Harry Potter Beneath A Wizard's Robes

A quick little songfic for you. Enjoy.

_ShadeDancer_

Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor the song 'The Scotsman's Kilt'; I merely changed some of the lyrics to fit this fic.

_Beneath A Wizard's Robes_

Severus stumbled out of the Hogshead bar, completely sloshed after a much too hearty round of drinking to celebrate the Dark Lord's demise. He hadn't had so much to drink since the night he had first taken the Dark Mark, and that had been to drown out his stupidity and pain. This was out of sheer joy. Another drunk heading in the opposite direction fell into him and for a moment the two held each other up before Severus shoved the unwashed body away in disgust. He knew he was drunk—everything was beautifully out of focus, having taken on a surreal clarity—but he still had standards. Severus somehow found himself on the road leading to Hogwarts, but looking up found it to be too daunting a walk for him in his inebriated state. Without really thinking about it or any possible consequences, Severus stumbled from the path to fall to the ground on a soft looking tuft of grass and immediately went to sleep.

_Well a wizard clad in dark black robes left a bar one evening fair  
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share  
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet  
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street  
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh  
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street_

Harry walked arm in arm with Bill up towards Hogwarts, the two horny males nuzzling at each other in promise of what would happen when they reached the castle. They had blundered across each other at one of the many parties occurring around Hogsmeade and Bill had helped Harry make his escape from all the well wished congratulations. They were planning on having their own little private party up at Hogwarts, the school being relatively empty as almost all the students and staff had joined the town in festivity. A flutter of black caught Harry's eye and he pulled his wand on instinct despite the slight cloud of alcohol dulling his mind; he knew there were still some Death Eaters still alive and on the loose.

"What is it Harry?' Bill asked, also drawing his wand, but Harry had already let his arm fall to his side.

"It's Professor Snape." Harry had recognized the black clothed figure and moved closer for a better look. "I think he's sleeping."

Bill looked disbelieving. "Beside the road? Was he hexed?"

Harry and Bill were now close enough to smell the alcohol on Severus.

"Passed out." Harry announced, a wicked smile growing across his face when he looked up at Bill as the courage of alcohol shored him up. "I wonder if the rumors are true?"

Bill didn't need any clarification on what rumors, no gay student who had ever passed through the halls of Hogwarts would.

"I think we've just gotten our chance to find out."

_About that time two young and randy lads just happened by  
And one says to the other with a twinkle in his eye  
See yon sleeping professor so strong and handsome grown  
I wonder if it's true what he don't wear beneath his robe  
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh  
I wonder if it's true what he don't wear beneath his robe_

Together Harry and Bill moved closer, nervous but emboldened by what they were about to do. All the while Harry kept a close eye on his professor's face, he knew all too well Severus' abilities and quick reactions, but Snape was completely out of it. Harry knelt by Severus' waist and tentatively fingered the soft hem of the flowing black robes where they had bunched up near the professor's knees, revealing the lower portion of the man's pale legs; the robes wouldn't be hard to lift at all.

"Ready?" He asked Bill, receiving a grinning nod in return.

Almost hesitantly Harry lifted the robes up enough so that he and Bill could peek and found himself wanting to close his eyes to prolong the suspense. A moment later he was extremely glad he hadn't as he licked his suddenly dry lips. It was official, Professor Severus Snape wore nothing beneath his robes—and even at rest he was well endowed.

_They crept up on that sleeping wizard quiet as could be  
Lifted up his robe just a bit so they could see  
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his dark black robe  
Was nothing more than Merlin had graced him with upon his birth  
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh  
Was nothing more than Merlin had graced him with upon his birth_

It was only when Bill, his voice hoarse and lust in his eyes, said they should go that the second wicked thought crossed Harry's mind.

"Just a second." Harry motioned for Bill to hold the robe up. "There's something I want to do first."

"_Harry_!" Bill hissed softly, scandalized as he shot a fearful look at the still-sleeping professor's face. "You can't. It's wrong."

Harry rolled his eyes before giving Bill a quick, hard kiss. "I'm not going to molest him or anything, you're the only one whose bones I'm jumping when we reach the castle, I just want to leave him a little gift so he knows his secret's out."

"What kind of gift?" Bill had relaxed and now held the hem of the robe, but he was still suspicious of Harry's intentions.

"This." In his hand Harry held a length of red and gold ribbon from the sash he had been wearing around his waist for an earlier ceremony. "It'll make a pretty statement."

With deft hands Harry slipped the ribbon around Severus' exposed member and tied it in a bow, making sure not to pull it too tight. For a brief moment during the tying his fingers had brushed against that warm flesh and Harry stood quickly before any other lustful thoughts decided to enter his head.

"Come on Bill." Harry grabbed at the redhead's hand to pull him to his feet. "Let's get to the castle while everyone's still at the village."

Now he really needed to get laid.

_They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone  
Let's leave a present for our professor, before we move along  
As a gift they left a gold and red ribbon, tied into a bow  
Around the bonnie star, the wizard's robe did lift and show  
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh  
Around the bonnie star, the wizard's robe did lift and show_

It was hours later when Severus woke from the unconsciousness of drink, his head feeling wooly and a sour aftertaste coating his mouth. In the distance he could hear the town still fully engaged in joyful revelry, he had half a mind to go back and join them now that he was sobering up, but a more pressing concern had caught his attention. Making it to his feet, Severus stumbled the few steps to a nearby tree and the conveniently placed screen of bushes. Casting a furtive glance up and down both directions of the road Severus deemed the coast clear and lifted his robes in order to heed Nature's Call. He froze in surprise, gaping at the ribbon tied around his Little Friend. What had he done before, or perhaps even after, he had passed out beside the road? What ever had happened, a Gryffindor had been involved if the red and gold colors of the ribbon were any indication.

"I don't know what you did." Severus spoke to his Little Friend in the manner of one still suffering from alcohol consumption, "but I see you won Gryffindor's prize."

_Now the wizard woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree  
Behind a bush, he lift his robe and gawks at what he sees  
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.  
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won Gryffindor's prize  
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh  
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won Gryffindor's prize _

Severus was just putting his robes to right after relieving himself, tucking the ribbon safely away in a pocket, when an image flashed into his mind. There was only one person who would have dared to do this, and the bit of ribbon matched the Gryffindor sash that had clinched beautifully cut black robes around a trim young body.

"POTTER!"

* * *

Posted On: April 14, 2008


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Harry Potter, Humor