Final Fantasy VII Finishing for Stars

**FINISHING FOR STARS  
**EDITION ONE - REVISED 

_**By Aeris**_

**_A/N: Well, my first real fic is finally up! This one's a revision of my very first fanfic ever. The first one sucked. This one doesn't! Wow! Oh, and by the way, X-treme's and my website is up! Visit it today at FanficHQ.com! We worked very hard on it. So visit it now! (You can read this fic there, too.) _**

**_Oh, by the way, this fanfic's a humor fanfic, but it isn't in play format. Just stick with it, and it'll deliver the goods, hopefully. WARNING: This fic IS pretty stupid, but that's okay, because it's funny. Enjoy!_**

It was a quiet evening in Kalm. There was not a sound except for the whistling wind and the distant howling of Nibel wolves in the mountains. The lights were flickering on and off in the cities around the continent, until finally not a light was lit and every soul, including the mountainous Nibel wolves, was asleep.

Almost every soul. Inside the earth, the two remaining creatures of a species known as X-tagen were in their home. Their names were X-treme and X-temper, and they were twins, both 170 years of age, which was really the equivalent of seventeen human years.

X-treme bounded around Krator, the X-tagens' home, and he was quite energetic, sure as ever that nobody was awake except for him and his brother. But he wasn't sure of that for long. He heard a sound . . . what was it? Sort of a faint whimper, at least he thought; it had also sounded like a thump, strangely enough.

"I think I heard something," X-treme called to X-temper. His brother looked back to him, regarding him with eyes narrowed in both suspicion and annoyance. X-temper loved conducting science experiments, but his habits were often dangerous or just vicious — and hated by humanity. X-temper had resolved to work only at night when all souls were asleep.

"What are you talking about?" X-temper hissed. "No one's awake, and you know that."

X-treme shrugged, dragged his feet with six-inch claws, and fell onto a chair. His green, spiked collar was flashing, the lights gleaming off the silver studs that shot out from the hard green band around his neck. X-treme whipped his smooth, soft tail around and stared at it, with nothing better to do.

But they had been wrong. Above ground, there were souls awake . . . Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart were still up, inside Cloud's room. Cloud sat on his bed, reading a book and sighing. Tifa sat on a chair in the corner of the room, next to the dim lamp that lit the room. She wanted to ask Cloud a question . . . a question . . . but this question would give away all her inner feelings for Cloud, and she didn't want to face rejection, lest it be the response she received.

She glanced out the window at the chocobo that Cloud and she had bred. _I wish Cloud and I had bred,_ she thought, smiling flirtatiously at Cloud. Realising the meaning of what she had just imagined, she blushed wildly and turned away quickly before her smile gave her away, trying not to think about what she wished she could do in that king-sized bed Cloud sat on.

Even more souls moved — and yes, just souls — in the crystalline city of the Ancients. The wind whistled through the underwater kingdom where the tragic death of Aeris had occurred. And suddenly. . . .

"DAMMIT!"

A ghostly voice . . . the silence was shattered, replaced by the cursing of this new voice.

"I wish I had a body! Damn, damn, _damn!"_

It couldn't be . . . but it was. The spirit of Aeris was alive in the ancient city, whipping to and fro, wishing for her body and for her living lover, who was head over heels for "that slut" Tifa.

"It's not my fault I don't have three-foot circumference breasts," she had been known to mumble as she thought about Cloud. "Oh, Cloud, where can I find you . . .?"

She sighed, setting out on a wild search for her lost lover and continued to search till dawn, when the X-tagens stopped their experiments and Barret and Cid left the house to work on their new space shuttle.

They didn't get along too well when they were tired and crabby, so this morning was no exception, the curses floating back and forth between the two of them while Shera watched patiently.

"*$@*$&!" exclaimed Barret. "You're doing it wrong!"

"Just shut the _hell_ up, Barret!" Cid hissed.

"Just _go to hell, _Cid!" Barret shouted back.

"Another normal day," Shera sighed, walking inside to prepare tea and saddle up her gold chocobo. "Just another normal day."

It was a standard morning at Elmyra's house as well, as each member of AVALANCHE rose. Red XIII was the first one up, stalking into the kitchen to aid Elmyra in the cooking. Yuffie was next, crawling into the room, squawking orders for her breakfast.

Red XIII laid a bowl in front of her full of colourful little shapes and letter-shaped toasted oats. "Enjoy."

"What the . . . ?" Yuffie began, but broke off as she dug into her cereal and chewed.

Cait Sith slunk into the room, yawning and falling into a chair at the table. Red XIII placed a bowl of the cereal he had given Yuffie in front of Cait Sith. Cait glanced down at it and back up at Red.

"What the heck is this?" he said blankly and sleepily, his eyes only half-open.

"It's Lucky Charms," Red XIII replied expressionlessly.

Cait Sith chewed, and Elmyra mumbled.

Vincent walked in, clean as a whistle and wide awake, and seated himself in a chair at the table.

"Bacon, eggs, and lucky charms," he declared.

Just then, Tifa awoke to find herself lying next to a mass of warmth. And spikes.

"What the . . . ?" she murmured, and then suddenly realised just who it was. "Oh, good morning, Cloud."

"Tifa?" Cloud rolled over and found himself face-to-face with Tifa. "How the heck did you get there?"

"Never mind how I got here," Tifa replied, sitting up.

Cloud, in confusion, nodded and walked away to dress. Tifa smiled at him and left the room to go eat breakfast with the rest.

Upon seating herself, she looked at the bowl Red XIII placed in front of her. In it was a gummy substance that reminded her somewhat of tapioca pudding and somewhat of brains. Slowly she dipped a finger into the mixture and licked it. The taste was unidentifiable, and she raised an eyebrow. But she liked it and, since she had no spoon, she began to eat it with her fingers, tossing it into her mouth and swallowing before lifting another handful.

But suddenly she noticed something wasn't right. There was an odd feeling in her throat . . . she couldn't breathe! Wildly she began to cough, attempting to hack whatever was in her throat up, and failed. About then Cloud entered the room, and seeing her choking desperately on something caused him to run up and begin the Heimlich maneuver. At last the object gave way and a bowl flew out of Tifa's mouth, konking Cait Sith right off his mog onto the floor and ricocheting to hit Yuffie in the head and knock her unconscious.

