Slayers Poisoning Pigeons In The Park

The Author's Notes: Hello. Welcome to my second fanfic/songfic. It has been awhile since my last fic but it is very difficult for me to actually sit down and write something (guess I coulda stood) but oh well. And I want to thank everyone who reviewed my first fic. And to those who were inspired to actually go out and get Tom Leher's CD, please let me know if you liked it.  
  
The Disclaimer: This time the disclaimer will be in normal tones, not foreboding like the last time (heh). I do not own The Slayers, nor do I own the song used (Tom Leher does). Please do not sue. Tho I gotta say….if you sue me over this fic (a fic I am not making money from) despite the fact I gave you credit then you know what? You have waaay to much time on your hands. I hear golf is a good game. Go bother Tiger Woods or something.  
  
The Fic Title: The title will be listed below. Pay no attention to this line.  
  
The Note: The song will be in all caps like all of my song fics. Also, so as not to cause confusion. The song will be "played" at the same time as the action is going on. It is not going to be sung, but it is not separate either. And yes I realize that this makes absolutely no sense. Thank you.  
  
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"The setting is the park. There are trees and rat like things and um, more trees and um....Hey Lina...what are those things over there?  
  
"Gourry you jelly-fish brain! Those are pigeons! Give me that script!"  
  
"Um, Lina-San. Where did Ronni-San want these speakers?"  
  
"Behind the benches over there where Xellos is trying to stuff a Frisbee down that dog's throat."  
  
"Thanks Zelgadis-San."  
  
"Xellos you fruitcake! Get over here and help us get this set ready. Ronni-Chan said we have to get this stupid thing done today and I don't feel like missing dinner cause you were too lazy. (Fireball forms in hand) And you don't want me to miss my dinner now DO YOU????"  
  
"Ah Lina-San. You've been drinking Zel-Chan's caffinated coffee again haven't you?"  
  
"Don't call me Chan you fruitcake!!! Ra Tilt!!!"  
  
"Owie...."  
  
"Okay enough everyone. Is everything set up?"  
  
"Yes Ronni-San. The tape is ready and set. So are the pigeons. Ano...where is Filia-San?"  
  
"I gave her the day off. She needed the break after the last song. After she hit Xellos with the mace, he actually tried to get her to do that tango with him. I think she had a breakdown after that so I told her to go rest."  
  
"Hokay....now that the readers are dazed from trying to figure out who said what, it is time to....start the show. (blinks) Um, not dramatic enough lets try that again. Time to START THE SHOW!!!! (confetti appears out of nowhere and covers everyone) Much better. Places everyone."  
  
(Roll Title)  
  
POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK  
  
*Music begins playing. It is a soft melody yet has a sing-song type rhythm to it. Swaying lightly to the music is Amelia, who is seated on a bench next to Xellos who is actually doing nothing at the moment.  
  
Amelia: Oh Xellos-San. Isn't the park so pretty? And so amazing?  
  
Xellos: Why yes Amelia I suppose you could call it amazing. There are lots of things to do in a park. Let this song that will be amazingly coming from out of nowhere tell you why....  
  
*The music gets louder and a deep voice begins to sing:  
  
SPRING IS HERE, SPRING IS HERE  
LIFE IS SKITTLES AND LIFE IS BEER  
  
Gourry: You mean life isn't just babes with no chests? (gets beaten to a bloody pulp by Lina)  
  
Zangulus: You mean life isn't just fighting someone over and over again in a pointless battle in which I will lose every single time? Fight me Gourry!!  
  
Zelgadis: You mean life isn't just searching high and low for a cure to a curse I despise despite the fact everyone else seems to think I 'm hot this way?   
  
Xellos: Didn't you hear? Life is skittles and beer. Pay attention.  
  
