nothing felt right. The swooshing of the fan blades overhead helped him to think. Perhaps it was best to allow the child to pick his own name. He sat up.

"Okay, bambino. Papa is going to let you pick your name. I'll start with categories. I really want to keep your name lined with your heritage. Does that sound okay?"

A strong kick caused his belly to jerk. Lovino put his hand on his bump with a soft smile before continuing.

"Do you want a Spanish name?"

He waited for a long moment. He didn't know many Spanish names, but if his baby wanted a name, then he'd find them even if he had to read it off a stupid baby naming site."

"Okay, Italian?"

A strong kick answered him. Lovino felt his heart pounding. He hadn't expected it to go this well. He thought he was kidding himself with this idea. His baby was a twenty three week old fetus. He couldn't possibly have understood, but he wasn't moving that Lovino could tell besides in response to the questions. He was usually such and active baby too.

"Okay, I'll start. I'll say a name and you kick if you like it and that will be your name, okay?" Kick. "Lucio…Marco…Lorenzo…Matteo…Nico…Paolo…Giovani…" Lovino listed off every name than came into his head with no response. Just when he felt like it had all been for nothing, another name came to mind. "Luca."

He felt as though his womb had become a playground as he felt his little boy kick and flip. He laughed softly. He waited until the child had calmed before repeating the name only to get the same response. He hugged his stomach and wiped the tears he realized were leaking from his eyes. His baby had a name. Luca.

Lovino scrambled out of his bed and rushed to the extra bedroom his brother was sleeping in. He burst in, a mad smile on his face. He shook the teen gently.

"Feli! Feli!" he whispered loudly.

"Wha? Huh?" Feli mumbled as he blinked awake. "Lovi?" He sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Luca," Lovino smiled, a laugh escaping him.

"What?"

"Luca."

"Lovi, I-"

"Luca."

"Who is Luca?" Feli snapped annoyed at being working up at three in the morning to his brother babbling nonsense.

"Your nephew. My baby. His name is Luca."

"Luca Carreido…" Feliciano thought it over his head.

"It'd actually be Fernandez. Like in Spain, you get two last names. The first is your father's, the family name. The second is your mother. You only pass on the family name and go by that name in most settings. That's what Antonio told me."

"Okay…Luca Fernandez…"

"Vargas."

"Luca Fernandez _Vargas_," Feliciano rolled his eyes. He had always been so grumpy when being woken up.

"No, no, um. He made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with his son, so…just Vargas."

"Fuck, Lovi, make up your mind," Feli muttered. "So Luca Vargas."

"Yeah!" Lovino grinned. "I still need a middle name I guess, but Feli, Luca!"

"That's so exciting!" Feli smiled now coming to life from his slumber. His eyes shown and he hugged his brother. "Ciao, Luca!" he cooed, rubbing Lovino's belly. He glanced up at Lovino. "So you're breaking the family tradition of Romano's?"

"Yeah," Lovino nodded. "I don't think it's a healthy tradition considering we now have two instances of disowning. I'd never name my sweet baby boy after an asshole like Papa."

"Good. I like Luca. It fits well. I'm so happy you came up with a name."

"Well really he did. I just listed names I liked until he reacted."

"That's so great," Feli murmured laying back down. "Lovi?"

"Hm?"

"Please let me sleep."

Lovino chuckled and hugged his brother one last time before going back to his room. He sat at his desk ready to start organizing his money. He had learned to be financially smart growing up, but he'd been so certain Antonio would stick with him. He'd never sat down and worked the books. He wrote down all the bills only to have his heart sink. He glanced at his paycheck. After bills he only had $50 for food a month. That wouldn't allow him to give Luca anything. No clothes, no bed, no toys. He shook his head. No. No, this couldn't be. He refused to let his baby go hungry or uncomfortable.

He tried dropping different things. He could use the internet at a coffee shop when he needed to work. He could even go in and do it there. He could deal with the stares if it meant his baby would have everything. He could get rid of his phone and get a ten dollar talk only plan. No matter how much he tried to cut down on bills, nothing worked. He thought about picking up extra jobs, but nobody would hire him so close to his due date. Plus more jobs meant less time with Luca. He'd have to pay for child care. He couldn't afford that.

He threw the papers off his desk and began pacing and brainstorming. He loved his baby more than anything in the world. He was determined that he live a better life than he did. He never wanted his child to experience being hungry or cold or hot or enduring illness because he couldn't take him to the doctor. He didn't want to leave him home at all hours, barely able to see him. He didn't want his baby to be lonely and scared the way he and his brother had been. A sick feeling came over him as he realized what he had to do. He hugged his belly, laying down on the bed and sobbing into the pillow.

"I love you, Luca. I love you so much. Please forgive me."

* * *

The next morning, Lovino was quiet. He half listened to his brother talk about plans with his nephew. Lovino brushed tears away, blaming it on hormones. He couldn't bring himself to tell Feliciano the truth. He dropped his brother off at home before driving downtown. He stared up at the building, a lump growing in his throat. He climbed the steps. The glass mouth swallowed him whole as he entered and walked up to the its throat.

"Welcome to Open Arms. How may I help you?" the man behind the counter smiled.

"I…" Lovino hugged himself and rubbed is belly as Luca thrashed inside him. He took a breath before saying the words that would murder him. "I need to put my baby up for adoption."

* * *

_**I hoped you enjoyed this. Please leave a review. 3**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**Wow, sorry this took so long. I've been really blocked on what to do and the order in which to do it. I think I've got everything planned for the rest of this, or at least a few chapters. I want to publish more frequently and regularly, but working full time makes that hard and working nights drains me over everything. Anyway, I hope you in enjoy this. This chapter is mostly going to be what's going on in Antonio's life. Frain invovled, so just be warned. **_

* * *

Antonio smiled across the table at the guy he'd been chatting up all night. His brown eyes flashed flirtatiously the Spaniard as he sipped his drink. Antonio kicked his lips and winked at him. He leaned close to be heard over the club's dance music.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Antonio asked.

"I thought you'd never ask."

Antonio stood, staggering a bit. He giggled, steadying himself on the table. The man pulled him into a kiss, biting his lip. Antonio's head was spinning. What was his name again? Steve? Nathan? Whatever...it didn't matter. He wasn't Lovino.

"I forgot to mention, I don't bottom," the man winked. "Is that a problem?"

"S'no problem a'tall. I like top more, but I 'njoy the bottom too."

Antonio waved to Gilbert and Francis who were sitting at the bar. Francis waved back weakly. Gilbert rolled his eyes and turned away. Antonio shrugged and focused on tonight's one night stand. He'd been doing it wrong this whole time dabbling in relationships. They only ended in pain. Emma, Francis, Lovino. No good had come out of it.

The past month had been nothing but endless partying. He could get laid and not have to be there in the morning. The days he felt good, the partying and drinking felt like a celebration. The days he could barely peel himself from bed, it numbed him. He thought about Lovino often. Sometimes he pictured the random men as him. He couldn't figure out a way to shake him. Why had they even broken up?

He tried to clear his mind as he felt the man's hands on his body. His mind wouldn't stop. He couldn't focus. He wanted to scream for it to stop. He focused on the steady thrusting and the pleasure. His body shook as he approached climax. The man thrust a few moments longer and pulled away. Antonio pulled out a cigarette.

"You mind?"

"Give me one," the man took it from him and lit his from the same light. He fell back and glanced at Antonio. "You're good. Do you want to do this again?"

"Maybe. Depends." Antonio shrugged.

"On what?"

"If anyone else catches my eye first." Antonio exhaled the smoke.

The man laughed and glanced at him. Antonio though his laugh was dull. He could never find someone whose laugh woke that part of him that made everything okay. Lovino's laugh had warmed his heart. A smile cracking through all the pain and the thoughts that plagued Antonio's mind, lighting the world.

"Finish your cigarette and leave."

"That's the plan, mi amigo."

Antonio took a few more drags of his cigarette before putting it out. He stood up and chuckle slightly as the room spun around him. The alcohol was still having an effect. The man watched him carefully, which a guarded gaze. Antonio dressed as quickly as he could and waved goodbye to the man with a smirk.

The air was starting to warm, yet he still pulled his jacket around him as he walked to the nearest gas station to call Francis to pick him up. He could feel the dread of calling him. He was such a burden. How did he have friends? Of course Lovino had left him. He was a pathetic, worthless piece of shit. He bit his lip and paced in front of the store before finally dialing his friend. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall as the dull ache of his soul crept up. Why did it never stay gone? Why couldn't he feel normal anymore?

"Toni? Are you okay?" Francis answered, a worried tone. He'd been waiting up.

"Yeah, yeah, um…can you come pick me up?"

"Oui, of course! Where you?"

Antonio managed to get the words out before he hung up. He wrapped his jacket tighter as he leaned against the wall and slowly slid down. It was exhausting. The darkness would creep up on him and drain him of every drop of energy. It was all he could do to get up. He hugged his knees and begged for it to go away. He fumbled with his pack of cigarettes and finally was able to pull one out and bring it to his lips with shaking hands. His lighter wouldn't catch. He cursed under his breath and forced himself to go inside the store. He grabbed a couple beers and a lighter, paid and sat outside once more. He chugged the beer quickly hoping to not be seen drinking in public. That was the last thing he needed.

He'd smoked half his pack by the time Francis' black Honda Accord pulled into the parking lot. He wiped the tears from his face and plastered on his goofy smile. Francis was texting when he opened the door. Francis looked up and wrinkled his brow. He set the phone down and hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry, I was texting Emma back. Oh, what happened? You look so upset?" Francis fussed over him.

"I'm fine, Franny. I just…" Antonio sighed and leaned back in his seat. "I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've lost myself and I don't know how to fix it."

"I know I'm the last person you probably want to hear this from, but maybe you're drinking and having random sex too often. I know, I know, we all partake, but really, this isn't who you are. You don't do this. Antonio…we're all looking for something bigger than ourselves. You just have to figure out what that is."

Antonio nodded. He was right. He was looking for something. He wanted what he felt with Lovino. He had a reason to get up in the morning. He had someone he could call or lay with at any point in time. Those days he felt he could run a marathon, he and Lovino would just fuck all day. He missed the look of innocence and lust merging together in those green orbs. He missed the unsure touches and the tentative kisses. He felt closer to normal. He'd been on and edge of a cliff that was slowly crumbling, but he'd wanted to make everyone feel safe, and secure, so he smiled and laughed knowing the ground was about to give out at any minute. And then he met Lovino. That boy had come out of nowhere with a steady stance on the firm ground. He'd anchored him to something solid. Now he was gone. He couldn't find an anchor no matter how hard he searched.

Antonio sighed and laid against Francis who kissed his cheek before driving toward their apartment. He brushed the tears away and stared at the road in his drunken stupor. He was starting to feel a slight throbbing. He hadn't bottomed sex in a very long time and they'd been so fast and rough. He closed his eyes and took in Francis. He always smelled so good. A mixture of perfume, the faintest hint of cigarettes and mint that reminded Antonio of the beaches of Nice on a summer day with the sun sparkling on the Mediterranean. His family used to go every summer. He'd met Francis there once before. They'd shared their first kiss there after skipping away from their families and got trashed on wine. They had both forgotten about it when Antonio's family left for Spain once again. It had been such a shock to see each other in the same school in a different country on another continent, but they'd pretended not to know each other. Francis was calming. He could be the rock, just like the pebble beaches they'd explored their sexualities.

Francis pulled into a parking space and nudged Antonio gently. The Spaniard's eyes fluttered open. He guessed he'd drifted asleep. He sat up slowly to be greeted by those sapphire eyes that always sparkled with laughter. He noticed the small smile playing at the Frenchman's lips. It would be so easy to just…

"Are you hungry, Antonio? I can make you something to eat," Francis said softly, rubbing his arm.

"Um…" Antonio couldn't think about anything besides finding something to hold him above the surface. He was drowning in his head and he didn't know how to scream any louder.

"Let's get you inside before you hurt yourself," Francis laughed as he stepped out of the car.

Antonio sat there for a moment before his door opened and Francis held a hand out to him, a small chuckle leaving him. Antonio took it and pulled himself out. He felt as though he were in quicksand. It was so hard to pull himself up. Moving felt like he was in water up to his neck as they made their way to the apartment. He was grateful to collapse on the floor. Francis studied him for a moment, a curious look on his face.

"You are going to eat something," he announced before muttering something in French Antonio vaguely understood.

Antonio didn't want to move. He didn't want to eat. He just…

"Is Emma here?" he asked, his voice sounding like it was coming through a tunnel far away rather than his own mouth.

"No, she's at Matthew's again," Francis said from the kitchen. "You know she's had it with you bringing in random hookups. She would rather not come out of her room to find a half-naked hungover person in our kitchen. And she's not able to sleep well with the noise you make. Antonio, she turned in her keys tonight when I got home. She can't deal with it anymore. She says you're scaring her. She's moving out of here and in with Matthew."

"Oh."

Antonio stared at the ceiling. Perhaps this was a good thing, but he couldn't help feeling like he was losing all of his friends, one by one. Sure, Gilbert talked to him again and they still had fun, but it wasn't the same. He could always feel the tension just below the surface. The way Gilbert's eyes flashed when Antonio brought up certain things, the disapproving glances and eye rolls he made every time Antonio found himself with someone warm at the clubs made it clear they weren't best friends anymore. Now Emma. She'd tried to speak to him. He knew she had, but why couldn't he remember it? He couldn't remember much of anything after Lovino left. Matthew didn't really talk much, not that they were particularly close before. Antonio knew he blamed him for making Lovino leave and Matthew was such a shy person it was hard to make new friends. Lovino hadn't talk to Matthew either, Antonio knew that much. And then Matthew's brother was no longer his usual annoying self these days. He was quieter around Antonio. Had Emma said something?

But Francis was always there. Sweet, perfect, beautiful, wonderful, familiar Francis. Antonio wanted to kiss him again, to touch him, to make him cry from ecstasy the way they had before. They'd had so much fun. Nothing had been dull with Francis. There'd never been the arguments that he had with Emma. Francis was sunshine on a cold day and ice water in the summer.

"Here," Francis smiled handing Antonio a cup of water. "You'll thank me for all of this in the morning."

"Gracias…" Antonio whispered forcing himself to sit up.

Francis smiled and sat down handing his friend a plate of food with a small plate of his own. Antonio wanted to cry. Francis had remembered that he hated to eat alone. Francis never ate this late, so he knew it was for his benefit. He watched Francis pick at his food, but ate regardless. Antonio's stomach began to feel better the more he ate and the more water he had. As the alcohol wore off, the pain crept in. _He was a worthless piece of shit. No wonder Lovino left. He was a failure at everything. He couldn't do anything right._ Tears slipped down his face. He felt himself crumble under the weight. Francis' arms wrapped around him. Antonio let himself go. He sobbed for everything and nothing at all. He would have wished to be happy again, but that would only mean he'd feel worse the next time.

Francis rocked him softly until Antonio could no longer cry. Antonio laid against him as Francis leaned against the couch running his fingers through his hair singing softly in French. It was so calming. Antonio closed his eyes and scooted closer to Francis. It was the first time since Lovino had disappeared that Antonio felt okay. He let himself relax and take Francis in. How much time had passed? He wasn't sure, but he listened carefully to the soft poetry of French falling from Francis' beautiful lips.

_..J'aime mieux que tu m'aimes sans depenser des sous… _(I much more enjoy you loving me without spending your money)

Tears formed in Antonio's eyes and the words filled the room softly, as though they were only meant for his ears. Francis sounded so sad as he sang. Antonio wrapped his arms around him, burying his face further into the man's chest.

_…toi quand tu m'serres tres fort. C'est comme un tresor et ca et ca vant de l'or…_ (You, when you hold me tight; it's like treasure and that, it's worth gold)

Antonio wished he could understand the lyrics. Words jumped out at him, but he was too exhausted to pay much attention. It was beautiful. Memories of Nice came back to him. The warms sun darkening his skin as his trembling hands ran over Francis' torso, tracing him. Antonio felt his breath quicken with the memory. He placed his hands on Francis' hips and slowly brought his green eyes to meet the blue stars that were Francis'. Francis' fingers were in his hair gently, oh so gently like how they were now. Antonio remembered how he'd pulled Francis close to him, the first time he'd ever felt another boy against him. Francis had stared into his eyes and leaned in gently their lips had touched. He'd never felt anything quite as remarkable as kissing Francis. The two had been so nervous exploring their sexualities.

_...J'en connais des tas qui feraient mieux de s'amier un pau un pau comme nous qui nous aimons beaucoup… _(I know many who'd be better off loving each other a little, a little like us who do love each other a lot)

And like all good things, the summer came to an end. He remembered his heart shattering into pieces when Francis hadn't shown up at the spot on the beach. He'd wanted nothing more than one last kiss. He never got it. The sun was setting and his family was going to be late to the train. He'd left slowly, looking back every few steps for the blonde boy with the blue eyes that captured his soul. He may not have been exceptionally beautiful in those days, but he had stolen Antonio's heart. One never forgets their first love. And fate had its way.

_…Car quand on s'aime tres fort c'est comme un tresor et ca et ca vaut de l'or…_ (Because when you love each other strongly, it's like a treasure and that, and that is worth gold)

Antonio remembered the first time he'd had sex with another boy. They were sixteen, just hanging out in Francis' room. Emma had broken up with Antonio a month prior and the Spaniard had moped around with his friends as though the world had ended. He stared at Francis from the bed as he studied on the floor. Puberty had been good to him. Antonio remembered that thought. He never remembered how they got from there to Francis thrusting in and out of him, but it was the best memory he'd ever had. If only…

_...C'est la mon tresor c'est toi toi qui vaut de l'or…_ (My treasure is there, it's you, you who are worth gold)

As Francis sang the last line of the song, Antonio ached for more. He ached to be closer. He needed to know what the song meant, why Francis seemed so sad. He pulled always slowly. Francis smiling softly back at him, his blue eyes flashing with something Antonio couldn't quite read. Antonio sat up, staring into them before running his hands over Francis' face that was now contorted into confusion. Antonio smiled.  
"I should have never broken up with you."

He pressed his lips hungrily to Francis' as the pressed deeper into the kiss. Francis' hands were on his hips pulling him closer. Antonio needed more than anything to be closer to him. His first love. His heart burned so strongly at that moment. Francis pulled away.

"You've been drinking…" he whispered, his voice small, tears in his eyes.

"I'm not drunk, Franny. I promise," Antonio whispered breathlessly as he returned his lips to Francis'.

Francis pulled away once more. "I don't think this is a good idea."

"Don't be so noble, Bonnefoy. Fuck me."

"Antonio, I don't just want sex. I don't…I need love. I need forever. I need commitment. I need…" Francis was failing.

"Te amo, mi amor, mi corazon…" Antonio knew how to break Francis' will power down still.

"If you hurt me…"

"I wouldn't dare," Antonio smirked.

Antonio stood up and held a hand to Francis, who sat staring at his feet, chewing his lip as he contemplated the offer before him. Antonio didn't know what Francis had been singing to him, but he knew in his heart it had been a love song. And the way he had sung it, Antonio knew Francis was in love with him. How had he been so blind? Ever since the night Antonio dumped him for being too clingy, Francis had never stopped crossing the line. Antonio wanted to laugh with joy. How had he not thought of this before? The fire he craved had been in front of him all along. So with one exaggerated accent, he winked.

"Let's combine my passion with your romance, shall we?"

Francis took his hand, his breathing ragged. Antonio could sense his apprehension. He wasted no time in pulling the man behind him to the bedroom. He tore off his clothes like his life depended on it and without a second thought, Antonio climbed onto him and began to make his wildest fantasies come true.

* * *

Sweat covered Lovino's body as his uterus contracted hard once more. He took a deep breath and pushed for what seemed like the millionth time. The room was so dim besides the light shining on his genitals. Everyone in the room was staring at what he'd always thought of as private parts, but privacy wasn't a thing when you were pregnant and even less so when you were pushing a child out of you.

"It's over! He's born!" Dr. Evans smiled as she placed the screaming child on Lovino's exposed abdomen to keep him warm while the cord was cut and the baby was dried.

Lovino laid back, closed his as tears slipped down his face. He'd done it. He'd successfully delivered his little boy, no medication to help. It had been so strange. He didn't remember the labor. He didn't remember his water breaking. All he remembered was pushing and pushing. And what was weirder still was that he didn't remember any pain. Even as his uterus shifted inside him to push the baby out and as the baby exited his body, nothing. He figured he'd just gone numb. He'd read about that. Once you reach the pain threshold of your body, you go numb.

He was able to sit up to look at his child finally. He reached out a hand to push back the blanket to reveal in the infant, but before he was able to a man scooped him up. Lovino's brow furrowed. It was the man who was adopting his son. A woman admired the child next to her husband. Their backs were turned to Lovino. He could hear them speaking, but could not make out the words. What were their names again? What did they look like? His mind was blank. Dread filled him. How could he have forgotten? He looked around the room. He couldn't see anyone's face other than Dr. Evans. Their voices were muffled and far away with their backs to him. They were more shadow like now. What was happening? Was he hemorrhaging?

"What's going on?" Lovino asked. Dr. Evans just smiled at him.

"Just a few stitches."

"Can I see my baby? Can I see my son?" Lovino begged reaching for the couple.

The room filled with malicious laughter as the couple walked away from him. Luca's cries filled the air, calling to him. He could understand the cries even with the lack of words. _Why did you give me away? Don't you love me? You promised me the world, Papa. Where are they taking me? Where's daddy?_

"WAIT! BRING HIM BACK! WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HIM! HE HAS TO BE EXAMINED! WAIT! WAIT!" Lovino called, his voice only a whisper.

"He's not yours anymore," Dr. Evans stated matter-of-factly.

"No, no, I change my mind! No!"

"It's too late."

Lovino collapsed into sobs. His arms felt heavy as he longed for his baby. He could swear he could feel him still inside him, moving and kicking like crazy. He felt so real. But he'd given birth. He'd gone through hell and for what? He wanted to die. The room began to fade to black. Maybe he was dying…a sense of relief filled him. At least he baby wouldn't feel abandoned. He wondered where Antonio was as his mind slipped away.

* * *

_**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Stay tuned! I already have the next chapter planned. I'll be working on it right away so I hope to have it up no later than next week. Also how what would y'all think of a few bits in Feliciano's POV? I think it'd help with the gerita I plan to write for this series. Let me know. **_

_**Please review!**_


	20. Chapter 20

_**Well this is a little later than planned. I'm not even going to give tentative dates anymore on when I plan to update because clearly it's not reliable. I'm rewriting a lot of this as many of my plans changed. Work is taking a lot of my time and I'm not going to lie, I'm having some mental health issues. There's a lot of lack of motivation. It's like I want to write, but I go to write and can't. Suddenly my mind is blank. Just know that I will finish all of this. It just make take a while. These fics are my babies. I plan to finish everything I start, even if I get a little side tracked, so please be patient with me. You all mean so much to me that you keep coming back every time. I cannot express how much that means to me. Y'all keep me going. **_

* * *

**28 Weeks**

Lovino rubbed his face and sighed. The past three weeks all Lovino had been doing was preparing for the adoption. The first week had consisted of legal work and types of adoptions for Lovino to choose from. He was also able to discuss the type of parents he wanted to be considered. Forms were drawn up and gone over. He had gone back and forth between open and closed adoptions. Try as he might, he could not decide which on hurt more. He had finally decided on an open adoption where he would be a part of his son's life. It was painful, but at least he would see him grow and Luca would know him. He wanted his son to know who he was, that they were blood. He had been assured everything was tentative. He was allowed to change his mind up until the day after Luca was born. The truth was that not having it permanent was tearing at Lovino. He wanted nothing more than to keep his child. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his face. He heard him laugh. It killed him to know he wouldn't be there.

The next two weeks had consisted of interviewing potential families. Lovino found it so strange that anyone with properly working organs could have a child, but adoptive parents had to jump through so many hoops. He felt ashamed to speak to them. Their eyes were staring, accusing. It was as if they were thinking, "How dare he give up his baby!" He felt as if he were on display for a public display of torture. He may have well had a scarlet A on his clothing and "whore," "slut," "abomination," "freak," and "faggot" branded on his face. He felt those things and his mind constantly reminded him.

Lovino stared up at the ceiling. No couples fit. He didn't like any of them. Nobody wanted him to be as involved as he wanted to be. A few pictures here and there and seeing the child on his birthday being referred to as Mr. Vargas by his own son would be almost crippling. The couples wanted to raise Luca knowing he was adopted, but wanted to pretend not to know the identity of his mother. It killed Lovino. He wasn't able to sleep. He was constantly having nightmares. Nothing seemed enough.

Lovino took a few breaths, eyes closed willing himself to pull it together and go inside. He had to interview these couples he was too far along to wait much longer if he wanted his medical bills covered. They'd told him that much. He reminded himself he'd been interviewing for two weeks now, never finding anyone worthy. He hated it. He'd wind up curled on his bed trying to explain everything to Luca as he sobbed. He placed a hand on his stomach as he felt the child move. Tears pooled in his eyes. He bit his lip and brushed them away.

"I'm sorry. I love you so much," he whispered.

With a shaky hand, he slowly opened the door. A couple stood with a nervous smile on their faces. Lovino studied them for a moment as he rubbed his belly. The woman's red hair was pulled back into a perfect bun. She wore a yellow dress with a matching shrug. The man had his hair combed to the side and was wearing a pair of black slacks and a white shirt. They appeared wealthy. He offered a smile and glanced at the ground.

"You must be Lovino. I'm Margret. This is my husband, Tom."

"Nice to meet you," Lovino said softly.

"Well take a seat. You are carrying precious cargo!" Margret laughed. It the fake, forced laugh that Lovino recognized. He didn't like it.

"So…um…I guess we should start," Lovino said shifting slightly. He hugged his stomach under the table as if to protect his child from hearing the process.

"I couldn't agree more!" Tom smiled flashing a toothy grin. "I'm the co-CEO of an elite company. I won't drop names. That's not why I'm here. Margret is a homemaker, but likes to busy herself with social engagements. We plan on paying your full medical bills and a little extra for your troubles. How does $30,000 sound? Do you think that's enough?"

"Oh, Tom, this is our baby's birth mother. Don't you think we could go a little higher?" Margret asked with a sly smile.

"Your ba..I haven't–" Lovino started to protest.

"Tell us, Lovino, are you in school?" Tom asked.

"Uh, not currently," Lovino tugged at his sleeves.

"What do you mean?" Margret leaned forward.

"I had to drop out. I was stu-"

"Dropped out? In today's economy? You are having a child. Don't you think it's in your best interest to get an education? Well I suppose you don't care since you are giving the baby up," Tom chuckled.

"I didn't want to…"

"What were you studying?'

"My major was a double in biochemistry and biomedical science. Premed."

"How were your grades?"

"I've made straight A's since preschool," Lovino muttered.

"Well then the child will be intelligent. That's key," Tom said to Margret. "And the father? What does he do?"

"He's a chef."

"Intelligent and creative. Good combination, I say. Your background?"

"I'm Italian," Lovino almost whispered. He felt so uncomfortable.

"No, I mean financial. How did you grow up/"

"I'm sorry, I don't see how that's relevant."

"Certain economic brackets are more prone to exposure to harmful chemicals and diseases. We are thinking about the child."

"I…I grew up in poverty," Lovino tried to keep back the tears.

"Oh well no wonder he's found himself pregnant so young," Margret whispered to Tom who chuckled and nodded.

"I thought we could talk about the conditions of the adoption," Lovino whispered. This was so important and he didn't feel like being put on display for a moment. Afterall, he was the one who was supposed to be doing the interviewing, not these people.

"Oh, yes. Very well," Tom smiled.

"I…I love my baby so much," Lovino started, his eyes darting to Margret who let out a scoff. "I want him to have the best and I can't do that for him."

"I'm sure you'll find that we are very capable of doing that."

"Okay, but I want to be involved. An open adoption would be the best."

"Oh, absolutely! We'll send you pictures every so often. You can visit on birthdays and Christmas. Of course, you'll be expected to pay your way. You say it's a boy?"

"I haven't found out the baby's sex yet. I'm holding off until I find parents. I don't want that to sway the decision. I just have a feeling it's a boy. That's why I said him." Lovino ignored the shared glance between the couple. He'd hidden that he knew from every couple. He hope the lie wasn't obvious. "I don't want pictures and visits twice a year. I want to know him and be able to be a part of their life."

"Are you out of your mind?" Tom snapped. "You are throwing a kid away and you want to be around to do all the easy part while we sit back and do the hard part."

"The hard part?" Lovino narrowed his eyes.

"You know, raise the kid. There is a possibility of it having your ailments, though homosexuality is rather in fashion I dare say," Margret smiled. "And the possibility of it being…intersex." She said the world as though it were a filthy word.

"What if he is? Would that be so bad? Would that ruin your perfect image? This is a child with thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams. You may end up being the one to feed and change him. You'll be waking up at all hours to console him. But I don't think that's the hard part. The hard part is knowing that the child inside you, that you share your secrets with and have grown to love more than anything else in the world with every fiber of your soul, that you've felt grow and move inside you won't be yours. The hard part is going through the pain of labor and delivery and never being able to take him home."

"No, silly! We would never wake up for a child. We would hire a full time nanny of course. Oh and we require that you have it via cesarean section. We want it to have a perfectly round head and not be splotchy after birth. It has to be perfect," Margret giggled.

"You want to be parents, but not actually be parents?" Lovino asked horrified. "You don't want to hug him and hold him? See how he grows? Also, I'm not getting a C section. What if I want to have more kids in the future? It's more risky after a C section. Plus, I'd love to hold him after he's born."

"It would come out looking disgusting. It would have a cone head. You're not holding it. You're not to see it. We've heard you young parents always back out once you see it. Which is why we also request that when you have the cesarean, you are under general anesthetic so you won't even hear it cry."

"Stop. Calling. My. Baby. It." Lovino hissed, glaring daggers at the couple.

"My dear boy, you are mistaken. It is not your baby. You are giving it up because you know that you're a piece of trash. Your ghetto ways of sleeping with everything that moves put you in a predicament and you know you can't support this child. It would grow up starving like you did. Besides, you're selfish. You want a life. Nothing wrong with that," Tom glared.

"You are nothing but a birth mother. That's all you'll ever be. Just a womb. Everyone can have children. You're not special," Margret spat.

"Really? Because obviously you can't. Guess what? I'm keeping my baby. Fuck you both!" Lovino glared and stormed out of the room. He couldn't do this.

Lovino fell back against the wall of the office. He gasped for air as tears poured down his cheeks. It wasn't true. Nothing they said was true. He could do this. He could raise Luca and give him everything. Wasn't that why all of this was so goddamned hard? Nobody would ever work because they weren't him. They weren't Antonio. Had growing up poor really been so bad? Sure he had been hungry and cold, but he'd always been loved. He never doubted that. He laughed awkwardly as Luca thrashed inside him.

"It's okay, mio piccolo," Lovino cooed. "You're safe. You're with Mama."

"Lovino…"

He jumped slightly and straightened up to face the social worker who'd been guiding him through this whole ordeal. She had her arms crossed and with a concerned look on her slightly cocked head. Her blonde curls framed her face giving her an almost angelic look to Lovino. He wiped the tears away and forced a smile.

"Yeah?"

"It's hard. I know." Lovino nodded in agreement as she rubbed his arm. "They were out of line, but really I must level with you." She took a deep breath and paused as though what she was about to say was hard for her to put into words. "The terms of your adoption are very hard to accommodate. The truth of the matter is that it's uncomfortable. I'm not saying it's not okay for you to ask this of these couples, but trying to compromise would be best. Once you choose a family, you'll get to know them and form a relationship. That's when it's easier to get what you truly want."

"I'm keeping him, Leona. I…I can't give him to people like that. I can't!"

"I know. I know. Lovino, remember when you first came in and talked with me about why you wanted to give you child up?" Lovino remained silent as he stared at the ground. "You said you wanted him to have everything he needed in life. You never wanted him to be cold or hungry or sick. You wanted him to have a parent with him constantly. You said you couldn't do that for him. If you want to change your mind, I'm going to support you. It's just my job to you and your child to make sure that your make the best decision."

Lovino bit his lip and glared at the wall. He hated all of this. He wanted to scream. If only his father hadn't cut him out or Antonio hadn't reacted so poorly. Lovino's heart tugged at the thought of Antonio. He missed him more and more these days if for nothing more than the way his smile calmed Lovino's soul. He pushed him from his mind and willed anger to burn inside him. This was all Antonio's fault. Antonio had been the one to come over. Antonio had given him the alcohol. Antonio had talked in him into sex even though Lovino had dreamt about it for months before it actually happened. Antonio had not used a condom. Antonio was the reason he was having to give up his baby.

"I don't know…" Lovino mumbled.

"There is one more couple…are you ready?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and shrugged. He couldn't keep up with this. He needed to do what was best for Luca even if it killed him inside. He wanted to curl up and sleep forever, but he knew he'd relive a terrible version of that horrific nightmare. If he finished the last interview, he'd be closer to going home. He wouldn't feel guilty for leaving. He could rest without having the what ifs floating through his mind. Despite how much he wanted Luca, he knew it was selfish to keep him. He angrily wiped away his tears and nodded before going to the interview room.

A Latino couple walked in. The woman was wringing her hands which clashed with the smile on her face. She wore a pair of black slacks and a light green blouse. Her light brown hair was pulled back into a neat bun. Lovino couldn't help noticing that she was beautiful. Her husband was shifting his eyes as his arm was laced across his wife's back. It was as if he was trying to look anywhere but at Lovino. He was in a Sunday best suit. They were both neat, but not flashy. Lovino liked it. The couple sat down with a smile.

"I'm Rosa Aguilar. This is my husband Philippe. We're both so excited to meet you. We have been trying for a child for so long, but I don't think it's in God's plan for us to have one the conventional way," she gushed in a slightly accented voice. The musical intonations reminded Lovino of Antonio.

He swallowed a lump and picked at the table trying to keep him mind focused. This wasn't the best way to spend his twenty-first birthday. He was forced to be treated like a piece of livestock as rich couples picked him apart, interviewing him rather than the other way around. They'd all tried to throw their money at him as though they could buy a child. It broke his heart. Two week of the same old questions. Two weeks of being made to feel worthless and selfish and scum.

"Are you Latino? I couldn't help but notice your first and last names don't quite flow, but we do like the originality of your first name. We're Mexican," the woman smiled holding her husband's hand.

Lovino rolled his eyes. He was so tired of being asked his ethnic background. He was sick of talking about Antonio. He wanted to just hurry along to the part where he was upset to tears and left. Anything to get out of this hell he was living. He swallowed and without looking replied in a rather bored tone.

"I'm Italian. The baby's father is Spanish. He's a chef. I was double majoring in biomedical science and biochemistry with a focus in premed. I wanted to be a doctor before this. No, his father is not in the picture. Yes, he knows about the baby. No, he's not aware of my decision to do this, but considering he told me to get an abortion I don't think he'd care much. Yes, I love my child more than anything in the world. I'm aware I've made a terrible mistake in getting pregnant before I was able to care for him. No, I don't need to be lectured. I grew up in poverty if that's relevant to you. Somehow people find it relevant. Also if you're planning on tell me what to do with _my_ body when _I_ give birth other than pain medication since those can actually affect the baby, you can get the fuck out. If you are planning on not raising him and hiring a full time nanny to raise him for you, you can leave. If you think he's worth a price, don't even bother. If you have a problem with me be gay or intersex or the possibility that my baby could also be intersex, then you can just get up and leave because quiet frankly if I have to hear one more condescending comment, I'm going to burst. As if it's not hard enough to find out you're intersex at twenty years old because you're fucking pregnant. And I want him to be checked at birth because I don't want him to grow up and have this happen. If you're not goingto love my baby with your entire hearts, then you-"

"Lovino, wait, stop," Philippe put his hand on the table in front of Lovino. "None of that matters to us. How are you feeling today? Are you well?"

Lovino stared at them. Nobody had asked him that. "I…I'm so tired. And uncomfortable. I just want to go home if I'm being honest and sitting here with his head digging into my ribs while he assaults my bladder isn't the most fun thing." Lovino brushed a tear away.

"It's so beautiful, pregnancy," Rosa beamed.

"Yeah…well…" Lovino chewed the inside of his cheeks. Why were they dragging this out? Why did they insist on humiliating him? Why did everyone want to nit pick?

"What do you want from all of this? What would make you happy? I understand this is very hard and I couldn't imagine going through this, but it's obvious you love your child. We wouldn't dream of keeping your child away from you. We understand that you aren't able to give him the life you want to give him, and so you're being mature and responsible to give him to someone who can. It's very admirable. It takes a strong person," Philippe said softly with a smile.

Lovino stared at them, mouth gaping slightly. His eyes darted between them. Nobody had said this to him before. He hugged his belly a smile danced on his lips. "I want an open adoption. I want to know my baby. I don't want to be Mr. Vargas. I want him to know how much I love him and who I am. I want to watch him grow up and give him hugs and kisses. I…" Lovino's voice broke. "I want to be near him. His name is Luca. You can't change his name. I know…I know it sounds so crazy, but he picked his name. So you can't change it, okay?' It was the first time he'd told a couple the sex of his baby. His heart pounded in his chest. "A-And I'm going to give birth to him naturally, but I don't think I can do it without an epidural. I can't imagine what that would feel like. I mean…" he trailed off as his mind went to the slight discomfort of Antonio first pushing into him those few months they had together.

"Of course. We don't to make the birth unpleasant for you. Speaking of the birth, if you do choose us, how do you see your labor and delivery? Do you want it to be private?" Rosa wrung her hands once more.

Lovino thought about it for a moment. He'd not really thought this far ahead. His dream played in his mind, but was it really fair to keep them from seeing him be born? But then again, it would be the hardest thing he'd ever do. He'd read up on child birth. It wasn't pretty. Things happened that nobody needed know about. Bodily fluids most people didn't realize existed would be everywhere. It wasn't dignified. He'd likely be screaming and begging for it to be over. But was it fair to them?

"I…" Lovino bit his lip. "I think I'd like to do that on my own. And if I could just have a few hours with him before you take him. I…I wanted to breastfeed. It's so good for babies. I was reading about it. The milk is made for the specific baby. All the germs he's exposed to will have antibodies in my milk. I know it's not going to be possible, but I'd really like it to be able to breastfeed him while I'm in the hospital, just so he as a little more immunity." Lovino brushed more tears away. This was the family. It was real. He'd found the perfect parents.

"Of course. Lovino?" Philippe squeezed his wife's hand. She nodded. "What if you came to live with us for a few years? The more help we have the better. I understand you're not in a good place financially. We can pay you for helping out with him. We own a business and our original plan was to have our child we are blessed to adopt with us. We have plans on making a playroom for them, but seeing as you have things that you want I don't see the harm in allowing him to stay with you if you're free. You can breastfeed him or pump the milk."

"I…I…" Lovino was shaking. "Yeah." He whispered. "So…So it's decided." His voice was strained. "You'll be my baby boy's parents." His body shook violently. He hugged himself tighter to keep from falling to pieces. His baby wasn't his anymore.

"Oh! Philippe, he picked us! Dios mio!"

Lovino watched them hug and wipe away tears as they spoke to each other in rushed Spanish. He smiled weakly, tears filling his eyes as Luca thrashed in his belly. It was uncomfortable, painful even. Lovino took a deep breath. He knew Luca was protesting. He was saying, "Wait, Papa, no! You're my Papa!" He stood up and slowly walked to the opposite side of the table.

"Do…do you want to feel him kicking?" Lovino whispered.

"Can we?" Rosa asked, covering her mouth as a laugh escaped her throat.

Lovino nodded and moved his hands away, clasping them behind his back as the pair rested their hands on his belly. They spoke softly to Luca, using the name, introducing themselves as his new parents. Lovino closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. They were so kind. They truly wanted Luca. Everything seemed perfect. He could stay with his baby boy, breastfeed him and give him the best start to life, but he'd have to leave eventually. He couldn't stand the thought that his child would call someone else Mama and Papa, but it was necessary.

Lovino talked with the couple for a few moments longer as they discussed the particulars about doctor's appointments and looked at the sonograms. They exchanged numbers and agreed it was best to keep in touch and get to know one another in the coming weeks. Twelve short weeks until Luca was due. He could come earlier or later, but the reality was twelve weeks was what Lovino had left for it to just be him and his baby. He felt like he was dying inside as he forced himself to keep a smile on his face.

He said his goodbyes and made his way to his car. The warm March afternoon was dulled to his senses as he let the tears flow. It was as though a piece of him were being ripped away. In a way, it was. Luca would be born, torn away from the only tangible thing connecting him and would no longer be his baby. He rubbed his belly whispering softly.

"This is what's best, Luca. You'll have everything you'd ever want or need. You'll have a mom and dad who can afford to give you the life I never had, the life I can't give you right now. Please don't hate me, baby, please…"

Luca flipped wildly within his womb. Lovino sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes and experiencing the sensation fully. It was as though he were feeling it for the first time despite having felt Luca moving from very early on. Dr. Evans had even said herself it was extremely rare to feel at thirteen weeks. She suggested it may have been gas, and maybe it was, but Lovino was convinced it was Luca. They'd connected that moment. The corners of his mouth twitched up as he differentiated the body parts rubbing along the walls of his uterus.

Luca's head was still buried somewhere in his ribs. It was uncomfortable, bordering on painful at times. Kicks to his bladder and pelvis that were even more uncomfortable. An elbow sliding along, visible under the shirt that was now snug on his growing stomach. It wasn't comfortable, but he smiled anyway. Luca was free and happy in him and that was all that mattered. He vowed to cherish the remained of his pregnancy and experience what he'd always believed to be a miracle.

A buzzing pulled him out of his concentration. He sat up, wiping his tears away picking up his phone. Matthew had texted him. He'd been sending him a text a day lately if he didn't call him, claiming he was just checking to make sure he was okay and that he missed him. The words on the screen froze Lovino's blood. He read the text over and over again.

"I can't wait to see you! xD"

"What the fuck?" Lovino stared at the screen. What was Matthew talking about? He was unnerved to say the least. He texted back a quick reply saying he thought he'd texted the wrong person no sooner than to have a similar to text from both Alfred and Emma pop up in his notifications.

"Dude! I cannot wait to see you! It's going to be so cool!"

"Hey sweetie! It's going to be lovely to see you. Do you need me to bring anything?"

Lovino chewed his lip staring at his screen. He managed a small reply to each and put his phone down before driving home. What was going on? His mind was swarmed with thoughts he barely paid attention to the road. He couldn't be sure if the heavy sensation in his chest was from heartburn as this was a common occurrence the further along he got or from the worry. He somehow arrived safely home. He parked the car and bit his lip again checking his phone to see no new messages. Yes, they had just texted the wrong number. How silly. He sighed and shook his head as he let out a soft chuckle.

* * *

Opening his front door revealed Feliciano standing on a chair hanging green streamers. A sign was hung near the entrance bidding him a happy birthday. His breathing became strained as his heart began to pound in his chest. The smell of chocolate cake baking hung in the air. What was going on?

"Feli…" Lovino gasped out.  
"Fratello, ciao!" Feli clambered down off the chair.

"What. The. Fuck?" The older brother crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at the younger.

"Happy birthday!" Feliciano sang pouncing on Lovino who pushed him away.

"What the fuck!?" Lovino demanded again.

"It's our birthday and I thought it'd be nice for you to have a birthday party! I've invited your friends and I made you a cake and Matthew's bringing pizza! You've been so down I thought this would be nice," the teen smiled.

"In case you haven't fucking realized…I'm seven months pregnant!" Lovino snapped causing his brother to flinch. "And. They. Don't. Know."

"Well then we might as well change you into something nice before they get here," Feli beamed. Lovino wanted to smack the smile off his face.

"No!" Lovino ran his hand through his hair as tears filled his eyes. "Fuck you, Feli! You can't just do this!"

Feliciano crossed his arms and glared back at his brother, though the stance lost the affect with the festive birthday that he was wearing atop his beanie. His clothes swallowed his smaller than usual frame and his eyes were surrounded by dark circles.

"Listen up, Lovino, I don't have energy. I'm sick. I'm getting pumped full of poison and I want to do this nice thing for you and give you everything I have," Feliciano coughed for a moment, "and you're going to like it. You're going the wear the damn party hat and you will smile and you will have fun because if I can smile, you damn well can!" Feliciano finished, his breathing ragged and quick. "So do you want to wear the clothes I bought you or do you want to tell your friends why you've been hiding?"

Lovino wanted to scream at his brother. He was never as good at emotion as Feliciano. He hid them by being angry. Feliciano was almost always happy. He wiped the tears from his eyes and hugged his chest.

"What did you get?" Lovino sighed. Feliciano's face lit up as he grabbed his brother by the hand and dragged him to his room talking a mile a minute as per usual.

"I know your regular clothes are getting really tight on your belly and you don't have much, so you need to keep them in good condition so you have something to wear once Luca is born. I know you've been having a really hard time with all of this pregnancy thing, so you wouldn't want the regular maternity clothes even though a lot of it is really pretty. You've been wearing a lot of scrub pants and sweats, but that isn't cute. So I got you a Bella band! You can wear it with jeans or whatever pants you want it holds them up!" Feliciano shoved an elastic band at him. "And it helps support the weight of your belly and protect your back and from the way you walk, it's obvious you're uncomfortable. You waddle." Feli giggled.

"I do not…" Lovino muttered examining the band.

"And so I was looking into it and I found this nice person who makes maternity clothes for transmen who are having babies. They're like masculine stuff, but maternity! I thought you'd like it so I got you a few outfits!" Feliciano handed him a black long sleeved shirt with areas on the side like traditional maternity clothes.

"Feli…" Lovino couldn't believe it. He slowly looked up at his brother who was continuing to talk. He grabbed his brother in a hug and sobbed into his shoulder. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" he repeated over and over.

Feliciano giggled and hugged him back. "No problem. You're so cute and I want you to feel as comfortable as you can. I know you don't like feminine stuff. I saw you looking at maternity clothes and you just looked pained. I don't like it. So get dressed in any of these clothes I got you. Don't worry about how I paid for it. You don't want to know. Plus it's your birthday, so this is your birthday present."

Feliciano hugged his brother and kissed his cheek before practically skipping out of the room. Lovino stared down at the pile of clothing that sat on his bed. He could wear jeans… Lovino went to his closet and pulled out his favorite pair of jeans. He hadn't been able to wear them in months. He slid the band over and admired how comfortable they fit. He looked at himself in the mirror, a smile dancing on his lips. It was seamless. He noticed the pain in his lower back had been relieved slightly. Next he went through the shirts before deciding on the black shirt. He pulled a flannel on over it, rolling up the sleeves to his elbows, a smile on his face as he did so. He hadn't been able to dress like he wanted to in so long. He pulled his black boots out and sighed as he struggled to pull them on while battling with his protruding belly. He successfully got them on and pulled a black beanie over his hair. He stared in the mirror and laughed. He looked so good! And he was so comfortable. The shirt hung looser around his belly than he'd thought. For the first time his entire pregnancy, he took a full body selfie and then turned to the side for a belly shot before going to the living room as a knock announced his friend's arrival.

Lovino tugged on his shirt anxiously before opening the door. He couldn't help but smile when he saw Matthew. He instantly teared up in relief and hugged his friend tightly. He hadn't realized how much he missed his best friend. Matthew hugged him back, holding the pizzas he was carrying out of the way, saying he'd missed him. Lovino pulled back and wiped his eyes with his sleeve before his arms were around Alfred, then Emma. He took a step back for them to enter the apartment. Matthew set the pizzas down on the bar as he was instructed. Lovino led them through a quick tour of where everything was before settling back in the living room.

"So that's where everything is," Lovino beamed.

"It's a really nice place…" Alfred noted glancing around.

"Yeah, I got it for Lovi at a discounted rate. I'll take advantage of cancer. Show it who's boss, you know?" Feli chimed in with a laugh from the kitchen.

"Hi, Feliciano," Matthew said softly with a wave. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit…" Feli muttered. "But I'm good!"

Lovino chewed his lip thinking keeping back the urge to press gently against where Luca was kicking him. He crossed his arms instead. He had to be super conscious of what he did if he was going to keep this a secret. He couldn't be absently rubbing his belly or pressing it like he found himself doing. He turned his attention from Feliciano back to his friends. His heart sank as noticed all their eyes fixed to his belly. He cleared his throat and pulled his shirt around him.

"Is anyone hungry?" he choked out, turning to hide his belly.

"Um, yeah, that sounds great," Matthew smiled, lacing his fingers with Emma.

Lovino led them into the kitchen. Feliciano was already setting out plates and cups of coke. Lovino took Feli by the shoulders and led him to the couch to sit down. He'd been working on so much for him. The boy needed to rest. He looked so pale. Feli protested to the treatment, but Lovino reminded him he was his baby brother and he wasn't going let him get himself sick over something as silly as a party. His friends were coming out of the kitchen with plates of food and a drink each. Lovino hurried past them telling them to make themselves comfortable to get his brother and himself food. Luca was throwing a fit from hunger.

He ate silently next to Feliciano as a movie Alfred brought blared on the television. He barely paid attention to it. His mind was too preoccupied. He'd picked a family. He had actually done it. He'd give up his own flesh and blood. Part of him felt like it was the same thing that Roma had did to him, got rid of him when things stopped being easy. He knew he was doing it for good, not as a punishment, but part of him still nagged. He glanced at his brother's plate as a distraction from his thoughts and sighed. Feli had only eaten a slice and a couple bites of another.

"Feli, you really need to eat," Lovino muttered.

"I am! I just can't eat a lot at once or I throw up. You haven't even taken more than a few bites so don't even start…" Feli snapped. "Eat, eat right now."

Lovino sighed and rolled his eyes. Feliciano had been doing this lately, acting as though it was Lovino who was barely eating. He was so stuffed! He couldn't eat another bite. He rubbed his belly gently before pulling his hand away. He pushed himself up and took his brother's and friend's plates.

Feli followed in and grabbed the cake, announcing that it was time to sing happy birthday. It was lively enough. Everyone joined in and grabbed a piece. They sat around talking and catching up. Matthew and Emma were getting very serious. Matthew had received a grant from the NSF for his research thesis. Alfred and Natalya had finally gone on a few dates and Alfred was feeling good. Emma had officially been promoted on her unit. Nobody brought up Antonio. Lovino wanted so badly to ask, but didn't dare.

"Okay! Presents!" Feli smiled handing Lovino a bar of chocolate. Lovino frowned. Feli had already done so much for him. He didn't feel right taking it.

"No, Feli, you've already given me enough."

"Take it!" Feli insisted. "I got it for you."

"Will you share it with me?" Lovino murmured staring at the wrapper.

"Sure!" Feli beamed throwing his arms around him.

Matthew's gift was next. It was a few books on the body and how things worked and a few gift cards. Emma got him some nice clothes noting that she'd remembered Lovino wanting more clothing, though she wasn't sure the size and just guessed. Alfred handed Lovino his gift, glancing at his brother and Emma with a slight shift. He suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable.

Lovino smiled as he pulled out yet another assortment of gift cards. He frowned looking at them. A few were for generic stores, but they had baby themed backgrounds. The rest were for baby stores. Lovino's mouth hung open. He swallowed and pulled out a pack of three onsies, newborn to three months, gender neutral. Lovino felt his heart begin to race and breathing become shallow. No, no, no, no… He shifted his gaze from the gift to Feli who was staring in shock. He turned to his friends. Alfred looked like he was going to explode. Emma and Matthew were staring at Alfred in horror. Alfred erupted into his loud laugh.

"Fooled ya, dude! Remember how I kept saying if you were a girl, I'd think you were knocked up? Well I figured, hey why not roll with it? I'm sorry if it went to far…" Alfred's voice fell. He rubbed his arm and looked away.

"Oh," Lovino let out his breath and laughed tossing everything back in. "Wow." He laughed again. "I thought you were commenting on me gaining weight! Thanks everyone! I loved it all."

Feliciano excused himself to sleep while the others talked. Emma dominated most of the conversation as Lovino and Matthew were generally introverted people. Alfred didn't really speak the rest of the night. His eyes just kept lingering on Lovino's stomach. He'd look away when he was caught, but his facial expression was unreadable. He was being far from the Alfred Lovino had known since first day of freshman year. Lovino brushed it off figuring it was just embarrassment from the reception of the gift. Alfred had never been one to do well with knowing where the line was and always crossed it. It was something you got used to with him. He always meant well. People who knew him knew that much.

Before long, the evening was over. It was all Lovino could to do to keep his eyes open. Pregnancy took a toll on the body. He was rarely not finding himself falling asleep. A few times during the course of the night, Lovino had fallen asleep against Matthew only to be woken up by what he assumed to be Luca. After about three times of jumping awake, he agreed to walk his friends out. It had been a lovely evening and he was sad to see them go. He hugged Matthew tightly not wanting to let his best friend leave. Matthew promised he'd keep in touch and offered to meet for lunch soon. Lovino reluctantly agreed. And then they were gone.

Lovino closed the door with a smile. Feliciano had really outdone himself today. He had never been more grateful of his brother than he was at that moment. He'd never had a birthday like that and after the social isolation of the past few months, it was so nice to catch up with his friends and get to know Emma just a bit better. She and Matt seemed to adore each other. He was sure he'd never seen Matthew look so happy. They were definitely in love. He approved. His friend deserved a nice girl.

He picked up the onsies Alfred gave him as a gag gift. If only Alfred knew how right he was. He wanted to pick out the outfit his baby went home in. He wasn't sure what Rosa and Philippe wanted, but he could imagine it. There was no harm in that. He looked at them. A white one with puppies, a green one with a frog, a yellow with chicks. They were so cute. He imagined Luca wearing them.

His phone buzzed across the coffee table. He groaned and picked it up. Who would be calling him? His heart skipped a beat when he saw the caller ID. Feliciano =D The words screamed at him from the screen. He took a few deep breaths and put a hand on his belly to calm Luca who was reacting to the endorphins his body no doubt flooded his system with. Feliciano was asleep in the bedroom which meant Roma was calling.

"P-pronto?" Lovino answered, trying to calm his voice.

"Ciao, Lovino…um…happy birthday," Roma's voice sounded shy.

"Ciao, Papa. Uh…thank you." Lovino dug his nails into his skin.

"How are you feeling? Are you feeling nauseous? Sore? I'm sure you're uncomfortable. How far along are you now?"

Lovino bit his cheek as tears filled his eyes. He didn't know what to say. His father hadn't talked to him like this in months. He was so used to cold glares or rude comments, he didn't know what to do. He let out a shaky breath and wiped his tears away. He wanted nothing more than to hug his father. He just needed to be able to lean against him and cry and feel safe wrapped in his arms like he had since he was a child, but that wouldn't happen...would it?

"Lovi?" Roma's voice was soft.

"Uh, I…Um…Twenty-eight weeks and four days," Lovino whispered.

"Ah, your mother started feeling miserable around that time."

"Yeah…I…I don't feel sick. I just," Lovino tugged on his shirt, "It's more like being bloated and heartburn and swollen ankles when I'm on my feet too long. My back hurts constantly. It just feels so heavy."

"Be sure you're getting plenty of rest, okay, passerotto mio?" Lovino bit his lip and shook his head. "Look Lovino, I have to talk to you about something-"

"Papa? I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry," Lovino interrupted with a sob.

"Lovi, it's okay," Roma cooed into his ear. "We can talk."

"I just…I loved him so much and, and, and he's gone and I don't know what to do and I'm so alone and I love my baby, I love him so much, but Papa, I can't give him a good life," Lovino gushed. "I can't. Not now. I don't make enough. I don't know what else to do!"

"Lovino, slow down," Roma managed to say.

"I interviewed so many people and they were so mean! They don't understand how hard this all is and I just, I need my baby to have a good life. I talked to some people who were so kind and I just had to say okay. It's getting so late," Lovino sobbed ignoring his father. "But I don't want to. Dio mio, Papa, I don't want to."

"Lovino…" Roma sounded suspicious. "What are you saying?"

"My baby…I…I've put him up for adoption so that he can have the life I can't give him, the life he deserves."

"I knew I was right," Roma's tone suddenly became vicious. "This is all your fault. What kind of sad excuse of a mother are you? It's not that baby's fault you're a slut! It's not that innocent child's fault you don't know how to stay away from temptation!"

"Papa, please, please…" Lovino sobbed.

"Bring my Feliciano home. NOW!"

Lovino jumped at the loud sound of the receiver being slammed down in his ear. He trembled and stared at his phone for a moment. Everything had been going so well… He curled into himself and hugged his belly as he sobbed into the couch. He just needed his dad to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay. He wished his mother were still alive to help him through this. She'd understand. He missed her so much.

"Lovi?" Lovino wiped his face and sat up to find Feli standing above him, a worried look on his face. "I heard you crying. Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah…" Lovino pushed himself off the couch to stand. He hated how hard it was getting. He felt like a damn turtle now. "Papa wants you to go home."

"Oh…" Feli's face and shoulders fell. "Okay."

* * *

Feliciano stared into the night. A few people walked along the streets. You couldn't see the stars in their rundown neighborhood. He loved looking at the stars, but the trouble with living in the bad part of town was the light pollution. He wanted to be fifteen again, laying on that hill on the outskirts of town with Timmy staring up at the night sky talking about life. He wished Timmy hadn't gone to Germany for school. He missed his old friend.

Lovino was staring out the driver's side window, silent. He hadn't said a word since Feliciano had found him on the couch after his nap. Tears reflected the bright city lights. Feli rubbed his brother's arm. Lovino dried his eyes on his sleeve.

"I love you. Happy birthday," Feliciano smiled.

"I love you too. Happy birthday," Lovino chewed his lip. "You made this the best birthday I've had. I hope you know how much that means to me."

Feli hugged his knees. He wasn't used to Lovino being so open. It was one good thing about him since he'd gotten pregnant. He expressed himself so easily compared to before. Feliciano wasn't sure if he was the hormones or the fact that he and Antonio had been a thing and his walls had been torn down.

The porch light of their childhood home flipped on. Both boys looked over to see the silhouette of their father standing with his hand on his hips. He called to Feliciano. Feli groaned and tried to melt into his seat. He didn't want to go inside. He didn't want to leave his brother.

"You should go," Lovino muttered.

"I don't want to you. You should be alone. Let's just leave," Feliciano begged.

Lovino offered Feliciano a weak smile and shook his head. "No, you need to go get some rest. I'm okay, just tired and hormonal is all. You know..."

Feliciano followed his brother's eyes to his large belly he was rubbing absently. The boy nodded reluctantly and hugged him once more before getting out of the car. His legs protested his weight as he stood. His vision blacked as dizziness hit him. He fought the urge to lean against Lovino's car. He couldn't let Lovino know how badly he was feeling. That'd been his goal the past few months. Hide how much his illness was affecting him as much as possible for his brother's sake. He took a few breaths to steady himself. He glanced up to see his father watching him intensely. He hated being treated like this.

"Feliciano, are you alright?" Roma asked softly.

Feli squeezed his eyes shut as he dug his nails into his arms. He wasn't alright, but he needed to be so desperately. He nodded. It was as though the wind could blow him over like a sack of leaves. The cool March air felt more like knives against his face. He took one look back at his brother before making his way to the house. Once he reached his father, he heard Lovino's car pull away. He felt his heart tug. Lovino shouldn't be alone.

"Feli, why are you sneaking out constantly?"

Feliciano could see the anger in his father's eyes. He rolled his eyes and plopped down on the couch, wincing as he did so. He'd been sneaking out since he was thirteen to go to parties and hook up, but of course Roma had never noticed. Lovino had never said anything. Just muttered for Feli to shut up or that he smelled bad. It frustrated him before, but now he would give anything to have tabs kept on him all the time.

"I didn't sneak out. I went to see my brother," Feli mumbled. "Why are you trying to keep me from him?"

"I don't have time to discuss this right now. I think it's best if we don't get into an argument. I can tell you're tired and you're not feeling well. This is what I'm worried about. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. If anything happened to you or Lov-" Roma bit his lip and squeezed his fists. "If anything happened to you, I would die."

"Whatever..." Feli muttered and stared at the ceiling.

"I don't like this new attitude you've taken with me in the past few months either! It's rude. I am your father. You are supposed to respect me," Roma was having a hard time keeping his temper. His blood was beginning to simmer to a boil.

"You know, I don't understand why I should respect you. I don't. I mean, you threw Lovino out when he needs you so much. How can you see him like that and be so mean? Papa, he's always so sad and he's getting sadder and you don't care!" Tears threatened in Feli's eyes as he trembled.

The combination of the day's activities and the stress were causing him to feel even more nauseous and dizzy than before. He closed his eyes and hugged himself willing the nausea to pass. Fire ran threw his veins and his stomach jumped. It as if the two organs were racing in a fight to see who could distress him more. He grabbed the trash can next to him and emptied the contents of his stomach as Roma rubbed his back and reassured him. Feliciano wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and allowed himself to collapse against his father. He may have been angry, but he was miserable and needed the comfort. He closed his eyes and pretended he was somewhere far away. His father's hands running through his hair was the wind. The softness of the couch was sand.

"This is why I hate you going out. You are always so sick when you come home. It's not fair to you. And it's your birthday. I've got your favorite meal and a cake and you have presents!"

Feliciano sat up, shocked. He pushed away the dizziness and stared at his father with wide eyes and a huge grin. This was such a rare occurrence. All he'd ever dreamed of as a child was to have a _real _birthday. Never had they ever had presents for their birthdays. Only a 92 cent box of cake mix with icing from the Dollar Store. He threw his arms around his father and let out a small giggle that ended with a coughing fit. He tried to hide it, but it was no use.

* * *

_**Please leave a review. **_


	21. Chapter 21

_**Hey, sorry this took so long! I finally got the energy to write. This was going going to be much longer, but I decided to cut it half. There are a few things in this chapter that may seem random, but I assure you they're necessary for the series and later on. Bear with me. This has a bit in Matthew and Francis' point of view. Honestly I'm looking forward to Luca being born. Soooooon**_

_**Again, I'm sorry! Enjoy!**_

* * *

**30 Weeks**

Lovino winced and shifted as the cold metal slid into him and opened to allow Dr. Evans a look at his cervix. He kept his eyes fixed to the ceiling during the exam. He never got used to it. He felt so uncomfortable to have someone down there with a light shining into his insides. He knew the purpose, but it never made him not bit his lip to fight tears of embarrassment. He let out a gasp as he felt it pull out and closed his eyes as the obstetrician inserted her fingers into him and began to palpate. He was relieved when she finished the exam.

"Well everything looks good. Baby still hasn't flipped yet it seems. He's still bottom first. If he's still in that position at about thirty-five or thirty-six weeks, we'll discuss external rotation to flip him. I know you don't want a cesarean, so we'll try all we can. The good news is that you're not effaced or dilated at all. I know you were concerned, so we won't be doing another pelvic check until you're about thirty-six weeks along unless you are concerned or I think there's a concern for something, okay?" She smiled.

Lovino nodded, relieved for the news. He sat up and she allowed him to pull his underwear and jeans back on before returning with Rosa and Philippe. They entered timidly, almost holding on to each other. They gave a small smile to Lovino and apologized for being late. They took a seat next to the table and took each other's hand. Lovino offered them a small smile as he laid back to allow Dr. Evans to measure his belly. He pulled his shirt up to his chest wishing the room was just a little warmer and allowed his arms to rest on his chest.

"Dios mio!" Rosa gasped.

Lovino, Philippe and Dr. Evans glanced over at her. Her eyes were fixed to Lovino's belly. She stood up hesitantly and touched the skin and shook her head. Her eyes lit up and she smiled at Lovino.

"Sorry, I don't want to give you ojo. You're so lucky! You don't have any stretch marks! It's so nice! Most people get them by now. Your skin is so beautiful!" she gushed.

"Um, thank you?" Lovino smiled. "Yeah, I've been worried about that actually. I've been using so much cocoa butter I probably smell like a chocolate bar. Plus it itches sooooo badly if I don't," Lovino frowned.

It wasn't a lie. Lovino checked constantly for them. He wanted to get out of pregnancy unscathed. Nobody would want a guy who had stretch marks all over their body, would they? He wasn't sure. He just knew it was something he worried about. He didn't want to explain why he had them. He honestly wasn't even sure he knew how to tell someone in the future that he'd given birth. How would they view him? Would they see him as someone they could never date? Adoption eased a little of his anxieties regarding the future. He knew for a fact nobody would want to date a twenty something year old with a kid. He wasn't a girl who'd been taken advantage of. Feli told him he was being ridiculous and buying into the social construct that meant nothing, but he couldn't help it. He worried. It was easy for Feliciano to say. He didn't want to settle down with someone. That just wasn't something he desired, but Lovino wanted it desperately.

"Well there is still time," Dr. Evans warned. "I wouldn't get too excited just yet. Sometimes you don't see them while you're pregnant, but they show up after you've given birth and the skin begins to shrink. You will also have a lot of rapid growth this trimester."

Lovino bit the inside of his cheeks. He felt Rosa put her hand on his. He allowed her to hold it. She smiled at him. She was so kind, so gentle. Lovino couldn't help thinking how she reminded him of his mom. She made him feel safe. Her mere presence calmed him. Just knowing she was there. He smiled back at her and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"It will be even more beautiful if you get them, you know," she said with a wink. "It shows you've given a life. You've made our family complete. Either way, you're a beautiful soul."

Lovino's chest swelled. He smiled and nodded at her. Dr. Evans let him know he was right on target with growth and cool gel landed on his belly. He inhaled sharply as it touched his skin. He wondered why they didn't warm it beforehand. It would have just been the nicer thing to do. Rosa waved Philippe over, not once letting go of Lovino's hand. Her thumb ran over the back of it as she took her husband's hand in her free hand. Lovino felt the familiar pressure of the wand on his belly, but this time instead of his eyes being glued to the screen, they were on this couple who were getting their prayers answered.

He thought back to the first time he'd heard the heartbeat, the pure panic that ran through his body and how now it was music to his ears. Every appointment his ears strained for that undeniable sound of life. The first time he'd seen Luca, his heart skipped and he instantly fell in love. He was always so eager to see that tiny human growing in his womb. The idea of seeing that go through someone's face all at once seemed to be so beautiful. He longed to see it.

The room filled with that impossibly fast heartbeat. Rosa's face erupted into a smile and laugh as she hugged her husband. His mouth was hanging open just slightly in awe, his eyes softened just a bit. Lovino glanced at the screen for a moment making sure it was on before going back to the couple. Rosa was sucking in her lips, head still resting on Phillippe's chest. Philippe's face was set in stone as he stared. He almost seemed to be holding his breath. Lovino knew the exact moment their eyes laid about his face. Rosa pulled her hand away and clasped them both to her chest as tears sprang to her eyes as she hurriedly whispered her husband's name. Tears were in his eyes as well. He pulled his wife to him and kissed her head. They hugged each other, kissed, all while staring at the image of the baby they were going to adopt.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much!" Rosa sobbed hugging Lovino and kissing his cheek. "You are an angel!"