No one cared, however, about Yuffie. Everyone thought she was a stupid bitch anyway and got back to eating his or her cereal.

"Are you all right?" Cloud asked Tifa, who was still shaken from her indelicate consumption of the bowl.

"Y-yeah, Cloud, I'm fine," she replied. Her throat was aching from the size of the bowl.

"Next time," said Red XIII, "eat more slowly—and with a spoon."

She nodded and gasped for air, then sat down in a chair in the living room to wait for the others to finish eating. A few minutes later, Yuffie stood up shakily and dizzily. "What happened?" she asked in a very woozy tone. 

Then, as their bad luck this morning should have predicted, breakfast was cut short when a rock fell down from the sky and crashed through the roof. It landed on Yuffie's head and she fell down again. Everyone stared for a moment, then began eating again.

"Hey! What's this?" Tifa exclaimed, noticing a message tied to the rock. She lifted it and began to read it to the uninterested world saviour group that was consuming cereal and tapioca oatmeal.

"'Feel the wrath of that whom you have rejected!'" the note said. "'Soon, I shall unleash my fury onto the souls of the world and bring the destruction of both spirits and spirit energy!'"

"You think I give a @$(* if a dead person is destroyed?" Cid finally remarked with a shrug.

"Yeah!" the rest agreed, starting yet again to eat the oatmeal.

"But—this means that perhaps Aeris's soul will be lost to us forever!" Tifa argued.

Cloud stopped for a moment. His expression was solemn and sad. Then he shrugged. "It was already. There's nothing we can do about it now."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Tifa said cheerfully. "She's dead and there's _absolutely nothing_ we can do!"

"So have some more tapioca oatmeal!" Cait Sith said happily and handed her another bowl full of the same sticky substance Tifa had so inelegantly consumed earlier.

Suddenly one part of the message bore down on Tifa. "But if _spirit energy is_ destroyed—what will that bring?"

"It means that Sephiroth can't get anymore and he'll never become a god and the world will be saved," Cloud replied nonchalantly.

Tifa was silent. Then she began to eat her tapioca oatmeal with a spoon, praying she would not swallow the spoon next.

Cloud finished his meal and tossed the spoon toward the sink. Yuffie woke up then, standing up and blocking the spoon's path. She exclaimed a sound of pain and fell back onto the ground unconscious, and once again no one took heed.

After breakfast, everyone except the unconscious Yuffie went outside to get on their chocobos and begin the departure to the Highwind, parked not far from Midgar. No one suspected that Aeris was _not_ lost to them forever—if they would just believe. . . .

Back at the city of the ancients, Aeris continued her wild moping. _"Cloud! _Where are you?"

A voice inside her head whispered, "He is where your heart is. . . ."

Confused, she said, "So he's at the bottom of the Lake of the Ancients?"

The voice sighed in frustration, told her no, and left her alone to search for her beloved. The disillusioned spirit continued to wander the city when suddenly a shout caught her attention.

"Cloud? Could that be you?" she asked breathlessly.

_"HAHAHAHAHA! FINISHING FOR STARS!"_

"Uh, um, sorry, wrong number," she mumbled in confusion. It most certainly was not Cloud. She wasn't sure if she had been expecting it to be anyway, really. She began to walk away, but stopped dead in her tracks when the meaning of that bore down upon her. _Finishing for Stars? _And _that voice! _She had no idea how she knew the danger apparent in that exclamation she'd heard, or how she knew who it was, but she did. That voice . . . it could not possibly be _them . . . _could it? There was no way, though! But if it _were_ **him**. . . . What trouble would be unleashed upon the world if it _were?_ What dangers did he have planned now? If that were . . . _X-temper the X-tagen scientist!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey! _Get away from me!" X-treme shouted to X-temper, who was rapidly approaching him with a needle in hand. "What are you doing with that needle?"

"Silence, fool!" X-temper was impatient to take some of X-treme's blood to restore the health to the Nibel wolf he had so mercilessly and accidentally stolen most of the life from. He hadn't realised how severe the consequences of testing to see if spirit energy could be taken from a Nibel wolf would be, and now he had to keep his experiment alive by giving some much-needed blood. Well, how was he supposed to know that the needle would go all the way through the wolf's arm? And that was a good one hundred and forty milligrams of Suplecine wasted, too! "I need to borrow some of your blood."

"Why? I'm just a cute fuzzy X-tagen!"

"Joe is dying," X-temper explained irritably. "He's lost a lot of blood, and I need yours to keep him alive!"

X-treme shook his head and climbed on top of a bookcase. Laughing insanely at the ridiculous name for the experimental Nibel wolf, he dodged his brother's mad attempts to extract some blood from his arm and said, "Well, I need my blood to keep _me_ alive, too!" When he landed, he slid for a moment, then used his six-inch toe claws to hold onto the bookcase. He glanced at the surface he was standing on—it was covered in blood.

"Why don't you use this blood?" he asked angrily and dipped a finger in the slippery fluid. "It's just as good and plenty fresh!"

"Because it is not Nibel wolf blood!" X-temper answered. He glared up to X-treme at the top of the eight-foot tall bookcase. Unfortunately, he was only three feet tall and his tall yellow horns only added a foot to his height—leaving X-treme four more feet above him. Inwardly he cursed X-treme's ability to climb using those claws of his. X-temper was also unable to fly up at the time, for his wings had been temporarily injured by spilt recrodine, which had burnt like hell.

"So? My blood isn't Nibel wolf blood, either!" X-treme was indignant.

"Obviously you have done no research on our species!"

X-treme shrugged and crossed his arms. "I have too, you would be interested to know!"

X-temper ignored the comment and continued. "'X-tagens are believed to have evolved from the still-living Nibel wolves.'"

"Nonsense," X-treme interrupted.

"Just you hush," X-temper muttered. "It goes on: 'X-tagens and Nibel wolves share a blood type. X-tagens produce blood at a much higher rate than Nibel wolves, however. This is believed to be an adaptation X-tagens have acquired over time to help them survive the much tougher life that lasts much longer than that of the Nibel wolf.' You see, X-treme—our blood produces much faster than Nibel wolves', which means we have far more than enough to save the life of our dying experiment!"

