Dynasty Warriors Taking care of SIMA SHI for Dummies

**INTT: Ah, maybe one more wouldn't hurt... Here's Sima Shi's.**

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><p><strong>Introduction<strong>

Congratulations! You're the owner of the SIMA SHI unit! You made the right choice and not end up cleaning up after his brother, the SIMA ZHAO unit. But he is also handful as well, so if you have regrets please return him before the 30-day deadline.

Anyway, just rate us five stars on Yelp and thank you for finding us on Craigslist.

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><p><strong>Comes with...<strong>

**One (1) Chinese Hat thing? (Whatever, it looks better than his father's "hat.")**

**Two (2) hair ribbons**

**Seven (7) Chinese-Euro robes**

**One (1) pair of claw gloves (That a thing?)**

**Two (2) pairs of shoes**

**One (1) very long rapier (No innuendo intended)**

**Fifty (50) bottles of L'oreal shampoo (Because he's worth it)**

**One (1) Phantom of the Opera mask**

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><p><strong>Basic information<strong>

**Name: Sima Shi (S-oo-ma Sher)**

**Gender: Male (I know, right? I'm just as surprised as you are.)**

**Place of Manufacture: Unknown. Anyway, just say thank you to Sima Yi.**

**Temple Name: Shizong (Yes, you can worship him and not be creepy with your shrine since it's for religious reasons.)**

**Famous for: Being Sima Yi #2 and dying of an eye tumor thanks to the WEN YANG unit showing off**

**Spouse(s): Xiahou Hui, Yang Huiyu, and Lady Wu (No, no, no! Not that Lady Wu!)**

**Children: Five daughters with no names. All from his first wife. (Bow-chicka-bow-wow.)**

**Appearance: Meh. He looks like his father except with shorter hair.**

**Build: Skinny**

**Age: About 24-25 at least**

**Striking Features: Mask on his eye**

**Height: 5'11**

**Penis Length*scribbled over*: (Oh my god! My writer placed this category in all of the manuals! He was pretty pissed after I fired him...)**

**Sexual Orientation: (Aaaand he left this category in all of these also...) Only reason why he is still heterosexual after being single for a long time is because meatbuns look like boobs.**

**Quirks: Acts like his father. Has a Norman Bates thing with his mother. Possibly doing his sister-in-law behind the scenes. SEXUAL FETISH FOR A FOOD ITEM MADE OF FLOUR AND MEAT. Laughs at nothing.**

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><p><strong>Instructions<strong>

Open the box and he'll get out of that thing very fast because again, he was put in the box against his will.  
>Introduce yourself or he'll just take his sword out of the box and decapitate you. He doesn't mind being touched, as long you keep your Cheeto fingers out of his hair. When you touch his hair, s*** will happen. Don't do it. He's Ancient Chinese, but that doesn't mean he can't understand you. He has a translator in his ears that can translate most languages. Overall, he'll be standing there staring at you until you break the ice.<p>

*If you happen to have the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit, you can throw this manual away.*

**Care**

You're not his mom, so don't bathe him yourself. He requires L'oreal shampoo for his fabulous hair and he will not let you wash his hair. Only he can do that. A mere peasant like you cannot touch his silk-like hair. If you offer to wash his back, you have a fifty-fifty chance of doing so since he sometimes feels lazy also. He has machine-washable clothes, so you won't have to let him borrow your "You Mad, Bro?" T-shirt that you borrowed from your cousin but never gave back. His diet is very... specific... You have to feed him rice or meatbuns. No pizza, no chicken wings, no chips, any junk American food. You'll tip over his cholesterol levels! It's already in danger after his diet of eating flour and dead pig all his life! If you want to make sure his levels are healthy, you have to make him rice along with vegetables. No meat or else your efforts will be in vain. He has to sleep in a bed, he will not resort to peasant living conditions as in sleeping on the ground. Only have one bed? Tough. He's taking that and you cannot stop him.