Lovino turned to the screen. Tears filled his eyes as he stared at his baby. This time, it wasn't from happiness. He felt like his heart was being ripped out. He let the emotions wash over him. Pain, guilt, hatred, sorrow, loss…love. Most of all love. He looked to the couple who were whispering softly in Spanish. They were so happy. They would love Luca so much. They would. Lovino didn't doubt that, but a part of him didn't see how they could ever love him more than he did. He wanted to scream, but he remained silent and watched the scene with tearful eyes.

* * *

The restaurant buzzed with life around them. Lovino watched waiters and waitresses in elegant black uniforms serving fine wines to people in fancy clothing. The lights were dimmed. Soft classical music played in the background. Lovino felt extremely underdressed. He glanced down at his clothes and slouched down in his seat. He recognized nothing on the menu. He didn't even know what kind of place this was. The last time he had been somewhere this fancy, it'd been with Antonio to his five star French restaurant.

Rosa and Philippe seemed quite comfortable here. They didn't seem to be the type who had a lot of money, but then again they did own a business. And they could afford the adoption fees and lawyers and doctor's appointments with extra ultrasounds. The discussed the menu in hushed tones. Lovino looked at the menu again. Everything made him feel sick.

A waiter approached with a flashy smile, giving Lovino a once over. Lovino wanted to shrink and disappear. He didn't like having eyes run up and down his body. He didn't like being judged and he sure as hell didn't feel comfortable in such a fancy place that was so obviously for wealthy people. The waiter pulled out a pen and note pad from what seemed to be thin air and began taking their orders. Lovino had never heard of the dishes before.

"And for you, sir?" the man smirked.

"Um, I don't know what any of this is…" Lovino felt his cheeks blaze with embarrassment.

"I see," the waiter let out a soft laugh.

"Do you have a burger and fries?" Lovino asked, rubbing his belly absently.

"We do," the man glanced at Rosa and Philippe. "But I would recommend our mango duck. It's served with a side of asparagus and quinoa salad."

"I…I don't want that. I just want a burger and fries, thank you," Lovino shifted. The thought of any of that made his stomach turn. Really anything besides pizza and burgers did these days. Feli joked it was a New York diet.

"Sir, I don't think you-"

"Just get the kid a burger and fries," Philippe snapped.

"Yes, sir. Right away. How would you like that cooked?"

Lovino blinked. There was more than one way to make a burger? He didn't know. Why was this so complicated? He opened and closed his mouth unsure before glancing at the couple across from him. Philippe stepped in.

"Do medium well," he smiled and the waiter was off.

"Sorry…" Lovino murmured. "I should know more about this stuff, shouldn't I? Being Italian and having dated a chef…" Tears pricked in his eyes.

"No, it's perfectly normal to not know. This was place is a little flashy, but the food is so good. We only come for special occasions. We like to cook more at home, but we figured since we saw our son's face, we should celebrate," Rosa smiled brightly, hugging Philippe's arm.

A pang of pain shocked Lovino. He rubbed a spot on the table and nodded, trying to smile. He took a sip of his water hoping to distract himself. He noticed art hanging on the walls and noted how much his brother would love to be here. The art styles were from all over the world. He could name the artists and pick out which ones Feliciano would gush over for hours. Feli would enjoy this place. He liked to experience flashy things. Feliciano was born in the wrong economic class. The boy wanted to live fast. He wanted art and culture. He craved to travel. Lovino knew his brother had long dreamed of being a street artist in Florence.

"You're quiet. Are you usually this way or is there something wrong?" Rosa asked softly.

"Um…no, I…I don't talk much," Lovino muttered. "I'm sorry."

"That's more than alright. No need to apologize," Rosa smiled and glanced at her husband. "Are you comfortable talking about plans and getting to know each other more? After all, you're giving us your little angel. You'll forever be in our life and be our family. I think it's only right that we do."

Lovino nodded, hugging his flannel around him. He did feel more comfortable in the clothes Feli bought him, but this place…

Rosa started the conversation discussing her life growing up in Mexico. Philippe chimed in where necessary. They both grown up in similar lives, attending to the family ranch or farm with dreams of faraway places. Rosa wanted to open a restaurant. It had always been a dream of hers. Philippe wanted to go into business. Each came from rather large families, slightly well off in comparison to the others they knew. They put their applications in for immigration, fortunate enough to pay for the expenses and hire an attorney. Many they knew were not as privileged and risked their lives. They had grown up being told that the land to the north was the only way to escape poverty. It was a land of promise. Many who made it sent money home to their families. Some were sent back. Some were thrown in jail. Other died on the way. The couple recounted to Lovino the struggles of many they'd known.

"And when the violence and evil became so rampant, you feared your child would die before they reached school age, you don't have time to wait," Philippe explained.

They'd attended a university in the Southern Bend of Texas enjoying a city that was seventy-five percent Hispanic population. It had been an ease into a new culture, a new country, a new life. Philippe graduated with an MBA and Rosa got her degree in hospitality and food service management. They moved and eventually settled in an area they felt would benefit from a good restaurant. It was really a match made in heaven.

Lovino listened attentively, sipping his water every now and again. He was rather interested. He'd never met another immigrant that hadn't come as a kid besides his parents. Their lilting accents made Lovino's heart long for Antonio. Their accent was different than Antonio's, but it warmed his heart nonetheless. He didn't dare interrupt them. If he could have them speak and awake that part of him forever, he'd die happy.

"Bonjour, my name is Mathieu. I'll be your new server. My coworker had a family emergen-" Matthew gasped interrupting the introduction when he saw Lovino. "Hi, Lovino! What are you doing here? Well dinner obviously."

Matthew began to set the plates of food down as he waited for Lovino's answer. Lovino couldn't breathe. This was Antonio's restaurant. He should have known. He had only waited at the front for Matthew or Antonio save for the one date Antonio took him on. He'd fallen asleep in the car and his mind had been working over the adoption that he'd not realized it. He slid down in the booth, wanting to disappear. He wished he could leave.

"Lovino?" Rosa prodded, glancing from Lovino to Matthew and back.

"Oh, um, sorry. I'm having dinner with some family friends. This is Rosa and Philippe. This is Matthew, my best friend," Lovino introduced. "Mattie, is Antonio working today?" Lovino had to know.

Matthew's eyebrows furrowed. He glanced back at the kitchen then turned back. His face said it all. "Yeah…" he said slowly. "But he's really busy right now and he shouldn't be coming out until Francis gets here in an hour."

"Antonio? Is that your b-" Rosa started.

"Ex. Yes, he's my ex," Lovino saved. He glanced toward Matthew. "Do you swear he won't try to talk to me? I can't see him…I don't want to see him." Lovino felt himself shaking, tears threatening.

"Lovi, he's really swamped." Matthew said gently with a soft smile and rubbed his arm. "I promise he's not going to come out until Francis gets here. He's not even really talking to anyone. It's strange, but I guess because we're busier than usual."

"Okay…" Lovino took a few deep breaths and nodded. "Okay," he repeated, turning to his food.

Matthew left, squeezing Lovino shoulder as he did so. Lovino didn't dare look up. He did the ritualistic prayer and crossed himself the way he'd been taught to do since he could remember and started to eat. He had an hour…and he was starving. The moment the food touched his taste buds he wanted to smile. He'd missed Antonio's cooking. He really could make anything taste wonderful. Lovino glanced up as he felt two pairs of eyes boring into him. Rosa and Philippe had not yet touched their food. He put his burger down slowly and shifted his eyes.

"We're really sorry," Philippe started. "We had no idea…"

"So it's a bad relationship?" Rosa asked softly.

"No, no, it's…" Lovino couldn't tell them he wasn't sure if Antonio even understood that he was actually pregnant. Sure, he'd told him, but Antonio never seemed as though it stuck. He was scared of what Antonio would do if he found out now. "I just don't think I could take seeing him. It's still too painful."

"He was your first love," Rosa said the sentence more as a statement than a question. She seemed to understand.

Lovino nodded and glanced at the kitchen. Antonio was on the other side of those doors. If he wanted to he could just go in. He missed him so much. He wanted him so badly in a way that both excited and embarrassed him. Maybe if he went in, this would all be over. He wouldn't be sitting here with his heart being ripped out knowing that his Luca was not truly his. He could do it with Antonio. He was well off. He came from a wealthy family. If he could just get his legs to move…

"You've rarely mentioned him. Would it trouble you too terribly much to tell us about our son's father?" Philippe finally was cutting into his meal.

Lovino felt as though he'd been stabbed when he referred to Luca as his son. He closed his eyes and picked up a fry. This was all too hard. It hurt so much and it would only get worse. Lovino was sure of that._ This isn't about you. This is about Luca. You're doing this for Luca_. Lovino repeated the mantra in his head a few times.

"He made me feel like I was worth something…" Lovino whispered without realizing the words had escaped his lips.

"What was that?" Rosa strained.

"Nothing. Just…It's hard for me to talk about him right now. It's all too fresh."

The couple nodded and made small talk for the rest of the meal. Lovino tried to participate as he kept one eye on the kitchen. He was barely able to focus on the plans for the days and weeks to come. He was consumed by mixed feelings of wanting to catch a glimpse of that mop of brunette curls, or the glow of his Mediterranean skin, even a flash of those emerald eyes, and hoping and praying he wouldn't. He truly wasn't sure which one would be worse. Matthew came by a few more times. Alfred stopped by to say hello. Lovino wasn't able to relax until the check had been paid and they were walking out of the restaurant.

* * *

Antonio threw his apron off and called to his staff that he was going on break. He gave a few instructions before tossing the apron on its hook and running a hand through his hair. He hoped everything would go smoothly. He was so on edge to leave the kitchen. These were skilled chefs, were they not? But still Antonio hated to leave anyone in the kitchen alone. Outside of work, he rarely allowed another person to cook. Food was art. It was an outlet. Food was the only thing that made sense to him.

He tried to calm his nerve, failing, as he made his way to the front of the restaurant. He smiled when he saw Francis sitting in the chair of the entry way, his blonde locks cascading around his face and shoulders. He admired him for a few months, before the smile fell slowly off his face and another emotion filled him to the brim.

Francis had sent three messages since he'd had him in his vision. He kept laughing and smirking as he texted back almost fervently, checking every few seconds for a reply. Who was he texting? Why was he texting them like this? Antonio wracked his brain for some reason, some explanation. He was acting like a lovesick teenager, but the only one he should be acting that way to was watching him. Antonio's stomach knotted. He felt his jaw clenching, blood pressure rising. How dare Francis do this to him! Antonio trembled. He was trying so hard. He was so tired. He just needed a break. He needed Francis to be the sunshine in his day the way Lovino had. He needed sun to prick the storm that was brewing within him. He was terrified. He was powerless to stop it. Soon the storm would hit if he didn't have light.

"Hey." Antonio put on a fake smile as he walked toward his boyfriend. He'd gotten so good at faking a smile, at pretending to be okay. He was rather proud of himself.

"Oh, salut, Toni!" Francis smiled. He stood up and pulled Antonio into one of those sensual kisses. "How are you, mi amour?"

"Fine. How are you?" Antonio winked as he took Francis' hand and led him to the booth at the back of the restaurant.

"I'm doing well. It's been so relaxing to be off this week," Francis smiled.

He picked up his phone that buzzed on the table. Antonio watched. Francis' eyes sparkled the like Mediterranean Sea where they first met as he stared at the phone. Antonio set his jaw and clenched his fists as the knot in his stomach only grew. Francis chuckled softly and typed out a reply before silencing the phone completely and putting it in his pocket. He looked back at Antonio, his eyes still sparkling and a smile still on his lips. He propped his chin in his hands and glanced around the restaurant.

"I always feel a little closer to home when I'm in here," Francis noted.

"Yeah…" Antonio breathed. "Where have you been, Francis?"

"Huh?" Francis' face lost all hints of the joy they'd just had to confusion.

"You said you've been off all week. Where have you been?" Antonio played absently with a single thread that had come unraveled from the table cloth.

"At home?" Francis said slowly. "And occasionally out with Matthew or Gilbert or Emma. You've been at work all week."

"Yeah, but you're always leaving. Every night this week you've sprinted out the door come ten o'clock at night," Antonio lifted his gaze now.

"Antonio, it's spring break. I'm a teacher. I don't work at the school during the day, but I am still a bartender and I've been picking up extra hours this week because you know I need the money and they don't play me well when I'm actually at work, nevermind when it's a holiday," Francis smiled as though he found it amusing. It made Toni's blood boil.

"So were you texting Gilbert just now, or…?"

"No," Francis chuckled and glanced toward the wait staff. "No, I met this guy at the bar a few weeks ago. He's a writer from England and he is so fun to me-"

"How the fuck did he get your number?" Antonio all be growled.

"Oh Toni, that is a hilarious story!" Francis' eyes shone as he went on oblivious to the situation. "The poor guy comes in, doesn't say a word, right? Just demands warm beer. I oblige him of course. He looks rather haggard. You can see it in his face that he's just so upset. He needed something to take the edge off. And all night he's demanding another until I decide he was drunk and I'm going to cut him off. But the guy tries to reach across the bar and pour himself a drink! So naturally I couldn't have that. I gave him another drink and we exchanged words. He's a writer, you see."

Antonio couldn't take it anymore. He hit the table. "Francis, I didn't ask you for a story. How did he get your number?"

Francis' brow furrowed and she shook his head, the smirk appearing again. "He's new to the country. He doesn't know anyone and he's drunk, so I don't want him passed out or hurt or lost or something. I pulled out a sharpie and took his arm and wrote 'If Lost Call Francis Bonnefoy' on his arm along with my number. The next morning he was rather peeved that I did so and he called me to yell at me, but Toni, he's really amusing. Truly."

"Why are you giving random strangers you phone number?" Antonio glared.

"Excuse me? I can give my phone number to anyone I please. It's my number. It's not hurting anyone. I can talk to anyone I want," Francis snapped finally fully present in the situation.

"No, you can't. Because you're my boyfriend and you can't just go around giving your number out and flirting!"

"I'm hardly flirting!"

"Give me your phone."

"What?"

"Give. Me. Your. Phone." Antonio held his hand out.

"No!" Francis sat back, returning the glare.

"If you have nothing to hide you wouldn't care."

"No! I'm not giving you my phone because you have no right to ask for it! You are violating trust. You don't trust me and it's insulting!" Francis defended.

"You're a whore!" Antonio let out a choked laugh.

"Pot, meet kettle," Francis narrowed his eyes.

The argument went on for a few more moments before Francis practically threw his phone at Antonio. "Go ahead and look if it makes you stop acting like a crazy, jealous asshole! See for yourself! I cannot believe you! Why are you acting like this? It's disgusting behavior and I have a mind to break up with you right now!"

Antonio wasn't paying attention to his words. He was too busy reading the text messages with the man Francis had saved in his phone as Angleterre. The conversations were seemingly innocent. It was more bickering between the two. It _was_ amusing. Knowing Francis, he had a deal of fun with this overly sensitive Englishman. Francis was the only person in the country that this man had talked outside of his work. It was not wonder they were going back and forth at this rate.

He was so embarrassed. Antonio slid the phone back to Francis as tears slipped down his cheeks. He could he ever think Francis would cheat on him? Of course why would Francis even mention who it was to him if he had been? Antonio had been irrational, something he found himself doing more and more these days. No wonder Lovino had left him.

"Franny, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I'm such an idiot. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry." Antonio rambled the apology unable to be satisfied with it. It sounded so petty, so senseless.

Francis was sitting next to him now, holding him, whispering words of comfort in his ear. "You're over worked. You need to sleep. This isn't like you, Antonio…"

The words made sense. This wasn't like him. But when was the last time Antonio had felt like himself? He couldn't remember. Had he ever felt okay? He hated how he felt these days, how he reacted. He wanted to scream. It was so unnerving, so terrifiying, so…Antonio took Francis and kissed him. He needed him to know how much he cared. He couldn't lose him. No, that wasn't going to work. He pulled Francis closer. Francis pulled away. Antonio kissed down his neck, suckling softly. Francis pushing at him all the while.

"Antonio, stop, this is hardly the place for this. Save it for later," Francis muttered, pushing Antonio back.

"Come on, Francis, I just want to apologize! I love you so much," Antonio smiled before going back to the man's neck.

"Toni, people are staring! I'm a teacher, stop," Francis pushed him back again, his eyes nervously scanning the restaurant.

"You know you love this," Antonio giggled.

"Toni, I'm serious. Stop."

A bang on the table snapped Antonio back to reality. He looked up to find Matthew glaring down at him. Kind, sweet, never upset Matthew. Antonio rolled his eyes. Hadn't he been this way since he and Lovino broke up? He hadn't done anything wrong to Lovino. No, Lovino had been the one to break his heart, to leave him stranded. Not the other way around and quite frankly, Matthew's uncharacteristically cold nature to him was starting to piss him off.

"He. Said. No." Matthew hissed. "What would you like to drink?" He directed the question to Francis politely with a smile. "And you?" Matthew glared at Antonio.

"Just water…" Antonio mumbled.

"And to eat?" Matthew asked Francis with a warm smile. He wrote it down and assured them he'd bring the drinks in a moment.

"Wait!" Antonio snapped. Matthew turned to face him. "You didn't get my food order."

"Oh, you're hungry? Could have fooled me. You just seemed thirsty. What will it be?"

Francis stifled a laugh in Antonio's shoulder. Antonio stared at Matthew. For a quiet, nice guy, his sass level was off the charts. Antonio muttered his order and hugged himself for a moment before glancing at Francis.

"Someone ordered a burger and fries earlier today," Antonio announced.

Francis sat up, a horrified look on his face. "But this is a French restaurant! Why would you…?"

"I don't know! Nobody orders from that section of the menu," Antonio was smiling at Francis' reaction.

"You shouldn't even have that portion of the menu! If they wanted a burger or chicken strips, they can go somewhere else," Francis shook his head.

"The waiter said the person was pregnant when we read the order. I laughed to myself about it. The rest of the kitchen staff had your reaction. And then there was Alfred, who I thought had done it, but he said he wasn't on break yet. He had no idea why we were shocked."

"Figures. That boy doesn't know fine dining despite working here. You'd think with the training they are given, he'd be a little more cultured," Francis rolled his eyes.

Antonio hugged Francis and laid his head on his shoulder. Matthew came back with their drinks, throwing Antonio another glare. It was the final straw. He didn't have the patience for this today. "What is your problem?"

"My problem?" Matthew repeated.

"Si. You've been being kind of a puta to me and I want to know why," Antonio stared at him.

"Toni, not now…" Francis muttered.

"No, I want to know. What is your deal?"

"I have a problem with what you did to Lovino. I have a problem with the state you put him in. You used him. I overlooked you getting him drunk to have sex with him because Lovino told me he was okay with it and it wasn't my business once Lovino told me it was fine. But you used him. He thought you loved him and he…do you know what you have made him go through? Do you? And the night he left, you went out and slept with someone you knew for five minutes. And that behavior never stopped. It's the reason that Emma moved out and doesn't feel comfortable. Now you're using Francis and it makes me so angry. Stop using people!" Matthew's assertion was muted by his soft, quiet demeanor, but the words raged in Antonio's head.

"I used him? Me? No, Matthew, no. He broke up with me. He broke my heart. You don't know what you're talking about. He didn't even say bye. You want to know who used him? You. You sold your best friend's virginity for a girl."

Matthew looked like he'd been slapped. He stood there, his breath shallow. Antonio smirked at him, ignoring Francis' comments. Matthew bit his lip, shaking head in disbelief before turning on his heel toward the kitchen. Antonio laughed softly as he walked away. Francis had moved to the opposite side of the table now, visibly upset. Antonio didn't care. He had finally said his piece.

* * *

Matthew stormed into the kitchen, fuming. His mind replayed the words exchanged with Antonio just moments ago. He couldn't stop it if he wanted to, and the more they ran through is head, the angrier he became. He ripped cups off the stack and all but slammed them on the counter. A gasp to his right caused him to glance over and see his surprised younger brother. He forced a smile knowing Alfred didn't respond well to people being angry. Alfred leaned against the counter, abandoning the drinks he was preparing for his own customers. Matthew mentally scolded himself for letting his anger show. Alfred had picked up on it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alfred nudged him.

"Huh?" Matthew jerked his head toward him, pretending that he didn't know what was going on. "No, I mean, I don't know. I just..no." Matthew shook his head and took a few breaths. He had to make Alfred think everything was okay. He tried to make his familiar smile dance on his lips. He opened his mouth and couldn't keep it in any longer. "I just…I hate the way he talks about Lovino. He says I sold Lovino's virginity to him for Emma. I didn't. I swear, Alfie. I just wanted to talk to Emma and he got weird and said he wanted to meet Lovino. It was the deal, but I never meant for any of this to happen."

Matthew didn't even know if he was sure those words were true. Of course he never meant for Lovino to get hurt, but was he really clueless about Antonio wanting to sleep with Lovino? The thought really never crossed Matthew's mind. He'd always figured Lovino wouldn't do anything he didn't want to. He felt his shoulders weighing down. Perhaps Antonio was right. Maybe this was his fault.

"So Mattie-"

"I just want to do something to get back at him," Matthew huffed. "But I need this job. You can't really piss off the owner and expect to keep your job."

"You could ask Mom and Dad for money while you look for another job," Alfred suggested filling up a cup.

"I'm twenty-four. I'm too old for that. Plus Antonio is very flexible with school and he pays well. You know that," Matthew glanced at Alfred. "I'm proposing to Emma."

"No way!" Alfred stared at his brother in awe. Matthew nodded and picked up the tray.

"Anyway, I guess I'll just have deal with it for now. Lovino understands."

Matthew sighed and picked up his tray to take out. He approached the table Antonio and Francis were sitting and began to set the food down without a word. Before he realized what had happened, his tray had flown from his hand sending food on the Spaniard. Somehow liquid covered him as well. Matthew's eyes were wide. His hand clasped over his mouth as he backed away practically falling over himself apologizing.

"Oops, sorry dude. I tripped," Alfred didn't even try to sound convincing. Matthew suddenly registered what had happened. He stood frozen as he watched the scene unfold.

Antonio stared at him, a mixture of rage and pain etched on his face. Antonio slowly stood up. Alfred swallowed and backed up. Matthew had never seen this look on Antonio's usually cheerful face. He looked as though he was out for blood. The man was shaking as he brushed his meal off the front of his white chef uniform. He took a few steps toward Alfred. The younger man glared back at him, daring him.

"Get. OUT!" Antonio shouted. "You are fired! And you're fired too!"

Matthew felt his heart sink at Antonio's words. He felt as though he were drowning. What would he do? How could he afford rent? Or food? Gas? He was certain he'd never find a job that paid nearly as good as this one. Fired. The words rang through his head.

"He didn't know I was gonna do that. You can't fire him!" Alfred glared. "He didn't do anything. You wanna fire me, cool. That was for Lovino by the way. Fuck you, dude."

Alfred threw his apron in Antonio's face and stormed off. Matthew stared at Toni. He was no longer angry. His eyes were brimming with tears. He looked at Matthew and shook his head. Francis stood up and put his arm around Antonio.

"I'm sorry," Antonio whispered before walking out, Francis at his heels.

Matthew started to clean up the mess, his cheeks burning from the scene. His heart raced and tears pricked in his eyes. People were staring, talking. He was a human being. He could hear them. He felt a hand on his shoulder and a coworker told him to go home. Matthew nodded and thanked them quietly before grabbing his things and clocking out for what was probably the last time. As he walked out the entrance, he was overcome. He'd never thought about his job before, but he as he walked into the cool air, he realized he loved it. He'd worked there two years before he even found out Antonio was his boss and another year before he found out the man owned the place. He'd had such a close friendship with him and the others he worked with. He had never dreaded going in. He looked forward to seeing friends having never been one to make friends well on his own. Rarely did anyone want to approach the quiet guy who never spoke to anyone. He was used to speaking and not a soul hearing him, but at this restaurant that had changed. All with a kind hearted Spanish chef who would smile politely and ask him to go on. Occasionally resting his chin in his hand. Antonio had never acted as though he was just being polite. He was genuinely interested in what Matthew had to say. He'd even scold people for being rude when they spoke over Matthew. Slowly people listened to him and were happy to see him. His stomach knotted at the thought of going back to being ignored.

Mist fogged his glasses. He wiped them and noticed Alfred standing a few yards ahead, his hands in his pockets as he stared up at the sky. Matthew brushed away his tears and walked toward him. Alfred began to walk causing Matthew to jog to catch up with him. Alfred must have heard his footsteps because he turned and stopped, flashing that grin that made him so popular.

"Hey," Matthew breathed and hugged his brother.

"I did it," Alfred said quietly. His smile faded, "I'm sorry I got you fired."

"No, he deserved it. I can't believe you actually did it," Matthew smiled and kept an arm around his brother. Alfred tugged on his sleeve nervously and let out a laugh.

"So what are you gonna do?" Alfred turned to him.

"I'll figure it out," Matthew smiled. "What about you? Mom and Dad are not going to be happy that you got fired. They want us to be independent, you know."

"Yeah…" Alfred rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Don't stress out too much," Matthew smiled. "You defended Lovino. God, he used to hate you. Remember?"

"Lovino never hated me," Alfred frowned. "He just didn't get me. That's okay."

The brothers walked in silence for a few blocks. It was times like these that Matthew truly appreciated his brother. He annoyed him so much of the time, but he wasn't sure where he'd be without the rambunctious kid who was the most optimistic person Matthew had ever known. He kept him sane all these years.

"Hey Mattie?" Alfred said slowly, stopping. He didn't look at him, but instead stared over the bridge into the water below.

"Yeah?"

"Do…Do you think Lovino's okay?" Alfred looked at him now. There was a look in his blue eyes Matthew had never noticed before.

"Yeah, I mean he has us and his brother. It's just hard, you know? With Feliciano being sick and his dad not speaking to him. He'll get through it. He has us. We just have to be there for him," Matthew sat on the rail of the bridge when he realized his brother wasn't moving.

"He's pregnant. I know you probably think I'm stupid, but Matthew, I know. I know it's true. I heard Antonio talking about it to his friends. He's pregnant and I don't know how, but he is." Matthew stared at his brother, his jaw hanging slightly. "Mattie, I have something to tell ya, but I have to know Lovino will be okay."

"Y-Yeah," Matthew swallowed. "I'm always there for him. That's what best friends do."

Alfred nodded fidgeting. He started pacing, refusing to look at Matthew. The older brother felt a sense of unease in the air. He slid off the rail and took his brother by the shoulders.

"It will be okay," Matthew said. "You're scaring me though. What's wrong?"

"You know that girl I'm seeing? Natalia?" Matthew nodded. "She comes from a military family. She said that's all she knows. I wanted to impress her, ya know? I've never known what to do with my life. Coaching seems fun and all, but I don't think it's gonna help people. So…" Alfred kicked at the pavement.

"Alfred?" Matthew's pulse quickened.

"Mattie, I joined the Marines. I'm dropping outta school. I gotta do this. I gotta show Natalia I'm brave and I gotta be the type of person who helps people. You know that."

"Alfred…" Matthew couldn't breathe.

"So I have to make sure that Lovino will be okay with just because the dude's seriously worrying me and it's not like I can't really plan my life anymore. They have the next fours of my life and-"

Matthew shoved him suddenly, tears filling his eyes once again. He shook as he stared at his baby brother. His baby brother, who filled his darkest times with laughter, was going to die. That's what they did. They shipped kids over there to die. Matthew shook his head.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Matthew whispered. "Who the fuck goes to war to impress a girl? You are the dumbest person, I swear to god. And what about Mom and Dad? Did you tell them? You know Mom is going to lose it. She already lost one person she loved to that. You wanna make it two? Fuck you, Alfred. Fuck you."

Matthew stormed away. He was shaking. Alfred was too innocent for that world. He was too trusting, too loyal. No. No. He couldn't deal with this. He couldn't process the words coming out of Alfred's mouth as he kept up with Matthew's pace. He didn't want to hear it. There wasn't an excuse. For the first time in months, he no longer was thinking of Lovino. Losing his job didn't matter. Nothing mattered except the fact that his brother had just signed his death sentence and acted as if were a heroic gesture.

* * *

Francis unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped aside to allow Antonio in. It killed him to see Antonio so upset. He pulled him close and held his face in his hands, studying it. Antonio's eyes were greener than usual with the redness of his eyes. He rubbed away a tear with his thumb and smiled at him.

"I'll get your clothes dirty," Antonio whispered, though he did not make an attempt to step away.

"I'm not worried about my clothes," Francis brushed his lips against Antonio's. "Now go, you need to shower. It will make you feel better. I'll get us some wine and whip up some dinner."

Francis' phone buzzed as Antonio walked toward the bathroom. Francis pulled it from his pocket, his heart leaping when he saw Arthur's number on the screen. A smile spread over his lips as he read the message. Antonio was speaking now, but his words feel on Francis' deaf ears. All he could think of right now was that posh Brit who he could listen to rant until the end of time. There was something intriguing, and yet-"

"Francis?" Antonio's words brought the Frenchman back into the present.

"Oui, mon cher?" Francis smiled, biting his cheek.

"I…I was just saying something, it's dumb. I…" Antonio fell against the wall, tears falling once more.

"Nothing you have to say is dumb," Francis pressed his lips against Antonio's.

"I just feel like something's wrong. I don't know what it is, but there is something wrong. I can't, I can't control my emotions and my head is racing constantly and I cannot for the life of me focus. Dios mio, Francis, I am so tired. I can't do this. I keep losing my temper. I never lose my temper! You know me. And it's almost constant."

Francis only half heard him. His mind was on a certain writer with sharp green eyes and a smirk to match his sarcasm. He closed his eyes and tried hard to focus on what Antonio was saying. No, this wasn't happening. Why was he constantly thinking about him? No, Antonio was upset. Antonio. His boyfriend. His best friend.

"Do you know how to help me?" Antonio asked.

Francis stared at him, his heart pounding. He couldn't very well ask him to repeat himself. Instead he kissed a tear from Toni's cheek. "Go shower. Get into some clean clothes. Then we'll eat and have some wine. You'll feel better, non?"

"Yeah…yeah, okay."

Francis watched Antonio walk to the bathroom and shut the door. He smiled at his phone upon seeing Arthur's reply. Francis set his phone down softly and prepared a quick lunch. What was going on? He finished up and walked to the bedroom to change his clothes. He sat down on the bed as his mind raced. Maybe Toni had been right. Perhaps he saw something Francis was only just realizing. He hugged himself and shut his eyes. He couldn't do this to Antonio. No. He hated this kind of thing.

Antonio came into the bedroom, silently, tears still streaming down his face. He pulled on a shirt and underwear all without Francis registering. Antonio glanced to the door, back to Francis. Francis heard his phone buzz and stood up. He took Antonio hand and led him to the kitchen. They ate quietly, the silence only broken by Antonio's sniffles and occasionally speaking. Francis didn't hear a word. He hated himself.

"Franny?" Antonio touched his arm. Francis turned to him. "Can…Can you hold me? Por favor? I'm just so sad."

"Of course," Francis took Antonio's hand and led him to the bedroom.

Antonio laid his head on Francis' chest and closed his eyes, his arms snaked around Francis' small waist. Francis ran his fingers through Antonio's hair and a hand over his back. He had to do this. He kissed Antonio's head and took a few deep breaths.

"What's wrong?" Antonio murmured.

"Antonio, I love you. I do." Francis closed his eyes. "But I realize…I realize you weren't wrong."

"What do you mean?" Antonio glanced up.

"You weren't wrong today. I…I thought you starting fights over Arthur were immature, but…Antonio, I think we should break up. I don't want to hurt you. You're my best friend. I realize that I do…have…um…feelings for Arthur."

Antonio stared up at him, his eyes dead. Francis almost gasped. Toni nodded, his eyes suddenly flashed with life. Francis took a deep breath. He'd imagined it. Toni laid his head back down on Francis' chest. Francis held his breath waiting for something.

"I know," Antonio whispered. "It's okay. Matthew…Matthew was right. I don't treat you well. But I do love you. You're my best friend. I haven't been completely truthful. I am in love with Lovino."

"I know," Francis said softly. Toni's body was suddenly wracked with sobs. "Shhh, it's okay."

"Don't let go, Franny. Please."

"Never," Francis breathed and kissed Toni's head once more. "Never."

* * *

_**Well there you have it. I really hope the last to POV's don't seem too out of place. They're important for later. **_

_**Anyway, please review. 3**_


	22. Chapter 22

_**OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY! **_

**_This chapter was really hard to write. I knew what I wanted to say, but not how to say it. I promise the next chapter won't take this long to update. I feel like this may seem sort of rushed. I just got frustrated with it, so it's not my best work. I apologize. I do hope you enjoy it. Things are about to get good._**

* * *

**33 Weeks**

Lovino hovered near the cribs. For the past few months his head had danced with thoughts of the perfect nursery. He hadn't ever thought it was a possibility. He knew he lacked the financial means, but one could dream. Dark furniture had always been his favorite, just like his mother's. Lovino was never really sure whether they both just happened to like dark furniture or if he liked it because his mother did. As he lingered near a sleigh crib, his heart pulled longing for his mother.

Lovino closed his eyes and imagined her face. He felt the need to remember her every day. His biggest fear was forgetting her like Feliciano had. She deserved to be remembered. She smiled at him. It was a few days before she died. He'd finished reading a book to her. It had been in Italian. His tongue struggled over the words that usually fell from his mouth with ease as his eyes processed the letters that he'd only learned to comprehend in English. His mother had decided to teach him to read in Italian while he learned reading in English. She didn't want to him to lose that identity. He had closed the book with an accomplished grin revealing two missing teeth. He had always felt so proud of himself when he'd mastered a task back then. His mother, unlike his father, always praised him and Feliciano on everything with her whole heart. Roma's praise had always made Lovino feel that he had to achieve more. His mind played the memory further. A warm smile. A hug.

"Do you like this one?"

Rosa's words ripped Annalisa away from Lovino's mind. He jumped as the familiar ache filled him. He'd always just want one more moment with her, but it would never come. He wondered more than ever these days what she'd say to him. Things would be different, he was sure of that.

"Oh…I…" Lovino closed his mouth and hugged himself, shifting his eyes back to the crib. He licked his lips, taking a moment. He couldn't influence this. Luca was their child now after. "No, no, I was just looking."

Rosa studied him for a moment before turning to call to Philippe. He glanced up and walked over, a small smile on his face. She motioned toward the sleigh crib that Lovino had been longing for just moments before. Lovino winced softly as he shifted from the discomfort. Luca seemed to twist with his movement. The couple seemed not to have noticed. Rosa had wrapped her arm around her husband's back and was speaking softly in Spanish. Philippe nodded in agreement saying something to the effect of the crib being perfect.

"So it's settled. We're going to get this crib," Rosa announced, beaming at Lovino. "You really do have good taste in furniture. What else do you think would look nice?"

It seemed to be too good to be true. Lovino spent the next few hours helping with picking out furniture for Luca's nursery and discussing what would be the perfect nursery for Luca. Despite having felt extremely uncomfortable at the start, Lovino soon felt completely at ease. He felt more like these two were his own parents helping him shop for the arrival of his first child. They picked out a mobile to put on the crib with tigers, lions, elephants and zebras. Sheets, blankets, clothes before heading to the couple's home. Everything seemed to be coming together.

Lovino studied the home his son would grow up in. A large dark brick house two story home with trees lining each side of the home. Tall columns connected the front porch to the roof of the house. Wooden shudders sat on either side of each window of the home. A small garden complete with roses and other assorted vegetation sat to the side of the entry. A smile spread over his face. It was nicer than he'd ever dreamed. He hugged the bags of clothes, the only thing he was allowed to carry in his condition, and made his way up the walkway.

Rosa unlocked the door and allowed him in. A stairway greeted him and to the right down the entryway was a welcoming living room with black leather furniture. Pictures hung along the walls. Some were of family, others were paintings. A large fireplace appeared to be the centerpiece of the room. A television was mounted above it on the wall. Rosa offered a quick tour before going to help her husband. The kitchen was large and open with dark granite countertops and dark stained cabinets. Dark grey ceramic tile lined the floor. Lovino could already picture dinners being prepared. Luca would love it, that much he was sure of. A small dinner table sat in the dining room with a small chandelier above it. There was a laundry room to the side of the kitchen connected to a large pantry. She showed him the back door which led to a spacious backyard. She declared their plans of getting a playscape for Luca soon.

Upstairs were three bedrooms. The master bedroom was on the opposite side of the all from the other two bedroom. The second floor was set up like a loft where one was able to look down into the first floor from the balcony of the second floor hallways. A large open room was presented as the office and future playroom. He was led to the two bedroom. One had a dresser and full size bed with a small bathroom connected complete with a shower. He was told this would be his room. The bedroom next to it was going to be Luca's. It was mostly empty.

Lovino began to set out the clothes while Rosa announced she was going to help Philippe bring thing in. Lovino's heart raced. This would be his home. This was where his son would grow up. It was far more than he'd hoped for his child. Luca would have such an amazing life here. He wouldn't ever worry or be constantly sick with various illnesses. It would be an amazing environment to grow up in. All his needs would be met. For a brief moment Lovino didn't feel the pain of Luca being someone else's after he was born.

Philippe put the furniture together and in place while Lovino put everything in order. Rosa was downstairs cooking. Lovino had a chance to talk to Philippe. It was so nice and peaceful. The nursery looked wonderful. He couldn't wait to show it to Luca. He leaned back against the wall studying it as he rubbed his belly absently. It was something out of a dream.

Dinner was soon ready. Lovino followed Philippe to the kitchen, his belly growling. The spices in the air caused his mouth to water. They sat down and Rosa served Lovino a plate of enchiladas with rice and beans. He stared at it, skeptical. He had never tried it before. Part of him was nauseated at the idea, while another part of him wanted to try it. Rosa sat down and the couple began to eat. Lovino slowly tried a bite and was amazed at the flavor. It was so good. He gave his compliments to Rosa and thanked her and Philippe for everything. He couldn't believe this was going to be his life. The conversations filled him with hope. He felt part of the family already.

Lovino excused himself, sleeping coming over him after the hearty meal. He was told he could sleep in the room that would be his. They had the bed prepared already. Lovino stepped into the room and switched on the light. He couldn't get over how big it was. It was half the size of his childhood home and it was one room. He kicked of his shoes and tossed his pants aside. He couldn't sleep with them on. They were hot and uncomfortable. He pulled the chain to the light and crawled under the covers as the fan spun softly. Luca started moving just as he got settled in.

"Hey, Papa's tired, bambino. You have to let me sleep." A sharp kick to the pelvis answered him. Lovino winced and rubbed his belly. "Do you like it here? They're so nice. Your mommy and daddy love you so much." The words made him choke. He couldn't. No. No. No. "You'll be happy here. You wouldn't like it growing up with me. I don't want you hungry, Luca. I love you so much. Please forgive me." Lovino brushed away a tear, closing his eyes. He waited for Luca to thrash around as he normally did when Lovino slept, but only felt soft movements. Lovino laughed softly, wiping the tears off his face before drifting to sleep.

* * *

Lovino chewed his lip as he stared at the house in front of him. Feliciano was expecting him, but his mind could on think of what would happen if he was faced with his father. Feliciano swore he wouldn't be home until late, but Lovino could never be too sure. His brother knew as well as him that their father's schedule was unpredictable unless there was an ongoing project. Today it was up in the air. The weather could turn. Thunderstorms had a habit of coming with tornado warnings this time of year. He swallowed and glanced at the outfit he'd chosen to take Luca home in from the clothes that he'd bought with Rosa and Philippe: A baby blue onesie with white pin stripes complete with white socks and beanie. Just imagining what Luca would look like in it made his heart skip a beat. No, he had to go in and show his brother.

Lovino gathered his things and pulled himself from the vehicle. He heard laughing from across the street. He tensed and closed his eyes, not daring to turn around. Some things never changed. He could hear them yelling slurs and making comments about the rumors being true. He hugged the bag with Luca's things in it tightly to his chest and clenched his eyes shut to stop the tears. It was never going to get easier. He concluded that some time ago. Those stories about it getting better, they had to be lies or else they were lucky...or maybe he was just unlucky. He hurried his pace to the front door and fumbled with the keys as he prayed silently the people taunting him wouldn't get closer. Getting jumped had always been horrible, but the thought of them doing it now and possibly harming Luca...

He managed to get the door open and with a sigh of relief and hurried in. He slammed the door and locked it before leaning against it, eyes still closed, bag clutched to his chest. Feliciano's voice pulled him out the nightmare playing through his head.

"Lovi!" Arms squeezed him tightly and kisses touched his cheeks. Lovino smiled and hugged his brother back.

"Ciao..."

"And how is my little nephew?" Feli rocked back on his heels. Lovino could all but hear him having a need to touch his protruding belly. It was so strange to have his little brother actually respecting a boundary.

"Luca's doing okay," Lovino couldn't look Feli in the eyes.

"That's great news!" Feli giggled. "Can I say hi to him?"

"I don't give a fuck what you do..." Lovino muttered. "Just let me sit down. My back really hurts..."

"Okay!" Feli beamed at Lovino.

Lovino sat on the couch and sighed. Feli sat next to him and laid across him. Lovino rolled his eyes and nudged Feli back just a bit so he could breathe. Feli chattered away to Lovino's belly, occasionally laughing, or coughing. Feliciano was trying to hide that he was having to take breaks to catch his breath, claiming it was him listening to Luca. Lovino didn't call him out on it. He didn't see the point. He wasn't even sure if Rosa and Philippe would be okay with Feliciano being a part of Luca's life. He figured he should probably ask, but he feared he'd already had them bend over so much to begin with. Luca answered one of Feli's pokes with a sharp kick in Lovino's bladder.

"Fuck, Feli!" Lovino snapped, wincing at the pain.

"I'm sorry!" Feliciano shrank back and was hugging his knees to his chest now.

"It's not your fault. Just…don't make him angry."

"I didn't know babies could be angry," Feli giggled. "Can you imagine an angry baby? It's so funny."

"They just cry…a lot," Lovino sighed. "You cried constantly."

Feli giggled softly and sat up. He glanced around the house and looked back at Lovino. He announced that they should probably make the food and do all the things they'd had planned. Lovino nodded. He was probably right. Lovino hoisted himself up and followed Feliciano to the kitchen. His brother pawed through the bags looking at the snacks Lovino had brought over. He'd promised a fun night like the ones they'd had when Lovino was in college. Feli would come over and would be beside himself with excitement. Lovino missed those days. He missed Matthew and Alfred. He pushed the thought from his head determined to give his little brother an amazing night.

The brothers laughed and talked as they mixed up the cookie dough. Feli, in perfect fashion, had gotten flour all over himself. He somehow had egg in his hair. Lovino shook his head, a smile dancing on his face. He put chips into a bowl and mixed up the dip. Once the snacks were ready, they piled everything on the floor in the living room. Lovino opened up his laptop and pulled up the movies he'd saved for the night. Lovino sat on the couch, a small plate balanced on his belly. Feli sat on the floor munching on the food as they watched the movie. He'd occasionally hand his brother more food.

Lovino hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep until he was woken up by Feliciano poking him in the cheek. He swatted his brother away and pulled himself up apologizing. Feli shrugged and sat down on the arm of the couch. Lovino rubbed his eyes, wincing at the pain in his lower back that only seemed to get worse as time went one. Feli played with something absently in his hand.

"What's that?" Lovino asked, his voice groggy from sleep.

"You tell me," Feliciano grinned holding up Luca's outfit. Lovino snatched it away and held it close. He blinked back tears that he had no idea where they came from.

"You went through my stuff?" Lovino whispered.

"Well I mean…I didn't mean to. It kind of spilled out of the bag. I mean I had to look at it to put in back in the bag, right? But it's so cute! Is it for Luca?" Feli slid down onto the couch, letting out a nervous laugh.

"You really need to stop going through other people's things, Feliciano…"

Lovino played with the fabric, not looking up at Feliciano. Luca was kicking inside him. He could feel small drops of milk leaking from him and for the first time wasn't disturbed by that. Most people didn't have this until a few days after their child was born. He'd have so much for Luca. He heard his brother talking, but the words didn't process. Tears pricked in his eyes. Luca would wear this home. When Luca wore this outfit, he'd no longer be Lovino's baby. He took a few shallow breaths and pulled his knees to him as his body was wracked with sobs.

"Lovi!" Feli was hugging him now. "Lovino, it's okay. I'm sorry I went through your stuff. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. I'm sure Luca will look cute in it. I can't wait to meet my nephew. Aren't you excited to meet your baby?"

Lovino cried harder. He wanted Luca. He wanted him. Why had he ever agree to this? He couldn't give him up. He couldn't. It would hurt too much. Everything hurt too much. He loved Luca more than words could describe. He felt connected to him. They _were_ physically connected. He glanced up at Feliciano.

"I don't know if you can meet him. And he's not mine."

Feliciano stopped and blinked. He fell back on his heels and stared, his mouth hanging open as he did so. Lovino sniffed and wiped his eyes angrily. This wasn't right. He was being selfish. This was best for Luca. His son's needs came before his own. He was doing the right thing. He needed to pull himself together. He couldn't let these feelings get in the way.

"What…Lovino, what do you mean?" Feli asked slowly.

"He's getting adopted, Feliciano," Lovino said firmly.

"Adopted?" Feliciano stood up. "NO!"

"Feli, calm down!" Lovino snapped.

"You can't be serious! Lovino, you have gone through too damn much to do that. You are a mess. You have carried him for this entire time. You've bonded with him. You love him more than anything. He's changed you for the better. You're kinder and more patient. You smile more even if you are sad a lot. You've dropped out of college for him. You're pushed away everything you've ever wanted for him. How can you possibly do this?" The boy's face was red and scrunched in anger and frustration.

"Feli, it's what's best for him. I can't give him everything he deserves."

"Oh fuck that! You're his mother. Don't you sass me about that because that's the fucking definition of the word. You grow him in your uterus and you push him out and you nurse him and take care of him. It's a word. Lovino, our parents kept us. They loved us. You've always been content and happy. Was it not enough?" Feliciano glared at him.

"It was, but Feli, I want him to have more. I don't want him to know what it's like to go to bed hungry. I don't want him to have to be too hot to do anything. He doesn't deserve to have to lay in front of a fire to stay warm. He deserves to live somewhere that you can't see through the walls and feel the cold and have rain get inside. Our house literally shakes when it storms. I don't want him having that. I want him to have more. I don't want him to ever not have his needs met. I love him, Feliciano. And this is what's best for him."

"What about you?" Feli was shaking. "What about you, Lovino?"

"The couple who's adopting him are very sweet. They said I could stay with them. They have a room for me because I want to breastfeed him. And they have a nursery all fixed up and they let me pick everything out. They're letting me name him. It will be so I can go to school and finish up my degrees and live my life. I think maybe after a while, I can take care of him. I'll have enough money."

"Lovino…you'll never get him back. Have you thought about this? He won't go to you for comfort. He'll go to his parents. You'll have to leave eventually. Do you really think you can do that? Do you think you can watch him grow up from afar?" Feli's voice was soft now. His arms were crossed over his chest.

"They said I'll be involved. He'll know who I am. He'll love me," Lovino stammered out. "Because I gave him to people who wanted a child desperately who could actually provide for him."

"Or he'll hate you. What if they change their minds and throw you out? There's nothing that says they have to let you live with them. Lovino, have you really thought about this?" Feli sat down and stared at Lovino.

"Yes…It's all I think about. And I picked this out. This was the only outfit I got him. I paid for this, Feli." He held up the outfit. "He got more clothes, but this what I bought him and it's what's he's going to wear when he comes home from the hospital. I'll hold him and he'll be so snug. It's soft. It's really cute, don't you think?" Lovino wiped his eyes. "It's all I could afford to get him. I'll keep it for as long as I live. If Luca moves a thousand miles away, I'll have this. It's all I'll have."

Feliciano stared at his feet. Lovino swallowed and looked away. The room was filled with the thick silence between them. Neither dared to speak for a long time. Feli stood up and walked in front of Lovino.

"And what about me? Will I get to know him?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"I…I don't know. I hope so," Lovino said softly.

"Lovino." Feli was silent for a while. "Lovino, I feel like I'm dying." Feliciano took a pained breath. He was letting all the guards fall away. His body loosened up and he looked so sick, so fragile. Lovino wanted to look away. "I am so sick. I throw up a million times and day and I just want to sleep. Standing up makes me exhausted. I get poison pumped into my body for six weeks and then I'm off for twelve. This is what I've been alternating since I got this fucking diagnosis. It's what I'll deal with until I'm twenty according to my oncologist because apparently if I don't do maintenance therapy for three years, it'll likely come back and not be so nice. I lost who I was. I don't have any friends. I have you and I have Papa, but Papa's not even present in my life…not really. He never was. He always liked you best and he ignored me because I look like Mama. I felt like a stranger in this family. I have you, Lovino. And all this time I'm killing myself to be okay. I'm using all my energy to fight the fatigue, the pain, the nausea. All I've looked forward to these past few months is that baby. And you say that this is what's best for him. Well what about us, Lovino? Do we not matter?"

"Feliciano, I'm sorry! I have to do what's right by Luca. I know you've been looking forward to him being born. So have I. I've learned to enjoy being pregnant despite the aches and pains because I know my days with him are numbered. It hurts. It fucking hurts, Feliciano. Don't you fucking dare act like this is harder for you than me!" Lovino glared at his brother, his breathing ragged. "He's _my_ son. Not yours. So I'm sorry you're upset. But this is my choice and it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, but this is what's best. I don't expect you to understand since you're only seventeen and you're not a parent."

"Neither are you," Feliciano glared, tears falling from his face. "I thought you'd changed, Lovino. You're just as selfish as you always were."

"What?" Lovino glared at him. "I'm not selfish! That's the opposite of what I'm doing!"

"When we were kids, you got to decide what we did. You wanted to go to church, so Papa made me go. You wanted to stay in and do your homework, so I had to stay in too. I'd ask you to go out with me and have fun and you just wanted to stay in and read. I had to sneak out because you were too selfish to ever just once do something I wanted. I bend over backwards my entire life for you. What have you ever done for me, Lovino?"

Lovino set his jaw and took a few breaths. He fixed his gaze on Feliciano. "I have you extra food because you were hungry. I have you the blankets because you were cold. I didn't let you see me cry when I missed Mama more than anything because I didn't want to make you upset. All those times I told you I wasn't hungry, I was. I was starving, but you are my little brother. I gave my food to you. There were nights that I couldn't sleep I was shivering so much, but I told you I was hot because you're my little brother. I never once thought twice about it. I never asked for anything in return. I'm sorry I didn't like the same things as you, but it was because if I left the house, Feli, I'd get shoved against walls and would be scared to death. It's not my fault that Papa made you do things with me. Don't you dare say I'm selfish. I've been making sacrifices for other people my entire life. I don't mind. I love you and Papa and Mama and Luca. That's why I'll make myself miserable for you. Fuck you, Feli. I'm leaving."

Lovino wiped away his tears angrily and picked up his things. He couldn't do this. He couldn't sit here and let his own brother throw everything in his face. Everything was hard enough. He didn't need Feliciano. He didn't need anyone. He'd do it all on his own. He'd get his degree and become a doctor and live his life alone. He wasn't good enough for anyone. That wouldn't stop him. He couldn't let his mother's life be in vain.

"Lovi, wait," Feli took his arm and pulled him into a hug. "Please don't leave."

"I'm no good, Feli. All I do is ruin things. Isn't that what my name means?" Lovino shook.

"Lovino, no, stop it," Feliciano said softly. "You care so much about the people you love. I know you sacrifice things. I do. I was just angry. Please don't go. Do what you think is best. I'm just sad. You need to rest. We both do. Let's go to bed. Papa won't know."

"Okay…" Lovino was too exhausted to argue.

They crawled in bed. Lovino stared around the room. Feli changed out of his clothes and plopped on the bed next to Lovino. He smiled at him before seeing Lovino's frown. Lovino ignored him as he sat up and took his hands.

"Lovino, are you okay?"

"All I've tried to do my entire life was make their sacrifice worth it," Lovino said softly. "I've failed. They came from wealth and power and luxury to this. Mama died for me. They should have aborted me. Nobody would have ever been hurt or disappointed. They would have been happy. They'd have you and you're such a happy person, Feli."

"Lovi, it has nothing to do with you. That was their choice. They loved you. Don't let what Papa said to you in anger affect you. I know he told you that their sacrifice wasn't worth it, but he loves you. I know he does," Feli laid his head against his brother's shoulder. "You're my favorite person, Lovi. I love you."

"I love you too…"

* * *

"It's a wrap, men! We start back up at 9am."

Roma dried the sweat from his face with his arm and took off his work at. His body protested his every movement. His muscles, bones and joints ached far to much for a man of only thirty-seven. The only thing that had kept him going was knowing his boys were at home needing him. These days he worked for Feliciano and to avoid him. He wanted to give him everything. Despite what the doctors said, his son looked so sick, so fragile. What if he lost him? He had to work to make sure there was food Feliciano liked on the table and food he could keep down.

It was painful to see him without his bright, shining eyes and infectious smile. All Feliciano did these days was lay around the house. A trip to the bathroom tired him out. He couldn't bare the coughing and the whimpering. Every time he heard him retching, he wanted to crawl in a small space and never come out. He had one job. Keep Feliciano and Lovino safe and protected. He failed. He kept failing. Truth be told, he hated himself. Because of him, Feli was going out at all hours to see Lovino, trying to pretend he didn't feel sick to comfort his brother. He tried to be the same Feliciano he'd always been. He could see that much when they were together in the hospital. Despite what Feliciano claimed, he knew he'd been sneaking out to see him.

Roma took a gulp of water as he started his walk home. Buses didn't run this late. It was nearly 3am. His mind wandered to Feliciano. He hoped dearly that he was okay. Too many nights he'd come home to him sobbing from pain as his catheter had an issue, or him crumbled on the floor by the toilet too tired to get up to go to his bed. Feli fought so hard for his brother. It exhausted him. Roma looked up at the dark sky as if it could cure his pain. You couldn't see the stars this close to the city. He never gave up trying. His precious Annalisa loved the stars. How many nights had they snuck out and found an abandoned field in her father's vineyard to watch the stars on a cool, calm night? He'd been convinced Lovino had been conceived in that vineyard on one of those nights. Annalisa had always blushed at the thought and told him not to worry about such silly things.

"You need a ride, Vargas?"

Roma turned toward the voice that had ripped him from thoughts of Feliciano and Annalisa. A man in his late twenties, Carlos, was grinning at him. Carlos reminded him of Feli. He was always smiling even when things were hard...especially then. Roma drank more water as he mulled the idea over in his mind. He was a proud man. He hated handouts. His body tightened as if to convince him to take the offer. He nodded slowly and made his way to the passenger seat. Music was playing from the radio. He didn't care for it much.

"Thank you," Roma said, softly. English still felt wrong on his tongue somehow.

"Don't worry about it! You know me, always willing to help you out, or anyone really."

That was true. Roma nodded. Another way he was similar to his son. Not a selfish bone in his body. Roma leaned back on the seat in closed his eyes as he let himself melt into the soft upholstery of Carlos' seats. They were silent for a few minutes. Carlos broke the air. He lowered the radio before speaking.

"So is your boy still sick?" His tone was soft and hushed.

"They tell me he's not. He's still on chemotherapy though. Maintenance therapy is what they say," Roma stated slowly and deliberately, concentrating on each word hoping desperately not to make a mistake in his grammar. He didn't want to embarrass his children. He tried so hard. Free classes on the nights he was off only taught him so much. He'd never tell a soul he was taking them. It was all because of his sons. Everything. His knuckles were white as he squeezed his water jug. He didn't want to talk anymore. He wanted silence.

"Yeah, I've heard about that. You know, it's a good thing his docs are keeping him on therapy. My cousin knew some people with a kid that had the same cancer as yours. Didn't get the maintenance drugs. Well cancer came back and she didn't make it. It's sad. You know they say if you don't do the maintenance with some, they come back with a vengeance. Like it's got something to prove. Doesn't respond to the treatments. Life's a bitch, huh?"

"Oh...uh...yes," Roma stared at his feet.

"How's your other boy? The older one. You haven't mentioned him a while. You used to never shut up about him," Carlos winked.

"I do not talk much..." Roma stared at the road in front of him.

"Well for you. You talked about him a lot. What's his name again? Lo...Lo...Lorenzo?"

"Lovino. Il mio Lovi. Passerotto mio," the words escaped Roma's lips before he had a chance to think. His heart pounded his chest, eyes wide. He'd done it. He'd messed up. He had let them down...again.

"What's that mean?" Carlos asked. "That's, what? Italian? Portuguese?"

"Italian." Roma bit his lip. "It...It means my little sparrow. It sound so silly in English." He was thankful the car was dark, he could feel his cheeks burning.

"Nah, that's really cool. So Lovino. How's Lovino?" Carlos glanced at him.

Roma felt the tears pooling in his eyes. Anger, hurt and self loathing bubbled to the surface along with the pride and love he felt when he thought of his eldest son. He was shocked when a small smile played on his lips. He pulled at his sleeves.

"He's in college. A...A...A...what is year three called?"

"Junior," Carlos offered with a smile.

"Yeah, a junior. He telled me, TOLD me," Roma took a few breaths, "He told me his major, but I never remember. They're unfamiliar words. He has two of them, but he's what he called pre-med. He wants to be a doctor. He's going to be a good doctor."

"That's wonderful. We need new doctors. Tell him to look after the little people when he gets to the top, would ya?"

"Yeah..."

"You love him a lot, huh? I mean I know you love your younger son, but Lovino...man, if only my old man would get that look on his face talking about me that you do when you talk about Lovino..." Carlos shook his head.

"I do. He means the world to me. Feli too. Lovi...Lovi is the reason for all this though. I could be rich again, but I'd give it all up for that smile and golden eyes any day. I wish...I wish I weren't so proud," Roma wiped a tear from his cheek hoping Carlos hadn't seen.

"There's nothing wrong with being proud of your kids. Hell, I would kill for my parents to be proud o' me. Nah, man, you be proud of your boys and you tell them, okay? Kids like us, we just want our parents to be proud. I know you grew up thinking you never wanted your father's approval, but when you lost it..."

"No, that's what I mean. I mean..." Roma stopped. He couldn't go on. He didn't dare be weak. Not in front of this kid.

He refused to say more as they drove. He almost sighed with relief when they turned onto his street. He thanked Carlos again offering him money that was declined. He pulled himself out of the car despite his body's protest and hugged the bag with the treats for Feliciano tightly to his chest as he walked to the front door. He kicked off his boots as he stepped inside and locked the deadbolt and chain. He made his way to the kitchen and shook his head with a smile at the mess.

"What am I going to do with him?" Roma muttered to himself.

He set the bag on the counter top and made his way to the boy's room to check on him. Only a corner of the blanket touched him. He was wearing his hoodie still with his pajama bottoms and shoes, beanie still atop his head. Roma was still uncomfortable with Feliciano actually wearing this much clothing in the house. He was always so cold these days. He went over to him and gently took off his shoes before taking off his beanie revealing the hairless head that sent a stab through him every time and placing it on the night stand. He pulled the blanket and tucked him in like he had done every night. It was a tradition of sorts, Roma checking on his sons. He kissed Feli's forehead, whispering he loved him.

Movement next to him in the bed alerted Roma to the fact that there was a second person in the bed. He bit his lip. He knew it was Lovino just by hearing the soft breaths. He walked slowly to the other side of the bed and knelt down. He ran his hand over the boy's hair. He watched him sleep for a few moments, brushing tears from his eyes. He loved him so, so much. Why did he treat him so poorly? Why could he not say he was sorry? He couldn't go back. Lovino probably hated him by now. He kissed him softly, whispering gently to him. He remembered when he was just a baby. He'd hold him and watch him sleep. He wanted nothing more than to go back and do it again.

Lovino winced and shifted his sleep. Roma eyes almost popped out of his head as fear that Lovino would wake up tore through him. A hand went to Lovino's belly. He pressed gently for a moment before settling back to his deep sleep. How far along was he? He couldn't be much longer. When Roma was sure Lovino was asleep, he slowly peeled the blankets back to reveal Lovino's protruding stomach. He placed a hand ever so gently against it to feel movement. The baby was very active and strong, just like Lovino had been. Roma smiled, new tears gathering in his eyes. He wanted to see it for his own eyes. He pushed Lovino's shirt back and stared at the stretched skin. Not a mark to be seen. He was just like Annalisa...and if genetics were any indication, Roma would expect Lovino to find them only after he'd given birth. His mother had not had a single one until Lovino was two weeks old. The first angry, purple mark reared its head leaving Annalisa in tears. She had been so embarrassed, she refused to let Roma even see her abdomen that was littered with them. He leaned down and kissed Lovino's belly for a moment before covering Lovino once more.

He took one more look at his sons before leaving their room quietly, making sure to flip off the light they had left on as he made his way out. Once he closed the door, he leaned against the wall and let out a shaking sigh. He need to figure out what to do to reconnect with Lovino before it was too late. He loved him so much. Why would his pride not leave him in peace? He went to the kitchen and began to tidy the boys' mess.

He was in the middle of doing dishes when he heard rustling behind him. He jumped and noticed Lovino had started clearing the table. Roma watched him for a moment before their eyes locked.

"Sorry, Papa...Feli and I didn't mean to-"

"Go to bed," Roma said, softly returning to the dishes.

"You've been working all day."

"Go to bed," Roma said firmly, taking the trash from Lovino's hands. "Or go home." Roma could have kicked himself. Why did he have to add that? He turned to Lovino who was tugging on his sleeves.

"I can't sleep. I'm afraid of driving being tired…" Lovino whispered.

"Sit down," Roma said barely audible.

Lovino slowly made his way the chair. Roma watched as Lovino slowly eased himself into the seat, leaning back as he did so. Had he lost so much time that Lovino was too far along to bend over now? Lovino winced and rubbed his belly, his eyes glued to the floor. Roma washed his hands and went to the refrigerator. He pulled the jug of milk out and set it on the counter before finding a pot.

"This always helped your mama, especially with you," he said quietly. He paused, biting his lips. He missed talking to Lovino so much. He needed to push past this pride. He had always vowed he'd never be like his father and yet here he was. He needed to push away his anger. Lovino needed him. "The first is always the hardest. Your body isn't used to expanding this much. Your mama had a very easy time with Feliciano."

"I'll never do this again," Lovino muttered taking the cup from his father. "Grazie."

Roma smirked and sat down next to him. The man watched his son sip the milk, a sleepy look crossing his face before small winces. He reached out and rubbed his back gently.

"You know you sound just like your mama. After you, she swore never again. When I came home and you were in her arms and she told me what birth was like, she told me she'd rather die than have another child. Then Feliciano comes along and things were easier for her, but still she swore not again. Life has a way of making you eat your words." Roma glanced out the window.

"What? Because she didn't have a chance?" Lovino mumbled.

"No…I still think about it. If she'd lived just a bit longer…I don't know if I could have done it. You and Feliciano barely had enough as it was. If she'd lived long enough to have the baby…" Roma trailed off unable to finish.

"What?" Lovino looked at him.

"She was about 10 weeks along when she died. We were so worried about what to do. She'd hold you and Feliciano and cry. You were both so fragile. So small. You were always so sick. She wondered how she'd have enough milk for the three of you. I guess it was a blessing within the curse. A child that didn't know this," Roma finished. He brushed a stray tear from his eye. "Lovino."

Lovino stared at him with those golden green eyes he loved so much. That piece of his dear Annalisa staring at him once more. He missed her so much. He missed his Lovino. He wished he could go back. Part of him knew he never could. What would Annalisa say if she were alive right now?

"This isn't easy for me to say and I should have said it a long time ago. I really should have. I'm so, so sorry. I love you, Lovi. I've just been so angry."

"I'm sorry!" Lovino whispered. "I didn't choose to be this way. I tried so hard to change."

"No, shhhh, Lovi. I'm not mad about that. Remember when you were fifteen and there were rumors that you were a _pompinara_?" Lovino flinched at the slur making Roma instantly regret his words. He did that so often these days. Lovino nodded. "I asked you, Lovino. I asked you if it was true. You looked at me and you lied to me. And I was so angry that you would lie!"

"I wasn't lying," Lovino whispered through his tears. "I was trying not to be. I was trying so hard and I didn't want to be, so I denied it because I thought if I denied it hard enough, it'd be real. I'm sorry I lied," Lovino fell into sobs.

Roma pulled him into a hug and rocked him back and forth through his tears. He wished he could take it all away. If Lovino never had to suffer again, but that wasn't possible. Roma knew one thing for sure. Lovino's pregnancy may be uncomfortable and painful, but labor and giving birth would be the greatest suffering he'd go through. He'd watched Annalisa writhe in agony and scream through the pain, powerless to do anything to help her. Roma pushed his son back gently and rubbed away his tears with his thumbs.

"It's alright. Everything will be alright," Roma smiled. "I love you so much, Lovi."

Lovino pulled away after a moment and brushed the tears from his eyes. He laughed nervously, shaking his head as he sat back and rubbed his protruding belly. Roma watched him a few moments. Lovino looked so scared and tired. His eyes fell on the bump.

"I-Is the baby moving?" His voice was hesitant.

"Oh, um, yeah," Lovino smiled softly. "Would...would you like to feel?"

"Oh yes, please," Roma smiled as Lovino took his hand and placed it on his abdomen. Gentle kicks greeted him. He'd never get used that feeling. His heart would never stop swelling at the sign of such a strong reminder of little things in life. "Hi, baby. This your Nonno. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I love you and cannot wait to meet you." He raised his eyes to meet Lovino's. "Is that alright? With the adoption and all."

Lovino glanced away, chewing his lip. He seemed to be thinking. Roma waited silently, holding his breath. Lovino took a deep breath and looked at him. He looked so tired.

"I don't know," Lovino whispered.

"I see..." Roma fell back in the chair and picked at a spot of dirt on his jeans. "What are they like? This family."

"They're really good people. Kind. They can give him so much. I want him to have everything," Lovino's voice was shaking.

"Him? You're having a son?" Tears filled Roma's eyes. He covered his mouth and let out a soft laugh. Lovino smiled and nodded, not making eye contact. "Do you have a name?"

"I'm not telling the name to anyone," Lovino was short in his response.

"Oh..." Roma shook his head. He was sure Feliciano had mentioned something about a name.

"They're letting me be a live in nanny so I can breastfeed him and I'm going to be a part of his life. That way I can finish my education. They're so excited," Lovino smiled, but Roma could see it wasn't genuine.

"Breastfeed." Roma raised his eyebrows.

"It's part of all of this..." Lovino gestured toward his body.

"Oh..." Roma shifted. "So you've really looked into all of this then?" Lovino nodded slowly.

"And you'll be living with this family. Do they treat you well? Do you have all the particulars worked out? I don't want you getting hurt. Is that a good idea? Lovi, you know that won't be forever..." Roma's heart raced. He knew his son. His heart was so fragile.

