Code Geass 1. No Refrain, No Gain

It was a slow day at the Black Nights headquarters: C.C was protesting the demolition of a Pizza Hut, Takami was "flexing" in front of a mirror, and Diethar was waiting anxiously for Zero to come start the weekly meeting.

"Come on already!" muttered Diethar under his breath," The guy's already been late twice!"

Zero walked through the doorway," Diethar, I'm ready to start the meeting!"

Diethar replied," Zero, the meeting was supposed to start two hours ago! Wait a minute, now I have a new story!"

Zero sat down in his seat at the table," All right, Diethar, what's up?"

"I'm doing fine, my goldfish Marley died this week, but overall-"

"I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BRITANNIANS!" yelled Zero, spilling Ohgi's orange juice on the other side of the table as he slammed his fist down.

"Dude!" yelled Ohgi," People in Florida DIED to make that juice!"

Diethar started the meeting," OK, first order of business, it;s been confirmed Britannian forces are hiding in the Middle East!"

"Kill them all!" ordered Zero.

"Zero, innocent Muslims are in that Area, too!" said Tohdoh, "It'd ruin your image if we killed them!"

"Ah yes! But then, we'd be killing Osama bin laden as well!" fire glowed in his eyes as he spoke.

" Zero, that's a manga character in a manga about an alternate universe!" pointed out Ohgi," Horrible people such as Bush, Oprah Winfrey, and polka dancers never exist!"

"Yeah, can you imagine a world without Knightmare frames?" asked Takami.

Everyone laughed.

"Ok, it's agreed, we bomb the Middle East!" said Diethar," Second order of business, Rakshata wants to show you the upgrades for the Guren, she calls it the Guren Tundra!"

"Ok, start the video," yelled Zero, no one knowing he was thinking of illegal chess gambling the whole time.

Rakshata hooked up her camera to the projector," All right, because I got a great deal on Mexican workers, I'm actually in the video, and Julio's filming it!"

She started the video, and on the screen, Rakshata was standing outside the Guren head.

"This is Rakshata, and I'm going to show you some of the new improvements on the Guren!" said video Rakshata.

She went inside and pointed out some of the new features," I downloaded a new version of Skype on the dashboard and made it Bluetooth compatible!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

Video rakshata continued," Also, there's this button on the side!" Vid Rakshata pointed to a pink button that said "LOVE"," Since this is a PG-13 video, Kallen will just have to press it and..."enjoy" it."

The video stopped, and everyone was staring at Kallen.

"What?" asked Kallen, embarassed," I never pressed it before!"

"Riiight...," Diethar continued," last order of business, hentai magazines want to borrow Zero, C.C, Kallen, and Suzaku for photo shoots on Monday, they're willing to pay $15,000 for every shot, and an extra $50 for every Suzaku and Zero one."

Everyone stared blankly at Zero.

" _Idiots,_" thought Zero," Well, now that we're done, enjoy your Saturday!"

Everyone left the table, and Zero swiftly ran out the door.

" Why does he always leave in such a hurry?" Kallen asked to herself," It's been like that for a month!"

"Wanna find out?" Kallen was startled, but turned around and saw that it was Tamaki.

"Um, why do you wanna find out?" asked Kallen," You don't even know what Zero looks like under the mask!"

" Hey, I'm his right-hand man, so I'm finding out what's up!" Tamaki ran after Zero, hoping not to be caught.

Kallen sighed," Idiot," and followed him.

They had followed Zero deep into Tokyo, and he seemed like he was in a hurry.

"What do you think he's doing?" whispered Tamaki to Kallen as they hid behind a hobo and his sign.

" Maybe he's buying groceries?"  
"Well, I'm scoping the inside of that strip club for suspicious activity!" Tamaki practically ran to the club and leaped through the doorway.

Kallen continued following Zero until he took off his mask, revealing his face.

"What's he up to?" Kallen asked as he followed him into an alley.

Lelouch stepped into a small box, and came out in his street clothes. Kallen hid as he passed her and went back onto the street.

She followed him until he heard a voice behind her saying," Are you here to help out the cause?"

Frightened, Kallen pulled out her gun, but realized it was C.C. instead. Now she REALLY wanted to fire the gun.

" Hey, easy!" said C.C.," I just want to know if you're interested in helping us free Pizza Hut!"

Kallen looked over C.C's shoulder and saw some pizza hippies tied to the building, singing John Lennon's "Imagine". She saw Lelouch duck into an alley, and she quickly followed, C.C. following her. In the alley, Kallen saw Lelouch talking with an old man in a trenchcoat. She could hear them talking.

"How much is that one?" asked Lelouch, pointing inside the man's coat.

"Oh, that's an economy tube, it works better than regular ones," answered the man.

" Is he buying condoms?" asked C.C., interested for once.

"Hey, shut up!" yelled Kallen.

Lelouch turned toward her, but they ducked behind another hobo. Lelouch pulled out some money," I'll take some economy tubes, please."

"Hold it right there!" Kallen ran out from behind the hobo," Just what are you buying, Lelouch?"

"Kallen!?"

C.C. stood next to Kallen," Is it condoms?"

"C.C!?" Lelouch backed away, hiding the "economy tubes" in his coat," look, this isn't what it looks like!"

"It better not!" Kallen tackled Lelouch and looked through his coat," Let's see, wallet, contact lenses, Ah ha! Refrain!"

Lelouch stood up," That's mine!"

"Lelouch why the hell are you taking this stuff!?" asked Kallen," This is our version of heroin!"

" Um, Kallen-"

"I know, you want me to stop making references to that manga, Code US Border, but I won't!"

"Kallen, that's not-"

"I mean, sure, it's got some plot holes, and the main character is a scrawny (but handsome) boy, but that's no reason it wasn't given it's own anime!"

" Kallen, THAT'S MY-"

"You know what? I don;t care how much it is, I'm breaking it!" Kallen slammed the glass tubes on the concrete ground, clear liquid seeping out.

"No more salesmen!" C.C. kicked the salesmen in the balls and gangbanged him using her specially designed glock.

L:elouch's face froze as he stared down at the broken glass and liquid," Kallen, what did you do!?"

