Castle 1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: Hey everyone. I know I put this in the summary but I want to put it here also *TRIGGER WARNING-SELF HARM*. I know its a touchy and very sensitive topic, and I know it's been done, and I would normally be the LAST one to write about this...but for many reasons, I just need to write this. I'm very sorry if the topic offends anyone. If it does, please don't read. It will not hurt my feelings. the only thing that will hurt my feelings is rude and negative comments, so please, please, please...remember to be kind.  
**

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since the sniper case. Two weeks since she broke down in her apartment. Two weeks since she broke down in the hallway of that building. Two weeks since she had told Dr. Burke she was ready to face this and start to do the work. Two weeks. Two weeks….and now...well, now she was starting to think this was a bad decision. She thought she was ready for this. She thought she could handle this. Turns out, she was wrong.

She had just arrived home from a session with Dr. Burke and, as usual, she was feeling awful. Having to talk about everything and dredge everything back up. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that it was the only way to get better…but before it makes it better, it makes it worse. Dr. Burke had warned her about this. Warned her that 'stirring up the pot' as he called it, was very trying, and he continually asked her if she was sure she had enough emotional reserves to handle it.

She reassured him she did but tonight; tonight she felt like she was out of strength. She'd been fighting and fighting and she felt like she just couldn't do it anymore. Since she was a private person she didn't want any of her colleagues or friends to know what she was going though. Of course, they knew some of it…but they didn't know how bad it was. They didn't know that for the past several weeks the thought of cutting kept coming to her mind because she simply just didn't know what else to do. She was doing this on her own, and she didn't know how much longer she could keep it up.

She had never cut before and so far, she had been able to resist the urge. She did talk to Dr. Burke about it and he gave her some tools and coping skills to use when she was having the urge to cut. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was extremely difficult, but she had been able to resist. Tonight, however, she didn't feel like she could fight it any more. All she could think about was the fact that she knew if she just cut, she would feel better-even if for a moment. All she could think about was the fact that for a short moment, she would be focusing on the physical pain instead of the emotional turmoil. She didn't want to hurt herself, but she was convinced she could be careful. With shaky hands, she got the scissors out of the drawer and rolled up her left sleeve.

* * *

Castle strolled into the precinct, the usual two cups of coffee in tow, "Good Morning, Detective."

Kate looked up from the paperwork she was doing and tried to give him a smile, but he noticed right away it didn't reach her eyes, "Hey, Castle. Thanks." She said as he sat in his chair and handed her the coffee.

"You ok Kate?"

"Oh, uh, yeah fine. Just tired. Didn't sleep well last night, that's all."

Of course he knew she was lying, but he also knew better than to push her. "Ok, so what do we got on tap for today?"

"Well…unless the phone rings, just paperwork. Sorry partner."

He sighed dramatically, "Well, I guess we should be happy the people of New York are taking a little crime break, even if it means a boring day for us."

Kate laughed, "Us? Since when is there an 'us' where paperwork is concerned?"

Castle reached over and grabbed a pen, "Since today. Hand some over."

She eyed him suspiciously but did as he said, "Why are you being so nice today?"

"What? Detective, you wound me. I am always nice to you."

"Riiiiiight. Just let me know if you have any questions."

"Got it." Castle looked at the form in front of him and she saw that gleam in his eye and she just knew…

"And Castle, stick to the facts. This isn't one of your books, no taking a creative license and making a story out of the case."

"Oh come on, Becket. You don't think the higher up would appreciate a little creativity? I'm sure they would rather read an interesting account instead of the…"

"Castle!" She interrupted.

He held his hands up in surrender, "Fine, fine. Got it. Keep it boring."

She rolled her eyes and got back to work. Several hours later Beckett sighed and rubbed her forehead, "Ok, I need so need more coffee."

"I'll take some too," Castle added, not looking up from the form he was filling out. A few seconds later Castle heard a crash and rushed to the break room. He saw Beckett wiping up coffee and glass from the floor. "You ok? What happened."

She was cursing under her breath, "Damn steam. Its fine, I got it Castle."

"Don't be ridiculous," he said as he got some paper towels and went to help. When he bent down he noticed Kate's left sleeve was covered in coffee.

"Kate, did you burn yourself?"

She looked down at her sleeve and arm covered in coffee. Realizing which arm he was looking at she started to panic, "It's fine Castle."

Not listening, he took her hand and dragged her to the sink, "Kate, you have to run your arm under cold water, it's gonna burn!"

She tried to get out of his grasp, "Castle I'm fine, really. I've got it."

He turned the cold water on, "Stop being so stubborn, Kate."

"Castle…really…"

He pulled up her sleeve as he put her arm under the water. He looked at her, "See, doesn't that feel better." He looked down at her wrist for the first time, "I don't think you got yourself that…"

Kate knew the second he saw the cuts she had made last night. He got totally silent. It felt like time went still. She shut her eyes as hard as she could. No, no no. NO. This could not be happening. No. Suddenly, everything was spinning…

Kate heard Castle shut off the water and felt him dry her wrist of with the towel. Then she felt him lightly tracing his thumb over the cuts on her wrist. "Kate," he whispered, "what happened?"

Kate finally opened her eyes, but looked at the floor, "N…nothing, Castle." Her voice croaked out, "I just got scratched." She tried to pull her arm away but he kept a firm hold on it.

He shook his head, "Look me in the eye and tell me that."

"Castle, let me go and drop it." She finally broke free of his grasp.

She went to turn around and leave but Castle ran ahead of her and shut the door to the break room, blocking her path. "What happened Kate?"

"Castle, I said drop it." Kate said, raising her voice.

Castle raised his voice as well, "No! Not until you tell me what really happened."

"I told you, I got scratched."

"Bullshit!" Castle grabbed her left arm and pulled up her sleeve, "This is not just a scratch Kate."

"Castle, stop!" she yelled, pulling her arm away from him.

They stood there for a few minutes in silence, both breathing heavy, until Castle spoke, this time in a whisper, "Kate, please. Please tell me what's going on. What happened?"

Kate finally looked at him and he saw the fear in her eyes, "I…I, Castle I can't."

He gently took her hand and led her to the couch. She didn't resist. As much as she didn't want him finding out, maybe it would help if she had someone to talk to. Maybe she would feel less alone. But she couldn't tell him. When they sat on the couch Kate immediately looked anywhere but at Castle's face. "Kate look at me, please." When she finally looked at him he took a deep breath. He was afraid to hear the answer to this, but he needed to know, "Kate, did you cut yourself?"

She looked at him, stunned. She never thought he would just ask her outright. "I…I…" Kate shut her eyes and tears leaked out. He had his answer.

"Oh, Kate." He tried to give her a hug.

She allowed it for half a second before pulling away and jumping off the couch, "No. No, Castle I'm fine. Just please, leave me alone ok." Before he could say anything else she had ran out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Castle sat there, too stunned to move. Did that really just happen? God...what was he supposed to do? He ran a hand over his face. He felt like he was in a no win situation. He knew if he pushed her she would just pull away. On the other hand, there was obviously no way he could just simply ignore this and act like nothing happened.

Sighing, he got up and slowly walked out of the breakroom. After a quick scan, he realized she wasn't there. He walked over to Ryan and Esposito who were going over some paperwork, "Hey guys, where's Beckett?

Esposito looked up from the stack of papers, "Said she had some stuff she needed to take care of and would be gone for the rest of the day."

"Did she say where she was going?" Ryan and Esposito just gave him a look, "Ok, I know, I know. Stupid question."

"Everything ok, Castle?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, yeah. Course. Everything's fine. You know, since we don't have a case I think I'll head home, get ahead on some writing." The boys eyed him suspiciously, "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Later Bro." Esposito said.

As he started walking off Ryan stopped him, "Hey Castle..." When Castle turned around, he continued, "Take care of her okay? We care about her too...she's our sister."

Castle nodded, "I know. I"ll do my best."

* * *

Kate was still pacing her apartment when she heard a knock at the door. Her stomach dropped. She knew it was Castle. She just _knew_. She slowly walked to the door and looked through the peep hole. When her suspicions were confirmed she tightly shut her eyes, clenching her hands into fists. She could not do this right now. She could not talk to him about this. Lost in her thoughts, she jumped when he knocked again and yelled from the other side of the door, "Come on Kate, I know you're home. You can let me in or I can use my key, but I'm not leaving." She clenched her fists tighter. Ugh, this man. Why couldn't he understand she just could NOT talk about this? "Kate!"

Realizing he wasn't leaving, she hastily opened the door, "Can't you take a hint, Castle? I don't want to talk about this!" He shoved his way into her apartment without a word and closed her door behind him. "Castle!"

He took a deep breath, "Look, Kate...I understand you don't want to talk about this; don't want to re-live it...but I need to know your safe. If you don't want to talk to me about it that's fine, but you need to talk to someone. I can't just let this go without knowing your getting help, you know that."

"So if I told you I was safe and getting help, would you let it go?" Kate asked, slight annoyance still in her voice.

"That depends" he said.

"On what, Castle?"

"Whoever you are talking to...whoever you are going to to get help, are you going to tell them what happened?" Kate just shook her head yes. "You're going to be honest?"

"God! Yes, Castle! I'll tell him what happened!"

"When are you going?"

"That's none of your business Castle!"

"How is making sure you're safe not by business Kate!?"

"Fine, I go tomorrow, ok?! Are you satisfied?"

Castle nodded, "For now..." He wanted to make her promise she wouldn't cut until she talked to whoever it was that was helping her. Hell, he wanted to make her promise she would never do it again, but he knew he couldn't make her promise that. That was a sure fire way of having her push him away. All he could do is hope she would let him stay with her for a little while so he could keep an eye on her, and if she was going to see someone tomorrow...hopefully they would help. "So, uh...if I promise to let it go now and move on, can I stay and keep you company? We can watch a movie...and oh, I totally need a rematch in scrabble! That word you played last week...totally not a word!"

Kate finally gave a slight smile, "It was in the dictionary, Castle!"

"Well...the dictionary was wrong!" he smiled back.

She scoffed. "Ok, you can stay...but only because I want to prove I can beat you fair and square!"

He smiled. Thank God. He was letting her stay. At least he could keep her company for a little while. As long as she didn't get overwhelmed, hopefully she would be fine. He knew she would never admit it, but she looked a little relieved to have company...to not be alone.

* * *

Kate sat in front of Dr. Burke, her leg shaking anxiously.

"How are you doing today, Kate? How was your week."

"Uhm...I"m ok. It was ok."

"Care to elaborate?" She just looked down. After a few minutes of silence he continued, "Did something happen this week, Kate?" She looked up at him and by the look in her eyes, he knew there was something going on, "Kate, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened."

"I..." her mouth suddenly felt like it was full of cotton, "I can't..."she said softly, looking down again.

He nodded his head in understanding, "Do you want me to give you some choices?" She shook her head yes. She knew she had to tell him but she just couldn't say it. "Ok, are we talking about cutting?" Her head snapped up in shock. She couldn't believe he got it on the first try. Dr. Burke knew by her reaction he had guessed right, "Kate, did you have an episode where you cut yourself?" She nodded her head slightly.

"Ok," he said calmly, "What did you use?"

Kate was surprised...that was his first question? Really, not...'why would you do that' or 'how many times'..."I...I'm not trying to be difficult but...does that matter?"

"Well, if there is a specific object that you use, we discuss staying way from it."

"Scissors," she said softly.

"And how did you feel when you were doing it?

"I just...I didn't know what else to do. I was so overwhelmed with everything and so upset and it was just so intense and I just...I couldn't talk to anyone because no one would understand so it was the only thing I could do and I...I felt better and worse at the same time...I didn't feel the intensity and I didn't feel so overwhelmed but I felt guilty and I just...I don't know..."

