Slayers 1. Zel sets out on a quest

Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine. I'm just borrowing them. Don't worry, I'll return them when I'm done. ^_^  
  
"Not so long ago, in a galaxy only a short distance away, there was a very pessimistic prince named Zelgadis."  
  
There was a strange whistling followed by a rather loud 'thunk' as Zelgadis Graywords fell from the sky and landed flat on his face. He stood up and looked around him, then started screaming as he realized where he was.  
  
"Prince Zelgadis ruled over a beautiful kingdom." continued the disembodied voice.  
  
There were several more loud noises as cardboard scenery began to fall around Zel.  
  
".Full of happy subjects who loved him very much."  
  
Several cardboard people crashed to earth.  
  
"But the prince had an evil twin named Gourry."  
  
Down came Gourry.  
  
".And Prince Gourry wanted to be king more than anything else."  
  
"I do?"  
  
"Yes, you do."  
  
"Oh, okay then."  
  
"One day, the queen."  
  
Enter Lina.  
  
"OW!"  
  
".Decided to hold a contest to decide which of the princes would become the next king."  
  
"Finally! A role fitting of my beauty!! Soooo?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't I get a handsome king?"  
  
"Fine, fine, you can have a king."  
  
Lina looked around expectantly with gleaming eyes as a figure came plummeting down from the sky. Her jaw literally dropped as she realized that it was Prince Philoniel who was lying comatose on the ground.  
  
"At least Amelia and Xellos aren't here."  
  
"Thanks for reminding me! I almost forgot about them."  
  
Down came Amelia and Xellos.  
  
"Why did I have to open my big mouth?" muttered Lina under her breath.  
  
"Why is Mister Zelgadis screaming? And why is daddy lying on the ground? This isn't another fanfiction, is it?" asked Amelia, rubbing her head.  
  
"I don't know, I don't care, I'm leaving." This remark came from Lina, who was standing next to a cardboard tree and looking for something. "There has to be a way out of here! A hidden panel, a secret door, something!"  
  
Xellos glanced about knowingly (w/out opening his eyes, of course ^_^) before smirking at the sorceress. "'Fraid not, Lina-chan."  
  
"And I suppose you're not going to tell us why, huh?" she replied coldly.  
  
The Mazoku looked over at the redhead, pretending to be stunned. "Why Lina- chan, however could you be so cruel? For that, I won't tell you the way out!" With that remark, Xellos teleported away.  
  
Gourry, as thickheaded as ever, looked over at Lina with sad puppy-dog eyes. "Aww, Lina, you hurt his feelings."  
  
"Shut up, Gourry," she said, hitting him on the head before returning to her search.  
  
"Don't worry, Mister Zelgadis. I'm sure this won't be as bad as the last one, so you can stop crying," said Amelia, who was trying in vain to console the now sobbing Zelgadis.  
  
The disembodied voice, growing agitated with the characters' antics, decided to continue on. "In order to decide who would become the next king, the queen decided to hold a contest."  
  
"Do I at least get to decide what kind of contest it is?" asked Lina, looking hopeful.  
  
The voice paused a moment, apparently pondering the proposal, before answering. "Sure, whatever."  
  
"Oh, goody!" she squealed. "Whoever brings me back the most expensive and beautiful jewel wins!!"  
  
Amelia glared angrily at the redheaded sorceress. "Isn't that abusing your powers, Miss Lina?"  
  
"Of course not! I'm the queen, so I can do whatever I want," Lina declared, returning Amelia's glare full-force. "Gourry, Zel, go get me some jewels!!"  
  
"Yeah!" Gourry shouted. He looked around blankly for a couple seconds, then looked back at Lina. "What am I supposed to be doing again?"  
  
"Gourry, go find a shiny rock and bring it back to me," replied Lina, trying to explain it as simply as possible.  
  
Gourry turned around with a corny smile plastered on his face and wandered off, muttering "Shiny rock, shiny rock, shiny rock" and staring at the ground.  
  
Meanwhile, Zelgadis was wholeheartedly beating his head against the ground; unfortunately, being as his head is so hard, all he succeeded in doing was creating a rather large dent.  
  
Amelia grabbed onto the back of his shirt and began to drag him (extremely slowly) towards the cardboard forest.  
  
"And so the two princes set off on their separate journey, neither of them to return without a jewel."  
  
"Um.Lina? What was I supposed to be doing again?"  
  
