Naruto 1. Chapter 1

_**The Nature of Relationships  
**_**A Xenocide Production**

**AN: Just your average Crack!fic. Actually, this is probably even less than average. Your time could be better spent watching paint dry. Or reading **_**Cosmo**_**. Go do that.**

**Summary: **Being a short, informal treatise on the nature of relationships and why it amuses us to indulge in blatant perversion.

**Disclaimer: Xenocide Productions wishes to state that this mockumentary is an unabridged version of the truth. Any who take this seriously should be pitied and put in an institution where the learning curriculum revolves around shiny things and bright colors. Except for the Yaoi. We hate that sort of thing. Seriously.**

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_The human heart is a fragile thing, complex, deep, and many other illustrious metaphors that are best left to poets and embittered starving artists._

_The most wonderful emotion that the heart is capable of is that flighty, damning emotion that we call love. A sacred thing, it's a bond shared between two people when they commit themselves to their partner for eternity and everafter._

_It makes sense that something so sacred is so fun to twist and pervert._

_Let's take a close look at DB-NAR1, for instance. Here we have a very interesting world, full of men who love to dress up in women's skins and tongue people to death, children who can multiply themselves infinitely and change themselves into the opposite gender, and adults who actively proclaim themselves as super perverts and tote around explicit pornography in public._

_Not to mention the numerous boys who, for all intents and purposes, look like girls who do a very, very poor job of disguising their true gender. I mean, come on, man. Wearing a kimono, donning various shades of nail polish, and generally acting effeminate is not, I repeat _NOT_, the best way to convince an audience that you are indeed male. That's just insulting someone's intelligence. _

_Yes, this world is a very interesting one, full of potential._

_But of course, for some strange reason, despite the obvious perversion and sexual innuendo around each corner, the original creator———_

(INSERT CREEPY LOOKING, MIDDLE AGED OLD GUY WHO HAS WAY TOO MANY REI AYANAMI FIGURINES AND SAILOR MOON COSTUMES FOR COMFORT.)

———_has yet to take advantage of the many opportunities presented._

_And that is where your average fanfic writer comes in._

_To gain a deeper understanding of our topic, let us first examine the psyche of the fanfic author. _

_Most authors are just average people who have expressed dissatisfaction with a universe's natural storyline, feeling that they, being the literary geniuses and visionaries that they are, can do, like, _looooaaadddss _better than some stupid Japanese dude who probably has a magical girl fetish. Not that there's anything wrong with that of course. I hear those replicas are fairly lifelike these days._

_But I digress._

_In the interest of better understanding our main topic, I'm going to illustrate just why normal people have such disdain for fanfiction in general._

_Let us take a random excerpt from a writer, someone who claims to have graduated high school yet writes like twelve year old on a cocaine binge._

Writer Callsign: Funktastialicioust1

Fic Title: Gunz of Justise

Excerpt:

(—adn Naruto jumped up with fury, roaring 'I'm gonna busta cap in you guys asses with my gunz of justise , biatches!' Narto whippied out his gunz and started blowing bllody holes in Itachi, Saske, and that pink haired girl, and then he—)

_All right then, that enough of that. You get the idea. Feel free to gouge your eyes out with a rusty spork. I know I did. A glorious moment of relief, it was._

_Now, that fic up there, and I use the term loosely, is basically a waste of space. And lord knows a reader has to wade hip deep through these piles of trash just to find a diamond in the rough. These so called "improvements" over the canon storyline make the lame ass plot that the creator dumped on us actually look good. And that's saying something, let me tell you._

_If we had to sum up your average fanfic writer in words, here's what this esteemed author would suggest: I've seen poor Mexicans and illiterate Asiam immigrants with a better grasp of the English language._

_Where have our school systems failed us? No Child Left Behind, my Kerry-voting ass._

_Now that we have a better understanding of fanfiction writers in general, and before I hang myself from depression, let's focus our attention on the main topic at hand: Why do writers feel the need to pair everybody and anybody up in a fic involving DB-NAR1?_

_Personally, I like to think that everybody has a sense of romance in them, and that a heartwarming romance fic is just our way of saying how much we love each other as human beings._

_But, let's face it. That's not gonna happen. Most writers are either rabid yaoi fangirls or perverted panty-shot fanboys._

_It's estimated that a good seventy five percent of DB-NAR1 fics have some element of romance. Seventy five percent! That's just ridiculous. And a little scary. Who knew there were so many lonely and horny people out there?_

_Let's start with our hero, the main protagonist of most of these fics._

_Here we have our primary character of DB-NAR1, Uzumaki Naruto._

"Hey, what the—!?!? Where the hell am I?!?!"

