Harry Potter 1. Enter Caligula

**Hi there! This is my new fic-'Grandfather Flint Returns'. It's a more Marcus-centered story that is family and humor-oriented...with of course, the additions of mature subject manner and inappropriate behavior. I will give you fair warning, there will most likely be controversial/dark/obscene/blasphemous behavior, jokes and content within this fic. It's inspired by various comedians and Seth MacFarlane, which the world knows is the creator of similar-themed shows such as Family Guy, American Dad, the Cleveland Show...and you know what goes on in there. The same goes for shows like Robot Chicken, Rick and Morty and the like.**

**Note that whatever the OC or any other character says about a certain person/controversial subject/what have you...it does not reflect my actual views whatsoever. This is not a debate site, therefore my views do not matter. This is fanfiction and it'll be treated as such. The same goes for my next idea I am working on...which you'll see later when I decide to post. I'll give the same warning. Besides, there are a lot of people who do appreciate this sort of humor, so I'm giving the readers what they want. Don't say I didn't give you a heads-up.**

**Author's note and Disclaimer: I don't own HP and I never will! The OC is mine, though the last name is Rowling's...you get the idea. Any errors are my own and feel free to correct. Let me know what you think and enjoy! I'm trying my best to make this funnier...so..bear with me. :P Not used to writing mostly humor.**

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**Chapter One-Enter Caligula**

_~Autumn, Saturday morning, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry-Dumbledore's office.~_

"Another one! That's the fifth one in the past two weeks! Honestly, Albus..you have got to do something about all these escaped convicts and Dementors making their way into the school! One of the prefects swore she saw a troll hovering near the edge of the Forbidden Forest scoping out an entryway! We've received countless Howlers from parents and there's been complaints to the Ministry...how else can we expect to keep this school running if it's no longer safe?!" "McGonagall has a point, Albus. Face it, the wards aren't as strong as they used to be. They need to be replaced at once."

An elderly wizard was leaning in his favorite oak chair; sucking on a prized lemondrop, eyeing his most trusted employees standing before him. His periwinkle-blue eyes twinkled as he replied "I'm quite aware of the troubles at hand, dear Minerva and Severus. As of late, it wasn't anything Remus couldn't handle."

"As of late, he's been gone...sorting out the problems between bickering werewolf clans. You need someone to take over his lessons as well and I can't juggle both DADA and Potions like I did last year." Snape retorted as he gazed at the headmaster with pitch-black eyes.

Dumbledore chuckled, seeing as it further irritated the Potions Master. "Don't worry, I have the perfect person in mind." "I sure hope so, Albus. We're going to need them, whoever they are." McGonagall sighed as she stepped out, leaving the two men alone. Severus narrowed his orbs "Are you contacting who I think it is?" "Ohhh yes."

"Oh, Merlin..." The dungeon bat left the office, muttering something about restocking his liquor cabinet. Smiling to himself, he opened the pewter box on the top right hand corner of his desk, flicking through the cards. He soon found the address he was looking for. _'Now to contact one of my most...interesting...former students...' _he mused while he scribbled down on a leaf of parchment.

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_~Midday, At an undisclosed location in the United Kingdom...~_

"Now I know I put that rusty spoon somewhere...what the fuck did I do with it?...no...it was those goddamn nargles again. Rotten bastards...where's a bloody bugzapper when you need it?! At least I can put that on my Yuletide list..." A loud tapping sounded on his window. Throwing a chair into the wall for no apparent reason whatsoever, he opened the window, allowing a fiery red bird to perch atop of his fireplace. Fawkes twittered at the man, extending a leg with a letter attached. The man gently took the letter and unraveled the ribbon.