Lina walked up to the blond swordsman and started to strangle him.  
  
~ ~ ~ ( |{$_$}| Pretty jewels all for me! ) ~ ~ ~  
  
Amelia and Zelgadis (who was seemingly recovered) were walking along the painted-on path that ran through the 'forest'. Amelia was whistling happily and Zelgadis was glaring at nothing in particular. Suddenly, Zelgadis blanched and fell over, holding his head and crying out as if in pain.  
  
"Uh.Are you okay, Mister Zelga-"  
  
Amelia was cut off by Zel's shout of, "I LOVE YOU, AMELIA!"  
  
Amelia, however, appeared unfazed by this sudden confession. As Zelgadis got up and started stumbling towards her with outstretched arms, she simply pulled a bucket of water out of.er. somewhere horribly convenient and dumped it over his head.  
  
"Th-thanks," he stuttered, shivering. "Stupid fan fic writers. Why do they always do stuff like that?"  
  
"We may never know. Come on, let's keep looking."  
  
~ ~ ~ ( ((Y.Y)) Zelgadis-san doesn't love me. *sniff* )  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
"Shiny rock, shiny rock, shiny rock, shiny rock, shiny ro-OW!"  
  
Gourry looked around to see what he had tripped on, and realized that it was a diamond of enormous proportions. Well, he didn't actually realize that it was a diamond, just that it was a large shiny rock.  
  
~ ~ ~ ( |((.^|| Pretty! ) ~ ~ ~  
  
Zelgadis and Amelia were walking through the 'forest'.still. They had been walking for hours, but all they had seen was cardboard trees and a few cardboard animals. Amelia had gone through eight hours straight of her random babbling already, and was beginning to lose her voice. In Zel's point of view, however, that was a very good thing; her constant banter had already gotten him closer than he would have liked to the brink of total insanity.  
  
".And then he asked me what I would like for my birthday. I told him I would like nothing but to give Justice to all the people in the world. Then everyone started staring at me funny so I walked out. Then the next day my daddy came in and started telling me about the ceremony. He kept talking and talking and talking, but I didn't really care so I pretended to fall asleep," the princess croaked happily. "The he went away, but he came back a minute later and gave me a puppy. I named the puppy Zel-chan and dyed it blue so it would always remind me of you."  
  
"You named a dog after me?"  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"Then dyed it blue?"  
  
"Yep!"  
  
Zelgadis blinked and looked over at the girl walking beside him, wondering if whether he should be flattered or really, really, scared. He opted for scared.  
  
Just then, Amelia spotted something that had previously been hidden from view by a particularly dense area of 'trees'. "Is that a cardboard house?"  
  
"It would appear so."  
  
The two approached the house. Zelgadis was wondering what else could possibly go wrong today while Amelia was thinking about, well, pudding.  
  
Zelgadis walked up to the door and pounded his fist against it, accidentally causing the door to fall off of its cardboard hinges and fall forward into the room. They peered into the dark void within.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" The disembodied voice broke off suddenly and launched into a coughing fit. *Cough cough cough cough HACK!*  
  
"Um.are you okay?" asked Amelia.  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu." These words were accompanied by a flash of blinding light. After Zel could see again, he found himself in sitting in a garden (actually not made entirely of cardboard) with Xellos hanging around his neck. Amelia, of course, had disappeared.  
  
"Xellos, what the *beep* do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Why, what do you think I'm doing, Zel-chan?"  
  
"First of all, don't call me Zel-chan," said Zelgadis, glaring down at Xellos who seemed to be toying with a lock of Zel's wiry hair. "Second, GET OFF OF ME!!" Zel punctuated this statement by standing up, effectively throwing Xellos off of his lap.  
  
"Aww, you're no fun Zel-chan. But I know what to do!" With that happy statement, Xellos teleported away.  
  
"Why me?" sulked Zelgadis. He sat back down, scowling at nothing in particular.  
  
A moment later Xellos reappeared in Zel's lap, something cupped in his hands. "I have a present for you!" he taunted, opening his hands to reveal a glittering black orb.  
  
Zelgadis reached towards the strange object, mesmerized by its beauty. It was, indeed, very beautiful; it seemed almost to emit a dark light, yet at the same time sparkle so brightly that it dazzled the eye. But just as Zel's fingers touched the strangely warm surface, Xellos pulled it out of his grasp.  
  
"Tisk, tisk. You can have this, but only for a price."  
  