"Excuse me. _Your_ dying experiment."

"You're part of it, too, X-treme."

"I am not."

"Yes you are."

"I'm no blood donor."

"Yes, X-treme, you _are!"_

"I am not. I'm not a guinea pig."

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not," X-treme insisted. "I'm an X-tagen."

"I suppose you're right," sighed an annoyed X-temper. "But you are also a part of this experiment."

"No, I'm not a mad-butt doctor."

X-temper's eyes widened. He could not believe what he just heard. "_What_ did you call me?"

"I called you a mad-butt doctor," replied X-treme nonchalantly.

"_WHAT_ did you just say?"

"I said you're a mad-butt doctor."

"No, _WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"_

X-treme looked at him with shock. "Are you dense? I said, 'My brother X-temper is a mad-bu—_owch! _What the hell are you doing?"

"That's what you get for calling me that."

"AAAHHH! OUCH!"

"Thanks, X-treme," said X-temper contentedly. "Do this tomorrow and I'll give you an X-tagen toy."

X-treme felt ready to kill him—or at the very least gore him with his long horns. He watched X-temper walk away with a full bottle of _his_ blood. That was _his_blood—_his!_ X-temper had no right to steal it and give it to that blasted wolf! Why, Nibel wolves could be found anywhere! Sure, the other one wouldn't have two hundred sixty milligrams of Suplecine injected into his bloodstream, but if Joe had _really_ lost so much blood, then surely all that Suplecine would be gone by then! And one of X-temper's shots could easily replace that amount of Suplecine _and_ the recrodine required for the experiment. And the corsinic could still work even if Joe had lost a gallon of blood. He really ought to jump off this bookcase and stab X-temper through the stomach and into the wall. . . .

That gave him a _brilliant_ idea.

"I hate you," he shouted.

"I know, X-treme." _One, two..._ "But you really can't do anything about it." _Three... Go!_ "I advise you to—  
OWOWOWOWOWOWOWGETHIMOFFMEGETHIMOFFMEGETHIMOFFMEGETHIMOFFMEGETHIMOFFME!"

An unsuspecting X-temper was suddenly assaulted by a flying X-treme. "That's what you get for stealing my hard-earned blood!"

"GET YOUR BLOODY CLAWS OFF MY HEAD THIS INSTANT, YOU DOLT!"

"Hey, you called me a dolt!" X-treme observed in a strange tone. "A mad-butt doctor like you called me a dolt! Isn't that out of your _scientific vocabulary?"_

"Shut up and get your claws _off me!"_

X-treme obeyed after a few more satisfying screams of pain from his twin. X-temper let out a sigh of relief upon his release, free of the excrutiating pain.

No one above ground knew what was going on below them.

Above ground, Cloud's party was traveling toward the Highwind when suddenly Red XIII's happy exclamation caused them all to stop and turn to see what was causing the excitement. The sight that met their eyes surprised them all. There was another of Red XIII's species walking up to Red's chocobo! This one was grey, however, with two blue eyes—unlike Red XIII, painfully lacking one eye. He also did not have any tattoos or nearly as many battle scars as Red XIII. But Red seemed to know him, for he shouted, "Aero!"

"Nanaki!" the other confirmed.

"Aero?" Cid repeated.

"That is my name," the new Nanaki replied. "I am Aero Retanae."

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" Red XIII was grinning at Aero.

"Indeed," Aero nodded.

"What the hell is this?" Cid asked Barret.

Aero turned to Cid gravely, his fur suddenly standing on end. "Please, sir, don't curse; it makes my fur stand up."

"@*$^ your fur!" Cid snapped. Suddenly he winced. "Ouch! What the hell"—again he made a sound of pain, pulling his hand back—"is this?"

"When you swear," Aero explained slowly, "my fur stands up—and usually emits a shock of static electricity. I advise you not to curse—some of these static bolts can be painful, as you have noticed."

"@#$&ing calm, aren't ya?" Cid growled, receiving yet another bolt and finally deciding not to curse before Aero. Mumbling, he walked to Barret. "What the hell is this? My salvation?" he whispered, pointing to Aero.

"He ain't gonna make me stop @$&# cursing!" Barret proclaimed—and quickly felt the pain of the static.

Aero sighed. "Shall we be going on our way? I suppose you have somewhere to be."

Cid and Barret waved off his comment and mounted their chocobos. "Yeah, yeah. But who invited you?"

"Nanaki," Aero replied. "Now, do we have a moment to lose?"

"@*&$ you!" Cid snarled, only to be hit by static E soon after the words escaped his lips. "Ow!"

Aero shrugged. "I warned you, sir."

Cid began moving forward. "Just shut the—heck—up, Aero."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I am totally sick of this," Aeris muttered through her teeth, pacing the quarters of one of the buildings in the city. "All these voices mumbling _something_ about the Ancients—I am_ sick_ of it!" She gritted her ghostly teeth. "And they're telling me I can't get Cloud because I'm dead?"

"Oh, you can get him to like you—if he'll believe a _ghost,"_ the voice in her head said.

"I am _not _a ghost!" she exclaimed indignantly.

"Then what are you?"

A large pause.

"I'm an . . . uhhh . . . ummm . . . errr. . . _an ancient spirit."_

"Describe that."

"Ghosts of the Ancients are confined to one place," she said with determination. "But I'm a spirit—I can roam freely."

"You were special," the voice said softly, sounding rather as though murmuring that had made it sad. "You, unlike most of the Cetra, are not restricted to the Promised Land. . . ."

She was rendered silent, not understanding. What could that mean . . . ?  
  
  
  
  
  
AVALANCHE arrived at the Highwind, parked at Juno. The journey had been grueling for Cid and Barret, striving to keep their cursing down in effort to stop receiving the static shocks every time a curse word escaped their lips. They were relieved when they got off their chocobos and into the safety of the Highwind, where they could separate themselves from the blasted Aero.

"Here, Willy, take our chocobos," Cid called.

Cloud looked curiously at Cid. Then he noticed a fourteen-year-old boy coming out of the Highwind and nodding.

"Okay," the boy said. Cloud guessed that his name was Willy, judging from what Cid had called him. Willy glanced to the rest of them and said, "If you want to ride, you can ride inside. C'mon in."

