One Tree Hill 1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Spoilers:** loosely based on season 5

**Authors Note: **just be gentle with me…

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Part 1: The Park

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"Uncle Lucas, why do you hate honey buckets?" James asked.

Lucas turned his gaze away from the ball game on TV and turned to his nephew. "What?"

"Why do you hate honey buckets?" he asked again. "Mommy said you hate them."

"Cuz it's the shit!" Skills replied.

"Don't swear in front of my son," Haley said, swatting Skills on the arm as she passed by.

"Sorry," he apologized.

Returning to the conversation at hand, Lucas cleared his throat, trying to come up with an excuse; he did not want the truth to come out.

"They're unsanitary," he lamely replied.

Haley turned to Lucas with a frown, "what are you talking about?"

He looked up at his childhood friend wide-eyed. Surely she wouldn't tell in front of everyone. Would she?

"Cuz this cracker's scared his ass gonna get stuck in the thing," Tim announced.

"Tim, you're not black. Just say he gets stuck," Nathan replied, turning his attention to the conversation.

Everyone turned to Brooke as she let out a snort and burst into laughter.

"Seriously? How does that even happen?" Rachel asked rolling her eyes, unimpressed at the revelation.

Peyton raised an eyebrow in his direction. She was about to ask him if it was true when his bright red face answered her unspoken question. She shook her head, unable to believe that her boyfriend had the ability to lock himself inside a porta potty. How embarrassing.

"So, do we get to hear the story or not?" Rachel asked, filing her nails.

"No," Lucas replied.

"Oh yes we do," Skills intervened.

"No, we don't."

"I want to hear the story, Uncle Lucas!"

"Now we definitely gotta tell the story," Skills said, settling himself on the couch.

Lucas groaned in frustration as the room erupted into a wave of pleas.

"Alright! Fine," he shouted, quieting the room.

"YAY!" James squealed as climbed into his uncle's lap.

"Tim, don't say anything," Lucas warned, "or I won't tell the stories."

"There's more than one? This day is getting better by the minute!" James exclaimed.

"Honey, calm down. It's just a story," Haley told her son.

Lucas glared at Haley "It is not just a story-"

"You're right, it's several embarrassing stories. Now get on with the show," Rachel demanded.

The port-a-potty hater turned his glare to the redhead. "You know, I don't even have to tell you the story."

"If you don't tell us the story, then we'll just have Tim tell it to us," she shot back.

Luca's face dropped as he realized that it would be best coming from his mouth. Who knew what Tim would add to the story; he had been there for two of the incidences. He let out a deep sigh and reluctantly prepared himself for the humiliation that was to follow.

It was senior skip day at Tree Hill High and Nathan and Haley had decided to spend the gorgeous Thursday at the park. Accompanying them was Lucas, who claimed that he had better things to do than sit in school and have their brains melt, and Tim, who was back home for a long weekend. It was the perfect day for such an outing; the sun was bright and radiating heat, the sky was clear, and Luca's hadn't brooded in over two weeks.

The four had just grabbed some lunch and decided a trip to the park would be fitting. Shortly after their arrival, Nathan and Haley headed off into a far corner of the park for some _alone_ time. After all, once the baby was born, all their attention had to go to the baby.

Leaving Tim and Lucas to themselves, they stood in awkward silence until they spotted a game of Ultimate Frisbee going on.

"Wana join the game?" Tim asked, pointing over the hill top, in the direction of the game.

"Sure, why not?" Lucas replied. Anything was better than standing in the middle of the park doing nothing, especially with Tim.

"Alright, let's go whoop their asses!"

Broody shook his head and followed Tim across the hill top. Within minutes they were both enjoying themselves; their laughter and voices carried across the park.

---

Haley pulled back from Nathan, sitting up. "Did you hear that?"

Nathan frowned in disappointment. They were about to get down to business. "Hear what?"

"I think I heard Lucas and Time both laughing. That never happens."

Nathan reached around her and lifted her shirt above her head in response. He was hot and ready needed to get back to what they started immediately. He pulled her head in close and whispered against her soft, tender lips, "I don't care," and passionately kissed her. Her hands snaked through his hair as they continued where they left off.

---

Twenty minutes later, Lucas was in trouble. He needed to use that bathroom and the only one available was the Honey Bucket sitting on top of the small hill. He glanced over at the forest and decided that he wouldn't make it in time.

Excusing himself from the game, he rushed up the hill and stepped into the malodorous stall. Taking a step backward, he fanned his face to get away from the smell. He longingly glanced at the trees that didn't reek of shit. Holding in a deep breath, he stepped inside and slammed the door shut causing the porta-potty to shake. He held his hands against the walls attempting to steady to bucket. Once he felt safe, he quickly went about his business.

Tim looked up at the honey bucket wondering what was taking Lucas so long to use the bathroom. He continued staring at a group of junior high boys made their way up the hill towards the honey bucket.

Tim chuckled, "they're going to be in line for a long time." He continued watching as the boys started throwing rocks at the honey bucket.

---

Lucas was about to unlock the door when the Honey Bucket wobbled. Holding onto the walls again, he wondered what was going on and what the thud against the plastic container meant. He could hear the voices of young boys from outside and once again attempted to get out.

Before he had the chance, the bucket shook violently. Pressing his hands further into the filthy walls, he realized what was happening. The junior high boys were going to knock it over.

At the same time his hand reached for the handle, the bucket tumbled down the four foot hill, into the sand. He yelled as loud as he could for help, but no avail, as the young boys cheered in victory.

---

"I think that was the best sex we've ever had," Haley sighed into Nathan's bare chest.

He grinned. "I think so too." He was about to suggest round two when they heard cheers coming from the other side of the park. He glanced at his radiant wife and asked, "want to go check it out?"

"Sure."

They quickly got dressed and headed for the clearing. Turing towards each other in confusion, they headed toward the sand where a crowd was standing.

"What do you think happened?" Haley asked Nathan.

"I don't know."

The closer they got, the stronger the nauseating smell became.

"Tim, what happened?" Nathan asked, looking down at the toppled Honey Bucket.

Laughing, Tim replied "he's stuck inside!"

"What?!" the married couple exclaimed at the same time.

"Yeah. Those junior high boys knocked it off the top of the hill!"

Nathan rushed towards the toppled bucked, trying to find the door. Realizing it was lying against the sand, he shouted "Lucas, you ok?"

"Do you think I'm okay? I'm covered in shit!" he roared.

"Sorry man," he replied. "I'll get you out of there soon."

He glanced around the crowd, who were all standing and doing nothing. "Someone help me," Nathan shouted.

Three other men stepped up to help turn the bucket over. "On the count of three, we'll roll the Honey Bucket to the right. One, two, three."

There was a thud, and a moment later they all heard Lucas shout "that hurt!"

Nathan looked at the others, "again on three. One, two three." With a final roll, Lucas crawled out.

The smell was so strong that everyone stepped back two feet. Humiliated, Lucas looked at the three guys that helped and thanked them.

"Shows over!" Haley announced, waving her hands in the air, dispersing the crowd with her pregnant belly. Once they were gone, she turned to the three men and thanked them for their help.

"No problem" they replied, leaving the scene.

She plugged her nose and faced her best friend. "You're not coming back home with us smelling like that."

"You might want to take a dip in the lake. I'll see if I have some clean clothes in the trunk.

Lucas was as clean as he could be ten minutes later. He still reeked of shit, but the smell wasn't as strong as it had been.

"Hey Lucas," Nathan called to his brother. "These were the only thing I would find."

Lucas gratefully took them and headed toward the forest to change. His face fell as he saw what Nathan had brought him. "Are you serious?" he mumbled to himself.

"Are you done yet?" Haley asked.

"Almost!" He unwillingly put the clothes on and appeared from the trees.

As if his day couldn't have gotten worse, everyone erupted into laughter.

Snickering, a passer-by commented, "pink's a good color on you."

Haley crossed her arms and said in a serious tone, "you better not stretch my sweater. Brooke made it for me for my birthday."

Slouching, Lucas let out a deep sigh. He was in need of some serious brooding.

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-TBC- 


	2. Chapter 2

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Part 2: Construction

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"Where was I?" Brooked asked in confusion.

"How disgusting," Rachel commented. Turning toward Peyton, she continued "I can't believe you're dating him." As an afterthought, she added, "and I can't believe you dated him."

Brooke shot back in defense, "hey! He wasn't that smelly when I was dating him" Her eyes suddenly went round and she sat up in her seat. "Is that why you would always drown yourself in that nasty smelling cologne?"

"Cool Water?" Peyton supplied. "You could tell when he was coming because he would take a shower in it."

Lucas turned away from the girl's conversation and focused on the others. Haley's face was scrunched in disgust as she remembered the god forsaken port-a potty smell. They had the windows down on the ride back.

Nathan looked at his wife grinning. "That was a fantastic day," he whispered into her neck, leaving a gentle kiss. Wrapping his arms around her waist, she turned around in his lap, "it was" she replied, "if you don't count the Lucas incident. I'm still mad he stretched my sweater. It was my favorite one!"

