Fullmetal Alchemist 1. In Which Summer Begins This Crap

_Real A/N - Parody. Don't take this seriously. No, really. Don't. _

A/N- OMG liek hii! This is my firtse fanficktion, so be nice, okkky? And reviw or no mroe chappies!

* * *

Hi. My name is Ruby Gold Jamila Flower Elric. OOPS! You weren't supposed to know the last part. You see, I'm really Ed and Al's little sister, like a year younger than them. I didn't grow up with them because I was kidnapped by some weird guy who sold me to some orphanage. My real mom cried for days, even though I was like a month old and I could have no idea how she was crying because I wasn't there and my presence makes no sense at all.

So...just keep it a secret, okay? Kay.

You see, I grew up in that orphanage for the first five years of my life. The lady that was in charge hated me because I was so smart and I could read before I was one and I could even do alchemy when I was three! The kids all hated me there, but I knew they were just jealous of me because I was super smart and super pretty (I have long golden blonde hair and gold eyes). So, finally I ran away when I was five, and I knew everything I needed to know to survive, because I was just that smart.

I kinda got lost though, so I was in this huge jungle (which also doesn't make sense because why is there a jungle in the city?) but then thankfully, I was saved by this pack of _wolves! _Since I was super smart, I was able to talk with them and stuff, and therefore I was raised by them.

Finally, after they taught me all their tricks and stuff, I beat the wolf leader. But then he bit me alot, and then there was a lot of venom in his bites so I lost both of my arms and my legs. Thankfully, I was taken by my pack brothers to an automail store (that was conviently nearby) and they gave me automail. Because of the special person I am, I was able to finish the rehabilitation in a month and a half. They mechanics didn't even charge me for the automail, because I was so nice to them and they loved me!

So, then one day I decided to become a State Alchemist. I don't know why, but I just felt like it was CALLING to me, y'know? Even though I was hated afterward. So I passed the test with flying colors that even the Fuhrer was impressed. I became the youngest State Alchemist at nine years old, even though they didn't record it because it was bad to have such a young person in the military.

I am the Pretty Golden Flower Alchemist.

* * *

A/N - gud, ritee? I kno, it took me so long but it waz so kool. and leik, revwie a lot, kayz? no mreo rveiwres untilll i get mro than four rvewirers. :) So reveriw!1!

_Real A/N - Oh god, do you know how much that hurt to write, like seriously, I was twitching the whole time. I couldn't bring myself to butcher the story itself, so you have to live with grammar in a parody. Aaah, I need quality writing, like NOW...D: _

_Review, Read (over), Alert, Favorite(?) and leave me a Comment! _

_-Summer._


	2. At Where Summer Starts To Feel The Pain

_Real A/N - I'm so serious. I think I'm masochistic. This FREAKING HURT me to write. I can't breathe half the time doing this, and I can't even write for another fifteen minutes after a chapter because I need to get my act back together. OH GOD._

A/N - Hey!1! Ths iz liek, ttly unkool1! No flmaingh! MEaniez!

For tose who hlped me, tanks yu! !1!1

* * *

So, you see, I started my journey to look for my dear brothers. I was in the lower south part, in some town called Risembool, for the first stop. For some reason, just like my instinct to become a State Alchemist, I had this _feeling._ Like, I absolutely _had_ to go there.

When I was there, I loved it immediately. Everything was so cool and...pretty. Like me!

I braided my long, pretty, voluminous, shiny, bouncy, blonde hair put on my pretty pink jacket to hide my automail. There was gloves on both my hands, and I wore long pants and these combat boots that were so cool.

I noticed the many stares of guys looking after me. Even the really weird ones, like the loser with a bald head and the old man on a porch. Surely I wasn't _that_ pretty?

...

Well, yeah. I am.

Anyways, while I was thinking on that, I bumped into this girl. She had nice skin, and blue eyes and blonde hair, and she was almost as pretty as me. The guys all looked at her too. I pouted on the inside. Well, at least she wasn't a State Alchemist like _me._

"Oh! Sorry!" she rushed down to help me, and I was immediately touched. She was so nice! "I'm sorry, did I hurt you? There were metal parts in that box, so if it hit -" her eyes widened and traveled to my arm, and I looked down to see that my jacket had been ripped from a sharp piece of metal. But I didn't feel pain - automail shined from the area.

"You have automail?" she whispered, looking stricken. I nodded shamefully, hurriedly covering it up.

"Could you not tell anyone? I've had a really bad past and I lost both my arms and legs." if possible, she looked even worse. Her hands flew to her mouth.

"Oh! You poor thing! Come with me; my name is Winry, by the way."

"Ruby." I shot her a smile, and she gave me one back.

I watched as she picked the pieces of metal up while I checked that my automail was properly covered. Then, I walked in front of her, apparently leading her to her house. (Which I wasn't supposed to know, but I did anyway. It's like intuition or something.)

