Harry Potter 1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

TITLE:The Return of Sirius Black, or We're Not in Kansas Anymore!

Author: Lady Sirius

Pairing: assorted - Sirius/? (if I told you, then where would the surprise be?)

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights belong to JK Rowling - I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!) And the other rights belong to L. Frank Baum, and to MGM, and to Lewis Carroll.

DEDICATION: To my gloriously sex, talented and wondrous inspiration - Gary Oldman

Chapter One - In the Beginning and Once Upon a Time

The last thing that Sirius Black remembered was the long drawn-out freefall through space - spinning about as if he were a bit of flotsam being sucked down a giant drain. He didn't think that this could possibly end well. It was the proverbial life-flashing-before-your-eyes event, as familiar faces streamed by him in what he supposed was a farewell performance. There were the Marauders - James, Remus and Peter - followed quickly by their animagus forms - Prongs, Moony and Wormtail. Members of his family, including but not limited to his maniacal mother, his assorted cousins and inlaws, such as Bellatrix (also his murderer), Narcissa, Lucius, Draco, Arthur and Molly Weasley. There were the others from the Order of the Phoenix - including Dumbledore, Snape and Tonks, and there were Harry's young friends, Ron and Hermione. And of course there was Harry, his last link with his best friend James, the only person Sirius had left in the world that could be considered his and his only - his dearest godson, his pseudo-son.

Having made up his mind that he would never draw a decent breath again, it was with some surprise that Sirius opened his eyes once more. He wasn't quite sure just where he was - everything about him was dark. Cautiously he felt about his body for protruding bones or pools of blood, but there seemed to be none, which was heartening. Slowly rising to his feet, he felt about him, making his way gingerly as he dodged various objects which littered his path, until he reached what he took to be the door and pulled the handle...

...to suddenly find himself bathed in glorious technicolour in the midst of a very voluptuous garden. "What is this place?" he muttered to himself, glancing around him in bewilderment. "I do believe we're not in Kansas anymore!"

There were blossoms and plants of every size, description and hue, a veritable cornucopia of colour. Some of them swayed gracefully in the gentle warm breeze which played about his cheeks, in hula-like motions. And wait, those flowers there - unless he was hallucinating, they seemed to be moving independently of the ground, unlike most plants that he was familiar with, and not only that, but they were nude!. Fascinated, he drew closer to observe. Sure enough, there were small yellow and white flowers with the heads of daisies and the bodies of naked women. They frolicked and cantered together in a closed circle. Joining hands, they rushed towards one another, meeting in the center, at which point there seemed to be some sort of lesbian ritual involving kissing and touching, before they resumed their positions in the circle once more. "Well," Sirius commented aloud to himself, "this must be where the idea for the daisy chain came from."

Spotting movement out of the corner of one eye, he whirled about, and to his surprise beheld the sight of a large grey wolf. The wolf approached him fearlessly, and began nuzzling at his hand.

"Moony?" Sirius asked in amazement, "is that you?" But there was no response, and Sirius sighed as he realized how absurd the idea was. But he was grateful for the company, and he patted the wolf's head, stroked the soft fur. "I'll call you Remus anyway," he decided. 

He began to move about the garden, and he was grateful when he realized that the wolf intended to stay with him. Looking about him, he noticed that the garden was also filled with statuary of all sizes and shapes - the most pornographic sculptures he had ever imagined (and he had quite an imagination when it came to that sort of thing). There were male/female, male/male, female/female, not to mention human/beast, threesomes, orgies, and even some pairings which were he was unfamiliar. He was getting horny just looking at them, and he cupped one hand against his crotch. "Down boy, not now!" he scolded himself. "This is not the time or place. We need to concentrate on finding a way to get home, once we figure out where we are, that is!"