"What's the price?" queried Zelgadis, still gazing at the jewel.  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu!"  
  
"That is so very helpful," Zel commented sarcastically.  
  
"I try." ^_^  
  
A little before this.  
  
~ ~ ~ ( |||^_^||| Secrets are fun! ) ~ ~ ~  
  
"Um.where did Mister Zelgadis go?"  
  
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"  
  
Amelia clasped her hands over her ears as the seagull-like laughter rang out.  
  
"I am Naga, the queen's evil twin sister (i likes bending reality ^_^), here to slay Prince Zelgadis!"  
  
"Um.Naga, is it?"  
  
Naga nodded.  
  
"You're looking for Mister Zelgadis, ne?"  
  
She nodded again.  
  
"Would you by any chance know where he is?"  
  
"Um.no."  
  
"Well then, since we're both looking for him, let's look together!" Amelia suggested happily.  
  
"OHOHOHOHOHO!" Amelia flinched at the sound of Naga's laugh. "I will kill Zelgadis yet!" Naga cried.  
  
The two walked off into the 'forest' to look for the missing chimera.  
  
~ ~ ~ ( ((O.o)) My, what big breasts you have! ) ~ ~ ~  
  
"Somehow I doubt that all the gold in the world would be worth anything you could come up with," Zelgadis said, scowling.  
  
"Silly Zel-chan. This jewel," Xellos said, tossing said jewel like a play thing, "is worth far more than that."  
  
"How much is it worth?"  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu."  
  
"Can you even tell me what it is?"  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu."  
  
"Are you going to give it to me?"  
  
"Not unless you marry me."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
~ ~ ~ ( //_O\ Help me! ) ~ ~ ~  
  
To be continued.once I get around to it. -__-  
  
Heh heh, I guess the entire point of this fan fic is to torture Zelgadis. I like doing that. He's so very torturable. That's not even a word. Please excuse the fact that they kinda get out of character.that's just because I'm lazy (plus it's more fun that way). Please excuse me now, I'm going to go read some more fan fictions.and drift farther. into. insanity. happy. blissful. insanity. monkeys. banana pudding. ^_^ 


	2. which turns into a different quest

Evil disclaimer that signifies all that is wrong with the world (namely the fact that the most valuable thing I own is my Gamecube): No, I still don't own them. If I did than maybe I'd finally be able to buy a Playstation 2 and a TV and a really big sword and a computer and a giant Totoro stuffed animal and a heck of a lot of Pocky and a bunch of other stuff I've been wanting. Sadly, even that probly wouldn't be enough to buy a team of scientists into slavery and force them to build me my very own mecha. I've always wanted to go on a rampage in a mecha. *sigh*  
  
  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
Zelgadis' cry rang through the garden and several birds took flight, screeching in protest.  
  
"So? Do you want the jewel or not?" asked Xellos, opening one eye to look playfully at the chimera whose lap he was in.  
  
Zel paused to look down at the black orb. It was quite obviously the most valuable thing he had ever seen, but there was something about it. It seemed almost. hypnotizing. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He wouldn't. he couldn't. but the jewel..  
  
"Al.alri-"  
  
Zel's reply was cut short by a small rock hitting him on the head.  
  
"Ow!" he cried. "What did you do that for?"  
  
"Do what for?"  
  
"Through that rock at my head!"  
  
"Rock?" Xellos was obviously beginning to get worried.  
  
"You threw a rock at me. when I. I was about to say y-OW!"  
  
Xellos shoved the jewel into his pocket (Zelgadis recovered quickly with it out of sight) and stood up sharply, opening his eyes in order to look about.  
  
"Damn. She's followed us. I thought Naga would keep her busy." Xellos muttered to himself.  
  
"What? What is it??"  
  
Xellos turned around quickly, his usually cheery expression returned and a finger pressed to his lips.  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu."  
  
It took a startlingly short amount of time for Zel to go from sitting cross- legged on the ground to holding onto Xellos's shirt and shaking him violently.  
  
"STOP SAYING THAT!"  
  
Xellos simply smiled, then, on a whim, he leaned forward towards his assailant.  
  
"Wh-wha?" Zel stuttered, paling and backing away slowly.  
  
"Ai shiteru," whispered Xellos, his lips reaching for those of Zelgadis.  
  
Both turned their gazes upward, however, to a bizarre whistling noise. Too late did Xellos realize that the noise was a rather large rock-that, or a small boulder. There was a resounding 'WHUNK!' as the rock landed on Xellos's head, rendering him unconscious.  
  