**How to keep your SIMA SHI unit happy**

He's pretty easy to satisfy when you have the correct items. He likes reading, but will get bored eventually. Video games MAY. MAY intrigue him. He might like any strategy game or puzzle ones. No, not Candy Crush. He'll clean your wallet out after an hour. I doubt Apple accepts gold anyway. He's very very lonely since his wife isn't out of generic hell yet, soooo... You can romance him or set him up with a date. That's later into this manual. If you have the SIMA ZHAO unit, he will not be exactly happy, but he's his brother, so he HAS to love him.

Overall, he's not that hard to entertain unlike the SIMA YI unit, who is very goddamn picky.

**The SIMA SHI unit will leave you or disobey if one of the following happens...**

You have either or both Sima parent units

You die

You run out of meatbuns

You forgetting to restock his L'oreal shampoo

Koei coming to try to take him back

You treating him like a piece of crap

Poke fun at his mask

**Precautions**

**When in "Meatbun Withdrawal" mode, he tends to be very angry and moody, so do not provoke him or that sword of his will get a new paint job.**

**The mask is not for show, he does have a condition in his left eye. DO NOT shoot or throw anything at that eye or else it will irritate it and will ultimately kill him. **

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><p><strong>Voice options<strong>

**-Normal**

**-Ryotaro Okiayu (We both know which one you're choosing.)**

**Special Skills**

**-Chinese translator**

**-Smart-ass that is actually smart**

**-Can kill anyone you ask him to without no hesitation (Locked until bond is high)**

**-Fencing (You never know when this will be useful)**

**-Horse riding (Sign him up for those gambling horse races and you'll be rich)**

**-Rich boy (Locked if your area doesn't accept gold)**

**Modes**

**Stick-in-the-mud (Default)**

**Cold-blooded murderer (Locked)**

**Meatbun withdrawal**

**Mama's boy (with ZHANG CHUNHUA unit)**

**Asshole older brother (with SIMA ZHAO unit)**

**Papa's boy (with SIMA YI unit and yes, that is a thing, Google it)**

**Romancing**

**Ladies, he's single, go nuts. Don't have the parent units with you or they'll persuade the SIMA SHI unit out of this relationship. But if you have a high intelligence and don't look too bad, they'll accept you. Gee, those two are really reminding me of my parents, but whose parents are NOT like this? Again, go nuts.**

**I don't think he'll like it if you're male and making advancements to him. But I suggest don't try or you'll make him living with you more awkward than it already was.**

**Interactions**

**SIMA YI: Father. Professional asshole.**

**SIMA ZHAO: Annoying brother. 'Nuff said.**

**ZHANG CHUNHUA: Mother. Former alcoholic just like every other person with Zhang in their name.**

**WANG YUANJI: Sister-in-law. Very short.**

**ZHONG HUI: Works for him. Gay for himself.**

**DENG AI: Works for him. Likes maps.**

**GUO HUAI: Works for him. Had a gun before it was cool.**

**ZHUGE DAN: Works for him and worships him. Has Sosuke Aizen's special hair gel.**

**JIA CHONG: Trash-talking-about-Sima-Zhao-behind-his-back buddy.**

**WEN YANG: His killer. Jeremy Lin's ancestor.**

**FAQ's**

_**SIMA SHI is not wanting to have my babies.**_

**What the...? Okay... He's probably keeping away from you since you've been badgering him non-stop about this. He cannot just do you when he just met you! He's not a man-whore like CAO CAO. Just wait until your bond develops through crappy shojo manga stereotypes and you'll have his seed before you know it.**

**_What happens when you give him KFC?_**

**He'll have a premature heart attack. You don't want that happening, do you?**

_**The Ryotaro Okiayu voice option is not working!**_

**Oh, I guess Mr. Okiayu didn't voice that particular unit during its manufacture.**

_**My unit is speaking nothing but Mandarin!**_

**His translator must have came off. Look in the box to see if it is still in there.**

_**I threw away the manual, but I don't have the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit.**_

**Well, I am not giving you a new one.**

_**I threw away the box.**_

**So? Was his translator still in there?**

_**Yes.**_

**Than get to learning Chinese or you just look like an idiot when he speaks to you.**


End file.

Dynasty Warriors, Humor, Parody