Slayers In Which Xellos Fails to Gain the Upper Hand

**PRE FIC RANTINGS AND A SPRINKLE OF DISCLAIMER:** Y'know, after you get used to David Moo, Xellos's Japanese voice is... boring. I heard his Japanese voice first. My reaction to the dub was to fall off the couch, hug myself and start twitching (much to Cat's dismay). Anyways, this fic has nothing to do with David Moo. Okay, maybe a bit. Just a little. I'm not sure if I'm tyring to say something about fic cliches or not. I think I am. Yeah, sounds right...  
I don't own Slayers Tra la la la LA! *sings ABBA... on account of the fact she is listening to ABBA. Whee, ABBA* Slash is yaoi, people. This fic... may or may not be. I can't tell. o O You've come this far, read it anyways! ============================================================ In Which Xellos Fails to Gain the Upper Hand  
Izzy Girl It all started out as a normal, monotonous day in the Slayers universe. Lina and Gourry were eating (at ludicrous, unnatural and inhuman speeds.) Amelia was also eating, but she at least had the courtesy to make an attempt at aiming the food in the general direction of her mouth. Zelgadis was brooding obsessively and Xellos was being annoying. Well, I suppose you could say Xellos was eating as well, since he was sitting unusually close to Zelgadis, so we're going to assume that he was doing this in order to feed off the chimera's characteristically negative emotions. Or, we could also assume that he had some slightly slashy intentions, considering this *is* a fanfic. Hmmm... *considers* After a moment of deliberation, the author has decided that Xellos did indeed have slashy intentions, although his reasons for sitting so obscenely close to Zelgadis this particular evening *were* purely dietary in nature. As to why he had slashy intentions, the author is not quite sure and therefore is not at liberty to answer that particular question. Let us just be assured that Xellos is Xellos and Xellos will do what Xellos will do. Which at this particular moment happened to be eating angst, as we already established. ... mmmm, angst. Er, anyways, this was all happening at some indeterminable time during Slayers NEXT. Or maybe it wasn't, though it probably was considering Xellos was present and Filia was not. However, the party seemed to be aware of Xellos's apparent Mazoku-ness (gee, what was your first clue? The teleportation or the innate knowledge of everything), yet Gourry was present. This will not do. Let's start over again. It was a not so normal day in the Slayers universe. Lina was making a vague attempt to eat, but mostly brooding over the missing Gourry while Amelia attempted to comfort her and Zelgadis just surveyed the entire scene in despair. Xellos... what the hell is Xellos doing here? This isn't working. Okay, Lina, Gourry and Amelia were still eating, Zelgadis was still brooding and Xellos still had... inexplicable slashy intentions. They had't faced Demon Dragon King Gaav (_'Hooray for Lord Gaav!_' -Valgaav) yet, so as far as everyone is concerned Xellos is just your avarage, everyday priest. Well, your avarage, eveyday, teleporting, secret keeping, uber-knowing, slightly evil, extremely annoying and increasingly mysterious priest. Zelgadis was not exactly comfortable being proverbial soul toast for Xellos. True, he did not conciously *realize* that he was proverbial soul toast, but nevertheless, he was bothered and thus stood stiffly, and announced that he was going to bed. The wind blew dramatically as he did this, because he's Zelgadis Greywords and the universe likes to provide him with drama like that. Now, as we all remember, Xellos had slashy intentions with Zelgadis (will someone please explain why?) this particular evening and saw his window (or maybe door) of opportunity. He and his slashy intentions followed Zelgadis upstairs and confronted him in the hallway about... um... something. Zelgadis growled, Xellos smirked and a fight ensued. The author does not know exactly _what_ the fight was about nor how it occured, but she does know that for some reason it led to mad macking. And not just any kind of macking, but crazy, slash macking. You know, the kind that's all crazy and... and... slashy. Anyone who has ever read a fanfic knows that when two people are engaged in a crazy make out scene, the universe seems to conviniently fall into order around them as to prevent any and everything from impeding their steady progress towards a Lemon Passage. This rule especially holds true when the two participants in the macking happen to be very popular bishounen from a very popular series, and since characters don't usually get more popular than Zelgadis Greywords and Xellos Metallium it just so happened that there were no other occupants on this particular level of the hotel. It also just so happened that the room they fell in to was, in fact, Zelgadis room and it *also* happened that the room had alreay been paid for and the maid had been nice enough to leave mints on the