Final Fantasy VII 1. Chapter 1

Clue To Fatal Murder

It was a cold night, and the party that had defeated Sephiroth years ago had gathered again for their annual Christmas Party at the Shinra Mansion. Snow was gently falling down from the sky, and the howling wind blew strong against the windows of the dark house. Taking a break from the drunken noise of the boys in the party, Yuffie slid quietly into the drawing room, puffing heavily on a cigarette. As she gazed around the room in search of an ashtray, she espied something strange behind the sofa, on the floor... as she moved closer, she realised what it was... the dead body of Aeris.

CHAPTER 1: SUSPICIONS

"This is a sad day for all of us." Cloud began. They were all gathered in the dining room. "Aeris is dead, and this was a time for celebration." Cloud sat at the head of the table, beraggled and shaken at the news of Aeris' death.

"I think that's more reason for celebration than most things.." Tifa chuckled.

"Do you mind?!" Yuffie cried, "Our friend is dead!"

"Correction!" Cloud shouted, banging on the table for effect. "Aeris Gainsborough was MURDERED!"

Everyone around the table gasped in shock, even Cloud... at the stupidity of the others.

"Murdered?!" Barret hollered, placing his pint glass of whiskey on the table.

"Well, yes? How else do you think she died?" Cloud asked in disbelief.

"Well..." Tifa started. "She did have a lot of sexual partners. I just thought that maybe it caught up with her."

"No way, Tifa, she didn't die of some disease. I thought it was her cocaine addiction." Yuffie sulked, gazing at the lit end of a cigarette.

"You are all wrong. A five pound note was stuck up her nose to throw you off the scent, but Aeris was brutally murdered!" Cloud sighed.

"How do you know?"

"She was stabbed repeatedly and shot in the head. Did you not even look at her, Yuffie?"

"Well, I, uh.. was taken aback by the awful pink dress she wears."

"Ugh... well, in any case, Aeris was murdered as she slipt away for the powder-room, and one of us is the killer!"

Everyone around the table gasped again. Vincent stood up from the table and walked around it quietly.

"What yer doin', Vince?" Cid asked, trying to remain conscious from the bottle of whiskey he and Barret shared.

"I'm thinking. Cloud is right, you know. The doors to this house are sealed at night by Rufus' Jr.'s orders, to prevent any late-night monster killings. So one of us had to have killed her."

"Couldn't someone have snuck inside?" Red XIII asked. "It's a probability."

"NO!" Vincent screamed into his face. He backed off immediately, laughing as if he were embarrased. "I mean, the security system Shinra NUEVA set up last year would have gone off, wouldn't it?"

"You're right..." Tifa trembled. "But,... who would have killed her? She was our friend!"

"Oh, don't start, Tifa!" Yuffie spat. "You hated her!"

"Me?! What about you, little brat! You always said you'd like to just... cut,... into that ugly... fucking bitch face one day."

"Yeah, like I'd ever actually do that!"

"Well she was stabbed... and you have a four-pointed knife thingy at your side!"

"It's called a shuriken, you dumb-arse."

"Ah! So you admit it!" Tifa yelled, shooting up from her chair, her breasts knocking her wine glass over Yuffie.

"You stupid bitch! You've soaked me! And of course I didn't do it!"

"Well, let me help you with that little spillage then!" Tifa smirked, ripping off Yuffie's top.

"Oh, thank God!" Barret cried, "She's wearing a bra."

Everyone looked at him.

"I mean... cor, what knockers!"

"You bitch, Tifa! That was Chanel!"

"That was CHARITY!" Tifa laughed.

Yuffie jumped onto the table and ripped off Tifa's clothes. In an instant they were both rolling around on the floor, slapping and biting. Vincent, in a break of character, picked up the wine bottle and poured it all over the pair, hooting and hollering as he did so. Tifa and Yuffie stopped the fight for a second and gazed up at him.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Yuffie cried.

"Oh.. er!! Expelling the demons!" he stammered, nervously.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: WONDERINGS

"Here's a piece for you, Barret. You get the breast." Cloud winked, placing a bit of turkey onto Barret's plate.

"Hey! Shouldn't we be focusing on who murdered Aeris?" Yuffie cried, pointing to Aeris' corpse, which was only a few feet away from the dinner table. The smell was unbearable.

"Yeah, and could you move it away from the fireplace, please?" Tifa asked, covering her nose with her wine-stained top. "The heat is making the smell a lot worse." She gagged, trying not to vomit. She couldn't help it though, and blew chunks all over Yuffie.

"Agh!" Yuffie screamed, running out of the room. Everyone in the room burst out laughing.

"Oh, Tifa, you make me laugh sometimes." Barret slurred, now on his second pint of whiskey. His eyes were drooping from the effects of the alcohol, and from the reflection of the fireplace, they were brilliantly beautiful; Cid couldn't help but stare from across the table.

"I know…" she smiled, wiping the excess vomit from her mouth and smiling softly. "Look, Cloud." She sighed, and laughed weakly. "I know Aeris is dead, and all." She gestured quickly over to the bloodied corpse. "But it's Christmas! Can't we just forget about it for now and celebrate first? We can bother about the details later." She suggested, rubbing his shoulders to make her argument stronger. Cloud could never resist her when he rubbed her shoulders. Moaning softly as she did so, he was about to say no; she could tell by the slight frown that furrowed his brow. She rubbed harder, the pointed gloves she wore digging into his skin; he always liked that. Moaning a little louder now, he fell into his chair, and Tifa sat on his lap to be a little more persuasive; they both forgot about the other people in the room now.

Ignoring Tifa and Cloud as they gave each other foreplay, Barret was so drunk Cid suddenly became attractive, and Cid was just being Cid. Sitting beside him, Cid moved his chair closer towards him and whispered in his ear "Merry Christmas", kissing him on the cheek, and then the lips.

"Um, Vincent." Red XIII suddenly spoke up.

"Yes." Vincent replied.

"What the fuck."

"I don't know. Should we just leave?" he asked.

"Can we, please?"

And with that, Red XIII and Vincent ran out of the door, taking all of the wine that wasn't nailed down, just in time to see Tifa pulling up her skirt.

The next morning…

"It's gone!" Yuffie screamed, fainting onto the floor.

"Um, Yuffie." Tifa yawned, rising from Cloud's crotch and wiping the semen from the mouth. "I vomited there."

"Ew!" Yuffie squealed, quickly jumping from the floor and flipping her hair back and forth to get the vomit from it.

"So, what's gone? Your virginity?" She laughed.

"Oh, shut it, lard ass. I meant that bitch's corpse. Look!" she cried, pointing to the fireplace.

Tifa gasped in shock and shook Cloud awake.

"Cloud! Cloud, wake up! Wu-Twat's right; somebody has moved Aeris' body!"

"Hmph!" Yuffie snorted, leaving the room, head held high.

"Oh, don't worry." Cloud yawned. "Barret probably just gave it to Red XIII to dispose of it. You know how dogs eat raw meat."

"That's disgu… wow, you look so hot right now…" she cried, snogging him passionately. She hadn't even noticed Cid and Barret lying naked only feet away, empty bottles of whiskey lying around them haphazardly.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3: GONE

"Wake up!" Yuffie cried, kicking Vincent in the head once more.

In the music room, Vincent and Red XIII lay sprawled out on the floor, various empty bottles of wine by their side.

"I can't believe you drank nearly all the wine, you greedy bastards!" she sulked; although she was barely old enough to drink, Yuffie _really _liked her wine.

"Oh, shit…" Vincent moaned, coming round. "Where the hell am I?"

"You're in the Shinra mansion." She spat, kicking the empty bottles of wine in disappointment.

"Oh, crap." He replied, dully. "You mean I'm still at this piece of shit party?"

"Yeah, and you drank all the wine."

"Hey, wait. Didn't something happen last night?"

"Yeah, you drank all the fucking wine!" she screamed back, after seeing several more empty bottles hiding behind the nearby sofa.