When I opened the door to their house, I gasped as I saw -

* * *

A/N- OMMMGGG! CLifeffee! LoL, rveiw if you want anthoer chappie, ne? ^_^

_Real A/N - Eh, did I make her somewhat normal? Oh, that's bad. I'll fix it in the next chapter, I promise. Another short-as-hell chapter. Probably not as funny, however. It's painful writing this, I'm sorry if I could focus on making it a comical relif. [sarcasm]_

_...pain, excruciating pain..._

_-Summer. _


	3. Summer Wants To Throw Up Food

_Real A/N - I've just had a whole, like, phone conversation with one of my best friends on here, Annie. I think she made me brave enough to write more of this, which I was really thinking of deleting, simply because it made me sick..._

A/b- OMMGgG! Liek, stop htaing you stuupd pplz! Jamlia Rbuy Erulric is AWEsOMEI!1! Fmlaers r hatrs!

* * *

- a huge suit of armor!

Like, really. It was tall. And...and..._shiny. _But for some reason, I thought it was missing something - something important. Something _very _important...I looked into the stranger's eyes, and I saw red, glowing orbs, with my own beautiful golden ocher colored orbs.

"You don't have a soul, don't you?" I asked him gently. He looked shocked [it was a he because I just knew it was a he] and he nodded like a little kid. "Yes, how did you know that I'm just a soul bound to a suit of armor because I performed human transmutation and my brother used his blood to bind my soul to this armor?"

Of course, I knew. I was psychic, of course, and I needed to let him - who I knew was Alphonse, my older brother - know that I cared, and I knew everything about him.

"Because, Al, I know _you._" I said, and he started to cry fake tears and break down into my arms. Winry looked on with a sort of sad sympathy for Al.

"Really? Really? It's been so long since someone _really _knew me..."

"Well, I do," I told him lovingly, even though he's the elder and I'm the younger, and that statement of _course _didn't sound like I was some creepy stalker. No way. 'Course not.

"I know about you and Ed, because you guys are my world," I started to choke up. "After all, you guys _are _my brothers."

"What?"

I turned around [dramatically] to see Edward, my older brother whom I just coincidentally happen to look, act, feel, and seem alike too, and my beautiful golden eyes widened, seeing his in surprise.

"Oh shit."

* * *

A/n - HAhaha! Anothr eviiiil cliffffe! U haf to reivew b4 I put up the five chpappie! So review!

_Real A/N - Oh, hey. It didn't hurt much as last time. I think I'm getting desensitized. But I still think I'll throw up my potato salad..._

_No, seriously. Review. Or I will die and Annie has to go revive me and Laura's just like helping her while Maya has to go an kick Truth's ass, AGAIN, which she knows I can do it perfectly fine myself. -_- _

_(Sorry, rambling.)_

_-Summer._


	4. The Point Where Summer Wants To Kill Ace

_Real A/N - Ace has been ANNOYING me lately about updating this and I just don't waaaaannnt to, but to get her to SHUT THE HELL UP I'm gonna update this. You reading this Ace? Yeah, it's for you, BUDDY. [/sarcasm]_

_Soo...without further ado, here's the new chapter. _

A/n- OMGGGG leik hi guys, it's meeeeee!1!1 I'm liek, so sos so srry that I colund't updtae sonner, but leik, here i AMMz!1! Soo, herez da the new chpater!1!11

* * *

He gaped, looking very surprised. Then, to my surprise, his eyes narrowed and he scowled. The water bottle in his hand exploded, an effect due to him holding it tightly in his automail hand.

"Brother!" I gasped dramatically.

He clapped his hands and a flash of blue later, he was pointing an automail-sword thingy at my throat. "Who the _HELL_ are you and why do you look like a freakin' slut?"

"Edward!" Winry shrieked, looking very horrified. I was sure that I looked the same - my god, did my _brother, _whom I had not seen in _years _just insult me? I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

"But...but...Ed! I'm your little sister!" I cried desperately. "You're supposed to _love _me!"

"The hell?" he scowled. "You? A - "

"Brother, she's our sister! Why are you acting so mean!" Alphonse scolded him. Edward's head snapped toward him, looking furious. I was sure that I _was _crying by now. My only family, and they _hate _me!

"_She - _if _it _could be called a _she_ - is _not _our family. It's another wannabe that wants to be cool and insert themselves as our 'sister' when they're really fat, stupid, obsessive girls and noobs in real life!"

I looked confused. "What?"

Alphonse, if he had a face, looked the same - but I could imagine how he looked like, because I was psychic and could therefore see his cute boyish face even though I've never met him before this moment in my life.

I'm so awesome, aren't I?

Wait, I could do alchemy too, but...for some reason, I don't feel like it. Truth's my best friend, so like...he'll give me a way out of here later. "Ed, you're making no sense."

He looked ready to about murder someone. "Well, that's because none of you _ever _remember when this happens! It's only me! And you guys _always _fall for it _every. Fucking. Time."_

"..."

"..."

"...Brother, have you gone crazy?"

I pushed away his blade gently when he wasn't paying attention, and mustering up as much courage I could from the deep, damp, bottomest pits of my heart, I looked him fully in the eye. "I'm your sister, Ed. And I won't go away until you're okay with that."

He didn't say anything, but transmuted his blade back into his hand, and turned around, walking toward the door.

"Don't forget, you bitch - you'll be dead soon."

