Slayers 1. The Coin is Tossed

There are two sides to every coin (unless it is the fabled "One-Sided Coin of Great Magic" found and sold by one Lina Inverse under…suspicious circumstances, a heavy hooded cloak and hunchback were involved).

Filia Ul Colpt was many things: patient, understanding, loving, kind and gentle. Alas, she was also judgmental, violent and, at times, hysterical.

Xelloss was evil, manipulative, cruel and powerful. Much to the dismay of his creator he was also: loyal (granted mostly only to his mistress), helpful (when it benefited him) and attractive (Cause Zelas liked pretty boy versions of her friend Luna).

These two opposing forces often found themselves in battle. Sometimes as allies, but mostly as adversaries. Much to the frustration of Filia the coin the fates flipped often came out in favor of her annoying enemy. She found their fights to be the only source in which she could take out her anger, Xelloss found them to be a delicious snack. In a prudential light it was a good match. At least, it was until Filia became aware that even in the most twisted way her meetings with the mazoku were actually _productive_.

The day of the epiphany started as any other for the female dragon, she opened her shop, dusted the vases and sharpened the maces and then set a kettle of water for to tea to boil. Happy and content despite the fact that three of her porcelain wares were cracked and two of her maces had somehow developed spots of rust… okay so maybe she wasn't completely happy and content but she would face the day with a sparkling smile and bubbly outlook. Then a shadow descended dulling her sparkle and popping her bubbles.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk Filia, sitting down to tea on the job are we." The nasally intrusion was not at all welcome. "Such a lazy gold dragon you are."

Hand already stationed at the ready near her garter belt mace holster, Filia turned. "Go away, filthy monster."

"Is that how you welcome all your customers?" The handsome man at her door rose a hand to his chest and tried his best to look wounded, and would have succeeded had not his insufferable smirk stayed firmly in place.

"I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone and you are most definitely refused." Filia snapped.

"Such a rude dragon. Didn't anyone teach you manners? No, I don't suppose any of your race would know how." Xellos sneered his eyes opening enough to be gleaming slits of malice.

"Don't you dare speak against my kind monster!" The mace was free and swinging before Filia was fully aware of what she was doing, not that she minded. Maybe this time she would actually make contact. Mere centimeters from its target the mace found itself impacting only air, throwing its wielder off balance and into a shelf of previously unblemished merchandise. The dragon recovered herself and stared down at the destruction, fully furious now. "Look what you did!"

"I did? You're the one waving that thing around in a vase shop, not me." Xelloss jibed from above her. Filia looked up and snarled. "So temperamental." The mazoku sighed tiredly. "Maybe you would calm down if I told you that Amelia sent me."

"Really?" Filia let her mace drop and touched a finger to her lip, looking curious. Xelloss frowned because well, it was an unfairly cute gesture and when had he become to comfortable with the spitfire dragon to think of her as cute at any point in time? Zelas would not be pleased. No more of that nonsense he needed a dragon he knew how to deal with.

"No, not really. But it did calm you down." He snickered.

"Why…you…argh!" And the mace was sent flying once again. Xellos phased out and watched the blonde stumble a few steps before returning to her plane of existence.

"So articulate." He bit out sarcastically. "But what should I expect from a stupid dragon." he watched as a raging inferno burst from her petite frame before smiling wickedly finally reaching his fill for the next couple of days. "Well, I have business to attend to, toodles." He disappeared before the woman could open her mouth to retaliate.

Filia stood dumbstruck for a long moment before lifting her mace and shaking it at the empty shop ceiling. "Then why did you come at all!"

"Um… did I come at a bad time?" Filia turned in surprise at the sound of the voice behind her to see a worried customer backing slowly through the open door.

Filia smiled and realized that the action didn't take as much effort as before her unwanted visitor's arrival. She froze mid reassurance that everything was fine and stared out the window in horror, she was actually relieved _Xelloss_ had come. And with that realization came the equally unwelcome thought that she wouldn't mind him coming again in a few days…

"I'm sorry, I think I may be ill, the shop is closing."

Looking thoroughly perturbed by the strange woman who yelled at air and stared blankly out windows the customer fled like a nine tailed chipmunk (the most feared of the rodent family) was at her heels. Filia watched the young woman go before shutting the door and putting up the "Closed" sign. Her kettle screamed to be taken off of the fire but the priestess could muster only enough energy to fall onto a chair and stare at the shattered pieces of ceramic on the floor. She couldn't even dredge up the normal feelings of anger that Xelloss brought forth, they had all been drained by their encounter which could mean only one thing.

"I need to see a doctor."


	2. A Monster Appears

A/N: Do not own Slayers. Warning: Swearing.

"Hello, Miss Ul Colpt, why is it that you have come to see me?" Filia stared distrustfully at the man opposite her. He couldn't be a doctor, doctor's were old, had beards and a hump in their backs. She knew this because Lina had loaned her a book called _Humans and the Roles They Fit, _so far it hadn't been too far from the truth. This man was handsome with an attractive smile, green eyes, and a thick head of auburn hair. His name was Doctor Montgomery Hoozitwatsit.

