Ninja Turtles EXTREME Lair Makeover

**_DISCLAIMER_**_: I do not own the TMNT"s or any show remotely similar to Extreme Lair Makeover. I do own the Designers as named though but in no way akin them to anything real or imagined. Neither do I own Suri's impulses, but I may exploit them just a tad for effect. Please don't tell Raph, okay? He'll find out soon enough. Thanks._

_A/N – I have re-tooled this story from the original to fit within Fan Fiction parameters according to what they will allow. This is no longer a reader participation fic. I've done some re-phrasing, added a bit more here and there, but basically this story remains as it was – unfinished. I'm hoping to add to it, of course, but I have one story closing in on that wonderful tag line, The End. When that's done, then I can focus on other projects, such as this one. R&R if you want to. Thanks! :0)_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------:

CHAPTER 1 – The Video Application from Hell.

"Hi there and welcome to **Extreme Home Makeover**. This is **Sye Remmington** and we are on our way to our next home remodeling project. Our surprise recipients don't have a **clue** that we're coming, but **you** can **bet**, their **biggest** surprise will be when they see what **we** do to **their** house! However, I have to say that this location is probably our **most** unusual.

"First, though, I want to introduce you to our crew of designers who faithfully arrive each week to design their little hearts out. First up is, Nan Chuck, our Impetuous Design Queen." The camera pans to a young brunette woman whose smile nearly swallows up her face. Sye continues, "Next in line is Bo Staffer, our environmentally friendly landscaper." The camera shows a forty-ish man, somewhat thin at the hairline and wearing a stylishly torn t-shirt. Bo grins and wiggles his eyebrows and then does a 'thumbs up' gesture with his right thumb. The camera switches over to a blonde with frizzy hair and freckles all over her grinning face as Sye introduces her, "Hey, can't forget our lovely Kat Anna, another one of our amazing Design Queens." Finally, Sye introduces the last member of the team, "Yet, last but certainly not least, we have Mr. Suri Ken, a wizard of wondrous whimsy for any home!" The camera shows Suri blowing kisses to the camera as he runs his fingers seductively through his long black hair.

As Sye pops the tape into the VCR, "Now for the application video tape. As our designers and you, the audience, view the tape keep in mind that these people are living in probably the grossest part of New York, a place where the sun don't shine, a place…" Sye is suddenly interrupted by one of the gals, who is off mic. Sye responds, _"_No, it's not there, Nan. This is a **clean** show, so …yeah, just cork it, okay." Sye faces the camera once again with his usual upbeat perky self, "Anyway…where was I? Oh, yeah…..where the sun don't shine and neither does the green grass grows. So, I **don't** think we're going to need our landscape artist for this one….." Now someone starts to cry. Exasperated, Sye shakes his head and asks, "Ah, who is it that's crying? …Oh, gosh...I'm so sorry, Bo. Well, maybe we can do something that doesn't need sunlight to grow – like, ah, mushrooms or something. But, hey, let's talk about it later, okay? **We** need to view this tape…"

Sye forces his perkiness into the camera once again…"Anyway, where was I? Oh, right…here is our wonderfully deserving family. It's a – well – a rather strange group, if I do say so myself. Personally, I don't think we've **ever** had candidates interview in Halloween costumes before, but from what the maker of this video said, they prefer it that way. They're very shy and supposedly work for the government, which makes it necessary for them to hide their identities. So….without any further ado, **here they are!**"

The video shows an opening montage of various parts of the home. The home seems to be constructed out of concrete without any windows and looks like something found in a sewer. As the video gives a brief look, it shows snippets of each family member who is either fixing something, reading a magazine, exercising, or contemplating lofty thoughts. They're 'dressed' in turtle 'costumes' and appear to be keeping the 'shell' part of their 'costume' facing the camera. The camera, pulls away and swings around in what now looks like the main living area of the home. Now the face of the camera holder is clearly defined for the viewers. Some of the designers "Ew' and "Oh" as they take a gander at the obvious humanoid turtle. His face fills the television screen and it's plain to see that he's wearing an orange mask. He gives a thumbs up and smiles big with his toothy grin quite plain to see.

Then, he introduces himself, "Hi, I'm Mike Hamato and I'm one of five in my family. As you can see, much of what we call home is dank, dark, and – well - often wet. Of course, the smell is probably something we won't be able to get rid of, but if we could just splash a little paint here and there or throw a rug on a floor or two, maybe a couch from a real second hand store, we'd be thrilled to death!!"

The television camera pans over to the designers where some of the members begin to wipe tears from their eyes as they watch the tape. They smile at each other and hug, knowing they have found a worthy family. Then, the television shows the home once again.

As camera bobs and weaves along, the viewing public and designers are suddenly whisked into a hallway. A green hand reaches from around the camera and pushes open a door. A person in a fur coat and who is drinking from a chipped tea cup, looks up sharply at the camera as it 'floats' into the room.

"This here is my sens…ah…_father_, he's a rat, but a good one and we really love him a lot!" Mike exclaims cheerfully.

The rat…ah…father turns away from the camera, muttering, "Give a fool a tool and what does he do? He harasses a poor old rat to death….Go away, Michelangelo!" The rat turns and walks off camera behind a Japanese floor screen and begins to hum a mantra.

"Well," Mike explains happily, "it seems 'Dad' wants a little private time, so we best be moving along and on to the next wonderful member of my wonderful family." As the camera dances and jiggles out of the room, its operator comments, "Father's sense of humor takes some getting used to; but he's a real sweetheart, taught us everything we know, even home-schooled us without a break. Since we don't have a mom, Dad's had to be Mr. Mom to us. We love him a lot!" Outside the camera's view but clearly audible, someone could be heard, "Oi!" Mike laughed a little, "Dad likes Yiddish phrases, too!" Then, the camera bobs down the hallway and into yet another room, with its handler declaring, "And here is my oldest brother, Leonardo!"

Another humanoid turtle, but wearing a blue mask, is going through a series of arm and leg movements at lightening fast speed, "He's so obsessed with his katas yet he doesn't have a decent place to really do them." Mike went on to say. Then, "You should see him move when he has lots of room, though…it's incred…."

The camera suddenly jerks to the left as the commentator is rudely interrupted. It then lurches to one side as his brother shoves Mike Hamato out of the room, "Go bother someone else, Mike. Do something productive for a change. Go…. just - go!" The baritone voice obviously belongs to Leonardo, since Mike's tenor chords make him too obvious.

"Yeah, as you can tell, Leo takes himself WAAAAYYY too seriously! Hee hee!" Mike giggles and then adds, "We call him our 'fearless leader' because he's my big brother, the oldest in the cla…family."

A shot of the designing crew shows them laughing in amusement.

The sound of a door slamming comes from the video, but such things do not hinder the camera operator. He seems to be dancing as he jiggles his equipment along the corridor, appearing as if it was floating on air and on into another room.

There, lying on a plain mattress without a box spring or bed frame lay another family member. He has a Hustler magazine spread open on his face with the sound of snoring coming from beneath. The camera then pans around the room. Now, the viewer sees piles of magazines on top of a couple of old beaten up desks with old banana peelings and half-eaten apples strewn about. Empty beer cans litter the floor while posters on the moist concrete walls show a few bare-naked ladies. Suddenly, the camera whips away before any 'details' can be seen. However, the Home Makeover cameral shows Bo's eyes bugging out with a wide grin forming on his face. Suri's is seen in the same shot, but seems completely unaffected with it as he chews his nails in boredom. Just then, the next scene on the video perks him up big time. He's practically drooling now, forgetting his nails and staring slack jawed at the monitor.

The camera is settling back onto the one lying in the bed. Mike's voice perks up the video, "Here is another of my older brothers and his name is Raphael. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I'm the baby in the family. It seems that everyone is older than me and I get pushed around a lot because of it, too!!" He dramatically sniffs. "But, I love them SO much that I'm doing this video just for them!" More dramatic sniffing.

Suri Ken wipes several tears from his face, "Gosh, the one on the bed's kind of cute!" He sniffs again, commenting, "Must work out big time; look at the muscles on those arms!"

Michelangelo makes an amazing recovery from his crying and cheerfully introduces his brother, "Anyhooo, my bro, Raphael, he's into – ah – **artsy** magazines. That's what he calls 'em, anyway. He's not too neat, but he's always there for ya when you need a hand! He'd give his own shel – er – shirt off his back if you needed it!" The camera then pans in to show a now bare faced, red masked turtle with a menacing glare in his eyes.

"Or a fist, you moron!" Raphael sneers and then he leaps off the bed and pushes his face full into the view of the camera. The camera shows him around towards its operator and out of sight. As it gets jostled around, the view finder is suddenly switched to 'zoom'. It closes in on Raphael's bed faster than a speeding, out of control roller coaster.

The viewing designers flinch with the sudden close-up. However, an appreciative 'ooh' and 'awe' can be heard from Bo when the **'artsy'** magazine is shown fully opened on the bed.

The camera then lurches again but this time the Design Team and audience can hear the operator complain, "Ow, Raph, stop slugging me, this is serious stuff here I'm doing!!"

A deep bass voice gruffly replies, "Well, my z's are serious stuff, too, an' I don't preciate you stickin' that stupid camera – why'd Donnie even fix that thing? Anyways, jus' get it outta my room, 'kay? Take yer self with it while yer at it, too."

The camera lurches and jiggles again as it and its holder are pushed out of Raphael's room. The door suddenly slams shut with a loud 'bang'. Mike giggles from behind the video camera and then heads off further down the hallway once more.

He continues his monolog, pointing the camera towards his face once again, "Well, we have one more brother to go and he's the brain of our little group. In fact, if it weren't for Donnie finding and then fixing this camera, I wouldn't be able to even make this video. Without Donnie, we wouldn't even have electricity or plumbing, or toilets, or even a stove to cook on! He found everything either at the junkyard or in a dumpster and made it **all** work! He's really something."

More designers are crying, now. Each as their own tissue box and are stuffing fistfuls of if the stuff into their face as they sob uncontrollably. Lots of snorting and sniffling can be heard as they view the remaining feed on the video. Suri keeps commenting, "That red one seems quite feisty. I bet I could calm him down!"

"Heeeeeerrreee's Donnie!" Mike Hamato cheered. The camera was now pointing inside yet another room. However, this one was filled and littered with every conceivable wire, electronic component, dudedad, thingamajig, and whathaveyou imagineable. Hunched over a desk with a small lamp lighting his work space, a lone shell-backed figure tools feverishly on a microwave oven.

"My brother, Donnie, is a **genius** and the incredible thing is - he's **_never_** gone to school! He couldn't because….well…" and Mike's voice gets really soft and secretive, "We all work undercover for the _government_, which is why we're living where we are and can't have our real identities made known!"

The one working on the oven turns towards the camera, rolls his eyes, and then shakes his head. He goes back to what he was doing, grumbling, "I've created a monster, I really have!" He grunts as he finally releases the back of the microwave, "Mikey, the next time you want to see fireworks in March, don't use the microwave, okay?"

"Hey, how'd I know heating up a can of soup would do that? It said it was microwavable!" Mike protested.

"The **soup** is microwaveable, Mike, not the can. The can's aluminum. Aluminum sparks in a mircrowave! You could have **burned** the lair down!"

The viewing designers nearly bust a gut laughing, but then go all serious with the camera operator's next comment.

Mike's gives out a nervous laugh, "Yeah, it's so bad here that we've nicknamed our home the _lair_! Too funny, eh? But, it can't burn down 'cuz ….cuz…Donnie, why is it the lair can't burn down?"

Shaking his head, "Because it's made of _solid concrete_, Mike. Now, quit playing around and put the camera down. Your imagination is starting to fry your brain!" Donnie goes back to the microwave, mumbling a few words under his breath.

More laughing comes from the Design Team.

Clearing his throat, the camera operator comments sadly, "Yes, concrete, our lair -er – _home_ is made from concrete! It's so sad that we can't even live in a regular brownstone." He then backs out of Donnie's bedroom and head back down the hallway to the living room, pointing the camera at his own face once again, "So, as you can see, we're a somewhat happy family and we do very important things for the government and the city, but as you can also see we're just a little needy. Not much needy, just a little needy. I mean, a little paint, a not-too-beat-up couch would be nice, a plasma screen t.v. maybe, an 8 burner stove, possibly a side by side bottom freezer refrigerator, an air hockey game table, even a fully stocked beer bar and dojo – not in the same room, though, 'kay? Booze and katas don't mix…just ask Leo. Not a pretty site." He shakes his head with a horrifying expression on his face, but then perks up again and ends the video, "We don't need much, as you can tell, and we're fine with being sent to Disney World if it comes right down to that, too."

Grinning bigger than ever before, Mike adds for good measure, "We're easy to please, we really are!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Will the Design team transform the Lair into the Hamato Family's dream home? Will they be able to do it in seven days? Will they survive Raphael? Will Raphael survive Suri? Only the next subsequent chapters will tell! So, stay tuned and don't change that channel!_


End file.

Ninja Turtles, Humor, Parody