"Well I'll be their live in nanny. I'll be there to take care of him," Lovino's voice shook with the rest of his body. "I need to be there for him."

"Lovi, _caro_, he won't be yours anymore... They're letting you be there while he's young so that you can breastfeed. What about after?"

"I...They..." Lovino swallowed, tears in his eyes.

"I know you. Your heart breaks easily. That's why you

"I can't do this," Lovino whispered. He stood up and paced. Roma blinked. "Papa, I can't do it. I can't give him up. I keep having this nightmare where they take him away and I..."

"It's okay, Lovino. It's your choice. You have to choose what's best."

"Let me move back in. I'll have him and I'll raise him here. I'll go back to school and my extra financial aid will go back to him. The church as free child care. I'll bundle my classes and take as many of them online as possible and I'll continue working. It's all online. I just go and pick up the tapes and email the transcripts. I could do it. I just need your help." Lovino's words ran together. His voice was desperate. His eyes were pleading.

"A baby can't live here," Roma started feeling guilt in his heart. He couldn't look his son in the eyes.

"What?" Lovino's face dropped and he sucked in so many shallow breaths, Roma was sure he'd faint.

"Lovino, this isn't a place for a baby. There's black mo-"

"How could you?" Lovino was shaking, his eyes fixed on his father. "You set me up. You…you made me think that you cared. You broke me. You pushed me over the edge. I can't give him up now and you've gotten up my hopes and you just sit here and tell me he can't stay here?" A laugh escaped Lovino's throat. "What the hell is wrong with you? I said I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry!" Lovino held out his wrist to show a small scar of a gash. "And I'm sorry Matthew stopped this. So fuck you. I am done. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!"

Roma collapsed in the chair, sobs escaping him. He'd let Lovino slip away. He'd pushed him away that there was not pulling him back. It was over. It was time.

* * *

Lovino flipped on the bedroom light and started tearing the room apart. He wasn't even concerned with waking up Feliciano. He'd always been a heavy sleeper, but his brother was the last thing on his mind. All Lovino could think of was Antonio. He had to call him. Lovino cursed himself for ever deleting the number. He knew he'd written in down in a notebook for Feliciano in case he needed to reach him and he wasn't picking up. He had Matthew, Alfred and Antonio's numbers in that notebook, just in case. Where was it?

Lovino scrambled through boxes, ignoring the sharp pains in his abdomen. He went tore apart the closet and searched under the bed as best as he could. He couldn't calm in breathing. He couldn't do this. He couldn't give Luca up and he wasn't able to do this alone. He needed Antonio. He needed to at least let him know. He could get the money if he needed to. It wasn't even about that. He needed Antonio to hold him and tell him everything was okay. Fuck his promise to his father about never looking at another man as long as he lived. He was in love with that silly, stupid, ridiculous, kind, free spirited Spaniard. He needed him.

Lovino collapsed when he found the notebook. Tears spilled down his cheeks. He slowly stood up and flipped the light off. He crawled in bed and dialed Antonio. He held his breath. One. Two. Three rings.

"Hola, this is Toni!" Antonio's voice answered, laughter behind it. Lovino could hear others talking and laughing in the background. Lovino didn't speak. "Hello?" Antonio asked again. Lovino closed his eyes and let out a shaking breath. "Okay, do you have the wrong number?" Nothing. "Well…bye."

"Wait!" Lovino took a few breaths hoping Antonio hadn't hung up.

"Si?" Antonio said, his voice apprehensive.

"Ton…Tonio, it's…it's…"

"Lovino?" Antonio gasped.

"Yeah…" Lovino breathed.

"Wow, hi. It's late for you. It's nearly 4am."

Lovino guessed Antonio had stepped away from whoever he was with because the background was now silent besides Antonio. Lovino hugged the blanket to him. He let out the breath he'd been holding.

"Isn't 4am late for anyone?" Lovino asked.

"It's Friday. Which means my friends and I are together and we just stay up all night. You used to fall asleep on the couch during, don't you remember? Gilbert drew on your face because it's a party foul to fall asleep at a party and doubly so when you have your shoes on. You were so mad," Antonio giggled.

"It wasn't fucking funny," Lovino snapped.

"I know. I'm sorry. Anyway, what's up? You don't just call at 4am for no reason," Antonio chimed.

"I miss you. I miss you and I love you and I'm sorry. I need to see you. Can I see you tomorrow? Please?" Lovino all but begged. The line was silent. "Antonio?"

"Yeah, wow, yeah. Sorry, it's just I never thought I'd hear from you again. It's been so long." Antonio sounded confused.

"Yeah, well…I didn't plan on it. I'm sorry. I love you. I know you've probably already gotten over me and you don't' want to see me and you probably hate me. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm just…"

"I love you," Antonio cut Lovino off, catching him by surprise. "I'd love to see you. How's tomorrow evening? I'm going to go to sleep now so I'll be rested enough." Antonio's familiar laugh was like music to Lovino's ears.

Antonio kept talking. With every word, Lovino felt less scared and more at ease. They talked softly in hushed voices until Lovino drifted to sleep with thoughts of Antonio and Luca in his head. For a moment, everything felt right.

* * *

_**The next chapter's going to be good. Who's ready for Luca to be born? I kinda wanna skip through some weeks because I need me some baby Luca. Thoughts?**_

_**Well anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed this. Please review! **_


	23. Chapter 23

_**Hey! 2 weeks! **_

_**Enjoy :)**_

* * *

**34 weeks**

Lovino woke up to an empty room. Sirens blared in the distance. There were people talking loudly on the street. He laid there with his eyes closed taking in the familiar sound of home. It was loud and brash, but he didn't mind it one bit. After a moment of fighting the overwhelming need to pee, Lovino got up. He sighed as he pulled on of Feliciano's zipper hoodies. He smiled at the fact that he and his brother were sharing clothes again. It seemed like forever.

Lovino peaked outside the room. Everything was still. He took a deep breath and went to the kitchen to get a cup of water before he left to meet Rosa and Phillipe. He paused and smiled at the plate on the stove with a note that read: _Good morning, Lovi! I made you your favorite muffins for breakfast! I love you!_ Lovino shook his head and smiled and picked up the banana nut muffin and pulled it apart to eat.

"Zio is a really great person, Luca. You're going to love him…at least I hope so," Lovino said softly. Luca kicked in response. Lovino smiled and shook his head. He finished his water and dashed out the door. He really needed a shower and to change.

Lovino was barely able to finish all he needed to be ready. He ran in the door of the coffee shop just moments after the couple. They exchanged pleasantries. Lovino shifted, unable to offer much to the conversation. He was so anxious. He knew it was only a matter of time before he was breaking these people's hearts. He planned to do it quick. Be straight to the point. There was no used tiptoeing around the subject. It would hurt like hell either way. He figured it'd be easier no to prolong that pain. He ordered a coffee and bagel. Rosa got a tea and a muffin. Philippe got an espresso. Lovino memorized it, committed the meal to memory. A light breakfast with heavy news.

"So Lovino, we wanted to talk to you about plans for when Luca comes. We were thinking that maybe it'd be a good idea if we paid you," Rosa said dunking her tea bag gently. "For being a nanny." Her tone was different. It wasn't the kind, cheerful woman who welcomed Lovino so well into her family. It was business. Part of him felt as though she was reminding him of his position in all of this.

"Pay me?" Lovino repeated. "To take care of my son. You want to pay me to do what I should be doing, what I plan on doing. He's _my _son."

"Easy, Lovino," Philippe put a hand on Lovino's shoulder. "We just thought since your doctor's visits are free due to the fact that you're seeing a woman who's using you in a study, we wanted to compensate you is all."

Lovino glanced at him before engaging in the staring battle Rosa had challenged him to. Something felt wrong about all of this. Or was he just being paranoid? He didn't really know. He just didn't like the way this felt. Why were they offering money? That was never part of the deal.

"Lovino, you realize that once Luca is born and adoption goes through, he'll be _our_ son," Rosa said calmly.

"The thing about that is…" Lovino played with his cup. "He's not…because I've changed my mind. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I know it probably feels like your heart's been ripped out of your chest, but that's how I've felt the past two months. I can't do this. I can't pretend like this is some dream come true situation. Honestly the arrangement is horrible when you think about it. You want me to give birth to him and take care of him while I go to school and you work and let me bond with him and watch him grow up and then after two years when he's weaned you'll just throw me out because you'll fire me because all I am to you is a pawn in your game. I was blind before. This isn't a family situation. It's business," Lovino was shaking, tears falling from his eyes. He cursed mentally. People were staring.

"Lovino…" Rosa started and glanced at Philippe. Her eyes glistened with tears. Philippe looked hurt. "Sweetheart, if you changed your mind about the adoption, that's okay. But please don't think that any of the rest of that is true. We meant nothing. We just wanted to put the offer on the table so you don't have to work and go to school at the same time. Regardless of your choice, you _are_ a part of our family. This is hard. We know. We feared it was coming. We thought it would come sooner."

"I'm sorry. I can't give him away and I'm sorry I accused you. I'm just really on edge and I just…" Lovino took a deep breath. He curse pregnancy and hormones and Antonio for knocking down all his defenses. "I can't do this."

"Do you want the furniture?" Philippe asked softly. "And everything we've gotten for him?"

"What?" Lovino blinked.

"We really did have a feeling you weren't going to go through with this," Rosa said softly. "You haven't ever been comfortable with any of this. And the way you talked referring to him as your baby and your son…we had a feeling. When we took you shopping, the reason we let you pick everything out is that we knew your situation and in the likely event you backed out, you'd have the things you dreamed about." She smiled at him and took his hand.

"I…" Lovino shifted his gaze between them, his mouth agape. "You…? But you saw the sonogram. You…"

"We hoped you wouldn't back out," Rosa said as tears started to fall. "We hoped and prayed like hell that we'd get a baby, but we prepared ourselves. We want a child so badly. We know that hurt, that pain. We wouldn't wish that on you. There are plenty of children who aren't wanted by their biological parents and those are the ones that need us. You love your baby boy so much. He's so lucky to have you. Please, if you need anything, let us know."

Lovino swallowed hard and stared at the table. What was going on? This wasn't what he'd expected. He blinked. They were sincere. Philippe asked the question again about the furniture and added the clothes and mobile. He even offered to bring everything to him.

"I…I can't accept this…You bought it. Maybe the furniture, but I can't…" Lovino shook his head. "Thank you for everything. You're both so kind. I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," Philippe told him. "And if you change your mind, the furniture's yours."

"Thank you. I have to go."

Lovino stood up only to be followed suit by the couple. They hugged him and told him to keep in touch. They wished him the best and offered assistance in any way he needed it, reminding him they were just a phone call away. Lovino thanked them again and left the coffee shop in a hurry.

He walked down the street, trying to catch his breath. Nothing felt real. The sky, the trees, the air around him. He found himself in the park. He watched the kids playing. He sat on a bench next to a bench full of moms talking and being social. A child fell and started crying before jumping to their feet and running to one of the women. She kissed it better and hugged the little girl. The child smiled and ran back to play. He remembered how his mother's kisses could fix anything. A heavy feeling overcame him as he realized this would be his life. He'd go to the park and sit and watch Luca or even play with him. His kisses could heal all wounds. His hugs could make Luca feel safe. He would be the superhero in Luca's eyes who could fight away any monster and who was never afraid. The thing was, something he never understood as a child, parents were people. Luca would never know the truth.

He was terrified.

* * *

Lovino sat on his couch and flipped on the television for background noise. He sorted through the mail and stopped at one with beautiful cursive Italian. The return address was from the small village his parents had grown up in. His heart raced with nervousness as he opened the letter carefully. He had never even spoken with his relatives in Italy.

_ My dearest Lovino,_

_ I know it has been far too long. I can only imagine who you are today. I wish I could have watched you grow up in Italy among our family, but I am glad that you know only the life you have lived. The family business is sticky and can consume the soul. The power that our family holds is too great for anyone person to handle. My father stretches his arms and flexes them as I'm sure you are all too familiar with. _

_ I was heartbroken by the news of the death of your mother. Understand that I wanted to help, but I had no money. Everything I'd saved up went to America with you and your parents. My father recognized that I had aided my brother and while he did not exile me, he did punish me. I was not allowed any financial support. I've worked my way to the top and saved enough for your brother and yourself to be awarded at the age of twenty-one. I know this letter will get to you late, but it was only recently that I'd saved enough to send. I trust you'll use it wisely. _

_ Love, _

_ Zia Rosella_

Folded into a piece of paper, Lovino pulled out a check for twenty-thousand dollars. His heart skipped a beat. He couldn't believe it. He stared at it. Was this a joke? Was it real? He wasn't sure. His eyes filled with tears. Twenty-thousand dollars. That was enough for what he needed for Luca. He'd save the rest and put his paychecks away with it. They would live simple lives, but Luca would get the world. Lovino silently thanked his aunt and figured he should draft a letter to her giving her his regards. He hoped that one day he could meet her.

He chewed on his lip and checked the time. Antonio would be there any minute. He didn't have time to go to the bank. Antonio. A lump raised in his throat as he suddenly became very aware of the fact that he would be seeing the father of his child in mere minutes. He had to look presentable. He pulled himself off the couch with the letter and check in hand and headed to his room.

The check was placed carefully in his top drawer and covered with clothes. He checked himself in the mirror and sighed at the sight of his now thirty-four weeks today belly. He had hoped to be able to hide it slightly. At least with his baggy hoodie he was hard to tell. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It would be okay. Everything would be okay.

Lovino jumped at a knock on the door. He checked himself one more time before half running to the door. He took a deep breath and opened, hiding slightly behind it, to see Antonio's smiling face. Lovino offered a smile back choking out a small greeting. Antonio held out a heart shaped box and a bottle of wine. Lovino stared at it skeptically, his heart pounding.

"Hi Lovino! I brought you some chocolates and some fancy wine Francis recommended if you'd like it," Antonio smiled.

"Oh...thanks," Lovino took the box awkwardly. He stared at it. It was expensive chocolate. Why was he always spending so much money? He would never understand that.

"May I come in?" Antonio asked eagerly, trying to peer around the door.

"Oh, um, yeah," Lovino coughed and stepped back. Antonio stepped inside, looking around. He turned and smiled at Lovino.

"This is a nice place, Lovi! You must have a great job."

"No...Feli...nevermind..."

Lovino took the boxes to the kitchen, trying hard to hide his bump. He didn't see how Antonio had missed it. For once the man's oblivious nature was beneficial. Antonio set the wine on the bar overlooking the sink. It was a window the kitchen really. The man frowned as he looked around. Lovino glanced at him. Antonio made his way around the wall to the kitchen and looked around.

"Lovino…how do you deal with this? The oven is not anywhere near good enough to make most dishes. This stove is seriously still using coils? There is no counter space. How do you cook?" Antonio opened the cabinets, inspecting the pots and pans and utensils Lovino had. He shook his head and tutted to himself. "Honestly Lovino nothing is up to par and-"

Lovino swallowed hard as Antonio's eyes finally fell on his protruding belly. His eyebrows knit in a moment of confusion. Now was the time. He had to say something. Antonio knew. He had to come clean. Lovino opened his mouth to say something, but Antonio smiled softly and closed the cabinets.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so critical. Obviously you've found a way to cook to your heart's desire which is wonderful, really it is. I mean you're still as cute as ever, I just thought with how much you run and with the goals you and Matthew had with health that you wouldn't have…you know what? Nevermind. I'm being rude. I have this thing where I talk too much when I'm nervous and I'm really nervous because I've just embarrassed myself. Wow, I can't stop," Antonio giggled. He wiped his hands on the front of his shirt. "Is it warm in here? I feel like it's warm in here. Do you want to open a window or turn on a fan or something? Dios mio, I need to sit down. Oh would you like some wine?"

"No…" Lovino chewed his lip.

"Oh god, I knew this was a bad idea! You don't like wine. I should have remembered that. Well do you like wine? I don't know. Francis suggested it and said it'd be romantic, but maybe he was wrong?"

"Antonio…"

"Do you mind if I have a glass? I really need a glass. That was so rude of me to say. I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Hey are these cups okay to use? They're not very fancy and they're not the crystal wine glasses that Francis insisted French wine needs to be served in, but they'll have to do, right?" Antonio buzzed on, fidgeting as he worked his way around the kitchen. Lovino watched him for a moment.

"Antonio," Lovino tried again.

"Do you want anything? Oh god, why am I doing this? It's not my house. It's yours, yet here I am offering you beverages in your own house. I really need to shut up. Why can't I shut up? I have been doing this a lot lately and I don't really know why. This is new, you know. I know I said it's been a problem for a long time, but it's not. It's new. It's within the last year or so and it's getting worse and I don't know. Maybe I'm getting nervous more? Maybe it's the stress of my jobs? I'm really glad you called me. I love you," Antonio poured a glass of wine and chugged it before pouring another one.

"Antonio, there's a reason that I called you over today…" Lovino couldn't make eye contact.

"Oh yeah, right," Antonio let out a laugh. "I guess we should talk. It's what you wanted. Are we getting back together? That would make me so happy. Oooh, you know what would be fun? I could take you to the mall and I'd buy you everything in the mall. Do you want anything in particular? We could go skydiving! Oh, do you want to go to Spain? Or Italy? Now. We can leave now. Where are my things? Oh yeah, I'm at your house."

"Fuck, Antonio, calm down." Lovino crossed his arms and frowned at him. Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

"Okay…I'll try. I'm sorry. Dios mio, lo siento," Antonio poured more wine in the cup.

"Do you think it's a good idea to drink so much? I mean it's only two in the afternoon…" Lovino shifted uncomfortably. Had Antonio been like this when they were together? Lovino tried hard to think back, but it didn't feel real. He wondered if the memories weren't something he had conjured up in his head.

"Oh…" Antonio let out another laugh, "Yes, it's okay. It calms me down."

Lovino stared at him for a moment. Antonio did look calmer now, aside from the fact that he was pouring yet another glass of wine. Lovino felt nauseous. He grabbed a bottle of water off the counter and went to the living room. Antonio followed along with his wine. He stopped at the edge of the carpet, asking permission to take the wine with him. Lovino shrugged. He really didn't care. Why was it they kept meeting like this?

Lovino gestured for Antonio to sit down. The man did so, smiling dazed at Lovino. He patted the seat next to him coaxing Lovino to join him. Lovino shook his head as he paced in front of the couch. He couldn't figure out how to do this. He had said it before. He could say it again. But what if, Lovino's mind raced, Antonio knew all along? What if he was mad that Lovino hadn't gotten an abortion?

"Lovino, you're making me nervous. Just sit down," Antonio said softly.

Lovino stopped and licked his lips nervously. His eyes darted around the room. He glanced back at Antonio. He was looking at him with those emerald green eyes. The laughter they'd once held was gone, replaced by something like pain and fear. Had he been responsible? Maybe he was imagining things. After all, Antonio's face still had that carefree, relaxed grin. Antonio carried himself with a Mediterranean ease. It was as if nothing could shake him. The relaxed, laid back persona had been the thing that had drawn Lovino to him in the first place. He had embodied what Lovino had always felt was the roots this country had drained his parents and himself of. He too could have had that Mediterranean life.

"Lovi…" Antonio said softly, his grin now gone. "What's wrong?"

Lovino closed his eyes. And pulled back the hoodie to show his small frame with the only protrusion being his stomach. Antonio glanced away as if he were embarrassed to look. His eyes gazed into Lovino's golden green. They stared at each other in a heavy silence. Lovino's breathing became rushed. He closed his eyes and covered his face letting out a groan. Antonio stood up and went to him. Lovino turned his back to him, trying to signal him to leave him alone. He just needed time.

He tensed as he felt Antonio's arms wrap around his waist, resting on his bump. Lovino melted against him, every ounce of anxiety leaving. He breathed him in. He smelled like cinnamon today, cinnamon with vanilla and just a hint of smoke. It was amazing how such a strange smell had played with his heart, had eased his apprehension. This was Antonio. Lovino was absolutely certain that this man was his soul mate. This man was the reason he lived and breathed, his only hope.

"Antonio, I…" Lovino started.

"Shhh, it's okay that you've gained weight. You look cuter somehow. You're breathtaking every day. It's been a while, but you still are so beautiful," Antonio breathed.

He pressed his lips against Lovino's neck. He let out a shuddering breath. He wanted the moment to last. His hands found Antonio's. He turned fluidly and wrapped his arms around Antonio's neck. Their eyes locked. Lovino pushed himself on his tiptoes and pressed his lips ever so gently to the soft skin of Antonio's. He pulled back after a moment. His heart was racing. Hormones were flooding his body by the boat load. His urges and desires were overwhelming now. Antonio smiled at him before pulling his hips closer to him and kissing Lovino with more passion and lust than ever before.

Lovino felt Luca reacting to the changes in his vital signs and the chemicals rushing through his system. The child was moving more than Lovino had felt him move in a while. He pulled away from the kiss trying to catch his breathing and calm Luca. He had never realized just how much his feelings affected the life he was growing. He leaned against Antonio's chest, listening to his heart and Toni's lips and hands became reacquainted with him. Lovino wanted nothing more than to let the go where he knew it was heading, but he was too aware of Luca. He couldn't do this. He was just about to push away when Antonio jumped away, confusion written on his face.

"L-Lovino…" Antonio stammered out, his eyes focusing on this abdomen. "Something…something moved…a lot."

"That's, um, that's what I needed to talk to you about. Please sit down," Lovino rubbed his temples trying to concentrate. His hormones are clouding his mind.

"Sit down? Why?" Antonio snapped. "Lovino, what is going on? Are you okay?'

"Tonio, please," Lovino begged, still trying to calm himself as well as Luca.

"Just tell me what's wrong, Lovi. I want to be there for you," Antonio put a finger gently under Lovino's chin and angled it up toward him. He pecked his lips and smiled. "If you're sick, let me know. I want to help you. I can take it."

Lovino pulled away again, shaking his head and hugging himself. Tears filled his eyes. He grabbed at his hair, letting out a muffled scream and turned back to a stunned Antonio. Antonio looked scared now. Why wouldn't he be? When had Lovino ever acted this way? _Just say it_, his mind demanded.

"I'm pregnant," Lovino muttered to the floor.

"I'm sorry?" Antonio leaned forward slightly with the inquiry.

"Pregnant. I'm pregnant," Lovino announced, standing firmly. "Thirty-four weeks."

"That...that's impossible," Antonio stammered. "You're not a girl. You're a man. I know because I've seen you naked. I know. And, and, and we…you, we did anal."

"Technically I'm neither," Lovino said dryly. "And until five and half months ago, I thought the same thing as you, but it looks like we're both wrong."

"What? How? Lovino, you're not making sense."

"I am intersex. There are different kinds and this is what I've got," Lovino wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and never come out.

"What?" Antonio shook his head.

"Stay with me or not. I don't give a fuck. I love you, but I sure as hell don't need you. In less than two months, I'm giving birth to _my_ son. Is he going to be yours or are you just going to be a sperm donor? It's your choice," Lovino was shocked at the confidence and finality of his tone. It was what he'd been hoping for this whole time.

"I have to go," Antonio muttered, brushing past Lovino quickly and slamming the door behind him.

Lovino took a few shaky breaths. He hadn't prepared himself for that. He felt as though everything were crumbling around him. Luca danced frantically on his pelvis, but Lovino didn't flinch. Tears welled in his eyes. He tried to calm the storm brewing inside him.

"We don't need him. We don't need him. We don't need him," Lovino repeated the mantra over and over, his voice raising from a whisper to a desperate scream just before sobs wracked his body. "What do I do?" Lovino whispered. "Luca, I can't do this on my own. What do I do?" He cradled his stomach as tears continued to pour.

* * *

"Dude, not fair! You totally cheated! You can't just ambush me!" Alfred whined tossing the controller to the side, frowning at his brother.

"It's war, Alfie. Get used to it," Matthew smirking.

"I know…" Alfred sighed.

Matthew's stomach turned when he realized how true that statement would soon be. He stood up from the bean bag chair and adjusted his shirt. Emma was curled up on the couch reading a book. Her hair was thrown up in a messy bun, wisps of hair falling around her face. Her pink sleeper tank top fell over her perfectly. She had on the black sleep shorts and a matching black sleep cardigan with cute bunny slippers. When he looked at her, his breath was taken away. He couldn't help but wonder if that's what Alfred had seen when he looked at Natalia. A girl he would give the world for.

"Mattie, do you want to play another game?" Alfred asked shuffling through his collection.

Matthew glanced back at Alfred. All Matthew could see was his brother, six years old, begging him to play with him. If Matthew could go back, he never would have thought of his little brother as annoying. He would have never told him he was doing something with friends just to get out of hanging out with him. Now he might lose him. And for what? A girl who didn't give a shit about him. A girl who'd ripped his heart out and told him she hated him for doing the one thing Alfred thought would make her happy. Matthew hated that girl.

"Mattie?" Alfred threw an M&amp;M at his brother.

"Huh?" Matthew said coming out of his thoughts. "I mean, um, Yeah, sure."

"Dude, you've been acting so weird…" Alfred shook his head.

"Yeah…sorry. I have a lot on my mind. Let me get some water, okay? Do you want anything?" Matthew offered.

"Can you get me a coke?" Alfred smiled.

"Yeah, sure. Em, do you want anything from the kitchen?"

"Oooh, can you make me some chocolate milk?" she asked, her eyes sparkling.

"Of course."

Matthew was stirring Emma's milk when his phone rang. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, surprised to see Lovino's number on the screen. Lovino hadn't called him since before he moved out. He'd always been the one calling him. He frowned, hoping everything was okay.

"Hey, Lovi!" Matthew answered cheerfully, tossing Alfred a bottle of coke and handing Emma her chocolate milk. He was greeted by undiscernible sobbing on the other end. "Lovino, hey, breathe. I can't understand you."

Emma and Alfred looked over at him, confused and concerned. Matthew didn't have a good feeling about this. Lovino was crying too hard to be understood. Matthew kept coaxing his friend to calm down and breathe to no avail. Matthew rushed to his room and changed out of his pajamas and put his shoes on all the while trying to calm Lovino. He grabbed his keys and left the apartment ignoring Emma and Alfred's concerned questioning. He knew one thing.

He needed to get to Lovino.

* * *

Lovino ripped the door open, never more relieved to see his best friend until that moment. He fell against him, sobbing. Matthew hugged him and comforted him gently. After a few minutes, Matthew had managed to calm him enough to get him into the apartment and to the couch. Lovino refused to speak. He couldn't. He felt the couch shift as Matthew appeared by his side.

"Here. Drink this," Matthew said softly handing him a glass of water. "It'll help you to calm down."

Lovino took it in a shaking hand and sipped it silently. Matthew sat next to him, waiting for him to calm enough to talk to him. Lovino handed the glass to Matthew who set it on the coffee table. Lovino stared at his lap. Matthew. Why had he ever pushed him out of his life? When had Matthew ever judged him or not been encouraging?

"Are you feeling a bit better?" Matthew asked softly. Lovino nodded in response. "Are you ready to talk to me about what happened?"

"Yes…" Lovino gestured to his abdomen. "You know that thing you told me about that you'd heard about in your biology Master's program? About certain intersex men being able to have children? That's me. I'm pregnant." Lovino let out a shuddering breath. "I didn't think it was true when you told me." He paused waiting for a reply.

"You could have told me, Lovino," Matthew smiled. "You didn't have to go through this alone."

"I wasn't alone, not really. I had Feliciano. I told Antonio. After Christmas, I told him. He was dropping me off and I looked at him and told him I was pregnant. He laughed. He thought it was a joke. I didn't push it. I just wanted to break up and he apologized. Then after I took my MCAT, I was talking to him about it and he still thought it was a joke and got angry at me and it kind of scared me. He told me to abort it. To abort the joke. So I left him. And it's been so hard, Mattie. I told him today. I needed to see him. I needed to talk to him. I told him and he left. He said he had to go," Lovino broke off and started crying again. "What am I going to do?"

"How far along are you?" Matthew asked, offering Lovino a pack of tissues.

"Thirty-four weeks today," Lovino sniffled.

"Do you know what you're having?"

"A baby boy," Lovino smiled. "His name is Luca."

"Luca. I like that."

"Si, Luca Raphael Vargas," Lovino pronounced it in a strong Italian accent.

"That's a very beautiful name," Matthew smiled. "So how are you feeling?"

"Heartbroken. Lost." Lovino shrugged. "I don't really want to talk about that."

"No, not that asshole. I'm talking about your pregnancy." Matthew rested his arm on the back of the couch and rested his head on his hand.

"Oh…um…well…" Lovino cleared his throat and shifted to face Matthew. "Do you want the honest answer?"

"Yes, always."

"My back hurts. My pelvis aches. My stomach feels like it's being stabbed from round ligament pain. I have indigestion like every day. I have the strangest cravings of my life. It's hard to breathe because he's literally in my ribcage. My feet hurt. My ankles are swollen. I have to pee constantly. I'm constantly horny and I've resorted to using this thing Feli got as a joke for me, but he was probably half was serious. I'm always falling asleep because I'm so damn tired. I'm absolutely miserable in every sense of the word. And Matthew, I'm so fucking scared," Lovino wiped his eyes.

"Lovino, I'm so sorry…"

"But I love him. I love my baby so much. God, I never knew it was possible to love someone this much. I talk to him. I like it when he moves because I know he's okay and he's strong and healthy. He's my baby. I want everything for him. It's all worth it to me. It's really that unconditional love you hear about. I can't wait to meet him. But holy shit, I'm terrified." Lovino picked at his pants.

"Wow, that sounds…" Matthew shook his head.

"It's like the best and worst experience of my life...if that makes sense," Lovino raised his eyes to meet Matthew's.

"Yeah…I can see that. Are you getting prenatal care?" Matthew's face filled with concern.

"Um, yes. They did the first ultrasound at the hospital when I was going to give Feliciano blood, but the tests came back positive for human chorionic gonadotropin. They told me it was either testicular cancer or pregnancy. I looked at them like they were crazy. I was so scared. They did an doppler because it was less invasive and that's the first time I heard a heartbeat. That's what had happened when I came home and…you know." Lovino looked away.

"Yeah…" Matthew whispered, the shadow of that night reflected in his face. "Wow, so how did you afford it?"

"I went to Planned Parenthood and they referred me to a specialist. She's doing a study in pregnancy in intersex males, so everything's free of charge. She's been handling intersex pregnancies for a while now. I really like her. I was so scared. I still am, but I got this picture of him, this picture. Hold on," Lovino fumbled his way up and went to his room. He came back hugging a folder to his chest.

Lovino sat on the couch next to Matthew and chewed his lip as he hugged the folder. He hadn't shown anyone other than Feliciano. The sonograms were something special. Matthew watched him closely, a soft smile on his face. Lovino licked his lips nervously and raised his eyes slowly from the folder.

"My pregnancy is considered high risk because of my being intersex, so I've gotten a sonogram every visit," he took a shuddering breath. "Remember when you picked me up from that appointment? It was my first OB appointment. I was scared. I met this wonderful person in the waiting room. She was also intersex. I don't know what happened to her. I wanted to stay in touch because finally someone who understood, but I never saw her again. Anyway she really helped me calm down. I had morning sickness past the first trimester, really most of the last eight and a half months. Well I was feeling so sick and was talking to him and begging him to stop making me sick as if it was him doing it. I guess I felt something for him at that point, but Dr. Evans had me lay back and she did a pelvic exam which was so uncomfortable. I just wanted to cry. I didn't understand why this was happening, how it was happening. It didn't seem real. I just wanted to leave. She finished and she put this warm jelly on my lower stomach. She has this machine with her. And I remember my heart just racing and I'm fighting back tears. I don't want this. I had to pee because you have to do them with a full bladder and she pressed the wand on me and I thought I going to pee myself. There's that fast, strong heart beat and I'm freaking out because how could it be that fast? She smiles and turns the screen to me and she tells that it was my baby. That was the moment I fell in love with him, Mattie."

Lovino handed Matthew the first ultrasound. Matthew took it and smiled at the picture. Lovino watched him. He brushed tears out of his eyes. He wished he could stop crying. He wished he didn't feel so nervous. He kept trying to slow his breathing. Nothing could make the anxiety fade. He just wanted to run, run for miles. It was the thing he missed the most that he could no longer knew in his gestation. He hadn't been able to in a long time.

"This is really amazing," Matthew breathed. "He's so cute." Lovino nodded, muttering a polite thank you.

"It's a bit worn out. I stared at it a lot and put a hand on my stomach when I talked to him. I told him everything. He's been my confident during this whole pregnancy. You know Gilbert's brother?" Matthew nodded. "He walked in on me during Christmas. I'd thrown up and I felt so nauseous and was trying to figure out how to tell Antonio. He sat with me on the floor of Antonio's bathroom while I was crying and even though he was really awkward, he comforted me. He told me Luca was cute and he told me he knew Antonio well enough to know that I should tell him. These are the rest of the ultrasounds. You can see him getting bigger. There are 3D ultrasounds too. You can see where they figured out it was a boy."

"He's really cute. I can't wait to meet him," Matthew smiled.

"Me either. I almost gave him away. I found this couple and they were perfect. I told them this morning I changed my mind. I talked to Feli and my dad last night and they convinced me I couldn't do it. I knew on some level that I couldn't. I'm glad I changed my mind though. I'm just scared now. What am I going to do, Matthew? I dropped out and I got all these letters from medical schools with offers and then it was taken away. I had my dreams and they slipped through my fingers. And you know what the funniest part is? I used to want that with my entire being, but now…now I just want to be able to give my son everything he needs. I just…I don't know how to get there."

"Move back in," Matthew said firmly.

"I can't. Alfred…" Lovino trailed off.

"Alfred enlisted in the Marines," Matthew glanced away from Lovino, his jaw set.

"Oh shit…" Lovino blinked. "How are you doing?"

"This isn't about me, Lovi," Matthew offered a weak smile.

"All I'm saying is Feli's got cancer and it scares me to death every day. I worry he's going to die at any moment. It's not a good feeling especially when it's your little brother…"

"Yeah, well…" Matthew shrugged. "There's no changing it. He joined for this girl he met at the gym. She grew up in a military family. She told him it was all she knew. They'd been dating and he thought she'd like if he enlisted because she was always going on about it. She dumped him when he told her. Told him she hated him and that she never wants to see him again. My brother is probably going to be sent to a war zone. And for what? Some girl who decided to break my little brother's heart?" Matthew shook his head. "I'm sorry, Lovino."

"Wow…" Lovino sniffled.

"Anyway the point is his room is going to be free. It's yours. You can even switch rooms with me so you can have the master bedroom. It's bigger by quite a bit and you'll need the extra room. You can set up a crib in there and maybe like a changing table or something. Emma moved in, so we're both available to watch Luca when you have class. You told me your work is online now. If you need to do that or study or do homework, we can help with Luca. Emma works three days a week usually unless she works extra. I am doing my thesis, so we're both home a lot," Matthew smiled.

"Wow…grazie, but I can't ask you to do that. He's not your son," Lovino started.

"You're my best friend, Lovino. You're not asking. I'm offering. I want to do this. Youi don't have to go through this alone. You need help. Everyone needs help."

"I guess…" Lovino played with his pants.

"Have you made plans for the birth and everything? I'm assuming C section?" Matthew leaned back to get more comfortable.

"No, I'm not doing that unless it's necessary. I'm going to have a natural vaginal delivery. I was looking it up. Babies need the squeeze to put the fluid from their lungs and help with fetal to newborn circulation. I want to breastfeed him afterwards. I've already been leaking for a month now," Lovino rubbed his palms on his jeans.

"Wow, that's…" Matthew shook his head. "That sounds painful."

"Well of course it is, but it's be worse as a C section because that's major surgery. I wouldn't be able to hold him right away. It'll hurt forever. The way I want to do it, it'll hurt a lot during, but healing is going to be a lot easier. I'm really nervous about it because…" Lovino trailed off.

"I don't blame you," Matthew said softly.

"But I love him."

"I know you do," Matthew smiled.

"Because I love him, I don't think I can move in with you," Lovino rubbed his belly absently.

"What? Why?" Matthew knit his brow.

"Because…you live with Emma. You're dating her. She's Antonio's best friend. He's going to be around, Matt. That means he's going to be around Luca. If he doesn't want to be a part of this, then I don't want him around Luca. I do not want my son knowing that his father doesn't want him. I refuse to let him hurt him," Lovino had a new batch of tears welling in his eyes.

"How would Luca know?" Matthew whispered.

"Didn't you see in the sonograms? He looks like him, Matthew. He's going to know. And when I'm around Antonio, I can't breathe. I can't take my eyes off of him. I love him and I know I shouldn't. I know!" Lovino held his head.

"If you don't want Antonio around, he won't be around. Emma wouldn't do that. She cares about you. You may not realize it, but she does. She thinks what Antonio did was really shitty and she's not going to hurt you. If she knew he walked out on you and Luca, she wouldn't talk to him again. She has this thing about it. Most of Antonio's friends are kind of mad at him anyway. Emma moved in because he makes her uncomfortable. Look, Lovino, let us help you. Please," Matthew rubbed Lovino's arm.

"You know, I have about six weeks or so left. I don't think I can stretch anymore, but I always do. The first time I thought that I was twenty-three weeks," Lovino laughed softly along with Matthew. "Fuck, the human body is amazing. It really is a miracle."

"Biology is really something," Matthew agreed softly.

"But you know it's going to be amazing giving birth. Terrifying, but amazing." Lovino's breathing became ragged.

"Lovino?" Matthew ventured. Lovino made eye contact to let him know he was listening. "Do you…do you have anyone to be there with you through it all?"

"No," Lovino shifted. "There's no way Feli would be there. He'd probably faint. He doesn't do well with blood and stuff. I was hoping…I expected Antonio to be there."

"Well…I could. Be there I mean."

"Matthew…" Lovino hugged him tightly. "I don't…I don't know what to say."

"Say yes. You shouldn't go through that by yourself. You're scared. You need someone you know there to help you. I know you're prone to anxiety attacks and I know how to help you through them."

Lovino entertained the thought. He didn't want to go through that alone. Matthew was his best friend. He was always there when he needed him most. He could always count on him. And he wasn't asking Matthew. Matthew as volunteering. He was waiting for an answer. Lovino honestly did not know how to respond. He wanted to say yes, but was that really appropriate? Could he really do that? Matthew pressed him gently for an answer. Lovino laid down resting his head in Matthew's lap and nodded.

"I really wanted it to be Antonio though," Lovino whispered.

"I know. I know," Matthew cooed, rubbing Lovino's back.

Matthew suggested a movie. Lovino shrugged. He was so exhausted. He just needed comfort. He was so thankful for Matthew. Never once did he ever push Lovino away. He didn't even flinch when Lovino laid against him. He just comforted him. Matthew was the first person outside his family that Lovino had ever let his guard down around. Matthew never betrayed that trust. It was nice. They watched the movie like that. Lovino drifted off into a much needed nap.

* * *

Antonio pulled into the freshly paved driveway. The house loomed in front of him, trees surrounding the lot. He jumped out of the car with a smile. He glanced around and frowned that the contractor had not beat him to the home. He leaned against the car, lighting a cigarette. As the smoke filled his lungs, he felt his mind slow just slightly. The racing thoughts were getting to him. It was exhausting if he was being completely honest. He tried to shrug it off. He couldn't keep still. He bounced slightly as he bent his knees just barely before straightening up.

He checked his watch. It had been twenty minutes. Antonio rolled his eyes and put the cigarette out. Why was this taking so long? He needed to make sure everything was perfect. He needed to be able to show Lovino what he'd done. He let out a sigh and decided to walk around the property. His mind was moving too quickly for his body to be still. He closed his eyes trying to shake it. _Why was this happening? _He must have made a fool of himself in front of Lovino. He'd probably lost him. Why did he have to talk so much? It was okay. Lovino would see the house everything would be okay. It would.

He watched a doe run past in the woods just in front of him with two fawns. Birds sang and called to each other from the trees. If he took a stroll down the foot path, he'd find the river than ran through the property. The sunrises and sunsets were breathtaking. He'd sat on a bolder by the river the first time he'd found this place and watched them. At night you could see the stars. Lovino had never seen the stars before. The city lights polluted the sky and erased them. Lovino could finally see the stars. He'd be able to wish on them.

Antonio took a deep breath. He could breathe out here. His mind slowed just a bit more. Everything about this place was beautiful. It was peaceful. There wasn't the stress of the hustle and bustle of the city. Traffic wasn't a constant, grating hum in the background. It wasn't something one noticed after a while living there or if one had grown up in the chaos that was urban life, but Antonio knew peace. He knew quiet.

Moving to the city as a teenager had made his heart race with excitement. He'd loved it. There was always something to do. Lately the sound had drowned out the noise in his mind. Late nights at the clubs dancing to deafening pop and house music gave him a momentary escape. Colorful pills followed by throwing back shots to wash them down numbed him to the pain. The city had destroyed him.

The sound of a car pulling up to the house pulled him from his thoughts. He ran around to the front of the house, remembering to plaster a smile on his face. The contractor stepped out of the car, removing his sunglasses. An associate stepped out from the passenger's side.

"I'm so sorry for the wait, Mr. Fernandez. We got stuck in traffic," he explained shaking Antonio's hand.

"Nothing to worry about," Antonio responded with a laugh. "I've just been enjoying the quiet. How are you gentlemen?" Antonio rocked on his heels and turned toward the house.

"Can't complain. You said you'd like to close on the house today in order to get the interior designers in, correct?"

"Yes, sir. Especially now that I've found out I'm going to be a father. I need a good place for him to grow up and to bring his mother," Antonio tugged on his sleeves, still confused on how this all could happen.

"Well congratulations," the contractor smiled.

"Thank you. I'm very excited, but nervous."

"Sounds about right," the man chuckled. "Shall we?"

Antonio followed them inside. He took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of fresh wood and paint. Everything was just as Lovino had described almost a year prior. It was one evening after they'd eaten together after sex. They were laying on the floor of Antonio's apartment talking softly even though Francis and Emma were out. Antonio had asked him what he pictured for his dream home if money weren't an issue. It took some coaxing, but Lovino had finally described it while Antonio had drawn up the floor plan. He'd made a detailed list and told Lovino to keep it with him just in case it was ever a possibility. Lovino had been so cute that night. His eyes were sparkling. They enjoyed each other's time. There were so many stolen kisses. They'd had sex again before Lovino had to leave, giving the sweetest kiss Antonio had ever been graced with. He'd left the plans.

It was a mixture of modern and rustic. Wood beams made for a decorative touch leading to a skylight above the living room. Wood floor lined the downstairs. In the living room sat a large fireplace with a mantel big enough to hang stockings on Christmas. The kitchen, more for Antonio than Lovino, was huge with two stacked stoves and a closed surface cook top. Dark granite counter tops sparkled in a dazzling show. The flooring was wood linoleum for an easier clean up, but to keep the flooring consistent. The refrigerator was a black double door with an ice maker and water dispenser. The laundry room connected to the kitchen. Grey tile lined the floor. There was even a small cabinet.

Upstairs had a loft overlooking downstairs. There a total of five bedrooms. Lovino wanted guest rooms. Antonio had suggested the number. Lovino had just silently shifted. Antonio had reminded him about an expanding family. The flooring was carpet. Antonio knew it would be soft just by walking on it now. Each room had large bay windows. The full bathrooms were upstairs. All very modern and rustic to keep the theme.

Everything was perfect. Antonio signed the paperwork and took the keys. Finally he had the perfect home to show Lovino. He'd been working on this project since they'd broken up. He hadn't breathed a word of it to anyone. He spent his money in spurts during times when his mind raced and his body had very little need for sleep. His hope had been to win Lovino back, and if Lovino wasn't swayed, at least he could give him the home of his dreams. His Lovito deserved the moon. He loved him so much. He wanted so desperately for Lovino to want him, but if he didn't Antonio thought he'd be okay with that as well. He stood in the living room marveling the way the sunlight spilled in. Everything was perfect.

Antonio called the designer. Now it was time to decorate. He needed the house to be finished soon. Lovino would have their son sooner than later. Lovino had said less than two months. So that meant he had a month to get everything finished. If he could do less than that, he'd be happy. He wanted to surprise him. He'd have to find out what Lovino's dream for the nursery looked like. He wanted Luca's room to be perfect.

As he drove to meet with the designer, he contemplated just what it would be like. He could see the look on Lovino's face when he showed him everything he'd done for him. It was all for Lovino. He wanted to see his smile. It was truly the most beautiful thing Antonio had ever seen. Nothing could light up the world more than that dazzling smile and sparkling eyes.

Antonio could barely focus as he and the designer hashed through what each room would look like. Everything was becoming clearer. She had a program to lay things out to give a good idea of how the room would come together. Antonio couldn't contain his excitement.

"How long will it take?" Antonio asked rocking slightly.

"So everything seems to be in order. I need to order all we need to complete the design, but I would estimate no more than two or three weeks," she smiled and tapped her papers on the desk to get them in order. "I can see you're eager."

"Oh yes! I'm going to be a father! I just found out today. A little boy, can you imagine? I really can't wait. I want to get a playscape when he's older, so he can have fun. I'd like to do everything for him," Antonio smiled brightly with a giggle. He leaned forward and sighed. "A son."

"That's so nice. Congratulations," the woman smiled at her desk as she put things away. Her face scrunched and she slowly raised her eyes to make contact with his. "You didn't give me instructions on a nursery..."

"Oh, um, yeah, I know," he let out a giggle. "See, I don't know what his mother wants. This is all for them you see."

"Well of course. Just let me know when you have the plans ready."

Antonio nodded with an infectious smile. He zoomed out of the room and down to his car. His mind raced over plans of the house, Lovino, and the baby. The baby. He needed to get things for him. The thought resulted in the man making a u-turn and heading toward the mall. Lovino would love it. He just couldn't wait.

* * *

Matthew glanced at Lovino still sleeping on the couch. His heart broke knowing how hurt his best friend was. He kicked himself for not getting involved sooner. This wasn't something he should have let Lovino talk about when he was ready. Lovino had been scared and alone. He knew the whole time and allowed him to suffer in silence with nothing but awkward phone calls to fill the void.

He sighed and leaned against the counter top. His head was swimming. He had always thought Antonio was a good guy. He had always been a great boss. Matthew hadn't even known he was the boss for the first six months of working at the restaurant. Antonio worked alongside his employees and treated them all with such kindness and respect. He saw how he was with the chefs who didn't get the dish quite right. He sat with them patiently, walking them through it in a gentle voice with an encouraging smile. The wait staff he'd joke around with and buy them drinks. He'd invite them out. Every loved Antonio Carriedo Fernandez. Maybe that was the red flag he'd missed.

Sure the last few months he'd seen a side of the man he didn't like. He wanted to punch him for hurting his best friend. He talked badly about Lovino on a few occasions, but Matthew knew in the back of his head that it was out of pain of having Lovino leave him and break up with him. Antonio had less patience than he had in the past. He'd seen him fire a few waiters for spilling food or drinks everywhere. Antonio would have never done that in the past. In addition to the weird, misguided, untriggered anger, Antonio had many moments of talking so quickly that rarely did anyone catch everything he'd tried to say.

It was useless to dwell on the past. What was done was done. Lovino's life would forever be changed. Matthew wasn't sure if it was good or bad, but by god he was going to be there for him at his side. Since they'd met it had been their thing. It was an instant friendship which consisted of always being the first one to the other's side during hard times. Matthew felt guilty that he let things get to this point. He mentally kicked himself. It was partially his fault. Antonio had been right. If he could have just talked to Emma himself, he would have never introduced him to Lovino knowing that Antonio was interested. Lovino had ignored him, cursed at him, blown him off every time Antonio advanced. Matthew should have taken that as a firm no from Lovino's side, but no. He wanted to meet Emma and he was so in love with her. He had hoped their best friends respectively would have lasted. Lovino was happy, or so it seemed.

Matthew shook the thoughts from his head. Nobody could have predicted Antonio would have walked out. Antonio had a reputation for being the nicest guy you'd ever meet. He was fun. He was charming. He loved and lived life to the fullest. He would bend over backward for people. It wasn't anyone's fault other than Antonio's for Lovino being left like this. Matthew knew he was no good to Lovino if he entertained the thoughts any longer.

With a clear mind, he cleaned up the kitchen a bit and started cooking for when Lovino woke up. Matthew had noticed the cupboard, refrigerator, and freezer were slim on real food. The entire time he'd known Lovino, he rarely ate much. Growing up poor had caused his stomach to turn at too much food. Matthew and Alfred had spent the last three years trying to fix that and had been successful until Lovino left. Not eating was even more common when he was stressed. He found himself worrying about his friend's health and baby. Was Lovino still going on runs? Was he doing it like he did in the past? The idea of Lovino using it in a borderline self-harming way twisted Matthew's heart.

A knock at the door interrupted Matthew's dinner preparations. Lovino shifted on the couch and let out a soft groan. He pressed his stomach absently and settled back to sleep in a brief moment. Matthew opened the door and was shocked to find Antonio smiling at him with balloons, roses, and shopping bags handing from his arms. Matthew narrowed his eyes.

"Hola! Can I talk to Lovino? I really need to talk to him. I brought him some things. Is he feeling okay? Is the baby moving? I want to see him. Look!" Antonio buzzed. He fiddled with the bags and frowned when he didn't have a free hand. "Hold this please," he said politely trying to hand him the balloons. Matthew stood his guard, arms folded across his chest with a fiery glare fixed on the Spaniard.

"What are you doing here?" Matthew hissed.

"Matthew, do you know you're kind of scary when you're in a bad mood? You're usually really nice and kind and quiet, but then you get like this when you're upset or angry or something. Do you know that? It's kind of like when Alfred gets mad and stops laughing at his own lame jokes," Antonio's word ran together. He frowned, trying to peak around Matthew. "Where's Lovino?"

Lovino blinked his eyes open. Matthew was standing the doorway talking to someone. Matthew seemed angry, but the other voice just sounded almost frantic, but the tone was cheerful. It was confusing. Lovino rubbed his eyes and yawned as he pushed himself to sit up. He took a few deep breaths as he readjusted to Luca's head digging into his diaphragm. His ears perked up to the lilting Spanish accent. His breath caught and heart skipped a beat when his mind was finally wake enough to process it. Antonio.

Lovino awkwardly pushed himself up from the couch and waddled over to the door behind Matthew. Lovino pulled the door back. "Antonio…"

Matthew and Antonio stopped talking suddenly and looked at Lovino, each with a different expression. Matthew looked shocked and a bit worried. He started to put his arm out. Antonio's face perked up and his smile somehow got wider. He beat Matthew to Lovino. He thrust the balloons and flowers into Lovino's arm.

"I got you these!" Antonio smiled.

"Uh, thanks I guess. You just brought flowers…" Lovino hid the smile that threated his lips.

"I know, but I wanted to buy you more. These are violets and lilies because they're pretty and they reminded me of you," Antonio let out a small giggle. His eyes flicked to Matthew then back at Lovino. "May I come in? We have so much to talk about and catch up on."

"No."

"Yes."

Lovino glanced at Matthew. They'd both answered at the same moment. Matthew was still glaring at Antonio. It was kind of sweet how protective Matthew was of him, but at times it was a bit much. This was definitely one of those times. He laid a hand gently on Matthew's shoulder.

"It's okay, Mattie. Really. I'd like to talk him. Thank you so much for everything, but I just…I really want to talk to him, okay?"

Matthew glanced between the two. Lovino held his breath. He wanted nothing more than to get to know what was going on in Antonio's head. Why had he acted so strangely and then come back with gifts? Lovino had been sure he'd never see Antonio again like this. He'd always assumed it would just be in passing in town or at small get-togethers. Lovino swallowed. Was this moment really taking and eternity or was it his imagination? He really couldn't tell. Luca kicked suddenly and started being his active self. Lovino winced slightly. Luca's kicks were getting so powerful. He was sure his pelvis was going to be chipped from how often the bone was kicked. He couldn't imagine his bladder being much better from the assault it took.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked softly.

"Yeah, um, the baby just…" Lovino trailed off, his eyes falling to the ground. He hugged his belly defensively. He was torn. On one hand, he did want to talk to Antonio. He was desperate. He had longed for him for so long and now he was standing in front of him. He was so close. Another part of him, a bigger part of him, wanted to protect his child. What would this mean if Luca was abandoned? He couldn't take that.

"Is he moving? Aw, can I feel the little niño?" Antonio's eyes bored into his own.

"Uh..." Lovino took a breath. "Sure…" he whispered.

He handed Antonio's gifts to Matthew. Matthew watched silently. Lovino took Antonio's hand and placed it on his abdomen. He watched Antonio's face fill with glee and tears filling his eyes. He let out a laugh. Lovino let himself smile and enjoy the moment. His baby's father was feeling him move for the first time and even if Antonio walked out for a final time, at least he would know he was walking out a baby, a child, one that moved and was strong and fought. Lovino hadn't realized his hands were still on Antonio's until they moved. In a swift motion, Antonio's hands were on Lovino's hips and his lips brushed against his. It was over as soon as it began. Lovino blinked.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you just once. Do not make advances on Lovino if you haven't asked. If you haven't noticed, you two aren't together and you just walked out, so if you think you can just ki-" Matthew began.

"Come inside," Lovino choked out, glancing to his right and left.

He pulled Antonio in by the wrist hoping nobody had seen. Matthew followed them in slowly and closed the door. He wanted Matthew to leave, but he'd never ask him. And what if Antonio wasn't actually going to stay? What if things got bad again? He'd need Matthew. Lovino turned and sat on the couch. He stared at Antonio.

"Are you going to show me what's in the bags or not?" Lovino asked trying to be gruff and force a glare. He couldn't. Why couldn't he? That was him, wasn't it? What was wrong with him? Why had everything changed with that the beautiful, intriguing Spanish man and a baby?

"Oh yeah," Antonio laughed lifting his arms as though he'd forgotten they'd been there. "I am!"

Lovino heard Matthew let out an annoyed breath. He glanced toward him. He could tell he didn't approve of this at all. Lovino didn't care. He turned his attention back to Antonio, who had just sat down next to him. His eyes focused on the bags.

"I got you something for the baby. I don't know what you have. Do you have anything?" Antonio asked.

"No, I-" Lovino started before Antonio cut him off.

"You know if the baby's due in two months, it's really not good not to have everything ready. You could go into labor at any moment and while that would be bad, it's not unheard of you know?" Antonio clenched his jaw and looked away. "I'm sorry…I don't any business saying that to you."

"Whatever," Lovino tried to sound curt. He rolled his eyes. "I have had bigger things to deal with, like bills, but what would you know about that?"

Antonio's face fell. He played with his sleeve. Lovino instantly felt bad. Why? He needed to be himself. It had always been so easy. He couldn't let his guard down with him again. He'd shown he couldn't be trusted. Antonio nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry, Lovino."

"Yeah," Lovino mumbled. "Anyway, what'd you get?"

Antonio's face lit up at the question. "Clothes and toys! I was going to buy a crib and stuff, but I figured it would be better for me to take you or something. Maybe you can tell me what you want and I'll find the stuff? I really want this to be perfect for you."

Lovino sat silently as Antonio talked and went through the bags. Minute by minute Lovino felt more relaxed. He was smiling so much his cheeks hurt and he felt like he should be embarrassed, but he wasn't. Antonio and Matthew were the only ones around. They knew him, the real him. Not the closed off, defensive Lovino. The clothes were perfect. Lovino wanted to cry. He could already imagine Luca in them.

He wasn't sure if it was the fact that Antonio had bought so much for their son in a few hours or that Antonio was sitting in front of him seemingly more in love with Lovino than day one. It may have been the hormones, who knows. It was probably a combination of both, but suddenly Lovino had pulled Antonio to a kiss and pulled him down. Antonio's weight on his stomach wasn't comfortable, but Lovino didn't want him to move. He wanted nothing more than to have the satisfaction and release he had craved for all these months. He needed to get fucked. That's what it was. He didn't want sweet. He didn't want gentle. He wanted everything Antonio had. He needed it.

Antonio pulled away as the front door closed. Lovino whimpered wanted to pull Antonio back. Antonio glanced behind him and the back to Lovino with a dazed smile. Matthew was gone. Antonio stood up and put his hands on his hips. He was breathing hard. How long had they been kissing. Lovino pushed himself up, scrambling to his feet.

"So…I guess we made him uncomfortable," Antonio laughed and turned back to Lovino.

"Yeah…" Lovino muttered. His heart raced. He could feel his cheeks burning. His senses were hyper alert. He needed to pull Antonio back.

"So…Lovino, what do you want? I'm so confused. Are we back together?" Antonio rubbed the back of his head.

"Are you going to stay for Luca? Are you going to love us?" Lovino was shaking.

"I never stopped loving you. I'd never stop," Antonio said softly running as he cleared the distance between them. He brushed Lovino's cheek with his hand. "And I love our son. I can't wait to meet him."

"I'm sorry, um," Lovino stuttered and shifted. "Look, I…being pregnant…the hormones…"

"Lovi, you're so cute," Antonio giggled.

"I need sex, Antonio." Lovino let out the breath he didn't realize was building up in his burning lungs. He ached.

"Oh, um, sure."

"Oh god, finally!" Lovino grabbed Antonio and pulled him to the bedroom.

* * *

**_Antonio's back! So just to be clear, pregnancy hormones often cause people get hypersexual. That's what Lovino's experiencing. I'm really aiming for every 2 weeks. So please forgive me if I'm a little late. I'm getting better, but things still aren't 100%. _**

**_Hey I've never met you_**

**_and this is crazy_**

**_you read my update_**

**_so review maybe?_**


	24. Chapter 24

_**I'm updating so soon! *gasp* Things are starting up! Luca's on his way. **_

_**This is dedicated to my bestestest friend ever, David. Happy birthday, friend!**_

* * *

**35 Weeks**

Thunder rolled in the distance as the soothing, rhythmic sound of rain falling against the window made for the perfect background noise as Lovino read more of his baby book. As the date drew closer, he found himself reading more and more. There didn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Every second ticked closer to the arrival to Luca. He wasn't sure he was quite ready. He chewed his lip as his heart raced. He tapped the book with his thumb before quickly closing the book and threw the book aside. He pressed the palms of his hands over his eyes and groaned. Birth seemed like it'd be the worst experience. He glanced at his computer deciding to skip watching birth videos for the time being.

He glanced at his clock. Antonio would be there any minutes. The week and a half since they'd been reunited had been fun. They didn't talk much about anything real. It was as though they were both trying not to talk about the elephant in the room. Lovino had pretended that he wasn't upset with the situation. Antonio didn't even seem to realize there was anything wrong. Lovino was nervous to rock the boat much. He needed to just get past that new strange phase they were in. He couldn't get close. It was too risky. Everything was so tentative. _At least the sex is good_, he thought to himself.

Antonio strolled in the apartment calling a greeting to Lovino who nodded back, still unsure how he felt about the fact that the man would come into the apartment without knocking. He didn't even have a key, but Lovino was wary about locking the door. What if he fell asleep? Antonio set the food he'd brought home from work on the bar and cleared the space between him and Lovino. Of course he'd be the one. Lovino was too iffy to ever do that, but he did love the way Antonio's hands felt on his hips and the way his breath felt on his skin. The familiar taste as their lips pressed together. Lovino soaked it up as though it were a life source.

"How are you doing?" Antonio asked not letting go.

"Um, I'm okay," Lovino shifted.

Antonio glanced at the couch and smirked. He let go of Lovino and strolled over to pick up one of the pregnancy books that was lying on the floor. He flipped through the pages, a frown on his face. His eyes widened and he tossed the book aside letting out a nervous laugh. He ushered Lovino to the table.

"I brought food," he announced as he started to set it out.

"You always do," Lovino huffed.

"Do you not appreciate it? I could do something differently," Antonio paused, glancing at the food.

"No," Lovino rubbed his face as he tried desperately to wash away the fatigue and nerves. "It's nice. It's just that sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not used to eating very much and I do have a shit tone of craving and you never ask."

"Oh…" Antonio nodded. "So you tell me what you want and I'll make it for you before I leave from work, okay?"

"Si," Lovino muttered. He propped his head on his hand and picked at his food.

"Do you not like it?" Antonio asked sitting down.

"I haven't even tried it yet, Antonio." Lovino was abrupt. Final.

"Oh yeah," Antonio let out a laugh. "So are you going to try it?"

"It just seems like a lot of food…"

"Lovino, you're carrying our child. You need to eat more. You don't have any food in this house. Have you eaten today?" Antonio's eyes bore into Lovino.

"Yes," Lovino glared at his plate.

"What'd you eat?" Antonio asked absently, shoving food into his mouth. Lovino felt himself tensing with frustration.

"Feli and I had some soup. He's not feeling well, so I picked him up and we got soup," Lovino shrugged forcing himself to eat.

"He wasn't feeling well? Do you really think it's a good idea to be around him when he's sick? And with the chemo, I just don't think it's a good idea," Antonio shrugged.

Lovino had had it. He slammed his silverware down. He would have stood up, but that took too much time and wouldn't show the same message. He directed his glare at Antonio, his breathing shallow and quick. Antonio didn't seem to realize Lovino was angry. He just kept talking.

"Can you shut the fuck up?" Lovino hissed. "You think you can waltz in there after eight months and tell me what I'm doing wrong?"

"Whose fault is that, Lovino? You kept this from me," Antonio sighed.

"I kept it from you? I kept it from you?" Tears pooled in Lovino's eyes from the mixture of anger and frustration.

"Si."

"Oh hell no. I told you over and over for a month and you didn't care. You thought it was a joke. You told me that if it was real that I should get an abortion. You know what? Fuck you. You don't care. You never did and I just," Lovino let out a shuddering breath. "I would never get an abortion, Antonio, ever. But here's the thing, had I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to because I found out at twelve weeks. My brother has cancer and he needed and transfusion and bone marrow. That day, Antonio, that day I was filled with shock of finding out I could have a baby and guilt that I wasn't able to help Feli. My dad disowned me on the spot. Do you know that I went home and almost tried to kill myself and probably would have if Matthew hadn't been there? I was scared to death and there was no way in hell I was telling anyone else because if my own father couldn't accept it, then how could anyone? I was terrified. I am terrified. And when I worked up the courage to tell you, you laughed at me. I kept telling you and you kept laughing and then you got angry. So no, I did not keep it from you!" Lovino wiped tears from his eyes. Antonio blinked.

"Well I mean, it's not something I would think would be true. Lovi, I'm sorry. I am. I wish I could go back and fix things, but I can't. So I'm trying to be here now. I just want what's best for you and the baby," Antonio said gently.

"By telling me that I shouldn't see my little brother?" Lovino was shaking. "Do you not realize he's been the only person who's been at my side this entire time? Emma said it was okay as long as I didn't come into contact with his bodily fluids within 48 hours of him getting a treatment. I don't. I'm careful, okay? I've loved this baby from day one. I love him more than anything and I'd sacrifice the world for him, okay?"

"I know. I know, mi corazón," Antonio stood up and hugged him, kissed him on the cheek. Lovino didn't push him away. He wanted to feel his arms around him. He longed for the kisses and affect and comfort. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever," Lovino muttered, sniffling and wiping his tears away. "Just stop trying to act like you have any say in my life."

"Lovi, I'm confused. I thought we were alright? We've had such a nice time since I've gotten back. I love you and I'm so excited about that baby. I want a family with you and I'm really looking forward to everything. I just do feel like I've missed out on a lot of things," Antonio frowned and returned to his seat. He took Lovino's hand and squeezed it.

"It has been nice. I've loved it, I just…" Lovino shut his eyes and took a deep breath. "We haven't talked about anything. You don't know anything about this. I don't know where you're at. We need to know all of this before Luca comes and we haven't talked. Do you know that if I were to go into labor, he could be okay now? Like his lung may be developed enough for him to not have respiratory issues? And if he's big enough, he can stay with me? There is a risk of him being in the hospital for a little while, but if something were to happen things would be okay." Lovino smiled.

"Wow, no, I didn't," Antonio shook his head with a smile. "You want to talk, let's talk. I agree we need to understand where we are and get on the same page."

Lovino nodded and chewed the inside of his cheek. He talked to Antonio before. It was always with his breath and words stuck in his throat about serious topics, but this was worse. He felt his stomach knotting. He didn't want to eat. Nobody understood that. His stomach wouldn't let him. He was too nervous, too scared. But they made him.

"His name is going to be Luca Raphael Vargas," Lovino started.

"Excuse me?" Antonio's eyebrows knit. "So I don't have a say in his name? That's it then? You've decided. Vargas? He's not just your child, Lovino."

"And when have you made any effort to show me that you think he's yours? Yeah, you bought him some stuff one day. Big deal. I'd just rather not make things complicated."

"He's my son," Antonio said firmly, his stare sent a shiver down Lovino's spine. Lovino looked down at his plate and pushed the food around. "Eat, Lovino."

"I'm not hungry," Lovino muttered. He glanced up. "I know he's your son, but I don't feel comfortable giving him your name until you've shown me that you do care. I need to see that. Then he'll be called Luca Raphael Fernandez."

"Fernadez Vargas," Antonio corrected. "You put the father's name and then the mothers. It's customary in Spain."

"I'm not a mother," Lovino choked out.

"Lovino, you're pregnant. You're a mother," Antonio let out a small chuckle.

"I'm not a girl," Lovino whispered.

"Well yeah, I'm not saying you are. But I'm just saying that mother means something and I just don't know how to say it correctly."

"Don't do it again, please. It's already hard enough and I just can't deal with you telling me that. If medical staff want to say it, whatever. If I say it, fine. But you are not allowed to say that. Nobody else is allowed to say that. Please just respect my wishes," Lovino rubbed his temples.

"Okay…but Raphael? Seriously? How do you come up with Raphael?"

"Feli picked it. Raphael is one of his favorite Renaissance artists."

"So you let your brother pick my child's name," Antonio's jaw set and that stare that made Lovino's blood run cold was back.

"He's been there for me when nobody was. He-"

"No, see, that…" Antonio shook his head. "Can we not discuss it?"

"I don't know," Lovino groaned. "I like it."

"I don't."

"Then you should have been here," Lovino returned Antonio's stare.

"Okay, sure. You're right, but I'm here now," Antonio's face softened.

"And you have to show me. He's a baby, Antonio. He can't talk. He's so innocent and fragile and I don't want him to get used to you and then you go," Lovino was teary once more. He cursed himself.

"I would never leave you again," Antonio said. "You'll never be away from me."

"Prove it," Lovino said firmly.

"Okay," Antonio brushed his lips on Lovino's and wiped a few tears away. "You know even when you cry, you're beautiful."

"Shut up," Lovino whispered.

"So what else? Should I move in?" Antonio asked.

"I don't know. I don't mind you being here, but I don't think I'm ready for you to officially move in. I want you to be here for all the moments. Maybe after Luca's born. I know I could use help. I guess you can have a key." Lovino let out a shuddering breath and waited for Antonio's reaction.

"Fair enough," Antonio's eyes flicked away. "Tell me when you're ready, okay?"