Zel peered warily upward, hoping there wouldn't any more rocks falling from the sky. Still glancing skyward nervously, Zelgadis bent over the comatose mazoku and reached into his pocket, pulling out the black orb. Then, feeling he had little reason to help Xellos, Zel wandered off to find Lina.  
  
~ ~ ~ ( |||X_X||| Itai. ) ~ ~ ~  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in the cardboard forest.  
  
"Gurlgurglu."  
  
"Yes, I'm hungry too," said Gourry, patting his grumbling stomach, "but we have to find Lina."  
  
"Gulgargurgu."  
  
"That /is/ a very nice smell. I wonder where it's coming from."  
  
Gourry decided to follow said smell, and, after sniffing a moment to get his bearings, he turned left and began trotting along, dragging his coffee table-sized diamond behind him and all the while chatting amiably with his stomach.  
  
"Egrugurlgagu!"  
  
"Well. I think it smells like gingerbread!"  
  
"Gurgulagu!"  
  
"I like gingerbread too."  
  
Gourry continued on like this for several minutes before making a startling discovery. He had suddenly realized that he was no longer surrounded by cardboard trees. (but they weren't real, either) Instead, everything around him seemed to be made from various forms of junk food. He watched several bunnies hop across his path, noting that even they seemed to be made of chocolate. Gourry briefly paused to wonder /why/ everything was made of food, but this intelligence breakthrough lasted only until the blond swordsman spotted a particular well-known snack food and raced towards it with arms outstretched and stars in his eyes.  
  
"POCKY!"  
  
He grabbed what appeared to be a fence post and began munching on it happily. It was, as he had suspected, an enlarged pocky stick. After he had finished devouring his conquest, he moved onto the next section of a chocolate-covered fence that appeared to continue on until it intercepted a path made entirely from gumdrops. Gourry, forgetting the famous proverb, 'curiosity killed the cat,' decided he should investigate.(or at least gorge himself)  
  
~ ~ ~ ( |((_^|| Yum! ) ~ ~ ~  
  
"Damn, I need some coffee."  
  
There was an odd 'thunk' as an object landed squarely on Zel's head, then fell off onto the ground. He reached down and read the label.  
  
"Soap?"  
  
A piece of paper fluttered down to his feet. He picked it up and read the message:  
  
No more swearing or I'll make you wash your mouth out with yucky tasting soap!  
  
"Somehow I believe it. So, can you tell me where I'm supposed to go?"  
  
Another paper appeared.  
  
Just keep walking 'till you see a tower.  
  
"I guess I might as well. Great, not only am I actually listening to a fic author, I talking to myself too! I need some coffee."  
  
Skipping forward a bit.  
  
~ ~ ~ ( //_-\ I still need coffee. ) ~ ~ ~  
  
"I guess that would be the tower."  
  
Zel was, of course, referring to the enormous cardboard tower that loomed up before him (the looming effect was completed by a black backdrop and sporadic flashes of lighting, of course).  
  
"Let me guess. Now I get to save some random damsel-in-distress."  
  
Once more a slip of paper silently floated to the ground in front of him.  
  
How'd you guess? ^_^  
  
Zelgadis just snorted as he read the paper and started off towards the tower. However, after he had taken a few steps another note floated down from the heavens, or wherever the hell they were coming from, and landed in his hand. It was a bit larger than the others. He glared at it a moment, hoping it would disappear, but still unfolded it and held it in the light.  
  
Oh, I guess I should probably give you a warning of some kind... all right, here goes:  
  
Beware, warrior, for on this path lie many dangers and a lot of things that really don't make any sense...you have been warned.  
  
Hmmm... Was that ominous enough? Oh well, good luck! (you'll need it) -Author-sama  
  
"And so, Prince Zelgadis set off to become a hero.or perhaps food for some large predator," boomed the narrator, back from whatever plothole he/she/it had fallen into.  
  
~ ~ ~ ( //^_^\\ I am Author-sama, hear me write.or something) ~ ~ ~  
  
Author's Notes: My laziness astounds even me! It's been, what, months since I put up the first chapter? Sorry to whoever's reading this.I lose all initiative whatsoever during the summer. ^_^; Anyway, now that school's started up again, I'll be using fanfictions as yet another excuse to procrastinate on my homework. 


End file.

Slayers, Humor