"Well, you know I am not here to berate you, you know that is the last thing I would ever do. But that guilt you were feeling...that was appropriate guilt. You did something you knew, deep down, you shouldn't do." Kate just nodded her head, unable to speak, "Can you pinpoint what caused the overwhelming, intense emotion? Was it something that happened, or was it a thought?"

They spent the next 50 minutes discussing the thoughts that led to the overwhelming, intense emotions and by the end of the session, Kate was totally fried.

"Ok Kate, I just want to remind you that you can call me anytime. I'm always on call, so if you feel that way again, and you try the techniques and coping skills we talked about and it isn't working, call me ok?

"I...I would feel bad bother you at home..I mean..."

"Kate," he interrupted gently, "this is my job. This is what I signed up for...I chose this. And I much rather you call then cut, ok?" Kate simply nodded, "Ok, so does that mean you'll call."

"Yes, I'll call."

"Ok. I"ll see you next week. Take care, Kate."

Kate ran her hand through her hair...she definitely needed a distraction right now. She always felt horrible after therapy sessions and today was no different...it was actually worse. As she got in her car she thought about the things on her list of distractions and ways to cope and she decided she would go home and change and go for a run. Castle was at the bottom of the list...Burke making her pick at least two friends she could call when she was feeling like cutting. Not to talk about how she was feeling, necessarily...just to strike up a conversation so she could re focus. She put Lanie and Castle...but now that Castle knew...she didn't know how she would ever face him again. She tried to act normal last night and she'll admit, she had a little fun. But the more she thought about it, the more embarrassed she was he knew. She couldn't face him...she just couldn't. So...she would run. She would run until the overwhelming sense of emotion and desperation and was replaced with exhaustion. She would run and run as long as she could.

**A/N: I want to thank those of you who have followed/favorited. I would also like to thank those who reviewed for their kind words. I know it might seem like Castle should have done more...but don't forget Kate is an adult and treating her like she is broken and hovering will just make her pull away. Again, thank you for reading and thanks for the kind words-they mean alot to me.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

The next several weeks came and went. Kate continued to see Dr. Burke. Even though Dr. Burke assured her it was a process and it would take time, Kate still wasn't happy with the progress she was making. She wanted to feel better now. She didn't want to wait to deal with all the underlying issues to truly feel better…she wanted to fix everything now.

Over the past weeks she had avoided Castle as much as possible. Of course, he continued to come to the precinct and help with cases, but she kept their conversations about business. She was embarrassed to be around him. Embarrassed because he knew everything. Embarrassed because she was sure he thought she was weak. People have always thought she was so strong, but now Castle knew that was all an act; she wasn't strong…she couldn't handle everything. She felt like a farce. She wasn't what everybody thought she was. Other than Dr. Burke, Castle was the only one that knew about the cutting and she planned to keep it that way. She could barely face Castle, she couldn't imagine anyone else knowing. Castle continued to try and invite her to do things, asking her if she wanted to come to the loft for dinner, asking her if she wanted to go for a drink after a case…the man was persistent. But she turned him down every time, finding some excuse; she was tired, she had some paperwork to finish up, she had errands she had to run. She just couldn't face him outside work, when she knew the conversation would turn personal.

Castle was getting more and more worried as the weeks went on. He knew she was pulling away, and he knew why, but nothing he tried worked. He wasn't going to give up though, so as Beckett put her last piece of paperwork in the file, he decided to try again, "So do you want to go catch a movie or something? There are a few good ones that just came out."

Kate stood up and began putting her jacket on, "Sorry, Castle. I have a lot of errands I have to take care of. Next time?"

She started walking away but he stopped her, "That's what you said the last time Kate. And the time before that."

Kate turned around angrily, "Well I'm sorry Castle, I'm sorry I'm busy and I can't always entertain you."

Castle walked over to her, "You aren't busy Kate, your avoiding me. Don't forget, I know you…I know you're trying to push me away. That's why your acting so mean right now, you're hoping I get angry and walk away but you know what, it's not going to work."

Kate walked away before he could say anymore, walking to take the stairs so she wouldn't be stuck in the elevator with him. Castle started to follow her but thought better of it. He would let her cool off and try to talk to her later.

Kate decided to stop by the grocery store so she wouldn't completely be lying. As she was walking through the baking isle a pair of people caught her eye. A little girl, no older than 6, was standing near her mom, bouncing up and down with excitement.

The little girl, staring at her mom with big green eyes and brown curls, so similar to Kate at that age, pulled the chocolate chips off the shelf, "Can we make daddy some chocolate chip cookies mommy!? They're his favorite!"

The little girl's mother looked down and smiled at her baby, "Of course, I told you we could make some cookies together this weekend! Chocolate chip sound perfect, daddy will be so excited!"

"Yay, thank you mommy! I love you! I can't wait!" the little girl jumped up and down and then flung herself into her mother's arms.

The mother laughed, "I love you too baby girl! We'll have so much fun."

Kate couldn't stand it anymore. All she could see was her and her mother. They would always bake together; that was one of their special things. All of the sudden her mind was spinning with memories of shopping with her mother, of baking cookies and pies and cakes…her mom teaching her to draw with the frosting…her mom sneaking her a freshly baked cookie before dinner behind her father's back…of her accidently getting flour in her mother's hair and being so scared she would be mad, until her mom got a fistful of flour and blew it in her face and started an all out flour war. She would never have those moments again. She wouldn't get to see her mom baking with her children, teaching her kids the secret family recipes. She would never have any moments with her mom again. She was all alone. She had no one. She grabbed her purse and, leaving her bag of groceries behind, ran as fast as she could out of the store. She drove home as fast as she could, her breathing becoming shallow, her heart racing.

As soon as she shut her door she leaned against it and slammed her eyes shut. She tried to take a few deep breaths but she couldn't. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. She walked to her kitchen and stood there, just staring at the drawer she knew had her knives. She rubbed a hand over her face in frustration. Dr. Burke had told her to call him if she felt like cutting, and she had told him she would, but at this moment she didn't want to call him. She didn't want to go for a run. She didn't want to read a book, or go for a drive. She didn't want to do anything that was on her list of distractions. She wanted to cut.

'Screw it,' she thought as she walked to the drawer, 'who cares, no one will know.' She just kept telling herself that as she took the knife out. She knew what Dr. Burke would say but he just didn't understand, none of those 'distractions' made her feel better. None of those distractions made her feel better. She wanted to feel better. She _needed_ to feel better. She couldn't take this anymore. She had to do something. She couldn't risk anyone accidently finding out so, with shaky hands she lifted her shirt and lowered the top of her pants just enough to reveal her lower abdomen. Before she could second guess herself she made a cut, bigger than the first cuts she made. That didn't help…she still didn't feel better. Getting more frustrated, she made another cut, taking all her frustration and pain out on her body. She started to feel better so she made a third cut. It was then that she realized something. The first time, after she made a few cuts, she felt better. This time, she just wanted to keep going. Was this what Dr. Burke was talking about? He kept telling her that cutting was a slippery slope, but she didn't understand…didn't necessarily believe him. But now, as she was standing in her kitchen with a knife in her hands, she understood. She felt it. The first time she felt guilty, this time she didn't. Not only was it easier to justify and cut this time, she found she didn't want to stop. It was helping even more this time…and she didn't want to stop. She dropped the knife and covered her mouth with her hands as she started crying and shaking. She fell to the floor. God, what had she done?


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow. It's amazing to see that people have been reading and favoriting and following. Thank you so much. And for all of you who reviewed...THANK YOU THANK YOU. I CANNOT tell you how much it means to me, you just have no idea.  
**

* * *

She was about to make another cut when there was a loud knock at the door. She jumped, dropping the knife in surprise.

"Hey, Kate. It's Castle, open up."

'Shit!' She thought. "Uhm, just a second!" She ran to the bathroom to grab a tissue. She quickly wiped the blood of her stomach before throwing it away. She took a few deep breaths, willing herself to calm down. "Coming Castle!" she yelled. She forced a smile on her face as she opened the door and tried to sound as normal as possible. "Hey Castle, What's up?"

"I wanted to apologize. I'm not trying to be annoying and nosey, I just…I'm worried."

The sincerity in his voice almost broke her but she forced the tears back. She cleared her throat so her voice wouldn't break, "It's fine Castle. Thanks for coming by. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Well I was hoping, since I was here, maybe we could hang out? I can make us some of my special hot chocolate and we could just veg and watch a movie? That is…if you didn't want to be alone. Like I said, I'm not trying to be annoying or pushy I just…"

Kate opened her mouth, automatically about to respond with a 'no,' but then she thought better of it. Maybe there was a reason he came by tonight. Maybe it was a sign. Hell, if he hadn't have come when he did she would have cut again…who knows how many more times. Maybe this was the universes way of telling her she needed to stop (if you believed in that sort of thing). Regardless, the urge had started to pass and she realized that company might be nice; if nothing else, it would keep her from cutting more. Man…she really needed to talk to Dr. Burke about this. What had just happened? All well, maybe she could just move on for right now, try and block it out. She took a deep breath, "It ok Castle. Why…why don't you come on it?"

She saw the shock on Castle's face before he quickly schooled his features, not trying to act to excited, "Really?"

She rolled her eyes and a slight smile appeared on her face; a real one, "Yes, really. Now would you come in before I change my mind?"

"Ok, ok. Wouldn't want that." He said quickly as he walked in. He immediately started for the kitchen, "I'll start on the hot chocolate, you pick any movie you like. Your choice."

"Sounds good," she said as she shut the door and walked over to her entertainment center. She bent down and started looking through her movie collection for a comedy. She decided something funny was definitely in order tonight.

She was narrowing her choices down when she heard Castle, "Kate…"

She stood up and narrowed her eyes in confusion. What was going on? She could tell by the strain in his voice something was wrong. She made her way to the kitchen, "Yeah, Castle…what…" she stopped in her tracks when she saw Castle holding the knife. 'son of a…' she thought. She was in such a hurry to get to the door that she completely forgot that she had dropped the knife on the floor. It wouldn't have been a bid deal if there wasn't blood on the tip of the knife. Castle wasn't stupid. He knew what blood on a knife looked like. And he knew….he knew. He would put two and two together.

"Kate…"

The panic she was feeling earlier started to return. Her heart feeling like it would thump out of her chest, her vision becoming narrow, the lightheadedness…it was all coming back. "Ca…" her voice broke so she tried again, "Castle, it isn't what you think."

"Oh, it's not." He questioned softly, walking toward her.

"No, it's not."

Castle just shook his head, "Kate, don't lie to me."

"I'm not…" she pulled up her sleeves, revealing her wrists, which only had the faded cuts from weeks before, "See! Look…nothing!"

He took a deep breath "Wrists aren't the only place to cut, Kate. Particularly if you are trying to make sure no one will see." How…how did he? How did he know? Her panic increased tenfold. "Just please, tell me the truth. Whatever the truth is Kate, it's ok. I promise. We'll deal with it…together. But you…you have to tell me. Please." He begged.

It was then she noticed his voice starting to break. She looked at him and saw the hurt and worry and fear in his eyes. It broke her nearly as much as seeing that little girl with her mom, "Castle, I'm fine."

"You're not." He stated simply. "Kate, do you have any idea how hard it is to watch your best friend self-destructing? How hard it is to see someone you care about spiral down deeper and deeper and refuse to let you help? It's not fair to the people who care about you. The people who LOVE you."

Kate shut her eyes, tears threatening to leak out, "What do you want from me Castle?" Her voice was barely audible.

Castle put the knife on the counter and took Kate's hands. Her eyes opened at the feel of him holding her hands. He gripped them tight, "I want you to tell me the truth. I want you to let me help. That's all I want." A big part of her wanted to tell him. A big part of her wanted to let him help because, God, it was so unbelievably hard carrying this burden alone. A big part of her was glad he showed up tonight because she just didn't know what to do anymore. "Kate I promise you, no matter what…nothing is going to make me think less of you. We all have our own battles and demons to fight. ALL of us. It doesn't make you weak." The tears that had been threatening to fall finally fell. He pulled her into a hug and was relieved that instead of fighting him, she was holding on to him tightly.

"I'm scared, Castle." Kate whispered, her voice shaky.

"Kate I promise you, everything is going to be ok. You're going to get through this." He felt her shake her head in disagreement, "You will Kate. Nothing lasts forever."

Kate finally pulled away a bit and looked at him with tears in her eyes, "How?"

He squeezed her arms, "You let the people who care about you help. You let us in. You don't have to do this alone." She could only nod as the tears had started flowing again. "Will you tell me what happened tonight?"

"I…" she took a deep breath, "I really did run an errand…I went to the grocery store. I was in the baking isle and I saw this little girl with her mom. She was so excited because they were going to make cookies and, I don't know…all of the sudden all I could think about was my mom and how we used to bake together and how now I'm all alone and I…I ran out of the store and got home as fast as I could and I…I just…"

"Didn't know what else to do?"

She nodded, praying he wouldn't ask for details. Praying he wouldn't ask to see. She couldn't get into that, especially when it was so fresh. Hell, Dr. Burke didn't even ask where she cut, never asked her to go into that much detail. He said he has to have a good reason to make her re-live it that much, and she was grateful for that. "Castle, please don't ask to…"

He immediately nodded his understanding, "I won't. Don't worry." He saw her sigh in relief. A few moments of silence went by and he could tell she was getting uncomfortable and didn't know what to do now, "Can I make a proposition?"

"Okk…." She asked, slightly confused.

"Why don't we forget the movie and get out of here. I'll take you to go get some frozen yogurt, my treat."

Kate looked at him, clearly surprised, "What?!"

"Frozen yogurt! I mean, I know its freezing out but come on, it's never too cold for frozen yogurt. Besides, I don't know about you, but I could really use some right about now."

"I..I, you don't want to…"

He interrupted, "Oh, no, I do want to talk more, and we will. But right now, I think the best thing is just getting out of this apartment and having a treat. Forget about it for a while, ok? We'll figure it out later…TOGETHER. But for now, let's just relax. What do you say?"

Kate shook her head in disbelief. God this man was amazing. How did he know just what she needed? "Ok."

Castle raised his eyebrows, "Ok?"

"Yeah…" she said softly, looking him in the eyes, "ok."

And as they walked out of the apartment he realized that she wasn't just saying 'ok' to the frozen yogurt…she was saying 'ok' to letting him help. She was finally accepting his help. He said a silent prayer of thanks as he led her to the elevator. He knew this was only the beginning of a long road ahead…but he didn't care. She was letting him help, and he was ready to do anything he could.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Thank you so much for all your kind words. I know unless you have gone through this, or know someone who has, this might be kind of hard to relate to. This story is not going to just be about cutting. I want this story to be about overcoming a struggle. Everyone has their own struggles they have to fight and overcome so I figure that is something everyone will be able to relate to.  
**

At first they were eating their frozen yogurt and chatting; not about anything in particular, just talking about anything. They had been sitting in silence for a few minutes now. Castle was about to say something but Kate beat him to it. She took a deep breath and set her spoon in her yogurt cup, "look, Castle. I…I said okay…and I meant it. I just, can you give me some time here? I honestly don't know how to talk to you about this and just thinking about it makes me anxious. Would you let me talk to Dr. Burke about this before we talk about it? I need to ask him how to even be ok talking about this with someone and I don't know how you can help…I, I just don't know. So can we not talk about it until I have a discussion with him?

"Kate, of course. I'm not here to MAKE you talk…I just want you to let me help. If talking to me about it makes you panic more that's the last thing I want."

Kate ran a frustrated hand through her hair, "It's not just talking to you…it's talking about it in general…and I just don't know what to say. I want to talk to you about it…I mean, I don't, but I do…and I…"

Castle set his spoon down and grabbed her hand, "Hey. It's ok. This is at your pace here. You just let me know HOW I can help. That's all I want."

"Really?"

"Oh, Kate, of course. I know I haven't always been the best at respecting your boundaries but…" Kate scoffed at him, "BUT," he emphasized playfully, then turned serious, "I promise you, as long as you are telling me you'll accept help, I will always accept your boundaries with this. Ok?"

"O…Ok." Kate said, shocked.

"So, when do you see Dr. Burke again?"

"Umm…Thursday."

He nodded, "So will you...after you talk to him, will you just tell me how I can help?

Kate gave him a slight smile, "Yes."

"Thank you. Now…enough serious talk. Have I told you about my mother's latest play? I don't think Alexis and I are going to survive. She is having to have rehearsals at the house still. I don't know how many more hours I can take hearing Nate mess up Shakespeare. I mean, seriously…the man just butchers it!"

Kate laughed. She couldn't handle talking to him about cutting but hearing about Martha's latest exploits…now that she could do.

* * *

Dr. Burke ushered Kate into his office, "Ok, Kate, you seem a little more anxious than normal."

"Uhh, well, yeah." Kate said, looking down and beginning to fidget with her hands.

"What's going on?"

"Well, I…a few nights ago I was at the grocery store. I was walking through the baking isle and I saw this little girl with her mom." she stopped, having a difficult time continuing.

"It's okay, Kate. Take your time, I'm listening."

She nodded, took a deep breath, then continued, "I…I just flashed back to me and my mom and when we would bake together and all of the sudden I couldn't breathe…I was dizzy and I felt like I was suffocating. I just left my groceries there and rushed home. I didn't, I didn't know what to do and I was so overwhelmed and I know I should have called you but I just couldn't and I…I don't know. I felt stuck."

Dr. Burke nodded his head in understanding. She knew he knew what she was talking about, "It's ok."

Kate shook her head, "No it's not. It's not ok. I should have called…" Kate was always so surprised at how calm and composed this man always stayed. How did he do that?

"It is ok, Kate. Let's just talk more about how you were feeling, similar to what we did last time. Try and identify the emotions so we can break them up and talk about each one, ok?"

After time was almost up, Dr. Burke began to close the session. "Ok, so you're going to keep journaling, right?" Kate nodded. "Ok. I have to tell you, something I would like to talk about next time is medication." Kate started to object but he held up his hand to stop her, "I know, you've expressed that you didn't want to rely on medication, and I respect that. But Kate, if it means the difference between you cutting and not, we need to find a way to keep your anxiety level below a 7/8…so those urges are less frequent, and more manageable. I'm about helping people, Kate. Cutting is not going to help you. Something that will keep your anxiety from getting to the level where you have the urge to cut…that is what's going to help, ok? You don't have to make a decision right now. I'm just wanting you to think about it, and we can discuss it next time ok?"

"Ok," she said softly."

"All right. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Well, I…I told you that Castle is the only one that knows the extent of what's going on, right." Dr. Burke nodded, "Well, I…you said I shouldn't try and do this alone…that I should let the people I care about help but how…how do I do that? How do I talk to him about this? How can he help? I just…I feel like he can't really help, he can't possibly understand this…how can he help? How am I supposed to LET him help?

Dr. Burke gave her a soft smile, "You allow yourself to be comforted Kate."

Kate looked at him confused, "What?"

"You are so hell bent on being independent…it means so much to you. I think if you could cut yourself some slack and realize it's OK to let the people who care about you help you…talking to Castle would be a bigger help than you think. Allow him to comfort you…let yourself be comforted." Kate nodded her understanding. "As far as how to talk to him about it because he won't understand…he may not have gone through this exact thing, he may not have ever experience the urge to cut. But everyone has experienced emotions. It may not be as intense for everyone, but everyone can relate to feeling scared and angry and overwhelmed and anxious and sad and frustrated, etc…don't you think?"

"Well…yeah."

"So, that's where you start. Talk to him about how you're feeling. Talk to him about the emotions behind it. He may not have ever felt them as intensely as you're feeling them, but I guarantee he can think of a time when he felt some of the same emotions…felt overwhelmed and not known what to do.

"I…I'll try."

"That's all I ask. You try."

They got up and he walked Kate to the door, "Take care, Kate. I'll see you next week. And call me if you need anything, ok?"

"Ok. Thanks."

As she was walking out of the building she started feeling that now familiar feeling of panic. Damn it, every time she left this stupid place. Every time she had to dredge everything up it just seemed to make it worse. She felt like she was in the world worst catch 22….she had to talk about this with Dr. Burke for it to get better…but talking about it made all those feelings come to the surface. She took a deep breath as she got into her car. She grabbed her phone and went to her favorites screen. Her finger hovered over a number. If she wasn't able to talk to someone right now she knew that her feelings were just going to spiral out of control. Before she could change her mind she pressed the number to dial and after a few rings, the familiar, comforting voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Castle, hey. Do you…did you have a sec?"

"Always, Kate."

**And? What's the verdict? I'm sorry this is a shorter chapter but I wanted to touch on how difficult it can be to talk about this kind of stuff. I figured after the few rough chapters at the beginning, a kind of positive one will do. However; remember, sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. This is by no means the end of Kate's struggle.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi everyone! So no-I haven't forgotten about this story! The last few months I've just been going through a lot. I promise I would never abandon a story unfinished. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. **

* * *

A week later Kate was practically running out of Dr. Burke's office to her car. She just had to get out of here. She didn't know what to do, but she KNEW she just knew she had to get out of here. When Dr. Burke had said he wanted to discuss medication next time, he wasn't kidding. Despite her efforts to change the topic, he could not be swayed. So, she spent the majority of her session arguing with the man about taking something. She was very adamant about not wanting medication help, even after Dr. Burke's talk. She didn't want to rely on medication, and she didn't think it would work anyway. Nothing else had been working. He told her to journal and that wasn't working. He told her to keep exercising and that wasn't working. He told her to let Castle in and…well, she was trying as best she could on that…but it wasn't helping. NOTHING was helping. She was feeling the same. So why should she believe medication would make a difference. It was just something else she would put hope into working that would let her down, and then she would feel even worse than before. She and Dr. Burke had just gone in circles all hour and she was beyond frustrated and upset. Why couldn't he understand? Why couldn't he just understand that she DIDN'T have the strength to keep trying things and having them not work? AAHHHH. She wanted to scream.

She jumped in her car, blasted the radio, and sped home. When she finally parked at her building she realized she was lucky she got there safely; she was definitely not focused on driving at the moment. She ran inside and slammed the door and started pacing her apartment. Her breathing was becoming more erratic and she knew this was the beginning. She took out her cell phone and was about to call Caste but then hesitated, throwing her phone on the couch. She couldn't just run to him every time. She had to learn to deal with this without him. The reality was she was alone, so she had to learn to deal with this alone. She tried to take a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair as she continued pacing. She continued pacing for a few minutes before she walked quickly into the kitchen. Once she got into the kitchen it felt like everything was suddenly in slow motion; like she was suddenly in a movie and it was one of those scenes that seemed to go slowly frame by frame. She walked to the drawer where her knives were and took another deep breath, running a frustrated hand down her face. God…what was she supposed to do. That drawer. She knew if she just opened that drawer and got a knife she could end this is one minute. That drawer. That drawer that held something she wanted yet didn't want at the same time. That drawer. She stood there and stared at that drawer for over 10 minutes, her mind debating back and forth like a ball in a tennis match.

