Bleach 1. Meet Ichigo Kurosaki

**Chapter 1: Meet Ichigo Kurosaki**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or anything else that I may make reference to throughout this story. **

You're traveling through another dimension; a dimension not only of Bleach characters and reading but of stupidity; a journey into a juvenile land whose boundaries are that of a FanFiction. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Spoofing Zone!

My name is Ichigo Kurosaki and I see dead people. I also see goats, ghosts, and Keigo picking his nose when he thinks no one is looking; which is kind of disturbing.

The point is I see many things so I wasn't the slightest bit surprised the night that a fifty foot monster known as a Hollow attacked my home and almost killed my sisters.

That was the night I met Rukia Kuchiki, a girl that would soon inspire over seven thousand FanFictions just pairing me and Rukia alone. I haven't read any of them... haven't got the time... too busy savin' the world.

To be honest I'm not a big fan of the Bleach Manga anyway... too many Aizen look a likes. And why does Riruka's name remind me so much of Rukia's?

Anyways this isn't the story of my life, it's just a FanFiction written by some random teenage boy still living in his parents house. Nevertheless, enjoy and don't hesitate to review.

**-phantom130 5 (June 2012)**


	2. Bleach & Wasting Time

**Chapter 2: Bleach & Wasting Time**

**Hello guys, I'm back with a challenge for all my reviewers. If you can correctly guess in a signed review my favorite Bleach character I will show you a short scene from an upcoming chapter.**

**To narrow down the possibilities I'll tell you it's one of Ichigo's close friends. Let's see who gets it right.**

**(Offer expirers as soon as chapter 3 is up)**

_Since the beginning of Bleach everyone has been asking Orihime, Rukia, or Tatsuki who does Ichigo Kurosaki love? Just to confuse the readers Bleach later even went as far as to add Riruka to the mix._

_Of course only I, Ichigo Kurosaki know the correct answer, but just to make the readers mad I'm not going to tell you._

_Instead I will finish this by adding a new possible pairing to the ever-growing list of possibilities. Picture me and Chizuru._

_Sure she'll never be interested, but what if I was? It's just something to think about; too bad I'll never ever tell you!_

Anyways, today I was in my bedroom doing the one thing every teenager loves to do. I was online reading FanFiction. Much like you are doing now.

It was around that moment that I stumbled upon one story in particular called the Naruto Spoofing by phantom130 5. Phantom130 5, I thought to myself. That name sounded so familiar, but where did I hear it? Didn't Uryū like that writer?

Anyways, I clicked it and I must say I wish I could unclick what I did, because his story wasted five minutes of my life that I'll never be able to get back. The worst part of it all is that he has got more Spoofings planned!

He even started work on a Bleach Spoofing! Can you imagine all the people wasting their lives away reading this stuff?

God help us all if our brains turn to mush over this! Come time for the supposed zombie apocalypse I'll have to apologize to them.

"Sorry zombies, I have no brain left for you to eat because phantom130 5 got to it first!"

Hmm, somehow I have a feeling I got off track somewhere... Oh yeah, anyways, I was in my room having my brain turned to mush by _you know who_ (Not Voldemort, the other unmentionable) when Orihime came in ranting about the newest chapter of Bleach.

"Hey Ichigo, did you read the..."

I quickly spun around my chair and held my finger up to her lips in order to shush her.

"Let's try to keep this chapter spoiler free." I said, because I wanted to be nice to my fans who aren't up to date with Bleach or aren't manga readers on Manga Reader. (And most importantly, I haven't read it either!)

Orihime frowned. For a minute she looked like she wanted to argue, but she quickly dropped it.

"What do you want to talk about then?" She asked.

I thought for a moment. There were numerous possibilities of spoiler free topics running through my head. However, there was one in particular that seemed to stand out.

"Why do you think they call Bleach, bleach?" I asked.

Orihime shrugged, "Maybe for product placement."

"Maybe, but it isn't like the series runs advertisements for Bleach in it." I explained, "If you ask me they should start though."

"Well, why don't we run an advertisement for bleach?" Orihime suggested.

Ichigo sighed, "And how is that supposed to work? This is a _FanFiction_!"

"Just watch." Orihime replied cheerfully.

Orihime was now wearing clean fancy clothing and standing in a pure what room behind a countertop table. The table was covered by a white blanket and on top of it was a bottle of Bleach.

Ichigo stepped into the room. He was wearing his Soul Reaper uniform and didn't look happy.

The uniform was cut as if it were slashed by a sword and covered with so much blood that it was hard to tell if the blood belonged to him or someone else.

"What's wrong Ichigo?" Orihime asked.

"I got blood on my favorite Soul Reaper uniform. I don't know how I will get it off." He explained.

"Don't worry!" Orihime said cheerfully, "Bleach brand bleach will help get rid of all those tough blood stains in time for the next episode!"

It was around that moment that Chad stepped into the scene wheeling a cart that held a washing machine.

"Thank you Chad." Orihime said.

She motioned for Ichigo to take off his shirt and put it in the washing machine and he did. Then Orihime mixed in a bit of bleach and some washing detergent and started the wash.

As Orihime, Chad, and the now shirtless Ichigo waited for the wash to finish two random pedestrians of Karakura Town stepped into the commercial.

One was a guy and the other was a girl. They held hands and had a huge smile on their face as they spoke.

"Bleach brand bleach saved our marriage!" The man said.

"My husband always used to come home with his clothes covered in blood. He would claim that he was attacked by a Hollow on the way home from work, but I told him that was no excuse. Your clothes should always be clean." The woman said.

"So I got Bleach brand bleach!" The man said.

"Now the blood stains wash out easily." The woman explained.

"But the Hollows won't leave me alone!" The man said. Then the couple joined hands and ran off.

At last the wash finished and Orihime took out Ichigo's shirt. It looked just as good as new.

Ichigo took the shirt from her hands, slipped the shirt back on and smiled.

"Golly Orihime. My shirt feels just as good as new! I'm so happy that I could just marry you!"

Orihime smiled, "Shucks Ichigo, you don't have to marry me... _But please do_!"

Then Ichigo and Orihime stepped outside. In front of their house was a horse drawn carriage. Orihime and Ichigo went onto it and the horses carried the couple off into the sunset.

As it went further and further away you could tell that on the back of the carriage was the words 'Just engaged'.

Back in present time Orihime had just finished explaining to Ichigo her idea for a bleach advertisement. Ichigo replied with an eye roll.

"Golly Orihime. My shirt feels just as good as new! I'm so happy that I could just marry you!" Ichigo repeated mockingly, "What makes you even think I'd say something like that?"

"Where did the married couple come from?" Chad asked.

He had somehow magically appeared into the scene just to add in more irony to his question. Chad is awesome enough to do that.

"They came from... they came from..." Orihime stuttered trying to think of a logical answer, "You left the front door open so they walked in!"

"So... the people just happened to walk in just in time to see us doing a commercial on bleach?" Ichigo questioned, still not fully understanding Orihime's explanation.

Orihime sighed in frustration, "Look, if you think you can do better I welcome you to try!"

"Well I'd make my advertisement a little more like this..."

Ichigo was now seen in Wako Mundo going head to head with Grimmjow. Ichigo raised his Zanpakuto menacingly and tried to use it to slash his enemy. Grimmjow tried to do the same, but his actions were a bit slower.

After a few more of Ichigo's swipes Grimmjow's sword was knocked to the ground. Grimmjow raised his hands in surrender and Ichigo raised his sword for one more fatal blow.

"Any last words before I finish you off and kick your butt all the way from here to the Soul Society?" Ichigo asked.

"Just one..." Grimmjow prompted. Ichigo motioned for him to go on, "... I want everyone to buy Bleach brand bleach."