_"-Greetings, Mr. Flint. I say, it has been a while since I saw you last...clearly in public. Anyway, I'm writing to ask for your assistance. As I'm sure you've heard, there have been some...issues...with the wards surrounding Hogwarts and I was hoping you'd consider returning to your alma mater to repair them. Also, we need someone to fill in as the temporary Defense instructor, our current professor...is on leave. You'll be given your own quarters and free roam about the grounds...which we both realize you know them like the back of your wand. In between, I'm sure a certain someone will be happy to see you. No, I won't blab. You'd like to make an entrance. Please return a reply as soon as it's feasible...or go about it your own way...as usual. P.S.-Thank you for leaving at least one address for contact. ~Regards, Albus Dumbledore.-" _

_'Well, well well...still alive, old goat? And yes...I'm quite aware of the break-ins, the Dementors and the fucking troll-which is of no relation...and Remus baying at the moon with the wolfpacks. Why couldn't you have mounted their heads on a pike? That would have deterred most of them, but noooo...you have to be all noble and legal about it. Dick. Anyway, at least I have something better to do, today.' _he mused as he packed his belongings and waltzed out the door. Leaping over a fence, he barked at a skeletal horse-like creature "Griffin! Drop that squirrel! We're going on vacation!" Several minutes and a loud 'crack' later, two figures appeared in the Forbidden Forest. ''Hello, Hoggy!''

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_~Back in the castle...~_

Albus was standing in front of his office door, taking his time to pick the scone crumbs out from his gigantic beard._ 'There we are..last one. I seriously should consider crumb-proofing my facial hair...' _he turned the knob, stepping inside to see the room was already occupied. "You know, I would've expected you to have departed by choking on lemondrop already. Of course, choking on a dick would have been more appropriate, if you catch my drift. In my opinion, either would have been a hilarious and embarrassing way to go..." "Nice to see you too, Caligula."

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**So...your thoughts? Anyway, thanks again for reading! :) The chapters will get longer, I promise!**


	2. Surprise!

**Hey there! Thanks again to those who gave this piece a chance! Just another quick note: In this, there will be mentions of homosexual relationships. Don't like it? Leave. Also, the wizarding people are aware of muggle culture and use the references in conversation and other stuff. They're not like 'Huh? Da fuck is that?' To those who have been wondering-Yes. Caligula Flint was inspired by the real Roman emperor Caligula...if you've read about him, I'm sure you'll understand. No, this OC is not nor ever has indulged in presumed incest. Enjoy chapter two! :)**

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**Chapter Two-Surprise!**

"Goddamn it! We almost had them last time! Seriously, we need to invest in Firebolts!" "Or at least another Seeker..." "I would ask Higgs to come back..but he likes being off the Pitch. It's more time for him to come with interesting roleplay ideas for the both of you, Pucey." Flint snickered as Adrian playfully pushed him. "Catholic schoolboy uniforms, anyone?" Warrington grinned as the Chaser smirked, trying to conceal a light blush as they headed out of Hogsmeade.

"So Flint, what you and the boyfriend have planned for this evening?" Graham queried as the boys stepped into one of the castle corridors. "Uh, probably a nice shag after dinner...I think he's wanting to try out a few things." "Terence must have gotten to him." "Probably." The towering Slytherin shrugged as he traipsed down the hall.

As they continued, Marcus couldn't help but feel something was different in the air, yet familiar. He gazed around him, hoping to catch what it was. Above Flint in a shadowed alcove, stood a figure peering down at him, his lips pulled back into a smile. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small bag with what appeared to be glass marbles.

"Like I said...the trick is to..ow!..the fuck was that?" Graham asked aloud, feeling a hard tap on his head, hearing light clattering on the stone floor. Lucian stooped down to pick it up. "What is it, Bole?" "Eh...looks like a .." he turned it around "...a glass...eyeball?" Another pinged Montague on the head. "Hey!" he whipped out his wand, directing it at no one. Marcus picked up this one. "It's not Tuesday..." "Flint, what does that have to do with the assault on my head?"

"Everything. It has everything to do with it.." "Uh...huh.." the third Chaser decided to let it go. His captain had a multitude of quirks, this being one of them. "Can we get to the dungeons now? I'm in need of a nap." Bletchley groaned, exhausted from the outing at Hogsmeade Village. "Sure..." Flint said as he searched about the corridor with icy blue eyes before turning around, walking away...unbeknownst to the amused giggling in the distance.

