Naruto 1. Cursed

It always occured to me that if, by some awful mistake, Orochimaru were named Yondaime that he would have gone after Kakashi. Well here we go.

Title: Cursed

Word Count: 111

Characters: Kakashi, Orochimaru

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

He let out a scream as the teeth sank into his shoulder. A burning began to resonate throughout his body. It seemed to originate from site of the bite causing him to claw at it with his fingers trying to rip through the flesh. He dropped to the floor, back against the wall for support as his free hand attempted to grip the concrete in vain.

"Kakashi-kuuun," a voice drawled, "Does it hurt?"

He looked up struggling to focus his vision on the snake-like figure in front of him.

"Hokage-sama..."

His head spun wildly, vision blurred and clouded to the point of blindness, awareness diminishing quickly until all consciousness escaped him.

* * *


	2. Untitled

Another 'What if?' as the last one was. Just this time, what if Gai was the one with the mask.

Title: Untitled

Word Count: 116

Characters: Gai, Kakashi

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

The mask seemed fun to him. He thought that it gave him a sort of mysterious look. After recently explaining this to his rival, Kakashi, the other man had told him that what he said was true. It did give him a mysterious look. The mystery, however, was why he would continue to wear something so hideous.

Konoha had gotten used to it by now. However, whenever he went on missions he always attracted strange looks and people telling him that he shouldn't wear it and that it didn't suit him but he never cared for these comments. After all, Gai liked his mask even if others didn't and he was going to continue wearing it.

* * *


	3. Reunion

Title: Reunion

Word Count: 215

Characters: ShikaNaru

Disclaimer: Naruto is the official property of Kishimoto Masashi.

Something like fluff.

* * *

"Shikamaru!"

Without even time to react, he had been tackled from behind by Naruto who was now on his back. He pulled at the arms around his neck to loosen them before they strangled him. The blond got off and loudly began a lengthy speech about the two years that had passed. It probably would have been better if the noise didn't attract attention but he was apparently the only one who had noticed since Naruto kept going on.

By the end of the first few minutes of him talking, Shikamaru was certain that all he would be hearing about was how much he missed him. He fit it in everywhere. After telling about all the new techniques, he had learned. After talking about the places, he had been. After talking about how much he had missed him. It was literally after everything.

He wondered how it was possible for someone to talk this much with out taking a breath. It was most likely a spur of the moment type thing. In other words, something he would probably never accomplish. After all, he was never a spur of the moment sort of guy. Sometimes being liked by such a boy was much too troublesome but he was much too lazy to do anything about it.

* * *


	4. Unexpected Change

Title: Unexpected Change

Word Count: 445

Characters: ShikaNaru

Disclaimer: Naruto and it's characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi.

This is crack, very much so.

* * *

Nara Shikamaru sat on the couch reviewing a folder containing information on the upcoming chuunin exams. Every so often, he would glance over to his strangely silent lover who seemed to be in deep thought as he lay on the floor. It was not that he didn't like the silence; he loved it. It was just unnerving. He could help but think about the awfulness that would probably result from the silence. It seemed that every time Naruto concentrated this much on something it usually ended up not making any sense.

"Shikamaru?"

He did not reply. He just closed the folder and rested it on the coffee table in front of him.

"I've been thinking. Doing it isn't fun anymore. We only do it from the back. What about the front?"

Shikamaru was in awe, mouth wide open. Did he really just hear that? After a few second of struggling to comprehend what was said, he regained his composure.

"Well, have you considered the fact that you have a penis and not a vagina?" he asked.

"Yup! I could use Orioke no Jutsu!"

"You know, Naruto, I highly doubt that you could make such a detailed transformation."

Silence once again filled the room and Shikamaru did not like it one bit. Silence meant thinking and thinking meant bad things. Finally, Naruto stood up and grinned at him broadly.

"I'm going to see Tsunade-no-baa-chan."

With that, he was off. Trying to stop him would have been in vain so he just let him leave. He knew what was about to happen would not be good but there was nothing he could do about it now.

It was not until a few hours later that Naruto returned. He was covered in bruises, probably the result of a beating from Tsunade or Sakura, if she had been there, but this look like the last thing on his mind. He was smiling and it was too happy to be anything good.

"I did it, Shikamaru! It took a lot of work but I convinced Tsunade-no-baa-chan to give me a sex change!"

The folder Shikamaru had resumed reading fell to the floor, scattering papers everywhere as he turned to look at his elated lover.

"Isn't this great? It'll be so much fun shopping for panties and stuff together!"

