Criminal Minds 1. The Crushed Veneer

**The Crushed Veneer**

*****Edited*** A/N: So, this is my first fic that I've ever written, and I apologise in advance for bad/inexperienced writing. I'll just shut up now; I hope you like it and leave me a review, please! :) If this re-editing stint sends out a load of false updates (I honestly haven't a clue how that yoke works), then I'm sorry. The bitchy rants included in some of my A/N's just desperately needed to be wiped from the face of the internet. :P That will be all.**

**Song Recommendation: "Skinny Love" by Birdy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.**

*****IMPORTANT: None of the actual storyline in ANY chapter has been changed in re-edits.*****

_**"**__**There is an ache in my heart for the imagined beauty of a life I haven't had, from which I had been locked out, and it never goes away." - Robert Goolrick**_

Spencer Reid stared broodingly at the screen of his laptop, willing for the information before his eyes to manipulate itself into something more pleasing.

His bank balance had whittled down to the dangerously low value of seventeen dollars and forty three cents, and his mother's health care bills would have to be paid somehow.

His last card counting excursion to his hometown of Las Vegas had ended... badly, to say the least.

He had been lucky enough to escape being blacklisted from the casinos, but explaining his black eye and split lip to his ever maternal friend Penelope Garcia had been a scathing experience, nonetheless.

She had turned her quaking wrath upon his "babysitter" for the trip, the unfortunate Derek Morgan, profanities and imaginative threats spilling from her mouth at a dangerous rate.

The image of Derek paling under her tongue lashing almost brought a smile to Spencer's sculpted lips. Almost, but not quite.

As if on cue, Derek and Penelope appeared through the door of the coffee shop Spencer had been sitting in for the last two hours, finishing a psychology paper and worrying about the state of his finances.

The two were good naturedly arguing about the correct answer to a question on their media studies final exam, but broke off when they caught sight of Spencer.

Derek went to the counter to place his coffee order and flirt with the pretty barista. Upon Penelope's arrival at his table, Spencer closed his laptop and forced a smile.

"Howdy, boy genius! How are you this fine day?" Penelope's unflappable cheerfulness raised his flagging spirits.

"I'm fine, and you?" He mumbled in reply.

"Well, since you ask, I'm doing fantastic because I just got an A in my last final exam of my junior year of college, I have won a bet against the delectable Derek Morgan about what the final question on said test would be, and my chocolate Adonis now must buy my coffee for the next month." Penelope's cherry red lips parted into a mischievous grin as Derek arrived at the table with her coffee, tucking a napkin with the barista's name and number into the pocket of his Caltech hoodie.

"I'm still convinced your crazy computer hacking skills had something to do with your knowledge of the test." Derek cocked a sculpted eyebrow as he handed over the coffee, his voice holding an ironic undertone of amusement.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Hot Stuff." Penelope bantered back with a saucy wink.

Derek turned his attention to Spencer, who had been observing the exchange in an uncharacteristic bout of silence.

"What about you, Pretty Boy, did your paper manage to teach the professor more about his own area of expertise, or was it subpar?"

Spencer merely fixed him with a look, waiting for Derek to realise how stupid his question was.

"Right, I should have known... So what are you guys doing now that summer and all its blissful connotations have arrived?" Derek glanced between his two best friends, awaiting their replies.

"I'll either have to think up an elaborate scheme with a high cash turnover, or get an honest job and work at it for the entire summer." Spencer answered with a sigh, grimacing at the thought of a mundane job stretching across the entire three months of freedom he and his fellow college students had been allotted.

When the boy's gazes turned towards her, Penelope merely grinned mischievously and said "All shall be revealed, but I can tell you my plans involve computer hacking and a rather hot member of Caltech faculty."

"Sounds like the kind of thing that could get you expelled. Count me in!" A new voice cut into the conversation, and three pairs of eyes looked up to see Emily Prentiss approaching their table.

The tall, raven haired beauty had already been suspended and put on probation in the four months she had been at Caltech, and scandalous (and often vicious) gossip had followed her everywhere ever since her transfer from NYU after winter break.

When asked about her holiday plans, Emily shrugged and gave a vague reply about backpacking in Europe.

The group's attention finally turned to Derek, whose eyes were shining with excitement, and he was all but bouncing in his seat.

"Well, as you know, I got my truck fixed last week, and now that I have it back, I'll be able to enter into the Billabong Surf Championship 2012. The winner gets $10,000 prize money, and a contract to be the face of Billabong for the next three years. Qualifiers were last weekend, and I placed first!" All three of Derek's companions made exclamations of delight and congratulated him, Penelope wrestling him into a giant bear hug.

Spencer had perked up at the sound of such a huge sum of money.

Despite never having surfed before in his life, his past brushes with unsavoury circles had taught him that where there's one fortune to be made, there's nearly always another hiding in the wings.

When his mind returned to the conversation going on around him, Penelope and Emily were bombarding Derek with questions about the surfing competition, to which Derek sheepishly replied that it was in three weeks in Puerto Escondido.

"Puerto Escondido in _Mexico?_" Emily asked incredulously.

"Yeah..." Derek confirmed.

"That's nearly a two thousand mile distance!" Penelope exclaimed.

"1,751.03, actually." Spencer corrected, his mind racing through equations.

"Starting from Pasadena, given that Derek's truck does twenty four miles to the gallon, it'll take roughly 73 gallons to make the journey, and with current gas prices at $3.95 per gallon, travel costs should amount to $288.35, assuming you sleep in the truck. With an average speed limit of 70 miles per hour, the entire trip should take just over 25 hours of constant driving, not allowing for any breaks." The group absorbed this information, accustomed to Spencer's tirades of facts and figures.

"I'll go to congratulate you when you win, but there is no way I'm travelling with you to get there." Emily suddenly spoke up. "I have to visit my mother in Washington DC first, but I'll meet you in Puerto Escondido a week before the competition. I'll even pick up Penny along the way."

"You guys don't have to-" Derek began to protest but was cut off.

"As the only person here who speaks Spanish, yes, I do have to come. Who else would stop you from offending the local police?" Emily spoke jokingly, but left absolutely no room for argument.

As the girls started to make arrangements about where and when they would meet when the time came to depart for Puerto Escondido, Spencer turned to Derek and casually declared that he would be accompanying him on his road trip.

"Pretty Boy, are you sure you want to spend that long with someone who has never even seen anything with the word 'Star` in the title?" Derek's tone was teasing, but Spencer knew he was dead serious.

"It is an absolute travesty that you have yet to able to appreciate the ingenuity of Star Wars and Star Trek, but I think I can put up with you on a road trip for a few days." Spencer teased back.

Only Derek and Penelope could induce such playfulness in him.

Derek grinned widely, his handsome face coming alive with the expression as he ruffled Spencer's hair.

The four again began chatting amiably about their upcoming trip to Mexico, and to an outsider taking the situation at face value, it seemed to be a group of four average, albeit unusually attractive, college students enjoying each other's company before they parted for the summer.

No stranger could have guessed the enormous secrets each member of the group kept from the others, or the repercussions of allowing such secrets to come to light.

**A/N: Reviews, anyone? :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Remembrance Of What's Perfect As It Falls Apart**

*****Edited*** A/N: This one's from Penelope's point of view. I'm not a fan of Garcia/Hotch, but in AU you're kind of re-writing the characters, so I figured why not. I've already written this story up to chapter 9, and I know vaguely where I want it to go. A lot of characters from the show will feature, but it's basically just a fluffy Reid/Morgan fic. Enjoy, and please review! :)**

**Song Recommendation: "Empty" by Trent Dabbs (but only for the very end).**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. (Believe me, you'd know if I did.)**

"_**I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well." - Robert Benchley**_

Penelope walked across campus towards the large, converted colonial mansion that now housed offices for the Caltech professors, her mind on the conversation she had just had at the coffee house with Spencer, Derek and Emily.

She was delighted at the prospect of a road trip to what would invariably be a big party filled with beautiful people.

She smiled at the doorman and signed in with the woman at the front desk, giving the excuse that she wanted to speak to Professor Hotchner about the grade she'd gotten on an extra credit paper she'd handed in last week.

The friendly desk clerk gave her directions to Professor Hotchner's office, unaware that Penelope was extremely well acquainted with the way through the labyrinthine halls towards her destination.

As she passed oak door after gleaming oak door, she heard voices murmuring in conversation behind each one.

She caught sight of her target, the third last office on the right, but instead of knocking and making her presence known, she hung back at the sound of Professor Hotchner (whom the students had dubbed 'Hotch `before she'd begun attending Caltech) giving out to a student in harsh, loud tones.

"… You haven't been present at the last seven lectures I have given, and I checked with your dorm head, you have been on campus and haven't made one visit to the campus infirmary, and even your voice sounds fine, yet you still expect me to believe you've had tonsillitis for the last nine weeks? So to recap; your attendance is abysmal, you haven't handed in a paper on time for three months, you have the gall to lie _to my face,_ and yet here you are. You have the _**audacity **_to ask me why I failed you for the semester?" Hotch's voice rose towards the end of his censure in disbelieving outrage.

The student in question, who Penelope couldn't identify from where she was standing, just continued to stare at Hotch with a serenity that Penelope had only ever seen on the face of a completely stoned person.

"Get out of my office, Mr. Hankel, and if you expect to return to my class next autumn then you'd best have a formal letter of apology for your recent behavior, and every single assignment that you've missed this year completed to the highest standard." Hotch spat the student's name and went back to writing on the A4 notepad spread in front of him, dismissal clear in his body language.

When she heard the boy's name, understanding flooded through Penelope as towards why Hotch had allowed such an outburst to break through his stoic mask.

The boy in question, Tobias Hankel, was an average looking guy of average height and average intelligence.

There was absolutely nothing distinguishable or noteworthy about him, and for the most part he was a quiet, sweet boy who blushed when he dropped his pencil or made physical contact.

But sometimes, Tobias Hankel became an entirely different person in the blink of an eye. He exuded contempt from his every pore, and a vicious, malevolent aura pervaded the air around him as he regarded his surroundings with cool disdain.

Tobias leered at Penelope as he brushed past her in the hall, and she couldn't help but shiver.

Penelope rapped a familiar rhythm on the door with her knuckles, and waited for Hotch's "come in." before she moved into the office.

"Ah, Miss Garcia, what can I do for you today?" He asked as Penelope entered his office and closed the door behind her.

"You knew the answer to that question the second you heard me knock, Aaron." Penelope teased as she crossed the room toward his desk.

It was true; she had her own distinctive knock that they had agreed upon a long time ago.

Aaron allowed a small smile to break through his stoic demeanor as Penelope leaned across his desk and kissed him. He knew exactly what would happen if his superiors found out about his relationship with Penelope, but since his wife's death nearly three years ago, Penelope was the only person who could consistently make him smile.

He was twenty nine, and she would be twenty one in four days time.

They had begun their courtship just after Halloween of Penelope's sophomore year, and things had progressed naturally from there.

On account of Penelope having no living family she was still in contact with, she had spent last Christmas with Aaron and his five year old son, Jack.

Jack took an immediate liking to Penelope, even asking his Daddy if he was going to marry her, to which he'd hastily replied that nothing like that was going to happen soon.

Since Aaron's wife, Haley, had died in a car crash a few years previously, it had become a campus joke that Dean Strauss would pay $1,000 in cash to any students who got photographic evidence of Hotch smiling, or even blinking.

Those students had no idea that Hotch even _laughed_ on a regular basis when in Penelope's presence.

Penelope began walking around the room, trailing her fingers over the books in the book cases as she went.

"So, is there any scandal percolating the staff lounges that I should know about?" She asked lightly.

Hotch twisted in his chair to be able to see her as she walked behind him. "None that would become me to repeat." When he saw her raised eyebrows and inquisitive expression, he merely grinned and added; "What, you thought you were the only student in a relationship with a professor?"

Surprised by his flippant words, Penelope tossed back her head and laughed.

"Do I even want to know?" She asked as she surveyed the books on his shelves for the hundredth time.

"I try my best not to hear the gossip, because at least then I have plausible deniability if it all blows up. So if anyone asks, I know nothing." Hotch just kept watching her, drinking in every detail from the dimple on her right cheek to the scar just above her left ankle.

Still smiling, she completed her circuit of the room and turned back to face him.

"Do you have any plans for the next two weeks?" Penelope casually inquired as she moved around his desk to straddle Hotch's lap.

"I'll take a guess and say that they involve you?" Hotch quipped, gently brushing Penelope's hair off of her face.

"Good answer." Penelope grinned. She quickly reiterated the conversation from the coffee house, explaining her plans to go to Puerto Escondido to support Derek. "… So for the next two weeks I'm basically going to live with you." She finished with a smug smile.

Hotch kissed her softly, and then pulled back to give her a warm smile. He simply replied; "I can't think of anything I'd enjoy more."

Ten minutes later, Penelope was walking towards the bus stop at the south corner of campus to get the 66 back to the apartment she shared with Emily.

As she was walking, she passed a large notice board and stopped to look, as was her habit.

She always liked to check for interesting bands or upcoming campus events, and when she saw that the basketball blitz was in two days, her blood ran cold.

She exhaled shakily and sank, completely numb, onto a bench next to the notice board, wondering how this had happened.

As she did so, she could feel her body switch to autopilot, getting up and boarding the bus as she did every day, as if her world hadn't just tipped on its axis and thrown her off the ledge, into the chaos and turmoil beneath.

**A/N: Go on, make my day and leave me a comment… ;)**


	3. My Side Of The Story

**My Side Of The Story**

*****Edited*** A/N: And we're off to venture into the mind of one Derek Morgan. It's actually funny (in an embarrassing kind of way) to read these old chapters again... Anyways, I hope ye enjoy and drop me a review please. :)**

**Song Recommendation: "My Side Of The Story" by Hodges.**

**Disclaimer; I do not own Criminal Minds (the things I'd do if I did).**

"_**We're all architects of our own private hell, no one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves." – Bones by Young Guns.**_

Derek wrestled his key into the lock of his front door, exerting just the right amount of pressure and flipping it quickly to get the door open. He pushed the door open and locked it before yanking the key back out only to attack it from the inside, repeating the process of unlocking it, then closing the door and locking it again.

He had been meaning to talk to the superintendent about the faulty lock on his front door ever since he'd moved into his apartment, but that had been the start of his freshman year at Caltech, and he was now officially finished being a junior.

In a way, the front door and its faulty lock were a lot like him.

He moved to the kitchen, and was about to grab a beer and possibly something stronger when, completely unbidden, he heard Spencer's voice in his head reproaching him for choosing a depressant like alcohol to drown his sorrows in.

That set off his brooding chain of thought, leaving him absently leaning against his kitchen counter.

He knew from his previous experiences with depression that he was always worst at night, withdrawing into himself.

He immediately discounted homesickness as a plausible reason for his mixed up feelings, he was leaving for Chicago tomorrow, and he hadn't missed his family to distraction since he was a sophomore.

Thinking of Chicago dredged up painful memories he'd rather forget. Ignoring the festering loathing he still had for Carl Buford, he examined his swirling, tempestuous thoughts, and discerned that while the abuse he had endured as a teenager would always haunt him, and the knowledge that Buford was still at large plagued him at every turn, it wasn't the cause for his current confusion.

If he was lucky enough to win this surfing competition, then he'd finally have enough money to buy his mother a house in a better neighbourhood back in Chicago.

It still bothered him to think of the rampant gang violence in his neighbourhood, and his family stuck within easy reach of it.

He focused his thoughts closer to his current home in Pasadena, melancholic in his scrutiny.

It couldn't be his grades, he'd been getting solid B's with a few A's all year, never having dipped below a C since he started college.

It wasn't his scholarship either, that was a guaranteed full ride until he graduated senior year unless he started flunking classes.

Thinking about how he'd landed his football scholarship made his skin crawl with the urge to pulverise something to dust, so he forced his thoughts onward.

To even entertain the idea that his depression was sexual frustration manifesting itself was laughable to the point of hilarity, so he quickly discounted that as a viable option too.

Something made him stop at that thought though.

Perhaps it was just because it was an easy option, but his weary mind latched onto the idea that women had something to do with his current mood.

He used to go out with one goal in mind; bring home a girl who would satisfy his needs and leave before dawn, and have some fun with his friends along the way.

Granted, final exams had been a looming deadline all the while, but deep down he knew that they had had nothing to do with his refusals to go out on several occasions during the last couple of months.

He had been getting less and less satisfaction from the various pretty girls that had entered and left his bedroom for the last few months, but had just put it down as boredom with the same kind of routine developing with every one night stand.

_That_ startled him.

He had involuntarily jumped when he came to his conclusion, and was more than a little surprised.

Derek Morgan, the consummate ladies' man, wanted a relationship.

Not just another girl who came and went on the revolving carousel that was his sex life, but someone who he could call at three in the morning just to have a chat, or spend long nights on the couch falling asleep in front of old movies next to.

Having seemingly found the solution to his depression, Derek went about fixing himself a sandwich, thinking about his friend's assertions that they were coming to Mexico with him.

He really couldn't wish for better friends, and chuckled as he thought about what an odd bunch they were.

First of all, there was himself, the manwhore with the perfectly toned, muscular body and gorgeous face. He was always outwardly cheerful, despite having dealt with depression on and off since he was fourteen. He was now twenty one, and despite having ran from his demons, had found he couldn't leave them behind. He hadn't told any of his friends about the abuse he'd endured back in Chicago when he was younger, and he fully planned to keep it that way.

Then there was Penelope, he knew her parents had been killed in a car crash when she was eighteen. They'd been out looking for her after she missed curfew, and were hit by a drunk driver, and he knew she still felt responsible. Penelope was undeniably attractive, in a voluptuous and curvy manner. They still exchanged a smirk every time someone asked them how they first met, but they had never told anyone the story, preferring to keep it their little private joke. She was also the most tech saavy hacker genius he had ever come across, and was fairly sure she'd spend the summer hacking into the CIA or a similar agency.

His thoughts then turned to Emily. She was the strict ambassador's daughter, and after living a neat, compartmentalised childhood and adolescence, had set out to disappoint every single one of her mother's expectations the second she left for college. She was striking, with long jet black hair that hung to her waist, and a rapier thin figure. She had both ears pierced several times, including the cartilage, as well as her nose, tongue, belly button and she sometimes joked that she'd gotten her clit pierced freshman year, but he didn't want to know if that was true. She had a tattoo of a purple dragon on the back of her right shoulder, and at least one other tattoo somewhere on her body.

And then finally, there was his Pretty Boy... A smile assaulted his lips at the thought of his best friend. His IQ of 187, his abnormal ability to read 20,000 words per minute and his eidetic memory were all traits that Derek valued about him, but his favourite thing about Spencer was his unerring kindness. Despite being the baby of the group (Derek, Emily and Penelope were all twenty one and Spencer was only seventeen), he had faced a lot of hardship in his short life, yet still had an innocence and naivety that Derek found adorable and endearing. He and Derek were polar opposites, Spencer being stringy and pale and shying away from physical contact unless he had a deep trust for the person initiating said contact, and Derek was dark, roughly 200 pounds of pure muscle, and physical contact was his _element._

When Derek finally went to bed that night, he felt more buoyant and happier than he had in a long time, unable to wait for his road trip with Spencer.

**A/N: Reviews are highly appreciated... ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**The Back Of My Mind, I Couldn't Get You To Go**

*****Edited*** A/N: The powers that be really need to make that chapter title bar longer... OK, so there are spoilers/references to 4x17 "Demonology" in this chapter. I like this chapter a lot, Emily is possibly my favourite character to write. :P Read and review please!**

**Song Recommendation: "Closer To You" by The Coronas... Pretty much my favourite band of all time. :)**

**Disclaimer; *checks bank account* Nope, I still do not own Criminal Minds (Maybe then I could afford a car). -.-**

_**There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." - Laurell K. Hamilton**_

That night, Emily found herself lying on her back on her bed, confining herself to the prison fortress that was her mind.

She had been struck by a contemplative mood, and was now mulling over the various decisions that had brought her to where she was, bitter sweetly reminiscing over her major regrets and looking forward to all that she had had yet to do and learn.

She had been listening to a lot of European bands as of late, and absently placed one of her one her favourite albums in the CD player as she made her way towards the noises coming from the hall. Her neighbour's pet cat, Sergio, appeared through her open fire escape window and trailed after her, as he was wont to do.

She was shocked by the sight that greeted her.

Penelope had come in through the front door, leaving said door open behind her and left a wet trail from the hall through to the living room. Penelope herself was soaked to the skin, red hair plastered to her forehead, her clothes saturated and her shoes squelching every time she shifted her weight. What worried Emily most though, was the vacant, shell shocked expression on her best friend's face.

Emily flipped into maternal caregiver mode, closing and locking the front door and trying to coax a few words out of a waxen Penelope. Finally giving up, she said "Ok, just stay here while I ring Derek, he'll come round and we'll work this out."

That jolted Penelope out of her reverie, she grabbed Emily's wrist in a vice grip and proclaimed in a surprisingly strong voice; "No! The boys can't know, you can't tell them Em." Her voice softened to a plea, and she fixed Emily with a beseeching expression.

Emily relented and resumed her mother hen activities.

With Penelope in the shower warming up, Emily threw the sodden clothes her friend had been wearing into the kitchen sink, mopped up the muddy water trail through the house and finally made a bowl of chicken soup.

A few hours later, the two young women were sitting on the sofa, sharing a duvet and a pint of Häagen-Dazs pralines and cream flavor ice cream. They sat in comfortable silence, both waiting for the other to broach the topic of what had happened.

Emily, ever impatient, broke first; "Pen, I made you my famous chicken soup and this is our 'my-world-is-ending` comfort food..." she gestured at the sack of chocolate chip cookies by her left knee and the mostly empty ice cream tub. "The time for wallowing has come and gone, so spill."

"First of all, you swear that this conversation will never leave this room?" Penelope seemed to need the assurance so Emily held out her pinky finger and they made the time honoured pact.

"Well... Ever since November of sophomore year, I've kind of been in a relationship with one of my professors." Ignoring Emily's gasp, Penelope ploughed onwards; "It's professor Hotchner, the young guy who lectures on criminal law and criminology. You've probably never even seen him blink, let alone smile, but I can't even begin to describe how happy it makes me every time he laughs. He has this five year old son, and when he called me Mama Penny at Christmas, I didn't freak or even correct him, I just smiled and hugged him." She seemed to be searching for the words to continue.

"This is fantastically scandalous and I can feel myself getting cavities from the sweetness of it all, but what's the big bombshell that had you so shaken?" Emily gently pressed.

"He told me he loved me six months after we first got together, and we'd been having sex for a long time before that..." Comprehension dawned on Emily's face, as well as something else that Penelope couldn't place. "I really do love him, but I'm not even legally allowed to buy alcohol for another four days! I haven't taken a pregnancy test yet, but when I walked past the poster for the basketball blitz on Friday, I suddenly realised that my period is four days late. Em, what if the test is positive? How can I tell him I don't want a child right now?"

Penelope's confession had dredged up a multitude feelings in Emily that were far better left undisturbed.

Feeling her chest constrict and her throat tighten, Emily knew that the time had come to reveal one of her darkest secrets.

Shaking off her melancholy, she went to their shared medicine cabinet in the bathroom and returned with a pregnancy test. She wordlessly handed it to Penelope, giving her a comforting squeeze on the shoulder.

As Penelope readied herself and the pregnancy test in the bathroom, Emily heard the lyrics of a song float from her bedroom;

_Several signs have led me to this place,_

_Don't fancy my chances if it's left to fate._

_Got me long before you could know,_

_The back of my mind I couldn't get you to go._

The message in the lyrics tugged painfully at her heart, reminding her that she had never really dealt with the situation, only buried it in a deep, dark hole.

Penelope, who now had to wait twenty minutes to see the results of her pregnancy test, plonked back onto the couch next to Emily and looked at her with apprehensive eyes.

"I have to tell you something." Emily began with a sigh.

"You already know that I moved around a lot as a kid. My mom's postings forced us to move every six to ten months, and I hated it. Every time, I'd be just starting to settle and make real friends when we had to uproot and begin the process all over again. But there was this one time, my mother was posted in Rome, and we stayed there for a whole year and a half. I don't know why we were there so long, but I was 15 at the time, and I wanted above all else to be _accepted. _I made friends with a guy called Matthew, and he introduced me to his best friend Séan. For the first time in my life, I had someone to turn to when I felt alone. But I was stupid, and when an older boy took an interest in me I ignored Matthew's warnings and..." Emily trailed off, still unable to voice the happenings of that summer.

"You got pregnant." Penelope breathed, her eyes huge.

"Yeah... I couldn't tell my mom so Matthew took me to talk to the local priest, Father Gamino, and he told me that if I got an abortion then I wouldn't be welcome in his congregation. But Matthew found a doctor, and he went with me to the clinic. He held my hand all the way through the procedure, and when we got back to Rome that Sunday, he took my hand and marched me up the aisle of the church to the front pew. He told me to hold my chin high, and when Father Gamino stopped his sermon, they just glared at each other for a moment. Father Gamino went back to his sermon, and life continued on. Matthew was the best friend I ever had, and he saved my life." Having said her piece, Emily stared into space.

Penelope drew her into a gentle, inexorable hug. As she felt Emily begin to cry against her shoulder, she soothingly whispered; "Oh Em, I had no idea! I can't believe that this happened to you, you're so strong and independent. I'm not judging by the way, I think you're incredibly brave to tell me that story."

The oven timer went off, and Penelope immediately stiffened before Emily let her go and gave a watery smile.

Penelope rose from the couch, trepidation clear on her features as she approached the bathroom door. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door and went inside.

There was an audible gasp from the bathroom, and the sound of a body hitting the floor.

**A/N: The little blue button is calling your name... ;)**


	5. For The First Time

**For The First Time**

*****Edited*** A/N: And so the bromance continues. ;) I completely based Reid as a musician on Brendon Urie, lead singer of Panic! At The Disco, because I love them and I also think Reid and Brendon Urie look kind of alike sometimes. :P Thank you hugely to everyone has reviewed/favourited/put this on their alert list, you guys are the coolest people on the planet. :D Special thanks to **_**nannily**_**, who is the only person to have reviewed every chapter; you're a hero. Read and review, please!**

**Song Recommendation: "For The First Time" by The Script.**

**Disclaimer:*smiles sweetly* I fucking wish. :)**

"_**Those whom we love are often the most alien to us." – Oromis from 'Eldest` by Christopher Paolini**_

Derek pulled up outside Spencer's apartment building, and looked down at the back of his left hand to double check that the scribbled address there matched the one on the sign across the street.

The exterior of the building was dilapidated, to say the least, and didn't really fit with Derek's idea of Spencer's apartment.

The stained, dull brown walls were covered almost completely with colourful graffiti.

Weeds grew up along the walls of the old building.

Two of the five windows that faced the street on the ground floor were boarded up.

The whole street was chillingly similar to Derek's old neighbourhood in Chicago, and he squashed the feeling of unease that arose in him when he thought of Spencer living alone in this place.

He bounded up the steps and went straight in the front door, noting the broken buzzer as he passed.

As he knocked on the door to Spencer's third floor apartment, Derek reflected on his recent visit to Chicago.

He had been... surprised to say the least when he arrived to see Sara with a four month baby bump.

He grinned at the thought of his soon to be born niece/goddaughter.

He was jolted out his reverie by a breathless Spencer yanking open his front door and saying "Come on in, I'm almost ready."

Derek gaped at Spencer, struggling to confirm what his eyes were feeding to his brain. Spencer's soft, shoulder-length caramel waves had been cut away to a fashionably tousled short haircut.

"Spencer! Your hair!" Was all Derek could manage.

"It's not that bad! What's wrong with it?" Spencer asked, self consciously running his long, elegant fingers through it.

"Nothing's wrong, it's just such a huge change! May I?" Derek confidently reached out his hand to confirm via touch that Spencer's hair wasn't just a trick of the light. Spencer scowled playfully, but allowed Derek to run his hand through the tousled locks.

Ten minutes later, their bags were in the bed of Derek's truck and they were pulling onto the freeway.

They chatted about everything and anything for the first while, but as they were passing over the border into Texas, Derek got a sudden gleam in his eye, turning toward Spencer; "Want to play a game, Pretty Boy?"

"Sure." Spencer smiled back.

"Ok, we'll start with Would You Rather, because there aren't many dares you can complete while driving." Derek decreed. "I'll start... would you rather be stuck in a freezing forest cabin that had only one bed in it for a night with Tobias Hankel or Dean Strauss?"

Spencer wrinkled his nose and replied "Dean Strauss, that Hankel guy is seriously creepy sometimes... Ok, would you rather streak completely naked across campus or randomly kiss David Rossi at one of his guest lectures?"

"Streak!" Derek laughed. "Would you rather make out with Penelope or Emily?"

Spencer blushed bright red at Derek's question, exclaiming; "But we're too close! That'd be like incest... I don't know... Umm... Emily." He sighed eventually. "What about you?"

Derek just laughed and looked at Spencer with a funny expression on his face.

"I never told you the story of how Penelope and I first met, did I?" Derek asked. Spencer shook his head and gestured for Derek to continue.

"Well you and I didn't meet until halfway through my freshman year, but I met Penelope at the first campus party I went to, about 2 days after I moved in. It was a great party, the music was good, the beer was flowing, and there were a lot of pretty girls there." Derek winked cheekily as he said that. "That night I decided to test how much alcohol I could ingest before passing out or making a complete fool of myself. I remember drinking 14 beers and 6 shots, and the next thing I knew, it was morning and I was naked in bed. But when I rolled over, I found that I wasn't alone. Penelope was next to me, also naked and also utterly unable to remember the night before. We were 'friends with benefits` for about three weeks, until Penelope's boyfriend showed up, and we've been like siblings ever since. The story isn't that funny, except that when I woke up that morning and I was like "Hi, I'm Derek" she just hit me and gave me a black eye, before nursing said eye back to its normal colour."

"I should have guessed it was something like that..." Spencer chuckled.

"Well, now that I've told you something personal, it's your turn." Derek prompted, fixing Spencer with a cocky grin.

After a long moment's deliberation, Spencer finally spoke up; "I'm somewhat musically inclined. Does that count?"

Derek looked at him in genuine surprise. "You're probably being modest... What do you play? And I will make you prove it the first chance I get."

"Well, because I'm so good with maths and numbers, I approached music from a mathematical perspective, and I learned to be proficient that way. I play piano, guitar, violin, cello, drums and accordion."

Derek stared at Spencer, mouth agape.

"I was also the lead singer in a Las Vegas band prior to coming to Caltech. I needed the cash, and it was easy money." Spencer couldn't help but smile at Derek's flabbergasted expression.

Derek reached out and cranked the radio up, and turned back to Spencer. "Sing along with it!"

Spencer recognised the song, and began to sing the chorus;

_Even after all these years_

_We just now got the feelin'_

_That we're meetin'_

_For the first time_

_Ooooh Ooooh_

When he caught sight of Derek's impressed expression, Spencer ducked his head in embarrassment.

"Pretty Boy... You're phenomenally talented, I haven't even heard you play a proper instrument yet and I can already tell." Derek smiled warmly at his friend before turning his attention back to the road.

Derek's praise made Spencer glow with a sense of pride, not that he'd admit it. He quickly cast about for a distraction. "Alright, Derek... Truth or dare?"

"I can't believe we're playing this game... Truth." Derek replied, laughing.

"Umm... How many sexual partners have you had?" Spencer asked, blushing.

"Well... Even only counting girlfriends once, I'd say at least thirty." Derek grimaced at how high the number was.

"Alright...I pick dare." Spencer winked mischievously.

"Brave choice... One of my buddies, Tom McCoy, from the football team got tested for STD's last week and is expecting the call today, and I dare you to ring up as Joe from the clinic and tell him he has Chlamydia." Derek's eyes sparkled with wicked glee as he set the challenge.

"Ok but I'm relying on you to protect me from a beating if they find out..." Spencer reluctantly pulled out his phone, dialled the number and placed it on loudspeaker between him and Derek.

"Hello?" a gruff voice came across the line.

"Hi, is this Thomas McCoy, junior at Caltech?"

"Yeah, who's asking?"

"Well, my name's Joe, and I work for the STD clinic where you were tested last week. We got your results back."

"Well? What do they say?" The man's voice instantly turned apprehensive.

"I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rather severe case of Chlamydia, you'll most likely be on antibiotics for the next nine months, and you'll have to take a pill anally every day for the next two months to prevent the infection spreading to the prostate."

"Are you sure? Could there have been a mistake?"

"I'm afraid not. We'll contact you later today to arrange your next appointment with the practitioner. Goodbye." Spencer hung up and collapsed into giggles against his seat.

"Did you hear his voice after that thing about the anal pill?" Spencer wheezed out between giggles.

"That was priceless! I would kill to have seen his face as you told him that!" Derek reached over to fondly ruffle Spencer's hair. Funny how his hair felt coarser and rougher between his fingers now that it was short.

"Truth or dare, Derek?" Spencer queried.

"I want to say dare but... Since I'm driving, it'll have to be truth again." Derek grinned ruefully.

Spencer took a moment, trying to think of the most embarrassing question possible that wouldn't offend Derek. It came to him in a flash of inspiration.

"Have you ever had a sexual desire towards a member of your own gender?" Spencer grinned as he asked the question, his demeanour joking.

Derek didn't reply, and his knuckles turned white from gripping the wheel too hard. His jaw tightened and his eyes set with a forced neutral expression. Silence stretched out awkwardly in the truck.

Spencer suddenly got the feeling he had just leaped across a line he hadn't been aware of, and judging by the way Derek's body language had changed; this was one line that was best left alone.

**A/N: Gold dust? Pssh, I prefer reviews... ;)**


	6. The Lie That Keeps You Warm

**The Lie That Keeps You Warm**

*****Edited*** A/N: I don't even know why I write these. But, I really hope you enjoy the chapter, and please leave a review! Seriously, they make me feel like I'm after winning a competition or something, and they give excellent karma points. ;)**

**Song Recommendation: "Bluff" by Pilot Speed.**

**Disclaimer; I do not own Criminal Minds (except in my dreams).**

_**"Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence." – Dorothea Dix**_

43 minutes and 17 seconds of stifling silence later, Spencer had mentally written his extra credit anthropology paper, recited the periodic table twice backwards and speculated at length on what had been so upsetting about his innocent question to Derek. He was not in the least homophobic, which only deepened Spencer's confusion.

Wordlessly, Derek exited off the freeway and drove down several back roads before pulling over.

He turned off the engine, took the key out of the ignition, and made to get out of the truck.

Spencer, unable to take the awkward tension anymore, grabbed Derek's wrist and pulled him back.

"Derek, I don't know why that question upset you but please believe me when I say that I'm truly sorry." Spencer spoke solemnly, eyes shining suspiciously.

"It's fine, Pretty Boy, nothing to worry about. I wasn't intentionally ignoring you, just deep in thought." Derek smiled, and though it looked slightly strained, Spencer was too relieved by Derek's acceptance of his apology to call him out on it.

The two got out of the truck, and Derek produced beer and a huge bag of Doritos from his bag, looking sheepish. "Sorry about the lack of dinner, I only thought to bring junk food with me." He scrunched his nose and laughed.

Spencer just smiled and took the proffered beer.

After taking a sip, he grimaced. "Even after being your best friend for three years, I still don't like beer." He laughed at the disparaging glance Derek shot him.

They sat on the hood of Derek's truck eating crisps and chatting, enjoying the mutual camaraderie.

During a moment of comfortable silence, Derek looked up at the stars. He was surprised by how bright they were here, having lived in cities all his life. It was only now, seeing the stars like this that he understood the comparison to diamonds scattered across black velvet.

Spencer followed his gaze, and when Derek glanced over at his younger friend, he couldn't help but smile at the captivated look on Spencer's face.

"C'mon Pretty Boy, we best get some sleep. We'll be driving all day tomorrow." With that Derek slid off the hood of his truck, walking around it and hopping up into the bed.

He rolled out his sleeping bag and positioned his leather jacket as a pillow.

It was only then that he noticed Spencer standing awkwardly a few feet away, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Did you forget your sleeping bag?" Derek grinned.

Spencer blushed. "In my defence, you never said I needed one."

"What did you think we'd be doing? I'm flat broke, so there's no way I'm paying for a motel. Therefore we're sleeping here." Derek reasoned. When Spencer didn't reply, he just shook his head and offered him his sleeping bag.

Spencer was adamant in his refusal; "No way! You shouldn't have to give up a good night's sleep just because of my forgetfulness! I'll put on an extra jacket and then I'll be fine."

No amount of persuasion could make him accept Derek's offer graciously, so ten minutes later they were arranged with Spencer using Derek's stomach as a pillow.

On the brink of sleep, Derek was happily settling into unawareness when he heard Spencer's teeth chattering. "Kid, if you don't take this sleeping bag you're going to keep me up all night with your shivering."

"N-No! I'm f-fine! I c-couldn't do that!"

"Fine then, we're sharing." Upon seeing Spencer's attempts at shaking his head and refusing, Derek growled; "Kid if you aren't in this sleeping bag in the next ten seconds, I'm going to hit you upside the head and drive away. Get in!"

Spencer, blushing furiously, reluctantly unzipped the sleeping bag and crawled in next to Derek and zipped it back up behind him. It was a tight fit with two people in it, especially since Derek was so big.

His earlier reluctance forgotten, Spencer pressed into the warmth exuding from Derek's body.

Surprised at his friend's lack of body heat, Derek wrapped a strong arm around Spencer's waist.

Just as he was drifting back to sleep, he heard a small voice asking if he was awake.

"No." He whispered back, knowing how childish it was but unable to help himself.

"Well, since we've established that you're not awake, if anyone asks later, this conversation never happened, okay?"

Surprised, Derek turned his head to look at Spencer. "Yeah, okay. What's up?"

"Earlier, in the car, I asked you if you'd ever wanted to experiment with homosexuality, and that seemed to hit a nerve." Derek stiffened, and Spencer continued in a rush; "Please don't get mad at me, just let me finish. I didn't say that in a judgmental way at all, I was joking. If it was in bad taste, then I apologise. I just want you to know that nothing you could ever tell me would lower my opinion of you, no matter how bad you think it is. I'm not saying that you have to, but I hope you trust me enough to know that you can talk to me about anything, and that I would never repeat it to anyone."

Derek seemed to choose his words carefully. "I do trust you, Spencer. Probably even more than Penelope. If I ever were to feel the need to talk about something, then I'd come straight to you. But you also have to respect that what's in my past is my own business, and there are some things better left undiscussed. And besides, despite your incessant rambling on obscure facts, you're not the most talkative about your past either."

"What do you want to know?" Spencer answered readily.

Slightly taken aback, Derek decided to roll with the conversation's new direction. "Ehh….. Start with your family, I guess?"

Derek felt Spencer stiffen infinitesimally, but awaited the reply patiently.

"I'm an only child…" Spencer began slowly. "I lived with my mom and dad until I was ten, when my dad left us. I can't say I missed him; he was an alcoholic and had the potential to be violent if he was drunk enough. Before you ask, he never abused me, physically or sexually. He preferred to take it out on an unsuspecting prostitute. For the last seven years, he's been living ten minutes away from my mom's house, but never so much as paid child support. My mom and I did the best we could, but if I hadn't gotten a scholarship there's no way I'd have been able to go to college. Even when I was a child, I loved books and was able to understand concepts far too complicated for most children my age. My mom was a professor of 15th century literature, and she used to read to me every night for as long as I can remember." He carefully skirted around saying anything about his mother's current condition.

Spencer, who had been lying against Derek's side, twisted his neck to look his best friend in the eyes. "What about you?"

"Well, I grew up in a rough area of Chicago. I was the only son between two sisters, and my parents pretty much had the perfect marriage. My dad was my hero; I worshipped the ground he walked on." Derek swallowed, and pressed on.

"My dad was a cop, and then when I was ten years old, he was killed in the line of duty. We were walking back from the corner store one night, and there were two gangs fighting in a side alley. He told me to stay right where I was, and went to try and break up the fight. I couldn't see down the alley, but I heard two shots ring out, and my dad just fell backwards in slow motion. I screamed, and that made the gangbangers scarper, but it was too late. When I got to my dad, he was shot once in his right leg and then again right next to his heart. His last words were; 'Derek, take care of your mom and sisters for me. I am so proud of you son.` And I held my dad's hand as he died. After that I started getting involved with some teenage gangbangers, and for a year or two it looked like I was going to be just another thug who never got off the block they grew up on. But then I found football, and cut all ties with the guys that I got into trouble with. I got my record expunged, and came to California."

"I'm really sorry about your dad." Spencer said softly.

Derek smiled down at him. "Nah, at this stage I'm able to appreciate the time I had with him. I stopped being angry about the time that was stolen from us a long time ago."

Casting about for a lighter subject, Spencer asked; "so... who got you into football?"

Derek's expression darkened to a brittle façade. Despite it being a bright, clear night with a full moon, his eyes were dark and unreadable.

"Because I like you, Pretty Boy, I'm going to ask you once to back off and leave it alone." Derek's tone was flat, unreadable, emotionless.

"Okay, just forget I said anything." Spencer was perplexed, to say the least, but knew nothing good would come of pressing the matter. "Goodnight, Derek."

"Goodnight, Pretty Boy."

There, in the back of Derek's old but well tended Chevrolet Colorado, the two waited in silence for sleep's gentle embrace to take them into its soothing hold, closer than ever.

**A/N: Now it's your turn to write something? :D**


	7. Shouldn't Be A Good In Goodbye

**Shouldn't Be A Good In Goodbye**

*****Edited*** A/N: Monumental "thank you"s to every single person who has reviewed/favourited/put this on their alert list, ye are seriously the most amazing people ever! I hope you like the chapter and leave a review please! :D**

**Song Recommendation: "Shouldn't Be A Good In Goodbye" by Jason Walker.**

**Disclaimer; I do not own Criminal Minds (it's only my chief goal in life).**

"_**Chance is a word void of sense, nothing can exist without a cause." – Voltaire.**_

"Here, drink it." Emily admonished gently as she passed Penelope a mug of tea.

Penelope smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Em; you have no idea how much help you are just by doing this."

Penelope had fainted in the bathroom, and despite having avoided injuring herself, looked frail and scared. The pregnancy test had been inconclusive, and Emily had booked a doctor's appointment for the next morning.

"What are you going to do if you are pregnant?" Emily fixed Penelope with an intense gaze.

"I don't know." Penelope sighed. "Well, actually that's not true. I can't possibly keep it if I'm pregnant, I'm too young and I'm just not ready. What scares me even more than that, though, is telling Aaron. We've never even talked about kids! I've always said I want them, but not until I'm older. But I don't know how he'll react to finding out that I'm pregnant, and then to find out that I want to abort his child... It's just one huge catastrophe!"

"Hey, there's still a chance that you aren't pregnant." Emily leaned forward and gently squeezed Penelope's hand. "Anyway, it's two in the morning and we have to be at the doctor's in six hours. We need to go to bed."

Emily got up off the couch and dumped their dirty mugs in the sink. As she was exiting towards her bedroom though, a small voice from behind her made her stop.

"Em? Will you please stay with me tonight?" Penelope looked entirely lost and forlorn as the words left her mouth.

"I was just getting a pillow from my bed." Emily smiled at her best friend. "I understand what you're going through, Pen. I just want to help."

As the two young women settled into Penelope's double bed, thoughts on what the following day would bring each became lost in their own thoughts, shaken by coming into such close proximity with their demons.

...

The next day, Penelope and Emily sat in the waiting room of their local medical practice.

Penelope was biting her nails, and Emily incessantly tapping her foot.

"Em, d'you mind if I ask you something about what you told me last night?" Penelope spoke suddenly.

Emily nodded her assent.

"You said 'Matthew _was_ the best friend I ever had.` Did something happen to him?"

A troubled look came over Emily's face. "When I moved away from Rome, I was living in Istanbul so we were able to keep in touch. And we did. We called each other, we wrote letters every now and then. But about four months after I got to Istanbul, Matthew started to sound different. He was always smart, and because he was so angry at Father Gamino for how he treated me when I came to him about my... predicament, he started to question _everything. _When I asked Séan about it, he said Matthew had started smoking weed and falling in with the wrong crowd. His questioning of things his parents held as law coupled with his growing drug habit, proved to be too much for his parents. They cut him off and disowned him. He moved away, and I never heard from him again. Neither did Séan."

Emily drew her knees up to her chest, and a guilty, closed off look fell across her face.

"Stop right there! Emily, you can't blame yourself for what happened to Matthew. At most, what happened with you was a contributing factor. He chose to experiment with drugs, he chose to question his parents' views." Penelope fixed Emily with an earnest look.

Before Emily could muster a reply, a clinically detached voice called "Penelope Garcia, Dr. Boyd will see you now."

They were led down a long hallway, before being ushered through an oak door into a small, bright room.

Dr. Boyd was a middle aged brunette woman. With her petite frame and kind face, she looked exceptionally maternal.

"How can I help you ladies today?" Dr. Boyd smiled kindly.

When Penelope seemed incapable of speech, Emily took pity and explained the situation to the doctor. She conveniently omitted the part about the father of the potential baby.

"Okay, Penelope. I have a more accurate pregnancy test you can take," she handed Penelope a discreet blue package. "And if it gives a positive result, I can refer you to an excellent obstetrician. I went to her when I was pregnant."

"That won't be necessary." Penelope choked out. "But thank you, doctor."

The girls exited the doctor's office, paid their fee at the front desk and hurried home.

Twenty minutes later, Penelope and Emily were standing next to the microwave, watching it count down 4... 3... 2... 1...

Penelope wrenched open the microwave door.

She held the small white tube in her left hand, afraid to look, but desperate to know.

...

That afternoon, Penelope paid a visit to the Hotchner house.

She held her breath as she rang the doorbell, and prayed that Aaron was home.

"Just a second!" A female voice called from within the house.

Seconds later the door opened to reveal a petite blonde woman with a pretty face.

Penelope's breath caught in her throat, and her mind instantly started making crazy conjectures.

"Can I help you?" The woman asked.

Regaining the power of speech, Penelope forced a smile. "Ehh... Is Aaron home?"

"He's in the garden out back. Just follow the path around the side of the house." The woman was looking at Penelope oddly.

She hurriedly thanked the woman and made her way to the back garden.

The sight that greeted her was achingly familiar.

Aaron was pushing Jack on the swing set under a large apple tree, their faces alive with laughter and joy.

Just then, Jack caught sight of Penelope.

"Mama Penny!" The child screamed, delighted to see her. He jumped off the swing and sprinted over to hug her legs.

"Hi, Jack." She smiled down at the doting child, and crouched down to give him a proper hug.

Once she stood up, she turned her attention to Aaron, who looked rather perturbed to see her.

"Can we take a walk?" Penelope asked quietly.

"Okay... Jack, why don't you go and help Jessica make lunch?" Aaron gently propelled his son towards the door leading into kitchen.

"Come on, I know a place we can talk." Aaron spoke quietly and exited the garden.

In a silence laden with tension, the two walked side by side at a distance that wouldn't arouse suspicion.

They entered a park, and made their way through wending trees until they found a discreet bench overlooking a pond. There were swans and ducks meandering lazily around the pond, bobbing for food every so often. The tall pine and oak trees lent a feeling of isolation to the area.

If Penelope hadn't been as utterly terrified and stressed as she was right then, she would have remarked about how beautiful the scene was.

"I'm guessing that whatever you needed to talk to me about isn't good?" Aaron asked, scrutinizing her expression.

She shook her head, and gestured that they should sit down.

"Yesterday, as I was walking from your office to the bus stop, I stopped to look at the notice board. There was a poster advertising the monthly college basketball blitz, which is on tomorrow. I usually get my period six days before that. And I still haven't gotten it. I took a pregnancy test last night, but it was inconclusive." Aaron's face had turned pale, and he looked like he would have collapsed if he weren't already sitting. Penelope observed his reaction and continued. "I went to the doctor this morning, and she gave me a more accurate pregnancy test."

She took a deep breath, before continuing with her confession.

"The test was negative. I'm not pregnant. But it still raises the question of what would happen if I were." Aaron seemed vacant and shocked, and Penelope started to get scared.

"Hey!" She snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Can you hear me?"

When he didn't reply, she lightly slapped his face.

He finally came to. "You're positive you're not pregnant?" The words were but a whisper.

"One hundred percent." She nodded. "But you need to know... I wouldn't have kept it if I was. I want kids, and I love Jack, but I'm not ready to raise a baby." She raised her chin and forced him to look into her eyes. "I would have gotten a medical abortion. But something's been bothering me... would you have supported me if I wanted to keep it?"

Her eyes pierced him, leaving no room for dishonesty.

He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

"To be honest... I love you, Penny, but no. I would have tried my very best to convince you to get an abortion." He watched as her eyes hardened to conceal the anguish his words wrought upon her. "Penny, if you had have kept that baby, you'd be a twenty one year old computer hacker, with no college degree, trying to raise a child. It would have destroyed your life. You have a bright future ahead of you; you're going to do more than I could ever dream of. And I won't stand in the way of that."

He heard her breath catch in her throat as she read between the lines.

"Penny, I love you so much, but this isn't working. I can't take you out on dates, for fear someone from Caltech will see us. You can't even introduce me to your friends because one of them might let slip to the wrong person. So please believe me when I say I'm doing this for you, and you'll thank me for it someday."

"What are you trying to say?" She questioned hollowly, denial clear in her eyes.

"I'm saying that while I've enjoyed this last year and a half with you more then you'll ever comprehend, our time has passed. We had our moment, now it's over." He swallowed. "I'm sorry, Penny, but I'm breaking up with you."

He didn't want to stay and watch her, knowing that he couldn't touch her after hurting her so deeply.

He pulled her into a gentle embrace, and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

She clung to him fiercely, but let go when he pulled away.

"Goodbye, Penelope." His voice was tight as he forced out the words he hated so much.

He stood and departed the scene quickly, unshed tears glistening in his eyes, secure in the knowledge that even if the pain was crippling, it was for the best.

**A/N: Because I'm a sucker for little dramatic moments, I totally imagined the bit that starts "this is the bad before the worst" (from "Shouldn't Be A Good In Goodbye" by Jason Walker) playing when Hotch gets up from the bench. It fits better than any description I could ever write, and I just watched the scene play out like a movie in my head. :P**

**A/N: *hypnotic voice* your cursor is being dragged towards the blue button... ;)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I seriously don't like this chapter; the writing feels clumsy and it's fairly obvious that I wrote it at 4 am. But, no matter how hard I tried, I failed to come up with anything better, so here ye go. Have I mentioned that I hate writing dialogue? Mostly because I'm crap at it. :P Anyways, please leave a review saying what degree of awful you thought it was, it'd probably still make me smile. :)**

**Disclaimer; I do not own Criminal Minds (Morgan and Reid would so be together by now if I did).**

"_**People are like glass inside. So when someone is broken, it is not cowardice when they do not try to fix themselves, it's wisdom to realise that they'll only hurt themselves further on the jagged edges." – Author Unknown.**_

The next morning Spencer awoke before dawn, curled into Derek's side with Derek's arm wrapped around his waist loosely.

Gently extricating himself from Derek's arm, Spencer got up and stretched.

Derek found him half an hour later, sitting on the bonnet and watching the sun rise.

They sat in silence, watching the pinks and oranges ablaze in the morning sky fade to blue.

Eventually, Spencer broke the silence. "I call dibs driving today."

Derek snorted. "There's no way in hell you're driving my truck."

Without warning, Spencer turned and pressed his thumb into the spot where Derek's neck met his left shoulder.

"Ahh!" Derek made a very unmanly noise. "What the hell? You know that's my bad shoulder!"

"Exactly. Do you really want to enter into a national championship suffering from football injuries?" Spencer raised an eyebrow. "You'll only make it worse driving."

"No!"

"You need to let it heal."

"No!"

"You're being ridiculous."

"No!"

"Call it." Spencer held up a coin.

Derek glared at his best friend. "Tails."

Spencer tossed the coin in the air, caught it and pressed it onto the back of his left hand. "Heads." He grinned.

Derek groaned. "I just know I'm going to regret this."

...

"Alright, I take it back. You're actually a decent driver." Derek begrudgingly admitted.

"High praise from you." Spencer responded drily. "And you owe me a dare. You never did one yesterday."

"Alright, name it." Ever cocky, his companion eagerly rose to the challenge.

He indicated to turn into the gas station they were approaching, a devilish glint in his eye. "I dare you to put a dozen ice cubes down your boxers and leave them there until they melt."

Derek's eyes widened a little, but he covered his apprehension quickly. "You're on."

Spencer got out and filled the tank of Derek's truck and went into the shop. He re-emerged five minutes later holding a small bag of ice cubes.

"It won't be that cold." He said, barely suppressing laughter.

Derek grimaced, but took the bag.

Unable to put it off and unwilling to back down, he bit the bullet.

Lifting his hips, he pulled his jeans and boxer briefs away from his skin and tipped the full bag of ice cubes into his pants.

The effect was instantaneous.

Derek's whole face changed, and he choked out a strangled; "Fuck, that's cold!"

Unable to help himself, Spencer laughed maniacally as Derek continued to squirm and curse.

"I will get you back for this!" Derek hissed, his eyes vaguely murderous.

Still laughing, Spencer pulled out of the gas station and back onto the freeway.

When Derek was once again coherent, "That was way too harsh for a friendly game of truth or dare!" Spencer just looked at him impishly while he continued. "Okay, your turn."

"Truth."

"Are you a virgin?"

"Believe it or not, no." Spencer kept up an unaffected demeanour.

"Seriously?" Derek hadn't been expecting that. "Who? And how many times?"

"Maybe three or four people?"

"Name them!"

"My last three girlfriends; Lila, Austin and Ashley. And every time I go to Vegas I always meet one of my friends there... it's a... friends with benefits kind of relationship."

Derek was flabbergasted. "What's her name?"

Spencer sighed. "Jake."

Derek absorbed the tirade of information, looking at his friend in a new light. "So you're bisexual?"

"I've never really put a label on it, to be honest... If I'm interested in a person romantically, it's because I'm drawn to them as a person regardless of their gender." Spencer shrugged.

Derek looked his best friend thoughtfully.

"I always knew you were academically smart, Pretty Boy, but I don't give you enough credit. You're good with life stuff too." He reached across and ruffled the other man's hair.

Spencer playfully scowled. "Thanks, I think."

"It's a compliment." Derek smiled. "Anyway, I pick truth."

"Have you ever worn girl's underwear?"

"More times than I'd care to admit." Derek grimaced and laughed.

"Was it that uncomfortable?"

"No, it wasn't that bad. I'd rather go commando than wear a thong, though."

"Anything to get a girl out of her skirt." Spencer shook his head in mock disapproval. He thought for a moment. "Tell me one embarrassing story about yourself."

"Like what?" Derek asked.

"Anything... A really bad date, getting caught with a girl... whatever springs to mind."

"Well... Freshman year, Penelope and I were walking down the hall after a lecture, and she went into a classroom to hand in an assignment to one of her professors for some other class. I was left on my own outside for a few minutes, so I started checking out every girl in the hall. And I saw this girl in the records office across the hall, trying to reach something on the top shelf. She had what was possibly the best ass I've ever seen, long legs and wavy brown hair."

"Poor girl, she had no idea what you were going to do to her." Spencer muttered.

"Being the gentleman that I am, I went into the office and grabbed the folder, offering it to said babe. But when the girl whose ass I was admiring turned around... It was a fifteen year old boy! It was possibly the most awkward moment of my life, because I was standing so close that the poor kid literally fell across my chest. I gave him the folder and got out of there as fast as I could. Thank god I haven't seen him since." Derek finished with a chuckle.

He glanced over at Spencer, who was gaping at him open mouthed, glancing at the road every few seconds.

Regaining the power of speech, Spencer finally spluttered; "That fifteen year old kid was me!"

"You're joking!"

"I think I remember almost getting molested by the star quarterback." Spencer quipped.

"Shit... this is awkward." Derek grinned sheepishly. "I'm sorry I ogled your ass."

"I'd say we're pretty even since I did force you to melt ice in your boxers." Spencer gestured to the wet spot on the crotch of Derek's jeans. "I was terrified of you that day! You had this predatory look in your eye... I never would have guessed we'd end up as best friends a few months later."

"It's a small world, I guess."

"I can't believe I didn't the recognise you the second time we met!" Spencer shook his head.

"Well, in all fairness, I had an afro and a beard." Derek laughed at the memory. "Baby girl got out some pictures a few weeks ago to show me, and I have no idea what I was thinking!"

Spencer didn't reply, instead focusing on turning off at the appropriate exit.

Derek hesitated, wondering if he was prying. "Look, kid, I know that there's some other reason you wanted to come on this trip. Don't get me wrong, there's no one I'd rather have with me, but d'you mind if I ask what the reason is?"

Silence stretched out between them, until Derek didn't think Spencer would reply.

Eventually, Spencer sighed and began to speak.

"I would have come with you anyway, but you're right. My other reason for coming on this trip is that I'm flat broke and I need to make a lot of money very quickly. Past experiences have taught me that money attracts more money, hence my coming. Don't ask me why I need the money, I just do. Pretty badly, to be honest." A troubled look came over his face, and he looked so vulnerable that it made Derek's heart clench.

Derek reached out and squeezed the other man's shoulder, trying to help even though he didn't know what the problem was.

Spencer glanced up and smiled, glad of his friend's company.

The conversation returned to lighter matters, and the two bantered back and forth amiably, happily ignoring the storm clouds on the horizon.


	9. Break In Two Over You

**Break In Two Over You**

*****Edited*** A/N: Thank you hugely to everyone who was so nice about the last chapter in their review, ye are so incredibly lovely. :) Things move forward now; and someone from Derek's past crops up. So, I hope you like it and please drop me a comment of some sort via a review! :)**

**Disclaimer; I do not own Criminal Minds. (What I wouldn't give...)**

"_**Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." – Paul Coelho.**_

Penelope and Emily sat side by side in the front of Emily's jeep, an oppressive silence hanging between them.

Penelope had gotten a train to Austin, and Emily picked her up there.

Besides a short exchange of pleasantries, Penelope hadn't spoken a word since then, and they had crossed the border into Mexico nearly two hours ago.

She hadn't answered any of Emily's calls or texts in the two weeks they had been apart. Emily was wracking her brains, trying to think if she could have done anything to offend her companion, but was coming up blank.

Patience had never been her strong suit, and as always, Emily broke first.

"Alright, spill. Are you mad at me for some reason?"

Jolted out of her reverie, Penelope turned to face Emily. "What? No, why would I be?"

"Well we've been together for the last four hours and all you've said is hello. So clearly something is bothering you."

"It has nothing to do with you." Penelope's tone was melancholic and flat.

"We have about a thousand miles left for me to drag whatever the problem is out of you, so why don't you make it easy and just tell me?"

"I told Aaron about my pregnancy scare."

Emily's eyes grew huge. "Oh, my God! What happened?"

"I asked him what he would have done if I had been pregnant and wanted to keep it. He told me he would have tried his best to get me abort." Penelope's voice grew thick with tears. "Then he broke up with me, because he thought he was holding me back from living my life."

Emily could feel the heartbreak rolling off her best friend in waves, oozing from her every pore.

Her knuckles tightened on the steering wheel, and she couldn't help but mutter her most imaginative threats. "... If I get my hands on that _son of a bitch_, I swear to god I'll castrate him with a blunt spoon..."

Penelope turned devastated eyes on her. "No, Em, you can't even talk to him about it! I need to figure out what I'm going to do... I'm coping. It's hard, but I'm managing."

Emily wasn't fooled. She knew her friend's version of "coping" was lying in bed for days on end, eating ice cream and drinking vodka.

"Look, I called a few old friends from NYU while I was stuck at my mother's. They'll meet us in Puerto Escondido, and I know for a fact that at least one of the guys is just your type. You need a distraction. So go with the flow and see what happens. You might even have fun." Her tone turned cajoling at the end.

"Maybe you're right." Penelope conceded. "But I need some more time to think, and you need to let me wallow in silence with my depressing music." She attempted flippancy and tried to smile, but failed miserably.

The two settled back into silence, each deep in thought.

******A few days later in Puerto Escondido******

"There they are! JJ!" Emily waved wildly to a pretty blonde across the bar and dragged Penelope over. The girl looked like she belonged in a beauty pageant with her long blonde hair, tanned skin and cornflower blue eyes.

Emily and JJ exchanged greetings, hugging and laughing.

"JJ, this is Penelope. She's been my roommate and best friend since I moved to California. Penelope, this is JJ, she was my partner in crime and we lived together when I went to NYU." Emily introduced them, smiling widely.

Penelope smiled and said hello, far more timid than she would normally be.

"So is anyone else here with you?" JJ asked Emily.

"Two guys will be here later. One of them is competing and wanted to check out the competition before he met up with us. Who else came with you?" Emily cast a glance around, searching for a familiar face.

"Kevin, Elle, Stan Gordinski and my new roommate." JJ beckoned to a small group standing by the window of the crowded bar.

The group made their way through the crowd, and Emily made a small noise of disapproval upon seeing Stan. He was, in her opinion, a racist and homophobic ass whom she'd far rather avoid. Dispelling her negative thoughts, she greeted Elle, Kevin and Stan warmly and then began introducing them to Penelope.

"Penelope, this is Stan, we used to take art history together. Stan, this is my best friend Penelope." Penelope couldn't say why, but she took an instant dislike to the man in front of her. He was average height and weight, with brown hair and green eyes that looked rather mean. She shook his hand politely but noted the way he leered at her.

"Pen, meet Elle. She tried to put weed in our supervisor's coffee during final exams of sophomore year. You two have lot in common." Elle hugged Penelope warmly, and Penelope instantly felt a connection to the girl. She was attractive, with long dark hair and honest brown eyes.

JJ took over here, introducing the other girl to both Emily and Penelope. "This is Rachel; she's been my roommate ever since Emily left New York. She has the best accent ever, and is competing tomorrow."

The girl grinned and hugged them both. "Hi, how are you?" She spoke with what Penelope thought was an Irish accent. Rachel was stunning. She had shiny, wavy hair that caught the light in red, gold and honey tones hanging to her elbows. Her face and arms were freckled, and her big blue eyes sparkled with humour.

"We're good, and you?" Emily spoke for the two of them. "Are you Irish?" Penelope added.

"I'm great, thanks." She laughed, and then continued. "And no, I'm from Thurso in Scotland. It's one of the best surf spots in Europe. There's really good waves, especially when it's windy."

They talked for a while, before Emily beckoned the last guy who hadn't been introduced over.

"And finally, this is Kevin. He was the best computer hacker at NYU, and the biggest nerd I know. Kevin, this is Penelope. She's the only person able to do more with a laptop than you." Emily turned to Penelope and flicked her eyes meaningfully at the guy, indicating that he was the one she had said was Penelope's type.

To be fair, Emily had been right. Kevin looked like a cute, dishevelled nerd. He was tall, slightly on the chubby side, and exuded an aura of goofy sincerity. His glasses were askew on his tanned face, and his friendly brown eyes were smiling. Penelope took in the tousled dark hair and decided that Emily had been right about her needing a distraction.

Kevin took her hand and placed a kiss on the back of it, bowing with an elaborate flourish.

Penelope giggled as he straightened up.

"What's the biggest agency you ever hacked into?" Kevin asked with a grin.

"If you ask me in a few weeks, I'll be able to say the FBI." She winked and casually took a bite out of the cherry from her drink.

Kevin whistled, clearly pleased. "A worthy opponent, at last. I spent last week cracking the database for Fuelled By Ramen, and conveniently downloaded Panic! at the Disco's unreleased album while I was there." He smiled impishly.

"You have to let me hear it, I love them!" Their conversation grew more and more animated, and Emily and JJ exchanged a knowing smile.

"Baby girl!" Derek's voice suddenly cut across the conversation.

He grabbed Penelope around the waist, picked her up and swung her around.

Penelope laughed as he put her down. "Hey, Chocolate God, long time no see!"

"Well, my mama would whoop my ass if I even brought my phone to the table." Derek admitted sheepishly.

"Where's Boy Wonder?" She asked, looking around.

"Parking my truck, he'll be here in a second." He shrugged.

Her eyes widened. "You let Reid drive?"

"Believe it or not, he's a decent driver. And I was trying to let my shoulder heal, because I still can't turn my neck to the right... That and he won the coin toss."

Penelope finally noticed Kevin standing there, awkwardly observing their conversation with a slightly crestfallen expression. _Shit,_ she thought, _he thinks Derek's my boyfriend!_

"Derek, this is Kevin, one of Em's friends from NYU. Kevin, this is my Chocolate God, Derek. We've been like this since freshman year." She held up two fingers wrapped around each other to demonstrate her point.

The two shook hands and got acquainted, until Reid appeared.

"Baby genius!" Penelope squealed, attacking him with a suffocating hug.

"Pen, you're crushing me." He gasped.

She drew back quickly and looked him over. He was embarrassed and red in the face from their exchange, but what caught her attention was his hair.

"Your hair! What happened?" She ran her hand through it, gaping at the difference it made to Spencer's face. He looked like a model slumming it in a dive bar.

"I cut it." He mumbled, ducking away from her touch.

Spencer walked over to Emily, exchanging more restrained greetings.

When she saw that he was busy being introduced to everyone from Emily's old college, Penelope turned back to Derek and Kevin, who were getting along famously.

"... Never would have taken you for a Vonnegut fan." Kevin was saying, laughter etched on his face.

"Pssh. I'm not just a pretty face." Derek joked.

"Can I break up the bromance?" Penelope cut in with a smile.

"Yeah, sure." Derek grinned. "I'm gonna grab a beer and then find my lucky lady of the night." He shot Penelope a meaningful look and tipped his head towards Kevin before departing for the bar.

He shot Spencer a sly wink when he saw how animatedly he and Emily's blond friend were talking.

Drink secured, he approached Emily, who was talking to a short redhead.

"Hey Derek. Good to see you." Emily smiled. "I hear Reid drove most of the way?"

"Yeah, he won the coin toss for it." Derek shook his head and laughed ruefully.

"Well, this is Rachel, she moved in with my roommate from New York after I left. Rachel, this is Derek, he's the slut of our group." Emily finished with a grin and ducked away from Derek's playful jab at her ribs.

"I prefer "playuh", if you don't mind." Derek smiled and turned towards Rachel.

She was definitely top of his list for girl of the evening.

"Well, hey there." He began flirtatiously.

"Sorry, I don't sleep with the competition." She returned playfully.

The accent did it. If there was one thing Derek Morgan was completely unable to resist, it was a girl with a sexy accent.

"You're competing tomorrow?" He asked.

She nodded. "I am, indeed."

He looked at her speculatively, thinking of the best way to chat her up. "What part of Scotland are you from? I'm guessing... Halkirk , maybe?"

A smile spread across her pretty face. "Thurso. You were close enough. How did you guess?"

"My mama's Irish, and my uncle lives around Aberdeen. I spent a summer there after junior high." Derek knew she was warming up to him.

She turned her body fully towards him, and he inwardly cheered.

"Excuse me." A brusque voice sounded behind Derek.

"Sorry, man." Derek automatically moved to let the guy get to the bar, and turned to see who'd spoken.

Incredulity flitted across his face, quickly followed by shrewd resentment.

"Gorndinski? What the fuck are you doing here?"

**A/N: Reviews make my day... ;)**


	10. Why are all my titles too long?

**Time Has Taken Toll On What We Couldn't See**

*****Edited*** A/N: I realised a few days ago that I've pretty much butchered everyone's character (except maybe Emily's) for this story. My apologies, but since they're already unrecognisable I'll just continue with it. :P A few people have said that they don't like Rachel, but she'll be around for a while, sorry to disappoint. I hope you like the chapter, and leave me a review? :D**

**Song Recommendation: "Can't Go Back" by Rosi Golan**

**Disclaimer: Is there a point to these things?**

_**"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." – Ralph Waldo Emerson.**_

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Derek Morgan the juvenile delinquent." Stan covered his surprise at seeing Derek with an arrogant bravado.

"I don't want any trouble, Gordinski, so I suggest you fuck off." Derek bristled.

"But we've had such great times together, Derek. It's just a pity you decided to take things too far." Stan jibed.

"You and I both know exactly what happened, and it sure as hell wasn't my fault." Derek seemed to grow even taller and wider as his rage increased.

Rachel observed the two's ongoing exchange with a worried expression.

"You can't prove that." Stan smirked. "The only reason you didn't go to a juvenile correction centre is because Carl Buford saved your ass."

Derek stepped closer, towering over Stan. "You'd want to watch what you say, Gordinski, before I beat you to a pulp. I saved that guy's life! But then, you always were a racist, homophobic little bitch who hid behind his daddy's badge."

Stan's eyes narrowed in loathing.

Derek continued conversationally. "Did you know that in a recent study of 64 heterosexual men at the University of Georgia, they found that men who were self-professed homophobes were considerably more likely to experience an erectile response when exposed to homoerotic images than non-homophobic men?" Derek grinned, and then whispered in a conspirational tone. "What do you think that says about you, Stan?" He clapped the smaller man on the shoulder.

Stan's jaw worked as he tried to speak, but no sound came out.

His face grew redder and redder, causing Derek to laugh, silently thanking Spencer for inadvertently teaching him that statistic.

That did it.

His face contorted in rage and he swung his right fist at Derek's jaw.

Derek ducked around the punch easily, and before Stan could register having moved, he found himself pinned against the bar with his right wrist securely held behind his back by Derek's hulking mass.

"I'd really love to give you a proper right hook to the face, but as a competitor I have to stay out of trouble." Derek twisted Stan's wrist harder, making the other man gasp in pain. "Now I'm going to go outside, and when I come back, you're going to have left this bar. I never want to see you again, and I'd strongly advise that you stay out of my way. Are we clear?" Emphasising his point further, Derek increased the angle of Stan's wrist, coming dangerously close to breaking it.

Stan nodded, and Derek let go.

Derek strode outside, a severely pissed look on his face.

The whole group had observed the exchange, and as Stan turned to leave, Penelope started after Derek, only to be stopped by Spencer.

"Let me." He hurried after his friend, leaving a confused Penelope in his wake.

Spencer burst out of the bar to find Derek pacing quickly up and down, running his hands over his head with an unreadable expression.

"Derek." Spencer called out quietly, unsure if he was right to invade his friend's privacy.

"Just leave it, Spencer. You don't want to know" Derek was the image of composure, only betrayed by his shaking hands and eyes that were clearly not seeing anything from the present.

Spencer sat down on the bench next to the door and spoke patiently. "Derek, you nearly beat the shit out of one of Emily's old college friends, and I know that you wouldn't have touched him unless you had an excellent reason. I won't force you to tell me, but I really want to help."

Derek seemed torn, but Spencer held his gaze.

Sighing, Derek sat down with his elbows on his knees.

"I told you that I used to get into trouble with the law when I was a kid." He began. "Well, Gordinski's dad was the cop who arrested me every single time. He had it out for me, and made sure to catch me every time I did something wrong. I was part of a gang in my neighbourhood, and the summer after I turned fourteen, we started getting into a lot of fights with Gordinski and his friends." He glanced at Spencer, and drew a deep breath.

"Stan Gordinski was always a racist, homophobic dick. He hated me with a passion, called me 'half-breed` and pretty much anything else he could think of. When that didn't get a good response out of me, he started picking on this kid who lived a few doors down from me. The guy's name was Jamie Parker, and he was bullied really badly ever since he came out of the closet the year before. He was like my baby brother and he looked up to me, because I was one of the only people who treated him like a real person."

His hands began to shake again, and his breathing became unsteady.

"One night, things got wildly out of hand. It was August 19th, and I remember every second of it." He felt warmth pooling in his eyes, but made no move to dispel the tears. "I was at home with my mom, and everything was fine up until about ten o'clock. I got a text saying to come down to this old abandoned house a few blocks away. When I got there, I couldn't see anyone and the whole place reeked of gasoline. I went in the front door to try and find whoever had texted me. Stan Gordinski's best friend was standing just inside, and he just looked at me with this serene expression, and took out a lighter. He was totally stoned, and he told me that Jamie was in the house, then lit the lighter and dropped it. The place lit up like a Christmas tree, and he just ran outside." He couldn't bear to look at Spencer, and felt hot tears sliding down his cheeks.

"I made my way upstairs as fast as I could, and found Jamie unconscious in the master bedroom. That was right over where the fire had started, and was already burning fast. I got us both out through an upstairs window over the front porch roof, but by the time we were both on the ground, there was chaos. Jamie was taken into an ambulance and rushed to hospital, there was fire fighters trying to put out the fire, and the cops were there too. Stan's best friend had scarpered, and Stan was saying something to his dad. Right after that, his dad came over and slapped handcuffs on me." He heard Spencer's sharp intake of breath, and pressed on.

"I didn't find out until a few hours later that they thought I had started the fire. Stan had told his dad that he was walking by on his way home when he saw it go up in flames, and that no one else had been there. He was covering for his best friend, and nearly ruined my life because of it. I got off with ten months community service and a fine, because the guy who ran the local community centre said he'd vouch for me and take responsibility if I did anything wrong again." His voice was hard and brittle at the thought of Carl Buford. "Jamie got out of hospital two months later. He knew it wasn't me who put him in that house, and said thank you to me for saving his life, but if you could've seen his eyes... They were so... Broken." He sniffed and straightened his back before finishing. "He suffered from PTSD for as long as I knew him, and he had these horrible scars all over his lower back." He finally turned to look at Spencer, not bothering to hide the tears in his eyes. "The kid can't even look in a mirror without being reminded of that night, and it's my fault."

The expression in Derek's eyes was so bleak and desolate that it broke Spencer's heart.

He got up and moved around the bench to sit next to Derek.

"What happened to Jamie was not your fault." When he saw Derek shake his head and drop his gaze, Spencer drew his best friend into a hug, sensing that he needed some form of comfort. "It's true. Derek, you're his hero. Don't ever doubt that."

There they sat side by side in the moonlight for an immeasurable length of time, Derek lost in his horrific memories, Spencer with his head on Derek's shoulder and his arm around the other man's middle, trying to ward off the demons he knew to be there.

**A/N: I fully imagined "Can't Go Back" playing when the lads were talking outside the bar, like in an episode of TVD.**

**Click the blue button... You know you want to! ;)**


	11. All The Things You Can't Explain

**All The Things You Can't Explain**

*****Edited*** A/N: I feel like this story is at or slightly past the half-way mark with this chapter. This is the last chapter I have written, so updates will probably be fairly erratic from now on. I feel weird about this chapter, but I hope you like it. Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. :)**

**Song Recommendation: "Human" by Civil Twilight**

**Disclaimer: It physically wounds me to write these. :/**

"_**There's a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart." – "Northern Exposure, First Snow" by Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider.**_

The next day, Spencer sat on the beach with everyone whom he met the night before in the bar, except Rachel, who was competing in her first round of the tournament.

Whilst everyone else waited for Rachel's turn to impress the judges, Spencer sat at the fringe of the group deep in thought.

He and Derek had sat on the bench outside the bar for a long time perusing separate trains of thought in comforting silence until Penelope had come looking for them.

For reasons that were beyond his understanding, they had broken apart instantaneously and behaved as if they had gotten caught doing something they shouldn't have. Things weren't awkward between them, but by unspoken understanding they didn't mention last night's events.

"Boy Wonder, walk with me." Penelope suddenly stood before him, inviting him away from the group.

He agreed, and they walked in slightly awkward silence. He wondered what she had gathered from the scene outside the bar. Despite the awkwardness, he couldn't help but notice that her eyes were brooding, as if she were grappling with an intense personal dilemma.

Eventually, Penelope spoke. "What was that outside the bar last night?"

Jolted out of his reverie, Spencer was surprised at the question. "Excuse me?"

"You and my Chocolate God were having a serious moment, by the look of things." Penelope fixed him with a knowing look.

"We got to know each other a lot better on the way down here, and last night he opened up to me about something that happened a long time ago... What you saw was completely innocent." Spencer struggled to phrase his reply correctly, trying but failing not to arouse Penelope's curiosity.

"What was the incident?" Penelope prompted.

Spencer shook his head. "It's not my story to tell."

"It's that bad?" Penelope was aghast.

"It doesn't have anything to do with you or me, so let's just drop it." Spencer was unusually adamant in his refusal to talk, and so they returned to the group in contemplative silence.

"Rachel McAllister, contestant number 4863." A nasal female voice announced over the temporary speakers scattered along the beach just as they reached the group.

Rachel could be seen running into the sea, and cheers rang out along the beach.

JJ glanced up to see who had arrived, and smiled warmly at Spencer.

The two had instantly clicked last night, a true oddity for Spencer. She was kind and engaging, and drew him out of his shell nearly as much as Derek and Penelope. He liked her a lot, but had no romantic interest in her despite all of Emily's hints.

She beckoned him over, and he collapsed ungracefully onto the towel while watching Rachel begin to stand on her board.

He had no idea about the finer points of surfing, but he could tell that Rachel was extremely good.

By the time she reached the shallows, the whole beach was clapping and she approached the group grinning.

"Looks like you'll be joining me in the final." Derek commented with his best ladykiller smile.

Rachel looked up from peeling off her wetsuit. "If you get there." She joked.

"Is that a challenge?"

Their banter grew more and more flirtatious, until it reminded Spencer of Derek and Penelope.

It was glaringly obvious to even the most socially inept person (such as himself) that there was a serious amount of sexual tension between Rachel and Derek, as well as fierce competition. They would eventually end up in bed together; it was only a matter of time.

"I wish they'd just get it over with and have sex." JJ muttered, tipping her head towards the sounds of Rachel and Derek flirting shamelessly.

Spencer suppressed a laugh at her words, nodding in agreement. "Trust me, if Derek gets his way, they will. She's exactly his type; he's hopeless to resist a girl with an accent."

"Yeah, well, he's pretty much everyone's type." JJ laughed.

"Don't tell him that." Spencer deadpanned.

"So," JJ continued conversationally. "Is there any other reason you're in town?"

"No, I just came with Derek. What about you?"

"Officially, I'm here as Rachel's cheerleader. But... My ex is competing, and we only broke up because he went to Bali for a year to practice surfing. So, I'm hoping to run into him." It was clear from the smile growing on JJ's face that she still had feelings for the guy.

"What's his name?" Spencer found it oddly easy to talk to JJ.

"Will LaMontagne. He's competing tomorrow in the morning, so I'll be right here waiting to 'randomly` bump into him." JJ laughed. "Is that weird?"

"No! I think that if you can recognise what you want, and have the will to pursue it, then you deserve to be happy." Spencer returned JJ's smile.

"Thanks, I guess I needed to hear that."

Seeing that the rest of the group was packing up their stuff and getting ready to leave, they quickly followed suit.

Walking back to the car park, they split into groups of whoever was staying together.

Derek had parked a half mile farther down, and so they were the left to chat idly as they walked.

"So... You and Rachel?" Spencer speculated.

"What about me and Rachel?" Derek asked.

"Nothing at all... But if you bring her back to our room, I'll tell Penelope about you ogling my ass freshman year. It's a hell of a lot more embarrassing for you than me." Spencer chuckled at the thought of Penelope's face if she was made privy to that information.

"That's sly!" Derek mock glared at friend. "But fine, I'll work something else out. Though you should consider-"

Derek broke off as a short man in his early thirties with black hair and electric blue highlights approached them. He was clad in skin tight blue denim jeans, a white shirt and a grey satin waistcoat. Friendly brown eyes looked up from under the peak of his jauntily placed top hat.

"Sorry to interrupt you boys, but I'm a talent scout for a modelling agency that's doing a few photo shoots in town over the next week. My name's Scott Ramsay." He smiled at the two of them, who looked sceptical. He felt in the pocket of his impossibly tight jeans and drew out a cream business card. "If you're interested at all, please give us a call, you're exactly what we've been looking for."

Before Scott could offer him the card, Derek shook his head. "Sorry, I'm a competitor in the tournament, there's no way I'd have the time. Thanks for the offer, though."

Scott looked decidedly awkward. "I... wasn't offering the job to you."

Spencer, who had been partially zoned out, suddenly realised that they were both staring at him. "Me? Be a model?" He squeaked.

"Look, you just have to stand there and look pretty, and it's really good money. Think about it." Scott pressed his card into Spencer's hand and sashayed away.

Slowly, the two resumed their previous stroll to Derek's truck.

Derek looked mildly affronted at the slight to his ego, but couldn't pass up the chance to tease Spencer. "Looks like I was onto something when I started calling you Pretty Boy, kid." He grinned and mussed Spencer's hair.

"Aren't you funny?" Spencer rolled his eyes at Derek's antics.

"You gonna do it?" Derek enquired.

"I might... I hate cameras but if the money's good..." Spencer trailed off, biting his plush bottom lip. He shook his head to dispel the thoughts. "Come on, we said we'd meet the others at the bar. You better not keep Rachel waiting."

He ducked under the playful slap Derek aimed at the back of his head and laughed, hopping into the passenger side of Derek's truck.

...

That night, the whole group was in the same bar as last night and the conversation flowed freely.

Stan had disappeared after his little "chat" with Derek, and when someone brought it up they realised no one knew where he had gone, or if he was even still in Puerto Escondido.

Two hours and three beers later, Spencer found himself alone at the bar with JJ.

During a lull in their conversation, he looked around to see what everyone else was up to.

Penelope and Kevin were laughing and dancing on the crowded dance floor. Emily and Elle were standing at a table by the window being chatted up by two buff guys in their late twenties. It took him a moment of searching to find Derek and Rachel. They were sitting in the darkest corner of the bar, Rachel straddling Derek's lap, making out furiously. Judging by the slightly awkward angle Rachel was sitting at; Spencer had a fairly good idea of exactly where Derek's hands were.

He looked away, shaking his head ruefully at Derek's brazenness.

He looked down at JJ, who was staring into space.

"You look nervous. Stressing about meeting Will tomorrow?" He smiled kindly at her.

"Yeah." She sighed. "If I don't calm down I'm going to start biting my nails. I can't explain it, but I feel like... Like I've spent the last two years hoping for Will and I to find our way back together, and I'm still hopeful, but I don't know if he even remembers me."

"JJ, there's no way he forgot about you." He squeezed her shoulder in a friendly gesture, and was relieved to see her smile up at him.

"Spence, you don't give yourself enough credit. You're really good with people once you get past the awkwardness of meeting someone knew." The nickname was new, but upon seeing JJ's warm smile, Spencer decided to refrain from commenting.

"Thanks, I think." He felt his phone vibrate, and pulled it out his pocket.

It was a text from Derek.

_I know I said I'd work something else out, but d'you mind if I take Rachel back to our room? I only need an hour, and I'll buy you breakfast. Please, dude. :)_

Spencer grimaced and decided it wasn't worth the argument.

_Okay, you have exactly one hour. But you'll buy me lunch as well._

He shoved the phone back into the pocket of his jeans.

The next hour and a half passed in a flurry of conversation and laughter, until JJ dropped him off at the hostel where he was sharing a room with Derek.

He crept into their shared room as quietly as possible, trying not to wake his friend.

He was unpleasantly surprised to see Rachel curled up next to Derek with her head on his chest. Derek normally didn't allow whatever girl he had been with to stay.

He changed and used the bathroom quickly, settling back onto the thin mattress of his bed.

He lay there for a long while, trying to understand what the hollow ache in his chest could possibly mean.

**A/N: In correlation with my melodramatic tendencies, I imagined "Human" by Civil Twilight beginning to play as JJ drops Spencer off, and then the chorus playing as he's thinking deeply after he gets into bed. (I've been watching too many episodes of TVD.) :P **

**That little blue button looks awfully lonely... Go on, click him! ;)**


	12. The Price I Pay

**The Price I Pay**

*****Edited*** A/N: To all my lovely readers; it's been far too long, I know. State exams in ten days, and have I studied? Nope. :) To make up for the fact that I haven't updated in so long, this chapter is super long. I will update again as soon as I can, but I have no idea when that will be. I'm not an "I want x number of reviews before I upload the next chapter" kind of author, but it does inspire me and help me write a lot faster when someone drops me some sort of comment. :) I'll just shut up now.**

**Disclaimer: I feel no need to write these anymore.**

"_**But when I would see the surrogate, my first instinct, my first reaction would be jealousy, because she was doing what I wanted to do." **__–_**_ Cheryl Tiegs._**

Spencer awoke the next morning with a strange constricted feeling in his chest. He furrowed his brow, trying to discern the cause for the odd ache, but came up blank. He slid quietly from his bed and rummaged through his bag for clean clothes, knowing that Derek would still be asleep.

He'd called Scott Ramsay the previous evening to accept the offer of a modelling job. Scott had told him to come to a boat on the docks at 9 am for a photo shoot. The idea of modelling still made him distinctly uncomfortable, but after hearing that he could make enough money to pay his mother's healthcare bills for two months in just a week of photo shoots, he was willing to ignore his discomfort.

Having found his only pair of skinny jeans and a purple t-shirt, Spencer turned around to leave the room.

The sight of Rachel pressed into Derek's side, smiling in her sleep, made his stomach shift.

He crept out of the room, wanting to escape as quickly as possible.

He went through the motions of getting ready, barely noticing what he was doing. The clenched feeling in his stomach didn't subside.

He walked to the beach, still on auto pilot, hoping to run into JJ.

When he got there, he found her sitting on a towel biting her nails apprehensively, distanced from the crowd watching the surfers.

"Stop stressing and get it over with." He chided her without preamble.

She jumped nearly a foot into the air, and twisted around to face him.

Her makeup was carefully done, and he had no doubt that her wavy, seemingly careless hair had gotten the same treatment. She smiled at him nervously and sighed. "I can't. He's next to surf and I do _not _want to talk to him in front of fifty people."

"JJ, you'll only talk yourself out of approaching him if you wait." He spoke gently, empathising with her inner turmoil.

"I know, you're right, but just humour me. Please?" She fixed him with huge, beseeching blue eyes so pleading that he had no choice but to relent.

Before he could reply, the same nasal female voice from yesterday sounded over the speakers. "William LaMontagne Junior, contestant number 5294."

Spencer sat down next to JJ, watching as a young man with brown hair and a wiry build began paddling away from the beach. He could tell without looking at JJ that she was observing with rapt attention every minute shift of his weight Will made, and every twitch his face made as it set in concentration.

"You really don't like Rachel, do you?" JJ didn't look at him when she spoke.

"What makes you say that?" Spencer skirted the question.

JJ chuckled. "Am I wrong?"

"No." He admitted quietly.

"So what is it about her that bothers you?"

"I don't know..." He didn't want to go into his confused emotions at this hour of the morning.

"Spence, you can talk to me. There are times when I don't like her, either. Do you think it's fun constantly being around someone who's good at everything?"

"I don't know how to explain it... It's not something she does that bothers me, but whenever I glance over at her, I just... really dislike her."

JJ looked unconvinced. "Come on, we both know you can do better than that."

He sighed. "She's perfect. Everything about her is perfect. She's beautiful, she's an athlete, she's smart, she's lovely to talk to, and it just annoys me. Every time I look over at Derek, she's there, and I find it unspeakably infuriating that I don't even have a good reason to not like her!" He felt guilty as soon as he'd finished his little rant.

JJ turned towards him, smiling widely. "You're jealous."

"What? No, I'm not." He winced when he heard his voice shoot up an octave.

"Oh, you are majorly jealous, my friend. Don't even try to deny it." JJ's smile grew even wider.

"And if I am?" He admitted in a small voice.

"Tell Derek you like him! He's your best friend, he won't hate you for it." JJ grinned, nearly squealing.

"Yeah, because that'll turn out so well." Spencer rolled his eyes.

"Just think about it. That's all I ask." JJ patted his hand and turned back towards the water.

Will had just returned to the beach amidst a chorus of cheers and claps, grinning widely.

He stopped and spoke to a pair of blond men Spencer recognised from the bar last night, and continued up the beach alone.

Spencer stood up. "JJ, this is the best opportunity you're going to get. Go!" He pulled her to her feet and propelled her forcefully in Will's direction.

She shot a meaningful look over her shoulder, but confidently strode across the beach to intercept Will.

She did a good job of appearing calm and natural, but Spencer wasn't fooled. He'd seen her hands shaking as she bit her nails.

He watched as Will hugged her and smiled, clearly pleased to see her. Their conversation became animated, and they continued walking, never looking away from the other.

He smiled, happy for JJ. There was no doubt in his mind that everything would work out between her and Will, the spark was visible even to him.

Checking his watch, he saw that it was 8:53AM. Brushing sand off his jeans, he began to make his way towards the harbour.

...

That night, Spencer made his way up the beach while reflecting on the day's happenings.

He had gotten to the boat where the shoot was set up just before nine, and had been poked and prodded by what had felt like the entire population of Mexico before they had even sent him to hair and makeup.

Various people had applied more powders and dubious-looking liquids to his face than there were in a Chinese firework factory, and every time he squirmed in discomfort he was chastised colourfully.

An hour later, when the makeup girls had finally finished perfecting his face, the hair team descended upon him.

His hair had been pulled, brushed and touched innumerable times by the men and women in charge of styling his hair before they finally decided to fix it with enough products to make it feel like a helmet.

He looked in the mirror when they were finished, and was unimpressed when he saw that his face and hair looked identical to how they had that morning, except the dark circles under his eyes were hidden.

The wardrobe department had made him strip down to his black boxer briefs and try on thirty variations of the same outfit before finally releasing him from their clutches.

It had been two in the afternoon by the time they started taking test shots, and they hadn't finished until sometime after 8PM.

JJ had texted him that they were having a bonfire on the beach, and the sounds of laughter and someone tuning a guitar floated towards him.

"Hey, Pretty Boy!" Derek caught sight of him and called out.

He waved awkwardly to the entire group and sat down heavily on a log between Emily and Derek.

She smiled and passed him a beer. "You look like you could use it."

He exhaled and shook his head, unscrewing the cap of the long-neck bottle. "You would not believe how incredibly shit modelling is."

"Aww, cheer up, Pretty Boy! The money's great, so deal with it." Derek clapped him on the back so hard he spluttered slightly on his beer.

Still coughing, he ignored Derek and looked around at the people conversing in twos and threes.

Penelope, Kevin and Emily were arguing the merits of The Godfather and Scarface, unable to agree on which was better. Elle commented every now and then, plucking idly at the guitar in her lap. The picture of blissful happiness, JJ and Will were speaking to each other too quietly to hear, holding hands all the while. Lastly his eyes fell on Derek and Rachel, who were nearly as oblivious to their surroundings as JJ and Will. Rachel rested her head on Derek's shoulder and pressed herself into his side possessively.

"It sickens me." Emily's voice murmured from beside him.

"What?" Spencer turned his gaze on her, embarrassed at having been caught staring.

"Derek and Rachel. It physically makes me sick."

"Oh, yeah. I agree." He replied absently, proceeding to drain his almost full bottle of beer.

Without warning, Penelope stood up and addressed the group loudly. "Alright, gang, we are all pleasantly inebriated, and as queen of our motley group, I decree that it is time to play truth or dare."

A collective groan sounded from all around the bonfire, but they were overruled by Penelope and Elle's undying enthusiasm.

Penelope sat back down, and flicked her eyes over each member of the group. "This was my idea, so I'll choose the first victim. Hmm..." Her eyes roved over Emily and settled on Spencer. "Boy wonder, truth or dare?"

He gulped, and picked the less damning option. "Truth."

She looked at him contemplatively, sizing up his weak spots. "Which do you enjoy more; food or sex?"

He gaped at her, shocked at the question. Silence descended, everyone straining to hear his answer.

"Sex." He mumbled, feeling a scarlet blush colour his cheeks.

He glanced up from his shoes, surprised to see most of the group's astounded expressions. "Oh, come on, I'm not that young!" He exclaimed indignantly.

Derek, the only person who hadn't been shocked by his revelation, chimed in. "Alright, fair enough. But what about coffee or sex?"

"Coffee, hands down." Spencer answered instantly, not needing to even think about his answer. He didn't hesitate before choosing the next player. "Kevin, truth or dare?"

Kevin looked surprised at the question, but replied evenly enough; "Dare."

Spencer's face fell slightly; he had never been good at thinking of dares.

Emily leaned in to whisper something in his ear, and he snorted with laughter at her suggestion.

"Alright, Kevin. I dare you to leave a tampon in each nostril for one round."

Kevin looked like he would have given anything to be elsewhere.

"You can always take a chicken." Emily interjected. "But then you'll have to accept the penalty, no matter what."

"Alright, I'll do it." Kevin sighed, and Elle struggled to hold back a snigger.

Penelope produced two mini tampons from her voluminous hand bag, and handed them over with a devilish grin.

Kevin ripped open the yellow packaging, and was confounded by the plastic applicator. After a moment of scrutiny, Elle took pity on him and removed both tampons from the offending tubes. With a long-suffering expression, Kevin jammed a tampon first into one nostril, then the other. "Happy now?" He glared Emily, who dissolved into hysterics at the altered pitch of his voice.

"Will, truth or dare?" Kevin turned his glower to an unsuspecting Will.

Will eyed the tampons with distaste, and carefully enunciated; "Truth."

"How old were you when you got your first kiss?"

Will's cheeks turned a dark pink colour, and he hung his head ashamedly. "Twenty one."

JJ turned towards him, surprised at his answer. "But you're twenty three now, and we were going out two years ago. How is that possible?"

Will's blush heated further. "You were my first kiss."

JJ smiled, pleased with his answer, and settled against his shoulder once more.

"Derek, truth or dare?" Will addressed the other young man across the crackling flames.

Unable to resist the chance to prove his alpha male fearlessness, Derek puffed out his chest. "Dare."

Will thought for a moment. "I dare you to take a body shot off someone in this group."

"Too easy." Derek scoffed and stood up. "I choose Rachel." He dug into the cooler box and pulled out a bottle of tequila and a plastic shot glass.

Spencer watched with growing dislike as Rachel lay flat on her back and pulled up her top to reveal her toned stomach.

He continued to watch as Derek sprinkled salt just below Rachel's navel, and balanced a full shot glass on her belly button.

He felt his lip curl as he observed Derek lick the salt from Rachel's midsection, upend the shot down his throat without using his hands, and suck on a lime wedge. Derek grimaced and sipped his beer to dispel the taste, throwing the lime skin into the bonfire.

"Pretty Boy, truth or dare?" Derek asked.

"I already had a turn! Pick someone else." Spencer protested.

"No dice, kid. Pick one."

"Dare." He answered, reaching around Emily for another beer.

"You told me you were 'somewhat musically inclined' as we drove down here. I dare you to prove it." Derek sat back, looking pleased with himself.

"Fine." Spencer sighed. Not many people would believe it, but he actually loved the buzz of performing. It was one of the only times he enjoyed being the centre of attention, because he knew he was a talented musician. "Elle, can I borrow your guitar?"

Elle stood up and handed him her guitar, and he checked the tuning while he decided on a song to play. His eyes flicked over Rachel and Derek, and the perfect song instantly popped into his head.

He plucked the opening and sang through the verse, studiously ignoring the PDA's going on to his left. He heard more than one person sing the chorus with him, but was pleased to hear his own voice ring strong and clear over everyone else's despite the two beers he'd drank.

_Now they're going to bed_

_And my stomach is sick_

_And it's all in my head_

_But she's touching his chest now _

_He takes off her dress now_

_Let me go_

_And I just can't look_

_It's killing me_

_And taking control_

_Jealousy_

_Turning saints into the sea_

_Turning through sick lullabies_

_Choking on your alibi_

_But it's just the price I pay_

_Destiny is calling me_

_Open up my eager eyes_

_I'm Mr. Brightside _

Cheers and claps resounded through the circle when he finished, and he grinned shyly in response. He handed back Elle's guitar and chose his next victim. "Emily."

"Truth." She smiled, thinking that Spencer would never come up with something too embarrassing.

"Have you ever done anything illegal and what was it?"

Emily shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Yeah. For my twenty first birthday, Elle, JJ and me all went on a pub crawl back in New York. We were coming out of the last bar to go home, which was on the other side of town, and we were all in a pretty bad state. We saw a police car parked in a back alley, and Elle had the bright idea to graffiti it. I don't remember anything much after that, but there's a picture of JJ and me next to the car with 'thanks for the lift' written on the bonnet a few blocks from my old apartment." Emily hung her head in shame, attempting to ignore the laughter coming at her from all sides.

JJ and Elle looked rather shamefaced too, furtively ignoring eye contact.

Emily raised her head and looked around, her eyes landing on JJ. "Jayje, truth or dare?"

"Dare." JJ replied nervously.

"I dare you to skinny dip." Emily grinned like the Cheshire cat, looking unusually smug.

JJ paled. "What? That's way worse than what anyone else has had to do!"

Emily's grin remained devilish. "If you take a chicken you'll have to accept the penalty without complaint."

JJ glared at Emily and stood up. She tossed her phone to Will and took off her shoes. "Sometimes I really hate you, Em, you know that?"

Emily snorted with laughter as JJ jogged down the beach. When she reached the water's edge, she stripped quickly and entered the water, diving beneath the surface. She emerged a moment later twenty feet farther out to sea. She swam back to the shore and dressed quickly, running back up the beach.

"Nice tan lines, Jayje!" Rachel hollered down at the petite blonde.

"Screw you!" JJ shouted back good naturedly, mock glaring at the other girl.

Her teeth could be heard chattering as she reached the group, and she paused to wring her hair out over Emily's head. Emily shrieked and bolted from her seat, exclaiming; "Shit, that's cold!"

JJ grabbed a blanket from ground and wrapped it around herself, sitting back down next to Will. When her teeth had stopped chattering and she had dried off, she picked the next contender. "Penelope, truth or dare?"

"I choose a group dare." Penelope's lacquered red lips parted into a mischievous grin, and her eyes sparkled dangerously.

"You can pick it." JJ said dismissively, searching through the cooler box for water.

Penelope bounced in her seat like a child on Christmas morning. "We're going to have piggy back races! But, in these races, the girls have to carry the boys." When no one outright objected, she clapped her hands and stood up. "Who volunteers to be referee?"

Elle laid down her guitar and got up. "I'll do it."

Amidst a chorus of groans and mumbled complaints, Elle lined them up in their pairs at one end of the beach and proceeded to walk away and draw a straight line a hundred feet away.

JJ and Will were paired together, naturally, and Penelope had called dibs on going with Kevin. Derek and Rachel had automatically teamed up, their competitive natures unable to pass up a challenge. And so, by default, Emily and Spencer were left to work together. Truth be told, Spencer was relieved that Emily was his partner, as he knew her the best out of all the girls.

"Ready..." Elle shouted up to them.

The boys all stood behind the girls with their hands on their partner's shoulders.

"... Set..."

Each of the guys jumped onto their partner's back.

"... Go!"

With cumbersome caution, the girls began to move towards Elle in an awkward cross between a speed walk and a jog.

Spencer looked sideways, and was surprised to see he and Emily were ahead of everyone else by a few feet.

Emily crossed the finish line and deposited him back onto the sand.

She turned to look at him incredulously. "I've given piggy backs to girls heavier than you."

Unable to resist the childish urge, he stuck out his tongue at her in jest.

By that time, everyone else had crossed the now blurred finish line and was standing on solid ground.

Rachel could be seen slapping Derek's arm jokingly and asking him; "How much do you freaking weigh?"

He just laughed at her. "Probably about the same as two of you. I'm surprised you could even stand with me on your back."

"Bitch, please. I'm a tank. I go horse riding, surfing and running." She jokingly held up her arm and tensed her bicep.

Derek snorted derisively and threw and arm around her shoulders, leading the way back to the bonfire.

Spencer felt that same dull, constricting ache in his chest as he had the night before as he watched them.

He only noticed the rest of the group heading after Rachel and Derek when JJ touched his shoulder and asked him if he was coming.

He smiled quickly and nodded the affirmative, trailing behind the group along the sand.

After they were once again seated, Penelope insisted that it was still her turn, and called on Elle to go next.

"I pick dare." Elle winked, enthused at the prospect of a challenge.

"I dare you to..." Penelope thought for a few seconds. "Have a tequila race with my baby genius."

Spencer glanced up, alarmed at hearing his name.

Elle was already lining up shot glasses on the lid of the cooler box and beckoning him to sit beside her, leaving no room for argument.

Sighing in resignation, he got up and re-located by Elle's side, watching her lining up five shot glasses each and a full bottle of beer.

"You've got to be joking! I'll pass out if I drink that much!" Spencer protested, aghast.

"Suck it up; I'm not taking the penalty." Elle silenced him with a look.

While Elle unscrewed the caps from the beers, Spencer glanced to his right.

His stomach twisted at the sight of Rachel draping herself over Derek, and suddenly he didn't feel quite so opposed to consuming the alcohol laid out before him.

He turned back to the cooler box lid when Penelope started counting down. "3, 2, 1, go!"

He tipped each of the shots down his throat as fast as he could and began gulping the beer down, watching Elle from the corner of his eye as she did the same.

He finished the beer and slammed his empty bottle down on the blue lid; Elle's hitting the plastic a split second later.

"Baby genius wins!" Penelope whooped.

Elle congratulated him, looking slightly surprised but gracious in her defeat.

He hardly noticed the conversation, distracted by the golden glow his surroundings had taken on. The alcohol made everything shimmery and the flames of the bonfire seemed to move in slow motion.

A while later, he wasn't sure how long, he was being supported by Derek as he stumbled through the door of their shared room, giggling weakly.

He tripped over the threshold, nearly landing flat on his face, only saved from the action by Derek's arm wrapped around his waist tightly.

"Why'd you make me leave? I was having fun!" Spencer slurred.

"After that game of Never Have I Ever, you'd definitely had enough to drink." Derek laughed.

"Killjoy." Spencer pouted.

"Try telling me that tomorrow when you have a killer hangover." Derek turned away and began to pull down the blankets on Spencer's bed.

It suddenly occurred to Spencer that JJ might have been right about telling Derek how he felt. If Derek rejected him, he could always just give the excuse that he had been too drunk to know what he was saying.

He stood up straight and pulled Derek around to face him.

"What's u-" He cut the other man off by placing a hard kiss on his mouth.

Derek remained frozen for a moment, not returning the kiss but not leaning away. After a long moment, he brought his arms up and around Spencer's waist, holding him tightly. He leaned into the kiss, dominating it with a skilled ease. He flicked the tip of his tongue against Spencer's bottom lip, and plunged into the hot, wet cavern of the other's mouth. Spencer moaned when he felt the pleasurable intrusion, pressing himself harder against Derek's toned body.

Spencer's moan made Derek suddenly snap back to reality. He pushed the pale, slight man away, stepping back hurriedly. A horrified expression came over his face as he realised what had just happened. His hand flew to his mouth and his eyes widened to their limits. Without saying a word, he hastened to leave the room, and a moment later Spencer heard his truck starting up outside and driving away.

Spencer pressed his back against the wall and sank to the floor, feeling hot tears escape his eyes. He began to sob quietly. The dull, constricted ache in his chest from earlier had been replaced by a sharp, wrenching pain. He'd forgotten just how painful rejection was.

"_**In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing." – **_**"**_**The Second Neurotic's Notebook"**__**by Mignon McLaughlin.**_

**A/N: To anyone who lives under a rock and didn't recognise the song Spencer sang, it's "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers. That will be all. :P**

**It's scientifically proven that good things happen to people who give reviews... ;)**


	13. I Won't Ever Be Your Cornerstone

**I Won't Ever Be Your Cornerstone**

**A/N: Howdy, my furry friends. :) I'm sad to say that this could be the last update for a couple of weeks, I have to start cramming for 10 subjects (that's 14 papers to sit) and exam stress is killing me. Yet I still decided my time was better spent writing something to entertain you, oh beautiful reader, instead of preparing for my Junior Cert. :P Anyways, I really hope ye like it, and feedback is, as always, greatly appreciated. ;)**

**Song Recommendation: "Pyro" by Kings of Leon**

**Disclaimer: I think we've established by now that I do not own Criminal Minds. -.-**

***** Edit: I don't know if this counts as a false update, but only the quote was changed.*****

"_**Hell is empty and all the devils are here.**__**" – William Shakespeare.**_

Hearing Spencer moan into the kiss and press himself closer, Derek came to. With a jolt, he realised exactly what he was doing and with whom. Reflexively, he shoved a drunken Spencer away from him. While Spencer staggered against the wall in search of balance, he felt himself clap his hand over his mouth and widen his eyes in horror. Not thinking of the possible ramifications, he blindly bolted from the room, just needing to get away.

Refusing to think about what had just happened; he got into his truck and started it, driving aimlessly but quickly away from the situation he sought to erase from his mind.

Fighting to keep his head devoid of all thoughts, he finally noticed his surroundings. He turned left, coming to a halt between the neat white lines of the beach car park.

He got out and sat on the hood of his truck, hugging his knees to his chest as he watched the ocean hurl itself angrily at the white sand of the beach.

His thoughts chased each other through endless circles in his head, no longer happy to remain suppressed and silent.

Sighing, he squeezed his eyes shut and rested his forehead on his knees.

The whole situation had blurred everything that he had worked so hard to compartmentalise into neat blocks of black and white into shades of murky grey. The abuse he had endured at the hands of Carl Buford was never far from his mind, no matter how hard he tried to forget and ignore it. He had put up walls and closed himself off after Buford had violated his trust, and knew that his jaded cynicism came from having his innocence robbed at such a young age.

He had long ago stopped blaming himself for the abuse; he had been no more than a child who unwittingly fell into the grasp of a sick, twisted paedophile. But the possibility that he was gay shook him to his very core, and made him wonder if Carl Buford had shaped the person he had become. The notion terrified him, but he couldn't shake it.

He had seen the hurt and bewilderment in Spencer's eyes when he'd pushed him away, and felt a crushing guilt at having caused his best friend pain. He knew that his rejection and the way he'd left so quickly would affect the younger man badly. Spencer's insecurity would run amok, and he would blame himself for driving Derek away. They had never spoken of it, but Derek knew that Spencer had deep-seated abandonment and self-worth issues. He sighed again, knowing that his actions had only exacerbated the other man's innumerable insecurities.

He lifted his head, hearing light footsteps approach.

"Hey, hot stuff." Penelope spoke gently, appearing beside him. "Mind if I join you?"

He gestured to the other half of the black hood. "How did you find me?"

She scrambled ungracefully onto the high bonnet and mimicked his chosen sitting position. "My spidey sense was tingling, and I had a feeling you would be here."

He nodded, fixing his eyes on the tide, which was starting to retreat back down the shoreline.

Seconds turned into minutes, and when it became clear that he had no intention of speaking, Penelope tentatively broke the silence.

"Derek, it is currently..." She checked her watch. "3:46 in the AM, is there any chance you want to tell me why we're sitting here?"

He realised she must be extremely serious by her use of his first name, but merely shook his head.

"Seriously? No?" She eyed him incredulously and decided enough was enough. "Well, too freaking bad. I'm your friend, so spill."

He recognised her tone, and knew that she'd drag some semblance of an explanation out of him whatever it took. He unfolded his cramped legs, letting them dangle over the front of the bonnet. "Do you remember that time back in sophomore year when I called you at three in the morning and came over to your apartment?"

Not really seeing where he was going with the question, Penelope replied slowly. "I can think of a few times."

"I was just home from Chicago, during Christmas break. Emily was in DC with her mom."

That particular night had stuck in Penelope's memory. Derek had just come home from Chicago, where he'd been for a week visiting his family, and called her at three in the morning to ask if he could sleep over. She had, of course, said yes, but was surprised when she opened her door to see that he looked like he hadn't slept in a month. She hadn't been able to coax him into telling her what was wrong, but when he asked if she minded sharing her bed, she had still agreed. The entire night had been strange and unsettling, and even though all Derek had seemed to require was friendly company, it was the worst she had ever seen him at. His current behaviour was echoing eerily of that night.

"I had ran into some people I hadn't seen in years, and I told you then that a lot of... issues were brought up on that trip back home." He swallowed convulsively. "I know that I don't talk about it, ever, but I've got a _lot_ of baggage, baby girl. That's the main reason why I can't handle a serious relationship. Most people aren't bothered to deal with my issues, and I don't blame them. I wouldn't dream of dumping all my crap on someone I actually cared about."

He fell silent, staring broodingly out on to the horizon.

Penelope's brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of Derek's explanation. "Chocolate god, where are you going with this?"

He began to drum the fingers of his right hand against his knee, still glaring at the ocean as if it had personally offended him. "You remember how I took Spencer home because he was so drunk?" The question was rhetorical, but Penelope nodded anyway while he continued. "Once I got him back he was so drunk he couldn't even stand on his own, and out of the blue he kissed me."

Penelope remained silent, waiting for Derek to continue. "And?" She prompted.

"I left." He subconsciously omitted the part about kissing Spencer back. "I've never even thought about him like that, but I care about the kid, and I don't want to hurt him or lose him as a friend. He has his own shit to deal with; he has no idea what he'd be getting himself into with me."

Penelope forced her face to remain stoic, inwardly reeling at the implication of his words. She'd always suspected Spencer to be of fluid sexuality, but she hadn't seen it coming from her chocolate god. She considered the image of her two favourite boys in a relationship, and smiled from ear to ear. "Are you gay?" She asked gently, struggling to hide her grin.

"That's the worst part. I don't even know."

She nodded silently, turning back towards the water.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Penelope slid off of the bonnet and forced him to look her in the eye. "Don't overthink it; you'll only make yourself miserable. I can't tell you what to do in this situation, but I'll say this; do whatever makes you happy." She smiled gently, squeezed his knee and departed.

He heard her quiet footsteps grow fainter and fainter, until he was, once more, completely and utterly alone.

**A/N: When you click the little blue button, the universe smiles upon you and grants you karma points... ;)**


	14. Suffering These Feelings

**Suffering These Feelings**

**A/N: I'm really sorry about the long wait, guys. But on the upside, I've sat all my JC exams except for Music (which is next Thursday) and they were all unbelievably easy, even though I never got around to cramming. :D Thank you so much to everyone who has supported this story, it's actually heart-warming when I see how many people are on the alert/favourite list. It's not over yet, though, so I shall shut up and let you get on with the chapter. I really hope you like it, and leave me a review, please! ;)**

**Song Recommendation: "Heartbeat" by Elena Cohen. Words cannot describe how much I love this girl, her original songs are phenomenal. It confounds me that she isn't signed to a label, so for those who want to check that song out; /watch?v=69PiA9LDWmg**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds... *sobs***

"_**Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.**__**" – Author Unknown.**_

The first thing that registered in Spencer's mind as he slowly woke up was pain.

Aching in his back and neck from sleeping curled up in the corner of a tile floor.

Dry irritation in his eyes from having slept with his contact lenses in.

Throbbing in his head from the vast amounts of alcohol he'd so foolishly consumed the night before. His tongue felt like it had swollen to twice its usual size, and there was an acrid, disgusting taste in his mouth.

His mind worked at a sluggish, lethargic pace as he tried to recall as much as possible of the previous evening.

He unfurled from his foetal position, hearing and feeling his spine and knees crack stiffly as he straightened them.

Noting absently that he was still fully dressed, he shuffled to the bathroom in search of toothpaste and a toothbrush.

He watched his reflection's brow furrow as he struggled to piece together last night's events. Brushing methodically, he mentally walked through the entire evening from start to finish. He had had far too much to drink, and Derek had taken him back to their room at about 3AM. He had stumbled through the door, only supported by Derek physically holding him up, and then... Feeling bile rise in his throat, he dropped the toothbrush and fell to the ground over the toilet, emptying his stomach's entire contents.

Slumping against the cool ceramic of the bowl, he reached out and pulled down on the toilet's flush lever. The sounds of water tumbling and colliding inside the cistern made him wince, aggravating his pounding headache.

The crushing weight of the previous night's events constricted his chest, adding to his misery.

He lay sprawled out on the pleasantly cool bathroom floor for nearly an hour, lacking the will to move, until the shrill ringing of his phone grated against his ears.

Groaning, he painstakingly rolled over and clumsily dug the phone out of his jeans pocket.

Squinting at the bright display, he saw that JJ was calling him.

"Hello?" He croaked out, barely audible.

"That sounds like a lovely hangover!" JJ's annoyingly perky voice echoed over the line.

"Not so loud!" He whispered.

"Aww, learn to take a joke!"

He couldn't muster the energy to do anything other than grunt.

JJ's tone changed to one of concern. "Spence, are you sure you're alright?"

"No. Everything hurts." He whimpered, his foggy mind failing to think of a decent deflection for the question.

"Oh, you poor thing!" JJ mercifully lowered her voice to a whisper. "Why isn't Derek taking care of you?"

The icy, crushing weight on his chest suddenly made it impossible to get enough air.

"Never mind," JJ attempted to smooth the moment over. "What's your room number?"

"Thirty four." His hoarse voice broke harshly.

"I'll be there in ten minutes, leave the door unlocked." The abrasive dial tone suddenly resonated from his phone's speaker. He groaned again and flung the phone through the bathroom door towards his bed.

When JJ arrived nearly twenty minutes later, he hadn't stirred from his silent post.

She entered quietly, gently calling his name as she came through the door.

"In here." He put as much volume behind his words as he could, but they still came out in a whisper.

Dropping to her knees beside him, JJ rubbed soothing circles on his back and stroked his hair back from his face. "I have water and aspirin for you." She gently guided him into a sitting position. Rooting through her voluminous beach bag, she produced a litre bottle of water and two small white pills. "If you drink the whole bottle of water, then I'll get you coffee."

Spencer nodded weakly and unscrewed the lid of the bottle. He rinsed his mouth and spat, attempting to dispel the taste of bile. He sipped at the water and swallowed the painkillers in silence.

When he had finished the bottle, JJ stood and offered him a hand. He allowed her to pull him to his feet, swaying unsteadily.

"If you shower and brush your teeth, I'll be back with the biggest coffee in town by the time you're dressed." She offered with a smile.

He nodded his assent and began to turn on the shower and procure a towel. Waiting until he was certain JJ had left and locked the door behind her, he stripped and stepped under the warm spray.

Nearly half an hour later, as he was pulling on his shoes, he heard the sound of a key sliding into a lock, and JJ appeared in the doorway. She was holding two huge Starbucks cardboard cups. She handed him one and sat down on his bed, the only available surface in the messy room.

He reluctantly joined her, hugging his knees to his chest as soon as he sat down. He drank his coffee slowly, more to have an excuse not to talk than anything else. Ignoring JJ's appraising eyes on him, he pulling at a loose thread on his shirt.

"Feeling any better?" He was grateful when she didn't attempt to address the elephant in the room right away.

He shrugged noncommittally, picking at the rim of his coffee cup. The throbbing in his head had dulled slightly, but the painkillers had made him clear headed enough to truly appreciate the icy weight crushing chest.

She nodded, and remained silent for a moment. "Spence, what happened last night? After you and Derek left the bonfire?" She spoke gently, but he couldn't help physically flinching at the question.

He swallowed and scrutinised the dregs of his coffee studiously. "I was... In a pretty bad way. I could barely stand and when we got back Derek had to physically support me from his truck to the door of our room. I'd had so much to drink that I wasn't thinking straight at all. On a whim, I grabbed Derek by the shirt and kissed him."

He heard JJ gasp softly, and focused intently on rotating the cup between his fingers.

"When he didn't respond, I thought I might have lost the best friend I've ever had. I prepared myself for the worst, but just before I pulled away he started to kiss me back. It was all going fine, until a few minutes later, he suddenly snapped out of it. He realised what had happened, and he looked so... _disgusted. _He didn't say a word, he just walked out."

"Oh, Spence..." JJ breathed.

"I don't blame him, though." Spencer's voice took on a harsh, bitter tone. "After all, who would want to be with the socially awkward, rambling genius when they have their pick of sexual partners? What interest could someone like Derek possibly have in his pathetic, scrawny, white _male_ friend, when the epitome of female beauty is more than willing to share his bed? I can't believe I deluded myself into thinking I actually had a chance."

The bitterness and self deprecation in his voice was physically painful to hear.

"Spencer, don't say that about yourself." She admonished.

"It's the truth, JJ; I accepted it a long time ago." His sardonic tone needled her heart.

She reached out and grasped his cold, clammy hand in hers. "None of that stuff is evenly remotely true. You are the kindest, sweetest, most supportive person I've ever known. And if my gaydar weren't so finely tuned I totally would have hit on you the night we met in the bar." She couldn't help but smile at his derisive snort. "I swear, it's true. When I first saw you I thought you were hot, but then after we got talking I realised you clearly weren't interested in me, or any other woman in that bar checking you out."

Spencer sighed and unfurled his long legs from his chest. "Derek made his choice perfectly clear. What do you expect me to do?"

"Answer me this; was the kiss good?"

"It was..." The ghost of a smile appeared on Spencer's sculpted mouth as he bit his bottom lip. "Searing."

"Then talk to him." She squeezed his hand firmly. "If it was as good as your face says it was; then it's definitely worth taking a chance on."

"You want me to talk to him just so I can get rejected verbally this time?" He blanched.

"Just think about it. Please." She fixed him with her most beseeching puppy dog eyes.

"Okay, I'll consider it." He conceded reluctantly. Maybe, just maybe, JJ was right and Derek had just needed some time to think. Maybe, just maybe, Derek Morgan, God's gift to women, secretly had the hots for his scrawny, pasty male best friend. Maybe, just maybe, Spencer hadn't made the biggest mistake of his entire life by kissing him.

Maybe. But probably not.

**A/N: So... I have mixed feelings about this chapter; it wasn't what I originally planned to happen next. But I thought I should show Spencer's reaction. Please drop me a review and say what you thought, because I fear that exams have killed my ability to write. :(**

**The blue button calls to you...! ;)**


	15. The Only Thing That Maims Us Is Regret

**The Only Thing That Maims Us Is Regret**

**A/N: I was talking to my best friend the other day and I asked her what she was doing a Dalek pin badge, and if she even knew what the Daleks are from. She answered Star Wars. In a very superior and self assured manner, I might add. Talking to her is a great ego boost. ^.^**

**Disclaimer: It's good to be back... Did ye miss me? :D**

_"__**Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws". – Douglas Adams.**_

Spencer was roused by a loudly insistent knocking on the door of the room he'd once shared with Derek.

Dragging himself from the bed, he blearily made his way towards the door, stumbling over his scattered dirty laundry as he went.

He fumbled with the key in the lock, pulling the door open to squint at a very bright Penelope.

Before he could open his mouth to say anything, she pushed straight past into the room beyond.

"Of course, come in. It's not like you're barging in or anything." He spoke drily into the empty space before him, ladling sarcasm into his tone. He closed the door and turned around with a sigh, eager to get her to leave and go curl up in bed.

Penelope gave him an unimpressed look. "Don't give me that crap; I saved you from further wallowing in your own misery."

"'Wallowing' implies that I'm being self-indulgent. Do I look like I'm enjoying myself?" He tried hard not to be snarky with her, he really did. It wasn't his fault she was pissing him off.

"No." She reluctantly admitted. "Sit down; I want to talk to you."

Spencer sighed and moved lethargically towards the bed. This was one conversation he most definitely did not want to have. Although she always meant well, Penelope was generally completely insufferable during personal crises because she felt the need to fix people. It took all his willpower not to verbalise something along the lines of "off is the general direction in which I wish for you to fuck."

Sitting on the edge of Derek's empty bed, Penelope took his hand and spoke gently. "I know what happened between you and Derek, and I know you've been pretty upset ever since. Have you guys talked?"

"He doesn't want to talk to me."

"Are you sure? Have you even tried?"

"He took off out of here so fast that he forgot his phone. JJ told me he headed straight for her and Rachel's when he left, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that that means he's still sleeping with Rachel. As appealing as the idea of getting rejected in person is, I think I'll pass."

"Why are you so sure he'll reject you?" She pressed.

He fixed with a look that clearly stated he thought the reasons were painstakingly obvious. "I'm not even going to answer that."

"I found Derek alone on the beach at nearly four in the morning after he walked out of here. He was doing some serious thinking and was majorly confused about what had happened with you guys. Do you really think that he would have been so bothered by the kiss if it meant nothing to him?"

Spencer remained silent, unable to fault her logic.

"Go over there, and talk to him. You're only torturing yourself by putting it off." She looked him in the eyes and said her gentlest, most beseeching tone, "Sweetie, trust me when I say that wondering what might have been will hurt you far worse than anything my Chocolate God could ever say."

Spencer gave a reluctant smile. "I hate to admit it, but that's really good advice."

"I know." Penelope grinned vivaciously. "I really have to go; things to do, people to see, all that jazz, but promise me you'll talk to him."

"You already knew I'd promise, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Where are you going?" His brow knitted in confusion at her cryptic statement.

"I'm going home, Boy Wonder. I've got some stuff I need to sort out and Emily lent me her car."

He'd be sad to see her go, but the hopeful smile on her face was the happiest he'd seen her in a long while. Standing up, he allowed her to pull him into a bone crushing hug. Pulling back, he gave the first genuine smile since he'd kissed Derek.

...

Penelope waved goodbye to Spencer, outlined in the doorway against the cold pre-dawn grey fog. Sliding into the driver's seat of Emily's compact jeep, she leaned her forehead against the steering wheel and sighed. She desperately hoped Spencer's newfound courage wouldn't desert him in the light of day. It was obvious to anyone looking at him and Derek that they had the potential to have a beautiful relationship if they only realised it themselves.

It had been an... eventful night, to say the least. Her pulse was racing with all the excitement and trepidation that preceded something terrifying and titillating. She pulled out of the car park and set off in the direction from whence she had came only a week previously. What had initially started out as a mission to get pissed with Kevin had invariably led to a lot of flirting on both sides and Kevin coming onto her. She had even encouraged him, ignoring how wrong it felt to let somebody else kiss her after everything that happened between her and Aaron. Going along with it, she had taken Kevin up on his suggestion of going someplace more private with their late night activities. Several lacklustre kisses and a lot less clothing later, she had realised exactly what she was doing and with whom, crashing back to reality with a jolt.

Apologising and explaining repeatedly that _"I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't."_ She had hurriedly dressed and left the whole awkward scene, thanking Kevin for being such a gentleman about her hasty departure and apologising again. She'd jogged all the way back to her shared temporary residence with Emily without stopping, only staying there long enough to inform Emily of the events of the past few hours and ask to borrow her jeep.

She had been filled with a sense of purpose on the way to Spencer's, unwilling to let him miss his chance at something as amazing as what was passing him by. Whether he wanted to hear it or not, she would convince him to go and seize his chance with Derek by whatever means necessary. The evening had forced her to ackowledge how rare it was to find someone who made your whole face light up just by walking into the room, and how important it was to hold onto them. Like with her and Aaron. More importantly, like with Derek and Spencer. The feeling of almost being intimate with someone else after her year of falling in love and being with Aaron had made her realise exactly how stupid it was to squander something as pure and precious as what they'd had over a small obstacle. If she had to transfer to a different university, so be it. At least then she could be honest with her friends about who had kept her at home every weekend for so long.

She was painfully aware that her gallant plea for Aaron to disregard his inhibitions could fall on deaf ears and humiliate her, but she had resolved that anything worth crying over was worth fighting for.

As she settled in for the long drive all the way back to California, she hoped and prayed that somewhere in his clueless genius mind, Spencer had taken her advice on board.

...

Several hours later, Spencer found himself showering for the first time in several days, trying desperately hard not to think about anything, and most certainly not _that. _He went through all the motions of brushing his teeth and getting dressed, his fingers fumbling as he tried to tie his shoelaces, made clumsy by their constant trembling. He ran his shaking hand through his hair as he checked his appearance in the cracked mirror one last time before he left.

Ambling along toward the room JJ and Rachel were renting on the other side of town where Derek was trying to hide from him, Spencer was torn between wanting the walk there to be over instantaneously and simultaneously last forever. His thoughts and worries threatened to run amok if he lifted the iron clamp he suppressed them under, so he did his very best to keep his mind completely blank and devoid of all thought. The problem with that was that time moved tediously slowly when he had to actively force his brain to shut up.

And yet all too soon, he found himself within sight of his destination. Quashing the panic that threatened to rise up inside him and stifle all rational thought, Spencer forced himself to take deep, slow breaths and approach the building at a measured pace. Ascending the steps, he ran a nervous hand through his hair yet again. Forcing himself to calm down, he closed his eyes, raised his fist and knocked.

**A/N: So, a review left by one **_**ValeHeart**_** raised a few issues with the fic that I thought were valid and deserved to be addressed publicly. Numero uno; Apparently, JJ came across as a "hater" when she told Spencer on the beach that it wasn't always easy being friends with someone (Rachel) who is good at everything (chapter 12). That was not my intention at all. I based Rachel on a girl I know, and I have been in JJ's exact position. No, she is not a hater, but being the less exceptional friend in the background who rarely gets noticed, you eventually get kind of jealous. And also; Reid is freakishly perfect, himself. Even I agree with this one. Looking back, I now realise that I made him a musician and model when he is actually the biggest introvert that ever lived. That was overtly flamboyant, and I didn't really have any reason for doing it other than that it tickled my fancy. I didn't spot this because I've always been surrounded by friends and family that were ridiculously talented and the best at what they do; be they musicians, athletes, artsy people in general or any combination thereof. So, to anyone else who spotted my oversight, sorry and just try to roll with it. :P But even with that in mind, I only write fanfiction for fun, it's a hobby that I just so happen to enjoy, so plausibility isn't really something that I take into account. :)**

**So, on that long winded note (sorry), I shall bid you adieu, assuming that you managed to get this far. :P**

**The review box is calling your name in a hypnotic voice... "Click me!" ;)**


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Criminal Minds, Friendship, Romance