Once and Again 1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note:**_ I own no part of Once and Again and I own no part of the song Someone Still Believes in You by Mary Beth Maziarz. I love the song and since I don't make vids, I do the next best thing with the song! I simply enjoy both and add my own little twist. This fic takes place after the Gardenia episode and I suppose during Falling into Place. These are some of the Black and Whites and other scenes I thought could happen, should have happened,or maybe wished would happen. Thank you for reading and I hope yall enjoy!

**_Take me to heart here  
Have I ever done you wrong?  
If I have, I'm sorry  
I want you to know  
That whatever's going on  
I love you  
But I'm worried  
Cause I remember when your spirit shone  
Smiling you'd light up a room  
Lately you move in shadows  
But know that someone still believes in you_**

Rick sat beside the hospital bed in an uncomfortable chair watching his ex-wife fight for her life, harsh white sheets surrounding her bruised and battered body. As he stared at her, he hoped in his heart she was truly fighting, that she wouldn't completely give up, that she would remember those in her life that loved her so much. Over the years, he hadn't always been there for her as she'd needed and now he wanted, needed her to know he had loved her then and a part of him would always love her.

_Rick B&W_

_"Karen was so full of life when we met. I fell in love with her smile every time it lit up her beautiful face." He sighs and wipes his eyes with his hands. "I should have been there for her. Jessie asked me and I said I'd be there for her mom but was I really there for her each time she needed me? Had I forgotten how deeply she hurts? Was I so careless that I didn't care what my love for Lily might do to her, being forced to see it day after day? I didn't do anything to stop the whispers about our lives. I'm here for her now. I'll be there for her through this…through all of this."_

Karen stirred in her bed and they talked. Rick held her hand and it was as soft as he remembered it to be all those years ago. He would make certain Karen always knew he would be there for her.

_Rick B&W_

_"I had to ask her. I didn't want to, and I hated needing to ask. I just wanted to make sure she didn't…that it wasn't something she…my god I can't even say the words." He takes a deep breath and looks up. "What would I have done…what could I possibly have said if Karen answered yes? What if she'd said she meant to step in front of that car?" He looks directly into the camera with tears in his eyes. _

**_You must be so sad  
To be pushing us away  
What makes you so mad and jaded?_**

_Jessie B&W _

_"I had to buy the shirt. I didn't want the words floating around in her mind while she's alone in that horrible hospital bed…alone in that room…thinking that I didn't care what she thought or how she felt. She's my mom and she's lying there in this cold uncomfortable bed, IVs sticking out of her, bandages all over her, barely able to speak…she's in so much pain. It's breaking my heart watching her suffer and there is this part of me that knows she's better today than she was a week ago when she was walking around healthy. I love her so much. She's my mommy. She's taken care of me and watched me grow and now I wonder…is it my turn to watch her grow? Is it my turn to take care of her? Is it my turn to keep telling her she's loved, telling her she's beautiful in every way and that we all need her so much? I can not lose her." _

Jessiesat in the chair and watched as her mother slept. Jessie knew it was the medication they had her on that kept her sleeping but she wanted her mom awake and talking to her. There were so many questions she wanted to ask but knew she was afraid of the answers. There were so many things she wanted her to know and was afraid she would never have the chance to tell her and yet she couldn't find the courage to say the words. Instead, she sat in the hard, cold chair staring at her mom, willing her to get well, praying she'd find happiness and that the two of them could share their laughter once again. Jessie never wanted to leave her side again. She always wanted to be there for her mom, reminding her every day how much she loves her.

"Jess, it's time to go. You need to go home and get some sleep." Lily stood in the hall and instead of arguing like she'd done so many times before, Jessie agreed. She picked up her things, walked to her mother's bed and kissed her forehead, careful not to wake her and slowly she left her mom's room.

