Harry Potter Voldemort's Love Destiny

HEY

HEY. This idea sounds really hilarious to me. Sooooo yeah here it goes. SWITCHING VERB TENSES ALL THE TIME FTW!?11111?

Chapter One: Pondering

I woke up, feeling the cold winter's air on my skin. It probably wasn't even winter… how should I know? I have bigger things to worry about. Like that Potter. Or even Lucius. Ugh, and don't get me started on Bellatrix.

I should get out of bed now… I wonder what time it is? I should get a freaking Blackberry or something because I have way too many things on my mind.

Here I go! I swung a leg over the side of the bed and tried to sit up. I could feel my joints creaking together as I rose. Merlin, I am old…. Seriously I must be like 70 or something by now. Not that it matters, since I will live forever because I am so great, but this is pretty painful. I can't wait until I can live through a goblet… yeah, that'd be the life… the only good thing Hufflepuff's ever done for me….

I put on my robe and walked down the stairs of my grand, dark mansion. I stepped into the kitchen and almost turned right back when I saw Bellatrix standing at the stove.

"MASTER!!" She threw herself on the ground at my feet in fervent devotion. She held a plate up above her head and quickly uttered, "Master, I have cooked a breakfast for you which is so meager and inadequate it does not deserve a glance from you, but if you choose to eat it I will be most grateful in you sacrificing your own comfort for my sake!"

I looked at the plate. 8 pieces of sausage, 4 pieces of French toast, a huge stack of pancakes, and a Belgian waffle topped with strawberries and whipped cream. The entire plate was smothered with maple syrup and butter.

Yuck! All that grease… my poor complexion! But Bellatrix would probably kill herself if I didn't eat it, and that was too much to deal with this early.

"Thank you, Bellatrix. I am grateful," I said in the most scary, baby-murdering voice I could at this time of day.

I sat down and the table and started to eat, and Bellatrix sat staring fixedly at me with those large eyes of hers. She was probably waiting for me to tell her how good I thought it was (which it was) and how I would shag her now that she has finally proved her loyalty. I thought about all the ways I could mess with her head with my response and I continued to eat, ignoring her longing gaze.

After I had finished about half the plate, I suddenly dropped my fork down onto my plate (though it didn't make a loud sound due to all the syrup coating the dish) and Bella looked over, worried. "Something wrong, Master!?" She said with the slightest hint of panic in her voice.

"That was… satisfactory, Bellatrix. I am pleased that you have high concerns for me. However, we do have house elves in this residence and I think that perhaps you should have been using your time to help our cause rather than waste it cooking a pitiful, _deplorable_ excuse of a breakfast!" With the last words, I picked up my plate and threw it against the wall, splattering food and syrup everywhere. I almost could not contain my face as I did this, and I hoped Bella could not see the pure amusement in my eyes.

She threw herself down and started kissing the hems of my robes and my feet (which were bare! Ew!). "Master… master!" she woefully moaned into the ground, "Please forgive me! Forgive me!"

"GET TO WORK!" I screamed, shaking her off of me.

She gave a shriek and scurried away down a dark corridor. Once he was sure she was out of sight, I burst into giggles. I love faking hissy-fits. No one knew I was kidding and they all loved me anyways! And best of all, I didn't have to clean up the mess! I chuckled to myself and the house elf began to clean the grime my plate had made.

I walked away and decided to discuss my plans with Lucius. Ugh, Lucius…. What a sissy-boy. With his long silky hair and his pimp cane… thinks he _so_ cool. Psh. He probably goes to Paris just to get his nails done. I looked down at my own nails. Not too pretty…. Oh well. I ordered a house elf to fetch him via Floo, while I sat on the couch and drew anime in my sketchbook. What else am I supposed to do? Just grab a muggle I-Pod and listen to some Jonas Brothers!? Don't tell anyone about that. Not even Bella knows. And I'm sure she laughs at my anime drawings behind my back! I don't care, Bella. Laugh all you want. When I become a famous manga artist, I won't even put you in it! And I will get famous. _Kawaii High_ is sure to be the best-selling manga in the world! I gave a maniacal laugh just as Lucius stepped through the fireplace. Oh, great timing!

I slid the anime facedown onto the coffee table and looked up at Lucius. He knelt before me. "Oh great Master, what has allowed the privilege of my presence being called?"

I didn't actually know what plans I had to discuss with Lucius. I sort of just wanted company. So I decided to be a charming host. "Good day, Lucius! I am glad that you stopped by," I said, ignoring the fact that I summoned him. "Here, come to the sitting room for some tea."

We walked into the sitting room which was lavishly designed with Victorian-era furniture. The house elves brought in a grand tea trolley on which there were 47 teapots of different teas, milk (all percents), sugar (from NutraSweet to Splenda), honey, and lemons. On the lower level there were biscuits, buns, custards, Danishes, cakes, pies, tarts and cobblers. I took my seat on a cushioned-stool and selected green tea with whole milk and honey and a cherry-and-cheese Danish. Lucius took Earl Grey with lemon and a piece of coconut crème custard cake (alliteration!).

He seemed rather confused with this arrangement (the room was pink and flowery – there were doilies! …Bella did it) so I asked him if anything was troubling him. He didn't want to mess up (and face my wrath) so he chose his words carefully. "I… am just, um… anticipating what plans you wished to inform me of! I am quite honored that you have chosen to confide in me."

Who else would I go to? Bella's like a cat in heat these days, and Wormtail was just plain gross. I sighed. "Yes, about the plans." I took a bite of my Danish and chewed carefully. I had to think on the spot. "I'm very old, Lucius."

"No, surely not master!"

"Lucius, I am old enough to be your father." It was true, but I'm glad I wasn't. "I am now 71 years old."

"But master… when we restored you, you were reborn and your body was renewed."

He was right… crap! I should have thought this through. "That does not change weariness of the spirit! As you also know, I am the last heir of Salazar Slytherin,"

"The most noble and highest families of us all, my lord,"

Damn straight. "I am getting tired of fighting Harry Potter. I know it is my duty, but I feel that the quest should be passed on."

Lucius looked hopeful, and I saw it and spat into his coconut crème custard cake. He looked aghast for a minute, and then bowed his head.

"Sorry Lucius, that was kind of gross."

"An honor from you, Dark Lord."

Eww. I hoped he didn't continue to eat the cake. I didn't even brush my teeth yet (I forgot!).

"So anyways, I am thinking I need an heir to the throne. But I can't think of whom to use as the mother." Woah, that came out of nowhere! I'm 71 years old (in spirit) how do I expect to go knocking girls up!?

"Bella seems most willing, master."

"Yes. I know." I repressed a shudder. He tried to think of an excuse. "Her blood is too risky. You know her family tree! All of those free spirited traitors… we can't take the chance of producing one of them."

"You could always use Narcissa, master. We would both think of it as an honor for her to carry the Dark Lord's heir."

"No… I can not do that to you Lucius. I know you love her dearly." Ha. HA! I struggled to keep a straight face. That was the funniest thing I've said all day. But he nodded anyway, the coward.

"I believe that I will have to turn to foreign Pureblood families for this. They keep the bloodlines much cleaner there."

"Master, that is a most ingenious idea," he acclaimed, bowing his head.

"Thank you, Lucius. You've helped me reach my decision; I can not thank you enough."

He positively beamed at this while we both stood and I led him to the fireplace.

After he had gone, I went back to drawing my cute little chibis in my sketchbook. I sighed. All the things said at that conference were true. Maybe I should get an heir…. It wasn't the worst idea.


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody