Slayers 1. Chapter 1

A while ago on a Slayers fan forum, people started a thread of jokes using Slayers characters in the old someone walked into a bar/tavern/inn/ restaurant format. Feeling somewhat Xelloss-ish, I'm posting some of mine here.

Lina and Naga, after a long hard day of following false leads to treasures, took their weary bodies to a tavern famous for its four pound steaks. As they eased their tired selves into one of the booths, a waitress came over to take their drink orders. Lina had been a bit ticked off because the day before, Naga had managed to collect all the reward Lina felt she, Lina, had earned. She and Naga had spent half the day bikering about it. Now, however, she seemed too exhausted to argue any more and just wanted a peaceful and friendly dinner.

Lina revealed to Naga, "I've been here before. They have a really, really good, strong specialty drink here, but I'm too bushed to order it. I'll fall asleep in my food if I have any alcohol, but would you like to try it?"

"Oho, ho, ho, ho. I'm not surprised that tiny frame of yours couldn't handle it. I, however, tired as I am, really need a pick-me up, especially if it involves a new alcoholic experiment!"

Lina looked up at the waitress and said, "A tall mug of lemonade for me, please, and for my friend, the house specialty drink." As she said this she gave the woman a wink and surreptiously passed her a little "something" for her trouble.

The waitress' eyes widened a little, and she glanced over at the scantily and scarily clad, smirking sorceress. A knowing look came into her eyes as she nodded and said, "Yes, miss. I'll bring your drinks right away and then take your order." She sashayed away to the bar.

A few minutes later, she returned with Lina's lemonade and a shot glass with a very dark liquid in it.

Naga laughed her famous laugh and everyone cringed again. "That's hardly anything! I'll want another soon if it's any good!"

"It's pretty potent, miss. Maybe you will, maybe you won't," the waitress replied. "Now, may I take your food orders?"

"One of your largest steaks, a baked yam, the soup of the day, and a salad," ordered Lina. "For dessert I'd like your green tea ice cream."

"That's ALL?" Naga exclaimed. "You must be tired, if you are so off your feed, Lina. I'll have double her order, please."

"Very good," said the waitress and went to the kitchen.

Lina sipped her lemonade, while Naga, shaking her head at the smallness of the glass, downed her booze. "Hmmm. Not bad. It's very smooth and creamy. I definitely want more." She tried to raise her hand to get the waitress's attention and found she was paralyzed. Not even her bountiful endowments could bounce in indignation, although her mouth still worked.

"WHAT! Lina, you sneaky little twerp, what was that drink?"

"Oh, it's called a Shadow Schnapps. Now I can eat your dinner as well and pay for it with that reward that was really mine!" So saying, Lina smugly reached over and snatched Naga's purse.


	2. Chapter 2

Gourry Walked into a Bar, But Lina ducked, 2

Valun walked into a fancy tavern and saw a gorgeous blonde seated at the ebony bar, a glass of deep red wine held delicately in one hand and a cigarette in a long holder in the other. The bangles on her arm jingled softly as she raised her cigarette holder languidly to her lips. She crossed her legs at the knee, exposing slender, but muscular, tanned limbs, which extended from her short, slinky, white gown. Her strappy, golden sandals with spiked heels glinted in the bar's spot lights. By the foot of her stool was what appeared to be a dog with fur so dark it seemed purple in the bar's lighting.

Valun's heart skipped a beat. The woman was tall and well built. She obviously worked out. May she would cure him of his heartbreak over losing Lala/Gourry. Despite his rugged good looks, self-proclaimed bravery, and "heroic deeds," he hadn't had much luck in the romance department, but who was counting? As the woman sipped the last of her wine, Valun thought, "Ah, here's my chance to make an impression."

"Hi, there. I am the Great Valun. I've just come from slaying several minions of the Dark Lord Gaav. You are truly beautiful. May I buy you a drink?"

"Perhaps," the woman answered as she blew a lazy smoke ring in his face.

Not at all fazed, Valun approached closer, but the animal at her feet growled softly. "Does your dog bite?"

"No," she succinctly replied with a half-lidded, sexy look upon her face.

"Bartender, another of the same for the lady and a pint of ale for me, please!" He then tried to take one of the blonde's hands to avow his love to her.

The dog sprang up and took a huge bite of his thigh.

"Ah! Ah! Oh Ceiphied! That hurts! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" Valun howled while rolling in pain on the floor and clutching his thigh.

"That's not my dog," she said with a smirk, "That's my priest."

Transforming into human shape, Xelloss chuckled, "I'm not called a Beast Master for nothing despite I'm less her!"


	3. Chapter 3

Gourry Walked into a Bar, But Lina Ducked, 3

( This is a reworking of a short drabble I posted on here before. I was going to delete that former one, but since one reviewer for another story was unhappy when I deleted that story to revise it and her review disappeared, I decided not to delete the original of this because it had three reviews on it. I didn't want three people sad because they couldn't find their reviews anymore. Anyway, I think this is an improvement and adds a another little twist.)

The mid-level mazoku peeked around the doorway to the bar and observed the red-haired sorceress and the blond swordsman talking with the equally long-haired, blonde ex-priestess of the Fire Dragon as they stood at a tall table. Their backs were turned to it, and they seemed absorbed in looking at their menus, their drinks ignored for the moment. The crafty mazoku thought to itself, "Rumor has it that Lina Inverse loves that idiot swordsman. From what I heard about that thing with the Hellmaster, if I destroy Gourry Gabriev first, it will devastate her and incapacitate her for enough time to allow me to kill and phase out before the dragon can harm me. I'll succeed where my rivals didn't." He thought about creating an exact subspace duplicate of the tavern's dining room and bar around them, but decided the chaos from resulting from his "kill" would be a nice, heady dessert, too good to miss.

Suddenly the blue clad warrior turned around and a laser blast emerged from his mouth. The blast tore through the bar entrance's tacky, smirking chef statue with its sign advertisng the daily specials. In amazement the struck mazoku howled "How?" as it dissipated into dust, and everything returned to normal.

"Now can I get out of this outfit?" whined the ex-priestess.

"Our plan worked, Filia! " Lina rejoiced.

"Of course the plan worked! But I'll be glad to get out of this armor. I don't know how Mr. Gourry puts up with it," declared the golden dragon as she unbuckled the shoulder and hip guards from her borrowed warrior's outfit.

"Well, I sure can't wait to get out of Filia's dratted robes!" grumbled the swordsman, "And your priestess' helmet hurts my head almost as much as Lina's fists! It makes me cross, dressed like this!"

The innkeeper's wife grumbled and grabbed a broom and dustpan to sweep up left-over ex-mazoku from her clean floor. "That's the third one this week!" she muttered. "Stupid mazoku! Couldn't even spell meatloaf."

"Yes," Filia agreed, "The daily specials signs they held gave them away, not to mention their creepy smirks." She snorted, "Happy horror, featuring Bloody Marys " and dessert special, "Terror me sue". What a tip off!"


	4. Chapter 4

Gourry Walked into a Bar, But Lina Ducked, 4

It had started off as a very, very crappy week. The tavern keeper wouldn't believe Amelia was actually the Seyruun princess and had rejected her royal crest for payment of the meals that she, Lina, Gourry, Zelgadiss and Xelloss had comsumed. (Well, Zel had eaten normally and, yes, Xelloss. He didn't have to eat physical food, but he could and did. To everyone's surprise, more than half a caramel, pecan cheesecake, as a matter of fact. The mazoku had a definite sweet tooth. He just couldn't pass up copious servings of Seyruun's soft serve frozen custard or the sinful temptations of dessert carts, especially with anything chocolate-dark, of course. It was perhaps a quirky genetic "flaw" passed to him by his master, who, for a Dark Lord, was overly fond of alcohol and cigarettes. Then again, as Zelas was the Greater Beast, it might be expected "mother" and "son" liked certain "creature comforts", despite being astral entities. )

Anyway, the gang was faced with an enormous bill and not enough cash. They had to work it off. Amelia and Lina were forced to become waitresses, Zelgadiss, a bartender, and Gourry, a busboy. Xelloss just phased out, much to their anger, which only fed him more as he relaxed and giggled in the astral plain..