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As the Snakes wandered closer to the dungeons, Marcus was rolling the glass eye in his hand _'It's been a while since I saw these, the last time I did was when..' _he stopped, hearing a faint clip-clopping noise to his right. Flint watched as a shadow passed behind the corner. Veering off course, he poked his head around, only to drop his jaw in awe. "How did you get here? Did you wander off again?" "Flint...what are you gaping at this time?" Warrington peered over his mate's shoulder, seeing nothing. "Dude, the corridor is vacant."

"No it isn't. Remember Griffin? I told you about him..." The Beater nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah, the thestral. Why is he here?" "I dunno...thestrals tend not to stay put." Marcus pointed it out, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world...and it was. He gazed at the withered quadruped as it sniffed the tapestries hanging along the wall. "Ok. So...you coming back with us or what?" "Yeah...I'm coming." he returned, taking one last look at the thestral. _'First the glass eyes...then Griffin. Could he be here? After all this time?' _

''_Praetorian_." the portrait door swung open. They walked in, only to meet a loud bark "Heeeeyyy Marky!" "Jesus fucking-!" a startled Lucian fell backwards over a footstool. "Ha-ha!" the visitor pointed, jeering as the Beater scrambled to his feet. Thankfully, no one else was around to have witnessed that. Marcus's face lit up "Grandfather!" he rushed over to meet the elder Flint in a bearhug, each crushing the other. "How's my favorite grandson?"

"I'm great. It's good to see you! How are you?...what are you doing here?" Caligula grinned, digging through his bag. "Good ol' Dumbles needed my assistance. The wards are like Lord Goyle's willpower when it comes to food...full of holes and weak. So, I'm here to repair 'em. Also, I am going to take over the Defense classes 'til Lupin gets his hairy arse over here. Catch!" he tossed a small box to each of the Slytherins. "You know I never forget to bring gifts. Where's Terence?"

"He's currently at Hogsmeade, probably getting a bottle of melted chocolate for another of his and Adrian's escapades...ooh! More dragon teeth..." Marcus smiled as he clasped the necklace around his neck. Caligula snorted "Somebody's had a lot of time on their hands...though as to how that happened is unfortunate." he narrowed his equally icy blue eyes, remembering how exactly Terence was booted off the team.

"So, Caligula...when do you start?" Warrington asked as he fiddled with his new oriental medallion. "Eh, Monday. I begin terrorizing Monday. It won't take long to rebuild the wards. They'll be fresh by tomorrow morning. How's Nero?" "Oh, Grandfather's fine...still being the legendary arsehole he is. Of course...it runs in the family."

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"Heh...oh yeah. That's true. Anyway, you guys go ahead and play with your toys, I...have a gray tabby to annoy." the elder Flint waved his wand, charmed himself invisible and traipsed out of the Slytherin common room. "Ohhh...McGonagall's gonna love that." Montague snickered, knowing that Caligula's former schoolmate doesn't take too kindly to him. "So, Flint...Grandad's finally back in town. Been forever since we last heard from him..." Adrian mused aloud, as they went inside their dorm.

"Well, you know him. In between bouncing from town to town, continent to continent..working and raising hell, he doesn't always get to see me." "How do you think the others are going to handle him?" "Oh, they're going to get a very rude awakening..." Marcus giggled, menacingly. _'I don't doubt that..' _Bole mused as he watched his mate mimic his grandfather's exact expression.

That night in Dumbledore's office, a fuming deputy headmistress was screeching whilst the headmaster tried to drown it out, sucking on lemondrops. "Why, in Merlin's name...why?! Why him?! You know I cannot stand that obnoxious, insane mammoth of a man!" "Dear Minerva, he was free and perfect for the job. Yes, he is colorful and excitable...but he gets the work done." "There are plenty of warders to choose from!"

"Not like him. Caligula isn't a master warder for nothing. And plus, no creature nor convict will be able to get past him...you know as well as I of what that man is capable of. His grandson is here, and there is no way he'll allow his safety to become jeopardized. So, while he's at Hogwarts...I ask you not to kill him...well, you wouldn't succeed even if you tried..." "Don't remind me.."