"So who're you?" Cloud asked, letting Willy take the chocobos' reins.

"Willy," he answered. "I'm the new chocobo manager on this ship."

"Oh." Cloud nodded and then boarded the airship.  
  
  
  
  
  
Back at Krator, X-treme was running again from his crazed brother he had dubbed _Dr. "X-T,"_ sporting a shot to take some more of his unwilling donor's blood. He resorted to another tall bookcase, which was covered with another slippery liquid. X-temper had predicted this and had placed that there, but had forgotten one minor detail: X-treme could easily cling to the bookcase and avoid the slickness of the liquid by his toes.

But X-treme's luck was not to last.

One of his jumps was bad, and X-temper jumped high enough to grab his leg before X-treme could fly to the next bookcase. X-temper pricked X-treme's arm with the needle that he was certain was at least four inches long. He pulled it out, taking a good amount of his brother's blood with it.

"Good boy," he told him, handing him a squeaky toy.

It was then that X-treme decided that X-temper must die.  
  
  
  
  
  
On their way to Choco Billy's ranch, the group was forced to stop at Midgar to leave the Highwind for repairs and take the rest of the trip on chocoback. They stopped at Midgar for a few days, during which they met a young woman about Willy's age, at whom he stared for about five minutes before talking to in a very odd manner. Her name was Jackie, and she joined the party's chocobo team with the desire to travel about a lot. Of course, the predictable love story followed their meeting; but that is hardly relevant to the story being told.

That evening, Cloud's party set up camp near the Midgar mountains. Setting up a campfire, they cooked a dinner of hotdogs on a stick and then sat round the fire toasting marshmallows for dessert.

Cloud, sitting next to Tifa, whispered, "What do you think of that message?"

"What message?"

Cloud reached into his pocket and produced a sheet of paper. Tifa leant in to read it.

_"Aeris, this is your dearest Cloud! I love you! I want you! I think we should—"_

"Wrong message," Cloud mumbled, shoving it back into his pocket. He pulled out another.

Tifa read it aloud again. _"Dear diary, Tifa is a stupid bitch! I hate her, always cli—"_

"Umm, eh heh, let's get the _right_ note this time," said he, pulling that out of her view and pushing it into his other pocket. He produced yet another, which he read for himself before nodding and showing it to Tifa. "This one."

Tifa skimmed the note, then looked up at Cloud with fear in her eyes. "Oh, dear! I'd forgotten! The threat of spirit energy! But—but however could anybody do this?" she exclaimed. "There's no way to completely destroy spirit energy! Besides, why would anyone want to destroy spirit energy?"

Cloud glanced up at the ominous meteor over their heads, but instead of mentioning it, he merely said, "I don't know, Tifa. It's awfully strange, at least."

Tifa nodded. "But who could be behind this?"

Cloud shrugged, but Tifa answered for herself. "Maybe it's—Sephiroth!" she whispered threateningly.

Cloud shook his head. "No, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"No reason. It just strikes me as a little odd that someone who was trying to take over the world with spirit energy would be attempting to get revenge by destroying spirit energy."

Tifa scratched her head in confusion. "Why?"

"Never mind. Anyway, what do you think we should do?"

"Why, stop it, of course! There's no way we can let spirit energy be destroyed!" Tifa's voice carried enough emotion, but she also gestured frantically to support her point. She paid no heed when one her flying hands belted Cloud in the mouth. He fell over backward, but Tifa didn't notice.

He sat back up, rubbing his mouth painfully. "Uh . . . well . . . no, I don't suppose it doesn mean anything that by allowing spirit energy to be destroyed we're allowing this mad scientist to destroy the threat of a Sephiroth-controlled world. I wonder who's behind this madness?"

Tifa looked over the note again and again. "I don't know, but we'll find out! Come on, Cloud, we've got to find out who's behind this! I know we can do it!" Suddenly she paused. With an evil glint in her eyes, she glanced at Cloud and grinned. "And speaking of which. . . ."

Cloud swallowed hard, whimpering as the wild jungle Tifa dragged him away to her tent.

X-treme again was running around Krator, but this time it wasn't because he was trying to avoid his brother. Rather, he was running away from the result of a rather explosive failure of his brother's experiments. Didn't X-temper know better than to play with matches around a flask of mionite? That stuff was highly flammable! Honestly, for an X-tagen with an IQ of 3000, he should know better than that!

Unfortunately for X-treme, the fire had jumped up to the roof and broken a hole through the earth above them. Thinking that X-temper was a stupid @(#$&@#&$, X-treme chose the wrong place to sit in his rage. He sat there mumbling a few choice phrases in a foreign tongue about X-temper, which the author has chosen to censor even though none of the readers would be able to comprehend these curses, when suddenly it began to rain. Hard.

Now X-treme knew that it wasn't supposed to rain indoors.

He glanced up to see the source of the rainstorm, only to have a waterfall of thick dirty water poured over his head. Cursing angrily, he tried to pull away from the shower, but the downpour was too heavy. Finally, suffocating and tired, he dragged himself from the nasty stuff. When he turned around, he saw the problem: there was a leak in the roof!

Now, might I add, this wasn't just any leak in the roof. X-temper and X-treme had prime property underground—right under the Midgar Marsh. Any leak in the roof meant a 100% chance of rain.

Letting out a few more colourful phrases, X-treme pulled his sopping wet body up the walls to patch the roof. It was tough work; X-treme got his cute fuzzy paws dirty doing it. Once he was done, however, the place looked good as new. That is, if one ignored the flooded living room. With a sigh, X-treme wondered how he was going to get rid of all the water.

Then he had a good idea. . . .

He walked into the science lab after mopping up the floor. X-temper caught sight of him immediately. He looked at X-treme, who was still dripping, and raised an eyebrow. "What happened to you?" he asked, pouring a flask of boratium into a beaker of suplecine.

"We, ah, had a leak in our roof," X-treme explained.

"Oh. The marsh leaked on you, eh?" At X-treme's nod, X-temper sighed and shook his head. "That must have been from the rocket." He nodded, as if agreeing with himself. "What a waste! My one successful launch, too! Unfortunately, I hadn't been intending to launch that one! I hadn't added the knoquatic acid yet."

X-treme grinned maliciously. After he was through, X-temper wouldn't add it, either.