"_No, _I mean… wasn't Aeris murdered?" he scratched his head, trying to remember the events of last night.

"Oh, _that._" Yuffie replied, nonchalant. "Yeah, something like that. Anyway, Cloud wants to see you." She muttered, as she walked towards the door. "That is, if he's gotten off Tifa. That dirty…" she trailed off as she left the room, leaving Vincent with Red XIII. He glanced over at his canine companion, but decided not to wake him. That used condom that lay beside them was not an issue he wanted to debate right now.

"Where's Vincent?" Cloud asked, as Yuffie came back in the room. Tifa was draped around him, at least with a bra on this time.

"Still nursing his hangover." She replied, curtly, giving Tifa a dirty look as she passed them, heading towards the basement – she was going to quickly liberate the few remaining bottles of wine that resided there.

"I don't know why she doesn't like me." Tifa sighed, after Yuffie had left the room.

"Who knows?" Cloud replied. "Anyway, we had better get everyone together so we can discuss what has happened."

"Yeah, sure." She smiled back, wiping the dried semen from her mouth.

Meanwhile, in the basement...

Yuffie fumbled around in the dark, slowly descending the stairs into the cold basement. Inside it was eerily quiet. Although she did not usually frighten easily, Yuffie was bricking it now. She had never really liked damp, dark and coldly confined spaces, and this was no exception.

A noise suddenly echoed through the basement. Yuffie jumped and let out a little yelp.

"Who's there?!" she cried, her voice rather shaky. She stopped in her tracks.

"Uuuhhh…" came a mournful moan. Resisting the urge to scream, Yuffie quickly ran back up the stairs.

"Barret!" she screamed, as she ran to his bedroom. Kicking the door down, she jumped into his room without waiting for a response. "Barret!" she screamed again, this time stopping dead in her tracks once more. Coughing with embarrassment, Yuffie looked away at the sight of Cid and Barret passed out in each other's arms on the floor, naked. "Never mind… I'll get Cloud." She cackled, leaving the room.

"Cloud!" Yuffie screamed. She eventually found him in the drawing room with Yuffie and Red XIII. "Cloud!"

"God, pipe down." Tifa spat. "I've got a fucking migraine."

Yuffie looked at her in disbelief. "Don't complain to me, bitch. It's not my fault you drank more than Aeris' mother during pregnancy, and I _don't _mean semen."

"You fucking bitch!" Tifa squealed, her face turning bright red as she jumped over to Yuffie and grabbed her, pushing her down to the floor. Another fight began.

Kicking Tifa in the stomach, Yuffie weakly protected her face as her opponent ruthlessly headbutted her several times. Despite the pain, blood and sinew, Yuffie continued to kick Tifa repeatedly in the stomach. Tifa, unable to stand any more, kneed Yuffie in the vagina as she vomited last night's dinner all over Yuffie's face.

"Oh, gross!" Cloud burst out laughing. "I was turned on until that point."

In disgust, Yuffie threw Tifa off her and wiped her face clean, vomiting herself – all over the expensive Persian rug.

"You little bitch…" Yuffie spat, blood pouring from every orifice.

"You'll regret that…" Tifa whispered, rolling on her back and holding her stomach.

"Anyway, what was it you wanted anyway, Yuffie?" Cloud asked, as he continued flicking through Aeris' diary for clues.

"There's… *cough*… something it the basement…."

"Really?" he replied.

"Really."

"We'd better check it out." Red XIII piped in, rushing towards the basement. Cloud followed on after. Yuffie and Tifa remained on the floor.

In the basement, Cloud and Red XIII could not expect what they would find… lain beside the barrels of wine was Cait Sith, unconscious next to a few empty bottles and alongside him the corpse of Aeris that had gone missing the night before. Placed firmly in his hand was an axe covered in blood. He was attempting to dismember the body in a pathetic attempt of concealment. There could be no mistake. Cait Sith was the murderer.


End file.

Final Fantasy VII, Humor, Parody