Finally, she quickly opened up the drawer and pulled out the same knife she had used to cut last time. She gripped the knife. She gripped it so hard her knuckles turned white; gripped it like she was drowning and it was her only lifeline-which is exactly what it felt like. She was drowning and she was holding her lifesaver, but she wasn't supposed to use it. But if she didn't use it, how was she supposed to not drown? If she dropped it she would drown, and she was sick and tired of drowning. But she had her list. Her list of things she was supposed to do instead of cut. But….last time she followed that list it took over an hour before she felt better. But she did feel better eventually….and she didn't cut. But she couldn't go through an hour like that again. But the more she cut the easier it became to do; the easier it became to justify. But she could feel better in just two minutes. GAH. She went back and forth for what seemed like forever. Finally she gripped her forehead…God, she couldn't think anymore. She just couldn't. She threw the knife on the counter before she did something half of her brain would regret and ran to her room. As fast as she could she changed into her work out clothes and ran out the door. She sped to the gym she belonged to and got there in record time. She scanned her card and got to one of the treadmills as fast as she could.

She ran. She ran and ran for a mile. After a mile she still didn't feel better so she kept running. Because she was so upset and couldn't control her breathing, she could not run as much as she usually could. After two miles she had to stop. She wanted to keep going to her lungs just couldn't' take it anymore. But she didn't feel better. She left the treadmill to get a sip of water, then went back and walked for a while and got her breath back. Once she could breathe semi-normally again she upped the speed on the treadmill and ran until she couldn't anymore. When she felt like she was going to pass out she hit the 'off' button on the treadmill with frustration. God…if she could just get her breathing under control she could keep running…but she just couldn't. She had run miles and she still felt like cutting. She still wanted to race home and get that knife she left on the counter…but she couldn't run anymore. Her lungs were on fire and her face beet red. Since she couldn't run anymore she decided she had no choice but to go home, even though she didn't feel better. What else was she supposed to do? She couldn't run anymore. Oh how she wanted to…but she physically couldn't.

A shower. That's what she could do. She could take a shower as soon as she got home. Or…she could get that knife. She spend the whole drive home thinking about it. When she got home, before she could change her mind she literally ran to the shower. She ran to the shower, leaving a trail of clothes behind her so she could get in as soon as she got to the bathroom. She turned the water on as hot as she could handle and slowly sat down on the floor of the shower. Only then did she let the tears fall. Again, nothing was working. Running didn't work…now she was stuck here, sitting on the floor of her shower crying. She grabbed her knees and pulled them up under her chin, holding herself tight. She put her head in her arms and cried. As her tears mixed with the water one word kept coming to her mind. Her brain kept repeating it like a broken radio—'stuck…Stuck….STuck…STUck…STUCk…STUCK. She was stuck. Stuck in this spiral. Stuck with feeling like this and nothing was going to help.

At least in the shower she was safe. So, she stayed in the shower, sitting on the floor and letting the water run over her. She stayed in the shower…waiting. Waiting for the feeling to pass. Waiting to NOT want to cut. Waiting to not feel helpless. Just waiting….waiting to be able to breathe.

**So what did you think? I know this might seem like a little much...and the thoughts might seem scattered. But, when you feel this way, thoughts ARE scattered. I hope it isn't too much. I really would LOVE to know all your thoughts, but PLEASE PLEASE be kind. I know if you have never felt like this, this might seem unrealistic and be hard to understand. I hope I wrote it in a way that you all can relate with; even if this is something you've never gone through (which of course I hope it is not!)  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you so much for all the kind words and the follow and favorites! Writing this story means a lot to me and is very personal so it is nice to hear that it is meaning something to others as well. Please keep reviewing and letting me know what you think! This is a long chapter and I really hope you all enjoy.**

* * *

Kate wasn't sure how long she stayed in the shower; long enough for her fingers and toes to look like prunes. When she finally decided she was cried out and too exhausted to do anything she shouldn't she got out and dried off. She looked at the clock and saw that she had been in the shower for about 45 minutes. She took a deep breath; hey-should could take a deep breath now. That felt good. Finally! She took another as she got dressed. When she walked in the living room and looked at her phone she realized it had been about two hours since this started. Wow. Two hours. That was an awful two hours. It was awful and horrible but she made it. She allowed herself a small smile. She did it. It was horrible, and she wasn't sure she could do it again…but she did it. She plopped down on the couch and decided she needed to find a funny show to watch. She flipped for a few minutes and found that The Big Bang Theory and Friends were both on. She decided she would flip between the two shows until she was ready to crash for the night.

* * *

When she woke up the next working she noticed two things. One-she was exhausted. Not she tired…but utterly exhausted and drained from all the emotion the day before. Two-it was FREEZING in her apartment. When she was finally able to drag herself out of bed she looked at the thermostat and it was blinking. Damn it! Something wasn't working. She tried replacing the battery but it still didn't work. UGH. She got dressed and ready as fast as she could so she could get out of her cold apartment. She decided she would text her landlord as soon as she got to the office.

An hour later she was reading through some reports when Castle walked in. Of course he immediately saw how tired she was. Hey, Kate. Everything OK?" He asked as he handed her a cup of coffee.

She took it gratefully, 'oh thank you! Yea, just uh…just a long night."

He eyed her suspiciously, "What happened."

She shook her head, "Castle I really don't want to talk about it."

"Kate…" he started, but she cut him off by grabbing his arm and pulling him into the break room. She quickly shut the door.

"Look, Castle…if you are asking me to let you help me with this, you have to trust me to be honest with you, ok? If that happened, I would be honest and tell you."

"Well, I'm glad. But, I hope you would call me before…"

"Castel! I'm telling you I'll be honest with you here ok…that in itself is hard for me and I'm…"

"Ok, ok…your right. I'm sorry. But…something happened…."

"Yes, something happened. But THAT didn't happen. A bad night happened, ok. Nothing else."

He gave her a sincere smile, "Well good for you. You should be really proud." She shook her head, "Seriously, Kate, you should be."

"Ok, come on. We've got work to do." As they were walking out of the break room Kate's cell phone buzzed with a text message. She took it out of her pocket to read it. "Damn it!" She said, putting her phone back in her pocket.

"What is it?" Castle asked as they sat down.

"It's my landlord. Something is going on with my heat or thermostat or something…I woke up to a freezing apartment. I text him this morning to let him know but apparently everybody's heat is broken. He said he can't find a guy to come fix it for at least a day or two. In the meantime, I'm stuck with no heat in New York in the middle of January."

"Why don't you just stay at the loft for a few days?"

"Castle…"

"Come on Kate! I have a spare room, lots of junk food, and, best of all, the place is nice a warm."

Kate opened her mouth to say no but stopped herself and actually thought about it. She hated to impose but it would really be nice to have some company right now; to not be alone. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Maybe it would help? "Ok, Castle. I'll stay. Thank you for the offer.

He smiled. He wouldn't admit it, but he was, of course, thinking similar things. He obviously couldn't keep eyes on her all the time, even if she was living there. But he would be lying if he said it wouldn't make him feel just a little better having her at the loft with him. "Awesome! We will have so much fun! We can make ice cream sundaes, have a movie marathon, and…"

Kate shook her head and thought 'oh, my man child.' She quickly caught herself, 'Wait? Did I just say MY man child?!' Before she could think about it anymore she picked up the report she was readied earlier and tried to focus on the Lawson Case.

* * *

At 7:00pm that evening Castle opened the door to a Kate with a duffel bag over her shoulder, "Hey! Come on in Beckett! I hope you're ready for some fun. Alexis is staying at her friend's house tonight and mother is at some acting competition with her students, so it's just us. Which means we don't have to fight Alexis for the gummy bears and chocolate chips in our sundaes!"

Kate gave Castle the most sincere smile she could muster, "Hey Castle. Alexis is having a sleepover…on a school night?" she asked as she walked in and set her purse and duffel bag by the door.

"She's working on a science project with Paige. And, come on…its Alexis."

Kate let out a slight laugh, "Ha, yeah, your right."

Castle smiled as he motioned her to follow him to the kitchen, "Ok, so first I figured we could make some stir fry, then have the sundaes as we were watching our movie marathon. What do you think?"

"Sounds good Castle."

"Great!" he exclaimed as she opened the refrigerator and took out the chicken and veggies for the stir fry and carried them to the counter. "Ok, so do you want to chop or fry?"

"I'll chop and you fry?" she suggested.

"Ok." They moved around the kitchen; Kate getting a cutting board, knife, and peeler and Castle getting a wok and the seasonings.

They worked in silenced, Kate peeling and chopping the vegetables and Castle cutting and beginning to stir fry the chicken. Kate brought over the cutting board which had celery and carrots ready. "Thank you ma'am," Castle said as he dumped them in the wok. As Kate walked back to finish the vegetables Castle broke the silence, "So, Kate. If you don't want to talk about it I promise I will let it go but…do you want to talk about what happened last night?"

"It, uh...it was just a bad session Castle." She didn't really want to talk to him about Burke's suggestion she take medicine. She was embarrassed about it and felt like a failure.

"Ok, fair enough." Castle said, keeping to his word about not pushing her. However, he could tell Kate was getting more and more anxious as time went on.

Kate felt like one half of her brain was fighting with the other. Part of her wanted to talk to Castle about it because she thought maybe he could help her feel better about it. The other half was just mortified about the possibility of medication and petrified about what he would think. Finally, the latter half won and she set the knife down and faced Castle who was at the stove stirring. She took a deep breath before spitting it out as fast as she could…like ripping off a band aid, she thought, "He thinks I should take some medication."

Castle quickly turned around, "OK, I'm sorry, I couldn't catch that. You said it too fast."

She ran a frustrated hand through her hair. She didn't WANT to say it again. UGH. She looked down, not able to face him, "Medication. Dr. Burke thinks I should start taking some medication."

"Oookkk..." he said slowly, "and…"

She finally looked up at him, giving him a look of disbelief, "Wha…what do you mean 'and'?! And…I CAN'T take medicine. I shouldn't HAVE to take medicine…I just…I can't…" Kate started breathing harder and Castle could tell she was getting more upset.

Castle turned down the heat on the stove and walked over to Kate, "Hey, hey." He took her hand, "If it will help, I don't' see the problem."

"I'm not crazy Castle!"

"No one said you were, Kate. And taking medicine to help with this doesn't make you crazy."

Kate shook her head, "Castle, people are going to think I'm nuts and it's ridiculous that I have to take something and judge why I just couldn't deal with it myself and…"

Castle stopped her, "Ok stop there. First, the only people who will know are those who YOU decide to tell. And IF those people are your true friends and truly love you, they won't think you're crazy or ridiculous, and they won't judge you. All they will care about is your well-being. Even if they think you should be able to do it by yourself, which doesn't make sense because this is no different than any other medical problem, but even if they do-if they are true friends, they will just care that you are safe and healthy." By the end of Castle's speech tears were rolling down Kate's face. He pulled her into a hug, "Hey, why the tears?"

She pulled back enough to look at him, but stayed wrapped in his arms, "I just…thank you Castle."

He pulled her back to him and squeezed her tight. "Anytime Kate." He pulled back after a few minutes and wiped the tears off her cheeks. "Ok, enough of this. I want to get dinner over with so we can have our sundaes!"

Kate let out a watery laugh, "Of course you do."

After dinner they picked out the movies they were going to watch for their marathon and then went to make their sundaes. As Castle began pulling out all the candy and ice cream she was shocked at all he had, "Ok Castle, did you leave any candy at the store?"

"Ehh…a bit." He said as he dumped his armful of candy on the counter. He went and got two bowls out of the cabinet then handed one to her, "Ok, my lady. This is what we call here at the Castle house the 'everything but the kitchen sink sundae.'"

Kate laughed, "I hate to break it to you Castle but you did not make up that phrase."