"I steered you on the path to a long, fulfilling life!" Kallen grabbed his arm," Now, come on, I'm taking you to Rehab!"

"Kallen, that was my insulin!" yelled Lelouch," I have diabetes, remember!?"

**END**


	2. Rivalz the Black Knight

Zero was sitting in his seat at the conference table, thinking about how to save Kallen.

"_Let's see...Ohgi said we should take out the Brittanians from behind, Tohdoh thinks we should go in undercover, and Tamaki says to load the cannons with M&Ms and fire them at the guards...seriously, WTF is wrong with him?"_

"Zero!" Diethard walked into the conference room and sat down," I've thought of a way to save Captain Kozuki!"

"Oh really?" asked Zero, uninterested.

""Yes! You see, in Star Wars, there was a shaft that Luke Skywalker fired at to destroy the Death Star!"

"And you're saying that there's a self-destruct shaft in the Brittanian Knightmare frames and warships?"

"YES! AND, if it's true, then Tohdoh must know the force!"

"_I've finally found someone stupider than Tamaki..."_

Diethard cleared his throat," Now before you go bowing down to my brilliant idea, we need to introduce our newest Black Knight!"

"What!?"

" Zero, please welcome Rivalz !" Diethard pointed to the doorway, and Lelouch's blue-haired companion walked through.

"WTF!?" Zero fell back in his chair, "_How the heck did he find HQ!?"_

"Hi, everyone, it;s nice to be here!" said Rivalz.

"Now that that's over with," said Diethard," Will you bow down to my idea now, Zero?"

Zero just stared at him, and said," Just get the meeting started."

" Oh yes, the meeting!" Diethard cleared his throat," First off, We have a new student here today! Everyone, please welcome Rivalz!"

"Hello, Rivalz," mumbled the knights.

"Hi!" greeted Rivalz," Do any of you like scooters?"

Zero slammed his head on the table, and spilled Ohgi's fruit punch.

"Dude, what's your problem!?" asked Ohgi.

" Second, Rakshata prepared a service video for... the kidnapping of her Guren?"

Rakshata went up to the video projector," That's right! Everyone knows that when someone, or something, Asian goes missing, it's never found! So, I prepared a small service, in slideshow form! Here's the Guren when it was first thought out!"

Rakshata pressed a button and the screen showed a picture of a younger Rakshata holding blueprints for the Guren," And here's when I built the first prototype!"

The whole time, Zero was thinking of why Rivalz joined the knights," _Why would Rivalz join the Black Knights, Is he here to get an article for student council? Or is it a summer job to buy that scooter in Wal-Mart we saw yesterday? Come to think of it, it was pretty cheap, so he could've bought it right on the spot. Anyway, WHY?"_

Rakshata had already gone to the slide of the Guren when it was being painted fushia," And here's when I was installing the battle grid!"

She pressed the button again, but it went to a picture of Rakshata tanning in Spain...with no swimsuit.

"WHOO!" Every male Black Knight except Zero crowded up at the screen.

"Stupid Mexicans!" yelled Rakshata," I knew I shouldn't have let Juilo rearrange my photo albums!"

She quickly shut off the screen, and Diethard went on," Lastly, I bought a new issue of PlayBoy, and I'm proud to announce Miss December is now a Mrs.! That is all."

Everyone walked out, but Rivalz went up to Zero," Mr. Zero, sir?"

"What is it?" sighed Zero.

" Nothing. I justed wanted to know if you knew my friend Lelouch!"

Zero was surprised," What the heck are you talking about, I don;t know him! Why would you even think that!?"

" It's nothing, but wen I saw you playing chess with Schniezel, I realized you play a lot like my friend Lelouch, and-" Zero had already ditched him and gone to his office.

Zero slammed and locked the door behind him," This is impossible, how could Rivalz be part of the Black Knights, he's useless!"

When he sat down at his desk, he heard something underneath," Hey, you're stepping on Cheese-kun!"

"WTF!?" Zero peeked underneath and saw C.C. under his desk," C.C., why are you under there?"

"Well, the pizza man came, and he still had 3 minutes left, so I hid until I could get free pizza!"

Zero sweatdropped," Hey, did you know that Rivalz goes here now?"

" Of course I do," answered C.C.," I told him to join."

" YOU DID WHAT!?" Zero's eyes lit on fire, and was forced to remove his mask to not choke on the smoke," But why!?"

" I was bored! besides, he just thinks this is an after school club." C.C. got up and got some pizza from the fridge," It doesn't matter!"

There was a knock on the door," You hide somewhere!" Lelouch put his mas back on and opened the door," Tamaki, what do you want?"

"OK, I know you thought my M&M's idea was retarded, but wait 'til you hear THIS!" Tamaki pulled out a pack of Skittles," You see Brittanians LOVE Skittles! BUT, they hate sour ones! So we just load the Knightmare cannons with sour Skittles, and we can easily take back Ka-"

SLAM!

Zero slammed the door and put another tally on his "Tamaki Has a Stupid Idea" chart," That's 567 times in three months."

There was another knock at the door, and Zero opened it," What is it, Tohdoh?"

" I have another idea on retrieving Kallen!" cried Tohdoh, pulling out a boombox," You see, I did some research, and found out Brittanians love Hannah Montana!"

Zero just stared," You're kidding, right?"

" No, I'm serious! I recorded the 3D concert AND the new movie on bootleg! All we need is a giant screen and we can lure them out and we break out Kallen!"

"Dude, what about the miracles?"

"This IS a miracle! I got Hannah Montana on bootleg, man! When we're done, we'll watch it, comprende?"

SLAM!

"These guys are friggin retarded!" Zero fell back on the couch," When will they understend that we need someone SERIOUS about this to break out Kallen!"

"Lelouch, we're out of pizza!" whined C.C, shaking an empty pizza box.

A mirror felll out," Hey, a mirror!" C.C. held it up to her face.

Frustrated, Lelouch tried his Geas on C.C. through the mirror," Obey me!"

" Sorry, Lelouch, I'm immune, remember?"

"Oh, yeah..." The Geass bounced off the mirror and hit Lelouch," _Oh no!_"

" Why don't you ask Rivalz what to do?" asked C.C. sarcastically.