He walked a little further along the cobbled path which ran through the garden, the friendly wolf at his side, until he came to a clearing containing a large stone fountain of a satyr and a nymph, from which flowed a purplish liquid. He reached out one slender hand, dipped it into the liquid and brought it to his lips hesitantly. It had a most pleasant fruity taste, so he decided to take a chance, and lowered his head to drink from the satyr's appendage. The wolf helped himself as well, lapping from the liquid that accumulated about the base of the fountain.

"If this contains poison, then we're dead," Sirius murmured to 'Remus', "but that's a chance you sometimes have to take."

A sudden movement from above caught his attention. He looked up to see a most fabulous sight - a giant phoenix hovering in the air, spiraling gracefully downwards, until it came to rest just a few feet away from him. A figure dismounted from its back, and to his amazement Sirius saw that he resembled Albus Dumbledore! In fact, he was the spitting image of the headmaster, except for the fact that the robes which he wore were not black, they were transparent, and left nothing to the imagination!

'Dumbledore' smiled benignly at Sirius as he approached.

"Who the hell are you?" Sirius blurted out, "and where the hell am I?"

As he spoke, he heard a high-pitched noise which seemed to surround him, and which he would almost swear was giggling. He whirled about, but could see nothing, so turned his attention to the strange figure before him. The wolf seemed ill at ease as well, growling softly, as it stayed close to Sirius' side.

"What is this place?" Sirius asked again, and once again he heard the giggling, louder now, and surely not his imagination. But he could see nothing, and he was beginning to get frustrated now.

'Dumbledore' spoke quietly. "Come, come, stop aggravating Sirius! Come out, come out, and let him see you! You can stop hiding now!" He clapped his hands imperiously, even as Sirius wondered how he knew his name, and from the flowers and bushes around him figures began to rise and step forward.

Sirius stared in amazement at the sight - at first glance he would have thought that they were children, as their average height was that of a small child - but closer investigation showed that these were fully matured adults - all of them naked - the women all with ample bosoms and the men all sporting major hardons. Curiouser and curiouser!

"I am the wizard of the Hard Wood, and these are the sex-kins," 'Dumbledore' explained, "the little people who live here in this land. They are very interested in you Sirius, as you can see (several of them had clustered about him, attempting to slide their hands into his crotch and up his ass, and he had to swat them away in annoyance.

"And just how do you know my name?" Sirius demanded angrily, "and you still haven't told me where I am or who you are! I demand some answers here!"

"Patience, my boy, patience," 'Dumbledore counseled, holding up one hand imperiously. "The sex-kins are very handy creatures, yes they are - they are especially useful for relieving one's tension - and I can see, dear boy, that you are very tense indeed!" He clapped his hands, muttered a few words, and Sirius suddenly found himself stark naked, as was 'Dumbledore', his tension obvious for all to see.

A small sex-kin male approached Sirius and without a by-your-leave took his hard member into his mouth, began to massage it with his tongue (he was just the right height to facilitate this). Sirius realized that Albus was being ministered to in the same fashion, and he found himself helpless to do anything other than to enjoy the release which came within a few minutes of intense sucking. Albus muttered a cleansing spell for them both, and then restored their garments.

"Feel better?" 'Dumbledore inquired solicitously, and Sirius merely nodded.

Sirius wasn't sure what to say after that, but was saved the trouble when the sex-kins suddenly began to tremble and quake. They ran about in circles, squealing in terror, and pointing up at the sky. Sirius looked in that direction, and beheld what appeared to be a large black cloud which swirled and eddied as it made its descent, lightning crackling from its center. As it got closer to the ground, the little people backed away from it in fright.

"What is going on here?" Sirius demanded to know.

"That will be the wizard of the Cold Wood," 'Dumbledore' explained, "and I'm afraid that he won't be very happy." He pointed behind Sirius, who turned and beheld a small building, probably the one he had originally emerged from. Barely visible beneath the building was a pair of legs. "I'm afraid that's what left of his brother, the wizard of the Dead Wood. Your vehicle appears to have landed on him!"

"That is not my vehicle!" Sirius protested, "and I had nothing to do with that, I swear it! All I want to do is to go home!"