He wanted to say something but the shock of the announcement had some how shut down his vocal cords and most of his brain. He knew he should have been expecting something like this but unfortunately, it had never crossed his mind. It would probably take a while for him to recover but he definitely had to say something when he did.

* * *


	5. Super Potion

Title: Super Potion

Word Count: 261

Characters: Deidara, Tobi

Disclaimer: Naruto and the related belong to Kishimoto Masashi.

Once again, more cracked-up crack.

* * *

It was late into the night, Deidara sat on the floor of his room, legs folded under him. He was quite depressed. After drinking the potion a hours ago, a change had still to occur. He sighed as he took his hands and felt his chest, still flat. It looked like the old man was just a con artist after all. He would have to find him and kill him for causing him all this trouble. 

Angry, he took the potion bottle and flung it against the wall. It shattered on impact sending shards of glass everywhere. He stood and took of his shirt before walking over to his bed. As he got in and pulled the covers over himself, he began thinking of the most artful way to go about the killing tomorrow. Eventually, he discarded this thought and fell asleep.

"Deidara-senpai? Are you awake yet?" Tobi asked as he opened the door to his elders room.

"What do you want, un?" Deidara asked climbing out of bed.

"S-senpai h-has…"

Deidara looked at him and frowned. Why was he stuck with such a person?

"S-senpai's c-chest… i-it's…"

Sighing, he looked down to his chest looking for what ever Tobi was seeing. A large smile spread across his face. He wasn't flat anymore! He had breasts! The potions weren't just some scam. He took his hand and felt between his legs feeling to see if he still had a penis. There was nothing there. He, now she, let out an elated squeal and rushed out to show everyone what had happened.

* * *


	6. Asuma's Diagnosis

Title: Asuma's Diagnosis

Word Count: 226

Characters: Asuma, Tsunade

Disclaimer: Naruto and the related belong to Kishimoto Masashi.

More crack. After all, crack is the new well, crack.

* * *

Asuma looked up as the door opened and Tsunade entered. He was good pretty much expecting this after the cute nurse. The good, ole Hokage who encountered every one in the village, was next.

"You have ED," she stated plainly and she looked over his file, "It's probably that damn cigarette that's always in your-"

"It was embarrassing. I mean… it just didn't do anything. You know?" he said slightly depressed.

"Yeah," she replied only halfway listening.

"Really?" he asked looking up with a hint of a raise in spirits.

"No! Do I really look like a man to you?"

"No… no you don't. You won't tell anyone will you?"

"I don't think I'll need to. The person you tried to sleep with will most likely take care of that for me."

He didn't answer; he just stared at her blankly with a melancholy look. Tsunade sighed and handed him a prescription. Asuma took it; stared at it a while then looked back up to the person in front of him.

"Listen, go to the pharmacy, get the damn Viagra and cheer up. I have other patients to go see right now."

She turned and made her way to the doorway, stopping to take one more look at the depressed Asuma before shaking her head in pity and leaving. Ninja these days could not handle anything.

* * *


	7. Sniper Attack NOT!

Title: Sniper Attack... NOT!

Word Count: 348

Characters: Obito, Kakashi, Yondaime

* * *

Obito smirked from his hiding place in the bushes as he eyed his prey who was silently eating under a tree. Fist clenched he glared at the person he was currently stalking. How could he just take Rin's bento without a word and eat it so calmly. He felt around on the ground until he found the object he sought. Taking up the bag, he opened it and began a sudden barrage of water ballons.

He had taken his target by surprise because by the time the bag was empty (and it was quite a large bag), the target was completely soaked and dripping from head to toe. It made for an extremely entertaining site causing Obito to burst out laughing and stumble from his hiding place.

Looking up, he sopped and swallowed. He was staring straight into a deathly glare. He didn't dare to breath fearing that it would provoke an attack as he slowly stood and back away inch by inch.

"K-kakashi… I-I can explain," he stuttered laughing nervously, "It's…um… pretty funny actually…heh."

"Obito, I have a new jutsu for you," he growled menacingly, "It's called Strangle Annoying Pests No Jutsu."

He was serious. This sent Obito's brain into a state of panic. Fight or flight – this definitely called for flight. In a slit second he was turned and fleeing at full speed, the once hunted now hunter hot on his heels.

"Sensei!"

Obito practically flew into the classroom.

"Sensei! Kakashi is trying to kill me!" he managed panting heavily as he looked up to the doorway where Kakashi was now situated.