"I will. So where is this going?" Lovino asked. "I need to know if this is serious. Are you serious? If you're even a little unsure, you can leave right now."

"I'm all in, Lovi. Every step of the way. Are you?" Emeralds' searched Lovino's face.

"Yes. It's going to take some time to get really comfortable, but I will fight my hardest."

"Good."

The two ate silently. Lovino tried to eat. He hated being forced. Feli, Matthew, Alfred, now Antonio. When would they stop? When would they just realize he knew more about his body and how he felt than they did? He never ate much. Stress knotted his stomach with vengeance. He knew he needed to eat more for Luca's sake, but this was pushing it. He did feel more relieved that they had talked. He felt himself relaxing. The defense coming down. He was still slightly angry at Antonio, but the past was the past. Antonio was here and he was ready. Lovino just had to trust him enough to let go of the baggage.

Antonio cleared the table, humming as he worked. Lovino hugged himself tightly as though to keep himself from falling apart. He was on the edge. He needed to be taken back. He glanced at Antonio who had now turned his attention to a text he'd announced was work related. He looked bothered. It was probably his boss. Lovino wouldn't know why anyone would look that way if it were anything else. He tapped his arms and stood up. He paced slight, closing his eyes and focusing on breathing. He was so thankful to Matthew for teaching him these ways to curb his anxiety. Antonio hung up and shook his head.

"You try to run a restaurant. Try to make the food perfect for your customers and your work environment fun and carefree and what do you get? The shipment didn't come. I have to go down there and try to fix everything. I'm so sorry, Lovi," he pulled his jacket on and hugged Lovino kissing him on the forehead.

"Why do you have to go fix it? You're not the manager," Lovino asked. He wanted so badly to beg for him to stay, but he couldn't do that.

"I'm the owner," Antonio shifted uncomfortably.

"You…You own that place?" Lovino whispered, his hands flying over his mouth as he backed away slowly. "You own, um, I can't say it…"

"La Lumière des étoiles," Antonio smiled sheepishly. "Yes, I own it. Sole owner and operator now." He rubbed the back of his head.

"You never told me that…" Lovino shook his head.

"I told you I owned a catering company. It's part of the restaurant."

Lovino shook his head and backed up even further. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. No. Antonio made too much money. Part of him was angry. Part of him wanted to run away. He refused to be looked down on by people thinking that he was only after Antonio's money. He refused. Money, especially that much money, made Lovino very uncomfortable. Antonio didn't even seem like he was rich other than the fact that he spent money like there was no tomorrow.

"Lovino are you okay?" Antonio asked gently.

"You…" Lovino took a shuddering breath. "You are so rich."

"I have a lot of money, yeah. I donate a lot of it. My parents force me to save and invest, so does my financial advisor and Gilbert. But I wouldn't say rich. I feel like rich has this negative connotation with greedy assholes that sit around doing nothing with their lives but torturing people. I don't hire my employees. I have managers do that. I don't want them to be intimidated. I like to hide that from everyone…" Antonio shifted.

"That's too much," Lovino whispered.

"No, no, it's a good amount. It's better than most and I pay my employees very well. Starting wait staff are paid twenty an hour. I…I don't like having too much of a profit. The meals are priced well. We only make a five dollar profit on each dish," Antonio almost seemed to be begging Lovino to understand. "I love to cook, Lovino. I worked at restaurants after I finished culinary school. I got a BSc in hospitality and a two year business degree. I wanted to know the side of it. Francis missed home more often than he got to go back since his dad is a diplomat and not a very well paid one. I decided why not open something that makes him feel a little closer to home? And I love it. He helped me come up with the menu and I have Spanish and Italian options. It's my only thing I'm proud of Lovino, and I don't want anyone to know."

"If you're proud of it why are you hiding it?" Lovino's voice wavered.

"Because," Antonio glanced up trying to keep the tears in his eyes from falling, "people don't treat you the same when they know things like. People take advantage of you and you don't know who really cares about you. I'm sorry if you feel like I lied to you. I did grow up well off, but I didn't use my parents' money for this. I took out a loan that I was able to pay back quickly. I'm sorry."

Lovino stared at the ground, rubbing his belly slowly as Luca moved gently inside him. He stared at the ground. His eyes panned up to Antonio's face. He swallowed trying to calm himself. He took several deep breaths.

"This might sound…might sound terrible, but I have to say it because I don't say it…" Lovino shook his head. "I have these terrible anxiety attacks, okay? I've had them since I was little and they get so bad that I literally don't feel real. I can't think. I can't do anything. When I had to sell my car and drop out of college because I had no idea how to support this baby otherwise and you told me to get an abortion, I panicked. It sank in that everything was over. And I had the worst one I ever remember having. Matthew didn't let me leave, but I ran out after he gave me his car. I…" Lovino took a deep breath. He hated talking about this.

"Lovi…" Antonio rubbed his arms. Lovino pushed him back.

"God, don't touch. Don't fucking touch me," Lovino started pacing again. "I was embarrassed. I couldn't go back. I ran out and I couldn't be honest with my best friend. I had nowhere to go. I parked in the parking lot of the hospital Feli was at in a lot far away so that I was away from the lights. That first night, I laid in the backseat of Matthew's car and stared at the lights of the city and I was so scared. I apologized to Luca because…" Lovino shook his head. "And I didn't eat. I didn't. I couldn't. What was I supposed to eat? I needed that money I had for Luca. The way I saw it was Luca would get what he needs. The body's smart like that. It makes sure your baby gets everything it needs. I figured what the hell? And I went to the food back the next day and everything made me nauseous and I choked it down anyway. And you're meaning to tell me that, that all that time, you had thousands in the bank?"

"Lovino, I'm sorry. If I had known…"

"I TOLD YOU!" Lovino shouted. He shook his head. "We were homeless and starving and you walked out."

"I didn't walk out," Antonio insisted. He took Lovino's face in his hands. "Please understand I didn't walk out."

"Yes, you did. You didn't believe me. You never wanted this. You left."

"You broke up with me. You shoved me out the door and I tried to call and you didn't talk to me until two weeks ago. I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have listened, but look, there's something going on and I don't know what it is, but I don't think clearly a lot of the time. Everything moves so fast or so slow."

"It's called drinking, Antonio. You drink so much." Lovino glared at him. He was so angry and hurt.

"Don't put it all on me and it's not my fault you grew up poor and I grew up well off. It sucks, okay? It really does and life isn't fair and if it were then you would be the first person, but look. I'm here. I'm here and you never have to worry again. If you want to go to school, go to school. If you don't, don't. But believe me you'll never worry again."

"And what about Feli? What about my family?" Lovino shook.

"You're not going to like this…" Antonio shifted.

"What?" Lovino's stomach dropped.

"I made a donation to the hospital Feli's getting care at. It was after that first night you told me. That next morning I called and I made a donation and I told them to give it to him first. I told them the best care for him because I don't want to ever see you like you were that night, terrified and lost. I wanted to help you make it okay," Antonio chewed his lip. "I'm sorry."

"You're…you're the one who made the anonymous donation?" Lovino's eyes widened.

"Si…I'm sorry, I should have asked."

Lovino threw himself at Antonio. He had no idea. Why was Antonio apologizing? Lovino had no idea. His brother was getting treatment and had gone into remission and in a couple years he'd be back to his old self. He Antonio to think for that. How many nights had he sat up wondering who the donor was? How many times had his family wanted to know so they could thank them? And Lovino had been in love with him this whole time, carrying is child. He wept into Antonio's chest.

"Thank you! Thank you! Oh god, thank you!" Lovino pulled Antonio into a kiss. Everything was coming together. It was so perfect! Antonio was the person he thought he was. He pushed the anger away. Antonio was an angel.

"It's nothing really. It's the right thing to do. No kid deserves that and insurance is useless," Antonio shrugged and rubbed Lovino's back. "But I really do need to go figure everything out at the restaurant okay? When I get back, we can talk more. I want to hear everything you have to say."

"Alright," Lovino smiled.

"I love you," Antonio picked Lovino cheek and walked out the door.

Lovino stood in the living room silently. The rain was still full force outside. Lovino closed his eyes and listened to the sounds. He could hear the life in the world. It had been a long time since had just listened. He felt himself relax. His breathing slowed to a calm in and out. His heart no longer felt as though it were about to burst from his chest. There was life in the world, calmness. It was the music of nature that he had talked about with Antonio all that time ago. Had it really been five months or so ago? It seemed like just yesterday and a lifetime at the same time.

Lovino decided to go lay down. Antonio wouldn't be home for at least an hour since he worked so far away. He flipped off the lights, making sure to leave the light above the stove on for when Antonio came back. Antonio had taken his house key, so Lovino locked the door and went to his room. He could feel Luca getting more active as he changed into his pajama pants. His head hit the pillow and stared at the window. His mind drifted to thoughts of labor and birth and breastfeeding. It was unsettling in a way, but also relieving and beautiful in another. He couldn't wait to meet his little boy. He rubbed his stomach as he thought. Luca always woke up when Lovino laid down. It was an annoying habit, but Lovino had learned to love the feeling of his baby moving. It reassured him that Luca was okay. His eyelids became heavy and his mind drifted with the sound of the rain. He whispered a good night to his son before being taken into his dreams.

* * *

The bed sank next to Lovino with the soft groan of the springs. Lovino blinked his eyes sleepily and smiled at Antonio who had just laid down and was adjusting the blankets. He ran his eyes over his body and snuggled close to him. He smelled so good. Lovino could detect the body wash and shampoo he'd used. Antonio wrapped his arms around him and kissed the top of his head. Lovino arched his head back to look up at the man.

"Did you get everything taken care of?" he asked softly.

"I did. It was a mess. I'm sorry I left you so long. I know you wanted to talk about things," Antonio frowned.

"It's okay," Lovino muttered. "I was asleep."

"You're such a sleepy mommy," Antonio laughed. Lovino sat up and swatted him.

"I told you not to say that! And as a matter of fact, it's hard work growing a human. You think you would have an idea, but I guess not," Lovino frowned.

"I'm sure it only gets more tiring," Antonio muttered. Lovino rolled his eyes and nodded in agreement.

"So what's the due date?"

"July 2nd." Lovino chewed his lip for a moment. "It's a little over a month and I'm so scared. Two weeks from now I'm going to be early term which means I could go into labor at any time. God, it's so scary. I can't wait to meet him though," Lovino smiled and hugged his belly. "I've waited a long time."

"I know," Antonio hugged him. "I'm going to take such good care of you after your C-section."

"I'm not getting a C-section…" Lovino said slowly. He stared at Antonio. "I don't want major surgery if I can help it, plus I was reading about it and the squeeze in the birth canal is really good him to get the amniotic fluid out of his lungs and stomach. It also help the PDA close."

Antonio blinked at him. Lovino's eyes shifted. He was confused. Was there a problem? Had he said something wrong? Antonio pulled his knees up and hugged them before looking back at Lovino with a dead stare. Lovino stared down at the bed sheets.

"You mean…you're going to…? From there?" Antonio's eyes were huge.

"Yes, but I mean except for a couple inches it's all vaginal. Dr. Evans, my OB, said that I'll push really hard, like good pushes until she can feel Luca coming out of the vagina. Then she's going to have me stop pushing and just let my body push him out because if you push once he's in the anal canal, it can cause tearing to that area and could severely damage the external sphincter. This way everything stretches very slowly. Then he'll be born." Lovino gave a weak smile. "I'm not so much looking forward to the delivery rather than just meeting him."

"You'd do that? Are you sure? What about sex? What about shitting? What about so much? Lovino, that is not okay. I won't let you do that to yourself," Antonio told him firmly.

"Okay, things go back. They heal. That area heals very fast. Honestly sex is going to be the last thing on my mind once I push out a six-eight pound infant out of my body. My body is made to stretch, so it shouldn't tear…but that is a possibility. She says that gastroenterology, specifically colorectal surgery, will be following up and I'll be in the hospital for a week rather than the standard twenty-four hours. Things should be okay, but they want to monitor just in case something goes wrong and they need to fix something. It's really going to be okay. I've read up on it and thought about it. I don't want surgery. I want to hold Luca after and nurse him as soon as I can."

"Nurse? Nurse as in breastfeed, nurse?" Antonio asked.

"Yes…" Lovino raised an eyebrow. "I've already started leaking a little bit at times, so I'll have enough for Luca."

"Lovi, I don't think any of this is a good idea. You should get a C-section. Just give him formula," Antonio stared at Lovino with a worried expression on his face.

"Look, I've done the research and I've talked to people on forums that are also intersex and I've discussed at length with Dr. Evans. This is easier and faster to heal from. I'll be able to bond with Luca."

"It's not a good idea!"

"No vagina, no opinion. It's my body and if I say I don't want to be unnecessarily cut into, then I'm not going to do it. If I want to nourish my child with the best possible food for him, I'm going to fucking do it, okay? Like it or not, I made my choices," Lovino snapped.

"Well, um, that's something I never thought I'd hear from my boyfriend," Antonio giggled.

"I'm serious. I'm not budging. And I want to do it without an epidural because epidurals can mess up your back and I don't want to risk it. I'm going to see how it goes because I know I may need it, but I want to at least try," Lovino wrapped the blanket around him.

"Lovino…" Antonio started.

"No, I've made up my mind."

"So we can't discuss this?" Antonio asked.

"What there to discuss? It's my body, my choice."

Antonio frowned. Lovino couldn't understand why this was an issue. Why were they discussing his birth plan as though Antonio was doing anything more than standing there? Antonio didn't have to deal with any of this. He got his fun of sex. Lovino had endured the last thirty-five weeks and another five more ahead of him for pregnancy. He was the one giving birth. He would be the one nursing Luca every 2-3 hours around the clock and he was sure he'd be the only trying to soothe his son. Quite frankly, it annoyed Lovino. Antonio shrugged and hugged Lovino, kissing him gently.

"You're right. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much. These are conversations that couples have together even if they aren't deciding together. I just wish I hadn't lost that time with you. I wish I would have been here the whole time. I'm sorry."

"I have something," he whispered.

Lovino crawled out of bed and took a small scrapbook from the top drawer of his dresser. Lovino hadn't told a soul about this. He sat down next to Antonio who pulled him be leaning on his chest. Lovino rested the book on his belly and took a deep breath. He let Antonio know he'd never shown it to anyone. In a way he was embarrassed that he had been so sentimental. He wanted to be able to look back and know that something had happened.

The first page had a picture taken about two weeks after that night. It had snowed that October. White flakes stuck to their coats, hats and gloves. Their bodies were pressed close to each other. Lovino was holding onto Antonio's jacket as they kissed. Antonio had snapped the picture. Lovino had gotten upset, but the picture was beautiful. Lovino remembered how happy had been. For the first time in his life he let his guard down and pushed away the fears he'd grown up with. He was with someone he wanted so desperately. His mind told him this couldn't go anywhere, but his heart had screamed louder. There was a little excerpt he'd written that was glued next to the picture.

"Two weeks…" Lovino muttered softly. "I was so crazy about you. It felt like I was high or something. I'd never been that happy before. It's embarrassing to admit it. I tried to hide it. Look at how happy we are." Lovino ran his finger down the page stopping where his pelvis would have been. "So much is happening in my body and we don't even know. You know what's crazy is I went to class and had pizza with my family and all this stuff and during that time your stupid sperm were attacking my poor, innocent little egg," Lovino frowned. Antonio giggled. "But when this picture was taken, it was done. It was somewhere between the fallopian tube and my uterus. Everything was going to change and we didn't even know…"

"It's really amazing though, isn't it?"

"Yeah…yeah, it is. It's a beautiful thing." Lovino stared at the picture a moment longer.

Lovino went through the book, pictures and little things he'd written littered the pages. Once he'd reached week twelve, sonograms started to pop up. Lovino looked more and more nervous as the pictures went on. Suddenly Antonio disappeared from the pages and baby bump pictures Feliciano had insisted Lovino take joined the sonograms. At twenty-five weeks, the small written memoirs were covered. Lovino wasn't ready to tell Antonio he'd almost given Luca up.

"So…that's what you missed." Lovino shrugged.

"You're amazing, you know that?" Antonio smiled at him, his green eyes sparkling.

"Obviously. You better not tell anyone about this."

Lovino closed the book and went to put it away. Antonio stopped him, his hand gently taking Lovino's arm. Their lips pressed together. Lovino melted into him. The book was taken from his hand and dropped somewhere. He didn't really care where. Antonio pulled him close by the hips. Lovino's nerves were on fire, his body suddenly begging for Antonio. Antonio broke the kiss to pull off Lovino's shirt. He suckled Lovino's neck for a moment before trailing down.

As Antonio stimulated his nipples, he felt his uterus tighten. Luca moved suddenly. He'd felt this before. In the past week and a half, Lovino had found his mind wandering during the foreplay to things he'd noticed before and never thought about like the gentle tightening in his pelvis, not genitals during this phase and the gentle throbbing sensation in the same place. His mind wandered to breastfeeding. Would it feel the same as Antonio's mouth playing with him, teasing him before taking him? If that were the case, he wasn't sure how he could handle breastfeeding. He refused to be turned on while feeding him. He'd have to stop. It was that simple.

Antonio stopped, panting and staring with an odd look on his face as he stared at Lovino's belly. He glanced up to meet his eyes. He gestured toward it. "It's moving. You can see parts of him against you. I'm sure I saw a foot."

"Oh, yeah, that happens," Lovino shrugged, trying to pull Antonio back to him.

"I don't know if this is a good idea. Won't he know? I think we should just go to sleep," Antonio glanced at his erection and groaned. "You still don't do blowjobs, do you?"

Lovino made a face. "No."

Antonio rolled his eyes. "You know that first night, you almost did. You kind of just stared at it and looked so nervous," he laughed softly. "Well you could take care of it for me. Like a handjob or something."

"No! No! Antonio, you can't do this to me. I'm pregnant and that causes me to want it all the time and now you've made it even worse, so finish what you started," Lovino pouted.

Antonio giggled and kissed him. "You've always begged for sex so much. I forgot about that. I used to try to stop on purpose back then, just so you'd look at me desperately and beg. It's so hot." Antonio smirked. "I'd never had that happened before until your first time. God, it's so hot."

"You did that on purpose?" Lovino gasped.

"It made it better, didn't it?"

"Shut up and fuck me," Lovino murmured kissing Antonio deeply.

Pants and underwear were stripped. Antonio broke the kiss and scrambled off the bed. "Let's try a new one." His eyes flashed playfully. Lovino only had a moment to start to ask before Antonio pulled him by the ankles to edge of the bed in a swift motion.

Lovino stared at him a bit shocked, but even more turned on. A new sex position. Lovino's large belly made things a bit difficult. Up to his point they'd been doing a modified doggie. Lovino had found he even had a hard time being on top like this. Anything new was welcome.

Antonio pushed Lovino's legs part and positioned himself in the middle, standing over him with a seductive smile. Lovino panted silently as he watched Antonio pull out the lube. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back as he felt Antonio's fingers slipping inside him. Antonio pumped them slowly in and out. The feeling alone made Lovino feel close. His body welcomed being filled with something.

"Goodnight, Lovi."

Antonio pulled out suddenly, causing Lovino to whimper. He walked away. Lovino felt tears in his eyes. He couldn't do this. How could he…? Lovino squirmed. His legs felt like jelly. He wasn't sure he'd be able to walk.

"Antonio, no! What are you…?" He called.

Antonio glanced at him and winked. He picked up his clothes and left the room. Lovino stared up at the ceiling. It would hard to even get himself off with how large he was. He mentally cursed Antonio. That asshole. Lovino felt the need to dump him. He let out a loud groan. He figured he'd just have to find that vibrator Feli thought would be such a great idea to give him…it was, but he'd never admit it.

"Just kidding!" Antonio laughed coming back in the room.

"I hate you," Lovino hissed.

"Aw, Lovi, don't be like that," Antonio laughed.

"Fuck you," Lovino pushed him away.

"I told you it was hot when he got all hot and bothered," Antonio smirked. He leaned over and kissed him. He ran his finger over him. Lovino whimpered and squirmed. He pushed Antonio away and bit his lip staring at the ceiling. Why was Antonio doing this? Was this some kind of sadistic kink? "If you want in, just ask," Antonio purred in his ear.

"God, you're a fucking dick…"

"You know it'll be better," Antonio giggled softly as he slathered himself in lube.

"Antonio, please, just do it," Lovino whined.

"Do what?" Antonio asked feigning innocence, barely pushing into him with tip of his penis, just enough to apply pressure, but not enter.

"Please," Lovino gripped his hair. He was coming undone. He just wanted it. He bucked his hips forward. Antonio took a step back, giggling just a little. Lovino wanted to kill him. "God, Antonio, please, please, please, please, just fuck me. Please…" Lovino begged, staring at Antonio with what he was sure was what Antonio wanted.

"My pleasure," Antonio smirked, finally pushing in. He stopped and glanced up at Lovino, who whimpered again. Why? "Um, where should I go?"

"I don't give a fuck…" Lovino squirmed.

Antonio pressed into him, pausing for a moment to hook Lovino's legs in his elbows as his hands gripped Lovino's hips. Lovino was so grateful when Antonio started thrusting slowly at first. He never wanted it to end. Antonio was going fast now. He realized where Antonio was. Antonio had been trying to teach Lovino about his own body, get him to learn where everything was and feel the difference. The orgasms were different. He preferred vaginal orgasms. The buildup, the intensity, the lasting high. He loved it, longed for it. Antonio gave it to him. He had been right. It was better.

* * *

**36 Weeks**

Lovino pulled himself from the warmth of the shower into the cool air of his room. He hummed softly and got dressed. He was always so happy when he had an OB appointment. He'd get to hear Luca's strong heartbeat and see him on the sonogram. He couldn't believe how soon it was until he was going to meet Luca. As the time ticked by, he felt himself more and more excited, but also nervous and scared.

Strong arms snaked around him. Antonio kissed his cheek and laid his head on Lovino's shoulder, rocking them gently. Lovino put his hands on Antonio's arms and leaned into him. He felt so safe and comforted. The nerves and fear melted away. All that was left was excitement and joy to meet his baby. He turned around and pulled away just a bit to face Antonio. His eyes sparkled as he looked up at him.

"Our baby is coming soon," Lovino whispered, a huge smile on his face. "I can't wait." His heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened he stepped back and started pacing. "Oh, god, Antonio we aren't ready! Is that furniture you ordered going to come in soon? What if he comes earlier than his due date? Antonio, we have to have furniture for him. And he doesn't have toys! You said he was going to have toys. You promised you got the ones from online. I'm not ready! I don't have a bag. I need to have a bag packed for when I go into labor. I'm going to be thirty-seven weeks soon."

"Lovi, everything will work out. I'm taking care of it. Things will be ready," Antonio assured him, rubbing his arms.

"But what if they're not?" Lovino asked, his eyes wild.

"He's a tiny baby, Lovino. We have clothes for him. He won't need toys for a month at least. He won't take up a lot of room. You can sleep with him in the bed. I'm sure you'd do that anyway," Antonio smiled, gently. "But things will be ready. Trust me."

"But you don't know when Luca will come. Babies come when they want to come," Lovino tapped his arms.

"It'll be okay." Toni kissed his forehead and smiled.

"Okay…" Lovino took a few breaths. "But if it's not, I'm coming after you."

"I know," Antonio giggled and kissed him gently.

Lovino leaned against him. He closed his eyes and listened to Antonio's heart beating and his steady breathing. He tried to match his breathing. It would be okay. It would, right? Toni would take care of everything. He felt his worries ebb.

"Wait, why aren't you at work?" Lovino asked, stepping away.

"You have an OB appointment, right?" Antonio asked with a bright smile.

"Yeah. I have to leave soon."

"I'm coming with you…if you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind at all. I'd actually like that," Lovino smiled. "It'd be nice not to go alone. I'm finding out some really important stuff today. They're seeing if he's flipped, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't. He's breech right now, butt first. If he's still breech, they're going to talk about turning him externally. And I'm also supposed to get swabbed for this strep infection," Lovino rubbed his arms.

"I won't miss it."

Lovino went to the kitchen while Antonio got dressed. He grabbed a container of apples out of the refrigerator and a small cup of peanut butter from the cabinet that Antonio had prepared and snacked silently. Lovino loved how thoughtful Antonio had been. He'd gotten groceries and premade snacks and meals for Lovino, each container enough for one snack or meal. There was a dry erase board on the freezer door with how many of each he should eat in accordance to the amount of calories he was supposed to be getting in. He was to check it off or Antonio wouldn't sleep with him. He'd simply spend the evening with him the go home for the night. It was a genius plan to remind him to eat, but it still felt too much. His stomach still turned at the amount. It frustrated Lovino.

Antonio walked into the living room with a smile on his face and glanced over the bar into the kitchen, letting him know it was time to go. Lovino finished his last bite of apples and peanut butter and followed Antonio to the car. The warm June air hugged him. It was comforting in for brief moments, but if he was out too long, he was miserable. He got in the car and waited for Antonio to pull up the GPS. He insisted on driving even though he had no idea where he was going. It annoyed Lovino a bit. He could drive and he knew where it was. Antonio didn't trust him with the directions.

The drive was nice. Antonio kept singing terribly to the radio. Lovino tried hard not to laugh and pretend to be annoyed. It didn't work. He ended up laughing when Antonio started changing the lyrics to make them sound ridiculous. Antonio grinned at him. Lovino smiled back. He felt as if they were falling in love all over again. Lovino laid his head back against the seat and stared out the windshield. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. In looked like the ocean was above them. Lovino smiled softly, unable to stop. It was a beautiful day to fall in love.

* * *

Antonio fidgeted where he was sitting next to Lovino in the waiting room. Lovino was reading yet another pregnancy book. He really didn't do much else it seemed. He didn't really expect much else out of him. He'd always been such a nerd. He loved it. He always looked so engrossed. His eyes rapidly scanned the pages as his brain soaked up the information. Antonio found that to be amazing. He had really never been one for educational reading.

He scanned the waiting room. A few women in various stages of pregnancy sat around flipping through magazines. Pamphlets were lying around in cases for people to take. Antonio scanned over them as he twiddles his thumbs. They had a pamphlet for what seemed like everything imaginable. He wondered why if there were so many pamphlets, why did nobody in the waiting room read them. Everything in Lovino's fancy baby books he'd checked out at the library were in these pamphlets. Why waste the time reading?

"Mr. Vargas."

A woman in purple scrubs with her long blonde hair pulled back into a tight ponytail took them back to an exam room. She took vitals and asked for any complaints he wanted her to let the doctor know about. Antonio watched the whole thing wondering how it was any different from a regular visit. The girl handed Lovino a gown and left the room. Antonio sat down while Lovino undressed and put the gown on. Why did Lovino have to be naked under the gown? It didn't make sense. Lovino sat on the exam table, hands clasped in his lap and his feet swinging as he glanced over at a poster about cervical dilation. The whole room was full of pregnancy stuff.

Antonio picked up a figure of a baby being born. He grimaced and played around with it. Lovino hadn't said a word since they'd gotten to the appointment. He rarely looked at him. He was bored and needed something to play with. He pulled on the fake baby and the fake pelvis flew across the small office, narrowly missing Lovino's face before crashing to the ground. Lovino glared at him and scolded him for being an idiot at the doctor's office. Antonio huffed and slouched in his chair. Lovino was so hormonal and moody these days. He really didn't get it. A woman came in the room, dressed in navy scrubs with a white lab coat over it. Her black, curly hair was pulled back. She greeted Lovino warmly, asking him how he was doing and feeling. They had a moment of excited talk about Luca coming soon. Antonio loved it and hated it. He wished he could have been a part of this journey. He wanted to meet his son, but these two were flat out giddy with excitement. It was nice to see that sparkle in Lovino's golden green eyes. The woman looked over toward Antonio and smiled even wider.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Evans. I'm Lovino's obstetrician. I don't believe we've met," she said cheerfully as they shook hands.

"This is Antonio. He's the father," Lovino muttered. His eyes flicked away from them.

"Oh…" The doctor looked shocked. She blinked for a moment before going back to her cheerful self. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Antonio wanted to hide. This doctor probably hated him. She probably found him to be a complete jerk. He wanted to disappear. He felt like he should leave, but decided to stay put. He wanted to a part of the journey, so that meant being present even when it's hard. He watched the exchanged between Lovino and Dr. Evans. There were a lot of questions and discussion. He winced as she took a swab of his rectum and vagina to test for group B strep. He wasn't really sure why it was important. There was a quick pelvic exam. Lovino looked so uncomfortable. Antonio was shocked since he sure seemed to like it during sex.

Dr. Evans had Lovino lay back. She draped a sheet over Lovino's legs and groin. He pulled his gown up to his chest. The doctor measured it from the top to the bottom of the bump. She smiled announcing a number that Antonio also didn't quite understand. It was all so jumbled. He felt bad he wasn't here sooner. He wished he felt comfortable asking questions. He kept silent as she palpated his stomach. She frowned.

"Your baby is still breech. I can feel his butt. He's in position he can be born vaginally, but it may need to be a C-section. Since your baby is small, I'd like to wait until next week before we try to turn him into the right position," Dr. Evans explained. Butt first? Antonio couldn't believe it. Weren't babies supposed to know how to be born? Did they know?

Lovino motioned Antonio over as the doctor rolled a machine over to Lovino's bed side. He took Antonio's hand and smiled up at him. God, he was perfect. Antonio couldn't understand why someone like Lovino could love someone like him. What did he really have going for him? Nothing he did went the wrong way. Why would anyone love him?

The thoughts were pushed from his mind as a clear jelly was squirted on Lovino's abdomen. Antonio felt his heart skip. He knew what this was. Lovino was getting and ultrasound! He got to see his baby person now! He waited anxious as she got everything together. She put the wand down firmly on Lovino's stomach. The room filled with a strong heartbeat. Antonio was convinced he never heard something like that. He smiled and squeezed Lovino's hand. Lovino smiled up at him.

"Here is your baby," Dr. Evans smiled at him.

Antonio stared, teary eyed. It was Luca. Really Luca. Not just and old sonogram. This was Luca, moving and getting ready for the world. He was beautiful. He wanted to meet him. He wished so much that it were Lovino's due date. Antonio wasn't sure he could wait. His heart swelled in his chest. He leaned down and kissed Lovino deeply for only a moment before Lovino shoved him away, muttering things. Antonio's eyes were glued to the screen now. He was in love. It was real. He was going to be a dad…and he couldn't wait.

* * *

_**Review maybe?**_


	25. Chapter 25

_**Wow, I did not expect this update to take so long. I am so sorry. Thank you to the guest who reminded me to update and a shout out to XxDarkAngelKnightxX for perfect reviews that get me smiling so wide and dumb I'm embarrased. They really gave me the motivation to write this in one sitting. **_

**_I started an amebela for this series. Heroes and Wives. It give you an inside look at what's going on over there and give more insight into Matthew and Lovino._**

* * *

**37 Weeks**

Sun streamed through the apartment sparkling off any reflective surface. A soft wind breezed through the open windows. Lovino leaned back against the couch taking in a breath of the fresh air. Despite June being so warm, he just needed to air the apartment. Indoors got stuffy. Growing up they didn't have air conditioning or heat. Windows open in the spring and summer were commonplace. He wondered how his mother did it. Being pregnant through the summer was awful. Maybe it was because she only endured a few months of Italy's summer. Lovino groaned softly to himself at the thought. He'd grown up with stories of Italy. He knew it was hot in the summer. Antonio glanced at him from the kitchen, a concerned expression his face.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine," Lovino snapped.

Antonio raised his eyebrows and mouthed okay to himself. Lovino glared at him. He had no right to act as though Lovino was being unreasonable. It wasn't like he was the one who could barely breathe because a baby was pushing against his diaphragm and into his pelvis while moving almost constantly. To say he was uncomfortable was an understatement. He stared up at the ceiling. He just wanted this baby to be born already. He couldn't take it any longer. He didn't want Luca to be born early though. He'd read that while thirty-seven weeks was technically term, it was recommended that no elective deliveries should happen before thirty-nine weeks because of increased risk of respiratory distress. Yet he was so miserable. He didn't want to walk, well it wasn't so much a walk as a waddle as Antonio liked to point out. It was definitely a conundrum.

Antonio brought him a plate with a sandwich and chips with a lemonade. Lovino took it muttering a quick thank you. The man plopped down next to him and took a bite. Lovino rolled his eyes and let out a sigh as he picked at the food. He wasn't in the mood. He really didn't want to eat anything. He wanted to lay on the couch and watch Netflix until he gave birth. He was so tired. He just wanted to sleep forever. Once the baby came he knew he could say goodbye to all of that. He'd be eternally exhausted until Luca was probably about to start school. He didn't want to think about it. He decided to sip his lemonade instead and stare at the blank television screen.

"Lovi?" Antonio asked softly.

"Hm?" Lovino glanced at him.

"I asked you if you're okay. You seem so…so…?" Antonio searched for a word.

"Annoyed?" Lovino offered. Antonio stared at his plate, shoveling a few chips in his mouth. "Well I am."

"Why's that?" Antonio asked. Lovino let out a laugh.

"Are you seriously asking me that question?"

"Well…yeah." Antonio mumbled. "I want to know what you're thinking Lovi. I want to know when you're upset and what's bothering you. We're having a baby together. You're my boyfriend or whatever you want to call it. I love you and I just…I just want you to help me help you."

"Well," Lovino turned to him. He grabbed Antonio's hand and placed them on his belly. A smile drifted over Antonio's lips at the movement. "It's nice, huh?" Lovino asked.

"Yeah," Antonio breathed.

"It gets really fucking old." Lovino sighed. "He never stops. And I know it's because he's healthy and strong, but honestly it hurts. Not so much him moving as him kicking. And I can't breathe. He's like in my fucking lungs. And I just can't do anything about it. My back hurts. My ankles are swollen as fuck. The baby furniture and his room are still not finished. You don't know a single thing about what I'm going through because you think that just because you have all those nieces and nephews and your family is so close that you learned that way that you know what's going on here. Except it's different. Because your sisters are cis women, Antonio. I'm over here going through something completely different. The birth is different. It's complicated. This is a high risk pregnancy. I'm scared to death and you won't even talk to me about it. You just get that stupid look on your face and wave me off, but Antonio this is different. I'd like some support. I'd like you to be active in this. Every time I tell you something I want, you try to make it about you as if you have any say in what I do with my body. If I want to give birth to him naturally, then I will. If I want to nurse him, I will. You don't have to do it, so why do you care so much? And don't you say that it's because you don't want me to have to go through that because let me tell you I've thought about nothing but what I'm going to do after Luca is born since I found out I was pregnant. Do you know what it's like to go from having all these plans about yourself and your future and then suddenly all you can think about, all you need to think about is this tiny human who can't do anything? And it is literally in the blink of an eye. Have you even told your parents? Do you even think of how Luca will change your life?"

Antonio was silent for a moment. He sipped his lemonade and kept his eyes down. Lovino watched him tearfully. He just wanted Antonio to say something, to support him. He needed to know that they were on the same page, that Antonio was taking this whole thing seriously. Ready or not, Luca was coming. Lovino had not been not scared a day in his life for the past five months. Every plan he'd ever had for his life was out the window the second he heard that impossibly fast heart beat come from his pelvis.

"No." Antonio whispered.

"No? That's all you have to say? No?" Lovino stared at him.

"I haven't told my parents. I haven't told my family. My friends know. I told them. My coworkers don't know. Nobody knows besides Gilbert, Francis and Emma." Antonio said softly playing with his chips. He raised his eyes to Lovino's. "You don't know what it's like to just," Antonio bit the insides of his cheek. "My family is strict Catholic like yours. Me being bi...I try to make it sound like that was easy, but it wasn't. My dad wouldn't look at me. My mom cried. My siblings were so mean. Anything from slurs to telling me I need to pick one. You know I didn't tell them. They walked in on Francis and I. My brother, Lando, and Maria. And immediately ran to my parents. It was a year, Lovino. A year before anyone in that house except for my mother who is literally the perfect woman talked to me. When people at school found it, it was fine. I was popular and everyone loved me. It was Francis who got it. And I'll never forgive myself for not stopping it. For watching people hurt him. And I broke up with him. I broke his heart and you could see it on his face, but for some reason he stayed my friend. I could have stopped it. I was scared. I didn't want that. So I started dating Em. I didn't love her at the time. I just needed people not to remember because I couldn't deal with that. Gilbert, Gil who you'd never in a million years would be mature or responsible was the one who called me out. He always calls me out and puts me in line. He told me that I needed to stop being a fucking coward and help my friend because Gilbert could only get into so many fights before his dad got pissed off. His dad wasn't a great guy. One day in high school some people were messing with him. Throwing him into lockers and stuff and I went over and I grabbed him by the shirt, slammed him into the locker and kissed him. And when I pulled away, I stood in front of him and asked them if they were going to mess with me. Nobody hurt him again."

"You never told me," Lovino breathed. "I would have understood."

"Except you wouldn't. We have completely different lives, Lovino. You think of me as this larger than life person. I could tell when you looked at me. You looked at me and thought I was everything you'd ever wanted in life, but why? I'm nothing, Lovino. I'm this piece of shit person. You think I'm a good person, but I'm not. I use people and I hide behind things. And I just, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to let you down. I didn't want that image you had of me to be lost. I…I don't deserve. I don't deserve anything in my life. And I'm always fucking up. I'm always doing something wrong. I can't ever do a damn thing right and, Lovino, I don't want to add another thing to the list of things I have messed up in my life."

"So that's what you think this is? A mistake?" Lovino interrupted tears in his eyes. "Nobody's forcing you stay, Antonio. I don't need you. I don't need your fucking money. You can leave and you don't have to tell anyone about anything. You let your best friend get the crap knocked out of him! Who does that?"

"No, no, Lovino, no. It's not that. You're not a mistake. Luca's not a mistake. Me. Me running out. Me ignoring you. Because I was scared." Antonio was shaking. "And I wanted to blame you for me running. I'm not a good person. I can be so manipulative and I get what I want. I'm just…I'm not a good person and I'm trying to get better. I'm admitting it," Antonio raised his eyes. "I understand if you want me to leave."

Lovino stared at him, his mouth hanging open slightly. He didn't know what to say. Antonio wasn't who he portrayed himself to be. He wasn't that perfect person Lovino had once thought of him as. But he was being honest. He was finally admitting to what he'd done. He was apologizing. Lovino glanced down at his stomach. Maybe Luca was the reason he was changing? Maybe seeing him for the first time had gotten through to him. Lovino pulled Antonio into a kiss ignoring the spilled food going everywhere. They were more alike than Lovino would have ever imagined. Antonio pushed him away, a confused look on his face.

"Lovi, I just told you I'm a bad person. Why are you kissing me? Any sane person would run from me. You're kissing me?" Antonio shook his head.

"You want to change because of Luca," Lovino almost laughed from the happiness welling in his heart. Antonio glanced down.

"I just want to change," Antonio muttered.

"Which is a step." Lovino grinned. "So will you tell your family about our baby? Please? I want to meet them too. Luca's family. Isn't that great?"

"Lovino…"

"He'll have this huge family who will love him and care for him. He'll have cousins to play with. It will be so nice for Luca. Will he get to see Spain? Can we go to Italy? I know you said your family travels a lot and isn't Italy not far? Can I come with you? Where do they live? How far?" Lovino was so excited, he couldn't contain himself. He was acting like his brother and he really didn't care.

"Lovino, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go with me. It could get ugly and I don't want you to be around that, especially not in your condition."

"Condition?"

"You know…pregnant. Very pregnant. They would upset your otherwise, but pregnant…I can see you being crushed. And the stress could cause you to go into labor. I just don't think it'll be a good idea. You can meet my mom. Maybe my dad, but you cannot meet my brothers or sisters." Antonio stared at Lovino seriously. Lovino just couldn't understand why Antonio was so adamant, but he nodded regardless.

"Great. I'm actually supposed to meet my mom for lunch if you'd like to join us." Antonio had a bright smile on his face suddenly.

"When?" Lovino asked.

"In two hours," Antonio said glancing at his phone.

"I…My OB appointment is in two hours. They're going to see if he flipped. I'm sure that he didn't, so they're going to try to move him. I could go into labor. It's going to hurt and I'm scared and I thought you were going to be there…" Lovino frowned, rubbing his belly.

"That's today?" Antonio's eyes were wide. "My mom took off of work for this. I'm sorry, I can't go. And besides I have things to sort out at work after. I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was today."

"What if I go into labor and you're not there?" Lovino asked tears quickly filling his eyes. How could Antonio forget?

"Just call me. It's your first baby. They take forever to come."

"What if he comes fast?" Lovino challenged. "It's not always slow."

"Just call me." Antonio smiled and kissed Lovino's forehead.

"Then I'm going to go pick up my brother because I'm not about to go alone and he's been here every step of the way." Lovino pushed himself up, groaning as his hips adjusted to the weight. He rubbed the underside of his stomach and fought back the urge to cry out. Ligament pain was hell. He could barely stand it.

"Let me take you. I don't want you driving that far alone."

Lovino agreed with a huff. Antonio smiled, jumping up and racing to get his shoes. Lovino rolled his eyes. Show off. Lovino felt like he took ten minutes to get up and Antonio over here jumping up off the couch like a bolt of lightning. Lovino huffed once again and called his brother to let them know they were over. He was glad his father never answered the phone these days. He couldn't stand talking to him. Sure, he had apologized. He said he wanted to know Luca. But still Lovino just couldn't find it in him to forgive Roma for everything he had done. Lovino had needed him and what had he done? He turned his back. He could rot for all Lovino cared. He swore he'd never be that father. He'd never turn his back on his children, unless of course they killed people for no reason. Feliciano sounded so excited.

Antonio and Lovino drove silently, Lovino was a mix between tired and scared. He couldn't help thinking about what was going to happen. He'd looked into what would happen. Forums said it was painful, while other people said it wasn't. He was just nervous. He knew it could cause labor. He could have it not work and Luca would still be breach. As long as he was where he was now, Luca could be born the way Lovino planned. The idea of a breach birth scared him though. The whole point of the baby's head coming out first was that the largest part came out first so everything could follow for a safe delivery and the baby wouldn't be oxygen deprived. What if Luca was born and his lungs weren't okay? What if there was a problem they didn't know about prior to the delivery? The what-ifs rant through his head.

"What are you thinking about?" Antonio asked, taking Lovino's hand.

"Just…It's so close." Lovino sighed and looked out the window. "I'm just scared, okay?"

"It will be okay. I promise." Antonio kissed the back of Lovino's hand and smiled at him. It put Lovino at ease.

As they drew nearer, Lovino told him which exit to take off the highway and began directing Antonio through the city. Businesses and homes off the highway were new and attractive. They drove past gated apartments with beautiful flowers. Streets were clean and well maintained. Lovino watched everything passing by remembering what it was like to walk past this area with Feliciano. They used to stand in front of the large houses and talk about how one day they were going to live that life. Feliciano dreamt of being a famous artist and Lovino would be a doctor. They'd live lives in high society. At least Lovino might have a chance.

The huge cathedral was on the left. Stained glass windows bearing saints shown down on them. Lovino couldn't help but let a small smile flicker on his face. The huge cross loomed above the church, a symbol of peace and promise to Lovino. He practically grew up in that church. He spent countless hours doing homework in the pews while Feliciano played or learned a new play. The head priest had been a second father to him. He could always be open with him, after all he did listen to Lovino confess his sins every week. He remembered his communion, how proud he felt. His heart had been so full. He had hoped so much that his prayers would come true and he'd be cured of whatever was wrong with him. He wanted so badly to see his mother again. Maybe if he was just good enough… And the look on his father's face as he was confirmed into the church. Lovino always took it seriously. He knew so many verses by heart, he was sure he had memorized the full Bible. He could practically smell the wooden pews and the scent of the candles burning. He crossed himself subconsciously as he had every day when he entered. The dip of holy water on his hands as he did so. Feliciano had never cared. Lovino hoped Luca would learn to love it as much as he did. After all, he'd be baptized there.

Antonio made an offhand comment about Lovino being such a Catholic boy. Lovino rolled his eyes. He didn't understand why Antonio mocked it, or Feliciano for that matter. He took his religion seriously and if they chose not to, that was between them and God. Lovino believed it with such conviction. He held on to Catholicism for dear life as though it were the only way to keep breathing. Honestly it was. Lovino had known the depths of hell on earth. He'd known what if felt like to want to give up, to just cease breathing. Had it not been for church, for his Bible that he had read to the point of the pages being stained by the oils on his fingers, he probably wouldn't be alive.

He never forced it upon anyone. He wouldn't do that. He kept it close to his heart, not daring to tell a soul they were wrong. He'd watched people do that his whole life and he never understood why. Jesus wouldn't have done that. He had never forced anyone to believe in anything. He never judged. Yet Lovino had sat in that church when words spread he was gay. He felt their judging eyes like daggers. He heard their whispers as screams. And suddenly the air was thick and he couldn't breathe. His father hadn't looked at him that day. Feliciano was oblivious as usual. Roma and Lovino had rode on the bus silently. Lovino clutched his Bible in his hands praying that he could be saved. He had gone to his room straight away and let the tears fall down his cheeks. He'd been so angry. And he sat down and read, tears falling on the worn pages. He felt like he was being spoken to and told that it was okay. Roma had called him into the room. He's asked him if was gay, though he used such a dirty word. Lovino had looked him straight in the eyes and said no. He denied it. He hoped that if he didn't admit to it, it would go away. And here he was.

"It's not a punishment…" Lovino whispered to himself, turning his eyes toward the blue sky.

"What?" Antonio asked turning the radio down.

"My dad, so many of the congregation, they said this was a punishment for me giving into the temptation of the flesh. It's not." Lovino turned to beam at Antonio. "It's a gift."

"Lovino, it's not a curse or a gift or whatever. God had nothing to do with it. Things happened. I don't understand why you put so much thought into it. I mean those people hate you. That religion says you're going to hell because of who you love. Why do you want to be a part of that?" Antonio shook his head. "I need to know where I need to go. You can entertain your thoughts later."

"That's not true," Lovino said softly. "Because, because when Jesus died sins were washed away. And I try so hard. I pray and go to church and read and I just realized."

"Lovino, I need to know where I'm going," Antonio threw his head back as the car moved at a snail's pace.  
"I don't get mad at you for your beliefs…" Lovino muttered. "It's important to me and I want to raise Luca in it and when he gets older he can make his own decision, but it's important to me. I have so much there. I wish I could show you inside. You've never been here. You go to St. Mary's for all the big things like Christmas and Easter. You've never been to this one."

"All churches are the same and for the love of god Lovino, where am I going?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and huffed, glaring out the opposite window from the cathedral, trying to hold back tears. He gave Antonio the directions. Soon the nice, cute neighborhoods turned into old, outdated buildings. The further in the drove, there were buildings being tagged. Graffiti covered almost every surface. People were walking down the streets yelling at people wearing a different color. Obvious drug deals were going on in broad daylight. Nobody cared. Buildings were falling down. Bars were on the windows of shops. Sirens could be heard. Police cars swamped the area.

"L-Lovi, are…are you sure we're in the right place?" Antonio's voice was shaky. His knuckles were white from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel.

"Yeah, just relax, okay? If you don't look anyone in the eye, nobody will think you're trying to start stuff. They don't know you. So you can't act tough, okay? But you can't act like you're scared. You have just act normal, okay?" Lovino instructed, his eyes on a pair of men smoking on the corner. "Just turn here."

Antonio's breathing was so fast. Lovino could tell he was scared. Lovino had grown up here. It really wasn't so bad. He knew it looked that way, but it was simple. He had never felt safe in this neighborhood, but then again, he didn't feel unsafe. There was no difference between hear and the nice area except that people here didn't pretend to be 'helping' him. People here just wanted to mess with him. They wanted to scare the little Italian 'homo' a bit. Ask him to suck them off. Throw him against walls, but they never hurt him. Not like the kids in school. Not like those rich holier than thou pretentious jerks he went to school with. People here thought he and Feli felt they were too good for them. Roma had somehow gotten Lovino and Feliciano into a good school, one that made you wear uniforms so the boys didn't have to worry about what they'd need to wear. Fridays they could wear whatever they wanted.

"This is it."

Lovino motioned to a tiny white house. It was hold, barely hanging on. You could see slits near the windows where the elements had abused the house to the point of bending to its will. Paint was chipping off. Shingles were missing. Other than that, it was okay. Lovino started to get out of the car when Antonio stopped him.

"No. No, you stay here. I'll get him. I can see you from the door, but I don't want anyone hurting you." Antonio's voice was almost frantic.

"Antonio, I grew up here." Lovino blinked at him.

"Just stay here," Antonio hissed.

Lovino rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. He watched Antonio almost run to the door. He was looking around with a scared expression on his face. Idiot. Lovino was just waiting for someone to come hold him at gunpoint asking for his money. He wasn't acting like he was from here. He was dressed too nice, but not with the presence that he was anything but a scared rich boy who'd never been to the bad part of town. Antonio knocked on the door, rocking back on his heels. Lovino couldn't take his eyes off of him. Pregnant or not, Lovino would step in. He knew the people in this neighborhood. The door opened, but the screen door stayed shut. Lovino could see his father on the other side. He peaked over Antonio's should toward the car. Antonio shook his head and glanced back. Lovino tried to slide down in the car, but it was difficult with his pregnant belly. He was relieved when moments later, Feliciano bounced out the screen door, a smile on his face as he rushed to the car. Antonio followed slowly behind.

Feliciano threw the back door open and pounce hugged Lovino from behind. Lovino laughed quietly before telling his brother to leave him alone. Feli was talking so fast. Lovino knew he wouldn't get him to shut up if he paid him. His brother had a problem with that. He had to finish what he was saying even if he wasn't saying anything at all. Lovino on the other hand used his words sparingly. He listened to his brother talk about random things, going from one topic to the next just because he'd said one word that started a completely different thought process. Lovino smiled. Feliciano was having a good day. There weren't so many of those. He needed to enjoy the moment while it lasted.

* * *

Lovino tapped his fingers on the bedrail anxiously. The hospital gown felt strange on his skin. It was awkward having his back exposed. He felt so vulnerable. The fetal monitor connected to his abdomen with a belt like strap held in over his belly. The medication they had given him to relax smooth muscles were starting to take effect. He wasn't sure what was going to happen. Everything was so scary. He needed Antonio. Why wasn't he there? How could having lunch with his mom be more important than being here for him and their child? His heart raced and his breathing became shallow. He chewed his cheeks, tasting blood. He couldn't sit still.

"It's a really pretty day, huh, Lovi?" Feliciano asked, snuggling up beside him. He laid his head on Lovino's chest with an arm across him. He stared out the window, a small smile dancing on his lips.

"Huh?" Lovino was pulled from his thoughts.

"Look out the window. The sun is so bright. The clouds are so puffy. Oh! That one looks like a kitty, huh?" Feli let out a soft giggle.

"Yeah…I guess…" Lovino stared out the window. He and Feliciano used to try to find different shapes in the clouds when they were younger. Feli used it as a way to calm him.

Dr. Evans came in with another doctor who was introduced as her colleague, an OB named Dr. Solis. The procedure was explained again. They were going to push Luca up out of his pelvis and both were going to attempt to turn him. Lovino let out a shuddering breath as his brother scrambled out of bed, having to be helped by Dr. Evans. Feliciano swayed a bit, steadying himself on the bed. He smiled and sat in the chair next to Lovino's hospital bed.

"It'll be okay, Lovi," Feli assured him, taking his hand. "Just breathe."

Lovino hoped so. He took a few breaths and nodded to signal he was ready. Lovino closed his eyes and focused on breathing. The pressure and pain radiating through his stomach as the doctors pressed and pulled, hands digging deep into his stomach. Tears pricked his eyes. He let out a small whimper and bit his lip. He was in so much pain. He couldn't deal with it anymore. He wanted to push them off. Were they hurting Luca? If he was in pain, surely Luca was too? He pushed them away, and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes as he cried. It hurt too much.

"Are you okay, Lovino?" Dr. Evans asked softly.

"No…it hurts so much. You're hurting Luca," he sniffed.

"I assure you that he's okay. He has plenty of amniotic fluid to cushion him. You're providing him a wonderful home. He is so comfortable," she offered a smile. "His heart rate is good and he doesn't have any signs of distress. I'm going to just see what position he's in, okay? We'll give you a break and try again."

Lovino nodded. He wanted Antonio. He needed him. Honestly at this point he wanted to scream at him. How dare he not be here? Lunch? Work? What was so important about that? He owned the fucking place. Couldn't he just tell his manager to take care of it for a few hours while this procedure was done? Did he have to send a fucking seventeen year old? Feliciano was so sick. He was so weak. He had just started another round of chemo outpatient. The tiny amount of auburn fuzz that had started to grow back as going to fall out again as was the cycle. Did Antonio really have to do this? Lovino was sick of it. He was angry. Tears pricked his eyes. Fuck Antonio. Fuck his stupid restaurant and his stupid friends and his stupid social life. Why did he get all those things when Lovino's whole life had been derailed by him? When he had to throw away his dreams because Antonio made a choice for them both. Why did he get to go out and party and have fun when cancer had stolen that from his brother? Cancer sucked out his brother's light and Antonio got to do it all. He got his dreams and his life and his fun. What did he know about suffering? About sacrifice?

"It looks like your baby is now lying sideways. We definitely need to flip him when you're ready. I know you don't want a C-section," Dr. Evans frowned.

Lovino nodded, tears falling from his eyes. Feli was saying something to him. Dr. Evans was talking, but all Lovino could think about was Antonio. He loved him and hated him all at once. He was consumed by everything. It wasn't fair. Sure life wasn't fair, but couldn't things be a little easier? He found himself angry at everything suddenly, hated everyone. His grandparents for throwing his parents out. He hated his mother for ignoring her illness and dying, leaving him to pick up the pieces. He hated his father for putting that on him, for making him feel like he wasn't good enough, for turning his back on him. He hated the priest who told him if he was really good that God would let him be with his mother forever in Heaven. He hated God for taking away his mom, for making him grow up poor, for making him gay, for allowing him to get pregnant, for giving Feliciano cancer. He hated Feliciano for getting to have fun and have friends and for being sick. He hated Matthew for not trying harder. Alfred for obviously knowing and not helping and for joining the Marines. He hated Antonio for everything. But most of all, he hated himself.

He felt a strange movement his in abdomen. He winced as Luca twisted and turned. His stomach bulged and moved roughly. Suddenly he could breathe. His stomach stilled. A sharp pain in his pelvis made him hiss. A kick to the ribs. Lovino's mouth hung open slightly. Had…had Luca just turned? He shifted trying to make the dull ache in his pelvis stop.

"Dr. Evans…" his voice was small. "I…I think he just flipped." Her eyes widened. She felt his abdomen and a smile spread across her face.

"He did in fact flip!" she smiled. "Congratulations! Not only did he flip, he also engaged in your pelvis. He's got himself in there pretty good, nice and deep. He's getting ready to be born."

Lovino let out a soft laugh. Luca was where he needed to be. He was in the safest place, the safest position. Little Luca knew what he needed to and now he was preparing himself to be born. Lovino was so proud of his little _bambino. _He wasn't sure whether to be happy or scared. He was both at the same time if he was being honest. Luca. The only thing in his life that mattered. The only thing in his life that was pure and good. He wanted to hold him, to see him, to kiss him and tell him how much he loves him. He just wanted Luca.

Dr. Evans left the room letting him know they would monitor for about an hour to make sure the procedure didn't cause him to go into labor. Lovino could only think of his sweet baby boy. The sonograms showed more and more detail. He was starting to picture him. He wondered what color his eyes would be. Antonio's were an emerald green. Lovino had green eyes that changed depending on the mood or season. Golden, golden-green, bright to dark greens. Lovino didn't know about the rest of Antonio's family, but his family was made up of brown eyes save for him. Luca would probably have dark hair like both him and Antonio. Lovino already knew Luca was going to look so much like his father.

Lovino closed his eyes, smiling, when he felt the first contraction. His eyes flew open. It wasn't like the practice ones he'd been having. This was real. It started in his back, tightening hard toward the front. He noticed his stomach seemed to stand as the muscle pressed Luca downward. His pelvis ached. This was real. He tried to tell his brother, but he couldn't speak. He just breathed and whimpered. It was happening. He was going to have Luca today. Nothing was ready.

He wasn't ready.

* * *

Lovino groaned as he gripped the rail of the bed as another contraction hit him. He'd been at this four hours. They were inconsistent and ten to twenty minutes apart lasting anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute. Dr. Evans assured him this was only early labor. She mentioned that sometimes nature would stop the labor. He wasn't so sure. He breathed through the contraction, tears in his eyes. Ordinarily, labor rooms were for active labor patients, but Dr. Evans wanted Lovino in a room. She claimed that with it being high risk, she didn't feel comfortable leaving him in triage, but Lovino knew it was because women wouldn't like to hear the sound of a man groaning.

"Have you texted Antonio again?" Lovino asked his brother softly as the contraction left him. "He said he was coming. It's been so long."

"Si, he says he's in some kind of an emergency and he'll be here as soon as he can." Feliciano frowned.

Lovino wanted to scream. Luca could be coming soon. He just needed Antonio to be there. He needed him to hold him and tell him it was going to be okay. He wanted Antonio comforting him and reassuring him. He just wanted him here because they were supposed to love each other and this was supposed to be the most important day of their lives. Antonio didn't even act like it was that big of a deal to him that Lovino was in labor. Their son was coming and where was he? Some emergency? If he wasn't dying or hurt or saving someone's life, Lovino would never forgive him.

A nurse popped her head in with a smile and asked how he was doing, checked up on Luca and Lovino's vitals for any signs that something was wrong. Lovino was relieved that Luca was doing okay. She looked at the monitor and gave him a cheerful grin tell him his contractions were getting stronger and he could go into active labor soon. While this should have been good news, Lovino didn't think so. He was scared. The contractions were so painful. He couldn't imagine what they'd feel like in active labor. Lovino groaned when she told him he hadn't dilated at all. Antonio was right this was going to be a slow delivery.

Feliciano talked to Lovino. They laughed at the stories his brother had from the hospital, other kids. Little kids called him the giant thinking that he was supposed to be their age. Lovino was so grateful how Feli could be so positive. It really helped him. The two brothers were day and night. Lovino worried about everything. Feliciano was carefree. He faced every problem with a smile. Sure he'd have his moments where he'd cry and breakdown, but for the most part he was so positive. He calmed Lovino so much. Feli cuddled up to Lovino as they watched TV. He distracted him from the fact that it had been six hours into labor and Antonio still hadn't shown.

Lovino chewed his lip realizing that he hadn't had a contraction in a while. The nurse popped in again and checked the monitor. She checked his dilation. A measly one to one and a half centimeters. After all that work. She excused herself only moments later to come back with Dr. Evans. She reviewed the monitor and reassured Lovino everything was fine. They were pretty sure his labor had stopped, but wanted to keep him overnight just to be sure. Lovino nodded. He stared up at the ceiling. He'd have to go through that all over again. He almost just begged her to make him come now. He just needed that to be worth something. He had gotten so excited that Luca would finally be here. And now he wasn't. Antonio still wasn't here. That's all he could thing.

Antonio isn't here.

* * *

**_Reviews would be lovely_**


	26. Chapter 26

_**Hi, sorry it's been 84 years. I've had a lot of issues going on lately, but I'm getting back up (I think?). I have the next 2 chapters 100% mapped out and just need to be written. It's all getting so close! **_

_**Noobz: sorry, I didn't get back to you. since you're on guest, I can't PM you. You can make a profile on here or message me on tumblr. username is the same.**_

* * *

**38.5 Weeks**

Lovino tossed his phone across the room with a groan. Antonio had been trying to reach him for a week and a half now. He didn't want to talk to him. What did he have to say that he didn't say that morning he'd gotten home after six hours of labor that had stopped? Antonio just waltzing in Lovino's apartment like he hadn't done anything wrong. Lovino didn't want to talk to him ever again. Antonio showed his true colors. He didn't care about him or Luca. If he did, he wouldn't have never shown up. He wouldn't have ignored Lovino's calls. He wouldn't have never shown up. He wouldn't have only texted a sentence after millions of texts. He only answered when Feli had taken the phone away from Lovino and threatened Antonio.

Antonio. God, Antonio. Lovino loved him. He wanted him. He was probably the most attractive man Lovino had ever seen in life. His body alone caused Lovino's heart to start racing. His face was so perfectly symmetrical, the photogenic bastard. His green eyes pulled Lovino's heart out of Lovino's chest. He had the friendliest smile. Kissing those laughing lips was to touch heaven. His curly brown hair was always a mess, but it fit him. It hugged his face. When Antonio held him in his arms he felt safe. Nobody could hurt him. Antonio's fingertips had the ability to set Lovino's nerves on fire. When their bodies pressed together, Lovino couldn't breathe. The sex was more than sex. It was passion. It was love. It was ascending to the heavens on a cloud with a chorus of angels singing. That was how Lovino thought of him.

Their conversations took Lovino to a place he'd never gone before. Antonio made him dig deep inside himself and hand over the treasure that was his heart. Lovino couldn't keep his guard up with Antonio. It was impossible. He used to think it was unshakeable as one of the queen's guards in London, unable to falter. Fool proof. And then Antonio came and in one night wooed the guard and poisoned him. Just like that, Lovino had been unable to keep himself from Antonio.

It was true what Feliciano and his father said. He wasn't brash or rude or mean. He was soft and kind and loving. He loved with his entire being if you were in. He was fiercely protective. He was sensitive and fragile. He'd locked that up one day in fifth grade when he held a boy's hand and kissed his cheek. He had been weak and from that day vowed he would never get hurt again. And then Antonio came into his life and shook him to the core. Now here he was, a sobbing mess on his best friend's couch with Antonio's baby growing inside him, ready to pop out at any moment and make his debut into the world. Everything he'd ever wanted, everything he'd worked for had burned in front of him right beyond his fingertips.

Where was Antonio?

Lovino had let his guard down for Antonio not knowing he was a wolf in sheep's clothing that would devour him and leave nothing but skeletal remains of what he once was while never once revealing that wolf. Lovino wanted to know that wolf. Why couldn't he know that wolf? Antonio had the choice to shed out of the wool into his true self. Lovino had once been so foolish to think Antonio wasn't hiding from him. He used to think that he knew everything about Antonio, but now that he was too far in, he'd discovered it wasn't the case. What did he really know about him? He cooked? He hadn't known he owned the restaurant. Why was he so elusive? Lovino was having his child and had never met his family. Did they even know? What was he doing? And yet…Lovino loved him. He knew these things and he loved him. He didn't even know if he knew him, but he loved him.

Oh god, he loved him…

Lovino brushed the tears off his face and pulled himself up off the couch. He needed to stop thinking about Antonio. He sighed. He wanted to go to church. He hadn't gone in so long. He was so scared. He could just hear the murmurs and feel the judging eyes. It had been bad when it had just been rumors. Now it was obvious. He chewed his lower lip and went to his room. He found something that looked church presentable

Lovino sat in his car, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. Members of the Parish were walking into the church, smiling and laughing as they talked to each other. Everyone in their Sunday best. The priest was standing at the door of the church welcoming everyone was they came in, sprinkling them with holy water if they asked. His eyes panned up to the large cross on the church. He played with the same one around his neck. The one Antonio had given him. The sky was blue and cloudless. He could hear birds chirping. He needed this. He took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. He stared at the ground, not daring to look up and see the looks and the whispers as he passed. He rushed past the priest, not making eye contact. He'd known the man his whole life, but he couldn't look at him. He sat in the pew furthest in the back. He kept his eyes on his feet. He could feel the tears pooling in his eyes.

This had always been his refuge. He had grown up here. Father Paolo had taught him English. He talked with him in Italian when he was younger to help Lovino to be able to express himself. Even in confession. Feliciano had been adored by everyone. He was adorable and talkative. He played a part in all of the plays even if he did often forget the lines. Lovino had been known for his silence and withdrawn nature. People looked on him with pity after his mother died. They thought he was scarred. They weren't wrong. They had seen him experience panic attacks on multiple occasions. Losing his mom, seeing what he had…It really did mess him up in a way. He'd been known as the quiet brother, the smart one. He had been seen as devout. Then he was sixteen and rumors of his sexuality spread. He became the talk of the parish. His father had almost thrown him out. And then the rumor that he was pregnant. Lovino had stopped going when his suit stopped fitting. He didn't want them to know.

People were glancing at him and talking. He could hear what they were saying. He could feel Luca inside him. He closed his eyes and focused on his Luca. If people wanted to judge him for bearing a child, let them. He was proud of Luca. He loved him. He swore he'd be the best father there ever was. Fuck what anyone thought or said. He had to be strong for Luca. He was here for God, for Jesus, for the Virgin and the saints and their love. He wasn't there to be a spectacle. He slid out from the pew and held his head up high as he walked toward the front. He could hear the voices, feel their eyes. He sat in the empty front pew. Nobody ever sat so close. Lovino had to sit there, to be brave for Luca. Plus it was the only way to not be distracted.

As mass went on, he felt the warmth washing through him. That strange comfort that his brother never understood. He could feel his mother close to him. She had told him stories almost eight years of his life. She'd been the one to teach him so much about the Bible. Listening to how he could be forgiven and have his sins washed away, that he was loved by something bigger than himself, that he was perfectly made, it was all so comforting. Lovino found himself engrossed. He hung on every word of the sermon. Luca's movements adding further to the effect of the Word. His eyes were glued to the front, his hands gripped the hymn and prayer books so tightly that nobody could pry them away.

Father Paolo paused. He glanced at Lovino and then at the parish. Lovino heard a small rumble through it. He could feel the eyes and he really didn't care. He wanted to be here. He was ready to give up every sin in his body and take the communion. Maybe he would just become a priest. He'd be focused on the Father alone and never worry about the temptations of the flesh. Of course he knew priests weren't perfect. They made mistakes. They were tested, tempted. But he felt as though being surrounded by the faith wholly and not in the world where sin was so prevalent, it'd be easier. He could go to a new place. He wouldn't have rumors following him. He'd give up all worldly possessions and take Luca with him. Could you be a priest if you had a kid? Lovino wasn't sure.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged." The father's voice boomed after the silence. Lovino's heart jumped. "These are the words of our Savior. Should we not ask ourselves every day what would Christ do? In every aspect of our life, we must strive to do the Christ-like thing. Yes, we'll stumble and fall. We are only human. Not one of us will ever be perfect. It is important to not judge one another. It is the responsibility of our parish, as brothers and sisters in Christ, to lift each other when we fall, help your brother or sister back to their feet, not trample them and push them down. We must forgive if we are to be forgiven. Think about this my dear parish."

Lovino was breathless. He could feel the tears pricking in his eyes. Words had never been so true. Maybe, maybe he should forgive Antonio and move on. Ignoring him was doing nothing good. Antonio was trying to contact him. Lovino knew Jesus would talk to him. In fact, he'd talk to him first because wasn't it the sinners who needed the most love? And he had sinned himself many times. So wouldn't it be wise to just let it go? To just give Antonio a clean slate like Confession? Yes, yes, he'd hear what he had to say. They could start over. They could a family. Yes. He would call him just as soon as Mass was over.

Lovino watched silently, longingly, at the procession of the members walking down the aisle of the pews and kneeling in front of the priest as he signed the cross on them. He placed the wafer on their tongue and handed them the wine. He brushed a tear away. He wanted so badly to go, but he couldn't. He hadn't gone to confession and he knew he had committed a mortal sin. He couldn't ever again in his life take communion. The thought pulled at him. He was unclean. He bit his lip as he tried to hold back. He remembered being in PRE classes and his mother helping him through. He was to take his First Communion the following May. Lovino had been so excited. His mother wasn't there to see it. He was silently happy she wasn't there to see his last at twenty.

Finally, the parish was dismissed. Lovino sat on the pew, staring on the lit candles. He wanted to wait for everyone to leave before he walked out. He winced slightly as a small practice contraction attempted to push Luca gently. His pelvis hurt so much lately. He knew Luca was low and engaged, but he never knew it would hurt like this. Sitting on the hard wood pew now, he realized it was painfully uncomfortable. He hadn't noticed before. He pushed himself up, a few tears pricking his eyes as Luca seemed to pressed harder down into his pelvis. Fuck, he just wanted Luca to come out already.

"Lovino, may I have a word?" Father Paolo asked, a smile on his face.

Lovino swallowed. He didn't want a lecture. He nodded and followed him into his office. Lovino couldn't himself from folding his arms on the back of the chair and leaning down at the waist. The position moved Luca's head away from his cervix. He let out a soft groan. He sat up when he heard the door shut firmly and the priest's footsteps walking toward him.

"Do you need anything? Are you starting labor? I'm sorry, I haven't seen it often." His voice was soft and concerned. It had always made Lovino's heart stop racing. It was soothing.

"No, no, sorry." Lovino cleared his throat and looked aside. "Just…he's engaged and low, so like he's pressing on my cervix and he's like literally in my pelvis and it's so uncomfortable. It's like my hips are going to split apart. God, it just…it hurts to be quite honest," Lovino responded, just barely above a whisper. He glanced up, hating the fact that tears were welling in his eyes. It hurt more than usual. Sitting on that wooden pew…

"Oh…well the miracle of childbirth is not without its aches and pains I'm afraid." The priest frowned as he sat down. He took a swig of water from a small bottle he kept on his desk. "I haven't seen you in…well since I founded you crying and praying in the pews. How are you doing?"

Had it been that long? He knew Father Paolo had gone on a relief trip to help a third world country with water and food distribution. He really couldn't remember Father Alexander leading mass. Lovino didn't know what to say. His mouth was dry. His body ached. He was so mad that Luca hadn't been born, that the labor had only pushed him so hard against his cervix and deep into his pelvis. Fuck, it hurt. He wiped away his tears.

"I'm almost done," Lovino whispered. He rubbed his belly with a warm smile and panned his eyes back to the man who had always been like a second father. "I'm almost thirty-nine weeks. I went into labor a week and a half ago and it stopped after six hours. It hurt so much. I wanted to cry the whole time, no I did. All I got to show for it is a baby lodged in my pelvis." Lovino huffed.

"Yes, I was thinking it was about time."

He offered Lovino a water and some chocolate. Lovino smiled and accepted graciously. He eased himself into the comfy, padded chair he'd sat in as a child waiting until his papa could pick him and Feliciano up. It was where he sat when he was a teenager who just needed a good cry and to feel safe. Father Paolo had given him a key back in those days, trusting him not to mess with anything or do anything inappropriate. He could still feel Luca, still the pain in his back and hips, but it wasn't as bad. He leaned back to get a bit more pressure off him. He nibbled the chocolate as the two shared a comfortable silence.

"I wanted to talk to you about a few things." Lovino nodded. "You didn't take communion today."

"No…I…" Lovino's voice trailed off. "I can't. Ever again. Never." Lovino's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"Lovino, I've never met a more devout person that wasn't in the clergy than you. You're always so hard on yourself. You try to be this perfect person. Lovino, I know you pray and repent and beg for mercy. I've watched you for almost ten years cry and beg to be 'cured.' I watched the steps you took, the way you avoided boys your age, never looking up. You buried yourself in school and taking care of your brother and responsibilities at home. And you prayed. I never interrupted you, not until that day you'd been on your knees for almost a full day. Lovino…" Father Paolo rubbed his face. He looked so worn, so exhausted. "I know you repent and I can see this is not something that is a choice. Nobody suffers like that out of choice."

"I…but…I…" Lovino couldn't find the words.

"I spoke with bishops and cardinals about this situation. By the religion, you aren't gay. You have the capacity and ability and are giving life to a child. You can take communion after confession." Father Paulo smiled.

Lovino almost choked on his own saliva. It was against everything he'd known, been taught, read. Lovino couldn't understand. He was gay. He was a man and he liked men and who the fuck cared that he was having a child. Was he not already denied the body of Christ? Would that not be blasphemy? But here was a priest, a man he trusted, telling him otherwise. Lovino couldn't accept it. No.

"I can't…" he whispered. "I…I am gay. I'm a man and I…I like men. I am pregnant because I had gay premarital sex and I am on the verge of living in sin and I don't see a way around this because if I don't live with Antonio, if I don't fix our relationship and get married to him, if I don't raise my child with two parents, where would I go? I can't keep up this charade the Feliciano cooked up to get me $400 rent. I'm going to have my baby any day now. I just…" Lovino brushed off a tear and stared up at the ceiling. "And I still have sex with him. Almost every day and I love it. I know I shouldn't, but I do. It's this release and I don't feel so frustrated. I know you will never marry and you'll never have a child, but you get so turned on and you want it all the time. I don't feel guilty anymore. I just…I just want it. And I am not a good Catholic and I just need you to tell me that, not that I'm able to take in the body of Christ because I promise you that I will never risk tarnishing His body. Ever." Lovino was shaking. Father Paolo was quiet for a moment.

"My son, listen to me. You must remember, you are a human. You're not God. You will have temptations and you'll act on them. But your heart, Lovi, your heart is pure. Anyone who knows you will attest to that. If you feel you cannot take Communion…that is between you and the Lord. I have looked into things for you. In this situation, it's okay as long as Confession has been made. Marriages, baptisms, Lovino, we can do all of that." Father Paolo smiled, standing and walking to lean back against his desk. "He sure knows what he's doing."

"Baptisms?" Lovino head perked up. He sat up and nodded to himself. "I had this question. I want Luca baptized as soon as he can be. I wasn't sure if…but he can." Lovino let out a laugh. "We can we do it? Will you be there? I'd love to have a baptism party like so many families do. It would be so nice for Luca to be given things that he'll have along the way."

Lovino was so giddy. He could do as he planned. They discussed the particulars such as time. Lovino decided on Feliciano as his godfather. He just needed to talk to him first. Matthew, being atheist, was not allowed by Catholic law. Lovino wasn't sure Feliciano would be able to do that, but it was all he had at the moment. He didn't know Antonio's family and he sure as hell wasn't going to name a stranger a godparent to his sweet baby boy. He needed to know there would be guidance and love. Lovino thanked the priest and rushed out of the church ready to talk to Antonio.

* * *

Lovino paced through his apartment as the phone rang. His heart raced faster with every chime. What would he say? He hadn't talked to the man in a week and a half. Maybe Antonio had taken that as a breakup? He didn't want to think of that as a possibility. No, he'd talk to Antonio and everything would be okay, right? He cursed to himself as the call went to voicemail. This was the tenth time in an hour and he was sure Antonio was doing it on purpose, trying to teach him a "lesson." His blood boiled at the thought. How dare he? Lovino had every right to be angry at Antonio for not showing up, for not answering, for making excuses to miss the birth of their child. And the things for Luca's nursery still weren't in and Antonio had promised they'd be in. What would happen if he were to actually have Luca? He needed things to be ready.

The thought of not having things ready put Lovino on edge. He couldn't think about it. He didn't want to have a panic attack, not right now. He couldn't. What if he went into labor? That would not help things. Lovino leaned against a wall and took a few deep breaths. A few tears fell down his cheeks. He was anxious, scared, frustrated, in pain. The only good thing that had happened that day was the talk with the priest. Lovino pulled his phone out again and pulled Matthew's number up, texting him quickly. He just needed help.

Just texting Matthew calmed him a bit. He was going to try once more to reach Antonio. Once. Twice. Three times. Lovino could feel new tears falling down his cheeks. Why wouldn't he answer? He just needed him to answer. Just answer. They needed to sort whatever the fuck was going on. He needed to know they were on the same page.

"Hey, Lovino. I'm kind of busy at the moment," Antonio answered in an annoyed voice.

"Oh..." Lovino shifted. "I just…I thought…"

"You thought what?" Antonio snapped. "I'm sorry that I'm working my ass off to provide for you and couldn't make it until later. It's your first fucking child, Lovino. It's not like I'd miss it. I have shit I have to take care of."

"I…I was just, I'm scared." Lovino whispered, closing his eyes.

"I know, dios mio, I'm so sorry, Lovino," Antonio breathed. "I just, I don't know. I'm stressed I guess."

"Can we talk tonight?" Lovino asked with a trembling voice.

"Um…I'm actually kind of doing stuff with my friends. How's tomorrow morning? Or actually, I'll just come over to sleep tonight if you're not awake. Is that okay?" Antonio asked softly.

"Y-yeah. I mean…okay, yeah great." Lovino stammered unable to process.

"Okay. Have a great day, Lovino!" The call disconnected.

* * *

Children ran through the park laughing with joy. Older children soared through the air in their swings feeling the freedom of flying in the best way. They leapt from them laughing as they landed on the ground and ran to get back on. Some were swinging on the monkey bars, running to their mothers with big smiles when they got to the other side. The playscape was filled with laughter and shouts. It was the sound of the pure joy of innocence.

Lovino chewed his lip as he watched them, rubbing his belly absently. He couldn't believe that in a few short weeks, his baby would be born. He'd take him to the park. They'd go on walks. Antonio promised him a running stroller. He could take him when ran, ran away from the world. He'd never leave Luca behind. Luca was the only pure thing in his life. Luca had done no wrong. His heart longed to be able to hold him in his arms, to see his face. Soon. He couldn't wait.

"Hey," Matthew smiled sitting next to him on the bench, Alfred not far behind him. Alfred didn't sit down. His eyes were on the playground. Lovino could practically see his muscles twitching to go play. He was such a kid at heart.

"Hi," Lovino mumbled. He pushed himself up and offered a smile.

The plan had been to meet for lunch, but Lovino ended up at the park. He'd never been so aware of kids before in his life until he got pregnant. He actually really wasn't fond of them. He had always wanted to be a father, but he never knew why. He just longed for it and now he would be a mother. He hated that thought. The word made him feel strangely, but he was coming around to it. The more he read about pregnancy, the less the word caused him to cringe. Mother. It was used to describe the parent who carried a child. His blood nourished Luca, gave him oxygen and everything he needed to survive. His blood took away anything bad, all the waste from Luca so that Luca could just grow into a healthy baby. He could feel him growing and moving for the past nine months. He would give birth and feed him. He would love him like nobody else would. That's what the word meant to him. He didn't see it to mean a woman anymore. It was more of the action. He loved it, though he'd never admit it. He wasn't ready. Maybe one day.

Lovino's eyes flicked to Alfred. He really wanted to go play. The corners of his mouth twitched upward into a smile. These brothers…he didn't know where he'd be without them. He couldn't believe Alfred would be leaving soon. Who else was going to say stupid things and make him and Matthew give him disapproving looks while they were trying hard not to laugh? What people didn't realize was he could talk to them both about anything and they'd listen without judgement. He was different than Matthew though. Alfred could listen, but he wasn't able to give advice as easily as Matthew. He couldn't believe it had been three and a half years since he'd met him. Alfred had tried so hard to get Lovino to go out and have fun. The roommate who just wouldn't quit.

He remembered how they'd become friends. He'd set him up on a blind date and Lovino couldn't bring himself to blow the girl off. They had had a lot of fun. That was the first night Lovino had ever said he didn't think he liked girls that way. His date understood. Alfred had hounded him as soon as he walked in the door about how the date with his friend went. Lovino was trembling as the words left his mouth that he didn't like girls like that. He had closed his eyes and braced himself for the treatment he was so used to. When it hadn't come, Lovino opened his eyes and saw Alfred sitting on his bed, frowning at the floor. Lovino's breathing had quickened. Alfred looked up with a smile. "I know a guy I think you might like." They talked much of the night about Lovino being unsure of everything. Alfred listened intently through the whole thing. Lovino learned Alfred was as nonjudgmental as his older brother. They were a lot alike, so it was no wonder they'd become fast friends.

"Do you want to go play?" Lovino asked with a smile.

"Huh?" Alfred glanced back at him.

"Do you want to go play?" Lovino repeated.

"Well…I'm not going to ditch you guys." Alfred smiled. He glanced back with a sigh and plopped on the bench opposite Matthew beside Lovino.

"It'll be okay," Lovino coaxed.

"Nah, dude. I have to talk to you," Alfred frowned for a brief moment.

"So…" Lovino rubbed his palms on his track pants.

"I proposed to Emma," Matthew jumped in almost too quickly. "And I want you and Alfie as my best men."

"Oh," Lovino blinked. "Wow, I…" Lovino didn't know what to say. Emma and Matthew had been dating for little over a year. Lovino knew they were serious, but hadn't realized it was that serious. So much had changed he figured.

"So, what do you say?" Matthew smiled.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. I mean it does depend on Luca and stuff. I'm really not sure where Antonio and I will be. He's been weird. I don't know. Maybe it's that we were apart for so long and now we have to kind of rush everything because I'm about to pop." Lovino sighed.

"Dude, you could totally bring him with you!" Alfred beamed. "Right, Mattie?"

"Yeah," Matthew smiled gently. "Do you need to talk about what's going on with Antonio?" Lovino shook his head.

"No, not right now." Lovino stared at the kids playing for a moment. "I'm really happy for you, Mattie. Congratulations!" He smiled.

"Thank you," Matthew smiled. "I'm so excited. I know it may seem a little rushed, but I want Alfie there. I don't know if I could do it without…" Matthew trailed off, and rubbed his arms as if to jolt himself from negative thoughts.

"Which brings me to my thing," Alfred said rubbing the back of his head with a frown. He was avoiding eye contact. He always did that for bad news.

"Okay…" Lovino started.

"They're sending me to basic next week in South Carolina for sixteen weeks. Then I'm going to be home for two weeks and I'm getting sent out," Alfred sighed.

"Oh…" Lovino breathed.

"Tell him where." Matthew kicked at the dirt.

"I don't really know exactly where, but…" Alfred trailed off.

"Tell him," Matthew said, his voice barely audible.

"They said it'd be combat, so like warzone or something."

"What?" Lovino shook his head. "No. You can't. They can't. You…"

"I don't control my life anymore, Lovi," Alfred offered a weak smile with a shrug.

"So before he goes out, Em and I are getting married. Sometime in that two week window. He has to be there," Matthew's voice was almost desperate.

"Yeah…so your baby will be like three months old. That means he'll be cute and not all red and blotchy," Alfred laughed.

"Shut up," Lovino glared, pushing him off the bench.

"You know it's funny," Alfred laughed from the ground.

"So are we getting food or what?" Lovino asked, trying to pick himself up from the bench. Alfred jumped to his feet and pulled him up.

Lovino followed a few steps behind him as he processed the information. He just needed to talk to Matthew. He didn't want to do it here, so publically. He knew he'd start crying. He refused to cry in a park full of laughing children. He didn't want to spoil it. After all, you're only a carefree child once…right? He wasn't so sure. He didn't remember ever being carefree…except with Antonio those first few weeks.

* * *

Lovino sat in the familiar apartment he'd called home only a few short months ago. It was the same in many ways. The faux leather sofa and love seat were still positioned in an L shape along the walls. The entertainment stand still had the television standing on top serving its purpose for mindless entertainment. It was different though. The once neatly arranged video games and movies were not haphazardly thrown about the shelves. There was a coffee table in the center of it all with cup rings and crumbs from food. A half-eaten pizza was sitting in the center. Alfred's mark had been made. Lovino shuddered to think what his room was like. While Lovino and his brother were not known for their cleanliness, Matthew had insisted on training Lovino to be clean which had eventually succeeded. Training Alfred would be harder. Matthew had grown up with the guy and he was still a slob. Lovino was wary that even the Marines could fix Alfred's disgusting ways.

He hadn't examined the other rooms, but the apartment in general had Emma's touch. The couches now were accented with lovely throw pillows. Pictures hung on the walls. She had done a lot of decorating. The window were now covered with blue sheer curtains to brighten the room. It really was a good touch. There was a scent of lavender and vanilla throughout the home. Emma had definitely taken out the smell of two twenty-something males. There were candles on a stand on the kitchen counter behind the appliances. It felt homier.

Matthew was rummaging through the kitchen for something to make for dinner. Emma would be getting off of work soon and like a dutiful fiancé, he wanted her to come home to a hot meal. He hadn't been able to cook much before he started at Antonio's restaurant. Antonio had insisted on teaching everyone to cook. He really did have passion for it. He made cooking into art giving the name culinary arts justice. At the thought of his boyfriend's cooking he began to crave it. Nothing in particular, just something delicious. He shouldn't be hungry, but he found himself wanting to eat more and more now that Antonio was getting him back into the habit of eating a healthy amount.

Lovino closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch relishing the cool softness of the material. He had never quite appreciated it before. He usually sat on the floor while he had his books and notes sprawled out before him with highlighters randomly placed. Matthew would be doing his thesis on his laptop lounging on the couch ready to help Lovino at any time the need arose. He had started as Lovino's tutor and while they had become so close in the time after, Matthew still tutored his friend. Lovino longed for those days. Things had been so much simpler. He wished he'd never given Antonio the time of day, let alone sleep with him. He wasn't sure he'd change anything about that night if he were able to go back even if claimed that he would to anyone who would listen. The truth was it had been a great night. He was starting to remember it lately. Just being around Antonio and longing for what they had had dug up what his drunken stupor and hid away. The main reason he wouldn't change it was Luca. He had changed for the better through this experience.

Matthew plopped on the couch next to Lovino suddenly and pulled out his phone. He grinned at him as he pressed the buttons. Lovino had never noticed how Matthew's eyes weren't a solid color. The blue flecks caused a mosaic to build their violet shade. He was noticing a lot more these days since he didn't have school to distract him and he was a little more prepared for the arrival of Luca.

"I gave up trying to find something to cook. You wanted to talk about things and I'm just really at a loss when I looked. I'm just ordering a pizza," Matthew explained as he hit the green button that would send the call. Lovino nodded in response.

He wanted to take a nap, but he did want to talk. Matthew would listen. He would always listen. Lovino was really questioning on where he and Antonio stood. He questioned the relationship. Antonio was distant. He was saying things that Lovino found suspicion and he was lying. He really couldn't stand it anymore. He wanted Antonio to be open with him. He never shared what he was thinking. Lovino knew there was something going on. What if Antonio was only staying because Lovino was pregnant? It hadn't been the first time the thought had crossed his mind. Things weren't the same as they were. They hadn't been able to just pick up where they'd left off. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Antonio picked fights over the littlest things and Lovino couldn't say he was innocent in their fighting, but he felt that he had reason to be emotional. He was about to go into labor at any minute. He was so close. He was terrified of it now. Now he seemed to be preoccupied with everything but Lovino and their child. Antonio had left him to do it alone. He could never forget that. He couldn't do it alone. Of course he could call Matthew, but the image in Lovino's mind was that Antonio would be the one at his side.

"So what's on your mind?" Matthew asked tucking away his phone. He turned his body to face Lovino to give him full attention.

Lovino shifted. Where should he start? He didn't even know what to say without sounding petty. He didn't want to look like a fool in front of him. He'd sat there and cried his eyes out telling him how much Antonio had hurt him by walking out. How many nights had Lovino stayed up talking to Matthew about how he felt about Antonio? What would he think if he knew what was really going on in Lovino's mind?

"Lovi?" Matthew pressed.

"I don't…" Lovino tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie. "I really don't know where to begin…"

"Well the beginning's always a good start," Matthew laughed gently.

"Right," Lovino took a deep breath. "So I'm really worried about the future. I shouldn't have left him and then come back at this time. Antonio, I mean. It's not the same as before. It used to be so easy. It was carefree. We were in love and I didn't want to admit it, but we were. I look back in pictures and even my own memories and things are so nice. Now…" Lovino sighed. "Now it's like we don't even know each other. He gets so defensive over the littlest things. I know they're not little to him I guess, but it's frustrating. We fight so much. We can't agree on a single thing. Do you know the only times we get along fully is when we're having sex or cuddled up to watch a movie?"

"Of course it was easier and better back then," Matthew started when Lovino didn't continue. "Everything is fresh and exciting. It's that way with every new relationship. You and Antonio never had that gradual process of the honeymoon phase drifting off. It happens and that's okay. Relationships aren't fluid. You can go back and forth, but the honeymoon phase is the worst to be honest. I think it tends to blind one to the real life situation. See in that phase you find the person to be so wonderful and perfect. Then you find out they have flaws. There may be this one little thing that just drives up a wall that they do, but you learn to accept it and get over it. You understand that you're not perfect yourself and you realize it's unfair for you to hold impossible expectations of the other person because you both have things to work on. You and Antonio went honeymoon phase to break up to really serious really fast."

"Yeah, but I don't think it's healthy to be arguing about so much. Like he picks the smallest things. I don't know why. He's always picking things and I can't deal with it. Now like this," Lovino motioned to his abdomen. "I don't know what's going on. I don't feel like I can breathe."

"Do the two of you discuss things?" Matthew questioned.

"He asks me questions about things and I answer him. He gets upset with the answers because I've given everything so much thought and I've made my decisions."

Matthew nodded thoughtfully as he thought. Lovino watched him wondering what exactly he was thinking. He was so nervous. He hated that he always seemed to be going to Matthew whining about whatever thing was going on in his life. He was such a child. He shouldn't even be there. Matthew had bigger thing to worry about than Lovino's drama. His life lately was like a soap opera.

"Lovino, I think that's the problem. You're not including him. You're telling him how it's going to be."

"It's my body, Matthew," Lovino defended. "He shouldn't have a say over what I can and can't do. If I want a natural birth, I should be allowed that. If I don't want medication or an epidural because my child getting my endorphins is more important to me, then that's my decision. If I want to breastfeed, why shouldn't I? See those are things he talks about. I'm not going to let him tell me what to do with my body." Lovino huffed.

"Well true, he shouldn't have a say over those things, but maybe he's talking about those things because he just feels like he has no say in anything, so he picks on everything. What does he say about your choices for birth and stuff?" Matthew asked gently.

"He says that doing it naturally is dangerous because babies aren't supposed to come out from there. I told him I've done research and talked to people who've had children this way and Dr. Evans wouldn't let me do it if it was discouraged. I mean," Lovino picked at the couch. "I know it'll be horrible and I'll have to be in the hospital a week after because gastroenterology has to clear me and they need to see how everything with the anal canal and sphincters work in case I need surgery. I'm okay with that. Then he tells me I shouldn't torture myself with birth like this without an epidural. I'm like what? I'm more concerned about my son than myself. I can cope. How does a baby cope, Matthew? How? They don't. And then for the breastfeeding thing, he just thinks it's weird."

"It sounds like he's worried about you," Matthew told him.

"Okay, so maybe." Lovino rolled his eyes.

"Those little things that can be discussed should be discussed. Things like living arrangements. If you're living separately, who does Luca stay with?"

"Me," Lovino interrupted. "Always me. I'm his goddamn mother and I'll damned if he takes him away from be after doing nothing but going out and fucking everything that moves. No, fuck no."

"Okay, Lovino, I'm not saying that. I mean like what is the custody arrangement? What kind of parenting the two of you want, which is so important that you're consistent. I know you picked the name, but maybe discuss the middle name. There is so much to discuss and you have to be open. Lovi, you're still so angry at him and you have to let that go or this is never going to work. You are both so defensive. He's angry at you. You're angry at him. Do you want Luca coming into the world with his parents in this weird love hate relationship? Of course not. So one of you needs to step up and be the one who says you know what, this is a problem and we need to address it. That's where you start." Matthew rubbed Lovino's back.

"How do I stop being mad at him?" Lovino whispered as tears started to pour down his face. "He lies to me constantly. I was in labor and he lied to me about being at work. You told me he wasn't there. He's on his phone and he tells me it's work, but who's texting him about work at two in the morning? He's sneaking around and I just know he's cheating. I looked at his phone, Mattie. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. He's talking to Francis about how I'm so horrible. What did I do? I'm just trying so hard to make this work and he's not even making an effort. He doesn't even want to fuck me! I don't trust him. We can't talk. He doesn't listen to me. He's always off doing something. He leaves me at home by myself to go out to the bar or club and I don't know where he goes after that. He doesn't come back, so I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know. I do not know."

Lovino fell apart into sobs that wracked his entire body. Matthew hugged him. He cried into his friend's chest. He didn't know what was going to happen. He knew that his baby would be born soon. He could literally come at any time now that he was technically term. When Luca decided he wanted to move out, things would start. And he had no idea what would happen. He wanted Luca to have two parents who were stable and in love and who loved him and had the same goal, but he wasn't so sure it was going to work that way.

He let himself match his breathing with Matthew's. His heart beat in such a steady rhythm. Lovino closed his eyes. The music on him was perfect. Lovino allowed himself to melt into him. Matthew's arms were wrapped tightly around him, protecting him from everything bad that had ever happened. He breathed him in. He smelled of cinnamon sugar and clean laundry soap. It was so comforting. Matthew's hand was rubbing his back slowly, his cheek resting a top Lovino's head. He was murmuring sweet things to him. Everything Lovino wanted. Lovino looked up at him. Matthew stared back, his violet eyes soft and caring.

Lovino pushed himself to sit up. He wrapped his arms around Matthew's neck. Matthew's arms pulled him by the waist closer to him. Lovino's hands slipped toward his jaw and his lips pressed against Matthew's. His lips were soft and warm. Lovino pressed himself against him. It felt so right. Why had never thought of Matthew before? He was perfect. The most caring person he ever knew. He was so patient. He loved him. Why hadn't he…

Matthew pushed him away, a shocked look on his face. _Because Matthew was straight. Because Matthew was in love with Emma. Because Matthew was getting married. Because you're not supposed like your best friend._ The realization floor Lovino. He had kissed Matthew. He had _kissed _him. For a moment, he wanted to be with him. Lovino couldn't breathe. Tears fell from his eyes. What was he doing? Why?

"I'm so sorry," Lovino whispered, cowering the edge of the couch opposite from Matthew. "I…It's…I…"

"It's okay," Matthew let out a soft laugh. He smiled softly as Lovino brushed off his tears with his sleeve. "You're upset and vulnerable. I get it. Let's just watch a movie until Emma gets home, or do you want to talk some more?"

"A movie would be nice," Lovino sniffled.

He watched Matthew browse through Netflix and put on their favorite movie. Lovino was surprised and Matthew wrapped his arm around him and told him to lay down. God, what would he do without his best friend? Before Lovino knew it, he'd fallen asleep.

* * *

_**Okay, well I hope you enjoyed it.**_

_**Review? **_


	27. Chapter 27

_**What the what? Another update? Vacation sure has me recharged. I have the next chapter planned out too. I'm really hoping to keep up the fast writing. Here ya go!**_

* * *

**38.6 Weeks**

The bed sank down behind Lovino, waking him just enough that he sat turned his head with sleepy eyes. Antonio's arms went around him instantly. He snuggled into him with a soft hum. Antonio's lips brushed against Lovino's cheek. He could feel his unshaven face scratch against his skin. Antonio ran his hand up and down Lovino's side and rested on his belly. Lovino felt a gentle pressure as Antonio pushed down just a bit, receiving a hard kick in response causing Lovino to jump fully awake. Luca was moving around so much. It was so hard to get comfortable and go to sleep. Now this. He had been sleeping so well. Luca wasn't even disturbing him. He was so uncomfortable.

"What the fuck, Antonio?" Lovino snapped, pulling himself up with a wince as he felt gravity pull Luca back down on his cervix.

"I didn't do anything?" Antonio retorted. Lovino closed his eyes, trying to hide the tears.

"Luca is pretty big now, okay?" Lovino hissed. "He moves, a lot. And it makes it very difficult to sleep. Very difficult. I'm so uncomfortable, oh fucking hell am I uncomfortable. It takes me so long to fall asleep at night. You have no idea."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to.."

"No." Lovino cut him off, tears pulling in his eyes. "You do`n't get to say you're sorry. Oh and remember when I was in labor for six hours? It wasn't strong. I think it might not have been real labor, but it fucking hurt. Six hours of contractions ever fifteen to thirty minutes lasting like thirty to forty-five seconds. It hurt. I was scared and you weren't there. And you know what tops the cake, Antonio?" Antonio opened his mouth to speak, but Lovino didn't give him the chance. "It stopped, right? It stopped at one and a half centimeters or so and Luca so far down in my pelvis, he's literally sitting on my cervix. It hurts. I can't even walk properly anymore. This is what I deal with, Antonio. What right do you have to be upset with me." Tears pulled in Lovino's eyes.

"I should go," Antonio muttered sitting up. Lovino grabbed his wrist and shook his head.

"No, no, this is the conversation we've needed to have. You want to be included, right? I'm make you included. You want to know the dirty details of what this is like? I'll tell you. My back hurts like hell all the time. I pee like every five minutes. I am so uncomfortable. I get kicked in the ribs. Luca is pressing so hard against my cervix that I want to scream. It hurts. Everything hurts. My ankles are swollen. I have heartburn constantly. I get constipated despite how much fiber I have. I'm horny like all the time. I cry at a drop of a hat. I'm emotional as fuck. I have horrible mood swings. And it doesn't fucking help that my baby's fucking father is basically a piece of shit." Lovino stopped glaring at Antonio, breathing heavily. He was so angry. Antonio blinked.

"I…I don't, what?" Antonio sputtered.

"I'm so fucking scared," Lovino whispered, tears falling down his face. He pushed himself up to sit on his feet. "He'll be born soon and I'm so scared. I know I read all the books and watched videos and talked to Dr. Evans, but I'm terrified. It's going to hurt so much. Did you know I've been leaking? Like my breasts? God, fuck, fuck, fuck…" Lovino crawled off the bed and started pacing as tears flowed down his cheeks. "What if I can't do it? What if I'm not ready to be a dad? What if I'm bad at it? What if…"

Lovino was cut off by Antonio taking him by the shoulders. He stared at him with searching eyes and wiped the tears off of Lovino's face. Lovino took a few shuddering breaths and hugged him. He was so scared. Antonio made him feel safe. He didn't give a fuck about what he'd been doing in the past. He was here now and he was holding him. Things would be okay, right?

"I had no idea," Antonio whispered in his ear.

"You didn't ask. You didn't listen," Lovino whimpered back, not moving his head from Antonio's chest, staring up into Antonio's eyes. "And I need you to stop blowing me off and lying to me. I need you to be here for us. Promise me you'll be here for us."

"Lovino, of course I will. I told you that weeks ago." Antonio let out a small laugh.

"No." Lovino said firmly through his tears. "No, I want you to mean it."

"I do." Antonio insisted.

"Fucking prove it…fuck I'm so scared," Lovino muttered, pulling away.

He headed out of his room and to the kitchen. Everything needed to be ready for Luca. Everything needed to be clean and organized. He'd need food prepared because he knew he'd be too tired to cook when Luca came. Hell, he was too tired now only getting maybe four hours of sleep max which didn't do well for his emotional state. It'd been getting worse lately. He just wanted to sleep so badly.

"Lovi?"

Antonio stood in the doorway with a frown on his face. Lovino had just noticed his white dress shirt was unbuttoned to reveal the black tank underneath. His tie hung loosely around his neck. God, he was so hot…

"Fuck me," Lovino whispered, pulling Antonio to him. He didn't care that they weren't in the bedroom. He'd sit on the counter. He could lean over with something supporting his chest and head. He just…needed him.

"No, no, Lovino, listen," Antonio protested, pushing him back.

"You don't want to? Is it because I'm so fat now?" Lovino asked with teary eyes.

"No, no," Antonio shook his head, a confused look on his face. "You're beautiful. Look, I need you to listen to me because it will explain everything."

"I'm a man, Tonio. Men can't be beautiful. Do you think I'm a girl? Oh my god…"

"What? No. Lovi, hush, listen to me." Antonio took his by his arms. "I need you to come away with me, okay? Everything will be explained. I promise. It will be good for you to get away. You've been so stressed out, and I admit it's partially–"

"All." Lovino corrected.

"Fine. All my fault." Antonio rolled his eyes. "What you need is a weekend away from everything. A weekend to relax and not worry about baby stuff. You don't have to read books or watch anything. No unpacking and repacking the hospital bags. Everything is fine. You have what you need, just come away with me. I promise you won't regret it. Please. You'll be so happy."

"Not worry about baby stuff?" Lovino let out a laugh and motioned toward his stomach. "I'm pretty much thirty-nine fucking weeks pregnant, if you haven't noticed. He could come any day. Babies can come a week before the date. It's not unheard of. And I have to unpack and repack because what if when I get to the hospital, I don't have everything? What if I don't have the nice clothes I got for the hospital? What if Luca doesn't have clothes? I have his outfit for him to come home in and people have given me clothes, but what if he doesn't have the right kind? Mio dio, we don't have Luca's nursery set up! We won't have anything for him to come home to! What if nothing is ready? Oh no, I don't…I was supposed to get like um, breastfeeding pads and stuff so my shirt doesn't get wet, but like…I don't want to? It's not what men do."

"Lovi, Lovino, mi amor, everything will be okay. Just come away with me and we'll make sure we have everything. We'll check a million times and make sure, okay? And I promise, we'll have a perfect place for Luca to be when he's born, okay? Just come back to bed. You're exhausted and emotional. You need rest. Pretty soon you'll be getting up ever few hours to feed him. Let's just go to bed, okay?" Antonio soothed.

"Are you going to live with us?" Lovino whispered staring up into his eyes.

"If that's okay with you, I'd love to."

Lovino smiled and kissed Antonio. He let another sob escape his throat. He was terrified, exhausted, stress, worried. He did need sleep. He knew he was sounding crazy letting everything out like this. It was what played in his head constantly. While it felt good to let it out finally, he was embarrassed at the same time. He let Antonio take him by the hand and lead him to the room. Antonio helped him into the bed. Lovino instantly turned to face the wall. Antonio laid on the side facing the door. He wrapped his arm around Lovino's chest and laid his face in Lovino's shoulder whispering goodnight.

Lovino stared into the darkness at the wall as Luca shifted and kicked at him. The pressure on his cervix was gone, but his hips and back still ached. His mind raced with every worry in the world. How could he sleep? What was the point? He sighed and wiggled his way back so that he was as close to Antonio as he could be. He listened to Antonio's soft, slow, even breathing. The warmth of his body comforted Lovino. Maybe he was right. Maybe all Lovino needed was to get away. Yeah…that'd be nice. Lovino closed his eyes and matched his boyfriend's breathing.

* * *

Lovino tapped his foot as Antonio drove through the busy New Jersey traffic. He was so nervous. He wondered where they were going. Antonio had been so vague, told him it was a surprise. He hated surprises. It made him anxious. He chewed his lip and tried to calm his breathing. He stared outside his window at the cars moving at a snail's pace through late morning traffic. Why had Antonio insisted on not taking the tolls? Couldn't they have taken a subway or something? He shifted wondering what was going to happen.

His mind wandered to the thoughts of not having everything ready. He'd checked a million times he had everything. He even made a list. Antonio had started getting frustrated as he'd unpacked and repacked. Lovino just wasn't sure what close he wanted to take from what Rosa and Philippe had given him and what he wanted to take from his friends, Antonio and Antonio's friends. He had his clothes and toiletries. He had everything, but what if…

"Are you okay?" Antonio smiled taking Lovino's hand.

"Y-yeah," Lovino forced a smile. "I'm just really anxious is all…like I told you a few times, I get really anxious."

"Well…" Antonio kissed the back of Lovino's hand and gave him a wink before turning on the radio. He pulled his phone out and put on a playlist. "You're going to love this, Lovi."

Lovino was shocked when Antonio burst out into song with dance moves. He couldn't believe it. During traffic! It reminded him of Feli and his father and their singing sessions. His heart burst at the memory of his mom singing to him and Feliciano while dancing around the room. Lovino and Feli laughing as they spun around in circles holding hands with her. A giggle escaped his throat watching Antonio. The anxiety seemed to melt away.

Somewhere during the trip, Lovino must have fallen asleep. He hadn't even realized it until Antonio woke him by gently nudging him. They were in the middle of the woods. There was a house in front of him with a chimney and gravel driveway. Trees surrounded the property on both sides. Lovino's breath caught. It was so…so…he couldn't describe it. He just stared at it with wide eyes and an open mouth. It was such a nice house.

"There's a little stream that runs behind it, and a path to a small pond. It's about two miles, but it's so beautiful. You'll see animals and it's so peaceful. Maybe we can go?" Antonio beamed.

"Are you crazy?" Lovino asked, motioning to his stomach. "But it sounds nice. I wish I could…" he let out a sigh.

"Oh…right…" Antonio rubbed the back of his head and let out a small laugh. "Shall we go in?"

Lovino nodded. Antonio got out of the car and headed to the front door. Lovino watched, not ready to get out. He was afraid to move. He wasn't terribly uncomfortable in his current position. He was scared to stand up and feel the full force of Luca again. God, he was ready for Luca to be born. He rubbed his belly softly with a small smile on his face as he experienced Luca's small movements. Who knew how long he'd get to feel them? It was the thing he'd loved so much about being pregnant. He felt so close to Luca. He felt his every move.

"I love you, Luca," Lovino whispered leaning back in the seat and looking around the beautiful landscape. "I can't wait to hold you, see you, touch you, nurse you, cuddle you. It's the final countdown now, isn't it?"

Antonio came back to the car with a smile on his face. He opened the door and held out his hands to Lovino. He bit his lip and took a breath as he let Antonio help him out of the car. Tears filled his eyes when gravity hit him. Fuck, he couldn't wait to be done with this shit. It wasn't Luca's fault, but he couldn't help cursing the situation. He closed his eyes and took a moment to adjust before taking the hospital bag from the car.

"Why don't you leave them in the car?" Antonio suggested. "That way if you do end up going into labor, we just have to worry about getting you to the car. We would be sure not to forget them. This was a forty minute drive."

Lovino hadn't thought about that. He nodded and set it back down. He glanced around the property once more. It was so beautiful, peaceful. He could hear birds chirping in the distance. The trees were so green. It was everything he'd ever dreamed of. He especially loved the large tree that stood alone in front of the house. He imagined having a rope swing like he and Feliciano had always wanted.

"Do you want to go in? I know you said it's not comfortable for you to stand like this." Antonio frowned. "I can unload the car and get our things situated, really."

Lovino nodded and hobbled his way inside. He hadn't realized that Antonio had followed him until Lovino gasped at the sight of the entry way. Antonio giggled gently. Lovino turned and looked at him before turning his attention back to the home. It was a sight for sore eyes.

The house smelled and looked brand new. He could smell a faint scent of food lingering in the air signaling that it had in fact been used recently. He took a few steps further into the home. It was a modern rustic feel. Black leather furniture in a U shape focused around a fireplace with a large television secured to the wall above. And just above the space was a skylight. Lovino stared at the blue sky and white puffs of clouds. Antonio took his hand and smiled with a wink.

"I'll show you around. I took a look before."

The kitchen was huge, with dark granite countertops and black backsplash. There was a connected utility closet with a washer and dryer and a food pantry. There was a small bathroom downstairs. Upstairs, five bedrooms and two bathrooms. Lovino took it all in. Every last inch of the house. He saw every room, but one. He tried the knob, but it wouldn't turn. He frowned and sighed.

He turned back to Antonio, a huge smile on face. He couldn't believe he'd booked this place for their weekend getaway. It was so beautiful. It was everything Lovino had ever wanted in a house. It was what he always pictured. He could have his family here, make his dad feel closer to the life he'd grown up in. It wasn't a mansion, but it would be so much nicer than their raggedy home.

"So? What do you think?" Antonio grinned with a smile on his face.

"It's…perfect," Lovino breathed. He glanced over the loft at the lower floor. The view gave it a whole new appeal. "I could stay here forever."

"I'll go get everything from the car, okay? You can take as long as you'd like to look around, or you can lie down. I know you said it helped." Antonio pecked Lovino's lips and almost skipped down the hall.

Lovino smiled. He wondered into the master bedroom. The bed was made with nice dark green linens. It looked so inviting. He ran his hand over the dresser, amazed. He took a moment to look at himself in the mirror. He hadn't seen himself properly like this, pregnant. His apartment had such a small mirror that was too high to see. He had felt like he was huge and his reflection confirmed it. He turned to the side and shook his head. He really was going to pop.

He turned toward the closet and opened it to see the space. He gasped. There were clothes in it? He touched them tentatively. He felt as though he shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be touching them. Maybe the owners had left somethings? His breath caught as he noticed they were Antonio's clothes.

"What the fuck…?" Lovino muttered to himself.

He glanced to the right and saw more clothes that he didn't recognize. He frowned a moment. He was so confused. Why would Antonio have clothes here? He knew that he'd looked at the place beforehand, but why would he bring so much when they were only staying the weekend? He cocked his head at the shoe rack already scattered with a few pairs of Antonio's shoes. What was going on?

He shook his head and stumbled back. Something was wrong. No, this wasn't…it couldn't be a vacation house, could it? Maybe…maybe because Emma moved in with Matthew and Francis was having something going on with some British guy. Emma talked about that all the time, how she wanted to know what was going on, that he was never this secretive about a guy. Antonio had skipped out on the apartment a little before that and Francis had been struggling to make rent. Emma said things were weird. Maybe they broke their lease and Antonio was just staying here rather than with Lovino because he had never been told he could stay? Yeah, that must be what was going on.

Lovino frowned and hugged himself and glanced around the room once more. He knew he should have asked to move in together. Antonio shouldn't be wasting his money like this. God, why had Lovino been so stubborn? He found it so awkward to come back after so long when so much had changed. Even if they'd been dating the entire time and Luca wasn't a thing, would Lovino really want to live with him? Lovino hadn't entertained the thought of every living with someone like that. But their situation was so complicated. It was rushed. It had to be. Luca was coming sooner than later. They needed to be stable, but Lovino didn't know if he could trust him. He didn't want to get hurt, so he had made clear boundaries when they got back together. Antonio could have a key, but they were not living together.

He wondered out of the master bedroom toward the other rooms. Each was almost identical. Each room had cream colored painting with white trim and bay windows. They had a full size bed in each with a black frame with a lovely vine design. It was so wonderful. No wonder Antonio had been staying here. He would love to stay here. It was such a beautiful home.

He looked toward the locked door with a frown. His heart skipped a beat. Why was the room locked? If everything else was open for display, why not this particular room? Was it even a bedroom? Maybe it was the door to the attic? He'd never seen an attic, but he knew they had doors and they were often locked because sometimes Animals got in. It certainly was in a strange spot for an attic door though, right next to the master bedroom.

He heard the front door open. Sunlight spilled into the lower level from a different angle. Antonio walked in holding their few duffle bags and a couple boxes. Lovino wrinkled his brow. When did they have boxes? Lovino had only packed for a couple days. Antonio's things were here. Lovino's heart sank. Antonio had been distant and lying to him for the past month. Lovino couldn't remember very well if it had happened in the beginning of their relationship. How well did he know this man? He didn't feel like he knew him very well, yet here he was about to give birth to his child and having sex with him on a daily basis, sometimes more than once a day. Did he really know what was going on? Had it really been a good idea to go away with them?

He watched Antonio disappear in the kitchen, whistling to himself. Lovino chewed his lip and rubbed his something. He glanced down at it then back toward the first floor waiting for Antonio. He was being ridiculous, he knew he was, but what if…Antonio emerged from the kitchen and smiled up at Lovino.

"Are you liking everything?" Antonio asked.

"Yeah," Lovino smiled down at him with a nod.

Antonio made his way up the stairs quickly and wrapped his arms around Lovino's waist, kissing the back of his neck. Lovino let out a shuddering breath and closed his eyes. He leaned against him trying to force away those thoughts. He'd been watching too many horror movies with Matthew. It always ended with him and Alfred huddled together watching through their fingers. He had been watching Lifetime movies too. It was the only thing ever on.

"How would you like to stay here?" Antonio asked gently, rocking Lovino. "Long term."

"I'd love it," Lovino whispered, his fingertips running up and down his arms. "But we can't. We have jobs and you have a business. Our friends and family… Plus it's just for vacation, right?"

"I have a surprise to show you." Antonio giggled softly and took his hand.

He led him to the locked room. He made sure that Lovino was in front of him, but to the side. Lovino's heart started to race again. Luca kicked at the sudden pace in Lovino's system and the release of his endorphins. Lovino needed to see the room. He had been curious before, but now he had to see it. He watched Antonio pulled out a key and unlock the door. He kissed Lovino and pulled away with lingering eye contact.

"I love you," Antonio whispered. "This is for you."

Lovino smiled softly and nodded. He was going to see the room! This getaway, everything was exactly what he needed. He watched as Antonio slowly opened the room and stepped it quickly, blocking Lovino's view for just a moment before he stood against the door with a wide grin and his arms gesturing toward the room. Lovino's eyes lingered on Antonio for a moment before moving toward the room. He gasped, covering his mouth as tears pricked his eyes.

The room was painted a bright blue with small puffs of clouds. Underneath was a jungle scene with cute, baby designed animals complete with grass and trees. The trim was white with grey carpet. His eyes panned to a beautiful white bassinet that touched down to the ground. Above it in the clouds spelled out Luca. There was a small bookshelf with assorted children's books with a white rocking chair. Along another wall was a white changing table with a blue pad complete with diapers and wipes and a blue bin already set up. Another wall has a small toy chest open to reveal stuffed animals and other toys. The white closet door stood open revealing a white chest of drawers inside with tiny baby hangers.

Tears streamed down Lovino's face. He couldn't breathe, couldn't talk. It was perfect…but all wrong. So wrong. The furniture was supposed to be dark wood. Everything was supposed to be dark wood! And the setup, the setup was not what he'd pictured in his head. No. No, no, no, no. A bassinet? No, he wanted a crib that was also a toddler bed. You couldn't use a bassinet for very long? It was so impractical. What?

"So?" Antonio smiled, rubbing Lovino's arms. "Did you notice the stars on the ceiling? They glow in the dark." Lovino's eyes scanned up. "What do you think?"

"It's…it's…it's all wrong." Lovino whispered.

"What?" Antonio took a step back.

Lovino walked into the room, arms across his chest as he tried to keep himself from falling apart. "The furniture…I wanted it to be dark wood. White gets so dirty. Why is his name in clouds? You can't really make it out if you don't try. A bassinet, Antonio? Fuck…no, no, you were supposed to get the stuff I sent you from my shopping cart and get them sent to my apartment so I could set it up. What the hell did you do?" Tears streamed down Lovino's cheeks. He glared at Antonio. "What did you do?" He shouted. "For months, I've been planning this. This was supposed to be my things for him, okay? My thing. It wasn't for you to fuck up. He's my baby, Antonio. Mine."

"I…I just..." Antonio stuttered.

"Messed everything up? Why is everything that goes wrong your fault?" Lovino hissed. "I told you what I wanted. I told you!" Lovino shook his head. "This is wrong, it's all wrong…"

"It didn't fit," Antonio muttered. "Look at the room, Lovino, imagine dark furniture in that? It doesn't work."

"I. Don't. Care." Lovino leaned against the wall. "It was supposed to be perfect."

"I tried! I just wanted it to be so nice, Lovi! I talked to a designer and told them what you wanted and we talked and it made sense and it looks so nice and it works. We can get a crib later, but a bassinet is so cute, Lovi." Antonio said.

"A designer?" Lovino let out a laugh. "I don't need a designer. I told you want I wanted. I told you. I didn't tell a fucking designer."

"Well I'm so fucking sorry I built a fucking house for you that you told me was your dream house. I'm a fucking horrible person, huh? And oh no, your nursery isn't right." Antonio shook his hands mockingly. "I can't do anything right, can I? Toni the screw up. Okay. Well I'm sorry it's not perfect. But guess what, Lovino? You don't always get what you want."

"I KNOW

! Because if you got everything you want in life, my mom would be here! She'd be here and she'd be helping me and hugging me and wiping away my tears and easing my fears. I miss her so much and you barely talk to your parents. Feliciano wouldn't be sick. We wouldn't have been so hungry when I was growing up! I wouldn't be gay. I wouldn't be pregnant. I'd be in school and on track to be a doctor. I wouldn't have horrible anxiety and anxiety attacks!" Lovino shouted, pacing back and forth,

He was trembling. Tears poured down his face. He closed his eyes and hugged himself tighter. It was wrong. Everything wrong. He couldn't catch his breath. He couldn't listen to Antonio. No, no, no. He let out an angry scream, digging his nails into his arms. He stared at the room. It was wrong. Nothing was right. It had to be right. He was so scared. He had to have it right. Luca was coming. He needed it perfect. He was terrified.

"I want my mom. I want her. I want her with me. I just…I just want my mama," Lovino whispered, leaning against the wall. He shook his head.

"Okay, when you can calm down and stop being a bitch, I'll be in the bedroom. Fuck you, Lovino. You are such a child. Grow up and control yourself." Antonio muttered.

Lovino barely heard him. He sounded so far away. He wanted to fall to his knees, but he couldn't. He couldn't. He had to keep his body from falling apart. He closed his eyes. Everything in him told him to run. He couldn't stay still. It made his skin crawl. His body wracked with sobs. He couldn't catch his breath.

He paced the room, closing his eyes. He wanted his mom so badly. He wanted her to hold him. But no. She was gone. He couldn't stop seeing her face. She was so cold. Her skin had felt so strange. He didn't want that. He wanted his mom. Why? Why had that happened? Why? What did he do? It had to be his fault. If he had just stayed in the kitchen instead of taking Feli to his room…if he and Feli hadn't begged he for food…if he had watered the plants like Roma had asked him to do…if he hadn't made her check his homework…maybe, maybe she'd be okay. It was his fault. Everything was his fault.

Lovino sat down in the rocking chair, rocking gently to calm himself. After a while, he stared at the room, as his breathing slowed and his mind cleared, he realized it wasn't as bad as he thought. The room was so cute. The furniture really did fit better. He did want things moved around, but his heart filled. This was Luca's room. Toni had built the house. A small laugh escaped him. It was perfect.

Antonio…

* * *

Lovino found Antonio curled on the bed, his back to the door. He chewed his lip and made his way across the room and sat on the bed. He could hear that Antonio was crying. His breaths were uneven with scattered sniffles. Lovino closed his eyes. He shouldn't have been so cruel. He was only trying to help, to do this nice thing for him.

"I'm sorry," Lovino whispered, rubbing Antonio's back. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. Everything is wonderful. I love it."

Antonio turned to face him and wiped a few tears away. Lovino positioned himself to sit on his legs and took Antonio's hands in his and kissed them with a smile. Antonio sat up without saying a word. Lovino wiped a few tears from Antonio's face and placed a small kiss on the man's forehead. Antonio pressed his forehead against Lovino's. The men sat like that for a moment, just speaking through the silence.

"I just want to make you happy," Antonio whispered. "I know…I know I don't always show it the right way and I know I can be a dick at times, but I'm trying. Sometimes…sometimes I can't control what I'm doing or saying. I am trying. I am. I apologize. I've never been the one to be good at things."

"It's okay," Lovino whispered back, kissing him gently. He was silent for a moment, staring down at the bed. He lifted his eyes to meet Antonio's. "I have to tell you something…"

"Go ahead," Antonio smiled.

"I was a few months shy of eight when my mom died," he started with a shudder. "It was on Christmas. I told you that before. Feli jumped on the bed to wake her up and she was gone. I remember it so vividly. I remember Feli jumping on her and his tiny, baby voice giggling and tell Papa she was really sleepy. Feli tried to cuddle up to her and she didn't move. She always would hold us, even in her deepest sleep. Papa told me to get Feli out, but I couldn't. I…I just stood there and held my little brother into my stomach so he wouldn't see what I saw. The blood. The way she looked. It wasn't normal. She didn't look like herself. And I remember it so, so, so well. I hate remembering it. I can't stop."

Lovino stopped to take a breath and winced as he felt a contraction. He closed his eyes and breathed through it. He hated these stupid things. He knew he'd have more and more practice contractions the closer to his date, but he was getting tired of it. They hurt. They were frustrating. He took another deep breath and looked back up at Antonio who was watching him intently.

"I knew what was going on. It was my fault. She…she was cooking and Feli and I were pestering her about being hungry, well mostly Feli. I was quiet about it like I learned to be. She cut us a tomato and we scarfed it down. I had her check my math and she told me how smart I was, that she was so proud of me. I took Feli to our room to teach him English. Mama and Papa made me teach him. Feli loved it. I wasn't there when she fell. If I was there, I could have saved her. There were these plants, her favorite flowers. Papa told me to water them, but I forgot. She was watering them and she fell and it's my fault." Lovino sobbed.

"It's not your fault, Lovi," Antonio hugged him gently and rocked him back and forth. "You said it was a brain aneurysm. Those can rupture at any time. You know that. You were seven. What would you have been able to do?" Lovino shrugged.

"So I knew that I had to take of Feli and I had to do what Papa needed me to do. I had to step up…" Lovino took a shuddering breath. "About a month later, I started getting really fidgety and nervous and I felt like something bad was going to happen and I'd cry. It got worse and worse. Antonio…I get panic attacks. I get them so much and they're not always the typical hyperventilating, crying shit you see on TV. I get antsy. I pace. I can't sit still. I can't talk or I talk to fast. I cry. I claw at myself and hug myself so tight nothing can pry them apart because I'm holding my body together. And I run. I run and run and run until I can't run anymore and then I turn around and run back. Sometimes…what I've been doing mostly since becoming pregnant, is overreact…but over the top. I'll yell and scream and cry because it's so overwhelming. I have them a lot and they're bad and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry…" Antonio whispered.

"Matthew, Feli, Alfred, Papa…they all know when it's happening. They know what to do and honestly, I don't even know what to do besides trying to breathe. I had counseling at school because it was free. I never took medication. I don't know what to tell you…But just don't yell at me." Lovino shuddered and glanced up at Antonio. "I love the house. Thank you."

"I'm glad you like it," Antonio smiled.

Lovino laid down, a sleepy look on his face and stretched his arms out to Antonio who instantly laid next to him, propping himself up on his arms. He smiled at Lovino and ran his hand through Lovino's hair. His eyes lingered on Lovino's lips. He leaned over and propped himself up hovering over Lovino's chest, careful not to put pressure on Lovino's bump. He pressed his lips gently against Lovino's to be met by Lovino.

It was something Lovino had yet to experience with Antonio. They'd never just been quiet together, just soft kisses and touching that wasn't sexual. There was something comforting in just being close to Antonio without it going somewhere. They kissed for what seemed like only a moment, but Lovino knew was forever. Just soft, comfortable making out. No hands sliding up shirts or down pants. Just Lovino holding Antonio around the neck and holding his face. Antonio rubbing Lovino's back and running hands through his hair. It was beautiful. Lovino wished they had been able to have more of this in their relationship. The thought that so much of it was based around sex either as a result of Lovino's pent up sexual frustration or Antonio's partying caused Lovino to want to cry. They really didn't have a relationship, but he wanted one. Dear god, did he want one.

Lovino pulled away as another contraction hit him. He winced and covered his face with one arm and rubbed his stomach. It was ruining such a perfect moment. He just wanted to be in Antonio's arm forever. He wasn't ready for Luca to come. He wanted a nice relationship with Antonio where he could talk to him and cuddle and making out didn't lead to sex. He wanted to feel how nice it was to not have butterflies when he looked at him, but instead felt that everything would be okay.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked softly. Lovino nodded.

"Yeah, I've just had a few contractions today is all. It's okay. Nothing big. Just practice ones I guess." Lovino played with the buttons on Antonio's black shirt. "It's not going to be so long until he comes. I wish things were different. I wish this feeling could last forever."

"I know," Antonio stared at him with that same laughing smile. He ran his fingers through Lovino's hair. "You don't want sex, do you?"

"No," Lovino whispered snuggling to Antonio. "I just want this."

"Good because I really don't feel up to it. I just thought I should ask because of your hormones. This is much nicer. Just holding you." Antonio's hand ran down Lovino's side and rested on his stomach. His eyes met Lovino's. "I can't wait to meet him."

"Me too," Lovino whispered, tears in his eyes as he smiled. "Ever since…" Lovino looked down at his belly, his hand lacing with Antonio's. "Ever since I found out I was pregnant all those months ago, despite being terrified and confused and angry, I knew one thing. That was that I loved him. I wanted to see him. You know that's been the only thing keeping me going? Just knowing Luca is there."

"It's amazing," Antonio smiled, kissing Lovino once more. "You're due June 12th right?"

"Si," Lovino smiled. "Here we are. June 5th. It's so close. It's scary close."

"This could be the last time we're alone, huh?"

"Yeah." Lovino's hands left the buttons. "I…I have such mixed emotions, you know? I want him to come. I'm so tired of being pregnant. I'm ready to be able to see my toes again." He let out a soft laugh. "But I'm really scared."

"I know," Antonio murmured. The two stayed silent, just holding each other without a word until they drifted off to sleep.

* * *

A tight, cramping pain woke Lovino. He let out a soft whimper and curled into a ball. He didn't want to move. It hurt and somehow this made it feel better. He noticed Antonio was no longer in the room. Lovino figured he'd gone stairs to cook. He could smell a faint scent of food wafting through the door. He smiled softly to himself and rubbed his eyes. He stood up and walked downstairs.

Antonio was humming to himself cooking away. Lovino walked over to him just as Antonio turned around. He went to him, grabbing Antonio's shirt and standing on his tip toes to kiss him. Antonio's hands fell to Lovino's hips.

"Good evening, mi amor." Antonio smiled. "You slept so long. I would be right next to you, but Luca was kicking me. Are you hungry?"

"Welcome to my life. He's been kicking me for months." Lovino smirked. "I was so tired. I still am. Yes, I'd love some food," Lovino purred.

"Okay, well sit down and I'll bring you a plate."

Lovino nodded and kissed Antonio once more before sitting down. He watched Antonio work. It was amazing. The way Antonio worked reminded Lovino of Feliciano sketching. He had never seen Antonio cook like this. Hell, he didn't think he ever had. Those times in Matthew's kitchen, Lovino rolled his eyes and pretended not to care. He loved it now. Anyone could see Antonio was in his element. He moved around so purposefully, almost like a dance.

At last the food was ready and Antonio set it in front of Lovino and bowed. Lovino snickered a bit and kissed Antonio back with a peck. Antonio set his plate in his spot and got the drinks. Lovino was just about to taste the food when another contraction hit him. This one was like the other, strong and tight to the point of being painful. Lovino groaned and buried his head in his arms. He was getting so tired of this. Antonio rubbed his back.

"Lovi?" His voice was hesitant. Lovino couldn't speak. It hurt too much.

"It's fine," Lovino smiled at Antonio and picked up his fork. "Everything's fine."

They enjoyed the meal together a bit of small talk carried them through the evening. Antonio cleared the plates as Lovino nibbled on a brownie Antonio had also made. It was so wonderful. Lovino could get used to this. The house was perfect. Antonio was perfect. It was just perfect. He brushed the crumbs off him and walked toward the living room when another contraction hit him once more. He leaned on the back of the sofa and groaned, trying to breathe. Why were they so painful?

"Another one?" Antonio asked, suddenly at his side. Lovino nodded. "How many has it been today?"

"Um…I think like…like ten?" Lovino whimpered.

"They've been kind of close, huh?" Antonio pressed. "About twenty minutes or so if I would have to guess…that I've noticed."

"Yeah," Lovino nodded, still not standing up. "I guess? Luca is being strange. He's moving weird? I can't describe it…"

"Lovino…baby…?" Antonio ventured. "I…I think you're in labor."

"What?" Lovino stared at him with wide eyes.

* * *

Lovino whimpered as yet another contraction hit. Seven hours. It'd been seven hours of labor so far. Lovino just wanted it to stop. Why did it have to take so long. He was curled up on the couch now, eyes closed, as Antonio massaged his back. Lovino wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of a hoodie Antonio had given him.

"How long?" Lovino whispered.

"That one was a full minute. They're pretty consistent now. About every five to seven minutes, a minute long." Antonio glanced at Lovino.

"So…" Lovino stared at him.

"We need to go," Antonio said. Lovino could tell he was trying to stay calm and hide the urgency from his voice.

Antonio helped Lovino slowly to the car. He sat back just as another hit. Antonio reminded him to breathe through it. He'd been coaching him so well. Lovino just wanted to cry forever. It hurt so badly. Seven fucking hours. Lovino watched through a pained face as Antonio locked the door. He wasn't fast enough. God, why was he taking so long. Antonio jogged back to the car and started the engine.

"Antonio?" Lovino whimpered.

"Yeah, Lovi?" Antonio asked taking Lovino's hand and kissing it.

"I'm so scared."

"I know, baby, I know."

* * *

_**LUCAAAAAA**_

_**Finally right? hehe **_

**_REVIEWWWWWW :)_**


	28. Chapter 28

Antonio pulled into the valet parking lane and jumped out throwing his keys to the valet. He opened Lovino's door to help him out to find Lovino wide eyed. The tears he'd had glistening in his eyes from the pain were now pouring down his face. Antonio hated himself. Why had he done this to such a perfect person. Lovino didn't deserve this much pain, this much heartache. Here he was, eight hours into delivering their child. All those dreams, all that ambition that Antonio had initially found so attractive, they had changed. People would say it was gone, but it all went to Luca. He wanted to do so much for him. Antonio hated himself for derailing Lovino, but he didn't hate himself for giving Lovino something he loved more than anything.

He would never admit he knew Matthew had been out with Emma that night. He knew exactly what he was doing when he went over that night. His intention was to try to get Lovino. He had wanted him so badly. He had thought if they just had a little wine, Lovino would loosen up a little and let his desires unleash. He could tell Lovino had years of pent up sexual frustration. He had never intended to get Lovino drunk nor had he intended to get drunk.

His mind could never forget the look in Lovino's hazel eyes, golden at the time, staring at his lips. Antonio wouldn't have tried anything physical had Lovino not shown any sign of not wanting it. And when Lovino had taken a few breaths and trembling ever so slightly, and brushed his lips against his, the world shattered. Antonio swore he could hear it. The feeling of Lovino pressing against him, the pressure of Lovino being aroused, it was the best feeling in the world. Lovino's nervous, hungry eyes staring at him, begging and hesitant all at once. The smile on his lips, the soft laughs Lovino let out after all those years of suppression was so free. Lovino's expression when he saw what Antonio was sure had been his first penis other than his own was so priceless. Antonio could practically hear the thought of how would it fit. It was cute how he really had no idea what to do. And when Antonio started to prep him, the way he squirmed from discomfort and pleasure had been so wonderful. When he pressed into him...Lovino's eyes were glued to Antonio. He knew it was uncomfortable for him, maybe slightly painful, but Antonio knew it'd start to feel good. He loved watching Lovino experience everything for the first time and yet…

It had felt different. Why had Antonio not realized it felt different? Every thrust, the way it felt. There was smooth and rough and smooth and rough. God...why? And he'd found it, the place that made Lovino shiver. It felt different. Why…? It felt different.

"I...I think my water just broke all over your car!" Lovino cried, pulling Antonio away.

"It's okay. You can't help that. It's not your fault." _It's mine. It's all my fault._ "Come on, let's get you inside."

"But they're leather! They're ruined. I ruined your seats. I ruined your car! You love your car!" Lovino babbled.

"It's okay," Antonio had assured him.

Finally after a bit more coaxing Lovino let him pull him gently from the car and walk him to the entrance. A man met them with a wheelchair and wheeled Lovino to labor and delivery. Lovino was whispering to Luca softly that everything was okay. And Antonio hated himself.

Lovino whimpered through a contraction as the nurse, Abby, checked him. He had to be pretty dilated, right? It'd been so long. He'd been at this for hours. He gripped the pillow, wanting to sob, but he couldn't. It would only make the contraction less effective. He was already so tired. He wanted it to be over.

"Looks like you're at a four," Abby smiled.

"A four?" Lovino whimpered, tears falling down his cheeks. "But it's been nine hours!"

"First babies always tend to take a while. You're doing so well. I'm really proud of you. Luca's doing quite well too!" she smiled, looking at the fetal monitor. "Would you like an epidural?"

Lovino shook his head, trying to keep his mind off the pain. He couldn't get the epidural. He had to help Luca. His pain was Luca's pain medicine. Right now Luca was terrified and in pain. His uterus was pushing Luca down into his pelvis and hard against his cervix. He was head first. So much pressure was being exerted on his tiny head. All he could think about was Luca. Each contraction was getting more and more painful. He tried to breathe.

"I can't…" Lovino managed to choke out. "I don't know," He whispered, brushing tears off his face. "It really, really hurts." Lovino glanced at Antonio who was standing by the door with an uncomfortable expression on his face. Lovino could tell he wanted to say something. Lovino glanced back at Abby. "Can I maybe be on the list? I can so no, right?"

"Yes, of course. It's better to be on the list and say no, than to say no and then want it later. Remember I'll be with you for this whole experience, okay? Just you and me. Is this dad?" She gestured toward Antonio.

"Um, y-yeah," Antonio said standing up straight. He cleared his throat and shifted. "I…I'm going to be a dad," he let out a laugh and fell against the wall laughing hard. "A dad. Me. Yep. I'm going to be a dad." He slid down the wall in shock. "I'm going to be a dad…"

"Obviously Antonio, you dumbass," Lovino hissed as he felt another contraction coming on.

"Are you okay, dad?" Abby frowned.

"He's fine!" Lovino snapped.

Abby smiled at him and glanced at Antonio. She dimmed the light and helped Lovino get comfort able while Antonio sat on the floor staring at his hands. She started an IV in the back of his hand. Lovino watched silently as she worked so expertly and quickly. He was so relieved he didn't have a contraction while she had a needle in his hand. She connected him up to fluids to keep in hydrated. He couldn't eat or drink anything now, just ice chips. He didn't mind. He didn't feel like eating or drinking anything. He felt like throwing up. Abby left the room letting Lovino she'd be checking on him through labor and would be there when he delivered. He was glad she'd be there. He liked her. She was so calm and sweet. Her voice was so soothing. He wondered how she could coach him through with that voice. It wasn't demanding like he'd imagine a delivery nurse's voice would sound like.