Castle got his signature look of defiance on his face, "I'll have you know Alexis and I have been using that phrase since she was three. Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…anything but the kitchen sink. That includes things that aren't out here. If you think of something, go get it and add it. You have 5 minutes to make the best, biggest sundae possible. Most edible and delicious wins!" Again, Kate laughed. Castle was so glad he was the one bringing out that laugh finally. He missed that laugh. "Ok, are you ready to be schooled Beckett?"

Kate gripped her bowl with both hands, "Oh, bring it Castle."

"Be careful what you wish for."

"Just count down Castle."

"Ok…three, two—BUILD!"

Kate and Rick rushed around the kitchen racing to grab everything within reach. Kate ran and grabbed some cookies out of the pantry as Castle quickly opened the fridge to pull out some blackberries. After five minutes they were both out of breath and laughing as they stepped back and looked at their sundaes.

"Castle there is NO way any human could eat all this!"

"Oh no, that's part of the rules Kate. You have to finish your whole bowl. Now," he said as he grabbed two huge spoons and holding out one to Kate, "the test. I try yours, you try mine."

"I am not trying yours Castle! You put syrup in it!"

"Hey! Don't knock it til' you try it."

"Fine!" she said, grabbing the spoon and narrowing her spoons, "bring it on!"

"Ok, go!" he said and they both took as big a spoonful as possible of the others sundae. After they swallowed Castle continued, "Ok, now switch!" They took spoonful's of their own sundaes. They swallowed and said at the same time "Mine is totally better."

"What!?" Kate screeched, 'Mine is DEFINITELY better. I mean, come on…you have left over pancakes and fritos in yours!"

He eyed her suspiciously, took another bite of his own sundae, and then put his spoon down. "Ok, Kate. I must admit…you beat me this time…I think the fritos did me in…but be warned, I will have victory next time!"

Kate rolled her eyes as she laughed. She grabbed her bowl in one hand and Castles hand with the other and began pulling him towards the living room, "Come on, let's start the movies! I bet I'll finish before you too!

He happily followed, smiling at the sound of her laugh, "Now that, you will NEVER beat me in!"

That night they fell asleep on the couch under a sea of blankets and stomachs full of ice cream and junk food; the third Harry Potter movie playing in the background.

* * *

The next day, when they were on their way to a crime scene, she got a call from her landlord informing her he had someone coming the following day. Kate had to admit she was kind of happy he wasn't able to find someone to fix it sooner; that meant another night at the Castles…where fun and some amount of craziness was guaranteed…and, most of all, she wasn't alone. As she hung up her phone she turned to Castle as they walked towards Lanie and the boys. "Looks like I have to spend another night at the loft, the maintenance guy can't come until tomorrow."

"Yes!" he fist pumped in the air, "Alexis will be there tonight and we already decided we were going to challenge you to a game of laser tag after we go out and get Chinese."

"Assumed I was staying again, did you?"

He shrugged, "Well, figured there was a good chance. You did say your landlord said at least a few days."

"Well whatever the case, sounds like a fun night," she smiled as they approached the scene, then focused on her job, "Ok Lanie, what do we got?"

* * *

Later that night they were walking into the loft after their Chinese dinner. "Ok, Dad, Kate," Alexis said as she shut the door, "I've made an executive decision. It's girls against boys."

"Ugh," Castle put his hand over his heart, feigning hurt, "You've turned my own against me Beckett?"

Beckett grabbed Alexis' hand, "Her decision Castle. Prepare to be dominated!"

They spent the next 40 minutes chasing each other around the loft, hiding behind couches and chairs and bookshelves. Ultimately, Kate and Alexis won. Exhausted, they all feel back on the couch. After they sat there for a few minutes catching their breath, Alexis stood up, "I'm gonna head upstairs. I have some studying to do before bed." She leaned down and gave her dad a hug and kiss goodnight, "Nite dad, love you."

"Love you pumpkin."

To say Kate was surprised when Alexis engulfed her in a hug would be an understatement. It took her a moment, but she soon wrapped her arms around the redhead. "Goodnight Kate. I'm really glad you're here! It was a fun night!"

Kate pulled back and smiled at Alexis, "I'm glad too, Lex. I had a lot of fun! Sleep tight."

Once they heard Alexis' door shut, Castle turned to Kate, "I'm glad you're here too, Kate."

"Me too." Kate smiled.

"So," Castle started, "finish up the Harry Potters?"

"You know it! I'll get the popcorn, you get the blankets?" Kate asked. Castle nodded and they went to get their respective items.

* * *

The following day Kate was at her desk thumbing through some financials. Castle had meetings with his publisher all day and Ryan and Espo were at lunch. Although there were a few people here and there, it was a fairly quiet time at the precinct. Suddenly her phone rang. "Detective Beckett."

"Hello Detective, it's Chris."

Oh, it was her landlord. "Hi, Chris."

"I just wanted to call and let you know that your heat is fixed. I apologize it took a few days."

Suddenly Kate had a lump in her throat the size of a gumball, "Ohh, oh thank…thank you." Kate had to clear her throat to continue. All she could think about was now she had to go home. Back to her apartment. Back to where she was alone. Back to where she had no one.

"No problem, Detective. Please call and let me know if there are any other problems with it."

"Ok, thanks. Bye."

"Good-bye."

Kate hung up her phone and set it down slowly on the desk. She grabbed her head as the room started spinning. She started to feel her heart beat faster and her face starting to burn up. Oh no. Not here. NOT here. This could NOT be happening here. There were people here. She had to function here. She didn't have hours to calm down like the last time. Oh, but she was going back to being alone. Everyone else had someone, but she was alone. Castle had his daughter, Ryan had Jenny, and whether or not they would admit it, Lanie and Espo had each other. But Kate…Kate was alone. She was the tag along friend. Always doing things with Castle and his family, or Kevin and his wife. Everyone else had their own life, and what did she have….nothing. She had nothing and no one. Her lungs started to feel like they were on fire. SHIT. What was she supposed to do? There was only one thing she COULD do. She didn't have a choice. She was at work….she had to be ok. She looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, and quickly pulled a pair of scissors out of her drawer and shoved them into her purse. She again scanned the room to make sure the few people there weren't paying attention. When she was sure no one was watching she rushed to the bathroom.

She slammed a stall door shut and grabbed the scissors out of her bad then carelessly dropped her bag on the floor. She knew she shouldn't be doing this but what else could she do? Burke would be in session at this time, she couldn't call him. Castle was in meetings…she had no choice. She had to do something and be ok…NOW. Before she could think about it anymore she spread the scissors apart and pushed the top of her pants down a little to reveal her abdomen. She made the first cut and felt no different. So, she quickly made another, then another. Finally, she was starting to feel like she could breathe. She took a deep breath and looked at her stomach. What had she just done? With a shaky hand she got some toilet paper and wiped off her stomach and the scissors. She took another deep breath and tried to compose herself.

As she walked back to her desk all she could think about was how disappointed Castle and Dr. Burke would be. She knew they cared about her and she didn't want to hurt them. So why did she just do that? Because she didn't have a choice that's why. But now she just dug herself in that much deeper. God, this was such a mess. She could not do this anymore. She just couldn't. This wasn't right. Something had to change. She was desperate. She had to do something. She picked up her phone and walked into the break room, shutting the door and locking it. She knew he would be in session, but she could always leave Dr. Burke a message. At the beep she began with a shaky voice, "H…Hi doctor Burke. It's Kate. I uh, I really need to talk to you. Please just call me back as soon as you can." As she hung up the phone she slowly slid down the wall of the break room as the tears started to fall.

* * *

**So what do you all think? I tried to work in some humor but we aren't through the struggle yet. Please let me know what you think but as always, please be kind. This is a very hard, personal thing to write about and I try to do it with as much sensitivity and respect as possible, and in a way EVERYONE can relate to. My goal-for everyone to be touched and get something from this story. Thank you for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Ok so, I know I say this every time but I'm sorry this took so long. If you can't tell by reading this...I'm going through this journey as I'm writing this so I'm not always in the best frame of mind to write. However, I can promise you that I will not abandon this story. I will finish it...even if there is a while in between updates. Just please stick with me :). I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Not even a minute later she jumped at the sound of her phone ringing. When she saw it was Dr. Burke she was shocked….shocked, and relieved, and nervous, and about a million other things. She took a deep breath (well, as deep of a breath as she could take) and answered. "Hello."

"Kate? It's Dr. Burke."

"H…hi Dr. Burke."

"I got your message. Are you ok?"

"I don't know. Hold on. Let me walk outside so I can talk." Kate quickly walked to the stairway and ran down the stairs. When she was outside and an acceptable distance away from the precinct she continued. Out of breath, she tried to sort out her thoughts so she could tell him what happened, "I uhh, I just…I was wondering if you thought…you know that psychiatrist you told me about? If you uhm…if you called him and told him I really needed to see him do…do you think he could get me in soon?"

"I think it's a definitely possibility."

"Ok. That…could you…can you call him? I mean, I'm sorry that I bothered you and I'm sorry to do this and say I need to see him now after I was so adamant about not seeing him but I just can't do this anymore. I need…something has to change."

"It's no problem Kate I'm glad you called. You're saying you've reached that point and you need things to change and you're ready to do something. I respect that choice. You have every right to make that request."

"Yeah…" Kate said, pacing the sidewalk, tears streaming down her face.

"And you should be proud of yourself. The fact that you're flexible enough to go and hear him out…that's progress."

"Well, I don't know if that's the case but…I…this isn't ok."

"I hear you, and I think you're making a good choice."

Kate ran her hand through her hair and squeezed her eyes shut in frustration, "I…I just…God I can't…I just don't know what to say."

At that point Dr. Burke realized something more was going on. "It's ok Kate. Take your time. I'm listening."

Kate walked even further from the precinct, "I….I already screwed up."

"Ok. Based on that statement I'm guessing you've already done some cutting."

Silence. Kate tried to take a deep breath but it just came out as a sob, "I….I can't…"

"Ok…it's ok Kate."

"No it's not! It's not ok. I mean, I appreciate you saying that but this is not ok."

"Sometimes people have to reach that point of desperation. That's what drives the willingness to change. I certainly wish you didn't have to go through this but I'm happy that you're ready to do something more to help yourself."

"I just…I just didn't feel like I had a choice. Castle is in meetings all day…Ryan and Espo were gone…I thought you were going to be in a session….I was at work and I had to be ok. There wasn't anything I could do. I mean…I wanted to call but I couldn't. What was I supposed to do?"

"Ok let's talk about that. If you're ever in that situation again…where you think I'm in session and you feel stuck…you can always come down to the office if you need a safe place. You can just sit in the waiting room…or the secretary can get you a waiting room to be in and a nurse can sit with you so we know you're safe. You could also just come walk the parking lot so we can keep eyes on you. There's also, and before I say this just here me out ok?"

Kate was so desperate at the moment she would listen to anything, "I'm listening."

"Ok, there is a mental health clinic in town that's open 24/7 and you can walk in at any time and if you say you're having an urge to cut they will do an immediate assessment and you'll be able to talk to someone. Now, that doesn't mean you'll have to stay for days….you can just stay until you feel better."

"They would just let me leave after it passes?"

"Trust me, they have an overflow of patients. If they assess you and know you're no longer having an urge to cut and aren't a danger to yourself or others, they won't keep you."

"Ok…ok. God, I…I felt like I didn't have any options but you just came up with several in less than 2 minutes."

"Remember what I said was one of the most important things I would ever tell you? 'Our emotions lie.'?' You felt like you had no options…but there is always a way out, Kate." Kate was starting to calm down and was actually able to take a deep breath, "Ok, are you ready for me to call Dr. Moore?"

"Yeah…yeah, I'm ok."

"Ok, I'm going to call him and I'll call you right back."