Ichigo smiled a bitter sweet smile. A tear began to form in his eye as he dropped his sword and said, "Yeah, that's what I wish for too."

Ichigo leaned over and hugged Grimmjow. Grimmjow accepted it and hugged back. Then he and Grimmjow walked away, hand and hand into the sunset.

Back in reality Chad was practically bawling his eyes out over Ichigo's heart wrenching story.

"That was just... so touching." He wept.

"Thanks Chad." Ichigo said, calmly handing his friend a tissue from his front pocket.

"That made absolutely no sense!" Orihime cried.

Ichigo rolled his eyes, "And you think it's better than your ad?"

"I liked them both!" Chad cried; while blowing his nose and trying hard to wipe away a few more tears.

"Hang in there big guy." Ichigo said.

It was around that moment that Kisuke appeared. He stood beside Ichigo's bedroom window and knocked on the glass, waiting for someone to let him in.

Orihime walked over and opened the window. Kisuke made his way over and casually sat down in the circle of friends almost as if he'd been involved in the conversation the whole time.

"I hear you guys are talking about bleach." Kisuke said, seeming more like a question than a statement.

"Who told you?" Chad asked.

"The hat knows all." Kisuke said, still keeping his mellow, yet serious tone as he pointed up to the hat on his head.

"Well what does your hat know about bleach?" Ichigo asked.

"The hat tried that stuff once... How do you think it got those white stripes?" Kisuke explained casually, "Before bleach my hair was brown and now I'm a blonde. Bleach is my life man. I live bleach every day. So don't say I don't know anything about bleach."

"I never said that!" Ichigo interjected.

"True, but you were implyin' it."

"I don't understand..." Ichigo said.

"You will someday man. Once you know bleach like I know bleach, bleach will be all you understand." Kisuke explained.

"This guy doesn't make any sense..." Chad muttered.

"Well maybe Kisuke would like to come up with an advertisement for bleach too!" Orihime suggested.

Ichigo shrugged, "Sure, why not?" He turned his attention to Kisuke, "Would you like to come up with a bleach advertisement too?"

A huge smile emerged from Kisuke's face, causing him to break free from his calm and collected manner, "Gosh, do I ever!"

The gang waited for Kisuke to tell his idea, but the man didn't say anything. Instead he tapped his chin in deep thought.

"Go on." Ichigo said.

"I'm thinking!" The man snapped.

"Well think faster! We've got a FanFiction to write!" Ichigo said.

Kisuke sighed, "Ok, I really don't think I've got anything..."

"What the heck?" Ichigo yelled, "You wasted seventy five words for this! You know how I feel about adding things to stories just to fill useless space!"

"Ichigo, I don't like the way you're talking to me." Kisuke said sternly.

"Wow, I've never seen Ichigo so mad..." Chad muttered.

"He really hates filler..." Orihime added, "That's why he refuses to watch the Bleach anime... Or just about any anime for that matter..."

"Ichigo, I don't like the way you're talking to me." Ichigo repeated in a mocking tone, "Look, go complain to someone else! This chapter is junk because of you!"

Kisuke sighed, "Ichigo you're being a jerk."

"I don't care! My sword is bigger than yours so I'm allowed to be a jerk if I want!" Ichigo yelled.

Kisuke sighed, "That's it... Can we just end it now... End this chapter now! We're driving phantom130 5 crazy trying to think of new material for us."

"You can't end a chapter like that, it'll look sloppy!" Ichigo said.

"That hasn't stopped phantom before." Kisuke explained.

Ichigo crossed his arms, "Are you sure about this? Just imagine all the flamers crying because they didn't like their ending. Imagine all six followers upset because they wanted you to write a bleach advertisement!"

"They won't care. I think we gave them enough material for one day." Kisuke said, "Besides now they have more time to read more educational FanFictions."

"Yeah," Chad agreed, "If I were a fan of this story I'd actually _want_ to do Math just to bring my I.Q. back up!"

Orihime clapped her hands, "Bleach Spoofing, it makes you want to do Math! Now that's a good slogan!"

Ichigo sighed, "How about the reviewers? Can we continue the chapter for them?"

"No, not a single amount of reviews will change my opinion on this garbage!" Kisuke said.

"But if reviewers guess phantom's favorite character correctly they'll get to read a short excerpt of an upcoming chapter!" Orihime explained with a huge smile on her face.

"Vote for Orihime." Chad whispered, "Trust me I know."

"Chad don't give away the answer!" Orihime yelled.

"Sorry, but I find the snip it really funny." Chad replied.

Ichigo frowned and crossed his arms,"You know what; I don't care. In fact, I dare you to end the chapter here and now! Let's see if you really have the guts to let all these people down!"

**-phantom130 5 (July 2012)**


	3. Meet Team Aizen

**Chapter 3: Meet Team Aizen**

**Author's Note: How come no one reviewed saying my favorite character was Orihime? Oh well just because I love you readers here is the chapter I was planning to put the snip it with. Review! **

_Everyone has their own arch nemesis, someone they long to kill even if it means sacrificing yourself for what you believe to be for the greater good. Sasuke Uchiha has Itachi Uchiha, Light Yagami has L, and even our hero Batman has the joker._

_Ok, that's fine and all, but who's my nemesis? It seems to change in every arc doesn't it? Well besides the evil doings of asparagus, I really can't stand Sosuke Aizen... But asparagus is still far worse!_

_Ichigo Kurosuki_

_P.S. Thank you __islandgirl15 for help with writing some of Gin's speech, because you probably know as well as I do how hard that stuff is to write correctly._

_P.S.S. Thank you phantom130 5 for coming out with another brain melting chapter of this junk!_

_P.S.S.S. The last comment about phantom130 5 was sarcastic… How do you write sarcasm into a story?_

"Gin, what is taking you so long?! I'm starving!" A brown haired man called out.

The brown haired man was none other than Sosuke Aizen. He sat on the couch with his long time best friend Kaname Tōsen as they watched Sponge Bob Square Pants on TV.

"Give it up already." Kaname replied with a shrug, "Gin isn't coming back. He has been in that kitchen for hours. There is no way it takes that long to make peanut butter and jelly!"

Suddenly a loud crash was heard from the kitchen across the hall. It sounded almost as if someone had just charged head first into a wall.

"What was that?! Sosuke called out in shock as he and Kaname ran over to the kitchen for further inspection.

The two entered the room to find Gin lying on the floor with his eyes shut. A plate of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lay beside him in a mess on the floor.

At this Sosuke let out a long aggravated groan. "Gin, how many times have I told you to keep your eyes open?"

"Sorry, Sosuke. I was just wonderin' what it was like ta see like Kaname, ya know, with him bein' blind an' all."

Kaname put his hand on his forehead in frustration. "You made us miss Sponge Bob for this!"

"Sponge Bob's on?" Gin questioned; his eyes suddenly shooting open in interest. "Why didn't ya' tell me anythin' earlier?"

Kaname shrugged. "Didn't think it would matter... Then again I also didn't think it would take you so long to figure out how to make a simple sandwich that even a _preschooler_ could make."

Gin frowned. "It's not ma' fault I'm blind!"

Kaname growled. "You're not blind! You just never open your eyes!"

Gin was about to argue when Sosuke put his hand in between the two boys, thus cutting the bickering short.

"Now, boys, let's not fight. After all, what's more important: this silly fight or your friendship?" Sosuke asked.

"The fight." Gin said.

"Definitely the fight." Kaname added.

Sosuke sighed and he thought he was going to be his friends' voice of reason too.

"Alright then, go and kill each other." Sosuke urged with an eye roll.

"Actually even more than that, I'd rather watch Sponge Bob." Kaname said.

"Too bad. Look at the time. Tis already six a'clock. Sponge Bob is over." Gin said with a pout.