Lovino's eyes fell on Antonio. It bothered Lovino to see Antonio like this, no, angry. He had nine months to realize this. Lovino didn't believe that he thought it was a joke, not for one minute. Something just told him he knew the second Lovino pushed him out the door that day he told him he was pregnant and Antonio freaked out on him. How could Antonio not know? Lovino broke up with him over that. Even if he had thought it was a joke, he'd had weeks to realize this. Now he was sitting here acting like somehow he had to take a minute because Luca was coming now. No. All Antonio got to do was fuck Lovino and tell him he loved him. He made Lovino believe that and part of him wasn't so sure that was true. He bought a house, sure. He said he loved him. But a part of Lovino that was always in the back of his head was emerging now. He was so angry. Why did Antonio act this way?

Lovino laid in bed, tears in his eyes, a few dripping down into the pillow. He was sure to rub his belly to reassure Luca that it would be okay. Lovino wasn't sure about that either. Would everything be okay? Would Luca be okay? Would he himself? Would Antonio really stay there? Would he really have a perfect house to call home with the man he was in love with and their child? Was he really even in love? How did you know you were in love? Contraction after contraction, Lovino was filled with introspection that he'd never thought about before. It was happening. Luca was coming. He didn't feel like he'd thought this through enough. He loved Luca more than anything in the world and he hadn't even see him really. It was terrifying being pregnant. Labor was painful and terrifying too. But now the thing that shook Lovino the most was Luca.

Antonio sat on the foot of the bed and glanced at Lovino. They hadn't said a word to each other yet. Lovino didn't feel like talking. He needed to breathe and get through this. He needed to focus. He didn't need to worry about Antonio's feelings right now. This wasn't about him. What did he have to go through? He just had to sit there.

"I'm scared, Lovino…" Antonio said softly.

"You?" Lovino let out a laugh. "I really don't give a fuck right now."

Antonio look at him with a hurt expression on his face. Lovino rolled his eyes and focused on getting through one more contraction. One by one. That's how Lovino needed to take this. Just one contraction. Get though one contraction and it was one more behind him. How long had it been? He wanted it to be over. He was so tired already, but it hurt to much to sleep. His body was already exhausted.

"I know you're in pain and feeling a lot of things, but I really think you should listen to how I'm feeling because we're in this together. You know you're not the only one that matters, okay? We both did this. We both chose to sleep with each other. So my feelings are just as valid." Antonio's eyes glistened with tears.

"Well I fucking hate you," Lovino glared.

"What?" Antonio stood up.

"You did this! You're the one who got me drunk so I'd sleep with you! You're the one who got me pregnant! I'm not the only one that matters, fucking cool. But you know what? I don't give a fuck what you have to say. I don't give a shit. You got all the fun. You just enjoyed sex. When I found out, I was so terrified and I went to you and you had the privilege of walking out. And don't you fucking dare to say a word, okay? You never felt that terror. You're not the one who had your father disown you. You didn't lose your family. You didn't lose out on your future. You didn't feel the aches and pains of pregnancy and you don't feel this and you won't feel what it's like to have a child squeezed out of you. So no, I don't give a fuck what you're feeling." Lovino whimpered as a new contraction came.

"You're wrong." Antonio whispered after a minute. "When I came out as bi, my parents didn't speak to me for a month and I lived there."

"Whoop de fucking do," Lovino rolled his eyes. "You didn't lose your family. They still talk to you."

"Whatever…" Antonio rolled his eyes.

More silence between them. Antonio was just sitting there playing with his phone. Lovino was sure he was texting Francis all about this. He was telling him how mean Lovino was about not caring. Lovino didn't care. He stared at the wall counting. He wanted his mom. He wanted his dad. He wanted them to hold him and tell him it was okay. He wanted to tell Matthew and Feli he was here, in labor. He wanted someone with him.

"Hey, Lovi, um, there's something going on. I need to step out for a bit. I'll be right back. I promise." Antonio said kissing Lovino softly on the forehead.

"What?" Lovino whimpered.

"I just have to go outside for just a minute. Francis is having a really hard time, okay? I'm going to talk to him for just a minute, okay? Just one minute, okay?" Antonio smiled, brushing back Lovino's sweat soaked hair.

"But…but…" Lovino didn't know what to say. He didn't want him to go. He didn't want to talk to him either, but he didn't want him to go. God…he didn't want him to go. "Please don't."

"It won't be long," Antonio promised and slipped out leaving Lovino alone.

* * *

Antonio met Francis outside the hospital entrance, trembling. He walked past him quickly, his eyes scanning as he walked. He could hear Francis' footsteps behind him, signaling that his friend was following him. He found a small park, or was it a courtyard? He didn't know and he didn't care. He sat down on a stone bench and lit up a cigarette, offering on to Francis who declined.

"What's wrong, Toni? I thought this would be a good day for you." Francis rubbed his back.

"It should be, shouldn't it?" Antonio wiped his face, holding his cigarette to the side. "I just…I'm going to be a dad, Franny. A dad. I never wanted to be one this young. Everything's done for me now, you know? I can't go out with you drinking and partying and stuff. Gil's gotten old and boring since law school and Emma was the same, studying constantly and working for her career, but you and I, you and I had fun." Antonio flicked the ashes off the end of the burning paper and tobacco.

"Maybe that's a good thing," Francis offered and hugged his cardigan around him despite the hot weather. "We're twenty-seven, Toni. Aren't we old for the clubs and parties? Gil didn't get old and boring. He had Ludwig to take care of and he needed to provide for him and he wanted to be a lawyer after all that weird stuff happened. You know he was determined to adopt Ludwig so they wouldn't be separated. The courts were threatening it. You were there. He had to focus if he was going to keep his little brother. He didn't need to go out anymore. He needed to tone it down. He still came out with us occasionally."

"Yeah, I know," Antonio let out a shuddering breath. "He was a wreck. Paperwork and CPS and constant court dates. I'd never seen Gil work that hard in his life."

"Because he had a little kid to take care of. Emma, she had to take a step back because she had always wanted to be a nurse. She couldn't go out every night, just during term breaks and occasionally after she started working. She met Matthew and she didn't need to go out. She would rather stay home cuddling with him and watching movies at home on the couch than go out to a dark club getting wasted and going home with a random stranger. Honestly since I met Arthur, I haven't wanted to go out so much. We stay in and drink coffee and tea and wine and talk about books and art. We have dinners on the floor in our pajamas." Francis' eyes sparkled, a smile on his lips.

"I know. That's what happens when you get stuck in a relationship," Antonio finished his cigarette started a new one. "I never wanted that. I wanted things to be exciting. I didn't want to settle down until I was older. I mean I established my restaurant and business and I could just go out and do what I wanted. Even with Lovi, I mean, I got this feeling that I could just go out and party. I could come back and fuck him and then we'd sleep or watch a movie. You know when he told me it couldn't be a relationship because he needed to stay focused on school, part of me was so happy and eager to believe him and the other part of me knew it was a relationship to him from the start despite what he said, but he was so buried in school it didn't matter if I went out. I'd come into his apartment and sneak into his room and hug him from behind while he was at his desk doing homework. I'd give him a kiss and lay on his bed and watch him. My little nerd," Antonio's lips curled into a small smile. He wiped his tears. "I'd coax him away and I'd fuck his brains out. He used to do this thing where afterwards, he trace the indentions of my muscles and he'd stare up at me with these innocent eyes. You could see all the excitement and hesitation. Did you know he's a really devoted Catholic? He was so scared to admit he was gay and he finally did and he just wanted it so much. He used to call me in the middle of the night just to talk. And he thought it wasn't a relationship. It was supposed to be sex with us. Just sex and friendship. And I always knew he couldn't do that. A guy like him, no. He's the type of guy who loves unconditionally and he made a vow to himself that whoever he lost his virginity to was who he'd be with forever. He's so sensitive and sweet, but nobody would know that. Somewhere, somewhere along the line we fell in love. I don't know where it was for me. I know for him it was that first kiss. You could see it on his face. The way he looked at me…his eyes would soften just a bit and the corners of his mouth would twitch up. God, I fucked up so bad…"

Antonio held his head in his hands as he sobbed. He was a horrible person. God he hated himself. Why did he even bother? He should just go jump off a bridge or shoot himself or just drink himself to death. The world would be so much better off without him. He'd leave his money to Lovino and Luca for all the trouble he'd caused. He didn't need to be here. All he did was fuck things up. Everything he touched was ruined. It was like that story where everything the person touched turned to stone and they could never even touch the people they loved without turning them to stone. That was him. He sucked the life out of everything. Who was he kidding? He just needed to die already.

"I knew." Antonio whispered. "I knew and I ruined everything."

"You knew what?" Francis asked softly, taking a cigarette now himself. Antonio held his out for Francis to use as a light.

"That night when I went over there, I knew what I wanted. I knew Matthew and Emma were having a date on the couch. I knew after Alfred got back with his date with that girl he was seeing that Matthew would go home and take his brother with him. I knew Lovino was somewhere in that grey space between buzzed and drunk. I knew when I took him to that bedroom. I didn't have a condom besides the one and I should have stopped and told him I was going to get more. I shouldn't have listened, but I got him so turned on and wanted it and I couldn't leave. It felt different and I didn't think about it. I know I took advantage of him and I ruined it. He had this idea of what it'd be like. It was perfect, I promise, but he doesn't remember it. He remembers the next morning, the dull aching and the strange feeling of being stretched out. He remembers feeling terrified and confused. I'd already gotten him pregnant that night and I didn't even know." Antonio felt the embers fall on his arm, but he didn't flinch. The pain felt so good. He deserved to feel pain.

"Antonio, we've been in his position and it's not a good feeling. But you two have this weird thing going on. It's not right you did what you did intentionally. You have never brought alcohol over." Francis frowned.

"When he told me he some guys could get pregnant, I was confused why he was bringing it up. And he told me. I didn't believe him at the time, but when I went home, I knew it was true. I saw the fear in his eyes, the tears. He was serious and I just…I knew. I told him to get an abortion, but I tried to play it off as me thinking it was a joke. I loved him. I love him, but I never wanted a child, Francis. Not now. I make it seem like he's the one who left me, but I had already walked away the second he told me. I knew. And I knew I was in love with him. I knew I wanted him and I knew I ruined his life. I loved him. I do love him." Antonio lit another cigarette and watched the embers. It was all he could do not to stick it into his skin.

"I had a feeling…" Francis frowned. "That's not okay, but I'm glad you're owning up to it."

"I ruined his life. I put him through pain and suffering. I cost him his family, his job, his education. He had a full ride, Francis, a full ride and he dropped out. He can't get that back. He had dreams of being a doctor. He was this little nerd who would talk to me about science and the body, but he stopped. That fire he had in him, I put it out. I did so much to him and I can't even sit in the room with him while the labor gets worse and worse. It's been close to fifteen hours now and I can't do it. I can't watch him writhe in pain, Francis. I know I caused him that pain, but I can't do it. Dios mio, I am so selfish. I think I'm going to leave. He's going to just be in more pain and I can't, I can't watch him give birth. I told him not to. I begged him to get the surgery. But no, he's so selfless he's going to cause himself so much pain and trauma for Luca. I could never do that. I'm sitting here with you because I can't listen to him whimper or cry for another minute or I'm going to just kill myself." Antonio brushed his skin with the burning end hoping Francis didn't notice. He wondered what it'd be like to burn to death.

"Well…" Francis was quiet for a moment and brought his knees up to his chest and faced Antonio. "You've done a lot of horrible things, mon ami, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You can't change the past, Antonio, but you can choose the future. I know you regret hurting him and you never meant to. You're a sweet person, but you are careless at times. You want your family to take you seriously and you want your siblings to finally respect you, right?" Antonio nodded. "Then go back in there. You sit with him and wipe away his tears and hold him. Rub his back, hold his hand, feed him ice chips. Hold the trash or barf bag or whatever when he throws up, because that isn't uncommon. Be there for him. Maybe seeing him suffer so much will show you that you need to be more cautious. If you love him like you say you do, you'll do anything for him and right now, he's scared and he needs you, okay?"

"I'm scared," Antonio whispered.

"I know, but he's terrified and he needs you to be brave. He needs you. You two are so complicated, but I know you love him. So go," Francis stood up and pulled Antonio to his feet.

"Okay, okay, I'll go. Gracias, Francis," Antonio whispered and let Francis hug him. He wrapped his arms around him and took one final deep breath and brushed away the tears.

"Are you going to be okay?" Francis asked, holding him at arm's distance.

"Si…at least I think I am."

"Good. Well I need to get back. It's getting late and I'm sure Arthur is going to try to cook for me. I have to get back before he burns the apartment down." A smiled danced on the man's lips.

"When am I going to meet this mysterious Arthur you talk about so much?"

"When the time is right. I really think I have something good with him. I'll see you later, Toni. I expect to get photos and time of birth and weight and size the second you can."

"Of course," Antonio forced a smile.

"Au revoir," Francis blew a kiss to him as he left.

_I can do this._ Antonio took a deep breath and walked back to Lovino's room.

* * *

Lovino was getting checked for dilation when Antonio got back. Lovino was squeezing a pillow to his chest for dear life, tears sliding down his face. Lovino was always so reserved when it came to Antonio putting his fingers up there to stretch him out. He wouldn't look at Antonio, rather he would stare at the ceiling or hold his arm over his eyes. He told him it was embarrassing. Antonio couldn't imagine it now. He had to have had so much poking and prodding and now Abby was there checking his cervix. Antonio felt sick to his stomach.

"You're at a six! So you're progressing," she smiled.

"I can't do this anymore," Lovino whispered. "It hurts so much. I can't take it anymore." He buried his face in the pillow and sobbed. Antonio watched Abby crouch down in front of Lovino and rub his back.

"I know it hurts, Lovino. You're doing so great. You've been at this for fifteen hours and you've been a champ." Lovino looked up at her. "You're on the list. The anesthesiologist will be here soon and you can let him know."

"I'm letting Luca down," Lovino whispered. "I promised him I'd give him all the endorphins he needs to not feel it. I promised him."

"I know, Lovino, I know. That's very nice of you, but if you are worn out and on the edge, I'm sure Luca will be okay. He needs you to be rested enough for delivery and to hold him. You're getting so close. Soon he'll be here."

Lovino nodded and brushed the tears off his cheeks. His eyes fell on Antonio. He held his hand out to him. Abby stepped out as Antonio went to Lovino, taking his hand. Lovino played with his hand, rubbing Antonio's palm. Antonio rubbed circles on the back of Lovino's hand. They sat like this for a moment before Lovino's tear filled eyes met his.

"I'm sorry." His voice was just barely above a whisper.

"What do you have to be sorry about, Lovi?" Antonio kissed his forehead.

"I can't do this. I told you I could and I thought I could, but I can't. I'm sorry I'm giving up." Antonio frowned and brushed the tears off Lovino's cheeks.

"You're amazing, Lovino. I couldn't do this. I couldn't deal with a fraction of this. You're so brave and I love you so much and if an epidural is what it takes, then do it. I'm proud of you no matter what. Luca will be okay. He knows you're here."

Lovino nodded as the anesthesiologist walked through the door. He introduced himself and had Lovino sit on the side of the bed. Antonio held him as Lovino had to curl as much as he could despite contractions. He watched silently as Lovino's back was swabbed with betadine. A sterile needle was jabbed into Lovino's back causing him to his and jump slightly. He whimpered, but Antonio wasn't sure if it was from the labor or the needle. A long catheter was threaded in and the needle as removed. A large dressing was applied and Lovino was able to sit. As the medicine infused, Lovino let out a sigh of relief almost instantly.

"This is magic," Lovino whispered. "I don't feel the pain anymore. It's just pressure."

"That's good," Antonio smiled.

"Yeah…"

Lovino stared at the wall, tears falling down his face. He couldn't feel the pain anymore, but he could feel the pressure of the contraction. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep, but he couldn't. He could feel Luca squirming around frantically, especially during the breaks between contractions. He was scared…

"Why are you crying, mi amor? Are you in pain? Do you need more?" Lovino shook his head to answer Antonio's question.

"He's scared." Lovino whispered. "I can feel him moving so much. He's scared and probably in pain. He's being forced down into my cervix head first. He's so scared. There's nothing I can do to help him. I just have to lay here and wait. I want him to not be scared," Lovino sobbed into Antonio's shirt.

"I know, baby, I know," Antonio whispered rubbing his back. "Get some rest so you have enough energy to get him out quickly, okay?"

Lovino nodded. Antonio was holding him and whispering sweet things. It calmed him down and he felt Luca calm as well. Pure love was all Lovino felt as he fell asleep.

* * *

"Push, push, push!" Dr. Evans coaxed.

Lovino was trying so hard. He was exhausted and it hurt so bad. Two hours. He'd been at this for two hours. He was drenched in sweat, tears filled his eyes. He just wanted to give up. It had been so long. Twenty-six hours of labor and he was still going. He fell back against the bed. He closed his eyes and laid his arm across his face. He wanted his mom. He had never wanted her more than now. She'd help him.

"Okay, Lovino, I need you to not push. You're baby is coming out of your vagina into the anal canal. If you feel the need to push, every gently, remember?" Dr. Evans instructed.

Lovino nodded with a whimper as his contractions pushed Luca further and further down. The stretching was so painful. He just wanted it to stop. Despite this pain, he didn't want a C-section. This was good for Luca. God, when would it be over? The pain just got worse and worse. It was a burning feeling and if he wasn't mistaken, he was sure he felt tearing.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Lovino cried.

"Okay, he's crowning. Breathe, Lovino, breathe." Dr. Evans smiled up at him. "Gently now. Push, push, push."

Lovino let out a soft scream as Luca's head was born. He took another breath and pushed once more. He could feel Luca's body slip out as the room filled with the loud cries of his baby. It was over. He let out a laugh and brushed his tears away. They set Luca on him and dried him off. Lovino smiled, touching his child. He couldn't him up yet. He was still attached. He was so small. Lovino had never known anything could be that tiny. He watched them clamp the cord and give Antonio the scissors to cut. A pang went through Lovino's heart. This was it. They were connected anymore. Luca wasn't safe now. He could be hurt or taken away from him. Lovino was the only person who could keep him safe and now…

Abby smiled and congratulated him. She picked up Luca and set him in a warmer while they did a quick check on him. Lovino's eyes were glued to his tiny baby. They put a blue band on his ankle. Lovino barely noticed as they slipped a pink bracelet on his wrist. A blue band was attached to Antonio's wrist. He didn't care. He didn't hear anything anyone was saying. His baby was finally here. After all those months he was here. Lovino could hold him and touch him and see him.

"Five pounds, ten ounces! Tiny little tot. He's nineteen and a half inches long." Abby smiled.

"Can I hold him?" Antonio breathed.

"Not yet. We're going to do skin to skin with mama for an hour to keep Luca warm and promote bonding. You're more than welcome to hold him after that when mama says it's okay." Abby picked Luca up and laid him on Lovino's chest.

"Just for a minute?" Antonio asked.

"No, the sooner we do skin to skin the better it is for them both." She was firm in her decision.

Lovino couldn't care less that Antonio was so upset. He hadn't been through this. All Lovino had dreamed about his whole pregnancy was seeing his baby. He was perfect. His hands and feet were still a pale white blue, but the rest of him was so red. He was so small. Lovino held him, new tears falling down his face, only instead of pain, it was love. The baby wiggled a bit and suddenly was on Lovino's nipple. He inhaled sharply at the feeling of the tiny mouth on him. Luca's tongue grazed him a few times before he started suckling. It was so uncomfortable, but Lovino didn't stop him. His little boy had been through a lot. He needed to be nourished.

"Will it always hurt?" Lovino glanced at Abby. "Him nursing."

"It shouldn't hurt. He may be on wrong. Let's see." She hovered over him and nodded. "Let's take him off and put him back on, okay? His mouth should cover all of this area or it's going to hurt and he's not going to be getting any milk whatsoever." She repositioned Luca. "Is that better? That is a great latch."

"Um, yeah. It still feels uncomfortable…and weird."

"I know, but you'll get used to it. It's very common for you to have sore nipples at first since you're not used to having a baby sucking at them every few hours."

Lovino nodded. He whimpered as contractions started again. Dr. Evans asked him to push to deliver the placenta. He didn't want to. It was ruining his moment with Luca. He did as was instructed and barely acknowledged that he was going to get stitches besides the sharp pinch of the lidocaine needle. He couldn't be bothered with that right now. He had Luca. He was feeding Luca. Everything was over. It didn't matter anymore that he wasn't in school or that he and his father weren't speaking. He didn't care that he and Antonio were still not sure what they were and they were still figuring it out. All that mattered was Luca.

"Lovi," Antonio smiled and went to kiss, Lovino who turned away. Antonio's kiss landed on his cheek. "I'm so proud of you. You did so well. I love you."

"I love you too," Lovino murmured, his eyes not leaving Luca. "Tonio?"

"Hm?"

"Don't ever touch me again."

"What?"

"Don't ever touch me again," Lovino's eyes flicked up to Antonio. "I'm never having sex ever again."

"Okay…" Antonio let out a laugh.

"I'm serious." Lovino brushed a tear off his face.

"But you love sex," Antonio smiled. "You're just saying this right now."

"No, I'm not. You didn't push a baby out of your ass. You don't know how painful that is. Sure, my body makes that possible and doesn't do horrible damage. It still hurts. Do. Not. Ever. Touch. Me. Again."

"Okay, fine," Antonio huffed. "Can I hold him when he's done nursing?"

"No." Lovino whispered. "Abby said an hour and I have been dying to hold him for months."

"Just a minute," Antonio asked softly. He caressed Luca's arm.

"Leave him alone!" Lovino snapped. "He's my baby."

"He's my baby too," Antonio pouted.

"Okay." Lovino didn't care.

"I'm going out. I'll bring you food," Antonio tried to hold back tears.

"Okay. Can you pick up Feliciano? I told him he didn't have to take the bus to go to his chemo treatment today. Then he can come see me and meet Luca."

"Whatever…" Antonio muttered.

Feliciano walked Antonio into the hospital room, an eager smile on this face. The lights were dimmed. Loving was on his side facing away from the door toward a small clear crib. It took everything in him not to rim straight from the baby. He glanced back at Antonio was standing behind him, hugging himself, his eyes shifting. Feliciano rolled his eyes. He was so tired of Antonio trying to play victim. He didn't buy the anxious act, not one bit. He sent a glare at the man and skipped over to his brother.

He knew he was going to be exhausted. While Feliciano wanted nothing more than to meet his baby nephew, he wanted to comfort his brother more. Feliciano crawled into bed, ignoring Antonio's protests that no one was allowed in bed with Lovino. He noted Lovino's stomach had seemed to have gone down quite a bit when he hugged him.

Lovino stirred with sleepy eyes. He looked up at him and smiled turning to sit up. Feliciano frowned as a pang with through him at Lovino's hiss and whimper and teary eyes. He watched him take a few breaths. He held his arms out to Feliciano who rushed to hug him.

"Do you want to meet him?" Lovino whispered. "He's perfect. I love him so much. He's okay." Lovino let out a soft laugh.

"Yes, so much!" Feliciano beamed.

"Tonio, can you let Feli hold him?" Lovino said just barely a whisper.

Feliciano glanced over at Antonio who looked like he had just picked up the sleeping baby. His eyes stared, tearful between Lovino who was now playing with the sheets and Feliciano. He glanced at Luca and jet his jaw.

"I'm his father and I've never held him…" Antonio said softly, bringing Luca to his chest protectively.

"And whose fault is that?" Feliciano snapped. "You're holding him now, aren't you?"

"L-Lovino had to hold him skin to skin for an hour. It's a hospital policy. I needed air. It's none of your business, but I haven't been doing great. I picked you up and now I'd like to hold my son."

"You haven't been doing great?" Feliciano scoffed. "I've been going through chemo almost a year and here I am. I stood by Lovi through everything and you feel entitled?"

"No, I...I...I…" Antonio stuttered tears in his eyes. "Lovi…"

"Please, Tonio? I don't want to deal with the two of you arguing. I know you want to hold him, but my brother is stubborn and he _has_ been wanting to meet him as long I as I have. He has to leave for his chemo treatment in like twenty minutes. You'll get to hold him after. I promise." Lovino gave Antonio a begging expression.

"Lovi…" Antonio plead.

"Please?"

"Fine."

Antonio glanced at Luca, his face softening. He snuggled him and kissed him before sending a glare at Feliciano who returned with a smug smirk. Antonio glanced at Lovino then walked over to Feliciano who eagerly took him. He watched Antonio for a moment, making sure he wouldn't take Luca back. He sat opposite Feli next to Lovino, taking his hand, whispering a soft "I love you" that Feli doubted was true. Antonio leaned over and kissed Lovino. Feliciano watched with a small smile at the sweetness of the kiss. Lovino's hand holding Antonio's face. Feliciano had never seen his brother kiss anyone before. He wished it wasn't Antonio. The two rested their foreheads together, Antonio holding Lovino's hand, rubbing circles. They began whispering to each other. Feliciano felt safe to give attention to his nephew knowing his brother was okay.

He gasped staring down at Luca. Big blue eyes stared back at him. He was bundled up tightly like a cocoon, a small blue hat with a teddy bear face was on his head, though a little too big. He was perfect. He had a cute button nose.

"Can I unwrap him?" Feliciano whispered.

"Just for a moment. He can get cold," Antonio shifted.

The boy unwrapped his nephew gently eliciting an agitated whimper. "It's okay," Feliciano murmured. "He's so tiny…"

"Five pounds ten ounces. Nineteen and a half inches long. He's very small, but, it was uncomfortable the whole time and I was huge. Fucking hell he hurt coming out…" Lovino told him softly, his eyes on Luca.

"Wow…" Feliciano awed.

He played with Luca's fingers. He'd never seen anything that small. His skin was so soft. He wanted to see his little feet, but he had a matching onesie on. He was so cute. A warmth and then a smell caused the boy to giggle. Luca let out a small whimper, hands in his mouth and turning toward Feliciano.

"I think he pooped. He's trying to eat me." Feliciano let out a giggle as he handed the baby to Lovino.

Lovino snuggled Luca. His heart raced. This was Luca's first dirty diaper. He had done this so many times on a doll, but Luca was so small. How could he do it like that? He was so fragile. He glanced at Antonio and laid the child on the bed in front of him. It hurt so much, but he had to do it. Luca needed to be changed. He stared at Luca and took a deep breath.

"Are you alright?" Antonio asked setting a diaper and wipes on the bed. "You look anxious."

"I...I've never changed a real baby. What if I hurt him?" Tears glistened in his eyes.

"You won't. I promise." Antonio smiled and brushed away his tears. "I'll help you. Would you like me to do it first?"

Lovino nodded and watched Antonio. Luca fussed the whole time. He hated hearing his baby cry. Was Antonio hurting him? How would they know? He was so small. He can't talk. People told him you know a baby's cry. Lovino wasn't so sure. He wanted to snatch Luca away from Antonio, but the dark, tar-like stool needed to come off. What was it called again? Meconium?

"You're hurting him," Lovino finally managed to choke out.

"No, he's just fussing because I'm changing him and it's cold. He's okay," Antonio smiled and kissed Lovino on the forehead.

Lovino nodded, keeping his eyes on Luca was frowning pathetically as he sucked on his hands. Again. How many times had it been now? Three and he was only eight hours old. Again. Lovino winced just at the thought. It wasn't comfortable.

Antonio bundled Luca up and cuddled him for a moment. It wasn't fair. Why could Antonio do that and he couldn't? Why was Antonio so good at this? Lovino watched the baby root around on Antonio who laughed and handed Luca over to his Papa.

Lovino took him carefully. He was so scared he'd break. He didn't want to touch him. Yet the instant he held Luca to him, he so overwhelmed with love and emotion he could do nothing except cry. Those little eyes staring at him, the little fingers holding his. Tiny.

Lovino stared at him. He loved him, but who was this baby? He didn't know him, but he loved him. It felt so strange. This tiny human looked at him like he was the world, but Lovino...Lovino didn't know him.

"Lovi?" Feli touched his shoulder.

"Huh," Lovino jumped.

"Are you going to feed him?" Lovino glanced down at Luca.

"Y-yeah." Lovino stammered.

He let his hospital gown fall away from one side as he positioned Luca. Almost instantly he felt the warmth of Luca's mouth and strong sucking. Lovino bit his lip as he got used to the first few minutes. It felt wrong. It felt all wrong. He didn't feel what he had before. All he felt was frustration. He wanted sleep. Everything hurt and this, this, this baby…

Feli laid his head on Lovino's shoulder and curled up to him. He didn't say anything at first, just cuddled him.

"You grew a cute baby," Feliciano smiled. "He's perfect."

"Yeah…" Lovino agreed.

The child _was_ perfect. Lovino couldn't deny that. He was so tiny, so sweet. He loved so completely. Lovino took a deep breath and smiled down at Luca, his Luca. Why was he doubting him? He loved Luca, so why was he having such a hard time connecting now? When he'd first been born, when he first met him, it had been so strong and now…

"How was it?" Feliciano asked softly, sitting back.

"Um…" Lovino swallowed, not taking his eyes off Luca. "It...um…"

"I've never seen a person in that much pain. It was horrific." Antonio shuddered.

"I'm sorry, did you have a baby? No? I'm not talking to you," Feliciano glared.

"Can the two of you get along for just one minute?" Lovino begged, closing his eyes.

"Lo siento…" Antonio mumbled.

"He hurt you," Feli said quietly. "I can't overlook that. I don't like him."

"Please, Feli? I am so tired. I don't need fighting. Please?" Lovino sat teary-eyes.

"I'm sorry," Feli huffed. "So?"

"I don't really know how to put it. The contractions hurt. It was gradual though. I ended up getting an epidural, but it still hurt. I woke up to horrible pain. And then I pushed for a little over two hours. It felt like I was going to split in half. It hurt so much," Lovino sniffled. "It was a total of twenty-six hours of labor. I had to have stitches." Lovino brushed the tears away angrily.

"Oh...wow…" Feli breathed.

"It still hurts. They said I could have something for the pain, but I don't want to hurt Luca. They told me it will be okay, but I'm not so sure." Lovino played with Luca's fingers.

"Lovi, you need to take care of yourself. If you don't, bad things can happen. Remember what Dr. Evans said? It can increase postpartum depression and psychosis. That would be bad." Feli frowned at him.

"I know, but...I don't want to hurt Luca," Lovino whispered.

"Being in pain and exhausted isn't going to help Luca." Feliciano said gently.

"He's right, Lovi. You need to sleep, eat, drink, take your pain meds. You haven't done any of that," Antonio agreed.

Lovino picked Luca up in an attempt to burp him. He felt so angry. How could they sit there and attack him? They had no idea. Twenty-six hours of intense labor and delivery had completely wipes him out. He had to stay awake that hour he held Luca. He'd fed him for the first time during that hour. Luca took up the majority of that time eating...well half, maybe a little less than half. Now he was being woken up by either Luca or the nurse coming in to check him and Luca. She meant well, making sure he wasn't hemorrhaging. His whole body ached. His bottom hurt so badly. His nipples were already so sore. He couldn't eat like that. Besides he had no time. They didn't give him credit. He'd been taking small naps.

He switched Luca to the other side, wincing as Luca latched. He was supposed to get used to this, but it was so uncomfortable. His nipples were so irritated. But Luca stared at him like he was the world. That was the only thing that made it bearable. Luca was the only reason he wasn't dead yet. He loved Luca and that kept him going. Luca loved him. Even if all Lovino had in this world was Luca, it'd still be worth it. A small smile danced on his lips as he played with his baby's hand.

"Do you want the food I got?" Antonio asked.

Loving shrugged. He didn't know, nor did he care. He wanted to be alone. He just...just...just needed to be without the pressure. Feli sitting next to him, weak and tired, broke his heart. He should be at home, not minutes away from another dose. He kissed his cheek as he left the room. Antonio was a mess and his family was dying to come see Luca. He just wanted everything to stop. He did want to look up from Luca. Luca was it and maybe Luca was too innocent for the world.

Loving struggled to eat. He didn't want to, but Antonio was making sure he ate. He felt like he was being forced. He'd agreed to the pain medication with Antonio's insistence. He didn't feel better. There wasn't pain, sure, and the food was satisfying to aching in his stomach, but he felt worse. He wanted Luca. He _needed _Luca. Seeing Antonio holding him…

"My family wants to come up. I told them it was alright. They'll be quiet. I said you needed to sleep."

Antonio smiled at Lovino. How could he do that? How dare he take his eyes off of Luca. He needed Luca. He wanted him back. It wasn't fair that he'd been born. He should have stayed in him forever. At least he was safe there. Nobody could hurt him or ignore him. Why was Antonio ignoring him?

"Give me Luca," Lovino tried to snap. It came out with a whimper.

"You need to eat. You've only had a few bites…"

"I don't want to eat!" Lovino shouted, throwing the food. "I can't. I'm sick of you trying to force me to do things and I want my baby and I want to be alone and hate this. I want to go home. I want this to be over. I want this to have never happened."

Tears poured down his cheeks. He hugged himself and sobbed. He just wanted Luca. He glanced at the food. Antonio had tried so hard to bring him food and now it was scattered on the bed. God, what was wrong with him.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Lovino repeated.

"Shhhh," Antonio hugged him. He loved the way it felt to be in his arms, take in the smell of vanilla and faint cigarettes. He'd grown to find comfort in that scent. "What you're feeling is normal. You're exhausted. You just had a baby! You did so well. I'm so proud of you. Now your hormones are going crazy. You're going to feel and think things that will scare you or make you feel badly. It's okay. It gets better. You've gone through so much at once. You're not sure if it's real. It's okay. I know you're hurting. You just need to take care of yourself. Please eat, Lovi…"

"Why did it happen?" Lovino whispered, wiping his face with a hand. "My body isn't supposed to do this. Twenty years I never knew. Maybe I would have never known. I hate this. It feels wrong. This does that feel like my body, Tonio. My body doesn't stretch and grow a human. My body doesn't push one out. My body wouldn't make milk. Why me, Toni? Why did this happen? I was doing do well in school. I was closer than ever to my dad. Feli was okay. I met you and I had my first kiss and I had sex and I loved it. Twenty weeks of amazing sex and the relief of finally letting everything out that I'd pent up. And I got pregnant. I wasn't supposed to. Why?" Lovino sobbed.

"Shhh, Lovi, sweetheart...I know it's hard to understand. I know how hard this has been. I know you have these thoughts from time to time. It's normal. You have Luca." Antonio smiled.

"I know. I love him," Lovino smiled through his tears. "I love him so much."

"I know." Antonio held him a little tighter. "You're going to be the best mom, sorry, papa ever." He planted a soft kiss on his lips.

"Can I have the food back?"

"Of course."

Lovino thanked Antonio as he ate. He felt embarrassed that he'd broken down like that. He'd really accepted it a while ago. Sure things were different now. He wasn't pregnant, rather he had just given birth. He was bleeding and cramping and this was supposed to go on for about six weeks. He was nursing Luca as well. New aspects of his being intersex were coming out and he was having to adjust. He would. He was sure of it. It would just take time. He was so thankful for Antonio being so supportive. He could have left. He could have ignored him, but he didn't. He'd see the breakdowns just as Feli had.

* * *

The door opened and a slew of people walked into the small room. Antonio hugged them with a smile. The room was full of Spanish. So this was Antonio's family. He'd finally get to meet them. They hadn't looked at him since they came in the room. Lovino watched them carefully as he ate. They were passing around Luca, cooing over how cute he was. Lovino kept one eye on his baby. He was not about to let him get hurt.

"Where's mama?" A tall girl with sandy blonde hair asked.

"Oh...um…" Antonio rubbed the back of his head nervously. "It's Papa actually."

"What?"

The whole group turned toward him. Six surprised faces and Antonio's nervous, apologetic one. They glanced back at Antonio then at Lovino. He could see their confusion. It wasn't as though they were trying to hide it after all. Lovino's eyes instantly went to Luca. If they were distracted by him, what would happen to Luca?

"H-hi," Lovino lifted a hand. "I'm Lovino."

"Seriously Antonio? Seriously?" a man with wire glasses and greying brown hair Lovino assumed was Antonio's father. "You have a child like this and don't tell us?"

"How?" the sandy brown asked with a look of disgust.

"Lovino's intersex. He can have children. We didn't know when we...ya know." Antonio let out a nervous laugh.

"I think someone is lying," he eyes fell on Lovino.

"It's not a joke, Maria. You can look at the little pad he has. It was so scary. His doctor specializes in this stuff. This is Lovino, my boyfriend, the mother of our child." Antonio glanced at Lovino for approval.

"Hm…" Maria glanced at a man who looked similar to their father, though a little younger.

"It's very nice to meet you, Lovino," a woman with dark black hair and green eyes. She sat next to him while the family talked to Antonio. She brought him Luca. "Here's your baby. I saw how you were watching him like a hawk."

"Thank you…" Lovino mumbled.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm okay," Lovino responded.

"You had a baby a little over twelve hours ago. You're not okay." She winked with a knowing smile. "I'm Antonio's mom."

Lovino chewed his lip, fighting back his tears. Nobody had ever said that. He could tell the truth. Antonio, Feli, they didn't understand. They'd never had a child. They didn't, couldn't, understand what it was like. They didn't understand pregnancy. They never understood that while part of him hated the experience, the aches and pains and weird hormones, he loved it in general. He loved feeling Luca and having him close. You could do them both at the same time. They didn't understand. He finally had someone who understood.

"I feel like shit," Lovino whispered with a laugh. It was so freeing. "Everything hurts. I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally spent. I don't know…"

"I do not miss those days," she frowned. "It's not pleasant."

"When he was crowning, I felt like I was going to split in half," Lovino whispered. "This wasn't supposed to happen. I was in college. Pre-med, double majoring in biochemistry and biology with a minor in chemistry. I had a 4.0 GPA. I was on a full ride scholarship at Rutgers in New Brunswick. I had a year and a half left before medical school." Lovino took a deep breath to keep from crying.

"Antonio told me about the smart guy he was seeing. He really found that to be interesting. He loves it." she smiled.

"I received medical school acceptance letters in the middle of my pregnancy. I had dropped out and my roommate was trying to get my mail to me. I got multiple offers, scholarships. And then I get the retraction letters because they found out I dropped out. I promised my mom. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be gay or intersex. I'm just supposed to be in school." Lovino wiped the tears away.

"Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you can't do those things, Lovino. Antonio tells me you're the smartest person he's met and if you're as smart as he is, you'll be able to do both," she smiled taking his hand. "And don't you worry aI bout child care because you just call me up and I'll come help you. That offer stands even if my son isn't all in. I see how you seem worried about that. I have gone through that too. But I am, okay? You're going to do wonderful things with your life. This is just a detour. You don't have to give up on your dreams."

"I don't know if I can." Lovino stared at his sleeping child. He was so peaceful, so relaxed in his arms. Luca trusted him, relied on him. "But I have to try...for Luca."

The woman smiled at him softly and rubbed back his hair. Lovino watched her quietly. Her touch was like his mother's. Just the way she spoke and her attitude. It was so comforting, but it made him long for his mother more. He wished she could be there.

"Why isn't your mom able to make it? After all her little baby boy had a baby. That's big news. And you're a parent now. You'll understand why I called you her little baby boy. We never see our children as anything less."

"My mom passed away on the Christmas before I turned eight," Lovino whispered. "I'm twenty-one and I miss her more and more every day. I wanted her so much during all of this. I needed her and I need her now and she's not here and it hurts..." Tears streamed down his face.

"Oh dear," she frowned. "I couldn't imagine. I'm so sorry." She squeezed his hand. "I know I'm far from the lady your mother was, but I know you have questions and needs that a mother provides. You're family now, like it or not. I'm here for you. One hundred percent."

Lovino stared at her. She had a kind face. He could see the lines of age throughout it, but it didn't make her look older. No, it made her look kinder. Her golden skin contrasted with her dark brown hair, which she wore in loose curls. Green eyes searching him. He had just barely met her and yet he loved her and felt the need to spill his guts.

"Okay," he whispered. "I'm going to need a lot because the only family I have left is my baby brother and he's sick. He's getting chemo right now, but he'll come back in a couple hours. My father and I don't speak."

"Well," she put an arm around him. "welcome to the family. I'm sorry about your brother."

"Yeah...he, he's in remission. Just doing maintenance chemo."

"I'm sorry. I would like to help." She smiled.

"I'd like that." For the first time in a long time, Lovino didn't feel so lost.

* * *

_**There you have it! LUCA! **_

_**Please review. I really hope you enjoyed this chatper!**_

_**Review?**_


	29. Chapter 29

**_hey, omg, sorry for taking so long to update. My meds were switched and I just couldn't think at all. There are gonna be some jumps in time from here on out. I hope you enjoy it. _**

* * *

Lovino leaned against the couch, his knees pulled toward him, cradling Luca between him and his chest as his arm supported him. Luca stared up at him with those big blue eyes that were destined to change now that he was born. Lovino wondered what color they'd be in the end, but he would bet anything they were going to be the same emerald as his father's. Luca looked so much like Antonio. He'd seen the baby pictures. They were identical. For whatever reason that hurt Lovino. Why was it that he had gone through so much to have Luca and the child came out looking like Antonio? It was a cruel joke.

He leaned his head back and glanced around the living room. The fireplace was the focus of the room. Lovino loved that. It didn't matter that there was a television bolted to the wall above the mantle. The fireplace was where your eyes fell in the room. So many nights Lovino had fallen asleep next to an open fire with Feliciano between him and their father. Roma didn't sleep those nights. Lovino had never thought about it until now. He'd wake up shivering to find his father tending to the dying fire, trying desperately to keep it aflame. He'd smile and tell him to go to back to sleep. Sitting here, nursing Luca, Lovino realized his father never slept. He was scared to let the fire die. Terrified more that the fire would jump from the hearth and harm the boys. Lovino, God willing, would never have to worry about Luca that way. Antonio would provide for them. He built this house. They were home.

Home.

The word felt so strange. Nothing felt real. Not Luca, not Antonio, not the house, not even himself. It was a dream. It had to be a dream. Some horrible dream. Any minute he'd wake up in bed next to Antonio and he'd tell him the funny, horrible, terrifying story of being intersex and having a baby. But for now he just had to stay in the dream.

In the week and a half since Luca had been born, Lovino had felt this way. In a constant balance struggle with reality and dreaming. He wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't. He hadn't slept. Maybe that's why he felt so strange. He couldn't. Luca ate every two hours like clockwork and every three at night. He just needed to sleep. At least his body didn't feel like it had been hit by a truck as much. His muscles weren't aching anymore and the pain in his lower back and bottom wasn't so severe. Often times he didn't feel it. His nipples were healing and it didn't hurt anymore to breastfeed. He knew it'd be better soon, but would it? God, he was so exhausted.

Antonio wasn't home. He could smell the scent of dinner cooking wafting from the kitchen, but he knew Antonio had gone to the store. That meant Antonio's family was up. What time was it? Lovino had such a hard time keeping time these days. He just knew he was tired. He could hear people talking softly in the kitchen and now that he was listening, there was a faint sound of children playing outside. Why couldn't he tell what time it was? How long had it really been?

Lovino glued his eyes to Luca as he fought the tears pooling in his eyes. He'd cried so much since Luca had been born. He didn't have any sense of modesty left. Luca helped to ground him. He played with Luca's hand. His fist gripped so tightly. It was always impressive to Lovino how strong his baby was. He never let go. He was so perfect. He loved him so much. God, this child was such a blessing. If he could hold him forever, it'd all be okay. He didn't want Luca to ever leave. Why did they have to cut the cord? Why couldn't Luca stay connected to him for good? He was so small. What if he got lost? What if he got hurt? Lovino couldn't forgive himself. He had to do everything to protect his baby Luca.

The sound of Antonio coming through the front door caught Lovino's attention. He was struggling with an armful of bags as he kicked the door closed behind him. He smiled at Lovino. Lovino forced a smile back. He wanted Antonio now. He just needed him to hold him and make everything feel okay. If he could push away all the fear…only Antonio could do that. Antonio set the bags down in the kitchen and exchanged words with his mom and sister. Lovino watched Antonio frown softly. He wasn't the same with his family. Lovino didn't know what was wrong, but every time they talked to him recently, Antonio would look frustrated. He looked almost like a child being told he couldn't do something. Lovino wasn't used to Antonio not cooking. The entire time he'd known him, cooking was Antonio's thing. Nobody took it away from him and now he watched daily as they'd push him from the kitchen.

"Hola mi amor," Antonio breathed sitting next to Lovino. "How's my baby doing today?"

Lovino said nothing, just leaned against him. He loved the way he felt in Antonio's arms. Safe. Secure. Warm. He closed his eyes despite the suckling on his breast. He just needed a few minutes of rest.

"It seems like both of you are sleepy," Antonio laughed softly, rubbing Lovino's arm

"Si," Lovino whispered. He felt Luca pull away. He opened his eyes to see Luca snuggled against him, sleeping.

"Antonio, take him upstairs for a break and some rest. Luca's been fed and is sleeping. The both of you need rest too. Go on," Antonio's mother appeared, taking Luca from Lovino without asking. He was too tired to protest, but he felt the same pain as when they cut the cord.

"We can take Luca with us," Antonio insisted.

"No, mijo. Bed. Both of you. Now."

Antonio sighed and stood up. Lovino didn't want to let him go. Why wouldn't Antonio's family let them just be a family? Why couldn't he just curl up on the couch with the two loves of his life? Why did someone always have to cut in and tell Antonio what to do and take Luca? Lovino never protested. He had in the beginning, but he'd learned it didn't do anything to protest. They'd do what they wanted and Lovino was just too tired these days. He let Antonio pull him to his feet and lead him slowly up the stairs.

"Luca," Lovino whispered softly.

"Mama has him. She'll take care of him while we sleep," Antonio's lips brushed against Lovino's cheek.

Antonio led him to the bed and helped ease him down. Lovino's eyes filled with tears at the pain. It faded quickly. Antonio covered Lovino up before walking around to the other side of the bed. Lovino waited for Antonio. Once he was in bed, Lovino clung to him as strong arms wrapped around him. He felt him kiss his forehead.

"Te amo, Lovino."

"Te amo." Lovino muttered as his eyes fluttered shut and he was pulled to sleep.

* * *

Antonio sighed and played with his phone as his family buzzed around him. He wanted to go his room and hold Lovino and tell him how much he loved him and take a nap with his arms wrapped around the man he loved. Why hadn't he stayed upstairs? Why hadn't he napped when he had the chance? He couldn't sleep then. Lovino didn't have the same light in his eyes. He had been so much quieter after Luca was born. He held the baby and cried. He barely talked. Antonio could see he was in pain. Every time he switched position he'd wince. Lovino didn't complain. Tears just were a common thing in his eyes. Hormones and pain and exhaustion. Every hour and a half to three hours, Luca was announce loudly he was hungry and in desperate need for food. Lovino would squirm almost unnoticeable and expose his breast which Luca would aggressively latch on to almost desperately. A slight tensing and biting the inside of his cheeks, Lovino would close his eyes for just a moment before making eye contact with his baby. He must be cramping. Antonio knew that much. It was a week and half since he'd given birth and he was so much smaller than he was. Antonio wondered how Lovino felt about the bleeding. Had Antonio not known about it, he'd wonder what the earthy, metallic, slightly sweet smell was when he was near Lovino.

God he missed Lovino…

He missed the Lovino he had first seen at the restaurant. He had been so cute standing here uncomfortably, trying to act apathetic and annoyed all at once. He chewed the inside of his lip, his eyes glued to a picture on the wall as he waited for Matthew. He had this fire about him that Antonio craved. When he met him formally, he'd seen that second of attraction that Lovino had accidentally let appear before that annoyed eye roll. The insults thrown at him and the muttering under his breath had only confirmed to Antonio that attraction. He missed that shy Lovino who had been so scared to kiss him, yet so eager. The guy who after his first kiss had let out that soft laugh and just leaned against Antonio. He missed Lovino's craving eyes that had come to life after he'd finally let himself accept that he was gay and he was so in love with Antonio. Even scared, pregnant Lovino with mood swings and ignoring him to prove a point, Lovino had been that wonderful man Antonio couldn't stay away from.

This person Lovino had become wasn't that same person anymore. Postpartum Lovino cried and barely said a word. He'd hold Luca for hours on end and looked so exhausted. He barely acknowledged Antonio. He'd just lay against him when he'd put his arms around him. Lovino was working everything out. It had been traumatic. Antonio knew that. Lovino had told him that a few hours after Luca was born. Lovino didn't know what had happened. He was so confused how Luca was there. Antonio knew what Lovino was experiencing was normal. His sisters had all be quiet after they gave birth. When Maria had her first daughter, she had laughed uncontrollably talking about how this wasn't her baby. It was just a shock. She was fine within a week or so. The hormones and exhaustion wreaked havoc. Yet something about Lovino was different. It worried Antonio.

"Toni, are you even going to help with your own son?" Lando smacked the back of Antonio's head slightly. Antonio wanted to punch him, but he didn't.

"Well I would Orlando except nobody will put him down. Lovino would never get him if Mama didn't pry him from everyone." Antonio glared.

"Be mature, Toni." Lando rolled his eyes.

Antonio bounced his leg. He just needed to go out and smoke. He needed the smoke to fill his lungs. He knew it was bad, but since he, Francis and Gilbert had tried it at fifteen to be cool, he and Francis never stopped. He remembered Francis sneaked three cigarettes from his dad and a lighter. They hid in this little alleyway by Gilbert's apartment. They were coughing at the burning of the smoke, but Francis told him that it was just because they weren't used to it and it would get better. Gilbert didn't even finish that first one. He told them they were stupid and went inside. Francis had been right. The two of them never stopped. Francis had told his dad who wasn't bothered one bit and would get them packs. Antonio hid it from his family. He blamed the smoke smell on his clothing on Francis and his family. His mom would call them up to tell them how irresponsible they were for letting Francis smoke so young. She's always mumble about how they were French stereotypes. Antonio never told his family. He couldn't. Not after his grandparents on both sides. He couldn't go out. He wanted to so badly. He could feel the outline of the box in the pocket of his jacket. If he could just get a minute to slip away…

His flitting eyes jumped from person to person in the room. This group of people whom he loved was here and he knew they were judging him, but they didn't know how hard he was trying to stay together. They wouldn't let him hold his baby. His two eldest siblings were treating him like crap, but at least they said something. He just wanted to hold Luca. He wanted this group of people to leave. He didn't want his nieces and nephews going through things. He loved them jumping his lap with their "hola tio Toni!" and their smiles and hugs and happiness that they had a new baby cousin. He was the fun uncle. He felt like he was letting them down because all he could do was sit here and try not to cry and try to resist the urge to run outside and smoke a half a pack with trembling hands until it all stopped. He wanted to hold Luca. He wanted to have that moment that Lovino had had, but he had never been given the chance.

"Selena?" Antonio said softly, curling his legs up to his chest hoping it would help him stay together. She glanced at him. "Can I have my son, please?"

"I just got him though," she frowned. "And Julian was supposed to have him next."

"I just want to hold him," Antonio mumbled, pulling at his shirt. No tears. No tears. He repeated to himself.

"Selena, give me that baby," his mother demanded.

Antonio felt a moment of hope. His mama was going to make them give him his baby just like she would make them give him back his ball when he was little. She always helped him. She'd make them stop being mean. She was the only one who didn't see him as the family fuck up. His eyes widened and a smile danced on his lips as he shifted to hold him.

"Antonio, this baby is starving. Where is the formula?" He felt his stomach knot. He shook his head.

"No, no, we're not giving him formula. Lovi wants to exclusively breastfeed. He read so many books. No, no formula. I'll take him to Lovino." Antonio stood and held his arms out for his child.

"No formula?" Maria scoffed.

"Yes. No formula." Antonio sent daggers at her with his eyes. "I'll take him to Lovi, just give him to me, Mama."

"You are not waking that boy up," his mother declined, turning with his son.

"Just please give him to me," Antonio asked gently.

"I brought some formula and diapers," Julian's wife smiled, brushed her hair back. "I know what it's like having a baby." She offered Antonio a smile.

"No formula." Antonio stayed firm. "Lovino doesn't want formula. I don't want formula. No formula." Antonio was shaking.

"He needs to eat, Antonio," his mom shook her head at him.

"Yeah, I know. That's why I take him to Lovi."

"Don't wake him up. You don't know what breastfeeding is like and you never will and that boy has sore nipples and he needs rest. So we're going to give him formula."

"He's our son and we said no formula," Antonio could feel himself coming undone. He tried so hard to stay together.

"There's nothing wrong with formula," Maria laughed.

"It increases the risk of allergies and like dairy and gluten and stuff. And it can increase the chances of digestive issues. It doesn't have everything in it that he needs and breastmilk is specialized to the baby. Lovino's milk has everything Luca needs. And he's not your son, Maria, he's mine." Antonio could feel the tears of frustration.

"Just while Lovino catches up on sleep, Toni. A little won't hurt him. Maria, take Luca while I mix up formula."

Antonio couldn't move. Why weren't they listening? They never listened to him. He stepped in front of his mom and shook his head. "I said no."

"Excuse me?"

"I. Said. No." Antonio was trembling. His fingers were running over the lighter in his pocket. He just needed to go outside…

"Antonio, I am your mother."

"And he's my son! We said no formula and you need to listen to me when I say no! You're not listening to me and you have no-" Antonio's shouting was interrupted by a hard slap. His mother pushed past him. The room was silent besides Luca. He just wanted Luca. All eyes were on him. "No formula. Give him to me." He was embarrassed and he couldn't hold back the tears. He couldn't look up.

"No. God, you're never going to change are you? You're always going to be that same spoiled brat who wants everything to go his way," Maria laughed. "Who are you going to cry to now?"

"He's not your baby," Antonio whispered.

"You know you have to feed babies, right, little baby Toni?" Lando smirked.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Antonio muttered. Do what you want."

He couldn't take it one more second. He didn't care if they found out. He was tired of being treated like this. He never did anything right. He knew that. He'd never be more than that wild child who got away with everything in his family's eyes. And the one person who always took his side no longer did. He owned a restaurant. He had a catering service. That didn't matter. The one thing that he was most proud of, Luca, they refused to acknowledge. Lando made some comment as he was almost running outside. Antonio shoved him.

"Shut the fuck up and get out of my house," Antonio hissed.

He stumbled outside, fumbling with the cigarette box and lighter. He couldn't get his fingers to take one out of the package. Tears streamed down his face. The one thing he was supposed to do, protect Luca and uphold Lovino's wishes, he couldn't do. He kept walking, not realizing where he was going. His legs gave out under him and was on his knees, sobs escaping him. _Fuck up_. He finally got the cigarettes to come out and ended up spilling them over the grass.

"Fuck…" he shook his head and picked one up and struggled to light it. He took a long drag, his eyes closed. "What is wrong with me?" he whispered to himself.

He hated being reminded why he didn't go around his family very often. Typically it was just the yearly trip to Spain. This past year he couldn't go. He just couldn't face them. Not after what he'd done. They didn't treat him like an adult. He was back to being that same teenager who got into trouble so often with his two best friends. These days he was feeling himself slipping away from them. Gilbert and Francis were maturing and he felt he was staying the same. What if he wasn't good enough to provide and protect Lovino and Luca? He couldn't even keep formula from Luca.

As the nicotine filled his lungs, his heart slowed and his thoughts stopped racing, but he was still so uneasy. He looked around him. He was in a clearing. He could hear the creek to his right, but the trees were blocking it from view. He leaned back on the grass and stared up at the cloudless blue sky. He felt so infinite. He felt alone. He felt insignificant. But when had his life ever mattered? What good had he ever done?

Meeting Francis had been the best and worst thing that had ever happened to him. His siblings only picked on him in a sibling way to that point and were jealous when he got the last cookie. But that vacation to the south of France when he'd met that boy with the eyes that matched the Mediterranean everything had changed. He had never lied or snuck out until he met him. That was when this whole streak had started. He could still feel that first kiss on his lips He could still feel Francis surrounding him and see his face scrunched from pleasure and pain. They hadn't known what they were doing and they'd both hurt each other unintentionally that summer. Antonio had thought he was gone forever. He hated leaving France.

When he saw him in his ESLI class, he was sure his eyes had deceived him. He'd met Gilbert in that class as well. From that moment on, they messed around. Cut class. Caused trouble. Pranks. He'd broken, no, shattered Francis' heart more than once and he hated himself for it. He used Emma and fell in love with her, but fell away from her. He'd hurt her too. Was there not a person he'd come into contact with that he hadn't hurt? He couldn't answer that question. He, Gilbert and Francis used the diplomatic immunity that was granted to Francis' family which was the only reason he didn't have a criminal record. What good had he done?

He didn't know how long he laid there smoking and thinking. He hadn't noticed the blue sky had darkened or that the light around him was dimmer. There wasn't a single cigarette left in his box. He sighed and sat up. He didn't care to hide it anymore. He pulled himself to his feet and walked toward the house. Lovino was probably worried. He noticed the cars were gone from the driveway. He let out a sigh of relief as he opened the front door.

The lights were off in most of the house, but a soft glow emanated from the living room. He walked in to find Maria bouncing Luca in her lap. He was too tired to say anything. He sat down on the arm of the chair and stared at the child. He did look like him. Luca's hair was the same shade of brown. His face was shaped so similarly. He really looked nothing like Lovino. That was cruel. Lovino had suffered so much. The least nature could have done was make the child look anything like him. He was wearing the blue onesie with the puppy on the butt and feet. He was perfect. Antonio caught himself smiling.

"Where did you go? You smell like shit," Maria muttered.

"I had a walk." Antonio said barely above a whisper.

"You can't do that, you know." She looked at him. "You can't just run away when things aren't going the way you want them to go. And honestly, you should have fought harder if you truly want him to be breast fed only. You never stand up to anyone, do you?"

"Cállate, Maria." Antonio hissed, taking Luca from her.

"Toni…"

The hoarse whimper from the stairs caused Antonio and Maria to turn to see Lovino standing on the steps of the stairs, his shirt visibly wet. It was obvious Lovino had been crying. His eye were still rimmed red as though hadn't just slept hours on end. He was standing so awkwardly. He did that lately. He never seemed comfortable. It was as though he didn't know what to do now that Luca had been born. What did he need to do with his life.

"Hey," Antonio breathed.

"There's…I…stuff leaked on the bed…" Lovino shifted. "From…you know." Lovino was trembling.

"Lochia," Maria whispered to Antonio. He rolled his eyes.

"It's okay, baby." Antonio stood, shifting Luca effortlessly and going to Lovino. "I'll change the sheets. It's okay."

"I…I need to feed Luca. I slept too long," Lovino's eyes were fixed on Luca. Antonio shifted uncomfortably. He didn't like the way Lovino was looking at him. It was such a blank stare. What was going on? Maybe he was just still sleep deprived. That had to be it. "He must be starving." Lovino's eyes flicked over to Maria.

"We fed him formula. Tonio said it was okay. That we should let you sleep. Julian's wife brought some." Maria chimed in from behind them.

Antonio felt himself tense. Had he flinched? Why would she make that accusation? Lovino's eye filled with tears as his eyes fell to Antonio now. He shook his head and ripped Luca from Antonio's grasp. Antonio's heart dropped. For a moment, he was sure Luca was going to fall to the floor.

"I told you no formula!" Lovino said evenly, his voice trembling. "I told you. I told you my plan. I told you what I wanted!" Lovino was shouting now. "But you never listen to me do you? I never wanted this. I never wanted any of this. I forgot I can't make my own choices. Do you have some alcohol to shove down my throat?"

"Lovi, I never…" Antonio cut off. Lovino was already halfway up the stairs. He knew he wasn't going to listen. He turned to Maria now. "What the fuck?"

She smiled at him. "You got him drunk, did you?"

"I…It wasn't intentional!"

"Always an excuse. Baby Toni." Maria shook her head.

"Get. Out. Of. My. House." Antonio commanded.

"Antonio, come on, I'm just playing around."

Antonio couldn't take it anymore. He was tired. He was so tired of everything. It was like he could never fix anything. Nobody let him. Nobody gave him credit when he tried to be better, so what was the point? He told her to leave. Why was she still standing here? Antonio grabbed her by her arm and pulled her toward the door. He couldn't deal with this. He opened the door and threw her out. She stumbled and turned to look at him, eyes wide.

"Stay out." He hissed before slamming the door.

* * *

**_thanks for reading! review?_**


	30. Chapter 30

**_This chapter may seem a little chaotic and confusing, but it's 100% intentional. Things are about to get REAL. Enjoy!_**

* * *

Antonio wiped the sweat out of his eyes as he slaved over the stove in the kitchen. Focusing on cooking was really helping him calm down. It was therapeutic. He longed for work when he was at home these days. He just needed something to pour his frustrations and stress into. The restaurant was booming and the lunch rush wasn't letting up. Antonio glanced up at the rest of his staff. Why were they all working so slowly? Why were they talking? It was a madhouse out there! He barked an order to get to work receiving a few glances.

He felt his blood boil and took a deep breath. He'd been going off so easily these days. What was wrong with him? He had always been so patient and pleasant. This wasn't him. It had to be the stress and the lack of sleep. It had started getting like this around when Lovino had disappeared and life since then hadn't been a walk in the park. He just needed to let himself work everything out. He didn't want to yell at Lovino or do anything to upset him, so he was trying to work as much as possible to get out his frustration, but how many times had he snapped at his employees now? Two had even quit. He had always been the cool boss who never got upset over anything.

He pushed the thoughts away and focused on his task. Finally the kitchen slowed and he left the kitchen with a smile and giving praise. They had done a great job and he really was proud of him. A lot of them were understanding. They knew he had an infant at home now. Lovino had brought him up here before. Maybe they didn't hate him? He slipped into the office and locked the door. He sat at the desk and started to do payroll. Maybe he should hire someone? This wasn't what he loved most about his job. This was actually something he loathed. At least he didn't have to work out budgets. All he had to do was input how many hours each person worked and if it was over time.

While the work was monotonous and boring, Antonio had been finding it was calming him down to just go down the sheet of paper and input things into a spread sheet. The math was already calculated for him. It was easy enough. He started feeling his eyes drooping and his mind drifting to sleep marking an end of the day for him. He needed to go sleep.

He left his office, letting a manager know he was in charge and walked down the street to a motel. He just needed some sleep. He checked in with heavy eyes and found the room, slid the key and walked in. He smiled to himself. The room was dark enough. He took off his jacket and kicked off his shoes. He undressed quickly and slipped under the covers.

Finally a rest without Luca screaming and waking him up. Lately Luca would cry so much. He and Lovino were barely sleeping. The baby was inconsolable these days. A month and a half. When would it end? At least he had work and a motel to rest. He wouldn't know what to do otherwise. He didn't want another incident like what happened with Maria. Dios mio, how could he have done that to her? His phone rang just as he was drifting to sleep.

"Hello?" he muttered, rubbing his eyes.

"Toni…Toni, can you come home?" Lovino's shaking voice filled his ear. "I can't get Luca to stop crying. He's been crying for three hours straight and I'm falling apart. I need you to come home. Please."

"Dios mio, Lovi, I'm sorry, but it's so crazy up here," Antonio couldn't open his eyes.

"Can't you tell your managers to cover? I just need a break. I'm going crazy here." Lovino pleaded. Antonio must off drifted off to sleep because he was jolted awake by Lovino shouting. "Toni!"

"Lovi, I promise you when I finish payroll, I'll come home. Nobody else is trained to do it and my employees will get pretty pissed off if they don't get a check." Antonio pulled back the phone to check the time. It was nearly five. "I'll be home no later than eight, okay?"

"Toni, I need you," Lovino whimpered.

"I know, but I have to do this or we won't have money."

"Antonio, baby, please, I'll do whatever you want. Just please come home."

"I'll hurry. Love you." Antonio hung up, silenced the phone and tossed it to the pile of clothes. Now for rest.

* * *

Lovino wiped the tears off his face as he laid Luca down on the bed to change him. Luca had finally settled down and now he had to change him. He knew that would make him upset. Luca hated diaper changes. Luca played with his hands while Lovino got a diaper and wipes. Lovino sat down and watched him play for a moment. He smiled softly. He really was so cute.

"Okay, bambino," Lovino started taking a deep breath. "Please let Papa change you."

Luca let out a coo and kicked his feet. Lovino swallowed and began his task. Antonio wasn't going to be home until late. He needed to get out of the house. He was just going crazy. He hadn't done anything since Luca was born. Just these four walls made into rooms. The only exception was doctor's appointments. Lovino was so thankful Luca was on Antonio's insurance. He didn't know how he could afford it all otherwise. Maybe he could have Matthew come by? No, he was working or planning the wedding. He hadn't seen his brother in so long. Yeah, maybe he could go see Feli.

Lovino thought about the evening ahead of them. He could go see Feliciano and be back by eight when Antonio was going to be home. Lovino silently thanked god that Luca was in a pleasant mood. He was so fussy lately. What if he was getting colic? No, god, no. Lovino took a deep breath and shook his head as he finished. He tossed the diaper in the bin and went to wash his hands, one eye glued to Luca. He came back and picked him up, kissing his cheeks. His heart leapt with join seeing Luca smile. He never got over it.

"Do you wanna see Zio?" Lovino cooed to his baby as he walked over to his phone.

He dialed the number and waited. He paced the room, bouncing Luca as he did so. He couldn't stand it if Luca started crying again. He just needed silence. He needed Luca to be happy. Was it really so much to ask? Just peace and quiet and happiness. Luca wasn't sleeping much these days. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd talked to anyone that wasn't Luca, Antonio or Antonio's family.

"Ciao, fratello!" Feli's voice rang through the phone. "Where have you been?"

"Um…sorry," Lovino shifted Luca. "I've been busy. How are you? Are you doing okay?"

"Oh…um…I'm actually in the hospital. I tried to call you and I've texted you…."  
"Shit…I'm sorry." Lovino didn't even fight the tears from falling. He was too tired. He was such a bad brother. How did he not notice? Why did he reject the calls and not open the messages? He was ignoring everyone, wasn't he? Shit, Alfred could be dead for all he knew.

"Don't worry about it. I know you have Luca. Antonio told me he's been a handful."

"You talked to Antonio?" Lovino asked stopping in his tracks.

"Si! He answered your phone one day and told me you were sleeping. So I've been kind of just holding back."

"When did he talk to you?"

"Um…three days ago. When I first got in the hospital. I got sick with something, so I'm on this weird reverse isolation thing and I'm getting antibiotics and stuff. I got some blood too. I've been really sick."

Feliciano didn't even sound ill. God, just like Feli. Trying to make Lovino feel better for being a shitty person. Since his brother had gotten cancer, when had Lovino ever took time to think about him rather than himself? Feli was sick sick. Lovino had just been pregnant. Fuck. What was wrong with him? Mama would be so disappointed. What was his problem? He was just a selfish person. He always had been. Never put Feliciano first.

"I didn't know. He didn't tell me. I just…I'm sorry." Lovino let out a shuddering breath.

"Don't cry, Lovi! It's okay. He should have told you. He said he would when you woke up. Maybe he forgot?" Feli offered.

"Are we allowed to come see you? Luca and I, I mean."

"Um…yeah, I think so. I'm gonna tell the nurse I wanna see Luca, so I can get a mask because babies can't have one. I'm so excited to see you! I'm missed you so much." Feli gasped. "I bet Luca is so big!"