"Aww...talking about someone while they're not in the room? That's not nice.." Minerva jumped, aiming her wand at no one. "Reveal yourself, you insufferable nimrod." Caligula appeared, reclining in the chair adjacent to Albus. He's used to this man popping up out of nowhere, regardless of the barriers, and uninvited. "Yes, you frigid cat. It is I. How lovely to see you. Still bumping holes with Pomona?" Minerva reddened "You're repulsive." "I'll take that as a 'no'..." "Ahem.." Dumbledore beckoned their attention.

"Have you begun repairing the wards?" "First, had to wrangle a dementor. Sheez...those things go rogue more often than not. I thought about putting this one in my house but that portrait of my mother-in-law does enough...sucking the happiness and the soul right out of you. Glad that bitch is dead...anyway, I set up a trap to capture any more while I work. They shall be up and running before dawn."

"Excellent. I trust you won't be collaborating with Peeves on his nightly rounds?" "I can't promise that.." Albus sighed "Indeed. Well, goodnight and the students will see you Monday." Flint trudged his way towards the door "Yep, and you may want to place that nude portrait of Gellert somewhere else. He's been eyeing Salazar a little too long and Godric's not too happy with that. Bye..." Minerva turned her head to a blushing Dumbledore, who tried hiding in his teacup. "Nude portrait of Grindelwald?" "I don't bother you about Pomona or over that compromising sketch of you two.." "Point taken.."

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**What you think? I'm open for suggestions on ridiculous content-feel free to inbox! Review/Fave/Follow...whatever! :)**


	3. Monday Mania

**Hey! Thank you to those who have kept following the updates! :P Later in this chapter, there will be some featuring of the Golden trio and Draco...but it's only a bit. Just thought I'd mention it. **

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**Chapter Three-Monday Mania**

Monday morning rose and Caligula Flint was in high spirits. Saturday night proved to be quite entertaining as he caught five dementors and one escaped convict while he repaired the wards. He tossed them into a charmed pit_. ~''This is not Azkaban! What are you doing, putting me in here?!" "Giving you polite company. Besides, you're getting the Kiss anyway for killing six aurors. Well, that's if I decide to let you live..depending what's on TV. See ya."~_ He chuckled to himself at the memory while he arranged his hair into a long ponytail.

After stepping into his knee-high, dragonhide combat boots; Caligula sauntered merrily into the corridor, being sure to overturn a few portraits on the way down at every which angle, royally pissing off the occupants inside. He also reversed the helmets on the suits of armor. Rounding the corner, he saw an identical pair of mischievous redheads, grinning as one tapped their wandtip onto a squishy little package, attaching it to the overhang of the archway. "This oughta give 'em a happy Monday, eh Gred?"

"Totally, Forge. This swampy-sack is bound to work perfectly! As soon as they pass through, splash!" He further observed as they waited for a group to arrive-it was Marcus and his friends. _'I don't think so, you little bastards.' _Using a voiceless 'Flipendo!'; the twins were hurled underneath the archway and their prank exploded, showering them in sticky, smelly, murky greenish-brown goo.

"Ergh! What happened?!" "I dunno...it wasn't me!" they both sputtered, trying to get the rancid taste out of their mouths as Flint and numerous spectators laughed. Caligula smirked as he took an alternate route towards the Great Hall, entering before the students arrived. Taking a seat next to Severus, he allowed his eyes to shift amongst the tables.

It took a few minutes for people to notice he was even there. ''Hey, who's that?" "Is it me, or does he look just like Flint?" "For an old guy, he's way hotter than Flint." Malfoy's jaw dropped once he got a good view of this man. "Oh, no.." he gulped as he and the former lord locked eyes. "Well, look what Dumbles decided to drag in...a complete psycho." Pansy drawled as she eyed their newest addition to the faculty.