The command took over Zero, and he cried," That's a great idea! I'll ask him now!"

He ran through the door and went up to Rivalz," Rivalz!"

" Hey, Mr. Zero! I was just going to help Tamaki load the sour Skittles into the cannons, then help Tohdoh set up the big screen for the hannah Montana concert!"

"Never mind that, I want to know how YOU would break out a prisoner!" Zero was practically shaking Rivalz by the shoulders now.

" I guess I'd do what everyone else is doing," said Rivalz," Except when it comes to crack, then you run!"

**Don't smoke crack, kiddies!**

The Geass was still controlling Zero's mind," I love it! Continue loading the cannons, and get more people to help Tohdoh with the big screen!"

"Yes, sir!" Rivalz ran down the hall to follow Zero's orders.

By the time Zero snapped out of it, the deed had been done," Wait a minute, WHAT!?"

**To be continued...**


	3. Breaking Out Kallen

**Last time, on The Adventures of the Black Knights...**

Lelouch was standing over an operation table," Scalpel!"

Rolo reached into a bag and pulled out a sharp knife," Scalpel."

"Tongs!"

"Tongs."

The patient was already dying.

"Come on, live, damn you, LIVE!" Lelouch pounded on her chest, but it was over. C.C. was dead.

"It's over." Rolo went to the fridge," Hey, there;s still one more slice of pizza!"

C.C. woke up, "Really?"

**Now back to the Adventure of the- wait a minute, did t****hat actually happen?**

**At Kallen's prison...**

It was getting dark in Kallen's cell. She was getting bored, and she was pretty sure the last one to wear her dress had an STD.

"Come on, Lelouch, where are you?" she wondered," I've been here for weeks!"

Just then, Nunnally walked into the room," Hi, Kali!"

"How many times did I tell you not to call me that, you twerp?"

"Sorry, I was just returning from the BATHROOM. Remember that?" asked Nunnaly, pulling out a photo of a toilet.

"_Must...resist!"_ thought Kallen.

"It's easy to use the toilet, Kali," said Nunnally," Just give me my Ipod, and I'll let you go pee-pee!"

"Never! Besides, I already posted your playlist on MySpace!" Kallen pulled out a laptop," See?"

_Nunnaly's Tunes_

_1. Hey there Villeta_

_2. Revolution Zero_

_3. Crank Dat Geass Boy_

_4. I'm Not OK_

_5. Brittanian Idiot_

_6. Give Me Refrain_

"Most of these songs don't even exist!" said Kallen.

"Well, excuse me for listening to the Code US Border soundtrack!"

**Outside...**

The Black Knights were ready to break out Kallen: Tohdoh had the hannah Montana 3D concert in the DVD player, and every cannon was filled with tangy delicious sour Skittles.

"_I can't believe I'm doing this," _thought Zero inside his Knightmare,"_I'm going to KILL C.C.!"_"

"Ready cannons!" yelled Tohdoh.

Every Knightmare approached the prison, cannons ready.

"Mr. Ohgi, why can't I have my own Knightmare?" asked Rivalz, who was sitting shotgun in Ohgi's Knightmare.

"Becuase, Rivalz," said Oghi," You're only in a few chapters, and why waste money on a homo like you?"

"The Brittanians have spotted us!" yelled Tohdoh

"Start movie," sighed Zero, knowing no one would possibly watch it.

As the movie began, the Brittanain Knightmare frames...they flew down to watch the movie!?"

"This is my best part!" cried one of the Brittanian soldiers," Thank you, Black Knights!"

Zero just froze," _I gotta remember to kill whoever's writing this crap."_

The Black Knights moved towards the prison wall, and more Brittanains came at them.

"Fire cannons!" ordered Tohdoh.

Zero couldn't bear to watch: the movie worked, but SKITTLES? That's about as retarded as it could get. The cannons fired, and Skittles scattered all over the enemy.

" Oh no, sour Skittles! RUN!" The Brittanians fled, making the way to Kallen clear.

" Oh. My God," Zero slammed his head agains his control panel, stupified.

"Unit Three, break out Kallen! Unit Five, guard the exits! Unit One, get me a cherry Coke!" With Tohdoh's orders, the Black Knights continued to free Kallen.

**Inside...**

"Skank!"

"Cripple!"

"Silicon!"

"Hair extensions!"

"Why, you-" Nunnaly leaped from her chair and banged on the orange force field," Pink haired hybrid freak!"

Kallen pulled out the laptop and pimp slapped Nunnally with it," You bitch!"

As Nunnaly fell, her head pressed the force field button, and Kallen was free.

" I'm free!" Kallen cried," Now I can take off this dress!"

**Outside...**

"Tohdoh, how's the mission?' asked Zero.

"It's good, but Kallen's not in her cell!"

"What!?" Zero slammed his fist against the control panel," Find her!"

"Huh? I can't hear you, you're all staticy!"

Zero had hit the panel too many times. Now his Knightmare was falling to the ground!

" Oh, SH-"

CRASH!

Zero limped out of the smashed Knightmare, his head on fire.

"Get it off me!" Zero ran around until he was in a Brittanian children's playground.

"Daddy, what's that?" asked a little girl, pointing at the flaming Zero.

"Just look away, honey, that's a terrorist."

"Oh."

**Inside...**

Kallen had already escaped the cell, and everyone was busy watching Hannah Montana, so she was safe.

"How do I get out of here? Hey look, a directory!" Kallen went over to the small directory in the corner," All right, my cell was about five stores away from the JC Penny, so now I'm near Yogurt Land and a Forever 21. Hm. I should've brought money."

Kallen walked towards the Target, the way out of the building.

**Outside...**

"Get it off, get it off!" Zero shook his head in a sandbox until his head stopped smoking.

However, the fire burnt away most of the mask, revealing his face," I've gotta get another mask, fast!"

As Lelouch ran into the building, Rivalz kept on bugging Ohgi about scooters.

"Do you like scooters?"

"No."

"What's your favorite brand?"

"I don't know any!"

"Do you know how to do tricks?"