"You shouldn't try to kill your comrades, Kakashi-kun."

Eyes moved to a man seated atop one of the desks. He gave them a warm smile accompanied by a slightly amused chuckle. Kakashi blushed, slightly embarrassed, before turning and leaving. Obito let out a relieved sigh and faced the man, gave him a bow then hurried out the class making sure to head the opposite corridor to his attackers. The man continued to smile think of how much fun it would be to teach them.

* * *


	8. Wishing

Title: Wishing

Word Count: 121

Characters: Shikamaru, Chouji, Ino, Billy, Mandy, Grim

A crossover for the Naruto100 community on lj.

* * *

Shikamaru sighed, trying to his face behind his hand and wishing that he would disappear. He peered though his finger to watch and Ino and Chouji chased after a short, big-nosed boy who apparently found the whole thing amusing. 

He looked over to his right down at the short girl who stood next to him and the pile of talking bones that lay at her feet. He wished that she would at least try to stop her friend from aggrivating his teammates and put a hault to the attention-drawing commotion. Shifting he eyes to the sky, he wished that the hole that had spit them out an hour ago would return and suck them back to where ever they came from.

* * *


	9. The Grouches

Title: The Grouches

Word Count: 114

Characters: Sasuke, Elmo, Oscar

Also a crossover drabble.

* * *

"Hehehe! Hi! I'm Elmo! Today, we're going to visit Oscar. He has a cousin visiting today all the way from his hometown! Let's go see who it is!"

Oscar grumpily opened his garbage can and looked out in response to Elmo's knock.

"What so you want?"

"Hehehe! We're here to meet your cousin, Oscar."

"Hey come on up here!" Oscar shouted down into his home.

"What is it?" asked a disgruntled Sasuke as he raised up out of the can.

"This is my cousin, Sasuke."

"Hi Sasuke! I'm Elmo!"

Sasuke replied with an annoying groan before quickly disappearing back intot eh garbage can.

"Wow Oscar! He's even more of a grouch that you are!"

* * *


	10. Seifuku

Title: Seifuku

Word Count: 126

Characters: ShikaNaru

Part one of a birthday present in honor of Naruto-kun's birthday.

* * *

Shikamaru stood in the doorway staring, mouth slightly open, at the sight in front of him. A pouting Naruto wearing a white and orange seifuku looked away quickly trying to avoid eye contact, cheeks flushed. Shikamaru let out a small laugh and shook his head.

"What are you wearing?" he asked amused and confused.

He got a weak glare in return, "Kakashi-sensei gave it to me... he said you would like it..."

Naruto looked down, hands fiddling with the hem of the tiny, pleated skirt. The blush deepened giving him the look of a fully ripe cherry. Shikamaru sighed and walked over to him then drew him into a warm embrace.

"I like it," he whispered sliding his hand underneath the skirt, "I really like it."

* * *


	11. Dog Collars

Title: Dog Collars

Word Count: 239

Characters: KakaNaru (If you squint)

Part two in Naruto's birthday present.

* * *

It was Friday again and time for his weekly groceries. He walked around the store finding what he needed and trowing it into the basket he carried.

"Kakashi-sensei."

He turned to see a grinning Naruto. Judging from what he was carrying, he had recently ran out of instant ramen because he has at least twenty bowls in his hands.

"Yo Naruto."

"I ran out of ramen yesterday. What are you doing here sensei?"

"What else do you do in a grocery store? I'm shopping. I was just about to go cash," he replied beginning to walk toward the cashier.

"Me too!" Naruto said cheerfully following him, "What a pretty dog collar."

Kakashi looked over to watch what Naruto was talking about. It was black with rhinestone; cute. He stopped and stared at it the looked to Naruto who was walking ahead, then back to the collar. He picked it up and dropped it in the basket before following to the cashier.

"Kakashi-sensei, you bought the dog collar?" Naruto asked as they exited the store.

Kakashi put his hand into his bag and fetched the collar out and handed it to his former student.

"Here!" he said smiling.

The blond took it, very confused as to why it was being given to him.

"What am I supposed to do with it... I don't have a dog."

"Wear it," Kakashi replied waving and taking his leave, "It'll look cute on you."

* * *


	12. Dog Collars Part II

Title: Dog Collars Part II

Word Count: 93

Characters: KakaNaru (If you look real hard)

Part three in Naruto's birthday present.

* * *

Kakashi opened the door after it had been given a good knock attack Behind it stood a Naruto who was currently occupied with adjusting the small black rhinestone dog collar around his neck. 

