Kingdom Hearts 1. Chapter 1

Okay, just let me clear this up before you guys start asking;

This is NOT my first fanfiction. It is just the first one I have ever submitted onto this site. Got it (memorized)? Good.

Well, then, now that I'm done with that, let me introduce myself. My name is Miyuu. Well, not really, it's Emily, but Miyuu sounds cooler. I am a friend of Rin Saizuchi's, and after seeing her self-insertion crackfic, I was inspired to make a self-insert myself. If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but myself and the plot. And Rin's soul. 3

* * *

I had just been stuffing around, minding my own business. What that really such a crime? Well, whoever the 'High-and-mighty' man in the sky was seemed to think so, for the way I'd been punished. I was trapped, behind purple bars, in a pure white cell. I assure you, I had no idea what I was doing here. I hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't even know how I'd gotten here, all I knew was that someone had grabbed me from behind and taken me away. I just assumed I'd been kidnapped. If they were planning to use me for ransom, they'd better be ready for disappointment. I lived on my own, and I barely had enough money as it was. With all the cash I spent on video games? I could barely pay the rent. But, it was worth it. To me, at least. I didn't need a boyfriend. I didn't need a life. All I needed was the pure satisfaction of beating another boss on Kingdom Hearts II. I smiled. As soon as I got back, I was getting straight on the Playstation2 and getting back to whipping Xaldin's ass. I _still_ hadn't beaten him. Sure, I loved video games, but that didn't necessarily mean I was _good _at them.

"Get up."

My train of thought was interrupted as a voice shook me out of my trance-like state. I frowned and glared at whoever it was who spoke. Well, I would have glared… But I couldn't be bothered to open my eyes…

"I said GET UP."

I ignored the voice, again. The floor was comfortable…

"GET. THE FUCK. UP."

"… Mmn… I dun wanna go to school… five more minutes…" I mumbled, playing innocent.

"Maybe I should be clearer. GET THE HELL UP BEFORE I LET VEXEN STRAP YOU TO A TABLE AND USE YOU AS HIS NEW GUINEA PIG!" he roared. I bolted upright.

"I-I-I is up! I'm up! The answer is twelve! No, fourteen! The father of Henry the fifteenth…"

I flopped to the ground again and groaned, unexpectedly exhausted. The owner of the voice hauled me to my feet and whacked me over the head. I growled.

"What the fuck was that fo… wait, what the hell…?" I trailed off as I looked at the man standing beside me. Blue hair. Pointy ears. Yellow eyes. An uncanny resemblance to one of my favourite video game characters. I blinked.

"Hooray. I've been kidnapped by a Saïx cosplayer." My sarcastic side kicked in as I rolled my eyes. "So, what am I here for, calling your character a kiss up gay bastard or what?"

The 'Saïx cosplayer' let out a low growl. I widened my eyes in mock surprise.

"Oh, it's not? Then is it about that crackfic I wrote on about a fight between you and Marluxia? Or is it for the time I drew a requested fanart of you with your guts spilled all over the ground? 'Cuz you gotta admit, that WAS awesome…"

"I. Am here. Because the Superior asked me to retrieve my captive and let him speak with you. No. Other. Reason."

I smiled gleefully. "Ooh, so we're _role-playing_ now! Can I be my character Yuxumi? Pretty please?"

"No."

I pouted.

* * *

"So, what weird dipshit had so much time on his hands he decided to build an exact replica of the Castle That Never Was? Because I have got to meet him. After my legs stop aching, at least…"

I complained loudly as we neared the top of the stairs, leading to what I supposed would be the 'Superior's' office… Or to be more specific, the person who was cosplaying as the superior. I looked up as I heard 'Saïx' knock on a door.

"Superior, I've brought her."

"Bring her in, VII."

I was impressed. He'd gotten the voice perfectly… I wondered what kind of person could possibly emit such a deep sound. This guy must have hell long vocal cords… I looked up eagerly as the door swung open. I wanted to see if he'd gotten the outfit and hair as perfect as the voice. Turns out he had. Orange contacts? I _so_ had to ask him where he got them. … Eventually. As soon as 'Xemnas' opened his mouth to speak, I interrupted him.

"Where can I get one of those cloaks?" I asked. 'Xemnas' blinked.

"… I'm sorry, what?" he asked, seemingly confused.

"Where. Can I get. One of those. Cloaks?" I repeated, enunciating every syllable as though I was addressing a mentally disabled person.

"Well, you have to travel through a portal of darkness and when you come out, you just have one on, I guess,"* he explained. I rolled my eyes.

"Well I know _that,_ but that only happens in the game. This is reality. Not a fantasy video game. You guys have to have either made those things yourselves or bought them somewhere. And, seeing as guys have no talent when it comes to sewing and those things fit you perfectly, you must have bought them somewhere. So, where. Did. You. Buy them?"

'Xemnas' just stared at me as though I were insane. 'Saïx' cleared his throat.

"Um, superior, there's one… _problem,_ you see. She seems to think that we're… 'cosplayers,' or whatever it is the people from her world call them." 'Xemnas' frowned.

"I see..."

"Well, whatever it is you see, I sure don't," I complained. "All I know is that you guys are probably insane. Or maybe I am. But, then again, I always have been. So I'll have to assume it's you. And that is _not_ good."

'Xemnas' ignored me. "What do we have to do to make you understand that we're the real thing?"

I shrugged. "I dunno, summon your weapons or something?"

"Easy said as done."

'Saïx' stuck his hand out, and, out of nowhere, his claymore appeared. 'Xemnas' did the same, but with both hands. I stared in awe as his lighsab-- AERIAL BLADES poppedout of his hands. There was no denying it, these were real. I held my head in my hands and turned away.

"I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. This has got to be a dream. I'm not going crazy Please… tell me I'm dreaming…"

"You're not dreaming, and you're not insane. We brought you here because there's something we need you to do to help us. Got it memorized?" My eyes widened as I heard that all-too-familiar voice behind me.

"… Axel?"

He smirked. "In the flesh, babe."

I allowed myself a small evil grin. I was talking to Axel. The most fangirl-able member of the Organization to date. Time to do something I'd always wanted to do, yet never thought I'd have the chance to. Slowly letting my hands down from my head, I turned around and walked towards him.

"So… you're really… Axel?" I asked. I didn't even need to look at his face to know his smirk had widened. He obviously thought I was one of his crazed fans.

"I just said so, didn't I?" he said, with a wink. I could've thrown up right then and there. But, that woul've ruined my charade. I lifted up one hand, and touched his arm. I let my eyes widen, as though I was surprised he was actually solid. I could almost see the smug grin on his face. It was right at that moment when I dropped my pitiful illusion of fangirl-ness. Letting him see my smile, which was that of a serial killer, for a split second, I raised my other fist and socked him square in the chest. I also delivered a swift kick to the crotch area, for good measure. My smile widened into an Ichimaru-like grin as I looked at him in his fetal position, trying his best not to let tears escape.

"You… bitch…!" he panted. I flashed him the finger.

"That's what you get for thinking that I'd fangirl someone as idiotic as you."

* * *

Ah, yes, Axel abuse. One of my favourite pastimes.

* * *

* - yes, that is what happens. They don't just make the cloaks. Look up the organization's cloaks on Kingdom Hearts Wiki, it'll tell you roughly the same thing.

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Hey, guys? If you read this, review. I'm not going to be able to improve my writing without feedback. Click the green button, people!

~ Miyuu.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, peoples. Isn't this a quick update? I figured that, seeing as I plan to get as many reviews as possible (Hint, hint), I could do with updating as frequently as possible. Kind of. Well, anyway, let's get on with it, shall we?

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except for myself and the ways I hurt Axel.

* * *

I stared blankly at the ten nobodies facing me. My face looked bored and unsurprised, but I was shaking. The fact that Saix had his hand on my shoulder didn't help, either. Sure, to them I wasn't scared, but inside?

'Ohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatmeohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatmeohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatmeohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatme  
ohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatmeohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatmeohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatmeohmygodhotpowerfulnobodiesarestaringatme!'

Yeah. My mind wass pretty messed up at the moment. Whose wouldn't be? You can't tell me you could walk into a room where dangerous, hot, powerful nobodies are waiting for you and not get fangirl-y inside. Well, not ALL of them are hot, but hell, even LEXAEUS has fangirls these days. I honestly didn't know what girls saw in him, but, truthfully? I wasn't much better. I had a crush on SAIX, of all people. Zexion was a close second, though. Not that I'd end up getting much out of them. I sighed. Why, oh WHY did these nobodies have to be so damn fangirl-able? It wasn't as if they'd ever love you back.

"Are you sure SHE'LL be able to do this?" a skeptical voice asked. A skeptical voice with an annoying resemblance to Larxene's... I growled.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but I don't appreciate you using that tone of voice with me, young missy," I said with mock anger, doing my best 'elderly bitch' impression. It earned me a few chuckles. Vexen looked mildly offended, but who gave a shit? Not me, that's for sure. It was entertaining, fake emotion or not.

I shook my head. That thought was going to make me depressed if I thought it too often. I didn't care if they had hearts or not, I was going to piss them off and entertain them anyway. Well, that's what I thought until another thought struck me. (A/N: I like the word 'thought'...)

"But..." I started, hesitant. "What _is_ it you want me to do?"

There was a short silence for a second. Demyx scratched his head. "Um, yeah, about that... Well--"

Xigbar interrupted, waving his hand dismissively. "Ah, don't worry, it's nothing. All you have to do is hang around when we fight Sora and make sure we don't die. Easy," he explained. I raised an eyebrow.

"Well... That could be worse, I guess..." I said, mostly to myself. "At least I'm not going to have to clean the World That Never Was like a maid or something..."

Someone snorted at that. Turned out it was Axel. I glared at him.

"How is that funny?" I asked.

"Oh, it's not... I just got a laugh imagining you in a maid's outfit."

I heard a few whistle as my cheeks heated up. Axel did his trademark smirk, and I knew my embarrassment showed on my face. I cursed my annoyingly pale skin. But instead of just cursing Axel, I lifted my hand up to his face and slapped him. He staggered back a few feet, while I stood there to admire my work. Yep, that cheek was going to be nice and red for the next day or so. He looked at me with a glare that could have melted diamond. I just smiled as sweetly as I could. According to my friends, my sweet smile was also the creepiest. Axel seemed to think so, too. I turned back towards the others.

"Does anyone feel like owning up to being the ones who whistled? Because, believe me, you WILL regret it," I threatened, still smiling. No one answered. After a few seconds of silence, Zexion slammed his book shut.

"Okay, are we done yet? I see no further need to stay here," he complained. I felt Saix's grip on my shoulder tighten. He obviously got annoyed about minor things like that, as well...

'Just like Rin,' I thought. I had multiple bruises on my arm from when she got pissed off at me for trivial things, such as tapping my pen too loudly, singing annoying songs and bugging her when she was writing. I smiled. Boy, was she missing out on some fun... I was so looking forward to the time when I got back and told this to her. Damn, she was going to be jealous.

"Actually, no, you may not go. There is still one issue we must discuss."

I flinched. Since when had Xemnas portalled up behind me? (A/N: Verbing words is fun. xD)

"... And that issue is...?"

"We only have thirteen bedrooms, here in the castle. Where is Miyuu going to sleep? She'll have to share one of your rooms."

Nobody answered. Someone yelled 'The couch!' but that was ignored.

...

...

...

...

"I say she should sleep in Larxene's room," Axel suggested.

I twitched. "Say WHAT?!" I screeched. "NO WAY! WHY SHOULD I SHARE WITH _HER_?!"

"Because she's the only girl... And you wouldn't want to stay with a guy, would you?" he asked, smirking. My eyes narrowed. That bastard! He... he was getting payback for that slap! He could SEE I obviously couldn't stand Larxene, and he... he...!

"I... I think Miyuu should choose for herself."

I whirled around to see who it was who'd spoken up. It was Roxas.

"That's not a bad idea..." Xemnas said, contemplating it. I shot Roxas a look that practically screamed 'THANK YOU!' as I breathed a sigh of relief.

...

"So, Miyuu... who do you choose?"

I gulped. Who WOULD I choose?

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Yeah, not as good as the last chapter, but I had writer's block.

REVIEW, PLEASE!

~ Miyuu.


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Kingdom Hearts, Humor, Parody