" For the last time, I don't know how to ride a scooter, or anything involving the word scooter!"

"..."

"..."

"... So, do you like illegal chess gambling?"

Ohgi slammed his head on his control panel, and accidently ejected Rivalz into the air.

"AAAAAH!"

"Well, at least he's quiet from down here."

**Inside...**

Kallen walked down the hall until she saw the exit," Finally, I'm free!"

When she walked through, she saw that she was in a playground, and it looked like someone stuffed their head in the sandbox, and dragged a burning torch through the grass.

"Wow, Jackass must've been here." she said.

Behind her, she saw that the Black Knights were already there," They came for me!"

However, on the ground was a crashed Shinkiro, which was on fire.

"Lelouch!" By the time Kallen had gone out of sight, Lelouch had run out with a new Zero mask.

" It's a good thing that Hot Topic was having a sale on these things!" he said," Too bad they made me buy those million Zero costumes in bulk. I mean, when will I ever need a million Zeros?"

From up above, Zero saw a falling Knightmare chair...and it was falling on HIM.

THUD!

Zero rose up from the wreckage," Rivalz, what is the meaning of this!?"

"Well, excuse me if your Knights don't admire scooters!" Rivalz got up," Hey, there's a Target!"

Rivalz skipped over, and Zero sweatdropped.

Just then, Tohdoh called him from his helmet," Zero, they brought reinforcements, and the Lancelot's with them!"

" What!?" Zero ran to his Shinkiro," I'll be right there!"

**In the sky...**

Tohdoh and the others were already running out of energy from the last fight, but the Lancelot was still going strong.

" Take this, ya terrorists!" Suzaku took a broken Knightmare's arm and swung off Ohgi's Knightmare's head.

As the head flew, Anya took a picture of it from her Kightmare," Recorded."

"AAAH!"

CRASH!

Ohgi got out of the wreckage and saw Zero," Zero, you gotta help us, man! That Lancelot guy is CRAZY!"

"Just hold on, I just have to start up my-"

BOOM!!

"-Shinkiro." The Shinkiro's smashed up frame had exploded, and an ash-covered Kallen came out.

"Kallen!" Both Ohgi and Zero leaped at her, but she started strangling them.

"You idiots better have a good reason for being late!"

"Well, you see-" Just before Ohgi could finish, a scooter ran over him.

On it was Rivalz," Hey, guys! I got a great deal on this at a Home Depot! Did you know Brittania is 90% strip malls?"

" No, Rivalz, I didn't know that," said Zero," But first, we have no Knightmare, no plan, and two of the four of us have no balls!"

"What's that supposed to mean!?" cried Rivalz.

"Face it, man. Even Tamaki has more than you!" Zero huddled them all in," Now here's what I'm thinking..."

_What's Zero's plan? Will they ever beat the Brittanians? Will Rivalz grow a pair? That's very doubtful, but the other two are possible! Now, a commercial break, with Rakshata's Knightmare frames Co.! Made by Mexicans in India._

Rakshata: Hallo, friends! Are you tired of your rebellion failing? Does your requiem need that spark? Why not add a Knightmare to your problem? Rakshata's Knightmare frames are made with the finest materials, like metal, wood, and LOVE (from the Mexicans, not Rakshata). So, buy now and recieve a free Skype upgrade and the premium LOVE button! Let's have a word from one of our customers. Kallen?

Kallen: I don't think I'm supposed to describe the LOVE button feature on TV, it's pretty graphic.

Rakshata Whatever, killjoy! And Lelouch, how are you enjoying the plasma screen I installed in your back window?

Lelouch: It's pretty cool, but I CAN'T SEE OUT MY FRIG'GIN BACK WINDOW ANYMORE, YA INDIAN!

Rakshata: Hey, that's a Bravia, so don't yell at me! So anyway, buy now! Think of the Mexicans that won't be paid if you don't. For every Knightmare purchased, we'll bring love and joy to our Mexican workers' families!

Julio: Senora Rakshata, I need to feed my chihuahua Paco! Can I have a break?

Rakshata: Screw your puppy! Now get to work on those frames! (takes out machine gun) So remember, think of the Mexicans! (starts firing, and screams are heard offscreen)

Announcer: Now with new locations in Areas 11, 5, and 7!


	4. Fuschia Knightmare Frame

**Last time, on Adventure of the Black Knights...**

**TRANSCRIPT FROM INTERROGATION OF CRIME BOSS SUZAKU**

Lelouch: Where's Kallen?  
Suzaku: Where's the money?

Lelouch: You better f----in tell me!

Suzaku: (spits on Lelouch's face) Screw you.

Lelouch: (punches Suzaku) Where's the drugs?

Suzaku: I ain't no snitch, nig--.

Lelouch; Then at least tell me where you hid the remote!

Suzaku: I said, I aint-

Lelouch: (pulls out chainsaw and puts on Jason mask)

Suzaku: (squeaking) Under the carpet.

**Now back to- wait a minute, this never happened, didn't it!?**

"All right, you remember the plan, right?" whispered Zero.

"This is a great plan, Mr. Zero!" yelled out Rivalz, clapping.

"SHUT UP!" Kallen slapped Rivalz on the back of the head, accidently spilling Ohgi's lemonade.

"WHY!?" he cried.

"_These guys are idots_," thought Zero," OK, on with the plan!"

Rivalz started his new scooter, with Zero, Kallen, and Ohgi all in the sidecar beside him..

"Let's do this!" yelled Ohgi as everyone grabbed their guns.

VROOM!

"What the-" Rivalz started the engine again, but the scooter wouldn't budge.

There was too much weight in the sidecar.

"This is ridiculous!" cried Zero," We're gonna need more wheels!"

"OR a Knightmare!" suggested Kallen.

"Say wha?"

**On the battlefield...**

The Lancelot was destroying the Black Knights, and the only ones standing were Tohdoh and Xingke.

"Come on, man, give us a break!" cried Tohdoh," There's no bathroom in here and Julio cooked for me before battle!"

" DIE!" The Lancelot stabbed through the Knightmare, and Tohdoh crashed down.

"MOMMYYYY!!!!"

CRASH!