"All right, bye."

"Bye." Kate hung up the phone and continued pacing. Less than 5 minutes later her phone rang. 'God the man works fast.' she thought. She quickly picked up. "Hello."

"Ok ma'am. You have an appointment on Monday at 10:30. Does that work for you?"

"Yeah, yeah that works. Man you work fast."

Burke laughed, "I'm glad we got you in. Now are you going to be ok over the weekend? Do you have any plans?"

"Well…no."

"I would feel better if you had some plans. Will you call Castle, maybe y'all can do something? Staying busy will help. You don't have to tell him what happened…just ask if he wants to do something."

"Sure I…I'll talk to Castle."

"Ok…and maybe go to the gym? Go to the bookstore and read?"

"Yeah…I'll do that."

"Ok. And remember, if you need anything, call."

"I will, thank you Dr. Burke."

"You're welcome. Take care, Kate."

"You too, Bye."

Kate took a few deep breaths before walking back to the precinct. When she got back she made a bee line for the bathroom. She looked in the mirror. God, she looked like a mess. Mascara under her eyes, tried tears on her cheeks, beet red face. She got a paper towel, ran it under some cool water, and pressed it to her face, washing away the mascara, tears, and cooling herself down. 5 minutes later when she decided it was as good as it was going to get she walked out and went to sit at her desk.

"Where have you been?" Castle asked, sitting in his customary chair by her desk.

Kate jumped, obviously not expecting him for the day, "I…Castle? What are you doing here? I thought you had meetings all day?!"

"We finished…early. Kate what's wrong? What happened?"

"I…nothing." Castle gave her that look. "Ok Castle…I can't…I can't get into it here ok…I have to be able to work. But…I was going to ask you if you had plans tonight? Do you want to go see a movie or something? Maybe grab a late dinner after or something?"

Castle nodded his understanding. He knew she had to work here and be 'okay here.' At least she was reaching out to him. "I'm free. That sounds great."

"Ok. I have some stuff I have to finish up here but we can leave in a few hours ok?"

"Sounds good."

* * *

Castle had avoided asking all night. They went and saw an early movie…ensuring it was a comedy. That was what they both needed. They laughed and mocked the movie the whole way through. For a few hours it seemed like he had his old Kate back. But when they walked out of the theater and he saw her face he was reminded of what she was going through. She may have a smile on her face but it was all in her eyes. He was sure no one else would notice but he knew her well enough. Knew her well enough to know that her gorgeous green eyes that usually had that spark of adventure and fearlessness now showed struggle and pain. After they got to the restaurant and ordered their meal, he finally couldn't hold back, "Ok, Kate. I understand if you don't want to talk about it but did…did something happen today?"

She was taken aback at his bluntness, "I…well…"

"Remember what I told you…no matter what happens, we'll deal with it. No matter what it is, we'll get through it…together."

Kate nodded and took a deep breath, "I….I screwed up."

Kate was amazed. Instead of looking disappointed or shocked, his face just showed compassion. "Ok. What happened?"

Kate looked down and started fiddling with her napkin, I don't know I just…I got a call from my landlord saying the heat would be fixed. I should have been happy. Should have been excited that I could go back home. But all I could think about was how I was going back to being alone. It was so nice having company the last few days and now I'm going back to being alone and I just kept thinking how everyone else has someone to go home to except me and it just…things spiraled from there. Having to deal with this…God, Castle, it's so exhausting. Dealing with this and having to put up a front at work and actually function and be productive yet constantly fight with myself. I can't tell you how exhausting it is having to act like I'm ok when I'm anything but ok. I feel so isolated and alone because I have to constantly act like I'm fine and everything is great and no one except you knows and…it's just so hard and I guess it was just nice to have someone there at the end of the day. God I sound so pathetic."

"Kate, you are NOT pathetic. You…you are the strongest person I know. And what you're dealing with…it's…I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is. And on top of that you have been working and keeping up your case load. Do you realize how impressive that is? And you're not alone, ok. You have me. I'm always here. Anytime. I know I can't directly relate but I'm here. You are the strongest person I know but we all need help sometimes."

"Castle if I was so strong I wouldn't have messed up today."

"You didn't screw up Kate. It's okay."

Kate let out a slight laugh, "That's what Dr. Burke said. But how can you guys say that. It's not ok…it…this isn't ok."

"I can say that because you're allowed to make mistakes. I know you're trying Kate. You're getting help and you're trying and ok, you slipped up. That just means you talk to Dr. Burke about it and learn from it and you keep on trying. You don't give up."

"I…I don't know what to say. I thought you would be so disappointed in me."

Castle reached over and took her hands, "Kate, this isn't something to be disappointed about. I'm worried about you, but not disappointed. And I'm also proud."

"How…why on earth would you be proud of me?"

"Kate, you're letting me in. You're getting help. You're admitting you need help. That in itself is something to be proud of. Allow yourself to be proud of that."

Kate couldn't help the tears that started to fall, "I…thank you Castle. Like you said, I…I know I need help. That's why after it happened today I called Dr. Burke. He set up an appointment with Dr. Moore."

Castle smiled, "Kate, I'm so proud of you. That is a good decision and you are so strong for making it." Kate looked down and shook her head, "Hey!" Castle said, lifting her chin gently, "Stop minimizing your accomplishments. This is a big step Kate."

Kate nodded. They sat in silence for a while before she spoke. "I…I'm really scared about this appointment Castle."

"Don't be. It's just another appointment. You can do this. All you have to do is go and listen to him. You don't have to do or take anything you aren't comfortable with. And remember, all he wants to do is help you."

"Do you…I mean, I know you can't go with me…this is something I have to do on my own but, that evening…do you think we could hang out? You know, just in case it doesn't go well and I'm not doing well and…"

"Kate, you don't have to give me a reason. Just say you need me and I'm there."

Kate let out a sigh of relief, "Thank you."

"Always."

Kate smiled. How did he do it? How did he ALWAYS do it? No matter how bad things got Castle could ALWAYS make things better. Being with him gave her a glimpse of what it could be like to be better…to be herself again. Tonight at the movie, when they were making the sundaes at his house…when she played laser tag with him and Alexis….those are the only times in the last month she had felt happy and like _her_ and she wanted that all the time. She deserved that, didn't she? But was it possible? Those little glimpses…while they should offer hope, they only brought more hopelessness. They brought hopelessness because when they come to their inevitable end it just offers more evidence that things cannot go back to the way they were. The being happy and feeling better only lasts for short periods before they are taken away. She felt like a kid who was given a bite of a cookie, then had it taken away. After that happens several times, you come to expect it. You come to realize that the happiness isn't going to stay. That the cookie is going to be taken away. That the hurt and pain will always return. Was this her new normal? Was this the new _her_? Was it possible to have the happiness all the time? Should she just accept it? Or should she hold out hope that one day the happiness will actually stay? She just didn't know. All that she knew is that she couldn't do this anymore and something had to change. She was on a cliff. She couldn't see the edge, but she had a feeling that it was very close and if she kept going like she was going, she was going fall. She was going to fall and it was going to be fast and it was going to be hard. She wanted to have hope that Dr. Moore would be able to help…but the cookie had been taken away too many times. All she could hope for now is that things wouldn't get any worse.

* * *

**I'm going to be honest...I really don't feel good about this chapter so PLEASE let me know what you think. I was really struggling with where to go with the chapter and what I wanted to express. I hope it isn't too bad and lives up to the other chapters. I promise I am continually trying to write better so like I said, please stick with me!**

**Steph**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey everyone! Thank you for the kind words on the last chapter. And thank you so much for all the follows and favorites and reviews...I can not tell you how much they mean to me. They really make me smile and I am so thankful for each and every one of you! I'm telling you, they make my days...and weeks! So please, if you have time, keep them coming :)  
**

* * *

Kate made it through the weekend. It actually wasn't as bad as she thought. After their talk she and Castle had a really fun evening. And it turns out that she was so exhausted from all the emotion on Friday that she was actually content relaxing and reading and watching some funny shows. Dr. Burke even called her on Saturday to make sure she was doing ok. He also asked if it would be ok for him to call Dr. Moore before her appointment and brief him on what had been going on. Kate had signed a document allowing him to contact other physicians for the purpose of care but, out of courtesy, he still wanted to ask her before he just made the call. Not only was it ok with Kate…she was beyond relieved. It felt like she had been holding a 20lb weight over her head for days and someone finally took it from her. It was so difficult for her to open up…even to Dr. Burke whom she knew and trusted. She wasn't sure how she was going to do it with Dr. Moore. But if Dr. Burke called him and gave him a heads up about everything she wouldn't have to bring anything up. Sure, she would have to answer some questions…but bringing it up and saying the words was the hardest part. To know that burden had been taken from her she wasn't absolutely dreading her appointment. She was just really, really not looking forward to it. But, hey, that was progress right?

* * *

Kate walked out of Dr. Moore's office as fast as she could, stuffing the prescription in her purse. She HATED what that stupid piece of paper represented. To her, it represented failure. I meant that she couldn't handle this on her own. She had wanted to do this without medicine and it meant she had failed and given in. That she wasn't strong enough to do it on her own. She had warned Dr. Moore that she really didn't want to take anything. It wasn't that she wouldn't….she was at the point where she would do anything…but she still didn't like it. Dr. Burke had warned him too. Dr. Moore was respectful, trying to tell her she should be proud that she was helping herself, and that it was no different than taking medicine for diabetes, or any other medical problem. Deep down, she knew he was right. It WAS a chemical imbalance and it WAS something she needed to take medicine to fix and there was no shame in that. Deep down…she knew that. However, right now she did feel shame. She felt shame and embarrassment and anger…oh she was so angry at herself. The fact she had to do this made her want to kick herself. UGH. Why did it have to come to this? But she couldn't care!? Why did she care? The only thing standing in the way of her getting more help was her…and that made her even angrier at herself. Before she could think anymore and go any deeper into the never ending spiral of self-loathing she took her cell phone out of her pocked and called Castle; she had told him she would call him when she was done and would be on her way to the loft. She had said he should come to her place…she didn't really think she could put on a face for Alexis and Martha and she was so sick of putting on a happy act. However, Alexis was at the library working on a group project and Martha was out with Kevin…her latest…adventure? Sure…adventure. So, the loft wound up working perfect.

As soon as he heard her voice he knew she wasn't ok. "What happened, Kate?"

Kate slammed her door shut in anger and hastily put her seatbelt on, "Nothing 'happened' per se…I just…I can't believe I have to do this. And he gave me a prescription and I want to fill it because I'm desperate but I don't want to fill it because I feel like I'm admitting I'm not strong enough to handle this but I know it will help…well, at least I think it will help and so I want to fill it so I feel better and I'm the only thing standing in the way of me possibly feeling better and..ugghh…I just…"

"Ok Kate, Kate take a breath."

Kate took a deep breath as she backed out of her parking space, tears starting to fall down her face, "I can't explain it Castle I just…I feel like I'm stuck in the worlds worst catch 22 and I don't know what to do."

"Ok, Kate right now just take a breath and concentrate on driving ok. We'll talk about everything when you get here, if you want to." Kate offered him a weak 'ok'. "All right, are you ok to drive?"

"Mmhhmm" Kate mumbled, crying too much to talk.

"Ok, do you want me to stay on the phone with you until you get here? We can talk about something else…anything else. Or we don't even have to talk..."

"Yes. I just…I don't know what to say."

"Oh…well that's perfect because I have enough to say for the both of us." Kate let out a soft watery chuckle as Castle began telling her how horrible his latest publishing meeting with Paula was and how he needed her to go next time to protect him because, seriously, Paula could get scary.

20 minutes later Kate pulled up in front of his building. "I'm here" she said in a tiny voice. A broken voice. A voice that broke his heart.

