Ninja Turtles 1. Chapter 1 Falling to pieces

~Hello, I Hate You~

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**Summary: **Set before the 2007 CGI movie. When Raphael hears that his older brother is to be sent off to the forests of South America, he explodes. How dare his brother abandon his family like this, all in the name of becoming a better leader? Well, after hearing this Raphael does the only logical thing. He follows him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own TMNT. All rights belong to their respective owners. All I own in this case is the plot for this story, and the computer used to type this.

**A/n: **I wanted to see what it would be like if Raphael tried to follow Leo. I kind of expected him to be angry at Leo after he didn't come back when he was supposed to. So I thought I'd write something about Raphael going after Leo so he could drag his shell back home to his family.

So, in this fic there will be no NightWatcher. *Gasps* I know, it's horrible but true ;) Also, I was tossing up the idea of adding a few song lyrics to this story but decided against it. Instead, I've created a playlist of songs I think fit into this story and the characters, so that you can listen to the songs if you choose while you read this.

So far the list goes as so:

**Breathe**, _Taylor Swift_, **Broken**, _Seether_, **Crawling back to you**, _Daughtry_, **Everybody hurts,** _Avril Lavigne,_ **Far away**, _Nickleback,_ **Going under,** _Evanescence,_ **Hero**, _Skillet,_ **Iridescent,** _Linkin Park_, **Iris,** _Goo Goo Dolls_, **The Kill,** _30 Seconds to Mars_, **Lullaby**, _Nickleback_, **Numb**, _Linkin Park_, **Perfect**, _Simple Plan,_ **Raise me up**, _Westlife,_ **The Reason,** _Hoobstank_, **Save Me**, _Stained__**,**_** What hurts the most**, _Rascall Flatts_, **What I've done**, _Linkin Park_, **You found me**_, the Fray._

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-Chapter One-

_Falling to pieces_

~Raphael's POV~

When I first learnt that Leo was going to be sent off to some jungle halfway across the world from us, I didn't know how to feel. At first I felt numb, like everything was playing out in slow motion, and seen through a fuzzy haze. But then the numb feeling slowly left me, and I was filled with something I was more akin to; Anger. Anger and hurt and betrayal filled me until I was consumed by a raging fire of unstable emotions that threatened to boil over at any moment.

I don't know exactly what I did or said, but I have a pretty good idea it involved a lot of swearing. That sounded like me. I know I screamed a lot to. And I think I hit something. A wall perhaps? And I know I threw something, probably a chair. I don't know. All I remember is running so fast that it felt like my feet weren't even touching the ground. I ran for miles, through the sewers and across the rooftops of New York City that had more or less become my second home over the years.

I don't remembering stopping, but I must have at some point because the next thing I remember is waking up under a freeway on the outskirts of the city. My shell-cell beeped and informed me of all the unread text messages and unanswered calls left there. I guess my family was worried about me and wanted to know where I was, but at that moment, I couldn't have cared less. I remember balling my fists and crunching the shell-cell like it was nothing but an autumn leaf.

I knew I wasn't ready to just go home either. I was still angry and hurt. I needed time to blow off some more steam, and I couldn't do that back in the lair.

I remember it being a cold day, and I wish I had stopped to take my trench coat and hat with me, but my blind rage at the time hadn't cared about the weather. It was late autumn, the time of year when the sky was like an artist pallet, but filled only with soft blues and greys. It was the time of year when the air was always cold and stirred with a cold breeze that made you stuff your hands deeper into your pockets and pull your jacket tighter around you. It was the time of year when the days were becoming shorter and the nights longer. It was when the ground was starting to freeze under your feet and all the trees had shed the last of their leaves, leaving them exposed and naked to the rest of the world.

I could see my breath misting the air in front of me, like a white, cold cloud. My fingers felt frozen, and the cold prickled my exposed skin like an army of needles and pin pricks. I blew on my hands in an attempt to warm them up, but gave up after a few minutes. If anything, the weather should have been enough to make me calm down and turn around to go home, to the warmth and safety of my family, but I was too stubborn. I didn't care if icicles grew on my body; I was _not_ going to go back, not yet anyway. My wounds were still raw and I needed more time to lick them.