'Dumbledore' shrugged eloquently. "Not my problem," was all he said.

From the center of this maelstrom, a man emerged - a tall dark man, slim of build, with a prominent proboscis - garbed in black lingerie, with black fishnet stockings and black spike heels, with a red boa slung about his neck. To his amazement, Sirius recognized 'Snape'! Trotting along behind him was a small man garbed only in a large diaper, and a cloth turban on his head. He stayed close behind the first man, constantly touching his legs and hands, and kissing his posterior as often as he could.

'Snape' strode quickly into their midst, eyeing Sirius in a most unnatural way. "And what have we here?" he sneered.

Sirius glared back at him, refusing to be intimidated. "Who are you?" he returned.

"I am your worst nightmare," 'Snape' replied haughtily.

The wolf at Sirius' side began to growl, and Sirius had to restrain him with a gentle hand lest he attack the unpleasant stranger, maybe causing injury to himself. The wolf whimpered, nuzzling Sirius' hand.

"How touching!" 'Snape' rolled his eyes at the sight. "Not!" He strutted about Sirius in a circle, examining him from all angles, until Sirius grew uncomfortable at his scrutiny.

"Fuck off!" he snapped.

'Snape' drew himself up huffily, pulling his wand out (Sirius couldn't imagine, and didn't want to imagine, from where), and was on the point of cursing the hapless wizard, when his attention was drawn to something behind Sirius, and he moved away from him. Sirius could hear a sharp intake of breath, and he turned to see what 'Snape''s problem was. The crossdressing wizard was staring at the small house, and the broken body beneath it.

"Who has done this?" 'Snape' demanded angrily, waving one hand at the sight.

There was instant silence, except for the occasional whimpering of 'Snape''s sycophantic follower. The potion master's clone strode up to Sirius in a few quick steps, grabbing him by the collar of his robes, pushing his face to within a few inches of the other man's. "What have you done to my brother?" he yelled.

"Back off, jackoff!" Sirius yelled back, "I - didn't - do - anything - to your brother, you antidiluvian twerp! And get your fucking hands off of me!"

'Remus' began to growl, advancing on 'Snape', his teeth bared, when 'Dumbledore' spoke up. "Aren't you forgetting something?" he asked silkily.

'Snape' whirled about, eyes narrowed at 'Dumbledore.'

"The opal, or isn't that important to you any more?"

'Snape''s eyes grew large, and an avarious light gleamed in their black depths. "Ah yes, the opal. How remiss of me." He released his hold on Sirius. "I'll deal with you in a moment!" he snarled, even as he raced toward the little house.

Sirius watched him closely, saw him approach the body. The deceased had had decidedly bad taste in clothes, even the little that could be seen of him - his legs were clad in parti-colored leggings in garish colours. But on his feet were a pair of the most magnificent boots Sirius had ever seen - gleaming ebony, obviously handcrafted leather, they shone and sparkled in the bright sunlight. And on each one a large black opal shone, larger than any he had ever seen. The sight quite took his breath away.

'Snape' reached greedily for the boots. "Mine at last!" he sang joyously. But the next moment, the legs began to shrivel up, retracting from sight beneath the little house. Snape was livid. He looked about him in confusion "The boots! Who took my boots?" he demanded to know.

'Dumbledore' pointed to Sirius' feet. "There they are and there they shall stay," he said calmly. Sirius looked down in amazement to find the beautiful boots were on his own feet, and he turned them this way and that, admiring their handiwork, and enjoying the feel of them against his skin.

"Give those to me!" 'Snape' snarled, "they belong to me, you accursed brat!"

'Dumbledore' whispered to Sirius, "Hold fast to them! Their magic must be very powerful or he wouldn't want them so badly!"

Sirius decided to ignore this particular piece of advice. "I don't want these stupid things, I just want to go home!" he cried out. "Take 'em, I don't care!"

'Snape' advanced greedily upon the boots, reached out to take them as Sirius raised one foot to make access easier. As soon as 'Snape' touched one of the boots, he was greeted with an electric shock which propelled him backwards, and he fell hard upon his ass.