"Umm... Kakashi-sensei... are you sure it looks ok? It feels weird."

Kakashi blinked, a bit confused but then out stretched his hand to pass it along the edge of the collar and the skin it pressed against. Naruto tilted his head wondering what the older man was doing.

"Yes," Kakashi replied smiling cheerfully, "It's very cute. It really suits you."

* * *


	13. The Cold

Title: The Cold

Word Count: 498

Characters: AsuShika

Written for Asuma's birthday! Tanjoubi Omedeto Asuma-san!

* * *

Shikamaru groaned; it was hot and he was feeling irritable. He rolled onto his side under the many covers which were currently smothering him. Asuma had insisted that he bundle up because something in the jounin's mind had told him that Shikamaru would be chilly from his cold if he didn't. Why had he even came here? It was only a little better that home but a little was probably better that nothing. At least his Asuma wasn't drowning him in soup as his mother did. He had a strange feeling that he barely escaped after the groggy "Morning, be back" he gave her as be bolted out the door. 

He sighed as his attention returned to the caretaker who was happily chatting on and on about old memories involving Ino doing something which had been outrageous and insane but Shikamaru wasn't really listening. He saw no reason too. He came here to escape his mother not to wallow in a pit of 'fond' memories.

This blankets were really starting to grind his nerves. Sitting up, he threw them off and frowned. 'How ironic,' he thought. It was chilly after all. He should really have thought that one through some more but it was too late for that. He swung his feet around so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed and stared at a slightly surprised Asuma.

"I'm thirsty," he stated flatly, the stuffy nose somewhat distorting his voice.

Asuma smile and passed him a box of tissue before exiting the room. Shikamaru took them and proceeded to blow his nose not pleased with the color mucous on the paper. He looked up when Asuma returned, glass of water in hand accompanied by two cold pills. He threw the pills into his mouth and washed them down hurriedly with the water returning the glass when he was done. He was rewarded with an affectionate smile and ruffle of his hair which hung loose to his shoulders.

Shikamaru glanced to his left as Asuma took a seat on the bed. They sat in silence of a while. Shikamaru enjoyed it though a part of him wanted Asuma to start with his annoying stories again.

"Are you feeling any better?" Asuma asked removing the cigarette for a moment.

Shikamaru wasn't usually irrational but perhaps it was the cold which was interfering with his chain of thought. In one swift movement, he had turned toward Asuma and kissed him. Asuma didn't react. Neither to the kiss nor to his patient's rush to return to the covers he was once under. Shikamaru pulled the sheets over his head in an attempt to disappear. He could feel his cheeks burning as he mentally curses himself for his actions. He waited in silence for Asuma to do something, anything. He felt the weight lift from the bed and the sound of door closing was heard not to long after. Shikamaru sighed. Why had he come here in the first place?

* * *


	14. Sorrow

Title: Sorrow

Word Count: 471

Characters: Shikamaru, Kurenai, mention of Asuma

I still can't believe Kishimoto did something so horrible and right on the day after Asuma's birthday too. It came out pretty AsuShika. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. It was completely different on paper but when I typed it it went over into angsty BL mode.

* * *

The heat of the water that filled the bath tub fogged the mirror and made the bathroom humid. Shikamaru sat in the tub, soaking in the steaming water. It was hot against his skin. He had hoped that it would draw his mind away from all other thought but it had been more of a stimulant. His brain was contemplating even more. 

Lazily, he climb out of the tub, upset with his failed attempt at distraction and got dress. He exited the room then left the house entirely. He wandered the streets of Konoha aimlessly, bringing up random mental discussions of objects and people he saw along the way to occupy himself. His stroll brought him to the one place he would have rather not visited: what was formerly Asuma's apartment building.

Shikamaru stood there, his mind choosing this moment to got blank for a bit. When he came back to his senses, he found himself heading up the stairs toward Asuma's apartment (or what had been Asuma's apartment). As he neared his destination, the door opened slowly. He froze. It hadn't crossed his mind that someone would be there. He could fell his heart rate quicken. It suddenly subsided when a solemn-looking Kurenai stepped out.

She looked up and noticed him. He wondered whether he gave off the impression of being surprised or depressed at the moment. Maybe it was both but she didn't seem to notice.

"Shikamaru," she said acknowledging him.

"Kurenai-sensei," he replied glancing at the door she had just exited.

She seemed to notice and looked to the door herself.

"Did you want to go in?" she asked, "You can it you want to. Here."

She held out her hand which held the keys to the apartment. Shikamaru approached her and took them.