"Woah," said Xingke," But I'm still alive, so prepare to- Uh oh."

The lancelot went over to him," What's that supposed to mean?"

" It means I shouldn;t have eaten with Tohdoh at Rakshata's house!" the Knightmare flew away," CURSE YOU, JULIOOO!"

" Now to find the prisoner!" The lancelot flew around the building, searching for Kallen.

**In the building...**

"Behold, gentlemen, the Guren!" Kallen presented her mecha, acting like a magician's assistant.

"Wow, Kallen!" saidZero," I'm impressed! Only one thing."

"What?"

"IT ONLY SEATS ONE!"

"Oh. Well, that's OK!"

They all squished into the cockpit, and there were MANY problems!

**TRANSCRIPT TAKEN FROM CROWDED COCKPIT**

Zero: Hey, someone's foot is near my head!

Kallen: OK, who's butt's in my face? I can't reach the controls! (Randomly reaches for buttons)

Rivalz: Ouch! Someone's grabbing something, and I don't like it- or do I?

Kallen: Ew, RIVALZ!

Rivalz: Ow, that doesn't _bend_ that way!"

Ohgi: Well, it's a good thing I'm crowded perfectly against the left window! Hey, what's this heart-shaped button?

Kallen: NO!

Ohgi: (presses button) Hey, the Guren's vibrating!

Kallen: (has twisted face)

Zero: Um, Kallen?

Kallen: (remains motionless)

Rivalz: Oh my god, she's gone deaf!

Ohgi: No, I think we should get out...

Kallen: (snaps back to reality) Nope, i already took the Guren to the air, and Rivalz, could you move your butt!?

Rivalz: That's not my butt...

Zero: Um, sorry Kallen, I'll just move over...

**TRANSCRIPT END**

The Guren flew off, and saw the wreckage from above.

"OMG!" cried Rivalz," These guys are dead!"

From the side, Ohgi saw a guy falling down," hey, isn;t that Tohdoh?"

"MOOMMMMY!!!" cried Tohdoh. Tears could be seen streaking from his eyes as he fell.

"Poor guy..."sighed Zero," Hey, does anyone have a camera phone? I need to savor this moment!"

Everyone pulled out their phones and took shots of Tohdoh falling to the earth.

"OK, NOW we kill the Lancelot!" the Guren flew off towrds Suzaku.

**Meanwhile, at a Middle Eastern convenience store...**

Xingke dismounted his Knightmare and ran to the 7/11. Inside, he saw the bathroom.

"Praise the Lord!" he ran to it, but the door was locked," Um, clerk, I need the bathroom keys!"

Surprisingly, the clerk wasn't Middle eastern, but he seemed like... a reporter.

"Um, sir, are you Xing Ke, AKA SwordLover456?" asked the man.

"Yes, but you forgot my middle name: Yao Ming!"

"Have you been chatting with PrincessT10?"

"What? The only one I've been chatting with is a 27 year old mecha freak in India"

"Try a ten year old Chinese princess in the Forbidden City," two policemen walked in and handcuffed Xingke.

"What the-"

"I'm a random reporter, and this is...TO CATCH A LILICON!"

"Wait a sec, I have pictures of her! She has blond hair and dark skin and smoke a stick thing! Odyesseus, you bastard! He must be framing me! ODYESSEUS!"

**Elsewhere...**

The Guren found the Lancelot above the playground of the prison/strip mall," Lancelot, stand down!"

The lancelot drew his sword," Make me, terrorists!"

Right before the two clashed, Rivalz said something.

"STOP!"

"Rivalz, what the heck are you doing!?" asked Kallen.

Rivalz continued," Lancelot, why do you call us terrorists?"

"Well, because you're Japanese and not Brittanian, that's all!"

" Well, wht if we slaughtered your girlfriend, and cut off your balls and fed them to lions, just because you're different from US?"

Every guy in earshot felt a slight pain in their boxers.

" That would be unfair, I guess."

"So, is it fair to kill us because of our differences?"

" No."

"So, in the words of my favorite charcter from Code US Border, Martin Luther King Jr., " Violence is not the answer to peace."

Everyone in the cockpit was on the verge of tears. Suzaku realized that he had lost his way. Ever since he started playing Mortal Kombat, he forgot violence never solved anything.

"He dropped his weapon," You're right," he dismounted his Knightmare," I'm going to do more meaningful things now, like defend trees and grow long hair and drive Volkswagen buses!"

As Suzaku ran to a tatto shop to get a tattoo of a peace sign, everyone in the Guren besides Rivalz were in shock.

"Rivalz," said Zero,: You just stopped the lancelot from killing us, and practically ended the battle!"

" Yeah, you have incredible people skills!" commented Kallen.

"And yet I still can't get a girlfriend," sighed Rivalz," I mean, sure, I can end wars with words, but whats the point of doing that with no lady!?"

" that's not true, man," said Ohgi," I mean, sure, you may need a couple thousand bucks, but I'm sure that with some money and a nice car, you'll be in bed with someone by next week!"

"Really?"

Kallen slapped Ohgi on the back of the head," Ohgi, stope teaching him about prostitution! Now, Rivalz, i know a nice girl you might be interested in..."

**At Ashford...**

Kallen slowly pushed Rivalz across the campus quad.

"Come on, Kallen!" whined Rivalz," Can we do this tomorrow or something? Arthur won't feed himself!"

" Just do it!" Kallen shoved Rivalz into Milly, the council president.

"WHOA!" They both fell to the ground.

Milly got up," Rivalz, what do you want?"

Rivalz got up," Uh, Milly, how about...um..."

"Yeeaah..."

Rivalz was still stuttering, so Kallen landed a right hook in between his legs.

"Yipe! Would you like to go out with me?" he squeaked painfully.

" Um, sure!"

"Really?" Rivalz forgot his pain and stood in front of Milly," You're the greatest!"

Kallen left them and walked back to Lelouch, who was watching from the corner," Now isn't that romantic, Lelouch?"

He didn't answer.

"Uh, Lelouch?" Kallen snapped her fingers in front of his face.

"...," He just had a blank emotionless stare.

Kallen punched him in the groin, then realized what was going on, "Lelouch, that episode didn't come up yet in this story!"