After three days of back and foot aching toil, the smell of fried foods clinging to their hair and clothes, and tempers barely kept in check, to their great joy, a couple of adventurous nobles from Amelia's court came in and vouched for her identity. Of course, at this time Xelloss phased back in.

Amelia was bouncing off the walls with happiness. It was time to celebrate. She ran down the steps to the inn's wine cellar and grabbed as many bottles of sparkling wine as she could and jogged back to her friends. The bubbly would need chilling, but that would be no problem for a good sorceress.

Just as she crossed the threshold into the room where everyone waited, her old klutziness returned. She dropped a small bottle of champagne, which, shaken by her bouncey run, burst and scattered its contents and glass all over.

Noted Xelloss as he soaked up the emotions from the drenched Slayers, "Wow. A Bomb Split! That's my kind of celebration!"

(For those not too acquainted with the terminology of alcohol consumption, a 'split' is a bottle half the size of a regular bottle of champagne. The term "Bomb Split" is in the English translated manga, The City of Lost Souls.)


	5. Chapter 5

Gourry Walked into a Bar, But Lina Ducked, 5

Zelgadiss was tired and, in a rare occurance for him, hungry and thirsty after a five days crossing of the harsh desert land of Elmekia. His relief had been great when he finally reached a large oasis town in the high desert. Its sparkling white houses and well kept streets lined with immaculately trimed citrus trees spoke of plenty, as did the colorful awnings of the many shops. From Gourry, he knew the Elemekians were a warrior people, and it was obvious from the state of the town, that success in empire building brought success in trade.

The guards at the city gate on that side of the oasis had demanded he reveal his face. When he did so, they didn't recoil. One of them just observed, "Looks like you had a rocky time of it getting here." The other added, "A boulder fellow I've never seen. Don't be blue, man. Enter and enjoy our fair city."

Zel clenched his teeth and had a difficult time restraining himself from casting a nasty spell. He just replied "Thank you," and strode in.

He encountered an old man sitting in a porch swing outside his home, which had an intricately laid out garden complete with little pond, bridge, shrubs, and immculately raked sandy areas.

"Pardon me, sir. Could you direct me to the nearest inn or tavern?"

The graybeard blinked several times and quavered, "Sorry, sonny. I expected you to have a gravely voice, you look so hardened." And the geezer shut his eyes and fell asleep.

Zel slumped, sweat-dropped, and walked on down the cobbled street. He then stopped and graciously asked a young woman where the nearest tavern was. She looked at him with wide innocent eyes and replied, "Gee, I don't think you need to get stoned. You want to come home with me? My momma said a hard man is good to fi..."

He ran off before she could finish the lewd observaton.

"That does it. This place is full of jokers. Literally. I need a good, stiff drink before I can put up with more of this," Zelgadiss growled to himself and pulled up his mask. He looked down the street and spotted the sign of a promising tavern. He gave a start, smiled, and thought, "This may be a good omen," for the tavern was called "The Sword of Light."

The chimera walked into the establishment. It was mid-afternoon, and few customers were at the tables. One old crone was nursing mug of ale at the far end of the bar. From the array of throwing knives attached to both sides of her belt and her narrowed dark eyes, she wasn't just anyone's cookie-baking granny. Zel nodded to her and sat at the other end of the bar. The bartender heard Zelgadiss sit down and suddenly rose up from under the bar. Bits of pretzel dribbled out of his mouth. Zelgadiss held back a gasp. The guy could have been Gourry's twin, except his hair was cut chin length. Could this be a brother or other relative? Had he, Zelgadiss, stumbled on Gourry's home town?

The bartender nearly choked swallowing the huge mouthful of pretzel as he tried to speak. Zel waited and wondered if he was going to have to whack the man across the back or give him the "hug of life." The blond took a big swig of something in a large mug and cleared his throat before turning to the old woman. "Can I get you anything else, auntie? "

"I'm fine, sonny. Thanks. I'm about to leave now. See to your new custormer."

The man yelled over his shoulder, "Hey, Johnny, walk her home, would ya?" Upon getting an affirmative answer from somewhere in the back, he then apologized to Zel, "Sorry, mister. My granny always told me to be nice to women and girls."

Zelgadiss smiled and replied, "An Elmekian friend's grandmother told him the same thing."

"Yeah, given the way Elmekian females can deck us, we Elmekian men know it's the safest thing to do. For instance, that sweet, old auntie there sure knows the hows of flying daggers. So, what'll you have?"

Zel looked at the bottles lined up on shelves behind the bar and spotted his favorite whiskey. He pulled his mask down, but the bartender didn't blink an eye. "I'd like a Margaes on the rocks, please."

The blond shrugged and declared, "You're the customer, but that's an expensive way to cool off." He poured the whisky into a glass and threw it in the chimera's face.

It was fortunate Zel's blinking reflexes were fast enough to prevent the alcohol from burning his eyes. As the drink ran down between the protruding mineral deposits embedded in his face, Zel sighed, "I should have expected that. Yup, definitely related to Gourry."


	6. Chapter 6

Gourry Walked into a Bar, But Lina Ducked, 6

(Every entity has a weakness. Even high level monsters do. The Mother of All sees to that. Chaos ensures we aren't bored by perfection.)

Certain other duties done for his master/creator, Xelloss decided it was time to check on his favorite beasts, er, humans, Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev. Lina was such fun, because, when combined with her rather dense companion, she was always good for an deliciously explosive meal whenever said companion inadvertantly let someting insulting or stupid escape from his mouth. The priest managed to phase in outside a rather nice inn in Seyruun, where he felt Lina and Gourry's particularly chaotic auras. To his delight, he picked up a barely suppressed touch of jealousy combined with greedy gluttony roiling off the sorceress. And what was this? A touch of lust? Had "spring arrived" finally for Lina?

Thoughts of Lina and Gourry were dashed when the multiple rows of glass cases containing the most delectable cakes, pies, and pastries confronted him at the entrance way. He had created enough of a fully functioning human body for himself that he felt drool forming in his mouth.

"May I help you?" a beautiful, long-haired, well-built woman gently asked him.

He recognized the woman as Sylphiel, although she was not in her usual priestess robes but in a frilly white dress and apron and had her hair tied back in an enormous white bow. A small, lacy cap on her head was a finishing touch.

"Miss Sylphiel, isn't it? How delightful to meet you again, my child. I haven't seen you since the final destruction of Sairaag." Given her goodly nature, Xelloss, of course, wasn't truly delighted to see her, but any discomfort was mitigated by the small surge of sadness he figuratively licked off her at his purposeful mention of the demise of her home and family.

Her eyes widened as she remembered what Lina had told her about this cheerful looking priest. Her grip on the menu in her hand tightened as she replied, "Yes, I am Sylphiel,"

"Well, my dear, I heard Lina Inverse and her companion, Gourry Gabriev, were sighted around here, and I thought this would be one of the best places to look, given their appetites. But why are you working here? I thought you were a high level priestess?"

"Oh, I am, but a cousin of mine owns this inn and restaurant, and, since I like to cook and bake, I offered to help out with the baked goods and do a bit of hostessing for him, as his wife is pregnant and can't be on her feet too much. By the way, yes, Miss Lina and D-Mr. Gourry are here. They've just gone to the baths, though."

Xelloss eyed the display cases. "Oh my, I've heard about your culinary skills. Before seeing Lina and Gourry, I'll definitely have to have something. Deciding which to try first will be very difficult, however."

"I know just the thing. Please have a seat, and I'll bring it to you. It goes exceptionally well with a Zephillian merlot. We have a very good year in stock. Would you care for some?"

Xelloss acquiesced, and she brought him a large slice of cake darker than twilight and a glass of wine redder than blood that flows.

A half hour later, Lina and Gourry returned to the restaurant section to find the purple-haired priest slumped back in his chair with a goofy grin on his face. At that moment Filia also entered. "You!" she shouted, but before she could say anything else or Lina could comment, Xelloss flapped his hands and pleaded, "Please, no anger! I'm too full already. Burp! 'Scuse me. I think I'll go get a room now and rest so I can sample more of Miss Sylphiel's wonderful desserts later." He stumbled off to the reception area, much to the surprise of sorceress, swordsman, and dragon.