I THINK THE LOVELIEST TIME OF THE YEAR IS THE SPRING  
I DO, DON'T YOU, OF COURSE YOU DO  
  
Xellos: (puts his arm around Amelia who shudders) Isn't Spring so wonderful a time of year? The time for colds, the time for hay fever, the time for TAXES!! Ah a wonderful time for a Mazoku. So much angst to go around.  
  
Zel: Freak.  
  
Xellos: (Jumps off the bench, runs up to Zel, and snuggles him) But you love me anyway, right Zel-Chan?  
  
Zel: (growls) Don't....Call....Me....CHAN! (boots Xellos back to the bench, where he lands in an undignified heap next to Amelia)  
  
BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT MAKES SPRING COMPLETE FOR ME  
AND MAKES EVERY SUNDAY A TREAT FOR MEEEEE  
  
Gourry: (scratches his head) Sun day? But isn't it supposed to rain today?  
  
Lina: (rolls her eyes) You know, that is just so dumb that I am not even gonna comment.  
  
ALL THE WORLD SEEMS IN TUNE ON A SPRING AFTERNOON  
WHEN WE'RE POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK  
  
Amelia: (startled) When we're what??  
  
Xellos: (grins and begins eyeing the prop pigeons that are standing on the grass)  
  
EVERY SUNDAY YOU'LL SEE MY SWEETHEART AND ME  
AS WE POISON THE PIGEONS IN THE PARK  
  
Xellos: Come my sweet, let us go cause chaos and mischief among the rat like creatures (grabs Amelia's hand and jumps off the bench and then proceeds to drag Amelia over to the pigeons)  
  
(STOP! Quick Author Note that I forgot to mention. Xellos and Amelia are NOT, I repeat NOT a couple in this story. I know people can be picky about this sort of thing. I just thought that having Justice loving Amelia with pigeon torturing Xellos would be funnier. Okay, back to the fic)  
  
WHEN THEY SEE US COMING, THE BIRDIES ALL TRY AND HIDE  
  
Xellos: (Uses a spell to make the pigeons unable to fly away)  
  
BUT THEY STILL GO FOR PEANUTS WHEN COATED WITH CYANIDE  
  
Xellos: (throws sticky coated peanuts to pigeons) Here birdies birdies birdies!!  
  
Amelia: (Leaps into "Generic Justice Pose" tm) No! I will not allow this travesty to go on a moment further. You are hurting poor defenseless little animals and with JUSTICE as my ally I cannot allow you to continue with your horrid bird-hurting ways. Justice will prevail and the poor birds will once again live in peace and harmony undisturbed by man. They will be allowed to once again roam free, filling the air with their song, the sky with their beauty....  
  
Xellos: The ground with their bird sh... (gets cut off in mid sentence)  
  
Lina: (Has her hand over Xellos' mouth) Hey. Children could be reading this so watch it.  
  
Xellos: (muffled) Muph fhoory  
  
Lina: That's better. (removes her hand from Xellos' mouth and goes over to a conveniently placed sink to wash the Mazoku germs from her hand)  
  
THE SUN SHINING BRIGHT, EVERYTHING SEEMS ALRIGHT  
WHEN WE'RE POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK  
  
Xellos: (giggles as four of the pigeons drop dead) Eight more to go.  
  
Zel: I thought that tango Xellos did was sick, but this is just...pointless. I'm leaving. Call me when the author actually writes a sane story. (leaves)  
  
Amelia: (attempts to cast recovery on the dead pigeons) Dang it. It's not working. If only Filia were here. What about you Lina-San. Can you...  
  
Lina: Forget it Amelia. I am not wasting energy on something that was last nights dinner.  
  
Gourry: We had flying rats for dinner? (gets hit by a fireball)  
  
WE'VE GAINED NOTERIETY AND CAUSED MUCH ANXIETY   
IN THE AUDOBON SOCIETY WITH OUR GAINS  
  
Gourry: Why would a car bond company care whether birds get killed?  
  
Lina: Audubon not auto bond. You know Gourry, you and those pigeons have alot in common; you're both bird brains!!  
  
THEY CALL IT IMPIETY AND LACK OF PROPRIETY  
AND QUITE A VARIETY OF UNPLEASANT NAMES  
  
Xellos: And I would tell you every one of those unpleasant names but alas, time restricts me.  
  
BUT IT'S NOT AGAINST ANY RELIGON  
TO WANT TO DISPOSE OF A PIGEON  
  
Xellos: (grabs a thick book out of mid air) As a matter of fact, it is a required ritual stated in the Mazoku handbook "So You Want To Be A Mazoku Just Like Your Uncle Xellos"  
  
SOOOO IF SUNDAY YOU'RE FREE, WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME  
AND WE'LL POISON THE PIGEONS IN THE PARK  
  
(Three more pigeons drop dead)  
  
AND MAYBE WE'LL DO IN A SQUIRRL OR TWO  
  
Xellos: Here squirrly squirrly squirrly!  
  
WHILE WE'RE POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK  
  
WE'LL MURDER THEM ALL AMID LAUGHTER AND MERRIMENT  
  
Xellos: (grins) We could make a day out of it. Master Xellas would want to invite everyone of course. I hear Valgarv makes a great pigeon pot pie.  
  
Amelia: That's it. If you want to destroy all those poor birds go ahead. But remember, justice will prevail and you will be punished for your crimes.  
  
Xellos: Um...okay. But if the punishment involves spanking, I want Filia to do it.  
  
Filia: (from somewhere off stage) I heard that you namagomi!  
  
EXECPT FOR THE FEW WE TAKE HOME TO EXPERIMENT  
  
Xellos: (begins to unload bottles of strange liquids from a not-there-before bag) Ah still one alive. Lets see if I can mix your DNA with Zel's DNA and get a chimera pigeon. He can be my love slave if the real one won't be.  
  
Zel: (stomps back onto the set) That's just sick. Give me that! (grabs bird away from Xellos and then turns a few shades another color) Hey wait, weren't these pigeons supposed to be fakes?  
  
Lina: Yeah. Aren't they? I set them up myself.  
  
Zel: No, I am pretty sure that this thing is real. (drops the bird and holds out his hand which is covered in bird..uh..poo)  
  
Lina & Gourry: Ewwwww!  
  
Zel: (wipes his hand off on his cloak) Ugh. That Mazoku fruitcake probably knows what happened.  
  
Xellos: (grins like a contented cat) Sore wa himitsu desu.  
  
Lina: (begins to throttle Xellos)  
  
MY PULSE WILL BE QUICKENIN WITH EACH DROP OF STRYCHNINE  
WE FEED TO A PIGEON, IT JUST TAKES A SMIDGEN  
  
Lina: (drops Xellos who is obviously enjoying his thrashing waaay to much and walks away) Why do I bother.  
  
Xellos: (sings along with the tape)  
  
TO POISON A PIGEON IN THE PARK  
  
Xellos: Yay all dead but one. He can be the one to tell all his kind that I am coming for them all. The chase will be most fun. (Follows fleeing pigeon)  
  
Amelia: (is seen building graves for each of the dead pigeons) Poor little things. I am sure that you had a full life filled with birdie happiness. Rest in peace.  
  
The End  
  
Ronni-Chan: (walks onto set and sees the carnage) Eww I could have sworn I used fake birds.  
  
Gourry: Oh I saw Xellos switching them before the music started.  
  
Ronni-Chan: Um, why didn't you say anything?  
  
Gourry: No one asked.  
  
(A mass free-for-all breaks loose as Ronni-Chan, Lina, Zelgadis and Amelia all attempt to beat the hell out of Gourry at the same time)  
  
Ronni-Chan: (Sticks her head out from dust cloud for a moment) Hope you enjoyed this. A lifetime supply of bird seed has been sent to each of the deceased birds family. Sorry for any trauma caused to bird lovers. Ja!!  
  
THE REAL END!!  
  



End file.

Slayers, Humor