**_You're still so young  
Please don't give up like this  
We need you around  
And you seem to be fading_**

As far as Eli was concerned, the walk to his mother's hospital room took an eternity. He hated hospitals but even more, he hated the fact his mother's accident was the reason he was visiting the hospital in the first place. Each step he took closer to her room tore off another tiny piece of his heart. She's his mother and yet, Eli couldn't honestly say that she would have any reason to want to see him right now.

_Eli B&W_

_He's pacing in the dark. "I was horrible to her. Mom isn't going to want to see me. I wouldn't want to see me if I were in her place. I never should have said what I said. I never should have treated her that way. I should have reacted differently. I should have listened. I shouldn't have fought her so much. I shouldn't have yelled at her." He stops pacing. "Why am I trying to do the 'should have', 'would have', and 'could haves'? I know what happened has happened and no matter what I want, there is nothing I can ever do to change it. I screwed up again. I don't know how to fix it or how I can help Mom."_

Eli sees the doorway to his mother's hospital room. Hands in his pockets, he walks closer and stops on the other side of the door so he can see her, not knowing if she was awake and terrified to enter. Karen slowly turns toward the sound in the hall and struggles to whisper one simple emotion filled word. "Eli." He didn't know what to do.

_Eli B&W_

_While continuing to pace around the room, he speaks. "Mom hasn't been truly happy in a long time. I don't even think we could blame Dad or Lily. The light left her soul ages ago. She would pretend and for a long time I believed. I am her son and I wanted to believe in her happiness. Now I know what it is to look in someone's eyes and see true joy. I haven't seen that true joy in Mom's eyes in a long time. Now she's in that bed so helpless and…" He stops, sits on a stool, and wipes tears from his eyes. "She's got too much life left to live. I can't lose her. We need her." He sighs. "God I need my mom so much and she just doesn't know."_


	2. Learing to live and love again

**_Someone Still Believes in You_**

_**Disclaimer: **_I own no part of Once and Again and I own no part of the song Someone Still Believes in You by Mary Beth Maziarz. I love the song and since I don't make vids, I do the next best thing with the song! I simply enjoy both and add my own little twist.

_**Author's Note:**_ I posted the first part ages ago and I'm finally getting around to reworking and posting the second part. This fic takes place after the Gardenia episode in season three and I suppose also during Falling into Place. These are some of the Black and Whites and other scenes I thought could happen, should have happened, or maybe wished would happen during the episode. Thank you for reading and I hope yall enjoy!**_  
_**

**_  
_****_Cause I remember when your spirit shone  
_****_Smiling you'd light up a room  
_****_Lately you move in angry shadows  
_****_Please know someone still believes in you_**

_Rick B&W_

_He's sitting in chair looking thoughtfully into the camera. "The kids need her so much still. In an odd way, I still need her. She was my wife. I shared a large chunk of my life with her, how could I forget that so easily?Karen has been walking around and going through the motions but there was no feeling there, no emotion, and too much anger. She was angry with all of us and I was too blind to see it. She had every right to be angry with so many things in her life. I know she's got the strength left to fight through this…to fight her way back to all of us…to be the mom, the woman she once was without the anger and hurt and resentment. I have faith in her and I wish I knew how to tell her without it sounding forced, as though I'm only saying the words to make her better. I truly believe she'll be okay. I truly believe she's got the strength to recover completely from everything._

**_Maybe you're fighting secret battles  
_****_Maybe you're disappointed with your hand  
_****_If I could help you find a ladder up  
_**_**From the depths you're in  
****Let me in**_

Lily went to the hospital alone. She had to see Karen and she didn't want anyone else around. However, she had no idea if Karen would want to see her.

_B&W_

_Stares into the darkness. "So many things I could have handled so very differently. None of it could have ever been easy no matter what any of us did. From the beginning there were so many mistakes."_

She stepped into the doorway and took a deep breath. Lily looked at Karen and thought she was asleep. As she turned to leave she heard Karen whisper her name.

"Hi" was all she said.

"Hey" was the answer she received.

Lily walked into the room, took off her jacket, and laid it across one of the chairs. "Wait, I should ask if you mind my being here before I take my coat off and get comfortable.

_B&W_

_"Oh my god could I be more insensitive? She's in that bed in so much pain and what am I even doing here? She's my husband's ex-wife and what right do I possibly have to be here?" Sitting in a chair she leans back and wipes tears from her eyes. "I care, I really do. I hate seeing her like this. I hate what's happened to her. It breaks my heart to see everything she's going through and all the things yet to come that she'll have to endure. She needs people around that love her. I need her to know I'll do everything I can to make sure her kids…and Rick…are there for her; in any way she might need them. I will not keep them from her or her recovery. Now how could I possibly tell her all these things and not have her think I'm the horrible woman she's known all this time."_

Karen managed a small smile. "Sit." She took as deep a breath as she could and cleared her throat. "I don't hate you anymore."

Lily was surprised. "What?" She paused for an instant; surprised that Karen chose to begin with that statement. "Really?"

Karen closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. "Not anymore. Oh, I did, don't get me wrong, I definitely hated you. Maybe I hated the fact that you made Rick happier than I ever had and my kids liked you and maybe I never really hated you, just everything you were in my family's life that I never was. You took over. You had the moments with them that I used to have and they didn't need me anymore." She coughed and grimaced.

"Here, some water." Lily handed her some water and Karen mumbled a thank you. "And you're wrong. Those two beautiful kids of yours are the people they are simply because of you and Rick and the amazing job you did raising them. I had nothing to do with making them the people they are today. That was all you Karen. I have to thank you for allowing me to have them in my life." She paused and took a deep breath. "Is there anything you need? Anything you want me to do for you? I…I…" She didn't know what else to say or how to explain the jumbled thoughts floating around in her head.

"Take care of my kids. Let them see me whenever they want. Don't let them blame themselves." Tears formed in Karen's eyes. "It was all a horrible accident. I was feeling better you know. Hadn't felt as good in months and I was smiling…a genuine smile right before it happened." She sighed. "I'm worried about Jess."

"I know. I am too. She was worried about you. Rick did the best he could to convince her you would be fine and then…the accident. I wasn't sure what to do Karen. She hated me for wanting to be close to her, for trying to be close to her and helping her. I'm okay with that. I'll let her hate me as long as she needs to as long as it will help her in some way." Lily looked into Karen's eyes and felt tears in her own eyes.

_Lily B&W_

_She's sitting on a stool with a stand beside her. On the stand is a box of tissues. Lily reaches over and grabs a tissue and wipes her eyes. "What right do I have to cry? I can stand up and walk out of this room and go home to my husband and my kids. Karen's kids. I should not be crying."_

Karen managed another smile. "She doesn't hate you either. She might hate the fact that she can't hate you as a person because she wants so much to hate you, to be angry with you, to blame you for everything, but I know her and deep down she does not hate you."

"She's so beautiful, inside and out."

"Yes she is. So is Eli. He came to see me. I wasn't sure he would come after everything that happened. After all the things we said to one another." More tears came to Karen's eyes and Lily took her hand.

"Shh, it's okay. He loves you, I know he does. He worries so much about what you'll think of him and he wants to do everything perfectly, and make the right decisions to make you proud. He wants so much to make you proud of him and no matter what you will ever say or do, I'm afraid he's the type that won't truly believe." Lily looked at Karen and could see frustration in her eyes as they spoke of Eli.

Lily left not long after and as she walked out the door, she heard a faint "thank you" from Karen. Turning, she softly spoke. "I should be thanking you for letting me sit with you. Sweet dreams Karen. I'll bring Jessie in later. Bye."

"Bye Lily." Lily closed the door as Karen closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

**_Every day I'm praying for you  
_****_For some kind of love again  
_****_To open your eyes_**

Karen had just finished her physical therapy session with Henry when Judy arrived. He walked out the door and Judy smiled at him. She was still smiling as she sat beside Karen's bed.