"You don't even like pink," Lucas shot back.

"That's beside the point."

James walked up to Haley, "I'll buy you a new one mommy."

Her frown turned into a smile as she pulled her son into hug. "Sweetie, you don't have to."

"At least the construction site incident wasn't as bad at that one," Skills spoke up.

Lucas muttered, "Thankfully."

"So, what's the next story?" Rachel piped up.

Lucas replied with another frown, "I'm not telling you. Knowing you, you'll use it as blackmail."

"True, but I still want to know what happened."

"I'm still not telling."

Tim's hand shot up into the air. "I know this story!"

"Great. Now tell it," Rachel demanded.

"No." Lucas said, glaring at Tim.

"Tim, go ahead and tell the story," Rachel pressed.

Tim glanced between the two, deciding if he should tell the story or not. "Ok!" he declared.

"Me, Natedogg—"

"Fine!" Lucas said exasperated, "I'll tell the story."

Rachel sat back in her chair, grinning like the Cheshire cat, satisfied with the outcome.

With another deep sigh, Lucas began, "It was the summer after graduation. Tim, Skill, Nathan and I were all working at a construction site-"

"Wait." Rachel interrupted. "I thought you guys were working for Skill's dad."

Lucas replied, "this was before-"

She interrupted him once again. "Ok, ok. Continue."

"Yes your highness," he replied dryly.

"Ha, ha. Very funny."

Lucas ignored her and continued the story.

It was the hottest day of the summer. Record breaking, in fact. They had all landed a part time gig at the construction site for some fast cash.

"Hey Lucas, I'm taking lunch" Nathan called over his shoulder.

Lucas too took out his ear plugs and replied, "What?"

"He said he's going to take lunch," Skills answered appearing next to him.

"Oh. Ok." He squinted, trying to keep the sun's glare out. "Is that Haley?"

Skills shielded his eyes with his arm and glanced in the direction Lucas has pointed. "Why can't my girl bring me lunch? All I get is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"I hope she brought me something."

"Looks like she's going to be feeding one appetite today," Skills commented as the young parents ran off into their small black car.

Lucas frowned and shook his head. He did not need to know what his best friend and brother were doing in the back seat of the car. He made a mental note to never sit in the backseat again.

"So, where's Tim? I haven't seen him around all morning."

"He's driving the wheel loader. I don't know why they keep him on it. He keeps on crashing into things."

"That's Tim for you. I still wonder how he managed to get his driver's license."

"He probably tried to sleep with the test instructor."

Lucas let out a hearty laugh, knowing that it wasn't out of the realm of truth.

"I'm going to get some water man. You want some?" Skills asked.

"No. I'm good," the blond replied searching for the nearest bathroom. They were on the other side of the construction site. Lucas groaned as he realized he had to use the bathroom. He glanced longingly at the other side of the site, where local business had real toilets that he had been using. After the incident in the park, he hadn't been near a port-a potty.

"Yo, Skills, where's the nearest bathroom?"

Skills pointed to the honey bucket behind him. Lucas glanced at the portable toilet and the other side of the construction site. He could make it in time to use the real toilet, he decided as he jogged across the site.

To his luck, a fourth of the way across the construction site, he realized he wouldn't be able to make it. Quickly turning on his heel, he headed back, picking up his pace.

He glanced warily at the thing. He didn't want to use it, but he had no other choice; it was the only place to use the bathroom.

Mumbling, as he reached it, "Where are the bushes when you need them?"

He heard the wheel loader nearby and looked up. Tim was waving like a maniac at Lucas, not paying attention to where he was going.

Ignoring Tim, the blond went inside to take care of business. To his horror, loud beeps filled the small confines of the bathroom. Time was backing up! Lucas rushed to finish with no luck. He had buttoned his jeans when the wheel loader crashed into the honey bucket. He felt the bucket shake and move to the left. His heart jumped into his throat, and wanted to cream like a helpless little girl. Like last time, his arms were against the bucket's walls, holding him in place.

He let out a sigh of relief when the door flung open.

"Here man, take my hand," Skills offered and hauled him out.

Shaking, Lucas looked at the bucket that was lying against a pile of dirt.

"This one was better than the last one." Rachel concluded.

"How?" the story teller inquired.

"The other one was nasty. In this one you weren't covered in shit," she answered.

"No swearing in front of the kid!" Haley repeated.

"Honey, I don't think he heard," Nathan said, pointing at the ground.

Lucas looked down on the ground to find James rolling on the floor cracking up.

With a deflated sigh, he sunk into the couch.

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-TBC- 


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Here's the last part. Thanks to all for reading and don't forget to review! Happy New Years to all.

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Part 3: Mexican Food

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"You know, all this talk about honey buckets remind me of the time when we went to the fair after graduation," Nathan said.

Rachel asked, "What happened this time?"

Lucas glared at her for the umpteenth time that hour.

"What?" Rachel shot back, "it's not my fault that you end up in these situations."

"Yeah Lucas, it isn't her fault." Haley interjected.

Lucas turned his glare towards Haley, who just ignored him.

Rachel asked, "So, what's the story?"

Everyone turned to Lucas who was shaking his head with his arms crossed over his chest.

She further prompted "We could get Tim to tell the story."

"He wasn't there," Peyton replied. "And besides, he's in the kitchen making himself a sandwich."

"You could tell it."

Brooke laughed. "Peyton tells stories as good as she bakes."

"Hey! It was a _big_ pinch of salt!"

Lucas let out a laugh, glad that the tables had turned.

"Who are you laughing at?" Peyton turned on Lucas.

"No one," he said unconvincingly, a smile on his face.

Peyton gave him the death glare.

Skills cringed and said to Lucas, "I do believe you're about to get whooped."

"I think you should tell the story." Rachel piped in. "You know, for laughing at you."

"You know what, I like that idea."

Lucas' face dropped as Peyton began the story.

It was the day after graduation, and Nathan, Haley, Peyton, Brooke and Lucas had gone to the fair.

After inhaling six large cups of lemonade, Lucas was in search of a place to pee, since they wouldn't be leaving the fair for some time. To his luck, the only place to pee was in a port-a potty.

After waiting line with Lucas for five minutes, Brooke and Peyton decided to go on a ride since the line was long.

Lucas was enthused when the fat guy in front of him went in. Happy that he would be next, he smiled. But his smile didn't last long, as smells and sounds came out of the port-a potty. He was growing impatient, mumbling to self & bouncing from leg to leg trying to hold in pee "hurry up!"

He glanced at his watch as eight minutes had passed. He looked up to see the fat guy coming out. His beer belly was hanging out and from the smell inside the port-a potty it was obvious that the fat man had eaten too much Mexican food. Lucas was certain his gag reflexes would activate soon.

Lucas looked at other two lines that were twice as long as the one he was standing in. Taking a deep breath, he rushed in, going as fast as he could. He came out a minute later to find Brooke and Peyton waiting for him.

He released the breath he was holding, shutting the door behind him. Brooke and Peyton simultaneously covered their noses. "Geez Lucas, what did you eat?" Peyton asked, disgusted by the smell.

Moving away from the port-a potty as fast as the girls could, Brooke replied "I think it was Mexican food."

Both girls shuddered as Lucas cried in self defense, "It wasn't me!"

The girls looked at each other and then over to Lucas. "Sure, what ever you say" Brooke said. "Let's go find the lovebirds."

Lucas sighed and followed the girls. Five minutes later, Nathan and Haley were spotted making out on the Ferris wheel.

"Is it me or do they make out too much?" Brooke asked no one in particular.

"They make out too much," Peyton replied.

The minute they stepped off the ride, the girls were at Nathan and Haley's side, informing them of how smelly Lucas could be in the bathroom and how they had dubbed him Mr. Smelly.

"Who knew Mexican food could do that to a person," Brooke said.

Haley laughed before speaking, "he's that smelly at home too."

"I am not!" Lucas denied.

"Striking a match in the bathroom gets rid of the smell," she carried on, ignoring her childhood friend.

Lucas turned to Nathan "you believe me, don't you?"

Nathan gave his brother a sheepish look. "She does have a point. And the evidence does point in your direction."

Luca's jaw dropped, "you can't be serious! Peyton, you remember the fat guy in front of me, don't you?"

She shook her head in response.

Brooke spoke, breaking the silence, "on the bright side…"

Lucas whined, "What bright side? You all think I stink up the bathroom."

Haley bursts out into laughter.

He glared at Haley, as if it would make her to stop.

"Well, I guess Mexican food is off the dinner list," Nathan said, causing his wife to laugh harder.

"I don't get it," Tim said scratching his head.

Tim was ignored as the roaring laughter continued.

Throwing his hands in the air in exasperation, Lucas exclaimed, "This is why I hate port-a potties!" over his friend's howls of laughter.

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-The End- 


End file.

One Tree Hill, Humor