X-temper opened a jar of knoquax, pulled a spoon from a drawer, and was measuring two liters of it in a soda bottle when X-treme attacked. Letting out an Indian cry, X-treme flew over head and dropped a bucket of marsh water over X-temper's head and all over the borat-supline and knoquax. The scene was terrible! Greenish-white marsh water was everywhere! X-temper had acquired a somewhat ghostly look and a rather pale colour.

"YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH, X-TREME! I'LL—"

"Hey! Don't call my mom a bitch! She's your mom too!"

X-temper closed his mouth, pondering this for a moment. Realising the truth, he turned around to attempt to salvage his precious knoquax. But it was too late. The borat-supline was chemically reacting to the added marsh chemicals, and the knoquax was highly reactive to water. Soon the borat-supline exploded, leaving the rocket X-temper had been building in pieces. The knoquax followed, leaving the lab covered in white foam.

"X-treme! I'll—you'll—I'll—"

"I don't know what you'll be doing, but _I'll_ be seeing you later. Bye!" X-treme smiled sweetly and flew off.

X-temper found some rather vulgar eighteen-letter words to express his feelings as he set to cleaning up and rebuilding the rocket. He wasn't going to have enough knoquax to finish the experiments if this happened again! "X-treme, you @#($@&#*$&#@(*$&@(*(@*#&%(&%#@(*()*!()%#*)&%$#(@$&(#@*&$(#@&%*()!&*$#@&%)*#@)!$*#@)*$#@ bit of @#&$*#@&$#@(*$&#@(*A@#($&#@&SS@#*$&@#(&$S*@#$&@#H$@($*&#I@#%$&#@T," he vowed under his breath, "you shall suffer for this preposterous crime!"

Cloud found himself thinking of Aeris that night as he lay awake. Tifa was asleep on his chest, but Cloud wasn't thinking about that. Thinking about Aeris brought that note to his mind. He had never really taken it seriously—so it was a threat to destroy spirit energy; who gave a @#($&@#?—but now that he began thinking about it, it did bother him. Spirit energy was the _only_ thing in the universe that could bring his dear Aeris back to him. And the threat—spirit energy was at stake here. But how could this mad scientist possibly destroy spirit energy? It was impossible! No one could do that! And yet here in his pocket was a note testifying that someone—_someone!—_could. Who could it be? The note gave no evidence at all as to the identity of its author. This only made Cloud more nervous. A terrible threat from someone completely unknown . . .

Jackie and Willy were making too much noise for Cloud to fall asleep, so he couldn't escape from his troubled thoughts in any way. He tried to count sheep, but the sheep were all chanting, "Aeris will be gone to you forever and ever and ever and ever and . . . ." Cloud imagined a wolf coming in and killing all the sheep then, which made him feel a little better until the sheep generated spirit energy and a faceless evil genius came in with a big spirt energy vacuum that sucked up all the spirit energy. His mind was being evil. He tried to get up and walk around a little, but Tifa was relentless and her grip was like iron. She held onto his arm in her sleep with a vicelike grip and would not let go. With a sigh, Cloud remained there and tried to fall asleep some more. But the teenagers would not shut up!

They wouldn't shut up, that is, until Barret and Cid came into their room and shouted, "SHUT THE @(#$&#@$*&@(*@#^$#@^F@*#^$@#^$@#^$U#@*$&#@&$@C*@#$&#@$&@#B@#*$&  
#@$@I#@($&#@$T#@*$&#@C(*@#&$#@H@#*$(#&$&@ UP, YOU LITTLE @(#$&#@$&#@A#@($&#@SS(@#$&  
3#@*($&#@Q@#($&@#ABC@!($&#@$&DEF@#*$&#@&GHI@#*$&#@JKL#@(*$&#&@MNO@#*$^&@#&$PQR$@*$&@  
STU@#($&@#&VWX@#$(*@&#@YZ@$&#*@$&@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That shut them up until the next morning.

That morning, Cloud confronted the rest of them about his feelings. As they munched on Lucky Charms, Cloud let off a sigh and began.

"Guys, doesn't the note bother you a little?" he said, pulling the note from his pocket. "I mean, spirit energy's pretty important to the planet. And if it were destroyed—"

"Then I would no longer have unity with Lucrecia," Vincent said sadly. "I must go speak to her. . . ." He stood up and left the table.

"Freak," Yuffie called after him. Just then the window broke, and into the room flew a rocket traveling at eight hundred million miles per hour. The rocket slammed into Yuffie, knocking her unconscious. No one cared.

That is, until Cloud saw the note attached to the rocket. Was that not the sign of the madman that was threatening spirit energy? He knew it must be! Glancing down at the note, he read it quickly. It was indeed from that same mad-butt doctor! Cloud now had a little more information!

The note read:

_Dear foolish humans,  
The time has almost come for spirit energy to be destroyed! I would have destroyed it yesterday, but I was unable to due to circumstance beyond my control! Nevertheless, it will not be long now! You can just shake in your little boots waiting for me! Haha! You're gonna get a spanking of astronomical proportions! And why? Because I don't like you! Ha! So there! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo, you pee-pee head! Ca-ca mouth! Nyah! Haha, I shall rule the world and you can't do ANYTHING ABOUT IT! asshole..._

_Love, your friendly neighborhood madman_

Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"Guys, you might want to have a look at this," he said, pointing to the note. "The mad scientist sent us another letter!"

"I see he used his signature stationery," Jackie mused, eyeing the rocket suspiciously.

Cloud read the note to the rest of his world savior group, and they joined him in raising an eyebrow. A few laughed. A few cried. A few shook their heads and groaned. Then Cid cursed. "Poop," he said angrily. "Look at this. We're going to lose spirit energy to a @#$(&in' three-year-old."

Cloud nodded. "It's a little funky, that's for—"

"Stop using the 'funky' language, Cloud. You have to use macho language." Cid took one long puff on his cigarrette. "Otherwise, you sound like a woman."

"Um, uh, well, uh . . . geez, that note was really #(&$@ed up," Cloud said, hesitating before he said the dreaded word the author has chosen to censor. Cid just shook his head.

"He'll never learn," Cid sighed. "He'll always be a #@$*&in' pansie." Suddenly he shrieked in pain. "OOWWWWWW! What the hell was that?" He shrieked again, holding his right hand tightly.