Sosuke frowned. "Care to see what Ichigo is up to?" He asked.

"Sure tat sounds like fun!" Gin cheered.

"I would have rather watched Sponge Bob ..." Kaname confessed.

Meanwhile back at the Soul Society Ichigo was doing battle with an evil asparagus. Orihime, Chad, Uryū, Rukia, Renji, Kenpachi, and Yachiru impatiently sat around the dinner table, waiting for the boy to make his final move.

"Come on Ichigo! Finish him off!" Yachiru cheered.

"But I don't want to!" Ichigo whined with tears flowing down his cheeks as he stuck his fork into the dreaded vegetable.

"He won't die until you eat him." Renji said.

"Come on Ichigo, it's just an asparagus! Stop being such a big baby and eat it already!" Rukia snapped.

"I'd rather die at the hand of Aizen!" Ichigo whined.

"Consider your wish granted." Sosuke said as he walked into the room with Gin and Kaname, the group suddenly appearing from out of nowhere.

Ichigo's eyes widened and he quickly shoved the asparagus into his mouth.

"Look I was only joking about the killing thing!" He said with his mouth full. "Please don't kill me!"

Sosuke smiled and leaned in close to Ichigo, placing his hand on the boy's chin.

"You know, you could always use bleach to get rid of that vegetable." Sosuke said with a smile as he tried to sound as intimidating as possible.

"Don't worry. Aizen-sama isn't here ta kill ya'." Gin said. "We just wanted ta give ya' a scare."

"So boo." Kaname said causing Kenpachi to scream and hide behind Yachiru for protection.

"Aizen, I've already accepted your friend request on Facebook. What more do you want from me?" Ichigo asked.

"I don't want much from you, my little Shinigami. I'd just like to apologize for fighting you earlier and you know, causing you to lose your Shinigami powers." Sosuke said. "If it's alright with you I'd like to become real life friends as well as Facebook friends."

Chad smiled. "You should take his apology Ichigo. Nothing says trustworthy like someone who tried to kill you once!"

Uryū's jaw dropped. "That's not true! In fact anything or anyone else would be more trustworthy than this guy!"

Chad put his hand on Uryū's shoulder. "Ignore him. He's still bitter because Aizen switched from glasses to contacts."

Uryū crossed his arms and pouted. "I'm not ... But even if I was why'd you switch bro? Glasses are amazing."

Sosuke frowned. "Actually about that ... I'm really not wearing contacts. I just hate the way glasses made me look. Momo said they made me look like a nerd ... But I really like the contact lens idea though! So thank you! I didn't even think of that!"

"You're not welcome." Uryū said.

"So wait, Aizen you're supposed to wear glasses, but never do, Kaname is blind, does that make Gin the only one in your trio with 20/20 vision?" Rukia inquired.

"It does, but alas, I'd like to be blind like Kaname." Gin said, seeming proud of himself for that announcement.

"What is wrong with you?" Kaname snapped. "If you'd like to switch eyes with me somehow, then go ahead!"

"Hold on guys, this isn't Naruto. You can't just go around giving away your eyes whenever you wish." Sosuke said. "It's a lot more difficult to switch your eyes than anime makes it seem. Trust me, I've tried. Anyways Ichigo, what do you say about becoming my friend?"

"... I'm not sure ..." Ichigo confessed. "I mean aren't you still evil?"

"I am, but if you do it I'll throw in a legendary Mew pokémon card."

Ichigo's face lit up. "You've got a deal!"

Later that day Sosuke and Ichigo huddled outside of Head-Captain Yamamoto's office.

"What are we doing here?" Ichigo asked.

"I thought since we were friends maybe you'd do me a best friend job. Is that fine with you buddy?" Sosuke asked.

"That depends, what kind of job do you want me to do?" Ichigo asked.

Sosuke pulled a baseball bat out from his Shinigami uniform. "Go over and hit Yamamoto over the head with this. Please."

"What? Why would I do a foolish thing like that?" Ichigo asked.

"It's because you already said you'd be my best friend." Sosuke explained.

"Wait, I've only said I'd be your friend. I never said anything about being besties!" Ichigo said sternly. "Also I think you're a bit of a bad influence."

"Nonsense. I'm not a bad influence." Sosuke said, trying to wave off Ichigo's doubt, then he handed the boy the bat. "Now go out there and knock that nice old man unconscious for me."

"I wonder what my dad would say about this." Ichigo pondered out loud. "As a kid he'd always tell us never to hit our elders over the head with a baseball bat."

"He did?" Sosuke questioned.

"Yeah, he'd say that every night before tucking me into bed. It was odd just how specific that advice was. But if you'd like I could always hit him over the head with a frying-pan. My father never said anything about that."

"Oh ..." Sosuke muttered. "I don't have a frying-pan with me ..."

"Don't worry I brought one." Ichigo said, pulling the said pan out from his Shinigami uniform.

Sosuke smiled. "I knew I could count on you boy."

After the incident took place Ichigo and Sosuke sat together in an ice cream parlor. Ichigo had ordered a Soul Reaper Sundae, while Aizen had the Evil Split.

"Good job earlier today buddy." Sosuke praised. "You're really good with the frying-pan."

"Thanks." Ichigo said, beaming. "Don't tell my father, but I hit him once with the bat too, just to see what it felt like."

"Oh! You're quite a rebel." Sosuke said, seeming pleased.

"Yes, but please don't tell my dad!"

"I won't. But there is someone else that I want you to hit over the head with a frying-pan for me."

"Who?"

"Well first off you should know he's a lot more dangerous than our old Head-Captain 'Yahoo'. His name is Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Hey that's me!" Ichigo stated in surprise.

Aizen chuckled. "Yes, I want you to knock yourself over the head with a frying-pan because that's how evil I am!"

"No way!" Ichigo retorted. He stood up to go, but Aizen grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"Where do you think you're going? You will hit yourself over the head with a frying-pan or else we're no longer besties in real life."

Ichigo gulped and frantically looked for an excuse of any sort to get away from this awkward situation, but he could not think of anything, and then Chad walked into the Ice Cream Parlor. Chad instantly noticed Ichigo and Aizen and walked over to greet his friends.

"Hey guys, I'm glad to see you two are getting along." Chad said.

"What gave you that impression?" Ichigo muttered.

"Well for starters, you're holding hands." Chad pointed out, referring to the fact that Aizen still had a good grasp on Ichigo's arm as not to let the Shinigami-boy escape.

"He tried to get me to hit myself over the head with a frying-pan!" Ichigo shouted.

"So?" Chad questioned. "Why don't you do it?"

"It'll hurt." Ichigo whined.

"You don't know unless you try." Sosuke said.

"Just do it Ichigo." Chad said.

Ichigo shook his head and used his strength to free himself from Aizen's grip.

"Aizen, you're a bad influence on me! I'm not giving back my Mew pokemon card, but I don't want to be real life besties with you anymore! From now on we're only Facebook friends!" Ichigo snapped before running out of the parlor.

After that, Aizen looked to Chad and gave the boy a devious smile.

"How would you like to be my friend?" Aizen asked.

**-phantom130 5 (October 2012)**


	4. Krispy Kill

**Chapter 4: Krispy Kill**

**Author's Note: Happy Halloween**

It was seven in the morning; Ichigo and his friends Uryū and Chad crept downstairs in their pajamas. The three boys had had a sleepover last night. However, despite the name of the event, neither of the men had gotten much sleep, but they didn't mind. They had been awake all night giggling, and telling gossip.

"Did you see what Keigo was wearing today?" Uryū had asked the night before.

"I know! He's dressed like so ... bland ..." Chad had replied.

Ichigo had simply rolled his eyes. "He was wearing our school's uniform. We all wore that yesterday."