_An irritating little brat that goes around screaming "Believe it!" at the top of his lungs. Not to mention that he wears a jumpsuit fashioned entirely from orange thread. He's just asking for someone to kill him._

"Hey, hey! I'm talking to you, you—voice…thingy….person!"

_Burdened with the task of harboring an evil demon in the expanse of his belly button, the DB-NAR1 Universe mainly follows this boy's exploits and those of his friends. The boy himself isn't really all that endearing, as there are other inhabitants that are much cooler and much more kick ass than this puny little runt._

"You bastard! Show yourself! I'm going to kick your ass and prove that I'm stronger than anyone else! I'm going to be Hokage, after all. Believe it!"

_See what I mean? _

…………

_Oh lord, he's actually using the victory pose. How utterly pathetic._

"Who you calling pathetic, you panty-snatching pile of otaku trash!?"

Silence.

"Er…voice dude?"

An ominous silence.

"Eheh…maybe I shouldn't have called him an otaku?"

_That was uncalled for, boy. I most certainly am NOT a panty-snatcher. Just for that, I think I'm going to start you out somewhere a little less than hellish._

**FL—FLASH!**

**THUMPH!**

"Oof! That hurt! Where the hell did you send me? What am I doing on this bed? And why the _hell_ are there pictures of snakes doing it plastered all over the walls and ceiling?"

_Ahem…as I was saying. Many writers, especially the fangirls, seem to have a fascination with the Male/Male pairings of DB-NAR1. This phenomenon is know as 'YAOI', and is to be avoided at all costs. _

"……………..Male/Male?"

_Yaoi writers seem to believe that, despite any evidence to the contrary, most males seem to have a deep, lustful love for each other that they are hiding within themselves, and cover up their angsty emissions by chasing after the icky females. Believe it or not, many Yaoi fics have been written on the basis of two characters standing next to each other in a particularly poignant scene. Indeed, the lack of canonical support for this theory seems to only whip Yaoi supporters into a frenzy._

"…………….oh, _please_ tell me that you did not just say _angsty emissions_!"

_Artistic license, kid. Deal with it._

_Now, when a writer tries to reason with a Yaoi supporter and say, 'Hey, this doesn't have any basis in canon. Why are you insisting that this is true love?' the crazed Yaoi addict will reply 'You (meep)ing ignorant gay hater! Go (meep) yourself and (meep) (meep) a goat with a (meep)!' This is of course, a less than courteous response, and it is recommended that you never engage in aggressive conversation with a Yaoi fan when it comes to their men. And avoid eye contact, whatever you do._

"Is that even anatomically possible to do that with a (meep)?"

_Guess what, kid? You're about to find out._

_The Naruto/Orochimaru pairing is not particularly prominent among writers, but it exists nonetheless. _

"Oh, kami……….you wouldn't!"

_It is an unwritten, but still fanon, fact that Orochimaru is as gay as a dropping of the soap in Riker's Showerhouse. It is also suspected that he is a pedophile, and not many would object to that statement at all._

**BANG!**

The door to Orochimaru's Shack of Reptile Ravaging (all rights reserved) flew open, and there stood the Snake Sannin, holding an oblong, uncomfortable looking (meep), and wearing a pair of boxers with tiny hearts and Sharingans embroidered on them.

"I've come for you, Naruto-kun! Though I am a horrible, pedophilic monster incapable of love, I have come to express my undying warm fluffy feelings to you in the only manner that I know how! To teach you the joys of lustful, wet, hot, yaoi love!"

He brandished the (meep) with a flourish then stepped aside to let a …..goat trot into the room with him.

"Meeeehhhh." The goat uttered enthusiastically.

_Oh my, Naruto. It seems that you have some admirers of the…errr…(meep)ed up persuasion. I wonder how many positions that goat knows?_

"Must—commit—seppuku—before—boyish—innocence—stolen!!"

_PUT DOWN THAT KUNAI, BOY! I DIDN'T SAY YOUR PUNISHMENT WAS OVER!_

_Orochimaru, you sick bastard, stop him!_

"Stop that foolishness at once, Naruto-kun!" The pale man magically divested himself of his boxers. "You still have to meet MiniOrochi-sama!" He dove for the bed, oblong (meep) still in hand. He tackled the boy and they both disappeared in the confines of the waterbed.

"Feel the Power of MiniOrochi-sama!"