Aero just grinned.

"Fu—screw you," Cid groaned, crawling over to sit down. "Just wait till I beat the scheisser out of you."

Aero was disappointed when he found that his fur didn't emit the electric shock that it usually did. He began to panic, running around the room and yelling, "No! My swearing sense doesn't work for other languages!"

"Oh, shut up, you little chienne!" Barret shouted at Aero. Again Aero ran around the room in frustration. The pent-up electricity was uncomfortable. Barret just grinned and began a stream of obscenities in French—despite the fact that in this world, France isn't even a country. Aero started to go into convulsions on the floor, then began to spin around in circles emitting strange noises that sounded a lot like fish. Wait, fish don't make noises. Okay, it sounded a lot like a whale. Barret then shouted, "HA! FUCE YOUTHO!"

Then Aero began to glow, his fur standing straight up and beginning to come off his body. Soon he was bald and bright yellow. His eyes had begun to glow as well. Barret raised an eyebrow and began to back away slowly.

Suddenly Aero shot out a beam of bright yellow light. The beam sought out Barret and as soon it found him, it exploded, reducing him to a smoking crater on the ground. Cid's mouth hung open as Aero returned to normal. Aero blew off his fur like the barrel of a gun.

"Th-th-that's not even a real word!" Cid stuttered.

Aero shook his head. "Oh yeah, you want to try and say it, bitch?"

"Bu-but I thought swearing pisses you off!" Cid barely managed to stammer. Aero growled. Cid coughed and mumbled, "I mean, uh, yes, sir. . . ."

"Ah! I'm almost there! It's so close! I can feel it!" Aeris exclaimed.

"Actually," the voice in her head said, "you're not. It's a long way from here. You've still got quite a ways to go."

Aeris' head dropped. "Oh. Shit."

The last sign had come. Yuffie had been outside looking for materia when the final rocket had smashed into her. Cloud had noticed the explosion and he ran to fetch the note from the smoldering materia hunter. He left Yuffie behind. No one cared.

He ran back to the rest of the group sitting around the fire. "Guys!" he shouted. "The mad scientist has contacted us again!"

Barret fidgeted uncomfortably. It was a rather odd sight. Barret was, after all, only a pile of ashes.

Cid puffed at his cigarrette slowly. "It must be fate," he muttered. "Of all the people I choose to hang out with, I end up with a fu—freaking pansie."

Cloud shifted uneasily, then amended his words. "Uh, I mean, the mad scientist sent us a—a @#$@ note!"

"D—arn it, Cloud!" Cid shouted, cursing his inability to curse. "Swearing doesn't make you a cool leader!"

Cloud began to wail. "I don't understand!"

Cid and Barret shook their heads, sighing hopelessly. Pieces of Barret fluttered all over the ground. Then Cid looked at Aero. He crossed his arms, narrowed his eyes, and then shouted, "Hey! Aero!"

Aero glanced over at Cid calmly. "Yes?"

"Why don't you ever shock Cloud when _he_ swears?" Cid asked indignantly.

"I don't waste my electricity on wannabes," Aero explained.

Cid and Barret started to laugh hysterically. Pieces of Barret fell into the fire. Cloud stared down at the floor in defeat, watching the laughing bits of ash pass by his feet. "I'm—I'm just a nobody," he mumbled sadly.

Cid nodded. "Yep! You sure are! So, what are you gonna do now? Kill yourself? 'Cause that's what I would recommend!"

Cloud stood up. "You know what? I _am_ gonna kill myself! I'm gonna kill myself right now! You hear that? I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF! And you know why? Because all you people are . . . are . . ." He paused and took a deep breath. "ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE SHITHEADS!" He turned his back and grunted triumphantly. Then he walked into a tree. He fell unconscious on the floor.

Everybody laughed. "What a loser! Ha! He can't even kill himself without knocking himself out first! What a stupid bastard!" Cid snickered.

Barret chuckled. "Yeah, stupid bastard, can't even kill himself without knocking himself out, can he?"

"I already said that. Now shut the hell up."

Cid got shocked.

Aeris continued to pant. The faster she moved, the closer she got. She really was almost there now—she could almost feel it—in just a few seconds, she would have reached the unreachable. . . .

"Finally!" she exclaimed as she fetched the milk off the top shelf of the refrigerator. "Now I can eat my PB and J!" But as she began her descent from the fifteen-foot refrigerator, she slipped on one shelf and fell off! Her efforts were going to have been in vain! Her milk was going to be destroyed! She closed her eyes, prepared for the impact of the floor, and shielded the milk.

She never felt the floor beneath her. In surprise, she looked around. She was falling, yes, but she was no longer heading for the floor. She straightened awkwardly, then landed comfortably on the ground beneath the floorboards of the Cetra house. It was an old house. In fact, it was Ancient.

"What the heck just happened?" she asked no one in particular, glancing around. Then she thought about how to get back up to the floor where her peanut butter and jelly sandwich was awaiting her. How was she to get back up? She wanted that sandwich! What was the point of milk if there wasn't any sandwich to eat it with?

Then suddenly she began to ascend. Now this was strange, because she wasn't trying to. She was confused! She wasn't supposed to be floating like this! She should be on the ground, not levitating like a stupid ghost!

As soon as the thought entered her mind, she fell to the ground and didn't shield the milk from the impact. The milk carton exploded, leaving Aeris drenched in milk and still unable to eat her sandwich. "Damn," she mumbled unhappily. "That was my milk." She began to concentrate on getting back onto the upper floor. Perhaps if she did that, she could reach her sandwich. Sure enough, she began to lift off the ground once more! Frightened by her own abilities but still happy to reach her sandwich, she floated right through the floorboards and landed easily next to the table, still dripping.

She looked at the refrigerator, at the floorboards, at herself, then at her sandwich. "Weird." Then she began eating the sandwich.

After Cloud regained consciousness, he rejoined the group that was still laughing at him and began to read the final note. He'd been waiting all his life to read this last note! Er . . . wait, no he hadn't. He'd only been waiting two days! Well, now the suspense was over and he could read that note at last! It was a good thing he didn't kill himself, or he'd not be reading this note right then!