"He weighs a little over eight pounds now." Lovino muttered.

"Can I see him? Please?"

"Will that be safe for you? He's been really fussy lately. I don't think he's sick, but I don't know. I don't know…" Lovino groaned.

"Don't worry. Just come see me! I'm dying of boredom. Papa is the only person I see these days and he doesn't really talk much."

"I don't want to hurt you," Lovino chewed his lip. He was already being a horrible brother. He didn't even know he was sick. God he'd not spoken to him in so long. What was wrong with him. And for what? A baby?

"Just come up here. I'm expecting you to be here and if you don't I'm gonna call you and complain. I'll see you in a little bit okay?"

Lovino bit his lip and glanced at the baby in his arms. It still didn't feel real. There were still days he couldn't believe this was his baby. He didn't look like he'd just given birth six weeks ago. He was almost back to his pre-pregnancy size. Why did people always want to lose it so quickly? Now all he had was loose skin to show for it. He sent a quick text to Antonio and took Luca to the living room. He knelt down and buckled him in his car seat before he made sure he had everything he needed in the diaper bag. He rubbed his eyes and checked the time. He wasn't due to breastfeed for another hour or so. He definitely needed to stop by the coffee shop and get a latte. He was so thankful he could have coffee again. He was sure he'd never be able to function if he didn't. He picked up the car seat and headed to the car.

The evening was nice. Birds were chirping and August air was still warm around him. He was so tired. He just needed to see his baby brother though. He was sick. He needed him. Lovino made sure the car seat was secure before kissing Luca and getting in the driver's seat. It'd been a while since he drove, but he felt so free as he pulled out of the property.

* * *

Lovino pushed open the door of Feliciano's room. He'd had to spend so much time trying to get to be let into the unit. He was so thankful they'd let him in. Feli was sitting in bed staring at the TV. Lovino was shocked at the sight. His brother looked like he was on the verge of death. His skin was a pale grey. His eyes were red rimmed with dark circles. He'd lost even more weight since the last time he'd seen them. He was almost just skin and bone. Tears instantly jumped to his eyes.

"Lovi!" Feli smiled. Lovino could see it despite the mask. "Let me see Luca!"

Lovino offered a smile and sat the car seat down on a chair next to the bed. Luca was asleep. It took everything in Lovino to resist the urge to leave in him there. Feliciano needed a chance to see him, right? Right? Luca squirmed and whimpered. Lovino flinched at the sound. The cries lately were ear piercing. Luca snuggled into Lovino and settled back to sleep.

"He's sleeping," Lovino warned before walking over and handing him to an excited Feliciano.

Lovino sat on the edge of the bed and hugged his knees. He was so tired. Maybe if he could just lay down for a minute, he could finally sleep. No, he was here to see Feli, not sleep. God he wanted to sleep. What happened to the perfect baby he imagined? The one that slept? He didn't know. God, this was harder than he ever imagined. What if he messed up? Maybe he was making Luca cry? Was it his fault? He shouldn't be so anxious. What was wrong with him? He was a dad now. He couldn't be having panic attacks and crying all the time. He needed to pull himself together and suck it up.

"Lovi?" Feli nudged him.

"Huh?"

"Are you okay? Feliciano's face was twisted with concern.

"Um…yeah, I'm fine."

"You've just been sitting there not moving or talking to me for like ten minutes." He could tell Feliciano was frowning.

"No, I haven't." Lovino let out a small laugh and shook his head.

"It's okay," Feli took his hand. "You can tell me."

"Everything's fine."

How could he admit that he regretted this? He wished he'd never met Antonio? That he wished he'd gotten an abortion? How could he say he hated himself for not giving Luca up? How could he admit that he made a mistake? A big mistake? He loved Luca, sure, but it wasn't enough. He felt sick just looking at him. He was a mess. His life was ruined. He couldn't sleep anymore. He was anxious all the time. He felt like he was drowning. He wasn't a good boyfriend or father or brother or friend or son. He was horrible and didn't deserve to live.

Wait…where had that come from? He loved Luca. What was going on? Lovino had been having these thoughts so often the past few weeks. He couldn't talk about them. He wanted so desperately to be a good father to Luca. He couldn't talk about this. He had to stop. He needed to pull himself together. He just needed sleep. Sleep and getting out every now and then. Yeah, yeah, that was what he needed.

Feliciano laughed interrupting Lovino's thoughts. Lovino had never been so thankful. He glanced over and smiled at the sight of Luca stretching and straining his neck all over Feli's chest with an open mouth. He let out a little scream of frustration. Lovino let out a small laugh and took the baby from his uncle.

"Shhh, it's okay," Lovino cooed as he unbuttoned his shirt.

He pulled Luca toward him and inhaled softly as Luca's first strong, chomping suck latched to him. It was still such a strange sensation. The slight tingle from the milk let down was still an odd feeling as well. But it didn't hurt anymore. It never hurt anymore. Luca sucked rhythmically, kicking his feet excitedly. He smiled down a Luca, his heart swelling with love. He glanced up to find Feli watching him.

"You've gotten really good at that," Feli breathed. "The last time I saw you breastfeed, you looked so scared and almost cried."

"Oh…well I've had a lot of practice," Lovino offered a smile. "He eats a lot...and often. I feel like he's always attached to my chest." Lovino let out a small laugh and looked back at Luca making eye contact. He was always so amazed how the baby would hold eye contact for so long until he started to bat his eyes slowly as sleep took him from a full belly.

"He's a good baby," Feli observed.

"He's been a lot to handle lately." Lovino rubbed his forehead nervously. "I don't know what's wrong with him. He keeps getting so fussy. I try so much. Antonio went back to work after two weeks and I just…I'm getting really overwhelmed." Lovino admitted. "I love him, don't get me wrong, I do. I love them both, but I just…" Lovino cut off. Why was he doing this? He didn't have to.

"It's okay. I'm not judging you. I would think it's hard."

"Yeah…" Lovino breathed.

"Hit?"

"Hm?" Lovino stared down at the baby in his arms. Luca only looked at him with the purest love. It was so peaceful. It terrified him. Luca trusted him completely. Luca depended on him for so much.

"Lovino." Feliciano leaned over and took Lovino's arm.

"What, Feliciano?"

"I love you." Feli whispered leaning against him. "And I'm so proud of you. You're doing a good job, okay? It's okay to feel overwhelmed. That doesn't make you a bad parent. You know that, right? I don't know how you keep it together. You're my hero. You really are. You've gone through so much and you're so strong. You've had a lot put on you since Mama died and I just don't think anyone's ever told you how amazing that is."

"Shut up…" Lovino muttered, embarrassed.

"No. I'm serious. You know what makes me know I'm going to get better? That I can do this? Growing up watching you and Papa. You were seven, Lovi, _seven_. And you took care of me and went to school and made good grades and came home and cleaned and cooked and made sure Papa and I were okay. You don't get enough credit."

"I just…I had to," Lovino shrugged.

"Stop. Listen, look at me." Feliciano held Lovino's face to look at him. "Don't make excuses. You're an amazing person. I'm so glad you're my big brother." Lovino opened his mouth to rebuke. "No. Stop trying to sell yourself short."

"I love you," Lovino whispered.

"I love you too." Feli smiled. His eyes sparkling above the mask.

The door opened causing Lovino to jump. He turned to see his father, a shocked look on his face. Lovino froze, pulled Luca away from him causing the child to start crying. He pecked Feli's cheek and muttered a quick goodbye as he grabbed the carseat and half ran out of the room. His heart raced as he rushed down the hall toward the waiting room. Once he got past those double doors he'd be safe. Luca would be safe. He ignored his father's protests that he could stay and he would leave. Lovino didn't care. He needed to leave.

He reached the waiting room and with shaking hands put the still crying Luca in the car seat. He buttoned his shirt and rushed out of the hospital to his car, tears streaking his face. He knew Luca was still hungry. He knew he probably scared him. Fuck, he couldn't even visit his sick brother for more than twenty minutes without being interrupted. Lovino started the car and crawled in the backseat, locking the door so he could finish feeding Luca.

God, he hoped Antonio was home. He just needed comfort. He couldn't wait to see him, couldn't wait to snuggle against him and cry. He wanted to listen to Antonio talk about his day and wanted to tell him about his. He hoped Luca would be asleep, so they could just cuddle and talk. Maybe they could put on a movie and Lovino could fall asleep listening to Antonio's heart beat and breathing. It would be so perfect. He just wanted time with his Tonio.

* * *

Antonio dragged himself from car toward the house. Literally every step he took felt like so much effort. He slipped in key into the lock and turned it, longing to get inside with his tiny family. He opened to the door to be met with soft lighting and silence. He closed the door softly. He knew how tired Lovino had been since Luca had been born. He looked around, spotting Lovino laying on the couch, a baby book had fallen on the floor when he'd drifted to sleep. Antonio smiled and went over to him. He leaned over and kissed him gently. He glanced around and found a blanket that he laid over Lovino.

He admired the scene for a moment. Perhaps he should carry him to bed? He decided against it. Lovino had been sleeping better on the couch for the past two months, if not longer. He flicked off the lamp light and made his way upstairs. He couldn't wait to see his baby.

A nightlight shown dimly from the open door to the nursery. Antonio's heart skipped a beat as he hurried toward the room. He entered and the light became brighter. He stood next to the crib and admired the six week old. He was wearing a pale blue onsie with a puppy on it, swaddled tightly in the soft, baby blue blanket. He slept so peacefully. Antonio leaned against the crib, taking the infant in. He could smell the newborn smell. His cheeks were still rosy read and his head was still ever so slightly molded from the delivery. He knew the child's head would round out eventually, but to him the sight was perfect.

An overwhelming urge to hold and cuddle his child overtook him. He took a breath and tiptoed to the door, closing it softly. He didn't want to wake Lovino if he didn't have to. Slowly, gently, Antonio reached down and picked up the sleeping baby. Almost instantly, Luca started screaming. Antonio bit his lip and hugged the child to him, bouncy slightly as he rocked.

"It's okay, baby I'm so sorry, Luca. Daddy's here. Daddy's got you. Please don't wake your mommy. He's so tired. Please go back to sleep," Antonio said gently. He gave baby a kiss on the forehead as he brought the infant closer.

Tears pricked his eyes as Luca continued to scream. Lovino would wake up. He was so tired. He was stressed. Antonio begged Luca to stop crying. He felt anxiety and pressure building in his body. He as so tense. He felt he was about to explode. He had to get Luca to Lovino fast before he lost it completely. He hated the idea of waking him, but he had to get Luca to calm down and the child would instantly settle in his mother's arms.

Antonio turned to find Lovino in the doorway, tears welling in his eyes. Lovino just stared at him, not saying a word. Antonio would be lying if he told anyone that Lovino made him so uncomfortable these days. He was NOT himself…not that Lovino had been that fiery Italian boy he'd been so long ago. Had it really almost been a year? No, the man he looked at now was a completely different person. Antonio didn't even know him. Did he love him? How could he? Who was this person? Antonio hated himself for the thoughts. He loved Lovino so much, but, but this wasn't Lovino.

"Why?" Lovino whispered, his voice shaking ever so slightly.

"Why what?" Antonio asked a moment later.

"Why would you do that? Why would you wake him up? I haven't slept all day and I just got him down. Why did you wake him up? Why did you do this? Why do you torture me? Why do you hate me?" Lovino's eyes released the dam walls at that moment. Tears poured down the man's cheeks.

"I…Lovino I just wanted to hold our son."

"_My_ son." Lovino hissed taking him roughly from Antonio. "You stay away from him. You just got to roll over. You don't do shit."

Antonio stood there, shocked. What did Lovino mean by that? Who was this person? He wasn't Lovino. He wasn't that boy he fell in love with. Where was that boy? The one who tried so hard to hide himself? The one who blushed so easily and became so flustered? That boy had warmed Antonio's heart. He'd made him giggle and feel so happy. He missed the stuttering and blushing and even the insults. He missed Lovino trying to ignore him as he slaved over books and his laptop. God…where was he?

"Whatever, Lovino," was all Antonio could say as he left the room.

He walked down the stairs and out the door, escaping the crying. He sat down on the swing and rocked himself a bit. His eyes scanned the stars. What he wouldn't give to go back to Spain, to be in little village again. He wouldn't have all this to deal with. Maybe he could start over? God, he wanted to start over so badly. He hated everything.

A tear fell down his cheek. He didn't even bother to brush it away. He just wanted Luca. He wanted to hold him and bond with him. He didn't know either one of them. That scared him. He wanted Lovino back. He wanted to know that tiny human in that room with whoever had taken over Lovino's perfect body. Was it perfect now? Of course it was. Pregnancy transforms a body, but Antonio knew it never harmed it. He was too tired to do anything but sit there and stare at the sky. Even smoking a cigarette was too much. Maybe he could just go back to the motel?

* * *

Lovino bounced his son as he walked through the house. Why had Antonio woken him up and then just walked away? Why had he ever had a child with someone so selfish? He needed help so badly and Antonio just wanted to leave when it got hard. He wanted Antonio so badly. He wanted him to help him and hold him and teach him how to take care of this baby, but no. If he let Antonio be here, something bad could happen to Luca. Lovino just knew it. Luca had to be with him. He couldn't be with anyone else. Luca was crying because Lovino let someone touch him. They weren't him. God, how could he be so careless?

Luca started to settle, bringing a wave of relief over Lovino. He smiled softly to himself and whispered sweet things to his baby boy. This child was so perfect. Lovino had to protect him from anything bad. He couldn't know about the pain and suffering in the world. No Luca just needed to know love. That was it. Love and happiness. God, Lovino sure hoped so.

Lovino laid on the bed, holding Luca close to him. The baby's eyes were blinking slowly with sleep. Lovino watched him. It was breathtaking. How had he made this person? How had this tiny person lived in him for nine months and was born so perfectly? How was this even possible? He couldn't think of anything other than it being a miracle. Lovino kissed the infant's forehead and held him even closer. He stared up at the ceiling and pondered life to himself. Would he ever be happier than this moment? Holding Luca? He was sure it was impossible. It was so peaceful. He closed his eyes for just a moment…just a fraction of a second.

"Lovino, you're not supposed to cosleep!" Antonio snapped as he walked into the room.

"Fuck you," Lovino whispered.

"It's dangerous! I thought you did your research. We have a crib in here for him so we don't have to walk down the hall when he wakes up in the middle of the night. You can't hold him when you're asleep."

"What do you mean we?" Lovino let out a small laugh. "When have you ever so much as held him, Antonio? Please spare me the act like you even care."

"What has gotten into you?" Antonio whispered.

Lovino stared at him. He had his arms crossed over his chest, with a hurt look on his face. He even have tears welling in his eyes. Ha. Fucking act. Antonio didn't give a shit about either of them. That much was clear to Lovino. He spent all day away from them, ignored his phone calls and hung up during his pleas. He loved him so much, but fuck.

"Nothing," Lovino muttered. He sat up, careful not to wake Luca up. He arranged pillows into a small square and laid the baby in the middle. "Happy? We're not going to roll on him."

"I'm sorry," Antonio said softly, sitting down next to him.

"For what?" Lovino glared at the ground.

"For everything. I know I've put you through a lot. You've changed so much. I don't even know who you are now. And I mean I guess that's my fault. I shouldn't have…I love you." Antonio smiled and nudged Lovino.

"I need you," Lovino whispered after a moment. "I fucking hate you, but I love you and I need you, okay?"

"Okay," Antonio smiled wiping a tear from his face. "Luca still can't sleep with us."

"Why?" Lovino demanded.

"It's not safe."

"Says who?"

"I don't know. Experts. Researchers. Doctors. Nurses. Just…we can't do this."

"Fuck them. I'm not going smoosh him to death." Lovino looked over at the baby. "He's too perfect. Look at him."

Lovino watched Antonio for a moment. His eyes sparkled as they looked at the baby they'd made. Lovino fell in love again. He'd been doing that lately. Hating him and falling in love with him over and over. It was exhausting. Everything was exhausting these days. Nothing was easy anymore. Nothing was fun. He just wanted to be close to someone. Just one person…that wasn't a baby.

"We need to fix this," Antonio said softly, pulling Lovino toward him. "Whatever is going on between us. It needs to be fixed. We need to get to know each other again. For Luca. And I want to have a relationship with him. You need to let me get close to him."

"I'm scared," Lovino whispered.

"I know," Antonio kissed Lovino's temple. "I know."

Lovino watched Antonio stand up and carefully pick up the sleeping infant. He cradled him for a moment, staring down at him with soft eyes. A little smile danced on his lips. Lovino felt a knot in his stomach. Nothing bad can happen to him. He couldn't bare it if it did. Antonio…Antonio hurt him so much. Could he trust him to keep Luca safe? He already wanted to move him away. Lovino wanted to stand up and take Luca from him and demand he leave, but he didn't. Instead he waited and watched.

Antonio placed Luca in the crib and chuckled softly to himself. He glanced back at Lovino and cleared the space between them. He took Lovino's hand and kissed them. His green eyes sparkled as he stared into them. Antonio pulled him up from the bed and kissed him just the right way. Lovino felt weak at the knees and melted into him. Antonio's scent surrounded him. He let Antonio lay him on the bed, not breaking their kiss. Antonio pulled away for a moment and stared down at him. Lovino's heart skipped a beat as it pounded.

"What are the odds that we can get reacquainted tonight?" Antonio purred.

"Huh?" Lovino blinked.

"You know..." Antonio ran his hand down his torso, lifting his shirt slightly.

"No." Lovino pushed Antonio away and shook his head. He was trembling. "No. Never again. No." Tears filled Lovino's eyes. "It. Hurts."

"You used to love it. Come on, Lovi," Antonio begged. "It's been six weeks. Dr. Evans said it would take six weeks to heal."

"Six to twelve," Lovino corrected. "I swear to god I'll never have sex again. It. Hurts." Lovino was trembling even more now. His eyes fell on Luca.

"It's not like you'll get pregnant again. I just feel like the lack of intimacy is what's pushing us apart." Antonio offered, rubbing the back of his head. "And you never told me sex hurt…"

"No. I mean…" Lovino trailed off, his eyes still glued to the sleeping baby.

"You won't get pregnant again. I promise."

"Yeah, because I'm never having sex again," Lovino spat.

He turned back to the infant, studying him. Lovino's heart sank. That wasn't Luca. How could it be? Luca, _his Luca_, was supposed to be perfect. He didn't cry so much. He slept more. He cuddled calmly and quietly. Lovino had pictured so much during his pregnancy and this…this wasn't his plan. This wasn't the picture in his head. His baby was supposed to look like him. He wasn't supposed to be literal spitting image of Antonio. Antonio did nothing but have fun. He wasn't supposed to be so achingly tired. He wasn't supposed to be scared of sex. God, he had _craved_ sex and now the thought made his skin crawl. Was that all Antonio wanted? Of course it was. Because nothing was supposed to be the way Lovino wanted. Ever. And this child, this…this…this infant…who was he really? Lovino refused to believe that his child wanted to torture him like this. Antonio had done something to him. He had to have.

"You'll be begging me for sex eventually. You loved it so much. You'll remember," Antonio smiled. "It's so nice being so close to you. I want to be close to you again."

"What'd you do with him?" Lovino asked abruptly.

"What?" Antonio leaned back, a questioning look on his face.

"Luca. Where is he? What did you do with him?"

"I just put him in the crib," Antonio said slowly, his eyes flickering toward the sleeping infant.

"That's not Luca. I put him to sleep and you, you did something to him." Lovino was shaking. "That's not my baby!"

"Lovi, mi amor, you're exhausted. You sound crazy. You need sleep. Come on."

Antonio pulled him to him and kissed his temple. Lovino's eyes were on the sleeping baby. His heart was crushing. He couldn't breathe. Where was his baby? Oh dear god, what had they done to his baby? Where was he? He was scared and cold and alone. What had Antonio done?

"I…I need Luca. I can't…I can't sleep. Luca. I…."

Lovino felt the panic taking over. He couldn't stay still. He needed to run. He needed to go find Luca. He had to get out of here. Why was Antonio stopping him? Why wouldn't he let go? Stop! If he could just go, he could find Luca. But Antonio's arms were around him and he was rocking him, instructing him to breathe. Of course he wanted him to breathe. He'd probably done something to the air. Where was Luca? Now the fake Luca was crying and Antonio was holding him tighter. He just needed to go…

* * *

Antonio held Lovino close to him in the dark room. His heart had stilled and beat its usual soft beating. He kept playing that scene from earlier in his head. Lovino melting down. He'd never experienced someone have such a bad panic attack. He had forced Lovino to take his pills. Did he really just need emergency anxiety medicine? Antonio wasn't sure. He'd gotten Lovino to calm down enough to feed Luca. Antonio had snuck to the kitchen, crushed a couple of the pills and dissolved it in the water. Lovino wouldn't take them. He had watched Lovino nurse the water slowly. He had wanted nothing more than to have him chug the whole thing. Antonio had taken Luca from him and set him in the crib. Lovino had already passed out on the bed. Now here he was holding him tightly.

What had happened? Lovino had seemed fine one minute and then…what was going on? Antonio made a mental note to let Dr. Evans know about the episode. Maybe Lovino just needed rest? He knew he had to be here more. Antonio had been so scared. That wasn't Lovino. Who was that? He had no idea. But he couldn't be staying at work so often. He could do a lot of it from home. Lovino needed him. That much was clear. He could sneak off for a nap if he needed, but could Lovino be left alone? He wasn't rational. Antonio didn't know, but he played it over and over in his head as he stared through the darkness at the sleeping child. Luca couldn't defend himself. Luca was just a baby. He wasn't sure he trusted Lovino anymore.

* * *

**_So next chapter is probably going to get crazy. Or I may drag it out, but I'm leaning toward speeding things up. This is 2 years into this fic and I need to get going. So yeah, please review. Y'all don't know how much those mean to me. Especially when I'm low on energy and mood and stuff. It can be hard to get motivation. Love you all! _**

**_Please review 3_**


	31. Chapter 31

**_Sorry it's taken a bit! This is a really long chapter to make up for it though! I'm estimating about 5 more chapters of this installment and then we'll be on to There Goes My Future. Well without further adieu..._**

* * *

Two months today. Lovino couldn't believe it. He held the baby with one arm leaning back slightly careful to not allow the infant's head to fall back. He worked silently trying to clean things up. Antonio was getting frustrated with the clutter. He didn't want to upset him. He hadn't known Antonio could be so aggressive. He wondered about Luca as he wiped the counter with his free hand. Where was he? Was he safe? Was he scared? He probably missed him terribly. Do two month olds miss their mother? He wasn't sure. His heart longed for his baby. Where was he? Nobody listened to him. They gave him looks and told him he needed more rest. They thought he was crazy. He couldn't trust anyone. Nobody. Not a soul. Not even Feliciano.

The fake Luca whimpered in his arms and clung to his shirt, kicking slightly in his annoyance. Lovino closed his eyes and held the baby close to him. He inhaled softly. He even smelled like Luca, but it wasn't Luca. Lovino knew that. A mother always knows. He had to take care of the baby. He wasn't a monster. Plus he had to make everyone believe that he was okay. That he believed them that this was Luca. It wasn't though. Lovino know that much.

"Buenas dias, mi amor!" Antonio cooed as he entered the kitchen. Lovino stiffened as the man put his arm around him and kissed him softly before kissing the fake Luca. "How are my favorite boys this morning?"

"Good," Lovino lied. He forced a smile. "I was thinking we could go to the park today…for his two month birthday."

Antonio smiled and nodded in agreement as he poured some of the fresh coffee Lovino had put on. Lovino watched him scoop the cream and sugar into the cup. He slid past him to grab the milk. Lovino watched the dark liquid lighten to a golden brown. Antonio lifted the cup to his lips and drank. It was all so calculated. Antonio was trying so hard to fool Lovino, to trick him, but Lovino knew better.

"Are you feeling up to the park?" Antonio's green eyes bore into Lovino. He was trying to keep Lovino here, away from the other babies. Luca was probably at the park as they spoke!

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?" Lovino rolled his eyes.

"You've been tired lately. Off. I just don't want you to overdo it."

Lovino rolled his eyes again and sighed. He leaned against the counter and looked up at Antonio. "I'm okay…I promise."

Antonio watched him for just a moment before speaking. "If you're feeling okay, then yes, a fiesta in the park!" Antonio salsaed over to Lovino and kissed him again. "Will I get a fiesta tonight?" Antonio winked.

Lovino set his jaw, his eyes falling to the floor. Antonio kept pushing for sex. Constantly. Was that all he wanted? Maybe if Lovino did it, Antonio would give him Luca back? Would that solve everything? He couldn't even ask. Not yet. He had to get to the park and look for Luca. If he didn't find him, tonight he was propose a trade.

"I'll think about it," Lovino muttered.

"Really?" Antonio's face lit up. He had that stupid grin on his face and his green eyes sparkled.

"Yeah. I'll think about it," Lovino repeated evenly.

"Wowie, that would be…wow…I love you," Antonio let out a little laugh and kissed him again. "You know it's literally killing me not having sex. And you won't even touch me! I get it. I do. But the shower can only do so much for a man."

"Shut up!" Lovino scolded quietly as he covered the baby's ears.

"He's two months old, Lovi." Antonio giggled. "I don't think he knows what I'm talking about."

"You don't know, idiota," Lovino mumbled.

He had to pretend to be okay. He could fake being his old self until he found Luca. Everyone would stop asking if he was okay. He wasn't. He didn't even know if he _could_ be his old self. Trying to be apathetic was exhausting. And did he really want to raise a child thinking that you can't show emotion? Did he really want to raise a child who built walls so high nobody could get it, but not high enough to keep the anxiety out? No. But he had to try for now. For Luca.

Antonio was cooking now. Lovino watched him. He wasn't upset today. He was so…happy. Maybe the prospect of sex had changed things? Lovino didn't want to sleep with him. Ever. Nobody. Never ever again. Sure, it felt good, but pushing a baby out…not so good. Lovino refused to do that again.

He walked out of the kitchen with the baby and to the nursery to pack some bags. He set fake Luca on the floor for some tummy time while he packed. He kept an eye on him. Antonio was good. He'd definitely done a good job finding a fake baby. Lovino watched him play, struggling to keep his head up. The baby whimpered a little bit. Lovino frowned and laid on his stomach in front of the child and smiled at him. The baby looked at him with wide eyes and whimpered again.

"I know…" Lovino said gently. He looked toward the door. "You probably miss your mommy and daddy. I miss my Luca. I bet your mommy is worried about you. She's probably scared to death that you're hurt, but I'm going to keep you safe and take good care of you until we can find her, okay?"

The baby started crying in protest. Lovino rolled his eyes and buried his face into his arms. What could he do? Of course this baby was angry that he was separated from his parents and put with a guy who everyone thinks is crazy. He stood up and picked the baby up. He sat down and reluctantly nursed the baby. His mind wandered to Luca again. Was whoever had him breastfeeding him? This was Luca's milk. It was made for especially for Luca. This baby…this baby was drinking it all.

* * *

Antonio watched Lovino carefully in the park. Something was wrong with Lovino. He didn't care what he was told. He wasn't just tired. He knew there was something else going on. You don't just think your baby isn't your baby because you're tired. His mother told him he needed to be more present. That it was his fault. Lovino needed rest. If Lovino got sleep, everything would be better. Lovino _had_ seemed like he was feeling a bit better, but could he trust it? Everyone told him Lovino just needed sleep. His mom, his siblings, his friends. His mother had even told him he shouldn't worry Dr. Evans with such silly things because she was busy and it was just a matter of sleep. But he wasn't so convinced.

Lovino was on the swing holding Luca, smiling as they swung slowly. Luca looked like he was having so much fun. He had a big smile on his face. Lovino kissed the baby's head with a sweet smile. He loved it. Antonio snapped a picture and set it as his background. It was absolutely precious. It was still amazing to him how much Lovino loved Luca. It was something so pure, so strong. Antonio loved Luca, sure, but not the way Lovino did. Lovino would risk his sanity for Luca. Antonio could barely stand not getting a full night's sleep.

He turned back to the picnic table and finished arranging everything. Their friends and Feliciano would be there soon. Lovino had suggested that Antonio invite his family, but he wasn't so sure he wanted to see them. He was sick of being told what he was doing wrong. They knew nothing of what he was doing. What they were going through. He was tired of people pretending to know.

"Salut!" Francis sang behind him.

Antonio turned around giving him a big smile. Francis was wearing his hair pulled back in a messy bun, his blue eyes hidden behind reflective sunglasses. Small curls fell loose around his face. He was wearing a pair of khakis and a light blue polo. _Did he ever look bad?_ Antonio pushed the thoughts from his head. He could never think that way about Francis. He was seeing someone, and he had a child and boyfriend. He needed to keep his eyes to himself. Did Francis do this intentionally?

"Hey!" Antonio hugged his friend and allowed him to kiss his cheeks.

Francis lifted his sunglasses and held up the bags in one hand with a big smile. Antonio felt so oblivious that he hadn't seen them. Of course he should have noticed them. Antonio lifted his eyebrows in shock and widened his grin.

"I brought gifts! Arthur even helped. He _never_ wants to go shopping with me," Francis pouted for a second before continuing. "I hope you don't mind. I know two months isn't a birthday and you don't need the help, but how else am I going to be his favorite uncle, non?"

"Yeah, no, no, of course that's okay. Thank you."

Antonio tried to keep himself composed. _Was_ Francis doing this on purpose? He had been more reserved than this recently. It'd been a while, hadn't it, that he'd done something like this. He hadn't _faire la bise_ since they broke up last. He was in such a good mood. Antonio wasn't sure the last time he'd seen him like this. He hadn't really let himself be _himself_ since high school too. What was this?

"Where is the little one?" Francis asked, his eyes skimming over the park.

"Lovi is with him on the swing," Antonio informed him.

"Where, mon chere?" Francis turned to him with a playful grin.

Antonio glanced up, his eyes going to where Lovino had just been with Luca. It was empty. His heart skipped a beat. He didn't know why he was so nervous, but suddenly he was very uneasy. He took a few steps forward and scanned the park. He breathed a sigh of relief when he spotted Lovino hugging Matthew while Emma held Luca, playing with him. He watched Lovino step back and hug another person. Antonio guessed it was Feliciano from the hoodie. Lovino hugged him for such a long time, it seemed out of character.

"He's over there," Antonio mumbled, pointing Francis in the right direction.

God, he smelled so nice! Why couldn't Lovino smell nice? Lately he showered maybe once every three or four days and smelled like baby spit up and milk. He could at least try, couldn't he? If Francis could have a child and did, Antonio knew he wouldn't be caught dead looking anything but fabulous. He'd spent too much time looking bad. Antonio wondered if that was even possible these days. He'd seen him sick and post breakup and he was never anything less than perfect. _Why was he thinking about Francis? _

"So you have a new boyfriend?" Antonio asked to change the subject of his thoughts. "You're happy." It wasn't a question. It was a statement.

"Oui!" Francis beamed and sat down on the picnic table. "He's English. From London. He's a bit of a sour puss, but if you keep at it, you can see he's really a wonderful person. He's so smart, Toni! He's a famous author back in the UK! He's having a bit of a hard time breaking out here though. His agent told him he should move here for a bit to get a base going, but publishers here aren't really into the same thing, which is sad because he works so hard!" Francis frowned. "He's passionate. We can have the best discussions about things and I just…I can be myself with him, you know? I bet you have that with Lovino, non? Where you know this person will accept you? He's so funny. He doesn't try to be, but he is. He hates it when I laugh at him for being so serious. Oh, Tonio, I wish you could meet him! But he's so shy. He isn't a very social butterfly, you know?" Francis sighed, a sleepy look on his face. "I really think he's the one. And before you say anything! I'm serious this time. I know I've said it a million times, but Antonio…he is just…" Francis rested his chin on his hand without finishing his sentence.

Antonio studied him. He'd never seen Francis like this. He knew he should be happy for his friend, but he still felt jealous. Why hadn't he ever looked at him like that? Why hadn't Francis ever described him with such detail? Maybe it was the lack of sex. It had to be. Antonio had always been a very physical person and the two month dry spell was starting to get to him. This wasn't usual. He was dying. All these thoughts would be gone after tonight. Lovino would finally let him be intimate. He knew he had to be gentle. He'd be so gentle! Lovino would not regret this. He would enjoy it. He had to!

"I'm happy for you," Antonio smiled and hugged him. "I have to meet him soon!"

"You do!" Francis giggled softly to himself.

"Hey, Toni!" Emma called.

Antonio turned, happy to have a distraction. Matthew was behind her, a soft smile on his face as he gave a gentle wave. Emma practically jumped into Antonio's arms. He hugged her tight and kissed her cheek. She looked great. Just as happy as Francis. Their wedding was in a month, wasn't it? It would be here before he knew it. He had barely seen them the past two months. Lovino barely spoke to Matthew as far as Antonio knew. Feliciano was staring at him behind Emma. A dead stare. Antonio hated that look. He _hated_ that Feliciano didn't like him. _EVERYONE _liked him.

"Hola, Feli!" Antonio sang trying to be friendly.

"It's Feliciano actually," the teen stated firmly.

"Feli…" Lovino scolded unconvincingly.

"Ooh presents!" Feli giggled and walked over to the bags on the table.

"Those are for Luca, actually. Not…" Antonio trailed off. Feliciano was already digging through the bags. "Lovi!" he squealed and held up a hoodie for Lovino that read "Italia" with the flag. The upper portion in the front looked almost like a flap.

"I thought you said this was for Luca?" Antonio's eyes glued to Francis.

"Well one bag for Luca, one bag for Lovino." Francis smiled, then to Lovino, "It's a nursing sweatshirt! I got it custom made to look like those soccer track jackets! I miss France with all my heart, so I figured why not get you something to remind you of Italy? Antonio mentioned you liked to run too, so I thought this was perfect!"

"Thanks…" Lovino breathed. His cheeks burned. Antonio watched him glance at Francis. "I actually have never been there. My parents moved when my mom was five months pregnant with me."

"Really?" Antonio asked. "I thought you were born in Italy?"

"No…" Lovino started.

Antonio swallowed. Everyone was staring at him. They were judging him. He could feel it. How could he not know something like that about his boyfriend? What was wrong with him? Had Lovino even told him? Maybe? He couldn't remember. But Francis, Francis was planning something. He knew it.

"Oh…sorry," Antonio muttered.

"And this!" Feliciano pushed a bundle at Lovino.

"What is it?" Emma asked leaning in for a better look. She gasped. "Francis, you are so sweet! A pampering set! It's custom too! This is why you asked me to go shop with you!"

* * *

Lovino was silent. He stared at the gift, taking in the contents. Nobody had ever done anything like this for him his entire life. He's been so stressed out, so tired, and this man he barely knows thought enough to do something so kind. Special soaps? Bubble bath? Bath salts? Chocolate? Tea? Hot chocolate? This hoodie was perfect. All for him. Gifted by practically a stranger. He could feel his cheeks on fire and the tears threatening in his eyes. He fought them back with everything he could, but he knew he'd lose. He was so tired. And this was so nice.

"Thank you…" Lovino managed to choke out. It took everything in him not to throw himself on him in a hug. He wasn't even an affectionate person.

"No problem at all, chere!" Francis winked with a soft smile.

Lovino was quiet. He sat down on the bench. He couldn't even focus as Feliciano proceeded to open the gift Francis had gotten for Luca. It was mostly clothes, diapers and toys. All for two months? This was more than he'd ever gotten on birthday and Christmas combined. His mind floated to Luca. He would love this. The park, the people here who wanted to support him. Everyone would love him. Of course they thought this baby was Luca. They weren't connected to him the way Lovino was.

Emma and Feliciano went to go play with fake Luca. He watched them silently. The baby was happy. Feliciano looked like he was feeling much better. That was nice. He sighed and pulled his knees to his chest. Antonio was talking with Francis. Somewhere along the way, Gilbert showed up. Lovino muttered a greeting to him when prompted, but his mind wasn't really in it. His mind was wandering, ideas spewing for ways to find Luca.

"Lovi?" Matthew nudged him gently.

"Huh?" Lovino turned to look at him. Matthew was frowning softly.

"I asked you if you were ready for the wedding next month?" Matthew repeated patiently. "Alfie's going to be back soon. I can't believe I miss him so much?" Matthew let out a small chuckle.

"He is your brother," Lovino mumbled.

"Yeah, but he's always annoyed me, been a bit much. I've always wished to be away from him for just a little while." Matthew sighed.

"Look," Lovino straightened up and made eye contact. "I get wanting to be away from your annoying little brother. I do. I get that. But fuck, Matthew, do you have to complain to me about missing him?"

"Lovino…" Matthew looked confused.

"I…I have things on my mind. Way more important things than missing a little brother. If you miss him so much, Matthew, call him. Fuck…" Lovino brushed tears angrily from his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Matthew asked gently.

Lovino shrugged. He shouldn't have snapped at Matthew. He didn't do anything wrong. Matthew never did anything wrong. Matthew was perfect. Should he tell him what's going on? Would he even believe him? Matthew hadn't been around much the last two months. He barely spoke to him. And now he just complained about Alfred. Did he ever stop? Matthew was silent. He sighed and leaned back, his eyes on Emma.

"She's perfect, Emma," Matthew smiled. "We've decided to stop using protection. She really wants a baby and it's only a month away. She's such a natural with kids. She's going to be a great mom. We're so excited. I'll be finishing my thesis and have my PhD in six months. It will be perfect. I've already got this job lined up in this lab. They test medications."

"You're…you're trying for a baby?" Lovino asked, his eyes glued to the grass.

"Well no, not trying. We're just not actively trying _not_ to have a baby," Matthew let out a soft chuckle. "It'd be nice, wouldn't it? Luca could have a little friend. You and I are best friends and Emma and Antonio are pretty close. They'd be such good friends."

"Yeah…" Lovino whispered. He couldn't fight the tears anymore. His body shook with sobs. He needed Luca. He wanted him. Where was he? He'd have a friend! A real friend and he wasn't here. Sure the baby Emma was playing with could have a friend, but it wasn't Luca.

"Lovino?" Matthew stood up, concerned. "I'm sorry I upset you!"

"I want my baby," Lovino announced through his tears.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Matthew asked, confused.

Lovino shook his head and pushed past Matthew, ignoring his protests. Antonio called after him, trying to take his hand and calm him down. How dare he? How dare he try to keep Lovino from Luca? Who the fuck did he think he was? Lovino ripped his hand from Antonio muttering at him to fuck off. He made a beeline toward Emma and Feliciano. Without a word he took the infant from them and looked around the park. He started to walk. He didn't know where he was going, but he was trembling. He needed to find Luca. The _real_ Luca. He ignored the protests. They didn't understand. They wouldn't understand. For all he knew, they were in on it. Antonio _was_ friends with all of them except Feliciano.

Suddenly he spotted familiar faces. Phillipe and Rosa were pushing a stroller as they walked on the hike and bike trail that ran through the wooded park. They had a baby. They had to have Luca. He knew it was Luca as soon as he saw them. He stopped for a moment. He glanced behind him. Nobody was following him. They were all standing under the gazeebo where the table Antonio had set up the party around was. He took a deep breath and walked toward them.

They spotted him when he was about 3 feet away. Rosa smiled at him. Philippe looked a bit uncomfortable. Why? What had Lovino done to him? No…no, that was definitely a sign that something was up. They had Luca! They had to have Luca! He smiled, his heart swelling. They must be ready for their real baby!

"Hola, Lovino," Rosa smiled. Her eyes fell to the child in his arms. "Is this your baby? He's precious! May I hold him?"

"Si!" Lovino handed him to her. He leaned in to look into the stroller. "May I see your little one?"

"She's asleep right now, actually," Philippe frowned.

"She?" Lovino's heart was racing.

"Yes, we got her about a month ago! Her name is Mia." Rosa smiled.

"No…" Lovino let out a laugh and looked in. All he saw was pink. Why was Luca in pink? What were they doing? They were in on it! They had to be. "Give. Me. My. Baby." Lovino demanded.

"Oh…um…okay?" Rosa and Philippe shared a glance. _They knew._ She started to hand the fake Luca back to Lovino.

"NO!" he shouted. "You took my Luca! He gave him to you!"

"What?" Phillipe raised an eye brow.

"Give him to me!" Lovino lounged at the stroller.

* * *

Antonio sprinted toward Lovino. His heart was in his throat. Lovino was panicking, screaming for Luca. There was a woman holding him. A stroller. He couldn't get there fast enough. Matthew had run with him. Everyone had freaked out. They didn't know what was going on. The couple didn't seem aggressive, just shocked, a bit freaked out. Did Lovino know them? Matthew had reached them. He was almost there. Matthew had Luca now. He was trying to calm Lovino who was screaming at them to give him Luca. His eyes were wild. Antonio finally reached him. He pulled him away from the man who was blocking him from the stroller.

"Give him to me!" Tears were pouring down Lovino's face.

"Lovi, I have him. It's okay," Matthew soothed.

"No! That's not Luca! He's there!"

"I'm so sorry," Antonio apologized the traumatized couple. They nodded, rushing away giving Lovino a concerned look.

"Noooo!" Lovino let out an agonizing scream, lurching forward trying to escape Antonio's grip. "My baby! They have my baby!"

"No, they don't," Antonio tried to get him to calm down. "He's right there. Matthew has him. It's okay."

"You gave my baby to them!" Lovino accused, shoving at him.

"What?" Antonio glanced at Matthew who was bouncing Luca, holding him close to calm the now scared and crying child.

"That's not Luca! I don't want him! I want my baby!" Lovino was sobbing.

The couple was now how of view. Lovino went limp as he sobbed, his knees giving out. Antonio sank down with him, holding him as he sobbed. He couldn't believe what just happened. Lovino believed that that couple, whoever they were, had Luca. He'd been acting so strangely, but he'd been better lately! He seemed more like himself. He thought everything was going to be okay now, but this…this was terrifying.

* * *

Lovino sat with his knees pulled to his chest in Matthew's car. He stared out the window watching everything fly by. His heart ached. Tears slipped down his face incessantly. He had been so close. They were trying to trick him, but he knew. Why did Antonio have to ruin it? He was going to get Luca back. He was so close. Antonio must have found out somehow about the adoption. Maybe they'd put him up to it? They were angry he'd back out of it. That had to be the reason why. But Luca was his. He grew him inside him. They could have any baby in the world. Why did they need Luca?

"So…" Matthew said softly. "You were going to give him up for adoption…and that was the couple you chose before you changed your mind?"

Lovino nodded his head. He hadn't wanted to talk to anyone. He hated Antonio. He'd screamed at him such horrible things. Francis and Gilbert had stared at him like he'd killed Antonio. Emma looked scared. Feliciano…fuck…he'd been so upset. Emma was tending to him. He was so sick. He didn't need that stress. Matthew was the only one he trusted right now.

"Rosa and Philippe." Lovino whispered.

"And you say Antonio switched the babies?"

"Yeah. Luca didn't cry like that. How did he get this new baby to look like him? He thought I'd fall for it. He thought I wouldn't know, but a mother always knows."

Matthew nodded and rubbed his cheek as he drove. He believed him. Matthew told him so. He was so nice. Of course he could talk to Matthew! There was nothing he couldn't talk to him about. When had Matthew ever judged him? Ever even gotten upset with him? Matthew Williams was the kindest, most patient and accepting person Lovino had ever met. This was the first person he had ever spilled his guts out to. They'd just met, but Matthew was just that way. It felt safe to talk to Matthew.

"I miss my baby," Lovino whimpered.

"I know. I'm so sorry. I've been a bad friend to you. I've been so wrapped up with Alfie enlisting and then planning the wedding. I should have been there for you more," Matthew apologized.

Always apologizing. That was just Matthew's personality. There was a song from this band Lovino had like in high school that reminded him of his best friend. _The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt._ That was Matthew. He apologized even when he'd done nothing wrong.

"It's not your fault," Lovino offered a smile. They shared a comfortable silence. "It hurts so much…" Lovino whimpered. "Luca being gone."

"I know," Matthew muttered softly.

Matthew was going to help him. He said so when he coaxed him away from the park. He would help him look and they'd file a report. He'd have Luca back in no time! Lovino knew he just needed to trust his friend. He didn't know where they were going, but Matthew said he knew where it was and it trust him, so he did. The pain was so bad, the ache in his chest. He watched carefully as Matthew exited the highway and turned into what looked like a business district.

Intelligent buildings lined the streets. People dressed for errands and others in business suits walked the sidewalks and darted into buildings. He wondered if any of them had seen Luca. Had any of them lost their child like this? He hoped not, but part of him actaually did? He hated himself for that, but he didn't want to be the only one to experience this pain. Clearly Antonio knew somebody and if he knew somebody, then wouldn't that somebody do this type of thing?

Matthew pulled into a parking spot in front of a building and shut the car off. His eyes were glued to the steering wheel. "Lovino…" he started.

"Behavioral health hospital?" Lovino read the door. He glanced at Matthew with fire burning in his eyes. How could he? How could he betray him like this? "You think I'm crazy?"

"Lovino, listen to me, I care about you."

"Bull fucking shit!" Lovino shouted. "If you cared you would be helping me find my baby not trying to lock me in up in a nut house!" Lovino tried to get out. The door wouldn't budge. The asshole had put the child lock on! He hated the Matthew's doors didn't have the kind of locks you pull up. He tried to hit the unlock button, but Matthew stopped him.

"Luca is safe. He's with his father, with Antonio. You're clearly not well! It's not your fault. If your leg was broken, would you let me take you to the hospital?"

"I'm not a fucking psycho!" Lovino couldn't breathe. He felt his heart racing. His eyes were filling with tears.

"You're ill, Lovino," Matthew tried to convince him. "You need help."

"Fuck you, Matthew! I'm fine! Not that you fucking care! You've have fucking talked to me in two fucking months! Don't you dare fucking tell me that you fucking give a shit about me!"

"You tried to steal a baby girl, Lovino! You thought a baby girl was Luca!" Matthew had tears in his eyes. "Postpartum depression, Lovino."

"You're not a doctor, Matthew…" Lovino let out a laugh. "You got rejected from medical school remember? I got accepted. I got accepted, but you…you were jealous. That's…You did this didn't you? You're working with him!" Lovino shook his head. "My best friend…"

"No," Matthew shook his head. He swallowed and took a breath. "This has nothing to do with that, Lovino. You're sick. You need help."

"Fuck you," Lovino shook his head crying. "I trusted you. I fucking trusted you!" He shoved at Matthew, but the man was so strong. He couldn't get loose of his hold. "I hope Alfred dies! I hope he dies and you know how much it hurts to lose someone you love because it's _hell_!"

"I know you don't mean that," Matthew said softly, his eyes closed.

"I do." Lovino let out a laugh. "Because…Because you and Antonio…you just…I mean it. I want you to suffer the way you're making me suffer!"

"No, you don't." Matthew whispered.

"Yes, I do!"

"No, you don't. You're sick. You're angry."

"You want to think so. Fuck you, Matthew. I do."

"You love him too." Matthew said suddenly angry. He shook Lovino. "You were _in love_ with him."

"Fuck you…" Lovino hissed. "Let me out!"

"You have to go in, Lovino." Matthew whispered.

"No…I really don't. I'm not going in." Lovino was shaking now.

"Please, Lovino, for Luca. For Feli. For your mom. Your mom wouldn't want you like this, Lovi. She'd want you to have the help you need. She would want you to be happy." Matthew tried to persuade him.

"Don't you dare fucking talk about my mother! You didn't know her!" Lovino shouted.

"I don't have to know her to know she'd want you to be well!"

Lovino just needed a way out. He stopped suddenly. Matthew let go of him for a split second and Lovino was able to unlock the door and jump out. And he ran.

* * *

Lovino couldn't stop running the scene outside the hospital over and over again. How could Matthew have done that to him? Betrayed him? Matthew was supposed to be his best friend. How could he do this? He just…he was in on this little secret, this plot. He hated Matthew so much. Luca was long gone by now. It was all his fault. Why did he take him to the hospital? And how did he know about Alfred?

Images from those two years when Lovino was living in the dorm with Alfred flashed through his mind. The kind blue eyes that always seemed to be so full of laughter staring at him. Alfred had expressive eyes though. The laughter was sometimes clouded. Lovino had tried to see him as the annoying jocky frat boy, but he couldn't. Alfred was so kind to him. From day one, he wanted to include him. Lovino had figured it was just what college freshman did, cling to their roommates. Lovino had been able to talk to him. He went with him places. He hadn't had that before. He'd never let guys hangout with him. Hell, it even took a whole semester of him and Matthew being best friends before Lovino would even be seen with him off campus. He really could have died when he found out that Alfred and Matthew were brothers.

Lovino had been thinking about it all evening. He'd run probably two miles before he felt sick and threw up in a nearby trash can. He'd been shaky and crying and had called Antonio to pick him up. He didn't want to see anyone who'd been at the party. They all either probably thought he was a basket case or they were working with Antonio. He couldn't even think about Feliciano. He'd been so upset. Lovino shuddered to think what would have happened had Emma not been there to help. Perhaps he should call him? Make sure he's okay?

Lovino was jerked from his thoughts by Antonio announcing dinner was ready. Luca was down for the time being. Antonio was really looking forward to having a dinner together. They hadn't been spending much time together since Luca was born according to him. Lovino didn't really see what he was talking about. They lived together. They slept in the same bed. They had been with each other, but it wasn't together time Antonio had said. Lovino did miss how things used to be with Antonio. Things were different now, but what could you do? Antonio told him that he missed talking to him, _really talking to him_. He missed watching movies cuddled up on the couch watching television or movies. It'd been so long. Maybe he was right? Maybe spending time together was what they needed? Maybe that would convince Antonio to bring Luca back. He figured it would be best to appease the man.

He made his way to the kitchen table as Antonio set a plate of food on the table in front of Lovino, a big smile on his face. He kissed Lovino's forehead. He held his face for a moment, searching Lovino's eyes for something. He frowned and walked toward the kitchen. Lovino watched him pick up another plate and pull a beer out of the refrigerator. He sat opposite Lovino and cracked it open.

"You sure you're okay?" Antonio questioned.

Lovino offered a small smile and nodded. He picked at the food. Antonio stared at him for a minute more before smiling again and taking a long swig of his beer. Lovino watched him, studying him closely. He seemed so calm. His plan was almost foiled this morning. How could he just sit there like nothing happened? He watched his neck muscles push the cold liquid down the man's esophagus before jerking back up.

"I'm sorry. I just…" Lovino didn't know what to say. Antonio's green eyes raised to meet his. "I've been really stressed out is all. Over tired…I just…I'm sorry." Lovino stuttered out.

"It's okay," Antonio said gently. He laid his hand out in front of him, reaching for Lovino's hand. Lovino gave it to him and watched. Antonio took it, rubbing circles on the back of his hand with his thumb. "You really scared me," Antonio said seriously. "You scared all of us."

"I'm sorry," Lovino brushed a tear from his cheek.

"It's not your fault. I should do more." Antonio sighed, frowning, then perked up. "You should have a day off! Go do something for the wedding with Matthew."

"I never want to see him again," Lovino muttered coldly pulling his hands away and starting in on the salad.

"He was only trying to help…" Antonio offered.

"Fuck that! I don't need help! He didn't even talk to me about it. Fuck…" Lovino snapped. He held his head on his arm, his hand making fistfuls of hair.

"I love you," Antonio smiled at him.

"Yeah…" Lovino couldn't bring himself to say it, to lie.

Antonio frowned and began eating himself. He tried to make small talk, but Lovino didn't want to talk. He didn't want to sit here and pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. How could he do this to him? How could he seriously just take his baby and pretend he didn't? Matthew was on his side. Matthew. He was supposed to be his best friend. How could he do this? Even Feliciano…If he could have counted on anyone to be on his side, it should have been his little brother. But no, Feliciano had agreed with everyone else. Something seemed to be wrong with Lovino. He knew that much by the horrified look on the boy's face. Fuck it. Fuck them.

Lovino finished his food, excusing himself without saying a word. Antonio was midsentence. He trailed off. Lovino didn't care. He needed to get cleaned up. There's no way he and Antonio could have sex tonight if he was such a mess. When was the last time he showered? He couldn't say. He took some clothes out of the dresser and went to the bathroom. He couldn't bear Antonio seeing the way his body looked now. The stretch marks and loose skin…he just couldn't take Antonio seeing that. Tonight…tonight when they had sex, he was going to insist on the lights being out and that he wear a shirt. He didn't really need his torso exposed for Antonio to get what he wanted. All he needed was access to _that_. Lovino couldn't even think it anymore.

He slipped into the bath and started the shower. He watched the pink tinged water flow down the drain. Should he tell Antonio he was still bleeding slightly? Would that matter? Lovino rubbed his face. It couldn't matter, could it? He pushed the thought from his head as he bathed himself. He was shaking by the time he finished. Would it hurt? Maybe. He wasn't really sure, but he couldn't focus on that now. He dressed quickly and made his way toward their room.

The lights were off in the house save for the night light emanating from the baby's room. He made his way slowly down the hall toward the bedroom. The hall seemed so impossibly long. He should have showered in the bathroom connected to their bedroom, but Lovino hadn't been in there in so long. Lovino flinched at the sound of the baby beginning to cry. He felt the urgency in his breasts suddenly. He still wasn't used to all of this. He snuck into the room, closing the door and making his way toward the crib. He picked up the child, exposed his breast and closed his eyes as the baby latched. He sat in the rocking chair and stared at the window. Luca was out there. Was he being fed properly? They were giving him formula. He'd get sick. That's not what Lovino wanted for his baby. He rocked the child long after he'd finished eating, staring out the window. He sighed and stood up, placing the baby in the crib finally. He could do this.

He crept down the hall, opening their bedroom. The room was lit by the dimmed light of the bathroom creeping through the door way. Antonio had gotten into the habit of leaving light for Lovino to come and go in the night. The man's figured was under the blanket, facing away from the door. Lovino could hear his steady breathing. He took a shuddering breath and kicked off his pajama pants and underwear and crept to the bed.

He slipped under the covers and snaked his arms around the man's waist. He planted kisses on his cheek, down his neck. He ran his hands down to the man's crotch before whispering in Antonio's ear to wake up. The man stirred slightly. Lovino bit his lip and glanced at the clock. It was late, but he had to do this. He'd built himself up for it. He turned Antonio over and kissed him before pulling back.

"Hey," Antonio's groggy voice greeted. A sleepy smile spread across his face. This was his chance. Lovino straddled him, then leaned over, kissing him. "Whoa, what's gotten into you?" Antonio giggled.

"Fuck me," Lovino answered.

"Do you really think this is a good time? I mean, you've had a long day. You've been so stressed."

"Sex releases stress, right? Wasn't it you who said that?" Lovino was trembling.

"Well, yeah, but…"

Lovino pushed the man's pants down and took him in his hand. His eyes glued to Antonio. He stared at Lovino for a moment, eyes wide. Lovino started to pump his hand up and down, focusing on his task. He had to just do this. Get passed this simple fuck. He knew it wouldn't be quick. Sex with Antonio was never quick, but if this is what it took... Antonio was silent still apart from his quickened breathing. He felt sufficiently hard in Lovino's hand. Lovino let go and lifted himself, positioning Antonio at his entrance.

"What are you doing?" Antonio sat up suddenly, pushing Lovino away. "Have you prepped yourself already or something?" Lovino shook his head, confused. "No lube? Are you trying to hurt yourself/"

"I just…" Lovino didn't know what to say.

"Fuck…" Antonio rubbed a hand over his face. "Look, baby, you can't just…"

"I thought you wanted to have sex with me?" Lovino whimpered.

"I do, no, mi amor I do, I just…please don't hurt yourself. You have to prep. Stretch you out. Otherwise it could cause tearing."

Lovino stared at him. Antonio got up and went to the bathroom, still explaining why Lovino couldn't do what he did. Funny. Acting like he actually gave a damn.

"You don't want tearing do you?" Antonio asked, a concerned look on his face.

"I think I've been sufficiently stretched and torn, if I had to guess," Lovino deadpanned.

"Which is why it's even more important. You don't want to open old wounds."

And then it started. Lovino had forgotten how gentle and careful Antonio was. Kisses and touching and then finally slipping a lubed finger into him. Lovino let out a soft moan. It really did feel good as Antonio rubbed him. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad? Then Antonio started to stretch him by spreading his fingers. Lovino shifted. It hurt. He didn't remember this ever hurting like this. Not even at first. Did he still have stitches? He wasn't sure. Dr. Evans had told him it wouldn't last long. A month or so.

"God, I love you," Antonio muttered through a kiss.

"I love you too," Lovino managed back.

Lovino watched as Antonio rolled a condom on. God, he was so hot. Lovino felt himself stir. Why wasn't he feeling it like before? He didn't know. Antonio laid on top of him, pressing his lips gently to Lovino's lips. His hands ran down Lovino's sides, never moving his shirt. He stopped on Lovino's thighs, pulling them apart and up. Lovino felt the conflicting feelings of longing and desire with that of disgust and fear. _Get over it. It's just sex._ He told himself. Antonio positioned himself.

"Ready?" He whispered. Lovino nodded. Antonio began to slowly press in. His body burned slightly as it stretched.

"Wait," Lovino pulled away, sitting up.

"Did I hurt you?" Antonio asked, his brows knitted in concern.

"No…yes…it hurts. It does. I don't think I'm fully healed. I…I still bleed a little. It hurts, but I want to do it, but I have to ask…" Lovino swallowed hard.

"If it hurts, we don't have to…" Antonio assured him.

"No, it's okay. It's like in the beginning. It's all right."

"Okay…" Antonio looked confused.

"Can you give him back to me? If I have sex with you, I mean? Will you give me back my Luca?"

Lovino could feel himself trembling. Antonio stared at him, a hard expression on his face. Lovino couldn't read him. Something flashed in the man's eyes. Lovino didn't know what was going to happen next. Suddenly Antonio stood. He pulled the condom off and threw it to the side.

"I didn't take him. I didn't do anything! You're losing it, Lovino! Why did you let Matthew help you? Why are you so…?" Antonio shook his head.

"I just want my baby back," Lovino whispered. Antonio was angry.

"He's in the other room!" Antonio shouted. "He's asleep! Stop being a child! You're twenty-fucking-one!"

"I just want my baby!" Lovino sobbed. "Please, look, just fuck me. I'll let you. Please!" Lovino spread his legs, even pulling the cheeks apart to expose himself.

"NO! Fuck…" Antonio rubbed his face. "Look at me! What is wrong with you?"

"I just want Luca!"

"You woke me up for this?" Antonio shook his head, tears brimming in his eyes. "You want Luca?" Lovino nodded. "I'll take you to Luca."

Antonio grabbed Lovino by the arm, dragging him behind him to the nursery. He half pushed, half threw Lovino into the room causing Lovino to fall on the floor. Lovino sobbed. He just wanted his baby. Why wouldn't he give him his baby?

"Get up!" Antonio demanded. He pulled him up from the floor and held him by the shoulders, shaking him firmly. "That is your baby! Him! Fuck!"

The baby was screaming now from the commotion. Antonio shook his head, throwing his hands in the air and storming out. Lovino crumbled to the floor, sobbing. He just wanted his Luca. He flinched when he heard the front door slam a few minutes later.

* * *

Antonio breathed a sigh of relief as he walked through the door of the bar. The soft lights were like welcome gifts at the moment. He knew he couldn't bare bright lights right now. He wasn't sure he could deal with much at all really at the moment. He hugged his jacket around him and walked up to the bar, plastered a big smile on his face and ordered himself a few shots. He tapped the counter absently while he waited, playing the argument over and over in his head.

How could Lovino do something like that? Why? What was wrong with him? Antonio had been so patient with him. Sure, he brought it up, but never pushed it. Tonight Lovino had made the move. Antonio had thought it best not to bring up intimacy after what had happened in the park. Going to bed would have been perfectly acceptable. He had been tired after all. Wasn't he half asleep anyway when Lovino had come in the room? Was it not Lovino who got into bed and started it?

Antonio couldn't think about it anymore. The more he thought, the worse he felt. He needed a release so badly and he knew he wasn't going to get it. God, he had been so close! He couldn't help but wonder how much longer this was going to go on. Even now he could feel the aching.

He took the shots with him to a table on the side of the room and sat down, pulling his phone out to text Francis when a table of women, probably college age by the looks of them, staring at him caught his attention. He sent them a playful smile and winked before throwing back a shot of tequila. He set out on his mission to ask Francis for advice. He always knew what to do. He tried to tune out the giggles and murmurs coming from the table, but he couldn't help but be curious, glancing at them every so often.

Suddenly a beer appeared in front of him, the male bartender had a smirk on his face, nodding toward the girls who erupted in to a fit of giggles. "You're going to be lucky tonight," he shook his head and walked away.

He glanced at his phone. Francis still hadn't texted him back. He figured he should go thank the girls to kill time. Maybe he'd calm down a bit? He slid out of the booth and walked toward the girls who were now whispering amongst each other. They quieted once Antonio had been standing at the table for a moment. Antonio opened his mouth only to be cut off by a girl with deep brown eyes and auburn hair.

"So have you come to ask me to your table?" She ventured boldly.

"Well…" Antonio blinked. He wasn't used to this. His mental state wasn't into this…but company could be nice. "I don't…"

"Mind?" The woman laughed softly.

Her friends giggled, a couple sliding out of the booth to let her out. She took him by the hand and led him back to the table. He shifted uncomfortably. His mind was running a million miles a minute and this just complicated things. But on the other hand, he wasn't opposed to the female company. She was so beautiful. And it was better than spending time in his head hating himself and being angry at Lovino.

"What's your name?" The girl ventured. "I'm Daisy."

"Antonio," he smiled.

"What's a sexy man like you doing alone on a Saturday night?" She smiled into her cup as she took a sip of her gin and tonic.

"I needed to think…clear my mind."

"Oh…right…well maybe I can…help?" she blinked her big eyes at him.

"O-okay…" he let out a soft laugh.

"Tell me about yourself?" She smiled.

The two spent an hour talking. It didn't take long for Antonio to fall into step with the flirtation. It was nothing new, though he felt so out of practice. He had been so exhausted, but this, talking to this girl who was so beautiful and fun…it was electrifying. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he was being valued. As though the person across from him was interested. His mind focused on her and he took a jump on her offer to go back to her place. He downed one last drink and let her lead him out of the club, her friends' eyes glued to them.

He laughed at something she said and suddenly they were kissing and it felt so good. He just wanted release. He wanted this. Someone who wanted him. Not someone who ignored him unless they wanted something. She was here and she was real and she was the best he'd felt in months. His phone vibrated in his pocket, intensifying the electricity. They could go to her place and he would make her breakfast in the morning. They could take a stroll in the park or maybe she wasn't looking for that. Either way he was good.

"Just a minute," Daisy winked at him as she pulled away, running back in the bar for a moment.

The cold night air hugged him, setting his senses on fire. He pulled out his phone and felt sick. Lovino texting him, begging him to come, apologizing, promising he'll go to the hospital Matthew wanted him to go. Fuck. He had someone waiting for him. Someone he loved. What was wrong with him? Why had he let his desires affect him so much? He had a boyfriend and a baby and a very dire situation at him. He shouldn't be in some bar chatting with a girl he barely knew. He was twenty-seven. He was far too old for this. He should go. Just leave.

"Okay, I'm ready!" Daisy giggled, stumbling slightly. He caught her and moved away once she'd righted herself.

"Actually…Daisy," Antonio rubbed the back of his head nervously, his eyes off in the distance. "I can't go home with you. I…I'm sorry. I have to go." He started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" She demanded.

"Home. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you. I'm in a bad place. I'm sorry. I have go." He stammered as he backed away.

"What? Are you a homo or something?" she called after him. He tried to ignore her, clinging to his phone. His grip tightened with every slur she threw at him. Why had he wanted anything to do with her? He couldn't help but remember high school. The torment Francis went though and he just watched it. He had been popular. He could have stopped it.

"You know it's really gross of you to say those things," he said spinning around. "So seems like I dodged a bullet because I could never have sex with someone like you. You're disgusting. And you know what? I'm bisexual actually. Thank you. But no. Fuck you."

He ignored her as she yelled in her drunken state. She wanted her money back for the drinks. He couldn't stand it. He got in his car and called Francis. He'd know what to do. He could help. Antonio didn't have a clue. He had almost cheated on Lovino. He loved him. What had he done? What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just stop this?

"Salut!" Francis sang into the phone.

"Hey…I…I need your help." Antonio stuttered.

"Oh no…what's wrong?"

"I fucked up. I fucked up. Francis…I…" Antonio broke down into sobs.

"Tell me what you've done," Francis cooed gently.

"I just miss intimacy, _REAL_ intimacy. We don't talk anymore. He barely looks at me. He doesn't seem to notice me. Things aren't going well. He thinks I did something to Luca. He's sick and I just…He tried to have sex with me and I thought, I thought things were going to be better but no. And I got mad at him. Why did I get mad? God, I'm horrible! Why do you talk to me?" Antonio wanted to die. He'd messed up so much.

"Because I know you, mon cher. I love you. You have such a kind soul. You always have, but you are impulsive and it gets worse. I've noticed. But you're not horrible. You're stressed. You're having a hard time. Now then, have you talked to him? Told him how you feel? I'm sure you'll find you both feel the same."

"GAYYYYYY!" A voice in the back ground shouted.

"Hush, mon lapin. Yes, they are gay."

"You're gay," the voice slurred.

"Oui, and you're my boyfriend. Obviously I need to cut you off the alcohol. You're not acting like yourself." Francis laughed. "Sorry. We were drinking tonight watching movies. I've been sipping wine. I'm not a savage. But Arthur likes to throw them back. He's drunk far too much. If he gets past a certain point he's not even like himself at all. It's rather unsetting. He's cute so I'll keep him."

"I almost went home with a girl I met at the bar." Antonio confessed as he exited off the highway.

"What?" Francis gasped.

"I don't…I don't know how I got there. I just…Fuck, Francis I'm so fucked up!"

"No, no, are you with her now?"

"No. I…I snapped out of it. I'm going home. She wasn't nice. But then again I'm horrible." Antonio wiped his eyes.

"Go home. Don't talk about it. He's fragile. You need to get him help, Tonio." Antonio could practically hear the frown.

"I know. I know…" Antonio nodded.

"Call me if you need me okay? I have to go now. Arthur is attempting to climb over the balcony and I don't want him to hurt himself."

"Yeah…okay. Bye." Antonio choked out.

"Au revoir! Love you!" Francis sang. "Arthur, no! Get down." And the call ended.

* * *

Antonio found Lovino sitting on the bed, eyes red and swollen holding Luca. He looked so defeated. He didn't even glance at him. He just sat there with the baby. A part of Antonio couldn't help but wonder why he had decided to come back to this. It wasn't glamorous. It wasn't the life he'd pictured for himself. Lovino had once wakened everything in him when he laid eyes on him. Nowdays things were different, but he did still love him. He could feel that. If that's what love felt like. Lovino felt familiar. He felt like home. Did love feel like home? So long Antonio had always found that excitement love. There was no excitement anymore. He just knew he had to be with Lovino. He had to make him happy or die trying. He would wipe the tears off his face for as long as it took. Why had Francis wanted this their whole friendship? It wasn't anything to write home about, but dammit…

"You're drunk?" Lovino mumbled.