"There, you can't have them, so go on home before another vehicle comes along and lands on you!" 'Dumbledore' laughed.

'Snape' looked about him nervously, rising with the aid of the turbaned man. "You haven't heard the last of this," he snarled at Sirius. "I'll get you, my pretty, see if I don't. And your little wolf too!"

Whirling about in high dudgeon, he snapped his head back disdainfully and strutted back to his dark cloud, kickstepping as he went, and almost emasculating his poor toady (if that was possible). The black cloud rose in a whirl of evilness and disappeared into the sky once more.

The sex-kins breathed a collective sigh of relief, coming out of hiding, approaching Sirius and fondling him once more, as they admired his new boots.

"Oh fuck!" he yelled out in frustration. "What sort of a place is this, anyway? Am I dead or what? The last thing I remember is being shot, and falling into the veil. Is this what lies beyond the veil?"

"This is one of the worlds beyond the veil," 'Dumbledore replied, "there are others. And no, you are not dead."

"Then how do I get back to where I belong, to my own world, to my godson, Harry?"

"I can't help you myself, I'm afraid, but I hear that there is a mighty wizard who lives in the capital of Sex-Oz - in Fornication City - he might be able to help you, if you go there and ask him. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you." 'Dumbledore' shrugged.

"I guess it's better than nothing," Sirius muttered. "So how do I get there? you you have a roadmap I can use, auto club, something?"

"The path is very simple," 'Dumbledore' replied. "Look beneath your feet."

Sirius looked down at the multi-coloured cobbled stones.

"That is the mellow brick road. Follow that and it will take you to Fornication City, and the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz."

"Yes," the sex-kins echoed, "just follow the mellow brick road, follow the mellow brick road..."  
They led Sirius to the center of the square, where apparently the road began, and followed him as he began to wind his way along it. "Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the mellow brick road! He's off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz!"

To his delight, the wolf seemed determined to stay at Sirius' side. He patted the noble beast gently. "You may not be my Remus," he murmured, "but you are all I have right now, and I'm damn glad for your company." He kept his eyes riveted on the path beneath his feet, muttering to himself, "Follow the mellow brick road!"

The sex-kins followed him as far as they could before their little legs grew tired, attempting to engage him in sexplay along the way, and he had to constantly slap at their hands. But at last they were but tiny figures in the distance, and then nothing but faded memories, as he and Remus embarked upon their journey to Fornication City and the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz, and Sirius' chance to return home.


	2. The Journey Begins

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

TITLE: The Return of Sirius Black, or We're Not in Kansas Anymore!

Author: Lady Sirius

Pairing: assorted - Sirius/? (if I told you, then where would the surprise be?)

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights belong to JK Rowling - I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!) And the other rights belong to L. Frank Baum, and to MGM, and to Lewis Carroll

DEDICATION: To my gloriously sex, talented and wondrous inspiration - Gary Oldman

Chapter Two - The Journey Begins

Sirius and 'Moony' set off down the mellow brick road. Sirius was filled with expectations and hopes that once he reached Fornication City, the powerful wizard there would help him to find his way back home. It's hard to say what 'Moony' was filled with. The sun was a large lemon drop in the sky, Sirius was happy that he wasn't dead, and life looked pretty good to him just now.

For a while, his way was strewn with more of the strange garden he had first found himself in, with its pornographic statues, and strange little lesbian blossoms. But this soon gave way to farmers' pastures, and he could see red and black cows standing beside the road, chewing their cud and gazing at him with dull, placid, bovine eyes. On impulse, he walked up to one that was apparently sleeping, put both hands up against it, and tipped it over.

"I always wanted to do that," he explained to 'Moony', as he scurried quickly away from the confused cow.