"No attempts at aggravating us with "It's a secret?" " Lina asked in astonishment. "Sylphiel, are you ok? Did he try anything to feed off you?"

"Oh, he was a perfect gentleman," Sylphiel responded. "He just had some dessert and a glass of wine."

"Then why was that piece of garbage so out of it? Monsters usually feed on negative emotions to get full," Filia questioned. "What kind of dessert was it, since a single glass of wine won't do a thing to a monster?"

"Well, since Mr. Gourry is so fond of angel food cake, I thought giving Mr. Xelloss the opposite would work," Sylphiel replied.

"You mean...?"

"I served him a slice of devil's food cake, of course. After that piece, he decided to finish off the whole cake! "

(Yeah, well, silly and improbable, even in the Slayers universe, given Xelloss' nature and power. This fic-let is just a little joke based on seeing our "man" with soft serve ice cream in one scene and talking with his mouth full of a big bite of a gooey piece of cake with a cherry on top in Next.

Several people have drawn Gourry as a guardian angel, and while he isn't one, I thought he perhaps might really like angel food cake. ;-)

You can sigh in relief as after next week, the postings the idiot muse made me write will stop. I sorta have seen these as dojinshi in my head, but I can't draw. If anyone wants to use 'em as such-which would surprise the heck out of me-that's ok. Just give me credit for storylines.)


	7. Chapter 7

Gourry Walked into a Bar, But Lina Ducked 7

Lina had dragged Gourry on a long and tiring shopping spree in the magic shop section of town. The poor swordsman was loaded with books and boxes and bags of magic paraphenalia. His blue eyes looked so hang-dog pathetic through the opening of piled up packages, that a tiny tad of guilt assailed Lina. "Want to get something to drink, Gourry? I see a tavern sign, the Jumping Juniper, down the block. You can buy me a glass of chilled wine. Plus some snacks. And maybe dinner. With dessert, of course."

Gourry sighed, thinking of his poor, rapidly shrinking wallet, but agreed.

Lina strode into the establishment, while Gourry gingerly maneuvered his way in with his load. On each table and on the bar sat an ornate bottle of opaque glass. Each bottle had a gem-like hue and fanciful designs in gold, silver and gems. With a huge exhalation of relief, Gourry set Lina's purchases down on the bar, while greedy-eyed Lina looked at the bottle there. It was the most magnificent of the ones in the tavern. A card hung on a golden chain around its neck.The card read "For service, please uncork bottle."

Lina raised an eyebrow. "Gourry, do you feel anything bad about this place?"

"Nope," he responded.

"Yeah, neither do I, but I thought I'd ask, since you usually catch on to dangerous situations a second or two before I do." She shrugged and did as the card asked.

FA-WHOOSH! Out of the bottle came a male-type being with a shaved head except for a small ponytail. Although his chest was bare, he was adorned with gold loop earrings, goatee, a white collar with a black bowtie, and a bartender's apron. "What'll you have, folks?" He gave Gourry an appraising look and held up a glass and bottle, "Beefeater, tonic water, with a twist of lime, perhaps? I'd say Maiden's Prayer martini for you, little Red, but you're not old enough. For you, maybe a lemonade? I have to warn you, though, people. There's a limit of three drinks per person."

"Grrrr! Whaddya mean not old enough!" Lina dangerously growled and a glow started to form between her hands.

Gourry hastily grabbed her arms and yelped, "Lina, remember all the money you just spent shopping for magical items and books! If you destroy the place, you'll lose those things and the money you spent, too!"

That made her pause. Not only from her normal greed, but also because Gourry (!) had a reasonable point.

The bartender quavered, "Lina? As in Lina Inverse?"

"Yeah, wanna make something of it?"

The being looked to the heavens and sighed "Of all the jinn joints in all the towns in all the world, SHE walks into mine!"

Before Lina could change her mind and do damage, he added, "Drinks are on the house so the house won't be on the drinks. I'd be too out of spirits to rebuild this place from nothing, and the lamp jinn are too busy building palaces and such to do it for me."