Now the boys stood behind Ichigo as the orange haired boy pried open a cabinet that was stuffed to the top with boxes of cereal.

"What are you going to eat Ichigo?" Uryū asked and Ichigo shrugged in response.

"I want Count Chocula!" Chad cheered as he reached over his friends for the cereal box and the biggest bowl he could find.

"That stuff is horrible. You should really eat something healthier." Uryū lectured, but Chad stuck his tongue out as a reply. Uryū turned back to Ichigo. "I really hope you eat something better. With tonight being candy night and all I'd at least expect that one of you two would have the decency to make a healthy breakfast for once."

Ichigo sighed. He really hadn't put much thought into what he wanted for breakfast, but Uryū had a good point. Ichigo reached into the cabinet and grabbed the first cereal that caught his eye. It was Rice Krispies, surely that would please the Quincey.

As expected, Uryū smiled. "Rice Krispies? That's a good choice!"

"They say that once you add milk you can actually hear the cereal talk to you." Chad pointed out. "It just speaks in snaps, crackles, and pops, but if you decode it then it will almost be like a message from another world."

Ichigo's eyes widened in mild surprise. "You don't say?"

"It's just silly superstition. No one has really been able to decode the cereal's message. I don't even think there is one. The bowl just makes noises when you add milk, that's all there is to it." Uryū explained blandly.

"Well I want to try." Ichigo said.

He reached into the cabinet and pulled out the cereal and bowl, and then he added the cereal to the bowl and poured milk. Now Ichigo, Chad, and Uryū surrounded the bowl and listened with intent.

"I can't hear it." Ichigo said.

"Put your ear close. It's really quiet, but you can hear them if you try." Chad explained.

Ichigo obeyed. He positioned his head so that it was just barely touching the bowl.

"I hear them! I hear them!" He cheered.

Chad clapped his hands. "Do you understand what they're saying?"

"Yeah ... I think I do ..." Ichigo muttered. "I think they're telling me to ..."

"Telling you to what?" Uryū questioned, seeming slightly concerned.

"Kill ... The Rice Krispies want me to kill all my friends." Ichigo said before laughing manically.

Uryū yanked Ichigo away from the bowl and slammed the boy's back against the wall.

"You're losing it man!" Uryū yelled.

"No I heard it clearly. It said 'kill your friends'." Ichigo explained.

"**Cereal doesn't talk!"** Uryū retorted while slapping Ichigo across the face.

Ichigo rubbed the spot where he had been hit. "Sorry I don't know what came over me ..." He confessed.

"That's alright." Uryū said. "Now come on, let's get ready. We need to make our costumes just right for tonight."

Ichigo nodded. "That's a good idea. Just give me a moment. I've got to use the washroom."

Ichigo stood beside a running bathroom sink. He used it to splash some water onto his face.

'What's wrong with me?' He thought. 'I definitely heard the cereal talk to me, but why was I the only one who heard it? Now my friends think I'm mad. And why, oh why do I actually want to obey the Rice Krispies?'

"You better not listen to that cereal Ichigo. It corrodes your mind more than bleach."

Ichigo abruptly turned his head to see Kisuke Urahara standing behind him. Kisuke was casually leaning up against the wall almost as if he had been waiting for Ichigo to turn up.

"H-how'd you know about the Rice Krispies?" Ichigo stammered.

Kisuke smiled and casually lifted the brim of his hat so that it didn't cover his eyes. "The hat knows all. You talked to the Rice Krispies and now you have urges to kill. Am I right?"

Ichigo nodded. "How do I control these urges?"

Kisuke laughed. "Haven't you seen just about any of the horror movies out there? The killer is never able to control the urge to kill. You are no exception, but you must try to do the impossible and be good. So decide right now, are you a killer or a friend?"

Ichigo sighed. "Maybe I'm both. The Rice Krispies specifically told me to kill my friends. I can't kill my friends if I don't have any."

"That's madness! Ichigo, I'm telling you as a friend don't do it!"

"Did you just say we're friends?"

Kisuke gulped. "I did, but ..."

Ichigo reached out and took his sword (which was conveniently lying up against a nearby wall.)

"The Rice Krispies told me to kill my friends. If you're my friend then I must kill you."

In the other room Chad and Uryū were sorting through boxes of costume supplies for the perfect Halloween costume. All of a sudden Chad stopped his rummaging and sat up completely still.

"Did you just hear that?" He asked.

"Hear what?"

"It sounded like someone with an awesome hat being killed in the bathroom by an orange haired boy with a giant sword."

Uryū rolled his eyes. "Chad, you claim to hear that sound everyday and every time I tell you it's all a figment of your imagination."

"But I really thought I heard it this time!" The boy protested. "We should really go investigate!"

"No; remember the last time we investigated that noise?" Uryū asked as he cringed at the horrible memory.

"I doubt it will be like last time! Come on let's go to the bathroom to investigate!" Chad urged. Uryū felt like arguing, but before he could he was dragged by the arm upstairs and toward the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Ichigo had hid Kisuke's body and was now washing his hands. Someone frantically began knocking at the door. Ichigo opened it to see his father standing there.

"Hey son, I woke up late and I really need to shower before work! May I please use the bathroom?" Ichigo's father asked and Ichigo replied with a nod.

Ichigo's dad then anxiously ran into the bathroom and shut the door while Ichigo went to his room. Chad and Uryū ran up the stairs, swung open the bathroom door, and quickly ran out. Both boys were shocked and incredibly disturbed with what they had witnessed.

"**You promised that it wouldn't be like last time!**" Uryū yelled.

"Sorry, how was I supposed to know? It really sounded like someone with an awesome hat being killed in the bathroom by an orange haired boy with a giant sword!"

Some time had passed and now Ichigo, Chad, and Uryū worked together on their Halloween costumes.

Their original plan was for the three of them plus Kisuke to go together as the cast of Naruto; Ichigo would play Naruto, Uryū as Sasuke, Chad as Sakura, and Kisuke as Kakashi, but since Kisuke had seemed to disappear without answering phone-calls, text-messages, e-mails, or even private messages on FanFiction, team seven would have to go without a Kakashi this Halloween.

"We should bring Keigo along. I heard he can do a really good English dub Sasuke impression." Chad pointed out. "If Keigo were to play the part of Sasuke then Uryū could be Kakashi."

"But I want to be Sasuke!" Uryū whined.

Chad rolled his eyes. "Fine, but I really wonder what happened to Kisuke."

Ichigo kept to himself and continued to work on his Naruto costume. He loved just how nieve his friends were in a moment like this.

He knew that it would be the right thing to let Chad or Uryū in on what had really happen to Kisuke, but at the same time Chad and Uryū were just as much his pray as Kisuke was.

Uryū stood up. "I'm going to get some fat free, sugar free water. Would any of you like something to drink?"

"Can you get me some chocolate milk? Oh and bring some of those little chocolate chip cookies that Ichigo's sisters made." Chad pleaded.

Uryū rolled his eyes. "What is with you and chocolate today? How about you Ichigo?"

"I'm fine, but let me ... Um ... Help you find the cookies." Ichigo said, standing up and making his way to the kitchen with Uryū.

As soon as the two boys had left, Chad smiled to himself. 'It's good to see Ichigo and Uryū get along.' Chad thought. 'Now they're hanging out together unsupervised in the kitchen. I'm glad Ichigo's not a serial killer because if he were this would be the perfect moment for him to kill Uryū.'

Moments later Ichigo walked back into the living room with a glass of chocolate milk and chocolate-chip cookies. Chad shifted his body in order to peer over Ichigo, but Uryū was nowhere in sight.

"Where did Uryū go?" Chad finally asked.

"Oh he's dead ... I mean he went home where he will die ... _dye_ his hair ... for the costume."