A felt a deep, dark cut in my golden, pure heart that would last for a lifetime with these words.

* * *

a/n - OGMMGMGGG! Ed iz doooso meanie! Leik, he dnd't even liek his sis! Butt dere iz a raeson fer dat! Aanother cliffie!1! :D An no mroe chptaters until I get MIORE rewviews!

_Real A/N - Hey, it really didn't hurt this time. Think I got desensitized? Sorry if it didn't get to make you guys laugh - I know it made Ace laugh, at least a little bit, while I was writing this. Stupid Ace. I'LL UPDATE WHEN I WANT TO. _

_Ahem. _

_So._

_Yeah._

_Review. _


	5. This Awfulness

_THIS IS ON HIATUS. PLEASE HOLD UNTIL AUTHOR MAY RECEIVE HER FUNNINESS AGAIN. SHE IS CURRENTLY IN INCAPACITATION. _

_IT SHALL START AGAIN, THIS PIECE OF SHIT, DON'T WORRY. HOLD ON 'TILL THEN, YOU IMPATIENT BASTARDS. _

_-Summer. _


	6. Summer Grins Evilly In Anticipation

_Real A/N- You guys...I just read My Immortal like, four freaking times so I can write this. -intake of breath- OKAY HERE WE GO BITCHES. _

a/N - hihiheeeyy guiseee!1!2111 i'm baaakkkkkk!11 lol mi sis had 2 go nd gte me sum stuf bt know i'm bak nd u all get knew chpaaappeiieee!1!

* * *

I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder, even though tears were starting to prick at the corner of my eyes. I looked beside me to see Alphonse, giving me this reassuring and caring look. His gloved, armor hand was warm even though he was metal and he shouldn't be warm.

"Brother still needs to get used to the idea, sis," he said gently. "Give him some time!"

Across the house, Ed yelled, "_I ain't givin' her shit!_"

Winry scowled darkly. For a moment, I was tempted to hold her back to tell her that it was alright and she really didn't need to do this for me; after all, I was really sensitive, except for the times when I had to be tough and strong (like the time I fought off the head wolf to be head of pack). So I wiped away my tears.

"EDWARD ELRIC!" Winry boomed, brandishing her wrench. "DON'T YOU DARE BE MEAN TO YOUR SISTER! GET BACK HERE!"

Another reply from Ed: "_Shut up, you bitch! God, none of you know the fucking truth and I ain't gonna keep tellin' ya! Figure it out your damn selves!_" That, along with the sound of something slamming, which resulted in the hurt face of Winry's. Alphonse had mysteriously disappeared.

I came over to her to comfort her. "It's okay," I said, making sure that her own tears didn't fall out, though it seemed very close right about now. "Ed's just...ah, in denial...about both of us." Because, of course, everything is about me. I knew Ed would get over his denial soon, because family should stick together. He was probably just shocked from the new revelation.

Winry sniffed. "No, no," she started dramatically, "He's upset about you, I can tell."

"M-me?" I repeated, even though somewhere in my deep, golden heart I knew it was true.

"Yeah," she sighed, putting her hand on her forehead and looking like she just fainted when she really didn't. I steadied her. "It's Ed. He's just...touchy about family, you know? Al's been the only thing that he's ever had." She paused. "And I don't know...you're just so nice, compared to the others."

I wasn't surprised at her praise, but I blushed modestly. "Thank you," I said, even though her saying that made no sense and was off-topic. "Do you want me to cook tonight? My treat," I offered, taking off my hot pink and glittery coat to reveal my tight black t-shirt that hugged my perfect figure in all the right places.

"You know how to cook?" Winry asked, surprised.

"Of course!" I said, smiling. "I'll make something great!" Because of my short time at the automail shop, I learned how to cook to make my arms respond better to the nerve endings and whatever! I learned all their recipes in one day and got _everything _right and made it all so delicious that they were asking me to cook for them every night!

In fact, all I had to do was snap my fingers, and there was the food on the table, all ready and smelling good. I smiled in appreciation and heard footsteps. I turned around slightly, saying, "I'm done, Winry! We can have dinner at four o'clock instead, ri—"

I was cut off by the vicious scowl on my brother's face, Edward. He glared at me, his golden eyes (almost as beautiful as mine) flickering to my poised hands and then to the food. A shadow fell over his face and I felt something hurt in my heart—after all, he was still in denial, and whatever hurt him hurt me.

"You," he spat, talking low. "We need to have a talk."

* * *

A/n - o noesszzzz!11 y iz ed aktin dis way? no, no rlly guis, i dunt kkno yy! sum1 helpp!111!111 i tink sum1 hickaed in2 mi akcont!

_Real A/N - And now this...er...fake Authoress notices that her work is being taken over by Ed, because he notices that _FINALLY _something is wrong. Well, he's used to it...but in the Authoress's version, Ruby and Ed hit it off instantly and I'm pretty sure somewhere along the way their relationship "develops" and becomes some sort of incest porn fanfic. _

_Don't want that now, do we? Slow updates, guys. Sorry. But hey, at least you get an update!  
_


End file.

Fullmetal Alchemist, Humor, Parody