Gourry muttered to the side, "Wise move. If rubbed the wrong way, Lina pops her cork all on her own."

"Bottle it, Gourry," Lina snarled, and decked him.

(Apologies to the creators of that old movie classic, Casablanca)

(The Muse of Low Humor has finally fled. I hope there were others who at least had a chuckle with one or two of these, even if not moved to say anything.)


	8. Chapter 8

More silliness. It's been a while, but Slayers Revolution woke the sleeping idiot writer in me again. Written, I hope, only for the amusement of those other than myself. I bow in gratitude to Kanzaka et al for their creation of these characters.

Ladies Night

Sylphiel hung up her priestess' cape and sat down at her desk in her quiet, little room at her uncle's. It had been a very tiring day with the healing of patients, aiding Seyruun's military, and teaching novices. The single bed with its hand quilted coverlet looked so inviting, as did the latest romance novel on the bedside table, but she felt she needed to study even more now that she was on her way to becoming a high priestess. Thus she wearily opened up a dusty tome she had gathered from the temple library. With her elbow propped up on the desk, she leaned her head against her hand and idly twirled a lock of her hair as she started to study. A knock on her door startled her, but she recognized the timid voice of one of her uncle's maids.

"Reverend, the Princess Amelia and Lady Lina are here. Do you wish to speak to them?"

"Of course! Please show them into the parlor. I'll be right there." It wasn't with much regret that she closed her book and left her pleasant, but lonely room.

"Princess Amelia and Miss Lina! How good of you to visit! Would you care for some tea and cake?"

Amelia started to say something, but was interrupted by Lina, who held one of the princess' wrists firmly and grabbed one of Sylphiel's. As the exuberant sorceress dragged both out of the parlor and into the hall towards the door, she chattered, "Hey, Sylphiel, you and Amelia have been working too hard and look like you need to get out and have a little fun and relaxation. While anything you serve is sure to be scrumptious, you need to be waited on yourself for a change. It's Ladies' Night at our favorite inn, and the drinks are discounted. Plus there's a great band playing. Gourry's going to meet us there after he finishes putting Phil's guards through sword practice hell."

Amelia rolled her eyes and gave Sylphiel a look that said "Might as well given in to the force of nature that is Lina Inverse and enjoy it." She managed to weakly greet the priestess, "Hi, Miss Sylphiel. She says it's for our own good. From the way I feel and the way you look, maybe she's right."

"W-w-wait, Miss Lina. I'll need to get my cape," Sylphiel stuttered.

"Hey, Maya, go up and throw down Sylphiel's cape, would ya! Quick like a Zelga-bunny!" Lina commanded the maid, who, giving a jump and little squeak, rushed off and delivered the article to the priestess.

Once Sylphiel had the cape around her shoulders, the women departed.

"Oh, yeah, they're playing my favorite song, Plenty of Grit!", Lina exclaimed as they entered the bar area of the inn. The three women then found a table near the bar and band. It was rather easy, as people moved quickly to give them good seats. Whether this was out of respect for royalty, the priestess, or the glaring, infamous sorceress is not to be examined. Lina sat facing the bar with Sylphiel and Amelia on either side of her.

After consuming several specialty cocktails, due to various drinking games based on the occurrence of certain words in lyrics in the band's various songs, the women welcomed Gourry, who then went to the bar to order his own drink. There, to his joy and surprise, he met an old mercenary friend. Of course, the friend did have to spend time reminding Gourry who he was, but the swordsman actually did finally remember. He stood with one foot up on the foot rail while leaning on the bar with his drink, and the two friends talked over old times and caught up with each other.

Meanwhile the women were definitely getting, uh, "relaxed."

With half-lidded eyes Lina looked at Gourry and smiled appreciatively and a little possessively. She appeared to think and then leaned over to the priestess, "Say, Sylphiel. You've told me you're over your crush on Gourry now. That cute captain have anything to do with it?"

Sylphiel blushed and hurriedly replied, "No, no. I haven't any time for romantic interests right now. I must study to improve my magic and also plan for the eventual rebuilding of Sairaag. The closest to romance I allow myself is a chapter or two of a novel, when I need to relax."

