Once and Again CAN'T STOP

Hey, you people. How's it going?? Well, I know that some of you are wondering why I haven't updated "WHERE DO WE STAND", well, it's just that. I was kinda blocked, you know? So, to warm myself up I decided to write songfics until I feel I'm ready to get back writing "WHERE DO WE STAND" (it's going to take much longer, I promise you). Well, this is a brasilian song. At the right moment that I heard it I thought of Eli and Grace, so. It's not a masterpice but I hope you like.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
  
  
*If I tried to make believe  
  
Then everything would be  
  
A good reason for me to give up.*  
  
  
  
She was sitting on her bed, blankly staring at the unwritten pages of her journal. Her mind was roaming through her deepest thoughts, it was lost in her bittersweet memories., memories of him., memories of her., of them., memories of her sweetest dreams, memories of all that might had been.  
  
  
  
*If I had to let you know  
  
Then everything would be in vain  
  
All that I've suffered for.*  
  
  
  
If only she had the guts to tell him the truth. If only she was brave enough to let him know that he is the reason why she's still breathing. . She heavily sighed, closing her lids as tight as she could, silently praying that the vision of his beautiful tempting face would fade away so she could just have a good night of sleep.  
  
  
  
*I have tried to forget  
  
Pretend it isn't so  
  
That it'd maybe fade away with time.*  
  
  
  
Causeless., her attempting in trying to forget him only for one night was causeless. useless. *Who am I trying to fool here, anyway?*, she mentally reminded herself. She knew that nothing in the 'cookie-cutter' world that lived would make her hate him or forget him or even love him less. Not even Mr. Dimitri achieved that miracle. not even Dimitri.  
  
Grace knew, somehow, in her heart, at the very first time she laid eyes on him that Eli was different, that he was not just another pretty face. Somehow, she knew that he was one of a kind. unique like herself. She knew that he kept something inside his heart., a mystery., a secret., something so incredibly beautiful that he locked within and let no one to get to know it. And that simple fact made her want to be the one. the one he would reveal to, the purity and true beauty of his heart and soul.  
  
  
  
*But nothing's changed  
  
I can't let them know  
  
How much I think  
  
And feel for you.*  
  
  
  
But unfortunately or fortunately, life had decided to play a trick on her, on both of them and all of her dreams were stolen away. they were torn apart. but they were never forgotten. So, in spite of their very bizarre, even uncomfortable situation, times and times she truly believed that everything would be okay because she believed that he felt the same. Times and times she thought it was all one big illusion because she believed that she was invisible to his eyes. Times and times she just wanted to forget about everything, forget about her mother, his father. forget about all that surrounded her and simply scream out loud that he had stolen her heart and that he had her soul spinning within his hands. But she wouldn't do such a thing. how could she? Things were already complicated enough and besides, she was supposed to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girl. flawless. So what else she could but conceal all of her feelings inside of her and try to let him go. . But after all the time that had passed she found herself even more lost into him than she was before.  
  
  
  
*And nothing's changed  
  
I'm afraid to let you know  
  
That you without you here by my side  
  
My days are all the same.*  
  
  
  
So, it was true. Time had passed and she still felt the same or her feelings had grown stronger; she wasn't quite sure of that. All that she knew for sure was that she had got to know him better and he had go to know her better too. and to her, Eli had turned out to be even more mysteriously beautiful that she thought he would. and it only tied her heart to him tighter. "What the hell do we mean to each other?", she half-angrily, half- desperately got out, throwing her journal on the floor. She heavily sighed again, frowns of worry and pain had deformed her angelic face. How bad she wished she could ask him what all of that meant. She wanted to know what all they had been through, all the secrets that they secretly shared, all the unsaid words that were left hanging in the air. . all those exchanged glances. . all. . all of that meant. But the fear of casting him out by letting him know the true colors of her feelings wouldn't allow her to.  
  
  
  
*Just can't stop thinking of you.*  
  
  
  
Grace blinded herself with a bitter laughter right then. She knew that that would be one of those nights where all she would be able to do was miserably failing to remember to forget him.  
  