''Students, may I have your attention please?" Dumbledore announced as the students stopped eating, watching him. "Thank you. As I'm sure you've noticed, we have an unfamiliar face in our midst. I'd like to introduce to you, Caligula Flint. While Professor Lupin is away, he will take over as your temporary Defense instructor. Also, he successfully repaired our wards within hours, so you are safe once again. That doesn't mean you're free to roam outside the castle after dark. The rules still apply. Enjoy your meal."

Once he finished, multiple students' faces paled and held complete shock while the rest began whispering furiously. Interestingly, it was the purebloods mainly. "What the hell is that man doing here? My grandfather says he shouldn't be allowed to walk the streets!" "I've heard a lot of stories about him. There's rumor he's killed a lot of people...even before he graduated." "He's insane. Don't tell anyone else I said this, but personally, I think he could give You-Know-Who a run for his money..."

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Colin mused aloud, sipping his pumpkin juice "Caligula...that is an interesting name. Who is he exactly, Percy?" The prefect responded "He's Flint's grandfather. From what I have been told, this man is a force to be reckoned with...a powerful, frightening man. He went to school with my own grandfather and also terrorized the halls in between schoolwork and managing the Slytherin Quidditch team."

"So, I take it his brash behavior runs in the family?" "Honestly, yes." "What else do you know about him?" "Well, I know he was a former lord and worked as an Unspeakable. Apparently, he's also a master warder. He's something like a 'jack-of-all-trades.' My parents don't like to speak about him...and from what I gather, nobody else's does either.''

Down the table, Ron was relaying the same information to Hermione and Harry. "I'm telling you, he's absolutely mental from what Mum said." "If Caligula's a supposed 'deranged psychopath', why is he allowed to walk freely in society?" "I dunno, 'Mione. I think it's because he hails from one of the most powerful ancient families in Britain and has galleons pouring out of his ears, honestly. There's also the bit of him working as an Unspeakable...but I assume it's really the latter."

Harry asked "Unspeakable, as in he worked with aurors?" "Yeah, he did...though they dealt with the more dangerous and specialized undercover missions from what Shacklebolt described. Elite lords normally don't immerse themselves into that line of work, he's the first I know of who did." "Wow.."

Soon after breakfast ended, everyone left to their first classes. Caligula was sashaying his way through the corridors like a classy bitch, getting lustful stares from many of the girls AND the guys. At sixty, Caligula Flint appeared as if he was in his mid to late forties-his long, thick midnight black hair was streaked with silver and a few white strands, giving him a silver fox sort of look. His face held a square jaw, high cheekbones, and almond-shaped eyes that were the exact ethereal ice blue shade Marcus's held. Also, he had straight teeth. Plus, Caligula had large, dark eyebrows that were not overbearing...no beard and his face did have some wrinkles-honestly, the man wasn't thirty anymore.

He stood at six feet, six inches...one inch shorter than Marcus. He had brawn to match his height. All in all, the Flints aged gracefully...much to the envy of some fellow purebloods in his circle. Even with his lack of sanity, this man was a fucking catch.

As he progressed to the DADA classroom, he couldn't help but smirk at the comments made behind his back. "For an old guy, he's gorgeous." "Yeah, all that silver makes him distinguished." To his left, he heard three Gryffindors giggle. "Are you two serious? Katie, Angelina...oh my god!" "No lie, I'd do it." Angelina retorted "Honestly, if there was one man over fifty that I'd fuck, it would definitely be him." _'Yeeaah...that's not gonna happen. I have a type or two..or three.. and you are certainly not it. Still flattered, though.'_

This class, it was the sixth-years...a large mixture of all four houses. While Caligula perused the attendance roster, a group of girls were having an animated conversation near seven Slytherin boys up front. "Man, can you believe he's related to Marcus Flint?" "I know...I mean, look at them. Look at how hot Caligula is...even Flint's dad is a babe." "When it comes to Flint, ugh...what the fuck happened?"

