Harry Potter 1. Fire Down Under

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing**!"

Ch 1

Harry wasn't quite sure what had happened.

One minute he was the hero of the wizarding world, having just defeated Voldemort and fulfilling the prophecy. He had killed off both of the Malfoys, as well as ending the Nott's, and Goyle's lines. The last thing he really remembered, he was on his way to try and talk to Hermione. He had seen Ginny and asked if she had seen Hermione. Ginny had told him that Hermione was "comforting" Ron for his losses during the battle. He was crushed, but he realized Hermione had made her decision and left him for the ginger human food disposal. Ginny tried to comfort him, and offered him a drink of pumpkin juice.

The next thing he knew he was in front of a goblin signing over all of his rights, vaults and titles to his... _**brides**_? Somehow, he had ended up with several wives as part of a harem? He looked and saw Ginny Weasley, Romilda Vane, Pansy Parkinson, Marietta Edgecombe, and...Milicent Bulstrode? He found that Ginny would become Mrs. Potter, Romilda - Mrs. Black, Pansy -Mrs Malfoy, Marietta-Mrs. Nott, and Milicent-Mrs. Goyle. It seems that by ending a line, he was responsible for both their debts (having in the case of the Death Eaters, given all their wealth to the war effort), and the continuation of the line. Ginny had convinced him this was the only way to avoid Azkaban and by signing everything over to the girls before marriage, the goblins could not punish him for the break in. He was still however banned from entering Gringotts, and was forced to wait on a bench outside with his wives purchases while they took care of business. In a whirlwind of taffeta and moldy lace, Harry had been brought in front of the Wizengamot and married to the girls.

Due to the trauma of dying, and fighting Voldemort and his Death Eaters, Harry was unable to even perform his "husbandly duties" in the bedroom on his wedding night. The girls had sent him out to the couch, and all that night, he had been forced to listen to their moans and cries of anguish. At one point, he had heard them beating against the walls as they screamed out their disappointment. Harry was a failure, everything had looked so bright after the war, but now Harry was despondent. Due to his inability to perform, he would not be able to have children with his wives, so his dreams of a big happy family were also destroyed.

He was now working quintuple shifts as an Auror, Quidditch star, night shift guard at Diagon Alley, Ministry of Magic employee, and attending events around the world as a celebrity/public speaker for a book that Marietta had ghost written for him. He was forced to frequently use a time turner to attend all of the multiple jobs, and satisfy his wives desires to be at numerous parties, balls, and events.

Frankly, if he did not feel a sense of responsibility to his wives, he would just point his wand at his head and cast a reducto. Maybe he could have Ginny take out a large insurance policy on him, and he could be a little slow on the draw the next time he was fighting a rogue wizard?

He wished he could just talk to Hermione, she had always given him such good advice, but he was no longer able to contact her. According to Ginny, Hermione had broken things off with Ron and joined a coven of witches that were notorious for their short hairstyles, magical motorcycles, and lack of interest in "proper wizards". She still supposedly worked in the Department of Mysteries, but due to Harry's overuse of the time turner, he couldn't get near the DOM without feeling very out of sorts.

Harry sighed.

Harry looked at the modified Marauder's map/planner he had developed to keep track of his whereabouts and whenabouts. He saw that Ginny was working out with her Quidditch trainer, Romilda was with her potions tutor, Pansy was at the day spa with her masseuse, Marietta was supervising the pool boy, and Milicent was talking with the magical Pizza delivery boy. Harry had always wondered why she ordered each pizza separately, she had on average of 3-4 pizzas delivered a night. Ginny had explained that she simply had a large appetite.

Between his 5 schedules, and his wives' hobbies, he never had time to spend with them alone, or even as a group. He decided to make an appointment with them for next week when he had his first day off in 3 years that actually coincided with all of his numerous responsibilities, and decided he would get them all a nice present to make up for the neglect he had shown them.

Hopefully, he could find a way to stop using the time turner, and work out a way to make his family happy.