pillow. Angst-flavoured mints. They fell messily onto the bed, Zelgadis on top, and all the fangirls leaned forwards anxiously as it looked as if something steamy were about to happen when... "Wait! Stop!" Xellos flailed his arms and shoved Zelgadis off him- well, half off him, "Wait, don't you think this is going a bit... too far?" Zelgadis raised an eyebrows and crossed his arms, "What the hell are you talking about? _You_ jumped me. Remember?" Xellos aquired a bit of a nrevous palor and shrugged uncomofortably, "Yeah, well, I thought I'd just cop a feel, steal a kiss and make the fangirls happy but this is getting into NC-17 territory." "Well, what else did you expect?" "Ah, I don't think I'm really ready for that kind of thing. You know, I..." here he trailed off and mumbled, "neverreallymmmmnhmmmbefore..." Zelgadis blinked, a cruel smile forming on his lips, "What did you say?" "I said I haven't done this before!" Xellos repeated loudly, a blush spreading (unwillingly) across his cheeks. Zelgadis stared down at him for a long time, then finally broke into hearty laughter. He dove forwars and pried one of Xellos's eyes open (much to the pirest's dismay) and scoffed, "Mazoku, huh? What are you? One thousand? Two thousand? And still a virgin?" "I'm one thousand and twelve years old." Xellos sniffed, "And I... I just haven't gotten around to it." " 'Haven't gotten around to it?' " Zelgadis repeated incredeously, "Aren't monsters all about death and destruction and petulience and... and... promiscuity? All the sinful, indulgent things?" "Hey!" Xellos struggled to get into a sititng position but found this incredibly difficult considering Zelgadis (who by the way, is made of rock) was still sitting on him, "I'm a busy guy. I'll have you know that I am the high priest and the general for Zelas Metallium, Beastmaster- one of Shabriningo's FIVE MOST POWERFUL GENERALS." he grinned proudly, "I get plenty of the murder, destruction and petulience, mind you, in the war of the Monster's Fall I killed thousands of Dragons SINGLE HANDEDLY." "But you're still a virgin." Zelgadis replied, snickering, "Hell, I'm only 21. And a blue skinned freak and even I've..." chortle, " _'Done it'_ before." "Well La-Di-Da and good for you." Xellos sneered, waving his hand dismissively (and quite effeminitely), "But unlike _some_ people I don't have deep set emotional insecurity issues that I feel a need to fill with some man." Zelgadis blinks some more. He cannot believe that Xellos just said what he said. The author also cannot believe what he just said and *she* wrote it. Xellos, however, can believe what he just said as he was the one who said it. The author shakes her head slowly and sadly and Zelgadis sweatrops and decides not to comment. "Annnyyyywaaaayyyys," Xellos continued in his nasal, David Moo provided voice, "Even if I were more... expirienced... I still don't like the way this scene is going. It looks like I'm doomed for uke-ville and I most certainly do not approve of that." he pulled out a random stack of papers from (apparently) nowheres and began rifling through them, "See, standard Slayers fanfiction rules state that despite my decidedly un-masculine haircut I am generally the man in every single one of my possible pairings, het or yaoi. When it comes down to you and I, dearest chimera, *I* am definitely the seme." he raised his eyebrows and the papers disapperated, "So if you're still looking to get laid I'd suggest you get off me, throw yourself on the bed and start playing my biyatch right now, or it looks like this fic's going to meet an untimely conclusion." There are no words to described the confusion on Zelgadis's face at this moment. Well, there probably are but since this is a humour fic, the author feels somewhat disinclined to scour the innermost depths of her mind in search of them. Be assured that Zelgadis is confused, "What?" "Well, could you at least get off me?" Xellos sighed, a hint of pleading entering his exasperated tone, "You're heavy. And... pointy." Zelgadis's lips twisted downwards in a frown, "I thought you liked pain." "When other people are the ones experiencing it, yes, but me, myself, I tend to avoid pain as much as possible. I mean, when Gaav put a hole in my chest you didn't exactly see me enjoying it. In fact, I think I was downright indignant about that..." "Um, Xellos, I don't think that happened yet." Xellos's eyes opened for a split second and he tapped his chin with his forefinger, "Hmmm, I do believe you're right, Zelgadis. But it's still a good example. How would _you_ like someone to blast a hole in _your_ chest?" "Um... I don't think I'd mind that so much, but..." Whatever Zelgadis was about to say was cut off by the crashing open of the room's door. Now, although we have come to the slow realization that absolutely nothing remotely dirty is going to happen in the duration of this text, it did *not* look that way to Lina, Gourry and Amelia, who's eyes were treated to the sight of a half un-shirted Zelgadis stradling a blushing, toussled Xellos. "Oh Dear Lord, no." Lina stated a few shades too calmly. "Lina, is it really possible for two guys to do... _that_?" The diameter of Gourry's eyes had increased tenfold. "Mi... mister Zelgadis?" Amelia blushed violently and produced a bound episode script from her travelling pack, "This... this isn't in the script. Wha... how... why!?" "This... this _really_ isn't what it looks like!" Zelgadis stammered, blush glowing to match Amelia's. "It might have been." Xellos added cheerfully, "But Zelgadis and I have decided that it would probably wouldn't be a great idea to go through with it, since it would have caused this fic to be banned from fanfiction.net and that would be simply terrible." Zelgadis said: "Ack." and Lina nodded sympathetically, "Yes, we must not do anything to disrupt the perfect harmony that is the 'safe haven' of fanfiction.net." "Couldn't you guys have just rated the fic 'R'?" Gourry wondered cluelessly. "No, Gourry, you idiot!" Lina snapped, thwacking her blonde companion over the head, "Don't you see that it would start off a slow but steady chain reaction that would decay fanfiction.net from the inside out! I forsee that day that we will be able to read 'G' rated Lemons! Don't you get it, Gourry?" "The horror!" Amelia mock-fainted. "But none of that matters because Xellos and I *were NOT* planning on... on... making. Lemonade." coughs all around. Everyone stared at Zelgadis like he had three or four heads, which Zelgais got enough from strangers. Getting it from his friends was enough to nearly push the chimera off the edge. He pointed an accusatory finger in Xellos's direction and said, quickly: "Yeah, well he's a virgin!" Everyone then proceeded to stare at Xellos as if he head six or seven heads, which made Zelgadis feel a lot better. Suddenly, Filia appeared in the middle of the room, laughing evilly, "Oh that is TOO rich!" she quailed, "Wait until the elders hear they've spent the past few centuries fearing a MILLENIA OLD Virgin! Oh, he's just a little boy!" Xellos wilted and Zelgadis's satisfaction grew. Nothing brings one's spirits down like being mocked by their canon pairing. "Um, Filia. This is NEXT." Lina pointed out, "You're really not here right now." "Oh, that's right." Filia bit her lip and looked conflicted for a long moment before promptly transforming into Malgaisa, who, being a gold dragon also, was an acceptable substitue. He grinned toothily at Xellos, "What's wrong with you, boy? By the time I was your age I had all the does just dripping off me!" he paused, "Some of the bucks as well, come to think of it. But those things happen, right?" another pause. An after thought: "Stupid Mazoku." Xellos's grin finally broke and he pouted sourly, "Oh my, I don't think I can take this anymore." suddenly, without warning he burst into tears and dissapperated from beneath Zelgadis, "WAH! MOMMY!" Silence. "I don't think he's coming back." Zelgadis commented. "Me neither." Malgaisa agreed. "Oh well. We can do TRY without him." Lina said breezily. "We can?" asked Gourry. "We can!?" echoed Amelia, nose buried in the complete, 28-episode, TRY script. "There goes a whole bunch of my character development." Filia (suddenly reappearing) sighed. "Guess we'll just have to revise the plot a bit." Lina muttered, aquiring a serious demanour, "Wonder if Sylphiel would be interesting in a few lines. Afterall, her and Xellos practically have the same hair cut..." THE END  
... or... something to that effect... AS TO WHAT ZEL AND XELLOS WERE ARGUING ABOUT:  
X; "I've finally surprassed you in the fan polls." ^_^  
Z: "That's a lie."  
X: "No it's not." ^_^  
Z: "Yes it is."  
X: "You'll never know." ^_^  
Z: "TELL ME!"  
X: "Sore wa himitsu desu!" ^_~  
Z: "... what?"  
X: "Uh... that's a secret?" ^_^;;  
Z: "Hey, David Moo, this is the dub. Stick to one language."  
X: "And... if I refuse?" |:)  
Z: "Omae o Korosu."  
X: "... huh?" ^.^??  
Z: "Grrr... I'll kill you... or something. Um... DIE!!!!!"  
X: ^____^ ============== *sincerely  
Jenn Sparky Young aka Izzy Girl aka Cephied Variable  
cephied_variable@yoishness.zzn.com  
  
- 4/8/03 12:34 - 1:42AM POST FIC NOTEAGE: I, do not, in fact, ship X/Z. I have a bit of a hate/love/hate relationship with the pairing, but consider myself a Xellos/Filia shipper. I am, however, a helpless Xellos fan and tend to read almost anything with him in it on my valiant search for someone who can write him consistantly in character! (which, I admit, is a very difficult thing to do -.-;; I sure as hell can't do it). So, yes, I have dabbled inX/Z. This fic was born out of annoyance at fic cliches- one of these being that Xellos always knows what he's doing in a romantic situation. I couldn't really see this fic working with any other popular Xellos pairing, so I just took the idea and ran with it. Now this is why I don't usually write humour. Egads. 


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Slayers, Humor, Parody