"Really? But Uryū's hair color already looks perfect for Sasuke."

"Yeah, but you know Uryū; everything must be perfect."

Chad nodded. "Yeah, that does sound like something Uryū would do."

Chad reached out and took the glass of milk from Ichigo's hands. He took a large sip, and savored the sweet, chocolaty flavor. It was at that moment that Chad realized something. It was a horrible, sickening thought, but it had to be true.

"**We forgot to buy Halloween-candy!**" Chad exclaimed.

Ichigo shook his head and pulled a Rice Krispy Square from his pocket. "Don't worry. I already took precautions. They're like the cereal, but in candy form."

Chad laughed nervously. "That's a clever invention. But are you sure Rice Krispies are safe for little kids?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't they be?" Ichigo asked.

"Well it's just ... think of how impressionable little kids are these days. If they heard Snap Crackle and Pop's message do you think they could handle it like you did?"

Ichigo let out an evil chuckle. "Like I did? Yeah I think the kids would handle things like I did, maybe even better."

Chad smiled. "Good, when you did that evil laugh I was worried you were going to say that you killed Kisuke and Uryū."

"I did kill Kisuke and Uryū." Ichigo replied. "And next it's your turn. That chocolate milk that I gave you isn't really chocolate milk."

Chad gasped. "Is it poison?"

"It's worse." Ichigo replied. "It's low-fat chocolate milk."

Chad's eyes widened in horror and started to have a coughing fit. "**You** ... (cough) ... **monster!**"

A devious smile danced its way across Ichigo's face. "Goodbye Chad. It was nice knowing you."

Chad woke up in his sleeping-bag which was being shaken by Uryū. He was still in Ichigo's house, but Ichigo wasn't there. Instead there was another familiar face shaking Chad awake. It was Uryū. Somehow after everything he was beside him.

"Come on man, wake up!" Uryū urged.

"Am I dead?" Chad questioned.

Uryū laughed. "What are you talking about?"

"Ichigo had gone psycho. He killed you and Kisuke too!"

"What?"

"Do you seriously not remember?" Chad asked seeming alarmed.

Uryū rolled his eyes. "Dude I think you were having a bad dream. Look, Ichigo's in the kitchen making Rice Krispy Squares. Get dressed and come and join us for a nice Halloween treat."

**-phantom130 5 (October 2012)**


	5. Not Another Filler Arc!

**Chapter 5: Not another Filler Arc!**

_Fillers ... I hate them! There's nothing more to say!_

_-Ichigo Kurosaki_

Ichigo, joined by Orihime, Rukia, Chad, and Uryū sat at a large table in the Soul Society surrounding Head-Captain Yamamoto.

"Ichigo we need your help!" Yamamoto said. "The evil King Filler has taken over the Soul Society! If we don't act fast the Bleach anime will be given a hundred more seasons of boring, pointless fillers!"

Chad gasped. "Then we'll never know what happens to Ichigo/Chizuru!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "What's the deal with you and slash?"

Chad shrugged. "I'm a teenage boy without a girlfriend. I'm not going to spend all my free time reading crack fics."

"I'd really like to see more Ichigo/Orihime." Orihime confessed.

"You realize you'd be paired with Ichigo then right?" Uryū inquired.

"I know!" Orihime said, her face turning a crimson red. "It's just ... I think that would be kind of cute."

"This is no time to talk about pairings!" Yamamoto said, his voice booming over the four friends. "If you can't stop the evil Lord Filler we'll all suffer! I don't want another Bount arc!"

"I don't want another Bount arc either." Ichigo said. "Believe me, one of those was more than enough for me."

Yamamoto nodded. "I'm also going to put Sosuke Aizen on your team as well. He may be evil, but he hates filler arcs just as much as we do. Keep in mind his arc was interrupted not just once, but at least twice because of fillers. I think he could be a great asset."

Ichigo cringed. The last thing he needed was to see Aizen again after chapter three, but he crossed his fingers and hoped for the unlikely chance that maybe Aizen had chosen to grow up a little and did not hit people over the head with baseball bats or frying-pans anymore. Sadly that did not happen.

Aizen casually strode into the room by himself. As he walked past Uryū, Orihime, Rukia, and Chad he individually bonked them all on the back of the head with a baseball bat.

"Hello guys." Aizen said with a goofy smile spread across his face; his eyes then narrowed on Ichigo. "Hello Ichigo."

"Hi Aizen." Ichigo replied coldly.

"Aizen, why do you have a baseball bat?" Yamamoto asked.

"Isn't it obvious Head Captain Yamamoto?" Aizen asked. "I just got back from a game of baseball."

"You did?" Yamamoto beamed. "I love baseball!"

"He's lying!" Ichigo yelled. "Aizen is a bad person! He hits people with that baseball bat!"

Yamamoto let out a jolly, Santa Clause-like laugh. "Silly Ichigo, you don't hit people with baseball bats. You hit baseballs with them."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. This was going to be a long mission.

Ichigo, Chad, Uryū, Orihime, Rukia, and Aizen hid outside of King Filler's castle talking about their plan of attack. Of course Aizen wanted to sneak in and hit King Filler with a baseball bat, but Ichigo didn't like that plan. Ichigo wanted to do something more subtle like sneak through the secret back entrance labeled with the words '_Secret back entrance without any security. Enter here for a more subtle surprise invasion than Aizen's plan'_.

"I think it will work perfect." Ichigo said.

"... I don't know Ichigo. I think it could be a trap?" Chad stated.

Ichigo shook his head. "That's ridiculous Chad. How could such an obvious and easily misleading sign be a trap? Now come on I want to kill some bad guys!"

Chad rolled his eyes. "... You've been eating the Rice Krispies again haven't you?"

"... Maybe just a bowl or two ..."

Aizen clapped his hands. "Rice Krispies? Goody, that's my favorite cereal! They give me ideas for all my best evil schemes!"

"You mean that time you tried to take over the Soul Society; that was ..."

"The Rice Krispies told me to do it!"

"How about that time you knocked Yamamoto out cold with a baseball bat?" Rukia questioned.

"Rice Krispies were involved too!" Aizen cheered.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Oh great ... It seems just like phantom130 5 to try to combine the last two chapters together too ..."

"It helps with story flow." Chad pointed out.

"Anyways Ichigo, if you think it's really safe to take that pathway then we'll support you." Rukia said.

Ichigo smiled. "Good; then let's get going!"

The others followed and Ichigo busted through the secret back entrance. Thankfully Ichigo was right; it really is impossible to be misled by a sign. (Unless it's of course one of those road sign fails that you always find on the internet. Those things are funny to read, but _very _misleading.) Either way, the back entrance didn't have security and Ichigo's plan of breaking in was a whole lot better than Aizen's plan would have been.

"Which way should we go?" Uryū asked as soon as the group entered a part of the hallway that split up into two different ways.

"I think ..." Ichigo was about to speak, but Aizen motioned for Ichigo to be quiet.

"I'm sorry Kurosaki, but evil layers are sort of my area of expertise." Aizen explained.

"Alright, then which way do we go?" Ichigo asked.

Aizen covered up his eyes and started pointing back and forth between the two different pathways.

"Eeny, meeny, miny, moe ..." Aizen muttered. He continued to recite the Nursery Rhyme until he had come to a decision on which path to take. "I pick this way!" Aizen cheered pointing to the pathway on the left.

"That's your _expert _method on telling where someone's evil layer is?" Ichigo questioned angrily.

"Yeah, is something wrong with it?" Aizen asked back.

"I think Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe is amazing when used in problem solving." Orihime said.

"You can't be serious!" Ichigo said. "You realize it's _never_ even right with this type of problem?"

"That's true, but the Nursery Rhyme is still so much fun to say! Besides, if it's really never right like you say then we'll just go the other way."

"You can't do that!" Ichigo shouted.

"Why not?"

"Because what if Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe thinks we're not going to pick the way it tells us to go so rather than giving us a false answer it actually told us the truth just to throw us off?" Ichigo questioned.

"What?" The group all asked at once.

"Look, I know what I'm talking about. No matter what we do the game will try to throw us off!" Ichigo explained.

"So what do you suggest we do then? We can't just wait here all day." Orihime said.

"Oh yes we can!" Ichigo protested.

Orihime sighed. "Whoever thinks we should continue walking please raise your hand." Everyone, but Ichigo raised their hand. "Now who thinks we should go right? Raise your hand." Uryū and Rukia raised their hands.

"And who thinks we should go left?" This time Aizen and Chad raised their hands. Orihime turned to face Ichigo. "It looks like you're the tie breaker so which way? Right or left?"

"I pick right! No, left! Darn it Orihime, this is too hard! Why can't we just turn back?" Ichigo asked.

"It's just a small decision! It shouldn't be that hard! Just pick right or left!"

"I don't know!"

"Yes you do! Believe in yourself Ichigo! Believe that you can do it, believe you know the way, and most of all believe _it_!"

"What's _it_?"

Orihime shrugged. "Sorry, it's something Naruto always says. I thought it would fit ..."

"Oh ... Well in that case I pick left!" Ichigo said causing everyone to cheer.

King Filler sat in a large, black spinney chair by his work desk. He had a sheet of line paper out and divided into thirds. On one end it said Bleach, another said Naruto, and the last section was for D. Grey-Man. Underneath each topic were several lists containing ideas for new fillers, however Bleach had the most written underneath it.

King Filler stroked his beard and gave an evil laugh. "I'm so glad that I bought the next hundred seasons of Bleach and convinced them to make each one filler! Pretty soon people will be so annoyed with waiting for the story to continue that they'll give up watching anime completely and buy the manga! But then I'll put filler in their manga, and finally I'll put filler in life! Nothing will ever happen again!"

"That is so evil!" Ichigo shouted as he and the rest of the group barged into the room. "We won't let you get away with it!"

King Filler smirked slightly. "Oh, but I already have. _He _already signed the papers making my series of fillers legally binding."

"What? Who signed the papers?" Aizen asked.

"Yeah who would support such a ludicrous cause?" Chad added.

"I signed them." Another voice said. The group all turned their heads to see Gin Ichimaru enter the room.

"Gin, why would you do that?" Aizen asked, seeming hurt.

"Isn't it obvious?" Gin asked. "I wanted ta see more Rangiku episodes."

"Gin you idiot, there will still be plenty of episodes with Rangiku! Please let's just move on with the anime!" Aizen pleaded.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Alright, then I take back mah signature." Gin said.

"You can't do that." King Filler said while holding up a signed document. "You've already signed the contract. There will be a hundred seasons of fillers and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Sorry guys I tried ..." Gin said.

"Actually take another look at your contract." Rukia said. "I think Gin signed the wrong thing. What you're holding up says a hundred more seasons of fillers for some show called Pokémon ..."

"What?" King Filler exclaimed as he reread the contract. Sure enough Rukia was right. "How can this be? I told you exactly what to sign too!"

"Sorry I musta had mah eyes shut again when ya were explain'." Gin said.

"YOU IDEOT! I'll find a way to bring fillers to you! Just you wait Bleach cast! You'll never escape the filler arcs!" King Filler scolded while slowly vanishing into thin air like a fog clearing.

"That was weird ..." Uryū stated. "... He just vanished."

"You're telling me ..." Ichigo added. "What are we going to tell Captain Yamamoto?"

"Come on let's go back. We'll think of what to say later." Aizen said.

"So let me get this straight. You let the world's most evil criminal escape?" Yamamoto said. The elder didn't seem pleased.

"Sorry sir." Ichigo replied. "We tried to catch him, but he just vanished."

Yamamoto slammed his fist on his desk in anger. "And the worst part of it all is now I can no longer watch Pokémon because it was invaded with filler episodes!"

"Sorry 'bout that ..." Gin said. "Thought I was signing the contract for Bleach."

"You did a selfish thing Gin ... But whether you did it intentionally or not you did save the Bleach anime from even more fillers so I guess I owe you my gratitude." Yamamoto said. "... Thanks."

Whispers were heard throughout the room.

"Woah did you hear that? Yamamoto actually thanked someone." Someone had whispered.

"Um ... Yer welcome sir." Gin finally said while taking a bow.

"As for you Ichigo, you spent a whole chapter searching for King Filler only to let him escape in the end. Do you realize what that means?" Yamamoto questioned.

"What?" Ichigo replied.

"It means that no matter how much fun this chapter may have been to read it's still a filler. King Filler is still out there making fillers for all of us to watch and until we catch him we will be forced to watch them. Stay on your toes young Shinigami. This fight isn't over yet."

**-phantom130 5 (November 2012)**


	6. The Ulquiorra Dating Game!

**Chapter 6: The Ulquiorra Dating Game**

_That's right ladies it's the Ulquiorra Dating Game! _

"Ichigo wake up!" Ichigo's father, Isshin Kurosaki yelled while knocking on Ichigo's bedroom door.

Ichigo lazily walked out of the bedroom in his footy batman pajamas and yawned loudly. "Dad it's the middle of the morning; what do you want?"

"One of your friends is here. He's waiting on the couch for you." Isshin said, and then he leaned over to whisper in Ichigo's ear. "Between you and me, he really needs some sun. If you could convince him to walk with you on the beach or something then that would be great. I'm worried about him."

Ichigo sighed and made his way downstairs to see what his father was talking about. The orange haired boy gave a shriek of terror when he saw that Ulquiorra was the one sitting on the couch waiting for Ichigo to wake up.

"Morning." Ulquiorra greeted casually.

"Um ... Good morning ..." Ichigo replied, none too easily. "What are you doing here? Haven't we already stopped you from taking over the world once?"

"You have, but there's something I need to ask."

"If you want me to surrender earth and allow all its residents to be dictated by Aizen it's no deal." Ichigo replied.

"No, no it's nothing like that!" Ulquiorra assured. "Although if you want to serve Aizen then I'm fine with that too. But what I really want from you is a girlfriend."

"A girlfriend?" Ichigo gasped, nearly choking in surprise. "W-why?"

Ulquiorra sighed. "Look Ichigo, in this world I've gotten everything that I've ever wanted; an antagonistic role in a popular anime/manga, great looks, and a chance at a kidnapping, but the one thing I've never gotten ..."

"Wait, that's all you ever wanted? Dude, that's kind of sad." Ichigo interrupted.

"Shut up! Look are you going to listen to my emo sob story or not?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Sorry go on about how much it sucks to get everything you've ever wanted."

"As I was saying, the only thing I still want is a girlfriend!"

Ichigo nodded half heartedly. "Ok, and what do you need me for?"

"Where can I find a girl that will be my friend?"

"What?"

"Look, I'm not familiar with these earthly customs. If it weren't for Love Hina I wouldn't even know what the term 'girlfriend' means, but one thing that still baffles even me is how do you find one?"

Ichigo laughed. "You really are clueless aren't you? Well I mean love ... Look; I don't know anything about it. I mean look at me. You'd think if I were even the slightest bit romantic then out there somewhere there should be someone who has a crush on me. But I've got a pretty good eye for when a girl likes me and so far no one does."

In the distance Orihime, Rukia, Riruka, and Nel all hid out of Ichigo's window spying on him in secret. In unison the four girls ducked into a bush and began to whisper amongst each other.

"Men ..." Nel started bitterly.

"I know." Riruka added.

"They're just so clueless." Orihime said.