**A/N** I know, I know, I am a horrid bastard. I just keep going back to how naive and blindly trusting Harry was in the books. He forgives everyone and named his child Albus Severus for god's sake. Hell, if he had married someone besides Ginny, he would probably let MoRon "borrow" his wife for a while like a broom. He was so easily manipulated, and the fact that everyone seems to be writing H/Harem fics lately, this thought popped into my head. It seems feasible, and sadly believable. So yes, Harry is married to the fearsome five.

**But!**

I can go one of three ways with this depending on interest and feedback.

1. Harry gets his shit together and solves his cranial rectal inversion tendencies.

2. Harry works it out with his wives, and we get a JKR-esque "happy" ending

3. Harry gets bailed out of Hozkaban (tm) by a mystery savior.

Let me know what you all think.


	2. Option 2?

**A/N** Yeah, I won't be going with option 2. So no worries there. Well sort of. Just read it, and the notes at the end. I would say trust me, but those of you who are regulars, know that I can throw out some wacky stuff. As a warning, this will be a different fic. Still funny, but not my normal humor. If you want some cracky lulz, just check out some of my other stuff. For that matter take a look at my profile and let me know what you would like to see me continue next.

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing!**"

Ch 2

Harry was looking around Diagon Alley for something to make his wives happy. He had several gifts already, but he wanted to get supplies for a party as well. As he was walking past Knockturn Alley, he saw a new store just on the corner.

He couldn't make out the sign, as it appeared in an odd language he did not recognize. There was a flag hanging outside that looked like a red pennant bordered by black on top of a longer yellow pennant bordered by white on a field of green. He entered into the store, and found himself in a bizarre little store that had bags of Demerara sugar, large pieces of bauxite ore, several stuffed jaguars, and large crates marked with Peoples Temple Agricultural Project on the side. They were currently being unpacked, and the store was quite a mess. He continued to browse, being greeted several times by extremely friendly people. Oddly, he was reminded of Luna. He really didn't find anything to interesting, although he was invited back several times for the grand opening with free food and drink and a "special" sale. He knew if the girl's got wind of this he would be forced to attend.

Just as he was leaving, a young man walked up to him and invited him again to the grand opening. He mentioned that the entire Wizengamot would probably be in attendance. Harry declined, hoping he could avoid telling the girls, but knowing he would probably be forced to attend. The man smiled, and offered him a small dark red potion, that had a label "J.J.'s Super Magical Flavor Aide Supplement", suggesting it for the party that Harry had discussed throwing for his wives. He said that it would make the party one to remember for the rest of their lives. Harry thanked the man, and hurried home to prepare the food and drinks for the party.

Harry was drinking pumpkin juice, saving the special beverage for his girls, hoping for a fresh start with them after all of his failures. As they arrived, they were upset about canceling their plans, but as he rubbed their feet, and gave them their presents, their mood improved. As the night wore on, the girls became more and more happy and Harry was glad he had made the flavored drink for them. They almost seemed tipsy, and he wondered if the beverage was alcoholic or had some other odd effect. He probably should have asked what was in it, but the man was so nice. He decided to try some, and found it quite tasty. The girls were starting to doze off, and Harry sat down amongst them, knowing everything was going to work out just as it should.

Harry was starting to doze off, and had a small daydream. He was standing at King's Cross Station, and he was surrounded by his wives and children. Oddly none of the children looked like him, and one that was holding on to Ginny actually had very dark skin, and reminded him of an old school mate. All of his wives had gained a large amount of weight, were berating him for his failures, and could easily have eclipsed the sun, or at least Molly. He shuddered, closed his eyes and said to himself, "What the hell was I thinking? I swear on my magic I wish I had never married these harridans!"

As Harry breathed his last, a blue flash surrounded him, and the frown lines around his eyes and mouth faded as the tension left his body for the last time.

Suddenly Harry was back in King's Cross Station. He warily looked around, hoping to avoid his wives and the hellions. But no one was there. Where the hell did every...

one...

g...

**Shit.**

"Alright, you old bastard! Where the hell are you? I don't know whose idea of a sick fucking joke this is, but I have an elder wand that's about to get shoved sideways up someone's arse in about two seconds if I don't get some answers! And so help me god, if I hear a prophecy that involves me I am going to lose my shit!" ranted Harry.

"Wow pup, are you not getting any or something?" came a familiar voice. "Cause you seem kind of cranky!"

"Si-Si-Si--Sirius?!?!" stammered Harry.

"Yes, that is a serious situation, it explains quite a lot, and Oi! Gerroff! Just cause you aren't getting your ashes hauled doesn't mean I want you humping my leg" laughed Sirius.

"Shut it mutt! I missed you, now what the hell is going on?"

"Kids, no respect for.." Sirius paled as his eyes crossed at the Elder Wand pointed at his nose, held by a growling Harry.

"Really Harry, all that growling is bad for your throat, it.."

**POKE**

"Right. Well it's like this Harry, you got love potioned by pretty much everyone of your "wives" during the celebration after defeating snakelips. Turns out that much Amortentia pretty much frys your brain for a few years, kills your libido, and makes you very susceptible to suggestion. You got railroaded into being the fearsome five's bank and entry into polite society." explained Sirius.

"Fuck me!" groaned Harry.

"Sorry pup, I know I would probably be an improvement over those girls but.."

**POKE**

"Dammit Harry, that hurts! I am trying to help you here! Now we can send you back in time, but only a day or two. And when are you going to learn about being so trusting? I mean some random bloke hands you a potion and you drink it up? Really? You better pull your head out, or if not I definitely suggest staying away from the rainbow district of Knockturn Alley..."

**POKE**

"Oi! Lay off, I.."

"What do I need to do Sirius?" growled Harry.

"Well, here's the thing pup, I can't tell you what to do, and while Fate feels sorry for you, she can't intervene directly. You basically have to choose, Door #1, or Door #2." explained Sirius.

"But I keep my memories and..." asked Harry.

"Not exactly, you will remember the scene you saw in the future, and you won't have the Amortentia in your system anymore, and the side effects should be all gone, but you won't remember this conversation. You should definitely notice things that went right over your poor little fried head before though." explained Sirius.

"Seriously, that's it? I get another steaming load of misery dumped on my life and that's all the help I get?" whined Harry.

"That's my name.."

**POKE**

"Owww!! Damnit Harry! You're going to make my forehead look as dimpled as a golf ball! Ok, look your time is almost up, I really can't help you much, you have to make a choice, but remember go to the new store, and ask to speak to the owner. We are all happy here, but it's not your time yet. You've got to choose Pup! One or two, hurry!" said Sirius. He hugged Harry, and as he shoved Harry towards the two doors, he started to fade away.

Harry stood in front of the two doors thinking.

"**Shit.**"

Now what was he supposed to do?

A/N Yeah, there was no way I could go with Option 2, but I thought I could have some fun with it. Either way, Harry will pull his head out a bit. Remember, option 1 is all Harry, the other option Harry still pulls his head out, but gets a lot more help from outside sources.

Thanks for all the reviews and feedback!


	3. Harry Potter! Let's Make a Deal!

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! **Nothing**!"

**A/N:** I have most of the story planned out at this point, and just need time to write. Of course at the same time, I am trying to work on the Unmentionables, as well as fend off some cracky bunnies. Plus those wonderful folks over at CaerAzkaban, 3 or 4 Part Harmony, and See'lvor's yahoo groups keep writing such great stuff.

As for this story, there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.

And it's not the Knight Bus!

So the stage is pretty well set, and the action should make up for the first chapter or so. I do have one request, if you don't like it, msg me, or leave feedback. I tend to be subtle with stuff, and have plots within plots going in my stories. If you just read the first chapter, you probably won't like most of my stuff. Well at least the longer stories take a while to set up.

Thanks for reading!!

Apologies to Bill Cosby...

**Ch 3**

Harry stood in front of the two doors, trying to decide which fate to pick. He looked back and forth for a few minutes, face palmed, and looked up into the sky.

