Orange Is the New Black The Ghost Of You

I stare at the bottle in my hand intently. But I can't see the words on its label. All I can think of are the memories of us in Bali, sipping bottle after bottle of what Alex declared to be "The best fucking wine in Indonesia." I can still feel her lips caressing my neck, her hot breath tickling my ear as she whispers dark desires that send a wave of heat straight to my core. I look up, half expecting her to be standing right behind me. But there's no one there. She's not there. That inner voice that has followed me relentlessly for the past eight years laughs and sneers, _Of course she's not fucking there, you fucking left her. Be realistic. You know she's probably screaming out some other girl's name right now. A girl who would never bail on her when she needed her most. You're nothing but a memory to her. _ And I place three bottles of the wine in my cart because by now I've realized that while I'm more than likely just a memory to her, she will always be the center of my life. While I walk slowly to the cashier I glimpse a figure walking by the window with long black hair and tight ripped jeans. My breath catches in my throat and I swear that for just a moment, my pulse stopped. The woman turns and my heart falls. It's not her. With a shaky breath I grab two bottles of whiskey and add them to the buggy.

At the till the cashier, who I've gotten to know quite well over the years, shakes his head when he rings up the total. "Piper, this is getting out of hand. You and I both know that you're not having a party. And you come in here to 'restock' every few days." He sighed. "I'm worried about you. Maybe you should think about talking to somebody about whatever demon you're trying to forget."

With eyes that have been devoid of life for years, I stare at him and shrug. "That's the thing, I don't want to forget her. I'd rather have her ghost for a minute and be miserable for the rest of my life, then have to go a single day without her." I nod at the alcohol and grimace. "That just helps ease the pain." With that, I hand him a wad of cash and leave, tugging my bags with me.

Later that night as I lay on my bathroom floor clutching a near empty bottle to my chest I begin to cry. The alcohol isn't filling the hole where my heart used to be quite as successfully as it normally does. Then I smell it. The smell of home. Smoke and brandy blend perfectly with the lavender body scrub I always used to buy her. A finger strokes my cheek and wipes at my seemingly endless tears. I open my eyes and gaze at two pools of green that have haunted me since I was 23. She never speaks, I'm not drunk enough for that yet, but she stares. Her eyes are full of pain. Silently asking why I left her. I want to crawl into her lap, run my hands through her hair and beg for forgiveness. Beg for a second chance. But there is still a sliver of my rational mind left that won't let me forget that this isn't real.

So instead, I just stare back. I stare at the girl I left behind. I stare at the mistake I will never get over. I stare at the woman that, 8 years later, still has her claws firmly sunk into my heart. "Alex." I whisper. She smiles sadly and I know that my eyes mirror her pain. Then she turns her head and glances at the door. "No." I plead. Desperation claws at my throat as I beg her to stay. "No, don't go. Don't leave me, please. I-I'm sorry. Please don't…" But it's to late. She vanishes without a backward glance, mimicking exactly how I left her in Paris. I wonder, not for the first time, if she felt the same level of pain at my disappearance as I always do at hers.

Alex visits me every night for weeks. Every night I have to drink just a little bit more to get her to appear. Sometimes she just sits and watches me. Wordlessly asking why I had hurt her. Other times, I've drunk enough to hear her voice. Her beautiful, raspy, goddamn perfect voice. I don't even mind that she's yelling hateful, accusing words at me. I don't care because I've missed that voice more than anything in the world. But the night ends the same way every time. I beg for her to stay, and she inevitably leaves.

Tonight doesn't appear to be any different. At least, not at first. I'm finishing off a bottle of whiskey when Alex makes her appearance. Tonight she's wearing black jeans and that sexy white V-neck shirt I tore off in Barcelona. Her makeup is flawless, like always. Plump, red lips frown when she sees me lying on the rug in front of the couch. "What, are the cushions broke or something kid?" My head snaps up, a shocked expression on my face. She never speaks this early. I haven't even gotten to my back up stash in the bottom cupboard. But the main cause of surprise is the softness in which she spoke. She's not yelling. There wasn't an ounce of malice in her tone. Noticing the effect her words had on me she chuckles. "Calm down kid, I'm not here to fight."