"Hey. Feeling any better?"

"No. Now I'm exhausted and that man doesn't even care. He pushes and pushes and he's rather obnoxious as he's grabbing my legs and yanking them all over the place." Karen sighed.

"He's cute."

"I'm complaining and all you can say is that he's cute?" She thought a moment and added "no, he actually isn't cute at all."

Judy smiled. "I'm here to take your mind off everything. And yes he is. There are some handsome doctors around here too. Karen, this is the perfect time for you to completely start over. This really is the perfect opportunity for a brand new start on life. Don't look at me that way Karen Sammler. You're going to get your butt up out of that bed, walk down that hall, out that door, and live again. It's high time you stop hiding and open your eyes to all the beauty around you. I know, I'm learning that myself. Life isn't nearly as deplorable as I once thought it could be. Ugh, I sound like a shrink don't I? I need to stay away from our self help section."

"Yes you do. Burn them all…either that or stay away from me after you've read them. Do you really think he's handsome?" Karen looked at Judy.

"Henry?" Karen nodded and Judy continued. "Yes, he is."

"Why do I need a man in my life?"

"You don't. No woman needs a man to survive. They just make life a little more fun and a lot more bearable sometimes. Although, they can make life a hell of a lot more confusing." Judy smiled warmly at her friend wondering how they'd become so close when they'd met in such an unconventional way.

The two discussed men and life. They talked of love and Karen tried to remember what it was like to truly laugh. She'd spent so much time worrying and feeling sorry for herself that she forgot how to live. She smiled realizing Judy was absolutely correct. As horrible as her situation is now, it truly is the perfect chance to start all over. Her fresh new start with her fresh new outlook on her life.

**_Keep yourself safe  
_****_I'm coming home soon  
_****_And I wanna recognize you there_**

He walked down the hall and heard laughter. His mom would be released in a day or so and he wanted to make certain she still wanted him to take her home and stay with her. As he got closer to her door, he realized the laughter was coming from his mom and he smiled. "Hey Mom. You look better."

"Hi E. Yes, I think I am. Still hurts, and I'm still slow, but I'm getting better each and every day." Karen said with pride.

Eli knew it was more than her wounds healing. Her heart was healing. She was getting back to her old self…but better. A million times better. He looked at his mother and he was shocked to see her eyes. Joy. There was finally joy in her eyes. He walked to her and gently gave her a hug. "It's great to see you Mom." He knew those words had a deeper meaning and in his heart he realized his mom knew it as well. She would be okay. They would all be okay.

**_Cause I remember you from way back when  
_****_When life seemed brighter and your smile did too  
_****_You have the power to bring it back again  
_****_I'm someone who is not giving up on you  
_****_Cause I remember when your spirit shone  
_****_Smiling you'd light up a room  
_****_Lately you might move in shadows  
_****_But please know that someone still believes in you  
_****_Someone still believes in you…_**

He'd been visiting her off and on since she'd returned home from the hospital. Rick saw the life slowly come back into her eyes. He saw her healing on the outside as well as on the inside. She was becoming the woman she once was…yet there was something different. Something better, stronger. The light was back in her eyes. He stood at her front door and heard laughter. Karen's laughter. He smiled. She was going to be okay and he no longer needed to protect her. Rick always believed someday she'd be okay and he now realized that day was closer than any of them had ever imagined just a few months ago.

_Rick B&W_

_He is sitting on a stool smiling. "She's going to be okay. I see Karen growing stronger every day. She and Eli were talking and laughing the other day. The two of them. They were laughing. It had been so long since I'd heard either of them really laugh and each time I look into Karen's eyes these days I see the light. I see the joy in her eyes. She stillhas a long way to go of course and she still needs all of us." His smile broadens. "Just like we all need her in our lives." Sighing, he looks off to the side, the smile remaining._


End file.

Once and Again, Drama