"You can return it tomorrow," she said before taking her leave.

Shikamaru sighed and entered closing the door behind him.

The apartment was exceptionally neat. Everything was put away and cleaned. He had never been here without Asuma before. It looked emptier that when he usually came to play shogi. He began to explore the apartment some more before ending up in the bedroom.

He dropped himself on the bed, disturbing the state of the crisp sheets. He crawled up to the pillows and grabbed one, pulling it to his chest. Kurenai had eliminated every scent of Asuma. He himself wished that Asuma was there with him and how much he could use one of his 'cheer up' kisses right about now. His cheeks flushed at this train of thought and unexpected tears began to flow. He curled up and embraced the pillow tighter. He could feel his body tiring from the sobbing which was now a broken whimper accompanied sporadically by weeping. Would his mother mind if he spent the night here?

* * *


	15. Reluctant Matrimony

Title: Reluctant Matrimony

Word Count: 323

Characters: OroSasu, Kabuto

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto; Kishimoto-sensei does.

Umm... yeah. It's pretty cracky.

* * *

"Is it too tight, Sasuke-kun?" Kabuto scoffed as he tightened the boy's corset.

Sasuke glared at him only to receive a smirk in reply. He swallowed with anxiety as he watched Kabuto walk over to an old trunk. Breath halted at the click of the lock and the squeaking of the trunk's rusty hinges. A long, lacy, white dress was removed and brought over to him.

Kabuto chuckled softly at the reaction and motioned for Sasuke to slip into the flowing garment. He reluctantly did as he was told and Kabuto zipped up the back then tugged at the creases. Satisfied, he fished a small cosmetics case out of his pocket and clicked it open.

This action caused Sasuke to instinctively step back. Kabuto sighed reached out to grab his face as gently as he could to avoid bruising the pale skin. He retrieved a crimson lipstick from the case and, holding it with his teeth, twisted the container. He took it out of his mouth and began to apply the substance to Sasuke's lips. Finished, Kabuto grabbed Sasuke's hand, dragged him over to the double doors that lead out of the small room and roughly shoved him out.

Sasuke tried desperately to hold the door open but it was quickly slammed shut by a very irritable Kabuto. He turned around. Facing him were most of the inhabitants of the village. He stood on a long, red carpet. His eyes wandered up to rest on a smirking Orochimaru beckoning him to come.

He began slowly, struggling to walk in the heels he was wearing. A soft piano tune began to play and Sasuke forced himself to suppress the urge to attack all who were staring at him with disgusting, hungry looks. When he reach Orochimaru, he took his place next to him, avoiding any eye contact.

"Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru hissed, glancing at the boy next to him before facing forward.

"We are gathered here today..."

* * *


	16. Good Night

Title: Good Night

Characters: YonKaka

Word Count: 348

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or it's characters. They belong to Kishimoto-sensei.

* * *

Kakashi lay in bed, hands running over an abnormally large and heavy kunai. He was in a sort of daze from listening to the current storm's sounds of lightning, thunder, and rain. The creak of the bedroom door alerted him of a new presence and he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He looked as the figure sat on the bed. Every so often, the lightning would strike and give a glimpse through the darkness.

"You're soaking wet," Kakashi said, "You'll get a cold, Sensei."

He received a chuckle and ruffle of his hair in reply. He watched as the Yondaime stood and proceeded to change into dry clothes. Flopping back on the bed, he twirled the kunai effortlessly and turned on his side to make room for the new occupant of the mattress. He reached out a hand to touch the other's face.

"You're cold," he muttered.

"Well, I'd expect that after being out in the rain," the older man

"I guess so," he said pulling away his hand.

The Hokage turned and gave him a warm smile. Kakashi flushed and rolled over to face the opposite direction. He faced him again and grimaced, earning him a laugh and an apology.

"Care to warm me up?"

The young jounin blushed furiously and quickly turned away. He glanced over his shoulder to see a jovial face staring back at him and resume his aloof attitude. He could hear the man in the back of him chuckling, amused by his actions. He did not appreciate being teased, though his solution was a bit more childish than how he was being treated.

"Good night, Kakashi."

A soft kiss was placed atop his head. He was feeling rather silly now rather than the triumph he had hoped. He rolled over yet again. He was now facing a back. He was feeling worse now; it was like a taste of his own medicine and it did not taste very nice. He moved closer to his former teacher until he was almost pressing against him.

"Good night, Sensei," he murmured.

"Good night."

* * *


End file.

Naruto, Humor