"Well, Dr. Hoozitwatsit…"

"Please, call me Monty."

"Yes, well, Dr. Monty. I believe I must have suffered recent head trauma." His eyebrows lifted in obvious surprise at her declaration.

"Your reason for thinking this is… what exactly?"

"I have been having lapses in reasoning and find myself able to tolerate," her mouth twisted at the word, "my mortal enemy."

"You think you have a mortal enemy?" He made a note in a book he held.

"I do have one." Filia felt her eyebrow begin to twitch in irritation. This doctor was beginning to piss her off.

"Uh-huh, and this enemy is?"

"Xelloss, Zelas the Beastmaster's General-Priest." Filia said primly.

Dr. Hoozitwatsit stared at her blankly. Filia however wasn't even paying attention to him. She had a bad feeling, like something she wanted to avoid was coming…

"Tsk-tsk-tsk. Filia, a doctor can't fix a stupid golden dragon." The voice had her spine straight and eyes narrowed within moments.

"Don't you know about patient-doctor confidentiality, Xelloss?" Somehow she managed to maintain a civil tone. Oh no, it was worse than she thought. Horror swept through her to the point that she was only dimly aware that Xelloss was giving her a confused look.

Dr. Monty looked like he had swallowed something bitter which gave her some satisfaction, he deserved it, treating her like she was crazy. Still, this wasn't going to fix anything, maybe what was wrong with her had something to do with Xelloss himself. She turned a glare to the filthy monster, wishing he would combust and take whatever thought controlling device he had with him to whatever afterlife monsters have to look forward to, bastard.

"Are you actually sick, little dragon?" Xelloss' mocking voice trilled from an inch in front of her face.

"Get out of my personal space, trash." she growled, the fury that had been lying in wait burst forth. But she was aware that she was as angry at herself as she was at him because a tiny little voice in her head, that sounded eerily like Lina, had been excited at his proximity.

"I come bearing a message from Val." He lifted an arm and struck and grandiose pose. Filia raised an eyebrow and waited. "he says, 'Momma, come home Gilas and (forgot) are fighting over who is going to cook me lunch and its been an hour and I'm hungry.'" Filia felt like punching the monster, not because of what Val had said but the way he was no doubt imitation her son's expressions while he was saying it. Seeing a pathetic pout on the face of her adversary was disconcerting.

"I'm on my way." Filia stood and turned to the doctor. "I am sorry to have wasted your time, I don't think you can help me." She grabbed her bag, unsheathed her mace and swung it leisurly at Xelloss, who of course dodged. "One of these days you should take it like a man… ah, that's right, you can't because all you are is a filthy monster." Filia bit out snidely. The fact that Xelloss hadn't retaliated by the time she was at the door made her almost turn back but she decided that he was waiting for it and proceeded onto the street.

Xelloss was shocked. Filia had gotten angry and he had gotten fed on that and her initial horror but her parting jibe was so…not Filia. She usually would randomly swing her mace around trying vainly to kill him. This time he was certain she hadn't even been trying to get him. He turned his eyes to the pale doctor on his cushioned chair.

"You really thought she was crazy?" He could barely contain his mirth. "Oh, she is certainly not normal but neither is she insane." He would deny it to the ends of time if someone accused him of watching the priestess from the astral plane after finding out that she was going to the doctor. never mind that her reason for going had seemed to be him and that was going into his arsenal for future use.

The doctor made a small whimpering sound. Xelloss grinned at him, his terror was so refreshing. Filia's fury was a delectable meal but no matter how unwise it was the dragoness did not fear him. It was one of the reasons he found her so intriguing. Rolling his eyes at the pathetic little male he phased out, he had better things to do the listen to a grown man cry.

Montgomery collected himself soon after the monster was gone and leaned back in his chair. If the woman in here could get away with such words towards one of the most powerful being alive then she must be a force to reckoned with. A grin came upon his features. So what if the monster had called her a dragon, he wasn't too picky; she still met the criteria of being beautiful and powerful. She also had an air of innocence, meaning in the end she would be entirely easy to manipulate. Now he had to find out who the people the demon had mentioned were, if they were competition he would be forced to subtly eliminate them.

A grin twisted his features and Doctor Montgomery Hoozitwatsit, dark mage of the second caliber. The bastards on the committee kept saying he just wasn't evil enough for first, what did he have a claim to? A few epidemics the late Rezzo the Red Priest had come and abolished. They would be singing a different tune when he had a dragon under his command. Maybe then they would spell his last name right. His name was not Floozytwatbit. Ass holes.


	3. Enter Some Heroes

Monty stared at the sign hanging innocently from the doorway of a shop just outside town. According to the bespelled map he had bought from the Mapsquest store using the beguiling Filia's address, kindly provided on her medical forms, this was her home. But who opened a Vase and Mace shop? Filia apparently.