"Oh, kami! It's so…long! And scaley! Wait, no! Don't put that there!"

A hand grasped the air desperately. "Somebody, anybody! Kill me now, PLEASE!"

The goat looked on with interest. The snake man usually liked to play for a few hours before he was invited to join. It was fun being a spectator in the meantime.

_And that, dear readers, is why you never sass a fanfic writer. They're evil, sadistic beings. _

_While our hero is getting acquainted with all things 'Mini', I must bid you farewell for this installment. Perhaps in the coming days I shall illustrate the evils of the Naruto/Sasuke pairing, or if I've feeling particularly generous, the ever popular Harem fic._

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_**Hehheh, just a little incoherent perverted oneshot I decided to write on the evils of PairingMania!Naruto. Of course, I obviously didn't explore the other aspects of our twisted little fantasies, but if this garners enough laughs, I might be persuaded to continue. This isn't really a serious writing project.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Nature of Relationships (Part II)  
**_**A Xenocide Production**

**AN: Just your average Crack!fic. Actually, this is probably even less than average. Your time could be better spent watching paint dry. Or reading **_**Cosmo**_**. Go do that.**

**Summary: **Being a short, informal treatise on the nature of relationships and why it amuses us to indulge in blatant perversion. 

**Disclaimer: Xenocide Productions wishes to state that this mockumentary is an unabridged version of the truth. Any who take this seriously should be pitied and put in an institution where the learning curriculum revolves around shiny things and bright colors. Except for the Yaoi. We hate that sort of thing. Seriously.**

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_Greetings, True Believers._

_This is your Friendly Neighborhood Fanfic Author speaking._

_As you no doubt have surmised, the time has come for another treatise on fanfiction: The Nature of Relationships._

_When last we met, I was introducing the main character of the DBNAR1 Universe to one of the lesser know fallacies of the fanfiction community, namely that of Yaoi and the gag reflex inducing pairing of Orochimaru and Naruto himself._

_Come to think of it, how long have I left the two in that room? _

…………_oh dear. I seem to have forgotten to write them an exit. The Reptile Shack of Ravaging has been occupied for nearly ten months._

_Eh, who cares? We're writers. I doubt very many of us here have written a pure fluff story, where there is no conflict (i.e., no plot). I can forgive the lack of plot, as long as there is lemony goodness involved. And don't you dare say that smut can't free my soul! It's very liberating and I can guran-damn-tee you that each and every one of you reading this has deliberately read an M rated fic purely for the sex. _

_Sickos._

_But I'm rambling. I will now poke my proverbial head in the door of the love nest, purely because I can practically taste the lame comedic potential it exudes. So let us now return to that little Love Shack, where various noises and disturbing sound effects are escaping from its confines._

"BAAAAAAAAAAA!"

_Oh shit. That sounds like one very violated goat. You know what? I've decided to leave them be. I __**really**__ don't want to know what's going on in there. Sometimes, characters take on a life of their own and an author is powerless to control their actions._

"GODDAMMIT! You scaly bastard! What the hell are you doing to that poor goat? That doesn't fucking **belong** there!"

_As Pontius Pilate before me, I wash my hands of this matter. So many authors do it here at good ole FFnet that no one even blinks these days. Now let us leave our dear Hero and Homoerotic Antagonist to their dalliances. If they're lucky, I might remember to write them an exit. Maybe._

_Now, as a previous reviewer mentioned so long ago, he feared the day that I should ridicule the most popular love interest in the fandom (at least among sane, straight males): The Harem._

_Let it firstly be noted that I have no particular animosity towards harems. I, being a red-blooded and Super-Perverted male (God Bless Jiraiya for becoming my personal advocate), fully enjoy and delight in the idea of one male underdog gaining the affection of twenty some odd women and having the sex drive to please them all. The only problem is, there are very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, insert different adverb here, few well written harem fics. I can literally count on one hand the number of well written harem fics and not all of them are in the Naruto fandom._

_For one thing, the logic involved is perverted as Kisame's necrophilic sushi orgies. Yes, I know I'm killing catgirls by the loads by brining logic to an otaku fight, but surely even you, __lackadaisal__ reader, can see that even the tiniest bit of logic makes a fic that much better. Let us take, for example, the fairly well known fic __**All For One**_ _written by Vesvius B. An excerpt:_

"The Hokage was now gaping in shock. All thirteen of Konoha's most prominent clans were arguing over who would raise the boy! They all wanted it badly, from Hyuuga Hiashi, the leader of the most prominent clan, to Shinkotama Tenoshi, whose clan had been under ridicule for not having many special abilities that would be labeled as bloodlines. All thirteen of them wanted this! A devious idea was forming in Sarutobi's mind. It would be excellent for Naruto, good for Konoha, and get these annoying leaders out of his office so he could get to work!"

_Said boy is Naruto, of course. Let us dissect this passage._

_Firstly, the general rule of a harem in real life is the more, the merrier, right? Collecting pretty little ladies that are eager to please you is an opportunity every man, and hell, even some women, would kill for. In writing, however, the general rule is no less than two and four is pushing it. Why? For the very simple reason that it takes a very talented writer to write more than two characters in a romance. And a Stephen King, VB is not. And on top of that, what does he do? He tosses in thirteen love interests. THIRTEEN! Even going so far as to invent a few OC clans just to add a few more girls. I mean really, that's just stretching credibility. _

_I can't fault the man, boy, girl, tentacle monster or whatever he may be on the internet, for his ideas or his tastes, but he has in no way the amount of talent required to write such a fic. And where is AFO now? In the dreaded Hiatus Bin, where projects such as the Evangelion Live Action Movie, the car that runs on water, and Bill Clinton's purity dwell. There are practical things to think about such as the act of procreation._

_Side note: I epic fail because I referred to that glorious act of perversion as procreation. Damn college for making me into a well rounded individual._

_OK. You have thirteen girls to bang. Whoopee. Buy yourself a minivan and bulletproof your home because the multitudes of jealous males will suddenly find a great many reasons for you to die. Painfully. _

_Also, how the hell do you plan on keeping this harem? There's…..needs to consider. One thing that I have consistently seen from mediocre, and less than mediocre, writers is that they tend to toss a crapload of girls into the mix, but only really focus on the few that they like, leaving the others to be nothing more than screwtoys who get brought out once every few chapters for the sake of variety. I mean come on, how many people actually like that little bitch�Tayuya for God's sakes? Just because she's a potty mouth and like playing with dolls doesn't make her this fetishist that longs for the gentle touch of a man. She'd bite your dick off, skewer it on a senbon, and try to pass it off as a new breed of squid to hungry customers._

_Another small bit of logic for you (and another dead catgirl, sadly): How in the hell is our Hero expected to keep his harem happy? Unless life is a porn vid, and you have no idea how often I've wished it was so, there is no WAY that he can give out any sexual healing to his girls. Most writers blithely have our Hero bedding three girls at a time, giving them various climaxes, visiting nirvana himself a few times, and then__**still**__ has enough staying power to do another two groups of three. What the hell! Whatever shit he's taking, I want me some of that. In my humble opinion, the author writing these traits is merely trying to compensate for his title, "Fastest Man Alive". And I'm not talking the Olympics type of speed… _

_In conclusion, I would like to say that harem fics that suck don't suck __**because**__ they're harem fics, only because the author sucks at writing harem fics. I'm sorry, but that's all there is to it. Maybe if more talented writers tried their hand at it, we wouldn't have so many elitist authors, i.e, people who read and critique but never write, bitch about how crude these fics are and how _obviously_ the writer knows nothing of his profession._

_I'm going to be a bastard and do the same thing. Please, please, for the love of Utada Hikaru's panties and the half-naked Ayanami Rei figuring adorning the top of my computer, don't contribute your crap to an alluring genre if you KNOW that you can't pull off a harem. I sure as hell can't so I stay far, far away from that._

_For now, I bid you adieu and leave you to write bad fanfiction, as you always do._

_I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I don't know what. Ah well, can't be important._

Somewhere on the fringes of the universe, in a small section designated for starving artists, writers, and political activists, a small shack was rocking on its foundations, windows rattling, disco beads tinkling, and shingles flying. A wail of anguish and pure suffering tore through the mist, and a goat smiled.

…………or did he?

_Oh, that's right. _

And suddenly, all three of them were back in their normal places…..somehow. The goat was back in some godforsaken hillbillie's backyard, Naruto was dumped back into the waiting arms of Emoduck, and Orochimaru arrived someplace that the straight male cannot even begin to fathom. The author can't be bothered to type it out. Except that Orochimaru and the smiling goat walked around with a bowl legged gait for some months afterward. 

Naruto did not, for some strange reason…..

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**Laughed your ass off? Were you offended? Let me know. **

**DB Dattebayo, NAR Naruto obviously, 1 signifying the main universe, and because Stargate always has a number in there somewhere.**


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Naruto, Humor, Parody