He snapped back to reality," Ouch! So, how'd it go?"

Kallen sat next to him," Never mind," she sighed," _Idiot._"

In the background, Milly and Rivalz could be heard talking.

"I want to be picked up by 7:00, and NO scooters!"

"Aw, come on!"

"RIVALZ..."

"All right then..._bitch."_


	5. Death of an Emo, Fg, Geass Wielder, etc

**Last time, on the Adventures of the Black Knights...**

Lelouch: So, how's it going, chief?

C.C.: Not good, sir! He's still on the roof, and he's not coming down!

Lelouch: Don't worry, chief! Lelouch Lamperouge will save him! (Goes up to roof)

Ohgi: (on edge of roof) Get back! I'll jump!

Lelouch: All right, if I promise to stop spilling your juice, will you stop this?

Ohgi: YAY! (skips around and accidently falls down edge) AAAH!

Lelouch: Yet another death prevented by...Lelouch Lamperouge!

Ohgi: (falls on sumo wrestler)

Sumo Wrestler: SUSHI ROLL!

Ohgi:...f---.

**OK, THIS actually happened!**

It was yet another day at Black Knights HQ. Kallen and Lelouch were still at the hospital, taking care of Rivalz after his date.

**PATIENT INJURY LOG**

**NAME: **Rivalz Cardenmonde

**INJURIES:** Severed Nut

Popped Shoulder

Internal Bleeding

**REASON: **Disappointment on Date

"It's all right, Rivalz," said Kallen caringly," So what if you accidently brought the scooter again?"

Lelouch popped his head between them," Yeah, and what if you accidently spilled your drink down Milly's shirt?"

"Actually, I did that on purpose."

Kallen tightened her fists," You perverts!"

"AAAH!"

**PATIENT INURY LOG**

**NAME:** Lelouch Lamperouge

**INJURIES:** Punctured kidney

Fragmented rib

**REASON: **Kallen Stadfield

**PATIENT INJURY LOG**

**NAME: **Rivalz Cardemonde

**INJURIES: **Lost Manhood

Torn Shoulder Muscles

Fragmented...EVERYTHING?

**REASON:** Being a Pervert

**At Black Knights HQ....**

Everyone was waiting anxiously for Zero to return from his visit at his friend's. They weren't used to doing operations without their leader guiding them. Strangely, Kallen was missing, too. Tamaki, Ohgi, and Rakshata were on the couch in the corner.

"So, why do you think Zero's been gone so long?" asked Ohgi," He hasn't even come to spill my juice!"

Tamaki shoved his face in Ohgi's," The question is, why is Kallen gone, too?"

" You two are so immature!" Rakshata took a puff of her pipe," Everyone knows they're working on the Guren, like Rakshata would want them too!"

" I bet they're doing more than just working," Tamaki whispered to Ohgi.

"So, THAT'S why they call it a cockpit!" yelled out Ohgi.

"No, man!" whispered Tamaki," You don't wanna atrract-"

As they were all discussing the subject, Diethard swooped in," What are we all talking about here?"

" Nothing, Diethard," said Tamaki," Now, why don't you go interview Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus?"

" Tamaki, those are fictional characters in Code US Border!" Diethard took out a volume of it," See? This is Vol. 4, the one where Barack Obama becomes president!"

Everyone in range sweatdropped.

**At the hospital...**

"Owww..."

"Aw, you guys stop whining!" said Kallen," I mean, sure, I stuffed your own foot up your unmentionables, but that's what makes life worthwhile, isn't it?"

" Kallen, I think Lelouch slipped into a concussion!" cried Rivalz.

" Oh, this is NOT good!" cried Kallen," If Lelouch dies, then the series is over! Well, at least until the creators can think of another character so they can make a spin-off off of it."

Rivalz got off the bed and into a wheelchair," Well, Kallen, I'm gonna leave you alone with him for no particular reason..."

Rivalz scooted out the door and into a secret room with the student council," Milly, do we HAVE to spy on them? Lelouch's in a coma, for god's sake!"

" But that's why they call it hentai!" Milly started talking to a kid working on the school website," Make sure the cameras can see EVERYTHING!"

**At HQ...**

It had been three hours since the meeting was supposed to begin. Everyone was dying from boredom, and everyone knows the chapter's supposed to begin with a meeting and Ohgi's juice spilling.

" I can't take this anymore!" yelled Tohdoh," I need to kill a Brittanian right now, or I'll lose it!"

Tamaki popped up behind his shoulder," I'll lend you my "Brittanian Evil 5" game, but you've got to have a PS3 to play!"

Tohdoh stared at him blankly," I will not play video games to calm my blood thirst! What's next, looking up porn on the internet?"

" Now THAT'S the spirit, Tohdoh!"

POW!

Tamaki was hit so hard, he crashed out the window," CURSE YOU, VIOLENT VIDEO GAAAAMEES!!!!!..."

C.C. saw that this would NOT end well, so she called Kallen at the hospital.

**At the hosptal...**

Kallen was sitting by Lelouch's bed when her phone rang," Murderer's residence, how may I help you?" she answered, depressed.

" What the heck are you talking about, Pinky?"

"C.C., what do you want? I'm kind of busy at the moment."

" It can't be THAT-"

" I accidently killed Lelouch."

" Ok, it IS that bad."

"WHAT DO I DO!?"

" Ok, stay calm, just breathe in and out!"

Kallen started breathing in and out.

" All right, now rub your belly and talk to your baby!"

" C.C., I'm not pregnant!"

"Sorry, but that's all I know, I'm not a nurse or maid, you know!"

Then, Kallen got an idea,"That's it!"

She digged in Lelouch's pants pocket for his phone," _It's GOT to be here..._"

In the sceret room, the student council was in SHOCK.

" People, raise the price from $3.95 an hour to $6.95 an hour!" commanded Milly," This is quality first-timer stuff here!"

"_Why does she suddenly sound like a porno salesmen?_" thought Rivalz, disgusted, yet slightly amused.

**At HQ...**

Zero was five hours late, and Tohdoh was finally convinced into killing Brittanians in Brittanan Evil 5.

" Hey, look!" said Tohdoh," I shot that guy's head off, then threw it at another guy's balls!"

Rakshata went up to him," Um, Tohdoh, you can't do that in real life."

Tohdoh gasped," You're right! that's why I'll stop fighting in real life and kill safely in here!"

"_We've lost him,_" thought Diethard," Where the f--- are Zero and Captain Kozuki!?"

Tamaki got up from his wheel chair," I already told you, they're being studied by a porno site!"

" Tamaki, that's the most irrational and perverted thing you've ever said," said Ohgi," Everybody knows they're out buying ME juice!":

" They're working on the Guren together!" outbursted Rakshata.

Everyone started to argue about what Zero and Kallen were doing together. Suddenly-

TWEEEEET!

C.C. blew her whistle," Ok, people, let's place our bets on why they're doing what, how, when, and with who besides with each other!"

"HUH?"

The green haired girl sighed," What do you think they're doing?"

" Oh yeah!" Everyone crammed at the betting booth to place bets on they're sick, twisted fantasies.

**At the hospital...**

"Aaaand, got it!" Kallen had finally found Lelouch's phone in his left back pocket.

It had taken her an hour, so the student council got some good footage.

Kallen looked in his contacts and found Sayoko's number. When she called, someone picked up.

:Hello, Lamperouge residence."

"Sayoko, you need to help me!"

"Who is this?"

" Kallen Stadfield, and I accidently killed Le-"

She had hung up on her.

" I'll heve to find help another way," sighed Kallen.

When she turned around, however, Sayoko was standing there.

" You evil bitch! How could you kill Master Lelouch!?" she roared.

" It was an accident!" reasoned Kallen," I never meant to kill him, just to slightly maim him!"

"You're indespicable!" Sayoko leaped at Kallen and started a huge catfight.

There was hairpulling, biting, name calling, and more viwers were subscribing to Ashford Academy's candid camera site. Money was coming in and they had enough money for ten fundraisers.

" People, we need to raise the price again!" said Milly," Make it $10.95 a MINUTE!"

"Rivalz was still standing in the corner," _Still, slightly disgusted, yet amused..."_

**At HQ...**

C.C. stood in front of the Black Knights with the betting stats," Ok, most bets are on that Zer and Kallen are somewhere having an intimate moment for 7 hours, and second is that they're having this momant in the guren or Shinkiro.

Rakashata gasped," They're having a baby...in one of my babies! So there's a bun in the oven...in an oven!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

C.C. continued," Ooookkk, next is that theye're out on a date, next is that they're discussing the meeting...in bed."

Tamaki stood up," WHHOOOO!"

C.C. went on," Next is that they're buying Ohgi juice, and last is that they're working on the Guren!"

Rakshata took a puff of her pipe, and bragged," I'll win for sure! I put a month's salary on "working on the Guren together"!"

Ohgi explained," Rakshata, just because you bet more doesn;t mean you win, that's auctioning!"

"Oh. Well, if I don't win, I guess I'll have to go back to working at....the Academy."

"Um, Rakshata?" Ohgi waved his hand in front of her face, but she was still, and she had a blank expression on her face.

Tamaki went up to him," i think she's having a flashback!"

" So, she wouldn't be bothered if we took a joyride in her Knightmare frames?" asked Ohgi.

" Guess not."

Ohgi grabbed the keys from Rakshata's coat pocket," I call dibs on the Shinkiro!"

**At the hospital...**

Kallen and sayoko had stopped fighting, and were both sitting by Lelouch's side.

" So, how do we wake him up?" asked Kallen, looking at the unconcious warlord.

" I don't know," mumbled Sayoko," But you have to admit, I overpowered you in Round Three, right?"

But Kallen didn't answer. She just stared at Lelouch, waiting for him to wake up.

" Uh, Kali?"

"..."

In the secret room, Milly was getting worried. Ever since the catfight stopped (Sayoko won in the 9th round), they had been losing viewers. They had to do something, fast.

" Let's see, what can we do..." wondered Milly," I know! I'll mind control the maid!"

" How the heck will you do that?" asked Nina, occupied with the website.

" you still have that nano chip and microphone, right?"

"Riiight..."

An evil grin appeared on Milly's face, and the same thought crossed Rivalz's mind:

"_Disgusted, yet slightly amused..."_

_What is Milly going to do? Who will win the bet? Will Lelouch wake up? Will Rivalz stop thinking the same thought over again!? Find out next time on AotBK!_


	6. Ressurection of an Emo Fag, Geass Weilde

**Last time, on the Adventures of the black knights...**

Kallen: (standing over Lelouch's death bed) Doctor, I need to know, how long does he have left!?

Rakshata: Well, let's just say that-

(Lelouch flatlines)

Kallen: NO! (starts crying on Lelouch) NOO!!!

Rakshata: Don't worry; I just tripped over the cable! (Plugs in cable, Lelouch wakes up)

Lelouch: Kallen, what's wrong with you?

Kallen: Lelouch you're all-

(bullet whizzes through room through Lelouch's heart)

Kallen: WTF!?

Tamaki: (holding gun in blindfold) (takes off blindfold) Did I get the piñata?

Kallen: NOOO, Lelouch!

**This is one of those things that MIGHT happen...**

**At the hospital...**

Kallen and Sayoko were still sitting near Lelouch's bed. Kallen looked depressed, and Sayoko was, too.

"Why the heck did you kill Lelouch!?" yelled out Sayoko, breaking the long silence.

"I never meant to!" cried Kallen," It's just something I do on a weekly basis!"

"Well, you-" Sayoko froze in place.

"Um, Sayoko?" asked Kallen.

Milly had put the nano chip in a blow dart tube and shot it into Sayoko's brain," there, now I control her!"

Nina peeked over at the nano chip in Sayoko's head," Are you sure they won't notice it?"

"Of course not!' reassured Milly.

Kallen looked at the back of Sayoko's head," OMG, a piece of metal's stuck in your head!"

Milly quickly slipped on the nano chip's headphones and microphone, speaking in Sayoko's place," Naw, this is just a birthmark!"

Kallen looked suspicious," Really, because-"

Milly quickly made Sayoko yell out," Don't you insult my mama!"