"I think looks skipped a generation. Why else would he have turned out to be a troll? An ugly one, if that. I bet you his father's ashamed of what he spawned." They laughed as Marcus pretended not to hear, glaring at his desktop._ 'You're quite brave to do that right in front of me. Bell, Chang, Johnson, and Clearwater...I got you.' _Caligula mused as he gazed between them and his grandson, who sullenly peered up at him through long, dark eyelashes.

Rising from his seat, he nonchalantly dragged his nails across the chalkboard. The motion emitted an ear-piercing screech as he walked from one end to the other. He smiled serenely as the students shielded their ears. "Glad I could garner your attention. It's time for class to begin. I'm Professor Flint and you will address me as such. For this lesson, I'll need four lively volunteers...who will be the lucky quartet?" Many hands went up, typically...they were mostly female, one of the males was Cedric Diggory.

_'Yeah, that's no surprise...half the men in his family are bent.' _He slithered his way over to the first front table. In a seductive tone, Caligula voiced "You, you, you and you. Would you ladies do the honors?" Angelina, Cho, Katie and Penelope fiercely nodded as they jumped out of their seats, making their way to the front of the class.

"Today, we're trying a more subversive defense. It's more along the lines of no defense at all...to hide...lie in wait. Besides disillusionment and masking spells, there is assuming the form of an object, element or creature. It's quite fucking difficult...especially with the elementals. Fire, they'll put it out...water..they'll dry up or take a piss in it. Just pray they attempt the first thing...all I'm saying."

The class lightly laughed at that. "However, it's more feasible to become a creature and the amazing thing about this is...you don't need polyjuice potion! Now, I will demonstrate said maneuver. So...what shall I turn them into? Seductive vampiresses?...enchanting elves?...dazzling mermaids? Come on, speak up!" The class shouted several suggestions ranging from vampiress to dwarf.

"Very good ideas. Vampiress it is..." he grinned. His smile faltered as quickly as it arrived "...but I changed my mind. Vampiress won't do it...neither an elf nor mermaid will either. Oh no..but this will. _Dissimulo sicut* troll_!" he bellowed as the quartet were turned into four giant female mountain trolls...each as gray-green, lumpy, squinty-eyed and gnarled-toothed as the last. The girls shrieked at each other's appearance.

Transfiguring a wide, full-length mirror, he taunted "Take a long gander ladies...that's exactly what a lumbering, ugly mountain troll looks like. Hahahaha! Did I do a good job or what, huh...ladies and gentlemen?!" he cackled as the class roared with laughter, particularly the Slytherins. Even Percy towards the back was having himself a fitful giggle.

"Professor, please! Turn us back!" Penelope pleaded as she avoided the mirror. "Nah. I think this is an improvement." "Professor, we'll do anything if you take this off!" Chang cried. "I'm afraid sucking my dick won't get you out of this one. Besides, I dunno where the hell your mouth has been. Of course, Filch has been looking much happier lately..." The troll-girls grimaced at the unpleasant image. "Eww!" "Nasty!" "That's disgusting, what is wrong with you?!" "I think I almost threw up..."

Caligula casually leaned against his desk, giving them a thumbs-up. "Glad I could help! And class, the counterspell is _Retexo dissimulo*_. None of you use this on them...they're going to remain as trolls for the rest of the period. You four...sit down.'' he smugly raised an eyebrow as he directed them to their seats.

At the end of class, Caligula reluctantly reversed the spell and they hauled ass out of the room. Marcus was the last to leave. ''Thanks, Grand-dad." His grandfather smiled "No problem, Marky. See you later." Waving his grandson off, he pondered _'I should have left that spell semi-permanent...maybe dropped them off in the woods. I hear it's mating season.' _he inwardly cackled at the thought. _'Well, if I hear them make another crack like that again, I know exactly where to send them.'_

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This Monday afternoon, he had the Fourth Year Gryffindor/Slytherin group. "Oh ho...this should be good.'' he muttered as he watched the house rivals file inside the classroom...Gryffindors to the left, Slytherins to the right. Everyone began chatting amongst themselves until he waltzed in, deciding to randomly change his greeting. "Alright, sit down and shut the fuck up! It's time to start the lesson!" Utterly shocked by their professor's greeting, they obeyed like quiet little church mice.

He stood in front of his desk, then paced back and forth before sitting atop the oak. "As you know, I am Caligula Flint but you will address me as Professor Flint. In this class, you will be doing things my way. I know where Lupin left off.. and Granger, keep that hand down until I am finished." she sheepishly placed her slightly hovering hand back onto the desk.

"Yes, I am aware of you being the first to spring up like a fresh daisy to answer every goddamn question. I admire intelligence but I will not tolerate know-it-alls stealing every chance their fellow classmates could have." Draco smirked at the tongue-lashing. "And...I won't have the likes of a silvery-blonde brat stealing the glory and trying to impress everyone, wanting the validation his prissy, disapproving father never gave him." he added, glaring at Malfoy out the corner of his eye. _'Ouch!..damn. I think I'm going to like this man.' _Colin inwardly snickered as Draco was indirectly berated.

"In short, everyone will have his/her turn in this class. You'll be learning from my approach, seeing as some of you aspire going into the auror academy and you'll need to learn how to be flexible. That or be slaughtered. Plain and simple. Don't like it? Get the fuck out." he watched, noticing they remained sitting. "No takers? Good. Let's get started." After going over the brief lesson, it was time to practice. "Alright, now to choose...who will be my first victim? You?...you?...you?.." he lazily pointed from Harry to Dean, then to Seamus.

"Or...you." he unexpectedly fired a stunner at Malfoy, sending him crashing to the floor. Seething, Draco snarled as he reclaimed his footing "No warning to a student? I thought all brilliant minds were supposed to give one before they launch an attack. But then again, I'm speaking with a low-brow ignoramus with psychopathic tendencies." Caligula started chuckling "Aw, how cute. Little Dragon is trying to mimic his daddy...the classic Malfoy sneer, scrunching up that nose..."

"Listen here, you demented old crone...I demand you stop taunting me at once or else my father will see to it that-" "That what? What is your father going to do to me that hasn't been tried before? Quit whining like a little bitch." "How dare you speak to me in such a manner! My father will surely have you locked up in a cell where you belong." Caligula approached him slowly, further taunting the ice prince.

"Daddy! Daddy! There's a really bad man making fun of me...waah!" Comically gesturing, he shouted "Waah! Waah! I'm just gonna pitch a fit and throw my daddy's money and influence around every time I can't get my way! Waah!" he finished that last part, then got in his face, lowering his voice to a normal tone.

"Gets annoying when I'm all up in your face, huh? You don't like it when you're challenged, do you Draco? Well, sweetheart...get used to it. I don't care how many times you call your father up here, you will not fuck with me. You think you can run with the big boys, shoot your mouth and wand, and believe your name will get you out of it. No. I can assure you this, I've been around the block long before you were sired and if you buck up to me, I will knock you on your arse so fast...Lucius won't be able to pick himself up off the floor. And...we know how hard that is when he pisses a certain someone off..." he whispered that last sentence.

"Oh yes...I know. I've always known." Draco remained silent, glaring holes into the towering man in front of him. Caligula returned to the astonished class "Let this be a lesson to all of you. Never let your guard down...prime example right here. Now, can anyone else do this without bitching?"

Once their session ended, the students hurried to leave, except for a few. Colin queried "So, Cormac. What you think of him?" "Personally, he's the best instructor I've ever had. It's too bad he's only temporary." he sighed. "I agree. Man, I have never seen any teacher light Malfoy up like he did, it was fucking great. That 'waah' bit reminded me of that one Family Guy episode." "I have to admit, Malfoy had it coming." Neville commented serenely. "Think we'll see more of this?" "I think it's only the beginning.."

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***Dissimulo sicut: "Disguise as"...then I added troll for that made-up spell.**

***Retexo dissimulo: "Reverse disguise"**

**And yes, Caligula's asshole moment was inspired by one episode in Family Guy...the one scene where Brian taunts a screaming child in a restaurant. XD I told you I had inspiration!**


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Harry Potter, Family, Humor