At that moment Ichigo peeked out the window and saw the three girls huddled together in a corner.

"I thought I heard someone!" Ichigo said cheerfully. "You girls should come inside rather than having to bare the cold, December weather. I was just telling Ulquiorra about how no one loves me. Maybe you girls can tell him about your boyfriends."

"... Ichigo, none of us have a boyfriend ..." Rukia said blandly.

"But we'd love to come in just the same!" Orihime added.

"No, no, no, that's not how you do it!" Came a sadistic voice from inside Ichigo's house. "Trust me I'm the one you should speak to if you have any questions about love."

The group turned their heads in time to see a talking stuffed lion approach.

"Oh it's you Kon. What does a kid's plushie know about girls that I don't?" Ichigo asked mockingly.

"Well for starters I have an idea of how to find Ulquiorra a date. I saw it on TV once." Kon explained.

"What's your idea?" Ulquiorra asked.

"A game show."

"A what?"

"A game show; first we'll advertise saying anyone who wants to date Ulquiorra can be a contestant, then we'll keep the girls behind a curtain and have Ulquiorra ask them questions and at the end of the show Ulquiorra will get to pick his favorite of the contestants to date!"

"... Interesting ..." Orihime muttered. "Do you really think it'll work?"

"I know it will!" Kon assured.

"Kon, that's actually a pretty good idea!" Ichigo exclaimed cheerfully.

"No, that's a terrible idea! It will never work!" Rukia retorted, but Ichigo ignored her.

"Which one of you ladies wants to be Ulquiorra's lucky lady?" Ichigo asked looking to the group of girls.

The girls instantly huddled into a group and for the second time today went into a heated whispered debate. Finally Rukia stepped out from the circle. She gave a reluctant sigh and then answered.

"We agree to enter this contest only because we all really want a boyfriend." She explained.

"Plus Ulquiorra's kind of hot." Riruka added, her cheeks turning bright red.

The following day, Kon stood on top of a stage beside Ulquiorra. In front of the two were four curtained rooms similar to voting booths. Although the curtained rooms didn't fully conceal every contestant they did a good job at hiding their identity.

Kon turned to face off stage and gave a thumbs up to the empty theater audience. This was meant to be Ichigo's cue. The orange haired boy, Chad, and Hanatarō Yamada ran out from behind the stage and positioned their cameras so that they were ready to film.

"Good afternoon Karakura Town!" Kon said excitedly. "Welcome, to the first ever edition of the Ulquiorra dating game!"

From behind his camera Hanatarō started clapping and hollering excitedly in an attempt to make up for the lack of viewers.

"Thank you. Thank you." Kon said while bowing. "Ulquiorra, you can begin by asking the contestants anything you want."

"Who are you?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I'm Orihime." Contestant number one said.

"I'm Rukia." Said contestant number two.

"I'm Nel." Said contestant number three.

"I'm Riruka." Said Contestant number four.

"You weren't supposed to ask that!" Kon yelled. "The contestants' identities were supposed to be kept secret until the end of the show so that there would be no bias!"

"It's not like it would have mattered anyway." Ichigo prompted.

"Why not?" Kon retorted.

"Well our contest doesn't even have any voice disguisers. It would have been so easy for Ulquiorra to know who's who just by recognizing a voice."

Kon shook his head. "Not quite. Contestant number one, please say something."

"Like what?" The girl asked.

"Do you hear that voice?" Kon questioned. "Now tell me is that Orihime or my favorite voice actress Stephanie Sheh?"

"It's Orihime. She already admitted to that." Ichigo replied.

"True, but if she hadn't that would totally what you'd be asking me right now." Kon said with a wink.

"... Not really, but close enough." Ichigo confessed. "Anyways, let's just get back to the show."

Kon nodded and faced directly at the camera. "Ok, Ulquiorra, even though you've already ruined the surprise you're still allowed to ask more questions."

Ulquiorra thoughtfully tapped his chin. "Number one, if I were to ever kidnap you again in the future what beverage would you like me to bring you?"

"What kind of question is that?" Ichigo and Kon asked in unison.

"Sorry, I'm not good at thinking on the spot." Ulquiorra confessed.

"... Clearly not ..." Chad muttered with an eye roll.

"Well that's a hard question." Contestant number one said. "To be honest I never thought to ask myself that one before."

"... No duh." Ichigo muttered.

"But I suppose if anything I could really go for a glass of Kool Aid." Contestant number one said.

"What color?" Ulquiorra asked excitedly.

"Red." Contestant number one answered.

"Wow, me too!" Ulquiorra cheered. "Contestant number three, what is your most unique feature?"

"I can go from being really short to being really tall!" The girl cheered.

"Interesting ..." Ulquiorra muttered. "That would come in really handy when mommy hides the cookie jar on the top shelf so that I can't reach it."

"I like cookies!" Contestant number three cheered.

"You still live with your mommy?" Ichigo snorted.

"So? You still live with your dad!" Ulquiorra retorted.

"Touché, but even still I never pictured you to still live with mommy. I mean aren't you like a thousand years older than me in human years?" Ichigo asked.

"Not sure." Ulquiorra admitted. "Contestant number two, do you ever have trouble remembering your age?"

"I always do." Contestant number two said. "I mean how couldn't I? I look like I'm eighteen, but really I'm like ... What, a couple thousand years old? How could that not be confusing?"

Ulquiorra clapped his hands excitedly. "Yay, I was so worried that I was the only one with that problem!" Ulquiorra turned to look to the camera man. "Ichigo, I think I know who I'm going to date!"

"Aren't you going to ask me a question?" Contestant number four said angrily.

"Oh ... Uh ... Yeah, sorry I forgot about you ... Um ... What's your all time favorite holiday special?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I've always enjoyed Frosty the Snowman." Contestant number four said.

Ulquiorra shook his head in shame. "See, I can already tell you that it wouldn't work. You see you're a Frosty person where as I'm more of a Rudolf fan."

"Oh ..." Contestant number four muttered. "You're right. I guess we can't be together then." Riruka stepped out from her booth and casually walked away from the game show.

"I like Rudolf!" Contestant number one cheered.

Ulquiorra's face lit up at that comment. "Really? You're not just messing with me are you?"

"No, it's my favorite Christmas special!"

"So Ulquiorra, you said you made your decision. Which of these girls did you pick to date?" Kon asked.

"Um ... Well I was going to say contestant number two because of the age thing, but now I'm starting to side with number one. Kon, I can't choose!" Ulquiorra said.

"It's hard isn't it? Why don't we let contestants one and two out and you can ask them the tie breaker question?" Kon suggested.

"I'd like that." Ulquiorra said. Orihime and Rukia walked out of the booths and stood up beside Ulquiorra.

"Nice to see you again." Orihime said with a pleasant bow.

"How are you Ulquiorra?" Rukia asked while taking a bow to seem polite.

"Ok, I've got a question. It's sort of a philosophy question that has been on my mind for a while." Ulquiorra stated with a shaky voice. The man seemed nervous almost as if part of him didn't believe either girl would get the answer right.

The atmosphere around Ulquiorra tightened. Even Ichigo seemed nervous. The only people that weren't afraid were Rukia and Orihime. Ironically those were the two people that should be worried most. If one of them answered to Ulquiorra's displeasure the girl wouldn't be able to date Ulquiorra.

Rukia flashed Ulquiorra a competitive smile. "Ask away." She said.

Orihime smiled and clapped her hands eagerly. "I love philosophy! Ask me anything!" She cheered.

"Ok, well I'm curious how come when you order a round pizza it always comes in a square box? I mean don't you think it's misleading? My pizza is round not square shouldn't the box be square too?"

Rukia tapped her chin. "That's a good point."