Pastures became fields o'plenty, planted areas redolent of growing vegetables shooting up from the fertile soil - tomatoes and corn, wild onions and assorted herbs (pronounced herbs, because there is a fucking h in it!), potatoes and carrots and, unless Sirius was much mistaken, one of his favourites - mushrooms! Rows upon row upon rows of mushrooms of all different sizes and varieties - oyster and shitaki, crimini and portabella - in glorious array, stretching as far as the eye could see.

"Remus, Remus," Sirius moaned to the wolf, "what I wouldn't give right now for a fucking skillet, some butter and some garlic salt?" He ran up and down the rows of mushrooms, debating which to eat first (never questioning the fact that mushrooms grow in dark dank places, not in fields, but sometimes Sirius thinks with other parts of his anatomy than his brain), until he suddenly came upon the king of all mushrooms - a tremendously huge white mushroom, which loomed taller than he did (if one can imagine a mushroom that stands over six foot tall!).

He stood in silent awe before it, his head panning up and up its formidable height like a tilting camera. He had to stand on tiptoe when he reached the top, and what he saw there - well, he just couldn't believe his eyes! Sitting on top of the mushroom, cross-legged and totally at ease with himself and the world, was a huge caterpillar that looked just like 'Lucius Malfoy'! Wearing a dashiki and sporting Lolita sunglasses, the platinum blonde Slytherin had his lips wrapped about a giant hookah, from which issued the most delightful aroma, a heavy and sensuous scent, which smelled suspiciously like opium.

"Welcome, Sirius!"'Lucius' greeted him, looking very Timothy Leary like. "Welcome! Peace, love and some such shit!" He smiled, as if in sync with some internal music, raised his outstretched arms out to shoulder level and began to wriggle them, twisting his head from side to side in accompaniment, muttering, "Instant karma is gonna get you! Power to the people!"

Sirius watched the sham Malfoy for several minutes, wondering if he should just be on his way, while 'Moony' whined pitifully beside him. He stroked the agitated wolf, who calmed down and licked his hand, remaining vigilant and wary. Just then 'Lucius' eyes popped open once more and he began to speak.

"This is the magic mushroom!" he intoned, "not to be confused with psilocybin - that is another lesson which we shall tackle on another day - no, this is the mother of all mushrooms, the end all and be all of mushrooms, the dreamer that dares not speak its name."

He swished his arms across his chest, clicked his finger cymbals in noisy harmony.

"And the answer to the question is ... 42. But what is the question, you ask? Ah, that is the question - the never ending conundrum, the issue which presses upon our brains both night and day and..." He stopped in mid-sentence, as if an internal switch had been thrown (or blown), and looking directly at Sirius, he chanted, "One side makes you happy, the other one brings you down! One side makes you happy, the other one brings you down!"

"Side of what, you loony git?" Sirius asked him, seriously questioning the guru's sanity. "What are you talking about?"

But 'Lucius' had replaced the hookah in his mouth once more, and was contentedly inhaling, eyes closed in peaceful contemplation of his internal navel. Shaking his head, Sirius started to turn away, knowing that he would find no help here...

... when his attention was caught by the giant mushroom itself - the cap seemed to consist of two large hemispheres, (Sirius wasn't sure just which ones) and Sirius suddenly realized what the riddle meant - the two sides of the mushroom! One side would make him happy, while the other would bring him down? But what exactly did that mean, and how was he to safely discover the truth of the situation?

Sirius looked at 'Moony', who looked steadily back at him. "Remus, old pal, I need your counsel," Sirius confided, patting the wolf's head while he locked his dark eyes onto the wolf's large grey ones. "What would you do, which side do you think makes you happy? And does that happiness enable me to go home?"

The wolf made no reply, nuzzling Sirius' chest playfully. "It's not your fault, Remy," Sirius murmured, "I guess I'll just have to take my chances."

He walked deliberately about the giant mushroom, looking at it from every possible angle, trying to decide if one side looked happier than the other, but they honestly looked the same to him. Well, he thought, nothing ventured, nothing gained - he reached out at random and, breaking off a large piece of the mushroom, took a bite out it and began to chew, offering some to the wolf as he did so.