"Really Fate? This is the best you can do for me? You've used me like a dirty sock on a pimply faced teen aged boy's nightstand for my whole life, and your idea of making things right by me is some twisted rip off of a game show? And instead of the obligatory hot models to show me my options, I get

Sirius? Thanks. Really. Appreciate it. Why not give me another prophecy to deal with while you're at it. I mean, Merlin forbid I just get to enjoy the rest of my life and get a hummer now and then.

Noooooooo! Let's make Harry Potter the bottom for a bunch of gold digging, troglodyte whores, take everything that is important to him, and isolate him from his best friend. Hey, while you're at it, why not make me have to work five jobs to keep the whores in KY and batteries! Oops! too late!" ranted Harry.

**DING!** "Harry." came a soft, sensual voice.

"First, you let the wizard version of Evil Ken kill my parents, then I get Albus "I've-got-so-many-titles-that-I-know-better-than-everyone-else" Dumbledore involved in my life, who dumps me on those damn refugees' from the zoo's doorstep. Leaving me on the first of November at 2 AM, with a wet nappy in chilly weather? Not like I've had the opportunity to use it, but I nearly got frostbite down there! Then I get to spend the next ten years of my life as a..." raved Harry.

**DING!** "HARRY." came a slightly louder, but still sensual voice.

"...bloody house elf, didn't even know my own name, never had a birthday, beaten, abused, and living in a cupboard. Then I finally get a ray of hope in my life, find out I'm a wizard and that my parents weren't useless drun..."

**DING!** "HARRY!!" came an annoyed, but still sensual voice.

"...ks, I get to go to Hogwarts, spend the next seven years trying to deal with a moron who is jealous of everything I own, a sexy bookworm who puts me in the "friends zone" before I even realize I love her, and nearly getting killed, or having someone I know, love, or am otherwise close to die for the next seven years. While I am trying to dodge death, I also have to keep from getting entrapped by crazy stalker fangirls! I go through hell, die, suck it up and come back and kill the dark lord fulfilling the stupid prophecy, and then less than thirty minutes later, I become the craziest stalker fangirl and her batch of bitches schmuck! Why me? I've been the good little boy...Well... at least most of the time I have been and..."

**KRAKA-BOOM!** "**HARRISON JAMES POTTER**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" came a put-the-fear-of-god, and lead-in-your-pencil voice.

"....mum?!?!?!..." whispered Harry, slowly turning around.

"Not exactly." snickered a calmer Fate.

Harry slowly unpuckered, untensed, and opened his eyes. In front of him stood a scantily clad, amazon of a woman. She was perfection in motion as she walked forward, and placed a finger under Harry's chin, closing it with an audible click.

**SNAP SNAP** "Eyes up Harry! Look, I admit, I've dealt you a shitty hand, but I had plans for you that would have made up for it once you beat Voldemort, but...well I have to keep my eyes on a lot of things, and...I sort of got distracted for a minute there...and I let those little bitches get their hooks into you. So since it's sort of my fault, I figured I should make amends. Strictly off the record and all, wouldn't want this in my performance review or anything..." muttered Fate.

"Right, so why should I believe you? You haven't exactly treated me all that well so far!" exploded Harry.

"Look, I solemnly swear to tell you the truth from here on out, OK Harry? I am trying here!" huffed a frustrated Fate.

"Wait, so I was supposed to be happy, but you got distracted?? You're Fate! How the hell does that happen? Were you saving an alternate time line or something? Preventing a cataclysmic meteor impact? Some super virus? What happened?" asked a wide eyed Harry. He felt somewhat better knowing his suffering had some sort of benefit to the universe at least. He was so busy pondering what could have been so important that he would be subjected to the hell he had been in that he almost missed the next words that came out of Fate's mouth.

"_._" said Fate under her breath as she shyly looked away, while rubbing the back of her head with one hand, desperately hoping Harry would miss her words.

"You had to stop the English from burning? Was it like some sort of out of control Fiend Fyre or attack from outer space?" questioned Harry.

"_gotstuckinthetoaster_" said Fate, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but here.