"Ok I'll she you in a few minutes."

"K." As she hung up the phone she took a few deep breaths and ran her fingers under her eyes in an effort to rid her face of the mascara that had run when she was crying.

As soon as Castle opened the door he engulfed her in a bear hug. She closed her eyes and took another deep breath, trying to soak in the comfort that being in his strong arms brought. It made her feel safe, and warm, and like she wasn't alone. She squeezed him tight and he ran his hand down her soft, brown hair. "You're ok, Kate. It'll be ok" he whispered into her ear. Again, tears started to fall. He pulled back and brushed her tears away with his thumb. "Come on, let's talk." She only nodded. He took her hand and led her to the couch. When they sat down he squeezed her hand, "So, was the guy nice?"

"Yeah…yeah he was. And he understood I didn't really want to take anything. He takes a very conservative approach which I really appreciate. He always starts on a low dose then goes up if need be. I just…"

"I know," Castle said as he ran his thumb over his hand. "I just wish you could see that everything you said…everything you said about being a failure for needed the medicine and not being strong enough to handle this yourself….I just wish you could see how wrong that is. It's a chemical imbalance Kate…you can't control it. You need medicine to restore the balance…just like you would need medicine to get rid of an infection. And as far as you failing and not being strong enough...I feel that the fact you are willing to take this medicine even though you don't want to, because somewhere deep down you know it's the right thing and you want to help yourself. Well, I think that shows just how strong you are. Failing would be not getting help. This…taking the medicine…getting help. This is winning. This is choosing to fight this and not settle."

Kate sat there, stunned. If only she could feel that way. "Thank you….thank you for saying that"

"Kate you don't have to thank me…and I'm not just saying this…I mean it. It's the truth. And one day you'll see it too, I promise. Right now I'm just afraid you can't see through the forrest because of all the trees."

Kate chuckled, "Look at you getting all fancy and metaphorical."

"Well…I am a best-selling novelist…" Kate rolled her eyes. "So, you're gonna try the medicine right? At least give it a shot."

"I…I, yes. I don't want to but yes I am and that makes me so mad but I have too…which pisses me off but…"

Castle interrupted her before she could continue, "I know that's how you feel Kate, and I know you can't control that…but you just have to try and tell yourself that your feelings are lying to you. And hopefully, that's what the medicine is going to help with. It will allow you to get out of your head and see the truth."

"I hope so…"

"It will. Ok, enough serious talk…onto the important decisions we have to make. Which Star Wars are we going to start the night off with!?

* * *

Three weeks had gone by since Kate's appointment and since she had started taking the medicine. She was happy and angry to admit that she was starting to feel a little more like herself. In her last appointment with Dr. Burke she had told him that she was finally starting to feel like she could breathe. Dr. Burke was thrilled, of course, saying that she would be able to make more progress because she wasn't overwhelmed. He said it would allow her thinking to become more flexible and help her see more options and other possibilities. Kate, however, was still mad at herself for needing the medicine. She just couldn't get over it. She couldn't accept it.

About four and a half weeks after she had started the medicine things changed. She didn't know why, but she was thinking about cutting more, having nightmares about cutting. At first, cutting was something she did out of desperation. Now…now she could find excuses everywhere to cut. Instead of only wanting to cut when things got to a 9 or 10…she was thinking about cutting when she wasn't in the midst of a panic…when she was at a normal stress level. Why? Why was this happening? She had started feeling better and now…now she couldn't even count how many times she thought about cutting in a single day.

And that is how she started her session with Dr. Burke. "I just…I don't understand. I was feeling better…and now all of the sudden I'm thinking about it more and more and I just…it' doesn't last hours and hours like it did, it's more of a fleeting thought…but it's still there. I still think about it. I look at the scissors in my desk drawer and I think about it. I see a scar and I think about it. I get stressed about a case and I think about it. I'm stuck in traffic or cut off by some other driver and I think about it."

"Kate, if you're saying that these thoughts are fleeing, that's actually progress. Thinking about it is normal. That isn't just going to go away in a few weeks. They're very salient memories. However, as time goes by the thoughts will become few and far between. If you want to speed it up a little, make a snowflake out of those scissors…make an amazing dinner or dessert with that knife. Make new, happy memories.

"Okay…so you're saying thinking about it more isn't necessarily a bad thing?"

"As long as it isn't lasting long and isn't as intense…the medicine is doing it's job. You are able to handle it. And I promise, it does get better. You will think about it less and less."

Kate nodded, "Yeah it isn't as intense. It's there…but it's bearable."

Dr. Burke smiled, "Sounds like you're on the right track to me"

But Kate was not convinced the feeling would last. She was sure that she had been lucky and the last few weeks had just not offered anything majorly triggering but as soon as that happened, she would be right back where she started. She just knew this wasn't the end of the fight.

And she was right.

* * *

**Ok so...what do y'all think? Please let me know! **** I really hope that this story is touching some people. Specifically, I hope that if anyone reading this is struggling, that this chapter encourages you to not only get help, but shows you that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of in getting help, in whatever way works and helps YOU! Can't wait to hear from you guys!  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**Wow. Ok first, SOOOSOOO SORRY. There are a few reasons I haven't updated. I moved and started graduate school so, as you can imagine, its been hectic. Also, as you may have guessed, I'm on the same journey Kate is on. That being said, it took a little time for me to see where my journey was taking me so I knew what I wanted to write. I have ideas for the next few chapter so I really hope you stay tuned. I know I've been horrible about updating but I promise I am going to be updating frequently over the next few weeks since I have ideas! **

**Again, sorry I've been so inconsistent with updates! Thanks for sticking with me!**

**Steph**

* * *

"I don't have to go Kate. You know I will cancel this in a minute if…"

Kate interrupted him before he could make the same offer he had been making since he found out about the book tour two weeks ago, "Castle. I've told you, I'll be fine. I've been doing ok the last few weeks."

And she was telling the truth. She had been doing better. It had been about a month since she started the medicine and even though she wasn't feeling a lot better than she was a few weeks ago, she was feeling the same, it was better than before she started it. "I know. And I know you are a big girl and can decide for yourself and…"

"Yes, I am," she interrupted again, "and I am telling you I will be ok Rick."

"Ok, Ok," he said as he walked to the trunk of the town car and put his luggage in, quickly shutting it and walking back and engulfing Kate in a hug. They had decided to have a brunch before he had to leave for his flight and now, here they were, saying good bye at the curb of his building, "You PROMISE me you will let me know if you don't feel ok and you want to do something you shouldn't." Kate didn't answer, just tensed in Castle's arms. He leaned back to look at her, still keeping her in his embrace, "Kate…promise me."

She looked down, shaking her head, "Castle, I…"

"Ok, what's going on?" he asked gently, taking her hand and sitting with her on the curb next to the car.

"Nothing is going on Castle. I told you, I'm ok. I've been doing ok…and I will be ok."

"Then why did you tense up just now? Why won't you promise me you'll let me know if you aren't ok?"

Kate pulled her hand out of Castle's grasp and ran her fingers through her hair, "Castle…I'm FINE. You are going to miss your flight. Go!"

Oh she was going to get defensive? What was going on? Why was she acting like this now? It was Castle's turn to shake his head. "No! I'm not leaving until you talk to me Kate."

Kate got up from the curb, "There isn't anything to talk about Castle."

He stood up, "Then why won't you promise me?"

"Uggh Castle!" He just gave her that look that said he wasn't going to back down, "God! It isn't even a big deal Castle! I just don't want to make you a promise that I'm not positive I can keep, ok!?"

"Kate…"

"I will not say the words 'I promise' to someone unless I am 100% sure. I take it seriously Castle and…"

"Kate!"

"I don't want to lie to you. If I promise you and then I screw up I lied to you and then you aren't going to believe me and trust me anymore. I'm not saying I'm planning on doing anything, but I don't want you..."

"KATE!" Kate stopped and finally looked at him. He grabbed her hand, "I get it. It's ok."

"You…what?"

He chuckled slightly, "I get it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to promise me that, it wasn't fair. I understand."

Kate breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank you."

"Just please try and take care of yourself ok? Don't forget it's ok to ask for help...and I'm only a phone call away. Oh and…"

"Castle," she said gently squeezing his hand, "I know. I'll try, I promise you that, ok?"

"Ok," he said nervously. No matter what she said he was still worried. He did not want to leave her right now.

They both turned when they heard the driver lowering the front passenger side window, "Mr. Castle, I'm sorry to interrupt but if we don't leave now we are going to be late."

"Ok, thanks Bruce." He turned back to Kate, "Call me every day, ok?"

"Every day? Really Castle?"

"Every other day?" Kate gave him a look, "Come on Kate, work with me. I'm worried here."

"Ok, Castle, every other day."

He brought her in for a hug, "I'm going to miss you, Kate. Please, please take care of yourself."

Kate fought back her own tears. She may have been assuring Castle she was going to be fine but inside she was a wreck with fear. For all the confidence she was trying to show she certainly wasn't feeling any of it. It was true that she had been doing better. And she wasn't planning on NOT being ok…she just…Castle was her net. Just knowing he was there in case she needed him helped her not need him and now that he wasn't going to be there, in case, she was afraid something was going to happen and she would be on her own. Just knowing he was there helped her deal with things; knowing she _could _reach out if she needed to. Did that make sense? Gah, she really was losing it. "I'll try Castle." She couldn't say more due to the lump in her throat."

"Mr. Castle…" they heard from the car.

Castle gave her one last squeeze and pulled back, "I'll call you tonight ok."

"Ok, have a safe flight Castle." He nodded and squeezed her hand before disappearing into the car. She waved as they drove off then finally let the tears fall.

* * *

She was stepping out of the shower later that night after having gone to the gym to run off her anxiety. Wasn't a cure all but at least she managed to get through the afternoon. She quickly dried off and changed, went to her refrigerator, and sighed. She really should eat something but she really didn't feel like it. Her stomach was still in knots and she was still so anxious. She shut the fridge and grabbed the pretzels out of the pantry. He had eaten a big breakfast brunch with Castle…she could skip dinner. She ran and burned a lot of calories but as long as she had a few pretzels she would be ok.

As soon as she sat down her phone rang. It was Castle. She took a deep breath, "Hey Castle."

"Hey Kate. Miss me already?"

Kate rolled her eyes, "Horribly," she said playfully, although it was painfully true, "How was your flight?"

"Oh fine. Not much turbulence. No delays. Can't complain. How are you? What did you do today?"

"Oh not much. After you left I went home and changed and went to the gym, ran some, came home and kept busy with picking up the apartment. How's the hotel?"

"Great, this is my favorite hotel in Chicago."

"And where do you go next?"

"Ummm…that's a good question. You would have to ask Paula, I can't keep track of these things."

Kate laughed slightly, "Right, right."

"So what are you having for dinner?"

"Oh, umm…" her stomach sank. Castle would just worry if she told him she wasn't having dinner…but she really wasn't hungry. She didn't want to worry him over nothing, especially since he had to focus on work right now, "You know, leftovers. They're a lifesaver. You know Castle, I'm really exhausted…I ran a lot today and then came home and cleaned…I kind of just want to veg out-if that's ok?"

'Oh yeah, yeah of course. I'll a…I'll talk to you soon, right?"

"Yes Castle, I'll talk to you soon. Have a good book signing tomorrow."

"Thanks. Goodnight Kate, take care."

"Nite, Castle." She hung up and took a deep breath. What just happened? Did she just lie to Castle? She had never lied to Castle. Well, this was a white lie. A white lie for his own good, so he wouldn't worry.

That was no big deal, right?

It didn't mean anything…

Right?