The taste wasn't quite what he had hoped for at first, but then beggars couldn't be choosers. A quick glance at 'Remus' showed that he was eating his portion of the stuff as well. Besides, the more he chewed on it, the more the flavour improved, gaining in texture and substance to the point where it was downright delicious. But was it making him happy or was it bringing him down?

He closed his eyes to take stock of the situation, and it wasn't until he felt 'Remus' wet nose against his crotch that he found his answer. Looking down at himself, he was shocked to see that his second brain had been fully engaged, and was occupied in the struggle to be free, while 'Remus' was nuzzling at it, trying to gain entrance into its lair. In fact, his cock was so hard that it was painful, and without hesitation he released the zipper of his pants and set it free, in all its ten inch glory. Ah, that felt better!

'Moony' approved of this move as well, for the wolf wrapped his tongue about the head of Sirius's cock, licking at him with remarkable skill for a quadruped, and Sirius forgot that this was an animal, a wolf of uncertain origin - his brain told him only that it was 'Moony', and he lost himself to the moment. He dropped back against the ground and moaned aloud.

The wolf's breath was warm against his hardness. Sirius squirmed pleasurably beneath the pressure, remembering Remus - Remus and his talented tongue. The memory of their many couplings raised his excitement to a higher level, and the wolf responded by lapping roughly against his balls, his tongue passing briefly over the entrance to paradise, and Sirius' breath caught in his throat sharply.

"Oh yes," he moaned, "yes, Remy, harder, love, harder..." The wolf seemed to understand, taking in more and more of his cock, just grazing it with his sharp teeth. Sirius began to thrust into the wolf's maw. Internally, it was Remus whose mouth he was fucking so lustfully, Remus' upturned face wearing an expression of pure bliss for his lover's large cock. He found himself falling over the edge, exploding in great spurts into the wolf's willing throat. The animal drank it all, whimpering for more when that was gone, and gratefully licked his new 'owner', cleaning him most thoroughly.

Sirius lay still for several minutes, the wolf lying quietly by his side. The wolf seemed to be less edgy now, content to press itself against him, its head upon its paws. Sirius reached out, stroking the luxurious fur, the soft wolf pelt. "I do believe I found the good side," he commented drily.

Eventually he rose, returning to the mushroom. Peeking over the edge, he noticed that 'Malfoy' was no longer there. Oh well, probably for the best. That beggar was nothing if not loony. He found the spot on the mushroom where he had taken the original piece, broke off some more and pocketed it. On second thought, he got a sample from the other side as well, taking care to place it in a difference location. You never knew when something like that might not come in handy.

"Come on, Remus," he beckoned to the wolf, and on they continued, down the mellow brick road.


	3. First Companion Revealed

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Author: Lady Sirius

Pairing: assorted - Sirius/? (if I told you, then where would the surprise be?)

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights belong to JK Rowling - I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!) And the other rights belong to L. Frank Baum, and to MGM, and to Lewis Carroll

DEDICATION: To my gloriously sexy, talented and wondrous inspiration - Gary Oldman

Chapter Three - First Companion Revealed

The fields of mushrooms were soon replaced by waving shocks of golden corn - rows and rows of them, future fodder for popcorn lovers everywhere - with enough ears to titillate an audiologists' convention! Of course there was no way to cook the bloody stuff, and Sirius didn't wish to eat it raw as it was, so decided to forego the golden treat, leaving it to the large black crows which swooped and dived into its rich depths, as he continued to follow the colourful path which wound about beside the cornfields.

When he suddenly came to a fork in the road, he was siriusly stumped. The path stretched either way ahead of him, to left and to right, with no indication of which path he should take in order to reach Fornication City. "I told that stupid wizard that I needed a roadmap!" he muttered angrily. Where the two paths met, a tattered figure hung wearily upon a pole. 'Lot of good that ratty old scarecrow is doing', he sniffed disdainfully to himself. 'Looks like he attracts more scarecrows than not.' The scarecrow hung with its head down, as if it were too disheartened to even try to scare crows.