"What'd I say about your ma-"

SLAP!

The mind-controlled Sayoko bitch-slapped Kallen across the room.

Kallen got up and yelled," Oh, you're going DOWN!"

"Thatta girl!" yelled Milly outside of the microphone," Nina, raise the prices! I think we'll have enough for that hot tub!"

**At HQ.. **

Everyone was waiting in anticipation for Zero's return. Rakshata had bet a whole month's salary on that they were working on the Guren, and wasn't prepared to lose. In fact, she upped her bet to a YEAR'S salary!

C.C. stared at her in shock," Dude, are you retarded or something?"

Rakshata took a puff from her pipe again," Hey, just because I was in special ed and failed my Knightmare building class doesn't mean I'm retarded!"

C.C. said to her," Wait, so you NEVER knew how to build a Knightmare?"

"Actually, the models I'm using are substitutes. Kallen and Zero have the real Knightmares! the ones in the garage are booby-trapped!"

His mind numbed from video games, Tohdoh giggled" He heh. Booby."

**In the garage...**

Ohgi approached the cockpit of the Shinkiro," Awesome!"

Beside him, Tamaki was opening up the Guren," I don't get why they don't let US drive the good Knightmare frames!"

Ohgi watched as Tamaki entered the Guren. Inside, he heard him talking.

" Hey, what's this heart-shaped button do?"

Ohgi ran to the cockpit," No, Tamaki, DON'T!"

It was too late. A beep was heard inside, then he heard vibrating, and Tamaki grunting.

" WHAT THE HECK!?" Ohgi heard him yell.

There was much struggling, but a few minutes later, there was silence.

" Tamaki?" asked Ohgi, worried for his half-friend.

" Go away!" yelled Tamaki," I'm busy!"

As Ohgi walked away, Tamaki yelled," WAIT!"

"What?"

" Bring a towel."

Ohgi sweatdropped, then slowly backed away from the Guren.

**At the hospital...**

The catfight had just ended between Kallen and Sayoko. Kallen won this time, because Milly wasn't that good playing video games (she controlled Sayoko with a joystick during the fight.)

" Sorry about breaking your left pinky," said Kallen," But you've gotten soft lately! What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing!" reassured the brainwashed maid," Anyway, I think I have an idea to revive Lelouch!"

Kallen's face lit up immeditaly," REALLY!? I mean, I don't really care, but REALLY!?"

" Sure! All you have to do is kiss and make up!"

The smile went away from Kallen's face," What?"

Milly had to think of something else to say," I mean, like in Sleeping Beauty- except your the prince and he's Aurora!"

Kallen thought about it for a minute, then said," Are you sure? You don't sound like yourself, Sayoko."

Milly panicked," _What do I do!? I HAVE to get more viewers if I want that plasma screen in the new reek center/spa!"_

Quickly, she yelled," Just do it!"

" Fine then, you ninja bitch!" Kallen walked towards the unconcious Lelouch," _Should I do this? I mean, it MIGHT work, but I don't know..._"

As Kallen leaned towards Lelouch, Milly's cameras zoomed in.

" Come on!" said Milly," Get it over with!"

Rivalz got up the courage to say," Milly, are you sure this is right? The story's a comedy, for Geass' sake!"

Milly walked over to Rivalz," OK, one, do NOT use that pun in this story!" she b-slapped him, then added," Two, if she lands this kiss, we'll have enough to buy me that tennis court!"

"Um, Milly?"

"What?"

"Your mic's still on."

"What the heck does that- Uh oh."

Just before Kallen did the deed, she heard Sayoko arguing with an invisible person," Sayoko, are you all right?"

"Um, what do you mean?"

"You've been arguing with an invisible midget!"

"Um, SHUT UP!" Sayoko shoved Kallen onto Lelouch's bed and ran like heck.

Kallen got up on the bed," WHY, YOU-"

"Kallen, why're you sitting on me?"

"HUH?"

**At HQ...**

Diethard and Rakshata were arguing over if Osama bin laden could kick Hussein's butt in Code US Border when Ohgi ran into the room.

"Ohgi, what's wrong?" asked Rakshata," You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"yeah!" agreed Diethard," Either that or you witnessed your friend playing with himself!"

"Well..."

Diethard ran past him, knocking over a glass of grape juice on the table," I'll get my camera!"

Ohgi stared down at the mess, speechless.

"Ohgi?" asked Rakshata," It's OK. It's just a little me-"

" JUST A LITTLE MESS!?" cried Ohgi," This has happened in almost every episode! I'm quitting!" Ohgi walked to the elevator.

"Aw, come on, Ohgi!" Rakshata ran after him," Tell you what- I have a sister who loves juice just as much as you do!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Her name is Villeta"

**At the hospital...**

Kallen was speechless for a few seconds, then cried," Lelouch, you're alive!"

"Well, I was never really- OW!" Kallen had pulled Lelouch into a back-breaking hug.

"I thought I killed you!" said Kallen," I promise I'll only beat you for a legitimate reason!"

As Lelouch was released from the hug, he mentioned," Well, I wasn't really dead in the first place."

"HUH?"

"Yeah, I was just so tired after you beat me, I fell asleep."

Kallen couldn't believe it. She almost did a Sleeping Beauty scene with him when he was ASLEEP!?

"You idiot!" Kallen slapped him on the back of the head," I can't believe I almost kissed you when you were only sleeping!"

"Well, that's completely understanda- Wait, you almost kissed me?"

POW!

_Well, that's how Lelouch "came back to life". When Lelouch and Kallen came back to HQ, they explained that they were "working on the Guren". Rakshata won the bet and now doesn't have to go back to work at the Academy. Tamaki has grown a sincere bond with the Guren, but after a few of Kallen's beatings, has gone back to video games. Tohdoh has been addicted to Brittanian Evil 5 for 2 months now, but after a visit from Oprah, has learned that it's better to fight with a cause and kill actual people than waste your life in front of a glass screen. So now, he plays it in front of a plasma. Thank you all, for reading this epilogue!_

P.S. The series is NOT over yet!


End file.

Code Geass, Humor