Suddenly it's hard to swallow. "Wh-why are you here then?" I licked my lips in anticipation. Maybe, maybe tonight I will be given a chance. A chance to have a moment where I live in a world where Alex, even imaginary Alex, doesn't hate me.

With a sigh, Alex sits down on the chair. She stares at me, like she always does, but this time it's as if she is searching for something. "I came to talk." She says, raising one of those perfectly sculpted eyebrows.

"Talk." I repeat with skepticism. "But Alex, we've never talked before. I mean, you talk, sometimes. But you don't ever ask me anything. You just yell and confront me, and -"

"I know what I do." Alex interrupted. "But I need to know something. I need to know why you left. No bullshit apologies, or guilty accusations. I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me why you left me alone on the day my mother, the one person other than you that I loved with my entire heart, died. Why. The. Fuck. Did. You. Leave."

My mouth opened, and then closed silently. _Why did I leave?! _The longer I stared at her the harder it became to talk. I glanced at the almost empty bottle and chugged what little remained. Glancing around the room at the wall, the couch, the floor, basically anywhere but at Alex, I try to formulate a reply. Try to take my pain and regret and turn them into words that could show her that I made a mistake.

"Alex I –" my voice broke "I was scared. You were in so deep and I couldn't, I wouldn't be second any more. I loved you, God I still fucking love you, but I didn't want to risk ruining my life. You KNOW that would've happened! We were headed down a slippery slope and I had to leave. I had to Alex, to save myself. If I had stayed because of your mom you know I would have never left again. I would've been ruined."

"Yeah well you obviously avoided that." She scoffed, motioning towards the empty bottles littering the floor and counters.

"Obviously." I muttered. "It wasn't until I had landed in America that I realized I had made a mistake. I wanted to go back to you and beg you to forgive me, but Polly promised that this happened to everyone at the end of a relationship. She convinced me that I was just scared, that I needed time. So I waited. I tried to start again, I really did. But you were everywhere I looked. I couldn't even go shopping without thinking about how you would like me in this dress or that pair of jeans. I was miserable. One day I said 'fuck it' and went to our apartment. Only to find that you had sold it and had left the country. You were gone Alex and we both no that when you want to be invisible you will be. I realized then that we were officially over. I would never see you again. I lost it. Polly came over to try to talk some sense into me and I cussed her out. Told her she had ruined the only chance I had to be happy again and she left. She tried to make contact a few years ago but she took one look at me and realized that the Piper she knew was gone. She told me I was a fucking idiot, that no one was worth this. And I haven't seen her since." I stopped and glanced up, expecting to see her flawless face twisted into a scowl. Instead she was staring at me, eyes narrowed, lips pursed.

"Wait… you ended it with Holly? She was your best friend, you loved her. Why would you-"

"No, Alex. I LOVED you. It's always been you." I whispered. Groggily I looked up into those beautiful eyes that always gave me peace. And for a second I felt like I was 23 again, loosing myself in their depths for the first time. Alex knelt on the ground in front of me and reached out, running her fingers up and down the side of my face. I closed my eyes and leaned into her caress, praying this moment would never end.

"I never… I never knew that you were hurting too. I just assumed that you had moved on." She pulled me onto her lap and held me close for the first time in 8 years. I gripped her shirt and fell into the first peaceful sleep I'd had in years. It all ended however, the moment I woke up to find that she was, once again, gone.

Alex wouldn't come. Piper drank and drank trying desperately to draw her lover's ghost out of the shadows. It never worked. She was once again, tragically and irrevocably alone. Days passed, with Piper meandering through them as if they were a dream. Her pain had never been this deep before. Not even the night she found out that she had lost Alex for good. It hurt to open her eyes in the morning. It hurt to get out of bed and pretend as if her life still had meaning. It hurt to look at others living their carefree and happy lives. She was wandering through the paths of Central Park one afternoon watching couples, envying their love, when she finally made a decision. She was surprised at how calm she was. As soon as she decided on her plan of action she felt a weight lift from her shoulders. With determined steps she walked towards the store.