I was thankful there weren't a lot of people around. They had obviously been driven into their warm homes by the onset of winter. I could imagine happy families sitting in front of a warm crackling fire, or sitting at the kitchen table with a hot dinner and a steaming mug of hot chocolate. The thought made me bitter and sour, more so than I already was, and that ach in my heart returned from envisioning things I didn't or _couldn't_ have.

Even though it was late in the morning and the sun shone weakly from behind a film of clouds, I stayed out, sticking to the shadows of the rooftops as I made my way slowly across the town. I wasn't in a rush. I stopped every now and then to admire the view from a particularly high rooftop, or just stopping to watch people rush by; occupied in their own little lives that were so different from mine. They were so far away that they felt alien and foreign to me.

I let the sights and the sounds of the city I knew and loved so much consume me and comfort me. I felt like I knew every nook and cranny in the city, every little space, every building and every subway tunnel. At times it felt like the city was consuming me, and that I was suffocating in the concrete jungle of my home. It wasn't hard to envision being in another place, standing on top of a particularly tall building and looking out over the city to the cerulean ocean waters, imaging the rest of the world that lay just outside of my grasp. But then, thoughts like this always reminded me of what was happening back home, and that whilst I may still be stuck here, my eldest brother wasn't going to be for much longer.

Feeling my anger return, I growled at the scene that moments again had been so comforting, and leapt to the next building, already trying to forget the scenery of my brother's escape route. The concrete felt right under my feet, felt like it was supposed to be there. I couldn't imagine running on anything else. These hard rooftops were all I knew.

Minutes turned into hours as I continued to make my way back into the heart of the bustling city. I would crouch down on the rooftops, hidden from sight, and watch other people live their lives. I watched a tall man in a pristine business suit stand in line to buy a hotdog, trying not to get any mustard on his expensive clothes. I watched as a mother pushed a stroller by, her baby wrapped safely in a nest of blankets, whilst she talked on her mobile phone. I watched as two teens walked hand in hand down the street without a care in the world, oblivious to everyone else around them. I watched as a homeless man dressed in ragged and tattered clothes sat down on the sidewalk, staring up at the overcast sky with a smile twitching on his lips.

So many different people, with so many different lives and experiences and stories to tell. It made me wonder if any of the people I saw go by had a life like mine. I seriously doubted it. I could see a few angry faces and could see a few tears and hurt faces amongst the crowds, people carrying broken hearts around inside an empty shell, but no matter what their sad story may be, I knew it was nothing like mine. How many of these people could say that their brother, that their lifeline, was abandoning their family? Not a lot I could guarantee.

After a while I got fed up with watching other people's lives. They all just seemed to bloody perfect, compared to the life I had to live. So I moved on, silently hopping from one rooftop to the next, blending in to the shadows. I didn't know which I way I was going. I didn't even care if I got lost, or never made it back home before dark. Right now I needed a distraction, and a good distraction for me is to be out with the rest of the world, even if I have to hide in the shadows like a freakin' vampire to do so.

I stopped after a while. I was starting to get tired, and my stomach was dutifully growling, signalling to me that I hadn't eaten for more than twelve hours. I should have stolen a hotdog when I had the chance. Instead, I crawled up onto a ventilation shaft, letting the cool metal bite into my flesh. I sighed and let my limbs dangle lifelessly. I should try to meditate or something. I know if Master Splinter was here that's what he'd be telling me to do. Leo probably would to.

_Leo. _The name sent flares of fury bolting down my spine and igniting my blood. _That selfish pompous jerk! How could he just walk away from us, after sixteen years of only having each other? How could he abandon us so he can become a better leader? If he wants to be a better leader he should just stay here, with us!_

And that's when I realized what I was doing. Leo was leaving us alone, but _I _was the one who just upped and left my brothers behind to deal with Leo's leaving. They were still in the lair, trapped with that arsehole. I should be there for them. I should be there for them, and to yell at Leo for them, because I knew they were to kind for that. They never raised their voices, not if they could help it.

Poor Mikey. He'd be feeling so alone, and so frightened. He'd be worried that our family is slowly starting to crumble around us, and there's not a damn thing he can do to stop it. And Donnie, he'd be trying to analyse every little detail, trying to find the logical reason behind Leo's sudden departure. But there wasn't a logical explanation. He was leaving, end of story.

"It's alright bros, I ain't gonna leave you to," I growled out loud, even though I knew they couldn't hear me.

Leaping to me feet, I raced across the rooftops with a renewed purpose. I didn't care too much for sticking to the shadows anymore. I just wanted to take the fastest route home, dammed be all if people saw more or not.

It's funny to think that, only moments ago, I had used this world as a distraction to forget about my own world. Now, this world was nothing but a blurred background as I sped across the rooftops, racing back to my own world, deep beneath the city.

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**A/n: **I hope to update as regularly as I can, but I cannot make any promises. I am really determined to finish my story 'Redemption', before I dedicate my time to any other stories.

Please let me know what you thought ^^

~Catalyst


	2. Chapter 2 This pain I feel inside

-Chapter Two-

_This pain I feel inside_

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~Raphael's POV~

The city flew by as nothing but a blur as I raced across the rooftops. I hadn't realized how far I had come last night. I was halfway across the freakin' city! But the distance didn't matter. All I knew was that I had ta' get home and set Leo straight. He _couldn't _leave us, even if it was for training. He couldn't just _abandon _us here to this life. Even though I hated ta' admit it, he was the string that had held us together for so long, I couldn't just let him cut it and break everything and everyone.

The sun was rising higher into the sky, and I guessed tha' time ta' be somewhere around ten. Hopefully I could get back ta' the lair in twenty minutes or so, if I kept this pace up anyway.

That was one thing I was good at; running. And though I might not be as fast as Mikey, I can certainly run fer' the longest. I guess it's something I've always done. Whenever I feel like my angers going ta' get the better of me, whenever I have a fight with Leo, and whenever I feel like I'm suffocating, I run. It's pure and simple. It ain't got no rules or regulations to it. It doesn't need your entire concentration, like practising a new katana or meditating. It's just wild, pure and simple.

You run and you don't stop. I like tha' feeling' of my lungs burning, I love the feel of my muscles aching, 'cause it gives me something else ta' think about than the pain or guilt or anger I'm usually feelin.' I don't tell my brothers this, hell I don'[t tell anyone this, but I think Master Splinter might have figured it out by now, but the main reason why I run all the time is because a small part of me believes, that if I run hard and fast enough, I can outrun all my problems, which is what I tied doing last night. Except, after I've run as far as I can go, and I think I've left my problems behind, my legs give out with exhaustion, my problems always seem to catch right back up ta' me.

This time though, I ain't runnin' to escape my problems. This time I'm running right _back _to em'. But as I run, my brain has time ta' think. Am I just being selfish? _Should _Leo listen ta' Master Splinter and go? And if he does, _will _this actually _help _him? Maybe I should just let him go. Maybe he needs this, though I don't know why. Despite me not wantin' ta' say it, Leo ain't never failed us before, and I _know, _I know with every fibre of my body, that he _never _will.

I shake my head ta' try and get rid of the thoughts. Sure, me and Leo have always fought before. We've fought ever since we were little. It was a habit we just couldn't grow out of, despite Master Splinter's hope that we would. Everyone thinks I fight Leo all the time because I'm jealous that he was chosen as the leader and I wasn't. But that ain't the truth, well, not the whole truth anyway.

At first, it wasn't jealousy. Since a very small age I knew that I had ta' protect my brothers from everything in the world, everything that could hurt them. And though I ain't exactly the 'open and sensitive type', I care for each of my brothers more than they will ever know. So I grew up, keeping this role to myself, and doing everything that I could ta' keep my brothers safe. I made sure that I was always there ta' protect them, whether it be from Purple Dragons or nightmares.

So when Master Splinter made Leo the leader, I felt as if that role, the role of protecting, had been stolen from me. It felt like I had failed, and Master Splinter wanted someone else to protect our family. It stung for a long time, and still does now. When we were growing up we all sorta knew who we were. Mikey was always the little brother; the prankster and the one who would always joke and laugh and just make you smile. Don was the smart one; the doctor and brains of the family, creating things that would make our home and our lives better. And Leo, Leo was what I like ta' call the 'teacher's pet.' He was the one that always had calm and focus. He was always the one to train the hardest and study the hardest. He was the faster learner, which just left me. And I knew who I was. I was the silent protector of my brothers. But then when Leo became the leader and that role automatically went to him, everything that I had been, hell, everything that I _am, _was taken from me. After that, my brothers' daubed me as the 'angry and violent one.'

But despite what my brothers may think, I _don't _want ta' be the leader. But I don't want ta' be a follower either. That's another thing I hate. I hate having to follow orders. I'd rather call my own shots, and fight how I want to fight. But mainly I just want my role back.

I fight with Leo because I hate how angry I feel all the time, and how out of control my emotions can get. I hate showing weakness after all I've done in my life is being the one that cares for my brothers weakness, and never showing my own. I like fighting with him because I don't always agree with his plans. I like fighting with him because I don't think we should make 'a tactical retreat,' as he puts it, more than we should. I fight Leo because, now that he's the leader, he's the one that has ta' carry our burdens. _He's _tha' one that has ta' take tha' blame when we screw up. And I hate that because it's usually always _me _that's tha' one that screws up. And I hate people takin' the blame for me.

But the main reason why I fight with Leo is because he's perfect, in every way, in everything that he does, and I'm not. And I like trying to rile him up, so I know that I'm not the only one who's imperfect, even if it's just fer' a few minutes.

This is why I run. To get away from these thoughts that consume me every day, even when I try ta' sleep. It's these thoughts that pull me down, and make me hesitate in battle, and I can't do that. I have to be the one to watch the others' backs, even if that's not my job anymore.

The sun has climbed higher into the sky, and the cool breeze has disappeared. I can feel the heat on my skin and can feel the sweat rolling down the back of my neck. My lungs are burning in my chest and my muscles are screaming at me to stop. I look around, realizing that I haven't exactly been stealthy with my hasty retreat back home. I curse myself for my lack of concentration, and thank God that the Foot are gone. If they were still here I would be turtle soup by now. But that doesn't matter. I'm back in the middle of New York, and racing metres above my home.

Crouching on the edge of a building, I search the alley below me for any signs of life before quietly dropping down. Moving straight for the man-hole cover, I pry the heavy lid off and slip into the dark and coolness of the sewers, which is so achingly familiar.

Giving my eyes a moment to adjust, I quickly make my way through the sewers. I know this place better than the back of my hand. It only takes me a few minutes to navigate through the maze-like catacombs of the sewers to the secret door to our lair Don installed after the Foot found us and attacked us in our own home.

Pulling the 'secret handle', I jogged into the lair, looking around for any signs of my brothers. A small feeling of worry crawled up the back of my spine. It was strangely quiet down here. I should be hearing the sounds of Leo working out in the dojo, and Don typing on his computer, and Mikey watching tha' TV. But tha' lair is quiet. Don's not at his computer, no noises are coming from the dojo, and the TV's off.

I was about ta' go looking for my brothers upstairs when I heard a slight noise coming from the dojo. It didn't sound like fighting, so I guessed no one was training, but still, everything striked me as odd. I slowly made my way to the dojo, pushing open the door and peering in.

Mikey and Don were sitting on the practise mats. Their heads were down and they were both fiddling restlessly with their hands. They both looked up as I entered the room.

I noticed straight away that both Leo and Master Splinter weren't in the room. Mikey looked nervous and jumped to his feet when he saw me. His eyes looked a little watery and he looked...uncomfortable...scared even. Don wasn't much better. He wouldn't look at me and kept fixing his gaze around the room, acting like I had caught him in the act of doing' something he shouldn't be.

"What's goin' on?" I demanded, crossing y arms across my chest and narrowing my eyes in an attempt to cover up the unease I felt fluttering around my chest. "Where's Leo an' Master Splinter?"

"Sensei's in his room," Mikey said, almost murmuring as he looked down at his feet.

I narrowed my eyes at my youngest brother. He was clearly not telling me something.

"An' where's Leo? I got ta' talk ta' him, make him see some sense before he goes off to his jungle."

"That's the thing Raph," Mikey said hesitantly, swallowing the lump in his throat. "He...he didn't want you to get upset so..."

I stiffened and felt a vein in my neck jump. My muscles started shaking and it felt like I had been kicked in the chest, and all the air had been knocked out of me. I knew what Mikey was going ta' say next.

"He...He's already gone."


End file.

Ninja Turtles, Adventure, Hurt-Comfort