Orihime rolled her eyes. "Oh come on. Shouldn't it be obvious? All the square boxes are used for round pizza because they're using all the circular boxes for square pizza."

Ulquiorra's eyes lit up. He reached out and grabbed on to Orihime's hands. "You've answered all my questions! Orihime Inoue, will you be my girlfriend?"

"I will!" Orihime cheered. She leaned in and she and Ulquiorra quickly kissed on the lips.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Darn it phantom130 5, you're leaving loose ends. I mean if that's true then why are circular boxes used for square pizzas?"

"Do you seriously not get this man?" Chad asked. "Square boxes are used for circular pizza, because all the circular boxes are used on square pizza and circular boxes are used for square pizza because all the square boxes are used for circular pizza. It's really not that difficult."

Ichigo sighed. "That's not what I meant."

Rukia walked off stage and playfully put her arm around Ichigo. "Looks like today you're short one less stalker." She teased.

Ichigo nodded solemnly. "You're right."

"You're going to have to confess to us who you love someday." Rukia said.

Ichigo gave a smile similar to the troll face. "True. But not in this chapter." He pulled his Zanpakutō out from on top on his back, pushed a button that changed it into an umbrella and used it to float away into the sky like Mary Poppins.

From the ground Rukia shook her fist in rage. "Darn it, Ichigo; why won't you just tell us who you like?"

**-phantom130 5 (December 2012)**


	7. Toshiro goes to School

**Chapter 7: Toshiro goes to School**

"_There's a new adventure in everything we do we'll all be together and you can come too when Toshiro goes to school!"_

"Threats of Aizen attacking again are on the up-rise." Head Captain Yamamoto told Toshiro one day.

Toshiro turned to the Head Captain and frowned wordlessly. Normally the Head was a pain to deal with, but this was just plain annoying. Toshiro had just woken up and somehow the Head Captain had gotten into his house and was blocking his way to the bathroom.

"You must get Ichigo from the human world and tell him to come to the Soul Society for more training." The Captain explained.

"Okay." Toshiro said. "Now can I just use my bathroom? I just woke up and really got to …"

"You shall not pass!" Yamamoto said, raising his Zanpakuto up to block Toshiro's entrance. "Go to the human world first and then you may use your precious bathroom."

Toshiro sighed. Some days the Head Captain really knew how to get on his nerves. Nevertheless, he decided it was probably best not to question the Captain's orders. Maybe he'd just use the washrooms in the human world.

Toshiro showed up a few minutes later at Ichigo's school. He went practically unnoticed as he snuck into the school's washroom to do his business. When he came out he found Ichigo sitting in the cafeteria with a few friends.

"Morning Ichigo." Toshiro said with a yawn.

Ichigo leapt out of his chair in shock. "Toshiro, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in the Soul Society?"

Toshiro lazily stretched out his body. "The Head Captain sent me. He wants you to come and see him immediately." Toshiro let out another yawn. "What really baffles me is how is it you're able to wake up so early."

Ichigo nodded. "School is cruel. Anyways, I'll go to the Soul Society right now."

Ichigo ran out of the school. Toshiro tried to keep up, but someone else stopped him by resting a firm hand on Toshiro's shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going?" An older man asked.

"I'm leaving to go help save the world." Toshiro said matter-of-factly.

"No you're not." The man said calmly. A bell rang and the man's hold loosened, but didn't let go. "I'm going to walk you to class. To make sure you don't try to escape."

"Wait, do you think I'm a student here?" Toshiro asked.

"Of course, aren't you from that pre-school next door?" The man asked.

A sweat drop rolled down Toshiro's head. "I know I'm short, but really, do you think I'm from preschool?" He asked seeming unimpressed.

"Of course." The man said in the type of voice that you'd only use around a little kid. "Now come on, let me walk you out. High school is no place for a little boy like you."

"I'll have you know, I'm a Soul Reaper! I've saved the world from Hollows more times than you can count!" Toshiro insisted as he and the man continued to walk together.

"I'm sure you did." The man said unconvinced.

"I have a sword." Toshiro used his free hand to pull the blade off his back.

"Aww, how cute." The man said.

"Hyōrinmaru, please help me out. You don't have to kill this man, just scare him a little." Toshiro pleaded.

Perhaps, and this is just a theory, but maybe the sword was too busy laughing, or maybe it was because for whatever reason Toshiro forgot to give his usual chant ("Sit upon the Frozen Heavens, Hyōrinmaru"). But for whatever reason Hyōrinmaru refused to activate and Toshiro was carried all the way to preschool, boy will this be fun.

"I've never seen this kid before." Toshiro's preschool teacher, a young woman that resembling Rangiku, said. "But if you want I could let him stay with my class until we find his parents."

"That'd be a great idea." The man agreed.

The preschool teacher crouched down beside Toshiro and soothingly put her hands on his shoulder. "Don't be afraid little boy. We'll find your mommy and daddy somehow."

"I'm full grown and a Captain for crying out loud! I don't need my parents!" Toshiro said angrily, but the woman ignored him.

"We're doing a Math sheet right now." She pointed to an empty seat. "You can sit there and work on it."

Toshiro sat down and looked at the paper in disgust. It was just a bunch of simple addition questions. Below the questions was a number and letter key labeled A through Z and one through twenty-six, each letter corresponded to a number and the page said that depending on what your answer for each question was that would eventually reveal a "secret message".

Below that was the riddle: _What do you call a sore on a police officer's foot? _Then there were several blanks for Toshiro to leave his decoded message, the answer to the riddle.

_'This is so ridiculous.' _Toshiro thought. _'When am I ever going to encounter a police officer with a sore foot? And if I ever did meet one, I don't think it would be nice to call him anything.'_

But sure enough, since this story has a habit of weird things happening, a cop came limping into the room at that very moment.

His eyes stared right at Toshio, refusing to move look as he calmly said the words, "I have a really bad sore on my foot today."

"T-that really sucks." Toshiro said in barely a whisper.

"It does." The cop agreed; his expression unchanged. "Aren't you going to say something? Isn't there a certain name you want to use?"

"Um … I don't know!" Toshiro exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I didn't complete the riddle!"

A little boy beside Toshiro raised his hand and happily shouted, "You've got a corn on a cop!"

The cop laughed and clapped his hands. "Good job little boy, because you have given me laughter, I miraculously feel better! He turned his attention back at Toshiro, his expression cold. "As for you, you need to learn some manners. Don't ever talk like that to a police officer with a sore on his foot!"

After Math was Show and Tell. Since Toshiro was required to show something he brought out the only thing on him that had any sort of value, his Zanpakuto. This sent the class in awe.

A bulky, red haired boy sitting beside Toshiro swiped the sword out of his hands. "Gimme!" He said.

"Um … little boy, I don't think it's safe for you to hold that!" Toshiro insisted.

"Now Toshiro," The teacher started in a lecturing sort of tone. "For Show and Tell you're required to pass the item around."

"But Miss, swords are dangerous! The children could hurt themselves!" Toshiro insisted, but it was already too late.

The ginger kid had been playing with the sword and "accidently" cut the head off of a young boy that looked like Sasuke from Naruto. Since this FanFiction is rated K+, there was surprisingly no blood and the kid didn't die either, but may I make mention that this scene was still pretty disturbing, because the boy's head rolled pretty far away before the teacher had to duct tape it back on.

When her job was done and the young Sasuke's head was taped back on, the teacher looked very angry at Toshiro. "You shouldn't have passed around such a dangerous toy!" She said.

"It wasn't a toy and I didn't want to pass it around!" Toshiro insisted, but the teacher didn't want to hear it. Instead she told Toshiro to stay in a corner and think about what he did.

"School is so unfair." Toshiro muttered to himself.

**~ phantom130 5 (April 2013)**


End file.

Bleach, Humor, Parody