"But what was it about ol' jellyfish brains that attracted you to him? Did he seem such a shining hero of justice or something to you, despite his general cluelessness? "

Amelia snickered drunkenly, "Hee, hee, for Miss Lina, it was Mr. Gourry's sword!"

Lina flicked the forehead of the princess with her thumb and middle finger, and Amelia fell over backwards.

Lina smirked and gave Amelia a sideways glance, "And for Amelia, it was Zel's rocks."

"Miss Lina, You know I just want to help Mr. Zelgadis get his rocks off in the name of Justice and True Friensdhip!" Poor Amelia defended herself as she picked herself up off the floor and sat down again.

Sylphiel had to quickly spit the drink in her mouth back in her glass before she choked, and found she couldn't hold back her laughter, try as hard as she could to maintain a shocked dignity. Lina, on the other hand, doubled up with gawfaws.

As she rubbed the sore spot on her forehead, Amelia peevishly asked the other two, "What? What's so funny?"

The women couldn't speak but could only shake their heads and burst into new peals of laughter every time they looked at the befuddled princess, who started to become a little miffed.

Sylphiel finally managed to gasp, "Oh, Miss Amelia, REALLY think about what you said!"

As the candle lit, Amelia flushed crimson with embarrassment and buried her head in her arms. "That didn't come out right, did it?" she moaned.

When she more or less recovered, Lina, still chuckling, turned to Sylphiel, "Back to the original question, Sylphiel. What really attracted you to Gourry?"

Sylphiel stared over at the swordsman and got a silly grin on her face. "Well, he's handsome, brave, and kind, but it was his buns that really got me."

"Wha-!" Lina noticed how Gourry's position with one foot on the foot rail of the bar and leaning forward on said bar did seem to call attention to his lovely posterior. The inn required all weapons and armor be checked at the door or left in guests' rooms. Thus she had a view unobstructed by the swordsman's usual hip protectors. "The woman may have had good cause," she mused happily.

Sylphiel continued, "They're so well-rounded, firm, and delicious with honey butter."

It was Lina's and Amelia's turn to spit out their drinks and sweat-drop. Lina colored livid red. "Sylphiel, I had no idea you were so kinky. And with GOURRY!" she shrieked.

"Miss Lina, calm down! You can be heard over the band!" Amelia remonstrated.

At the bar Gourry cringed as he felt a hot glare from Lina hit his back. He hoped if he stayed where he was and didn't look at her, he'd be spared a spell.

Sylphiel turned almost purple in her turn, possibly from the chokehold Lina had her in, and croaked, "Oh, Miss Lina, I meant the buns he BAKED! Gods above, what did you think?!" She coughed as Lina released her and explained, "When he was recovering from his injuries after helping with the situation in Sairaag the time before he met you, I taught him to bake bread. He loved to experiment, and his strong hands and long fingers were wonderful for kneading the dough." The normally diplomatic and reserved woman look pointedly at Lina's anatomy and added, "Then again with those hands, I'm sure he could knead other things just as well, ya know?"

The next day, Amelia sighed as she paid yet another bill for fixing up a partially demolished inn and thanked the gods that even a very tipsy Sylphiel was still extraordinarily speedy at putting up defensive shields.


	9. Chapter 9

Red Veil

A growling, whistling sound awoke Gourry. Opening his eyes, he found his vision was clouded by redness. Breathing was difficult, due to what seemed a weight on his chest. With difficulty he raised his left hand to his upper body and encountered something warm, wet, and sticky. His legs felt immobile. He turned his head to the right, and through the red veil he noted the destruction around him. He smiled softly and thought to himself, "I'm happy that I've proved the worth of my sword to Lina. Ahhh! But it's time to go now."

Chuckling at the euphemism Xellos had once again used yesterday, he brushed henna'd locks out of his face, and gently removed the sleeping, drooling, naked sorceress from his torso to lay her at his side. Quietly rising from the honeymoon bed, he carefully picked his way through the wildly scattered clothes and remains of their last night's celebratory feast provided by the inn and headed to the water closet to relieve his bladder. He wondered who won the drinking contest at the bar, last night, Xellos or Naga?


End file.

Slayers, Humor