"No, no, not drunk…" Antonio rubbed the back of his head nervously and took a few steps into the room.

"You smell like alcohol and cigarettes."

"Nah, I just went to a bar for a bit. I'm not drunk. Just drank." He let a small chuckle cut the tension in the room. He looked toward his boyfriend.

Those golden green eyes pierced Antonio once more. They were so intense. Antonio felt so naked when Lovino looked at him, like he couldn't get away from him. They were so hollow these days. It was heartbreaking if Antonio was being honest. They used to be bright and sharp. Now…well things change don't they? He crossed the distance and sat next to Lovino.

"May I?" Antonio asked gesturing for Luca.

Lovino hugged the baby tighter to his chest and just as he was about to let his hopes fall, Lovino handed the baby to him. The younger man pulled his knees to his chest as tears slipped from wells pooled in his eyes. Antonio tried hard not to pay attention to him, just focus on his son. The infant was sleeping, bundled in a soft receiving blanket. Lovino was getting good at swaddling. Antonio felt his heart swelling as he looked at the baby. He glanced at Lovino and felt everything shatter.

"You…" He swallowed hard as he tried to form the question. "You really think I took Luca?" Lovino glanced away and nodded. "Why? Why would I take him?" Lovino shrugged. "Why do you think this isn't Luca?"

"Because," Lovino shifted. "Because he cries all the time. My Luca doesn't cry all the time. You took him when I was sleeping and you switched him. I want him back. Please give him back to me," Lovino whispered.

"Why would I take him?" Antonio asked softly taking Lovino's hand. "I love him and I love you."

"But you're mad at me," Lovino faced him. "You want to have sex and I don't want to and you're mad. You want to get back at me."

"What?" Antonio felt the daggers of the words. Whether they were intended or not…Antonio didn't know.

"But I don't want to have sex. I don't want to ever again. I'm sorry. I know you like it. I like it too. It feels really, really, really good, but it hurts, Antonio. _It_ hurts." Lovino's eyes glued to the baby. "It still hurts. Not as bad, but still hurts and I don't want to do it again, ever. But I had to do it and I just want my baby. I want it to be worth it. Please, Tonio, I miss my little boy."

"Lovi…" Antonio felt tears prick in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. Maybe, maybe I'll get surgery so I can't anymore and then we can and it'll be nice and we can just be the three of us, but I can't now. I still have some blood. And I just can't. I will though if I get my Luca. Please?"

Antonio pulled Lovino too him. He was shaking. He hadn't even considered what Lovino had gone through. The past year had changed everything. He had never thought of Lovino really through all this. He just knew things had been so fun in the beginning and then they had that fight and the light was gone from his life and then he got him back and he wanted to make him so happy. He never wanted to lose him. But what about Lovino? He'd gone through this alone. He should have been there when Lovino found out he was pregnant. He should have held him told him it was okay. Lovino lost his family. Antonio should have been there, been his new family with their friends. Every doctor's appointment, he should have been there. He should have held his hand as they saw their child. They could have had late nights talking about baby names and dreaming up their future. They could have taken pregnancy photos to announce to their family and friends that they were going to have a little family themselves. Through the aches and pains and weird cravings, he should have been there. He should have encouraged Lovino to stay in school on his path.

But he hadn't. He couldn't change it. He couldn't imagine how terrified Lovino was when he found out. How much had the hypocrisy of the only parent he had left hurt Lovino? Lovino learned his father found him to be the thing that ruined everything. Lovino had mentioned his parents had once been rich in Italy, that his conception had changed everything drastically. Lovino had nobody to help him through it all and now, now he couldn't take it anymore. He had drained himself of every ounce of strength and now he had a colicky baby that wasn't the dream baby. And where was Antonio now? He'd sat back and watched it happen without even realizing that Lovino was hanging on by a thread and that thread had snapped. What could he do?

"I promise you I didn't take him, Lovi. I wouldn't dream of it. He's colicky. I've noticed that lately. We just need to take him to the pediatrician and we'll have our little Luca back, okay?" Antonio kissed Lovino's forehead.

"Promise? For real?" Lovino stared at him hopeful.

"For real," Antonio promised. "Now let's go to bed, okay? We both need some rest."

Lovino nodded and took Luca from Antonio. He wrapped an arm around Antonio's neck and planted a tender kiss on his lips. Antonio smiled and watched him take the baby to the crib. He excused himself to the shower. He didn't want to cuddle Lovino like this.

* * *

**_Thank you so much for reading! Please review?_**


	32. Chapter 32

_**I'm so sorry how long this took to update. It was hard to get through and honestly I've not been in the best of spirits or moods. Not sure if I've mentioned this before but I'm bipolar with anxiety and the past month has been a fog and anxiety. I want to thank you all for being so patient and staying with me through the past 2 ish years it's taken me to write this. I'm almost done with this installment. I just want to let y'all know how much I love you. How much I appreciate you. You have all helped me so much even if you don't realize it. I promise to try harder to update sooner. Anyway I'll shut up so you can read.**_

_**TW: self harm and suicide mentions**_

* * *

Luca was screaming. He wouldn't stop. He'd been going since six this morning. Antonio watched Lovino bouncing the child in his arms, tears threatening in his eyes. He couldn't take the crying. Luca had barely slept last night. His head was pounding. Maybe he had drunk a bit more than he realized. He rubbed his face. He was so exhausted. He stood up, walking over to Lovino and tried to take Luca from him. Lovino shook his head and turned away from him.

"Don't you want a break?" Antonio asked.

"You're going to hurt him!" Lovino snapped back.

"No, I'm not. You need to rest, Lovi. Just give him to me." Antonio tried to be gentle with his tone. He was getting frustrated. Why was it that Lovino complained about needing help and then when he offered was told no?

"No, it's okay. He needs me," Lovino brushed tears away.

"Whatever..." Antonio muttered to himself.

He walked over to the closet and started to get dressed. He wasn't staying home today. If he did, he'd probably do something he regretted. He couldn't take this much longer. He didn't know why he was on such a short fuse lately. This wasn't him. Maybe it was the stress? Maybe it was the baby? Maybe it was that his boyfriend wasn't really his boyfriend in any sense of the word in his opinion. They didn't talk. They didn't watch movies or hug or kiss or do anything couples did. The only thing was they had a baby together. Maybe he needed to step back and talk to Lovino about starting over.

"What are you doing?" Lovino whimpered.

"I'm getting dressed for work," he explained, pulling on the white chef jacket over the black tank top.

"No, no, please…I need you. Don't go." Lovino started.

Antonio rolled his eyes. "Really? Then let me help? Give Luca to me. I'll take him outside. We'll go for a walk and you can sleep, okay? You're exhausted."

"No," Lovino took a few steps back, hugging the baby to him, shaking his head.

"Then what do you want me to do?" Antonio asked through gritted teeth.

"I need you. To help."

"With what!?" Antonio shouted. He immediately kicked himself at the flinch Lovino made.

"I'm tired."

"Okay…" Antonio took a deep breath before continuing. "What do you want me to do?"

"Make him stop crying," Lovino sobbed. "Please."

"I can't if you don't give him to me."

Antonio tried to take Luca again, only to be met with Lovino swatting him away. He couldn't deal with this. He pulled his black slacks on, ignoring Lovino's crying. He was acting like a child. He promised to go get help, but he was refusing now. What could he do to help him? Nothing. He couldn't force him to go. He wouldn't let Antonio make an appointment with the pediatrician about the colic. What could he do? He finished dressing and made his way downstairs. He prepared some oatmeal and coffee, trying so hard to not shout at Lovino again. He was in the kitchen now, begging him to help him. With what?

"Put Luca down and eat," Antonio instructed with an even tone.

"He's crying."

"Let him cry," Antonio said, pulling out the chair for Lovino. "He's going to cry whether you hold him or not. You might as well take care of yourself."

"I can't just let him cry!" Lovino protested.

"Sure you can. Give him to me." Antonio went to Lovino, trying to take the infant.

"No!"

"Give him to me!" Antonio shouted. "And sit down and eat!"

Lovino was quiet. He let Antonio take the child and sank down submissively in his seat. Antonio felt a wave of relief wash over him. He took the child upstairs to the nursery and put in him in the crib before clicking off the baby monitor. They needed quiet. Especially Lovino. It wasn't going to hurt Luca to cry for a bit. He was colicky. Antonio knew how dangerous colic could be. Babies just didn't stop crying. No matter what you did. It was always in the news that some parent, pushed to their wits end, accidentally hurting the baby. All you had to do was put them in a room to cry so you could pull yourself together. He swaddled Luca tightly and gave him a pacifier. He knew that would help if even just a little bit. Getting Luca away from the stress was also going to help him calm down. He planted a kiss on Luca's forehead, watching him tearfully for a moment. He hated seeing him so uncomfortable. They needed to take him to the pediatrician. He'd need to convince Lovino.

He flicked the light off as shut the door behind him and walked down the stairs. Lovino was sitting at the table, holding his coffee mug between both hands, staring into the cup as he cried silently. Antonio went to him and hugged him, planting a kiss on his cheek before kneeling down beside him. Lovino glanced at him, his golden eyes red and puffy.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you," Antonio whispered. "I'm stressed. We both are. Stressed and tired. Look…my niece had colic. We had to just put her in her crib to cry sometimes. I know it's hard and goes against every one of your instincts because you are an amazing father, but you need to take care of yourself. Let me take care of you, okay?"

"I'm a failure," Lovino whispered, letting out a shuddering breath. "I can't even make my own baby stop crying. I don't even think he is my real baby. I lost him." Lovino fell apart into sobs.

"Shhhh," Antonio hugged him, rocking him gently. "You're not a failure. You're amazing. I've never seen anyone more dedicated."

"Then why can't I make him stop crying? What kind of mother can't comfort their own baby?" Lovino asked, letting himself melt into Antonio's chest.

"He has colic. It's not your fault. Let me take him to the pediatrician."

"No." Lovino withdrew. "They'll take him away. I can't…no."

"No, they won't. It's common. You can't do anything to stop it."

"No!" Lovino snapped, slapping the table and holding his head at the temples as he cried.

"You can't do this alone, Lovi." Antonio took a breath. "Let me take you to the hospital. At least to your doctor. You're not well."

"I'm fine." Lovino insisted.

"You're not…" Antonio took his face in his hands. "You're not you anymore, Lovi."

"Fuck you. What do you know about me? All you've known was the person who built up walls and then the person you fucked. You've only known me scared and pregnant. You don't know me. Hell, I don't even know me anymore!" Lovino shook his head and stood up. He hugged himself as he paced. "I'm not even who I thought I was. I'm not…I'm not a man. I'm…I'm a freak."

"No, Lovino…" Antonio stopped at the glare Lovino sent him.

"I am. I'm this in between freak. My own father hates me, Tonio! I don't have anyone! My mama…I thought…I thought maybe she'd still love me if she was here, but I don't think so. Feli pretends, but I'm so selfish. Why are you even here?"

"You're not a freak." Antonio said firmly. "You're an intersex man and you're an amazing mother or father or parent, whatever you want to be called, to our son. I know I don't deserve you, but I love you. I'm trying. Please let me take care of you. Your father can go to hell. He's a piece of shit if he can't see how perfect you are. And Feliciano loves you. Your mother would be so proud of you."

"You don't know them. You can't talk about them." Lovino whispered.

"Anyone who doesn't love you is a fool. Now please, Lovi, please sit down and have breakfast with me."

Antonio held out his hand. Lovino stared at it for a moment before slowly taking it. Antonio pulled him in to a hug, kissing his cheek, holding him for a moment as Lovino cried. He couldn't imagine what Lovino was going through. All he knew was he needed help. God, how could he help him? He was barely hanging on. He needed to take them both to be seen by a doctor. Maybe they could just give Lovino pills? They could start him in therapy. Antonio would pay for it all. And Luca…well he knew there wasn't much you could do with colic. Lovino pulled away after a few minutes and let Antonio lead him to the table. They sat in a comfortable silence. By the time they finished, Lovino seemed much calmer. He'd stopped crying and was just quiet. It sounded like Luca has stopped crying too.

"I'm going to go. I'll be back in a few hours, okay? I promised I'd come in already. My staff is getting so overwhelmed. Call me if you need me before then, okay?" Antonio said, squeezing Lovino's shoulder.

"Wait, no. No. Don't go. I need you!" Tears pricked in his eyes again.

"Shhh, go take a nap. Luca's asleep now. I'll be back in a little bit."

"Please don't go," Lovino held on to him tightly, the look in his eyes almost desperate.

"I'll be back soon. I love you." He planted a kiss on Lovino's forehead and pried himself out of Lovino's grip before he left.

* * *

The child had been screaming for hours now. Nothing Lovino did was working. Luca had never done this. How could this child be Luca? Everyone said it was. Lovino was doubtful, but he went along with it. Fake Luca. He looked like him, smelled like him, felt like him, but it wasn't him. Exhaustion wreaked havoc on the man's body. His chest was engorged, but the child refused to eat. Nothing was working. Tears streamed down Lovino's face, sobs wracking his worn body. Should he call Antonio? No, he'd do what he always did…Leave. He couldn't take him screaming he said. He never considered that maybe Lovino couldn't either. That he needed a break. No, Lovino had to suffer. Worthless, disgusting, freak. The words never stopped.

Lovino had been pacing all day. He needed to lie down. He begged Luca to stop crying, to just let him rest. He laid down on the bed and set Luca beside him. He watched the infant for a moment, wiping his eyes. The child was so red as he screamed. His skin appeared to be moist. Lovino noted how he'd seemed sticky. Why wouldn't he stop crying? Lovino collapsed on the bed crying into his pillow. Maybe…maybe he could just…He felt himself tuning the child out slowly as his body melted into the bed. His eyes fluttered shut. Only whispers were leaving his lips down as he begged still for the child to quiet down.

"_Make is stop."_

Lovino hugged himself and turned to stare at the ceiling. How? How could he make it stop? Antonio wanted him to leave Luca in his crib, and just rest when it was too much, but he couldn't do that. Luca had been taken when he did that, real Luca. He needed fake Luca to be safe so when he found real Luca, he could switch the babies back. But maybe it was a good idea? He was so tired. His eyes fluttered as he tried to think. No coherent thoughts were forming. He wanted Antonio. He wanted Feli. He wanted Matthew, Alfred. Nobody. He let his eyes close. The crying echoed through his brain. Why wouldn't he shut up?

_"Make it stop. Bath."_

Lovino sat up. No, no. He got up and picked up the child. He paced the hallway bouncing the child and singing softly. No. He couldn't be alone. He stopped as the guest bathroom door came into his direct view. Luca writhed against him as he screamed louder in the man's ear.

_"No more crying. Sleep. Peace."_

Lovino hugged the child closer to him as he took a slow, small, deliberate step toward the door. Step after step Lovino felt a giddiness rise in him. Luca could take a bath and he could sleep. It was such a brilliant idea. Why had he not thought of that sooner? His hand landed on the cold metal of the knob. He turned it slowly and pushed open the door, flipped on the light and sat on the toilet lid. He hummed softly to the baby and turned on the water, checking the temperature. A laugh escaped him.

"Do you want to take a bath? So relaxing. And Papa will sleep. Daddy can get you when he comes home. Papa really needs to sleep," Lovino said softly, his lips brushing the child's cheek.

He watched the water level rise. Once it had almost reached the brim, Lovino turned off the faucet. He knelt on the floor and slowly unwrapped Luca's blanket. Small laughed escaped him. He was going to sleep! They'd both just sleep. Maybe he could sleep in the bath too! They'd relax. Maybe never wake up. He was so tired. He could sleep forever with Luca in the warm water. He slowly lowered Luca toward the water.

A small hand gripped his finger. Lovino was shocked by how the touch had seemed to pull him from a dream. Luca was staring at him, big blue eyes of a newborn not yet changed to their true color gazing into his golden green. He wasn't crying? Lovino was hearing the screams. Why? What? The corner of Luca's mouth twitched up into a sleepy grin. He was no longer red. Gentle coos escaped the child's throat. Lovino fell back onto his feet staring at the baby. When did he stop? Why was he still hearing it? He glanced at the bathtub, full of water. His breath hitched in his throat. What…what had he almost done?

Lovino felt sick. He quickly gently set the infant on the blanket on the floor just as he vomited into the bathtub. He trembled and stared at Luca through tears. What had he done? He flipped the drain and picked up the infant whispering apologies. He hugged Luca to him sobbing. Rage filled him as Antonio crept into his mind. He asked him, begged him to stay home. Pleaded for him to help. What had he done? He sat in the rocking chair and glanced at the child whose open mouth was rooting on Lovino's shirt. Lovino sighed and moved his shirt to allow the child access. He winced at the feeling of the baby latching on, the tingle of the letdown, and finally the milk being pulled from him. He rocked softly staring with dead eyes out the window.

_"Terrible. Evil. Worthless. Die." _

Lovino closed his eyes shaking his head. He rubbed his eyelids with his free hand and tried to push it from his mind. Where was it coming from? Crying continued in his mind, desperate, urgent calling to him. But he felt the child's mouth on his nipple. Maybe…maybe it was real Luca!

Lovino pushed the child off him and set him in the crib. He ran through the house calling for Luca. The cries would get louder then just as he was about to uncover Luca, the cries would come from a different direction. Tears fell down Lovino's cheeks. Where was he?

_"Luca doesn't deserve you. You would kill him. Worthless piece of shit."_

No. Lovino fell against the wall repeating no over and over. It wasn't true; none of it was true. He felt himself breaking against the vicious voice the tripped with malice. It was right. No, he didn't deserve to live. Lovino took a few breaths and walked toward the bathroom. He rummaged through Antonio's drawer finding a razor. Thank god Antonio could actually shave. Lovino never had anything to shave. He bit his lip as sobs wracked his body. He broke open the safety razor and pulled one out. He turned the shower on hot and stepped in.

The water scalded his skin as it soaked his clothes. Lovino didn't care. The steam rose around him. He leaned against the wall and slid down it, staring at nothing. He pulled up his sleeve to expose the skin. He knew what he needed to do.

* * *

Antonio frowned at his phone. He kept trying to call Lovino and he wasn't answering. He wanted to bring him home something special and wanted to see if he had any requests. He wasn't even sure what Lovino's favorite things were. He felt like such a terrible boyfriend. How could he not know something so basic? No worries. He'd just whip him up some lasagna and a chocolate mousse cake. He would be so happy. They were going to have a good night tonight. Antonio was planning it all out. He was going to have a movie night with Lovino. They could have Luca between them, or one of them could be holding him. Maybe he could convince Lovino not to hog the child tonight. A smile danced on his lips as he worked.

Finally everything was ready. He said goodbye to the staff and checked out with the managers before heading home. He couldn't wait to get back. All the stress of the morning had worn off just by getting away, by cooking and teaching. Just by doing what he loved he mellowed out. He flipped on the radio, even singing along to the songs. He was feeling so good. He hadn't felt this good in a long while. The last two weeks of staying at home had really gotten to him. He needed to get Lovino out of the house. If even just six hours could have rejuvenated him this much, just image what good it could be for Lovino!

He pulled into the driveway suddenly having a strange feeling. He wasn't sure why. He brushed it off thinking it was probably just knowing he was about to walk into a such stressful environment. He picked up the bags he'd put the food in and walked up to the door. He turned the key in the lock and opened it, stepping in to the dark house. He frowned. Lovino must be napping. He took the bags to the kitchen, set them on the table and went upstairs for a few minutes of cuddling with Lovi. Maybe he could take a little nap with him?

Halfway up the steps he heard Luca crying. His stomach sank when he realized he forgot to turn the baby monitor back on. Lovino might not have woken up to feed or change Luca. He took the stairs two at a time to get to the baby before Lovino woke up. He really did need the rest. The room smelled sour. Toni picked up the baby, gagging at the mess. He'd pooped and peed out of his diaper. The bed was a mess. He undressed Luca and changed him. He'd bathe Luca in a minute. He just needed to fix the bed too. He set Luca on the floor and went to changing the sheets. Luca was sucking on his hands as he fussed. Antonio frowned. Maybe he should just take Luca to Lovino first? The baby seemed to be starving.

He picked Luca up and started toward the bedroom when he heard the sound of the shower. That was odd…Lovino never showered if Antonio wasn't here. Hell he barely showered when he was and he had showered last night. He never left Luca unattended. Antonio set Luca down again and went back to the sheets and clothes. He picked Luca up, holding him in one arm and taking the soiled linens in the other. He started up the washer, bouncing Luca gently. He took Luca back upstairs and knocked on the door. Nothing. Antonio sighed and took Luca into their bedroom. He set Luca on the center of the bed and went to start the bath. He frowned when the hot water stayed cold. His mind wandered to the bathroom. The shower. His heart sank as he tried to push all the negative thoughts from climbing into his head.

He knocked on the door again. Nothing. He called, but still no answer. He tried the knob, breathing a sigh of relief when the door opened. He called for Lovino one more time only to be met with silence. No…He pulled the curtain back to find Lovino fully dressed, slumped against the wall, cuts coving his wrists and the two long gashes down his arms. Blood was leaking still, turning the water an ugly pink.

"No, no, no, no," Antonio panicked. He turned the water off and grabbed Lovino. He was so cold. "Lovino! Lovi!" Antonio slapped his cheeks, begging him to wake up. He leaned his head down, listening to his chest for something, anything. He let out a breath of relief when he heard his heart was still beating. It was racing and weak, but still there. And his chest moved. Still, Lovino wasn't responding. Antonio pulled out his cell phone calling 9-1-1.

"Middlesex County EMS. What's your emergency?"

"Please send an ambulance. My boyfriend's tried to kill himself. He's not waking up!" Antonio was fighting tears as he struggled to find something to use as a tourniquet.

"Is he breathing?"

"Yes."

Antonio went through the call, giving as much details as he could give, following instructions. They couldn't get there fast enough. He just wanted his Lovino to be okay. God, why had he left? Lovino had asked him to stay and he left. God, he was such an idiot! He just needed to get away and he didn't think about Lovino. He knew he needed help. He knew it was getting to be too much. He knew something was wrong. Why? He had to make it up to him. If he lived. The thought sent his blood cold. Still his mind never stopped as he watched Lovino slip away further and further while prayed to a god he wasn't sure he even believed in to give him another chance.

EMTs flooded the bathroom. It was all a blur. He was pushed from the room to watch helplessly as they tended to him. Vitals, medical jargon. He wasn't sure what any of it meant. Everything was slow motion. It was as though he was underwater. Every movement, every voice and sound were so far away, distorted. Only his thoughts were loud, almost screaming at him. It wasn't the first time his mind had taken over, but this was the only time he'd tried to stay in it. He watched helplessly as the Lovino's limp body was lifted from the floor to the stretcher. They put something on his legs just before they took him down the stairs, out the front door and into the ambulance.

"I'm sorry, you aren't able to ride with us. We're going to Saint Peter's." One EMT informed Antonio.

"Is he okay?" Antonio choked out.

"We are doing what we can. I'm sorry, I can't say much more. Family only."

He stumbled back as the doors were shut in his face. They drove away, fast. Lights and sirens blaring. Antonio fell to his knees in the grass. For a moment it didn't seem real. He felt like he could just wake up. Family only. He was all Lovino had! Lovino was all _he_ had. He struggled to his feet and made it to the car before speeding out of the driveway toward the hospital.

* * *

Antonio arrived and ran straight to the desk. He didn't care that there were other people in line. He needed to get to Lovino. He needed to see him. He needed to know that he was alright. He had to be okay. Please, be okay.

"Sir, you need to wait in line unless it's an emergency," the triage nurse stated firmly.

He could see the judgement in her eyes, in everyone's eyes. Everyone was staring at him. He hugged himself, tears pricking his eyes. They were all thinking about him. They knew. They _all_ knew. He had done this. This was all his fault. He'd done everything but pull the trigger. God, he just wanted to sleep. He needed his brain to shut off. He never felt normal anymore. Just racing or painful silence. Maybe something was wrong? When had it started? _No. Stop. Stop trying to find excuses! You did this! Nothing is wrong with you! You're a terrible person!_ He gripped his hair, wanting to scream. Make everything stop. He needed to see Lovi. He needed to hold him, apologize, tell him he'd make it up to him.

"Sir?" He glanced up. There was a gap between him and the desk. When had that happened?

"I'm looking for my boyfriend, Lovino, Lovino Vargas? He was brought here for a suicide attempt."

"Are the two of you married?" The tone of her voice was judging. He could feel it.

"No! I just fucking said I was his boyfriend. I'm sorry. Dios mio, I'm sorry!" _Why did he have to snap at her?_

"I'm sorry, sir. The only thing I can tell you is that he is here." She frowned.

"There has to be something more. I….I needed to know if he's okay. I need to see him!"

"I'm sorry. Only immediate family members are allowed to know details."

"Family? We have a child. A baby. Luca." He stopped, his head sinking to his stomach. He'd left Luca. Had he even closed the door? "Shit!" He rubbed his face and walked away toward the exit, ignoring everyone. How had he forgotten Luca? But he couldn't leave. He wouldn't leave.

"Salut!"

"I left Luca." Antonio didn't wait Francis to even answer.

"What?"

"Lovi's in the hospital. He tried to kill himself. I can't leave him. I can't!"

"Toni, slow down."

"I can't! I don't know anything! I did this. This is my fault. I left Luca. I forgot him. I don't even know if he's eaten. I need you to get him. Please? Watch him?"

"Yes, yes, anything. Do you need anything?"

"No. I just need you to get Luca. Take care of him. I can't leave. I can't…" Antonio unloaded his stomach in the bushes and leaned against the cold bricks as he sobbed.

"Shhh, I'm on my way over right now. Keep me posted."

"Don't judge me, Francis. Please."

"Never," Francis whispered.

"Thank you." Antonio choked out before hanging up, left to sobbing against the building. "Thank you…"

* * *

Antonio paced the waiting room impatiently as the phone rang. Each ring made his heart race faster. If he couldn't get a hold of Mr. Vargas…what would that mean for Lovino? They were doing everything they could to save him. What if they needed to do something drastic? Antonio didn't even know what they were doing right now. Nobody would tell him anything. He wasn't family. Not in the legal sense of the word. God, he didn't even know what Lovino would want. They'd never had this discussion before. It wasn't exactly something you really talked about was it? What did he even want?

"You've reached the Vargas family! Sorry we can't answer right now. Leave a message! Ciao!" Feliciano's voice sang over the line. Antonio cursed under his breath and leaned his forehead against the wall, hitting it with his fist.

"H-hi. Mr. Vargas? Please…if you're home…This is Antonio, Lovino's boyfriend. I really need to talk to you. It's important. It's…It's about Lovino. He…"

"¿Si? ¿Hola? ¿El está bien?" An accented voice asked.

"Mr. Vargas?"

"Si? En español, por favor."

"Okay," Antonio continued in Spanish. "Something bad happen. I don't know how he's doing. Nobody will tell me anything. He…he slit his wrists. He wouldn't wake up."

"What?" Antonio felt the punch to the gut Roma must have felt in that word.

"You need to come to the hospital. Please. I…I can't do anything for him and nobody will tell me anything." Antonio begged.

"Okay…okay…" Roma repeated. "Don't…Don't tell Feliciano. Please. He's so sick. I don't know if he could take it. They're so close. I…I can't lose him too." Roma whispered the last part. "I can't afford the bus right now. I know I don't have any right to ask you any favors…"

"I'll pick you up," Antonio jumped in.

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

Antonio hung up the phone, let the triage nurse at the desk know where he was going and to call him for anything. He knew they wouldn't. They couldn't. Not unless Lovino was dead. He got in his car and drove anxiously to the neighborhood. He didn't know what to expect. Would Roma be hostile toward him? His son was dying and who else was there to blame? He pulled up to the curb, about to pull out his phone when Roma appeared coming out the front door. He was dressed like he was ready to go do manual labor. Had Lovino ever told him what he'd done? He couldn't remember.

"Hola," Roma muttered as he got into the car. "Gracias."

"Hi. No problem," Antonio mumbled back in Spanish. "Lovino never told me you spoke Spanish."

"He doesn't know. Neither does Feliciano. I'm embarrassed. I'm fluent in Spanish but can barely stutter out English. After twenty one years. Annalisa, their mother, and I…we met in Spanish class. I never liked school. Never cared. Not like Lovi. I only paid attention in Spanish to impress her. She loved it. I have a lot of practice with Spanish. I don't really talk to anyone who prefers English." Roma's voice was low.

"He'll be okay, right?" Antonio whispered after a few minutes of silence.

"I don't know. I'm not…I'm not smart. I don't…I don't know things like that. I always ask Lovino about that kind of thing." Roma brushed away a few tears. "I lied to Feli. I told him…I told him I was going to work. I left him alone. He's so sick…And now Lovino." He shook his head. "Those boys were the best thing I've done in my life."

"You're just trying to protect him," Antonio replied.

"Right. You know what it's like, no? Being a father."

"Yeah," Antonio whispered. He wasn't sure he did. Really what kind of father had he been? But then again…Roma wasn't really father of the year himself.

"Why?" Roma asked.

"Sorry?"

"Why did he do it?'

"He…" Antonio swallowed. "He hasn't been the same since he gave birth."

"Gave birth?" Roma looked at him with wide eyes. "No…" He motioned cutting at his abdomen. Antonio shook his head.

"He said…he said he promised you or something. And he read a lot of books. You know how he is. They said it was better for the baby to be born like that. Gets the fluid out of their lungs. I begged him. He got so angry. He didn't want anyone telling him what to do about that. He just was so adamant. I think…I think it traumatized him. He just…he doesn't believe it happened. His thoughts aren't his. I don't…I barely recognize him." Antonio trembled.

"And what did you do?" Roma stared at him. No judgement on his face.

"Nothing," Antonio whispered. "I could have maybe. He…he asked me for help, but then he wouldn't let me help. I don't know. I…I don't know."

Roma nodded and sat back. Neither said a word until they got to the hospital. Roma walked up to the desk with the nurse and uttered only two words. "Lovino Vargas?"

"Are you a family member?" She asked.

"Si…yes." Antonio watched the man close his eyes as though he'd been struck. "I…me…Lovino's dad. Roma Vargas."

"Okay, I'll let the team know you're here. Someone involved in the care will come speak to you in just a moment. Please have a seat."

Roma looked to Antonio. He didn't even have to ask. He knew he hadn't understood. Antonio motioned to him and led him to some seats on the far side of the lobby. He watched the man wring his hands in worry. Lovino had told him they'd been close, but wasn't this the man who had said such horrible things to Lovino? Didn't he not want anything to do with him? But maybe it was different now? Antonio knew all too well people said things they didn't mean in anger. It was so difficult to pick up the pieces.

"What did she say?" he asked fearfully.

"Just that we should sit down and wait for someone to come talk to us."

Roma nodded, letting it sink in. He seemed so gentle. Lovino looked a lot like him. This man wasn't harsh. He had not said a negative thing to Antonio this entire time. God knows he couldn't have. He didn't even look angry. Just scared…terrified. Antonio leaned back and wondered what it was like for Roma. He couldn't even understand what was going on. Antonio couldn't even remember what that had been like. He was so young and it wasn't like Spanish was uncommonly spoken here. And he had moved with a pretty good working knowledge of language. It had been hard at first, but look at him now. Roma though. Lovino had said they moved here when they were sixteen. Alone and afraid with a baby on the way. He couldn't imagine. Right as Antonio was about to ask him about it, a man in green scrubs walked over to them.

"Mr. Vargas?"

"Yes?" Roma jumped up. "Is Lovino okay?"

"I'm Dr. Ramirez. Come with me, please."

Roma looked fearfully at Antonio who took his hand. He didn't know what else to do. He wanted to comfort him. He couldn't imagine something happening to Luca. The man led them to a private room and had them sit. There were two couches. A few paintings hung on the walls. There was a water container in the corner of the room. The doctor offered them two cups before sitting down across from them.

"He was in pretty bad shape when he got here. He'd lost a lot of blood. He was going into shock when he got here. We did give him some emergency blood and fluids. We were able to stop the bleeding. He had hit an artery, just barely. We stitched him up. We did have to end up intubating him which means he had a tube in his windpipe breathing for him. We have him in the ICU for the time being. We are giving another transfusion now. You can see him if you like."

Antonio went to stand up, but Roma caught his hand. His eyes were teary. He was terrified. He hadn't understood. He probably was thinking the worst. Lovino was not in good shape it sounded like, but he was going to pull through. Antonio sat back down and offered a smile through his tears.

"He's okay right now. He lost a lot of blood, but they were able to stop it and stitch him up. They gave him blood and fluids and he's getting more blood right now. They have a breathing tube in him for right now." Antonio gently told him in Spanish.

"Oh…" Roma took a few breathes staring at his shoes.

"We can go see him."

"Yes, I want to see him."

They were directed to the intensive care unit and shown to his room. Antonio opened the door to go in, but Roma paused, hanging back. He looked so anxious. Tears pricked his eyes. This was not the man he had imagined. He kept thinking that. This wasn't a man who didn't care about his son. This was someone who loved Lovino very much. So much was conflicting. He had once hated this man just as Lovino had, but he couldn't bring him to hate him. Everyone has said or done things in anger they wish they hadn't. Of course he didn't understand how anyone could do what he did, but he wasn't about to judge him. Not now. Maybe not ever.

But part of him knew he had contributed to Lovino's depression and suicide. What if Lovino had had the support of his father and brother? He would have told Antonio sooner. Lovino had told him so. Antonio couldn't help but imagine Lovino sitting on the couch in the tiny house chugging out essays with an enlarged belly, staying in school. Not ever abandoning himself. He pictured him even sitting next to him at the apartment he'd shared with Matthew. He thought of what it would have been like to watch Lovino transform into the father he became. Everything would have been different if Lovino had had support. But Roma's anger had kept him from telling him and then his anger, his telling him to get an abortion that had been the nail in Lovino's coffin. All he had was Feliciano. He didn't even tell Matthew or Alfred. He knew how close they had been. Lovino had nobody but a sixteen year old with cancer to support him. God, he was such as asshole.

He took Roma's hand and led him into the room. They both needed to see what they'd done to the person they loved more than anything. It was a silent agreement. They both knew what the other was thinking. That was the reason this man wasn't angry with him, that he was sure.

Lovino was laying in the bed with what seemed like a million things connected to him. Antonio couldn't breathe. He was connected to a cardiac monitor and a pulse oximeter. The monitor wasn't making the typical beeping sound, but Antonio could see it. He had an IV in one hand connected to fluids and another in this elbow, dark blood trickling down into his body. He had a tube coming from his mouth and with each gust of air, his chest was pumped up. Antonio couldn't get closer.

He watched Roma run past him to his son's side and take his hand. Both forearms were covered in white gauze dressing. The man sobbed into the bed, whispering in Italian. Antonio caught only some of what was said. He couldn't be here. He couldn't bear to see Lovino like this, lying in bed being kept alive by machines. He couldn't. But he couldn't leave. He was planted where he stood, unable to move, unable to look away. Tears filled his eyes and slipped down his cheeks. He tentatively made his way to the man, collapsing in the chair next to him. For so long they sat there, holding his hand, crying. Roma whispering and kissing his forehead so many times it reminded Antonio of Mass.

"This isn't right," Roma stated, his eyes still glued to Lovino. "I've never seen him sleep on his back. Ever. I just…Even as a baby he refused. This isn't right. He's not comfortable. I need to help him be comfortable. I need…" his body wracked with sobs.

"Shhh, it's okay," Antonio reached across Lovino and took Roma's hand. "He's where he needs to be right now."

"But he can't sleep on his back!"

"I know. I know, but they know what they're doing. Once he wakes up, it'll be different. He'll be able to sleep how he wants. But for now…" Antonio didn't know how he could stay so calm, but he needed to be. He knew that much.

"Do you love him?" Roma asked after a moment.

"Yes. Very much."

"Promise me you'll take care of him. Promise me. He's stubborn. You have to make him do it and I know how hard it is, but Antonio, I need to know my baby is going to be looked after. I don't, I don't get it, gays. I just…I know I love him. I reacted so poorly. I just felt so betrayed. I felt like…but it's not about me."

"I promise," Antonio whispered.

"You must think I'm a horrible father, and you're right to think that but I don't think I am. I love him. I love him so much. From the second he looked at me, I was in love. I…I've seen him be sick. He was so sick as a kid. He had this thing that caused him to not be able to be still. He couldn't control it. I remember yelling at him to stop one day and just seeing him cry because he couldn't' help it and I was so mad because why wouldn't he stop? This is what being gay is like?" He stared at Antonio with big brown eyes.

"No. No, it's not." Antonio sat back. "It's not an illness, Mr. Vargas. It's love. It's just as pure and simple as any. People complicate it with their misinformed out of context bible verses, but I can assure you the only thing that's similar is he can't stop. It's like being straight. Only not. It's just knowing you love someone. I'm bisexual myself and I don't think any love is different. It's just love. Some is greater. Some love is so intense it overwhelms you, but no. It's not like being sick."

"I asked him. I asked him once when he was a teenager. There was a rumor. I was livid. Because how could they be my son? My son who was so obedient? Who did everything I ever asked of him? My son who read his bible constantly. My son who went to church for comfort. I asked him and he lied to me. He told me he wasn't. And when he was…I felt betrayed. Lied to."

"Perhaps he knew how you'd react. He loved you. So much. He talked about you all the time. Maybe he didn't even know at the time? He may have been in denial because when I met him he'd never even uttered the words. He'd never been kissed. I think it's unfair to be angry with him. He never did a thing." Antonio was trembling. He couldn't deal with this.

"I expect too much of him," Roma whispered. "He was seven. Seven or eight. And I left him alone with Feliciano. I put so much on him. Take care of your brother. Do your homework. Walk your brother to church or school. Why are you always getting into fights? You know…he was admitted to Princeton?"

"What?"

"He never told me. But I found it. I asked Feliciano to read it to me. He got a scholarship for Princeton too. It was so much money. But it wasn't enough. I looked into it. Maybe a class. It was his dream school. Since he was little. I remember telling him one day he can't go. I told him I needed him to help with Feliciano. I worry about him. And the look on his face…it broke my heart. I didn't think we could afford it. But he handed me the letter. Told me he had a full scholarship. Rutgers. He told me, he told me 'Papa, I've never asked you for anything else, but please let me go.' And I did. He is perfect. I…I couldn't have asked for a better son. He's my favorite. I know, I know that's horrible to say. That you shouldn't have favorites with your kids, but I do. I do everything for him. Feli…I love him, but with Lovi, it's different."

Roma stood up and kissed Lovino's forehead once more, lingering there for a moment. Antonio watched him hug the man, whispering in Italian. He stood there, brushing his hair back, a tearful smile on his face. He turned his attention to Antonio.

"I'm putting you on his list. Please, tell me if he's okay." Roma took one more lingering look at his son and started to walk away.

"Wait!" Antonio stood up. "Where are you going?"

"He doesn't want me here. We both know that. I love him. I do. But I messed up."

"No, no, you should stay. I know you think he hates you, but he asks for you." Antonio felt fresh tears pricking in his eyes. "Just apologize."

"I tried." Roma turned around. "You don't get unlimited chances, Antonio. Be a good father. Don't speak in anger." Roma took a deep breath. "We tried to make up, but I told him…I told him a baby couldn't live with us. I tried to tell him why, but he didn't want to listen. We have mold in the house that could be why Feli got sick. He told me I was dead to him, so I'm going to let him."

"No, sir, you can't." Antonio took a step toward him.

"I can. I love him. I don't want to upset him anymore than I already have. Please take care of him." Roma turned around.

"We have a son. Did he tell you that? A little boy. His name is Luca. He's tiny and cute and he cries so much. I am sure he has colic, but when he looks at you, it melts your heart. Look. Please. I think you deserve to at least see him." Antonio cleared the space and handed him his phone. It was a picture of Lovino holding Luca right after he'd been born. Lovino was covered in sweat. He looked exhausted. His hair stuck to his face. Tears of pain were rolling down his face, but all you could see in his eyes was love. Pure love. He watched the man's reaction. His hand went to his face as tears appeared in his eyes. "You have to stay."

"I can't," Roma whispered. "Take care of them."

Antonio was left standing alone.

* * *

_**I hoped you liked it. Please review. Those things keep me sane tbh.**_


	33. Chapter 33

_**Wow look at me! Two weeks! I'm on a roll. lol. Nah. So I'm trying to wrap this fic up as best as I can. We're getting close! I'm not sure how soon or if I'll continue with the 2 sequels I have planned. It seems like the fandom's kind of dying and it's hard for me to write without motivation lately. But I am writing a Francis centric fic if you'd like to read it. Closer. It's going to focus on him working through his issues if anyone is interested? Sorry! **_

**_here you are my lovlies_**

* * *

Lovino blinked his eyes open, pain flooded his senses. Dull throbbing and stinging radiated from his arms. His chest was full and aching. His throat was scratchy and sore. Tears filled his eyes. Antonio was sitting next to his bed, holding his hand. No. Lovino felt his heart sink. No, no, no. That was all he couldn't think. He couldn't move. He closed his eyes not wanting to let Antonio know he was awake. This wasn't fair. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be with his mother. He wasn't supposed to be here. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He couldn't do it right. Of course he couldn't. His body started to shake with sobs.

"Lovi!" Antonio threw himself on him with a hug. "It's okay. It's okay. You're okay. Dios mio. Lo siento."

Lovino couldn't think of anything but the fact that he was here, in a hospital bed. Alive. On Earth. Maybe this was hell? Maybe this is what it meant to die. Waking up in the place you really don't want to be. Hate. Pain. Fear. Everything was overwhelming. He had known what he was doing. He deserved to be dead. Nobody cared for him. Nobody. Nobody, except Luca. But Luca didn't know better. He was a baby. All he knew how to do was love. But in time, in time he'd see that his papa was nothing. Nothing. He didn't think it was possible to feel more hopeless, but he had been wrong.

"Are you okay? How are you feeling? Are you in pain? Do you need something?" Antonio's questions echoed in his ears. "I am so sorry. I love you. You scared me so much. I thought…"

"Luca…" Lovino didn't care about anything else. Even still, Luca was what cut through it all.

"He's okay. Francis is watching him."

"I want him. I want Luca." Lovino stared at Antonio through his tears. If he could just have Luca…but he had tried to hurt him.

"I'll have Francis bring him." Antonio promised, brushing away tears. "Are you okay?"

"Leave me alone," Lovino whispered, pushing Antonio away, and turning away from him, curling into himself. He squeezed the blanket and sobbed.

"Lovi…"

"Please." Lovino begged.

"I'm going to get the nurse."

"No." Lovino sat up. "Please, no."

"They've been waiting for you. You've been out for an entire day. Even when they extubated you, you barely woke up." Antonio started.

Lovino stared at him. His eyes were red, swollen. He'd been crying. He hadn't slept. His body looked so stiff. He must have been sitting here, keeping watch. The look in his eyes were familiar. Lovino hadn't seen it in months. Soft, glistening. It was the way he used to look at him. Before everything. Something about it made Lovino nauseous. He didn't want to deal with this. Antonio hadn't even changed out of his chef uniform. Or maybe he'd just gone to work. Run away like he always did.

"I don't fucking care," Lovino whispered, curling back up. He wanted relief. He lifted his eyes to Antonio. "Do…do you have the pump?" he whispered. Pumping, emptying himself of the milk begging to be released was the only way he could get some relief from the pain. If he was going to survive, he might as well take care of his baby.

"No…sorry. I can have Francis bring it." Antonio was already on his phone. "I'm actually so glad you can think of Luca right now. I was so worried. See I knew I should have insisted more on telling your doctor and bringing you in."

"You don't get it." Lovino narrowed his eyes.

"What?"

"I _can't_ forget Luca. How can I? He's my baby. I grew him. I felt him. I love him. He's always on my mind. I can never forget him. He's part of me. How can you?" Lovino brushed tears from his face. Antonio flinched slightly at the last sentence. "Did you really forget him?"

"No." Antonio's eyes shifted slightly.

"Shit…" Lovino covered his face. What had he been thinking leaving Luca with this man?

"He's okay," Antonio sat down next to him on the bed. He tried to take his hand. Lovino pulled away instinctively. "Lovi…"

"I want to be left alone…" Lovino felt new hot tears pouring from his eyes.

A soft knock at the door and a man dressed in slacks, a button down with a tie walk in. He gave an apologetic smile as he closed the door. Lovino stared at him. His stomach was turning. He knew him. Dr. Patel. The doctor whom he'd worked for and shadowed the past two years…before he transferred anyway.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Vargas." His voice was quiet, formal. Lovino knew he was trying to put their previous relationship aside. "How are you feeling?"

Lovino shrugged, averting his eyes. He wanted to be alone. He needed to be. He couldn't deal with Antonio or Dr. Patel. If he could just be alone…

"Mr. Vargas, I've been assigned to your case. May I make a quick look?"

Lovino hesitantly nodded. Dr. Patel shouldn't be on the case. Lovino knew that much. It wasn't ethical. They were too acquainted. He knew more about Lovino than he should. Dr. Patel would know he'd lied about the reason he'd moved jobs. He knew he had a baby. He knew about his anxiety and depression. He knew he was fucked. He was probably thinking how wrong it was that he had ever considered giving him a recommendation for medical school.

"Did you already take your MCAT?" the man asked as he listened to Lovino's heart.

"Um…yes, sir…" Lovino whispered.

"Blow it out of the water?"

"Yes, sir."

"So what school did you pick?" Dr. Patel asked as he pulled on gloves.

"I…um…didn't." Lovino admitted, wincing from both the question and the pain coming from his arm as the physician unwrapped the bandages.

"What's that now?" Dr. Patel's eyebrows furrowed.

"I…I had a baby," Lovino started shaking.

"Yes, I did see that in the charts. You seemed so set on medical school."

"I was," Lovino whispered.

"And now?"

"I…I…I'd like to, but I have a baby."

"Did you know a quarter of my class had children and still did well in medical school? If you want to do it, you can. Having a baby doesn't mean you can't do what you want to do."

Lovino was trembling, new tears again falling down his cheeks. Why was he asking him these questions? Why was he trying to get him to focus on something irrelevant? Lovino knew the tricks. Dr. Patel had taught that to him. If you sense the person is anxious, talk to them. Distract them. Calm them with things they like.

"Tell me about your baby. Boy or girl?"

"Boy. Luca Antonio Fernandez-Vargas." Lovino felt his anxiety drop at the name.

"How old is he?"

"Uh…eight weeks."

"Still so new."

"Yes, sir."

"Does he sleep much?"

"No," Lovino shook his head. "He never sleeps."

"Do you sleep?" Dr. Patel sat back, his dark eyes staring into him.

"Not much…" Lovino pulled his knees to his chest.

"Do you have any support people in your life that can help you with that? It's very important that you sleep." Dr. Patel frowned.

Lovino's eyes flicked to Antonio. He was just standing there with a strange expression on his face. He looked hungry. He looked nervous. Lovino realized he was worried that Lovino would tell. For a moment Lovino wanted to. He wanted to talk about how alone he felt. How much he missed his dad. How much he begged Antonio to help, but he never did.

"My boyfriend." Lovino lied, his eyes snapping back to Dr. Patel.

"Lovino," Dr. Patel said firmly, taking his hand, "Did you intend to harm yourself?

Lovino's heart stopped. He couldn't breathe. His head started spinning. Suddenly he was painfully aware of both men staring at him. He could feel their eyes hot on his skin. The blankets were rough on his skin and he swore he could feel the stitches in his arms. He stared down at the blanket, studying the pattern of the stitching. Small swirls. The fabric was stitched in wide stitches, almost like knitting but with cotton rather than yarn. Tears were hot in his eyes, holding, holding, racing down his cheeks.

"Lovino, it's okay to tell me." The doctor's voice was soft, soothing. No hint of judgement in his voice, but Lovino could swear it was there.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Lovino nodded his head. "Yes." He heard Antonio gasp.

"Do you want to tell me why?"

The man shifted. He didn't want to say it out loud. He knew it already. He was a horrible person. He shouldn't have a child. He shouldn't even be alive. He didn't deserve it. He had tried to hurt Luca. Was it even Luca? His mind was so jumbled. He knew enough to know he wasn't going to get away with not saying it.

"I don't deserve to live," he whispered. He lifted his eyes carefully. "I miss my mom. I want her."

"Why do you think you don't deserve to live?" Dr. Patel asked gently.

"I…He doesn't stop crying!" Lovino felt the flood gates open. "He cries and cries and cries. I can't make him happy. I'm his mother and I can't make him happy! I don't even want to be a mother, but I've decided that's the only word that makes sense. And I'm exhausted. So exhausted! I can't sleep. I haven't slept since before he was born. It was so uncomfortable and it hurt when he kicked and he kicked a lot. And I'm so tired, it hurts. And he won't help me." Lovino flicked his eyes toward Antonio who flinched. "I ask. I beg. Nothing. And he took him. He took Luca. I think. I know. And…and…and," Lovino's body wracked with sobs. "I thought…I thought maybe, maybe if we took a nice, hot bath, we could sleep. We could sleep forever. Luca and I. But I didn't. I didn't hurt him. I thought about it. I almost…but… Who does that? Luca…my baby, Luca…I love him more than anything else in the world. My Luca doesn't cry like that. He…He had to have taken him." Tears were streaming down Lovino's face.

"You think your boyfriend took the baby?" Dr. Patel was patient. Lovino nodded. "And why would he do that?"

"To…to punish me."

"Why would he want to punish you?"

"I don't know…" Lovino hugged himself. "I don't want to be alive. I don't want anyone to help me next time. Please…just let me go."

"Lovi," Antonio kneeled next to him. "Don't talk like that. I love you. I love Luca."

"If you love me, if you really love me you'd let me die. You'd let me stop hurting."

Lovino couldn't take in anymore. He felt the panic attack taking over. Dr. Patel called for the nurse. She rushed in and gave him something. Then everything went black.

* * *

Lovino played with Luca's tiny hands as the child nursed. He wanted to moan at how good it felt to be emptied. He had been so engorged. But Luca was here. He was happy and he was nursing. Nobody else existed. Just him and Luca. His baby Luca. He was sure this was the right Luca. He had smiled so much when he too him from Francis. Cooed gently. He finally had him again, after all this time. He had his Luca. Something like relief washed over him. He kissed Luca's hand. He closed his eyes and breathed him in. The perfect smell of Luca. It was so distinct. The scent in his nose made his heart swell. Luca smelled so, so good. It wasn't superficial scents like baby wash or powder. No. It was Luca's real scent. The pheromones that connected mother and baby. He closed his eyes and just smelled him. It was calming. He had his baby.

Luca unlatched from the breast. Lovino picked him up and burped his softly. He giggled softly as Luca tried to latch to his neck. He softly murmured to the infant, letting him know there wasn't food there. Luca pulled his head up to stare into Lovino's face. His heart burst. God, he loved this tiny creature.

"Hi," he cooed, kissing him gingerly.

Luca smiled at him in return and let out a squeal. God, how could he ever leave him? How could hurt him? How could even think to hurt him. This baby didn't even care! Lovino took a deep breath through the pain piling inside him. He switched Luca to the opposite breast ready to finally be fully emptied. Luca eagerly continued eating. Lovino wanted to hold him forever.

Postpartum psychosis.

The diagnosis echoed in his head. Postpartum depression that was made even worse. Delusions. Hallucinations. Lovino didn't understand. He wasn't deluded or hallucinating. He knew what happened. Honestly he didn't care if anyone believed him. What mattered was he has his real Luca back. He was so grateful to Francis. He'd found him! He'd brought his baby back.

He glanced up, instantly regretting it. Antonio and Francis were in off to the side by the door talking in hushed voices. Lovino could swear he heard them speaking Spanish. He didn't know why they would be. He wasn't even sure Francis knew the language. They kept glancing at him. Antonio was crying. Why? What reason did he have to be upset? Lovino sent a glare his direction. Fuck him. Fuck Antonio. If it wasn't for him, he'd be with his mom. If it wasn't for him, maybe he'd never had this pain to begin with.

123

Antonio let out a sigh as he watched Lovino with Luca. He was smiling, talking to the infant. He looked okay. He didn't look like he'd just had a nearly successful suicide attempt. He didn't look like a person who was wanting to do it again. Antonio didn't like that there was an aid in the room flipping through his book. Lovino wasn't allowed to be alone. He'd lost his right to privacy apparently. It killed Antonio.

"I'm sure everything will be okay. They're going to take care of him," Francis rubbed his arm.

"He has to be in the hospital a while. A long while." Antonio shook his head. "He wants to be with Luca. That's all he's ever wanted."

"But that's also the source of the pain," Francis reminded him gently. "He needs to heal or it's going to be no good to anyone."

"What if I'm not good at it? What if I'm a shitty father, Francis? All this time I've been thinking it's just Lovino not letting try. But what if I'm a failure?" Antonio tapped his side. "Will you come smoke with me? I'm too anxious."

"Okay," Francis frowned. He glanced at Lovino. "But should we leave him with Luca?"

"Look at him. He's so happy. I think we're okay."

Francis frowned, hesitant. "Maybe I could stay?"

"I need you. I need my best friend, okay?" Antonio felt new tears forming in his eyes.

Francis knit his eyes browns and nodded, pulling Antonio behind him out of the room. Lovino didn't even look up. Nurses glanced at them as they walked down the hall. Antonio knew what they were thinking. They probably agreed with Francis' first intuition. But they didn't understand that he could only be strong for Lovino if he had a moment. And he was damned if he was going to take Luca away from Lovino. That child was the only source of light in this situation.

He replayed the scene in his head. Lovino on his side curled up, his back to him in the bed crying. He wouldn't speak. He would slap Antonio's hands away. Antonio never wanted to see Lovino get Ativan like that again. He didn't know what to do. Just hopelessly watch Lovino suffer. He even started to feel guilty for calling the ambulance, for asking them to save him. It had been selfish. He felt that now. Lovino was so broken. But Francis had come in. He hadn't said a word to Antonio. He hadn't even realized it was Francis and not a nurse. He didn't turn his attention away from his phone. Lovino had sat up, calling for Luca.

Francis had walked past Antonio with the child who was reaching for Lovino. It was the first time Lovino had smiled in so long. A real smile. Tears fell from his eyes. Luca cooed and squealed. Lovino had kissed him and cuddled him. Antonio was so blown away. There was a bond there that he could only dream of sharing. He knew it was special. He knew he could never have that with anyone. Lovino had known he was there before he even saw him. Lovino actually looked whole again holding the baby. Antonio had never seen Lovino put Luca to breast so easily in the child's life.

Francis stopped once they were on the sidewalk opposite the hospital. Antonio sat down on the bench and pulled out his pack and lighter. Francis watched him silently. He waited for him to do the same, for them to both be smoking, relieving the stress of the situation. Or to even just smoke together like they used to. Antonio took a long drag, closing his eyes as the nicotine hit him. He held his hand out to offer to Francis who shook his head.

"Arthur thinks we should quit," he explained softly.

"But…But you like it," Antonio narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah. I do. But…Arthur wants to quit, so I told him I'd do it with him. It's hard."

"I wouldn't know," Antonio rolled his eyes. "What's with you and this guy anyway?"

"What do you mean?" Francis frowned.

"I feel like you're changing for him." Antonio blew smoke. He noticed Francis taking an extra deep breath.

"No, we are changing together. And it's not on purpose. We just…are?" He shrugged. "You know maybe it wouldn't be so bad for you to give it a shot?"

"Shut up…" Antonio muttered.

"I'm just saying…"

"You don't know anything about the relationship I have with him!" Antonio snapped. Francis blinked, his mouth opening and closing. "You don't. You don't know how much I love him or how guilty he makes me feel! He's perfect! And I'm just…" He shook his head. "I don't know him."

"You can't change that," Francis said softly.

"You know…I just…I get urges. I…I just wanted him so badly. And the more he pushed the more I wanted him." He shakes his head. "He never talked to me. Not really. He talks to Matthew and his brother and Alfred. By the way, why would anyone talk to Alfred? The guy's clueless."

"He's not," Francis mumbled.

"What?"

"He's not clueless. You just…Toni you want to have superficial relationships. You're scared of people telling you the truth." Francis sighed.

"What?"

"How many times have you dumped me because I told you the truth? Emma? How many times have you blown up at Gilbert? You don't want people telling you when you're wrong."

"Nobody does," Antonio glared.

"But you have serious issues with it. And I think it's because you know what's wrong and you want to ignore it. Maybe that's why you feel so guilty." Francis scooted closer to Antonio, eyeing the cigarette in his hand.

"You fucking cheated on me, so don't." Antonio rolled his eyes.

"No. No, I realized that I was starting to fall for someone else and I needed to go before I hurt you. And I'm happy. I thought you would be too. You have your Lovi."

"I can't stand you sometimes."

Antonio and Francis were silent. Antonio watched the cars drive by. People passing through. He wondered where they were going. Did they have to deal with so much hurt? So much guilt? What were they doing? Where were they going? He wished he could be in a car with one of them. He wished he could escape.

"Give me that," Francis muttered, taking the cigarette and inhaling.

"I thought you were quitting with your boyfriend," Antonio smirked.

"I am." Francis smiled as he exhaled. "I'm weak. Addiction's a bitch. I'll start over in ten minutes."

"Hey Francis?" Antonio asked after a moment.

"Hm?"

"I think…I think I want to start over too." Antonio whispered. "Hey Francis what do you think about...?"

* * *

Lovino stared at Luca while the nurse discharged him. Two days in ICU, a day on the floor and now he was getting discharged only to be readmitted into a behavioral hospital. He didn't want to let Luca go. He didn't want to be away from him. Mandatory seventy-two hours or until he wasn't suicidal. He couldn't deal with that. He needed to be with Luca. He regretted everything and nothing at the same time. The child was oblivious to the situation. He just nursed hungrily, holding Lovino's breast gently. This little boy, this infant was the best thing Lovino ever did. He was certain of that. And yet because of so called postpartum psychosis, he was being separated from him. Tears stung in Lovino's eyes.

"Do you have any questions?" The nurse smiled.

"Can't I stay? I promise I won't do it again." He whispered.

"I'm sorry…" She gave him an apologetic look. "This is very serious and we need to make sure you and your baby are safe, okay?"

He nodded. He hated her. Hated everything. She left the papers next to him on the bed and told him he was able to finish breastfeeding. Lovino glared at the floor. As if he needed permission to feed his baby. Fuck her. What did she know about him? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. No.

Antonio and his mother sat to the side, the car seat next to Antonio. They were speaking softly in hushed voices. Lovino didn't know why. It's like he couldn't understand. They were probably talking about him. He desperately hoped they were planning a way to take him away with Luca and keep him from ever leaving the baby's side. Luca needed him. Nobody else knew what Luca's cries meant. Only Lovino knew. There were different cries. Hungry, wet, cold, dirty, wanting attention, pain. What if they didn't know what Luca wanted? They didn't know his schedule. They didn't know how he hated tummy time, so you had to play with him to distract him. They didn't know that he liked the green rattle the best or that his favorite song was Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. They didn't know that if you sang "You Are My Sunshine" that Luca would be silent and watch. They didn't know Luca.

Inevitably, the time came that Lovino had to part with Luca. Tears fell down his cheeks as he hugged the child, kissing his cheeks and telling him how much loved him. Antonio had to practically pry the infant from him. Lovino watched tearfully as Antonio put him in the car seat and hugged his mother. The woman made her way over to the man and hugged.

"Your baby will be safe, Lovino. Don't worry. Get well. We all love you so much." She pressed her lips to his cheek and gave him a teary smile.

"I need to say bye to him," Lovino rushed to the baby, kneeling on the floor. "I love you. I love you. I love you!" He sobbed over and over. "_Tu sei un dono del cielo. Sei tutto per me. Senza di te non posso più vivere. Sei il grande amore della mia vita. Senza di te la vita non ha più senso._"

Lovino stood up, letting Antonio hold him. Lovino couldn't help but start giving them both instructions on how to take care of him. They needed to know all his favorite things. How to make his tummy stop hurting. How to hold him. How to sleep with him. Everything. Nobody knew anything about Luca but him. Luca was _his_ baby. Rosella promised him she'd take perfect care of him. Lovino let Antonio lead him to the car, his eyes never leaving his son.

* * *

Antonio pulled up to the large building. He had insisted on getting Lovino dinner before they got to the hospital. They had been given an hour to arrive or police would be sent. The law was so ridiculous. Lovino had to choke down the food. Antonio just wouldn't take he had no appetite for an answer. He didn't want to be without Luca. He didn't want to go. But he had to. He stared at the facility. Large, lit up beige. There were trees and flowers to give the illusion of invitation. Lovino already knew this was hell.

Antonio opened his door, holding a hand out to him. Lovino took it. He wished he could have seen his brother or Matthew before he had to leave. But they had been strict. Antonio had been adamant about not calling Feliciano. "He's sick!" was the excuse. Lovino didn't see what it mattered. Feliciano could have helped. He was sure of it. He wiped tears off his face angrily. He hated that he was crying. He hated that he was going so willingly.

They entered through the large sliding doors. The floors sparkled, reflecting the lights back into the room to give it a nice glow. There were a set of vending machines with a television above them on the wall. Black arm chairs circled toward it. Fake plants accenting the lobby. Antonio walked them toward the receptionist who had a bored expression on her face. Antonio filled out the paperwork. Antonio did the talking. Lovino was so thankful. He didn't want to talk.

They were buzzed in through a set of metal double doors. A tech met them, instructing them to take certain items and clothing off. Things that they deemed dangerous. He watched with dead eyes while the man searched through every article of clothing in the duffle bag Antonio had brought. Everything seemed to pass inspection. He hated that, them touching his things.

They were buzzed into the next set of doors and the tech led them to a bedroom. Lovino said a silent prayer thanking God, Jesus and Mary herself that he didn't have to have a roommate. He wouldn't have been able to stand it. Policies and procedures were gone over. Lovino was helped to settle in. There was a schedule. The thought brought tears to his eyes. He'd have to be awake at seven in the morning. Breakfast was at seven-thirty. Then med pass. Then there was group therapy and individual therapy. Leisure time then more forced socializing. He hated it. He wanted to scream, to walk out. Instead he just sat there nodding and listening. He didn't have a choice. This was his life now. He was glad to hear that he was going to be allowed to pump as promised at the other hospital. Still, everything felt so strange, tense.

"You've got another thirty minutes of visitation if the two of you would like it. It's going to be in the activity room though." The tech said directing them to the location.

Antonio thanked the man and led Lovino by the hand to the room. Lovino didn't want to talk. He sat there while Antonio fidgeted. There were several groups sitting at tables around the room. Some people looked happy, others were apathetic. He could see every sort of emotion in the room. He didn't want to get to know these people. He didn't care about their stories. He just needed to make it his three days and he could leave. Good behavior. That's how this worked right? _Unless the psychiatrist thinks I need to be here longer._ Lovino brushed the thought away.

"Lovino, we need to talk." Antonio sighed, taking his hand.

"What?" Lovino muttered.

"I've been thinking a lot about this relationship." Lovino sighed and pulled his hand away, crossing his arms and leaning back. This again. The sex talk. What part of pushing a human out of you puts you off of sex did he not get? "I feel like the way we started, it was so fast. We didn't have time to talk. We went zero to one hundred immediately." Wait…this was different. "I realize we never really had a normal progression. We got drunk and had sex and it was amazing. But we founded this relationship on lust and infatuation. And I really don't think that's healthy. Francis helped me realize it. I realized I don't know much about you. I know superficial things, but Lovino…"

"Why are you calling me Lovino?" he asked his heart racing, tears pricking in his eyes.

"That's your name. Just, please, listen." Antonio leaned forward. "This isn't healthy, Lovino. Us. We're not healthy. Do you even know my full name? Do you know my favorite ice cream? Lovino, three days ago I realized I didn't even know your favorite food or what your dad did for a living. I don't think this is an appropriate environment to raise a child in."

"What are you saying?" Lovino felt himself start to shake. Why was he talking like this?

"I love you, but I don't think it's really love, love? I…I don't think we have a foundation. We were into sex and now we don't."

"Tonio," Lovino reached for his hands. Antonio pulled away.

"I think we should break up."

Those words. Lovino couldn't breathe. He couldn't hear a sound. No. What was doing? Leaving him in here and taking Luca? Leaving him with Luca? He couldn't do it alone. Who would want him? Nobody. He couldn't be alone. Antonio was all he fucking had. Panic started to creep up as tears poured down his cheeks. His chest ached. He felt sick.

"No." Lovino shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Lovino," Antonio said gently, standing up.

"Fuck you! Don't leave! Get your ass back here! Antonio! Antonio!" Lovino shouted. He couldn't stand. He couldn't move. He watched him walk away. He crumpled into a mess, sobbing into his arms on the table. This wasn't real. This wasn't real. He couldn't. No. He wasn't going to leave him now. Not ever. What was he going to do? What about Luca? Oh god, Luca.

"Excuse me?" Lovino lifted his head at the sound of the familiar voice. Antonio was standing in front of him with a sheepish smile on his face. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but noticing you. I'm Antonio, Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo." He held his hand out.

"Toni, what the fuck?" Lovino whispered.

"Did it hurt?"

Lovino glanced down at his arms. "Um…I…I don't remember."

"No, when you fell from heaven. Because you must be an angel." Antonio grinned.

"What?" Lovino stared at him.

"Are you from Tennessee?"

"Antonio you know…"

"Because you're the only ten I see." Antonio winked.

"What are you doing?" Lovino asked.

"Is this seat taken?" Antonio asked.

"No…" Lovino shifted his eyes deciding to play along.

"I think we should start over. I'm Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo and I think you are the cutest person I've met in my entire life. Even with your eyes all red and puffy and the snot." He held out his hand.

"Lovino Vargas," Lovino shook his hand.

"What bring you here?" Antonio grinned at him, leaning his chin in his hand.

"Um...I'm being forced to get my life back together."

"Oh, I see, I see. Kind of like a fresh start?"

"Yeah…" Lovino tugged at his sleeve.

"May I have your attention? Visiting hours are now over." An announcement came over the intercom.

"Would...would you be so kind as to go on a date with me tomorrow? Same place. Say…six o'clock?" Antonio rubbed the back of his neck.

"Um..sure," Lovino whispered.

"Great! Good night, Lovino Vargas." He winked and walked away.

"Good night…" Lovino whispered, feeling his cheeks heat with a blush.

* * *

_**Translation for what Lovino tells Luca. Sorry if I got anything mixed up with context? :**_

_**"You are the sunshine of my life. You are everything to me. I can't live without you. You are the love of my life. Without you, life has no meaning."**_

_**please please please review! 3**_


End file.

Hetalia - Axis Powers, Angst, Hurt-Comfort