* * *

**So a few questions. One-What do you think is going to happen? What do you want to see happen?**

**Also, WHAT DID YOU THINK?**


	11. Chapter 11

**So-I promised I would update really soon :)**

**Thank you for the reviews and for the follows and favorites! Every SINGLE ONE makes my heart smile. My hope and prayer with this story is that it can touch at least one person and they could know they are not alone. **

* * *

Castle walked into his hotel room and sat on the first chair he saw, tiredly rubbing his eyes. It had been a long three week tour but he was finally at his last stop, Los Angeles. He would fly back home in a few days and he could not wait, for many reasons. He couldn't wait to get home and sleep in his own bed. He couldn't wait to see his kid and hug the crap out of her…gosh how he missed her. He couldn't wait to be there so he could see for himself Kate was ok. They had been talking at least every other day, per their agreement. Truthfully, she seemed to be doing ok. Not 100% everything was fixed ok…but that would take time, he knew. But the medicine seemed to be helping and from talking to her, it seemed she was just as ok as when he left.

However, he couldn't stop the nagging feeling in his gut that even though she seemed ok, something wasn't quite right. He talked to her; she assured him she was ok—even though therapy was tough. She had her routine of going to the gym after, or meeting Lanie for dinner or drinks or something…she even joked with him and kept him up-to-date on cases. But he still had this feeling he was missing something. He would assure himself she was ok but that feeling would keep coming back. It was like your least favorite day of the week…you can't keep it from happening. He just couldn't stop it.

The ringing of his cell phone made him jump since he was so deep in thought. He shook his head, laughing at himself. Lanie? Why would Lanie be…his heart fell and he quickly answered, "Lanie?"

"Hey, Castle, hows…"

"Is Kate ok? Did something happen?" He asked before she could get anything else out.

"Relax, writer boy. Nothing major happened. But I am calling about her."

"Ok…what's going on?"

"Well we were supposed to have dinner tonight after she got done with some things she had to do this afternoon…"

Castle mentally checked the day. It was Wednesday…that meant Kate had her appointment with Dr. Burke this afternoon. He didn't like where this was going "Alright…" he said hesitantly.

"Well, I called her to see where she wanted to go, and she denied it but I know she was crying. I asked her what happened but she said everything was fine. I pushed her and well…it didn't end well."

"What do you mean?"

"I told her I knew something was wrong and Castle, she just lashed out. She has never spoken to me like that. She was just so angry…she was yelling, saying I wouldn't understand and she had a long afternoon and just wanted to be left alone and why couldn't I just stop prying. I only said I knew something was wrong and I was here to talk to Castle, it wasn't like I bombarded her with questions. She just snapped."

Castle was growing more concerned, "Was she at her apartment?"

"I mean…I assume so. I can't be sure. She said she just wanted to be by herself and told me to leave her alone. After she yelled some more she just hung up on me."

Castle rubbed a worried hand over his face, "Ok, Lanie you have to go over there."

"What? Why? She really seemed like she…"

"Lanie, please. Just get over there."

"Castle, what's going on? I called because I thought maybe you said something stupid to piss her off."

"I haven't talked to her today Lanie. You need to go!" Castle said, getting a little frustrated. Why wouldn't she just listen to him and get over there. Kate was alone and he knew from what Lanie said she had had a really bad session…something was brought up that upset her and she needed to get to her before it was too late and she did something she would regret later.

"Ok, ok…don't you snap at me too!"

Castle took a deep breath, "You're right, I'm sorry."

"You know something, Castle. Spill."

"Lanie, I can't. Listen, you are just going to have to trust me on this, ok? Please. Get over there as soon as you can. And call me later and let me know what happens."

He heard Lanie shuffling things in her purse and grabbing her keys, "Ok, Castle I'm on my way now…but when she bites my head off I'm telling her you sent me over."

"That's fine, blame me. Just hurry, ok? And Lanie, don't leave until you know she is ok."

"Ok, Castle your scaring me…what am I missing?"

"I told you…I can't…I can't tell you. Just know your friend really needs you right now ok? Regardless of what she says. Do not let her push you away Lanie."

Something in his voice…the sincerity, the concern. It wasn't Castle being a worry wart because of his over active imagination. This…she could tell this was different. Something about this was different. "Ok…ok I promise, Castle, I won't."

She heard the sigh of relief, "Ok thank. Thank you. And call me, ok? Or text me…just…let me know, alright?"

"Yeah, I will."

"Thanks, Lanie." He hung up and started pacing his hotel room. He immediately tried to call Kate…straight to voicemail. She either had her phone off or she was ignoring him. He tried again and this time left a message, "Kate please call me back, ok? As soon as you get this. Bye." He also sent her a text: _Call me ASAP_

* * *

**Don't hate me!** **I promise I am going to update again VERY VERY SOON! Until then...please let me know what you think! Where would you like to see this story go? What are your predictions as to what will happen? **

**Opinions, please :) Again, thank you all!**


	12. Chapter 12

**2 Chapters in one day...I'm just rocking a rolling. I've just had tons of ideas lately!**

* * *

Right after he sent the text to Kate he realized with how angry Kate was there was something else he forgot to tell Lanie. He quickly brought up another message window:

_She isn't going to let you in so don't even bother knocking. Just use your key._

15 minutes later when Lanie was walking through the parking lot to Beckett's building she checked her phone and saw Castle's text. She blew out a deep breath as she got Beckett's spare key out of her bag. She wasn't sure what was going on…but she was sure she needed to go with what Castle was saying. And the guy had a good point…Kate was really pissed. She probably wouldn't let her in. "I hope you're right about this, Castle," she mumbled to herself as she put the key in the lock.

When she opened the door she didn't see Kate but she heard the shower running. She shut the door and slowly walked through the living room and bedroom to the bathroom. Because Kate was alone, the door was open. As she got closer she could hear crying. She stood at the side of the open door listening, unsure of what to do. She decided to sit by the door so she would be there when Kate got out. She sat down on the floor, listening. Minutes went by and she noticed Kate's breathing was speeding up. It also seemed like there was more steam coming out of the shower. She listened for a bit longer and realized her friend was hyperventilating in a steaming hot shower, her breathing getting faster and faster…not good things in and of themselves and definitely not good together. She wanted to respect her friend's privacy but, at this point, she was legitimately concerned she was going to pass out. She shook her head, "Oh, that's it." She knocked on the door and walked in, "Kate?"

"La..Lanie? Wh…wha.." She was breathing so fast she couldn't even talk. Lanie grabbed a towel and pulled back the shower curtain. "LANIE!" Lanie had to work hard to not gasp. Her friend was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the bathtub, her skin pink and wrinkly from the shower and her eyes bright red and sunken in from crying. She knew Kate had lost weight over the last several weeks but not she could see just how much; she was able to see her ribs. She had to shake it off quickly; she had to help her friend. "LANIE WHAT THE HELL!?" Kate managed to screech…which caused her to choke and breathe faster.

Lanie quickly turned off the water, thanking the heavens it was only hot enough to make Kate a little pink…not scald her. She then wrapped the large towel around her friend, "Ok Kate first, you need to concentrate on breathing, alright? Just breathe." She said, rubbing her friends back. She could tell Kate was about to say something so she stopped her, "No-I don't want to hear any more of your screeching. I'm a doctor and I'm also a woman; I've seen it all and I have the same goods as you." Kate gave her a dirty look, "Oh get over it, you can yell at me for barging in here later? Once you can oh, I don't know…breath? Try and take deep breaths, ok? Don't make me go get a paper bag."

Kate finally relented and nodded. She pulled the towel tighter around her body and put her head down in her knees, trying to focus on breathing. After a few minutes of following Lanie's breathing instructions she was finally taking some semi deep breaths. Satisfied her friend was not going to pass out Lanie stood up, "Ok, Kate. I'm going to go get you a glass of water. Between the crying and the hot shower you have got to be dehydrated. Do not get up alone, you got me?"

"Yeah, yeah," Kate mumbled into her knees.

As quickly as she could Lanie went to the kitchen and grabbed a cup of water. When she was on her way back she heard a loud thud followed by a scream and curse from Kate. She started running to the bathroom, "Kate!" She ran in to find Kate holding her right knee, now sitting on the tile floor leaning against the tub. She quickly put the water down and leaned down next to Kate, "Damn it, Kate. I told you not to get up alone! Between the hyperventilating and the shower you were bound to be dizzy and lightheaded when you got up! Why do you think I wanted you to wait for me? Can't you just listen for once!?" she said, her hand going to check Kate's knee.

Kate quickly hit her hand away, "I'm fine Laine!" Kate yelled. Well, tried to yell…as loud as she could, her voice scratchy from crying.

Lanie saw that she was going to have a good size bruise on her knee, but it was ok. She took a deep breath. Her yelling back would fix nothing. She changed her voice to soft and comforting. "You got lucky, sweetie. You could have hit your head." She saw Kate's eyes get glassy with tears. "Ok, Ok…here" she said, reaching for the water and handing it to her, "take a few sips of water." When her friend gave her that stubborn look she pushed the glass into her hand, her voice getting even softer, "Kate, please. Just take a few sips."

Kate relented and took a few sips of water, and then took the first real deep breath in what felt to her like hours. "What the hell are you doing Lanie? And why would you be so disrespectful and just walk in when I'm taking a shower? Did you even think?"

Lanie stood up, offering her a hand, "I'm not going to fight with you Kate. Bait me all you want, I'm not biting. We are talking about this, calmly talking…not yelling, after you get dressed." Kate was about to protest but then realized the hand that was not holding her knee was holding the towel wrapper around her. Fine. She could yell at Lanie once she was dressed. She took Lanie's proffered hand, getting up slowly. She was unsteady on her feet and Lanie held her arm until she was sure she was ok. Once they got to the bedroom Lanie let go and walked to the door, "I'm going to make some tea, you get dressed. Take your time." Without another word Lanie shut the door and walked to the kitchen.

5 minutes later Lanie saw Kate slowly walk into the kitchen and sit down, quickly pulling her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her knees. Lanie walked over and set a cup of tea in front of Kate, then sat across from her at the table, taking a sip of her own. She could tell Kate had calmed down, her breathing normal. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Kate quietly spoke, "I'm sorry, Lanie. You're right, I had a bad day and took it out by picking fights with you and I…that was wrong. I'm sorry."

Lanie put her mug down and reached over the table to grab Kate's hand, "Oh, you had more than just a bad day." Kate looked down at that and Lanie squeezed her hand, "Honey, what's going on?"

Kate shrugged, "Lanie I…it's just been a long few months, that's all."

Lanie shook her head, "Don't forget, I've seen you have to go through some horrible stuff Kate and you…I've never seen you like this. This is something more than a few rough months." When Kate wouldn't meet her eyes or say anything she continued, "You lost weight over the last several weeks and you aren't sleeping. I know you're exercising a lot and I don't think you are eating enough because you always seem kind of tired and a bit lethargic. You're smile and laugh are forced, and you are doing things like hyperventilating in a steaming hot shower." Kate just shook her head. "Kate, how long were you in that shower breaking down?" Again, Kate just shrugged. "Kate, tell me how long."

Kate finally looked at her and took her hand back, "I don't know, ok! An hour?"

"Why would you do that, Kate?"

Kate's voice got louder, "It doesn't matter Lanie! Trust me it…it was the best thing I could have done ok. Just leave it alone. You don't understand."

"Exactly! I don't understand! I don't understand because you won't talk to me! Tell me so I will understand."

Kate sighed dejectedly, "I can't"

"You _can _Kate. Come on, just talk to me. Please. I'm getting really worried, here."

Kate look at her as tears started streaming down her face,"I..Lanie…"

* * *

**Ok I hate begging but plleeaaaaaaase let me know what you think! Please please?**


End file.

Castle, Hurt-Comfort