  
  
*And even if you tried  
  
You'd never be able to see  
  
Why so many times I've cried.*  
  
  
  
After hours begging for the sleep to come, Grace finally felt that it'd had. She was almost falling into that so wanted slumber when she was brought back to her senses by a low noise in her room., a noise that only her ear could get. She scared-abruptly sat back on her bed, opening her eyes. . she blinked a few times then she saw him there, standing next to her doorway. "I'm- I'm- I'm sorry, Grace. I didn't mean to scare you.", Eli whispered, sweet-deeply staring at her. She was speechless to say the least. stunned. She didn't expect him to sneak into her room like that, specially after all that had happened. . but it was a good surprise though. . . He slowly stepped closer then took a seat next to her. Looking deeply into her eyes, he hummed, "I'm here because. I was worried. You were kinda . too quiet during the dinner. you looked. sad, so. Is there anything wrong? I know things between us might not seem the same or that we haven't talked much lately but I'm still here for you. You know you can tell me anything, Grace, don't you? You can. You can tell me anything. anything.". With those words of his, Grace felt as if her heart was being stroke by a sharp knife because all that she ever really wanted to tell him was exactly what she most feared that he wouldn't be able to understand.  
  
  
  
*But if I could only dream  
  
With a perfect day for me  
  
Would the day you'd want me  
  
  
  
I have tried to forget  
  
Pretend it isn't so  
  
That it'd maybe fade away with time.*  
  
  
  
But he was there, wasn't he? He was there, looking into her eyes, saying that he cared. that she could trust him, saying that nothing had changed. He was there because of her and for her.  
  
  
  
*But nothing's changed  
  
I can't let them know  
  
How much I think  
  
And feel for you  
  
  
  
And nothing's changed  
  
I'm afraid to let you know  
  
That without you here by my side  
  
My days are all the same.*  
  
  
  
"What is it, Grace?", he whispered again, now touching her hand. She did nothing but lowered her eyes and kept them fixed on their held up tight hands. "Grace? Grace?", he softly asked, noticing that she had fallen into some kind of a trance.  
  
  
  
*Just can't stop thinking of you  
  
Just can't stop thinking of you.*  
  
  
  
Lifting her eyes, for a moment, Grace thought of telling him everything and with that, finally end up with her misery. But she was moved by reason. it made her remember all the stupid things that she had done because of Dimitri and all those stupid things that he had done because of Carla, the pot, the job and everything. She did not know how he was going to react if she told him that she loved him. She knew how she expected him to but that wasn't enough. So, again she silented herself, she couldn't risk to lose her mother's trust again. . she couldn't risk to lose what they had. . . she couldn't risk to lose that crazy, completely confusing but wonderful connection between them.  
  
  
  
*I have tried to forget  
  
Pretend it isn't so  
  
That it'd maybe fade away with time.*  
  
  
  
She ashamedly freed her hand from his then pulled back, sitting a little more afar from him. She was blinding herself again. she was make believing that the urge she felt inside to kiss him would disappear and for the first time in her life she would be able to act like a step-sister was supposed to.  
  
  
  
*Can't fool myself with lies.*  
  
  
  
Again, her trying to fool her truest feelings failed and for an instant she felt sanity slipping out of her brain. So, slowly she began to lean in., she bit her bottom lip, not caring if that action would change them forever. . she had to taste him, she had to give in to her desires. . and when they were only a few inches apart, when Grace was able to feel his breath mixing to hers. when her dream was about to came true. . . Eli pulled away.  
  
  
  
*'Cause nothing's changed  
  
I'm afraid to let you know.*  
  
  
  
Rejected. she was rejected. Tears began to spring from her eyes but she bravely held them back then she watched Eli standing again, with his eyes fixed on the floor, "Why are you really here, Eli? Why?", she wanted, needed answers because all of those twisted emotions were eating her up from inside.  
  
  
  
*No, nothing's changed  
  
I'm afraid to let you know.*  
  
  
  
"I said it already.", he only mumbled under his breath, lifting his eyes to meet hers. "I want to know what's going on with you.". Grace snorted, nodding her head in disbelief then she said, "I can't tell you what you wanna know. I can't."  
  
  
  
*Just can't stop thinking of you.*  
  
  
  
"I can't tell you, Eli., at least not until you tell me the real reason that brought you here tonight. . Tell me, Eli. Tell me.", she sort of demanded but Eli didn't answer, he only stood there, watching a single tear escape from her lonely big brown eyes. as she waited for him to say something.  
  
"Good night, Grace.", Eli barely managed to speak those words out then he slowly turned around and left the room. At the moment Eli closed the door, Grace allowed the river of tears that she was holding back within her eyes to fall. she silently cried. And as for Eli, well, he was standing outside in the hall, looking at the closed door then he whispered to himself the words that were choking in his throat, "I'm here 'cause I need you, Grace. I need you. I had to see you because I just can't. I just can't stop thinking of you. I just can't stop. I can't stop thinking of you.", and with that his tears were released too.  
  
  
  
*Just can't stop thinking of you.* 


End file.

Once and Again, Romance