Hours later, she crawled into bed wearing Alex's Metallica shirt and the underwear she had bought her in Spain. She raised the bottle to her lips and forced the burning liquid down, despite her body's protests. _Almost there, _she thought. Math was never her subject but she figured that the number of bottles she emptied tonight would be enough. Her body began to shake in objection to the cold that was slowly taking over. _Alex, please come. Please don't make me do this alone. _And then, as if she had simply been waiting for her to ask, Alex appeared one last time.

The bed bent under her weight as she stroked Pipers hair. "Oh Pipes you know I always loved that t-shirt." Piper visibly relaxed under Alex's gaze. "You came." She breathed out in a relieved sigh.

"Of course I came, kid. You didn't think I'd let you do this alone did you?" The bed shifted again as she moved behind Piper holding her close to her imagined warmth.

"I wrote you a letter. It's here…" Piper reached under her pillow and firmly gripped a page with Alex's name written across it. "Will you read it later, after… you know." She turned her pleading eyes towards the woman she loved who simply smiled and nodded. "Good… I-I'm so cold Alex."

"I know you are. But here, snuggle up to me and when you fall asleep this will all be over." Piper felt two soft arms pull her against a firm body. "Alex… I'm, I'm so sorry."

Alex rubbed soothing circles on Piper's abdomen with one hand and stroked her hair with the other. "I know Pipes. We'll be ok. I promise." For the first time in 8 years Piper smiled.

Her flesh became even colder as she fought off the urge to sleep. She wanted to enjoy Alex's presence as long as she could. She didn't want to say goodbye. As the minutes ticked by her breathing became shallower and she realized that her time was almost up.

She gripped Alex's arm with all the strength she had left and whispered, "Please don't leave me." And this time, Alex stayed.

It took the cops months to track down Alex. When they finally did they gave her the letter and explained that Piper had been found with a smile on her face and had been buried in a cemetery of her choice. Alex sucked in a breath when she realized it was the same one her mother was placed in. After the cops left, Alex sank to the floor of her apartment and began to read Piper's final words.

_My darling Alex,_

_If this ever reaches you then you will know that I am gone. I'm not sure what reaction that news will bring after the way I left but I need you to promise that you will finish this letter. Al… I made a mistake 8 years ago that I have lived in regret over every day since. I left you, and the pain in your eyes has forever stayed with me. My life ended the day I walked out on you. But you were kind enough to offer me a glimmer of happiness these past few months. You came when I drank. You came and I wasn't alone any longer. For that I will never be able to thank you enough. I love you Alex. And I hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, that you are happy. I wish you the happiness you brought me these last few weeks. And I hope, one day, when you're old and reliving all the glorious moments of your life that you will think fondly of your time with me. Those were the best days of my life and I have to believe that they meant something to you as well. I'm going home Al. I've finally decided that this life isn't one that I want any longer. If I'm lucky, perhaps the next life will offer me another chance with you. This time I won't run. This time I'm staying forever. I can feel the cold slowly wrap around me… I'm afraid it's almost time. Don't worry. If my suspicions are confirmed you will be there to help me let go. Please come. I need you to hold me one more time so I can fall into that endless sleep with a smile. It hurts to write so I am going to lie down. Know this Alex. I have always and will always love you. We are inevitable. _

_Forever yours,_

_Piper_

The pain that enveloped Alex was almost too much to bear. All these years and she had never known that Piper still loved her. She wanted to turn back the clock and do it all over again. She wanted to tell Piper that she felt the same way, even after all this time. She needed Piper to know that she loved her.

Then Alex remembered what the officer had said… when they found her she was smiling. She was smiling. Alex thanked a god she didn't believe in that her ghost at least had been able to say goodbye. As she brushed her fingers over the scars covering both of her arms she hoped that Piper's ghost would come do the same for her.


End file.

Orange Is the New Black, Hurt-Comfort, Romance