"How the Hell did England get stuck in a toaster? Wait a second. Did you just tell me that I am stuck with the Whoring Harpies because you weren't paying attention to your job, and were fishing a bloody English Muffin out of a toaster!!! What the hell? OK, that's it. I'm done. No more talking with you, who's your super? I want to talk to someone with their shit together. I refuse to let you destroy or defecate on any more of my life. Hop to it!" yelled Harry, crossing his arms over his chest with a frown worthy of Snape.

"It was my last muffin, and the stores were all closed, and I was sooooo hungry! C'mon I'll make it up to you, don't report me! They'll have me back working as a janitor in the Evolution department. What will it take? I'll be a good girl, we'll get you a better harem and let you get revenge, and.." pleaded Fate, desperate not to end up demoted again. It had taken her eons to work her way back up the ladder after that whole episode with the dinosaurs and turning the A/C down too low.

"Blow me!" said Harry.

"Fine!! Hold on a sec and I'll fish it out" sighed Fate as she dropped to her knees in front of Harry, and started undoing his pants.

Harry was frozen for a second, well, she was smoking hot, and had a fabulous rack, but...

"NO EFFING WAY!" screamed Harry, shoving Fate's hand out of his pants, and scrambling backwards away from the kneeling Fate. "Knowing my history with you, you'd sneeze and bite it off or something..."

"Oi! I'll have you know I don't offer that to just anyone! And I'll have you know I am not a biter, and have never had a complaint before!" shouted Fate, still on her knees, as she crossed her arms and glared at Harry. "So get back over here and let me suck you off!"

"..." Harry's eyes were glazed over as he took in the shelf effect Fate's arms caused on her rack. He suddenly shook his head, trying to clear his mind and get his Occulemency barriers back in place. "Forget it, you might not be a biter, but I can only imagine what could go wrong. I poke you in the back of the throat with my todger, and you hiccup me into a girl, and I get sent back to be an Inferi Draco and Lucy's baby machine to destroy the world or something crazy." laughed Harry.

"**WHAT!** You little bastard! Ok, Fine. You don't want my help? I'll fix your ass!" growled a slightly disappointed Fate. With that she snapped her fingers, as the Hogwart's Express released a cloud of steam. As the steam cleared people began to fade in, and the noise levels rose, resembling the last scene Harry remembered from his pre death nightmare. Unfortunately, Harry was still ranting and a bit distracted.

"I mean, how much more can this crazy chick screw up my life? Turn me into the twin of some ponce fake "Boy-who-lived" and I have to spend my life bailing him out? Make me Snape's illegitimate bastard son from his affair with my mom? Have Sirius...and...Remus...be..." trailed off Harry. Noticing for the first time that Fate was gone, and that he was back in the "living world", he looked around frantically.

"Fate? You still here? Uh.." whispered Harry, afraid to draw attention to himself, and thinking a cupboard did not sound all that bad. Suddenly, Harry froze in terror, as he saw his shadow disappear as a localized solar eclipse occurred.

"HARRY! WE WANT TO GO SHOPPING WITH OUR MOTHERS-IN-LAW, SO YOU WILL BE CARRYING ALL OF OUR BAGS, AND THEN YOU NEED TO RUB ALL OF OUR FEET! HERE! DRINK YOUR PUMPKIN JUICE!!" screeched Ginny as she waddled up behind him.

"Fate? Fate!?!? FAAATE!?!??!!?" screamed Harry, shaking in fear.

**DING!** "Hmmmm? Something I can do for you Harry?" came the familiar sensuous voice of Fate.

"OK Fate, me and you right? Cause I knew all the time..." sighed Harry, as the bustling harridan and crowd faded back out.

A/N: Next Chapter- Smut Ho! And Harry finally gets put on his path and back into the world of the living. The pace should be much better, and hopefully more in everyone's taste. Still lots of twists and turns to come. I'll be honest, this started off as just a fun little Harem!Harry spoof, and it has definitely grown. If I can pull it off, I think I will shock and surprise you lot. :)


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Harry Potter, Parody