Sirius cocked his handsome head, looked down at 'Remus' quizzically. The loyal wolf wagged his tail eagerly, thumping Sirius' legs in the process, but seemed uninclined to give any suggestions as to which way to go. He ruffled the wolf's fur affectionately, not having really expected an answer.

"You might try going this way!"

Sirius jerked his head up abruptly, looking about him, his eyes narrow slits of confusion. Nothing to be seen except the tattered figure on the stick, one scraggly arm pointing up the road to gods-knew-where, the only sounds that of the cawing crows doing cartwheels in the rows. He laughed nervously. "I must be losing it, Moony," he told his companion, "there's only you and me here, mate, isn't there?"

"Or you could think about taking this road!"

Sirius jumped a foot in the air this time. What the fuck! He looked carefully about him, but once again there was nothing to be seen. But, wait a minute, wasn't that ratbag pointing in the other direction just a moment ago?

Sure that he must be losing what remained of his mind (perhaps an aftereffect from his fall through the veil?) Sirius cautiously approached the scarecrow, the wolf at his side growling deep inside his throat. Just then the scarecrow raised its head, and to his amazement, Sirius beheld Harry's best friend 'Ron Weasley', a goofy expression on the redheaded young man's face.

"But then again, if I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't be standing here with this bloody pole shoved up my arse, now would I?" He began to wave his thin arms about, first pointing in one direction, then the other, until he ended up pointing in opposite directions at once, his eyes revolving about their sockets in apposite circles, and his tongue hanging from his mouth in a most unattractive manner. Sirius stared up at him, slackjawed.

"Are you just going to stand there like a bloody moron, or are you going to help me down from here?" 'Ron' bellowed, the freckles on his face turning a bright red and looking as if they were about to pop off of his face.

"All right, all right," Sirius muttered, shaking his head. He circled about the scarecrow, trying to study the problem from all sides, but didn't see an obvious answer to the situation. He tapped his fingers against the side of his face, cradling his chin in his palm as he stood in uffish thought...

"Dude!" 'Ron' exploded, "why don't you just try bending down that nail thingy behind me - maybe I'll just come off!"

Sirius looked on the back of the post, and saw a huge rusty nail which appeared to be thrust through the wood and into the center of the scarecrow on the other side. Deciding he had nothing to lose, he cautiously pushed the nail downwards, and immediately the scarecrow was released, sliding in a heap onto the ground.

"Say, are you all right?" Sirius asked anxiously, as he saw small mounds of hay flying about him.

"Never better!" 'Ron' responded, cheerily picking up bits of straw and tucking them back inside his shirt and pants. He looked at Sirius curiously as he put himself back together. "I don't believe I've seen you around these parts before, stranger," he commented.

"I've never been around these parts before," Sirius replied drily.

"I actually hate being on that thing!" 'Ron' confided to Sirius, leaning closer to him than Sirius would have liked..'

"So why are you up there?"

"To scare crows!" 'Ron' responded.

Sirius looked pointedly at the large flocks of the big black birds which cavorted in the fields about them. "You're not very bloody effective, you know!"

"I know," 'Ron' replied sadly, looking down at his hands. Sirius followed his glance, and to his horror, Sirius discovered that they were moving in the direction of his crotch!

"Here, none of that!" he protested, moving out of the demented scarecrow's reach.

'Ron' looked back at him affably, his mouth twisted into a goofy smirk. "It was worth a try," he shrugged. "It's been a long time, you know - a little hard to get laid up there!"

"I can imagine," Sirius muttered warily.

"Where are you going?" 'Ron' asked. As he spoke, he was performing cartwheels about Sirius, while bits of straw continued to fall from him which he nonchalantly stuffed back into place. On the whole, Sirius found it rather unnerving, especially when he ended up directly behind him at one point, thrusting himself up against Sirius' backside ("Is that a bale of straw in your pocket or are you happy to see me?")