_Dear you wimpy world saviors,  
The time has come to destroy spirit energy. Suffer, foolish humans, for what you've done for me! You cannot stop me. You cannot find me. You cannot trace me. You do not know who I am._

_Love, X-temper  
Krator, Western Continent  
(Near the Midgar Marsh. If you got to the cave you went too far.)_

Cloud raised an eyebrow. But at least he knew where too look! Jumping up on a log, he shouted, "All right! I know where to look!" And then the log spun around and Cloud flew off. His crashing into the nearest tree attracted much more attention than his wild exclamation, and the rest of AVALANCHE laughed. Then Cloud peeled himself off the tree and hobbled over to the rest, sitting down on the dirt to read the note.

He cleared his throat and repeated, "I know where to look now."

Cid looked up. "Yeah?"

"Near the Midgar Marsh, I guess. We should mosey on out pretty soon."

Shaking his head in disgust, Cid grunted, "Okay. But if you say 'mosey' ever again, I'm going to @#$(ing murder you." As soon as the words escaped his lips he exclaimed in pain, then cursed softly at Aero. He was promptly shocked again. Then he glanced over at Cloud. "So, are we gonna move, or what?"

"Um, well, we can skedaddle now if—"

"DAMMIT, CLOUD, WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?" Cid shrieked. After his shocking, he shook his head again. "You'll never learn! C'mon, let's just get the he—ck out of here before I kick your sorry a—butt!"

Cloud shrugged weakly, then gestured for the group to follow him as he walked out. Yuffie stood up in time to see them leave. She began running towards them, flailing her arms and shouting, "WAIT! WAAAAAAIIIIITTTT!"

Naturally, they didn't wait, and, naturally, as she ran after them, she smashed into a tree.

X-temper had a strange experiment going with a Midgar Zolom in the meantime. He was preparing a trap should his victims track him; he would then destroy spirit energy. The concept was a little odd, he admitted, and to try it was very nearly insane, but based on his theory, this would work . . . he did realize that he would have to be considered a little crazy to even think about trying it, but he was willing to take that to get his revenge on humanity. But at that moment, his concern was the mind control of a zolom.

X-treme thought the thing was cute at first, and he named the zolom EXT. The next day EXT bit him, and X-treme didn't think he was cute anymore. He also didn't like the name anymore.

X-temper injected a few bottles of borat-supline into the creature's bloodstream, then he sat behind his remote control and began playing with the zolom. It was an ingenious mechanism, really: the borat-supline would respond to the remote and the chemicals would send the impulses up to the brain. After all, X-temper was a genius. Never mind that there is only a fine line between genius and insanity; X-temper was a genius. (He chose not to think about just how fine that line was . . . or if there was one at all.)

The plan was perfect. While X-temper went through the final preparations for the destruction of spirit energy—project _Finishing for Stars_ would soon be complete—the zolom was performing watchdog duty for Cloud Strife. The computer would tell him to attack if Cloud came near. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

And naturally, nothing means everything. It always does.

When Cloud and the rest of AVALANCE arrived, they did not get attacked by the zolom; poor EXT was dying out of water. After all, the Marsh had drained into Krator earlier that week. (X-treme had done amazing duty at cleaning. There was nary a trace that the marsh had leaked except for the giant hole in the roof.) Unfortunately for Cloud (and the rest of his companions), he managed to stumble onto the steep incline of the leak. Everyone followed, slipping on the still-damp mud where the Marsh had once been. All of them fell down into a black pit of oblivion. . . .

Actually, they just fell into X-treme's bedroom, but smashing against the stone floor that hard would knock _anyone _into oblivion.

X-treme bounded into his room a few minutes later, only to find an entire pack of knocked-out heroes. He was baffled, but he did realize that to avoid rousing X-temper's notoriously bad temper, it would be best to get the group out without X-temper's knowledge that they had ever been there. Unfortunately, the way out of Krator was right through X-temper's lab, and there was no way to get up through the hole in the roof without flying. (This was no trouble for X-treme, but he couldn't carry everyone up.)

Cloud was the first one to open his eyes, and when he looked around at some of the red stalagmites in X-treme's room, he whimpered. X-treme waved to him.

"Hi!" he said. "I'm X-treme. I'm guessing you came in here via the leak."

Cloud shrugged. "I have no idea. We were just skipping along, and then we all wound up down here."

X-treme was a little curious at Cloud's choice of words—_skipping along, up down here?—_but he didn't say anything. He looked around at the unconscious remainder of AVALANCHE. "Well. I'd guess you came in because of the leak then. So . . . how's the 

Everyone woke up soon enough, and X-treme had to clap his paw over Tifa's mouth to keep her from screaming. "Please don't scream!" he whispered. "I'm only a cute fuzzy X-tagen! And you don't want to meet my brother!"

Cloud raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

A bolt of electricity zapped in from the other room, struck the wall and left a smoking black mark; then a voice shrieked, "ARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!" X-treme gestured toward the other room.

"That's why," he replied.

"Ah." Cloud nodded. "I see."

"All right then," X-treme said nonchalantly, "I think it's best we get you out of here now. My brother's, well, uh, a mad-butt doctor, you see."

Cid sat up a second later, rubbing his head, groaning softly. "What? A mad-butt doctor? Dammit, is that the best you can think of?"

A static bolt emitted from Aero's fur and Cid gripped his hand, keeping his mouth shut for once. Then he turned back to X-treme. After sucking on his hand for a moment, he muttered, "So how do we get past this mad . . . butt . . . doctor brother of yours?"

"Very carefully," X-treme answered. "But you have nothing to fear—X-treme is here! I'll take you through!" He looked around for a moment, then spotted Cid's javelin. "That's perfect!" he exclaimed.

Cid looked down. "What, this?"

X-treme nodded, grabbing the javelin. He ran to a box in the corner, opened it up, and took a long rope from it, then returned to the world saviors. "All right! Here's what we'll do. You hold onto this rope. I'll just go into the other room with this thing and stick it in a wall. Then I'll come back. Just one moment, please. . . ." With that, X-treme dashed off with the javelin, only to return three seconds later.

"All done!" he said. "I'll walk in, you guys follow me. Then you take the rope and climb up and out of here, okay?"

Cid and the others nodded, but Cloud shook his head. "We aren't here to run away!" Cloud said, smacking a fist into his hand. "We came here to stop X-temper from destroying spirit energy!" He looked around to the others. "And you guys are all with me, right?"

"Don't worry about it," X-treme replied, laughing. "I'll just get you guys out. Then I'll ruin X-temper's experiment. You just follow me."

"No!" Cloud retorted with a determined note to his voice. "It is my duty to stop him! I came here to do so; I will not stop until it is finished!" With that, he turned and marched away, only to bang his head on a stalactite and fall to the floor. He lay there for a minute, squirming, holding his head, and moaning pitifully. The others shook their heads. Cid and Barret set out to pick him up.

It was a difficult job. Barret, in his reduced state, couldn't help much. That left Cid with much of the work. Alas, they were ready to set out, regardless of a piteously moaning leader. Even so, they didn't need a leader to do this. Besides, Cloud didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay.

It left Cid with a difficult decision: he could give the currently-disabled Cloud his wish and leave him here to deal with X-temper while he couldn't even stand up, or he could take Cloud out with the rest of them. It was all he could do to restrain himself from dropping Cloud off and leaving.

X-treme led them out, and with his help they were able to climb up the cliffs and ledges leading to the exit to Krator. They had reached the top ledge and were almost out when Cid looked around and said, "Hey, where's Shera?"

Shera was unconscious still, in X-treme's room. Actually, about then, she was just waking up. In an unfamiliar environment, with a mad scientist in the room next to hers, upon waking up she was extremely frightened. Frantically she called, "Cid . . . ?"

Cid was not there, nor did he hear her call; but X-treme heard, and X-treme gestured for the rest of them to stay while he went back to fetch Shera for them. He flew in to rescue her, but she fainted upon sight of him. He sighed as he grabbed her. "Well, she should thank me!" he mumbled. "At least my rescuing her means that she won't have to meet up with my brother!"

"Is that so, X-treme?" a sinister voice behind him said.

X-treme turned quickly and almost dropped Shera. "X-temper!" he exclaimed. "Aw, dammit! What are you doing here?"

"Examining your activity," replied the insane genius calmly. "I thought it was mighty peculiar that you would be walking in and out of my lab! Carting prisoners, are you? I thought they knew better than to come here!" He shook his head and amended his words. "And I thought you were smart enough to know not to assist them. However did they get past EXT, I wonder?"

X-treme shrugged, biting his tongue to avoid retorting that the zolom was already quite dead, and definitely incapable of guarding the lab from a group of determined heroes. Instead, he made a mad dash to bring Shera up to Cid. He flapped his wings hard and flew up to the ledge, with an unconscious Shera in tow, and handed her to Cid. "All right! Here she is! Now get out while you can!"

Cid nodded, and X-treme leapt back down to face his brother.

"All right, X-treme," X-temper muttered threateningly, with his eyes narrowed, "you've asked for it."

X-treme nodded. "That's right! I've asked for—er—what am I asking for again?"

With a groan, X-temper shouted, "Never mind! Anyway, now I will kill you!"

He began running toward X-treme with his teeth and claws bared, but X-treme just held out one hand and knocked X-temper over.

Not in the slightest bit fazed, X-temper got right back up and ran at his twin, letting out a war cry as he swung his claws at X-treme. He missed him pitifully. When he turned back around, X-treme took a step closer and pushed him. He tipped to the ground like a bowling pin. X-temper cried out angrily at his inadequacy and screamed, "YOU'LL REGRET THIS, X-TREME!"

X-temper stood up and ran towards one of his tables, trembling with anger as he did so. X-treme raised an eyebrow as he watched, wondering what his brother was up to. When X-temper turned around he held in his hand a flask of some red substance. With hatred burning in his eyes, he said lowly, "All right, X-treme . . . you asked for it. Now you and the rest of the world shall suffer as I destroy spirit energy!" Letting out a deranged laugh that sounded an awful lot like a hyena, he turned and poured the liquid into his last rocket. Then he turned back to X-treme, pointed the rocket at him, and, with a sinister smile, he lit the fuse.

The rocket screeched and went flying around the room, managing to effectively miss every exit and person. Then, as X-treme climbed the ledge to lead AVALANCHE out, the rocket changed course and went zooming towards a new target.

As X-temper watched the approaching rocket, his eyes widened to about the size of dinner plates, and he spoke in a very tiny voice just before it hit him.

"Oh, shit."

Then the rocket hit him and he was blown to hell and back.

Krator was in so much ruin afterward that X-treme decided to move in with Cloud and all the others. As they sat around eating popcorn and chili dogs, Cloud asked X-treme, "What was it like living with X-temper?"

Before X-treme could reply, someone else yelled, "THANK YOU!"

All eyes turned to the new figure. It was . . . it was . . .

_Aeris!_

"Thanks," she repeated, her barely-translucent figure leaning against the wall. "If it weren't for you guys stopping X-temper from destroying spirit energy, my spirit would have died!"

All the mouths in the room dropped except for X-treme's, for at that time, X-treme didn't even know Aeris. No one could say a word until Tifa managed to stammer, "Aeris?"

Aeris nodded. "Yep! It's me! Thanks to you all, I'm back!"

"I'm back, but I'm still dead! And I've learned, I like being dead better than being alive! I can do a lot of cool things _you_ can't!" Aeris grinned evilly and walked right into the wall. Tifa raised her eyebrows.

X-treme said, "So, who are you?"

"I'm Aeris!" the ghost replied. "And I have to extend my thanks to you for saving my death!"

X-treme grinned. "Aw, it was nothing. . . ."

They all laughed and turned back to the TV to eat popcorn and watch movies for the rest of the night.

**THE END**

**_Epilogue: X-temper's _REAL _Fate_**

The smoldering wreckage of Krator yielded a smoking, blackened X-tagen with goggles on the top of his head and a burned lab coat. He coughed up a few pieces of glass and a pile of dust, then looked around the lab.

Mumbling a few curses followed by Joe's name, he looked around for the cage.

He saw the Nibel wolf Joe reduced to a fried wolf pilaf inside it.

"JOE!!!! Oh . . . shit . . . oh shitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!!!!!"

**THE REAL END**


End file.

Final Fantasy VII, Humor