"I will feed Master Val today, Gravos!"

"It will be my honor Gilas!"

"I think not!" A small explosion from inside the shop, punctuated by a thin stream of smoke filtering from the door's edges. A moment later a series of crashes shattered the brief silence.

"Stop! Both of you outside! I will feed Val!" Monty smiled thinly, his prey was home.

"Of course, mistress!" The two previously arguing voices shrilled. The next thing Monty knew two beings were plowing into him from the flung open door. He blinked up at the lizard man and fox creature who stared down at him.

"A customer!" The fox man shouted gleefully. "S'ry mista. Dinna mean to knock ye ova." They both scrambled off him, managing to dig an elbow in his lip, a knee in his stomach and a fist in his side. Once on their feet they pulled him to his far more gently than they had gotten off him.

"Did I hear customer?" Filia stood at the door, her expression darkened minutely when she saw him however. Still, she managed a beaming smile. "Dr. Monty what brings you here?"

Monty straightened his clothes and smiled charmingly. "I simply find myself in need of a mace and consequently a vase and found this delightful shop in the town directory. I had no idea you worked here." Not even a lie.

"I own this shop." she said primly.

Montgomery didn't notice her slightly offended air however, his eyes were now glued to the young boy that was looking at him around Filia's skirts. She noticed the direction of his gaze and followed it. The beautiful smile that lit her face told him exactly what he didn't want to hear.

"This is my son, Val."

Val stared up at the human man distrustfully. Something about him told his young heart that this guy couldn't be trusted. Besides he kept looking at mom like she was a very special prize.

"Val, this is Dr. Montgomery Hoozitwatsit."

"Nice to meet you Mr. Sleezyspitgit." Val said cheerfully, deciding that for now he would play the innocent card. Xelloss had told him that it could get him far if used properly.

"It's Hoozitwatsit. Nice to meet you Val, call me Monty." Sleezyspitgit looked angry at Val's mispronunciation, insuring that at least in his thoughts and amongst friends the real name would never be used.

"Sorry, Mister Mounty."

"Monty." "Monkey?"

"Monty!"

"Val, stop teasing Dr. Monty." Filia interrupted at last, frowning in gentle reprimand. "Sir, come in and I will help you find the mace and vase for you."

Monkey Sleezyspitgit followed Val's mom into the shop, sparing a furious glare at the boy as he passed. Val stuck out his tongue and went outside to discuss things with Gilas and Gravos. That man wanted something from Filia and it was there job to thwart him.

Filia blushed for what had to be the fourth time since she brought Dr. Monty into the shop. She couldn't think of what had made her so angry with him before. He was actually very charming and it had been a very long time since anyone had paid her any compliments. Still, she could not be completely comfortable with his attentions, something was wrong… and what would Xelloss think?

Filia's spine straightened and she stared at the handsome doctor blankly while her mind reeled. Xelloss wouldn't think anything of her flirting with a man because he was a filthy monster and she was nothing but a meal.

"So, Filia, I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner?" Monty asked with a beaming smile, obviously missing her change in demeanor.

"I would love to." Filia agree easily.

"Great! How about tomorrow night at The Swampy Goose?"

Filia started at him in shock, the Swampy Goose? But that was the most elegant restaurant in town! "T-that would be wonderful." "I'll see you tomorrow then, Filia, at 8?" She could only nod, with another beaming smile he strode out of the store.

Filia did not even notice that he hadn't bought anything and showed nothing but cold disdain for her wares.

Xelloss, who had watched from the astral plane did and it made him frown. What was Floozytwatzit after?

_**Meanwhile in the Temple of Magical Things…**_

Zelgadis stared forlornly at the book in his hands. He understood just enough of the dragon language to decipher that the tome was about Chimeras and cures but couldn't understand anything beyond that.

"Don't be sad Mr. Zelgadis!" Amelia's chipper voice broke him from his melancholy. He looked up at her, his expression stating clearly that he could see no reason for cheer.

Amelia smiled up at him warmly. "Zelgadis, we know a dragon that could translate for us." When the chimera frowned in confusion she giggled. "Miss Filia of course!"

"Of course! this is great Amelia, we might have found my cure!" He twirled the girl around, not seeing her blush, too lost in the hope that he may be fixed of this unwanted condition. And, if it worked out he could finally tell the ascertain his feelings for the princess smiling in his arms.

Amelia watched Zelgadis' happy face, feeling her heart warm painfully. Two months ago she had found him in despair in some dark corner of her castle's library going through books that didn't even mention chimeras. She of course had immediately offered to help and found a book that detailed a collection of treasures horded by one of the dragon temples of old. It had even had a map. So, they set out together to pursue the extremely weak lead and here they were… now all hey had to was travel to the village where Filia resided.

Which meant another few months in the company of the man she loved, even if the feeling wasn't reciprocated.


End file.

Slayers, Humor, Romance