Sirius sidestepped the unwanted advances handily, and a snarling 'Moony' interjected himself between the two, so 'Ron' reluctantly backed away, hands held out in surrender.

"I'm traveling to Fornication City," Sirius explained from a safe distance (by the gods, everyone he met in this siriusly strange place seemed to have little else on their minds but indiscriminate howmuchcanIget and whendoyouwantit sex!) "I was told that there is a wizard there who might be able to help me get home."

"Is he a great and powerful wizard?" 'Ron' asked.

"Er... yes, I suppose so."

'Ron' sighed heavily. "I could use one of those myself," he confided to Sirius, putting his arm about the other man's shoulders and leaning in to him.

"Why is that?" Sirius asked, frowning and pushing his arm off firmly.

'Ron' looked about him, first one way, than the other, as if to make sure that he could not be overheard (which Sirius found to be ridiculous, as there was not another person anywhere in sight, but then of course did the scarecrow qualify as a person himself, and if not was Sirius perhaps actually talking to himself and was he maybe becoming delusional? Note to self - reality check first opportunity!), before replying in an exaggerated stage whisper, "Because I need to get a clue!"

"I beg your pardon?"

'Ron' nodded sadly, his eyes downcast, his scarecrow chest heaving a tremendous sigh. "Yes, it's true - I just don't have a clue - everybody tells me so - and I do so want one!" He brought one gloved hand up to his face, wiping at a tiny tear which trickled down his burlap cheek.

Without waiting for a response, 'Ron' leaped up into the air, his long legs scissoring comically, before landing in an untidy heap on the ground where he then proceeded to sing, much to Sirius' chagrin.

"I could while away the hours

In taking golden showers

A menage a trois or two...(de-doo-de-doodle-de-do)

But I need my very own Cupid

Cause the girls think I'm kinda stupid

If I only had a clue!

I would gladly trade for blow jobs

Or hand jobs, or for low jobs

Just to get off a time or two

But the girls tell me to piss off

They won't even let me kiss off -

If I only had a clue!

Oh I just want to cry

Every time they kick my ass right out the door

And then they pick me up and kick a little more

Give me a spin - it's a sin!

I would sleep with Ethel Merman

Or even Shelley Berman

Or Michael Jackson too

All my senses be a tingle

And my heart go bingle-bingle

If I only had a clue!"

As he sang, the reject from a mattress factory proceeded to cavort around Sirius in a manner that seemed destined to end poorly - and sure enough at the end of the song, he spun about like a whirling dervish, landing in a number of pieces on the ground. Sirius shook his head, tempted to leave him in this condition, but found to his great disgust that he could not do that ('when did I become such a do-gooder?' he growled softly to himself), and gave the sad little scarecrow a hand at putting himself back together again.

When he was in one piece once more, 'Ron' looked up at Sirius with a quizzical expression in his otherwise blank eyes. "You see what I mean about needing the help of a great and powerful wizard? If this wizard is as great and powerful as you say, perhaps he can help me to find a clue? Do you think I might come with you to Fornication City and find out? Please, pretty please?" 'Ron' batted his big eyes at him in violent spasms of pleading.

Try though he might, Sirius could think of no reason to exclude the bumptious bumpkin from joining his party, and finally sighed, "Oh, very well!" in an exasperated voice.

"Yippee!" shouted 'Ron', leaping up into the air and clicking his heels for joy, losing parts of himself in the process.

"Enough of that!" Sirius interjected, "I'm not spending all my time stuffing you back together. Nuff said?"

"Nuff said!" the scarecrow solemnly repeated, placing one finger against his nose in sirius thought.

"Come along, then, let's be off," Sirius barked. Not waiting for a response, he motioned to 'Lupin', who trotted obediently along beside him, the scarecrow quickly scrambling to catch up.

"We're off to see the wizard!" the scarecrow began to sing in jubilation, "the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz! We hear he is a wiz of a wiz..."

"Shut the fuck up!" Sirius said.


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody