Phantom of the Opera The Great Debate

A/N: This was one of my entries for the 1st PFN Humor Writing Contest! To my utter surprise, it placed 1st in the competition! Who knew I had it in me to write humor?

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It was the event of the century. It was like nothing no one had ever seen before. Eriks of all fandoms had crawled out from under whatever rock they had been lurking under to see it. They had come from fandom universes near and far, far and near, crossing sea to shining sea and dusty landscapes and strange, new worlds. They had walked, rode, sailed, and swam. Some of the more modern ones had even driven and flown.

That, of course, says nothing of the multitudes of phans who came from all over the world to see it. Flights were booked, trains were jammed, traffic was at an all time high – and still, they kept coming.

They came for three main reasons:

One: Leroux Erik had crawled out from whatever godforsaken coffin, grave, or opera house he had currently been residing in to be there.

Two: The sexy, the popular, the controversial Gerik in all his youthful glory was going to be there.

Three: The two aforementioned polarized Eriks were scheduled to be there to debate the hottest topic around:

Resolved, that the ALW half-mask is superior to a full-mask.

Yes, it was this sensitive topic that brought phans and Phantoms alike from all over the world and beyond together. It was going to be a tough crowd, with each side booing and cheering on the speakers with no consideration of debate etiquette. Between the youthful females with their shrill, pubescent voices and the crones of phandom with their ancient voice boxes, the moderator was going to have some trouble presiding over the debate.

Which was why the debate's appointed moderator, Nadir Khan, was shouting as he was.

"Order!" Nadir shouted from up at the front of the room behind the lectern, banging his gavel upon the gavel stand. "ORDER!"

No one would listen. Despite the fact that all of the Eriks had been seated together on one side of the room, separate from the rest of the phans on the other side of the room (this was for safety purposes, both to reduce the number of phans monkey-piling the Eriks, and to prevent the Eriks from Punjabbing all of the phans), the phans were still bouncing off the walls in their excitement, and the Eriks were lazily Punjabbing a few of the ones who got too close to their masks for comfort.

"You should try speaking louder," said Gerik helpfully, who was standing behind a lectern on Nadir's left (or the audience's right). Not that he was helping matters at all. He kept smirking sensuously and unbuttoning his fluffy white shirt to strike sexy poses for his phans. Each time he did (once every couple of nanoseconds) the girls would giggle and scream incoherent, fragmented sentences, such as, "OMG gerry is HAWT!" and "erik is teh SEXIEST!11"

"You great booby!" Leroux Erik retorted. "It's not the Persian who is at fault. The microphones aren't working." He was standing behind a lectern on Nadir's right (or the audience's left), surveying the audience with a dark, demented look. His phans were waving Red Death flags, and shouting things like, "Long live the Original!" and "Canon Phans of the World, Unite!"

Nadir ignored them both, and continued shouting into the mic. "Order, order! If you don't be quiet now, **I'm going to cancel this debate and neither Erik will speak!"**

The last part of the sentence, the part in **bold**, was the only part that was heard, because that was when the microphones started working.

For one and a half seconds, there was complete, dead silence. Then the whole room erupted in screams and indignant grumbles.

"NOOOOOO!" several of the phans squeed. "EVIL! EVIL! YOU CAN'T LEAVE US ON A CLIFFIE LIKE THAT!"

Nadir blinked. "Cliffie?" he wondered aloud as other phans broke into tears and sniveled dramatically enough to make Gerik jealous.

"Phan writer terminology," said Gerik over the commotion, wistfully eyeing the sobbing phans. "Either that, or it's that white horse's name."

"_Cesar_, not 'Cliffie,'" said Leroux Erik, rolling his blazing yellow eyes. "Have you even _read_ the original story?"

"My dear, _original _Phantom, perhaps you're a bit late on the times, but originality doesn't count for anything anymore. The new 'in' is to rip off the original and call it your own genius. Case in point: I don't even write my own music – Webber writes it for me."

"And they call you a genius," said Leroux Erik sardonically.

Nadir blinked again, then sighed. "Save it for the debate, Erik. Both Eriks." No matter which Erik he was with, and no matter which time period they were in, Erik always managed to land him in the strangest situations.

Returning to the microphone, Nadir tried again.** "Order! What I said was, if you are not silent now, I will cancel the debate,"** Nadir shouted, and gradually the phans quieted down and looked at him expectedly. "Thank you," said Nadir at an ordinary volume, "and welcome to the first Erik debate ever." He paused as the phans cheered. "I now call this debate to order," Nadir continued, and banged the gavel on the stand three times.

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

"Today's resolution reads, 'Resolved, that the ALW half-mask is superior to the full mask.' Our main proponent speaker is Gerik, from the Andrew-"

Here Gerik's phan girls screamed as Gerik waved from behind the lectern, smiling jauntily.

"-movie," said Nadir, not bothering to pause this time. "Our main opponent speaker is Erik from Gaston Leroux's-"

Here Leroux Erik's phans screamed even louder as Leroux Erik bowed slightly.

"_-Opera_. Main speakers, you each have six minutes to present your speeches. After your statements, we will vote on the resolution. Gerik, you're up."

The audience turned to look at Gerik as Gerik cleared his throat authoritatively.

"Friends, phans, and Phantoms," began Gerik, in the most soothing, melodious tone he could muster. "We have all gathered here together to determine once and for all, who's mask is better. While I am certain that my esteemed colleague from Leroux's original story will have quite a few good points, it is undeniable that my mask is simply superior."

"GO ERIK!" a random phan yelled. "UR HOTTTT!1112"

"**Order!"** Nadir shouted, slamming his gavel down. A chip flew off the lectern. The phan shut up.

"First off, on a practical level, it makes sense. How else am I supposed to seduce Christine with my _angelic_ voice," (here the cynical anti-movie phans snorted), "if my voice is held captive within the confines of a mask? A mask creates a most hollow tone, and that, of course, defeats the purpose of having Christine fall in love with me.

"Second of all, how many of you ladies could truly be attracted to a guy in a full mask?" Several of Leroux's phans booed loudly, and Leroux Erik glared, his hand drifting towards his side where his Punjab rope was. "It's not mysterious, it's just… scary. Clearly, I don't want to be scary if I'm trying to get the girl."

The Leroux phans fumed in their seats, while Gerik's phans cheered loudly at this.

"On the other hand," Gerik continued, "the half-mask maintains a sense of mystery, but in a good way. I would even dare to say in a sexy way." Here Gerik's phans whistled and catcalled. "I'll explain: Christine can see one side of my face… but she's always going to have a desire to see what's on the other, and that suspense helps her fall in love with me even more.

"And finally, the half-mask makes me far, far more relatable to you, and the world at large. It represents that central conflict within me, the fight between being good and being bad… between being attractive and being repulsive. It's not just physical, either: it represents the angelic side of me that has the ability to fall in love, and then the demonic side that pushes people away, that even murders them. This, my friends, is truly what people respond to. Every day, you and I undergo that same fight to be good or bad or both. And that shared battle is something that makes me far more human to you.

"Thank you for listening. I urge you to vote pro on this resolution."

The audience applauded, and several phans shouted out, "WE LOVE YOU ERIK!" Some of the more tech-savvy phans had brought their laptops with mobile Internet service with them, and were now madly posting to the PFN Message Board. The "Erik Debate" thread now had over 15 pages of squeeing and praise for Gerik.

"Thank you," said Nadir through clenched teeth to the noisy phans. "Leroux Erik, you have six minutes for your statement. You may begin."

There was no clearing of throat this time. Leroux Erik began, and at the first word, the phans and Gerik suddenly realized who they were dealing with.

THE MASTER.

THE ORIGINAL.

In capital letters.

That voice that spoke – it was the definition of "haunting" and "melodious" and "hypnotic" and "angelic." No Erik adaptation or interpretation could even think of matching the sublimity of Leroux Erik's voice. What's more, he wasn't even trying. He, for all they know, was snoring in his sleep. It didn't even matter that the mask he wore covered his entire face, and, of course, his mouth – an angel's voice is an angel's voice.

"Thank you, Gerik," said Leroux Erik in that hypnotic voice of an angel, "for that enlightening presentation. However, Erik must respectfully disagree with you, for you are terribly mistaken on several points!

"To begin with, my story is one of horror. Yes, horror, my friends! Horror! It is a tragic story, and part of the horror and tragedy comes from the fact that Erik is poor, unhappy Erik! He is hideously disfigured – no, he is a death's head! Erik is death itself! Remember! Christine herself said that I smell of death! Oh, my friends, do you not understand? When will you take the hint? That is what makes my story so timeless and unique! To remove that part in favor of a half-mask and a good-looking chap is to remove Erik altogether!"

Leroux Erik paused to survey the crowd. A bit to his surprise, he realized that all of the phans were staring at him in a glazed, sort of hypnotized way. His phans had dropped their Red Death flags to the floor; Gerik's phans had stopped in mid-drool. Apparently, without even trying to, he'd hypnotized them all with his hypnotizing voice.

All except the Eriks and Nadir.

"Erik!" said Nadir sharply. "Look what you've done! This is out of order! Wake them up!"

"I can't, Daroga," Leroux Erik sniggered. "I was only speaking… It is not my fault they cannot resist the power of my voice… it was not I…"

"This isn't fair," Gerik sniveled. "Just because you have the better voice, they all listen to you! No one would listen to me…"

Leroux Erik shrugged. "Call the vote, then. But let Erik finish his speech." Turning back to the audience, he concluded, "…and now, when the good Daroga calls the vote, you will vote CON on this resolution. Thank you for your attention."

The audience continued to stare blankly ahead.

Nadir glared as Leroux Erik stood silently behind his lectern. "Very well, thank you, Erik. And now, we are going to vote on the resolution, 'Resolved, that the ALW half-mask is superior to the full mask.' All those in favor of this resolution, please raise your hands."

To no one's surprise, only Gerik, Crawford Erik, the other ALW stage version Eriks, and some random half-masked Eriks raised their hands.

"And all those opposed?"

Like a great unified army, the rest of the room raised their hands at once. Nadir continued scowling – it was just like Erik to play a trick like that!

"This resolution fails."

The audience continued to stare blankly ahead.


End file.

Phantom of the Opera, Humor, Parody